#but im working on that with a therapist (and on my own)
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therapy question for my friends in my computer, Specifically people w trauma, dissociative disorders, more stigmatized disorders in general, people who've been labelled "treatment resistant," etc. What type of therapy r u in and Does it help . bc cbt absolutely has not worked for me and idrk what to look into. i was in dbt when i was younger and that helped, and ive heard good things abt emdr (also bad things but we stay silly), but does any one have thoughts , advice, etc Bc i have got to get back in therapy at some point soon And preferably something long term
#text#im also reaching out to my school's therapist for a temporary person to talk to but for longer term#i really dont know what to go for at this point#trying reallyyyy hard to not fall into defeatist like 'i might as well just figure it out on my own and get really into ketamine bc nothing#else is going to work' and at least give stuff that isnt substance misuse a shot. and TRUST i have considered the substances#therapy tag#Oh also i have anons off here but if thats more comfortable 4 u feel free 2 send an ask on @meteoritesystem :}
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returning to watching horror films like chin up princess. no paranormally driven axe murderer chasing you rn 馃ズ
#it could always be worse! me personally if my head got put in a meat grinder i would NOT be thinking about being underpaid that one time#words of wisdom with hella#this is genuinely something i always do to like. ground myself when im upset and yes i know it's incredibly invalidating of my own feelings#or whatever the fuck. but it's also a bit funny#like in first year when my attendance was utter dogshit i used to lie in bed beating myself up for not going to my lectures#and then i'd go 'imagine i got hit by a car though and THAT'S why i wasn't attending. this is way better'#and it would genuinely make me feel better. like sometimes roundhouse kicking ur problems into proportion#by comparing them to insanely improbable scenarios that have no real relevance CAN work#therapists hate me etc#hella goes home
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You ever wanna write but you have so many thoughts going on and so many ideas and stories that want to be told that when you go to put them on paper it's like trying to untangle a basket of yarn that a whole clowder of cats used as toys?
No? Just me?
#i wanna tell the stories#i wanna write the things#i really do#i even have ideas#i just cant get my brain to settle down into one story and work on it from where its at to where i want it to go#its all stuff for 20 entries down the line#or vague au ideas#and i feel like im going crazy because my thoughts are just pinballing around and i cant get them to settle#this is why ive been doing the art thing rather than the writing thing#because art takes much less idea generating energy once its started#i just feel unsettled in my own skin#its a very uncomfortable feeling#writing problems#brain go *dial-up noise*#i should talk to my therapist....#and possibly my mental health provider....#idk maybe my meds need adjusting again#i hope not bc thats always a pain in the ass
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i AM a violent dog i DO know why i bite
#ok to rb#vent in the tags its a lot u dont have to read#nah but ive been so angry lately#im constantly fighting w my mom and brother but...like im justified every single time#its just like...ive always been the scapegoat of my family (except to my dad) but now hes dead and my mom n brother have been targeting me+#nonstop. literally 24/7#for example my mom has not bothered to check on me ONCE since it happened...yet shes constantly treating me like a therapist +#and she always comforts/checks in on my older brother AND she critcizes me for how im handling things or how 'long' everythings taking#all the while they dont lift a fucking FINGER to help me with anything and im doing everythings on my own#while going to school and working full time....to pay THEIR BILLS#idk it just feels like im so fucking alone and yet they just continue to rag on me when im literally doing my fucking best#im not allowed to greive bc im too busy doing their fucking work all while they criticize how i do their work...FOR THEM....#god forbid im not as talkative as usual bc im stressed (i wonder why) and im the worst person on the planet#literally i will b sitting in silence in my room and theyll find something to make fun of me for or get mad at
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practicing gratitude about this past year tonight and it IS actually helping?? a lot????????? unbelievable
#things im really grateful for: moved out and away! to the other side of the country! for a new job (first job!!!!!) which was terrifying but#it's been FIVE months and ive genuinely never felt prouder of myself for making it through!!!!!#and even though there HAS been some really really Bad Brain Days this job has allowed me to meet so many interesting people#and it also has allowed me to have a better view of my future; to understand what i really want to do; and given me the boost i needed to#work extra hard to get into my masters program (asylum and immigration law!!!)#ive also became less of a people pleaser and learned to stood up for myself more; get more accomodations and opportunities without stopping#myself to get them bc i didnt deserve them or whatever#i did SO many scary things that felt like pulling my own teeth out but 95% of these things worked out okay in the end#i even got a new job opportunity!!!! i was OFFERED a job????!?!?!?!???! can you believe it????!?!?#GOT MY AUTISM DIAGNOSIS#came out to my therapist! said a lot of scary things to scary people but i did it SCARED. AND IT WORKED OUT#ive accomplished so many things this year and grown up and healed a lot. sure there were bad days but - overall?#im so grateful im alive. im so grateful i got to meet so many wonderful & lovely people#(if youve read all of this please know that i love YOU and also i hope hope HOPE you had a wonderful year; or if you didnt then that the#upcoming year will be nothing but kind and supportive to you! 馃尡馃巰馃挮)
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spent months like I need prescription for my mental health give me prescription please please & now that I have it I'm like hm. do I want to have to take meds, actually
#part of it i think is just that typical anxiety that comes before any life change like s new job or whatever but also like#despite never having TRIED stimulants im familar w them i know people w adhd who are on them i had an idea of what to expect & thats what i#i figured id be getting but shes having me try this non stimulant option first bcus 1 apparently its good for people who also have anxiety#and 2 easier to get w the like Adderall shortages & shit rn#& im like ok i have NEVER heard of this drug before and didn't even know there WERE non stimulant options options.#like im doing all my research TODAY for the first time then pick it up tomorrow?#like me heslth anxiety girl just has to be like ok sure i guess. i had mentally prepared myself for stimulants & thats it!!!#i mean worst case i just try it & see if it works or if i have side effects but like. ugh. & i dont like that i dont like my np LOL like id#probably feel less uncertain about trying something i was previously unfamiliar with if she was someone i liked & trusted more#if i knew there were unfamilar drugs they might recommend to me i probably wouldve started over & found someone new to work with. AGHHH & i#didnt discuss any of this w her bcus it took me a couple hours after our session to think abt it & do my own reading & process my emotions#to really come to thia conclusion. & also i wouldnt have wanted to talk to hwt abt this anyway bcus i dont like her & have not felt at all#like cool w opening up to her beyond the minimum i had to do for the assessment#& my therapist is sick this week so im not gonna get to talk to her tomorrow!@#texticles#anyway i know ive got fellow adhd bitches following me. anyone try guanfacine did you like it or nah
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#one day i wont be my own biggest enemy but for now my mind still keeps me at night all the time#why do i push myself constantly. i feel like i should eat healthy workout be successful at work speak 5 languages read books paint draw get#get a phd do figure skating do ballet run meditate play several musical instruments crochet do pottery etc etc#like girl you dont have that much time and or energy#but i feel like a failure if im not doing everything i like#but somehow i still dont do much. so?#a therapist could make so much money off me if i wasnt that flakey#i want to be happy with a quiet life but then i just start thinking how lonely i am lol whatever
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it is also funny because i am often very touch repulsed which doesn鈥檛. like. help. lol
#sometimes the sensation of skin on skin is unbearable.#sometimes even my own skin touching myself is unbearable!#especially if there is any amount of sweat or moisture involved. eueghgh.#my mom is a massage therapist and i can barely let her work on me. when i do there鈥檚 a strict no oil or lotion rule.#i love being sooo autistic. im sooooo functional and normal and sexy.#izzy.txt
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adding to "he would not fucking say that" by extending it to "his therapy would not fucking work like that"
#gen#look media is lying to you#therapy doesn't go this smooth anyways#especially not for someone this fucked up#i once read a breaking bad therapy fic and i had to restrain myself from pulling my hair bc he would fucking act like that???#you know the character in every fandom that would rathe succumb to toe cancer than open up#the character whose own body would start digesting itself instead of working through trauma#that type of character#that fucking guy#or that fucking gal#whatever#people don't get well simply bt entering therapists office#and the work ethics. OMG THE WORK ETHICS#THERAPISTS DON'T TOUCH OR HUG CLIENTS THAT CASUALLY PUT THAT BITCH DOWN YOU'RE NO AT IT YET#PLEASE im BEGGING you#ive stopped reading therapy fics bc in my head it just a unethical practice counter fucking going wild
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Knowing that I have to go home after an 8-hour shift at the job I hate to force myself to deep clean the depression nest my room has become while neck deep in the same depressive episode for the past 3 months on top of chronic pain makes me wanna scream like can I just smoke weed and sleep on the couch instead pls?
#tw mental health#personal#idk how to tag this#I鈥檓 doin BAD#like- I think I鈥檝e run into that gifted kid thing where it鈥檚 like yeah I was told I was good at this and then growing up and realizing I#never developed the skill beyond childhood but instead of gifted kid syndrome it鈥檚 high functioning depression#like I hit my 20s and I can鈥檛 high function my way through this shit anymore#I don鈥檛 know how and that makes it worse bc I鈥檓 looking back on teen me who could pretend for days and power through#now I鈥檓 just- a depressive episode hits and I just.. everything stops y鈥檏now?#im so tired and overwhelmed and I just don鈥檛 know where to start to even dig myself out of it#I鈥檓 self soothing to the point of it being harmful#if I don鈥檛 think about how bad it is and instead focus on whatever interest it feels better#my therapist has been out sick for almost 2 months now and I鈥檓 worried about her but we work so well together that I don鈥檛 wanna find#someone new and start all over again#I just..#I tried telling my family I鈥檓 struggling and my mom told me to pray about it so it鈥檚 like okay I鈥檓 just alone to deal with this like I#always do but I鈥檓 just.. I鈥檓 not doing well enough to be able to handle this on my own and no one is listening when I say that#I鈥檓 not going to do anything but I can鈥檛 pretend the s*ic*d*l thought aren鈥檛 at the front of my mind#every single problem I have would disappear for me if I wasn鈥檛 here and that鈥檚 bitter sweet because I want to see this life through#depression#mental health#struggling with depression#major depressive disorder
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#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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dreaming of the day when I get to cut contact with my father
#my mom always says im being too harsh#beacuse he does stuff like give me a couple bucks to get books and stuff#but apparently its too much to ask for him to not use me as a therapist#he called me a backstabber when i was nine#NINE#it was because i wanted to go home to my mama#my godfather is a bettee father then my dad is#he is always there for my cousin he takes her places together and gives her attention and love#but apparently its too much to ask for my dad to not constantly tell me how tried he is and how all he does is work and barley makes money#my mom makes less then him and she supports both of us and two cats AND her own business#and my dad doesnt pay rent or water or electric#he lives in my poor aunts basement#sorry for a the rambling today#z
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I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 馃槶馃槶馃槶 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you鈥檙e really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 馃槶馃槶馃槶#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you鈥檝e trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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listen okay ive been going on about this for like a week now but i just think it's a little funny that ever since i had to stop therapy there's been a MASSIVE increase in my writing. it is not only a wonderful creative hobby but also helps me get through shit and process my emotions and i dont think that's bad at all! but i am living up to the stereotype of creatives Not Being Okay and i do love that and think it's a little bit funny.
#in fact. the less okay i am the better my work gets and that is sooooo toxic cancel me#i wont fuck myself up TOO bad on purpose de#*dw#but anyway i keep being told by even like GOOD therapists that i know all the things anyway and i just verbally work out the problem w them#listening rather than them give me advice so maybe i should just continue this i might actually Be Good. ........ for now.#and YES i know it's probably a bit of a maladaptive coping mechanism but im autistic im allowed one (1) maladaptive coping mechanism as a#treat. and i dont watch tv and havent been gaming SO LET ME HAVE THIS#i must CREATE WITH MY HANDS it feels so much more relaxing to me than doomscrolling and also silences the developing workaholism by giving#me a Product#OKAY IM SHUTTING UP NOW I HAVENT TALKED MUCH TODAY IVE JUST BEEN WRITING SKFBDJDJ#'im shutting up now' i say on my Own Blog as if anyone gonna read this anyway wkfjeksjs#in my can't stop wont stop era fr#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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just remembered i'm going to be 20 this year can everyone give a moment of silence. teenager was so endless and it's going to be over before i know it this is my life and it's just flying by and i feel like im only ever just incidentally moving through life and like i'm never doing all i could be doing never feeling like i'm living my life the way i'd be living in it if i really cared but i don't want to try to change that bc rotting in bed is so appealing lol
#except when i hang out with or talk to friends that's the only time i feel like im alive#and it's not like an i feel like im not doing enough when im working my ass off legitimately doing nothing lol#but id rather just rot in bed and have no work ethic and not make time to shower like a. just an awful aimless person LMAO#<- he worked so slow today like he always does and messed shit up and has to go in early to try and catch up and he's so mad about it#working with a partner stresses me out bc i want to do things and then i worry im cutting them out of it and also doing it badly and im#gonna ruin it for both of us and they could've done it better and they're going to hate me and i've never done anything right whateverrrrr#i want to live in a room where i can do my little crafts and learn things at my own pace and hang out with friends and go to events all the#time. and i feel like im a bad person for that because everyone has to participate in society in SOME aspect part time or volunteering or#whatever. the make text post button is like therapy for me i like to imagine this is what i'd say if i had a therapist lol#alex talks
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I feel like I need to be financially compensated for being raised to not know how to do like any fucking cleaning
#idk how to clean shit#why the fuck isnt home ec required good god#just vaguely following internet instructions and standing like :| bc its not working#ive gone through two boxes of baking soda#text#paersonal#like wow i wish my executive functioning was perhaps developed a little bit literally at all before being sent off on my own huh#shouldnt be something im only starting to deal with as an 18+ year old#like unironically im going to have to get a fucking coach or something#which sucks bc that's money and time and effort#like i dont want to get a therapist bc ik im just going to move in a year or whatever and then what#wont have em anymore#have to start the stupid awful process all over again#then again i wasnt fucking diagnosed w adhd until after college started#bc the mental healthcare in this country is a fucking joke and i want to shred the diagnostic requirements of the dsm#just hhhgghggrggfhh#it is So fucking crippling lmao
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