#but i think sam is the one i take the most creative liberties with LOL

[retquits]

i give him new piercings every time i draw him

[jesuschristtakethewheel]

Wanna Bet?

Summary: “I bet you can’t go 24 hours without cussing.”

Warnings: Lots of explicit language. Very creative explicit language. Basically crack humor.

Word Count: 2178 (Officially the longest thing I have ever written)

This is for @navybrat817​ and @stargazingfangirl18​ ‘s writing challenge (i finished with 3 hours to spare lol) and the prompt that I used is bolded below. Although it isn’t smut, I really hope you enjoy!

It started as a bet, as most things do. You couldn’t believe the whole world thought Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, was the epitome of chivalry and good manners. You guess people idolized the 40s as having chivalric gentlemen, who could do no wrong. If you went on national television and told everyone the all-American, patriotic Captain America said twelve variations of the word “fuck” in the last minute, not a single soul would believe you. It was honestly ridiculous and a bit naive of the public to think a man from Brooklyn in the 1930s, who served in the US Army, who had been standing up to bullies ever since he could walk, wouldn’t ever curse. 

When you were preparing to meet Captain America for the first time, you understood that he would be different from what the media portrayed him to be. But you really didn’t expect that you would meet Captain America while he was cursing out a bag of broccoli. The fact that Captain America cursed wasn’t surprising to you, but the fact that Captain America cursed like a sailor -- very, very creatively and for the dumbest of reasons -- was, frankly, both hilarious and offsetting. You didn’t think you would ever be able to get the thought of Steve describing broccoli as “fuckin’ green dickweasels who’re making a mockery of actual trees” out of your head. 

It was an hourly occurrence to hear new inventive curses from Steve, such as “wankhammer”, “fopdoodle”, “douchenozzle”, and “cockwaffle”. Your personal favorite was “fucktangular”, but “asstrumpet” was a close second.

_________

You knew two things: you were exhausted and the world was safe for now. Each step leeched the remaining scraps of energy from your body as you trudged, one step at a time, back to the Avengers Compound. The lingering slime from the aliens that attacked had made its way everywhere - inside your combat gear, in your hair, and even in between your toes. Every movement you made was accompanied by a cacophony of squelches, curses and groans, both from you and the other Avengers. Steve didn’t disappoint, commenting that “the arsebadger aliens could have been cleaner” while futilely attempting to wipe the slime off his shield, only managing to spread it even more.

Entering the elevator with the others, you leaned against the side rails and waited, transferring some alien remains to the elevator while doing so. Too tired to do anything, but too wired to sleep, you collapsed on the couches in the lounge and the others followed your lead. 

“Fuck.” Steve groaned. Everyone turned to look at him and found he was sprawled like a starfish on the floor. The supersoldier had fallen off the floor. If you had the energy to do so, you’d be laughing your head off.

“I thought you could do this all day, Mr. America?” Bucky smirked. He was the only one still standing, and wasn’t even looking at Steve. He was sharpening his knives in the corner of the room. Fucking supersoldiers with enhanced senses.   

“Leave me alone, dickweasel.” Steve muttered, rolling onto his side while flipping Bucky off.

“Hey Cap,” you called, voice slightly muffled by the couch cushions. “You curse so often that I bet you can’t go 24 hours without cussing.”

“Capsicle can’t go an hour without cursing, let alone a whole day,” Tony said, grinning. “He’d never take the bet.”

Steve huffed. Everyone knew about Steve’s competitive streak. He would never back down from a bet. “It’s on. Starting at 12 tomorrow, I’m not allowed to use any curse words for 24 hours. I’ll be tracked by F.R.I.D.A.Y all day so there aren’t any complaints. If I win, Y/N has to do both of our mission reports for a month.” 

You narrowed your eyes, knowing Steve was well aware of your tendency to procrastinate on or even forgo doing the mission reports entirely. “And when I win, you’ll allow us to get a team cat! And I get to name them.” You were met with groans from your teammates. 

“But you always pick the stupidest names,” Sam said, crossing his arms and glaring at you. “Remember your plants? Who names a succulent ‘Eggboi’?”

Before you could respond to Sam’s slander of your naming abilities, Steve cut in. “Deal.”

_________

It was 11:59 am and the Avengers were gathered in a circle, surrounding you and Steve as you shook hands. 

“I think I’ll name them ‘Le Ole Razzle Dazzle’. It has a certain ring to it, wouldn’t you agree?” You smirked. “Or Razzmatazz for short.” 

Steve frowned. “First of all, that’s a terrible name. Secondly, you’re severely underestimating my self-control -”

“This bullshit’s coming from someone who jumped out of a plane WITHOUT a parachute,” Bucky interrupted. “Self-control, my ass.”

While Natasha was kind enough to cover up her laughter with a cough, no one else gave Steve the same courtesy. With tears in his eyes from the laughter, Sam announced, “The bet starts in three. Two. One.” 

When it became clear that nothing interesting was going to be happening for the time being, everyone left to do their own thing, leaving you and Steve alone. You smiled at Steve as innocently as you could, fluttering your eyelashes to seem less suspicious. He just looked at you weirdly.

“You’re planning something.” It wasn’t even a question. You should have known Steve was too smart to fall for your puppy eyes. The fact you tried using the puppy eyes trick was quite ironic as you were planning on winning a kitten. 

“Mayhaps, my good friend. But you can’t stop me.” You laughed as you ran out of the room, leaving Steve shaking his head at your antics.

Time for Phase Two. 

_________

You held your breath - afraid that one wrong move would alert the enemy to your position. Slowly placing your hand on the metal grate in front of you, you peered through the bars of the vent to make sure the target was still in sight. Although crawling through the vents was a bit more Hawkeye’s style than yours, you needed to be as stealthy as possible.

Your mission was simple - subdue the target by any means necessary. 

Lifting the grate slowly, you managed to lift it enough to pass through. There was a small clang as you moved, and you held your breath to make sure no one was looking or had noticed you before sliding feet first out of the hole. You were free-falling for only a couple of seconds, with your legs together, making sure to point your feet. Your arms were above you, hair floating above you. You couldn’t help but revel in the glimpse of weightlessness which made it seem like you could fly.

You landed, exactly as you intended, on your target’s shoulders, twisting until both yourself and Captain America were on the floor, with you on top. You hoped that wasn’t the last time you were on top of Steve.

“Jesus Christ! What the fu-” Steve stopped and took a deep breath, craning his neck to look at your smug face. “Fudge.” You pouted. “That was dirty, Y/N. I didn’t expect this from you.” You couldn’t believe he was using the patriotic Captain America gaze of disappointment on you.

Grumbling, you picked yourself off the floor and dusted yourself off. You extended your hand out to Steve who, after narrowing his eyes at you, took it. He was honestly right to doubt your intentions. As soon as Steve turned around, you took the liberty to smack his ass. Hard. 

Steve whirled around with a wounded look on his face. “Y/N!” he shouted, hand reaching back to rub his butt. Seeing the innocent smile on your face, he huffed and walked out, completely ignoring the sniggers from the rest of the people in the room.

“Love you too, Cap!” you called out after him. He just flipped you off.

_________

Steve was fed up with the bet. You had been provoking him all day, popping up at the most random times to cause chaos and get him to break. He bet you could give Loki a run for his money for his title as ‘God of Mischief’. 

Sometime while he was training, you had snuck into his apartment and had rigged his bathroom door to dump a bag of flour on his head, so he literally could not take a shit in peace. Fuming, he punched a clean hole through his wall, which Tony was certainly not happy about, and tried to lay down on his bed before realizing that someone had replaced his bed with one that was too short so his legs hung off the sides. Steve had to take a minute to stop himself from giving you a piece of his mind.

That wasn’t all. Even Fury was in on the bet. On Y/N’s side. He had been called into Fury’s office under the guise of getting a new mission but was instead locked in the room with the song “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley blaring on the speakers for an hour. He ended up punching the window and jumping out of the building to escape the torture. It definitely was not one of his finer moments. Y/N was going to pay for what she did.

_________

There was only an hour left of the bet. Steve had survived a feather ambush, a cactus crowd, and a salt shaker stuck to his leg. (It was still stuck. He couldn’t get it off.) All things considered, Steve was feeling pretty smug, certain that he would win. But when he took one look at Y/N’s face, he immediately thought again. 

Trying to escape, he speed-walked into the lounge, trying to escape from Y/N, but not wanting to be rude. Instead of an empty room, every single Avenger was there. Raising one eyebrow, Steve walked past Bucky, who smirked at Steve, and tried to open the door. When it didn’t open, Steve looked back at all of the smiling Avengers. 

“Why am I being locked out?” All Steve wanted to do was wait out the rest of the bet in his room, but sadly, the Avengers were a bunch of nosy bitches who liked to bet on his life.

“Well, I didn’t want you to miss out on the main event,” you drawled, tilting your head slightly with an innocent look on your face as Steve slowly turned around and pouted.

“Just get on with it.”

You beamed, pulling out a tablet. “It will be my pleasure.”

The lights dimmed dramatically, leaving the room in darkness except for the spotlight, which shone directly at the corner of the room, where Bucky just happened to be leaning against the wall. Picking at his nails with a knife, Bucky was unbothered by the stares and the cameras pointed at him, taking his time to start talking.

“This is what I call the incident of a thousand seconds.”

Bucky didn’t even get two sentences in. “Absolutely not.” Steve wanted to curse up a storm. “No way.”

Natasha cut in. “Well, now I’m intrigued. Spill.” 

“I’m just saying. You know exactly how to end this, pal.” Steve just glared. There was no escape. If Bucky put his mind to something, there was no stopping him.

“As you know, Steve respected one Peggy Carter.” Steve groaned loudly, shoving his face into his hands. “One day, Peggy wanted to ask Steve about some battle strategies, but it wasn’t the right time.”

“Do you really have to make puns about my misery?” 

As if Steve hadn’t spoken, Bucky carried on. “Steve had just gotten back from a successful mission and was celebrating with the rest of the Howling Commandos. Peggy came by and asked Steve if he ‘had a sec’. And poor, poor, Steve. Without even thinking, he responded ‘Yes, I have a lot of--’”

“Oh fuck off, Buck.” The room spun around to face Steve, whose face paled. “No.” His eyes widened. “I didn’t say that out loud.” But, looking at Y/N’s grin, he knew he had messed up. “Fucknugget.”

_________

Steve wasn’t one to go back on his word. The next day, he signed the paperwork for Y/N to adopt a pet. He hoped that with Natasha going with you to the animal shelter, she would stop you before going too far, but he very much doubted it. The newest addition to the team was set to arrive any minute, and he could tell that Sam and Bucky were the most excited.

“And a drumroll please,” you shouted, always having a flair for the dramatics. Steve didn’t move an inch. Unbothered, you held up a gray kitten like it was Simba from the Lion King. 

“Introducing… Princess Avocado Elizabegg Eggbert.” 

Steve let out a wail of anguish. “Please. I’m begging you. Please change her name.” 

“No.” Cuddling Princess Eggy closer, you made indecipherable high-pitched sounds at your new baby“Please?”

“You’re such a sore loser.”   

__________

@tessabennet​ Thank you for reading this and encouraging me to finish!! :)

If you want to be added to my taglist, just shoot me a comment or an ask!

Reblogs, comments, and likes are all greatly appreciated.

[notdoingsohot]

SORRY THESE ARE JUST SO GOOOD “don’t act like you know what’s best for me after you came back out of nowhere!” for any pairing!!! <3

Do not apologize! I had so much fun with these. I hope you like this one too!!!! <3 I took some creative liberties, as one does, lol. Thank you so much for sending these!! I changed the prompt up a little, hope that’s okay! <33

The original prompt from this angsty prompt list!

Title: ???

Pairing: Sam x Bucky

Bucky’s phone lights up silently from its place on the kitchen counter. Bucky sees the brightness bloom behind his closed eyelids even with the hall light on. It’s dark enough, the middle of the night most likely. He’d be worried about Sam texting him so late if he didn’t do it every two days for the last however many weeks.

Of course Sam knew Bucky wasn’t sleeping. The man didn’t seem to care much that Bucky was still trying though.

He doesn’t get up and check the notification. He lays there stubbornly and refuses to open his eyes until the sun begins to peak in through the windows.

Then he checks it. Then he ignores it.

He doesn’t want to ignore it, which is exactly why he does. He doesn’t want to be alone, which is exactly why he is. 

And Sam is Sam.

He’s the last person who Bucky should be around right now. 

At first it was because going out to lunch with Sam felt like extra therapy, like a chore, like an interrogation, a job interview for something he was vastly underqualified for.

Now it’s because going out to lunch with Sam doesn’t feel like that at all.

Sam is…

Too much like Steve, but not enough like Steve for Bucky not to feel the way he does, if that makes any goddamn sense.

It doesn’t. Why would it? Nothing in Bucky’s life makes sense.

Bucky checks his list like he does too many times a day to really want to think about, sighs when it remains unchanged from the last time he looked, and starts his day.

Not that he does much with it.

He feels lazy and bored, stir crazy just like his shrink says he will, isolated like he is, just like Sam says too, but Bucky can’t bring himself to cross this next name off his list, and he can’t leave New York until he does. 

Sam texts Bucky twice more that day, which is unusual. Goes beyond the cursory check ins he’s been dealing Bucky for the last few months.

Bucky wonders if Sam might also be lonely, but then he shakes the thoughts away. Sam’s not lonely. He has his family in DC, he still has friends, a job, he visits Steve still.

Bucky doesn’t.

Bucky can’t even think about Steve without feeling like the air is gone from his lungs all of a sudden. Like the big blond punched him right in the chest, and really he might as well have for all Bucky saw it coming.

He’d wonder if Sam felt the same way, but Bucky actually knows that it’s true. It’s the one thing they managed to talk about that touched on feelings and that didn’t make Bucky shut down completely.

Mostly because Sam did the talking.

Bucky hates how good it feels to know he’s not alone in that. Hates how glad he is that Sam suffers with him. It’s why he stays away from Sam now.

Sam is good, the personification of America good, even according to Steve. Sam’s bright too, he smiles and it’s real and it’s contagious and that has nothing to do with Bucky’s feelings and everything to do with Sam being one of those people who light up the room. Sam is a hero. He’d be a hero even without the wings, even without the military. Sam would find a way to be a hero in any world, in any reality. He’d be a doctor or something. Save babies. He’s that kind of good.

He’s good and he cares which is why Bucky needs to stay away from him. He’s smart too. Too goddamn smart for his own good, really. One of these days he’s going to get in too deep trying to help Bucky out of this hole he’s been tossed in and they’re both going to be stuck.

Bucky’s head isn’t a safe place for anyone, fuck, not even his therapist deserves to have to listen to the things in Bucky’s head, and Sam? Sam likes to try his goddamn best to get into Bucky’s head and he just cannot let that happen.

Sam likes to show up unannounced at Bucky’s door, too.

“You weren’t answering my texts,” he says.

“I never answer your texts,” Bucky replies, not moving to let Sam inside, but the other man shoulders past him anyway. Bucky rolls his eyes and lets the door shut behind them.

Sam smirks, “But you read them,” he says.

Bucky shrugs, “Yeah, I guess. Make sure you’re not dying somewhere,” he says, going to the kitchen.

Sam’s eyes don’t linger on the neat pile of blankets in the corner of the room.

“You think I’d text you if I was dying?” Sam asks, and Bucky can tell he’s joking. Sam is a jovial person. He’s… playful. Bucky likes that about Sam, most of the time.

Bucky is not a playful person.

“No”.

“I’m not really looking for a sidekick,” Sam says.

Bucky rolls his eyes where Sam can’t see him, “Sure,” he says, getting a beer from the fridge and sliding it across the counter to him.

He tries not to think about why he keeps it on hand when he can’t get drunk. Hopes to god Sam doesn’t think too hard about it.

Sam has the audacity to look surprised, and then confused, and then says nothing but a nod of thanks. Bucky can’t tell if it’s a good thing or not, that Sam doesn’t know how much Bucky fucking thinks about him, all the damn time.

“Why are you here?” Bucky asks curtly.

Sam makes that smile that always comes with bad news, “Steve wants to see you,” he says.

Bucky can’t suppress the groan and eye roll then.

“Is this supposed to be an intervention then?” he spits out.

Sam shakes his head though, looking earnest but not surprised by Bucky’s tone, “No, I’m just the messenger. Steve can’t… can’t make the drive,” he says, and he’s frowning, looking sad and that makes something in Bucky’s chest tighten painfully.

Steve can’t make the four hour drive to New York from DC and Bucky feels gutted at the thought of Steve now all over again.

He wants to say something about it, about Steve, and it’s nothing good, but Sam already looks broken by it, so he just fucking nods and goes to pack his shit.

“Well that was easy,” Sam says with a little huff of laughter that doesn’t sound anything like Sam.

He wants to say it was Sam’s broken hearted expression, or that he’s only going so he can reel Steve out for making Sam look like that, but he says nothing instead.

They rock-paper-scissors on who drives, and when Sam wins with paper, he doesn’t have to cover Bucky’s hand with his own, but he does, and it really shows Bucky just how bad this school-boy crush has gotten that his heart flutters in his chest at the contact. 

“How is he?” Bucky asks when they’re an hour out from Steve’s place.

Sam looks at him out of the corner of his eye, “Worried about you,” he answers.

“That’s not what I meant,” Bucky retorts.

Sam’s face loses some of its brightness, “I know,” he says softly.

Bucky closes his eyes to the rush of anger he feels. On Sam’s behalf… but also on his own.

He doesn’t mean to fight with Steve no matter what he’s feeling, no matter whose behalf. He doesn’t really hold this against Steve, it just… hurts. It’s the weirdest kind of grief, so opposite to the grief he feels for the loved ones whose lives and deaths he missed. He’s grieving Steve even as he’s looking at him, even as he’s hugging him, gentle, so gentle because he’s frail now, again, and it’s all these parallels and it’s nothing he can be prepared for so he should just stop trying.

Sam honest to god, waits in the car, rather than face this.

Bucky’s glad for it, even if it means he has to deal with Steve alone.

“You can’t be alone forever, Buck,” Steve says and he doesn’t even sound like Steve, except that he does.

Bucky rolls his eyes at Steve, “What do you expect me to do, Steve?” he asks.

“You shouldn’t be ignoring Sam, you two need each other,” Steve replies.

It’s probably the mention of Sam, but Bucky finds himself snapping at Steve then, “Don’t act like you know what’s best for me after you just left out of nowhere”. He feels something like indignation rise and fall, then taking a deep breath, “Sorry, I just…” he apologizes softer, “I don’t want to hear it, Steve,” he says.

It was just... how dare Steve try and tell Bucky who, or what he needs in his life after he left like he did? Left both Bucky and Sam in the wake of the end of the world to just figure it out alone. Bucky might be isolating himself from people, but fuck if Steve didn’t do it first.

He abruptly realises how childish that line of thought is and lets the anger dissipate, for the time being.

Steve is quiet for too long. Long enough Bucky gets suspicious because Steve so rarely thinks before he acts, before he speaks. Not when he knows he’s right, like he is now.

“If not because it’s what you need, then because it’s what he needs, Buck,” Steve says, “Please”.

Bucky shakes his head, feeling a lump form in his throat, “I’m not…” he tried, “I’m the last person he needs hanging around,” he says.

“Seems like he might want you though,” Steve says easily, and Bucky looks up sharply, too sharply.

Steve inclines his head in silent question, then smirks.

“No,” Bucky says, “No, get that out of your head right now, Rogers,” Bucky says seriously, “I don’t-- it’s not like that,” he denies, too loud, too fast.

Steve has that knowing look in his eye still when he agrees to drop it. When he tells Bucky to scram. When he sees Sam waiting outside for Bucky and they exchange a friendly wave.

Bucky doesn’t even feel bad when he hopes Steve’s degrading mind forgets that entire interaction. Well, he feels only a little bad.

“How’d it go?” Sam asks.

Bucky shrugs, “He said you missed me,” he replies, goading.

Sam looks at him for a moment before he starts the car, “You know,” he says, “I couldn’t actually tell if you were lying that time”.

Bucky’s heart does that stupid flutter again. 

“Can you usually?”

“Every time, Barnes,” Sam answers, smirking.

Bucky glances at Sam out of the corner of his eye. “Good to know,” he says. He’ll need to get better at it if he’s going to be hanging around now.

[orange-plum]

Have your religious views changed at all in the time since you started SaM?

This is actually a very complicated question lol I’d say yes and no TBH

Overall, I guess I’d say Yes! But when I say yes, I mean more my feelings towards religious institutions as a whole, not my belief in God or anything. When I started SaM almost 10 years ago (omg!) I was only 23 or 24, so I was a p different person back then. Since then I've discovered a lot about myself and see the institution of church differently.

I personally don't have an interest in joining a church atm because I think a lot of religious people won't accept or agree with me and my views as an Lgbtq+ member, as well as, in my experience growing up in a church and big religious community, a lot of church goers tend to lean right on their social views while I lean left. OBV this isn’t the case with everyone, as me and my two siblings have a good relationship with God, while at the same time all being a part of the LGBTQ+ community and having a lot of left leaning ideologies. I was actually somewhat a part of a church before I moved to AZ 2.5 years ago that seemed very welcoming and taught the bible in a way I’d never heard of before (exp: I grew up struggling being a woman and religious because I was taught almost that women were subservient via the bible, but the new church I was at broke down the Hebrew words, put cultural and historical context for background with what was going on at the time/in the region the verses were written, and put it in a pro-woman light and now I have no issue with that anymore).

TBH I do miss that church because they were so open, but I can still watch their sermons online if I want to because they post them on their website. But I digress. My point was that, as a person who grew up in an old fashioned church, I was surrounded by people who claimed to be accepting, but weren’t so much that way at the end of the day. And I’ve found myself a bit jaded with religious people and the church (any religious institution ngl). 

I consider myself a progressive Christian rn, and I just want to love and support people in their walks of life. The God I believe in is the message to love and not judge, which I find a lot of Christians say they do, until you put them in an uncomfortable situation (I’m only going to speak about my experience with Christians because that’s the only point of reference I have, I can’t speak on other religious communities). So, I take “Christians” on a case by case basis. If I found out you’re Christian but you judge people for things they can’t control, or you want to remove people’s basic human rights cuz they make you uncomfortable, I think you’re fake af and move on. So, I suppose my religious views have changed. I’m a bit more jaded at people claiming to follow God, then turn around and be the most unwelcoming/judgmental people with those who don’t conform to their label of “normal”.

My relationship with God hasn’t changed, though. I just distanced myself from churches and I’m more skeptical when I hear someone tell me they’re Christian, I guess?

But the nice thing about my comics is that no one has to be religious or atheist/agnostic to read them. It’s more biblical lore with a dash of creative liberties lol My parents, who are deeply religious, support SaM and even try to help give me ideas to make the comic better and such. I’ve always found it odd some people can’t separate a fictional work based on elements of religion from actual religion. My family has always been the black sheep of the church tho NGL. Where they watch/read things that are religion based but not take it personally (Good Omens, Constantine,etc), the other members of the church we attended didn’t like that so much. My dad always tells me a story when Harry Potter came out, a woman at our church gave a speech while crying, telling everyone not to let their kids indulge in a book about witchcraft (ironic because her 3 kids became huge Harry Potter fans later lol). And my dad said, “I remember sitting there thinking what the hell? The message in the book is good tho? Good vs Evil and stuff. Who cares? Sounds fine to me.”

Anyway, I’m rambling. Overall, it’s a yes/no answer. My opinion on “Christians” and the church has changed, not for the better, but my actual belief in God/Jesus hasn’t, if that makes sense?

[superhusbands-superfan]

Stony/Below Deck AU

This is such a bizarrely specific head cannon so I don’t really know who it’s going to appeal to, but hear me out. Does anyone on here know/watch the show Below Deck? Basically, it’s a reality show about the crew of a yacht that gets chartered out by rich people. So anyway, I just had the idea of a Stony/Below Deck mashup where our favorite cast of characters is working on a yacht (we’ll just pretend Tony isn’t rich and got disowned by Howard or something) and that’s how they meet. 

(this got long, so the full head cannon is below the cut to spare others from my musings lol)

Tbh I think everyone’s positions could be kind of flexible, but I feel like this is probably what I’d go with if I were writing it:

Carol Danvers is the 161 ft. yacht’s Captain (duh). I’m going to refer to the yacht as “The Avenger” in my head unless someone contributes a better name because I find the idea of anyone saying “Hey, it’s the Avenger’s crew” incredibly amusing in this context. From there, her crew is as follows 

Deck crew: 

First mate (this isn’t a show position, but it’s real!): Steve

Lead deckhand: Sam

Deckhand: Clint

Deckhand: Bucky (he’s still kinda green, and Steve dragged him into this)

Interior Crew: 

Chief stewardess: Pepper

2nd stew: Natasha (she’s worked with Pepper before and the two are frighteningly close friends and also scarily efficient together)

3rd stew: Wanda

Galley:

Chef: Bruce (we’re drawing from circa 2012 fanfic where Bruce was a great team chef. Sometimes he gets a little heated about guests not being clear on their preference sheets, but for the most part he’s chill and inventive with the food).

Engineer crew (lmao no, these guys aren’t really on the show often either, but this is the only place I can make Tony fit):

Lead engineer: Rhodey

2nd engineer: Tony (if you’re wondering why he’s not in charge, I had him in charge at first and then I remembered how terrible he is as a manager. He cares about the mechanics, not the politics. And Rhodey is definitely better at the interpersonal workplace interactions, so this works for them)

(Keep in mind, this is just the crew of the Avenger. We’ve also got other yachts. I’m envisioning... The Valkyrie, led by Captain Valkyrie (and yes, she has everyone call her that) and Thor, her first mate. Her lead deckhand is probably Sif. Also there’s a yacht crew with our friends from Wakanda, of course. Captain T’Challa and first mate Okoye are basically running a state-of-the-art yacht everyone else is trying (and failing lol) to beat. Shuri is the lead engineer and Nakia is lead deckhand. Idk how all the crews fit together, but maybe there’s a big yachting conference or something.)

Anyway, now that that’s established, we can get to the reason this popped into my head: Stony. So Steve and Tony meet (beyond just the initial introductions) because there’s some catastrophic engineering failure that Tony and Rhodey are desperately trying to fix, but they need extra hands (and, you know, they’re trying to do all the fixing *without* alerting the oblivious rich charter guests) so Steve jumps in. 

Steve and Tony bicker a bit, but then when the crisis is averted they both start laughing cause, you know, they dodged a huge bullet. Now that the pressure’s off, everything between them is great again. Steve compliments Tony’s work and quick thinking and Tony’s basically immediately smitten. This kicks off Tony spending two or three charters obnoxiously, obviously flirting with Steve. 

Steve tries to keep a somewhat professional distance between the two of them at first, but he’s also secretly into Tony, of course. (Bucky is very aware of this secret crush, which leads to a lot of teasing that Sam & Clint eventually join in on). Meanwhile, Pepper, Natasha, and Rhodey have to deal with being constantly harassed by Tony and his massive crush. 

In the midst of all this, there are some truly *horrible* charter guests (think demanding, ungrateful, perpetually disappointed - even in the face of Pepper’s excellent service) who demand some type of “behind the scenes” tour that includes all the stuff down in Tony and Rhodey’s domain that the guests *never* see. Steve goes down to beg Tony to play nice with these guests who are making the rest of the crew’s lives a living hell (and of course Rhodey’s not around conveniently. Who knows if he’s sleeping or off the boat looking for an important part or something, he’s just definitely Not There). So Tony sees an opportunity to negotiate and he promises to play nice with the guests (“even whichever dumbass is convinced he’s god’s gift to engineering, Steve.”) if Steve will go on one (1) date with him during their next night off at the docks. Begrudgingly (or so he claims) and because “Bucky, I spare the rest of the crew the wrath of the guests,” Steve agrees. 

Naturally, the two hit it off, and they’re together (adorably) for the remainder of the charter season. And after, Steve brings Tony home to Brooklyn to meet his mom because he knows Tony doesn’t really have a relationship with his parents anymore. Sarah Rogers immediately adopts Tony as her son-in-law, and then her boys live happily ever after.

(This is much longer than I expected, but I’m not sorry. If someone wants to write this for real, please, by all means, go for it. Just be sure to tag me (and maybe DM me cause sometimes I’m bad about missing when I’m tagged) because I do NOT want to miss it if this ever becomes a fic. Also, feel free to take as many creative liberties with the idea as you like; I won’t be offended, but I will be entertained.)

[flauntpage]

Your Friday Morning Roundup

Put aside the protests and the Zeke Elliott situation, actual NFL football returned last night. And it was fun to watch if you hate the Patriots.

The Andy Reid-led Chiefs took care of the defending Super Bowl champs, 42-27. That’s the most amount of points the Pats have given up under Bill Belichick. And Reid did a really good with time management? Weird world.

Anyway, Alex Smith, who could be entering his last year as the team’s starter with Patrick Mahomes behind him, went 28-for-35 with 368 yards passing and four touchdowns. Rookie running back Kareem Hunt had himself a night after fumbling his first carry in the NFL. He ran for 148 yards on 17 carries with a touchdown, and also caught five passes for 98 yards and two scores. He set an NFL record for yards from scrimmage in the first game of his career with 239. The Eagles play the Chiefs in KC next Sunday.

Tyreek Hill made seven catches for 133 yards and a touchdown, but left the game in the fourth quarter with cramps.

Star safety Eric Berry was carted off the field after suffering an Achilles injury. Looks like it could be a tear.

#Chiefs coach Andy Reid said star S Eric Berry has a potential Achilles tear. They'll know more tomorrow… but horrible news after a big W.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 8, 2017

Tom Brady went 16-for-36 with 267 yards passing, and Mike Gillislee scored all three of New England’s touchdowns on 45 yards rushing.

Andy Reid put up 42 points and 536 yards on the Super Bowl champion Patriots. My god. Next week should be fun.

The Roundup:

Eagles’ owner Jeffrey Lurie held an impromptu press conference where he discussed clickbait, Kelly Green jerseys (better happen), and having dinner with Andy Reid.

The Eagles also unveiled their new hype video for the season. Thumbtack. Thumbtack. Thumbtack. Kyle ranked all the yearly hype videos. If you give a crap, here’s mine:

5. 2016 (solely because it included St. Joe’s Prep, my high school’s (La Salle) archrival

4. 2014

3. 2015

2. 2017

1. 2013

Tim McManus went on a car ride with Carson Wentz and asked him a few questions.

Zach Ertz is going to break out this year, finally, and more valuable fantasy advice from fantasy guru Jim.

Alshon Jeffery’s cleats are fire.

These are the personalized "AJ XIII Cleats" Alshon Jeffery will be wearing this weekend #Eagles http://pic.twitter.com/mkqweL0uWy

— Eliot Shorr-Parks (@EliotShorrParks) September 7, 2017

He also won’t chirp at Josh Norman on Sunday.

Finally, check out Sean’s first Eagles Mailbag post.

—

Some not-so-good news regarding Joel Embiid from Howard Eskin on 94 WIP yesterday:

“He’s not ready for five-on-five play, according to the Sixers. But what I understand is, his agent wants a new contract before he — remember he’s eligible to get a new deal. Now, if you’re the Sixers you can’t give him a max deal until you see that he can play, how many games he can play during the season.

“But my understanding, part of the reason that they’re saying — whoever it is that is saying that he’s not ready for five-on-five play, is because — and Joel Embiid, I don’t think worries about the money, but they listen to their agents. And the agent wants a new contract.”

Brett Brown on WIP – article from Liberty Ballers – said Eskin’s report is BS.

Training Camp will take place from September 26 until September 29 in Camden. One practice per day.

Amir Johnson said some more promising things about Ben Simmons after a community event at the Strawberry Mansion PAL Center:

Was going back over Amir's comments from today.

There was also this: "I truly believe that Ben is going to be the future of this league."

— Brian Seltzer (@brianseltzer) September 7, 2017

Did we see a glimpse of a new red jersey yesterday? Our good friend Conrad Burry made some predictions:

Took a stab at some predictions…I actually don't mind the wacky art deco font. Maybe it'd be alright if they re-drew it cleaner. http://pic.twitter.com/KASlHlRLMS

— Conrad Burry (@conradburry) September 7, 2017

To add to the intrigue, CEO Scott O’Neil gave some input about the funky 70s wordmark in a Tweet two years ago:

I actually like those u? https://t.co/S9Nh0UY6TR

— Scott O'Neil (@ScottONeil) April 17, 2015

EuroBasket updates:

FINAL: 107 – 69

Saric – 22MIN / 18PTS / 10REB / 3AST

— Philadelphia 76ers (@sixers) September 7, 2017

Furkan Korkmaz (Turkey) got a rebound in eight minutes of play in Turkey’s loss to Latvia.

—

The Phillies played a game last night as well. They lost to the Nationals 4-3.

Odubel Herrera extended his hit-streak to 20 games, and Jorge Alfaro hit his second big league homer. Aaron Nola gave up three runs on seven hits in 5.1 innings.

Phillies and Nationals do battle again tonight at 7:05. Jake Thompson takes the mound for the Phils against Max Scherzer. God bless.

Scott Kingery and Tom Eshelman were the recipients of this year’s Paul Owens Awards, given to the team’s top minor league player and pitcher.

Meanwhile, former pitcher Brett Myers has a new music video. Not gonna lie, he’s kind of good. Him and Kyle had a weird Twitter exchange:

Thanks… wasn’t bashing you (really). Just not my scene. The song itself isn’t bad

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

Maybe u should come down and hang and see how we have a good time then u might change ur mind

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

Can we talk about the girl in the Yankees shirt though?

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

I didn't like that either but I don't tell them what to wear…she was actually there to keep an eye on my youngins while we shot the video

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

Fair enough.

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

By the way it's at 2300 views and climbing..I just released it at 11pm last night but thanks to u it's gonna keep going up! Seriously thanks

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

By the way just to correct u on the Military issued Belgium Malinois…the dog is actually a German Shepherd…he wants to meet u http://pic.twitter.com/FlYi8vnPF9

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

He should take that as compliment!

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

No he doesn't he's not Belgium he's German! lol Shepherds are larger than the malinois

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

—

The Flyers officially announced their training camp would open up next Friday in Voorhees. A complete roster is attached.

—

Villanova head coach Jay Wright unveiled Nova’s tribute patch to Rollie Massimino.

In honor of those who came before us… http://pic.twitter.com/xskiNw3AdC

— Jay Wright (@VUCoachJWright) September 7, 2017

—

In other sports news, the Cleveland Cavaliers officially introduced Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, and Ante Zizic after acquiring them from Boston. Sam Hinkie also broke his short Twitter silence, retweeting “Isaiah’s” Players Tribune piece:

Real talk. So good. https://t.co/FvWBekIsdL

— Sam Hinkie (@samhinkie) September 6, 2017

Roger Goodell says he’s not a “football expert” on a show nobody watches. I’m not kidding on that second part either:

Source (who or may not be based in Bristol, Conn): The debut of FS1's "First Things First" had a 0.0 rating in 46 out of 56 metered markets.

— John Ourand (@Ourand_SBJ) September 6, 2017

Oregon’s football uniforms for Saturday that were designed by young cancer survivors is fantastic.

"I really think that this is the most important uniform Oregon has ever worn." – Todd Van Horne, Nike Creative Director #StompOutCancer http://pic.twitter.com/8jXgHBObgG

— Oregon Football (@oregonfootball) August 24, 2017

The Browns continue to Brown:

UPDATE: Myles Garrett has been diagnosed with a high ankle sprain. His status will be updated in a couple weeks. http://pic.twitter.com/YvBM4HXnPc

— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) September 7, 2017

Officially, #Browns coach Hue Jackson says S Calvin Pryor is being released for "an "internal matter." Crazy, days before the opener.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 7, 2017

Free agent kicker Josh Brown has been suspended six more games for domestic violence. He was suspended for one game last year.

Lenny Dykstra is trying to get with Lena Dunham, apparently.

Ohio State will wear LeBron Soldier cleats for their game against Oklahoma Saturday night.

An African World Cup qualifier is getting replayed after a referee from the match was issued a lifetime ban by FIFA.

Tweet of the year:

Should've named it Hurricane Roberto Aguayo. Would've missed Florida wide right and sailed right into the Atlantic

— LiTiRilla (@LiTiRilla) September 5, 2017

—

In the news, the lawsuit that wanted parking on the Broad Street median has been thrown out and can’t be refiled. Great move by the judge.

Meek Mill explains how much Allen Iverson meant to the city of Philadelphia.

Equifax says about 143 million customers may have been affected by a cyberattack.

Kyle: FUCK EQUIFAX. Seriously. Fuck them. You lose the social security information for HALF of America? Worse, three of their executives sold their stock the days before this came out. How is that legal? The whole credit industry is such a farce. I spent a full year before we bought our new house playing their game, trying to get my credit one level up to save on my mortgage. Opening new lines of credit – I didn’t need – and strategically making purchases and paying them right away all because an algorithm liked it. Worse, there are multiple algorithms depending on the type of credit you’re seeking, so the number you get in your report isn’t what most creditors see unless you pay more for the industry-specific scores – which I did – adding to the mysterious nature of it all. Who would’ve thought that a few agencies having the most important data for all functioning adults in the country could be dangerous? Now some hacker has all of my info – and yours, too! – and Equifax just shrugs about it. Meanwhile, God help you if you missed a student loan payment in 2014 and want a good mortgage rate. Seriously, fuck them. Fuck that whole industry.

Amazon is looking for a location for their second North American headquarters. Mayor Jim Kenney, with puns, has one suggestion:

We think Philadelphia would be a PRIME location for Amazon that would make people SMILE! Look forward to submitting a proposal! https://t.co/l60Wn5BVdg

— Jim Kenney (@PhillyMayor) September 7, 2017

Your Friday Morning Roundup published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv

[flauntpage]

Your Friday Morning Roundup

Put aside the protests and the Zeke Elliott situation, actual NFL football returned last night. And it was fun to watch if you hate the Patriots.

The Andy Reid-led Chiefs took care of the defending Super Bowl champs, 42-27. That’s the most amount of points the Pats have given up under Bill Belichick. And Reid did a really good with time management? Weird world.

Anyway, Alex Smith, who could be entering his last year as the team’s starter with Patrick Mahomes behind him, went 28-for-35 with 368 yards passing and four touchdowns. Rookie running back Kareem Hunt had himself a night after fumbling his first carry in the NFL. He ran for 148 yards on 17 carries with a touchdown, and also caught five passes for 98 yards and two scores. He set an NFL record for yards from scrimmage in the first game of his career with 239. The Eagles play the Chiefs in KC next Sunday.

Tyreek Hill made seven catches for 133 yards and a touchdown, but left the game in the fourth quarter with cramps.

Star safety Eric Berry was carted off the field after suffering an Achilles injury.

Tom Brady went 16-for-36 with 267 yards passing, and Mike Gillislee scored all three of New England’s touchdowns on 45 yards rushing.

Andy Reid put up 42 points and 536 yards on the Super Bowl champion Patriots. My god. Next week should be fun.

The Roundup:

Eagles’ owner Jeffrey Lurie held an impromptu press conference where he discussed clickbait, Kelly Green jerseys (better happen), and having dinner with Andy Reid.

The Eagles also unveiled their new hype video for the season. Thumbtack. Thumbtack. Thumbtack. Kyle ranked all the yearly hype videos. If you give a crap, here’s mine:

5. 2016 (solely because it included St. Joe’s Prep, my high school’s (La Salle) archrival

4. 2014

3. 2015

2. 2017

1. 2013

Tim McManus went on a car ride with Carson Wentz and asked him a few questions.

Zach Ertz is going to break out this year, finally, and more valuable fantasy advice from fantasy guru Jim.

Alshon Jeffery’s cleats are fire.

These are the personalized "AJ XIII Cleats" Alshon Jeffery will be wearing this weekend #Eagles http://pic.twitter.com/mkqweL0uWy

— Eliot Shorr-Parks (@EliotShorrParks) September 7, 2017

He also won’t chirp at Josh Norman on Sunday.

Finally, check out Sean’s first Eagles Mailbag post.

—

Some not-so-good news regarding Joel Embiid from Howard Eskin on 94 WIP yesterday:

“He’s not ready for five-on-five play, according to the Sixers. But what I understand is, his agent wants a new contract before he — remember he’s eligible to get a new deal. Now, if you’re the Sixers you can’t give him a max deal until you see that he can play, how many games he can play during the season.

“But my understanding, part of the reason that they’re saying — whoever it is that is saying that he’s not ready for five-on-five play, is because — and Joel Embiid, I don’t think worries about the money, but they listen to their agents. And the agent wants a new contract.”

Brett Brown on WIP – article from Liberty Ballers – said Eskin’s report is BS.

Training Camp will take place from September 26 until September 29 in Camden. One practice per day.

Amir Johnson said some more promising things about Ben Simmons after a community event at the Strawberry Mansion PAL Center:

Was going back over Amir's comments from today.

There was also this: "I truly believe that Ben is going to be the future of this league."

— Brian Seltzer (@brianseltzer) September 7, 2017

Did we see a glimpse of a new red jersey yesterday? Our good friend Conrad Burry made some predictions:

Took a stab at some predictions…I actually don't mind the wacky art deco font. Maybe it'd be alright if they re-drew it cleaner. http://pic.twitter.com/KASlHlRLMS

— Conrad Burry (@conradburry) September 7, 2017

To add to the intrigue, CEO Scott O’Neil gave some input about the funky 70s wordmark in a Tweet two years ago:

I actually like those u? https://t.co/S9Nh0UY6TR

— Scott O'Neil (@ScottONeil) April 17, 2015

EuroBasket updates:

FINAL: 107 – 69

Saric – 22MIN / 18PTS / 10REB / 3AST

— Philadelphia 76ers (@sixers) September 7, 2017

Furkan Korkmaz (Turkey) got a rebound in eight minutes of play in Turkey’s loss to Latvia.

—

The Phillies played a game last night as well. They lost to the Nationals 4-3.

Odubel Herrera extended his hit-streak to 20 games, and Jorge Alfaro hit his second big league homer. Aaron Nola gave up three runs on seven hits in 5.1 innings.

Phillies and Nationals do battle again tonight at 7:05. Jake Thompson takes the mound for the Phils against Max Scherzer. God bless.

Scott Kingery and Tom Eshelman were the recipients of this year’s Paul Owens Awards, given to the team’s top minor league player and pitcher.

Meanwhile, former pitcher Brett Myers has a new music video. Not gonna lie, he’s kind of good. Him and Kyle had a weird Twitter exchange:

Thanks… wasn’t bashing you (really). Just not my scene. The song itself isn’t bad

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

Maybe u should come down and hang and see how we have a good time then u might change ur mind

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

Can we talk about the girl in the Yankees shirt though?

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

I didn't like that either but I don't tell them what to wear…she was actually there to keep an eye on my youngins while we shot the video

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

Fair enough.

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

By the way it's at 2300 views and climbing..I just released it at 11pm last night but thanks to u it's gonna keep going up! Seriously thanks

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

By the way just to correct u on the Military issued Belgium Malinois…the dog is actually a German Shepherd…he wants to meet u http://pic.twitter.com/FlYi8vnPF9

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

He should take that as compliment!

— Kyle Scott (@CrossingBroad) September 7, 2017

No he doesn't he's not Belgium he's German! lol Shepherds are larger than the malinois

— Brett Myers Music (@BackWoodRebel39) September 7, 2017

—

The Flyers officially announced their training camp would open up next Friday in Voorhees. A complete roster is attached.

—

Villanova head coach Jay Wright unveiled Nova’s tribute patch to Rollie Massimino.

In honor of those who came before us… http://pic.twitter.com/xskiNw3AdC

— Jay Wright (@VUCoachJWright) September 7, 2017

—

In other sports news, the Cleveland Cavaliers officially introduced Isaiah Thomas, Jae Crowder, and Ante Zizic after acquiring them from Boston. Sam Hinkie also broke his short Twitter silence, retweeting “Isaiah’s” Players Tribune piece:

Real talk. So good. https://t.co/FvWBekIsdL

— Sam Hinkie (@samhinkie) September 6, 2017

Roger Goodell says he’s not a “football expert” on a show nobody watches. I’m not kidding on that second part either:

Source (who or may not be based in Bristol, Conn): The debut of FS1's "First Things First" had a 0.0 rating in 46 out of 56 metered markets.

— John Ourand (@Ourand_SBJ) September 6, 2017

Oregon’s football uniforms for Saturday that were designed by young cancer survivors is fantastic.

"I really think that this is the most important uniform Oregon has ever worn." – Todd Van Horne, Nike Creative Director #StompOutCancer http://pic.twitter.com/8jXgHBObgG

— Oregon Football (@oregonfootball) August 24, 2017

The Browns continue to Brown:

UPDATE: Myles Garrett has been diagnosed with a high ankle sprain. His status will be updated in a couple weeks. http://pic.twitter.com/YvBM4HXnPc

— Cleveland Browns (@Browns) September 7, 2017

Officially, #Browns coach Hue Jackson says S Calvin Pryor is being released for "an "internal matter." Crazy, days before the opener.

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) September 7, 2017

Lenny Dykstra is trying to get with Lena Dunham, apparently.

Ohio State will wear LeBron Soldier cleats for their game against Oklahoma Saturday night.

An African World Cup qualifier is getting replayed after a referee from the match was issued a lifetime ban by FIFA.

Tweet of the year:

Should've named it Hurricane Roberto Aguayo. Would've missed Florida wide right and sailed right into the Atlantic

— LiTiRilla (@LiTiRilla) September 5, 2017

—

In the news, the lawsuit that wanted parking on the Broad Street median has been thrown out and can’t be refiled. Great move by the judge.

Meek Mill explains how much Allen Iverson meant to the city of Philadelphia.

Equifax says about 143 million customers may have been affected by a cyberattack.

Kyle: FUCK EQUIFAX. Seriously. Fuck them. You lose the social security information for HALF of America? Worse, three of their executives sold their stock the days before this came out. How is that legal? The whole credit industry is such a farce. I spent a full year before we bought our new house playing their game, trying to get my credit one level up to save on my mortgage. Opening new lines of credit – I didn’t need – and strategically making purchases and paying them right away all because an algorithm liked it. Worse, there are multiple algorithms depending on the type of credit you’re seeking, so the number you get in your report isn’t what most creditors see unless you pay more for the industry-specific scores – which I did – adding to the mysterious nature of it all. Who would’ve thought that a few agencies having the most important data for all functioning adults in the country could be dangerous? Now some hacker has all of my info – and yours, too! – and Equifax just shrugs about it. Meanwhile, God help you if you missed a student loan payment in 2014 and want a good mortgage rate. Seriously, fuck them. Fuck that whole industry.

Amazon is looking for a location for their second North American headquarters. Mayor Jim Kenney, with puns, has one suggestion:

We think Philadelphia would be a PRIME location for Amazon that would make people SMILE! Look forward to submitting a proposal! https://t.co/l60Wn5BVdg

— Jim Kenney (@PhillyMayor) September 7, 2017

Your Friday Morning Roundup published first on http://ift.tt/2pLTmlv