#but I’ll take the meds with me and if it starts on 4/7 I can try it if I want

[whentherewerebicycles]

ruthie slowly realizing I have the front camera turned on 😂 this dog hates being photographed!

we were up for a bit at 5 but it was too early and I was sleeepy so ended up dozing for another hour or two. rainy morning here. I’m trying to really savor the cozy snuggly days as life is about to get so hectic for me:

I’m in pittsburgh friday morning through monday night (YAYYY) attending two weekend games and hanging out with bec!!!

I have tuesday to run errands and do laundry before my mom arrives wednesday

we leave early thursday morning for 14 days in japan and korea, during which we are hitting tokyo, osaka, kyoto, nara, mt koya, hiroshima, miyajima island, fukuoka, busan, daegu, and /seoul… I’m soooo psyched but also 🫠 it’s gonna be a whirlwind and I still have to do quite a bit of prep to be ready

we get home on a wed, I have thurs to recover from jetlag slash finalize my job talk, and then friday is the all-day campus visit

THEN I leave sat morning for houston and get back late monday night

it’s gonna be a lot!!! so very okay to be slothful this weekend and for as much of next week as I can manage I think. I am building up my reserves of rest and solitude lol.

mmkay. tonight I am having dinner + watching tár with mary later (and maybe seeing my sister at some point in the afternoon tbd) but the morning is my own! no pressure to get anything done in particular but here are some options:

could do more campus visit research for fun! my first gen programming book is arriving sometime today so I could read that and take notes, or I could spend some more time working through these articles I pulled up on designing programming for transfer students. I was also thinking it might be fun to create some one-page idea/vision/notes docs by hand on various topics—I feel like writing by hand will reinforce my memory of key details, and then making decisions about how I want to visually organize/arrange content will be a good exercise in synthesizing what I’ve learned. lol even as I’m typing this out I’m like ‘OOOOH that sounds like fun!!!!’ so I guess I’ll probably do that.

my former student is calling me at some point today to talk about transfer students’ experiences. he’s around my age (went back to undergrad after serving in the military for a long time) and is fun to talk to because he’s super smart and just like… more of a fully formed person and professional than the college-age kids. so that will be fun and should give me some useful threads to follow in my research. 

pick up my CVS prescription

hmm maybe I’ll put my laundry in right now? I also want to change linens/towels. I cleaned most of the house yesterday so don’t have much else to do in the way of chores… and I have a bunch of leftovers to finish before I’m allowed to make anything else so no cooking to do today either.

if it clears up I’ll go for a shorter long walk (the hourlong loop?) unless it’s really nice and I feel like doing the 90+ min trek again. not gonna let myself run today though—I can tell I pushed it a bit yesterday with the long fast walk + running two days in a row at a quicker clip than usual. just a little bit of achiness!

I finished a novel yesterday and want to start the next one today so I don’t break stride, but that can wait till before bed unless I’m moved to read earlier.

mmkay I think that’s it! take it easy and do fun relaxing stuff today.

[finnsbubblegum]

Getting Sick Means Spending More Time With You (Joel Miller X Reader)

Pairing: no-outbreak!joel miller x f!reader

Warnings: fluff, sweet joel, domestic joel, rom-com

Summary (Series): reader as Joel’s neighbor. Joel’s wife left him so Joel asked his neighbor for help in babysitting Sarah. 

Summary: Pov: Joel taking care of you when you’re sick.

Words count: 1.4k

A/N: I’m trying to make this as a rom-com, hope you like my new series! This is part 12 of Where It All Starts. But it can also be read as a standalone. I'm so grateful for all of you! Thank you for your comments, reblogs, and likes ❤️ There are still more chapters for this series so stay tuned! Love you!

I know it's not Joel GIF but I hope this can help you imagine

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20

*blowing nose*

You groaned as you wiped your nose from snots. Joel put his hand on your forehead to check your temperature. Then he took a thermometer and checked you. 

“Fever.” Joel cleaned the thermometer and put it back to its place.

“Cold.” You blew your nose again. 

Your voice was hoarse because of the sore throat. You were so fatigued and didn’t have any energy to move. 

“I think I should call Flo to babysit Sarah and I’ll stay at my house until I get better. Don’t want to get you and Sarah sick.” You tried to get up as you coughed.

“No, no. Lay down. I’ll take a day off.” Joel stopped you from getting up.

“I don’t want to get you sick, Joel.” You insisted.

“Baby, please. Just let me take care of you.” He stroked your head.

“Just get some rest. I’ll be back.” Joel kissed your forehead and let you rest.

Joel tucked you in before he left the bedroom. You skipped breakfast because you didn’t have the appetite. Instead, you tried to sleep hoping to get better quickly. Joel didn’t bother you at all. He tried his best not to make any noise doing chores and took care of his daughter. 

“Baby..” Joel shook you gently.

“Huh?” You opened your eyes slowly and raised your head.

“It’s lunch time.” He brought you a bowl of chicken soup he made.

“I don’t feel like eating.” You groaned.

“But you need to eat to get better.” He put the tray on the night table.

“I’m feeling nauseous.” You insisted.

“Come on, just one spoon.” Joel took a spoon of the soup and brought it near your mouth.

You sighed and opened your mouth. You knew he was right. You need to eat to get better no matter how you were feeling. 

“That’s it. One more.” He tried adding another spoon. 

You opened your mouth again ignoring the nausea. Joel kept feeding you until the bowl was empty. He was proud of you for emptying the bowl. He was sad seeing you sick but he was also happy that you ate. In his mind, he was trying his best to take care of you because you had been taking care of him and he felt he hadn’t taken care of you enough. 

“Okay, drink this.” He gave you the meds and a glass of water.

You gulped them all in once and sighed. 

“Get back to sleep.” Joel placed a kiss on your temple and went out with the tray.

“Thank you, honey.” You snorted and smiled at him.

You laid back and got back to sleep. You didn't know how long you had closed your eyes, and suddenly you felt the urge to vomit. You got up and ran to the bathroom. You opened the toilet lid and threw everything in your stomach. You groaned as you wiped your mouth with your hands. Joel suddenly went inside the bedroom to check on you but you weren't on the bed. He immediately checked the bathroom and found you sitting on the floor. 

"You okay there?" He crouched beside you and massaged the back of your neck.

"I'm sorry." You wiped your tears from your cheek.

"Hey, it's okay. I'll clean up later." He rubbed your back.

"I threw everything up. You made the chicken soup for me and I threw it up. Ugh." You felt guilty.

"Don't worry, baby. Just focus on getting better. I can always make you another one." He kissed your temple. 

You smiled before you felt your stomach turn again. 

*gagging*

"Just let it all out, baby." Joel massaged the back of your neck again to help you feel better.

*you vomited*

"I think that's everything." You flushed the toilet.

Joel held your upper arm to support your weight while you took a glass of water and gargled to clean your mouth.

"You need anythin'?" Joel helped you lay on your back on the bed and tucked you.

You shook your head. 

"Okay, tell me if you're hungry. I'll get you some food." Joel stroked your head.

You nodded and Joel walked away to the door. Then you remembered what you needed now.

"I know what I need." You suddenly spoke.

"What is it?" Joel turned his heel right away and walked to you.

"You." You chuckled softly.

"Me?" Joel raised his eyebrows and pointed at himself.

"Uh-huh. I'm cold. I need you to warm me."

"I thought you told me to stay away so I don't get sick." Joel sat beside you on the edge of the bed.

"But you're my human heater." You pouted as you suddenly got so clingy.

"I know. I know. I'm just jokin'. I'll put Sarah to bed and be back soon. Okay?" Joel kissed your forehead and left for a moment.

After he put Sarah to bed and finished all the chores, he went back to the bedroom and laid beside you. You were awakened by his weight on the bed. 

"Mmhmm." You snuggled closer to him and opened your arms.

"Come here, darlin'." Joel put his arms around you and warmed you. 

"So comfy and warm." You buried your head to his chest. 

Joel chuckled and kissed your head. 

"Can we cuddle all night?" You mumbled in his chest.

"Of course, darlin'. We can cuddle as long as you want." He fixed the blanket so the two of you were covered enough.

You slept so well with Joel's presence and warmth. You even had a dream of getting married to him and Sarah calling you mom. You smiled in your sleep.

The sun shone and the light woke you up. You sighed and moved your arm around looking for him. Joel wasn't there. He must have woken up early. You rubbed your eyes and yawned. Your headache was lighter but you still had a runny nose. You took a tissue on the night table and blew your nose. The door opened as you wiped your nose clean.

"Morning sweetie, where's your dad?" Sarah walked towards you. 

"Daddy this." Sarah said two simple words as she gave you a small blue velvet box.

"What is this, sweetie? You got me a present?" You caressed her head.

You turned the box upside down before you opened it wondering what that is. Then you realized that it was a ring box. Were you dreaming? Was this a dream in a dream? You had a dream of getting married to Joel Miller but you definitely had woken up. You pinched your cheek to wake yourself up and you were still in the same place. So you decided to open the box. You gasped as you saw a beautiful engagement ring inside. You started to tear up.

Joel leaned on the doorframe all the time when your focus was on the ring box. You raised your head and looked at him. 

"Joel.." Your tears fell to your cheeks.

"What do you say, baby? You, me, Sarah, together? As a family?" He walked closer to you.

"Will you let me take care of you forever?" He wiped your tears.

You were out of words. Your tongue was tied. You could just cry in happiness and nod. It had been around two years since you moved in and Joel finally put a ring on your finger.

"Will you marry me and take my last name?" Joel took your hand. 

"Yes! Yes!" You nodded and he put the ring on your finger. 

Sarah laughed as she saw the two of you.

"No!" You stopped him as he leaned in to kiss you.

"What? You're having second thoughts in seconds? You're saying no?" You could see his heart broke instantly hearing you said no to him.

You threw your head back and laughed. 

"No, I mean, yes, yes I will marry you. But no kissing. I'm still sick. You'll get a cold from me." You giggled.

"Thank God. You scared me for a second." Joel sighed in relief.

"I don't care, baby. If getting sick means spending more time with you like this. Then let me get sick." He chuckled and sneaked a kiss. 

You gasped as he kissed you.

"Joel!" You pushed him.

"You're gonna be responsible if I get sick." He smirked.

"I hate you!" You hit his chest.

"You know I had a dream of getting married to you last night. I guess I can see the future." You told him about your dream last night.

"You're a psychic." He cupped your cheeks.

"We're getting married kiddo! She's gonna be your mom soon!" Joel took his daughter to his arms and bounced her. 

To be continued…

Taglist:

@lovelyygirl8 @skysmiller @moonlightdivine @crocodiile @angie2274 @pulchritudinousrogers @peqchsoup @msecho19 @happinessinthebeing @nyotamalfoy @nakedmoondiaries @dzaga890 @pa1g3-t0mm0 @prettysbliss @wanniiieeee @one-sweet-gubler @x-ap0llo-x @feministfanboi @ordinarylokix @afterglowsb-tch13 @padgraysonssram8re @tomorrowseverything @hummusxx @iranispunk @mrsyixingunicorn10 @likeanimagepassingby2 @mediocrewallflow3r @pedr0swh0r3 @mxtokko @dorck26 @cascactus28 @cheyxfu @stupidthoughtsinwriting @undermoonlightwalk @bigmoodyjoody @humanbug @sarahhxx03 @krisviciousx @quixscentsposts @dgct2 @dgraysonss @heybabyshae @fluffyspaceprincess @toottmblr @avengersfan25 @xixxala @dianaffddz @onzayhe @violetwitchmcu @welcometomyworldwithoutrules @kelh27

[cookie-crumblr]

Hype Train!

F! Streamer Reader x M!Yandere Streamer OC

Part 7~

His Info: 📹✨

Part: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8

!!!MINORS DNI!!!

CW: !F reader, use of she/her when referring to reader, reader has a vagina, YANDERE, pet names (pretty, pretty girl,good girl, ), private jet ride(it’s a fantasy world let’s pretend it’s not killing the planet faster XC), exhibitionism, smut, P in V, NSFW, livestream sex, sex in front of others, teasing, cock keep away(lol i cannot remember what that’s called i’ll edit later XD)

“Mroooooooow”

“it’s okay, pretty baby! It’s just a short trip, Jasper said so!” You coo at Opal, knowing it’s not gonna stop her from howling the whole way there.

She doesn’t even like car trips, you hate to have to put her through a wholeass plane ride.

Uhg.

You hope her poor little ears don’t pop.

“Hey Jasper, can we stop at the emergency vet before we go back to your place? I just wanna get Opal some pain meds if possible.”

“Our place, y’mean. And ‘f course, pretty.” He pulls your hand not going toward tsa.

“H-hey Jasper, tsa is that way…” you point.

“We’ll be headin’ that way ina sec…” He knocks on a door you didn’t even notice.

“Jasper? isn’t that like a maintenance door or something?”

He laughs, “Yeah, pretty, it is.”

someone answers only a second later, Jasper holds up his ID.

You look quizzically.

The man then checks something off on his tablet, takes your bags, and ushers you both to tsa.

He guides you to the front of the line, “Jasper???” You whisper.

“Yes, pretty girl?” His smirk is too much and you roll your eyes.

“What is all this, there was a line.”

“Yeah. Don’t gotta wait when you have your own jet.”

“WHAT?!” Everyone looks at you a little annoyed, mostly just confused until they look back at their phones. “Jasper, you didn’t mention you had a JET. How??? do you even??? What is your JOB again?”

“Streamer,” He grins, looking back at you as if it’s nothing.

“Streamers don’t ever make that much money Jasper!” you try and keep your voice down, and you end up hissing.

“MROOOOOOOOWWWWWW” Opal yowls again.

Jasper sticks his fingertip in her carrier and scritches her chin, smiling to himself.

“…”

Your jaw drops.

“Ya like it, pretty?” he leans in close you your ear. It probably would have turned you on, if you weren’t so flabbergasted.

“Why is there a fucking bed. ON A PLANE?”

“Why not? Can’t ya think of a few reasons to have one? hmm~” His teasing is both infuriating and so, so hot.

Maybe it’s more hot because it’s so infuriating?

“Jasper. this is ridiculous.” If your sharp glare could cut right through him, it would be slicing through the plane itself.

“Is it?” He drops his one bag nonchalantly onto a chair, before plopping himself onto the center couch. He stretches out like a satisfied cat.

You look for a safe place to put Opal for the ride, opting for the other chair.

His hungry eyes follow you as your back is turned, the way you bend slightly, your skirt moves forward, giving him a perfect view of your little panties.

Youre probably looking for a seatbelt.

Fretting this way and that to make sure your precious little kitty will be safe.

He can’t help grinning.

Your hands are on your hips now.

Now you stomp your foot slightly at there being no seat belt.

“She’ll be fine, pretty. Now come sit”

When you turn, the couch looks a lot smaller than it did initially…

He’s right in the middle.

You go to squeeze next to him.

“nuh uh, pretty~ righ’ here.” He pats his lap.

You swallow. “Jasper, are you even real?”

He cant help the bellowing laugh leaving his chest, “‘f course, pretty, need me t’pinch ya?” he teases.

“Maybe…”

“I can think of other ways to prove i’m real~”

His hand finds yours and pulls you over top of him.

Your knees find purchase on either side of his spread legs.

“I’m s’glad you thought ahead, pretty~” He fluffs your skirt. “Now sit.” Everytime he commands you to do something your body shudders, and obeys without hesitation.

His tented trousers poke your sensitive place instantly.

You start grinding forgetting this whole situation at the same time.

“Jasper,”

“Yes, pretty~?”

“Please don’t ever wake me.” It comes out a desperate plea.

His face says he was expecting something else, but changes to a much softer expression. He pulls you into a tight embrace.

You both sit there in each others arms for a minute.

The moment isn’t ruined, but the mood does change when his dick twitches against his jeans.

You think that must be painful…

You reach down to free him, and he gently swats your hand.

“Not yet~ Wait until the run way’s clear.”

“Jasperrrrrr” You whine and wiggle your hips.

“S’impatient~” His fingers trace your jaw. “You want my cock that bad, pretty~”

You nod, “Yes!”

You hear footfalls, and a couple bags thumping.

You spin so fast, and try to stand, but Jasper grabs your sides to hold you in his lap.

“Hey Jazzy,” You hear a voice that sounds just like his, and when you look over at them as best you can… They look exactly the same. Aside from faintly glowing eyes.

“Huh??” You spin the other way as far as you can.

“Hai there, Y/N!!” An adorable sort of looking guy speaks. He looks younger than you, but you really aren’t sure.

“Jasper” You hiss out a whisper.

“These are my dearest friends, pretty. Dev.in and Issac.”

Issac waves cutely, before looking into Opal’s carrier…

“H-hey!” You wiggle against Jasper’s grasp.

He holds firm. “Relax, pretty. Issac’s like a cat and dog whisperer rr some shit.”

True enough, Issac takes Opal out and holds her over his shoulder. She’s purring and her whining has completely stopped.

He sits in her previous spot.

Dev.in takes the other seat, dropping Jaspers bag onto the floor next to theirs.

“Jasper, I thought we were gonna…”

“We still are, pretty girl, don’t worry.”

“B-b-but!”

“Do ya not want to now that m’friends are here?”

It might be kinda hot…

You look behind you at both of them… Then to an open laptop directly behind you on the table… It’s recording, and it’s got a perfect view of your covered ass and Jaspers legs underneath you.

“A-and that?”

“We’re streamers, pretty, why don’ we show e’ryone what we were really up to…”

His dick twitches again.

You gulp.

Your hands shake as you reach for his zipper…

He doesn’t stop you this time.

You fall forward, your chest slamming into his face as the plane starts to move.

He laughs, “Ops, sorry, I’ll hold ya better,”

His grip does tighten with one hand… The other let’s go in favor of unbuttoning your top.

“mm,” You let out a quiet whimper.

“Lemme have at these, pretty,”

“‘kayyy,” You salivate looking at that huge dick of his, with that blushy pink tip and that delicious feeling piercing…

You rise up, as you do he lifts your skirt with one hand.

“Jas!-”

He holds the base of his member, angling it toward you. “C’mon pretty, sit on this cock like the good girl y’are.”

You lower yourself enough for that piercing to tease your slit. “Ah!” The contact from the hot thing, makes you whine.

“that’s m’ girl, tease yourself on my cock,” he holds it steady as you rock your hips hovering just enough over it to make you crazy.

It feels magnetic, the way it just finds your quim everytime and threatens to breach your entrance.

Your hips rotate, “mmf!” His piecing flicks your clit, “Ahh!!” then you move to where it’s just about to enter you again.

“Ja-AH!” as you whine again, he grabs your tit roughly. “J-Jasper!”

You feel the plane pick up speed, and you grab Jasper’s shoulders.

You sink down enough to take his tip, and then rise back up.

“Mmm! ah!” your breathing picks up, the teasing you’re putting yourself through is driving you mad. Your belly is burning up.

The plane lifts into the air, both your stomach and your body drop, taking him in one swift motion.

Jasper still holds your skirt up, and uses his other hand to slap against your bum.

Your back arches deeper. “Ahmmm!” You’re already feeling dumb.

The way your stomach sunk as the plane takes off and his dick filled you at the same time to meet in the middle, in some heavenly clash… Your insides twitch and your head falls back in ecstasy.

He slaps your ass again, and takes your tit into his mouth.

“Ahhhhh!!! Jas-perrrrr!” his tongue flicks your nipple, “AHH!!”

you grind harder into his lap, your stomach still sinking as the plane gets higher into the air, while your filled past the brim with his huge length.

“Ffffffuck, Jas” You don’t want to think anymore at all.

“Awww, m’girl’s already cockdrunk,”

You nod and cling to his chest, your head falls onto his shoulder.

He moves both his hands up your warming ass, and pulls your skirt further up under his hands as he grips your hips.

He slowly lifts you up, making a show of how long he is, and how you took every inch.

He teases your cunt by rolling his hips, just barely pushing back into you before pulling back out.

You’re squinting, “aaaaah mmm…”you grip him tighter.

He kisses your neck, “such a perfect girl, an’all mine”

“a-all y-yours,” you mimic.

He presses up into you, “Mmm!!!” leaving just an inch out of your tender pussy, before falling back down, “Ahh! J-Jasper, p-please just f-fuck me!”

“Aww, she managed ta get a whole sentence out, should we reward her?” He agonizingly and slowly raises his hips up maybe half way, you wiggle your hips, silently begging to be filled.

He lets his hips fall and you feel like crying, “J-jaaaassperrrr” your lip pouts.

Dev.in speaks up, reminding you of their presence along with Issac’s. You don’t care enough to try and look at them, you just hold Jasper and pray he has mercy on you. “The viewers voted to make her wait until she begs for it.”

“M’sorry, pretty girl, you heard them though…”

“Noooooooo….” You struggle, moving this way and that, “Jas!!! wan it so baaddd” you slur.

“Awww, you’re not gon’ take pity on my poor girl?”

“They wanna hear her cry.” They say coldly.

“B-but I want it so b-bad already!”

He pushes you down a little, and then lifts you back up, “Unnnnnggg! Deeper!! Please!! D-deeper!!!”

He does that again, and again, with your head lolling around, your babble incoherently.

“Sounds like she’s beggin’ guys,” He thrusts up fast, but stops so painfully short of filling you and pulls back out again!

“Just! UHG! Fuck me!!! please!” You’re so frustrated you yell at him and punch his back.

“What was that??” He does it AGAIN.

“URRRHGG!!!! JASPER!!! Pleaseee!!!!” You lose your gusto halfway through the plea, and tears are rolling off your pretty cheeks as you start to sob.

“There she goes, can I give her what she wants now?”

“Yes.” They speak for the cruel viewers.

The second that yes travels through the air, Jasper is raising his hips and slapping against you rapidly, filling you and fucking you relentlessly.

“Y-Yess!! Oh my— YES!!! Harder Jasper! Please! Fuck me harder!!!” You hold onto him for dear life, using your legs as hard as you can trying to match his thrusts while he tries to hold you still.

“Oh my fffffuck!!!” The slapping is so loud in your ears, it’s like music that you’re singing along to as you bounce with the beat.

Your ass burns as he beats your quim up with his cock.

The piercing feels like it’s fucking your cervix open for him.

There’s so much pressure!

You cum around him. “Oh! fffuck!!” your body shakes wildly for the camera. This high practically shatters reality, you don’t even remember where you are, or who’s with you other than Jasper and his safe, warm lap.

“Fffuck, pretty, you’re givin’me more?” he holds you higher so not even his tip is fully in you. He slams his hips up into you then slowly pulls out, “Isn’t my girl th’best?”

“Jas—!!” Slam! he snaps upward, “Ah!! —perrrr!!!”

You cum again as he hits deeper than ever before. It’s so close to the last one, your body never stopped shaking.

As you twitch around him he finishes deep inside you. It splashes so perfectly inside you, you don’t want him to pull out.

But he does, letting your combined cum leak out around him for the camera.

He gently pats your buttcheek, “alright pretty, lean real far forward for me,”

You do what he said, “like this?”

“Jus’ li’ that. Such a good girl f’me”

You feel him pull your pussy lips apart, and the cum leaks out slow and almost steadily.

“mmmm” you wiggle and flex your hole, pushing out more.

He tweaks your clit, “Good girl~”

Your body jumps.

“I love you pretty, pretty girl”

“I love you s’much Jasper”

[vauxxy]

my camp half blood oc ^_^

YALL SHES ADORABLE

her name is odette van schmidt and she’s a child of dionysus 😇

her story is actually rlly funny tbh. makes me crack up a bit. so here it is

basically dionysus met her mum (a rich socialite) at a party she was throwing for the opening of an art gallery, and it was getting late so everyone was going home. odettes mum looked over at dionysus and was like ‘omfg these old geezers r soooo boring. wanna hit the club?’ and dionysus was like ‘have my baby’ SO SHE DID.

9 months later she gave birth to odette van schmidt: the lying, unstable (possible future addict), drama queen JOY of dionysus.

by the time odette turned 14, her mum was like ‘right. this girl needs to get her ass to boarding school’ bc she could not stop CAUSING A RUCKUS. she was a menace during important parties and events- not because she wasn’t good at parties; but because they weren’t fun. while her mum agreed with her, she had grown out of her party girl phase and had to settle down.

well, odette didn’t fight her mums decision to send her to boarding school. after all, that’s where the craziest shit happens, doesn’t it? especially in new york.

so imagine this: odette van schmidt, the pretty girl with weird eyes and designer clothes CHOWING DOWN ON SPECIAL BROWNIES WITH HER ROOMMATE WHO LOOKS LIKE HOMELESS MAN IN A PRETTY GIRLS BODY.

odette could NOT stop getting into trouble. always sneaking off with her friends, partying her weekends away. by the age of 15 she had developed a pretty bad habit of taking a shot of vodka every sunday morning to get through the preachy ass mandatory services.

odettes mum had enough when she found out her daughter wasn’t taking her meds everyday at 8:00, and was instead lighting up at 4:20.

odettes mum had to call her baby daddy and tell him to pick her up for the summer. odette heard this call, and jumped to the conclusion she was getting sent to REHAB. so she ran.

she ran fast and fast and fast and fast. all the way from manhattan to queens.

ofc odette always saw weird shit. but she just always chalked it up to sleep deprivation, adhd, maladaptive daydreaming, and later in her teens: drug induced hallucinations.

after walking around new york aimlessly for 3 hours to escape rehab, her mum gave her a call.

“hey odette… can you come back home? bc ur lowkey a demigod and I WONT SEND YOU TO REHAB BABY IM SORRY I WONT ITS FINE YOU WERE ONLY SMOKING WEED ITS OKAY BABY-”

BOOM. hellhound right in the middle of the dingiest 7/11 in all of queens.

odette booked it- already terrified by what her mum said, and even more so by this terrifying dog thing.

she ran down at alleyway, hoping to escape the gross mangy dog, but she wasn’t fast or sharp enough to lose it or outsmart it. the hellhound attacked her from behind, ripping through the back of her shirt and leaving a scar that ran across the length of her back.

like that shit was BIG. like, from her neck down to her hipbone.

odette was vengeful thoguh. she was more angry than she was in pain, so she took out her pocketknife and started stabbing and punching that thing away. LIKE. HOW WOULD THAT EVEN PROTECT HER FROM A HELLHOUND??? but then the mutt started chasing its tail and howling like crazy, making it easier to put it down like an old dog.

and poof.

into thin air.

“alright what the fuck”

so there she lay- sitting and panting and wheezing in an alleyway, bleeding out. so she decided to pray,

“god i’m sorry for drinking on sundays! i’m sorry for using bible pages to roll! i’ll do anything to make it up to you!”

“girl, it’s fine.”

all of a sudden, there was this middle aged guy in front of her with the same eyes as her and the worst fashion sense she’d ever seen.

“i didn’t know jesus shopped at h&m…”

“jeez, you sound like ur mother.”

after 10 awkward seconds of silence, odette passed the fuck out. bc her back is a war zone. obviously.

when she woke up the next day, she was at the most rank hospital she’d ever been to. but all the doctors were cute. they were all blonde and spoke like poets and had such gentle hands. but they were wearing the most atrocious orange shirts.

good thing I’VE got STY-

odette looked down at herself. “are you fucking kidding me.”

orange was not her colour. it was purple.

after she got all healed up, two blonde 13 year olds who looked just like her arrived at the infirmary. “hiiiiii welcome to rehabbbbbbb”

“oh my god i’m actually going to kill myself”

castor and pollux eventually cleared up mostly everything about camp (after fucking around with their new older sister a bit more, of course), and proceeded to take her to get some food in her tall ass stomach.

she ate. and then she ate a bit more. and then she complained. and then she asked if her mum has her ‘crazy meds’. and then she asked for new clothes. and then she called her mummy and asked her for new clothes or perfume or anything. and then she walked over to the big house to complain about something again.

and as soon as she walked through the doors, screaming about how she can’t party with a torn up back- she was claimed.

“oh my gods odette. we have your stuff. its fine. it’s cool. you’re my daughter btw. and no drinking at camp.”

“… why would my mum fuck a guy who shops at h&m?”

“I DO NOT SHOP AT H&M, I AM A GOD-“

odette blanked. she wasnt really good at faces. much better with names. that’s what u get for being a history buff who can’t make eye contact i guess.

“… which one, sorry?”

“… dionysus?”

“oh. that checks out.”

[georgies-ftts]

my thoughts and opinions on this weeks episode as someone who didn’t have time to watch last weeks episode, has never watched live american telly before and has discovered a new found hatred for your adverts. Also i swear a lot.

let’s begin

(spoilers obviously don’t be a knob)

1. he cannae be captain he’s only got two stripes on his epilette why are we focusing so much on this man

2. Bobby eyeing up that gun I like that (the acting)

3. this guy is giving me uncanny valley and i don’t like it

4. hehe dongle

5. i mean fair enough… in and out just like he said

6. Hen love of my life where the hell have you been loca

7. “and you won’t be anymore either” that’s actually dead funny to me

8. husbands that saw together survive trauma together <3

9. “everyone survived” i know foreshadowing when i see it

10. there’s a lot of drunk driver hatred (as deserved) somethings gonna occurr

11. oh he’s dead… lol karma fuckhead

12. Hen, i love you but why can noone on telly give me actual realistic CPR… break them ribs girl

13. christ these american adverts are weird

14. let me tell you advertising prescription medicine isn’t actually a normal thing to do

15. I don’t know boss man am no a dr but that’s an awful lot of blood are you sure you should still be breathing????

16. “Are you happy” “Yeah, Yeah I am” i have a feeling that’s all about to change buddy

17. just me or can anyone else not see a fucking thing that’s going on this episode why’s everyone in the dark for?

18. moving on from that i love the lighting in the office scene… chefs kiss

19. EXCUSE ME SHE WAS DOING HER JOB, NEXT YOU’LL SUSPEND HER FOR CODLING THE DRUNK DRIVER AND GIVING HIM TEA AND CHEEK KISSES PISS OFFFFF

20. Why do American comm’s systems always fail whenever you actually need them

21. They were axed to pieces. I will let you off -_- this time…

22. “I didn’t shoot him” honestly… same i hope you get yer pay out boss

23. Athena please for the love of god pop a paracetamol or a codeine and chill the fuck out

24. cause it has never been hard enough for them you just had to add a bastard bomb

25. ITS BEEN 5 MINUTES WHY MORE ADVERTS

26. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU ADVERTISING TO YOUR CITIZENS

27. The Rookie ad i love it carry on

28. If he wasn’t under the influence then he was just being a cunt and hen had every right to react as such thankyou very much

29. Oh my fuck what is happening - don’t tear them apart i’ll start crying

30. Bitch you’re taking on water stop being a pussy and help

31. “Don’t test me.” Queen, you rag his arse

32. “port stabilisers are gone” surely you should be tilting like a bitch right now or did i miss a frame

33. MORE FUCKING ADVERTS????

34. why’s that lizard from london?

35. WHY ARE YOU ADVERTISING DEMENTIA MEDICATION THAT IS LITERALLY ADVERTISED ALSO AS A DEATH PILL WHAT DO YOU MEAN COMA AND DEATH THATS NOT HELPING

36. “i didn’t save him either” he quite literally refused your help despite being detained

37. didn’t get that SS Menow reference… try the Mayflower next time

38. “Saving the ship” “course she is” GIVE THEM ONE MOMENT OF PEACE PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU

39. okay good they are tilting like a bitch i will shut my mouth

40. NO STOP TILTING LIKE A BITCH I DONT CARE ABOUT REALISM I TAKE IT BACK NO

41. HOW MANY MORE ADVERTS DO YOU NEED

42. i don’t know but all your meds just seem to be doing the opposite of.. you know… keeping you alive.

43. woah therapy flash back get me one of those

44. you forgot to mention imminent death in your therapy session Mr Sir

45. “We did what we had to do” YOU’RE ALLOWED TO LIVE TOO.

46. “I couldn’t save my first family and I can’t save you either” and what if that was my last straw Robert Nash

47. ABC you can tone down the writing now i’m fucking sobbing

48. FUCK YOU AUSTRALIAN MAN I WAS CRYING MY EYES OUT

49. glad the us also have those Haribo ads

50. first time in my almost 20 years of life where i’ve seen an ADVERT for ANTIDEPRESSANTS that also actively make you MORE DEPRESSED

51. Hen i knew you were slaying you’ve never not slayed <3

52. no need for it was there mr boss man? no didn’t think so

53. You have no jurisdiction past the Gulf of Mexico??? ummmm??? distressed cruise ship full of your citizens???? idk??? do something????

54. oh. welp. no surviving that one, have fun with poseidon my loves

55. i don’t know about you but once i’ve been capsized like that in anything bigger than a kayak im giving up…

[vibratingskull]

The Ball part 2

Part1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

Tag list

ThrawnxF!reader

You end up at the medbay and it is time for some discussions...

“We’ll talk about the party later. Where are you now?”

“We’re at the Medcenter close to the Opera, waiting for the results.”

“Alright. My corvette is here, I need to go. I hope it’s nothing. I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Talk to you soon, Karyn. Say hi to your parents for me.”

You cut the comlink conversation and get back to Eli, nervously thumping his feet. You sit next to him and take off your heels with a sigh of relief. He keeps his sights straight ahead with a grave face. He hadn’t said a word to you since you arrived.

“Do you think it will take long?” You ask.

“I have no idea.” He didn’t bother turning his face towards you.

You have your back on the wall, watching the others hurrying all around you; nurses guiding people followed by meddroïds, coughing patients, some children running along the hallway and others waiting like you. You’re the only ones in fancy outfits. Others are in civvies or work suits. You look like blotches of color lost in all this white.

Away you can hear a baby crying, prompting the children in the corridors to apprehensively raise their heads towards that direction, some come running back to their parents while others stare silently. Different people pass you disoriented or pressed by time but none of the medic team have any new information.

You slouch on your seat with a sigh and fix the buzzing light of the aisle. You hope it’s nothing serious but the memory of the chiss passing out doesn’t help to relieve you. At this tought you have to ungrasp your arm with your nails planted in your flesh you didn’t realize you had. You fix your trembling hands, remembering the panic that overflowed you as you saw Thrawn lose consciousness before you. You recall Colonel Yularen guiding you and Eli away while the Opera’s aids were taking care of the chiss and the both of you sneaking away under the rain to the med center. You don’t remember if you cried. All you knew was your eyes stung. You shake it off and rub your temple to get back to the present time.

Several quiet minutes pass and the incessant beeping of the machine paired with the thumping of Eli’s feet start to get on your nerves. You decide to check out the pictures you took during the evening to take your mind off things.

You take your imager out of your purse and start scanning faces in search of yours and Eli’s future colleagues. You swipe multiple times until you find the disastrous group photo with the exploding champagne bottle and chuckle at the openmouthed expressions. You look up at the faces and recognize someone from the racing team.

“Hey, wouldn’t Jakeeb and Barlin be with you on the Blood Crow?” You ask, trying to cheer him up but you only hear a muttered response in return.

“What?” you ask. 

“I’m not supposed to be on the Blood Crow…” 

You raise your head from the screen to look at him surprised. With his eyes fixed forward Eli starts talking.

“I was supposed to become a supply officer. But, since he appeared everything is in shambles.” 

You pull yourself closer to him without his notice. His thumping stops and he starts to tremble.

“Why me? I am not even supposed to be here…”

You put your hand on his shoulder, leaning closer.

“Eli, I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”

“I…” 

He gulps and takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. 

 “I was training in hope to become a supply officer when I met him… And at that moment my life took a complete one eighty. I changed schools. I changed environments. Anywhere he goes I’m expected to follow. I’m supposed to aid whenever he asks. I feel his breath on my neck everywhere I go!” He almost yells that last sentence, so much that several people turned toward us to give us glare and a nurse shushed you.

He continues with a lower tone.

“I came to the Academy because he asked for it and I will follow him on the Blood crow because of him too. I specifically asked for a supply position and the orders given to me are to keep following in his shadow in the chain of commands. This is not why I enrolled in the first place!” His voice cracks a little and you feel a cocktail of emotions at his revelations.

“Do you have proof it’s him?” you ask.

“No, but it isn’t exactly a stretch.. Everything works in his favor constantly and you know he is not above scheming.”

You rub your hands trying to sort out your thoughts. You don’t want to think Thrawn would alter the life of his friend in such a drastic way but you know that Eli’s theory is plausible. 

“Maybe if you ask him he could give you an explanation-”

“This is not about explanation!” he snapped. “ This is about control! Since I’ve met him I have become nothing more than a tool for his use. He pulls the strings and there is nothing I can do about it… On Myomar everything was different, I wasn’t mocked or gossiped about. I had a life plan that I chose and followed. Here everything failed in favor of a bigger plan and I don’t know if I could wait until he is an admiral to correct it.” He put his head in his hands, trying to keep it together.

You remain silent, knowing better than to interrupt. You can now better understand his attitude when he spoke to Thrawn. It must be difficult to try reconciling those feelings and the sense of friendship he bears for the chiss.

“But that is not the worst part…”

You lean forward, attentive to anything he might say next, holding your breath.

“The worst part is… When you came to me for help and I saw him like this… My very first thought was that whatever was happening to him might be my chance to get out of this. And I don’t know what to do with that.” He hides his head in his trembling hands, a jolt shaking his whole body. 

“Oh Eli, …” You put your arm around his shoulders “You’re not a bad person. You are just going through tough times.” 

You hold him as close as possible, no sound can be heard from him but you feel his tears running down your arms so you start cradling him gently and slowly caressing his head. 

You let the time pass like that, holding on to each other in silence. Words seem useless at this moment. At some point, a meddroid comes to ask why Eli is folded in two, barely moving. You drive it away while Eli gains back his composure, breathing deeply and putting away the last remaining tears. He rolls his shoulders to stretch his back.

“It feels good to talk sometimes.”

“I’m glad you decided to tell me, Eli. This isn’t something you should have kept to yourself.” 

He let out a big sigh.

“Seems like me and Thrawn need to have a long discussion.” 

“It will be fine,” you assure, “Trust me.” 

He lightly nods his head and the door of Thrawn’s room opens suddenly. Another medic droid emerges with a hypo in his hand still. You both stand up and wait impatiently for it to explain everything.

“Are you with the patient?” It asks with a mechanical voice.

“Yes, how is he?’ Eli demands, his voice still a little shaky.

“It appears his body doesn’t secrete the acetaldehyde dehydrogenase enzyme which leads to an imbalance of acetaldehyde in his organism, everything is taken care of right now.”

You exchange a look with Eli feeling suddenly dumb and ask.

“Which means?”

He steps back to let you pass, as you enter the room to see Thrawn laying down in a bed, transfused and rubbing his temple to ease a headache. Another droid is still monitoring some vitals on a screen, paying no attention to you. 

“His organism cannot process ethanol and therefore should not consume any alcohol and certainly not the quantity he had tonight. Doing so was highly irresponsible and could have resulted in terrible damages.” Chastises the first meddroid behind your back.

You frowned. You never thought of Thrawn to be the type to consume anything he knew to be harmful to his body. How did it come to that?

You both take a seat at Thrawn’s bedside, trying to make as little noise as possible. The droids take their leave, leaving you three together.

“How are you doing?” You ask.

“Poorly, but certainly better than before.” He speaks with a croaky but surprisingly joyful voice.

It takes you aback for a second but you put it on the transfusion. Thrawn straightens himself up with an uncomfortable groan. A minute of awkward silence follows. Nobody knows what to say. Eventually Eli can’t take it any more and asks the burning question.

“Why on earth would you drink if your species can’t process alcohol?!” He demands bluntly.

The implications of this question are obvious. You would have phrased it more delicately but you take Eli is in no condition to beat about the bush. At least the question is asked. You look at Thrawn apprehensively, but he doesn’t seem bothered in the least. He even looks amused. 

“I did not know it was alcohol.”

“How did you not know?” Eli asks, trying and failing to control his temper. 

“It was a simple mistake. I just took the beverage (y/n) had given me.”

“The beverage I… Wait, you mean the Calamnsi?” You shout as you realize every time you saw the chiss this evening he had a full glass in his hand. But you didn’t realize it was the highest alcoholic drink in the room.

“It was rather sweet. I assumed it was some kind of juice.” 

“Of course you did,” You berate yourself.

At least it wasn’t as serious as you thought it would be, no alcoholism, functional or otherwise involved. You let out a breath you didn’t realize you were holding. Eli starts again with his thumping feet, visibly on his last nerve.

“You two look awfully worried.” Thrawn query in an eerie playful tone.

“Of course we are, you-”

Eli stops mid sentence causing you to look up and see Thrawn trying to hide a smile behind his hand and his body shaken by a snigger he fails to refrain. You look at Eli to confirm what you see and his expression must be as dumbfounded as yours.

Suddenly, it dawns on him.

“He’s drunk!”

As the transfusion slowly took effect, the chiss is now experiencing the normal effects of alcohol and is going merry. What is going on tonight? You see him trying to get back control over his body and stop the chuckle, next to you Eli is losing his mind over this.

“I can’t believe I’ve spent one hour brooding, imagining the worst outcomes while he was off chilling with the fairies!”

You don't know what to say about this, lost between circonspection and amusement. You bite your lips to keep you from laughing as you see Eli gritting and loosen his teeth.

"You know what?" He adds, raising from his seat, "I can't take this anymore, I need to go outside." He walks angrily to the door and flips toward Thrawn. “I’m really glad you are okay!” And disappear with the sush of the door.

Thrawn clears his throat effectively stopping the snigger.

“He seemed furious…”

“Worried,” you correct. “He was really distressed seeing you in this state.” You mind absently rubb the bruises left by your nails on your arms, replaying the scene in your minds.

He slowly rests his head on his pillow.

“I will need to apologize to him then… But later on, I don’t feel like rising up at the moment.”

You don’t know if it is him being conscious of the limits of his own body or the alcohol effects but it is probably for the best. He closes his eyes with a deep sigh, a serene look on his face. Another silence takes place, but everything seems comfy this time. You can hear Thrawn’s peaceful respiration and you look at him, like he’s sleeping, enamored. A little smile crawls on your face as you observe him, feeling alone in a small bubble with him. 

But you have questions to ask.

“Thrawn?”

He opens his eyes and his pupils slide towards you.

“Did you intervene for Eli to follow you on the Blood Crow?”

He stays silent a moment, his blazing gaze on you before answering.

“So he talked to you about it…” His voice has a drawl.

“So you did?” 

“No, I did not…” His eyes go back to the ceiling, fixing on it. “At least I did not intend for this result, but I should have anticipated it.”

“He is quite resentful for that.”

“I know…” He answers in one breath.

“He will tell you himself, but his trust in you really took a hit. For someone who reads emotions so well as you do you really don’t take care of those of your friends.”

He doesn’t respond to that, his eyes still fixed on the ceiling. It’s maybe not the most effective thing to do with a drunk person but you can’t find it in yourself to stop.

“Listen, I don’t know if you feel at home here, maybe you never will but you can’t continue being alone. I’ve seen how you put a barrier between you and us, maybe you actually despise us, I don’t know, but you can’t go on without someone at your side! And I am not talking about military loyalty but real friends. You’re always stern and cold, you keep every exchange to its bare minimum, you never talk about yourself. And tonight it feels like you're pushing away the only person that cares. Don’t you see that you isolate yourself? That it paints a bigger target on your back?” 

You didn’t scream at him but the will was there. On his end he just closed back his eyes without flinching.

“Are you even listening?” you ask vehemently.

A light smile stretches his lips.

“(Y/n), (y/n, (y/n)... You are so nice. Why are you so nice?”

“Excuse me?” You frown.

“Always worried for your friends, always taking care of them, always bending over backwards for them. One day it will cost you.” He turns his head and plants his eyes in yours, staring intensely. You cower under his gaze, feeling your blood heating your cheeks.

“But maybe this is why you're so important to me.” He completes without flinching.

Your heart beats furiously at those words. What did he just say? 

Was it possible? 

"Everyday I am more drawn to you. I find myself wanting to be with you.” He replaces his head to face the ceiling, his eyes lost in the void but a smile still softening his face. “I haven’t been really honest to you or Eli about what happened during the simulation test. It pains me to admit it but I was jealous. I am jealous of your bond, of your compatibility…

At this point you don’t know if he's talking to you or monologuing deliriously to himself. Either way you can’t stay in place, the heart beating furiously as you wait, holding your breath with hope. You stay silent to not cut him off in his momentum.

“... It is terribly painful to see you two close like that, to be near you but just out of reach… It reminds me too much of…” He froze a second, tensing all his muscles. “... my sister.”

You froze.

“She was just like you, kind, protective, strong headed. At least it's how I remember her. Looking at you reminds me of her, being with you makes me feel like living the moments that we were robbed of. But it will never be the same. You are not her, she is not you… But I keep seeing her through you.” His smile has disappeared, leaving a voice on the verge of cracking and glassy eyes. “I wish to see her again one more time… One day…” 

You’re frozen in place, shocked, out of words. You are deeply touched by the affection he has for you, but this is not what you hoped for and you fear it won’t be possible now. You cross your arms to hug yourself, feeling tears rising to your eyes. Your mouth dries up and your throat tightens, clenching your hands you try to speak but you change your mind. What to say? How to feel? Should you be thankful for what you already share? Is it reasonable to be upset? Is the furious turmoil your feeling legitimate? As you ask yourself those questions you start to feel nauseous.

“Thrawn?” You ask with cracks in your voice

As he didn’t answer you raise your head to see his eyes close and profound breaths, deeply asleep with his usual stern expression. You sigh and rise up from your seat. As you leave the room you take one last look at Thrawn, hesitating for a moment, and go.

Eli sees you as you leave.

“How is he?”

“He’s asleep for now, we better go.”

He notes your demeanor but doesn’t pry, following you to the hall where the colonel Yularen is waiting. He nods outward and you all three pass the door to exit the building. The wind has risen and the cold rain suddenly bite your flesh but you don’t mind. They both press the pace towards the corvette as you stay behind.

The colonel Yularen opens the door and let Eli enter, they both turn toward you expectantly.

“I think…”

You don’t look at them, your gaze lost in the reflections of the lights on the ground, the cold rain biting your flesh and your shoes in your hand.

“I think I’m going for a  walk.”

@bluechiss, @al-astakbar

[vaporwavedoggie]

Nnnnnng anyone with DID or CPTSD or schizoaffective wanna help me out bc I got questions and don’t know a lot of ppl with what I have

1. What do you do to help w memory issues?? What supplements can you take to help?? Or is this unavoidable

2. How do y’all switch on command like?? Usually something triggers me (negatively or positively) to switch and we just switch. Randomly.

3. How do you get out of brain fog from the antipsychotics?? (I take lamotrigine) Is this a sign I need to change the meds/dosage or would supplements also help with this??

4. What keeps you from going back into psychosis after being in it for a few months? (I was in it from Jan-April, went to the psych ward, got my meds readjusted, got some therapy and did and continue to do constant self help but I’m so terrified of spiraling as bad as I did again bc I almost did something permanent)

5. How do you deal with hallucinations? My hallucinations got VERY bad which is why I slipped into psychosis. Not getting into what happened here, I will if DMed about it, but it was horrific.

6. How do you deal with triggers and triggering intrusive thoughts??? I can’t. Be a functioning human being because of it. I can’t work a normal job that requires no thought and is repetitive or the thoughts slip into my head and I have a panic attack or break down. I’m currently a stay at home mom because of this. I have to be constantly doing something with my brain and stimulating myself in some way shape or form because if not, what I mentioned will happened. I need to provide for my kiddos and feel like I failure because I’m so broken and can’t fucking function like a normal person. I’m going to start going to college to earn my associates in graphic design because I hyper focus on my art and studies but I’m so afraid that it’ll be useless because I’ll fall into the same hole.

7. Do y’all know where I can find a cheap therapist or program that’ll help me get cheap/free therapy?? (I’m talking like $10-20) Every time I go meet up with a sliding scale therapist they refer me to a specialist that’s like $100-300 per sesh without insurance (can’t afford it atm) because they’re “not qualified” to talk about my specific issues.

Yeah that’s all the ones I can think of for now but if anyone can help me I’d greatly appreciate it. Not like I can talk to a therapist about this shit so I gotta turn to the fucking internet and air out my personal business publicly because I’m desperate for help ahahahhahahahahaha

[dyinglikenarcissus]

Chapter 4. Plans Change, People…

14k words

Warnings: 18+ only. This chapter in when the spice starts! Fingering, oral both male and female receiving

Like and reblog if you enjoy ☺️

You sit curled up on your couch. Jethro’s tucked next to your hip, while you edit some wedding dress shopping footage. You’d yet to fall in love with one but it was hard to fall when you didn’t know what to dress for. You and Steve have yet to set a date or a venue. More like you and Sam have yet to set a date or a venue. But you did decide on spring. Not too hot, not too cold. You just didn’t know where. Steve was ‘happy as long as I’m with you, little movie star’ and Sam and Bucky were absolutely no help at getting intel out of their best friend.

You scroll through yet another list of wedding venues in New York City when your hear a pulsing vibration.

“A ghost?” You ask Jethro but he just ignores you until you get up to investigate. He lets out an irritated chirp before curling up on the cushion you vacated.

You enter your bedroom and see Steve’s phone about to fall off the nightstand as it continues to buzz.

“Natasha?” You question seeing the red head pop up on the screen.

“Hello?” You answer slowly.

Theres a pause on the other end of the line. “Where’s Steve?” A women’s voice asks.

“Um, he doesn’t have his phone right now,” you explain. No one’s ever called him while you were babysitting it. It made you wonder if the only people with the number were you, Bucky, and Sam. “You should call his work phone if you need to talk to him.”

There’s another pause. “You’re the girl?”

“The-“

“Hold on, I want to see you.” The FaceTime alert makes the phone start vibrating again. You answer not really knowing what to do.

“Hello?” You repeat as Natasha appears on the screen. She’s just as gorgeous as she is in the photos.

“Hey,” she smiles. A little part of you melts. You think you’re in love. “I’ve been meaning to track you down.”

“Track me…?”

“I’m Natasha. Steve’s friend. Nice to finally meet you.”

“He told you about me?” You ask, a little taken aback.

“He doesn't shut up about you. I think the entire east coast knows America’s most eligible bachelor found his new best girl.” You smile at the knowledge and glance away from the screen. “Tell me about yourself.”

“Um, I’m a social media influencer. I have 2 million followers-“

“You live in Anaheim, 1801 East Katella Ave, apartment 270. You drive a Lincoln Corsair, born in Silicon Valley to a tech mogul mother and an absentee father, graduated from UC Berkeley with a degree in psychology. You applied to a med school but they didn’t think you were well rounded enough. So you started an Instagram, then a TiktTok, moved to LA and now we’re here. I know all that. Tell me something Rogers doesn’t know.”

You blink at the woman. You instantly understand why Steve keeps her at a distance.

“I-I don’t know. I drool when I sleep? I’m prone to yeast infections? I have a weird leg to body ratio? What doesn’t he know?”

She gives you a smug little smile. “You don’t have much of a relationship history outside of your friend group so you don’t date much. He seems to be doing whatever he can to keep you happy. And you seem happy…you’re falling for him?”

You cringe back from your phone then remember she can see you. “Aw, you are! Cute! Anyway, you seem fun. We should do coffee. Are you still getting Panera at 7:45 tonight? Maybe I’ll meet you there.” Oh my God. She even knew about your Panera runs!

“Who are you?” You breathe.

“Yeah, we’re gonna be good friends,” she grins. “I’ll talk to you later.” She waves to the camera and you drop the phone on your bed.

“Steve,” you whisper. You grab your own phone and send him a text message as fast as your thumbs will type.

He’s taking far too long to respond for how your heart is racing.

Then your phone vibrates with a call. “Steve! Natasha-called-and-she-knew-all-this-stuff-about-me-and-she’s-going-to-meet-me-at-Panera! I’m so scared!”

“Star,” Steve chuckles. “Relax. That’s just Nat being Nat. She’s in Venezuela. She’s not going to ambush you at Panera.”

“Why does she know so much about me?” You whine.

“She deals in intel. After the whole Sausalito thing, I needed some solid information on you.”

“You did a background check on me?” You accuse.

“I got far more than background. I know Natasha is…a lot but she’s good people. Don’t let her get in your head.”

“And I thought she was so pretty,” you whimper.

Steve just laughs at your statement and makes a comment on the other side of the phone that you don’t catch.

“I have to go, little star. I’ll text you tonight?”

“Okay,” you sigh trying to calm yourself down.

“Be good for me?”

“Okay,” you can’t help but smile at his request. “I miss you.”

“Miss you, too. Bye, little star.”

“Bye.”

You release a deep sigh and try to relax your shoulders. You were in a whole new world now. Steve’s world. You were beginning to realize you had a lot to learn here.

You get a text message from Natasha later that night saying that Steve said she can’t play with you anymore. You laugh at how disappointed she seemed.

I hope we can meet for that coffee someday you message back.

I’ll be at the wedding she assures you.

You sigh and go back to your voice over for an archery session with Kate. You notice a lot of comments asking about wedding updates and Steve. Blah! “Guess I have to drop some kind of couples content,” you mutter to Jethro. You are over wedding dress shopping and you were sick of this one sided venue fight.

Hmm…maybe…

You know everything about everyone. Where would Steve get married?

A read notification pops up immediately but Natasha doesn’t respond. Maybe she doesn’t feel like talking…

Your phone pings about an hour later.

There’s this old cathedral in his childhood neighborhood in Brooklyn

She sends the link to it on Google. Oh? Oh!

This is gorgeous! Why didn’t he mention it? It’s like a slice of Europe in New York! You can already imagine a cathedral train and the sun hitting the stained glass windows painting the church in beautiful colors. It’s perfect!

I love it! Thank you! You quickly reply

Don’t mention it

And to think you were terrified of her this afternoon.

You quickly forward the suggestion to Steve as your renewed interest has you thinking back to the dresses you tried on and what most fit the space.

How did you find out about this place? Steve responds a few minutes later.

Natasha

I guess she is good for something

You giggle at his comment

One thing down, a million more to go

I’m sorry I’m not much help with all of this. It’s a little hard to think about doing it all again

Oh? You frown slightly at his statement. Getting married again, even if it is all for show, must be so triggering. You didn’t even consider his side of things.

You’re a terrible fake fiancée.

I’ll handle it you assure him. It’ll be perfect

I trust you

The next day, the venue is booked, you choose colors and flowers. Kamala helped you choose cake flavors and Kahhori chose the bridesmaids dresses and a suit for Kate.

“You really don’t mind if the colors are burgundy and navy?” You ask Steve while you scroll through wedding bouquets that match the theme on Pinterest. “It’s not too…ugh?”

“What does that mean, star?” Steve chuckles. He voice sounds so deep and groggy, you just want to hear him talk more.

“Like, I don’t know, clashing?”

“It’ll be dark,” he yawns.

“Well, if it’s, like, mixed with greenery and white flowers. And I’ll be in white. Have you decided what color you’re wearing yet?”

“Have you decided what dress you’re getting yet?” He counters.

“Touché, Mr. Rogers. The groom is supposed to be surprised.”

“Don’t like surprises,” he mumbles.

“Are you falling asleep on me, old man?”

He hums softly and you hear the sheets rustling. “Maybe,” he grunts.

“Alright. Go to sleep.”

“I wish you were here.” His words make you smile and makes something stir in the pit of your stomach. You feel so loved when his says things like that. You shouldn’t but it sounds so right.

“I wish I was there, too. I miss your kisses.”

“My kisses?” He chuckles.

“Yeah, you always kiss my head and it makes me feel so warm and comfy.”

“Stop being so fucking cute.” You hear the smile in his voice before he yawns again.

“Go to sleep,” you repeat.

“Yes ma’am.”

“Goodnight.”

“‘Night, little star.”

You sigh softly and drop your phone on the bed. When did you fall so in love with him?

Natasha even knew it but she seems to know everything so that doesn’t really count.

Did he love you, too? He seems to like you, at least. The way he slept cocooning you, and the way he’d always makes sure you and Jethro were comfortable, and the the way he’d call you his ‘little star’. All of it said he was in love with you. He didn’t say it though. Probably because of this ridiculous situation that set you two up. He probably doesn’t want you to feel trapped. You certainly did before but you don’t anymore.

You want to be with him.

You feel like you’ve gotten closer to him in these couple of months you’ve been apart than in the entire time you were together. Every morning he’d wish you a good morning and he asks about your day every night. You really like that. He sends you flowers every Friday. You love that. After you decided on wedding colors, he sent a bouquet of burgundy roses and navy irises. Then he did something you absolutely did not expect. Jethro’s birthday was kind of a personal holiday for you. All of your friends knew and you normally had a whole weekend long party. You watched all of his favorite movies and he got all his favorite treats and tuna. You made him home made dole whips, got balloon bouquets. And the finale was a trip to the cat playground. It was in LA so it was an hour drive and he hates being in the car that long but it’s so worth it to watch him have the time of his life with the other cats. It was just a little local place and you brought treats for the other cats and little party hats for the ones that will wear them. But when you walked in, the facility was completely decorated from top to bottom with balloons, banners, streamers. There were gourmet cat treats adorning a table. There were even party favors full of toys and treats for all the other cats coming to the party.

“Did I miss something?” You ask the owner. You’d been coming here for years and you got to know the woman pretty well.

“A Steve Rogers sent a party planner to set all this up,” she smiles. “He said it’s for the Jethro’s birthday.”

“He did all of this?” You whisper. It almost brings you to tears as you watch the other cat parents filter in and ask what the occasion is just for you hand them a party favor and thank them for coming to Jethro’s party. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for you.

God, you really love this man.

He does so much for you, you just wish you could repay him.

“I have the best fiancé in the world! As you all know, it was baby Jethro’s birthday this week! I have a five year old, y'all! We went to Kitty Land in LA for his usual kitty play time and look at what Steve did! Handmade cat treats, party favors, and look at this balloon arch! It’s been so hard doing the long distance thing but he makes it easier with such sweet gestures like this. Look at these little guys! And Jethro made a new friend!”

You sigh as you scroll through the pictures of the party after you finished posting the TikTok.

You wish you could’ve shared the moment with Steve.

“You ready for dinner, little man?” You ask Jethro as he slinks out of your room, stretching along the way. He lets out a positive meow and you scratch his head.

“Dinner time, it’s dinner time,” you sing softly.

The door bell rings just as you stand up sending your cat scattering.

Friday evening around 6? Must be flowers.

You skip over to the door and open it without looking through the peep hole.

Once the door is open though, you quickly slam it back shut at the sight.

Those are not flowers.

A shoe catches in the frame stopping you from locking your unwanted visitors out.

“Ma’am, we’re with the federal bureau of investigations. We just have a couple of questions for you.” The man sounds very nice but you know better than to listen to anything they say. You’ve seen enough movies.

You pull the door back but only slightly, barely wider than the man’s foot.

“Can we come in?” There’s two of them: one woman in a black suit and the man asking the questions.

You quickly shake your head no.

“Then we’ll talk out here. Do you know Steve Rogers?”

“He’s my fiancé.”

“How about Brock Rumlow?”

You search you mind for the name but you’ve never heard it before. You shake your head again.

“Were you in New York August 18th?”

“What’s this about?” You ask.

“We’re investigating a murder, ma’am. Just answer the question.”

You swallow loudly. “I-I don’t feel comfortable with this. I want a lawyer or something.”

“You’re not detained. We’re not forcing you to say anything,” the woman sighs.

“I was in New York, but I don’t know that name. I’m sorry.”

“Alright, if you can think of anything, here’s my card.” The man passes you a white card with an official looking seal on it.

“We’ll be in touch,” the woman sighs.

You just nod and take the card before securely locking the door. You take a deep breath and lean back against the door.

What just happened? Who were those people? You turn the card over in your hand

Agent Phil Coulson.

Your breaths start to shake as you attempt to think.

“Steve,” you whisper.

You run to your phone left abandoned on the couch and quickly dial his number.

“Little star,” he greets far too cheerfully for the situation. “What-“

“Steve! The FBI just came to my house and they asked me if I knew you and-“

“Stop.” There’s that harsh voice that you hadn’t heard since you first met him. Your jaw clicks shut at the word. You almost shrink back at his tone but he keeps talking. “Pack your stuff. I’m sending the plane. Don’t talk to anyone. Don’t answer the door unless I tell you to.”

“Steve,” you whimper. “What’s-“

“Stop talking. Pack your stuff.”

“Okay,” you whisper.

“I’ll see you soon.”

You nod then remember he can’t see you. “Okay.” The phone call ends abruptly with you still holding the phone up to your ear.

“Okay,” you whisper. Jethro chirps at you from under the couch before rubbing against your leg.

“Okay,” you repeat once move. “Dinner. Then packing, okay?”

Thirty minutes later Steve sends you an ETA for the plane. You had about five hours to pack up yourself and your cat and maybe take a little nap but honestly, you were far too wired to rest. So you busy yourself with packing and once you’re done with that, you busy yourself with cleaning. You’ve finished sweeping and you at least cleaned the bathrooms before your phone starts vibrating.

Sam’s outside Steve messages.

You stand on an upside down trash can and look through the peep hole, learning your lesson. There he is, waiting outside for you.

You quickly unlock the door.

“Come here, girl,” he bids and you quickly fall into his arms. “It’s okay. We’re gonna get you home,” Sam promises. Home. Steve’s home. “You ready?” You nod and a driver comes in to collect your luggage. You tote Jethro and your computer bag and follow Sam downstairs.

Once you’re on the plane, the two of you sit in palatable silence. You try to distract yourself by keeping Jethro entertained but it’s his bed time and he’s not having anything to do with you. He just wants to sleep but he can’t relax in the strange environment.

You turn to Sam and a book rests on his lap as he’s fallen asleep, too.

You should try to sleep too but the day reels back in your mind over and over. Ugh!

You let out a soft groan and fall over in the seat next to you. Just a couple more hours of this.

Bucky meets you at the airport and he’s just as quiet as Sam.

Something told you Steve told them not to talk to you. You sit in the back seat and stare at the backs of Sam and Bucky’s heads.

“Can we talk at all?” You finally ask as the city comes into view outside of your window.

“I’m sorry, princess. Steve wants you fresh when you get to him,” Sam states sadly.

“Fresh?”

“It means he doesn’t want any outside influences. We can’t talk to you,” Bucky sighs.

“Not even you two?”

“Not even us,” Sam reiterates. You sigh and slump down in you seat. “We’re almost there.”

The world finally becomes familiar as you pull up to the building with Steve’s penthouse. But you don’t go down to the garage. Instead, Steve steps out of the building, his long trench coat billowing in the wind as steps up to the car. You can’t help but greet him happily, falling into his arms.

“Steve, I don’t kno-“ but he just shushes you gently. He holds you against him and runs his hand down your head to tangle his fingers in your locs.

“Not now. We’re going to go somewhere we can talk.” You just nod. You feel a bit more relaxed in Steve’s arms but everything is reaching a boiling point. Steve’s hand runs up and down your shoulders as he presses kisses to your temple.

Sam takes Jethro upstairs and returns relatively quickly before you all continue on through the city.

Bucky stops the car in front of a bumping club. Men and women stream in and out in skimpy dresses and fitted dress shirts.

“We’re going to talk here?” You question skeptically.

“It’s quiet,” Steve smirks down at you and you can’t help but give him a disbelieving laugh. You were dressed for anything but the club. Maybe for a Target run or the gym in your leggings and cropped sweater. You were also mentally prepared for anything but the club. Maybe an anxiety attack or a therapy session. “Come on, little star,” Steve bids and opens the door on his side. A bouncer exits the building and wordlessly escorts your group through a side door. Steve’s hand finds your lower back as he leads you through the dark halls. You don’t pay much attention to your surroundings. You can just hear a thumping beat and multiple sets of footsteps.

The bouncer opens a red velvet padded door which leads to a private room. A waitress quickly follows after him and takes the men’s orders. You request some water. You don’t feel like partying or being here in general. You just want to go home.

Steve’s home.

You take a sip of your water that’s placed in your hands to try to calm your nerves. It doesn’t help.

Once the waitress leaves, Steve’s pulls you into his lap on one of the plush couches that surrounds the room.

“Alright. Talk.” You take a deep breath to finally spill out everything that’s been on your mind. “Slowly,” Steve adds knowing you’ll spit it all out in one breath if you can.

You smile at his words and go over the entire incident in as much detail as you can remember. You hand Steve the card the agent left you. He looks it over. “That’s everything?” You nod. Steve hands the card to Bucky. “Don’t kill anyone. Just make sure they stay away from her,” he instructs the brunet as he leaves the room.

“Wha-“ you breathe at Steve’s command.

“Sammy, go with him. Make sure he doesn’t get out of control.”

“Out of con-“

“Little star,” Steve sighs, gipping your chin to make you face him.

“We came all the way here just for this two minute conversation?” You question before he can say anything else. “We could have talked at home.”

He sighs, looking outwardly frustrated by your outburst. He just holds your chin a little tighter, impeding any further speech from you. “Listen.” His voice takes on that dangerous growl that makes you want to shy away from him. “You don’t say another word about this. Not to me. Not to Sam. Not to Bucky. Not even to yourself. No one. Understand?” His hold on you loosens enough for you to nod.

The moment he releases you you ask, “Why did they come to my house?”

“What about ‘don’t talk about it ever again’ didn’t you understand?” Steve asks with a small smirk.

“But I have so many questions,” you whine.

“I understand. But I don’t want you any deeper in this than you already are.”

“You said that before and I still don’t understand! What are you hiding from me?”

The second the words leave your mouth, the padded door to the private room opens.

“They told me you had a reservation but I didn’t believe it until my security told me you were actually here. What do I owe the pleasure of having the Star Spangled Man grace my humble club?”

Your eyes widened impossibly at the man who steps through the door. This can’t be happening.

“We came for some quiet. Apparently that’s hard to find here, too,” Steve sighs. His grip on your waist tightens as you almost start to buzz with excitement. His hold on you seems to be the only thing holding you down.

“A little rendezvous with your new pet? You can’t do that at home, Rogers?”

“Quiet is a scarce commodity these days,” Steve counters. You start to practically vibrate in his lap before Steve finally spares you a glance. “Let me introduce you to my fiancée.” Steve taps your ass so you’ll stand up. He opens his mouth to introduce you but you’re already on your feet shaking the man’s hand erratically.

“You’re Loki Laufyson! Oh my gosh! I’m such a huge fan! I loved you in Ragnarok and The Dark World and I’ve seen all of your plays! Can you sign my phone? Can you sign my face? Can you tell me to kneel?”

Loki smirks at your words. “I think we can arrange-“

“No,” Steve grips you forearm and pulls you back to his chest. “You will not be kneeling for anyone.” That rough tone comes out in Steve that has you submitting against him. “One picture.”

“Do I get to choose the pose?” Loki asks. So much suggestion leaks into his voice that you nod excitedly until you see Steve’s face. Those daggers are back in full force. You quickly start shanking your head. “Fine. Something innocent that the future hubby approves of,” Loki sighs and holds open his arms for a selfie. You quickly snap a few photos. You didn’t expect him to be so tall in real life.

“If you ever want to be a little naughty, you know where to find me,” Loki adds quietly just before releasing you. You practically bounce on your toes back to Steve, giggles falling from your lips the entire way.

“If you’re done harassing my fiancée, I have a quick question for you. You had a run in with the feds. Do you know an Agent Coulson?”

“Nasty little bugger,” Loki grimaces. “Why? Is he on the hit list? It would really help me out if he was.”

“Afraid not,” Steve states shutting down the man. “He’s got a female partner. You know her?”

“How badly do you want to know, Mr. America?”

Steve crosses his arms over his broad chest as he thinks. “I got some new stuff from Venezuela. Just sourced it a few weeks ago.” Venezuela? A few weeks ago? “Really hard shit. We’re calling it tesseract.”

“Tesseract? Such a fucking pretentious name,” Loki chuckles.

“Yeah, well, fentanyl was taken.”

“Is it any good?”

“Got people dropping like flies left and right. I’ll send you a sample.”

“I don’t have much for a sample,” Loki goads.

“I don’t have much for junkie has beens either.”

Loki scowls at the blond. “Maria.”

“Maria what?”

“Like I said, I don’t have much for a sample.”

Your eyes ping pong back and forth between the two men as they negotiate.

“This is fucking powerful stuff. You don’t even know if you like it yet,” Steve counters with a small smirk.

“If I don’t, I know my brother will.”

“Fine. Tesseract and two dose of the serum.”

“Now we’re talking, Mr. Rogers,” Loki smirks. “Her last name is Hill.”

“Maria Hill?” Steve repeats earning a nod from the actor. Steve types something into his phone before focusing back on the man. “Pleasure doing business with you, Loki.”

“Leaving so soon?” Loki frowns.

Steve just grabs your coat and places it over your shoulders before picking up his own. “I’m a busy man. I’ll have your end dropped off tonight. Don’t use in all in one place.”

Loki scoffs as Steve leads you through the door and back out to his waiting car. He holds the the front passenger door for you before he drives away.

“I didn’t think he used hard drugs,” you whisper more to yourself than to Steve.

“Little star, you’d be surprised,” Steve sighs.

“He just seems so genuine in his movies and in interviews.”

“They say don’t meet your heroes.” Sound advice apparently.

“What about his brother?”

“Those two were my best customers when I was selling. Now they have to beg me for shit.” This is the most Steve has ever revealed about his seedy past.

“I met Thor a few years ago. He was so sweet,” you muse.

“Probably high as a kite,” Steve chuckles. “All you have to do is meet their sister and you’ll have the whole set.”

“They have a sister?”

“She’s their manager. They don’t talk about her much. She’s a bit of a tyrant.”

“They probably need that to stay in line.”

Steve smirks. “Probably. Are you hungry at all. Do you want me to stop and get you something?” You shake your head feeling more tired than hungry. Having all of that off your chest and on Steve’s strong shoulders felt like you lost 15 pounds. You finally feel like you can breathe. You open your mouth once more to ask him about it but his hand on your thigh reminds you not to.

Instead, you slip your hand under his so your fingers are interlocked. He brings the back of your hand to his lips to press a kiss there.

“We’re going to have to move the wedding up,” Steve mutters. “As soon as possible.”

“What? But-“ He grips your hand uncomfortably tight, making your voice die on your lips. “Okay,” you whisper simply. There’s no fighting this. Just go with it. “To when?”

“Next week.”

“Next week? There’s no time to get anything done in a week!”

“We’ll still have your big dream wedding but I need it to say you’re my wife on paper.”

You intake a sharp breath. Time to start thinking with your rational head. That’s what he’s doing. He’s trying to keep the two of you out of some kind of trouble…

“We can just elope. Make the big wedding a vow renewal in a couple of years. We’re just so in love, we can’t wait?”

“You’re the influencer. Is that what’s in now?”

“Big elaborate weddings are definitely out to save money for houses and trips,” you shrug. It wasn’t like that was an issue for Steve. But it will make you look much more relatable.

You’re drooping by the time you reach home. Steve can barely keep you awake long enough for the elevator ride.

You let out a yawn and break away from him to go to your room. You barely have enough energy to flop onto the bed.

Steve follows behind you to watch the whole thing play out as Jethro scrambles away just in time to miss your leg.

“That tired?” He chuckles. He picks you up and arranges the bed so you can be under the blankets. “Get some sleep, little star,” he bids and presses a kiss to your forehead.

You gasp awake. It’s far too hot and you need to pee and your arm is numb and you just fell from a 40 story building…

Ok, maybe that last one was just part of a dream.

You stumble out of bed anyway, trying to avoid your cat who has managed to make a bed between your scissored legs.

He gives you a questioning chirp despite your best efforts to avoid him.

“It’s okay. Go back to sleep,” you whisper and scratch the kitten’s head before rushing off to the bathroom. You barely managed to notice the sky outside is still pitch black. You wonder what time it is as you wash your hands and ponder returning to bed. You kind of want to take a shower…

6am on a Saturday? Blah! You need to go back to sleep on principle.

You opt for a quick shower but as you slide back into the enormous bed Steve got you and stare out the floor to ceiling windows as the sky slowly gets brighter.

Maybe you should go see what Steve was up to…

He’s probably asleep. You should leave him alone, you think as you tiptoe down the hall. His door is cracked open so you don’t even need to knock. You peak through and see his sleeping form still curled in his bed.

Of course he’s still asleep…

…

He wouldn’t mind if you joined him, would he?

You’d slept together before but that was after he invited you to his bed. So that was a forever invitation, right?

Before you finish rationalizing, your feet are already carrying you to his bed.

Your mind was back to reeling about everything that was going on. You just didn’t want to be alone.

You perch on the edge of the bed and watch for any signs of distress but he just keeps sleeping soundly. Snoring lightly as his arms curl over one of his pillows. He looks amazingly peaceful. You wish he could look like this while he’s awake.

You shouldn’t bother him…

You stand up and walk over to the other side of the bed. You notice a pair of glasses on his nightstand in the pale sunlight. You didn’t know he wore glasses. You pull back the blankets behind him and slide into the bed. God, he’s warm! The whole bed is a nice and cozy temperature so unlike your own where you move a fraction and you’re suddenly freezing.

You inch closer to him waiting for his breathing to sputter and for him to wake up. But he doesn’t. You finally reach his warm body and snuggle against him.

Mmmmm. Perfect. Your arms wrap around his torso and you fall asleep almost instantly.

You blink awake to the sound of running water and a clean smell. You let out a soft moan. You aren’t ready to get up. You turn over and snuggle back into the pillows.

Steve must be up and he already discovered you so why bother going now?

Well, maybe you should give him some space to get ready…

But you’re so comfy!

You pull the plush blankets up to your chin and start to doze off again. You vaguely hear the water turn off and resolve to waking up. You prop yourself up on one arm and rub your eyes with the other.

You let out a soft moan and yawn and stretch. When you open your eyes, you blearily see a figure. A very tall, muscular, and very naked figure.

Steve stares back at you for a moment with a towel in his wet hair.

There’s a pregnant silence between you as you watch each other. Your eyes can’t help but wonder down his naked body before snapping back up to his face.

The action seems to break whatever spell is over the two of you.

“Shit,” Steve hisses and drops his towel to his waist.

“Sorry!” You squeak at the same time and avert your gaze to the bed under you.

“No, no! I should’ve known you’d be awake.”

“No, I invaded your space without permission,” you quickly counter.

There’s a brief silence after your statement. “You don’t need permission to sleep with me.”

“I don’t?” You whisper and hazard a glance up at him.

He secures his towel around his waist and looks back up at you. “Never, little star.”

You watch each other for a moment now that he’s covered. Well, relatively covered. “I guess we’re even now,” you smile.

“I guess so,” Steve smirks and approaches the bed. “Is everything okay? Why are you in here anyway?”

“Um,” you sigh as he sits on the bed. “I guess, I just, I didn’t want to be alone,” you mutter.

“I get that.” Steve cups your face and directs your gaze back up at him. “Whatever I can do to help.” You nod. “It was nice to wake up next to someone,” Steve smiles.

“I really did miss you while I was home,” you admit.

“I missed you too.” He leans over and presses a kiss to your forehead. Then your cheek. Then your lips. Something flutters deep inside you and you smile against him.

“What are you so happy about?” Steve hums.

You just shake your head and grin. “You’re not going to tell me?”

“Nope,” you giggle and press another kiss to his lips.

“I think I know a way to get it out of you,” he grins and presses you down against the bed for an onslaught of kisses. You moan against his mouth as he finds his way on top of you, his elbows framing your face and his knees finding their way between your spread legs.

His kisses start to let up slightly as you chase his lips.

“Will you tell me now?” He mutters just breaths away from your lips. Your hands bend up against your chest, not really knowing what to do with them. He seems to notice and grips your hand to press a kiss to your palm.

“Maybe,” you smile.

“Maybe?” He repeats. “What do you want, my beautiful star? Cars? Houses? Power? You can have whatever you want.”

“I don’t want any of that,” you whisper.

“What do you want?”

“Just you,” you smile.

“You have me, star.” He presses one last kiss to your lips before flipping over on his back, taking you with him. You let out a silent gasp as you’re suddenly flipped over. Your hands land on his toned bare chest. Your skin flushes and you suddenly feel unbearably hot. “Now tell me what you think is is funny.”

“I-it doesn’t seem all that funny anymore,” you whisper.

“Oh no. You’re not getting away with it that easily.” His hands run down to your hips, holding you in place. Pinning you there under his ocean gaze.

“I just-it’s just you seem to enjoy my company more than Sam and Bucky’s.”

“Oh, I definitely do,” Steve grins. “I can’t do this with them,” he laughs.

“I mean, you could,” you giggle. “I don’t know how much they’d like it, though.”

“If I try, I need you there to back me up.” His laugh is so nice. It feels like it’s been far too long since you heard it.

You bend down and press another kiss to his lips. His hands travel further down over the curve of your ass. He squeezes you making squirm against him but he just spanks you in response. You smile against him and your kisses focus on sucking his bottom lip before trailing to his jaw.

“Hmm someone’s getting bold,” Steve groans as you nip just under his ear. “Where’d a virgin learn that?”

“You’ve seen my porn history,” you remind him.

“Fuck,” he moans and his body arches against yours and you feel exactly what you’re doing to him.

Your lips travel to the center of his throat just before you hear someone clear their throat.

“Sorry if we’re interrupting.” You hear the smile in Sam’s voice without even looking at him. Your face heats impossibly and you bury yourself in Steve’s chest.

Steve just groans tossing his head back into the pillows “You two are the absolute worst!”

“It’s not like you were going to fuck her,” Bucky laughs, leaning against one of the bed posts. “We figured you’d want to know we handled the little princess’s stalker problem.”

“Good. You did your fucking jobs. You want an award or something?” Steve mutters, exasperated. His tone makes you giggle as you peek out at the two men.

“Thank you, guys,” you offer in Steve’s lack of appreciation.

“You’re very welcome,” Sam grins.

“Don’t encourage them,” Steve warns softly. “We’re moving the wedding to next week.”

“Oh, because you two are so in love?” Bucky mocks before making a gagging face.

“That’s exactly it, actually.” You notice the blush on Steve’s face as he says the words. “At least that’s what we’re telling people.”

“Wait! Are you pregnant?” Sam asks, concern suddenly overcoming his features.

“No!” Both you and Steve cry at the same time. Why do people keep asking that?

“Up,” Steve sighs and taps your ass. You attempt to roll off of him as gracefully as possible.

“Shit, Stevie. If she wasn’t pregnant, you were ready to pump a baby into her,” Bucky laughs at Steve’s very evident hard on as he rolls out of bed and walks into the closet.

“Shut up!” Steve barks as he disappears through the double doors.

“We are really sorry for interrupting,” Bucky smirks but his words sound sincere.

“It’s fine. We probably needed to stop anyway,” you whisper.

“What are you two up to today besides not making me an uncle?” Sam asks sliding into one of the chairs surrounding the bedroom’s fire place.

“We just woke up. We haven’t really discussed anything. Maybe I’ll go try to find a dress or something for the ceremony…”

Bucky frowns at your statement. “You two should enjoy your weekend. Go see a movie or something.”

“Loki’s starring in a broadway show right now. I know how much you love him,” Sam suggests. You smile but shake your head. You’re a little conflicted about your love for him right now.

They do have a point though. You two hadn’t been on a proper date in over a month.

“Where are some good date spots?”

“You can do an escape room?” Sam shrugs.

“Stevie will end up breaking something,” Bucky laughs. “He likes to go dancing.” You quickly shake your head at that. You don’t like clubs or bars or anywhere dancing would normally be.

“Maybe a movie would be fun,” you smile.

“What do you like? Action? Horror? Romance?” Bucky asks with a lifted brow as he scrolls through his phone.

“What scary movies are playing?”

“Scarlet Witch: what will a mother do to get back her children?” Bucky quotes. “They’re saying it’s pretty scary. Maybe you can get Steve to hold your hand,” He goads. “7:30? 8:45?”

“Why are you two still here?” Steve asks walking out of the closet in much more clothes. A pair of grey slacks and a black polo cover up his perfect body.

“We’re planning you a date,” Sam grins.

“I can’t today. I have a couple of meetings,” Steve sighs.

“Bullshit,” Sam frowns. “I know all your meetings.”

“I can do things without you two,” Steve mutters.

“No need to be hostile,” Bucky sighs. “We’re just trying to make sure your girl doesn’t feel neglected.”

Steve looks down at you, still wrapped up in his sheets but you can just stare at a loose thread of Egyptian cotton.

“We’ll do something tonight,” Steve sighs.

You grin up at him. “7:30?”

“7:30.” He leans over in the bed and presses a kiss to your head. “If you go somewhere, take one of them with you.” You nod.

“Take care of her,” he instructs his friends.

You watch him as he leaves the bedroom and hear the front door close behind him.

“Where the fuck is he going?” Bucky barks at Sam.

“He’s got a lot going on,” Sam sighs. “Give him some space.”

“He’s so fucking dramatic.” You nod in agreement to Bucky’s statement. “What could he possibly be doing without us?”

You watch the two men for a moment before opening your mouth. “Probably jacking off.”

Bucky gives you a pointed look before bursting into laughter.

“That was a good one,” Sam agrees with a light chuckle. You think you’ve hung out with them enough for them to accept you into their fold. You feel pride at actually making them laugh.

“Since he’s gone, do you want to go shopping with me?” You smile up at the two.

A couple hours later, the three of you stop by Starbucks for breakfast than it’s off to Bergdorf for last minute dress shopping. You figured you can just get something off the rack for this last minute wedding. The judge won’t care if you’re not wearing a one of a kind designer gown. As long as you look good in it.

You found a dress you like but it’s just okay. You’re not really in love with it. And you refuse to compromise on this. You’ve made enough compromises…

And there’s plenty more shops to go!

“I’m tired of this,” Bucky grumbles as you peruse the racks of Bloomingdale’s.

“You can go sit,” you suggest.

“I’m tired of sitting!”

“This is only the second store,” you argue.

“How many stores are we supposed to go to?”

“Steve said one of you has to stay with me so suck it up,” you counter before sticking your tongue out at him.

“How about this one?” Sam asks, holding up a floor length silk gown.

“Too bedroom,” you frown.

“Don’t they have people to do this for you?” Bucky sighs, crossing his arms.

“They do, but shopping is therapeutic.”

“For who?” He barks.

You let out a defeated sigh as you finish looking through the evening gown section.

“Saks?” You ask Sam. He’s all in on this shopping trip and you love it. Maybe you should’ve left Bucky at home.

“Let’s do it,” he grins.

“Ugh!” Bucky groans.

You pass by the lingerie section on your way out of the store. A thought can’t help but come to mind.

“Hey,” you brooch the two men as you file into the town car waiting outside. “So, um, you guys know Steve better than anyone.”

“I guess,” Bucky sighs.

“I don’t think he’s told you this but I’m a virgin.”

“You’re a what?” Sam chokes on his coffee. Bucky’s eyes just widen at you and you start talking before either of them can say anything else.

“I know! You said something today and I realized he didn’t tell you which was really sweet of him to keep my personal business to himself but I need your help with something.” The words fumble out of your mouth in quick succession. You’re trying to do better so you make sure to pause between each word so they can understand you.

“You want us to break you in before the wedding night?” Bucky jokes earning a punch in the arm from Sam.

“How can we help, princess?”

“Um, I-I want to get something to wear for the wedding night,” you whisper as two sets of eyes watch you intently. “But I don’t really know what he’ll like…”

“I’m suddenly not tired anymore,” Bucky smirks.

“Cool it,” Sam scolds. “You’re sure you want us with you? Isn’t this kind of a friend thing?”

“My friends haven’t even met Steve. They won’t be much help. Like, what if I pick out a bunch of lacy frilly things and he’s more of a leather and chains guy?”

Bucky inhales sharply at your words and gives you a once over and that tells you he wants to say something wildly inappropriate but Sam rescues you.

“Honestly, you could wear a paper bag and he’d love it but of course we’ll help.”

You step into the nearest lingerie store and suddenly feel completely overwhelmed. There’s a lot of colors and textures and exposed skin to process.

“Hi! Welcome in!” An associate greets. “Let me know if you need anything.” You’re grateful that they seem to leave you up to your own devices while Bucky and Sam spilt up across the store.

You see something frilly and pink and immediately walk up to it. Cute. But definitely not sexy. Maybe Steve likes cute…

You think back to how he had you pinned under him and was about to make you his in every way. No, he probably doesn’t like cute…

You pick it up anyway. No harm in trying it on.

You’ve only found the one outfit when the sales lady steps up to you.

“Shopping for a special occasion?”

“Um, my wedding night,” you whisper.

“Oh! That is special! Which one’s the lucky guy?” She asks gesturing to the two men that followed you in.

“Neither. They’re my fiancé’s best friends.”

“Oh?” The looks of utter confusion on her face makes you laugh. “I know. We’re a little unconventional. I mean, we aren’t swingers or anything! I just figured I’d get a male perspective.”

She just hums and looks down at the set you’re holding. “What do you like?”

“Well, I’ve never really shopped for anything like this,” you admit.

“But I’m sure you’ve thought about it? You have to be comfortable, first and foremost.”

You nod. “Well, I like rainbows and hearts and pink. Maybe pastel purple. Girly stuff,” you shrug.

“I’ll take that and start a fitting room for you. And we’ll walk over to our softer things.” You nod and follow the woman to the corner of the store Sam and Bucky completely avoided.

“I like this section,” you smile.

“Have fun,” the associate bids and goes to help your companions.

Twenty minutes later you’re standing in the fitting area with your assigned associate, Jen. She lets out a deep sigh. “Alright, these are James’s picks,” she points at a cluster of dark leather and straps that intimidates you to no end. “These are Sam’s.” This group is just as dark but much more tame and full of lace. “And these are yours,” you couple of picks are the brightest part of the room right now. “Should we narrow it down before trying on.” You nod adamantly.

By the time you’re done, there’s about eight sets left. You’ve already decided you’ll probably get one from each pile. Now it was just a matter of picking which ones.

“I’ll go put these back. Let me know if you need any help.”

Then you’re left alone. You can hear Sam and Bucky chatting about nothing in particular in the sitting area outside of the dressing rooms. Maybe this is the part where you need some female guidance.

There was always FaceTime.

You try on the first few colorful ones you chose just to warm yourself up.

Maybe yellow looked really good on you. You turn and try to see your back side. You like it! One for the yes pile!

You like the first pink one you found too!

Okay. Maybe this would be easier than you thought.

Maybe not.

You hold up one of Bucky’s choices and Jen explained it to you very thoroughly before she left but you keep getting your leg tangled in the strap meant for the arm? Or maybe it goes around the back? This thing should really come with instructions…

“Hey, guys! Can you get Jen?”

“You need help?” Sam asks.

“Yes! But not from you two!”

“Oh, come on! We can help!” Bucky jokes.

“I’ll get her,” Sam sighs, ignoring his friend.

“Hey,” the woman knocks and you open the door.

“I know you told me how to do this but I think I’m stuck,” you laugh opening the door.

She giggles at your predicament. “Alright. We got this,” she assures you.

Once it’s on, you’re kind of shocked at how much you like it.

“Okay. I need, like, written instructions on how to put this on,” you insist as you turn in the mirror to get all of the angles.

“You like it?” Jen asked happily.

“I do! I think I found my freaky side,” you giggle.

“Oh, you already had a freaky side, princess,” Sam calls. You can’t help but laugh remembering he’s probably seen your porn history too.

You leave the store with two large shopping.

“Thank you, guys! This was fun!” You smile as you wait for the car.

Bucky just shrugs and sighs. “Steve better give me a detailed play by play when you wear that stuff for him.” You laugh at his statement and glance around the area. You’re near the fabric district here and there’s a fabric store across the street but that isn’t what catches your attention.

“That’s it,” you breathe.

You step out into the street just to get stopped by Sam before the car pulls up.

“Hey! Are you trying to kill yourself?” You don’t bother responding. You just point at the shop. “Okay. But we’re using the crosswalk,” Sam laughs tugging you along.

“It’s perfect!” You smile at the dress in the window. It’s looked like it was made of silk or satin but it was structured yet flowy, with a full skirt and train that looked just informal enough for a elopement but formal enough to know that it’s for a special occasion.

“It’s a dress,” Bucky grunts.

“Buck, we’ve been to three stores and she hated everything. I think this is important,” Sam rationalizes but you’re already half way in the building, phone out to capture whatever is about to happen because it’s bound to make good content.

You walk straight up to the counter to a brunette woman. “Hi, um, weird question, is that dress in the window for sale?”

“I’m sorry-“ she starts but the giant brunet behind you interrupts her.

“Name your price,” Bucky requests. “Ten grand? Fifteen? Rent around here must be crazy,” he goads.

The woman looks up at him then back at you.

“I’m sorry but that dress is just a display. It’s not finished.”

“Oh,” you frown. “Who designed it? Do they work here?”

“Actually,” she smiles, “he does. I’ll go get him.”

She disappears from the counter and into a back room.

She returns with a teenager stumbling behind her. He can’t be older than 16.

His gaze jumps between you and the two men behind you in confusion. “H-hi! Did you guys need help with something?”

“Did you design that dress?” You ask pointing at the window.

“Uh, yeah. It was just a project. Something to put out for fall…”

“Can you make me one?”

“Wha-“

“I’m getting married next week and I’ve looked all over LA and New York and this is the first dress I’ve fallen in love with,” you blurt out.

“We’ll pay whatever you want,” Sam states.

“Um, let me, uh, just consult with my aunt real quick.”

“Do it, Peter,” she smiles the second the words leave his lips.

“Alright. Let’s do it,” he grins.

“Is it okay if I film this?” You smile.

You’re measured and draped and pinned and hemmed and a mock up is made right there on the spot.

The shop keeper collects a bundle of white fabrics for you to choose from and you pick a bright white silk taffeta that looks amazing contrasting against your dark skin. You’re so in love already.

“Give me a couple of days and we’ll do the first fitting. Then it will just take me a day to make corrections.” You nod happily at your designer’s words. Sam give his aunt the down payment and you file back out into the street.

You let out the most content sigh you can muster since this whole ordeal started months ago.

-

“Guys it’s getting really real,” you sigh to your camera while doing your makeup. “Something came up and we decided to elope. We’re getting married sometime next week.” You already called Kate, Kamala, and Kahhori and told them the news. They complained for a moment about bridesmaids things and bridal showers but you explained to just wear something nice within the color range and Steve will pay for their last minute flights and lodging.

“We’re going to have a small ceremony, probably at the courthouse, with close friends. I finally found the dress today! You’ll have to wait for the wedding to see it but it’s perfect. Steve suggested doing a big thing in couple of years for our vow renewal but I think I like the idea of something small. We’re just ready to be one. And no, I’m not pregnant!” You laugh. “Anyway it’s probably our last date night as boyfriend and girlfriend. See you all at the alter,” you grin and end the video just as you hear the front door open.

His footsteps approach your room first and you look up happily.

“There’s my little movie star,” Steve smiles. He leans against the bathroom door and watches you go back to your makeup.

“How did your meetings go?”

He lets out a world weary sigh. “I’d rather not think about that.” You nod wanting to be his peace. “What are we wearing tonight?”

“I put some options out on your bed,” you instruct but he doesn’t leave. He just steps further into the room. He stoops over your seated form and wraps his long arms around your shoulders.

“Do I have time for a nap?”

“We have to leave in about an hour so I think so.” You smile at his reflection in your vanity mirror before picking up his hand and placing a kiss to the back of it. You notice his knuckles are bruised and raw.

“Steve, you want me to wrap this up for you?”

You’re already attempting to stand up but you realize you don’t even know where the bandages are.

“Oh?” He opens his eyes and examines his hand. “I guess I didn’t realize how messed up I got,” he chuckles.

You smile back at him and let him lead you to the first aid kit in his bathroom. You’re surprised you don’t ask him what happened. You wonder but you know the answer. He can’t tell you, he doesn’t want to get you involved, it’s best if you don’t know, blah blah blah. Why bother asking anymore?

The two of you settle on his bed while you assess the wound.

“Does it hurt?” You question while applying alcohol to the split skin.

“Not when you do it,” he grins making you giggle.

“There. All better.” You kiss both of his freshly bandaged hands.

“You’re the best,” Steve smiles.

“Get some rest. I don’t want you snoring during the movie.” You press a kiss to his forehead and move to get up but he grabs your hand.

He pulls you down into one of his breath stealing kisses making you smile.

You pull away slowly, glancing into his blue eyes.

“Stay?” He asks softly.

“I have to finish getting ready.”

“Please.”

You can’t say no to that. You curl around his large body and press another kiss to his lips. His hands run across your back, holding you close as he falls back into his bed. You smother your face into his neck and chest as he tangles his fingers in your locs. His breathing calms pretty quickly and it starts to lull you into a sense of comfort as well. You close your eyes.

Just for a few minutes…

You wake up and blink into the darkness. Steve’s weight rests partially on top of you. That groggy feeling that comes on when you fall asleep with the sun out and wake up and it’s pitch black starts to settle over you. You were supposed to wake up for something…

Oh shit! The movie! You tense up to sit up but find yourself hopelessly pinned under you fiancé. You probably missed it anyway.

You settle back down. Even Jethro is curled into your other side. You aren’t going anywhere.

You turn your head wondering if Steve has a clock in his room. You’re within arms reach of his nightstand and you remember he put his phone there before you sat down.

Your hand slaps across the wood searching for the little rectangle.

11:43? Ugh!

You guys need to find some food before everything closes.

“Steve,” you call and shake his shoulder. “Steve, are you hungry?”

He groans and holds you a little tighter, dragging you further under him.

“Steve,” you giggle. “You’re crushing me.”

“Good. It’ll keep you in my bed,” he mumbles. You laugh again and try to wiggle out from under him. “You’re too hot,” you whine.

He yawns and rolls off of you. “You’re pretty sexy yourself,” he mutters. You roll over and crawl up his chest. “Did we miss the movie?” You nod and give an affirmative hum. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize how tired I was.”

“It’s okay. I was pretty beat, too. But we should probably get some food.”

“Ugh,” he groans again and drops his arm back over you. “What do you want? What time is it?”

“Almost midnight.”

“Shit! We slept all evening!”

“Yeah, we did,” you laugh.

“I’m sorry, little star! I owe you a date.”

“I just wanted to spend time with you.”

“You’re spending all kind of time with me.” His fingers strum across your back making you smile.

“It’s just like adults to spend their time together sleeping.”

“What are we supposed to do? Go to Coney Island?”

“Well, we went to Disneyland.”

Steve chuckles and finally sits up dragging you along with him.

“What’s open this late?” He muses and grabs his phone. “IHOP? Dennys? Taco Bell?”

“My stomach can’t handle Taco Bell,” you laugh.

“You’re getting old,” Steve jokes in the light of his phone.

“Let’s go to IHOP!”

You change and jump into one of Steve’s cars for a short drive down the street. You opt for a booth in the corner hoping for some quiet but group of teenagers is sat a couple tables away from you dashing that dream.

Steve rolls his eyes as they talk loudly about the Aston Martin in the parking lot.

“Do you get that a lot when leave the house?” You ask quietly.

“How often do people see luxury cars at ihop?”

You just smile and point at the sugary pancake options. “Do you want to share one?”

“The Cinnamon Toast Crunch one!”

“Anything you want, star.” The waitress takes your orders before disappearing again.

“I was thinking we can do the wedding at my house in the Hamptons. Friday? Saturday?”

“You have a house in the Hamptons? Where don’t you have a house? Is the weather that close to the water nice right now? Who’s officiating?”

“All these fucking questions,” Steve chuckles. “You know I don’t know shit about these houses. It’ll be a little chilly but not coat weather. Sweater weather I guess.”

“I love that song,” you interrupt.

“Never heard of it. Natasha said she’s ordained and she’ll do it.”

“That’s nice of her. At least it won’t be a stranger. Probably Saturday. We can do, like, an early afternoon ceremony then brunch.”

“I’ll let the planner know.”

“You didn’t tell me there’s a planner,” you blanch.

“You didn’t tell me what you did with Sam and Bucky all day,” he counters playfully.

“Oh? I found the dress! It’ll be ready hopefully by Wednesday.”

“Good,” Steve smiles. “What else did you do?” He asks pointedly and you know one of them talked.

“Um, we went to a lingerie store to…get something for the wedding night,” you whisper.

Steve smirks at your words and leans back in his seat, crossing his arms. “You don’t have to get all dolled up for me. I like what I see.”

You giggle and glance away. “I just want it to be special.”

“You’re going to let me have you?”

“You’re going to be my husband,” you rationalize.

He regards you for a moment before slipping from his side of the booth to join you on yours.

He curls over you and presses a kiss to your lips.

“It would be an honor.” You lift yourself up to kiss him back.

“I don’t just pass my virginity out to anyone. You better know what you’re doing.”

He smirks at that then asks you a question that feels completely out of left field. “Do you want kids?”

“I-wha-?”

“I know you’re not on birth control. But I had a vasectomy almost 20 years ago and I have no intention on reversing it for no reason. So, do you want kids?” His brow lifts. In that quiet booth, the two of you start to plan your future.

“Do you want kids?” You counter, looking up at him through your lashes.

“I do. I’d love it if you’d make me some. But not yet. I think we need to practice this marriage thing for a bit.”

You nod in agreement. The two of you are silent for a moment before you look back up at him. “Who told you?”

“Oh, you know it was Buck,” Steve chuckles. “He’s pissed off I didn’t tell him you were a virgin.”

“It’s such a big deal to him. I still masturbate. It’s not like I’m untainted,” you laugh.

Steve takes a sharp inhale and clears his throat before answering. “Guys are just into that sort of thing, star. They think they can mold you into what they want. But you know what you like, huh?” He mutters so close to you ear a shiver goes down your spine.

“D-do you like that? That I’m a virgin?”

He hums in thought as his hand around your waist grips your side before dropping down to your hip. “I don’t like that I’ll have to be gentle with you,” he frowns. “I’m a little rough in the bedroom. But,” he sighs, “I’ve never been with a virgin. It will be fun to learn with you.”

“Y-you can be rough,” you whisper.

“No. I want you to enjoy your first time. It’s gotta be good or you’ll hate sex. I don’t want you telling me you have a headache or you’re on your period five weeks in a row because you don’t like how it feels. We have to figure each other out.”

He stops talking as your food is brought out. Steve starts cutting up his omelette but you just stare at your French toast.

“Should we start?”

“Start what?” Steve asks around around a mouthful.

“Start ‘figuring each other out’? So it won’t be so…awkward?”

“I’ve been fucking trying but every time I do my dumbass friends walk in.” You burst into laughter at his statement and how true it is.

“You managed to find some of the most fantastic cockblocks,” you manage between giggles.

“Some of the best in the business,” Steve agrees with a chuckle.

“Were they like that with Peggy?”

“Oh, they were the fucking worst! I don’t know how they knew every time we were trying to have sex. They’d call. They’d knock. Buck always just let himself in. He didn’t even feel bad about it.” You smile at him reminiscing about his late wife. It’s sweet. “And when Nat was in town, forget about it. We just went to bed fully clothed every night because she may just be doing laundry or cooking in our house the next morning. It was like they had a tracker on me.”

“They just love you.”

“My wife loved me, too!” He argues making you giggle.

“Okay, they just have keys to the house, right? Do they have keys to the bedrooms? We’ll lock the bedroom door.”

“Then they’ll just bang on the door.”

“Loud music! Or we can wear headphones with noise cancellation!”

“This is so much work to have sex,” Steve groans a little too loudly garnering the attention of the teenagers.

“Oh my God,” you laugh and hide your face in his cable knit.

“You kids got a problem?” He barks at them only making you laugh harder.

“Stop!” You cry, tugging lightly on his sweater. He just chuckles at your embarrassment.

“Eat your food so I can take you home and fuck your brains out,” Steve adds just as loudly to make sure the kids overhear it.

“I’m going to kill you!” You laugh as tears start to fill your eyes.

“Good luck with that, star.”

Steve drapes his arms over your shoulders as you step back into the house. He bends down to press a kiss to your temple and holds his nose there, nuzzling against you.

“You wanna take a shower with me?”

You almost whip out of his hold you turn so fast.

His expression quickly turns to amusement. “Too soon?”

You nod immediately as your face heats with a blush.

“Alright. Go get ready for bed and I’ll come find you.” He pulls you in for another forehead kiss before branching off to his bedroom.

You watch him as he walks away. This man is about to be your husband. He’s gorgeous. He’s kind. He’s surprisingly gentle. And you can’t even bring yourself to shower with him?

“Wait!” You call grabbing his hand. He hums, turning back around to face you. “Just showering, right? Like we aren’t going to do that until Saturday?”

Steve smiles and nods. “Just showering.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll shower with you,” you spell out with a light laugh at how ridiculous you feel like you sound.

He just smirks at you an pulls you into him to hold your hand properly.

He surprises you and takes you to your room. Well, you guess it makes sense. All of your toiletries are in there.

He turns on you once you reach the end of your bed.

“I’m going to take your clothes off,” he tells and sits on the end of your bed.

“Oh! N-no! I can take them off myself.”

He shakes his head and pulls you between his legs. “I’m taking off your clothes.”

“Are you sure? We can just meet in the shower…”

He shakes his head again and plays with the hem of your sweater. “I want to take off your clothes.”

“…want to?” You question, letting your hands fall to his shoulders.

“I want to,” he repeats pulling you into a soft kiss.

“Okay,” you whisper after pulling away.

“Okay.”

He lifts the hem of your shirt that he’s been toying with up and over your head.

He inhales sharply once you’re left in your bra and leggings. “Shit,” he breathes. “I forgot how gorgeous you were under all of these clothes.” You giggle and move your arms to cover your chest. “Aht!” He scolds, pulling your arms away. “Don’t you dare hide yourself from me.” You smile and place your hands back on his shoulders. He presses your leggings down your hips and he helps you step out of them. “Fucking perfect,” he sighs.

He pulls you closer to him. “Can I touch you here?” He ask, tucking his finger in the little strap between the cups of your bra and pulling you even closer. His face is breaths from your cleavage. You bite your lip and nod. “Can I hear you say it?”

“Yes,” you whisper.

“Yes…?” He asks pointedly with a lifted brow.

“Yes, you can touch my boobs?”

“Good girl.” A soft whine escapes your lips at his praise. He hums positively. “New kink unlocked?” He smirks and presses a kiss to one of your breast. You take a sharp intake. “Has anyone ever touched you here?” You shake your head. He presses another open mouth kiss to your breast. “Didn’t I tell you I want to hear that sweet little voice?”

“No, no one’s ever touched me there.”

You don’t even notice his hands moving until your bra falls away. You move your hands to catch it but his hands stop you once again. “You want to be my good girl, don’t you?” He asks.

You start to nod before thinking better of it. “I want to be your good girl.”

“Good.” His teeth graze the skin just below your nipple and you let out a shuttering breath. His hands slide down your body and tuck into your thong.

Oh?

He slides the piece of cloths down your legs and releases them to fall to the floor. Then his hands grip your ass. You gasp at his tight grip and then his lips wrap around one of you nipples.

Oh God!

“Little star?” He asks making your brain come back to him, back to your bedroom, back to earth. Your eyes flutter open and you meet his blue gaze. His hand presses against your lower stomach while he looks up at you. “Can I touch you here?”

“Yes, please. You can touch my pussy. You can touch me everywhere,” you whimper.

He chuckles softly and lets his hand slide down to your slit.

“How do you masturbate, little star? Do you play with your clit?” He presses into the bundle of nerves that makes your knees so weak that you fall into his hold. He catches you so easily that you wonder if he did it on purpose. “Or do you like something a little deeper?” His fingers slide further into your body making you whine. They brush against the front of your insides with the precession of an expert. You’ve never explored that deep. It was a place for tampons and menstrual cups. A place you didn’t explore unless you had to. It was a little scary to you but he wasn’t scared at all. He almost seemed excited for some reason. It felt strange which is why you stayed away from sex. You were about to let him know that you preferred your clit to be played with-

“Oh god!” You choke.

“There it is,” Steve chuckles. He lifts you up so easily and lays you across the bed. He lays next to you just massaging that spot making your writhe against him. You want him to stop but your mouth begs for more. You’ve never felt more out of control of your own body. You grip his arm trying to push him away but your hips lift closer to him. You pant for air as your body arches against the bed.

“Nggh,” you whine, and attempt to smother your face in the bedding.

“Let it out, little star. Use your words.”

“Too much!” You gasp.

“Nah. You can take it.”

“Ste-please!”

“It’s okay. It’s just me. You can do it,” he encourages.

He’s doing something to you your vibrator could never. It’s never felt like this. You’ve never felt like this.

Then he presses against your clit.

“Ah! Ahh!” You gasp as your core contracts in a powerful orgasm.

But he doesn’t stop.

And your body doesn’t stop.

“Aaaa! Fuuuuu!” You cry as you feel yourself cum, a stream of liquid pouring out of you. You attempt to quickly get up to clean up the mess but Steve holds you down, pressing against your clit and that spot inside of you. “Buhuhu-“ you gesture to your core.

“The maid will deal with it,” Steve reasons. “Relax. Breathe.” You let out a heavy breath and let the orgasm continue to wash over you. “There you go. Good girl.” You whine and wiggle your hips against his hold. “My good girl. My little star.” You whimper and try to relax your tense body as the after shocks pulse through you. You take a few deep breaths and Steve finally releases you. He pulls you into a kiss, pressing himself over you.

You let out a heavy moan when he pulls away.

Steve chuckles and kisses you again. “Was that good?”

You take a deep breath and sigh it out. “Yeah. That was really good,” you smile before covering your face with your hands. “Fuck. That was amazing,” you laugh.

“Amazing, huh?” Steve laughs.

“Yeah,” you giggle.

He presses another kiss to your lips before his hand runs down your body to land on your stomach.

“I think I’ve gotten you nice and dirty. Time for a shower?” You nod and let out yawn and stretch. “Did I wear you out?”

You giggle and roll into a seated position just to give him a goofy, little grin. “I can do that all day.” He chuckles and lifts you into his arms to walk you both to the bathroom.

He places you on the counter. “Brush your teeth and do all that shit girls do.” He kisses your forehead and leaves the room. You imagine he went to brush his own teeth.

You quickly set about your nightly routine, chiefly aware of just how naked you are. Sure, you go naked all the time in your own home. But this was not your home. This was a space where far too many people had access to.

Maybe you just need to discuss that with Steve and have him set some boundaries. Yeah, boundaries are good.

You finish washing your face when your fiancé returns.

Very naked.

“Oh!” You squeak and look away.

Steve just laughs and wraps his arms around you, pulling him back against his very naked body.

“Get used to it, star,” he chuckles. He presses another kiss to your temple and steps away to turn on the shower. This was all so bizarre. It was out of the norm enough to live with him but now you were getting used to seeing him naked.

You just watch him for a moment, trying to get over the strangeness of it all.

“You’re beautiful,” you finally mutter when he meets your gaze.

He lifts an amused brow at you. “You think so?”

You nod. “Like, I can tell you really take care of yourself.” He hums in response before holding his hand out for you. You press yourself away from the counter and finally approach him. He steps into the open shower area.

“Hot enough?” You hold out your hand before turning up the heat. “I forgot what it was like showering with a woman. You guys like to boil.” You giggle but can’t help but agree with him. You wrap up your locs to the top of your head and tuck them into a shower cap before finally joining him.

He’s hard.

Not like porn star hard but you’ve seen him not hard and this was not it. Half mast, maybe.

He tucks his fingers under your chin and pulls you into a gentle kiss.

“Are you like that because of me?” You ask glancing at his member.

“What do you think?” He smirks. “All that moaning and whining coming from that pretty little mouth while having that gorgeous body pinned under me. What man wouldn’t get hard?”

You smile sheepishly, feeling guilty for his state.

But you’re supposed to be figuring each other out, right?

“Can I help?”

“There’s a lot of ways you can help. How do you want to help?”

“I mean, I’ve seen stuff,” you whisper as the water hits your body. “What do you like?”

“What do you want to try?”

“Um…” you squirm under his scrutiny. “Can I just, um, start with my hand? Is that, like, a beginner level?” You laugh nervously at your own question.

“We can start however you want.” He takes your hand and pulls you closer to him so you’re almost chest to chest. “Firm grip, okay? It’s not going to feel like anything if you’re just limp wristing it.” You giggle at his words and finally wrap your hand around his penis. Steve bites back a soft groan at your touch.

“This is the first one I’ve ever touched,” you admit softly.

“That might be a good thing. I can teach you exactly how I like to be touched.” Steve’s hand wraps around yours and he grips your fingers a little tighter around him. “Nice tight grip,” he mutters. You watch his hand intently for his instructions but your eyes can’t help but wander to dick that you’re holding. It’s pretty thick. Your fingers don’t surround the entire thing.

He moves your hand up and down the shaft just a little faster than what you would’ve done on your own.

“That’s it. Just like that,” Steve groans and falls back against the tiled wall. He releases your hand to pull you closer so your body presses against his once more, skin against skin as your chest meets his. His hands run up your ass before settling low on your hips.

You follow his instructions carefully before trying something you’ve seen and read about so many times. Your thumb swipes over his swollen head and he let out a shuddering breath making you light up.

“Is it sensitive there?” You ask innocently. You genuinely want to know as you go back to squeezing.

“A little,” he grunts.

“Am I doing a good job?”

“You’re a fucking pro, star,” he chuckles softly, finally meeting your gaze.

“I have a good teacher,” you smile and stand on your toes to kiss him.

He groans loudly after you pull away and halts your hand.

“Do you want to try something else?”

“Like what?” You whisper. Your curiosity must be plastered all over your face.

He smirks down at you and nods his head slightly to the stone shower bench. “Sit.” You glance at the ledge that up until now you’ve just used for shaving. You know what he’s going to ask. You’ve seen it. Your eyes look back at him wide with disbelief.

“It won’t fit,” you state simply like that will stop him.

“It doesn’t have to fit. That’s what those cute little hands are for.”

You follow his instructions and sit back on the shower seat and he stands between your legs.

“Start slow. Just use your tongue. Like its candy.”

You nod and grip him again at this new angle. You lean closer and open your mouth to give him a kitten lick. A salty tang hits your tongue that’s unlike anything you’ve ever tasted. It’s not exactly bad. You lick again before finally filling your mouth with his tip.

“Don’t forget the rest,” Steve coaches. You remember your hands as you squeeze along his shaft, stroking him as you suck experimentally. “That’s perfect,” Steve sigh. His hand finds your jaw and coaches you to take on a little more. His hand massages your throat and you try to appease him. Before you know it, your lips are halfway down his shaft and his cock is touching the back of your mouth.

“Good girl. My good little star. So fucking perfect for me,” Steve moans. Part of you glows with pride at his praise and you just want to please him. You feel him jump in your hands and he swells slightly.

“Fuck,” he groans and grips your throat a little tighter. “Gonna cum.” You hold on to him, not letting up with either your mouth or your hands. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuu,” he sighs and spills into your waiting mouth. You gasp in surprise and pull away just for more to spirt out over your face and chest.

You get that taste of him again. It’s not really bad. It’s different. You swipe what lingers on your chest with your fingers and suck it off.

You kind of like it.

You glance up to see Steve watching you like a predator as you suck his essence off of your fingers.

“I’m sorry. Did you not like it?”

“I fucking loved it, star,” he growls making you want to cower away but you can’t help but lean in closer. “We have to wait until the wedding?” You nod and lick at his tip again as a little bead of cum bubbles out while he watches you. “Shit,” he curses and pulls you up so you’re standing against him. “Let’s get you cleaned up. I don’t know how much longer I can be good.” You giggle at his words and finally take a shower.

Once you’re clean, dried, and lotioned, you cuddle against Steve in your bed. Jethro curls up next to you as usual while the two of you talk quietly.

“You’re sure we can’t wear clothes?” You question, making sure the sheets covered your chest.

Steve hums positively while he covers his face with his arm and lets out a loud yawn.

“You need get used to this,” he explains simply. “We’re being intimate.” You curl over him, wrapping your leg over his hips. He holds it in place with the hand that was over his face and massages your thigh.

You finally let your hands explore his body as well. “You have really big pecs,” you smile touching the skin there. He chuckles softly and tickles behind your knee making you giggle and press his arm away.

“That was a weird compliment.”

“I don’t know if it’s a compliment. You have bigger boobs than mine.”

“Let me see.” He pulls you up so you’re sitting straddled on his stomach. All of the blankets fall away but you don’t have time to feel exposed as Steve cups your breasts in his palms. He scrutinizes them for a moment. “You’re definitely bigger,” he finally decides.

“Barely. I’ve always thought they were too small. I kind of want a boob job,” you admit.

He glances from your chest to your face. “I think they’re perfect. But if you want your boobs done, you just have to ask.”

You smile at his offer. “You like them?”

He takes a deep breath and bends his knees so you can lean back against them. “I love them. I think if they were bigger, they wouldn’t fit your body.”

“It’s just something I’ve thought about since I was younger,” you sigh. “What about you? Any changes you want?”

“Well, you said I was beautiful. I guess I’m good,” Steve laughs making you giggle.

“You don’t have any insecurities?”

“Of course I do. I’m still human. I’m not perfect.”

“You seem perfect. Like a Ken doll.”

“Is that what you think?” You nod. “I used to weigh less than you,”

“No way!”

He nods and pulls at your hands so you’re lying against his chest.

He’s held you like this before but with no clothes, it no longer seemed so innocent…

“I still have all kind of health issues. Asthma, a heart murmur, I can barely fucking see without my contacts. Remind me to take them out before I fall asleep. I thought if I made the outside better, it would fix the inside. The inside still sucks.”

You hold him a little tighter at the new information.

“Do they have scoliosis Ken?” He asks and you smile.

“Tell me something else,” you request.

He takes a deep breath and you notice just how out of sync his heartbeat is as you press your ear to his chest. “This is really shitty,” he warns.

“Lay it on me.”

“Um, okay.” He’s never sounded so unsure of himself like that. “This is something no one knows. Not even Buck.” You perk up at his words. “I’ve only been with one other woman since Peggy died. It was technically her niece. She’s my age! Maybe your age. Whatever! She’s an adult,” he quickly disclaims before you can call the cops. He takes another deep breath. “And…I met her at Peggy’s funeral.”

“What the fuck?” You bark at the man, shooting up quickly.

“I know. It was so shitty. That’s why I’ve never told anyone that. Ever,” Steve confides.

“And you never should!” You cry and smack his chest lightly. “Shit! I’m sorry,” you immediately recoil at hitting him knowing how fragile he is under all that muscle.

“It’s okay,” he laughs. “I deserve it. I just want you to know I’m not perfect.”

“Well, you keep ruining that image with each word,” you pout, and lay back down against his chest.

“Your turn,” Steve sighs, running his fingers through your locs.

You think back through your life for a moment. “Um, I’ve only been in one relationship. It was while I was in college. It was my first serious relationship but he just got out of a relationship with a girl that cheated on him.” Steve hums in understanding as his grip on you tightens. “He kept, like, projecting her onto me, suspecting me of cheating, questioning everything I did. I didn’t really want to do anything with him after a few dates but he couldn’t catch a hint. Then he slept over once and he tried to-“ Steve's grip on you becomes deafening.

“Steve, I can’t breathe,” you wheeze.

“Oh, shit! I’m sorry, star,” he releases you quickly but you don’t want to be released while you recount this moment. You want to be held down. You want to be tethered.

“Wait, don’t let go,” you whisper.

“If the next words out of your mouth are that he forced himself on you, I can’t guarantee what I’ll do with my hands,” he admits.

“I mean, I stopped it before anything happened but it kind of turned me off of dating. I just put my head down. Focused on school and my friends.”

“I just need a name, star. It’ll be like he never existed.”

“He was young and dumb. We both were.”

“That’s not an excuse,” Steve says flatly.

You just hum. You haven’t shared that with anyone either. “Can I tell you something?” You say after a moment and sit up again on his chest. “You were so gentle and patient with me that you restored my trust. And you didn’t even know any of my past. So, thank you.”

“I hope you’re not giving yourself to me because I was the first guy to be nice to you,” he smirks, reaching up to cup your face with his hand.

“No, of course not,” you smile. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation for either of us, but I want you to come home and be happy to see me. To confide in me. Unwind with me. Be like a normal couple.”

He pulls you down into a soft kiss. “I’m already happy to come home to you.” You giggle softly. “The rest of it will come with time.” He lets out a heavy yawn.

Time. It’s always time with him.

“You need to go take out your contacts,” you remind him and roll off of his chest.

He hums in agreement and slides out of the bed. “Don’t go anywhere,” he warns and yawns again. You can’t help but watch his butt as he walks off.

He’s got a cute butt.

You snuggle into your bed, taking up the spot he warmed up to stave off the cold. You start to doze off when you feel the bed dip and Steve wrap his arms around you. You drape your arm over his shoulder and snuggle into his chest.

“Goodnight, Steve,” you mutter.

“‘Night, my little star.”

Chapter 3 | Master List | Chapter 5

[hotpotatoshealthjourney]

At some point, I’ll copy over all my sites where you can find me so that it’s here as well. There are a bunch. Main one I wanna point out is my Onlyfans though. Being disabled but not qualifying for disability, my paid Onlyfans is my only income, and it’s hard living on just Sir’s income.

Especially with all my meds. I take 16 meds currently unless I missed something. My DMT (the ms medicine that helps prevent relapses and progression, which is super important, is currently 7-8k a year. Every year. That’s the most expensive one (and that’s with amazing insurance), but they all cost a tiny fortune combined. Yes, it’s a lot. They all help me in various ways from helping with my chronic pain (which never goes below a 4 or 5 on the pain scale), helping with my MS spasms, helping me sleep, preventing the cluster headaches, etc.

It’s a lot. I’m very lucky, because I haven’t had side effects with any of them, or really anything we’ve tried honestly. I’m super super lucky about that. Most people go through several meds for things to find something without side effects.

Currently, after my recent relapse, I can’t walk without a walker. But in the last week I’ve gone from “I can’t go 10 feet” to “I can go pretty easily 4 or 5 times that.” I’m terrible at judging distances though. I got a new walker that has rotating wheels on front (makes getting around soooo much easier) and also wheels on the back. It’s soooo much nicer. And it has a place to sit, which also lifts up to store stuff. And there’s breaks on it. I love it.

Need to call the home health pt people in the morning because they still haven’t called me. I’m very frustrated about this. I would have liked to have started it before this trip. I’m kind of making it up as I go along. But it’s painful and exhausting. Today I mostly used my wheelchair because I was too tired to use the walker. But it was a good day anyway. Beautiful scenery was the name of the game today.

I’m supposed to be asleep now but clearly my brain is going too much to sleep. I think I’m going to be out cold soon though. So exhausted but such a good vacation so far. I needed this bonding time with the kiddos. They are going to be with their grandparents most of the summer.

My newest symptom is that my feet and ankles keep swelling up every day. Today they were so swollen by the time we got back to the room that it hurt and they felt like they were going to explode. I immediately went to the couch and put them up on my walker seat to elevate them. I wanted to be in my pjs but I needed to rest them that way some first. Not a fan of this new symptom, but I ordered some compression socks which should help once it’s not 100 degrees outside.

Can’t wait to get home and make some videos for this for you guys. If you have any specific questions or issues that you want me to discuss, just let me know. I’m pretty much an open book, so anything that doesn’t involve my family is probably something I’ll answer. (I think questions that involve @postal-raccoon or Sir if you don’t know us should be fine). Feel free to send my asks or PMs, I’m totally ok with other, as long as the pm is more than just “hey” “hi” or “hello”. Give me a complete sentence or two and I’ll reply when I can. Give me an actual question or more and I’ll try to reply in a video if I can!

So excited for this new spinoff. Eeek!

[tinnifast]

Food log, 11/7: 1 can of soup (240), 1 large caramel coffee (650), 2 cups chopped/seasoned cauliflower (60), 1 probiotic shake (130), 3 fudge stripe cookies (210)

Tried to give myself this metabolism day yesterday because I was stuck and needed to put on a little weight for the doctor’s appointment, and MAN I ate like shit lol, especially the coffee and those cookies.

I drank a ton of water and wore some heavier clothes but was still 4 pounds less than my appointment weight from October. Thankfully doctor attributed it to me wearing heavier clothes last time during a cold front (ironically enough I showed up in shorts and a tank top regardless of the cold front but I guess she didn’t remember)+ my current infection but idk wtf I’m gonna do at my next appointment at the end of the month- because of my chronic health condition they don’t want me doing any sort of body or lifestyle changes like weight loss until they fully get what’s wrong with me under wraps. I’ll probably have to wear my adjustable ankle weights under my baggy sweats and pray to god they don’t make me undress for any reason. My iron has crashed really bad so doc is making me start taking more supplements which I know will make me constipated + a new med that’s known to cause weight gain… not looking forward to that.

I legit expected to put on a ton of weight because of everything, but good news is… all the food yesterday helped me have the first BM I’ve had in days and I actually dropped! 166.8! I moved the scale around the room, weighed multiple times bc I couldn’t believe it- but it’s real! That’s the lowest reading I’ve had since my relapse started and I’m so excited that I finally got under 167.0 after being stuck there for like four days.

Idk how I’m gonna eat today yet. Probably the usual combo of soup and some other junk but I’m really going to try to keep it light less I tempt the scale into going back above 167.0

-tinni💙

[whentherewerebicycles]

time to declutter my brain by making some LISTS!!!! 

time available to me in the immediate future:

had amazing weekend in pittsburgh! am flying home tonight so will have about 5-6 hours of airport and flight time where i can work on whatever

i have only one meeting & one tiny work task on the agenda for tomorrow so i will have that entire day

wednesday morning is packed with meetings but i’ll be finished by 12 and then will have the rest of the day to run errands, pack, and do other last-minute trip stuff

thursday morning will be a bit of a mad scramble but then i will have 10-11 hours of sustained work time on the plane to use however i want

things i need to get done: 

pre-trip errands. i ordered a shitload of travel clothes & other stuff that all arrived this weekend, so i need to try everything on, decide what i’m taking with me, and drop off all returns before i leave. i also need to buy dog food, water plants, and pay some medical bills.

campus visit. i’ve gotten too far in the weeds with all the prep work and research, which is fine, like i needed to do that reading and thinking, but also now it’s time to step back from it a little bit and start thinking about the pieces i’m going to pull out for the actual talk. the sooner i can get a detailed outline together the less stressed i’ll feel, so i think i may spend tonight’s plane ride outlining by hand (since writing things out instead of typing helps me organize my thinking more efficiently). i want to think about several possible configurations for that hour, and then i also want to create a to-do list so i have a clearer sense of the stuff i need to prep or script in the next couple weeks.

i know i am going to put a lot of pressure on myself to do this “perfectly” or whatever, but i want to try to gently push back against that impulse. i am so prepared for this interview. the presentation doesn’t have to convey absolutely everything because i will have the entire day to answer questions and bring up things i want to mention. my goal is to not get lost into the details but to keep my messaging simple, direct, and compelling. i also read a bunch of articles in the chronicle this morning about how hard it is for universities to recruit and retain talented admin staff right now, and that made me feel a bit better about going into the interview. interviews are two-way evaluations and if they are interested enough in me for this role to invite me to campus, they are also going to be feeling some pressure to make this a positive experience and to convince me that this is the place i want to be.

IUI planning. i test tomorrow but kind of have a gut feeling this cycle didn’t work! i know i’ll be disappointed if the test is negative but i also think i’m so busy with other stuff that i’ll move on pretty fast and be ready to try again. i just need to reach out to my doctor before my trip to see what she thinks about squeezing something in around the travel and the campus visit - the timing will get a little hairy so it might not be worth it to try this month. we’ll see! but i have to do that before i leave as i need to know if i should take the meds with me & i also will need to set up my sister with the info to call the donor bank for me.

fic comments. lol my goal for this last cycle was to do 14 comments in 14 days and i only managed to do 4!! i will cut myself some slack here as when i set the goal i didn’t know about the job interview yet and didn’t anticipate that other stuff would fill all that open time. but i might try to do a few more on the plane tonight - maybe i can get to 7 at least. 

okay! there’s a lot ahead of me but honestly i think i did a ton of good work in march and that has prepared me to roll into a very busy april in a reasonably calm state of mind. i can handle everything that lies ahead. and wow i’m about to have a very cool travel experience too!! and basically two full weeks where  don’t have to think about my current job for even a second! i know i’ll probably be tired at the end of the trip but i hope it’s also a good brain break for me.

[heavenlyhopeful0]

Well damn, hey y’all.

I am breathing and my heart is pumping.

I did not fall off the face of the earth.

Yet.

Sorry for the hiatus, I’ve had a lot going on to the point I let my updates slip through my fingers.

Majority of it was was a bad bout of depression, which hasn’t gone away but I’m getting better at pushing through.

A lot has happened in the 3 week hiatus; pulling teeth to get my appointment to see my neurologist and get an appointment to get new AFOs. Pulling teeth to get my genetics appointment with UCSF and the Neurologist/ Rehab doctor at UCSF.

Thankfully, I saw my neurologist earlier today. He got the letter to write the referral for my new AFOs, and he gave me a new prescription for baclofen to try again for my spasticity. Also I applied for some parking placards.

My genetic appointment is in June, via Zoom. Apparently I have to be in California for that which makes 0 sense.

And I see the Rehab doc, Dr. Abrams, March 7 at one o’clock.

I’m going to try some other non med options that are said to help spasticity. If I can manage my spasticity more naturally, I’d definitely want to go that route instead of the meds.

These include:

1. Workouts

2. Stretching

3. A vibration platform

These things I’ve already been doing regularly.

The other options include:

4. Cherry juice

5. Chamomile tea

6. Chamomile essential oil to rub into the spastic area

7. Blueberry smoothies

8. Bananas

9. Almonds

10. Yoga/ Pilates

11. Magnesium

Honestly, I’m 1000% overwhelmed.

So, my spasticity is the next goal on my list that I am working to take care of. Hopefully, once I can get a better handle on it, I’ll be able to start driving again and ditch my walker officially.

Until next time,

[bokura-no-digital-world]

Jou Week 2022 - Day 2: Relationships

Days: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Title: The Pediatrician Characters: Jou Kido, Gomamon, Himawari Mizushima (OC), Mimi Tachikawa, Palmon and a couple of unnamed OCs. Summary: Jou's classmates tease him during the Pediatric rotation. Note: I want to apologize beforehand if I got any of the medical language wrong. The knowledge I have about it comes from medical TV shows. Feel free to correct me if there's something wrong. Jou woke up with more energy than usual that morning. He has recently started the rotations in the hospital he was doing his internship at. He was going to start his pediatric rotation that day. “You seem to be in very high spirits today.” Gomamon said from his bed. “Is there a specific reason?” “Good morning to you too.” He said to his partner in a light tone. “No specific reason, I’m just excited about the rotations we’re doing in college.” “Really? What are these?” “Rotations mean going through different areas in the hospital for about two weeks.” “That sounds interesting. Are you starting it today?” “No, we started two weeks ago. Today we are going to start the pediatric rotation.” “That’s cool.” “It is.” Jou smiled. “I’ll tell you all about it when I come back later.” “Okay. Have a good day at work.” “Thank you, Gomamon.” He petted him. “Mimi won’t take long to come pick you up. I’ll stop by her house later.” “Got it.”

****

The smell of crayon mixed with baby powder and medicine was almost inebriating for Jou. It reminded him the times when he was a toddler and often had to stay at the hospital daycare where their parents worked. Most of the times he tried to sneak out to be with his brothers, but someone always found him and took him back to the room. He couldn’t help but notice how much things changed since then. Kids nowadays are much more attached to electronic devices than his generation. He looked around and didn’t see anyone around, so he checked his watch to see if he was too early, but he wasn’t. “Excuse me.” Jou walked to a woman behind a counter near the elevator. “Can you tell me if Dr. Mizushima has already arrived?” “Yes, she’s in room three with med students doing rounds.” “Rounds? But that’s not possible, they were supposed to start at eight.” “They did.” “But now is eight.” “Actually, it’s nine.” “Nine?” He checked his watch one more time and then the clock on his phone, and his eyes went wide. “My watch stopped working and I lost track of time because of it! Do you think Dr. Mizushima will be too angry?” “She might call you out. I would try to sneak in when she leave that room to go to another one if I were you.” “I’ll do that, thank you.” Jou made a small reverence and then rushed to room three.

Keep reading it on FFN or AO3

[jorban-ederble]

This is gonna look crazy against my wall of reposts or whatever but I don’t care, I wanna talk to… SOMEONE about this but I don’t wanna talk to my friends about it. Besides, it’s like… 4-7 AM for them right now.

(TW: suicidal thoughts, transphobia)

(Before we get into this, if you’d like to skip it, I understand. Please have this little fact before you go or continue. During one of Alice In Chains’ shows, a guy in the crowd was pissing the guys off. Layne was kinda fucking around with him in response, and I think shortly thereafter, they played Man In The Box, which prompted Jerry to change the lyrics to “Can you suck my dick?” instead of “Can you sew them shut?” which I find very funny, and I always think about it whenever I hear that song now.)

Like, I’m happy for them and what they’re doing, don’t get me wrong. One is moving out with some friends, two’ve actually just gotten hired at a new job, and one’s now on meds and getting referrals for top surgery. But… I just feel so stuck. I feel so far behind from them, I feel like I’m stuck at 12. Hell, I wrote some lyrics about it or whatever, I feel stuck, I’ve felt stuck for a while. I want to move out of my house so bad, but I don’t have a job yet. I need to do more jobs with my mentor, probably start going through state to get the hours actually recognized so I have better chances of proving I’ve done this before and won’t need so much help when I’m hired, but I also wish my mentor wasn’t a fucking trumpie because I know he probably would either out me to my parents or wouldn’t support me or call me by my preferred name and even he/him when we actually go and do jobs together.

I want to start T so bad, I want to hear my name on the daily from my parents, but my mom doesn’t accept me and my dad fucking forgot because he’s a fucking severe alcoholic and he can’t fucking remember shit. We were all supposed to go to the theatre last weekend but he fucking forgot that. So he more than likely forgot I’m trans because I haven’t talked about it again since I came out (about mid-2022) and again, he acts like a fucking dementia patient. I just wish they could open their fucking eyes for once and hear my side of things, because I tried to come out to my mom and she didn’t fucking listen, she just spewed her shit about “how she doesn’t understand how someone can alter their body like that” or “why can’t I live as a woman for once?” Mom, I’ve lived as a woman my whole life up until 2020 and I didn’t care for it then, don’t care for it now. Maybe you’d understand it if you actually listened to REAL trans people, the ONE YOU LIVE WITH, rather than the pick-me detransitioners (I’m sorry I love and support anyone who’s detransitioned and ISN’T using it against the community. I love you, if you’re someone like that who’s reading this) and the fuckin’ politicians who regurgitate the same shit over and over about us. The lies, the hate… all of it. I’ve thought about showing my scars, showing how bad I’ve felt about myself before, how bad I feel that I’m their child - hell, their son if it’s easier for them - but I don’t think that’d do shit, honestly.

I keep wishing so badly I had the balls to speak up again. What happened to the kid from 5 years ago? When they wanted to be called a simple nickname, and came out straight up acting like they were gonna get that, even if they ended the statement with a “please”. Where’d they go, sometimes I wonder. Now I just lay down and take whatever without having the guts to cut them or anyone else off and say “no, I’m Layne/Armani, and it’s not changing. It’s final.” I just take it and walk on saying “Fine, sure, I’m that. I’ll be that for you.” Or whatever the fuck. When did I become such a doormat?

I keep wishing I could go to therapy, go on meds, go get the help I need. Because I need it bad. I feel like I’m not gonna fucking make it to 30, let alone 25. I’ve asked before, twice, and every time I didn’t get a thing. Now I just express sometimes, hidden behind jokes most of the time, that I am suicidal. Passively, sure… or they’re just intrusive thoughts, but… there are the times where I just think about it, and I can’t get off of it, and there was already one time this year where I really almost made something to kill me. How will that change once I’m on my own? How will that change within the next few years, even?

I’m so jealous of my friends, deeply jealous, that I don’t even know if I feel genuinely happy for them at times. I mean… I do. But do I really? And it makes me feel like such a dickhead of a friend, but I do really wish I could have their kind of families, have their kind of lives, their kind of support and happiness. Just for one fucking day, that’s all I ask. On and off the last few hours I’ve just been going back and forth in my head, grabbing a gun or a knife and either cutting nonlethally or potentially lethally, and I hate it. I wish I didn’t think like this, I wish my brain couldn’t be like this. But I also wish I was happier. I wish I was better, so very better about things.

[be-gay-cause-crime]

LAB RATS

Chapter 4- Unsuspected Surprise

CW: spiking drinks, implied kidnapping

I still remember the panic after the concluding trial, people calling for ambulances while the other kids were desperately trying to get no. 04 to wake up.

Sometimes I forget she was there since her beginning.

She never did get to know the real world…

———

Kali sat at a bench near the door, their leg bouncing as she waited for Lucas. Someone tapped her shoulder, when they looked up it was him! They felt butterflies in their stomach, their eyes brightening when they saw him.

“Hey Lucas! How are you?” Kali spat out, getting up for a quick hug.

“Hey Kali, I’m doing good, and don’t worry, drinks are on me tonight,” he said with a wink that almost made Kali blush and nod towards the bar.

“Ah, sorry, I won’t be drinking tonight, well, at least not anything alcoholic, it messes with my meds I think,” they said with a soft smile.

“No worries, I heard they got some pretty good mocktails here too, and of course you could just get a soda, but still, it’s on me whatever you end up getting,” he took their hand and led them towards the bar, “what would you like to drink Kali?”

“Hmm, I’ll just start with a Pepsi I guess, actually wait, it’s kinda late for caffeine, uhhhhh,”

“There’s the Startrail mocktail, it’s fruity and sweet, and alcohol free given the name, how about that?” Lucas pointed to a spot in the drinks menu as Kali sat down in a bar stool.

“Hm, yeah, that actually sounds really nice, you’re sure you’re okay with it though? It’s kinda expensive,” They shifted around in their seat.

“I told you it wasn’t a problem, I mean that, I want to treat you tonight Kali,” he looked into their eyes with a warm and loving gaze which they melted under.

“Oh alright, if you’re sure you’re okay with it, what are you gonna get?” She smiled up at him.

“Hm, not sure just yet, probably nothing alcoholic either, since I drove here, I think I’ll stick with a Dr Pepper for now,” he fixed his dark hair which was starting to fall on his face, “also, I have to say I absolutely adore your outfit tonight, I love that your personality is shown in all your clothes,”

Kali blushed at the remark, “Ah, thank you! I love my outfit too, I mean, you also look nice too!” They sputtered out, as the bartender asked for their order.

“Ah, a Dr Pepper for me, and you said you wanted the Startrail Mocktail, right Kali?”

“Hm? Oh- yes please!” She jumped a little, lost in thought.

“Hey, are you doing alright? You seem kind of jumpy,” Lucas asked.

“Oh, I dunno, I guess I’m just excited, haha!” The two spent the rest of the night laughing and making flirty remarks, Kali could’ve sworn something tasted off about the sprite they got, but they chalked it up to the aftertaste of the mocktail earlier.

Lucas’s phone rang, “oh, sorry, I have to take this, I’ll be right back” he left with a sly wink while answering the phone.

A small wave of discomfort passed over Kali, they weren’t sure why, but something felt off, “Hey, uh, bartender? That drink I had earlier was non alcoholic, right?”

“Yep, mocktail version of the cocktail, alcohol free, if you feel like you’re gonna get sick there’s a bathroom over there,” the bartender pointed to a small hallway to the left of the bar where Kali ended up going.

Ugh, I feel like shit… okayyy, nope, not passing out in a bars bathroom, you got this, Kali tried to find grip on the door handle, but ended up sitting on the floor leaning against the door instead, alright then… maybe I should get a ride home… maybe with Lucas? Nah… we know each other well, but not that well…

A thought popped in their head as they scrambled for their phone in their bag.

Hey Jess, could you come pick me up please? I don’t feel good

Sent.

After a few minutes, there was a reply:

Sure, are you okay?? What bar are you at?

Kali struggled to keep their eyes open long enough to text:

I think so I’m at tippers, how son can you pick me up!

Tippers? Okay, I’ll be there in 7 minutes, 10 max, what happened with your date??

Idk he wet out for a call

Okay, can’t text while driving, see you soon, hang out somewhere safe until I get there.

K

Kali put their phone down, they didn’t know what was going on, maybe someone spiked my drink…? I dunno, what matters is that I get home I guess…

———

Kali struggled to a bench closer to a corner that was hidden in shade so they could watch the door but also be safe, whatever that meant, she considered trying to get to Lucas, but they didn’t know where he right now and decided that it’d be best to just wait for Jess.

5 more minutes passed, Kali, still on the brink of unconsciousness, looked up to see a head of strawberry blond hair walking swiftly over to her, “Kali! Are you okay? What happened?” She helped them up, letting them lean on her as they slurred out an answer.

“I dunno… I don’t have anything with alcohol… I think someone put something in my drink or somethin’,” their head was dizzy, swirling around with questions and words they couldn’t put in correct order, “did you see Lucas out front…?”

“Lucas? Oh! You mean your date? I don’t know, I saw a guy with dark hair talking on the phone near a weird van, I don’t like the look of it-”

“Jess, Jessie, you’re talking too fast…” Kalis voice sounded hoarse, their throat dry.

“Sorry,” Jess said, talking considerably slower, “I just, something’s not right,”

“You can say that again…” once they both left the bar, two people came up to them.

“You ladies need walking to your car?” one of them asked, their arms crossed.

“No thanks, I can get us there just fine,” Jess tried stepping around them, but the second person blocked her.

“No no, we insist. Let us walk you to your car,” they stopped them from going any further, Kali instinctively rummaged around in his bag, keeping a hand on their taser but not taking it out just yet.

“No, it’s fine. Let us pass, now.” Jess spoke authoritatively, trying again to shove past them when one of them grabbed Kali by the arm, pulling them out of her reach.

“I’d suggest you come with us before things get too messy-” the first one started but was cut off when Kali gabbed their taser into their arm, the person yelled out in pain, gripping the side of their arm with a glimmer of hatred in their eyes. “Oh you’re gonna regret that…”

The taser was knocked out of their hands before they could try to attack the one holding them hostage, Jess reached for it, fast, but was stopped by the first person who grabbed her by the ponytail, pulling her head up with it. Jess gave a hearty kick to the second guys stomach as a last ditch effort, temporarily freeing Kali, “KALI, RUN!” She yelled with all her might.

Despite feeling like absolute shit, they listened, stumbling forward as fast as the could, but then they ran into someone, “Lucas! There you are, you have to help me, please I- I think someone spiked my drink and there’s these weird guys and-and-” their rambling was cut off my Lucas putting his hands on her shoulders to try and ground them.

“Alright, calm down, what’s going on, is someone chasing you?” He asked, voice calm and steady.

“I don’t know! But they have my friend, and-” Kali felt a presence behind her, they turned around and briefly saw a person from earlier before everything went dark.

<- Back———Next ->

Back to beginning

[singleroad]

Soooo

I’ve decided I’m going to try to go through the Swedish healthcare system to do IUI and… if those fails an IVF attempt… and if that fails go to Denmark. Lol

It could take a long time for it to go through even when I start, but it won’t cost as much.

Depending on how my debt situation looks at the start of 2025 I’ll start then. I think it’ll look decent figuring in a wait period for evaluation, to be approved, and then to get a time for inseminatio, and pregnancy. With that timeline, if I were to get pregnant on the first try it would still be a 2026 baby and I know things will look so great then.

There’s many fears though. Reading through the rules for inseminations for single people they highlight concerns for people with previous mental health problems. I am autistic, ADHD, have chronic depression and anxiety BUT I am reeeaaaally well medicated and it’s managed so well right now. Like I thought my ADHD meds would do nothing but it’s such a clear delineation from before and after I started them this year.

This is also a reason to wait. I have to prove that I can stay well enough to care for a baby. I did have a burnout just before the pandemic that was pretty bad, but I now know that it was my autism and being forced to mask 24/7 that was the issue + some ADHD things.

The biggest challenge and way to prove myself is through the job I’m starting in august. It is a job I’m so excited for and I have so many ideas, but it is a full time job with a fairly long commute until October. I have worked 80hr weeks at times since the pandemic, but this whole week in and week out of 40hrs and managing a whole library by myself is scary. How will I manage? I need to manage or I will need to accept that children can’t be in the cards for me… and that thought genuinely makes me want to sob. There’s a reason why I want to go through with this.

So many thoughts and ramblings.

I am also concerned about taking my IUD out. The plan was to take it out next week but I’m going to cancel that appointment and have it out in September or October. Next week is a 50hr work week at a physically demanding job, and then with the new job I don’t want to manage having a period for the first time in nearly 6 years during that transitioning. I’ve started to have “mini” periods as the hormone is basically gone soon, and the mini cramps makes me remember how awful the cramps were. But it’s part of the process. I’m going to get period panties because I hate tampons and pads are a textural nightmare, and cups are daunting. It also feels like a good bet when I have no clue about my flow in the beginning. When I removed the nexplanon it was such a wild ride the first months after trying to figure out what my body was doing.

After the first period I’m going to try out the easy@home ovulation strips with premom app for a few months just to see if I ovulate regularly or not. I should have a basal temp somewhere too.

I’m just so ready for this next chapter of my life to start so I can build the future of my life. 4 weeks and I’m at my new job. 11 weeks and I’m back in my apartment.

I can do this

I can show them