#but i really hope he's able to understand it's not the only valid option and that he has a good spiritual guide with him

[justanawesomeowl]

Biscuit guy just sent a message to a group we're both in about LTM and I'm like... I know it seems cool on the internet but it's probably one of the last things you need rn

[saerins]

─── 𝐈𝐍𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐏𝐋𝐄𝐓𝐄

+ itoshi sae x f!reader | wc 2.7k | content: angst, an alternate ending for this fic: whole

notes: for @veraberaxx who requested for this !! i know some of you guys would’ve stayed with nagi okay <3 he’s such a precious one here

summary: sae rarely knows what he’s doing when he comes to you. and sometimes, by the time he figures it out, it’s all way too late and you’re too far gone.

sae remembers you better than he can make sense of. you, and every little thing you do.

how you overcook your eggs in the morning when he’s on video call with you. how you make his bad days so much better without even having to try because you’re the only person in the world who can make him laugh. how your hands feel against his cheeks when you’re admiring him in that cute way you do.

god, he misses you. and he’s never been able to understand why people constantly feel the need to be around each other physically until now.

a conversation that was supposed to be a pastime haunts him.

“you sure it’s what’s best for her though?”

sae blinked, having no clue what his captain was even alluding to. “what are you talking about?”

his captain sighed, leaning back against the door, crossing his arms. “i mean, she’s probably waiting for you right? to go home?”

of course you are. you’re always waiting for him. what was his captain going on about?

“are you ever going to?”

is he?

he finds himself stuck; he’s not sure. there’s the part of him that yearns for you, that wants you around, that wants to live somewhere where you can be by his side.

“i mean, i could ask her to move with me.” it was a valid option, right?

his captain shook his head. “dude, then what happens if you break up? she’ll have uprooted her whole damn life for you, moved away to some faraway place.”

it was something he couldn’t find a response to. and maybe now he’s regretting not having more experience in this field because what’s he supposed to do? he wants you, yes. he wants to make this work, yes.

but can he? he doesn’t fucking know.

sae’s horrible at this.

how does he do this? how can he speak normally to you after all the thinking he’s done? he wants to be with you, really. but how can he be when you’re so far away? when he doesn’t know when or if he’ll come back?

“sae, you there?”

he’s pulled back into the present when you call his name. he can’t even remember what you were talking about before he zoned out.

“yeah, sorry i’m here, was just tired,” he offers, aware that he’s been tired a lot lately. but you keep believing him, maybe because he is but not in the way you think.

physically, yes maybe. but it’s not something he can’t tolerate. but mentally? it’s the biggest toll he’s ever taken. and as much as he doesn’t want to, maybe he can’t keep doing this to you. can’t keep stringing you along with him, with his unsureness and his doubts.

“i- look, i-i know it’s hard but we can—”

fuck, this is way harder than he thought it’d be. hearing your voice crack is enough to make him lose his mind. which is why he does this swiftly, can’t have you swaying his heart when he’s made up his mind.

maybe he should’ve chosen a better timing to break up with you than in the locker room right before his next game. it’s stupid, yeah, but he knows if he doesn’t get it done now he’s just going to delay it until he doesn’t even want to do it anymore.

sae’s phone vibrates right after he hangs up, and he feels his heart breaking into pieces reading your message.

you don’t want me anymore, sae?

he does. he really does. but he doesn’t know what the fuck to do with this, with himself, with you. he really wants to keep you forever, but he can’t.

maybe it’s pathetic. and maybe it’s an excuse. but maybe if it’s meant to be, it’ll be.

he hopes it will be.

it’s stupid, stupid, stupid. it’s so fucking stupid.

sae does it anyway.

he types nagi seishiro into the stupid google search because just who is this guy, anyway? he’s a little peeved about having your stories with him pop up all the time.

“just don’t watch it, stupid.”

“fuck off, rin.”

as if it was that easy.

scores of articles pop up in his phone, all relating to how nagi seishiro is soccer’s next top genius or upcoming star player. sae feels a scowl on his face as he presses into one of the article headers—nagi seishiro, bachelor no more?

and there it is, a picture of you and nagi walking down the street, hand in hand and sae wants to kill himself right now. nobody else is supposed to be intimate with you like that, and he had thought he knew what he was signing up for when he broke up with you so evidently he thought wrong.

but he isn’t given any time to heal a broken heart, and he thinks he deserves it anyway because it’s his fault that the both of you are where you are in the first place, so maybe he’ll just have to keep on living like this, with half his heart displaced and his devotion always wavering.

sae’s almost sure he can keep this game up—this game of ignoring your existence. it’s the only way he’ll make it out of this alive. but one day he’s bound to slip up.

and that happens to be tonight, when he’s tipsy and forlorn.

your number’s the first one he calls as he sits on his balcony, admiring the view that’s pretty lacklustre without you in it. barely five rings and you pick up.

but it’s not your voice.

“hello?”

by his guesses, it’s nagi. sae has to look at the clock on his phone. it’s 10pm in spain, which means it’s 5am in japan—and nagi’s the one picking up your calls?

“um—”

sae’s rehearsed countless situations of what he might say when you picked up depending on your reaction, but how was he supposed to know someone else was going to pick up?

what the fuck is he supposed to say to your boyfriend?

“oh,” nagi says, voice fading away slightly before coming back. “you’re itoshi sae.”

“yeah.”

“y/n’s washing up right now,” nagi tells him, carefree. “want me to tell her to call you back?”

“no, that’s fine.” because there’s no need for that. because sae’s going to dig himself a hole and lay in it. you probably won’t be able to reach him.

nagi says okay, and sae thinks he’s about to hang up when he hears him ask a question, “do you still love her or something?”

“no.”

nagi hums, “you’re a terrible liar. why would you be calling her at this timing then?”

“wrong number.”

“still terrible.”

“okay bye.”

“wait—” nagi calls out just before sae hangs up and he pauses for a while. sae can hear you humming in the background before you fade away again. it’s torture, really.

“what do you want?” sae sighs. he’s tipsy and in no mood to talk to anyone but you.

cruel, cruel world.

“if you’re not done with her,” nagi sighs too, because both of them would rather be talking to you than each other. “maybe you should tell her.”

sae’s just a little taken aback because why is your boyfriend telling your ex to talk to you with such intentions?

“don’t get me wrong, i’m taking better care of her than you ever did,” nagi says, getting on sae’s nerves, “but she thinks you hate her. and i really don’t like to see her sad.”

sae feels his heart dropping to the ground.

“i’d like to tell her that you’re so in love with her that you’re still calling her at 5am, but i’m not gonna.”

“you’re weird.”

“maybe,” nagi compromises, “but at least i’m not the stupid one who let her go.”

after a long pause, nagi resumes, “it’ll be too late soon if you don’t speak up.”

and then all sae can hear is the dial tone, and all he can feel is misery.

sae didn’t realise what nagi meant by it being too late if he didn’t speak up soon. that’s why he’s now running across the airport like a madman, it’s why everyone and everything drowns into the background, like they’re half-muted and swirling together.

in his bid to forget you, he’s been avoiding going on social media at all. he’s gone complete radio silence on everyone except for his teammates. he’s been so far less of himself that even his own brother is tired of trying to reach out to him.

it’s been several months since then.

maybe it’s a cruel joke that’s playing on him now; the day he comes back online, the day he decides to take nagi’s stupid advice—you’re already engaged to him.

you’re about to become mrs nagi soon and sae’s really never going to forgive himself.

it’s funny how easily the realisation comes to him; how he can never get over you, how he should’ve never pushed you away. he wants your good morning texts and your goodnight kisses, your bad cooking because he’s worse at it. your laugh, he wants to hear it next to his ear while you’re both about to fall asleep. everything about you—he wants it.

and he doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing right now, he’s running on pure adrenaline. he’s not even dressed for a wedding—not in his black sweater and black slacks. but fuck this, he thinks, stealing a cab from someone else, he just needs to see you. has to.

it’ll be too late soon if you don’t speak up.

nagi was long ready to propose to you. he probably already had a ring by the time sae got up the guts to call you.

it’s 1pm and he doesn’t even know if you’ve said your vows yet. he can’t remember anything rin told him over the phone and now his brother isn’t even picking up. nobody’s posting anything online either, fuck.

doesn’t help that his cab driver’s a foul mouth with an equally foul temper.

“could you drive faster?”

“oh sure, why don’t i just tell all the traffic lights to make way for little prince over here?”

sae sinks into the seat. today is really not his day, but he’ll screw the universe before he lets it tell him that he shouldn’t be doing this.

it’s 1.23pm by the time sae reaches the church, and the tall black doors never looked more intimidating. it looms over him, and he’s almost afraid to open it. but he has nothing more to lose except for you—so he opens the double doors anyway, runs down the corridors until he’s at the right hall; and it’s too loud the way he flings the doors open, the way the silence rings in his head when everyone in the room turns to face him.

sae’s only looking at you though, and even from this distance he can see your gaze fixed on him—like how everyone else’s is—and then the hushed whispers start to come but he doesn’t care for that. he catches rin in the crowd too, wide-eyed and with that what the fuck are you doing stare.

it’s clear that sae has no clue what he’s doing, why else would he be crashing a wedding he wasn’t even invited to? but his gaze turns back to you and sae freezes in the middle of the aisle, cheeks and nose red from the cold and he can see the sorrow in your eyes as you hold nagi’s hands.

sae opens his mouth until he catches you shaking your head, and then he stops. that’s when you break his heart to save him the further humiliation.

you turn back to nagi and smile the sweetest sae’s ever seen you smile.

“i do.”

sae would’ve already gone home if rin hadn’t stopped him. he would’ve been on the first flight back to spain by now but instead he’s here, at your wedding reception, entertaining rin’s friends.

“not my friends,” he grumbles, but it sure seems like it.

entertaining these guys isn’t his first choice, but he supposes it’s much better than watching the videos they’re playing of you and nagi’s time together up until now.

“hey, can i borrow him for a while, you guys?”

it’s cruel how you ask him to follow you, how you invite him to the dance floor. how he has to put his hand on your waist and know that it’s not leading to anything more, that you’re not his and you never will be.

“so, what do i owe the pleasure of you gatecrashing my wedding?”

you look beautiful. you smell pretty. you’re everything he wants.

sae doesn’t answer. you already know it anyway.

“sei told me,” you say, still not looking at him. “about how you called at 5am that one time.”

“oh, did he now.”

“mhm,” you nod your head and sae catches a whiff of your shampoo. his favourite. everything about you is his favourite. “you know, i wanted it to be you.”

sae looks confused and you chuckle, and god how he’s missed hearing that. “i dreamed of us being the ones to say i do, for a long time actually.”

he doesn’t know what to make of this, doesn’t know why you’re telling him all of this. he especially doesn’t know how to tell you that it’s the same for him.

“lucky for you it’s not me, then,” he chokes out, looking across the room at nagi, who nods at him. sae thinks that at least you ended up with someone who really seems to care about you.

you laugh nervously, “yeah, lucky me.” you’re soft, like you’re not convinced, but sae knows better than that. you’d never go through with it if you weren’t sure.

but she thinks you hate her. and i really don’t like to see her sad.

“i don’t, by the way.”

for the first time now, you look at him. “huh?”

“i don’t hate you, i never did,” sae explains, painfully aware that this is neither the time nor place but he doesn’t think he’ll ever see you or talk to you again so it’s now or never.

and you smile, and he loves that. loves you.

“how’s he treating you?”

“sei?” you turn to look at your husband, grinning from ear to ear when you see that isagi and reo are messing about with him. “he’s perfect.”

sae begs to differ. you are, that’s all he knows.

“good then.”

“what, are you planning to beat him up if i said no?”

“no,” sae scoffs. “but i’d steal you away.”

for a moment, your head lays on his chest and the way his heart beats brings you back to the present, to the fact that sae is someone from the past and he should stay there.

“so what now, itoshi sae?” you ask, pulling yourself away from him, an invisible line drawn between the both of you.

sae shrugs, and he knows what time it is. “back to spain, back to soccer, i guess.”

no longer back to you.

he now has an answer to his captain’s question.

“i’ll see you around, itoshi sae.” (you think you’d still have to watch his games when he plays because seishiro watches them. even if he says it’s a little disturbing that the one doing so well is your ex-boyfriend.)

“are you ever going to?”

no, he can’t go home anymore. it doesn’t exist.

sae nods. and he manages one last smile, a subtle one, a soft one, the one you’re so familiar with, the one you’ve been missing all this time. you press your lips together to stop yourself from smiling.

sae remembers you, and every little thing you do. especially how you manage to slip away from him, the only love he ever knew.

“sayonara, y/n.”

[darkstarofchaos]

Now that I've calmed down: EarthSpark Prowl wishlist.

Do not make him a cop. Just straight up, he doesn't need to be one. If there must be a "police are bad" storyline, keep it to one episode and make it a "don't judge a book by its cover" lesson, where Prowl reveals at the end that he only has a police car alt for its advantages (I can't tell if his alt will actually be a police car or not, but it looks like a Cybertronian police vehicle, so my hopes for this point are very low).

If he has to be a cop, make him an ex-cop who quit because he didn't like the way things were done. We hardly know anything about what Cybertron was like before the war, so something like Prowl explaining his disillusionment with the police force would be amazing for worldbuilding.

He can be a little sneaky/schemy. He's a strategist (unless they change that part of his character), he needs to be able to consider a wide range of options. That doesn't mean he always needs to act on those other options, but he can off-handedly suggest them.

You know how there have been a couple Prowl bios that talk about him not handling the unexpected well, but it never actually appears in his characterization? Give him that. Have him freeze up when he doesn't understand something, or struggle to make decisions on insufficient data, or interact awkwardly with people he doesn't know well. Heck, throw in some uncomfortably blunt questions as he tries to get information as quickly as possible so he doesn't feel so out of his depth. Make him stubbornly adherent to routines. Or do what I do and have his processor lag or crash if things get too hard to handle. Idk.

If he ends up in an antagonistic role, don't just make him a jerk. Let him have good intentions and people who understand his side of things (lackeys who follow his orders don't count - I'm talking something like Hashtag validating and defending Starscream). And don't base his antagonism on a lack of empathy or an inability to understand people. He can have those traits, just don't make it "I'll do what I have to because the ends justify the means".

Ultimately, what I'm hoping for is a Prowl who isn't really based on any preexisting versions. We've had a few characters now who are only loosely based on previous portrayals (Megatron, Tarantulas, Breakdown, etc), so that doesn't seem like too much to ask. Give me a Prowl who doesn't really know what to do with himself when he has to interact with people, or only seems cold and rude until you get to know him, and I'll be happy (also understanding and support. I require these things for him as well).

And I guess if he only gets one highlight episode before being relegated to silent background character, all I ask is that he not be a jerk.

[halliescomut]

Rant in defense(?) of Step by Step

Okay, so I watched episode 5 of Step by Step yesterday, and then helped my sister deep clean our kitchen so I missed basically all of the online discourse about it. So now I'm waking up to people being mad and Dee Hup and Mandee releasing statements. And like...I wanna talk about it.

So if you're not up to speed, general breakdown is that in the show they are producing a series (*correction it's a marketing campaign, see new comments at the end), some of the characters are business side and some are production/acting side. At a meeting they discuss possible BL acting pairs that they could cast and they show a couple of well known ones. It's not clear to me if the fake series in the show is going to be a BL or if they are just hoping to use a BL pair because they have pretty committed fanbases.

Most memorably they show Zee and Nunew. Because the creatives are dealing with executives there's a moment where they have to explain fanservice to one of them, and they do explain in very basically.

A lot of people thought or read this as a direct attack on Zee and Nunew specifically, an assumption that all of their behavior is fanservice. I personally think that they chose Zee and Nunew to allow for this sort of inside baseball joke that they are very expensive and very busy. I honestly thought that was the only direct comment that applied to them, and it was made in response to Jaab being asked who he thought best suited the project.

One of the other options, they make a point of saying they aren't really being shipped, which if the series they are working on is not a BL, could be a selling point because peripheral or surface level knowledge of them wouldn't be directly related to their ship. So you wouldn't have people who see them cast in the show and only know them as BL actors and write off the show as a whole because they are not BL fans or are actively homophobic. *See edit/correction at end.

The final comment many people seem to have the most issue with (for a couple different reasons) is this one:

The reason for the issue differs, some people are saying this is a direct attack on Zee and Nunew and how they present themselves at appearances and on social media. Now whether everything fans see of Zee and Nunew is fanservice or not, IDK and IDC. It's not my business. If it is fanservice and they feel comfortable doing it, I have no problem. If it's not fanservice and they are essentially using that belief as a cover to be able to be affectionate publicly in a country where that can be dangerous and also would likely damage their career opportunities...I also have no problem there. You gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.

The second reason that people are upset about this comment is that this is literally a BL show profiting off of the LGBTQ community, so isn't it hypocritical?? And I just didn't read it that way. Watching the show, Pat is a gay man, he's at the very least out in his personal life, at work there's not much that we see that would confirm one way or the other, but I would imagine his level of out-ness at work is at the very least a case-by-case basis. Pat, as someone in a country where his identity is not protected or validated, could be understandably frustrated by the BL industry and the fanservice that is a very prevalent part of it. Seeing the 'performance' of gayness being accepted and even rewarded when, like most gay people, he's probably encountered more than one homophobic person, or had to second guess holding his partners hand in public would be so frustrating.

IDK...I just feel like it's meant to be a statement showing that they are aware of the sentiment. And the reaction of complete silence is it's own condemnation of the system, because you can see that the executives in the room are stunned by the comment, and that the creatives are all kind of thinking 'Pat you said the quiet part out loud'.

Is it a situation that is handled perfectly in the show? Not necessarily. But I do think it's valid commentary of the BL industry. It's literally commentary that you see repeated over and over again on the internet. Like, we're coming up on Pride month and seeing Pride collections released by almost every major company. And the number one thing that any queer person will tell you is to actively look into what those companies are doing to support the queer community before you hand them any of your hard-earned dollarbucks. Are they donating to charities that actively support queer people? Are they employing queer people at all levels? Are they using queer people in their advertising? Are they seeking out queer artists to help design some of the items and paying them appropriately for that work?

You can use that same energy and process with BL companies. Are they actively supporting their openly out creatives? Are they type casting openly queer actors? If they are a company that also produces mainstream (i.e. not gay) content, are BL actors also present in that content? Is there queer representation in their mainstream content at all? Are you asking these questions when you are looking into BL shows? Are you actively looking into shows at all or are you just watching stuff based on how hot the actors are? There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, as long as you aren't then proceeding to actively attack actors, companies, or shows for perceived wrongdoings, if you've done no research at all.

*Correction: What they are doing is a marketing campaign, so commercials, print ads, social media campaigns, etc. Since it's going to be likely similar to what we see IRL, maybe sponsored posts or appearances as well. This does bring different context to the scene as it actively emphasises the profit part. Because BLs/fanservice do profit off of the 2SLGBTQIA+ community, but that can be more abstract/peripheral. Like queer people watch a queer show and they pay the subscription fee to a service, and maybe they buy a product being advertised, but the money that makes into the hands of the production company or the actors would be small in comparison to using BL acting pairs in a marketing campaign, where the company would very directly profit from appearances or purchases of that product.

This does however strengthen my previously made point about rainbow capitalism, which in addition to pride merch is something in the western world we've seen more recently addressed with situations like the Bud Light-Dylan Mulvaney ad, as well as regular outrages for Nike using queer athletes, or Starbucks creating a commercial based around a trans customer, or period products being market to include transmen, mother's day and father's day ads that feature same sex couples... there's a whole list. It's nice to see that representation in ads, but if those companies are not also actively working to minimize discrimination inside their company, or actively working with and donating to non-profits that help support different people int he queer community... then that representation is merely performative activism and nothing else.

[definitelynotshouting]

WAHOO im back part 3 :))) i reread the chapter

-☀️

"“Not like that, that’s for sure,” Grian says, and it bites, singing through the air with cruel finality. He can’t stop the way each syllable sharpens as he speaks. “So when I tell you I’m dying, maybe you should believe me.”"

- he's happy that when they are hurt by what he does/says at least he has control over this time. He's still keeping secrets. It's not until later that grian loses the upper hand he has keeping the way Watchers work a secret. Right now the others don't know what options they have, meaning that Grian can let himself die and there's nothing they can do about it. It's self destructive but he's smug about that, in a 'hahah im going to do this thing and theres nothing you can do about it' kind of way except the 'thing' is dying. He needs sooo much therapy

-☀️

"Despite everything, the day Grian was kicked from Hermitcraft, Scar had still watched him like someone he knew. Now, he stares at Grian as if he’s never seen him before."

- Before, Scar knew they didnt have all the pieces to the puzzle. He knew Grian creating the game wasnt as simple as it seemed, he knew there was something greater at play. Later, he says "that's just not your style...I never believed you would. Not even for a second". Now that all the cards are on the table, Scar can't comprehend how there was so much he missed. He knew that just before mcc and before the games Grian gets tired. He didnt know why. Theres so much Grian kept from everyone, and Scar slowly piecing it together only to realise just how much pressure has been on Grian's shoulders, how much emotional weight he must be carrying. I can only imagine how much of this Scar reads on Grian's face in this moment

-☀️

"Scar’s voice takes on an awed note— as if the simple act of slipping past Grian's defenses for the missing puzzle pieces changes anything between them. Soft as drifting snow, he whispers, “And that's why you won't let us help.”"

- blows you up with mind

- It does change something!! Scar now understands- to some extent at least- WHY grian is acting the way he is. GRIAN doesnt think this changes anything. The fact that people know his motives doesnt mean they know how to stop his code from unraveling, after all. Ohoho. Grian you underestimate the hermits. Do you really not understand how insane they are!! Scar and the others are ready to do whatever they need to to stabilise grian's code and make it so Grian is able to properly live alongside all of them, SAFELY. Without fear. But Grian is so convinced he's unloveable that he cant see this

-☀️

"At any other point, his palms would be a warm, grounding weight, laced with familiar lines and calluses; now, all Grian can focus on is the inexorable tilt of his entire world's axis as it falls apart."

- this line genuinely had me throwing my phone onto my bed and putting my head in my hands.

- There is no more running. No more hiding. Grian has spent his entire time as a Watcher-disguised-as-a-player pretending and hiding the truth of his existence. But now everything is out. Everything that grian has spent years hiding because of self-hatred and disgust, thinking he is a monster beyond help or love; there is not much left for him to hide. His world is falling apart, theres no way to recover his life before, the one he oh so carefully cultivated on Hermitcraft. That life is gone.

-☀️

Aldjnskajan. I hope this makes some sense 😭 i still have another section of quotes that i copied, but ill do those tomorrow (my time) because i am sleepy :)

AAAAA I WASNT ABLE TO GET TO THIS YESTERDAY ANON BUT WAAUGHHHHHH /POS THIS IS SOOOOOO

IM SENDING YOU BEAMS THIS IS SO SWEET AND VALIDATING TYSM YOU ARE AMAZING AND I HOPE YOU ARE HAVING AN EXCELLENT DAY

[genderkoolaid]

do you have any advice for figuring out if you're multigender? i think i might be, but in a kind of "both all and none" kind of way? (i actually use the term schrodigender like schrodinger's cat) but i'm really interested in hearing any thoughts you have on determining if you're multigender!

To give you a feel for what my personal journey of multigender discovery was like:

It heavily involved me going back and forth between identities, basically constantly questioning, since I first realized I was queer. I would identify as one thing, then start questioning it (often out of longing for another identity), and then be thrust into the questioning cycle, find something I felt worked, and rinse and repeat. I'd go from being a gay trans guy to a nonbinary lesbian repeatedly over months and years, and it caused me a lot of distress because I felt completely unable to understand myself on any level. At lot of this was worsened by the fact that I was influenced by a lot of exorsexist exlus rhetoric, so any connections I had to multigender identities (like omnique, for example, or even genderfluid!! exclus exorsexism was/is actual poison) was cut off and I forced myself into the idea that my identity had to Make Sense and Fit The Rules. At some point I started getting out of that worldview and accepted, on some level, that I was multigender, but I mostly identified as transneutral and kind of downplayed every part of my gender. It wasn't until I started learning about the idea of transandrophobia that I really started embracing my male identity strongly, which then allowed me to interact more strongly with my womanhood & really, truly accept the entirety of my multigender, multi-sexual identity.

If you have found yourself constantly going back and forth, never being able to be satisfied with one identity for long and continuing to find yourself envious or longing for other identities, that may be a sign you are multigender. For me, I've also experienced a weird mix of... every gender option, including neutral, feeling like a "technically yes, but actually no" kind of thing? Like, if I have to check a box, picking "woman" doesn't feel like the worst, but it also doesn't feel right. But the same goes for "man" or "nonbinary" (which is why I usually pick "decline to say"). Every option feels like its almost right, but the assumption that I have to be only one makes any one response feel like a lie. There's also a sort of feeling of never being entirely comfortable in any gender-based group, like you can never fully belong no matter where you go and will always be some kind of pretender. On a more positive note, I've found myself the happiest so far when I have multiple different groups of people gendering me differently. Last semester I had some teachers/classmates that called me Antonia and used she/her, some that called me Antonio and used he/him, and some that used either/or and would use they/them, and it made me really happy! Being able to be seen as one thing by one person and something totally different by another has been the most validating gender experience ever, far beyond any single incident of gendering.

This is all just my experience, but I hope it might be helpful to compare it to whatever you have experienced and see if anything strikes you. Gender is a messy thing & I wish you good luck <3

[fairycosmos]

i feel like such a bad person for not wanting to talk with my father even though he's probably the one responsible for my mental problems, am i a bad person? should we put ourselves first always? am i only thinking about myself? is that bad? i don't want him to be sad but i don't feel ready to talk to him

hey, i'm really sorry you're going through this. i do think it's worth it to ask yourself if this guilt is rooted in anything you've actually done wrong, rather than a learned response that is likely partially caused by growing up with a dad like that. we really, really don't owe our abusive parents anything at all, not even forgiveness, which is not synonymous with healing despite the popular opinion that it is. it doesn't make you a bad person to be hurt because someone who was supposed to protect you repeatedly failed you during the most impressionable part of your life. the consequences of that are you getting to choose how much time you give your dad in adulthood, if you even give him any at all. if you choose to disconnect from him, that is because of his own actions, his own flaws as a parent. it is the result of his character, not of yours. that boundary is yours to set, entirely, and there is no wrong answer. i genuinely do think your recovery should take priority over his feelings. the fact that you care so much about not making him feel bad even after everything that happened is pretty much proof you have more capacity for empathy and compassion than he had when you were little. you're not a bad person, and i can repeat that as many times as i need to for you to consider it for real. you're just trying to navigate life after childhood trauma, and it's confusing and hard and complex in all the worst ways. but the bottom line is that it's your choice where you go from here, and no one should be able to shame you for it. if you want to cut him off, if you want to limit contact, if you want to talk to him about the past - all of those options are totally valid and understandable. whatever you need, it's okay. i also think reaching out to a professional about this might be of great help to you, if you're able to. a counsellor, a therapist, a support group in your area - verbalizing what you've been through and listening to an outside perspective on it might be really cathartic. esp in regard to how you view your dad. i know it's a really scary step, but i just hope you know that there is support out there once you feel ready to seek it. sending you a lot of love. please go easy on yourself. it's a good thing to put yourself first. x

[schizosupport]

hey :) so im currently having what is likely psychotic episode, ive experienced various trauma both through childhood and with sexual abuse, and currently have struggles with eating, self harm and also have extremely severe anxiety, depression and then bpd and adhd too

i think more than anything i just want the validation that it is psychosis, that it likely isn't real but it's okay, and that getting help IS a good thing, bc ive been rejected from the public health system for it bc apparently im not psychotic and it wont get worse- as well as any advice on what to do about it all (im in australia if that helps)

uhm. so there's this guy called lamben that showed up about two months ago now, and since then hes explained stuff around me needing to help him take down the queen of the opposing nation, bc shes hurting his people and he brought me some of the victims and theyd had severe burns and everything and it's all more around magic

and so ive been asked to train with him to use the powers i have that are stronger than all of his peoples, which i can see it's like black smoke almost, and then also talking to this other guy called kesan whos the queens assistant thats against what's happening

and so there's been a plan made and everything of how to infiltrate the castle and im terrified rn of going through with it in case i get caught and stuck and i dont take her down i get taken captive

and idk if i sound dumb but like. either im able to connect with another world or its psychosis

and everyones saying it isnt real but i need help navigating it all if youre able to offer anything at all

tysm, know this was a bit of a dump but ty 🫶🫶

Hi there!!

I'm happy you reached out to me. It sounds like you got a lot of stressful stuff going on at the moment, both in shared reality and private reality.

To respond very simply, what you describe sounds like a flavour of psychosis to me, based on my understanding of reality, and I hope you can access some competent help with it. It sounds like a really stressful position you've been put in, where you are the only one who has the ability to save these people you feel have been contacting you.

I'm wondering how you experience your connection to this world? Is it as if reality around you changes, are they coming to you in dreams, or a third option?

I'm asking because I'm wondering what it might entail in "shared reality" to infiltrate the queen's castle? If you think about the actions you'd have to take, is this something that could put you in danger or trouble within the reality that we share with most people?

I'm not doubting your experience and that it's a type of psychosis, I'm asking to get a feeling of what the "real life" implications are of your beliefs and the actions you are being asked to perform. It sounds like you are aware that these beliefs and experiences are unusual, and at the very least aren't aligned with the reality other people are generally experiencing. So I am hoping you are able to think through how you've been interacting with this other world so far, to compare how your actions would appear in shared reality.

Because the first question to think about is whether this has the potential to be dangerous to you or others. Because if it does, you may need to escalate the asking for help. I don't know a lot about Australia, but in my country that would look like contacting emergency services if you feel that you are in danger of doing something that can be dangerous. But I would suggest trying to ask someone Australian, to confirm if what emergency services has to offer is actually helpful.

If the answer is no, it's not dangerous, that doesn't mean it isn't causing you significant distress. But it means you have more space to safely explore your options for help in your own pace.

It might also be that the distress it's causing you is in some ways a welcome distraction from other brain and life issues at the moment. Sometimes psychosis can be a type of escapism that the brain engages in. For example if you feel powerless, it can feel good to have special powers to save others, at least for a while, until the pressure might get to be too much.

It's not necessarily black and white, only good or bad.

As far as help goes, I wonder if you currently have anyone like a therapist or anyone like that, to work through trauma etc with? Or other types of support? Psychosis can definitely be heavily linked to stress, and lacking support to work through other difficulties you're facing can make it worse. The help offered for psychosis itself is unfortunately often somewhat lackluster, often it starts and ends with antipsychotics, even though psychotic people do benefit from therapy. There's at the same time a tendency for mh professionals to dismiss symptoms of psychosis, and to focus on them very single-mindedly. Many people experience either being dismissed, or to have the psychosis being acknowledged while everything else gets pushed to the side. So it can be complicated to navigate the system while having psychosis and other issues that tie in with it.

I hope some of this was helpful, feel free to return to my inbox. I wish you the best ❤️

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw child abuse (physical)

Hello, and thank you for all that you do! I think I'm just looking for support, since I know you can't tell me what really happened, and maybe any advice you can think of to help me cope with my feelings.

I've been repeatedly having a flashback of when I was really little and being beaten by my father. I've been told that I never was, and he says he just threatened it a few times before and didn't actually do it. But I have a memory of it happening and as time goes on I find myself remembering it more and more often. I don't know if it's real or not though. I have memory issues due to ADHD and there was one instance as a young child where I had a memory that wasn't real, but I'd been told about it often enough I thought I'd experienced it. So I don't know if my father beating me is a made up memory (which has only happened the one time before) and the idea of it scared me so badly it got wired into my brain, or if it actually happened. I know neither of us will be able to know what really happened, but it really scares me and spikes my anxiety. My relationship with my dad is really strained due to a multitude of reasons, and I'm really questioning myself and him and if it really happened or not. I already feel gaslit by myself because of my memory problems, and this memory scares me a lot and I don't know how to cope with it. Whether it was real or not, it really affected me and it's still affecting me and I don't know how to deal with it.

Thank you for listening to me vent, and for any advice you might have on trying to cope with overwhelming feelings

Hello,

Thank you for your compliment :)

Regardless of whatever the specifics are in your past, I’d like to start off by commending you for reaching out and seeking advice for what sounds like a really difficult situation when it comes to trying to manage symptoms. Whether you are able to label, and/or recall the memories of traumatic events, doesn’t make the trauma any less valid - I’m not sure if you’ve heard of it, but there’s a book called, “The Body Keeps The Score” that speaks to how our bodies hold and process trauma (here’s a 11+ YouTube video that summarizes the core principles). It, or any resources regarding trauma amnesia (a blog article that can help you familiarize yourself with some terminology for further searches), might be a validating resource to read up on, especially if you are concerned that you are gaslighting yourself.

Because you mentioned having ADHD, I’d like to share some resources/articles that help me in my own healing journey since I have the same diagnosis - here’s an article that explains how some of the symptoms between ADHD and trauma overlap (the reason being that studies/scans show how both impact our pre-frontal cortex). The article does a good job of advocating for more research between the two, and not insisting that having one, invalidates the diagnosis of another, but how the two can understandably compound one another. The site, ADDtitude has several more resources as well, including several free downloadable options for symptom management and advocacy (though of course you are always welcome to look through our coping page on our blog’s website for quick grounding techniques that might be helpful as well - including several apps for mental health support/wellness).

At the end of the day, what you are experiencing is hard - and your feelings in relation to it valid - and you deserve both healing, and the tools to live a life where you are not merely surviving, but thriving. I hope some of these links might be a helpful starting point.

- Mod Kat

[yourladystar]

Star's Engage Catalogue Day 29 (part 1)

Sorry for the abrupt cutoff yesterday, something came up. But before I start the paralogue, I wanna really highlight just how hard it is for me to pick who I want to give the pact ring to. So allow me to go into detail of the 10 candidates I have for this.

Yeah, you heard me right.

I said 10.

I was really hoping last night would make it easier for me, but no.

Also, this isn't in any order from least likely to most like, it's just how they're listed in the support list I have for Alear right now.

Seadall

Y'all already know by this point that I fell in love with Seadall the second we got a screenshot of him and I went feral when he first appeared in the game. This man is absolutely gorgeous, his voice is soothing, and he has an enjoyable personality and an interesting backstory. And I like how it works for his and Alear's supports.

Rosado

Outside of being a gender-nonconforming icon, Rosado is so likable and his supports with Alear was surprisingly really good. Having someone in your life who not only validates what you do but understands it is so satisfying, and I can totally picture these two adventuring to find the next hidden beauty the world has to offer.

Yunaka

This one genuinely shocked me. If you remember the tier list I made before Engage came out, you know I didn't have high hopes for Yunaka. And when the game came out and I saw the fandom reception to her, I got even less enthusiastic about her. I felt like I was gonna get another meme character who's only noteworthy for one thing that the fandom beats into being outdated faster than it became popular.

Boy was I wrong!

Reading her supports and learning about her past, struggles, and newfound goals skyrocketed her to being one of my favorites, and Alear's supports with her was part of it.

I know she's a fan favorite, but you guys are honestly not giving her the proper attention.

Diamant

I love both the Brodia brothers and while I like Alcryst more, I ain't about to sell Diamant short. His supports with Alear really sold it for me. The two were able to see each other's vulnerabilities, came to understand each other outside of their painted views, and are now comfortable with being who they are underneath their brave exteriors with each other.

You gotta love a pairing where the two expressing their weaknesses brings them closer.

Zelkov

Zelkov is a character who just gets better with each support of his I unlock. It is actually unfair how amazing this character is. And I love his supports with Alear.

I'm a sucker for pairings where character A has a hobby or interest that others find either weird or disturbing, but character B not only finds it interesting, but actively engages with character A on it. It's one of the main reasons why Shinsai is one of my favorite Danganronpa ships.

Even if I don't pick him, there's no denying these two got great chemistry.

And their A-support was cute as hell.

Alfred

Even discounting their supports, Alfred feels like the option the story itself is going for. I have been taking screenshots of every gay moment these two have shared and it's a lot.

I tend not to care for canon pairings ever since I've come to realize that shipping one character with multiple people is fine, along with the fact that a lot of canon pairings in Fire Emblem don't hit it for me, but these two feel the most expected by Engage's narrative and they do a damn good job at making you believe it.

Ivy

I love this absolute cringe-fail of a woman. I love every moment that showcases her as the walking barely functioning disaster she is and her supports with Alear balances this with her softer side that just wants a break from the hell that is her life.

The Elusia sisters both deserve a vacation to just not worry about anything.

Alcryst

I knew from his first scene that I was gonna love Alcryst, yet that still feels like an understatement. Soft boys with anxiety really draw me in, and Alcryst being an absolute sweetheart on top of it sold me so hard on him.

Also, I know I commented on Alfred having notable gay moments with Alear, but Alcryst also had his fair share of them.

I just love my Brodia boys and I want them to have happiness.

Amber

I love this f*cking idiot so Goddamn much! He is such a lovable goofball who makes me smile anytime he's on screen! His supports with Alear are simple yet so cute to watch these two dorks bounce off each other.

Amber honestly has good chemistry with every character I've had him talk to, which is kinda nuts!

Pandreo

And last but certainly far from least. Pandreo was someone who I knew was gonna have an interesting dynamic with from the moment he and Alear met, and I was not disappointed by that. You really can't get any more of a wish fulfillment than being able to hang out daily with the very deity your church worships.

Also, Pandreo seeing more of Alear's humanity by inviting him to his parties and being kinda embarrassed about it is funny and adorable.

But yes, this is my current dilemma.

I'm just hoping that by the time I'm done with the paralogue, I'll finally have my answer.

[nothoughtheadempty]

So I saw the Erha post. Based of the notes I'm sure people are going of at you right now and while I will say the way you worded your post was kinda rude I wanted to approach you in good faith and give my view of the stuff you mentioned.

You say you find Mo Ran awful but I find him to be a complex and fascinating character. He starts of very flawed and confused but the story quickly starts unraveling and challenging that. This then increases as we see him and Xia Sini and the softer moments between him and CWN after. Then when the HR opens he faces a massive shit in perspective which sees him realise his mistakes and start the work to become a better person. 0.5 TXJ is an awful person but if you read as far as you did then you should have picked up on enough of the hints to known there's more going on behind that.

Beyond that I cannot understand the claim that MR's bad behavior isn't challenged by the narrative? It very much is and he is forced to recon with the consequences of his actions both as TXJ and MR 1.0 a lot over the course of the story.

I also don't know where you are getting the claim that CWN thinks of love as a contract or that MR shames CWN for his body. TXJ does do that but the story calls his behavior out and has them deal with that.

If you didn't like SM or get his plan that's fair, I think it works but that's personal taste. I guess all of it is personal taste to a degree but (and I don't mean to be rude here) you seem to have somehow read through enough of the story to reach that reveal without noticing any of the character development.

I saw someone in the notes say you like WangXian so imagine if someone complained about them and said that WWX only fell for LWJ because he had no other options and felt indebted to him. Or called LWJ cold and unfeeling? I'd say the text of MDZS proves that false and I'd say the same about Erha.

I hope that clears up some stuff.

hi, thank you so much for reaching out!

after your response (as well as the other ones) I realised that I wasn't being really nice barging in the fandom's tag with that attitude, it was kinda rude and I apologize

I must say that I read the novel a while ago, so my memory may also be biased, but I feel like that the character development didn't "cover" (sorry I don't have a better word for that) the negative aspects I saw in the story, that are also obviously easier to remember

despite that, I now understand where you all are coming from, especially considering that I might have glossed over some important aspects of the plot by focusing more on the duo's relationship

the wangxian comparison is interesting to me because I actually never taught about it this way, I see it as totally valid point and I should take it in more consideration

thank you again for taking the time to help me clear things up, I'll also make a new post tagging everyone in the replies to answer them as well

I hope I was able to explain myself better than before

have a nice day!

[mollynicolemurphy]

My Former Boyfriend

I just noticed someone online use the term former husband and I thought to myself… hmmmmm. Why former and not ex? So I took it to google and found a variety of pages with a comparison between the two terms. A few people believe that a parting of ways, when two people are on good terms constitutes the use of “former” rather than ex. It is more formal, honorable and respectable. I’ve gotten back on the Meta social platforms in the last two days and of course my feed is flooded with stuff on relationships. Could be of what I was always reposting or they could be tracking this blog… but nevertheless, reading all the things have been validating. True love is when you’re able to let someone go and detach with love. Now this doesn’t make it any less painful, but I said to my best friend tonight it’s a different kind of pain than I’ve experienced in the past. It’s a standing in my power kinda pain, it’s an inner knowing that I must trust kinda pain and a understanding that surrender is the only option. However, if you love yourself and you love that person, it’s the only real way to show them respect. And let me tell you, my former boyfriend is the only man ive ever truly respected and wanted to really honor. Yet I didn’t know how soooooo many of my behaviors, traits, words, energies and unhealed beliefs were creating the opposite experience for him. Leaving this man I still feel is the most deserving of honor and respect to feel/ controlled and managed. And that is what is most painful right now. A lot of my actions caused him to completely lose himself in the relationship. And that is the exact thing he was trying to find. David Deida talks about this in The Way of the Superior Man. It’s a book I’ve read three times and I really swear by his views on masculine and feminine energy. The masculine must be focused on their purpose or mission in this world otherwise they feel out of alignment. The feminine focuses on relationships. The role of the feminine is to be loving, adoring, acknowledging of the masculine on his journey and meet her own needs. I’m telling you, relationships will continue to fail in this world if we are not putting our own needs first. We become resentful at the other person and end up having to part ways because of the inability to change the dynamic and stand in our power. This is exactly what happened with my former boyfriend, our unhealed codependent parts were in control and we each lost ourselves because of our deep love and connection. So ultimately, a relationship cannot exist in harmony if you each become lost. So my work now is to find myself. And I know that’s the exact work my former boyfriend has set out to do as well. What a beautiful journey we each get to take… My heart does hope there will be a day in the future where can sit down for coffee and share about our individual journeys. He is one of my favorite people to listen to, but who knows what will happen… right now I can tell you for sure that isn’t something in which I’m remotely concerned. All I am focused on is the journey and what I will discover along the way. Perhaps, I meet another man and find even greater love!? Anything is possible! And the only thing I want from my from my former boyfriend is that he finds inner peace and happiness. Well and maybe an apology for ending our relationship via text. 🙈🤣

[rabidmind101]

I’m gonna take a minute while I have some down time to ponder the possibility of a relationship with A on MY end.

when they told me they had never been in a relationship and have trouble showing emotions, it was an instant red flag and big no-no in my mind. mind you, I had already had my mind set on something casual so it did not hurt me in any way.

the first time we had to have an uncomfortable and serious conversation, I was honestly shocked at how well they handled the situation. my expectations as to how they would communicate with me were pretty low. and this being our first deep convo, I wasn’t expecting much at all. it took them about a day to really gather their thoughts, and when we called on that day they were hesitant to provide answers, we eventually did get some answers out of them and got to discuss how we felt in a very mature way fit for the both of us. what I was looking for from that conversation was:

1. were they okay with not being in a relationship

2. were they okay with doing sexual things

3. were they happy with how things were going and want to continue

and all those questions were answered for me. not only that, but it made me realize that they are better handling confrontation than I thought. I wanted to make sure I provided a comfortable setting for them to open up to me and I think I have. we decided in the future that we wouldn’t text about any important issues again and that if I had to, I would call them. and while I would expect a casual partner to be generally good at communication, they exceed that in a way because I find their personality, interests, and social life so intriguing. I feel like keeping them as a casual dating thing would do both of us a disservice because there is so much that’s gone unexplored. I mean, where we are now we already are fucking head over heels for each other.

I guess my hesitation with this comes from how I handled my past relationship. I basically just went off of a feeling and dove right in without thinking about anything. and I ended up with a lying, cheating, whiny little man. yeah I felt physically comfortable around D, never thought he would harm me or anything. but around A it’s a different kind of comfort. since we’re both nonbinary I feel comfort in my identity. I don’t have to worry about relationship gender roles. I don’t have to worry about looking fem, shaving, being questioned for my friendships with men, and I can express my personality to someone who REALLY gets it!

I feel like a relationship with A could be fulfilling for me. I have the feelings that are most definitely mutual, they help me feel valid in my identity, we can talk for hours, similar interests, they have lots of friends (not a fucking loser like D), our dynamic works well, and most importantly, we are able to have open and direct communication about topics that are uncomfortable to discuss, but we are able to do so because we find the conversation important to ourselves and to our relationship.

I guess I’m pretty solid with how I feel about them and the potential of a committed relationship. my only concerns now are if they are actually up for it. they did say that they were “down for anything”. meaning they would be open to a friendship, something casual, or perhaps something serious. like they’re not too picky at this point. I really hope that what I’ve told them in the past hasn’t scared them away from that possibility with me. I know if someone told me they wanted to have a casual relationship so they can keep their options open, I would probably be hurt if I really was into them. it would definitely make me question the intentions of the person. and then if they came back and was like “actually never mind”, I would find that also very questionable.

I guess I just hope that, considering our closeness and openness to each other, they would understand that although I was confident in what I said then, that I am capable of changing my mind. and I’ll admit it, it’s not like I fear commitment at all. I am very fond of commitment, and I do it very well. I am just particular about who I commit to because I need to deem them “worth it”.

WOAHHH REALIZATION. so that is what’s changed for me. I’ve gone from hesitant to commit to a relationship, to realizing that this person would be worth a mutual commitment.

[twopoppies]

One thing that I had believed before, but which I believe was made abundantly clear by the video that Shia released, is that Harry was absolutely brought on last minute, and with the sole purpose of being able to financially save the film via his star power and that stupid, stupid stunt. Harry has a dodgy accent in the film? No shit, if he was brought in at the last second with no time to train or prepare with a dialogue coach and a director who literally didn't care. I think it's important to remember that at the time H signed on to this film, the future of music touring was looking horrendously grim, and I think people forget just how many OTHER people were depending on H to be a huge cash cow for years to come. I'm sure viewed through that lens jumping into this project seemed like a good idea at the time (and I do have to wonder if, at the time, he was even encouraged / welcomed by say Zach and Flo who might have helped sell him on the project). While in a certain way he was as much a victim as Flo was in having to participate in that stunt, in the same way I think Flo is right to highlight through her own behavior that in the end he was not willing to take some kind of high road in order to publicly protect her or others on the film. While we as fans see some of his subtle acts of rebellion, those are largely lost on the GP. At the same time, I don't think even Flo is quite in the same position as Harry where an entire industry has already been built around you and people are literally depending on you for their bread and butter, and you're often having to choose between two or three equally bad options. In the end I hope those two at least can come to some kind of reconciliation and understanding that they were both victims and I am so, so, so thankful that this shitshow is almost over and we can all forget this ever happened.

Hi honey. Yeah, I think it’s very clear that he was a last minute replacement and given how nervous Shia — a seasoned actor — was about lack of rehearsals, I’m not surprised that Harry’s acting isn’t that good. If you have a string director and a strong script, you can pull a good performance out of a novice. He was great in Dunkirk. And it sounds like he is great in My Policeman.

Your point about touring being a big question mark is a very valid one. Tons of people relying on him, and no sign of work happening would be a big motivator.

Everything following the signing on to this film was a huge misstep. And it’s really sad that his image is so focused on not rocking the boat, that he ends up looking self-centered and unsupportive of his costars. It’s possible his hands were tied, contractually, but the GP only sees that he didn’t stand up for Florence, and that he willingly went along with having the film be centered on him to the exclusion of everyone else in the cast. It just sucks.

I cannot wait for this fiasco to be behind is. The only good I can see is that he didn’t acknowledge Olivia once and I hope that continues until we finally get the break up we all deserve.

[nonpracticinghumanbeing]

TW: physical assault, non-consensual violence and permanent bodily harm, sadomasochism

(Oookay, here we go. This was inspired by some very lovely comments by @dylanndr and later by a take @andreabezj as well as a discussion about the toe scene I had on Facebook.)

I wrote a lot about the toe scene (here) and I’m sure everyone knows how I feel about it. What I feel needs adding as it’s also very important, is a discussion of the larger context of the scene. In all of the scenes that come after we can see that Izzy is completely different than he was before. He seems much more alive and a lot lot LOT HAPPIER (to the extent he’s capable of happiness) than we’ve ever seen him prior to this point. This is such a clear proof of just how much Edward doing it to him - and FOR HIM - meant to Izzy. He was not only seen for who he really is, but was also shown understanding and respect for something that is a core aspect of his identity. Edward has shown him that he accepts him just the way he is, and that he is willing to give him what he needs to feel good and safe. And for someone who’s clearly doing everything he can to suppress his sexuality that must have felt even more validating.

That’s not to say that Edward doing it was in any way a good thing when we consider the larger context of the whole story. I really don’t want my having a meltdown over how hot and lovely I find that scene to be misconstrued as a romanticization of abusive relationships. Because Edward and Izzy’s relationship IS mutually abusive, which no sane person would be able to deny. Yes, Ed gives Izzy exactly what he needs and makes him seen and respected, but as it was wonderfully worded by someone of Facebook, it reinforces Izzy’s belief that abuse (’cause let’s remember it was non-consensual, so it can’t be called anything other than abuse) equals care and thus it probably does more harm than good long-term.

The thing is that their whole relationship is like some goddamn Greek tragedy where neither of them really can do anything other than what they end up doing. They are both prisoners of both other people's expectations and their own self-image. It's heartbreaking and extremely unhealthy, but I honestly can't imagine them going any other way about it.

Izzy has built his whole identity around not just being a pirate, but being Blackbeard's first mate. Unlike Edward, he does know what retirement is, but he can't see it as a viable option for either of them. He's obviously increasingly distressed by Ed's relationship with Stede, but willing to suffer it as long as he has even a glimmer of hope that Blackbeard - the dreaded pirate capable of killing Stede - is in there. As soon as he realizes it's not going to happen, he immediately takes things into his own hands and challenges Stede to a duel. When he loses and Ed makes him stick to the rules and leave the Revenge - which obviously breaks Izzy’s heart - his response is to make a deal with Badminton in a desperate attempt to get Blackbeard back, even though it's the last thing Edward wants or needs.

Of course in Izzy’s mind it's all justified because he tells himself that he's saving his captain from himself and the certain doom that would come if he continued with Stede. What he is incapable of admitting - even to himself - is that he is doing it for himself because he can't probably even imagine a world where he is anything other than Blackbeard's first mate. For whatever reason he desperately needs to keep that reality alive, so when Ed makes a comment about why are we even being pirates, Izzy gets terrified because his whole world is in peril. So of course he has to push Edward into his old lifestyle, and it doesn't matter that in doing so he hurts Ed, the only person he supposedly cares about.

As for Edward, he has one goal here and it’s to make Izzy stay - he’s already lost both Jack and Stede and Izzy is his only real connection at this point. For all his mood swings and excitability, Ed is actually quite good at reading people and giving them what they want. He does that with the aristocrats at the fancy party and is able to entertain them for quite some time (yes, they are othering him the whole time because of his race and treating him like a circus act and not like a person, but he does give them what they want). He does it with Calico Jack, to such an extent that Stede actually calls him out on that. And he does it with Izzy as well. As I already wrote in the previous piece, after Izzy gets visibly excited at being choked, Edward obviously realizes hurting him is the one sure way to make him stay.

This does not at all mean that it’s a good or healthy choice. For all my getting soft and having a total meltdown over how beautiful the toe scene is, I will never claim it was anything other than abusive. It’s just that I don’t see any other option for Ed here. Should he have talked with Izzy about it? In a healthy relationship that would be the proper course of action, but at this point Izzy is already so disgusted by Edward becoming whatever it is that he’s become that any attempt at having a conversation would be an invitation to a new betrayal on Izzy’s part. Not to mention that Izzy is obviously incapable of admitting it even to himself that it’s something he needs, let alone anyone else. 

The healthiest choice for Ed would be to get rid of Izzy altogether, as their relationship is mutually abusive and they continue to bring out the worst in each other. But that would be very problematic as well, even if Izzy wasn’t the only real connection Edward had left. Because realistically speaking, what could Edward have done here? Make Izzy leave? That would most certainly end up with Izzy coming up with yet another scheme to get Blackbeard back. Kill him? I honestly don’t think Ed could bring himself to do that, even with all the rage of the Kraken, because in his own fucked up way he really cares about Izzy. I’m not defending Edward’s decision to do what he did here - because like I said before it only serves to reinforce a harmful belief system for someone who already clearly equates abuse with care - but I REALLY can’t see any better option for him here.

This is what breaks my heart the most about Izzy. (I’ve already written about what he means to me as someone who shares his masochistic tendencies here.) For whatever reason - I’d LOVE to know his backstory - he’s unable to admit that he craves submission, as he believes that would make him less of a man. He desperately needs it but is incapable of asking for it. So the only way for him to have his needs fulfilled is by goading someone into doing the thing he needs. There is a horrible problem with communication here and if Ed didn’t do what he ended up doing - which I will never call anything other than abusive - the situation would have probably escalated even further and ended in an even greater tragedy.

Putting it in BDSM terms, Izzy not only wants to be in a 24/7 s&m relationship, he also doesn’t believe in safewords or hard limits or negotiation. He needs things to be done to him without his consent. I can’t stress enough how unhealthy this is. There ARE people who are into extreme forms of s&m play. There ARE people who have abduction fantasies or rape fantasies, or want to be 24/7 slaves. But even that - or ESPECIALLY that - requires negotiation beforehand. There is such a thing as consensual non-consent, but it has to be carefully discussed before any action is taken. And it takes a lot of trust for a submissive to be willing to do that, and a very strong dominant - who knows both themselves and their sub well enough to be sure they won’t cause any ACTUAL harm - to agree to that.

Izzy is incapable of discussing his needs, the best he can do is give Edward non-verbal clues that this is something he needs. He’s obviously meant to serve as a metaphor for toxic masculinity in the show. So of course admitting that he wants and needs to submit to another man would be unthinkable to him. Because in his book any man willingly submitting to another is an abomination. We can see it in the way he acts when he thinks Edward was a bottom for Stede in the fencing lesson scene. It’s not just about him thinking they had sex, I think he might have accepted that - like he accepted Ed being involved with Calico Jack - if he didn’t feel the natural order of things was disturbed here by Stede topping Ed.

Which brings me to the SECOND issue with Izzy. It’s not only that he believes he deserves any and all punishment that Edward decides to dole out to him and that he craves non-consensual violence. He also needs Edward to be the perfect dom 100% of the time, because otherwise he can neither respect nor trust him. That's actually quite common among submissives; I've seen it discussed time and time again in pretty much every single place kinksters exchange their views and experiences. Many subs - usually those who are inexperienced and just getting into s&m, but that's not a rule - see doms as a kind of larger-than-life creatures who are always at the top of their game and never fail or make mistakes. It's a technique to protect one's ego and self-worth, 'cause submitting to such a person is a whole lot easier than doing it with someone who might not be 100% perfect. Only perfect people don't exist and such an approach is VERY damaging to doms finding themselves in a relationship with a sub who thinks like this.

So Edward suddenly and unexpectedly finds himself in a situation where he's not only pressed for time - with the threat of Izzy either leaving or betraying him again becoming more real by the minute - but also needs to perform up to Izzy’s insane standard of what the perfect dom should be. He basically has his back against the wall here as Izzy leaves him little choice other than to resort to horrible non-consensual violence. Now, I refuse to fall into the trap so many in the fandom seem to enjoy falling into and play the devil’s advocate here or do victim blaming and say that Edward had the right to do what he did. It was his choice to cross the boundaries and assault Izzy when he was the most vulnerable - it’s so important that he goes to Izzy’s cabin when he’s asleep and almost naked, something that we’ve never seen before and something that is a complete opposite of how he is usually presented. It IS absolutely horrific. But I still say it’s also what Izzy needed and I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.

That’s what I adore about this show. The way it’s written is just so complex. They are both terrible abusive men who shouldn’t be allowed to be around each other at all. And yet in a way - a horrible, abusive, toxic way - they also care about each other. Was Edward WAY out of line to perform such a horrible act of non-consensual violence? YES. Was it what Izzy needed to feel safe around his captain again? Also YES. Will it do even more harm to Izzy in the future as it makes him believe that by abusing him Edward shows him that he cares? YES for the third time. I know kinksters in the fandom generally enjoyed the way both Izzy as a character and the toe scene in particular are written. My hope is that it’s properly addressed in the second season, because it really needs some resolution.

[ivy-loves-chocolate]

Hello, I really enjoy your wesker stories! I was wondering what would you think of a forced marriage scenario by wesker between wesker and his s/o? If not I totally understand!

Hii anon, thank you so much for reading my fics! I wrote these and I hope this is what you wanted. If not, drop some suggestions in the comments or in the ask box ☺️.

Warnings: a little angst. 

⋆ The moment he saw you, he became obsessed, and it’s not like you could say “no”. 

⋆ You were a scientist in his research team developing Uroborus and he easily noticed you. You didn’t shine among your teammates. You weren’t dumb either. You were just average. Still, you caught the attention of Wesker.

⋆ He played it by the book, meaning he invited you to dates, brought you flowers and let the relationship follow its natural course. He knew everything about you beforehand, so it was easy to make you like him. He studied you like an experiment. He tested your reactions to see if you were worth his time. When he liked what he saw, he went to the next phase. Wesker was a charming guy, with a certain magnetism you could barely resist. When he suggested you move out with him, you agreed, despite not knowing him well enough. He has his way with words, he knows you pretty damn well, and he is able to say what you want to hear. He even convinced you to drop out of the team and live with him full time. He made you his little trophy wife, but it’s not like you can say no. He convinced you it’s better this way. 

⋆ “Come on, quit your job. You didn’t like working with those people anyway. They were so competitive and mean. You have to admit that living with me is better than being stuck in a lab.” The funny part is, it worked. 

⋆ The idea of a forced marriage didn’t sit well with you at first, but as I said, you can’t say “no” to Wesker. When you asked him what he liked about you the most, he said that it was your beauty, intelligence, and personality, which are common things to say and you knew it. What he liked about you is that you never asked questions. You didn’t ask questions when you were working on Uroborus, and you won’t ask him now either. Besides, he overpowers you with ease, so you’re the least stressful thing in his life right now. That’s what he wanted, a pet to be there for him only when he needed it. One of your pet names is “pet” btw. 

⋆ He doesn’t need aggression to make you do things or make decisions, all he needs are his words. He knows that you have a low self esteem and need constant validation, and oh boy he is so eager to provide. 

⋆ You wanted to say no to the marriage, but a painful realisation hit you. Wesker stripped you away from all your friends, family, and career. He put you inside four walls and the only person you have talked to in the past few years is him. Even if you break up with him, it will be very hard to find your path again, so your best option is to marry this man. He gave you the impression that you had a choice, but in reality, your options are very limited. 

⋆ He would treat you well during your marriage, even if it was a forced one. Not only was the marriage forced, but the whole relationship was controlled by him. Still, you didn’t have to worry about one thing, because everything would be served to you on a silver plate. It kinda helped you take your mind off the current situation.  

⋆ He babbles about a new era and you being his queen. You think he’s completely insane and want to decline his offer, but you just can’t say “no” to him. 

Ko-fi ☕️