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bee-kathony · 5 years

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Four Years | Year Three - “July 28th, 2016″

a/n: thank you so much for reading! I think you’ll all be quite happy with this chapter ;) next chapter on friday!

Year One | Year Two

July 28th, 2016

At the start of the week, I woke up violently ill. My first thought was that the cancer was back. It was a nagging thought that wouldn’t go away — no matter how badly I wanted it to.

I laid in bed — day four, thinking of what it would mean if the tumor had come back.

More chemo. More late nights of pain. More feeling like a burden to Jamie.

Jamie had been pushing me to go to the hospital, but I wouldn’t. I knew if it was the tumor coming back that I should go — to halt it’s progress of eating my brain. To stop doubts and worry. For both of us.

I had just thrown up again — in a bucket beside the bed and I now lay on my side, one hand dangling over the edge, cold and hot at the same time. My head was pounding and I knew I was dehydrated. My stomach was rolling, twisting and turning with every slight movement.

“Jamie,” I managed to croak out in between labored breaths. He was there in an instant, down on his knees, pushing the vomit filled bucket aside.

“What is it, mo nighean donn,” he said softly, his hand light on my head, caressing, stroking, willing me to get better.

“Water.”

He looked at me dubiously, “Are ye sure ye can keep it down, last ti—“

“Water, Jamie,” I nearly begged.

Then he was gone and out of sight, hopefully getting me the water that my body was craving. He was right though — I hadn’t been able to keep anything down, not even water, but every cell in my body was screaming for it.

“Here, sit up babe,” Jamie placed the ice cold glass down on the bedside table and his arms were around me, slowly shifting me to a sitting position. He had to hold the glass to my lips, tilting it back gently as the water trickled down my parched throat.

“Feel better?”

I nodded and sighed, closing my eyes as I let my head hit the pillow behind me.

When my eyes opened to find him sitting on the edge of the bed, I saw a curious expression on his face and made a sound — a grunt to inquire what he was up to.

Jamie’s hand slid over my knee, squeezing lightly. “Sassenach…”

He slid his hand from my knee, up my thigh and then rested it lightly over my stomach. “Do ye think…”

“Pregnant?” That thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. I had immediately gone to the worst case scenario, assuming that this was it — that I was dying and would leave this earth by the end of the week.

He quirked a brow and then shook his head. “I was only wonderin’— ye ken, what else it might be.”

“I think I would know, Jamie.” I said softly, feeling exhausted just from sitting up for so long.

“Aye, of course, mo ghraidh…” Jamie’s hand left my stomach and I looked up at him. “But, would ye do somethin’ for me? Humor me?”

“What?”

Jamie didn’t respond, but rose from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom. When he came back, he was holding a pregnancy test in his large hands.

“I didn’t buy that, did you?” I blinked several times, staring at the test as he laid it in my lap.

“I bought it yesterday,” he grinned sheepishly and I wanted to kiss him full on the mouth, but I’m sure he wouldn’t have appreciated my foul breath nor did I have the strength to.

“Jamie Fraser,” I sighed, smiling as my fingers touched the stick. Just the sight of it made my heart nearly shatter into a thousand pieces. It had been just past six months since we’d lost Jane. And with a ten percent chance that I would even get pregnant, I scarcely allowed myself to hope for another pregnancy.

“I was layin’ next to ye the other night, listening to ye breathin’ and such,” Jamie placed his hand over mine, squeezing gently. “And I turned over to watch ye, because I couldn’t sleep.” When I started to open my mouth to ask if I had kept him up, he only shook his head, answering my unspoken question. “Nah, ye werena loud. But seein’ ye in pain troubled me so.”

“I dinna want to sound like a creep,” he blushed. “But I was watchin’ ye sleep and then I began to notice how ye looked different. Like ye did at the first with Jane.”

I smiled sadly and Jamie took a break in his story to bend down and kiss my forehead lightly.

“I reached out, Sassenach and touched ye just here,” he said as his fingers drifted to rest over one breast, cupping the roundness in his hand. “I have kent the shape and weight of yer wee breasts for some time now,” he smirked. “I think I would ken when they change too.”

“You bloody Scot,” I laughed and then started coughing. Jamie’s hand moved to my back, rubbing in steady circles until the coughing fit passed.

“All this to say, Sassenach. Would ye humor me? Take the test and find out.”

I glanced back down at the test in my lap, my thumb touching the end. “I will.”

Jamie let out a sigh and his shoulders relaxed. His face lit up like a Christmas tree and I prayed to God just then that this test would give us the results we so badly needed.

“I need more water though…” I pointed to the glass. “I’m terribly dehydrated and if I’m going to have enough pee for that stick, I’ll need another glass or four.”

“Of course!” Jamie said enthusiastically and then he reached over and held up the glass in front of me. “Drink up, my wee fish.”

I laughed and tilted my head back as he tipped the glass against my lips.

Twenty minutes later, I felt the urge to pee and signaled Jamie to help me get out of bed.

For days, I had been laying in bed and my knees wobbled slightly on the walk to the bathroom, just ten feet away. When I got to the toilet, I turned my head to glance back at Jamie who was standing just in the doorway. “Some privacy, Jamie? Just for this bit.”

“Aye,” he blushed and then turned back to wait in our room.

I took a deep breath before continuing on with the next few steps. If I was pregnant, it would certainly explain the sickness, but it was also so violent which worried me if I was with child.

The test laid on the counter now and Jamie was holding me, his arms wrapped protectively around my body, my head buried in his chest. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want to look. I didn’t want to have my heart crushed again.

I felt Jamie’s body tense underneath my hands and heard a small intake of breath. One arm left my back as he picked up the test and held it in front of his face.

“Remind me what two pink lines means, Sassenach.”

My head turned up to peer at the stick and he brought it down to my level. “Two pink lines?”

“Aye, two. One there and then another there.”

“Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ,” I muttered.

“Good or bad, Claire?”

My hands twisted in the cotton of Jamie’s shirt and I turned to look at him, tears brimming and spilling down my cheeks. “Good, darling. Very good news!”

“Are ye pregnant, Claire?” Jamie dropped the stick then and it fell to the ground with a plastic clink. Both his hands went to my face and I felt like I might pass out.

“I think I am! Two pink lines means that I am, Jamie!”

“Christ!” Jamie lifted me off the ground, spinning us both around until I was patting his back with both hands, my head feeling dizzy and my heart rate speeding up. “Sorry, Sassenach, forgot ye were ill.”

“We’ll go to the hospital tomorrow to confirm,” I said matter of factly and he nodded with that prognosis.

“Sorcha,” he said my name in the Gaelic — something he saved for special occasions. “We really might have another bairn?”

“If everything goes as planned…” I glanced down between us and suddenly something clicked. It was the feeling of not being alone anymore. I had felt it when I had first found out about Jane — as well as when I felt her leave me. It was the same. Jamie’s hand slid over my stomach and I covered his hand with mine.

“This time, Claire. We will have a bairn and they will be beautiful,” he kissed my forehead, his lips lingering.

“God, I hope so.”

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The next morning, Jamie was already awake and dressed when I came to — still exhausted from having so many sleepless nights. He had called Jenny and asked if she could come and watch Fergus today instead of going into work.

We hadn’t told her exactly why we were going to the hospital, only that we needed to make sure I wasn’t sick with something worse than the flu.

Jamie held my hand in his lap the whole drive to the hospital. I could feel the energy radiating off of him — the slight twitches of his fingers, the curve of his lips. He was happy. I was nervous.

When we got to the hospital, it didn’t take long before both Joe and Geillis were at our side, questioning our presence.

“Are you sick, Lady J?”

“Probably just the flu,” I smiled weakly. I did think I had the flu, but I was also pregnant and that’s what made me nervous.

“I’ll page Julia and we’ll have ye out of here in no time,” Geillis smiled warmly, her hand rubbing circles on my back. Jamie had his arm wrapped around my side, his fingers tapping gently — a rhythm to match my fast beating heart.

Finally, Jamie and I were led into a room with Julia, another fellow doctor.

“Are ye feelin’ alright, Claire?”

“I almost positive it’s just the flu, but—“ I glanced over at Jamie. “I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive.”

“Ah,” Julia smiled. “So yer here to find out for sure then.” She didn’t ask further questions, like why I hadn’t just called in like a normal patient and ask for an ultrasound. Julia knew about my cancer of course and knew about Jane.

“I’ll just check yer vitals first and then we’ll see about an ultrasound,” Julia said in her doctor voice. The next few minutes were me and Jamie telling her of my symptoms and when they had started.

“It couldn’t be the tumor right?” Jamie asked.

“No,” Julia shook her head. “It’s just a bad case of the flu, nothing more. And then if ye are pregnant, that will be part of the reason why it feels especially bad.”

I felt Jamie relax instantly and I did as well. That was one less thing to worry about.

“Okay, time for the ultrasound.”

Jamie helped me up onto the examination table, holding my hand and watching nervously as Julia pushed up my shirt and spread a cold gel across my stomach.

“Alright, let’s take a look,” she smiled. The wand pressed firmly against me, moving slowly across my skin.

“Is that—“

“The heartbeat?” Julia said and then pointed at a small dot on the screen. “Yes, it is. Claire, you are pregnant!”

“Jesus, Mary and Joseph,” Jamie cried from beside me his hands flying to cover his face. His shoulders caved in and I saw the tears fall down his cheeks.

“I would put you at about eight weeks along,” Julia said. “I’m surprised you didn’t catch on sooner.”

“Well my periods have been irregular since the chemo,” I shrugged, sitting up slightly to wipe off the gel. “I didn’t want to let myself hope… just in case.”

Jamie slid his arm around my shoulder, and I looked up at him, beaming from ear to ear.

“Let’s schedule your next ultrasound and then I’ll write you a prescription for that flu,” Julia rose from her chair, turning off the sonogram machine.

“Sassenach,” Jamie bent down to his knees to kiss me. “We have a second chance.”

I cupped his cheek, tears of my own finally falling free. “Our rainbow baby.”

#four years #year three #outlander fanfic #outlander #jamie x claire #curlsgetdemgurls #jamie fraser #claire fraser #cancer au #oooo baby babyy

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artistjojo1228 · 5 years

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Rock and Roll Storytime #8: Motherf***ing Altamont (Otherwise Known as the Worst Mistake the Rolling Stones Ever Made)

Let’s face it, 1969 was a pretty crazy year no matter where you stand. On one hand, there were the moon landings, Woodstock, and general protesting against the Vietnam War (much to the chagrin of the Establishment), but on the other hand, there was the Chappaquiddick incident, the death of Brian Jones, and the Beatles starting to head full-steam down the path that led to their breakup in April 1970.

And then, there was Altamont, what has otherwise been labeled as the darkest day in Rock and Roll History.

This one’s going to be frustrating (and as an aside, I’m actually quite glad that Brian Jones missed out on this one, and likely would have even if he hadn’t drowned, by virtue of getting fired from the Rolling Stones in June 1969).

Let me start off by positing one simple question: WHICH DUMBASS CAME UP WITH THE BRIGHT IDEA OF HIRING THE HELL’S ANGELS AS SECURITY?!

Okay, I guess I’d better start earlier than that, even, with some of the lead-in. The Rolling Stones had last performed in the concert circuit in 1967, and by June 1969, they wanted to get back on the road. One problem: their guitarist, Brian Jones, was unable to get a work visa due to having racked up two drug convictions in the meantime (at least one of which was definitely based on planted evidence). Even then, Brian, for reasons known mostly to him and only speculated upon by me, had stopped contributing to the Stones’ music, if he even showed up to recording sessions at all. Mick Jagger, himself, said that Brian’s last major contribution to a Rolling Stones song was the hauntingly beautiful slide guitar on the melancholic “No Expectations”.

It was apparently their road manager, Ian Stewart, who brought up the idea of letting Brain go from the band. Bill and Charlie had absolutely no say in the decision, but ultimately, on June 8, 1969, Mick and Keith went to Brian’s residence, Cotchford Farm, to tell him he was being fired, with Charlie tagging along to make sure a fight didn’t break out. However, by most accounts, Brian had been expecting this would happen, and agreed to leave the band. Mick and Keith left the press statement up to Brian, and possibly to save face, he decided to make it look like he’d left the band on his own accord.

The statement read: “I no longer see eye to eye with the others over the discs we are cutting. We no longer communicate musically. The Stones’ music is not to my taste any more. The work of Mick and Keith has progressed at a tangent, at least to my way of thinking. I have a desire to play my own brand of music rather than that of others, no matter how much I appreciate their musical concepts. We had a friendly meeting and agreed that an amicable termination, temporary or permanent, was the only answer. The only solution was to go our separate ways, but we shall still remain friends. I love those fellows.”

How much of this statement was true is up to personal conjecture. In either case, Brian was replaced by 20-year-old Mick Taylor, who’d previously played with John Mayall’s Bluesbreakers. In a press conference on June 13, the band announced Taylor’s arrival (having two Micks in the band gets so confusing), as well a free concert in Hyde Park on July 5 to introduce the youngest member of the band.

Then, just two days before the concert, Brian drowned in his backyard swimming pool at the age of twenty-seven. His death was ruled as misadventure (which personal research seems to back up), but theories persist to this day that he was, instead, murdered.

In the blink of an eye, the Hyde Park gig went from being an introduction to Mick Taylor to being a tribute to Brian Jones. In honor of Brian, the concert began with Mick reading two verses from Percy Bysshe Shelley’s “Adonais,” and as the band began playing “I’m Yours and I’m Hers” (one of Brian’s favorite songs), 2,500 cabbage white butterflies were released (against stipulation), though, by this point, many had died in the July heat, due to the boxes not being properly ventilated. Even if, on a technical level, it wasn’t one of the Stones’ best shows, it still showed the world at large that the Stones were back (baby).

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So, what does all this have to do with Altamont? Well, providing security that day was the London chapter of the Hell’s Angels. Apparently, it was Rock Scully’s idea, after he’d hired the Angels as security on multiple occasions while managing the Grateful Dead.

Thing is, the London chapter was a lot calmer when compared with the infamous Californian branch of the Hell’s Angels.

So yeah, there’s problem #2...

That summer, a little concert called Woodstock took place, which ended up epitomizing the peace and love movement. But if that was the high, then Altamont was what brought that idealism to a screeching halt.

Problem #3: the concert was based entirely on the notion that the Stones could hold a free concert as a sort of West Coast Woodstock.

After all, even journalists throughout that tour had been complaining about high ticket prices (even though $3-$8 seems to me a steal considering they’re going in the triple digits nowadays...). What could go wrong?

Those of you familiar with Murphy’s Law may be able to see where I’m going with all this.

Problem #4: their tour manager, Sam Cutler, just couldn’t get a venue.

He tried to score them a gig in San Fransisco, but there was a football game taking place, San Jose wouldn’t have another concert so soon after the last one, and Sears Point Raceway asked for a $100,000 fee as well as distribution rights to the concert footage (the entire tour had been filmed by a crew including the Maysles brothers and future Star Wars director George Lucas). So, a mere forty-eight hours before the concert began, the Stones finally settled on Altamont Speedway.

Needless to say, anyone who’s ever been to a concert or organized any large scale events would be able to tell you that choosing the venue at the last minute is NEVER a good idea. This is also evidenced by the fact that the venue was covered in trash and lacked basic amenities such as water and toilets, but hey, the owner offered it for free, so why not?

I swear, the level of incompetence shown by multiple parties throughout these proceedings is on another level (and I read the Darwin Awards...)

Also, as a result of the ASTRONOMICALLY poor planning, the stage was only an inch off the ground, and since there were only two days before the concert, there was no time to make the stage safe, so already, anyone playing at Altamont the day of December 6 were putting themselves at risk (I don’t know if waivers were signed either). Not to mention the fact that there would be absolutely no barriers between the performers and the reported 300,000 attendees.

So, that should cover problems #6 and #7, but in my personal opinion, the coup de grace of all these fuck-ups was the decision to hire the Californian Hell’s Angels as security.

Again, as I said, the Stones did have the London branch of the Hell’s Angels at the Stones in the Park concert, but anyone who knows anything worth a damn about the Californian Hell’s Angels would know that it’s a whole different ballpark dealing with them. From what I’ve heard, the hippies had an unrealistically idealized version of them in their heads, and Cutler apparently even tried warning the Stones about the “real” Hell’s Angels. Even then, the Hell’s Angels were offered $500 worth of beer to basically just sit on the side of the stage and make sure no one got too close.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go call the organizers fucking idiots in a minimum of seven languages. ... Okay, I’m good. Still pissed, but I’m fine.

In either case, also not helping matters was that at least 95% of the audience were high on one substance or another, because, let’s face it, this was the hippie movement. And according to Rolling Stone magazine, the organizers also didn’t warn neighboring landowners of the hippies descending on the scene, set the whole thing in a desolate, treeless, wasteland (and still there was no clear barrier between the performers and the audience), the sound system was shit, and in general, the stage was completely surrounded by people and their cars.

I don’t know about you, but I’m already smelling a disaster waiting to happen.

The concert was to feature Santana, Jefferson Airplane, The Flying Burrito Brothers, Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young, The Grateful Dead, and of course, the Rolling Stones.

Things started out smoothly with Santana’s set, but only deteriorated from there, as the Hell’s Angels got increasingly drunk. Throughout the day, the Angels would attack anyone who was being problematic (sometimes with sawed-off pool cues and motorcycle chains), although their victims include a guy running around naked and another who was trying to take pictures of the stage. Things only got worse after someone (possibly accidentally) knocked over one of the Angels’ motorcycles. During Jefferson Airplane’s set, Marty Balin jumped into the crowd to stop a fight and was knocked unconscious, and when Paul Kantner sarcastically thanked the Angels, one, Bill Fritsch, took up a microphone and argued with him about it. One woman called a radio show the next day to say that she saw several fistfights break out, and every single one of them involved the Hell’s Angels. When she tried to speak up about it, other people around her told her to keep quiet out of fear of provoking them. Denise Jewkes, lead singer of Ace of Cups and who was SIX MONTHS PREGNANT, got hit in the head by a beer bottle, causing a skull fracture (the Stones later paid for her medical expenses). Stephen Stills was reportedly stabbed in the leg several times by a “stoned-out” Hell’s Angel. When the Rolling Stones flew in, Mick was punched in the face almost the second he got off the helicopter. Things got so bad, that the Grateful Dead basically just said “Fuck it” and got the hell out of dodge.

Apparently, the only time the crowds calmed down, even a little, was when the Flying Burrito Brothers took the stage.

It was dark when the Rolling Stones finally took the stage (partly because Bill Wyman missed the first helicopter), and by then, things were only deteriorating further (if such a thing is even possible). Fighting between audience member and Hell’s Angel alike kept breaking out, to the point where Mick stopped the show in a vain attempt to get the crowd to calm down.

All I can say is, “Too little, too late.”

And still, as the Stones tried to keep performing, the situation only got worse. While Mick was singing “Under My Thumb”, yet another melee broke out, and in the chaos, 18-year-old Meredith Hunter, who had come with his girlfriend Patti Bredehoft and who happened to be high on meth at this very moment, was stabbed to death by 21-year-old Alan Passaro, after apparently brandishing a .22 caliber revolver in the direction of the stage. Passaro was later acquitted of all charges, which I think was a horrible mistake. It’s impossible to know for certain whether Hunter had been trying to defend himself or if he actually intended to shoot Mick Jagger, but what is known is that Hunter’s murder was captured on camera. You can watch the footage, but I must say, it makes for grisly viewing:

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People who were at the scene have since reported that Hunter was in urgent need of medical attention. However, the helicopter pilots who were there refused to take off for any one but the Rolling Stones. EVEN THOUGH THIS WAS CLEARLY A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION.

Excuse me, I need to take another break to scream to the heavens about why this was allowed....

Needless to say, Hunter died while waiting for an ambulance to come. In addition, two other people were killed in a hit-and-run accident, whilst another drowned under the influence of LSD. Also, four babies were born.

The next day, the Stones were on a plane back to London.

In the years since Hunter’s death, no one in either the Rolling Stones, the Grateful Dead, or the Hell’s Angels have taken responsibility for what happened. The Hell’s Angels, the organizers, and the crowds blamed each other for what happened, and the Stones have never really spoken up about it. They’ve never even had the decency of apologizing to Meredith Hunter’s family.

If you ask me though, I’d say that the fault lies entirely with everyone who organized this whole mess. Somehow, everyone involved was naive and/or stupid enough to try and organize an entire concert in just a few weeks as opposed to months, and the decision to hire the Hell’s Angels as security only exacerbated the ineptitude of everyone involved.

Let’s face it, none of the organizers were innocent, and no one in the crowd escaped without losing their collective innocence. There’s a damn good reason that this is considered the death knell for the hippie movement, and it’s all in the footage taken that night.

Sources/Further Reading: https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/remembering-meredith-hunter-the-fan-killed-at-altamont-630260/ https://www.ranker.com/list/altamont-free-concert-facts/jen-jeffers https://allthatsinteresting.com/altamont-speedway-free-concert https://www.newyorker.com/culture/cultural-comment/the-chaos-of-altamont-and-the-murder-of-meredith-hunter Up and Down with the Rolling Stones by Tony Sanchez Life by Keith Richards Altamont by Joel Selvin https://www.history.com/this-day-in-history/the-altamont-festival-brings-the-1960s-to-a-violent-end https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/02/01/altamont-free-concert-in-1969/ https://www.thevintagenews.com/2018/08/21/altamont-festival/ https://www.villagevoice.com/2018/07/23/altamont-the-rolling-stones-and-the-death-of-the-sixties-dream/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Altamont_Free_Concert https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_of_Meredith_Hunter https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rolling_Stones_American_Tour_1969 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Stones_in_the_Park https://web.archive.org/web/20161116164203/https://theravenreport.com/2016/10/31/rock-and-rolls-worst-day-this-1969-concert-ended-in-death/ https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/the-rolling-stones-disaster-at-altamont-let-it-bleed-71299/ http://timeisonourside.com/chron1969.html https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JUlyVSfhgaM

#cw: death #cw: murder #the rolling stones #mick jagger #keith richards #brian jones #charlie watts #bill wyman #mick taylor #the grateful dead #santana #jefferson airplane #crosby stills nash and young #flying burrito brothers #this whole thing pisses me off so much #even more so than with how the stones have treated brian in both life and death #rock and roll

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iamagarbagepotato-blog · 5 years

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A Potato Appears [Part 1 of 3].

Just to put this out there immediately: this is **NOT** a ProAna/ProMia blog, and I do not condone or encourage any of the actions or behaviors I express in this blog.

Now that that’s out of the way; Hi. I’ll call myself Sophia, I’m 29 years old, study full time in college, work as a server/bartender, and I have been struggling with bulimia since 2014. I had stopped in 2015, but severely relapsed in 2017. The only people that know are myself and the counselors I saw in 2014, my dentist, and the therapist I see currently.

I wanted to start this blog because I do not feel brave enough in my external life to talk to any friends, family, my boyfriend, or even my general practitioner doctor about this problem. Mostly because while I am not severely underweight like I was in 2014 (in fact, I do have a normal BMI), my laxative abuse is real and I feel as if it is consuming my life to the point where it interferes with my work, my social life, and especially my current academic life.

I’ll fill in some background information and clue y’all in; just be aware that it’s a novel...

Humble Beginnings (2013-2015)

I was 23.

It was early summer where I was living in southwest Florida, and the weather was unrealistically hot and humid. I had just come home from a very expensive grocery shopping trip for my boss at work (I was a bartender for a popular Mexican restaurant in the area) for one of my other boss’ going away party. I was tasked with making boozy treats for the adults. I remember them vividly; champagne cupcakes, chocolate Modelo Negro cupcakes, strawberry margarita cupcakes, Corona cupcakes with lime and beer buttercream, and Blue Moon cupcakes (because why not?) with orange and beer buttercream. I had posted a selfie of myself about halfway through covered completely in flour and other baking messes when a guy I had known from my days of marching drum corps messaged me. Let’s call him Mike. I had always thought he was attractive and very musically talented, so I entertained his flattering messages, and eventually we hopped on Skype as I continued baking while he sat on his couch drinking Bud Light.

He had made some forward comments; I didn’t mind because Florida had done my body good, even after my retirement from drum corps. He mentioned possibly coming up to visit him in Ohio, to which I said wouldn’t be a problem. He asked if I was serious, and I asked him if he was.. we set a date and I was off to visit Ohio two or three weeks later.

Once I landed, things with Mike were awkward, at first... but they progressed fast and hard. After a couple of months of visiting, I decided to move there permanently. I was also offered a chance to finish my music degree (which was something I had put off since 2011 and desperately wanted to complete) and was offered a position with a small, local, volunteer orchestra.

In early January of 2014, I had set out on the long 1200+ mile journey to move everything I could fit in my car from Florida to Ohio. I decided to not move in with him right away and instead lived with a roommate that was also a mutual friend of Mike’s, and she was dating the employer I had when I moved to Ohio. I was all set; I was working as a bartender, performing music on the side, meeting new people, and was set to start school in the fall later that year. I was dating one of the best musicians I knew that not only shared my love of orchestral music, but that of competitive marching music too. I was being shown off, and was enjoying life in a new city with new people.

Well, in March my roommate decided to take a few months-long trip to someplace off the grid. I could not afford the apartment on my own and was still a bit too new to the area to scour for a new roommate on such short notice, so I hesitantly moved in with Mike, and that’s when things started to get a bit weird. He had noted that even at his age at the time (32), he had never had a girlfriend live with him, nor had he ever had a girlfriend longer than a year. We worked opposite schedules, him teaching mornings and afternoons, and myself teaching students in the late afternoon before working nights in to late night. He had begun to make a few comments about how I had put on weight for my first winter in three years and it started to get on my nerves.

His behavior became weird at this time; He needed attention on him at all times. One incident I remember in particular was after an orchestra rehearsal, we had gone to a bar with friends and a lot of people at the bar started talking to me (mostly about my instrument and about the concert program for when/where they could see it) and Mike just busted out his instrument and started playing so people would acknowledge him. Thinking about that now still makes me incredibly uneasy. It was around this time, I started thinking that he might have had a drinking problem. Each night I’d come home to a 30 pack of Bud Light gone in a day and a half, and I know that I don’t drink that stuff, even in my worst of states. Whenever we’d go to parties, bar performances, or comedy shows, he’d always be the one drinking. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but looking back now, I missed a lot of red flags.

Around June, his comments about my weight had gotten on my nerves a bit more, and I was a bit on edge because I had started a second serving/bartending job a few weeks prior in a new upscale place. I became increasingly suspicious when he began concealing his phone. I’m not an overly paranoid girlfriend that wants to know your business, but his behavior became odd. I grew suspicious that he may have been talking to, or even seeing someone else while I was working two jobs and teaching my music students.

It made me think that it was my fault... that somehow with me becoming more and more unattractive was the reason he was being led astray. So I started running, and I started running a LOT. It was hard because, yeah, I was out of shape, but I also have asthma. I became frustrated when I couldn’t complete a time or distance that I wanted, and I’d punish myself for that by forcing myself to purge by vomiting. The first time was so hard, but seeing all the stir fry I had made and consumed hours before expel from my body and being flushed away gave me a sense of cleanliness. I was so glad to be rid of that. In my mind, I did deserve it. I would deprive myself of foods, and what little I did eat would be expelled when I could get away with it without suspicion.

Eventually I did something terrible; I did look at his phone and did confirm that he was not faithful to me. I was a bit scared about whether or not I should confront him about this. Most nights when he’d be drinking, he’d become emotionally abusive and would become unnecessarily argumentative with me to the point I’d breathe a sigh of relief when he’d pass out on the couch instead of crawling in to bed with me. When confronted, he immediately pinned me as the bad guy by going through his phone. In retrospect, it definitely wasn’t the smartest idea, nor the most honest, but it gave me the answer I was looking for and confirmed my suspicions. He became angry and so irate and I don’t remember much of what happened next other than a series os smacks across the face and jaw and being pushed down on to the bed we once shared and had “relations” in just hours before. After he had yelled at me so much that his spittle grossly mixed with he blood on my face, he strangely apologized, got up, and passed out on the couch for the remainder of the evening.

I layed there on the bed motionless for hours, thinking that this could have been avoided if I had just stayed thin. I didn’t know what to do; I had no friends that weren’t also his, I had no family (the closest was 6 hours away), and I had no money to run or go someplace else. I only got up that morning to shower and notice that one of my farther back anterior teeth was missing (and still is, but it’s hardly noticeable, but it is a constant reminder). To this day, I am unsure of my tooth dislodged because of the force he was using, or because the damage I had done to my teeth from throwing up so much. It remains a mystery. After he came to, we had agreed that until I found someplace else, I would have complete access to the bedroom and it would be my space and my space only. I chose this room because it was the only one in the apartment with a functioning lock.

I had felt pretty terrible medically about a week later; I had more severe cramps than normal and my menstrual blood was extremely heavy and different in appearance. I promptly went to the doctor to see what the problem was. Turned out that I not only miscarried at 8 weeks without even knowing I was pregnant because I was taking a birth control pill and we used condoms, but I also had a stomach ulcer. The physician noted the dramatic decrease in weight (140lbs in the winter to about 110lbs in mid-June) but noted it to be from the ulcer and the stress of the miscarriage. I had every opportunity to say that I was bringing and purging and refusing food; I could have said something about needing help in my dangerous situation... but I did nothing as he gave me a prescription for Effexor.

I became very quiet in the house, and was scolded often for not acknowledging his presence when I’d enter or leave a room he was in. He became so controlling and wanted to strip me of my privacy so much that he actually removed the door from the hinges so that the only privacy I had was in the bathroom. A few weeks of this and we’re finally in to July of 2014. He bought us tickets to see the baseball team play on the Fourth of July; which was a nice gesture and I went because I wasn’t working. I was very quiet because the Fourth of July is a somber holiday for me because my favorite uncle committed suicide on that day in 2006 and the memory still plays vividly in my mind every year. Around the third inning, Mike looked at me quietly watching the game, tapped me on the shoulder and said, “A few of my friends are here; I’m going to go sit with them.” Not long after, I gathered my things, hopped on the train, and walked back to the apartment only to discover that we only took one set of keys; his keys. So I sat at a bar for the next eight hours, watching the game, and glancing out the window to see if I would see him walk by so I could be let in. We were both very quiet after that. I had duct-taped a shower curtain on to the door frame just to have a small bit of privacy afterwards.

About a week later, Mike had reconnected with a guy friend he only saw occasionally since high school. They’d drink together and from hearing their conversations and hearing the beer cans being thrown in the recycling box that they both had problems with controlling their alcohol. I am unsure of why I was so judgmental of this when I couldn’t control myself when it came to binging and purging on a daily basis. His friend would often make comments to him about trying to get us back together, calling me Mike’s “cute suburbanite girlfriend” in the process. I was probably a jerk for eavesdropping (but he took away my fucking DOOR so he kinda asked for it) but this was the only time I ever heard Mike admit to someone that he had a problem with alcohol; both of them admitted it to each other, actually. At this point, their conversation moved outside and I have no idea what happened next until the next morning because I had fallen asleep watching a film with headphones in.

I had woken up the next morning to the sounds of knocking on the door; it was one of Mike’s friends asking for his spare glasses. I was confused because I didn’t see Mike anywhere or any sign that he had returned from when he had been out with his friend the night before. Turns out, he and his friend had gone on a walk and had gotten in to a physical altercation. To this day, Mike claims that I somehow conspired to set it up, but after what had just happened to me, I would never risk any physical harm on another human being, especially maliciously and violently. In light of this, I immediately called my mother who lived six hours away for her to wire me some money so I could come home immediately. I stayed for a week while Mike stayed with his parents nearby in order to give my job some minimal notice and to cover all my grounds with our mutual landlord.

When I came home to my mom, I was 102lbs and couldn’t bring myself to purge in her tiny home when she and her dog would hear me and investigate. I caught treatment silently through a local program, but ceased shortly after when my hectic life of working three jobs became a bit too much for me to worry about anything else. I thought I was free from bulimia.. until 2017 hit me like a ton of bricks.

Part 2 will continue soon...

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years

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05/08/2021 DAB Transcript

1 Samuel 2:22-4:22, John 5:24-47, Psalm 106:1-12, Proverbs 14:30-31

Today is the 8th day of May welcome to the Daily Audio Bible I'm Brian it is great to be here with you today as we bring to the close another one of our weeks together, this being the first full week of the month of May. So, well done. We moved through quite a bit of territory in this past week landing ourselves where we are in the book of 1 Samuel. We began 1 Samuel yesterday we talked about it then and were just getting to know Sammy. He is just a little boy. His mother, Hannah, prayed for him at Shiloh which is where the permanent tabernacle was for...for hundreds of years before the temple was constructed. And, so, Samuel has been given back to God and he lives there in Shiloh under the priest Eli's supervision. And he's got this little robe, this little priestly robe that his mother…she makes him a new one each year when she comes to worship. It’s a beautiful story because we all know how we like to dress up our toddlers in grown up looking clothes and they just look so sharp and handsome or beautiful. And, so, you can just imagine Samuel with this little priestly robe and ephod on. It’s just a little junior version and he walks around the temple and he's learning the ways of the Lord from the high priest Eli. So, that's basically where we are. We’re reading from the New International Version this week, which is today. 1 Samuel chapter 2 verse 22 through 4 verse 22.

Prayer:

Father, we thank You for another week in Your word, this first full week of this fifth month were taken note of it. You have been faithful. We are here. You have carried us this far and we are learning and You are shaping and we open ourselves and invite You to continue this work of sanctification within us that we might be set apart as holy to You and we might be living sacrifices, living the light in this world. Come Jesus we pray. In Your precious name, we ask. Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base. That is…well…home base. It’s home base, it's the homepage, it’s where you find out what's going on around here. So, check it out.

Check out the different sections of the website, specifically the Community section and the Shop. And, of course, if you’re using the Daily Audio Bible app…and if you're not using the Daily Audio Bible go download the Daily Audio Bible app. It's free, just search for Daily Audio Bible in your store…in your app store, download the Daily Audio Bible app and off you go to find the Community section, the Prayer Wall, the Shop, all that by pushing the Drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner of the app screen.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, you can do that on the web or in the app as well. On the web there is a link on the homepage. If you're using the app, you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner. And I thank you with all of my heart for your partnership. We wouldn't be here, these servers wouldn't be spinning, the word of God wouldn’t be spoken out across the world on a continual basis every day, all day, if we weren't in this together. And, so, thank you for your partnership. So, there's a link on the web. There is the Give button in the app, or if you prefer the mail, the mailing address, it’s PO Box 1996 Spring Hill Tennessee 37174. And as always if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, the little red button up at the top or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Community Prayer and Praise:

Hello Daily Audio Bible family my name is E, I'm from Texas and this is my first time calling in asking for prayer. I'm sure I've needed to plenty of other times but I just I don't know why I haven't. But thank you to this entire community for constantly praying for being committed. For Brian for you and your entire family for pouring into people daily and touching people and just being obedient to God to help people in a way that many people have probably shied away from, so thank you. I'm calling today because I'm actually not too far off and I'm trying to stay ahead of the curve and in prayer. I've had a lot on my plate in so many ways. I'm interested in writing a book about it. It's just so much. I'm coming off of it's been about a year since I've kind of my husband of 14 years has been having an almost yearlong affair with his assistant in my face and the girls at my house been around my kids. It's just absolutely overwhelming and unbelievable but I'm still I feel like God actually told me to stay in the marriage. He prepared me that this would happen years before it happened, and it happened and so now I'm just dealing with the aftermath of it but it impacts my life. I've been on anxiety drugs I've taken I've gotten off all of that and I'm just trying to trust God and but it is overwhelming. I'm in a support group but it's still a lot to deal with daily paired with just regular life where I have a family member an aunt who I've actually had to take care of and become a carrier and power of attorney and everything. Plus, I have my own 3 little kids and other businesses that I'm running and new ventures for career paths and I manage artists. I'm deeply embedded in the music community and just trying to function as a normal person when your life isn't normal it's very hard it's overwhelming. So, I’m asking everybody for prayer today that I can stay balanced and…

Hi DAB Emmy from Illinois here just calling in to say hi and just continued prayer for my husband and I that we can find a way to work through our marriage. My husband is still pretty much adamant that nothing can be fixed. He's actually contemplated moving across the country and working at a job that he would only be home a couple of weeks every few months and I haven't he's not really communicating much with me so I don't know if he got the job or not. But if that happens it would be in June in that would leave me through the bulk of my pregnancy to be home alone. I have support systems but both of them are an hour plus away. I kind of live in the middle of nowhere. So, it would just be a really hard transition of living life by myself. I can do it, I did it for 37 years before we got married but I wasn't pregnant then. So, I'm hoping and praying that God will use my pregnancy and I don't know maybe my husband going across the country to open his eyes to the realities that running from God is what's making him unhappy, and our marriage is just taking the is the scapegoat for his struggles. So, if you could just continue to pray. I am trying to stay happy and positive and stay as healthy as possible for this baby. So, thank you. Bye.

Hi everyone this is Mary. I don't really have a nickname but I guess it could be white or something. I don't know. But I just wanted to come on here and just ask for prayer for my mom. She recently lost her job and it's just been really scary. But I'm trusting in God and, you know, I say that but it's hard to do, you know, and so he's first. So, I just ask that you pray that she gets to find another job. She's actually going on an interview today. So, I hope it goes well. I know God blessed her with the interview. So, I know that he will bring her through it. But yeah, if you could just keep us in your prayers. And yeah, I'm keeping you all in my prayers. Thank you for inspiring me and reminding me that God's in control and just all the inspiration, all the positivity that you guys say. It just really, really encourages me. So, I thank you. God is so, so good even in, you know, the worst moments. And, yeah, thank you Brian for this community. I pray blessings over your new granddaughter. And yeah, I was so excited for that new chapter that you guys are experiencing. My sisters also having a baby in July. So, I'm really excited. She'll be having a baby boy. So, yeah, I just pray blessings over you guys and peace and yeah, I love you guys. Have a good one. Bye.

Hey family this is Lazarus calling. I'll let you know through the prayer request since I was baptized, reborn I went deeper and deeper into Christ father and his Holy Spirit has just been amazing transformation and powerful. I, so, I want you to know that I pray for you all and I care about you all deeply and here for you. Just know about that was out there praying for you in response to your prayer request. So, I have an ask. And come along way. Some of you know my story. It's been pretty brutal. But right now, I'm about to finish up here on a project that will at least dig me out of the ditch for the moment and it's been a deep and long ditch as many know. So, I just ask for your prayers. The other party has been this more complicated and has put me at risk even more risk than I am and this will make a huge difference for what I can do for the community. It's not about me. That job is dead this is the new Lazarus talking and this is about God. This is about doing the right thing getting in a posture of heart and position to be able to work out his plan the father's plan support his plan. And again, he's first, I’m last and that's just the agreement that we have. So, we go out together every day to fight evil and darkness and he's with me and it's made all the difference. So, I ask your prayers that I get through this one last step and get on my new track completely. I pray in Jesus’ name. God bless you all.

Hello Daily Audio Bible family this is Carla Mathis from Orlando FL. I'm calling to pray from my husband and my family. My husband is in a federal facility in __ County Texas so I'm here with my daughters. I just wanna say a quick prayer for him. Oh Lord I pray that you will protect __ from any accidents, diseases, dangers or evil influences ___ especially where he is, hide him from violence __ evil people wherever he walks secure his steps keep him on your path so that his feet don't slip. If his foot does slip, hold him up by your mercy. Give him the wisdom and the discretion that will help him walk away safely and not fall into danger. Be his fortress, his strength, his shield, and his stronghold. Make him to dwell in the shadow of your wings. I pray that__ that we might __ what will happen around him will not come near us and not hurt him. Save him from anything that the enemy __ against him or to destroy him. Lord God I just __ continue in the faith and let him come home. __ When I come back __ . __ I love him so much and I love daddy and he's going to come home sooner but we have to wait until __. Amen. Amen.

Hi family this is Biola from Maryland I hope you're all doing well. Well, congratulations China and Ben on the birth of Reagan the Brave. What a beautiful name. Beautiful baby, I saw her on Facebook. Congratulations to you Brian and Jill. Brian I must say that I am really impressed. I mean I've always been impressed by the I am doubly impressed by your dedication to this beautiful ministry you know even after your first grandbaby girl. I know you have other grandkids who are who are boys. Came into the world you still came to read to us. May God bless you brother. May God answer you before your call you and Jill in the name of Jesus and I pray for Reagan Brave. I pray that as her name indicates she will be brave for the Lord. This little girl will be on fire may God give her parents wisdom to know how to raise her in the way of the Lord in the name of Jesus. May they never lack for any good thing in Jesus’ name. And I pray the same for you Brian and I want to encourage everyone who listens to Daily Audio Bible, as you listen and put your log in the fire, please give to Daily Audio Bible. This is really important. Honey Bee I am praying for you my sister that God will touch your eyes and heal you, that God will work a miracle in your life in the name of Jesus. Cammy, I want to give you kudos for such a beautiful, beautiful encouragement that you give to the sister who wanted to know what to do while she's in an unequally yoked relationship. What a beautiful advice that you gave to her. And Lastly, Tony the Truck Driver I'm so sorry for your loss. I pray for the Ramirez family that God will touch them, that God will wrap his arms around them, that God would comfort them, and God would provide for them. It's a name of Jesus…

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tubelessxhopeful · 4 years

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Hi - I’m Em. I’ve started this blog to let my feelings and thoughts and everything in between out. I’ve been through ectopic pregnancies 4 times and have unfortunately lost my tubes. This post I’m posting now was written during my third ectopic in august 2020 and when I was losing my left tube. I’m hoping this can be an outlet for me and all the crazy thoughts. Since writing the below post, I lost my only remaining tube to my fourth ectopic on January 31/2021 and we are now going to be starting our journey with ivf.

OLD POST ~ WRITTEN AUGUST 2020

Ectopic pregnancy was never something that came to mind when worrying about getting pregnant, I honestly didn’t even really know about it until I was one of the unfortunate women that had to go through it for the first time in 2018. I always worried about fertility issues or miscarriage or still births (all absolutely horrendous situations as well) but ectopic was not even in the back of my mind.

I know I’m not the only one who’s been through this nor will I be the last.

I can’t even put into words the gut wrenching feeling that came over me the first time I was diagnosed in June 2018. I had no idea I was pregnant for almost 2 months before I took a test (obviously I wasnt tracking my cycles at the time...oops.) literally the day after I got my positive pregnancy test I started having extreme pain. Pain that doubled me over and tears running down my face. I knew something was wrong. This first pregnancy wasn’t planned but honestly, as soon as I got the positive I started planning my husband and my future with our new baby in my head. I could picture a little one with us and how our lives would be. That all got ripped away.

I spent 5 days in the hospital with what they define as a pregnancy of unknown location (PUL.) I got countless blood tests and many ultrasounds until finally my gynaecologist diagnosed it as a non viable pregnancy. I had the option to either receive a double shot of methotrexate which is a chemotherapy drug that kills fast developing cells which ultimately ends the non viable pregnancy or I could have laparoscopic surgery. I chose methotrexate.

After the shot, the pain doesn’t end there. Methotrexate depletes your body of folate and makes you feel like absolute garbage in general. You have to get blood tests constantly to monitor your HCG (pregnancy hormone) to ensure the medication is in fact working. I was miserable. On top of the sickness from the medication, you still feel completely pregnant. It’s extremely hard. You bleed, you pass clots and it can take a very long time for your HCG to reach non pregnant levels. The scariest part of this is that until your levels go below 5 you are still at risk of the ectopic rupturing where ever it is implanted. This is a medical emergency and you can hemorrhage and bleed out internally very quickly. You have to have someone with you 24/7 incase you rupture because the pain is usually so severe that you pass out. Luckily I have the best mother in the world who flew to Newfoundland from New Brunswick to stay with me. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t do housework, I couldn’t do light lifting AT ALL for the risk of rupture was there.

With this first experience it took me almost 2 months for my hormones to reach non pregnant levels and pregnancy symptoms to subside.

After your levels reach 0 you have to start taking folic acid again to replenish your body and can’t start trying for another baby for 3 months as methotrexate can harm a fetus and lack of folate can cause birth defects.

Steve and I decided not to try again until after our wedding in 2019.

In that time I got an HSG test done to check if my tubes were clear which is a pretty uncomfortable proceedure that they put a catheter up through and push dye through your Fallopian tubes. To my surprise and happiness - my tubes were clear and looked perfect.

Flash forward to December 2019 - we decided this was our month. We tried again and found out we were pregnant again the second week of January. I couldn’t believe we got pregnant again so quick. I felt so lucky that we could get pregnant easily and we were scared but also excited. I honestly believed this would work out. About a week after finding out I was pregnant I doubled over at work, sweating and felt like I was in the worst pain of my life. I thought I was going to pass out. It’s a pain I can’t describe and unlike anything I’ve ever felt with anything else. I knew it was ectopic again.

I went to the hospital in the morning after work as I was on night shift. They did an ultrasound and immediately found my ectopic in my left tube.

Once again, I chose methotrexate. I mean, who wants to go into surgery if you can avoid it, right?

I was able to go home from the hospital the same day with the promise that someone would be with me to monitor me 24/7. My amazing mom came once again to stay with me so that Steve could go back to work.

This time it took about 5 weeks for my levels to drop to 0.

5 weeks of feeling pregnant and knowing our child wouldn’t survive.

5 weeks of feeling like absolute death from methotrexate.

5 weeks of emotional turmoil.

5 weeks of wondering what I did to cause this.

5 weeks of trying to pretend I was okay to the outside world so they wouldn’t worry.

5 weeks of bloodwork and doctor visits.

5 weeks of tears and pain and feeling so bad.

So - we waited for my levels to get to non pregnant levels. I started taking folic acid. I started exercising to lose weight and making my body the healthiest I’ve ever been. I lost 30 pounds. I did everything under the sun to try to prevent this. Maybe I just had bad luck and the third time would be the time it all works out.

1 in 50 pregnancies are ectopic which is about 2% of pregnancies. I can’t POSSIBLY have another one. I did the testing, my tubes are clear. We were just unlucky.

We decided we would try again in June. We didn’t get pregnant. So we tried again in July.

We got our positive. I was again so thankful that we don’t have the fertility problems that many couples deal with.

But - the feeling of dread came over me immediately. I think one of the shittiest things people who’ve been through pregnancy loss is that we can never be truly excited about a pregnancy. There’s always that feeling of terror and dread that we will once again go through the worst thing that’s ever happened to us.

I immediately got blood work done, I got 3 blood tests done in a week as levels are supposed to double every 48 hours in a normal pregnancy.

Mine were looking great! But I still couldn’t breathe. I still couldn’t enjoy this. I was terrified.

We went on vacation and we had an amazing time. At the start of our vacation I did have bleeding and went to the emergency room (2 hours away from our campsite) to see if everything was okay. They couldn’t see anything on the ultrasound but the gynaecologist said it was too early to see anything anyway but there was nothing obvious in my tube and to wait it out.

We spent the week camping and having fun.

I still had the feeling of dread, though. I felt something was wrong but kept telling myself STATISTICALLY this pregnancy should be normal. I can’t possibly have a THIRD.

My bloodwork continued to rise normal which isn’t typical in ectopics so my doctor kept reassuring me that I was probably okay.

I worked my weekend of nights but I couldn’t settle. I went to the emergency room Monday morning where they did another scan and couldn’t see anything in uterus or tubes. It was likely an unviable pregnancy and I was told it was yet another pregnancy of unknown location at this time. I left the ER but as soon as I got home I had extreme cramping and bleeding. I rushed back to the hospital. I got admitted after about 18 hours of waiting so they could monitor my pregnancy hormone and do another ultrasound on Thursday.

We were devastated. We knew this was going to be yet another loss for us. We couldn’t believe it.

On Thursday the 13th of August I got my 3rd internal ultrasound which once again showed nothing anywhere. We still don’t know where the pregnancy is but if it’s not showing in my uterus, it’s not viable and has implanted somewhere else.

My hormone was rising pretty good. I didn’t understand.

I’m writing this as I try to cope with another loss. Another let down.

As a woman I feel like I’m letting my husband down. I feel like I can’t do the one thing women are “supposed” to be able to naturally do. What is wrong with my body? What did I do to deserve this?

I opted for surgery this time. In hopes to find this pregnancy somewhere so it can be removed as well as try to figure out why this has happened 3 times.

There is clearly something going on inside to cause these ectopics that needs to be looked at internally and hopefully fixed.

the thought of surgery made my mind race.

I may lose one of my tubes.

I may lose both of my tubes.

I may lose an ovary.

I may lose part of my reproductive system and It’s terrifying.

The only thing I want in life is to be a mom. I want to watch my belly grow, I want to give birth. I want that experience so bad. It scares me so much that this may never happen. I hope so much that this will be the last time we need to go through this. I would give anything to have a happy healthy pregnancy for myself and for Steve. Because although my body is going through this - it is also his loss and his pain as well. I can’t stand to see the look of sadness on his face again and hate seeing him so scared for me. It’s so unfortunate that us, as a newlywed couple will never get the experience of being truly happy and excited about a pregnancy like majority of couples can. We will always worry the moment that positive tests shows up and I can’t explain how devastating that is.

Pregnancy loss affects a relationship and I’m so very lucky that although we’ve only been together for 6 years (not even married a year yet) that these losses and experiences have not broken us. It has made us stronger. It has made me realize that Steve truly meant his vows and will fight for me and with me every step of the way; whatever life throws at us. I’m so grateful for him and so grateful for the amazing friends and family that I have to support me through this, multiple times.

Today I wait for surgery. I may be able to get squeezed in today, I may not. All I know is I have such hope that this will be the last time we have to lose a child and face this problem.

My heart aches for any woman or couple that has to deal with any sort of pregnancy loss or fertility issues. It’s so hard to explain the feeling to someone who hasn’t gone through it but I hope I could shed some light. Hope is always there and if anyone needs to talk - I am here. I may not understand your personal journey completely but I will listen.

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neckdeepinchicagosadness · 7 years

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Life: An Update

I think it’s about time that I put the last 8 months or so into words. It’s been one hell of a roller coaster. Warning: it’s really long and parts can be triggering.

I guess I’ll start back at the beginning of May. I had jUst finished my spring semester with decent grades, and I had to move out of my dorm for the summer. At this point i had decided that I was done with dorm life and wanted to move into a house or apartment with a friend (we’ll call her Lindsay for anonymity). She and I began house hunting but her lease didn’t end until June. So technically at this point i was homeless. She let me stay in her apartment while we went house hunting, but we decided not to sign onto anything due to funds, and timing. I was about to head to Albuquerque to spend a month visiting my family that i hadn't seen in a year (I had to miss Christmas that year because marching band had a bowl game that we were required to attend). It made sense at the time just to wait the two months. So we shared a room for a month until I left.

Once in New Mexico, i finally got the chance to unwind from the semester. I got caught up with my family, and met one of the coolest people i know. She’s literally my only friend in NM right now (working on getting more though). The month flew by between hiking, camping, smoking a lot of really good weed, exercise, and getting my two tattoos, and buying my first car. It should also be said that my girlfriend (lets call her Dani) and I took a month away from our relationship at this point because of distance. She was studying abroad in canada, and I was well, still in NM. I didn’t end up hooking up with anyone in this time, but took it more as a chance to look at what i wanted in my life. Things seemed pretty clear then. little did I know that when I got back to Louisiana i would be stepping into the worst 6 months of my life. I left Albuquerque at the beginning of July, and drove my Honda Element 1200 miles home.

The day i arrived back, i found myself homeless once again, but at least I had a car. I had been communicating with Lindsay about where we would be living. Apparently I didn't make my return date clear enough to her, even though i told her i was driving back two days prior. When i arrived, I was met with anger about my lack of communication, and berated with excuses about how she didn't have the money to find a new place with me, and that her family wanted her home. I could have just been told these thing earlier, but instead they were screamed at me the second i got back, and I was kicked out of her apartment. i had been keeping my things there over the month, and had to move them to my girlfriend’s parents house (they had a guest house they let me use as storage). Her excuses were valid however, and i understood that our plans weren’t going to work out and that was okay. The same result could have come without the anger though and I was hurt on the first day back. Not much of a homecoming.

From there I began to panic. I was more homeless than before. I had to couch surf for about 2 weeks between friends and felt like a complete loser and burden on everyone around me. I had to find a place. I began searching for 1 bedroom apartments within my budget. I guess i should mention now that my parents had been in a financially tight spot since I left for college and i was essentially on my own. They really couldn't help with rent as they could barely make their own. Anyway, I really couldn't find much until a friend of my Dani’s gave me a tip on a place that was on the same property he lived on. A 1 bed 1 bath for 500. I could have made that work, but i saw the 2 Bed 2 Bath that was also on the property for 800 a month and was drawn to it. This house would become my living hell for the next 3 months or so. Here is where some backstory is needed.

Back in late March or early April, i met a friend who shared my weed smoking pastime, let’s call her Shelly. Shelly is a short, strong, proud black woman with a rough family history. She was also my dorm neighbor. Shelly, Dani, and I became fast friends. At some point in the semester, Shelly had to turn to selling her weed to make her school payments. One day at her dorm, her suppliers came through. Lets call them Jack and Amy. Jack and Amy were a couple, and had recently found out that amy was about 2.5 to 3 months pregnant (yea, three months). They too were climbing out of homelessness but for reasons they didn't exactly make clear at any time. Dani and I were hesitant to become friends with them, as they were drug dealers. Jack was a twitchy, skinny white boy who liked to talk out his ass. He would talk like he knew how everything worked, even when many times he did not. And he would never admit he was wrong. If you corrected him his response was always “well that's what i meant.” Amy was a sweet, short white girl, who obviously loved Jack. She was funny and nice. Two peas in a really fucked up pod. I would only see them here and there. I never really reached out to them. That is until I saw that 2 bed 2 bath for 800 a month.

Now without roommates to make the rent cheaper i reached out to Shelly. Dani’s parents wouldn’t let us move in together unless it meant we were moving towards marriage. We had only been together for a year and a half at this point and I just wasn’t ready for that level of commitment. Shelly was excited about the house but making 400 dollars a month before utilities was tough for both of us. She thought of Jack and Amy and we both thought, well shit with 4 of us in the house we could make rent super cheap. Amy was 7.5 months pregnant at this point. Me being someone who sees the good in people, then decided it would good to give these two a chance to get on their feet. So we all agreed to get this house and work together to lift each other up. Sounds like a dream right? Well it was.

We moved in at the end of July. Things seemed to be going well. Jack and I began working on the garden, as it was COMPLETELY overgrown. The house looked so nice. The bug problem was being handled. Jack and Amy didn’t have jobs, but they had decided to give their future child up for adoption. They knew they were not in a position to raise it themselves. This may have been the only good decision they ever made. They made their rent money from selling drugs (which i kept telling them to stop doing) and assistance from the adoption agency. Shelly was also between jobs and selling drugs. It became a weed trap house. The house was in the sketchy part of town and strange things would happen here and there. For example, one night we had a meth addict who was super high try and wander onto the property. When we stopped her (armed with gardening tools) she told us that we shouldn't talk to her because she spoke with ghosts. She was also trying to break into an abandoned house behind ours. The sound of gunshots and police sirens was commonplace. But out little island seemed to be separated from this most of the time (besides the time we found squatters in the still unoccupied 1 bedroom next to us).

Then things began to take a turn for the worst. Shelly one day went to make a drug deal with one of her clients who suspiciously didn't come all the way into the property, but back in at the end of the driveway. When she went to make the trade, they gave her counterfeit (poorly counterfeit mind you) money and drove off with the product. This left a sour taste in Shelly, Jack, and Amy’s mouths. I mostly had the feeling of “we are now in danger” but kept my mouth shut. I told them never to make deals with anyone they didn’t know super well. They brushed me off like i was dumb.

Literally later that evening, Shelly had another client pull into the driveway but they didn't get our of their car, which again seemed odd. Jack, Amy, and I watched out the window nervously while Dani was doing her own thing in my room. Amy asked me to go check on her slyly while getting something out of my car. I agreed and went outside. Jack and Amy for some reason followed after me. As i was searching my car i felt a shift in the vibe right before Shelly screamed out “He’s got a gun!”. I froze only thinking of if Dani was somewhere safe. Shelly ran behind Dani’s car, her rent’s worth in weed already gone, while jack charged the car, screaming “What the fuck?! What the FUCK?!” what the fuck is right. Like what the fuck was he thinking?? Was he trying to get shot. As jack ran back to Amy screaming “She’s pregnant!” (an excuse that would become commonplace) the car peeled off out of the property. Shelly was sobbing behind Dani’s car. I had to scream at her “Get in the house....IF YOU DO ONE THING RIGHT NOW IT IS THAT YOU GET THE FUCK UP AND IN THE FUCKING HOUSE!!”. We four bolted into the house. My heart was racing but i was oddly calm. I went to Dani, i gabbed her and hugged her tight, and explained what had just happened. Jack and Amy were in their room shaking and crying. Shelly was in her room crying as well. All i could think was that those people come back for our lives. I got Jack, Amy, and Shelly in one spot and told them “you are done. Done with the selling, done being unemployed, DONE.” They just nodded in agreement. I then demanded they get into Dani’s car and we dropped them off at Shelly’s dorm that she still had due to her contract not ending until the end of that month.

Dani and I sat in the car in silence until I told her “say what you need to say.” “I told you so” was what she told me. And i couldn’t stop laughing. Because of all the things she could have said or done, she said “I told you so”. Not “we’re through” not “Fuck you.” I told you so. And she was right. She did warn me not to get involved with these people. And i didn’t listen. We drove to Baton Rouge to spend the night with a friend. Somehow we ended up having an NSFW adventure of our own that night. I guess we were living the day like it could’ve been our last.

And life went on. It went on getting worse. In the weeks that followed our brush with death, Shelly fell into a deep depression. She stopped taking care of herself. Stopped showering, cleaning her bathroom, stopped eating or doing her part around the house. And she couldn't pay her rent. On top of that everyone involved, myself included, felt a strong resentment towards her for bringing what happened to the house. After a certain point we all agreed that she had to go. We told her she had pack her things and leave. She wasn’t happy about this but she went along with it anyways. She would go on to spend the semester at her parents home, and would get a job quickly. It seemed as though she learned her lesson and got her life together. We actually hang out here and there now. But i keep my guard up.

This is where the abuse really begins. For maybe 2 weeks things were great in the house. We would cook together, have fun together, bring Amy to her doctor's appointments (they didn’t have a car), and support each other. Then Jack began to have these mood swings. We would wake up and he would just scowl at us, not saying a word. He’d go outside and work in the yard, but angrily. If I offered to help he would either say nothing and ignore my presence completely, or would snap at me. He would be this way all day. The next day he’d be fine. One day after Dani had spent the night, she decided to help out around the house by doing the dishes before we left for class. Our dishwasher was a piece of crap that wouldn't actually wash the dishes. Dani didn’t really know the extent of this though so she loaded the dishes, ran it, and put them away. Later that day she and I got paragraph after paragraph from Jack and Amy about how we never helped around the house, how the dishes were disgusting, and that Jack would do all the dishes from then on. We said we were sorry and that it was fine if Jack wanted to do the dishes. We began to keep the rest of the house in better shape, sweeping the floors and picking up after them. We would leave the dished for Jack. And they wouldn't get done. Until one night he decided to do them, at 3:30 in the morning, as loudly as possible, slamming pots and pans into the sink, waking Dani and I up so that we knew he was doing them, but that he wasn’t happy about it. When we tried to talk to him about it, he would give us the cold shoulder. This sort of behavior would continue.

At one point Jack demanded that Dani and I take better care of the house and that by the end of every night he wanted the dishes done, trash taken out, garbage picked up around the house, bathrooms cleaned, and floors swept. But he didn’t tell us this as though he and Amy would be helping, just that Dani and I had to do it. So back to dishes it was for us. At another point they asked us to use the other bathroom rather than the one we shared between our rooms because their room was small and they could hear us every time we used it and it would wake Amy up cause she was sensitive being at this point 9 months pregnant. She was about to pop any day. So we agreed and moved our things into the other bathroom. We continued to have these communication problems, but my phone had broken so anytime there was a problem, Jack and Amy felt it was appropriate to berate Dani with texts while she was in class. She would come to me sobbing as these texts were unreasonably rude, saying things about how we don’t understand what it’s like to be having a kid (as if that had anything to do with how we kept the house), that we aren’t home enough, how we are ungrateful for the things they do for the house. I remind you the reader that these dicks still didn’t have jobs. Another note I believe is important to add. The month before, Jack and Amy didn’t have their rent money because it had basically all been stolen, and Dani out of the kindness of her heart, lent them 500 dollars to pay their rent and utilities. I now know that she didn’t do this for them, but so that I wouldn’t be out of a home again. Finally one day Dani had enough of Jack’s shit and told him, if he has a problem to wait till we got home, or to message me. Jack didn’t take this well and began to ignore Dani at every change. Amy would defend Jack’s actions saying that “oh he’s just a virgo, and he’s just like that” but those were shitty excuses. She would apologize for him, but that never satisfied me, because he didn’t take responsibility for his own actions.

Finally the day came where Amy had her kid. We drove them to the hospital and made sure they were all good. After the entire adoption process, they were given 4,000 dollars for giving their child away. Money that should have gone to a car, rent, and utilities. its mid October or so by this point. It continues to get worse. By this point, Dani is nervous to ever come over, or spend the night at my place. Jack and Amy, after their return home have began to do nothing productive. They would sit on the couch, play video games, smoke weed all day, and clean nothing. The dishes piled up out of the sink and onto the counters. At this point we had already done that amount of dishes 3 times a week if not more. When we asked Jack about when they would help we were told “We just had a kid, you don’t understand” as if that got them off of chore duty.

In the background of all this Dani had been getting her paperwork done to spend a semester in Paris. As a going away gift she wanted to get me a comfort animal as my anxiety began to skyrocket because of the living situation. My grades were suffering, and i even had to drop a class because of the lack of sleep i would get from their passive aggressive midnight cleaning sessions. Eventually, Dani and i began spending our weekends at the animal shelter looking to adopt this beautiful calico, Lovey. After weeks of visiting, we decided it was time to take her home. We talked to Jack and Amy about the cat, and how it would not only be good for me but also for Amy’s post-partum depression. They thought it would be a good idea too and agreed. Then one day they told us to “stop talking about the cat until we know when it’s coming home” so we did, and when we knew we told them. I brought the cat home on a friday. She was a nervous cat, and hid the entire time i had her. That tuesday while i was at class, i received a wave of texts on FB about “how [we] don’t understand what its like to give up a child and that the cat only reminds us of our kid. How could you bring this animal home when you're never home (i was always home after class and work mind you) and it just makes Amy sad and suicidal.” and while he was right that we’d never know the pain of giving a child away, their mental health was not mine or Dani’s responsibility. But they went on berating me about the cat, until they told me that “we just can’t deal with the cat around. We just cant”. They were telling me to take her back, without saying the words “take the cat back”. I arrived home, and pulled the cat out from its hiding place, sobbing the whole time as she meowed at me. All i could say was “i know lovey, i know, i know, i know. I love you, i know”. i couldn't stop crying as i put the cat in her carriage, and drove her to the shelter. My heart wouldn't stop hurting for days.

When I got back to the house, jack was (finally) doing the dishes. I got in and told him “i’m moving out soon.” i had had enough. But they’re master manipulators and got me to stay after we had a shouting match about how I was going to put them out on the street again. I wasn’t. I was going to make sure they had someone who would make sure they could keep the house, but all they could scream was “fuck you you're making us homeless again, how could you do this. You made a commitment and you're just scared to see it through” I made a commitment to not be homeless and be happy. Not to be psychologically abused with cold shoulders, passive aggression, and guilt trips. When they said “well what about the cat you just got (with a fucking rude tone)” I told them i had already brought her back that day and that was why i had had enough. They began to swear up and down that that’s not what they wanted me to do, but they were liars and i knew it because when i was on the ground sobbing about it amy told me “well, maybe now you sort of know the pain we feel about giving our kid away”. Fuck that. What a fucking shitty thing to say. It makes me furious just to write about it. But still i told them i wouldn't leave them stranded. I continued to stay at the house until i got our utility bill for 350 dollars in electricity alone. The house was no longer affordable with just us 3 in there now and them having no jobs. On top of the fact that going there would send me into panic attacks. When rent came that month, they barely had it, even though they told me they had 2000 saved just for rent and utilities. But they didn’t. They spent it all on video games and weed. All of it. And I know they actually got 4k for the adoption because i held the check in my hands.

These bastards became emotional and financial parasites on me and Dani. We would have to pay for food for the house while being miserable in what was supposed to be where we get away from the daily stress of school. I had already begun looking for a place at this point, and Dani would stay in her dorm. We tried one last time to attempt to make things better for us. It was a wednesday in october, maybe a week before Halloween. We walked in after class to find Jack and Amy tripping on LSD. We thought to ourselves “ok fine we’ll just let them be” and we went in our room to discuss dinner. Amy came to our room to say hi, and let us know that we were welcome there, and that they were okay. Jack from across the house then called us into the game rooms they had made while we weren't there (they moved all the furniture including the couch into the office room right next to theirs just to spite us a few days before), saying “hey come smoke this weed, y’all need it more than we do”. it was funny and sounded inviting. When we entered the room however, it was anything but. Jack was shaking on the step up to his room, holding his hand in a gun shape to his head (think Kim Pine in Scott Pilgrim) saying “you need to get out Leo, you need to just get the fuck out of my face”. he then got up to charge me, and i threw my hands up and back out of the room. Dani was behind me and we ran to my room. We could hear Jack screaming “GET OUT, GET THE FUCK OUT, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO GIVE UP YOUR KID GET OUT!” Amy tried to reassure us that it was okay and that he was just tripping really hard, but it wasn't okay. Their weed dealer passed through, and then Dani’s friend (who was our neighbor who tipped me about the place) came by to drop something off to her. While he was talking to us Jack kept screaming through the wall at us saying “YOU WOULD RATHER BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE. FUCK YOU”. He was right, i did want to be anywhere but there. I was barely standing my knees were shaking so much from fear. I honestly believed Jack wanted to hurt me and Dani. So we gathered our clothes, and left for Dani’s dorm. The second i was in the car i told her “that’s it, the next time we come here its to move out”

I waited a few days till Jack and Amy wanted to talk to me about what happened. They said they didn’t remember anything of that night so i told them what happened and that because of their actions i cannot stay there. They understood at first, but as it sat with them after our conversation, their understanding turned to anger. They tried to tell me that the District Attorney said that i wouldn't be able to break the lease. They were dead wrong as there was an entire section of the lease dedicated to how to break the lease, and it said that I would either have to pay the rest of the year’s rent, OR find someone to take my spot. When i literally copy and pasted this part and sent it to them, they told me i couldn't just make them live with someone i chose. I told them tough shit i actually can. I then e-mailed the landlord about what had been happening and that i was giving my 30 days move out notice. He told me to find someone to take my place and i agreed. 10 minutes later he emails me saying “i just spoke to the other residents, you can just consider yourself off the lease.”

I felt free.

I forgot to discuss how through all of this Dani was severely sick. She came down with a cough that turned into viral bronchitis in September, and her tonsils became so swollen they had to be removed. Her surgery was just after the child was born, and she was out of commission for 2 whole week. I was essentially her caregiver as her parents didn't want to do it. This put a decent level of strain on our relationship as it was all happening at the same time.

i felt the weight lift off my shoulders finally. I moved my clothes into Dani’s room and a few days later, my friends helped me move my things into a storage unit. I would spend the rest of October (like 5 days) and all of November in Dani’s dorm while i house hunted.

But then Dani and I began fighting. Alot. She began to act manic, and would freak out every time something didn't go to plan. Her calendar is her life, and that fine, but it got to a point where she would essentially have to write me into her schedule. Everyday we would fight about small things, until i asked her “have you stopped taking your anxiety meds?” She looked so disappointed in herself because i was right. She had stopped, and it was apparent. She got back on her meds and things got better, but with the end of the semester approaching we had to start having another heartbreaking conversation. We were breaking up when she left for Paris. We decided that this was what was best for us in coming months, as i need to be present where i am and getting back on my feet as an adult, with no help. I had become dependent on Dani for emotional and financial support over these months and i felt like a bad boyfriend. On top of that, she would be across the world, and i don't want her to miss out on any part of her experience while she’s there, because she's thinking and worrying about me stateside. We both agreed that this is what’s best and that we will look at our future together or apart when she return. We are both taking these next 6 or so months to self explore. I love her very much and I want her happiness. I will miss her so much as I do already, while i visit my family in NM for the holidays.

It should also be said that Dani and my mom helped my find the coolest 1 bedroom 1 bath studio right next to my campus, and I have already signed on and started moving in. I can’t wait to see what life has in store for me, and how i grow when i have my own space where i can follow my passion of music, without the fear of judgement of my roommates.

Here’s to 2018. Truly a new year new me scenario!

#Life #months #abuse #update #fear #love #home #homeless #money #finance #breakup #growth #grow #2018 #2017 #fuck #goddamn #users #addicts #8 months #Song material #writing #long #rough #bad time

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infertilitycoping · 7 years

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My story

When my husband and I first started this journey we didn’t even know we were on it. It was early in our relationship when we decided to “stop preventing” and “see what happens.” We told ourselves we weren’t really trying because we both knew it was too soon to be talking kids. We were only dating. It was irresponsible and reckless to try so soon. But in our hearts we both wanted children, and in our young love we were eager to take the risk. We were casual about it though, not worried about timing or cycles. Just a blind faith in our love and that it would be easy.

And then nothing happened.

After about a year and a half of “not worrying” about it…I was starting to worry a little. I couldn’t help it. I voiced this concern to my DR at my next obgyn appointment. He informed me that I do have a tilted uterus, but wouldn’t likely prevent pregnancy and is relatively common. After the usual check-up, an ultrasound, and some basic blood work, I could almost believe my DR when he said everything looked normal and healthy. My DR gave me some information about timing intercourse and a prescription for folic acid. So the research began…and the tracking on an app…and the timing of sex…and we really began more actively trying. At the same time, we really wanted to not let ourselves get too wrapped up in trying to conceive.

But it didn’t work.

I really started to notice those around me getting pregnant, you know, “without even meaning to.” We had a few close friends get pregnant, but the worst was seeing my younger coworkers all around me get pregnant. By now it had probably been three years of not preventing. And, I have to say, it was starting to get to us. Exactly what we didn’t want to happen was happening. I had even starting using ovulation test kits for the last few months. I wanted to confirm that I did, in fact, ovulate. However, it only put more pressure on us. I found myself feeling sad and depressed. I tried to attribute these feelings to anything other than the fact I hadn’t gotten pregnant yet. I was only 25 and it was way too early to allow myself to wallow in the baby blues.

So we took a step back.

We needed to. Our relationship was going through a rough time, somewhat related and somewhat not. We decided to have fun and find adventures. This meant vacations and music festivals. And I highly recommend it. My husband and I overcame our obstacles and from it our relationship grew stronger, we became closer. We never took measures to prevent pregnancy though.

Nothing happened, but that was okay, really.

After some time, we were ready to try again. And much more seriously this time. I got the basal thermometer, the charts, a new app, ovulation test kits, etc. We also got a sperm analysis and the results were relatively average with some lower morphology and mobility. What we heard? Not impossible. The sperm and tilted uterus were two factors we knew of which could be making conception difficult, but we kept trying.

And still nothing happened.

Well, nothing inside my uterus. Outside, however, was quite busy! We were finally engaged and for the next year, I was busy wedding planning. Once we were married (November, 2015), we moved right on to buying a house. I had long ago stopped doing the charts and ovulation tests. Instead, we just kept to a simple schedule: intercourse every other day from day 12 to 18, more or less. After all this time we weren’t looking to stop trying, but we were busy and it was too emotionally draining to be focusing on getting pregnant every month. Some months we timed perfectly, some months we had too much going on.

In the end, it didn’t matter. I still was not pregnant.

We moved into our first home this past June (2016). In July, I did the HSG tubal test to check that my tubes were open. They are. By November, we went to our first appointment with an infertility clinic. After rechecking some things like sperm and hormones, the conclusion is unexplained infertility. By January we had new health insurance which will cover 3 rounds of IUI and 2 IVF cycles.

We did our first IUI procedure last month in March. The round was medicated using Clomid, Ovidrel, two inseminations, and progesterone (Crinone). It felt so good to be doing something more proactive to help us conceive and I was very positive. When it failed I was crushed, but also…hormones. I’d been trying so hard to hold it all together and not let these negative thoughts cave in on me. When those cramps finally start it’s hard to sit there and tell yourself it really will be okay. On those days, you really do just need to cry. And cry I did. But soon enough I was ready to rinse and repeat.

We are now coming to the end of our second IUI. This round was a bit more “going through the motions” for me. I could tell it had failed when the sensitivity in my nipples began to dissipate. The home pregnancy tests are so very clearly stark-white negative and I’m now waiting for my period. My cramping tells me I won’t have to wait long.

We will be waiting until June to begin the 3rd round. We have a few concerts in May we are going to which may end up conflicting with any appointments, plus I feel the need to take a break.

When you go into infertility treatments, you don’t really know if you’re on a sprint or long distance run. It’s difficult trying to find an emotional balance between them. You want to be cautiously optimistic amidst all the pain and doubt.

I created this blog to help myself and others struggling share and cope with infertility. I believe my journey will be worth every moment in the end. I have every hope that I will be able to carry and delivery a healthy, beautiful child. I also know that conception or adoption, whatever my path may be, I will be a mom.

#my story #ttc #infertility #iui #iui procedure #journey #trying to conceive

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iastroboti · 5 years

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How Long The Zodiacs Would Survive The Bird Box

Aries (March 21 - April 19): You'd Immediately Speed Off Without A Blindfold

Aries’ are energetic and love to initiate things, sometimes without considering the dangers and consequences.

When they hear a news report about strange suicides, instead of seeking a safe house until everything blows over, they'd likely drive off at full speed with no blindfold - Aries do nothing by halves. If they run into a strange creature, they might stop the car, exit the vehicle, and take a look. And then they would meet their demise.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20): You'd Starve After Patiently Waiting For Danger To Pass

Tauruses don't give up easily and are perfectly happy to play the long game if it increases their chances of winning. Their patience coupled with intelligence means Tauruses who experience a Bird Box scenario would stick around for a while, finding somewhere safe to hide and refusing to leave unless absolutely necessary.

After running out of stockpiled food a year later, they might perform a simple risk-reward assessment, probably figuring they had a better chance of survival by staying put and waiting for a rescue party instead of taking a chance on venturing outside. But by being cautious, they risk starving if nobody comes to save them.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20): You'd Trust A Stranger And End Up Jumping Out A Window

Geminis are among the kindest people you'll meet. They have a childlike innocence that leads them to give people the benefit of the doubt. In Bird Box, however, this trait could be their downfall.

While seeking refuge in a safe house, they might let someone else in who promises they are sane and certainly won't tear open the curtains and force everyone to gaze at the creature. Trusting Geminis, not willing to believe their housemate is bluffing, will see the creature and might end up throwing themselves through a top-story window.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22): You'd Try To Make It On Your Own, But Ultimately Fail

Cancers are emotional, highly imaginative, and loyal to their closest friends. In Bird Box, they'd likely bide their time in the safe house, but eventually wouldn't be able to trust strangers.

They might want to leave the safe house to increase their chances of survival. But without friends and family who understand their mood swings and emotional sensitivity, they could end up floundering on their own, vulnerable to any creatures that come their way.

Leo (July 23 - August 22): You'd Sacrifice Yourself As The Team Leader

Leos are natural leaders who like to take charge and help others. In Bird Box, they would be concerned with the big picture: surviving. Their innate ability and desire to look after and govern others might gain them respect and help them survive, but eventually, these leadership traits would lead to their undoing.

Doing the right thing is of the utmost importance to Leos, so they might sacrifice themselves to save their loved ones.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22): You'd Be Doomed By Your Attempts To Outsmart The Creature

Chances are good the hardest worker in the room is a Virgo. They're always laboring away at something and are often working on multiple projects. Virgos concern themselves with small details and minutiae.

Their thoroughness and methodical approach, however, might not serve them well in Bird Box because they would probably try to experiment with what is and isn't possible to survive. They'd look at the creature on CCTV and fall under its influence.

Libra (September 23 - October 22): Your Tendency To Compromise Would Lead You Into Danger

When tensions are high, it's helpful to have a Libra in the room. Libras are masters of compromise and help diffuse difficult situations.

In Bird Box, when food supplies dwindle, a Libra would accompany their companions on a blindfolded trip to the supermarket even when their inner voice screams "no." When they got to the supermarket, they'd find a former co-worker who's a little crazy locked in a room. They'd release the co-worker, who would go berserk and attack everyone in sight. The loyal Libra would have no option but to sacrifice themselves for the good of the group.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21): You'd Fall Victim To Your Need For Solitude

Scorpios crave alone time and are quick to anger if they don't get it. In Bird Box, they'd stay in the safe house with others while seeking a corner where they could sit alone with their own thoughts.

Eventually, the claustrophobia and confinement with total strangers would be too much. They'd wander outside and climb into a burning car where they would finally be alone. Forever.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21): You'd Rip Off Your Blindfold Right Away

Being thrown into a post-apocalyptic nightmare isn't exactly a laugh-a-minute experience. Luckily, Sagittarius’ have a great sense of humor and would keep spirits high and jokes coming throughout the ordeal.

That said, Sagittarius’ are also idealistic and very impatient. A few minutes into the Bird Box epidemic, a Sagittarius would probably rip off their blindfold, look at the creature, and respond in such a way that the laughter stops permanently.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19): Thanks To Your Pessimism, You'd Probably Survive

Capricorns are naturally pessimistic and expect the worst - anything better is a bonus. They may expect things to turn out badly, but Capricorns are incredibly self-controlled and responsible. This combination of qualities puts them in a great position for surviving in Bird Box.

They would take risks, but only when necessary and proportionate to the threat and possible reward. A Capricorn would take a small boat down the rapids while blindfolded because there's a chance of reaching a better life, and if they die, so be it - everyone dies eventually. Eventually, they would make it all the way down the river to a community where they'd live pessimistically ever after.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18): Your Desire To Be Right Makes You A Goner

Always thinking, Aquarius’ are great visionaries who in Bird Box would probably come up with original ideas to stay alive. They can be seen as aloof and uncompromising, however, which might lead to isolation in the safe house.

So when the end is near for Aquarius’, they might not find any allies around to save them.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20): Your Compassionate Nature Would Be Your Downfall

Pisces’ are incredibly compassionate, selfless, and friendly. But positive traits do not always lead to survival in Bird Box.

Rather than stay safely inside, a Pisces might see a pregnant woman roaming the post-apocalyptic landscape and rush out to invite her in. Pisces’ can't bear to hide behind an impersonal blindfold, so eventually they're going to make eye contact with a creature, turning their selflessness into self-harm.

Weirdly enough, though, according to Google, the ultimate team for Bird Box would be Aries, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces. Also, don’t believe me about Capricorn being the most likely survivor? Check this link: https://www.ranker.com/list/bird-box-survival-zodiac-sign/michael-d-wilson

#bird box #zodiac #zodiac signs #zodiac squad #ranked

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nicumama · 6 years

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How it began!

I am a NICU mommy! My beautiful baby girl has been in the hospital since for almost two months. Honestly, this is the hardest thing I have ever been through and I am not going to sugar coat any of it!

We were thrilled when we found out I was pregnant in February but I was terrified inside. I was so terrified that I would miscarriage and every day that I was still pregnant and my baby’s heart was still beating was a blessing! My husband and I decided we were going to tell no one til I hit my 15 week mark! Everyday we hoped and prayed we would keep this precious baby!

At our 15 week mark, we were didn’t give it a second thought to call, text or video all our friends and family and announce the news our new family member to be. Our whole family was absolutely ecstatic. Life was great and every doctor appointments were great; did the doctor have any concerns, of course! That never dulled our light!

At our last doctors appointment that I was able to go to, was just a simple check up and everything was perfect. We already found out we were having a baby girl at the appointment before that!

The battle started, 26 weeks pregnant, on June 19th, 2018! I was working, stood up from my desk and felt a gush, thinking I may have peed somewhat! I didn’t have any pain, so I never thought anything of it. I just went into the bathroom, made a make shift pad and went about my day like normal! However, I kept feeling small amounts of gushing and became more concerned. I asked two female coworkers who have already had children and they just thought that My baby girl was just kicking or pushing my bladder!

I laid my concern to rest thinking it was perfectly normal and to make sure I added pads to my shopping list! I left the office to run some errands and put my best friend and husband on the phone to tell them the hilarious new pregnancy fun I get to deal with! They both become concerned and don’t think my coworkers are right! My husband then decides to call my doctor and they told him to have me call for more details! I tell him I’ll call but don’t think he should worried!

The doctors told me to get to the hospital immediately, that I could have a simple UTI or it could be more severe as my water breaking! I head to the hospital after talking to coworker to let them know what’s going on and told my husband to meet me there! At this point, I am absolutely in a fit of tears. My best friend got on the phone with me to keep me calm because she knew I always think the worst! All that is going through my head was that my baby girl isn’t going to make it and that I’m going to lose my daughter.

I finally make it to the hospital and go straight to labor and delivery floor! They do an ultrasound and an exam! They tell me that my water broke prematurely! I lose all composure and start balling my eyes out. They get admitted, IV and start fluids and monitors the baby! I’m in the triage for about an hour and right before they get me to a room, they start magnesium in my IV, for the baby’s brain, and give me a shot of steroids in my hip, for the baby’s lungs! That shot hurts so bad! I finally get into a room in the labor & delivery unit!

I was only there for about a day or two, when they moved me to the high risk unit! The doctors came in and talked to me about what our plan was! The big plan was to try and keep my baby girl in til I was 34 weeks pregnant! They put me on antibiotics to prevent infection because now that my membranes were ruptured there wasn’t anything protecting my baby and I! My stay long stay was just getting started!

I only had to be on the on fluids and antibiotics for two days! I still had to keep an IV in but I wasn’t hooked up to anything after I received twelve hours of magnesium, two days of antibiotics and a second shot of steroids in my other hip!

Every morning, I went for an ultrasound! I loved seeing her everyday because for a little while she was an acrobat! One day she would be head down, the next she would be butt down and the next she would be feet down! It was in the same cycle for about 2 weeks! My baby girl decided she wanted to stay butt down for the rest of my stay at the hospital or known as breach! Most of the time, they would print an ultrasound picture out for me, hence why I have so many ultrasound pictures! I would also be put on a monitor twice a day, once during day shift and once during night shift, for twenty minutes to monitor her heart beat and for any signs of contractions! Every three days, I was stuck with a butterfly needle for blood test to make sure I didn’t have any infections and every four days, they moved my IV sight!

Not everyday was a walk in the park, sometimes I would have contractions and others say I would be in a fit of tears from going stir crazy! It was hard on my husband too! He tried to take on everything I did at home and visit me and work! He was a trooper! Every Saturday night, he would stay the night with me!

July 20th, 2018, the doctors and nurses decided to put a midline in because I was getting stuck so much! I didn’t have to get another IV for the rest of my stay because a midline lasts for about a month! I was happy to get that!

I usually had a morning visit from my primary OB/GYN. We would talk, ask questions and he would be on his way til the next morning! July 21st, 2018 was no different, but that night he was leaving for a week and made sure to tell me “not to have the baby til he gets back!” We joked and he was on his way!

July 22nd, 2018, started out like any other day! My husband was already with me and we spent most of the day together! We were laying down watching Netflix and about 3:00pm I had a huge, slamming contraction and I shot up in pain and again a few minutes later! We called the nurse and she ran in and hooked me up to the monitor! There it was, all my contractions on paper and screen! They kept happening and it was painful! They decided to take me back to labor & delivery unit, put me back on magnesium, fluids and pain medications! They pain medicine did not work my contractions were getting worse and I could feeling everything!

By 4:00pm the next day, July 23rd, 2018, I was still in a bit of pain but my contractions were only once every hour. My stomach was a bit tender at this point and we all hoped I wouldn’t have her yet, but they weee worried about infection and decided she needed to come out! By this time, my baby girl had been butt down, breach still! So I already knew that I would have to get a c-section! They scheduled it for 7:30pm that night!

At 7:54pm on July 23rd, 2018 my baby girl, Mya was born, 3Ibs 3oz!

They took her to the NICU shortly after her birth! That’s when our NICU experience started and I became NICU mommy.....

#NICUMommy

To be continued!

#NICUMommy

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momwifeeducator · 6 years

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A Busy Mom’s Tips for Getting Healthy and Loving Yourself Again

June 30, 2017

I should begin by telling you what I am not. I am not a registered dietician. I am not a doctor or nurse, nor do I pretend to be. I am by no means, an expert on weight loss. In fact, I am only about halfway to my goal weight and fitness level. However, I have felt like I could stand to lose weight for about as long as I can remember. Was it easier to keep it off when I was younger? Sure. But I’ve never been super thin. I’ve never really been in shape and I don’t consider myself to be athletic. I despise running and in general, exercise is usually the last thing I would chose to do.

What I am is a mom and a wife. I have a fulltime job (other than being a mom and wife; which is a fulltime job in itself). I am over-scheduled and over-stressed and feel like I never get enough sleep. I am all of those things. And I’m guessing you probably are too.

Let me back up. I should tell you that the idea for this blog did not begin today, but one year ago. My husband and I were on a dream vacation to St. John, without our kids, enjoying the beautiful weather, endless blue ocean, and amazing snorkeling. Because the island is very hilly, we rented a small SUV to navigate the island. One night, Michael suggested we walk to dinner, which was as short, but steep walk up and down a couple hills. At the time, it felt like the worst idea ever. Walking in that heat up and down those hills? I’ll never make it, I thought. And if I do make it, if I do survive, I’ll be a dripping, sweaty mess for dinner. Yuck.

We did it anyway. It was easily the most humiliating activity I’d done since running the mile in middle school PE class. I had to stop several times because my legs were burning and I was out of breath. I just felt like crying. Though it was never Michael’s intention, it was easily my worst moment of the trip.

When we got back from vacation a few days later, something inside me changed. That was it. I had had enough. I was tired of being overweight, out-of-shape, and tired all the time. I was tired of feeling disgusted in my own body and feeling like I couldn’t fit in any of my clothes. It was embarrassing that I couldn’t even go for a walk on vacation because the hill was too steep. I felt disgusted with myself. How did I get here? I asked myself several times a day.

I’ve had some time since then to think about that question; How did I get there? I got there because I got pregnant and gave birth to three gorgeous boys, each time not really losing all the baby weight. I got there because I truly hated exercising and never did it, though I knew I should. I got there because I told myself I was always too busy for the gym and that I actually wasn’t as out of shape as I thought. I got there because I love eating yummy, delicious, not-so-healthy food.

Gaining weight affected all parts of my life. For starters, my confidence level dropped dramatically. I never thought I looked good in anything, unless it was loose and baggy clothing. I never wanted to try anything new because I automatically felt that I wouldn’t be good at it. For example, my sisters and dad would go golfing for Father’s Day every year. I never went because I was sure I wouldn’t be able to hit the golf ball, nor did I have an appropriate outfit that fit me. I refused to exercise because I thought I wouldn’t be able to keep up in the class. I thought everyone would look at me and wonder why I was so out of shape.

The drop in confidence affected my work too. Ever hear the saying “dress for success?” What I wore affected how I felt about myself and my ability to teach. I dressed for teaching every day in frumpy work clothes. Though I was still a good teacher, I never felt motivated to go above and beyond. I felt like the students noticed every flaw about my body. I even had students ask me if I was pregnant…multiple times. After having kids, my stomach was the first to bulge out if I put on weight.

My lack of confidence affected my marriage. My husband would get excited about a dress or shirt he bought for me and I didn’t even want to try it on. It was if I somehow knew it wouldn’t look good on me or it would be too tight. He bought me a FitBit for Mother’s Day, which I first felt a bit offended by (but now a year later, I see that present as a total life saver).

Anyway, that hike in St. John was the moment; the eye-opener that I needed. The week we got back, I strapped my FitBit on my wrist and made the decision to lose weight and to get healthy. Here’s what the past twelve months have taught me and some tips I still use that work for me.

Tip #1: Put Exercise On Your Calendar

I have a very Type-A personality. I am always busy. Though I complain about it sometimes, I think I actually like to keep busy. Therefore, I always thought that if I kept busy playing with the boys or making dinner or cleaning the house, I’d lose weight, because after all, I was still moving. Surely, I thought, the only moms who gain weight are the ones who sit around all day. I was wrong. I managed to gain 20 pounds after having my third son, even though I was still busy every day.

However, that first week after vacation (June 26th - July 2nd, 2016), I actually wrote the name of each exercise class and the time it was offered on each day of the week on my calendar. You see, I already had a membership to our local YMCA, I just didn’t utilize it. In fact, Michael had asked about canceling it because we never went. That week I went to five exercise classes (and I know this because it’s all stored on my FitBit app). I started taking Zumba classes because I had lost weight doing so a couple years earlier and I love to dance. I burned an average of 400 calories each time I went to the gym, and I was proud of that. Now don’t get me wrong, I was a complete sweaty mess the whole time. I was out of breath most of the class and I couldn’t do all the dance moves because my body just wouldn’t keep up. It was hard. But it was something.

I found that when I wrote the class and the time on my weekly calendar, it felt like I had to go. I kind of live by my calendar. It’s the only way I can stay organized with the boys’ varying school schedules, my work, my husband’s work, and our various sports and activities. Therefore, when people would call to see if we were free Tuesday night to get together, I had to say no because Zumba was at 7:30.

A year later, I still do this every week. On Sunday night, I look at the YMCA class schedule for the week (it helps to have the paper schedule right next to the calendar and I also keep the schedule open on my phone too). I write in what classes I will attend and I make sure nothing else is scheduled during that time. If the boys have an activity for school or a basketball practice, I make sure I chose a class that fits around it.

I won’t lie. At first, it was hard to make myself go some nights. It still is hard some days. After teaching all day, sometimes the last thing I want to do is race home, make a quick dinner, feed the boys, clean up, and head to the gym. But I still do it five to six nights a week. I do it rain or shine or snow. And after the first three or four weeks, it got easier to find the motivation to get to the gym. And by now, the guilt sets in if I don’t go.

Tip #2: Change into Workout Clothes Right When You Wake Up/Get Home from Work

This seems like a small thing to do, but for me, it really makes a huge difference. If I sit around in the clothes I wore to teach that day, I feel unmotivated to change and get to the gym. However, if I come home from work and head right upstairs and change, I feel like I’m already dressed for the gym, so why not go? (I actually just had to take a break from sitting and typing and walk/jog around the house to get some steps in. True story. I may be slightly addicted to getting my steps for the day on my FitBit.)

On the same token, if it is a weekend morning, before even going downstairs to make breakfast for the kids, I put on my sports bra, workout shirt, and yoga pants. That way, there is no excuse to not be ready to go to my exercise class.

Tip #3: Choose to Exercise OR Eat Healthier (Only One at a Time)

Unless you have way better self-control than I do, I recommend choosing exercise OR healthy eating. If you know me, you know I love to eat. I love foods that are especially unhealthy, not because they are unhealthy, but all my favorite things happen to be loaded with calories and fats. For example, I love cakes and cookies. I love Mexican food and Italian food. I love love love bread. I love all those foods the doctors tell you to give up. And I knew in my heart of hearts that if I had to exercise (which I hated) and give up the foods I loved, I’d never stick with it.

So, I chose to tackle my hatred of exercise first. I did so by going to the dance classes first. I took Zumba and Werq and ReFit. After I started to learn the routines, I actually started to like going to these classes. They were fun and they got my butt moving. Plus, my FitBit showed me that I always burned an average of 400 calories and I liked seeing that. I swear my FitBit is the one thing I wear every day, all day. When I have to take it off to charge it, I try not to move because I don’t want to miss counting my steps (an exaggeration, but I actually don’t like to do much without it). During this time I didn’t make much of a change to the way I ate.

Around month two of exercising four-five days a week, I started to feel like I could start eating healthier and still maintain my level of exercise. My husband and I actually did two weeks of eating no to low-carb. It was really hard and I lost three pounds. I’m not sure I would want to do it again, but I am able to keep up with small changes to my diet. For example, I try to eat healthier options as much as I can. No, I never eat as many vegetables as I should and yes, sometimes I still eat bread or a bit of cake. I just eat way less of it. I choose grilled chicken over hamburgers and order salad if I go out to eat. But if I want cake, I eat cake. I just eat a bite or two, not a whole piece (or two). I’ll have a couple spoonfuls of ice cream, not a whole bowl. After a few months of eating like this, I’m actually to the point that I don’t want more than a couple bites. If I eat a whole piece of cake, my stomach feels kind of crummy afterwards. The amount of sugar doesn’t agree with my body anymore. I still eat Mexican food and Italian, I just eat one or two enchiladas, instead of three or four. I try to avoid carbs, but I still eat them. One day, I think I will bump up my healthy diet again and try low-carb or make a goal or eat a lot more veggies every day, but I’m not there yet. I push myself, but not too far that I break. I have to make decisions that are attainable and doable for me.

Tip #4: Get A FitBit

When my husband bought me my FitBit Blaze for Mother’s Day, I didn’t automatically like it. I actually had asked for one, but getting one made me feel like, crap, now I have to actually exercise. But from day one, I was hooked. Every day I felt like I needed to get more steps. At least that’s how it started. Later, when I actually starting taking exercise classes, I loved to see how many active minutes I had earned or how much time I had spent at the cardio/fat burn/above levels (I still check my app after exercising every day). It actually feels fun to burn calories.

My Type A personality makes me competitive, though I don’t usually like to compete against other people. I choose to compete against myself. When I first started working out, I always wanted to get all “green” on my FitBit app (when you hit your goals for calories, steps, exercise, etc. they turn green on the app). When I lay down for the night, I check my app. If I am short a few steps or a few flights of stairs, I actually get out of bed and walk around or go up and down the stairs until I hit my goal. I consider myself my biggest competitor and I always want to do better than the day before.

Tip #5: Join a Gym with Childcare

This one is a given for busy moms. I get it. It feels like there is simply no time to exercise what with Jimmy’s basketball practice, Tommy’s swim lessons, cleaning the house, making dinner, doing laundry, etc. etc. etc. There was no way I could join a gym that didn’t have childcare because my husband is only home in the evenings, and that’s not counting the nights when he has to work late and isn’t home until after the kids have gone to bed and all the exercise classes are over.

We are very lucky that our YMCA has a great childcare center where my boys actually enjoy going. The boys ask to come with me and since becoming regulars, they know the teachers and have friends who are in there at the same time they are. Plus, this allows me an hour of child-free time, which is good for my sanity too.

I’ll admit, however, that sometimes I feel a lot of guilt when I’ve just come home from work and I feel as though I should be spending lots of time with my kids and yet I’m rushing off to exercise. But, I try to tell myself that I’m getting healthy so I can play more with them and so I can be around longer when they get older. I think being healthy and having confidence makes me a better mom. If you are good at motivating yourself, I think doing work out videos at home would be a great compromise because I’ve heard of other moms that exercise at home and their kids even join in. Unfortunately, I need the class to motivate me so working out at home isn’t an option right now.

Tip #6: When You Feel Ready, Push Yourself to Try New Classes

Even though my husband tried to tell me early on that I should push myself and try the more difficult classes (ie. weight lifting or heavy cardio interval classes), I hesitated. I really didn’t think I’d be able to keep up in those classes, as I wasn’t in good enough shape yet. So I stuck with my dance cardio classes because I was good at them and I liked them. However, around month three, I started to feel like my Zumba classes weren’t pushing me enough. I still enjoyed the class, I just felt like I should probably make the most out of my hour of exercise. I finally felt ready to try something new because I was feeling in better shape and my confidence was rising enough to push myself out of my comfort zone.

Turns out, I started to really like those new classes. I started taking a strength training, weight-lifting class a couple times a week and it’s been great to see how much stronger I am getting. My arms, which once were flabby and gross (to me, at least), are starting to show some muscle definition. Yes, I had to get over the fact that weight-lifting type classes show less calories burned on my FitBit, but sometimes I don’t think it’s all that accurate. Large muscles burn more calories, but you aren’t hopping around and dancing in those classes, so it registers less calories burned on your watch. I’m okay with it now because I know the strength training is good for my body. I have a good friend who is in far better shape than I am and she pushes me sometimes to come with her to cardio interval classes. These get my heart rate up and keep it there. And trust me, those classes still push me and I’m exhausted. And yet, I don’t give up like I might have done a few months ago. After twelve months of exercising 5-7 days a week, I’m finally to the point where my heartrate may be up and I may be dripping sweat and my muscles may be burning, but I can still breathe. I can still catch my breath, which I never used to be able to do when I worked out. It’s an amazing feeling.

A few months back, I also decided to start running – an exercise I don’t believe I’ve ever liked or ever been good at. But after about 8 months of consistent exercising, I felt like I needed to set a new goal – running a 5K. I ran my first 5K in early June 2017 in the Cosley Farm Run in Wheaton, IL. Although I wasn’t the speediest one there – by far – I completed the race in 37 minutes and almost cried as I approached the finish line. Not because I was in pain, but because I did it. And now I’m signed up for two more 5K races. I still don’t love running, and honestly, I’m more of a slow jogger – but it feels good to be finally able to do it.

Tip #7: If You Have Trouble Motivating Yourself, Take Classes at the Gym

Though my gym has a large area for ellipticals, treadmills, and free weights, I spend very little time there (unless it’s raining and I want to run). You see, I find it very difficult to push myself and I get very bored just going on one machine or the other. Taking a class works so much better for me. This way, I have an instructor who is like my personal trainer, showing me what moves to do and how long to do them for. I can learn dance routines that make the time pass quickly. I get to listen to loud, energizing music to keep me going. And most importantly, I am surrounded by other people who are trying their best too. For me, it’s just way more fun to be in a class with others, than sad on a treadmill by myself.

Tip #7: Get Yourself a Cheerleader

This is my favorite tip because it’s simply the best part of getting healthy. My husband is the best cheerleader I could ever ask for. He’ll stay home with our boys so I can go exercise and supports my diet changes. He tells me how beautiful I am every day (he’s always told me this, but I’m finally starting to believe it). He even helped pick out some new clothes when I started losing weight and complimented me and my work ethic. He tells me daily that I am the best mom and wife he knows and that he and our boys are so lucky to have me. As if the extra confidence boost wasn’t enough, working hard for him gives me that extra push I need somedays. It’s an extra motivator when close friends or co-workers notice a difference. Their compliment not only pushes me harder, but makes me truly feel so good inside and proud of my accomplishments.

General Thoughts

You may think that I forgot to mention how great it is to work out with a friend. And yes, it definitely helps and I love the times that my friends happen to be at the gym too. However, my friends are also busy moms and busy moms don’t always have time to take the same classes as me. So think of workout buddies not as a necessity, but as a nice bonus every so often.

I asked myself today, why am I even writing this? Isn’t it a little embarrassing sharing my private thoughts about my weight? And I decided that I’m writing this in hopes that someone reading would get inspired to become healthier. As the saying goes (though it’s absolutely, honestly true this time), if I can do it, so can you. I’m writing this because I feel like a new person. I feel like I can try any class, try any sport, and I won’t fail miserably. Or maybe I will fail miserably, but that’s okay. I got golf clubs for my birthday and we go to the driving range often. I’ve even golfed a 9-hole course and an 18-hole course and I finally went golfing with my dad and sisters this past year. I’m wearing two sizes smaller in pants and one size smaller in shirts. I like trying on clothes again.

Some days I am afraid that I will go back to old habits. I’m scared that one day of skipping the gym will lead to two days, which will lead to three days, and so I make myself go to the gym every day, if possible. When I stayed in a hotel downtown Chicago with my husband, I actually worked out at the hotel gym. When we went on a family vacation to Florida in January, I was nervous that I’d gain some of the weight back. However, I tried to do more physical activities like run through the sand, or chase my kids on the beach.

I wish I could put the way I feel about myself and my body into words. I’m trying my best to do so. I am a happier person. And when I lose the rest of the weight and really get into the best shape of my life, I can’t imagine how great that will feel. I’ve never really been healthy. I’ve never really been in shape. And even though I am just halfway there, it feels so good.

We are halfway through 2017. I am excited for the future, but I also think 2016-2017 was one of the most important years for me. I turned 33 and I started to love myself again.

#healthy momlife

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evasjournal · 7 years

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THAT’S A WRAP

Well, it’s definitely been a few weeks and quite a lot has happened.

First of all, Christmas came early for me this year by way of what is definitely the most awesome Christmas gift I’ve ever received. A gift from Zack and myself to me – we got the Lexus. Yes, it’s true, I now drive a 2017 Lexus RX 350. That’s my car. It’s amazing! I’ve had her two weeks and a day. Already she has a few miles on her. She had 11 when I took her home, but I traveled to Ames for an ISU basketball game last week and then also back to Storm Lake for Christmas. Goodness, she is lovely though – that’s for sure. Black on black and smells of fiiiiine leather. I hope that scent never fades! Or at least I hope it sticks around long enough for Zack to appreciate it.

Getting a new car in winter though … not the greatest. It was rainy then snowy, so she’s all dirty and not shiny whatsoever. I already took her through the car wash once, but the cleanliness didn’t last. Now, among many other reasons, I’m ready for Spring so I can spend hours cleaning and waxing this baby!

I did travel back to good ol’ Storm Lake for Christmas and, yes, I did feel like a badass rolling up on my block in my brand new fucking Lexus. My dad is so proud of me for it too – he wanted to show it off on my behalf! My family was impressed with it, people made comments to my parents about it too. Needless to say, my ego was stroked. And yeah, I fucking liked that feeling.

It was nice being on a high especially given how low the low has been recently. The last couple of weeks have been so rough, emotionally. I went through a lot of fear and uncertainty as it pertains to our marriage. I kept having this bad feeling in my core that things were changing, that we were growing distant, and that they wouldn’t be the same when he got back. That somehow, this would lead us to getting divorced! That already there were signs that were pointing in that direction. It was bad. I spent a lot of nights crying myself to sleep, crying while I journaled, and sometimes even just crying in my office whenever I would think about it. I wanted so desperately to talk about my fears and what I was feeling, but I couldn’t talk to my friends about it. But I avoided it; I just didn’t feel they could relate or understand. Jennie, bless her heart, would only give me the “feel good” advice that I want to hear instead of being as honest as she needs to be. Amy, would tell me what I need to hear – which is that I need to talk to Zack about it and I already knew that. But I was so scared to bring it up with him. Scared that it would confirm my fears, that things have changed, that we’re struggling. Scared that it just made me seem insensitive and like whiney baby to add “my feelings” on to his plate when he’s half a world away, in a damn sandbox, and in combat zone. I was just too afraid to mention it – until last week. I cracked.

It was Thursday night and I was planning on traveling back to Storm Lake Friday morning. I stayed up lter than I should have catching up on my devotional readings and journaling – and then the darkness swarmed over me and I broke down. I don’t know how long I cried for – but it was the draining, gut wrenching, really emotional sobbing that just leaves you feeling empty and defeated. I had to talk to Zack about it and since I was going to be spending a few hours the following morning driving, I figured it would be a good time for us to talk.

I messaged him and told him we needed to talk, asked him to call me if he could the following day during my drive. But I realized I’d never be able to get out what I needed to say during a phone conversation though. Mostly because I could barely think about it without crying, let alone speak about it. So I decided to start jotting down my thoughts and the notes eventually turned into full blown paragraphs. There it was all out on paper – or rather, the screen I guess since I typed it on my phone. I sent it to him. Figured it was a good start.

He called me the next morning. He said he felt caught off guard because he wasn’t expecting that. He hadn’t had those thoughts or feelings that things had changed, but he was glad I brought it up so we could work on it. He said he could and would try harder. Our talk has helped, it really has. I feel so much more at ease and at peace.

On Christmas we talked twice, for a total of almost two hours. It was wonderful. I miss him like crazy. But with the start of the new year, it’s FOUR months until he’s home. Four months! That time will fly, hopefully. He’s leaving for another base soon and will be there 3 months – 90 days! Doesn’t sound as long when you phrase it that way. Then he’ll head back to Kuwait for a month and start his journey home on or about April 20th. He’ll have to return to Belvoir for some time and then he’ll be home, home.

I wish I could say that it’s for good, but unfortunately it isn’t. Sometime in May he’ll be back in our home, but then he leaves in June for a six week training somewhere in Missouri. Insert big disappointing sigh here. I guess I’m not even all that upset about it. I mean after spending this many months apart, what’s another six weeks? Especially when we’ll be in the same time zone! I’ll even be able to visit him while he’s there. So, overall not a big deal I guess. Plus this is so important to him; I know how badly he wants to do this so he can be promoted. If it’s important to him, it’s important to me. I’ll support him, even if it means him leaving again for some time.

As I think ahead to what will be in store for us over the next couple of months and in the new year, I have to reflect on what this year has brought. And – oh my goodness – was it a wild fucking year. A rollercoaster, really. Awesome and pretty incredible – but I don’t mean awesome and incredible in the traditional, positive sense like, “It was amazing!” I mean it in a more literal way that I am actually in awe by it and it is hard to believe all that happened over the past 12 months. Shall we recap?

To start, I went on my first trip abroad all thanks to the love of my life and it was the most amazing and memorable trip a girl could hope for. Not only did I get to travel through Italy with Zachary, but he proposed! He asked me to spend the rest of our lives together in the most beautiful and romantic place and in a city that I have been captivated by since the seventh grade – Venice ... on a gondola ride, at sunset in fucking Venice. I had a proposal straight out of a movie. If that’s not something for the books, I don’t know what is.

Fast forward to just a few weeks after our trip and come to find out that my fiancé is being deployed in a few short months. My world was turned upside down. What would this mean for us? Was our life going to be put on pause for a year while he’s away? Do we get married now before he leaves? Do we wait? Do we do just a courthouse wedding now and a ceremony later? Do I have to plan a wedding on my own? What if worst case scenario happens? What if he doesn’t come home? Why is this happening?

A few weeks after that, we make the official decision to get married before he leaves. And we also decide that will be it. We will have a tiny ceremony and a party at our house and that’s it. No fancy re-do wedding when he gets back.

On June 10th I said “I do” to the love of my life. We had the most intimate ceremony with just our immediate family and closest friends followed by a little party in our backyard. No, it wasn’t the wedding that I dreamed of, but in the end it was our story and it was absolutely perfect. I wouldn’t do it over for the world.

We spent less than a month living together as husband and wife before he left home on July 5th.

In August, I was fortunate enough to travel abroad for the second time and took a girls trip to Ireland and Scotland. It was a wonderful trip and something I will never, ever forget.

The week after I got back from Ireland, I traveled to D.C. for the first time ever to visit Zack where he was stationed. I saw the monuments and all the sights. Definitely a memorable trip as well.

In the days that followed my world got turned upside down for a second time when a routine trip to the doctor’s office turned into much more. I went through weeks of medical testing and a lot of uncertainty. I was referred to an oncologist where more testing was done. It was a cancer scare and again my whole future was called into question. Thankfully, the tests came back clean. I’m still due to follow up with the oncologist in early January for more blood work but given the results of the tests, the threat is very minimal.

I visited D.C. a second time. Zack left the country. I got a new kitten. I got a new car.

I think rollercoaster is a good word for it.

Needless to say, I’m ready for more steadiness in 2018. I welcome many more positive and up things, but the lows have been pretty shitty in 2017 so I could use a more smooth and steady year. I think it will be a big one too though, for other reasons. I have big plans and goals and things to accomplish. Yeah, the resolutions are starting again. Although I’m kind of over using that word – it just seems to have negative connotations associated with it. Is goals better?

Anyway, I’m making a list. There are a few things that I want to get done or get into the habit of doing better this year. Things I want to improve on. In addition to that, there are things that aren’t necessarily goals for me, but that I think will happen … like, say, getting pregnant? Definitely not a goal, but I think it’s in the stars for 2018.

We will see. Bring it, 2018 – I’m coming for you!

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lisaraewrites · 7 years

Text

A Busy Mom’s Tips for Getting Healthy and Loving Yourself Again

June 30, 2017

What I am is a mom and a wife. I have a full-time job (other than being a mom and wife; which is a full-time job in itself). I am over-scheduled and over-stressed and feel like I never get enough sleep. I am all of those things. And I’m guessing you probably are too.

Tip #1: Put Exercise On Your Calendar

Tip #2: Change into Workout Clothes Right When You Wake Up/Get Home from Work

Tip #3: Choose to Exercise OR Eat Healthier (Only One at a Time)

Tip #4: Get A FitBit

Tip #5: Join a Gym with Childcare

Tip #6: When You Feel Ready, Push Yourself to Try New Classes

Turns out, I started to really like those new classes. I started taking a strength training, weight-lifting class a couple times a week and it’s been great to see how much stronger I am getting. My arms, which once were flabby and gross (to me, at least), are starting to show some muscle definition. Yes, I had to get over the fact that weight-lifting type classes show less calories burned on my FitBit, but sometimes I don’t think it’s all that accurate. Large muscles burn more calories, but you aren’t hopping around and dancing in those classes, so it registers less calories burned on your watch. I’m okay with it now because I know the strength training is good for my body. I have a good friend who is in far better shape than I am and she pushes me sometimes to come with her to cardio interval classes. These get my heart rate up and keep it there. And trust me, those classes still push me and I’m exhausted. And yet, I don’t give up like I might have done a few months ago. After twelve months of exercising 5-7 days a week, I’m finally to the point where my heart rate may be up and I may be dripping sweat and my muscles may be burning, but I can still breathe. I can still catch my breath, which I never used to be able to do when I worked out. It’s an amazing feeling.

Tip #7: If You Have Trouble Motivating Yourself, Take Classes at the Gym

Tip #7: Get Yourself a Cheerleader

This is my favorite tip because it’s simply the best part of getting healthy. My husband is the best cheerleader I could ever ask for. He’ll stay home with our boys so I can go exercise and supports my diet changes. He tells me how beautiful I am every day (he’s always told me this, but I’m finally starting to believe it). He even helped pick out some new clothes when I started losing weight and complimented me and my work ethic. He tells me daily that I am the best mom and wife he knows and that he and our boys are so lucky to have me. As if the extra confidence boost wasn’t enough, working hard for him gives me that extra push I need some days. It’s an extra motivator when close friends or co-workers notice a difference. Their compliment not only pushes me harder, but makes me truly feel so good inside and proud of my accomplishments.

General Thoughts

We are halfway through 2017. I am excited for the future, but I also think 2016-2017 was one of the most important years for me. I turned 33 and I started to love myself again.

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stickyrunawayangelsworld · 8 years

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Monday, 4:51 am

my best friend on the whole wide planet ruined her life, and now she wants me to ruin mine. you see, she grew up living with her controlling and abusive grandparents. parents were drug addicts, never gave a shit. she turned 18 in march of 2016, had a beautiful daughter in april. moved out of their house in may or june. left all her shit (by force). she moved in with her mom, which didn't work out too well. some time in june or july i had to get her and all the shit we could get quickly and leave. she stayed at my sisters for a while. everyone in my family told her that she could stay with any of us, permanently. my nana and papa already had two teenagers (18 and 16), but they didnt have a spare room. my sister was 7 months pregnant and newly wed, they have their own place which is two bath and four bed. one room i was living in, the nursery was in the back by their room, and the room they were ready to make hers was right beside mine. my parents with three kids but only one living at home (my brother, 16) (i moved out in june due to a very bad fight with my dad which ended in me in the icu, and my sister is 24 so) had two spare rooms, one which was already being made into a nursery for their soon to be grandchild, the other completely empty since i left. however, she wanted to move to texas to go live with her long distance boyfriend she had never met. so, in august, she moved states to be with an abusive asshole. there were signs he was definitely abusive before they were even dating, and she ignored them all because he also did nice things. he bought her and willow gifts and mailed them. he bought promise rings. he sent her his jackets so she could wear them, he sent her letters, tagged her in memes, etc. he also called her fat. (not the worst thing to others, but she's been suffering with eating disorders since she was a child, and she was 8 months pregnant at the time.) he also triggered her ptsd. he would belittle her, push her around, and manipulate her into doing things she didn't want to do. every fight he would call her a bitch, irrational, overreacting. she has multiple disorders where it's hard to tell if she is overreacting or being irrational. he would leave her on read during a panic attack. actually i can't think of a single time he talked to her when she was freaking out. he always said it was stupid and that "she'd calm down eventually". anyways. so she moves down there. its good for maybe two or three weeks. after that it was non stop with the fighting. "Toriy he's such a dick" "i hate it here, i don't know anyone and the city gives me anxiety" (san antonio is like 300 miles, and she's from a small ass town) "Toriy please call me" "____ did x, y, z today and I haven't eaten in three days" at first it was shit that i wasn't surprised by. he called her fat, he ignored her during a panic attack, he put his friends before her. then christmas week happened. it started put early in the week. he was mad because something that happened at work or whatever, and he was (as usual) taking it out on her. she didn't say anything, just kinda took it. the next few days were pretty similar. his family celebrated christmas on christmas eve, and she didn't know hardly any of them. he has a pretty large family. she only knew his mom, dad, sister, brother, and other brother. she was so anxious and she spent half the night in the bathroom crying. not so shockingly, he ignored her existence the whole time. that night when they got home, was the worst. he broke up with her, sent her several messages calling her a shitty mom (lemme just tell you, she is an AMAZING mom. also lemme just tell you one of the "reasons" he used for her being a shitty mom was that she washes her childs bottles????), he accused her of lying about being raped, he said so much shit. christmas day, at two something in the morning, he got physical. the baby was crying and my friend could not handle it. she asked the dude to watch her for a second so she could go to the bathroom and wash her face and calm down. he started screaming at my friend, slammed the baby's head (she was 8 months old at the time) into the metal bed frame, kicked my friend in the stomach and the legs, and punched her a few times. i can't even begin to tell you how bad the phone call i got that night was. three months later, and he hasn't been physical since, but he hasn't changed anything at all. tonight he got in a fight with her because his parents took her to get chinese while he was at work but they wouldn't bring him whattaburger. he got home, said "fuck you" to her, and left. shes spent the whole night having panic attacks and blacking out. i haven't heard from her in three hours and the last thing she said to me was "im going to hurt myself". the other day she asked me to move there. if me her and him can get a place together. i have spent the last eleven days doing nothing but mentally cussing her out. (excluding friday night / saturday morning bc BOI) Fuck you, ____. I hate boys. I hate loud and aggressive boys. I hate boys who think the world owes them something. I hate boys who have the audacity to think that triggering someone's PTSD is fucking funny. I would rather go live with my fucking dad. At least then someone (my mom) would have the balls to say something. Fuck you, ____. Fuck you for letting this boy fuck up your mental stability that you and I worked SO FUCKING HARD on leveling out. Fuck you for letting him put his hands on you and your child. Fuck you, ____. Fuck you for making me feel like shit because I want to hang out with friends. Fuck you for begging me to move there because you "need" me. Fuck you for moving there in the first place. I told you he was abusive. My mum, the lady who literally has been married to an abusive ASSHOLE for almost 30 years, told you that him "being a dick" was the start of abuse. Literally you're so fucking smart. Why the fuck. Fuck you, ____ for even THINKING of asking me to get a place with a guy who calls me a crackwhore because "her reaction is funny", jokes about raping girls, and is physically abusive to you. Fuck you, ____ for telling me that if he does some shit while I'm down there visiting you for your birthday to not hurt him. I will hurt him. I will stab him in the face and I will not apologize for it. Fuck you. Fuck you for expecting me to move away from my family and friends and my boyfriend to live with a guy who abuses my best friend and makes me physically ill every time I talk to him. I get it, ____. You love him, or whatever. I cannot and I will not put myself in that situation again. I got away from my rapist and my abusive dad and Andrew and Dylan and I will not put myself anywhere near that kind of situation again. i couldn't leave here even if i fucking wanted to. the last time i was over two hours away my dad got physical with my mum. he won't go near her or Justin if im close. i cant risk that. (the only time he's ever gotten physical w my mum I threw a knife at him and the only reason it didn't hit him was bc my mum pushed him through the fucking door to protect him. i guess a broken arm full of glass shards is a better story than "14 year old kills her father" huh?) (also little brother is basically my child considering my dads an alcoholic and my mum worked 24/7 when i was kid so guess who grew up literally raising a kid two years younger than her??? hahahahahah me.) i get it. all your friends and family you could easily leave behind. i cant leave my mum and brother like that. i can't leave Xander at all ever. if my bestfriend kills himself while im in another state because his dad died and he lost both his parents, youre going to find me bled out on the bathroom floor. i get that you miss me, but i can't fuck up my schooling or my therapy and i can't just whimsically move like you did. i fucking cant. fuck you for thinking i can.

#i took an hour to type this #i am so fucking mad #i am so done #bff #xan ment #drug ment #rape ment #cussing #abuse ment #domestic abuse #suicide ment #self harm ment #caps #father ment #mother ment #so many tags #sorry if i missed a trigger tag

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