#but i had to run my pity into the high 80s after that before i got that stupid gold shooting star!!!

[pachimation]

a little congratulatory drawing for finally (finally) nabbing this stupid little bard guy and his stupidly good crowd control

[uhzuku]

how do you keep getting all of the event five stars so often have you even lost like wth

ig the pity system is being nice to me?? idk man i’ve won my last 5 50/50s and am just like

also update since i forgot to post this; i lost alhaitham to jean :(

[scribbled-anecdotes]

Kill the Mood - MDZS Slasher AU

Did anyone else read MDZS and think woah you know what this campy, murder-filled series needs: an AU set in a '80s campy teen Slasher? Because I did!

Synopsis:

Meng Yao is in the final year of high school. Between his shitty parents, his shitty after-school job, and his shitty social life, graduation cannot come quick enough. With stressful university admissions and a long-held crush on one of the most popular guys in school, Meng Yao couldn't imagine things could get any more chaotic. That is until he comes home to find he has another half-brother, Xue Yang, who seems a bit ... off. Things quickly spiral when Meng Yao realizes that he might have more in common with this new-found half-brother, who might just be a teen serial killer.

Relationships: XiYao; established Xuanli and in future chapters: SongXiao, Wangxian (background), and XiaoXue (if you see things from Xue Yang's point of view, that is)

CW: canon-typical abuse, suicide mention, mild gore and child death.

Also shoutout to the darling @prinzsorgenfrei for not only aiding and abetting this by beta reading it and drawing very pretty character designs, but for also workshopping scenes with me and for co-writing some XiYao.

This is my first MDZS fic, so please do let me know y'all's thoughts.

New York, 1986

“Jesus Christ.”

A pair of firefighters scanned flashlights over the charred remains of what had once been a nursery: rows of cribs and toddler cots reduced to pyres. Little bodies, burned beyond recognition, curled up.

At least they had been asleep.

There was always something particularly horrid when such innocent lives were caught up in accidents like these. Faulty wiring in the old boys’ group home was the immediate suspect. The fire had started in the basement, where wires that hadn’t been updated since before the war knotted and choked each other out. They had found the Headmaster’s body—well his presumed body; it was too big to be that of a child—curled outside his rooms. Smoke inhalation was the immediate suspect, there. What a pitiful and painful way to go.

But the thing about burnt bodies, the particular thing about burnt bodies unassumingly crisped in an old house that was practically begging to go up in flames, was that no one would think to look for further injuries. Feet fall off when temperatures get too hot, after the body curls up as the muscles contract and bulge in the inferno. What does it matter when the Achilles Tendon snaps? Or is snapped, rather. What would it matter how bruised and cut up the now charred flesh is? And of course, the uniform scorch marks took care of any pesky, incriminating blood stains.

When the fire department finally made it on the scene, all they saw was a tragedy, with one small miracle in the form of a delinquent with a record and a habit of sneaking away at night, including this one. One who had smelt smoke while hopping the fence back onto the grounds and had bravely run for help, but the fire had burned too long. Thus he became the lone survivor of a tragic house fire.

…

“13 people, most of them minors, are reported to be dead after a house fire broke out in a Queens boys’ home. Authorities arrived on scene at the Chang Group Home for Boys at around 1:47 this morning.”

Meng Yao heard the news report from his basement bedroom and bit his cheek knowing that Mrs. Jin had yet to leave for her hair appointment. It was barely the third day of school and she would already have ample opportunity to chastise him for being late. It didn’t matter that it was barely the third day of school and he was still working what was meant to be a summer job at the local video store. He’d been up until 2 am and his alarm had gone off no later than 6:30. Who could blame him for hitting snooze and begging his younger brother, Xuanyu, to wake him at 7:00 am? Regardless, he hadn’t, and now Meng Yao was perched at the base of the stairwell waiting for Mrs. Jin to finish her coffee and leave for her appointment or at least get up for long enough to let Meng Yao sneak into the bathroom to brush his teeth. He was stuck listening to the news and Mrs. Jin’s snide commentary for another 3 minutes.

“After their preliminary investigation, the Fire Department of New York has declared the fire accidental, citing out-of-date electrical wiring and a faulty air conditioning system.” They played a brief clip of the Fire Chief expressing his condolences for the tremendous loss of life and explaining what the news anchor had already confirmed. “Our hearts here at the NYFD are with the surviving child,” he added bittersweetly before the broadcast presumably cut back to the station. “This youth is reported to be in state care until other arrangements can be made.” Meng Yao heard Mrs. Jin huff. “In other news—.”

“City’s gone to shit,” Mrs. Jin said, before flicking the channel to one of those morning talk shows stay-at-home wives liked. Stuff about new recipes and the best back-to-school buys. Mrs. Jin was the type of woman who would make others wait. It was her appointment after all, shouldn’t it be about her? If Meng Yao kept it up he’d be late anyway without the guarantee that he’d go unnoticed.

He trotted up the stairs, darting around the corner into the bathroom to no avail. “You’re still here? You’re already going to be late on the first week?” While Mrs. Jin certainly would not hold back with her words most days, today it was all in her tone. You’re still here was loaded with years of resentment and anticipation for the moment she would not have to see the reminder of her husband’s infidelity.

There was really no use explaining himself and even though an apology wouldn’t get him very far either, Meng Yao said sorry as he rushed into the kitchen to find an apple. That could be both breakfast and lunch, right?

“Morning,” he said routinely when Zixuan walked into the kitchen. It would be hard to tell that they spent their mornings rushing around the same kitchen. Where Zixuan was well-dressed, Meng Yao swum in awkwardly-fitting hand-me-downs Zixuan hadn’t touched since the 9th Grade. Where Meng Yao would try in vain to style the remnants of a bad bowl cut for three seconds in the mirror before giving up, Zixuan had the privilege of spending the morning in the shower to achieve his seemingly effortlessly coiffed hair. Zixuan flashed him a smile, more focused on packing his bag. The smile, momentarily lighting up his eyes, made Meng Yao conscious of his own bleary ones, a trait his step-mother was convinced he inherited from his mother. “Zixuan doesn’t look so lifeless” and whatnot when posing for photos. Maybe he had gotten that from his mother; a little way to assure everyone that perfect Zixuan and the inconvenient Meng Yao were only half-brothers.

“Hey,” he hesitated, noticing Zixuan was halfway out the kitchen. “Would you mind giving me a ride to school? I just, um, woke up late.” Zixuan’s brows furrowed and those bright eyes softened. “I won’t ask again,” he tried to assure with an awkward half-smile.

“I’m picking up Yanli,” Zixuan responded matter-of-factly.

Of course. Though he hadn’t said no, he was picking up his girlfriend. It was stupid to ask, Meng Yao realized. Who would want to pick up their girlfriend with their brother in the car? So sexy, right? “You know what, never mind. I can figure it out.”

Zixuan’s brows remained furrowed, “Yeah, whatever you want.” He walked out the door.

It wasn’t the worst situation Meng Yao had been in, not by a long shot. He remembered the three weeks in foster care between his mother’s death and being dropped at his estranged father’s doorstep: his things in a trashbag, loud dormitories where it was impossible to sleep, being nearly a month behind in school work even though the year had just started, nearly choking to death trying not to cry himself to sleep. Not that any of this went away when he arrived in the quiet new-build suburb in upstate New York with a fading tan from the Nevada sun, like he’d been on vacation, and his mom’s ashes precariously in his 13 year old arms. Who would blame Madam Jin for turning up her nose?

Xuanyu, who was just 8 when Meng Yao had arrived, was the only one who seemed excited to have him, and that was mostly because he would not have to sleep alone in the basement anymore. Meng Yao remembered the pit in his stomach, seeing that scrawny little boy eager to show him around and explaining that he didn’t need to be afraid anymore since his older half-brother was here now and could protect him from the monsters that undoubtedly hid in the shadows of the dimly lit storage-room-turned-bedroom. In hindsight, it should have been a warning sign when Xuanyu innocently, almost pathologically naively, explained that the Jin couple kept ‘forgetting’ to buy him a nightlight. But at the time, it didn’t matter to Meng Yao. He was a few months shy of his 14th birthday and didn’t plan on staying long, especially once he got his first New York job at the local thrift store. About three weeks into that, the best he’d gotten to show for his hard work was a much-appreciated nightlight for his new little brother and an empty shoebox which he labelled “College Fund.” His mother would want him to go to college, rather than become a 14-year-old high school dropout working some shitty job for the rest of his life.

Three years later, and he was walking to his last year of high school, dreaming of college admissions. Years of working and stashing away half of every paycheque had brought him close to his goal and, according to the guidance counselor, he had the grades to get a decent scholarship, so long as he kept up the hard work and the extra curriculars. And oh did he: a full time table, staying later after school for the last 3 years; Mondays and Wednesdays for Student Council and Fridays for Model UN, Thursday mornings for Debate club. “No sports though,” the guidance counselor had told him last year, face screwed like it was a crime to have asthma. “Lots of scholarships in sports, you know.” Meng Yao had just rolled his eyes. Regardless, when would he have the time for a sport? Meng Yao wondered if he could squeeze something else in as he walked to school. This was his last year after all. Maybe Drama club, or... His thoughts trailed of, exhausted. Who was he kidding, how on Earth would he keep going like this? Working nights and weekends, falling onto his bed after a long day of classes and extra curriculars and mind numbingly boring shifts at Video World, just to get up a few hours later to do it all again.

But there were things about his life that he had actually come to enjoy.

“Morning,” Meng Yao whispered as he plopped down beside Lan Xichen.

Math class wasn’t all that bad. For one, Meng Yao was quite good at it. Maybe Mathletes would round out his college application. The senior math teacher had been overjoyed when he heard that Meng Yao planned on majoring in Finance and becoming an accountant, so he probably would be overjoyed to have Meng Yao on the team this year. Or anyone on the team for that matter.

“Did you sleep in?” Xichen whispered under the lesson on Functions, even though he had a near-pathological fear of being rude.

“Yeah.”

Xichen held out a granola bar. “You didn’t eat, did you?”

Meng Yao took the bar in response. No. He gave Xichen a familiar half-smile in thanks and got one in return.

Eating in class was technically frowned upon, but fainting in class would mean certain social death, so Meng Yao decided to nibble on small pieces of granola whenever the teacher was turning towards the board. When he had finally finished the granola and rubbed his fingers against each other to get rid of the sticky film of leftover honey, Xichen handed him a perfectly clean cloth handkerchief. Sometimes it was hard to forget that the uncle Xichen was living with was old, rich, and as traditionalist as it got.

“Thanks again,” whispered Meng Yao, and, with a bat of his eyelashes, added: “How lucky I am to have befriended such a perfect gentleman. Should I iron it before I give it back?”

��That would be much appreciated,” answered Xichen with an expression so serious it could only be mocking, “For if my uncle were to find out I bequeathed this to anyone but a fiancée or a wife he would surely lock me in the attic for the rest of the semester.”

Meng Yao hid his laugh with a cough and their teacher turned around.

“Anything to share with the class, Mr. Meng? Mr. Lan?”

“Nothing of note, I apologize,” said Meng Yao before Xichen could feel guilty, “I’m having some issues with my contacts and asked Xichen to help me read the last equation. I did not mean to disturb the lesson.”

The teacher gave his favourite student a reproachful look but continued his lesson without another hitch. Xichen looked at Meng Yao with an amused twitch to his lips.

“I did not know your perfect vision had worsened.”

“Do keep my secret.”

They turned their focus back to the lesson and before long the bell ended the most pleasant ninety minutes of Meng Yao’s day.

“Will I see you at lunch?”

If he imagined a hopeful undertone in Xichen’s voice that was nobody’s business.

“I’ll be present.”

He would decidedly not sit with Xichen and Nie Mingjue, but he would be present. It had its perks. He was less easily distracted from his actual food intake.

“Could I talk to you about homecoming then? There are some things we need to figure out and I would really like your opinion on them. We’ll decorate later this week, but I know you’re busy, so I’d like to run it by you during school hours.”

“Um, yeah, of course.” Meng Yao tried not to sound overexcited, it was just homecoming after all. But it was a welcomed distraction. He fondly remembered when they were on prom committee last year, even though they didn’t attend. Tossing streamers into the bag and then at each other while they swept up the gymnasium. There was something so liberating about being alone with Xichen, their laughter echoing off the walls as they ate leftover finger foods and talked about their summer plans. “I can meet you in the library after class on Friday, if that works?”

“That would be lovely.” Xichen smiled and headed down the hall toward English class.

—

Model UN was fine. They spent most of the hour preparing for the next conference, pouring over books about Nuclear Warfare and Treaty Rights. Truth be told, Meng Yao was only half listening while he took notes on the school typewriter. He was about halfway through mindlessly typing “excellent work, gang. Have a nice weekend” before he realized they were breaking.

Xichen was in the library as promised, happily getting ahead on his Physics homework. “Sorry,” Meng Yao apologized.

“What for?”

“I’m late.”

“Hardly.” Xichen produced an apple from his bag. “It’s really fine, I know that you have Model UN and all.”

“Thanks,” Meng Yao accepted the apple.

“Plus, Wangji has volleyball practice tonight anyway and he needs a ride home.” Xichen produced a binder of details and Meng Yao practically swooned when he saw the colour-coding. It was a system they had devised together: Green for finances, blue for food and drink, red for legal things—forms and whatnot—and so forth. “So, decorations. I revised the budget and we can free up some extra money. We need a theme, no? For the dance portion.”

“Yes. And if we’re doing spirit week—do we have spirit days picked out?”

Xichen flipped a few pages ahead, mumbling to himself, “School colours, Flashback Day, PJ Day, Beach Day, Jersey Day.”

Meng Yao screwed up his face at the disjointed roster. God, didn’t their co-council members have any idea about cohesion? “Well, we have to keep Jersey Day for Game Night, but we can build up to the home-coming dance theme with each spirit day, no?”

Xichen gleefully crossed out PJ Day and Beach Day and Meng Yao swore he looked relieved. “What about doing Americana? Its the school’s 75th anniversary this year, we can keep the School Colours, the jersey and the flashback and substitute Beach Day and PJ Day for something a little more New York or at least closer to New Hoenderloo High history.”

“Gangster Day?” Meng Yao suggested.

Xichen scoffed. “What does New Hoenderloo have to do with the mob?”

“I don’t know, our prime export is corn and varsity jocks. But we’re so close to New York that I’m sure people won’t bat an eye.”

Xichen nodded and added Gangster Day to the agenda. He supposed it was better than Farm Day or something.

“And, um, we can do a classic American Day? Red, White, and Blue and that junk. Founding fathers.”

“Would work.”

“And we can decorate the homecoming dance with American Classics, a jukebox instead of a DJ, we can serve milkshakes, and do ‘50s Diner lighting?”

Xichen laughed. He loved Meng Yao’s big ambitions. “Remember, I said, some money was freed up. We’re hardly Studio 54.”

“Let me see that budget.” Meng Yao poured over the numbers, looking for missed unnecessary spending. “A jukebox is way cheaper than a DJ, you know. That saves us a couple hundred bucks easy. Plus, if we raise the ticket prices by a few dollars, we can make up the difference. That’s not even including fundraisers like the Football Team Charity Car Wash or the Meat Raffle.” Meng Yao wrote out all the numbers neatly so that Xichen would have something to show the rest of the committee on how to really throw a great home-coming.

“See, this is why we need you to be vice-president!”

Meng Yao blushed. “Really? Little ol’ me?”

He suddenly became less playful when he saw Lan Wangji appear in the library. Wangji was, of course, polite, like his older brother, and, of course, also socially awkward, drastically unlike his older brother. So, he would wait stoically in the library entry until his brother would notice him, rather than interrupting them and risking making small talk with Meng Yao. “Your brother is done with practice, I think.”

Xichen waved and asked Wangji a bunch of questions: How was practice? When is the next game? Would he need something to eat? And Wangji replied simply: “Good. Tuesday. No. Can’t spoil dinner.”

“Ready to go home?”

“Yes.”

Meng Yao packed his things up alongside Xichen, happily chattering about how much progress they made in just a half hour. “It’s really coming together,” he added as he went to turn left to catch the bus.

“Would you like a ride home?” Xichen offered.

“It wouldn’t be too much trouble, would it?”

“You live a couple blocks away from us. It would be far more convenient.”

Meng Yao’s lips curled softly, gratefully. “Then, I would love a ride. Thank you.”

—

“Looks like you have guests,” Xichen observed, trying to make pleasant conversation as always. Meng Yao recognized that car. God, he wondered if that social worker worked on commission, a little extra for every traumatized child she dragged to Jin Guanshan. God knows there were probably enough bastards to make up an entire career. Meng Yao’s tired sigh turned into an airy half-laugh, mostly at his own joke. But Xichen smiled. “Have a lovely visit,” he added when he pulled into the driveway and let Meng Yao out of the car.

“Thanks. And thanks again for the ride home, I really appreciate it.”

“Anytime, A-Yao.”

Mrs. Jin had put out tea and coffee, even a tray of baked goods. Her gentle sips and small, delicate bites quickly hardened into a tight frown. Meng Yao felt like he did three years ago. Mrs. Jin was consistent; she wore the same tired, expectant face and flashed her cold, irritated gaze at Meng Yao when he froze in the living room. “A-Yao, our other son.” Meng Yao almost rolled his eyes at how much Mrs. Jin visibly struggled to call him ‘our son.’ “You must remember him?” Her voice was pleasant enough when talking to the social worker.

“I do. How are you? How is school? Still playing soccer?”

“Good. And good.” Meng Yao had never played soccer in his life, but he played along and told her that he might even be getting a scholarship for it. No one knew enough to correct him, anyway.

She gave him a well-rehearsed polite smile, before turning her attention back toward Mrs. Jin. “I trust you know the drill. If there are any problems, please do not hesitate to call. Though you should know.” She trailed off and Meng Yao could see her thinking through what to say next. “You know, he has had some problems in his group homes, but those situations are volatile for any child. A stable, loving home like this one will probably do him good.”

            Meng Yao’s attention turned to the muffled conversation Xuanyu was having with someone in the basement.

So he had a new brother now, he supposed. And a new roommate.

            “And this is Meng Yao!” He heard Xuanyu say before he was even halfway down the stairs. Really, who else could it have been? Who else would want to go down into their creepy, damp basement bedroom? Meng Yao forced his most welcoming smile. He remembered how shy he felt when he first came to New York. Shy and lonely and so, so angry at the world. A smile and a polite, calm introduction was the least he could do.

            The boy, who couldn’t have been much younger than he was, gave him a full smile. “Hi.” There was something so juvenile about that smile that it unnerved Meng Yao. It wasn’t innocent like Xuanyu’s, happy regardless of his circumstances. No, this was boyish in a hedonistic way, sharp and carefree; all pointed canines and no baby teeth.

            “Xue Yang.” He said, bobbing his chin and widening his smile to an almost wolfish state.

            “Nice to meet you, Xue Yang.” Meng Yao could thankfully recover the conversation quite quickly. He welcomed first years all the time, and even though Xue Yang was going into Junior year and would hardly be as intimated of him as a 13-year-old, he was sure the faltering of his welcoming tone would go unthought of. “I can’t imagine your coming here was brought on by good circumstances, so—”

            “Oh no, asshole cardboard suburbanites were my childhood dream.” Meng Yao quickly learned that Xue Yang liked to laugh at his own obnoxious sarcasm. A lot. And Xuanyu, ecstatic at yet another older brother, also liked to laugh.

            “So, if you want to talk about it,” he continued, trying to move on from Xue Yang’s instant dislike of the situation, “I would be more than happy to.” It really was not Meng Yao’s place to judge him for it. If his childhood was anything like his own, filled with promises of a dad who was just coming back, always just coming back someday, then Xue Yang was likely utterly disappointed by the dad who had just relegated him to the basement and was headed back to work after making his wife do all the talking. No fancy house and fully-stock fridge could make up for that.

            “Meng Yao is really good at talking,” Xuanyu assured. “My mom slit her wrists when I was five.”

            Xue Yang scoffed at his candour, a cheeky grin spreading. “You really just say whatever the hell you want, eh?” Xuanyu nodded, just happy to get someone’s attention. Xue Yang loved it when kids were stupid.

            “And my aunt always told me it was my fault. But Yao-gege said its not and he always tells me that when I have nightmares. So, he can make you feel better.”

            “Xuanyu.” Meng Yao gave him a gentle pat on the back of his head, dropping his voice to a whisper. “remember, we don’t have to tell everyone everything, okay?”

            “Why not? We’re brothers!”

            “Yeah,” Xue Yang turned back to his trashbag-suitcases and began to take over the bottom bunk. “We’re brothers, aren’t we, Yaoyao?”

            My bed…, Meng Yao thought about explaining Xue Yang could have the clearly unused top bunk but thought against it. What was the difference anyway?

[theseeingfawn]

Chapter 2: Trouble Comes to Town | Read on AO3

Summary:

Azriel, succumbing to temptation, finds himself in a small town that proves far more meddlesome than he had anticipated. Meanwhile, Elain grapples with her own emotions and the complexities of petty politics.

Elain

“That man right there is nothing but trouble.” I hear Pauline say, disapproval coating her every word. I turn just in time to catch a glimpse of Azriel running down the street in tight fighting shorts and no shirt. Sweat glistening down his sculpted body, black tattoos crawling up his arm and across his chest like wisps of shadow. He looks dark and dangerous. I feel my skin tingle and a slow blush creep up my neck. Trouble indeed. Before I make a fool of myself in front of Pauline, I pick my jaw up off the floor and turn back to the pile of pastry dough in front of me. 

Why is he here? It can't be a coincidence that he saw me the other night and just so happens to show up in town. Maybe he is here to see me. I shake my head in disbelief. There is no way he is into me . He was out on a date with Mor just the other day. Though, it was rather unusual that he left his date to chat with me… twice . But a nagging thought reminds me it was probably just pity because he feels bad for Feyre’s sister. Feyre, he must be here to see her. Because why would a man like him be interested in me ? Nope, I’m not opening that can of worms. I hear Pauline guffaw as she presses her face against the shop window. “That's it, I'm calling a town meeting about public nudity.” Nuala, one of my dearest friends and coworkers, looks at me fighting back a burst of laughter. Cerridwen, her twin sister, has no such restraint as she keels over in a fit of giggles. “You know Pauline, you are quite enthralled for someone who acts so scandalized,” says Bernadette from her stool at the counter. Bernadette and Pauline are both in their 80s, have known each other their entire lives and can't stand one another. Pauline finally turns her head from Azriel, “not all of us are perverts who read dirty books you old slut.” Nuala finally cracks and joins her twin who is still in hysterics. 

“Just because I enjoy a good fictional romp doesn't make me a slut. When was the last time you dusted that thing off Pauline? I bet there's cobwebs in those panties.” Pauline's face turns bright red, a tell tell sign that she is about to throw a tantrum. “Just because I didn't wave this thing around,” she gestures towards her crotch, “when we were in high school doesn't make me a prude. I'm a godsdamn lady.” Bernadette turns to me and winks, “whatever you gotta tell yourself.” 

Pauline stalks closer to the counter reaching for the phone. “What are you doing?” I ask. She looks at me like I have three heads, “We can't let tattooed bandits striptease in the street, Lainey.” Bernadette snorts.

“Pauline, you don’t know that man, just because he’s jogging while tattooed doesn't make him a criminal,” counters Cerridwen who is finally calming down from her giggle fit. “The hell it doesn't, why is he even running? I bet he robbed a bank.” Bernadette sighs, “come off it you nit wit, if he robbed the bank how could he hide the cash if he’s naked.” I shake my head, “He’s not naked, just shirtless. Besides, I know him and he’s not a criminal.” Everyone stopped and turned to me, gapping. Technically, I don’t know that.

“You know that man?” asked Nuala. 

“Yes. He's Rhysand’s brother. I've met him a few times. He is very kind and I assure you he is not a bank robber.” Pauline clutches her proverbial pearls. “Rhysand?!” she gasps, “Lainey you know how I feel about that charlaton.” Bernadette clears her throat, “I hate, and I mean hate to agree with Pauline but if he's Rhysand's brother then that man is bad news.” 

I exchange looks with my friends. “I'm telling you, he is a good man. Just the other night he helped me after a terrible date.” Cerridwen asks as if unsure she should, “You mean your date with Lucien?” 

Well, shit. Hanging my head in defeat, I whisper a pained yes. Bernadette shoots to her feet, “you went on a date with Lucien!? How was it!? Why did Mr. Naked need to help you?!” Uggghhh, I really should have kept my mouth shut. But I know they won't leave me alone until I give them something. “It's not a big deal. We went out, it was awkward, we didn't hit it off and he bailed on me. Azriel happened to be there and made sure I was okay. He was considerate and thoughtful.” Pauline shakes her head, “What do you mean little Lucy bailed on you? I can't believe it! And what kind of name is Azriel? Like the angel of death?” Bernadette pipes up before I can reply, “if Lucien bailed honey I am sure he had a good reason. I'm with Pauline, this Gabriel sounds like bad news.” 

I sigh. I know there’s no point explaining why Lucien bailed. I don't want everyone in town to know that he thinks I’m boring and meek. Which is certainly what would happen if I confide in Pauline and Bernadette, the forewomen of the town gossip factory. Lucien is the golden boy. Everyone loves him. He can do no wrong. All he has to do is flash his smug little grin, say a few charming words, and the whole town is putty in his hands. It does not escape my notice that he never once smiled or showed me any of that trademark charm on our date. But somehow I am the boring one. Azriel had been a true gentleman, making sure that I was okay and that Lucien paid for the date. I hate that he is being judged purely based on his appearance. Something I know all too well. “Azriel and I are just acquaintances, besides he travels for work. So, I doubt he will be in town for long.” I wisely choose to ignore the comments about Lucien. Pauline and Bernadette exchange conspiratorial looks. “Well, honey, we are going to head out now. We will be back by for lunch.'' I don't like the look they give me as they scurry off. Those two agreeing on anything is always disastrous.  

Azriel

After tossing and turning most of the night, it’s finally a normal hour to wake up and start the day. Five a.m., well normal for me at least. I’ve never been much of a sleeper, a carry over from a brutal childhood and a regimented schedule from my days in the military. Truthfully, I entered the military to escape home. It was never what I wanted for myself, but so much of what I want isn’t an option for me. I don’t regret my time in service, in fact it may have been the only thing that kept me from descending completely into a life of crime. I wash the exhaustion from my face and reorient myself to my current location. Right, Hewn Hills, sleeping in the bed and breakfast that will be my temporary home during this assignment. The place has a Norman Rockwell-esque feel to it and smells faintly of moth balls. I chose the place because of its proximity to Main Street. Close to Elain's charming little bakery, Petals. Hewn Hills may not be the most exciting place to live, but it has its own quiet appeal.

I close my eyes and take a steadying breath. I can’t see her . It's become my new mantra, maybe if I repeat it enough it will sink in. Elain is far too good for me. She's incredibly thoughtful, generous, secretly funny yet utterly forbidden. Rhys warned me to stay clear of her the first time he caught me staring at her completely bewitched. He told me that she belonged with someone like Lucien Vanserra. The implication being, not someone like me. My fists clench at my sides. I disagree, but Rhys made it perfectly clear that he wouldn’t support my pursuit of her. I don’t need his blessing but I wish I had it all the same. It isn't lost on me that despite his claims that I'm like a brother to him, he doesn’t trust me, not truly. I tell myself it's because of my job. My line of work is dangerous and at times unstable. I never put down roots and have a complicated past. Everyone looks at me and assumes the worst. Elain doesn't, she has never balked or been afraid of me. But, I can't help but feel Rhys is right. Being close to Windhaven, near the dark past I try so hard to escape, brings back those feelings of worthlessness. I need to move, to run, to shake loose these incessant thoughts. I change into some running shorts and sneakers and head out the door. I hear the sound of my feet pounding the pavement. The rhythm echoing the onslaught of thoughts I can’t seem to control. I think of Windhaven, home to the Illyrian community I was born in. That dump always brings back memories of my father, his cruelty. My feet hit the ground even harder as the memories come back. His blood stained clothes. The way his men cowered from him. The way he used me as an outlet for his frustrations. How he used his power as the local mob boss to bribe town officials and take custody from my mother. How he locked me away so he didn’t have to face his bastard son. The call to CPS, the years in foster care. Feeling tossed aside over and over again until Rhys’s mother took me in. 

I watch as the town folk gape as I run by, feeling like the monster I am. My steps pounding harder and harder into the ground. I remember the look on my adoptive father's face when she brought me home. The smirk of satisfaction when he realized whose son I was. The realization that I had traded one abuser for another. This one just used me in a different way, honed me into a weapon to attack his enemies. Trained me to torture out confessions and beat up his rivals. The jealousy I felt when I realized Rhys and Cassian weren’t asked to do such things. The shame that followed. How I can never admit to them what I did. I suck in a deep pained breath as the bitterness seeps in. I, and I alone, was singled out. I thought it was because I was special, that he favored me. But, that's the kind of naive and wishful thinking only a child of abuse could delude themselves into believing. As an adult, I see that he recognized that there was something about me that wouldn't push back. Maybe he saw the darkness in me. Maybe it was because he knew I was more vulnerable. Either way I was willing to do what he wanted and that led me to where I am today. I stop on the street corner and suck in lungfuls of air trying to tamp down on the rage I feel. My eye catches on the pink building to my left. It’s her bakery. Her perfect little storefront. Of course I ran to her. I squeeze my eyes shut. Feeling the ache in my chest. Elain deserves someone better, someone safe. But no matter how hard I fight my feelings for her, I simply can't keep away. I mutter a prayer and take off, running again. Desperately trying to chase the thoughts away.

--------------------------------------------------------

I’ve been in the town for one day and I’ve already drawn too much attention from the small community. The owner of the bed and breakfast I'm staying at follows me as I come and go like I might steal her collection of doilies. Then there were the panicked looks of pedestrians on my morning run. I thought I was just being paranoid but people literally took cover into their homes and closed the blinds as if I was the villain from a horror film. It’s like the sight of me sent a shock wave across Hewn Hills, at least that's what Feyre tells me as I sip a cup of tea on the couch at her townhouse. She is in Hewn Hills for an art exhibition and I naively thought it would be comforting to see a friend. “I've gotten no less than six phone calls this morning asking me about Rhysand’s bank robbing friend who ran through town naked.” I cough into my tea. 

“Really Azriel? You had to go shirtless?” She says with a mischievous smirk on her face. 

I hide my annoyance behind a bland expression, something I have mastered over years of practice. “I always run shirtless when it's hot out.” 

Feyre gives me a pitying look. “If you're going to stay in Hewn Hills, you need to be more aware of what you do. Everyone knows everyone and they will watch a newcomer like a hawk.”

A frustrating realization but it’s worth it, if it means I get to be near Elain. “Lucien says the town council plans to meet and discuss a new ordinance on public indecency.” I fight back a sneer, I want to bring up how her so called friend rudely ditched her sister but think better of it. “I will wear a shirt next time.” Feyre plays with the ring on her finger. “Rhys told me you are here for a job. He didn't clarify what that meant. I hope you are being safe and not dragging your work into my hometown.” I bite back a retort, my job isn't up for discussion. I only ever confide in my brother's about my job because I assume they will keep quiet. But, I guess getting married changed that. 

My role as an undercover agent for the FBI's organized crime unit is a closely guarded secret, known only to a select few within my unit, my brothers and Mor. I have immersed myself in the criminal underground capitalizing on my father's reputation as a brutal mob boss. My cover is vital not only to do my job but for the safety of the handful of people I hold dear. I move constantly from one case to the next, under the alias of Shadowsinger , a notorious weapons dealer to the criminal underground. I am proud I have maintained my cover for so long. I don’t want it blown because Rhys can’t keep his mouth shut. Being a double agent is risky enough without my brother making it a part of his pillow talk. 

Maybe coming here is a mistake . 

I’ve spent most of my life around mobsters. As an agent, I’ve infiltrated gangs, cults, extremist groups and even domestic terrorist organizations. As a teen, I was a low level mobster. As an agent I’ve witnessed horrible crimes and on occasion participated in those crimes to maintain my cover. In many ways I am a criminal. This assignment, with an up and coming criminal organization, represents a chance for me to take it easy. While the job will still carry significant risk, it pales in comparison to the cartel and mob scenes I have grown accustomed to navigating. In that sense, this opportunity feels almost like a vacation, a chance to recharge.

“I'm not working in your hometown, but in Windhaven. I'm opting to stay in Hewn Hills because Windhaven is a shithole.” Feyre laughs. “That it is, though Cassian enjoys it well enough.” I almost smile. Cassian was born in Windhaven, like me, but doesn't share the same animosity for the town as I do. “Whatever reason you are here, I’m just glad to see you. We miss you Az.” Feyre looks so sincere and even a little nervous as she continues, “you could join us for our monthly dinner. Everyone will be there and it would mean so much to us if you could make it.” 

“Text me the details and I’ll see what I can do.” She gives me a half smile, clearly disappointed by my non committal answer. Today has been more frustrating than I imagined and the only person I want to see is the same one I should avoid. 

Elain

I’m exhausted, it’s been a long frustrating day. I opened the bakery at 7am, as I do every weekday. Which means I usually wake up at 5am to prepare and bake for the day ahead. Thankfully my apartment is located above the bakery which I adore. I live in a historic stand alone building on main street. I have the only building with its own private courtyard in the back where I grow my favorite flowers for table arrangements. I also grow my own herbs to make scones, focaccia, compound butters and more. But, today was longer than normal because of the town council meeting. That mischievous look Pauline and Bernadette shared led to a call to Lucien which led to the town meeting a few hours later to discuss, “Mr. Naked.” My hopes for it leading nowhere were quickly dashed when Lucien learned that the subject of the scandal was Azriel. He ran the meeting as if the moral sanctity of the town hinged on Azrail's exposed nipples. I wanted to intervene but I knew my protestations would have only encouraged the town's uproar. Sweet Lainey shouldn't be subjected to such virility. I wish that was the first time that statement had been taken down in the town council’s meeting minutes but it wasn't. 

Turns out Lucien is more than a little bitter Azriel had intruded on our miserable date. Pauline demanded a citizens watch to patrol for naked vagrants. The crowd of women who volunteered for the task was truly overwhelming. Lucien seemed to regret humoring Pauline, when the wave of women nearly knocked him over. But, it was already too late. He had to turn down most of the women who volunteered. 

Thanks to Pauline and Bernadette, I missed my usual closing routine which means I’m making up for lost time and cramming it in before bed. Such is the life of a small business owner and town leader. After cleaning the dining area and laminating dough for croissants, I decided to refresh the flower arrangements for the bistro tables. The best part is I get to tend to the garden at dusk, my favorite time of day. It's late summer so the fireflies are out and glowing. The sunset is painted in muted shades of pink and blue pastels. A gentle breeze helps cool me off. I load my favorite wicker basket with roses, zinnias, and rudbeckia. I walk back into the shop and clear off my counter to prep the stems for cutting. I turn on my favorite playlist, an eclectic mix of 70s rock, 90s grunge and rap. No one would suspect me of being a die hard gangster rap fan but I am. I once left my playlist queued up instead of the regular lofi beats for the shop. When m.A.D.d city started playing at 7am, Pauline nearly called 911. I blamed Cassian, the lie readily on my tongue and across my lips as if it was easier than breathing. I smile to myself remembering the way Pauline leered at Cassian even more after that. 

I hear the front door bell jingle, look up and smile. “Well if it isn't Mr. Naked in the flesh,” Azriel stops, his expression unreadable save for the tiny wrinkles forming around his eyes. “You know, I should report you to the citizen watch but as Josie said at the town council meeting, “if you got it flaunt.” Azriel tips his head back, letting out a hearty laugh that swells my heart with pride. He so rarely laughs but when he does it is like the moon shining on the darkest night. His smile lingers as he groans slightly, “please tell me you're joking.” I give him my most pitying look, “I wish I could but unfortunately you have made quite the impression. Pauline suggested a sketch artist for accuracy, but the motion failed by one vote.” His laughter resumes, a rich melody that makes me feel warm inside. He hums, “Let me guess Mayor Vanserra was the deciding vote.” I scoff, “no, he abstained citing impartiality.” I say, rolling my eyes. “If you must know it was actually Dr. Madja who warned Pauline that she had a heart condition and repeated exposure to scandalous images might weaken her constitution. Then Bernadette suggested that was even more of a reason to do it, which resulted in Lucien having to strike the record after Pauline's curse laden tirade.” 

He walks closer to the counter watching me mindlessly strip leaves and cut stems to the right height, “This town is insane.” I nod, that was putting it mildly. “Don't worry Feyre told me to cover myself in the future.” I sat up a little straighter, “you visited Feyre?” He nods as he roams around the bakery. His scarred fingers grazing table tops, eyes roaming over the collection of art hanging on the wall. I framed some of Feyre's paintings, and purchased antique lithographs from my favorite flea market in Windhaven. My shop, which I named, “Petals” has a rosy cozy cottage vibe to it. It looks like I have always dreamed it would. The Victorian style building was painted pink with climbing roses whimsically draping the storefront. It looks like something from a fairy tale. I continue my work, trying not to follow his every move. He is dressed in dark jeans, a leather jacket and black boots. His hair is deliciously tousled in a careless manner as if windswept. I fight the urge to join him just so I can run my fingers through his dark hair. He stops in front of me, his hands braced on the counter leaning toward me. I spot the rose tattoo covering his scarred hand. A simple but artfully designed bloom. “Beautiful,” I breathe. My eyes shoot to his and I swear a faint blush blooms on his cheeks. He is being shy which is adorable. He is easily over six feet tall and over 200 lbs. It’s hard to imagine a man like him being shy about anything. But, he always seems a bit bashful to me, despite how others perceive him. Azriel strikes me as someone who hates attention, especially praise, like he doesn't know what to do with it. “I didn't expect you to be working so late,” he says, waking me from my thoughts. “I'm normally not, but I lost time with the town council meeting.” He pulls up a stool and sits across from me, “I see. I'm sorry my sudden urge to streak has derailed your day. Can I help?” Before I can answer he is bundling flowers in his hand forming a bouquet. I watch with wonder in my eyes. “Did you grow these?” He asks casually. I swallow the lump in my throat. “Yes, I have a garden out back.” He nods, “you should show it to me… when it's not dark out that is.” I smile, “I'd like that.” We work in comfortable silence for the next half hour. As he finishes up a bundle of flowers I ask, “where did you learn to do that?” He places his flawless arrangement in a vase and starts a new one. “My mother loves to garden, she taught me. I didn't see her much growing up, but when I did she would teach me about flowers and would tell me fairy tales.” I smile, picturing a small Azriel listening intently to stories about winged beasts and the woes of bargaining with pointy eared mischief makers. 

He seems different when it is just the two of us together, like he is sharing a part of him that he shares with no one else. It makes me feel special, that I am someone he feels safe with. It makes sense, because I feel safe with him too. As if he sees me as my own person. Not just Feyre and Nesta’s sister. Not innocent Lainey. But a woman. Someone worth his time and attention. It makes me feel bold, like I can do or be anything if only I choose to. He catches me staring. Our eyes meet, his are full of yearning and heat. I feel warmth rise in my cheeks. I should look away but I don't want to. I never want to look away. His eyes drop to my mouth and on instinct I slid my tongue out to wet them. He drops the rudbeckia stem he’s holding and quickly looks away. I smile a small victorious smile and return to my work. This is a game we sometimes play. Who will crack first under the jolt of electricity we seem to share. Usually, I lose but not tonight. I needed a victory. 

I tidy up the discarded plant debris on the table as he reaches for the broom, “oh you don't have to,” I say reaching for the broom. He shakes his head, “I want to.” It dawns on me that Azriel is nothing like the criminal the town fears. He isn't even cold and aloof the way Rhysand is prone to describe him. He is misunderstood. Sure, he has an edge to him but he is also so kind and thoughtful. A paradox. The more time I spend with Azirel the more I want to unravel the mystery of him. I wonder if he is as lonely as I am. If he hates the way others perceive him. If he wears that cold mask like armor, the way I wear a smile. Afraid to show others who truly is, afraid it won’t be enough. 

I am officially done with all my closing tasks and a bitter sense of dread hits me. I want an excuse to spend more time with him but have none. He hands me the broom and I tuck it away. I turn off my playlist and turn to him as he walks toward the door. “Thank you for helping me.” He nods, “anytime.” I escort him to the door, it's dark out with nothing but street lamps and stars for light. Main street is quiet without another living soul around. I notice the motorcycle he is walking toward, parked to the side of my shop. Hidden from view from the main thoroughfare. I gasp, “is that yours?” He smiles, “yes, a fan of motorcycles?” He seems amused as if the idea of me on a motorcycle is funny. I don't know why but it hurts. My face falls. I suppose it is silly. He notices the change and offers, “this is my favorite bike.” I nod, “it makes sense you would like a Harley, it's a classic.” He gives me another one of those brilliant smiles. “The preferred bike of the Hells Angels,” I add. His eyes widened in surprise, “You know about Hells Angels?” I shrug, “I binged watched Sons of Anarchy awhile ago and sort of went down a biker gang rabbit hole.” I walk up to the bike and run my hand across the leather seat, “I imagine riding is a lot like flying.” I look at him, a soft expression on his face as he replies, “There is nothing like it, hearing the song of the wind.” I smile, “that's very beautiful. Maybe you could take me for a ride the next time you’re in town?” He reaches around me to grab his helmet off the handlebar, his rough fingertips grazing my arm as he says. “I'm staying in town for the next few months.” I can’t help but grin, happy to hear he  will be in Hewn Hills. He notices and smiles back at me, even wider. He leans in brushing his lips against the shell of my ear, “I’d take you for a ride anytime,” I feel his warm breath on the shell of my ear. I blush at the implication, my voice coming out quiet as I breathe, “I'd like that.” He pulls away and straddles the bike, his long muscular legs draped along the sides. He walks the bike back toward the street. He straps on his helmet and wishes me goodnight. I stand there watching him go as I try to catch my breath.  

[wellthebardsdead]

Clockwork heart pt2

Part 1 here

———

Urag: *shuffles into the main hall of the Collage, little Wyrm safe in his arms, holding onto his book and looking around the new space in wonder with his one eye* okay pup, let’s get you cleaned up and fed and I’ll try to find some clothes for you to-

???: Urag there you are what took you so- oh my.

Wyrm: *looks up to see an old dunmer standing before them, staring at him in surprise* …mm… *nervously hides his face in Urags chest seeing him now as his safety blanket*

Urag: Arch mage Deneth, I’m sorry for the delay I… picked up something else besides the book delivery.

Arch Mage Deneth: well I can see that. This is highly irresponsible of you curator. The collage isn’t a safe place for children.

Urag: and neither is leaving him to freeze to death outside… he wants to learn. I promise I’ll keep him out of everyone’s way. He’ll be my responsibility…

Arch Mage Deneth: *looks at him then at the pitiful boy, feeling his heart hurt at the sight of him* … *sighs* very well. I’ll have the cook bring up something for him. I presume he’ll be staying in the arcanum with you then?

Urag: yes, I’ll keep him from bothering the students too.

Arch Mage Deneth: good… and I’ll find something warm for him to wear…… *sighs* where’s Tolfdir he’ll need to run to the store and buy toys for him too- *wanders off*

Urag: *smiles seeing the arch mage just as charmed with his ward as he is* No need to be afraid of him pup. He just looks mean. *Carries him up the stairs and into the arcanum, heart nearly bursting watching the boy light up as he sees all the books* welcome home.

Wyrm: y-you read all this???

Urag: oh yes.

Wyrm: th-there, m-must be evewy book in th-the w-world here!

Urag: oh no, there’s still a lot yet to be discovered, knowledge lost to the ages and knowledge yet to be transcribed. *sets him down and looks him over* but reading is for later. Right now. You need a bath.

Wyrm: *thinking he’s about to be dunked into a bucket of cold water like he was at the orphanage* … *suddenly turns and runs* NO BAFF!!

Urag: I- Hey come back!!! You’re covered in flees you need a bath!!!

*a few hours later after a hot bath and a warm meal*

Wyrm: *yawning softly as he’s tucked into Urags bed, the orc laying down beside him and teaching him to read his tenth book in a row* and the d-dwa- *yawns* gon, fell… fell… *hugs his book like it’s a teddy bear as his eyes grow heavy*

Urag: and the dragon fell from on high, and rested its eyes, in a blissful and long sleep. *smiles watching the boy fall asleep safe and sound* goodnight pup… *looks at the old book in the kids grasp, wondering if he should move it but deciding not to, deciding it should be his choice if and when he’s ready to be without it* sleep tight… *tucks him in and slips from the bed, shuffling out to his desk to curate the newest book arrivals but stopping as he spots a Pearl a student had exchanged for a book* … *sits down and rummages through his desk finding his old tool kit he’d sometimes use to restore or even make books with* hard to read with only one eye… lets see if I can make him a new one… *picks up the Pearl and starts carving it into the shape of a young dunmers eye*

*80 Years or so later*

Urag: *now old and grey but thanks to his arcane prowess, still sticking around for a long time. Quietly stamping returned books off on his list* the real bar-

*SLAM!*

Wyrm: *now a young mer in his 86th year, long silver hair down to his feet, handsome, full of life and the heart of the collage of winterhold, and sporting a prosthetic arm made from scrap he fashioned together and the Pearl eye his father had made him all those years ago. Now standing in the doorway with a feral excitement that only comes to him once every few months* THE CARTS HERE! ITS BOOK DAYYYYY!!!

Urag: I- son the book cart won’t be here until- and he’s gone… *watches the dunmers hair disappear out the door as he runs down the stairs* …I’m not expecting any deliveries… why would a cart be arriving to the collage?…

*Meanwhile*

Wyrm: *dressed in a beautiful cloak Miss Ervine had gifted him a few winters ago, now running through the courtyard greeting the professors he bumps into before running across the bridge lighting the beacons as he goes* Faralda! Good morning!

Faralda: *jumps and looks back to see the ball of energy running towards her* Wyrm! Good morning! Why so excited today?

Wyrm: The book carts here!! I wonder if they have anything new!

Faralda: I? Book cart? Sweetie that’s a carriage not t- and he’s gone. *watches him run off into the village*

Wyrm: *running through the snow with giddy excitement, hoping to finally get some new reading material after devouring every book in the arcanum hundreds of times over, only to stop a few feet from it as he sees it to be a transport carriage instead of the book cart or khajiit caravans* huh?… *blinks seeing a tall, imposing figure step from the carriage, an Altmer male dressed in dominion robes with a handsome face and a deceptively charming smile cast towards the young mer*

Ancano: Well then, I wasn’t expecting an escort to the collage gates, never mind such a lovely looking young mer~

Wyrm: *mood immediately souring into disgust and disappointment, holding an extreme resentment towards the thalmor for their known erasure of knowledge and frequent habits of book burning* Ugh. *huffs and turns storming off leaving the high elf standing there bewildered as to how he could’ve pissed him off so badly upon first greeting*

Faralda: *looks up to see Wyrm approaching looking more annoyed than crestfallen like she was expecting him to be* Wyrm? Are you okay-

Wyrm: No I’m going to beat Savos to death with a stoneflesh tome to get it through his thick skull how stupid he is for inviting the dominion here!!

Faralda: I- why stoneflesh specifically? *watches him go by and over the bridge*

Wyrm: *voice echoing in the distance as he screams* Because it’s the only book as thick as his head!!

*a few hours later*

Wyrm: *nestled in some pillows among the bookshelves reading and looking visibly annoyed*

Urag: *walks over placing his lunch on the table next to him* You’ve been grumbling to yourself since you got back.

Wyrm: ughh. *closes his book* why’d the arch mage let the dominion come here?! This is stormcloak territory they shouldn’t be allowed to set foot here!

Urag: because the dominion not so subtly threatened to have us destroyed if we didn’t comply. Stating it’s in their best interest that they know exactly what goes on within these walls and to ensure we’re not conducting anything that’d go against the concordat.

Wyrm: they just want to know if we have anything powerful they can steal and burn books they don’t agree with. *huffs and gets up joining his father at the table*

Urag: and he can deal with me if he even attempts to. *grunts sitting down* Fret not son, luck willing, he’ll be gone in a few months.

Wyrm: *pouts* Savos is a coward. Arch Mage Deneth would’ve never allowed this…

Urag: I agree but, he’s in charge and we just have to live with his decision.

Wyrm: I’ll just hide in my room until he leaves… *pouts and pokes at his food*

Urag: like you usually do anyway.

Wyrm: that’s only when I have a project to work on and I don’t have enough parts to make what I want to! I had to repair my arm using the spine of a quill papa!

Urag: I’ll get you more dwemer scraps soon and you can do whatever you want with them. But I’m still standing by my decision. You’re not exploring dwemer ruins.

Wyrm: but papa I’m nearly 100! I know plenty of magic I can-

Urag: hold up a ward spell to save your life either. You may be good with alteration and destruction magic son, but you’re not equipped to face what’s inside those death traps. The deep elves may be gone but their machines and the remnants of the falmer remain.

Wyrm: but I’ll be careful I just need to gather some parts I need that I could make out from my book and-

Urag: I said no Wyrm!

Wyrm: *jumps, ears tucking back and posture looking like that of a child being scolded* yes papa… *looks at his food and quietly picks it up taking it to his room* I won’t ask anymore…

Urag: *sighs watching him go, not liking having to raise his voice but knowing his son would definitely get killed if he tried exploring a ruin on his own* I’ll find you the parts you want pup, I promise…

[crystalelemental]

Off-type clears, using some of my favorite garbage strikers (and Shauntal). I regret my decisions.

Vs. Bruno Iris sucks so bad, man. I initially tried this again Koga. Didn't work because that fucker users special sync. So, Bruno it is. Honestly this went a lot smoother. Which is odd. I feel like this stage is legitimately just easier, despite being for one of the easiest types to shop for, while the Flying-weak stage is like...an unending nightmare.

Vs. Karen I've done this team comp before, but this time Caitlin's accuracy boosts have a purpose: to offset Karen's shit. Pretty clean win, though hilariously Colress missed six accuracy debuffs. Buddy...60%.

Vs. Koga Alright, Clair to the rescue. This fight is annoying because of Silver Wind having such a huge chance to boost all stats, and the hilariously intense discrepancy between center and sides. Sides are brutally strong against physical attacks, while Koga's stupid good against special. As a result, most of Clair's damage is fairly pitiful, but once past that, she's able to truck sides. You just have to not die. Which is harder than you'd think, despite Kris.

Vs. Will You want to be depressed? I brought Bede because an option like P!Dawn wasn't enough, we'd still all die to first sync, and Valerie sure as hell isn't clearing before then. So it had to be Bede, to manage the need for special defense drops. Bede's DPS outpaces Valerie's. By like. A lot. On a support based grid. I didn't use his Max Move, but it would've obliterated center while Valerie was still chipping away for like 1800 damage, this after a Support EX sync, her own sync, -6 special defense, and having full HP and +6 special defense for all 70% of her multipliers. Even sync was only like 8k. They did Valerie awful.

Vs. Lance And then there's this shithead. Initially, this was SC Jasmine. Because I seem to forget every time that his sync is physical. Once remembered, I figured it's fine, Lucian has him debuffed to hell. It is not fine as it turns out! Even with SS Dawn's swap in, survival required adjusting parameters, taking off all Power on Hit parameters and the boost from sync, and putting on HP +80%. Oh, and don't forget he throws up Crit Shield before sync. So that's great. The main draws of this were twofold. One, Shauntal's DPS still two-shot sides very cleanly, despite +80% HP and off-type. That is bananas. Two, even with all that she couldn't possibly perform enough damage to beat Dragonite, so Lucian had to sync, and wouldn't you know it the reset to no attack drops seriously limits him too. It's like this stage was designed to annoy the team I brought.

Final Thoughts There are some very annoying aspects to this week. Karen's evasion, Koga's mismatched defensive profiles, Lance's split special DPS/physical sync. Things that feel like they usually handle it just fine suddenly did not at all.

I think the big issue is just...I might be burning out on the game slightly. The gameplay can still be fun, but sometimes these runs feel stale, and Gauntlet more a chore. It doesn't help that the majority of events this year have been...uninteresting. I don't exactly have high hopes for anniversary either. Depending on how next month goes, I might work to pull back a bit on this. It's just not as fun as it used to be.

[yrluvjane]

Sometimes things get Sirius

Sirius Black x fem!reader

(There is some slightly mature language to this.)

You grimaced as the pink and purple goo fell all over you and began spilling to the ground. You knew the glittery substance would take hours if not days to get out of your hair and uniform.

As the crowd around you began laughing loudly, you wiped some of the goo off your eyes and swiveled towards the four infamous boys, who have made the past four years hell for you.

You had believed that they would stop since it is your sixth year and they would be busy studying just like you and everyone else in their grade. However, it seems as though no amount of work and punishment could stop the mischievous boys from pranking others- and by others you mean you.

The four leaned back on the stone walls of the castle, falling over each other as they fell into hysterical laughter. “Oh merlin! I-I can't breathe.” James huffed out as he clutched his stomach.

“Oh I’ll make sure you lose the ability to breathe at all!” You snapped tripping once or twice while making your way to them, which only fueled your anger more. “You gotta admit, Y/n....That was fucking hilarious.” Sirius says and he high-fives the rest of his stupid group.

“Well I hope you'll find it hilarious when I choke the life out of you!” Shouting you lunged at Sirius, but before you could even touch him, light blue ropes held you back, and stuck you to the ground.

“What is going on?!” McGonagall's voice rings out the corridor, silencing all the students. Her eyes find your sparkling figure (as if it was hard to miss, you looked like a bloody pink disco ball) and then found the four troublesome boys.

“Run!” James shouts. He breaks into sprint, following by the three as McGonagall shouts out them. You knew even if McGonagall didn't let them off and decided to scold them and give them detention; all her words would go into one ear and out the other barely passing their brains (If they even have those).

“EVERYONE BACK TO CLASS!” McGonagall shouts as the crowd disperses leaving only you and her in the hallway. With a wave of her wand the blue roped disappear allowing you to freely move. You try to wipe some of the goo off but it doesn't work. You sigh tiredly, and somehow you feel helpless and small.

“Oh I'm sorry, dear.” The transfiguration Professor says. She tries to cast a cleaning spell on you but it doesn't work. As if The Marauders would let you off easily.

“Don't bother; I have been trying that for the past four years. I think I've memorized every cleaning spell there ever was.”

“I truly do apologi-”

“Its fine, Professor. Can I can take the rest of the day off, please?” You asked and were slightly happy when she agrees. The moment she leaves you begin making your way to the second floor bathroom, where you know no one is going to be there, considering the fact it was out of order, and was haunted by Moaning Myrtle.

Who better than a ghost to join your pity party? You thought sarcastically.

So for next two hours, you tried to get most of the thick and sticky slime of you as you ranted and rambled to Myrtle, who you found out, was a very good listener. “Why?! Why is it always me?! I have never not been nice to any of them!” You complained as tried peel some out of your skirt but only kept stretching the more you pulled.

“God…” You sighed as you gave up and looked at yourself in the mirror; even after hours of work you were still 80%  slime. Most of the slime was on your head, which meant you currently had pink hair that sparkled in the sunlight. You silently hoped that if the marauders saw you later your hair would blind them.

“Boys, I never liked them anyway. I always found them so mean and judging, they too liked to pick on me, the girls too. Although I can’t say my bullies were as…creative as yours.” Myrtle said in her hollow and eerie voice, floating behind you, looking you up and down.

“Oh I’m sorry Myrtle; I didn’t mean to bring up unhappy memories.”

“No it’s fine. It’s actually nice to have someone to talk too. Almost no one comes here, and when they do they never come back.” The dead girl said, she sighed and floated to her little window then look down at you from up there. “Will you come back?”

“I’ll try too, I’m usually quite busy with my N.E.W.T’s and all but if I’m free and have no studies to finish, I’ll come.” You said with a small smile that was met with big and happy one. “Oh how lovely, you should hurry up and finish, there isn’t long to lunch.”

“Thanks, Myrtle. Have fun alright, try talking to other ghosts. Maybe you’ll make friends.”

“Maybe…Have a good day or the rest of it anyway.”

You slumped you way back to the Gryffindor common, which made you: became the gossip to all of the portraits, Peeves new favorite victim, Filch’s latest catch and last but not least the laughing stock of any passing Ghosts and students.

Thank you, Marauders.

Apparently you looked so horrifying that Isabelle, the fat lady, let out a gasp so loud and sharp it woke any and every portrait that were hung on the large four tower walls that surrounded the staircases.

And as if your day got any worse, you were personally welcomed by The Marauders themselves.

“Wow, Y/n you look great! Do something to your hair?” Sirius says with a smirk as those scattered around the common room laughed.

“Thanks, Sirius…I’ll just go.” You replied, too tired to deal with any of them anymore.

“Oh but the fun hasn’t even started yet!” Remus shouts as you walk up the stairs gaining more attention than you hoped for.

“Oh God, I heard about what happened I just didn’t think it was this bad.” You turned around and faced your best friend and roommate, Dorcus, with a sad smile.

“Hey, how was Charms?”

“Tiring, I took notes for you.”

“Thanks, Dor… Wait, what are you even doing here? Shouldn’t you have Divination right now?”

“Not yet, Trelawney said some of us could ‘suffer great danger’ if we went now, the class was postponed an hour or so. Come; let’s get this stuff of you.”

So you had spent the rest of the day, running around the castle trying to find Professor Slughorn and Madam Promfrey.

To say you were exhausted the next day was an understatement.

Not only did you feel like shit, because of all the potions you ingested; but Professor Sinstra, the Astrology teacher, decided to have a pop quiz and then decided to pair you up with non-other Sirius Fucktard Black.

"I really have to, love. You look Gorgeous, stunning even. Done something new? Blush? Lipstick?... Hair?" He tried to hide a snort as he suggested the last word.

You silently glared at him with the heat of a thousand suns. "I know I'm breathtaking but it's still rude to stare." He said, with his smug face, which looked quite punchable at the moment.

You huffed and turned facing the other side. You angrily stared at the map under you. While astronomers saw rabbits, cats and lions, you saw a pan, an upside-down spoon and a triangle with hair.

You sighed running your hands down your face. Next thing you know the whole class was laughing. You looked up trying to figure out what they were laughing at only to realize it was you.

They were laughing at you.

Because someone had changed the natural color of your hair to the most vibrant shade of red.

You clutched the strands of your hair and looked up seeing Sirius's wand in your direction.

You slammed your head against the table and groaned as Professor Sinstra start to scold Sirius, who didn't even bother to pretend to pay attention.

"Y/n, darling, I have to say-" He began but stopped short once he saw you.

You had pulled out a hair claw, twisted you hair and clasped it.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at you with a suspicious look. You met his eyes and shook your head. "What?" You asked as Professor Sinstra finally managed to silence the class.

"What are you doing?" Sirius replied furrowing his brows at you.

"Nothing. Let's finish this; I've got a thing later."

"What type of 'thing'?"

"The 'None of your business' type of thing."

Even though you got back to your work, you felt Sirius's eyes burn a hole through your head the entire day.

The next day you had a bucket of ice water drench you just as you were leaving for breakfast.

The day after, someone had swapped all your writing ink with squid ink.

Then someone charmed all your notes into paper planes.

And today your quills mysteriously turned into birds in transfiguration.

And by 'someone' you meant The Marauders. But with every prank a part of you began building an immunity of sorts.

You stopped caring. It would only last a year or so. You thought. You'd graduate in a year and you'd never have to see their stupid, arrogant faces.

So what if you got drenched, you'll dry.

If they switched your writing ink to squid, you could switch it back.

If they transfigured your stuff you could just reverse it.

You sat on your bed, dressed in pastel blue pajamas with five books scattered in front of you.

You sighed, looking down on your notes (which you had to rewrite) then staring up to your reflection in the wardrobe mirror.

Tired and distracted you decided to get some fresh air. It was around 11, your roommate was asleep snuggled in a large soft-looking blanket.

You piled your books over the nightstand and slipped on your slippers. You tip-toed down the stairs quietly avoiding making sound as much as possible.

The last thing you needed to top of your week was getting caught sneaking out after curfew.

The breezy night provided a beautiful and much -needed change of atmosphere. In the night with swaying trees and the sound of waves, you felt un-caged.

For the first time this year, you didn't feel worried or stressed or sad or as though you failed in life.

You felt free.

You walked around the edge of the forest for a while before deciding to head to the lake.

But the more you walked, the more you had this weird feeling someone was watching you.

You sat across the lake throwing small rocks at it, watching as they made small circular waves.

The castle was a good distance now, which meant there was an almost impossible chance someone would know sneaked out.

You took a deep breath, inhaling the salty and earth-y yet refreshing scent of your surroundings.

As you stared up at the crescent moon, you thought of your future life. You wanted to become an Unspeakable. But because Unspeakables weren’t allowed to speak of their job or life (Hence the name) you didn’t know what to take.

So you were faced to take all the O.W.L’s and all N.E.W.T’s, which caused multiple challenges and problems for you. You had to study most of your subjects on your own, since you couldn’t actually attend all the classes and that led to you not being able to go to Hogsmede or hang out with your friends.

There had once been a period were you were so stressed that you skipped meals and barely ate and ended up unconscious as you left the common room. Ironically, it had been Sirius Black that found you and carried you all the way to Madam Promfrey and called Professor McGonagall.

According to Poppy, Sirius had spent the whole night at the infirmary, refusing to leave; even when McGonagall threatened him with various detentions.

When you found out you were shocked and thought this was his way of turning over a new leaf, However; that went down the drain when he and his little group thought it’d be funny to hide your stuff all around the castle.

Your thoughts were abruptly frozen when you heard a noise come from the forest. It was so dark that you could barely make out the branches of some of the trees. You cursed yourself for forgetting your wand.

You narrowed your eyes at the sound, trying to focus your vision to make out a shadow of the being that was intruding on your ‘me time’, as the Muggles say.

You raised your palm, ready to cast a wandless incendio if anything dangerous came out. You weren’t exactly frightened, you came to this spot a lot and so Hagrid gave you a few private lessons on all the main things to know about the forests.

The dark figure was getting closer and you narrowed your eyes further, daring them to come closer.

“Hello, gorgeous,” Sirius Black says with his infamous smirk as he walks out of the shadows, like a level 10 psychopath.

“What are you doing here?!” You whisper-shouted at the boy. “Have you gone insane?! I was two seconds away from roasting you!” You say outraged as he calmly sits down next you, legs stretched, leaning back on his palms.

“Lovely night, isn’t it?”

You stared at his face with wide eyes before you threw your hands up in the air in defeat.

“Yeah, it’s a great night.” You said sarcastically.

“This is what a guy gets when he tries to be nice.”

“Nice?” You scoffed, “I think it would physically kill you to try and be civil let alone nice.”

“Is it so hard for you to believe that I can be nice? Yeah, I know. I can be a twat. And I don’t always want to prank you-”

“Then why do it?”

“Because it’s the only way I can get your attention?” He said looking at you as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“I’m sorry?”

“Ever since third year, where you chose all the classes, which I didn’t even think was possible, you been like a ghost. You’re either in class, in the library or in your room. And even when you’re in the great hall you’re like a mindless zombie.” He turns to you, his eyes boring into yours with sadness roaming in them.

“Remember in first and second year, where you actually spoke to us. When you went to our games or you hanged out with us in the courtyard or helped us with our homework. Where’s that Y/n? At first we thought of the prank as nothing but a joke, hoping you would come back.”

You swallowed, not expecting how this conversation turned out. “You left and never came back. You left us after you promised you wouldn’t…you left me.”

“Sirius…” You took a few seconds to look into his eyes, getting lost in the depths of his grey orbs. Your face is inches from Sirius’. You find yourself completely captured by his gaze, eyes boring into you and holding you prisoner, refusing to release you from the trance you’re in.

You felt guilty and sad and there was another emotion swirling in the pit of your chest. You couldn’t help but truly look at him. This was Sirius. He looked so vulnerable, so open. Even if you haven’t had a civil conversation with him in years.

You knew Sirius had his mask on. Always.

A mask of happiness even when he was sad.

A mask of courage even if he was scared.

A mask of safety even when he was hurt.

But this Sirius, the one in front of you, was mask less. He looked broken, sad and hurt. And somehow it pushed you back to second year. Right after the sorting, you remembered Sirius crying and whimpering on the ground.

You remembered cleaning the wounds his father caused, you remember him telling you he was threatened to not speak a word to his brother, that if he did his little brother would suffer worse.

You remembered holding Sirius the whole night promising you will never leave.

You remembered promising yourself you’ll never let Sirius feel like this again.

When you looked up at him again he was much closer than he was before. Your nose was brushing his as his eyes settled on your lips before facing yours once more. You were sharing breaths and you were gasping softly, both of your breaths felt as if they weighed a hundred tons.

“Can I kiss you?” he whispers, wetting his lips with his tongue.

“Please,” you breathe, already leaning in.

Fireworks exploded in your head as your lips meet his; he keeps a firm but gentle grip on your face, a great contrast to the kiss, which was heated and desperate.

You let yourself be carried away by the moment, losing yourself in his mouth and in the warmth of his body next to yours. Without parting your lips with his, you climb on top of Sirius swiftly, hiding your fingers in his hair. His hands were quick to rub your thighs up and down eagerly.

“Y/n!” he moaned into your mouth.

Sirius planted a kiss on your neck. It started as something innocent, a mere brush of his lips on your skin, but it intensified as the seconds passed.

His lips caressed every inch of skin within reach, sucking and biting delicately until they left marks that would not disappear quickly. You closed your eyes enjoying the waves of electricity that coursed through your body at his assault on your skin.

Your grip on his hair tightened and he let out a low moan that vibrated against your neck and went straight to your core.

Sirius' wet kisses trailed up your throat until they reached your mouth, where he joined your lips once more in a desperate kiss. He trapped your upper lip between his, his tongue exploring your mouth expertly.

And so you got lost in Sirius, you fell and fell deep; entranced by his stormy eyes and suffocating lips.

 The light hit your lidded eyes, beckoning them open. You turned to your side desperate for more sleep. You tried to fall back into your dream a deep chuckling caught your ears. You snapped your eyes open, horrified when you saw Sirius laying next you, shirtless and a smile on his face.

“Morning.” He said but your head was still in shock. You blinked stupidly and tried to desperately remember what happened last night. You sat up quickly rubbing your eyes only to realize you were only in your underwear. You snatched the blanket you were sleeping on and covered yourself.

“There’s isn’t really anything to hide after last night, darling.” Sirius said amused, sitting causing his blanket to trail down. Your face flushed red as you shot him a glare. “Screw you!”

“You already did but I won’t say no to a round 2.”

You looked at him with wide eyes. “We didn’t…did we?” You asked your voice rising in pitch.

“Not all the way. I would never to that, not like this.” He said seriously, surprising you.

“I’m gonna go.” You said awkwardly as hid behind a tree and put on your pajamas.

“Y/n wait!”

You turned and faced Sirius, your face growing redder as you caught him dressing. He took his wand out and transfigured the blankets back into his shirt before putting on.

“You transfigured your shirt into blankets?”

“Well I couldn’t exactly let you sleep on the ground or get cold.”

“I…”

“Let me walk you back?…Please?”

“Sure.” You said as he smiled and jogged up to you.

You walked in awkward silence, or at least it was awkward for you. Sirius, on the other hand, looked as if he was having a mental battle in his head. “Penny for your thoughts?”  You questioned.

“Oh, sorry. Um…What- Are you free next Hogsmede?” He asked, stepping in your way and pausing you.

You looked at him surprised. Was he…going to ask you out? You wondered with a tilt of your head.

“I wasn’t planning on going.” You said and felt slightly bad when you saw his face fall. “Oh. Okay…uhm.” He said.

“But I guess it’s not too late to free my day. Why?” You asked hoping he would take up the opening. You bit your lip, nervously; you weren’t sure but there was a part of you that did want Sirius to ask you out.

“Would like to go to Hogsmede…like on a date?” He asked nervously, “With me.” He then clarified.

“An actual date? Not a hook up or a prank?” You asked, fiercely staring him down.

“No! No! No! A date. A real date with me. We don’t have to go to Hogsmede…we could have a picnic here at the lake. Or go flying at the Pitch Or-”

“Yeah, Hogsmede sounds nice.” You said as he looked up at you with wide eyes. He was about to say something but you held a finger up, shutting him. “But…If this ends up being a prank or a way to get into my pants. I will hurt you.”

“I wouldn’t- No! I want, I’ve wanted to for three years.” He said, genuinely.

“…Don’t play with my heart. Not like you do with others.”

And with complete sincerity, Sirius’ replied, “I would never play with something so priceless.”

.

.

@twerkforsheep, I hope you liked it and is what you asked for.

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send me a ✐ for a random sentence starter from my muse (1-1500) — tw: profanity, mild nsfw, long list

generator here quotes compiled from here inspired by

feel free to change to fit your preferences as need.

❨1❩ ❛ They are dreams, but I’m too out of control, I lose myself in them, and I’ve already lost too much to let them take over. ❜
 ❨2❩ ❛ Sometimes human places create inhuman monsters. ❜ ❨3❩ ❛ I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in. ❜ ❨4❩ ❛ Monsters are real. Ghosts are too. They live inside of us, and sometimes, they win. ❜ ❨5❩ ❛ The world's a hard place. It doesn't care. It doesn't hate you and me, but it doesn't love us, either. ❜ ❨6❩ ❛ The tears that heal are also the tears that scald and scourge. ❜ ❨7❩ ❛ Pull your act together and just go on. ❜ ❨8❩ ❛ I had never dreamed there could be so much pain in a life when there is nothing physically wrong. I hurt all the time. ❜ ❨9❩ ❛ Tough old world, baby. If you're not bolted together tightly, you're gonna shake, rattle, and roll before you turn thirty. ❜ ❨10❩ ❛ Are you sure self-pity is a luxury you can afford? ❜ ❨11❩ ❛ Truth comes out. In the end it always comes out. ❜ ❨12❩ ❛ Living by your wits is always knowing where the wasps are. ❜ ❨13❩ ❛ No matter where you go, the same asshole gets off the plane. ❜ ❨14❩ ❛ We sometimes need to create unreal monsters and bogies to stand in for all the things we fear in our real lives. ❜ ❨15❩ ❛ That’s your job in this hard world, to keep your love alive and see that you get on, no matter what. ❜ ❨16❩ ❛ Human nature, baby. Grab it and growl. ❜ ❨17❩ ❛ God wiped snot out of his nose and that was you. ❜ ❨18❩ ❛ Run away. Quick. And remember how much I love you. ❜ ❨19❩ ❛ How many times, over how many years, have I—a grown adult—asked for the mercy of another chance? ❜ ❨20❩ ❛ I was suddenly so sick of myself, so revolted. ❜ ❨21❩ ❛ You listen to me. I’m going to talk to you about it this once and never again this same way. ❜ ❨22❩ ❛ But those pieces, they’ll never fit just the same way again. Never in this world. ❜ ❨23❩ ❛ Dying is a part of living. You have to keep tuning in to that if you expect to be a whole person. ❜ ❨24❩ ❛ Officious little prick. ❜ ❨25❩ ❛ I’ve been sleepwalking again, my dear. — The plants are moving under the rug. ❜ ❨26❩ ❛ How I wish you were fear. ❜ ❨27❩ ❛ But it was a dreadful kind of curiosity, the kind that makes you peek through your fingers during the scariest parts of a scary movie. ❜ ❨28❩ ❛ All we have is time, you know. An eternity of time. Or shall we end it? Might as well. After all, we're missing the party. ❜ ❨29❩ ❛ We all remember our pleasant dreams more clearly than the scary ones. ❜ ❨30❩ ❛ The way things should be and the way things are hardly ever get together. ❜ ❨31❩ ❛ Got to be regular if you want to be happy. ❜ ❨32❩ ❛ But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. ❜ ❨33❩ ❛ He showed me his scars, and in return he let me pretend that I had none. ❜ ❨34❩ ❛ Humbling women seems to me a chief pastime of poets. As if there can be no story unless we crawl and weep. ❜ ❨35❩ ❛ It is a common saying that women are delicate creatures, flowers, eggs, anything that may be crushed in a moment's carelessness.  ❜ ❨36❩ ❛ If I had ever believed it, I no longer do. ❜ ❨37❩ ❛ I thought once that gods are the opposite of death, but I see now they are more dead than anything, for they are unchanging, and can hold nothing in their hands. ❜ ❨38❩ ❛ I cannot bear this world a moment longer. ❜ ❨39❩ ❛ I have a better idea. I will do as I please. ❜ ❨40❩ ❛ All my life has been murk and depths, but I am not a part of that dark water. I am a creature within it. ❜ ❨41❩ ❛ You cannot know how frightened gods are of pain. There is nothing more foreign to them, and so nothing they ache more deeply to see. ❜ ❨42❩ ❛ When we are young, we think ourselves the first to have each feeling in the world. ❜ ❨43❩ ❛ When I was born, the word for what I was did not exist. ❜ ❨44❩ ❛ But perhaps no parent can truly see their child. When we look we see only the mirror of our own faults. ❜ ❨45❩ ❛ I will not be like a bird bred in a cage, too dull to fly even when the door stands open. ❜ ❨46❩ ❛ This is what it means to swim in the tide, to walk the earth and feel it touch your feet. This is what it means to be alive. ❜ ❨47❩ ❛ You threw me to the crows, but it turns out I prefer them to you. ❜ ❨48❩ ❛ Yet because I knew nothing, nothing was beneath me. ❜ ❨49❩ ❛ If now I am wise, it is only because I have been fool enough for a hundred lifetimes. ❜ ❨50❩ ❛ You can teach a viper to eat from your hands, but you cannot take away how much it likes to bite. ❜ ❨51❩ ❛ Give me the blade. Some things are worth spilling blood for. ❜ ❨52❩ ❛ I have been old and stern for so long, carved with regrets and years like a monolith. But that is only a shape I’ve been poured into. I do not have to keep it. ❜ ❨53❩ ❛ I wake sometimes in the dark terrified by my life's precariousness, its thready breath. ❜ ❨54❩ ❛ Understanding the world is a matter of keeping very still and showing no emotions, leaving room for others to reveal themselves. ❜ ❨55❩ ❛ Beneath the smooth, familiar face of things is another that waits to tear the world in two. ❜ ❨56❩ ❛ The truth is, men make terrible pigs. ❜ ❨57❩ ❛ My father has never been able to imagine the world without himself in it. ❜ ❨58❩ ❛ This is the grief that makes our kind choose to be stones and trees rather than flesh. ❜ ❨59❩ ❛ Witches are not so delicate. ❜ ❨60❩ ❛ Those who fight against prophecy only draw it more tightly around their throats. ❜ ❨61❩ ❛ I learned that I could bend the world to my will, as a bow is bent for an arrow. I would have done that toil a thousand times to keep such power in my hands. ❜ ❨62❩ ❛ There's the story, then there's the real story, then there's the story of how the story came to be told. Then there's what you leave out of the story. Which is part of the story too. ❜ ❨63❩ ❛ The best way of being kind to bears is not to be very close to them. ❜ ❨64❩ ❛ Life is warped. I'm just in sync. ❜ ❨65❩ ❛ Now it's a whisper from the past. ❜ ❨66❩ ❛ But hatred and viciousness are addictive. You can get high on them. Once you've had a little, you start shaking if you don't get more. ❜ ❨67❩ ❛ Why is it always such a surprise? The moon. Even though we know it's coming. Every time we see it, it makes us pause, and hush. ❜ ❨68❩ ❛ Perfection exacts a price, but it's the imperfect who pay it. ❜ ❨69❩ ❛ What is 'belief' but a willingness to suspend the negatives?  ❜ ❨70❩ ❛ I have scars, inside me. ❜ ❨71❩ ❛ The dead are not entirely dead but are alive in a different way; a paler way admittedly, and somewhat darker. ❜ ❨72❩ ❛ However dark, a darkness with voices in it is better than a silent void. ❜ ❨73❩ ❛ Amazing how quickly the past becomes idyllic. ❜ ❨74❩ ❛ It is another way of saying tough luck. To people you aren’t going to help out. ❜ ❨75❩ ❛ I'm waiting, far off in the future. ❜ ❨76❩ ❛ The only sure camouflage is unpredictability. ❜ ❨77❩ ❛ There are so many of them, and each one of them is doing part of the killing, whether they know it or not. ❜ ❨78❩ ❛ First rule: limit bloodshed by making sure that none of your own gets spilled. ❜ ❨79❩ ❛ I long to swim in liquid moonlight. ❜ ❨80❩ ❛ That's right, I don’t like to be summoned on trivial matters. ❜ ❨81❩ ❛ The part that really made me happy was that you wanted me to be happy. ❜ ❨82❩ ❛ Cut that part out of us: the grinning, elemental malice. Begin us anew. ❜ ❨83❩ ❛ Where there are wars, there will be crows, the carrion-fanciers. And ravens too, the warbirds, the eyeball gourmands. And vultures, the holy birds of yore, old connoisseurs of rot. ❜ ❨84❩ ❛ At last. It's you. ❜ ❨85❩ ❛ No, you will not be cooked on a fire when you die. Because you are not a fish. ❜ ❨86❩ ❛ Take what the moment offers. Don’t close doors. Be thankful. ❜ ❨87❩ ❛ How many others have stood in this place? Left behind, with all gone, all swept away. ❜ ❨88❩ ❛ Is it disapproval or extreme lust? With some men it’s hard to tell the difference. ❜ ❨89❩ ❛ My hair was driving me crazy, but then … I died. ❜ ❨90❩ ❛ Seek and ye shall find, eventually. And you found. You’re right, I don’t dispute that. Sorry. ❜ ❨91❩ ❛ Everything digests, and is digested. ❜ ❨92❩ ❛ My head was once a filing cabinet. Now it’s a flurry of papers, floating on a draft. ❜ ❨93❩ ❛ You cannot keep bumping your head against reality and saying it is not there. ❜ ❨94❩ ❛ I have a feeling that inside you somewhere, there’s something nobody knows about. ❜ ❨95❩ ❛ And if I don’t want to die, I’ve got to start living. ❜ ❨96❩ ❛ The world is a beautiful place. Don’t forget that. And don’t miss it. ❜ ❨97❩ ❛ I was fighting for my life. So I must not want to die. ❜ ❨98❩ ❛ Something’s happening to me, through me, something dangerous and new. ❜ ❨99❩ ❛ It’s taken root, a poison tree; it’s grown, fanning out, vines winding round my gut, my lungs, my heart. ❜ ❨100❩ ❛ We’re interpreters. We’re translators. ❜ ❨101❩ ❛ You’ll notice I’m not asking what made you this way. ❜ ❨102❩ ❛ No family, happy or unhappy, is quite like any other. Tolstoy was chock-fullo’shit. Remember that. ❜ ❨103❩ ❛ We lived in monochrome those nights. ❜ ❨104❩ ❛ You live in a dream. You’re a sleepwalker, blind. How do you know what the world is like? ❜ ❨105❩ ❛ Do you know, if you rip off the fronts of houses, you’d find swine? ❜ ❨106❩ ❛ I stand here in the dark: cold, utterly alone, full of fear and something that feels like longing. ❜ ❨107❩ ❛ The definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting different results. ❜ ❨108❩ ❛ Not to warm the flesh, but solely to please the eye. ❜ ❨109❩ ❛ Selective emotional detachment. ❜ ❨110❩ ❛ Not for me, or at least not today. ❜ ❨111❩ ❛ Dead but not gone, watching life surge forward around me, powerless to intervene. ❜ ❨112❩ ❛ Do I sound like a hillbilly saying that? ❜ ❨113❩ ❛ Remember, you’ve got your secret weapon. ❜ ❨114❩ ❛ The dream drains away like water. The memory, really. I try to scoop it up in my palms, but it’s gone. ❜ ❨115❩ ❛ My shadow stretches along the carpet, as though trying to detach itself from me. ❜ ❨116❩ ❛ It curls away from me, like blood in water. ❜ ❨117❩ ❛ It’s been so long since I felt the rain. Or wind—the caress of wind. ❜ ❨118❩ ❛ But snow I never want to feel again. ❜ ❨119❩ ❛ Through adversity to the stars. ❜ ❨120❩ ❛ No hero. No sleuth. I am locked in. I am locked out. ❜ ❨121❩ ❛ Thinking hasn't gotten me anywhere so far. ❜ ❨122❩ ❛ The face you give the world tells the world how to treat you. ❜ ❨123❩ ❛ Sometimes I think illness sits inside every woman, waiting for the right moment to bloom. ❜ ❨124❩ ❛ Women get consumed. ❜ ❨125❩ ❛ Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you're really doing it to them. ❜ ❨126❩ ❛ A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort. ❜ ❨127❩ ❛ Safer to be feared than loved. ❜ ❨128❩ ❛ I ached once, hard, like a period typed at the end of a sentence. ❜ ❨129❩ ❛ It's impossible to compete with the dead. I wish I could stop trying. ❜ ❨130❩ ❛ I always feel sad for the girl that I was. ❜ ❨131❩ ❛ Every time people said I was pretty, I thought of everything ugly swarming beneath my clothes. ❜ ❨132❩ ❛ How do you keep safe when your whole day is as wide and empty as the sky? Anything could happen. ❜ ❨133❩ ❛ See, there I am. I told you I lived. I told you I was. ❜ ❨134❩ ❛ Sometimes I think I won't ever feel safe until I can count my last days on one hand. ❜ ❨135❩ ❛ To refuse has so many more consequences than submitting. ❜ ❨136❩ ❛ I'm here. I don't usually feel that I am. ❜ ❨137❩ ❛ I'm tired of dying. ❜ ❨138❩ ❛ What if you hurt because it feels so good? ❜ ❨139❩ ❛ How confusing to live in the shadow of a shadow. ❜ ❨140❩ ❛ Do you ever feel like bad things are going to happen, and you can’t stop them? You can’t do anything, you just have to wait? ❜ ❨141❩ ❛ Sometimes my scars have a mind of their own. ❜ ❨142❩ ❛ Everyone has their own version of a memory. ❜ ❨143❩ ❛ Isn’t a smile a girl’s best weapon? ❜ ❨144❩ ❛ My sense of weightlessness, I think, comes from the fact that I know so little about my past. ❜ ❨145❩ ❛ Do what I want; I might like you. ❜ ❨146❩ ❛ I feel sorry for Persephone because even when she’s back with the living, people are afraid of her because of where’s she’s been. ❜ ❨147❩ ❛ She has never told me she loved me, and I never assumed she did. ❜ ❨148❩ ❛ The sight of it actually does something to you, makes you less human. ❜ ❨149❩ ❛ It infects you. It ruined me. ❜ ❨150❩ ❛ Your health is not a debt you just cancel. The body collects. ❜ ❨151❩ ❛ Men love to put things inside women, don’t they? ❜ ❨152❩ ❛ We can know only that we know nothing. And that is the highest degree of human wisdom. ❜ ❨153❩ ❛ Nothing is so necessary for a young man as the company of intelligent women. ❜ ❨154❩ ❛ The strongest of all warriors are these two — time and patience. ❜ ❨155❩ ❛ If everyone fought for their own convictions there would be no war. ❜ ❨156❩ ❛ There is no greatness where there is not simplicity, goodness, and truth. ❜ ❨157❩ ❛ The whole world is divided for me into two parts: one is she, and there is all happiness, hope, light; the other is where she is not, and there is dejection and darkness. ❜ ❨158❩ ❛ Let the dead bury the dead, but while I'm alive, I must live and be happy. ❜ ❨159❩ ❛ It's not given to people to judge what's right or wrong. People have eternally been mistaken and will be mistaken, and in nothing more than in what they consider right and wrong. ❜ ❨160❩ ❛ You can love a person dear to you with a human love, but an enemy can only be loved with divine love. ❜ ❨161❩ ❛ If we admit that human life can be ruled by reason, then all possibility of life is destroyed. ❜ ❨162❩ ❛ We are asleep until we fall in love! ❜ ❨163❩ ❛ I simply want to live; to cause no evil to anyone but myself. ❜ ❨164❩ ❛ Everything I know, I know because of love. ❜ ❨165❩ ❛ Man cannot possess anything as long as he fears death. But to him who does not fear it, everything belongs. ❜ ❨166❩ ❛ If there was no suffering, man would not know his limits, would not know himself. ❜ ❨167❩ ❛ Yes, love, but not the love that loves for something, to gain something, or because of something, but that love that I felt for the first time, when dying, I saw my enemy and yet loved him. ❜ ❨168❩ ❛ How can one be well...when one suffers morally? ❜ ❨169❩ ❛ Kings are the slaves of history. ❜ ❨170❩ ❛ God is the same everywhere. ❜ ❨171❩ ❛ Pure and complete sorrow is as impossible as pure and complete joy. ❜ ❨172❩ ❛ One must be cunning and wicked in this world. ❜ ❨173❩ ❛ We love people not so much for the good they've done us, as for the good we've done them. ❜ ❨174❩ ❛ When one's head is gone one doesn't weep over one's hair! ❜ ❨175❩ ❛ For what, for whom, must I kill and be killed? ❜ ❨176❩ ❛ He did what heroes do after their work is accomplished; he died. ❜ ❨177❩ ❛ Life is too long to say anything definitely; always say perhaps. ❜ ❨178❩ ❛ Everything ends in death, everything. Death is terrible. ❜ ❨179❩ ❛ The distant and impossible suddenly became near, possible, and inevitable. ❜ ❨180❩ ❛ How often we sin, how much we deceive, and all for what? ❜ ❨181❩ ❛ The wolves should be fed and the sheep kept safe. ❜ ❨182❩ ❛ When I was a child, adults would tell me not to make things up, warning me of what would happen if I did. ❜ ❨183❩ ❛ My memory is a patchwork of occurrences, of discontinuous events roughly sewn together: the parts I remember, I remember precisely, whilst other sections seem to have vanished completely. ❜ ❨184❩ ❛ Would it be worse to love someone who is no longer there, or not to love someone who is? ❜ ❨185❩ ❛ Like mirrors stories prepare us for the day to come. They distract us from the things in darkness. ❜ ❨186❩ ❛ It is not that I was credulous, simply that I believed in all things dark and dangerous. ❜ ❨187❩ ❛ Sometimes you do things you regret, but there's nothing you can do about them. Times change. Doors close behind you. You move on. ❜ ❨188❩ ❛ Love will be an impulse that will inspire and ruin in equal measure. ❜ ❨189❩ ❛ He died alone. It don't matter a rat's ass whether there was anyone with him or not. He died alone. ❜ ❨190❩ ❛ It was love, I knew, and it tasted like champagne in my mind. ❜ ❨191❩ ❛ The end of the world is a strange concept. The world is always ending, and the end is always being averted, by love or foolishness or just plain old dumb luck. ❜ ❨192❩ ❛ She was my dream; and if you touch a dream it vanishes, like a soap bubble. ❜ ❨193❩ ❛ Daylight is always safe. ❜ ❨194❩ ❛ If not for death, they'd be content to simply exist, but with death, well, their lives will have meaning. ❜ ❨195❩ ❛ You want to know the future, love? Then wait. ❜ ❨196❩ ❛ There are things in the darkness beneath us that wish us harm. ❜ ❨197❩ ❛ Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be defeated ❜ ❨198❩ ❛ But sometimes you leave blood on your instruments. ❜ ❨199❩ ❛ I'd like to be a wolf. Not all the time. Just sometimes. In the dark. I would run through the forests. ❜ ❨200❩ ❛ You've seen them. They have mouths that twitch, and eyes that stare, and they babble and they mewl and they whimper. ❜ ❨201❩ ❛ They are not mad, or rather, the loss of their sanity is the lesser of their problems. ❜ ❨202❩ ❛ Good a reason for writing as I know: releasing demons, letting them fly. ❜ ❨203❩ ❛ That miserable state in which everything seems flat and of equal importance; when nothing matters, and in which reality seems scraped thin and threadbare. ❜ ❨204❩ ❛ Someone had scrawled graffiti in black marker on the metal: JUST DIE, it said. Like it is easy. ❜ ❨205❩ ❛ Winter started today. The sky turned grey and the snow began to fall and it did not stop falling until well after dark. ❜ ❨206❩ ❛ Memory is the great deceiver. ❜ ❨207❩ ❛ Silly things do cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way. ❜ ❨208❩ ❛ I may have lost my heart, but not my self-control.  ❜ ❨209❩ ❛ If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more. ❜ ❨210❩ ❛ I always deserve the best treatment because I never put up with any other. ❜ ❨211❩ ❛ But you know what I am. You hear nothing but truth from me. ❜ ❨212❩ ❛ I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne it as no other would have borne it. ❜ ❨213❩ ❛ There are people, who the more you do for them, the less they will do for themselves. ❜ ❨214❩ ❛ One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other. ❜ ❨215❩ ❛ Better be without sense than misapply it as you do. ❜ ❨216❩ ❛ You must be the best judge of your own happiness. ❜ ❨217❩ ❛ Were I to fall in love, indeed, it would be a different thing ; but I have never been in love ; it is not my way, or my nature ; and I do not think I ever shall. ❜ ❨218❩ ❛ Indeed, I am very sorry to be right in this instance. I would much rather have been merry than wise. ❜ ❨219❩ ❛ If I have not spoken, it is because I am afraid I will awaken myself from this dream. ❜ ❨220❩ ❛ If a woman doubts as to whether she should accept a man or not, she certainly ought to refuse him. ❜ ❨221❩ ❛ Faultless in spite of all her faults. ❜ ❨222❩ ❛ A heroine whom no one but myself will much like. ❜ ❨223❩ ❛ There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart. ❜ ❨224❩ ❛ Full many a flower is born to blush unseen, and waste its fragrance on the desert air. ❜ ❨225❩ ❛ I pity you. I thought you cleverer. ❜ ❨226❩ ❛ Evil to some is always good to others. ❜ ❨227❩ ❛ I certainly will not persuade myself to feel more than I do. ❜ ❨228❩ ❛ She is loveliness itself. ❜ ❨229❩ ❛ Time does not compose me. ❜ ❨230❩ ❛ A man always imagines a woman to be ready for anybody who asks her. ❜ ❨231❩ ❛ I do not find myself making any use of the word sacrifice. ❜ ❨232❩ ❛ I am quite enough in love. I should be sorry to be any more. ❜ ❨233❩ ❛ I must tell you what you will not ask, though I may wish it unsaid the next moment. ❜ ❨234❩ ❛ I examined my own heart. And there you were. Never, I fear, to be removed. ❜ ❨235❩ ❛ With all your little faults, you are an excellent creature. ❜ ❨236❩ ❛ You have another long walk before you. ❜ ❨237❩ ❛ The child's laughter is pure until he first laughs at a clown. ❜ ❨238❩ ❛ What is marriage but prostitution to one man instead of many? ❜ ❨239❩ ❛ Out of the frying pan into the fire! ❜ ❨240❩ ❛ We must all make do with the rags of love we find flapping on the scarecrow of humanity. ❜ ❨241❩ ❛ She sleeps. And now she wakes each day a little less. ❜ ❨242❩ ❛ And, oh, God . . . how frequently I weep! ❜ ❨243❩ ❛ From the coffin of your madness there is no escape. ❜ ❨244❩ ❛ I am feeling supernatural tonight. I want to eat diamonds. ❜ ❨245❩ ❛ All the same there is a chance that if we keep on shaking our chains, one day, some day, the clasps upon the shackles will part. ❜ ❨246❩ ❛ It was sad music fit to make you cut your throat. ❜ ❨247❩ ❛ Nothing is more boring than being forced to play. ❜ ❨248❩ ❛ Amongst the monsters, I am well hidden; who looks for a leaf in a forest? ❜ ❨249❩ ❛ Wherein does a woman’s honour reside? In her vagina or in her spirit? ❜ ❨250❩ ❛ Perhaps...I could not be content with mere contentment! ❜ ❨251❩ ❛ Have you ever stared stark failure in the face? The trick is to outstare it. ❜ ❨252❩ ❛ Sometimes it seems that the faces exist of themselves, in a disembodied somewhere, waiting for the one who will wear them, who will bring them to life. ❜ ❨253❩ ❛ I have the febrile gaiety of a being without a past, without a present, yet I exist. ❜ ❨254❩ ❛ I felt myself turning, willy-nilly, from a woman into an idea. ❜ ❨255❩ ❛ She looks wonderful, but she doesn't look right. ❜ ❨256❩ ❛ The one-eyed man will be King in the country of the blind. ❜ ❨257❩ ❛ I raised you up to fly to the heavens, not to brood over a clutch of eggs! ❜ ❨258❩ ❛ I love to hear my bones rattle. That’s how I know I’m alive. ❜ ❨259❩ ❛ I learnt, first, as the birds do, from the birds. ❜ ❨260❩ ❛ Inside and outside match exactly, but both are badly wrong. ❜ ❨261❩ ❛ During the less-than-blink of time it took the last chime to die, there came a vertiginous sensation. ❜ ❨262❩ ❛ I fear a wound not of the body but the soul, an irreconcilable division between myself and the rest of humankind. ❜ ❨263❩ ❛ I fear the proof of my own singularity. ❜ ❨264❩ ❛ Still nothing could calm the fearful storm in my erupting skin. ❜ ❨265❩ ❛ Petersburg, loveliest of all hallucinations. ❜ ❨266❩ ❛ A breathless second between black forest and the frozen sea. ❜ ❨267❩ ❛ I'm beginning to feel totally cut off from the world. ❜ ❨268❩ ❛ What does this all mean? Where are we? ❜ ❨269❩ ❛ Sometimes I bleed. ❜ ❨270❩ ❛ If you see a ghost, you say "hello". ❜ ❨271❩ ❛ The war is not over. ❜ ❨272❩ ❛ You're not going. You left us once already. ❜ ❨273❩ ❛ You can’t go! ❜ ❨274❩ ❛ I loved you, but that wasn't enough, was it? ❜ ❨275❩ ❛ If you're dead, then leave me in peace. ❜ ❨276❩ ❛ The only thing that moves here is the light, but it changes everything. ❜ ❨277❩ ❛ I won't ask for forgiveness for something I didn't do! ❜ ❨278❩ ❛ Sometimes the world of the living gets mixed up with the world of the dead. ❜ ❨279❩ ❛ Death of a loved one can lead people to do the strangest things. ❜ ❨280❩ ❛ Sooner or later, they will find you. ❜ ❨281❩ ❛ They're everywhere - they say this house is theirs. ❜ ❨282❩ ❛ You're always teasing me, and telling lies. I'm sick of it. ❜ ❨283❩ ❛ Others will come. Sometimes we'll sense them. Other times, we won't. ❜ ❨284❩ ❛ No crying now. No crying. Stop that. Here. Look what an awful face you've got when you cry. ❜ ❨285❩ ❛ You listen to me. I've seen them too. ❜ ❨286❩ ❛ You'll see. There are going to be some big surprises. There are going to be... changes. ❜ ❨287❩ ❛ Why did you go and fight that stupid war that had nothing to do with us? Why didn't you stay like the others did? ❜ ❨288❩ ❛ Your place was here with your family. ❜ ❨289❩ ❛ So you say you know this house well? ❜ ❨290❩ ❛ I wasn't expecting you so soon. ❜ ❨291❩ ❛ What's the matter? Has the cat got your tongue? ❜ ❨292❩ ❛ You mean they just vanished? Into thin air? ❜ ❨293❩ ❛ No door must be opened without the previous one being closed first. ❜ ❨294❩ ❛ Here, most of the time, you can hardly see your way. ❜ ❨295❩ ❛ Whatever you do, don't open the curtains. ❜ ❨296❩ ❛ Now, come on. Eyes closed. ❜ ❨297❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. We realise that we’re all going to die, without really finding out the big answers. ❜ ❨298❩ ❛ By definition, you have to live until you die. Better to make that life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨299❩ ❛ I chose not to choose life. I chose somethin’ else. ❜ ❨300❩ ❛ And the reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨301❩ ❛ Love does not exist, it's like religion, made to control you. ❜ ❨302❩ ❛ After all, we're not fucking stupid. At least, we're not that fucking stupid. ❜ ❨303❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨304❩ ❛ Everything in the street today seems soft focus. ❜ ❨305❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low. ❜ ❨306❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty, and you're still fuckin’ miles off the pace. ❜ ❨307❩ ❛ It’s as if everything is a copy of what you knew before, similar, yet somehow lacking in its usual qualities, a bit like the way things are in a dream. ❜ ❨308❩ ❛ It’s all okay, it’s all beautiful; but I fear that this internal sea is going to subside soon, leaving this poisonous shite washed up, stranded up in my body. ❜ ❨309❩ ❛ It cuts me up. It confuses me. ❜ ❨310❩ ❛ It's not funny laughter. This is lynch mob laughter. ❜ ❨311❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨312❩ ❛ They mean well, and they mean well to me, but there's no way under the sun that they can appreciate what I feel, what I need. ❜ ❨313❩ ❛ The pit of melancholy is a bottomless one, and I am descending fast. ❜ ❨314❩ ❛ Living like this is a full-time business. ❜ ❨315❩ ❛ I’ll stand or fall alone. ❜ ❨316❩ ❛ We are no wiser now than at the start. ❜ ❨317❩ ❛ This is pathetic, and fucking boring. ❜ ❨318❩ ❛ Death is usually a process, rather than an event. ❜ ❨319❩ ❛ We're ruled by effete arseholes. What does that make us? ❜ ❨320❩ ❛ We are all acquaintances now. ❜ ❨321❩ ❛ The problem is that this beautiful ocean carries with it loads of poisonous flotsam and jetsam. ❜ ❨322❩ ❛ Life is beautiful. I'm going to enjoy it, and I'm going to have a long life. ❜ ❨323❩ ❛ The grim reality of impending death can be talked away by trying to invest in the present reality of life. ❜ ❨324❩ ❛ There must be more to life than this. ❜ ❨325❩ ❛ We all see what we want to see. ❜ ❨326❩ ❛ Statistically speaking, you're more likely to be killed by a member of your own family or a close friend, than by anyone else. ❜ ❨327❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨328❩ ❛ Maybe that's what love is: it's being pissed off. ❜ ❨329❩ ❛ You can forget who you are if you're alone too much. ❜ ❨330❩ ❛ Any religion is a shadow of God. But the shadows of God are not God. ❜ ❨331❩ ❛ Human understanding is fallible, and we see through a glass, darkly.  ❜ ❨332❩ ❛ We must be a beacon of hope, because if you tell people there's nothing they can do, they will do worse than nothing. ❜ ❨333❩ ❛ Everyone wants to feel like a princess, and princesses are selfish and overbearing. ❜ ❨334❩ ❛ We shouldn't have been so scornful; we should have had compassion. But compassion takes work, and we were young. ❜ ❨335❩ ❛ How easy it is, treachery. You just slide into it. ❜ ❨336❩ ❛ Amazing how the heart clutches at anything familiar, whimpering: Mine! Mine! ❜ ❨337❩ ❛ All creatures know that some must die ; that all the rest may take and eat. ❜ ❨338❩ ❛ Is this the image of a god? My tooth for yours, your eye for mine? ❜ ❨339❩ ❛ Without the light, no chance; without the dark, no dance. ❜ ❨340❩ ❛ Why are we designed to see the world as supremely beautiful just as we're about to be snuffed? Do rabbits feel the same as the fox teeth bite down on their necks? Is it mercy? ❜ ❨341❩ ❛ Love is useless, it leads you into dumb exchanges in which you give too much away, and then you get bitter and mean. ❜ ❨342❩ ❛ Maybe sadness is a kind of hunger. Maybe the two go together. ❜ ❨343❩ ❛ Now I can see how that can happen. You can fall in love with anybody -- a fool, a criminal, a nothing. There are no good rules. ❜ ❨344❩ ❛ If you really want to stay the same age you are now forever and ever, try jumping off the roof: death's a sure-fire method for stopping time. ❜ ❨345❩ ❛ You couldn’t leave words lying around where our enemies might find them. ❜ ❨346❩ ❛ I'm fine, for the moment. And the moment is the only time we can be fine in. ❜ ❨347❩ ❛ Because if you can't wish, why bother? ❜ ❨348❩ ❛ It's better to hope than mope! ❜ ❨349❩ ❛ Reality has too much darkness in it. Too many crows. ❜ ❨350❩ ❛ In any case, time is not a thing that passes, it’s a sea on which you float. ❜ ❨351❩ ❛ I know I’m deceiving myself, but I prefer to deceive myself. I desperately need to believe such pure joy is still possible. ❜ ❨352❩ ❛ Too much God and you overdose. God needs to be filtered. ❜ ❨353❩ ❛ Behind my eyelids I saw an animal. It was golden colour, with gentle green eyes and canine teeth, and curly wool instead of fur. It opened its mouth, but it did not speak. Instead, it yawned. ❜ ❨354❩ ❛ ‘Why can't I believe?’ I asked the darkness. ❜ ❨355❩ ❛ Everyone’s too sad for everything. ❜ ❨356❩ ❛ If you can’t stop the waves, go sailing. ❜ ❨357❩ ❛ I would like to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only. I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. ❜ ❨358❩ ❛ Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them. ❜ ❨359❩ ❛ In the end, we'll all become stories. ❜ ❨360❩ ❛ I am inadequate and stupid, without worth. I might as well be dead. ❜ ❨361❩ ❛ If you knew what was going to happen, if you knew everything that was going to happen next—if you knew in advance the consequences of your own actions—you'd be doomed. You'd be ruined as God. ❜ ❨362❩ ❛ If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. ❜ ❨363❩ ❛ Stupidity is the same as evil if you judge by the results. ❜ ❨364❩ ❛ Time in dreams is frozen. You can never get away from where you've been. ❜ ❨365❩ ❛ Male fantasies, male fantasies, is everything run by male fantasies? ❜ ❨366❩ ❛ We still think of a powerful man as a born leader and a powerful woman as an anomaly. ❜ ❨367❩ ❛ If I love you, is that a fact or a weapon? ❜ ❨368❩ ❛ You fit into me like a hook into an eye. ❜ ❨369❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people puts you in their power, they have a claim on you, you are forced to understand their reasons for doing things and then you are weakened. ❜ ❨370❩ ❛ Farewells can be shattering, but returns are surely worse. ❜ ❨371❩ ❛ Women have curious ways of hurting someone else. ❜ ❨372❩ ❛ This is the one song everyone would like to learn: the song that is irresistible: the song that forces men to leap overboard in squadrons. ❜ ❨373❩ ❛ Get rid of death. Make it be spring. ❜ ❨374❩ ❛ You are innocent as a bathtub full of bullets. ❜ ❨375❩ ❛ I am the space you desecrate as you pass through. ❜ ❨376❩ ❛ Favour me and give me riches, destroy my enemies. Save me from death. ❜ ❨377❩ ❛ She is a raw voice loose in the rooms beneath me. ❜ ❨378❩ ❛ Isn't the moon warm enough for you, why do you need the blanket of another body? ❜ ❨379❩ ❛ This is a torch song. Touch me and you'll burn. ❜ ❨380❩ ❛ If you look long enough eventually you will see me. ❜ ❨381❩ ❛ I would like to sleep with you, to enter your sleep as its smooth dark wave slides over my head. ❜ ❨382❩ ❛ I would like to give you the silver branch, the small white flower, the one word that will protect you from the grief. ❜ ❨383❩ ❛ But some people can't tell where it hurts. They can't calm down. They can't ever stop howling. ❜ ❨384❩ ❛ How else can we live, these days, except in the midst of ruin? ❜ ❨385❩ ❛ What am I living for and what am I dying for are the same question. ❜ ❨386❩ ❛ Gods always come in handy, they justify almost anything. ❜ ❨387❩ ❛ We loved with a love that was more than love. ❜ ❨388❩ ❛ Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before. ❜ ❨389❩ ❛ The boundaries which divide life from death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall say where the one ends, and where the other begins? ❜ ❨390❩ ❛ There is no exquisite beauty without some strangeness in the proportion. ❜ ❨391❩ ❛ Never to suffer would never to have been blessed. ❜ ❨392❩ ❛ Believe only half of what you see and nothing that you hear. ❜ ❨393❩ ❛ And all I loved, I loved alone. ❜ ❨394❩ ❛ Years of love have been forgot, in the hatred of a minute. ❜ ❨395❩ ❛ The best things in life make you sweaty. ❜ ❨396❩ ❛ There are some secrets which do not permit themselves to be told. ❜ ❨397❩ ❛ Anything is better than this agony. ❜ ❨398❩ ❛ You fancy me mad. ❜ ❨399❩ ❛ I hear all things in the heaven and in the earth. ❜ ❨400❩ ❛ Who dares insult us with this blasphemous mockery? ❜ ❨401❩ ❛ Leave my loneliness unbroken! ❜ ❨402❩ ❛ A more than fiendish malevolence, gin-nurtured, thrills every fibre of my frame. ❜ ❨403❩ ❛ The fury of a demon instantly possessed me. I knew myself no longer. ❜ ❨404❩ ❛ Let my heart be still a moment. ❜ ❨405❩ ❛ You call it hope —  It is but agony of desire. ❜ ❨406❩ ❛ Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or silly action for no other reason than because he knows he should not? ❜ ❨407❩ ❛ To die laughing must be the most glorious of all glorious deaths! ❜ ❨408❩ ❛ The beating of a drum stimulates the soldier into courage. ❜ ❨409❩ ❛ Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive. ❜ ❨410❩ ❛ I have been happy, though in a dream. ❜ ❨411❩ ❛ Nevermore. ❜ ❨412❩ ❛ The truth is, I am heartily sick of this life. ❜ ❨413❩ ❛ I am convinced that every thing is going wrong. ❜ ❨414❩ ❛ The scariest monsters are the ones that lurk within our souls. ❜ ❨415❩ ❛ And if I died, at least I will have died for you! ❜ ❨416❩ ❛ It is impossible to say how first the idea entered my brain; but once conceived, it haunted me day and night. ❜ ❨417❩ ❛ Hurt and humiliation — But this, I can not take. ❜ ❨418❩ ❛ The walls in there have ears. ❜ ❨419❩ ❛ This is for your ears only. ❜ ❨420❩ ❛ What is it? You have me scared. ❜ ❨421❩ ❛ Whoever isn’t for us, is against us. ❜ ❨422❩ ❛ You are just a body; to be dumped, disposed of like a carcass, left out for the birds to feed on. ❜ ❨423❩ ❛ The dead will have to forgive me. ❜ ❨424❩ ❛ From now on and no matter how your mind may I change, I will not accept your help. ❜ ❨425❩ ❛ If death comes, so be it. There will be glory in it. ❜ ❨426❩ ❛ Live, then; and live with your choice. ❜ ❨427❩ ❛ I am doing what has to be done. ❜ ❨428❩ ❛ Nothing is going to stop the ones that love you from keeping on loving you. ❜ ❨429❩ ❛ Worst is the man who has all the good advice, and then because his nerve fails, fails to act in accordance with it, as a leader should. ❜ ❨430❩ ❛ Only a loony would walk himself into this. ❜ ❨431❩ ❛ Why do you need such fences and defences? ❜ ❨432❩ ❛ Enough. Do not anger me. ❜ ❨433❩ ❛ The gods, you think, will side with the likes of him? ❜ ❨434❩ ❛ Watch it. You are over stepping. ❜ ❨435❩ ❛ I warn you. You should keep a civil tongue. ❜ ❨436❩ ❛ There is no such thing as an oath the can not be broken. ❜ ❨437❩ ❛ Every now and then, the things you’d hardly let yourself imagine, actually happen. ❜ ❨438❩ ❛ And you stand over this? This is the truth? ❜ ❨439❩ ❛ The bigger the resistance, the bigger the collapse. ❜ ❨440❩ ❛ Iron that’s forged the hardest, snaps the quickest. ❜ ❨441❩ ❛ Even the wildest horses come to heel when they are reined & bitted right. ❜ ❨442❩ ❛ That’s how guilt affects some people. They break and everything comes out. ❜ ❨443❩ ❛ Will it be enough for you? To see me executed? ❜ ❨444❩ ❛ So you know something no one else knows? ❜ ❨445❩ ❛ They know it too. They are just too afraid to say it. ❜ ❨446❩ ❛ If you die, how will I keep on living? ❜ ❨447❩ ❛ There was a star riding through clouds one night, & I said to the star, 'Consume me'. ❜ ❨448❩ ❛ How much better to sit by myself like the solitary sea-bird that opens its wings on the stake. ❜ ❨449❩ ❛ Alone, I often fall down into nothingness. I have to bang my head against some hard door to call myself back to the body. ❜ ❨450❩ ❛ I am made and remade continually. Different people draw different words from me. ❜ ❨451❩ ❛ For this moment, this one moment, we are together.  ❜ ❨452❩ ❛ Come, pain, feed on me. Bury your fangs in my flesh. Tear me asunder. ❜ ❨453❩ ❛ I am as neat as a cat in my habits. ❜ ❨454❩ ❛ Everything falls in a tremendous shower, dissolving me. ❜ ❨455❩ ❛ I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room. ❜ ❨456❩ ❛ We are cut, we are fallen. We are become part of that unfeeling universe ❨457❩ that sleeps when we are at our quickest and burns red when we lie ❨458❩ asleep. ❜ ❨459❩ ❛ These moments of escape are not to be despised. They come too seldom. ❜ ❨460❩ ❛ Up here my eyes are green leaves, unseeing. ❜ ❨461❩ ❛ The moment is all; the moment is enough. ❜ ❨462❩ ❛ I do not want to be admired. I want to give, to be given. ❜ ❨463❩ ❛ I am not one and simple, but complex and many. ❜ ❨464❩ ❛ And if you are dead, I shall weep. ❜ ❨465❩ ❛ But beauty must be broken daily to remain beautiful. ❜ ❨466❩ ❛ But our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love. ❜ ❨467❩ ❛ I desired always to stretch the night and fill it fuller and fuller with dreams. ❜ ❨468❩ ❛ Life is a dream surely. ❜ ❨469❩ ❛ I think sometimes I am not a woman, but the light that falls on this gate, on this ground. I am the seasons, I think sometimes, January, May, November; the mud, the mist, the dawn. ❜ ❨470❩ ❛ Oh, I am in love with life! ❜ ❨471❩ ❛ I have been knotted; I have been torn apart. ❜ ❨472❩ ❛ There was no freedom in life, and certainly there was none in death. ❜ ❨473❩ ❛ I do not know. I do not know myself sometimes, or how to measure and name and count out the grains that make me what I am. ❜ ❨474❩ ❛ I ride rough waters, and shall sink with no one to save me. ❜ ❨475❩ ❛ I am above the earth now. I am no longer upright, to be knocked against and damaged. ❜ ❨476❩ ❛ I see it all. I feel it all. ❜ ❨477❩ ❛ Death is woven in with the violets. Death and again death. ❜ ❨478❩ ❛ We have been walking for hours it seems. But where? I cannot remember. ❜ ❨479❩ ❛ If we were all on trial for our thoughts, we would all be hanged. ❜ ❨480❩ ❛ When you are in the middle of a story it isn't a story at all, but only a confusion; a dark roaring, a blindness, a wreckage of shattered glass. ❜ ❨481❩ ❛ Murderess is a strong word to have attached to you. It has a smell to it, that word; - musky and oppressive, like dead flowers in a vase.  ❜ ❨482❩ ❛ Sometimes at night I whisper it over to myself: Murderess, murderess. It rustles, like a taffeta skirt across the floor. ❜ ❨483❩ ❛ If the world treats you well, you come to believe you are deserving of it. ❜ ❨484❩ ❛ If I am good enough and quiet enough, perhaps after all they will let me go. ❜ ❨485❩ ❛ It’s not easy being quiet and good, it’s like hanging on to the edge of a bridge when you’ve already fallen over; you don’t seem to be moving, just dangling there, and yet it is taking all your strength. ❜ ❨486❩ ❛ There is no fool like an educated fool. ❜ ❨487❩ ❛ There are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. ❜ ❨488❩ ❛ I am afraid of falling into hopeless despair, over my wasted life, and I am still not sure how it happened. ❜ ❨489❩ ❛ Underneath it all is another feeling, a feeling of being wide-eyed awake and watchful. ❜ ❨490❩ ❛ And underneath all that is another feeling still, a feeling like being torn open; not like a body of flesh, it is not painful as such, but like a peach; and not even torn open, but ripe and splitting open of its own accord.  ❜ ❨491❩ ❛ The small details of life often hide a great significance. ❜ ❨492❩ ❛ Guilt comes to you not from the things you've done, but from the things that others have done to you. ❜ ❨493❩ ❛ I wonder, how can I be all of these different things at once? ❜ ❨494❩ ❛ It is always a mistake to curse back openly at those who are stronger than you unless there is a fence between. ❜ ❨495❩ ❛ Some call this "Eve's curse," but I think that is stupid because the real curse of Eve was having to put up with the nonsense of Adam. ❜ ❨496❩ ❛ I don't know why they are all so eager to be remembered. What good will it do them? There are some things that should be forgotten by everyone, and never spoken of again. ❜ ❨497❩ ❛ I would never blame a human creature for feeling lonely. ❜ ❨498❩ ❛ If they want a monster so badly they ought to be provided by one. ❜ ❨499❩ ❛ It’s as if I never existed, because no trace of me remains, I have left no marks. And that way I cannot be followed. It is almost the same as being innocent. ❜ ❨500❩ ❛ Today you wear your habitual expression of strained anxiety; you smell of violets. ❜ ❨501❩ ❛ Of course you have always been an idealist, and filled with your optimistic dreams; but reality must at some time obtrude. ❜ ❨502❩ ❛ I wonder what would become of me, and comfort myself that in a hundred years I will be dead and at peace. ❜ ❨503❩ ❛ For it is not always the one that strikes the blow that is the actual murderer. ❜ ❨504❩ ❛ There is a “do this” or “do that” with God, but not any “because”. ❜ ❨505❩ ❛ If you have a need and they find it out, they will use it against you. The best way is to stop from wanting anything. ❜ ❨506❩ ❛ They say, why don’t you ever smile or laugh, we never see you smiling, and I say I suppose I have gotten out of the way of it, my face won’t bend in that direction any more. ❜ ❨507❩ ❛ I was shut up inside that doll of myself, and my true voice could not get out. ❜ ❨508❩ ❛ I see what you’re after. You are a collector. You think all you have to do is give me an apple, and then you can collect me. ❜ ❨509❩ ❛ If you want to be an asshole, it's a free country. Millions before you have made the same life choice. ❜ ❨510❩ ❛ Then there's the future. Sheer vertigo. ❜ ❨511❩ ❛ Nature is to zoos as God is to churches. ❜ ❨512❩ ❛ After everything that's happened, how can the world still be so beautiful? ❜ ❨513❩ ❛ There's something to be said for hunger: at least it lets you know you're still alive. ❜ ❨514❩ ❛ These things sneak up on me for no reason, these flashes of irrational happiness. It's probably a vitamin deficiency. ❜ ❨515❩ ❛ Toast cannot be explained by any rational means. Toast is me. I am toast. ❜ ❨516❩ ❛ You can’t buy it, but it has a price. Everything has a price. ❜ ❨517❩ ❛ As a species were doomed by hope, then? You could call it hope. That, or desperation. ❜ ❨518❩ ❛ I am not my childhood. ❜ ❨519❩ ❛ Human beings hope they can stick their souls into someone else and live on forever. ❜ ❨520❩ ❛ “I'll make you mine”, lovers said in old books. They never said, “I'll make you me.” ❜ ❨521❩ ❛ How much is too much, how far is too far? ❜ ❨522❩ ❛ Expectation isn't the same as desire. ❜ ❨523❩ ❛ Why not cut to the chase? ❜ ❨524❩ ❛ Maybe there aren't any solutions. Human society, corpses and rubble. ❜ ❨525❩ ❛ I thought you didn’t believe in God. ❜ ❨526❩ ❛ I need at least the illusion of being understood. ❜ ❨527❩ ❛ What change would have altered the course of events? In the big picture, nothing. In the small picture, so much. ❜ ❨528❩ ❛ You are only looking at the dirt under your feet. It's not good for you. ❜ ❨529❩ ❛ I like to keep only the bright side of myself turned towards you.  ❜ ❨530❩ ❛ Grief in the face of inevitable death. The wish to stop time. The human condition. ❜ ❨531❩ ❛ So many crucial events take place behind people’s backs, when they aren’t in a position to watch: birth and death, for instance. ❜ ❨532❩ ❛ Would you kill someone you loved to spare them pain? ❜ ❨533❩ ❛ When the water’s moving faster than the boat, you can’t control a thing. ❜ ❨534❩ ❛ Don't be so fucking sentimental. ❜ ❨535❩ ❛ Wrong, as usual. ❜ ❨536❩ ❛ Why do you want to talk about ugly things? ❜ ❨537❩ ❛ I understand why serial killers send helpful clues to the police. ❜ ❨538❩ ❛ Take your time, leave mine alone. ❜ ❨539❩ ❛ You will hear thunder and remember me. ❜ ❨540❩ ❛ If you were music, I would listen to you ceaselessly. ❜ ❨541❩ ❛ I seem to myself an accidental guest in this dreadful body. ❜ ❨542❩ ❛ Call me a sinner, mock me maliciously. ❜ ❨543❩ ❛ I, from the very beginning, seemed to myself like someone's dream or delirium. Or a reflection in someone else's mirror. Without flesh, without meaning, without a name. ❜ ❨544❩ ❛ I knew the list of crimes that I was destined to commit. ❜ ❨545❩ ❛ The future ripens in the past, so the past rots in the future. ❜ ❨546❩ ❛ You are untranslatable into any one tongue. ❜ ❨547❩ ❛ I was hoping my silence would fit yours. ❜ ❨548❩ ❛ See, we were never about butterflies. All about us is unearthly and radiant. ❜ ❨549❩ ❛ You do not know just what you've been forgiven. ❜ ❨550❩ ❛ I need to slaughter my memory.  ❜ ❨551❩ ❛ Forgive me that I appeared to you in waking dreams. ❜ ❨552❩ ❛ I will condemn, I will forget, I will give comfort to the enemy. ❜ ❨553❩ ❛ I know beginnings, I know endings too, and life-in-death. ❜ ❨554❩ ❛ Wild honey smells of freedom. But gold smells of nothing. ❜ ❨555❩ ❛ You are three times more beautiful than angels. ❜ ❨556❩ ❛ I will kill you without spilling your blood on the ground, not touching you with my hand, not giving you one glance. ❜ ❨557❩ ❛ You invented me. There is no such earthly being. ❜ ❨558❩ ❛ You’re late. Way too late. I’m glad to see you, nonetheless. ❜ ❨559❩ ❛ Forgive me that I felt forsaken. Forgive me that I kept mistaking too many others for you. ❜ ❨560❩ ❛ Real tenderness can’t be confused, it’s quiet and can’t be heard. ❜ ❨561❩ ❛ What else lived in that house besides us? ❜ ❨562❩ ❛ How unhappy we are together! ❜ ❨563❩ ❛ I defend not my voice, but my silence. ❜ ❨564❩ ❛ Without love, I'm more at ease, I'm sure. ❜ ❨565❩ ❛ I've got no more tears or explanations. ❜ ❨566❩ ❛ I’m not complaining. Happiness is not for me. ❜ ❨567❩ ❛ Are you not the only tie between good and evil, earthly pits and paradise? ❜ ❨568❩ ❛ In the morning we shall find out who has died in the night. ❜ ❨569❩ ❛ I was not a lovable child, and I've grown into a deeply unlovable adult. ❜ ❨570❩ ❛ The truly frightening flaw in humanity is our capacity for cruelty - we all have it. ❜ ❨571❩ ❛ I have a meanness inside me, real as an organ. Slit me at my belly and it might slide out, meaty and dark. ❜ ❨572❩ ❛ I am not angry or sad or happy to see you. I could not give a shit. You don't even ripple. ❜ ❨573❩ ❛ I was raised feral, and I mostly stayed that way. ❜ ❨574❩ ❛ I can feel a better version of me somewhere in there - hidden behind a liver or attached to a bit of spleen. But the meanness usually wins out. ❜ ❨575❩ ❛ I felt something loosen in me, that shouldn't have loosened. A stitch come undone. ❜ ❨576❩ ❛ Everyone who keeps a secret, itches to tell it. ❜ ❨577❩ ❛ Coffee goes great with sudden death. ❜ ❨578❩ ❛ I should just listen to my gut and then do the opposite. ❜ ❨579❩ ❛ “Smile, it can't be that bad!” Yeah, actually, it can, jackwad. ❜ ❨580❩ ❛ Everything bad in the world already did happen. ❜ ❨581❩ ❛ You’re going to find peace? Like knowing is somehow going to fix you? ❜ ❨582❩ ❛ Instead of asking yourself what happened, just accept that it happened. ❜ ❨583❩ ❛ Homesick for a place I've never been. ❜ ❨584❩ ❛ Worries find you easily enough without inviting them. ❜ ❨585❩ ❛ It is always consoling to think of suicide. It's what gets one through many a bad night. ❜ ❨586❩ ❛ Do you understand this is serious? ❜ ❨587❩ ❛ Sometimes it feels good to fuck with something. Instead of always being fucked with. ❜ ❨588❩ ❛ How could you kill something you cared enough to name? ❜ ❨589❩ ❛ Draw a picture of my soul, and it’d be a scribble with fangs. ❜ ❨590❩ ❛ We have the same chemicals in our blood: shame, anger, greed. Unjustified nostalgia. ❜ ❨591❩ ❛ I appreciate a straightforward apology the way a tone-deaf person enjoys a fine piece of music. ❜ ❨592❩ ❛ The phrase fuck you may not rest on the tip of my tongue, but it’s near. Midtongue. ❜ ❨593❩ ❛ Nothing to it but to do it. ❜ ❨594❩ ❛ There are a lot of people who deserve a lesson, deserve to really understand, that nothing comes easy, that most things are going to go sour. ❜ ❨595❩ ❛ If ifs and buts were candies and nuts we’d all have a very Merry Christmas. ❜ ❨596❩ ❛ Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. ❜ ❨597❩ ❛ What does it do to a girl who knows her mother is a murderer? ❜ ❨598❩ ❛ That mean old bitch across the street bit it. ❜ ❨599❩ ❛ Survival is a talent. ❜ ❨600❩ ❛ Crazy isn't being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified. If you ever told a lie and enjoyed it. If you ever wished you could be a child forever. ❜ ❨601❩ ❛ Who has the courage to burn themselves? ❜ ❨602❩ ❛ Is insanity just a matter of dropping the act? ❜ ❨603❩ ❛ Have you ever confused a dream with life? Or stolen something when you have the cash? Have you ever been blue? Or thought your train moving while sitting still? ❜ ❨604❩ ❛ You need to be well fed, clothed, and housed to have time for this much self-pity. ❜ ❨605❩ ❛ When I am supposed to be awake, I am asleep; when I am supposed to speak, I am silent. When a pleasure offers itself to me, I avoid it. ❜ ❨606❩ ❛ There is thought, and then there is thinking about thoughts, and they don't feel the same. ❜ ❨607❩ ❛ In a strange way we are free. We've reached the end of the line. We have nothing more to lose. ❜ ❨608❩ ❛ The world won’t stop because we aren’t in it anymore. ❜ ❨609❩ ❛ I can't answer the real question. All I can tell you is, it's easy. ❜ ❨610❩ ❛ I am lighter, airier than I’ve been in years. ❜ ❨611❩ ❛ I am not dead, yet something in me definitely is. ❜ ❨612❩ ❛ You meant that as an insult but I am taking it as a compliment. ❜ ❨613❩ ❛ What life can recover from that? ❜ ❨614❩ ❛ It's a fairly accurate portrait of me. It's accurate but it isn't profound. ❜ ❨615❩ ❛ Pull yourself together! There's nothing wrong with you. ❜ ❨616❩ ❛ It's quiet. It's like― I don't know. It's like falling off a cliff. ❜ ❨617❩ ❛ Once you start parsing a face, it's a peculiar item: squishy, pointy, with lots of air vents and wet spots. ❜ ❨618❩ ❛ I lost him. I did it on purpose. ❜ ❨619❩ ❛ It’s a mean world. There’s nobody to take care of you out there. ❜ ❨620❩ ❛ Reality is getting too dense. ❜ ❨621❩ ❛ I'm ambivalent. In fact that's my new favourite word. ❜ ❨622❩ ❛ I can't come up with reassuring answers to the terrible questions you raise. ❜ ❨623❩ ❛ A spring day, the sort that gives people hope: all soft winds and delicate smells of warm earth. Suicide weather. ❜ ❨624❩ ❛ Twenty-five chocolate chip cookies would be the perfect dinner. ❜ ❨625❩ ❛ A thought is a hard thing to control. ❜ ❨626❩ ❛ Life demands skills I don’t have. ❜ ❨627❩ ❛ Light like this does not exist, but we wish it did. We wish the sun could make us young and beautiful. Most of all, we wish that everyone we knew could be brightened simply by our looking at them. ❜ ❨628❩ ❛ It never stops, even at night, it’s my lullaby. ❜ ❨629❩ ❛ Love blurs your vision; but after it recedes, you can see more clearly than ever. ❜ ❨630❩ ❛ This is the kind of thing you see if you sit in the darkness with open eyes. ❜ ❨631❩ ❛ I have done something wrong, something so huge I can't even see it, something that's drowning me. ❜ ❨632❩ ❛ Whatever is happening to me is my own fault. ❜ ❨633❩ ❛ Hatred is easier. Hatred is clear, metallic, one-handed, unwavering; unlike love. ❜ ❨634❩ ❛ Potential has a shelf life. ❜ ❨635❩ ❛ Don’t move. Stay like that, let me have that. ❜ ❨636❩ ❛ I have come to the edge, of the land. I could get pushed over. ❜ ❨637❩ ❛ Never pray for justice, because you might get some. ❜ ❨638❩ ❛ It disturbs me to learn I have hurt someone unintentionally. I want all my hurts to be intentional. ❜ ❨639❩ ❛ We have been shark to one another, but also lifeboat. That counts for something. ❜ ❨640❩ ❛ This is what I miss, not something that’s gone, but something that will never happen. ❜ ❨641❩ ❛ I am not good. I know too much to be good. I know myself. I know myself to be vengeful, greedy, secretive and sly. ❜ ❨642❩ ❛ You are amazing. Amazing and agonising and almost lethal. ❜ ❨643❩ ❛ In my dreams of this city I am always lost. ❜ ❨644❩ ❛ I don't know where these feelings have come from, I don’t know what I've done. ❜ ❨645❩ ❛ I am not the centre of your story, you are.  ❜ ❨646❩ ❛ I’m mad because you’re an asshole. ❜ ❨647❩ ❛ It's enormously pleasing to me, walking away. It's like being able to make people appear and vanish, at will. ❜ ❨648❩ ❛ There is never only one of anyone. ❜ ❨649❩ ❛ I can't do this without feeling I'm acting. ❜ ❨650❩ ❛ I am prepared for almost anything; except absence, except silence. ❜ ❨651❩ ❛ I’m losing my appetite for strangers. ❜ ❨652❩ ❛ You wear your cravings on the outside, like the suckers on a squid. You want it all. ❜ ❨653❩ ❛ Knowing too much about other people weakens you. You are forced to understand their reasons for doing things. ❜ ❨654❩ ❛ I have lost confidence: perhaps all I will ever be is what I am now. ❜ ❨655❩ ❛ Echoes of light, shining out of the midst of nothing. It's old light, and there's not much of it. But it's enough to see by. ❜ ❨656❩ ❛ Whoever cares the most will lose. ❜ ❨657❩ ❛ Young women need unfairness, it’s one of their few defences.  ❜ ❨658❩ ❛ Time has gone on without you. ❜ ❨659❩ ❛ Don't let the bastards grind you down. ❜ ❨660❩ ❛ Who can remember pain, once it’s over? Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. ❜ ❨661❩ ❛ Better never means better for everyone. It always means worse, for some. ❜ ❨662❩ ❛ There is more than one kind of freedom. Freedom to and freedom from. ❜ ❨663❩ ❛ Remember that forgiveness too is a power. ❜ ❨664❩ ❛ I am not your justification for existence. ❜ ❨665❩ ❛ I want to be valued, in ways that I am not; I want to be more than valuable. ❜ ❨666❩ ❛ If it's a story I'm telling, then I have control over the ending. ❜ ❨667❩ ❛ All you have to do is keep your mouth shut and look stupid. It shouldn't be that hard. ❜ ❨668❩ ❛ Truly amazing, what people can get used to, as long as there are a few compensations. ❜ ❨669❩ ❛ I want everything back, the way it was. ❜ ❨670❩ ❛ You can't help what you feel, but you can help how you behave. ❜ ❨671❩ ❛ Nothing changes instantaneously: in a gradually heating bathtub you'd be boiled to death before you knew it. ❜ ❨672❩ ❛ To want is to have a weakness. ❜ ❨673❩ ❛ There isn't even an enemy you could put your finger on. ❜ ❨674❩ ❛ The past is a great darkness, filled with echoes. ❜ ❨675❩ ❛ Ordinary is what you are used to. This may not seem ordinary to you now, but after a time it will. It will become ordinary. ❜ ❨676❩ ❛ I wish this story were different. I wish it were more civilised. I wish it showed me in a better light. ❜ ❨677❩ ❛ The night is mine, my own time, to do with it as I will, as long as I am quiet. As long as I don't move. As long as I lie still. ❜ ❨678❩ ❛ By telling you anything at all I'm at least believing in you. ❜ ❨679❩ ❛ Whatever is silenced will clamour to be heard. ❜ ❨680❩ ❛ Don't worry about forgiving me right now. There are more important things. ❜ ❨681❩ ❛ Keep the others safe. Don't let them suffer too much. If they have to die, let it be fast. ❜ ❨682❩ ❛ The body is so easily damaged, so easily disposed of, water and chemicals is all it is, hardly more to it than a jellyfish, drying on sand. ❜ ❨683❩ ❛ The world is full of weapons if you're looking for them. ❜ ❨684❩ ❛ Nobody's heart is perfect. ❜ ❨685❩ ❛ One false move and I'm dead. ❜ ❨686❩ ❛ Watch out. I've got my eye on you. ❜ ❨687❩ ❛ Fear is a powerful stimulant. ❜ ❨688❩ ❛ I couldn't afford to lose you. ❜ ❨689❩ ❛ Name one hero who was happy. ---- You can’t. ❜ ❨690❩ ❛ I feel like I could eat the world raw. ❜ ❨691❩ ❛ We are like gods at the dawning of the world. ❜ ❨692❩ ❛ I could recognise him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. ❜ ❨693❩ ❛ There are no bargains between lion and men. I will kill you and eat you raw. ❜ ❨694❩ ❛ You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature. ❜ ❨695❩ ❛ He is a weapon, a killer. Do not forget it. ❜ ❨696❩ ❛ Some men gain glory after they die, others fade. ❜ ❨697❩ ❛ I am made of memories. ❜ ❨698❩ ❛ Will you come with me? ❜ ❨699❩ ❛ I wish I had let you all die. ❜ ❨700❩ ❛ It is right to seek peace for the dead. You and I both know there is no peace for those who live after. ❜ ❨701❩ ❛ Bury us. Let us be free. ❜ ❨702❩ ❛ Go. He waits for you. ❜ ❨703❩ ❛ Nothing could eclipse the stain of this dirty, mortal mediocrity. ❜ ❨704❩ ❛ I know I have told you of this. ❜ ❨705❩ ❛ I don't know how you remember them all. I swear they look the same to me. ❜ ❨706❩ ❛ Perhaps you should get some new stories, so I don’t fucking kill myself of boredom. ❜ ❨707❩ ❛ I yearn for the darkness and silence of the underworld, where I can rest. ❜ ❨708❩ ❛ There is no honour in betraying your friends. ❜ ❨709❩ ❛ There is no answer. Whichever you choose, you are wrong. ❜ ❨710❩ ❛ Divine blood flows differently. ❜ ❨711❩ ❛ How is there glory in taking life? We die so easily. ❜ ❨712❩ ❛ This is what I will miss, I think. I will kill myself rather than miss it. ❜ ❨713❩ ❛ How long do we have? ❜ ❨714❩ ❛ Do you think we fight hopeless wars? ❜ ❨715❩ ❛ There is no law that gods must be fair. ❜ ❨716❩ ❛ I do not fear ridicule. I never have. ❜ ❨717❩ ❛ You were always better with words than I. ❜ ❨718❩ ❛ Who can be ashamed to lose to such beauty? ❜ ❨719❩ ❛ When you see beauty in desolation it changes something inside you. ❜ ❨720❩ ❛ That's how the madness of the world tries to colonise you: from the outside in, forcing you to live in its reality. ❜ ❨721❩ ❛ The shadows of the abyss are like the petals of a monstrous flower that shall blossom within the skull and expand the mind beyond what any man can bear. ❜ ❨722❩ ❛ Silence creates violence. ❜ ❨723❩ ❛ Some questions will ruin you if you are denied the answer long enough. ❜ ❨724❩ ❛ There are certain kinds of connections that are so deep that when broken you feel the snap of it inside you. ❜ ❨725❩ ❛ Nothing that ever lived and breathed was truly objective—even in a vacuum, even if all that possessed the brain was a self-immolating desire for the truth. ❜ ❨726❩ ❛ We all live in a kind of continuous dream. ❜ ❨727❩ ❛ You can either waste time worrying about a death that might not come or concentrate on what’s left to you. ❜ ❨728❩ ❛ What can you do when your five senses are not enough? ❜ ❨729❩ ❛ We will neither be what we had been nor what we would become once we reach our destination. ❜ ❨730❩ ❛ Perhaps my only real expertise, my only talent, is to endure beyond the endurable. ❜ ❨731❩ ❛ When you are too close to the centre of a mystery there is no way to pull back. ❜ ❨732❩ ❛ I long ago stopped believing in promises. Biological imperatives, yes. Environmental factors, yes. Promises, no. ❜ ❨733❩ ❛ I look not for shooting stars but for fixed ones, and I try to imagine what kind of life lives in those celestial tidal pools so far from us. ❜ ❨734❩ ❛ I hesitated for just a moment. Some part of me wanted to see the creature, I think. If so, it was a very small part. I ran. ❜ ❨735❩ ❛ I don’t require any of this to have a deeper meaning. ❜ ❨736❩ ❛ All of this speculation is incomplete, inexact, inaccurate, useless. ❜ ❨737❩ ❛ We don’t have real answers, because we still don’t know what questions to ask. Our instruments are useless, our methodology broken, our motivations selfish. ❜ ❨738❩ ❛ This part I will do alone. Don’t follow. ❜ ❨739❩ ❛ People my entire life have told me I am too much in control, but that has never been the case. I have never truly been in control. ❜ ❨740❩ ❛ Has there always been someone like me to bury the bodies, to have regrets, to carry on after everyone else was dead? ❜ ❨741❩ ❛ I loved them, but I didn’t need them, and I thought that was the way it was supposed to be. ❜ ❨742❩ ❛ Places can impress themselves upon me, and I can become part of them with ease. ❜ ❨743❩ ❛ There is no one with me. I am all by myself. ❜ ❨744❩ ❛ Pretending often leads to becoming a reasonable facsimile of what you mimic. ❜ ❨745❩ ❛ I think you're confusing suicide with self-destruction, and they're very different. Almost none of us commit suicide, whereas almost all of us self-destruct. ❜ ❨746❩ ❛ What did you eat? You had rations for only two weeks. You were there for nearly four months. ❜ ❨747❩ ❛ Something here is making giant waves in the gene pool. ❜ ❨748❩ ❛ I need to know what’s inside. ❜ ❨749❩ ❛ These aren't decisions. They're impulses ❜ ❨750❩ ❛ What do you think I do when you’re away? Do you think I’m out in the garden pinning, looking up at the sky? ❜ ❨751❩ ❛ If I know what’s happened I can save their life. ❜ ❨752❩ ❛ They either went crazy or something in here killed them. ❜ ❨753❩ ❛ Something is coming through the fence! ❜ ❨754❩ ❛ Nothing is written in the stars. Not these stars, nor any others. No one controls your destiny. ❜ ❨755❩ ❛ People who claim that they're evil are usually no worse than the rest of us. ❜ ❨756❩ ❛ Happy endings are still endings. ❜ ❨757❩ ❛ We believe in all sorts of things that aren't true; -- we call it history. ❜ ❨758❩ ❛ Does the devil ever struggle to be good again, or if so is he not a devil? ❜ ❨759❩ ❛ In the lives of children, pumpkins turn into coaches, mice and rats turn into men. When we grow up, we realise it is far more common for men to turn into rats. ❜ ❨760❩ ❛ Girls need cold anger. They need the cold simmer, the ceaseless grudge, the talent to avoid forgiveness, the side stepping of compromise.  ❜ ❨761❩ ❛ Love makes hunters of us all. ❜ ❨762❩ ❛ There is much to hate in this world and way too much to love. ❜ ❨763❩ ❛ You confuse not speaking with not listening. ❜ ❨764❩ ❛ As long as people are going to call you a lunatic anyway, why not get the benefit of it? It liberates you from convention. ❜ ❨765❩ ❛ The eye is always caught by light, but shadows have more to say. ❜ ❨766❩ ❛ Not everyone is born a witch or a saint. Not everyone is born talented, or crooked, or blessed; some are born definite in no particular at all. ❜ ❨767❩ ❛ We are a fountain of shimmering contradictions, most of us. ❜ ❨768❩ ❛ The wickedness of men is that their power breeds stupidity and blindness. ❜ ❨769❩ ❛ I know you don't want to hear this but someone has to say it! You are out of control! ❜ ❨770❩ ❛ Even at the very worst - there is always choice. ❜ ❨771❩ ❛ Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it. ❜ ❨772❩ ❛ Cross a man and you struggle, one of you wins, you adjust and go on -- or you lie there dead. Cross a woman and the entire universe is changed. ❜ ❨773❩ ❛ That was such a wonderful time, even in its strangeness and sadness. Life isn't the same now. It's wonderful, but it isn't the same. ❜ ❨774❩ ❛ I don't care for approval, and I don't mind doing without. ❜ ❨775❩ ❛ It's where I live. A permanent state of bereavement. This is nothing new. ❜ ❨776❩ ❛ Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Always the godfather, never the god. ❜ ❨777❩ ❛ The world unwraps itself to you, again and again as soon as you are ready to see it anew. ❜ ❨778❩ ❛ Evil is an act, not an appetite. Everyone has the appetite. If you give in to it, that act is evil. The appetite is normal. ❜ ❨779❩ ❛ How many haven't wanted to slash the throat of some boor across the dining room table?  ❜ ❨780❩ ❛ Even God used silence as a strategy. ❜ ❨781❩ ❛ I learned failure early and mastered it. ❜ ❨782❩ ❛ It isn't whether you do it well or ill, it's that you do it all. ❜ ❨783❩ ❛ This is why you shouldn't fall in love, it blinds you. Love is a very wicked distraction. ❜ ❨784❩ ❛ Wisdom is not the understanding of mystery. Wisdom is accepting that mystery is beyond understanding. That's what makes it mystery. ❜ ❨785❩ ❛ Wrong takes an awful long time to be proven, in my experience. ❜ ❨786❩ ❛ Such brightness, as you know, decays brilliantly. ❜ ❨787❩ ❛ I take responsibility only for the future, not the past. The past can't hurt you the way the future can. ❜ ❨788❩ ❛ Tell me to mind my own business, tell me to go fuck myself, to piss off, go on, say it, but don’t tell me nothing’s wrong. ❜ ❨789❩ ❛ The truth isn't a thing of fact or reason. It is simply what everyone agrees on. ❜ ❨790❩ ❛ One can't make peace with another by force. ❜ ❨791❩ ❛ I am a forgettable leaf on a tree. ❜ ❨792❩ ❛ That's all I want; --- to do no harm. ❜ ❨793❩ ❛ I only believe in the opposite of luck, whatever that is. ❜ ❨794❩ ❛ Human beings are not born once and for all on the day their mothers give birth to them, life obliges them over and over again to give birth to themselves. ❜ ❨795❩ ❛ You’re too young to know that the heart's memory eliminates the bad and magnifies the good, and thanks to that we manage to endure the burden of the past. ❜ ❨796❩ ❛ Love, no matter what else it might be, is a natural talent. You are either born knowing how, or you never know. ❜ ❨797❩ ❛ Whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life. ❜ ❨798❩ ❛ There is no God worth worrying about. ❜ ❨799❩ ❛ The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love. ❜ ❨800❩ ❛ Wisdom comes to us when it can no longer do any good. ❜ ❨801❩ ❛ Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the very end in itself. ❜ ❨802❩ ❛ Only God knows how much I love you. ❜ ❨803❩ ❛ There is no greater glory than to die for love. ❜ ❨804❩ ❛ Nothing resembles a person as much as the way he dies. ❜ ❨805❩ ❛ Take advantage of it now, while you are young, and suffer all you can, because these things don't last your whole life. ❜ ❨806❩ ❛ Today, when I saw you, I realised that what is between us is nothing more than an illusion. ❜ ❨807❩ ❛ I have waited for this opportunity for more than half a century. ❜ ❨808❩ ❛ I want to be myself again, to recover all that I was obliged to give up. ❜ ❨809❩ ❛ The only thing worse than bad health is a bad name. ❜ ❨810❩ ❛ This soup tastes like windows. ❜ ❨811❩ ❛ Why do you insist on talking about what does not exist? ❜ ❨812❩ ❛ One has to live a long time to know a man's true nature. ❜ ❨813❩ ❛ No, not rich, I am a poor man with money, which is not the same thing. ❜ ❨814❩ ❛ My heart has more rooms than a whorehouse. ❜ ❨815❩ ❛ That may be the reason he does so many things, so that he will not have to think. ❜ ❨816❩ ❛ Love if it exists, is something separate: another life. ❜ ❨817❩ ❛ Things did not go as badly for me as they would for you. ❜ ❨818❩ ❛ There are things you do only for love. ❜ ❨819❩ ❛ I’ll have plenty of time to rest when I die. ❜ ❨820❩ ❛ There is no innocence more dangerous than the innocence of age. ❜ ❨821❩ ❛ You treat me as if I were just anybody. ❜ ❨822❩ ❛ The symptoms of love are the same as those of cholera. ❜ ❨823❩ ❛ There is no law, human or divine, that you have not ignored. ❜ ❨824❩ ❛ Why is it that I feel I've known you so many years? ❜ ❨825❩ ❛ Stuff your eyes with wonder, live as if you'd drop dead in ten seconds. See the world. It's more fantastic than any dream made or paid for in factories. ❜ ❨826❩ ❛ It doesn't matter what you do, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that's like you after you take your hands away. ❜ ❨827❩ ❛ We need to be really bothered once in a while. How long is it since you were really bothered? About something important, about something real? ❜ ❨828❩ ❛ There must be something, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing. ❜ ❨829❩ ❛ If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn. ❜ ❨830❩ ❛ If you drown, at least die knowing you were heading for shore. ❜ ❨831❩ ❛ You can't make people listen. They have to come round in their own time, wondering what happened and why the world blew up around them. ❜ ❨832❩ ❛ It was a pleasure to burn. ❜ ❨833❩ ❛ I'm antisocial, they say. I don't mix. It's so strange. I'm very social indeed. It all depends on what you mean by social, doesn't it? ❜ ❨834❩ ❛ Being with people is nice. But I don't think it's social to get a bunch of people together and then not let them talk, do you? ❜ ❨835❩ ❛ Do you notice how people hurt each other nowadays? ❜ ❨836❩ ❛ Who knows who might be the target of the well-read man? ❜ ❨837❩ ❛ I don't talk things. I talk the meaning of things. ❜ ❨838❩ ❛ I'll hold on to the world tight some day. I've got one finger on it now; that's a beginning. ❜ ❨839❩ ❛ I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough it'll make sense. ❜ ❨840❩ ❛ That's the good part of dying; when you've nothing to lose, you run any risk you want. ❜ ❨841❩ ❛ Someday we'll build the biggest goddamn steamshovel in history and dig the biggest grave of all time and shove war in it and cover it up. ❜ ❨842❩ ❛ You're not like the others. I've seen a few; I know. When I talk, you look at me. ❜ ❨843❩ ❛ You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by. ❜ ❨844❩ ❛ When they give you lined paper, write the other way. ❜ ❨845❩ ❛ The sun burnt every day. It burnt time. ❜ ❨846❩ ❛ We have everything we need to be happy but we aren't happy. Something is missing. ❜ ❨847❩ ❛ I feel I'm doing what I should've done a lifetime ago. ❜ ❨848❩ ❛ I'm not afraid. Maybe it's because I'm doing the right thing at last. Maybe it's because I've done a rash thing and don't want to look the coward to you. ❜ ❨849❩ ❛ Good God, who were those men? I never saw them before in my life! ❜ ❨850❩ ❛ How do you get so empty? Who takes it out of you? ❜ ❨851❩ ❛ It must be right. It seems so right. ❜ ❨852❩ ❛ To everything there is a season. Yes. A time to break down, and a time to build up. A time to keep silence and a time to speak. ❜ ❨853❩ ❛ It's my game. And no one can help me. Not even you. ❜ ❨854❩ ❛ What makes earth feel like hell is our expectation that it should feel like heaven. Earth is earth. Dead is dead. You’ll find out for yourself soon enough. ❜ ❨855❩ ❛ Death is a long process. Your body is just the first part of you that croaks. Beyond that, your dreams have to die. Then your expectations. Your anger and memories must die. Your ego. Your pride and shame and ambition and hope. ❜ ❨856❩ ❛ Help me give up my addiction to hope. ❜ ❨857❩ ❛ Life is short, death is forever. ❜ ❨858❩ ❛ Hope is something really tough and tenacious you have to give up. It’s an addiction to break. ❜ ❨859❩ ❛ If the living are haunted by the dead, then the dead are haunted by their own mistakes. ❜ ❨860❩ ❛ We all wish to be pursued. We all long to be desired. ❜ ❨861❩ ❛ All the demons of hell formerly reigned as gods in previous cultures. No it's not fair, but one man's god is another man's devil. ❜ ❨862❩ ❛ I can become someone else, not out of pressure and desperation, but merely because a new life sounds fun or interesting or joyful. ❜ ❨863❩ ❛ It's my petty fear of personal rejection that allows so many true evils to exist. My cowardice enables atrocities. ❜ ❨864❩ ❛ You fucked up. Game over. So just relax. ❜ ❨865❩ ❛ The greatest weapon any warrior can carry into battle is absolute certainty of her eternal soul. ❜ ❨866❩ ❛ If killing you will end my existence as well, be it. Small loss. Such a life, as your puppet, is not worth living. ❜ ❨867❩ ❛ I might be a touch of a sadist and a little bit jejune but at least I'm not a victim, not any longer. I hope. ❜ ❨868❩ ❛ Dying seems like the greatest weakness, and in a world where people say you're lazy for not shaving your legs, then being dead seems like the ultimate character flaw. ❜ ❨869❩ ❛ Any concept of right versus wrong, is merely a cultural construct relative to one specific time and place. ❜ ❨870❩ ❛ To prove that I exist I must kill you. ❜ ❨871❩ ❛ I'd say that my life has been a way-too-long case history of chasing rainbows. ❜ ❨872❩ ❛ The world is a battle for attention, a war to be heard. ❜ ❨873❩ ❛ Every garden looks beautiful in May. ❜ ❨874❩ ❛ When we neglect to fear such brittle monstrosity, we render it powerless. ❜ ❨875❩ ❛ My taste for power continues to grow, as does my ability to accrue it. ❜ ❨876❩ ❛ Such language! Why don't you just take a dump in my ears? ❜ ❨877❩ ❛ You’d be foolish to count on people displaying high standards of honesty. ❜ ❨878❩ ❛ Depending on her mood, she can be more frightening than any demon or devil you might ever run across. ❜ ❨879❩ ❛ Cross your fingers! Maybe death won't happen to you. ❜ ❨880❩ ❛ Do not die while wearing cheap shoes. ❜ ❨881❩ ❛ Old habits die hard. ❜ ❨882❩ ❛ It's our attachments to a fixed identity that torture us. ❜ ❨883❩ ❛ What do I think I am? In a thousand words; I don't have a clue. ❨884❩ ❛ If I am to be saved it is because your love redeems me. ❜ ❨885❩ ❛ All I wanted was to be loved for myself. ❜ ❨886❩ ❛ I have tasted all the happiness the world can offer. ❜ ❨887❩ ❛ Shall we pity him? Shall we curse him? ❜ ❨888❩ ❛ You have a heart that can hold the entire empire of the world. ❜ ❨889❩ ❛ Look, I am not laughing now, crying, crying for you. ❜ ❨890❩ ❛ Tonight I gave you my soul, and I am dead. ❜ ❨891❩ ❛ You are afraid of me! And yet I am not really wicked. Love me and you shall see! ❜ ❨892❩ ❛ Are people so unhappy when they love? --- Yes, when they love and are not sure of being loved. ❜ ❨893❩ ❛ Your soul is a beautiful thing. No emperor received so fair a gift. The angels wept tonight. ❜ ❨894❩ ❛ Blood!...Blood!... That's a good thing! ❜ ❨895❩ ❛ Now I want to live like everybody else. I want to have a life like everybody else. ❜ ❨896❩ ❛ You will be the happiest of women. And we will sing, all by ourselves, till we swoon away with delight. ❜ ❨897❩ ❛ I should be as gentle as a lamb; and you could do anything with me that you pleased. ❜ ❨898❩ ❛ I am going to die of love, I am dying of love. That's how it is. I loved you so. I still love you so. ❜ ❨899❩ ❛ I am dying of love for her, I tell you! If only you knew how beautiful she was when she let me kiss her. ❜ ❨900❩ ❛ He fills me with horror but I do not hate him. How can I hate him? ❜ ❨901❩ ❛ Holy angel, in Heaven blessed, my spirit longs with thee to rest. ❜ ❨902❩ ❛ Nothing is colder or more dead than my heart. ❜ ❨903❩ ❛ I had loved an angel and now I despise a woman. ❜ ❨904❩ ❛ Our lives are one masked ball. ❜ ❨905❩ ❛ Why do you condemn a man whom you have never met, whom no one knows and about whom even you yourself know nothing? ❜ ❨906❩ ❛ He would commit murder for me. ❜ ❨907❩ ❛ If I don't save her from the hands of that humbug, she is lost. But I shall save her. ❜ ❨908❩ ❛ We will go from here together or die together. ❜ ❨909❩ ❛ Your fear, your terror, all of that is just love and love of the most exquisite kind, the kind which people do not admit even to themselves. The kind that gives you a thrill, when you think of it. ❜ ❨910❩ ❛ Destiny has chained you to me forever. ❜ ❨911❩ ❛ You must never ask me that. ❜ ❨912❩ ❛ Are you afraid that you will change your mind? ❜ ❨913❩ ❛ You must come and fetch me in my dressing room at midnight exactly. ❜ ❨914❩ ❛ The holes in your life are permanent. You have to grow around them, like tree roots around concrete; you mould yourself through the gaps. ❜ ❨915❩ ❛ I have never understood how people can blithely disregard the damage they do by following their hearts. ❜ ❨916❩ ❛ There’s something comforting about the sight of strangers safe at home. ❜ ❨917❩ ❛ I have lost control over everything, even the places in my head. ❜ ❨918❩ ❛ It’s possible to miss what you’ve never had, to even mourn for it. ❜ ❨919❩ ❛ There’s nothing so painful, so corrosive, as suspicion. ❜ ❨920❩ ❛ When did you become so weak? ❜ ❨921❩ ❛ I don’t know where that strength went, I don’t remember losing it. I think that over time it got chipped away, bit by bit, by life, by the living of it. ❜ ❨922❩ ❛ Let’s be honest: women are still only really valued for two things—their looks and their role as mothers. ❜ ❨923❩ ❛ Sadness gets boring after a while, for the sad person and for everyone around them. ❜ ❨924❩ ❛ I’m playing at real life instead of actually living it. ❜ ❨925❩ ❛ I’ve just got to let myself feel the pain, because if I don’t, if I keep numbing it, it’ll never really go away. ❜ ❨926❩ ❛ I am not the girl I used to be. I am no longer desirable, I’m off-putting in some way. It’s as if people can see the damage written all over me, can see it in my face, the way I hold myself, the way I move. ❜ ❨927❩ ❛ Who was it that said following your heart is a good thing? It is pure egotism, a selfishness to conquer all. ❜ ❨928❩ ❛ It’s impossible to resist the kindness of strangers. ❜ ❨929❩ ❛ Sometimes I catch myself trying to remember the last time I had meaningful physical contact with another person, just a hug or a heartfelt squeeze of my hand, and my heart twitches. ❜ ❨930❩ ❛ I have to find a way of making myself happy, I have to stop looking for happiness elsewhere. ❜ ❨931❩ ❛ How did I find myself here? I wonder where it started, my decline; I wonder at what point I could have halted it. Where did I take the wrong turn? ❜ ❨932❩ ❛ Now look -- Now look what you made me do. ❜ ❨933❩ ❛ It’s okay, whatever you did, whatever you’ve done: you suffered, you hurt, you deserve forgiveness. ❜ ❨934❩ ❛ They’re what I lost, they’re everything I want to be. ❜ ❨935❩ ❛ You broke me and I broke us. ❜ ❨936❩ ❛ I’ve been the fool. If he does it with you, he’ll do it to you. ❜ ❨937❩ ❛ I’d never realised, not until now, how shameful it is to be pitied. ❜ ❨938❩ ❛ Sometimes, I don’t want to go anywhere, I think I’ll be happy if I never have to set foot outside the house again. ❜ ❨939❩ ❛ I don’t believe in soul mates, but there’s an understanding between us that I just haven’t felt before, or at least, not for a long time. ❜ ❨940❩ ❛ There can be no greater agony, nothing can be more painful than the not knowing, which will never end. ❜ ❨941❩ ❛ Being the other woman is a huge turn-on, there’s no point in denying it: you’re the one he can’t help but betray his wife for, even though he loves her. That’s just how irresistible you are. ❜ ❨942❩ ❛ I feel a rush of gratitude so strong, it feels almost like love. ❜ ❨943❩ ❛ You don’t know how determined I can be. Once I’ve made my mind up, I’m a force to be reckoned with. ❜ ❨944❩ ❛ The more I want to be oblivious, the less I can be. Life and light will not let me be. ❜ ❨945❩ ❛ You don’t have to be afraid of being alone. It’s not the worst thing, is it? ❜ ❨946❩ ❛ I have felt this way before. On a larger scale, to a more intense degree, of course, but I remember the quality of the pain. You don’t forget it. ❜ ❨947❩ ❛ If he thinks I’m going to sit around crying, he’s got another thing coming. ❜ ❨948❩ ❛ I don’t like to lose. It’s not like me. None of this is like me. I don’t get rejected. I’m the one who walks away. ❜ ❨949❩ ❛ I don’t remember anger, raging fury. I remember fear. ❜ ❨950❩ ❛ I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept in days. I hate it, hate insomnia more than anything, just lying there, brain going round, tick, tick, tick, tick. ❜ ❨951❩ ❛ Maybe the courage I need has nothing to do with telling the truth and everything to do with walking away. ❜ ❨952❩ ❛ I’m not beautiful, and I can’t have kids, so what does that make me? Worthless. ❜ ❨953❩ ❛ Failure cloaked me like a mantle, it overwhelmed me, dragged me under and I gave up hope. ❜ ❨954❩ ❛ It’s an odd thing to say, but I think this all the time; I don’t feel bad enough. ❜ ❨955❩ ❛ Some battles aren’t worth fighting. ❜ ❨956❩ ❛ I never felt guilty. I pretended I did. I had to. ❜ ❨957❩ ❛ I never meant for any of this to happen, we fell in love, what could we do? ❜ ❨958❩ ❛ What bothers me most is that I haven’t got to the end of my story, and I can’t start over with someone else, it’s too hard. ❜ ❨959❩ ❛ A person is, among all else, a material thing, easily torn and not easily mended. ❜ ❨960❩ ❛ It isn’t only wickedness and scheming that make people unhappy, it is confusion and misunderstanding. ❜ ❨961❩ ❛ Falling in love can be achieved in a single word—a glance. ❜ ❨962❩ ❛ Though you think the world is at your feet, it can rise up and tread on you. ❜ ❨963❩ ❛ I’ve never had a moment’s doubt. I love you. I believe in you completely. You are my dearest one. My reason for life. ❜ ❨964❩ ❛ It might hurt, it is horribly inconvenient, no good might come of it, but it is what it is to be in love. ❜ ❨965❩ ❛ It was always an impossible task, and that was precisely the point. ❜ ❨966❩ ❛ Come back, come back to me. ❜ ❨967❩ ❛ In my thoughts I make love to you all day long. ❜ ❨968❩ ❛ The truth is I feel rather light headed and foolish in your presence and I don’t think I can blame the heat. ❜ ❨969❩ ❛ Beauty occupies a narrow band. Ugliness, on the other hand, has infinite variation. ❜ ❨970❩ ❛ Is there any meaning in my life that the inevitable death awaiting me does not destroy? ❜ ❨971❩ ❛ However, withered, I still feel myself to be exactly the same person I’ve always been. ❜ ❨972❩ ❛ Hate is a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. ❜ ❨973❩ ❛ I’m going mad. Let me not be mad. ❜ ❨974❩ ❛ Is everyone really as alive as I am? ❜ ❨975❩ ❛ Every now and then, quite unintentionally, someone teaches you something about yourself. ❜ ❨976❩ ❛ Something has happened, hasn’t it? ❜ ❨977❩ ❛ I like to think that it isn’t weakness or evasion, but a final act of kindness. ❜ ❨978❩ ❛ Is it possible that I am, in the modern term, in denial? ❜ ❨979❩ ❛ How could anyone presume to know the world through the eyes of an insect? ❜ ❨980❩ ❛ Not everything has a cause. Some things are simply so. ❜ ❨981❩ ❛ I’ll be quite honest with you. I’m torn between breaking your neck here and throwing you down the stairs. ❜ ❨982❩ ❛ How old do you have to be before you know the difference between right and wrong? ❜ ❨983❩ ❛ It was never meant to be read. ❜ ❨984❩ ❛ If I fell in the river, would you save me? ❜ ❨985❩ ❛ That was an incredibly bloody stupid thing to do. ❜ ❨986❩ ❛ I want to thank you for saving my life. I’ll be eternally grateful to you. ❜ ❨987❩ ❛ I’m very, very sorry for the terrible distress that I have caused. I’m very, very sorry. ❜ ❨988❩ ❛ Don’t call me that! – Please don’t call me that. ❜ ❨989❩ ❛ It may be the wrong decision, but fuck it, it’s mine. ❜ ❨990❩ ❛ Like patience, passion comes from the same Latin root: pati. It does not mean to flow with exuberance. It means to suffer. ❜ ❨991❩ ❛ No one ever really gets used to nightmares. ❜ ❨992❩ ❛ I still get nightmares. In fact, I get them so often I should be used to them by now. I’m not. ❜ ❨993❩ ❛ Sublime is something you choke on after a shot of tequila. ❜ ❨994❩ ❛ Some people reflect light, some deflect it, you by some miracle, seem to collect it. ❜ ❨995❩ ❛ Beautiful women are always drawn to men they think will keep them beautiful. ❜ ❨996❩ ❛ The ruminations are mine, let the world be yours. ❜ ❨997❩ ❛ You will fulfil a promise I made years ago but failed to keep. ❜ ❨998❩ ❛ Darkness never satisfies. Especially if it takes something away which it almost always invariably does. ❜ ❨999❩ ❛ I want something else. I’m not even sure what to call it anymore. ❜ ❨1000❩ ❛ What can I say, I’m a sucker for abandoned stuff, misplaced stuff, forgotten stuff, any old stuff. ❜ ❨1001❩ ❛ Is it possible to love something so much, you imagine it wants to destroy you only because it has denied you? ❜ ❨1002❩ ❛ It’s just silent, no sound at all. It’s like something’s waiting. ❜ ❨1003❩ ❛ I guess I’m hoping the weapons will make me feel better, grant me some kind of fucking control. ❜ ❨1004❩ ❛ Oh and something else: – Fuck you. ❜ ❨1005❩ ❛ God I’ve never been afraid like this. ❜ ❨1006❩ ❛ I miss you. I love you. There’s no second I’ve lived that you can’t call your own. ❜ ❨1007❩ ❛ I’m so tired. Sleep’s been stalking me for too long to remember. Inevitable I suppose. ❜ ❨1008❩ ❛ Not seeing the rip doesn’t mean you automatically get to keep clear of the Hey-I’m-Bleeding part. ❜ ❨1009❩ ❛ These days fantasies flourish and die like summer flies. ❜ ❨1010❩ ❛ Yeah I know, I know. This shit’s getting ridiculous. ❜ ❨1011❩ ❛ ‘Fuck’ and 'fall for’ have very different meanings. The first one you do as much as you can. The second one you never ever, ever do. ❜ ❨1012❩ ❛ It’s a nice idea but it reeks of hope. False hope. ❜ ❨1013❩ ❛ It’s, well…one thing in two words: fucked up…very fucked up. Okay three words, four words, who the hell cares…very very fucked up. ❜ ❨1014❩ ❛ Do you think I could spend the night at your place?  ❜ ❨1015❩ ❛ Any fool can pray. ❜ ❨1016❩ ❛ I feel like I haven’t slept in months. My neighbours are scared of me. ❜ ❨1017❩ ❛ I’ve lost my mind? Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I’m just really drunk. ❜ ❨1018❩ ❛ Perhaps by cleaning out my system I’ll come to a clearing where I can ease myself into peace. ❜ ❨1019❩ ❛ I should be dead. Why am I still here? ❜ ❨1020❩ ❛ Fuck if I know. Your guess is as good as mine. ❜ ❨1021❩ ❛ You are my flesh. You are my bones. I know you too well. I read you too perfectly. ❜ ❨1022❩ ❛ Not all complex problems have easy solutions. ❜ ❨1023❩ ❛ Do you believe in God? I don’t think I ever asked you that one. ❜ ❨1024❩ ❛ We all create stories to protect ourselves. ❜ ❨1025❩ ❛ Are you kidding me? This place is scary. ❜ ❨1026❩ ❛ These days the only thing that gets me outside is when I say: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you. Fuck me. Fuck this. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. ❜ ❨1027❩ ❛ You like that crap because it reminds you of you. ❜ ❨1028❩ ❛ You may suddenly realise things are not how you perceived them to be at all. ❜ ❨1029❩ ❛ The two hardest tests are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. ❜ ❨1030❩ ❛ People never learn anything by being told, they have to find out for themselves. ❜ ❨1031❩ ❛ Be crazy! But learn how to be crazy without being the center of attention. Be brave enough to live different. ❜ ❨1032❩ ❛ You are someone who is different, but who wants to be the same as everyone else. And that in my view is a serious illness. ❜ ❨1033❩ ❛ God chose you to be different. ❜ ❨1034❩ ❛ Why are you disappointing God with this kind of attitude? ❜ ❨1035❩ ❛ You have two choices, to control your mind or to let your mind control you. ❜ ❨1036❩ ❛ Everyone is indeed crazy, but the craziest are the ones who don't know they're crazy; they just keep repeating what others tell them to. ❜ ❨1037❩ ❛ Haven't you learned anything, not even with the approach of death?  ❜ ❨1038❩ ❛ If people don't like it, they can complain. And if they don't have the courage to complain, that's their problem. ❜ ❨1039❩ ❛ Nothing in this world happens by chance. ❜ ❨1040❩ ❛ I want to continue living my life the way I dream it, and not the way the other people want it to be. ❜ ❨1041❩ ❛ Be like the fountain that overflows, not like the cistern that merely contains. ❜ ❨1042❩ ❛ Collective madness is called sanity. ❜ ❨1043❩ ❛ Consider each day a miracle - which indeed it is, when you consider the number of unexpected things that could happen in each second of our fragile existences. ❜ ❨1044❩ ❛ You say they create their own reality, but what is reality? ❜ ❨1045❩ ❛ Many people don't allow themselves to love because there are a lot of things at risk. A lot of future and a lot of past. ❜ ❨1046❩ ❛ Death frees from the fear of dying. ❜ ❨1047❩ ❛ The danger of an adventure is worth a thousand days of ease and comfort. ❜ ❨1048❩ ❛ The happier people can be, the unhappier they are. ❜ ❨1049❩ ❛ Life is always a matter of waiting for the right moment to act. ❜ ❨1050❩ ❛ It's best to accept life as it really is and not as you imagined it to be. ❜ ❨1051❩ ❛ You don't seem mad at all. ❜ ❨1052❩ ❛ We’re allowed to make a lot of mistakes in our lives, except the mistake that destroys us. ❜ ❨1053❩ ❛ You’re what you are, not what others make of you. ❜ ❨1054❩ ❛ Am I cured? ❜ ❨1055❩ ❛ Real love changes and grows with time and discovers new ways of expressing itself. ❜ ❨1056❩ ❛ A lot of people think something is right, and so that thing becomes right. Is that it? ❜ ❨1057❩ ❛ They think they're normal, because they all do the same thing. ❜ ❨1058❩ ❛ I didn't know that other ‘me’s existed inside me, ‘Me’s that I could love. ❜ ❨1059❩ ❛ I have no idea what's awaiting me. ❜ ❨1060❩ ❛ What will happen when this all ends? ❜ ❨1061❩ ❛ I know that you are capable of great deeds. ❜ ❨1062❩ ❛ A loveless world is a dead world, and always there comes an hour when one is weary of prisons, of one's work, and of devotion to duty, and all one craves for is a loved face, the warmth and wonder of a loving heart. ❜ ❨1063❩ ❛ The truth is that everyone is bored. ❜ ❨1064❩ ❛ I feel more fellowship with the defeated than with saints. Heroism and sanctity don't really appeal to me, I imagine. ❜ ❨1065❩ ❛ If there is one thing one can always yearn for, and sometimes attain, it is human love. ❜ ❨1066❩ ❛ Who would dare to assert that eternal happiness can compensate for even a single moment's suffering? ❜ ❨1067❩ ❛ It's not easy. I've been thinking it over for years. ❜ ❨1068❩ ❛ While we loved each other we didn't need words to make ourselves understood. ❜ ❨1069❩ ❛ People are more often bad than good. ❜ ❨1070❩ ❛ I don't believe in heroism; I know it's easy and I've learned that it can be murderous. ❜ ❨1071❩ ❛ What interests me is living and dying for what one loves. ❜ ❨1072❩ ❛ In fact, nobody is capable of really thinking about anyone, even in the worst calamity. ❜ ❨1073❩ ❛ Nothing in the world is worth turning one's back on what one loves. ❜ ❨1074❩ ❛ Again and again there comes a time in history when the man who dares to say that two and two make four is punished with death. ❜ ❨1075❩ ❛ There are more things to admire in men then to despise. ❜ ❨1076❩ ❛ It is in the thick of calamity that one gets hardened to the truth - in other words, to silence. ❜ ❨1077❩ ❛ What on earth prompted you to take a hand in this? ❜ ❨1078❩ ❛ Your code of morals? What code, if I may ask? ❜ ❨1079❩ ❛ I'm fumbling in the dark, struggling to make something out. But I've long ceased finding anything. ❜ ❨1080❩ ❛ No doubt our love is still there, but quite simply it is unusable, heavy to carry, inert inside of us, sterile as crime or condemnation. ❜ ❨1081❩ ❛ I’m not happy to go, but one needn't be happy to make another start. ❜ ❨1082❩ ❛ I am incapable of suffering for a long time, or being happy for a long time. Which means that I am incapable of anything really worth while. ❜ ❨1083❩ ❛ I should have found the words to keep her with me. ❜ ❨1084❩ ❛ We can't stir a finger in this world without the risk of bringing death to somebody. ❜ ❨1085❩ ❛ The evil that is in the world comes out of ignorance, and good intentions may do as much harm as malevolence, if they lack understanding. ❜ ❨1086❩ ❛ There are always flies and itches. That’s why life is difficult to live. ❜ ❨1087❩ ❛ The best protection against anything is a good bottle of wine. ❜ ❨1088❩ ❛ There is no peace without hope. ❜ ❨1089❩ ❛ It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment. ❜ ❨1090❩ ❛ There is always something left to love. ❜ ❨1091❩ ❛ A person doesn’t die when he should but when he can. ❜ ❨1092❩ ❛ Things have a life of their own. It's simply a matter of waking up their souls. ❜ ❨1093❩ ❛ Tell me something: why are you fighting? ❜ ❨1094❩ ❛ I've come to realise only just now that I'm fighting because of pride. ❜ ❨1095❩ ❛ One minute of reconciliation is worth more than a whole life of friendship. ❜ ❨1096❩ ❛ It's better than not knowing why you're fighting. Or fighting, like you, for something that doesn't have any meaning for anyone. ❜ ❨1097❩ ❛ Holy Mother of God! ❜ ❨1098❩ ❛ A person does not belong to a place until there is someone dead under the ground. ❜ ❨1099❩ ❛ I was born a son of a bitch and I'm going to die a son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1100❩ ❛ Bad luck doesn't have any chinks in it. ❜ ❨1101❩ ❛ I plead youth as a mitigating circumstance. ❜ ❨1102❩ ❛ Get those bad thoughts out of your head. You're going to be happy. ❜ ❨1103❩ ❛ Children inherit their parents' madness. ❜ ❨1104❩ ❛ I'll turn to ashes in here but I won't give this miserable town the pleasure of seeing me weep. ❜ ❨1105❩ ❛ You would be good in a war. Where you put your eye, you put your bullet. ❜ ❨1106❩ ❛ Men demand much more than you think. ❜ ❨1107❩ ❛ Even the craziest and most persistent love is just a temporary truth. ❜ ❨1108❩ ❛ If we’re alone you can whisper in my ear any crap you can think of. ❜ ❨1109❩ ❛ You have taken this horrible game very seriously and you have done well because you are doing your duty. ❜ ❨1110❩ ❛ We have the right to pull down your pants and give you a whipping at the first sign of disrespect. ❜ ❨1111❩ ❛ What worries me is not your shooting me, because after all, for people like us it's a natural death. ❜ ❨1112❩ ❛ What worries me is that you've ended up as bad as they are. ❜ ❨1113❩ ❛ It is characteristic of men to deny hunger once their appetites are satisfied. ❜ ❨1114❩ ❛ Dying is much more difficult than one imagines. ❜ ❨1115❩ ❛ If you have to go crazy, please go crazy all by yourself! ❜ ❨1116❩ ❛ We have still not had a death. ❜ ❨1117❩ ❛ How awful, the way time passes. ❜ ❨1118❩ ❛ You may be in command of your war, but I'm in command of my house. ❜ ❨1119❩ ❛ I missed you every hour. ❜ ❨1120❩ ❛ You know what the worst part was? It caught me completely by surprise. ❜ ❨1121❩ ❛ I’ve risked my life for you. ❜ ❨1122❩ ❛ The problem with wanting is that it makes us weak. ❜ ❨1123❩ ❛ I love you, even the part of you that loved him. ❜ ❨1124❩ ❛ I’m sorry it took me so long to see you. ❜ ❨1125❩ ❛ I never really belonged anywhere. ❜ ❨1126❩ ❛ Thanks for being my best friend and making my life bearable.  ❜ ❨1127❩ ❛ Thanks for finding me. ❜ ❨1128❩ ❛ You and I are going to change the world. ❜ ❨1129❩ ❛ I’ve been waiting for you a long time. ❜ ❨1130❩ ❛ I’m not used to people trying to kill me. ❜ ❨1131❩ ❛ You’re shaking. ❜ ❨1132❩ ❛ There's nothing wrong with being a lizard. Unless you were born to be a hawk. ❜ ❨1133❩ ❛ Make me your villain. ❜ ❨1134❩ ❛ Just you and me. It’s always just you and me. ❜ ❨1135❩ ❛ Do you blame me for every mistake I made? For every dumb thing I’ve said? ❜ ❨1136❩ ❛ Well, if it gets too bad, give me a signal. ❜ ❨1137❩ ❛ Did you tell him what I showed you in the dark? ❜ ❨1138❩ ❛ Did you miss me when you were gone? ❜ ❨1139❩ ❛ What is infinite? The universe and the greed of men. ❜ ❨1140❩ ❛ You’re interfering with my plan. ❜ ❨1141❩ ❛ Too much champagne? ❜ ❨1142❩ ❛ I hope you don’t expect fairness from me. It isn’t one of my specialties. ❜ ❨1143❩ ❛ There is something more powerful than any army. Something strong enough to topple kings. Faith. ❜ ❨1144❩ ❛ All you said was that I had to kill you. You didn’t say how. ❜ ❨1145❩ ❛ What is she? She’s everything, you dumb son of a bitch. ❜ ❨1146❩ ❛ She’s an ugly little thing. No child should look like that. Pale and sour, like a glass of milk that’s turned. ❜ ❨1147❩ ❛ I wouldn’t make that mistake again. ❜ ❨1148❩ ❛ It’s a great honor, to save a life. You saved many. ❜ ❨1149❩ ❛ In this world, there are things you can only do alone. ❜ ❨1150❩ ❛ What seems like a reasonable distance to one person might feel too far to somebody else. ❜ ❨1151❩ ❛ If you really want to know something, you have to be willing to pay the price. ❜ ❨1152❩ ❛ Why should you be interested in me? ❜ ❨1153❩ ❛ I have been told I've got a darkish personality. A few times. ❜ ❨1154❩ ❛ It's not as if our lives are divided simply into light and dark. There's shadowy middle ground. ❜ ❨1155❩ ❛ I'll write to you. A super-long letter, like in an old-fashioned novel. ❜ ❨1156❩ ❛ The spotlight doesn't suit me. I'm more of a side dish. ❜ ❨1157❩ ❛ The ground we stand on looks solid enough, but if something happens it can drop right out from under you.  ❜ ❨1158❩ ❛ So once you're dead there's just nothing? ❜ ❨1159❩ ❛ If only I could fall sound asleep and wake up in my old reality. ❜ ❨1160❩ ❛ Is action merely the incidental product of thought, or is thought the consequential product of action? ❜ ❨1161❩ ❛ Nobody can shake off their own shadow. ❜ ❨1162❩ ❛ The silence is so deep it hurts. ❜ ❨1163❩ ❛ I may not look it, but I can be a very patient guy. ❜ ❨1164❩ ❛ Killing time is one of my specialities. ❜ ❨1165❩ ❛ You can't fight it. ❜ ❨1166❩ ❛ Tell me something,—do you believe in reincarnation? ❜ ❨1167❩ ❛ I can’t understand nothingness. I can’t understand it and I can’t imagine it. ❜ ❨1168❩ ❛ I can hardly breathe, and my whole body wants to shrink into a corner.  ❜ ❨1169❩ ❛ I do have a few things wrong with me, but those are strictly problems I keep inside. ❜ ❨1170❩ ❛ I can't take it any more, I can't go on any more. ❜ ❨1171❩ ❛ You don't really have it together. ❜ ❨1172❩ ❛ Is it against the law for me to know it? ❜ ❨1173❩ ❛ I keep having the same dream. ❜ ❨1174❩ ❛ Are you asking because you really want an answer? ❜ ❨1175❩ ❛ I hate this! I don't want to be changed this way! ❜ ❨1176❩ ❛ No contradictions, no irony. They do everything according to numerical formulas. ❜ ❨1177❩ ❛ Want to hear the rest? If you’re not interested, I can stop. ❜ ❨1178❩ ❛ If I didn’t have these memories inside me, I would’ve snapped a long time ago. I would’ve curled up in a ditch somewhere and died. ❜ ❨1179❩ ❛ I don’t know what you’re feeling. I won’t even pretend. ❜ ❨1180❩ ❛ What are you doing here, honey? ❜ ❨1181❩ ❛ You're not even old enough to know how bad life gets. ❜ ❨1182❩ ❛ You don't understand me. ❜ ❨1183❩ ❛ All wisdom ends in paradox. ❜ ❨1184❩ ❛ It is love that overthrows empire. Love that binds two hearts together, come hellfire & brimstone. ❜ ❨1185❩ ❛ I have lost my gift. ❜ ❨1186❩ ❛ Winter is the season of alcoholism and despair. ❜ ❨1187❩ ❛ The seeds of death get lost in the mess that God made us. ❜ ❨1188❩ ❛ They're just memories now. It’s time to forget. ❜ ❨1189❩ ❛ The time has to be right and the heart willing. ❜ ❨1190❩ ❛ The world, a tired performer, offers us another half-assed season. ❜ ❨1191❩ ❛ Capitalism has resulted in material well-being but spiritual bankruptcy. ❜ ❨1192❩ ❛ Grief is natural, overcoming it is a matter of choice. ❜ ❨1193❩ ❛ I want out of that decorating scheme. ❜ ❨1194❩ ❛ With most people suicide is like Russian roulette. Only one chamber has a bullet. ❜ ❨1195❩ ❛ You never get over it but you get where it doesn't bother you so much. ❜ ❨1196❩ ❛ Don't waste your time on life. ❜ ❨1197❩ ❛ I'm a teenager. I've got problems! ❜ ❨1198❩ ❛ Adolescents tend to seek love where they can find it. ❜ ❨1199❩ ❛ Obviously, you've never been a thirteen-year-old girl. ❜ ❨1200❩ ❛ It was a mistake. ❜ ❨1201❩ ❛ It seemed like we were supposed to feel sorry for everything that ever happened, ever. ❜ ❨1202❩ ❛ Buffeted but not broken. ❜ ❨1203❩ ❛ Shit. What have kids got to be worried about now? ❜ ❨1204❩ ❛ If they want trouble, they should go live in Bangladesh. ❜ ❨1205❩ ❛ I can't wait until I get out of here. ❜ ❨1206❩ ❛ When she jumped she probably thought she’d fly. ❜ ❨1207❩ ❛ I do not think the patient truly meant to end her life. Her act was a cry for help. ❜ ❨1208❩ ❛ You're a stone fox. ❜ ❨1209❩ ❛ It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight. ❜ ❨1210❩ ❛ Light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. ❜ ❨1211❩ ❛ He broke my heart. You merely broke my life. ❜ ❨1212❩ ❛ I'm sorry to have deceived you so much, but that's how life is. ❜ ❨1213❩ ❛ Words without experience are meaningless. ❜ ❨1214❩ ❛ I loved you. I was a monster, but I loved you. ❜ ❨1215❩ ❛ Come just as you are. ❜ ❨1216❩ ❛ If a violin string could ache, i would be that string. ❜ ❨1217❩ ❛ Perhaps, somewhere, some day, at a less miserable time, we may see each other again. ❜ ❨1218❩ ❛ What's so dreadful about dying is that you are completely on your own. ❜ ❨1219❩ ❛ Don't touch me; I'll die if you touch me. ❜ ❨1220❩ ❛ You took advantage of my disadvantage. ❜ ❨1221❩ ❛ I walk in a maze I cannot get out of. ❜ ❨1222❩ ❛ Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses. ❜ ❨1223❩ ❛ Imagine me; I shall not exist if you do not imagine me. ❜ ❨1224❩ ❛ There is no harm in smiling. ❜ ❨1225❩ ❛ There is no point in staying here. There is no point in staying anywhere. ❜ ❨1226❩ ❛ There is nothing more atrociously cruel than an adored child. ❜ ❨1227❩ ❛ I am so tired of being cynical. ❜ ❨1228❩ ❛ Come to live with me, and die with me, and everything with me. ❜ ❨1229❩ ❛ This is the only immortality that you and I may share. ❜ ❨1230❩ ❛ I loved her more than anything I had ever seen or imagined on earth, or hoped for anywhere else. ❜ ❨1231❩ ❛ I was despicable and brutal, and turpid, and everything, mais je t’aimais, je t’aimais! ❜ ❨1232❩ ❛ Years of secret suffering has taught me superhuman self-control. ❜ ❨1233❩ ❛ Solitude is corrupting me. I need company and care. ❜ ❨1234❩ ❛ I've missed you terribly. ❜ ❨1235❩ ❛ I've been revoltingly unfaithful to you. ❜ ❨1236❩ ❛ It doesn't matter a bit, because you've stopped caring anyway. ❜ ❨1237❩ ❛ What makes you say I've stopped caring for you? ❜ ❨1238❩ ❛ Nowadays you have to be a scientist if you want to be a killer. ❜ ❨1239❩ ❛ The sun climbs high in the sky, then starts down. People come, then go. ❜ ❨1240❩ ❛ Tell me, have you ever thought of killing me? ❜ ❨1241❩ ❛ I can not believe you are the same human being. ❜ ❨1242❩ ❛ Just how urgent is it? ❜ ❨1243❩ ❛ It is time for you to be going. ❜ ❨1244❩ ❛ How is it you know something like that? ❜ ❨1245❩ ❛ I don’t mind. Your mess is my mess. ❜ ❨1246❩ ❛ Everybody has one thing they do not want to lose. ❜ ❨1247❩ ❛ I’ll be late tonight, so don’t wait up for me. ❜ ❨1248❩ ❛ Nothing I’ve tried to do by myself has ever come off. ❜ ❨1249❩ ❛ I am not catching you in the middle of anything important, am I? ❜ ❨1250❩ ❛ Some things are forgotten, some things disappear, some things die. ❜ ❨1251❩ ❛ My biggest fault is that the faults I was born with grow bigger each year. ❜ ❨1252❩ ❛ To get irritated is to lose our way in life. ❜ ❨1253❩ ❛ A friend to kill time is a friend sublime. ❜ ❨1254❩ ❛ I don't really know if it's the right thing to do. ❜ ❨1255❩ ❛ Faster cars and more cats run over? Who needs it? ❜ ❨1256❩ ❛ Most of everything you think you know about me is nothing more than memories. ❜ ❨1257❩ ❛ Your fate is and will always be the fate of a dreamer. ❜ ❨1258❩ ❛ You’re loads better than you think you are. ❜ ❨1259❩ ❛ You’re only half-living, the other half is still untapped somewhere. ❜ ❨1260❩ ❛ The song is over. But the melody lingers on. ❜ ❨1261❩ ❛ You are extraordinary. ❜ ❨1262❩ ❛ We tend to fool ourselves into thinking that time is our size, but it really goes on and on. ❜ ❨1263❩ ❛ It could be five years or ten years or one month. It's all the same. ❜ ❨1264❩ ❛ I’m forever realising things too late. ❜ ❨1265❩ ❛ I’m not complaining when I say my life is boring. ❜ ❨1266❩ ❛ Weakness is something that rots in the body. ❜ ❨1267❩ ❛ Coming from your mouth, it has the ring of truth, but I doubt anyone would believe me if I told them. ❜ ❨1268❩ ❛ You can't expect something unreal to last anyway, can you? ❜ ❨1269❩ ❛ A wise man does not step betwixt the beast and his meat. ❜ ❨1270❩ ❛ So, kill me. Tell the others I attacked you so you killed me. ❜ ❨1271❩ ❛ Should never have come here. ❜ ❨1272❩ ❛ Hard to guess my tastes. ❜ ❨1273❩ ❛ Can’t it wait until the morning? ❜ ❨1274❩ ❛ You’ll find temper tantrums won’t help you here. ❜ ❨1275❩ ❛ It must have taken courage to return. ❜ ❨1276❩ ❛ It all sounds grimly dystopian. ❜ ❨1277❩ ❛ I am not afraid of you! ❜ ❨1278❩ ❛ All this could be avoided! ❜ ❨1279❩ ❛ You consider me a murderer? ❜ ❨1280❩ ❛ Gross way to die. ❜ ❨1281❩ ❛ What sparks wars? The will to power, the backbone of human nature. ❜ ❨1282❩ ❛ My life amounts to no more than one drop in a limitless ocean. Yet what is any ocean, but a multitude of drops? ❜ ❨1283❩ ❛ Our lives are not our own. We are bound to others. ❜ ❨1284❩ ❛ I believe there is another world waiting for us. A better world. And I'll be waiting for you there. ❜ ❨1285❩ ❛ You are allowed to feel messed up and inside out. It doesn't mean you're defective - it just means you're human. ❜ ❨1286❩ ❛ Power, time, gravity, love. The forces that really kick ass are all invisible. ❜ ❨1287❩ ❛ Unlimited power in the hands of limited people always leads to cruelty. ❜ ❨1288❩ ❛ Truth is singular. Its 'versions' are mistruths. ❜ ❨1289❩ ❛ Dreams are all I have ever truly owned. ❜ ❨1290❩ ❛ Your version of the truth is the only thing that matters. ❜ ❨1291❩ ❛ I believe death is only a door. One closes, and another opens. ❜ ❨1292❩ ❛ By each crime and every kindness, we birth our future. ❜ ❨1293❩ ❛ The healthy can't understand the emptied, the broken. ❜ ❨1294❩ ❛ Lying's wrong, but when the world spins backwards, a small wrong may be a big right. ❜ ❨1295❩ ❛ The weak are meat the strong do eat. ❜ ❨1296❩ ❛ Do whatever you can't not do. ❜ ❨1297❩ ❛ What precipitates outcomes? Vicious acts & virtuous acts. ❜ ❨1298❩ ❛ I remain thankful to God for all his mercies. ❜ ❨1299❩ ❛ You can maintain power over people, as long as you give them something. Rob a man of everything, and that man will no longer be in your power. ❜ ❨1300❩ ❛ Power. The ability to determine another man's luck. ❜ ❨1301❩ ❛ Pain is strong, aye - but friends' eyes, more strong. ❜ ❨1302❩ ❛ Perhaps those deprived of beauty perceive it most instinctively. ❜ ❨1303❩ ❛ Why ask a question whose answer would demand ten more questions? ❜ ❨1304❩ ❛ You can’t lie to your soul. ❜ ❨1305❩ ❛ Why would I want to do a thing like that? ❜ ❨1306❩ ❛ We start off with high hopes, then we bottle it. ❜ ❨1307❩ ❛ Better to make life as complete and enjoyable an experience as possible, in case death is shite, which I suspect it will be. ❜ ❨1308❩ ❛ I’m not running away, I’m moving on. ❜ ❨1309❩ ❛ The reasons? There are no reasons. ❜ ❨1310❩ ❛ Some people are easier to love when you don’t have to be around them. ❜ ❨1311❩ ❛ Love does not exist. ❜ ❨1312❩ ❛ Fuck that ‘regrets’ bullshit. ❜ ❨1313❩ ❛ How does it make you feel? ❜ ❨1314❩ ❛ It’s horrible how we always die alone, but no worse than living alone. ❜ ❨1315❩ ❛ Choose us. Choose life. ❜ ❨1316❩ ❛ You fucking knew that fucking cunt would fuck some cunt. ❜ ❨1317❩ ❛ I’m more of a warrior than you’ll ever be. ❜ ❨1318❩ ❛ What does that make us? The lowest of the low, the scum of the earth. ❜ ❨1319❩ ❛ You don’t have to run away.  ❜ ❨1320❩ ❛ I tried to stop because it was only causing pain. I couldn’t. ❜ ❨1321❩ ❛ I’m not going to get crushed. ❜ ❨1322❩ ❛ I love doubt in a woman. It’s nearly as sexy as determination. ❜ ❨1323❩ ❛ Take your best orgasm, multiply the feeling by twenty. ❜ ❨1324❩ ❛ You’re a mess. ❜ ❨1325❩ ❛ I know that it’s never left you alone. ❜ ❨1326❩ ❛ Are you asking me or telling me? ❜ ❨1327❩ ❛ You just get used to all the shit. ❜ ❨1328❩ ❛ You can’t afford a conscience in this life. ❜ ❨1329❩ ❛ None of us are saints and scapegoats are always handy. ❜ ❨1330❩ ❛ Doing things doesn’t hurt you; you get hurt by avoiding them. ❜ ❨1331❩ ❛ What was that? ❜ ❨1332❩ ❛ Protect me from those who wish to help us. ❜ ❨1333❩ ❛ You can’t love yourself if you want to hurt things like that. ❜ ❨1334❩ ❛ What happens when people open their hearts? ❜ ❨1335❩ ❛ Nobody likes being alone that much. ❜ ❨1336❩ ❛ I don’t go out of my way to make friends, that’s all. It just leads to disappointment.” ❨1337❩ ❛ Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Only assholes do that. ❜ ❨1338❩ ❛ You need to grab whatever chance you have of happiness where you find it, and not worry about other people too much. ❜ ❨1339❩ ❛ I want you always to remember me. ❜ ❨1340❩ ❛ Despite your best efforts, people are going to be hurt when it’s time for them to be hurt. ❜ ❨1341❩ ❛ What stays in your heart will stay; keep them, and what vanishes will vanish. ❜ ❨1342❩ ❛ All I want in this world is you. ❜ ❨1343❩ ❛ I want the two of us to begin everything from the beginning. ❜ ❨1344❩ ❛ No truth can cure the sorrow we feel from losing a loved one. ❜ ❨1345❩ ❛ What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for and to do it so unconsciously. ❜ ❨1346❩ ❛ If you’re in pitch blackness, all you can do is sit tight until your eyes get used to the dark. ❜ ❨1347❩ ❛ I’ve had enough hurt already in my life. More than enough. Now I want to be happy. ❜ ❨1348❩ ❛ People leave strange little memories of themselves behind when they die. ❜ ❨1349❩ ❛ Stop eating yourself up alive. Things will go where they’re supposed to go if you just let them take their natural course. ❜ ❨1350❩ ❛ When your feelings build up and harden and die inside, then you’re in big trouble. ❜ ❨1351❩ ❛ When you fall in love, the natural thing to do is give yourself to it. ❜ ❨1352❩ ❛ If I have left a wound inside you, it is not just your wound but mine as well. ❜ ❨1353❩ ❛ Hey, what is it with you? Why are you so spaced out? You still haven’t answered me. ❜ ❨1354❩ ❛ People are strange when you’re a stranger. ❜ ❨1355❩ ❛ The dead will always be dead, but we have to go on living. ❜ ❨1356❩ ❛ You don’t get it, do you? ❜ ❨1357❩ ❛ I am a flawed human being - a far more flawed human being than you ❨1358❩ realise. ❜ ❨1359❩ ❛ At least let me know whether or not I hurt you. ❜ ❨1360❩ ❛ All of us are imperfect human beings living in an imperfect world. ❜ ❨1361❩ ❛ I’ve never once thought about how I was going to die. ❜ ❨1362❩ ❛ So I’m not crazy after all! ❜ ❨1363❩ ❛ I miss you terribly sometimes, but in general I go on living with all the energy I can muster. ❜ ❨1364❩ ❛ Will you wait for me forever? ❜ ❨1365❩ ❛ I don’t want our relationship to end like this. ❜ ❨1366❩ ❛ When am I going to be able to talk to you? I want you to tell me that much, at least. ❜ ❨1367❩ ❛ It hurts not being able to see you. ❜ ❨1368❩ ❛ I’m not totally mad at you. I’m just sad. ❜ ❨1369❩ ❛ The world is an inherently unfair place. ❜ ❨1370❩ ❛ Life frightens me sometimes. I don’t happen to take that as the premise for everything else though. ❜ ❨1371❩ ❛ I’m a real bargain, don’t you think? If you don’t take me, I’ll end up going somewhere else. ❜ ❨1372❩ ❛ We’re all kind of weird and twisted and drowning. ❜ ❨1373❩ ❛ Don’t you think it would be wonderful to get rid of everything and everybody and just go some place where you don’t know a soul? ❜ ❨1374❩ ❛ You’re not telling me anything I don’t know already. ❜ ❨1375❩ ❛ He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. ❜ ❨1376❩ ❛ If you want to keep a secret, you must also hide it from yourself. ❜ ❨1377❩ ❛ We shall meet in the place where there is no darkness. ❜ ❨1378❩ ❛ Until they become conscious they will never rebel. ❜ ❨1379❩ ❛ Power is not a means; it is an end. ❜ ❨1380❩ ❛ They are not interested in the good of others; they are interested solely in power, pure power. ❜ ❨1381❩ ❛ Now you begin to understand me. ❜ ❨1382❩ ❛ In the face of pain there are no heroes. ❜ ❨1383❩ ❛ Big Brother is watching you. ❜ ❨1384❩ ❛ Power is tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. ❜ ❨1385❩ ❛ It’s a beautiful thing, the destruction of words. ❜ ❨1386❩ ❛ The choice for mankind lies between freedom and happiness and for the great bulk of mankind, happiness is better. ❜ ❨1387❩ ❛ Your mind appeals to me. It resembles my own mind. ❜ ❨1388❩ ❛ Reality exists in the human mind, and nowhere else. ❜ ❨1389❩ ❛ We do not merely destroy our enemies; we change them. ❜ ❨1390❩ ❛ How can I help it? How can I help but see what is in front of my eyes? ❜ ❨1391❩ ❛ You must try harder. ❜ ❨1392❩ ❛ Confession is not betrayal. ❜ ❨1393❩ ❛ What you say or do doesn’t matter; only feelings matter. ❜ ❨1394❩ ❛ If they could make me stop loving you —- that would be the real betrayal. ❜ ❨1395❩ ❛ Of pain you can wish only one thing: that it should stop. ❜ ❨1396❩ ❛ To die hating them, that will be freedom. ❜ ❨1397❩ ❛ No one ever seizes power with the intention of relinquishing it. ❜ ❨1398❩ ❛ What can you do against the lunatic who is more intelligent than yourself? ❜ ❨1399❩ ❛ To keep them in control is not difficult. ❜ ❨1400❩ ❛ So long as they are not permitted to have standards of comparison, they never even become aware that they are oppressed. ❜ ❨1401❩ ❛ The consequences of every act are included in the act itself. ❜ ❨1402❩ ❛ The essential act of war is destruction, not necessarily of human lives, but of the products of human labour. ❜ ❨1403❩ ❛ Stupidity is as necessary as intelligence, and as difficult to attain. ❜ ❨1404❩ ❛ I hate purity, I hate goodness! I don’t want virtue to exist anywhere. I want everyone to be corrupt to the bones. ❜ ❨1405❩ ❛ The past is dead, the future is unimaginable. ❜ ❨1406❩ ❛ You know the answer already. Everyone knows it. ❜ ❨1407❩ ❛ You don’t give a damn what they suffer. All you care is yourself. ❜ ❨1408❩ ❛ It is not easy to become sane. ❜ ❨1409❩ ❛ No emotion is pure anymore, because everything is mixed up with fear and hatred. ❜ ❨1410❩ ❛ They say that time heals all things —- they say you can always forget. ❜ ❨1411❩ ❛ The object of waging a war is always to be in a better position in which to wage another war. ❜ ❨1412❩ ❛ I sold you and you sold me. ❜ ❨1413❩ ❛ You do not exist. ❜ ❨1414❩ ❛ How does one man assert his power over another? By making him suffer. ❜ ❨1415❩ ❛ Obedience is not enough. Unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? ❜ ❨1416❩ ❛ Everything else we shall destroy – everything. ❜ ❨1417❩ ❛ Two and two makes five. ❜ ❨1418❩ ❛ Facts, at any rate, can not be kept hidden. ❜ ❨1419❩ ❛ The past is whatever the records and the memories agree upon. ❜ ❨1420❩ ❛ So long as human beings stay human, death and life are the same thing. ❜ ❨1421❩ ❛ If both the past and the external world exist only in the mind, and if the mind itself is controllable—what then? ❜ ❨1422❩ ❛ The lie became the truth. ❜ ❨1423❩ ❛ It is like swimming against a current that sweeps you backwards however hard you struggle. ❜ ❨1424❩ ❛ Turn round and go with the current instead of opposing it. ❜ ❨1425❩ ❛ It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything. ❜ ❨1426❩ ❛ I don’t want to die without any scars. ❜ ❨1427❩ ❛ This is your life and it’s ending one moment at a time. ❜ ❨1428❩ ❛ You know how they say you only hurt the ones you love? Well, it works both ways. ❜ ❨1429❩ ❛ You are not your job, you’re not how much money you have in the bank. You are not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. ❜ ❨1430❩ ❛ You are not special. ❜ ❨1431❩ ❛ You’re not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You’re the same decaying organic matter as everything else. ❜ ❨1432❩ ❛ The things you used to own, now they own you. ❜ ❨1433❩ ❛ Today is the sort of day where the sun only comes up to humiliate you. ❜ ❨1434❩ ❛ Maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves. ❜ ❨1435❩ ❛ Only after disaster can we be resurrected. ❜ ❨1436❩ ❛ Everything is evolving, everything is falling apart. ❜ ❨1437❩ ❛ We’ve all been raised believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. ❜ ❨1438❩ ❛ Don’t you have other things to do? ❜ ❨1439❩ ❛ Prove you’re alive. If you don’t claim your humanity you will become a statistic. ❜ ❨1440❩ ❛ You have been warned. ❜ ❨1441❩ ❛ If you don’t know what you want, you end up with a lot you don’t. ❜ ❨1442❩ ❛ It’s not love or anything, but I think I like you, too. ❜ ❨1443❩ ❛ If I could wake up in a different place, at a different time, could I wake up as a different person? ❜ ❨1444❩ ❛ Why did I cause so much pain? ❜ ❨1445❩ ❛ The lower you fall, the higher you’ll fly. ❜ ❨1446❩ ❛ Maybe self-improvement isn’t the answer, maybe self-destruction is the answer. ❜ ❨1447❩ ❛ May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. ❜ ❨1448❩ ❛ Everyone smiles with that invisible gun to their head. ❜ ❨1449❩ ❛ We are not special. We are not crap or trash, either. We just are. We just are, and what happens just happens. ❜ ❨1450❩ ❛ The girl is infectious human waste. ❜ ❨1451❩ ❛ I want to destroy everything beautiful I’ll never have. ❜ ❨1452❩ ❛ On a long enough time line, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. ❜ ❨1453❩ ❛ If you could be either God’s worst enemy or nothing, which would you choose? ❜ ❨1454❩ ❛ It is like you’re never really awake; but you’re never really asleep. ❜ ❨1455❩ ❛ Worker bees can leave. Even drones can fly away. The Queen is their slave. ❜ ❨1456❩ ❛ A moment is the most you could ever expect from perfection. ❜ ❨1457❩ ❛ The people you’re trying to step on, we’re everyone you depend on. ❜ ❨1458❩ ❛ You have to give up! ❜ ❨1459❩ ❛ Reject the basic assumptions of civilisation, especially the importance of material possessions. ❜ ❨1460❩ ❛ Without pain, without sacrifice we would have nothing. ❜ ❨1461❩ ❛ You have to realise that someday you will die, Until you know that, you are useless. ❜ ❨1462❩ ❛ A tiger can smile. A snake will say it loves you. ❜ ❨1463❩ ❛ Lies make us evil. ❜ ❨1464❩ ❛ If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? ❜ ❨1465❩ ❛ You always kill the one you love. ❜ ❨1466❩ ❛ Maybe we should always assume the worst. ❜ ❨1467❩ ❛ Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. ❜ ❨1468❩ ❛ Which is worse? Hell or nothing? ❜ ❨1469❩ ❛ A minute of perfection is worth the effort. ❜ ❨1470❩ ❛ You’re going to die, tonight. You might die in one second or in one hour, you decide. ❜ ❨1471❩ ❛ Lie to me. Tell me the first thing off the top of your head. Make something up. ❜ ❨1472❩ ❛ I don’t give a shit. I have a gun. ❜ ❨1473❩ ❛ I know who you are. I know where you live. ❜ ❨1474❩ ❛ Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of your life. ❜ ❨1475❩ ❛ My philosophy of life is that I can die at any moment. And the tragedy of my life is that I do not. ❜ ❨1476❩ ❛ Everything is so far away, a copy of a copy of a copy. You can’t touch anything and nothing can touch you. ❜ ❨1477❩ ❛ There are a lot of things we don’t want to know about the people we love. ❜ ❨1478❩ ❛ We just had a near-life experience. ❜ ❨1479❩ ❛ If people think you are dying, they give you their full attention. They listen instead of just waiting for their turn to speak. ❜ ❨1480❩ ❛ I am nothing, and not even that. ❜ ❨1481❩ ❛ This isn’t really death. —- We’ll be legends. We won’t grow old. ❜ ❨1482❩ ❛ Stop trying to control everything and just let go. Let go. ❜ ❨1483❩ ❛ The amazing miracle of death, when one second you’re walking and talking, and the next second you’re an object. ❜ ❨1484❩ ❛ Only if we’re caught and punished can we be saved. ❜ ❨1485❩ ❛ I never thought about how important the sky was until I didn't have one. ❜ ❨1486❩ ❛ Dreams are like that: they go in and out of memories and scenes, but they're never real. They're never real, and I hate them because they aren't. ❜ ❨1487❩ ❛ Power isn’t control at all — power is strength, and giving that strength to others. ❜ ❨1488❩ ❛ A leader isn’t someone who forces others to make him stronger. ❜ ❨1489❩ ❛ A leader is someone willing to give his strength to others that they may have the strength to stand on their own. ❜ ❨1490❩ ❛ In the end, we are alone. ❜ ❨1491❩ ❛ It is like a piece of my soul is lost, empty. ❜ ❨1492❩ ❛ If my life on Earth must end, let it end with a promise. Let it end with hope. ❜ ❨1493❩ ❛ Sorry? Sorry isn't enough. ❜ ❨1494❩ ❛ Every single thing I ever loved is beyond my reach now. Everything I ever wanted. Everything I ever was. ❜ ❨1495❩ ❛ Will you stay with me? ❜ ❨1496❩ ❛ A leader doesn't make pawns - he makes people. ❜ ❨1497❩ ❛ Do you hear that? The pulse of life from your heart, the slow in-and-out from your lungs? Even when you are silent, even when you block out all noise, your body is still a cacophony of life. Mine is not. ❜ ❨1498❩ ❛ It is the silence that drives me mad. The silence that drives the nightmares to me. ❜ ❨1499❩ ❛ There is nothing between us but rain. There is nothing between us at all. ❜ ❨1500❩ ❛ I like a little chaos. ❜

[catastrophe-at-sixteen]

strawberries and cigarettes (m)

Jungkook x reader

“For a biology project, you and your class are going on a field trip to collect evidence for your hypothesis. It is all going well until the dark haired nuisance called Jeon Jungkook decides to piss you off.”

Also - a nerd. The resident bad boy. The police. Annoying friends. A loose psycho killer. What could go wrong?

This is my first time ever uploading any fics !! im super nervous haha - i'll probably post a little of each one and see how it goes !!

Jungkook x reader.

This is your classic enemies to lovers but with a slight little twist!

This is set in the 80s/90s and is your typical bad boy/nerd girl trope- but , there is a killer on the loose. I mean this is kind of based on jack the ripper (serial killer) and my teenage fantasies of falling for bad boy jungkook. I hope you’ll give it a go and tell me what you think !!! <3

Tw : cursing, killings, descriptions of death and psychopaths, masturbation , making out, smut.

WC : 11K

also a big massive thank you to @ggukkiereads for helping me gain the confidence to write and dedicate time to finishing this ! ik its been a while since we spoke but much love to u angel <3 may u always have the best !

Begrudgingly the students lag off the bus at 10pm, finally having reached their destination.

Tired and sore from their journey the teachers find no trouble in distributing bedrooms for everyone.

When your name is called out along with Tiffany you internally groan - great you think one of the most plastic girls in the school all to myself.

You grimace but make no argument as you could have gotten worse you suppose.

As you grab your belongings and ignore her protests that she doesn't want to room with a loser like you, a dark clad figure pushes past you, almost tripping you over.

Angrily you shout

"Watch where you're going you prick"!

Yet he doesn't so much look in your direction.

Under the dim moonlight you can faintly make out the low blunt of a cigarette in a tattoo clad hand - so it was the infamous Jungkook.

Honestly you didn't understand why all the girls fawned over him when he was just a rude and ignorant asshole. Sure, he had a pretty face but no good soul to match.

Calming yourself, as it was unlikely that you'd ever receive an apology from the school rebel you just head to your new room.

The school had organised a biology trip so that you could gather authentic evidence on the correlation of birds and wood growth in a certain designated area and honestly you were excited- not having enough expenses to get out of town when you were younger meant that this was a treat for you and paired with you being a biology major your inner geek was surfacing pretty quickly.

You move into your room and begin unpacking your things ignoring the chatter coming from your new roommates.

You set everything nicely, precisely -just to your liking. Maybe some would call you fussy, but you like to think of yourself as organised and classy.

You don’t have many thoughts that night as you lay down for bed, but you do hear the news playing in the background.

" a killing has not been sighted for a time breaking the pattern of the 1-week intervals in which they have been happening, but police still advise to remain on high alert at all times. "

You shudder as you think about it, a killer on the loose in the country and everyone powerless to stop him.

He fed of the insecurities of people, the fear of not being safe. He did a damn well good job at it as well.

You look outside and see the police on night duty setting up, the country while terrified also was reluctant to admit the threat and instead of protecting you properly they had merely sent police force units as glorified bodyguards to ' keep you safe '.

You sigh, as you climb under your covers those problems seem like a long way away from you as you drift off with an empty mind.

It was morning, the sun was shining brightly through the windows giving an orange glow to the room.

You were up before your roommates, had brushed your teeth and were already preparing for your project.

You had to do well, you were depending on a scholarship for university, your family could simply not afford it otherwise.

When your first signs of morning hunger begin to strike you venture outside your room in order to satiate yourself. You find that it’s still quiet only a few students up like yourself, you find a coffee machine and immediately begin to make one for yourself.

“While you're at it could you make one for me too".

a deep voice drawls out.

You almost jump out of your skin at the sound his voice breaking the silence you had been enjoying. Jeon Jungkook.

You scowl at him, choosing to ignore him carrying on making your own cup.

He whistles under his breath.

“wow, edgy or a bitch? I can’t decide".

He taunts you.

You roll your eyes at him and sigh in annoyance, his eyebrows raise at this.

“you’re clearly not a morning person".

He speaks.

You mutter under your breath.

" or maybe I’m just not a YOU person, not everyone lives to be nice to you. "

He lifts his hands up in a mock surrender.

“Okay, okay I get it it's a bad time for you jeez.... I suppose I'll have to make my own coffee".

He moves closer to you, totally invading your personal space, clearly, he had never heard of a personal bubble! You scowl and try to move away but he’s faster and is hovering over you before you know it. He looks down at you with those pretty dark eyes.

They’re so gorgeous.

Not that it matters to you because he is still an asshole, and he still ruined your morning.

“get out of my face Jeon Jungkook".

You say between clenched teeth.

You’re not some sort of pushover.

Yes, you're clever, as society classes a nerd but you're not one to let people walk all over you.

If he’s shocked, he doesn’t let on, just hums and lets you walk away, which you do, a little aggressively. You got back to your room and let out a sound of annoyance, the girls are still sleeping.

You sigh.

This was going to be a long trip.

After an uneventful morning, the wait was over and finally the teachers had called you to gather in the common area. Much to your dismay however there would be no actual data collecting until the police had secured the area, which meant that your whole day was pretty much wasted. The other students were chatting and gossiping and being idiots as per usual.

It’s not that you thought you were better than them, it's just that they were so mundane, so lifeless. They were just living on with no sense of direction. You suppose that's what you get for attending a school for rich kids though.

You could never fit in.

So, you never tried. People took pity on you every now and then offered you a smile. You smiled back but that was it. Your thoughts are running and to clear your head you decide to go outside for a little breather.

There isn’t much, just a few abandoned train tracks that seemingly lead into nowhere, a few broken fences and lots of grass. Not much time after this you head to bed.

Finally, the day had arrived, you could collect your samples.

You are so glad that it’s an individual project because you honestly cannot even imagine working with one of those air heads.

You shudder at the memory of having to work with Taehyung last semester for a chemistry practical.

You had to basically pull all the weight for your grade.

So, you get on working your way through your work and proving or disproving your hypothesis.

You’re pleased at the work that you completed. Not entirely satisfied but satisfied enough, for now.

You let out a stiff yawn, you need to stretch and need a little fresh air since you had spent the last few hours writing up your data and making graphs to compliment them.

You forgo your jacket since the weather isn’t so bad.

It’s nice.

When you go outside there are quite a few students already there, goofing around. There is also a pretty scenery, that in all honesty you had not appreciated until right now.

“Wow" you mutter under your breath.

Maybe I should try living outside my own head sometimes.

You spot some students surrounding a police officer and the curiosity gets the better of you and your soon wandering around the outskirts of their conversation.

Alas, it was merely a fruitless conversation. The police officer telling the other about his escapades and how they will be good in hands.

You lose yourself to your own thoughts again and look at the scenery. Until a little scuffle, breaks you out of your thoughts.

“What was that? There was a movement down there!! “

A boy called Josh calls out.

The police officer had also noticed it, then a sound of a gunshot sounds through the air.

The police officers curse and begin to get ready to scout the area. They want you all to go away, be safe inside but you’re all young adults- you want to see what’s going on.

Everyone gathers, watching the officers.

You scan the area; you spot the balcony that looks over the area just in front of the cabins.

Perfect you think that’s the perfect spot to see what’s going on.

So, you begin to climb up the steps to that room, when you get there, you can see everything.

You see a dead dog, a dead bird and the gun which had killed them laid out to where the officers were heading.

Fear grips your heart; your heartbeat is erratic. You think you see the shape of figure retreating into the distance but before you can look again, you feel the ground give way under you.

You let out a shriek, feeling yourself falling.

Is this truly how my life end you wonder I didn’t even get to complete my PhD?

Yet, instead of the hard fall that your body had been anticipating; your landing is softer and lets out a low grunt.

You're sure you're dead and have entered heaven.

Slowly you register a warm feeling under your legs and a secure one at your waist.

oh, this feels nice.

you think, eyes still closed until you hear some chaos in the distance.

what's happening?

Why is heaven so noisy? Are they partying because I’ve arrived? Was I actually an angel all this time am I coming home?

Ah you think this must be the angels- I knew all those days spent doing charity would help me.

You open your eyes and you’re met with bambi eyes staring back at you.

Slowly you begin to piece the rest of your angel together.

“Jeon Jungkook? “

You try and raise your voice to compliment your surprise, but it comes out in a more whisper.

“But this, Jungkook, you were an angel all this time? “you say.

His eyebrows knot together in confusion.

“What are you talking about strawberry?”

You gasp.

"Do we all get code names in heaven? You’re a pretty angel Jungkook. “

Then your eyes zero in on the scar on his cheek.

“Aren’t Angel’s supposed to be blemish free? Is that? Are you fallen? Wait.... for me? Are you my angel Jungkook? “

His eyes, which had previously shown confusion are now coloured with amusement.

“You talk a lot don’t you my little strawberry”.

You vaguely hear the sounds behind you before you begin to feel drowsy and fall limp the arms of your unexpected angel.

Jungkook was, of course no angel, your delirious ass was just doing and saying delirious things. You were going to be mortified when you woke up.

When you come to your room in a dark room, tucked into a warm bed. Your headaches aches as if someone is using a sledgehammer to hit it every second.

‘Agh’ you let out a pained groan.

What even happened? you wonder in your head.

You move quickly, getting out of bed ignoring your protesting limbs.  You almost reach the doors until a pair of arms trap you.

‘woah woah where do you think you're going?’

You let out a scream, completely startled. A hand comes to cover your mouth.

‘man, you really do have a set of lungs, don’t you? ‘

You stop struggling in his embrace to match his voice to a face. Its familiar.

‘Jeon Jungkook?’ you let a little unsure and panic still evident in your voice.

‘your one and only’

You frown.

‘mine?’

He smirks at you,

‘that's right yours strawberry’.

You shake your head.

‘are you smoking something? Are you high right now?’

He pouts a little then, it changes his look completely. He looks a little cute.

‘you don't remember? ‘ he cocks his head to the side and points to himself. ‘I'm your angel’.

You scoff.

‘Please in what world are YOU an angel? You're far from it’.

Then it all comes back to you.

Jungkook watches as the realisation begins to show on your face.

‘Oh my god I had a concussion, you cannot be serious right now ‘

He chuckles.

'The words still came out of your mouth' Jungkook counters, he leans closer to you, his face way to close for your liking.

You feel your face grow warm from his proximity, but you don't give him the satisfaction of knowing that.

You scoff and push him away.

‘You're insane’.

He accepts the distance you've placed between the two of you and he chooses to smirk at you from where he is standing.

‘And you're crazy for me’.

You let out an incredulous laugh, not believing him.

‘Oh, my lord, please shut up for the sake of my sanity’.

He chuckles at your flustered state and you scramble your brain to find a change of subject.

‘okay whatever now just excuse me because I need to go back to my room’.

You move to begin walking to the door, but his voice halts your movements.

‘This is your room now’.

You whip around to face him.

‘What?! Ha as if Jeon, why would they room us together- were supposed to separate for the opposite genders- which I totally get when you're involved’ you say disbelief painting your voice. You whisper the last part though.

He puts his hands into his pockets and shrugs.

‘Protection?’

You set him a hard stare.

‘Save your lame ass men superiority talks for someone else i am having a severe case of I'm not interested’.

Why the hell would you need Jungkook for protection, it reeks of patriarchy and you hate it.

He shrugs.

‘Listen princess I don't know why either really to be honest but I'm not complaining-’

You don't bother entertaining him for much longer.

This can't be true. You cannot be paired into a room with him. He cannot be your new roommate - heck now tiffany doesn't seem so bad. Flirting asshole, you mutter under your breath as you begin searching for your teacher.

You only learn a bitter truth, due to the collapsing of the room you had to be relocated into another room and the only person without a roommate was Jungkook. They ‘trusted’ you enough that you would be able to handle it and not to do anything you were not supposed to.

‘We trust you, y/n’ was what she had told you.

You spend your time cursing out both her and Jungkook as you gather your belongings to move into your new room.

You're so caught up in your own thoughts that you don't notice a foot that comes out to trip you.

You look up and see the faces of three stupid bitches.

Tiffany Jessica and Irene.

They seemed to consider themselves above everybody else, though you've no idea why. Aside from flawless looks they seemed to live pretty empty life in your eyes. They were living definitions of empty shells walking around.

You get up quietly from the ground, you'll gain nothing from engaging with them, maybe you'd lose a few brainless. You just want to go back and rest - your head is killing you.

But to your disappointment they begin to talk.

‘Well, well well, if it isn't the school's new slut moving into MY boyfriend's room’.

You have to let a little laugh at this. This one is seriously deluded. Jungkook didn't do relationships you knew that. Everybody knew that. They had hooked up about 3 months ago and even though he does his best to ignore her she still insists that he is her boyfriend. It's just pathetic and a bit sad you suppose. Her obvious attraction to him which he just does not reciprocate.

She becomes enraged at your actions.

‘listen here you little bitch you better not even think of starting anything with my man-’ she spits out at you.

You snap back then, unable to hold your tongue.

‘I am not a slut, and I will not go after your man- which fyi  he is not. He is a human and he doesn’t belong to you he never has’

She grows red at your words.

‘you little piece of shit-’

She raises her hand but just then a voice interrupts her and she halts her actions.

‘well if it isn't my new roomie, l’ll take that from you strawberry’ Jungkook says, too cheery for your liking, your still contemplating hitting Jessica.

Jessica begins speaking up, but he ignores her turning to you.

Your mouth almost drops open at his dismissal of Jessica but then again, she is annoying, and he cannot be immune to that.

‘Jungkoooook’ she whines when he doesn’t respond to her the first time.

He still doesn’t entertain her.

He moves to take your things from you, but she speaks again, latching onto his arm.

‘just leave her -cshe's just an annoying stuck-up bitch’.

He responds to this under his breath laughing.

‘reminds me of someone ’

She doesn't understand his comment.

‘huh?’ she says almost comically.

‘who baby?’ she pouts at him ‘my poor baby having to deal with such people, just leave with me and we can-’

‘no’ he sets her with a hard stare.

It's like she has forgotten that you're there, so you decide to use this to your advantage, letting Jungkook deal with them. You move to get your suitcase, but a hand stops yours. Its Jungkook.

‘I don’t think so strawberry - I'll be getting those for you’.

You turn to look at him scowl adorning your features.

‘I don’t need your help Jeon’.

He smirks at you.

‘no no - I insist’.

He dismisses Jessica with a wave of his hand and begins to walk away your suitcase in his hand, which prompts you to follow along.

‘What. Was. That. Jungkook?!’ you say when the door closes, you’re fuming because he had made it seem as though you were dating or doing things together which meant that they would keep bothering you, which is just something that you don’t want.

He turns around to face you.

‘oh, don’t get your panties in such a twist, I just needed to get the fuck away from her’.

He sounds angry and this is the Jungkook that you are more accustomed to. Not the flirty one you have been seeing. Hopefully he had given up on whatever he was trying to achieve with that. He was a rude asshole who was just to used to seeing things come out in his favour.

‘excuse me, you just fuelled her whack ass thoughts and next time don’t use me as your escape route’ you say matching his hostile tone.

‘oh, don’t be such a priss, it saved you as much as it saved me’.

An exasperated noise escapes your throat.

‘well maybe you should have kept it in your pants lover boy’.

He sets you with a hard stare.

‘oh, shut up - you don’t know me’ he grits out.

You cock your head to the side much like he had done to you earlier in the day.

‘hmmm I think I know you pretty well Jungkook, you're not as unreadable as you like to think, Jeon Jungkook the infamous bad boy who uses girls to fuel his ego and is used by girls to fuel their own ego and status quo among their own stupid--’

You do not get to finish you sentence however because you're harshly being pinned to the door. His grip on you is hard and it stings but you meet his gaze.

‘shut the fuck up y/n’ the tone of his voice is almost carnal, animal like.

You seriously had hit a nerve.

‘I go beyond your perceptions of me- you little miss goody two shoes’.

You spit back in his face.

‘I've yet to see you act more like a crazed rabbit Jungkook and to be honest I don’t plan on finding out the depths of your character either. I don’t fucking care about you’.

You push him aside and move to unpack your suitcase.

He mutters something under his breath that you can't hear, and he walks out slamming the door behind him.

‘well, that was fun’ you say and begin to take out your notes and books that you will need through the day.

When you wake up the next you feel like you’ve been hit by a ton of bricks. The painkillers had given you the illusion that you were okay. You look a mess, you're tired, you cannot believe that this happened.  You had been looking forward to this for so long, they had told you that another student would be collecting your data. Your new roommate. Jeon Jungkook. He was going to be collecting your data.

This is preposterous! He would probably sabotage you on purpose! This cannot happen, but they wouldn’t budge from their choice. You huff as you look out of the window, where you could be collecting your data along with the other students. Darn you and your curiosity.

They always did say didn’t they- that curiosity killed the cat.

Your walking around the room, pacing- that’s how bored you are. You had reorganised your things 3 times and colour coded all you notes, redrew your graphs, you had done everything that you thought would keep you busy but here you are sitting with nothing to do.  You look around the room see Jungkook's things laying on the ground.

You sigh into the empty room again and just lay down waiting for them to come back. You end up falling asleep.

You're stirred from your sleep, quite rudely by a book being thrown at the foot of your bed. You sit up, still groggy and look at Jungkook.

‘what the hell man’

He stares at you blankly.

‘There's your work priss’

You're not bothered by his hostile tone instead open the book and seeing what he had done, or you suppose looking at it what he had not done. The more you look at the work the more the frown on your face deepens.

‘what the hell is this Jungkook?’

He looks up at you annoyed.

‘the work? Thought you were meant to be a genius?’

You scowl at him.

‘this Jungkook? Is unacceptable a nursery kid could do way better than this !’

He rolls his eyes at you.

‘and? That’s what you're going to get priss so deal with it’.

You make an exasperated sigh.

‘you've used the wrong measurement and everything Jungkook’.

‘look - I don’t care. I didn’t want to do this for you anyway’.

‘like I wanted YOU to do it for me’.

You sigh,

You keep bumping into him everywhere, you know he is your roommate but he is always there at the cafeteria taking the last donut which you had been craving pushing in line, making unnecessary comments and he makes the room so messy!

It’s the same thing for the next few outings, Jungkook comes with the same half assed versions of the data you need.

You try, you really you try so hard to use the data sets he provided but its no use. They're absolutely useless, so you decide to take matters into your own hands.

Your going to sneak out early in the morning, you have to sneak past the guards which as you’ve gathered won't be as hard as one may think because they are not good or much invested in their job anyway.

You prepare yourself and head to set out in the morning. You quietly get up so as not to disturb or wake Jungkook. If he sees you, you know that there will be trouble.

You throw on a hoodie and grab a notebook, a pen and your watch. You have to be back before anyone can notice that you're gone.  You steel yourself one last time, giving yourself a pep talk and sneak out. You hold your breath as you walk past the room of your supervisor and out the back door of the cabins.

This isn't so bad you think. Once you're out of sight of the guards and you think your safe, you let out a sigh of relief and do a little shimmy out of your happiness. You are so pleased and proud of yourself. What you didn’t know that behind you, watching your every move was a boy covered in tattoos with a cigarette in his hand watching you with an amused face.

Jungkook was, not as you thought asleep when you had snuck out. He was also outside, leaning on the side of the building a cigarette in his hand, he couldn’t sleep that night, it happened to him on most nights so he routinely wakes up to have a smoke. On this particular day there is not the usual eerie morning silence that he is used to, but a few grunts and hisses to accompany it. He furrows his brows.

Is that? He thinks y/n!?!?!?!?!?

No way he thinks what the hell is she up to?

Then he catches sight of your notebook and pen.

'Oh, what a nerd' he mutters under his breath. Then he smirks.

He can totally use this to his advantage.

He stubs his cigarette, pulls his hoodie over his head and follows you.

Your heart is still racing you honestly cannot believe that you. l/n f/n are doing this.

‘What a badass’ you say into the silence.

‘Badass? Sneaking out to do bloody work is your idea of badass?’ a voice speaks up behind you.

You shriek startled and are met with Jungkook.

Why is it always him?

‘what in the bloody tarnation's.... are you trying to kill me Jungkook?!’ you say putting your hand on your heart.

He grins pleased at the reaction he had elicited from you.

He cocks his head to the side.

‘what the hell are you doing here ?!’ you hiss at him.

‘could ask you the same thing strawberry’ he replies.

You look at him.

You were so sure that you had been quiet, how could he be here to ruin everything.

‘you do realise that I actually have name, and it's not strawberry’ you say to him.

He shrugs.

‘Yeah but you always smell like them’.

You scoff;

‘and you always reek of cigarettes.’

He frowns but then asks you again.

‘what are you doing here?’

You think of excuses,

‘I'm - I'm on a walk’ you say.

He lifts his eyebrow up.

‘a walk?’

You nod.

‘that's right for my daily exercise its been a pain to be stuck indoors’.

He snorts.

‘you're on a walk with your graph paper pad and pencil case?’

You curse inside your head.

‘yeah I am a nerd after all’ you say, hoping and praying that he’ll just let you go on your way.

He doesn’t

‘I don’t know, you look awfully suspicious to me, do tell why you're heading to the sight of our data collection points when the trail track is in the opposite direction?’ he says.

You rack your brains for an answer.

‘well, I like an adventure’ you say, standing straight.

‘oh, is that so?’ he says laughter infiltrating his tone.

‘yes’, you say meeting his eyes.

‘hmm’ he says ‘I don’t believe you’ he says.

‘do you wanna know what I think?’ he continues.

He takes one step closer to you.

‘I think that our resident miss goody two shoes is sneaking off when told specifically that she can't’ his gaze burns into yours

You feel yourself going red out of embarrassment.

‘I literally have no idea what you're talking about Jungkook' you say breathless.

He leans closer and you can feel his body heat, he continues to bore his eyes into your own and you almost fall into his gaze until you feel your book being snatched out of your hand.

‘HEY!’ you say reaching for it.

But he holds it higher than himself, opens it to the last written on page.

‘new data collection points’ he reads out ‘and oh would you look at that ! It has todays dates written on it’ he says looking down at you with a squint in his eyes.

You huff.

‘well obviously I had to do this because how on earth could I let your lame ass results and data reading be used for my final piece – I'm not looking to fail’ you say venom laced in every word.

He scowls at you.

‘there was nothing wrong with my results princess’ he grits out.

‘oh, please save it’ you snap back ‘you didn’t even use the same measurements – your hopeless’.

‘well, if I'm so fucking useless you should do my work for me’ he says.

You set him a level stare.

‘what?’

‘you heard me’ he says with a roll of his eyes.

‘and why in the hell would I do that? I don’t care if you fail Jungkook, heck I don’t care if you get kicked out’ you tell him.

He shakes his head.

‘well, I mean I could go back right now and tell Miss Taylor-’ he begins.

You narrow your eyes at him.

‘You wouldn’t dare’.

He holds a staring contest with you.

‘oh, wouldn’t I?’ he says.

You both hold each other's gazes before you give in.

You cannot believe the audacity of this asshole.

‘fine whatever asshole’ you say folding your arms and turning around.

He grins in victory and places your notebook back into your hands.

‘chop chop partner get to it’ he says.

You glare at him.

‘partners pull equal weight Jungkook ‘

He rolls his eyes.

‘I don’t really care – you just need to get a move on’.

You turn around no longer wanting to deal with his annoying ass.

You make it forward a few steps before you stop and turn around.

‘why are you following me?’  you ask him.

He rolls his eyes at your apparent dumbness.

‘well smartass, there is a killer on the loose if you didn’t know’.

You freeze up for a second,

Shit

You had almost forgotten. You don’t let him see that you're scared.

‘and? ‘ you say feigning composure.

‘what the hell are you going to do if he pops out of the woods anyway?’

He shrugs.

‘I dunno actually a lot more than you could do anyway’

You stare at him.

‘I could be a black belt in karate for all you know’.

He laughs.

‘okay princess whatever - I just need to make sure that you're not going to fuck this up’.

So, you turn going to the place you need to, to collect your data pieces.

With having to do Jungkook's work as well, it takes a lot longer to complete than you would have liked.

He is surprisingly bearable in the mornings that you both sneak off though. He doesn’t say much. Just watches you – pretends he isn't though.

You catch him once. Its been about 2 weeks since you started this godawful task, and Jungkook's notes and work were in dire need of help so its taking you time. This time however you meet his gaze before he is able to pull away.

You cock your head to the side.

‘what are you staring at?’ you say placing your hands on your hips.

He says something inaudible under his breath.

‘what was that?’

He snaps at you.

‘do you think you have tie to stand around making idle talk with me? The work ain’t going to do itself princess.’

You huff in annoyance.

How dare he! This was just plain wrong anyway I should not even be doing this, but you knew it was the only way. You couldn't risk getting caught and with Jungkook you wouldn't be surprised if he really did rat you out you to all the teachers. And if he did well, you wouldn’t be receiving a very good reference.

It was during an early morning that you hear Jungkook walk off into the distance. Probably to smoke, such a bad habit you tsk.

But you're also done for the day – so you begin to head back on your own.

You feel the grass brush against your feet as you walk back. You’re humming along to that song that was always on the radio, when you hear it. A little whimper - then a cry. You know that you shouldn’t go to look, you know that you're paying for your curiosity already and you don’t need another thing to happen, but you just cannot help yourself!

You follow the sound, going on a detour from the track.

You do consider yourself somewhat of a badass but a serial killer? Yeah, they kinda scare the shit out of you. You hold your breath and walk as quietly and slowly as you can. You hear the whimper again to your left but its deeper into the woods.

As you walk closer you see a pool of blood - your eyes widen, and your heartbeat becomes erratic.

‘what the fuck?’ you whisper into the silence.

You walk closer to the body of the animal and you can feel your knees grow a little weak you can see a white paper which has been tainted red with the blood of the animal that was killed.

You gasp, taking it up in your hands. Your hands also become stained with the redness.

It's in Morse code.

-.-- --- ..- / ... .... --- ..- .-.. -.. -. .----. - / -... . / .-- .- -. -.. . .-. .. -. --. / --- ..- - / .- .-.. --- -. .

(YOU SHOULDN'T BE WANDERING OUT ALONE)

You look at it for a while and rack your brains to be able to translate it but no such look. Your mind is busy running at 100miles per hour. As you try and clear your head and look at the note one more time, but a noise in the distance pulls you way from any semblance of concentration that you could have obtained.

You frantically look around trying to locate where the sound had come from. Your senses are all on a high right now. You shove the piece of paper into your pocket and begin to go back the way that you came. After the first few steps you begin running your head running wild with the idea of being found dead in ditch. Your nearly at the main path which you had strayed from. You make it onto the path, and you bend over catching your breath when two arms encircle you from behind.

You let out a scream.

A hand is placed over your mouth.

‘shut the fuck up y/n’.

You recognise THAT voice. Its Jeon Jungkook. Why is this motherfucker always trying to scare you? Your turn around and hit him on the chest,

‘what the actual hell Jeon, you gave me a bloody heat attack and a half’.

He doesn’t respond. He is looking at you, his eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes have a glint of anger. He is furious.

‘where the fuck did you go y/n?’ he says, he holds your wrist stopping you from hitting him again.

He holds it in the air holding your gaze.

‘I was.... walking back’ you didn't want him to know what you had found. He would probably tell you it was a bad idea to even translate it. Which it was, but what is life if not for taking risks?

You yank your hand from his grasp.

He looks at you an unreadable expression on his face.

“you’re a fucking liar “he says.

You scoff.

“oh please, what’s it to you anyway jungkook, you left me first “

He doesn’t say anything, but observes you, trying to look for signs of what you’re hiding.

He had found one too, a dead animal and a note written in Morse.

But he could read it and he knew he was in trouble

“Be careful, or your little girlfriend may be snatched from right under your arms “

He swore under his breath as he read it and immediately began to make his way back to you.

“strawberry?” he calls out but you’re not there.

You’re not there and he hates the feeling of dread that sits in his stomach.

He runs back the way you came, but he still finds no trace of you

“fucking hell where did she go?”

He almost gives up and is going to tell the police when you appear before him, out of breath and you look terrified.

He knows you’re lying, if you were where, you said you were, he would have seen you.

He narrows his eyes at you again.

“I left for two seconds and you ran off. Where the fuck did you go? “

He asks, he wants you tell him, needs you to, he’s overcome with this sense to protect you but you don’t trust him. He needs to change that.

He lets you believe that you have him fooled, that he believes your story and he begins to walk back to the cabins right before the call for breakfast is sounded. You follow after him breathing in a sigh of relief that he had believed you.

That night you find it difficult to sleep. You need to find out the meaning of the Morse code, but you don't have access to a book that will help you translate, meaning that you will have to ask around without looking too suspicious.

You decide that a police officer would do nicely, if you seem overly invested in their job, they would just give you the information.

You spot the officer who looks younger than most, you remember his name.

Park Jimin.

You approach him cautiously.

“Officer park?”

He turns around to face you, smiling softly.

Oh, he’s cute you think.

“yes miss?”

You smile at him warmly.

“nothing serious it’s just that I was wondering if you would like some company, it must be a little boring for you out here on your own “

You say to him and you’re glad you asked him because either way his face breaks out into a smile that has your heart fluttering.

“how very kind of you miss! And yes, a little company wouldn't hurt “, he grins at you.

As you strike up conversation, with the officer you fail to notice a figure dressed in black listening in on your conversation. Jungkook listens in as you try and get information out of officer. He knew it. You had also come across the same note, as he had. He wonders what yours said.

He leaves after a bit, leaving both of you oblivious to the fact that he was even there in the first place.

When you get back to your room, you see Jungkook sitting at the foot of his bed frown on his face.

You ignore him and write down the information you'd just got given by Officer Park. You felt a little bad manipulating him when he was so nice but you just had to know what it meant.

Jungkook speaks up.

“that was a nice conversation you were having with Officer Park “

He says,

You whip you’re head up to look at him and closing your notebook harshly.

“What? Were you eavesdropping on my conversation?”

He rolls his eyes

“Why would I be listening to the conservation of the school nerd with a cop? No, I just happened to hear in passing “

You let out a breath that you didn’t know you were holding.

“That’s mighty rude of y-" you begin to retort before he cuts you off

“what’s a biology nerd like you need with Morse code?” He asks.

Your mind malfunctions for a moment until you bring yourself back together.

“A little extra knowledge hurts no one you know?” you say appearing nonchalant.

He narrows his eyes

“I know it”

You look at him

“you do?”

He nods,

“why need something translating?” he tries.

You think about it, but ultimately decided against showing him the note you found.

You have no clue what it says. You don’t want him understanding before you do.

You shake your head,

“No, I don’t “

You say, deciding enough is enough and you need to sleep now to be up in the morning.

The next morning you sleep in, meaning that you couldn’t do the work that was set out for you. You stretch and moan as you get out of bed when you sit up and open your eyes fully your locks onto the Bambi ones from across the room. You let out a shriek!

‘What the hell why were you watching me you creeper!’ you say pointing a finger at Jungkook.

He rolls his eyes at you.

‘oh, please don’t flatter yourself’.

‘why didn’t you wake me up? Its so late !’ you question him.

He looks at you and says words that you don’t think that you would hear.

‘I think that we should lay off for a bit strawberry’

You look at him in shock

‘but why!?’

He doesn’t really give you much of an answer in his usual Jungkook manner.

You sigh.

Over the next few weeks, you rarely bump into Jungkook, you see him sometimes in the cafeteria and you can always feel him just watching you it makes you grow warm when you notice his staring.

Jungkook is also going crazy. You drive him crazy.

You guess that you'll have to work at the same pace as everyone, truthfully you had actually caught up with your work that was missed a while ago, you were just doing extra readings to stay ahead. One step ahead of everyone. But you guess that that is going to be changed now.

It had been a while since you had been on your morning trips with jungkook and though you hate to admit it, you kind of missed it.

He wasn't as bad company as you thought he would be, he was oddly quiet which meant that without him talking as much, you really got to admire his beauty. And good lord was he handsome, you understand why people are attracted to him, when his mouth is closed, he’s fine. Basically, you became a little horny when you saw him, it had been ages since you had had sex even masturbated, since you now had room with him.

Jungkook has such strong sharp features which sometimes go all soft, if he pouts while he’s thinking or a bird catches his attention, his eyes will go big and doe like. It's cute. Everybody had two sides you suppose, yours was your horny side (lol what)

Okay maybe, more time to admire him was a bad thing, you did not need to have sexual fantasies with him, no, that was a big no no.

It's been a few weeks since Jungkook had asked you to lay low for a while and in that time, you had been asking around about the killer to the police. You tried your best not to seem suspicious about it though, if they caught on – well it wouldn’t exactly end well. So, you make slow progress, you did make progress though, however.

You could now understand the note and while it scared you, it also ignited something in you that you didn’t even know that you possessed inside of you. You wanted to outdo him, you want to find him, lead him into a trap or something like that anyway. You want to catch him.

Something in the back of your mind is telling you begging you to stop being so stupid, but you ignore and continue to daydream about catching this bastard.

But it can only cure your boredom for a while – you get bored and what better to do when you're bored than to read erotica novels?

You had packed this book with you – the secrets of the alluring painter in France. You had taken to reading at night time on some nights.

Like tonight.

You need a wind down, so you pull out your book, and it has such racy scenes that leave you clenching around nothing.

Your sexual imagination goes wild when you read the erotica in the book and the way they make it seem so fiery, you were no virgin - you knew what sex was like, but never has it been close to the way it is in the book.

You’ve allowed yourself to fall into this horrible habit, at night, when Jungkook is asleep to touch yourself, play with yourself, pretending it is you who is being touched by Kim Taehyung the painter with many secrets.

You feel yourself growing more frustrated with each passage you read, it becomes a little irritating and, you have to touch yourself or you'll go crazy, the man in the book was doing it so well, so hot.

Kim Taehyung, he was described as an utter beauty, soft black hair and soft eyes, a deep voice that just made the reader swoon, you close your eyes and reach your hands down to your shorts, they slip past the hem.

You wish you could moan, wish that you could be vocal, like you were in your bedroom when it was just you and your pillow, but there was one big problem and that was Jeon Jungkook.

Why did you have to room with him?

You lighten your breathing and listen for signs of him being awake, but he seems to be breathing really deep, he is asleep you assure yourself.

You turn the lamp off, at the side of your bed, setting the book on the bedside table.

You trail your hand down your stomach, much like Taehyung had done to the main character, he slowly lets his fingers flutter over the top of her shorts, and you do the same. You build the tension, like it's his beautiful hands working against you.

You pause and let your fingers slip past the hem of your panties, you trace over the fabric covering you - first over your mound, stroking sensually.

How had Taehyung done it?

Right yes, he had used his nails slightly and grazed over lightly, a slight pressure but nothing that hurt - it was just enough to make you squirm under your own touch.

You feel your own wetness, feel how obscene it is in the darkness of the night.

Jungkook is right there, and while it scares you, it also thrills you, you feel a new wave of arousal and adrenaline when you remember he is there.

Slowly and as quietly as possible you shuffle, moving to take your shorts off, it's a little loud but you think that you're okay, Jungkook is out like a log.  After a moment you continue to tease yourself.

Running your fingertips over your lips, pressing down on your hole and clenching, withholding the need to hiss.

You raise your hand further and your fingers land right at the centre of your pleasure.

Your clit. Oh, the beautiful bundle of nerves.

You cover your mouth with a hand to stifle the moan that you almost let out when you begin to rub small circles around the sensitive nub.

When you can’t get enough your panties are next to go, and when the cold air hits your wet centre you have to hold your breath, shaky.

You reach down and gather your slick slowly, spreading it all over your centre, making yourself drown in your own arousal, you use your middle and ring finger to slide up and down at a pace that leaves you edged and eager for more, you need to bring yourself to the very edge to get yourself the release that you’re after, you free hand travels up to your ever sensitive boobs, you play with them, brushing over the nipple, making them perk and then groping them while you rub at your clit.

A dirty thought crosses your mind, when you remember the boy who was asleep across from you.

What if, he was the one to touch, the one touching you, with those beautiful hands of his, those big hands.

You stifle another moan, as you think about him, hovering over you, giving it to you just right. You had heard that Jungkook could actually make a girl cum while having sex, that made you a little interested. It’s just he always opens his mouth and is an ass and ruins everything. But right now, in your imagination, only his looks and reputation matter, you twist and turn his character to be someone that you can gain pleasure from.

You can the pleasure increase and you begin to fasten your speed until you feel the signs of your orgasm and then you pull away. Edging yourself.

Your breathing is a little heavy and your work on controlling it, both your hands go to fondle your breasts and you unconsciously lift your hips, humping the air, you lean down again and enter three fingers easily into your own heat.

The squelching sound heard is deafening in the silent room, your cheeks burn red and you pull out slowly, so that was a no no, you would have to focus on your clit for you orgasm. Which was fine because you were so sensitive from playing with yourself, you know that it would only take a few more strokes to get there.

You press the fingers that were just inside of you, against your sensitive bud and you rub in slowly circles and then fastening your place and then slowing once more.

Jungkook comes into your mind again, ugh, now his lips, his pretty pink lips and the way he licks them, and the way they glisten under the sun. What if they were attached to your clit, if he was using his face to give you pleasure, like Taehyung had done to the main character of the novel, God it was so filthy.

Its driving you insane and you love it, the frustration will only make your release all the more powerful.

After a while you feel the fire blooming in your bottom of your stomach, and you quicken your pace to the point where you feel light and the waves of pleasure rack over your whole body.

You press your hand to your mouth again to conceal the gasps that are escaping you, you sigh and fall back onto your pillow feeling so much better and lighter.

Gosh did that feel good. You were aware that in your mind alarms were going off in your mind. You had thought of Jungkook while masturbating. It was a line you have no idea why you crossed. How would you look him in the eye now?

After a while, you pull up your panties and shorts and you promise yourself a shower in the morning.

What you didn't know was that the raven-haired boy of your fantasies was in fact awake and now painfully hard as he listened to your filthy little moans and gasps, he grabs his own member in his pants, strokes slowly. He spreads the pre-cum over his member before setting the fast pace that he liked, his breaths through his nose – to conceal the way his breathing has become strained. His hair becomes damp from sweat and it sticks to his forehead. He came much faster that he would care to admit the thought of you right there yet unreachable the fact that you were so NAUGHTY under all that good girl.

Turning him on, making him needy.

He breathes heavy, thinking of you under him as he squirts out cum into his pants, Jungkook too showers in the morning after you.

After this Jungkook stays up at night, listening to you, seeing if you would do it again, you do and, on those nights, Jungkook cums at the same time as you. He feels a little pathetic, he knows that he can fuck a lot of girls in the class right, but it wasn't you, God he wants it to be you writhing underneath him.

It’s the next morning and you're getting ready for your shower.

You're gathering your clothes and shampoo and creams into a little bundle and are about to open the door to the shower, when it is opened for you. The song that you were softly humming gets stuck in your throat when you register that the door was opened by Jungkook.

A very naked Jungkook.

Your face grows red, and your eyes wander over his gorgeous body, the tattoos that trail up his arm and a few on his waist, God they looked amazing.

Your ogling comes to a stop when he clears his throat. Oh, shit you think - I was staring. You quickly look up and your eyes meet Jungkook's.

He is smirking at you and as soon as you meet his gaze, he lets his own wander over body – taken in the skin that was exposed in your pyjama shorts and a t-shirt that had been small for you since you turned 13 years old.

He looks up and down your body brazenly before meeting your eyes. He licks his lips, and you zero in on it. God it was so annoying that he was this hot.

How could this be happening now? When you had spent a while avoiding him? And him you? Why did this happen after you were thinking of him last night? Oh god you grow red again and you think what if he had heard you? God, that would be embarrassing. You look at his lips again, avoiding his gaze again but maybe his eyes would have been a better option because as soon as you look at his lips, the same filthy thoughts come back to you - you shift uncomfortably trying to calm yourself. In that time, you don't notice but Jungkook has come closer to you.

You register his closeness when a water droplet from his hair falls onto your cheek. You move away slightly.

You don’t realise it but in your extended silence of checking each other out the both of you have moved closer to each other. There is no longer what people would call a healthy distance between the two of you anymore. He looks down at you and licks his lips again. His hair is wet and the way he runs his hand through it – he looks so good like this. Your dirty thoughts run wild again. Its only when another water droplet from his hair falls onto your cheek that you finally snap out of it. You move a step back.

“You look a little hot strawberry is anything the matter?” He asks you, a teasing lilt on his voice.

It’s way too early for this, you cannot be dealing with this right now, not when your mind has gone on a memory flashback to last night and he was right here in front you, so very naked.

Still, you feign your ever composed self.

“I’m just fine” you say through gritted teeth.

“I need to shower and your kind of standing in my way” you tell him.

He chuckles, a deep chuckle, gosh how are you this horny in the morning? Stop it y/n you think.

“I don't think you really mind though do you strawberry, you seem to have a very different secretive side” he says, cocking his head to the side.

You blush, shit had he heard you?

“I have no idea what you're talking about Jungkook” you say to him “I need to shower though”.

You move to get away from his hearted stare but just before you enter the washroom, a hand grabs onto your wrist and pulls you back.

Jungkook looks at you, a deep and confusing stare.

“Be careful, it’s quite wet in there” he says and then his tongue pokes into the side of his cheek. Then suddenly, he lets you go and walks off to his side of the room, your left in shock at his words and quickly scurry to get into the bedroom before more heated tension breaks through.

You shake your head of all thoughts and quickly go into the shower, what you don’t realise is that you accidently drop something, the note with the raven-haired boy who you had left in the bedroom.

Its later on during this day that Jungkook approaches you.

'Hey strawberry’ he says to you.

You raise your eyebrows at him, what’s with his sudden kindness.

‘hey’ you reply voice dipped in surprised.

‘Oh, shut up, I just came to talk to you’.

You look at him.

‘I didn’t say anything but okay…. talk then’ you gesture your hands between your two bodies.

He lets out an exasperated gasp.

‘The note – did you find one?’ he asks. You still in the next sip of coffee that you were going to take. You feel yourself grow cold. How did he find out?

He looks at you.

‘So, you did’.

‘I didn’t say that’ you say tone slightly higher than normal – you were a terrible liar.

He laughs at you

‘Hmm is that so?’

‘I have no idea what you’re talking about Jungkook’.

He looks at you, more serious this time.

“Listen y/n there's no point playing dumb, I found your stupid note anyway”.

You watch mortified as he pulls out the note that you had thought was in your pocket. Well shit then.

“I- I have never seen that before in my life Jungkook” you can't let him know; he would ruin everything - you convince yourself.

He looks at you, he’s getting annoyed that you're lying to him. He pokes his tongue against his cheek again.

“I suggest you stop lying”.

You scoff.

“Why would I ever need to lie to you your nobody to me Jungkook”.

Something akin to hurt flashes across his face for a few seconds before he slams his hands on the table.

“I don’t think you know what you're even getting into strawberry”.

You gather your belongings getting up, you need to get away from him.

“And I don't think you know what the fuck you're talking about Jungkook”.

You walk off leaving him there, but he follows after you,

“Listen I found one too, you don't need to be miss hero or anything”.

You carry on walking, not bothering to give him an answer, he would want to tell the teachers and everyone, they would cancel the trip and then how would you finish gathering your evidence? No, he was insane.

“I don’t know what you're talking about”.

‘you think your so fucking slick, don’t you? Asking around and acting unsuspicious but your wrong I could sense your stupid plan from a mile away’ he says to you, pulling you on your arm effectively stopping you so you can't walk away from him anymore. You struggle out of his hold.

‘and so, what? So, what if you know? What the hell are you going to do Jungkook? Tell on me? Are you going to threaten to tell the teachers because you know what? I’ve been thinking about it and I think they would much rather take my word for yours and all this work I’ve been doing for you – I could easily go right now and show the teachers and say that you forced me to do it!! ’

He looks at you angrily, looks like he is going to swear or curse you out but then his face relaxes.

‘you say that baby, but the truth is I have money and you don’t if I want to manipulate something I can because I have the means and power to do so, my dad's made himself something while yours totted away in the fucking garbage can’.

You feel the anger come over you and he smirks at you.

‘real fucking classy Jeon, yeah insult my parents – like it's their fault they were born into a world where people are born with silver spoons on their mouth, and at least my parents love me Jungkook’

His eyes flash with hurt

‘how do you now my parents don't love me you little bitch?’

You laugh an empty laugh at his face.

‘just look at you – you’re the very definition of boohoo my parents don't love me so I'm going to kick up a mess, so they notice me for once’.

He groans in frustration at your words then.

Somehow amidst your confrontation with Jungkook you had managed to reach your room, why are you here? Why did your feet have to leave you here?

You walk into the room and as soon as he gets in, Jungkook grabs you by the wrist and pins you against the door, your books and pencils fly across the room and while your mortified - he doesn't even bat an eyelid.

Your breathing is both heavy as you look each other in the eyes, waiting for the other to say something.

You struggle against his hold, uselessly, curse him for doing his workout routine every morning.

“You found the fucking note y/n when you went missing in the woods that day, the note that’s in Morse code, the note that you spent a week trying to decode, don't act fucking dumb” he grits out.

You still try and keep up your act,

“I have no clue in the world what you're talking Jeon, I think you're going fucking insane” you seethe out

He growls, yes, he growls.

“Your seriously fucking pissing me off now, I know you did, I know you found it”.

“Fuck off, Jungkook does it look like I care if I am fucking pissing you off”.

He looks into your eyes again and whispers something like “fucking priss” before he is connecting your lips in a kiss, a kiss that is full of ego, passion and heat. You can feel in searing through your body so fiery, setting your nerves alight.

He is relentless in his pace. His mouth against yours and God indeed Jungkook is good kisser. Before you knees grow weak you move your hands to tangle in his hair and you pull at the end causing him groan against his lips, when he does you swipe your tongue into his mouth getting a taste. You pull harder, and he groans again. It was a sound that you know you would like to hear again.

His hands move from the door and one tangles in your hair while the other presses harshly on your waist. You gasp at the pleasure and at this he takes over, he fights your own tongue for dominance and once he wins, he is rough, he wants all his saliva in your mouth, wants his taste on you, wants you to feel him in every way.

When he knows that your just as enthralled by his kisses he pulls back to taunt you - whispering the words against you bruised lips.

“You act like such a fucking little priss don't you? Act like your better than me? Lying to me? Fuck you drive me insane”.

He attacks your neck now, leaving open mouthed kisses along your ear and neck. He nibbles lightly at a few areas and when he gets to just the right place - where your breath hitches and you move your thighs together he bites down harshly without warning and you try you best to suppress your moans. Not wanting to give him any satisfaction.

“I am better than you” you say to him breathlessly, “I don’t just act like it, I am”.

He bites harder at that and you wince - Jungkook is painting you skin wine and purple and your letting him and it feels so goddamn good. He pulls you back by the hair to look at him,

“You don't look much better than me when you are bending at my will, when you're looking so fucked out and I’ve done is fucking kiss you”.

Your answer is swallowed by a moan that you let out as he takes you breasts into his big hands, and squeezes hard, you pull him up from your neck and kiss him again, his lips, your lips bruising and fighting against one another.

He trails his hand down further and dances around the hem of your pants for a while, and you place your own over his, just as your about to lead him further down a knock is heard at your door.

You both freeze

“y/n?” A voice calls out.

You calm yourself before answering, still a little shaky.

“Yes?”

“Our guest speaker has arrived, I just thought you might like to ask him a few questions before he gives his talk”.

Jungkook swears under his breath, raking a hand through his hair.

“You fucking nerd”.

He pulls you back by your pony tail and the back of your head lands on his shoulder, he tilts you slightly, so he has better access to kiss and leave more marks against your skin.

“Ah- I thank you, I’ll come in an ah- while” you say, and you hear the footsteps walk off, Jungkook spins you around and he goes to kiss you again, but you pull away.

“No, just, stop I have to go and talk”.

He looks at you “you fucking nerd” he kisses you once more, like he can't get enough of your mouth.

You pull away again.

uh what in the fuck just happened you think.

This was not meant to happen.

“Look Jungkook, I did, that is my note and I- I’ll, we can talk just not now, okay? I-I have to go. This is important"

He doesn't say anything, just watches as you fix your appearance in the mirror, an appearance he had ruined, and he smirks a little in triumph. He watches as you gather your books that had been thrown onto the floor and he watches as your ass is on display for him and God, he wishes he could grab a handful, but he doesn’t. He just watches.

You walk out the room, without so much as looking at him again and he feels oddly rejected.

He knows that you had felt good, he had heard you groan against his mouth, grind against his clothed member but he hadn't ever been walked out on before. He's not sure what exactly he is feeling. Its not a good feeling - that he was walked out on and for some old ass lecturer too.

He watches the door close, and he sits and waits for you to finish being a nerd. But truthfully it is a little hot to him that you’re so independent, you do things for yourself, your confidence and your wit, it makes you fun, you piss him off, but your company is nicer than the ones that he is used to.

He sighs what the fuck is he getting himself into.

You take a breath as you exit the room,

What in the fuck just happened? you think.

Well, when you promised Jungkook that you would talk to him you hadn't been in your right mind.  Why did you agree to that like fuck? You have no idea what to even say. How do you even start that conversation like...?

"Hey, was just wondering if you would like to you know? Go on a hunt for a serial killer with me?"

Gosh this was so stupid and the kiss, gosh your face heats up as you remember the way he had kissed you - oh so sweet and so naughty!

Gosh you were in bad, as an adult you decide to deal with the problem logically, you'll just ignore him. That will work, Jungkook had a small attention span anyway. You're sure he would forget. You really hope he does.

[youalexturnermeon]

Chasing the Past Pt. 1(Johnny Lawrence x Reader)

Request by Anon: Could I please get a Johnny Lawrence imagine where he and the reader (who is daniels sister) are secretly dating. Maybe like an old flame back in the 80s and now they reconnected?

A/N: Soo, I decided to split this int two parts since I think nobody wants to read 56746 trillion words in one go on here. This is set about 7 years after Karate Kid and Y/N and Johnny hooked up again. Please let me know if you’re up to part 2

Warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, drugs and sex, reader is of age

Wordcount: 1709

It felt odd to be back again. After all it has been more than five years ago since you set foot onto the Los Angeles’ ground for more than just Christmas or a weekend since you moved to New York. Your mom and Daniel stayed in LA and it looked like a forever solution for them, but unlike your family you were never bound to California. And yet after going to college in New York City and working there for two years the tables have turned and you lost your job. And since New York was a pricy city you had no other way than moving back to your family for a few months before you found another job. You could either stay with your slightly neurotic mom or with your over-protective brother. And although the decision was tough at first because you love both of them as much as they went on your nerves, you decided to stay at Daniel’s last minute. After all, only two years separated you and you had a lot in common.

“What are you doing tonight, (Y/N)?” Daniel asked you as you unpacked the last bit of your suitcase “Because I thought, since it’s your first day back home, we could maybe go out for Sushi.”

“Oh Danny” you sighed and laughed “Are you still not over your Karate and Japan obsession?”

Even with you being the long grown-up younger sibling you still loved to mock your brother. He stuck his tongue out and gave you a light shove.

“Fuck you!”

You shoved him back and then he shoved you again, going back and forth like 10-year olds until eventually you both got tired of it and started laughing.

“No seriously, do you have any plans or – “

“Probably going to a party on the beach, like the old times, catch up with some old friends, Linda asked me. I’m actually leaving in about an hour. We can go tomorrow” you answered casually und started picking out a suitable outfit, you never knew who you could be running in from the past.

“I never understood what you all had with the parties on the beach. They’re lame” “Just because you got your ass kicked during a beach party ‘cause you just couldn’t stand not being the centre of attention for once and simply had to play a noble hero, doesn’t mean the parties are lame” “And just because you had the biggest crush on Lawrence since that day doesn’t mean I was wrong for protecting Ali”

Daniel tried to mock you; but you could hear how hurt he was still, thinking back of his teenage years filled with rivalry and heartbreak. You tried to hide a laugh, if he’d also knew that you and Johnny Lawrence hooked up a couple of weeks before you went to college, he’d probably just kill himself out of pity.

“Still hurts, huh, Danny?” you voiced immediately, and he just shrugged it off.

“Just be careful later, okay? I can also pick you up if you want to.” “I’m not 15 anymore, you don’t have to pick me up. You can also just come with me.” “Nah” Daniel shook his head, “I never liked your friends”

“Your loss, it’s never too late to deal with your past” you joked. When your brother left the room, you put on a tight crop top, slipped in your jean shorts and tied a sweater around your hips in case it got cold. You thought, you looked great – you were ready to go.

____

At first, it felt even weirder to be included in your old friend group that it was being back in L.A. But with the alcohol flowing and joints passing and dancing and talking and goofing around it became more and more natural. You weren’t teenagers anymore; you were all young adults and yet if felt like being 16 all over again. Reconnecting felt great. Maybe after all these years of you telling yourself that you didn’t need California and all the people belonging there, convincing yourself that not one cell in your body longed after the warm climate and carelessness, you finally understood that it was a big lie you told yourself. You missed Reseda and you missed all your friends. With all the sentiment finally catching up after five years of chasing you plus the booze and the exhaustion, you had to take a moment for yourself. You took a short walk along the beach and stood there with your feet being caressed by the waves. You drunkenly smiled to yourself, you could finally be happy again.

“(Y/N) fucking LaRusso!”, you suddenly heard a familiar voice behind you which immediately pulled you right out of your thoughts, “Am I dreaming or is that really the girl that broke my heart?”

You didn’t even have the chance to turn around, you were promptly spun around by strong muscular arms and landed in a tight and warm embrace. A natural laugh echoed through the night. You inhaled the familiar scent of the person with the even more familiar voice and when you looked up you saw this face that could’ve been an angel’s if it wasn’t for the bright blue eyes filled with all the mischief in the world. He looked older than the last time you have seen him, his face was more edged than five years ago; and you might’ve been imagining it; but he also got a little taller.

“Johnny!” you shrieked and wrapped your arms even tighter around him “What are you doing here?”

“A little birdie told me the better LaRusso in back in town and I decided to go and see for myself. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you in over five years. It seems like you have been avoiding me at all costs, no letters, no calls, no visits. And it was successful until now.”

He let go of you and stepped back to get a better look at you. You, too, have changed a lot but now you were the hottest girl in town for Johnny.

“Now you can’t escape me”

“To be honest, I have been avoiding everybody since I moved to New York. I didn’t think Johnny Lawrence had a heart in the first place and especially not one to break it” you said; and you bluntly took his hand and started dragging him back to the gathering where everybody still was drinking and dancing “Let’s go have a drink and catch up”

“What do you mean, you didn’t know if I had a heart and that you broke it” he laughed and devotedly let himself being hauled behind you. He would let you do anything to him, right now. He missed you and never wanted this moment to end.

“At first, the little LaRusso seduces me, gives me some kind of victory over the shit LaRusso, gifts me the best month of my life with the best sex of my life and without a word disappears to the other side of the country. This shattered my little heart into pieces”

“Fuck off, Johnny Lawrence” you grinned “As if this somehow tickled you in any sense. Let’s just get drunk and forget about it”

Johnny was hurt you didn’t believe him because for once he did not lie about this. You leaving, really left him all broken for a few weeks and he still loved to remember the time you spent together. But since this was ancient history now, he was okay with just getting drunk with you.

“Hey guys, look what the cat dragged in” you loudly exclaimed when you and Johnny, still holding your hand, arrived in midst of all the partying people “Johnny fucking Lawrence! Can you fucking believe this???”

“That Johnny Lawrence you were crushing on since you first saw him kicking your brother’s ass?” Linda, your oldest friend from high school, the one who took you to that party, asked sarcastically whilst handing you and Johnny red cups filled with booze. You excitedly nodded.

“Yeah, I was the one who told him that the less famous (Y/N) LaRusso is back”

“No way!” you shrieked and threw your lightly drunken self on Linda, hugging her “Thank you!”

“Jesus, I didn’t know, (Y/N) would be that happy to see me” Johnny whispered to Linda when you let go of her and shifted your attention to other friends wanting to know about you and the infamous Johnny Lawrence who still seemed to be a star amongst all although everyone finished high school years ago.

“To be honest, I thought she’d jump on my throat just like her big brother if she sees me here”

“Don’t worry, I got her drunk enough before you arrived” Linda said.

“Thank you!” Johnny mouthed; he was the happiest he had been in years. He took a deep breath and spun you around, so for the second time today you laded directly in his embrace which now turned into a dance. And to be fair, the night couldn’t get any better for you either. Johnny and you laughed and talked and drank and danced, getting closer and closer to each other with every song. And the rest of the night turned into a big wonderful blur.

___

The first thing you noticed when you woke up was your terribly aching head. You didn’t even open your eyes yet and you already knew how terrible of a hangover that would be. You tried not to move but even the slightest motion that involved nothing more than breathing shot a bullet of pain right to your brain. Finally, when you dared to slightly open your eyes you realized that your head was resting on a muscular chest, softly falling and rising. You were not alone and were not in your bed and especially not in Daniel’s apartment. Curiously you lifted the covers that were lazily thrown over two bodies and a silent “FUCK” escaped your lips. You were completely naked and the athletic man on whose chest you were resting was too bare ass naked.

“Fuck!” you whispered again; and you would’ve had laughed if you knew that it wouldn’t cause you any pain and blurry glimpses of the night came suddenly back to you.

Click for Part 2

[xanadontit]

Prom 1995: The Prom That Didn’t Happen (I mean it DID but not for me)

Ok, @hotjuliachild-inthecity and @alfa-lima-limon asked for it so here you alllllll go! Hopefully this isn’t wildly anticlimactic. (Not unlike prom sex!) (Not that I would know!)

I went to a small catholic coed high school in a snooty snoot area and had a part-time job (basically unheard of at said school) working at a hair salon most afternoons after school and on Saturdays. The salon is owned by a very sweet man who has daughters around my age, and two other men (including my mom’s longtime stylist/friend) work there. It’s a fucking blast. 

As prom season approached I didn’t really have an idea of who would ask me or who I would ask (#feminism), and my close guy friends had girlfriends they were taking. A and I weren’t especially close - and at one time had a somewhat adversarial relationship because he said something sexist and I called him a fucking pig yes I’ve always been like this - but started taking more classes together and developed a somewhat tentative school friendship.

One day as I was coming out of the restroom A casually sidled up and asked me to prom and I was sort of shocked but said sure. It was 1995, and we knew nothing of the promposal. A simpler time where a guy asked you between classes before the bell and you didn’t want to kill yourself because he got the entire school and your grandparents or whoever involved.

Prom preparations start. A dress is purchased. My mother is thrilled. Plans to drive there with friends are made. I ask my cohorts at the salon for the day off, but also make plans to get my hair done that day and they are like three fairy (is that homophobic if one is straight?) godmothers asking for details. It’s adorable.

About a week before prom J, a friend of A’s, decides he’s had enough of his parents’ bullshit (I have literally no idea what the bullshit was but please know my school was full of James Spader 80s characters so like...yeah) and decided to steal his dad’s credit card and take a cab to SFO and buy a ticket to go live with his brother in New York. Except he calls A because he realizes this is a terrible plan and panics and A goes to his rescue. Yes I know this is the plot of Adventures in Babysitting and yes this is still hilarious to me 25+ years later. Also, this is a weekday which means A cut school. It’s a whole fucking thing because: strict catholics who want to make sure kids feel awful as often as possible. However, J corroborates A’s story that he was trying to bail him out, J’s parents are so grateful that they beg the school for mercy, and J gets a bunch of detention and A gets an hour of detention which he’s fine with.

A’s parents, however, lose their minds and decide to ground him with no reprieve for prom. He pleads with them, J’s parents tell them he’s a good kid, my mom offers to call (but I know she’s a hot head and will make it worse), the fucking Dean of Students (aka vice principal god that place was so pretentious) gets involved trying to bargain for a night off. No after party? Something? No dice. They believe he needs to face the consequences of skipping school and he should have notified adults blah blah. Yes, what bad judgement OH WAIT did we forget about the guy who tried to run away? It’s so close to prom that there’s no one really available as a back up. Teachers who take pity on me start calling nephews. It’s absolutely ridiculous and in hindsight very touching. And because the school is so small everyfuckingone knows about it. My friends are not especially warm or kind about the concept of me going stag or third wheeling it, making it clear it would make things “weird.” Fine. 

I eventually resign myself to no prom, accept a babysitting job that night, and show up to the salon for my usual shift that afternoon. The guys all ask what I’m doing there as I head to the back room to start my usual laundry-clean routine. I tell them what happened and they all freak the geek out on my behalf. The dads are livid a parent would do this, my mom’s friend/stylist is tearing up because he’s known me since I was 9 and is like an uncle and was so excited to do my hair. I tell them I’m fine and finish out my shift and before I leave they pull me aside and hand me a bunch of fancy beauty products so I could do something nice for myself. It’s too much.

Later at my babysitting gig the subject of prom comes up (they saw kids all dolled up at dinner) and I tell the mom the story and she gives me extra cash. Truly the dream.

Anyway, A and I haven’t stayed in super close contact - I’ve only been to one reunion - but are Fb friends and connected on LinkedIn and one year after I wished him a happy birthday he messaged me that I’m still the funniest girl he knows. Damn straight.

[angelictaehyun]

PAIRING: guardian angel!taehyun x fem!reader

GENRE: guardian angel au, soulmate au, fluff, angst

WC. 3,000+

WARNINGS: minor alcohol usage, mild language, feeling of loneliness

SYNOPSIS: Kang Taehyun, a sassy, young guardian angel, didn’t think anyone could be more of an absolute mess… boy, was he mistaken.

PART ONE || PART TWO || INTERLUDE || PART THREE

.

As you sobbed into your pillow while simultaneously inhaling ice cream, Taehyun was a world away, absentmindedly picking a piece of lint from his left wing. Not long after, he was standing in front of Soobin, an elder, receiving yet another assignment to none other than you, Little Miss Crying Mess, who’d already gone through an entire box of Kleenex in an hour. 

His job was easy (and he’d be lying if he didn’t think himself a pro): silently look after you, keep you from harm, and do his absolute best to make you happy. But you would make that extremely difficult for him. When he glanced through your extensive profile, he didn’t think anyone could be more of an… in nicer terms...

Absolute fucking mess.

Like good God, yes, your boyfriend (ex-boyfriend, now) cheated on you, but that was a month and a half ago, and you weren’t even with him that long. So why could you not shut up and stop crying?

Taehyun wasn’t supposed to think this, guardian angel and all, but what was he supposed to do? You had raccoon eyes from your dried mascara and a pending noise complaint from your neighbor across the hall. 

Funnily, the first time he ever saw you, he felt his jaw drop. Although you were possibly the ugliest crier he’d ever seen (and he’d been alive for a millennium and a half), he saw past that. He awed over your piercing eyes which held so much life in them; your adorably round face that was puffy from all your crying; your silky hair which he wanted to run a hand through. 

He felt his heart yearn for you, like you were a magnet pulling him in. 

In his first week on the job, he felt nothing but pity and sadness for you. The way you seemed so lifeless and drained had him motivated to mend your aching heart. Of course, you didn’t see or feel his presence; he worked tirelessly and quietly, doing small stuff to make you smile. For example, he’d slip a $20 in your pocket every once in a while for you to find when doing laundry (you never found them, and he was out $80 by the end of the week). He also gradually refilled your bare fridge with your favorite food, hoping you’d eat them and feel a semblance of joy, but you never touched it. Instead, each meal was a piece of toast (and occasionally a handful of Goldfish) and an entire bottle of wine. 

He prayed for your liver. 

His second week, he felt even more determined to see your beautiful smile. However, without his help, you had finally decided to take a shower and mosey your way back into society, a decision he was grateful for since you were beginning to resemble a dying gerbil. He accompanied you to your local coffee shop, following closely behind as you weaved between people on the sidewalk, oblivious to you, of course. The day was going well for you; the barista accidentally sized up your order, the jazz band in the park played your favorite song, and you felt the warm sun on your face for the first time in a long while. That is, until you ran into an old friend and found out she recently became engaged. 

He practically saw your flip switch as you plastered on a fake smile and acted as if you were fine. When you finally left, you couldn’t even make it halfway to your apartment before you were breaking down once more. 

His third week was when he decided to take on a more drastic measure. When he re-read your profile to find a list of your core memories, he realized you had a lot of love for snow and snowfall. So he made it snow. 

In the middle of June. 

Nonetheless, he completely ignored the fact that it was a logistical nightmare, thinking it was a perfect idea, sure to bring a smile to your gorgeous face. When you woke up the next morning, feeling extra chilly, Taehyun felt giddy, especially as you moped over to your window and watched the crystalline snow fall from Heaven. He felt proud, especially when he noticed a single tear cascade down your cheek; he believed he overwhelmed you with such happiness, you cried. But when he heard you mumble something like a ‘Yeonjun loved snow,’ and crawl back into bed, he widened his eyes, plopped himself on your desk, and gave up. Not only did he have to deal with a crying you (again), he also had the entire city population wondering why the hell it was snowing in the middle of summer. 

Most of his fourth week was spent on your floor, playing with your dog, devising a new plan to cheer you up, and waiting for you to wake, as you spent most of your day sleeping… though he preferred you asleep since it meant you weren’t crying. Rather than feeling that pity and empathy from his first day on the job, each time you shed a tear, he found himself growing more and more irritated, so when you cried again for the eighth time that week, he had enough. He undid his glamour which kept him hidden and made himself visible to you. He fixed himself a sandwich, sat on your desk, and waited patiently for you to notice his presence. 

Much like any sane person, when you saw a random, unknown boy aggressively eating a sandwich and watching you from less than six feet away, you screamed bloody murder (which was the reason behind the second noise complaint from your neighbor). You scrambled to the opposite side of your bed and balled your hand into a fist while the other reached for a firm, weighty object, as if that was going to protect you from what you believed was about to be certain death. 

“STAY BACK!”

“Y/N, Y/N, it’s okay, it’s okay. Let me explain myself,” he tried reasoning as he slowly approached you as one would approach a flighty deer. You reached for every pillow you could and hurled them his way. As he busied himself dodging them, you sprinted from your bedroom to the front door, but just as you reached for the doorknob, he appeared from literal thin air in front of you, making you scream even louder.

He grabbed your shoulder in an attempt to calm you but that just heightened your fear. You thrashed around in an attempt to escape, ignoring how his grip on you was outrageously strong. 

Almost inhuman. 

When you finally took in his massive, iridescent wings, a small part of your brain put it all together. The other part of your brain, however, was on fire and assumed he was a nutjob hellbent on killing you. 

“Shh, it’s okay,” he whispered, letting go of your shoulder. 

You made another failed attempt at reaching for your doorknob. This time, he grabbed your hand. 

“I’m not here to kill you.”

Your eyes narrowed and your body relaxed (barely).

“My name is Taehyun and I’m an angel. Your angel, actually.” He spun around, showcasing his golden wings. 

You let out an inappropriate snort, which was quickly replaced by a choke as he began moving closer toward you. Your body stilled and you screwed your eyes shut. 

You felt nothing but the cool tip of his wing brush against your arm as he moved by you. After a long minute of silence, you took a deep breath to calm yourself and hesitantly opened one eye, just to be met with the sight of him comfortably spread across your couch. He mindlessly picked at the fabric of your favorite throw pillow and threw a leg across your coffee table. He seemed all too familiar with your apartment, which was a frightening realization. You watched him with bated breath as he merely glanced over your trembling figure, tilting an eyebrow. He seemed disinterested… almost bored. 

You shuffled behind your kitchen counter, making sure to put plenty of distance between you both, and once you were sure there was enough space, you took him in. He was breathtaking, to say the least. His perfectly pink lips, razor-sharp jaw, defined nose, bright eyes, and high cheekbones, it was like he was sculpted by God himself. You must’ve stared too long because you saw his lips lift into a smirk. You shifted your eyes away and folded your arms across your chest defensively, “Fine, I’ll play along. Why should I believe you’re an angel?” 

He tipped his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, “Are you blind? I literally have wings.”

“Which could be fake for all I know.”

He scoffed in disbelief, “I’ll have you know, these are most certainly real. Excuse me.”

You silently leaned back against the counter with a look of disinterest and pursed lips. He sighed before turning around, allowing you to see his wings begin to glow and suddenly disappear in a flash of bright light. You were left gaping as your mind ran wild, though only a single thought consumed you, “Why do I need a guardian angel? What could I possibly need one for?”

“Well, your life… um, it’s kind of ass,” he replied as if it were obvious. 

Now it was your turn to be offended, “Excuse me? Who the hell are you to tell me that?”

“Your guardian angel?! A-are you deaf? Why else would I be here? You think I’ve enjoyed watching you mope around your apartment for the past month? You shower, like, once a week, and honestly, you look like a soggy rat. All you do is cry and never shut up, I can’t believe you’re even still capable of forming a tear! Actually, aside from when you’re asleep, this is the longest I’ve seen you go without breaking down sobbing!” he scolded as you stood in your kitchen, insulted by his harsh rant. 

“They why stay? Go find someone else to bother, it’s not like I want you here anyway!”

You picked at a hangnail and anxiously nibbled on your bottom lip. You didn’t even know why you were so offended; he was a complete stranger. As if he knew, he shuffled over to you, close enough to reach for your hand, and surprising you both, you didn’t pull away. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but like I said, your life has been hard. When your mother passed away, you had to live on your own as soon as you graduated high school, and now you can barely afford college because all of your money goes to rent. Then your boyfriend does what he did? Not to bring up old scars, but you need all the support you can get. That’s what I’m here for.”

You yanked your hand away and scoffed. ‘Not to bring up old scars,’ he says, bringing up every single scar. 

“I’ve been doing perfectly fine on my own. I don’t need your help and I especially don’t need you lurking around. Please leave.” You pointed at your door before sulking back into your room. 

“You’re getting my help whether you like it or not!”

That was the last thing you heard before you slammed your door. 

· ──────────────────── ·

The following week was unpleasant, to say the least. Each and every morning, you woke to his annoyingly handsome yet smug face as he sat with his feet kicked up on your desk… and this morning was no different. 

“Good morning, Sunshine! You know, you’re quite the deep sleeper, your heinously loud snoring couldn’t even wake you… but it definitely woke the dead,” he cheerfully remarked, plastering on a self-satisfied smirk. You ignored him and pushed your way by his tall frame on your way to your bathroom sink. Much like the week before, he appeared from thin air and perched himself on your counter. Despite your lack of response, he continued, “We should do something fun today, maybe go get some sun? You’re looking a little… lifeless.”

He examined your body from head to toe. If you didn’t know any better, you would’ve thought he seemed concerned, but he masked it well with his smugness. 

“I don’t want to go anywhere with you,” you mumbled hoarsely. 

“Then don’t go with me! Call a friend or go out by yourself, I really don’t care. Just please get out,” he whiny begged. He hated seeing you cooped up in your small, dinky apartment. He wished for you to experience life again, and he especially wished to see the light return to your eyes and the bright smile he knew you kept hidden. 

“No.”

Once you finished brushing your teeth, you climbed back into your warm bed and scrolled on your old phone. He clenched his jaw at your stubbornness, trying his best to stay calm. It was only 9:32 AM and you had already managed to piss him off. He knew you were headstrong, he didn’t need to read a profile on you to know that; just one day around you and he already picked up on your obstinance. He jumped off the countertop and climbed onto your bed to hover over your body. His breath fanned your nose as he trapped your body between him, wings draping over you both like a blanket. You were shocked and once again, left breathless just by being in his proximity, and you could feel your pulse rapidly increasing as he glanced down to your lips. 

He leaned closer and closer, and you nearly closed your eyes, until he snatched your phone from your hand. 

“You’re not getting this back until you go outside and do something. Anything. For the love of God,” he pleaded, pulling back quickly. The sudden lack of warmth snapped you out of your haze.

“Oh my God! Gimme!” you helplessly whined.

“Are you five? You know what you have to do to get your phone back.” He slapped your hand away as you tried to steal it back. 

You refrained from punching him, instead narrowing your eyes as he did the same. You both had an unspoken contest until you broke first. His harsh gaze pierced you; he was too intimidating. 

“Fine,” you snapped, making your way from bed to get ready for the day. 

· ──────────────────── ·

There was a small, quiet beach near your childhood home you loved visiting every once in a while. The tranquility of the ocean lapping at the shore always provided you with a feeling of peace. 

Until now.

You had chosen to go out by yourself, much like Taehyun had suggested, but your plan quickly faltered when he reminded you that he would be with you regardless, either glamoured or visible. Seeing as you didn’t necessarily like the idea of him invisibly lurking around, you opted to have him visibly by your side. You’d rather see his judgment rather than feel it from afar. 

So there you were, watching him smother an obnoxious amount of your expensive sunscreen onto his face as if he were a human and not a supernatural being that’s completely unaffected by UV. It’d been a week since he came into your life, or at least made his presence known, and he was already a pain in your ass. 

“I have to maintain my cover somehow.”

“What?” You didn’t know what cover he was trying to maintain, his pesky wings were hidden, and overlooking his outright godly features, he looked perfectly human. 

He did a poor job of rubbing the sunscreen into his skin and for the first time since meeting him, you felt a smile creep on your face. He looked like an idiot. You almost let him be since you were so amused, but you helped him out anyway. Standing on the balls of your feet and cupping his face, you began smoothing the sunscreen on. He held your waist, holding you steady, and you felt nervous from the proximity but you did your best to conceal it. He silently studied you, thinking you looked incredibly adorable as you focused on your small task, your eyes narrowing in concentration and your teeth biting into your soft lips. 

He couldn’t help the way his mouth tugged into a small smile. 

“All done! Now you don’t look like a ghost,” you mused. 

“Thank you,” he snorted, releasing his firm grip. Instinctually, he kept himself hovered around you, though, never really creating a noticeable distance. 

You were thankful he pushed you to leave your apartment, but you knew you could never tell him that. You just knew he was the type to constantly bombard you with ‘I told you so’, and you’d never hear the end of it. 

The rest of the day, he watched as you laid on your blanket and basked in the sunlight, eventually getting up to walk the shoreline. You kept yourself occupied as you searched the sand for pretty shells and dainty rocks, and Taehyun forced himself to keep his distance, not wanting to disturb your peace. This was the calmest he had seen you since he was first assigned and he felt so grateful; he didn’t show it but he couldn’t bear seeing you in pain. Yes, your crying was growing extremely irritating, and yes, the pile of used Kleenex beside your bed was beginning to disgust him, nonetheless, he wanted to see you happy. 

When you stopped to blankly stare at the vast ocean, he could’ve sworn he could feel your pain, the way your heart ached, the way your mind was heavy with despair. The pain he felt wasn’t one of heartbreak though, rather… loneliness. 

In fact, all of your pain stemmed from feeling completely alone. 

He quickly made his way over to your side and grabbed your much smaller hand in his—he wanted you to know you weren’t alone anymore. You didn’t turn to him, rather you kept your eyes trained on the sun beginning to set on the horizon. You leaned your head on his shoulder and closed your eyes, relishing in his warmth and the crisp tide washing over your feet. 

For reasons he still had yet to decipher, he yearned to always be by you, protecting you, making no harm ever came your way again. He tried shaking off the feeling as doing his job properly, but something in the back of his mind told him this was different. 

Something about you was different. 

And he could quite literally feel it in his heart.                                                  

Chapter Two >>                                                                         

[noocturnalchild]

Of Thieves and Poets

Paterson X original female character 

warning: bad language, mention of abuse, mention of death, light depiction of violence. 

Summary: The night falls on Paterson City, A mourning bus-driver-poet saves a thief from her victim’s clutches, Will that simple gesture of kindness change the course of both their lives?

All the passages in italic are from a William Carlos williams poem : These. 

Chapter 1 

*

The bus exhaled a death rattle. The stars twinkled far above the cloudy night sky, unperturbed in their eternity. His eyes scratched the deep purple of the firmament and his tired lungs liberated a shaky sigh.

The year plunges into night and the heart plunges lower than night.

It still happened; the face floating before his eyes, in the crowded streets, the hem of her dress in the wind, the tinkle of her laugh, the sparkle in her brown, warm irises. All six feet under.  

It still happened when he set the table for two, when he dusted her nightstand, hung her dresses in her wardrobe, ironed and still smelling faintly like her, cupcakes and paint.

Paterson’s hands squeezed the wheel.

 “Stupid bitch!”

A slap.

A strident scream.

 All six feet under.

 It had been a while since Paterson had applied the brakes with such force. With panicked eyes he followed the scene unraveling through his rear-view mirror. What seemed like a serious dispute broke out in the rear of his bus; a dozen of passengers circling someone, beating someone up, insulting someone Paterson couldn’t see but only hear.

Sky piercing mewls of an abused animal.

Six feet under. Paterson’s eyes hurt. Paterson wanted to go home.

“Stop the bus! Are you deaf? Stop the fucking bus now!”

His hands stiffened around the wheel, it was slick with his cold sweat. He stood up and the noises ceased. Long strides, clean shoes, stopped right above where her head rested.

She was clutching to the Rolex for dear life. Fragile little fingers shaking, blood on her knuckles and on her nails and on the bus floor.

“Dirty little thief!” The man shouted, eyeing Paterson with disdain and pride “about to dash off the next station.” “Right in the-”

“You broke her wrist.” Paterson cut off the bragging man, kneeling already at the side of the little sack of bones, wailing in pain.

“She stole my Rolex, sir, what was I supposed to do!? Thank her maybe?!” The man fumed, high pitched voice from hell.

The crowd hummed in agreement, Paterson closed his eyes.

“Please, I think it’s best if everyone regains their seats now. I… I have this in hand” Paterson gently slid the Rolex from a cold trembling grip as the other passengers dispersed. Noses returned to phones, fingers furiously tapping the screens, eager to tell, to collect. Pity and compassion for sale.

“Here sir, your watch” He didn’t spare a glance to the man who appeared to still have many things to say.  

Paterson stared at her bloody hand. The little thing sobbed quietly, curled on herself, head inside her arm, broken wrist on display. A damaged, cheap porcelain doll.

Dirt and stains on her pale blue jeans, holes and scratches on her thin white crop top, ribs like knives,  hair like a sad abandoned willow nest. No, a chiffon doll, crumbling under old garbage in a basement, where no child would ever find her again, alone to rot and disintegrate. Paterson’s eyes hurt.

“It’s not over, scumbag, I’m pressing charges. Next station, she’s going with me.” The man puffed his chest, over checking his Rolex, disgusted and haughty.

“She is not going anywhere” Paterson stood, mimicking the man attempt at “Mr Menace”. But Paterson was a natural; the man quickly understood that, retreated in his fake fur mantle. You’ve either got big mouths or big balls.

“Sir, you have your watch, she has a broken wrist. I think you are more than even”. Paterson didn’t even has to rise his voice.

The man chewed insults but, like the others, regained his seat at last. The bus driver poet, knew always how to keep discipline in his wheeled kingdom, a natural gift he was barely aware of.

Now silence was only cut by quiet sobs, muffled hip hop notes, neon lights whirring, and Paterson’s gentle rustling as he tried to gather the little woman. One big hesitant hand on her back, the woman shuddered, recoiled, and her injured hand jolted, another sob of agony.

“I’m not gonna hurt you”  

The poet’s eyes softened. She sensed kindness, maybe, because now her head straightened up, and Paterson looked at himself. Eyes so watery he could see his reflection, dark golden beryl, just like his. Bleeding little nose and chapped plump lips, little high cheekbones and a greasy dark fringe swallowing a sweaty forehead, and for a moment, Paterson wondered if he looked just like her, if people could see how he truly looked like, if people could see the tears of his soul and the bleeding of his heart. If they could see all the bruises and the wounds and the decay. If when they closed their eyes, they could see her name on the grave stone, like he did.

“…It’s all good, just try not to move your wrist… there, let me just help you a little” Paterson muttered as he gathered her like she was nothing. Not even the weight of one of his blue tip matches… It was a bit of a surprise, the complete absence of resistance, she was yielding, completely defeated. Empty stomach and empty pockets. He sat her far from the others, far in the back. Not a sound emitted from her. The bus emptied little by little, he took off his jacket, covered her. She looked like she could fit all her puny self inside the warm wool of it. From time to time he stole a glance at the dark shape through his rear-view mirror.

Finally, the last passenger got off the bus, and finally she spoke.

“No hospital, don’t take me to the hospital” Her words came scattered, little voice uneven, like her hair, he noticed now. It was short, wrongly cut, as if someone had taken a handful of it and started slicing, with a knife, with anger, and a desire to do harm.

The bus was quietly parked in its nest of steel and red bricks, and Paterson could attend to her, at last.

“Your wrist is broken” He stoically stated, hands in pockets, considering his options in the back of his mind.  

“I said no hospital, you dweeb” Her eyes sparkled with defiance. It was a strange way to thank someone, to say the least, but Paterson didn’t flinch.

White plastic bags rode with the wind, like mad ghosts. The crime rate rocketed in town, Paterson had before his eyes one of the little thugs that populated the underground, the run-down warehouses and the bridges flanks.

“I’ll ignore that. It’s the hospital or the precinct” He sounded sorry.

Paterson had bad bags under his eyes, fruit of many sleepless nights. After her passing, he refused to spend the night, alone in the blue bed. He changed his shifts to night hours. Sleeping the few hours before dawn on his sofa, their room a shrine to her memory.

“Fuck you”

“It’s the hospital then”

*

The ER wasn’t flooded that night. Paterson sat quietly, in the waiting room orange plastic chair, while a diligent doctor wrapped her wrist in a cast, scribbled antibiotics and painkillers, asked the routine questions, did the routine job.

Laura would be proud of him. Laura was smiling, sat beside him in her polka dotted dress, she was taking his cold hand in hers, her warm brown irises thanking him silently. Laura.

Now Paterson was standing behind the pharmacist counter, prescription in hand and she was the one sitting, quiet, wrist against her heart.

Mina. 24.

Just that. Cold black on white.

He forced himself not to imagine her lonely two syllable name carved on a gravestone.

 “Where do you live?”

The warehouses, the subways, the streets, the basements, the bridges flanks. The rat holes.

The silence became awkward once out on the wet tiles of the sidewalk. Paterson switching his weight from one long leg to the other, still holding the bag of medicines, Mina looking at the orange flickering of signalization lights, his vest still on her shoulders. She looked like a kid from a dystopian   future, from the 80’s science fiction novels he used to read.

“None of your business” She extended her valid hand, waiting, impatience in her big amber eyes.

“You need to eat, and a bath, and the doctor said—”

“I know twat! You’re not my dad, gimme the fucking bag and fuck off!”

Her chin was wobbling. Paterson spun on his feet and walked away. Stoic and tall. Damn him.

“Hey!”

She knew she should run to catch his wide strides.

Mina rarely realized a mistake when made, and as she tugged on his sleeve to make the gentle giant stop, she wasn’t sure either. Her judgment wasn’t to be trusted. Her mind was a mess, just like everything, just like her life and her wrist and her hair, just like her heart.

“Your… vest”

“I know, you can… you can keep it, my place is just ten minutes away”

“Ok, let’s go then.”

She smiled.

to an empty, windswept place without sun, stars or moon but a peculiar light as of thought

*

“Wouha! Dude your place is cool”

Mina was everywhere, inspecting the living space and the kitchen with round curious eyes.

He laughed.

Dude. No one called him dude since the campus days. Dude. That was different.

“I… I have chickens wings… some broccoli, apple pie…”

He fetched the leftover boxes from his fridge and proceeded to put them in plates to reheat, but the little sack of bones jumped on the apple pie first, two bites and only crumbles were left on the counter.

“Mhm…goohd” Mouth and cheeks still full, she slid the cold chicken wings plate into her lap and attacked the tender flesh like a starved panther.

Paterson stood there like a stranger in his own house. A bit out of breath by the chain of events. The situation starting to sink in his lonely mind.

His routine was all shaken. He felt funny. Didn’t know if it was good or bad or just…ordinary. Laura was looking at him with surprised eyes. Laura was looking at the girl with amused questioning eyes. Paterson shrugged.

She deserves another chance, everyone does, don’t they, honey?

[starlightshoals]

The Weeknd - After Hours [Album Review]

1 - Alone Again: Swimming in a deep red sea of yearning and heartache, this song is the perfect way to kick off the album. It plays like a mood, a feeling; it’s a confirmation that in the time since My Dear Melancholy, whatever hope was found, whatever lessons were learned, they’ve been lost in that ocean of new mistakes. The second half intensifies and darkens and leads the listener down the dark corridor the rest of the album will follow. Favorite Lyric: “Take off my disguise, I’m living someone else’s life, suppressing who I was inside...” 9/10, Excellent

2 - Too Late: So yeah, the production in this album is god-tier, and this track goes hard in that vein. I love the distortion on Abel’s voice in the chorus, the tempo, the vibe. There are so many segments and details that could fly over your head the first time -- this song is fucking layered. The more you listen, the more it slaps. Like every other track on the album, it’s about mistakes made that push the person you love away, but it’s not some whiny self-pity party, it’s a grim acknowledgment of how you feel and how it’s all your fault. Favorite Lyric: “When the darkness comes, you’re my light.” 10/10, Outstanding

3 - Hardest to Love: There’s a fragility to this track that’s rare in Abel’s music, and I admire that so much. It’s about admitting how difficult you’ve been and wondering why the person you love still wants you after all you’ve done. It strikes at that struggle inside where you want them to let you go because it’s best for them, but the reality of that makes you miserable and you don’t want them to forget you. I could say this about almost any track on the album, but I fucking love the 80s-style production here. Such glorious music for the soul. Favorite Lyric: “I can’t believe you want me, after all the heartbreaks, after all I’ve done, no I can’t believe you trust me, after all the rough days, you still call me up...” 9/10, Excellent

4 - Scared to Live: I gotta be honest, this song doesn’t do it for me like it does for most people. I still like it, and I love the lyrics, but stylistically it’s just a little too sappy for my tastes. I feel like this style (minus the fantastic production) is something I could hear a lot of other places, and that’s something I can’t say about most of Abel’s music. The lyrics, though! They send a lovely message of accepting your partner’s choice to leave you, gently telling them it’s okay to go on in life without you. It’s a truly gracious and grown-up thing to express. Favorite Lyric: “And if I held you back, at least I held you close” or maybe “You always miss the chance to fall for someone else, ‘cause your heart only knows me.” 8.5/10, Great

5 - Snowchild: Ooh yeah, here we go. In this song Abel reflects on his journey through the past decade. It’s a lowkey, moody, heart-in-your-throat track. It’s like walking through an empty city late at night, hands in your pockets, with an ache in your chest. It’s like leaving everything you had behind because it doesn’t matter anymore. You just want out. You just want something new. I can relate. Favorite Lyric: “She never need a man, she what a man need, so I keep falling for her daily...” 10/10, Outstanding

6 - Escape from LA: Maintaining the mood from Snowchild, this is a deep dark dive to the mind. It’s about being dead inside. It’s about being in love with someone you still have but will never have, you know what I mean? They’re in your life, but they’re not yours. And you have everything you could possibly ask for, but it’s still not enough. You’ve done everything you could possibly think of, but it doesn’t fill you up. You’re still running empty. It’s cold and it’s lonely and all that’s left is the voice inside, telling you it’s time to go. But you stay because you’re waiting. So you can be there if they come back. Favorite Lyric: “We’ll figure out our shit and find a way; when you say that you need space, I give you space.” 9.5/10, Amazing

7 - Heartless: I thought it was so funny when this song came out last year and everyone took it literally. This song isn’t about being some badass heartless jerk with no feelings, it’s about pretending to be that to cope with how broken you really are inside. It’s about embracing hedonism to hide the pain. The bridge really drives that home, where Abel sings about being lost and depressed and wondering why the fuck the person you’ve hurt and betrayed still cares enough to come back in your life. Despite all the boasting and bragging and the fast pace and tempo, this song is really the most miserable one on the album. Favorite Lyric: “I thought I lost you this time, you just came back in my life; you never gave up on me, I’ll never know what you see...” 9/10, Excellent 

8 - Faith: God, I love this song. There’s something transcendent about it. It takes you to the sky and leaves you standing in a storm. The pace it takes, the production around it, the lightning-quick smooth transitions from piece to piece, it knows exactly what it’s doing and it revels in it. It also has the unenviable task of connecting the tracks before it and after it, and dear lord does it ever. There aren’t many songs these days that truly tell a story, but this one does. Beginning to end, it takes you on a journey. Favorite Lyric: “Well, I feel everything, when I’m coming down is the most I feel alone...” 10/10, Outstanding

9 - Blinding Lights: I love this song to death, too. The synths, the words, the faint touch of hope. It’s uplifting in a way nothing else on the album is -- it’s about driving fast as you can in the middle of the night just to get to the person you love, praying you’ll get there in time. Ever since it came out last year, it’s helped me through a lot. When I’m sad, it helps me up. When I’m happy, it makes me smile. It might be the most perfect pop song Abel’s ever made. Favorite Lyric: “When I’m like this, you’re the one I trust.” 10/10, Outstanding

10 - In Your Eyes: This one knocked me flat. I wasn’t expecting another retro pop banger on the album, but uh, here it is. This one means a lot to me personally. It reflects a lot of feelings I’ve had over the years. There’s an acceptance in it, a sense of letting go and moving on while still being real about what stays, what matters. And it has a sax solo. Yeah. Favorite Lyric: “In your eyes you lie, but I don’t let it define you.” 10/10, Outstanding

11 - Save Your Tears: There’s something so...peaceful about this song. It reminds me of my dad and some of the 80s music he played when I was a kid. It has that nostalgic feel to it, you know? It’s different for Abel and I like it. At first I wasn’t sure what to think of it, but the more I listen the more I like it. Favorite Lyric: “You could’ve asked me why I broke your heart, you could’ve told me that you fell apart, but you walked past me like I wasn’t there, and just pretended like you didn’t care.” 9/10, Excellent

12 - Repeat After Me (Interlude): The vibe, the mood, the feel. This song goes deep and stays there. Like Alone Again, it’s like dipping into dark water and swimming a while, floating on a memory. Looking at old photos you probably should’ve deleted. Reading old messages from someone you should’ve blocked. It hurts, but it heals. Favorite Lyric: “You don’t love him if you’re thinking of me, you’re just fucking, it means nothing to me.” 9.5/10, Amazing

13 - After Hours: This one took us all by surprise, didn’t it? A six-minute track with a beat switch and enough atmosphere to make your jaw hit the floor. When it dropped it tipped everyone off that this album was going to be special. The song itself is so fluid, so smooth, displaying everything Abel’s learned since he began. It’s a masterpiece that perfectly sums up every theme on the album and then some. Favorite Lyric: All of it, but especially the chorus and the bridge. 10/10, Outstanding

14 - Until I Bleed Out: If Snowchild is like walking an empty city at night, this song is like stumbling out an alley as dawn hits the streets, blood running down your side. Bathed in that red light, begging to be let go. It’s the fitting book-end to where this album started, closing the chapter with nowhere left to go. It doesn’t leave with easy answers, it doesn’t tell you everything is fine. But it acknowledges a change. Favorite Lyric: “Well I don’t wanna touch the sky no more, I just wanna feel the ground when I’m coming down...And I don’t even wanna get high no more, I just want it out of my life...” 9/10, Excellent

Final Rating for the Album: 9.5/10, Amazing

[doomedandstoned]

King Buffalo Provide Respite For Pandemic-Weary Listeners on ‘The Burden of Restlessness’

~By Billy Goate~

Artwork by Zdzisław Beksiński

I confess, I came a little late to the KING BUFFALO party. I mean, I’ve known about them from their very first record on and have even picked songs to play on The Doomed & Stoned Show that's I've found particularly enjoyable. Regulars to the program know I’ve always been more a doomer than a stoner, though obviously relishing music from both worlds. Only recently had I given myself the opportunity of really baking in their music. It probably has something to do with the summer psychedelic kick I’m on lately, that and I’ve been getting a lot more sunshine, walking more, learning how to enjoy being human again.

Not only did I give the band's latest LP, 'The Burden of Restlessness' (2021) a solid listen, I've been spinning it non-stop! The title grabbed me right away, because I could very much identify with the uncertainty and fear of 2020 lockdowns, which eventually gave way to boredom and stoic despair. Depending on who you ask, it's their third studio album and it's got its hooks in me for damn sure.

Sonically, the sound is fresh and vital, every note captured prestinely by frontman/guitarist at Rochester's Main Street Armory between December and January. I don't know if he's a sound engineer on the side or what, but I really am impressed by how present the instruments sound, without excessive reverberation. After Sean finished recording and mixing, the tapes were sent to Grammy-nominated producer Bernard Matthews for mastering on the other side of the continent in Portland, Oregon.

Let's go through King Buffalo's release track-by-track, because I think there's plenty to talk about here.

1. Burning

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

I feel it falling apart Too many blisters and scars Are we the wick or the flame, are they just one in the same? Was it just doomed from the start?

The record opens with “Burning” and in those first dozen seconds of churning downtuned noise, we’re unsure what kind of song it’s going to be. An assertive riff-motif starts to dance to the accompaniment of a motor-like rhythm. The singing is as depressive as we’re bound to encounter from King Buffalo, with lyrics that express regret about “another year lost in the wasteland” and that feeling of falling apart while time stands still.

The members of King Buffalo have been on a steadily rising trajectory in recent years, so the sudden closures of concert halls and canceled tours wasn't just a bummer for a lot of professional musicians; it had immediate career implications, along with the obvious problem of no job = no money. It’s one thing to weather through a crisis when you know what the end game is, and at this time last year most of us still didn’t know what the hell was going to happen. We thought everything would open up and return to normal, then the summer of 2020 exploded all around us with social unrest. The album’s title speaks to the creative frustrations of being not only uncertain of when your band is next going to tour, but what to do in the meanwhile. For creative people, there’s a burden to create -- sometimes just to keep yourself from going mad with frustration.

2. Hebetation

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

I don’t know which way to run One thousand different ways but I can’t seem to live with one So I’m stuck where I’ve begun Another languid day, can’t seem to break away

“Hebetation” was one of the singles that emerged before the album was independently released toward the start of summer. It is the song I relate to the most, too. Vibrant Helmetesque riffmaking sets the song a sail, with a bit of a nod to Sabbath as well. The math-like interplay between drums, bass, and guitar have a vaguely krautrock aura about it, though the volume and tone is pure metal. Like the opening track, the words are frank and honest, addressing the weight of unfulfilled dreams, the jadedness that comes with disappointment, and suicidal thoughts that come floating into mind when it seems nothing's working out as planned. “Nothing’s changed at 35. Still every night I dream a million different ways for me to die.”

3. Locusts

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

Stifling the sun with wicked hands Everything undone with vicious plans

“Locusts,” as the name implies, is replete with bouncing guitar rhythm, with picking that seems to dart about like that swarm of grasshoppers that used to sweep through my poor pitiful East Texas garden mid-summer and shred everything in sight. Around the 3:30 mark, we’re treated to an extended high-end grinder of a B-section, with sweeping psychedelic gestures ala Kim Thayil -- and hearkening back to the melodic motif of another great song: “Sun Shivers.” When the A section returns, the rhythm is more deliberate, less dashing about in math or progressive fashion. The song ends with what could well end up an extended drone jam on just the right night as King Buffalo continues to roll through the U.S.

4. Silverfish

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

I stare at the cracks in the wall And melt into nothing A silverfish slithering away, from everything

“Silverfish” got a music video, which was a wise choice as the song is quite accessible and relatable, too (even if it did get a few people wondering if King Buffalo was having their own “The Sword Moment” stylistically). The main motif is a two-note broken interval from high note to low in an almost an ‘80s-style nod to the advent of computer generated music (to my ears it sounds like the guitar may either be taking on the action or playing in sync with the synthesizer).

Never fear, the heavy is soon here. When I heard those first crashing tripled-down chords, I let out an inner hellllll yeah to that shit. The quirky little melody from the start comes back, this time on guitar in a way that really works to convince you that it was a good artistic choice from the get-go.

Lyrically, it's another wistful line of expression: “I stare at the cracks in the wall, I think I’m unravelling...I think I’m losing my grip on everything, I’m drifting away.” This is also one of the few songs on the record with a strong melodic chorus. It comes towards the end, which works quite effectively in climaxing the song.

(BTW, anyone else freaked out by silverfish as much as me?)

5. Grifter

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

I make my way over the dunes Desolate and dry The remnants of empires past Too stubborn to die

“Grifter” returns to the everyman accessibility of “Burning” and “Hebetation,” with a notably despondent tenor to each line of the song. The calm singing over rhythmic verses so characteristic of King Buffalo’s writing gives way to a brutal grind sans chorus. Sometimes you don’t have words and you just have to work it all out with your axe or piano or whatever's your jam. There didn’t need to be a big, bloated angry chorus on top of it all. We feel that most adequately from the riffmaking itself, which plays out like slow burning frustration that intensifies with every round of the dirge.

6. The Knocks

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

Everyday I wake up on the floor Another useless day like every other that’s come before I can feel it creeping more and more Don’t think I wanna wake no more, don’t think I wanna live no more

“The Knocks” features the same keyboard playing as before, so now I’m sure it's either Sean or bassist Dan Reynolds on synth -- though the playing here is much more ornamental, at times adding an exclamation point to the sentiment of the lyrics. It might be a little much if overplayed, but here it’s dispensed judiciously. We have a bass, drums, and synth break where a chorus would normally be, followed by another shred sesh that’s feeling like Helmet or Prong love. A beautiful mid-range guitar melody intervenes, then things start to feel a distinctively robotic pattern announces itself around the 3:20 mark, joined in short order by the rest of the instruments. This leads to a melodious guitar sequence, with the dexterous kind of finger work that the one dude at shows likes so much when he pretends to shred next to the stage.

7. Loam

The Burden of Restlessness by King Buffalo

I’m shedding the burden of restlessness To rise from the loam of the nothingness

“Loam” hearkens back to my favorite King Buffalo album, ‘Longing To Be The Mountain’ (2018). A broken octave rhythmic pattern is plucked with drums and bass being all cool, saying just the right thing at the right time. Atop it, the jaded, sedated crooning of Sean McVay, which as both a musical and cultural Doomer I find appealing. A mean guitar lick lashes out like a whip atop bass and drums around 3 minutes, then tears into another voiceless psychedelic improvisation. It's a beautiful instrumental metal section with a hard rock appeal. The song returns to its opening vibe in an almost Toolesque fashion, then opts for more catharsis-giving mosh time and another plaintively sung extended note melody.

The verses give us a hint of hope, as Sean declares: "I’m shedding the burden of restlessness / To rise from the loam of the nothingness." I'm curious to hear the two other albums the band plans on releasing in 2021 (yes, you read that right!) and how they will pair or contrast with this one.

King Buffalo's The Burden of Restlessness holds a special place in my music library and its songs are a frequent highlight of my daily playlist. I suspect it will be a record you, too, will keep close at hand as the plague rages on. A balm for the weary soul.

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[roselen-mylady]

In Another Life

Bucky Barnes x reader ° part six

Summary: Waiting 88 years to find your soulmate? It was cruel. But it was a cruel fate Bucky would have to face whether he accepted it or not. Bucky was a tortured man all his life and he wasn't even granted the solace of having his soulmate at his side. All he had was the promise of one in another life. They were separated by two different times.

But the pain in their lives were connected.

Y/n had been alone ever since she could remember. All she could depend on was the soulmate that was destined to be at her side. Yet when the snap occured she lost him.

And Bucky never got to meet her.

2014

"What was it like meeting Fury?" 

Maria glanced up from her paperwork, piecing together what Y/n had meant by the simple question. Like many children her age, Y/n was curious about meeting her soulmate and what it might feel like. Maria was once like Y/n and she smiled kindly, setting down the papers. 

"Did he tell you?" Her unspoken question was easily understood by the young girl and Y/n shook her head, looking back down at her own papers. The blueprints of the Helicarriers had finally been granted to her and she found it made it easier to operate when she was able to get a better look at the inside without walking the length of the giant machinery. 

"I figured it out on my own. But then again, he didn't try too hard to deny it." Y/n shrugged. Maria's smile lingered as she nodded absentmindedly. 

"Nick has always been a smart man. He must've known trying to lie to you would be a difficult feat." She replied, earning a proud giggle from the young girl. 

"Well, that's one way to look at it. I think he's just pissy that I owned his ass in training last week." Y/n smirked, stealing a glance at Maria as the woman laughed. "How did you feel, knowing that the most paranoid and dangerous man on the planet was your soulmate?" 

Maria thought over Y/n's question this time, knowing that getting her to dismiss it would be pointless and impossible. It was a question Maria never had to answer before. No one had ever asked her how it felt to be Fury's soulmate because nobody really knew. Fury couldn't risk someone coming after her because of it and she quickly found that it went both ways. They protected each other and slowly built a bond that went deeper than being partners. They were companions and on the rare chance that Fury decided to open up, it was always to her. 

"I felt like I had known him forever. It was like meeting an old friend and it felt familiar and safe." Maria answered carefully. "Of course, it took some time to gain his trust but then again he didn't exactly have mine either. Once there was trust, we were each other's greatest allies and have been ever since." 

Y/n listened intently with a childish amazement. Though Maria's explanation wasn't exactly romantic, Y/n had grown up listening to the fairy tale of her parents' meeting and she couldn't help but imagine a happy ending like in the stories. 

The mere thought of having that with someone brought a stupid grin to her face and she let herself fall into the fantasy of meeting him. What if he was one of the older boys at her old high school? They were funny, handsome and always kind to her despite her age. Would they have a cliche reunion when they were older like in the movies? 

Or was he someone she had never met before? Was he thinking about her? Did he wish just as badly to meet her? Would he hold her and kiss her as passionately as the guys on TV did? Her poor 15 year old cheeks flushed at the idea and Maria laughed quietly as she watched Y/n get lost in her thoughts. 

"I can't wait to have that with someone." Y/n confessed, wanting desperately to have someone to share her life with. She already wanted to tell him everything but she still had at least three years before getting her countdown and however long after that to wait. Waiting was never something she enjoyed but for him she decided it couldn't be too bad. 

"You will. You just have to be patient." Maria told her. Y/n nodded silently, glancing back at her papers as her mind drifted back to her plans for the Helicarriers. 

He'd be worth the wait. 

•••

1992

"Sir." A younger agent called, catching the attention of the older man. "His countdown…" 

Bucky sat before them, expressionless in his chair as the aftermath of the wiping buzzed through every nerve in his brain. His chest heaved in steady yet painful breaths, his dark locks clinging to his forehead as sweat drenched him and his uniform. 

The older man watched him with a stony gaze, his focus never tearing away from the broken assassin. "What of it?" He replied, agitated as the younger agent fidgeted beside him. Bucky's condition didn't sit as well with him as it had with the others. His young mind still clung to what was right and what was wrong, untainted by the concept of loyalty and duty. He pitied the Soldier and whoever he was destined to. 

"What are you going to do about his soulmate?" The young man asked cautiously. He feared the backlash of his words but he couldn't stop them from coming out. No one seemed to have the Soldier's interests at heart and while he knew that was the point of brainwashing him, the young agent believed there was still a part of the Soldier left. One that craved his soulmate like everyone else. 

"He will handle it like every other threat. His soulmate has no place in this world or with him and will be dealt with accordingly." The older man answered without missing a beat. There was no remorse in his voice, sending a sick feeling to the younger agent's stomach. 

Bucky hadn't even moved at the mention of his soulmate, his freshly erased mind unable to recognize just how important the discussion was. It was unable to comprehend that he was going to be the death of his own soulmate, let alone object to it. All he could do was obey. 

The agent's eyes fell from the Soldier, repenting his choice to join HYDRA. They spoke of the future and creating a world willing to give up their freedom for safety but this wasn't right. The tortured man before him was enough proof to show HYDRA was no longer standing for any cause. They just wanted the world to burn. 

And they fully intended to make Bucky light the match. 

•••

Y/n hated how terribly familiar it felt, standing there in the compound while the man she had come to know as Scott rambled on about the Quantum Realm. It reminded her of being an agent, the youngest person in the room but still the brightest. The way she would lay out mission plans and listen to Fury explain them the very next day to the other agents. She was a good agent, a hero, Fury had once told her. But that was behind her. She couldn't go back to fighting for the greater good. 

She wasn't built for it. 

The Quantum Realm was always a topic that piqued her interest. The bizarre nature of the other realm was complex but she felt an obligation to understand it the best she could. Her incisive mind would never rest without something to contemplate and whenever she felt herself growing bored she'd come back to the science around the Quantum Realm. There was so much about it that they still didn't know which meant it's possibilities were as infinite as the realm itself. 

But what Scott was talking about was just unbelievable. 

Stuck in the Quantum Realm for five years? Trapped in a void of infinite time and space for all that time without any way to tell exactly how much time has passed, she wondered how he didn't go mad. His later explanation of five years only feeling like a short span of five hours, cleared up her most pressing question but she still had a million more to take its place. 

How did he get to the Quantum Realm? How'd he get stuck? How did he navigate himself out? Why did he only get out now? How did he find them? 

Her mind was buzzing with so many unknowns. But she could hardly hear her own thoughts as one voice screamed from her subconscious.  

Run. 

"I really don't think I should be here." Y/n mumbled, starting to step away from the three. Her doubt and fear began to overpower any curiosity she had about the Quantum Realm and she fought the urge to just leave without an explanation. She owed Steve an explanation. He trusted her enough to have her there and she couldn't even explain why she couldn't stay. Why anything involving heroes filled her with such guilt and terror that she avoided it at all costs. Until she met him. 

The group's focus shifted to her as she backtracked, hesitantly trying to make her escape before it was too late. Yet all hopes of leaving quickly diminished as Steve called her name, his desperation clearer than the windows around them. 

"Please. You can help us." He pleaded. Nat reached out to reason with him but he stayed firm in his request. His eyes were fixated on Y/n and she struggled to remain unwavering. 

"How, Steve? I'm not like you guys. I'm not an Avenger." Y/n told him. The sentence soured in her mouth but she was insistent, hoping maybe if they believed it she would too. Nat stared at her with an unreadable expression making the frantic beating of Y/n's heart only double. 

Y/n was a good liar. A trait she supposed came with her intelligence. Fury found this trait as a skill he could use, morph to make her into a better agent. But as she stared at Steve and Nat she couldn't help the disappointed frown that had formed. Lying to them was all she had done. And once they found out, she would lose them. 

Steve's eyes fell to the floor, considering Y/n's argument with a grave expression. He wanted to respect her wishes and let her go. She had a normal life and ever since he entered it, there was a feeling of guilt that hovered over him like a dark cloud. The thought of anything happening to her because of him was crushing but he couldn't bring himself to leave her.  

Y/n represented the only piece of normal he had left. For 80 he was treated as a symbol, an idol for people to look up to and while for years that what he had wanted and accepted was his life, he still craved the normal life he never got. A life with his soulmate where he wasn't Captain America, where he had a normal home and normal friends. 

Y/n was normal to him even if she was strangely smart at times or she seemed to be hiding a loss in her past that he never got close enough to ask about. Despite her secrets she gave him normalcy and all of the questions he had for her faded away. Even her hesitance toward their friendship was forgotten because she was kind and he never felt the anger of his failure from her. With her he could forget it all, and go back to a time things were better, a time he once lived with Bucky.

He just couldn't let her walk out the door, especially with Scott there. His presence meant there was a change in the air and for the first time in 5 years, he was hopeful. There might actually be a way to undo what Thanos had done and he wanted Y/n there every step of the way. To keep him grounded. 

"You are to me." Steve confessed, his soft frown silently begging her to stay. 

Y/n watched his eyes search hers, looking for any tell that might give him his answer. She desperately wanted to say no. Run away like she had been all this time and forever regret getting so close to a hero when she had promised herself to never go back. 

But all that came to mind was a smaller but more compelling thought. She was a coward. The once correct decision she believed she had committed by leaving her past behind her wasn't protecting those around her. She was fearful and senseless and by running away she wasn't saving anyone but herself. 

In that moment, whether she stayed or not was her chance to do something with herself. The same dream she had as a child of being something more was still there, unrelenting in the back of her mind and this time she wouldn't let failure ruin her. She had felt the loss of everyone she'd ever cared about and by joining Steve she ran the risk of it again. But she wouldn't. Not this time. 

"Okay. I'll help however I can." Y/n offered a small smile, trying to force away the worry that sprouted in her heart. For years her work with helping those after the snap had satisfied her need to put her skills to good use but now she could do more. Like Fury had wanted her to. 

"Wait, what's your power? I get really small, I mean, obviously, Ant-Man. And sometimes I can get big too but I try not to anymore." Scott ranted, the excitement obvious in his wide eyes and rapid words. Y/n gave Scott a lasting stare, a little thrown off by his polar attitude towards the emotional moment. 

"I read minds." She joked, hoping he'd catch on to her sarcasm. But the poor man was too thrilled with her supposed superpower to realize he'd been fooled. 

"Whoa, that's so cool. What am I thinking?" He asked almost instantly, childlike in his manner as he stared at her intently. Her face deadpanned, sending a quizzical look to Steve and Nat. This was the man they were listening to? Steve shrugged in return before both their gazes fell back on Scott. 

"You're thinking about eating that sandwich." Y/n answered finally, a glimpse of disbelief flashing across his features. It didn't exactly take a mind reader to know, she had noticed him staring at it since he entered the room. But that didn't occur to him and no one wasted any more time explaining it to him as he stole half the sandwich. 

"Scott, what were you talking about?" Steve sighed, dragging Scott's distracted mind back to his plan. The frenzied man swallowed thickly, forcing his words through the peanut butter that stuck before starting to pace. 

"What I'm saying is, time works differently in the Quantum Realm. The only problem is right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what if we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if we could somehow control the chaos and we could navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time but then exit at another point in time? Like-like before Thanos." Scott described. 

"Wait, are you talking about a time machine?" Steve questioned in disbelief. Y/n looked to Nat, the slight flick of her eyes conveying her skepticism. Scott stopped pausing to shake his head with a scoff, offended that his masterful plan had been compared to the object of most fictional media. 

"No. No, of course not. No, not a time machine. It's more like a…" Uncertain, his voice trailed off. "Yeah, a time machine. I know it's crazy." Scott admitted, unable to find another word for his idea. Y/n shook her head, stepping forward. 

"Yeah, you're right it's insane." She agreed. Steve's brow furrowed and he crossed his arms turning to her. 

"What do you know about this?" He inquired, wondering if his request for her to stay had been justified. Y/n bit her tongue, unsure how much to tell him. She'd have to find a way to explain how helpful she could be without dredging up her past. 

With a short sigh, she ran a forceful hand through her hair, grateful when her fingers didn't snag. What they were talking about was impossible. Sure there were theories on uses of the Quantum Realm, many of which she researched yet none were proven. The sheer fact that it was so outlandish was one of the reasons that had steered her in it's direction. 

"In college I went to practically every science related class I could. This scientist, Bill Foster, came to my college and did a short class on it for like a month. I thought it was cool so I kept coming back but this isn't an exact science, the Quantum Realm is infinite in time and space." Her excuse was vague, vague enough to not get any more questions. 

Once during her years at college she would stay up countless nights letting her mind run rampant about the topic. It was fun to see if she could figure out a way to use the Quantum Realm like Scott talked about it, but the main reason it was fun was because she never expected to actually have to make a working theory. 

"Hey, I met that guy." Scott announced, rather amused as Y/n gave him an exasperated look. 

"Then you should know that finding a certain point in time is the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack but the haystack is infinite and time means nothing." It was frustrating not being able to be of more help since she was in fact a genius but the science was too unreliable, practically everything was just hypothetical. 

"So, can you find a magnet?" Steve asked. Y/n looked to him recognizing the desperation in his eyes. The simple action made her heart clench in her chest. Steve had a way of making those around him share his passion toward anything and she hated how easily she fell victim. It was impossible not to get wrapped up in the righteousness of things especially when her best friend was the face of America. 

It was his passion that had kept her around him, unable to distance herself like she had from so many others. Something in Steve was reassuring and she never feared losing him to anything but her secrets, but that was easy, right? She could keep a secret. 

Y/n rubbed her arm, briefly catching sight of her countdown. The numbers sent a chill through her and she froze for a moment, her eyes calm and calculated as she thought over the situation. 

An interesting idea came to mind looking down at the numbers on her wrist. Was this what her countdown was leading her to? A time machine? It made sense since her countdown had been just as curious as the Quantum Realm itself. Did her countdown mean time travel was real? 

She tugged down her sleeve, not catching Steve's eyes peering down at it, trying to catch a glimpse but to no avail. 

"I might be able to get you started but it'd take a genius to even know where to go from there." Y/n offered, unaware of Nat's narrowing eyes. Steve turned his gaze to the floor, a certain man coming to mind. There was a slim chance he might help. The guilt Steve felt was the same in Tony and it might be enough to get him to join their crazy mission. 

"I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some way... There's gotta be...some w... it's crazy." Scott mumbled. Y/n crossed her arms looking over at Steve. She remembered a time when even being friends with him was crazy to her but she quickly grew used to the feeling. But now she was questioning everything. 

In what world would she ever run back to her past. In what world would she set aside her fear to help the Avengers, a team she was once groomed to replace. In what world could she forget about her mistakes and help revive the world if their plan worked. 

"I get emails from a raccoon, so nothing sounds crazy anymore." Nat let out a sigh, annoyed by her own mention of said raccoon. Y/n's head unconsciously whipped around to her, confusion creasing through her brow. 

Maybe in a world where raccoons talk?  

"So who do we talk to about this?" Scott questioned, shifting his stare between the three. Nat and Steve shared a look knowing who they'd have to visit and that he'd probably not be too easy to persuade.

Y/n stared dazed at Nat, only deciding to speak up when it became apparent that Nat wouldn't explain further. "Wait, a raccoon?"

•••

A song Y/n didn't recognize hummed in the background, just audible over the rough sound of the road. 

Reluctantly Y/n had gone with Steve and the others to Fairburn, Georgia, heading somewhere she hadn't thought to ask. Now she drove a rental car a couple car links behind Nat as she led them outside the city. 

Steve hadn't said a word the entire ride, instead shifting silently in his seat. His mind was too jumbled with the time machine and his best friend's sudden knowledge in the Quantum Realm to really make any type of conversation. All the secrets he knew she'd been hiding were beginning to weigh on him and he didn't know if he could afford to allow her to keep them any longer. If it meant bringing back half the population, so many of his friends included, was he prepared to out her? 

Deciding the silence was too much to bare, Y/n spoke what had been on her mind. "Is it him again?" 

Her eyes were fixated on the road and she intended to keep them there, in fear that looking at Steve might break her resolve. She was going to get answers. 

"Who?" Steve asked, wondering if somehow she had figured out where they were going. 

"Bucky." She answered, catching him off guard.

It was no secret, Y/n's subtle resentment. A lot of people still held onto the acts of the Winter Soldier and while Steve couldn't blame them, he also couldn't blame Bucky. It was a horrible thing done to him but for the life of him, Bucky couldn't seem to receive forgiveness. 

But what had surprised Steve was the way his name sounded from her mouth. It was bitter but so defeated as if her anger tired her. He wondered why she would mention him at all if that were the case. 

"How did you forgive him? For all the lives he took, for all the people he hurt?" 

There it was. The reason. The question he'd hope to never be asked by her. It meant she hadn't forgiven him. It meant that she wouldn't. 

"What do you mean?" Steve questioned, almost in denial of what she had said. 

It had been years since he had tried to prove his best friend's innocence to someone and it hurt that he had to do it now with someone who had become as dear to him as Bucky. "He wasn't himself, Y/n. You know that." 

"How wasn't he himself?" She pressed as gently as she felt she could manage. She couldn't risk making Steve close further into himself but she wanted to know, more than anything in the world. 

"How could he have not made the conscious choice to be a killer?" She asked. 70 years was a long time, but not long enough to become a completely different person. There was more to it. That secret being kept from her. 

"The Winter Soldier wasn't him." Steve pleaded. 

Y/n paused. He was holding onto that delusion by a thread and she was on the verge of snapping it. 

Guilt flooded her and she bit her cheek, not daring to speak another word. It wasn't fair to demand answers from him. She knew that. But she couldn't do it anymore. 

She was way past asking for an apology, all she asked for was closure. She'd accepted her own role in her misfortune, realizing that she played a part within it. She accepted the guilt that came with it, accepted that it was because of her ambitions that she was left with this trauma. 

All she wanted to know was why he had done it. Why would he mindlessly try to kill a 15 year old and then claim that wasn't him in the next moment? And the only man that could truly tell her what he was thinking while choking the life from her was gone. 

"I'm sorry, Steve." She spoke quietly, trying to force the quiver from her voice. "It's just, I never knew the Bucky you remember." 

Steve didn't reply. It was like he was trying to protect the truth. Protect it for himself or for Bucky's memory, she couldn't tell but she knew she hadn't yet earned the truth from him. Not unless he knew hers. 

"The first I ever heard of him was when I was fifteen. I was living in Washington when he killed a man in the street." She told him, leaving out the part where the Winter Soldier then turned his attack toward her. "I was nearby that day, I saw him blow up that man's SUV." 

Steve was stunned by what she told him. She had never told him that she'd actually seen the Winter Soldier. Never revealed that her resentment came from a personal place. 

"The Winter Soldier hurt people, he destroyed lives. I saw him do that, you can't just tell me it wasn't him." Y/n swallowed thickly. It was difficult to hide her stinging eyes, eyes that wanted so badly to cry from frustration. 

For years she had listened to his stories. And yet he kept the most important one from her. 

Steve knew she was right. Bucky's full story was never released to the public. There was no way she knew anything other than what she'd seen and the horrible things the media remembered him for. 

Nobody would ever hear his story and come to forgive him. He was gone and his truth had been buried with him. 

But here Y/n was, pleading to hear that very story. She was desperate to move on and while Steve didn't completely understand why, he wondered if maybe this was his chance to make amends on Bucky's behalf. To ease Y/n's obvious pain just a little. 

"In 1945 Bucky was taken by HYDRA after I left him for dead. It's my fault that they got him. I couldn't save him." Steve's regret bubbled rapidly up his throat. 

Y/n listened silently, surprised yet grateful that he'd spoken.

She listened as he explained what HYDRA called the Winter Soldier project. He told her in detail how they'd use him to carry out political assassinations against his will and Cryo-Freeze him away for years whenever they were done with him. 

All of this she knew from her own research. What she hadn't known, however, was perhaps the most disturbing part of the tale. The answer to the question she'd been asking for years. 

How had such a kind man like James Barnes become a ruthless killer? 

"The Bucky I knew would never do those things willingly. I knew-" Steve's voice cracked as he tried to get out the hardest part of a story he hated telling. He hated even thinking about what they'd done to his friend and coming to terms with it seemed like something he'd never accomplished. 

"I knew they had to have done something terrible to him to make that happen. And I was right." Steve frowned. 

Y/n held her breath as his next words came, unsure if she could handle what she would hear. Once he told her, she would have to make a choice, a choice she feared she might not be able to make. 

Would she forgive, putting all the blame onto her own mistakes? Or would she hold onto her resentment, allowing the Winter soldier to continue to serve as a scapegoat for the day that ruined her life? 

Unfortunately, the choice was made for her. 

"For 70 years they brainwashed him using this memory suppressing machine. I saw it, Y/n. In Serbia, where they kept him. It was a chair in a dark room that they strap him into and use to erase who he was." Steve confessed, releasing the truth Y/n had been so adamant about hearing. 

Now she wished she hadn't. 

Ignorance was bliss, right? 

"They used electroshock. Not only did it erase all of his memories from before he was the Winter Soldier, it literally damaged his brain. He couldn't make a single choice for himself, couldn't object or fight back." Steve bit his lip, turning to face his friend. "Y/n, you have to believe me when I tell you, the Bucky I know would've rather died than do the things he was forced to." 

Y/n froze, her gaze falling on his pleading expression only for a moment. It was all she could bear. 

She felt sick, trying to process what he told her. 

So that's why Steve was firm in his belief that James Barnes wasn't the Winter Soldier. 

Mentally he wasn't. 

"Brainwashing?" The word rolled off her tongue with a sting. All this time she'd resented a brainwashed man, a man who physically couldn't make decisions of his own. He never had any motive to hurt her, he merely did what he was told. 

Guilt rose in her throat and she gagged feeling bile rise along with it. 

Everything she'd ever convinced herself crumbled around her, the only thing left standing being her pity for James Barnes. For years she pitied him. Pitied the man that had fallen so far from the symbol of altruism to a heartless assassin. 

Now she pitied him for so many reasons she couldn't begin to list them. In fact it wasn't even pity anymore. Now it was simply sorrow. She mourned the man that had disappeared just when he was beginning to take control over his life again.  

It was hard to convince herself that the Winter Soldier still warranted that hatred she wanted so desperately to direct away from herself. Maybe that was why Steve thought of them as separate people.  

She couldn't resent James Barnes. 

But the man he was once forced to be still terrified her. 

The knot in her stomach tightened but she kept her face neutral as they turned off the busy road, driving off in a more vacant area. Trees were beginning to spot around them and Y/n tried to focus on admiring them rather than the sickening tale Steve had told her.  

While the man she feared had been brainwashed into doing the horrible things he did, she had ruined her life with the promise of making things better. She had a choice while he hadn't. Was she the monster? 

•••

Part seven

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