#but if I used the same criteria I use now for making fandom playlists more than half of them wouldn’t have been added in the first place

[h0rsegirlpercy]

Oooh what if I posted songs and then had u guys vote on how insane 12 year old me was for putting them on her pjo playlist

[beautifulpersonpeach]

On BTS's Success Being Inorganic (Repost)

Anonymous: Hi BPP, Apologies in advance for a controversial topic but hopefully we can buckle in and have a civilized discussion.

What are your thoughts on 'organic' success? As a Dope Old Person, I am finding myself a bit nostalgic for a time when high charting singles appeared to represent current popular music. I say 'appeared' because we know payola has always been there. In the real world, though, you actually heard the song a lot, probably knew people who liked or owned it, etc. A Billboard Top 10 hit was part of the US zeitgeist and essentially 'organic'. With the advent of technology over the past 20 years, people now have the opportunity to flood the streaming and purchasing channels with numbers to support their favorites. If you can amass a decent online following, you can essentially guarantee a hit, regardless of how many people actually like the music. (Aside: What is the point of a chart? To gauge popularity and trends as of old? Or to see how fanatic a fan base is? Just count $?). BTS have made incredible music and ARMY's desire to get them noticed is warranted. It speaks volumes that they have managed #1 hits in both English and Korean (only the 23rd most spoken language). And while the music is great and the messages behind it inspiring, we should consider that some portion of that success is actually excess. People streaming 24/7 and buying multiple physical copies drive up numbers and takes away from the 'organic' growth. (Aside again: ugh the environmental wastefulness of physical sales and the shipping of the multiple copies.) As the excess has finally started to pay off over the last few years with #1s, real media coverage, and rapidly expanding fandom, I think we should start to think about easing up to let the organic growth return. I love the exposure of the #1 or another record getting smashed but if it doesn't have staying power because it is due to this excess, it doesn't feel as good. I'm not saying this retreat needs to happen immediately given the likelihood of a mainly Korean album will once again need some targeted support. But someday, I'd like to know they've grown enough to enable us to get back to casual enjoyment and watch the locals everywhere bop along to their new favorite BTS tune that they discovered organically.

***

Hi Anon,

I found your ask very interesting, because you start by acknowledging “…...'appeared' because we know payola has always been there…” but then you end your ask like this, “I think we should start to think about easing up to let the organic growth return”. You start your ask by questioning the ‘organic’ distinction even back then, but then you end your ask longing for an 'organic’ success you weren’t sure even existed to begin with.

I’ve actually written about this tangentially before in a reblog on the recent change to BB’s rules, linked here - it’s a bit longwinded but I also link in some articles that offer more insight with facts and figures if that’s something you’re interested in. But I’ll summarize my views here again and directly refer to a few statements you make in your ask.

I’m generally uneasy when people try to apply the 'organic’ or 'inorganic’ labels to minority artists. Generally speaking. Because we all know the barriers to entry are just not the same for them compared to their White/Western counterparts, in a system that has never been organic.

The way I see it, the charts and the system that creates those charts has never been ‘organic’, at least not in the last two decades (which you admit to), but what was different is that the people who determined what was popular were the ‘middle men’ i.e. record labels, radio DJs, streaming platform playlisters, etc, through their own version of ‘excess’ i.e. payola, ‘auxiliary promotions’ on radio, and opaque playlisting criteria for playlists that artists have said they sometimes need to pay money to be added on (at least in the case of Spotify). You mention how “In the real world, though, you actually heard the song a lot,” but the reason you heard the song a lot is because it was always played on radio, an industry notoriously plagued by payola, which would then boost the song or artist’s reach, and lead to people you know liking it and buying that music.

What has changed in the last two decades is that it is no longer the Middle Men who have total control over what is determined to be popular. It is now fans, the people who actually listen to the music, who have found ways to make their streams and purchases (or demand) show, to become too big to ignore, to give artists they view as having ‘organic’ demand, a real chance to actually show up on charts that are supposed to measure sales equivalent units.

Because that’s what those charts are actually supposed to measure: sales as a proxy for popularity, and as I’ve said before, outside of concert ticket sales, direct music sales are the most transparent way to actually support an artist and to determine demand or popularity of an artist. Streaming and radio are too opaque as mechanisms to weigh the most in that equation, but they’ve been given more weight by the industry because otherwise those mechanisms will be less profitable to the Middle Men. Al that's changed recently is that the demand from fans now partly determines what shows up in charts. And doesn’t it follow that it is whoever has more fans for a piece of music, not whoever has a bigger/stronger music label, that should show up on a chart that’s supposed to measure sales?

Let’s look at two different artists and I’ll speak very generally about them here: Bad Bunny and Olivia Rodrigo. One artist is American, the other is Puerto Rican and has mostly a Latam fanbase. Both artists have ‘amassed a decent online following’, and both artists have had their songs dominate on the charts. Do you know what happened when Olivia was first announced to have a concert (with several other ‘big’ artists) for iheartsradio last year? After several weeks of near constant promoting (I was seeing ads at least twice a day), there was so little demand that iheartsradio started offering free tickets to people who wanted to bring a plus one. Think about that. They were essentially paying for people to come see an artist whose songs were consistently in the Top 5 songs on the Hot 100 for roughly a year. Bad Bunny on the other hand, doesn’t struggle to sell out concerts (though of venues smaller than for BTS). He has a somewhat grassroots fanbase and in the last year I’ve become good friends with some people in his fb, to know they’re totally grassroots, but organized (and able to get away with some illegal methods that ARMYs are under too much scrutiny to try, and most ARMYs aren’t interested in those methods anyway tbh). Perhaps contrary to Olivia’s case, for Bad Bunny it’s not a record label that’s inflating his demand, it’s actual fans who will show up to see him live, to hear that music, that are maybe multiplying their purchasing power by 2 or 4 times to beat the ‘excess’ from the other artist’s record label. Because excess is something you’ll see on the charts in any case.

Why is it more tolerable for middle-men (record labels) to control the way music is consumed and ultimately valued, rather than consumers (fans and supporters)? As I’ve said before, fans buying music is really not the end of the world though BB and other industry gate-keepers act like it is. Every artist hopes an ever increasing number of people buy their music, and BTS happens to have an ever expanding fanbase.

Personally, I use concert showings as a good rule of thumb to determine how ‘organic’ an artist’s demand or popularity is, and it’s a fact that no artist on the planet right now is doing as well as BTS in that area. Literally the only person in recent history who has done better than BTS’s recent concerts has been Bruce Springsteen, and even then he’s only above BTS because he had a longer tour period than BTS’s four-night shows. And you can recall how back then, you’d hear Springsteen‘s music all over. Heck he’s now hailed as belonging to the canon of classic American pop/rock. BTS should technically have as much if not more recognition today, and in a sense they do (I sometimes hear BTS's songs in the gym, cafe, random spots all over my small Western city), but BTS sing primarily in Korean, not English and not Spanish (that American radio tolerates more), but in Korean, and the charts ding them significantly for it.

As I said, I use concert showings as a sort of rule of thumb or litmus test, so the day I see BTS concerts lose demand, is the day I’ll start to think maybe ARMYs should ‘retreat’ a little, as you say. Because I suspect the reason you’re sending me this ask in the first place is because you’re concerned people buying/streaming the way you think they do, is unsustainable, and that people will burn out in some way. And if this is true, it would necessitate a “retreat”, as you’ve put it. You’re not wrong. If people were indeed putting in labour to levels you seem to imply, it would be extremely unsustainable and tiresome. My issue with this point is that people have been saying this about BTS and ARMY since 2017… and the fandom has only grown, the boys’ reach only further expanded… the complete opposite of any signs of burn out or unsustainable consumption of music and art. And maybe it’s only coincidence that BTS’s concert showings have only increased as well, more than tripled in fact, all the things that would happen if their popularity, demand, and success was actually… wait for it…

*

*

*

Organic.

*

Even with all this said, many of the the things you mentioned as indicative of 'organic’ success (“you actually heard the song a lot, probably knew people who liked or owned it, etc. A Billboard Top 10 hit was part of the US zeitgeist and essentially “organic.””), actually apply more to BTS than to many Western artists and certainly more than to any k-pop group, period. Whatever we think about the Pandemic English Trilogy, what it certainly accomplished for BTS was that it did exactly that - I heard Butter in my gym yesterday almost a year after its release, My Universe still gets ridiculous airplay in Germany, France, and Japan according to the radio charts, and I’ve seen more than one reactor mention how they’ve heard Dynamite before without knowing it was a k-pop song. BTS is now at least as mainstream (or part of the US zeitgeist) as Bad Bunny is, if not more. BTS is now more of a household name in more countries in the world than any k-pop group ever, and in some cases are even more known (and loved) than some Western artists even in the US. BTS is now the reason most people have even heard of something called k-pop.

Payola in all its forms, is excess. But the only excess being obsessively hunted down and punished by the industry, is the excess generated by fans or the people actually consuming the music. And the reality is that though ARMYs aren’t doing anything other fandoms aren’t, there’s disproportionate scrutiny on ARMYs because a lot of people (k-pop fans, Western music fans, k-pop record labels and agencies, Western music producers and labels, etc) are sick and tired of seeing BTS on the charts even though concerts and sales show there is at least as much demand for BTS as there is for Bruce Springsteen and Drake. And these other parties think it is in their best interest for BTS and ARMYs to be rendered obsolete. That’s not meant to sound alarmist, it’s just what it is. So even if ARMYs continue playing by the rules, people will continue to characterize ARMYs and BTS’s efforts and success using the most uncharitable language, selectively applying the rules, and basically the industry will give ARMYs a hard time this particular comeback, and probably many more comebacks in the future. It doesn’t matter that the ‘mass’ applied to ARMYs is more a consequence of huge absolute numbers of fans sharing, listening to, and buying music, than relative effort per fan in streaming/buying a shit tonne of music, as it is for most k-pop fans. And it’s not like BigHit is paying a huge amount for payola either when compared to agencies that boost MV views with paid ads/playlisting and mediaplay, which continues to place BTS at a disadvantage compared to labels that have been under investigation for payola in an industry notorious for its practice.

The core of the fanbase will probably always support BTS, regardless of the medium. They have adapted to changing rules over the last six years and will try to keep adapting, despite a changing music landscape for BTS and a new influx of fans who might not really understand why ARMYs support BTS nor see the need to. I don’t know how successful the fandom will continue to be in this regard, but I think for most fans, the placement on the charts hasn’t ever been the primary goal. The main goal for ARMYs has always been to make the artists they love feel seen and supported by the people they make music for.

Originally posted: May 8th, 2022 7:33am

[homosexualslug]

Sam Questions, made by @gaysuperhell and tagged by @blahdose(gaysuperhell this is the best tumblr questionnaire I have ever seen thank u for ur service) - Sibling status (younger, middle, older, only child)*

*TECHNICALLY oldest but was raised separately so I have only child energy - How long have you been stanning Sam for: Honestly since I started watching 2007/S3ish, I always vibed with Sam more than Dean. Nowadays I'm a SPN Ladies stan first and equal parts Cas and Sam stan second, Dean is just the most fun to psychoanalyze - Favorite SPN Season, but if the only criteria was Sam’s hair: SEASON EIGHT! It's so lush and beautiful and POWERFUL! Sometimes I just stare at it instead of paying attention to whatever's happening! - Favorite Sam-centric episode: Mystery Spot is still a fave because of him, boy really went through the spectrum of human emotion in those 50 minutes. Runner-ups: After School Special, The Man Who Knew Too Much, and Just My Imagination (I have a soft spot for young Sam lore) -Favorite Sam era: Season 4! He is no longer baby, he want power! But only because he thinks he's saving the world! Also, can't call it a whole arc but the taste we got of Samwitch throughout S13-S15 makes yearn for more. -Favorite song you would/have put in a Sam playlist: Don't have a Sam playlist but do have a very Sam-esque OC so tie between "Bottom of the Deep Blue Sea" by Missio, "Dark Speed" by Failure, and "Undefeated" by Incubus with honorable mention to Marina's "Bubblegum Bitch"

-Any ships you may like to mention: Saileen since Day 1, SamRuby (yeah yeah I know but look), Samwena (enjoy them as platonic mentor/mentee too), Sastiel (also enjoy as chaotic besties but damn if they wouldn't have been healthier for each other), Sam and Max Banes had potential - If you could steal one thing from Sam’s wardrobe, it would be: Purple dog shirt or the Hoodie™️ from 15x06 - You must have some intense headcanons you need to talk about, tell me one Sam hc that drives you insane: Stealing from HBO SPN - that Sam's a health nut because fruits/veggies don't have salt and won't make his throat burn because demon blood! - Complete the sentence: If Sam cishet, then WHY....: queer allegory about being kicked out by his dad and having something wrong with him? HMMM - Favorite unhinged Sam moment: Outside of all of Season 4 I'd also say 1) exorcising a half-dozen demons at once in My Bloody Valentine 2) third act of Mystery Spot and 3) literally shooting GOD - Tell me something about the HBO Sam that lives in your brain: Salt allergy, reflex whispering "christo" to see if hurts, angel healing makes him sick, etc. - Biggest injustice Supernatural commited against Sam (be as brief or as ranty as you desire): Boy oh boy 1) Ignoring most of his post-S7 trauma (Gadreel, BMOL torture, Lucifer, losing the hunters, etc) because the writers relied on him bouncing back faster than Dean 2) Never letting him know THE Voicemail was fake! 3) Blurry Wife because the misogyny of it all is so 2005 4) Being blamed for the apocalypse, being soulless, stopping hunting, etc. 5) The fact that Lucifer came back so many times and he didn't get to kill him ONCE as a treat

Also this is more @ the fandom, but how much Sam get ignored when talking about parenting Jack! Sam, who nurtured him and showed him kindness from Day 1! Who taught him how to use his abilities! Who didn't become what Lucifer wanted him to be and only wanted the same for Jack! - Oh no, the writers forgot to give Jess a personality! Now it’s up to you. Tell me, what was Jess like: True crime fan, super competitive at board games, got into law to help the little man, bisexual

- And finally, just say something about him that makes you smile ♥ : That he believes no one is truly beyond saving! That you can always choose to be a better person! That you decide who you are, no one else! Also, the fact that I got my first Bisexual Haircut as an excuse to cosplay him (thank u sam for being part of my queer journey)

Tagging @leydhawk @justsayingit @fangurl and any other Sam fans who follow me!

[cramenjoyer]

@gaysuperhell tagged me!! adding a read more cuz its Long

Sibling status (younger, middle, older, only child...) - 

younger middle, but we don't live with the youngest so... youngest child (derogatory)

How long have you been stanning for - 

been stanning for at least a year n a half... idk beyond that. i was in weird main fandom and destiel circles for a while there

Favorite Sam era - 

evil sexy summer with ruby between s3-4, and then s4 is close behind it because he calmed down a little and i think he deserved to remain feral actually!!

Favorite spn season, but if the only criteria was Sam’s hair - 

either all of s2 or the very beginning of s14 with the beard

Favorite Sam-centric episode - 

i know what you did last summer..... hrnng.

Any ships you may like to mention - 

im not a shipper really but samjess is lovely

Favorite song you would/have put in a Sam playlist -

jesus christ by brand new

If you could steal one thing from Sam’s wardrobe, it would be -

carhartt jacket. ofc.

Complete the sentence: If Sam cishet, then WHY.... -

transgender lesbian?

Favorite unhinged Sam moment -

killing paris hilton, the demons in the famine episode ("wait your turn!"), and killing alastair. all are sooooo epic of him.

You must have some intense headcanons you need to talk about, tell me one Sam hc that drives you insane -

jewish convert sam or adhd sam they both make me foam at the mouth.

Tell me something about the hbo Sam that lives in your brain -

[TW DRUGS]

hbo sam buys anti-psychotics off the street and takes two pills when he can afford it with money stolen off men at bars and out of donation boxes. he just wants to be able to sleep for once, and to keep the horrible paranoia away for one night. he wears an oversized jean jacket jess bought him; he'd left it at the party on halloween, and his friend gave it back to him the day after the fire with his condolences. it still smells faintly of jess and it never stops smelling like her- he doesn't think about why that is. hbo sam's eyes are a little too golden to be entirely natural, especially in the light, and he can see in the dark better than anyone should be able to. lights flicker around him when he's angry, and they sizzle and pop when he's excited. the air trembles when he stims. he always looks exhausted, but there's a power inside him that takes people by surprise when he speaks.

Oh no, the writers forgot to give Jess a personality! Now it’s up to you. Tell me, what was Jess like -

ancient studies and religion major! she and brady were friends cuz they were in american history together and he cheated off her once sophomore year and she thought it was rude and she somehow managed to convince him to do study sessions with her. then post-thanksgiving brady introduced her to sam. she and sam were in the same comparitive religion class the next semester and they got coffee together and it went from there. she had a sleeve tattoo that she added more flowers to regularly, whenever she had the cash, and she'd fill in the black outlines with colored sharpies to match her outfit when she went to parties cuz she thought it was fun. she really liked late 1800s literature but especially little women and frankenstein. she was obsessed with greek mythology as a kid and had her gay awakening watching xena: warrior princess with her little brother (he does not know this). she wants to study religion and ancient studies because she's lowkey highkey obsessed with humanity as a concept and she loves the idea of people thousands of years ago thinking the same things and feeling the same way we do now. whenever she thinks about the handprints in caves all across the world she bursts into tears. she's a compulsive fingernail biter so she always paints her nails funky colors to stop from doing it, which doesn't ever work but she's trying. it took her years to grow out her hair this long, since her family always insisted she keep it short as a kid when she played soccer, and she loves it now that she can actually do things with it! she loves braiding sam's hair for him.her favorite flowers are daisies and her favorite color is light blue and she's the one who cut sam's college girl bangs in a dorm bathroom. she's jewish and she invites sam to her house for holidays because her family only lives an hour outside palo alto, and he's mesmerized by all of it; her favorite holiday's purim and it becomes his favorite holiday, too. her family isn't homophobic but they're the kind of democrats who keep quiet about things, and she knows they'd still love her if she came out as a lesbian, but she doesn't know if she'd be able to handle them looking at her strange. so she and sam keep it to themselves that he only uses he/him because he's used to it, and that he's as much a guy as she is.Biggest injustice Supernatural commited against Sam (be as brief or as ranty as you desire) - religious arc and spn being christian in general. i can't imagine sam being christian i just cannot do it even though it's fun to play with. sam IS an excatholic jewish convert and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have muslim hc's because @toxicsamruby got me hooked this morning.And finally, just say something about him that makes you smile ♥ - his dimples!! his BIIIIG smile with the dimples when he's so genuinely happy and carefree like in the scene with bobby where he's leaning against the impala w a beer. no i don't remember anything else about the scene i was entranced! he looked like this :D

i’m tagging @sammysstupidshirts @boykingofhells @samuelswinchester @quakersamwinchester @toxicsamruby and @samaelwinchester !!!

[ckret2]

So I’ve got a Spotify playlist consisting of the compiled contents of 81 different Alastor-centric playlists, like I just copied the contents of every single playlist I could find with no cultivation, no filtering, and no censoring. The one limitation I put was no duplicates of the same song—although multiple versions of the same song off different albums was allowed.

And since then I’ve been listening to this all-packed-together playlist on shuffle. It’s brought up several comments/questions. Highlights include:

- To every single person that includes a romance song with lines like “baby you’re my angel” or the like: are you a Radiodust shipper actually referring to Angel, or are you a Charlastor shipper referring to Charlie’s “fallen angel” heritage?

- One of you included an entire creepypasta story about the devil talking a man into killing his ex-wife and her lover as part of a 500-step-long plan to conceive the Antichrist and I’m not quite sure why it was on an Alastor playlist but I appreciate the characterization of the devil in it. I guess a creepypasta is kind of a radioplay of sorts? Maybe more Alastor playlists should just have random radioplays mixed in.

- To the person who included half a Kidz Bop album on their Alastor playlist: I’m not judging, I just wanna know why. I want to understand. I really want to understand.

- I respect all you people that included song covers by Scott Bradlee’s Postmodern Jukebox and I understand where you’re coming from, but like, if you’re not familiar with music genres from before 1990, I suggest you look up which genre a given PMJ cover is trying to emulate, because if you’re stuffing PMJ covers on a playlist specifically to make them “sound like” Alastor’s era or because you’re going for “songs Alastor would like because they sound like what he’s used to,” then a PMJ cover that makes a 1990s song sound like a 1970s song isn’t quite in the right neighborhood.

- There are different philosophies that go into making a character playlist. Some go “the genre has to fit the character’s era and/or personal tastes, whether or not the lyrics do.” Some go “the lyrics have to fit the character, genre be damned.” Some go “these songs were big/popular when I was into this character so that’s what I associated with them.” Some go “these songs are really out there for the canon character but fit my headcanons.” Some people may have totally different criteria I haven’t even thought of! Anyway the point is: when you mix over eighty playlists together, you get every single playlist-making philosophy mixed together, and it’s an exciting experience to listen to.

- And on that note: every single genre on the planet is on this playlist. We’ve got Britney Spears, we’ve got Vocaloid, we’ve got Thomas Sanders (we’ve got a LOT of Thomas Sanders), we’ve got My Chemical Romance, Two Steps from Hell, Barry Manilow, Oingo Boingo, Within Temptation, Madonna, Kesha, Hans Zimmer, ... we’ve got the poppiest pop, emo, metal, electronic, folk, rap, rock, movie soundtracks, TV soundtracks, classical, disco, country, KPop, Carrie Underwood, every single decade for the last 150 years... and I’m deliberately leaving out all the jazz, swing, electroswing, and musicals, because those are a given for Alastor. Obviously those ones dominate the playlist but it’s amazing how much variety there is outside them.

- I’m frankly amazed by how much of this playlist is Thomas Sanders and Bendy and the Ink Machine. Like. It’s a notable quantity.

- That said, actually the playlist doesn’t quite include every single genre. Like, for example: I can tell y’all want to lean into Alastor’s New Orleanian/Louisianan/Creole roots from how many songs I’ve seen that include words like voodoo, Creole, New Orleans, bayou, uhhhh The Princess & the Frog, etc... And yet aside from a few New Orleanian jazz artists so far I have crossed paths with very little Louisianan music compared to, say... Undertale songs. So here. Start with some Cajun, try some Mardi Gras songs, I’m not totally sure how much of this playlist is “actually from Louisiana” and how much is “other people making songs that they think are Louisianan” but try this one anyway, and once you’ve oriented yourself a bit dig in here. I wanna see ten Alastor playlists with one song that includes “Zydeco” in the title or album name, stat. Sure, we know Alastor’s all jazz and swing and musicals, but I sure don’t listen to only three genres, you probably don’t listen to only three genres, and Mr. Radio Guy Whose Public Title Includes The Word “Radio” Who Likes Bursting Spontaneously Into Musical Numbers probably listens to more genres than you and me combined, and those genres probably started with what was local & accessible & common around where he grew up.

- Then again I haven’t listened to this whole playlist yet, sometimes I put it on shuffle and sometimes I put it in alphabetical order to try to slowly work through it from top to bottom (I’ve made it mostly through the C’s) so maybe y’all hid the Cajun & Creole music down in the D’s. But lemme say this: while randomly shuffling through the playlist, I’ve randomly run into multiple Irish drinking songs & shanties, and randomly run into zero zydeco, so like from those of you who follow the “music that sounds like what the character listens to” philosophy of playlist-making, non-jazz Louisianan music could use a lil more representation. If there’s room for twenty-six Billie Eilish songs there’s room for one BeauSoleil song. (I’m partial to “L’ouragon,” but you do you)

- Somewhere in this massive mixed playlist there are three parody medleys of Disney songs rewritten to be like “here are grimdark edgy lyrics about all of the terrible real-world things happening to the cultures depicted in these Disney movies!” and like, okay, I can see why that merits inclusion in an Alastor playlist, his big moment in the pilot was “take an optimistic song worthy of a Disney princess and rewrite it with grimdark edgy lyrics,” but those three songs still annoy the hell out of me because the specific way they frame the concept of their songs is that Disney movies/songs are “full of lies” and these songs reveal the lies. And then it’s things like... “Aladdin got captured and interrogated by the CIA,” which is definitely a thing that happened to a character living in an ambiguous time period that predates the existence of the United States, much less the CIA, much less the CIA’s meddling in the middle east, by several centuries. Disney was definitely lying about the reality of Aladdin’s day-to-day existence by not depicting American imperialism that predates America. Or “the characters in The Princess & the Frog have to deal with the fallout of Hurricane Katrina,” like, yeah, Disney sure is pulling the wool over our eyes by dishonestly denying the devastating consequences the 2005 hurricane had on 1920s New Orleans. Listen the lyrics are clever and all the things they discuss are real salient social issues but it still drives me nuts that the songs are framed like they’re revealing “lies” being told when half of the movies are taking place in (fantasy versions of!) time periods or locations where the issues they’re discussing didn’t apply, if they’d just framed that one line differently— Okay, okay, I’m finished, I’m done, I’ve got it out of my system

- Every single love song makes me go “are you imagining this song with a ship (and if so which ship) or do you just think Alastor would be into this song?” The question goes double for songs from the 20s/30s, because the odds that they added it to their playlist just because they think Alastor would like the song increases.

- On the other hand, if whoever added “A Formidable Marinade” isn’t a Charlastor shipper I will eat my hat. Also nice work on the gory cannibalism sex song.

- Every once in a while I’ll run into a song that makes me go, now how the heck did you end up on an Alastor playlist? Does this song line up with someone’s very specific headcanons and/or fanfic plot? Do they think Alastor would like this song? Did they happen to like the song and like Alastor at the same time and so they associate them with each other? Examples: “I Got You (I Feel Good)”, “iRobot” (is it the emotionlessness of being post-death?? do they headcanon that he’s got radio hardware replacing his guts?? is it a post-breakup ship song??), “Greensleves”, “Barbra Streisand” (the song, not the singer), “Jolene,” “The Last Steampunk Waltz,” “Seven Nights in Eire,” “Cruel Angel’s Thesis,” and the person who included half a Kidz Bop album, please, I just wanna talk—

- Every time I hear a song that includes the words “hell,” “sinner,” “smile,” or “radio,” I go, “Haha. Nice.”

- An incomplete list of songs that amused me for how on point they are: “Hotel California” (how often do you have a fandom where “Hotel California” is actually very blatantly fitting without having to twist through an extended & convoluted metaphorical interpretation?), “The Hunting Song,” “The Axeman’s Jazz,” and “Time Again”

- I sort of hate whoever put “Circus” by Britney Spears in their playlist and made me realize that lyrically it’s a perfect Alastor song because it is.

- *scrolls past six versions of “I’m Always Chasing Rainbows”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past five versions of “It Don’t Mean A Thing (If It Ain’t Got That Swing)”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past a song from Bambi* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past five versions of “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile”* Haha. Nice.

- *scrolls past eleven versions of “Sing Sing Sing”* Haha. Nice.

- What’s with those of y’all putting steampunk songs in Alastor playlists? Listen, listen: steampunk vibes are for Sir Pentious. Swing vibes are for Alastor. Don’t cross the streams. Take your steampunk songs and make Sir Pentious playlists with them. He could use more playlists.

- The playlist includes 39 songs that include “smile” somewhere in the title.

[yumi-michiyo]

[The Shortest Distance] - extended author’s notes and meta

Watch this space! Instead of making a whole new post for each chapter, I'll be compiling everything here as I post the chapters. [Updated 27th January 2019]

Rating: M for language and explicit sexual content. TW for mentions of eating disorders and anxiety

Genre: Slice of Life/Angst/Friendship/Humour/Hurt/Comfort/Fluff/Romance/Friends to Lovers

Couples: Marley Rose/Quinn Fabray (main), side Santana Lopez/Rachel Berry, side Finn Hudson/Brittany Pierce, side Wade "Unique" Adams/OMC

Pairings: Marley Rose/Quinn Fabray, mentioned Marley Rose/Jake Puckerman, Rachel Berry/Quinn Fabray friendship, Quinn Fabray/Santana Lopez friendship, Marley Rose/Wade "Unique" Adams friendship, all the friendships okay

Summary: It starts with a friendship composed of books, lazy summer afternoons, and understanding; and blossoms into more. Slowburn Fabrose. Season 4 canon divergence!AU.

Links: FF.net | AO3

On the origins:

This. Work. Took. Too. Long.

Seriously, the plot got written, scrapped, revived and revised, scrapped, etc. far too many times to count. From being a slight supernatural!AU like For You I'd Burn the Length and Breadth of Sky, to a fic running parallel to canon, to a canon fix-it fic... I'd all but thrown in the towel on this. Most of it only existed in a scraps folder in my Google Drive, and I'd go add more unconnected scraps whenever I needed a break from other WIPs.

Eventually, the scraps accumulated such that there was some semblance of plot, and I got very fond of some long scenes; enough that there was motivation to turn it into a fic on its own.

On the writing process:

A few scraps and loose ends from my other Fabrose fic found their way inside, but quickly grew into their own thing. I think the reason why I've struggled so much with this fic is because I don't have a good handle of Marley's character. I'll be the first to admit that I don't even like many of the canon main characters, and that my headcanons are mostly derived from other fanfic, but there isn't much Marley in the first place, meaning I had to work hard lol.

Most of the actual writing took place in transit, on my weeny iPhone 6s screen, with my overworked thumbs. Not something I recommend to casual writers. I upgraded my phone! Now I have a much larger screen for on-the-go writing, and a new mechanical keyboard for editing/more stream-of-consciousness ramblings.

On the chapter titles:

A special mention! I don't think I've written much about how I choose my fic titles; I think it's because half the time it's a slapdash process, and the other half comes with a lot of thinking.

I love music, and it shows when I use plenty of song lyrics in fics and titles. My taste in music is pretty eclectic, but I can assure you that I actually like all the songs I pick for my writing, and I'm not just picking random profound-sounding lyrics off the Interwebs lol.

I do have a few criteria for picking song lyrics. One, it has to be relevant to the subject lol. Two, it has to have some depth which alludes to whatever hidden message is in the fic. Three, of course it's something I actually enjoy, as mentioned earlier. I think this is really important because I do pick up music recommendations from fanfic, and treasure them for the positive assocations brought from fic I've enjoyed. I think it's important to do the same.

Instead of linking endlessly, I've created a YouTube playlist collecting all the music used in this fic. Find it here.

Prologue: Title is from Marina and the Diamonds. I loved her first album Electra Heart and not because she was covered on Glee; Marina has this punchy, catchy style with awesome lyrics. She later released Froot, another genius work that needs a lot more attention than it's gotten.

Part One: Another Marina and the Diamonds lyric. Can I just take this opportunity to plug her album?

Part Two: Sam Smith, my love. His music always makes me want to write the angstiest, most heartbreaking things. He's one of the few artists out there now who writes the most obscure and complicated feelings into music.

Part Three: This was supposed to be the title of the entire fic, but I forgot lol. I like the Charles Bukowski quote better, but at the very least this wonderful song from Leonard Cohen gets a mention.

Part Four: Very different in tone from all the previous songs mentioned. I found the Arctic Monkeys' lyrics to be deep and intriguing, which is interesting compared to their melodies and catchy beat.

Part Five: This was a struggle! There are so many good songs out there with really great lyrics that could fit into the chapter and the themes I was going for, but in the end, I went back to Lea (as I tend to do for my fics). I wanted that aimless feeling Marley has for most of the chapter.

Part Six: I love Yellowcard. I've been a fan for more than a decade, for their excellent lyrics and wonderful melodies, their instrumentation and their creativity. Most of their songs deal with heartbreak, so it's rare that I come across a song of theirs that encapsulates so well what I wanted to convey in their early relationship.

Part Seven: One of my best buddies, IRL and in fandom, loves K-pop. She's been trying to brainwash me for years, and so far she's been having quite a lot of success; I've written a few things that are inspired by K-pop lyrics. The inspiration for this fic came from a new song from Mamamoo, which is made up of four very talented ladies.

Part Eight: I haven't been discovering music for a while, but Paramore's latest album was a pretty refreshing find. I was looking for something light that described the mood of this chapter.

Part Nine: Apparently, Vienna Teng's work has been something of a mainstay in fandom; which makes sense, with her poignant lyrics and soulful piano ballads. I discovered her through the Studio Ghibli fanfics written by Saddletank, who makes extensive use of her music with great effect.

Part Ten: I discovered the genius of Fleetwood Mac through Glee. It was the perfect time, now that I was going through things IRL that made the music relatable and meaningful. While not one of my favourite songs, the lyrics resonate best with the chapter.

Part Eleven: William Ryan Key (better known as the frontman of the pop-punk band Yellowcard) recently launched a solo career. He writes the gentlest, most profound acoustic ballads I have ever heard. Most of what I envision Marley's music to be is his work (with elements of Kina Grannis' artistry and Sara Bareilles' lyrics), and I would pay good money to hear Melissa actually perform his songs.

Part Twelve: Those who read my fics can definitely tell that I'm a massive Sara Bareilles fan. The woman is a delightful human being, and an immensely talented singer-songwriter (is it obvious I have a thing for talented people?). Again, the reasons for picking songs is really to set the mood and atmosphere for the chapter; the lyrics may or may not be directly relevant to the story.

Part Thirteen: Kina Grannis recently rose to fame performing a cover of Elvis' Can't Help Fallin' in Love With You in the movie Crazy Rich Asians. I love her style and interpretation of songs.

Part Fourteen: It's rare when canon and fanon intersect, and I'm always very happy to make a big production out of it. I loved Melissa's performance of this song, and I was actively looking for some way I could give it a nod. And so when I was writing this chapter, I listened to it on repeat.

Part Fifteen: It's always nice when things work out :) earlier I had a Marley song, and now it's Quinn's turn (conveniently ignoring Puck's part lol). While Marley's part was about taking the plunge, Quinn's was about getting over past hurts and building a stronger relationship.

Epilogue: I've used Sara Bareilles' music plenty of times in my work. Normally, I hate reusing music, but it was impossible to pass up the opportunity to use this beautiful song to wrap up a giant labour of love.

General Meta:

Prologue-Part One: These two chapters were intended to set the tone of the early relationship between canon!Marley and canon!Quinn, which then contrasts their new/old relationship when they meet again a few years later. They establish a friendship out of common interests (and a lack of anything better to do) which I think also gets them to understand each other a little better. I hope.

I took this opportunity to also set the friendship between Marley and Unique. Strong female (?) friendships are something always lacking in Glee, and I wanted to pay homage to these two awesome ladies. Also, Unique and Marley's friendship acts as a foil to the one Quinn and Marley start to forge here - because, clearly, the latter two are gonna end up together lol.

Part Two: Rachel gets introduced! Again, more comparing and contrasting: Quinn and Rachel's friendship vs Marley and Unique's, Quinn and Marley's friendship vs Quinn and Rachel's. Our girls also start to open up to each other. Recently, I've been following Chuck Palahniuk's writing advice (which I have printed out and stuck on my wall): Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.

Part Three: A bit more background, a bit more development. In the previous chapter Marley opened up to Quinn about her eating disorder, in this one Quinn starts to open up about some of her past. It was hard writing this one mostly because Marley, unlike Rachel, wasn't privy to a lot of the things Quinn went through (this plays a big part in their relationship after they get together later down the line).

Rachel and Santana are together in this one! I would say more stuff about foils, comparing and constrasting, but by now you should've noticed it's something I do a lot. It's crucial that they're together in this fic because the girls do help our clueless pair move things along.

Also, I think y'all are pleased that I finally had Quinn dump her (off-screen) boyfriend lol.

Part Four: I loved writing this chapter. Now that we've established the friendship between our girls, I panned out a bit to cover more of the world they live in, and the people and events that shape their lives. It was a bit of a challenge since Quinn is now working, and Marley still a college student, but I hope I've done a decent job.

I get the feeling y'all hate me for putting Marley with some random man, but I think it's important. Marley is still very underdeveloped as a character herself, with loads of confused feelings. She needs to mature a little more emotionally, make decisions for herself, experience a little heartbreak, before she can be ready for an emotional minefield like Quinn Fabray.

It's not a coincidence that Quinn's ex is named Blake, and Marley's (soon to be ex?) is named Alex, by the way... Also, speaking of names, it will likely never be mentioned in the fic but Stan's full first name is Æthelstan (poor dude). Valentino is an arowana because of that fantastic expression. I headcanon that he's always judging the goings-on in that apartment.

Part Five: THEY FINALLY KISSED ALKSFHO

In which the girls take a step forward after nearly 60k+ words of slowburn - trust me, it was killing me almost as much as it was killing you guys. But I was trying to make it was organic as possible, and as y'all know Marley doesn't have much of a stable romantic background to draw from, and her closest role models are all certifiably insane.

There are a lot of challenges upcoming for them, which I will have to spend a good deal of time delineating. I am really invested in these two at this point.

Part Six: After all that slowburn, my brain kinda went into overdrive. The draft I had for this fic originally ended here, but I couldn't do that to you guys aren't you glad I didn't. So the first half came into being, with its gratituous fluff and their friends' reactions.

The second half came while I was developing Millie's reaction; I wanted to make a comparison between Millie and Judy as single moms. But to be a foil to how open Millie is, Judy had to be the bad mom. I hadn't intended her to come off as so cruel, but she's not truly evil. Quinn has to get her sharp tongue from somewhere LOL.

Also! Finn and Brittany! I gave them a brief moment in my other fic For You I'd Burn the Length and Breadth of Sky but killed Finn off uwu. I've been fond of this rarepair for a long time now, and it seemed fitting to put another rarepair into this fic. Additionally, I am such a sucker for couple angst, like the Rachel/Santana/Finn/Brittany dynamic. They really deserve a fic of their own, the poor things, but we'll see how it goes. This fic is primarily a Marley/Quinn, and will remain that way because I lack the mental capacity and patience to write a fic with two main couples without wanting to gouge my eyes out.

Some of you active and astute readers might notice a lot of mentions of stuff foreshadowed earlier in the fic, with extremely tiny throwaway moments being revisited in this chapter. I assure you this wasn't intentional, and I'm in no way the awesome and masterful writer all this makes me out to be.

Part Seven: Dear god, I was so busy with life I totally forgot to write the author's notes for this chapter... Anyway, the entire thing is about tying up loose ends. They're dealing with their problems while the shadow of Marley leaving hangs over them, and making the best of their time together.

And yes! I heard a lot of happy squeals when this fic finally earned its M rating. For those of you who are wondering about the sudden sexytimes in the middle of bigger issues, well... let's just say that it has consequences.

On a side note, I hope none of you out there were rooting for Marley to stay in NY. Don't worry, this is a romance fic, and there will be a happy ending.

Part Eight: When you don't have time to update the author's notes when you update the story... This was a pretty interesting chapter to write. Mostly because I was figuring out how they build up after the loose ends in the previous chapter have been taken care of.

Not really knowing Marley's canon character has been an obstacle in writing this fic, right from the beginning. She's also not a popular fanfic character but I do like a challenge.

Can you tell I watched La La Land as research for life in LA for this chapter? The music has been pretty stuck in my head too but none of it really fit the mood for this chapter, so I was forced to omit it. But yes, some of the bits and locales in the movie sneak into this fic.

Part Nine: Quinn's trip to LA, and the various things they get up to. Lots of indulgent fluff and smut, and a dash of plot at the end...

Part Ten: I love the friendship Marley and Santana have in this story. My headcanon for Santana is that she's the tough, worldly big sister type, and she's taken Marley under her wing. This is my attempt at advancing the plot by exploring the conflict in the long-distance relationship, with plenty of Marley-Santana-Rachel interaction (and throwing in loads of foreshadowing). Since there's so much heavy content, there's plenty of fluff to go around, padding the spaces between character development and plot. The Skype cooking idea was taken directly from my real life :)

Part Eleven: Mostly fallout from the drama in the previous chapter, and more advancement of the plot. It's intentional that there's so much drama, because it's something they both have (thanks canon) and I believe it's important for a healthy long-term relationship that they are able to resolve it. Also, Shelby is a convenient villain here, though I loved putting Beth into the mix, and having the characters react to the non-canon pairings in this fic. Doctor C makes a reappearance, as does Millie. Their growing absence from the main story is also intentional; Marley is growing into a character of her own, and she becomes less reliant on them.

Part Twelve: Initially I thought this chapter was going to be filler ahead of the big decision, but I was wrong. There was so much plot in this one ugh. I wanted Finn and Brittany to get their turn in the spotlight, but it had to be relevant to the plot as well. I wanted Marley to show us how much she'd grown over the course of the story, and from her canon self.

Part Thirteen: A lot of people thought they'd broken up in the previous chapter. I made them properly break up in this one >:) I wasn't going for a big dramatic shake-up or anything; the point was that people have relationship troubles. A lot of people have difficulty being an us, and this was supposed to be the result of the major cracks hinted at earlier, and the final part of their development as individuals before they can be in a relationship with each other. There's a lot of fluff and recovery; they have to break up to figure out how to be together, if that makes sense (but they do get their happy ending!)

Part Fourteen: The timeskip is important. It shows how far they've come, and the difference in how they now interact. While I can't show you how much Quinn's grown since this fic is from Marley's POV, I put as much of it into the story as humanly possible, and without making Marley into some mind-reading alien. Things are different now. The first break-up was necessary to put their past behind, and by getting together again, they're both prepared to work hard to grow from that. I do believe that it was absolutely necessary for them to break up to know exactly what they've lost.

Part Fifteen: The idea for this chapter came when watching Bones, and when talking to some friends. I needed to have them overcome what happened in the past, and symbolically walk forward together. Then I remembered a throwaway line about Rachel workshopping Jesse St James' musical, and the chapter pretty much wrote itself from there.

Epilogue: Not much in this one, honestly. I wanted to tie up loose ends, represent them moving forward without hesitation, and bring the story to a conclusion worthy of such a long journey. The smut was a bonus treat for everyone that's been following this.

On Marley Rose:

Confession: I don't watch Supergirl. There's only so much my poor heart can take from shipping non-canon lesbian couples who have a ton of onscreen chemistry, but who are paired off with guys. Bitter? Not I

So I take canon!Marley, pad her personality with a lot of extrapolation, add a hearty dose of logical explanation for inexplicable quirks from canon, and toss her into this fic to do a lot of growing up. If this sounds like a recipe, I think I'm too hungry.

Melissa's current turn on Broadway is inspiring a lot of the fic's direction.

On Quinn Fabray:

If it isn't already obvious that I'm in love with Quinn Fabray (and Dianna Agron for giving her so much depth), this fic should just help you reach that conclusion lol. no thanks to R*** M*****

The other Fabrose I wrote is from Quinn's POV, who basically spends the whole time sorting out her issues and stumbling into something she had never imagined could happen to her. This one is from Marley's POV, and also features her sorting out a ton of personal issues.

A lot of Quinn's character and experiences with her mother is taken from real life LOL.

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[purplesurveys]

1203

survey by vyvyan86

Section 1 – Who were you?

Think back as far as you can. What is the first memory you have? This gets asked a loooooot in surveys and I’ve answered this many times, but my earliest memory is of me waking up in a Winnie the Pooh tent with my sister when I was 3 and she was 1. Our parents took us ‘camping’ which was really nothing more than a tent set up in their room.

What is something you remember enjoying very much as a small child? Reading took up pretty much my entire personality. I was always found with one no matter where I was and it was all I received as presents since my relatives and my parents’ friends knew how much I liked to read at a young age. Shame that hobby’s gone now.

How old were you, when you made your very first friend? I was in kindergarten and I was 4.

Are you still friends with this person today? No, she transferred schools in the first grade and I’ve never kept contact with her since.

Was there a story somebody read or told you that has stuck with you? I loved the book Tikki Tikki Tembo and reread it so many times. The main character’s long name is definitely filed in my head under, ‘things I unnecessarily memorize by heart.’

What is something you get an immense feeling of nostalgia from? Shows or movies from my childhood, like Lizzie McGuire and High School Musical.

As a child, were you a sore loser or a sore winner? I was a sore loser and have still retained elements of it to this day.

Did you go through the "naked phase"? No, I was really shy to be seen naked and even when I was still at that age where someone else had to give me a bath, I already felt conscious and would cover myself up.

Which television shows do you watch the most as a child? When I was a KID kid, I liked watching Hi-5, LazyTown, Art Attack, and Spongebob. As I got older (but still a kid), I took a liking to watching shows meant for older audiences even though I couldn’t always understand the jokes or plots, like Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, Suite Life, etc.

Did you play with siblings, neighbourhood kids or by yourself? I was able to experience all of these.

Is there something you really miss from your childhood today? It’s really just the smaller list of things to worry about. And smaller problems, overall.

Section 2 – Likes and interests

Would you ever like to try competitive pinball playing? No. I don’t even enjoy playing pinball casually, so I don’t see myself taking it up on a competitive level.

Do you knit, crochet or cross stitch? I’ve dabbled in embroidery, if that counts. It’s nice that there are kits available online that already have templates that I’ll just have to trace, since I’m not very creative myself and am not capable of making any artwork from scratch.

Have you ever, or would you like to attend a gaming or comic convention? Yessssss. I’m not a big fan of either, but those conventions have always looked like a ton of fun and I would most likely go so I can view exhibits and look at everyone’s cool cosplays.

What's your opinion on online multiplayer games? I don’t have an opinion on them; I don’t play them, but I don’t have a reason to actively dislike them, either.

Do you like to go cycling? If so, where? I am interested in cycling but I don’t even know how to ride a bike. I know of some friends who’ve been able to bike all the way to Tagaytay and it makes me sooooooooo envious.

Have you ever tried woodturning? If not, would you like to? Maybe not that particular method but I do find wood carving relaxing and would like to try it out sometime.

Do you enjoy drawing? If so, what do you usually draw? I can’t draw at all.

Have you ever attended a painting class? If so, what did you create? I haven’t attended a class but I’ve dabbled in painting, in general – again, mostly through painting kits that already have templates and that already supply me with the colors I need. I’ve never finished any of the images though.

How about a creative writing course? If so, did you get any feedback? I hate creative writing.

What is your favourite form of exercise? The rare times I do work out, I go for HIIT or Tabata exercises.

Section 3 – People

Who is the most important person in your life (besides yourself)? There isn’t one at the moment; I’m really just focusing on myself.

Do people generally approach you easily? I would say it’s 50/50. I’ve heard some people say they find me aloof, while others have no problem coming to me.

Do you get along with people well? If not, what's the problem? Yeah, I would say so. I don’t have bad blood with anyone and if I do it’s always because they’ve already something I didn’t like and I’ve made it a point to ignore them on purpose.

Do you enjoy being in crowds or do you prefer your own company? I can do with both. I treasure my alone time, but I also like being with people and would start to feel sad if I feel like I’ve been isolated for too long.

Which one of your friends have you known the longest? Angela.

Do you find it easy to make friends now? If not, what makes it difficult? I mean I’m in a very active fandom again, for one lol. I think that’s the biggest factor. It’s been SO much easier to find people who are into the same group and strike up conversations with them.

What is something about people that annoys you? I know too many people who always go the extra mile to bash on things that people are into, even though those interests never hurt anyone. It sucks. If you don’t like it just don’t talk about it? Don’t rain on people’s parade.

What is something about people that you really like? When they come together during crises.

If you live alone, what would be your criteria for a roommate? I’d appreciate someone who wasn’t too talkative. Obviously it’s ok to talk, but they don’t have to have a conversation with me every time we’re together. I feel as if I’d quickly grow annoyed with someone who was clingy or too extroverted. Some nice bonuses: If we have the same interests and/or if they know how to cook – I can balance the latter out by doing all the other needed chores.

How about criteria for a spouse, if you're single? I feel like I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here due to my horrible previous experience...but I’d really just appreciate someone who I know is committed to the relationship and will be willing to go through the ups and downs with me.

In general, what's your attitude towards people? I like to believe everyone is kind unless they give me a reason they aren’t.

Section 4 – Habits

What is something you do every day without fail? Vape.

What is your typical breakfast? Coffee or water, whichever I have time to prepare.

Which article of clothing do you like to wear the most? I stay at home these days because of the c-word, but I mostly wear tank tops these days because the weather is unbelievable.

Is there a TV show you watch habitually? It used to be Friends but I haven’t gone back to it in a while – I haven’t even watched the reunion special yet :/  It also used to be 2 Days 1 Night but I’ve since placed that at the backseat when I started getting into BTS last month. 

Where do you usually spend most of your day? In my room since that’s where I work.

Is there a product that you do not want to run out of? Vape pods and 3-in-1 coffee sachets.

What is your preferred mode of transport? My own car.

Do you usually have something playing in the background when you're home? These days I put on a work-themed playlist to keep me company during my shift but if I have to do something that’s thinking-intensive, like writing a press release, I have to switch it off.

Where do you usually get your groceries? I don’t really purchase groceries just yet. My parents switch up the stores they buy from every time.

How often do you go to your local park? We don’t have one.

Which of your hobbies do you indulge in most often? BTS...hahahahaha

Section 5 – Favourites and dislikes

What is your favourite fruit? I don’t like fruits.

How about your favourite berry? I also don’t like berries.

Which food do you highly dislike? Fruits.

What is your favourite song, and why? I don’t have an all-time favorite song but at the moment I would say it’s Butterfly by BTS.

What is a movie you cannot stand? Me Before You was money well-wasted.

Which trait in a person do you find most appealing? Not really a trait but I’m always fascinated to know about people’s hobbies, since I believe it’s able to tell me a lot about them.

Which trait puts you instantly off? How they think about certain socio-political issues.

Who is an actor/actress who you dislike so much you can't watch them? Amber Heard.

What colour are your favourite shoes? All my favorite shoes are white.

What is a smell that disgusts you to no end? Sinigang or rotten eggs and rice.

Which door handle/door knob do you like the most in your home? ??? This is random haha? Door knobs are pretty nasty to begin with, so I’ll just take a pass for this one.

Section 6 – Culture

What is something very typical to the culture of your home country? We’re very hospitable and would do anything to make you feel at home, whether it’s feeding you until feel like throwing up or giving you Tupperware upon Tupperware of leftovers that you can take home so that you won’t have to cook for a few days.

Do you enjoy art? If so, which form of art is the most enjoyable? Yes, I like looking at art and going to museums and exhibits is one of my favorite things to do. As for forms of art, I like paintings the most.

What is something about another country's culture you don't understand? I guess the one where tipping is viewed as an insult. 

Do you ever attend the theater? If so, which play did you see last? No, not really my type of art.

How about the opera or the ballet? I love watching ballet shows, but I would quickly grow bored with an opera.

Which dance troupe do you enjoy, if any? None.

Do you attend concerts or gigs? If so, which band did you see last? Only if I really really REALLY like the artist/group. I last saw Paramore.

Are you interested in foreign food? I love them and would be open to trying absolutely anything.

If so, which country's cuisine do you enjoy the most? It’s always a three-way tie among Indian, Thai, and Malaysian.

Do you enjoy stand-up comedy? If so, who is your favourite comic? No.

Do you contribute to culture in some way? If so, how? Not as much as I would want to. I do share some culture-related things on social media to raise awareness for them, especially if I find them fascinating; but I don’t exactly craft anything myself.

Section 7 – Charity

Do you volunteer your time to anything charitable? If so, what? There’s a local organization for stray/injured dogs and cats that I donate to. I’d love to put in some volunteer hours as well but I just don’t have the time. :(

Do you donate money to any charities? If so, which ones? ^ Oh, I guess I should’ve answered that here haha.

If you have pets, are any of them rescues from shelters? Arlee was.

Do you donate your old clothes, linen etc. to charitable organizations? I think my mom sometimes does that with our old clothes but she usually gives them away as hand-me-downs to other relatives.

If someone you know is in need, is it in your nature to offer help? Yes.

Have you ever donated Christmas presents to children of poor families? Not on my own volition but we did this in school before.

Have you ever had to rely on other people's charity? Not that I remember.

How do you feel about donating to charities endorsed by celebrities? I don’t mind it but I think it ultimately depends on the charity that they endorse. For instance I’ve read a lot of problematic sentiments about Susan G. Komen so I always disapprove whenever WWE does their yearly breast cancer awareness thing with them.

Is there a charity you absolutely never ever will not trust? PETA as an annoying one, for one.

Have you ever donated to a cause that had a person going door to door? I don’t think so.

In general, what is your opinion on charity? I support it wholeheartedly if the cause is genuine and not just a money-making scheme or if they are hyper-reactive about certain things.

Section 8 – Entertainment

Which was the very first video game you remember playing? That’s a good question that I don’t actually remember the answer to. Maybe Duck Hunt? I have very vague memories of waking up at my grandma’s place in Tondo and using the Nintendo gun thingy.

Which was the very first film you remember watching? Stuart Little 2.

What is your go-to form of entertainment? These days, BTS content.

Do you have a large collection of DVDs/Blu-Rays? Hahahaha I haven’t bought a DVD in nearly a decade. We haven’t thrown any of our DVDs out so I guess in a sense we still have a collection, but we never pop them on anymore as my family and I usually consume our entertainment online now.

How about music albums? I also haven’t bought an album in the same period of time but I’m starting again because of BTS. I've placed orders for their first five albums/mini-albums and they’re supposed to arrive in the country by July or August, so I can’t wait for that.

Do you prefer to have your music on vinyls, tapes, CDs or digital? CDs or digital would do.

When and where do you like to entertain yourself usually? Either in my room or in the living room, where the big TV is.

Do you ever binge watch shows? If so, what are you binging now? I’ve started on Hwarang but it’s not super bingewatch-worthy, mostly because of how slow I find the pacing to be. Good show, though.

What kinds of books do you like to read, if any? Autobiographies/memoirs.

Is there a book series you're currently collecting? Nope.

Is entertainment something you prefer to enjoy alone or with someone else? It’s always better with somebody else, to be honest.

Section 9 – Internet

Do you always have access to the Internet, wherever you go? If not, why? If I have data on my phone, then yeah.

Which website do you frequent the most? Google Suite, if it counts.

Which search engine do you prefer and trust the most? Google.

What do you use the Internet the most for? Working, lol.

Do you judge people who have their phones out all the time? If so, why? No, I’m indifferent about it. I’m pretty attached to my phone too so I get it.

If your connection goes down, what do you do? Turn on my data and continue on with my surfing, albeit feel slightly agitated.

Is there something you wish you could do online that isn't possible yet? I actually feel like there’s always already a website or service for anything I need to do on the internet, which is super convenient. Just last week Kata shared with me a website that’s instantly able to turn any photo into a transparent PNG file, which was awesome to discover.

Do you remember the first time you used the Internet? When was it? Yeah, the first website I ever went to was Friendster in like 2007, at a neighbor’s house that doubled as a small internet cafe.

What was a website you used to frequent that doesn't exist anymore? Multiply.

Do/Did you ever have your own website? No.

Isn't it great how much knowledge and info we have at our fingertips? Sure, but honestly I’m more scared than amazed at how much info is out there, and how much we don’t know is actually out there.

Section 10 – And finally...

What is something you consider to be highly controversial? Bad takes on socio-political issues, like refusing to acknowledge someone’s preferred pronouns or continuing to use someone’s deadname.

What kinds of jokes do you like the best? Idk, it doesn’t take a lot to make me laugh.

Is there a person who makes you laugh effortlessly? These days it’s Jimin lol.

Which part of your body do you like the least? My teeth.

What's something random, out of context you remember from your past? I don’t really feel like racking through my head rn hahaha sorry.

Do you wear shoes indoors? Not in Asia you won’t.

What's the silliest thing you've worn on your body in public? A princess dress I had to wear around for like 10 minutes as ‘punishment’ at a school fair.

What's the most important thing in your life right now? My job and doing well at it.

What is the most distant point on the planet that you've been from home? South Korea. I haven’t gone too far yet.

Do you enjoy trivia games? If so, which one's your favourite? I love trivia games and I’d join pretty much any of them.

Are you more logical or emotional? Emotional before, but I believe it’s more logical now