#but like other than that nothing - i was very good about avoiding my Main Trigger Food

[dredshirtroberts]

the nice thing about being back home is that i can make poor food choices and handle the consequences in the safety of my own environment

the bad thing about this is that i am very good at making poor food choices when we're home and therefore safe, and thus must handle the consequences.

[holylulusworld]

My annoying sexy neighbor

Title: My annoying sexy neighbor

Written for @buckybarnesbingo (Round 6)

Card: B004

Square Filled: C3: free space - Neighbor AU

Ship/Main Pairing: Neighbor!Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader

Rating: Explicit

Major Tags/Triggers/Warnings: voyeurism, daydreaming, objectification of Bucky Barnes and his metal arm, a lil fingering, light/implied smut (unprotected)

Summary: Summer is extra hot this year.

Word Count: 1,3k+

Written for week 4 of @buckybarnesevents: Free Week

Prompt filled for: 2023 @buckybarnesbingo (expired): B2: “Get off my lawn”

Prompt filled for: @sebastianstanbingo: Square 2: “I bet all our neighbors can hear you.”

Prompt filled for: Navy and Roo’s slumber party presents bingo @the-slumberparty (expired): crush

You hate him. You can’t even describe how much you hate him.

James Buchanan Barnes. Bucky to his friends. The worst neighbor ever.

It’s his fault you hate him.

Not because he’s a bad neighbor. No. He’s friendly, a little cocky maybe, but very helpful. If you’d have to describe his character, you’d say he’s a kind guy with a good sense of humor. Bucky offers to mow your lawn, help you with your trashcan, or fix your fence.

You hate him because he slowly makes your resolve crumble to never fall for a man again. Especially not the hot kind of man. You know, the kind of man wanting you to fling your panties across the room and suck him off without even knowing his name.

He makes your life so much harder. Before he moved in across the street, you came home from work and had time to relax. Sometimes you indulged in watching the rerun of old shows.

Now you must race home to not miss him working out, bringing out the trashcan, or mowing the lawn. Whatever Bucky does, he does it shirtless. You get lucky if he wears more than the shortest shorts you ever saw on a man.

If only you could say “Get off my lawn” and forget about him. But you have this stupid crush on your sexy neighbor.

Just like today. You raced home, almost running your trashcan over when parking your car because he was mowing his lawn while shaking his ass.

That bastard dared to wave at you and call you a pretty doll! How dare that man to tease you with his perfect abs on full display!

Sweat was running down his chest, and he did the worst thing possible.

Bucky killed the engine of his mower, jogged toward you, and emptied a bottle of water over his head. Water ran down his body and you had no other choice but to watch it wander down to his shorts. Fucking tight shorts… The fabric left little to nothing to your imagination. “That” was on full display, and you could tell, it was big.

“Hey, doll,” the fucker grinned as your eyes were glued to his artificial arm. A beautiful piece of technology. He once told you it was custom-made, and that he can feel everything, even though, it’s not made of skin, flesh, and bones. “How was work?”

“Boring and…hot,” you swallowed thickly. Your throat was suddenly too dry, and your panties soaked.

“Hot?” He laughed at your predicament. Bucky didn’t miss the way your eyes roamed his body. He had hoped that today was the day you finally broke. “If you are hot,” he stepped closer to run his metal index finger over your cheek, “you can come over and cool off in my pool. I just cleaned it.”

“I-I,” you would kill to swim, but being around Bucky in only your swimsuit was something you tried to avoid. He invited you over more than once to cool off.

“We can order food,” he smirked at you, already grabbing your hand. “Come on, doll. Don’t make me beg. I don’t want to swim alone. We can have a pool party.”

You considered his words. For a second you wanted to chicken out and come up with an excuse. “I promise to wear swim shorts.”

“Okay,” you finally said, defeated by your neediness. “Let me get the trashcan inside and have a shower. I’ll be there in an hour.”

“Let me handle the trashcan,” he flashed you a smile. “I’ll be waiting for you after I took care of it and put the mower away. I can mow the rest of my lawn tomorrow.”

You took your time and checked your appearance in the mirror more than once. It wasn’t in your plans to draw too much attention toward you. So, you wore a light summer dress over your swimsuit and hastily made a salad to have an excuse to visit Bucky. The ladies in the neighborhood love to gossip.

“Doll,” before you got the chance to knock Bucky opened the front door. He glanced at the salad but said nothing. “No food before swimming.”

“It’s for…uh…later,” you stammered, still unsure if it was a good idea to come to Bucky’s place. “If we get hungry after swimming.”

“I will order food, doll,” he purred and shamelessly wrapped his metal arm around your shoulders. You shuddered at the sensation of the cool metal against your heated skin. “You’ll get all you desire.”

Bucky had no clue that your heartbeat quickened, and you felt like your legs were about to give in as he guided you through his house. “Oh gosh! I forgot a towel,” you tried to talk yourself out of this bad idea.

“Doll, I got more than enough towels,” he pecked your cheek. “I got all you’ll need before, during, and after your swim.” Bucky flashed you this irresistible smirk again. “How about you get comfortable, and I put the salad in the fridge and change into my swim shorts.”

“Sure,” you almost whined when he dropped his metal arm from around your shoulders to leave your side. He threw a look over his shoulder to look at you right when you turned around yourself to glance at his wide back and ass.

“Go ahead, Y/N. Get comfortable,” he chuckled and walked a little faster to reach the kitchen and change clothing. Bucky couldn’t wait to get in the pool with you.

You looked down at your body to check on your swimsuit. Just like Bucky suggested, you got into the water to cool off. Or maybe to hide that you soaked your swimsuit.

“I see you already got comfortable,” Bucky winked at you before he jumped into the pool, splashing water in your face. You shrieked and giggled because he grabbed you by your waist to press you against the pool wall. He smirked when you shuddered in his embrace. “Let’s get you even more comfortable.”

His lips claimed yours before you could ask him if you saw right. You moved your hand between your bodies to feel him up. “Doll, you’re naughty,” he purred against your lips.

“You are the naughty one, wearing no swim shorts, Mr. Barnes,” you smirked while stroking his cock. “You invited me for a swim and come here, wearing nothing but a smirk.”

“Baby, tell me you’re not wet and we can swim or,” he kissed you again, greedily shoving his tongue inside your mouth. “Do you know how long I’ve been wanting to do this to you?”

“No,” you dropped your hand from his cock to wrap your arms around his neck. “Do you know how long I wanted to do this to you?” You slung your legs around his waistline to slowly grind against him.

“Fuck…baby…”

“Louder!” You rubbed yourself against his aching cock, making your sexy neighbor groan loudly. “Louder!!”

“Fuck! I wanna fuck you!” He wildly jerked his hips.

“I bet all our neighbors can hear you,” you teased, all the while rolling your hips. “What about you show me how much you want to fuck me?”

He hastily shoved your swimsuit aside, exposing your cunt to his greedy fingers. “You know that you’re mine from now on. None of the other lonely guys can have you.”

Bucky worked your swollen bud with skilled fingers. Of course, the bastard knew how to make you even more desperate for his cock.

“Bucky,” you whined and whimpered. “Please.”

He silenced your moans with his lips, sealing your fate while replacing his fingers with something better. Bucky slipped inside, ignoring that you groaned against his lips because of the wide stretch.

You held onto him and slung your legs tighter around his waistline for dear life.

“I bet all our neighbors can hear you,” he groaned against your lips. “How about we give them a good reason to talk about us from tomorrow on?”

Tags in reblog.

[januaryembrs]

LAST KNIGHT IN SOHO | Steven Grant/Marc Spector x Reader [3]

description: With Marc and Steven captured by Harrow's men, Layla has no choice but to work with her ex-husbands mistress to get them and the scarab to safety. But things take a turn when Seth comes to reap his reward. word count: 9.4k trigger warnings: GORE, blood, Dove absolutely wrecks the jackals I won't lie. Very explicit imagery used for their deaths. Swearing. Layla thinks Dove is the mistress and is angry, talks of dove not owning her body anymore, talks of having bodily autonomy taken away. Quick hint at Dove's dark past. main masterlist | series masterlist

authors note: I hate writing action scenes so if this seems rushed or bad I'm sorry, action is not my strongest point!

Please reblog and comment for your authors!

She watched as Steven was led in cuffs to the black BMW that gave away no hint at being a real police car, eager to scramble back into his apartment from off the moss covered rooftop that had her second death of the week written all over it. 

Layla was quick to hop back inside behind her, nearly shoving her out the way to get to her backpack. 

“They wouldn’t kill him, would they? Marc said-” The younger woman started, trailing after Layla like a lost dog. This was way out of her depth. The way Marc had described it made it seem like he had it under control. About as under control as Egyptian Gods and resurrecting dead people goes, that is. He had said nothing about his ex-wife showing up or Steven being taken hostage by police impersonators. 

Layla stopped at the sound of her husband’s name leaving the girl’s lips. 

“Mention Marc one more time and you are walking to wherever Harrow is taking him, you hear me?” Layla seethed, looking at her with eyes cold as ice despite being a beautiful, warm brown. 

Dove choked on her words for a moment, swallowing whatever she was going to come back with and instead choosing to nod once. 

“Yes- Sorry-” 

“Good,” The woman hissed, turning on her heel and heading for the front door. “And remember what I said about talking,”

“Gotcha- right,” She stammered in reply. Layla was more intimidating than Marc had been, more than Donna even. He was annoyed when they’d spoken, sure. Cold? Absolutely. But to Layla, she was actively a pest. A bug. A rodent that had crawled into her marriage bed and weaselled her way into her husband’s life. Which wasn’t true of course. But she understood that Layla had more than enough reason to be upset with her. 

Heading after the woman, hot on her heels, she bit her tongue the entire minute they spent in the elevator, neither of them willing to start a conversation with the other. Whether it be pride (Layla) or sheer wanting to avoid getting punched in the stomach (Dove), the two women stayed silent until the metal box dinged and released them from the horribly tense atmosphere. 

Layla set off for her moped that she’d parked on the road, unlatching the red leather seat upwards to reveal a spare helmet in the cubby. Shoving the smooth, maroon hard hat into the younger woman’s arms, Layla strapped her own onto her head and swung a leg over the caboose. 

Dove followed suit, hopping onto the back, her arms faltering slightly as she looked for some kind of handle to hold onto. 

“What now?” The driver’s annoyed voice snapped as she caught on to the fussing from behind her. 

“Where do I put my arms?” Said a quiet tone, hating the helplessness in her voice yet the embarrassment was too much for her to have asked otherwise. Layla rolled her eyes, grabbing the woman’s hands and bringing them around her waist.

“Just hold on,” She ordered, a hum of energy blasting into the engine as she kicked off the curb and set off. The motor jumped to life, and the two women were speeding after the fraudulent fed car in no time. She clutched onto the front woman for dear life; she had always hated amusement park rides, and she was sure Layla was at least somewhat tempted to stage an accident with the way their morning had gone. 

“I’m really not sleeping with Marc, you know,” She braved to speak, gripping tighter in fear the single comment would tip her counterpart over the edge. 

“What did I say about-”

“I know! I know!” She called, loud enough for Layla to hear her over the bustle of London traffic, “I just wanted you to believe me. You’re more than right to be unhappy with him. Truth be told, the one time I’ve met him, he’s not exactly been a charmer.”

That seemed to perk up his ex wife’s ears. “You’ve only met once?”

“Yes. Like I said, I work with Steven at the museum. I only met Marc this morning when he told me-” She cut herself off, unsure of just how much he would want Layla knowing. How much she already knew. She didn’t even know he had a dissociative disorder, it wouldn’t be wrong for her to assume his wife wasn’t privy to other things too.

Maybe that was why they were divorcing? But that was none of her business. 

“Told you what?” Layla pushed, which only caused the girl at the rear to sigh heavily. Layla didn’t need to know much. And besides, it was her burden to bear now, not Marc’s. She could tell her if she wished. Hell, perhaps Layla could even help her seeing as she already knew so much about the scarab. 

“He told me,” She paused, coming to terms with how insane she was about to sound if Layla didn’t know much about her husband’s second, well third, life. “He said I died being chased by one of Harrow’s jackals, and the only way for him to save me was to give my body up to Setekh in exchange for becoming his avatar,”

Layla was quiet for a moment, the car Steven was in not too far ahead of them as she hung back to avoid suspicion. 

And then, after a few seconds, she laughed. 

Loud and bitter, but laughed at her nonetheless. 

“I just told you I fucking died, and you’re laughing?” Her passenger asked, aghast, which only made Layla laugh again. “Well, fuck you too,”

“No, sorry, it’s just,” The woman shook her head, taking a semi sharp right in order to stay on their tail, “Trust Marc to meddle in someone’s life and end up keeping her around because he feels guilty,” 

Her face warmed. So Layla really did know her husband then. 

“His meddling saved my life,” She tried to protest, the image of Marc’s eyes softening slightly when she’d grabbed his hand that same morning flashing in her mind. Without Marc, she wouldn’t be here. She tried to pretend the idea he was only keeping her around because he felt responsible for her now didn’t sting. 

At least Steven wanted her around. For now, that is.

“Did it?” Layla asked, all remnants of humour gone, replaced with a cold seriousness. Not mean like she had been all day, moreso a sobering tone of reality, “My father told me every story there was about Seth.”

“He’s a historian?” Dove asked, curiosity winning over her bitterness that the woman had laughed at her. She thought now maybe it was out of disbelief, maybe even pessimism at hearing the nefarious god’s name.

“No, an archeologist,” Layla replied, “He said Setekh was once worshipped as a way of protecting crops and villages from the storms he created. He said it was thought because he was the god of foreigners he was responsible for all the oppressors attacking the people. He became the one who caused all the bloodshed, the evil, the barbarity. Every bit of chaos and violence was down to his hand,” The woman said, speaking with a passion for her country it was clear she had lived, slept and breathed everything her father taught her, “It was said while Anubis was the first God of the Dead, Osiris took the role during the later centuries. And when his brother, Seth, slaughtered him and scattered him in pieces around the world, he took on the title of God of the Dead,” 

“Glad I’m not invited to that family reunion, then,” The other girl muttered from her place at the rear of the bike. Layla smirked to herself, not willing to let the younger woman know she’d drawn a small smile from her.

“They were always at each other's throats. And when they weren’t, they were usually marrying their sisters.” To which Dove recoiled in horror. The BMW started slowing down ahead of them, which they were both quick to notice as it took a right hand turn into a less populated area. The sky had been quick to overcast shadows, the April air turning cold and darker fast. As if someone up there knew what was coming. 

“Lovely,” She mused, “Well, my family doesn’t talk to me anymore so I’m sure we’ll be okay as far as incest marriages go,”

Layla’s expression faltered. She hadn’t expected the quiet mouse of a girl to drop something so heavy, yet it was clear from her widened gaze she didn’t quite mean to say that so bluntly. To set off such a bomb on their already awkward ride. The striking woman wheeled up onto a curb around the corner from the narrow street the car had pulled into, trying to avoid the gazes of the few people they saw communing there. 

Cutting the engine and hopping off the seat, Layla held the bike steady as the other woman did the same, all but falling off the back of the moped with a newborn fawn-like grace. 

The two women looked at one another, the younger one handing the helmet over sheepishly. “Look, I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot,” Dove murmured, unable to quite meet the beautiful woman’s eyes, Layla’s lips neither drawn into a sneer nor a smile. More a mix between pity and as if she were still weighing up the girl who picked at the loose skin around her nails anxiously.

“It’s alright,” Layla said with a long huff, swinging her bag over her shoulder, “Marc tends to leave people to deal with the shit he gets them into,”

The girl bit her tongue, pleased that she didn’t seem to be on Layla’s hit list anymore. They had bigger things to worry about now, like the fact Steven was essentially kidnapped or that they had yet to find somewhere to keep the scarab hidden. 

She felt it burning in her pocket, as if it were buzzing with the glory of being what everyone had their sights set on; of being such a harbinger of trouble. 

“Maybe so,” She said, handing the jewelled bug over to Layla to keep it safe, “But trusting him is the only hope I’ve got right now. Marc said Seth will be coming for me any day now,”

Layla looked at her for a moment, dark eyes raking over her forlorn figure some few years younger than her. The girl's eyes were soft, new to the world and the shit storm that was about to hit her, but her hands were what gave away her condition. The slightest touch of her fingers to her own where she handed her the scarab and Layla was able to feel just how cold her skin had become. Dead. Corpse like. As if the life truly had been drained out of her ten times over.

She wondered how her younger accomplice would fare as an avatar. Though Layla had swore that once those papers were signed this was not her fight anymore, she couldn’t help worrying just how badly her ex had seemed to mess up this young girl’s life in the space of one evening.

Seth was not a god you wanted to upset. Nor was he one you wanted to be of interest to. If everything that Abdallah El-Faouly had told his sweet daughter was correct, then that girl, barely mid twenties as she was, was in for a lifetime of torment and pain.

“Well, if that’s true, I hate to be the one to tell you to run and hide as soon as you can,” Layla said, her voice empty of emotion but her eyes genuine, “If Seth is the one looking for you, I can guarantee you’ll wish Marc had left you for the jackals,”

“Where is the scarab?” Harrow and his followers cornered Steven, still as lost and dazed as he had been all day. He just hoped that wherever Dove was, she was safe and far away from this mess that his other self had dragged her into. 

“We have it.” Steven’s head whipped around at the sound of Layla’s voice, clear and commanding and filling the abandoned building. 

And sure enough, his sweet friend stood next to her, eyes wide and clearly thrown off by the El-Faouly woman’s plan to draw attention to them. 

“What the hell are you doing?” She whisper-yelled as the two women trailed through the crowd of Ammit’s followers, both of them watching carefully for anyone getting ready to attack them. 

“I’m drawing their attention, Marc will deal with them easily,” Layla replied under her breath as they neared the two men in the centre of the room. It seemed Harrow and his followers had renovated some kind of church or antique building to become a communal hall. Community food lay out on tables around, a projector playing an old documentary on the dusty wall. 

Harrow’s followers didn’t seem to have anything particularly off about them. In fact, they seemed like regular citizens you would see around the streets of London. Nothing about them screamed evil, yet that only served to make them more menacing. They could be anyone, anywhere.

Dove knew all too well villains and monsters didn’t look like Ancient Egyptian mummies or jackals. They looked like regular people, like the man sitting next to you on the train. Like your family friend. Like your milkman. Or your school teacher. Or the shop clerk. Or young, female gift-shoppists that had a hopeless crush on their seemingly married co-worker. 

It didn’t matter who they were, what they looked like, they were tainted to their core. 

“That’s a great plan, except he’s not Marc, he’s Steven,” The young girl hissed, as Harrow stared at her with a smug twinkle in his eye, holding out his rough hand to Layla. 

“You couldn’t possibly understand the value of what you’re holding. Let me have that, I’ll keep it safe,” Harrow asked calmly, though it was clear with the way his focus trained on the jewel that he wasn’t quite so relaxed as he was making believe. 

He was clever with his words, manipulative. Making himself seem honest and responsible to anyone who didn’t understand the scarab. But Layla did. She wasn’t like the ordinary woman Harrow took her for. She was smart beyond belief, and knew more about the legends than Arthur could ever learn from seeing into people’s souls.

“Summon the suit,” Layla ordered under her breath as they reached Steven’s shaken figure. Her almond eyes scoured around the building for the nearest way out as her younger accomplice shook her head in despair and picked at her nails with furrowed brows. 

“Sorry what?” Steven asked, just as Dove had suspected. He had no clue what any of this meant. 

Layla’s brown gaze cut to his, chagrin mixed with a hint of fear boiling up in her expression. “Summon the suit,” She said again, stepping closer to the man who gawked at her with a lost look.

“‘Summon the soup’? What are you saying?” 

“The suit,” She said again, shoving the scarab into his chest, before turning to where Harrow was reaching for his staff. “And keep this safe,” 

“So be it,” Harrow said tiredly. Deciding they were in too thick to continue this little joke of Marc’s, she reached behind her for the younger woman, dragging her towards the only available exit she saw. 

Layla’s frantic brain caught sight of a flight of stairs that led to the first floor: a wide ledge that overlooked the rest of the room and had tiny archways where passageways wove into the sandstone walls, scaffolding and more of the plastic tarp scattered over and around the steps. 

A quick loop around the top of the stairs took them to a second set of steps that led only to an upper ledge and a large arched hallway with natural light coming from the end of it. A fire escape maybe? An open window? Bingo. 

“Let’s go, let’s go,” Layla hurried, grabbing Steven on the way as one of the men lunged at her. She was quick to rip his hand off her arm, shoving him into a table so hard he went tumbling over the edge and knocking into another of his men. 

Forcing Dove ahead of her, Layla directed the young girl towards the first flight of stairs, ducking around the scaffolding that lead to the first floor seemingly still mid-renovation. Steven trailed behind them quickly with a gasp as he dodged another of Harrow’s men. 

Practically swinging around the railing on one hand, Dove felt her tired legs ache as she ascended quickly, the only thing keeping her from stopping being the two people behind her breathing down her neck, relying on her to keep going. The temporary staircase wobbled for a moment as the floor shook, small chunks of brick crumbling free from the delicate wall at the movement. A flash of amethyst purple light reflected around the building, filling the space with something odd; something tense that crawled up her spine, like a foreboding that cut her right through her gut. 

Reaching the first level, she was quick to stop in her tracks as a man ducked out from one of the tiny corridors woven into the stone walls, and lunged for her. She felt Layla dart behind her and start scaling the second flight of stairs to the open door that hopefully spelled freedom. The man was quick enough to grab her wrists, but Steven's arm was swiftly wrapped around her waist, holding her from being thrown off the edge of the barrierless ledge. 

She kicked at the man a few times, desperate for him to let her go. That is until she got one of her hands free and was able to grab him by the collar of his coat. 

Remembering how tightly she had been able to grip Marc’s arm that morning, she found it unnaturally easy enough to lift the man a solid few inches off the ground, the stitches of his clothes ready to give way at his body weight. The menacing look on his face dropped when he realised with a cold slap to the face that no amount of holding onto her arms could do anything seeing as she had him scruffed and held like a little dog that was misbehaving. 

He let out a sharp squeal as she threw him with ease over the edge and down the ten foot drop, not enough to kill but enough to hear a loud crack from his ribs and legs.

“How on earth did you do that?” Steven asked, his baffled breath rolling over her neck in a way that had her stomach churning up a storm. His arm still held her tight to him as he guided her the way Layla had taken off to, the warmth of his hand alone seeping through her top and onto her bare skin underneath that was still as cold as a cadaver. 

His touch gave her a taste of life again, of humanity.  Like she didn’t exist again in this world until he touched her. As if his hand alone could find her in the afterlife and pluck her back to mortality.

Which technically he had. 

“Come on,” She brushed off his question, urging him towards where Layla was now pummeling the shit out of another assailant that had tried to make a grab for her. She made equally quick work of the attacker, shoving him off the same way the other woman had and sending him flying off the building frame and into a pile of wood that cracked easily with his weight. 

Grabbing both their arms, Layla led the two stunned watchers through the open archway that luckily expanded into a long corridor. Tarp lay around the bottom of the huge windows, moonlight filtering in through the surprisingly clear glass panes being the only thing allowing them to see their way. 

The three sets of footsteps pounded down the stone hallway, Harrow’s chants chasing them through an echo, spoken in Coptic the younger woman had surmised. It seemed her degree in Ancient Languages wasn’t entirely a waste. She was able to grasp at bits and pieces of what he was saying despite the rushing of blood in her ears from her running. 

Something about Ammit’s wrath, eradicating enemies. Calling on the ancient goddess to help him carry out her justice. 

Then came the shriek. Familiar at this point, the vengeful growl that reverberated down the hall and harmonising with Harrow’s hex. 

Summoning pure evil. She caught that part easily as they skidded around the corner awaiting them at the end of the hallway, coming to a set of huge, varnished wood doors. She threw her shoulder into the left one, hearing it give a small creak of protest before it gave way and slowly swung open. 

Her heart dropped as she quickly realised they were at a dead end. It felt almost de ja vu like as they entered the room, her eyes frantic to take in any way out as Layla and Steven rushed to block the entrance off. A thick, brick wall complete with an old fireplace on the right, and two huge windows in front and to her left. By all means it was a beautiful room, but it was an enclosure. A trap. A casket. 

“Here. Bolt the door,” Layla ordered, heaving a metal bar through the handles to give them some sort of protection of whatever it was Harrow was conjuring. 

More tarp over the floors and piles of bricks, dust and building tools, the windows reaching higher than even the ceiling to the museum. Sarcophaguses piled around the room, some fake but most seeming authentic, as ancient as the exhibits she walked past regularly at work, yet they were just thrown to the sides of the abandoned room as if they were not priceless objects. 

A dirty mirror lay to her right leaning against the fireplace, white plastic wrap draped over half of the looking glass, ridden with dust and a deep crack that made it unusable, no doubt why it was dumped here with the rest of the pieces of history they deemed rubbish. 

Layla and her rushed to the windows, Layla taking the one on the left and her heading for the one opposite the door, each attempting to jiggle the bottom of the panes, looking for a latch they could flick open to give them an escape. But the glass was thick. Taking up an entire wall, meant only to let light in and keep air firmly out. Meaning there was no movement from any of the panes. The lit up buildings across the street laughed at her attempts in a silent mocking, the block of flats watching the desperate women struggle. 

“Oh my god,” Steven said with a tone of utter despair, “I’m going to die in an evil magician’s man cave,”

She would have laughed. Any other day and his words would have cracked her up. But she barely heard him over the desperate way she tugged at the white, chipped frames, urging the damn thing to come loose, her nails splinting painfully at the force she used to try peel the rusted metal from their seals.

It would be no use anyway, she realised. Looking down she realised they were up high, on the third floor to be exact, and the only way down was a long fall onto solid concrete. Seeing Layla turn away from the other window, she guessed she had no luck with that either, and cursed under her breath. 

Layla stalked towards Steven’s piteous frame, grabbing him roughly by the arms. “No-no. Hey, listen to me,” She started in a panicked voice, though it was clear she was attempting to be kind to him. The three of them turned to the door as the sound of scratching signalled that something big was out there, waiting for them. Long, sharp knife-like claws raked down the old wood, carving out channels in the barrier, the pieces of timber creaking with the weight of it, like a dog begging to come into the sitting room. 

A moment of silence, before the doors began shaking in their hinges with loud thumps. The animal threw itself against the doors, the metal bar jittering in its place at the sheer weight of it. 

“Your name is Marc,” Layla said calmly, holding onto his shoulders to keep his attention on her, “There’s a suit, I’ve seen you use it. You bring it out,” Her dark eyes pierced him with something cold and scared hidden in them, as his face flustered and his breathing picked up. 

“No,” He mumbled, shaking his head that dripped with sweat, feeling his chest constricting as she grabbed him harder. 

“Where are you? We need you to fight!” She yelled, shaking him now as if to hope to snap him back into his senses. 

“Let me in, Steven!” Marc’s voice came from the abandoned mirror, his reflection twisted into a cruel sneer as Marc watched him freeze in place, Steven’s bright eyes lost and scared. 

It was too much for Steven. He was expected to be something, someone, that he had no idea existed until a few days ago. This was no longer about waking up late or funny dreams, or sand around his bed and tape on his door. This was real. Real consequences. Two very real women depending on him to become this hero and save the day. 

They needed him to be Marc. But he wasn’t. He was Steven Grant. And that was all he’d ever be. 

“No, I can’t please. Stop it both of you,” Steven’s voice snapped Dove out of her focus on the outside, her fingers sore with where they gripped the window frames distraughtly. 

She saw his overwhelmed figure. The way Layla held him in an iron grip, her voice raising in distress as she kept asking him to snap out of it, to bring out ‘the suit’. She saw the way Steven’s eyes flicked between the woman and the mirror, his voice clogging up with unshed tears. 

Finally giving up on the windows as an option, she stormed over to where the two of them stood, grabbing Steven by the shoulder and pulling his arms away from Layla’s desperate grip.

“Cut it out, you’re scaring him,” She growled, feeling Steven make a grab for her hand as she confronted the woman. 

“He should be scared! If he doesn’t get the suit the three of us are going to die, do you not get that?” Layla’s voice raised, but even the younger woman could see her face was rigid with fear. It was fear causing her to be so harsh, not malice. Layla was only human after all. The memory of that thing that had chased her through the museum resurfaced painfully, a phantom stab blooming over her stomach that seemed entirely healed, as if it hadn’t practically ripped her guts through her soft flesh and spilled them onto the marble floor.

“Shouting at him isn’t going to fix that, it’s not his fault. We just find another way out, okay?” Dove snipped, shutting down any other argument Layla could give her, and turned to Steven with a soft expression, “Okay?” She asked gently.

Steven stayed quiet, but he nodded, tears welled in his eyes, his face just as scared as she felt inside. She was shitting herself, her muscles tensing up with every grunt that came from the creature on the other side of the door. But cornering Steven and asking so much of him when neither of them truly understood what was happening was only doing harm. 

“Alright,” Layla mumbled in defeat, her lush brows drawn into a frown, despair lingering in her hazelnut eyes as she headed back to the smaller, side window and peered out to the building below, “I can see a fire escape on this roof-”

But no sooner had the woman come to terms with the fact there was no hero coming to save them from this mess, the barricade had given way with a loud pop as the metal bar split clean in two. 

A single breath, a moment of pure silence where Layla’s head whipped from her fraught attempt at seeking an escape route, where Steven and Dove clutched onto each other just that bit tighter. The doors swung wide on their hinges, smacking into the walls with the force and crumbling the bricks into piles of red dust on the already dirty floors.  

A figure stood in the entrance. She could only think to describe it as a tall man trying to wear a dog’s body. Its limbs were gangly, skinny, mottled and rotted skin stretching thinly over them. Four feet at the end of boney elbows carried dagger like claws, thin wisps of white hairs poking from its spine. Its face was that of a possessed wolf, skeletal and gaunt, its mouth opening into a roaring snarl with two yellow-green eyes staring back at them with a haunting glow. 

The air escaped Dove’s lungs the second it let out a familiar hum of hunger. This was the thing that had attacked her. That had killed her last night. This was the thing that had plunged its hand into her stomach with no remorse, tearing her organs to shreds in a single swipe.

The creature, the jackal, looked ahead at the two of them, holding onto each other for damn near life, her nails digging into his toned arm at her sheer trepidation. Its jaws fell open, saliva dripping from its dead lips as it gathered its legs up and prepared to lunge. 

“Jackal, J-JACKAL” Steven yelled, his hands beginning to shake as he pointed at the creature. 

“Oh my god- Oh my-” His friend could barely get out her words, panic constricting around her heart that thudded through her ribs hard enough to have her choking on her sentence and stay quiet, mouth agape in disbelief at the sight of the thing. 

She much preferred when she couldn’t see the damn thing. 

The Jackal took a breath, and the girl set in its sights could have sworn she heard it laugh, before it bolted at them.

The two of them screamed, Steven shoving her to the floor as its lithe body made contact and sent both their bodies flying through the glass, falling, falling, falling down all three levels and onto the hard concrete. 

“Oh my GOD!” Layla shrieked, her eyes trained on the huge gap in the wall where her ex-husband had been thrown through by some invisible force, before they lowered to where his not-mistress was cowering on the floor after being manhandled away from the danger. She caressed her scraped elbow silently, her gaze also locked on the broken glass.

Realising the girl was in shock, Layla leaned down to a pile of bricks, grabbing one and promptly raising it above her head, bringing it down onto the side window harshly. The glass cracked slightly, before she hit it again a few more times and it gave way completely, scattering across the tiled roof on the other side. Throwing her jacket over the broken glass, she hopped over the window ledge and onto the slanted roof, careful not to skid on the smooth stone. Whipping back to the girl that had seemed to come to her senses and was now looking at her bewildered, Layla yelled a single “Come on!” through the gap in the window, before turning and heading towards the fire escape alone.

Steven. Not Steven, please not him. Steven’s gone. Steven’s dead, or at least he will be soon, no doubt his body crumpled on the floor, practically laid out as a buffet for that monster. 

He’d thrown her out of the way, given his own life for one so undeserving as her own. 

A man so kind and gentle, good, shouldn’t have rescued her, someone entirely not that.

Being dragged out of her daze at Layla’s yell, her head snapped to where she’d managed to create an escape, the woman looking at her expectantly before she turned and headed towards the edge of the roof. 

Steven could still be alive, she told herself, he could be okay. 

Holding that hope close to her chest, she pushed herself to her feet and ran towards the exit Layla had taken. 

Please be okay. Please be okay. I’ll give every life I have to give if it means you’re safe. 

Her hand was seconds from gracing Layla’s jacket when she heard it. Another growl. 

No, not a growl. A chuckle. Dark, deep and rolling, an amused laugh from a thick chest that was loud enough to fill the entire room with its timbre. 

And she knew. She didn’t understand how, but she knew. She knew who waited for her to turn around. To meet his black, inky gaze with fright. 

But she was frozen. Despite her body being cold for the past day, the chill that ran through her spine was enough to have every single one of her hairs stand on end. Her voice was gone, her chest tight, her throat closed up. 

“I know you’ve been waiting for me, my little monster,” 

His voice was a rumble, though a smile laced his words. His every syllable sent a thrum of horror through her veins, her body going numb. As if she weren’t here. She was watching a movie through her eyes, and the villain was coming, the story was ending. The credits were about to start rolling. 

She said nothing. Didn’t dare move an inch, praying to anyone listening that she could become as invisible as that jackal had been. Yet she felt him getting closer. His feet made no sound, but she felt him draw near. The same way a person feels they’re not alone in a haunted house. Like seeing shadows in the corner of your eye. Like feeling something watching you from the darkness when you wake from a nightmare.

A hand trailed down her loose hair, running long, slim fingers through her locks, he gave a growl of praise. “I’ve been waiting for you too,” 

She started crying. Her face got hot, her eyes stinging as she tried to hold the tears back, only for them to scorch her cheeks as they rolled down, her expression pulling into an ugly whimper. 

Closing her eyes, she told herself if she couldn’t see him he was just a voice in her head. If she didn’t look him in the eye he had no control over her. It was just a bad dream. A side effect of the stress. An auditory halluc-

“Oh, don’t cry,” A cold knuckle dragged over her cheek, swiping away a tear. His finger alone took up half her jaw. “I’m here to help you. I’m here to save you, little beasty,” His voice was dark, but gentle. As if he cared. As if he didn’t want her afraid. “Think of what we could do to Harrow, together,” 

She didn’t doubt he had ideas for what torture he wanted to rain down on the man. But that wasn’t her. She didn’t want to be feared, or to hurt people, or to kill. She didn’t want to be bad. Or to feel even more so that there was something crawling out of her soul, a demon that showed everyone just who she really was. What she really was. 

“No,” She whispered, shaking her head and taking a small step away from him. 

“No?” He asked, a deadly calm washing over his voice. “People have taken from you your whole life. Taken and taken for their own selfish needs,” Seth cooed, circling her with his behemoth frame as more tears flowed over her cheeks, her eyes squeezed shut with a frown, “I see your anger, your need for vengeance. To make them hurt the way they hurt you-” 

“NO,” She yelled this time, her hands coming up to grab at her hair, her body giving in to his words. He knew her. He knew her like an old friend, like he knew himself. Like she knew him. Like he’d been there for every bad thing that had happened to her. Like he was there for the whole of that time, he was there that day. 

That day. That body. What she’d done to him. 

“You hurt, little beasty,” Seth said, coming to stand in front of her. She felt his two huge hands hold onto her shoulders, one coming to her chin to tip it up to his face. 

If she opened her eyes now she’d see his sable black eyes looking down at her in an aching hunger. As if he revelled in the fact she was so pliant to his touch, that he could snap her neck within a flick of his finger and she could do nothing about it. She clamped her eyes shut harder, desperate to not fall for his gentle words, or the familiarity that came with his touch. No, he wanted this, he wanted her to concede, to trust him. To give into him.

No. She wouldn’t. She wouldn’t.

“I see the way you hurt. I see the fear in you that came long before I did. That they’ll all see you as I do,” He said, caressing her jaw with his sharp claws, a single ounce of pressure too much and her skin would be slashed open. 

“Stop,” She begged, her face wet with tears, her throat closing with a sob that drew out her request like a child. 

“Stop?” Seth’s voice was different now. The semblance of kindness that had been there in a fleeting moment was gone, replaced again with a thunderclap of a laugh, “You poor sweet morning lamb. We’ve not even begun,” 

Her eyes opened for a split second when she felt her body tense up, the feeling as close to rigour mortis as she could imagine, as a dark flash of movement, a row of sharp teeth, and insidious black eyes were all she saw as he took over every part of her body. 

Death took her body for the second time, though this time she felt everything. 

Layla watched its jaws open as its head flicked to her, its deep grunt of annoyance echoing through the empty street, before it's long, slim arms were thrust outwards and grabbed the two of them by the jugular, boney, rough fingers wrapping around their throats and squeezing. 

Steven was lifted off the ground, Layla suffering the same fate after she had thrown an empty beer bottle at the demon’s head, the tiny shards of refracted light bouncing off the glass like a mirrorball and outlining the head of a monstrous creature. 

Layla felt the brick smack harshly against her spine as the thing threw her to the wall, the same way Steven was tossed against a parked car, the passenger window cracking from the pressure and the alarm wailing in protest. 

They both stood up again immediately, Layla’s eyes scanning the floor for anything to use as a weapon, before her almond eyes fell on the neck of the bottle she’d thrown, the jagged edge of broken glass sharp and fatal. Diving for the shiv, she swiped at the area she thought the creature could be stood, though her attempt only proved futile as her wrist was grabbed almost too easily and the weapon was ripped out of her hands. 

The woman made a sound somewhere between a yelp and a cry as she was tossed to the hard ground like a ragdoll, Steven being thrown next to her as he made a move to grab the monster as well.

The two of them gasped as the hands seemed to swipe them to the ground harshly, like a cat toying with its meal, dragging the torture out as long as possible before they gave up and submitted to being ravaged. The two of them looked at each other in alarm, Steven’s eyes a bright white behind the suit, as they felt the jackal grab their ankles and drag. Their bodies scraped against the pavement, the two of them kicking and squealing, writhing to get out of the monster's grip, only to be yanked into the air once more, the blood rushing to their skulls the second they were pulled from the concrete earth. 

“Steven, do something!” Layla wailed, her cheeks pooling a purple colour the longer they were held, though she never relented in her hits, her arms and free leg waving around for any soft tissue she could get at. 

“Marc’s the one who fights these shits, not me!” Steven called back, trying desperately to reach for his batons to inflict any damage he could. 

Layla felt her head building with pressure, her eyes becoming painful to shut as she blinked slowly, the darkened streets turned upside down in her mind. Her thick, dark brows furrowed, her eyes locking in on a figure standing at the other end of the wide street, unrecognisable to her dazed eyesight. 

“Steven?” Layla murmured drunkenly, her hand coming up to grab his arm that was still flailing around. 

“What?”

“Who is that?” The woman asked, pointing to the dark silhouette that stood and watched them.

Steven’s illuminated eyes followed her finger to see the figure still with statue-like grace, silent yet never relenting their dark stare.

His eyes trailed from their body, muscled and in a wide, casual stance, their arms resting at their sides. Their entire body seemed to be in some kind of black, chestplated one piece suit, pads of armour on their vulnerable parts, thin spindles of gold wrapping around the suit in a skeletal fashion. The armour spread over the backs of their hands, opening out into golden claw-like razors at the tips of their fingers that didn’t so much as twitch with fright at the sight of two strangers suspended in the mid air. 

A black muzzle wound its way over their mouth just above where the suit ended at their jaw, their hair falling over the back of their shoulders to reveal more of the golden weaves that fell around their neck and over their breastplate, accentuating the woman’s curves whilst also giving off the look they were wearing a set of bones on their armour. 

Two six-inch shells of armour protruded from their headpiece, curved yet in lithe points, like long dog ears, like a Whippet’s, high and alert. 

“I-I don’t know,” Steven murmured, though he found himself unable to take his eyes off the shadowed figure. He wasn’t even sure they were breathing at the way they were frozen solid, their head tilted slightly as if intrigued by the scene in front of them. 

It was then that it seemed the Jackal realised they had company. But this jackal wasn’t alone. It had brought friends too. 

The figure seemed to cut out of their daze as another of the behemoth beasts came stalking out of the darkness, as if to have been waiting for the scraps of the kill. But it had prey of its own now. This mystery woman. 

Steven’s heart fell into his mouth, which wasn’t too hard seeing as he was still being held upside down by the creature. 

“Run!” Steven called to her, though she seemed to take no notice of his cries, “Get out of here!” 

But the woman stood still, head snapping to where the jackal walked forward, slowly and with a hungry grin on its face as a deep growl rumbled from deep within its chest. This thing was going to rip her to pieces, Steven thought numbly. And it was going to be all his fault for not giving the body back to Marc. 

“Marc,” Steven said with a panic as the thing stepped closer to her still, her head tilting more at the sound of its approach, though that was the only inch she moved, “Marc- take the body- Marc- MARC-”

But he was too late. Steven winced as the jackal lunged towards her, jaws wide open and large enough to swallow her entire skull with one bite. He wanted to look away but his eyes couldn’t tear themselves off the scene, though he knew a blood bath was coming. He felt the bile rise already at the idea of it, though maybe that was the gravity talking.

But Steven’s heart practically stopped when his eyes caught another slight flicker of movement from the woman and he realised exactly what he was seeing. 

The Jackal’s jaws were pried open, stuck in the moment the creature had leapt forward. It took Steven a second to realise the woman’s hands were the ones holding them ajar, her sharp nails latching into its snout and chin, blood already running down her hands at the sheer vigour at which she held onto the dead flesh. The beast gave a whine, its body jolting forward as it tried to overpower her, only to have no luck. She didn’t budge a single hair's width. 

Steven’s eyes widened, the beams of light engrossed with the scene before his eyes. Who on earth was that? How could she see the jackals like he could, let alone wrestle one? 

“Steven, give me the body,” Marc demanded from inside his head, though Steven caught the trace of nerves that rang at his voice like a church bell on a silent morning. 

“Who is that, Marc?” Steven asked, his eyes widening when he saw the figure forcing the jackal to back down a step as she forced herself towards the creature, clearly stronger than the monster twice her size. 

“Steven, I will explain everything later, just please give me the body or she’s gonna get hurt,” Marc said with the same edge to his voice that he had before. The way Marc dodged his question had sirens wailing in Steven’s chest, louder than anything else the American man inside him had said. 

Steven’s voice cut out when he watched the figure grab the beast's jaws even tighter, yanking them apart with a sickening crunch as the joints popped out of their place. She didn’t stop there, not even as the creature gagged and squirmed, a yawp of pain echoing around the street as it scrambled to get out of her grip. But she was relentless. She tugged apart the lower mandible even wider, wider than could ever be natural, and a gut wrenching rip came next. 

The creature stopped moving. Stopped crying. Stopped everything. It slumped to the ground in defeat, the woman standing over its body with no mercy as she held the wad of flesh in her hand, blood running from her fingertips as smooth as water. 

The creature's lower jaw was thrown to the ground, its face a mush of exposed muscle, its throat torn cleanly open. It was then her gaze set onto the other jackal with a slow turn of her head and a low growl echoed through Steven’s bones.

It took him a second to realise it wasn’t the creature that held him that was making the sound. It was coming from her. 

Layla and Steven were dropped to the ground as she approached the creature, the two of them gasping for air, their heads spinning with the blood crashing around their brains. 

The jackal set its sights on her too, eager to avenge its fallen companion, the two of them circling one another for a moment. She made the first move, her black boots near silent against the cobbled street as she leapt with cat-like grace to tackle it to the ground. 

She was able to get her arms around its neck as it met her in the air, her muscled arms quick to begin choking the thing, squeezing until they heard the sound of its shoulder popping out of place. The jackal gave a yelp similar to the other one, only it dragged out into an angry snarl as its huge clawed hand grabbed onto her by the scruff of her neck. 

It threw her away from itself, desperate to get her strong hands off its body, and tossed her a good ten feet away, into the middle of a busy road where she bounced over the bonnet of a car and smashed its left headlight in. 

Steven was quick to jump to his feet as the monster’s head flicked away from the woman, back to where he and Layla stood. 

“Steven, you’re being dumb. Don’t do this, you can’t do this-” Marc protested, though Steven felt whatever bravery he had left collecting together as he clenched his hand together in a tight fist. 

“I think- I think I can,” He replied, the Jackal stalking closer to him with its three good legs. It stepped forward, its confidence shaken by the woman that was now getting back up and pacing her way over to the two of them much too calmly for someone who had been thrown so harshly. “You want some more do you, you mangy, Macedonian mutt?” Steven tried to taunt, though he could feel the tinge of fear still quelling at his chest at the sheer brute size of the thing even when wounded. 

The creature roared in response, gathering its hind legs up to lunge again, as Steven drew back his arm to swing. 

But he was too late. The woman had returned with a silent agility. Steven saw nothing but a flash of black and gold as she dived for the jackal’s throat, clawing and snarling at its chest as she took the thing down with her in one swoop. Steven watched with an agape jaw as she lifted the creature up as if it were nothing more than a sack of grain, and threw the jackal into the same parked car already cracked from where Steven had hit it, the opposite window getting the brunt of the attack as it smashed and the door caved easily. 

The creature lay still for a while, giving Steven time to confront the woman who had helped him, and hopefully answer the questions that Marc had dodged. 

“Oh my god,” Steven started, approaching the woman from behind where she was stood, barely out of breath for what had just occurred, “Excuse me, who exactly are you, you’re just bloody amazing-”

Raising his hand to touch the woman's shoulder gently, Steven practically had the wind knocked out of him as she turned on her heel in less than a blink of his two white eyes, and threw him to the ground as easily as she had the creature. Kneeling over him, his body mushy underneath her sadistic strength, he felt his knees go weak as she grabbed him by his collar and brought him to her face where her eyes trailed over his own face, a horrifically deep snarl emanated from her chest, shaking his lungs with its power. 

“WOAH, Woah wait. I’m not going to hurt you, though I supposed I should be more worried  about you hurting me-” It was then that he actually took in what he could see of her face. 

The colour of the hair that fell around her face as she leant over him, the shape of her face that wasn’t covered by the black muzzle that wrapped around her mouth and over her nose, thin and metallic and yet making her sounds all the more terrifying. Her eyes, the iris gone and replaced by inky black pits of darkness that blinked down at him with famine. 

But that face. He would know that face anywhere, he would know it in the thickest of fogs, the darkest of Winters. He could find her in any crowd, in any life. And if he was to go blind by morning, he’d know her by the way she breathed alone. 

And he did. Despite the fact her breath was laden with grunts, he knew her. He knew her. 

“Dove?” Steven muttered, hands coming to hold her face gently, his brows furrowed with confusion, “Dove, what happened to you-”

His hand had all but brushed her cheek, a gentle action that normally would have had her preening to his touch, had her snapping at the bit, and Steven was sure she would have taken his hand clean off had she not been muzzled like a rabid dog. 

Steven jumped back as she came closer to him, an even louder rumble of fury damn near bursting his ear drums as she warned him off of touching her. She was not his dove. Not the girl he knew. Not the girl he loved. She was a feral beast untamed and wild, eager to hurt him as much as she had attacked the jackal were he to get too close. 

“Dove?” Steven asked one more time, though he kept his hands in surrender as she manhandled him, pushing him to the floor more as she pinned him down, her black eyes empty and raw as she stared at him, “It’s me, Steven. Your Steven,” 

Nothing. He gained no reaction from her, not so much as a blink. This was not her. This was a savage creature that knew no such thing as gentle touches and loving words. 

She did nothing but stare at him, waiting for him to make a move out of line so she could tear him to shreds. And yet, Steven lay there as if to submit his body to her if she wanted to do such a thing. He couldn’t hurt her, couldn’t fight back. Could never lay an unkind hand on her even if it came to his last moments on the earth. He could die by her hands and he would still consider himself lucky to have been touched by such a creature. 

She raised a clawed hand up to bring down on his masked face, a strength in the hit strong enough to tear clean through the ceremonial armour and likely leave him disfigured, if not cleave his skull in two on the spot. But she didn’t get a chance to strike. No sooner had she raised herself up to end it all, the Jackal launched its beaten body at her crouching form, the two of them tumbling away from Steven’s shaking body and rolling amongst one another in a flurry of wails and growls. 

She flew off him spitting and yowling like a feral street cat, a sound no normal human should make as the creature bit down on her arm hard. 

Steven felt two arms dragging him upwards and away from the scene, Layla could only imagine what was going on as the mystery woman’s arm sprayed her own blood over the concrete with every swipe of her claws. 

“What is that?” Layla asked breathlessly, practically yanking Steven away as he trembled under her hands. She froze when Steven said her name, her name, the name of the girl she had left in that room to make her own way out. “What? Is this Harrow’s doing? Turning her into some crazy dog-woman?”

“I don’t know,” Steven said with a defeated tone, his chest aching at the way she had looked at him with no recognition of who he was. “I think…” Steven thought for a moment, “I think Marc will know how to help her,” 

Layla nodded at him, her eyes taking in his broken expression, patting him on the arm gently, “Okay. Okay, bring him out,”

Steven turned away from her, sparing a small glance to the woman who held his life so closely in her hands, who had been seconds away from ending it, who he gave himself to entirely were it to be that he saw her in his last few moments of living. She scrapped with the jackal, two wild beasts gaining on eachother, drawing blood whenever and wherever they could. 

“Marc,” Steven said, his eyes never leaving her blank face, spots of blood now sprayed over her nose like freckles. He felt his alter perk up at the name, his body already tensing up as Marc clawed at the reigns to take over now.

“Yeah, buddy?” Marc asked, though he could see everything Steven was seeing, and his heart already sunk at the unrecognisable thousand mile stare she had. 

This was it. Seth had her now. “Save her,”

authors note: I used an AI to create what I think Dove looks like in her suit and-

These are the vibes we’re going for! Please feel free to imagine her as ANY shape, ANY ethnicity and ANY height however, these were just what the AI generated!

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[kurishiri]

17 . . . main story

— this translation may not be 100% accurate or may contain creative liberties for characterization or narrative flow purposes. if you enjoy, please consider reblogging, but don’t repost or claim these as your own!

— cw: obsessive or possessive behavior, flashbacks, angst.

It was the first time I had stepped foot into the basement since my tenure at Crown, and it was quiet with a strong scent of medicinal herbs.

Kate: ...Had the infirmary always been here?

Roger: Well, it changes from time to time.

Kate: I see...

Roger had skillfully treated the marks left by the rough rope, and said—

Roger: It doesn’t seem especially bad, at least from what I’m seeing. ...Your very pale face’s telling a very different story though.

Kate: Eh...

Roger: You were pushing yourself all this time, weren’t you?

He poked my forehead with his finger.

Kate: ...Nothing escapes your eye, I see.

Roger: If anything did, I wouldn’t be a good doctor, now, would I, lil lady.

R: Well, all that said, I’d say everyone knew you were looking a bit under the weather. You wear too much of your heart on your sleeve.

(So I got found out... I guess I shouldn’t be surprised though. I didn’t have enough energy to pretend I was okay.)

Roger: And, Elbie, too. Ever since he returned, he’s been looking a bit off too.

Kate: ......

Suddenly, it was as though his palms were on my shoulders at this very moment, and the feeling of him not letting me go hurt me,

as though my heart was being squeezed.

Roger: Usually, Al would do something about Elbie if he were acting off like this...

R: ...but looks like not even he could do anything about it this time.

(That’s... probably because I ignored him every time he tried to warn me.)

If I had just turned a blind eye toward Lord Elbert’s sin, and his sadness, I could avoid the ‘tragedy’ that awaited me. He told me this, time and time again.

(And yet... every time, I chose to face Lord Elbert.)

(Because, I want to save Lord Elbert, from this cycle of atonement...)

(...and, I want him to smile.)

Kate: Roger, if I remember correctly, you are a doctor, right?

Roger: A former one, yeah.

Kate: ...Then, how can I heal the wounds in my heart?

I looked at Roger straight in the eyes, a gesture he reciprocated in turn.

Roger: Whether wounds one can’t see have healed or not... there’s no way for the person in question to know, much less other people. It’s impossible to know, for your whole life.

(Impossible to know, for my whole life...)

Perhaps that candid answer, with no lie nor deception, could be seen as cruelty.

But, I felt that he answered the way he did, because he knew the importance of facing reality.

Roger: ...For illnesses without a cure, the only thing you can do is accompany it, one way or another.

R: And, even if there are times when it someday completely disappears just like that, there will also be times when even the slightest thing can trigger a relapse.

R: That’s why, if you ask me, the best thing you can do then, is to keep your head up.

Kate: And... what can I do... to keep my head up?

Roger: You know as well as me. If there was such a simple answer, you would’ve found it long ago.

R: ...Right, lil lady?

Kate: I... guess so.

Roger: Well, all that aside, don’t carry more than you can bear, lil lady.

With those words, Roger placed his large hand on my head.

Kate: ...I won’t. Thank you, for treating me.

(There is no simple answer... and, if I want Lord Elbert to smile,)

(I will have to keep facing him. Or, I won’t find the answer at all.)

(But...)

When I remembered Lord Elbert’s gaze on me, my heart hurt once again.

(...Tonight...)

(Just for tonight... I don’t want to see him.)

Not until this pain ebbs away, even if just slightly——

Roger saw me off as I left the basement.

(...I thought Lord Elbert might have been waiting at the exit to the basement.)

(But, it seems he’s not here.)

(Ah... maybe he’s in front of my room?)

I was going to walk straight back to my room, but then I hesitated, my legs stopping in place.

(I need a little time... to calm down. I’ll return once I do then.)

(But first, I need to be calm enough so that I’ll be fine running into Lord Elbert if he were waiting in front of my room.)

Just then, a sweet fragrance wandered in——

As though I was invited, I went to the garden, where the flowers were at their peak.

With only the moon’s light to guide me, I wandered around the garden without a destination.

Eventually, I found myself before a tall wall of roses, the hedge curved.

Kate: Wah...!

I bumped into someone, and before I could think, I let out my voice.

Kate: I-I’m so sor—

When I lifted my head, there stood—

—a surprised Lord Elbert.

Elbert: ......Kate?

Kate: ...Lord Elbert.

Lord Elbert blinked with his long eyelashes.

From that gesture alone, I could tell that this was a purely unintentional coincidence, but...

(I-I need to leave—)

Without thinking, I backed away.

Elbert: ...Why are you, in a place like this?

Kate: Ah... I, um, I needed to calm down, and so...

(I have to leave... quickly.)

To him, I was still no different from all the other things that served as atonement,

and that made me feel so much pain. And I found myself yearning for him and falling for him, to the point that pain dragged me along.

If... if he asked for a kiss, at this very moment, just like that day—

—what would I do?

(...Surely, I wouldn’t be able to stop it.)

(The urge to kiss, and my feelings, too...)

(I’m afraid all of those will hurt him... and the things I wasn’t able to say, as well...)

(Everything... would spill out, just like that.)

As if running away, I turned away quickly.

Kate: Um, sorry, I’ll leave no—

Elbert: ......The marks, from the rope...

Kate: Eh...

Elbert: Do they... still hurt?

Kate: ...!

Lord Elbert only spoke a few words, but the voice that came out of his lips was undoubtedly,

the sensitive kindness I knew he had toward others’ pain and sadness...

(Lord Elbert, you...)

(You are really, truly... a very kind person... and yet—)

An intense feeling swirled in my chest like a whirlpool, and I couldn’t stop it.

The ‘sin’ he bore which made him look at me like I was an object was deplorable.

And the people who made him think his own existence as a ‘sin’ in and of itself, was also deplorable.

In order to atone for this empty ‘sin’ he bore, he had forsaken his own happiness,

inflicted pain to hurt himself, and continued to collect beautiful things... that Lord Elbert——

(...That Lord Elbert was truly,)

Outrageous, sorrowful, and pitiable.

As though my legs had been sewn together, I couldn’t move from where I stood.

Standing with my back facing Lord Elbert, I felt his hands wrap around my stomach.

Kate: Please, let go of me...

Elbert: ...I don’t want to. I won’t let you go.

His embrace was gentle as his sweet voice filled my ears.

(...Please, I beg of you, Lord Elbert...)

(At this rate, I...)

I still don’t even know how to save Lord Elbert from his sin.

(I’ll, only end up hurting you.)

The warmth of his body embracing mine was so endearing——my heart hurt so much, I could hardly bear it.

Elbert: ...I was always thinking.

Lord Elbert lifted a lock of my hair with his fingertips.

Elbert: I... had intended to wait for you to give me all of your heart...

E: But, then, if you were going to become someone else’s anyway,

E: I thought, I should simply lock you, sooner rather than later.

The voice that came out of his lips, which he had lifted my hair toward, held no hint of that kindness I could feel from before,

leaving behind only a dark, cold voice, speaking to the impulses that drive him.

——The impulse to ‘have’ me, so that he can offer me to those who have already passed.

Kate: No...

K: Please don’t, Lord Elbert—

Elbert: Even if I can never take your heart... and, even if you become an empty shell of yourself,

E: if I can have you, then surely... I can become happy.

(‘Happy’...?)

At that word, red flashed before my eyes.

As though the thread that had been stretched had finally been cut,

all the feelings and words that I had desperately tried to bottle up inside me came flooding out.

Kate: ...Who, are you talking about?

Elbert: Eh...?

Kate: Just who is it... that will become happy then?

(If I say this, I will surely hurt Lord Elbert.)

(But... even if I do end up causing him pain,)

(I, don’t want to give up on you——)

As if running from the arms entwined around me, I twisted my body, pushing away that endearing warmth.

With him now in front of me, I steeled my resolve and formed words in my mouth.

Kate: Is it your parents, who have passed away... is it that you want them to be happy...?

Elbert: ......

For a brief moment, surprise shrouded his face, but then his eyes gradually became filled with darkness the more I looked.

Elbert: ...You heard from Al, didn’t you.

Kate: I’m really sorry for staying silent. I went and dug up your past on my own...

Elbert: ...Why, didn’t you just ask me directly?

Kate: That’s... because I wanted to know what was the thing that was making you suffer like this.

K: And... I didn’t want to invoke any sad memories.

Elbert: ......

Kate: I don’t mean to invalidate everything you’ve done up until now. But...

He thought it was a sin to not be born ‘beautiful,’ and he felt all the responsibility for his parents’ death as well.

And so, to atone for those, he collected things, and he accepted the pain.

That was the reality Lord Elbert was living. And nobody could deny that from him.

(But, even so...)

Kate: Please, I... I just want you to give yourself forgiveness...

Elbert: .........For, giveness...

Kate: And, I want you… to be happy.

I had always felt this way — it had never changed from the beginning — but I was surprised at how small my voice came out, and the way it trembled.

Even so, I mustered all of my strength, so that it wouldn’t get drowned by the night wind.

Kate: As long as you can’t forgive yourself,

K: you will only feel more hurt, no matter what you end up having, so...

(Please... let my words reach him.)

I looked into Lord Elbert’s eyes, my thoughts in a prayer.

But——those eyes stayed muddy, consumed by the darkness.

(...Please, I beg of you...)

Elbert: I...

E: ...don’t have any right, to forgive myself.

Kate: ...! But that’s—!

Elbert: ...But, if I can have you, I will surely be forgiven.

E: Because... you are this beautiful.

Kate: Right now, I... I can’t become yours...!

Elbert: ...But, why...

E: If it means I could have you, I wouldn’t mind burning down all the things I have, and yet——why?

Kate: I...!

K: Because... I...

K: ...I, love you...

Elbert: ...!

(I couldn’t say it, all this time.)

(Because, I was afraid of getting hurt, and of hurting him, too...)

(But... I can’t hold it in anymore.)

All my feelings and words overflowed——and I couldn’t stop it.

Kate: You’re burdening yourself with a sin you don’t have to bear, and you hurt yourself to do so... and I couldn’t just look the other way.

K: You are so kind, to the point it’s sad, and I... I like you for that...

K: And, no matter what sin you are bearing, I... I like you.

Elbert: ......

Lord Elbert stared at me without blinking once, as though time had stopped.

Kate: So, please, don’t throw away all your happiness to atone for this sin...

K: ...I, want you to smile. And, I want to make you happy, Lord Elbert...

K: And if I’m simply going to end up as another decoration in your room — another one of the things that is ‘not beautiful,’

K: I... definitely wouldn’t be able to do that anymore...

K: So, that’s why, I don’t want to become yours.

Elbert: ......

(...Please...)

(...end this eternal chain of suffering.)

I wanted his sadness to clear, like they did in fairy tales.

And, I wanted to put a stop to his endless atonement.

But——

Elbert: .........I understand now...

That faint glimmer of a hope like a light within a stormy night

was drowned out the moment I saw Lord Elbert’s face, which pointed downwards.

Elbert: ...The reason why I thought you were beautiful...

E: Your warm affection, and that pure, beautiful happiness...

E: You... are everything that I had stolen away.

And so, I had understood then that from now on, only pain and sadness would come for him.

(——Ahh...)

(As I thought, it didn’t work.)

Kate: ...hic...

Tears brimmed over my eyes, and my breath got caught in my throat.

As if I had dropped to the bottom of the deep sea, I couldn’t breathe.

(I... was not enough.)

(My love for Lord Elbert was... not enough...)

(...to save him...)

Lord Elbert’s hands reached out to me, and embraced me from where I stood still.

It was the same as having caught a weak, short-lived butterfly——gently, and softly.

Elbert: I already have your heart now.

E: So, if that’s the case...

E: ...I, no longer need that kiss from you.

——Now, Lord Elbert was going to make me his.

I would be offered to the dead, in order to atone for his sin.

In order to hurt himself deeply, and punish himself.

(To think something like love...)

(...could bury the deep, deep wounds he bore like magic——)

It was indeed, nothing but a dream.

Lord Elbert’s eyes were empty as he brought me to his room, still embracing me.

Kate: No... please, don’t... Lord Elbert.

Like a grumbling child, I could only repeat my words over again.

The shock of me being so helpless was so great, I couldn’t put any energy into my voice to resist him.

Elbert: ...No, you can’t.

E: I, won’t let you run away anymore.

Kate: ...!

He had let go of me when he laid me down on my bed,

but, I couldn’t just run away.

(And it’s not that I want to run away from you.)

(I just don’t want you to be sad.)

(And, I want you to smile.)

I want you to be by my side because you want to, so we can simply smile at one another.

Even though I knew I could never have that, I still couldn’t abandon that hope.

It felt like I was looking up from the depths of the sea, toward the surface that seemed so very far away.

Elbert: ...Kate.

Lord Elbert blocked the moonlight that streamed into his room, casting a shadow from above me.

His golden locks of hair seemed to glimmer in the moonlight — it was truly, very pretty.

Elbert: I, won’t let you run away anymore.

It was as though I had sunk down in the cold, deep sea as I looked around Lord Elbert’s room in a daze.

And then, my eyes stopped on the butterfly specimens that decorated the wall.

(The things here...)

(...every one of them is beautiful, sad, and lonely——they were all proof of his kindness, and his atonement.)

And, I will surely become one of those.

Just like the butterflies whose backs had been pierced by a needle.

Kate: Lord Elbert, please, stop this...

My pleading wavered, having carried my final hope.

Elbert: ...

Eyes that were devoid of life, as if they were glass marbles, looked down at me.

He didn’t answer me, instead——

I heard a metallic sound and felt a cold, chilling sensation on my ankles.

When I looked down, I saw that one of my ankles was connected to the edge of his bed with a manacle.

Elbert: ............With this,

E: I finally, have you.

There was no sign of forgiveness, of relief, of happiness — nothing.

It was a voice devoid of emotion, enough that it sent shivers down my spine.

—— Elbert’s POV ——

Elbert: ......

When I awoke, I found myself standing at the beach.

It was hard to say exactly how I ended up here, as my memories were hazy.

Elbert: ......Kate.

Suddenly, that name spilled from my lips.

For some reason, I couldn’t breathe well.

Even though I had gotten what I wanted.

I had obtained it.

The world’s most beautiful thing... the person who loved me, the person who wished for my happiness...

I’ve hurt her, deeply, with these hands——

Elbert: ...hh ...?

That which fell on the sand in droplets was my own tears.

Elbert: Why...

I didn’t even have to ask — I knew deep inside that I already knew the answer.

The reason why I thought Kate was beautiful, was because she had wished for my happiness.

Because, she had said she wanted me to smile, and tried to protect me.

And because... she had loved me.

(And that... made me happy. So, so happy.)

(Every second I’m with Kate... I was happy.)

——That’s why, I had to break it.

I had to obtain it, so I could offer it.

It was just as she said——I couldn’t allow myself happiness.

Elbert: ...What else do I need to have?

E: Just, what do I need... and how long will this last...

I had always sought out that something that could atone for my sin — the most beautiful thing in the world.

But, even though I’ve tried to offer them that beautiful love and happiness I had stolen away, it only got harder and harder to breathe.

I don’t know what to do anymore... in order to forgive myself.

—— Flashback ——

Elbert: Mother... I found a pretty flower.

Cecilia: ...Oh, it really... is pretty.

C: Thank you, Elbert.

—— End flashback ——

Those eyes that looked at me as though I were the bugs she despised—

—— Flashback ——

Jeffrey: Just how much does your sad and sorrowful, yet beautiful appearance… stir up the hearts of everyone in the manor?

J: You are sorrowful, beautiful… and pitiable, Lord Elbert.

—— End flashback ——

—— Flashback ——

Hugh: Only when you’re suffering do I feel even a little better.

—— End flashback ——

—and those voices that wish for my misfortune... I couldn’t run away from any of it.

Elbert: ‘I...’

E: ‘I can no longer stand this hideous self of mine...’

My father’s words right before his death echoed from within my ears.

——It felt like the distant horizon of the sea, was beckoning toward me.

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[nicoline1998enilocin]

Expanding the family

PAIRING | Retired!Steve Rogers x Daycare Owner!Female!Reader

WORD COUNT | 2.1K

SUMMARY | You and Steve have been enjoying a beautiful life together ever since Steve retired from is post as Captain America and an Avenger. Now that you have more free time on your hands, it's the perfect time to add a furry friend to the family you've built together.

WARNING(S) | This is your official trigger warning. Do not proceed if any of these topics upset you. Implied sex, mention of threesomes, mention of infertility, unfulfilled wish for children, mentions of animal abuse (non-explicit).

Likes and reblogs will be very much appreciated 💜

Main Masterlist | Steve Rogers Masterlist

Both you and Steve have been loving your life since he retired from the Avengers. The first thing both of you did when it was finally time is travel all across the world, and the both of you were gone for a good year and a half, visiting every continent available and seeing as many countries as possible, all while being wrapped up in nothing but each other. The both of you had lots of sexual encounters in every single country you visited, either having sex outside, in non-conventional places, enjoying occasional threesomes, or everything you could think of, you've shared in those countries, making unforgettable memories.

And now that you're back, you've built your own dream life together, which started with buying your own house. After many discussions, you've decided to buy a beautiful brownstone in Brooklyn, not far from where Steve grew up to honor that lifelong dream of his. You also managed to live your dream by starting your daycare. And today, you're going to welcome a new arrival to your very own daycare, in the form of little Lily Barnes, Bucky's daughter. He is a single dad after the mother of his daughter abandoned her right after giving birth, so he's eternally grateful for the fact that you were willing to make room in your daycare.

''I'll see you tonight Bubba, I'm closing the daycare myself today, so I'm going to be late for dinner,'' you tell Steve, and even though he doesn't have to wait for you to get home, he does every single time. ''Have a good today Pumpkin, and tell Bucky hi from me when you see him!'' he says with a smile, and he snakes his hand around your waist to pull you closer for a kiss. ''I love you so much, my little Pumpkin,'' he says and he leans in for a soft, passionate kiss. You could get lost in his kisses forever, but right now you had a daycare to open. ''I love you more, Bubba,'' you say as you pull away from him. Steve handed you your lunch, since he was home a lot more than you, he always insists on making your lunch to ensure you eat enough during the day.

You walk out of the door and open your car with a push on the fob, and you quickly get in for your drive, you were trying to avoid most of the traffic on your way to the daycare and the universe was nice to you today. You pull into the parking lot attached to the daycare and you get out to get ready for the day, and this time two of your staff members were already waiting for you. ''Good morning girls!'' you said to Jess and Scarlett, the other 4 members of staff working today would arrive later. ''Mornin' Y/N!'' they said in a chorus before you opened the door and let both of them in. ''We have a new addition to the daycare today, and she will be in your class, Scarlett,'' you told her.

''Her name is Lily Barnes, and before you ask, yes she is the daughter of Bucky Barnes. He's a great friend of mine of Steve's, so I expect that everyone treats him with the same respect as you would every other parent,'' you said to them, already knowing what they were thinking. ''Bucky will bring her by around 10 AM, but I'm going to give him a tour first before he will bring her to your class,'' you told her and she smiled at you, clearly not too happy about having the Winter Soldier's daughter in her class. Both of them got their classes ready and starting at 8 AM, the first parents are dropping off the first children of the day. You got everything ready for when Bucky would arrive.

When 10 AM rolled around, you got a call from Bucky, and you immediately got worried. ''Hi Buck, everything okay?'' you ask, and you hear an out-of-breath Bucky on the other side. ''Yeah, no, we're on our way! Sorry we're late!'' he said and you told him not to worry about it, he could text you when he arrived, and he did. He was half an hour later than planned, but you didn't mind, you were well aware of how hectic the life of an Avenger could be. ''Mornin' Buck, morning' Lily!'' you said when you saw the little girl with her bright blue eyes and dark brown curls. ''How are you two doing today?'' before pulling Bucky in for a hug, which he looked like he could use by now.

''We're doing better now, but I overslept, got home late last night from a mission,'' Bucky told you and you completely understood, you've been with Steve long enough to know how these days can go. ''Alright, I will give you the tour and afterward, you can leave this little beauty with us for the day,'' you say as you take a look at Lily, who has put her head on her dad's shoulder, trying to hide herself out of shyness. ''Oh, you don't have to hide for Y/N, malyshka,'' he tells Lily. She opens one eye and takes you in, giving you a small smile before hiding again. ''It's okay, it's a big day after all,'' you say before starting with the tour, and ending at the class where Scarlett is.

''Scarlett, can I borrow you for a minute? Nina is here to look after the kids and I would like you to meet both Lily and Bucky,'' you tell her and she follows you to the hallway, albeit a bit reluctantly. ''Good morning!'' she says despite the way she feels about Bucky. ''Mornin', I'm Sergeant James Barnes - you can call me Bucky - and this gorgeous thing is my daughter, Lily,'' he says with an outstretched hand, and she shakes giving her name. Then she steps a bit closer to introduce herself to Lily. ''Good morning beautiful girl, my name is Ms. Scarlett, and you can come to play with me today!'' she said and that made her instantly happy.

''Oh, you said just the right thing, she loves to play! Alright malyshka, I will see you tomorrow, you will sleep over with uncle Steve and Aunt Y/N tonight, doesn't that sound like fun?'' he said, before turning to you. ''Thank you again, Y/N, I can't explain how much this means to me, all of it,'' he said before he handed Lily to Scarlett. ''Wanna say goodbye to daddy?'' Scarlett said and she waved at her dad who waved back. ''Bye, malyshka! I love you so so SO much, and I will see you again tomorrow!'' he said planting a few big kisses on her cheeks before she went into the classroom, still waving at Bucky. ''Oh, Buck, Steve wanted me to say hi!'' you said before he walked out the door. ''Hi back!'' he said before quickly walking out the door, he was late for work at this point.

The rest of the day went on without a hitch, and Lily was more than happy to go home with you, you and Steve have been babysitting on and off for Bucky since she was born so it wasn't weird for her. ''Ready to go see what Uncle Steve is up to, Sunshine?'' you asked and Lily nodded. The both of you drove home and before you knew it, you were unlocking the door to your house again. ''Bubba, we're home!'' you said and Steve walked into the hallway with a big smile on his face. ''Ah, there are my two favorite girls in this world!'' he said before picking Lily from your arms, that way you could take off your coat and shoes. He leaned in for a soft kiss, but it still takes your breath away every single time.

The three of you had dinner together before bathing Lily and putting her to bed, you had turned one of your spare rooms into her bedroom since she was spending quite some time with the both of you. ''Still can't believe how amazing you are with kids,'' Steve sighed as he looked at you putting Lily down to sleep. Both of you have spent a long time trying to have children of your own, but after many tests, you found out that you're infertile, and you would not be able to conceive children of your own. This is exactly the reason you wanted your dream of owning your daycare to become more of a reality. ''Thank you, Bubba. I know you would make a perfect dad too,'' you said with a defeated sigh, you were well aware of Steve's chance on children.

Steve's biggest dream would be to have his very own family, and it had broken you time and time again that you could not give that to him. Even though there was nothing he wanted more, Steve never hated you for it, exactly the opposite even. ''I know, Pumpkin, but my dream already came true when I met you, as long as I have you I don't need anything else,'' he said, and he proved it to you every single day. The day both of you found out Bucky would become a father, you and Steve immediately offered to take care of the child whenever necessary, you both loved the little girl to pieces. Despite this, there has been an itch neither of you could quite scratch.

This was an itch in the form of a pet, more specifically in the form of a dog. Steve is home full-time nowadays and you work 3 days a week, so there is no better timing to pick out a lovely friend than now. Since you had Lily today, all three of you went to the animal shelter to go see if a new friend was waiting to be added to your household. This morning, you FaceTimed Bucky because Lily missed her dad, and his heart broke into a million pieces when he saw. ''Oh no, malyshka, I will be with you again tonight!'' he said, and you explained your plan for the day. ''Just make sure she doesn't bring one home for me!'' he joked and with that, all three of you went to the shelter.

''Good morning, we were hoping to adopt a dog to come home with us today,'' Steve said as soon as you reached the front desk. ''Well, then you've come to the right place! Please follow me, and I will show you which of our furry friends are up for adoption right now,'' she said with a happy voice. ''Your daughter is beautiful,'' the woman said to you, you were holding Lily in your arms. ''Oh, she is beautiful, isn't she? But she's not ours, we're babysitting for a friend,'' you said with a big smile on your face, you were used to it by now. ''Oh, I'm sorry! I assumed-'' ''It's okay. I don't mind thinking people she's mine, but don't let her father hear it before he gets jealous,'' you joked with a wink and Steve laughed at your comment.

''Most of the animals in our shelter are here after being brought in from either abusive homes or the streets, and now they're all looking for their forever homes,'' the woman explained, and your heart broke a little at the thought of these animals taken care of badly. After roaming around for a while, you spotted the perfect addition to your home. A 5-year-old white and brown male husky, named Phoenix. ''Hi Phoenix, aren't you gorgeous?!'' you said when you kneeled in front of his cage, and he came up to the both of you with a wagging tail and a curious look in his eyes.

''Steve, you should come take a look at him!'' you said and he came right over, falling in love with him instantly. ''Oh wow, you're such a beautiful guy!'' he said, and before you knew it, all four of you were walking out of the shelter, and onto your home where Phoenix would spend the rest of his days with you. When Bucky came to pick up Lily that evening he almost got trampled by him, he ran up excitedly to the visitor. ''Woah there, easy!'' he said before petting him. ''I see your mission was successful?'' he asked Steve and he nodded. ''It was indeed, we'd like you to meet Phoenix, our newest member of the Rogers family,'' he said with a proud look on his face. Finally, his own family felt complete with everyone who was in his house right now.

[artofapeach]

How do you think the characters of termina would be different if they were born in fear&hunger 1 times

(I’m specifically asking about paavrin)

I TOOK PHYSICS AND THAT WAS EASIER THAN THIS WHAT THE FUCK

No but for real, like, so much of Pav and Karin especially is like—they’re a product of their time?? Like, I hope I’m not sounding like I’m playing favorites, but besides August, they’re very much characters made especially because of the events in Funger Senior, so it’s hard for me to imagine them DURING Funger Senior!

I’ll still try though!!

Pav feels so redundant, because like, in Termina, he’s basically a mix of Ragnvaldr and Darce. Joined the Bremen army and worked under Kaiser’s command, but instead of it being for love, it’s to exact revenge. And like, that’s his WHOLE CHARACTER. That was his LIFE GOAL (which is why when he fails, he becomes so utterly defeated and thinks there’s nothing left for him anymore but this isn’t about that, I’ll save that essay for another time)

So to put him in Funger Senior…he’d need a similar event to really feel like Pav, ya know? But again, that’s just end up very similar to Darce and Ragnvaldr, where it works centuries later as “ah, another run of the cycle”, but not really during the same time period, ya know???

Although, hmmmmmmm…what if Pav actually tricks Darce into thinking he cares as deeply for Le’garde as she does (no homo) (well maybe a little bit) and they go into the dungeons together?? But when they find Le’garde and Pav kills him, the utter betrayal Darce would feel—especially since this would have been a knight she knew rather than a random hunter she met in a dungeon—hmmmmmmmm…

Karin though! She’s even HARDER!

What is there even for a journalist to do in the medieval times??? (this is most definitely an invitation for any nerds to teach me on any medieval journalism please, that’d be cool 👁️)

My first thought though was, maybe she’s like a spy?I also don’t know at all what a medieval spies are like, but I’m sure they existed dinakdkskjfje

Also, if I remember my Funger lore properly (which it’s very likely that I don’t, my memory is shit, and I’m on my phone so I’m not about to flip to the wiki fifty times djsjjcjsjjd), Le’garde was NOT well liked by the main government and wealthy families. But he was well liked by people who felt like the world was unjust? And Karin, like, is SUCH an advocate for human rights—I get the feeling that she also would have fallen into Le’garde’s team, maybe genuinely believing in him at first—again, similar to Darce (let’s be real, there’s a lot of D’arce’s in the world).

But Karin’s real perceptive—I get the feeling she would have clocked Le’garde falling into the occult early and realize something is up and wrong. And rather than having that blinding trust, she starts to gather information—maybe start a third party separate from Le’garde and the main government to ACTUALLY do some good.

OOH WAIT OKAY okay okay, so, what if Karin clocks Le’garde’s occultism and starts to look into him, and then she and Pav clocks each other’s distrust of Le’garde and they work TOGETHER????? It’s completely different from Termina and there’d be no enemies to lovers 😔 but I feel like, personally, that’s would be the most fitting way for them to meet and work together (and eventually fall in love, of course).

And we all know Karin would ALSO go in the dungeons of Fear and Hunger, because there’s no way she’s not getting involved. Just D’arce and her band of lovers that are plotting against her jcjdkfkdkkdmf

I do get the feeling Karin would be less of an advocate of straight up murdering Le’garde rather than roughing him up and then bringing him to Justice. That said, in Termina, what I find interesting is that Karin is actually more trigger happy than Pav is (Pav makes threats, but actively avoids killing when unnecessary—Karin meanwhile whips out her gun on August just for making some notes on the other contestants). Maybe in a Funger Senior setting, she actually convinces Pav to wait on killing Le’garde, but while going through Mahabre and Le’garde has one of those fascination “I’m gonna become a god!” moments, Karin gets involved with a scuffle with him and accidentally kills him?? Then she would have to deal with the guilt and D’arce’s wrath—Pav there trying to comfort her and tell her it had to be done and it was for the best????

I DUNNO, DO WE FUCK WITH THESE IDEAS??? AM I COMMITTING MISCHARACTERIZATION HERE???

I am NOT doing the other characters, this alone hurt my brain (and I’m p sure August would be near impossible) BUT I do want to point out Twitter user @/B0nesJam’s au with their Nightshade dungeons of Fear and Hunger designs, ‘cause they’re super cool :3c

[galaxyseclipse]

(Agent 4)

Tier 0

3, 9, 15, 16, 20, 29

Tier 1

1, 10, 11, 15, 28

Tier 2

10, 12, 17, 18, 27

Tier 3

18

Tier 4

9, 21, 24

Tier 5

2

Tier 6

6, 11, 30

don't you smile mischievously at me /lh

though I did say "hit me" so maybe this is on me lol

but I will say: for future reference, maybe don't put 24 in one thing please

I like the long ones, and I'm glad y'all have that much interest in my characters, but that's a little excessive

Tier 0

3. What species are they? Any special notes?

They are an Inkling, specifically based on the hummingbird bobtail squid, so they glow.

9. Main tentacle color? How did they pick it?

Teal; they were born that way, but there has been some green creeping in lately :)

15. What is their main weapon? How did they pick it and why?

Dark Tetra Dualies. They like to feel powerful on the Reefslider and zip around with the more rolls.

16. Languages they speak? Any that they’ve learned or want to learn?

They speak Inklish mostly, but they know enough Octarian to carry a conversation pretty well(though their accent is usually somewhat off). They've lived with Ika long enough to start to recognize the occasional thing in Salmontongue, but definitely not enough to speak it(they can mostly only tell if they're talking about them).

20. What size are they? Are they average size for their species or not?

They are about 4' 10"(147 cm), so they're a little shorter than average.

29. What makes them cry? Is it a common sight?

They claim “nothing”, but that’s not true. They just don’t like people seeing them cry so they avoid doing it in front of others.

Tier 1

1. Any pets? Do they want any?

They probably had small ones as a kid, but none currently. They're a little too busy for one("keeping up with squirt is basically like taking care of an animal").

10. How much does it take to trigger their Special Rush state? Do they get pumped fast?

Only slightly less than average; like you've got a couple Special Charge Up slots. They are Tsunami's cousin, after all. They are very easily excitable though.

11. Are they a good Super Jumper? Do they land their jumps?

They're pretty accurate, but they can't go super far. It's about a 50/50 shot on whether they'll land it properly(they don't have bones, they'll be fine).

15. Their favorite way to listen to music? Headphones, radio, et cetera?

Headphones, it's more private.

28. Anything they have too much of?

Everyone tells them "blankets and pillows", but they themself would say "cups". They just started accumulating them and before they knew it, they had a ton.

Tier 2

10. How often are they in swim form? How does it feel to them?

Really only when they're trying to hide or swimming, though hiding still doesn't work very well because half of their body still glows. They are very small like that so it's a little scary.

12. How do they sleep? How much do they usually need to sleep?

They sleep under a very large pile of blankets and pillows, saying they "need the weight to be comfortable". How much fully depends on how close exams and project deadlines are; swinging between the normal 10-ish hours, and zero.

17. Are they in a relationship? Do they want to be?

They are dating Marie. They try to keep it lowkey for her sake.

18. Any past relationships? Why did they end?

No, they were never really a "relationship oriented" person. They had crushes, but they never went anywhere.

Tier 3

18. If they could be any other species, would they? And what would they be?

No, they're pretty content the way they are now.

Tier 4

9. Any short-term color change? Which emotions trigger which colors in them?

Not really other than for ink battles and stuff. Their tentacles get more or less saturated depending on their current mood, and their spots glow more or less in the same way.

21. What do they find attractive in somebody?

Personality first; if they can properly match their energy and look good while doing so? Instant attraction.

24. How often are they sick? How do they handle it?

Other than the frequent migraines, not super often. They're the kind of person who says, "if I can do [insert fun thing] I can do actual work" when sick and powers through it, even if they're on the verge of passing out.

Tier 5

2. Anything they are dreading or horribly afraid of in their current life?

The heat-death of the universe.

And some of the stuff they've done as an agent catching up to them.

Tier 6

6. What is their preferred weather? What is the worst one?

They like warm, sunny weather the most, and hate the cold(another cited reason for the blankets).

11. Are they doing alright mentally? And is their “alright” ACTUALLY alright?

Yes and no? Probably not, especially if they’re saying they’re “fine”.

30. Are they a good person? In their own opinion.

Objectively, yeah, but they sometimes struggle with thinking that.

[coldcrypt]

I'm marco, 26yo cis guy from UK. I got into weight loss because I wanted motivation to stop drinking around april 2022, and ended up bingeing and purging on avg 3 times a week for abt 6 months. I relapsed back into daily drinking (litre+ of vodka a day) and detoxed in hospital at the start of the year, but have been finding it really difficult to stop and stay stopped, so I'm back here. I've nearly died so many times recently from drinking and I just keep gaining/getting more and more swelling &bloating. If any alcoholics/bulimics have advice for someone who cant stop shovelling it in to get a sustainable deficit, I'd appreciate it a lot. My goal is to be safe about it, but I'm open to anything that works.

I'm experimenting with different methods of weight loss, sometimes fasting, sometimes rezzing, but am very inconsistent. I binge v often. This is not so much an accountability blog, more like recording what I've learnt and just venting. My bmi starting around may20th was 22 ish, was 5th june 20, 4th oct 22.5,and now 20.5 jan27th. Have to get it back to 20, but goal would be 18 with low body fat %. My main goal is to stop drinking and get healthier (thinner).

To do list:

get compression sleeves for running

Things that worked:

going to meetings make it much easier to abstain and think abt other things than food -> much easier rezzing

being distracted by things unrelated to food

having good food options for rezzing prepped, like boiled eggs, or having a solid stock of staples like steak, yoghurt, fruit and veg

not buying food that I will binge on, if I buy it, even if its not for me, I will eat it and get fat

taking longer routes/walking instead of getting train (energy, weather and mood permitting)

peppermint tea

keep it in the day. One day at a time really works, it just takes practise to get into mentally

supporting blood sugar throughout the day, especially if going out/socialising/towards the end of the day (when alc cravings pick up). This is best done with small amounts of carbs following a rly high protein 1st meal

Things that I was doing before but that didn't work out well:

taking K supplements (just eat s. potato for carb allowance, is filling too and has loads of K, stops palpitations when intermittent fasting)

pho, miso or gochujang as soup bases. They are too salty and lead to painful sluggish bloat.

Oyster sauce is not worth the cals

Diet sodas. Caffeine dependence builds really quickly and teeth need help

olive oil for sautéing vegetables. Pointless cals. Fats can come from lean meats like beef steak, eggs and occasional avo as well as omega3 supplements

fasting. At 18 hours I feel like I'm goin mental and at 22+ the palpitations make it uncomfortable to move around or do anything at all

strength training (esp core) at home without equipment. Dont enjoy it at all, not motivated at all

watching hours and hours a day of ED documentaries, scrolling ED tumblr, and watching hours of foodtube every day. Obsession -> binges

hard avoiding carbs. Leads to massive brain rot and feeling morbid. Can't do anything. Inevitable binges, usually alcohol, or 4000 cal of food.

sushi is not really worth it. White sushi rice is too sugary. Its usually a carb craving in disguise, or something to get on the go and is expensive.

weighing every morning just lead to trying to use caffeine as lax and more chaos on energy levels, or obsessing and not being distracted.

Press ups make my joints click a lot. Planking is really boring and doesnt feel rewarding.

Using sex for stim instead of food and cooking

Curious about:

feta, olives and cherry tomatoes for satiety.

Broccoli and mushrooms (annoying to prep or dont taste nice when boiled)

chicken sausages for cheap lean protein (think they can be a binge trigger or lead to mental scarcity feelings but not sure if worth)

ways to make cottage cheese not taste shit (cocoa powder is not cutting it)

cardio > strength training maybe. Runner's high > nothing from strength training (that I ever felt anyway).

Finding a way to enjoy strength training

yoga and stretching for stim

skipping breakfast has really mixed vibes. Can feel completely awful, but can also make rezzing much easier. Can also lead to binges in the evening (because there's unspent cals in the budget). Probably best to stick to eating breakfast but keeping it high protein and not eating right away when waking up.

Experiment with meds timings.

minced turkey or discount fish for lean protein variety

ways to make eating salad not miserable, cos it does work rly well for getting a deficit. (Maybe herbs and lemon and chickpeas? Make in bulk? Quinoa? Binge risk)

_____________

New plan from 4th Oct '23 can't be strict bc cant track exercise cals without a phone for looking at time spent walking and running so will need to do a gross-in instead of net- in quick basic (aspirational) plan:

1000 cal deficit/day for the next month -> 1500 gross in/day allowance

NO: baked beans, bone broth, oil, paté, pasta, alcohol, caffeine, quiche, cheese, instant snack food, pesto, chorizo, hummus, meal deal foods reason: too sugary or fatty for their worth in flavour. Cause binges every time when rezzing. Not filling enough. Caffeine leads to crashes and the pickmeup is usually food.

LESS: bread, onion, ketchup reason: can be useful carbs in a pinch, less likely to cause binges than above (because they are only accompanied with protein). Onion and ketchup help with mental scarcity and support good vibes

MORE: fruit, veg soup, sweet potato, tuna, s. noodles, fruit juice, avocado, egg, steak, quorn, butternut squash reason: sugar cravings need to be comboed with fibre addition, or fruit juice could be useful diluted for emergency alc cravings. Everything else is lean protein and should be frontloaded in the day. Sweet potato is there for potassium and low glycaemic index carbs. Avo and s. noodles are contentious bc of price and fat/nutritional value reasons

ALTERNATIVES TO EATING: gaming, reading, weighing, cleaning, brushing teeth, counting cals, weights, stretching, running, walking, meetings. mostly overeat because of boredom and to break monotony in free time or to stim. These are alternatives that work and also make rezzing easier in other ways.

[unquietspiritao3]

Some Guidelines for Posting to Ao3

For people who want to know the “unspoken” customs and etiquette of posting to AO3, from a Fandom Old™ (me). I originally shared this with just some friends, so it was written with Taskmaster fandom in mind, but all of these apply to any fandom.

Disclaimer: I’m giving you guidelines, not rules (even if I’ve phrased them in a way that sounds like it’s a rule). And not only that, but guidelines based on the very specific goal of maximizing your potential readership. If you don’t have that goal, or you just don’t feel like doing something I’m suggesting here, or whatever, it’s fine! 

This is also not a comprehensive guide. I’m going to assume you’ve already read and have a good understanding of the official AO3 posting tutorial.

Also, I am not associated with AO3 or OTW (other than being a tag wrangler over a decade ago).

Warnings

Use Additional Tags for Warnings That Fall Outside the Archive’s Warning System

First thing, there seems to be confusion over what is an “Archive Warning”. It’s ONLY the things listed in this box:

There are six options, four of which (rape/non-con, graphic violence, major character death, and underage sexual content) are the actual things you need to consider when you are filling out this section. Nothing else. For instance, you don’t need to put on any sort of warning just because your fic has explicit content (assuming it is consensual and between adults). That’s what the rating is for, not the warnings.

But say your fic contains homophobia or racism or something else you want to warn for. You don’t need to pick “Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings” because that is specifically about the archive warnings (it’s right there in the wording!). If your fic doesn’t have any of those four things that are listed in the box, you are fine to pick just “No Archive Warnings Apply” and then use the Additional Tags to label the fic as containing homophobia and racism or what-have-you.

How to Use “Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings” (Answer: Carefully)

Many readers will avoid fics labeled “Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings” (I’ll abbreviate that to CNTW now just for my own sanity lol). This is because a fic with this label might have something that triggers or upsets them. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to use it; it’s just something to be aware of and consider.

The main reasons to use CNTW are:

Your fic does have one of the topics covered by the archive warnings (which, again, include only the things listed in the box), but you don’t want to spoil it.

You disagree with some aspect of the archive warning system and don’t want to use it at all.

You’re not sure if one of the archive warnings applies (for instance, you’re not sure if the violence in your fic could be considered ‘graphic’—this is the reason I’ve got CNTW on one of my own fics).

If none of these reasons apply, you probably don’t want to use CNTW.

Don’t Use Both ”Choose Not To Use Archive Warnings” and “No Archive Warnings Apply”

This is a very common thing I see that will turn me, and many other readers, away from a fic. If you’ve got both those boxes checked, it suggests you don’t quite understand the archive warning system, which will make people wary of your fic. These two options are mutually exclusive. Think of it this way: If CNTW means “I am opting out of the archive warning system”, why are you also telling us ‘No Archive Warnings Apply’ and therefore implicitly using that system? And if it means “This fic does/might fall under one or more of these warnings but I’m not sure or don’t want to say which”, then “No Archive Warnings Apply” is not true.

Additional Tags

You Don’t Need To Stick to “Official” Tags

This isn’t something that will turn people away from your fic, but it is a common misconception that I wanted to clear up. If you want to enter something as a tag but it doesn’t appear in the autocomplete, go ahead and enter it! You are limited only by the character limits. If enough people use your tag, it will (eventually, if the wranglers ever catch up, lol) get made into one of those nifty auto-completing “official” tags.

Entering your own tags is also extremely handy for certain situations! For instance, do you have something you know could trigger people so you want to warn for it, but it’s also not the main focus of the fic so you don’t want people who are super into that thing to have high hopes and be disappointed? Enter it as “A tiny mention of [thing]” or words to that effect. Typically these get wrangled to be synonyms of the [thing] tag so people can still filter in/out by it, but if they read the tag you’ve actually used, they know what to expect. I do this constantly!

Make Sure You Are Using Terms Correctly In Your Tags

Of course there’s subjectivity here because fandom language is ever evolving, but try to be accurate. Edging is not the same as Edgeplay, Humiliation is not the same as Degradation, and if you’re not sure what a particular fandom-specific term means, look it up on Fanlore.org or ask a more knowledgeable fan before using it.

How To Decide What to Tag

This is the most subjective section of this guide. Most people are pretty open to however an author wants to tag (although minimal/no tags could turn some people away). I tend to use the ‘abundance of caution’ approach and tag for everything I think might be important, up until I hit the tag limit in some cases. But that’s me. If you’re curious about my approach, I read through my finished fic and note down:

The general feeling of the fic. Is it fluff, smut, angst, hurt/comfort, etc.? (There are also handy combo tags for “Fluff and Smut” and things like that to help you avoid hitting your tag limit.)

Any warnings or kinks. Ask yourself “if I wanted to read something with [tag], would I want this fic to come up in the search results?” or conversely, “if I absolutely can’t stand [tag], would I want to exclude this fic from the search results?” If either answer is yes, slap on that tag!

Any other major concepts you focus on or tropes you employ. For instance, if one of the characters has some sort of minority identity and it’s a focus of the fic, you could tag that identity so people looking for fics about characters similar to themselves would find it. Or if it’s an omegaverse fic, include that tag.

Other Points

Include a Summary

I know, I know, summaries are hard. (Don’t worry, I will give you a hack.) But if you don’t include one, people are less likely to read your fic because they won’t know what it’s about.

You might think “don’t my Additional Tags cover that?” (please don’t skip both the summary and the Additional Tags), but the truth is, lots of people (ALEX) don’t actually read the tags. I think this is mostly because the way they are formatted in the default appearance of AO3 can make them look like a wall of text. Most people read the summary first, then look at the tags after, if the summary catches their interest. Or they simply use the filters to select for the tags they want and don’t read the rest of the tags at all.

So how to write a good summary? You already did! Find a paragraph or two of your fic that hints at what it’s about (it’s there, I promise) and copy/paste it right into the summary box. BOSH!

Don’t Turn Unrelated Fics into Chapters

This is a big one. People will avoid a fic that is actually a bunch of shorter fics posted as chapters. Why? Because if you’re looking for one specific thing, it’s harder to dig through a bunch of unrelated stuff to get to it.

I’ve seen some people try to “fix” this by using chapter titles to specify what is in each chapter, but there’s still issues with that. What if someone wants a short spanking fic, and you’ve got just the thing for them but it’s buried as a single chapter in a 100k-word fic-that’s-not-actually-a-fic? Your spanking fic is not going to show up in their search results when they filter by wordcount.

I could go on with many other reasons doing this makes things harder for readers. Bottom line is, there’s nothing wrong with posting separate fics as separate fics. It’s what the archive is designed for! If you really want to link them all somehow, consider a series (if they’re set in the same universe) or a collection (for your more general fic-organizing needs). There are tutorials on how to do both of these in the AO3 FAQ.

Format Your Fic To Be Easy On The Eyes

In online long-form writing, white space/blank lines between paragraphs make things easier to read. For many people, if they click into a fic and see a “wall of text” with no white space, they will immediately click out. Too many good fics don’t get read because of this!

[youremyheaven]

oh wow rahu men can be very much insecure. also now that I’m single I attracted an arda moon man and guess what! not only he’s idealizing me, he’s feels like I’m too good for him and he would “ruin me.” I was like nope already done that and friend zoned him. He also had preassumptions about me that rubbed me the wrong way. At least now with the Jupiter moon man I’m talking to is very much secure with himself and has a lot to offer. I feel safe in his energy.

the 12h profection year makes sense! I’m glad that you came out feeling better than before 😊

did we date the same guy?? lololol my experience is v similar to yours and what I learned from that relationship is v similar. I learned a lot from it. I also now know what type of men (cough cough rahu men) I should avoid and life has gotten brighter now that he’s gone. we also had venus square neptune synastry. this man idealized me and put me on a pedestal like I was some sort of goddess to him. I think it is a rahuvian trait to resent us because he saw me as this “pure person” so I guess that made him treat me like shit (but I’m a person with flaws like I’m human too yk!!!) and when the relationship was running it’s course, he couldn’t stand that I stopped accepting his behavior because I used to accept his bare minimum and take him back. I used to put so much effort for his ass. I think it kinda shook him because I snapped back and stop putting my energy in him and that was one of the main reasons we broke up. I was going through major health issues as well at that time so I didn’t have much time for him because I had to put myself first and I guess that triggered him. My health issues made me realize a lot of shit and the veil was coming off. He wondered why I was with him and would be like why are you even with me? That rahu energy had a grip on me that’s why 😭😭 even after we broke up he was like I hope you find someone who makes you happy and gives you the love you deserve that I couldn’t give you. I realized this man will not give me the love I deserve, he will continue to resent me because my personality, my talents, etc.

Also kinda random on how rahu and ketu energies can manifest irl, you did mention something like how rahu natives can get back up from health reasons (correct me if I’m wrong!) My ex would try crazy ass shit and had dangerous encounters but came out fine😱 and as Ketu native I have a chronic illness and I have to watch out for my health😫

ty for allowing us anons to share our stories🩷🩷🩷 it’s comforting knowing we share similar experiences with rahu men 😭 sending healing vibes ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

tysm for the healing vibes 😭✨🫶🏼 sending some your way too 💫💖💫

all my life ive always felt like I was undeserving of the kind of treatment i received but now im thinking of how if me holding myself back has meant that ive subconsciously manifested many abusive relationships (romantic & platonic) ,, lacking self esteem can be dangerous bc if you don't see your own worth, others WILL try to convince you that you're nothing 😮‍💨sorry it's not related to anything you said but you've ✨ provoked my thoughts ✨once more hehe

[entropy-sea-system]

This blog and our sideblogs will be on hiatus/inactive at least for a while.

I think being online may be a bit overwhelming for us, I don't feel like we got much out of it and its so easy for us to leave servers and block people when everything doesn't seem perfect, we don't have any actual attachment to anyone online so it's easy to just leave.

And this time at least w the discord servers I don't even feel very angry or upset, just maybe left out of anxiety and feeling like I need a change in the spaces Im in. I also wonder if in some cases I eventually get tired of a space or people and need to leave, Im not used to stability, and especially have no incentive to stay when I don't have a connection to someone.

I think currently I only feel that stability with my in sys partners, and sometimes Im still not used to that, I haven't cared about people that intensely for that long until having relationships with them.

We see a concerning amount of people hold views we can't agree with, and have been blocking these people as well as just ppl whose posts were not things we were interested in / may have been things we disliked or were triggered or repulsed by. We have blocked so many followers and unfollowed or blocked some ppl we followed because of these things, and its just better for us this way.

We haven't liked being in spaces mainly with minors, but maybe that was just the nature of online aro and apl spaces as of now, and some fandom spaces. But some discord servers geared towards adults seem to imply minors are 'annoying' and I don't agree with that, it feels antithetical to youth liberation and generally just respecting people.

I just prefer interacting with adults personally, and most of the system is this way since we are an adult. I feel like Ive been around minors like for so long (body has younger siblings and we were a minor until like 3-4 years ago) that I'm preferring to be around adults because I want to feel more like Im actually an adult, and don't feel like spaces with more minors are for us.

I think maybe I just got a bit tired of being around the age group of 'my age and younger' for so much of my life its like I don't want a repeat of that. I don't know anyone I really trust outside the system(not a priority to find this either), and I've never had an older adult mentor figure I could trust in my life, and I don't even know if I want that since some older adults may see me as 'like their child' and I'm afamilial. I'm also plato repulsed and it doesn't appeal to me to just hang out with people, I may be more plato repulsed than I thought (extending more into some things seen as friendship) which is really saying something.

This doesn't mean minors and youth are prone to always having views we disagree with (although we understand there are some reasons minors may be less likely to be informed about things or be influenced by the way the world has been, but that goes for any age group and/or culture in different ways) or that adults cannot interact in appropriate ways with minors, its just personal preference. I don't feel like on purpose interacting w minors in online spaces, and I don't even seek online interaction w anyone much to begin with. I think often, we just like talking about our interests and maybe like the attention we may get from people online.

There's nothing else we find positive about it, and the way online spaces can become very invested in discourse is.. irritating and like yeah I do talk about discourse and have opinions on it (not much posting abt on main, but used to a bit more in vent channels or other channels on discord servers) myself it's just maybe I want to avoid it for now since it doesn't seem like a good use of time or energy.

I want to avoid people who very obviously have opposing views to ours or make space for those who do for some topics at least, and I don't want people to target us for not agreeing with them. Frankly, I'm seeing a lot of harmful attitudes from so-called leftists and generally people in the mogai community, especially usamericans.

Anyways, all this is to say we will probably be taking a break from tumblr and discord or at least try it out for a bit, see if it feels better than being online a lot.

(-Rift)

[game-boy-pocket]

Dungeon number 4 of TOTK is done. I was delighted with this dungeon because, I found this really cool mechanic out in the wild in a few isolated areas, but I was disappointed that they were such small areas, but it turned out to be the dungeons main gimmick. It was an extremely easy dungeon however, but that could be because I had mastered a good chunk of the game's mechanics by now and zipped around this dungeon like nothing... Still think I like the Gerudo Desert section better though.

I did do the story event that comes after doing all four dungeons. It was pretty intense. Got my blood pumping. It seems there may still be more yet left for me to do in the game though, as I have yet to come face to face in the other boss, and something did kind of get slightly spoiled for me thanks to a youtube video I was watching. But I had a hunch the thing that got spoiled for me was the case anyway because of something I discovered in the depths.

I'm so not ready for this game to be over. Even more so, I'm not ready to give my full thoughts because I have... A LOT of them and it's going to take a long time to get them in order.. its' going to be hard not to sound like i'm complaining, which is hilarious to me because almost everything I feel about this game is a positive feeling. I love this freaking game. BOTW was in my top 3 ever since I finished it but now it seems very quaint in comparison, and is now in maybe the top 10. But TOTK is going to be in my top 3, easily, very easily.

I guess I just find it easier to phrase what my problems are with certain pieces of any given media than I do praising what I like about them. When I try to praise something all I know how to say is " this part was good, I like that, this made me happy, I thought that was cool" but never the "why" I feel that way.

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it I guess. I'm going to try to avoid triggering the final boss battle until I'm fully satisfied with all the exploring i've done of the game's world.

[hanaaamaryam]

I realized one thing is that I will never be ashamed for wearing my heart on my sleeves. Let me pour out all my love for you. That is the essence of who I am. I love big. You are not weak for believing in something with all your heart. You are not weak for experiencing grief and loss. You are not weak for willingly to do whatever it takes to heal a connection you value. That takes fucking strength.

The only mistake that I did was how too late I was for realizing my own. How abrupt my mind can change from one another (i guess this lies within my characteristic as a BPD sufferer) we call it “splitting”. It’s not the same as bipolar but it has a-bit of similarities. Where in BPD, I experienced euphoria where it will usually last for days, maybe weeks. During these time, I feel like as if i’m on top of the world. My emotions are intense. Transient intense joy. My confidence is at a very high level. But at times, my emotions can vary throughout the day. I can go from loving you to hating you in disgust. It’s alot and tiring. My level of awareness makes me realize this about myself, how easy my emotions can change. Its not what we call like a ‘’mood swing’, it’s triggered by a combination of actions. But I try to avoid my triggers as much as possible.

You see, I admire people who have very strong principles. Who lives life with a set of rules. They hold themselves very high. Like nothing can change their mind. Once they set something, they will go for it. Who faithfully follows their principle rather than abandoning it when its convenient. And me on the other hand, I was raised as someone who does not think having values nor principles was that significant. I’m very care free, the kind who follows the flow. Don’t get me wrong, I think I have quite a strong character but on what basis? Nothing really. My stance varies from one situation to another. It’s never fixed. And also I’m stubborn. I can be selfish. Whatever is convenient for me at the time. I will do whatever or however I’d like. Cause at times, I’ve learned and i’ve lost. I know what is right for me and what is wrong. But at times, I tend to dissociate and watched myself from a third party view through my very own lens. Sitting at the back of my head, watching as I allow things to get so complex. Every time. The people I’m close with. I guess that’s the main reason why I tend to push people away because I don’t think I deserve such peace. That the only reason I was born in this world, was to always feel pain.

But I’m optimistic. I’ve come so far. I’ve changed for the better. I’m hopeful for my future. That whatever happens, God’s willing, is for my own good.

Hannah maryam

[hismercytomyjustice]

Please pray for me because I’m about ready to start biting people at work, lol.

I am going to end up in jail for taking a chunk out of someone’s arm while foaming at the mouth.

I was gonna take today off since I had yesterday off for Juneteenth and I’m major stressed about this trip next week. But then we were told we would be going through the agenda for the trip on the call so I was like “cool, makes sense, for the sake of my anxiety/ocd and desperate need to know what the schedule is and be as prepared as possible, I’ll cancel my extra day off so I can go to this meeting.”

TELL ME WHY THEY TOLD US ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THE TRIP ASIDE FROM “YOU’LL GET THE AGENDA TOMORROW.”

TOMORROW??? LESS THAN 24 BUSINESS HOURS BEFORE I WILL BE IN NY???

Look. I am not trying to be difficult. I know my need to know as much as possible about something before getting into it is a bit…extreme.

BUT THERE ARE ONLY 19 OF US GOING. HOW HAVE YOU NOT FINALIZED AN AGENDA YET OR AT LEAST GIVEN US A ROUGH MOCKUP OF WHAT TO EXPECT???????

Oh my GOD. I am losing my FUCKING MIND. Oh, but we were told to expect to still be doing our regular work even though we “have a packed schedule.”

WHAT. WHAT.

WHEN. Y’all already got us flying there Monday morning and leaving Wednesday night.

WHEN. WHEN WHEN WHEN????

The level of anxiety I feel at having absolutely no fucking clue what to expect for a trip this close is OFF THE CHARTS.

I don’t feel like I’m asking for the sun and the moon and the stars??? I just want to know basic shit like if I’ll get any breaks (haha, good one), how “packed” the packed schedule is, how much time I’m going to have to mask like my life depends on it, and how much time am I going to have to come down from being around people and being nonstop busy every single day.

Plus the added stress (to me) of having to rush there and rush back home because the multi-billion-dollar company I work for is too stingy to pay for us to either go up Sunday or leave Thursday.

lol I want to fucking cry from frustration.

Literally the whole having ocd thing means I am hardwired to have little to no tolerance of uncertainty/change and desperately desire routine. Plus the fun addition of ADHD means I’m very easily overstimulated and have impaired executive function (which I’m going to need in spades for this damn trip).

That doesn’t even take into account the fact my therapist (who specializes in ocd) says I probably have autism too. There’s a pretty significant rate of comorbidity and an overlap in symptoms between autism and ocd and they often get misdiagnosed for the other because of it.

“The prevalence of OCD is estimated to range from 4.9% to 37.2% in children and adolescents diagnosed with ASD, and from 7% to 24% in adults with ASD.”

A wild range in the state, but still significant enough they’re like “we see the link.”

I was around 18 the first time I was told by a therapist that I might have ocd and lord knows I had symptoms before that. Tbh I’m 99.9% certain my ocd symptoms started around age 12/13. I just didn’t see a therapist for the first time until I was 18 (yaaaay growing up poor!). Then I got told again back in 2022 by another therapist “hey, has anyone ever told you that you might have ocd” and then finally by my ocd specialist therapist (who I wasn’t even seeing for ocd, just exposure therapy which tends to be one of the main treatments for ocd) who was like “you 1000% have pure o ocd” lol. Not her exact words, but that was the sentiment.

Pure o is a bit of a misnomer because a lot of the compulsions are internalized rather than externalized (ex. reassurance seeking, spiraling in an attempt to suppress/ignore distressing thoughts, avoiding situations that may trigger obsessions, exhaustively assessing and reassessing what-ifs…).

My current therapist actually personally has ADHD and specializes in OCD. While she’s not in a position to diagnose someone with autism, she’s still in a good enough spot to say “I’m pretty confident you have it.”

I did get tested for it when I got tested for ADHD at my request, but didn’t get the diagnosis for it. lol after three separate therapists had to consult with each other on whether or not I might have it. I was deemed as “having signs of autism, but not enough autism” lmaooo. The lady who did my assessment was new enough in her career she had to get the results signed off on by a superior (who, if memory serves, also changed in the middle of my assessment) and was told not enough autism. Tho the assessor and my therapist (part of the assessment involved them comparing notes on me) were both like “we see it.”

And ever since then I’ve been trying to figure out if the ambiguity is because I’ve gotten really fucking good at masking or if it’s just because my special brand of adhd/ocd encompasses 2/3 of a whole autism lmaooo. There is little doubt in my mind that, before I learned to mask in my early twenties, I probably would’ve been diagnosed without any hemming and hawing. BUT HERE WE ARE.

The joys of trying to get a diagnosis later in life after you’ve spent decades learning how to fucking cope, or at least fake it well enough to get by.

WHO KNOWS.

I feel mildly less like I might bite someone now, but I’m sure that’s not gonna last. lol. Lord help me.

The timeframe for that is going to be largely dependent on when they finally give us the agenda tomorrow lol. Morning? Minimal risk. Late afternoon? Gonna need a muzzle.

┻━┻︵ \(°□°)/ ︵ ┻━┻

[pinerhz]

A10 tank buster rc plane

You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.The Fairchild Republic A-10 "Warthog" is a single-seat, twin-engine, straight-wing jet aircraft developed by Fairchild-Republic in the early 1970s. I have not ever seen another one of those aircraft since other than on the news programs, so if I in my small way had helped those pilots, good luck to them, they will never know me and I will never know them, but I thank them for keeping their fingers off those triggers, and left me to go home for my dinner, shaken but safe. The exercises continued for another week then all of those aircraft must have flown off on their mission abroad. On the main news that night it reported that A10's were being deployed to the Gulf from their base in Britain. It left me sitting in the cab shaking like a jelly, and could not believe what I had witnessed what with the noise of the jets over head and what might have happened if one of them had actually produced a friendly fire incident. It must have given them great satisfaction to have had a "sitting duck" part way through their manoeuvres on which they could practice. Then when about quarter mile away the pilot must have pulled back on his stick and swooping up from lower than normal, passed directly over the tractor, the following two did exactly the same. I stopped the tractor and in effect froze it was no use me weaving at four miles an hour to avoid the rockets which could have been deployed in those last seconds. In my mind they had locked their radar, or sights, and aiming at me in the tractor as if it were an enemy tank. Not over me, not round or down on side or the other, but directly at the tractor. It was the third day when I was working in that same field when I noticed them coming in the distance over the horizon, approaching very rapidly, then when about a mile or so away I realized that they were flying directly at me. They followed each other perhaps a half mile apart, the sudden noise from the first one, particularly if I was driving or looking the other way, it was enough to frighten anyone, then I knew to expect the next, and the third one. They were like nothing I had ever seen before, being a very distinctive shape and outline, it had twin fins one at each end of the rear wing, and two engines saddle bag fashion half way along the fuselage. Each day around mid morning three of these aircraft came over at high speed at around a thousand feet, banking and turning so as not to fly directly over outlying villages or towns. It was the time of the Gulf War, and some American war planes were on training exercise in the UK before being sent on duty giving air cover the troops out in the Gulf. Ī few years ago, while ploughing in one of our furthest field, I had an encounter with a United States A10 Tank Buster, or should I say three of them. and thank you James and show this your mates, it may make them laugh out loud at my bit of a fright. It makes my blog pale into insignificance, however here goes. His story and pictures, needed no words, and only now it has brought home to us how much we appreciate the difficult and dangerous work they do. I was telling him about this encounter I had with these three A10 tank Busters and he was showing us a photo album of the work they were doing out in Afghanistan, showing all too graphical the dangers they faced every day out there on duty. he had recently finished a tour of duty in Afghanistan, and now just returned to his base in Germany 10.06.12 after some weeks of leave back home. So, just recently I was privileged to meet a young man James P. I had never ever met a soldier currently serving the British Army, we live and farm out in the countryside and the only soldiers we ever see are the ones on parade such as during the recent Jubilee celebrations on TV. I had an encounter with an A10 Tank BusterĪs you will see, here I am mixing farming with the military US air force.

[empty-movement]

We sure as hell wouldn’t have the kind of shows we do now if Revolutionary Girl Utena didn’t exist. Even back in the 90’s, it was revolutionizing the face of animation-- and now it’s come around in a ton of influential western animation that references it. My Little Pony did it, Steven Universe drew heavily from its themes, She-Ra pulled on the queer and relationship elements, Owl House referenced it, there are others I don’t even know about, and what about that highly suspicious hands scene DuckTales did in “Nightmare on Killmotor Hill?” At this point, it’s basically the hidden Godmother of modern western animation. And every time something new gives it a shoutout, a ton of people ask, “Should I watch Utena?”

Now, that’s a pretty fraught question, because when I said Utena was the Godmother of these shows, I didn’t mean the fairy type with the dreams being fulfilled and all-- I meant the “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse” type with a gun in hand and a lot of pain to inflict. It’s hard enough to boil Utena down to the basics as it is, let alone avoiding spoilers and trying to make sure triggers are respected. It takes forever, it’s hard to do, it’s really easy to miss things, and it ends up confusing people more often than not. So, here’s my shot at an answer-- it is not a list of triggers, there are a couple purposely vague spoilers, but nothing that you won’t figure out from watching the first episode. I’m not going to concern myself about specific plot points or items. Instead, I’m gonna explain just enough for people to get the idea and judge for themselves.

Utena starts as your typical school drama/enemy of the week series, plunges into a navel-gazing deconstruction of its own pieces, then further beckons you on to deconstruct your pieces. The core of it is about gender roles, abuse, and the harm the systems around us inflict on us. The first scene starts out with a fairytale-- once upon a time, a girl was sad and a Prince gave her a ring and told her someday the ring would lead her to him. Then she decided SHE would become a Prince. But, the show literally asks the viewer, was that really such a good idea?

Then it illustrates and tears that fairytale apart. Our main character, Utena, sees a girl named Anthy being abused and traded around by sword duels, and attempts to win the duels to protect Anthy; she loses Anthy at some point, then regains her, as you would expect. You would think the story ends there and she would be rewarded for that-- buuuuuuut you’re nowhere near the end of the series yet. And that's where I have to stop summarizing, because the longer it goes on the stranger and darker it gets.

Utena is weird, guys. It’s a classic, and for some really fucking good reasons, but there are a lot of psychedelic visuals, references to literature, psychological breakdowns, references to its own damn self, and just… it’s just so much. I’m not gonna lie, it can be offputting, because you never get what you expect. It’s shoujo as hell, but backwards and run through a shredder. It’s magical girl anime, but only if by “magical” you mean “traumatized.” It’s yuri-- yes there are queer relationships-- but it's actually a story about abuse and how hard it is to build an honest relationship in the midst of abuse. I’m not saying it’s not yuri, but I am saying that holy shit it’s NOT the soft, fluffy, lesbian love you imagine when you think of the yuri genre. Anyone who just says “It’s yuri, watch it!” and won’t explain anything else is, like, probably out to get you or something-- especially if they mean the other kind of yuri. It is, absolutely, not porn.

On top of all that, it's longer than modern anime (39 whole episodes!), it seems at first to be just a “rah-rah girls can be awesome too” kinda show, and then later on it depicts trauma in ways that can be very hard to watch and that you might not expect. Are you up for extremely relatable or totally unflinching or uniquely painful scenes of abusive interactions, both sexual and nonsexual? Are you okay with explicitly depicted abuse, are you able to take care of yourself if you get triggered, and are you still gonna want to watch after seeing something that really hurts? If you are, Utena might be for you. Are you okay with surreal bullshitting and trippy imagery? Do you like that feeling of your brain melting because you’re not sure what’s real? If you do, you’re gonna like Utena.

And how about the core themes? Do you care about abuse and systemic harm, are you interested in gender at all? You don’t have to be, but if those things don’t bore you or actively put you off, you’ll get some good brain food out of Utena.

And if you aren’t up for any of that-- no worries, okay? You take care of yourself, watch the things you enjoy, tackle the ideas you’re interested in. It’s not a judgment; this is not a good show for everyone to watch. I see it all the time, where people don’t enjoy the show and get nothing out of it, and that’s why I’m writing this. For the wrong person, this show is just boring surreal bullshit with bad things happening to people for no reason, and I want to prevent that.

But for the right person, this show can be life-changing-- more than half of the people I speak to about Utena say “my life is so different because I watched it” and they really mean it. Hell, I left an abusive relationship and married my wife because of this show-- we run Empty Movement, the biggest and oldest Utena site there is, and our community is full of amazing people with equally amazing stories.

So, should you watch Utena? I mean, yeah, I’d love it if you did, but I’m mega biased cause I wanna talk about it! Utena seems to attract that type-- once we sink our proverbial teeth in, we just keep chewing on those ideas until they revolutionize our lives. Or until we have to start shitposting in self-defense. Maybe that’s why we’ve lasted so long as a community. Maybe Utena would make you think about the things it said, maybe you would enjoy it, maybe you’d like the characters and wanna mercilessly drag on them. That’s all there in the community, and I’m so glad it is. 

Let me lay it on the line for you: if you think you can handle the abusive scenes, if you’re interested in the themes, if you like Dali and Frida Kahlo and think symbolism is cool, this might just be your jam. If you’re queer, questioning, or on a gender/sexuality journey, this has a lot of food for you. Same if you’re a feminist, or if you’re looking at the structures of power in the world and wondering how they work-- Utena’s got your back on that. And if you’re dealing with some shit-- and feel up to exploring it, painfully, I cannot stress that enough-- or you’re just interested in how people work, you might wanna take a look at this. Over the last couple decades in this fandom, I’ve noticed that the three biggest indicators of whether someone will enjoy Utena are whether you’re curious about how people work, whether you like metaphorical and symbolic art, and whether you can empathize with trauma without being too overloaded by it. You don’t need all three, but you need at least one to have a chance at a good time.

You have to decide, though, because only you know if this is your kind of deal.

If you can’t refuse the offer this Godmother has for you, come and join the Revolutionary Girl Utena mafia family. Nozomi has been generous enough to put it all up on Youtube, so if you’re American, you can give it a shot right now– and if you have Crunchyroll, you’re in luck, because it’s there as well! For the rest of you, I trust you’ll go through the appropriate channels to support the work :)

~Yasha<3