#but idk what im supposed to do here idk what to say
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mom asked me what’s wrong and i said i’m tired and she asked why don’t i just go sleep. well on account of not being able to do that, mostly
#eye guy speaks#uc posting#‘why can’t you sleep’ the ulcers???? you know this…..#plus it’s not even comfortable to lie in bed at all because i have to lie on my back#also i’m more than just tired im kinda weak n whatever#but i didn’t wanna explain all that and have her get more upset#she asked why i haven’t talked to the dr. then got upset because the dr isn’t doing anything to help#well what are they supposed to do right now. i’m just waiting on the meds to finally start working#i already told her i’ve been doing better idk what she wants from me#and when she asks how i’m feeling and i just go ‘eh’ she always wants More than that#i don’t want to say more. i don’t want to talk and talk and talk about it#i just wanna sit and not talk. im tired.#when im shuffling around the house or making a strained expression she always asks Why#she asks if i’m ok and i say Yes because if i said No she’d freak out#but then she asks Then why are you doing that and i say The Ulcers and she says So you’re not ok then#and asks if i need to go to the hospital#i know she’s just worried she worries so much#but idk what im supposed to do here idk what to say
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axolotl
#covers my face. this is dumb theyre dumb idk what was going thru my mind making this.h#i like this brush tho i think ill keep using it#i had this thought awhile ago that axolotls kind of remind me of macs ears. and i had a nice thought that if wukong ever saw one#he'd say the same thing. and thats why im sitting here with my head in my hands#macaque doesnt know if hes embarassed amused or straight up smitten. its all 3#i have such a hard time drawing necks and shoulders.. mac is supposed to kind of hunch up his shoulders#the way some ppl do when they bow their neck down kind oflike. defensive-tucking in position when theyre making themselves small#i cant really get it to look right so it kinda looks like his head is sunken too close to his shoulders. so i guess ill keep practising#maybe if i brought his head closer to the collarbone it will look better. but i struggle with foreshortening so theres a chance itll#just look like his neck starts at the collar. ughhh#god have mercy if i ever draw hugs. i hate positioning the shoulder i hate hate hate it. 10 dead 17 injured#i have new design note ideas for em but ill post another time#myart#doodles#lego monkie kid#lmk#monkie kid#shadowpeach#lmk sun wukong#lmk swk#lmk macaque#lmk six eared macaque#lmk liu er mihou
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it's funny. I keep making all these posts defending Aziraphale and it's because there's this annoying trend in the fandom to villainize him while simultaneously woobifying Crowley, so there's a need for more Aziraphale perspective
but I was thinking, if we stopped looking at fandom for a minute, and just regarded Aziraphale as a character, how would I criticize him or his choices?
then I realized I wouldn't cos my wife did nothing wrong in her life
#joking? ish?#idk man#like the biggest sticking points are what?#he wanted to change crowley and he abandoned crowley#both of which are just wrong#there was never another option for aziraphale#if you look closely at his character arc you'd realize so#he's a protector first and foremost#but alright you say he shouldn't have gone back to heaven anyway#and what?#try to protect humanity by egging on a bunch of 12 year olds again?#stand by and watch other angels be horribly treated?#and watch humans' lives be toyed with?#like seriously what was he supposed to do?#im genuinely asking here.#even if he didn't offer to change crowley even if crowley could tag along to help him#while remaining a demon#CROWLEY STILL WOULDN'T HAVE SAID YES#so. the solution is for him to just sit tight? and watch the world end when he could've stopped it from a position of power?#yeah great#maybe i wasn't joking after all#sary rants
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something that is like the baseline of amys entire character to me is that shes lonely. shes clingy and physically affectionate in a way none of her friends really are, shes always getting pushed aside and left behind. yeah, she helps out people she doesnt know because shes a nice person, but also, she sees part of herself in them. she wont leave someone else behind because she knows the feeling —and more importantly, hates the feeling. if she doesnt have somebody to stand by her and be there for her, then shes going to be that person for everybody else. something something her obsession with sonic is really just like a manifestation of that desire for closeness with someone, and she thinks that romance is the only way to get that. idk... this hedgehog can have so many abandonment issues.
#me posts#amy rose#sth#sonic the hedgehog#and this is not to say at all that romance is the only way to have 'real' love or anything#just that yknow part of her breaking free of that would also be realizing that she just wants closeness with someone and it doesnt-#-have to be romantic#aroace amy could fit this i suppose and she just doesnt know it yknow. thats not my hc but i support their beliefs if that makes sense#she wants to be loved and she wants to love and she doesnt really get a big outlet for that so she shares it with everyone she sees#also i didnt wanna jam up the post but GAMMA!! this is partially abt gamma she helps him find out how to love and how to find joy in it-#-bc its what she wants for herself. she sees him and sees how completely alone he is and she wants to help him. idk idk something something#-when she was locked in the cell she saw part of herself staring back at her#gamma parallels to amy is SLEPT ON i stg i could make a whole other post about it#idk.. whenever im writing amy or just thinking abt how shed interact with others its always from the lens that she craves closeness with-#-others. she wants people to just stay for once.#does this make any sense. idk man im rambling here#my worst nightmare is characterizing her wrong its such a fine line and sometimes the words do not come out of my brain right#btw this is NOT me dissing amy i love amy. she is like top three favorite character.#important context: im typing this with amy firefox theme rn ok. ok im an amy fan.#she points at the minimize button like shes telling me to log off#jesus christ i just scrolled back up i love to put a whole other post in the notes dont i
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Ignore if you don’t want to read about me being stupid once again
#pls dont read if you cant handle venting and whining#once again i am here to say that i am the loneliest person alive and i feel like i can’t grasp the basic consept of friendship and do it lol#like idk how to be friends#i feel like i will forever be sad and lonely#and i know everyone will say you can talk to me and i know that but i’ve just been by myself for so long that i don’t remember how to have#actual conversations with people i feel like i am disconnected from reality#i feel like i am an extremely unlikeable person and that’s why i was all alone in highschool and idk i am oversharing on the internet again#because it’s the only place i kind of feel safe doing it#pls take care of yourselves first before comfoting me or anything im sorry i sound very pathetic#how do i start living again#how does one live anyway#im just in my head all the time#this was supposed to be hot girl summer but it’s once again summertime sadness#im so stupid!!!#im so anxious and depressed that i dont know what to do with myself#im so sorry for oversharing i have a therapist dont worry im kind of taking care of myself#but the eternal loneliness just wont let me go#idk how to be a person anymore#i’m just sad#thinking of going to a church and pretend to be a believer so i could have a community again lol
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pls i need to provide updates
#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year#and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire#and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f#friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl#acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what#are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and#friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me!#LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after#everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to#invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me#i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother#and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids#so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo#any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷♀️#but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd#and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk#THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date#w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a#few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay#scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK#like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl#like is that even doable#but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much#.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us#god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x#but it would be soooo funny#I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed#popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x#i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like#its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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...
#ugh. im so tried. why is crying so exhausting? i havent done anything. this is bullshit#we went from a slow motion breakdown to full on freakout meltdown today#luckily no one was around in the lab this morning bc i couldnt stop crying#so i went to the counseling center and made myself their problem#canceled my committee meeting. which everyone tells me is fine. its all fine#think about going home for a while they say. maybe tell ur dad ur having a bad time thry say#but im so tired. and i dont kno what to do and its all falling apart#i just feel like im brushing up against the limits of what i can do intellectually and its like well where do i go from here?#what do i do with my old data? how do i move my project forward? whats the point of any of this?#why did i put myself in this position? would taking a leave even help? id still have to come back to the same mess#its just so frustrating bc theres no solution ill find satisfying. everything just sucks.#idk what my advisor even told my committee. bc we were supposed to meet tomorrow morning. ugh. it would have been so bad#it also sucks bc im so drained that i can just feel my own weight when im trying to talk to ppl#like u kno when ur being a wet blanket but u dont kno how to fix it. like srry my vibes r wretched. maybe im just stuck like this#i dunno. my dad invited us home for a week in july and also plans to come out to visit me in August. but that seems like a long time away#i dunno what im gonna do. what a disaster#unrelated
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in my hater era
#sophie speaks#tw vent#like. what. what???#i do try not to upset anyone with trauma dumping or whatever but sometimes that bites me in the ass because people assume I'm not strugglin#struggling hugely#had one of my most violent meltdowns ever recently and it was after pushing myself to do something#and you know. thats on me#but saying like#im NOT trying??#i dont want to start any problems but oh my GOD what do you think being sick constantly does to a person#what???#trying to be a proper adult here but i am quite upset#idk how are you supposed to deal with shit like this#express this has upset you and that you are having a hard time#but then they dont believe you??#trauma dump it is. hope you enjoy my psychiatrists notes#like im level 2 support needs autistic. i need a little fucking leeway or i genuinely try to kill myself#i KNOW its pathetic i KNOW its weak but my number one priority is keep myself alive#im so tired#ive been suicidal for like 7 years now#my life sucks so incredibly hard and I'm in constant pain and that just#it doesnt make me willing to deal with this shit#cripplepunk core lmao#cripple and im going to kill you#this is just geniunely upsetting#i feel like i need a good cry#i really am so tired#i feel like i just dont want to do this#why am i paying for this? why am i doing this?#if im not enjoying this why the fuck would i do it
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funniest thing in my art class was presenting my sculpture and hearing the critiques while internally thinking like "um youre misgendering this object here by using he/him... you see it's actually based off of a shadow that uses she/they pronouns" like god i felt so stupid i couldnt say anyhting
#like what was i supposed to do. explain my oc lore to my class? no thanks LOL.#i dont think sil would be like. Against he/him pronouns but i think that insisting she's a guy for not being particularly feminine would#piss them off. and anyway idk it just rlly made me think about shallow perceptions of gender and how that relates to the art scene.#if that makes any sense. like how stereotypically feminine does an abstracted featureless androgynous figure have to present itself#for the pronouns/gender to not be assumed like that? it says a lot that we bring these notions of gender and slap them onto artist's work s#swiftly without a second thought. i wouldnt expect ppl to know but at the same time like... huh! idk! didnt really think about the idea of#like. sculptures needing pronouns listed?? i guess?? does anyone get what im saying here 😭 i feel like i dont have the right words#in my head rn like does this make any sense?? whateverrr just some thoughts i guess#anis gaymer moments#oc tag#<- i guess. since this whole thing is about sil after all lol. um would anyone like to ask me questions about sil that would be awesome
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being in pain is so isolating nd alienating lol >.<
#bc the thing is nobody cares abt your pain. like that's simply human psychology#so even if that's how the human mind is built nd it's understandable. it still sucks to receive so little sympathy nd understanding#like i mean ppl get sick nd tired of u when u talk abt the pain nd just want u to stop complaining nd be positive#nd they're rlly unsympathetic nd just want u to shut up nd do the things you're supposed to do without whining#so yes idk having to shut up abt it makes me feel like im stuck all alone inside this miserable bubble#either way im getting better nd better at not talking abt it!!!!! even on here i dont say like 80% of what i wanna vent abt sksksks#ppl always treat me as if im exaggarating or just anxious nd worried nd that i need to relax nd that everythings fine#so i've gotten way better at keeping it inside nd not bothering anyone w it!!! thats good#i mean it hurts nd makes me feel isolated buuut it's better than being a burden nd a bother nd making ppl roll their eyes nd sigh at me#but it's also so hard for me to seek medical attention for anything bc i feel like im just being dramatic nd annoying#idk... anyway so many things i wanna complain abt rn pain wise but im doing so good at shutting up abt them i need a gold star ⭐️#hand in hand w this im getting better at just shutting up nd doing what ppl want me to do nd think im supposed to do even if im in pain
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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#so far in my sporadic picking away at various manga series i feel i have the weirdest reader relationships with JJBA and Attack on Titan#when reading JJBA i am not really that invested in the characters or even whats happening to them and yet i still never decide to dnf it#and i dont even know what it is that keeps me reading except that its just very unique i suppose?#such an odd combo of different things that somehow manages to eventually have its own sorta cohesive logic and charm#also the art is just fun. its ornate and goofy and macho and flamboyant and gross#but as soon as i put it down i stop thinking about it too#and dont feel like picking it up again for at least several more days#with attack on titan i found the art style mostly really bad at first ngl#it reminded me of awkward drawings a high schooler would make like the inconsistentness#of like there are good action poses here but the people also look weird ugly bland and stiff and the backgrounds are often so empty#idk i was feeling pretty blah about it but something about how starkly straight-forward the story is was interesting to me#where its literally exactly what you heard its just#theres a bunch of humanoid giants attacking our city#and we have to stop them. that's it#and also the awkwardness of the art style i find works extremely well when it comes to the titans#like they are genuinely creepy to me. and they do actually feel massive the way theyre drawn. and the mystery around them interests me too#anyways im like 60% through part 1 of jojo(also read most of part 4 a few years ago) and only on vol 3 of AoT#but yeah those are the 2 series i have the most mixed feelings about so far#wouldnt say i love or hate either of them but still also continue to want to find out more#13readsmanga#p
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#this girl was joking about another girl in my batch fasting on karvachauth for her boyfriend and it was the light jokes so it was okay#but then she said why is she doing it her caste is completely different from his her parents would kill her#and that how college relationships are only for time being until you're in college and you're there for each other's support#and that nothing in college couples is that serious and they may turn out just good friends in future#and there's no reason to worship your love because it's just 'casual'??!!#ive so many feelings and a little heartbreak#ive already tried thinking about future but you know it 2ould just spiral me and thinking tha ahead doesn't make sense know#logically speaking she's right that we can go through SO MANY changes during the college years and no one knows anything ahead#but idk like i love him its not just oh im in college and ive got a boyfriend to get my nights busier and go on silly pretend dates#i didn't date anyone for nineteen years because i just wouldn't date anyone#its just surprising me as well how i came here so clueless and how everything led to each other and then into us#and i don't say stuff like marriage and kids because that's too huge. just too huge right now to think off#and that's also a way of keeping myself humble#and i would love love love to think about a future too not just yet it's too quick and im okay understanding everything rather than diving#but what she said. is so um its messing with my brain#ofc im not letting it over weigh me not at least from a person who's with multiple seniors#sends all her money to her so called youtuber bf#and goes to private places with some other guy#who's in everything for casual#but i don't know what im supposed to do with it right now#playing around my head#or maybe i should just trust the process
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#im sorry if my friend who texts like a boomer texts me ANYTHING like 'im feeling pretty awful but whatever' again im gonna scream#idk what it is but it makes me wanna tear out my hair#OHHHHHHHH wait i DO know what it is . plus it's just sooooo like. passive aggressive adjacent wtf am i supposed to do with that#ive been here too many times man just say what's up!!!!!!!!!! if you feel bad that sucks!!! that's not whatever that's shitty!!!#or am i being too mean??? it's just soooooooo#and they really text in a way that drives me up the wall. and then the other day they let me read their texts to another friend#and they were so like. normal and conversational? DJFHJDFH WHAT DID I DO THEN#do i text them like i usually do? of course not i will almost always adjust to whatever you're doing but man.#none of this matters btw obviously it matters that they feel bad but i just needed to vent for a sec
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Oh tho. Despite being at a concert at a bar with easy opportunity to have drinks. I looked at the menu as if I was gonna order anything, then thought to myself, "You don't drink anymore, hon" and went "Oh, right" then just got water.
So???? Given how matter of fact that thought was, maybe I really am fully sober from alcohol now. Interesting thought.
#speculation nation#cant say im fully sober all the time completely bc i may or may not have done a weed or two in recent weeks#but that's neither here nor there#well ok it is in fact here. in this conversation. bc it's relevant.#i just dont want to drink alcohol anymore. period. even when i was having a breakdown i didnt want to drink.#and even when i was at a concert venue having the time of my life. i didnt want to drink.#the thought of alcohol just does not appeal to me anymore. not with the connotations it has now.#but in lieu of that. i gave a little edible or two a try. since i already knew i fucking hated smoking weed#still wont do that. but a little recreational dabbling in a social setting... yea ok ive done a little#not interested in doing this kind of thing alone tho. or even regularly.#but for special occasions. in a social setting. since i dont drink alcohol anymore. this is a Way To Go.#alcohol ment/#drugs ment/#i think ill b posting about the drinking thing less now. bc this felt pretty conclusive to me.#ive been wavering on it for 2 and a half months now. unsure whether it was just the trauma and grief of it all.#i mean. it is. that's precisely why i am so suddenly no longer drinking.#but time is going by and ive had several opportunities to drink. times i wouldve taken in the past.#but my heart solidly told me No. i didnt want that.#and ykno what even with 0 alcohol i had the time of my fucking life at that concert.#26 going on 27 and suddenly completely sober because my dad died from alcoholism.#one of those things where. well. drinking isnt good for you anyways.#so if i dont wanna do it. well thats actually better for me in the end. so might as well lean into it.#idk whether this will be an actual longterm thing. but i suppose i'll find out!#for now at least. i have no interest in drinking. and so it shall remain in the near future.
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