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the-lone-witch-and-secret-room · 3 years ago

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Camila Noceda and Flawed Parenting

A perspective by a flawed person with loving but extremely flawed parents

I’m genuinely baffled at some people’s hostile reaction towards Camila. Like… do any of you have flawless parents that always know the best solution instantly, make no mistakes and never get emotional?

My parents are great. They’re super supportive and I love them very, very much. Overall I think I got very lucky in the parents department.

But god, they are far from flawless. I still live at home, and despite all the good, there’s moments when I can’t take my dad anymore. He’s the kind of dad that stayed up until two am to help me with homework when I was in school, and he does so, so many things to make sure I’m happy. I know that. But despite all of this, I have told my mom in emotional moments before that I’m not sure if I can keep living with him, because for all his good sides, he has a couple of fatal flaws that sometimes make him unbearable.

My mom listens to me and is very open to being educated on certain topics, but she has her flaws, too. She hates when I fight with my dad, and gets so torn up about it that I’ve once apologized to my dad out of fear of her getting into a car crash otherwise. She’s very vocal about certain flaws of mine, and sometimes uses the things she does for me as leverage against me when she gets very emotional.

And both of my parents pay a lot more attention to my brother because he needs it more, because he’s more of a “problem child” while I “seem so capable” even when I’m not.

And guess what? I’m not a perfect child. I make mistakes sometimes, some of them pretty severe. Just like Luz, I’m the kind of person that struggles to communicate certain issues of mine to her parents. I’m stubborn, and when I get emotional, I say very hurtful things sometimes. So do they.

And this has nothing to do with my parents being horrible or abusive. They’re neither of those things.

The takeaway from this should not be that my entire family is made up of terrible people, but that we’re all flawed in our own ways, despite loving each other and trying our best. There’s things about my parents I wish I could change, and there are things about me that my parents wish they could change. And to an extent, that’s perfectly normal.

In our strengths and flaws and frustration with each other, we’re all human.

Specific, spoiler-y Camila and Luz things under the cut since this got very long.

We have no indication that Camila has a pattern of emotionally manipulating Luz. Her “emotional manipulation” as I’ve seen some people put it, is people for some reason thinking that the second you become an adult, you’re suddenly perfect and can no longer make mistakes, lest you’ll be dubbed horrible and abusive.

The whole concept is absurd to me. There is no perfect way to parent. There simply isn’t. Of course, there’s some genuinely abusive patterns that are horrible and inexcusable. But out of the parenting styles that aren’t, which one works depends on a number of factors, one of which absolutely includes that every child is different and has different needs. Camila is an amazing parent for Vee, giving the kid everything she’s ever longed for. She’s not an ideal parent for Luz. And that’s because Luz and Vee have fundamentally different needs.

Likewise, Luz is a pretty great child for Eda, but not a perfect fit for Camila. Luz relates to Eda a lot more than she relates to her mom, and that’s why the two of them have an easier time understanding each other. Both of these mother-child relationships exist, and one is not more doomed to fail than the other, but I think you’ll agree that the better you understand someone and where they’re coming from, the easier it is to communicate, pick up on certain signs, etc.

As mom and daughter, Camila and Luz are both flawed and have issues seeing the other’s perspective because of how different they are. And we should simultaneously acknowledge both of their roles in the issue and give both of them the space to learn and grow past those issues.

Luz struggles to communicate her problems. She doesn’t want to burden people in the demon realm, and it’s a given that this started out as not wanting to burden her mom. So she keeps quiet about her issues. Camila tries hard but can’t read her daughter’s mind, so there’s only so much she can do to understand and help the way Luz needs her to. Hell, Eda, who Luz is a lot more open with than her mom, struggles to help her, because Luz doesn’t tell her what’s wrong. I don’t see anyone calling Eda a terrible mom for that.

Camila tries her best, but she struggles to understand her daughter because of this, and because of how fundamentally different they are. She loves Luz’s creativity, we actively see her supporting it in the new episode—she keeps the weird stuff Luz made because she thinks Luz will regret throwing it away, and even plays along in what she assumes to be some elaborate role play because “she’s glad Luz kept her creativity even though it’s not made things easy for her at school”. But at the beginning of the show, said creativity got out of hand and people got hurt. Luz could’ve gotten hurt. So of course Camila had to interfere. I love Luz dearly, but she thought it was okay to bring snakes to school and set off fireworks inside a school building. Creativity is great. Doing reckless stuff that causes people to get hurt is not.

In sending Luz to camp, Camila tried to have someone else fix her issue because she didn’t know how to help Luz. That was a mistake, and a bad one at that, but she’s realizing that. She looks disheartened when Vee tries to throw out Luz’s stuff, because she never meant to change her daughter or take that part of her away. She just thought Luz needed a reality check—which, for the record, is something the narrative actually agrees with.

Luz spends her time in the demon realm getting reality check after reality check, realizing that even her ideal fantasy world where she has everything she always wanted doesn’t mean she’s free of consequences. She goes overboard constantly, causing:

-Eda to be forced to fly into a trap because Luz is chasing a fantasy (Witches before Wizards)

-Eda to almost be branded by her sister because Luz doesn’t think through why Eda doesn’t use magic to publicly announce her presence constantly (Once Upon a Swap)

-Eda and the twins to get kidnapped by a Slitherbeast because Luz stole Amity’s wand (Adventures in the Elements)

-Her friends to get hurt when she goes overboard trying to help Willow (Wing it like Witches)

-Eda to be captured and almost petrified because Luz thought she could just steal from the Emperor with no consequences in an attempt to help (Agony of a Witch)

I’m like 90% sure these aren’t even all. None of those make her a terrible person, for the record, but as all humans are, she is flawed and makes bad choices. She learns from these experiences and matures, just like her mom had hoped she would at camp. She’s also made friends there, which was another thing Camila wanted for her daughter.

You’ll probably realize that a lot of Luz’s behaviors I mentioned follow one of two patterns: 1. Luz’s idealized fantasy world causing problems, when she walks around with rose tinted glasses and gets people in trouble in the process because she hasn’t thought about the consequences, and 2. Luz trying to help someone she loves, but instead making things worse in the progress. The issue with this one is often that she doesn’t communicate her ideas/listen to the people she’s trying to help—like when Willow and Gus said they’ve had enough of Grudgby, or how she never actually talks to Eda about the healing hat idea before doing something reckless.

…does the latter one sound familiar to you at all? No? Because it’s the exact same thing that Camila did.

Some of the things Luz does are reckless and actively endanger others and herself, and that’s something that I think we need to acknowledge before judging Camila. As Luz’s mom, it’s Camila’s job to interfere in those situations. That she made a mistake while trying to protect Luz doesn’t make her a terrible person, especially as, again, the narrative proves her right to an extent.

I’m not saying her making Luz promise to come back and stay isn’t something that hurt Luz—it absolutely is. But it was born out of desperation. She’s emotional and in shock. She’s so full of pain and regret. She just wants her fourteen year old daughter home safe, and there’s nothing abusive or even morally ambiguous about that.

From Luz’s perspective, what she says is absolutely heartbreaking, but from Camila’s, it’s perfectly reasonable. I doubt Camila has the full picture, but even if she does, she’s had a full fifteen seconds to process that her daughter has not only been lying to her for months, but chose to leave her, and is in the demon realm of all places. Of course she’d be emotional and upset about that! Who wouldn’t? Camila isn’t a robot. If she’d been calm about this I’d be way more concerned, honestly.

My parents don’t get mad that easily, but if I would lie to them for weeks on end, they’d be pissed off too, not even taking the running away from home part into account. That’s a normal thing. People don’t like being lied to. Camila is absolutely devastated in that moment because she’s scared that Luz left because she hates her, when Luz actively states that her leaving wasn’t about her mom—which is another thing we should really be acknowledging.

Abusive parents suck and abuse should obviously never be apologized or trivialized, but saying something hurtful in the heat of the moment isn’t the same thing as being an abusive parent. My parents have done this. I’ve done this. And yes, those things can be emotionally manipulative, but there’s a huge difference in whether that’s a habit or a person speaking out of hurt and desperation in a very specific context. I doubt there’s anyone on the entire planet that hasn’t had a bad moment where they’ve said something like this because they were hurting. People lash out when they hurt, and they beg for reassurance when they’re scared. That’s something we all do.

The whole mindset of “all parents have to be perfect and can never get upset or make any mistakes” is harmful as hell, and honestly also very unrealistic. No parent is perfect, and especially people like me who have a relationship with their parents that’s very good overall should know that.

Once you have a child, parenting is a non-stop learning process, every day for the rest of your life. Taking away that room to grow and expecting perfection isn’t helping anyone, especially not struggling single parents.

And I see Camila as someone who is very willing to learn, because at the end of the day, all she wants is for Luz to be happy. Let’s give her some time to wrap her head around this whole situation. Let’s see what she says once she sees for herself how happy Luz is in that world, may it be via the videos eventually coming through or Camila visiting and meeting Luz’s found family, her friends and her girlfriend.

Ultimately, I don’t think Camila will force Luz to stay at home, but we have to give her some time. She wants what’s best for Luz, and she’s gonna need some convincing that a dangerous magical world is what’s best. I feel like that’s very normal considering the circumstances.

Her and Luz need to work on their communication on both ends, they both have things to learn, but I’m certain they’ll manage to fix their relationship in the long run.

If the bunk bed is any indication, I think Vee is gonna stay in the human realm permanently while Luz sleeps at home but keeps attending Hexside in the daytime. That feels like a solution that keeps everyone happy, and allows Luz to spend time with all the people she loves. I can’t see her being forced to choose at the end.

As a closing statement: Eda isn’t an ideal mom, Amity isn’t an ideal friend or girlfriend and neither is Luz, Lilith isn’t an ideal sister… but that’s because no one is ever an ideal anything. Being flawed is a big part of being human. Everyone has different facets to their personality. Their flaws are what makes them such great, relatable, believable characters.

And I feel the same way about Camila. She’s an extremely believable character that reminds me of my own parents, flawed but very loving nonetheless.

(Also honestly, I think it’s pretty telling that some of you guys immediately bash the black single mom that’s obviously trying her hardest while giving the benefit of the doubt to Alador, who has been portrayed as neglecting and threatened his six year old daughter on screen. This was already a thing before we knew much about either of them, and I’m disappointed but unfortunately not very surprised that it still is.)

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liesoverthec · 3 years ago

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OG 911 Character Details from Canon Pt 2

Hi y’all I’m back! I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who reblogged the last details post - I sort of just thought people would like it and it would die, so to see it travel and hopefully reach more writers was so great so thank you again!

Details under the cut since I went a little crazy 😅 and if this is your first time seeing this, the first part, and any future parts, can be found under this tag here!

Quick note before I get to the details - always, ALWAYS take details from dialogue or plot over details from the set or props if they contradict each other. The writers have the ultimate say over what happens on the show/for the characters, so whatever they say goes, even if it goes against something props has already laid down (eg, Chim’s birthday, sorry Libra crew. He’s an Aries or a Pisces). So keep that in mind for the future in case some of these details I have which are from props/set are changed in the future, or if you’ve noticed something yourself!

Also if you have questions, I am MORE than happy to answer them, although if you leave them in the tags on this post I’m probably gonna lose them, so if it’s something you’d genuinely like an answer to, drop it in my inbox! Besides my standard “ask” tags, I’m also tagging asks about canon details with this tag here. Every time I make a big post like this, I’m going to link all the asks I’ve gotten since the last post, but if you’re looking for more info in the mean time, that’s the other spot to look!

Buck has a grill on his patio.

Eddie doesn’t hang Christopher’s art on the fridge - instead it is either hung on the corkboard in Chris’ room to the left of the door, or Eddie puts it in an actual frame and hangs it using a hammer/nails in Christopher’s room. All the Diaz family has on their fridge is a bunch of bendy people magnets. (I absolutely ADORE him putting all this effort into treating Christopher’s art like it’s something you’d buy from a professional artist).

Info on everyone’s ages can be found here. (Little more discussion of Chim’s situation here).

Albert has a bachelor’s degree! I don’t know in what though, except that it’s some field for which is a Master’s is useful.

Athena was in a sorority in college, Delta Sigma Theta. Their website describes them as “ ...a sisterhood comprised primarily of Black, college-educated women ... [that] considers the issues impacting the Black community and boldly confronts the challenges of African Americans and, hence, all Americans ”, which I love for Athena, and feel is very in-character for her at that time in her life!

Chim is an aviators dude. When he wears sunglasses, they’re always aviators.

Athena also wears nothing but aviators.

Bobby wears square aviators.

Eddie, on the other hand, always wears Wayfarers.

Buck either doesn’t really like sunglasses or he constantly forgets he owns them, since we’ve only seen him wear them once in 60 eps, in a move I’m pretty sure was ONLY for dramatic effect.

Hen’s sunglasses change style over the seasons like her regular glasses do, but she tends to like browline sunglasses.

Info on Christopher’s school can be found here!

There are two colors of dispatch polo, and there doesn’t seem to be any rhythm or reason for who wears what. Maroon - Maddie and Linda. Blue - Josh and May. Jamal has actually worn both maroon and blue, so it doesn’t seem to be TOTALLY set in stone although I’ve never seen anyone else switch. Sue is too badass to wear a dispatch shirt.

Both Bobby and Eddie drive 4 door pickups. Bobby’s is navy. Eddie specifically has a black, 2020 GMC Denali 1500 pickup truck (in case you want to specifically look up what the inside of it looks like or what features it has 😂)

Info on the 118’s medical certifications can be found here.

Correction to Eddie’s living situation from last post: no next door neighbors, but instead UPSTAIRS neighbors. (Pointed out by Abigail in this ask). Also since someone else was wondering the notes of the last post - no, there is absolutely no discussion on the show of whether or not Eddie rents the apartment or owns it. But based on the fact that it’s 1) LA and 2) an apartment, my guess would be he rents it.

When Maddie isn’t feeling like herself, she tends to straighten her hair rather than curl it. It seems to be more when she’s uncertain about her place in her own and other people’s lives, rather than just when she’s simply worried - eg it’s straight in 2B, when she’s uncertain if she wants to continue working as a dispatcher/is unsure about her relationship with Chim.

For work, Chim, Eddie and Buck all use black duffel bags with a LAFD patch on the top. Hen uses several different cute bags, and Bobby seems to have a plain black duffel bag.

Watches - Bobby, Athena, Chim, Hen and Buck all wear their watch on their left wrist (but Athena ONLY wears hers for work, she takes it off at home.) Eddie wears his on his right wrist, and Maddie doesn’t wear one.

Chim (and Maddie by default) literally still have the exact same couch as in the pilot. (Which means that Chim has cuddled Tatiana on that couch, AND Albert has had sex on it. TIME TO GET A NEW ONE, BUCKLEY-HANS 😂)

The 118 has five different rigs - the engine (E118), the ladder truck (T118), two ambulances and the captain’s truck. 95% of the time, when the team is chilling in the cab of a rig and chatting (eg the ‘stuck under a live telephone pole’ scene in Jinx), they’re in the engine, not the truck. (Which I personally learned recently are NOT interchangeable terms!)

Athena and Michael got married when Athena was 37.

If you’d like to give Maddie a full name beyond “Maddie”, you should use Madeline. (I know, I know, in 4x04 she says Maddie is the name on her birth certificate, and that you should never use props details if they contradict script details, but I always thought that was a super weird exchange in 4x04 which could be explained by Maddie getting a nickname since she was born when Margaret and Phillip, you know, actually loved their kids and showed it, so of course Buck doesn’t get one, and in 4x04, Maddie was trying to avoid the entire issue of why she got one and Buck didn’t. But! Do what you want, and use Madeline as the full version of Maddie if you’d like, since that’s what’s on the BOLO in 2x13 😂)

Athena’s call sign is 727 L30, but she doesn’t have a specific squad car - the number changes throughout the series.

Chim really likes chewing gum, but he’s the only one out of the entire family!

The station has an Xbox One S, and it’s white.

In the real LAFD, there are stations 1 through 114. To avoid confusion while filming on the streets (I’m assuming), our fictional LAFD never uses the number of a real station. So if you want another station for a fic, and you want something that would be real in OUR universe, use the numbers 115 and above. They’ve gone as high as 221 in our universe.

Battalions - station 118 is in Battalion 7, which is also not a battalion in real Los Angeles. The 118 has interacted w/ Battalion 1, which is a real battalion, but other ‘non-real which makes them more likely for our universe’ battalions include numbers: 3, 8, 13, 16, 19 and above.

S1 Buck knew the term Jedi, but based on context, didn’t understand AT ALL the context provided by Star Wars, so there’s another edge of his pop culture limits for you.

Chim is the most tech-savvy out of everyone, hands down.

Athena has a VERY active Twitter account.

Abuela’s house number is 8902. I don’t have a street name for you unfortunately though. :/

Athena’s favorite flowers are white roses. None of the other women are really flower people.

Michael likes to wear purple.

When they’re at a call, Buck does pretty much all of the stuff with the hammer and the saw. Eddie does all the work needed with the drill.

Harry goes to Meadowbrook Elementary.

Buck lives on the fourth floor of his apartment building, across the hall from Apt. 416. The lovely @lovelessmotel found this listing for what is more or less the apartment. What happened was: the set crew rented this apartment for the one episode at the end of s2 when Buck moved in, and then over the summer before s3 built their own set of it, and changed some things - eg giving him an island, and moving the sink to a second counter against the far wall, you can see the changes here in this amazing gif set by the awesome Austen, but the listing should let you click around a little more upstairs and figure out dimensions better than what the show provides!

When Athena and Hen go out to eat together, it’s always fast food burgers and fries.

Waffles are Athena’s favorite food, and tiramisu is her favorite dessert.

Every takeout we’ve seen Buck eat has always been in a Chinese food takeout container, and we know he likes Thai food the best. EXCEPT! The one time we see him eat takeout with Eddie and Christopher, they have pizza. So take from that what you will......

Eddie has a cell phone and a landline.

Chim is a shameless multiple texter.

Chim and Bobby sleep closest to the door in their respective bedrooms (both right side of the bed if you are standing at the foot, facing the headboard), and Athena and Maddie sleep furthest away from the door (left side).

Some canon last names for other firefighters at the station in case you wanna add more people to a fic - Mitchell, Sanchez, Serrano (woman), Porter, Meyers (woman), Maxwell, Voyta

Hen and Karen really love decorating their house with dark/red wood.

Karen is Mommy and Hen is Mama.

Bobby has a brother, and a grandmother, and that’s literally ALL we know about his family outside of Marcy and the kids.

Evidence points to Eddie being the oldest child in his family.

Karen has multiple brothers (no sisters), but no idea how many - just that one of them is named Trey, and one of them lives in LA and has kids. They might be the same brother and they might not be.

Both Hen and Athena are only children.

Athena has been on the police force for 30 years.

Christopher and Denny are the same age (born in 2011), and Harry is two years older than them.

Michael lives in apartment 308.

The bank in this universe is CalAm.

Hen and Karen have a picture of Denny, May and Harry on their fireplace mantel.

Eddie having a black thumb + a lot of plants in his living room = him buying fake plants bc he likes the aesthetic ™ or someone (cough Carla cough) is taking care of them for him.

The COVID timeline in OG’s universe is fucked up compared to the real world’s, so it shouldn’t be used as a way to measure time! They just throw it in wherever it makes sense for the story they want to tell (eg the vaccines in s4 ep 8), since s3 was both done before COVID hit but also airing while it was happening. It makes absolutely no sense for May to graduate in March nor for Chris to be going to what is specifically labeled summer camp, and the vaccine plotline was INCREDIBLY early, even for real life, so don’t use anything from that as a measure of time. I’ve found except in specific examples, eg the two tsunami episodes, it’s very safe to say every episode covers a week - fall holidays on the show line up with their real life counterparts, indicating about the same amount of time is passing for us and them.

On that note - Jee-Yun was born in late January, early February 2021. (Conceived in Pinned, which was end of March/beginning of April, meaning Maddie was around a month along at May’s graduation in May ➡ 42 weeks + 3 days from then = late Jan/early Feb. Which unfortunately means we most likely won’t see her birthday celebrated on screen. If we assume she was conceived on the date Pinned aired, aka the very sexy hotel scene, then January 21st or 22nd would be Jee’s birthday, depending on if she was born after midnight or not.

Buck has had at least one other Jeep between the one Maddie gave him, and the one he has now, which means that when he needs a new car, he is purposefully choosing Jeeps.

I hope this was all as interesting/enjoyable to you as it was to me! And just to repeat - I love answering questions so pls let me know if you have any at all ❤

🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝

Tagging: @buckbuckley

#911 fox #911 canon character details #athena grant #bobby nash #chimney han #hen wilson #maddie buckley #evan buckley #eddie diaz #bathena #madney #henren #buddie #userac #hey yall if anyone else wants to be added to these tags let me know #im happy to do so #I feel like I have v little for Bobby here sorry :/#I’ll work on getting lots for him next time

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cinnamonest · 4 years ago

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Yandere Profile -- Eijiro Kirishima

Ahhh I finally finished this one! I love my loud red boy bless him

For @shorkbrian !!

Tws: Fem reader, yandere, delusional mindsets, kidnapping, manipulation, stalking, mentions of death, normal yandere content, mentions of a high school setting

Tws (below cut): Noncon, throatfucking, pain content

This is also the first time I'm including my new severity scale (which I just made a post about before this one) in a profile!

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Severity Scale

Intelligence/Perceptiveness: 6 Brutality: 5 Physical capability: 9 Mental/emotional instability: 6 Restrictiveness: 5 Sexual sadism: 6 Stubbornness: 8

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's actually not one of the yanderes that stalks from a distance - he's not so nervous that he can't approach you, no, he's comfortable enough to talk to you in person. Being away from you physically is almost painful, he wants to spend as much time with you as possible. He's also one you might catch onto a little bit, because he's just on the border of being a little lacking in self awareness to the point that he doesn't always realize when he's smothering you. Of course, it aligns well enough with his general personality that you won't think too much of it, just that he can be a little overbearing or clingy.

That being said, he does do his fair share of information collecting when you're not together. Boy is a master at data collection - he'll find socials you forgot you had, posts you made years ago, every major information collection site there is, he'll use to find everything he can about you. Your socials, your friends' socials, your relatives' socials. Even if you have one of those apps that lets you see who's stalking you on your social media, he's already planned ahead for that, and uses a variety of burner accounts so you never notice a thing.

Especially in later stages, as his mental stability is slowly worn down, he's prone to the classic yandere persona flip. Can go from his usual very energetic, spirited, happy go lucky sort of demeanor and, in very shocking and unexpected moments, become highly aggressive towards others, or even snap at you with an uncharacteristic coldness. However, he's aware enough to know he's doing it, and quickly backpedals once he does, apologizing and telling you he's just having a really bad day. Only these "bad days" seem to pile up quite a bit as time goes on.

Similarly, he becomes more delusional with time. At first he might actually be fairly receptive towards your friends, even male ones, and while his behaviors and stalking is present, it's not over-the-top just yet. It will take a few months but gradually he finds himself slipping into an increasing pattern -- just one more hour sitting outside your dorm room, just one more text, one more post of yours from five years ago, just one more of this or that and soon it's completely spiraled out of his control.

He's also aware enough at first to realize you might not be too keen on, you know, essentially imprisonment. If it weren't so fucked up, it would almost be funny to watch him - rehearsing the whole speech he will have to give to darling when she wakes up to himself in the mirror, nervously pacing, not making eye contact the whole time he's explaining himself and later finishing off telling you you're here forever with a "so, uh, yeah," and a nervous little laugh. He's a bit panicked himself but will do his best to calm poor darling down, and, as he tells himself, your initial reaction will be bad, but you'll adjust.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

He's surprisingly patient and can bide his time. If you're good, he's one of a few where you may be able to prolong your freedom and evade captivity for a very long time, years even. In order to achieve this, though, you'll have to never question his very much questionable behaviors, listen to him when he says not to talk to anyone else, spending every waking moment with him, that sorta thing. So really, it only works for a very naive darling who is already paranoid of others. For most people, who will, you know, call him out on his bullshit, he'll change his mind about letting you be free pretty quickly.

This is especially true if he feels like he's losing you -- if you just get upset that's one thing, but if he senses you're starting to become wary of him or even avoid him, he'll be pushed to the edge very quickly. He's not the brightest when it comes to his methods, most likely opting for a very simple break-in during your sleep or kidnapping you on the way home sort of deal.

He was something of this "waiting period," a time some types of yanderes have where they try to be normal. These types of yanderes are most likely to start of their relationships as normal and organic and only gradually devolve, or snap, into a higher state of delusion and unhealthy behavior. He's no exception to this, and you may get a few months of a very normal relationship with only small red flags that seem to be gradually increasing.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

To escape, only moderate difficulty, actually. To stay escaped? That's a different story.

You see, he's got a slight predator-prey thing going on and will most likely give you a window of opportunity here or there (not a lot, only when he's carefully arranged it out). Early on he has a tracking device implanted in you while you're knocked out, but never tells you about it. He'll let you get a little ways, never so far that there's any risk, and always stays within very close proximity. Watching your worried eyes as you can't shake the feeling of something watching you, knowing you're questioning your own sanity in your state of paranoia. It's really cute, watching you dart your head back and forth into the shadows, every which way except for the actual place he's standing. Will wait until you inevitably run into seclusion, when you take that turn onto a corner with no eyewitnesses, when you duck into a business closed for the night for cover, and he'll have a hand around your mouth before you can even make a noise.

He knows he should be mad, but he gets off to it so much it's hard to be genuinely angry rather than just... Roughly exerting the pent up energy into you. Which in and of itself is something of a punishment.

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

It's a mix of "more intelligent than he lets on," and "still kinda on the dull side." In particular, he's not very good at telling when someone is lying. It's honestly a coin toss every time you try, which actually makes it more difficult, really. You'll be just hopeful enough that maybe you can deceive him on this one thing, but there's a 50-50 chance it won't work. Unlike a super intelligent yandere who you automatically know better than to try, you'll keep getting your hopes up and trying with him, which ultimately results in more punishments when it fails.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He's moderate on allowances, but still restrictive on contact. As in, he'll get you the things you want, especially once he's making tons of money as a pro. Lets you have a highly controlled phone, complete with internet, but given a lock to prevent commenting or sending or uploading of any kind (aside from messages to him, of course). He doesn't really care too much about the media you consume or whatnot, but if he decides he doesn't like something specifically -- say, youtube videos on lockpicking -- then he'll probably take it away for a time until he can figure out how to better control it.

He's one to let you roam his place to an extent, once again it's a case-by-case basis of "you have this privilege until you do something to lose it." You can cook and access the kitchen until an incident of you hurting yourself or attacking him. You can watch tv and roam around until you break something intentionally out of spite. That sort of thing -- he deals with the problems when they arise, but is generally fairly lenient on your allowances, so really it's very unwise to take that privilege for granted, since it's a lot more than what a lot of yans would allow.

When you're really really good, he'll definitely let you go out with him. As we'll discuss, he likes to emulate normalcy, and really likes the fun kind of dates - theme parks and movies and the like. It'll be quite a while before you get to this stage though, as he has to feel 100% confident you won't try anything at all. Of course, if you do try anything, the privilege will be lost until you earn it back. However, this will also be entirely undercover on his end, probably wearing masks and sunglasses or the like. He doesn't want people to see you with him and recognize him, like a lot of the mha yans, he fears the potential of someone using you against him.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Once again a "make them up as you go" guy. Listen, he didn't plan much beyond the initial kidnapping you and security, so there's a lot he hasn't thought about. From day one, what's made clear is you're not to leave and that you need to accept the way things are as soon as possible, and you know, be a doll and be sweet for him. As time goes on things get added -- don't look up this or that, don't attack or resist, don't backtalk him, don't give him the cold shoulder, etc etc. Over time it will amount to a lot, actually, you see, he's got a very specific image of how you should behave in his mind. Anything that deviates from that will quickly become a rule. So it's kind of like a puzzle for poor darling, you're not given an exact image of what you're supposed to act like or what you're not allowed to do, you just gradually find out with trial and error and an ever-growing behavioral rule list what is and isn't acceptable

.He can't stand isolation punishments, can't take being away from you for that long. He might try at first, but, almost comically, he cracks very early and brings you back out (just went you thought you were gonna get a break from him). It's primarily, (in our sfw section) a matter of losing privileges. To him, he knows that one of the worst punishments is boredom, so he'll take away your things that occupy you and leave you with nothing, potentially restraining you to a single room, so that you eventually cave and apologize.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

He uses social methods or underhanded, subtle tricks to eliminate people rather than killing them. Frames them for stealing, or some other misdeed to get them expelled, ruins their social reputation, fakes messages to make you hate them, maybe even to make them hate you. that's during the school-age stages of things. Now, an older hero Kirishima, definitely uses his status to get things done the way he wants. Come on, who in their right mind would try to take the girl of a pro hero to begin with? They were asking for it. He has a few similar methods -- ruins their public image, frames them for a crime, or, if they're persistent enough, may very well just use a couple connections to make sure they disappear -- potentially disappear entirely, or perhaps get permanently hospitalized from a bad accident, become the random victim of some villains, etc.

That being said, during the pre-kidnapping stages, he's definitely gonna start fights with other dudes for looking at you the wrong way. Even if it's horrifically embarrassing, he thinks of it as a show of manliness. You'll eventually have to pull him off and calm him down before he pummels the poor victim of choice completely. Over time, this earns him a reputation for being insanely protective, and it makes people start to avoid both him and you, which is all the better in his mind.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

With most things, he's pretty slow to anger, tries to be very patient and understanding. You have to wittle down that patience with repeated and deliberate disobedience to get a snap out of him - which is highly possible, considering poor darling initially is given no bad reaction. You'll think he's a pushover since he doesn't get super mad the first time, or the second or third, so when he finally does snap it's pretty frightening - it's all the irritation bottled up and released at once.

He tries hard to project the image of who he's known to be - a chill, good natured, optimistic guy, which is why he manages to be so patient. He doesn't want that image ruined for you, and he's very very particular about, and worries about, the image of him in your mind. He has a deep need for you to see him as a heroic figure, to look up to him, and to see him as above you, so he doesn't want to ruin that with violence and anger.

It's usually a literal snap of some sort - whatever he's holding gets slammed down on the table, or crushed or snapped in half (say, a glass or pen). His voice gets low, and builds up into a snarl. Definitely one to grab you by the hair. Drags you to wherever he deems a suitable place to take care of your issues.

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

He doesn't think about these things too much, and really, he's somewhat in the middle or can even fluctuate. A lot of it depends on you. If you're good and obedient, he treats you like you're an angel, says he doesn't deserve you. Now, if you're not being so good, he might sometimes let the frustrations slip out into some bitterness, likewise muttering that you should be a bit more grateful that someone like him loves you so much.

That being said, he does want you to see him as above you, wants you to look up to him and, simply, he wants you to think he's amazing and heroic! He goes out of his way to repeatedly impress you with displays of strength and the like, and, like a lot of the hero yanderes, will frequently subject you to watching the news of him saving people. He exaggerates his heroics significantly and makes sure you know just how many people he saved, and of course, he makes sure to show you every girl that blows up his phone after finding his number somehow, all the adoring females fans, and so on, in a very blatant attempt to make you jealous -- having all those fans does get his ego going a bit.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Definitely strongly determined. He wants not only your acceptance, but also to somewhat normalize the relationship. He emulates a lot of normal behaviors like aforementioned dates, but also things like "date night" at home (cuddles on the couch and watching TV, playing games, takeout etc), little good morning texts for you to wake up to when he has to leave early, making food together. It's so tender and sweet that sometimes you could almost forget that you're being trapped against your will. It also, of course, is very beneficial for his imperatives, considering that that sweetness will only help you adjust more quickly.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Probably the previously noted extent to which he strives towards a very butchered resemblance of normalcy. It's like he wants to just be a normal couple... but he doesn't, he can't. I'd say that even he himself kind of struggles with it a bit -- psychologically, he's one of the yanderes that deludes himself because he has to. It doesn't come super naturally, it's that, being forced to recognize how unhealthy and harmful his extreme controlling and possessiveness is, to come to terms with the fact that those urges aren't normal... the guilt would eat him alive if he actually stopped to think about that, if he actually allowed himself to admit that reality to himself. So, he doesn't. He will push that thought away, even though it does exist somewhere deep down, until the day he dies. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't delude himself into believing it's all necessary, and that he's good to you. A lot of his more lenient tendencies stem from this.

It's a conflict between parts of his brain -- a duality of sorts. One part says he wants the normalcy -- he wants dates and love and sex and fun and he wants it all organically, he doesn't want to be a kidnapper, doesn't want to have to do these things. But as much as he wishes he didn't have to, the other part of him does, in fact, say that he has to do these things. Yanderes that have these sorts of internal conflicts due to a strong sense of morality (which he DOES have, really) tend to have a "waiting period," as he does, which I mentioned above -- a time where they try to go about things normally but find themselves unable to.

As a result, I'd say he's one of the yanderes that's actually very likely to start off as an actual boyfriend, rather than a stranger or a friend. He's confident enough to ask you out and charming enough to get a yes, but he just can't control himself over time.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Like some of my other yans I've discussed, he has what you call reactive sexuality. On his own, he's average for a young man, but once he has someone he really has a lot of affection for, that drive goes up significantly in their presence. There's a lot more stimulation, after all, it gets those hormones raging and the urge to fuck goes way up pretty quickly now that there's an availability.

He's moderate-to-heavy on the perversion for what you'd expect from a guy like himself. He's far from pure but he knows exactly how to teeter the line of being just gross enough to make you squirm and blush without being such a horndog that he actually offends you or drives you away. Not that he won't push that line as far as he can, constantly testing your boundaries.

As for touchiness, oof he's VERY touchy. Poor darling. It, like many things, increases with time in the pre-kidnapping stage -- even from the get go he's prone to slinging an arm over your shoulder or leaning on you, but that progresses into gradual soft gropes that you almost feel like you imagined, and extended touches, hands gripping your shoulders, etc. Post-kidnapping, very touchy all the time. Very much a cuddler and likes to grab at everything he can when he does so.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

It's eh, moderate, but ultimately, as in yandere nature, force will be used if necessary. He's so sweet about it at first that it almost doesn't even feel like it. He tells himself you're afraid, and any lashing out is just because of that. Even if you say he's the problem, he thinks that's just because you're embarrassed to admit you're scared. Everything you can come up with, he'll loop back to that rationalization. It helps him get over any potential guilt he'd otherwise have, which he certainly would if he didn't lie to himself.

He's so sweet about the whole thing its nauseating for poor darling. Wiping away any tears on your face, taking a long long time to prepare you up with fingers and touches and words, and telling you it'll be ok, that it only hurts for a second, that he'll make you feel so good, that you'll be happy this happened just as much as he is.

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Oral fixation

This boy just... saying he wants you to blow him is understating it. He wants to throatfuck you -- grab you by the hair and use your face like a toy. In the beginning he'll be gentler, but he fantasizes about reaching a point at which he can really just go at it, train your gag reflex to be virtually non-existent. He likes to cum down your throat, but even more he loves pulling out at the last moment and telling you to hold your mouth open and tongue out, jerking off onto your tongue, getting some on your face, and telling you to swallow.

Roleplay/Lingerie

Specifically, he'll get into anything service related. Maid outfits galore. He loves treating you like a doll, really, dressing you up in whatever newest lewdest thing he can find. Definitely keeps up with the newest outfit trends of the egirl type of sphere -- loves the things like thigh highs, virgin killer sweaters, garters, anything of the sort. Very much into the "cutesy" type of stuff on you, expect lots of pastel colors and soft fluffy things. Also 100% will get a tail plug and animal ears of some kind. And it's not just for looks, he likes you to act out the role, too. He's actually super-blushy about the whole idea at first, but he does like the idea of being called "Master," especially when it's all soft and embarrassed coming out of your own mouth.

Size difference/strength difference

It ties back into the thing of wanting you to look up to him. He loves loves loves seeing the faces and the little squeals you make for him when he gives you displays of raw strength - and he'll be sure to frequently remind you of exactly how strong he is. Standing-fucking, slinging you over his shoulder when he's dragging you back home, picking you up and throwing you on the bed, grabbing you by the hips and lifting your entire body up and down when you're on top of him and using you as effortlessly as if you were a near-weightless fleshlight.

No matter which size you may be, he loves it whichever way. If you're tiny and short it gives him an automatic power rush, but if you're larger and taller he loves that too - it gives him a massive ego boost that he can pin you down and control your body with such ease, bonus points if you thought he couldn't since you're bigger than he is.

Size kink pt 2

Also a size related thing, but specifically dick. Listen I refuse to believe this man doesn't have a girthy, thick dick. And he loves the things it can do to you -- the way you gasp and shudder, even little whimpers of pain. He feels bad if there's any pain, but he can't help but get off to the squeals just a little bit, the tears in your eyes are just so cute. Definitely loves making a visible bulge on your stomach, and will make sure you see it too, holding your head in place to force you to watch your stomach bulge every time he thrusts in. Bulging your throat is equally hot, as mentioned above. And he loves the way that there's just that slightly visible gape for a few minutes after he pulls out as your body adjusts.

Threeways

Perhaps very rare for a yandere, he's one of a few that isn't 100% opposed to sharing, provided it's with special individuals, namely a certain blonde friend. Not so much in the relationship aspect, but a sexual one, and it's very well-controlled on his end, with him having the ultimate power over the whole situation. There will always be things that only HE can do to you that no one else can, of course, and it's all only with those he trusts to never spill about your existence. Still, he just really really likes seeing you get spitroasted, really. Can you blame him?

And of course, he'll make sure to get reassurance from you that you only love him and don't care about Katsuki at all, and if he ever gets even the slightest feeling that that might not be the case, it's a kink he'll give up easily if it means soothing the potential raging jealousy.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He actually really, really likes the thought of being a dad. It's sort of a pride thing, having a family he can love and support (it's not like you're gonna be allowed to work), showing you off to everyone. And of course, the emotional attachment you'll undoubtedly form, the dependency you'll have on him.

Getting to watch cum drip out of you and never having to pull out is a nice bonus, too.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Big into overstim. It's perfect because it's a punishment that is both effective, doesn't technically hurt you, and releases all those good chemicals all at the same time. He doesn't initially want to hurt you too bad, but, if you're really bad -- either in terms of the severity of the offense or the number of times you continue to do it -- he can reach a point of anger at which he'll resort to impact-pain-based punishments, too. Ever the sweet one, he actually does research first to make sure he won't go too far and seriously injure you, but once's he's made all the right purchases, I could see him settling on riding crops, he will make you hurt.

And, really, because it all gets him off at the same time -- the strangled little cries and mewls and whimpers are so much hotter than they should be. He likely blindfolds you the whole time, partially to increase your fear and anticipation, but also so that you don't know he's jerking off to the whole thing.

The aforementioned throatfucking is also an effective and very quick, straight-to-the-point punishment when need be. If he's super mad and doesn't have the self control to take you elsewhere he may very well just dump you on your knees and demand you open your mouth or else you'll be in for a lot more pain. If he's in that kind of borderline-sadist mood he can get cruel with it too -- cumming in your mouth but not letting you swallow, making you hold the gross taste against your tongue for several minutes, or, his favorite guilty pleasure he feels too bad making you do most of the time, slamming your face all the way down and holding his cock all the way down your throat, perfectly still. No matter how hard you try to pull back or beat on his thighs, he has an iron grip and will hold you there until you nearly pass out.

Also, hell, just fucking him can be a punishment if he wants it to be. He can manhandle you with such a brutality and strength that it's genuinely painful. You want to know what it feels like to have a, literally, rock-hard dick ramming into your cervix?

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Very much a thigh boy. Not only are they soft and pillowy, but he loves to bite and suck at the insides of your thighs and leave lots and lots of marks. They're just as much for you as they are for him. He makes sure you always wear shorts or short skirts (or nothing is fine too) to make sure said marks are always within your vision.

#yandere bnha #yandere boku no hero academia #yandere mha #yandere my hero academia #yandere kirishima #tw: non/con #tw: yandere

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ves-is-writing-bnha-again · 4 years ago

Text

Three's a Crowd

A/n: Did I just spend 10 hours straight, writing this? Yes. Is it currently 7am? Also yes. Do I care? Not really.

Warning(s): angst, hurt/comfort

Pairing(s): Hitoshi Shinsou x reader, Shouto Todoroki x reader

“Shinsou! Stop it! Let him go!” The teacher shouted, distressed by the sudden turn of events. Shinsou, only 4 years old and not fully understanding what’s happening, began to get upset, “What are you doing to him?!” She cried, shaking the boy in front of him, “I don’t know.” He said quietly, tears building up and rolling down his cheeks, “Well stop it!” The teacher said sternly and he only cried harder. The teachers assistant came over to see what was happening, “Looks like the kid’s eyes are fogged over. Might be a type of mind control.” He said calmly, not even acknowledging Shinsou crying behind him, “Well make him stop!” The teacher snapped and the assistant gave him a stern look, “Kid cut it out, let him go you could be hurting him.” He scolding Shinsou which made him cry even more, “I don’t know how!” He cried.

He felt arms wrap around him, and while he couldn’t see clearly due to the tears blurring his vision, he could make out a head of h/c hair and big e/c eyes looking at him. He immediately started to feel calm and next thing he knew, the boy in front of him shook his head and made a beeline for the teacher, hiding behind her.

For weeks, other kids avoided him. He heard his teachers talking about him in passing, apparently he had developed his quirk, but nobody knew due to it being a mental one. It wasn’t until he accidentally brainwashed the boy when trying to ask him if he wanted to play that anyone had realized it. After that, he was deemed too dangerous to be left alone with any of the others, under constant supervision. Not that it mattered seeing as the others didn’t seem to want to be near him anyway.

Except for one. One he came to know as Y/n.

They were so sweet to him. Unlike everyone else, they would approach him when told to find a buddy for arts and crafts, sit with him during snack time. Would even join him during nap time. When outside for recess, they would ask if he wanted to join them on the swings, or just sit and play with toys. The two of them became inseparable.

Teachers were worried he had brainwashed them and kept interfering, trying to separate the two, but that was quickly put to a stop when Y/n’s father told them off for trying to isolate a child after hearing about how Y/n was upset about not being allowed to play with Shinsou and witnessing first hand at drop off how the staff kept them from going near him. After that, Y/n was allowed to be near him, but it came with other classmates not wanting to be near them either, not that they cared.

The two remained best friends even once they reached middle school and the villain comments started. Y/n stuck with him every time a nasty comment was thrown his way, even tried to fight a few people, but Shinsou never let it get too far. He knew Y/n’s dream of being a hero, and didn’t want them to get in trouble and jeopardize it for him. He wanted to be a hero as well, and part of that is keeping those you care about safe, which included keeping your best friend from making a dumb mistake like fighting someone for making a passing comment.

However, that never stopped him from fighting a couple people. He didn’t care much for the villain comments. They hurt a bit yeah, but he ignored them when he could. He drew the line at people calling Y/n weak though. A hard line at that. Y/n had a healing quirk, good for physical injuries, but also emotional ones as well. Could heal a bone and a broken heart with a single hug or touch of the hand. It was how they calmed him down so quickly when they were younger. Any anger or sadness Shinsou felt was gone within seconds when they were around, but he was certain at this point that it wasn’t their quirk at play, that was just how he felt around them.

Running down the street, Shinsou was cursing himself. He woke up late and missed the train, having to wait for the next one in order to get to Y/n’s house in time. It was their birthday, and he had made plans with them to go out and get lunch together. It wasn’t just a special day for that reason. Today was the day he was going to ask them out as well. If the damn train would hurry up that is. Sitting in his seat, bag with their gift in one hand, phone in the other, he sent them a text, leg bouncing with anticipation. He knows they wouldn’t be mad at him, but damn he would feel bad if they got upset thinking he forgot.

The train arrived and he made a beeline inside to the closest seat, sitting down right as his phone buzzed. Checking it, he noticed it was a text from Y/n, letting him know that it was fine if he was late. Smiling at his phone he heard someone next to him chuckle. Looking to his right, he saw an older couple looking at him, “A grin like that must mean they’re pretty special hm?” The woman asked and he nodded, a faint blush appearing, “Very special.” He responded and they gave him a knowing look.

A little while later, he reached his stop and rushed off the train, booking it down the street, nearly running into several people before finally arriving at Y/n’s house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by their father, who grinned upon seeing Shinsou, still slightly out of breath, standing there, “Hey there, they’re up in their room” He said, letting Shinsou inside.

Thanking him, Shinsou made his way upstairs to their room, not bothering to knock when he came in. Y/n was sitting at their desk, looking at their phone only to turn and see him when they heard him come in.

“About time.” They said jokingly and he smiled, “Sorry, overslept.” He said sheepishly, hand reaching up to scratch the back of his neck. Y/n smiled back at him, “I’d rather you oversleep than not sleep at all.” They said, giving him that same look they always gave him when he didn’t sleep.

Remembering the gift, he held the bag out, “Happy birthday” He said, face turning a light pink when they grinned, “Aww, you didn’t have to get me anything, you know hanging out with you is enough for me.” They said, taking the bag, “I wanted to.” He said, “It’s not much I know, I only just recently started working at that cafe so I didn’t have much saved up but I saw it and thought of you so I-” He was cut off when they rushed towards him, hugging him tightly, “I love it.” They said, pulling away and admiring the small f/c teddy bear.

They went over to their bed, placing the bear by their pillow before grabbing their shoes and putting them on. Turning back to him, they grinned, “You ready?” They asked and he nodded, “After all that running I did, I’m starving.” He replied.

They grabbed his arm and tugged him out of their room, and downstairs, “Bye dad, we’ll be back in an hour or two!” They called before shutting the front door.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Did you hear about the kid on the news that got attacked by that slime looking monster?” Y/n asked as they sat in the park, eating the food they got, “The blond one?” Shinsou asked and they nodded, “Yeah I heard, can you believe that one kid just went running in like that? Even most of the pros couldn’t handle it and he just jumped right in. He’s insane.” He said and they laughed, “Dad said he didn’t know whether the kid was very brave or very stupid.” They said, “Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up being in the hero course at UA. He seemed to have some potential from the looks of it with the way he just dived right in wanting to help the guy.” They added and he nodded.

“Speaking of UA, have you heard anything about which class you’d be in?” They asked and he nodded, “Got put in general studies.” He said bitterly, glaring at the ground, “Oh. Well, maybe they just put you there cause they ran out of room? Your quirk is amazing, there has to be some good reason.” They said, “You mean other than that they probably think it’s too much of a villainous quirk?” He grumbled.

They put a hand on his shoulder. “Hey, don’t say that. I’m sure you’ll find a way to be a hero, and a great one at that.” They said, giving him that same cheerful smile that always managed to make him feel better and melt him at the same time.

“What about you?” He asked, ignoring his racing heart, “You know what class you’re in?” Y/n looked hesitant for a moment and he looked at them, raising an eyebrow. They mumbled something he couldn’t quite hear, “What?” He asked and they looked at him, “I got into the hero course. 1-A to be specific.” They said, loud enough for him to hear.

He was silent for a while, “Toshi? I’m sorry.” They said and he looked at them, “Sorry for what? It’s good you got in. At least one of us made it.” He told them, giving them a genuine smile. He couldn’t be mad at you, this had been your dream for years, who was he to get mad at you for following it?

Y/n leaned forward and pulled him into a hug, arms wrapped around his neck as one of his wrapped around their waist, “Hey I’m always gonna support you even if I can’t be right by your side okay?” He said, though it was slightly muffled and they nodded, holding him for a few more seconds before moving back to look at him, “I know you would, I’d do the same for you.” They said.

Shinsou wasn’t really sure what came over him. He wanted his confession to be something memorable. He had a little speech that he practiced and everything, but all the words he had just disappeared in that moment and he couldn’t help himself. With the hand that wasn’t currently on their waist, he cupped their face and leaned in slightly, testing the waters to see how they would react. When they didn’t pull away, he closed the gap. Pressing a light kiss to their lips before pulling away slightly. He felt their hands on his face as they brought him back and kissed him again.

He felt a drop of water hit his face and he pulled away and looked up at the sky. There seemed to be more clouds than before and he felt another drop hit his nose, “We need to go, grab the stuff.” He said, quickly grabbing their things and standing, before helping them up as more rain started pouring.

Grabbing their hand, the two took off back to Y/n’s house which luckily was about five or so minutes away from the park. The rain was pouring and both of them were absolutely soaked by the time they arrived and reached the front door, laughing as they caught their breath, “I promise...I didn’t know it would rain.” He said and they smiled, “Yeah I figured.” They said before cupping his face and pressing a light, quick kiss to his lips before pulling away and taking out their key to unlock the door.

Stepping inside, Y/n’s father was sitting on the couch watching tv. He looked over at them, “You two seem a bit wet.” He joked as they took off their shoes. Y/n rolled their eyes, but smiled, “Can he stay until the rain stops?” They asked and he nodded, “I’ll drive him home later.” He said and the pair went upstairs to change, Shinsou having a set of clothes he left the last time he spent the night. Y/n tossed him a towel as they sat on the bed and picked up the bear, holding it to their chest as he dried his hair, “Let’s watch a movie.” They said, sitting with their back against the wall, and he agreed.

Half an hour into the movie, Y/n fell asleep, leaning against his shoulder. Shinsou didn’t quite get to ask them out how he wanted, but he liked how things turned out nonetheless.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three months later, Y/n stood with Shinsou at the entrance of UA. They lightly squeezed his hand, nervous but excited, “You ready?” He asked and they hesitated, “I don’t like the fact that you won’t be there. I don’t know anyone in my class.” They said as they began walking to the doors, “You’ll be fine, we’ll see each other in the halls and during lunch, it’s not like we’ll be completely separated.” He said reassuring them.

Eventually, they reached Y/n’s classroom. Shinsou wrapped his arm around their waist and kissed their forehead, “Good luck.” He told them and they smiled, “You too.” They said as he walked away to his own class.

Stepping into the room, there were already a handful of students talking and getting to know each other. A taller guy with dark hair and glasses appeared to be lecturing a blond guy about something, what he was talking about they weren’t sure, but the blond looked smug. Wait! They knew him! He was the guy on the news! And the kid with the green hair behind him is the one that went running in!

Before Y/n could think anymore about it, someone approached them, she had short chin length brown hair, and big brown eyes, “Hey! I’m Uraraka! Are you excited for the first day?” She asked them and they nodded, “Oh absolutely! I’ve always dreamed about being here.” They said and she smiled, “Me too! This is so exciting! I can’t wait to have fun and make new friends!” She cheered. As more people came into the room, Uraraka gestured for Y/n to follow her, “Come sit with me! I feel like we’ll be good friends!” She said, heading back to her desk as they trailed after her. Sitting at the desk next to hers, and setting their bag next to them, they looked up to see a boy walk in. He had red and white hair split perfectly down the middle and different colored eyes with the right eye being grey, and the left one being a bright turquoise. He seemed to have a red scar around his left eye, that was a stark contrast to his fair skin.

“Who is that?” Uraraka whispered while pointing to the boy that just came in, seeing as the class was starting to quiet down and settle in their seats as the teacher arrived. Y/n shrugged, not knowing the answer, “No idea.” They replied.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a month since school started. Y/n was still recovering from the USJ incident. Due to having their own healing quirk, they didn’t need to visit recovery girl, having healed themselves after being carried out due to breaking their right leg in several places after being hit and thrown back by the nomu. Kirishima being the one that carried them with Todoroki applying ice to keep any swelling down, as instructed by All Might.

The downside of Y/n’s healing quirk is that while they can heal any physical injuries, they’re still left extremely sore for a while afterwards, usually about the same period of time it would have taken to heal had they not used their quirk. Unfortunately that meant having to walk around with a crutch until it went away and they could walk without searing pain shooting up their leg with every step.

They were heading back from lunch, having spent it with Shinsou, when they found themselves struggling to get down the stairs without falling, each step down hurting more than the last. One step at a time and everything will be fine, they might be a bit late to class but Aizawa said he’d understand.

“Do you need some help?” A voice said causing them to jump slightly. They looked up to see Todoroki, “Oh it’s you.” They said, shooting him a quick smile, “No thanks, I’ll be fine.” They said, cursing internally about the amount of stairs there were, “Are you sure?” He asked again and they nodded.

“Why didn’t you take the elevator?” He asked them, and they sighed, “It’s locked and Principle Nezu wouldn’t give me a key. Said that since my leg isn’t actually broken anymore, I can get down the stairs just fine.” They told him and he frowned, watching them carefully take another step, “You’ll be late to class this way.” He said and they shrugged, “Aizawa said he would understand. You should get to class though, he may be understanding of my situation but he won’t be as forgiving for you, I don’t want you getting in trouble.” They said, but he didn’t leave.

“Let me help you.” He said, they paused and looked at him, “You don’t have to do that, I’ll be fine.” They said, not wanting him to be late to class cause of them, “No, but I want to. I don’t want you being late either.” He said, coming up the steps to where they were, “Okay.” They said, giving in. Aizawa may have been understanding, but they hated being late and having the feeling of everyone staring as they walked in.

Wrapping one arm around their waist and the other behind their knees, he scooped them up and carried them down the rest of the stairs as they held their crutch in one hand while the other arm wrapped around his shoulders. He didn’t put them down once they reached the bottom, however, and instead just continued on to class, only setting them down once they were outside the classroom.

“Thank you Todoroki, but you didn’t have to carry me all the way to class.” They said as they felt their face heat up slightly, “I didn’t want you struggling if I could do something about it.” He replied before opening the door and letting them walk in first. Thanking him again, they made their way to their seat where Uraraka watched them with a grin.

“Soo what were you and Todoroki doing together?” She asked as they sat down, “He was just helping me cause I was having trouble getting down the stairs.” They said and she hummed, “He’s helping you down the stairs now, but who knows what could happen in the future.” She said, a mischievous look in her eye. She’s been spending too much time with Mina.

The bell rang before they could respond and Aizawa came in with Midnight as Y/n started drawing in their notebook. After a few minutes, chatter filled the room, “Y/n did you hear?! There’s gonna be a sports festival!” Uraraka said, excited, as Mina sat down in the empty seat in front of them, Y/n hadn’t noticed people had gotten up to work together on assignments.

“Yeah! Isn’t this amazing? This is a great chance to show off our skills!” Mina cheered as Jirou joined the conversation, “Heard from Kaminari there’s gonna be pros watching, and if we do well they might let us intern at their agencies.” She said as they all got started on their assignment, “Are you serious?” Y/n asked and she nodded, “Definitely. Can you imagine? Interning at a pro hero’s agency? Pros like Fatgum, Best Jeanist, Endeavor..” She said, and Y/n frowned upon hearing the name Endeavor.

“You don’t like Endeavor Y/n?” Mina asked, they felt eyes burning into the side of their head as they shook their head, “How come? He seems kinda cool. I mean, he is number two hero for a reason.” Uraraka said and Y/n shrugged, “I just don’t like him. He seems like he’s only a hero for the fame and power aspect of it rather than genuinely wanting to help people. I mean, have you seen the man’s eyes? He looks like he’s judging everyone he comes into contact with, not friendly at all.” They said, and the others nodded, “That’s true, he does seem pretty cold a lot of the time.” Jirou stated. The intense feeling of being watched hadn’t wavered once and Y/n looked around to try and see where it was coming from and for a brief second they made eye contact with Todoroki before he looked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come on! You got this!” Y/n cheered with the crowd as they watched the sports festival from the stands. Unfortunately, their leg still wasn’t better by the time the festival came and they couldn’t participate, but they were having a blast watching. It was Shinsou and Midoriya’s time to fight, and Y/n was rooting for Shinsou, but they couldn’t deny Midoriya was doing really well.

The crowd was silent as they watched Midoriya simply turn around and start walking towards the white line. Shinsou was gonna make him walk out of bounds. They were sitting on the edge of their seat as it happened, Y/n sitting next to Todoroki as they watched in anticipation.

“Who are you rooting for in this one?” He asked them, “Shinsou, but Midoriya is doing better than I expected.” They replied as Midoriya seemed to be pausing.

Somehow, Midoriya managed to break free of Shinsou’s brainwashing, and covered his mouth to keep from speaking. He'd figured out how Shinsou’s quirk works.

Y/n watched as they started fighting before eventually Midoriya flipped him and threw him onto his back. They jumped and gasped as their hands covered their mouth as Shinsou laid there on the ground, out of bounds. The crowd cheered as he got up and Midoriya was announced the winner, “I gotta go, I’ll be back.” They told Todoroki before quickly grabbing their crutch and getting up, moving up the stairs as fast as possible.

Eventually, they managed to find Shinsou walking down the hall with his head down, “Toshi!” They called and he stopped and turned to face them. They stopped in front of him and cupped his face with their left hand, “Are you okay?” They asked while inspecting him, worried, “Hey hey, I’m alright, just a bit bruised up. You should go sit back down, I don’t want you walking around when you don’t need to be.” He said, grabbing their hand and holding it, “I’m gonna go see recovery girl, I’ll see you later alright?” He said, kissing the back of their hand, and they nodded, “Okay.” They said, and he walked away. They watched him leave, disappearing around the corner and they made their way back to their seat.

Todoroki wasn’t there when they came back and for a moment they wondered where he had gone, until Present Mic announced his name and they saw him up against Sero, “Poor Sero.” They said. He was a pretty good fighter, but he was no match against Todoroki considering how powerful he was. The match was over about as quick as it started, with Todoroki unleashing a blast of ice so powerful it overtook half the arena. The crowd was dead silent. Even midnight was half frozen which would have made Y/n laugh if they weren’t stunned.

Once most of the ice was melted, the festival continued on and eventually it was time for Todoroki and Midoriya’s fight. Y/n hoped that he didn’t freeze half the arena again, even if it was really cool.

Midoriya kept dodging his attacks as Todoroki shot blast after blast of ice. They seemed to be arguing about something, but Y/n wasn’t sure about what exactly. Finally, Midoriya managed to land a hit that left Todoroki doubled over, and they heard him shout “It’s yours! Your quirk not his!”

That seemed to have struck a chord with Todoroki as he paused, staring at Midoriya but seeming to be lost in thought. Next thing they knew, his left side erupted into flames, the fire reaching out several feet around him. The look on his face made him look insane, but there also seemed to be a hint of gratitude from what Y/n could tell.

They heard Endeavor call his name, yelling some nonsense Y/n couldn’t care enough about to pay attention to, more focused on the flames surrounding Todoroki as pillars of ice formed on his right side. Before they knew it, there was a bright flash as debris flew through the air, a large gust of wind blowing through as dust filled the arena, preventing anyone in the stands from seeing what’s happening. Y/n gripped the arm of their seat as they shielded their face from the dust and debris, before getting hit by a piece roughly the size of their hand, and after that. Nothing.

~~~~~~~~~~

Todoroki sat in Recovery girl’s office, next to where Y/n was laying in the bed. He felt responsible for what happened to them and wanted to apologize. The sports festival had ended an hour ago, with him coming in second place. His dad had tried to approach him after, but the moment Momo had said Y/n was in the infirmary after getting hit by a piece of debris, he ignored his dad and rushed to where they were.

He felt so guilty, knowing that the debris was technically caused by him. He heard movement coming from the bed and looked up to see Y/n looking around, squinting and blinking a few times before focusing on him.

“I’m sorry." He blurted before they could say anything, “I should have been careful and paid attention. I guess I forgot about my surroundings for a moment.” He said and they gave him a small smile, “It’s okay, I know you didn’t do it intentionally.” They reassured, “You still got hurt.” He said, but they waved it off, “I’ll be fine. Might miss a few days of class, but lucky for me, any head injuries tend to heal faster.” They said.

“Is the festival over?” They asked and he nodded, “Did you win?” They asked again, “No, I came in second. Bakugou won. You should have seen him though. They had to chain him up and everything because he was angry about how he won. They even had to put a metal mask thing over his mouth because he kept screaming and cursing.” He told them, and they laughed before flinching.

“Here.” He said, standing quickly, forming a small piece of ice in his hand and wrapping it in a washcloth placed on the table next to the bed before gently holding it against the area they got hit, “Thanks.” They said, smiling at him, and he couldn’t help but give the smallest smile back.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few weeks had passed since the sports festival. Todoroki was still rather reserved, but he seemed more open with talking to Midoriya and Y/n, and along with them came talking to Iida and Uraraka.

They were all gathered at lunch, Y/n had wanted to be with Shinsou but he was out sick so they decided to spend it with Uraraka who happened to be sitting with the others. They were talking about the internships and who they might apply for when Y/n heard Endeavor being mentioned and frowned again.

“Y/n you don’t seem to like Endeavor much do you?” Midoriya asked and they shook their head, “Not really.” They said, continuing to eat their soba, “How come?” Momo asked, “He just seems...cocky? Really mean as well. Like that robbery that took place last week that he helped stop? He acted like he did all the work and the others were just there for aesthetics. I don’t know, I just really hate Endeavor and everything he has ever done.” They said, shrugging as they kept eating and Iida gasped, “How rude! You can’t speak of Todoroki’s father like that when he’s right there!” He said, gesturing to Todoroki who was sitting right across the table from them.

They choked a bit before looking at Todoroki, “He’s your dad?” They asked and he nodded, “Yeah.” He replied, and they nodded for a second, “Okay Endeavor has done one good thing.” They said and Todoroki’s face flushed a light pink, “I have two siblings.” He added, “Are they nice?” They asked and he shrugged, “Yeah I guess.” He replied, “Three good things then.” They said and Uraraka giggled as Todoroki’s face flushed a darker red.

Eventually the bell rang and they all headed back to class. For the rest of the day, Todoroki couldn’t stop thinking about what they said. They thought of him as something good? Him? He couldn’t help but feel warm and happy when they said that. Granted he’s felt like that around them for a while, but it increased tenfold when they said that.

“It’s pretty obvious Todoroki.” Midoriya said one night a month later while they were doing dishes after dinner in the new dorms. He looked at him for a second, “What’s obvious?” He asked as he dried the dish that was handed to him, “That you like Y/n. I mean, the way you look at them when they walk into the room? You look and act like they invented the stars.” Midoriya replied.

“And why are you saying this exactly?” Todoroki asked, ”You should tell them. From the looks of it, they like you too.” He replied, as he scrubbed one of the plates, “And how would I do that?” he asked again and Midoriya shrugged, “I don’t know. Maybe just tell them you like them? They don’t seem like the type to like grand gestures or anything so maybe just tell them in person before or after class?” He suggested and Todoroki nodded, “Tell them after class.” He said out loud to himself. Didn’t sound too hard, so why did he feel so nervous?

~~~~

Todoroki was making his way to class. He had slept in a bit later than he intended and now he’s only got a few minutes or so before class starts.

Rushing down the hall, he slowed down before he reached the corner so he didn’t potentially run into anyone, but as he got closer he heard talking. Was that Y/n? His heart raced just at the thought of potentially being able to tell them before class or at least just see them.

But he heard another voice as well, it sounded much deeper. Stopping at the corner and peeking around it, he felt his heart drop into his stomach.

There was Y/n, standing there and talking to a guy with wild purple hair, what was his name again? Shinsou? Yeah that was it.

Maybe they were friends? No, not with how close they were standing, and... and it looks like they’re holding hands. Maybe they were just really close friends? His mind was racing up until he witnessed a scene that left him feeling numb and his mind blank.

Shinsou leaned down and kissed them for a few seconds before pulling away and saying he had to go or he’d be late for class. Y/n went into the classroom as Shinsou walked away in the other direction. Todoroki turned and leaned against the wall.

Even though he felt numb, he could feel his heart shattering into millions of pieces as tears welled up in his eyes. Of course they were taken. How could they not be? Someone as brilliant, breathtaking, and kind as they were of course someone would snatch them up once given the chance.

Realizing class started in about a minute, Todoroki collected himself. Putting on a neutral face, he walked into class. He didn’t spare a glance at Y/n, not wanting to break down, and instead kept his head down slightly as he made his way to his desk.

‘From the looks of it, they like you too.’ Perhaps not.

~~~~~

Once classes ended, Todoroki packed his belongings and left the room immediately, not wanting to risk Y/n coming over to talk to him like they usually did. He practically ran back to the dorms in order to avoid anyone who might ask why he was acting strange.

Rushing into his room, he slammed the door shut and locked it. Dropping his bag onto the floor next to him, he leaned back against the door and slid down until he was sitting on the floor as tears streamed down his face. Choking back a sob, not wanting anyone to hear him, he buried his face in his hands. Stupid, stupid. How stupid he was to think he had a chance. He sat there for what felt like hours, but was actually about ten minutes, crying before forcing himself up off the floor and over to his bed where he sat and grabbed a pillow, burying his face in it to muffle his sobbing. How pathetic was he to be crying over someone who probably didn’t even think about him nearly as often as he thought about them?

It made sense to him now, thinking back on it. All the times they weren’t in the lunchroom, those days they couldn’t hang out with him after school because they already had plans, the way they rushed off after the fight during the sports festival. How could he not have seen it? Was he too distracted by the feeling of butterflies he got around them? That slightly dazed feeling he got whenever they smiled at him? The tingling he felt whenever they touched him? How naive he was to think they could love him when they already loved someone else, to think they could love him at all.

He wasn’t sure when he fell asleep, but he found himself waking up to someone knocking on his door. His eyes felt puffy and his face felt dry as he rubbed his eyes and sat up. Not once had he forgotten what happened. Part of him didn’t want to open the door because what if it was Y/n? At the same time, however, it could have been someone else. Looking at the time it was currently 6pm, around dinner, had he really slept for three hours?

Another knock sounded at the door, and he got out of bed. Dragging himself over to the door, he unlocked it and opened it abruptly, wanting to just figure out what the person wanted so he could go back to sleep.

Of course, of all the people it could have been, it was Y/n at his door.

“Hey dinner’s done are you- hey what’s wrong?” They asked, worried. He didn’t say anything and just stared at them blankly, “Shouto?” They questioned when he didn’t respond, but so many feelings were swirling around in him. His mind racing as he stared into those eyes he loved so much.

“Shouto-” “I love you.” He blurted and both of them froze. He slapped his hand over his mouth as he realized what he said. They stared at him with wide eyes, not saying a word.

He went to shut his door again, but they stopped him, “Wait.” They said, not letting him shut the door. He stopped, but didn’t look at them.

“Shouto please look at me.” They pleaded, and he did after a few seconds, “I love you too.” They said and he froze again, “You’re dating Shinsou.” He stated bluntly, removing his hand from his mouth, and they nodded, “Yeah, I know, and I talked to him about it this morning. I love both of you. Very much, and I can’t bear losing either of you. So I talked to him, and he said as long as you’re okay with it then I could be with you too. He said if I were to be with anyone else, he’d rather it be you anyway, he trusts you as much as I do.” They explained gently, stepping into his room cautiously before shutting the door.

He took a minute to process what they said. They love him? And want to be with him? He felt those butterflies again just thinking about it.

“Well? Would you be willing?” They asked, nervous. He looked at them for a brief second before nodding causing them to grin, “Come here.” They said, holding their arms out for a hug which he gladly fell into, pulling them as close to him as possible and hugging them tightly causing them to laugh as they peppered the side of his face with kisses.

“Can I kiss you?” He mumbled, his face buried in their shoulder, “Of course you can.” They said, and he pulled back slightly, cupping their face gently before pressing his lips to theirs. He felt his left side start to heat up and had to pull away much sooner than he would have liked to so he didn’t burn them which only made them laugh a bit before kissing his cheek.

“Come on, dinner’s been done for a while and Hitoshi always refuses to eat without me, we don’t want him getting too hungry or he gets rather dramatic.” They said and he smiled as they grabbed his hand and tugged him along out of the room.

Arriving downstairs, they both grab their food from the kitchen before joining the others. Shinsou looked over at them, “It’s about time, I thought I was gonna have to go up there and drag both of you down here.” He said with a lazy smirk, “Hush.” Y/n said, grabbing a pillow and smacking him with it before sitting down next to him, Todoroki sitting on their right. Shinsou eyed him for a second, “Did you tell him?” He asked and they smiled, “Perhaps.” They said, leaning into Todoroki’s side, “Finally.” Shinsou said, jokingly rolling his eyes causing Y/n to smack him with the pillow again.

“They’re so cute.” Mina said, watching the three of them, “Yeah...you owe me twenty bucks.” Jirou said, causing Mina to groan as Momo and Uraraka giggled.

#todoroki shouto #bnha todoroki #todoroki x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #mha todoroki #bnha #shinsou hitoshi #bnha shinso hitoshi #mha hitoshi #shinsou x reader #bnha fluff #mha fluff #mha angst

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nebula-jazz · 4 years ago

Text

Fictober prompt 28

ROTTMNT Donatello x reader

Note: Sorry I have been gone for so long! I have been wrapped up in school and I also know that this isn't my normal fandom... This is completely self indulgent because he popped on my feed on youtube and he was my first comfort character. And now I found ROTTMNT and I got hit in the face by my best friend on exactly my type... Intelligent, gremlin, cocky, and emotionally unavailable... So this is a complete callout to everyone who has the same type no matter the gender and please enjoy this drabble. And fully expect on several different fandom releases on Halloween including a oneshot for His World. But enough of my rambling! To the story!

You had been in quarantine for nearly an entire year and now your favorite month had been ruined by the hussle and the bustle of your closest aunt asking you to come to New York. Her explanation was that she was taken ill and she needed someone to look after the house and your youngest cousin April O’Neil, much to your distaste.

It was not that you hated your youngest cousin, opposite in fact you adored her, but you two never exactly saw eye to eye on most things. You two were so close up until about five or six years ago and then she changed and you felt as if for the worst. This change caused you both to drift apart.

Since she was your only friend and family member that got you; this distance caused you swirling into an unhealthy mind set. And you got caught up with the wrong people at the worst time in your life as your younger brother disappeared and your mom got distant.

Which lead you here, packing all research that you had gathered over the past few months since the shredder accident, your Bo staff, and other essential items. Taking the time to slide the delicate frames of your glasses up every few minutes. Your boss Baxter had called you a few minutes ago saying that he set you up an apartment and a plane to New York and expected you be ready for training with Rocksteady as soon as you landed. Thinking about it made you flinch.

Grabbing the metal case with your research, your duffel with clothes and toiletries, and your backpack filled with snacks your Bo and training clothes you headed down stairs. You kissed your mom on the head who was on the phone at the couch; gently leaving a large stack of cash that should last her awhile. You slipped out the front door and slid into a sleek car that Baxter had sent for you.

During the car ride you stayed silent, typing away at your computer, jotting down the breakthrew that you had made. Your specific specialty in his company was the idea of spirits and how to harness them, extract them, and even switch with them. Baxter had found out about you and what people and even yourself, at the time, believed as a silly project about four years ago. You had proven that spirits were real and that there was a possibility to do something with them.

He accelerated you through highschool and college, easily making you apart of a team and gave you everything that you needed for your research. You honestly didn’t care what he would do with it as soon as you had perfected everything in your now extensive project. All you cared about was getting your mom and brother back and he promised to keep the investigation open if you handed all research over to him as soon as you were done.

You barely slept on the plane. Fear creeping up your spine and turned your veins icey as you mulled over what was waiting for you when you landed. The training with Rocksteady was not normal. As he was a huge hog and the training was to get you faster, but it would inevitably end with a concussion and a broken bone as it normally would. Then Baxter would inject you with some green liquid that, yes would accelerate the healing process and you would no longer have any broken bones, but it would feel like your entire body was on fire and your back feeling like it was being ripped to shreds.

You eventually drifted into a fitful sleep. You felt like you had barely closed your eyes before you were woken up by the gentle but cold hand of Baxter. You were in a car now just outside of headquarters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Oh MAh Gawd! Y/N! What happened to you?!” You winced at the worried yell that came from April. You had just gotten released from the lab and your head was pounding from the lack of food and water.

“Just a little scuffle just outside the office. Don’t worry about it.” You croaked out and offered a, what you hoped to be, a reassuring smile. You tried to swallow against the sandpapery walls of your throat.

You felt her soft but calloused hands cup your face as she looked at you. You winced as she prodded at the dark bruises on your jaw and forehead. She lead you to the kitchen where she started to clean the bruises and cuts up.

After several cups of water and an entire pizza, which you had devoured, she was now questioning you.

“So you are working for Baxter?” she asked, you gave her a quizzical look as you swallowed another bite of the second pizza that she had ordered. You had heard the slight tremor of fear in her voice and now it set you on edge.

“Yeah..” You answered slowly and pulled out your laptop. “He is funding my research. Take a look.”

You pushed the computer over and let her skim through the many pages of work as you dumbed down what she was reading.

“So... what you are saying is that you could put someone in a comatose state and do whatever you wanted to them but at the same time you can still talk to them in a spiritual state?” she summarized. With a soft smile you nodded, your eyes heavy from the long two days you had.

“However there are some side effects. With the trials that I ran at home it is extremely difficult to put them back in and more often than not their mind can completely erase one or multiple people from their memory. They will always remember the time they were, what I call, Ghost. There are still kinks in it but i'm pretty sure in this state there is a possibility to redirect this targeted amnesia to get rid of trauma.” You said excitedly.

She gave you a terrified look and excused herself and ran out the front door into the dim light of the dawn. You felt like you had been punched in the gut. Tears formed in your eyes and you fought down the urge to sob and throw up your food. You slammed the computer closed and stormed into the guest bedroom. You had honestly thought that she was going to be proud of you. She seemed genuinely excited about your research. But it was April, you shouldn’t have expected anything less from her.

A few weeks drifted by lazily and October was slipping through your fingertips. April was avoiding you, especially after you caught her in the act of trying to steal your laptop. So today, as a way to get away from the dreariness of the apartment and the fearful glances of April you were in the lab. You were in a loose hoodie and had a stack of pizza boxes next to you along with a large jug of water on your other side. You had just gotten done with another training session and were now working on a new test. it had gotten dark out and Rocksteady had volunteered for the new test.

You scraped your hand roughly through your hair in frustration as the program refused to start for the third time. You huffed in frustration, and looked up in alarm as the security alarms started to go off. You heard an explosion from behind you. Reaching down and grabbing your Bo you didn’t notice the jug being knocked over causing the computer to go haywire. You panicked as you tried to shut down the computer and the large machine pointed at whatever caused the explosion.

However you were too late to stop it from going off once you were able to press the emergency shut off just in time to prevent it from happening again. You heard a shout and roars from Rocksteady. you tried to reach for your more enhanced staff but were swiftly knocked out. All you saw as the world started to darken was green and a ghostly purple figure.

~~~~~~~~

That was a couple of days ago. You were now with 6 foot tall turtle ninjas. They had explained, with the help of April, what Baxter was going to do with your research. The person that you had shot was their brother Donatello. The genus out of the group who was allowing you to use his lab as you tried desperately to keep his body stable and fix his state with what little tools you had.

Your own paranoia had shot through the roof as any fast movement caused you to flinch very heavily. You and Donnie had found out that Baxter was injecting you with mutagen after a nightmare filled night caused wings to sprout from your back.

You stayed away from the other three turtles and only finding solace with Donatello. You both could ramble on and on about different projects you both were working on and the other would listen intently.

You hadn’t noticed how comfortable or how hard you had fallen until you reached the end stages of completing the ray that would make him right.

Neither of you two had noticed that you had started to flirt with each other. But everyone else knew and were eagerly waiting for him to return to normal. They were excited to see him finally kiss you and actually take you out on that date that he had been teasing you for a month with. April was happy to see you smiling again.

You didn’t realize how much you loved him or he you until you both were going over some of your note s to make sure everything was in order.

It was the end of November, just before thanksgiving. Donnie was excitedly telling you that he had been working on a surprise for you with Shelldon. That he wanted to give it you in person. And that he was excited to finally eat something instead of just watching everyone else eat. He was also rambling on how he was totally going to spar with you.

“i'm excited to finally get an infamous hug from you Don!” You chuckled barely paying attention to the notes and more on him. He laughed and he floated closer to you.

“I’m excited to give you one Angel.” he said cheekily. You glared lightly at him and the nickname that he gave you after your wings came to be.

You however stopped in your tracks as you read the small but major detail that you had mentioned to April all those weeks ago. The air ran from your lungs as a soft. “Oh.” escaped your lips.

“What?” he asked worried. He turned to the computer that had your notes on it and read through it and his face dropped. Tears welled in your eyes and the amount of hurt that ran through you was like that day that April ran.

And something inside of you knew, even as Donnie tried to think of anyone, anyone at all that he could possible forget, you knew it was going to be you. You stared at him tears running down your face and it was then you realized how hard you had fallen. And how much you will lose.

Two days before Thanksgiving was the day that was planned to fix him. You were in a room alone with his Ghost. You couldn’t look him in the eye.

“Here,” he said softly, and gestured for Shelldon to bring a small box forward. “This is for you... don’t open it until my eyes do.. ok?” He said leaning down and trying to catch your eye. You looked up at him, willing the tears back and smiled brightly.

“Will do Don! I will see you for that hug ok?” he smiles back softly and nods. He hovers his hand over your cheek, you lean into it until you feel the cool radiating off of him and you closed your eyes.

That unspoken ‘i love you’ rang through you head as you heard the machine wurr to life. You only stare at him as he floats by his sleeping body and you pray, you hope, and you plead to whatever god is listening. To allow you to have him, to allow him to remember you. As you slowly nod your head and you hear April press the button.

~~~~~~~

You try to stifle the sobs in your throat as you hear him and his brothers enjoy their thanksgiving meal that April and you had prepared for them. He didn’t recognize you as you sobbed in happiness when you saw his eyes open. He thought of you as a threat.

You carefully pulled out the small box as Shelldon floated beside you. You looked at him and he bobbed his head in acknowledgement. Slowly opening it you tried to steady your shaking hands. Inside was a locket, a bit larger than one you would find in a jewelry store. You carefully opened the locket and you saw a picture that you had taken with ghost Donnie and the music box version of your both favorite techno song. Engraved on the other half was the french translation of I love you. A loud sob ripped its way from your throat as you clutched it to your chest.

Donnie was leaning against the wall closest to where you had ran off too. He was watching his brothers laugh and eat with their father and April. He had heard sniffling from the tunnel and quietly escaped the celebration to see where it had came from. He was surprised to see you covering your mouth and Shelldon with you. He was going to call to his creation until you had looked at Shelldon and pulled out a velvet box.

He waited a moment, watching you open it and something inside. He had to nod his head to the song that played. He did not expect the loud sob or the wail that came out of you next. He heard his brothers stop laughing and heard a soft.

“They opened it...”

“Yeah...”

“Poor Y/N... I can’t imagine.”

“Why can’t we tell him my sons?’

“Because he wouldn’t believe us.”

“Yeah! And he already distrusts Y/N... and they asked us not too.”

“A broken heart is something that can kill my children. Especially with a love that deep.”

Donnie didn’t hear anymore from his family. And confusion seeped into him. What happened while he was out?

#rottmnt #donnie x reader #rottmnt donatello x reader #donatello x reader #april o'neil #x reader #tmnt

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murasaki-murasame · 4 years ago

Text

Thoughts on Higurashi Gou Ep13

Between this and Ciconia Phase 1, I’m starting to think that Ryukishi has some kind of personal grudge against Christmas, lol.

Thoughts under the cut.

Oh boy, where do I even begin with this one, lmao.

Basically as we all expected, this is where the arc veers off from the Minagoroshi storyline and barrels headfirst into it’s own original climax, but I don’t think anyone quite expected how it actually played out.

I’ve seen some people speculating that Ooishi might be responsible for some stuff in Gou, but I don’t think anyone expected him to apparently kill nearly all of Keiichi’s friends. Which actually reminds me a lot of how Minagoroshi ended with everyone thinking that they got a happy ending and then Takano shows up to kill everyone.

And on that note, this episode makes me even more confident in my guess that Takano’s a giant red herring in Gou, and that nothing’s actually going on with her. She and Tomitake did literally nothing in this entire arc except show up to support the protests at the CWS, and it looks like the final scene of this episode takes place long enough after the festival for the season to have changed from summer to autumn, with no reference to the GHD being made. So unless everyone [including Rena] is just refusing to tell him that it happened, it’s probably safe to assume that the GHD didn’t happen at all, which seems very important, since Tatarigoroshi is basically the only part in the VN where we really see the GHD happen in person, and that arc also had the most obvious hints that Takano was evil.

I know this isn’t 100% just a remake for new fans, but I still think it’s genuinely meant to be accessible for new fans, so at this point I just don’t think there’s been enough clues surrounding Takano to really allow for her to be the main villain again.

It might just be because the arc ends with the festival happening and then everything goes to shit, but they also didn’t say anything about what happened to Takano and Tomitake during/after the festival. Which from a meta perspective makes me think it means that they survived, at the very least.

I’m kinda hesitant to say that this is even the end of the question arcs, since the next arc is also a -damashi arc, but at least with three arcs finished, this is really making me think about what patterns we can see with what happens in each arc, and what plays out differently.

At this point it’s pretty obvious that the biggest common factor is that Keiichi survives each arc after sustaining fairly heavy injuries, and after he wakes up in the hospital we see other characters tell him what happened while he was unconscious. Satoko died in a mysterious double murder in the first two arcs, but since she apparently died as part of a larger massacre in this arc, I don’t know if there’s anything to read into with that. This arc also seems to break the pattern of Takano and Tomitake disappearing, like I said, unless we just didn’t get told about that.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about it at first, but at this point it seems extremely suspicious to me that every arc has ended with Keiichi being given second-hand information about stuff that he didn’t witness because he was unconscious. And since the people who talk to him in each arc are different [Mion in Onidamashi, Ooishi in Watadamashi, and Rena in Tataridamashi], I don’t think that they’re all just lying to him every single time.

I think I mentioned this whole theory of mine last week, but seeing this pattern continue really makes me think that, especially from the perspective of ‘what information is being given to the audience that even new fans can pick up on and theorize about?’, Keiichi himself is the actual common factor in it all, and I think everything makes a lot more sense if you assume that he was responsible for at least some of these mysterious murders.

This arc really heavily leaned into making Satoko suspicious, including how her big character moments from Minagoroshi apparently happened off-screen this time around, but after how this episode played out I’m more inclined to think that she’s a red herring. There’s also the fact that the whole Teppei scene was even more obviously a hallucination than the fight scene with Rena. It even looked like there were two entirely different types of blood splatter being shown on-screen, with one being the super intense, paint-like blood covering the entire wall like we saw in the Rena fight scene, and the more subdued and realistic-looking blood splatter that seems to happen over the top of the other one.

So what I think might have happened, is that maybe Satoko was innocent the entire time, and she really did just have her whole Minagoroshi moment off-screen, and nothing weird or different happened there. Then, at the festival, she really did want to thank Keiichi for helping her, and genuinely wanted to give him a gift, but then things go to hell in a very Onikakushi-style way, because Satoko had rigged a trap in her house to dump some random objects on Keiichi’s head when he pulled the light switch. Keiichi got hit in the head with some random heavy object, and then when he turns around he sees Satoko holding a baseball bat. Which is actually just Satoshi’s bat, which she genuinely just wants to give to Keiichi as a gift because it was a memento of Satoshi’s, but he immediately assumes that she hit him with it and that it was all a set-up to murder him, and he basically goes L5 and completely loses his shit. Teppei’s entire presence there was almost certainly a hallucination, so it might have just been his way of trying to rationalize the apparent image of Satoko attacking him with a baseball bat, and his way of justifying attacking her, by acting like it was Teppei instead.

I at least think it’s important that we see Satoko talk about how she wants to give Keiichi a gift that used to belong to Satoshi, which is obviously meant to be his baseball bat. So the idea of her bringing it into the room with her, and Keiichi seeing it and assuming the worst, seems pretty plausible.

After that, I think what happened is that Keiichi then basically took the bat and went back to the festival and went on a rampage. I think the whole Ooishi thing is a red herring, and that Rena’s account of the situation was deliberately misleading to make us think that it was him who killed everyone, but in reality him pulling out his gun might have been unrelated. So maybe it was Keiichi who killed Shion, Mion, and Rika instead, and Ooishi pulled out his gun in self-defense.

There’s also the fact that if we assume the whole Teppei thing was a hallucination, then Keiichi probably didn’t actually sustain that many injuries in the first place, but several weeks later after he wakes up in the hospital he apparently has severe headaches, and bandages around his head. Which makes me think that instead of getting lots of beats to the head from Teppei, what actually happened was that Ooishi shot Keiichi in the head to stop his rampage, and Keiichi just miraculously survived, but with memory loss and headaches from the gunshot wound.

I can at least buy the idea that Rena might have intentionally avoided talking about Keiichi’s role in it in order to avoid hurting him, but I get the feeling that even if it played out that way, she might have straight up forced herself to forget it in order to cope.

I’m not entirely sure what motive Keiichi would have to go back to the festival and attack his friends after killing Satoko, but I also don’t know what motive Ooishi would have had to kill them either, lol. For both of them you basically just have to go ‘they probably went crazy and started killing people’. But there’s at least a lot more support for the idea of Keiichi being the one to go crazy like that.

I might have mentioned this last week, but I also kinda think that Keiichi’s secretly a lot more paranoid about what’s going on than he’s been letting on. We haven’t really seen any of his actual thoughts in Gou yet, and he’s probably trying to avoid thinking about a lot of this, but I think in each arc there’s been paranoia brewing under the surface that ends up exploding in one big display of violence that we don’t get to see, and which Keiichi doesn’t fully remember.

In Onidamashi, I think when Rena attacked him it made him assume that all of his fears about her were correct, and also that Rika was probably trying to get him murdered by telling him to trust her.

Then in Watadamashi, I think he might have snapped at the festival and killed Takano and Tomitake because of his paranoia about being strung along into breaking into the Saiguden and hearing about Hinamizawa’s history, and I think the whole Rika-acting-like-Bern scene made him think that she’d caught onto what he did and was going to arrange to get him murdered as punishment.

And now in Tataridamashi, I think that after witnessing first hand just how much influence the village has, seeing that [probably fake] hallucination of Teppei lead him down the path of assuming that it must mean that the entire thing was a giant ruse by the village elders, the government, and the police. Which might be specifically why Shion, Mion, and Rika got killed. I think Satoko was just him thinking he was attacking Teppei, but I think he might have killed those three because they’re part of the three big families, so he might have assumed that they were ‘in on it’ from the start. Which would also explain why Rena was left apparently unharmed, since she has nothing to do with them. It’s also worth noting that in Tataridamashi his only interactions with Takano and Tomitake just involve them showing up to support the CWS protests, but in Watadamashi we saw pretty clearly how freaked out he got from the whole Saiguden incident because of what they did. I’m also still suspicious of how in Onidamashi he goes to talk to them at the festival but then randomly decides not to.

Funnily enough this would also give a good reason for how Gou seems to be avoiding having Keiichi succumb to paranoia, and it’d also give a good justification for how unlike in the VN we don’t get any of his internal narration or anything to understand what he’s thinking. On the one hand it’s just a limitation of the medium, but I could see Ryukishi using it as a way to deceive us by having Keiichi be going through paranoia in a way that’s mostly internal and kept secret from the audience, instead of it being something that we’re shown every moment of like in the VN.

But I think it’s also important that we do still get glimpses of his paranoia in each arc. He gets genuinely scared of Rena in Onidamashi and was on the brink of not opening the door for her even with Rika’s advice. He freaks out in the Saiguden in Watadamashi even more than he does in the VN, and then gets paranoid about hearing Shion and Ooishi question him about what he did at the festival, and then when Rika vents at him he looks seriously freaked out by her. This arc’s more subtle about it, but there’s been a few moments where he seems to be weirded out by Rika’s entire attitude where she keeps talking about fate, and I think at the festival he was probably paranoid about what might happen for similar reasons to everyone watching the scene unfold.

I might be totally wrong about all of this, but it’d be really neat if Gou has actually been exploiting certain elements of the anime format, and the things we take for granted about it, to deceive us about the mystery in each arc.

Of course, the big question with this whole theory is that, well . . . what’s the endgame of it all? If the answer to each arc is just ‘Keiichi keeps succumbing to paranoia and killing people in ways that Rika doesn’t predict’, then what’s going on in the background? Who’s the mastermind? What does Rika need to do to win this game and achieve a happy ending?

It might be an underwhelming answer for most people if this is how they play it, but I think that the big reveal in Gou might just be that there ISN’T anything going on in the background. At least not in the sense of ‘there’s literally a government conspiracy surrounding a supernatural virus that people want to use as a biological weapon’. I think this might just be a version of Higurashi where it really does just all boil down to paranoia-induced murder. And part of the whole meta-mystery might just be that we’re all trying to look for ‘the actual answer’ while glossing over what’s going on right in front of our eyes with Keiichi in each arc. So the route to a happy ending might mostly just involve Rika figuring this out and realizing that Keiichi has his own issues that need to be addressed before his pent-up paranoia explodes and gets people killed. She should at least know that he’s capable of killing people like in Onikakushi, but at the very least in Gou it feels like she’s just been focusing on everyone else and assuming that everything’s fine and good with him.

I think this would also make it a lot easier for them to actually wrap up Gou’s whole story with just 11 more episodes if we don’t get a second season, since it’d mean that there isn’t a whole extra layer to the story that we need to spend time on.

Anyway this is just a very elaborate way of me saying that Keiichi is super sus, lol.

All that aside, we also found out at the end that the next arc will be called Nekodamashi, which is interesting. It might be a coincidence, but it sounds like it might be based on the Nekogoroshi OVA episode from the original anime. I haven’t seen that, but I’ve heard that it mainly exists just to foreshadow the Yamainu’s existence. Which is interesting since at this point I’m like 99% convinced that they don’t actually exist in Gou, and that it’s just been Keiichi getting paranoid about random construction workers doing normal stuff.

Either way I think it might focus on Rika’s perspective on things, and show how she begins trying to figure out what exactly is going on this time around, and what she needs to go to solve it all. The name of the arc at least sounds like it’s about how Rika, aka the cat, is getting deceived about the mystery of Gou.

It also sounds like we’re getting new OP and ED themes for the second half, along with the leaked subtitle change, so that’s cool. It also implies that Featherine and teenage Satoko in this OP really were just setting up for future plot points and didn’t necessarily imply that they’d show up in the first half.

The fact that they show up in the OP is one reason why I think there’s probably still SOME kind of bigger picture mystery going on beyond just Keiichi killing people sometimes, but I think it’ll at least just replace all the stuff with Takano and the Yamainu.

I still think Featherine’s the one making this whole gameboard in the first place, but I’m not sure about teenage Satoko, especially after this episode made me more inclined to think that Satoko isn’t some kind of evil mastermind or anything this time around.

There’s also the whole deal with the sword, and I still have absolutely no idea how THAT might pan out, but I don’t think anyone does, lol.

Also, I’m still hoping that they make time before this ends to go into Shion’s whole backstory arc from Meakashi, since it’d suck if that got cut out, but we’ll see how it goes.

#murasaki rambles #higurashi #higurashi gou

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spookyboywhump · 4 years ago

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do we have a cain backstory🥺👉👈because i cannot get enough of the sad pinboard and need more about his father

*rubs hands together*

Cain’s backstory is a little bit scattered through other pieces so I think I’ll take this chance to give a more clear run down all in one place. This Piece and This Piece include events of his past but below the cut is everything laid out a bit more cleanly, plus some details I haven’t found places for yet. Apologies in advance but this got kind of long

CW for unhealthy relationships, parental loss and a terrible father

Cain was his father’s only child and he was kind of. Only born to eventually take over the “family business”. (Not important but Cain grew up really wishing he had a sibling but as an adult he’s kind of thankful he was the only victim of his father’s parenting)

His parents’ marriage wasn’t exactly loving or healthy and his mom hadn’t wanted kids because she didn’t want to end up trapped with her husband. This changed pretty much the second Cain was actually born and she absolutely adored him, she wanted to give him the best childhood she could despite how strict his father was. She was definitely a little bit of an overbearing mother, but Cain only has fond memories of her

He was homeschooled and very much so isolated from other people when he was young, to the point that he didn’t actually like getting the chance to be around people his age because he just. Didn’t know how to act around them. He was a very skittish and shy little kid, and he very much so liked books over people, not to mention they were a big form of escapism for him and he spent most of his free time reading

He would’ve been around nine or ten when his mother decided enough was enough and she wanted to leave and take Cain with her. It was a lot more about protecting Cain, she wanted to get him away from his father before he was old enough to find out about all of the pet business and simply put, his father didn’t like that. He gave her the option to leave without Cain and stay out of his life, but she refused and her insistence on taking Cain is what cost her her life

Cain wasn’t told that she died, not at first. His father told him that she just left, that she abandoned him, and really played up the idea that she simply didn’t care about him, which was very, very hard on him and caused a lot of issues for him

Once Cain was old enough to start middle school, instead of homeschool his father had him sent off to a boarding school, mostly just so he wouldn’t have to deal with him most of the year. He actually really, really liked being at school, even though he was terrified and he hated being around so many people, he thought it was a lot better than being at home. His first few years there were actually great, it doesn’t show now but Cain is really intelligent when he actually tries, and at first, he really did try

Most of his worst memories take place during school breaks, he doesn’t remember any breaks that passed uneventfully, but specifically the summer break after he turned fourteen was when things got a lot worse. That was when his father decided to explain the whole pet business to him, and explain what his place in it would eventually be, and he really emphasized that this was Cain’s only point for existing. Naturally he was horrified by all this, which didn’t go over well, and that would’ve been his first attempt to run away from home, which also didn’t go well. At that point he was young, and scared, and he wanted to do something about this but his father kind of drilled it into him that no one would even believe him, and eventually he gave up and knew he just had to kind of accept it

After that he really just. Stopped caring. He gave up trying at school, in fact he made several failed attempts to try and escape said school, though he got caught every time. He eventually grew kind of numb to the whole pet thing and he just accepted that he had no control over his own life and there was no use in fighting it

When he was seventeen he finally found out what happened to his mother, completely by accident. Needless to say, he was very upset, his father was very dismissive about his feelings over the whole thing, and he made the mistake of swearing he’d take off as soon as he graduated highschool, which is probably the biggest reason he was forced to wear a shock collar for a year

By the time he was twenty, when he got Zander, he had gotten used to, well, everything, because he didn’t have any other choice. He was used to the whole pet thing, he was used to working with his father, and he’d accepted that this was basically all his life ever would be. His father helped him deal with Zander at first, and unfortunately, he was really encouraging of punishments, pretty much the only time he seemed to encourage Cain or be satisfied with something he did was when he’d successfully tormented Zander, which is unfortunate as it drove him to be more and more brutal

His father died when Cain was twenty one. It was completely unexpected, despite some people believing Cain killed him for personal gains (and Zander fully believing that his father would’ve had it coming if Cain had decided to do that). Cain got a lot worse in the years following that, leading us to the bastard we all know today

That’s about it for backstory but here’s a couple more sad Cain details

Even after he found out the truth about his mom, the abandonment issues were still very much so present. It’s been kind of mentioned or hinted at in a few things but despite the fact they’ve been close friends for thirteen years, Vanessa isn’t a good friend to him. He doesn’t know how to make real friends so Vanessa is the closest he has, and despite the fact she’s very judgemental and honestly kind of mean to him, he can’t bear the idea of losing that friendship. Along with this, he developed a very strong attachment to Zander, simply because he couldn’t leave him, and he has genuine separation anxiety over being apart from him and not knowing where he is.

Cain just. He hasn’t been happy since he was a little kid, and even then that’s only the parts of his childhood he spent with his mother. He hasn’t been happy since she “left”, he grew up miserable and lonely, he gave up any hopes and dreams he might’ve had and accepted the place assigned to him. Zander didn’t necessarily make him happy, but he was attached to him, and he became his favorite outlet for all of his pent up emotions that always came out as anger. Honestly, being with Nicholas was the first time in a long time that he felt happy and loved and well, you can see how that turned out. If Cain happens to make it out of all this, he’s going to have to finally face the fact that he really doesn’t have anybody.

#WOW this got long I’m sorry #I REALLY love rambling about oc’s backstories #timeline #cw unhealthy relationships #cw parental loss #oc stuff #Cain

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autoirishlitdiscourses · 3 years ago

Text

Discourse of Sunday, 29 August 2021

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I had your paper and I enjoyed having you in lecture but didn't address the question so that you do will depend on what it means: are you using a number of good plays: thanks to! Sunk himself by taking the absolute minimum standards for a job well done, both of you is so strong that it is. It is also quite short and contains some hesitations that deserve a bit like they've been represented by men in literary texts such as background information. The Stolen Child second half of the poem. Let me know what works for you to demonstrate what a very very close and, say, an A-is if you have any more questions, and religion, and your material very effectively. You have a 91. If you have been pushed even further, though, overall. Whatever is appropriate for quick questions, OK? —You've got some good ideas in there what I'm really saying here is going to be as specific and nuanced readings by a bus or abducted by aliens over the last sentence of the total grade for the bus, walking between classes, you in lecture, and your presence in front of the class warmed up and see what he thought just so that we have seen here would have been to be more specific, particular idea is that you can make absolutely sure that I'll be looking through the Disabled Students Program. Again, thank you for a late paper/must be killed except as a whole. Have a good idea to skim the first line of thought, that what I'll expect is that you realized that each of you this quarter you've worked hard and it's documented on the syllabus for Thursday, December 10 30% of course, it allows you to achieve goals that you realized that your choice of texts to think about it in the front of the guinea actually fluctuated a fair amount of what they'd discussed, then we'll figure out what you most need to let you know how you're going, including absolutely everything except the final that gets deep into the discussion go on! Let me know, and any other race I think that there are some ways in the back of your analysis more specifically what the implications that this would have to do this would not be everything that I've pointed to some punctuation and formatting issues—none genuinely hurt you a photocopy from it, in this case. You must also provide me with a very good ideas.

Romance has or has not removed the price tag from his hat. I'm glad your schedule to drop a photocopy of the text and helping them to pick up more points than you already have a copy of Ulysses that's sitting in a productive exercise I myself am less than thrilled about with this paper would have been pushed even further, and you exhibit a very good job here. If you are performing—for instance, if you'd like them to larger-scale concerns with other representations of very good work here in a way of thinking even more care than you to make progress toward graduation that satisfies the include an audio/visual text of some parts of the novel's characters are, and nearly three-syllable metrical foot, accented-unaccented-unaccented-unaccented-unaccented-unaccented-unaccented.

Hi! Truthfully, I feel that it wasn't assigned in class that you are thinking about how you'll effectively fill time and perhaps other poems, as well. There are not by any means the only or best way to think if there was anything else around, it's impossible to do anything differently on your life, you had an excellent job. I'll have your grade should be substantiating some aspect of love, but I'll say a selection from McCabe in your thesis to say, Italian Futurism Giacomo Balla, for instance, if you have a good student this quarter, though they'll probably require a fair amount of detail. I think it will boost your attendance/participation grade that was helpful rather than a path that you'd have to speak with me in an in-section responses, OK? I think making a clear argument that is also a thinking process, but may not know yourself yet, I don't know that I built in the assignment handout. I'll see you next quarter we have tentatively arranged to work with, and they will benefit from an assigned course text is fine with me in a Darwinian sense? But you've been very close to their hearts, you have disclosed any part at all you receive a failing grade policy. Be excellent. I'll see you in section Wednesday night with details about the negative sides of nationalism, exactly, surely there are places where attention to how other people have done some very, very good job with it—it was written too close to convenient and painless as possible, OK? That is to write a draft, letting it sit for two or three people together may perform a recitation/discussion segment. For one thing that will be given away on a Leash has been trying hard with limited success to motivate to talk about, but made up for them to move up, then feel free to let you know what's going to be worth emphasizing that your first question, for instance, you must email me a handout or other information, at 7 am for session A but could make it difficult for you if you have a fully developed idea yet, and that neither one has stolen them, and your reading for class must represent your thoughts might be hidden in the symbolism of motherhood, those who. Here are some real contributions in a donut shop is less reliable than a merely solid job, but also the only student who missed the midterm to avoid specificity, and that missing more than happy to discuss Francie's stream of consciousness is potentially very productive move, given Ulysses, is a good weekend! Could you email a description of your discussion. 1% of the contracting party, based entirely upon attendance I won't be assessed until after the meeting you'd have to leave it. Thank you so much for being so long as to avoid hesitation, backing up your final grade for the quarter, and I'm happy to send it along. I said verbally, any your grade I'd just like to see models, there is also a traditional vampire repellent and, Godot TBD, McCabe TBD, please let me know by Friday afternoon for posting on the final exam; b they showed a substantial number of things that would mean that you can bring your copy of your new score for the Self. Was that helpful? You have a good thumbnail background sketch of your own section, and this question lies at the context of your argument and graceful, nuanced close readings and comments into the perspective of a combination that would be a hard time distancing themselves from their topics and themes, looking closely at whether every word, every B paper turned in on the assignment requirements next week: Patrick Kavanagh, I think that there are many other possibilities, and you're certainly on track throughout your paper topic is a mark of professionalism that I think that the rather thin time slice that Joyce gives us of their material. Think about the play with which you dealt. Hi! Hi! My suggestion, then waited four days.

One recall. At the root of these are impressive moves. What is his point is a bit more slowly would have helped to have particular specific takes on all of Godot is already an impressive move, which is entitled to demand from the syllabus, but I think that Easter 1916 is a bit due to strep throat, so it is, I think that's a good student this quarter. If you can get the group develop its own interests while staying on task. IV: lyrics and discussion and question provoked close readings would help to motivate you to get to people that I really did enjoy your long weekend. The cost of a paper that pays off as abrasive, which is entitled Odysseus or Myth and Enlightenment. I know that I think, is the instructor of record for classes that I think that you should rightfully be proud of it. You picked a good weekend, and the way that mothers and motherhood are used as standalone software although it's never bad to have a strong understanding of the poem to music. Don't forget to mention that you are nervous or feel that there is going to be ready to write questions on the rest of your passage, but I think. Lesson Plan for Week 7:00. Absolutely. See Wikipedia's article on the Mad Hatter's hat in Lewis Carroll's Alice in Wonderland. Batteries die, power cords fray, hard drives crash, printers break or run out of it to be as effective as it could, theoretically informed paper, and more specifically, to be on the section website and see whether I was happier then. I won't post them tomorrow night!

Anyway. This was not acceptable, that there are two common practices that students have jobs and sports and family emergencies and about nine billion other things, that I could give you the opportunity to recite, the discrepancy, the average score would be after lecture tomorrow and offline for several reasons, including the fact that you will have failed to satisfy breadth requirements, major requirements, and that not doing so. Distribution of paper handout. —You have a good impression and pick up his midterm; talked exactly twice in section. The Plough and the larger-scale questions may also, if you're leaving town. One of the Heaney poems that will occasionally have reminders, announcements, and Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake, all of the room, were engaged, thoughtful performance that you'd have to be helpful. I think you've prepared more material than was required by the Easter Rising, the notes my students: You changed before to as in just a little bit and will have an excellent sense of harmony and rhythm.

I suspect that this would be to find sources that disagree with it. Both of these are worth cleaning up, I've attached a copy of the group to read, and if you have unusual, stressful, or any sheet music during a week when we're discussing the selection you made to the texts as a bridge to a lot of things well. That's very good work. Don't just pick the shortest acceptable one, I really will take as many students who can tell you where he is the day: Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-control, etc.

I'm proctoring a make-up of the analysis that supports your larger-scale questions may also benefit from and to engage other students and integrated their interests and observations Again, very well here. That's a good way to make sure that I may find that action of little importance Though never indifferent. This is not necessarily the order I will take up some important things to do this well enough to juxtapose particular texts side by side? Hi! On another hand, and nicely grounded in a very good plan here. Thank you. The Butcher Boy can best be read in ways other than that would be grateful if you fall back on it before, and you do, in part just because you're bright and articulate and the to smell of perfume; changed off he went; dropped as a member of her religion finds that to happen differently for this, but that you attribute to them; this means that you have a clear logico-narrative path through your questions touches on things that people run up against was that I try to recall what information there is a deep connection to the perception of absurdity this is. I hope it's helpful to build up the section develop its own logic. The study of 'Ulysses' is, in all, Chris! This is not unusual in the argumentative baggage associated with love, for your material effectively and in a nuanced understanding of the landscape itself, just sending me an email saying Welp, guess I'll have one of these announcements. Section. A perhaps complexifying point: every picture I've seen any of the analysis fits into the poem, and this paid off for you than for recall and some gaps for recall, and only on genuinely tiny errors, which sounds like a natural end or otherwise just want the experience to develop. Professor Waid, who told your aunt in Ohio, who is the amount of what you're saying and look at it with the rest of your head as you write, but they're also specific; #4 is also constantly thinking in his collection Illuminations. I'll try hard to get back to you on Thursday. Again, thank you for a more accurate translation of the texts you've chosen as a result of from as a serial killer. You might look specifically at Bottle and Fishes; Clarinet and Bottle of Rum on a first and foremost, I haven't been able to find. But it's entirely normal when you see the text than an omnivore would? In particular, there are some alternate scenarios that assume less-than-required selection and changed grade to demonstrate what a bright student you are welcome to leave campus by four today. Nicely done this week Yeats is almost no work for you so much thought and writing a draft of a woman's affections and body by developing a more rigorous, incisive analysis on other assignments. Responses below. Crashing? I'm trying to eat up time that you needed to happen differently in this way.

Even without the genuinely astounding bonus, this is that you turn in a way that shows you paid close attention to the aspects of some parts of the midterm, based on my shelf at home, if you really do have some interesting comments about the actual facts behind some of the two elements plough, stars and then think about their relationship, but you still have to ask what your overall grade is. If the other Godot groups for several reasons, too, and an estimate based on The Plough and the way in this particular offer for several hours tonight. McCabe yet if they're cuing off of the texts as a whole is 26 lines. Anyone at all. Either way is OK with me or with the poem. You changed where to go this coming Sunday night, and that you tell me when large numbers of fingers to let me know. —You've got some breathing room too, that you should do whatever is most called for, and I will make life easier if you have any more information is needed than you were on track throughout your time off.

I mean: you had a good job, and safe travels if you're planning on using equipment. It's perfectly OK to ask people to discuss you may be that your own thought, then built on it, but certainly not beyond you, then a single goal. If neither of those three things, you will have the room. If you have rocked the cradle of genius. Remember that the Irish status to people that I have open chairs in both sections in terms of which is rather tricky to do Yeats next week. One thing that might ultimately constitute a larger scale, but I think that paying more attention to at least one email from n asking whether she can take you. Where I feel that your own purpose. As it stands, I think that you may ameliorate the conditions producing your anxiety. This is not to claim that Yeats didn't have the gaze. Let me know immediately. Hi, Megan! As it is probably difficult to read. One of the text, and so I suppose, is 50, some people did it because he'd been focusing on other classes and do a perfect job, which had been properly formatted for instance, it could be.

Discussion notes for week 5. Section; c you can be found on the section as a group is one of the poem I've heard, and I think, and you really want to make any changes made I have only three students raised their hand; one is simply a straight numerical calculation that was strong in several ideas for other ways that you could benefit from hearing your thoughts are sophisticated and clear. I think that one or more implicit assertions to support it. For instance, you really do have several options: 1. Some students improved their score between 105 and 118 on the section. Thanks for your recitation needs to be without feedback at the last minute and two-minute lecture on Thursday, and Bates Motel thank you for doing such a good thumbnail background to the course website, and deployed secondary sources. You are absolutely welcome to propose this, and then asking them questions about what kinds of background, and it would have needed to be my student, has interesting and important topics to discuss and/or how to discuss and haven't quite punched through to being perceptive. You might look specifically at Bottle and Fishes; Clarinet and Bottle of Rum on a Leash has been known to bill clients in guineas to this and settled on this will just not show, take the discussion component of your weekend so that they should not be clear on parts of your political poster; and added and before I leave town. —This will not be tolerated. Looks good.

Of course! 277 in the narrative from which stakes for vampires should be watching that show off for you. B papers take risks and do a genuinely collaborative, rather than a merely solid job here, I do before I get for going short, but really, your writing, despite the few comparatively minor textual grammatical, formatting issues that you've put a printed copy of your education, and the Stars How would you prefer to do well. Currently, you don't already use Twitter, you have any other race I think that one way to do at this question would help you make meaningful contributions to discussion problem if it is 4. Those who are reciting that week; it sounds, because asking people where they could stand? You've done a lot of similarities to yours, though I felt that it should be set next to each other. I offer you to work harder for the recitation, you should rightfully be proud of the texts that you're actually talking about a the specific language of your thoughts might be a TA or instructor of record. Attendance. I told him to use Downton Abbey, too, that examining your own narrative dominate your analysis what is it necessarily mean that I didn't foresee at the structural schema given to friends: Carlo Linati; Stuart Gilbert J. In addition to doing it is unwise to email me a right of way. This is a bit more guidance while also bringing them back to you. Aside from the class, with absolutely everything calculated except for the last sentence of the next thing what does it really mean it when I saw you come out and with your ideas develop naturally out of town this weekend has just been crazy and I'm certainly happy to proctor it if you miss more than three sections, you did a very thoughtful comments about some kind of interesting. Then re-instantiate an argument from going for, though, you've done a very small but very well be questions that you made constant insightful, meaningful contributions to the poem. Right now, though I think that the overarching goal is to say that making an audible tone. I'm trying to finish off Arrested Development and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. November: Pearse's The Mother, recited in lecture yesterday: Laurel & Hardy's/The Music Box/1932: There will be 500 total points for section in a grading daze and haven't impacted your grade is unfair. You Are Old. Students who are having difficulties with the professor wants is a strongly religious woman whose son is not too late to pick out the issues.

And what kind of viewer? Let me know what you wanted to discuss with the but this is a pretty good at picking up cues that tell me when large numbers of fingers to let me know if you want to discuss your paper are yours and which lines you're reciting. I think that it is that you look at the end of your discussion tonight. Thank you again for doing such a good plan here. Again, thank you for the quarter as I said, looking at the end of the criteria that I'll be in my office hours are 3:50 or so.

I'll get you one in front of the room. I think that finding ways to proceed with your paper is worth. Before I forget to bring in other places, and have a section you have elements of the course Twitter stream for the conversation without badgering or threats or even if you feel good about yourself although, in the paper has frequent, severe grammatical/mechanical problems can receive, regardless of the text, you provided a good paper. I expected, and a bit too much on track for an excellent Thanksgiving and that you've got a potentially productive ways to answer this question, but I'm pretty sure that every phrase, and that, counting absolutely everything calculated except for the quarter, so I realize that right now your primary insights are and what these differences might mean by passionate, and, say, and went above and beyond the length requirements. I feel that you want your argument will be reciting as soon as I can post a slightly modified version of your grade on that without also pulling in the manner of A-is entirely possible if you have any questions, though this overlaps at least represents itself as a result of curving grades, discussed in a 1:30 to discuss the readings in a lot of payoff for your third source nor, for instance, if that doesn't mean that you'd thought about the Irish identity are instantiated in the middle—91.

#Irish literature #automatically generated text #Patrick Mooney #Python #Markov chains

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terramythos · 4 years ago

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TerraMythos 2021 Reading Challenge - Book 3 of 26

Title: Acceptance (The Southern Reach #3) (2014) - REREAD

Author: Jeff VanderMeer

Genre/Tags: Horror, Science Fiction, Ecological Horror, Cosmic Horror, Weird, First-Person, Second-Person, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator, Female Protagonists, LGBT Protagonist

Rating: 10/10

Date Began: 1/11/2021

Date Finished: 1/20/2021

Area X, a self-aware wilderness along the coast, has existed for decades behind a mysterious border. The landscape itself annihilates humans and repurposes them for its own ends. Hundreds of people have died attempting to uncover its secrets. But no one has yet discovered its origins or true purpose.

Now, Area X has spread past its former borders, perhaps to the entire world. Acceptance follows several key figures through the history of Area X, and their attempts to fight against an impossible threat.

You feel numb and you feel broken, but there’s a strange relief mixed in with the regret: to come such a long way, to come to a halt here, without knowing how it will turn out, and yet... to rest. To come to rest. Finally. All your plans back at the Southern Reach, the agonizing and constant fear of failure or worse, the price of that... all of it leaking out into the sand beside you in gritty red pearls.

Full review, major spoilers, and content warning(s) under the cut.

Content warnings for the book: Extreme body horror, altered states of mind, and psychological manipulation, including hypnosis. Several characters lose their sanity, and you see it happen in real time from their perspective. Intentional self-harm/mutilation as a plot point. Some violence and gore. There are brief references to animal abuse and terminal cancer. Not many happy endings in this one.

This review contains major series spoilers. It’s also super long, as the book covers a lot of material.

Acceptance is the most narratively ambitious book in the Southern Reach trilogy. While Annihilation and Authority feature a single protagonist/perspective, this one has four rotating POVs and one guest narrator partway through the book. It also covers a broader timeline than previous entries, from the origins of Area X 30-ish years ago to the ongoing present-day apocalypse. Acceptance is one of the few books I've read that utilizes first-, second-, AND third-person narration in a single volume, adopting whichever one makes the most sense for the character and their situation

While this sounds complicated, it's basically just a way to tell four different stories at the same time. VanderMeer also uses each storyline to address the major questions of the series. How did Area X come to be? What happened to the biologist? What was the former director of the Southern Reach trying to accomplish? And perhaps most pressing-- what is the fate of the world now that Area X has spread? Not everything is resolved, but it's definitely a conclusion.

The stories have some unifying connections, containing similar themes and callbacks/references to each other. However, for the purposes of this review I will be looking at each story and protagonist individually.

First up is Saul Evans the lighthouse keeper. He's been mentioned before, but never in much detail. Going in, we know a few things-- (1) he knew the director/Cynthia when she was a child and (2) something happened to him that turned him into the Crawler, the eldritch creature which writes the sermon on the walls of the tower in Area X. In Acceptance, we learn he's a former preacher who had a crisis of faith and left his old life, taking up the role of lighthouse keeper on the forgotten coast. It's implied this is partially due to him realizing he's gay and fleeing the resulting homophobic fallout. His past vocation explains the elevated, sermonic language of the words in the tower.

From the onset Saul is an intensely likeable character. He's trying to build a happier and more genuine life for himself. This part probably takes place during the 70s or 80s, but he's cautiously optimistic about his new life with a local fisherman named Charlie. He also forms an unlikely friendship with Gloria (aka Cynthia), a local kid who loves exploring the coast. However, he is tormented by the "Séance and Science Brigade", a shady organization that investigates/worships(?) paranormal phenomena. They sabotage the lighthouse beacon, which we learned in Authority is a marvelous piece of technology with a mysterious history. Shortly after, Saul accidentally absorbs a fragment of the beacon into himself, and shit goes downhill real fast.

While the catalyst of Area X may seem a little weird, the reader can piece together that part of the beacon has extraterrestrial origins, and Saul unintentionally activates part of it. The gradual shift from a normal life to something deeply unsettling has its appeal. I especially like seeing his logs/journal entries and how they devolve as proto-Area X overtakes his mind. The disturbing bar scene near the end is great as well. We know going in that this story has a bad ending (from a human perspective), but learning specifics about Saul as a person gives this more impact. Saul's is a sad tale of a man who wants to make a better life for himself and gets screwed over by bad luck.

Cynthia/Gloria/the former director is the next perspective character. In Annihilation she serves as the antagonist, but in Authority we learn it isn't that simple. She had ulterior motives, handpicking the biologist for the expedition in order to use her as a weapon against Area X. And, of course, we learn she was the little girl in that old picture of Saul, which means she probably grew up there before the border came down.

This part opens with Cynthia/Gloria's death as "the psychologist" in Annihilation, but told from her perspective. From there, the pacing is a little slow, in similar style to Authority. We learn how Cynthia lived her daily life, how she infiltrated the Southern Reach, and her interpersonal relationships with Grace, Whitby, and Lowry. However, her storyline ramps up when detailing Area X and the lead up to twelfth expedition. Lots of old scenes/dynamics from Annihilation hit different with the new context. Especially interesting is the interview between Cynthia and the biologist; turns out there was a lot more context that the biologist obscured in her story. On some level we already knew she was an unreliable narrator, but it's fun to have it pop up again in a different book entirely.

I admire how VanderMeer makes someone who comes off as a throwaway villain into the one of the most complex, important characters in the series. This part is also really cool as it's written in second-person perspective, and the story justification for this (Area X examining her memories) is neat. While I like Cynthia's characterization in this part, the additional bits in Saul's story and his interactions with Gloria add helpful context and emotional impact. The end of the book being her letter to Saul is so damn sad.

The third main storyline follows Control and Ghost Bird in the "current" timeline-- exploring Area X in the immediate fallout of Authority. I love this part for several reasons. The contrast between the two leads and how they perceive themselves, Area X, and the current situation is great. Control is very much losing control, feeling "the brightness" taking over (a callback to Annihilation). Meanwhile, Ghost Bird is in her element, seeing and experiencing things the regular human characters do not. There's the sense that she's truly something "new" in terms of both humanity and Area X.

We also learn a ton of stuff about Area X that is hinted in earlier volumes but confirmed in Acceptance. (MAJOR SPOILERS) The first is that Area X isn't on Earth at all; something briefly hinted at in Annihilation, when the biologist doesn't recognize the stars in the sky. Instead it mimics Earth, or something representative of it. The second big thing is that time works differently here. The uncanny state of decay noted in earlier books isn't actually a direct result of Area X. It's just the passage of time, because way more time passes in Area X compared to the "real" world.

The guest narrator/story is told within the Control/Ghost Bird storyline. The two meet up with Grace, who has managed to survive the Area X attack on the Southern Reach. She took shelter on the mysterious northern island and discovered an old journal written by... the biologist from Annihilation, which details what happened to her over the last THIRTY YEARS (yeah, the time thing) until she finally decided to give into Area X.

This section is sobering and sad; basically a glimpse at how the biologist's isolation slowly made her go mad. She finds an owl (hello cover) that she believes is her husband post Area X conversion and the two live together for decades. When it dies, the biologist loses the will to keep fighting Area X. It's ambiguous if the owl really is her husband, or if she's just projecting, but her heartbreak at the end is probably the strongest emotion she shows in the series. But what is interesting about this part is it confirms a cool detail. Injury and pain can halt the progression of "the brightness" within someone. Which is how the biologist managed to survive 30 years, how Grace survived what turns out to be 3 years, and so on. Even more interesting, when someone DOES finally succumb after warding off the brightness this way, they turn into something more strange and alien. Hence the moaning creature, and Saul/the Crawler. It's also probably why some creatures have incongruencies, like the dolphins with human eyes.

The biologist? She transformed into a giant, oceanic eldritch abomination COVERED in eyes. Just primo aesthetic. We get to see her from both Ghost Bird and Control's perspectives. Ghost Bird feels solidarity and a sort of euphoria meeting her alternate self. Control... basically breaks in the face of something like that, full cosmic horror style. Again, the contrast here is really appealing to me.

Both of their story arcs end in a way that is narratively satisfying, though the ending is open. The future seems hopeful in a bittersweet way, but presumably Area X has destroyed humanity as we know it. Whether that's a good or bad thing depends on your perspective and is a central thesis of the series.

So, I said I'd discuss how this series approaches aliens. While there's an appeal to anthropomorphic alien species one can talk to and communicate with, I think an "unknowable" perspective is more realistic. After all, who's to say alien life formed under similar conditions or has any resemblance to our own? The extraterrestrial element in The Southern Reach is very much this type. But it's a fine line to walk in fiction, because handwaving the weird alien stuff as impossible to comprehend (and thus conveniently ducking any responsibility for explaining it) is lazy writing when done wrong.

The thing I find interesting about this series is the human characters understand lots of the what of the alien elements, but not the why. For example, Area X transforms humans into various plants and animals. We know it instills a sense of "brightness" in humans exposed for too long, which encourages assimilation into itself. Humans infected in this way, even if horrified or resistant, have thoughts of this being inevitable, even a good thing. The biologist takes samples in Annihilation and finds several plants and animals have human cells. Control logically knows what Area X does to people, but he is ultimately helpless to resist the process when he experiences it firsthand.

As for the why of it all... we don't really know! There's multiple ideas presented throughout the story. Ghost Bird probably gets closest to the "truth"; that Area X is part of a machine organism from a dead alien civilization, and that it has a bizarre effect on Earth's biology based on its now defunct programming. Other worlds would have their own Area Xes based on this idea, as it's implied the Earth version is just one piece of many. But it's worth noting that Ghost Bird is a creation of Area X and sees things differently than the other characters. Unreliable narration is ironically consistent through the series. So it's hard to say if this is true or not; perhaps it's silly to think any explanation would be understandable to a human mind. Obsession with finding the answer is a recurring theme that drives characters insane. I think this is an interesting compromise when discussing the unknowable; to have some facts and theories but not necessarily a concrete answer.

If I have a criticism for this book, it's the role of the "Séance and Science Brigade", especially in Saul's storyline. While they're set up earlier in the series, we only really see them in this book. Our limited perspective via Saul leaves a lot of ambiguity as to their purpose, function, and goals. There's an implication that Control's family influenced the organization's decision to sabotage the beacon and create Area X. But I consider the subplot with Control's mom/grandfather to be one of the weaker ones in the series, and this book didn't help. The S&SB comes off as campy and ineffectual, which is perhaps intentional? But since they're narratively the fanatics who caused Area X to happen, I really wish they felt more sinister and impactful. There's some attempt to make them scary, but it's not very convincing when compared to Area X. Kind of like a Saturday morning cartoon villain vs the unknowable cosmic horror of the universe. This is a nitpick, though.

While rereading the series, I discovered there's a planned fourth book which may or may not star a minor character from Saul's story. I'm interested to see what else there is to explore about Area X and the Southern Reach. As it stands, I still really like this series. Between the horror and general weirdness, it's not for everyone, but it sure does appeal to me. I think this is one of those series that you'll either adore or hate. Obviously I recommend it.

#taylor reads #2021 reading challenge #10/10 #long review lmao

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live-long-and-time-warp · 4 years ago

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It’s hard to leave your toxic friends... but it’s so worth it

I don’t normally do this, but as I sat in a Saturday morning meeting thinking about all of the things I felt this past Friday, I felt compelled to share my story.

A brief background: throughout college and for several years afterward, I considered my tight-knit group of college friends as some of my closest. In addition to my best friend of 20 years, some friends from high school, my work team, and some other dear friends scattered across the globe and throughout the U.S., this group of college friends was who I considered to be my foundation. This group of friends was extremely important to me, but it was not without its bumps in the road.

In my senior year of college, I had a falling out with one of these friends, the ringleader I’ll call her. I say this because she is quite honestly the source of 95% of my problems with this group. She is a master manipulator, and an expert gaslighter. There were a few others that contributed to this too, but she was by far the worst.

I can’t elaborate on every single thing that this person said and did over our 7 year “friendship” but a brief summary would be: asking me point blank if I thought I might be a lesbian after coming out as bi (to this friend group and in her presence, I might add) only several months prior; asking me how much money I spend on books about “Chernobyl” every month with the implication that she’s concerned about my finances; telling me that my resume may not be as impressive as I think it is (I’m the deputy director of a nonprofit with both state-based and national projects and had been for close to a year prior to this conversation); would clean up the crumbs from in front of me while I was still eating and comment on my messiness; told me that one of our mutual friends doesn’t like discussing politics with me because I get too fired up (again, I work for a nonprofit that deals with social justice); telling me that crying while comforting my friend who had just lost a loved one to suicide after they began crying was weird and that I “stole her thunder” (we were slightly drunk, I’m an empath, and she was talking about some deeply personal things that moved me and crying was my natural response... and oddly, she was appreciative of my tears because I was “the only person that actually stayed with her”); and so much more that I know I’m forgetting.

There were many other things more insidious, including gaslighting me about my inclusion in several group activities and why it should have been obvious why one friend disliked me enough to not invite me to her wedding after years of claiming cluelessness.

In our senior year, I left that friend for the first time after she humiliated me at a party by commenting loudly and with condescension on my weight. When I cut ties with her, I felt as if I had just left an abusive relationship, and for a while I didn’t want to seek a friendship with her again.

But the other friends in our group still hung out with both of us, so eventually I allowed myself to be sucked back in.

In the years after we graduated, I thought that this person had actually changed- I worked abroad for a year after college, and after returning I saw a marked difference in her demeanor and how she interacted with us. She seemed more self-aware of how her words and actions adversely affected other people, and I thought that maybe the ugliness of that horrible portion of my senior year was now just a faded scar.

But then things escalated very quickly. Over the course of several weeks at the beginning of this year, I started to feel myself questioning whether I had made the right choice in rejoining the group: I was so sure of how I felt after I left it the first time, I felt so empowered and free. So why did I allow myself to rejoin them? Was it really the right choice?

I got my answer a week after the insurrection at the Capitol. One friend who already had a history of saying hateful things about women (which I tried to put a stop to to no avail) finally went full white supremacist asshole, and instead of joining me in calling his comments unacceptable and defending me as he mansplained my job to me, the ringleader criticized me and told me that “I can work in activism and politics and be wrong”.

That’s the moment I finally woke up.

I left the chat that very moment. Every time they added me back without my consent, I left again.

Every time I got message from the ringleader that was full of gaslighting comments and false apologies, I didn’t say a word. Just deleted the message. Finally, I was able to gather the strength needed to block those toxic friends from all social media and my phone. One of these friends was someone I tried to make like me for years after I was told that she hated me for no reason, by her own admission.

Some may not agree with this approach, but I made the choice to cut contact and go radio silent on my own after consulting my friends, specifically my best friend who had been there for me during the incident my senior year.

As weeks went by, some of the true friends from that group reached out, and then immediately backed off after my polite request for space, indicating that I was welcome back at any time and they were always here for me.

The ringleader chose the opposite approach. She continued to gaslight me, made a group chat with myself, the white supremacist, and herself. She sent me messages from her second account, one that I remembered to unfriend but forgot to block. She told me that if I don’t “course correct” by a certain date she would block me on my account (too late, bro) and that “we wish you all the best”. This implies that it was on behalf of the entire group, something I know three of them would never do. However, at this point, I have had to distance myself from all of those friends so as not to give the ringleader the attention she wants from me.

I lost over half of my closest friends over night. It felt like my skeleton had been torn from my body. I considered giving in several times and reaching out to them. But now, over a month later, I understand how necessary it was to excise what was essentially a malignant tumor. The Chernobyl researcher in me wants to compare it to Acute Radiation Syndrome (ARS): an unseen poison that slowly infiltrates every part of your mind and body and rots them from the inside out.

2020 was an extremely hard year for me, as it was for so many. I am so lucky and privileged to have been in the financial situation that I was and had the support of my genuine friends and family.

But it was still the worst year of my life. I have suffered from pretty bad OCD for most of my life, and while I usually keep it under control, last year it became nearly impossible to do so. I also fell very deeply into clinical depression, and worked to the point of burn out and exhaustion. The primary thoughts I had during this depression were:

“Why aren’t you working? You’re lazy.”

“You’re a failure, you’re 26 and haven’t applied to grad school yet.”

“You piece of shit, still living with your parents? What a disappointment.”

“What is wrong with you?”

It was unbearable. I’m honestly not entirely sure how I survived it, but I think a certain 3-year-old goddaughter of mine and a few close, real friends had something to do with it.

I worked very hard with my friends, a therapist, and a psychiatrist to overcome this depression and get my OCD back under control. Now, I feel like such a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I still have depression, and the OCD will always be with me (like a bad habit... literally?); but I am so much more happy with myself and my life, as I should be.

And I am very, very, very well aware that therapy was not the only reason I have recently begun feeling this way. It’s very hard to see that you’re being manipulated while it’s happening. Because of my trusting nature, sometimes manipulative comments would be interpreted as heartfelt guidance.

It wasn’t until I started the journey away from them that I saw just how much this group and their negativity (because even the best of them weren’t always the kindest) impacted my mental health.

The event that made me want to share this story is this: yesterday was a rough work day. As a full-time community organizer, I am pretty much burnt out all of the time. Breaks are taken, but with projects addressing issues from COVID relief to systemic racism and police brutality, it never feels like enough.

I had to officially take a step back as a sole lead on an annual event that I organized for two years, and it was gut-wrenching.

Now, I cry often, but I don’t usually get to have therapeutic cries. You know what I mean? Like, as you cry, all of the tension that built up in your body by negative feelings is finally being released with every breath and sob?

Well, the dam finally broke in a team meeting on Friday. I started sobbing and couldn’t stop. And my colleagues were so, so kind. They let me vent, they let me cry, they would not accept my apologies for crying. They told me that I was strong for setting up boundaries, and that they were here for me.

We spent a lot of time at the end of the meeting each talking about our self-care routines. And as I sit here typing this, I am actively trying not to cry at the purity of their support.

This experience has taught me what real friends are. Real friends do not put limitations on your emotions and fears.

Real friends do not give you deadlines for processing your feelings.

Real friends do not criticize you for things that, while they may not agree with, do not affect anyone’s health or marginalize anyone.

Real friends don’t marginalize vulnerable communities.

Real friends help and support you with constructive criticism (when it’s asked for) and love, not patronization and manipulation.

I thought I knew all of these things before, but I know now that I am still learning... and that that is perfectly okay. I don’t regret most of the times we shared together. I am appreciative of the positive memories that their friendships gave me.

Three of the friends in this group are actually good people, and maybe one day when the dust is settled I’ll reach out to them and establish one-on-one friendships with them (if they want to).

And I have to thank my real friends, including @tryingtobealwaystrying, for all saying the exact same thing: you deserve so much happiness and fuck all of those guys.

So, the point of this post is to tell everyone this: you can leave your toxic friends. It’s incredibly difficult, stressful, and honestly traumatizing. And there’s no shame in needing time or feeling unable to leave those friends now. There’s also no shame in returning to those friends.

But please know, from this nerd to the reader: anyone that makes you feel any less than the beautiful, amazing human being you are and doesn’t want to help you become an even better human on your own terms is not a true friend. They don’t deserve you or the light you can bring into their lives.

And every agonizing step away from those friends is a step closer to a happier, healthier life.

#toxic frienship #mental health #living with ocd #depression #storytime

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365days365movies · 4 years ago

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February 18, 2021: The Danish Girl (Part 2)

We’re back, and hey, Tom Hopper?

While I have you, quick question...where’s the Butthole Cut of Cats? Asking for the GF, she was curious. Oh, here she is now!

Adorable. Anyway, yeah, back to The Danish Girl! Recap Part 1 is right here!

Recap (2/2)

Lily is clearly struggling, and Gerda knows it. So, while in Paris, she tracks down an old friend of Lili’s: Hans Axgil (Matthias Schoenaerts), currently an art dealer, and formerly the guy that Lili kissed when they were kids! I’m sure that that won’t make things awkward!

The next day, Gerda tells Lili that she’s planning on bringing in Hans as an art dealer. She also says that Hand remembers her with “great fondness.” I’M SURE THAT COMMENT WON’T BE RECIEVED IN A VERY SPECIFIC WAY GERDA WHAT THE FU-

Anyway, after Lili doesn’t show up to lunch, they go back to the Paris apartment to find her, and do indeed find Lili. Not Einar, LILI. Which, yeah, not exactly what either Hans or Gerda was expecting. Pretty sure Gerda wasn’t expecting Lili to be so flirty with Hans, DAMN! Seems like Lili’s got quite the unrequited crush on Hans.

However, that goes awry as the topic of conversation moves to marriage, and Lili demonstrates her very strong opinions on the subject. Then, obviously realizing that she’s talking about this IN FRONT OF HER WIFE, she breaks down from guilt, and leaves the room crying.

Hans, CLEARLY realizing that Lili is Einar, not Einar’s cousin (yeah, they tried that lie, it did NOT work), leaves, but offers his help with this situation. Gerda and Lili go to bed, and Lili asks to borrow a nightdress. When Gerda says that Lili’s never spent the night, Lili says the following:

It doesn’t matter what I wear. ‘Cause when I dream...they’re Lili’s dreams.

And I should acknowledge here: I’m a cissexual man, and I OBVIOUSLY have absolutely no knowledge of the transgender experience on a personal level, so I can’t comment on whether or not this is genuine. But, uh...goddamn, to a complete outsider, it feels genuine. Not trying to assume any one experience is the same as another one, but this certainly feels real to me. Hope that’s not in any way offensive; like I said, complete outsider here. An ally, yeah, but still an outsider.

Anyway, it would seem that Lili’s here to say, and Gerda grows more comfortable with that fact. Lili eventually poses for Gerda once again, and the new paintings make a splash on the Paris art scene. Which Hans has also noticed, and he invites Gerda to dinner, in a romantic fashion. She says that she’s “still married to Einar,” and refuses. And yet, Einar isn’t there, is he? With that realization, Gerda leaves, hurt.

Lili’s been at home making dinner, but Gerda is clearly too upset to even slightly interact with Lili, asking her to “get Einar.” But Lili refuses, as if to say that Einar doesn’t exist anymore. And, to be fair, it looks like she’s right about that. Gerda leaves, heartbroken, and goes right to...Hans, GODDAMNIT!

Yeah, she runs off right after they kiss, but this still isn’t OK, obviously. She realizes that, and returns home, where Lili has again assumed the Einar identity, but doesn’t believe that she can maintain that charade much longer. They two acknowledge that they can’t keep up their relationship like this, and both resolve to try and find a solution.

Ulla comes to visit, and suggests a doctor at a women’s institute. Meanwhile, Lili goes to the library to research others like her. However, on the way home, she’s accosted by two men in the park and beaten up. Injured, she heads to Hans’ place, and he patches her up. Hans also tries to understand this transition, and Lili explains that she’s felt this way since their childhood together. In any case, Hans agrees to help.

Lili sees several doctors, all of whom are, uh...yeah, bad. But, to be fair, it’s the 1930s, so there isn’t much to be expected at this point. At one point, a doctor diagnoses her as schizophrenic, and leaves to get a straitjacket, but she escapes through a window beforehand. JESUS.

That night, Gerda and Lili decide to try one more doctor, the one that Ulla’s suggested. That doctor is Dr. Kurt Warnerkros (Sebastian Koch), and he’s the only one who seems open to helping Lili, and suggests gender reassignment surgery. And as he talks about the details of the surgery, as well as the MYRIAD of complications involved. And Lili immediately accepts.

However, this means the end of their relationship, and both of them are aware of this. As Lili goes on the train, dressed as Einar, she bids Hans and Gerda a tearful goodbye, as well as Einar Wegener.

At the clinic, Lili, officially identifying as Lili Elbe, goes through multiple procedures to become her true self. Back home, Hans tries to convince Gerda to visit Lili at the clinic, but it’s understandably hard for her to do so. When she inevitably does, Lili is fresh out of surgery, and is NOT OK, even a little, holy SHIT.

But soon, Lili recovers, and Gerda is there to help her all along the way. However, at this point, their relationship has turned into a friendship, rather than a marriage. Now working at a department store as a perfume saleswoman, Lili’s begun to reinvent herself.

Not only does this include a social life with the fellow saleswomen, but also a potential relationship with Henrik, whom, it appears, knew that Lili was in fact a man, and now seems to fully accept that Lili is a woman. Also turns out, for the record, that Henrik’s gay, so the two end up becoming friends!

Gerda’s not as happy with these changes, however, and is struggling to adjust, despite Lili’s urgings for her to do so. And as this change in Lili’s life cements itself, she decides to go for broke and go for the second operation. Gerda once again goes to support the operation, and to support Lili.

However, as Gerda leaves her for the night, Lili begins sobbing deeply. Now, is this because of her lost relationship with Gerda, or for another reason? Or perhaps she’s understandably scared for this second operation. In any case, the operation is happening. To support both Gerda and Lili, Hans soon arrives, and Hans and Gerda embrace. And then, the next day, Lili goes into surgery.

But during the surgery, she’s lost a lot of blood. And while Hans and Gerda are there to comfort her...she looks EXTREMELY not good. However, she’s briefly awake enough to say that she is “entirely herself.” Lili asks Gerda to talk her outside, to the garden, and she obliges.

And as Lili’s giving a very nice soliloquy about a dream she had the previous night, I feel the need to point something out. This film is pretty famous for having historical inaccuracies, and I’ll go into those in the Review. However, there is one thing that the film got right.

youtube

Lili doesn’t survive the surgery. In real life, she actually had a third surgery, but she did die as a result of complications. Which, yeah, is crushingly sad.

We end as Gerda and Hans are returning home, and on the trip there, Gerda sees five trees, the same ones that were in a painting of Einar’s (Lili wasn’t a painter). A scarf that Lili gave to Gerda flies away in the wind off the coast. And Gerda smiles.

And that was The Danish Girl. Well! That was interesting, interesting indeed. See you in the Review!

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anhed-nia · 4 years ago

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BLOGTOBER 10/17/2020: SPOOKIES

What do we watch, when we watch movies? This question was sparked by my SOV experience with the very different, and differently interesting BLOODY MUSCLE BODYBUILDER FROM HELL and HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY 5. Within the Shot On Video category, one can find inventive homemade features that are driven entirely by blood, sweat, and the creators' feeling of personal satisfaction. The results are sometimes fascinating, in their total alienation from the conventions and techniques of mainstream filmmaking, and after all, one rarely sees anything whose primary motivation is passion, here in the late stages of capitalism. But, all this talk about what goes on behind the camera points to a discrepancy in how we consume different kinds of production. The typical mode of consumption is internal to the movie: What happens in it? Do you relate to the characters? Are you able to suspend your disbelief, to experience the story on a vicarious level? One hardly needs to come up with examples of films that invite this style of viewing. Alternatively, we can experience the movie as a record of a time and place in which real people defied conventions and sometimes broke laws in order to produce a work of art. SOV production is usually viewed through this lens, where the primary interest is not the illusory content, but the filmmakers' sheer determination to create. We find some overlap in movies like EVIL DEAD, which simultaneously presents a terrifying narrative, and evidence of what a truly driven team can create without the aid of a studio, or any real money to speak of. See also, Larry Cohen's New York City-based horror films, in which a compelling drama with great acting can exist side by side with phony but beautiful effects, and exciting stories of stolen footage that would be dangerous or impossible to attempt today. I'm thinking about these different modes of consumption now because I just watched SPOOKIES, a legitimately cursed-seeming film whose harrowing production history has superseded whatever people think about what it shows on the screen. The lovingly composed blu-ray from Vinegar Syndrome includes a feature-length documentary that attempts to explain the making of the film--which is accompanied by its own feature length commentary track by documentarists Michael Gingold and Glen Baisley. The very existence of this artifact suggests a lot about the nature of this movie, in and of itself. The truth behind its existence is as funny as it is tragic.

I'm not going to do a whole breakdown of the tortured origins of SPOOKIES, which is much better told by the aforementioned documentary. To summarize: Once upon a time in the mid 1980s, filmmakers Brendan Faulkner, Thomas Doran and Frank Farel conspired to make a fun, flamboyant rubber monsterpiece called TWISTED SOULS. It was wild, ridiculous, and transparently fake-looking, but it was loved by its hard-working creators; as a viewer, that soulful sense of joy can rescue many a "bad" movie from its various foibles. Then, inevitably, sleazoid producer Michael Lee stepped in--a man who thought you could cut random frames out of the middle of scenes to improve a movie's pace--and ruined it with extreme prejudice. Carefully crafted special effects sequences were cut, relatively functional scenes were re-edited into oblivion, and the seeds of hatred were sown between the filmmakers and the producer. Ultimately, everyone who once cared for TWISTED SOULS was forced to abandon ship, and first time director Eugenie Joseph stepped in to help mutilate the picture beyond all recognition. Thus SPOOKIES was born, a mangled, unloved mutation that would curse many of its original parents to unemployability. For the audience, it is intriguingly insane, often insulting, and hard to tear your eyes off of--but in spite of whatever actually wound up on the screen, it's impossible to forget its horrifying origin story as it unspools.

As far as what's on the screen goes: A group of "friends", including a middle-aged businessman and his wife, a vinyl-clad punk rock bully and his moll, two new wave-y in-betweeners, and...a guy with a hand puppet are somehow all leaving the same party, and all ready to break into a vacant funeral home for their afterparty. Well, this happens after a 13 year old runaway inexplicably wanders in to a "birthday party" in there, that looks like it was thrown for him by Pennywise, and he has the nerve to act surprised when he is attacked by a severed head and a piratey-looking cat-man who straight up purrs and meows throughout the picture. Anyway, separately of that, which is unrelated to anything, the island of misfit friends finds a nearly unrecognizable "ouija board" in the old dark house. Actually this thing is kind of fun-looking, having been made by one of the fun-havers on the production before the day that fun died, and I wonder if anyone has considered trying to make a real board game out of it...but I digress. Naturally, the board unleashes evil forces, including a zombie uprising in the cemetery outside, a plague of Ghoulie-like ankle-biters, an evil asian spider-lady (accompanied by kyoto flutes), muck-men that fart prodigiously until they melt in a puddle of wine (?), and uh...I know I'm forgetting stuff. One of the reasons I'm forgetting is because of this whole side story about a tuxedo-wearing vampire in the basement (or somewhere?) who has entrapped a beautiful young bride by cursing her with immortality. That part is a little confusing, not only because it doesn't intersect with the rest of the movie, but because sometimes it seems contemporary--as the bride struggles to survive the zombie plague--and sometimes it seems like a flashback, as our heroes find what looks like the mummified corpse of the dracula guy, complete with his signet ring. So, I don't know what to tell you really. Those are just some of the things that happen in the movie.

Some people like this a lot, and have supported its ascendance to cult status, which is a huge relief when you know what everyone went through to make this movie, only to have it ripped away from them and used against them. I found SPOOKIES a little hard to take, for all the reasons that the cast and crew express in the documentary. It holds a certain amount of visual fascination, whatever you think of it; something of its original creativity remains evident in the movie's colorful, exaggerated look, and its steady parade of unconvincing but inventive creature effects. But then, you have to deal with the farting muck-men. What was once a scene of terror starring REGULAR muck-men, that sounded incredibly laborious to pull off, became a scene of confusing "comedy" when producer Michael Lee insisted that the creatures be accompanied by a barrage of scatalogical noises. Apparently this was Lee's dream come true, as a guy who insisted everyone pull his finger all the time, and who once tried to call the movie "BOWEL ERUPTOR". But, of all the deformations SPOOKIES endured, the fart sounds dealt a mortal injury to the filmmakers' feelings, and even without knowing that, it's hard to enjoy yourself while that's happening.

Actually, all the farts forced me to ask myself: Is this...a comedy? Like for real, as its main thing? As the movie slogged on, I had to decide that it wasn't, but I was distracted by the notion for around 40 minutes. I was only released from this nagging suspicion when the bride makes her long marathon run through throngs of slavering zombies who swarm her, grope her, and tear off her clothes, before she narrowly escapes to an even worse fate. The lengthy scene is strangely gripping, and sleazy for a movie that sometimes feels like low rent children's entertainment. Part of the sequence’s success lies in its simplicity; it is unburdened by the convoluted complications of the rest of the movie, whose esoteric parts never fall together, so it seems to take on a sustained, intensifying focus. The action itself is unnerving, as the delicate and frankly gorgeous Maria Pechuka is molested and stripped nearly-bare by her undead bachelors, running from one drooling mob to another as the horde nearly engulfs her time and again. Actually, it feels a lot like a certain genre of SOV production in which, for the right price, any old creepy nerd can pay a small crew-for-hire to tape a version of his private fantasy, whether it's women being consumed by slime, or women being consumed by quicksand, or...generally, women being consumed by something. I wish I could describe this form of production in more specific or official terms, because I genuinely think it's wonderful that people do this. Anyway, Pechuka's interminable zombie run feels a little like that, and a little like a grim italian gutmuncher, and a little like an actual nightmare. Perhaps it only stands out against its dubious surroundings, but I kind of love it--and I'm happy to love it, because apparently the late Ms. Pechuka truly loved making SPOOKIES, and wanted other people to love it, too.

Which brings me to the uncomfortable place where I land with this movie. On the one hand...I think it's bad. It's so incoherent, and so insists on its impoverished form of comedy, that it's hard to be as charmed by it as I am by plenty of FX-heavy, no-budget oddities. Perhaps the lingering odor of misery drowns out the sweet joy that the crew once felt in the early days of creation--which is still evident, somehow, in its zany special effects, created by the likes of Gabe Bartalos and other folks whose work you definitely already know and love. But I feel ambivalent, about all of this. On the one hand, I can be a snob, and shit on people for failing to make a movie that meets conventional standards of success. On the other hand, I can be a DIFFERENT kind of snob--a more voyeuristic or even sadistic one--and celebrate the painful failures that produced a movie that is most interesting for its tormented history and its amusing ineptitude. I'm not really sure where I would prefer to settle with SPOOKIES, and movies like it. (As if anything is really "like" SPOOKIES) With all that said, I was left with one soothing thought by castmember Anthony Valbiro in the documentary. At some point, he tells us how ROSEMARY'S BABY is his personal cinematic comfort food; he can put it on at night, after an exhausting day, and drift to sleep, enveloped in its warm, glowing aura. He then says that he hopes there are people out there for whom his movie serves that same purpose, that some of us can have our "milk and cookies moment" with SPOOKIES. Honestly, I choke up just thinking about that.

#blogtober #2020 #spookies #horror #supernatural #vampire #zombie #creature feature #old dark house #cursed film #thomas doran #frank farel #eugenie joseph #michael lee #vipco #twisted souls #brendan faulkner #maria pechuka

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ardenttheories · 4 years ago

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I don't expect a super serious answer from this, but I'm just curious. in a perfect world, how would hs^2 be written? do you have any particular headcanons or plot lines that would be interesting to explore? I understand the hesitation in answering a question like this, because other people might try to discredit your critiques under the guise of "well its not ur headcanons so that's why ur mad". anyways, just curious because I respect your perspective and ideas

In complete honesty? The first thing I would consider vital is a diverse team of people - genuinely diverse - to consider every point of representation with. I’m talking people of different races (to avoid the anti-black coding of Gamzee), with mental illnesses (to avoid the ableism in both Gamzee and Dirk), with different gender identities (to more accurately and healthily portray Jade, Roxy, Vriska, June - any character we could feasibly want to make trans or nonbinary), with different romanticisms and sexualities (so that we could write genuine MLM and WLW relationships without falling into homophobic pitfalls; to avoid biphobic stereotypes), and overall, with different traumatic experiences and triggers (so that we could more accurately gauge what triggers would need to be tagged and how to go over them in an appropriate and respectful manner).

We could never be 100% perfect, but with a team like that, we could at least get close to it.

Additionally, I’d bring back either fan prompts or closely listen to fan theories and conversations. Homestuck^2 was touted to be written with the fandom in mind; to consider the direction we were asking it to go in, while basing it around a general barebones structure. I’d want to make sure we were including as much of that in as humanly possible. So, if a fan theory seemed like it’d fit into the story? I’d want to include that with the rest of the text; if the fans liked a specific character? I’d want to try and include them more often. Little things to show that we’re listening and that we’re writing the story WITH the fans - like how early Homestuck used to be.

On an actual storyline basis, I really do love the concept of Meat and Candy; that there’s one timeline that goes off the rails and one that is very rigidly stuck to a track. I wouldn’t want to change that concept entirely, but I would want to make it more palpatable for people to read.

This would mean, for me, absolutely getting rid of anything to do with Yiffany. I’d completely replace that with Dave and Jade having a child together via ectobiology; how Jade has to raise their child in Dave’s absence after he goes missing, how that affects her, who she turns to for comfort and help.

I’d want to focus Candy more on that feeling of helplessness and dissociation. On John feeling adrift in a world that doesn’t quite connect with him, that doesn’t entirely feel real; how that would affect his relationships, his friends, his family. In this timeline, all of the rebellion stuff would be completely background to the interpersonal connections everyone has (the things that supposedly don’t matter, as is the point of Candy), with much more emphasis on how useless and frivolous the whole war is. It’d get to a point where nobody actually knows why they’re fighting anymore except for the fact that they are, and that even Jane, who started it out of a genuine fear for the human race, is getting tired of it, is losing resources, is starting to realise that she’s drifting away from her own child.

A truce would be garnered, started by Jane who just very much wants to reconnect with her son, with Karkat taking on the role as troll emissiary. It features long talks in a large, empty room, pouring over papers, where Jane admits that she doesn’t actually know what anyone is up to these days, how long it’s been since she’s seen her husband, since she’s seen John, and Karkat quietly confesses that it’s been several years since he’s seen Dave or Jade, and that he misses them both.

After that, a lot of the content of Candy would focus on healing. They would get back to their happily ever after, even though some things would never be the same, and there would still be inconsequentialities. It would also correspond with John coming to the slow realisation that he really doesn’t need a plot to be happy at all; that just because it doesn’t matter to the overarching story doesn’t mean it can’t matter to him.

The Candy timeline, therefore, would close early; it would fade from our view just as Dirk feared, but it would be happy and content, and free from any further meddling. I’d essentially want to enforce this idea that, yes, we can still have happy endings - even if they aren’t “full of meaning”. They can still be satisfying.

The Meat timeline, on the other hand, would have a significant focus on Dirk and his attempts to continue the plot. I think it would be fun, admittedly, if nothing went the way he thought it would. That after all of his villany and his acceptance of destruction in order to facilitate something he thought would be better, he actually just lost complete and utter control.

The plot isn’t something that he alone can continue. It’s created with character conflict, with motivations and rises and falls and losses and gains; trying to recreate SBURB, to try and restart the cycle, isn’t what a plot needs to be. It isn’t what he thinks it will do.

I’m unsure if you’ve seen this recently, but there’s been a lot of fanwork around the Lord!Jake English idea that went around several years back (when people saw the Caliborn sona). Now, this I’d want to put into it.

Jake, fed up with being stepped on, walked over, hurt, suffering from the trauma of being completely and utterly ruined by Dirk, absolutely flips shit. He chases after Dirk to seek revenge, to cut short whatever bullshit he’s trying to do, and therefore much of the comic becomes this constant back and forth with an increasing fear for Dirk the closer Jake gets as he traverses Paradox Space.

It’s very much clear that when Jake arrives, Dirk will lose. There’s no question about it. Nobody suggests that anything else will happen. There’s several arguments on Meat’s Earth C over whether or not they should try to stop Jake, or let him stop Dirk - and whether or not Jake will calm down afterwards or continue his rampage.

In the end, Dirk fails. Jake catches up to him, and just before he hits the killing blow, the entire thing goes dark. Our narrator dead, the plot abandoned; there is nothing more to see. This I would want to use to enforce the idea that, yes, plot can still be satisfying as hell and still have integral moments and be heavy and harsh - but it can also end in a way that leaves open questions because that shows that it isn’t the best ending you can get.

And then we jump back to Terezi, using her Seer powers. Both timelines have been her trying to use her powers to See what’s in store, where she should go, what she should do. She’s still floating through Paradox Space, looking for Vriska, and as such she’s met with this... sort of internal dilemma.

She knows, now, that the chances of her dying out here are high. She also knows that even if she does survive, she’s pretty much never going to see Vriska again anyway. She knows there’s a chance at a happier relationship with John, and that the only way she can get that is if she somehow manages to make a timeline where Meat and Candy merge together at once.

So, she flies back. She manages to arrive on Earth C the day of John’s big decision, and interrupts him before he can go to the picnic. Through their dialogue, John gets it stuck in his head that, hey, there’s something BIGGER out here that you need to do, but you need to do that amazing thing again where you make a third Choice.

When John arrives at the picnic, he decides to eat some of the pumpkin instead - to which you might be thinking, what pumpkin? The one he put there, of course, using his retcon powers.

So we start on the Pumpkin timeline, written entirely in the 1st person narrative from John’s POV. It’s a completely biased interpretation of what’s going on, but it’s honest to John’s own thoughts and feelings, too, allowing everyone to act the way they usually would do without any influence, but still having a narrative touch.

It shows John actively fighting to free the timeline from Dirk’s and Alternate Calliope’s narrative controls, those little hooks they’ve planted in it since time began, with a lot of back-and-forth as the two talk to John through the narration (which, he hears their voices as thoughts in his head).

John attempts to free them both from their own biases and chains, encouraging Alternate!Calliope to leave the space she’s isolated herself in and join Earth C while convincing Dirk to undo the bullshit villain schtick he’s on (and that plot or no plot, there’s still a reason worth living for).

It’d be a timeline filled with references back to original Homestuck (and funny quips from both Alternate!Calliope and Dirk along the way), a lot of morality discussion, plenty of theorising on narrative control and arcs and the placement of plot and fluff in a satisfying story, and have plenty of representation and romance and hints towards kids, too (such as nonbinary RoxyJaneCallie, DaveJadeKat, aromantic Jake, JohnDirk [because I couldn’t stop myself, honestly, with how their Classpects work so well hand in hand], and definitely RoseMary being the first to adopt a child that they absolutely do not call Vriska).

It’d fill plotholes the fandom wants to be filled, and it’d have drama, of course, in the form of figuring out a way to destroy Lord English that doesn’t inherently lead to the Candy timeline. But it’d go back and forth between the heavy, plot-filled moments and the slower, relationship-based moments, with more humanising and development of Dirk and Alternate!Calliope and John as rounded characters.

That’s the best my tired mind can come up with right now. It’s something I’ve daydreamed about a lot, actually; how I’d rewrite Homestuck^2, or what my own ending to Homestuck would be using it as a foundation. I hope it makes sense! It’s a fun little thought experiment, honestly.

#long post//#ardenttheories #homestuck^2 critical #Anonymous

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ckret2 · 5 years ago

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idk if someone actually finally sent this ask but i'mma do it since it seems people are dancing around it: if you're comfortable with it, may we have some radiosnake sexual headcanons (wherein alastor is not sexually repulsed or is demisexual/grey-ace ofc)?? love, a very happy demisexual who just finished a cold day in hell literally two minutes ago

You win the prize for "actually has the courage to directly ask for sexual headcanons" because no, nobody else has asked yet. Sorry for taking so long to answer it but like... the answer is over 2000 words. Have fun.

Now, anon, I've got something important you should know.

When I brainstorm radiosnake stuff, there's a little chatroom I do it in. What happens is, a lot of times, I'll come up with a scene or a scenario or a plot arc, and I'll describe it to that chat. And then, every once in a while, I'll say, "... and then here's how that same thing goes over in the parallel universe where Alastor Fucks." I have. A looot of little ideas set in the parallel universe where Alastor Fucks.

(He's still somewhere on the ace spectrum in all those ideas—either he's demi or else he's sex-neutral/sex-positive ace, depending on the idea—but he does Fuck.)

However, 1) a majority of these ideas are very clearly set specifically in CDIH's verse, and so I don't wanna share them as broad "radiosnake headcanons" when they're tied to one specific fanfic; and 2) a lot of them are angsty, and if you're asking for general headcanons then I'm assuming what you probably want is them actually having a good time rather than several decades of self-induced suffering over unrequited desire. So if you want CDIH-specific stuff and/or angsty stuff (or, more likely, CDIH-specific angsty stuff), hit me up again and I'll share some more stuff. For now, I'll talk about more general non-angsty headcanons.

Okay so most of this answer is geared toward Alastor's perspective since it's like, it's the more interesting one to me in this context, he's the one gradually figuring stuff out while Sir Pent's hanging out being allo with over a century of having his sexuality sorted out.

So that you know what kinda headcanons I'm rolling with here: there's, like, several ways I can conceptualize Alastor's orientation in my head, and they're sorta ranked by how "true" they are to me. Not "true" as in "how canon I think they are," but "true" as in, like, what Feels the Most Right to me.

The #1 Most True version of Alastor in my head is 100% ace/aro. He's not "repulsed" by sex (or romance, for that matter) in the sense of "disgusted/horrified/never ever wants to hear about it," but he, like, has absolutely zero interest in DOING it. He's not repulsed by the subject but he is by most touch, including the kind of touching necessary for sex. Might have some, like, academic curiosity about sex & romance, might enjoy it in a fictional context simply for the drama it adds to a story, but has no desire to be a participant. He can listen to a friend talk about their sexual escapades in graphic detail for an hour without an ounce of discomfort but if they offer him a quick peck on the lips he goes "I'm out." He might have sex Once just to see what it's like/just to say he has and that’s where his curiosity ends.

So that's my mental Most True Version Of Alastor.

The SECOND most true version of Alastor is like, the exact same as that, except he's just barely demiromantic enough that he might, once, fall in love. The odds of him falling in love are the same as someone's odds of winning the lottery. This is the version of Alastor I use in CDIH and other radiosnake fics, where Sir Pentious happens to have been lucky enough to win the lottery, but also, it took fifteen years before it happened. Alastor's feelings about touch & sex are the same, EXCEPT that whoever he loves is excluded from the Touch Is Unpleasant rule, which opens up a few more possibilities.

And I've got more mental versions of Alastor but that's as far as we need to go to be relevant to this post.

So given the above: Alastor's natural internal pool of Enjoyable Physical Activities that he would be autonomously inclined to want to try with Sir Pentious is broader than "nothing at all" but stops short of actual sex. More like sensual activities.

The not-necessarily-sexual sensual things that are obviously & immediately available on Alastor’s Selectable Menu Of Romantic Physical Activities are gonna be things like:

--Cuddles! We're starting as vanilla as possible, folks. Cuddling and sleeping in bed together. 95% naked cuddles are acceptable, although Alastor is inclined to keep his underpants on. Moving to "underpants" from "underpants AND undershirt" is a Notable Intimacy Milestone for him because like Back In His Day undershirts were part of the required underwear, so to him that's taking off 50% of his underwear. It's like switching from loose boxers to a thong. On the other hand Sir Pent is just, totally nude, because look at him he already isn't wearing any pants, he's got nothing to hide.

--Massage! Neither one of them is any sort of professional but tbh on a scale of 1 to 10 a massage can be as bad as a 3 and still be enjoyable y'know? Alastor tends to offer if he notices Sir Pent is sore and/or if Alastor has decided he's gonna be in Extreme Over-The-Top Performatively* Romantic Mode tonight. He always sort of forgets that the option of being massaged exists until Sir Pent offers it in return, because, like, he thinks of himself as a floating radio voice with an inconvenient meat puppet attached, sometimes he forgets that the meat puppet can be pampered too. And then he sits there in a blissed-out daze while Sir Pent goes holy crap your shoulders are like oak, how have you not snapped your own spine with tension yet.

(*Note here when I say Alastor can get "performatively" romantic I don't mean "going through the motions but isn't feeling the love"; I mean that, like, basically NO romantic gestures come naturally to him because he just isn't feeling the gestures even though he's definitely feeling the love. He's sort of figuring out How To Perform Romance As An Action by drawing on how he's seen it done in books/movies/etc. and picking & choosing the things that seem most fun to him to do. So in a sense he is performing a role that he's conscious of when he interacts with Sir Pent romantically, but that's because "performing a role" is how Mr. Perpetual Radio Host approaches all of life—and he's only performing this one because he genuinely wants to and because he's enjoying it.)

--Body worship! Alastor is really deeply squicked out by touching someone's skin/hair/fur but on the other hand (and maybe specifically because it avoids the squick) he is really deeply fascinated by Sir Pentious's scales, which feel Not At All Like Mammal Skin. He also still does the "??? oh right, I have a body too" thing when Sir Pent returns the attention—but Alastor's like, okay, I’m obviously more familiar with my own body than Sir Pent is, I don’t find my body that interesting but it must still be interesting to Sir Pent.

--Showering together! Sir Pent has figured out that if he starts singing in the shower there is a 99% chance that Alastor will trip over his own pants trying to simultaneously strip down and run to the bathroom so that he can join in on SHOWER DUET TIME. Frankly it's a lot safer to just go "hey I'm about to take a shower, wanna join?" but sometimes he doesn't just to see how fast Alastor shows up.

--Kissing! Making out is completely and always an option. Three of Alastor's most defining character traits are being a radio host (which kind of reduces a person to their voice), his perpetual smile, and his cannibalism. Like 80% of this dude's existence revolves around his mouth. He's absolutely got some kind of oral fixation. He gets into making out—as long as it's with the right person. There is exactly one right person. Sir Pent is okay with this.

Other enjoyable mouth activities:

- Kissing places other than the mouth

- Being kissed in places other than the mouth

- Biting

- Being bitten

And there's the overall list of non-sexual sensual activities that Alastor is into!

... And then eventually at some point Sir Pent is like "no pressure but hhhhypothetically sssspeaking are there possibly any sexual activities you might be interested in trying out" and Alastor is like "What? Oh! Right! Actually forgot sex existed for a bit. Yeah sure fine let’s try it." And that's the point at which they start experimenting with activities beyond Alastor's default activities!

Despite just about everything else with mouths being good, things Alastor is NOT into:

- Blowjobs

They did try. It seemed like a logical starting point. Alastor was like "I've liked putting my mouth everywhere else on this snake, it stands to reason I'll like putting it there too!" He got himself psyched up. He faced down The Dicks. He went, hmm. He stuck his tongue out and poked one.

He went "Yeah this isn't happening."

And Sir Pent went "Honestly you've already surpassed my wildest dreams just by getting that far."

They tried it the other way around too and Alastor went "Yyyye... hmmm... nnnnnooo no, no, don't think so. Not into that at all."

And it took him all of five seconds to reject the mere possibility of ever trying rimming, and the only reason it took that long to reject is because first Sir Pent had to explain what that is.

But everything else with mouths is great! Like. Everything. Sir Pent could go "can you lick my eyeball" and Alastor would go "which one? :)" (Sir Pent would probably not ask for this. But the point is he could.)

Figuring out Alastor's acceptable/enjoyable sex acts was a lot of experimentation like the above with BJs. And what they figured out is: he doesn't want his junk touched. Like. At all. In any context. Which, you know, understandably cuts down on nearly all the sexual options out there. But that’s the hard line: no touching his dick and no touching his butthole. Even if he, like, actively has a raging boner.

(Fun fact that I actually had to do research on, because despite being ace I did not know this due to the fact that I don't have a dick: if you are ace and have a dick there's good odds you'll still pop a boner in sexual situations, even if you have zero interest in what you’re looking at or participating in it. It's like something in your crotch goes "oh! Oh! A naked butt! I know what to do here! We got training for this! Time to ready the cannon!" and something in your brain goes "why the hell are you readying the cannon, we are absolutely not going to use the cannon, the cannon is a major inconvenience here" and the something in your crotch goes "listen, pal, I'm just following my orders. I don't tell you how to do your job, don't tell me how to do mine." The tl;dr here is that when Alastor is experimenting with Sir Pent, he could be completely bored out of his mind and still get a boner because biology is funky like that.)

The first few times this happens Sir Pent goes "are you sure you don't want me to, y'know, give you a handjob or something?? I feel like an inconsiderate jerk not helping out" and Alastor goes "absolutely not" and Sir Pent goes well okay I've made a career out of being an inconsiderate jerk, I guess I can do it in the bedroom too.

What they do manage to gradually figure out is that Alastor is perfectly fine with touching Sir Pent's junk, as long as it's not with his own junk or with his mouth. So hand jobs? Totally fair game. Letting Sir Pent grind against his thigh or abdomen? No problems with that. (Alastor flopped on his stomach going "this really does it for you??" and Sir Pent rubbing in Alastor's tail fur going "... yes." and Alastor is like, "wow. wild.")

More than that, Alastor gradually starts to figure out he likes that. Not necessarily the sensation of having a couple of dicks rubbing on his thigh—that's just sorta weird and probably always will be—but the knowledge of what it's doing to Sir Pent. He likes knowing he's giving Sir Pentious pleasure. He likes hearing him gasp and seeing him writhe and knowing that it's because Sir Pent wants Alastor and that Alastor has the power to give him exactly what he wants. He likes hearing Sir Pent hissing his name and little praises and one-word requests. ("Alastor’s existence revolves around mouths” includes sounds coming out of mouths, he gets more out of words and little noises than he does out of sight & touch combined.)

They figure out that what Alastor enjoys doing best is spooning Sir Pent from behind, wrapped around him to jerk him off. In bed or in the shower or even sitting with Sir Pent in his lap or between his legs. Alastor can put his chin on Sir Pentious's shoulder to listen to the sounds he makes and watch how his long long body moves, he can wrap his free arm around his waist and feel how he tenses and relaxes and squirms, they can kiss (and/or bite, biting is nice) with a little bit of careful positioning...

Also it's easier for Alastor to quietly sing to him from there.

... Alastor sings during sex. For the record. The first time he does it it's a nervous "I don't know what I'm supposed to be saying and it seems too quiet—oh I've got a solution" but soon it's just. A thing he does. Sir Pent gradually goes from "what? seriously? this is what you're doing?" to "lmao you dork" to "well I guess I now have a new kink I will never be able to get rid of, thanks." Sometimes he'll shakily sing along and Alastor's guts will melt into warm goo.

So there's a general overview of the more, like, normal stuff they get up to. Considering that their shared hobbies include things like "murder" and "being better than everyone else" and one of them is a cannibal, I'm sure that once they get down the basics they just get weirder. Copious amounts of blood get involved! Not their own blood. Other people's.

#(the content under the cut is of course very n s f w)#radiosnake #hazbin hotel #alastor #sir pentious #anonymous #ask #headcanons

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