#but does not find motherhood easy or natural

[mermaidsirennikita]

"he reaches out to protect the heroine..."

:)

"... and the two small children in her care"

:(

[peachesofteal]

Through Me (The Flood) - secret baby fic Simon Riley / female reader - 18+ - discussion of postpartum depression, lactation kink.

Orion’s father inserted himself into your life with an authority that, quite frankly, has shocked you.

You expected him to be a dead beat. An absentee. You never really expected to find him in the first place, let alone almost run straight into him on the street.

It was almost like you could feel him on the sidewalk before you saw him. Your body knew, still carried the memories, the imprint of him lingering on your skin, inside you. Orion had his DNA in his veins, and now you had Orion’s in yours.

Shared pieces, twisted together in an imbalanced double helix-

Exposing you for all your transgressions, your failures, your misery.

It’s a special kind of shame, to look your baby’s father in the face and tell him you’re not a good mother to his child. That you’re failing Orion. That you don’t know if you can do it.

The truth is motherhood is not natural or beautiful, like everyone says it is, and it doesn’t come easy, like it seems to do for most. You don’t even feel like you’re bonded to your son, and it’s like you’re a stranger to him. More failure.

They pile advice on top of you in heaps, your mother, your aunts, the friends that have stuck around, sleep when the baby sleeps, let him cry it out, don’t let him cry it out, put him down, pick him up, don’t feed at night, don’t miss a feeding-

All the while, no one shows up. Not truly. They’re here, and there, but your previous fierce independent streak has done you no favors, and no one seems to notice you’re barely holding your head above water. They want to see the baby, hold the baby, cuddle the baby. No one wants to help you wash your milk crusted sheets or clothes, no one wants to pick up your groceries or do your dishes. They want to bring a roast for your fridge, and then they want Orion.

And it’s easy to fake getting by. Struggling but smiling. Motherhood is such a joy. It’s so wonderful. Being a single mom is tough, but worth it. It’s…

It’s so hard.

You don’t have a schedule, a life, a sense of normalcy. Instead of sleeping when Ry does, you cry. You don’t feel like yourself, you don’t know how to do this, you don’t know how you’re even going to make it to the next day sometimes.

And no one really seems to notice you, until Simon shows up.

Simon, who doesn’t seem to care that you’ve tried to assure him you’re fine. Simon, for all intents and purposes, has put a foot down and refused to budge. Simon, who no matter how hard you try to tell him you’re okay, has shouldered his way into your life without a single complaint about the sudden fatherhood thrust upon him.

He’s a stranger, at the end of it all, a man you shared a single night with, a man you know almost nothing about.

Even though that night has always felt like so much more, an impossible connection built in the dark between indecipherable words and whispers.

And now this stranger has planted on himself on the ground in front of you, like a tether to reality. A land line to your sanity. A hand to hold…

A person who sees you.

“I’m right here,” he promised, “I’m going to take care of you.”

He wanted in, and you stopped coming up with reasons or excuses to fend him off. You bent and bent and bent under the pressure of being a mother until you broke-

And he was there.

Someone is calling your name. There’s a gentle hand on your shoulder, and then smoothing over your forehead, fingertips lingering on the apple of your cheek. You blink fuzzily, slowly realizing you must have fallen asleep on the couch. “C’mon mama, let’s get you to bed.” You peer over his shoulder at the kitchen, barely registering how clean it is, the lack of dirty dishes, the empty trash can, the wiped down cabinets and countertops.

“Sorry… I fell asleep. I should’ve-“

“It’s alright, wanted to let you get some rest.” His arms, massive and corded with muscle, slide under your knees and back, and you study his tattoos as intently as you can, for being half asleep. “‘m gonna pick you up.”

“Okay.” You sigh, and his chest vibrates with a low chuckle. It feels safe, you feel nearly relaxed, no fight left in you, all resistance and denial leeched from your bones. “Ry?”

“Fed two hours ago with what you had in the fridge. Still asleep now.” Warmth ghosts atop your head, and you snuggle farther into his chest, unable to help yourself.

“How long was I out?”

“Almost five hours.” You blink, and then, like his words have summoned full body awareness- you wince.

Fuck.

“What is it?” He’s immediately tense, slowly pushing open your bedroom door.

“I’m… sore.” You grimace, trying to keep your chest away from him as he lowers you into bed. “They’re… he usually eats… sooner. They get… too full.” Your face burns, humiliated and awkward. Nothing like telling your very attractive baby daddy that you’re full too of milk. His head cocks.

“Is there a way to fix that?” He’s sitting at your hip, hand casually braced on your thigh, thumb rubbing circles overtop the sheet.

“I could pump but, it really hurts.” Your voice cracks on the admission. You can’t imagine anything you want to do less in this moment, especially with him here. “A warm washcloth usually helps but…”

“I’ll get one.” He tips forward at the waist, and presses a kiss right to your forehead. “Stay put.” You lean back against the pillows, and close your eyes. You hear him the bathroom, tap running, door opening and closing, and then the bed dips. “Can I help you with that?” He points at your t shirt, and you nod. Lifting it over your own head sounds uncomfortable, and you don’t even flinch when his fingers brush your stomach as he peels it up and over.

There’s a moment, a quiet one, where you just stare at each other. His eyebrows crease, dark brown eyes turning soft and sweet, flicking down to your lips and then back up. It’s frighteningly intimate, being so vulnerable, rubbed raw by motherhood and then comforted by the man who gave it to you, and when you look into his eyes, you can feel it all, everything you felt that night, the connection, the desire to know more, feel more, push past everything and dig until your strike true, until you can touch his heart.

Maybe it’s the hormones. The baby. The fact that he’s here, holding you steady, true to his promise.

You loop a forearm over the back of his neck, and tug, jolting him forward, close enough that your noses touch, and his lips graze yours before he pulls back, cradling your face with his free hand. “Want somethin’ mama?”

“Yes.” You whisper. Your breasts ache, but the pain is second to the way you drown in his dark gaze.

“Need you to ask for it, sweet girl.”

“I- I want… to kiss you.” It feels like taking a plunge, ripping a band aid off, and he only smiles at you in return, before leaning in and pressing his mouth to yours.

It’s a memory. An explosion. A rush of the last time, the first time, the only time. Ocean water, spring air, woodsmoke under your fingertips. Fragments of a few favorite things, sealed in a kiss. A dizzying ride that sucks you dry, spills your blood into his, twists the two of together until you’re not sure if you’ll ever be able to let go.

You almost, almost whine when he pulls away.

“Washcloth is cold.” He murmurs, making his way back to the bathroom and restarting the process. His muscles flex under his t shirt as he turns the sink on and off, wringing the cloth out. You unhook a bra strap, and when he returns to the seat at your hip, you gulp.

“T-thanks.” You reach, but don’t tug it into your grasp. Instead, the side of your arm bumps against the swollen firmness of your breast, and you hiss.

“I’ve got you. Let me help.” He says softly, peeling the fabric away until you’re exposed, darkened nipples straining in the dim light of your bedroom. Fingertips trace barely there touch across your skin, and he whispers reverently. “You feed our baby with these, mama.”

“They hurt.” Your voice trembles, and he nods sympathetically.

“I know.” He presses the cloth to your skin, brow furrowed with concentration. His eyes flick up to yours, and then back down, thumb gently rubbing a semi circle under the curve of your breast. “Feel okay?” His voice is a rasp, and you nod.

“Y-yeah… um-“ you trail off, half wishing you could disappear into this bed. “I need a little bit of pressure, to help… express.” It’s the least sexiest word in the English language, you think. Express.

He palms you, gently, and then squeezes with easy pressure. The sound you make is a half moan, half gasp of pain, and he soothes you. “I know honey, I know. I’m sorry.” You tip your head back, waiting, hoping to feel the slow pulse of relief, the slow give of an ache subsiding. His thumb traces your nipple and then rolls over it, still kneading and pressing with his other fingers and palm, hot cloth starting to turn cool.

And then-

You feel it. Your body catches up to your brain, finally leaking, warmth spilling over his hand, down the front of your bra and belly. “Oh my god.” You moan, and he huffs, still rubbing your nipple in a soothing pattern, gaze locked on your chest.

“Good girl.” He murmurs, and then gives you another squeeze. “Feel good?”

“Yeah.” You tip your head to the side, watching him, tracing his nose, his lips, the shape of his eyes. Your baby’s face, through and through. “So good.” It spills over the back of his fingers and he pulls it away, lifting his thumb to his mouth. His lashes flutter against his cheeks, and a noise rumbles in his chest. “Oh-“ you lose your words. Your thoughts. Your focus. You’re frozen, confused and electric like a live wire.

“Y’taste good mama. Sweet.” You gulp. He ducks his head, brushing his lips against yours briefly before dipping lower, cupping as much of you as he can and swirling his tongue across your nipple, lips closing around it and sucking with a satisfied sigh.

“Si- Simon.” It feels good. It feels wrong, that it feels good, but it does. You’re spilling into his mouth, pain and soreness flitting away by the second, strong arms cradling you close to his body. It’s the first time in a long time, that you’ve felt something, anything, close to desire. Arousal has been fleeting since having a baby, but somehow, fire burns between your legs. He pulls away, nipple popping free, and you sag in the bed. With a smirk, his eyes wander to your other side, the unattended one, heavy and full beneath his gaze.

“I’ll get a new cloth.”

[grimgrazia]

Makima and Motherhood

The symbolism Fujimoto uses to connect Makima to maternity is something that really stands out to me in CSM part 1. Even without the visuals, Makima’s demeanor alone is very “parental,” (not necessarily in a good way, but she still has that presence about her.) To be clear, this analysis will focus more on the connection between Makima and motherhood, the symbolism Fujimoto uses, as well as the irony behind it. I plan on doing an entirely separate analysis for her character in general.

Before getting into the manga, I want to point out some of the imagery used in the anime. A very well known frame from the anime comes from its third ending. Makima is depicted as the Virgin Mary, floating in front of a kneeling Denji, who looks as if he’s worshipping or praying. A lot of people use this scene for bf/gf memes which I kind of find funny (and low-key Freudian). The visual is not really emphasizing Denji’s infatuation with Makima but rather her control over him, which stems from Denji’s desire for a mother figure.

One of the most misinterpreted parts of CSM is Denji and Makima’s dynamic. People often describe Makima as someone who used seduction to manipulate Denji but that’s not really the case. However, to say that she didn’t explore this tactic in the beginning of the manga would be a complete lie. Where she really becomes a mother towards Denji is, ironically, on their movie “date.” The movie theatre scene is a crucial moment for both of their characters but I’ll touch on that later.

For many people, mothers are viewed as this authoritative role model for most of their childhood. Anything she says or does must be correct because she is your mother. It’s easy to look back when you are older and call children stupid for it, but it’s natural instinct. Mothers for many are a source of security and comfort. That is what Denji saw in Makima. That is what Makima wanted Denji to see in her.

When reading CSM, it’s obvious that Makima groomed Denji but I feel like not many people acknowledge how she groomed him and why it’s so disturbing. Like I said earlier, it’s true that she explored seducing Denji but she abandons this idea once she realizes what it is Denji truly longs for, even if he doesn’t realize it himself. He wants the security and comfort only a mother and a family can offer, so she provides exactly that for him. What’s ironic about it is she’s giving Denji exactly what she wants, which probably contributes to her jealousy and hatred for him. What she’d Denji into such shock at the end of Part 1 is that on top of the people he cared about being killed, he learns that the only person he had was 1.) not really a “person” at all and 2.) hiding her animosity towards him in order to manipulate him. I can only imagine how baffling it must be for your own “mother,” who’d showered you in affection since the day you were born, to all of the sudden flip the switch in the cruelest way imaginable.

Also, it is important to understand that multiple things can be true at once. Makima was never attracted to Denji romantically, sexually, or even platonically. In fact, she makes it quite clear at the end of Part 1 that she views him as insignificant and distasteful. It’s a bit shocking considering how much attention and effort it would take to manipulate someone like that. However, this doesn’t change the fact that she groomed him.

It’s common for their to be some sense of attachment to an abuser, especially in a familial scenario like the one that plays out here. A very sad and disturbing part of all of this is how Denji, despite everything Makima has done, is extremely hurt by the fact Makima cannot even remember his scent let alone his face. That being said, I love how a huge reason Denji defeats Makima is because she only recognized Chainsawman’s scent, not Denji’s.

Although it’s sad, I do like the way Fujimoto hints at Makima only seeing Pochita, not Denji. For example, every time Makima and Denji hug, Makima puts her head on Denji’s chest, right over where his “heart,” Pochita, is. My personal favorite detail is the image of Makima reflected in the chainsaw’s blade. Even as Denji is attacking her, her eyes aren’t focused on the assailant but the weapon because it is a chainsaw. It’s a really creative way of showing that Makima’s fixation was solely on Chainsawman, not Denji. She didn’t even recognize Denji without Pochita as his heart.

As I mentioned before, Makima is depicted as the Virgin Mary a lot. Despite being such a dark character, she’s often engulfed by a warm light in these images to compliment the illusion of safety and love she creates. One of these comes from Chainsawman ending 5, where for a brief moment a painting of Denji and Makima, that is a reference to Michelangelo’s “La Pietà,” can be seen. The reference to this famous sculpture is another nod to the mother-son dynamic between Denji and Makima as well as a way of foreshadowing Makima’s intention to bring Chainsawman back, but let Denji die in the process.

**Another cool detail is how the shadow of the window pane looks like a cross. I love all the religious symbolism so much.**

Another interesting part of their dynamic is the idolization. Denji puts Makima, someone who doesn’t care about him, on a pedestal. He sees her in a divine light. Interestingly enough, Makima admires Chainsawman in a similar way. What Makima and Denji have in common here is that neither devil they look up to truly acknowledges their existence as an individual. This is just one of the many ways in which Makima and Denji parallel each other.

An iconic yet ambiguous part of the manga is Denji and Makima’s movie theatre hopping spree. (On a separate note, that actually seems like so much fun.) They culminate their movie marathon with a Soviet film called “Ballad of a Soldier.” To better understand the manga I watched this movie on my own and I can confirm, it’s sad. Makima’s emotional response to it is probably the most memorable part of the entire ordeal. She sheds tears as the mother and son embrace in the film.

A person might cry during a movie because they can sympathize with the characters or situations. It’s difficult to realize this unless you take a step back and ask why a certain scene made you cry, because it’s a lot more than “it was sad.” In Makima’s case, she is not crying out of sympathy, but out of yearning. The relationship depicted in the film is what she wants. Denji is crying beside her as well because he also wants that type of relationship. They both want a family, a stable source of security and comfort. This scene is also alluding to what Pochita tells Denji at the end of part 1. He tells Denji to give Nayuta lots of hugs, to become the family Makima didn’t have.

It’s also interesting how Denji and Makima’s roles flip in part 2. Obviously she is no longer Makima, as her new incarnation is Nayuta, but I believe this was very intentional. Denji sort of becomes a parental role model to Nayuta, much like how Denji viewed Makima. Only this time, it’s genuine. Another reason I really like Nayuta’s character is because of how different she is from Makima. It’s fun to compare and contrast their characters. I really love the parallels. Character design wise, I like how Fujimoto kept the braid. It’s symbolic of not just the control devil’s chains, but bonds.

Speaking of chains, the chains coming from Makima’s womb are also symbolic of maternity. The first time she’s shown using this power is during the infamous Gun Devil showdown. It seems the chains grant her the ability to use the powers and contracts of other devils and humans. The chains seem to connect to the navels of those she controls, acting as an umbilical cord of sorts.

Obviously the uterus to navel connection is symbolic of motherhood, but why chains? The chains are also symbolic of the dynamic between Makima and other characters. She can’t form genuine connections, so she uses her powers. The chains are representative of how people’s admiration of her isn’t a choice. She’s using her powers for her own agenda, but she also may be trying to feel less lonely. However, even she knows it doesn’t substitute a real relationship. Her power requires her to have a superiority complex, and it’s her nature as the control devil that makes it so hard to achieve her dreams. Makima does understand that all of her relationships are superficial, and it bothers her.

Despite all of these roadblocks, it is not impossible for the control devil to form a bond. Pochita knew this and Nayuta is proof of it. I believe Makima was capable of forming those bonds at one point in her life, but ultimately her upbringing destroyed any possibilities of that happening by the time Part 1 begins.

I post these on tiktok before tumblr because I write them in Pages, and it takes a while to put the pictures in on here. I gave up on my Denji and Doors analysis with the photos but I’ll try to be better about it moving forward because I do think visuals are important.

[ride-thedragon]

HOTD CHARACTERS AS ALBUMS:

Alicent Hightower as 30 by Adele.

Now that we are finally here, and I'm starting with my faves.

What is 30 by Adele?

It's her latest album that covers the topic of her divorce and the challenges she faces in the wake of it with the idea of motherhood impacting her decisions and thoughts around this time. Her signature ballads and intertwining of genres are apparent, but the story she invokes is that of trials and a time of change in her life.

So Alicent?

Yes. It's the album I think best fits her arc in season one and prepares for the rest. Let's go through this song by song. But also go listen to the album and think of her because at the end of the day. This is my interpretation.

30 x Alicent.

Strangers By Nature

Now, this first song is the introduction to the album. She's apologising to Lovers from the past, the present, and the ones in the dark. Taking back anything done wrong against them and saying that by the end, they were all strangers by nature to her.

If we are talking about Alicent I think that's were season 1 leaves her. So much is being uncovered about her and her character especially outside of Viserys in Episode 9 I think it's a good song within that context.

No one really knows her now, fully to her entire extent. How she loves, what she does to ensure she's kept aware of situations, what she stillnholds on to is kept guarded and compartmentalised for certain things.

Easy on Me.

This was the biggest hit off the album. It's a song about a dissolving marriage, a song dedicated to her child and childhood, and overall, it is very Alicent.

I think it applies well as a reflection of who she had been. Trying to balance her love for Rhaenyra and her duty to her father and Viserys. The betrayal and anger and disagreements she found herself in.

Say what you will but as the bridge of the song puts it,

"I had good intentions

And the highest hopes

But I know right now

It probably doesn't even show."

If that isn't her, what is?

My Little Love

Now I find Adele just extremely Alicent coded, but the reason I chose this album instead of 21 or 25, for example, is because this album was dedicated to her child.

I refuse to explain this one. Go think of these gay lovers and cry your heart out because it hurts.

But also, it's a song of her explaining everything up until her divorce to her son. Kind of reckoning with the failure she feels and how stuck and stranding it all is.

For Alicent, I think it's the same. By the end, she's reconciling her past with her future. Trying to appease her want for Aegon to be crowned with her love for Rhaenyra and to an extent Viserys. She's also around all her children in episode 9, which is interesting when thinking about the song.

Cry Your Heart Out

Hello, season 2 Alicent. I genuinely think this is the direction it is going to go in because its just tragedy after tragedy for them. Especially when we see her under water and near water so much, baby girl, cry your heart out, it'll clean your face.

Oh My God

Alicole girls. Hi.

This is entirely Criston and Alicent coded for whatever they have going on.

I'm having a hard time doing this because I want you guys to go listen to it. But basically, the song is about this guy who she's with during this time who's her place of refuge with all he conflicting narratives and lies around her.

Also religion.

Can I Get It?

Otto fans, Rhaenyra fans, Alicent fans, and fans of her children. You get to decide who this is about. It's about wanting to be someone's after everything you've done for them, everything you've been through to be at their side. Counting for someone to put you back together after everything is...

I Drink Wine

Hey alcoholism. Genuinely, this is thee Rhaenicent song of the Album. How can someone become so bounded by the choices somebody else makes? And it just goes down from there.

All Night Parking Interlude

I'm going to say Criston. I think they genuinely found a sense of home together.

Woman Like Me:

Hello episode 1 to 10 Rhaenicent. Hello, Viserys Targaryen. It's basically her saying, "How dare you?" Do you know who I am? What is expected? And slaying.

Hold On

Episode 8 Alicent Hightower, the woman you are.

To Be Loved

Season 2 Alicent. "I will choose to lose it's a sacrifice" and "you have no idea the sacrifices made to put you on that throne." That arc is going to play out so well. I'm geeked. An ode to her conversation with Rhaenys as well.

Love is a Game

The effect of Otto Hightower on women recorded by Adele.

Wild, Wild West

Now, this is such a random part of the album, but I do think it's a part of the charm. Unlike Larys Strong, who I hope burns in hell. Anyways, because big pivotal moments happen to her in different places, let's say rats what this is.

Can't be Together

Rhaenyra and Alicent, the tragedy you are. I'm so sorry I wasn't it westeros to save you from this.

Conclusion

Listen to the album Alicent folk. Listen and see if it's your pick. It's certainly mine.

Next up is her counterpart, Rhaenyra.

[smuttydreambarbie]

By Carynth's Light

Chapter 1: Painting Lessons

A/N: 18+ Nesta x Cassian smut with PLOT???

!! DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT A Court of Silver Flames SPOILERS !!

One like and reblog = one kiss on the lips 🕺

Takes place 5 years after ACOSF on Little N's birthday :)

My idea was to show what I imagine is a bright future after Silver Flames for the inner family, and what that looks like for everyone from Nesta's POV. Blissful normalcy, family bonding, love, discussions of children, and moderate amounts of spice after a long day 😈 Let me know in asks, tags, or reblogs what you'd like to see next. AO3 and Fanfiction accounts currently under construction :)

15ish minute read. A little bit for everyone.

Thanks for supporting writers and reading!!

Chapter 1: Painting Lessons

Nesta swore quietly as she knocked her pallet of paint over, splattering the contents all over the white sheet covering the floor. She was inside her sister's art studio in Velaris, taking painting lessons from Feyre alongside 2 large rows of children. As the small crash sounded, her sister glanced over her painting and squinted in suspicion, jokingly, before giggling and going back to her work on what was sure to be another gorgeous piece of priceless artwork.

Nesta had been a Valkyrie on the battlefield, a queen on the dance floor.... but with a canvas and paint? A fool, compared to even the children around her it seemed. Feyre's dream of teaching art and bringing her passion to the few families of the Night Court had been such a comfortable transition after getting used to motherhood in the last few years. As strong as she'd known their High Lady to be, this beautiful display of passion was what made her an obvious choice for leader. Seeing her in her element was inspiring, and she hoped to reach that level of bliss someday.

It was Nyx's fifth birthday today and Nesta could hardly behold the sight of the beautiful boy who was growing up before her. His glowing blue eyes held that sparkle of wonder and power as Feyre and Rhysand's do, which shined below his wild black waves that went past his ears. She didn’t know many children, but he was her favorite.

He was a quiet, intelligent, and funny child when he was around his mother and aunts, but around his father and uncles that little boy became a whirlwind of speed and energy. Every year he grew older, Nesta grew closer to admitting that maybe she wanted her own sticky little face to admire, someday sitting next to Feyre's boy. At five, he had begun speaking tales of pirates and mighty beasts, no doubt the inspiration for our painting prompt today.

"Don't forget, my loves. While drawing your beasts be sure to include the ground and sky behind them," Feyre announced from her place in the center of the room facing us, partially hidden behind her large canvas. She then stepped out and paced behind us, donning a paint covered set of what seemed to be men's clothes; a paint brush poking from behind her paint-splattered ear. Rhysand's tunic and trousers, Nesta realized.

Feyre was an image of comfort and pure, unintentional beauty. She gazed lovingly at our art as she spoke, "Does your beast have hair, feathers, wings, a tail, or something else magnificent? Does it exist to conquer battles or rescue lost souls? To paint or create music?" She had given us the task of creating a beast, whether real or imaginary, that brought us joy. An easy task for a bunch of children... And Nesta. Nesta had painted a mighty purple beast, made of circles and triangles with her amateur, but naturally artistic skill. Feyre nodded in approval as she passed.

Finding happiness and a family was not something Nesta saw in the cards for herself at most points in her life, but as Nyx and Cassian both glanced up at her from their places in the row at the same time, she breathed out a breath of disbelief at this life she had made for herself. Her family was by her side to celebrate another day conquered.

Another year triumphant.

Next to Nesta sat Cassian, Rhysand, and then her nephew. All 3 boys, with hair black as onyx, perched on the same size kids chair, all busily painting, everything from their exposed wings to their toes already covered in a rainbow of paint from a previous paint fight. Colorful little gargoyles, she laughed to herself. Nesta, thankfully, had swapped her seat with the only other big chair, besides the one her sister now sat upon, as they had arrived.

"My mighty Pegasus shall defeat you, traitor!" Nyx shouted suddenly to his father, wielding a paint brush as a mighty great sword. He brandished the weapon at Rhys. An orange-ish oval with several sticks and circles protruding from the figure laid upon his canvas. On the top of the oval, there are two more longer ovals. Wings, Nesta realized.

"A mighty Pegasus indeed, my son. But it is no match for my Beast of the Night!" Rhysand countered, laughing and striking the side of the boy's paintbrush with his own. A black blob monster was painted onto his canvas, a blue sky that he had just begun at Feyre's recommendation was scribbled behind the beast. He made a clang, clang, slice sound with his mouth as they erupted into a sword-brush battle, splattering paint in every direction. Feyre peered up from her painting again and looked upon her family with such pride. Cassian beamed.

Nesta and her mate's eyes locked as she donned that disbelieving smile on her face, drinking in the scene.

For Nesta was truly happy. She couldn't quite grasp her mind around the level of peace and preparedness she had felt at that moment. In the comfort she had found around her sister and brother, her friends, and her lover.

It was at that moment, she decided that she wouldn't drink her contraceptive tea the next day.

She decided that she'd let Cassian know after the lesson that her family would be perfect no matter what, but she wasn't afraid or unsure anymore about the idea of it changing. As she looked upon the small boy's face, she grinned a large smile again. Out of character at one point in her life, now an easy and welcomed movement.

+

A few hours later, Nesta and Cassian finally made it home to The House of Wind. As they entered from the brisk outdoors, they removed their jackets and set them in the coat rack inside the hallway.

"You look so beautiful covered in all that paint," Cassian whispered into my ear as he grabbed her waist from behind, locking his arms around her waist. Still walking, gracefully following behind her in a slow saunter, he continued, "but I think it's time for a bath."

Nesta was almost tempted to sprint to get to their bedroom at that idea. He bent down to put his head on her shoulder, and they continued their walk for a moment before Nesta spun in his arms, now walking backwards. She looked into his eyes and placed her hands on the tops of his large arms as if they were dancing and let him lead her through the large home. Seeing him with the people he loves like today brought such a joy to her heart, it almost ached. His sweet smile, his belly laughs, and his callused hands rubbing my knee from beside me where he sat. Always making sure that I know he is still there, unable to stay more than a foot away from each other if helped.

You four are always touching, stop being so in love and gross, Mor had once commented, the memory flooding her mind. As she walked into the family's River House: on one couch, Feyre and Rhysand sat leg to leg with their entire sides touching as they held hands in the middle. Nyx lay sleeping in Rhys's free arm, still only a babe. The mated pair of daemati whispered sweet nothings to each other in silence as usual. The other couch held Nesta and Cassian, sprawled sideways along the long and plush couch. Nesta cuddled in his lap reading a romance novel, her small body fit into her large mate's napping arms like a puzzle. A soft blanket lay over their legs. Soft music filled the room. A picture of absolute relaxation from all parties.

Jealous, Mor? Rhys laughed, pulling Feyre's hand up to his mouth to kiss her fingers gently.

Jealous, disgusted, and absolutely on the way to cry myself to sleep over witnessing this? Yes, she laughed, secretly proud of us all for giving ourselves a moment of happiness together-

"Where'd you go?" Cassian mumbled into my hair, almost making me jump. She had been daydreaming during their walk to... Oh. The kitchen. She had been thinking so deeply she didn't even realize where she stood. His pit stop was undoubtedly for the cookies he now held in his hand. Realizing she was deep in one of her daydreams, he came back to stand in front of her, towering over her small frame. He cupped each side of her jaw in his hands, "Tell me where your mind is adventuring off to, my love," he whispered only inches away from her lips, tickling the tip of her nose with his. He set his forehead upon hers.

"Mor." Nesta said, without explanation. She then realized what she had said by Cassian's snort. He pulled back to laugh a loud cackle at the ceiling. Recapturing her face, he put them eye-to-eye as he smiled so widely it made Nesta's chest hurt.

"Mor?? You could be fucking me, The Great Night Court General, your MATE, right here in this kitchen and you're thinking about Morrigan?" He boomed, laughing even louder than before, still holding her by the shoulder as he composed himself.

Nesta blushed, he knew she had fantasies of others joining their bed, but she had not intended those experiences to be with Mor. Her words came out wrong and he knew it, but of course now he had that thought in his head. She started, "First of all, no. To all of it. At least for now," Nesta winked, "Second, I meant I was thinking of something I realized today and once when I spoke to her," she finally expressed.

"What did you realize?" He asked as he slowly pushed her up against the counter, one hand on her waist and the other slowly making its way up the side of her neck. She hadn’t realized he had cornered her like a rabbit, eyeing his prey with that spark of lust dazzling through those dark eyes.

"That our family can never be large enough and I can never get enough of being around your stupid gorgeous face," she confessed into his lips, only a breath away. "That this place of peace we have found has led me to say to you that... I'm ready. I'm ready for the rest of our life, for our adventures, and I'm ready to plan our own child's birthday party someday."

Cassian's seductive face froze, as if the realization of what she said hit him like a tidal wave. A few unmoving and heart-wrenching moments passed as she watched the understanding and meaning of what she had admitted fill him entirely, and then she swore by the gods that a tear fell from his eye as he spoke with a soft voice, hands going to her shoulders, "Nesta Archeron... are you saying what I think you're saying?"

"Today was my last dose of tea, Cassian. I am."

With that confession, he grappled her entire body into his arms, spun her around, and bounded to our room with great and huge steps, cackling as they went. He showered everywhere he could reach with kisses and smiled at her as if he had just won the greatest prize he had ever been offered. A champion among men, he had decided.

He playfully tossed her onto the plush bed, removing her shoes with silence and laughter between them. Unable to contain their joy, they could only touch and fawn over each other like it was the first time again. They exchanged hot and heavy kisses for a while before Nesta pushed him off, causing him to grunt in frustration.

"Since we can't officially start until tomorrow, why don't you remind me what the Great General of The Night Court does to satisfy his mate? How an Iliryian fucks the one he calls his woman?" She spoke in her deepest, sexiest voice. Such a change from her no-bull attitude and demeanor that everyone else gets.

His cock throbbed at her dirty words, her obvious effort at riling him up working. She pulled him down again from where he peered at her, grabbing him by the hem of his pants, and all he could do was obey. Whatever his mate wanted of him, she could have. His body, his mind, his seed. All of him was hers just as all of her was his. After a few more moments of frantic kisses, his hands grabbed her hips and roughly pulled her against him so that the hard tent of his pants was against her sex. He grumbled a sound of what seemed to be pain and pleasure into her mouth, and then ground into her hips as he gripped the fronts of Nesta's thighs with both hands. Hard. Hard enough that there would definitely be bruises. She smiled up at him and his primal state.

Seriousness covered his face, pure male intent plastered there. They had woken up this morning and had their fill of each other, but after a long day of fantasizing about him and his babies... She needed his more-than-considerable length in her hands, her mouth, and filling her. His wings expanded above them in excitement before they fell, weightless over their bodies onto the bed around them. Nesta glanced up at them with mischief in her eyes and ran her entire hand from his back, along the thin membrane of his wings, down to the bottom that lay beside her. He moaned and shuttered at her touch, never getting used to how bold she was with wingplay.

In an act of what can be described as true love, they both moved at the same time. Her, reaching for his pants to unfasten them, while Cassian was reaching around, skillfully untying the front of her dress. He smirked his quickness before he paused and then suddenly yanked it from her body in such a rush it left her dizzy. When he looked at her almost naked body, a bright red corset looked back at him. The small pieces of fabric pushed her bust upwards in a way he had never seen before and showed off every glorious curve of Nesta's body. She had heard about the lingerie store in town from Feyre but had never been before Gwyn pulled her in earlier this week.

Underneath him, her fingers crawled up and down his chest as she spoke. She could feel the heat enter her cheeks, so she focused on his heavy breathing as she said softly, "I figured you might enjoy these on as much as you would love taking them off... so I picked up a handful on my shopping day with Gwyn," his entranced face moved slightly as one corner of his lips curled into a lustful smirk at that.

"The fact that we have been together for five years and I didn't carry you into that store myself has me beating myself up a little bit," he laughed into her neck, "because, boy was I missing out."

Sick of speaking, their mouths finally found each other's again as they removed all of their clothing, only the soft moans of the two of them filling the room like a great symphony. She reached down and found the length of him, taking his large cock into one of her hands, slowly stroking the top half. Cassian's massive size would never not be shocking to her, the thought of which caused a flash of heat and moisture between her legs. The thought of him throwing her around and slamming his full length into her as she likes was almost debilitating on its own, so she put her other hand onto her warm opening and rubbed as well. Cassian looked down between their bodies and watched as she pleasured the both of them to the same rhythm, before looking into her eyes and shaking his head lightly, straining between a laugh and pleasure sounds.

"You always know how to make me feel good, baby," he spoke, hot breath against her ear. She loved it when he called her pet names, which he claimed was a trophy due to her previous distaste of them. "Good girl," he said softly as he placed his hand over hers, still rubbing up and down on her clit together. After a minute, their fingers were partially intertwined together as he suddenly removed them from their current home between her legs and pushed her hand quickly and roughly above her head with a smile.

"Oh god, Cassian. I want you inside of me. Right. Now." She stated, unashamed of how much his closeness turned her on. He filled her body with a craving she could not satisfy with even hours of masturbation. In response, he lifted her other hand and captured both beneath his right hand above her, so her arms were straight on the bed. When he had both of her arms pinned, he decided he would repay her for her initial want to please them both. His body sank down as he kissed her eyebrow, the corner of her mouth, her chin, her neck, her collarbones, and then... Her breast. He placed a small kiss right above her nipple before taking the entire nub into his open mouth and suckling before nipping, not giving Nesta an inch of wiggle room under his heavy weight. She squirmed and could do nothing but moan his name and nothings in the form of expletives about what he made her feel.

Obviously feeling the heat of needing a quicker release, he looked down at her eyes, pushed her bent legs aside, grabbed a floating ankle, and growled, "You're mine," as he took his cock into his hand and slammed his entire length into her. She screamed a moan of pleasure and dug her nails into his back and bicep where she had reached and clung, tearing at his skin. He slowly pulled backwards before doing the same slamming motion again, always pulling out in a slow-motion slide. Had he wanted her to find release right then and there? She was so close she had to close her eyes and breathe as he picked up the pace. His hands went over her breasts as he stood up, now fucking her with her legs in the air at the edge of the bed. He grabbed her ankles in each hand and put them, so her feet were on each side of his head, where he then drew a few of her toes into his mouth. Cassian did not have a foot fetish per say, but he needed the feel and taste of Nesta in his mouth as he felt his climax roaring to the front of his mind. She had no complaints.

They had both been so uncontrollably horny the last half of the day that they both knew their first joining of the night was going to be hard and fast. Lovemaking could happen later, because for now? Now was the time for them to fuck like rabbits. Now was the time for Cassian to prove to Nesta that she was his, body and soul, forever. So, they did just that and didn't stop until the sun rose the next morning, coating their bodies with the warm glow of the golden morning sun and the salty sheen of sweat as the new day rose through the window beside them.

To be continued...

[nightshadedumplings]

Name: Svanhildre Reason or meaning of name: "Swan" and "warrior". Character’s nickname: Hilde, Svan Pronouns: She/her Role: Carrier/seeder (through magical means)

Physical appearance Age: 72 How old does she appear: 30s Weight: 265 lbs Height: 5'10" Body build: Chubby, with a large ass and breasts Eye color: Honey Distinguishing marks: A beauty mark on her left cheek Usual fashion of dress: A variety of long gowns, primarily in black. She prefers low cut tops and flowing skirts. Sometimes, she may wear colors like red or green, and more rarely, blue. She's very fond of jewelry made from rare gemstones and metals, her favorites being diamonds and gold. Art of her can be found here.

Personality Positive traits: Intelligent, well-read, pragmatic, reasonable, confident, dominant, sensual Neutral traits: Proud, gluttonous, hedonistic Negative traits: A little evil, selfish, arrogant, cold (not always, but she tends to be by default), uncaring (exceptions being certain people), unsympathetic Priorities: Money and power. After that, sexual gratification.

Present Current location: She has a large parcel of land and a sizable house deep in the woods. There's a small shop closer to the road where she sells potions and casts spells, for a fee. Currently living with: Her lovers, Streja, Storik, and Vrognir. There are a couple of servants and guards living on the property, but they have separate housing from the main house. Pets: She owns a few horses, but wouldn't consider them pets. Occupation: Witch Finances: Very, very wealthy.

Favorites Color: Black Food: Sugary baked goods. Literature: History. She also enjoys fiction and books on science or magic. Form of entertainment: Sex.

Activities Hobbies: Reading, potion making, magic practice, and sex. Plays a musical instrument?: The nyckelharpa and the kravik lyre. Smokes: Yes, a variety of plants and mushrooms. Drinks: Yes. Skills: Magic and potion making, music, and baking, though she doesn't do much of the latter very often. Extremely unskilled at: Most physical activity. She's strong, and has good stamina, but she doesn't know how to fight or do any sort of manual labor.

Misc. Svanhildre is extremely fertile, part by nature and part due to a side effect from the beauty potions she uses to keep herself young, her hair shiny, and her skin soft. Unbeknownst to her, the potions cause her to produce several eggs whenever she ovulates. Despite her best efforts to prevent pregnancy, she still ends up with a few babies in her belly sometimes. Having no interest in motherhood and not being very maternal in general, she doesn't keep any babies that she gives birth to.

She finds pregnancy embarrassing, and does her best to avoid getting pregnant. Secretly, she enjoys it, not despite but partly due to the humiliation that comes with it. This is the reason she hasn't sterilized herself, when it would be very easy for her to do so safely and quickly. She also doesn't admit even to herself that she enjoys it.

When pregnant, she'll act as though she isn't, as if she hasn't noticed. She may acknowledge some symptoms, but will never announce her pregnancy. If someone else comments on it, she'll become flustered and ignore them or pretend not to know what they're referring to.

[abookishshade]

What I liked in Diary of a Void by Emi Yagi, tr. by David Boyd and Lucy North (spoilers)

1) Theme of gender roles in workplaces. Shibata is the only woman in her section at the office, and all menial work like getting tea or coffee for others, cleaning up the fridge, etc. falls on her. It makes it difficult for her to focus on her actual work for which she was hired. It also gives her less time to herself at home as she almost daily ends up leaving for home from work past her time. So, one day in annoyance she comes up with the lie of her pregnancy. That solves all of the above issues for her in addition to gaining her the maternity leave that gives her a break from her annoying workplace.

2) Theme of loneliness. Shibata seeks solitude but she is also alone at times. She considers herself less miserable than the married women who despite being drained and tired themselves do the housework for their family, while she can spend her time doing what she likes. She does not like talking to people who do not care for her but would ask intruding questions about her private life and comment on what she isn't doing right according to them. Talking to those people makes her feel very alone. And it is not even as simple as avoiding the people she finds annoying because perhaps the vibrancy in those interactions makes her solitary apartment more darker: But why do I have to deal with these people who try to act like they care about me or my pregnancy while they ask the most inane, prying questions? Why is it up to me to produce answers that please them? And why is the way home so much darker and colder on nights like that? More than that, why is my apartment so dark when I come home alone from aerobics, after talking with the others about nothing in particular, snacking on whatever sweets are spread out on the table? There is also the fact that not everyone she finds annoying is so merely because they have nothing better to do or because they are inconsiderate. I think this was particularly emphasized through Higashinakano's character. He seemed annoying at the beginning, but later we find out that he has his own emotional reasons related to pregnancy and babies. At one point she also talks about family: Maybe that’s what making a family is all about: creating an environment in which people make space for one another— maybe without even trying, just naturally, to make sure that nobody’s forgotten.

3)Theme of lies. She is a 34 year old unmarried single woman living alone. But her lie turns her into an unmarried single mother, and she dedicates herself completely to this lie doing everything exactly as a pregnant woman would do for the entire period of a normal pregnancy. She does this because she doesn't care about lying to those intruding people and this lie enables her to maintain her privacy while still interacting with them: Even if it’s a lie, it’s a place of my own.

4)Theme of religion and motherhood. She talks to Mary, the Virgin Mother, in her head at parts. She sympathises with the role thrust upon Mary and the circumstances of her becoming the Virgin Mother and being eternally known as such, her personhood entirely ignored. Shibata too, after all, could get out of her uncompensated for extra duties only after she turned herself into a would-be mother through her lie. She finds solace in talking to this famous mother who must not have had it easy either, especially in those times, eons ago.

5) Theme of body. I liked how relatable Shibata's self-consciousness was: It was the bottom part of me that was different. I quickly dried myself off and tried on some skirts and jeans. Nothing looked right. My thighs were jutting out. And the way I looked from behind was . . . Well, it was just too painful to behold. This. I have felt this too. And I was happy for her when she felt better about her body after her walks and aerobics: It hadn’t even been three weeks since I’d signed up, but my body was already changing, little by little. Whenever I got out of the bath and looked at my backside in the mirror, I could see a real difference in my hips and thighs. My core felt stronger, and I didn’t feel like I was about to fall over all the time. My belly was getting bigger, and sometimes I felt a pain in my back, but it wasn’t unbearable. Honestly, I was feeling better than I ever had in my life.

6) The writing. I liked all the descriptions of the mundane day-to-day life activities. And her thoughts. Her overthinking tendency was also very relatable to me.

What I didn't like:

The visit to the doctor. It made zero sense to me. I was confused af.

[songofsilentechoes]

“/)///v///(\”

"Oh, Seraph? One of the finest blacksmiths in Piltover. You should check them out sometime. You won't regret it; quality work and professional service."

"Good folks, and good family. They helped me find my way when I first stumbled my way into Piltover, and have never once called in the favor."

"Looking back, it's kind of funny how quickly they welcomed me into their home. First it was just the occasional rest stop on my delivery rounds...maybe a little coffee. Then I offered to get some stuff from the market for them. Before I knew it, I was cooking meals to share with them, and being invited to stay for meals they made. I've got a room there to rest my head, if I need it when I'm on that side of town. I sometimes watch their kids. I really do feel like I'm one of the family."

"Seraph's a good man, although I feel like he could stand to get out from the forge a little more often. But I don't know if he knows what to do with himself when he's not working."

"Jinx used to scare me, but I think she's relaxed a lot since moving into the home. I'm not scared that she and Caitlyn will kill each other anymore. Jin's a handful sometimes, but he seems easy enough to placate. Have you seen the way he looks at Nalina? I think he's got a thing for fire, so I might ward the house for fire protection sometime....actually, might just do that anyway."

"Caroline's got a lot of energy and enthusiasm, which she channels into everything she does, from parkour to pet-ownership. Her menagerie would be almost untenable for anyone else, but it seems to be second-nature to her. I wonder if she could get a part-time job at the zoo..."

"Neph's an interesting one. I think Seraph was sitting on that project before I arrived, but after some prodding, he reopened it and finished it. She's both the most and least responsible of his kids. As the...biggest, if not the oldest, she seems to take a hand in running the house, regularly cooking or helping with the kids. But on the other hand, I know she was sneaking off to the fighting pits and needed repairs from time to time. I appreciate that she loves her family, but she's a fighter living in a more peaceful age, and I worry that she struggles with that."

"Sera's another interesting one. Seraph's sister, and she seems pretty wise most of the time. Perhaps that's an elf thing? Motherhood seems like it was a difficult transition for her, but she's determined to do it as best as she can. I think the love and support she gets from her family really helps. She works hard, probably as hard as Seraph, but she's a lot quieter about it. I try to sneak her elvish treats and care packages when I can find them for sale. Lief seems to follow Jin and Aura around, wanting to be involved in their games. She's not the baby anymore, but she's certainly a younger sibling. Her look of awe when she saw her baby sibling, though, was certainly something to see. I think she wants to be a good sister."

"Michelle's the newcomer, but she's got history with Seraph. An old flame from long ago, but Seraph still held onto her sigil. He's a hopeless romantic...but then, so am I, and I think it was sweet. She and him are both stubborn and need prodding to talk openly to each other, even if you can practically see the chemistry the two have when they're in the same room. She struggles with feeling like she belongs in the family, and I kinda get why, but if I'm a part of this family, then she most certainly is."

[urbanmaman1]

Fashion Meets Function: The Rise of Nursing Friendly Clothes

Motherhood is a journey filled with love, joy, and its fair share of challenges. For nursing mothers, one such challenge is finding clothes that strike the perfect balance between comfort, style, and functionality. Thankfully, the fashion industry has taken notice, giving rise to a trend that's revolutionizing the way mothers dress – nursing friendly clothes.

Gone are the days when nursing attire was limited to oversized tops and awkwardly placed zippers. Today, nursing friendly clothes combine fashion-forward designs with discreet nursing access, empowering mothers to breastfeed with confidence wherever they go. From casual tees to elegant dresses, there's a plethora of options catering to every style preference.

One of the hallmarks of nursing friendly clothing is its thoughtful design. Many pieces feature hidden openings, cleverly disguised as stylish details like zippers, buttons, or overlapping layers. These discreet openings allow for easy access during breastfeeding while maintaining the integrity of the garment's design. Mothers no longer have to sacrifice style for functionality – they can have both.

Comfort is another key feature of nursing friendly clothes. Soft, breathable fabrics like cotton, bamboo, and modal are commonly used, ensuring that both mother and baby stay comfortable during feeding sessions. Additionally, many pieces are designed to accommodate postpartum bodies, with stretchy materials and adjustable features that provide a flattering fit at every stage.

Versatility is yet another advantage of nursing friendly clothing. From office meetings to weekend outings, these garments effortlessly transition from one occasion to another. Layering pieces like cardigans and wrap tops not only add style but also offer extra coverage for nursing in public. With nursing friendly clothes, mothers can feel confident and stylish no matter the setting.

The convenience of nursing friendly clothing extends beyond breastfeeding sessions. Many pieces are machine washable and designed to withstand the wear and tear of daily life with a newborn. This durability ensures that nursing mothers can rely on their wardrobe to keep up with the demands of motherhood without sacrificing quality or style.

Furthermore, the inclusivity of nursing friendly clothing is worth celebrating. Brands are increasingly recognizing the diverse needs of nursing mothers, offering a wide range of sizes and styles to suit every body type. This inclusivity promotes body positivity and empowers mothers to embrace their postpartum journey with confidence and grace.

In addition to catering to the needs of Nursing Clothes For Women mothers, the growing popularity of nursing friendly clothing reflects a broader cultural shift towards embracing motherhood in all its facets. By acknowledging the realities of breastfeeding and designing clothing that supports this natural process, the fashion industry is sending a powerful message of support to mothers everywhere.

As society continues to evolve, so too does our understanding of what it means to be a mother. Nursing friendly clothing represents more than just a fashion trend – it's a symbol of empowerment, inclusivity, and the celebration of motherhood in all its beauty and complexity.

[melissa-driggers-photography]

Discover All The Wonders Of NOVA Wild Conservation Park

When you have younger kids, it can be really easy to fall into a cycle where screens are your default mode of entertainment. Parenting is stressful, and it can be hard to find a break without turning on an episode (or twelve) of Bluey. If the Heeler family has you itching to break away from the television and make some memories, I would love to tell you about NOVA Wild. This amazing organization is dedicated to bringing nature to Northern Virginia thanks to its conservation efforts and its wilderness park.   

About NOVA Wild

  NOVA Wild was founded originally as the Reston Zoo and served as a favorite spot for the community for years. Tara Campbell Lussier was one of the many Reston children who grew up familiar with the park, so when it became available decades later, she jumped at the opportunity to transform a piece of the city’s history. Tara turned the park into an ethical zoo that prioritized the animals’ welfare while still giving families the chance at a wildlife encounter. Every employee at the zoo has been thoroughly trained to ensure they treat the animals with the dignity needed. Their goal is to continuously improve the park so families can learn more about wildlife firsthand. The non-profit zoo also funds conservation efforts so we can continue to appreciate these creatures for a long, long time.  Wild Amounts of Fun NOVA Wild rests on over 30 acres and features over 200 animals. The park features both a walk-through and a drive-through section. So you can experience wildlife in the way that works for you. With the drive-through interactive safari, you can stay relaxed while getting to see animals, including the Asian water buffalo. Following the tour, you can walk through the zoo and find animals, including cheetahs, wallabies, capybaras, and birds. The zoo gives you the ability to customize your visit by purchasing tickets for NOVA Wild Encounters. With this option, you’ll have a zookeeper by your side as you meet sloths, kangaroos, fawns, anteaters, or capybaras. The site does have a snack bar as well as food trucks. So you can spend an entire day amongst the wildlife and refresh when needed.  Specialty NOVA Wild offers additional experiences that you simply cannot find anywhere else. Their Private VIP Oasis gives you a relaxing space where you can pack a cooler and unwind while supporting animal welfare efforts. Need a stretch? NOVA Wild lets you book some goat yoga so you can exercise with some friendly creatures before getting to explore the rest of the zoo. The park also lets you book field trips and private events for an unforgettable party. 

NOVA Wild

  With NOVA Wild, you can ditch the screens while getting to know animals from all across the globe. Check out this one-of-a-kind zoo for an adventure your family will remember for years to come.    If you need another way to make some family memories, we should chat. I’m a Northern Virginia family photographer, and I love working with families to create gorgeous portraits so they can hang onto this time for years to come. As a mom myself, I know how quickly time flies by, and I want to help you slow it down a bit! If you’ve been considering booking some portraits for your family, I’d love to have a conversation so you can decide if I’m the photographer for you. Contact me today to get the conversation started!    For more motherhood content, check out these blog posts: - Join A Warm & Nurturing Community at a Northern Virginia Daycare Read the full article

[devilsdiscipleshq]

THE BASICS | brie barlow

name: Brie Barlow face claim: Florence Pugh age & date of birth: 30, January 21st, 1993 hometown: Chicago, Illinois time in chicago: Entire life, aside from college neighborhood: West side occupation: Lawyer at Rossi & Rossi Law Firm

THE MAGNATE | background

As the story goes — Edward Barlow and Cynthia Sinclair meet in the early 90s, at a charity event where the two are the youngest attendees. Immediately they spark a whirlwind romance that graces the cover of nearly every tabloid. The heir to the Barlow Hotels fortune and known associate of the Italian Mob with Miss Universe on his arm? It’s the perfect recipe for a brand new It couple. Barely six months had passed before Cynthia was sporting a diamond on her left hand, the two wed in an entirely over the top ceremony before the year was over. Their image is picture perfect, with a life others could only dream of – It all seems picturesque, a mixture of glamour and danger, not showing the less polished reality they live in. Of course, the Barlows were always happy to flaunt their wealth each time they left their high rise, quick to remind the world of what tax bracket they were in.

And two years into their marriage, they welcome their first and only child – Brie, who is immediately part of the charade her family puts on. Designer labels and high society made for a good distraction from the less-than-legal associations the Barlow family is known for. With their family business serving as a stage for the Italian Mob, it’s hard not to speculate about the truth. Edward Barlow eventually took over his father’s role as a Capo, continuing the Barlow’s long-standing relationship. Of course, anyone outside of their circle would never know that with certainty, nor would they be able to find a trail with it. Instead, they’d be blinded by the diamonds Cynthia wore or her daughter’s need to be seen center stage.

Brie is a mini-me of her mother from day one – Something Cynthia happily curated herself. Her daughter was brought into a life of incredible privilege and wealth, and as soon as her mother got her chance, Brie started the pageant circuit. In the 80s, Cynthia had been the reigning Queen of the pageant world, winning countless crowns before finally embarking on the piece de resistance of the time – Miss Universe. Soon after, she transitioned her career into modeling and philanthropy, then motherhood. Brie was entranced by it all from the start, idolizing the image of perfection her mother put on display for the world. Being the center of attention was something she loved, thrived in. The outfits and theatrics only made it more exciting. While most children spent their days on the playground and playing with toys – Her free time was spent in etiquette classes and meeting with her pageant coach.

As a young girl, it became all too easy to conflate the real world and the stage; Whether Brie was top of her class, crowned Miss Pageant-of-the-month, establishing herself as the “queen” of her social scene. Brie poised herself as something others should aspire to, ambitious to a fault as she pushed her way past others if her own, honest efforts weren’t enough. Manipulation and sabotage helped her move along, a trait she easily picked up from her mother’s deceiving smiles and double speak, and her father’s way of doing business – It became almost second nature to step on a few toes each time she sought out a new goal or desire, more than happy to throw anyone under the bus if it meant she’d pass the finish line first.

This all created a notable reputation for Brie – That of a wolf in sheep’s clothing for those who knew her, and that of a driven young woman to those who didn’t. She was solid teflon, strategic in everything she does – Keeping a spotless image, refusing to let any cracks show. Somewhere along the way, reality and image warped together – Being the best was what got her trophies, attention and opportunities, her mother’s love. There was never an option for failure and growth, only perfection in everything she does. She comes by it honestly, having learned from a young age that if she’s not first, she’s last – Her mother’s direction and criticism warp her mindset, reminding her daughter that she’ll never be able to reach the standard held for her. The way Brie sees it – What’s the point of doing anything if you can’t be the best? It’s an ideal she’s always lived by, contributing to both her successes and self-resentment, a narrative only further perpetuated by her family.

Her determination is what gets her admission to Princeton, pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice. While her mother would have much preferred for Brie to remain in Chicago and find a nice boy to marry – Her goals only became larger and larger. After four years on the East Coast, however, she does make the return to the city she calls home. With that, she attends University of Chicago’s law school, earning herself a joint JD/MBA – And of course, what her mother says is the most important: A diamond ring on her left hand.

The latter comes from a long-time boyfriend during her law school years – Luke Caruso, the son of another Capo for the Family, as well as a family friend. She had never given him a second glance when they were younger, given that he’d been a few years older than her. But, reconnecting during their rigorous law school program proved to be enough to spark a romance. One her degree is in her hand, it’s not long until her unmatched work ethic and a heavy, heavy dose of nepotism land her a job at a law firm associated with the Family. She hits the ground running in her career field, all while planning the event of the year – her own wedding. The ceremony was an accumulation of all her hard work and schemes, to be the true beginning to the next chapter in her life: Happily Ever After.

Her relationship with Luke had never been seen as the healthiest – They were two sides of the same coin, constantly caught up in manipulating one another and screaming in each other’s faces just as often as they were declaring their love and devotion. It didn’t take hindsight to see they were a ticking time bomb, bound to leave quite the trail of destruction in their wake. Regardless, Brie was in love, so sure she’d met her match in every way possible. The way she saw it --It doesn’t matter what happens behind closed doors, right? Love is about perception, the narrative they create and the world sees, rather than something to be truly felt. A small voice in the back of her head reminded her that it was a bad idea, that they were absolutely rushing and were too young – But she was in love, and wasn’t going to hear it. As far as she could see, she’d done everything right; The right look, the right career, the right dress, the right guy. If she had to force the puzzle pieces together, so be it.

As the wedding march begins and the doors open, Brie’s receives news by the shocked faces of everyone at the ceremony – And the distinct lack of a groom at the end of the aisle. Luke had left her at the altar, abandoning their life together without explanation or reasoning. Once the chaos of the almost-ceremony is sorted, the dust begins to settle and reality comes with it.

It’s like he truly disappeared – No call, no text, no note. All of his clothes remain in the closet, his home office still in order, car in the driveway. It’s an eerie feeling, one that initially makes her panic. Part of her tries to convince herself he’d gone on a bender, that he’d gotten drunk and ended up in California or something equally as ridiculous and grandiose. It’s what she told herself as the first night went on, when her calls reaches his voicemail until the inbox is full and his mother tells her she hasn’t seen him. A terrible, sinking feeling quickly settles in. There’s no miscommunication or misunderstand – Her husband has left her. Needless to say, the devastation she’s left with is unmatched. Brie has never been one to let her emotions control her, but the weight of this betrayal is one she’s never felt before – It has her spiraling for weeks, unable to emerge from her own bed or put on the facade she’s become so accustomed to putting on. There’s no way to spin this, no way to brush it under the rug and pretend she’s not in pieces. She’d done everything right – Worked hard and fought to remain at the top, maintain the seemingly spotless image she’d crafted. And yet, she’s left alone, reminded that despite her best efforts, Brie will never be enough.

The iron grip of control she once had on her life has loosened, much to her chagrin. As time goes on, every time she tries to hide a crack in her armor a new one appears. Brie attempts to carry on as if nothing is wrong, as if her entire life wasn’t uprooted and she wasn’t left behind. She plays the role she’s known for so long, lifting her chin high and pretending she’s not stuck with the sinking feeling that she really is the villain she worries she may be. As time goes on, it becomes more and more difficult to put up a front – Fielding questions about her failed marriage and her husband’s disappearing act pull an Oscar worthy performance from her. Putting a heavy focus on work helps, makes it easier to compartmentalize when she has something else to put her energy into, instead of trying to figure out how to move on.

Within the two years that have passed since the end of her engagement, Brie puts forth her best effort to find a sense of control in her life, rather than succumb to the spiral. She’s figured out how to live a reluctantly single life, though her mother continues to remind her that she’s alone. Critiques from gossip magazines, strangers, friends – That’s easy to brush off, roll her eyes and come back with a hurtful retort to get the attention away from her wounds. But the commentary from her mother stings, pokes at her bruises and hurts more than Brie wants to admit it does. Cynthia has always been the one person who can throw her off course, never failing to leave her daughter feeling small and deflated. In an attempt to combat that, as well as put literal distance between the two – Brie changes anything she can get her hands on.

She sells her high rise on the North side in favor of renovating a cottage on the West side, ridding herself of anything that reminds her of the man who left her. She takes a job at Rossi & Rossi Law Firm, much to her family’s chagrin, taking on the role of one of the lawyers who defend the Devil’s Disciples MC. The club had proved to be more of a family than her own – Namely her cousin, Nico, had been a shoulder to lean on at the worst of it all, choosing to help her move on rather than pick at her scabs. Her parent’s had been more than disappointed to hear about her decision – Though, that only brought a certain excitement to it all, as well. It’s jarring to think that despite her best efforts, despite every seemingly perfect detail and correct step she took – Brie was left behind, on her own. Keeping control of her life was never a difficult feat before, never been something she had to white knuckle with an iron grip. Despite the life changes she’s made, it seems that each time she tries to hide a crack in her facade, a new one appears.

[ramrobert13]

Essential Travel Companion: Discover the Top 5 Versatile Uses of Towels 

Towels are an important part of your self-care regime. Whether you are travelling by car or train or plane, it is one thing that is a constant with you. People find it difficult managing without towels, especially when they are stickler of hygiene habits. Most interesting thing about towels is that these take any size as per the requirement and are available for serving various purposes. If we say, one towel and world of possibilities, it will not be an overstatement. So, here are the top 5 uses of towel that can make any travel completely comfortable.

Face towels

Also known as napkins, face towels are mainly required for wiping off sweat or dirt. One splash of cold water and soft dabbing of face towel – sometimes, this is more powerful than a cup of coffee. So, face towels make it easy for you to come back to action when you feel drained out. Face towels are for personal use and are preferred not to be shared.

Perhaps, it is the personal use factor that gives the makers an opportunity to create personalized towels. In commercial settings, like in hotels, there is an arrangement for personalized face towels made available to give special treatments.

Face towels are the first thing that comes in mind when we prepare a bag for a patient. All people with regular travelling routine need a hack for staying clean and face towels provide exactly that. That is why; people buy face towels after lot of shopping and enjoy using it only when these meet the comfort criterion most perfectly.

Bath towels

Another important part of personal hygiene kit is bath towels. Bath time can turn out to be horror show if the personal towel is not carried along to the bathroom. The bath towels for kids and adults come in different sizes and are designed mainly to support all kinds of body types perfectly. We all have heard and seen a number of funny bath towel anecdotes where the size does matter was proved beyond doubt; so, it is natural to bath towels online india according to the body type. Customized bath towels are also available in the market and people can even get their faces computer printed on these. Such is the diversified world of bath towels.

Beach towels

Quite popular as beach wraps, the beach towels are mostly super large in size. The people using beach towels need them for covering the body when they are lying under the sun. They also require beach towels to wipe off the sand after a swim session. Beach towels are more like a fashion accessory for some people and they drape it in different styles too. It is, therefore, important to towels online india and keep them in the duffle bag when you are travelling to a beach location.

Baby towels

The moment you enter the motherhood, your travel bag changes completely. Your baby’s priorities become your priority and baby towel is one such item in the travel list. Mothers may keep a variety of baby towels. Some are required to saddle the baby while sleeping, while others protect them from hot sunlight or cold weather.

So, when you have planned a travel, make sure that you never move out without towels. Simply put, towels make your travel easy and comfortable.

[wisefashioncreator]

Find A Perfect Leather Piece As A Gift For Your Mom

Mother's Day is a special occasion celebrated worldwide to honor motherhood and maternal bonds. It is a time to show appreciation for all the hard work, love, and care that mothers provide. With Mother's Day fast approaching, many people are looking for unique and meaningful gifts to surprise their mothers. While flowers, chocolates, and jewelry are classic choices, why not consider leather apparel? In this article, we will discuss why leather apparel makes a great gift for Mother's Day and how you can find the perfect leather piece for your mom.

Timeless Appeal

Leather apparel has always been in style and is a timeless material that exudes elegance and sophistication. Leather jackets, bags, and shoes are versatile pieces that can be dressed up or down, making them suitable for any occasion. Additionally, leather items tend to get better with age, so they will last for years to come, reminding your mom of your love and appreciation every time she wears them.

Durability

One of the most significant advantages of leather apparel is its durability. Leather is a sturdy and robust material that can withstand daily wear and tear, making it an ideal choice for everyday use. Unlike other fabrics, leather does not easily tear, fade or stain, making it a long-lasting investment.

Comfort

Leather apparel is not only durable but also comfortable. Leather molds to the body, providing a custom fit, and it breathes well, making it perfect for all seasons. The soft texture of leather feels great against the skin and is gentle on sensitive skin types, ensuring that your mom is comfortable and stylish all day long.

Variety

Leather apparel comes in a variety of colors, textures, and styles, making it easy to find the perfect piece for your mom. Whether she prefers bold and bright colors or classic neutral tones, you can find a leather item that suits her taste. From sleek leather jackets to timeless leather bags, there is something for everyone.

Eco-Friendly

Leather apparel is an eco-friendly gift choice. Leather is a natural material that is biodegradable, making it an environmentally sustainable option. Additionally, leather production processes have become more eco-friendly in recent years, with many companies implementing sustainable production practices.

Personalized Touch

Finally, leather apparel is a personalized gift that shows your thoughtfulness and attention to detail. You can choose a leather item that reflects your mom's personality or style, such as a leather jacket with her favorite color or a leather bag with her initials engraved on it. This personal touch will make the gift even more special and meaningful.

[mayuris-posts]

Good day bloggers. A warm welcome to Yash IVF blogs. 2023 has arrived with a bang with respect to key findings about IVF. By now, we know the difference between in vivo and in vitro. In the true sense, in vitro fertilization (IVF) is advancing and we are closer to achieving the goal to create a pregnancy which is as close as the natural one.

We have heard, the frozen embryo of 30 years has resulted in a twin pregnancy recently. Many celebrities opened up about the battle of infertility. A well-known celebrity was sad about not knowing about fertility preservation. She was helpless about the infertility battle and her tears made a way for disturbing facts. A stalwart of international repute was fortunate to preserve her eggs at age 30, waited to meet Mr Right and could enjoy motherhood now.

In this process of exchange, we felt the dire need to erase the misconceptions and create awareness about fertility. Let us walk together and get the facts right here.

When you are trying to conceive, the right approach is to visit the infertility specialist. Only a professionally trained consultant with good experience and international exposure will be able to assess and put in place an effective plan to ensure pregnancy- quickly and affordably

Some Common Misconceptions:

1. If you are healthy, and eating right, then age does not matter.

If you are healthy does not mean your reproductive health is good. Reproductive health is delicate and complex involving, many hormones. The biological clock ticks fast for women over 35. The quantity of eggs goes down as age progresses. The quality of eggs matters the most. The quality of eggs is a matter of concern as it may cause implantation failure or miscarriage. Age affects the fertility of men and women. Age is the single impactful point that affects a woman’s chance to conceive and have a healthy baby. A woman’s fertility starts to reduce significantly in her late 30s, and more so after the age of 35. The risks of pregnancy complications too increase.

Male fertility decline is more subtle as compared to females and a man’s age affects the chances of conception. Male age over 45 years increases the risk of miscarriage and the child’s risk of mental and developmental disorders.

2. Conception is easy after 1st baby’s birth

The firm belief in the majority of females is, there’s no way I can have a fertility problem after having my 1st baby. This is a case of Secondary infertility The factors responsible for fertility problems are pelvic scarring, endometriosis, blocked fallopian tubes, defective ovulation, poor sperm quantity or quality, and so forth. Irrespective of the cause, such conditions are either developed or worsened since the first birth. Complications during labour and delivery could have triggered a problem, or it’s an age-related fertility problem Treatments for primary and secondary fertility problems are often the same.

3. I am too slim, I will not have fertility problems like overweight females.

Obesity here refers to overnutrition and undernutrition. In both scenarios, it is over and above the ideal BMI (BODY MASS INDEX). Overweight, obese or underweight status can affect a woman’s fertility. Obesity can lower fertility in men too. One can have a greater chance of getting pregnant and having a healthy baby if you are close to a healthy weight. A measurable yet small weight loss can improve fertility and pregnancy health. Weight is directly linked to hormones & ovulation which has a significant impact on both sexes.

4. Fertility preservation is a farce and is only for rich people.

The biggest boon of fertility progress is a deep understanding of the process. It is very much possible to preserve eggs, and sperm to create babies in the future. Waiting for Mr.Right, yet not ready to settle for a baby, need financial planning, and working does not allow the planning of pregnancy can be a few examples that delay the pregnancies. Science of reproduction has allowed preserving the genetic material and surprisingly, such eggs or sperm don’t age over time.

Surprisingly, the cost of cryopreservation is within the reach of all and not knowing about this, is truly a matter of ignorance. Fertility preservation makes it possible for women to freeze their biological clock.

5. Irregular menstrual cycle means infertility

Complaints of Irregular menstrual cycles are common. Sleep disruptions, stress levels and exercise routines can modify the behaviour of hormones that regulate the menstrual cycle later. It is advisable to see a gynaecologist especially if you’ve gone more than three or four months without a period. Irregular menses may be the sign and symptom of many reproductive disorders but definitely translates into infertility. While correcting the underlying cause and regaining the hormonal balance, one can achieve conception.

6. Infertility is an issue of old people and those as young as 30, don’t need to bother.

Age is the most important deciding factor for fertility but due to various reasons, the young in their 30s still deal with it, too. It is estimated now,1 in 10 women face infertility before the age 30. Lifestyle, working environment, and exposure to harmful chemicals are some of the factors responsible for it. Smoking, Alcohol consumption too affect the reproductive organs.

7. IVF is the only option if you are unable to conceive naturally.

IVF is the option for a couple who are unable to conceive naturally but definitely not the only option. IVF is a costly and time-consuming procedure, reserved for certain conditions. For couples dealing with infertility, in vitro fertilization (IVF) is rarely the first option. There are many other less expensive treatments available. These fertility treatments are often determined by a few simple blood tests & sonography. According to the survey data available at NIH, 85-90% of infertility cases are treated with conventional medical therapies like medication or surgery.

8. He is already a father, he does not have fertility problems.

The statement often heard by us is not true. The reasons for secondary infertility exist for males too. Similar to female fertility, male fertility decreases with age, particularly after age 40.

Researchers have found a direct correlation between advancing paternal age and an increased risk of autism and schizophrenia. Men pass along as many as four times more genetic mutations compared with mothers. It is quite obvious as sperms are manufactured continuously. During the process, there are high chances of mutations. As a man ages, the concentration of mobile, healthy semen and semen volume overall will decrease.

[shushubabies]

What are some things mothers wish were created to make caring for a baby easier?

Mothers all around the world face a lot of challenges when it comes to caring for their babies. From sleepless nights to endless diaper changes, motherhood can be overwhelming. As a result, there are many things that mothers wish were created to make caring for a baby easier.

We understand the struggles of motherhood and have decided to do our part to provide natural and effective skin, body, and hair care products for babies and kids.

Our founder, Sulakshana, is a pharmacist, a mother, and an entrepreneur who knows firsthand the difficulties that come with caring for a baby.

Through her experience, she has identified some things that mothers wish were created to make caring for a baby easier, and we have incorporated those ideas into our products. For example, mothers wish there was a way to prevent diaper rash or soothe it quickly when it does occur. That's why we have created our Baby powder with natural ingredients like Shankhpushpi and Arrowroot to protect and heal your baby's delicate skin.

Another challenge for mothers is finding safe and effective products for their baby's hair. Many babies have sensitive scalps, and harsh shampoos can cause irritation and discomfort. We have created our Hair & Body Wash with gentle, natural ingredients like aloe vera and coconut oil to clean and nourish your baby's hair and skin.

Mothers also wish there was a way to make bath time more fun and less stressful for both themselves and their babies. That's why to create Bath Time Fun, we made a cute Bear Soap to keep your baby entertained while you wash them.

At Shushu Babies, we improved our products through rigorous R&D and most importantly mothers' feedback. We crafted our products for mothers who want to nurture their kids with nature, listening to them and incorporating their ideas and advice into our products was always an add-on for us. We want to make caring for your kid as easy and enjoyable as possible, so you can focus on creating those precious moments with your little one.

[fiveminuteswithelissa]

4-17-18 for myself

The moose and the goose wandered around with nothing to do,

Until they drank at a lake and across was you know who.

They traveled together all the way to Timbuktu!

Sharing stores of past loves and laughs,

Not knowing why their life brought them to this path.

Miles and miles they walked as the days seemed to get longer,

But they just kept on going not letting that bother.

From time to time they would stop to rest,

Assure themselves they were doing their best.

When they got to this gully, they saw a bully.

And teamed together to stop him from hurting;

Brought him on their adventure,

And let him talk of what inside was turning.

At the end of their walk;

the moose and the goose realized why they had met,

To take the time to help someone else realize respect.

Respect for themselves and the beauty around them.

That bully for a moment took in his surroundings a bit

Only to realize no matter what his new friends looked like

He finally seemed to fit. 💜

When the lamb met the lion he asked

What there was to life after this

Nothing just be happy and be free

He replied

That story has already been written for thee

Take this life

Make those wishes

Raise those hopes

For when the day is done

And the sun starts to fade

Life is a game

And you my little lamb you are the arcade. 💙

4-18-18

The little bunny looked so funny playing with the duck

Rolling around on the ground having so much fun

With smiles in tacted and laughs in progress

They were so care free it sent chills down my spine

to be so pure and full of life

is to say be the least the best

not knowing what this world beholds

not knowing what the future holds

just knowing how it feels to see Mom smile

knowing how it feels to laugh with Dad a while

endless possibilities all at her fingertips

lessons and triumphs in her abyss

it is these fine little moments

I have no doubt as a mother

I will truly miss. 💜

I'm so happy I take photos

Capturing memories for fun

And at the end when all is said and done...

no matter how we felt in those prior moments and days

even when our minds felt like a circus of parades..

Sometimes the past we all wish to go back to. 💜

4.19.18

missing my family a bit more than I would like to admit. in life you have the family you are born into and the family you chose, at some point they mesh together as the pieces begin to fuse.

the more you pull away, the more they try to stay. to prove to you that you are worth the greatest things life has to offer even when things seem to dark to try and bother. there is a bond between those who share blood, those who share memories full of life and love.

tears, years, pains, gains and far from un heard screams. all I want for you is to find YOUR happiness and to fulfill YOUR dreams. I may take my space, I may sometimes hide. but it is only to protect myself, protect my pride. To hold onto what I have built to survive but please never for a moment think I don't hear your cries.

When you are growing up you are led to believe motherhood comes so easy - from breastfeeding to diaper changes and all the oddities in-between - it wasn't until I held you in my arms that I knew what kind of mother I was. I was your mother and that was as perfect as it will ever be. Everyone does things differently, everyone second guesses if they are doing things right. But for what reasons when in retrospect, it's only our actions and thoughts that bring that fright. yes other people and places may have painted things a different color but it is from inside your character, inside your being that shows you your true mother.

your true nurture by nature and all that is glory

4.20.18

consider yourself blessed to be able to touch feel smell taste & experience the outside world - some people never get the chance. trust me and all my scars that depression can be a serious life changing thing and sometimes getting out is harder it seems than breathing since that just kind of happens and thus we keep on living.

4.21.18

Some moments are harder than others

Some hard to grasp

As they vanish so fast

My how fast they flee

While emotions take a hold of thee

Are you supposed to have a button

Which just brings you to center

In moments of intense uninvited endeavor.

Tossing and turning

What is sleep anymore

All for this little bundle of joy

All for this little girl

All for this tiny human being

who has completely changed my world.

Oh how I cherish you.

Tales of a shattered heart

A misguided judgement of unspoken terror

not knowing where exactly this life took error.

The tales of a brand-new mother.

4.22.18 7am [bathtime]

Man I haven't scrubbed walls since 2007

By this day and age I thought I'd be in 'heaven'

not saying I'm not happy I am here

Just back then my mind was filled with such fear

Do any other moms just wake up and start to clean?

without a second thought about it

Eyes open like..

"Oh shit those clothes...they need folded"

As you float out of bed..

Talking to yourself over and over in your head

"But I just want to sit" "But I just want to not" "But can't someone else do it" "But I just want to cry" "But I just want to be" "But does anyone else feel like this or am I all aone"

My head filled with so much "but"

Yet sometimes I don't like the one I have to sit on.

Sometimes I wish things were much easier

Yet there is so much harm in that..

I wouldn't be the amazing person I am today

Had I not gone though all that crap.

All those things that made me stronger

All those things that made the nights seem longer

Made days never ending and life seemed like one big book.

Until I stepped back and took a hard look..

Went to rebab and back to find who I am

Yet..I'll always be wandering.

I'll always be wondering.

I'll always be t h i n k i n g

What if things were easier?

Constant battles in my head.

One fighting the other to leave things unsaid.

I miss having people.

I miss having friends

I pushed people away when I needed them the most.

I hit the panic button and my being went ghost.

Over the years I disappeared more and more.

Doing drugs to numb the core.

Til one day I woke up again..

Woke up wanting to feel,

Not wanting to suffer,

Just wanting to heal.

Take time i said.

It will be your longest journey

But at the end of all of it

Hopefully you'll figure out why you're hurting.

Come to terms with the past

As they lay where they do

Just keep turning the pages

In that book that is you.

4.23.18

Sometimes I just want to cut my wrists open

Just to see how much I bleed

It's like unless I feel the pain on my flesh

My mind will never find ease

I smoke away the pain

Day after day

But when all the demons manifest

When the next day comes to play

Open my eyes to a world full of options

And yet to no surprise -

All I want to do

Is lock myself in the bathroom

And take some time to myself

I need those few moments to recollect my health

I know I am a wonder woman

Full of so much strength

But when the darkness tries to take a hold

It's so hard to keep my eye on the gold

More distant and cold it feels

As the days turn into months

Not knowing when I can speak

Just knowing when to keep quiet

Knowing when the darkness comes

I can't do anything but hide it.

I wonder who I was before the harm

Before those moments that stole my charm

Took me away from reality and set my mind in a twirl

The someone I never got the pleasure of meeting

That undisturbed Elissa, that quiet little girl.

I wonder if why I starve myself

I think it's the only way to hide

to hide the hurt, the pain, I really feel inside.

When things get really bad

I need to physically feel pain

So I sit alone day after day

Not allowing food into my brain.

Because razors show blood and blood shows scars

But as my insides lay dying

And a smile on my face

Noone can tell that inside my soul

Is a sprit that needs ecscapes.

I write, and I just want to be heard.

They are truly beautiful writings.

Even if some are disturbed. 💙

4.24.18

So much distress

So much anxiety

When you walk through the door

And I don't know what to say to

I can't imagine a life without you

But I know I deserve the best

Is it that you truly don't want to be my one and only

Or are you too broken inside to try to figure out the pieces

I decided to have a family with you because you are my best friend

I thought you went out and realized it was me you wanted in the end

My mind just races with un happy thoughts

Reminiscing on the faces that we have seen in the past

Wondering why I was so broken I tried to distroy the one I loved

Why I ever did the things that scared your being so much

You question our love

You question if it's right or wrong

You question if you really mean to inflict harm

All I want is for you to find happiness

But in doing that allow me to be myself

Allow me to have friends and not question my intentions

But if you do have fears, call for interventions

I want to have this life with you

I want to continue making memories

But now with our daughter

Who needs the both of us

And if this isn't something you see for the longrun

Than I have to do what's best for her

I don't want you to pack your things one day when she is four

And all she knows is dad's gone, he went out the door

She seems him sometimes but mom seems sad

Never having the real answers of why things went so bad

I'll allow her to ask questions as I wish I could

To pry and to analyze

What happened to her.

When you came back into my life,

And the fire in my heart grew bigger again,

We decided to start a family.

But for some odd reason

That doesn't seem to be your winner

At least not anymore.

Is it because anytime you have tried to change

It's all lead to sadness?

Well guess what sweeite -

The world is full of that shit,

It's all maddness

But sometimes you stumble

Sometimes you find

Someone you become passionate about

And you suddenly become humble.

I just want to be that person you trust

The person you can talk to

When your whole world starts to crumble.

4.26.18

I feel like an unfit mother

Just going through the waves

All of the days turn to nights

With in between bits of rage.

Do I want a different life?

No, I just want things to change.

I want to have more opportunities for myself

More things to do with my daughter.

If you don't want to be part of this life

The one I thought we created together

I'll be okay, I know that to be certain

Doesn't mean it will be easy or won't be a burden.

I would have never done this

if I didn't want to work through things with you

But as time journeys forward it seems clear what to do.

It feels like you need to be alone,

Shit maybe we both do

To take the time to look inside

To see what's just a true

I won't keep her from you

I wouldn't ever wish that on anyone

I know what it was like to have one parent,

You do to - only opposites and look how great we turned out.

I will always question what it's like to have a mom

To have someone comb your hair for you and

Not just pop back into your life when I'm 13 and smoke a bong

And you'll always wonder what it was like to have a dad

Someone to go pick bugs with you out the grass

I never wished this upon my children but I understand

That when we are so close together

Things get tangled and it feels hard to breathe

Sometimes you just need a break but here we have no space

Even with all the miles and empty roads here in Hagerstown.

5.5.18

I love my birthday

It's like every year I have an excuse to grow up.

5.6.18

As the dust settles and we wind up back "home"

I can't help but feel distance

I can't help but feel alone

Like I am on this journey with two shadows

One whom can't speak

And one who can't seem to enjoy the things I keep.

TIRED. FEARFUL & ALONE

How is one supposed to call this place home?

Just back from such a lovely adventure

Made memories in which I'll forever treasure

Blessed beyond belief to experience this life

So compassionate about having our own child

In which to provide courage and protect

Not show weakness and disregard and disrespect

From someone who claims to love or even try and care

Yet when shit hits the fan and the mask of happiness is removed

You don't wish to see the tears I hide and the madness I keep inside

I know you don't know what it's like to have family

But I know what it's like to have someone who cares

I know what unconditional love feels like and I need that again.

I found it in my father. I thought I found it in you, friend.

In these bodies we will live

In these bodies we will die

Where you invest your love

You invest your life.

5.8.18

All these songs about drugs money women and sex

What about self love, good nutrition and self respect.

What about not second guessing your intuition.

What about making the best of every situation

and leading your own life instead of fallowing others limitations?

Instead of how to numb yourself on every radio station..

Why don't we teach our youth about hardships and self preservation?

I was always so back and forth about having children

Knowing this world we live in

One full of such fear and constant strife

I just know I don't want my kids to live the same life.

If there is anything I wish to teach my daughter,

It is how to love herself.

For friends, family, pets, flowers -

everything comes and goes and you only get one you.

So please if you can do one thing for yourself,

Forget what standards other people hold you to.

Take those moments for yourself.

Take that quiet time.

Take those little steps you must,

In order to feel prime.

All you have is 24 hours to do things differently.

To serve a different plate

And taste a different life

To do things to center yourself

To make sure you're alright.

For if in every 24 hours we could listen to ourselves

We could take out those memories and dust them off the shelf

We could make new memories and not stay so stuck in the past

We could make those memories self sufficient and kind

We could take those moments and change the ripple of time.

we all have our moments. that is what makes life worth living. If things were always beautiful, there would be no room for growth :)

5-21-18

I miss people. I miss human contact

Someone to listen to me and not zone me out

Someone to hang out with and talk about what life is about

I find myself waiting as soon as you leave

For you to return back home

But for what?

It's not like when you return I feel less alone.

Hours and hours spent waiting for the door to open

Only to have it happen and I feel even worse

I thought it was a blessing

Maybe it is a curse.

How does one make friends these days

When we are all hiding behind our phones

Day after day I just want people to talk to

So I don't feel so alone.

5-22-18

Little Leighra Nova

You are the light of my world

You are everything I ever dreamed a child would be

And I am beyond words blessed to be able to call you my daughter

You make me want to live everyday like the last but work harder

I love you endlessly and you are my ray of sunshine

Never for a moment doubt my love for you

For it's one I have never known

But inside me each and every second

My admiration for you has grown.

I love you to the ends of the Earth and back again

You are my favorite person in this universe,

And maybe the next.