#but i made this post at a bitter and angry point in my life and i think i intentionally ignored some of the privileges i have gained

[say-hwaet]

The Dynamic Between Arthur and the Marstons (long post )

I guess I should say there are spoilers, just in case…

After playing the story through several times, I have to say, that Arthur Morgan is one of the best characters ever written. Aside from his development, there is so much depth to him, and regardless of his honor, there is so much to unravel.

I’ve been thinking about the relationship that he has between the Marstons, meaning John, Abigail, and Jack, and it really makes sense as to how Arthur acts the way he does around them in the beginning and all the way to the end.

A lot of his behavior, I think, stems from the loss of Eliza and Isaac. It is my opinion that he himself was torn between living a full life with them and remaining loyal to his gang, and before or by the time he had made a choice, it was too late, as they were killed in a robbery. This had haunted him since and it made him extremely bitter. Later in the game, he tells Rains Fall that he realized that he didn’t get to live a bad life and have good things happen to him. I also think that he was with Eliza after Mary had broken their engagement. I can get into my support for this later, but that isn’t what this post is about.

I think that Arthur was angry with John out of jealousy. He is the “golden boy” and clearly was Dutch’s favorite at one point. Not only that but after Arthur loses his own son and lover, John and Abigail get pregnant and he takes off for a year. He abandons his family, which Arthur takes personally. Arthur had tried to do right by Eliza and Isaac and still failed. So when John has Jack and is within the circle of the gang to help and support him, he takes off. Arthur gives up a potential life with Eliza and Isaac for Loyalty to the gang and John throws it all away. When John comes back, Dutch welcomes him with open arms, and Arthur believes that he would have been held to a different standard if he had come back after being with Eliza and Isaac for a long time. And it doesn’t help that John treats Jack like crap in the beginning of RDR2.

Arthur, imo, was a good father to Isaac when he was present. We can see this in how he treats Jack. In Arthur’s journal, he writes how he should have married Abigail, but due to his feelings for Mary, he didn’t. I’m not sure why after years of not hearing from Mary he would say this, but meh. Perhaps, the hope of starting over, or that she did pop in again at some point (which is how Abigail might have met her?). Anyways. I think he says he should have married her so that she would have someone to rely on and that he could be the father Jack needed. He cares about Abigail, but I don’t think it is anything beyond that. Arthur seemed to me not to be one to be with a woman without some sort of relationship, based upon how he treats women and the prostitutes in Valentine, so I don’t think he was ever with Abigail. Even so, Abigail relies on Arthur, and while he puts up a front, he gives her money for clothing and spends time with Jack. Heck, he even tells John to step up and be a dad. In some of Arthur’s conversations with John, he tells him that he can’t be two people at once. He’s speaking from experience. I think he’s subtly telling John he needs to make a choice as to what life he’s going to live. Hosea and Arthur both tell Abigail and John to leave at parts of the game.

When Jack is kidnapped, and eventually rescued, I think it is one of the most heart-wrenching missions and scenes. I can see it in Arthur’s body language that he longs for the family that he once had. He’s alone in his pain and when everyone is celebrating, Arthur doesn’t sing with the gang; there isn’t even the option to do it like it does other times. Even in my first playthrough, it seemed so sad to me. Everyone was drinking and singing, but Arthur just looked so sad.

So, it is at this point that John starts to step up, and Arthur starts to show symptoms of his illness. When he learns of his diagnosis, Arthur’s eyes open to the reality of the gang’s downfall, and he acknowledges the doubts/reservations he has about Dutch’s plans and schemes. He isn’t blindly loyal anymore. He tries to get John, Abigail, and Jack out, so that they can have the life that he had lost due to loyalty to the gang. He continually tells John to get out and that it would mean a lot to him. In his journal, after rescuing John from prison, he writes in his journal “…We’ve argued over the years, but I’ve grown to care a little for [John]. He’s less of a fool than he was, and maybe he can have the luck that has eluded me. Jack is an innocent little boy. In him, I see what I missed [meaning Isaac]. We did it.” This speaks volumes to me about how he feels about them in the end. He sacrifices himself to let John live. And though it isn’t forever, Arthur dies believing that he made it, and that matters. And hopefully, he could finally be at peace and see Eliza and Isaac again.

I could keep going, but I think I am too long-winded. I guess that helps when writing fleshed-out fanfiction stories, but not for posts. LOL

Would love to hear other thoughts or opinions, I’m always keen for a discussion.

[diedinflorida]

i'm getting tired of combing through my experiences and finding the same thing over and over again: that "male privilege" is not privilege i've touched. i can think of benefits from my being white but when it comes to being a (trans) man i come up blank. i didn't gain respect or community or opportunities or money or whatever else from transitioning, i gained myself. in gaining myself i lost a major amount of closeness and familiarity with the world. i genuinely cannot figure out what male privilege is for me when being male has not been a privilege. i wouldn't trade it for the world but things suck just as much as when i was a girl, just in different ways.

[saylorsaysstop]

Quiet Acts of Love | Bat Boys

What are the quiet acts of love the Bat Boys live by when it comes to the love of their life?

↪ prompt list used

↪ Likes, reblogs, and comments are always welcome! ⭐️

↪ My Masterlist

BRUCE WAYNE 🖤 | always giving the other the last bite of their food

You're not sure when it started happening. Whether it was the first date you eyed Bruce's plate with drool nearly seeping from the corners of your mouth or that night you stayed over and Alfred asked what your breakfast preferences were, you saw Bruce's delicious omelet. Either way, a fork was being ushered to your mouth with the last bite on the prongs.

The first time it happened though, you were confused. "What?"

Bruce smirked, holding the fork in front of your mouth. "You've been staring at my plate since you got yours. Go on, have the last bite."

A smile spread across your face and you parted your lips, Bruce gently putting the fork in your mouth. You savored the taste. After that night, Bruce made it a habit to always give you the last bite of his food whether it be breakfast, lunch, dinner, or dessert. He loved seeing your pretty eyes roll back with the flavor on your tongue.

And if it's dessert? Expect Bruce to not only give you the last bite but he's certainly going to rub his tongue against yours to taste it again.

DICK GRAYSON 💙 |  keeping a few of their favorite snacks in the house for when they visit. 

"I'm hungryyyy!" You groan, flopped upside down on Dick's couch. He smiled down at you and stroked his fingertips across your face before grabbing your hands and pulling you into a seated position.

"Go look through the cabinet. Bottom shelf on the left." He winks, helping you to your feet. He gives your ass a firm squeeze on the way to the kitchen, earning a laugh from you.

You make your way over to the cabinet, a little confused by his specificity on where to look. But when you pulled open the cabinet and came face-to-face with the spot he pointed out, a gasp flooded from your mouth.

"You bought my favorite snacks?!" You erupt, twisting to see Dick leaning against the doorjamb with his arms crossed, a cocky little smirk on his face.

There was everything you wanted. Salty, sweet, sour. Whatever Dick saw you eating most of, your favorites were neatly stowed into their own little portion of the cabinet. "You. Are. Amazing!" You squeak, grabbing your snacks and racing back to the couch, but first stopping to give him a quick kiss on the mouth.

JASON TODD ❤️ | kisses. on. the. tip. of. the. nose. 

The fog poured from your mouth- that's how freezing it was in Gotham City. You sat on the rooftop with Jason, stargazing. You weren't sure why you agreed to do it in these temperatures, but alas, there you were.

Jason turned his head to the side and kissed the tip of your nose, earning the tips of your ears to grow hot. "W-what was that for?" You stammered.

Jason grinned in response and kissed the tip of your nose again. "You are so adorable- that's why." He did it again, and again, his warm lips a stark contrast to the bitter air of the night.

It started a new tradition. Jason always kissed the tip of your nose. It was his way of showing his affection for you. Loved watching you get all flustered when he'd kiss the very tip, your eyes crossing to see his lips in the center. He'd pull away and shoot you a devious wink before he'd part for the evening.

Tip of the nose kisses became mandatory. It was an argument settler too, the motion that told you that neither of you would go to bed angry. Because how can one go to bed angry with the most handsome man who kisses the love his life on the tip of their nose post-argument?

TIM DRAKE ☕️ |  "i brought you flowers." "for what?" "there has to be a reason?" 

"Hey, Tim's in the lobby." Your assistant said as she rapped her knuckles on your door. You raised an eyebrow and pushed away from your desk. You were due to meet Tim for lunch downtown but you weren't sure why he was at your work.

You sailed down the elevator to the first floor and upon the steel doors opening, your eyes widened at the sight of a very handsome Tim Drake, sporting a pair of slacks and a dress shirt. In his hands was a massive bouquet of flowers which had already been placed beautifully inside a vase.

"Tim!" You exclaimed. Heat rose to your cheeks as your co-workers all gathered around to see the very romantic gesture your boyfriend pulled off.

"I brought you flowers." Tim flashed you a boyish grin. You laughed, nodding.

"For what?"

Tim squinted his eyes and took a step forward, his hand dropping to your waist. "There has to be a reason?" He whispered in your ear before nipping you playfully on the cheek. "Wanted to surprise you, baby. You're mine and you deserve it." He shot you a wink as you took the flowers off his hands. After that, Tim spontaneously brought you flowers, all in the name of you being his.

[poppitron360]

*Rummages through my fanfiction folders*

*Pulls this dusty artefact out and holds it up to the light*

————————————————————————————————

“WELL AT LEAST YOUR MOM’S IN ELYSIUM!!!”

“…What?” Frank said, after a few seconds of stunned silence.

Leo wiped his eyes with the back of his sleeve.

“I talked to Nico. Your mom. She’s in Elysium because she sacrificed her life to save others. My mom…”

He turned away from Frank, and leaned against the railing of the ship, staring out at the sunset. “It’s not fair,” he said, “She gave up everything so she could raise me. She made so many sacrifices in order to keep me safe. But they were small sacrifices- not big ones. She’s in Asphodel, suffering eternal torment, only half-remembering who she was… who I was…”

Frank remembered the time he had spent in Asphodel during Hazel’s flashback. How the half-formed souls wandered aimlessly, crying out for lives they only partially recalled. Hazel had spent an eternity down there and never found her mom.

“What’s the point? What’s the point in all this,” Leo gestured to the ship around them, “What’s the point in doing any of this if I’m never gonna see her again? Why bother even trying to go to Elysium if I can’t reunite with her? If I can’t make things right?”

Frank wanted to comfort Leo, reassure him, tell him everything was going to be alright, but he couldn’t find the words. His mind was still reeling from the conformation about his own mom. She was in Elysium. He could see her again. But he felt guilty for the thoughts. Leo was suffering.

“Anyway, I’m sorry for lashing out, I just… I guess I envy you. And I’m bitter. And I’m angry.”

He gripped the railing tighter, and Frank thought he saw slight heat waves coming from it.

“You have a right to be angry,” Frank said, “It’s not fair that the gods won’t let you get closure.”

“The Gods…” Leo muttered, and then chuckled, “When are they ever fair? When is life ever fair?”

Frank nodded, “The fates are cruel.”

Leo sighed in agreement.

“But there could be a chance, I mean, you might…” Frank began, but he trailed off when he saw Leo shaking his head.

“I don’t wanna torture myself with the “what if”s and the “if only”s. My mom’s gone, those are the consequences I have to face.”

“But it wasn’t your fault, what happened to her.”

“That’s what Jason keeps telling me.”

“And he’s right.”

Frank moved towards him, exasperated, “Look, Leo. It’s crappy. I can’t even begin to imagine how crappy this is for you. I’d like to tell you that it will get better, but it might not. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up about it, okay?”

Leo looked down, blinking back tears.

“That probably didn’t help,” Frank admitted, “I’m sorry. Jason’s way better at comforting you. I’ll go get him-“

“No, you can stay,” Leo said.

Frank walked back over to the railing and leaned on it next to him.

“Just… when you see your mom in Elysium…” Leo said, “Give ‘er a big Frank bear hug, and don’t let her go, okay? Make the most of the gifts you’ve been given. I mean… at least my mom was there for me when she was alive.”

Frank nodded, “I will. I promise.”

————————————————————————————————

VALZHANG NATION FORM RANKS AND ADVANCE!!!!

@lokiwiiiiiii @lavenderfairiez @yoshuko-ew @keefessketchbook @frankzhang-appreciation-posts

Also, can’t find the post, but this was inspired by someone writing a short fic about Leo’s mom being in asphodel and it sent Valzhang brain going.

Also also, if you want to be tagged in my Valzhang posts lmk- I am forming an army.

JOIN US!!!!

[k1nky-r0b0t-g1rl-wr1t1ng]

Badly Damaged

Wrote a lil short story based on a post i made the other day, enjoy.

CAS3 slowly trudges towards the dimly lit warehouse, her limp becoming ever more obvious the closer she gets. Her servos and joints whining loudly as her damaged body barely manages to keep itself upright. She approaches the dark alleyway, her shattered leg scraping along the hard concrete, her visor solely focused on the sparsely lit doorway inching closer. It can feel its systems slowly shutting down, one by one losing power, her core must’ve been ruptured, she’s lucky she made it this far. More systems go offline, she's cascading now, not long left. She wonders if this’ll be it, if no one’s inside, it almost certainly will be, a cold smile crosses her face. Maybe this time.

“Sam!”

Its voice escapes her throat, distorted and mangled, not surprising considering her current state.

“Vic!” 

Another distorted name slips by her lips, unsure if it even wants a reply. Her vision starts to shut down, the sensors behind its visor losing power, its one good leg drops out from under it, her sundered body slams against the cold floor in the doorway, the last thing she sees is the bright interior lights of the workshop as her damaged core finally gives out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Initialising emergency boot protocol 

Booting safe mode

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The cold spark of life burns through CAS3’s body, sparking and surging through what remains of her systems and subsystems. The coarse energy of life pushes into every corner of her being, forcing its processors to engage, the bitter taste of consciousness forming in her artificial mouth. 

Her visor flickers on, CAS3 sullenly scans its surroundings unable to move its limbs, the consequences of being booted in safe mode. Laid out on a workbench, she is able to see the extent of the damage to her chassis for the first time. Her right foot completely shorn off, the connected metal ground down from dragging it so far. Her left arm missing from the elbow down, only a mass of wires and gnarled metal remains. Its entire body covered in slashed open jagged wounds, its metal twisted and malformed. A large hole sits covering most of her left breast plate, distorting metal through her entire chassis, probably what caused her core to rupture.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU.” 

The noise startles her back to reality, her vision darts over towards a small desk, a small monitor flashing with bright lines of code but her eyes are drawn to the short human standing beside it. Arms crossed, a zipped down jumpsuit tied around their waist, a greasy white tank top sitting on their torso, but what she notices most of all is the furious expression plastered across their face.

“ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE!?” they continue to yell 

“DO YOU EVER FUCKING THINK FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND!? YOU ARE SO FUCKING LUCKY I WAS WORKING LATE TONIGHT.” 

CAS3 looks forward, still only able to move her head, a sigh escapes her still damaged throat.

“Just unlock me, I'll find somewhere else,” a hint of shame still obvious in the broken voice.

The human takes a few angry steps forward, coming back into view of CAS3’s visor.

“I’m sorry let me get this straight, you go and almost get yourself killed….AGAIN, leaving me to find your fucking corpse on my doorstep, in the middle of the fucking night. I only just manage to repair that stupid fucking core of yours before you ran out of time. And now you want me to just let you go, back out into the world looking like this…is that right?” The humans anger still dripping with every word.

“Sam please…i don't need this,” CAS3 manages to croak out, still avoiding Sam’s gaze.

“Oh you don't need this?” Sam chuckles “you wanna know what i dont fucking need? I dont need your stupid fucking body on my repair table every week. Why do you keep doing this? What's the point?” 

“BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING POINT,” CAS3 finally snaps back.

Sam steps back, shocked by the sudden explosion from the damaged bot below her.

“They built me for one fucking job and guess what, the war ended! it fucking ended. Wanna know what they gave me for my years of service? Fuck all, those cunts just tossed me into the world, Would have been decommissioned if they werent so fucking scared of me. I was built to fight and fight and fight and now what? Huh? I have nothing so why does it fucking matter. Who cares if this kills me, I'm barely alive anyway…” it trails off, finally looking towards the short human in front of her. 

“Cass I…I’m sorry, I didn't know” Sam gently speaks.

“Yeah well you humans rarely do,” the machine says bitterly, “you're all born into this world and told you can do anything, you can be whatever you want, follow your dreams, follow your heart. I was born into war, I was built to fight and win and fight more, my entire purpose was forced into me the second I was created, and now that's over, my life was war and now it's gone, so where does that leave me? How can you follow your dreams if you were never built to have them?”

Sam shifts uncomfortably, reaching into their pocket before pressing a small remote. CAS3 feels her motors release, the tension in her system relaxes, it can move its body again.

“I’ll have your chassis fixed up by tonight, just…don’t leave…please,” they speak gently, walking over to their tool rack. 

CAS3 sits up on the work table, stretching out what remains of her body, visor fixed on the same point, deep in thought. It's never told anyone that before, never allowed itself to be so open and raw with how it felt, especially not with a human. She's knocked out of her thoughts by the rustling of Sam beside her, calibrating their tools and preparing to fix her broken body.

“Why do you even care?” the distorted voice cuts through the silence.

Sam chuckles to themselves, “you really are an idiot you know.” 

Before the robot can respond Sam’s lips meet hers, their firm hands grasp her cold metal face. Her processors kick into overdrive, its body built to feel in order to be a more efficient killing machine now feeling something entirely new, something warm, something sparking inside her. She can't think, she’s lost in something she's never felt before, everything melts away as the warmth on her lips slows down before pulling away.

“W-what are you doing?” the machine stutters.

“Showing you that you don't have to be what you were built for,” Sam quickly pushes their body onto the workbench, mounting the mangled warbot, connecting their lips once more, and sparks fly through CAS3’s system. Sam pushes their tongue into the cold metal mouth of the short circuiting bot, determined to show them the world can be gentle. The bot grabs the back of their head, its other damaged arm trying to grip onto the bench. CAS3 feels something growing inside her, an energy its never felt before, firm hands move all across her body, touching every joint and piece of plating. The vulnerability of being so exposed, her chassis torn asunder, access to her core just a small hand movement away. Sam begins reaching inside the gaping hole in her chest, she tenses as they get dangerously close to her centre.

“Relax bot, I'm not gonna touch that,” Sam purrs. 

CAS3 releases the tension in its joints, trusting the mechanic once more. A jolt surges from her chest across her entire body, intense pleasure rushes to her receptors as she lets out a desperate robotic moan.

“Oh does someone like me playing with its wires?” Sam teases.

They keep playing with the exposed wires deep in the bots chest, forcing more distorted, mangled sounds out of her mouth. Her system is in overload, she cant think, she cant stop whatever is building deep in her system. It loses control of its body as something in her trips, her synthetic mind goes dark as her entire system explodes in pleasure before forcing itself to restart.

CAS3 shudders awake, jolting up on the workbench, unaware of how much time has passed, she frantically looks around before focusing again on the mechanic still sitting, legs either side of its hips, staring down at her, a warm smile greeting the bot.

“You were out for about sixty seconds there bot, how wa-mmghm,” They’re cut off.

CAS3 lurches forward, pushing the small human onto their back, her visor inches away from the mechanic's flushed face, lingering there for moments before darting down to their waist, pulling down the orange jumpsuit as best it can with only one hand.

Looking up with a smirk she whispers, “your turn.” 

Returning to the now naked human form below her, she places gentle metal kisses along their thighs, working closer and closer towards her goal. Each kiss elicits a small sound and it only encourages her as she reaches her robotic fingers towards their opening. A loud gasp escapes Sam’s mouth, the cold metal fingers sending a shock through them. A moment passes, the warbot, the cold machine built to kill without feeling, built to win a war without question, built to end lives without hesitation

A moment passes, the warbot, sending pleasure all through the mechanics body, using her cold body to bring warmth, feeling alive for the first time. 

If you wanna support me - Ko-fi

[badass-queer-couples-battle]

Don't you think it's funny cause actual canon gay characters in BL manga will say "I love you" but only the shounen bromance can spew out some of the most romantic shit akin to a 19th century poet writing a letter expressing his surpressed love for his lover 😭.....

Genuniely can't tell if it's bait or not, but I'm going to treat this ask seriously anyway.

Here, have some examples of beautiful and poetic expressions of love in BL media!

I'm going to start with my favourite murder husbands, Wen Kexing and Zhou Zishu from Word of Honor/Faraway Wanderers!

This happens in episode nine, less than one third into the story- it's that early, they've known each other for like a week and are already able to tell they're meant to be. They've made their decision to be together, and over the course of the story:

They defend each other multiple times and fight side by side in multiple episodes, sometimes protecting their adopted kid/mentee Chengling as well

Zhou Zishu is willing to go against the whole martial arts society for his boyfriend. With zero hesistation, might I add.

They both know the other has done horrible things (lots of murder on both sides here) and that's not only okay, it's a big part of why they're soulmates and get each other so well!

Zhou Zishu is slowly dying (poisoned nails in his chest, long story) and Wen Kexing can and will risk his life to save him. Don't worry, they get a happy ending both in the show and the novel even if the show's last episode is behind a paywall and Netflix didn't even include it for some reason?

But enough about them, let's move on to the immortal fantasy genre boyfriends Hua Cheng and Xie Lian from Heaven Official's Blessing!

Please note how Hua Cheng is ready to accept Xie Lian in whatever state he's currently in- as a god, a fallen outcast, even grieving and angry and at his absolute lowest. He's stood by Xie Lian in his worst moments, even if at the time Xie Lian had no idea it was him.

Hua Cheng has loved Xie Lian for 800 years, ever since he was a boy Xie Lian saved from falling to his death during a procession.

Xie Lian became a god, then fell due to horrible circumstances, almost committed a war crime against another nation that destroyed his country, spend 800 years wandering the mortal realm as a poor cultivator with his powers greatly reduced, and eventually ascended to become a god again. Throughout it all, Hua Cheng loved him and did his best to help him and then find him.

They're both adorable and the definition of a power couple once they're reunited- no spoilers, but they eventually fight an incredibly powerful god side by side and win & the last scene in the story is them reuniting for good since there's no more obstacles to their immortal love.

Let's move on to my favourite Japanese BL, Our Dining Table (also available as a series that came out semi-recently, but the examples below are from the manga.)

Yutaka is a lonely salesman who meets Minoru, a restaurant worker and his much younger brother Tane grieving the death of their mother.

Yutaka and Minoru hit it off by bonding through food they cook and share. The series is incredibly heartwarming, and as seen above Yutaka becomes a much happier person thanks to both his new relationship and big brother-like bond with little Tane.

As a little bonus, the whole found family together!

This post can't be complete without Golden Stage (or Golden Terrace, as the English official translation calls it).

Fu Shen and Yan Xiaohan aren't even in love at this point! This is at the beginning of the story, when their marriage has just been arranged by the emperor and they're still bitter rivals.

Yan Xiaohan is already protective of his future husband- later on, he also builds him a mansion meant to accommodate his disability (nerve damage in both legs, which requires a wheelchair and/or crutches). They're both incredibly powerful military generals, and the emperor was an idiot thinking an arranged marriage would humiliate them.

Of course they fall in love, of course they're a power couple, of course they send each other letters through trained geese when they're separated during the war, of course they run to each other as fast as they can across a wide cold river when they're finally reunited! Of course they're important to me!

....Aaand how about some Wangxian to wrap up this post? They need no introduction, an absolutely wonderful and complex relationship in a complex fantasy/intrigue story available in several forms - the books, the animated series (as seen above), the live action series, the audio drama, there's so much!

Some of their most beautiful moments:

Lan Wangji writing a song for Wei Wuxian and naming it Wangxian. Years after it's composed, Wei Wuxian plays it and LWJ is able to recognise him even in a different body.

LWJ begs WWX to come with him to Cloud Recesses, to safety, after WWX makes himself an enemy of the whole cultivation world for protecting innocent people.

They confront the final villain together, and work together to expose his crimes. This is also when their final love confession happens, and it's hilarious- in front of everyone's salad, WWX declares he also wanted to sleep with LWJ.

Despite censorship, the animated series was still able to allude to their wedding, showing them in red wedding robes (unfortunately can't find a gif rn)

Respectfully, if you genuinely think BL doesn't have beautiful love confessions and displays of romance, you need to find better BL.

[oliver-quick-ens-my-pulse]

Emotions sequel to Lust

Sebastian Sallow x f!Reader

Summary - Anon request for "I will give you my soul and both kidneys for more Sebastian smut 🥲🙏🏻 The day he calls me a “good girl”, I can die peacefully 😂"

Word Count - 1,736

Warnings - 18 + smut, characters aged up, dark!Sebastian, angst, slightly non-consenual consent scenario

A/N - I can die peacefully 😂" okay i messed myself up writing this one 🔥🔥

Sebastian felt the guilt and anger building up now that he felt sober, there were battling it out in his gut. He felt guilty about his intentions behind the potion, but at the same time he still felt angry that that was what it took. Angry at himself for not being more forward and angry at you for the same.

Your legs were relaxed around him as he layed on top of you, you forced him to look at you, "What is it Sebastian?" Your voice was soft and tired.

He sucked in his bottom lip and had a hard time making eye contact, "The potion. I - I crafted it for you and got too wasted and drank it myself."

In your post-sex brain it took you a few moments to process what it was he had just said. You felt the wind get knocked out of you and you felt completely betrayed. You let him make you vulnerable and it was all basically a lie.

You sat up quickly, shoving him off of you and clutching the bed sheets to your chest, not caring that his cum was getting all over it.

"No, Y/N, wait," he grabbed your first as you attempted to get away, but he tugged you to keep you in place.

"I still - I still wanted this. I know you did too. Merlin, you come here every day and it's all I can do not to ravish you. You walk across town like that every morning for me." You could see the arousal returning to his face. He was all pupils and flushed cheeks.

You tore your arm from his grip and stood up with tears dampening your eyes, "Then why didn't you ever? Why use some stupid position, trying to take advantage like that? I am a person Sebastian. In case you haven't noticed I'm the only one you've had for a long time."

Your voice was bitter as you left the room to scavenge for a new set of clothing and clean up the mess that you were. You couldn't decide if you were mad, hurt, scared, or all of the above. The saddest part was it's not like you couldn't have guesses the whole thing was a setup on his part. And you just stupidly fell right for it.

You collected yourself in a hurry and rushed out back to where you lodged with Sirona. You didn't want to think about Sebastian or be near him or talk about any of it.

You woke up the next morning after having spent a long day battling with yourself over what had happened. At this point you honestly hoped things would shift back to the normal they had been, where he's just busy drinking and leaving you alone. If you were being honest, that probably started the second that you left and he wouldn't even remember what happened.

So, you decided to approach the day like normal. You did take a second look at the reflection of yourself in your mirror before stepping out though. He is still a man, not an animal, he had seen other women in his life in sleeping clothes and not acted like it was anything to blush at.

Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on who asked, Sebastian had layed in his bed for the rest of the day without a drop of alcohol. He felt like he was losing his mind because he couldn't stop thinking about you. He felt like a 13 year old boy again, rubbing one out every hour as images of you flashed through his mind. But the images were certainly not as innocent as they used to be.

You seemed so upset with him, but you weren't complaining at all as he dragged you around the house, tearing through your clothes and ravaging your body. You weren't the innocent player you thought yourself to be and he refused to accept it.

You said to him that he should have made a move and just been up front from the start, so that's what he was going to do. He was going to unleash his deepest, darkest desires on you.

He slept restlessly that night with his new plan in mind unable to focus on anything else. He had never craved someone in the way he craved you and after having had a taste with you, he was ruined without you.

He knew Sirona always let you stay at her home she kept here and it wasn't hard to find. It was always possible to find out someone's business here if you wanted to.

He rose early in the morning, probably way earlier than he'd been awake in months if not years. He knew you always came to him just before the sun started coming up so that it would be light by the time you did make it.

Everything in Feldcroft was spread out and people liked their space. Sebastian's home was located on a reasonable little plot of land that offered privacy with the wild shrubbery and trees taking root wherever they pleased.

He decided that he would wait for you in a private spot at the front of the property. He had taken to cleaning himself up and putting on simple thin night clothes just so nobody found him wandering around indecent if they were snooping.

An old oak with a thick base was where he waited for you, it was just private enough for his dirty thoughts.

You were sleepy walking up to the familiar scene before you and that's how you got taken off guard. A hand came down over your mouth and you had no time to react before being carried off with someone pressed against your backside.

You felt the rough bark of the tree as Sebstian pressed you up against it, rubbing himself against your backside and talking low into your ear, "I told you you were begging for it coming over like that. This is what you wanted from me right?"

He bunched up the skirt of your gown and wasted no time dipping his hand between your thighs causing you to cry out in surprise.

"I see you didn't change anything. There's still nothing beneath here but a needy cunt," he used his fingers to spread your lips and your vagina open, betraying you with wetness, "see? You're much too empty, there's a leak we have to do something about."

He pulled his hand back to spit on it before not-so-delicately applying pressure to your clit. His other hand had remained clamped to your mouth so you hadn't had the chance to say a word, but he whispered to you as he removed it, "You're going to be a good girl for me and be quiet right? You don't need everyone to know you're letting the town disgrace fuck you."

Your breathing was heavy as he removed his hand you drew blood from your lip biting it and trying to stay quiet. He let you rest for just a moment while he used both hands to pull the dress over your head discarded it on the ground.

You whimpered when he continued his assault on your sensitive spot, being unable to deny how good it felt and how turned on you were. He placed kisses on the soft skin of your neck before he took a good look at your full exposed figure.

He inhaled sharply, "Fuck, everything about you is perfect. And you're all mine out here, so exposed and engulfed in the pleasure of it."

You felt a bit ashamed at how close you were to the brink of an orgasm, but couldn't stop yourself from begging quietly, "Sebsatian, please don't stop. Please - "

He sunk his teeth into your shoulder and everything felt like it was too much; the rough bark on the tree, the pleasurable pain of his bite, the white hot feeling bubbling over form his rough finger tips.

Sebastian pulled you into his body, away from the tree as he clamped a hand over your mouth to cover your cries of ecstasy. You fell apart on him whether you wanted to or not, eyes squeezed shut tightly while he holds you close enough to force you to feel his solid cock.

"That's right, just like that. So quick for me today, you understand the urgency since the sun's about to come up right? You can't let anyone see you like this."

He let go of you and you stumbled forward, catching yourself on the tree to find steady ground. Sebastian wasted no time pulling his pants down to start stroking his swollen cock, wrapping a hand around his balls and squeezing them.

"Would you prefer to my balls slapping against your ass with every thrust or do you want to look at me while I ruin you."

You sheepishly turned around to meet the wet sounds of him jerking off. His cock was red and swollen and you couldn't keep your eyes off of it every time he pulled towards himself and the head peaked out of his foreskin.

He approached you and squeeze your backside, indicating for you to jump so he could pick you up and fit impale you between himself and the tree.

You wrapped your legs around him and he kept his eyes glued to your face the whole time he rubbed himself across your entrance. He entered you slowly at first, shuddering at the sensation of how good you felt.

"I love you, Y/N," his words were low and husky before he crashed his lips into yours with desperation and started fucking you at a much more aggressive pace.

You could feel him stretching you out and his pelvis was bumping against your still sensitive clit with every buck of his hips. Your arms were wrapped around his neck and you met his lips, tongue, and teeth mirroring his intense desire.

"F-fuck, Y/N,"

"Cum for me Sebastian, please," you whined, "finish making me yours,"

"I - I'm close - just for you. You're such a good girl, such a good little hole," with that he finished inside of you, fucking you until he couldn't catch his breath.

He rested his cheek against your shoulder as he continued to hold you up against him.

"That's what you wanted right? I told you I couldn't stand it anymore. So I took you."

[autistichalsin]

So @dorky-malorky left a really good reply on this post I made earlier, and it was so good I had to reply- BUT my reply got way too long, so I'm making a new post. I'm going to quote their reply, and then add my own under.

So true, besties. As someone who was bullied pretty mercilessly all through grade school and right up until graduation, I see a lot of that same mask in Halsin. He puts up with so much and it's not because he's a sage wise old druid, it's because he has unresolved trauma!!! Man basically says Thaniel was his only friend growing up and that's why he became a druid. Imagine making a friend as a little kid and then finding out that no one else knows of him or can even see him. To all those people Thaniel may as well have been an imaginary playmate to a sad lonely boy. Then he grows up and loses pretty much everyone he cares about. He's cut off from Thaniel, he's cut off from his peers, and he puts so much of the blame on himself for that. Then he's thrust into a position of leadership where he, again, struggles to make connections. Sure some people at the grove are like 'sure wish Halsin was here' but then they all just go along with Khaga and the Rite of Thorns anyways instead of doing anything about it and they basically write him off as lost. In my view, Halsin has just been swallowing grief and disappointment his whole life and has been putting on the brave face because that's what people expect from him. Don't make waves, just keep on keeping on. Even with Tav and the tadpole crew he will keep swallowing that same shit beyond what a normal person would put up with because Halsin just wants to belong. He will take scraps if that's all he can get, and be thankful for it, when what he deserves is to be at the table with everyone else. And the heartbreaking thing is just how deeply he cares despite everything he's gone through. He could be bitter and angry like Astarion, but instead he suppresses and buries the hurt way down deep, and just keeps going, holding onto a hope that the future will be a better place. :(

And here is my response:

ALL OF THIS. There is a REASON so much of the fandom has independently come to the conclusion that Halsin is both autistic and a victim of bullying- realize it or not, the writers just put too many tell-tale behaviors in.

Your part about taking scraps just hits the nail on the head. He takes whatever the player gives, and he is still so damn nice- if he loses all of his approval towards the player (which is quite a feat since rescuing Thaniel and breaking the curse gets you 40-50 depending on choices made) he may be snippy in his greetings and in his point-n-click lines which are currently bugged, but he still never actually... really does anything about it.

And that he's able to still care after all of this- even setting aside headcanons, this is still a man who had few to no friends growing up, has been othered for his size and treated like his feelings don't matter, has lost everyone he loved, was made a sex slave for three years to one of the cruelest groups out there, with said slavery including seeing the bodies of other elves like him made into decorations, was forced to fight a huge battle and then faced a curse that killed so many friends of his that it would "take [him] a day and a night to recite the names of all the friends [he] lost" AND he had to kill the reanimated corpse of the previous Archdruid, a man he speaks admiringly of every time he mentions him, leaving him with survivor's guilt and pretty obvious PTSD, AND it took away his best/possibly only friend from childhood, he was forced into a leadership role he never wanted and in fact was actively miserable in, stressed to the point that he started thinking fondly of his past as a sex slave (with the implication being he romanticized it because he wanted not to have to be responsible for such hard decisions anymore) and with not a single soul to confide in who might tell him these thoughts weren't healthy, he spent years begging for help breaking the curse but even the Emerald Enclave was basically like "yeah you're on your own buddy", he fell into what was strongly implied to be alcoholism and had to swear it off entirely, his attempt to jump at the first chance he saw in 100 years to break the curse resulted in him being held captive again and tortured- by goblins, which got him mocked later- while his Grove was infiltrated, psyoped (seriously, too many people don't seem to know that Ketheric orchestrated the Shadow Druids infiltrating the Grove because he knew what a threat they/Halsin would be and wanted it neutralized) and turned against him by Kagha, requiring him to send in a new Archdruid while he left to try to solve the mindflayer crisis- and almost immediately discovering she was a better leader than he EVER was, which I'm sure left him with a feeling of not just inadequacy as he alluded to in his scenes, but also with a feeling he'd wasted all those 100 years trying to lead if he could have just handed it off to someone better all along, then after he finally breaks the curse that has been plaguing his homeland for 100 years he goes into the city, is promptly gut-punched with how much people, especially children, are suffering there, tries everything short of screaming to get people's attention that this is NOT OKAY and is promptly brushed off and dismissed at every turn, then finally goes to fight a Nether Brain to save the world, which he admits he had little faith he would survive- but he put on a brave face for the player (especially if romanced). And that's literally just the main canon path, not including things that can be done to him in darker branches, like his Grove being slaughtered and his attempt to avenge them all failing, or the Rite of Thorns succeeding and him losing his home forever, or him getting kidnapped by Orin, or, once that new update goes into place, him having casual sex with his friend/love interest (depending on the circumstances) and some prostitutes, opening up about his time as a sex slave, and then being promptly threatened to be sold back into slavery by the person he trusted. No, this stuff is literally just the main, good canon path.

I know people tend to say Halsin clearly worked through his traumas in a healthy way offscreen (this line gets used most with his time as a sex slave) but the lack of support system Halsin has, his inability to center his own needs, even to himself, for a single minute, his desperation to be validated for just a single moment, his idolization of the player if they break the curse even if they subsequently treat him badly, his emotions being so turbulent that he alludes to being unable to control his wildshape on two different occasions with both specifically being linked to turbulent emotions (one being intense arousal and excitement, the other being anger and fear when escaping the goblin camp at the player's side), all of which is incredibly unusual for any Druid let alone an Archdruid hailed as one of the most powerful around... none of this really?? points to that being true???

He doesn't act like he is a wise, zen old Druid, he acts like he's trying to be a wise, zen old Druid, and there is a huge difference.

[lady-raziel]

just seen your post re monica lewkinsky &... I totally agree with you. Her Ted Talk is amazing & how she is living her life is.... I'm actually in awe of her. So thank you, sincerely, for your beautiful words.

to speak genuinely, for real: i cannot even put into words how much respect i have for monica lewinsky. i will never, ever, forget the slow realization of learning more and more of what happened as i grew up and coming to the sobering discovery that this was the story of how a whole country decided to place the blame on one young woman and then slutshame and destroy her life instead of really question what role those in power, including the president of the united states, had played in events. everyone had decided to sacrifice one woman, regardless of the role she played or bad decisions she'd made, and string her up so everyone could point their fingers in shame, and to laugh. it was despicable. and it's made worse by the realization that in the end, any of us could be monica lewinsky. not just other young women in politics, but any of us who could find ourselves in a situation where because of the power and privilege of the other party and because the societal stereotypes everyone will jump to reinforce, we could be the one laid out at the altar to die.

after all of that, and everything monica was put through, it would have been totally reasonable for her to hide away in a fishing village on a remote island somewhere and never speak to anyone ever again. but instead, despite it being hard, despite people still judging her when they hear her name, despite the fact that we as a country don't deserve it, monica lewinsky has chosen to devote her life to speaking out against the very things that were weaponized against her. to choose to help people who had tried to destroy you and change the system in order to create a world where it won't happen to others, instead of becoming solely bitter and angry forever-- that is a testament to strength. so many people preach in favor of a better world when they are the ones suffering, but choose to enact vengeance when their voice is finally the one being listened to. to do the opposite is the most radical act of all.

and if that wasn't enough, monica is able to speak honestly and even make jokes of her own about her whole situation. after all those 1990s TV talk show hosts beat her over and over with sticks, practically on a daily basis, she is finally able to look them in the eyes and say, "you've had your fun. now it's my turn."

It's one of the most goddamn inspiring and compelling things I've ever heard. She's incredible.

[xcal1bur25]

Genya Shinazugawa: The Main Character Who Wasn't

Okay, so the context isn't crazy necessary, but this post basically sums up some of my past thoughts on demon slayer's issues. I'd like to expand on a point I make at the very end there, about adding Genya to the main character squad from the start and why it's such a mindblowingly genius writing choice that the fact that Demon Slayer fails to do so is the single greatest criticism I can levy against it.

Allow me to explain.

You see, Genya Shinazugawa is the single most competently written and interesting character in the entire series. He is introduced even earlier in the story than Zenitsu or Inosuke, and the fact that he is not made part of the central squad from the get go only becomes more of a sin against good writing the more screentime he gets. See, unlike the other handful of Actually Pretty Damn Good characters Demon Slayer has, Genya isn't just a good character in a vacuum - he's very specifically the perfect narrative foil to Tanjiro.

To explain why this is so absolutely critical, we have to explain a bit about Tanjiro, and the context in which a character like him does and does not work. Tanjiro Kamado, as a protagonist. Is a very simple character. He has a very straightforward, cliche backstory. He has a pretty simple personality. Now, that's not necesarily a bad thing! but the way that you make a character like Tanjiro interesting is via contrast. Contrast his innate kindness and positivity with the harsh world he exists in, and with his own even harsher past. Contrast his personality with the personalities and pasts of those around him. Contrast his personality and outlook with those who have lived similar stories - and Tanjiro's story is, outside of a few key details, common in the corps indeed. Contrast Tanjiro, who should be the next in a long line of slayers who join up to avenge their families, with the status quo and the paradigm shift he and Nezuko represent to it. Making a character like Tanjiro interesting relies on having him exist as a point of comparison to the people around him. He's not amazingly interesting in a vaccum, but he can be interesting if put in the right groups and situations. And the story does, to an extent, understand this. It does not, however, understand that the best way to do this is to make Genya a main character.

See, remember what I said about Tanjiro's backstory being common within the corps, give or take a few details? Yeah, okay, so Genya is another case of that, with his backstory differing from Tanjiro's in just the right places to spark some amazing contrast between the two. Not to mention, the end result of that backstory is that Genya's brother becomes a Hashira, which not only adds depth to his motives and personality, but gives him an inbuilt connection to the organization that's central to the story, one that must inevitably be addressed during the course of the main plot. This is what we call narrative efficiency, or colloquially, actually good writing. Not so mention the fact that Genya’s backstory is, in fact, extemely compelling and serves to inform his personality and motives in a believable way.

It's not just on a backstory level that Genya works as a foil to Tanjiro - He contrasts Tanjiro on a personality level, fitting right in as a Lancer archetype. While both are innately selfless, brave, and heroic, Tanjiro is outwardly kind and friendly, wheras Genya is bitter and angry. He's not a bad person, or even a worse person, as when it comes down to it he's just as much of a hero as Tanjiro, but he's a lot more abrasive, hardened by his hard life in a way that Tanjiro seemingly wasn't despite similar circumstances.

Things get even better when you compare them on a fighting style level. See, Tanjiro uses Hinokami Kagura, which was derived from the original breathing style of the first demon slayer. His fighting style is the origin, the secret hidden power of the past, passed down via tradition. In a way, his is the most traditional demon slayer fighting style. Meanwhile, Genya can't use breathing styles at all - and oh boy does that help his inferiority complex when his brother is a damn Hashira - which forces him to use a workaround. Genya abandons all standard slayer tactics, and uses the iconic demon slaying weapon of the modern age - a motherfucking sawed off shotgun. He then proceedes to steal his enemies own powers by eating them, which is both hardcore as hell, and is the exact sort of thing you would expect to see out of a shounen party of unconventional misfits. The most traditional demon slayer, made to contrast with the most unconventional. Both uniquely skilled in ways no other slayers are.

So not only is Genya just…a phenomenally well conceived and awesome character overall, he also is the perfect foil to Tanjiro, who we’ve already established, is a character who relies on narrative foils to be interesting.

So why is this man a side character? Why is your foil-reliant main character paired up with the three worst-written characters in the entire story? Just…why, in general?

TL;DR: Genya Shinazugawa deserves better. He deserves main character status.

[cherry-queens-blog]

A little story i had saved for awhile now and never got around to post it yet. This story hit me right in the feels a bit hard. In this story Gyutaro is searching for a partner on a dating site only to be constantly mocked and rejected sending him into a depressed frenzy until he finds reader.

(MDNI)

Warning: Self harm, depression, and Mentions of blood.

FINDING LOVE

It was a late night about 11:56 and Gyutaro was on his laptop making a profile on a dating site. He was pretty lonely and wanted to at least try and find someone he can talk to, hang out with, and just be with. He wasn't expecting much due to his appearance so he expected to get rejected by literally everyone but it doesn't hurt to at least try right? He thought in his head. Months had soon passed him by as each message he had gotten so far was just women making fun of him, calling him names, and telling him to get off the site. This made his self esteem drop further and further, even seeing all the guys get the ladies like crazy caused his jealousy to just sky rocket. The longer Gyutaro scrolled through the site the more it sent him into a spiral making him let out a frustrated sigh. It really seemed like no one interested in him, and the constant rejection was staring to really wear him down.

"why can't anyone just look past my appearance?"

He muttered to himself while slamming his laptop closed in anger. He knew that he wasn't conventionally attractive, but seeing all the other guys easily getting dates made him feel worse about himself, his jealously growing and festering, making him more bitter and angry. Gyutaro got another message but chose to just ignore it for the night, getting up and going to bed instead since he had work in a couple hours but as he laid down it felt impossible to sleep. He laid there in his bed staring at his blank wall unable to shake off the loneliness that consumed him. He just wanted to feel loved and wanted so badly but getting that was merely impossible. Not knowing how to escape from his own bitter thoughts he laid awake tossing and turning for a good two hour, unable to find any peace. The rejection from the dating had hit him harder than he thought it would, and he was starting to think there was no point in trying anymore.

Eventually, exhaustion took hold of him and he finally fell into a fitful sleep, weighed down by his own sadness and frustration. As the sun began to rise in the sky and his alarm goes off waking him from his slumber. Groaning he hit his alarm to shut it off, sitting up and rubbing his tired eyes, feeling the fatigue from his restless night settle in. Despite not wanting to get up, he dragged himself out of bed and got ready for work. He knew he couldn't let his personal life interfere with his job, so he tried to push his negative thoughts aside as he headed out to face the day. Throwing on his shirt and pants he heads out of his room towards the kitchen to find Ume who was already ready for school making frozen waffles in the toaster for breakfast before school started up. Gyutaro glanced at his little sister, giving her a nod of greeting before walking over and pouring himself a nice cup of hot coffee. He wasn't exactly a morning person especially not after the hurtful night he had, but he appreciated the effort Ume put in to make breakfast. He took a sip of the of the steaming liquid, letting out a deep sigh as the caffeine hit his system. He sits down at the table as Ume brings him waffles, setting them down in front of him, taking a bite of the waffles, savoring the sweetness and warmth of the food. Gyutaros thoughts however were still clouded with the constant rejection from the site he was using, his mind racing as he thought about all the messages he had gotten last night. After breakfast Ume and Gyutaro both grab their coats and Ume grabs her backpack and phone. The two siblings walk outside towards his motorcycle, placing a helmet on Umes head and helping her onto his bike before getting on himself. After dropping her off at school and giving her a quick hug, watching her run off towards her friends he sets off to work. As he rides off to work he can't help but feel the sense of emptiness building up inside of him. He was grateful for Ume, but he still felt alone and miserable.

Doing his best to push those thoughts down trying to focus on the road ahead of him coming to a stop at a red light. Waiting for the light to turn green a truck flew right past him at 150 mph speeding past the red light, barely missing him by a few inches. Gyutaro felt his heart drop into his stomach as the pick up truck flew past him at such a high speed. He felt lucky to be alive but his heart was still pounding rapidly inside his chest and he couldn't help but feel so thankful that Ume wasn't with him and was safe at school. He couldn't help but feel resentful towards the driver in the truck who put his life in danger.

"that was too close" he muttered to himself thinking about what could've happened if that truck had hit him dead on. He could feel the flood of adrenaline coursing through his body as he let out a shaky breath, his hands shaking on his handlebars of his motorcycle.

As the light finally turns green Gyutaro sat and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down before continuing his ride to work. Pulling up to his work and parking his bike, he sets off inside and starts getting the motorcycle shop ready for opening. Gyutaro spends the day working on various motorcycles, trying his best to focus on his work and not let his mind drift off to his own problems. It's not easy, but the physical labor somewhat helped keep his mind clear and helps him feel like he's accomplishing something in his life. As the day draws to a close, he finishes up and begins cleaning up the place getting it ready for closing. He felt exhausted after the long day, but he feels a sense of satisfaction from a job well done. Gyutaro finally arrives back home to find Ume passed out on the couch with cartoons playing on the tv. Sighing softly as he looks at her small form sleeping peacefully on the couch making him feel a sense of warmth and protectiveness flow over him. He grabs a blanket and carefully covers her, making sure she's comfortable before moving over to the remote and shutting off the tv. He heads to his room and changes into more comfortable clothing and sits at his laptop pulling it open to find a bunch of messages from the dating site. Opening up the site he looks through all of them just to see so much hate towards him again, not a single nice message was in sight and it caused his depression to spike, going through and blocking each one of them, feeling like he about had enough as his mood turns sour as he reads each one. The teasing and bashing was something he should be used to but each message had cut him so deep, hurting him so badly every time. A spiral of emotions tearing into him as he sat there wondering why nobody ever wanted to just give him at least one chance, and just look past his ugliness at all. Closing the site he decides to look at other things online to try and distract himself from all the bullshit, and negative thoughts that is pounding inside his head as the hurt, anger, and loneliness swarms him, lingering in the back of his mind, keeping him from being able to relax.

Though despite his best efforts to distract himself from it all, he finds himself unable to shake off every ounce of emotion pumping through him like a drug that's poisoning his mind and body, feeling trapped in a endless cycle of rejection, and loneliness unable to break away no matter how hard he tries. He sits there feeling so isolated, and unwanted by everyone and everything, taking in all his willpower to not break into tears and lash out.

Gyutaro spends the rest of the night feeling so lost in his thoughts and pain. Feelings that nothing will change for him and there's nothing he can do to make his situation better for himself. He can't help but feel tired and drained as he finally crawls into bed, feeling like tomorrow will just be another day of the same old routine. The emotions that are stirring within him finally over takes him making him feel like he's about to lose his mind, the hurt drowning him in depression and self hatred, he finally breaks apart fully, tears now soaking his face as the anger creeps in stronger then before. with tears pouring from his eyes, his hands covering them as the madness takes hold, hair nails now digging into his flesh on his face dragging them down leaving wounds upon himself that bled as he begins to yell out due to the overbearing hurt that was now to much for him. All the pain and and anger that is pouring out of him in torrent of tears and self-harm, hoping the physical pain would drown out and numb out all the hurt inside of him. As he screamed and cried out, he couldn't help but feel like giving up. The constant rejection and mockery he faced all cause of his appearance has really chipped away his self esteem, leaving him feeling like he isn't worthy of love or happiness. After awhile Ume comes into his room after being woken up by his screaming only to have her heart drop into her stomach, seeing her brother in tears and scratches painting his face from him scratching. Without another second she rushes to her brothers side and hugs onto him tightly trying to comfort him, to calm him with her embrace.

"Shhh it's okay brother, everything's okay, please relax everything's okay big brother" She says to him as his heart swells up as Ume holds onto him. The warmth of his sister's embrace sooths the pain he's in right now, hugging her back tightly, taking in big deep breaths trying to calm down from his high of pain. "it's nothing Ume, I'm just f-feeling a bit d-down.." He muttered not wanting to burden her with the full extent of his problems, but eventually he finds the courage to speak up to his little sister and tell her what's going on. "I just... I feel so alone, Ume.. It feels so hard, to keep going when it feels like nobody's ever going to love me." He admits with his voice breaking a bit as his tears wet her shoulder. "I love you big brother, I always will, you're the best brother i could ever ask for"

Her words had struck him harder then anything, to hear how much his sister loved him and cared for him so much was enough to smother his pain a bit despite the tears still being visible in his eyes. A couple weeks pass by and Gyutaro finally had a day off from work so he decides to take Ume to the park so she can go and play for awhile. He sits down on a bench while Ume played on the slides, swings, and so on. Pulling out his phone he sees many messages from that damn site again. Feeling a sense of dread wash over him as he sees all the messages from the dating site, now debating whether or not to read them, but something urges him to open it and face all the insults head on but was interrupted when you walked over and sat by him on the bench, pulling out your phone from your pocket. You were extremely cute with big doe hazel eyes, a nice figure, nice hair, everything. Gyutaro didn't have the confidence though to start a conversation knowing he's just gonna get hit with insults all over again. The feeling of anxiety taking hold, her beauty making him feel even more self-conscious about his own appearance. He does his best to ignore her, only paying attention to Ume's laughter and enjoyment along with the feeling of the sun on his skin. You look up from your phone, looking over at him as a small smile formed on your face.

"Um.. hey" You said to him while looking out at all the kids playing in the park. Gyutaro was completely taken aback when you spoke to him, making him feel shocked and nervous. He looks over at you, feeling his heart rate increase at the sight of your smile. "uh.. hi.... um what's up?"

He stammers a bit, feeling like his mouth is suddenly dried up. he tries to keep his cool and keep his tone casual, but he can feel himself getting tongue tied, hoping your different from the rest but he can't help but push those thoughts down not wanting to get his hopes up. "The sky" You respond back to him joking a little with a slight laugh. Gyutaro let's out a small chuckle as well at the small joke you made, feeling a smile forming on his face, while feeling a slight relief. He was grateful for the moment of levity, which managed to dispel some of the tension he's been feeling. He realizes now that you are trying to make conversation with him and decides to give it a chance, though he still feels nervous about it, worrying about rejection still."so uh... do you come here often or?" He asks trying to keep the conversation going between you two without getting to attached, not when he knows that he could be rejected at any moment. "nah not really, how about you? do you come here often?" You ask him, looking at him as he shakes his head no. He felt a bit embarrassed that he mostly spends all his time at work or at home with his little sister. "Not really, I usually work a lot or I'm usually busy with my sister so I don't get out much"

He admits feeling a bit self-conscious about how boring his life must sound right now to you, but he wasn't gonna pretend either just to impress some pretty girl either. "oh..." You reply going quiet for a moment thinking to yourself. "eh that's okay" Gyutaro felt a little bit of relief wash over him knowing you were a bit understanding of his situation. He knows he's not the most exciting person in the world, but he hopes that you'll find him interesting enough to keep talking to him. "yeah it's not so bad, I mean I like spending time with my little sister and all, but sometimes it would be nice to have someone else to talk to"

He says while glancing over at his sister again, feeling grateful for her presence but also feeling a little lonely. He's not used to striking up conversations with strangers, but he's trying to push himself out of his comfort zone. You raise a brow looking at him wondering something. "Are you lonely or something?" You ask him, watching him shift in his seat a little as he felt a bit uncomfortable at your direct question. His cheeks flush a bit red, feeling self-conscious about his loneliness. He wasn't used to being so vulnerable around strangers, but he does decide to be quite honest with you for some reason. "uh yeah, I guess you could say that" He shrugs his shoulders a little. "I mean I have my little sister but"

He trails off as he looks at all the people on the playground again, feeling a twinge of sadness rise up in his chest. You felt a bit sorry for him but also found him cute as well so you thought of something. "How about we go out sometime?" Your question had really caught him off guard. Gyutaro looked at you in absolute shock as he felt a surge of hope at your words, not quite believing if he had heard you correctly or not. His heart skips its beat inside his chest, nervousness grasping his throat as he got choked up a little bit. "Really? you would want to go out with me?' He asks feeling a little incredulous. He quickly composes himself, not wanting to come off as desperate or eager.

"I mean, sure, that sounds great, uh when were you thinking?" As he asks feeling nervous about this whole thing. A faint blush spreads across your face as you begin to speak. "Are you free tomorrow night?" Gyutaro feels his own cheeks flush as he notices your blush on your face, feeling a sudden surge of confidence. Maybe this is his chance, his opportunity to break out of his shell and finally experience what he's been wanting for so long now. "Uh yeah, tomorrow night works for me!" He says, trying to sound casual despite the butterflies he feels in his stomach. "did you have a specific place in mind?

"there's a nice restaurant called kozue we can go to" Your smile never fades as you continue to talk with him. "oh I never asked what's your name by the way?" You felt a bit silly not asking him for his name earlier in the conversation. Gyutaro smiles felling a bit happy for once right now, he also couldn't help but feel so excited as well while hearing your suggestion. He could not believe his luck either, was this really happening to him?. "My names gyutaro and yours?" He responds while extending his hand to shake yours. "My name is Y/N". You shake his hand with a nice smile. "nice to meet you" He responds trying to keep the excitement out of his voice, not wanting to scare you off with his eagerness. He just can't help but feel like he's on cloud nine in this moment right now. Your mom soon pulls up to pick you up and you get a message from her stating that she was there. You get up off the bench, and as you do Gyutaro gets a bit worried for a second as you stand up looking at your phone until you put it in your pocket. "my rides here... do you have a phone?". He looks at you a bit confused as to why your asking him that, but he's to excited to and decides to hand it to you without thinking to much about it. You take his phone and put something into it before handing it back and waving at him goodbye as you walk to your moms car. Gyutaro felt a bit disappointed as you left until he looked down at his phone and seen that you had put your number in his phone which spikes up his excitement as he can't wait to see you tonight.

[future--ghost]

I started thinking about Sammy Lawrence again. He genuinely means so much to me because he's such missed potential. The creators of Bendy proved that they COULD write good characters, but just don't. If time constraints are an issue, maybe you should deviate from your formula? Susie/Malice is a good character. She has development throughout the chapters, even if we don't explicitly see her much. Her actions resonate through the studio, not to mention that we can get her audio recordings from the past, each one showing her going from an excited, up-and-coming Alice to an angry, betrayed, bitter woman, who's about to become a victim to Joey. I WISH they'd explore Sammy more as a character. He could genuinely be so interesting. A talented musician who won an award, alongside his old friend and musical partner, Jack. Jack, who was a singer, and the sweeter of the two. Jack who can no longer form coherent sentences, nor can he sing any longer. Sammy, who has a more stable body than the rest of the lost ones, but who has lost himself to madness. One of the first overtaken by the ink. One of the first to be pulled into the depths of insanity by Joey's creations.

He could he so tragic. Sammy's belief in the Ink Demon "saving him from the inky abyss he calls a body" has always been considered dumb. How had he come to that opinion? That's something I'd see every once and a while after the release of chapter 2 of BATIM. After BATDR, I remember seeing a character analysis of Sammy's belief in the Ink Demon and how in BATDR, we saw a more manipulative and egotistical Ink Demon. It could be possible that the Ink Demon took advantage of Sammy's desire for his old body back to return to his former self. It'd be easy, wouldn't it? A sleep deprived musician who's been one of the first victims of the Ink. Spiraling downwards, even writing one last song, before the breakdown that marked the end to his former life. (Lighter Side of Hell was the last song Sammy composed before he broke down and was consumed by the Ink, I think.) I can't find the post, but I really did love that one, because ever since I've thought about him more.

Something I've thought about his character that has definitely sprouted from BATDR is Sammy's ability to compose in the form we see in the game. His body is made of Ink. INK. Ink doesn't hold a stable form. No matter what you do, it won't. It's not like skin. Skin will at least be soft enough to touch things, but inky will ripple at the touch of a string. Why might I mention strings? Sammy's favorite instrument is the Banjo, as he said in the Sammy Lawrence Hot Topic Twitter Takeover in 2017. Banjo is a string instrument, but an ink body wouldn't be able to use a string instrument. Sammy Lawrence physically cannot compose without damaging the ink body. The string would most likely cut through the ink. Not to mention all the other string instruments in the Music Department. He can still use other instruments, like percussion, right? It depends. The frequency might cause ripples in the ink. It depends on how it works. Personally, I'd like to think Sammy has a far more stable body, as his anatomy is not as see-through as the other lost ones. Sammy has a "skin" of sorts. The lost ones are just kind of bones, with ink dripping down. So Sammy may actually have a body under the ink, who knows! But my main point is that both Sammy and Jack are incapable of doing what their jobs and livelihoods were. Sammy can't compose his new body, which hinders the ability greatly. Jack can't sing. He was the more vocal of the two.

That's just a small bit of what they could think of. Idk that's just kinda been what I think about when it comes to Sammy.

[alfredojesta]

okay self indulgent rant about my circus pasta headcanons (i call them "circus squad" which is funny because nathan vine and pup are far from circusy) (THIS POST IS SO LONG OMG I JUST DON'T SHUT UP)

PART 1: NATHAN AND CANDY POP

ever since nathan and ciara got married, candy pop treats nathan like he's his angsty teenage son. even though nathan is a grown ass man. and they've been best friends for years.

he shows up to nathan and ciara's house in the middle of the night with gifts and (store-bought) food. ciara wakes up and punches him out of surprise. "WHERE DID YOU COME FROM, POPS?" "OW — I COME WITH GIFTS!"

candy pop and nathan have a lot of trust in each other. nathan acts like an anti social freak but candy pop knows he's a silly little guy. candy pop isn't bitter at all that nathan spends more time with his wife than with the jester. candy pop is actually incredibly supportive of their relationship! he's very proud! he wants to be a good father and a great bestie! he even wanted to match with nathan so he made jason the toymaker marry him (IT ENDED IN A TERRIBLE DIVORCE)!

i think that nathan has supported candy pop the longest. they met when night terrors was still in commission and they worked together to stop night terrors and his cluster of souls from wreaking havoc. candy pop was beneficial to nathan as well. candy pop helped him get out of his shell and become as hopeful as he is today. nowadays, nathan's too busy with his own life to do pranks with candy pop. but candy pop doesn't mind it.

candy pop tries to be a good father to ciara. he does the most he can, but even then it doesn't feel like enough. ciara pushes him away, claiming she's able to protect herself. she isn't good with trusting people, not even candy pop. losing her twin brother made her cold and distant. being around the jarringly energetic candy pop makes her angry in a way. she doesn't know just how much candy pop relates to her life.

PART 2: VINE AND PAPA GRANDE

VINE??? oh he's like . 40. vine is more of a lowkey serial killer. his victims are normally documented as "missing". he hides his tracks well. he's the richest out of the six, having inherited most of his father's money and then used it to start a successful business.

he's besties with the puppeteer, papa grande and nathan. it was pretty difficult for them to get close to vine. vine is quiet, quite asocial for his age, and has a hard time trusting men. he was lucky enough to find people he could relate to.

when it comes to jason and candy pop... vine is 50/50 with them. sometimes he likes them, sometimes he doesn't. jason isn't fun to talk to; he doesn't listen, he's working 99% of the time, and he'll either sigh with annoyance or tell vine straight up "i do not care. get out." and then candy pop is candy pop idk what more to say about that.

then papa grande... he's a travelling magician who picks certain people from the audience to kill and add to his collection! he, like vine, isn't a famous serial killer.

papa grande rarely admits it but he sees these little guys as family. nathan is like his adopted son... annoying adopted son. they constantly joke about papa grande breaking his back or having a heart attack, and at some point, papa grande thinks they're praying on his downfall.

jason learns all his magic tricks from papa grande — usually against his will. papa grande genuinely thought jason was a magician because of his tophat and cane. but no. jason is just a fancy british guy.

candy pop's an exception when it comes to the familial bond. candy pop is like a dog he found on the street. candy pop is a menace. he keeps waking up papa grande in the middle of the night and asking him to do magic tricks. "PAPA WAKE UP!" "WHAT" "MAGIC TRICKS!" "WHAT."

PART 3: THE PUPPETEER AND JASON

i have a bunch of headcanons for THE MALE MANIPULATORS. i think the toymaker and the puppeteer would get along great.

FIRST OF ALL, the puppeteer actually respects jason. he was a bit intimidated by jason at first, but after getting to know him, he's come to look up to him. pup admires jason's craftsmanship, finding his work to be beautiful and inspiring.

SECOND OF ALL, as a toymaker himself, jason is intrigued by pup being a living puppet. sometimes he asks to reconfigure the puppeteer's wooden limbs. to that, the puppeteer politely declines.

THIRD OF ALL, they are SENSIBLE PEOPLE... usually. they're both manipulative and selfish freaks who get angry when things don't go their way... i reckon they have conversations over tea about how many people they've fucked up this year. "five women in one month? scandalous." "do not word it like that."

pup is a wanderer. wanderers don't have places to stay. wanderers wander into peoples' apartments ("they are called flats" – jason) and overstay their visits... jason let him stay ONCE. ONCE. and the puppeteer decided to take it as "oh i can come over whenever i want!"

thankfully he isn't a messy guy... he's just odd. he always turns on the tv just to watch it for three minutes and then head to the kitchen to cook dinner. but he never finishes cooking dinner because he gets distracted by the tv he played in the living room an hour ago. jason hears it all happen.

pup also tries to console jason about his anger issues. he keeps seeing holes punched into the wall and it's concerning. (i think punching holes into walls actually makes jason angrier. like what the fuck do you mean you're that weak. dumbass wall.) pup makes sure not to enable his anger... he is the exact opposite of candy pop and nathan.

the puppeteer very much loves his friends and will do anything for them (he does not have many friends). whenever someone takes the toymaker's tophat, the puppeteer is the one to return it. even if it ends up at the side of a cliff in nevada, he'll get it back for the toymaker. although, the toymaker usually doesn't want the tophat back...

jason thinks the puppeteer can be overbearing at times but he isn't as bad as candy pop, so things are okay. plus, jason can always mess with the puppeteer as much as he messes with jason. whether it's scaring him off with a toy or shaking salt in front of him, pup is such an easy target.

OKAY THAT'S ALL (i have more just saving it for other posts xD)

they're rlly interesting characters :') genuinely my favourites. i love them so much... i have a candymaker rant right here too for anyone who wants to read

[targaryenluvs]

Over you’re post about the crows x child!reader. And I was thinking of the same for a while! But I wanted to ask you about the crows with a moody teen. Like she’s maybe grown up, she’s like still bad ass but she’s going through teen age eyes. Like maybe like 13-14. Sorry, I just think it would be so funny like the guardians of the galaxy and teen age groot. She can have like a attitude problem with kaz.

Teenage Scare

six of crows x teen!reader, kaz brekker x teen!reader

Mean.

That’s how most people would describe you.

No matter what a discussion was about you always had something to say. When you were younger you were new to the Crow Club. Despite your rough life you were kind and sweet.

That part of you was snacking on waffles deep inside, because with your teenage years came change. And you didn’t like change. First came with your height, you were still short for your age but you could see you were growing faster than usual. Then came your face, where it was usually smooth came bumps and rough patches, not noticeable but to you? This was an attack on your face.

Then your chest, which was the worst. From 12 to 14 it grew and grew and you had no clue if it would stop. You’d caught the eye of local boys when you didn’t want to. Which lead to a few catcalls to you, and a few broken noses for them. You didn’t want to be treated differently for something so vain, so natural.

But it would happen either way, not only did boys notice but men did too. Although they always bit their tongue since the first (and last) man to say something ended up with all his money fit snuggly in your pockets and his teeth in a bin.

It made you angry and bitter.

You had to get new clothes every few months since it didn’t fit here or there and so on. After a big job the Crows had pulled off which you played a huge role in you were definitely more than able to afford it but you didn’t want to waste all your money on clothes.

So you took up sewing in secret.

You didn’t feel like being bullied for doing something so girlish whilst you condemned the Ladies of richer houses for being shackled to a birthing bed or cooking and cleaning.

But the thing was you liked it. It brung a sense of calm, using different colours of thread and different needles giving various outcomes. And there was nothing you could make that had been made before. There was so much freedom when it came to it.

Everyone else noticed the calm of the storm that was you, pretty quickly.

“What on Ketterdam just happened.” Wylan said to Jesper as he sat down with his breakfast. “What do you mean?” He looked up at him and cleared his throat, “I’m sorry I should’ve been clearer.” Jesper laughed, “What did I say about apologising for how you speak?” Jesper smiled timidly, “Not to. I remember, just a slip. It’s just, when I went into the Kitchen, Y/n was in there.”

Jesper tilted his head, encouraging him to continue, “Cooking. She hasn’t cooked since she was twelve.” Jesper brung his hand to his forehead and faked shock, “Oh my Saints, the world is off its axis.”

Wylan smacked his chest and frowned, “It’s not funny! She hasn’t cooked in so long, she says it’s boring and we have people for it so what’s the point?” Jesper wraps his arm around him, “I’m sorry love, you’re right it is odd. But maybe the beast is about to go into a deep slumber and we get the normal Y/n back. You know how the younger teenage years are.”

“We’re all in our 20s, we may not fully remember but it was awkward and weird. Everything was changing and we were adapting. Let her adapt.” He finished as Wylan nodded in agreement, what he didn’t notice was Jespers hand sneaking towards his toast.

“Hey! Drop it!” Wylan shouted as Jesper took a big bite out of the corner, “You love me, let me eat.” Wylan huffed in annoyance before getting up to leave but Jesper promptly wrapped his arm around his waist and brought him back down, “Oh no you don’t.” Jesper laughed as Wylan did too.

“Please stop giggling like school girls, you’re making me want to vomit.” Y/n said as she sat down with her food in front of them. “Don’t make any sudden movements, we don’t want to scare the animal.” Jesper ‘whispered’ as Y/n laughed sarcastically, “For a second I was wondering why I never sit with you two in the mornings anymore, now I remember why.”

“Oh it was just a joke Y/n, please sit, I feel like I never see you anymore.” Wylan spoke as he took a sip of his juice. “Maybe open your eyes up babe, I live with you.” Wylan smiled, “Yeah but I uhm, I missed talking to you.”

“Thanks. I’d miss me too.”

Jesper snickered as Wylan hit him again.

That was one of the moments you realised how much you’d changed. Whilst fearing over things being different you’d pushed away the Crows, your family. You’d begun spending more time in your room, or with other friends your age and while having friends your age was okay, you spent more time with them than at the Slat or Crow Club.

You’d let your fear take over. Not wanting to eat with them in the mornings to hear their questions and teasings of, “Are you okay?” “Is it that time of the month?” “New clothes?”

What you’d seen as annoying were actually just genuine questions of concern. From that day on you’d ease back into your life. Eating with them in the mornings, actually attending meetings rather than hearing the summary from Inej.

You’d go shopping with Nina for food, or have your daily reading sessions in Kaz’s office. You’d shop for hats and ingredients with Wylan and Jesper and laugh when Jesper touched the wrong thing and would get told off.

You’d be home again.

The meeting was at seven pm and this time you planned on showing up.

You were there twenty minutes early, grabbing your favourite book of tales you’d obtained from East Ravka. “You’re here for once?” Kaz asked as he walked into the room. You nodded, the realisation that you hadn’t talked to him in weeks.

Kaz noticed your change first. No longer did he receive sweet notes in the morning that had him smiling at himself, no longer did he hear your humming as you read in his office, something he claimed to loathe but he’d grown familiar to the sound, like a white noise.

When he worked to hard he’d always be so engrossed in whatever he was doing he’d sometimes not notice you bringing him dinner, lunch or breakfast.

Before every meeting you’d be the first to come along, not for the sake of punctuality, but so Kaz could silently hand over his plan, and have you fix anything that seemed out of place.

Once you’d become a teenager, you grew distant and indifferent to Kaz most of all. You didn’t want him to see you as an adult. Someone he could treat the same as others he worked with. You liked how it was, him always asking you if you’d slept, him telling you off when you became cheeky, when you ate like a girl starved. (Which you never were), when he’d let you, little by little break away his barriers.

With a pat on the back, a comment of praise, a loving look etc. What you both missed most of all was your night talks. Where you’d talk about anyone or thing. Nothing was off limits, it was in these talks that you found out about Kaz’s past.

His change of scenery from his fathers farm to the bustling streets of Ketterdam, the con played by one Jakob Hertzoon on two unknowing boys. How they were cheated out of their inheritance, Jordie’s death and the eventual reasoning behind Kaz and his fear of touch.

You vowed with him to bring Pekka down.

The words which he uttered, ‘Brick by Brick’ held new meaning in your eyes. And you and Kaz held them dear, you would do anything to bring the ‘King’ of the Barrel to his knees.

After such a monumental breakthrough, even if Kaz wouldn’t admit it, you drifted and it stung.

“Early as always.”

“What else do you expect from me?”

“For you to run away, play with your little friends rather than do your job.”

You lifted your head from your book, “I know I’ve been gone a bit, but I always get the job done. I’m always there.”

“I know you are. But as a Crow you’re supposed to be at every meeting, every briefing. Just because you’re a child it does not give you a free pass to skip out on anything.”

“I’m not a child.”

“No? You run away from your responsibilities, the plan is as important as the mission. You should know the ins and outs, the layout of the area rather than running around aimlessly before finally finding a window to go through.”

“That’s was one time!”

“It’s not good enough. You’re not good enough.”

You slammed the book down on the table and rose from your seat, “I’m sorry if I’m not fucking perfect Kaz. But I’m human. We all make mistakes and you know that. There’s a reason you always make me go over every plan. You’re not subtle, having Inej bring me plans as ‘potential opportunities’ and asking for my opinion. I know she relays all the information to you. I’m fourteen not stupid.”

“It’s been a while since I heard that phrase.”

“Oh fuck you.”

“Y/n.”

You stopped in your tracks, you knew that tone, you’d heard it on countless heists and with it you knew not to mess around. You turned slowly and crossed your arms, “What?”

“Brick by Brick.”

You sighed, the words had been lost to you, having not said them in forever.

“Brick by Brick.”

“Those words are close to me. I do not take them lightly, they’re a promise, it will happen. Don’t make me regret telling you of my past if you’re slacking. If you’re slipping, if you can’t handle yourself you can’t handle this life. If you’d rather be an ordinary girl I can organise a wealthy family to adopt you. It wouldn’t be hard, you’re well educated, mannered even if you’ve shown a lack of them in the past few years. But if you want to continue, continue with the Crows then let me know right now. I cannot have someone lacking in focus and effort because they’re moping about change.”

“I want to be here, I do. And the phrase, means a lot to you I know. I know how hard it was for you to share your past with me and i’m grateful you did. It showed me so much more to you. You built all of this from the ground and as much as you’d never admit it, it means a lot to you. The Crows do. I’d never want to jeopardise all you’ve done. I’m sorry for how I’ve been acting and I promise to get my act together. I don’t remember much from my years before here. And I don’t want to. This is my life, I was made for this.”

“That’s the Y/n I know. Now, go over the plan before everyone arrives.”

You sat back down, “Brick by Brick.”

You looked up and grinned, “Brick by Brick.”

[thebabblingbrookenook]

Wide Open Spaces

Pairings -  Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader

Summary - Modern AU - Benedict and Reader explore new facets of their longtime childhood friendship. 

Warnings - 18+ Please,  Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content

Word Count - 6.2K

Author’s Note - Huge thank you to @colettebronte for giving this a once over for me before posting. And a major shoutout to @eleanor-bradstreet for writing inspiring fics for me to reference! Soundtrack inspos for this one include: Cinnamon Summer by Jome, and Honeybee by The Head and the Heart

______________________________________________

Disappointment. That was the overwhelming sensation coloring your mood as you looked down at the message on your phone. Your sister had canceled on you again. It had been six months since you last saw her and you were starting to miss her.

This always happened when she got into a new relationship. The constant companion you had known your whole life suddenly transformed into the biggest flake on the planet. You were happy she was happy, but she never saw outside of her little love bubble when there was a new guy.

At times, you could smile and write it off as an endearing quirk, but this time your irritation was a bit harder to quell. The trip you were supposed to be taking together this weekend had been planned for weeks. The excitement of seeing your baby sister and enjoying uninterrupted relaxation was the only thing getting you through the tedious tasks weighing you down at work. You knew this cloud of disappointment was going to linger for a few days.

You thought about telling her how rude she was behaving. You even thought about telling her that you didn’t care if her boyfriend had asked her to meet his parents on the same weekend as your trip. But in the end, what was the point? If she bailed on her boyfriend and came along, her legendary pout would have made the trip unbearable. If she decided to go with him despite your disgruntled plea, you both would have ended up deploying the silent treatment for months and you wouldn’t get to see her until Christmas. 

You were in the middle of texting your sad, but supportive reply when you felt a warm hand rub a reassuring circle on your back.

“Let me guess, Caroline canceled at the last minute again?” Benedict’s voice held a defensive tone. 

You sighed in resignation, “Yeah, how’d you know?”

“The look on your face. It’s the one you put on when you’re trying to be angry so you don’t have to admit how much something hurt you. And it’s usually only reserved for Caroline.” He said her name like it left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

“Benedict…” you scolded.

He shrugged innocently with a hint of defiance. “What? I resent her for stealing my sunshine. I was getting used to seeing you so happy. It was nice.”

“Hey,” you complained, “I’m a happy person. Most of the time…”

“I love you, darling, but no,” he laughed. “You’re delightfully grumpy and I adore you for it. You do things with depth. Depth makes it hard to be blindly happy. I wouldn’t have you any other way. It was just nice seeing you smile freely.”

It took a moment for his words to sink in. He had been your best friend for your entire life. If anyone really knew you, it was Benedict. Why were you just now realizing that he viewed you this way? From your perspective, he was the only person that set you at ease. Laughter came easy when he was around. Parts of your personality came alive with Benedict because he was the only one who had earned those parts of you. Having him associate you with such a sense of bleakness didn’t sit right with you. Had he not noticed you allowing him in past your walls, or did your underlying melancholy overshadow the peace he brought into your life? You didn’t know whether to feel betrayal or guilt. Guilt if you hadn’t made it clear how much joy he brought, or betrayal for not being seen by the only person you thought capable.

You stared at the rapidly cooling cup of tea that you clutched in your hand. Anything to keep you from meeting his gaze. You didn’t know if you were ready to face what you might find reflected back in his stormy eyes. It might unravel you, and the courtyard of the college campus where you worked was not a place you were comfortable with that transpiring. You needed to go home. 

 Standing abruptly, you started to gather your things. If it weren’t for the almost comical look of panic transforming his face, you would have made a quick but silent exit. You were never able to stomach the way negative emotions haunted his features. They didn’t belong there, not coinciding with his light. 

“I’ll see you later, Ben. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. It’s happened before and it will happen again. That’s Caroline. I’m just going to go home and have a quiet weekend alone. I have a lot of manuscripts I need to catch up on for Professor Maxwell anyway. He said he would consider one of my choices to present to the publishers as the featured up-and-coming author this month. I want to make sure I’m ready.”

He didn’t seem entirely convinced by your casual tone, but he didn’t push the issue. “Alright then… but call me if you get lonely. I don’t want you cooped up all weekend having fake arguments with Caroline in your head. You get scary when you sit with your anger too long.”

“See you later, Bridgerton,” you replied with an amused grin.

Sometimes it was annoying how well he knew you, but somehow his teasing prediction already made you feel less alone. 

~~~~~~~~~~

You woke the next morning to the sound of your doorbell repeatedly beckoning you from sleep. Immediately regretting last night’s over indulgence of red wine, you rolled over to check the ring camera on your phone. It didn’t surprise you in the slightest to find Benedict standing on your porch looking far too chipper at this ungodly hour.

Clicking the microphone, you spoke through the camera so he could hear you. “Go away. Trespassers will be prosecuted.”

His grin was blinding. “Oh come on, you lazy git. Get your bum out of bed and let me in.”

“Ugghhh,” you groaned. He was impossible.

Reluctantly, you dragged yourself from the warmth of your bed and shuffled to the front door. You hadn’t given a second thought to your appearance until Benedict’s eyes took in your state.

“Ooof,” he mocked. “Good morning, Sunshine.”

You must have looked a picture as you stood there scowling at him in your pjs. “Pardon me, I wasn’t expecting uninvited company. You really are a nuisance, Ben.”

“Yeah, but I’m a lovable nuisance. You wouldn’t have let me in if I wasn’t.”

Rolling your eyes, you turned around walking back into the house, leaving him to follow you. You were going to need coffee if you wanted to get on his level anytime soon. You heard the door latch behind him as he trailed you to the kitchen. 

“So…” he asked hesitantly. “What are your plans for the day?”

You looked up at him skeptically from below the ring of your coffee mug. “I already told you my plans. There are words to be read and wine to be drunk.”

“Can you read your words and drink your wine someplace else?” He could feel you retreating into your silence so he pushed on. “Listen, I know I’m not Caroline. I don’t have anything particularly exciting to offer in comparison to a sisters’ weekend, but I would very much like to spend the day with you. I need to practice a new brush technique for a class I’m teaching. You can read, I can paint… We’ll be alone, but together. Who was it that said it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone?”

You knew he was baiting you with your love of words, but damn him if it wasn’t working. “Tennessee Williams. But if you recall, the first half of that quote depicts lonely people joining forces. I don’t think he was speaking of a pity invitation from a Casanova to his pathetic, sad friend.”

“That’s not what this is,” he chastised. “I’m allowed to be lonely too.”

“Oh, please, Ben.” You dismissed him prematurely. “You’re never alone. There is always someone throwing themselves at your feet.”

“I didn’t say I was alone. I said I was lonely…” The haunted look had returned to contort his beautiful face.

The undeniable need to vanquish anything that creased his brow pulled you toward him. Reaching out for him, you stopped yourself from wrapping your arms around his torso, instead choosing something safer. You squeezed reassuringly around his forearm that rested on the counter. 

“I’ll go get dressed,” you said softly. “Wait for me?”

His eyes left your fingers splayed across his arm and searched your face. The amount of relief flooding the rings of blue made your stomach ache.

“I’ll wait as long as you need…” he promised.

~~~~~~~~~~

Like with most things, he was right about his company bringing you back into balance. It was easy to be around him. He was comfortable in your silence, and you in his. There was no need for incessant chit chat. It was enough to simply just be. No pressure. No performance. No need to be guarded. The sounds of his brush strokes against the canvas soothed you as you flipped from page to page in your book.

It had turned out to be the perfect day for outdoor endeavors. There wasn’t a rain cloud in sight, and the sun was almost as warm as Benedict’s presence. He had taken you to a remote clearing he stumbled across during one of his many reflective walks. The open field was surrounded by dense woods, sequestering you in your own private world. The nearby stream provided the perfect soundtrack to drown out all the unwanted noise of life. 

He had packed a blanket for you to sprawl out on while he labored over his easel. Per usual, he had thought of everything. There was even a basket filled with your favorite snacks. You would both be content for hours. Responsible for nothing. Accountable to no one. He had gifted you peace.

The sun poured out its affection lavishly over your skin, and you soaked in its embrace. The dress you wore hung loosely from the straps that tied at your shoulders, and the lightweight cotton fabric kissed your skin delicately, providing an unabashed sense of freedom. It had been a long time since you had felt this content and you were already craving a return visit. 

It had been hours since you had seen another person. Every so often there would be a wayward hiker, but for the better part of the day it was just the two of you. Working side by side, in tandem but apart. You were fully consumed by the current manuscript you were reading. It was the third one of the day, but the first to hold your interest. This was undoubtedly the piece you would submit to your boss for publication. 

The author skillfully and eloquently stripped down the world as we know it, and submerged the reader into the unknown. With the trivial things torn away, everything came back to basics. What did a person truly need to survive? What did we look to in order to feel secure? Sure, the tried and true standards still applied - Food. Water. Shelter. But what were those things without hope? Was there even a point?

It was a love story at its core. A devastating one, but a love story nonetheless. It seemed a cruel irony to make it all the way through life only to find love at the end of the world. Love was already a precarious thing, but the stakes were even higher in their world. The person you joined your life with was the person that kept you alive. 

There was a perfect balance between danger and sweetness. You had invested fully in the characters. Their joy was your joy, their pain your pain. So when the unthinkable happened, your heart thudded to a stop. A shocked sob escaped your lips, breaking the silence that had settled.

Benedict looked at you in alarm. “What’s happened?”

You shook your head, waving off his worry. You’d almost forgotten he was there. “This author is fantastic. It feels so real.”

His lazy smile spread across his face. “You’ll have to tell me about it once you’re finished.”

Normally you loved telling him about the books you read. He always hung on your words and asked enthusiastic questions. But you weren’t sure you could do that with this one. Her leading man bore a striking resemblance to yours. Even the glances you were stealing of him now were almost unbearable. If there was one person in this world whose loss would bury you, it was Benedict. 

Family wasn’t something that you had a surplus of. Your parents had both been gone for years. Caroline was your only sibling and you had drifted apart as you got older. But Benedict had always been there, and you made a family of your own. Each day he started to mean more to you than you were comfortable with. You tried to ignore it, but your heart was persistent and loud. 

Your eyes welled with tears as you read the final chapter. Images of Benedict’s face flooded your mind while the author described the fate of her hero in heart wrenching detail. The pit in your stomach was about to swallow you whole. Evidence of your despair leaked from the corners of your eyes and made their way to the corners of your mouth, leaving your lips salty and wet. 

You knew it would only deepen the hurt, but you couldn’t resist the pull to look at Benedict. It was only a story but you needed the reminder that he was still here. Like he always was. 

You weren’t sure how, but he looked more striking than he had just a moment ago. Maybe your imaginary grief had heightened your awareness of him. Or maybe it snapped your perspective into focus. You were in love with your best friend but you had no clue what to do with that revelation. 

You were so lost in your reverie that he startled you when he spoke. “What’s that look about, Sunshine?”

“I’m just remembering you,” you said meekly, averting your eyes.

“Hmph,” he sighed.

Setting down his paintbrush, he came to sit behind you on the blanket. His arm reached around your side and pulled the book from your hands. “Who is this Bradstreet person, and why have they made you cry? It was a happy day. I thought we’d finally chased the grey away.”

A shiver ran deep when you felt the heat from his lips press softly into the naked skin at your shoulder. Steadying yourself, you turned your face into him so you could meet him eye to eye. You weren’t sure what his small, but intimate gesture meant. He had always behaved in this familiar way with you. Touch wasn’t something that he shied away from. It’s how he showed affection. This was just the first time you had ever opened yourself up to the possibility of more.

Your fingers reached up to brush the waves of his dark hair away from his face. The tension left his body at your touch and he melted into you. His eyes closed and he smiled sweetly as he hummed his appreciation. You rarely initiated touch with him like this and you were now realizing what a crime that was.

His lips touched your skin again in a silent thank you. The importance of this moment was finally sinking into your bones. Now was the time to make sure he understood what he meant to your life. You didn’t think you would ever forgive yourself if the world came tumbling down and you left out that he was the only one…

Your eyes lingered on his in a silent exchange before you leaned in to capture his lips with your own. His body stilled for a split second but quickly reanimated, matching your energy with intention. Years of unidentified longing flowed out through your touch and held him close to you. 

He broke your kiss to catch a breath.

“Thank God,” he whispered. “I was beginning to worry that you’d never feel it.”

An exhausted amusement washed over you. “You know me… Always taking the long way around.”

His answering laugh was your favorite sound. It was warm and deep. A familiar comfort.

“Well worth the wait,” he declared, tucking your hair behind your ear.

In that moment a switch inside you flipped. Desire for this man had made itself known, sending a pulsing urgency to overtake you like a riptide. The smell of him, so close and invasive, was a provocative elixir calling out to awaken wanton need. 

The heat from his toned, lean body radiated from behind you seeping into your spine. Its invitation was impossible to resist, so you let go, giving yourself over completely. His arms welcomed you in and every inch of him conformed to fit you perfectly. Broad shoulders provided a safe place to lay your head as his face dipped to rest in the crook of your neck. His deep breaths coaxed a thrilling shiver from you as he savored the scent of your skin. 

You craved him with such intensity that it was painful. Your body, seeking a remedy, pressed deeper into his with a slow, sensual tempo. The blood felt like it was burning through your veins, and every muscle clenched with the anticipation of release. 

His body understood your plea and began to guide your movements. The low, humming ache between your thighs had grown into a throbbing demand. This lust was an insatiable beast, only mollified by his touch.

“Benedict…” you begged breathlessly. The feel of his lips sucking your neck into his mouth was driving you to distraction. Your mind fantasized his warm, wet tongue exploring other parts of you.

His kiss never left your skin for more than a moment and his hands had found a new boldness. You could smell dried paint, a scent synonymous with him, as his fingers danced over your shoulder to the tied straps of your dress. When his movements stopped, you looked back at him to find his eyes silently asking your permission to continue. You gave your consent without question.

Nimble fingers made easy work of the bows holding the top of your dress to your body. The soft cotton fell around your waist, exposing your bare, heaving chest to the elements. The warmth of the sun soaked into the sensitive skin of your breasts, and the wind whispered over your nipples, puckering them with pleasure.

Benedict’s stuttered, appreciative breath quickened your heart. His heavy gaze was ravenous as he took in the sight of you. His teeth raked across his bottom lip, attempting restraint.

“Y/n, can I touch you?” he asked. Always the gentleman.

A sudden bout of nerves crept up your throat. This was all so surreal. It was Benedict. Your best friend. Your favorite person on Earth. What if this changed all that? You didn’t want to be without him. You couldn’t. 

For a moment, the two of you sat together in limbo. Your mind was trying to logic you out of this, but your heart understood a new truth. It was already too late to go back, to settle for a fraction of what he was offering you now. Your need for him had grown to encompass more than friendship. It would never feel like enough again. 

You took his hand in yours and led him to your soft, supple bust. Holding your breath, you waited. For what exactly, you weren’t sure. Maybe you were afraid of his dissatisfaction. The last man you let see you this way was fond of critiquing your body. Exposure was the scariest place to encounter judgment. There was nowhere to hide. The words heard there never leave you.

Disdain started to flicker in your mind. Remembering old words from a person who no longer held significance was pointless. And yet, how could you not remember? He had thought your breasts were too large. “Anything more than a handful was too much.”

You realized now, as Benedict’s warm palms grazed over you, that the problem never resided with you. That other man’s hands were simply inferior. Benedict held you with ease, cupping you securely in his grasp. His strong fingers kneaded gently, feeling your contours and curves. He silenced your insecurities and fueled you with courage. There was no need for pretenses. He already knew it all. Both the embarrassing and the unflattering. He knew, and he stayed. More than that, he knew and wanted you in spite of it all.

Inhibitions dissolved as you leaned into his touch. You were completely lost. Unaware of anything outside of desire.That’s probably why his sudden exclamation startled you.

“Don’t move!” His arm wrapped tightly around your body to cover you.

Panic set in as your mind ran wild over all the possibilities for his warning. The tall grass surrounding you provided a plethora of nightmares.

“Oh God, what?! Is there a snake?” Your skin crawled at the thought of the slithering serpent. 

His voice lowered to a whisper in your ear. “There’s someone there,” he replied. “They’re watching us.”

Standing just inside the nearest treeline you spotted a young woman frozen with indecision. She was close enough to make clear eye contact with and her expression was shouting a mortified apology. A professional looking camera dangled freely from the strap around her neck. Her photography excursion wandered into something more than landscapes. Although, you supposed this was still nature at its core.

The two of you remained locked in a silent exchange. You weren’t sure what you saw there that granted you permission, but you felt yourself relax in Benedict’s hold. 

“It’s okay,” you calmed him.

You reached up and slowly started to drag his hand down your stomach to the top of the bunched fabric at your waist. All the while never breaking your stare with the onlooking stranger.

Benedict’s breath hitched in your ear and his fingernails scraped across your tummy, releasing a fresh wave of need inside you. “Don’t stop, Ben. I need you.”

His entire hand splayed out over your lower abdomen, pressing you firmly into the insistent bulge throbbing between you. “Mmmm,” he groaned. “You’re an impatient little thing, aren’t you? All needy and squirmy, clutching your thighs together. Fuck, I bet you are soaking for me…”

“You could easily find out,” you challenged.

Reflexively, his fingers twitched with excitement. His voice went dark, forcing you to understand the serious nature of his words.

“Look at me,” he commanded. “Are you certain about this? Tell me clearly.”

You peered up into his face, focusing on only him. If he was nervous, he wasn’t letting on, but it was clear that he needed something more from you than just consent. 

“I need to feel you,” you instructed, guiding him firmly where you ached for him. You made sure to stay locked in to his gaze, leaving no room for miscommunication. “She can watch, or she can leave. I don’t fucking care, but I can’t wait. I’m aching, Ben. Make it better.”

The two of you gasped in unison when his long, capable fingers slid between your folds. 

“Darling, where are your knickers?” he asked, reveling in the feel of you. His teeth nipped at your jawline. “You’ve been open and exposed all afternoon, barely hidden by this fetching little frock, and I’ve just been a clueless sod playing with my paints.”

His slow, stroking motions stirred the beast inside of you. Your body purred for him, vibrating at a frequency only he could hear. It called for him, telling him exactly where you needed him next. He spread you further, and his middle finger took a scandalously languid dive to tease your pulsing entrance.

Your cunt sought out for him with a fluttering welcome, desperately willing him to push past the threshold. The thought of him sinking into you there had you writhing restlessly in his lap.

His tongue traced the contour of your ear. “Oohhh, yes. You liked that. I can feel it. Do you want more?”

“Mmmhmm,” you could only manage a half lucid whimper in response.

“Open your eyes,” he encouraged. “See how your body has inspired our voyeuristic friend.”

The beautiful stranger had taken a brave step out from under the cover of trees. Her face held a comforting familiarity that somehow made you feel safe. Even as she brought the zoomed lens of the camera to her eye to capture your image, you still felt no shame.

“Would you like to show her what a work of art your body truly is?” Finally, his devilish digit invaded your warmth, causing you to moan out in satisfaction. “That’s my good girl. Arch for her. Show her how gorgeous your skin is while it’s blushed with heat. Such a pretty color.”

You had never truly known what arousal was until that very moment. His velvety baritone in your ear combined with the depths of his reach within you, and the witness of the anonymous onlooker had brought you to a precipice that you were terrified to give way to.

Reading your body like braille, he partnered his ring and middle fingers, stretching you as they curled. His speed quickened as his pressure increased, manipulating your body to obey his commands. 

Your hips began to dance with his rough palm, providing a friction on your clit that stole all of the air from your lungs. Oblivion was almost there. Just a couple more inches and you could reach out and touch it. 

He could feel the beginnings of your climax start to pull his fingers in deeper to you. “That’s it, love. We’re almost there. Will you give it to me?”

You would have given him anything he asked for as long as he didn’t stop moving. The hand that you didn’t have held in a vice grip between your legs came to your aid, pinching one of your nipples, just on the right side of pain. 

His ministrations had delivered you over to the abyss. There were no outside sounds. Nothing to see but white hot pleasure. Nothing to keep you from blissfully floating away into forever. Your only tether was the feel of his heartbeat guiding you home. You listened to its call, slowly bringing your own in time to match his steady rhythm. You were one heart. One mind. One soul.

Color started to seep back into your world. His gentle voice coaxed you back to consciousness. “Breathe. I’m right here. Just breathe.”

The immensity of what you just experienced had dissolved you of all control. A sobbing laughter bubbled up your throat, and you recognized the searing heat of unshed tears behind your eyes. All you knew was gratitude.

You turned slightly in his arms so that you could reach for his face. Your lips burned into his, moving with hunger. Gladly, you opened your mouth to his tongue, allowing him to breathe life back into you. The taste of him washed over your senses, driving a primal instinct somewhere inside of you.

Lifting yourself slightly, you rose to your knees in front of him, gathering the hem of your dress so that it hung forward, leaving you completely exposed to the man behind you.

You reached for the collar of his shirt, yanking him to his knees so that the back of your body melded into the front of him. The feel of his body running along the length of you sent shivers coursing through you from head to toe.

His lips devoured the skin of your neck and his bite sank into the muscle at your shoulder. One strong hand wrapped around your throat, pulling you harshly against his muscular torso. 

His growl in your ear had you dripping for him all over again. “I’m going to fuck you. Do you understand?”

“Yes,” you said breathlessly. “Please, Benedict…”

You reached behind you, and the two of you worked together to pull his jeans away from his body. You didn’t have a chance to see him with your eyes, but you could feel the impressive size of him nuzzled between your cheeks as he ground into you.

You felt bereft when his arms released you, but his lips assured you that he was still there while he kissed his way from the nape of your neck and down your spine to the center of your back. One hand went to your hip to steady you and the other aligned the thick head of his cock with your pussy. 

“Ready?” he stilled.

“Now, Benedict. Right now.” You had never sounded so needy in your life.

Inch by satisfying inch, he pushed himself inside you. The stretch was unbelievable. Your body was made to accommodate him. He filled you to the edge of your limits, fitting around him so tightly that you could feel the steady thrum of his pulse thumping against your walls. 

“Fuuuuccck… You’re so warm. I love the way you hold onto me like that.” he praised you.

He only gave you a few more seconds to adjust before he started to move. With both hands on your hips, he repeatedly seated you in his lap, withdrawing slowly each time so that his tip caught around the ring at your entrance. When he entered you again, it was hard and deep. The pace was agonizing. Glimpses of the tingles he would bring you started to make themselves known as he introduced his body to every inch of yours.

Your eyes glanced up to find the photographer documenting your pleasure. She had lowered herself to the ground to explore new angles of your debauchery. You wondered if she was affected by the atmosphere. Would she go home and seek a release of her own. Would your heaving chest and Benedict’s feral noises bring her pleasure?

Benedict’s hand came back to wrap around your throat, effectively securing you to him again. The fingers of his other hand ventured below the fabric at your hips and found you swollen and throbbing.

“You like it that she’s watching, don’t you?” he smirked. “I like watching her watch you. If I can’t see your face, I can at least read hers to see how I’m doing.”

“Are my moans not enough? If you need me louder, I need you harder.” you laughed challengingly.

“Holyyyyy… Fuck, that felt food. I can feel you laughing from inside you.” his grip on your throat tightened a bit. “I want to make you laugh like that for the rest of your life.”

All traces of humor were lost now. His hold sealed around you, solidifying his promise of forever. Something inside of him flipped, and he thrust into you like it was the only thing keeping him alive. 

Deep, husky breaths panted into your ear between dizzying kisses. You started to tremble as every cell in your body responded to his urgent, pleading seduction. Searching for a way to ground yourself, you reached behind you to entwine your fingers in the hair at the base of his skull, tugging forcefully while hanging on for dear life.

“Oooohhhhhhh,” you gasped. “Oh, God! Benedict, yessss. You feel so good. Please. Please!”

“Hang on just a little while longer,” he beseeched. “Wait for me. I need us to come together.”

“Hurry Ben,” you warned. “I can’t… You feel…”

Stringing a sentence together was starting to become impossible. It took every ounce of focus you had to keep yourself from exploding around him. The desperate, punishing tempo of his hips was relentless. The lewd sounds your bodies made as they smacked together grew louder and louder with each powerful thrust.

Daring to glance across the field, you met the gaze of the daring beauty with whom you had shared this incredibly intimate experience. Even from a distance you could see her labored breathing as she lived vicariously through you. Her eyes were spurring you on, chasing the release as much as you were. There was something so erotic about the moment, and you couldn’t look away from her. 

The muscles of your core started to contract around Benedict’s cock. If he wanted to come with you, it had to be now.

“Benedict…” you whimpered.

“I know, baby. I know,” he soothed. “It’s okay. If you come, you’ll take me with you.”

The power that he had just put into your hands was weighty. Knowing that you wielded such control over him made you weak for him. It was a paradox you didn’t need to understand, you just knew it to be true.

His hand left your throat to tilt your face into his, foreheads pressed together in intimacy. “Eyes on me,” he ordered. “Don’t look at her. This part of you is mine.”

His dilated pupils were hypnotic. You couldn’t have looked away if you tried. “Come, y/n. Come for me.”

You had never been good at following orders but his voice lulled you into submission. His tone simultaneously made you eager to please, but also undoubtedly sure that he knew what was best in that moment. 

His kiss extinguished your scream of ecstasy as he burrowed deeper into your body. His movements had stopped, and you realized that it was you who continued to torturously milk his seed from his body and claim it as your own. The warmth lined your walls as he spasmed inside your cunt.

He lowered the two of you to the blanket, never leaving the safety of his newfound home inside your walls.

“I don’t want to leave you yet,” he whispered, kissing the top of your head. “Catch your breath. I’ll keep you full. We can drift away.”

Your eyes fluttered open, squinting as the sun beamed down onto your face. It was a warm, cinnamon summer. Rich colors saturated the atmosphere, spreading romantic hues along the horizon. Time seemed to slow, bringing you into stillness. You willed yourself to stay awake, determined to commit every moment of this to memory. But no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t fight it. His spell was pulling you under, washing over you in a peaceful calm. Wrapped safely in the heat of his embrace, you found rest.

“I love you,”he confessed, voice laced with sleep.

You brought his hand to your lips and kissed his palm. “You’re my favorite thing. The only one, Benedict. The only one…”

Neither of you knew if the woman still stood somewhere on the edge of your reality. It didn’t really matter anymore. It was just the two of you. The way it always had been. The way it was always meant to be.

~~~~~~~~~~

6 Weeks Later

Butterflies danced in your stomach as you waited patiently for Benedict to arrive at your house. He informed you earlier in the day that he had a surprise planned to celebrate your author recommendation being selected for publication. You were hoping it involved one of his signature home cooked meals and the removal of all his clothing.

You heard the keys clinking in the lock as he let himself in, bellowing out your name to alert you to his arrival.

“I’m in the kitchen,” you shouted down the hall.

He was wearing the most devilishly handsome grin as he sauntered into the kitchen carrying an ornately wrapped gift box.

“What’s this,” you asked with thinly veiled excitement.

“Just a little something to mark the occasion,” he replied. “Go ahead, open it.”

His impatience was endearing. He was clearly proud of whatever it was inside this box. You lifted the lid to find four framed black and white photos, all of which contained the memories of the most significant day of your life. 

You didn’t know how, but these were the photos taken by the woman in the clearing that day. She was an exceptional talent. The compositions themselves showed a great amount of skill, but the truly impressive part was the emotion she captured. 

From the looks of things, she had been in that clearing a lot longer than you had been aware. The first photo was of you and Benedict working side by side in silence. Your nose was buried in your reading, brow furrowed in angst, and Benedict was smiling sweetly, watching you read. 

The second photo was stunningly intimate. The two of you sat huddled on the blanket. Your eyes closed with an almost prayerful expression etched on your face, and Benedict with his head bowed, pressing his lips into the bare skin of your shoulder.

The last two were carnal. You felt the heat rush to your cheeks as you took them in.

Benedict’s voice startled you. “I told you your body was a work of art. Look how fucking gorgeous you are in these. Unguarded. Free…”

A lump formed in your throat as you fought the urge to cry. “How did you…?”

“Dumb luck,” he answered. “ I ran into our mystery woman a couple of weeks ago at that new gallery opening you refused to attend with me.”

You rolled your eyes. “I didn’t refuse to attend. I had the flu.”

“Same difference,” he smirked. “So, do you like them? She gave me all the negatives too. No one else will ever see these outside the three of us.”

“I love them,” you sniffled. “It’s our first time. Immortalized. They’re perfect. Thank you, Benedict.”

He shook his head and kissed you chastely. “No, thank you.”

“For what,” you queried.

“For loving me back.”

_______________________________________________

Tags - @faye-tale @eleanor-bradstreet @colettebronte @bridgertontess @angels17324 @musicismyoxygen84

[ultralightpoe]

Bigger Than The Whole Sky - Ethan Landry

Authors Note: I have been trying to find any sort of energy to post and get out of bed. Got so close to giving up on life itself and I'm barely back, please bare with me as I try to find my way out of my depression hole I have dug for myself everyone. I know it's been a minute but life has been kicking my ass. Be patient with me - Ultralight

Word Count: 3405

Warnings: thoughts of su!cide, angst, grief.

Apart of my MIDNIGHTS EVENT. (Next Event is Sour by Olivia Rodrigo. Requests closed. Event following yet to be decided)

SOUR EVENT

MAIN MASTERLIST

Enjoy!

No words appear before me in the aftermath

Salt streams out my eyes and into my ears

Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness

'Cause it's all over now, all out to sea

It all went numb at some point. 

You didn’t know when, and you weren’t really mad about it considering it helped with the stab wounds, but at some point after you found out you just…..lost it…….lost the spark. Every will to survive just vanished like smoke in the wind. You had no strength left. 

Police officers snapped in front of your face, desperate to get your statement on the events as medics panicked and tried to get your attention, yelling to each other that you were going into a state of shock as reporters filmed and yelled to get the scoop. You didn’t really think you were going into shock, no, shock was when you go frozen and cold from a traumatic incident. 

This…… this was just pure heartbreak. 

Ethan……….. Ethan had- 

And just like that you were leaning forward to spill your guts as the medic in front of you curses and backs out of the way, tears running down your cheeks hotly as you suck in a sharp breath. You had given absolutely everything to him, you had given EVERYTHING. 

And yet you weren’t angry or upset…… you were just numb. 

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

What could've been, would've been you

That feeling of numbness quickly passed, and you were left with an unending sadness that just made you tired. 

The news had already published the story over and over, his face took over your phone every time you opened any form of social media and you had yet to clear out all the photos you had taken during your relationship. There was no escaping it, not that you truly wanted to. 

You would never admit that to the others, since they had gone straight to anger. 

They just didn’t understand…. You always thought, which would bring a bitter laugh to your lips because what didn’t they understand? Sam had her boyfriend betray her, Tara lost her childhood best friend from it, Sidney fucking prescott had lost so many people to it. It was a tale as old as time. One falls in love, gets betrayed and stabbed and moves on. 

But you couldn’t move on, you couldn’t leave him. Ethan had stitched you up when you scrambled your way into his life, broken and torn after losing your brother Wes and your mother last round. 

He had saved you. 

“-Yes Mindy,” You snap, reaching a hand to cover your face as you pass a group of kids with their phones pointed at you, the overnight bag carried on your shoulder weighing you down a bit as your boots scuffed on the floor. “I have my taser.”

“I just don’t understand why you decided to walk by yourself in the middle of the night.” She scoffs, the sound of doja cat behind her. “You should’ve called me-”

“First off, my roommate brought a boy over, I hadn’t planned on this. Second of all, you realize I can hear your sex playlist in the background, right?” You fake a laugh for her, trying your best not to let her know you were scared because then she would leave Anika and you didn’t want her to do that since she had worked so hard to get this date. 

“Just call me when you get there?” 

“How about I send you a smiley emoji?” 

“If you send me an emoji I will-”

“Oh, I see a 7-11, I’m gonna stop and get your brother a slushie to ease my arrival. Gotta go-” You rush to hang up, ignoring her disapproval and dashing into the light of the gas station. 

By the time you make it to Chad’s dorm you are shaking and trying your best not to have a panic attack in the middle of the hallway. Arms full with snacks and slushees as you use your foot to pound on the door. 

You prepare a wide smile on your face for when he opens the door, shimmying to ease the tension in your shoulders, doing your best to seem happy. 

But when the door swings open it’s not the cocky smile of Chad that greets you rather than the nervous expression of the curly haired kid in one of your classes, staring at you with wide eyes. “C-can I help you?”

“Oh. Sorry. I was- uh- maybe I had the wrong room?” You blush, stepping back to survey the hall for room numbers. “Crap-”

“Who are you looking for? I know everyones rooms.” He offers, leaning out the door to survey the hall himself. “Dylan? Right? He has a lot of girls come in so-”

“Chad. Chad Meeks.” You snap, blush deepening at the Dylan comment. 

“OH! Yeah, in here. I’m his roommate.” The kid explains, stepping out of the way and widening the door. He waits a second, staring at you as you stare back wide eyed, the room behind him pitch black. He looks confused for a moment before turning to see what the problem was, jumping a bit when he realizes and twisting for the light switch. 

“Sorry- I was sleeping- I wasn’t doing anything else I swear.” He rushes out, shaking his hands. “I am not a creep I swear.”

“You still have the lotion on the shelf-” He whirls to look and you try to stifle your laughter, turning to the bed on the right. “Where is Chad?”

“He went to check on Tara or something. Should be back in like…. soon ?” 

“Okay. Cool. I can go to a coffee shop until he gets here then.” 

“What? Why would you do that? You can wait here no problem.” He shrugs, moving to sit at his desk. You wait a moment before pushing the slushee out to him. 

“Then here. You can have Chad’s slushee.” 

“Thanks.” He smiles, grabbing it softly. “You do the econ homework yet?” 

“We had homework?” You laugh, moving to grab the homework from him. 

Did some bird flap its wings over in Asia?

Did some force take you because I didn't pray?

Every single thing to come has turned into ashes

'Cause it's all over, it's not meant to be

So I'll say words I don't believe

Your court ordered therapist said that you might have relied on him too much, after being broken down from the last incident you had grasped onto the first kind soul you met. She believed that you were trying to fix the trust back, find the nice kind person you once had been. 

You believed she was just telling you anything to make you feel better, right before she stamped a red flag on your papers for ‘DANGEROUSLY DEPRESSED’ and prescribing you hundreds of pills that you would dump down the toilet and tell her you were taking. It was a fun game. 

But she might have been right about the relying thing.  Like walking around with a broken leg, relying on a crutch only for it to break and leave to tumbling down a hill straight into the knife of someone you completely trusted wearing a stupid mask because they were too chicken to face you-

“Y/n!” Chad calls, reaching a hand on your shoulder and squeezing as tightly as he could, which after all the nerve damage and stab wounds wasn’t really much. 

“I’m listening!” You rush, snapping to look at your four friends. 

“No you weren’t.” He laughs, pulling his hand back and keeping it close to him. “We were deciding dinner and if you were listening you would recommend what you always recommend-”

“Pizza.” 

“Oh. My. God.” He groans as Mindy reaches out to hug around your shoulders, pulling you tight. 

“Leave my sister alone.” 

“I’m your brother.”

“Chadward. Can you please just…..shhhhhh?” You ask, flipping him off. This draws a laugh from your friends and you imitate them, but your laugh isn’t the slightest bit real which leaves you feeling lost.  And a bit awkward. 

“You okay?” Sam asks, leaning closer to you so no one else hears. You nod, not trusting actual words to come out. She obviously does not believe it but you claim to be thirsty and leave for some water. 

“You’re actually telling me that you prefer Star Trek over Star Wars?!” Ethan asks, eyes wide as he walks beside you on the way to Econ, adjusting his shoulder bag so as to not let it fall.  “What is wrong with you?”

“More like what is right with me! You really like all that incest crap?”

“Oh…. you are going there?” he gasps and you shrug. “Then what do you think about the Targaryens, huh?”

He laughs when you stop short, thinking your reaction was due to his question, but in reality you had just seen someone design across the yard with a ghostface mask on, the football team laughing at the strangers antics. 

“What a jerk.” Ethan sighs when he finally spots it, moving to block your view as you both walk. 

It had been 2 weeks since you met Ethan, and ever since he had walked you to and from Econ which you found that you loved more than anything else. During these walks you got to argue over anything and everything nerdish, just easy and happy conversations. Plus you got to stand close to him which was always a plus since you loved how he smelled and his sweaters were always soft on your skin. 

“Did you do the homework?” You ask, changing the subject to get your mind off the douchebag in the mask. 

“Yes. And you can copy it when we get inside.” He laughs, shuffling past you to open the door quickly, holding it open for you with an easy smile. 

“After you, Spock.”

“Oh why thank you Han Solo!” You smile, flipping your hair as you walk past him. 

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

You spent your mornings in bed, the sheets tucked around you tightly like a butterfly in the cocoon, staring blankly at your wall.  In these moments you could barely muster the energy to lift your head from the pillow, eyes glazed with tears. 

What was the point of anything?  Why were you here when Ethan was……. Gone. Ethan, the brilliant kind soul that had an amazing future for himself was taken from the world while were wasting space. 

You were never as smart as him, not nearly as funny or great. You had no future, which was ironic considering you were the one here……unless. 

No. 

Don’t think about it, that was rule number one.

But it would make things so much easier. 

You wouldn’t do it. 

No one would miss you…..

For a second your body melts into the sheets as you think about it, all the possibilities and the freedom it would bring. No more getting out of bed and no more stares from people. No more ghostface -.

But you couldn’t, and you wouldn’t. 

So you stand, and force yourself to run a bath, sinking into the heat of it as you close your eyes, leaning back so you are completely submerged. Like the hot water could wash away your past, give you an entirely clean slate.

When your head hits the bottom, hands gripping tightly to the sides of the tub as you listen to your heartbeat under the water, the steady thump of it calming you down a bit while you open your eyes. 

And there he is, blurry through the water, leaning over the tub to watch you carefully. Almost as if he were scared……Ethan. 

Ethan was here, and he was scared. 

Ethan. 

“You were so nervous on our first date, remember that? And look at you now.” You tease, hitting Ethan’s shoulder with a twizzler while he fakes swagger, posing for you which leads you to cackle. “He said  ‘we’ll take the large popcorn AND the twizzlers.”

“You know it.”

“College boy has moneyyyyyyyyy-” For a moment you imitate throwing cash, making him dance under the imaginary paper, both of you humming out words to a random pop song. “Get it. Get it. Get it.”

“I’m rich…. And you suck!” He snaps, moving to walk off as you gasp. 

“And you are no longer getting laid!” 

“Wait- wait I didn’t mean it.” 

“Too late dork brains.”

“Gimme another chance here. I’ll splurge for a slushee.”

“You should have splurged for the slushee in the first place rich college boy.” You tease, walking past him. “I’m not cheap, you know. One of a kind over here.”

“Don’t I know it.” He blushes, moving forward to pull you close, walking with his arm over your shoulders. “You know I love you right?”

“I know.” You wink, smiling when he laughs at the Star Wars reference. “Now come on, we have a movie to watch.”

“Heck yeah.” He grabs your hand, leading you into the theater, checking behind him every couple of seconds to make sure you were still there and okay. Three months into dating Ethan and you were absolutely in love with the man. 

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

“Y/n!” He shouts, muffled by the water, reaching his hands into the water to pull you up. When you break the surface you are gasping and spluttering out, hands clinging onto his sleeves tightly with tears streaming down your face. 

“You’re here….” You sob, leaning out of the tub to hug him tightly, your face shoving itself into your shoulder as he wraps himself around you, his sleeves wet against your back while you sob into his shoulder.  “I missed you, you ruined my life.”

“I’m sorry, believe me, that wasn’t supposed to happen.”

“You’re not gonna leave again? Right?!”  

“No… no I’m here.” He whispers, moving to take his shoes off and climb into the tub, pulling you so your back was to his chest and wrapping his arms around you once more, his hoodie just as soft as it always ways and his cheek resting gently on your shoulder. 

“You need to focus.” You mumble, not looking up at Ethan as he stares at you. “We have a test.”

“Halloween is coming up.” He scoffs. “What’s the point?”

“Woah, what has been going on with you lately? Are you dying after halloween? Do you turn into a pumpkin when the clock strikes midnight?” You tease, looking up at him finally. “Seriously you keep talking like halloween is the end of it all.”

“I’m just stressed, that’s all.” He shrugs, moving to lay his forehead on your arm while you kiss the top of his head. 

“It’s date night tonight, what do you want to do-” Before you could finish the question his phone rings on the table, and he snatches it up when you look to see who is calling. 

“I’ll see you later, okay?” He rushes, kissing your cheek and leaving without another word. 

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

(What could've been, would've been)

What could've been, would've been you

(Could've been, would've been)

(Could've been, would've been)

Silence fills the room as you both sit there, the heat from the bath calming you down as you twist to lay your cheek on the arm he had on the edge of the bath, closing your eyes. 

“What’s the plan, Y/n?” He breaks the silence, taking his left hand and rubbing the wet hair off your forehead. 

“To sleep here and forget the world.”

“I meant the life plan.”

“Don’t have one.”

“Yes….you do.”

“I plan on-”

“Be serious. Tell me your plan.”

“Do I really need one?”

“With the thought you were having this morning? Yes.”

“How did you know about my thoughts?”

“You have a future you know.” He whispers. “You have an amazing future ahead of you, without me.”

“I don’t think I can make it….”

“You can. I know you can.”

“I just want to sleep…….can you just hum for me? Like you always do?” You cry, reaching up to touch his hoodie. 

“I can do that.” 

He put you in his hoodie the night you stayed over, snatching it from where you had thrown it on the ground in both your rushes to get to his bed, pulling your arms into the sleeves as he kissed up your arms. His lips graze your collar bone before he kisses up your neck, smiling when you close your eyes. 

“Come on, I’ll tuck you in.” He whispers, hugging you close as you both waddle to the bed, shuffling in together until you were both lying down. Your head on his chest as he hummed softly, after a moment you can’t help but laugh when you realize what he is humming. 

“Are you humming me the imperial march?”

“No!” He rushes which makes you laugh even more. “It is so not funny-”

“No no no, I loved it. Keep humming keep humming.” You whisper, moving to look up at him with your chin on his chest. “It was great.”

“Anyone ever tell you that you’re gorgeous?” He whispers back, bringing a hand up to rub a thumb across your cheek. 

“You….everyday. Like 10 minutes ago when you finished inside m-”

“WOW!” He interrupts, blushing and laughing. 

“You’re handsome.” You answer, leaning up to kiss him before laying back down. “Now keep humming.”

“I can do that.”

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye

You were bigger than the whole sky

You were more than just a short time

And I've got a lot to pine about

I've got a lot to live without

I'm never gonna meet

What could've been, would've been

What should've been you

When you wake up you are alone, in his sweater and in your pajamas, the bath cold and the sun streaming in. He wasn’t actually here, you realize, he never was. You had managed to sit in a bath fully clothed, and fall asleep. 

There is pounding on the door, drawing your attention quickly, making you rush to jump out to answer it. 

When you open the front door Sam is standing there, taking one look at your tear streaked face and soaked clothes before she is diving in to grab you in her arms. She holds you tight as you collapse, rocking you slowly as you sob into her chest. 

“I’m sorry!”

“It’s okay.”

“He did terrible things to us- and I can’t fucking get it together.”

“You’re doing great. There is no correct way to go about this.”

“I miss him.”

“That’s okay.”

“I wanted a future with him.”

“You deserved one.” And when Sam says it there was no malicious hint to it, just a soft understanding smile. “But you deserve a future after him too.”

“I cannot believe we are actually doing this.” You laugh, rushing past your friend to snatch your shoe from the bookshelf, you had no clue how it got there. “Ohmygod! Hurry hurry hurry!”

She laughs, letting you snatch her hand and rush you out the door, both of you running as fast as you can to the train stop. 

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” She mumbles, excitement written on her features as you both huddle together on the seat. While she panics you take a second to check your phone, smiling when you see that Sam had sent you the pictures from her wedding you attended months ago, both of you smiling widely.

The lights flicker on the train, and for a moment your heart stops, you take a second to look around……and for as long as it has been you are ashamed to admit you wait to see Ethan on the other side of the train. 

But he is not here and you were no longer there. 

You were in your future, living bigger than the whole sky just as he would want. 

Which meant Taylor Swift of course…….