#but for fucks sake I lost 20 pounds in a month and you said NOTHING

[reptilequeen2000]

I’m so tired of the distance I’m so tired of the loneliness eating away at me

[book-boys-are-my-guilty-pleasure]

A Stark and her Soldier ~ Part 1

Imagine: Reuniting with Bucky when you end up helping Sam with the Flag Smashers.

Warnings: TFATWS SPOILERS! This takes place during the first two episodes of the show.

A/N: I can’t believe I’m saying this but I’M BACK (with a new header lol)!!! AHHHHHHHH! It’s been nearly two years but here I am… posting this makes me SO nervous, so feedback would be highly appreciated! More parts and some information about what I’m planning with this blog to follow soon! 

“You held us together – do it for them,” he paused before adding, “Promise me you’ll do it for them.”

You blinked away the tears, knowing what was coming, “I can’t promise that...”

“Y/N please,” the way he begged you with that shaking voice was nearly enough to push you over the edge.

“I-I promise.” He squeezed your hand before letting you leave.

“You’ve reached James Barnes, sorry I couldn’t take your call, please –” you hung up before the recorded message could continue, face burning with frustration. This was the 9th time you had tried calling him this week, not to mention the countless text messages.

You scoffed thinking of Steve’s last words to you, how were you supposed to hold them together when you barely held yourself together on a good day? It doesn’t make it any easier when the person you’re supposed to be holding together is so keen on letting himself fall apart.  

Every time you tried calling him, you ended up feeling furious, miserable, or like an absolute failure – usually all three. You promised Steve, you promised, and you failed. You groaned and chucked your phone across your bed.

The last time you had seen him, Steve had still been around, and you hadn’t even spoken to him since Tony’s funeral.

 You and Pepper had walked to the lake, each holding one of Morgan’s hands, and you had sat at the dock watching the arc reactor – his heart – float away, the people behind you forgotten in your grief. The weight on your heart was unbelievable, you had already lost your best friend, Natasha, and now your brother was gone.

You promised him that you wouldn’t cry at his funeral – he always knew it was inevitable – and so you sat there, sending him away with a pained smile.

You had no idea how long you had just sat there, staring at the horizon across the lake, trying to make this last moment with your brother last forever.

“Y/N?” You felt a hand squeezing your shoulder, “You should come back inside.”

“What happens now, Steve?” Your voice was softer than he had ever heard before.

“I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out together,” he paused for a moment before gesturing to Bucky, waiting outside the house behind him, “He wants to talk to you.”

You gave Bucky a small smile, “Hey.”

He walked over and dropped down next to you, Steve leaving the two of you to chat, “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you,” You nodded solemnly.

He added, “For everything, Y/N… he probably wouldn’t even have wanted me here, but –”

You shook your head and took his hand, heart fluttering at the contact. You had always been attracted to him, and it had only grown with every interaction. “That wasn’t you.”

You knew your brother never blamed Bucky, you all knew how it felt to have people mess with your heads and Bucky had had the worst of it. He was furious at Steve for years, but never at Bucky – you could never bring yourself to be angry with either of them, not after the stories you grew up with. Your father had adored the soldiers and you had been one of their biggest fans, and later one of Steve’s closest friends.

There had come a point after the battle between Tony and Steve when you had become sick of all the back and forth. You were lucky enough to find an escape when T’Challa got in touch with you, offering you a chance to come to Wakanda and learn about their technology – you weren’t ashamed to admit that you were the one who contacted him to beg for it. You hadn’t known that Bucky was already there. Slowly but surely, the two of you found comfort in one another and became good friends.  

He gave you a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “You should head inside, it’s getting late – I’ll see you again soon.”

He stayed true to that statement, the two of you stood with Sam and Bruce, waiting for Steve to come back after returning the stones – only to have him shatter your hearts.

You only saw Bucky in passing after that, occasionally visiting Steve at the same time – you never said a word to him, beyond a smile or a wave, and then you stopped seeing him all together. You tried, for the sake of your promise to Steve, but he never answered your calls or texts.

“We’ll figure it out together, right, thanks a lot Steve,” You muttered.

You jumped at the sound of your phone ringing, and your shoulders sank a bit when you saw Sam’s name flashing across the screen, “Hey.”

“He’s doing an interview,” You knew exactly who Sam was talking about, “Good Morning America.”

Your stomach turned, “That’s the last thing I want to see.”

“I know, I just thought I’d share my joy with someone,” Sam chuckled, “Any luck with Bucky?”

“I’m just wasting my time at this point,” You could feel the tears returning to your eyes as you said it.

“Hey, come on now, he’ll come around, he just needs some time.”

“Right…”

“Listen, I called because we have a lead, wanna join?”

“Please.”

“I hate it, his stupid face plastered on every wall, it feels like he’s mocking us.”

“Don’t you start, Y/N.”

“Seriously Sam, I get that he’s the new Cap – the fake Cap, but don’t you think that this,” You gestured to the posters around you, “is excessive?”

“It-”

“Shouldn’t have given up the shield.” Your heart skipped a beat at the sound of his voice and your face heated up with anger, you hadn’t realized it was possible to feel such contrasting emotions at the same time, but here you were. You noted that his voice was a bit hoarse and wondered if he had been sick.

“Good to see you too, Buck.”

“This is wrong.”

“So is pushing away everyone who cares about you.” He finally looked at you and you saw shame glistening in those steel blue eyes.

He said nothing before turning back to Sam, “You didn’t know that was gonna happen?”

Wow, ignoring your calls was one thing, but outright ignoring you while you stood in front of him, that caused a different kind of hurt.

You stood in silence as Sam explained where the two of you were headed, trying to push away the pounding in your head, and suddenly, you found yourself in a jet sitting next to Bucky.

“You could have answered, even once. Could’ve at least let me know that you were still alive.”

“I know,” Was all he said.

“We were friends once,” Nothing, “and I still care for you.”

“I know.”

“Four months, a full four months and I didn’t hear a single word from you, I’m going to need more than ‘I know’.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry.”

You could tell that he meant it and didn’t know what more to say, so you got up and headed towards the open door of the plane, “I’ll catch you boys on the ground.”

You watched Sam follow, and considered helping Bucky as he fell through the trees, but you decided against it. He hurt your feelings and now you could call it even.

Super soldiers? How on earth were there more super soldiers?! You didn’t have much time to ponder on the thought as you got kicked in the face by one of them and fell off the semi – definitely should have let Tony make you a helmet like he insisted.

You flew back up only to see him dropping out of a helicopter, Fake Cap, fuck.

“Looks like you guys could use some help,” Your blood boiled at the sight of his cocky grin.

You weren’t winning, and you weren’t stupid enough to continue trying, let Steve’s knock-off take care of it.

You flew off just in time to see Bucky lying on top of Sam, the latter groaned in displeasure.

“Hey, can you gentlemen save the PDA for later?” You joked, earning a glare from both of them.

With the adrenaline slowly draining from your system, the pain from the blows you took started to set in, making you dread the trek in front of you. As if on cue, you heard a horn honking and Fake Cap pulled up next to you, “It’s 20 miles to the airport, you guys need a ride.”

“I think we’re good,” You simply stated.

“You won’t make it with that limp.”

You gave him a crude smile, “I’d rather crawl.”  

They stopped and opened the door, you exchanged a look with Sam and Bucky, silently deciding to join them.

You sat between Bucky and Sam, and felt the anger and disgust radiating off of both of them with every word that was exchanged.

“Y/N Stark,” You despised the way he said your last name, like he wanted to devour you, “You are one of the original seven, I trust you know the importance of having a strong team. I’d suggest giving a word or two of advice to your friends here.”

“Did you really just compare being on a team with you two, to being on a team with the Avengers?” You glowered at him, “A word of advice Walker, you’re not Steve, you might be holding that shield, but you will never be half the Captain America that he was. So quit fucking pretending.”  

“I didn’t realize Stark’s sister had such a mouth on her,” He smirked, he knew exactly what he was doing and as much as you hated to admit it, it was working, “Vicious.”

“Go to hell.”

The ride didn’t last very long after that, and you had no complaints when Bucky demanded them to stop the car.

You opened your eyes and rolled over to see Sam still asleep on the seats across from you, and Bucky was sitting on the large crate in the middle of the jet, “Not tired?”

“Nah,” He shook his head.

You pushed yourself to your feet and hopped up next to him, “You’d think they’d make those seats a bit more comfortable considering the amount of time we spend on these things.”

He chuckled and the two of you fell into a comfortable silence. After a considerable pause he turned to you, “Y/N, I meant what I said earlier, I’m sorry.”

The dark bags under his eyes were a stark contrast from the beautiful blue that you were looking into, which you noted which had lost its luster. You noticed that his voice still had a bit of that hoarseness from earlier in the day, and the dots connected. You remembered how hoarse your voice used to get when you’d wake up screaming from the nightmares after particularly rough missions. You understood why he was awake, he didn’t want you and Sam to see him like that.

You nodded, “I know, I just wish – I was worried sick about you. I know it hasn’t been easy for you Buck, but we were good friends once and I miss you.”

“I wanted to call, it’s just been tough,” He admitted, and you reached over to take his hand, only to quickly pull away as Sam woke up.

“You two okay?”

“Yeah,” You both said. You wondered if Bucky’s super soldier ability allowed him to hear the way your heartbeat picked up from that brief touch.

Your mind was racing a million miles a minute, you had barely kept the tears in listening to Isaiah’s story, both out of anger and sadness. How? How did this happen? How was this man tortured, then brushed under the rug? How did no one know about it? Why the hell did Bucky keep this from you?

Sam mirrored your pained expression, but something darker lurked beneath his eyes, you couldn’t even imagine the rage he felt. The sound of a police siren pulled you out of your thoughts.

Your anger only grew at the argument that ensued, “I am calm, what do you want? We’re just standing here talking.”

“Just give him your ID,” You glared at Bucky as the words left his mouth.

“Why the hell should he? He didn’t do anything wrong!” You growled, at the same time Sam said, “I’m not giving him shit, we were just talking.”

“Hey, hey, look, is this guy bothering you?” The officer asked you and Bucky. Your eyes widened, he can’t be serious right now.

“No, he’s not bothering us, do you know who this is?!”

You couldn’t even stand to look at the guy as his jaw dropped in shock upon realizing who Sam was, you felt your body shake with anger, and you didn’t even want to think what would have happened if Sam hadn’t been an Avenger.

The officer returned from his vehicle and turned the tables, announcing that there was a warrant out for Bucky’s arrest.

Watching him being handcuffed and put into the car shattered your heart, if the events of the day hadn’t already left you feeling nauseous, you knew this would be the nail in the coffin. All you could see was Bucky on his knees with a gun to his head nearly seven year ago when Steve barely prevented T’Challa from killing him and the four of you had been arrested – Tony had been furious with you, but it was the shame in Bucky’s eyes that had hurt you the most, and here you were, witnessing it again.

You reached over a grabbed Sam’s hand and squeezed as hard as you could, desperate for a lifeline to keep you from sinking into those painful memories.

You maintained that same grip on the poor man’s hand as you sat at the police station waiting for Bucky to be bailed out, “Sam, Y/N, I’ve heard a lot about you two, I’m Dr. Raynor, I’m James’ therapist.”

The two of you shook her hand and Sam thanked her for getting Bucky out.

“That was not me –”

“Christina!” You’d recognize that voice anywhere from the way it made your skin crawl, fuck, “Good to see you again.”

You clenched your jaw to keep yourself from punching the stupid grin off of his face as he pointed to himself when Dr. Raynor asked him who authorized Bucky’s release. You knew you had a problem with constantly wanting to punch people in the face, it was a trait that ran in the family, but Walker’s face was definitely one of the most punchable ones you had seen – a good ol’ pop in the jaw wouldn’t hurt, right? Just one?

“He’s too valuable of an asset to have him tied up –”

That was it, that was all you were willing to hear, you couldn’t stop yourself from getting in his face and hissing, “Call him that again, and I swear to god Walker, I –”

Sam put his arm around you, hand pressed to your stomach and pulled you back, “Y/N.”

Walker simply smirked and turned back to Raynor, “Do what you have to do and send him off to me. Got some unfinished business, him and I, you too Wilson, and bring your guard dog with you.”

It took everything in your power to keep from snarling at him.  

“James, condition of your release, session now,” The doctor ordered, “You two as well.”

“I’m good, I’ve been to enough therapy,” You shook your head, at the same time Sam said, “That’s okay, I’ll be out here with –”

“That wasn’t a request,” You couldn’t help but chuckle, and decided that you liked this woman.

You and Sam sat on either side of Bucky, facing Dr. Raynor as she got started. You couldn’t help but notice the way Bucky’s eyes shifted and jaw clenched as Sam tried to weasel his way out of the session, and your chest tightened. He looked so tired, and not just the ‘hasn’t slept in a few days’ tired, but more like he was tired of trying – he looked broken.

You decided in that moment that you would try, and not just for Steve, but for the man next to you who had held a piece of your heart before he even knew you, and managed steal that piece away when you had met him years later.

You realized how hard you’d have try when Bucky answered Dr. Raynor’s question with, “In my miracle, he would talk less.”

“Exactly what I was gonna say, isn’t that ironic?” You sighed, so hard.

She turned to you, mimicking the expression on your face, “Y/N, can I trust you to give me a proper answer?”

Try, Y/N, try. You saw a glimmer of hope in Raynor’s eyes as they met yours, but you simply shrugged and looked away, unable to bring yourself to open up, and she let her shoulders fall slightly.

“You guys are leaving me with no choice. It’s time for the soul-gazing exercise. Y/N, you can sit this one out, you get along with both of them well enough.”

You rolled your eyes at the reactions from the boys, this’ll be good. You couldn’t help but chuckle as they got closer to one another, maybe I should have taken part in this exercise. They made eye contact and continued to hold it, you realized what they were doing moments before the doctor did and let out a genuine laugh – earning a glare from Raynor, don’t encourage them she seemed to say.

“James, why does Sam aggravate you? And don’t say something childish.” Your head filled with a hundred different ideas about what stupid things Bucky would come up with, only to have them fizzle away at his cheeky grin towards the doctor, followed by the lick of his lip. It left your throat dry. Snap out of it, Y/N, what’s gotten into you?

He paused for a moment, his expression changing, and turned back to Sam, “Why’d you give of that shield?”

You held your breath, you knew this was going to come up, but weren’t expecting it here. You couldn’t take your eyes off of Bucky, noticing every change in his face, it becoming more pained with every word that left his mouth, and your chest tightening alongside it, until finally, “So maybe he was wrong about you. And if he was wrong about you, then he was wrong about me.”

The break in his voice cracked your heart into a million pieces. You looked up, trying to keep the tears swimming in your eyes from falling. You turned your attention towards Sam and noticed the emotion behind his glassy eyes – it was different than anything you had seen in him before, it was almost as though you could see the burden he was carrying on his shoulders, the pressure that was pushing him in every direction.

I have to fix this, you told yourself, you couldn’t stand to see them like this, I have to try.  

Your mind was roaring with thoughts, you hadn’t even noticed that Sam and Bucky had left until Raynor asked, “What would be in your miracle, Y/N?”

You snapped your head towards her, then to the door, you weighed your options and headed towards the latter. You grabbed the handle and stopped, without turning towards her you whispered, “I’d find a home again, and they’d find some happiness.”

You pulled the door open, “Y/N, I don’t think those two things have to be separate.”

Her words swam in your head until you found Bucky and Sam walking outside, Walker and Hoskins storming off in the other direction.

“What’s that all about?”

“Walker being Walker,” Sam shrugged.

“So, what now?”

“Bucky wants to talk to Zemo,” Every memory that you spent years trying to forget came flooding back: Zemo using those words to turn Bucky into the Winter Soldier, who then proceeded to trash the compound and nearly kill you and your friends; watching your family fight each other at the airport and being forced to pick a side; watching the footage of your parents dying; desperately begging your brother and the man who had become your brother not to kill one another.

“You what?!” You gasped.

“Y/N –”

You stepped between the two of them, close enough to Bucky that you had to tilt your head up to look into his eyes, and whispered, “Bucky, no.”

“This might be our only lead, Y/N,” You stared up at him, silently pleading him, he reflected the same in his own, “Please Y/N.”

He took your hand and you instantly melted, “I – fine, but promise me you will be careful.”

“I promise.”

End. 

Read Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 and Part 6

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[simsadventures]

Not Me: Chapter 2: Domestic Bliss

Summary: You throw a party at your house, and while on the outside you look like the perfect couple, the reality is quite different. Especially after you learn about another shocking truth. But Bucky seems to be shocked as well.

Warnings: angst, pretending, infidelity, hint of jealousy, swearing, betrayal, weight loss

Pairing: CEO!Bucky Barnes x wife!Reader

Word Count: 2555

A/N: I promise, all will be explained in a short time. What did we all think? Bucky is an ass, that’s for sure, but maybe there’s something behind his behaviour… who knows? XD FEEDBACK is gold, so please, let me know if you like it, or what was your favourite part :) xx

Series Masterlist __ Masterlist

< Previous Chapter

You looked at yourself in the mirror and sighed. Where there used to be a happy, confident woman, was now standing an unsure being without shape or form. You always loved the way your boobs looked, having been one of the lucky girls to have their breasts just the right size and shape without undergoing surgery. But since you lost more than 20 pounds over the last year, your boobs all but disappeared.

So did the glow your skin used to have once. You were dull now, and if it weren’t for your hairdresser who tried to keep your hair shiny and healthy-looking, you bet you would like a walking dead. But no matter how much weight you lost, James didn’t seem to care.

It was pathetic to even try in the first place, because he would always mumble something like you’re not gonna get me, and would walk away, leaving you confused and hurt. You thought that maybe he thought you weren’t representative enough for him, so you tried to lose weight. But nothing happened because you were just the right amount of weight.

It came only with the constant heartbreak that you finally lost your appetite, and the pounds started to disappear from the scale.

You shrugged in the mirror and applied another layer of red lipstick to your lips and plastered a fake smile on your face. This would be a long night, you thought to yourself, as you descended the stairs leading to your formal room, aka the torture room, as you liked to call it.

It was there that most of the parties and meeting happened, and because it was your turn to host one of the Y/L/N family parties, you couldn’t even protest. Your whole family would be there, and so was James’.

After what your father told you that day, and the way he’s been acting towards you ever since then, you weren’t looking forward to seeing him. Nevertheless, you couldn’t wait to see two of your three brothers. Not that you wouldn’t see them almost every month, it being your only outlet and your flight towards safety, but their faces and goofy acts always made you smile.

When you saw your oldest brother, Max, you actually smiled at him, and you had to tell yourself not to rush too fast towards him, because it would actually look like you weren’t happy in your current position. The hostess of the party. Ugh!

 You made sure that the caterers brought everything they should and that your home decorator came soon in the morning to put things in their places, but other than that, you couldn’t care less. It was just for a show, just like every other aspect of your life, apparently.

Max waved at you, and you came close enough to squeeze his hand affectionately. He looked you up and down and frowned, but didn’t say anything, being the polite one of the four of you. You wanted to say something, but then you felt somebody hauling you up from your feet and you screamed, not being able to contain yourself.

When you heard a huron laugh from behind you, you let out a chuckle and tapped his hand, signalling that he should let you down. It was the other brother, two years older than you, Thomas.

While Max was a cardio surgeon, Thomas was in the Army. He only recently got sent home from Afghanistan, and you couldn’t get enough of him, missing him like crazy over the past 7 months while he was on a mission.

“I swear to God, you’re lighter and lighter every time I see you, cheerio! You’re almost translucent, what the fuck is going on, huh?”

You just shook your head and put your fake smile on to calm him down so that he wouldn’t make a scene. Your father and James would eat you alive if somebody caused a scene and you wouldn’t be able to shush them appropriately.

“It’s this new diet I’m on, Tom! I thought I looked marvellous so thank you for bursting my little bubble,” you said playfully, hoping that neither of your brothers would see through you. But who were you kidding? You grew up with them, and you were their little sister, of course, they wouldn’t trust you just like that.

They both exchanged looks that said, right but didn’t press the matter for which you were extremely thankful. You looked around the room to see where your husband was, trying to keep up the appearances at least for a while, but you couldn’t find him anywhere. You shrugged and hoped he’d come as soon as possible, because you could see your father’s prying eyes on you, and you didn’t want to give him another reason to scold you.

To get your mind off of things, you looked for your nieces and nephews, Max’s children, so that nobody would ask you unnecessary questions and you could enjoy some time with your family before you had to go and speak with your father. You couldn’t find your mom anywhere, and you could bet she was outside having a cigarette, or 10. It was her outlet in this crazy world, and although you used to give her lectures, you totally got why she started this horrible habit. It even crossed your own mind a few times.

The little ones were having fun on the veranda, and after you greeted their mother, Felicia, you sat on your heels to let the little ones tell you all they needed.

“And auntie Y/N, why is grass green?” “Y/N, I have a boyfriend, his name is Joshua!”

You listened to the 4-year old asking question over his sister’s telling you about her kindergarten’s love, and you smiled to yourself. You loved the two of them, just as much as you loved the two babes in Felicia’s arms. One-year-old twins. Four children were apparently a lot to take in and to take care of, but Felicia was a pro, and you admired her for her patience with your brother because he sometimes acted worse than those kids.

“Shouldn’t you be in there, entertaining your guests with your husband?” You heard your father’s stern voice from behind you, and the hair on your neck stood up. You clenched your jaw, gave Felicia an apologetic smile and went back inside, without as much as looking at your father.

He didn’t like that too much, so he grabbed you by your upper arm, squeezing so much you could feel the blood draining from the limb.

“Don’t you give me this treatment, young lady. How about you put a smile on that pretty face of yours and stop being so sour, huh? Wouldn’t kill you to be pleasant for a day!”

You blinked away the tears welling in your eyes, nodded absentmindedly, which made him release your arm. You looked around the room once more, looking for James, when you saw him leaving one of the guest rooms on the floor ground. You sighed and put on a smile, which fell as soon as you saw another person leaving the room behind James. Her red hair seemed to be the only thing you saw, and you had to try really hard not to vomit at the sight.

It was one of your bridesmaids and great friends (sure), Natasha. They both looked like they either went through a tornado or they fucked each other’s souls out, and your heart fell.

Not only was he making your life a living hell, but he also fucked one of your friends? That was just perfect. You knew that if you saw him, you weren’t the only one, and sure enough, your father made his presence known again

“You can’t even keep a man? Pf, I thought at least that pussy of yours was for something, but I guess I was wrong,” he said mockingly and left you standing there, feeling like you stood under a cold shower.

James turned around the room, greeted a few people he missed due to his escapades before his eyes landed on you. You wanted to yell at him, wanted to throw stuff at him for doing this to you. Why he married you in the first place, you didn’t understand. You didn’t give him even a small smile as you walked towards him, and, for a second, he looked like a deer caught in headlights. That soon passed, and his typical scowl replaced the shock on his face.

When you reached him, and he snaked his arm your waist (which cause you to shudder in disgust, to be quite frank), you leaned in, and with a smile for the other guests of the party, you whispered to his ear,

“You could have at least each left the room in a different time. And you could have made sure you didn’t look like you just fucked one of my best friends, but maybe that’s just me, dear,” you hissed the last part of the sentence as you looked deep into his eyes and without as much as another thought left him standing there, and went to your brothers again.

Not that you wanted to talk to them about it, but you saw the looks on their faces, and you knew they saw the whole thing, from Bucky leaving the room with Natasha to you talking to him. And the looks on their faces were very close to two people ready to murder somebody, so you tried to go and calm them both down. You were just lucky your twin, Adam, wasn’t there, because he would definitely have already acted. And it wouldn’t be nice considering he was an MMA fighter.

“Is he fucking kidding me? I’m going to kill him, Y/N. Like seriously, it will take me one good measured punch, and he’s down,” Tom said, seething, and you patted his shoulder, keeping your fake smile on your lips.

“Don’t. Please, Tom, Max. Suits me for thinking he could actually love me. Let’s just forget about it and act as if nothing happened, can we?”

“Is that the reason you looked the way you do? For fuck’s sake, Y/N. That idiot’s been killing you for over a year, and now he’ll sleep with your friend, to top it all? Has he been beating you too? That why you have the forming bruise on your arm?” Max asked, his temper showing as well.

You looked down to your bare arm and saw that Max was right indeed. There was a bruise already kind of blue from where your father grabbed you minutes ago.

“It’s not like that, I promise. James hasn’t laid his arms on me, I swear. It’s from a pleasant conversation I had with dad a while ago,” you added, knowing that there was nothing your brothers could do about your despotic father.

They were both red from anger, and you didn’t blame them. If somebody treated your brothers the way James treated you, you’d probably tear them to pieces. Or, at least, the old you would. You didn’t know yourself anymore. This meek wife, trying to do as her father and her husband tell her. You were disgusted by yourself but couldn’t see a way out.

Somebody touched your arm, and from the surprised looks on your brothers’ faces, you knew exactly who it was. The fucking audacity of that woman.

“Natasha, to what do I owe the pleasure?” You asked her, so mockingly, you were actually surprised at yourself.

She looked taken aback, but she still laughed freely.

“What? Can’t I come and as hi to my dear friend?”

It was your turn to laugh in her face.

“Aaah. So I guess that’s what you’ve been doing in one of my guest rooms with my husband, then? Saying hi to him? You guys have some special secret handshake? Or did you fuck him after you exchanged pleasantries?”

She looked terrified, and before you could say more, or before she could start stuttering some lame excuse, you felt a hand on your hip, and from the unpleasant reaction of your body, you knew it was your husband. This was hilarious. His wife and mistress talking, and he just casually strode in.

“May I speak with you, Y/N?” James hissed into your ear, and you stabbed Natasha one last time with your eyes before you let James pull you away from the party into the kitchen.

You couldn’t even look at him, you thought you’d vomit if you did.

“What the fuck is your problem, huh? You’ve got everything you wanted, the house, the marriage, the prestige, everything. What more do you want from me?” He said, raising his voice, and you finally turned around to face him, your brows furrowed in disbelief.

“What? What are you talking about, James? You think I asked for any of this? For the hell my life is right now? Oh so great, I’m married to one of the sexiest CEO on the planet, good for me. But guess, what. I never asked for any of this. All I wanted was to take over the publishing part of the company, live in my little apartment, and maybe, maybe fall in love one day with a nice guy who would treat me right.

Did I think it could be you, for a while? Sure, but don’t worry. I don’t anymore. You asked me to marry you. I don’t know what you’re playing at, but at least I try to make this marriage work and don’t go fucking your best friends behind your back. But I guess I ask too much of you, don’t I? Well, excuse me, your excellence. I did everything you told me to. I stopped speaking up, I started cooking like crazy, wearing make-up all the damn time, wearing clothes like I was part of the Gossip Girl extras, just because you told me to. But I will never be good enough for you, will I? I don’t know what you want from me, James, I really don’t, but if we don’t go back to the party now, people will start asking questions we don’t have answers to,” you said, fighting the tears threatening to leave your eyes.

Bucky was watching your, his expression somewhere between surprise and anger. He looked at you, obviously wanting to continue fighting with you before something caught his attention.

“What the fuck is that on your arm?”

You scoffed and walked around him to leave the kitchen.

“Oh, now you care? Please, give me a break. I don’t know what your motives were to marry me if you wanted the whole company to yourself and had a deal with my father or something, but please, stop acting like you are the worried husband, ok? Let’s just get this party over with, and then you won’t have to look at me for weeks, just the way you like it,” you said with a fake smile (Bucky knew that much, that was definitely not a real smile of yours), and left the kitchen, not caring if he followed you or not.

He just stood there, confused and with more questions than with how many he initially came into the kitchen.

/Next Chapter >

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[queenofthearchitect]

New diet

A/N: just had this idea so yeah I have 6 more fics in my draft box. So yay. Btw I finished this at 4:46 am so sorry if there are mistakes cause yikes.

Warnings: cussing, fluff.

I’m tagging: @the-beastslayers-queen @xprincessofthefallenangels @instantbouquetdestinysblog @dirtywrestling

Please enjoy 🧚🏼‍♀️

I looked at Roman and smile Roman come on I’m hungry, he smile at me and kisses my cheek “Audrey your always hungry.” I gasped and slapped his arm “I can’t help it you wanted to start a diet.” He chuckled at me “now baby girl you know I only did it so we could stay in shape for our job.” *i rolled my eyes at him I groaned* “why are you punishing me, I love Taco Bell and now your telling me I can only eat it once every two weeks.” He rubbed my cheek “now baby girl you know it’s for the best.”

I pouted “for who you or me?” He frowned Audrey you’re being dramatic.” I looked st him and gasped dramatically “me dramtic never, I can’t believe you said that.” He rolled his eyes at me and sighed “Adurey we are doing the diet together and thats final.” I mumbled to myself “yeah that’s what you think.” He raised an eyebrow at me “what did you say?” I smiled quickly at him “nothing.”

Roman has slowly wingged me off Taco Bell and I’ve lost ten pounds and Roman was right but I wasn’t going to tell him that, but I’m literally dying I want a steak quesorito so bad or anything from Taco Bell really. I was walking to catering and I saw Seth and bayley and I went and sat down when I looked at Seth he was eating a Mexican pizza from Taco Bell. Seth looked at me and so did bayley but bayley was the first to speak up “hey Audrey are you okay.” I look at her and I smile. “Of course I am why wouldn’t I be?” Now it was Seth’s turn to speak up.

“Because you’re basically eye fucking my food.” I let out a sigh and I put my head on the table, Bayley put her hand on my back “come on Audrey you can tell us.” I raised my face off the table and I looked at them both “this new diet Roman has us on is killing me, I mean I haven’t at any fast food in the month when we go out to diners we have to get grilled stuff.” seth gave me a sympathetic smile “well don’t expect me to give you my Mexican pizza cause Roman would kill me.” I smiled at him “I wouldn’t ask you Seth, but you guys might not wanna be around us tonight.”

They both raised their eyebrows at me “Audrey what do you have up your sleeve?” Bayley look at me and got my attention, I smirked and let out a laugh “I’m going to tell Mr. Big dog I’m eating Taco Bell if he likes it or not.” Seth looked at me “are you sure adurey? cause um he’s pretty stubborn.” I looked at Seth and nodded my head “of course I’m sure I’m his girlfriend what’s the worse he can do it’s just a little cheat day, plus I don’t have a match he does and I’ll go get a nice quesorito and y’all keep him busy.”

They both looked at each other and shook their heads and I let out a groan “come on all I do for you guys and y’all can’t even do this one little favor for me.” Bayley looked at Seth “Not it.” Bayley said and she got up and left Seth and I, “oh come on bayley that’s not fair.” Seth called out to Bayley and she turned and smirked “he’s your best friend so you do it.” With that she left the room and I looked at Seth, he let out a sigh “fine Audrey but you owe me big time.”

I got really excited an bounced up and down in my chair “oh Seth thank you so much.” He put his and up “yeah, yeah just go and make it quick I don’t know how long I can stall the big guy when he’s determined to go somewhere he will get to his destination.” I rolled my eyes “okay seth I get it I’ll run to my locker room and get my keys and I’ll be right back just stall him for at least 10 minutes.” He sighed “okay let me finish eating and I will go stall him.” I got up and quickly ran to my locker room and got my keys and I was off to Taco Bell.

About 20 minutes later I arrived at the arena and I had to go through security and they had to ID me, I checked my phone and I had 10 missed calles and 5 text messages and none of them worried me besides two things one was a miss call and it said Casanova and my stomach dropped and I scrolled through the text messages and the last one seth sent me was he knows. I quickly checked my message from Roman all it said was I’m disappointed in you.

I was Regretting ever going to Taco Bell but I mean this whole diet was stupid, I stood outside romans locker room and I walked in and there he was sitting on a bench when he heard the door open his head snapped up and he looked at me so I just acted like nothing was wrong. “H-hey babe.” I gave him a warm smile and when he didn’t return it I knew he was upset. “Babe why didn’t you just ask me I wouldn’t have cared.” I didn’t know what to say and I looked at the floor and I shrugged “oh you know why so spill it.”I gulped and I looked at him and I let out a long sigh.

“look I understand you wanna be in the best shape you can be but that doesn’t mean I have to stop eating stuff I want I mean for god sake I spend most of my time in the gym.” He looked at me “babe I’m not even mad at the fact you ate Taco Bell it’s the fact you didn’t communicate with me, all you had to say to me was hey babe I’m going to get Taco Bell but you had Seth try and stall me.” I looked at him “how did you know I put him up to it?” He let out a chuckle “because as soon as I saw him he was like hey so how’s Audrey taking the diet and I knew right then what was going on.”

I facepalmed infront of him “I swear seth is dead when I see him.” He smiled at me “babe I want you to talk to me about stuff that’s was the point of me saying no Taco Bell.” My mouth hung open “so all of this was just to see if I would tell you I was going to get Taco Bell.” He nodded his head “yes but no I didn’t need to get into shape with the food you cook at home made me get all puggy.” He suck his lower lip put and I walk over and I kissed his lips “awe babe im sorry my momma taught me how to cook with love.” I smiled at him and he let out a laugh and kissed my lips “I know but just promise me next time you will talk to me.” I smile at him and kissed his beard “I promise.” He smiled at me “good cause this new diet is still happening.” I groaned and he laugh and kissed me “I love you baby girl.” I kissed him back “love you too baby.”

A/N: thanks for reading I hope y’all liked it I loved writing it mores coming so yay. Keep this in mind I wrote this at 4:46 am so sorry for the mistakes lol.

[absolutelynot]

All the things I’d say to my FUCK ASS ex who won’t let me live in PEACE

Idk what you expect every time you text or call me. They all go unanswered and it’s not because I somehow have missed them all. I go out of my way to make sure your friends know you’re not invited to places I’ll be, I don’t speak to you, I have you blocked everywhere. Not only do I have you blocked, I’ve asked my friends to block you every time you’ve tried to follow them (and your attempts to keep track of me by following my friends- PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW don’t go unnoticed you weirdo) and you don’t get the message somehow!!

 You FUCKED me up for two and a half years emotionally because you knew I’d always stick around for you. Of the 3 times I can list where I got the courage to tell you off you still managed to make it seem like I owed you more time and attention and love and I gave into it every single time. Remember that time I packed up all the things I had at your house and you got on your knees and begged me with tears in your eyes to stay? And how two days later you told me you needed a break from me? And EVERY time I told you you were overstepping and being too mean to me you would turn it around and make yourself the victim! 

When I was tired of waiting on you to mend us I had to wait for 6 months until YOU brought up breaking up. You always did bring it up eventually. We were on and off so many times and I always fought for us because I wanted you to see I was serious!! I was there!!! but instead of taking it as a sign that someone genuinely cared for you you dangled my loyalty in my face and threatened to break up with me if I was too much of an inconvenience. I can’t even say how many times I was too embarrassed to tell people we were “off again” because I knew I was just waiting on your call. 

There were moments when your depression wasn’t sucking all the life out of you and you didn’t need me to depends on and in those moments you wouldn’t call me your girlfriend- we were just two people “enjoying each other’s company”. Can you imagine how that felt? 

At the end of our relationship I was developing REALLY bad anxiety and seeking therapy and you LAUGHED and said “man you’re messed up they’re really gonna drug you up” and called me crazy. I was the one person you depended on emotionally for two years (something that shouldn’t be asked of of a 18-20 year old, you ass) and when I needed the same support you decided it was too much that I was too much. That’s the worse thing you ever did to me. 

Did you know when we broke up I lost my appetite for a year? I lost 10 pounds. I was lucky if I could eat half a meal before needed to throw it all up. My mom and friends were concerned and I was embarrassed to eat in public because I knew I’d end up throwing a whole meal away and people notice that sort of thing you know. 

6 months after we broke up I was telling a friend everything I’d been through with you and it wasn’t until that moment that it was brought to my attention that getting yelled at in a relationship wasn’t normal. I literally didn’t know that. That was my normalcy. 

You constantly berated me and threw all my faults in my face. 

I remember once you sat me down and went through a list of all the people I spoke to daily and explained why none of them were my friends the way I thought they were. Why did you do that? What’s wrong with you?

You used to talk about your sisters and your mother with so much disgust in your voice and that alone should have been enough to tell me to run the other way. 

Now let me get to my final point

How. Dare. You. Text me alluding to suicidal thoughts. How dare you. How dare you apologize in the same message. That’s not an apology you coward. Say it to my face- HELL say it PUBLICLY because I’m owed more than a 3 sentence text. How dare you make me responsible for your well being after all this time? I will not respond because you don’t deserve me or my care or my attention AND I AM NOT NOW NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU, YOUR EMOTIONAL AND OR MENTAL WELL BEING, AND YOU’RE SHITTY FOR FORCING ME TO CARE. You FORCED me to care last night. I know you’re not bluffing- you’ve tried before and I was there for it. I know damn well had I not acted on your message last night I would never forgive myself had something happened to you and it would be my responsibility. You knew that. And don’t you dare have me be your last message either that’s so twisted!!! It’s not poetic or romantic and I want ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. TO DO WITH IT. 

I sent a friend for you and I hope you get help but for God’s sake if you mean it when you say you’re sorry for all the shit you did you’ll let me live my life far far away from you. 

[httpsterr]

ALL THE THINGS I’D SAY TO MY FUCK ASS EX WHO WON’T LET ME LIVE IN PEACE

Idk what you expect every time you text or call me. They all go unanswered and it’s not because I somehow have missed them all. I go out of my way to make sure your friends know you’re not invited to places I’ll be, I don’t speak to you, I have you blocked everywhere. Not only do I have you blocked, I’ve asked my friends to block you every time you’ve tried to follow them (and your attempts to keep track of me by following my friends- PEOPLE YOU DON’T KNOW don’t go unnoticed you weirdo) and you don’t get the message somehow!!

You FUCKED me up for two and a half years emotionally because you knew I’d always stick around for you. Of the 3 times I can list where I got the courage to tell you off you still managed to make it seem like I owed you more time and attention and love and I gave into it every single time. Remember that time I packed up all the things I had at your house and you got on your knees and begged me with tears in your eyes to stay? And how two days later you told me you needed a break from me? And EVERY time I told you you were overstepping and being too mean to me you would turn it around and make yourself the victim!

When I was tired of waiting on you to mend us I had to wait for 6 months until YOU brought up breaking up. You always did bring it up eventually. We were on and off so many times and I always fought for us because I wanted you to see I was serious!! I was there!!! but instead of taking it as a sign that someone genuinely cared for you you dangled my loyalty in my face and threatened to break up with me if I was too much of an inconvenience. I can’t even say how many times I was too embarrassed to tell people we were “off again” because I knew I was just waiting on your call.

There were moments when your depression wasn’t sucking all the life out of you and you didn’t need me to depends on and in those moments you wouldn’t call me your girlfriend- we were just two people “enjoying each other’s company”. Can you imagine how that felt?

At the end of our relationship I was developing REALLY bad anxiety and seeking therapy and you LAUGHED and said “man you’re messed up they’re really gonna drug you up” and called me crazy. I was the one person you depended on emotionally for two years (something that shouldn’t be asked of of a 18-20 year old, you ass) and when I needed the same support you decided it was too much that I was too much. That’s the worse thing you ever did to me.

Did you know when we broke up I lost my appetite for a year? I lost 10 pounds. I was lucky if I could eat half a meal before needed to throw it all up. My mom and friends were concerned and I was embarrassed to eat in public because I knew I’d end up throwing a whole meal away and people notice that sort of thing you know.

6 months after we broke up I was telling a friend everything I’d been through with you and it wasn’t until that moment that it was brought to my attention that getting yelled at in a relationship wasn’t normal. I literally didn’t know that. That was my normalcy.

You constantly berated me and threw all my faults in my face.

I remember once you sat me down and went through a list of all the people I spoke to daily and explained why none of them were my friends the way I thought they were. Why did you do that? What’s wrong with you?

You used to talk about your sisters and your mother with so much disgust in your voice and that alone should have been enough to tell me to run the other way.

Now let me get to my final point

How. Dare. You. Text me alluding to suicidal thoughts. How dare you. How dare you apologize in the same message. That’s not an apology you coward. Say it to my face- HELL say it PUBLICLY because I’m owed more than a 3 sentence text. How dare you make me responsible for your well being after all this time? I will not respond because you don’t deserve me or my care or my attention AND I AM NOT NOW NOR HAVE I EVER BEEN RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU, YOUR EMOTIONAL AND OR MENTAL WELL BEING, AND YOU’RE SHITTY FOR FORCING ME TO CARE. You FORCED me to care last night. I know you’re not bluffing- you’ve tried before and I was there for it. I know damn well had I not acted on your message last night I would never forgive myself had something happened to you and it would be my responsibility. You knew that. And don’t you dare have me be your last message either that’s so twisted!!! It’s not poetic or romantic and I want ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. TO DO WITH IT.

I sent a friend for you and I hope you get help but for God’s sake if you mean it when you say you’re sorry for all the shit you did you’ll let me live my life far far away from you.

[tappity-tap]

FOREVER BElonging WITH YOU

PART IV - THE ISSUE

<< PART III || PART V >> Story Rating: M Chapter Warnings: Some sexual content, medical stuff, and illness. [This chapter has a little nsfw bit at the beginning but is otherwise sfw]

Nearly a month had passed since he and Rukia were officially confirmed as a married couple, and for Renji life had never been better.

 Waking up next to Rukia the morning after their wedding ceremony almost made him question the reality of it all. Not that this was the first time he’d woken up next to her…they slept side-by-side almost every night when they lived in the Rukongai, even huddled together under the same blankets on the nights the temperatures dropped below freezing.

 But they’d never woken up next to each other like this, naked and disheveled within their bed linens after spending the night joined together in a passionate physical affirmation of their love, until that day. Watching the sleeping form of his wife stir and give a peaceful sigh felt like a wonderful dream, and even more so when she opened her eyes and kissed him with a smile before they made love again in the glow of dawn.

 If this were a dream, he thought, holding her close while she softly moaned his name, he’d gladly remain asleep for the rest of time.

 He was still riding high on a heightened state of euphoria when he came back to work the following week and it was enough to endure the constant barrage of waggling eyebrows and sniggering comments directed at him, the most popular choice being the question of how Captain Kuchiki felt “now that his lieutenant was shacking up with his little sister.”  Whenever the topic came about, Renji would give a shrug and reply “Can’t say. Why dontcha ask him?”

 That usually shut them up.

 Speaking of the captain, being his superior’s brother-in-law was actually going better than anticipated. Even after the marriage was registered two weeks before the wedding their working relationship stayed pretty much the same as ever, though Renji did notice Byakuya now tended to shed a little more of his aloof persona once the door of the office closed and no one else was around to see. It wasn’t much but he would take it over nothing at all. That, and they saw more of each other outside the workplace.

 While Byakuya’s company wasn’t entirely unpleasant, it was the company of another that Renji truly yearned for, but as they were enlisted in different divisions they didn’t see each other much. He missed Rukia terribly during the days he was on duty and frequently found his thoughts turning to her, wondering things like what was she doing at the moment? Was she thinking about him, too? Should he seek her out during their lunch break? Maybe leave work early to pick her up and take her out to a nice (albeit budget-friendly) dinner? What should they plan on doing tomorrow for their day off? Train together?

 But then there were those other thoughts he had to quickly suppress before anyone noticed the hue of his face was coming dangerously close to matching that of his hair.

 It wasn’t that Renji only saw her in that way now, no, not at all.  It was more the newness of actually getting to explore this different facet of intimacy in their relationship after an eternity of celibacy that had him thinking about it more than he’d care to admit to anyone else.

 Once she was used to navigating the vast difference in their sizes, Rukia’s proficiency in the bedroom had quickly flourished. Soon their activities moved out of the bed and onto other places, like the floor. Or the wall. Or the bathtub (that, as it turned out, did indeed comfortably fit two people).

 And there was that one time their evening had started with making dinner together but ended with Rukia flung over the table screaming for more as he grasped her hips and furiously pounded her from behind.

 “Oh god, harder, Renji! Fuck me HARDER! YES! YES!” She threw her head back and moaned louder with each powerful thrust, even giving a cry of delight when he finally gave in to her multiple demands and planted a few quick open palm slaps on her ass. He was glad he relented on that one. The faint red marks they left behind were pretty hot for sure, but honestly, it would’ve been unfair of him to deny the birthday girl her special request.

 Renji eventually lost count of how many times he made her come that night (it was a lot) but he did at least learn she liked when he twisted his fingers through her hair and pulled her head back to kiss her, and if he bit down on just the right spot near the base of her neck as she was about to climax he could make her orgasm last nearly twice as long. Rukia learned how embarrassingly easy it was for her husband to become fully aroused and insatiably horny if she handled cucumbers a certain way.

 “Is something the matter, Renji?”

 “Ah NO! Not at all, Captain! All good here!” Renji cheerfully shuffled the papers in his hands and put on what he hoped wasn’t a grin that said “I was just thinking about how much your sister enjoys it when we get rough.”

 Byakuya’s eyebrow quirked up slightly but he said nothing else and went back to his forms.

 They continued their work in silence until a series of frantic knocks sounded on the office door, followed closely by an equally frantic, but still professional, voice. “Excuse me, Lieutenant Abarai! Captain Kuchiki! I have an urgent message from the 4th Division!”

 Renji froze. 4th Division messages like this only came if one of their subordinates had sustained critical or life-threatening injuries. A few deaths had even been reported to him during his tenure as lieutenant. He tried to rack his brain for any current dangerous missions that involved members of their division but came up empty.

 Byakuya glanced at him, then back at the door. “Enter.”

 The door opened and a young Shinigami with silvery blonde curls and tortoise shell glasses darted in. She knelt on the floor and proceeded to read from an unfurled scroll in her hands.

“From Captain Kotetsu Isane of the 4th Division: This dispatch is to inform Lieutenant Abarai Renji and Captain Kuchiki Byakuya of the 6th Division that Lieutenant Kuchiki Rukia, acting captain of the 13th Division, has been admitted to the our medical facilities for treatment of injuries sustained during morning training exercises-”

 The papers scattered noisily. Renji’s stomach lurched and he leapt to his feet with a roar, “WHAT? RUKIA? IS SHE ALRIGHT? WHAT HAPPENED?”

 He’d practically blown his voice with that outburst and his knuckles turned white and numb from how hard he gripped the edge of his desk but he didn’t care. If something bad happened to her…he couldn’t even finish that thought.

 The messenger flinched and nearly dropped her scroll. “I-I’m sorry, Lieutenant Abarai, I do not know the details of what happened.” She cleared her throat and finished relaying the memo to them in summary, “Lieutenant Kuchiki is in stable condition and we can confidently say her life is not in any danger. However, the captain detected some abnormalities in her reiatsu that made her very concerned. She is running tests as we speak.”

 There was some relief that came with knowing she wasn’t in a life-or-death state, but Renji still felt like he was going to simultaneously throw up and pass out from worry. His rapidly weakening legs may have very well given out from under him had a hand not reached out and firmly grasped his shoulder to steady him. Renji whipped his head around, startled.

 Byakuya’s expression was blank but Renji knew his captain was silently telling him to pull himself together, for both his sake and Rukia’s. He gave a terse nod once Renji managed to suppress most of the shaking. “Go. I will finish things here and meet you later.”

 Though he’d regained enough command over his major motor functions to keep himself upright, Renji’s voice still faltered. “Thank you, Captain,” he choked out, his tongue dry and stuck to the roof of his mouth. Byakuya’s grip briefly flexed in imitation of a reassuring squeeze before letting go.

Renji skirted around his desk, all the while yanking off his lieutenant badge and stuffing it inside his uniform since he was technically now off-duty. Thanks to a new law enacted shortly after the war with the Quincies, any Shinigami attending to an immediate family emergency was automatically relieved from their post, though because so few of them even had immediate families this regulation had seldom been invoked since its conception.

 The messenger scrambled to her feet and followed as he brushed past with a clipped “Let’s go.” She managed to stay even with his hastened stride until they got outside where she was swiftly left in the dust of his shunpo.

 Thanks to the extraordinary speed he’d developed from years of dedicated training, it took less than 20 seconds for him to make the journey to the 4th Division’s campus entrance, though he probably could’ve done it in half that time had it not been for his preoccupied thoughts siphoning away at his concentration. In terms of speed among the current group of higher ranked officers of the Gotei 13 Renji was confident he most likely fell within the top five. He couldn’t say this with absolute certainty, however, as he’d never had the opportunity to confirm if anyone besides Captain Soi Fon and his own captain could outpace him. Rankings accuracy aside, he was among the elite Shinigami who were regarded as “exceptionally fast.”

 So, understandably, he was amazed when the girl materialized next to him before he could even attempt to catch his breath. Even in the midst of such a critical situation the drill instructor side of him couldn’t help but be impressed whenever a young recruit showed promising talent.

 “You’re pretty quick,” he commented approvingly as she moved to unlatch the gate.

 She blinked up at him in surprise. “Ah…thank you, sir! It’s an honor to hear that from a ranked officer of your caliber!” Her bespectacled eyes shone with admiration.

 “Yeah,” Renji responded absently, now filling with an uneasy dread as the door groaned open.

 She beamed at him as they hurried inside and made haste towards the main medical building. “Don’t worry, Lieutenant Abarai! Lieutenant Kuchiki is in good hands. I’m sure she’s going to be fine!”

 “Yeah,” he repeated with even less certainty than before.

 By the time she dropped him off at the front entrance Renji was so on edge he barreled through the doors as nothing more than a black and red blur and charged straight past the terrified 4th Division staffers without a word. He didn’t bother stopping at the reception desk to ask which room Rukia was in. Not that it was necessary since he could just seek her out by reiatsu, anyway, and it didn’t take him long to pinpoint her location. With a little more focus, he was even able to pick up on the anomalies the messenger had mentioned.

 He immediately understood why Captain Kotetsu had been worried; he’d never felt anything like that from Rukia’s spiritual pressure before, or anyone else’s for that matter. It was definitely hers but at the same time, somehow, it wasn’t, as if someone was constantly adjusting a radio tuning dial so while the output and volume were the same, the frequencies were crossing and fading in and out. At one point, just for a split second, he even thought he felt a flicker that resembled his own reiatsu, though that was probably just his imagination playing tricks on his frantic brain.

 The door to her room had been left ajar so he slipped inside without a sound and almost collapsed from relief at the sight that greeted him. Next to the window Rukia lay in bed propped up by a fluffy white pillow, inert but fully conscious. The outer layer of her uniform had been removed and placed neatly folded on a chair in the corner. With her hands haphazardly draped across her lap and her head bowed, she painted the perfect picture of a droopy wilting plant until she sensed his presence and perked up instantly.

 “Oh, Renji. You’re here.” She gave a weary smile and automatically reached out to him.

 “Rukia,” his voiced cracked as he knelt by the bed and grasped her small hand in his,  “are ya hurt? What happened?” Trying his best to remain calm, he did a quick visual once-over. There weren’t any visible cuts or bruises on her skin nor was any part of her wrapped in bandages or covered in gauze. She did appear slightly paler than usual but as far as he could tell she was uninjured.

 Rukia bit her lip. “I must have over-exerted myself during training,” she admitted reluctantly. Seeing his eyes widen, she quickly added, “Don’t worry, Renji, I’m alright. Just tired. And nauseous.”

 His heart ached for her. Employing the only method he could think to help her feel better, he lifted her slender hand to his lips. Each knuckle in turn was garnished with a sympathetic kiss. “You got sick?” he murmured into the back of her palm.

 A soft finger stroking over his cheek let him know his sentiments had been received. “Once on the field and twice after coming here,” Rukia grimaced,  “but it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t feel like eating this morning, thankfully.”

 Renji was about to gently scold her for skipping breakfast when the cracked door flew wide open. Their joined hands dropped back onto the bed as the 4th Division’s lieutenant, Kotetsu Kiyone, waltzed in.  Kiyone happened to be the former co-3rd seat of the 13th Division, serving as Rukia’s superior at first, then later her subordinate when she received the promotion to lieutenant. They remained friends even after Kiyone’s transfer to the 4th to serve under her older sister, Captain Kotetsu Isane.

 “Kotetsu-dono!” Caught off guard as she was, Rukia looked genuinely pleased to see her and made to sit up straight.

 Kiyone waved a hand to signal that wasn’t necessary. “Kuchiki-san! How are you feeling?” she asked in an overly chipper tone that gave Renji the odd feeling something was going on that he wasn’t privy to.

 “Um…better. I still feel queasy though,” Rukia informed her.

 “Oh, yes. That’s to be expected.” Kiyone bounced around on the balls of her feet, looking back and forth between Renji and Rukia eagerly.

 Something was definitely up. Renji raised one eyebrow at her. “You look…happy.”

 “Mmhmm!” Kiyone clasped her gloved hands together and beamed as Captain Kotetsu entered the room and stood beside her sister. In her arms she held a clipboard, which she gave a quick once-over before greeting them warmly.

 “Abarai. Kuchiki.”

 They nodded respectfully as best they could given their current positions. “Captain.”

 “Well.” The captain lowered her clipboard. “The good news is, this is not an illness.”

 “So she’s fine? This’ll go away soon?” Renji demanded.

 Instead of giving him a straight affirmative answer, Captain Kotetsu looked to the side and drew in a deep breath. “Not…exactly,” she smiled, more to herself than them, “I’m afraid this will be very long-term.”

 Next to her, Kiyone was practically vibrating.

 Renji was thoroughly confused by everything that was currently going on around him. “Uh…Captain…I don’t understand…if she’s not sick…’an hang on, waddaya mean ‘long-term’?” he fumbled through each stilted question to the captain with a strained frown. Talking clearly while attempting to rationalize why the heads of the 4th Division were acting in such a bizarre manner was far more difficult than it looked.

 At that point, the suspense was too much for Kiyone to take anymore. With a squeak of excitement, she threw her hands up in the air and blurted out at him, “You’re having a baby! Isn’t it wonderful?”

 Rukia’s mouth fell open in shock.

 Renji stared at the gleefully bobbing girl before them. No, that couldn’t be…he was sure he hadn’t heard her right. Desperate to stay grounded in reality, he rubbed his eyes with his free hand and gave a rough clear of his throat. Twice. Then calmly, so he wouldn’t mishear anything this time, he lowered his hand to his knee, took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. “I’m sorry, what…?”

 The hopping faltered momentarily as Kiyone burst out laughing while waving her hand in front of her face. “Oh, I wasn’t very clear was I? Abarai-kun, you’re not having the baby, Kuchiki-san is!” She frowned and tapped her chin. “Hmmm…although I guess that sort of means you are, too, now that I think about it…”

 A bunch of asinine stuttering sounds warbled out of Renji’s gaping mouth. Everything in his vision was going fuzzy and a faint ringing noise started plaguing both ears. His head stiffly cranked itself to the taller of the two blurred shapes in front of him. “C-Captain…?” he croaked at it feebly.

 Captain Kotetsu nodded and stepped in front of Kiyone with a sheepish laugh. “I’m afraid it’s just as she said. Kuchiki is, without a doubt, carrying a child.” She raised her clipboard and produced a thick black pen from somewhere on her person to skim down the top page. “Mm, yes. We did run every test twice to make absolutely sure.  Though I must admit, at first the abnormal patterns to Kuchiki’s reiatsu made me think she might be…”

 Renji tried to listen to what the captain was saying but kept getting distracted by the slight problem of having trouble remembering how to breathe air. Meanwhile, Rukia’s wide violet eyes were steadily growing wider and she looked more and more like she was dangerously close to becoming ill again.

 “…and from what we’ve been able to determine, the fetus was likely conceived shortly before or around the time of your wedding,” Captain Kotetsu rambled on, oblivious to the fact that neither of the people she was addressing had absorbed a single word of what she previously said. The pen tapped several times on the clipboard before she gave them an apologetic glance. “Ah, it would help if you could give specific dates…?

 “Er…d-definitely…not…before…” Renji stammered and he was suddenly too mortified to look anyone in the eye. Rukia’s head thrashed rapidly from side to side in confirmation.

 “Oh, a wedding night baby! How nice.” The captain let out a laugh as silvery as her hair and jotted something down. Behind her, Kiyone flashed them an impressed thumbs up and mouthed Good job!

 For a while, the only sound in the room came from the scratching of Captain Kotetsu’s pen. Renji took the opportunity to glance sidelong at Rukia again. If he thought she looked pale before, she was now a shade whiter than the sheets she clutched to her trembling chin.

 “So…what now?” Renji asked uncertainly once the pen was lifted for good. He was trying his best to keep calm and collected, mainly for Rukia’s sake, but this was getting progressively more difficult as his head spun and his hand numbed from her tightening grip.

 “Well…once she feels better you can take her home. And…we will monitor her condition closely. Have her come in every few weeks or so. Oh, and Kuchiki, please don’t use your zanpakuto for a while or stress your reiatsu too much. Hmm…while you could still lead your division in the administrative sense, you should probably be taken off the active duty roster…” Captain Kotetsu sounded more like she was rattling off vague ideas than relaying a clear set of instructions.

 The couple’s rapidly increasing doubt must have been conveyed in their expressions for she quickly held up her hand in what she clearly thought was a confident gesture. “Now, I don’t want either of you to worry. It has been a while since we’ve dealt with a pregnancy, but…I’m sure we can handle it!” With a quick nod for emphasis and a gesture for her sister to follow, both captain and lieutenant exited the room.

 Unsurprisingly, they did not leave behind the most reassured of parents-to-be.

 “Renji…” Rukia breathed out once the door had clicked shut. It was the first time she’d spoken since Kiyone broke the news. “Are we…really having a baby?”

 Renji blew out a breath of his own. He didn’t know Captain Kotetsu as well as her sister (which was to say, not very) but he knew enough to be certain that she wasn’t the type for practical jokes.

 After briefly contemplating this, he sighed again. “Yeah…looks like it.” He ran his hand over his head and accidentally knocked his bandanas askew. There was no point in fixing them when he was shaking too much to tie a proper knot, not to mention his other hand was already currently occupied, so he didn’t even bother. They came off easily with one solid yank.

 Rukia watched the discarded fabrics drop noiselessly onto the bed beside her and nodded slowly.  “I see,” was all she said. One by one, her fingers unclenched and she lowered the now badly crimped sheet back into her lap. The feeling in Renji’s hand returned as her hold on him slackened as well.

 They were given approximately half an hour to digest this bombshell before Byakuya arrived. Most of that time was spent in reflective silence, broken only when an orderly came in to give Rukia a light meal and a tonic for her upset stomach, and again when the division’s third seat and their good friend, Yamada Hanataro, briefly poked his head in the room to voice his congratulations. Apparently, word had spread fast in the 4th Division.

 When Byakuya swept in, he was composed and calm as ever with only a small fluctuation to his normally steady reiatsu giving away how worried he actually was. “Rukia. You appear to be doing well,” he surmised after his eyes skimmed over her briefly. He didn’t even bother to acknowledge Renji. (Renji found this understandable; he wasn’t the one in the hospital bed after all.)

 “I am, Nii-sama, thank you,” Rukia answered a pitch higher than usual.

 Byakuya noticed, of course. His brow furrowed by the tiniest of fractions. “Have they determined anything?”

 “U-um…well…that is…” she hesitated. Renji could see the cogs working furiously in her head. He knew she most likely wanted to tell Byakuya as she respected him too much to keep anything this big secret but the shock of the unexpected diagnosis was throwing her for a loop.

 Not to mention, this was basically a flat-out admission to her own brother that they were sleeping together (which definitely wouldn’t be news to him seeing as he had been married once himself and knew exactly what activities were routinely practiced within a healthy marriage) but ever the easily embarrassed introvert, Rukia tended to keep a tight lid on every aspect of their private life together, even when it came to close friends. He doubted she’d said anything to Inoue yet or was ever planning on doing so in the future.

 Feeling just as apprehensive as she looked, Renji squeezed her hand and sighed reluctantly, “Might as well tell ‘im now, Rukia. It’s gonna come out eventually, anyways.”

 Renji’s presence was finally acknowledged by his captain looking at him in a way that made him very fearful of losing a good number of things attached to his body. “What does he mean by that?” Byakuya asked Rukia sharply while eyeing Renji’s uncharacteristically bared forehead with a mixture of suspicion and disapproval.

 Reassured by Renji’s prompting, Rukia took a deep breath and adjusted herself off the pillow to sit up straight to answer her brother. “Nii-sama…” she began, confidently as possible. Her voice held steady as she glanced at Renji, who gave her the most encouraging smile he could muster despite growing increasingly tense and more fidgety with each passing second. “It appears I am…with child.” Having said that, she looked back at Byakuya a little more reluctantly and bit her lip, a slight flush coming back to her colorless cheeks.

 Byakuya stilled. Slowly, his scrutinizing gaze left Renji and settled on his sister. Then for the first time that Renji could recall since the day he met him, his captain’s face softened completely and a tiny flicker of something akin to joy shone in his eyes. “You are with child?” he repeated in a hushed voice.

 If they’d been waiting for a sign from the universe, that was definitely it. At those four small words, all the tension in Renji’s shoulders instantly slid right off and evaporated into nothing. He knew by the small sigh Rukia let out that she had fully relaxed as well. The air itself even felt easier to breathe and move about in.

 It was apparent that, much like when they first got engaged, the majority of their anxieties had stemmed from the uncertainty of how Byakuya would take the news. But with that heartfelt response (for him at least), once again, they realized they had worried for naught. Of course he would be elated, even proud. True, the baby wouldn’t carry on the Kuchiki name, but seeing his beloved younger sister and trusted subordinate, whose union he had wholeheartedly (though somewhat ambiguously) blessed, content and thriving to the point of producing a child would certainly bring him at least some happiness.

 Now that the mental blockades barricading in their own feelings were lifted, nothing was left suppress them and they swiftly spilled over.

 “Yes.” Rukia looked back at Renji, her eyes starting to fill with moisture. From the pricking sensation in his own, Renji suspected he was on the verge of tearing up as well. “Renji and I…we’re having a baby,” she declared, her thumb absentmindedly caressing his knuckles. Excitement radiated from her, warm and bright, and it filled him completely until he felt like he would burst.

 Forgetting his captain, forgetting all the fear and worry that overtook them at first, forgetting Rukia had spent the morning throwing up, Renji leaned forward with a choking sob of a laugh and kissed her fiercely with everything he had. He couldn’t help himself. He had never loved her more than he did right at that moment.

 They became a family born from friendship as children, and now, as a man and woman united in love, they were creating an entirely new one. Everything in their lives, every hardship they’d endured and obstacle they’d faced and overcome, had led to this one thing: A single precious entity brought into existence by the bonds they shared.

 Rukia initially baulked in surprise at the action but soon let go of his hand and returned it with full fervor. Adoration, heartache, joy, pain, gratitude. All those feelings and more, they poured into that one kiss. Words alone could never be enough.

 “Ahem.”

 Renji started and broke away from Rukia with a wet smack! They both turned towards the source of the cough with eyes half-lidded and hands still tangled through each other’s tresses.

 Byakuya stood awkwardly over them, shoulders rigid and eyes deliberately averted.

 “I believe…I am needed elsewhere,” he told them flatly, still refusing to grace them with his gaze, “Rukia, see to it you get your rest. Renji…” his eyes closed and his voice dropped slightly in warning, “…make sure you don’t disturb her.” Without further ado, Byakuya turned on his heel with a quiet “Congratulations” and headed for the door.

 Renji winced guiltily and let go of Rukia. “Understood, Captain. Thank you.” he replied stiffly with his hands folded obediently in front of him, while a thoroughly reddened Rukia lay back on her pillow with a respectful “Yes, Nii-sama.”

 After Byakuya left the room, however, they were somewhat less compliant.

Author’s Notes: Anything Byakuya does is my second favorite part of WDkALY and now he’s becoming one of my favorite characters to write little snippets for.

Normally I’m not one for featuring non-canon characters but Hanataro just didn’t quite fit in the role of someone Renji would have any sort of affectionate mentor/parent-like feelings towards so the messenger ended up being some random 4th Division newbie. We don’t know her name though because Renji forgot to ask. lol

Also remember how I mentioned in the notes for Part II that this title is like a mega pun? Go look up all the meanings of “issue” and you’ll see what I’m talking about. XD

Continued in [PART V- THE DENIAL]

[krumpwrites]

MHAM Post #15: Maggie

Today’s piece is actually written by a friend of a friend whom I’ve never even met. I just wanted to stress this fact, because the amount of support and enthusiasm I have received about this project over the past month is so amazing/heartwarming/mind-blowing to me. 

The fact that someone I don’t even know on a personal level would be so inspired to open up about her experiences for the sake of others is so crazy and beautiful. 

I really enjoyed this piece because Maggie, the writer, doesn’t focus too much on specific diagnoses. She just shares times in her life where things got especially trying, and in turn, negatively impacted her already existing mental health struggles. 

I think that’s an extremely important thing to remember. Mental health is a part of all of us, right? Whether good or bad. Some of us have a genetic predisposition to certain diagnoses. Some of us have more negative experiences with regards to our mental health than others. Some of us have labels that we can attach to our struggles. Regardless, we all have good and bad experiences in life, and those experiences impact our mental health. Regardless of predisposition, confirmed diagnoses, etc, our life experiences shape us and make us who we are. Our mental health is directly tied to all of that. 

Maggie’s piece does a great job at explaining just how drastically certain events in her life made these kinds of impacts on her. 

I am happy to share her story here: 

This is difficult for me to start, because my experience with mental illness has been both a marathon and series of short, painful sprints. I didn’t meet my triggers until late in college, and didn’t know how to talk about what I was feeling until after a terrifying and heartbreaking night in the emergency room.  

My case is different than some. I never worried about talking about what I was feeling. In fact, I ALWAYS talked about what I was feeling, whether it was to someone else, or within my ever present (sometimes deafening) internal dialogue.  From an early age, I was assessing and labeling what I saw, heard, smelled, tasted, and felt, and if something wasn’t right, or I wasn’t where I wanted it to be, I fixed it.  Big surprise, I now work in healthcare. 

When I was in high school, I experienced hardship as everyone does, and instead of dealing with the things I couldn't understand or label, I started digging deep to bury the hard things. This continued throughout college, until I ran out of space to bury the shitty stuff.  The biggest problem with this was that, because of the fact that I didn’t understand and couldn’t put a label on my feelings, I couldn’t find the means to talk about them. I wasn’t talking about what I was going through, but not because I was afraid or because I didn’t want to. I literally couldn’t.  I had dealt with death and hardship, and while these are horrendous and devastating things, this was DIFFERENT.  I stopped sleeping, I overate, drank an unbelievable amount, and completely stopped working out.  I managed to push through the end of college with minimal visible harm, and slid into my gap year. During this year, I took my physical health to the forefront, but did not think much about my mental health. Because physicality is such a huge part of my life, my mental health improved with the improvement of my physical health.  However, I was not making a concerted effort to better myself as a whole, and I was doing myself a disservice without even knowing it. I thought my dark period in college was a come and go “rough patch” that I wouldn’t go back to, and DAMN was I absolutely wrong.

I have always been driven, determined, outgoing, outspoken, and didn’t give a flying fuck about what anyone thought about me, until I started dating the person I thought was my forever partner. We met right before I started grad school, and immediately clicked. I had never felt that way about anyone before, and things moved much too quickly.  We were living together after only a few months. The fights we had were vicious and sometimes very scary for others. Things spiraled downhill almost as quickly, and I saw a side of myself that I wish to NEVER see again. I let someone else dictate my life. I made all decisions based on this person. I didn’t realize it until almost a year after the fact, but I was living in constant fear that if I said or did the wrong thing, or didn’t consistently put this other person first, that he would leave me and my one true love would be gone forever, and he didn’t let me forget it. One of our infamous fights hit an all-time low, and I tried to kill myself. Waking up to the pure sadness that I saw was the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever experienced, and I would not wish that feeling on anyone in the world. Despite this, I stayed with this person another two years, and it was a constant ebb and flow of amazing days and some of the ugliest days I’ve seen. I let myself get to a point where I told myself I had nowhere to go but inward. I knew what I was feeling, but I was so paralyzed by fear that if I expressed myself, he would leave and I would be left with nothing. Little did I know, I am fucking everything and more (and so are you).

Last summer, his beautiful mother passed away, and to say that it was devastating is an understatement. I didn’t deal with this loss, because I didn’t feel as though it was mine, and I knew I needed to be his rock.  After this, I made the move to NYC, and I was biding my time until he was able to move up here as well. In this time, he became distant and meaner than ever. I was constantly anxious and terrified that I was doing the wrong thing. Later I came to find that he had started dating someone else, but it was just too hard for him to tell me (insert eye roll here). I. Was. Devastated. I lost 20 pounds in less than a month. I wasn’t sleeping. My work suffered, and my already broken relationships with my family and friends suffered even more. 

Here comes the upswing (you knew it was coming at some point).  Instead of letting this person continue to define me, I decided to redefine me. I told myself, “I live in the greatest city in the free world, take advantage and just do you boo boo”. I started just doing things that I wanted to do, whether I had someone to do them with or not. A random happy hour by myself, where I met an amazing woman my age in the same boat (WHAT?! WHY?!). Check. John Legend concert. Check. All you can eat pizza fundraiser for breast cancer. Check. Training for, and soon to run, a half marathon. Check. Signing up for my first marathon. Check. Getting accepted to a doctorate program. Check.

During this time, I worked with some of the greatest and most supportive earth angels on the planet. They took me under their wings, and didn’t comment on my obvious, rapid weight loss, they didn’t try to tell me what to do, they were just there for me  even though they hadn’t known me for very long. They let me talk when I wanted to, and, most importantly, they didn’t judge me for feeling. They are now some of my best friends in the world, and if it wasn’t for this shitty situation, I wouldn’t have been able to expand my bad ass squad with these rock stars. Not only did I make new friends, but my best friends (which includes my family) were truly amazing (which is the understatement of the century). They dealt with, and still deal with, my breakdowns at all hours with unbeatable grace and always had a kind word or a laugh to share. 

I have also been able to pay it forward. I am not the only one of my friends that has struggled with one of many mental health issues. We have created an open dialogue that may look terrifying to the outside eye, but it’s our safe space.  Doing this has also given me an incredible amount of perspective when I am having my bad days. We are not alone. We can do this. We are a tribe that gets shit done in grand fashion.

While I will always struggle with the need to fix and label, it’s getting easier with each day and a lot of hard work.  I will never let someone else define who I am. I will continue to be the outspoken (sometimes too blunt), funny, lighthearted person I always was, but my bad days are quite a bit different now. I know the bad feelings will not last forever. I know that I am not only enough, but I go above and beyond.  I have a bad ass team behind me, and I don’t have a clue how I got so lucky to have them all in my life. I am a mother fucking queen.