#but i also really like the character idea of having this almost pathological fear of his power

[paigemathews]

"A Warren. It's a family trait. So are the short tempers, the great cheekbones, the strong wills, and, of course, the powers. All blessings. All signs of where you came from."

Honestly, thinking thoughts about Warren witches and the short tempers. We see this one best through Piper obviously, but I was thinking about the way that this manifests in especially Wyatt out of all the next gen kids.

I feel like Wyatt really represses a lot of his negative emotions. Don't get me wrong, I do generally think that he's a pretty kind, optimistic person in general, but I also interpret him as someone who has this kind of fear at what he's capable of. I've mentioned this before, but the way I went about "depowering" Wyatt, for lack of a better word, to a manageable level is that he locks down most of his powers so that his control is somewhat resigned to not using them because while he's not necessarily afraid of his powers, he's afraid at their potential power. I mean, my Wyatt is currently hovering around 23ish in my next gen stuff, and that is an intense amount of power (and pressure) to put on someone who is still trying to figure out what the fuck they're trying to do right now. However, the issue is that a witch's powers are closely tied to their emotions, so with Wyatt basically locking down his powers, he basically locks down those emotions as well. The trigger for a lot of the particularly destructive powers, aka the ones Wyatt ruthlessly extinguishes in fear of unleashing tend to be rooted in stuff like anger or fear.

So when it comes to Wyatt's temper, I think it's really hard to actually unleash it. One, I think that he's just kind of hard to piss off in general. Chris and Mel have always been the two to start fighting, so he tends to take on a mediator role with them (especially bc the only other next gen kid to stand a chance is Peyton, Phoebe's eldest). So he's pretty good about letting shit roll off his back, because both of his siblings will turn their anger on him if his interference goes poorly. Two is that he's at least. kind of aware of other people's expectations of and for him, which don't really tend to be very human. He's pretty awkward with some of it, because so many people expect this saintlike, godlike figure of the Twice-Blessed and he's a 23 year old working as a library assistant at Magic School trying to figure shit out. (Especially when it comes to the magical politicking bullshit, Wyatt's so earnest and open that he struggles with it. It's an interesting time when the Marks family manages to drag any of the Halliwells to a witch event bc of the layering expectations and personalities for each Warren.) But he's pretty good at the compassion and gentleness that people expect, and he leans into that when he can sense those expectations. Thirdly, and I'll relink this post, Wyatt internalizes the fuck out of shit. He doesn't really blame someone else, even if they've wronged him. Instead, he fully takes on the blame and guilt himself and basically self-flagellates himself about it.

For the most part, he's very difficult to anger. However, when someone actually does manage to piss him off, there are two possibilities. Firstly, he basically unleashes it if he's able to, aka evil beings. Secondly, he hardcore represses it. Not even in a swallow the acid in your throat type of way, but like he ruthlessly shoves it so far down that he can't even taste the burn in his throat anymore type of way. In that case, he just blocks it out and pretends it doesn't exist until he basically believes it. The biggest thing is that when it comes to short tempers, no one really realizes that Wyatt even has one.

Needless to say, and actually the inspiration for this is that repression demons can wreak a whole lot of havoc through Wyatt if they can get to him. It'd be a source of pretty significant power to the demon and damage to those around Wyatt, and the guilt he'd have afterward? Could honestly power another repression demon. An important part of growing as a person and as a witch for him would need to be embracing and dealing with his emotions, all of his emotions, in a healthy manner instead of just repressing them entirely. I feel like that'd make some cool plotlines for growth, especially with the empaths in the family.

[ashesandhackles]

Deconstructing Harry: The boy we meet in Philosopher's Stone to the man in Deathly Hallows

I have often seen fans talk about how nebulous Harry is as a character, especially in the earlier books. They can't make sense of who he is as a character and other more colourful, more actualized personalities take over our attention from any traits Harry might display. Harry becomes more defined for a lot of people OOTP onwards where he displays traits that sometimes make him unbearable or unlikable.

Harry, as we are introduced in PS, has a very little sense of self. He is narratively self deprecating or plays down his presence or skills, not that he is aware he has any. He grew up without any presence of him displayed in the house - no photos, no idea about his parents or what they look like or what really happened to them and discouraged from asking questions. Harry as we meet him is neglected, rootless about his identity and longs for escape. For him, every day is a battle against Dudley, who bullies him or Vernon, thus setting a worldview that never truly goes away: him vs adults. But just because Harry doesn't attach traits or values to self, does not mean he does not have it.

It's an effective narrative tool though - for Harry to be our eyes of the world. Only in later re-readings can we get a grasp of the traits that become more pronounced as books go on. Also, it's not surprising that Harry develops a better sense of self when he is removed from an abusive home.

Let me begin with this:

1. Harry is a fighter

One of the things that struck me in later re-readings is that how much of a fighter Harry is, from the very beginning. He will not lie down and take abuse. The narrative presents it as no big deal, because Harry doesn't assign any importance to it - it's every day life for him.

-Verbal standing up-

See his reaction to Uncle Vernon and the letter fiasco. He stands up for himself, even if it falls on deaf ears. "I want my letter - as it is mine!". Later on, in the same book, a completely befuddled 11 year old Harry stands up to Snape too, but in a politer way: "I think Hermione knows the answer. Why don't you try her?". He gets less polite with Snape as books go on. Harry's humor is something he employs liberally with Dudley when standing up to him - "The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it - it might be sick" and we see this trait manifest into the sass we all know and love.

- Fight or flight-

He is remarkably good at "fighting himself out of tight corners" as Snape put it. And although Snape attributes it to luck and more talented friends, he is onto something about Harry's ability to worm out of tight corners. He lives moment to moment in a dangerous situation - relying on his nerve, very fast reflexes and athleticism. He is also able to notice things in an environment that will get him out of a quick pinch. You see this clearly in Department of Mysteries in Book 5 where he comes up with the idea to smash shelves, the mad idea to escape on a dragon, the ministry escape where he manipulates Runcorn's image (as he noticed how people were reacting to him) to create chaos and get the Muggleborns and the trio out, Chamber of Secrets when he instinctively understood the diary is the source of power and stabbed it.

Where does the athleticism and ability to spot dangerous situation come from? This boy has spent a decade cheeking Dudley and running away from his gang, spotting when he needs to get out of the way as "long experience had told him to be out of Uncle Vernon's arms reach" or "ducking when Aunt Petunia aimed a frying pan at his head". The instinct to see a dangerous situation develops over the course of the books in his adventures - to the point Harry unconsciously brings out his wand in Tottenham road without thinking too much about it. He is almost always wary and less quick to lower his wand.

When hiding/ escaping is not an option, Harry is not above physical fighting - despite how small and skinny he is in Book 1. Both he and Dudley fight for a chance to listen at the door when letter first arrives for Harry. Dudley wins the fight. Later on, Harry jumps Uncle Vernon from behind and hangs on to his neck to get his letter. He even does the same thing to the troll in the same book. ( Then over the course of series, we see him beat up Sirius in Book 3, Malfoy in Book 5, strangle Mundungus in Book 6 - all of these are related to his fury over the dead, so different context. But still).

- Manipulation/ Cunning-

11 year old Harry even tries sneakily - waking up early to get his letter (unfortunately didn't work). The other sneaky methods he has employed throughout the series is - not telling Dursleys at end of PS that he is not allowed magic at home, threatens Dudley with it in COS, not telling them Sirius is innocent to play up the threat of a murderous godfather to keep them accountable, and also the smooth way he negotiates with Uncle Vernon for Hogsmeade letter. ("Well it will be hard work, pretending to aunt Marge that I go to St Whatsits" ,"Knocking the stuffing out of me won't make Aunt Marge forget what I could tell her"). He similarly displays his negotiation and playing to what he knows about people with Slughorn in Book 6, Pettigrew in Book 7.

The scene with Slughorn is disturbing, with Harry coercing a drunk Slughorn to give up his memory. You can argue that this is the influence of Felix Felicis, but I think the potion acted more as facilitation. The disturbing way Harry brings up his mother's murder to unnerve Slughorn is his own doing. ("Voldemort stepped over my father's body towards mum" "I forgot - you liked her, didn't you?"). Again, in a life threatening situation, Harry plays to Pettigrew's latent guilt: "You are going to kill me? After I saved your life? You owe me Wormtail!"

2. Relational justice over abstract justice

Harry's concept of justice is relational and based on his high empathy for the underdog. He notices power dynamic in a situation and empathises with the victim. This is in contrast to Hermione, who has more abstract, bigger picture view of justice. It's no wonder that Hermione is the one who is the most political of the three.

His high empathy for the underdog and needing to stand up for them is because he feels responsiblility that no one should go through what he went through. He stands up for Neville in PS and encourages him to stand up for himself. When he sees his father bullying Snape, it is not about an abstract "this is wrong behavior". Harry goes further: "Harry knew what it felt like to be taunted among a circle of onlookers" , Harry focuses on young Snape's mismatched clothes because he himself knows what it's like to wear clothes that are not yours or ones that make you look ridiculous. His empathy extends to Voldemort too - understanding why he may not want to go back to his orphanage and desire to be in Hogwarts, wondering why Merope wouldn't stay alive for her son, his fixation with Voldemort's maimed soul in King's Cross chapter and later asking Voldemort to feel remorse (" I have seen what you will become otherwise"). Even his reaction to Dobby in COS - "Can't anyone help you? Can't I?" when Dobby talks about his slavery. Hermione is usually seeing the bigger picture, Harry sees the individual.

3. Pathological mistrust of adults

He is less likely of the trio to take an adult at their words or be assured by them when they say they are taking care of things. He has learnt, from a very young age, that he is always expected to take care of himself. And the times he does take things to adult, they consistently disappoint him - by patronising him or acting like he is a child, neither of which he has tolerance for or appreciates. This is why he takes to Sirius and Lupin, who exhibit neither of these communication patterns. In some ways, Mr Weasley too.

Umbridge's abuse of him for him is framed as a battle of wills between her and him, as if he is an equal. And he loses if he complains - "not giving her a satisfaction of knowing she got to me". Harry's worldview has always been - adult vs him.

His inability to trust adults even extends to the ability of adults he likes to look after themselves. While Sirius is understandably a wreck in OOTP, he has by and large followed Dumbledore's orders. This doesn't register with Harry (Ron points it out: "Sirius listens to Dumbledore even though he doesn't like what he hears") and Harry's fears about Sirius, excaberated by Sirius's tendency for recklessness, comes to play.

He even showed similar distrust in Lupin's judgement in taking a potion from Snape in POA ("Harry felt the urge to knock the goblet out of Lupin's hands" and tries to hint at Lupin that Snape will "do anything" for DADA job). And he shows this once again with the most magically powerful wizard he knows - Dumbledore. ("if I tell you to abandon me and save yourself, you must do so". Dumbledore has to insist on this before Harry nods reluctantly. It's also Dumbledore's wording, but this is a wizard Harry feels safe with almost entirely because of his power - and yet Harry cannot obey an order like this without reluctance). It's not about Harry's own ability to take care of them - he just innately cannot leave people to it.

4. Humor as a value and coping mechanism

Harry has an established coping mechanism by the time we are introduced to him - quip in the face of danger/ dark humor. There are repeated instances of Harry amusing himself with snarky comments in his head when things are really bad for him. Like in PS, when they are in the hut, Harry wonders if the roof will fall in and then thought that if it did fall in, he might be warmer. In the earlier books (before his growth), he seems to value Ron over Hermione simply because he is more "fun". Harry enjoys being around funny people like Ron, Weasley twins, later Ginny simply because there is some dark stuff happening with him and he needs "fun" people for semblance of normalcy, escape. In fact, this desire is so strong, he attaches it to his romantic relationships: Ginny is a "blissful oblivion" and times with her are "something out of someone else's life". His relationship with Cho failed because her coping mechanism is discussing her trauma and Harry's is escaping it.

-dealing with conflict with people he likes, small digression-

A part of his growing up in later books includes valuing Hermione as much he values Ron and we see it in display in HBP, where he is more willing to stand up for her to Ron (something he kind of did more quietly before in POA - "can't you give her a break?" ) and also get confrontational with her instead of using Ron as a buffer between them to fend off her more boisterous/ bossy tendencies. ("let him make up his mind" "skip the lecture" "don't nag" - Ron took the heat in earlier books. In HBP, Harry is more willing to be irritable with her in a day-to-day interaction - "I hope you enjoy yourself" he tells Hermione when she states her intention to investigate Half Blood Prince. Or when she tests the book - "Finished? Or do you want to see if it does backflips?" "Do you have rub it in Hermione, how do you think I feel now?" at the end of HBP. ) In OOTP, his best method to deal with her when she bothers him was lying, avoiding her nagging and if that doesn't work, explode and treat her to display of his temper. There is more to explore here, of course - even with regard to how he deals with Mrs Weasley in Book 4, 5 and the difference of him hugging her in Book 7.

5. Fascination with the dead/ a passive death wish

Harry feels remarkably little sense of betrayal knowing that he was set up to die by Dumbledore. His self sacrificing streak is rooted in his love, yes, but I also think Harry is a little bit too fascinated by death, not surprising considering most people he loved are dead. Him wanting the resurrection stone in DH, him obsessively spending time at Mirror of Erised (to the point he feels feverish and Ron thinking he looks strange) until Dumbledore stops him, him almost wanting to fail to learn a Patronus because he wants to hear his parents voice, the hearing of whispering voices in the Veil in OOTP which only Luna could hear apart from him, the scene at the grave where he almost wishes he was "lying under the snow" with his parents, the possession scene in the book of OOTP has him wishing to die so he can be with Sirius. You can almost argue the Harry has, in many moments, shown raw desire of death. In fact, him choosing to let go of the stone and not go looking for it is a big character decision for him.

I also want to address Harry's temper and how that develops over course of series, the implications of understanding the people he loved and put on pedestal are flawed - but I am afraid this post is already way too long. So I will leave that for some time later.

[takecare-fandoms]

Random Stardew Valley Headcanons

These are some of my own ideas about the Stardew Valley universe, which I hope don't completely contradict anything in the actual canon! ^_^ This is also a bit long - I've got a bushel of thoughts! (Though I must say, I have more thoughts about some characters than others it seems...)

Stardew Valley is in the Southeast of the Ferngill Republic, and Pelican town is in the south of the valley (south-central, specifically)

Linus is significantly older than he appears and grew up in a large family

Leah played softball and/or football (soccer) in high school

Willy plays the fiddle, which he was taught by his father

Sebastian is pretty skilled at doing makeup, but only wears light makeup on a daily basis

Sam was really into sharks and weather as a kid. He could tell you so many fun facts about sharks (like, how their skeleton is made of cartilage instead of bone!) and identify every single type of cloud in the sky

One of the few topics Sebastian and Demetrius like to talk about is frogs - which ones are in the valley, when they come out, how to differentiate different varieties, how frogs have been used in different cultures (for food, poison, pets, etc), and so on

Penny gets headaches before it rains

Yoba isn't the only god worshipped in the Ferngill Republic. Others are worshipped in different areas as well (based on the weather, flora, fauna, etc), but Yoba is worshipped as the creator of the world, protector of Stardew Valley, and god of new beginnings

Abigail makes collages out of old magazines and catalogues from Pierre's shop

Sam wants to get a lip piercing

also, Kent had an ear piercing as a teenager, done with a safety pin and a potato by a friend. it has since closed, but he has considered getting his ears re-pierced

Sam's music taste is heavily influenced by his parents' music. He likes a lot of the same bands and songs as Kent and Jodi

Jas has tea parties with Shane and Marnie, including titles (Princess Jas, the noble Sir Shane, and Lady Marnie)

Caroline wanted to become a speech-language pathologist but didn't because the nearest university with a speech-language pathology program was too far away

Vincent wants to get a pet snake, but Jodi has a fear of snakes

Alex can cook well but doubts his skills because Evelyn is so comfortable in the kitchen

Haley really likes animated films with darker themes, like Isle of Dogs / Coraline -esque movies (Emily, on the other hand, very much does not, and leaves the room whenever Haley puts one on)

Lewis was a landscaper before becoming mayor

Evelyn used to work at a drive-in theatre

Emily and Caroline meditate together

At one point Penny considered studying business before deciding on teaching

Abigail took off time to work before starting university. Her online classes are in history and anthropology and are with a school across the country. She is studying to become an archaeologist

And Shane studied kinesiology at university

Sam has taught Vincent and Jas some songs (as a guest during arts and music class with Penny)

Clint wears cowboy boots

Gunther lives in a neighbouring village, about 20 minutes east of Pelican Town, and Morris commutes nearly an hour every day from the city

Harvey really likes to cook, but doesn't have the time, money, or space to do so frequently. He sometimes goes to the community centre and meal preps

Elliott began writing with alternate-ending fanfics and (admittedly not good) poetry about nature and the sea

Willy supplied the anchovies for the luau for which Sam got community service hours. Willy did know what Sam was going to do with them and supported it (though did feel guilty and apologise to Sam when he was caught, keeping him company as much as possible during his service hours)

Shane sleeps with an absurd number of pillows - upwards of six on most nights

Emily and Sandy met through Girl Guides/Scouts/whatever the Stardew equivalent is of those groups

Leah, Elliott, and Pierre all had rock collections growing up

Pierre also collected sports trading cards

Robin watches a lot of documentaries (especially true crime and nature), as well as cooking shows

Kent and Jodi were high school sweethearts and started dating when they were seventeen. They had Sam when they were in their very early 20s (21 or 22 maybe?), and Vincent more than a decade later

Pam did beauty pageants as a teenager (and did well in them!)

Krobus is a young shadow person, and yet is older than almost every other resident of Pelican Town (they age differently)

Vincent doodles on his homework

Shane read a LOT about genetics (and talked with Demetrius a bit) when first breeding his blue chickens, and found that he was very interested in the topic

George had a pet rat as a child

Sam started an acapella group in high school

Sebastian loves theatre and did sound/audio for his school's musicals

Dusty was a gift from Alex's mum, and Alex has had Dusty for almost a decade

Elliott handwrites his work before typing it

Maru cuts the tags out of her shirts

Harvey can knit, as can Haley

Pierre took more than one foreign language class in school

Haley reads graphic novels often, though doesn't really tell anyone

Abigail was in band (concert and/or marching)

Caroline can play piano

Sam really likes the colour pink

Harvey took gymnastics when he was younger, and the day they started on the high bar is when he discovered (or perhaps solidified) his fear of heights

Maru can decorate cakes beautifully

Finally, the ages of the villagers - those who live in or near Pelican Town - from youngest to oldest: Vincent, Jas, (Leo), Maru, Abigail, Penny, Sam, Sebastian, Haley, Alex, Emily, Elliott, Leah, (Sandy), Shane, Harvey, Jodi, Kent, Clint, Pam, Pierre, Robin, Demetrius, Caroline, Gus, Marnie, Willy, Marlon, Lewis, Gil, Krobus, Linus, George, Evelyn, Wizard, and the Dwarf

Thanks for reading my dump of thoughts :) I'd love to hear any opinions on these headcanons!

[galacticliving]

media log: wolf 359

(mostly) spoiler free

i know i'm real late to the party with this one, but bear with me! i started listening when it was first being made, and absolutely loved it, but never actually listened to the last few episodes. now, more than 3 years after the finale aired, i finally finished it.

and holy shit y'all.

most noticeable thing about this podcast: the SOUNDTRACK. as a music nerd, i appreciate all of the classical pieces they chose to use within the show, all very dope as hell. but the original soundtrack goes SO hard, the songs are fantastic and i want to learn to play All Of Them. i'm pretty sure they're all (or almost all) exclusively piano, so they're a lot simpler than a lot of other soundtracks, but it really works for the show.

the story as a whole is really cool, they do a good job of developing characters and combining really genuinely funny moments with an intense plot. like, the ideas in this show are INTENSE and a Lot to handle. but then theres also Funzo and a pathological fear of ducks. and somehow the goofier bits don't take away from the impact of the overall plot. but that's all stuff i could've said Before finally getting around to listening to the finale.

that FINALE y'all.

yes it made me cry. it made me sob. it's Very Good. i LOVED all of the callbacks and references to previous episode. it teetered on the edge of being a little cheesy/over the top but i always dig that kinda stuff anyway. imo jacobi had the most exciting and satisfying arc, and kepler as a character was SO so interesting. also, minkowski and eiffel's dynamic will never not make me cry. i have to go listen to literally Everything else this creative team has ever done because! damn! good content

[illegiblewords]

Fic Writer Meme

Swiped this because it looked like fun!

Name

Fandoms

Most popular oneshot

Most popular multichapter

Actual worst part of writing

How you choose your titles

Do you outline

Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice?

Callouts @ Me

Best writing traits

Spicy Tangential Opinion

Tagging: @nilim, @azwoodbomb, @wouldyouliketoseemymask, @parvus-pica, @peregrineroad, @spiral-seeker, @frostmantle, @autumnslance, @strangefellows, @redbud-tree, @maccaroni-eh, @entropytea, @prettyparadoxes, @ivalane, @kunstpause, @fogfens

Name: Illegible or Illegiblewords lately. I’ve switched it in the past a few times.

Fandoms: I’ve been in Final Fantasy XIV for the past couple of years now. Passively I might be in Pathologic fandom and Dragon Age fandom? Maybe others too on and off. I was in comic fandoms for a long time but honestly that spiraled into a hot mess of epic proportions so I’ve mostly peaced out of there. Still love stories, characters, and buddies from there though.

Most Popular Oneshot: Ironically it’s Ideation for Bladerunner 2049 haha. I did exactly one fic there right after seeing the movie and didn’t go back, but I thought it was very good and I had a specific story I wanted to tell. It’s one of my most popular fics, and given it’s gen too I’m actually kind of happy about that.

Most Popular Multichapter: The Immortal Wound for FFXIV fandom! I had only just started writing for the fandom, and the series leading up to this fic was my first time writing NPC shipping in FFXIV. I was seriously, SERIOUSLY nervous at first! I wrote the first fic, Posturing, as a personal challenge to do an ambiguous protagonist/NPC since I saw other people doing that and wanted to see if I could pull it off. Posted it at around 4 in the morning then deleted within a few minutes out of anxiety lol. A week went by before I read it again, realized I still liked it, and put it back up for good. That being well-received helped encourage me to keep trying, and by The Immortal Wound it was getting solid attention. The experience really meant a lot to me!

Actual Worst Part of Writing: Probably chapter maps within the outlining process for me. It’s needed for how I approach things, but shit is anxiety-inducing and stressful af lol. I basically plan each event out in high detail before actually writing the fic, so when the time comes for me to legit write I’m more or less following a plan I can trust. Making that plan is the tough part.

How Do You Choose Your Titles: Often titles are the last things I figure out before starting the fic itself. I know I like punchy stuff if I can manage. Sometimes it’ll be one word, sometimes it’ll be a quote or song lyric, sometimes it’ll be a saying, sometimes it’ll be a phrase that feels fitting. I go fast and loose usually, and tbh I’ve tried to tell myself not to overthink it too hard. I do try title related works in ways that have some thematic link when I can.

Do You Outline: HahahahahaHAHAHAHAhaha yeah. Straight up my outlines are eldritch terrors for their detail, length, and complexity. I don’t mean that as a brag at all, seriously--I tend to get frozen a bit if I don’t have an outline by and large because it’s hard for me to keep track of what’s in my head and plan accordingly. Just end up with too many moving parts + revision and pacing get wonky otherwise.

Depending on the project I might have sections tied to setting, characters, magic systems, religions, etc. at the top. Fanfic this is less likely but does crop up sometimes.

To give an example of the first bullet of the first chapter of an ongoing fic:

Post-Shinryu, the Warrior of Light lingers in the Royal Menagerie alone at his own insistence to search for the Eye of Nidhogg. In the process he remembers the fight against Zenos and Shinryu. Note he was overcome by an almost feral rage at Zenos’ assumption that he was the target of anything resembling lust. Those attentions (“bite down upon my jugular”) belong to another, but note similarities of two pale-eyed, long-haired blondes. Seeing Shinryu, the Warrior had no idea whether Lahabrea survived within. The fusion was horrifying to see and as he fought he didn’t hold back because besides obvious dangers, he was also ready to mercy kill if needed. Also note Warrior wanted to intervene against Thordan for Lahabrea but wasn’t fast enough, questions a little privately how far he’d have gone against him. It might not have mattered even if he’d managed since he knows Lahabrea was going crazy and unable to listen. Locating and examining the Eye, he recognizes how drained it is. Certainly not enough to threaten him when dealing with post-battle exhaustion. So he reaches inside with his own aether, relentless in pushing aside every foreign element—Nidhogg, Thordan, the corrupted Rhalgr, the places Zenos caged them all under his own will. Zodiark’s tempering is what helps him ultimately find Lahabrea, who is barely alive. Zodiark’s tempering has preserved what it could but has a much more tenuous grip in consequence. When the Warrior finds him Lahabrea isn’t even aware, functionally unconscious. The tempering flares against him defensively and this time the Warrior focuses on it. This is all that has allowed Lahabrea to stay alive. He could force himself closer but there is no vessel. Besides, the process of separating a fragile soul so deficient in aether is too great a risk. So he keeps the Eye.

It’s not the only bullet of comparable size for that chapter. The overall piece has at least 40 total chapters, but probably more.

Ideas I Probably Won’t Get Around To, But Wouldn’t It Be Nice: Tbh probably some of the earlier WIPs I have that aren’t finished already. Not just FFXIV (Dead Language, With Good Intentions) but other fandoms. I could end up circling back in the future one day but who knows.

Callouts @ Me: “NO MORE WIPS HOLY SHIT YOU HAVE OVER 20″, “RELEARN HOW TO DO DRABBLES”, “GET UR PRESENTS DONE”, “REVIEW OTHERS MORE THE STAGE FRIGHT IS RIDICULOUS”.

Best Writing Traits: I try to write any character as the hero of their own story/with the capacity to be someone’s favorite. I do my research and prioritize telling a good story first and foremost. I can change my writing style according to need and am good at capturing the cadence and word choices of different characters.

Spicy Tangential Opinion: If no transaction has been made (esp. monetary), no one owes you shit online. Not reviews, not hits, not praise, not agreement, not content of any sort. It sucks to feel like you’re creating to a void. It sucks to be passionately in love with a rarepair when other ships are drowning in art and stories.

People still don’t owe you.

If you don’t like someone else’s content, create something exploring what you do like... or even why you don’t like that content. Tell a story. Create art. Make photosets and playlists and analyses. If it is not a literal crime (as opposed to portraying fictional crime), don’t discourage other creators no matter how awful you might find their stuff. Lend your own voice to an alternative as convincingly as you can. And if that doesn’t persuade others, you need to keep honing your own skills.

If you want more of something to exist, spread inspiration. Again this can be in storytelling, art, photosets, playlists, analysis, you name it. Give form to your passion. And if others disagree or don’t respond, keep working at it. This is a skill too, and it takes practice.

I’ve found it shows when work is created out of a sense of guilt, fear, or obligation. The quality is much lower and no one latches on to keep building in-turn. And IMO it is essential to build up rather than tearing down.

[loquaciousquark]

4 (for Invicta, Invictus), 7, 16, please and thank you!

4. Did you have any ideas that didn’t make the final cut of [Invicta, Invictus]?

HaHA! I will go back and look at my detailed outline and see!!

...Almost twenty minutes later, I’m kind of amazed that this turned into a fic at all, but most of it made it in! The two things I see that I considered but ultimately rejected were first, a scene with some kind of training accident at the cottage, where Hawke ends up accidentally pulling on some of the power of the lyrium. It wasn’t going to hurt Fenris, just surprise him, and they were going to talk for a while about what it felt like when Danarius did it, how it often hurt that way, and how long it took him to recover after (along with a mention or two of the very first day of the fic, when Fenris had first been brought to the estate--just lightly touching on that aftermath and what the journey was like from the dueling hall to the Hawke estate). I never could find a good place for it to fit, though, and it wasn’t enough to fill a chapter on its own (as well as just being a lot of my own headcanon stuff), but I’d like to write some version of that scene one day.

The other thing I cut was some version of a terrible fight Fenris & Hawke had where Hawke said...something undetermined that reminded Fenris so strongly of the magisters that he was livid. It was going to be a small reminder that Hawke is human and not immune to the society in which she’d entrenched herself, but I couldn’t find a thing for her to say that wasn’t hideously out of character but still offensive enough to make Fenris mad, and it also seemed to push too far into an exploration of Hawke’s mentality changing and Hawke’s recovery from Tevinter insidiousness, and I didn’t want to push that so hard in a fic ostensibly about how Fenris was the one evolving as a person. It took away focus from the thing I was more interested in writing about, so it got snipped too.

7. What story/headcanons do you feel the proudest of? 

Aside from Lacrimosa, already discussed here, I’m actually pretty proud of some of my AU work, especially the stuff that let me explore a very different or specific style of writing. I really enjoyed my two Austen/Regency AUs, my Sherlock Holmes AU, the Fury Road AU, and I’m genuinely really, really proud of my Riddlemaster of Hed AU because I love the source prose of that emulation so much and I thoroughly reveled in pretending I was as good at it as McKillip. 

Headcanon-wise, the first thing I thought of was my headcanon about Fenris’s tattoo pain being treatable with magic. I don’t think I generally have too many off-canon ideas, but that’s one I do love very much & am looking for an excuse to write again.

(I also just really need to get back to Hawke’s journal in general. I don’t want to post it to AO3/FF.net until it’s finished [an artifact of my pathological need to finish works before posting them formally, otherwise they might not ever get done and I hate seeing “incomplete” on my stuff], but I do live in fear that tumblr will spontaneously implode one day and it’ll all be gone, since I don’t have it backed up anywhere.

gosh that does sound dumb when i say it out loud, huh)

The other thing I think I’m proud of, headcanon wise, is all my post-Destroy-ending Shepard stuff. I know a lot of the details of her immediate recovery & post-recovery eras, including what happens to her & Garrus, and I think it would be so fun to sit down and write the hospital shoot-out that happens within a few weeks or so of Shepard waking up after Garrus finds her in the rubble.

16. What fanfic tropes do you avoid writing for?

Y’know, if you’d asked me this a few years ago I would have said...a lot of things I’ve written lately. Slavery power dynamics, rape recovery, torture and its aftermath...yeah. Soulmates, that kind of thing. Never in a million years, right?

Honestly, I think the more I write the fewer tropes I’m not willing to explore, so long as I get to invert or refute any power dynamics that might exist as part of it. ABO? Amnesia? Bodyswap? Why not, at this point, so long as I get to mess with it at a foundational level? (I’m also clapping my hand to my head right now because I looked up a fanfic trope bingo card to see what I hadn’t written, and...like, I have everything on this card. Presumed dead? Check. Fake relationship? Huddle for warmth? Snowed in? De-aged? AU: band? AU: were/vamp/supernatural? Mistletoe kiss? Holiday? Soulmates? AU: space? Kidfic? Check, check, check. The only thing on this card that I don’t have is wingfic, handcuffed together, and Circus AU, because why would anyone write about circuses, that’s a weird thing to have on here.)

Thanks for the questions! This took surprisingly long to get out because I kept getting distracted by all this old stuff I’d forgotten I’d written, so thanks for that glimpse into the past, too, haha!

[pass-the-bechdel]

The Good Place season one full review

How many episodes pass the Bechdel test?

100% (thirteen of thirteen).

What is the average percentage per episode of female characters with names and lines?

49.58%

How many episodes have a cast that is at least 40% female?

Twelve of the thirteen; seven of those are 50%+, and two of those are over 60%

How many episodes have a cast that is less than 20% female?

Zero.

How many female characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-four. Eight who appeared in more than one episode, four who appeared in at least half the episodes, and three who appeared in every episode.

How many male characters (with names and lines) are there?

Twenty-two. Eleven who appeared in more than one episode, three who appeared in at least half the episodes, and two who appeared in every episode.

Positive Content Status:

Solid; the nature of the show is such that they really need to be making a concerted effort to reflect positive, progressive morality, and as such faults in the content would also almost certainly be considered faults in the show itself (average rating of 3).

General Season Quality:

Magnificent! It’s a wonderful ride, whether it’s your first time through or not. Just delightful.

MORE INFO (and potential spoilers) under the cut:

So, let’s talk about plot twists. In the current entertainment landscape, it seems like everyone is intent upon ‘subverting expectations’, and the good old-fashioned plot twist is very much swept up in that, since a subversion is almost always going to play as a ‘twist’ by definition. The unfortunate thing about this current landscape is that it’s rife with ‘subversive twists’ which are really just bad storytelling; they’re only there because of some pathological fear of predictability, or worse, because the creative minds just want to feel cleverer than their audiences by delivering content that no-one saw coming, serving their own egos at the expense of coherent narratives. If your ‘twist’ is about your own (supposed) intelligence, if you’re baiting the audience by playing into a common trope and then laughing at them for thinking you meant it, if you’re changing the story out of nowhere just for shock value without bothering to build toward the twist because you’re too afraid that someone might figure it out before the reveal...that’s not a real twist. It’s not even a real subversion, it’s just a bad-faith gimmick. It’s not there for the story at all, it’s there to make the writer feel special, because apparently feeling special for delivering quality storytelling isn’t good enough anymore. A proper, genuine plot twist should:

1. make sense in the context of the narrative (it should not be tonally dissonant or jump the tracks into a different genre)

2. make sense with the content of the narrative (it may recontextualise previous events or character choices, but it does not contradict or ignore them in order to function)

3. be foreshadowed (if it comes out of nowhere, that’s not a twist, it’s a random event. It’s a deus ex machina. There’s no story in it if it isn’t built into the fabric of the narrative)

4. ultimately further the storytelling (if it has no consequences for plot or character, it’s a shock-value gimmick, not a real twist).

The above points do not guarantee that a twist will be good storytelling and not just a subversive contrivance for the fuck of it, but they should at least ensure some logical cohesion and protect the integrity of the plot instead of sacrificing it in the name of empty surprise. That covered, it’s easy to see how – even (or perhaps, especially) in this twist-saturated tv landscape we currently inhabit – the big twist for season one of The Good Place still manages to be – in technical parlance – dope. The writing protects the twist not by being ‘too clever’; it simply offers a decoy issue to drive the plot. Eleanor is a Good Place fraud; that’s the first twist in the plot, and it compels the entire season forward. Other twists - Jason’s reveal, Eleanor’s confession, the introduction of the ‘real’ Eleanor - set the stage for this being A Show That Has Twists, but in a way that makes so much contextual sense that it doesn’t set us up to be looking for the next one (a common problem for those shows that rely on ‘cleverer than the audience’ twists - they’ve set themselves up as mysteries for the audience to unravel, and then they kill their own storytelling as they twist in knots trying to keep ahead of millions of intelligent viewers). The Good Place actually tells us outright that something is wrong with this supposed ‘happy afterlife’, it just fools us into thinking that we already know what’s wrong, so that we don’t see the signs of the truth for what they are. Crucially, however, it doesn’t matter if you figure it out before Eleanor does. You can have your suspicions (or have had the show spoiled for you in advance), and you can still appreciate and enjoy it as it unfolds, you can pick up the clues and have a good time with them, and that’s something that all of those gimmicky-subversion plots out there are missing. Their ‘twists’ are not proper functioning pieces of the narrative, and so the story doesn’t work if you already know the reveal; there’s no juicy build-up to enjoy, or worse, you expose your own illogical contrivances or outright plot holes that were created in the course of writing a crappy twist just to feel relevant. The Good Place works because - like any good story - it isn’t about the twist. It’s about the journey.

An important part of what makes the twist work also is that it interweaves the sins of Tahani and Chidi with the discissions of morality without drawing too much attention to them; if all four humans had simply been frauds, it would have been narratively empty, especially if the reveals were coming late in the piece. Jason’s works because it comes out early, and because the Jianyu cover is interesting and distinctly different both to Eleanor’s ploy and to the behaviour of the rest of the neighbourhood, but if the others had turned in the same way it would have been too contrived, too easy, and it would toss out the personalities we had gotten used to (which would violate Good Twist point #2). Since the show DOES pull that trick with Michael (which works because he’s the architect of the whole situation, not a pawn within it), it’s essential that they’re more subtle with Tahani and Chidi’s reasons for being where they are, and in playing it as they do they also reinforce the show’s central deliberations on morality. It’s an inspired framework for approaching what are traditionally considered ‘heady’ themes (and y’all know I’m into it), and every decision about how to approach and balance character behaviour is coming from a position of ethical consideration, weighing not only the acts themselves, but how they compare to the moral theory of various different and conflicting philosophies. It just goes to show that you don’t have to make something ponderous and inaccessible in order to have a cerebral conversation through television - you can do it just fine with afterlife comedy.

As I noted above the cut, the nature of the show automatically lends itself to careful consideration of any feminist and/or progressive content, and as such it should keep a pretty clean bill throughout, or risk cracking its own concept. I do wish they would come out stronger on the queer side of things (as I said in the episode posts, they really aren’t vague about the idea that Eleanor is attracted to women, but her saying words about hot women is still not delivering a lot on the representation front, especially when she is known to do more than say words when it comes to dudes, and the only other queer content we get is the fact that Gunnar and Antonio are soulmates, and that doesn’t technically mean they’re romantically or sexually involved (especially since they’re fakes anyway, but that’s a whole ‘nother thing)). In the mean time though, we have a female lead, 100% on the Bechdel and an essentially balanced number of male and female characters abounding, plus some really nice variety in racial backgrounds (and great names to go along with those - it’s a bit of a peeve of mine usually when show’s include multicultural characters but land everyone with Anglicised or ‘white-friendly’ names. Let the Bambadjans of the world keep their names). We’ve taken a clear stance on even ‘benign’ sexism (i.e. the stuff that’s just men saying inappropriate things - ‘just a suggestion! just a joke! just trying to get a reaction out of you, why are you so sensitive?’ - it’s all literal demon behaviour here), and I won’t pretend that I’m expecting them to get into the real nitty-gritty, but that’s ok. I’m happy to have something which is making a point of not being problematic, because such refuges have real value. So, maybe there won’t be a lot for me to tease apart as the show progresses, but that’s not a bad thing. At the moment, we have green lights across the board, and that’s a hard thing to find. I’m going with it, and we’ll see where we end up. 

[ameliyaahn3]

🖇 hello!! assassination classroom matchup, (any male character) please!

― i’m a female and a grey asexual! people find me intimidating the first time they see me, but i’m really not that intimidating. i’m somewhere in between an intj-t and an entj-t. i’m a slytherin, and my enneagram is 3w4. i’m kind of an oikawa kinnie/dazai kinnie lol.

― appearance-wise, i’m 165cm (5’4"), asian, with shoulder length black hair and dark brown eyes! i don’t like wearing dresses, often times i’m wearing long sleeves paired with shorts or jeans.

― personality-wise, i can be cold and really blunt at first and i don’t let people in easily bc trust issues™ at the rare times people actually succeed in making me their friend, i’m a bit chaotic. i’m a rational person (which sometimes offend others??), but i can be very childish at times. i have pretty dry and dark humor, and i love making sarcastic comebacks. it’s literally second nature at this point. i’m a vv moody & have a short temper. people say i’m iNtElLiGeNt, and so naturally, i’m the person my classmates go to for academic help, despite being super harsh when they get something wrong. (i can’t help it bc what i teach them usually seems easy to me ;-;"). and sometimes i’m just so done with everyone’s shit that i don’t care about anything HHHHH it’s like i have two separate personalities??

― i like horror, psychological thrillers, action & action comedies. i’m very interested in psychology & pathology, and i want to be a psychologist or a forensic psychologist one day. i love spicy food and have a sweet tooth! (ill eat literally ANYTHING sweet) i also prefer working alone than in groups, bc i do better alone. i love foxes & cats too! (i have a cat named ginger eEEE) i also really love collecting stationery!!

― i hate crowds & socializing. i’d prefer staying in and binge watching anime or movies! despite being the person people come to for academic help, i absolutely hate studying and rarely ever do study.

― my hobbies are writing, drawing, playing the piano, violin & guitar and singing! at a young age i’ve been taught how to play those instruments, but i’m only really good at piano. the life of an asian lol

thank you ❤

A/N : I can't believe how similar we are like...??? It's almost like I did a matchup for myself ? So I'm pretty sure about everything I've wrote ? Scary.

Assasination classroom >>>

I match you with...

Asano Gakushuu

If peoples are intimidated by you the first time, this guy wasn't afraid one second and I believe that it was the same in the other sense.

You two just fear nothing in this world... okay maybe Asano is scared of his father and you can't trust peoples.

Daddy issues ™ x Trust issues ™.

But you two still at least "sociables" person and were pretty quickly interested in each other despite that you tried to not make it look like it.

He is tall for his age, good looking, intelligent, multi-talented... and such a cold bastard but its just a personality traits like another one for peoples like us.

And you are an individualist, multi-talented, intelligent and kind of tomboyish girl too, traits that all together aren't very usual to Asano in the other hand. He just know one guy like that, and he's probably the one he hates the most. Karma.

Then you know what does it mean already, here begin your ennemies to lovers romance !

If you two are very smart students, the existance of each other was disturbing as your opinion about school, studying and all were different.

I assume that you would be an A-class student and as one, Asano would pay attention to if you do your homework in time but you just don't need that and you maked him clearly understand ?

But who's the school president ? He's superior to you! How dare you ?

And here we go again : another fight, who would win this time ? You're naturally talented for comeback and a funny person, he's polite but don't hesit to go really hard just to shut your mouth. He loves your lips.

Asano don't pity you at all and even laugh at you when he see how much you don't like crows and peoples in general and prefer to be alone, watching anime and movies.

But makes fun of you less about it with time and try to help you a little bit, not too much cause he want you only for him.

Also because despite being a more sociable person, Asano isn't funny and is worst than you about build strong bonds : he just use peoples.

He hates and loves your academic facilities cause thank to them you manage to keep up with him but he can't study with you in an 100% academic way.

But I think that the worst thing for him is that because of them you're able to give him advices sometimes about how he should lead the school and that you can make him question himself about his own perfect methods !

This bitch critics almost everything you do : piano, guitar, writing and violin just because he's better than you and makes you feel it.

Just don't show him your stories/texts or this will be his writing and don't try to be a better guitarist than him cause this will never happen.

But don't be sad cause he respects you singing and drawing, Gakushuu don't even dare to say bad about them except if this is objective, he also likes your interest for psychology, often asking for your knowledge randomly and in fact you're the leader here.

Yeah, you're the one in control, you just let Asano believe he's dom. This guy is so embarassed and ignorant about love, feelings but act like he's confident.

You're mostly in charge of physical touch.He hates to feel weak, can't assume his desire for you, he's just messy about it! You're the only one person he's totally honest with.

Spoil you when he think you deserves it only... well that's what he want to believe : He don't know how to show his love properly so he do what he can -> he don't understand the concept of love language as he can't believe he's a giver and that he just can't identify to them.

Asano isn't interested in animals but do efforts with Ginger, not very difficult as he is a cat person.

Your family will loves him, unfortunately his father won't like you.

Slytherin x slytherin, 3w4 x 3w4, so similar but so different too, you should consider potentialy being an entp.

Can't assume to like when you're chaotic, he complain about it but it does have positive effect on him.

He's never offended with whatever you may say, he's captivated by your reflexions and ideas. Lips

His kiss are surprisingly passionate, sometimes is having a hand in your shoulder while talking, he often touch your back and when he feel confident he takes your hand in public.

Others potential match :

The Reaper, Itona Horibe

[blackswaneuroparedux]

Anonymous asked: I hugely appreciate how educated you are with your education in the Classics (at either Oxford or Cambridge I think) but I ask with sincere respect how does any of it inform your privileged life in this day and age? It’s easy to say how much we should value our European traditions and heritage it is quite another to live it out don’t you agree? What do you personally get from it?

This is a very relevant question and I apologise if I have stalled in answering it as I was busy with work and life to formulate a worthy reply. But your question is an important one indeed for anyone who harkens to the past as a guide for the present and the future.

I won’t waste space here and tick box all the purely academic reasons why the Classical world is still relevant for us today. I think you can find that in easy to read books and articles written by eminent Classicists who do an admirable service in making the Classical World come alive for the general public (Mary Beard, Bettany Hughes, Emily Wilson, Edith Hall, Peter Jones, Bernard Knox, Robin Lane Fox, Paul Cartledge, and Donald Kagan amongst others that come to mind). But it’s an uphill battle to be sure.

Classics - at least in United Kingdom - has been regressively marginalised with each passing generation starting from school up to university entry. It has an image problem. Few pay much attention to scholars of Latin and Greek. The impression is that Classicists are snobbish and is the education of privileged elitists who master languages that are not spoken. They learn to write them only to read them better. They slap your hands when you write a Latin word common in Sallust or Livy, rather than in Cicero. There is some truth to that sadly. To a large extent Classicists themselves have not been a good advertisement for why anyone should appreciate let alone study the classical world.

At one end those educated in the Classics can come across as encouraging elitism, snobbish pedantry and a sniffy social superiority and at the other end those not versed in Classics but through Hollywood (any sword and sandal film like Gladiator etc) and PC white washed TV series (BBC’s Troy is a good example) have formed a romantic attachment to the ‘heroic’ past by having blue pilled themselves into escapism. Both extremes makes Classics a fetish rather than a guide for life through the beauty and power of the language and culture of the singular Greeks and Romans.

The study of Classics can become the proverbial dog who can dance on two legs, but for what practical purpose? There is the rub. Classics, at its best, offers the historical, philological, and literary foundation and discipline to apply a critical method to every general aspect of learning - and living.

I was fortunate that I had Classicists - both within my family and also my teachers - who were cultured and had led such interesting lives and were able to marry their Classicist mind to their life experiences (often through the experience of war). So learning European languages was not just to get one’s head around arid esoteric articles by 19th-century Frenchmen on the Athenian banking system or Demosthenes’ use of praeteritio and apophasis, but also to appreciate the genius of Dante,Voltaire and Goethe. Classics should never just be about philology though because it can result in a life mostly missed.

Perhaps others might call it privileged but I consider my childhood blessed because I was surrounded by family members who were educated in the Classics - more rare than one might suppose. Through my great aunts and grandmother they instilled the discipline that the mastery of Latin and Greek fuelled the ability to speak and write good English -- and why the latter mattered as much or more than the former.

By the time I left both Cambridge and Oxford behind, I could cite passage numbers in Greek texts of what Thucydides and Plutarch thought of Nicias. But it was only when I went through Sandhurst to pass out as a commissioned army officer did it truly jump off the page and become alive for me.

Moreover having had long fire side conversations with both my grandfather and father - both Oxbridge educated Classicists and both served in distant different types of wars as swashbuckling officers - did I use that learning to understand why for example was Nicias such a laughably mediocre general of the Peloponnesian War. And this was essentially the practical point of reading Thucydides and Plutarch about Nicias in the first place.

I spent many hours in my down time during my service in Afghanistan between missions re-reading dog earred favourite Classicist texts. I began to see the ghosts of the Greeks in the characters of those with whom I was serving. Some began to resemble Sophoclean characters - especially the less well-known ‘losers’ like Ajax and Philoctetes - the sort of tragic heroes whom we root for but the odds are against them - think of any American Western film or the more pathological Tarantino films. Like Sophocles I saw majestic characters (some special forces operators) out of place in a modernising world who would rather perish than change - but in a context where their sacrifice schools the lesser around them about what the old breed was about and what was being lost.

A running thread from a childhood spent in many other countries - from South Asia to the Far East - to the present day is learning to appreciate our landscape as the Ancient world did. The cultivation of curiosity of cultures was seeded in childhood. Respecting and even admiring other cultures - Indian, Iranian, Chinese and Japanese primarily come to mind - led me to appreciate and treasure my own cultural heritage and traditions. The DNA of both the Roman and Greek world went far and wide and so teasing out their fingerprints was fun. In northern Pakistan, we came across ‘Alexander’s children’ - children with blonde and blue eyes who were said to be descended from Alexander the Great’s time in Afghanistan and India - and wandering around the banks of the Jhelum river imagining how Alexander beat his respected foe (later ally) King Porus at the Battle of Hydaspes in 326BC.

These days despite having a busy corporate career I help support running a French vineyard managed foremost by two exceptional cousins and their French partners. As such the Classics still resonate in how I look at the land beyond the vineyard - bridges, roads, towers, walls  - and imagine the Greeks not with ink and papyrus but as men of action, farmers and hoplites, in a rough climate on poor soils. I suddenly envision them pruning and plowing in Laureion, the Oropos, and Acharnae, more like the rugged local farmers with whom come harvest time I roll my sleeves up and get my hands dirty in the vineyards than as the professors in elbow patches who had claimed them.

Knowing and learning about the Classical roots of our Western heritage isn’t just a question of culture it’s also about what personally motivates us in life and how that determines how we make consequential choices in life.

I live in fear of one Greek word  ‘akrasia’. Ancient Greek philosophers coined the term to explain the lack of motivation in life. Most of the philosophical conundrums explored by contemporary philosophers were already explored in Ancient Greece. In fact, Ancient Greek philosophers laid the solid foundation for all philosophical approaches that appeared throughout history: theories of Kant, Hegel or Nietzsche would never exist without Socrates, Plato or Aristotle.

Among the many problems that baffled the Ancient Greeks, one of them gets quite a lot of attention today. Why don’t we always do what’s best for us? Why do we abandon good decisions in favour of bad ones? Why can’t we follow through on our plans and ideas?

Many people would say that the answer is simply laziness or decision fatigue, but Ancient Greek philosophers believed that the problem lay much deeper, in human nature itself. ‘Akrasia’ describes a state of acting against one’s better judgement or a lack of will that prevents one from doing the right thing. Plato believed that akrasia is not an issue in itself, because people always choose the solution they think is the best for them, and sometimes it accidentally happens that they choose the bad solution because of poor judgement. On the other hand, Aristotle disagreed with this explanation and argued that the fault in the human process of reasoning is not responsible for akrasia. He believed that the answer lies in the human tendency to desire, which is often far stronger than reason.

As with almost all philosophical concepts, a consensus has never been reached and akrasia remains open to interpretation. But its practical consequences are all too real in today’s world. Motivation is what makes us unpredictable and persistent, and the life circumstances of the modern world often make motivation disappear.

Today - regardless how old or young one is - many are more and more tempted to exchange a long-term goal for an immediately available pleasure in all its forms from the emotional band aid of porn from a lifeless relationship (or a lack of one) to escaping loneliness for the false intimacy of social media friendship. The lack of motivation can cause us to reduce ourselves to someone else’s standards when we know we can be or do better. 

The Greeks felt that the way you think and feel about yourself, including your beliefs and expectations about what is possible for you, determines everything that happens to you. When you change the quality of your thinking, you change the quality of your life. I’ve been deeply influenced by Aristotle’s idea that virtue is a habit, something you practice and get better at, rather than something that comes naturally. “The control of the appetites by right reason,” is how he defined it. Another way to reframe this is to say, “Virtue is knowing what you really want,” and then building the intellectual, spiritual, and moral muscle to go after it.

To be cultured - as opposed to be merely educated - is how you put what you’ve learned to work in your own life, seeing the world around you more deeply because of the historical, literary, artistic and philosophical resonances that current experiences evoke. This is the privilege of being cultured. For me Classical stories come often to my mind, and some times provide guides to action (much as Plutarch intended his histories of famous men to be guides to morality and action). The classics then are a part of my mental toolset and the context I think with some of the time. I see that as the real blessing in my life.

Thanks for your question.

[goodmusicbadreview]

Jacob Collier – ‘Djesse Vol. 3’ | Put it away man! This is just embarrassing…

I’ve been a close, if sceptical, follower of Jacob Collier’s for quite some time. Like much of the online music literati (lol), I was once in total awe of the young prodigy, but over the last few years I’ve grown more and more frustrated with the direction in which his career has gone. Having seen the guy live on four occasions (god knows why I kept going), I’ve watched his slow descent into total narcissism. Now, upon the third full length album release of his four-part Djesse project, it seems clear to me that Collier is beyond saving from his own self-indulgence. In fact, with every new social media post, YouTube video, live performance and interview, it has become increasingly apparent that if he ever watched Jurassic Park as a child, Collier must have looked at the competing world views of Jeff Goldblum and Richard Attenborough’s characters and thought “Who is this man trying to limit Richard’s creative genius with all his talk of chaos and self-control?”. Collier has spared no expense putting together his latest record, but it seems he was so preoccupied with whether or not he could that he didn't stop to think if he should.

The trouble begins very early on in Djesse Vol. 3. The first full length song, ‘Count the People’, is a mess of confused ideas, and attention seeking, unpolished rapping from a privileged, North London white boy clearly pandering to a pop music audience that, in all likelihood, will find him as irritating and disingenuous as I do. It’s not necessarily that he’s white, or wealthy that causes me to point out his rapping as messy and insincere, but more the hollowness of the lyrics, strung together only in pursuit of proving that he can rap really quickly to an unconventional rhythmic pattern. To make things worse, the track follows Collier’s word vomit with his attempt at a club anthem, intercut with fragments of totally incongruent musical ideas from EDM screams to a horrifically immersion-breaking banjo run of all things.

Now, there’s nothing wrong at all with eclecticism and freneticism in music if it’s employed thoughtfully and with any semblance of self-control, but Collier seems to just throw anything and everything into his famously massive logic sessions with total careless abandon. ‘Count the People’ is definitely the most offensive example of the polymath’s chuck-it-all-in creative approach, but this process is obnoxiously present in every track on the album. The internet’s great jazz saviour seems pathologically unable to handle the smallest moment of silence. Every slight lull in energy is filled with some shouted interjection, showy bass lick or sampled reference to a moment on a previous album.

Even the tracks that are somewhat compelling suffer at the hands of Collier’s manic personality. Daniel Caesar’s beautifully silky guest vocals on ‘Time Alone With You’ are constantly interrupted by frenzied interjections from Collier in the form of pitched up vocal tics and a frequently inserted chord sequence that the multi-instrumentalist seems to be trying to coin as a signature move. ‘All I Need’ also suffers from this problem, plagued by horrible, popping mouth noises, cringy shouts of “Ohhhh” from Collier at the start of each chorus, and horrific autotuned runs from Ty Dolla $ign. On many occasions, Collier’s need to include every miraculous idea that pops into his head will serve to disrupt a gorgeous vocal feature from the likes of Caesar, Mahalia or Tori Kelly.

There are occasional bright spots on Djesse Vol. 3, namely the serene ‘In Too Deep (feat. Kiana Ledé)’, which succeeds because it strips back all of Collier’s mania in favour of something simpler and more focused. The album’s closing track also has this effect, with a clear goal of bringing the record to a quiet, contemplative conclusion. Unfortunately, these rare moments of planning and forethought are overpowered by a creative impulse to include every little idea lest it disappear into the ether.

I had a conversation with a friend not so long ago about Jacob Collier’s career trajectory and where we wished he had taken it. His recorded output is clear evidence of what he does well, what his limitations are, and what his value is as an influential figure in contemporary music making. I almost wish that Collier had gone into academia, developing new theories in experimental harmony, production techniques and developing new technological concepts like his harmonizer which he uses in live performance. In becoming a major presence in recorded jazz-adjacent popular music and internet music culture, his value is in his fandom and said fandom’s renewed interest in music theory. The art that he has produced, culminating in this bloated Djesse project lacks a clear vision, oversight, genuine collaboration or substance. Jacob Collier is an intriguing phenomenon, but I fear that his well of artistic value has just about run dry.

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

so i am finally forcing myself to conclude my magicians rewatch with the last two episodes of s4, out of some combination of completionism/masochism/truly could not even process where everything was leaving off plot-wise the first time through, and i KNOW that i am UNFASHIONABLY LATE to the party of being mad about the magicians s4, but this is as it has always been a blog for whatever it is i cannot stop screaming about, so, some screaming re: not necessarily objectively the worst but the things that make me, personally, most enraged about the worst hour and a half of television i have watched in my life:

-before we even get in here, there’s just so much about… the entire show and especially this season… that makes no sense if the way it ends is Quentin Dies, so above all i am mad because this show tricked me into thinking that it was complex rather than incoherent. even setting aside the queliot of it all (which LOL), why have the entire conflict about quentin going to blackspire if you’re then going to double down on his sacrificial impulse a season later? why have him say he hopes to be a dad someday - a very tender and meaningful thing to come from a character who started the series unable to imagine even wanting a future for himself, whose deepest fears as surfaced by the mind prison back in S1 involve being unable to live independently and hurting his family, which shows such an evolution in how he sees himself and what he believes himself capable of - only to kill him 5 episodes later? is it literally just to make it hurt worse?

-so much is infuriating because it is ALMOST good! there’s ALMOST a very interesting and evocative metaphor about how the magic martin chatwin used to torture plover relentlessly keeps him alive in the poison room, something that hearkens back to eliot’s observation way back that he had all that power and still couldn’t stop thinking about the room where it happened. but then it’s all thrown in with plover of all people delivering all this shit about how people can change but no one will let you which is just, why? why would you put that idea in his mouth? what are you trying to say here?

-quentin looks EXTREMELY hot in an unzipped black sadness hoodie, very tony stark in iron man 3 vibes. this is oppressive to me. quentin should not look this hot while having to engage with such nonsense!

-the fish… the fucking fish… why would you specifically write that joshfish needs eye contact from a character who can pop out her own eye… and then use that to sideline margo from saving the most important person in her life… WHY

-alice giving margo relationship advice COULD be amazing but IS stupid because it’s the second time this season that a female character is like, “maybe i AM too much of an idiot to identify my own feelings until someone else points them out to me,” also because of the fish thing

-the alice/quentin romantic reunion… i don’t know. i don’t know what to fucking do with this. i think it is the second most infuriating thing to me, after quentin’s death, because it feels so regressive for both characters? why is alice getting back with her boyfriend of 3 years ago when her arc this season seemed to be about learning to live with her past without being trapped by it? what of eating gummy bears in modesto? it could have been a very beautiful moment for BOTH these characters who are so pathologically haunted by regret to reach a level of maturity and care that allowed them to say, we both love each other deeply and want to be a part of each other’s lives, but not the way we meant that three years ago, in a new way as careful deliberate friends which we’ve never really had a chance to be. and instead it is… the least romantic romantic scene in the history of television?

-there is so much i cannot make heads or tails of in the decisions around quentin in these two episodes and this is like top of the list, honestly. how the fuck are we supposed to read quentin’s decision to get back together with alice? because the explanation that makes sense is that he is traumatized out of his mind and extremely depressed and 2 out of the 3 most important people in her life are possessed by omnipotent god creatures maybe forever and ultimately yes he DOES love alice and he DOES trust her and no part of him is capable of engaging with anything like romantic feelings right now but he’s kind of like, well, you know what, why not. why not, if i feel like complete garbage and my best friend/unresolved former life partner love interest situation are probably going to die (especially since julia going goddess was like one of the closest things they still had to hope for beating the monster, as stated by julia herself in the previous episode!), just get back with my ex i don’t hate anymore. she’s into it, she’s here, maybe that will make me feel better. and what makes me feel like i have swallowed horse tranquilizers is that THAT IS FULLY HOW JASON RALPH PLAYS THIS SCENE???? we have seen quentin in the throes of actual love and desire, with both alice and eliot! IT DOESN’T LOOK AT ALL LIKE THIS! but that interpretation only makes sense if at some point later you are going to unpack it and undo it, which you can’t do… if he’s… dead. so: ??????????

-when alice floats the possibility that quentin has maybe managed to forgive himself, which is a bonkers thing to even be in the script at this point like that is always on some level relevant for quentin but so not in the top hundred concerns relating to the actual situation at hand broadly or on the alice/quentin level, nothing about quentin’s response says the answer is yes??? he takes this heartbreaking shuddering breath and dodges the question??? again, congruent with a reading where he is getting back with his ex out of intense depressed person logic but not remotely squarable with “and then he dies emotionally resolved”??? what are you trying to communicate to us insane writers/brilliant actor jason ralph i DON’T UNDERSTAND

-everyone else TELLING quentin he still loves fillory… let my son whomst is about to die have agency to define his own fucking feelings!!!!! also, bonus bananas reason to sideline margo with babysitting fish josh: of all the characters on this dumb show i think she is like fully the only one we could argue still loves fillory!!!

-there is so much wasted potential in the monster… honestly i can’t even go there in delineating all of it. so much evocative shit is thrown out (and hale appleman gives such a weird fun sad gross strange complicated performance) and then nothing ever means anything.

-again: there’s ALMOST something great in the idea alice and quentin toss back and forth that growing up doesn’t have to mean discarding everything about who you were before. there’s ALMOST an idea there which circles all the way back to the very first episode of the show, where quentin decides that his problem is not that he is depressed and sad and scared but that he needs to grow up and grow out of the person that he is. but what is the show trying to say in having his girlfriend from 3 years ago tell him this? why, again, if their rekindled relationship is supposed to be legible as real, does he spend the entire interaction looking like he wants to, uh, die? WHY does the show have alice echo back to quentin a sentiment about himself (that it’s beautiful that he really believes in things) that was last heard FROM MARGO, RIGHT BEFORE QUENTIN BLEW UP HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH ALICE BY HOOKING UP WITH HER?

-why… would you have… your beautiful sad depresso bean… express out loud the sentence, “if this couldn’t make me happy, then what would?”... and then kill him 40 minutes later and try to swear up and down these two things are unconnected. why. why would you have this moment of the despair of confronting the fundamental randomness of the universe, of being forced to abandon the quest to find meaning outside yourself, and follow that up with, um, literally anything other than the realization that meaning comes from within, can only be determined by the self, etc. why is that not the particular strain of wisdom quentin has spent four years building towards? especially given the occasional glimpses of it he’s previously had? (sometimes it is good merely to eat bacon and touch hands; the fuckin mosaic timeline) why don’t we go from the idea of fillory saved my life to my own capacity for belief saved my life, i saved my own fucking life, that’s a goddamn power i can take with me anywhere? or like, EVEN the fact that the fillory-flower decides that loving the idea of fillory IS enough, there’s… places to go with that, with the idea that things are what we make of them, we are the ones who make things matter or not… but no. now we can drink magic kool-aid and die stupidly. that’s the payoff.

-jason ralph of course acts the absolute shit out of this scene which makes it even more insulting!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how dare you use his beautiful face, the most expressive face in the history of faces, to go there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-i cannot believe there is so much bad television still to go after this

-do they have penny23 state out loud “it should be her choice” to make it feel like it’s okay for him to then go and make that choice?

-kady stating out loud that all she wanted to be penny’s girlfriend is… one of the most hateful things i have ever seen on television

-the fact that margo is in the mood for making out while things are at a critical point in Operation Save Eliot… hateful!

-julia immediately backing down from “fuck you for ending the 5 minutes of bodily autonomy i get every season” to “let me make moon-eyes at you”... H A T E F U L

-IN GENERAL, the hideousness with which every single fucking female main is treated in these two episodes is loathsome because it has forced me to finally understand the goddamn g*me of thr*nes people… for years i watched them be like, “yes, very much rape all the time, but sansa is so hardcore!” and just shook my head pityingly… but i too was fooled. i too was fucking bamboozled into genuinely loving 4 imaginary women that the show refuses to grant bodily autonomy or basic dignity or full personhood. sorry sansa people. i judged you too harshly this whole time.

-i mostly don’t hate josh or margo/josh but josh explaining to quentin why margo is mad makes me want to commit an act of physical violence

-there is SOME OTHER UNIVERSE with SOME OTHER SEASON 4 where the finale culminating in a celebration of the power of collaborative magic is very interesting and moving and thematically relevant. i would have LOVED to watch that season.

-why do we get to see the monster appreciating the beauty of the world 30 seconds before he dies? what is the point of this, other than to taunt us about what the monster could have been?

-everyone has said this 500 times but i will say it a 501st: it is literally unbelievable that quentin betrays no reaction whatsoever to eliot being monster-free.

-why the fuck is the scene in the seam staged the way it is!!! why does quentin take 800 years to throw the fucking bottles in!!!! why does his death look like a music video from 2004.

-to identify quentin as having the most beautiful and thematically lovely discipline possible and then two episodes later turn it into a snappy one-liner to usher in the worst thing i’ve ever seen on a television program…. haaaaaaaaate

-i can’t even be coherent about this scene between quentin and pod person penny except to REITERATE that it should be ILLEGAL for someone to give a performance THIS GOOD for writing THIS BAD

-wait i do have one thing to say which is re: “then i found brakebills, and all that went away” - enraging to me personally BECAUSE: the exact moment i fell in love with this dumb show was the closing of season 1, episode 6, the secrets magic in the trials, the moment the show careened away from the narrative it had been selling apparently straightforwardly for its first half-season - that quentin was only sad and sick because he didn’t know who he was, that after all his pain came from in fact being from secretly more special than everyone else - by laying out bare what was very, very evident in quentin’s actual behavior and temperament, which was that in fact brakebills hadn’t fixed him, in fact he had come to brakebills and remained exactly who he was, “this person that i fucking hate.” that was so true, and wise, and real, and felt like something really special that i hadn’t ever seen articulated quite so clearly and poignantly. so… to directly contradict that amazing moment of self-awareness and honesty and vulnerability… HATE

-not even gonna talk about this dumb fire scene except that scoring it to a song that includes the line “slowly learning that life is okay” is very very evil

-and, once again, julia echoing quentin’s card trick from the pilot could be really beautiful… in literally any other fucking context!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-in conclusion: HATE

[silenthillmutual]

alright let’s do this. let’s talk about why dankovsky is definitely trans.

i’m on day 6 now so i guess i’ll add some shit to the pile as it goes along

of course i could make a ton of jokes that are vague gestures like “i, too, am 5′2 and have my bachelor’s degree, so as a gay trans man i of course know one when i see one”. and i can! i do! i can confirm that at 27 we are just Like That. i think there’s also something to be said about him getting called ‘dandy’ and ‘fop’ by people (which, btw, have been used as slang terms for gay men) - something my friends and i all noticed after starting HRT is that we now care way more about our appearances - but that’s more of the same, more on the fun side of personal interpretation.

but since my bachelor’s degree is in being Deeply Disrespectful*, i might as well go over what i consider to be text-based evidence in favor of this interpretation. because this is the kind of thing i do in my spare time, for fun.

at the moment my working memory only gives me three big things to go on:

first, the carouser who suggests that the mara / shabnak-adyr / steppe creature is actually daniil. all of the steppe creatures mentioned in the game thus far, to my knowledge, take on the guise of women. beyond the obvious (daniil being read as a woman, or effeminate in appearance - something i’ll mention in the next point as well), there’s the fact that all of these steppe creatures appear as something that they aren’t. this could work on several levels; by day 6, people are starting to turn on daniil. because he’s become more or less a glorified errand boy and political chess piece, it would be easy to take a step back and see how he’s being scapegoated now. he’s been set up, as an outsider, as an easy target for disdain - all three of the healers have been, which really comes to a head for him & clara specifically in day 6 (artemiy has been getting it from the first day but by day 6 has disappeared). and although this rumor about daniil comes from talking to the carouser, talking to the teenage boy and the tot will reveal that other NPCs are starting to see him as a failure, too; the tot specifically says “we are so, so afraid of you”. daniil gets called a Harbinger of Death. but this takes on an extra layer of meaning if daniil is in danger of being read as lying about who he is, in terms of gender (which i’ll talk about in point 3).

second, and this isn’t specifically about daniil being trans - but i think he’s almost definitely meant to be read as queer, but maybe with the exact label being open to interpretation. he gets called a fop and a dandy, both of which refer to foolish and vain men who spend too much time focused on their appearance (so it’s kind of funny that he can comment on the wealthy man npc and ask him about the “mad tailor” who came up with his outfit. is daniil insulting it, or is he looking to buy it?) - but those are also both terms that have been used as slang to describe gay men. i’ve seen it mentioned before that although this game doesn’t have dating sim elements in it that daniil can flirt with maria and eva...but honestly? he has flirtatious dialogue with pretty much everyone within his age range. i mean, good god, in artemiy’s route, the his first interaction with daniil includes daniil referencing plato’s description of soulmates to describe them. and artemiy can sleep in his bed. and, actually, with that in mind - rats and dogs aren’t the only ones who take the blame for carrying and spreading disease outbreaks: trans and gay people get thrown under the bus here all the time, too...and daniil is sometimes implied and other times outright accused of being the source of the plague or of its spread. plenty of video games are sloppy, and i could easily handwave something like that...but pathologic is hardly sloppy, so i couldn’t shrug it away here. 

last: daniil’s entire route seems to keep circling back to misogyny. in the context of psychological horror, part of what makes the genre its own distinction is bringing the central character’s most secret fears to fruition. this is a staple of the silent hill series; all of alessa’s terrors come to life in silent hill as relentlessly hunted by her mother (while harry, who adores his daughter, has to search to try and find her the whole game, only to fail no matter how well you did), james and angela and eddie are all forced to come to terms with the murders they committed and what that means about them as people, and one of heather’s underlying fears is the terror of sexual assault and pregnancy that leads up to the reveal of how exactly she’s going to give birth to god. and daniil’s route is about uncovering the truth - but the townsfolk’s ideas of uncovering the truth is in brutalizing women, frequently with comments as to how well they perform gender. despite aspity projecting her internalized misogyny on daniil, he has plenty of snarky and furious comments to make about the way women in the town are treated. and here’s what would make this extra horrifying for daniil: they are already starting to turn on him, so what exactly would they do to the doctor they now see as an agent of chaos if he’s outed as afab? the entire context surrounding the townsfolks’ desire to expose women as monsters pulling tricks reeks of transphobia. the steppe creatures do really exist - or at least, one of them does, should you do sticky’s sidequest for day 6 - and you could definitely attribute parts of daniil’s route to be a conflict of old world vs new world, city vs. country, and class oppression - as i think you’re meant to. but the misogyny keeps cropping up the sidelines like veins in an arm. it’s easy to see why mysticism vs. science is a big part of daniil’s journey in the game, and i think it’s (sadly) refreshing to see misogyny shown as an evil, and i get why these things are linked to daniil’s cynical ideas about the nature of humanity and how that’s at war with his being a doctor and the desire to “cure” death or at least extend longevity (it must be hard to want to see a world succeed that wants to see you fail). but what role does misogyny specifically and explicitly play in the horror aspect of his story? (please keep in mind that the realities of how transphobia and [misaimed] misogyny affect trans men needs a lot of nuance; if you are not a trans man yourself, please be open minded to the discussion.)

anyway. that’s what i got so far on my thoughts about the topic... i’m sure i’ll think of more stuff later but it’s like two in the morning and my hyperfix brain should go sleep, lol.

[thesinglesjukebox]

IDINA MENZEL & AURORA - INTO THE UNKNOWN

[5.83]

[Knock, knock, knock-knock, knock] Do you want to build a sequel?

Jessica Doyle: Given Disney's current reputation for nostalgic repetition, I was pleasantly surprised to find Frozen II full of ideas -- in fact so full of ideas that almost none of them actually get developed with any coherence. (Whose voice was it again? And why is Olaf suddenly obsessed with aging? And how was a troop of Arendellian soldiers going missing without a trace for three decades not an issue? Et cetera.) "Into the Unknown" is as good a preview of the incoherence as any, as the song makes no sense narratively, psychologically (having spent all but the last six months of her life being taught decorum and self-distrust to the point of pathology, Elsa is ready to flee Arendelle because she... hears a voice?), or musically: the build-up to the chorus is repeatedly off-puttingly paced, most clearly in the "How... do I... follow... YOUUUUU" climactic line. But then again, I can say all this with authority because my older daughter, who was well finished with the first movie, is insisting on playing the soundtrack on the way to school. Maybe stuffing your sequels full of ideas and not worrying too much about the implications is more profitable than Bob Iger is willing to admit. [4]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: It's impossible to discuss "Into the Unknown" without discussing the massive success of "Let It Go." "Let it Go" was the rare type of cultural touchstone whose power was almost universal: it sold 11 million copies the year after the movie came out, won an Academy Award and Grammy, reached top five on the Billboard Hot 100, was translated into 44 different languages, and arguably paved the way for Disney to release a second movie and Broadway musical. Winter 2013-2014 when the movie came out, I remember singing this song in French during French class; in 2020, I'm putting on a musical production of Frozen with my students in China and every one of them -- inexplicably, even the ones who really don't speak English -- knows the words to the chorus. This is all to say: expectations for the second Frozen soundtrack were sky-high, and thus, "Into the Unknown" has been sold as the new "Let It Go" almost since before the movie was even released. (I'd argue that "Show Yourself" is a better thematic follow-up, but never mind me.) So does "Into the Unknown" live up to the hype? Not exactly; but to no fault of its own. The song works perfectly well as a way to advance the character development of Elsa and is gorgeously sung. Idina Menzel sells trepidation, fear, and excitement convincingly, and harmonizes with Aurora beautifully. It pays tribute to its listeners too; if "Let it Go" is a child's anthem about becoming the person you have always been despite what others think, "Into the Unknown" is the adult version of that, a song about escaping the comfortable life you've built in hopes of finding something new about the world and yourself. The song is doomed to live in the shadow of its predecessor, but is still excellent in its own right. [8]

Jonathan Bradley: "Let It Go" was, for all its power, an introspective ballad that turned on the first Frozen's theme of the liberating wonder of self-discovery. Its successor, "Into the Unknown," is tasked with maneuvering great wedges of plot into position, meaning it has to be the film's showstopper as well as taking on narrative weight that "Love is an Open Door" and "Do You Want to Build a Snowman" bore first time around. (The piano flurries that form the intro deliberately invoke the latter.) Aurora's four-note motif, the sinuous call that leads Idina Menzel's Elsa out of a resolved story and the security of her home of Arendelle, is appropriately otherworldly, but the song needs far too much to be overwhelming to allow that delicate melody the space it needs to be as entrancing as it is supposed to be. But "Into the Unknown" does eventually manage to be more than stage-setting; "Are you someone out there who's a little bit like me/Who knows deep down I'm not where I'm meant to be" is a couplet that speaks to that deep-seated sense of strangeness Elsa sees within herself and which has made her movies more than a toddler-sized-blue-dress dissemination mechanism. Something else helps: Menzel's horizon-shattering wail when she hits "unknown." The voice that defied gravity on "Defying Gravity" has the heft to move these big wedges of plot to where they need to go. [7]

Katie Gill: Whereas "Let it Go" was "Defying Gravity" reskinned, "Into the Unknown" is every musical theater "I want" song reskinned. Elsa wants to see how far she'll go, she's gotta find her corner of the sky, and for once it might be grand to have someone understand. As such, it's something we've heard before. A decent re-interpretation of something we've heard before with downright beautiful harmonies near the end, but something we've heard before nonetheless. "Into the Unknown" also fails in the job it's supposed to do: be inoffensive and singable enough that five year olds or my drunk ass can sing it through all the way without disaster happening. That last "into the unKNOOO-OOOOO-OOO-OOOOOWN" is very nice and very powerful and is comprised of notes that six-year-old girls and my exceedingly alto range cannot hit. But, like "Let it Go" before it, this is a song that Disney has carefully crafted and reverse-engineered and is putting so much pressure to be an actual hit. Of course it's going to be decent. Not as amazing as "Let it Go," which is easily a [9] on a good day and a [10] when I'm drunk, but a solid song nonetheless and one that I won't mind hearing when Idina inevitably performs it at the Oscars or when my five-year-old second cousin starts happily talking to me about Frozen at the next family reunion. [7]

Jackie Powell: Although Elsa doesn't build an ice castle at the conclusion of this power ballad, "Into The Unknown" doesn't need to be accompanied by gigantic visuals for it to be a much more complex and fascinating song than its predecessor. This track soars and it uses a potent string section, predictable but equally fun percussive cymbal crashes and Aurora's eerie dies irae gregorian chant as a counter melody. There's a certainty in "Let It Go" and that must be one of the reasons why it caught on as much as it did. But the difference in "Into the Unknown" is its obvious ambiguity in subject matter and tone. It's not sure of itself, but I don't think that detracts from its quality. That's why I don't think it's really all that comparable to "Let It Go." Its goals and motives are different. It's more mature in lyrical plot and composition. "Into the Unknown" takes leaps and breaths just as Elsa does when she's contemplating her next move. That's the beauty of the track, which composers Kristen Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez have addressed. Each line in each chorus is symbolic. In every "Into the Unknown" within the refrain, Idina Menzel takes a leap sonically. First, she travels an octave higher, which is a relatively safe interval, but then that is followed by the much more difficult intervals as the chorus ends. Menzel's voice goes up a ninth followed by an eleventh. Vocally she's out of her comfort zone, which pushes Elsa to do the same. The melody is clearly a bit choppier. It also bounces especially on the couplet of alliterations: " I'm sorry, secret siren, but I'm blocking out your calls." Its dynamics are much more defined and that's credit to Menzel, who wanted to sell the track as more than a "Let It Go" B-side. The extended queer metaphor that Elsa represents is able to flourish under "Unknown." Although it really shows itself much more later in the soundtrack. [7]

Edward Okulicz: Yeah, look, Frozen II: Heterosexuality Reclaims the Throne of Arendelle gave me plenty of feels too, but I always preferred "Do You Want to Build a Snowman?" to "Let It Go," so this wasn't one of the Primary Feels Sources. The use of Aurora's four note call as a leitmotif is pretty clever melodically, but forcing this song and its narrative pivot kicking and screaming into being an "I Want" song (subclassification: "I Must," which if it doesn't already exist, it, well... should) is unbecoming. The asides ("which I don't") feel unnatural away from the cinema, and while Menzel surely blasts with those notes I don't feel moved when I replay. [6]

Brad Shoup: It's quenching when, in the second half of the second verse, Menzel dips into some jump-blues phrasing. There was no way this thing was going to stay an Arctic tone poem, so I'm grateful for moments like that. Toss out the movie and have Menzel reel in the asides, and you'd have a fantastically mysterious piece of piano-pop. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: I've never seen either of the Frozen films, but I recall how annoying I found "Let It Go," from the first film. This is better (though still, of course, a big Broadway-style ballad); I appreciate how this song will likely speak to theatre kids who feel like the weirdos in their schools -- songwriters Kristin Anderson-Lopez and Robert Lopez, obviously, have a knack for this kind of thing. Having Broadway queen Idina Menzel sing it helps, as does the clever move of having Norwegian singer Aurora sing the part of the siren. Judged for what it is, rather than as a basic pop record, this is solid. [6]

Ashley Bardhan: As a recuperating former theater kid, I hoped this strange collaboration would be everything I wanted but couldn't admit. Unfortunately, it turned out to be nothing I wanted, which I feel comfortable admitting. I'm not sure what Aurora is meant to do on this track other than supply wordless, ghostly ooo-ing, which opens you to a sense of mysterious possibility that goes absolutely nowhere. Idina Menzel is a powerhouse and typically good at convincing us that we are in her character's world, but even she sounds bored at the incongruously triumphant swelling of orchestra during the chorus. She calls out from the overblown composition, "Into the unknown! Isn't it cool that I'm hitting this E-flat in chest voice?!" Yes, it is very cool, but less so that the last 40 seconds of this song is essentially musical theatre sacrilege. A money-maker high-note chorus into a painfully loud bridge that conveys absolutely no mood other than "me and Aurora are both singing right now," only to end with a very embarrassing, ham-fisted belted note? And they had the audacity to let Idina put a slide in there? No, no. No, no, no. No. [3]

Alfred Soto: No, no, I mean -- let me go. [3]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: Even more than the first installment, Frozen II was lacking in songs that were memorable in and of themselves. "Lost in the Woods," for example, is really only notable for the animation that accompanied it: a montage riffing on '80s music videos that proved unexpectedly entertaining. "Into the Unknown" is the film's best song, but the music doesn't quite match what the lyrics are trying to convey: Why is the first chorus so bombastic when Elsa's not yet convinced to follow this siren's song? At least "Let It Go" knew how to accomplish a sensible narrative arc with its use of dynamic range. "Unknown" doesn't come together as neatly as "Let It Go" either, which found a lot of meaning in the evolving delivery of "the cold never bothered me anyway." The complaints could go on but at the end of the day, I can't really hate something that finds Aurora using kulning -- Scandinavian herding calls -- as a narrative tool. [5]

Tobi Tella: I was 13 when the first Frozen came out, and despite the fact that I probably should've been too old for Disney princess movies by the unspoken middle school social construct standards, I dragged my dad to see it in theaters. That probably should've been his first inkling that I was gay, and as clear as Disney's attempts to play on my emotions were as a shy insecure gay kid, the introverted, uncomfortable princess Elsa was the most accurate representation I had really found of myself in a kids movie. "Let It Go" was not only a cultural moment but a formative one and even though looking back as an adult I know that Frozen has flaws, I can't help but be empowered by it now. This song was set up to fail by its positioning it as "Let It Go II," and the seams of this one are far more clear; the chorus is literally just one phrase repeated and the lyrics are prime "leave nothing to the imagination or subtext and explain all your feelings." But I still feel an intense connection to this; maybe it's Menzel's strong and evocative vocal performance, maybe it's nostalgia, and maybe it's the feeling that even as a 19 year old my experience with my identity is not even close to over, the fact that there will always be unknowns which are horrifying yet intriguing (hello adult gay dating!). I'm not sure if this is a great song, or even a good one, but for a sequel with impossibly huge expectations it managed to evoke the same intense reaction that "Let It Go" did, so I guess Disney and their manipulations win this round. [7]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox]

[fanders-fic-awards]

Neuro Logical (SFC Submission)

Summary: Logan notices the ways he is different from the other sides and decides to figure out why. He struggles to deal with the aftermath.A/N: The specific website from the fic is not fictional. The web pages that are referenced can actually be found on the Autistic Self Advocacy Network website (and I do not own any of that material!)

Warnings: internalized ableism, sensory overload, dissociation

WC: 5000

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It started one night when Logan was conducting research for one of Thomas's videos. He was having trouble concentrating, his mind replaying a snide comment he'd received from Roman earlier that day. "You're like a robot whose programming was never finished. They forgot to add the feeling function." Logan had replied, as usual, that he was logic and not an emotion. But rather than letting it go, as he usually would, it stuck in his brain, coming around again and again to torment him.

Why did this particular comment bother him so much? It was hardly the first time Roman had poked fun at his stoic nature. He wasn't ashamed of his lack of emotions. After all, his function, the purpose of his existence, necessitated neutrality. Was it because of the situation that incited Roman's remark? Logan intention had not been to cause Patton distress, but that was the result. Virgil elected not to contribute to Roman’s commentary, but he had glared at Logan. Clearly, Logan had made a mistake, but he couldn't understand why his actions were reprehensible. And Roman's words suggested that the reason Logan didn't understand was because of his lack of emotion.

Logan watched the computer screen, the rhythmic blinking of the cursor in the search bar. He had always found this calming, that steady beat ready to receive an inquiry, the beat of knowledge yet to be collected. Yet, in a word processor, this blinking inspired in him anticipation. There were millions of possibilities for what could be created with that little blinking line, and each sentence, each word, each character brought the document closer and closer to clarification. It was thrilling.

For his current inquiry, he found it strangely difficult to choose words. Perhaps because this was a personal search, and any results could potentially reflect back on him? He pushed past this illogical insecurity, and decided to type in a more articulate version of Roman’s observation about him.

"Lack of emotional empathy" returned results about emotional disorders, from depression to bipolar. Logan dismissed these suggestions immediately. He was not a whole person with his own brain; therefore, he was incapable of having a disorder that did not affect Thomas. He decided to try a variation of his search. “Lack of emotional response" prompted mostly links to sites about flat affect. Once again, this seemed ridiculous to him, and he cleared the search bar. Perhaps he was going about this the wrong way. He was basing his search on Roman's observations of his behavior. What if he taylored his search to his own perspective? Patton's anguish flashed in his mind, along with Logan's own guilt for causing this reaction and simultaneous confusion about the reason behind it. He typed, "difficulty understanding social interaction."

On the first page of results was a page from an autism advocacy website. Once again, Logan was ready to dismiss this as a possibility since Thomas did not have Autism Spectrum Disorder. However, two things about the preview of the page caught his attention. The first was that the phrase the search engine had identified from the website was almost identical to the one he had typed. The second was that the top of the preview described autism as a neurological variation, rather than a disorder or a disability. This was enough to pique his curiosity, and he clicked on the link.

The page was an overview of autism and brief explanations of characteristics exhibited by autistic individuals. And Logan tried, he really tried not to relate the list to his own experiences, he tried not to see himself reflected in it. But he couldn't deny the similarities. And he decided to dig just a little bit deeper. He clicked on link after link, educating himself on termanology, advocacy debates, and common autistic traits. But what ultimately swayed him was an article on the original website he found arguing the semantics of how to refer to autistic individuals. The article itself was a fascinating review of the conflicting arguments about nuanced semantics and their significance, but what was significant to Logan was that it reshaped the way he understood autism itself. Specifically, the paragraph which described it as "an edifying and meaningful component of a person's identity [that] defines the ways in which an individual experiences and understands the world." That meant that autism wasn't just a pathology; it was part of a person's identity.

Logan sat back in his chair, contemplating everything he had read. His immediate reaction was still to deny that he could be autistic, as Thomas was not. But the idea of autism as an identity caused him to rethink this argument. Sure, Logan as an aspect of Thomas could not be individually diagnosed with autism. However, since the sides existed both as functions of Thomas and as characters, that didn't mean that it was impossible for the character of Logan, specifically his actions and the way he experienced the world, to be described as autistic. Afterall, many autistic traits overlapped with the archetype of the socially inept genius, which was how Thomas had characterized Logan. Furthermore, it would hardly be the first time that any of the sides, as characters, diverged from Thomas's identity. Somehow, Patton was a dad, Roman knew Spanish, and Virgil had a distinctly separate music taste, yet they all continued function as aspects of Thomas.

The more that Logan's mind considered this possibility, the less he could deny its viability. Logan made a mental list of dozens of questions to further research, but the most prevalent was this: how would he tell the others?

Experiment: To determine to what extent the subject (Logan (Logic) Sanders) is autistic

Procedure: Create a list of autistic traits, observe behaviors of the subject, and determine compatibility with self-diagnosis

Data: Special interests (desire to research facts on specific topics) - confirmed Info-dumping (regurgitation of facts, sometimes uncontrollably) - confirmed Lack of empathy/emotion - confirmed Limited understanding of social conventions - confirmed Hyperfocus - confirmed Easily overwhelmed - variable Lack of OR excessive eye contact - variable Reliance on routine - variable

Speaking in monotone - disregarded (opposite behavior observed) Limited ability to follow directions - disregarded (opposite behavior observed) Inhibited ability to communicate with others - disregarded (plethora of evidence to the contrary) Over OR under sensitivity to physical stimuli - disregarded (no physical body)

Self-stimulation/stimming (repetitive motions or verbalizations) as coping mechanism - TBD Experiencing meltdowns/shutdowns - TBD Experiencing burnout - TBD

Conclusion: Many behaviors exhibited by the subject align with autistic traits. These behaviors are also expressed at a more significant rate than non-autistic behaviors. Self-diagnosis is likely.

Further research: How much stress can the subject handle before reaching burnout, meltdown, and/or shutdown? Is self-stimulation (stimming) an effective coping mechanism for the subject? What implications does this have for Thomas and the other sides? How do I tell them?

No matter how much research Logan had conducted, there was still a lingering doubt that left him unable to definitively connect an autistic identity to himself. No, it had taken an observation-based research experiment on himself to convince Logan of the reality of this conclusion. Now, it was no longer doubt but denial that gripped Logan, as well as an uncertainty about how to proceed. Of the questions that he had posed to research further, all required more observational data, with the exception of the final one that Logan barely dared to consider.

What could be the outcome, were he to confront the others? His best prediction, given their familiarity with autism (or rather, lack thereof), was that their first impulse would be to discuss how to ‘fix’ him. Logan had read plenty of accounts of well-meaning but prejudiced relatives proposing solutions that caused autistic individuals unnecessary distress. Even if there was a cure for autism (and Logan had encountered plenty of evidence to the contrary), so many of the traits that characterized Logan’s autism were parts of himself that he considered vital to his identity. He didn’t want to be ‘fixed;’ the very concept would cause him to become a shadow of himself.

The sides had learned long ago that trying to keep secrets in the mindscape was futile, yet Logan didn’t see any other option. How could any of the side - or Thomas, for that matter - benefit from learning what he had discovered? No, the logical decision was to keep this to himself. Logan told himself that logic was his sole motivation, and that fear played no role in it. Not the fear that they would think less of him, or pity him, or cease to value his contributions. Of course fear played no role - it would be illogical to base decisions on fear.

So there it was then. He couldn’t face the others with this, not when he could barely face  it himself. Besides, he needed time to understand exactly how his autism manifested and whether he needed accommodations. He knew he would have to tell the others, eventually. But not now. For now, he would wait, and acquire more data. 

Over the next several weeks, not much changed. For everyone else. But Logan fell into a new kind of normal, one characterized by silent epiphanies and hidden shame.

There was the time Patton made an off-hand comment about space. Logan's mind lit up. A hundred facts about their solar system popped into his head, and he was ready to share them all. He could feel the words building in his chest, forming in his throat. But a detached part of his mind recognized this as 'info-dumping,' that it was an autistic behavior, and that the others wouldn't be as interested in what he had to say as he was in saying it. So he swallowed the facts and figures, saving the others from his vocal avalanche, saving himself from their glazed expressions and bored stares. Now that he understood what was happening, it was easier to stop himself. But to do so made his chest tight. There was the time Logan, in a bout of exposition, waved his hand, a meaningless gesture to accent his point. Without thinking, he waved it again. And again. Before he could wave it a fourth time, he realized what he was doing, clenched his fist, and consciously lowered his hand to his side. He didn't need to stim, didn't need that repetitive, comforting motion. The pit in his stomach was lying to him, he was fine.

There was the time Roman looked him directly in the eye during an argument. Logan noticed that his first instinct was to avert his gaze. Instead, he maintained the prince's eye contact, despite the fact that Roman's voice seemed to disappear, despite the fact that his own thought processes came to a sputtering halt. He was determined to stand his ground. He refused to let it win. Whether 'it' was Roman or the autism, he couldn't say.

There was the time that he caught himself rocking gently back and forth when he was sitting at his desk. No one was around to catch him, but he forced himself to still, ignoring the ache of suppressing his muscles.

Logan postulated that he could be shaping his own reality. The more aware he became of his autistic tendencies, the more prevalent they became, and the more he felt like he needed the coping mechanisms he had learned, the ones he refused to indulge. But he still endeavored to fight himself and hide all this effort from the others.

And he had succeeded - with Roman, who was oblivious under the best circumstances. But Logan didn't notice Patton's worried glances. He didn't notice Virgil tense around him and start avoiding him altogether. Even Thomas could see that Logan was unusually reserved. But none of them commented on the changes they witnessed, which gave Logan the impression that he was achieving his goal.

Logan had created an unsteady balance, and despite the toll it was taking on him, the chronic exhaustion settling into his form, he was certain that he could keep this up as long as necessary.

Until Thomas approached him with a project.

"I have an idea for my next video, but it's going to require a lot of research, and I need you to write all the arguments. You think you can handle that?"

No, Logan thought. He most certainly could not handle that in addition to keeping up the facade he was struggling to maintain. But he had no intention of explaining this to Thomas, so he agreed.

Alongside Thomas, Logan spent long sessions in front of the computer, gathering and organizing evidence. Logan's body and mind screamed at him to make Thomas take a break, but he ignored them. He would have been able to handle this work load before he learned about his autism, so why should it be any different now? They worked through meals and late into the night. Logan pushed through the ache in his tense shoulders and the cramps in his legs. And when he was alone, he was fine.

He paid the price of overworking himself when he was around the others. Virgil would ask him a question and his mind would go blank, as if refusing to process the information and form a response, leaving him no choice but to shrug and retreat to his room. He took Roman’s metaphors literally, only to feel embarrassed when the others corrected him. Patton made the mistake of hugging Logan without warning, and Logan's skin started screaming at him. He violently recoiled, and one look at the pain and confusion on Patton's face was enough to send Logan back to his room.

But nothing could prepare him for actually filming the video that he had worked so hard to prepare for.

The night before was a waking nightmare. With the approaching deadline and a half-formed script, Thomas refused to let himself rest. He pushed himself and Logan well beyond the point he knew was healthy. As the words started blurring on the screen, Logan rubbed his eyes and briefly considered telling Thomas that this was too much for him to handle. But he knew Thomas would want an explanation, and he imagined confessing to Thomas the thing he had kept hidden for so long. His eyes shot open and he forced himself to focus.

As morning light started creeping through the windows, Thomas finally put the finishing touches on the script, and relief flooded Logan. Thomas collapsed on his bed and managed several hours of sleep, but Logan's mind was working too fast to shut off. It jumped between topics seemingly at random, refusing to follow a single train of thought to its natural conclusion. This caused Logan distress, and he couldn't relax his body enough to gain unconsciousness himself. By the time Thomas woke up to the text saying that Joan and Talyn were on their way, Logan had gone without sleep or rest for about twenty-four hours, which was compounded by the exhaustion he was already experiencing from trying to keep a secret from the other sides.

Logan was spacey as they set up for the video. He thought he had a little bit of time to himself because they had to film Thomas, Patton, and Roman before they got to his part. He tried to take it easy. But Joan kept coming to Logan to clarify the unintelligible parts of the script, and Thomas needed his input on the lines, too. Logan tried to answer, but it felt like thinking through honey. The normally clear and concise thought processes were fuzzy and scattered. He was relieved when they moved from Thomas to Patton. Patton's lines were more improvised puns than logical arguments, so they would leave Logan alone for a bit.

Logan grabbed a copy of the script, but as he tried to review his lines, the printed words started swimming on the page. Letters switched places, and whole sentences became a jumbled mess. Great, Logan thought. So he was dyslexic now, too? Wonderful. He sighed, threw the script to the side, and closed his eyes.

The next thing he knew, Thomas was shaking him awake. The gentle contact sent pain shooting through Logan's arm, and he yanked away from Thomas's touch. He was informed that they had finished filming Roman, and it was now his turn. Logan blinked as his mind tried to put the spoken words in order and assign meaning to them, having to decipher them one at a time. It took several seconds, but the comprehension finally settled in. He nodded and took his place by the stairs.

He once again reviewed his first few lines from the script as Thomas and Joan set up the camera. Luckily, the bit of sleep he'd managed to obtain took some of the fuzziness out of his thoughts, and the words were staying in place now. But he still felt an overwhelming exhaustion all the way to his core.

Just this video, he thought. He just had to push through this video, and then he could rest.

However, Thomas chose that moment to turn on the lights and position them on Logan's face.

Sensory overload was an experience that Logan had read about but couldn't imagine experiencing himself. Afterall, he had no physical body, so he wasn't able to perceive physical sensations to such an intense degree. At least, that was his theory. It was disproven as soon as Logan tried to function with those lights in his eyes.

Logically, he knew that they were necessary. Lighting was essential for video quality. They used the lights for all of Thomas's videos, on all of Thomas's sides, including Logan. But with his current state of stress, having the light in his face was like looking directly into the sun.

And that was the breaking point.

He was aware of every sensation on his skin: The glasses on his face, the constraint of his tie, the scratch of the tag in his shirt, the belt on his hips, the restriction of his shoes. He could hear each sound distinctly: The refrigerator in the kitchen, Talyn's shoes as they walked, Joan and Thomas's voices. And he handled all these sensations about as well as nails on a chalkboard. All the while, beams of light shot directly through his eyes and into his brain.

And just as quickly as it had begun, it stopped.

Everything. Stopped.

Nothing around him had changed, but everything was suddenly distant. The sounds were muffled. He couldn't focus his vision. There was a dark numbness settling over his entire body, like he was detached from it, like it was separate from him. But there was no relief in the sudden purge of sensation. He felt like he was trapped in his own brain, aware of everything that was happening but unable to participate in it. He had considered himself emotionless before, but he had never experienced true absence of emotion until this moment, and had he been able to feel, he would have been terrified. His body wouldn't even grace him with unconsciousness. He was there, but he wasn't.

A single word flashed in his mind: shutdown.

He could see the others talking to him, trying to get his attention, to get a reaction from him, but all he could do was watch, helpless. He screamed silently at them to turn the damn light off, to get him to a quiet place, and then to leave him so he could rock back and forth and flap his hands without an audience.

Thankfully, Talyn seemed to have at least some understanding of what was happening. Their voice cut through the fog.

"Logan, I'm going to turn the light off," they informed him in a calm, steady voice.

Good. For the love of Edison, make it happen.

The light disappeared, and Logan regained some awareness of his body. He took a deep breath, but engaging his diaphragm only caused him to start hyperventilating.

"Logan, I'm going to grab your arm and lead you over to the couch."

No, please don't.

Their delicate touch was painful, but at least Logan was prepared for it. As they pulled, his legs responded to keep him upright, and after a few paces, they gently nudged him backward. He was sitting down, the couch cushion pressing into his legs. It was unpleasant but grounding. His breathing slowed.

"Logan, I'm going to take your tie and your glasses off. Stay with me."

Logan's pride took a hit, but he felt the tiniest degree of relief with the restricting accessories stripped away.

"It's not enough. Joan, turn off the lights."

As the apartment went dark around him, the only light coming from the setting sun peaking through the cracks in the blinds, Logan blinked rapidly. He returned to himself.

He gasped, started breathing deeply as the oppressive numbness started to fade from his body and his mind. As the world came back into focus, he slowly clenched and unclenched his fists, just to feel attached to his body again. His eyes adjusted to the semi-darkness, and he made out six forms: three humans, and three sides.

"Logan?" Patton breathed.

But Talyn was still in control of the situation. "It's okay, Logan, just take deep breaths."

Logan was grateful for the dark as he felt warmth rushing to his cheeks. He was supremely embarrassed by his - episode. He didn't want to face anyone right now. He started to sink down.

"Logan!" Several voices called as they realized what was happening.

"Wait, let him go," Talyn said.

Logan barely registered his room as he collapsed on the bed, finally embraced by a deep and meaningful slumber.

Logan came back to the world slowly. The memories of the previous day were right there to greet him into consciousness. He groaned. So much for keeping a secret. He had completely self destructed right in front of everyone. He silently thanked any higher power that may exist that Talyn had been able to help him out of his shutdown.

He felt a familiar tug in his chest. He was being summoned. Not actively; no one would force him to rise against his will. But there was definitely a persistent pressure, as if one of them was saying, when you're ready, we need to talk. Logan got up, changed, and let himself be pulled into the physical world. He appeared in his familiar space by the stairs. Thomas and the sides were on the couch. Logan crossed his arms and looked down at the ground.

"Logan!" Patton yelled. Logan was pleasantly surprised that noises and lights were no longer as harsh as they had been earlier.

"Patton, no!" Virgil said.

Logan looked up to see that Patton was already halfway to him, arms outstretched. “Right. Talyn said no touching.” His face fell with his arms as he turned back to the couch, visibly deflated. A pang of guilt filled Logan's chest. It seemed he could do nothing but hurt Patton, lately.

"I suppose you're hoping for an explanation," Logan began.

"Wow, give the nerd a medal. Takes real brains to figure that one out."

"Roman," Thomas scolded. "Look, you don't have to justify your panic attack. I could tell I was overworking you, but I pushed you anyway. I'm sorry, Logan." Logan's guilt expanded. Here he was, keeping secrets and lying, and Thomas was apologizing to him? And despite how awful he felt about it, he was still inclined to continue. After all, it was only logical-

He stopped his train of thought at that word. Logical. He'd been using it to justify his actions for weeks. But was lying really the logical course of action? Wouldn't it be more logical to admit that the reason he wanted to lie was because he was afraid of the truth? Afraid of how the sides would react. Afraid of how everything would change. Afraid of his own need for assistance, his own otherness. It was never logical to act out of fear. But the solution was not to deny that the fear existed. The logical course of action was to be honest, to face the truth and take responsibility for it.

"I appreciate your apology, Thomas, but I should be the one to apologize." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and opened them, facing the others with open vulnerability. "What you witnessed was not a panic attack. It was a shutdown."

He registered their confusion at the unfamiliar word. He wanted nothing more than to correct it. He could feel the words building in his chest, ready to spill out. To info-dump. His chest tightened at his impulse to hold them back. But instead, for the first time in so long, he released them.

"I've been lying to you. Several weeks ago, I started researching the possibility that I might be autistic, and I've come to the conclusion that this is indeed the case. I've taken extensive notes, and if you need proof I can show them to you. What happened earlier, what you witnessed, is known as a shutdown. It happens when an autistic person reaches the limit of the amount of stress they can endure. Just as the term suggests, their body shuts down. My body shut down, becoming unresponsive to external stimuli, as you observed. Talyn responded as if I was having a panic attack, and even though the problem was misdiagnosed, it did help to ground me and bring me out of it. I apologize for letting it get to that point, and for not informing you earlier that I needed a break."

The others sat in silence, absorbing the information that Logan had presented. The longer the silence drew out, the more nervous Logan became. "I'm sure you have questions. I'd be happy to answer them." In fact, he wanted nothing more than to work through this as a group.

Roman was the first to respond. "Just because you're a nerd who needs flash cards for slang words doesn't mean you're disabled. Why do you think you have autism?"

"Roman," Thomas scolded again.

"Semantically, it's preferable to use the adjective 'autistic.’ The phrase 'has autism' implies that the autism is separate from the person, which is not the case. Autism is not a disease. It's a neurological variation that affects a person's entire identity. I do not 'have autism,' I am 'autistic.' But to answer your question, my behavior and personality reflect traits that are common in autistic individuals. And I have observed that autistic coping mechanisms are effective for me."

"Do you think - I mean, should I get tested for autism?" Thomas asked.

"To the best of my knowledge, these traits are unique to me as a character and do not affect your functioning." Thomas nodded, and Logan notice him relax.

"Is that why you've been so distant lately?" Patton asked timidly.

"Yes. I seem to have an increased sensitivity to touch, brightness, and sound, which is exasperated when I am tired or stressed. Whether this has recently developed as a result of my awareness, or is a response that has always existed in me that I am just now becoming aware of, I cannot say. Either way, it's best to ask my permission before engaging in physical contact of any kind." Patton smiled sadly and nodded.

"Why didn't you tell us before?" Virgil asked.

Logan sighed. "I fooled myself into believing that hiding it was the best course of action for everyone. I did not anticipate how strenuous it would be to act neurotypical - which is a term used to describe non-autistic individuals. And - I was scared. Of how you all would react. I didn't want anything to change." Logan recalled the last few weeks, how difficult it was for him to keep up the act. He let himself imagine how much easier it could have been if he had been honest from the start, and he was overcome with the desire to live that reality, to be able to freely express the parts of himself he was ashamed of. "But, in the spirit of full honesty," his voice was shaking, but he pressed on, "I need things to change. I cannot keep going at this pace without actively engaging in autistic coping mechanisms." Despair at this confession made his throat tight and he choked back tears. "I'm trying all the time, but it's just too hard." He chest heaved as he breathed in, and a single tear slipped down his cheek.

"Logan," Patton asked gently. "Can I hug you?"

Logan nodded as he started to sob.

Patton approached Logan like he was a timid animal that might dart away if he moved too fast (which wasn't out of the question). With exaggerated tenderness, Patton wrapped his arms around Logan and pulled him into his chest. Logan removed his glasses and let himself cry into Patton's shoulder. For the first time in a long time, the touch felt pleasant, and he didn't want to let go. After several minutes, Logan calmed down enough to pull away from Patton, wiping his eyes. "I apologize for my emotional outburst."

"You don't have to do that, Logan." Thomas said. "You're allowed to feel things."

"I prefer not to," Logan admitted.

"Honestly," Thomas began, "I don't know much about autism or what you need, but I want to learn, if you're willing to teach me. I don't want you to suffer, and I definitely don't want any of us to be the cause of your suffering." Thomas sighed. "I know what it's like to feel like you have to hide who you are, and I'm sorry we made you feel that way in your own home. Going forward, just focus on being yourself, let us know what you need, and we'll catch up. Deal?"

Logan surveyed each of the identical faces. They all reflected agreement with Thomas. He nodded in response to Thomas's sentiment. Logan had a lot to work through. But he felt stronger knowing he had the support of his family.

by @sandersspins

[mst3kproject]

Attack of the Puppet People

This is the other movie Bert I. Gordon namedropped in Earth vs the Spider.  The screenplay was by John Worthing Yates, a guy who has a name that sounds like a Byronic poet but mostly wrote giant bug movies.  It stars June Kenney from that movie and Bloodlust!, John Hoyt from Lost Continent and The Time Travellers, and yep, John Agar.  The title is pretty much a lie, too – unless it refers to Agar tearing the head off a marionette.

Dolls Incorporated is a small toy company in Los Angeles.  The owner, Mr. Franz, needs a new secretary and hires Sally Reynolds, who is fresh out of college and has no family – an interesting choice, especially when we discover his previous secretary has vanished without a trace.  Sally soon notices that Mr. Franz has a weird habit of treating his dolls like real people, and comes to worry about his mental health.  When a salesman, Bob Wesley, asks her to marry him she is more than happy to leave the unnerving Mr. Franz behind, but Mr. Franz does not intend to let her.  With some technobabble and a contraption made out of photography equipment, he shrinks both Bob and Sally down to Barbie size to join his collection of human dolls! Somehow they must make their way back up to his office in order to un-shrink themselves, but it’s a very long way when you’re only a foot tall.

(The point of including clips from The Amazing Colossal Man, by the way, appears to have been a ham-fisted bit of foreshadowing with the line I’m not growing – you’re shrinking!  Which… okay, sure, if that made everybody feel better about the shameless self-promotion.)

The movie was made very quickly in order to capitalize on The Incredible Shrinking Man and I have to say, it puts significant effort into not being merely a ripoff. It’s not nearly as ambitious as its model in terms of special effects, but it has much more plot, being an actual story rather than a psychological study, although it does some of that, too.  I suspect that this was an idea that either Gordon or Yates had sitting around anyway and they welcomed the excuse to put it into production.

In terms of its story, this is actually one of Bert I. Gordon’s better efforts.  Like The Amazing Colossal Man, it tries to explore character a little rather than just being a monster rampage, and the character it’s interested in is Mr. Franz’.  He’s a deeply lonely man who feels everybody he cares about abandons him – starting with his wife, who ran off with a boyfriend long ago – and therefore goes to great lengths to keep them.  This obsession has grown worse and worse, until now people he’s only known a few weeks are subject to his captivity.  When he believes the police are on to him, he decides to commit suicide and take all his prisoners with him, because even in death he cannot bear to leave them behind.

The movie does occasionally waste our time, as in the sequence where one of the human dolls is commanded to sing, but not very often. Things like the tiny cat, or Sally’s efforts to go to the police, seem like sidelines but later turn out to be quite important.  My favourite part is when Franz is forced to leave his little people unsupervised when a friend drops in on him with a lengthy story to tell – he knows he can’t leave them alone for too long but he also doesn’t want to be rude to his buddy, so he keeps trying to make excuses and things get more and more awkward.  I’m pretty sure any introvert can identify with the situation, even those of us who are not mad scientists.

Attack of the Puppet People also has some of the better effects shots I’ve ever seen in Bert I. Gordon.  The dolls in their cases are nothing but paper cut-outs, always carefully held face-on to the camera in an attempt to preserve the illusion, and there are very visible seams around a miniature cat in Franz’ hands, but the images of tiny people interacting with oversized objects are actually pretty good.  There’s one of tiny Sally on a desk, with a telephone in front of her and Mr. Franz leaning in to talk to her, that’s almost seamless – the only place the illusion breaks is that he’s not quite actually looking at her. Quite a few of the oversized objects, like the telephone or coffee tin one woman uses as a bathtub, must have been specially made for the movie, and they’re detailed and convincing. The best is the oversize puppet the characters have to interact with. It really does look like something small, magnified.

The performances in the movie, on the other hand, are some of the worst I’ve seen even in a Bert I. Gordon film.  Everybody picks one note and sticks to it.  John Hoyt had been in Julius Caesar (although he’d also been in The Conqueror) and would go on to be in Spartacus (and Flesh Gordon), but here he just gives us the exact same Valium-laced smile throughout the whole movie.  Sometimes it’s creepy, lending credence to Sally’s early suspicion that Franz is a serial killer, but mostly it’s just annoying.  The long scene of technobabble while he explains how his shrinking machine works is insufferable.  June Kenney gives her usually slightly over-wrought reads that sound like a high school’s production of Shakespeare.

Then of course there’s John Agar.  His character is written as kind of a jerk, but in ways that were probably acceptable for white men in the 50’s.  His physical performance, on the other hand, makes you want to see Sally kick him repeatedly in the nuts.  He looms over her, follows a foot behind her when she is clearly uncomfortable with this, and touches her when she does not want to be touched.  Nowadays all this would earn him a restraining order but in this old movie it’s apparently supposed to be romantic.  Then there’s the way he laughs at her when she confesses that she’s slightly afraid of Mr. Franz.  How the hell did he ever persuade her to go out with him, let alone marry him?  And who fucking proposes in the middle of The Amazing Colossal Man?!

When Sally believes Bob has run off on her, she protests to Mr. Franz, “Bob wouldn’t treat me this way if he could help it!”  The audience just rolls their eyes, because they’ve already seen Bob treat her far worse.  We’ll see him do worse again, too, when he persuades Sally to abandon the others at the theatre even though they know that Franz will kill them if he finds them.

Besides Mr. Franz’ pathological fear of losing people close to him, the other place the movie goes in exploring its characters psychology is a form of Stockholm Syndrome.  When Bob and Sally meet the other ‘dolls’, they discover that their fellow prisoners have resigned themselves to their fate.  Mr. Franz mostly keeps them in jars and occasionally lets them out to party, and they’ve decided to look at it as if they’re on a sort of permanent vacation, just enjoying the party without worrying about things they don’t believe they can change.  The only rebellion apparent is the teenage girl, Lori, refusing to sing on command – and she changes her mind in a hurry when Franz threatens to put her back in her bottle.

They aren’t totally brainwashed, though.  When a chance to escape presents itself, they all pitch in to help.  The moral of the story, insofar as it seems to have one, is that freedom is better than slavery even when the slaves are well-treated and have everything taken care of for them.  The little people don’t need to work, they don’t need to pay taxes, and Mr. Franz sees to all their needs, but they are still prisoners.  Real life may be difficult and full of worries and responsibilities, but it’s better than being kept in a box!

Bert I. Gordon never used women as heroes, in the sense of actually doing anything to save the day, but it’s kind of interesting how frequently he used them as point-of-view characters.  Sally in Attack of the Puppet People joins Audrey Aimes in Beginning of the End and Joyce Manning in War of the Colossal Beast as a female lead through whose eyes we’re watching all this happen.  Male characters may be more active and heroic, but they are secondary in terms of screen time and audience identification.  I wonder if this were something intentional or not, and either way, what it might reveal about his storytelling.

Is it feminist?  I don’t think so.  In many of Gordon’s films, the characters feel helpless in the face of more powerful forces: the grasshoppers of Beginning of the End overrun the military easily, Joyce and her problem are handed around like a hot potato by people who don’t care, and even Glenn Manning is a powerless victim of his own growth.  Perhaps the choice of a passively watching woman rather than an actively heroic man as the main character is supposed to add to this.  Audrey Aimes might be the best example, in that her job, as a reporter, is to observe and record, rather than to intervene.  Consider The Magic Sword, in which Princess Helene watches her own rescue attempts in the magic mirror, while Sir George’s transition to manhood is represented by him leaving mere watching behind and actually getting involved in the events he has observed.  Or Necromancy, in which Lori Brandon is left watching herself in Mr. Cato’s thrall.  Heck with Manos, I could write a thesis on this.

If I had to pick a Stinger Moment for this movie, it would be the tiny people gathered around a huge telephone while Bob exclaims, “the police!  Does anyone know the number?”  At the time this wouldn’t have been a joke at all – 911 came into wide use only in the early 1960’s, but from a modern viewer it earns a snicker, and it would definitely have been funny in the UK, where 999 had been around since the 30’s. There’s your random fact for the day.

[mylordshesacactus]

Have you ever thought about the idea of Qui-Gon training Barriss? I feel like she'd have been a lot happier with him. He's so chill.

Because of…who we are as people…me and @alexkablob have had long discussions about how different Masters and their approaches might have affected Barriss.

The tl;dr here is that the best I can say is Qui-Gon wouldn’t be the worst option.

This is gonna get long, I apologize. You prompted me about Jedi apprenticeship AND the flaws of the Code in allowing Masters and Padawans to communicate effectively AND Barriss and Luminara’s specific relationship, anon, you asked for this.

So the central Thing here is Barriss Offee as a person. She’s extremely anxious, eager to please to the point where it becomes pathological, quiet, responsible, whip-smart, a healer, and she absolutely cannot improvise; if she has a plan she’ll execute it, but she cannot plan on the fly under pressure, this is consistent.

Keeping these things in mind:

Luminara is, frankly, the perfect match for her. They have a similar, methodical approach; Luminara is a strategic analyst for the Republic, and her skill for putting together strong, well-thought-out plans is perfectly in sync with Barriss’ own preference for advance planning and anxiety about winging it. Being paired with her allows Barriss to have the intellectual challenges she needs and the ability to pursue her talents; Luminara has total faith in Barriss’ proven abilities and doesn’t hesitate to provide her with praise for those abilities and opportunities to use them. She’s also a calm, gentle, soft-spoken individual with a profoundly reassuring aura who demonstrates throughout her (few) appearances that she greatly values the lives of those under her command. She has a sense of humor that’s very present without being loud or jocular in a way that would make Barriss uncomfortable (ie, Anakin) and she has the emotional intelligence to tease Barriss only very gently, never touching her insecurities, and to nudge her into making friends.

Now, some of these things inadvertently worsen Barriss’ issues. That confident “she can do it” attitude ends up placing far too much pressure on her; Luminara’s very competence and grace end up fermenting into Barriss’ feelings of inadequacy and desperation to not disappoint her master. But that’s….almost entirely because of the war. It’s the nature of the assignments, not their difficulty, that breaks her; and in a time of peace, with more access to her master and time to process, I think they would have been lessened.

Their downfall as a master-apprentice pair wasn’t that Barriss had the wrong Master. Luminara’s own issues, namely her devotion to the Code and her own pathological fear of giving into attachment, were what tripped them up. She loves Barriss so much but is so focused on not giving in to those emotions that she rarely if ever allows herself to act on them at all, even when she should–with the result that she keeps Barriss at arm’s length and they’re too formal with each other. She’s so afraid of becoming too close that she doesn’t let herself get close enough to notice that anything’s wrong, or to make sure Barriss realizes how deeply she’s loved–and on top of that, once the war starts Barriss and Luminara are almost never together. She’s separated from her Master when she needs her most, and that was the nail in the coffin.

Basically: Luminara didn’t give her those issues. And for the most part, when they were actually able to work together as master and apprentice, Luminara mitigated a lot of Barriss’ flaws while encouraging her strengths. The war found the pressure points in their bond and pushed until they snapped, but it would do that with ANY pairing.

So if anyone hasn’t already scrolled past this long rambling bit of nonsense, under the cut please enjoy a bullet-point list of our thoughts on how Barriss would fare under different Masters. 

Anakin:

Disaster.

Just….pure, unmitigated disaster. If they didn’t drive each other into a murderous rage they’d just dissolve into mutual anxiety attacks

He’s too impulsive and careless, she’s too hesitant and not nearly bold enough, he’s emotive and incapable of controlling his temper to the point he would genuinely scare her

They already don’t get along particularly well, there’s a reason Barriss is so spiteful toward him in TWJ; force her into a position where he has boundless authority over her and one of them is getting smothered to death in his sleep.

I say “he” because it would 100% be Anakin

Obi-Wan:

On the surface, this seems like it would be a much better match, maybe even ideal.

It is not

It is not remotely a good match

Here’s the thing people misunderstand all the time about Obi-Wan’s character: he and Anakin are very similar.

Obi-Wan is just as much of a cowboy Jedi as Anakin ever was; he’s impulsive, easily goaded, and frequently hypocritical about the Jedi Code, and he has all of Luminara’s flaws on top of that.

So now you have a version of Barriss whose master is equally unwilling to acknowledge his own emotions and equally incapable of showing or admitting to his padawan that he cares about her, but also is unpredictable, too controlling, swings between overprotective and seemingly uncaring, cares too much about what the Council will think of him, rarely if ever explains why he gives certain commands or thinks certain things, and occasionally loses his temper.

Above anything else, at least with Luminara, Barriss never has any uncertainty as to where she stands or what is expected of her.

Obi-Wan attempting to train Barriss would be better for exactly one person and that is Obi-Wan.

Plo Koon:

Not gonna lie, Barriss could do worse

Like, they’re not a good match, exactly? They have basically nothing in common. But I don’t think he’d do more harm than good.

Unfortunately “better than Anakin Skywalker” does not a training bond make.

Like Luminara, he has that steady and soothing presence that makes your heart rate settle just from being near him. He’s calm, he’s quiet, he’s deliberate. He values the lives of those around him. He’s firm but fair, and not so married to the Code that he lets it stop him from being kind.

In some ways, Plo would be very good for her. He is certainly not afraid of his own emotions; he’s very much from the “emotion, yet peace” school of Jedi philosophy, and we see him several times calmly, verbally assuring people he cares about of that care. That would do a world of good for Barriss’ inferiority complex. 

A model of “I can feel these things without that meaning I am doomed to fall, because feelings and actions are not the same thing, and I can control how I act” could also do a lot of good…in peacetime. 

In war, I think that model would fail as surely as Luminara’s attempts to do the same thing. We know she subscribes to this same philosophy, and the fact is that there was a war on and Barriss was as good as a Knight and the best model in the galaxy is no good if he’s not there. 

And ultimately, in a lot of other ways, Plo Koon would be a terrible match for Barriss. He’s…too much of a “take a deep breath and take your time” mentor, for someone like her who learns quickly and thoroughly and needs mental challenges and puzzles.

She’s also still a strategist and advance planner, and Plo is a mechanic and a fighter pilot. He’d either be too “don’t think just act, improvise, split-second decisions” or she would chafe and get frustrated, and frankly be bored to tears, with Plo’s slow and steady approach. Either too intense or not intense enough; they’re a bad combination, though I do think they’d get along very well as colleagues and friends. Just not an apprenticeship.

Like honestly the main issue here is that he’s too similar to Luminara in the ways that would let him function well with Barriss and she has a lot more of those qualities than he does.

Aayla Secura:

I mean…I guess?

Aayla’s a bit of a random choice I just like her. I really don’t think they’d get along well at all.

Barriss would certainly get the mental exercise she needs with Aayla, there’d be supply challenges and tactical lessons, and those clearly-worded expectations would be there as another positive, but…

Aayla’s a good Jedi, a good leader, she’d have made an excellent Master

Just not to Barriss Offee.

She’s a little too brisk, a little too hard around the edges. In short, a little too much of a soldier and a little too close to the “okay now get over it” school of Jedi philsophy to work well with someone as insecure and anxious as Barriss.

Shaak Ti:

Look, let’s be frank here. Luminara is Barriss’ master because she’s meant to be, it’s a universal constant. Anything else is just wrong.

But if Barriss were to have a different Master, my vote would be Shaak Ti.

Again, this is because in a lot of ways she’s similar to Luminara, and there’s a REASON Barriss is Luminara Unduli’s padawan.

Shaak Ti is soft-spoken and kind. Reassuring. She speaks calmly, doesn’t raise her voice except to be heard from a distance, protects and cares for those beneath her.

She’s gentle but firm when necessary; but also more focused on the spirit of the law than the letter. She’s reasonable. She knows when and how to bend rules in the interest of doing the right thing.

She’s a little more centered and self-accepting than Luminara; she trusts her instincts as well as her judgement, rather than desperately suppressing her emotions. She doesn’t let the people around her get away with hiding their thoughts, either.

She listens, and she thinks before she speaks or acts. That would be good, for Barriss Offee The Obsessive Planner.

But again, this isn’t an ideal pairing. While I’m sure Shaak Ti would find and encourage ways for Barriss to learn and grow–and apprenticing under a Council member often stationed on Kamino would be a fantastic opportunity to solve and learn logistics and interpersonal problems, and a great chance to train as a healer properly–I think she might be a little too centered.

Barriss’ insecurities aren’t going away. Her mind works quickly, she overthinks, she doubts. While Shaak Ti is a phenomenal listener, she’s also…imposing, even more than Luminara, and she doesn’t have as easy a sense of humor. She’s very regal, very focused.

A model that encourages Barriss to be more serious, to spend even more time inside her own head, is the last thing she needs.

Qui-Gon:

Literally the only thing you asked, anon, I’m deeply sorry.

I’m also sorry to say this but I think Qui-Gon Jinn would be a TERRIBLE master for Barriss “made of insecurities” Offee

Qui-Gon Jinn has the least chill of anyone in the galaxy.

Qui-Gon is, in fact, the kind of guy who drags a nine-year-old slave from Tatooine to a desert world, plops him in front of the Jedi Council, and openly says "this is the Chosen One, he will save us all, his name’s Anakin by the way.”

Barriss feels crushing pressure to be Good Enough To Meet Her Master’s Expectations when her master is Luminara and the expectations are “fulfill this specific mission with minimal casualties and come home alive”. She does not need Qui-Gon Jinn in her life.

I don’t think his...near-dismissal of people around him worrying over the future, would be good for Barriss either? Like sure, on the one hand, someone gently telling her to focus on the present and embrace the Living Force is good. But Luminara did actually teach her how to meditate, and the problem here is that Barriss’ concerns are valid. 

There is a point at which “trust in the Force, a solution will present itself” is no longer acceptable advice, and that point is probably somewhere around Umbara.

In fact, far from his chill, the only argument I can think of in favor of pairing him with Barriss is his willingness to challenge the Council. Showing her that the Council can be wrong, and that she can disagree with authority without being a Sith? That could have been incredibly valuable.

However that only works if she otherwise feels connected to him, and I don’t...think she would. Qui-Gon is kind of incredibly insensitive for someone who constantly talks about being mindful of the present; the arrogance and detachment of the Jedi is kind of a major theme of TPM. I think her timidity would frustrate him more than inspire him to compassion, and I very much think his advice about her anxieties and insecurities would be that old Jedi mainstay “well stop being anxious” ie, You Must Trust In The Force.

Ultimately I really do think that Luminara is the best option for Barriss. That’s part of what makes the failure of their bond so tragic.