#but i really just dont feel like they're friends in action about 90% of the time

[hannigramislife]

so i have a question that i swear is meant with complete sincerity (i just want to preface that because i know some people send shitty passive aggressive asks and i dont wanna be misunderstood).

I dislike dazai a lot and for most of the same reasons that you do but i also really dont like jgy for basically all the same reasons. I just know you're a big jgy fan but you really hate dazai and i was wondering how you reconcile those feelings? i assume we just have different interpretations of jgy (mdzs is a vast piece of media and there's a lot of different ways to interpret each character) but i've just been getting more and more curious so i wanted to ask. to be clear, i think it's totally okay to like jgy! the same way i think its okay for dazai fans to like dazai, they're just fictional characters. so this is in no meant as an attack or an 'ah ha!' moment. i just sort of don't understand liking one character and not the other when to me, all of their worst traits are the same and jgy has actually done far worse things than dazai (like murdering his own son)

i hope my ask isnt upsetting at all. you mentioned before liking to discuss meta so i really just want to introduce a conversation and maybe understand your perspective a bit better

Firstly, thank you so much for your polite ask!

I just wanna clear something up – I am not a Jgy fan XD. I see where one might think that, but I can guarantee you, I wanted him dead as fuck and I do not condone his atrocities.

Now, I do have some friends who have talked to me about Jgy, and they're Xiyao and Nieyao fans, respectively, so by talking with them, I have come to understand better some parts of Jgy's character, which have made me more forgiving towards some of his actions. Emphasis on some. Like you said, he and Dazai share the same annoying/frustrating traits, like the fact that they're lying liars 😊

I do appreciate Jgy as a character much more than I do Dazai though, that is correct, and I guess it's because of their narrative roles. Jgy has a very solid and interesting position in mdzs – in a world where social standing is such an important part of the story, the genius, bastard son of one of the wealthiest clans is constantly kicked down (lol couldn't resist), because the system has decided he doesn't deserve the same power as his half-brother, simply because of his birth situation.

And the narrative stays true to it! Time and time again, he is shut down, even when he goes to Lanling with Nie Mingjue's recommendation letter, even when he kills Wen Ruohen, even when he is married to secure his status, fate has fucked him over. It's like trying to watch Icarus reach the sun because he feels he is entitled to it.

Plus, I'm a huge Nieyao fan XD in a "they could have totally gotten married and lived happily ever after, but nooo; some of us have daddy issues *glares at jgy*"

So, this is the reason my posts have stopped being so antagonistic to Jgy, as I like to live in a delusional world where they've reincarnated in the modern world, jgy has some morals, and 3zun is happy 😇

Now, Dazai, on the other hand, I simply can't stand him. Nothing about his story or personality makes me go even as far as "yes, and?" I don't care for him as a character (though I get how he is appealing to people). I don't understand his actions 90% of the time. Plus, his actions are also frustrating and make me mad.

Like when Chuuya used corruption and he was like, "take me back at the place," and Dazai just left his ass there. "Oh, but that's their dynamic," yes, well, it annoys me. Plus, his whole thing with Akutagawa drives me up a wall because how dare you??? Motherfucker??? His first words to Akutagawa after 4 years live in my head rent-free because you could have shown that you became a better person, but nope. Still a dick. "Oh, he did that to set up the rivalry with Atsushi," you know how Beast Dazai did that? Set them up on a date. Boom. Take notes.

I also personally think Dazai either doesn't get Akutagawa fr, or he simply doesn't care to do so because Akutagawa flourishes with encouragement, it's actually sort of insane to see. Anyways. Went on a tangent there.

So yeah, Dazai is annoying, his personality sucks, he's a manipulative bastard, and he is mean to my baby :(

[mazqueen]

I am so tired of Jane and Petra fighting, and it annoys me how it's always Jane getting mad at Petra and Petra being the one to have to always apologize.

This is gonna be long, you’ve been warned.

I agree about Jane and Petra fighting. It’s incredibly tiring to watch and in my opinion completely unnecessary. On the part where Jane is always mad and Petra always has to apologize, I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. That’s only happened once this season, I think? Truthfully, given their personalities, it actually makes sense if 80% of Jane and Petra’s fights are of Petra doing something that pisses Jane off / similar. Because Petra is… Petra and Jane is judgy. It’s bound to happen. And that’s fine. That makes sense. What doesn’t make sense to me is how they seem to fight/disagree, way too much about every single thing.

I get that people fight. I get that people are going to have disagreements. Especially a pair like Jane and Petra, who are just so different from each other — disagreements are to be expected.  But I think my main problem with them just constantly fighting is that I’ve reached a point where fighting feels like the ONLY thing they ever do anymore. It’s like, the show keeps establishing that they’re friends and family by having Petra and Jane constantly say it out loud, but we never actually see them being one. I get that they can’t just always write Petra and Jane having a nice time during brunch all the time because it doesn’t move the storyline. But I just feel like there should be other ways to get them to interact without getting them into a fight every single time. We always get a few Jetra-heavy episodes every so often, right? And in my head, it’s just… why not have one where there’s an external conflict they have to deal with, instead of giving us yet another conflict between the two.

Jane and Petra don’t have to be best friends, but the way they portray these two lately, just kind of makes me wonder like… what exactly do they do at brunch? Do they just sit, eat and never talk? I get that they probably also interact beyond what we’re shown onscreen because it’s a show, and you can’t put literally everything and squish it into 40 minutes. But when I watch Jane and Petra interact in the scenes that they do show onscreen recently, it always feels like they barely know each other at all. It’s like their closeness is still at the same level as it was in season two, almost. Or actually, I’d argue it’s worse than season two. Which makes absolutely no sense if they’ve really been spending time together every Saturday for about four years now. Plus, they keep calling each other ‘friend’!!! I mean honestly, unless all they ever do is have disagreements over their weekly brunches… a lot of things just really doesn’t make sense to me in terms of their relationship right now.

Think about it. In season two, Jane and Petra’s friendship was kind of new, but Petra went out of her way to subsidize Jane’s rent so she could live in her dream house. Petra went to yell at Angelique Harper with Jane when they thought she stole Jane’s idea. Jane went out of her way to see Magda in prison just to help Petra out of the Milos situation. Jane helped Petra with the baby stuff and postpartum depression. There’s a lot more that I won’t list down. But again, this is SEASON TWO and they were barely friends at the time, but they certainly acted like they were friends. Then we jump to season three/four, where they’re supposedly friends. Supposedly family. Supposedly spend brunches every week on Saturday.

Expectation: Petra calls in a favor for Jeffrey Mullins the first time Jane asked her to (I think it was 4x04?) because Jane is her friend and she just wants to help.Reality: Petra calls him so that they can move past their fight, making it so that Petra was doing it for selfish reasons.Me: Right.. I’m supposed to believe that Petra in s2 would subsidize Jane’s rent and take no credit for it, but she can’t/won’t call in a simple favor from Jeffrey for Jane now? When they’re supposed to be friends/family. I say bullshit. Also Petra forgetting Jane’s a writer is also bullshit.

Expectation: Jane would be concerned that Anezka and Magda are running around the hotel, knowing what those two are capable of.Reality: There isn’t a single scene or even a casual one liner mention of Jane being concerned, in fact she encourages Raf, the only one helping Petra to stop helping Petra for Raf’s safety, neglecting the issue of Petra’s safety.Me: Right… I’m supposed to believe that Jane in s2 cared enough to protect Petra from abusive Milos but now that they’re actually friends/family she doesn’t care that Petra’s abusers are out to get her. Bullshit. I don’t buy it for a second. And mind you, the whole Magda/Anezka stuff (4x02) happened BEFORE they got into their fight (4x04). So Jane wouldn’t have been upset with her yet at the time and yet nothing. Like I said, I don’t believe it.

The thing about Jane and Petra is that season two already shows us how much potential they have as friends. Season three/four has been slowly ruining that by giving us all these situations that frankly half the time feel unrealistic and make no sense to me. And I 100% blame it on the writers. Most (not all) of the things that have been happening between Jane and Petra is kind of weird for me to process, mostly because I genuinely feel like a lot of stuff should be things they’ve already moved from. It’s almost like, they did a three year time jump with the rest of JTV’s storyline, but they forgot to do the time jump part with Jane and Petra’s relationship because it feels a lot like we’re still right where they left off before the time jump?? I really just… don’t get why they refuse to give Jane and Petra’s friendship the progress it should have had by now. Because it’s not just the fights. Like for example, when Jane’s book was released, I don’t really understand why Petra was either not invited, or Petra opted not to attend the book launch. Petra was literally there and happy for her when she got the call about her book getting published at brunch in 3x11, it seemed like such a nice family moment. So why wasn’t she there? Jane not inviting her makes no sense in my head. Jane inviting her and her not going makes no sense in my head. We don’t exactly know which of the two happened but either way, it’s ???

I keep going back to Saturday brunches. Because while spending that together doesn’t necessarily mean they’d become superduperduper close, it would at least make them a little closer?? Plus the way they talk about brunch like it’s sacred and stuff. And yet they don’t seem to be part of each other’s lives anyway? Not to mention on Jane’s first year of mourning, it would’ve been only Petra and Jane there during brunches. Raf was in prison. And that would’ve also been the same time Petra was going to therapy after getting paralyzed. How is it possible that it feels like they still know nothing about each other? 

Like I said. Either they’ve gotten to know each other during those four years worth of brunches and are friends like they say they are, or they don’t ever talk at all during those brunches (or just endlessly disagree on everything) in which case, can the writers stop making them say they’re friends if they’re not actually friends so that we can all stop expecting them to act like it??? Honestly I’m just… legit confused, someone please explain it to me because. I really… I’m just confused.

[queersturbate]

oooh, yes please. shed all your light having ocd thoughts :)

hello...everyone! LMAO

I didn't expect anyone to want to hear about me thinking Light has OCD! but here we go! (this is with the help of my friend Rio)

This is not an insult to Light's parents because I like the headcanon of them being good parents more than terrible ones. But no parent is perfect and i feel as though they would not be used to mental illnesses/disorders and when you want to raise a perfect child, the child's actions caused by their disorders will make a parent think the child is just acting out and they'll want to punish it. Especially in the 90's (while Light was a child-teen) when OCD and other disorders were looked down upon and thought about incorrectly. They would see Light get overstimulated by things, and do what kids and mentally ill people do when they're overstimulated- he would cry, cover his ears, scream, hide, or lash out. To parents, they would see that as punishable behavior and try to correct it. Which in turn, would cause Light, not wanting to get punished, to suppress these completely normal and valid reactions to being overstimulated and having no support system and see it as a negative thing. Light was brought up to be a perfect child, and OCD helped with that in ways. Just like how Autism makes a lot of people who are autistic a "gifted kid" in school and well behaved for the most part. Being praised for some qualities of your disorder (which you dont know is a disorder, so you just think it's you) and punished for other qualities is really confusing for a child and even an adult.

So Light never learned that these urges and behaviors were okay. He was taught that flipping a switch 5 times, because his brain told him he had to, was annoying. Or turning his plate in circles until it felt right, was weird. Or turning a corner repeatedly until his brain signaled that it was okay, was distracting. He learned that the things his brain was telling him he needed to do were detrimental and harmful of the image his family was so proud of him for. He learned that it is not safe to do the things his brain is telling him to do. So he only flipped switches, turned his plate, rounded a corner once despite his brain signaling that something is going to go wrong and moved on even though his skin itched.

But that's just my headcanon, really. Since we dont know much about Light's childhood except for that he was always a smart kid. But there are a lot of symptoms of OCD that Light just has in canon. Intrusive thoughts, paranoid thinking, constantly checking his actions, having a routine/ritualistic behavior, hypervigilance, repetitive behavior, "hoarding", put togetherness, tidiness. (just a reminder: being neat and tidy =/= OCD) We get to see all of these. I'll give a few examples of the ones people might not be aware of because I don't want to make this too long because I also have another thing I want to talk about.

So like with hoarding, it's not always what you see on Hoarders (tm), it's not always messiness and dead animals hiding under mountains of just trash. I think I can see him as hoarding those books that are lining almost every wall in his bedroom. Books surrounding his bed, books above his desk, books on the wall behind him. Literally hundreds of books. Now, hoarding is not just collecting, but also difficulty getting rid of items, which causes extreme anxiety and stress. Which is more of a headcanon that the reason Light has so many books is because he cannot get rid of them. Anyway. Ritualistic behavior, we saw his routine in school, he seems very particular about it just from what the anime shows us. Also when he has the death note, he puts himself on a schedule, routinely writing names, which we see when L talks about the time the killings occur. When he went to kill raye penber he had every little thing planned out, an exact schedule. Hypervigilance, he's constantly checking over his shoulder, noticing every little detail about people around him. Their intentions, mood, he guesses what they're thinking. One of the scenes that comes to mind is when L shows him the second kira clip and he looks behind him as the officers and talks about how strange it is that nobody explained the video to him. And notices that it's a test when L looks at him.

oh boy! i sure talk a lot! the other thing I wanted to mention is that I think Light also has OCPD (different from OCD, this is a personality disorder) it's possible for someone to have both OCD and OCPD because they're different disorders but it is also extremely rare lol. I just think he has both because I knew a decent amount about OCD before and when I started reading up on OCPD I was noticing a lot of symptoms and traits that I saw in Light. Soooo if you want me to talk about why I think Light has OCPD then lmk again!

OH! Also if you want me to talk about Light and L and how they would co-exist with their own respective mental disorders then lmk because i looooove to think about lawlight and their disorder solidarity LMAO. I think L would teach Light that it's okay to flip switches, turn plates, and round corners as many times as he needs O.O Anyway feel free to ask questions or give me your own thoughts about Light having OCD!

[herelivesahobbit]

Sooooo I FINALLY started watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer properly, after a few failed attempts over the years, but this time I'm getting really into it?? I Get It now, I never used to understand why it was such a cornerstone of popular culture and 90s tv, but it's THE template for the various supernatural shows and movies (pun not intended LOL) that came after it, I can see so many things that were homaged or outright copied in later media!

It has this unique balance of humor and realism with skin crawling horror and cheesy action sequences and genuine pathos, it's so well-done, the dialogue is so crisp, the casting is so perfect! The teenagers for once feel like actual teenagers. The supernatural elements are handled so well, they're just that perfect balance of look-it's-tv-and-we-dont-have-the-budget-so-lets-own-this-cheesy-shit and yet believably macabre, I love it.

My favorite aspect is the high school setting and the episodes set in and around ordinary school/town life, the whole "horror in the midst of normalcy" thing really works. Some of it is really dark too, and they don't shy away from exploring dark themes.

And I love Buffy as a protagonist, Sarah Michelle Geller is effortlessly charming and infuses Buffy with so much heart, and I like that she's the "chosen one" but she isn't over powered and revered, she gets her ass kicked sometimes, she takes time to learn new skills, she doesn't always "win" and her friends call her out on her bullshit. But she's also like really protective of everybody in a very "its the duty of the strong to protect the weak" kind of way and I love that vibe coming for a tiny 16 year old girl (it's very dany from asoiaf lol I just like it when physically small teenage girls scare the shit out of everyone around them, it's really satisfying). All of her friends and helpers are all fleshed out, interesting characters in their own right, and like I said before, perfectly casted, like every single person is very watchable on screen and you're rooting for them all.

As a fan of vampire media in general, this one has been on the to-watch list for a while and I was fully expecting to find it underwhelming and be all "god so what's the big deal about this" but ya know what. I really like it. It's better, in terms of writing, than all the vampire/supernatural shows that came after it with a better budget, with the exception of s1 and 2 of True Blood. Like, it holds up, for the most part, the twists and the turns and the monsters, all of it works. Well, I'm only just finishing season 1, so let's see what lies ahead.

Also 1000000% into the buffy/angel ship, I get it, I'm here for it, the chemistry is sizzling, sign me up for the pain, thank you.

[finsterhund]

Thinking

The reason I've been so depressed this past week is because I'm getting too old. It's frightening. Extremely frightening. I haven't mentally aged (beyond getting wiser and having more experience) since I was about 8 or 9 but my legal age, and more pressingly, my body have. And the fact that I am a very sickly person means that I'm aware of my mortality more than most people are. I can ignore it most of the time but now it's just sorta snuck up on me and I'm terrified. My bones are getting weaker, my chronic pain worsens, the flare ups when the air pressure changes are getting to the point that it can keep me off my feet when it happens.

I'm also aware of the fact that especially since moving up north that I don't have hardly any friends in real life within visiting range. I don't have people who can come over and hang out. Not only that, but I really can't deny how not having friends who will actually play with me, legitimately, actual play engagements, really does get me down more than I let on. Running around and having adventures and acting out fun elaborate stories like some sort of live action role playing isnt something I've actually gotten to do in a very very long time, because that's something most people grow out of incredibly quickly. I'm just sorta, starved for emotional stimulation, attention, and experiences. There really isn't a cure for this either.

Being stuck unable to mentally mature means that after a certain point socializing in a way that is natural for me becomes impossible. It's a very lonely experience and tbh it's made my depression a fair bit worse.

I also fear that me not getting access to medical attention is going to eventually mean i won't be able to at all and that it will be too late.

I'm just such an extremely lonely person, and I guess that's making the fact that I have a trauma disorder worse. Lack of mental stimulation means there's nothing to keep the voice of "hyperarousal" (stupid name for it but that's the official one) away.

I have trouble playing games and watching movies because my life just is so empty so much of the time that they're not enough to sedate how rabid my brain gets. I can't focus on things.

I'm sure I'm thinking so much about these things because my friend will be gone for a whole month and all that.

I got a large dog helium balloon that is very nice that I want to try to photograph. I am staring at it and it helps me feel better.

I keep thinking of how my birth mom is trying really hard to coerce me back there but I know I won't be healthy because she puts things above my personhood and safety. But the desire for parental affection is really strong.

I think first thing I need to get my friend to help me with when he gets back is to finally put me back on some sort of medicine for my disorder because although things weren't perfect back in like 2015 things felt easier to manage. But I think that was also because more things were going on in my life too.

I think it's that I know I should be making the nost of the time I have left but I'm incapable of doing things by myself.

My brain keeps beobg drawn back to the 90s where I can pretend I had a better childhood with better parents and everything appeared as if it was so much more simpler back then.

I'm sorry I've latched onto beanie babies so tightly that's just the biggest manifestation of that. I need too get back into the swing of drawing HoD fan art and scanning my traditional commissions but I'm realizing that I crave physical stimuli in life. The beanies are physical toys with more textile variation than copies of the game or digital stimuli. Its why I latch onto stuffed Whisky so much.

I think something that would really help would be to fix up vintage toy dogs and get them collars and stuff like that. I feel the failure with the baking soda upset me a bit too much.

I hope everything goes back to normal. I wish I could be self sufficient.

Also world news is very dark and depressing, bad people in the world, fears about the future of the websites I use, friends disappearing, me having to use a computer that isnt the best, just a bunch of factors that I guess tire me out.

My one friend says I need a vacation. Just the ability to go to one of those bright beaches with lots of sand and sit on a chair and drink iced tea and then play in the shallow water for a bit. That sort of thing. Not have to worry about money or anything. Just running around on the beach and having fun. I'm actually scared of the ocean and dont go swimming very much because of my pain but the cliche vacation still sounds very appealing. Just like going to Disneyland or going to Europe does. I wish I wasn't so blegh that I could go to water parks and stuff but that is very situational and health permitting. As is playing in snow. I'd like to go camping too.

Anyways, have a ded Andy.

Idk I'm going to try to sleep now. It's very hot here.