#but i’m not! and i wasn’t! i was 13 and i shouldn’t feel afraid of him anymore but WELL FUCK i guess trauma doesn’t fucking work that way

[ruined-razor]

i don’t know what this means and i feel funny in my gut and really cold but im curiousterrifiedscreamandrungetawayfromhimthisiswrongidontwanttowhyishedoingthis fine

[nochukoo97]

boyfriend drabbles (pt.13)

pairing: jungkook x reader

summary: after you and jungkook’s argument, you decide to sleep in the guest room, not wanting to see him. but when a thunderstorm strikes, you find yourself back in your boyfriend’s arms.

word count: 500+

boyfriend drabbles masterlist!

You’re staring blankly at the light on the ceiling, its glare causing a strain in your eyes to slowly form.

Sighing as you wrap yourself tighter under the blanket, the sound of the rain pattering against the window of the guest room fills the air.

You know that the right way to resolve your argument with Jungkook wasn’t to hide in the guest room of his apartment, but rather to talk it out with him.

But you were way too emotionally unstable to even begin to talk to your boyfriend, afraid the moment he says something to you, that you would lose all control over your emotions.

The argument you had an hour ago replays in your mind, you’re overthinking and cursing at yourself for saying some things.

Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at Jungkook. But to be fair he had raised his voice at you in frustration, which ticked you off at the point of time.

Both of you had been in the wrong, blaming each other for it when it was a huge misunderstanding. But both of you were equally too stubborn to apologise first.

You jolt and squeak in shock as a huge rumble of thunder rings through the air, you should have expected it considering the flash of lightning that came before that.

The light in the guest room gives way, causing the whole room to turn into a void of darkness.

You only hear Jungkook’s muffled gasp from outside the room, before you begin to hide under the blanket in petrifying fear.

It was a stupid fear you had, you weren’t even scared of horror movies, yet the darkness had brought out another side of you, making you vulnerable and scared, of not being able to see your surroundings.

Normally, you always had Jungkook to run to, your boyfriend who would oh-so-sweetly comfort you and embrace you in his hold, whispering sweet nothings into your ear.

But this time instead of running to you, Jungkook is hesitant, he’s standing outside the guest bedroom, unsure if he should step in to embrace you like he always does, or if you would push him away because of your unresolved conflicts.

Your boyfriend immediately cranks open the door knob the moment he hears a sob emit from inside the room, rushing over in the darkness, tripping over something on the floor.

He spots you curled up under the blankets in the darkness, but he can barely see from the lack of light in the house.

“Baby,” Jungkook hushes you as he guides you to sit in his lap, your face now buried in his chest as your tears soak his shirt.

He can feel your hands grip onto his shirt, as you sob, body shaking.

Given the chance to, you would’ve probably stayed mad at him, but you were so terrified being alone, in the darkness, not being able to see anything at all.

“Kook,” You sob as Jungkook shushes you, trying his best to comfort your crying self.

“Jagi, I’m right here, breathe for me yeah?” He’s whispering in your ear, tightening his hold on you.

Jungkook guides you to lay on the bed with him, as he let’s you cry into his chest.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you Gguk,” You hiccup between sobs, feeling terrible that Jungkook had put aside everything to come and console you even thought you had been screaming at him earlier.

“Baby, it’s okay,” He laughs, petting your head, “We’ll talk it out when you feel better ‘kay?”

You nod, snuggling deeper into his hold as your sobs turn into sniffles.

[julihehe]

Malleus Draconia Valentine Headcanons

SFW

Be prepared to wake up with rose petals all over you, your bed or your room in general (he is a hopeless romantic)

He also made you breakfast (don’t worry, Silver helped him instead of Lilia)

will literally clinge onto you the ENTIRE day (will even wait outside the bathroom if you pee- But don’t be mad at him for that cause dragon fae instincts, yk?)

will gift you expensive necklaces and stuff (to “secretly” claim you as his)

AHEM-

dies dragon fae-courting-rituals without you knowing (seriously, who would?), like gifting you pretty rocks and stuff

probably takes a longer night walk with you

NSFW [Minors do not interact!]

{!Warnings!: vaginal + anal, two cock, mentioning of nudity} As his now mate, you are HIS and he is YOURS. No buts! So it shouldn’t be a surprise for you (at least in Malleus’ opinion) that he sleeps in the same bed as you, right? So here you were, your bare back pressed against his bare chest while feeling his two cocks against your bare rear. He said he won’t have sex with you until marriage and yet… there was this heat emerging from his body and that urge in your already leaking core. Yet before you could start to let your imagination drift, Malleus’ right index finger was parting and massaging your wet folds. “Oh my dear child of man… you’re so eager for me already, aren’t you?” he whispered in his alluring rich voice. “Usually I mark my words, but I’m afraid I cannot deny my treasure’s needs for pleasure, now can I?” he asked, his warm breath brushing over your neck before he takes in the scent of your arousal, making his cocks harden. And with that, he started to tenderly prepare both your pussy and asshole with his fingers before entering one of his 13 inches cocks in each one. And so, your night of pleasure begun…

Gosh hello guys, I’m sorry if it was bad due I rushed it :( But I hope you could enjoy and I hope it wasn’t too cringe- (first time writing NSFW lmao)

Anyway, requests are open for Twisted Wonderland, Slashers, Record of Ragnarok, Genshin and much more (just write the fandom behind the character_s)!

[latenightbreezeinheaven]

Natal aspects from my natal chart + my personal experiences (planets in houses) *Part-1* ☃️

First of all, these are my experiences due to my personal placements in my natal chart so please take them with a pinch of salt. They are not facts. Every placement has good and bad sides and I’m not an astrologer too.

Saturn in 1st house

🖤Since I was a child, I was taught to be able to stand on my own feet and stay alone. My mother said she tried to stay away from me both physically and mentally as possible as she could because she was afraid that I would be too much emotionally attached to her. I was extremely soft and I relied on my parents at that time, so they didn’t want me to grow up as a weak person. That’s why I never tried again to rely on my parents, mostly emotionally because I know that I am the only one who has to pull myself up again and they aren’t.

🖤I have issues with my self-image and appearance, especially my body, since I was about 12 or 13. I feel like I’m not beautiful and I don’t meet up to this generation’s beauty standards.😐

🖤According to my mother, I started talking at about 3 or I guess even 4. It’s considered a bit late compared to my cousins and my brother. I don’t know if this placement is related to my talking stages but my speech was delayed and it was at the first stage of my life so yeah.🤷🏻‍♀️

🖤I think I’m responsible for every matter that happens around me even though I didn’t cause them.

🖤My parents have expected me to take care of my brother and his needs since I was about 10 and he was 5. I had to console him whenever he cried and I had to feed him, cook for him when they worked etc. They put too many responsibilities on my shoulders from the start so I wasn’t really carefree as a child.

🖤I’m also extremely hard on myself. I want to be perfect in every scenario and I feel this need to come out as a strong and independent person.

🖤My mother told me that when I was a newborn baby, I already looked like a 3-year-old kid. My facial appearances looked mature and till now, a lot of people still think I’m a lot older than I really am.😭

🖤My parents, especially my mom is really strict and they also have very high expectations on me. I feel judged by them quite often even when I’m doing well academically.

🖤They are also conservative, especially my mom. She yells at me whenever I tell her that I want to have a boyfriend but I don’t want to marry him and I will just live together and sleep with him. (It’s quite forbidden in our country and publicly considered as something we shouldn’t do).😂

🖤I am prone to anxiety. I often have anxiety attacks and I bite nails a lot too.

🖤Saturn also conjuncts my ascendant, so people also often tell me that I have prominent high cheekbones and I also think it’s true. But jawline? My jawline doesn’t look Capricorn rising-nish. I’m not also tall and slim. Actually, my body depicts exactly what a cancer rising with a cancer stellium would look like.

Lilith in 1st house

💃I’m not sexualized directly by men but every man I’ve met always wanted to chat with me about sex only. It’s really weird because my friends also have boyfriends but none of their boyfriends treats them like a sex toy. And I feel like a sex toy among those guys. They don’t want to take me out on dates and instead, they just want sex. I can’t tell if that is “sexualization” but I also get comments about my body a lot in both positive and negative ways.

💃Anyways, apart from men, I get stared a lot, not in a sexual way but in a more curious way like I’m an alien or some mythical creature popped out of a 13th century novel book.😂😭

💃I was also outcasted by my friends most of the times because they thought I’m too slutty (they said it themselves behind me). My ex friends bullied me and slut-shamed me so I have become a bad bitch since then. That’s why I don’t really care about friends in my life. They’re not my priority. Normally, I’m really bubbly and friendly but at times, my bitchy side comes up and forces me to stay detached from friends and never trust them.

💃Another thing I experience is I always have problems with authority figures. I hate it when someone uses their power to win something unfairly. But on the other hand, I’m secretly in love with authority and power because I want to own them and use them in a good way.

💃Some people also tell me that when they make an eye contact with me, they feel intense and intimidated but also warm and comforted at the same time (probably my cancer rising again lol).

💃I’m rebellious and I love weird outfits which are different from others.

💃I’m a bit open-minded when it comes to sexual matters (except when some random guy talks about sex out of nowhere for like 3 hours straight). I don’t feel ashamed to discuss about sex education whereas my friends see that as a taboo topic in the society.

💃I hate my body when I can’t fit into some outfits that I love but I love to touch it a lot and I also love to sleep naked (except I can’t sleep naked anymore after my parents found out about that).😭😭

💃However, the room doesn’t go silent when I enter. I’m not that powerful though.

💃I also don’t care about what other people think about me. It’s like “fuck off” vibes coming out from me since I got bullied.

Moon in 3rd house

📚People tell me I’m smart. I don’t get compliments about how pretty I am but I get ones about how intelligent I am. However, I don’t really think I’m THAT smart but maybe almost. HAHAHHAH😝

📚I love to express myself by writing out on a paper or on websites or on apps like this. I just love to turn my emotions into sentences and sometimes they turn into short stories. Writing releases my stress.

📚I love to write and read a lot. A book, a cat and gallons of iced coffee are enough for me in a day.

📚By traveling, I gain knowledge, inspiration and happiness. It’s my stress reliever for all time.

📚I love to ride cars too (I know it’s weird but I even had a childhood dream in which I live in a van and travel around the country).

📚I love my brother a lot and I have a very affectionate and friendly bond with him. I also try so hard to get along well with my cousins and stay friendly with them even though they’re a bit fake.🙄

📚Back to my brain. My primary teachers always complimented me about my intelligence and my grades and I was always the one who got first prize in every year for 5 years straight. Not bragging but it’s true.🤣

📚My moods change very often and my mind is scattered. It’s like a wide field with multiple places to hide and suddenly, a clown shows up from nowhere out of the blue! For instance, at first, I’m on instagram. Then after a minute, I remember to reply dms so I go onto messenger. Then, not even a minute later, I’m on TikTok again. Then, I’m on Reddit. It’s like soooo scattered that I don’t even know how to describe. I think my anxiety attacks also come from this placement.

📚I’m not grounded. I like to meditate but I can’t be consistent about it because of my intrusive thoughts. I jump from one topic to another very quickly when I talk.

📚I’m not a very good listener. I’m always ready to talk about various topics. So if I listen to someone very patiently, then he/she is important to me or I’m going to ghost them soon so I’m being patient in the present time loll😭

📚I overthink a lot and I tend to forget about a lot of things too. On the other hand, I also have a photographic memory about certain events like how my mom breastfed me. I remember what she wore and how she looked very vividly although I was just about 1 or 2 at that time but I don’t remember what I ate as a breakfast this morning. Strange right?

📚I love to learn foreign languages because they challenge me and intrigue me!

📚I’m also curious about everything and often have questions like “how were the oceans created?” “were Adam and Eve real people or just myth?” and my thoughts spiral into a big infinite hole and I get detached from the reality and my eyes are like 💀DEAD💀.

📚I also tend to turn my emotions into a problem to be solved instead of accepting and dealing with them. I observe me and my feelings from the third party view and respond to them logically. It’s not that I’m not emotional but I rationalize my feelings from another perspective.

📚I love to contain full stops, exclamation marks, question marks at the end of every sentence. If someone doesn’t do that, I judge them secretly LMAO.😭

Jupiter in 3rd house

🪄You can say that I’m quite lucky when it comes to education. I stand out among others since I was a child due to my education success. My parents could also support my education financially unlike right now, they’re struggling for my brother’s.

🪄I am a quick learner and I have a large vocabulary. I love to use advanced words in my language (Burmese).

🪄I am also quite talkactive but only with people I’m comfortable with. However, most of the time, I get into trouble for talking too much. I spill all the tea without any intentions but that drags me into a big mess and that’s why I have to control myself a lot when I communicate with someone, not to share gossips or else I’ll be in trouble again.

🪄Most of the times, people think I exaggerate a lot but I don’t.

🪄I hate HATE misspellings. They irritate me Periodt.

🪄I’m also open-minded and not afraid to observe from other perspectives. But my beliefs are so strong like try to attack them and I’ll kick you out of my life forever.🦵🏼

🪄I love learning about various things and I also like to be seen as a nerd. As long as I’m learning something, I feel valuable and precious.

🪄I prefer intelligence to beauty. When I say intelligence, it’s not only about studies but also about the keys in communication, how to eat and drink with manners, how to fight back people with wits etc. I’m quite of a sapiosexual. I get turned off when someone doesn’t know about something they should know. I get turned on when someone is intelligent and knows exactly how to talk to someone. Appearances matters too but not very important as long as they have brains.🧠

🪄I also love to see arguments (not in an aggressive way) and I always guess why they have their own opinions by trying to be in their shoes. And I get turned on when someone I already admire gets passionate in intellectual arguments wisely.🥵

Pluto in 6th house

⚡️I love hardworking people and I also try hard to perform well in my daily routines. I put efforts even into tiny cases.

⚡️I have a very strong will when it comes to my career and I hate being told what to do. I’m still at college so I have zero experience about work places but I think I would be obsessed with my work because that’s how I imagine myself to be.🤓

⚡️When I get emotional, I try to stay as productive as I can and I shift my focus onto my daily routines, my studies and my ambition to suppress them. I know it’s bad but I can’t deal with all of them. Emotions are weakness for me.

⚡️I love and hate routines at the same time. My Gemini sun and 3rd house moon hate them but my Virgo moon and 6th house Pluto love them.

⚡️I get stressed out a lot when my routines are ruined. For example, I even feel like my life is a mess if I didn’t finish some work in a limited time. I want to cry when I’m not productive and I go on self-destruction mode if I feel like that. I waste more time if I know I’m not doing enough. And then I cry. And the cycle repeats. So, the only way to keep myself happy is to stay productive and to be perfect in every work I do.

⚡️I’m also very competitive among my peers (my mars Aries doubles it).

TW: Eating disorder

⚡️I hate diets and workouts (I don’t know if this is related to Pluto in 6th house though). I have three personal planets in hard aspect to Pluto. I also have an eating disorder. I’m trying to maintain my balance again but it falls back every time. Either I binge or I restrict shockingly. There’s no in-between. Right now, I’m in my binging era with inconsistent workouts (even though I HATEEE workouts).

⚡️I love cats but cats don’t love me I guess. Whenever I look in the eyes of cats, they get scared of me and run away without hesitation. But they love to receive cuddles from me and they let me pet them though.🥺

This is the end of this post and thank you for reading to the end. Have a great day fellows!

Part-2 will be about planets in 7th house to 12th house!!✨

[satashiiwrites]

Snippet Sunday

Wasn’t tagged but up at 0200 because of jet lag and writing so, why not?

Tagging with no pressure @monsterrae1 @rosieposiepuddingnpie @outtoshatter @tkwritesdumbassassins @missanniewhimsy @whimsyswastry @quietborderline and anyone else who wants to play along.

Graphics by me.

Title: Family, Familia, ‘Ohana, Chapter 13: Debriefing

Fandom: 911, H50, SWAT

Pairings: Buddie, McDanno, platonic Deacon/Hondo

Fic summary:

When one family seems lost another comes back from the past. But does Buck want to return to the past or live in the present? And does his present lead to a future he wants? Only he can answer these questions but Steve at least will be there to support him.

Tags/warnings: first draft. NavySeal!Buck. Set post tsunami/lawsuit era.

Where’s an oubliette when you need one?

“Joe… I…”

“I need you to trust me one last time, Steve,” Joe says, words heavy. “Let me correct my mistake. I’ve never been a coward, and I’m not afraid to correct my error.”

“You’re not a coward.”

“I’m glad you think that, but my actions were partially motivated by fear when they shouldn’t have been.”

“What do you mean?” Steve feels like he’s missing something. 

Joe sighs, blue eyes pinning Steve in place easily and reminding him of the occasional scolding he’d received as both a child and a seal trainee. “Steve, it was different back when you were a kid. You should know. I mean, you and Freddie—“

“Freddie was my best friend.

Joe closes his mouth and presses his lips together, expression unimpressed with Steve’s factual statement. “He was more than that, and I think you’ve found that again with Williams. Don’t be like me, Steve. You know nobody is promised tomorrow after Freddie.”

Steve chews on his cheek. “Buck said the same thing.”

“Kid is observant. You trained him well and should be proud of him.”

“I am every day.”

[herofics]

Hii!!I hope your day has been great!!can I request for a headcanon/short fic of todoroki x reader with a Hanahaki au?I'd like it to be angst, as todoroki can't return the feelings?(as he wants to focus on school ectera)(since I think this falls under young character death that you don't write for,maybe reader takes the surgery to remove the love?)

My limit for a young character's death is like under 13, so this doesn't fall under that, but since you mentioned the surgery, I went with that. I wasn't really sure what I was gonna write for this at first, but HCs it is because I couldn’t come up with a scenario I was happy with. I’m not really good with Hanahaki stuff tbh, so this might be a bit all over the place and not accurate, but it’s my version of the whole thing

•You’d decided to confess your feeling to your friend via a letter, you weren’t very good at expressing your emotions through speaking, so you’d decided to write to him, since that’s what you were good at

•Besides, then you wouldn’t have to be afraid of stumbling over your words or about getting misunderstood

•So you gave him the letter one lunch break and told him to open it after school

•Todoroki put the letter in his school bag and didn’t think much of it

•Sure he’d heard of love letters, even gotten a few himself in middle school, but he’d always turned the people down as kindly as he was able to and he really wasn’t expecting this it to be that

•He’d never thought of you in a romantic way, you were a good friend, nothing more, nothing less

•So when he read the letter, he had to do a bit of a double take

•He was surprised to say the least, and he didn’t really know how he would tell you he didn’t feel the same

•Todoroki is a pretty blunt person, so in the end he just decided to tell you how he felt about your confession

•So he came to knock on your dorm room door to give you back the letter and to reject your feelings

•You listened as he explained he wasn’t interested in dating anyone and that he wanted to focus on school

•In reality you wanted to cry, but you just smiled at him and told him you understood and that he shouldn’t worry about it

•Todoroki sort of assumed this wouldn’t affect your friendship, but he was of course wrong about that

•That night you started coughing the first time, you didn’t really think anything of it, but as the weeks went by the tightness in your chest worsened and when you coughed up the first petals, you knew what was going on 

•You had started pulling away from Todoroki already, but your feelings weren’t gone, you just tried to pretend they were

•You didn’t know what to do, you didn’t want to die, but you really didn’t want to get rid of your love for him either

•When Todoroki noticed what was ailing you, he tried to make it better, he tried to make himself love you, but he couldn’t

•Even if you’d pulled away from him, he still considered you a good friend and didn’t want you to get hurt

•He was the one who suggested you get the surgery, because he didn’t want to lose his friend

•You ended up the surgery, and while it saved your life, things were never the same after that

•Your feelings were sort of dampened for a long time after the surgery and you didn’t really feel things like affection or love at all

•Your friendships suffered because of that too, but in the end things went at least a bit back to normal

•You and Todoroki weren’t really the same after that, your friendship dissolved over time, but he was just glad you were alive even if you weren’t in contact anymore

[imdonnalynn]

You Hesitated, I Didn't (1/1) REPOST

Summary: Why did River hesitate to shoot Mal down in the maidenhead? Why did Mal bring her back on board? Prequel to You Broke Me, But In A Good Way

Pairing: Malcolm Reynolds/River Tam

Rating: PG-13

Word Count: 695

Warnings: Language, violence, outcome of mental, psychological and physical abuse at the hands of a government agency.

A/N: Another repost of mine from over a decade ago.

Disclaimer: The characters of Firefly (series) / Serenity (film) do not belong to me so do not sue me for copywrite infringement.

----------

“You hesitated…why’d you hesitate?” Mal whispered hauntingly running a hand through his spiked hair uneasily. River…he thought he understood her as best as anyone could. How wrong he was. Question was…was she a person or a weapon to be triggered at a moment's notice? His thoughts ran rampant, and River could hear and feel every single one of them as if they were her own. With him being so close and his emotions so raw she could barely shield herself from them. It was always hard to shield from Mal. Little did he know she wasn’t asleep but feigning sleep. She was too afraid to open her eyes in fear of his reaction. She could feel his anger, concern, fear and confusion.

He was angry at Simon, angry at her, for not telling him the whole truth about what was done to her. Angry that she could have snapped at any time and hurt one of the crew or worse, killed them. Concern over the crew and what was going to happen next. The fear she could understand. He saw her in action, and she scared herself, so she knew even Mal had to be unsettled. His confusion is what puzzled her…that was something else entirely.

In the maidenhead when she was triggered everything was so precise, so clear, every punch, every kick landed as it should have, but when she drew down on Mal…she hesitated…a full two seconds…why did she hesitate? She did not know the answer to her own question. Did Mal somehow break through her conditioning? Had the eight months aboard Serenity finally start to help her? It was too early to tell but she was hopeful. Serenity felt more like home than any place ever had. Now she feared she would have to leave that home…for the crew’s sake.

“What are you, River?” he asked himself to stare down at her, unaware of her conscious form.

I don’t know…she whispered inside her mind. I can’t tell where I end and where I begin anymore. Too many secrets, too many illusions, too many walls…everything’s a dead end at a new path…

“I don’t care what you believe…just believe…” she whispered feeling Mal’s gaze upon her.

At her voice Mal was startled out of his own thoughts. “River?” he didn’t know if she was awake or if she was talking in her sleep.

She shook her head against the grated floor. “No…” she whispered. “…it’s broken.” She laced her fingers into the grated floor as if she were trying to figure out a puzzle.

Mal tilted his head down at her. “What’s broken River?” he tried to keep a quiet soothing tone.

“Miranda,” she said.

“Miranda?” he returned. “What’s Miranda?” he knew it was pointless to ask a simple question but what the hell.

She studied her hand for a moment then sat up and turned her gaze to stare him in the eye. “Death…” she then started to tear up. “It’s not mine…it isn’t mine and I shouldn’t have to carry it!” she quietly started to cry and brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “I’m like a toy that everyone wants to play with.”

Mal was in front of her before he realized what he was doing. “Now you listen to me little one,” he tipped her chin to make her look at him. “You’re nobody’s toy xiao mei?”

She laughed, “Bullet to me? Right in the brain pan, squish!”

He shook his head realizing what she sensed from earlier and put a finger to her lips, “Don’t talk like that River…” he trailed off as she started into a rant.

“Always something, never anything, all the same, why can’t it at least slow down,” she cried a few tears falling down her face.

Mal sighed and wiped them away cupping her face.

“Why did you bring me back?” she whispered against his hand helplessly. “Things are only going to get much, much worse.”

There was a long silence between them.

“Why did you hesitate?”

She slowly looked into his eyes and they both had their answers to their questions…they don’t know why, but they’ll understand some day.

THE END

Read sequel You Broke Me, But In A Good Way

[kannymaei]

The Perfect Girl - Chapter 13 (Kamisato Ayato x Reader)

Author’s Note: All characters are OOC! Please be reminded that this fanfic is Modern! AU and Highschool! AU and none of this are canons to the actual lore of Genshin Impact. I do not own Genshin Impact or the characters in the game!

Synopsis: You were a graduating high school student who somehow got involved in unfortunate events and transferred to Teyvat International School. Due to your “complicated” physical features, you became the main target of the school’s “bully”, Kamisato Ayato! Together with his friends, Diluc Ragnvindr, Tartaglia, and Arataki Itto.

Word Count: 3.2k

Taglist: @frieschan @nejibot ​​​

Masterlist

Next -> Chapter 14

“I need to talk to him.”

“I need to talk to her… We have a lot of things to sort out.”

—

It has been three months since that incident which means it is already December. Kamisato Ayato has been avoiding everyone and he probably went home schooling for a bit and no one has heard anything from him.

The affair broke out in the news and has affected the Kamisato Family significantly. Ayato has been taking this incident hard which can also be the reason why he was avoiding everyone. The good thing is that the news stopped pestering Ayato after a month.

Guuji Yae somehow disappeared since that day and was nowhere to be found. 

Aether has transferred schools and hasn't contacted anyone including his sister. 

Kamisato Ayaka looked so much better than she was back then. She began doing the things she loved as a child.

Diluc Ragnvindr has been extremely cold towards you.

Tartaglia and Arattaki Itto are a special case, their treatment towards you and other people remained the same. 

Lumine has told you everything that happened that night and like Childe and Itto, she remained civil and was glad her brother wasn't contacting her.

…

Ayato was so preoccupied about his responsibilities in his family that he forgot that it’s that time of the year already.

(I suppose I wouldn’t attend this year’s Christmas ceremony before the students proceed to their winter break because of that incident.) He said to himself while he fixed the books on the shelves of his study room.

“I, Y/N L/N, will soon be the wife and lady of the Kamisato clan!” The younger version of you said confidently to a young Ayato that was completely stunned, amazed, and felt excited about the future with you.

Ayato felt a sudden headache that disrupted his work. It was so painful that he couldn't concentrate on the papers he was signing.

(My memories of her… It’s gradually coming back… Hah… at unexpected times.) He said to himself. Ayato was smiling as these memories came back to him and he does not see this as a nuisance to his work. He’d love to stop working just for his happy memories to come back in a day or even a week.

He continued his work despite the headache but reading and writing papers did not help in the process. 

“Who is she?” You asked innocently to Ayato.

“Ah, that’s the youngest daughter of our servants, Guuji Yae. She’s quite shy and doesn't interact with people in the household that much." You and Ayato looked at the girl that's peeking in one of the rooms far away. 

"I used to play some games with her since my mother told me that children shouldn't do household chores until you begin coming to my house." Ayato added and made a wide smile indicating that he was so happy that he met someone like you. 

"We should go invite her with us sometimes! That way she won't feel left out!" You replied and happily walked your way across the rooms towards her. Every step forward near her, Guuji Yae starts to get frightened because she thinks that you're annoyed with her peeking out. 

"M-my lady…" Ayato then whispered, "I just want to be alone with you.".

"I-I'm sorry! It's just I haven't seen you around here a long time ago hence I'm curious why y-you're here with Lord Ayato…" Guuji Yae bowed her head and apologized to you. 

"Don't be afraid Guuji Yae, I'm here to ask you to come with us and play!" You held her hand and dragged her back to Ayato. 

"The three of us should hang out more… The more the merrier!" You said and hugged the two of them closer. Ayato seemed bothered and Guuji Yae seemed surprised that she's being treated like a normal person and not like someone with a lower class. 

You, Ayato, and Guuji Yae spent the whole afternoon playing with each other. From drawing stuff, playing instruments, to playing house. 

You and Ayato had to teach Guuji Yae some things she's not familiar with such as drawing basic shapes and naming each of it. Unlike you, her family can't afford education.

Ayato didn't seem to enjoy hanging out whenever Guuji Yae is around but you didn't let it bother you. 

The day ended and you had to bid farewell to the Kamisato Family. Ayato's mother is quite busy with his newborn sibling that they named "Ayaka" which is why she wasn't able to accompany you as usual. 

He was upset that you had to go soon.

(I still am…) He said in his mind while checking the binders that were piled. 

Later that night, Guuji Yae was dragged harshly in the storage room by her parents.

“You know you do not belong with those two!” Her father grabbed her hair and Guuji Yae was tearing up, begging to let go of her hair.

“F-father! Lady Y/N was the one who asked me to hang out with them… I… I didn’t force myself to be with them…” She begged while holding the hand of her father to ease the pain a little bit.

“Haven't you realized it yet Miko?” The father stated as he was furious about his dumb daughter.

“Ayato only knows you as the girl he's been close with his entire life not until that Y/N bitch came in! You could have been that girl he was willing to marry but she got in the way! Father has a plan, so be a good girl and follow my orders.” Her father let go of her hair and smirked on the way out formulating the accident.

Since the accident, Guuji Yae’s mind was set on stealing Ayato away from you. Truth be frank, her family’s plan was already 90% done as soon as your parents were murdered, not until you and Ayato’s path has crossed again for the one last time. 

(I never liked Miko as a child not until she convinced me she was Y/N. I was too dumb to see through their lies.) He sighed in disappointment.

(I have decided… I wouldn’t tell Y/N about my memories of her. Not until she asks about it because I don’t want her to remember any of her painful memories.) He added but he was oblivious that you already regained your memories since you were confined in the hospital.

“You are my princess that I admire dearly.”

“The rose that I am willing to hold despite her deadly thorns.”

“No bullet can pierce your elegant body when I am here to shield you.”

“And as your knight, I am sworn to carry your burdens.”

“My dear Fille parfaite (Perfect Girl)” Ayato said, ending the short poem only the two of you know.

“Fille Parfaite” was a nickname he gave you when you were young. You were his perfect girl and he knew the first time he saw you that it wasn’t just love at first sight. There was something interesting about your personality that piqued his attention, he would love to dive deep down into your soul and explore your life.

Kamisato Ayato was really happy reminiscing your memories because he hasn’t felt anything like this his entire life.

There’s something bothering him though, apologizing to you and making you fall in love with him. For once, he knew he needed to set things right. It sounds like a dick move to apologize just because he remembered his memories, it has to be sincere.

To be honest, he felt like he had fallen deeply in love with you even before remembering his memories but he was just in denial. He stopped working for a bit and searched on google how to apologize sincerely, how to make someone fall in love with you when you did bad things to them,

—

“Then? What happened next?” You were so interested in listening to Lumine’s story. There’s five of you in the library, Lumine, Diluc, Childe, Itto, and you.

“C-calm down Y/N… Look at Diluc, he’s calm.” Childe assisted you back to your seat or else the librarian would scold you. You knew that Diluc has been giving you a cold shoulder ever since… he confessed his love to you.

“Okay so…” Lumine continued.

…

…

…

“Ayato, I’m sorry!” Guuji Yae begged while looking at the man whose eyes didn't reveal any shine at all.

“W-what can I do for you to forgive me?!” She curled up in the corner afraid of everything that Kamisato Ayato might do.

Ayato looked down at her menacingly, his face said it all. He was angry, disgusted, annoyed, and most of all… He despises Guuji Yae and her family because of the things that they caused to ruin his family and his relationships with other people.

“Guuji Yae… There’s nothing you can do but pay for the sins you and your family committed. You, out of all people, should know that there is nothing you can do in order to redeem yourself.” He coldly responded, no hints of emotions were shown in his eyes. Everyone in the room could feel the cold aura of Kamisato Ayato.

There was a long pause with his words and in between those minutes, Diluc returned to the room.

“Diluc! Where the hell have you been?! We’ve been looking for you the whole time… This event is a mess!” Childe held Diluc by his shoulders and shook him a little.

“He was busy trying to steal someone else’s woman.” Ayato didn’t look back while he spoke, he continued to stare at Miko and Aether.

"Someone's woman?" Childe looked at Ayato and Diluc. He was quick to realize what happened and why Ayato said that.

(Could it be? He remembers Y/N?) Childe was lost in his thoughts. 

"Ayato… do you?—'' When he was about to ask Auato, he spreaded out his palm in front of him, indicating that he should not speak any further.

“Yes, I do.” He said and that was the moment when Guuji Yae realized what she had done. The hit that Ayato took to protect Ayaka was her biggest mistake, because of that, Ayato finally remembers everything even if it’s just a little. It was very clear that he could see through everyone’s lies.

“A few days from now, your family will be punished for all of the sins that you have comitted, this includes the murder of my parents, the murder of Y/N’s parents, the so-called accident that me and Y/N got involved, and lastly, for stealing my family’s precious treasures and wealths. In the name of the Kamisato Family, death is justice.” When Guuji Yae heard the last sentence, she kneeled and bowed her head to Ayato. 

No hint of mercy was seen from his eyes, he wasn’t being delusional, it’s just he can no longer explain his emotions. He was a deemed respectable, composed, and matured man that knew punching or hurting Aether or Yae Miko isn’t a choice since he believes that justice should be served in the court where everyone is equal and it doesn’t matter if you are rich or not.

“A-Ayato! P-Please! D-don’t execute me and my family!” Guuji Yae pleaded, her tears had been streaming non-stop since they were caught. She didn’t care if she was just in a rob and some of her body was being seen, all she wanted right now is to be forgiven by Ayato.

“Apology is not accepted. All I want is justice for the Kamisato and L/N Family, if I were to have mercy on you. I’d let you live but never show your face again in this city. If I see you anywhere here, I’ll immediately have someone assassinate you. I’ve grown some respect from you back then but I am regretting that I did, you truly belong to a place full of dirt. Just seeing your filthy face makes me want to step on you.” Everyone in the room was just listening to Ayato, everyone was scared of intervening his words. This was the first time everyone saw Ayato angry.

“I assume the daughter of the Kujuo family also knew about these schemes.” Ayato glared at Kujuo Sara that made her jump on her place.

“L-lord Ayato… I do know about it b-but…” Sara was so nervous replying to him because she was scared that her family might be included in the execution.

“But Guuji Yae threatened you that she would hurt your family if you told anyone about it. I understand, an apology is accepted.” He said and smiled at her. There was a huge sigh of relief coming from Sara’s mouth.

“I am waiting for your family’s execution, Guuji Yae. Now scram and never show your face in front of me, my friends, my family, and most importantly, my Y/N L/N.” He said before departing in the room, he pulled out his phone to give orders on arresting each of the members of Guuji Yae’s family before he realized he left something so important. That there was still a celebration on going and has been waiting for him and Ayaka.

—

He got downstairs and went to the stage, holding the mic, and spoke.

“I am very sorry to tell you that the party's over, something important came up and I need to dismiss each one of you today.” There were loud noises and whispers from the crowd, who are currently curious what took the siblings so long and now he announced that everything is over.

A certain man smirked and turned his back, walking straight forward to the door and left the venue. Kamisato Ayato has his eyes on this man since the event started, he wonders what secrets that this man holds.

—

“A-ayato is truly scary…” You said wrapping your arms around yourself thinking how he got a whole family sentenced to death, you wondered what kind of power does he hold in the country for him to order things like that.

“Now that I think of it, Miko was partially at fault but she did a lot of things to you as well when you came to this school. She was on the verge of Ayato’s mercy so he considered for her to disappear instead of being killed with her family.” Lumine stated, you could see on her face how much she despised remembering what happened that day.

“Can we talk about how there’s a new student again at the end of the semester?” Itto said, averting the topic.

“And where did you hear about Itto?” Diluc said he was disappointed at Itto who believes immediately to rumors instead of searching for facts before telling it to them.

“C-come on? You don’t believe me, I heard it from Sara. She doesn’t like rumors, you know that.” He said in his defense.

“Now that I think of it, there are rumors about a new student. I do know that Itto isn’t making it up or lying about it. One of the things that caught my attention is that this student is on par with Ayato.” Childe said, also defending Itto.

“Oh yeah! I heard some of the girls were fangirling at how handsome he was. I'm honestly curious about his appearance, it made me feel like I wanted to see him.” Lumine added, thinking of how it was possible for someone to be on par with Ayato.

“H-how come this was the first time I’m hearing about it?” You said you were so focused on your studies that you didn’t know there was a rumor about a new student, you just assumed that you’re the only transferee for this year.

—

???’s POV

(This university has never failed to amaze me. Its architecture is so refined that it reminded me of someone that loves everything about buildings.) He thought while walking through the hallways with large windows revealing students either eating or hanging out with their friends.

(The heir and the heiress of the Kamisato family reside here, it’s a shame that the Guuji family tainted their reputation. I always had a feeling that family was up to no good, it made my family wonder why the Kamisato family took them as their servants.)

(As for Lady Ilia’s daughter…)

A/N: Ilia is the name of Y/N’s Mother, although I am not quite sure if I revealed it a few chapters before since I searched for that word in every chapter and I can’t find it.

(Lady Ilia, your death was truly unfortunate. But your beauty has never escaped the grasps of my father, up to this day, he still wonders why you chose another man instead of him.)

(I am curious what your daughter looks like… and if she’s enough to be my wife.)

(If Ayato doesn’t want you, then I will.)

—

Truth be frank, this man does not have any bad intentions towards you. He simply became fond of you since your family resurfaced in public a long time ago. 

—

In the meantime, you parted ways with your friends since you needed to get something from your locker. You knew you had to return quickly to your friends so you ran and ran to the stairway. You wanted to show your friends an artwork that you did which is like a reply to the artwork you and Ayato did a long time ago, it is also the first time that you were alone in his bedroom.

You were careless with your steps and you missed two of them that caused you to fall down. You wished for someone to catch you as your arms were short enough to hold on the hand rails, in the end, you closed your eyes waiting for your doom, hopefully you don’t get sprained again like you did back then.

You remembered how it was Diluc who carried you and brought you to the hospital, little did you know that he had some feelings for you from the beginning but you didn’t notice it.

Not until you felt yourself pressed into someone’s body.

“O-ouch!” You said, you looked up to that someone who fell with you.

“I should be the one saying that, after all. You are, in fact, on top of me.” He said.

Your eyebrows crossed wondering who this person is, you haven’t seen someone like him. Your thoughts immediately shifted to what your friends said a few minutes ago, and that is about the new student for the new semester. Although, you felt like you’ve seen him somewhere before but you just can’t point out where.

“I-i’m sorry Sir! Are you alright?!” You asked, he sat down before standing up and offered his hand to assist you as well.

“Yes, I am alright. You’re just careless that you didn’t see someone going up as you go down.” He said in a monotone voice.

“I… I’m really in a hurry right now, I’m sorry but here’s one of my student cards that I give to people who would like to know me. Good thing that I have one in my pockets. I owe you for saving my life from another sprain, kindly contact me if I need to pay for your injuries” You bowed your head and handed it to him before running away.

(Your name and contact number is already enough for me to pay for the minor injuries that you caused me. I am truly delighted to meet Lady Ilia’s daughter…) He said while watching you go out in a rush. 

(I’m quite amazed that you know how to think before you act). 

[hollyhomburg]

After going from a size 12 to a size 6 in one year i have come to three conclusions 

1. i shouldn’t be so hard on myself for not accomplishing much else this year because it was fucking difficult as shit. most of the weight i lost i gained at 13 because of abuse (a traumatic even that triggered me to stay inside and not eat healthy for like 4+ years) and healing my body in this way was apart of overcoming my trauma. because now i no longer have to ask myself “what might my body have looked like if he never made me afraid of going outside?” 

2. ask not what your autism does to you but what it can do /for/ you because once i re-framed working out as apart of my routine it got so easy to try every day. there's also something to be said for learning how to feel in your body without it being a negative sensory experience because it definitely was for the first like the first few years of working out.

 3. As someone who had been mid-sized for their whole adolescence and grew up with a plus sized mom- skinny people treat her so fucking terribly. it’s disgusting how much people try to use my weight transformation to gang up on her and i never will treat her with anything but understanding. and now that i’m skinny she expects me to gang up on her too but i’m like- super super careful to never make her feel like i’m judging her. losing weight wasn’t something i did to gain some sort of one-up over other people- i did it for myself. 

[subbe93]

The Light in my Nightmares, T, Epilogue

A/N: Another story has come to its end. To be honest, this still makes me a little confused that I really can write long fics and give them an end. I mean there are so many stories in the past that I have started but never ended.

The only “bad thing” I have realized with long fics is the fact that you have too much time to get attached to them. I mean I’m working so much for them, but when comes the time to start to work on another fic, I feel like I can’t concentrate on the new one because I’m still somehow locked into the old one ^^’

And the other “problem” is that it kind of makes me sad to end them ^^’ I mean I’m happy that this comes to its end and I can start work and publish other fics that I got in my mind, but it still feels like it’s hard to believe that I’m not editing this fic anymore, there is no new chapter on next week…

But I’m happy that this story ends now. And I’m very happy that you have shown interest in this fic! I hope this was what was hoped for and I hope you have enjoyed this ❤

Prologue ~ Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3 ~ Chapter 4 ~ Chapter 5 ~ Chapter 6 ~ Chapter 7 ~ Chapter 8 ~ Chapter 9 ~ Chapter 10 ~ Chapter 11 ~ Chapter 12 ~ Chapter 13 ~ Chapter 14 ~ Chapter 15 ~ Chapter 16

Epilogue

~ Five years later ~

Mom. Dad. I… I really wish you would be here now. Hah, never thought I would say this out loud or feel like this after we took her down, but today, I… I really hope you would be coming home. I hope you would be somewhere, maybe waiting for an airplane landing or maybe you would be driving back home.

I… I wish you could see me now. I wish you could come home and see how I’m doing or how I have moved forward in my life. I wonder… would you be proud of me? Ran said that you would be.

Yeah, I wish I would have met her much earlier than I did. Well, part of me is happy that I haven’t because I’m afraid I would have lost her like I lost you and… many others. But at the same time, I… I really love her. She is everything, and I wish you would have met her. I wonder if you would have liked her. Well, of course, you would have. I feel like everyone loves her. Makes me pretty jealous when others look after her.

I still feel like she deserves much more. Yet, she always comes back to me. Every time she sees that I’m jealous, she just smiles at me, tell me that I’m all she wants and kisses me. And sometimes I even feel like she is a little jealous of me. Can you believe it? Though, maybe I just think too much, but sometimes she gets mad and I don’t understand why, but… I think that happens when some other woman is talking to me. Still don't get it, but when I asked about it, she didn’t admit anything. Hah, she is kind of cute when she is pouting, but I don’t like to make her mad. She can be like a storm when she is angry.

I also hate to see her sad or worried. Makes me feel powerless because I don’t know what to say or do to make her feel better. But she always says that it’s enough that I’m with her.

I’m also kind of confused that she wanted to marry me, but I’m happy. She makes me so happy.

Shinichi looked on the ground for a moment before turning to look at the safety seat which was beside him. In there was sleeping only a week and a half old little girl. She was a beautiful miracle, something that Shinichi hadn’t believed to have some years ago, after… But now, he had a family. A wife and a little daughter.

He was happy, he really was, but… He felt a little sadness and jealousy since today was the day when their friends and Ran’s parents were coming to meet their little princess for the first time. It wasn’t like he didn’t come along with Ran’s parents. It had been a little rocky beginning since somehow Ran’s father kept Ran still a little daughter who shouldn’t date anyone, and… well, her mother was more likely preconceived towards him, but after all, they had warmed to him.

But the realization that his parents wouldn’t be there, seeing their little miracle, had hit him too hard last night. They wouldn’t be there.

“I… I really wish you would be there to see her too”, Shinichi said silently and touched the baby’s cheek carefully. The baby didn’t mind, just continued her silent sleeping. “See her and get to know her and… be grandparents. Like you probably wanted to be. Who you… deserved to be.”

He heard footsteps. They came closer. He let the baby be and raised his head. Ran walked slowly towards them, smiling like always. He could see from her face that she was a little bit tired, but it wasn’t a surprise since she was the one who had given the birth, and in the end, their weekdays with the baby had taken so much more energy than he had thought. But it was worth it. And like other parents had told them many times, it would be over soon.

“I took those flowers to the trashcan”, she said when she stopped. Shinichi nodded before standing up. They could have taken them when they would have left, but Shinichi believed that Ran just wanted to give him a little moment to be alone. She was an awesome woman like that. She was always so understanding, and sometimes it felt like she read him like an open book.

“Thanks”, he said and straightened his arm. She came closer, clued beside his side, and wrapped her arms around him. He let his cheek rest against her head and looked at the grave, staring at his parents’ names.

“I miss them.”

“I know”, Ran answered, tightening her hug a little. “But I think they would be very proud of you.”

He hummed as an answer. And he believed it. Well, he still regretted some things and wished they would have gone differently, but he had accepted them. He had made peace with the past, and most thanks of it belonged to Ran. She had been there when he had needed her. She had supported him with his dreams and job even though she sometimes was worried and reminded him how dangerous it would be to be a detective. She got worried easily, and Shinichi kind of hated to be a reason for it, but she never told him to stop. She was the light who had driven his nightmares away, the reason why he didn’t have them much anymore. Hallucinations and sudden attacks were only memories, and nightmares he got very rarely anymore.

He felt like he was free. He had let go of the past and moved forward. And she had been there, as she promised.

Now his life seemed so much better.

“I wonder if they would have liked me.”

Shinichi raised his eyebrows even though he knew that she wouldn’t see it. “What?” he asked and let out a little laugh. “They would have loved you.”

She pressed herself closer even though it was impossible. “Are you sure?”

“I am”, he answered and smiled, tightening his arm around her. “I can feel it.”

“You?” she asked and moved a little away from him. Shinichi turned to look at her and saw doubtfully smile on her face. “Feeling things like that?”

“Yeah”, he answered with a proud smile.

Ran rolled her eyes. “And you always tease me when I say things like that!”

He let out a laugh. “Well, you are who you hang out with.”

She rolled her eyes again and looked away. Shinichi bent a little, took his face close to hers, searched her lips, and closed his eyes. “I love you”, he whispered and before she had time to answer, he pressed his lips against hers.

The kiss was gentle, loving. Sending all the feelings to each other, that happiness they felt…

Ran opened her eyes when she felt Shinichi back off from the kiss. She looked at those beautiful blue eyes which looked much healthier, brighter, and purified, and the smile… She loved to see his real smile. The man he had met almost six years ago, had been only a shadow of him.

He had gone a long way to become the man he was right now, and Ran was proud of him. She was happy that many years ago, she went to that room and was stubborn enough to be his friend. And she was happy that he had started to move on back then.

But she would have never could guess back then how much she would love that man.

“We should probably head back”, Shinichi spoke, and Ran felt how his hand stroked her back gently. “Isn’t our guests arriving at an hour?”

“If you are ready?” Ran answered.

Blue eyes left her gaze, looking at the grave. There was a hint of sadness before he lowered his head and sighed.

“Yeah”, he answered and met her gaze, showing her a little smile. “I’m ready.”

Ran nodded and observed how Shinichi turned and bent a little to grab the baby’s safety seat’s handle and lifted it. Ran turned to look at the gravestone. In front of it were red and pink carnations, meaning love and missing. She looked at the dates and finally their names: Kudo Yusaku and Yukiko.

I really wish you could see your son right now, she thought, hoping they would hear it. He has come a long way, but he is fine. I looked after him, as I promised. And I’m going to do it in the future. I’m doing my best…

“Ran?”

She turned to look at him. He had turned halfway to look at her with a puzzling look. “Are you coming, or…?”

“I’m coming”, she answered with a smile. She glanced at the grave for the last time, sending her last thoughts to them before turning and going to him, grabbing the handle of the safety seat to carry it with him.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Thank you for every like, every comment, and every share ❤ And thank you for reading ❤

[1ns4n3j3st3rf0rlyf3]

lol i hate my last exes impact on me .

they fully fucked up my perception of reality with the sheer amount of neglect and lack of accountability and boundaries. i thought i wasn’t good at art. i thought i wasn’t a people person.

they r worded me and claimed to have dementia when i told them they did that multiple times.

it’s crazy how people with hard kinks don’t actually know how to check in.

i hated myself and i hated my life in ways my suicidal ass had never experienced before. i thought i deserved everything they put me through.

i have hard kinks. i love to be kinky it makes sex fun for me. what they did to me wasn’t cute. it wasn’t fun. it felt like genuinely hate fucking and punishment. i’m a conceptual girly and i love to get put in my place but when my place actually becomes a place where i feel subhuman (unsexy) and less than loved it’s not right.

i shouldn’t have done sex work while i was with them because when they told me they were jealous of the men that paid for my lesbian ass time and then they mimicked those men’s behavior without compensating me i hated them.

i became a house maid in a very unsexy way. i became a caretaker in the least sexy way. i became a degraded hole in the least sexy way. i lost what i felt was my control over my life. i let them hurt me until i self medicated and my environment became hellish and i started hurting everyone around me.

i figured that if i was hurting like that it’s only fair that the people around me hurt too. it didn’t help that i developed a chemical dependency on benzos to a point where i was going thru bar rage and withdrawals when i was on them or if i skipped em. i literally relapsed like i did when i was 13 and evil.

i relapsed to a point where my family said this is scary again. they were afraid for my life just like i was. but my family doesn’t know how to help me cope thru my fear, so i got delegated again to rehab. i never have known how to effectively deescalate myself alone. especially when i conceptually feel it’s me vs the world. i have never felt more alone than i do thinking about how bunny lowkey won.

they took my dog. they let me hate my life. they let me ruin most of my relationships that lasted over 5 years. the people i have left are my friends that have understood drug abuse and my friends with rlly impressive amounts of empathy. i realized while in treatment i didn’t rlly have deep friendships like i thought i did. my relationships centered convenience. i was so afraid and so used to being decentered i never actually filled my “people” in on the gravity of my lore. my friends didn’t know the people i loved that have killed themselves. they didn’t know my addict friends that ended up overdosing on fentanyl. they didn’t know about my friends in prison. they didn’t understand me and my pain or how to help me through it.

i was forced to reframe my understanding of love and friendship. i was forced to see my reality for what it was. i lived in familiar chaotic pain. i was cycling in a familiarity that hurt me everyday and i thought it was just a part of being me. i victim blamed myself while bunny victimized themself and refused to take accountability.

i have such bad ptsd around them i feel so ashamed and hurt that i feel like i never knew them. i feel like everything i knew about them that i loved was a front to make me their hole. before we got romantically involved i was in love with them and i wanted to have them in my life forever. now i feel sick to my stomach and physically in pain thinking about ever letting them touch me again. i thought they were someone who understood my pain and they constantly told me they saw it. i have so many fucking screenshots of them telling me sorry. i want to fucking throw up. i can never just remember them without crying.

fuck bunny. unfuck bunny. i hate them. i loved them. they ruined me. they forced me to see i deserve better. i’ll never repeat a cycle like that again.

i can’t believe they fessed up to the neglect then revoked all accountability once i had a ptsd episode and punched them in my own room after getting sexually assaulted for hopefully the last time. i don’t like them anymore.

those messages were before i punched them in a panic like get real dude i’m so mad.

i miss my dog. i miss feeling understood. i wish they understood me. i can’t get played again. i want to be known fully. i won’t hold back who i have always been.

[phawareglobal]

Steve Smith - phaware® interview 437

Pulmonary hypertension patient, Steve Smith discusses the importance of a good support team and how he tackled anxiety and his passion for musical theater.

My name is Steve Smith. I'm from Sterling, Colorado, a really small, rural community in the northeast corner of the state. I was diagnosed with PAH, (pulmonary arterial hypertension), in 2018. The process of the diagnosis took a long time. I think I was really frustrated and searching for answers as much as five years earlier. I would tell my doctor, "Something is not right," test after test after test. Finally, I got referred to a cardiologist. Long story short, they found a hole in my heart that had probably been there since childhood, or even birth. We don't know. It really, really explained a lot about the things that happened to me over the course of my life that I was never really sure about. By finding that hole, they discovered that my right heart chamber was considerably larger than the left, and it had just pumped very, very strenuously through most of my life. As a result, it was weakening. They determined that the lungs had really done a number as well. That was a life-changing time. To understand, "Wow, this is what's been wrong with me for not just five, not just 10 years, but markedly, through most of my life. Granted, when I was younger, it was not as much of a problem. I did experience shortness of breath quite a bit. I was a cop. I was in law enforcement for 13 or 14 years, just outside of Tampa, Florida, in Hillsborough County. We had physicals, and I was able to run and do the physical things that were required, but sometimes they would fail me because they said my heart rate was too rapid. I said, "Well, I feel fine." "Well, your heart rate shouldn't be that rapid, running a mile." It was, and I never really understood why I had such a rapid heart rate. Again, 2018, the lights came on, and it was all very, very clear. I've been going through treatment with various medications since 2018, some with success, some not so successful, and adjusting things. Right now, with regard to this condition, I think I'm managing it very well. I'm at a very, very good place with the disease. Some of the side effects of the medications bother me. Congestion is a huge one. It bothers me immensely, but I'm able to continue to work. I'm a college administrator at a community college here in Sterling. This is my 24th year in this position. I look to retire probably in a year and a half or so. So I'm glad I was able to continue to work as much as I wanted to, and to get involved in activities as much as I'm able to. We moved to Colorado in 1997. We live in the plains. So the plains are not nearly the altitude that the mountains are, but we are two hours away from the mountains. We love going to the mountains. We absolutely do. I struggled in the mountains. There was a really vivid memory in my mind when I first felt like something was seriously, seriously wrong. I was with a group of men, a group of friends from my church. We were snowshoeing together up in Rocky Mountain National Park, in the winter. So we're high, it's cold. We're basically marching, because I've never been in snowshoes before. I felt like something was terribly wrong. I took my coat off, and I had to breathe really, really deeply. I got very, very afraid, because all those elements gave this condition a real workout that I was not expecting. Walking, on a normal day in the community that I live in, where it's flat, I wasn't experiencing those things. At that point, I just attributed it to altitude. But I knew something was wrong. When I went to my doctor at the time, we talked and he did some heart tests, simple things. He said, "There's no indication that there's anything wrong with your heart." But he hadn't done those in-depth tests that a cardiologist did, to discover exactly what was wrong. He was looking at my vitals. My oxygen was good. My heart rate at that time, during the test, was normal. It was a regular beat. They weren't finding anything. But yeah, it was that trip up into the mountains that made me realize, "I've got to get to the bottom of what's wrong." It was a relief to have a diagnosis that was solid, and certain, a whole lot better than people saying, "Well, we can't find anything wrong." Or, "Maybe it's just anxiety." There was one time I was treated for what was believed to be asthma. "Well, maybe you just have asthma. You're struggling with breathing." So I used an asthma inhaler, not knowing I didn't need one, and it didn't really help. So I went through a lot of those things, where it was trial and error. In 2018, it was absolutely a relief to be told by my cardiologist, "You have PAH." And I said, "What is that?" And he said, "Pulmonary arterial hypertension." Again, "What is that?" He was sure of what it was. I was clueless. What do we do? We go home and we Google. I thought, "Oh my gosh, what in the world is this?" Then I read about the medical treatments, and ultimately the fact that there's no cure, it's managed. So yeah, I got a little scared. My wife and I talked. I said, "I have a really good support system. I have a really good medical team. I'm just going to take this journey. If they try medication on me, and it doesn't work, I'm going to tell them, 'This isn't working. This is making it worse,' and we're just going to do it a day at a time." I had a really, really good mindset. My attitude was really positive. I was still doing a lot. What happened with me, every time I ran or went up an incline, or like I said, hiked in the mountains, maybe was working out in the gym, I'd feel the heart beating really fast. My heartbeat and my breathing would get out of sync with each other. It really, really scared me. That's the condition that I kept experiencing. So when they gave me a diagnosis, I thought, "Well, good, it can be treated." I didn't panic as much, and have the fear factor hit me, when I did experience those things. I learned, "You're going to have to pull back. You can't run anymore." I'm six feet, five inches tall. I don't take stairs one step at a time, I take them two at a time. Guess what? I need to slow down on the stairs. I need to take them one at a time. And if I get to that landing on the stairs that turns, and I have to catch my breath, I can do that. So by understanding what was happening with my body, and knowing what it was... I mean, I used to always fear I was having a heart attack, or I was just on the cusp of having a heart attack. Now, I don't feel like that's what's happening if I experience those sensations. But I also know what to do to prevent them. If I'm really having a bad day, I can take the elevator. But most of the time I want to say, "No, I want to take the stairs as long as I can." I've always been interested in musical theater, whether it was modern musicals or old musicals from the '60s. I just really enjoyed musical theater. I think it started, seeing musicals on the big screen with my parents, growing up. My wife is a musician and she loves musicals. In our early years of marriage we’d go to some Broadway musicals together. We both really had a liking for musical theater. Never did I imagine myself to be a part of musical theater. I wasn't in musical theater at all in high school. It didn't really surface and show itself to me in my life until my adult years. Many, many, many, many years ago, there was a local theater group, a community-based theater group in my area. It's pretty much run as a nonprofit. One of the first productions was Grease. Grease was one of my favorite musicals, productions, soundtracks, if you will, going back to high school with the musical on the screen. I auditioned for a specific role, the Teen Angel. He had one song that he sang, and that was it. I got that role. It was just a very small. I'm on stage. I sing, I'm off. So I didn't have lots of experience with acting, minimal dancing. Most of mine was always singing. I really enjoyed singing, and I enjoyed pop music. Several years passed and I wasn't involved in other productions. The director decided she was going to do Mamma Mia! She decided she was going to do that in 2018, and she called me. Mamma Mia! has several adult male parts. She said, "Steve, I would like you to consider trying out for Mamma Mia!." I didn't know the story of Mamma Mia!, but I knew the ABBA music. So I said, "Yeah, I like ABBA Music. I'll do it." I got a role in that. It was a pretty significant role. Well, that's right when I got my diagnosis. So I had been on medication for a little while, but I was still cautious. I didn't do a lot of dancing at that time, because I wasn't real sure what I was capable of doing. I pulled off Mamma Mia! pretty well, had a few scares. There was a time I was lifting something heavy, I felt that sensation in my heart and lungs again. And I thought, "Oh, I can't do that." I couldn't move real fast, off stage. I had to move slowly or I'd get short of breath. My medicine had not all kicked in yet, so sometimes my pulse rate would skyrocket to 120, 130. I was very nervous during 2018, during that production. I was not comfortable with it, initially. Got through it, but again, told people, "That was really, really hard. I don't think I can do that again." The next year she did Something Rotten. My wife loves the music from Something Rotten. So I told her, "I'll try out for a very, very small part and Something Rotten." I got a small part, one song, maybe two, and that was it. The next year was COVID. We didn't do anything. The next year she did Chicago, I told my wife, "No, I'm not auditioning for anything. I'm not doing this anymore." This year. She did Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I ran into the director in town and she said, "Well, I hope you're going to audition for Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." I said, "I hadn't thought about it," but I said, "we'll see." I decided I would. Again, I said, "A small part," and I listed a few roles that I thought I would be good at. After it was cast, I got the cast sheet, and she had given me the lead! I thought, "I can't do this." I watched some YouTube clips, and I watched the movie and there was so much dancing. I said, "I cannot do all that dancing." I talked to her. I said, "I believe I can sing the songs. Singing doesn't wear me out." But I said, "If I'm having to sing and dance, I can't do it." I confided in her about my PAH. I told her, "This is my condition. You won't know what it is, you can look it up. But it really does cause difficulty with breathing, fast heart rate, sometimes a feeling of suffocation. I told her, "I am being treated. I am being medicated. I am being monitored, and it's managed." I said, "I'll do this lead," but I said, "I don't know about the dancing." She said, "We will simplify the dance moves for you." Little did I know the hardest thing in the production was memorizing all the line!. There was a lot of lines. I was on stage almost the entire first act, and scene after scene after scene. So throughout the course of the summer, I developed a little more confidence, but I was always nervous, nervous, nervous. I said, "What happens when these performances come? What if I have a bad night, where I don't feel good?" I talked to my treatment team and we did a six-minute test. I did it as fast as I could, and I passed it with flying colors. I did very well with that .They gave me their vote of confidence. My medical team said, "Steve, you can do this. You can." My doctor told me, "Your regimen is one of the most successful that I'm dealing with right now in my practice. You are on the right drugs, you're keeping your weight down. Your diet is right. You're exercising." He says, "You're doing all those things we want our patients to do so they can do the things they really want to do. In your case, it's theater. You want to do this production. They've cast you in this production. You're capable of doing this production." They gave me the vote of confidence. I approached the rehearsals, all summer long, with a sense of hope. I said, "I absolutely know I can pull this off. I can do this. They've modified the dances for me, the singing is in my range." Much of the musical, I was sitting in the car, pretending like I was driving. So a lot of it, I was sitting down while I was singing. So I really looked at every aspect of that. Mid-September we performed it, first night was great, which gave me more confidence for the next night. Which was great. Then the third performance, and the fourth performance. So I was really, really, really pleased with the production, my ability to perform in the production, my accomplishments when it was done, and the vote of confidence that both the director gave me, and my support team gave me. I do recognize that everybody's diagnosis is different. People's level of abilities are different. I'm not at a stage in life yet where I'm on oxygen. I may be one day, and that may limit my abilities. The direction my doctor often gave me was, "Do what you feel like you can do. If you feel like you can hike, hike." He told me one time, "Don't hike a trail with a super steep incline, because you know you can't do that. Read the trail guides, and find the easier trails to do." I'm 61 years old, so I don't have to do what I did when I was 25. I can't. But I can do the things at 61 that I want to do right now. That's what I tell people who talk to me about their situations. "Do you think you can walk a block? Do you think you can walk around the block? Do you have to stop? It's okay to stop." There are days that are bad. There are days when I go down into the basement to do something at my house, and I come back up the stairs, and I struggle. There are days that are not bad. I just have to realize, on those days that are not bad, do what I think I can do. And the days that are bad, it's still the same message. Do what I think I can do. It might not be as much as the good days, but what can I do? And do it. Sometimes I mow the lawn with no problem. Other times I mow the lawn, and it's difficult. I still mow the lawn. I don't say, "Well, I had a bad day mowing the lawn, therefore I'm not going to do it anymore." No. "I had a bad day mowing it, and I had to stop. And I had to sit down and I had to catch my breath. But that's not every day." So I keep doing it until I can't. When I know I can't do it anymore, I'll have to say, "Well, it was fun while I could." About a year and a half, two years ago, I was dealing with anxiety about the condition, not depression, but anxiety. I was nervous about, "What comes next? What happens if I do get worse? What happens? What happens? What happens?" I was nervous about things that hadn't happened yet. I told this to my primary care physician. He said, "Steve, why don't you talk to somebody about that?" He recommended a therapy group. I'd never pursued therapy. And you know what? I found somebody whose specialty was helping people with transitions in life. He dealt with older generational people. I began to talk to him about the anxiety. And you know what? If I hadn't done that, the year prior to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I might not have been able to do Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. But by the time Chitty Chitty Bang Bang came around, I'd gotten a real good grip on anxiety. How to deal with it, how to face it, and realized what it can and can't do to me. That's important to me. My name is Steve Smith, and I'm aware that I'm rare.

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[melys-thoughts]

Don't have kids alcohol

Wasted days. Wasted nights. Wasted time spent wasted as your children grew before your eyes but you weren't even looking. Your eyes fixated on your next fix, your next beer, the nearest bottle, the nearest liquor store to meet up with more fixes. You dragged us along with you and thankfully the younger ones were too young to know what was happening but not me and maybe that’s why you started looking at me with angry fists because I wasn’t afraid to speak up. You yelled and pushed down all the strength my little voice had until I eventually went quiet and focused on raising children that weren't even mine. A 7-year-old shouldn't know how to make mixed drinks. An 8-year-old shouldn't worry about if her baby brother has diapers or if he's been fed. A 9-year-old shouldn’t be hit and called a whore when you don’t even know what that means. A 10-year-old shouldn’t be wanting to end her own life because all she wants is for the pain to stop, her arms have turned into a canvass for the razors she found in the bathroom and when caught you grounded her and treated her like a prisoner, sliding smashed sandwiches under the door and screaming at her she was only 10! Making her scrub dishes in the bathroom with a bucket and telling her how she will always feel like Cinderella but her prince charming will never come because this is my life. An 11-year-old shouldn’t feel like she is unable to speak. A 12-year-old shouldn’t be sleeping on the floor and crying and yelling at God because how could he do this to you! A 13-year-old shouldn’t have been to 3 elementary schools, and 4 middle schools because the school staff was starting to question the marks and the fact that she never spoke as if her voice was ripped right out of her. A 14-year-old shouldn’t have to drop out because she is worried you will get so wasted that you might put your hands on her siblings not old enough to go to school. But, she felt the safest at school because at least she knew she could eat and forget for a few hours until that last bell rang she knew it was time to go home. At 15 she had to witness that nightmare again when she was thrown down in the kitchen because she had lost her virginity but you didn’t even listen to the part where it wasn’t consensual and she was drugged. A 16-year-old who no longer wanted to be home and said she was sleeping at friends' houses when she was at the parks or the library because that was better than being near you. The children’s mother finally got custody of the kids but she belonged to him so when he went to jail for what felt like the 100th time, she made the choice to live without you. After a suicide attempt, she started healing, started working, started focusing on school and she fell for a boy that was exactly like you. A 17-year-old shouldn’t fear for her life. An 18-year-old shouldn’t be pregnant. A 19-year-old shouldn’t feel so trapped and afraid for her daughter that she reaches out to her father again who doesn’t even listen because the bottle is more important. I am now a grown woman with scars that have healed, scars that won't fade, and open wounds whenever the thought of you comes to mind. Don’t you remember I’m your baby girl? Please Dad, put the bottle down. You have too many wasted days, wasted nights, wasted time being wasted as your children are raising their children right before your eyes and you aren’t even looking.

[keefwho]

April 25 - 2023

11:13 PM

I’m thinking too much. Not everything is such a big deal or has to be a problem to be solved. I want to relax and enjoy things. I make every day I whole ass fight. I feel like if I don’t then I’m going to lose everything I’ve worked for in the blink of an eye. Just stop.

Today was mid AGAIN. I had trouble being productive although I did get everything done still. But it wasn’t fun. Breakfast was ass because I fucked it up. Streaming Mother 3 this morning was nice at least. After all my work was done I didn’t do much of anything. I personally keep berating myself for always falling back on Twitch streams but sometimes it’s the only way I want to chill and I know it’s valid. Maybe I only feel like it’s bad because other people usually don’t get why I watch Twitch like that, but they do the same thing with Youtube or Netflix. I shouldn’t be taking other people’s judgements to heart so much. I always thought I was very resilient to that kind of thing and I think I am in the sense that I won’t do anything immediate or extreme to appease people’s judgements. But I do internalize everything and it does effect me on a subtle level. 

In other news I am still down horrendous. I want to suck myself BAD and I should have done that tonight before dinner but I was with my bestie and that’s more important to me. So I’m still waiting. Last night I kept waking up because of how horny I was and hopefully the same thing doesn’t happen tonight. 

I know I should just cum more instead of letting myself get pent up like this. But in the interest of making it more special, this is my first conclusion. I was trying to not do anything unless I was really sold on it and I haven’t been really sold on anything except for things I couldn’t actually do. For some reason lately I’m extremely afraid of seeming like a coomer even if no one would know since I only do stuff with myself. Its really stressing me out, I want to get to the bottom of this. I think I’m just so afraid of scaring off my friends in the same way I was scared off by overly horny people who used to be MY friends. But the thing is I am not like them. I would consider myself more sexually interested but not to their level. God this is killing me. I feel so confused and insecure. 

Lately I’ve felt very alone because of my lack of friends in general and the recent difficulty I’ve been having trying to relate to people. I also wish I could discuss my problems a little bit more but I’m starting to feel like I’m piling things onto people too much. And as content as I would be sticking with one person completely, I’m too aware of how unhealthy that could become so I try to branch out even if I don’t feel like it. 

I’ve been DEEP in my own head today and still am. Not sure how to break out of it but it will pass on it’s own. 

[adeptiiii]

Day 13: Fallen!Kit/Suzie Pt.1

Synopsis: Gorō (Kit) tests his luck and attempts to take Patch from Hell, when someone spots them. Word count: 895

Screams were heard throughout the chambers, both below and above. Sounds of chains rattling and scorching fire emanated alongside the tortured souls. They felt not an inch of mercy nor happiness, and they drowned in the sorrow and realization that this would continue eternally.

Patch lay in his surprisingly plush bed, his ears already accustomed to the noise. He paid no heed to their suffering, as he knew they were there for a reason. Including him. Except he was lucky, his planned punishment pushed aside to become the Hell Queen’s personal…pet. It was better than nothing, he supposed. He’d rather face the humiliation of being commanded and ridiculed of.

He sighed, covering his ears with his less-than-functional wings, wanting to sink into the silk sheets. When a feeling of holiness overtook his senses. He sprung off the bed, wondering why such a feeling was nearby. That’s when he saw his old friend, Gorō.

Gorō’s wings flapped ever so slightly, peeking through the door. His timid eyes scanning the room, finally landing on a dishevelled Patch.

“Gorō!? What are you doing here!?” Patch whisper-shouted, afraid that one of the henchmen would take Gorō away to a place far worse. Gorō’s feline ears flattened against his head, about to enter the room.

“I’m here to take you back!” Gorō replies, clenching his beating chest. His fingers and lips were trembling in fear, afraid of the same thing Patch was imagining. He looked to his right, to a corridor that was still empty.

“Why!? You know I got sent here for a reason!” Patch argues, throwing the sheets off him and running up the Gorō, who’s face was now paler than before at the sound of metal footsteps. He hoped to God that it wasn’t who he thought it was, either way, he’d be screwed if he didn’t go in right now-

“What’re you doing here, little angel? Shouldn’t you be up in heaven, where you belong!?” A feminine voice boomed. Gorō’s ears instantly sprang up, his wings spiking up at his inevitable discovery. He landed on his knees in an instant, preparing to beg forgiveness from the Hell Queen.

Except it wasn’t.

There stood a brunette, clad in metal armor with goat-like horns wrapping around her ear lobe. Her skullish pupils stared the two angels down, ready to drag the intruder back home. She held a scroll in her hand, a quill in the other. She tilted her head at the sudden action, already smelling his fear.

“What. I’m no Hell Queen, I’m her personal secretary.” Suzie mused, enjoying the state of which Gorō was in. She snickers quietly upon seeing Gorō’s head look up, tears welling in his eyes. He clasped both hands at his chest, his wings tucked tightly against his back.

“Shouldn’t you be doing that to God? Ask him to save you. Even I can’t disobey God.” Suzie comments, preparing to write his name into her scroll at the angel’s disobedience.

“I-I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t be here, I-” Gorō stutters, nearly slamming his palms onto his thighs.

“An angel, walking into hell with his own free will, to save one of his kin. He wouldn’t be here if he was a good angel, now would he?” Suzie mocks further, grinning at the regret already settling on Gorō’s face.

Patch steps in, unable to keep silent at the degradation. “Please ma’am, just leave my friend alone. He was being stupid just let him go!”

Suzie ponders, putting the quill to her chin. After a few unbearable silent moments, she hums in agreement. Rolling up the scroll, she puts a hand on her hip.

“Alright, you can go. But come here one more time and you won’t like what happens to you.” Suzie threatens, placing her other hand directly atop Gorō’s head, squeezing it ever so slightly, the metal claws digging into his scalp.

Gorō stands up immediately when Suzie lets go, and he turns away sharply. He looks towards Patch, even more tears in his eyes. Patch looks back at him with guilt at the mess he got him into. It’s true, if he had been better, he wouldn’t be here! Now he got his friend into his mess as well.

Gorō extends his wings, looking at Patch one last time as a final goodbye, wishing him a silent ‘good luck’, before flying away. The white feathers fly from Gorō’s wings and onto the ground. To which Suzie bends down, picking up 3 of the feathers that was left behind.

She may be one of the Hell Queen’s workers, but even she felt empathy. Especially after seeing such a emotional display. She shoves two of the feathers into Patch’s chest, whom had also started to cry. He looks back at her inquisitively, mouth slightly agape.

“Take em, don’t take this the wrong way, but at least you have something to remind you of your friend. Not everyone stays in hell forever. Who knows, maybe you’ll get out of here…Unlike me.” Suzie quietly adds, holding the third feather between her fingers, the glow still visible.

Patch nods at her words, not wanting to question the last two words. “What’re you going to do with that feather?” He asks, hoping it wasn’t for any malicious intent. Suzie stares at it for a moment, remembering Gorō’s beautiful wings.

“Eh, I need a new quill anyway.”

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

6 March 2023 Monday 🌙 12:11 pmpdt

Bcz Nick didn’t plan anything with me for his birthday 🎉, no party 🎈 invitation & no date, to combat my disappointment I clicked into an aol chat 💬 room I think 💭 it was for teens. 12:13 pmpdt & I watched other people chat 💬 & then I received instant messages from 2 guys @ the same time but I think I remember one was on top of the other but I found it somehow maybe it was peaking from the corner? Or top? I forget. One from New York king long island 🏝 (autocorrect: head acid brain) 🧠 if he hits me again with acid in the brain 🧠 I will never forgive him it’s getting hot in my head left near front side 12:18 pmpdt long <- autocorrect changed to king 👑 many times. 5 minutes passed by fast 💨. I hope the incubus miñion is not staying in this hotel 🏨 . 12:21 pmpdt every time I doubt the incubus he cuts or tortured my vag. I figured (12:22 heart ♥️ stress 12:23 pmpdt throat acid pain heart ♥️ is beating a little fast 💨) I was going to write ✍️ things here but when I’m finally poised gum left hip bone 🦴 pain 12:24 pmpdt incubus made me afraid 😱 to write ✍️ it. Autocorrect I think said breathe me? Kill. Makes sense. 12:27 pmpdt

1:49 pmpdt incubus is attacking my anus area w/ acid I think. It hurts it’s hot & stings & burns. 1:50 pmpdt

3:04 pmpdt I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if the incubus is punishing me for saying that the futon frame & mattress I gave was nicer than the one my mom bought, the one I gave my ex boyfriend Bcz it I think 🤔 it had no sharp corners & maybe the mattress was thicker? Trying to remember... ours is substantially thick although I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ how thick. Knowing the incubus I’m afraid 😱 he’s going to change things to double cross me. 3:08 3:09 pmpdt I think these acid attacks are double crossing me. Are guys like Nick carter really better than me Bcz he didn’t murder Shannon Ruth, so he’s allowed to commit crimes so the police 👮‍♂️ have their preys for the capitalist system to complete a cycle? Was that man 👨 who murdered a mother of 2 boys better than the woman he murdered & believes he’s better Bcz incubus probably told him so, so he can justify (he probably raped her, too? I should look for it Bcz the trial was recent I think) 3:13 pmpdt is it true? 3:14 pmpdt

3:55 3:56 pmpdt incubus has hurt me a lot. I guess it could have been worse. I didn’t enjoy being alone a lot in the first half of my life. I did have problems with my thoughts 💭 & words & I made excuses. Sometimes I tried to be honest w/ my feelings like not saying “I missed you,” w/ a coworker. I don’t think 🤔 I was disrespectful or unkind, I didn’t feel like saying it back to her after she said it to me, & then her facial expression turned angry, like w/ rage?, maybe even possessed by a demon. I was nice to her & she told me she missed me. But I was still having difficulty w/ my own feelings & my own ... personality? I think 🤔 there was a time I tried to change my personality in an effort to be more likable but I still wasn’t happy & feeling like I (acid like pain in lips 👄 4:06 pmpdt incubus is punishing me for writing ✍️ this) - this reminds me of the when they used to tell people if you smile or pretend to be happy you will become happy? Some happy go lucky 🍀 people surprise people with suicide probably Bcz it doesn’t really work like with my experience. Sometimes I said stuff that scared 😱 off people I shouldn’t have. & vag pain minutes ago head pain nausea 4:10 pmpdt. & then there’s the case w/ Scott biting me. Scott seemed to care too much about his own reputation I guess rather than owing up, that he felt it was right to shame/embarrass me in public & do something violent to me & he’s a very good actor he acted like he was sorry & he never took me to the hospital 🏥 to check the damage he did. 4:15 pmpdt back in 2017 online it said he was married but I didn’t find out who. Now it seems he’s not married. Some people will make you feel unsafe to express your real feelings & opinions. Unnecessarily critical am I? Maybe sometimes but all the time? 4:17 pmpdt incubus can put magic potion 🧪 in your mind to feel something such as love 💕, maybe 🤔 even other emotions. 4:19 pmpdt

4:28 pmpdt if you read all the posts in this tumblr, then you might see that I jump back & forth. (4:29 feeling something not sure if I can like it ok don’t like it cramps 4:30 🕟 pmpdt)

4:30 4:31 pmpdt woman 👩🏼 was beat up in jail? 44 year old woman 👵 tree 🌲 fell on her. I doubt she will be resurrected like Jesus. Mother of a Boy Scout. Head brain 🧠 pain 4:34 pmpdt makes me doubt incubus. 4:35 pmpdt

4:43 pmpdt I think I told a few people that me & Scott had s*x. I don’t remember describing the situation, what happened exactly, but I guess somehow he learned that I said something & he I guess did not like that. I think 🤔 he wrote without mentioning my name on his Facebook about me section that it’s not his fault he fell for an unethical whore. He NEVER said he loved 🥰 me to me. If he wants to do stuff right he should have bought a ring 💍 b4 doing that to me! 4:47 pmpdt

5:18 pmpdt I wish I could die a painless death ☠️ now. Incubus mislead me w/ signs 🪧 to interpret myself & random appearing thoughts 💭. I don’t believe in incubus anymore. He looks so happy & like he only cares about his own d*ck. 5:21 pmpdt