#but i can also be normal about some things i promise 😘

[kelin-is-writing]

Was about to go in my drafts to keep writing, BUT THEN I REALIZED THAT I’VE REACHED 1k FOLLOWERS??? LITERALLY WHEN??? 😭

I’m so lost I swear… You guys thank you so much???? I am truly so grateful, more than the followers I’m grateful for the love and support you guys to this day keep giving me and what I write, I didn’t really expect I would go this far with this blog since I’ve just been well… Busy being horny over Dabi, losing my shit over Dabi, fangirling over Dabi… Fantasizing about Dabi… Just… 👹 Dabi 👹

ANYWAYS!!! Thank you everyone, I sincerely love you lots and I’ll do my best to bring you all content about Dabi that will make you all lose your shit, want to tear your hair off and make you want to scream into the void 😚💜

[ladylooch]

What if you’re recently going out with Nico and you can’t go to the game but you have plans to go out to eat after? But after the defeat he is feeling sad and tired and cancels, and you feel bad for him so decide to get him takeout from his favorite place ♥️. Once you get to his house he is just sad looking at replays of the game so you cheer him up! (You can do whatever it can be fluffy and cute or hot l) love your writing!! 🥰🥰

A/N: Okay Nico girlies, it’s time to heal. 🙏🏻

You’re five minutes into the third period of the Devils game when it dawns on you that you have not heard Nico’s name in quite sometime. Your eyebrows lower as you pause from wolfing down popcorn and M&Ms - your guilty pleasure snack. Tonight, you are trying to hold off your hunger long enough to meet Nico for a late-night snack. Eating at 11:00pm isn’t your normal dinner procedure, but for Nico Hischier you’ll make any exception. Curiously, your head tilts to the side while you grab your phone, scrolling through Twitter, looking for an explanation. 

“Nico Hischier is missing from the #NJDevils bench.” 

Ten or so more tweets follow that one. You bite your lip. The Islanders pressure on him has been intense since puck drop. You hope he is okay, but resist the urge to reach out to him. He will when he is ready. 

At least you think so.

Things with Nico are new. You aren’t sure what to expect from him tonight.

You watch the rest of the game, curled up under your weighted blanket, hoping it will relieve some of the anxiety you feel pressing into your lungs. Breathing is laborious as your airway tightens. Tingles of uncertainty practically numb your fingers by the end of the game. 

A little ping brightens your dark living room to your left. You grab your phone, seeing Captain Nico 😈 pop up with a text (his doing, not yours). 

Hi 😘 I’m so sorry to do this, but I have to take a rain check for tonight. Doctor’s orders are to sit on the couch and not move until I leave for practice tomorrow. I am so sorry. I promise I will make this up to you. I was really looking forward to seeing you tonight. I’m sending you some pizza through DoorDash. 

A lump forms in your throat from both the frustration of not getting to see him, but also the sadness for him being less than 100%. 

It’s okay! I completely understand. Your payment of DoorDash Pizza will be enough for now 🤪 You’re so sweet and do not have to do that. I’ve had enough popcorn and M&Ms for the two of us! But, I hope you are okay. I am here if you need anything.

You sigh, tossing your phone back onto the couch and leaning down to scream into the fabric. Fuck. You wanted to end the night falling asleep in his arms again. He has this way of calming the entire world with his touch. You needed that after a stressful week at work. Now, you’ll be tossing and turning all night, worrying about him.

Now, I’m definitely getting you pizza. No girl dinner for my girl. I am bummed, babe. Trust me. Wanted to get my hands on you. It’s been a long week.

An idea pops into your head, but first, you’ll need to wait for that pizza.

The pizza is still warm in your hands when you walk towards Nico’s apartment door. Thank god for the nightly activity in Hoboken, so you could easily piggy back into the main entrance. Plus, who looks scary with pizza in their hands? No one.

Your boots scuff at the floor beneath your feet until you get to Nico’s door.

“Hey did someone here order grabby hands and pizza?” You call out after a soft knock. You chuckle at the movement you hear beyond the door.

“I did.” He chuckles as he opens the door. Your body relaxes when you see his dimpled smile. He is definitely happy to see you. He’s wearing a backwards hat and comfy, Devils sweats. He looks okay, but his right shoulder seems to have extra padding around it. You tentatively reach for it, feeling the coolness. “Ice.” He winces slightly when he tries to shrug.

“Back on the couch, cap.” You insist. 

“Can I have a kiss first?” He asks, puckering his lips. You lean up, going slightly on your tip toes to connect your faces. Your eyes close as Nico gives soft, gentle pecks that awaken your body. Pink dusts your cheeks as a soft moan escapes his mouth. “I’m afraid the hands will have to wait. I look better than I actually feel.” He tenderly adjusts the ice on his shoulder. You frown deeply, staring at his hand there. 

“Are you… going to be okay?” You finish hesitantly. You aren’t sure if he will tell you, or if you really even want to know. But you’re a little scared and more information would be better than being in the dark.

“It’s too swollen and sore to know the extent of what’s going on.” Nico says. “Could be a sprain, could be a tear.” You nod, then bring your eyes back to his.

“Whatever it is we will work through it together.”

“I’m so glad you are here.” He murmurs, reaching to caress your face. His thumb strokes your cheek in soft swipes that have your heart growing in your chest. “I bet if we each have like five slices of that pizza and fall asleep together, I’ll be better tomorrow.”

“I stay the night one time and now you’re so presumptuous Mr. Hischier.”

“I can’t help myself. You’re a great cuddler. I’ll beg if I have to.” There are his dimples again, just for you.

“And here I thought I was going to have to beg you.” You chuckle, poking his stomach then walking towards his kitchen. “Can I get you anything?” You ask him.

“No.” He murmurs back, looking lost in thought as he scans your face. “Have I said how much I love having you here?”

“Literally two seconds ago.”

“Okay, well, that was too long ago. I love having you here. A lot. I usually have to go through these moments alone and not having to do that tonight is nice.” You nod because you understand how comforting it is to have someone take care of you too.

“I love being here, Neeks. Now put your butt back on the couch. I’ll bring you pizza when its warm again.”

[madamesinsalot]

What if...

Sun had the virus and completely embraces it and the effects it causes for the sole purpose to win you as his no matter the cost? The kicker? No one but a close coworker is aware of this.

I made a short snippet of the event taking place if you wanna read a little. Please enjoy!

You have an older relative, an uncle, who’s known to be working at the Mega Pizzaplex for years as a janitor. He hears that you just applied and got accepted to work at the same place as him. Though he gives congratulations, he also decisively advises you to be wary of the establishment, and promises to look after you. Confused, you take his words with little regard and start working soon after.

Having gained some experience as time passes, you end up visiting the Daycare more frequently, something your uncle immediately notices. To his fear, you’ve gained an amicable attachment to the Attendant. At times, the animatronic seems innocent without worry. Then there was it’s counterpart which watches over the children they’re putting to sleep making you gradually endear to them. What your uncle has come to realize long since working there, were the bot’s drastic secrets of murder and violent outbursts. Particularly Sun’s.

While it’s well known amongst the employees of the Pizza Plex that many strange things happen under the company and most troubling incidents get swept under the rug shortly after they happen, there was little to no similar situations reported about the Daycare Attendant. Having been in the right place at the worst time due to his occupation, Your uncle encountered the automation’s unspeakable acts many times despite his previous motivations, complaints, and numerous reports to shut it down. Though he survives their encounters by miraculous odds, he’s had a grudge with that bot ever since and vise versa. Sun and Moon normally never take too kindly to strangers they meet outside of their territory, hence why most of their victims end up in unfortunate situations before the bot quickly covers their tracks. Way before your Uncle can obtain proper evidence.

Which is why it greatly concerned the anxious man when you continued speaking with the DA unscathed after all this time you’ve been working there. He ends up eavesdropping nearby your department for your safety and quickly discovers the animatronic’s true intentions with you. They were completely obsessed with you at an unhinged, volatile state. They secretively push other people out of their way with smooth unseen tactics if the individuals in question hurt their chances at gaining your favor, your attention, and your presence. This knowledge leads your uncle to immediately push you to quit your job with little luck and major offense on your part. This divide quickly causes you to seek comfort from a supportive Sun and Moon that slowly makes you end up falling for them as more time passes, the robotic pair quickly realizes this and act fast to claim your affections the coming week.

Cautious and remorseful, Your uncle eventually comes by at the front doors of the daycare to apologize for his abrupt actions until he stops dead in his tracks at the sight before him. You were in the Sun animatronic’s embrace half-blinded and prepared to give yourself to the smug looking character. Sun appeared cocky and unsurprised at your relative’s arrival. You seemed distracted and fazed by the jester’s attempt at reciprocation. and your uncle, for the first time since working there, noticed the insidious purple in the bot’s eyes, the scattered remnants of dried blood coating the yellow hands “lovingly” caressing your face, and felt pure, unadulterated fear for the future of what’s to come.

~~~~~~~~~

Let me know how I did! I wanna write a fanfic about Sun and Moon someday and need criticism. Love y’all! 😘

[sollattes]

The oya boys, when you get cat called hcs

warning: the usual HnL stuff, yk violence, bruises, and wounds:)

Hanaoka fujio:

-the worst thing you can do in front of fujio is disrespect his friends, so when somebody disrespects you, his significant other, nuh uh, they ain't walking out of oya without that a black eye and bruises

-makes sure that you're okay before beating the guys that cat called you

-also, make sure that the guys' comments don't affect you, assure you that nothing is your fault, and that you have the right to where what you want

-definitely a "my s/o can wear anything they want, I can fight" type of boyfriend

-"if you ever do that again, I'll put some of your teeth down your throat"

Tsukasa takajo:

-he is normally non-confrontational, but when it comes to you? Tsukasa is ready to destroy himself a thousand times for you

-makes sure that you won't see him beat the guy that cat called you up since he doesn't want you to be afraid of him or see him as someone he is capable of hurting you

-like fujio, he would assure you that nothing is your fault

-will never let you walk home alone again, he would either escort you himself or have fujio walk you home

-"you ever pull that shit again, and I'll make sure that you'll be eating with a straw for the rest of your life"

todoroki yosuke:

-now todoroki wouldn't take action immediately. His no. 1 priority is you

-he would comfort you first, then hunt the guy down like a predator hunting for its prey

-After making sure that you'll be okay on your for a little while, he is now a man on mission

-would let you treat his wounds after the fight tho(if he even has any)

-"if I ever see you near them ever again, I promise your nose won't be the only thing that's broken"

Poly tsuji and shiba:

-now if you think having one oya boy is protective... MAKE THAT DOUBLE !

-though their reactions are similar, their approach towards it are pretty different

-tsuji's priority would probably have the guy that cat called you kneel before you and apologise until his breathe runs out, while Shiba's priority would be comforting you and assuring you though he would also make sure that his other lover woudnt be alone in beating the guy up

-they also would let you their wounds while assuring you that every cut or bruise they got was worth it since they got it from fighting for you

-"now now I can't just let myself have all the fun, just wait until my boyfriend gets here and he'll be the one finishing the job"

Yasushi:

-it's everyone's favourite feral cat time !!

-yall know how crazy protective yasushi gets, so if someone would breathe on you the wrong way, hell would break loose

-eventhough he is already so eager to smack a bitch, he would still make sure you are safe and away from the fight then after making sure you're okay and kissing your forehead lovingly yasushi is now on his way to fuck shit up

-gets a bit sadistic while beating the guy up so you'll be the one to calm him down<3

-"I won't stop until you're bleeding from inside and out"

Nakagoshi ooki:

-now, nakagoshi really matured from when we first saw him to now. He is now more calm and thinks before doing anything

-like todoroki, he wouldn't do anything at first, and the only one that would be on his mind was you

-nakagoshi would only show his sweet side to you and keeps you away from his gang persona, he tends to keep it that way, so he would talk with nakaoka in secrecy about on how get revenge on the guy, he would never let you hear any of it

-would hide his injuries from you so you won't blame yourself for anything

-"if you ever try to take away their innocence, they still have, I assure you you will never live to see the sunrise again"

I might make a housen ver later but uhm hope you enjoyed it😘

[not-a-unique-snowflake-blog]

2023 was fun! It’s my first year reading fan fiction so it’s been one of the horniest and the thirstiest years of my life!😁 I found a lot of amazing people here and this hellsite truly became my home in 2023!💖

I want to say ‘thank you’ to people who made this year very special for me and wish them all wonderful 2024!😘 I came up with some categories so here they are!💖

✨The “OMG” fic of the year

This one goes to Promise /a dragon!Ezra x f!reader/ by @criticallyacclaimedstranger I’m a proud monster fucker but holy hell I surprised myself when I loved this fic so much!🥵 it’s hot and also very sweet and beautifully written!😍❤️ After reading it I had long and thorough discussions about the logistics of dragon fucking with a few people and had the best time!😄

✨The series I love with all my heart

Stay In Bed /pre outbreak!joel miller x f!reader, one sided tommy miller x f!reader/ by @psychedelic-ink is amazing, touching and beautiful! I felt a ton of emotions reading about Joel and reader’s journey to each other. Thank you for writing it, Sil!🫶

✨The “I’m too old for this, my heart nearly stopped” fic of 2023

Every Inch pt 3 /m!ghostface x f!reader/ by @toxicanonymity was so hot that it nearly killed me😅I had to open the window to get some fresh air cos reading it made me dizzy with hyperventilation. I survived thus I strongly recommend to TRY THIS AT HOME‼️

✨The loveliest co-writer of 2023

@milla-frenchy my friend, my twin, my co-writer💖 your support gave me confidence to come out with my own writing which wasn’t easy😅 thank you!🫂 It’s always a pleasure to write with you and I hope to continue our creative journey in 2024. I love you, baby! Check out her masterlist! It’s gold!🥵🥵🥵

✨The most unhinged reader

@gracieispunk created a reader so unhinged, badass and hot that she sometimes overshadows Maintenance Man!Joel himself!😍 Tenant Girl takes what she wants and I love her for it‼️💖

✨My man, my love, my everything

Do you have an emotional support character who can make you feel happier, safer, calmer when you simply think about them? I do thanks to @toxicanonymity ! Nightwalks Joel is my most favourite fictional man! The first, the best, the hottest! HELL YEAH!🍆🧎🏼‍♀️🐆

✨“If horrible, why so hot” character

Joel from the Wrong Way series by @romana-after-dark wins this one! This Joel is one of the darkest I’ve ever read and he makes me feral and I love him!😵‍💫🥵

✨The most read fic of 2023

Liquid Gold /Joel Miller x fem!pregnant!reader x Tommy Miller/ by @gasolinerainbowpuddles is my breastfeeding kink Bible and simply an extremely hot fic! no joke I thought of pinning it on my blog cos I searched for it that often. Just thinking about it now makes me feel like a reread is due!😵‍💫🫠

Also thank you, Puddles, for your hilarious memes!😆👏 you’re a treasure!💖

✨The most unique series

Muddy Waters /Ezra x F!Reader x Joel Miller/ by @bonezone44 blew me away this year! Its characters are complex, the plot is fascinating and unique, it’s like a diamond that shines differently when you look at it from a new angle❤️

✨DDDNE fic of the year

Whatever You Want /Comandante Veracruz x Reader/ by @iamasaddie is a non-con masterpiece! It’s not easy to keep the realism of the situation and still make it hot, but this story has a perfect balance of both!🥵🖤

Also Aly, thank for being such a great friend!💖 You’re hilarious, kind, gorgeous and a super talented writer and artist!😍👏 I love you!😘

✨My favourite writer of 2023

I dearly love many writers on this site. But this title goes to @toxicanonymity without a doubt❤️

You made this year for me, Toxy! I’ll never be normal about your writing, your talent, your characters, your kindness, your heart😍 Every series, every story of yours is perfect! Thank you for everything you gave me and all of us this year! I love you, friend!💖🫂😘

✨My favorite people in 2023

My moots, my lovelies, my friends! Y’all made me laugh, cry happy tears, thirst, FEEL things like I’ve never felt before! I LOVE YOU ALL💖 @missannwinchester @milla-frenchy @toxicanonymity @iamasaddie @neverwheremoonchild @lumoverheaven @multiversed-daydreamer @beefrobeefcal @lunitawrites @rubyfruitjungle @xdaddysprincessxx @ellasinnombre @princessanglophile @romanarose @gasolinerainbowpuddles @noxturnalpascal @gracieispunk @ghoulettesinspace @janaispunk @funnygirlthatgab @jupiter-soups @seratuyo

Special smooches to my wifey @missannwinchester who has to deal with my nonsense every single day😅😘😘😘 LOVE YOU, SWEETIE🫂❤️

If you feel you should be on the list and I missed you, you’re absolutely right and I deserve a good spanking for not including you!😏

HAVE AWESOME 2024 Y’ALL!!! WOOOOOO!🥳🎊✨💖💖💖

[mypookiewookiebear]

getting high with Hetalia characters

(cause I'm kind of high and bored :P) (I just did the allies + Canada to make my life easier)

⚠ DISCLAIMER ⚠

these are just my opinions/ headcanons, if you don't like... uh, don't read pls 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

TW/CW: drugs, lots of drugs mentioned, uh I curse? mostly weed mentions, mentioned alcohol, I use gay as an insult (GUYS IT WAS A JOKE I PROMISE PLEASE)

America

I feel like most of the time he would mellow out. Like most strains would make him more chill, like purple kush.

I think he would prefer edibles, it's easier, you’re higher for longer, and I headcanon that he’s on the heavier side so the edibles are more effective.

(also he’s weak and can’t smoke for shit)

Regardless, I don’t think he smokes or takes edibles too often. I think his preferred substance is probably liquor, if anything.

England

Okay, here me out. I think he experiments with hallucinogens.

He has his little witch friends, they light a bong and do fucking magic

(my normal friday night tbh…)

But that is the craziest thing he does, plus he’s old and has a strict 9 pm bedtime.

(plus he needs his booktok kindle to read bad colleen hoover books)

I bet he has a clicker and everything so he can lay down and read his kindle

Anyway, I think he’s had his fair share of za, but gets busy so he doesn’t do it all that often.

France

Okay the haters are gonna sabotage me, but I think he smokes the least out of this group,

Does not like the way weed makes him feel, he gets sensory overload easily while high, his adrenaline spikes and makes his heart race (in a bad way).

Prefers alcohol, specifically wine, doesn’t usually get drunk or sloshed but is more comfortable being drunk than high.

Russia

 More inexperienced with weed tbh.

Like he has smoked cigarettes, drinks often enough, and done an occasional hard substance, he just doesn’t see much appeal in weed.

I think he is extreme, like he either is dead sober, or sloshed from vodka. No in between

When he is high, he gets more introspective, and depressing lol. 

(he thinks more about his childhood, how he felt during all that)

Canada

I wouldn’t say he’s the no.1 stoner, but he’s in the running for that.

He would totally come to a world meeting high asf

(I mean, who's gonna notice?)

No preference as far as smoking vs. edibles, but i bet he’s done some crazy crack pipe diys to smoke weed

(such as, but not limited to: making a bong out of a water bottle, hot wiring an iphone charger, and smoking out of a banana)

When he’s sober he's chill, but when he's high, legit the chillest of chill. Like owns the word chill. 

More sociable and charismatic, also makes bomb ass foods.

China

Saved the best for last 😘

Guys… we did it, we found the number 1 stoner 🤯🤯🤯🤯

Kidding kidding, but he is very familiar with medicinal marijuana.

(my man has a bad back… leave him alone…)

While he has a lot of experience, rarely does he get extremely high, again mostly smokes for medicinal purposes. 

But he still has a high tolerance in general, so if he does decide to get super high, he needs strong ass edibles or a full cart.

(me asf tbh)

In the event he gets high as hell, he mostly ponders… thinks about philosophy or something gay like that./j

Idk he’s not that crazy, just sits by himself and thinks about stupid shit, like the appeal of bamboo to pandas.

Side note: don’t use gay as an insult that's bad…

OK BYE GOODNIGHT

[dlnj]

Here we go again…. 🤷‍♀️ I’m really trying so hard to fully accept myself as a girl. Well trans-gender girl but honestly I don’t see a difference , if anything we want to be our true female selves so bad we go thru a lot just to be the girl we all know we are inside. I know for sure that this is me, I am Miranda and there was a mistake made I think in the 3rd trimester ?? Can’t remember when exactly we as humans switch gender from female to male in the womb but anyone born male did in fact change from female . That should not have happened with me and I have always suspected I don’t have a normal testosterone count and have way more estrogen than most men do. It was always hard to grow a beard (which works out now that I accept I’m meant to be a girl, once I start HRT I’m guessing it won’t take much for that to stop , or so I hope anyway ) anyway either way I now know and accept that I am a girl and was always meant to be a girl from birth , I also know that that girl was always never supposed to be potty trained and out of diapers but that’s another story although you all should know that at some point I always accept who I am and live my truth , hence the back and forth in and out of diapers for years til about 9 years ago I decided to not be ashamed and go back into diapers which I did . I can no longer sleep well without a diaper and there are many days where I need them all day long which is fine with me I personally cannot wait til it is mandatory for me to always be diapered no matter who can tell . I was able to accept and act on that part of me which I still find weird but at the same time it feel very right and at this point is very normal for me, the point behind my diaper lover/diaper dependency life style (which I am not alone, check us out online ABDL searched almost anywhere and our large not so well know group of Adult Baby/diaper lovers will come up, we are normal people who just either love being treated like a baby or love being diapered , both or any number of things like that, anyway off topic hey sue me I am a talkative girl) (the point in my ABDL talk) is I was able to accept being strange and into diapers -even have a doctors order for them now kind of brace and accepting , if I can accept that than I think I will be able to accept to myself and become that girl I am inside full time and all the way, complete sex change , top to bottom , in phases , first the counselor , then HRT, then top surgery if I don’t grow my own nice breasts , then I will be able to live as and be a passable woman then while my wife and partner would rather me not do the bottom even though this is who I am and I’m kind of an all in type of girl and I do all the way want to be a girl I do love her and our sex is amazing so while I won’t rule out trading in my penis for a vagina I would hold off for a while to see if she can completely accept me as a woman , maybe one day she will come to me in her own and suggest I do the bottom, and if for what ever reason she leaves me my next phone call would be to the surgeon for my bottom surgery. I promise myself, I promise Miranda I will become her full time and let myself out , I’m so much happier as a girl, so much more comfortable. I will be that cute and sexy transgender woman in that short skirt showing off my cute diaper and tight shirt showing off my breasts and tummy. I can’t wait to be her. In all of my pictures I’m always wearing a diaper and sometimes when I’m feeling like a bad girl I’ll play pretend and handcuff myself every which way, in front like I’m being transported to a woman’s prison and/or behind my back like i was just arrested by some sexy guy/ or perfect lesbian girl ready to take me to jail and have their way with me. I’ll post another picture of me In handcuffs and tell you all the way I’d love to live. Kisses 😘

[kimvvantae]

BUT ALSO I’d rather you be doing well and us not get updates rather than vice versa! I love Saudade and TML so so so much and can just imagine endings for them if it’s not in your best interest to finish them!!!! 😘

dude that's so nice of you to say!! dropping random isa lore but talking about my mental health rn?? the times in my life when i was so obsessively invested in writing a fic that i updated it almost weekly (yeah there was a time like that), were the times were my mental health was at THE LOWEST point. i wrote a lot to escape real life. and it might sound strange but these months i stayed away from tumblr were the months i was, like, actually living?? so many good changes happened in my life (and some very bad things too) but like, i feel very alive rn?? also i feel very normal about bts (meaning i was not so normal about them a while ago) which is great honestly!!

however i still love writing & am very passionate about my stories! i really want to finish saudade and i'm finishing that smut scene in tml5 i promised! thank you soo much for sticking around for so long!!! it's so sweet and encouraging really 😭😭🥹🥹

[dandelionprints]

100 Followers Celebration!❤️🎁

I've recently hit a hundred followers (thank you!) and thought that to celebrate I would take some requests for one shots. If you'd like to request one then please follow what is written below!

I only write for Tommy as he is someone I feel I can write about with ease! In the future I'm thinking of expanding this to John, Arthur and Alfie but for now Tommy requests only please💘

Please state if you would like the fic to be fluff/angst etc.

If there is a certain scenario you'd like then please let me know! I will leave links below to some prompts to include if you'd like me to use any or you want to base your request off of a specific prompt.

Please remember I'm a normal person like you who also has things to do in 'normal' life, I'm not putting any time frames on any of these requests as I can't promise that I'll have them written, edited and uploaded within a certain time frame.

If you would like to join in and write one of your own please feel free (but also no pressure) to do so! 🥰

Any prompts listed do not belong to me, full credit to the original creator;

Angst

Fluff

Mixture of Dialogue

One Liners

Thank you so much again for following me and interacting with my stories so far, it really does make me so happy that there's people out there who enjoy what I write🥹❤️😘

Completed By Me

Part Of The Deal

Made For My Celebration By Others

Here We Are Dancing - One Shot by @zablife

One Last Time... Just You And I - Moodboard by @runnning-outof-time

The Last Dandelion - Moodboard by @notyour-valentine

Untitled - Moodboard by @raincoffeeandfandoms

[rillils]

RILS IVE JUST FINISHED MERLIN SEASON 2

AND I AM SOBBING

I REPEAT

I AM SOBBING

TEARS ARE RUNNING DOWN MY EYES EVER SINCE MERLIN TOLD HIS DAD THAT HUNITH WAS HIS MOM

AND I AM CRYING SO MUCH OH MY GOD

AND ALSO, SOMETHING THAT GETS ME SO SAD FOR SOME REASON IS

WHEN ARTHUR WAS GOING TO FIGHT THE DRAGON OUT ON THE FIELD AND ASKED THE KNIGHTS THAT THEY COULD LEAVE AND BE FINE OR THEY COULD COME WITH A PROB 99% CHANCE OF DYING

AND MY BOYS, MY MOST PERFECT, MOST NOBLE, MOST HONORABLE BOYS, THEY ARE KNIGHTS FOR A REASON RILLLSSSSS THEY GAVE UP THEIR LIVES FOR CAMELOT AND I AM GONNA GO CRY AND KMS BRB 😭😭😭

i am typing this with tears running down my eyes excuse me

MERLIN SHOWING THE DRAGON MERCY AND PROMISING TO KILL HIM IF HE EVER COMES BACK IS AMAZING I LOVE HIM FOR THAT

also, lets go back a few episodes

THAT EPISODE WHEN MORGAUSE HAD SHOWN ARTHUR HIS MOTHER

WHEN MERLIN COULDVE HAD ARTHUR KILL UTHER WHILE THINKING THAT MAGIC CAN BE A GOOD THING

BUT INSTEAD HE CHOSE TO LIE AND SAY THAT MAGIC WAS BAD BECAUSE HE KNEW THAT ARTHUR WOULDVE HAVE REGRETTED THAT DECISION, THAT ARTHUR WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD FORGIVEN HIMSELF FOR IT

MY BABIESSSSS 😭😭😭 MY BOYSSS 😭😭 MY SWEET SWEET BOYSSS

MERLIN BABY 😭😭😭

YOU ARE STILL SO YOUNG AND YOU HAD SUFFERED SO MUCH. AND FOR WHAT?? BECAUSE OF MAGIC?? HE DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG?? WHAT WAS IT THAT MADE MAGIC SO WRONG IM GONNY CRY AMD JUMP OF A CLIFF

THEY DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG

id say more things but im too busy crying to even make my brain work

I NEED A HUG 😭😭😭

SWEETHEART 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I feel for you, I really do, honey 🥺🥺😭😭 I remember all too well what a trainwreck of emotions season 2 was!!! The episode with Morgause, when Merlin amd Arthur shared their memories of the parents they had lost, and it was such a beautiful and soft moment 🥺🥺 And then Merlin sacrificing his chance to have a normal life and not having to hide his magic anymore, because he cared too much about Arthur and he didn't want Arthur to have his own father's blood on his hands 😭😭😭😭😭😭 AND LATER, ARTHUR THANKING HIM FOR MAKING HIM SEE THAT MAGIC IS EVIL AND DANGEROUS 😭😭😭😭😭 I'M CONVINCED NOW, OUR BOY MERLIN JUST KEEPS PULLING STUNTS LIKE THIS BC HE LOVES TO MAKE US CRY 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

THE KNIGHTS!!!!!!!! The knights being 10000000000% ready to die by Arthur's side because they're so fucking loyal and they love him so much 😭😭😭

AND AND AND Merlin's dad??!?!?!?? The fact that they were robbed, YET AGAIN, of the time they could have had together, it just breaks my heart 😭😭 And I think- it's been a while since I rewatched the show, but I think this was also when Arthur was trying to comfort Merlin in his own way, and told Merlin that "no man is worth your tears" while Merlin was helping him put his armour on?? Without realizing that the man in question was Merlin's dad and that Merlin had had to watch him die 😭😭😭😭😭😭 THIS SHOW, I FJUKCNIG SWEAR AJFHSKHFKDLJDK

Baby I'm just, just sending you all the hugs in the entire world, okay, all of them 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕 Please be strong, sweetie 🥺😘😘😘💖💖💖💖💖

[your-divine-ribs]

I love that Van in forbidden also shows his softer side. And I was just wondering do you think those two could actually work out and be endgame even though it started as a naughty student professor situation? And like obviously he’s engaged but I think you once said something about Kathleen having a dark secret or idk just isn’t the best person so I feel like that won’t last. Obviously don’t give spoilers lol but just in theory do you think they could eventually start a “normal” relationship? love that story so much btw 😘

We’ve not seen much of his softer side just yet but it’s lurking there underneath somewhere I promise 🖤 I think he’s cautious to get too close to Y/N so puts up barriers and tries to keep it purely sexual but I think once they get to Italy and they can spend more time together things will change. Also you might get to see a little glimpse of his softness soon (I’m tempted to re-write some chapters coming up too).

I’ve not decided about endgame yet but I think it could happen…

Also I was wondering what kind of age gap to give them, I can’t make up my mind. Wish I’d made Y/N a finalist rather than a first year student really as I had an idea for graduation.

[cryoaquila]

HELLO CRYO 😡 i love all your posts and you write everything so well!! so dont you mind if i request for zhongli, diluc, kaeya ​​and childe (separate) with a needy s/o who miss their partners and try to hug them but end up making them angry and making them say mean things? and that they regret in the end 😭

thank you sm 😘 you can find your request below, hope you enjoy the angst-

pairings (separately!); zhongli/gn!reader, diluc/gn!reader, kaeya/gn!reader, tartaglia/gn!reader. 

themes; angst, genshin universe, established relationship(s), drabbles, strong language, blood, death ment. (only treasure hoarders). 

wc; 3k

it had started as a mere longing for his company - just the want of a hug on a day when he was absent from home. he was everything you wanted in a boyfriend and, in the beginning, the walls he put up to separate you from his ‘personal’ and ‘work’ life seemed like nothing but a small detail in an otherwise loving relationship.

but, over time, the walls began to grow. the distance between you two had become normal, now. at first, you thought he was just busy working for the wangsheng funeral parlor; however, when you went there to find him for the hug you needed, the director mentioned to you how she hadn’t seen him in quite a while. it was normal to her as well at this point, for zhongli would leave for days before returning with no excuses. questioning him about it when he was home was out of the picture for, again, you had agreed at the start of the relationship to forgo any discussions involving his whereabouts beyond what he divulged on rare occasions.

you never worried if he had someone else in his life - cheating just didn’t suit him; you did, however, begin to worry for his safety, but mainly just wanted him to stay home longer for more selfish reasons. this, along with your initial longing, caused you to break the promise you had made. you began to investigate his personal life, but what you found out ended up answering nothing and just led to more questions.

no one had heard of zhongli until a few years ago. he had no family to tell of nor no friends that knew him from childhood even though he mentioned plenty of times how he grown up in liyue. in all intents and purposes, he... hadn’t existed until a little while ago.

there was inconsistency to be found everywhere. you searched his office in your shared house and you even searched his workplace, thanks to the director allowing you to. nothing added up - everything you found in his offices related to historical events long past, some you could only guess were historical events for you hadn’t even heard about them before, but they were grouped with the others, so it made sense. he also had a simple folder titled ‘do not forget’ with names written in it. some of the names, though… they sounded familiar, almost like you’ve read them before in storybooks when you were but a child. peculiarly, your name was amongst the bunch.

eventually, you hit a dead-end and no new information could be found. this is when you decided to get the answers straight from the man himself. armed with evidence and questions to bombard him with as soon as he came home, you waited each night in the foyer for his return. the night he finally came back, you were ready for him. “who are you?” the rain outside nearly drowned out your question as he stood in the doorway of your home, his coat soaked and boots muddied.

somehow, he didn’t look nor act surprised. instead, he just looked at you with a stern gaze, “you’ve broken our contract, haven’t you?” his deep voice overpowered the rain compared to your meeker tone.

“contract?” you can’t help but chuckle at the term. the promise was nothing as formal as a contract to you, and it, admittedly, felt like a promise that was supposed to be broken and you end up telling him as much, “i felt the need to break it. i missed you, greatly, and now… well, i don’t know, did i only miss the zhongli i thought i knew?”

“you broke our contract. i specifically asked you not to look into my life, and you ignored what we agreed upon,” he repeated himself, his tone unchanged, and your frustration only grew.

“i don’t care about that! i want to know who i fell in love with! everything i thought i knew about you… what’s true and what’s not?”

“and now you shall suffer the wrath of the rock.” he sighed, the first real sight of emotion since he returned.

“the wrath of... what? stop with this vagueness, why are you ignoring my questions?”

“i need time for me.” was all he answered.

“what?” you asked again, your voice cracking as you did so, “what the hell are you talking about?”

“i apologize. i take no joy in doing this, but we must go our separate ways - this shall be your punishment… as well as my own.”

that was it. you jumped up from where you were sitting and embraced him in a tight hug. hot tears rolled down your cheeks, drenching his coat even further. your throat was tight as you tried to speak, “even if you leave,” you mutter against him, his body tense from your show of affection, his coat cold from the rain outside, “i won’t stop until i find you - the real you, and… make you regret this decision or regret this damn contract as you call it.” you stumbled over your own words, speaking far too quickly to make much sense, but every second you took felt like an eternity as you tried desperately to convince him that his attempts of distancing himself further from you would only be futile. you didn’t want your relationship to end, you never wanted that, you only wanted the truth.

he, however, didn’t react to your tearful request. instead, he pulled you off him, your nails desperately digging into his coat to no avail. “i know. but do not misunderstand, i already regret this outcome, but it is an outcome that is needed in such a situation where a contract is broken.” and with that painstakingly plain response, he stepped outside into the rain, shutting the door behind him, leaving you utterly alone.

the bed creaked under his weight as it did every night when he got up after a few hours of rest with you cuddled next to him. as he usually did before he left, he moved a few strands of your hair away from your cheek so he could kiss you goodbye. the door squeaked open as candlelight from the hallway shone into the dark bedroom for a moment before he closed the door behind him, leaving the bedroom to get ready for the long night ahead of him. the warmth followed him out of the room, and you were left alone and cold in the large bed for another night. groggily, you blinked the away sleep from your eyes, something that was unusual since you rarely woke up from him leaving. you sat up on the bed to rub your eyes and, once you were awake enough for the realization to hit, you stepped out of bed, your bare feet encountering the cold wooden floor below. you knew that he hadn’t left, yet. perhaps, this night, you could finally convince him to stay with you, to forgo this duty that was forced upon him. the work at his vineyard and tavern were both far too demanding, anyhow, and he hardly ever got enough sleep. besides that, you also wanted to spend more time with him since he was constantly busy and hardly ever home because of all the work he did.

you slinked down the stairs and see diluc standing beside the entrance door, tightening the straps of his gloves. he was already dressed head-to-toe in black with a mask hiding the top of his face.

before he had any time to react, you hugged him from behind, “don’t go.” you whispered to him.

his arms dropped to his sides, his voice quiet as he replied, “mondstadt needs me.”

“i need you.” your voice shook as you nudged your head against his back.

“no.” he corrected, causing you to release him from your embrace, your heart feeling like it was ripped from your chest as he continued, “you want me. mondstadt needs me.” with that, he left, giving you not a single chance to argue with him or try to convince him otherwise. this was the life he had chosen, and you had to come to terms with that as well as come to terms with the fact your relationship with him would never be ‘normal’. as he left the house, the darkness of the night enveloped him, fitting for his given title that the residents of mondstadt called his vigilante persona. he felt a pang of guilt in his chest as he looked back at the house, the lights inside slowly going out and his lip quivered, wishing he could be the one blowing the candles out; but before he could make a foolish decision he left the front yard, knowing that he couldn’t give in to his own emotions.

the knights of favonius stood on guard of their headquarters as residents of mondstadt arrived to either visit the library or to ask for aid from the acting grandmaster. you push past the people in the building, shoes clicking against the pristine tile underneath as you headed toward the back. you’ve only been there a handful of times, but you remembered which office room was your boyfriend’s. you open the door, poking your head in to see kaeya with a stack of papers in his hands, reading them intently. he hadn’t seemed to have noticed you yet, and a playful idea crossed your mind. silently, you closed the door behind you, then, you tiptoed across the room until you were right behind him with a mischievous grin slapped on your face. you hug him from behind, quickly saying as to not startle him too badly, “hey love, i missed you so much, you’ve been so busy lately!” even though you tried not to startle him, it didn’t work. he jumped as soon as he felt your arms wrap around him, letting go of the stack of papers in his hands and all of them scattered about the room. you were nervous that he’d be angry at you, but instead, he just chuckled, turning toward you to hug you back.

“my, you startled me - good job on that, it’s not easy to do.” he praised, and you felt your smile widen.

“i’m sorry about that. here, let me help you.” you apologize, but he just shook his head as he planted a soft kiss on your cheek.

“don’t worry about it, my love.”

“no, no, i insist since it was my fault anyway,” you say, and he gave in and allowed you to help him. you both began to pick the papers up, but one sheet of paper looked different from the rest, it was darker and older looking than the rest as well as smaller and it caught your eye as soon as you picked it up. you couldn’t help but scan over its contents and your brows furrowed as you glanced the page over. instead of neat handwriting it was incredibly scribbled to the point of being illegible or… wait, was this a different language entirely? one word, however, was readable. “khaenri’ah…?” you read the word out loud, which, upon hearing yourself say, caused you to realize what the word was for you’ve heard it before – it was a name, a name of a city long since gone. “why are you doing work on khaenri’ah?” you questioned, unsure why the acting grandmaster would have kaeya looking into such an ancient, destroyed city.

before you could read the rest, he snatched the paper out of your hands. you look up at him and that’s when you noticed his face, the playful expression before had vanished and instead been replaced with narrowed eyes, clenched teeth. he stabbed his finger into your chest, telling, no, warning you to not breathe a word of this to anyone. you stared at him, wide-eyed, your stomach beginning to turn from how quick the atmosphere had changed. you simply nodded, at a complete loss for words. he glared at you one final time before turning his back on you. with that, you backed away, leaving the office and quickly headed out of the building. your mind was racing about what had just happened or if that really did happen? did it happen... was he angry? you were confused for you had never seen kaeya look or act like that before...

he ran a hand through his hair once you were gone, “damnit. why did that have to happen? i went too far and lost my cool...” kaeya muttered to himself in anger. he sat on his desk, legs crossed, the paper you had read in his hands. he looked at it one final time before ripping the paper up, cursing under his breath as he did so.

“where is he?” you grilled the fatui bank teller at the northland bank, knowing that they knew his whereabouts. usually, you were able to deal with these long missions, but tartaglia had just finished a mission in snezhnaya, and as soon as he got back, he was put on another mission, meaning you only got to see him for less than a day. you couldn’t take it anymore; your patience was gone - you were ready to see your boyfriend.

the bank teller looked quite flustered, their skin had turned pale and droplets of sweat had started dripping down the lower half of their face. you felt a little bad for them, but not bad enough to stop. “please, you must understand-”

“tell me.” you interrupted them while your gaze burned into the set of eyes behind their mask.

“he’s currently on a mission and shouldn’t be bothered.”

“i’ll determine that. now, show me where he is on a map,” you demanded.

with shaky hands, they did as you said, grabbing a map from under their desk and drawing a circle somewhere in the wilderness of liyue before handing it to you “h-he should be there, but the mission-” the teller didn’t have time to say much more, since, with the map in your possession, you turned heel and left the bank, eager to find him. along the way, you thought about the bank teller’s words and how important the mission sounded. ultimately, you decided that you’d hide, at first, to observe and see if he was doing anything important before going to hug him.

upon arriving at the place where the bank teller circled, you see your boyfriend as well as a couple of other people walking away from where you were. they all seemed friendly with each other, chatting away. perhaps they were subordinates of his. you went out into the open and called out his name, and that’s when you realized they weren’t of the friendly sort at all. the people he was with all turned toward you and that’s when you were able to see who they really were: masked treasure hoarders. tartaglia’s shocked expression upon seeing your appearance changes into anger as the treasure hoarders’ muffled voices echo the same sentiment; “tartaglia? shit, he isn’t alone and he isn’t the person he told us he was!” before you can even react to what’s happening, the treasure hoarders drew their weapons. your heart raced in your chest as you realized you were completely defenseless against these five brutes. as one charged toward you, weapon brandished, you shut your eyes tightly closed, holding your hands out in defense. after a few seconds of nothing, you slowly open your eyes, the treasure hoarder was dead at your feet with an arrow through his skull. you glance upward at tartaglia who had his bow held so tightly in his hands that his knuckles were turning ghostly white.

his lip curled, eyes flared, and he snarled at the remaining treasure hoarders, “don’t touch them.” from his bone-chilling tone and expression you knew you had made a grave mistake.

when the battle was over, tartaglia stood above their motionless bodies, a few speckles of blood now soiled his coat and was smeared on his cheek. “great. this is going to set me back more than a month’s work!” he muttered to himself, holding his head in his hands as he sighed at the bodies on the ground.

“i… i’m so sorry, i just wanted to see you and give you a hug since i missed you so…” you stammered while you ran over to him, wrapping your arms around him in an embrace.

he, however, did not hug you back, and instead just looked at you with a rigid stare, his jaw set as he spoke in a low tone, “you just wanted to see me? to hug me? oh, that’s rich.” he scoffed, unable to keep a straight face after repeating your wants orally, “you jeopardized not only my mission but also our lives for such selfish stupid reasons!” he pushed you away from him before crossing his arms in front of his body.

“stupid!?” you yell back, tears in the corner of your eyes, the hug not what you wanted or hoped for at all, “it wasn’t a stupid reason, i just made a mistake is all, but you’re acting… well, you’re acting like a jerk!”

“acting like a jerk keeps us alive, alright? and this was a costly mistake, thankfully one that didn’t cost me more than just a few months of work gone. don’t you get it, how dangerous this was? guess not ‘cause clearly you didn’t think it through. just, get out of my sight. i have to clean this mess up and try to salvage what i can of this deal. seems like i won’t be home for even longer now, thanks to you.”

your mouth hung agape while you tried to find the right words to say while also trying to hold back your anger, but you couldn’t find anything to say to him other than jumbled-up apologies or cuss words. after failing to make the situation better, you do as he suggested and storm off, heading back home. he let out a deep breath after you left and the tenseness in his shoulders disappeared. he looked at the bodies once more, their sharp weapons laid next to their unmoving, opened hands, and the metal reflected his own sorry look. “being a jerk is for their own good, you love them too much to have them be a part of this mess.” he muttered to his own reflection, “it’s important they understand how dangerous this work is and i… i can’t chance them getting… ki-...” his voice cracked, unable to speak the word. “fuck.” he whispered, not even wanting to think of such a possibility.

[pacifymebby]

hc about lads looking after u after a miscarriage, they’d be so soft and sweet and careful

i understand it could be too triggering for some people tho so no worries if not😘

So I don't want to do miscarriage exactly because I have no experience there and I know its a really sensitive subject/traumatic triggering experience. So instead I'm going to do Negative Pregnancy Test When You've Been Trying For a Baby.

Van

❤️ He's disappointed sure but he's determined and stubborn.

❤️ "honey don't cry its only the first test, these things take time,"

❤️ Pulls you into his arms and guides you out of the bathroom and into the bedroom where he sits on the bed and pulls you up into his arms.

❤️ "Cmere sugar, its okay, we're gonna do this, it's gonna be okay...we've just gotta keep trying love,"

❤️ You end up trying again there and then on the bed.

Bondy

❤️ Is dissapointed, sighs and pulls you into a hug. Kisses your forehead.

❤️ "a know you're upset love, am dissapointed too but this int the end of the world..."

❤️ Let's you have a good cry and listens to your worries. You're scared you can't have kids and he let's you werrit to him until you're all worn out.

❤️ Kisses your hair, plays with your hair, strokes your shoulder. Mumbles to you about how he understands and it's gonna be okay.

❤️ Firm believer that a cuppa can fix all heartaches. "Yknow what we're gonna do?" "What?" "We're gan go downstairs, we're gan make a brew, an we're gan have a cosy little afternoon, stick straight to hell on an then we're gan feel better... Sound good?" "uhuh" "good"

❤️ Carries you downstairs, cuddles with you on the sofa all afternoon. Hand resting on your tummy, promises you everything is gonna be fine and that all you've gotta do is keep trying.

Benji

❤️ Is sad but isnt going to let you be sad.

❤️ Believes it will happen when it happens and has full faith its all gonna be okay.

❤️ "you just can't overthink these things honey"

❤️ Ice cream for u

❤️ Will probably end up phoning his mam to talk about his own worries because he doesn't want to burden you.

❤️ "guess this means we're gonna have to try twice as hard ey?"

Bob

❤️ Was worried this would happen and has been planning in advance how to cheer you up if it does

❤️ Legit already researched the odds of you getting pregnant and has all the maths to reassure you that this is perfectly expected and normal.

❤️ Has also researched how to improve the odds pretty thoroughly too.

❤️ Is so soft and caring with you but also so problem solving minded that he has you totally calm and reassured and ready to keep trying in under ten minutes

❤️ Takes you out for dinner to celebrate the fact that you're trying for a baby

Sam

❤️ Honestly we know how anxious this boy is about everything, he's been worried about this happening, worrying that you won't be able to have kids for whatever reason. Worrying that you'll be upset. Worrying it will ruin the relationship.

❤️ So when it happens he feels a rock of anxiety in his stomach and he has to take a second to compose himself so that he's not too upset.

❤️ But you can tell he really is and actually it reassures you because it shows you that he cares just as much as you do about it.

❤️ The fact you both have to reassure one another to get through it helps you both because you're so focused on thinking up things to make the other feel okay that you end up calming down and reassuring eachother at the same time.

❤️ Definitely going to make a cheeky joke about how you'll just have to try again.

❤️ Is going to be super vigilant making sure you take all your vitamins and follow all the steps.

❤️ Knows your cycle like the back of his hand, can tell when you're ovulating before you can.

[football-and-fanfics]

Okay, where to start... What I am about to share with you now is very hard for me, and will be affecting posting probably for a while. And, uhm.... trigger warnings ahead for accidents, injuries and anxiety/PTSD😥 Earlier this week, my horse and I were involved in an accident. When out for a ride, we were hit by a passing car. I am still not sure how it could possibly happen, but the car hit my horse from behind, causing him to kind of "sit" on the hood of the car, before we both tumbled off. I was later told that the driver was A) speeding, and B) a little over the legal limit alcohol-wise. I broke my wrist (which I also broke last year, so probably still a weak spot), bruised and scraped all over, and 14 stitches to a cut on my arm. My beautiful, precious, beloved horse injured his hind legs when the car crashed into him. Miraculously, he didn't break anything, but there are deep and nasty cuts to both this hind legs, and scrapes all over him from the subsequent fall. At first, it looked like he was lucky injury-wise, but after a day the wounds to his legs got heavily infected. He is a the vet's clinic, and they're doing everything they can for him, but it is growing more and more plausible that he is not going to make it and that we might have to let him go. The accident left me in complete shambles. This horse is my soulmate and gotten me through some difficult times, and I am absolutely not ready to lose him. The accident left me with PTSD-like symptoms. Loud noises, too many people in the same room and driving a car scare me. I keep reliving the accident and I just randomly cry over absolutely anything. Conclusion: I will probably be posting less in the coming weeks, because I need to get myself healed from this. I'm getting help (don't worry 😇), and I'm confident I will recover, but it will take time. I am not stopping writing completely, because it also keeps my mind off things and strangely it seems like good therapy, but inspiration comes a lot less easy at the moment and my life is too much of a train wreck at the moment to stick reliably to the Posting Schedule. Everything in my inbox will be written eventually, but, please, bear with me. You will find me on here from time to time, so I won't be going completely dark. Watching football somehow calms me down. Apparently, 11 men chasing a ball are good for your mental health after all 🙃. I try to live my life as normally as possible and keep doing most of the things I would usually do. It's hard, but it's what I need at the moment. My inbox is still always open for anyone who wants to talk or request something. Every request I have pending will be added to the Posting Schedule (which will be more like an overview for the coming time), but without any promises on when things will be posted. On the Posting Schedule I will also keep links to recently posted imagines, so you can easily find them in case you missed one. The Posting Schedule is not updated yet at this moment, but I hope to be able to do that this weekend. I still have a few requests which I had already written, which I hope to be able to post soon. Thank you all for sticking with me, and I'm very very sorry I have to disrupt everything so suddenly. I will be back, full-force, I promise 😘

[flameontheotherside]

I Don't Want To Live

...No, I'm not suicidal.

But I've had glimpses of the "great beyond" in dream travel. For some reason I'm watching and listening to NDEs and it's amazing how I can sort of reach states of consciousness in my sleep to experience similar things. My favorite is when I met Erik at a beautiful place. It's hard to describe. He laughed at my confusion when I heard children. He said they were OUR children. Then I woke up.

Normally a dream like that would make me happy and it really did. I was fresh out of being homeless, just moved in with Rick and unsure about what was coming up next. It's been over 2 years since the dream. We've moved into a bigger apartment and now 19 weeks pregnant.

I have a kid to live for now!

So I want to live but for him mostly. I want to die because this place is just fucked beyond compare. I think how lucky some people are to die. 3 friends of mine have passed away since I've moved here. That's one every year and I miss them all so very much. Most of all I miss Erik. I hope that my son is with him preparing for this new life. I know he's excited to be born because of course souls on the other side sort of "forget" what life on earth is like.

I still want him to enjoy being a floaty spirit while he can. Even if I'm not completely solid on what I believe. I just hate this place so much. Life here is bullshit full of horrible people and I'm just so tired of it. I want to do what Erik said I'm supposed to but I also just don't want to fucking give a shit. People don't deserve me. I've been hurt so so very much by people that the thought of another 40 or so years feels like a prison sentence. This earth is a fucking prison and every one above you dictates what to do.

Life without Erik in each life was hard.

One life was documented because I was "royalty" but unrecognized as such because I was "illegitimate". Not only did we like to write in journals (I still do), we quoted lines, loved natural medicine, and our husband. Seeing her stuff struck me. It took a year after Erik told me about that life and who I was to summon the courage to look.

If you can look into the lives of who you were it's weird. You can be similar, you can be completely different. I'm this case, its hard to describe without choking up. I didn't remarry. Neither did Erik. He waited until my death. I died caring for our two children who would fight unsuccessfully to claim thier royalty.

Erik apologized for not being there for me.

He promised her never abandon me. But everyone I loved did just that in this life too. I don't think Erik would have been any different. He had his problems and I had mine. It wasn't until 2 years ago that I decided to stop the cycle of chosing the wrong idiots who would eventually leave. Rick is the opposite of all of them. But Im not IN love.

Being in love to both me and Rick is impractical. We both have been brutally hurt. We base our relationship on reality. The reality is I've not loved ANYONE since before Erik died and when I was looking for him. I never will. I tried and Matt only used me. Before Matt died he apologized and all but he pretty much showed me that being in love is just not in the cards for me.

I'm going to stop here before I start bawling...

😘💕 Good night loves!