#but i'm just SO TIRED

[novelconcepts]

more and more it's feeling like we just...don't have room for people trying anymore. it's all or nothing; get it right the first time, or be crucified by a jury you can never fully see or convince. and this isn't new, isn't born of current events. it's become more and more prevalent over the last ten years thanks to social media putting every little thought on blast, but i'd put money on the idea that it's actually been brewing much longer than that. and, for me, it goes beyond being tiring or upsetting. it feels bleak. it feels downright fucking broken that we're all so busy trying not to condone anything remotely problematic that we don't leave room for good faith learning. watching people trying to suss out their own identity--something literally ONLY they can fully understand or explain--be vilified for trying to fit words around their own experience sucks. watching people misunderstand something and try to apologize for it later, only to be told they should have known all along, sucks. seeing people who once held truly toxic beliefs actually grow and learn and apologize and still be told to fuck themselves as if they're a lost cause--it sucks. just. does that not fill you with despair for the state of things? does that not break something in you, to think that if you one day don't understand something, or misuse a word, or grapple with complicated feelings, it will forever stain you in the eyes of perfect strangers?

dude the world is fucked, and we all see it, but like. it doesn't feel like it helps to be so goddamn reactive. it doesn't feel like it helps anyone to demand perfection out the gate. it's exhausting. there are enough people out there who don't want to learn, who aren't trying, who actively revel in cruelty. looking for malice in every little fuck-up from people who seem to be genuinely striving to live their lives with kindness strikes me as lending strength to an army that already glories in suffering. and makes the world look more fucked than ever. and i really don't know that that energy is what we need when there's already so much to set right.

maybe it's just me. maybe this last decade just shattered something in me. but i really, really hate the idea--reject the idea, frankly--that people can't learn and change and grow. that people can't be better than a bad day or a failure of understanding. i reject the idea that people are something to be thrown out because they fucked up. it just seems...yeah. bleak. really fuckin' bleak.

[notsotranqui1]

- Being horrifically behind on my schoolwork but being so burnt out I don't have the mental energy to do anything

- Having a brief scare that I might have been taken advantage of by someone I was into, but it (thankfully holy shit) was just miscommunication

- Having a professor who expressed a desire for me to use a shock collar on him when he misgendered me coming back this semester and if I don't participate in the event he's a part of, I will have to take a 0 for my current class's assignment. And now I'm feeling like I've been taken advantage of again

- Being in such a terrible state because my period is coming up and I probably have PMDD which makes me more critical

[vole-mon-amour]

It's incredible how much of a toll mental exhausting takes on your body. The other way around, too.

[running-in-the-dark]

I just need to vent, sorry this'll be all over the place probably

I'm upset because of something my partner did, or rather didn't do in this case. I explain how his behaviour hurt me, what would make it better, and what we could do to prevent this from happening again. he nods and makes affirmative noises and maybe says he's sorry in the end, usually after at least 10 minutes.

half an hour later the same thing happens again, I just want to be comforted and shown that he even cares that he made me feel that way. he just stands there and says nothing. I get upset because it hurts. he says nothing. I tell him to just go to bed then because being ignored like that while he's just standing there hurts so much more. he doesn't react. I get more upset. I tell him to go, more loudly this time because I can't stand this feeling anymore. he leaves. he goes to bed, and doesn't talk to me until the next day.

and I feel like a huge fucking bitch. because everyone says 'but he's so nice, you shouldn't treat him like that or he'll leave you', 'maybe he just can't talk under pressure', 'maybe he just needs a moment to think'

it's been 10 years. 10 years of this. but it's my fault. I communicate everything so clearly, I tell him exactly what I need, I don't try to hint at shit and expect him to read my mind. I offer so many things that could help. I try to understand what made him react this way. but how am I supposed to figure it out if he doesn't talk to me.

yes he's nice, he's the sweetest and most gentle guy I've ever met, I enjoy spending time with him, I can be around him without going crazy. but when anything even remotely negative or difficult happens it's like his mind just leaves and it's just his body there. and I'm just alone.

I know the logical solution would be to just leave him, but life isn't that fucking simple. I can't work, I can barely manage to feed myself some days, he helps me a lot and I'd be lost without him. I love him, and I like him. usually, when he's not being like this. but I can't stand this anymore. it happens at least once a week, sometimes more, and sometimes he does do better and tries to talk (but it's always just the exact phrases that I used when I was explaining what's wrong, not anything that he thinks of himself).

it feels like being with a cardboard cutout when this happens. like there's just nothing there. and that makes me feel especially bad because I'm fairly sure he's neurodivergent and that's the issue but like, so am I and I know it's *my* job to work on my own issues. no one has ever offered to help me with that and I still managed to get better at dealing with difficult situations, I looked for help and resources and used them. I say what I need and what would help, and it doesn't matter.

I just don't know how to fix something that can't be fixed with words. I remember feeling the same way when my mother would scream at me even though I did nothing wrong - the words I say won't matter because they don't care/aren't listening/don't want to hear it. and that makes me feel so powerless and weak and lost, just like when I was a kid. I don't know how to fix it. all I want is to talk about things and be heard and get an honest, real reaction.

I just want to be able to talk about this with anyone. but everyone always says its my fault. I should be grateful that he's a good man and doesn't beat me or yell at me or cheat or whatever. he works, he supports me, how dare I demand anything beyond that. but don't I deserve to be treated like a person despite being too ill to work? I try so fucking hard to do better every day, I want to be better, I want to be enough.

but it's not enough, and I'm stuck, and I'll always be stuck. I want to be happy because this is so much better than I ever imagined my life would be. but I don't want just this. I want someone who really, honestly cares about me. not just someone who's used to me and would maybe feel a bit sad if I left. more than anything I just want someone who will talk to me.

I never know what he's thinking or how he's feeling because he won't tell me. he doesn't talk about anything deeper than memes or video games or a video he's watched or something. I try and try and try and he just won't open up. I know I'm just a fucking idiot for letting myself be treated like this for so long, well either that or I'm a demanding bitch who isn't happy with what she has. I don't know. maybe it's both.

it's probably both.

[liar-remastered-2011]

dear god please give me the brain cells to not engage in internet arguments i don't have the energy to spare for amen

[cistematicchaos]

Lol, it’s so funny growing up in a family with pretty much exclusively disabled people. Especially as a Black-mixed kid, like, ah, it’s glorious to constantly see the medical system abuse and kill people for being disabled, for being fat, for being Black, ect ect. 

It’s so fun that I never want to go to therapy or anything like that because one of my close relatives was literally murdered by the US medical system because she was “too mentally ill” to be considered human and she dealt with a lot of the same mental issues I do now. Yep. It’s just glorious to see the US health system in action. 

[daeneryssansa]

not even done with season 1 yet and i’m already exhausted by all the hotd discourse can we not just watch all the hot people with dragons kill each other and be entertained??

[that-g3-obsessive]

.

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

[tyanis]

Kinda feel like there's some untapped meme/reaction image potential from old horror movie trailers...

[smash-chu]

make a cohost account, make a blue skies account, make a pillow fort account, make a artfol account, share your discord, make a back-up account, make another account, make another account, make another account-

[dreamswillbeyourwintermeat]

Not this asshole saying he's going to demo _my code_ next week

[sga-owns-my-soul]

reblog to give ur mutuals a soft lil kissy on the head

[strongerthanaman]

To say that this week has been a shit show is putting it lightly.

Fucked up week at work and just not good week personally.

[druid-for-hire]

[images ID: three images of a comic titled "one must imagine sisyphus happy" by druid-for-hire. it is a visual narrative beginning with someone with wrist pain (depicted by bright orange nerves) working at a drafting table. the reader is shown the same wrist as the person uses it for many everyday tasks such as carrying a grocery basket, pushing elevator buttons, typing, and doing dishes, until the pain dissolves all the panels into chaos. the person then performs several physical therapy exercises until the pain subsides. they sit back down at a desk with their laptop, sigh, and begin typing. a small spark of pain reappears. end id]

a fun little piece i made during the semester and submitted into our school comic anthology! (which you can buy at the Static Fish table at MoCCAFest in NYC ;] ). it's about artists and injury

[unforth]

Gentle reminder that very little fandom labor is automated, because I think people forget that a lot.

That blog with a tagging system you love? A person curates those tags by hand.

That rec blog with a great organization scheme and pretty graphics? Someone designed and implemented that organization scheme and made those graphics.

That network that posts a cool variety of stuff? People track down all that variety and queue it by hand, and other people made all the individual pieces.

That post with umpteen links to helpful resources, and information about them? Someone gathered those links, researched the sources, wrote up the information about them.

That graphic about fandom statistics? Someone compiled those statistics, analyzed them, organized them, figured out a useful way to convey the information to others, and made the post.

That event that you think looks neat? Someone wrote the rules, created the blogs and Discords, designed the graphics, did their best to promo the event so it'd succeed.

None of this was done automatically. None of it just appears whole out of the internet ether.

I think everyone realizes that fic writing and fanart creation are work, and at least some folks have got it through their heads that gif creation and graphics and moodboards take effort, and meta is usually respected for the effort that goes into it, at least as far as I've seen, but I feel like a lot of people don't really get how much labor goes into curation, too.

If people are creating resources, curating content, organizing the creations of others, gathering information, and doing other fandom activities that aren't necessarily the direct action of creation, they're doing a lot of fandom labor, and it's often largely unrecognized.

Celebrate fan work!

To folks doing this kind of labor: I see you, and I thank you. You are the backbones of our fandoms and I love you.