#but i really do cherish my friendships here even if we’ve only spoken once or never at all

[newjenns]

love and appreciate you all very much

[belongtothewcrld]

Just wanted to say a few words about those who made my year ~ (SORRY THIS IS LONG) 

@idiot-juice-enthusiast​ - My sweet baby, where do I begin? I treasure you so much, I know I tease you a lot. BUT I am soo happy you decided to leave me an ask, despite you know, my stupidity. You are so funny and just, idk, BRIGHT. Maybe it’s because you’re still young or maybe it’s because you’re just a ball of light, idk. EITHER WAY. I am so thankful to have you in my life. When my friends slowly started leaving me in RL you were the first one who started to fill that void so like.... tHANKS. Happy New Year, my child! Love you!! 

@haikyuufairy - My shooting star, oh gosh. You not only have made my year by being my friend but by blessing me with stories that really shake up my whole existence LMAO. You are incredibly talented, and I just wish the best for you. You deserve so much happiness and success. You’re a beautiful soul inside and out, and the whole world should know it! I want you to know that I really do mean everything I’m saying, because you deserve to be showered in love and compliments. and as long as you keep me around, I will remind you of your worth. >:) I love you, and happy new year! 

@toikiwi​ - you peanut head, what should I even say to you. >:) You are very forgetful, funny and sweet. For some weird reason though you chose to care about me so deeply and for what??? I AM HORRIBLE. do I deserve your affection? probably not. BUT DO I APPRECIATE IT? yes. I never had a friend like you, and I’m really glad we met. ;-; you’re one of a kind. Love you and happy new year! 

@alluringeternity​ - my bestiee. we went from you sending me asks, to watching movies on zoom like I think that’s a whole ass victory. despite our time differences, we make this friendship work and I think that’s sexy ;) I really love talking with you, I know you once thought I’d get bored of you BUT HAHA BITCH IT NEVER HAPPENED. you’re stuck with me forever. I can’t wait until we meet up so then I can cling to you for all eternity. :D MWAHAH love you and it’s not the new year anymore for you so like happy Jan 2nd or something idk LOVE YOU 

@suna-r1n​ - lilyyy, my little duckie, my crybaby friend. I adore you, truly. I’ve never gotten so attached to someone so quickly until you LMAO. I mean I always loved when you would send me random messages but then we ended up talking much more frequently and honestly it was everything. You are so sweet and just... squishy. I’m really glad we became friends and started talking more, because you really are someone I cherish and want to protect >:) so be safe this new years eve, little shit! I love you.  

@4fterh0urs​ - Pheebz you crazy ass ho. JK. You’re just crazy ;) But I respect it. You have made me laugh so many times from the shit you post idk you’re just cool, I GUESS!? You’re also v moral I FEEL? sometimes when everyone else is silent about shit that’s fucked you’re not and I really respect you for it. I feel like we’re similar in weird ways and I really love talking with you. I hope you have a great new years eve, bbs!! love youu. 

@chaichai-the-weeb​ - my fellow Canadian!! I’m still pressed we haven’t met in RL yet but IT WILL HAPPEN!! I’m really glad I ended up messaging you when you left tumblr awhile ago, because now I feel like we’ve become such good friends. ;-; You and I don’t have the best track record with friends but HEY at least now we have each other? It’s amazing though how quickly we went from strangers to good friends LMAO our personalities really work. <3 I know you’re spending today watching anime lol so ENJOY IT. I love you and happy new years! 

@haikyuusimp91​ - my law school buddy ;-; You not only support the fuck out of my stories but you are an amazing friend. anytime I have law school worries you’re always there for me and I love it so much. I appreciate all you do, even if I don’t say it enough! you put up with me and my psycho ass and honestly idk how you do it BUT I’M GLAD YOU DO. I really hope this year treats you better because you fucking deserve it all. I love you a lot, missy ;-; Sometimes I feel like you’re the older sister I never had - BUT LIKE DON’T BE WEIRDED OUT OK DFGHJKL love YOU BYE (AND HAPPY NEW YEAR) 

@aquariarose​ - my little bodyguard. I have never met anyone with a heart like yours. gold. you are fucking GOLD. at first when we didn’t talk much, I would love whenever you talked about my stories with me. because you always seemed so happy about them and it would make my whole day!! I love talking with you daily and hearing about your life, because honestly girl you living in a shoujo manga LMAO. GO GET YOUR MAN OKAYYYYY hahah I love you sm!! I hope you have a great new years! 

@bloody-bella - BELLA OH BELLAAAA, MY SWEET BELLAAAA. hi. :D can I start off by saying you have a cute af voice? like excuse? okay back to the point, YOU. your support is why I was able to finish my stories TRUST ME. your little cute comments and asks, it gave me the courage to * write * LOL. I’m so glad that you joined my among us game and started talking with me more ;-; because I really do wanna get to know you more!! I feel like we may lowkey be twinsies in odd ways ;) BUT I hope you have a lovely new years eve my love!! <3 

@yourstarvic - vic the hoe ho. somehow you went from this funny girl with a CRINGE ass UN to one of my good friends?? Your support for my stories has always meant so much to me. I’m always looking forward to hearing your thoughts and listening to you scream about shit LOL. I’m glad we started talking more, because I love your company. Even when you’re telling me something weird af or being horny for NO ASS REASON. You’re a weird one but I love ya. Have a happy new year! 

@nerdyphantomlady​​ - my angel of music! you are sucha joy. I adore you so much. I’m really glad that I started talking with you more because you’re sO DAMN CUTE. talking with you melts my heart because you’re just this small ADORABLE BEAN WHO I LOVE. I know you don’t understand iT BUT I AM RIGHT. I know you’re worried about your test coming up but I know 2021 is gonna be your year! MWAH. I love you and happy new year! 

@pha2nt0m​​ - gOSH I just need to tell you that you were the reason I was able to finish “let’s do it again” your support means the world to me!! you’re so damn sweet and supportive like idk what I would have done without you??? so thank you so much. I really hope this new year brings you happiness, success and good health!! <33

@newfriendjen​​​ - Jen, I love you WHAT THE HECK. You were one of my first followers, in the early days ;-; and you supported me with your whole heart and I CAN NEVER SAY THANK YOU ENOUGH. The thing that I love about you is that you’re not one of those cocky asshole writers who think they’re god’s DFGHJ like you are kind, supportive of others and talented? like SHIT??? you deserve everything because you are the whole package!! you are honestly the ideal - AAAH. I love this new year brings you love and happiness!! <3 

@sugawarabby​​​​ - my lovely, we’ve spoken only a handful of times but each time meant a lot to me! you’re a true delight and I really wish you the best for the next year. I know 2020 wasn’t the best for you but you deserve a happy, love-filled 2021. MWAH. <3

@vicassa​​​ - my love, you and your support to my stories is unmatched. I know you think that spamming me would bother me but it never did! I loved talking with you and hearing about your days. when you’re less busy, come talk with me again, hm? Because I loved talking with you. You’re a sweet sweet little bean and I adore you so very much. ;-; But happy new year!! 

@hyskoa1998​​ - hi my love. our schedules rarely match up but I always loved reading your reactions and talking with you ;-; I hope we can talk more this year because I really do wanna be your friend IF YOU WILL HAVE ME. But happy new year! I hope it’s an amazing one. 

@tsukkismamagucci​​​ - your comments on every single smau - GOLD. everything you post is just so funny or accurate!! everytime your name popped up in my notifications I would be so excited!! or whenever you sent me asks my heart would make some weird ass noises. ;-; so thank you for being so wonderful. I love you and happy new year!! 

@kara-grayson04​​ - one of my first friends on here, and a whole ass little fighter! Thank you for supporting me in my early days on my writing account and for spamming me with funny stuff! you’re someone with a bright future ahead of you and I really wish you the best for 2021! 

@chibishae34​​​ - MY OIKAWA PROTECTION SQUAD BUDDY. I have told you this before but again, you are too good for this world and me. I can’t believe you’ve been here since my first smau and it took me so long to start talking with ya. :( that’s my regret for the year. I wish we started talking sooner because you’re sucha joy. thank you for being the amazing person you are though, your support and friendship mean so much to me. I hope you have an amazing 2021. MWAH. 

@chocolaterumble​​ - you’re not even on tumblr anymore eh? BUT when you see this, know that I appreciated everything you did for me and our conversations. you’re a kind idiot who really needs to develop a backbone. :)) I say that in the nicest way possible :* Just know 2021 is YOUR year, so make it your bitch. you can have the whole world if you try putting your effort into things that matter. just learn to believe in yourself, aLRIGHT? because you’re fucking awesome. 

@dope-squish​​​​ - one, wHERE THE HECK ARE YOU? I hope you’re okay and safe. ;-; I miss you. it’s not the same without youuu. who else will make my day with funny reactions and memes? but for when you do read this, thank you for being...you. You are so unique, funny and just talented. idk. you’re spectacular like spiderman. thank you for being my friend and supporting me. I hope the new year treats you well. <3 love ya! 

@swoonhui​​​ - my silly love! thank you for supporting me through it all and trusting me with your troubles. I always love seeing messages from you or asks, because you really are wonderful and likeee I WANT TO PROTECT. haha. I hope you’re having a safe and happy new years eve, missy!! Stay happy. I love you. 

@astronomyturtle​​ - shout out for being one of my first supporters and for being a full on badass!! hahaha. no but really. you are amazing, and I really want to thank you for everything. you supported my shit stories and my good ones, and that really means so much. I hope you have a great new years!! 

@dreamstormings​​ - hellooo, I just wanted to thank you for your support. it means sosososo much to me. and regarding the stuff we talked about recently, everything you said just demonstrates what a wonderful person you are. thank you for ... existing >:) and happy new year! <3 

@rajablast​​ - hii, I just wanted to thank you for always sending me kind and sweet asks ;-; it really means a lot to me. I hope you have an amazing new years eve or new years day!! <3 

@elianetsantana​ - hii. ;-; I know we only started talking recently but it made me really happy so pls don’t be weirded out by me adding you here. <3 I hope in the new year we can talk moree! because you seem super lovely. ;-; 

[floatingpetals]

What Have I Done? || Epilogue

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of past traumas, fluff(Is that really a warning tho?)

Word Count: 3900+

Summary: A bad break up between Bucky and his ex leads to a new friendship with the quiet tech he never had the chance to get to know. Relationships grow, feelings are caught, and boundaries are explored. Bucky thought he found his happy ending, but old memories haunt his future. He knows what he’s doing wrong, dangerous even, but he can’t help it. Can he fix the wrongs he’s done? -a requested story for @iheartsebastianstan​

**THIS IS AN 18+ STORY, SO PLEASE NO MINORS!

A/N: And I oop-. This has been a long time coming, huh? Thank you for everyone being so incredibly patient with me. I hated how long I’ve been fighting this, don’t know why it was so hard to finish either. I hope you all enjoy the last bit of their story! Let me know what you think and enjoy!!

Gif is not mine, credit to the creator. text dividers credit: @writeyourmindaway​​

Chapter 12 | Epilogue | Series Masterlist

Six months later:

“Come on Wolf!”

Bucky chuckled at the shout from outside the little oasis he’d been living in the past six months and zipped up his bag with the last of his things. Even though he was excited, there was the bubbling apprehension that was festering in the pit of his stomach. Today was the day. The day he was given clearance from his therapists to go back to the compound and restart his life.

“The jets not going to wait forever for you!”

Bucky fondly rolled his eyes and threw the bag over his shoulder before he shot one last look over the room. Sighing softly, he headed towards the door.

“I’m coming. Chill.” He shouted back.

Shuri leaned against a fence post outside, flipping through her holographic messages. When Bucky opened the door, she glanced up and swiped the message clear. She beamed and pushed off the post.

“Finally. I thought I was going to have drag you out by your ear.” She smirked.

“Hey, the only person who can do that is my mother or sister, and I’m pretty sure you’re neither.” Bucky shook his head and brushed passed her. Shuri giggled and skipped alongside him, her arms clasped behind her back with her trademark smirk.

“I would say I’m a little offended you don’t see me as your little sister after all we’ve been through. You keep coming back no matter how many times I scare you off.” Shuri teased, nudging Bucky’s side with her elbow.

Bucky laughed and shook his head. Over the past six months, Bucky had grown closer to Shuri than he had been before. He’d spend hours at her lab, letting her tinker on his arm between his trips to therapy sessions and helping the farmers in the fields. Her cheer and sarcastic attitude was something he didn’t know he needed. She helped make things easier dealing with the separation from the people he loved back home and dealing with the trauma he’d gone through. It was like she was his own personal cheerleader who was willing to smack him in the back of the head when he’d go too deep in his dark thoughts. She didn’t let him get away with much. Anything, really.

Therapy itself was exhausting but also life-altering. There wasn’t one second where he doubted his decision to come here. He needed this. If he hadn’t gotten help when he did, Bucky feared to know where he would have been. There was no doubt in his mind things would have gotten worse and everything he loved, even the woman he cherished, would have abandoned him without a backward glance.

Now though, he knew what went wrong. He knew he wasn’t anything Vivian said to him. He was important, he did mean something to several people. And he still tangled occasionally with this, he acknowledged he isn’t a monster. He never was and now he could finally breathe easier. The little voices in the back of his head weren’t gone, of course, the therapist told him they’d never truly be gone, but now he knew how to separate them from the truth. 

Their only goal was to bring him down, to tear him and all his hard work to pieces. And now he had the tools to fight back. He’d still have therapy once a week, Bucky wasn’t completely ready to give that up yet, but they could easily be done over the phone or by video call now. He no longer needed to be here.

“Are you excited about going back?” Shuri asked, pulling Bucky back to the present. He hummed and nodded, despite the butterflies in his stomach. Shuri narrowed her eyes at him, catching the hesitancy in his lackluster reply. “That’s not a very convincing answer, Sargent.”

Bucky exhaled loudly and ran his metal hand through his hair. He knew what she really meant; he just didn’t want to answer it. Truthfully, he was terrified. A long time had passed since he left. Things have changed, and he hadn’t left on a positive note. There was a high chance Y/N took his words to heart and moved on. Bucky wouldn’t blame her. He treated her like she was nothing more than a possession. Y/N deserved better than that. Nevertheless, it didn’t stop him from hoping she might give him another chance.

“Bucky.” Shuri stopped in front of him, her face serious. Bucky blinked. “You don’t have to go so soon if you need more time. You were just cleared today. We would understand if you needed to stay and you’re always welcomed here.”

Warmth bubbled in Bucky’s chest, a tiny smile spreading on his lips. It felt nice to be welcomed somewhere. Everyone here greeted him with open arms. This was his second home and as much as he would love to stay, he needed to go home to his first. He couldn’t hide forever.

Inhaling deeply, Bucky let out a steady breath and smiled widely. For the first time in forever, Bucky felt light and free. Yes, he was ready and optimistic about whatever the future held.

“Yeah.” Bucky beamed, his happiness shining in his eyes. “I’m ready to go home.”

“Requesting clearance for landing.”

Bucky buckled in his seat, inhaling nervously through his nose as Okoye made her decent. There was a frustrated grumble on the intercom that brought an amused smirk to his face.

“Oh for the- Just land the damn jet.” Tony huffed through the speaker. Bucky shot a curious glance over to where Okoye sat at the helm. She had an amused smirk on her face and winked at Bucky when she caught him staring. Bucky laughed, realizing it wasn’t because she was going by the book, not in the slightest. Apparently, not even she was above riling up Tony.

As the jet began its descent, Bucky felt the nerves in the pit of his stomach increase with each passing second. There was no turning back now, he couldn’t run away if he wanted to. Besides, Okoye wouldn’t hesitate to drag him by the back of his neck if he tried to bolt. Not that he would.

After a smooth landing, Bucky shakily stood to go to his bag. He’s been on missions where he might never return home from, faced villains that would turn anyone’s blood cold, but this- seeing everyone after how he left things. This was terrifying. He tried to tamp down his nerves and push aside the bubble of uncertainty that rose in his throat.  

“I hope you don’t mind. Peter and his friends have invited me out to go see a movie.” He heard Shuri say to her brother. T’challa hummed and walked to the ramp as it lowered.

“I expected you to leave. Take Okoye.” He replied. Bucky slung his bag over his shoulder, grinning wide at the whine from Shuri and the frustrated scoff that came Okoye.

“I’m sorry. Would I be a buzzkill, your majesty?” Okoye asked tartly. Bucky walked up behind them to follow down the ramp, his grip tight on the handles to his bag. Shuri rolled her eyes and sent the older woman an annoyed glare.

“I’m not a child.” Shuri argued. “I don’t need a baby sister.”

“And yet, you were the one that filled the throne room with the chickens that took half the staff and me the entire day collecting.” T’challa replied simply, completely unfazed. Bucky snickered. He might have helped with a few chickens. “Consider this payback for the chicken shit we were covered in.”

Bucky turned to the laugh at the bottom of the ramp, spotting three faces he worried seeing and quickly looked at his feet. Tony stood at the bottom of the ramp, hearing the argument and smirked at the two siblings. Beside him stood Steve and Natasha, both looking excited and happy to see everyone. Bucky couldn’t meet any of their eyes, still too nervous that they harbored some resentment from him. 

He hadn’t spoken to any of them since he left, both he and the others agreeing that contact would be nonexistent until he was given the okay. T’challa would occasionally let them know how Bucky was doing, but it wasn’t often. He was supposed to tell them he was coming home, but he couldn’t even find the courage to pick up the phone. Instead, he sent a short email of the news and left it at that. An email, he scoffed to himself. I couldn’t even send them a text.

T’challa stepped away from his sister and greeted Tony with a wide smile and clasped the man’s offered hand in a shake. Bucky heard them say their hellos, a few snips between siblings thrown in here and there. Hesitantly, he raised his eyes to look them over and noticed there wasn’t the one person he hoped would be there. His heart dropped. Y/N was nowhere to be found. T’challa walked off with Tony and Natasha, his sister and Okoye following close behind, leaving Bucky alone with Steve.

Steve waited for Bucky, his hands tucked in his pocket and a gentle smile on his face. Bucky stopped at the bottom of the ramp, his feet refusing to take the last step off.

“How ya doin’ pal?” Steve asked, his voice void of malice and resentment. In fact, he sounded happy to see him. It surprised Bucky. Of all people he expected to hold the grudge, he expected Steve to keep a firm grip on that. Blinking, Bucky swallowed and nodded.

“I’m doing better.” He mumbled. “A lot, actually.”

Steve didn’t say anything. His eyes traced over Bucky, searching for something in his friend. He must have liked what he saw, his smile stretched across his face. Wordlessly, Steve opened his arms and closed the distance, pulling Bucky into a tight hug. All the fear and anxiety left Bucky in an instant, his shoulder sagging in relief. He returned the hug full-heartedly, squeezing Steve in a way to convey his relief.

“We missed you, Buck.” Steve said genuinely as he pulled away. Bucky’s breath hitched and he stared in disbelief at Steve with wide eyes. Steve chuckled and jerked his chin to the hangers' door. “Come on.”

Steve led Bucky through the familiar halls, asking any and all questions pertaining to his time away. Bucky found it easy to slip back into joking with his friend, and the realization that in the last few months before going to Wakanda, Bucky had shut himself away from Steve. From everyone for that matter. He missed his friend.

Bucky knew what Steve meant when he missed him. It was a big topic the therapists worked on in their sessions Steve didn’t mean he just missed him while he was gone, he meant he missed him period. Bucky might have found a lot in Y/N, but he quickly understood he lost a lot of himself along the way by listening to the voices that told him otherwise. Now, he was going to do everything he could to keep from falling on old habits. He had to. There was no way he could put anyone else through this again.

Steve stopped outside the living room, standing off to the side a wide crooked smile.

“We figured you’d want some time to yourselves. Everyone’s going to the lake house Tony bought a few weeks ago for the afternoon. We’ll be back around seven for dinner.” Steve clapped a hand on his shoulder and took the bag Bucky still held. “I’ll go put this in your room. And good luck.”

Bucky frowned at how obscure his friend was being. He watched Steve disappear around the corner before shaking his head. Stepping into the living room, Bucky froze when he saw who was sitting on the couch.

Y/N looked up when she heard him walk in, her heart in her throat. She sucked in air sharply at the sight of Bucky standing in front of her. Her eyes raked over his form, taking in his appearance. He looked good. His skin was bronzed from no doubt being out in the African sun, his hair was pulled back into his signature bun. But his eyes, his eyes were what made her heart soar. No longer did he have the dark bags under his eyes, or the glossed over appearance in his blues. They were crystal clear and staring right back at her with an expression of longing. Y/N’s face burned, and she willed herself to shake off the astonishment and smile.

“Hi.” She said.

“Hi.”

The two didn’t know what else to say, didn’t know where to start. There was a lot that needed to be said, a lot of pain that was between them. Bucky counted to three before inhaling deeply. He waved to the empty spot beside her on the couch.

“Is it oaky for me to sit?” He asked. Y/N nodded and moved over to make more room, tucking her leg to her side and angled to face him. Bucky settled onto the familiar couch, his own matching smile on his face. Y/N knew she missed him when he was gone, but she never realized just how much until he was right there, within reaching distance. She could count his eyelashes, could see the health pink in his cheeks. She missed him so much.

Bucky rubbed a sweaty palm on his jeans and exhaled loudly.

“I uh… I missed you.” He winced at the lame start of a conversation. Thankfully, Y/N didn’t mind. She tilted her head to the side and giggled softly.

“I missed you too.”

Bucky forgot how much he loved her voice. His heart did a funny flip in his chest and it took him all his willpower not to melt into the couch.

“I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room.” Bucky began. Y/N sat a little straighter, her face dropping to a serious expression. There was no beating around the bush for this one. “There’s nothing I can say to ever express how sorry I am for the horrible way I treated you.”

“Bucky-.”

“No,” Bucky shook his head, his tone firm but gentle. “We can sit here and argue till we’re blue in the face, but I did. I treated you like an object that was mine to keep and hold. I didn’t give you the respect you needed or deserved. I let my fears and insecurities rule my emotions. I thought if I beat them to punch before they could be proven right that I’d win somehow. In the end all it did was hurt the woman I love. And God, I’m so sorry I ever did. You were my rock. You helped me bring me out of my lowest point and I essentially spat in your face.”

Y/N didn’t respond. She glanced down at her hands, listening intently at what Bucky was saying. Bucky, however, was trying to keep his voice from breaking. No amount of therapy could have ever prepared him for difficult this conversation was. It needed to be done, but god if it didn’t sting.

“I don’t know if you could ever forgive me, and quite frankly, I wouldn’t blame you if you decided you never wanted to speak with me again.” Bucky finally said after a moment of silence. Y/N’s head snapped up and her eyes went wide. “I just want you to know, I will never, ever allow myself to become what I was ever again. I can’t say I’m fully healed, don’t think I ever will be, but I can damn well promise you that I will do everything I can to keep from going back. I can’t go back. Not to what I had become.”

Y/N couldn’t stop the tears that swelled to her eyes, the conviction and determination he spoke with shook her to the core. She hadn’t seen him in months, seeing him was overwhelming as it was, but this brought the flood of emotions she’d been keeping inside since the day he left.

He wasn’t the only one who went to therapy. Tony and Steve both agreed, that while Bucky might not have been intentionally abusive, he had toed the line rather closely. Of course, both agreed after a day or two to cool their heads that Bucky never meant her any harm. At least not knowingly. Nevertheless, they wanted to make sure Y/N was okay, that she could talk with someone who knew what they were doing about what she went through. Much like Bucky, Y/N found a little bit of determination to not let things go back to the way they were when he would come back home.

She knew her limits and had control of the voice she was finding in herself when she was with him. Her therapist helped her realized that yes, Bucky did hurt her, but he wasn’t bad. This wasn’t him. He was sick and was getting help. Help he willingly went for. She talked through whatever hidden resentment she had and it helped her see things in a new light. She wasn’t the shy quiet woman from six months ago who was too scared to speak up. Now she found a strength she didn’t know she had and Bucky inadvertently helped her find it.

Even at the end of the day, after talking through everything and working past the hurt, Y/N knew one thing. She still loved him. Fully and completely, she was head over heels in love with the man. If anything, this made her realize just how much she missed and cared about it. How seeing him in pain brought her more agony than she could have ever described. Having him here, in front of her pouring out his heart only made that awareness even stronger.

Reaching to take his hand in hers, Y/N scooted closer so that her side was against his. Bucky held his breath, stunned at how easily she moved against him. He expected her to recoil, to tell him she heard enough and had already decided that this, what they had was history. Yet, when she tilted her head back to stare at him, her eyes shown with love and understanding that Bucky never thought he’d ever deserved. He took in a deep breath, his eyelashes fluttering shut when he took her smell. Warm as honey and sweet with a hint of citrus. She smelt like what home was to him.

“Bucky,” Y/N whispered, leaned forward to press her forehead against his. Bucky hummed and opened his eyes. “You weren’t in your right state of mind, the trauma you went through in your past was still fresh and then when you threw in Vivian and her treatment to you? It was only a matter of time before you snapped. I know that deep down you never would have hurt me, but we didn’t have the tools you need- that we needed to get you through this.”

“I still hurt you though.” Bucky interjected. Y/N sighed softly and nodded, sitting back to see Bucky’s face better.

“You did.” She didn’t argue. Bucky’s shoulders dropped and he turned away. Y/N cupped his cheek, bringing his face back to hers with a gentle smile tugging at her lips. “And I forgave you a long time ago. I could never hold something like this against you. We’ve all had those demons in our heads that do nothing but tell us lies and lead us to become worse than what we really are. I only wish we could have helped you sooner before it turned into what it had.”

“How can you just forgive me so easily?” Bucky asked astonished. Y/N tilted her head to the side the smile stretching across her lips at the shocked look on his face. He really didn’t know.

“It’s simple.” She shrugged. “Because I love you.”

Bucky swore his heart exploded in his chest. The hope he had suppressed sparked to life and began to spread. His therapists told him he was still too hard on himself. It’s not that he didn’t believe them, but he wasn’t going to get his hopes up only for them to crash and burn when she’d tell him to leave and never talk to him again. He knew his girl was different, but he really hadn’t thought she was ready to forgive him so soon. The shock hit him, and it was written across his forehead in big bold letters.

“You-.” He stammered, swallowing thickly. “You do?”

“Of course I do.” Y/N laughed and snuggled closer against him. She wrapped an arm around his shoulder and tugged at his neck so she could press her forehead against his. Bucky’s melted in her hold; his eyes fluttering shut on instinct. No matter how long they’ve been apart, his body never forgot how safe he felt when he was around her. When she started to scratch the spot on his neck behind his ear with her nails, Bucky felt a rumble build in his chest and a blissful grin spreading across his lips.

“I’m not saying I’m willing to just jump back into where we were.” Y/N began softly. Bucky tensed, his eyes fluttering open. “Things have to be different if you want us to stay together. And I’m more than willing to work out anything we need to work out to make that happen. I do love you, and I’m sorry if this sounds a little selfish, but I’m not willing to let you go.”

Bucky let out a breathless laugh, gobsmacked. He slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her to his sit on his lap. Y/N’s laugh echoed his, a sound he missed hearing the most, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

He stared up at her, a light in his eyes that Y/N hadn’t seen in months. She was right of course; this wasn’t going to be swept under the rug and ignored. They had done that for too long before and look where they ended up. He would do whatever he could to show her that there was no going back to six months ago. That Bucky was a thing of the past. Things were going to be different and for the better.

“To be completely honest, I wasn’t willing to let you go either,” Bucky whispered softly. “But I sure as hell wasn’t going to force you to stay with me if you decided you wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Oh really?” Y/N smirked. “Just like that? You’d walk away and that be that?”

“Yeah.” Bucky answered truthfully. “If you told me right now you wanted absolutely nothing to do with me, that you wanted me to get out of your life, I’d leave. No questions asked.”

“What? Really?” Y/N inhaled sharply.

“Yeah. I mean, it would hurt like hell, but I wouldn’t want to be the reason for your discomfort. Not anymore.”

Y/N stared down at him, the tears starting to well in her eyes for the second time that night. Bucky frowned, cupping her cheek and brushing the stray tear with his thumb.

“I mean it.” Bucky murmured softly. “You mean everything to me. If you give me another chance, I swear, I will make up for all the shit I put you through and then some.”

Y/N’s stared intently, a little crease starting to form between her brows. Slowly, a smile stretched on her face and she chuckled softly. Leaning forward, Y/N brushed her nose against him and tightened her arms around his neck. Bucky’s breath hitched and his grip around her waist tightened while his smile grew to match her own.

“Then I guess you better start making up Barnes. Cause I’m not letting you go.” Y/N whispered breathlessly against his lips before closing the gap. Fireworks exploded and a rush of euphoria swept over Bucky. He returned the kiss with equal vigor, savoring the taste and feel of his girl against him.

He didn’t know what he had done to deserve this, a woman who loved him despite all his faults and sins, but he wasn’t going to mess this up. Not ever again.

What Have I Done Tag List: (CLOSED)

@slender–spirit / @lilypalmer1987 / @dennnnny-just-wants-friends / @barricade15 / @sarahblueheaven / @aveatquevale- / @starkxpotts / @runnyperson / @neireav / @sgtbookybarnes / @swtwtrgin / @wearemightyghosts / @blushybryan / @alex–awesome–22 / @rebelfleur22 / @joannie95 / @sarcasmoverlordxo / @consumedbyfanfics / @huburtle / @farfromjustordinary / @badassbaker / @shynara51 / @imagine–trash / @robfangirl / @buckywhoops / @sonarsyndor / @ughofcourse / @heartssick / @itsmysticalmystery / @meowchickameow / @ambivalence-is-me / @marvelellie / @lkcarts / @littlephoenix-fire / @heartssick / @xxkimmilyxx / @crist1216 / @sideeffectsofyou / @slender–spirit / @phoenixwintersolo / @misplacedorphan / @diinofayce / @anamcg317 / @kimpun / @darkangeldesignstudio / @misplacedorphan / @otaku-dess / @sarcasmoverlordxo / @thegothicdancer / @withinthewallsofmybrain / @polar-bear-pjs / @scarletsoldierrr / @awesome-hoch-3 / @catsandbooksinafarawayplace / @wishingforahome / @lokissoul / @xxkimmilyxx / @shirukitsune / @hennessy0274-blog /

Let me know if I missed you, the strike means I can’t tag you for some reason.)

[willowknee]

Changes- George Imagine

Title: Changes People: George X reader, ImAllexx Word count: 1790 Warnings: Swearing Songs to listen to: N/A Prompt/request: “I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me” A/N: This is the second Angst one-shot for George, one with a happier ending than the last 

Being best friends with Alex and George definitely came with its perks, for one, you were never lonely and you never had to worry about being judged for the stuff you watch or the games you like to play, you always had someone to go out for meals with, and you had your own personal councillors who only charged in snacks. On the other hand, it definitely had its disadvantages too, for example, the fact that you were desperately in love with one of them.

One George Andrew. 

For the most part, you were fine, you got on like you would any other time, and if you ever got shy, you would always find a way to play it off and pretend that you were acting shy when he made certain comments or jokes. But there were times where your Grammy worthy acting fails you, and that’s when you became jealous.

You would say you were close to George, really close, you confided in him about your past and all your worries and he confided in you too. That’s why it came as such a shock when out of nowhere George got a girlfriend. Just to clarify, it wasn’t you. You were taken aback, it seemed so out of nowhere, he had never mentioned talking to anybody or even having any interest in anyone.

You were hurt, to say the least, were you more invested in this friendship than he was? You hated being jealous, it was the one thing you hated the most about yourself, how easily you became jealous and how harsh you became, you hated it and you tried to avoid it as much as possible, to the point you refused to develop feelings for people in fear of getting hurt, but with George, it happened so fast and so hard there was literally no way you could have stopped it. You fell head over heels for him and for once, you didn’t mind.

When you looked at George you feel your breath literally catch in your throat and when he smiles at you, you can’t help but smile back, even if you had been sobbing your eyes out mere seconds before. The playful banter between you both is something you will always cherish, the times at 4 am when you were both still awake sat at the kitchen counter eating Alex’s cereal straight out of the box even after being told off multiple times by Alex himself for doing so, fights over what you would be playing, FIFA (George’s choice) or the new Modern Warfare (your choice). 

Every moment with George felt like a treasured memory, but after he started dating his girlfriend he became cold, distant, once instant replies now took days to come through, and even then they were short and somewhat evasive. He no longer had time to meet up and spend time, even if you were at Alex’s and George’s apartment, he was either out or in his room with her doing god knows what. 

When George first introduced you and Alex to her, you felt yourself distancing mentally, something you had done since a young age to help deal with stress, a coping mechanism as such, it was weird, really, you could handle stress. Art GCSE coursework? Fine, understaffed at work? No problem, but when it comes to emotional stress that’s where you seriously struggle. 

She seemed… nice. You weren’t exactly sure what to make of her, she seemed to love Alex, was joking around with him freely but when it came to you, she seemed to have a problem. You weren’t sure if it was your brain just making up the evil glares and dirty side-looks but you knew you felt off about her, she clearly didn’t like you. You knew that would cause a problem, how could you and George continue to be friends if his girlfriend had a problem with you? 

And you were right, of course. It did put a massive strain on your friendship with George, which ended up in a massive fight. 

“We’ve been best friends for so fucking long, George! You’re seriously going to throw that away because of your new girlfriend who has a problem with me- for no apparent reason?!” You scream, finally catching him alone in his front room, his girlfriend nowhere to be seen and Alex had just popped to the shops.

“She is my girlfriend, for fuck’s sake, Y/N, grow up! I’m not a kid! I like this girl and I want to make this work, I’m not throwing anything away!” He shouts back, feeling just as frustrated. 

“You fucking are! You’re so distant now, we don’t get to spend time together, it’s all about her, I get that you want to be with her, it’s a new relationship and it’s exciting- I get that! But you’re pushing me away, isolating me and it’s not fair,” You tried to get him to understand, but he ended up letting out a cry of rage, scaring you.

You hated confrontation and yet here you were, fighting. You were fighting for the attention of someone you couldn’t have. He clearly liked this girl if he was going as far as cutting you out of his life, you were being spiteful and you knew it, you hated that you were jealous when you had no right to be, George wasn’t yours, he was hers, it’s not you that he’s fighting for, it’s her. You knew that, but you still couldn’t help the tears that pricked your eyes as you watch the man you love, stand in front of you, slowly back away, as if he was disgusted at what he saw.

“Maybe if you fucked off and spent time with people other than me and Alex you could get yourself a relationship and you’ll be able to put yourself in my shoes,” 

His words were like a slap to the face. If you thought him getting a girlfriend hurt, watching him turn into somebody you knew he wasn’t hurt twice as much. 

“Maybe if you spent time with anyone other than your girlfriend you’ll realise you’re not you anymore, you’re not the loving, caring George we all know, you’re a dick.” You whisper the last part before walking towards the front door of their flat, needed to get out of there as soon as possible. 

It felt suffocating, your breathing was out of sync and you couldn’t see as the tears stream down your face, why does it feel like you had broken up when George wasn’t even yours to begin with? You barely register walking past Alex who had heard everything and you didn’t hear him as he shouted after you, desperate cries for you to come back. 

Alex turned to George who had come to the hallway to watch you walk away from him, he shook his head at the younger. 

“Why don’t you just tell her the truth, mate? You’re both hurting yourselves for no reason.” Alex sighs, shutting the door, texting Gee asking for her to check up on you.

“I can’t… wait, what do you mean both of us?” George asks, whipping his head to face Alex.

“What do you think I mean, you idiot? How can you be so goddamn oblivious to her feelings for you? She fuckin loves you mate, has for a long time,”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“It wasn’t for me to say, but as good as she thinks her acting is, it was bloody obvious George, she loves the fuck out of you and you just fucked her off for some random ass girl whom you’ve never spoken about,” 

George shakes his head, visibly at war with himself before he grabs his keys and races off, shouting a goodbye and thank you to Alex who just shakes his head in response, hoping that you two stopped being so childish and just accept the truth. 

Half an hour later he finds himself outside your door. He gently knocks on the door, before knocking with a bit more force just in case you didn’t hear. You open the door and glare, still not over the hurtful things he had said, maybe it was true, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

“Hi,” George says, quietly. 

“Hey,” You reply, your words blunt and your tone flat.

“Uh, can I come in?”

You contemplate it but ultimately decided that if you were to argue, it would be best to do it inside than in the hallway where anybody could listen in. You step aside and open the door wide enough for him to walk in. He kicks off his shoes and puts them on the shoe rack, you didn’t like people wearing shoes in your house, especially on the light coloured carpet. 

“Why are you here, George?” you ask, returning to your spot on the sofa, buried under your blankets.

“I’m here to apologise, I let things get out of hand, I turned into somebody I know I’m not and it only resulted in me hurting you, that’s not what I wanted,”

“What did you want then? It doesn’t make sense, George,”

He sighs heavily. “I wanted to forget you,”

Ouch. Talk about adding insult to injury. 

“You’re not doing a very good job stood here then are you?” You snarl, wondering what was the point of him driving twenty minutes to your house just to say more hurtful things. 

“No- look, Y/N. I wanted to forget you, things were changing and I panicked and thought the only way I could get some stability was to push you away and get a girlfriend, a distraction,” 

“What the fuck, George? If you had a problem with me you should have just straight up told me to fuck off, not toy with me and drag someone else into this!” You yell.

“For fucks sakes! You don’t get it, do you? I think I’m in love with you, and that scares the crap out of me! I’m in love with my best friend and that never normally works out well, does it?”

You stare at George as if he had magically grew a second head. Did he just say what you think he said? 

“You what?”

“Just forget about-”

He never got to finish his sentence, you leap from your position on the sofa and run to him, barely giving him time to catch you in the process, you place your lips to his own in a very unceremonious manner, the kiss was rough and abrupt but it was perfect for you both, it was your first kiss and the first step into new territory which is both scary and exhilarating. 

“I love you too, dummy,”

[nightofthemeteor]

Spring/Summer/Fall/Winter 

(Also here on AO3)

The resounding CLASH of steel against steel reverberated through Madara’s bones. He grimaced, holding his ground against Hashirama’s deadly two-handed strike, but his opponent was too strong; he was forced to duck to the side to gain some space, twisting to get his blade up, panting in the smoky air.

It wasn’t so long ago that this deadly dance with Hashirama had been almost enjoyable – and not so long before that, sparring with him had been something to look forward to – and even now, Madara could appreciate this as something that at least was clean and uncomplicated. He tried to kill Hashirama; Hashirama tried to kill him. They were both made for this, both knew the steps of the dance by heart, anticipating each other in a way that was almost intimate. But now, Madara’s clan was on the brink of collapse, exhausted from fighting and looking to him for protection – and the need to protect his clan made him desperate. He knew it was evident in the way he was fighting, hard and ugly, still clawing his way through the battle with his chakra down nearly to nothing. His only comfort was that Hashirama, too, had abandoned his chakra-eating Mokuton and was reduced to meeting him strike for strike with kunai and sword.

The next exchange of blows brought them close together, close enough that Madara could see the flames of his clanmates’ jutsu reflected in Hashirama’s clear brown eyes – eyes that slid smoothly away from Madara’s. Hashirama was used to fighting against the Sharingan; he knew better than to look directly into the eyes of an Uchiha while in combat. But something was different in this battle. Maybe it was Madara’s exhaustion that made him turn away too slowly, letting the blade of Hashirama’s sword graze the outside of his wrist; maybe it was his gasp of pain that made Hashirama glance back up at his face; maybe Hashirama, too, had made the mistake of thinking of a time when their friendship had been the brightest part of their lives, forgetting himself enough to look, just for an instant, right into Madara’s eyes.

That instant was all Madara needed.

As their world spun and twisted in the red-and-black whorls of the Sharingan, Hashirama called to him, “I still have enough chakra to break a genjutsu!”

“Then I’ll make it a genjutsu you won’t want to leave,” Madara replied.

By the time he had finished speaking, he had faded completely from Hashirama’s consciousness, now existing only as an unseen observer within the genjutsu world. From the formless red vortex of the Sharingan, trees appeared, sprouting up around Hashirama almost like his Mokuton; but unlike the Mokuton, these trees were stately and neat, grown for nature and not for battle. As if reflecting the season of the real world, the genjutsu trees bore the tiny, delicate leaves of early spring. A clear blue sky melted into place above them, while below, the ground fell away abruptly – and Madara recognized this place. This was the clifftop where Hashirama had once spoken to him of a village.

Madara should have left to allow the genjutsu to play out, feeding off of the desires of Hashirama’s heart as it was designed to do, and returned to the battlefield while his adversary languished in his trap. Instead he lingered, just for a moment, curious in spite of himself…and watched as a shadowy figure began to form next to Hashirama on the clifftop. Who was it that Hashirama wanted beside him in this dream world, here in this place where Hashirama himself had once spun a dream? Madara knew the answer even before he watched his own features take shape on the clifftop.

It would have made sense to see the boy he had once been – his secret friendship with Hashirama was still one of his most cherished memories, loathe though he was to admit it, and he knew Hashirama had treasured that time as well. But in this dream world, both he and Hashirama looked like the adults they were now, standing side by side and smiling as though they weren’t bitter adversaries. The cool spring breeze stirred their hair; Hashirama reached out and caught a leaf as it blew past, held it out to his companion with a laugh. Genjutsu-Madara held the leaf up to his face, squinting through a hole in the green surface, and looked down at – yes, laid out below the cliff was the bare outline of a village, incomplete and fragile but unmistakably there. This was Hashirama’s one-time dream in its completion: Uchiha and Senju joined together in a shared village, protected by the two of them, standing sentinel on this clifftop where they could see clearly into the distance.

No, Madara realized – this wasn’t the completion of Hashirama’s dream; this was just the beginning. The two of them had never really talked about more that this, back when they had the opportunity. But if Hashirama had held onto that same dream for so long…could there be more? Against his better judgement, Madara sped up the passage of time within the genjutsu world, until the leaves on the trees looked green and full and the sun beat down mercilessly above them. Now the village below had grown, with a few more solid-looking buildings and the beginnings of a wall stretching out from the cliff. The face of the cliff had changed, as well – now face was a much more literal description. The massive carving was clearly still unfinished, its features blocky and undefined, and the top of the cliff was littered with tools and ropes.

“I think it looks pretty accurate already,” Hashirama said. “In fact, I think the sculptors might be done with it.”

“Very funny,” deadpanned genjutsu-Madara, and with a shock Madara realized: that was supposed to be his face down there. His counterpart continued, “I still have no idea how you convinced me this would be a good idea.”

“Carving your face on the mountain, or becoming leader of the village?”

“Both!”

Hashirama laughed, joyful and uninhibited, the way Madara hadn’t heard him laugh in close to a decade. “It’s all thanks to my incredible powers of persuasion, I guess,” he replied, and Madara felt numb. Hashirama wanted him to lead this imaginary village?! How did he think the Senju clan could possibly trust their worst enemy to protect them? How could Hashirama trust him?

Even within a dream world, Madara couldn’t imagine how this plan would lead to anything other than disaster. But Hashirama must have some idea of how it could work…and so, once again, Madara pushed the dream forwards into the future, making the leaves on the clifftop turn orange and brown and the ground underneath show signs of frost. The face on the cliff below was farther along now, crudely but unmistakably him, complete with a spiky mane of hair that must have been hell on the imaginary sculptors. The village hadn’t changed much from the last vision, but the wall now stretched farther through the forest, a hopeful distance away from the existing buildings.

“Madara!” Hashirama called, excitement in his voice.

There, sure enough, was Madara’s genjutsu counterpart, heading up a path in the trees along the cliff – not, Madara noted, directly up the face of the cliff the way they’d climbed it as children. That made sense: he probably wanted to avoid his own face. Those spikes looked dangerous.

Hashirama was running to meet him, arms outstretched as if to embrace him, but pulled back at the last minute, instead wrapping his arms around himself awkwardly. “Welcome back!” he said instead. That’s odd, thought Madara, but couldn’t exactly pinpoint what was off about the interaction.

“I thought I’d find you up here,” said genjutsu-Madara, smiling but still reserved – this version of himself wasn’t completely inaccurate, Madara had to admit.

“How did the talks go?” asked Hashirama.

“You’ll be pleased, I think. The Nara clan wants to join.”

“That’s fantastic!” Hashirama exclaimed, and Madara mentally corrected himself: genjutsu-Madara wasn’t accurate at all. He should be a terrible negotiator.

“How was the village while I was gone?” asked the imitation Madara.

Hashirama’s eyes shone as he answered, “We’ve been making a lot of progress with the school. I think we’ll be able to start the first students by the winter!”

“Excellent. I already have some ideas for the first few teams.”

Now this – Madara knew he was being foolish, playing around with his own genjutsu like this – but this was something he needed to see. For one final time he drew the world through time until the leaves were gone from the trees, replaced by a thin blanket of glittering snow under a sky that was blue and cold as metal. He looked around for Hashirama, expecting him to be trailing a set of young shinobi like ducklings, and instead to his disappointment found – Hashirama, alone. Had genjutsu-Madara finally abandoned his friend, as the real Madara had done so many years ago? Could reality not be kept at bay even in this world of Hashirama’s own making?

“What are you doing up here, Hashirama?” It seemed that genjutsu-Madara hadn’t cleared out after all; here he was now, appearing out of the forest like a specter. “I thought you hated the cold.”

Hashirama didn’t turn to look at him, instead looking out at the village below, now draped in snow and trailing thin lines of smoke into the sky. “I’m afraid, Madara,” he said, suddenly sounding as fragile as the tiny new village. “I couldn’t stay still down there. What if things don’t turn out the way we planned?”

Genjutsu-Madara walked over to stand at the edge of the cliff as well, and blew a tiny fireball into his hands to warm them – and then held his hands out to Hashirama, who, very cautiously, positioned his own hands so they were hovering just over genjutsu-Madara’s, soaking up the warmth. “We’ll figure it out,” said genjutsu-Madara, looking into Hashirama’s eyes; Hashirama looked back, trustingly. “Together. Isn’t that what you told me?” And he slowly raised his hands so that his palms were brushing against Hashirama’s. The sight made Madara feel inexplicably uneasy.

“Yes,” murmured Hashirama, curling his fingers against genjutsu-Madara’s. “Together.” And he leaned forward, his action mirrored by genjutsu-Madara, their hands still joined between them…and then Hashirama was kissing the illusion, gently and carefully, with his eyes closed.

The sight shocked Madara so badly that he suddenly found himself existing, standing beside Hashirama and his genjutsu-self on that cold clifftop – and just as he considered obliterating his illusory self, completely irrationally, Hashirama opened his eyes and stared right at Madara with eyes that no longer contained a shred of warmth.

“This is the real you,” said Hashirama, “Isn’t it.”

Before Madara could react, a burst of chakra erupted from Hashirama and clawed the world to shreds with hands like branches; as the genjutsu fell away, Madara felt himself thrown back by the force of Hashirama’s chakra and hit the ground hard.

He scrambled to get up, certain that he needed to defend himself from the attack that was surely coming – but when he looked for his opponent, he found Hashirama on his knees in front of him, tears streaming down his ash-stained face.

Now was the moment to attack, to end this battle decisively; instead Madara said, hoarsely, “Even now? You still hold onto that dream, even now?”

“Of course,” Hashirama replied, his voice sounding wooden. His eyes were looking somewhere in the vicinity of Madara’s chest; he wouldn’t make the mistake of looking at his eyes again. “I’ll never give up on it. Madara, I want you to know that.”

“It’s impossible!”

“You’ve seen it,” Hashirama pressed. “We could make it a reality.”

For a moment, Madara really considered it – and in that moment, he wondered what dreams he would spin in the grip of his own genjutsu. He wanted it, he had to admit that; wanted it so badly he could almost taste it. But the taste of blood in his mouth was stronger.

“It’s impossible, Hashirama,” he repeated, and finally managed to drag himself to his feet, blood dripping sluggishly from the wound on his wrist. “You’ve killed too many of my people for there to ever be peace between us.”

“Then this won’t end until one of us is dead!”

“It won’t end today,” said Madara, and disappeared in a burst of smoke.

[takaraphoenix]

I love Once Upon a Time. I loved it since it first started airing and I first started watching it. For years, it was my absolute favorite TV show.

This post isn’t really about the show, in case you’re getting your hopes up. I rambled about it at length here, which resulted in a rewatch, which stirred up some old things that I want to talk about here.

I loved this show, I loved it a lot. Peak loving it started in about 2013. Because sharing something you love with someone you love just makes it all the better, right? And my best friend back then, she also loved it, she loved it so much.

We used to watch it together. Meet up regularly to watch a bunch of episodes together. We turned the half season about Fr0zen into an all-day drinking game binge, because we both disliked that movie greatly but love this show.

We just -- clicked on this. Her favorite fairy tale is Beauty and the Beast, a story I... don’t dig at all. But OUaT’s Beauty and Beast are just about the only valid BatB adaptation and the only time I ship those two.

We got to fangirl about it all together, ships, characters, plotlines, Disney movies handled badly/good. It was so much fun.

And then things started to slowly... fizz out. Occasions on which she took the time for us to watch together became rarer and rarer.

And I know she had a lot going on back then in her life, mentally, physically, just everything really. And I 100% understand not having the emotional capacity to hang out with people.

But it was... kind of... just me. We were facebook friends too and I’d see her post about that weekend she went on a con with those four friends, that Wednesday afternoon she spent gaming with this friend, that Saturday she drove hours to visit another friend. And when every time I asked, the answer would be she’d be too exhausted right now, or she had just spent last weekend socializing so she needed a “me weekend” this week?

There’s not always having the emotional capacity to socialize and then there is having the emotional capacity to socialize with those people but not with one person in particular, because on her own, she kind of just stopped suggesting that we could do anything. Even on the more social days, I saw her post about the people she sought out to hang out with while I kept getting told she had no capacity for it.

That’s telling. At one point, that starts becoming a pattern and it starts becoming telling all on its own. And when you live only half an hour apart but have only seen each other three times over the course of an entire calendar year - and those three occasions were her birthday, my birthday and the birthday of her other best friend with whom I was friends too, not a single day where we just hung out, but “obligatory” meet ups of birthdays? Heck, I see my extended family more often because we throw in Easter and Christmas into that mix.

For many, many months I keep thinking that I was asking too much, demanding too much attention, because she has her mental issues and everything going on. But the more time passed and the more often I saw her have the emotional availability to hang out and be with other non-me people, the more I felt like no, I wasn’t really asking too much, because a friendship should be a two way street. I shouldn’t have to be the one to carry the entire brunt force of emotional availability and support and understanding for her; she should, despite her own situation, also be able to make time for me. In at least some way, at at least some point.

I spent that whole year having a USB drive laying around with a half watched season of Once Upon a Time (we made it halfway into season 5B). And it’s stupid and it’s not even about the show really, the show and those episodes on that USB drive just symbolize how much time she used to be able to take for us, how much fun we used to have together, how eager we both were to spend time together, and how it was now just me, carrying it around, trying to run after her, begging for some time she may have to spare for me.

During that year, we had a fallout. A stupid argument that somehow evolved into a huge fallout in which many things were said that are now burned into the back of my mind because they just cut that deep. And when I thought we could rekindle, we needed to talk about this, it was too much work. That’s what I was told, in the end, point-blank, that working through our issues and talking about this thing that really hurt me a lot emotionally would be too much emotional work for her. 10 years of friendship weren’t worth that work to rekindle.

That was one and a half years ago now. We haven’t spoken since.

I haven’t touched Once Upon a Time in three years total. Since we stopped watching, in the middle of season 5B - I had finished the show already at that point; was one and a half seasons ahead of where the two of us were stuck, which only shows just how much she had been putting me off even before the total stop in watching, especially considering we used to watch four, five episodes in a sitting on a normal day, especially considering we watched a whole half season in that one day. But between the actual release of season 5 and the finale of season 6, we barely watched half a season.

And I deleted the other left over episodes from our rewatch in angry frustration and I really haven’t been able to go back to Once Upon a Time since then, because just looking at it makes me remember all the good times we had - and remembering the good times just makes it hurt all the more, because those are the parts you miss.

It’s been three years since I last watched Once Upon a Time. Even though it is my favorite show. Even though the craving for that beloved show and how much I loved it had been there. But it just... felt way too sad to consider watching it all alone, because it’ll make me miss the best friend I lost.

I started rewatching Once Upon a Time four days ago. Because a silly little ask about my opinion on this show that I used to love so, so much sparked the curiosity of my best friend. Because, against all odds, this absolute disaster who still hasn’t finished watching Shadowhunters and is just really, really bad at watching TV shows, decided to watch OUaT, of all shows. Of all the shows I’ve been recommending her and told her to watch over the past three years that we’ve been friends now, she ended up to pick this one, this one that I hadn’t actually even explicitely recommended to her.

Of all the shows to watch, she picked this one. And she seems to really love it. And I am enjoying her enthusiasm so much and hearing her fangirl about all those characters and ships that I used to love so very dearly made me miss it so much that I decided to start rewatching it too.

And now we’re both half a season into this show and I get to fall in love with all my favorite characters and ships all over again, I get to experience that immense joy of watching something I love with someone I love who also loves this thing so much. And I missed this so much.

I missed this show so much, but this isn’t even just about the show as a piece of media for consumption; I missed loving this show with someone else. I missed this feeling that it gives me and I don’t know if, or when, I’d have been able to rewatch that all on my own again because it still makes me sad at parts because it makes me remember a friendship I lost, but now it also makes me incredibly happy to be able to share it with this friend I cherish.

And I really don’t know how to put into words how much this means to me, on such a weird level, so instead of being a Normal Person and just telling her, I am writing sappy, stupid posts on tumblr because this has become my way of coping with big emotions that make me feel things.

[stargirlrchive]

The Things You Said

James Potter x Reader

masterlist ; prompts (request open)

disclaimer: none, slightly angsty, fluffy ending 

word count : 2636

Every time I walked into the Order meetings I would feel my hands clamming up, today was no different. I hadn’t spoken to any of my friends since leaving Hogwarts and that was mainly because I couldn’t stand to be in the same room as James. Every meeting before today I had been lucky with not running into them, but I had a feeling today would be the day that my luck would run out.

I was right; as soon as I walked in I caught sight of the wide shoulders and dark brown hair standing close to 3 other men and talking rapidly amongst themselves.

I quickly scanned the room and my made my way towards the group of members that had been recruited at the same time I was.

Just because they were here did not mean I had to acknowledge any of them. Things had ended rather awkwardly between the five of us, and I had no reason to apologize.

As I made my way deeper into the seating area I could feel heavy stares on my left and my pace quickened lightly.

Once I had greeted the majority of the people in the room I made my way towards the more deserted part of the seating area and waited for the meeting to begin.

Out of instinct and because the stares felt so heavy I looked up and was met with the 4 of them staring at me intensely. I raised my brow at them and that did exactly what I did not want to happen. As if they had rehearsed for this to happen all of them began making their way towards me and I could feel the nerves building up in the pit of my stomach. Had they always been so intimidating?

They quickened their pace, probably thinking I’d run, I really wanted to run. They were crowding around me and before I knew it Sirius tangled himself around me.

“Padfoot we said we’d ease our way into this!”

I pushed him off me quickly as Remus pulled him away from me. My cheeks burned in embarrassment, this was a professional setting and I knew the older members questioned just what good we would be for the Order in the long run, and these random gestures of affection would not help the case.

“Sorry, we just hadn’t heard from you in so long. Didn’t know if anything happened to you or if you were okay. The (Y/N) I knew never went a day without checking in.”

At his statement I tensed up, “Yeah well I’m not the same person as before.” The frown that etched into James’ face had me glaring at them lightly.

James hand had made its way onto my lower back and I quickly moved away from him, my skin burning from his touch and the memories flooded my mind.

The hurt was evident on his face and before I could stop myself the words rolled off my tongue, “No-you don’t get to be hurt. You’re the one that used and humiliated me just so you could get a reaction out of Evans. I trusted you and you knew just what I felt for you and you used it to your advantage.”

He had turned slightly pink as some of the order members had turned to stare at the commotion. Before he could respond to what I had said I walked away from the four of them and back to the members I worked with.

-

It was nearing the end of our 7th year and the crush I had harbored on my bespectacled best friend had grown into something much bigger. I could feel my cheeks heating up as his hand squeezed my thigh, his lips pressed to my temple as Sirius, Remus, and Peter talked about their next ‘mission’, and by mission they meant prank.

I could hear James snickering as I drew myself closer to him, his hand sliding off my thigh. “Come off it (Y/N) you know you love it.”

“It’s quite a surprise how that big head of yours doesn’t weigh you down, Prongs.”

He glared at the boys as they laughed at the comment and while they distracted him I got up to slip away.

His animal instincts intact as he caught my wrist, quickly pulling me back to where I was, my thigh just barely above his lap.

“James, people already hate me for befriending you four, imagine if they saw us like this. Your fan club would actually go for my head.”

His arms wrapped around my waist to keep me in place and I locked eyes with Sirius, silently asking for his help.

“C’mon on, Prongs. Let (Y/N) go.”

I sent him a smile of gratitude and James arms loosened around me and I removed myself from him.

“I’ll see you later tonight?”

I shook my head no, “I have prefect duties around the time curfew is over and you’re going to be sleeping in the head-boys room. Merlin knows Evans despises when I’m over.”

“Does it make you jealous I’m with her all the time?”

I scoffed quietly, “James I told you I fancied you so you can help me get over it, not so you could try and see how far you push me.”

He smiled sheepishly and I rolled my eyes, “Bye boys!”

They all bid me goodbye and I made my way to my dormitory, finishing up class work before I had rounds.

-

The few weeks we had of Hogwarts came bearing down quickly, with the ever present pressure of what we were to do after leaving and which side we would be fighting on. There was a war brewing and as much as we tried ignoring it we couldn’t, no one knew when or where it was taking place but we all knew it was coming soon.

So our last few days of school were cherishing them with our friends and professors because we’d never again have the safety of Hogwarts as students. So when I made my way to the boys’ dormitory to spend time with them and I stumbled upon James talking about me it was not a surprise, in fact I knew they all did. They kept an eye on me at all times, they had proclaimed they thought of me as a younger sister, when I was in fact older than all of them except Sirius, and as older brother duties they needed to make sure I kept myself in check and no one tried their hand at being cheeky.

However it was the conversation that had my heart aching and left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Moony just listen to me! It’s just so Lily can finally see she likes me. We’re leaving Hogwarts soon and Merlin only knows if I’ll ever see her again.”

“Is she really worth risking a friendship with someone who has been by your side for the past 6 almost 7 years James?”

The silence was Remus’ answer as he murmured angrily, “You are unbelievable, James! Do you know how hurt (Y/N) would be if she found out that you were trying to kiss her just to get a reaction out of Lily?”

I could feel my throat tightening as I hoped I had misunderstood Remus.

“You said it yourself Moony, she’s been with me through everything! She’ll understand.”

I swallowed the burning sensation down, walking away quietly to try and gather my thoughts.

-

It had been a few hours since I overheard Remus and James’ argument. Choosing to seclude myself in the safety of the girls’ dormitory.

I had decided that if James decided to not go through with his plan I would ignore it because he realized it was wrong. If he did go through with it I’d cut ties with him, though that left me even more on edge as the thought that he’d exploit my feelings for someone who never gave him the time of day was a possibility.

I was going to stay in bed for the rest of the afternoon but after being called numerous times down I decided I’d just go so they’d stop.

The four of them were sitting on the couch and I sat on the arm of it, keeping a distance from James.

“We’ve been calling you, why didn’t you come down?”

Remus was watching me closely and I sent him a small smile, “Just wanted to be alone.”

“(Y/N)?”

My head turned to James as his eyes scanned all over my face. “Can we take a walk? Have something I need to talk to you about.”

I could hear Remus sighing quietly and the lump in my throat began to form as I nodded, the pit of my stomach willing me not to go because I knew what was next.

He grabbed my wrist quickly and the lump grew larger as I tried blinking back tears. We were heading in the direction of the Head Boy and Girls dormitory.

He had hauled me in and we sat on the couch, he continued with small talk and the normal amounts of affection just his touches would linger for a bit longer.

There was noise outside of the door and I knew Evans was going to walk in any moment. James must of realized it too because his face began inching closer to me, the door was hauled opened and I could hear footsteps approaching and when they were in the room they stopped abruptly, just as James lips were about to touch mine.

I could feel the shaky breath leave me as I pushed him away, “I can’t believe you, James.”

His eyes grew with confusion as I tried blinking back the tears that were threatening to fall.

I was up quickly and brushed passed Evans, trying to put as much space between James and I as possible.

I could hear his heavy footsteps behind me and as much as I quickened my pace he caught up to me.

His movements haltered when he turned me towards him and he noticed the tears that had managed to escape. I was hurt and embarrassed, angry with myself for feeling both when it was his fault.

“I didn’t mean to upset you, (Y/N). It was just a kiss, I didn’t plan for it to happen.”

The anger bubbled up inside me quickly as I glared at him, “Except that you did! You planned it all out so that Evans could what? Finally realized she felt something for you? Well I’ll tell you what, Potter. She felt nothing for you then and I’m pretty positive she feels nothing for you now!”

His eyes glossed over with panic as he tried keeping me in place, he began to stutter out an excuse, “Remus told you?”

“No you bloody idiot I over heard you, I heard those words come out your mouth and I hoped you’d come to your senses. You were going to use the fact I had feelings for you to get me to kiss you. You’re a vile person.”

He huffed quietly and I could tell he felt like crying, serves him right. “I never want to speak to you again, Potter. Do you understand me?”

I pushed him again but he stayed where he was, his tearful eyes locked onto me, finally realizing just what he had done. “Please don’t call me that. I’m James, not Potter that sounds like we aren’t friends.”

His voice was quivering softly and it made the words that slipped off my tongue that much harder, “It’s because we aren’t, not anymore.”

-

The last few days of Hogwarts I avoided them all completely. We graduated and I made sure they didn’t even get a glimpse of my shadow. Life must go on and I had given him the opportunity to break my heart once, I wasn’t going to give it to him again.

-

Dumbledore had a tendency to speak words into existence that people needed to hear. He warned us that the war was quickly approaching and if any broken relationships we had to mend, for we didn’t know what was to come or if we’d even survive.

I assumed the lot took it to heart because once the meeting was over they closed in on me again, keeping me in the middle of a circle.

“You know I could just apparate away?”

“But you haven’t yet, so that means something.”

I glared at James and quickly began apparating, his hand enclosed around me quickly as I left and I was puling him along too.

We had made it to the outside of the house I had been staying in and I angrily pushed him off of me, “Why are you following me, Potter? I guess you really don’t know when to leave a girl alone.”

“Low blow, (Y/N).”

“You know what else is a low blow? Trying to have your best friend kiss you when you know they have feelings for you so you can get a reaction out of someone you liked when they didn’t like you.”

He sighed quietly as I unlocked the door and quickly let myself in, leaving the door for him to decide what he wanted to do.

He followed me and waited timidly by the door, his eyes never leaving me as I began to relax into my home.

“I just want to apologize for doing that. My actions were not justifiable and I lost you over a schoolboy crush and you have no idea how much I regret that day. How angry the boys’ were with me for pushing you away from us and I deserved it all. I looked for you everywhere and you quite literally slipped off the face of the earth.”

I sighed quietly as I turned to face him, the sincerity clear as day on his face but a part of me still feared he’d toy with me, almost two years since leaving Hogwarts and I hadn’t managed to get over him.

He made his way towards me slowly, sensing my hesitation; “If you forgive me I’ll spend whatever amount of time trying to prove to you just how sorry I am.”

His arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me in tightly, just as Sirius had a few hours ago.

All of the hurt I had been feeling slowly slipped away and I pulled him into a hug just as tight. His shaky breathe evening out as I nuzzled my head into his chest.

When we pulled away his hands cupped my face softly and I could feel my cheeks heating up as he stared intently at me, “When I took you into my dorm that night it wasn’t necessarily to make Evans jealous. That was just the excuse I told myself because I was confused. I found myself wanting to kiss you and she began to slip from my mind. If you think about it I used her to try and kiss you.”

I snorted quietly and his thumb traced over my bottom lip softly, “So are you going to kiss me? Or do I need to find someone else to do that for you?”

He huffed quietly but closed the space that was between us, his lips teasingly brushing against mine but not letting them fully press against mine, I huffed quietly and lightly tugged at the back of his hair.

He laughed quietly but quickly pressed his lips onto mine, his arms wrapping around me tighter as I bit down on his lip lightly as the kiss deepened.

We both pulled away, breathless and our cheeks burning profusely. 

“I’ve missed you.”

His forehead pressed against mine as our eyes locked onto each other, 

“I’ve missed you too doll.”

taglist : @siriusoricns @moonlitdiggory @siriusement @snufflesblack @snarledblack @dyngflwrs @writingblot @blackslotus

[thenextrush]

Did the show really need hosts?

Hosted by Nick Lachey and wife Vanessa, the show was pretty self sufficient without them as they only appeared in several episodes, they didn’t even bother to show up for the 82 minute season finale.    It wasn’t like Next in Fashion where participants needed handholding and direction each week with challenges, and it didn’t even need voiceover narration like they did in The Circle.

Total air time from this supercouple couldn’t have been more than 10 minutes in total, where do I sign up Netflix?  Easiest gig ever!

A wall within the conversation pods divides the couple who decide on who they want to “date” without the pressures of appearance and visual social cues

Not seen the show?  Here’s what you missed:

If you’ve missed the first 9 episodes, it’s different to Married at First Sight because the daters have a chance to engage and get to know prospective partners before taking a leap of faith:

The bachelors live on one side of the complex, while the bachelorettes live on the other.

From 30 singles, 6 couples got engaged and headed to Mexico for their first physical date / honeymoon

35 days is how long it took for them to date in the pods, meet in person, meet their parents, with weddings taking place on the last day

Diamonds are not this guy’s best friend:

One of the most memorable confrontations took place in Episode 4 and because of Social Media & Marketing Manger Carlton Morton‘s omission, it led to NBA Dancer, Diamond Jack making decisions without all the information resulting in a missed opportunity for the show because she turned out to be a firecracker with her dramatic exit.  Whether he wanted to or not, Carlton became the poster boy for fluid orientation and he lost whatever sympathy that could have left this story on a positive note because of that temper tantrum by the pool that will define his Love is Blind appearance for years to come.   His outrage at Diamond was misdirected and inappropriate.  But she gave as good as she got putting him in his place, she needs to come back in Season 2 or ask her to host the show if she’s got a spare ten minutes in case the Lachey’s are busy!   No one deserves to be spoken to like that especially when you drop a bombshell from them out of no where expecting them to be okay with it the next day.  Obviously, they didnt make it to the altar with the couple throwing in the towel in Mexico and going their separate ways.

The Weddings in the Season Finale:

Up until the season finale, the soundtrack of the show could rival any Weddings Greatest Hits essential playlist with its light and bubbly vibe.   As each couple uses the same reception venue to tie the knot, the music quickly turns into a dramatic symphony straight out of a Star Wars Jedi battle as the marriage celebrant ends his piece to recite vows with the question:  “Is Love Blind”, the couples then respond with an “I Do” or an “I Don’t”.

Giannina pours her heart out in a poem:

The fiery Venezuelan retail owner, Giannina Gibelli has been a ticking time bomb since she and Industry Supply Manager, Damian Powers left the pod and it started almost straight away on that yacht in Mexico.  Even her mother before the wedding says to her daughter in Spanish that she “better be serious and not treat this as a game”.

Giannina finally seemed ready, taking on board a hurt and worn down Damian’s feedback at dinner.   The love-hate exchanges with these two seemed to come from a place of passion making them so entertaining to watch because they’d somehow always make their way back to that place they found in the pod.

She genuinely seemed to be making an effort especially with a poem she wrote for him accompanied with socks to wear to the wedding:

“The beginning was rough the middle was sweet the other half was a lot and soon we’ll reach our peak. I asked you once ‘Can you handle me?’ I hope you know now and forget the rest cause ready or not, this isn’t a test So what do you want? Only you can guess”

As Giannina walks down the aisle at the end of Episode 9, Damian becomes teary.

Damian’s shocking 360:

Damian has been pretty consistent and devoted to his fiancee who on several ocassions throughout the season has gone on a tyrade.  The season finale opens with Damian responding to the marriage celebrant’s question to take Giannina as his lawfully wedded wife:

“I do not” he says quivering as tears roll down his face.

Did not see that coming at all, total blindside.  What’s weird is he thinks he can still salvage a friendship with Giannina after she runs out of the church in embarrassment leaving guests and family in a state of awkwardness.   His decision makes Giannina the only woman from the group to have been ditched at the altar.

Opposites Attract until Barnett freaks out:

Ex-Military Tank Mechanic, Amber Pike pretty much quit her waitressing job after she got engaged.  Her dream was to get married, be a stay-at-home mom and let her future husband dig her out of credit card and student loan debt and pay for the $850 custom tailoring on her wedding gown.   Meeting Matt’s family couldn’t have been easy but her unpredictability complements well with the .

Brawl for a Cause fitness professional, Matt (aka Barnett) gets cold feet and things are looking grim with a montage of his doubts if having to choose between his family and fiancee, her financial insecurity and a conversation with his rational thinking brother.  “Getting married means putting that other person before yourself.  Are you ready to give up everything for that person?”.  Matt doesn’t return any of Amber’s calls or texts the morning of the wedding and finally shows up at the eleventh hour.

Turns out it’s just a normal case of wedding day jitters and professes to Amber that he “can’t imagine a life without you”.  Classic Prince Charming Cinderella match right there!

What’s the real reason Kelly wouldn’t sleep with Kenny?

Health Coach, Kelly admitted it herself, that maybe “her whole definition of love is not right” because despite saying that intimacy in previous relationships she’s had without connection has been a total let down and kiss of death for her, she finally comes clean saying she’s “conflicted” because she doesn’t “know if she is 100% in love with him”.

Turns out she’s not physically attracted to him.  Architectural Lighting Consultant Kenny Barnes who is five years younger than her is totally infatuated like a puppy dog and it’s actually devastating to watch him being ditched at the altar.

Poor Kenny, this match really seemed like it was going to work as viewers bought in to Kelly’s stalling.  We were all so distracted with Jessica’s inability to reconcile pod and physical life that we didnt see this coming either.    Especially after Kenny and Kelly’s parents met and had similar shotgun wedding experiences themselves.  There also seemed to be great chemistry between both families in Episode 7.

“This experiment, it brought me to you.” said Kelly at the altar, “Someone who is so fabulous in every single aspect. This has been a wild ride and I am grateful that it has been with you because you’ve been nothing but supportive, and I appreciate every single moment that I shared with you. And I love you.” 

Declaring how much she adores Kenneth and loves him, after the marriage celebrant asks if she’ll take his hands, it all comes crashing down when she says “I don’t” and leaves the chapel with a dumbfounded groom.

Standing alone at the altar, a brave class act of a gentleman,  Kenny addresses the guests in a heartfelt moment that moves the bride’s mother as she whispers to her husband how much he loves the guy for his humble words:

“Obviously this is just a whirlwhind for everyone, and again, don’t want to dive too deep into it, and delve. Because you take something that is so complex, and it is authentic, and it is real, but today is not our day. Um, but I love each and everyone of y’all, and it’s something that I’ll cherish and be grateful for forever.”

Kelly later says to the camera that “I’m fucking 33 and I should know what I want” and the story ends there for now…

Everyone knew this relationship was doomed except Mark:

He was adamant that he didn’t want to “play second fiddle” when it was clear she was weighing up options.  Tech sales rainmaker, Jessica Batten was embarrassing herself continuously with her drunken rants and throwing herself at Matt with no shame and then denying when she sobered up.

All the red flags were there, love truly was blind for personal trainer, Mark Cuevas  who had to have been in denial about their connection and of course she ditched him at the altar.

No surprise there, that coupling always seemed to be doomed.   In the end, Jessica admits that emotional connections aren’t enough and that for a relationship she jumps in to, it’s a combination of mind, body and spirit.   Watching the season back, she clearly always wanted Matt and her efforts to try and make it work with someone she wasn’t physically attracted to weren’t enough.   We would’ve been more sympathetic to her if she hadn’t made indirect passes at Matt after he got engaged to Amber.

We get the happy ending we were rooting for:

The award for sweetest couple of the season has to go to Articial Intelligence Scientist, Cameron Hamilton and Content Creator, Lauren Speed.  It’s in this union we saw total authenticity and openness on both sides.

“Everyday that we’ve spent together has been a blessing to me. There’s so much I love about you. You made me want to be a btter an and you have evberythign I need in a partner and I feel very blessed to have you in my life” – Cameron

“Cameron I love that you make me comfortable being fully myself. No matter how flawed, goofy or broken I may have been. I’m thankful for our time together and how happy our moments are.” – Lauren

The lead up to their vows brought some great moments through the season.  From their first physical meeting to Cameron meeting Lauren’s father, a touching moment between Lauren and her father before walking her down the aisle and Cameron with his mother.  True Commitment.  A family that works.  A marriage that seems like it’s set to last.

The season closes with their final thoughts summing up their experience:

“She has everything I’ve always dreamed about in a partner. She’s charismatic, but down to earth, she’s confident but also humble. She’s intelligent, she’s kind.” – Cameron

“I don’t think I ever could have met someone like Cameron any other way. I’ve been looking for Cameron for over 30 years. Apparently Cameron was looking for me too, I’m glad we finally found each other.” – Lauren

Just two nuptials take place out of the remaining couples.

The final episode becomes available tonight globally 7.30pm (Australian EST). Add it to your MYLIST if you’re looking for something to binge on this weekend.

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  Love is Blind: Who gets ditched at the altar? #loveisblind #loveisblindnetflix @netflixanz #netflix #netflixuk @camrhamilton @mattdbarnett1 @sexfact01 @KennyBarnes_11 @damian__powers @gianninagibelli @wpp_aunz @need4lspeed Did the show really need hosts? Hosted by Nick Lachey and wife Vanessa, the show was pretty self sufficient without them as they only appeared in several episodes, they didn't even bother to show up for the 82 minute season finale.   

[tommyoboe]

FINAL YEAR - THE LAST ONE.

And yet, nothing changes. It’s another Sunday afternoon in the flat with Cameron following another stewarding shift this morning, and things are largely the same. Outside is quiet and in here we’re enjoying coffee, bagels and Friends. 

Then again, things are different now that term, the year, and in fact, my entire degree has ended. I mean, for one, I finished Game of Thrones today and like many I wasn’t completely satisfied with the ending. I suppose that sums up parts of this year that I haven’t been happy with, but after all of it I’m ready to move on.

Monday began our long week of rehearsals for the end of year Symphony Orchestra concert. Results were not making themselves particularly clear, but our final degree results arrived and there was an instant commotion amongst us final year students. I wasn’t overly surprised with my results in the end, with some lovely comments for the CD quintet and I recorded for my final project, but a more mixed bag for the report that I wrote in support. Once done with some complicated calculations, I found out that I have achieved a 2:1 for my degree overall, which, for what has been a manic year, I’m pleased with. Yeah, perhaps with a bit more work in certain areas I could have received a 1st, but what I have achieved will help me learn for the future, and to that I am grateful.

Having that degree spurred me on Monday evening to do some brainstorming for my upcoming residency as marketing assistant at the Ingenium Academy in Winchester this summer (I’ll be doing a daily blog so stay tuned for that!), and it’s safe to say that although it’s a big leap into a different angle of music making, it’s one that I’m really excited to start properly in a few weeks. Hopefully the sun will be with us again!

Day two of the final push to the finish line saw more mixed moments in Symphony, with reeds not responding as I’d like them to and concentration faltering without my daily dose of divine coffee. However, sitting in on an outstanding dress run of Hobson’s Choice from Birmingham Royal Ballet was quite the treat, really inspiring me to complete some reeds and get back to sounding on form, which I did!

I was grateful on Wednesday and will be grateful this coming week for the chance to practise. Not having to worry too much about fitting lots of notes in was a nice change, and always is this time of year. It made me focus on other things like playing with a suitable tone and really solidifying accuracy and tidiness in tricky passages. Very productive hour indeed.

Thursday saw us make the progress we needed in Symphony, putting a good number of us in better spirits for Friday’s concert. This was easily doubled when seeing Tan from Queer Eye outside Cameron’s work and getting a cute heart cappuccino from the barista himself, giving me the boost I needed for stewarding a masterclass with the Berlin Philharmonic’s solo horn player that evening. It was fun to watch, even if by myself at the back, and drinks after at the nearby pub was equally fun. Good catch ups were had, as well as 75% strength drinks (just the one, actually) and free drinks and crisps all round courtesy of the dynamic horn player. Guilt quickly left us when we assured ourselves the sort of money she was earning...

And then came the last day. A morning off refreshed me for the rest of the day, with the following run-throughs in the afternoon going well, with just the controversial ‘bin piece’ receiving rubbish opinions from some of the more vocal members of the orchestra.

Come the concert, the ‘bin piece’, supposedly a work on climate change that just didn’t convey that, was fine. It certainly was spoken about, if that was perhaps the actual aim of the music, rather like The Rite of Spring. Not that these two are that comparable though. The latter is an absolute masterpiece: the former is literally rubbish.

The rest of the programme delivered in the main, with just a few hiccups in accuracy but overall music played with ambition and style. With the concert also taking the form of a concerto competition final, it has to be said that the winning marimba concerto in particular was just entrancing to be a part of but also to be a spectator on. The soloist ‘lived the music’, and she deserved to win as a result.

Gershwin’s An American in Paris brought the evening’s viewings to a jolly close, with perky moments of cheek, lush solos and big tunes coming together for a great performance.

And then that was it. The last performance at the Conservatoire was done, and four years were done. Just like that. What better way to process all that with friends and colleagues at the bar and at the pub the rest of the evening? Many photos were taken, some more flattering than others, and potential final goodbyes were said to all those going onwards in their lives. It reaffirmed how exciting this point is, where control of everything really comes down to you alone, and the vitality of doing things that are going to make you happy is affirmed. That’s what I take now at the end of my degree, and although the path isn’t completely clear as to what comes next, I know I’m going to continue to make it interesting, in whatever form that may be. Because what is life if not interesting?

Sometimes I ask myself where the thrill of first year has gone, where I would be out every night, and if not staying up until the early hours numerous times. I think the answer is I grew up. I realised, primarily this year, what is important and what my missions are. Right now it’s to become the best oboist I can be, and as much as nights out are fun, they rarely leave me feeling the same elation they did in my younger years. But as a part of life most of us go through, I don’t regret any of those nights. Even the one ending with me acquainting a Celebrations tin.

In my second year I felt a good sense of stability with the friendships I had made, and the relationships that began to blossom, and in third year a hole opened underneath me and all that was shaken, with drifts occurring, leaving me lonely and at my lowest.

However, I overcame this and despite this year not giving way to many parties and big social events, I connected with people that are important to me with a clear mind and genuine desire to make conversation. Of course, I still have my moments of loneliness: you know, for example, it does suck a bit when there’s a full coach of people and you’re the only one not sat next to anyone, but at least now I can handle it and not link it to something I’m doing wrong. Things change around us; people come and go and that is life. Unpredictable.

There are so many more things that I am grateful for from my time at Conservatoire though. I may have had a tough year of auditions, but I got the chance to travel to wonderful places like Amsterdam, Berlin, Geneva and Cologne and I had the opportunity to play to people and see things I hadn’t seen before. I had the opportunity of doing auditions and gaining practice for the real world. I had teachers that had faith in me and were genuinely surprised at my non-successes. I became a more confident player and person in college and didn’t let bad days get me down. Now my first thought would be what next?

I’ve had more opportunities to learn from members of the CBSO and was even offered a concert with the orchestra. Although I unfortunately had to turn it down (damn, that was hard), that was one of the first steps to achieving something big.

And big is where I will continue to aim, ever striving for more and better. Having the chance of four years in a quintet as good as mine has been a privilege; we’ve been able to do some great things and forge great relationships. It really will be sad to see them all go on to different things, but one day I will make it my aim to play with them again. Four phenomenal musicians, and I was lucky enough to be the fifth member of that group.

Constants are always going to be my close friends, family and Cameron. They are the ones I cherish the most and will always come back to, picking things up right where we left off every time. They inspire me and move me forward in what I am doing. I can only hope they remain with me for many years to come.

Ultimately, my time at Conservatoire has been a success because I’m happy. I’m happy that the people around me are doing what they want to do and I’m happy to be doing the same. 

As for the future of this blog, I’m uncertain, but be assured, there will be good stories to tell. Sure, it might not be leaving a cor anglais on a bus or forgetting my oboe for my first Conservatoire lesson, but whatever happens, I’m looking forward to it.

Cheers to that, everyone. Now let’s go do life.

T

[birdiethebibliophile]

{fic} A Fox in a Trap (part 3)

Word Count:  1.9k Characters:  Lucien, Feyre, Rhysand, Bron, Hart Warnings:  all I can say is that I am so sorry and also if SJM is not nice to my pumpkin prince in ACOWAR heads will roll and also I really should write some fluff at some point because I thought about stopping here but Lucien needs some love and niceness

Here on AO3.

Summary:   The long-awaited Feyre/Lucien confrontation. After months of searching for Feyre, Lucien and his sentinels find her in the Illyrian steppes. (All dialogue + some description pulled directly from ACOMAF)

__________________

“Feyre.”

Lucien almost couldn’t believe it. After so many weeks of searching, so many cold nights, so many panicked worries about whether he’d ever find her – and if he did, what state she would be in – Feyre now stood before him.

“We’ve been hunting for you for over two months,” he breathed, trying not to betray how his hands shook, how he could feel heat in his good eye that meant tears were not far off. She may have had an arrow aimed at him, but she was alive. She was alive. Thank the Cauldron, she was alive.

“How did you find me?”

Perhaps his relief had been too soon.

“Someone tipped us off you’d been out here, but it was luck that we caught your scent on the wind, and –” Lucien took a step toward her.

Feyre stepped back, and he froze, his eye widening slightly. The cliff behind her was too high for even a High Fae to survive the fall.

“We need to get out of here. Tamlin’s been –” What to tell her? “He hasn’t been himself. I’ll take you right to –”

“No,” Feyre breathed, and with that word, she pierced Lucien’s heart as surely as if she had let the arrow fly. His words died in his mouth. He could sense the four sentinels with him glance between them. Lucien scanned her, the full body wrapped in black leather, arrow aimed at his heart, hair tied back, a look in her eyes not dissimilar to Rhysand’s. Lucien’s stomach churned at the realization. She was alive, but she wasn’t unharmed. Her mind was still… his. It still belonged to the High Lord of the Night Court.

It must.

“Feyre,” Lucien said, holding out a hand. “Let’s go home.” Please, Feyre – please, just take my hand, and it’ll all be all right, he begged silently. Break his control, and I can take you beyond his reach, I promise.

She didn’t move.

“That stopped being my home the day you let him lock me up inside of it.”

Lucien’s stomach lurched once more, but he didn’t let it show on his face, besides a slight tightening of his mouth. “It was a mistake. We all made mistakes. He’s sorry – more sorry than you realize. So am I.” He carefully stepped towards her again, then stopped when she continued to back up. The stream – Rhys would let her die in the stream before he let Tamlin have her back. Lucien knew he would.

He had to get her out of here. Now. Before Rhysand destroyed her utterly – destroyed them all.

“Feyre,” he pleaded, and dared another step, his hand outstretched, fingers aching from the cold.

And when she turned her arrow towards him, he saw her eyes again, and what was in them: disgust and contempt. That was all he could see. He took a single, shuddering breath and fought back the pain once more. He would make Rhysand pay for this. How could he have taken his friend, his Feyre, and turned her into – this? A female who’d look at him like she looked at – at Amarantha?

“Put the arrow down.” Lucien’s voice was a murmur, like she was a deer who’d startled. Under Rhysand’s control, she wouldn’t listen to logic. Couldn’t. Behind him, the sentinels closed in. So close.

“Don’t,” Feyre breathed. “Touch. Me.”

Lucien almost flinched at the venom in her voice, shrank back from the tiny part of him that remembered this Feyre from her first days in the Spring Court, when she thought they were monsters. Then, the venom had been what made him love her. Now…

“You don’t understand the mess we’re in, Feyre,” Lucien pleaded, desperate now, thinking of the ruined manor, Tamlin’s wild grief, Ianthe’s plans. “We – I need you home. Now.”

He needed her. He needed her to be home so badly that he couldn’t stand it.

Lucien had to get her away. He had to, he had to had to had to get her away only one touch and he could winnow her to safety –

He lunged.

His finger grazed the sleeve of her leather jacket.

And then –

She was gone. Lucien staggered, barely catching himself before he went over the cliff – and whirled, eye wide. No. No –

He could feel Bron and Hart at his side flinch and back away. And with good reason.

Feyre now stood at the edge of the forest, and Rhysand was at her side.

Lucien froze, his stomach an icy, roiling pit of dread. Their faces were mirrors to each other, and he decided once again that Rhysand had to be controlling her.

“Little Lucien,” Rhys crooned, and Lucien wanted to stab him, eviscerate him, plunge his knife so deep into the bastard’s tunic that the tip would pierce his back. “Didn’t the Lady of the Autumn Court ever tell you that when a woman says no, she means it?”

He didn’t. How dare that prick bring up Lucien’s mother? “Prick,” Lucien snarled, using his fury to storm past the frozen sentinels. “You filthy, whoring prick.”

Feyre growled at him – actually growled.

Lucien’s eyes immediately darted to her. His voice was nothing but quiet horror as he asked, “What have you done, Feyre?”

What had she done? She couldn’t have put on those fighting leathers, that sneer of icy contempt, of her own free will – could she?

“Don’t come looking for me again.”

“He’ll never stop looking for you; never stop waiting for you to come home.”

At last, he’d spoken words that hit her. Her mask dropped slightly. Eagerly, he pressed his point, before Rhysand could regain control:  “What did he do to you? Did he take your mind and –”

“Enough.” Lucien froze at the pure command in Rhysand’s voice. “Feyre and I are busy. Go back to your lands before I send your heads as a reminder to my old friend about what happens when Spring Court flunkies set foot in my territory.”

He’d do it – Lucien knew he would. The remaining color drained from his face, leaving it deathly pale. “You made your point, Feyre – now come home.” It was all he could do not to fall to his knees and beg her.

“I’m not a child playing games,” she said through her teeth.

“Careful, Lucien,” Rhys drawled, “or Feyre darling will send you back in pieces, too.”

She wouldn’t. Not me. I’m her friend. “We are not your enemies, Feyre,” Lucien pleaded. “Things got bad, Ianthe got out of hand –” that was an understatement “– but it doesn’t mean you give up –”

“You gave up,” she breathed.

It was as if the entire world caught its breath. Lucien could see Rhysand go utterly still, and it was at that moment that he knew the High Lord was not controlling Feyre’s mind.

“You gave up on me,” she said, a bit more loudly. “You were my friend. And you picked him – picked obeying him, even when you saw what his orders and his rules did to me. Even when you saw me wasting away day by day.”

Something in Lucien snapped.

What he wanted to say to her was this:

I gave up on you, Feyre?

What about me?

I went through the same shit as you did Under the Mountain. I was beaten and tortured and threatened with the worst death possible. I was whipped by my best friend, and tied up to be crushed to death, and I risked my ass for you and Tam over and over and over again.

What did you get? Tam as your husband. You lucky bastard, you have no idea how jealous I am of you. You were brought home and he cherished you and kissed you and made love to you.

What about me?

I got Tam ignoring me and inviting Ianthe in and – you don’t even know. You don’t even know, Feyre. Do you know how she touched me? What she said to me? Of course not. You were too desperate for her help to trust what I said about her.

Do you know about the nights when I couldn’t sleep any more than you could, because I was terrified she would come to my room and I would have to say yes?

Maybe I didn’t see you wasting away, but you didn’t see my heart dying.

What he said was none of that. Tam wouldn’t have wanted him to. He needed to remind her why things happened the way they had – for his own High Lord.

“You have no idea how volatile those first few months were,” Lucien snapped. “We needed to present a unified, obedient front, and I was supposed to be the example to which all others in our court were held.” Don’t you get it, Feyre? Don’t you know what I’ve done for him? Do you have any idea how much I fought for you?

“You saw what was happening to me. But you were too afraid of him to truly do anything about it.”

Lucien’s heart wailed. I tried, Feyre, I tried. At least I saw you. You didn’t even see me.

You don’t see me now.

“I begged you,” she said, the words sharp and breathless. “I begged you so many times to help me, to get me out of the house, even for an hour. And you left me alone, or shoved me into a room with Ianthe, or told me to stick it out.”

Lucien’s clever tongue deserted him.

All he could say, his voice almost softer than the patter of rain around them, was, “And I suppose the Night Court is so much better.”

Feyre’s eyes locked on him then, and he swore he could feel the remaining threads of what had been their friendship shatter like ice.

“When you spend so long trapped in the darkness, Lucien, you find that the darkness begins to stare back.”

Lucien watched in abject horror and helplessness as the changes that had been wrought in Feyre over the past few months became all too clear. Talons grew at the tips of her fingers, as vicious as the huge, membranous wings sprouting from her back that seemed to form from the shadows themselves, the talons at the apex of each glinting as if they’d been honed.

He took a step back – he couldn’t help it. “What did you do to yourself?” he choked out.

She smiled then – a thin, vicious little smile. “The human girl you knew died Under the Mountain. I have no interest in spending immortality as a High Lord’s pet.”

Lucien shook his head, then couldn’t seem to stop shaking it. “Feyre –”

“Tell Tamlin,” she said, her voice heavy with threat and hatred and fury, “if he sends anyone else into these lands, I will hunt each and every one of you down. And I will demonstrate exactly what the darkness taught me.”

Lucien couldn’t control his expression anymore. He took a shuddering breath that stung like his ribs were broken.

Who was left for him, now? Andras dead, Tam uncaring, Feyre… gone.

He could do no more.

Lucien nodded to the sentinels, numbly, and they vanished. He lingered a moment.

“You’re dead,” he said softly to Rhysand, putting every ounce of his pain and heartbreak into the words. He knew they wouldn’t get through to the bastard, anyways. “You, and your entire cursed court.”

And he winnowed away.

It wasn’t until he’d staggered a few steps away from the sentinels that he finally fell to his knees and vomited.

He’d been wrong. Getting Feyre back wouldn’t fix anything.

She was broken – permanently.

And so was he.

[chillymist]

“Friendaversary”

Don't think it's not on my mind. I know this is where we began. It's been a year...it's been a hard year. Like personally, for each of us, it's been hard. You know, I never hesitated to trust you. We're kindred spirits, you and I. We have different views on the world but we both need more to survive, we need our internal worlds and our ideas to get us through the day. We need bigger adventures. We miscommunicte though. Because I want to push different limits than you do. I want to put myself out there, in the world, in very personal and very scary ways... I want to find connections that can only be made when the rawest parts of me are exposed and open for rejection or acceptance. Which is not really what everyone else likes to do. And I know the scale of my own experiences are different. I know that my experiences may seem more mild and less like a big thing than other experiences but they are mine, and they are the hardest thing I've ever experienced so until I experience the next hardest thing they are the 10 on my scale. Even if they'd be a 4 on someone else's. Sharing what feels like my 10 with other people is my way of trusting them and trusting God. It's my way of giving up the control which I so badly want to cling to, even to my own detriment. This sense that own myself and my life.

Here’s some thing I think you should know... I don’t remember if I’ve shared them with you yet.... These people... they changed me.

Story time #1:

I met Daniel, freshmen year of high school. We had like 5 out of 8 classes together. I liked him because he reminded me of my first crush (more like my 10 year obsession who just happened to be his best friend). He pushed me to be bolder, to live outside my comfort zone, to not be so shy. Daniel was my first kiss, the night of the homecoming dance( I know super cliche) But we weren’t at the dance... We were at the elementary school down the street from my house. I told my parents it was a group of friends and we were just going down to play around. It was just us... we were there for hours, just kissing. innocent kissing. On the swings and the jungle gym, sitting in the sand, leaning against the brick wall. and talking, for hours. We dated for maybe a week that time. We ended on fine terms, he went on to date someone else for the next 6 months or so, over which time we became very close friends. I could tell when he was hurting, or angry. I think I soothed some of it... He was smart,  and into classic rock’n’roll, playing guitar, leather jackets, and  driving around late at night with the windows down singing to journey. He thought he was born in the wrong decade. I learned over the course of that year that he had seen his parents struggle with money, and that he had been abused growing up, verbal and physical. This is never something we talked about except for the one time I learned about it. But I saw some of the ways it effected him, and how he viewed himself and the world. He was very respectful of me, he cherished my innocence and didn’t want to ruin it. When we dated later that year it still didn’t last much longer then a couple weeks, but I knew him better. He would always hint that there was so much I didn’t know, that I could never know. That there were parts of him that were too broken for me. I was “too nice” to ever even hear those things. He was worried that he’d ruin me. He never did, he never hurt me. He holds a special place in my heart. He was probably the first person I ever met who ever thought of themselves as broken... I didn’t see him like that I saw a person I was always honest with and knew would never judge me. I saw some who was incredibly smart and charismatic. He was simultaneously really cool and smart and an unbelievable dork. And even though I’m sure there’s things he never told me, I would never have judged him. He always wanted what was best for me, even when that wasn’t him. There was even one night I was home from college, still dating Allen and he told me that I wasn’t happy, he could see it. I wasn’t but I didn’t know that yet... he was the only friend that was ever honest to me about that while I was still in that relationship. Daniel is one of the most loyal people I know. I could still probably go to him with anything even though we haven’t spoken in years.

Story Time #2: 

So Allen, was this person I was dating when I came to college... he was probably the only person I've ever fallen in love with... he was really fun and goofy, which in the end made him seem so childlike. He was the pastor’s kid from the church across from mine. He was terribly innocent when I met him... Home schooled but so free spirited. Which meant he was really unreliable. He would make plans and something would happen and he wouldn't be able to come, a flat tire, he got grounded, he got held up, he had a more urgent matter with other friends, someone else was driving, his parents changed their minds... I would always get my hopes up, I'd be so excited to see him, then I'd be so disappointed when he didn't show. When I feels stupid for turning down plans with other friends on the chance that I might see him, when I had to tell my family he didn't show, again. I felt so stupid waiting around, getting my hopes up and getting hurt. He was also someone who was very flirtatious over text. To the point of sexting. Which was fun at the time but we got caught, a lot, by is parents. Which led to frustration over his inability to be responsible for covering his tracks, my stupidity in going along with it and embarrassment when I had to sit down with both our parents and "explain". He craved intimacy, I suppose so did I. He also struggled with who he was and where he came from, he was adopted and didn't know his biological parents. He couldn't see himself in his father figure, they weren't related. He struggled with ADHD and self harm and I'm sure some other things I never knew about. It was the most painful breakup I've ever had. It was because he was moving but also because he started seeing someone else right after we ended and before he moved away and he had made out with another girl while we were dating. I spent the summer after my freshman year heartbroken. Trying to still be friends, trying to sit down and talk with him. To communicate some of the frustrations I had and basically just debrief what had happen over the course of our relationship and discuss where we were now. I just wanted to talk and he'd always promise we would. He'd make plans and he'd never show or he'd have an excuse and I spent the whole summer waiting. And struggling with how to let go. How to find closure. Whether friendship was even and option.... I saw him once that summer.  For maybe 15 mins... it wasn't enough time.... to communicate everything. To explain how I'd been hurt.... so I cried. I said what I could and I cried... sitting next to him on the sand... and I told him he couldn't touch me... couldn't comfort me... and that I needed him to leave, I needed to be down with him.... because that was the most painful way I knew to hurt him... tell him he'd lost me and my friendship.... we've spoken once since....

I don’t know if I’ve ever told you these things before... but you remind me, in different ways, of each of them. The charming parts... and the harder parts... So I see things in you that you don’t say out loud, because you do things that they did... Some of it may be just coincidence... But some I know is from similar experiences... I don’t pretend to know details, its all just vague feelings of déjà vu .. which is why I used to ask so many questions, you remember in the beginning, late at night, when you would say things and then try to back out and I would make guess as to why. When I would put pieces together that you didn’t want me to know.... yea, the beginning... 

I get so discouraged being your friend sometimes. I don't know how to hold a long standing friendship with someone who struggles to maintain their mental health. And I have a terrible habit of thinking I can fix it... and too often my methods of fixing involve kissing....The problem is I can't understand. I want too but I don't know how. I get frustrated when you don't show up or make excuses after you’ve agreed, or when I hear you talk about keeping plans you’ve made with other people. I get frustrated when you push me a way because it just feels like back tracking... like trying to take back the things you’ve already put out there, that I haven’t even rejected, you just feel uneasy about having “out there”. Or when you lash out at me when I try and communicate when I just want to understand and have you understand me. I get more frustrated when you know you do this and that it hurts me and you “feel bad”, but you are unwilling to try figure how and what changes could help you not hurt me or yourself. Because that seems worse than lashing out. That seems like you're okay with the fact that this happens and that your hurting people and your friendships aren't worth preserving. Like my only option is to endure through your shit or leave. There's no option that involves being friends and working on having less shit, on being healthy. Like you don’t want to be healthy... What do I do with that? Do I stand by and let you shit on me? be self-destructive? hurt other people? Knowing whats happening I’m just supposed to be okay with it? or just leave? because that fixes everything... or rather. that’s easier... When somethings broken its should be thrown away... not repaired or restored. Even things of great value? Like a human that is actually an amazing person, just because they’re broken or a friendship with them is broken and would be hard to fix, throw that away too? ......seems like a waste to me.. and I don’t know how you think about my friendship... but I don’t see you as a waste. 

[riichardwilson]

Smashing Magazine Is Fourteen!

About The Author

Rachel Andrew is not only Editor in Chief of Smashing Magazine, but also a web developer, writer and speaker. She is the author of a number of books, including … More about Rachel Andrew …

This week we celebrate the 14th birthday of Smashing Magazine. We didn’t quite have the year that we planned though! I took a look back at some memories from this year and previous years — with the help of the team and some Smashing friends.

This week at Smashing, we celebrated 14 years of bringing you the best web design and development content — and what an interesting year it has been! Last year, I published the 13th birthday post from our team meeting in Freiburg. Back then, we were about to run SmashingConf Freiburg and our meeting was full of our plans for 2020. We were looking forward to another exciting year of conferences, and everything else that team Smashing creates. Little did we know that a year later we would all be working from our home locations, our conferences moved online, and the whole world struggling with a virus that no-one had heard of at the time.

The last year has been difficult for many people — our little team didn’t escape that. Between us, we’ve dealt with a bunch of stressful life events in addition to the pandemic. We also lost a good friend in Scott Whitehead, who died last month aged just 39. He will be dearly missed by all of us who worked with him.

Through it all, however, there is always a cheerful greeting when I log into the Smashing Slack. Some positivity on days when it seems as if nothing is going right; and a million ideas and plans despite it sometimes seeming like it makes no sense to plan anything. We’re weathering the storm, along with our wider Smashing community, and we hope that our articles, conferences, meetups, and membership have helped to make lockdown just a little less lonely.

Birthdays should be a celebration, even when times are difficult. I asked some of our Smashing Team and friends what their favorite Smashing memories were. Earlier this week, we ran SmashingConf Freiburg online, so it seems fitting that this first memory is from Vitaly about the very first SmashingConf:

“I vividly remember the first time we were waving Smashing Flags at the balcony of the very first SmashingConf in Freiburg. It was a very sunny day, with a few clouds rising above the sky, and I was walking towards Historisches Kaufhaus to get ready for the setup. It was such a powerful feeling: as I was approaching the building, I could see the flags waving from the balcony far, far away. It’s such an empowering feeling to see that something that has always been digital actually became real right in front of you.

Another feeling that had a tremendous impact on me was in a coffee shop in Kyiv, Ukraine. I was sitting and working there at a large wooden table at some point in 2014, and there was a group of young people sitting next to me. Of course, it turned out that they were designers and developers. So at some point, they stumbled upon some issue, and they opened a Smashing article and were all reading it together. It was quite a feeling because it was actually one of my earlier articles from 2010 or so, and it was so nice to see it actually being used and valued. I didn’t say anything but ordered another cappuccino, then put my headphones on and kept on working with a smile on my face.

”

I remember that first conference well, as I was one of the speakers along with many of my friends in the industry. Kristof Van den Eede was an attendee, and told me:

“I attended the first-ever Smashing Conference in Freiburg as a starting front-end developer. The impression it left on me is huge. I couldn’t believe I was offered the opportunity to go by the company I worked for at the time. The overall experience was amazing. I remember having my mind blown by Aarron Walter, Rachel Andrew, and so many other speakers. Since then, I’ve never missed a Smashing update or newsletter!”

Freiburg, as the home of Smashing, always has a special feel and was mentioned in many people’s memories. Sarah Drasner remembers being in Freiburg “for the 10th anniversary for the famous chocolate fondue carpet massacre!” One of our subject editors, Alma Hoffmann, also remembers meeting up with the team at a Freiburg event:

“I love Smashing! Been working with these fabulous people since 2010 when I published my first article. My most cherished memory is meeting Iris, Vitaly, Phil, Markus, Amanda, and everyone else in person at the conference in Freiburg. Vitaly, Iris and I had been working online for so long and had only seen each other on video call. Meeting in person was like out of this world! I also met incredible and amazing people whom I keep in touch with. I love the commitment to quality content we all share and want. It has been a dream to work here. Love you all!”

Marc Thiele was part of the team for the very first Smashing event and was able to host Vitaly (and provide a good camera and internet connection) for Smashing Live. He said:

“This is, by any means, the craziest and strangest year in my life. Luckily the looser restrictions now allowed, that Vitaly came over to my place to run his part of the first SmashingConf Live from my house. It was a lovely and uplifting experience in these dark days. Let’s hope that we are able to meet in person soon again.”

We often refer to our Smashing community as our friends and we love it when you feel part of what we are doing. Greg Vissing remembers his first SmashingConf,

“My favorite Smashing memory was being able to attend my first Smashing Conference in 2018 in San Francisco, CA. I had always wanted to go because Smashing Magazine was one of the reasons I got into web development. When I was told by my current employer that I could pick any conference, it was a no-brainer which one I would pick. Once I met the staff of Smashing in person, it was though I had been friends with them for years because of how friendly and inviting the conference is. I’m so appreciative of how much Smashing has furthered my career and the friendships I have made with the staff!”

I often hear from people how being involved with something at Smashing has led to unexpected things happening. Here is one such story from Eric Portis.

“In 2014 I didn’t work in tech and hadn’t spoken publicly since high school and, after a series of increasingly fantastical events, was invited to speak halfway ’round the world, to tell a few hundred people how they should put images on websites at SmashingConf Freiburg.

It was all very surreal. I met a bunch of heroes who accepted me unquestioningly as a peer. Vitaly kept asking random questions and making insane demands, always with a puckish smile. There were surprise fireworks at the speaker’s dinner. And, in line for lunch, Guy Podjarny told me I should really talk to some friends of his at an image-centric startup called Cloudinary. Yadda-yadda-yadda I switched careers and work for Cloudinary, now.

I’ll be trying to pay all of this forward for the rest of my career.

Thanks, Smashing!”

The conference team has had to quickly put everything they know about in-person events and figure out how to translate that into virtual ones. We’ve now run two conferences, Smashing Live! and Smashing Freiburg, and have two more to go — Austin and San Francisco. Charis and Jarijn are based out in Hong Kong, and were involved with the in-person conferences last year. Jarijn told me that a favorite Smashing memory was in getting to Toronto for the first time, and being able to reunite with a childhood friend who lives nearby. Charis talked about how we had to very quickly change from thinking about in-person events to figuring out how to do online ones.

“I was super looking forward to what 2020 had to bring us. 2019 was a fantastic conference year, and running our conferences in SF, Toronto, Freiburg, and New York was one of my best memories of 2019.

Looking back at what we’ve done the past few months, I can only be super proud. We had our online workshops going very quickly after lockdowns were announced, and it was great to see how well they were received. It was so much fun meeting people on the other side of the world and getting a peek into their lives.

It’s been a lot of fun figuring out how to run events online. Working together with Amanda and Vitaly has been an absolute joy.”

While I get involved with the events, the majority of my work at Smashing is already virtual. The pandemic has sometimes meant delays with writing or editing as people struggled to cope with this new normal, but we have ticked along much as we always do. We’ve managed to publish our usual article-per-weekday throughout the past few months and introduced many new writers to the magazine, as well as publishing pieces from some of your favorite authors.

We’re always happy to see your article ideas, whether you are an experienced writer or have not been published before. Don’t just take my word for it, here is what Eric Bailey had to say,

“I’ve been reading Smashing Magazine for years, and it’s had such a positive impact on my growth and career development. Having the opportunity to give back and write for the website was a dream come true.

The Smashing team is friendly, whipsmart, and an absolute joy to work with. If you have been debating writing an article about working on the web, I enthusiastically encourage you to pitch them.

Happy birthday, Smashing! Here’s to many more!”

For the conference team, however, it’s all about in-person events, and a lot of planning had already happened for 2020. Venues and caterers were booked, flights and hotels arranged, and speakers planned. A memory I will take from this period is the day we realized it would be impossible to run the April San Francisco event. Things were changing so quickly, a week previously it looked as if we could go ahead. Rather than complaining, or sitting about bemoaning our misfortune, everyone swung into action to ensure that speakers and attendees were informed and logistics for postponing dealt with. Within a few days, we had online workshops in place and were building out contingency plans just in case — as ultimately happened — we needed to move the events fully online.

Amanda is our head of events, and she remembers this time saying,

“For many people, 2020 has been a challenging year, and at Smashing this has been no exception. However, when the team made the decision to first postpone SmashingConf SF, there was a lot of unknown, yet a beautiful display of teamwork, respect, and truly love coming through. For those who don’t know, the Conf team is fully remote, spanning 4 countries, and 2 continents, and this is the longest we’ve all gone from being together in person. Yet, this is probably the closest we’ve ever felt as a team and as a Smashing Family.”

I’ve mentioned family quite a lot, and some of us actually are family! My daughter Bethany has helped with video editing for Smashing in the past. With everything moved online and her theatre job furloughed, she’s been on board to help with conferences and workshops. She shared her thoughts on being part of the team,

“Though 2020 has been a bit of a disaster in many many ways I feel really lucky that the lockdown and the fact that I’ve been left without my main job has meant I’ve been able to work more and spend more (virtual) time with the Smashing team. It’s been so nice that even though we can’t all get together we’ve still been able to do so many workshops and conferences and get together over a screen. It’s just been lovely to get more involved with a company who is just full of awesome people and I wouldn’t have had this opportunity without this free time that was suddenly thrust upon us.”

And our CEO Inge Emmler linked family and work too, saying that working at Smashing is all about, “being in touch with nice, dear people only — online and offline — what could be more smashing? Well, perhaps celebrating my Mom´s 90th birthday in March. ”

I don’t think any of us want to predict what will be in store for our next year at Smashing. We are continuing to plan — perhaps with a few more plan B and C options that we had last year! One thing I do feel sure of though, is that we’ll continue supporting each other and our Smashing Community, through whatever the next 12 months bring.

(il)

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Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/smashing-magazine-is-fourteen/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/629054403287105536

[scpie]

Smashing Magazine Is Fourteen!

About The Author

Rachel Andrew is not only Editor in Chief of Smashing Magazine, but also a web developer, writer and speaker. She is the author of a number of books, including … More about Rachel Andrew …

This week we celebrate the 14th birthday of Smashing Magazine. We didn’t quite have the year that we planned though! I took a look back at some memories from this year and previous years — with the help of the team and some Smashing friends.

This week at Smashing, we celebrated 14 years of bringing you the best web design and development content — and what an interesting year it has been! Last year, I published the 13th birthday post from our team meeting in Freiburg. Back then, we were about to run SmashingConf Freiburg and our meeting was full of our plans for 2020. We were looking forward to another exciting year of conferences, and everything else that team Smashing creates. Little did we know that a year later we would all be working from our home locations, our conferences moved online, and the whole world struggling with a virus that no-one had heard of at the time.

The last year has been difficult for many people — our little team didn’t escape that. Between us, we’ve dealt with a bunch of stressful life events in addition to the pandemic. We also lost a good friend in Scott Whitehead, who died last month aged just 39. He will be dearly missed by all of us who worked with him.

Through it all, however, there is always a cheerful greeting when I log into the Smashing Slack. Some positivity on days when it seems as if nothing is going right; and a million ideas and plans despite it sometimes seeming like it makes no sense to plan anything. We’re weathering the storm, along with our wider Smashing community, and we hope that our articles, conferences, meetups, and membership have helped to make lockdown just a little less lonely.

Birthdays should be a celebration, even when times are difficult. I asked some of our Smashing Team and friends what their favorite Smashing memories were. Earlier this week, we ran SmashingConf Freiburg online, so it seems fitting that this first memory is from Vitaly about the very first SmashingConf:

“I vividly remember the first time we were waving Smashing Flags at the balcony of the very first SmashingConf in Freiburg. It was a very sunny day, with a few clouds rising above the sky, and I was walking towards Historisches Kaufhaus to get ready for the setup. It was such a powerful feeling: as I was approaching the building, I could see the flags waving from the balcony far, far away. It’s such an empowering feeling to see that something that has always been digital actually became real right in front of you.

Another feeling that had a tremendous impact on me was in a coffee shop in Kyiv, Ukraine. I was sitting and working there at a large wooden table at some point in 2014, and there was a group of young people sitting next to me. Of course, it turned out that they were designers and developers. So at some point, they stumbled upon some issue, and they opened a Smashing article and were all reading it together. It was quite a feeling because it was actually one of my earlier articles from 2010 or so, and it was so nice to see it actually being used and valued. I didn’t say anything but ordered another cappuccino, then put my headphones on and kept on working with a smile on my face.

”

I remember that first conference well, as I was one of the speakers along with many of my friends in the industry. Kristof Van den Eede was an attendee, and told me:

“I attended the first-ever Smashing Conference in Freiburg as a starting front-end developer. The impression it left on me is huge. I couldn’t believe I was offered the opportunity to go by the company I worked for at the time. The overall experience was amazing. I remember having my mind blown by Aarron Walter, Rachel Andrew, and so many other speakers. Since then, I’ve never missed a Smashing update or newsletter!”

Freiburg, as the home of Smashing, always has a special feel and was mentioned in many people’s memories. Sarah Drasner remembers being in Freiburg “for the 10th anniversary for the famous chocolate fondue carpet massacre!” One of our subject editors, Alma Hoffmann, also remembers meeting up with the team at a Freiburg event:

“I love Smashing! Been working with these fabulous people since 2010 when I published my first article. My most cherished memory is meeting Iris, Vitaly, Phil, Markus, Amanda, and everyone else in person at the conference in Freiburg. Vitaly, Iris and I had been working online for so long and had only seen each other on video call. Meeting in person was like out of this world! I also met incredible and amazing people whom I keep in touch with. I love the commitment to quality content we all share and want. It has been a dream to work here. Love you all!”

Marc Thiele was part of the team for the very first Smashing event and was able to host Vitaly (and provide a good camera and internet connection) for Smashing Live. He said:

“This is, by any means, the craziest and strangest year in my life. Luckily the looser restrictions now allowed, that Vitaly came over to my place to run his part of the first SmashingConf Live from my house. It was a lovely and uplifting experience in these dark days. Let’s hope that we are able to meet in person soon again.”

We often refer to our Smashing community as our friends and we love it when you feel part of what we are doing. Greg Vissing remembers his first SmashingConf,

“My favorite Smashing memory was being able to attend my first Smashing Conference in 2018 in San Francisco, CA. I had always wanted to go because Smashing Magazine was one of the reasons I got into web development. When I was told by my current employer that I could pick any conference, it was a no-brainer which one I would pick. Once I met the staff of Smashing in person, it was though I had been friends with them for years because of how friendly and inviting the conference is. I’m so appreciative of how much Smashing has furthered my career and the friendships I have made with the staff!”

I often hear from people how being involved with something at Smashing has led to unexpected things happening. Here is one such story from Eric Portis.

“In 2014 I didn’t work in tech and hadn’t spoken publicly since high school and, after a series of increasingly fantastical events, was invited to speak halfway ’round the world, to tell a few hundred people how they should put images on websites at SmashingConf Freiburg.

It was all very surreal. I met a bunch of heroes who accepted me unquestioningly as a peer. Vitaly kept asking random questions and making insane demands, always with a puckish smile. There were surprise fireworks at the speaker’s dinner. And, in line for lunch, Guy Podjarny told me I should really talk to some friends of his at an image-centric startup called Cloudinary. Yadda-yadda-yadda I switched careers and work for Cloudinary, now.

I’ll be trying to pay all of this forward for the rest of my career.

Thanks, Smashing!”

The conference team has had to quickly put everything they know about in-person events and figure out how to translate that into virtual ones. We’ve now run two conferences, Smashing Live! and Smashing Freiburg, and have two more to go — Austin and San Francisco. Charis and Jarijn are based out in Hong Kong, and were involved with the in-person conferences last year. Jarijn told me that a favorite Smashing memory was in getting to Toronto for the first time, and being able to reunite with a childhood friend who lives nearby. Charis talked about how we had to very quickly change from thinking about in-person events to figuring out how to do online ones.

“I was super looking forward to what 2020 had to bring us. 2019 was a fantastic conference year, and running our conferences in SF, Toronto, Freiburg, and New York was one of my best memories of 2019.

Looking back at what we’ve done the past few months, I can only be super proud. We had our online workshops going very quickly after lockdowns were announced, and it was great to see how well they were received. It was so much fun meeting people on the other side of the world and getting a peek into their lives.

It’s been a lot of fun figuring out how to run events online. Working together with Amanda and Vitaly has been an absolute joy.”

While I get involved with the events, the majority of my work at Smashing is already virtual. The pandemic has sometimes meant delays with writing or editing as people struggled to cope with this new normal, but we have ticked along much as we always do. We’ve managed to publish our usual article-per-weekday throughout the past few months and introduced many new writers to the magazine, as well as publishing pieces from some of your favorite authors.

We’re always happy to see your article ideas, whether you are an experienced writer or have not been published before. Don’t just take my word for it, here is what Eric Bailey had to say,

“I’ve been reading Smashing Magazine for years, and it’s had such a positive impact on my growth and career development. Having the opportunity to give back and write for the website was a dream come true.

The Smashing team is friendly, whipsmart, and an absolute joy to work with. If you have been debating writing an article about working on the web, I enthusiastically encourage you to pitch them.

Happy birthday, Smashing! Here’s to many more!”

For the conference team, however, it’s all about in-person events, and a lot of planning had already happened for 2020. Venues and caterers were booked, flights and hotels arranged, and speakers planned. A memory I will take from this period is the day we realized it would be impossible to run the April San Francisco event. Things were changing so quickly, a week previously it looked as if we could go ahead. Rather than complaining, or sitting about bemoaning our misfortune, everyone swung into action to ensure that speakers and attendees were informed and logistics for postponing dealt with. Within a few days, we had online workshops in place and were building out contingency plans just in case — as ultimately happened — we needed to move the events fully online.

Amanda is our head of events, and she remembers this time saying,

“For many people, 2020 has been a challenging year, and at Smashing this has been no exception. However, when the team made the decision to first postpone SmashingConf SF, there was a lot of unknown, yet a beautiful display of teamwork, respect, and truly love coming through. For those who don’t know, the Conf team is fully remote, spanning 4 countries, and 2 continents, and this is the longest we’ve all gone from being together in person. Yet, this is probably the closest we’ve ever felt as a team and as a Smashing Family.”

I’ve mentioned family quite a lot, and some of us actually are family! My daughter Bethany has helped with video editing for Smashing in the past. With everything moved online and her theatre job furloughed, she’s been on board to help with conferences and workshops. She shared her thoughts on being part of the team,

“Though 2020 has been a bit of a disaster in many many ways I feel really lucky that the lockdown and the fact that I’ve been left without my main job has meant I’ve been able to work more and spend more (virtual) time with the Smashing team. It’s been so nice that even though we can’t all get together we’ve still been able to do so many workshops and conferences and get together over a screen. It’s just been lovely to get more involved with a company who is just full of awesome people and I wouldn’t have had this opportunity without this free time that was suddenly thrust upon us.”

And our CEO Inge Emmler linked family and work too, saying that working at Smashing is all about, “being in touch with nice, dear people only — online and offline — what could be more smashing? Well, perhaps celebrating my Mom´s 90th birthday in March. ”

I don’t think any of us want to predict what will be in store for our next year at Smashing. We are continuing to plan — perhaps with a few more plan B and C options that we had last year! One thing I do feel sure of though, is that we’ll continue supporting each other and our Smashing Community, through whatever the next 12 months bring.

(il)

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/smashing-magazine-is-fourteen/

[laurelkrugerr]

Smashing Magazine Is Fourteen!

About The Author

Rachel Andrew is not only Editor in Chief of Smashing Magazine, but also a web developer, writer and speaker. She is the author of a number of books, including … More about Rachel Andrew …

This week we celebrate the 14th birthday of Smashing Magazine. We didn’t quite have the year that we planned though! I took a look back at some memories from this year and previous years — with the help of the team and some Smashing friends.

This week at Smashing, we celebrated 14 years of bringing you the best web design and development content — and what an interesting year it has been! Last year, I published the 13th birthday post from our team meeting in Freiburg. Back then, we were about to run SmashingConf Freiburg and our meeting was full of our plans for 2020. We were looking forward to another exciting year of conferences, and everything else that team Smashing creates. Little did we know that a year later we would all be working from our home locations, our conferences moved online, and the whole world struggling with a virus that no-one had heard of at the time.

The last year has been difficult for many people — our little team didn’t escape that. Between us, we’ve dealt with a bunch of stressful life events in addition to the pandemic. We also lost a good friend in Scott Whitehead, who died last month aged just 39. He will be dearly missed by all of us who worked with him.

Through it all, however, there is always a cheerful greeting when I log into the Smashing Slack. Some positivity on days when it seems as if nothing is going right; and a million ideas and plans despite it sometimes seeming like it makes no sense to plan anything. We’re weathering the storm, along with our wider Smashing community, and we hope that our articles, conferences, meetups, and membership have helped to make lockdown just a little less lonely.

Birthdays should be a celebration, even when times are difficult. I asked some of our Smashing Team and friends what their favorite Smashing memories were. Earlier this week, we ran SmashingConf Freiburg online, so it seems fitting that this first memory is from Vitaly about the very first SmashingConf:

“I vividly remember the first time we were waving Smashing Flags at the balcony of the very first SmashingConf in Freiburg. It was a very sunny day, with a few clouds rising above the sky, and I was walking towards Historisches Kaufhaus to get ready for the setup. It was such a powerful feeling: as I was approaching the building, I could see the flags waving from the balcony far, far away. It’s such an empowering feeling to see that something that has always been digital actually became real right in front of you.

Another feeling that had a tremendous impact on me was in a coffee shop in Kyiv, Ukraine. I was sitting and working there at a large wooden table at some point in 2014, and there was a group of young people sitting next to me. Of course, it turned out that they were designers and developers. So at some point, they stumbled upon some issue, and they opened a Smashing article and were all reading it together. It was quite a feeling because it was actually one of my earlier articles from 2010 or so, and it was so nice to see it actually being used and valued. I didn’t say anything but ordered another cappuccino, then put my headphones on and kept on working with a smile on my face.

”

I remember that first conference well, as I was one of the speakers along with many of my friends in the industry. Kristof Van den Eede was an attendee, and told me:

“I attended the first-ever Smashing Conference in Freiburg as a starting front-end developer. The impression it left on me is huge. I couldn’t believe I was offered the opportunity to go by the company I worked for at the time. The overall experience was amazing. I remember having my mind blown by Aarron Walter, Rachel Andrew, and so many other speakers. Since then, I’ve never missed a Smashing update or newsletter!”

Freiburg, as the home of Smashing, always has a special feel and was mentioned in many people’s memories. Sarah Drasner remembers being in Freiburg “for the 10th anniversary for the famous chocolate fondue carpet massacre!” One of our subject editors, Alma Hoffmann, also remembers meeting up with the team at a Freiburg event:

“I love Smashing! Been working with these fabulous people since 2010 when I published my first article. My most cherished memory is meeting Iris, Vitaly, Phil, Markus, Amanda, and everyone else in person at the conference in Freiburg. Vitaly, Iris and I had been working online for so long and had only seen each other on video call. Meeting in person was like out of this world! I also met incredible and amazing people whom I keep in touch with. I love the commitment to quality content we all share and want. It has been a dream to work here. Love you all!”

Marc Thiele was part of the team for the very first Smashing event and was able to host Vitaly (and provide a good camera and internet connection) for Smashing Live. He said:

“This is, by any means, the craziest and strangest year in my life. Luckily the looser restrictions now allowed, that Vitaly came over to my place to run his part of the first SmashingConf Live from my house. It was a lovely and uplifting experience in these dark days. Let’s hope that we are able to meet in person soon again.”

We often refer to our Smashing community as our friends and we love it when you feel part of what we are doing. Greg Vissing remembers his first SmashingConf,

“My favorite Smashing memory was being able to attend my first Smashing Conference in 2018 in San Francisco, CA. I had always wanted to go because Smashing Magazine was one of the reasons I got into web development. When I was told by my current employer that I could pick any conference, it was a no-brainer which one I would pick. Once I met the staff of Smashing in person, it was though I had been friends with them for years because of how friendly and inviting the conference is. I’m so appreciative of how much Smashing has furthered my career and the friendships I have made with the staff!”

I often hear from people how being involved with something at Smashing has led to unexpected things happening. Here is one such story from Eric Portis.

“In 2014 I didn’t work in tech and hadn’t spoken publicly since high school and, after a series of increasingly fantastical events, was invited to speak halfway ’round the world, to tell a few hundred people how they should put images on websites at SmashingConf Freiburg.

It was all very surreal. I met a bunch of heroes who accepted me unquestioningly as a peer. Vitaly kept asking random questions and making insane demands, always with a puckish smile. There were surprise fireworks at the speaker’s dinner. And, in line for lunch, Guy Podjarny told me I should really talk to some friends of his at an image-centric startup called Cloudinary. Yadda-yadda-yadda I switched careers and work for Cloudinary, now.

I’ll be trying to pay all of this forward for the rest of my career.

Thanks, Smashing!”

The conference team has had to quickly put everything they know about in-person events and figure out how to translate that into virtual ones. We’ve now run two conferences, Smashing Live! and Smashing Freiburg, and have two more to go — Austin and San Francisco. Charis and Jarijn are based out in Hong Kong, and were involved with the in-person conferences last year. Jarijn told me that a favorite Smashing memory was in getting to Toronto for the first time, and being able to reunite with a childhood friend who lives nearby. Charis talked about how we had to very quickly change from thinking about in-person events to figuring out how to do online ones.

“I was super looking forward to what 2020 had to bring us. 2019 was a fantastic conference year, and running our conferences in SF, Toronto, Freiburg, and New York was one of my best memories of 2019.

Looking back at what we’ve done the past few months, I can only be super proud. We had our online workshops going very quickly after lockdowns were announced, and it was great to see how well they were received. It was so much fun meeting people on the other side of the world and getting a peek into their lives.

It’s been a lot of fun figuring out how to run events online. Working together with Amanda and Vitaly has been an absolute joy.”

While I get involved with the events, the majority of my work at Smashing is already virtual. The pandemic has sometimes meant delays with writing or editing as people struggled to cope with this new normal, but we have ticked along much as we always do. We’ve managed to publish our usual article-per-weekday throughout the past few months and introduced many new writers to the magazine, as well as publishing pieces from some of your favorite authors.

We’re always happy to see your article ideas, whether you are an experienced writer or have not been published before. Don’t just take my word for it, here is what Eric Bailey had to say,

“I’ve been reading Smashing Magazine for years, and it’s had such a positive impact on my growth and career development. Having the opportunity to give back and write for the website was a dream come true.

The Smashing team is friendly, whipsmart, and an absolute joy to work with. If you have been debating writing an article about working on the web, I enthusiastically encourage you to pitch them.

Happy birthday, Smashing! Here’s to many more!”

For the conference team, however, it’s all about in-person events, and a lot of planning had already happened for 2020. Venues and caterers were booked, flights and hotels arranged, and speakers planned. A memory I will take from this period is the day we realized it would be impossible to run the April San Francisco event. Things were changing so quickly, a week previously it looked as if we could go ahead. Rather than complaining, or sitting about bemoaning our misfortune, everyone swung into action to ensure that speakers and attendees were informed and logistics for postponing dealt with. Within a few days, we had online workshops in place and were building out contingency plans just in case — as ultimately happened — we needed to move the events fully online.

Amanda is our head of events, and she remembers this time saying,

“For many people, 2020 has been a challenging year, and at Smashing this has been no exception. However, when the team made the decision to first postpone SmashingConf SF, there was a lot of unknown, yet a beautiful display of teamwork, respect, and truly love coming through. For those who don’t know, the Conf team is fully remote, spanning 4 countries, and 2 continents, and this is the longest we’ve all gone from being together in person. Yet, this is probably the closest we’ve ever felt as a team and as a Smashing Family.”

I’ve mentioned family quite a lot, and some of us actually are family! My daughter Bethany has helped with video editing for Smashing in the past. With everything moved online and her theatre job furloughed, she’s been on board to help with conferences and workshops. She shared her thoughts on being part of the team,

“Though 2020 has been a bit of a disaster in many many ways I feel really lucky that the lockdown and the fact that I’ve been left without my main job has meant I’ve been able to work more and spend more (virtual) time with the Smashing team. It’s been so nice that even though we can’t all get together we’ve still been able to do so many workshops and conferences and get together over a screen. It’s just been lovely to get more involved with a company who is just full of awesome people and I wouldn’t have had this opportunity without this free time that was suddenly thrust upon us.”

And our CEO Inge Emmler linked family and work too, saying that working at Smashing is all about, “being in touch with nice, dear people only — online and offline — what could be more smashing? Well, perhaps celebrating my Mom´s 90th birthday in March. ”

I don’t think any of us want to predict what will be in store for our next year at Smashing. We are continuing to plan — perhaps with a few more plan B and C options that we had last year! One thing I do feel sure of though, is that we’ll continue supporting each other and our Smashing Community, through whatever the next 12 months bring.

(il)

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/smashing-magazine-is-fourteen/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/09/smashing-magazine-is-fourteen.html