#but idk how rational that actually is
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is this hashtag paranoia or do ppl not interact w me a lot on this blog in a visible way. like replies n asks n shit.
#mod posts#my brain wants to believe that ive done something to make ppl wary of being seen interacting w me#but idk how rational that actually is#the idea that im just naturally weird in a way that i cant tell but everyone else can has been on my mind a lot lately#like in general not just online way u know#im not sure which one id consider more likely. that im just naturally someone that ppl dont want to be seen with#or that ive said or done something shitty that make ppl avoid me n no ones telling me abt it#or that im just imagining it all bc im deeply narcissistic and need to be publically adored so i dont feel like the worst being on earth#just one of those nights ya feel
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The idea that uni protesters are "elitist ivy-league rich kids larping as revolutionaries" on Twitter and Reddit and even here is so fucking funny to me if you actually know anything about the student bodies at these unis. Take it from someone who's going to one of the biggest private unis in the US, 80% of the peers I know are either from the suburbs or an apartment somewhere in America, children of immigrants, or here on a student visa. I've heard about one-percenter students, but I've never met one in person. Like, don't get me wrong, the institution as a whole is still very privileged and white. I've talked with friends and classmates about feeling weird or dissonant being here and coming from such a different background. But in my art program, I see BIPOC, disabled, queer, lower-income students and faculty trying to deconstruct and tear that down and make space every day. So to take a cursory glance at a crowd of student protesters in coalitions that are led by BIPOC & 1st/2nd-gen immigrant students and HQ'd in ethnic housings and student organizations and say, "ah. children of the elite." Get real.
#also idk how to tell you this but even if it were true. wealthy children potentially sacrificing their educational careers to protest is#a good thing actually. idk how to tell you that caring about people from other nations is good#personal#“this war has nothing to do with most students cuz nobody's getting drafted” idk how to explain to you that we should be angry#that our tuitions of 10s of thousands of dollars that we pay every year for an education is being used to fund a genocidal campaign#also the implication that if you go to a uni institution you are automatically privileged by participation no matter your bg#i didn't /want/ to go to this school. i was supposed to go to a school with an art/animation program. but i realized my immigrant#parents have been working their whole lives to get me here. and turning the opportunity down would be a disservice to their sacrifice#this is getting into convos of “what 2nd gen kids owe their parents” which is different for everyone but. yeah#i just get pissed off at seeing people misrepresenting student bodies as “wealthy” and “privileged” and “elite” when it's such a blatant li#i remember a year ago a friend told me they can't fly home to hong kong for winter break because the plane tickets are too expensive#so they have to find temporary housing around the area#last quarter for a film doc class my film partner made a doc on a small group of marxist grad students from india discussing praxis#during a rally a few months ago in response to police presence the coalition invited palestinian students to speak about their experiences#and lead songs and read poems they wrote. these are STUDENTS. are they elitist too?#this is not to disregard my own personal privilege either.#this whole narrative's just to rationalize a lack of empathy to me. seeing a 19yo student get shot by a rubber bullet and your first#reaction is “HAW! HAW! bet richy rich didn't see THAT coming when she put on her terrorist hood!”#newsflash. these big uni campuses are HAUNTED by the violence of past protests and revolutions and police brutality. we know.#why do you think these coalitions have been making reinforced barricades at record speed
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divine intoxication
#tloz#ocarina of time#oot#ganondorf#i think abt how oot was the first time he’d ever transformed into beast ganon and i cri#and how it seems like in any scenario where he gets to return to being a human he tries to stay that way#or at least not be controlled by a power that turns him into something else completely. like make it into a puppet he can control#and even in TP when he turns into dark beast ganon it looks like he was initially trying to reform back into a human but lost control#and doesnt even. try to go back to that form. doesn’t even acknowledge it just fights you as a human for the last 2 phases#i feel like while ganondorf and ganon are the same actual person their mental states are just so far deviated from each other that it’s#frightening for ganon to imagine being reduced back to a human being with no power#and frightening for ganondorf to imagine returning to a state that is completely uninhibited and often devoid of rational thought#which to me is like. an extreme version of having severe mood swings. or being on/off medication and feeling like 2 different people#idk its interesting. ganondorf ganon dichotomy my love
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Also I love love loooove that the very first scene of book one is relos var and khaemezra in a bidding war for kihrin while he rapidly alternates back and forth between which of them is going to be less terrible for his life if they win because man if that isn’t a fantastic summary of the series as a whole.
#a chorus of dragons#genuinely i think this was the best possible place to start the books because like. MAN.#it instantly puts you on edge because both of these people/groups are clearly incredibly powerful and have a disturbingly strong interest in#kihrin. and they’re BUYING him they’re not interested in him as a person they want what he can give them they want to own him#and obviously khaemezra gets him and he quickly realizes she’s the better option and doesn’t actually want him as a slave but like. if rv#had won? he would have told him all the same things about her and made her the villain#idk it’s just that in the end he was a tool to BOTH OF THEM!!#they were both wrong and he was soso right to be wary of both of them and going back to that scene after i’d finished the series#after reading book two where we see how good relos var is at being rational and how he truly believes he’s saving the world#and book three where we see exactly how much khaemezra was manipulating kihrin from the start too and how far she’s willing to go#to ‘save the world’ herself… it’s insane
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does anyone else want to stick these two in the same room together or is that just me... i simply think they are adjacent in vibes... (+a bonus thing???)
get u a fictional guy that makes you feel like this... seeing these guys just evoke a Similar Kind of Brain Chemical and Response. Help Me.
also have bonus yosuke doodle featuring the same brushes used here...! from january 23rd, lol.
#fe3h#sylvain jose gautier#persona 4#yosuke hanamura#crossover#lizzy does art#umm... hi.... (looks away) this is cringe but i am free. what is life if not to draw your favorite characters together on the same canvas#for the record i do not intend to conflate these two as the same character because they are NOT#'lizz. what on EARTH do you see in these guys.' you know. i wish i could answer that. (actually. i can.)#experiencing both of these characters sent me into an absolute spiral of denial when i realized that i enjoyed them#Words Hard but Basically i think its fascinating how both sylvain and yosuke have like this happier front that they project outwards that-#masks the struggles that they don't want others to see... and while both of them do cringe shit thats incredibly stupid#both of these characters have shown themselves to have like?? actual braincells? (re: yosuke at the start of p4 + sylvain support convos)#granted the kinds of themes and messages each of them is meant to convey varies bc of the setting and stories they are in#the sylvain + yosuke pipeline.... oh also i think the fandoms tend to rationalize both of their behavior towards women as like.#a closeted bi case. it's kinda strange to me why they overlap in certain ways hm hm...#but its just so funny to me that like. idk. they're both unbearable. they irritating for a reason /s#i should really draw these two more often (in like separate illusts) they are so fun i love their color schemes and designs it sparks joy#ok ok god i had a lot more to say about that than i thought oops. um. yeah. i learned how to draw for stuff like this. worth itTM
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This is such a tangent btw but on the topic of guilt tripping and reblogs... I remember a few years back there were some terrible fires in Greece (and again this year, entire island villages are gone now) and at that time I had family who were caught in them. I can't describe the desperation I felt with these horrible things happening to my family and loved ones in my country. And I remember being frustrated and desperate with how no one around me in America really seemed to give a shit. I remember blogging asking people to PLEASE care please share something please reblog this link for mutual aid please think about the stories and fires etc etc etc. And the thing is I was very much in a state of grief myself, maybe not every word or action was perfectly reasonable, because I don't realistically expect everyone everywhere to care about every tragedy in the world. You can't. Emotionally it's just not possible, especially with all the stuff going on in the states rn too. Yeah it's a lot. It's not like I blog about every tragedy that ever happens either. I understand.
HOWEVER what I also remember was at this time there were a couple mutuals very clearly making vagueposts along the lines of "remember not everyone has the energy to care about everything in the world uwu" while I was posting about family who died and family who were drifting in the ocean for hours as their homes and loved ones burned. Listen. You have to understand sometimes that when a person in grief and frustration with things going on in their countries and communities impacts them very personally beg you to care... It's coming from a place of needing to see that care in the world in general. They're not holding a gun to your head Specifically saying you have to reblog the posts, if you don't have the energy just ignore it.
You don't have to go out of your way saying "um actually I can't care about the horrible stuff you and your family and your country are experiencing rn. I'm too busy focusing on my own stuff so can you be quiet or more reasonable with your grief thanks." Like. Just keep it to yourself then??? Have some fucking sympathy for other people and understand that maybe it's not always logical. The same way you don't have the emotional energy to think about every tragedy in the world, people who've been impacted by them often don't have the emotional energy to handle that alone and may seek somekinda community or solidarity. Idk. It's not about forcing shit on you sometimes it's not about you
#part of me thinks the 'we don't have time to care about everything all the time' has set us back a bit because it gets used as an excuse#bc most of the time no one is like asking you to become a hardcore advocate for every cause ever they're just saying like#hey reblog this donation post. and like I'm going to be real how much possible emotional energy is that really taking from you#compared to the actual activism the statement was meant for and such. like come on#surely less than complaining about people having the gull to ask you to give a shit right?#you can still have sympathy for multiple things without necessarily devoting a lot of your energy to said things you know?#doesn't mean you have to surround yourself with them to become the perfect most progressive activist or whatever#but you can like. idk. express sympathy or condolences in passing every now and then. like people normally do. idk#instead of being like 'how dare you ask me to care! there's issues in my own country i have to blog about!' are you for fucking real#but yeah enough time has passed that i can think more rationally about this and now know that that was a careless response#exactly the type of people you were afraid of being the representatives of the worlds apathy in your greif etc#but there are also people who do care is the thing#and obviously for the record I'm not mutuals w the former anymore bc like Christ
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dub natsu and sub natsu are 2 different people
#you agree. reblog.#idk how best to explain it but natsu's japanese VA and english VA = 2 characterizations of natsu in my head#and this might be why i struggle to find a nalu fic i actually like bc they might be too dependent on the dub#i think it's like the atittude or tone used by both VAs is slightly different and can be interpreated in 2 separate extremes#and the dub extreme gets on my nerves with fic but anyway this is just me rationalizing a separate topic#the topic is: natsu's VAs have different tone/atittude/vibes which my brain categorized as separate characterizations of Natsu#is this making sense?#natsu dragneel
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I have been thinking about Rufus and Sarah's chosen one & osirian dynamic, and how Victor Sr. said that everything went terribly wrong. And I wonder if their deteriorating friendship was caused by the Chosen One and Osirian bond?
Because from Victor Sr. words to Nina in the Senet cell, he says and i quote: " he [the osirian] will never be far behind." which implies that Rufus and Sarah (as well as Nina and Eddie) don't have any choice in the matter, and that they are connected whether they like it or not.
And I wonder if this hunger for power stems from Rufus feeling like he has no choice in the matter, that his life doesn't have any meaning, because the Universe/Fate/Gods had other plans. And it wouldn't suprise me if he started to resent Sarah for that, and he tried to become more powerful ( in his case, becoming immortal) just to feel some resemblance of control over his life, ( and to spite the universe in the process, a big fuck you if u will )
Like I don't think he woke up one day and went: " ahahah i'm evil now!" It was more of a gradual process, yk?
#house of anubis#sarah frobisher smythe#rufus zeno#like slowly he begins to justify some more...questionable choices in his quest for eternal life#not only to himself but to victor as well#like u have to be doing some full mental gymnastics#to arrive to the conclusion that kidnapping kids and starting a cult are actually good and rational ideas#i need a full on prequel dealing with victor/sarah/rufus deteriorating friendships and#especially how victor and rufus abused sarah's trust in their quest for immortal life#idk if this makes any sense but i hope i got my point across anyway
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Mysterious - Telepathy - Speed
#fhr#fallen hero#arsinoe#my art#sorry everyone for my messy handwriting#idk i dont think i'm all the way happy with the design#keep wanting to figure out how to incorporate like. acid drips??#but i havent figured out Where and i certainly don't know how to actually DRAW that lol#wearing your dead friend's name and their hands on ur face is a totally rational call as a supervillain#(the hands got added part of the way thru retri)#and i feel like the nanovore gauntlet should be. chunkier for containment purposes.#im clinging to the idea that Ortega and Chen didn’t see what exactly happened to Anathema with both hands#(and also I’m still a Sidestep’s Memory Is Fucked in regards to what actually happened truther so I’m not Sure the hands on face HAPPENED)#(at least not actually the way they dreamed it in rebirth)
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how do i do it though. how do i let go of the bitterness and the hardness when they kept me "okay" for so long? does it come when i finally leave? can it ever?
#babes i actually relate to the frigid angry woman more than im comfortable with but this time there's no prince coming to save her and idk#i was never beautiful but i was and am angry and capable and that's served me well but being angry is exhausting#it's a birthright i can't give to a younger sibling. it doesn't transfer.#i dont inspire devotion. there's no version of this that ends with me waltzing with a true love.#im not the type you launch a thousand ships for.#so what's left?#who am i when i have no one? when ive spent my life making *me* less to make others more? when im nothing but a useful piece of furniture.#i know God loves me! i love Him! but it's not the same. i want *people* to love me. i want to be someone that theyd fight for.#im feeling that 'women have minds and hearts but im so lonely' scene from little women 2019 so much right now.#except im not jo. my family loves me but theyd never do for me what jo's would do for her. theyre also all focused on surviving.#i feel like a military ration. there to be consumed but cast aside the moment something more palatable comes around.#how do i become consumed with joy? how do i let go of the cynicism? its all thats kept me safe! but its choking me too.#its like tony stark in iron man 2. the thing thats kept me alive this far is killing me. i need to find an alternative but its looking like#ill have to synthesize a new element to make it happen and that freaks me out.#ive always been derivative. never an individual. how do i become a trailblazer when my job was always to hold the hand of the one blazing#the trail? how do i become myself happy and free?#because i WANT to be more#i WANT to be more than anger and coldness and a useful idiot. i WANT to be me and be so so happy#but i dont know how to get there#and if someone suggests therapy im shooting you. i dont want to listen to one more person pretend to care about me and tell me#all the things i need to change and spend even longer not learning how to think for myself#i want to be more than this. but i also cant stand the thought of taking up any more space than i do#anyway.#anyone who's read all this thank you and i promise im fine im just in my feelings today lol#im going to work out and get some happy brain chemicals flowing and then ill take a shower and itll all be good.#please dont worry about me! im just having A Moment TM#lilac rambles
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‧₊˚ ☽ ��
#also i wanna learn how to just like...#not unload on someone when i'm triggered and emotionally volatile and upset#and im stuck in like this little 12yr old kid's intense and overwhelming and confusing feelings#thats also mostly are rooted in self hatred and low self worth and an inferiority complex and just like yeah so insecure#bc when i say those things it's just a pained agonized scream and all of those things#are just what me skewed with emotional pain is thinking#not what the actual me feels#bc yeah that isnt what i actually mean or want to say#and most of it is also missunderstood bc im not able of delivering it how i mean it#so yeah i just so badly wanna learn how to just wait and hold my tongue#take a step back and take a breath and just think ruminate reflect etc etc and then calm down and feel less crazy#and get out n the other side of that pain induced little space in my head :////#bc i end up saying things that just are not what i mean and are riddled with insecurity and just like not a good or rational place#bc u cant take it back#bc u have already vomited all of these skewed things u've said out of pain and low self worth#i just dont know how to regulate my emotions#and idk what the line between venting and unloading is#but yeah omfg when i do calm down i feel so ashamed of everything i've said and i've also hurt someone and im just like#fuck why did i say that???? what??? and like just bc i feel smth in a moment bc of pain doesnt mean that is the conclusion i'll come to lat#after i've thought abt it and thought abt reality and what is important etc etc#just life FUCKKKK!!!!! i wanna scream im so frustrated w myself but idk how to learn this??? idk how!!! :(((
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It’s been almost exactly one year since i got a fucking miraculous scholarship to go to Ireland for one semester and I got to live fake life for 3 months in a house with 15 gay art students who all became my very close friends. Two of them texted me today and the group chat still pops off every day but I’m emo cuz idk. Phones aint real….. why are u inside my phone…. come out. I think they should all move to my state and become neighbors with me. anyway… (continues solemnly packing up my belongings in preparation to go back to my evil not fun school where everyone is evil and not fun)
#I miss them so bad I literally bawled crazy style when we all left#I’m SO bad at keeping contact over the phone#I’m so convinced that texting people is annoying even though I know rationally that’s not true and that people want to hear from me lol#idk where that came from. I used to be like normal at it#like in high school. I was a Normal Texter#WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!!#actually the scholarship wasn’t miraculous I got it bc I dunt have money and studying abroad is a graduation requirement#but it felt miraculous because of how slay everyone was there I can’t believe that was real#it feels fake because it was so badass but lasted 0.3 seconds
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are we really back to "oh you support (blank)? name ten people who (do/are) that right now or else youre lying for allyship points and everything you have to say should be disregarded". i thought we left that back in like. 2012 misogynist nerdbro culture
#i have seen it on two entirely separate topics lately and its like. hello?????#'if you cant name 10 trans authors off the top of your head you shouldnt be talking about trans issues full stop.#i dont think thats an unreasonable expectation for anyone wanting to engage in rational discourse' how about we all go outside#because like yeah i couldnt name you too many trans authors but given my transgenderismness i think i do in#fact still deserve a seat at the table. and i dont think there should be a prerequisite academic education level to be allowed to talk.#'but you could find them for free-' yes‚ you can‚ but people should still be allowed to a) choose what they read based#off of what interests them and not mildly-to-extremely dense nonfiction writing and still Talk About Their Own Lives And Have#Opinions#shockingly not reading a lot of one specific type of author doesnt prevent a person from having reasonable and valuable opinions#if youre not capable of parsing someones argument because theyre not well-read enough then that just imo means you dont actually understand#the things youve read to be able to give them a synopsis#this isnt school. we're not being graded. there is no required reading and you are perfectly capable of giving people an#explanation on your stances if theyre unfamiliar with them#i had a b) but i dont remember what it was‚ i think it probably was part of what i covered there that i thought was a separate thought#but yeah just like. idk you can just say 'hey i would really recommend reading xyz but to summarize‚ (thing that disproves them)'#it is not . difficult to either Explain yourself or‚ if that is not possible‚ Not be condescending to the person youre not willing to teach#for not knowing#ill stop there bc ive already done that ramble before but. yes#origibberish#edit: ok upon reread i got turned around and switched from addressing the less educated one conveying their arguments#to the more well read one#bc that was the b is i was gonna talk about both#yall get what i mean though just like. split it in half and flip it turnways
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hello u havent burned to death right? be safe ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
yeah i'm okay don't worry <33 i caught it rlly early because i wasn't smelling anything from a distance yet i just got the nervous thought and when i got close i started smelling it but it's been resolved and the room was aired out :•]
#inbox#zoe 💿#the only downside is it's feeding my prophetic thinking?? idk how you call it#i've had a LOT of instances lately feeding my belief that all my thoughts are actually prophecies so im 😭 trying to stay rational#but y'know how it is. it is okay though. i will just keep myself busy forever and that will solve everything 💪
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e4 🤝 e7
self indulgence
#i wish ppl talked more about how e4s are self indulgent#i think bc its more masochistic ppl don't talk about it as much#but the type i connect with the most is definitely e7#always disatisfied always rationalizing always reframing and trying to understand what the fuck is going on#always reaching for more#might just be a frustration triad thing actually#idk. e7s annoy the shit out of me but i love em#im listening to an album by a so7 and the way he talks abt indulgence and literally begging to be bored is so real#i havent felt bored in awhile#vent#<- kinda lol
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This is the image my brain sends me anytime I feel anxious about any situation btw
and I have to say buddy...my dude...that makes no sense and we are not doing that.
#me to myself: leave forever and ghost them. they will like this and feel relieved of a burden#rational part of my brain: but they just said I am doing an excellent job and they're glad I'm here??#I am slowly but surely getting way better about this#but it is still a struggle as a highly accomplished Avoider with years of experience#the urge is always there#making this meme edit actually kind of helped me work through it this go round though lol#me talking#the cut is so you can avoid the negativity if you want#it is just very negative self talk but them image does say 'you' so I feel bad just slapping that on someone's dash#and idk how to tag this. I guess#vent post#?
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