#but ok the thing is my job means i work in many different places

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not wanting to hang out with my boyfriend’s best friend?

My [33F] boyfriend’s [30M] (we’ll call him R) best friend (30s M) (call him D) is chronically late but also never communicates anything. I have ADHD and like I get it. I have all the patience in the world for people who are late if they communicate they will be late. But D will never communicate anything, ever.

R and D have a standing game night on Fridays where they go for dinner and play board games. D “normally” comes between 4-5pm. He picks up his kids from school at 3:30, drops them home with his partner and then drives over. It is a 30 minute drive. But in the past, both on regular Friday meetings, and for other meetups, he has been significantly late (3 hours, once!) without saying a word all day.

R wants me to join them on Friday evenings. I don’t have a traditional ‘job’ but I am a crafter with many things to do and also, as mentioned, I have ADHD. Part of that means I really need a specific time to go and do something otherwise I will just be stuck in like “wait mode” all day unable to do anything because I don’t know when I need to stop doing it. The first time I went out with R & D I did lose the whole day (no work done) because we could get no actual information from D on when he was coming, and he ended up not arriving until after 5pm.

I told D I didn’t appreciate not being able to properly plan my day, and that providing a heads up about these things is generally considered polite. I also made it clear afterwards to R that if D continued to not communicate anything and just “turn up whenever, at some point after 4, maybe” then I would not be joining them on board game nights. 

Today I once again only had “4-5ish, I guess” but by 4:30 not only was D not here but R had heard nothing from him, and suspected he had not even left. I told R I was not coming, I had already mostly lost the day - having stopped work several hours before - but I would at least be reclaiming the evening.

At 5:15 R called me to say that D had been arranging to have his partner come, and had been sorting out childcare (in the form of D’s mum). He at no point earlier in the day had said anything about this to R. In fact they hadn’t spoken at all. D then told R they would be leaving at around 5:45, so wouldn’t be here until at least 6:15.

I reiterated that I would not be coming. It was a boundary I set before and was very clear about, and was now enforcing it. D could have said much earlier that he was planning on inviting his partner, would have to arrange childcare, and would likely be later than usual. He chose not to do that, so I am choosing to not go.

R then got upset with me and said he would not be coming over to spend the night at my place the following evening (we have a normal routine on who stays where which days, and he knows unexpectedly changing that without any discussion at all will also mess with my ability to do things. The routine is important to me) because I was being unfair. 

I told him, again, it’s a firm boundary for me. People who won’t communicate anything at all when you have plans (even loose ones) aren’t respecting other people’s time. Even if that’s not the intention it’s still just… rude to the other person. Other people still have lives when you’re not there, and expecting everyone else to just be ready for “whenever” you feel like showing up without a word is not ok. Again, if it happens only once in a while because Shit Happens that’s different. But if it’s every time, with everyone, forever, then really you’re just a bit inconsiderate.

R says he doesn’t feel that way because he doesn’t have anything going on so it doesn’t bother him, so he isn’t upset with D (even though I have things on, so it does impact and bother me, his partner) but he is upset with me because I am “making him feel bad”. D’s complete lack of communication and lateness is not the problem, the fact I am annoyed about it and choosing to stay home is the problem. I said it is not fair to blame me for this turn of events when (unlike D) I was VERY clear beforehand that I wouldn’t be going if this happened, and that if nothing else he should still be at least a little annoyed with D for not respecting my time after I’d already spoken to him about it.

Instead of actually sitting D down and properly telling him “look I don’t have things to do but L does and it does bother her when you don’t communicate anything so it is messing with her work when you do this and that is not ok”, R then said he just won’t invite me to anything ever again. So I can’t be upset if he’s late.

AITA for refusing to go to board game night?

What are these acronyms?

[thebearer]

hi e! back again with more carmy shit because i love the way you did my little blurb justice 🥰. i literally just envisioned sydney minding her own business and just recklessly placing carmy in the hot seat cause she knew his ass was gon get it 😂. i’m all in for more dom!carmy so i’d love to keep the idea going that his s/o works for/with/alongside him at the bear with a touch of her giving him her two cents? a little bit of sass to just remind who he’s dealing with 😩. maybe this time around he slipped up on something major (a birthday, anniversary, or something that overall was important to the reader and he put it off because in his mind the bear comes first). she’s been slowly driving him crazy with that silent treatment she’s been doing for the last few days and her less than a few syllabled words when he doesn’t remind her how irked he made her 😂; she’s not mad anymore just disappointed. and anyway basically in a prep for preordered to go’s on lunch rush he’s reading back orders to her and she completely writes him off. i can see him being like exactly how he when he’s not getting when he needs from his staff during a frenzy and flipping tf out. like you know when he repeats himself a second time as if you didn’t hear him the first he means it 😂. tysm in advance! please feel free to do whatever you’d like. i’m writing this at 6 in the morning so many ideas are coming into the fold. i hope you have a great day - 🥣.

ok i did sorta a different-ish take. same idea but i don't write the reader as a chef bc quite honestly i can't relate lmao i'm a horrendous cook lol. but silent treatment yes!! reader works at the bear but not a chef.

"Does anyone know where the extra napkins are? Mindy needs to be settin' tables." Carmen huffed, slamming the empty crate back in the back stock.

"That would be your missus' domain." Richie snickers, elbowing Fak lightly. "Guess you better go ask her, Cousin."

"Yeah? Fuck off. Thought it was your fuckin' job." Carmen grumbled, running a hand through his hair.

"Me? Fuck no, Cousin. You know who's job it is, c'mon." Richie grinned. "It's your wife, Carm. What? Scared to talk to your wife?"

Carmen sneered, huffing in annoyance, but the truth was... yes, he was a little scared. Especially with how furious you were at him. Carmen was a chronic over worker, barely taking time for himself. It was a constant fight between the two of you, one he'd gotten better at, but still struggled finding that balance. Which normally, you'd be more forgiving about.

Except it was your anniversary.

Carmen left you waiting at home, dressed up with a new lingerie set that he painfully didn't get to enjoy. By the time he got off, taking his time to clean the kitchen, prep for tomorrow's crowd, he looked at his phone and saw your texts and calls, his heart dropping.

You'd been giving him the cold shoulder since then, furious and hurt- or so he assumed, you wouldn't say anything.

Richie found the entire thing hilarious when Carmen told him. "You forgot your fuckin' anniversary? You jagoff, holy shit."

Carmen found it less than amusing. The tension in the restaurant was thick because of the two of you. Everyone teetering around you, but especially Carmen, he was more on edge now.

Pushing the door open to the office, Carmen ducked his head in, seeing you at his desk- your desk, technically, you used it more. "Hey, honey," Carmen's voice was soft, a sweet hum that had your spine straightening. He flinched lightly, stepping towards you. "D'you know where the extra napkins are?"

You didn't reply, simply typing on your laptop, editing a video for the social media page about the upcoming summer specials.

Carmen blinked, barking out your name in a much harsher than he meant to, but it seemed to work. Kinda. Your head whipped around, eyes in a burning glare when they met his, but your lips were still pressed together.

Carmen through his hands out in exasperation. "Are you bein' fuckin' serious with me?"

Richie made his way towards the table where Tina was doing prep, craning his neck to watch. Your lips twisted, glaring harshly at Carmen. Carmen huffed, a hand running over his forehead. "What do you want from me, huh? What? You're just never gonna speak to me again? I forgot, ok? I didn't mean to, I just fuckin' forgot! I was at work!"

You glared at him, feeling Richie's amused gaze from over Carmen's shoulder, the rest of the staff pretending to be busy to hear. "Shut the door." You snapped.

Carmen flinched, shocked. "What-"

"Shut the fuckin' door, now." You snapped, slamming your laptop, turning to face him. Carmen pressed the door shut, ignoring Richie's whines of "c'mon, Cousin, it was just gettin' good!".

The two of you stared, neither being the first to talk, not wanting to break. You huffed, rolling your eyes in annoyance. "You wanted to talk, talk, Carmen. I've got shit to do."

"Hey," Carmen's eyes flashed at you, his tone hard with an edge of warning. "You better watch your-"

"-No, you better watch your mouth with me. Watch what you say to me, Berzatto." You snapped, pointing a finger at him. "This isn't a fuckin' game, alright? I'm mad at you. Actually fuckin' mad at you."

Carmen's stomach turned, swallowing the guilt rising with the bile in his throat. "I... I'm sorry-"

"-Sorry isn't going to work this time, Carmen. It's always sorry. Always I didn't fuckin' mean to, I got busy." You snapped, arms wrapping over your torso. "You always do this, but our anniversary? You forgot our anniversary?"

"No, I didn't forget." Carmen ran a hand down his face. "I got you flowers and-and the bracelet-"

"-And that was very nice, Carmen, but you weren't there." You snapped, the finality in his tone making his rebuttal dissolve in his mouth. The hurt in your eyes, rounding and pitiful, soft and pleading with him. You were angry, but you were hurt, too.

His shoulders deflated, breath leaving his lungs. "You're right," Carmen nodded slowly. "No, you're-you're right, and-and-and I'm... Fuck, I'm so sorry, baby." Carmen said sincerely, eyes shining with sincerity. "I... I got caught up and I-I shouldn't have even been working that day, I just..."

"I know." You muttered, looking down at the desk, a framed picture of the two of you in Copenhagen at your wedding ceremony. Carmen in his suit, you in your dress, happy and smiling with the breathtaking scenery behind you.

Carmen could feel the guilt growing in his chest, palms sweating and heart racing, the panic to fix it- to do something. "How much longer do you have?" Carmen asked, nodding towards your laptop.

"Just a few more things to edit." You looked at your paused work. "Why?"

"Let me... Let me make it right." Carmen sighed, shaking hands fumbling towards his apron.

"Carmen, you can't leave-"

"-Yeah, yeah, I can." Carmen nodded, pulling the door out and calling for Sydney. "Can you cover tonight, Chef?"

"Uh, yeah, yeah, I can." Sydney nodded.

"I got it too, Cousin-" Carmen shut the door before he could hear Richie's full comment, sure something smart ass would be included.

"Let's go out." Carmen looked at you. "A make up. Please?"

You folded your arms, pouting lightly. "'m not dressed for going out."

"What're you talkin' about? You look beautiful, c'mon." Carmen shook his head lightly at you, shoving his clothes into his bag, pulling out his spare.

You tried not to drool at the sight of his chest. You'd missed him, you really had. It was a shame the lingerie went to waste.

Carmen pulled you out of the restaurant, hand on your waist, holding you close to his side. It wasn't the fancy reservations you'd planned, no Michelin star restaurants with expensive wine. No, instead, he took you to some a rooftop restaurant, one with the vibey aesthetic you always cooed at on Instagram. Sitting and sharing pretzels and greasy food, snuggled into Carmen's side while he ordered dessert. Giggling when he fed you the brownie sundae, tilting your head back with his fingers cradling your jaw lightly. It was simple, romantic, and fun. Made your heart swell, clinging to him the whole way home.

And when you got home? Carmen was in heaven. Letting you show him what he missed a few days earlier.

[solar-sunnyside-up]

hey! sorry to bother you, but is there anything a teen without transportation in a rural area can do on their own? im pretty isolated, and theres barely anything around me.

Hey ya sprout 🌱

**A disclaimer Punk comes with some risk socially. Particularly if your in a rural area this risk goes up bc people Know You and also typically these spaces have a different vibe to alt ppl in general. Some activities are more or less risky and I'll try and do my best to give you a range of stuff from the whole spectrum! Of course this is a generalization of rural areas. Some palaces will be more cool then others depending in so many factors I couldn't go into here**

Rural solarpunk

Your gunna been to pick a topic, sorry babe. In order to not burn yourself out and in order to feel like you have an impact your gunna have to pick a cause to chip away at but I'll give you ideas! And remember just bc your focusing on one thing doesn't mean your ignoring or not helping others. Everything is interconnected and any help, helps all!

So let's give you some ideas to focus on:

Libraries- as a teen in particular you'll have access to a library at school, but depending on how big your town is you might have a public one as well. Become their biggest supporter! They are a great safe space, even conservative ones are still a good place to go for archiving/loitering purposes. They give you spaces to print stuff, to build clubs and community.

Archiving- if you cannot leave your house due to access you can always do stuff online and hear me out, i know when we do stuff online it feels like half points. Like we arent doing anything. I feel that with this blog, it feels so passive no matter how hard you work youll feel lesser. But Archiving is vital to humans! Think of the anthropologists wholl thank you down the road! Plus it does actually give you a way to have a physical representative of work your doing. Dvds, pirating media and archiving them to drives, collecting vinyls/tapes/cds!

DIY- To fight against fast fashion (although that barely exists in the towns I've been in tbh) and to stick out** you could make your own patches, battlejackets, gloves, etc.. They are statement pieces you can wear whenever your in town/at school/social spaces that ppl know what you stand for and who you are. Depending on who/where you are this might be risky so take what you can bare ok? You don't have to wear these items too you can just make them for later on!

Little libraries/little pantries- in a rural space you have more Gruella tactics you can take if you do them in random abandoned spaces. You could build a waterproof little pantry and stock it and leave info somewhere about it for ppl to drop off/pick up items. Stock it with mittens! With canned goods! With books! You might be able to do a space like this at school/library depending in how cool your town is too!

Zines- You could look into making a zine and even if it's digital you could have the QR code for download in places (stickers on lamp posts, flyers in school bathrooms, hidden in a churches pamphlet stacks >.>) making a zine is a cool task that is time consuming and informative and fun!

Vandalism- like I said you can often print off stuff at Libraries, or usually you can find a place to print stuff off near or at post offices depending on how modern your rural space is. if you have your own printer this will reduce your risk by quite a bit though! Create/find stickers or posters you want to toss across town or even school. I'd recommend starting off with some stickers and see how their handled, dipping your toes is important with these kinda things. If your really feeling it, and you know some abandoned places Moss Graffiti is also a good option! I've know ppl who have converted old abandoned stored to skate parks (I honestly have no idea how they built the ramps out of concrete but damn!! Good job guys!)

Also I'll leave you with 2 book recommendations as well-

Moxie - a RIOT GRRRL story about a girl who gets so fed up with her conservative town she makes a feminist zine and distributes it via girl bathrooms (even having a basically me too stickers and encouraging ppl to put it on boys lockers who have assaulted them). I know there's a movie, didn't seem to capture the same vibe tho so book!

Braiding Sweetgrass - this focuses a lot on reconnecting and adding story to nature around us and having science along side spirituality

[hookhausenschips]

Tangled In My Soul {JB22}

500 Follower Special!!!

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Summary: Y/N struggled with feelings of loneliness and public scrutiny while waiting for Jenson, but during their drive home, he reassured her of his love and commitment. They spent the evening reconnecting emotionally and physically, finding solace and happiness in each other's presence.

Taglist

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Y/N was sitting in the car park outside of the Sky Studios where Jenson had been working all week when he got out of the building and walked towards the car. He had been gone since Monday morning and they hadn't really spoken much over the weekend, it had been hectic with him traveling up north to see his family and then having to go back down south for work again.

She could feel herself getting more and more angry every day that went past, especially since she knew he would be talking about her on the television. She didn't like hearing other people talk about her behind closed doors let alone millions of people watching her live. She knew it was something he couldn't avoid but it still hurt.

She tried not to take it personally but sometimes it was hard, she wasn't used to this kind of attention. She wasn't even sure if she wanted this kind of attention.

Jenson sat next to her and kissed her cheek before opening the door for her. They both climbed into the car and buckled up before starting their drive home. It was always so quiet during these drives.

“How did it go today?” Y/N asked breaking the silence between them.

“Fine, just another day at the office.” Jenson replied looking over at her. “How have you been?”

“I've been fine thanks. I’ve missed you.” Y/N said giving him a smile and leaning over to kiss his lips softly. He smiled back and placed his hand on top of hers.

They carried on driving in silence for a few minutes until Jenson spoke again. “I know it’s been hard this week and I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long, we don’t get many chances to spend time together anymore.” He looked over at her again. “And I know it’s difficult to hear everyone talking about you all the time, it must be hard.”

“It’s okay Jens, you can't help it. It’s your job after all. But I do miss spending time with you.” Y/N gave him a little smile.

“I know you do. We should go somewhere nice soon, get away from everything and relax. Maybe we could even try and make some memories.” Jenson smiled back at her and turned his head to look ahead onto the road.

Y/N nodded but didn’t say anything else, she could feel her eyes starting to fill with tears. She didn’t want to cry in front of Jenson but she also felt like she needed to let it out, she was just so upset.

“Hey what’s wrong? Are you ok?” Jenson reached across the seat and placed his hand on her thigh, rubbing it gently.

Y/N sniffed trying to fight back the tears. “I-it’s nothing I’m just a bit sad that’s all.” Her voice cracked as she spoke.

“Don’t cry please, it’ll only make things worse. You can tell me what’s going on, I won’t judge you.” Jenson squeezed her thigh slightly, trying to reassure her.

Y/N wiped the tears away from her face and took a deep breath, trying to calm herself down. “I’m just tired of people making fun of me all the time, saying things about us because of our age difference and that I'm only here because of who you are. It hurts me, it hurts me so much. I love you and I know you love me too but I just wish people would stop hurting me like this.”

Jenson pulled over to the side of the road and put his hand around her waist, pulling her closer to him. “Listen to me Y/N, I need you to listen to me very carefully.”

“Yes, yes.” Y/N sniffed again and wiped the last remaining tears away.

“I love you more than anything else in this world, you mean everything to me. I would do anything for you. And I know what it feels like to have people say bad things about you all the time, I know how it makes you feel. So trust me when I say that those people don't matter, they are nothing compared to what we have.” Jenson stroked her hair and ran his thumb along the back of her neck. “I know it’s hard but you can't let them get to you, you have to ignore them or else they will win.”

Y/N nodded slowly, taking in everything he said. “But I just want people to like me, I want them to accept me and understand why we are together.”

“That’s not going to happen anytime soon Y/N, no matter what happens or what you do people will always find something to say about us. Even if we were perfect they would still find something.” Jenson kissed the top of her head and rested his chin on top of it. “So please stop worrying about what other people think about us, focus on what matters most; us.”

“But I'm scared of losing you Jens, I don’t want you to leave me.” Y/N buried her face into his chest and wrapped her arms around him.

“Oh darling, you will never lose me. You are the most important thing in my life right now and I wouldn’t ever dream of leaving you, you mean too much to me for that.” Jenson rubbed her back soothingly. “I promise I will never leave you, you are stuck with me forever.” He laughed lightly and kissed her forehead.

Y/N lifted her head off his chest and smiled at him, “I love you Jens.”

“I love you too, my angel.” He smiled back at her and leaned forward to kiss her lips. Their lips moved against each other softly and lovingly as they enjoyed the moment. After a while they broke apart and Jenson started the engine again.

 “We should probably get going, we don’t want to be late for dinner tonight.”

“Yeah, I’m hungry.” Y/N grinned and snuggled up close to him as he started driving again.

They drove back home in silence but it wasn’t awkward this time. There was no tension between them, just pure happiness and contentment.

* * *

When they arrived back at their house they went straight through to the kitchen and started cooking dinner together. Jenson was making spaghetti bolognese while Y/N was making garlic bread. It was one of their favorite meals to cook together, they both loved Italian food and it was easy enough for either of them to make.

They chatted happily as they cooked, sharing stories about their days and laughing together. They both enjoyed spending time together like this, it was rare for them both to have free time at the same time so when they did they made the most of it.

After finishing their meal they cleaned up the dishes and then headed upstairs to their bedroom. They changed into their pajamas and climbed into bed together under the covers. They lay facing each other on opposite sides of the mattress and held hands tightly as they watched TV.

Jenson turns and looks at Y/N, his eyes memorizing every detail about the woman who has held him captivated in every waking moment since they met. Y/N looks up and blushes at the attention. "What are you staring at?" she whispered. 

Jenson smiles and reaches over to run his fingers through her hair. "My beautiful girl," he murmurs. "I am simply admiring my favorite view."

Y/N blushes deeper and leans into his touch. "Are you going to stare at me all night?" she teases.

Jenson laughs and shakes his head. "No, my dear," he replies. "There is something else I intend to do instead."

Y/N arches an eyebrow at him. "Oh yeah? What might that be?"

Jenson grins mischievously and sits up. He moves over to sit beside her and begins to undress her. "Well," he says, "I want to show you exactly how much you mean to me."

Y/N watches as he removes her clothes, leaving her in nothing but her panties and bra. He runs his hands over her body, caressing her skin and causing goosebumps to rise on her skin. She shivers with pleasure. "You're so beautiful," he whispers.

Y/N smiles and leans into his touch. "Thank you," she breathes. "You're not so bad yourself."

Jenson laughs and pulls her close, pressing his lips against hers in a passionate kiss. His tongue dances with hers, exploring every inch of her mouth. Y/N moans into his mouth, her body responding to his touch.

Jenson breaks the kiss and looks down at her, smiling. "You're absolutely stunning," he murmurs. "And I'm going to treat you like the queen that you are."

Y/N blushes and looks down, feeling shy. "Thank you," she whispers.

Jenson kisses her forehead before he began his descent below, kneeling between Y/N's spread legs. He leans down and presses his lips against her clit, flicking it with his tongue. Y/N gasps and arches her back, pushing her hips up against his mouth.

Jenson chuckles and continues licking her, using his hands to massage her breasts. Y/N moans louder, her breathing becoming ragged. "Oh god," she pants. "Jensen... fuck!"

Jenson starts sucking harder on her clit and massaging her breasts more forcefully. Y/N cries out and wraps her legs around his head, holding him against her. "I'm gonna cum," she gasps. "Oh god, I'm gonna cum!"

Jensen continues pleasuring her, his tongue working furiously as he brings her to orgasm. Y/N screams as she cums, her juices flowing freely onto his tongue.

He climbs back onto the bed and straddles Y/N, pressing his cock against her entrance. "Ready?" he asks.

Y/N nods and spreads her legs wider, inviting him inside her. Jenson pushes himself into her wet heat, groaning as he fills her completely. "Darling I don't think I'll ever get over this feeling."

Y/N gasps and wraps her arms around him, burying her face in his shoulder. "Mmm," she moans. "That feels so good."

Jenson smiles, "Yeah?' as he slowly drags his cock in and out of her tight pussy. "You're so fucking beautiful," he grunts. "You feel amazing."

He wanted to take her apart slowly. 

He wanted her to be able to remember this night forever.

He wanted to make sure that she remembered that she was his. That she belonged to him, and only him.

Tonight was about making love. Not fucking.

Jenson pushed himself in and out of Y/N's wetness, moving faster as she began to moan and writhe beneath him. He leaned down and captured her lips in a searing kiss, his tongue dancing with hers as he continued thrusting into her.

"Fuck," she gasped. "You feel so good."

Jenson smiled against her lips, "Good?" He asked, before kissing her again. "I thought you were going to say something better than that."

"You're being ridiculous." Y/N pouted.

"Am I?" Jenson raised an eyebrow. "Do you want me to prove it?" He asked, smirking.

"Prove it? Prove what?" Y/N frowned.

Jensen laughed, "That you're not the only one who can give you orgasms." He leaned down and sucked on her nipple, his hands gripping her hips as he continued pumping into her.

Y/N cried out, her head falling back against the pillow. "Oh god, Jens..."

"Shh," Jenson soothed, kissing her throat as he thrust harder. "Just enjoy it baby."

Y/N moaned and threw her head back, arching her back as she welcomed him inside her. "Harder!" She cried. "Please!"

Jenson complied, pounding into her with renewed vigor. He could feel her walls clenching around his cock, squeezing him tightly. "That's it, baby..." He growled. "Take it all!"

He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers, kissing her deeply. Y/N moaned into his mouth as he began thrusting into her harder and faster. He gripped her hips tightly and pounded into her relentlessly, his balls slapping against her ass.

Y/N cried out as the pressure built inside her, her walls contracting around his shaft. She came hard, screaming his name as her juices flowed out onto his cock. Jenson groaned and continued thrusting into her, drawing out her orgasm. Jenson slowed his pace, allowing her to recover before finally pulling out of her.

Finally, he released her hips and collapsed onto the bed, panting heavily. Y/N lay beside him, trembling and covered in sweat. He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly as they recovered from their intense session.

"Wow," Y/N said, finally able to speak again. "That was incredible."

Jensen chuckled and kissed her forehead. "I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, "but we're not done yet." He rolled over and pinned her to the bed, looking down at her hungrily.

"What do you mean?" Y/N asked, surprised.

Jensen grinned, "I mean that I'm not finished with you yet. I plan on showing you all night just how much I love you." He lowered his head and kissed her collarbone, then trailed his tongue down her stomach. He paused to nip at her navel before continuing further down.

Y/N gasped as his mouth found its way to her core. His tongue flicked over her clit, sending delicious waves of pleasure through her body. She arched her back, pushing herself against his mouth.

Jensen chuckled against her skin and continued eating her out, alternating between licking and sucking her clit. He slid a finger inside her, pumping it in and out slowly as he worked on bringing her to climax.

Y/N moaned and writhed beneath him, her hands gripping the sheets tightly. "Oh god..." She whimpered. "Don't stop... please don't stop!"

Jensen chuckled again, "As if I would ever stop," he murmured against her skin. He added another finger, scissoring them inside her as he licked her clit faster and harder.

Y/N screamed as she came, her walls contracting tightly around his fingers. Jenson groaned and continued pleasuring her, drawing out her orgasm as he brought her to climax once again.

Finally, he removed his fingers and crawled up her body, positioning himself above her. "Now," he said, "let's finish what we started earlier." He leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss.

Y/N moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. Jenson smiled against her lips and began thrusting into her again.

"My darling, you will never be unloved by me. You are too well tangled with my soul." Jenson said as he slowly thrusted in and out  of Y/N, looking down at her with adoration. "You are my sunflower."

Y/N smiled at him, "And you are mine," she murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss.

Jensen smiled against her lips, "Of course I am," he murmured, "I'll always be yours."

They kissed passionately for several minutes before breaking apart to catch their breath. Y/N smiled up at him, "I love you so much, Jens."

Jenson smiled back at her, "And I love you more than anything, my darling." He leaned down and kissed her again, slower this time.

Y/N sighed contentedly, "That was amazing." She murmured, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her head on his shoulder.

Jenson chuckled, "I'm glad you enjoyed it," he said, "but we're not done yet." He leaned down and captured her lips in a passionate kiss.

Y/N moaned into his mouth, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. Jenson smiled against her lips and began thrusting into her again, picking up where they left off.

They fucked for hours, pausing only to catch their breath before resuming their passionate lovemaking. Finally, they collapsed onto the bed, exhausted but satisfied. Jenson wrapped his arms around Y/N and held her close, kissing her forehead tenderly.

"I love you," he whispered. "More than anything in the world."

Y/N smiled up at him, "And I love you too," she murmured, "more than words can express."

Jenson smiled back at her, "Goodnight, my darling." He whispered. "Sleep tight."

Y/N yawned sleepily and snuggled up against him, wrapping her arms around his waist and resting her head on his chest. "Goodnight," she murmured. "Sweet dreams."

Jenson chuckled and kissed her forehead, "Sweet dreams indeed," he whispered. He closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, dreaming of their perfect future together.

* * *

Bonus; Y/N woke up the next morning to the sound of birds chirping outside her window. She stretched languidly, enjoying the warmth of the sunlight streaming in through the windows.

She glanced over at Jenson, who was still asleep beside her. She smiled and leaned over to kiss him gently on the cheek.

Jenson stirred and opened his eyes, smiling at her. "Good morning," he said sleepily.

Y/N snuggled closer to him, savoring the peaceful moment. "Good morning," she whispered back. "Did you sleep well?"

Jenson nodded, wrapping his arm around her. "Yeah, I did. How about you?"

"Perfectly," she replied, resting her head on his chest. "I love waking up next to you."

He kissed the top of her head. "Me too."

The two of them lay there for a few more minutes, enjoying the tranquility before the day fully began. Eventually, Y/N sighed and sat up, looking down at Jenson with a playful grin. "What do you want for breakfast?"

Jenson chuckled. "Surprise me."

Y/N got out of bed and padded to the kitchen, her mind buzzing with possibilities. She decided to make pancakes, knowing they were one of Jenson's favorites. As she whisked the batter, she hummed softly, feeling a sense of contentment she hadn't felt in a long time.

Jenson joined her a little while later, wrapping his arms around her from behind. "Smells amazing," he murmured into her ear.

She turned her head to kiss him on the cheek. "Almost ready. Can you set the table?"

"Of course," he replied, grabbing the plates and cutlery.

They worked together seamlessly, the kitchen filled with the sounds of laughter and the clinking of dishes. As they sat down to eat, Y/N felt a surge of happiness, grateful for the simple yet perfect moments like these.

After breakfast, they decided to take a walk in the park. The fresh air and the vibrant colors of spring invigorated them. They held hands, talking about everything and nothing, enjoying each other's company.

When they returned home, Jenson pulled Y/N close and looked into her eyes. "I don't know what the future holds," he said softly, "but as long as we're together, I know it'll be amazing."

Y/N's heart swelled with love. "I feel the same way," she said, kissing him deeply. "Here's to many more mornings like this."

==================================

JB22 Taglist: @tallrock35, @yourbane, @lightdragonrayne, @evie-119, @asparklysoul, @miarabanana

F1 Taglist: @hiireadstuff, @really-fucking-tired, @donteventry-itdude, @spookystitchery

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 27

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo X OFC

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Warnings: Discussions about intimate partner violence, suicidal ideation, mental health struggles, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse.

Chapter Quote: "I got to snuggle some baby goats."

It took everything in me to hold back the sob that threatened to escape the instant I heard Dieter’s voice. I momentarily placed my hand over my mouth to hold it in and compose myself. I let out a shaky breath as I tried to find my voice. 

“Dieter?” 

I could hear his stuttered breathing on the other end of the line. He sounded like he was battling with his emotions too. 

He cleared his throat, “Yeah… it’s me.”

I sighed loudly into the phone as the tears started to slide down my face. I felt like my brain had completely shut down on me, unsure of what to say but also feeling the urge to say everything all at once. It was so overwhelming but also awkward since we had not talked in so long. There were still so many things up in the air between us. 

“How’ve you been?” He asked, sounding unsure of himself. I felt like he didn’t know what to say either. 

I sniffed loudly as I wiped at my face, “Umm, I’ve been ok. How are you feeling?” 

“I’m feeling good. Normal, I think…then again…I’m not sure I really know what normal is,” we both laughed nervously.

“I’m feeling better than I have in a long time. I can confidently say that at least,” he added. 

I smiled. It was nice to know that he was feeling better. It helped dampen some of the worry I had been feeling. 

“How are things going, otherwise?”

“Well, I got to snuggle some baby goats during group therapy this morning. I kinda want one now.”  He sounded unabashed about this revelation. 

“Of course you do,” I said in response, shaking my head and chuckling at the thought. 

“I gotta new roommate two weeks ago…Gordon is his name. He’s an interesting guy…he uhhh…” he stifled a laugh before continuing. “He said he came here because the wall outlets were talking to him. Like, full conversations. They finally stopped after he got his meds sorted out. Made me feel a little better about my issues.”

I was a little dumbfounded, “Ummm, I’m not sure if I should laugh about that or not…” Dieter snickered, “He jokes about it now, so I think it’s ok.” 

It felt good to hear him laughing again. I had missed that sound more than I realized. I really missed his voice in general. He sounded different. Better, lighter almost. It was a sound I wanted to commit to memory. 

“Umm…so Gabby said you didn’t take that job offer?” His nervousness had returned with that question. 

“No, I turned it down.” I started rubbing at my shoulder with my free hand as I moved to sit down at the kitchen table. 

“Why? It sounded like an amazing opportunity”

I sighed, now rubbing at the crease between my brows, “It was, but it’s not where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I would’ve had to give up too much and I don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace to do that.”

“I hope it wasn’t because of me…”

“No. I mean, I guess I can’t say no. You’re part of it…but my life is here. I can’t leave Lauren or even Gabby and Alex at this point. We’ve all gotten so close. And like I said, I’m not in the right headspace for that. I would’ve been spending a lotta time alone and I don’t wanna do that right now. It just wasn’t where I felt like I should be. I didn’t feel any kind of excitement over it at all, so I turned it down”

I suddenly felt vulnerable revealing that to him, questioning if I should have. I didn’t want him to worry about me when he needed to be focusing on himself. 

“Are you sure you’re doing ok?” He asked quietly. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me, I promise. I’m just…I-” I huffed, shaking my head. I wasn’t sure if it was ok to finish that thought. I didn’t want to make any assumptions about how he was feeling or make an ass of myself. 

I heard him chuckle quietly over my flustered response, “I miss you too.” 

I was instantly calmed by his words, my anxiety about where we stood easing some. I let out a shy laugh at his declaration, tears still running down my face as I sniffled out, “You do?”

“Of course, I do, so fucking much… I - I’m sorry I haven't called you. I wanted to make sure I had a clear head when I did, and then I didn’t really know what to say after everything that happened.”

I heard him inhale sharply before he spoke up again, there was a tapping noise, like he was drumming his fingers against something.

“Listen, I’ve only got a few minutes left before they cut me off for today, but the reason I called…” 

He paused, clearing his throat nervously, “Umm, so I wanted to see if you would be willing to come here and do a session with my psychiatrist and me…”

“Of course, when?”

“Whenever you can. Just uhh, call my case worker and she’ll get it scheduled.” 

I could hear him shuffle around before he started cursing under his breath. 

“Well, I was gonna give you the number but now I can’t find it...Gabby should have it.” 

I couldn’t help but to snigger at him. He was still a little bit of a hot mess, which I loved about him. 

He followed up with an exasperated “sorry” about not being able to find the number before he let out a quiet laugh at himself. It felt like part of it was his nervousness too. 

“I’ll text her to get it as soon as we hang up and I’ll call immediately.” 

I could hear him sigh in relief before a beeping noise broke into our conversation with an automated message giving a one minute warning. 

“I’ll be there tomorrow if they’ll let me…or at least as soon as they’ll let me,” I said in a rush. Suddenly feeling the pressure of our limited time. I still felt like I had so many things to say to him. 

“I would like that. I…I really can’t wait to see you…” 

His words trailed off, shaking slightly as he was hit with another wave of emotions. 

“I can’t wait to see you either,” I replied with a quivering voice. 

After a moment of silence, there was a clicking sound as the line disconnected. I held the phone against my forehead, trying to get my breathing back to normal. Once I was able to focus my thoughts, I sent a quick text to Gabby to let her know that Dieter had called and that I needed the number for his case worker. I half expected her to call me, but thankfully she didn’t. She replied back quickly with the number and that she was happy he finally reached out. She followed that message up with another asking me if I was ok and if I needed to talk about it. I appreciated her offer, but I was good for now and let her know as much. Once I finished texting with Gabby, I dialed the number for the case worker, suddenly feeling nervousness forming in the pit of my stomach. 

“Sanctuary Hills, this is Sharon,” the polite, yet comforting voice answered.

“Hi Sharon, this is Natalia Cohen…” She cut in before I could continue. 

“Oh, Talia, hi. I’ve been expecting your call. Dieter told me he was going to be calling you.” 

I let out a nervous laugh, slightly taken aback by the familiarity in which she said my name. It made me wonder how much he had talked about me. 

“I assume you’re calling about an appointment for a family session?” 

I didn’t know why, but it stirred something in me when she called it a family session. Technically, I wasn’t his family, but they were treating me as if I were. I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes again as I exhaled out a breathy “yes” in response.

“That’s wonderful news, I know he’ll be overjoyed to see you.” I could hear the smile in her voice

“I can’t wait to see him either,” I replied, still trying to keep the emotions out of my words.

“Alright, let me have a look at the schedule. Dr. Rosenberg did ask that you be prepared to be available for at least a week for additional sessions, if possible.” 

“Additional sessions?” I was confused. I couldn’t recall if the same thing had been asked of Gabby, which caused my anxiety to flare.  

“Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal for that to happen. It’s mostly educational sessions for family members if they’re willing to participate.”

“Oh, ok. That doesn’t sound so bad.” I laughed nervously. 

“When would you like to come in?” she asked with a calming tone.

“As soon as you can get me in is preferable.” I started tapping on the table as I waited for options, listening to the clicking of a keyboard on her end. 

“How about 10 AM the day after tomorrow?” 

“I’ll take it,” I said a little too eagerly. The anticipation of seeing Dieter again was starting to get to me. 

“I have it scheduled. In case you do end up staying for additional sessions, we have apartments on site for patient families. So, you won’t have to worry about lodging. We don’t want you stressing about that while you’re here.”

“Oh, that’s…nice. Thanks for letting me know.”

“When you arrive for your session, come in the north entrance with the blue awning and they'll get you checked in. It’s a different entrance than where you would have come in before.”  

I thanked her and our conversation ended soon after that. Afterwards, I sat staring out the kitchen window, feeling the anxiousness settle into my gut. Not knowing what to expect was always the worst for me. It was like that call had started a countdown, to what, I wasn’t sure. I could only hope the end result would be something positive. 

The morning of our session, I had a ridiculously early flight so that I could be there in time. I decided to keep things simple with minimal makeup, a messy bun, sunglasses, sneakers, skinny jeans, and one of Dieter’s button up dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up. I had raided his closet while I was at his house cleaning up. It was something small, but being wrapped in his scent or wearing something that belonged to him brought me some comfort during my time without him. His clothing quickly became a staple in my casual attire. 

I was so anxious about seeing Dieter again that the flight didn’t faze me like it normally would have. Though it was an hour and a half, it seemed much quicker as the minutes continued to count down and the distance between us shortened. I could feel myself getting more worked up the closer I got. By the time I acquired the rental car and was on the road to the facility, my chest was heavy. Breathing was getting harder with each mile that passed. 

When I pulled into the parking lot, I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. I sat gripping the steering wheel tightly in both hands and taking deep breaths. I wasn’t even sure why I was so nervous, it’s not like I knew what Dieter was planning to talk to me about. However, deep down I had a fear, though most likely irrational, that he was going to realize he didn’t really want to be with me after this. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that a second time if it were to happen. Without permission, the tears started to streak down my cheeks, and I felt like I was going to be sick. 

After a few more deep breaths, I slammed my fist down on the stop of the steering wheel out of frustration, “Fucking hell, get it together Talia.”  

My head dropped back onto the headrest as I squeezed my eyes shut, still taking deep controlled breaths. After several minutes passed, I let out a slow exhale before opening my eyes. Feeling more relaxed, I did a quick check in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a complete mess before exiting the vehicle to go inside. 

I was starting to have an out of body feeling as I went through the check in process. I couldn’t really remember walking to the building or anything the lady behind the desk had just said to me as I sat down in the lobby to wait. After a few minutes, one of the receptionists called my name and led me through a secure door down a long hallway. We passed several offices that had glass inserts in the doors with shades. Most of the shades were pulled closed, however, I noticed one was open. As I approached, I glanced inside and was met with a familiar figure sitting in a high backed desk chair in the middle of the room with his head leaned back and eyes closed as he spun back and forth, his legs bouncing ever so often. He was sitting on the opposite side of a desk from a woman who was possibly in her fifties, with graying hair and a kind face. Though, she did have a slightly overwhelmed look about her as her eyes met mine through the glass. 

I stopped briefly, watching him wave his hands animatedly as he talked incessantly, never raising his head or opening his eyes. I felt a small smirk sneak across my face. He was nervous too. I could tell. My eyes flicked back to the woman, who was watching me watch him with a soft smile on her face. 

My attention was pulled away by the receptionist, who was now at my side waiting for me to continue following her. 

“He’s been driving us all crazy this morning. I think poor Sharon is getting the worst of it. He’s beyond excited that you’re here today.” 

I chuckled at the thought before continuing down the hallway. I was led into a spacious office. It was modern and white with floor to ceiling windows on one side with nothing in sight but nature. All the furnishings were earth tones of brown and deep reds and oranges. I noticed there were a lot of plants filling the space, which added a homey feeling, in a strange sort of way. It also struck me how there were different seating areas on either side of the room. One had a small couch and cushy chair positioned in front of it, while the other had four cushy chairs sitting closely together in a circle. Each of the seats were adorned with soft looking pillows in various shades matching the space. There was a traditional desk setup in the center of the room with two chairs placed in front of it. Each area felt carefully designed to meet specific needs.   

Moments after entering the room, I was greeted by Dr. Rosenberg who first shook my hand, then pulled me in for a loose hug. 

“Talia, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you the last couple of months.” 

It took me by surprise, though I felt like it shouldn’t have. There was a certain familiarity and kindness that everyone seemed to have toward me. Everyone had been very warm and welcoming thus far. It was comforting to know this was the type of environment that Dieter had been in. 

I gave her a tight lipped smile as she led me over to sit in one of the four chairs in a circle. To my surprise, the chair spun slightly as I sat in it. Dr. Rosenberg turned hers to face me directly, so I did the same with mine. I had managed to stay composed thus far, but my nervousness was starting to show as I reached up and rubbed at my shoulder. The psychiatrist was silent for a moment as she watched my movements. I stopped, sat up straight and placed both hands on top of my crossed legs to keep from fidgeting. 

I’m not sure why, but I felt the need to appear like I had my shit together. I took a minute to study her as she gave me a soft smile while she continued to get settled, grabbing a notepad, file folder, pen, and glasses from the small table next to her seat. She was probably in her early fifties, maybe late forties. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, and she was dressed in business casual attire. I could tell she wanted to appear professional, but not uninviting. She was also definitely looking at my body language very closely, which was making me feel antsy. My therapist used to do that, and I hated it. I mentally smacked myself over my thoughts. I was already putting up walls and we hadn’t even started talking yet. 

“Well, it’s been an exciting morning around here. Dieter is definitely happy you’re here. He was asked to leave his group session this morning because he couldn't focus. He’s been bugging poor Sharon ever since.” She laughed and smiled affectionately at her words.

She was trying to get me to relax. I knew that I looked too tense. I let out a breathy laugh as I sat back further in the seat, trying to appear less uptight, but I didn't think it was working. She gave me a sympathetic look suddenly, “You’re nervous to see him.” 

It wasn’t a question. Looking down at my hands, I chuckled to myself briefly before clearing my throat to speak, “Yeah, I guess I am. I just…don’t know what to expect.”

“That’s a perfectly normal feeling. It’s not unusual for family members to worry if their loved one is going to be different after treatment. Is that some of what you’re feeling?”

Her question took me by surprise, “Ummm, maybe. Sort of...maybe not so much about him being different…more about him feeling differently.” 

She nodded, “I understand. I can’t say that he won’t be different. His personality may present differently, more calm, less emotional or moody. He will feel differently in that he won’t be cycling from one extreme to the other, emotionally. As far as how he feels ABOUT things, that isn’t going to change just because he’s stabilized. Does that make sense?” 

I gave a tight nod, “Yeah, it does.” It didn’t do anything to ease my anxiety though because I still didn’t know how he really felt about us. She eyed me for a second before continuing.

“So, I’ll fill you in on my plan for today. First, you and I are going to chat about Dieter’s diagnosis. Once we’re done, I’m going to bring him in for the session. After that, you and I will have a follow-up meeting to discuss the path forward. Does that sound ok to you?”   

“Yeah, that’s fine.” I started to chew on my bottom lip while she flipped through the file in her hand.

“Great. Just so you’re aware, Dieter signed release forms for you to have access to his medical and treatment information. Nothing is off the table, so if you have questions, ask. He made it clear to me that he wants you to know everything and wants you involved as much as you want to be.”

I paused briefly, shocked by that information. I exhaled the breath I didn’t realize I was holding, “Ok...I wasn’t expecting that.” 

She smiled before continuing, “Alright, let’s get to it then?” She raised her brows at me, asking permission to proceed. I motioned with my hand to continue.  

“So, he’s been formally diagnosed with mixed episode Bipolar I Disorder (BD). In simple terms, bipolar disorder is when someone experiences extreme behavioral or mood changes. The extreme highs are called manic episodes, and lows are episodes of depression. Most people with BD go through highs and lows over an extended period of time. Someone with mixed episodes, like Dieter has, tend to experience both highs and lows simultaneously or in a rapid sequence with no recovery time.”

She paused, giving me a minute to digest her words. I couldn’t say I was surprised by the diagnosis, it actually made a lot of his behavior make sense. When I didn’t speak up, she continued. 

“I think what happened with Dieter…he was put on a lot of medication. Antidepressants in particular can be very tricky for someone with BD. It can cause an increased risk of mood destabilization when the antidepressants are not taken with a mood stabilizer. He was on pretty much everything but a mood stabilizer. You add that in with not sleeping, not eating, drinking, anxiety, and episode triggers…it’s a recipe for disaster. Sometimes being improperly medicated like that can trigger suicidal ideation and even psychosis. Honestly, he was fighting a losing battle.”

I leaned forward in my seat, placing my elbows on my knees while I rubbed at my face. I felt anger bubbling in my chest. 

“Why didn’t his therapists or doctors catch what was happening?”

“One reason…lack of experience. BD is also incredibly hard to diagnose because it shares symptoms with so many other more common disorders like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and ADHD, which is what he was being treated for. That’s not to say he doesn’t have those things as well, but if he does, we need to take a different treatment approach.” 

I sighed, shaking my head in disbelief. “Wow, that actually kind of blows my mind.” 

“I know… and I’m surprised that no one thought to look into it, given his family history. It can be hereditary, and BD does have a high suicide rate. Given what happened with his mother, it should’ve been considered. Also, the fact that he experienced trauma in dealing with that incident...trauma often causes the onset of symptoms.” 

I sighed heavily as the tears started to pool in my eyes, “This actually…kind of pisses me off that he had to go through all of this needlessly. He fucking hated taking that stuff because of the way it made him feel.”  

“That brings me to my next topic...It's been hard to get a baseline with him. I feel like a lot of the things he was experiencing were side effects from all the medications he was on. I can’t really rely on his history before he started the medication because he was using recreational and prescription drugs and drinking heavily to self medicate, which could have been making things worse for him during that time as well.” She paused briefly to gauge my reaction, “I assume you knew about his past substance abuse issues?”

“Yeah, he’s mentioned it…What does all that mean?”

“Well, it’s hard to know exactly what his actual symptoms are right now. So, to start, I’m doing the bare minimum. I’ve started him out on a low dose mood stabilizer called divalproex sodium. It’s actually…an anticonvulsant that’s normally used to treat seizures rather than a typical mood stabilizer like lithium.”

I drew my brows down together in confusion, “Why a seizure medication?” 

“That medication increases the amount of a chemical called gamma-aminobutyric acid in the brain. It works to block certain transmissions across the nerves in the brain and creates sort of an overall calming effect. That particular medication often works best for patients that have mixed or rapid cycling episodes. Lithium typically doesn’t get the job done in those instances. He seems to be doing well on it so far. We’ll give it a few more months to make sure everything else is out of his system and reevaluate.”    

“So, he went from taking half the pharmacy…to one thing?” 

“He did. He seems pretty set on limiting the medications as much as possible. He’s been spending a lot of his time doing cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal and social rhythm therapy, and psychoeducation to help him manage his symptoms and learn about triggers and that sort of thing. He’s been very invested in it, and it seems to be helping.”

I sighed, starting to feel overwhelmed, “I don’t know what all of that is. I mean, I know cognitive behavioral therapy but…” I shook my head in confusion. 

“No worries, if you decide to continue with the family education sessions you’ll learn about that stuff. I know it’s a lot to take in...”

“Yeah, it is, but I’m happy that he’s hopefully on the right track now.” I took a couple of deep breaths to try and relax some as I continued to process things. 

“One last thing before I bring Dieter in...I know you two were no longer together before his hospitalization and you haven’t really had a chance to work things out. His preference is to stay with you when he leaves treatment. I do want to be able to manage his expectations if that isn’t going to be the case. I don’t want you to feel like you have to allow that if you aren’t ready to take all this on. I want you to know that you can say no.”

I was taken aback at her directness, but also appreciated it. I actually felt like I was warming up to her some and feeling more comfortable with opening up to her. I didn’t hesitate with my response, if anything, I said it with conviction, looking directly into her eyes as I spoke. 

“There’s no question in my mind about him coming home with me so long as he wants to. I’ve known from the start that he was struggling with his mental health, and I promised to support him through it. A new diagnosis doesn’t change anything for me. I’m all in for this.”

Dr. Rosenberg gave me a warm smile, clearly satisfied with my response. “Now I see why he says you can be a force to be reckoned with.”

My eyebrows shot up at her words as she again took me by surprise, “Dieter said that?” I chuckled at the thought as I leaned back in my seat, surprised that was the wording he chose. 

“He’s said a lot of things about you, all positive, of course.” She laughed quietly to herself as she set her glasses on the table. As she stood, she announced she was going to go get him for our joint sessions. 

After Dr. Rosenberg disappeared out the door, I could feel my anxiety returning. My chest was starting to tighten again as my heart beat a mile a minute. Instinctively, my right hand moved to rub at my shoulder. Was he going to be upset about how easily I gave up on us? I didn’t know how he couldn’t be. It didn’t sound like he was planning to end things for good even though that thought kept crossing my mind. It was clearly my pessimism and self-doubt seeping in. The thought of being completely open and vulnerable in this setting was making things worse too. I wasn’t a fan of having an audience, but I needed to get over that and not build up my walls right now. I propped my arm on the rest of the chair and started to rub at my forehead as my leg began to bounce. I couldn’t make myself stop the fidgeting no matter how hard I tried. 

After several minutes passed, Dr. Rosenberg returned with Dieter following behind her. His head was down, clenching and unclenching his hands as he walked. As he approached me, he finally looked my way through his lashes. He gave me a small smile that widened as his eyes dropped down to my shirt, obviously noticing I was wearing one of his. I gave him a shy smile in return. He sat down in the chair directly in front of me as Dr. Rosenberg returned to her earlier spot. 

It was clear he was nervous by the way he couldn’t keep his hands still and how the heel of his croc kept bouncing off the tiled floor. He would only occasionally glance in my direction as we waited for Dr. Rosenberg to get settled again. I took the opportunity to study his appearance. He looked so much better compared to the last time I had seen him. His light gray t-shirt was no longer loose looking around his fit torso. His pale skin had been replaced with a golden tan. His hair was longer and as wild as ever, framing his scruffy and patchy beard. His chocolate brown eyes looked clearer than I had ever seen them and were filled with nervousness and anticipation. 

Once Dr. Rosenberg was ready to start, she filled Dieter in on what she had discussed with me about his diagnosis. She then encouraged him to take the lead going forward and discuss the things he wanted to speak with me about. He rubbed his hands together nervously, briefly chewing on his bottom lip before he met my gaze to speak. 

“So, you’re…ok with that diagnosis?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure what he meant and gave him a confused look. “Like, it doesn’t freak you out or anything? I know it’s a lot to deal with.” 

“Dieter, the diagnosis doesn’t change anything. You’re still you. Why would it bother me?”

“I dunno, I’m just afraid that at some point you’re gonna realize how big of a mess I am and run away from it all,” he said sheepishly. 

I chuckled, leaning forward in the seat with a teasing smile, “I realized how big of a mess you were a long time ago.”  He scratched at his chin as a smirk formed on his lips.

“Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen the worst of it and I’m still here. My feelings for you haven’t changed. You don’t have to worry about that from me.”

His eyes turned glassy at my words as he pinched his brows together, looking downward at his hands in his lap. 

“I don’t deserve you, not after the way I treated you…the things I said. I was such an asshole to you.”

I bit at my bottom lip, shaking my head before speaking, “None of that matters to me. I know you weren’t completely yourself when you said those things.”

“No, I wasn’t but I still knew what I was doing and saying. I apparently tend to self-sabotage things. Some of the things I said, using your past against you, I knew it would hurt you. I wanted the words to hurt so you would let me go. I knew you wouldn’t otherwise.”

“Why though? I don’t understand why you felt the need to end things to begin with. Why was I a burden to you?”

His eyes widened at my question, brows shooting upward as he shook his head from side to side, “No, no you weren’t the burden…I was. I’m sorry I made you think that. I know the night I called, I wasn’t making a lot of sense. I…I hadn’t slept in days, and I was such a fucking mess.”

He licked his bottom lip and chewed at it for a second before continuing, “I could see how you were having to completely change everything about your life to accommodate me and my work just for us to be together. I knew it was eventually gonna be a problem and cause you stress because it was affecting your job. I didn’t wanna ruin your life that way. You shouldn’t have to cater your life to mine, it’s not fair. I love you too much to do that to you.”    

“Dieter, it wasn’t always gonna be like that. It just happened to be shitty circumstances caused by the remote location. If we hadn't been in the middle of nowhere, I could’ve worked without issue. We just weren’t prepared for the challenges that came up. This is a learning experience for both of us. We’ll know better for next time so I can plan accordingly…and it wasn’t like you weren’t making changes to meet me halfway.” 

He couldn’t argue with that. He sighed as he leaned back in his seat, nodding in agreement. 

“I know that now, I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly…obviously. It all made sense at the time.” He rolled his eyes, frustrated with his behavior. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“It was more than that though, I knew I was spiraling out of control. I could fucking feel it happening and didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t wanna tell you what was going on because I didn’t want you to worry. I knew you would drop everything and fly back to Canada to be with me.”

“You’re damn right I would’ve… and I should’ve done that anyway.” I could feel my emotions catching up to me, my eyes filling with tears as I looked down away from him. 

“I fucking knew it…in my gut that something was wrong, and I did nothing. If I had just done it…came up there anyway, this probably would’ve gone differently. I could’ve helped you through it, but no…I was a fucking coward. I gave up because I was selfish and wanted to protect myself. I didn’t even try because I was too afraid that I would end up in a dark place again if you didn’t want me to be there with you.”

The tears were streaking down my cheeks by this point. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I had so much anger for myself that it was making me feel sick. Dieter stood from his seat, closing the few feet between us, then got down on his knees on the floor in front of me. He moved to grab my hands in my lap, but hesitated. I reached up and grabbed his in response.

“I’m sorry I put you in the position to even have to think that. It should’ve never happened. I should’ve been communicating everything with you instead of pushing you away. This whole fucking mess is my fault…I wanted to reach out so many times after that… to try and fix it, but you seemed like you were doing ok so I didn’t want to upset you again.”

The tears were streaming down his face now as he took a minute to try and compose himself. 

“I thought I could move on and just deal with things the way I used to…by numbing the pain. That’s when I started drinking heavily again. Then I saw you at the restaurant, and you looked so fucking amazing…and I was such a dick. I was so angry with myself for that. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had everything and fucked it up. My behavior after that night was reckless. There are days I can’t even remember because I was drinking so much. I just wanted to not think about it anymore.”

He pulled his hands away, looking down at the floor before wiping at his face. When he raised his head again, the pain in his eyes nearly made my heart stop. I reached out to cup his cheek, but he leaned away, seeming to need space.  

“The night that video of you was posted online…several people sent it to me. I didn’t watch it at first because I didn’t think it would mean anything…but when I finally did…”

He put his hand over his mouth, letting out a quiet sob, before continuing. 

“I could see how bad you were hurting…how bad I hurt you. What I did to you…I hated myself for it because you didn’t deserve that. It also reminded me of what I was missing out on because of how beautiful you sounded and looked…and that fucking song.” 

He paused for a minute, shaking his head. He sniffled and wiped at his face again before continuing.  

“I stayed up all night, watching it on a loop on the tv. I almost called you then, but stopped myself. I drank until I had nothing left instead. Then, when I ran into you the next morning, I could see how fucking broken you were. The way you looked at me…it fucking crushed me. I bought more alcohol and went back to the house. I don’t really remember much after that.”

He shook his head for a moment, pausing to take a few deep breaths, wiping at his face again. 

“I don’t even remember calling you…and…even after everything I did, you still came to me. You could’ve easily told me to fuck off and I would’ve deserved it, but you didn’t. I know I wouldn’t be here right now if you hadn’t. You saved my life…I feel like you’ve been doing that ever since New York. When I say you’re my light in the darkness, I fucking mean it.”

I started sobbing into my hands. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist, pulling my hands around his neck as he moved to hug me. We sat there in an embrace for some time before I started mumbling into his shoulder. 

“I was so afraid you were gonna hate me for giving up on you so easily. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. Just know that it had nothing to do with you…I clearly still need to work on my own shit.”

He hugged me a little tighter as he buried his fingers in the back of my hair, “That thought never crossed my mind. Don’t even worry about it anymore.”  

He finally pulled back, wiping the tears away from my cheeks with his thumbs as he did so. We gave each other tight smiles as we locked eyes. He turned away, toward Dr. Rosenberg, who I had completely forgotten was in the room, and asked for some tissues. She picked up the box from her small table and handed it to him as he stood. He handed me several and took some for himself before handing the box back to her. She motioned for him to have a seat. As she turned to set the box back on the table, I noticed she was looking a little glassy eyed too. 

We all sat in silence as her eyes shifted between us. Dieter and I glanced at each other, confusion on our faces as we looked back toward her. She chuckled before she spoke.

“I’m not even sure why I’m here. This is literally the first family session ever where I didn’t have to intervene or lead a conversation. You two don’t seem to have any problems communicating, so I’m not sure how you ended up where you were.” 

We both smiled widely at her, surprised and appreciative of her honesty. Dieter spoke up with a chuckle.  

“I think between my fucked up brain and the distance…it didn’t do us any favors. We’re always at our best when we’re physically together, I think. Everything goes to hell when we aren’t. Clearly that is something I need to work on.”

Dr. Rosenberg nodded in agreement, “Well, I hate to separate you two again, but we are running short on time, and I want to have a chat with Talia about the plans going forward. Dieter, I’m pretty sure you have another group session coming up so you better head that way. You think you can focus enough for this one?” 

She raised an eyebrow in his direction as he laughed and nodded. He stood, quickly shuffling over to lean down and give me a hug before exiting the room.  

Dr. Rosenberg wasted no time getting back to business, “Talia, part of his treatment is making sure he has the support he needs when he gets home. That’s why we offer support to caretakers as well, because technically, you will be his caretaker as the only other person in the household with him.”

I knitted my brows together, confused about where this conversation was going. 

“I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know you have a traumatic history because Dieter has mentioned a few things. I don’t know the details, and I get the sense he doesn’t know it all either. I feel like whatever happened with your ex-husband is still affecting you. Is the dark place you mentioned something that you would be willing to talk to me about? Anything you tell me about yourself is confidential, just so you know.”

I sighed heavily as I ran both hands over my face, “So you picked up on that, huh?” I laughed nervously under her gaze. 

“You’re right, I haven’t told him everything. I keep telling myself I’ve moved past it, but after the last few months, I’ve realized that I just locked it away and pretended it didn’t exist. I tend to do that with a lot of things.” She gave me an encouraging smile, clearly picking up on my hesitation as I paused to gather my thoughts. 

“So, the last few years of my marriage, I started drinking heavily after finding no way out of the hell I was living in. The constant mental and psychological abuse was wearing me down, especially after I realized what was happening. When I tried to talk to Justin about a divorce, he would just tell me there was no way out because he wasn’t ready to give me up.” I paused briefly… focusing on something outside through the window. “I uhh, came home early from work one day and found him with another woman that he worked with. He of course said it was my fault, because I wasn’t giving him what he needed in the marriage. I knew what he was doing…and I was determined not to let it go because I felt I had a legitimate reason to end things at that point. I TOLD him I was leaving. I was done asking. When I started packing a bag, he hit me. The first time ever. I mean, he had shoved me around some, but never hit me across the face like that. He told me there was no leaving… that he would just find me and bring me home. Said no one would believe me or help because all of OUR friends knew how I was.”

“Talia, what did saying that out loud just now make you feel?”  

My eyes drifted over to meet hers, “I don’t really feel anything.” 

She arched a brow, “That’s because you're dissociating. I want you to focus on me as you speak and feel what you’re saying.”  

Fuck. She wasn’t going to let me cheat my way through this like my therapist did. I pinched my brows together as my eyes teared up again. I had to face this. I closed my eyes briefly, exhaling slowly. When I opened them and met her gaze, she nodded for me to continue. 

“He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. He made sure of that. He left after our argument, said he was going out with the guys. I doubt that’s where he went though. As soon as he left, I started drinking. I remember…feeling lost and pretty fucking hopeless after that. I couldn’t believe he hit me, and I was scared it would happen again. I never saw myself as someone who lets their husband abuse them…I felt disgusted over it. I must have drank a lot…because I can’t remember the rest of that night. I - I woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I guess when he came home, he found me passed out in my own vomit.”

I started tapping on the arm of the chair as the tightness in my chest returned. The tears trickled out again. 

“When Justin finally came to see me, I told him that I was done. If he didn’t let me go, I was gonna find a way out…one way or another and I would make sure everyone knew it was his fault. Given that I had just put myself in the hospital, he took me at my word and agreed on a divorce. I guess he was afraid of what I would do.”

“What did you mean by that?”

I gave a half smile, “I honestly don’t know. I wonder that myself…what I was capable of. If I could’ve done anything.”

“What happened after you both agreed to the divorce?”

“Well, when I was still in the hospital, I reached out to one of my best friends that I grew up with, Lauren. We had kept in touch, even though I actively worked to put up a wall between us so she wouldn’t know what was really going on in my life because I was so embarrassed over it. She didn’t hesitate…she was at the hospital within the hour, and I told her everything. I stayed with her for a few weeks until I got my life sorted out. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without her. Of course, Justin continued to torment me by dragging out the divorce for over a year. It got pretty nasty.”

“What effects do you feel like that experience had on you?” She asked quietly. 

“Experience.” I chuckled. “I didn’t realize twelve years of hell could be considered an experience.” 

She gave me a sympathetic look before I continued, “I mean, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was. I was who he wanted me to be. After I left him, he was still in my head with everything I did. What I was wearing, how I fixed my hair and makeup, things I said. I couldn’t do some of the simplest things without hearing his voice telling me I was doing something wrong and having a fucking panic attack over it. I couldn’t make decisions…and yes, I would still drink to numb my feelings and calm myself down. Only this time, I knew exactly how much I could drink without taking it too far.”

“Are those things still an issue for you now?”    

I shook my head, “No, I mean, I did all the cognitive behavioral therapy and the sessions. I eventually got to a point where the negative thoughts stopped. I think Dieter had a lot to do with that…he kind of helped me see myself in a different light…but I do still have anxiety sometimes and I think I’ve reverted back to ignoring my feelings… compartmentalizing everything and pretending it’s not there. Throwing myself into work and staying busy to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been doing that instead of drinking the feelings away.” 

Dr. Rosenberg leaned forward, placing her elbow on her knee with a pensive look on her face.   

“Talia…would you be willing to stay for the next three weeks to work through some of this with me? It would be outpatient treatment…a couple hours a day. You can stay in one of our apartments.” 

I sucked in a quick breath. I certainly wasn’t expecting this, but at the same time, I almost felt relieved. My gut told me I needed it and I knew I couldn’t go on the way I had been because I was eventually going to self-destruct if I didn’t take better care of myself. I knew I couldn’t fully be there for Dieter if I was still battling with myself. I sat staring at my hands as I thought through the offer. I could still work remotely, so that wouldn’t be an issue. I raised my head to meet her eyes, “Will Dieter know what I’m doing?”   

“Only if you want him to.”

“I don’t want to saddle him with my shit right now…I don’t wanna mess him up.” 

“Honestly, I think he’s stable at this point. I think he could handle whatever you wanted to share with him. If you wanted, we could even do some more joint sessions, or he can just be there for support if you want him to be. It’s all up to you really.”

“What would you do?” I asked, letting out a stuttered breath with my question. She took a minute to consider her response, biting on the inside of her cheek as she did so.   

“I don’t think it would be bad if you shared everything with him. The more open you are with one another, the better. Communication is going to be a huge factor in keeping your relationship healthy and happy. At least if he knows what’s going on he can support you, just like you support him. Also, if he needs help processing through things, we can help him with that while he’s here…but again, it’s your decision.” 

“Yeah, I mean he knows most of it anyway…Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll stay and I want him involved.”

She gave me a bright smile, “I’m actually really happy to hear that. I think this will allow you to build a solid foundation going forward. I’m excited for your future together. I can tell that you both care deeply for each other and I really want your time here to be successful.” 

I gave her thanks for the opportunity she was giving me. I’ve known for a while that I had things that I needed to work on but didn't really know where to start. The fact that Dieter seemed so at ease with her and was doing so well gave me some comfort and the courage to jump in head first. 

The next three weeks were a whirlwind of educational sessions to help me learn about bipolar disorder; the triggers, coping strategies, and lifestyle changes to minimize stress. I even had an opportunity to learn more about Dieter’s medication and possible interactions and side effects so I would be able to spot them. He had asked that I be involved with his Interpersonal and Social Rhythm therapy, which was designed to help him build a daily routine of healthy habits to manage his moods. Given his job, sometimes a routine was almost impossible for him to keep, but we learned strategies to deal with that when confronted with it. It was all very helpful for the both of us.

I had my sessions too of course. He sometimes set in on them if we were doing something particularly hard that day. His presence helped keep me grounded and got me through a lot. He was taking time to learn about ways to help me cope better and we worked together on effective communication skills. 

Dr. Rosenberg recommended that I start keeping a journal to help me work through my emotions. I was iffy about it at first, but Dieter was also doing it and he loved it. He was very encouraging about it. It was something that I had come to enjoy doing after a few days. We had even taken to having a shared journal between us to better communicate our feelings, which Dr. Rosenberg loved the idea of and encouraged. 

Even though Dieter and I weren’t able to spend a whole lot of time together during those three weeks, I could always feel his presence and support. It’s what kept me going through it all. I don’t think I would have had the strength to do it without him. By the time my last day of treatment came around, he was given the all clear for discharge. It was both nerve wracking and exciting to know that we would be going home…together.

A/N: How excited are we that these two are finally back together? How badly did this chapter hit the feels? Did you cry? If you did, hopefully this will be the last time...unless you are a happy crier. There may be happy tears later. 😉 How are we feeling about Dieter's diagnosis? Does it change how you view some of his past behavior? What about that revelation from Talia? I mean, are we really surprised though; the girl has had a complicated relationship with alcohol throughout the whole story. How do you think things are going to go when they get back home? Do you think they will pick up where they left off or have some growing pains? We will find out in the next chapter. 😁 I am 100% failing at life and did not get the Deconstructing Dieter Bravo post done. I need to do a little fact checking and didn't have the brain power for it. However, once I get that ready, it will be posted HERE. The topic for Deconstructing Dieter Bravo Part 3 will be his diagnosis. I will tag all the usuals in the posts once it is ready. Hopefully you will find it to be educational. 💜 👉 I do want to share some details on upcoming projects that will be released for the holidays. I am participating in the @pedrostories Secret Santa event. I have received my gift prompt, and you may be excited to know that you will be getting a Dieter Bravo one shot from me by Christmas. I already have some ideas swirling around for it and it's not related to any current fics. It should be fun. Be sure to follow the #pedrostoriesgift23 hashtag to check out all the awesome work that will be included for the event. If you would like to be tagged on this one shot, let me know in the comments. 💜 As usual, I have included the chapter mood board below in case you missed it.😘

Next Chapter

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[justficsiguess]

I guess I'm just gonna post all of my daydream scenarios lol. Another batfam one!

tw: feelings of inadequacy, memory loss

So. You wake up, no idea where you are or what's going on. No memories of who you are or your life before this.

The people who call themselves your family try everything to get you to remember, show you around the mansion where you apparently live, showing you different trophies that are everywhere in your (admittedly, very beautiful) room, explaining to you how and when you won them, pointing at pictures hoping you'll remember where they were taken... But, nothing.

They even tell you about the vigilante stuff! They try throwing stuff at you and seeing if your reflexes still work subconsciously (you get hit in the face with a lot of pillows, Damian has to be stopped from throwing knives multiple times). Don't you remember when you solved the Riddlers puzzles with Batman? When you and Nightwing took down Poison Ivy? ...Nothing sounds familiar? You lost your memories after being hit by a weird ray gun from a new villain, they haven't been able to figure out exactly how it works yet...

When none of that works they try stuff that they think might upset you, but it's the only thing left. How you lost your family before being taken in by Bruce and joining your new family, becoming a vigilante to stop other kids from losing their parents in the same way as you. Unsurprisingly, that doesn't ring any bells whatsoever. They show you pictures of your old family, and... you think you remember them? But not dead, not gone, you get flashes of going grocery shopping with them, looking older than they were when they died, apparently? How can that be...? After that, most of your memories return pretty quickly. You don't belong here.

You all figure out together that apparently you didn't just lose your memory, you switched places with the version of you that actually belongs to this universe! It's nice knowing what happened and that they might be able to figure out a way to switch back with their version of you, to get you home, but it also hurts.

Looking more closely at the other-you's life, it's pretty close to everything you've ever dreamed of... Having hobbies you've always wanted to have but never had the time and/or money for (they can play so many instruments, they dance, etc), a close friend group, maybe even a relationship, even their room is decorated exactly how you'd decorate it if you had the space and money! And all of their achievements... Graduated top of the class, got a scholarship to college, trophies for all sorts of sports. Basically everything you could think of, they excelled in.

You start sleeping in one of the guestrooms.

It's awkward, answering the other-you's family's questions about your life. What are your hobbies? Oh, um, nothing much, mostly I just go to work I guess... What's your job? Do you like it? Uhm, well, it's nothing important or groundbreaking or anything, but I guess there's worse ones! I mean, especially considering that I dropped out of university... Ok, well, what about your friends? Family? Friends? Um, I mean I get along with some of my coworkers, but I wouldn't really call them friends... And my family is just a normal family, I guess?

Needless to say, they want their helpful, smart, wonderful family member back. And you get it, they don't know you, you're a stranger to them! But, after they're able to contact the other-you (unable to bring them back yet, but their memories came back as well and they started working on something similar to the Batfam, which makes it so they can at least talk to each other for now), you find out that they're doing better in your life than you ever did. They got a better job or re-enrolled in university, show way more motivation and discipline than you ever did for anything in your life... The worst part is, they couldn't tell your parents that they're not you, they'd never believe them! So your parents are of the opinion that the mysterious accident is the best thing that ever happened to you! Sure, it was rough at first, but look at you now! Finally making something out of yourself, they couldn't be prouder!

So you're just stuck knowing that both families prefer the other-you, the better-you, smart-you, vigilante-you... Sure, maybe your parents would want you back if they knew it wasn't actually you who was achieving all of these things, but still, now you know they really were disappointed in you, that you weren't living up to their expectations...

[The other-you is having a rough time as well, though. Imagine suddenly remembering that the people you've been living with after your accident/memory-loss are dead where you're from, and you can't even tell them that! You missed them so much, but it's been so long they're strangers to you now... You try to get your mind off of it, work hard, etc, but everyone acts like that's so unlike you and doesn't seem like something you would have done before? You don't know them, they don't know you, you missed them so much, you'll have to lose them all over again. The other version of you seems mad at you for changing your life even though you think it's better now than what they had before.]

[vilevampirez]

long list of funny things abt my experience doing emote commissions for mike

first of all I wasn't expecting to get commissioned at all (my commissions weren't even open, I just made an exception for mike) let alone by MIKETHELINK of all fucking people, so I had nothing prepared. I had no portfolio, commission sheet, nothing. I had never made any twitch emotes, so I had no examples to show either. meaning that when barbmine showed up in my dms asking if I took emote commissions, first I lost my fucking shit, then I panicked and rushed to find the most recent emote-like illustrations I had, including animation, and the most recent animation I had on hand happened to be a viewtiful joe one lmao. the animation in question 👇

(the usernames on the watermark aren't even accurate anymore..)

I have some experience taking commissions but they'd always been for friends of mine, this was my first time getting commissioned by a real "client" and the client was fucking mikethelink tazercraft of all fucking people . I know he "found" me through Mine, she sent me a dm first asking for commission info, saying she would show it to mike later. the thing is that when she said that she also implied that she was in touch with other artists too, so I was like "oh ok I'll send my stuff but I probably won't get chosen lol" and then a few hours later I got two twitter notifs, one saying that mr. thelink tazercraft was now following me and another was his DM. to say I almost had a heart attack would be an understatement

later I found out Mine had made a tweet asking for artists to reach out/people to rec artists for mike's twitch emotes. that post had around 40 comments. many people had been recommended more than once. I wasn't mentioned by anyone once, and in fact, I had no fucking idea that post even EXISTED until way after the fact. I have no idea how I ended up getting this job

mike happened to contact me on a day where I was severely sleep deprived. our entire business conversation took place while I was half-panicking, half-almost-passing-out. I don't know how I survived

at many points during our conversation I gave a lot of leeway for mike to give up on commissioning me, implying multiple times that he would be better off commissioning a different artist. and it's not because I lacked confidence (though a bit of that too, of course), but because of my lack of experience. I was very open about that to him, so many times I expected him to second guess his decision to commission me. unexpectedly, he was really insistent. I think partially he didn't want to go through the trouble of finding and contacting a different artist, but also I guess he just liked my art that much (??!?)

I definitely undercharged him lol. it's not that I don't value my work, it's just that I was absolutely not prepared for any of this shit to happen and didn't have enough time to think

I use adobe after effects for animating mike's emotes. I already knew how to animate (though I had never animated anything big), but I had never used after effects before. I even told mike this before accepting the commission, but he just said it was easy and I could totally do it, and I was just like "fucking hell. fine". and look, I know my limits, I knew I'd be able to learn after effects with relative ease. if I thought it'be too much for me to handle, I wouldn't have accepted the commission. it just that to this day I'm still shocked that mike commissioned an artist who HAD NEVER USED THE TOOL NECESSARY FOR THE COMMISSION HE WANTED.

due to the point above I was pretty apprehensive about animating the emotes, but now I'm glad I got this opportunity bc it reignited my passion for animation that had been dwindling for a long time and I've been learning a lot while working. also with every new emote I figure out how to use a different feature of after effects and it makes the job a little bit easier

before giving my payment information I came out to him to avoid confusion with my legal name being different from the name on my socials. he was very chill about it and always used the right name and pronouns for me whenever he mentions me on stream

fun fact: I was reached out to by another big (brazilian, not in qsmp) youtuber for a commission but I had to refuse because I had too much on my plate already (still do..)

my favorite emotes are the devil one and the nerd one

I made his twitch avatar and banner too! I'm really proud of the avatar. the banner was absolute hell

I'm a lurker (and nowadays a vod watcher since I've been busy w/ uni work) but I do watch every single one of mike's streams, so just know that I'm always seeing you guys use the emotes :3

[ch4nb4ng]

Over the Eight seas: Hyunjin

Pairing: Hyunjin x afab!reader

Word Count: 7.1k (yeah i kinda got carried away...)

Genre: enemies to lovers

Note: Ok idk how this is gonna go... feedback and reblogs are very much appreciated <3 I am going to make this into a series tbh.. we will see @j-0ne25 here u go !!

Summary: You’re the head lifeguard, and he’s the cocky subordinate that does everything he can to make sure you know who’s really the boss: yes, everything.

Over the 8 seas masterlist

Being a lifeguard was a long time dream of yours from childhood. The beach was somewhere you grew up, holding many special and fond memories. It’s how you got to where you are now, head of the Bondi beach lifeguard association. Being in charge of one of the most famous beaches in the world was not an easy task. It involved hiring, training, firing and just maintaining lifeguard reputation and overall quality. It wasn't an easy job, nevertheless, you were grateful that you could be by the sea; that’s all that mattered to you.

You had your fair share of different lifeguards. The sweet ones who were very professional, sweet ones who had no idea, the average ones, and then the ones that were just plain arrogant, knew they were good at the job and just flaunted it. He was one of them. Always prancing around half naked ‘accidentally’ forgetting/misplacing his yellow shirt. He was incorrigible, but he was the best lifeguard at Bondi, apart from you ofc course. Hyunjin was a menace, and learning how to manage him might be your greatest task of all.

You had your fair share of different lifeguards. The sweet ones who were very professional, sweet ones who had no idea, the average ones, and then the ones that were just plain arrogant, knew they were good at the job and just flaunted it. He was one of them. Always prancing around half naked ‘accidentally’ forgetting/misplacing his yellow shirt. He was incorrigible, but he was the best lifeguard at Bondi, apart from you ofc course. Hyunjin was a menace, and learning how to manage him might be your greatest task of all.

***

The sea was choppy on a windy day like today, typical of a March weekend. Guards were on high alert, and the space between the two flags was very small, meaning that there wasn’t much safe area to swim in. Nonetheless, you sat happy in the watch chair, enjoying the way nature was such an independent, powerful body of its own.

“Y/n, good morning,” Chan smiled, taking a seat next to you, “how are you today?”

“Pretty good Chan, it’s nice to have you back.”

“Yes,” he chuckled, “time off is always good, but I can’t lie and say I didn’t miss it.”

That brought a rather large smile to your face. It was nice to hear that others shared the same passion for the ocean like yourself. Chan was one of the more senior lifeguards, having the most experience apart from yourself. Growing up a swimmer, it became advantageous during water emergencies, especially when things needed to be done quickly.

“That’s always good to hear, anything to report for today?”

“Nothing apart from the girl Hyunjin that was shoving her tongue down his throat in reciprocation to his tongue down her throat when I walked in this morning.”

An egregious eye roll followed after that. This was not the first time this had occurred. It was probably like the 20th time to be honest. Hyunjin liked to have fun, there wasn't a problem with that, you all did off duty, but it was the fact that he would bring them to work. You weren’t sure why, but everytime it made your blood boil. It definitely wasn't jealousy; no that couldn’t be it.

“If you have something to say, you are more than welcome to say it to my face rather than eye rolling behind my back.”

Ignoring his smartass comment you placed the binoculars over your eyes, refusing to even look in his direction. Chan suddenly felt awkward, realising he was about to be in the middle of a cat fight. Yep. There was a nickname for the interactions between you and Hyunjin. It was a scary day when the two of you were on duty together. You did everything you could in your power to work the least amount of time with him. It was just the nature of your relationship.

The rivalry began as soon as he stepped foot onto Bondi. He was the only lifeguard that could actually challenge you ability wise, knowledge wise, in every facet. He was confident, way too confident in your opinion, so when he got promoted to assistant manager you were still the same level, things just turned nasty. Hyunjin’s arrogance was tuned up all the way. Then you got promoted to head of association, and things just got worse. Though you felt no need to gloat, Hyunjin did everything in his power to undermine you, highlight that you were incorrectly promoted; he became a mega asshole. And you would rather drag your bare ass across a concrete road than spend more than five minutes with him.

“What do you want Hyunjin?”

“You wish I came here to talk to you, you’re so obsessed with me. I actually came to talk to my buddy Chan about last night.”

“Jesus Hyunjin, I already saw tongue wrestling her, no need to gloat that you’re getting your dick wet around here.”

“No but dude,” he replied, hitting Chan on the chest to make sure he got his attention, “she was like a freak, she went into a handstand as I went down on her, so flexible, doing cartwheels and shit completely naked.”

Your jaw clenched at hearing Hyunjin’s preposterous claims. Yes, it had been a while since you got some action yourself, so yes, it was kind of making you jealous, but it definitely had nothing to do with the idea of it being Hyunjin. Definitely not.

“Wow dude, that's crazy.” Chan nudged him smiling, almost forgetting that you were still next to him. He nudged him with his elbow, eyeing you before whispering to Hyunjin , “Maybe we should continue this convo at another time.”

“Why,” he scoffed, “are you worried about me hurting y/n’s feelings?”

This made you put your binoculars down, shooting daggers his way. Even though he got under your skin, continuously and consistently, it was usually easy to just ignore it. But the idea of him thinking that you're obsessed; it was just not something that you could just not let happen. The last thing you needed was rumors.

“For fucks sake Hyunjin,” you huffed, “can we just have one day where you spare us the details of your sex escapdes. First of all it’s just a massive HR violation and genuinely no one wants to hear it.”

He said nothing, instead, just laughing at your outburst.

“Aw y/n, y/n, it’s okay, not all of us can have mind-blowing sex regularly,” he paused, walking closer you and whispering into your ear, making sure Chan couldn’t hear. His lips brushed against the cartilage. A shiver running down your neck as he spoke.

 “I bet you’d be screaming my name if I had my way with you.”

Your breath caught in your throat, you were speechless, unable to speak as he walked away. It took you a solid two minutes to shake your head, stand up and leave, and head to the tea room to grab some water. You weren’t sure why, but as you took a sip of the icey beverage, you could still feel the weight of his words. Yes, Hyunjin was a douche and made sexual remarks numerous times, but never were directly about you. It was hard to admit, but there was a dull ache between your legs at this very moment. However, the fact that it was comments from what you classified to be the most repulsive man on earth was making you sick. You chugged the water down in one go, running to the bathroom and splashing your face. You definitely needed that. 

It wasn’t a long time of peace however, because your radio was on, and you could hear your name over the gentle static.

“Y/n, we’ve got a code T63.621A. Young girl stung by a jellyfish, parent is with them in the water. All on-duty units please grab the boat and head out to sea, girl is struggling to swim, over.”

“Copy that, Chan, Hyunjin, Seungmin, meet me at the shed to get the boat and let’s head to them, over.”

“Copy that.”

The three responded individually, meeting you at said shed. When it came to the beach and saving civilians, your issues with Hyunjin had to be put aside, and whether you wanted to admit it or not, he was a great lifeguard. It took a multiple person effort to lift the boat out and into the water.

“Update on the location? Over.”

“Y/n,” Felix replied, " must have been from the tower, “next to the south-west buoy 45 meters out. Be careful, the radar is showing for large volumes of blue bottles today, over.”

“No worries, I will keep you updated as much as possible.”

Chan turned the boat into gear, racing it out as fast as possible. It was somewhat hard to see, but the closer you got, the easier it was to see that the situation, while needed to be dealt with, was not an emergency.

“Hello, how are you today?”

The mother was responsive, helping herself and Chan grab her daughter and put her into the boat. The mother soon followed, resulting in a successful pickup of two civilians. Hyunjin hurried over to the child, giving her a small smile before asking for her name.

“Wow,” he gasped, patting her head, “that’s such a nice name.”

“Thank you,” she giggled, “what’s your name?”

“My name is Hyunjin, but you can call me Hyune, like the food.”

Her smile was greater than before, and you couldn’t help but follow yourself. You had no idea how good he was with kids, but he didn’t need to know that, knowing the compliment would go straight to his brain.

It was a short trip. Once you had arrived back to land, you got back on your radio to notify others that it had been sorted. 

“Attention, rescue was successful, Chan and Seungmin will return the equipment and Hyunjin and I will follow up and see if we can request a 907N, over.”

Hyunjin kneeled down to the little girl's height, that beautiful smile, wait beautiful, get ahold of yourself, still across his lips as he spoke to her again.

“Ok, so could you please point to me where it hurts.” 

The rescuing was the quick part, and there wasn't much time to determine on the boat especially since it was such a short distance out. She said nothing, tiny index finger pointing at her leg. You could see the bright red hue the sting the blue bottle had left behind. 

“Well we shouldn’t get you to walk on that, shall we?”

In one swift motion, Hyunjin lifted the little girl, carrying her bridal style to the first aid room. You couldn't help but stare at so many things. The patience he had for the child, how kind he was with children, the way his arms subtlety flexed while carrying her. The way he was making her laugh too. It was hard to not be distracted. 

The mother followed, closing the door behind her as Hyunjin closely inspected the sting. He analyzed it with much interest, making sure that it was not life threatening or just overall too serious. Your diverted attention made you completely forget how you treat a fresh sting. 

“Okay so, the first thing we like to do is apply pressure to it.”

On his knees to remain eye level with the child, Hyunjin lifted his arms above his head, out of all things he chose to use to apply said pressure was his yellow lifesaving shirt. Fuck, the other ways you could have him like this. It was so obnoxious, but you had to suppress the gasp that gurgled in your throat. God his body was fucking hot. So toned, so defined. He had such a lean, yet such a muscular torso. You could have sworn you saw Hyunjin smirk, him noticing your taking to his torso, but he knew better than to tease you while doing his job.

“Y/n, did you want to have a look at it before I apply some pressure?”

You raised your eyebrows, shaking your head to snap back into it before giving him a small “yes” and  kneeling down next to him. Hyunjin’s presence was as close as you have ever been before.The two of you all of a sudden were very near, faces separated by inches as you inspected the wound. He leaned in even closer before, ‘accidentally’ brushing your ear again before asking, “what do you think captain?”

The faint part of his breath lingering on your ear, and if you knew better, he was probably trying to set you off, and although you didn’t want to admit it, you knew that it was working.

“Okay so, it’s a pretty minor sting.” 

You stood up, running away from the nightmare that is being attracted to Hyunjin to speak candidly with the mother of the little victim.

“I would just monitor it for the next couple of days. If it gets worse at a rapid rate, head straight to the emergency at your nearest hospital, but-”

“It’s very rare for that to happen, we’ve never seen it here before.”

And he was back. The cocky, arrogant, overbearing lifegard you knew him for. The fact that he interrupted you made your blood boil. Here he was again, trying to undermine you because he simply thought he was too good for you, too good for everyone that works at Bondi beach.

“Yes,” you looked at him, shooting another dazzling death glare, “Hyunjin will get that bandaged up for you and then you guys should be good to go.”

“Ah ok thank you,” the mother replied, nodding as you exited and headed up to the communal lifeguard showers. You were not really wet, and yes the showers were to rinse off the salt water, but maybe a hot shower would help you rid yourself of the array of confusing emotions you were feeling. Stripping down to your bikinis, you closed the door to your stall, and let the steaming water pour over your body. A deep groan of bliss escaped your lips as the liquid hit your back, allowing you to self-reflect on how to remain calm. Today was just an off day, nothing else. I mean, if you’re attracted to Hyunjin, maybe it's a sign that you need to redownload tinder, get someone to jump your bones, and then come back to peace, again.

It didn’t take long, however, to be interrupted once again, hearing a phone call out in the hallway.

“Yeah, no Chan, it was chill, and y/n’s fine I think, she doesn’t seem off to me, does she seem off to you?”

You turned the water slightly lower, wanting to eavesdrop on the conversation.

“Dude, I don’t like y/n, she gets on my nerves so bad, will you stop trying to be a wingman all the time and focus on your own love life?” The chuckle that followed was a nervous one, anyone could hear that.

You were about to lose it, turning the lock on the stall before you heard the voice getting closer. Covering your mouth, you turned it off, able to hear the slight textured sound of him dropping his duffle bag discarding his clothes, hopping into the stall next to you.

“Chan I’m telling you, she is the most irritating person I have ever met.”

That’s it. You barged out of your stall, aggressively knocking on his before banging on his. He opened with a confused expression, quickly followed by a smirk, like he already knew he had been caught. Seeing you in a drenched state, he put his phone into his bag, wanting to avoid any water damage for the outburst he was about to unwillingly observe.

“Oh y/n, what a pleasant surprise, you look good.” A slight hint of heat could be felt in your cheeks at his dirty compliment.

“Do you always talk behind the back of your coworkers, or is it just me?”

You shut the door behind you, not wanting anyone to get the wrong idea. The only response he had was to chuckle. He stood there, swimming shorts only, turning around and letting the water splash his face, trickling down his, now that you’re looking straight at it, very wide and toned back. You watched each intricate movement from behind, admiring the way each finger tip ran through each strand of now damp hair. Every impulsive thought was telling you to touch it, feel the darkened locks against your fingertips: but you knew better. One thing would lead to another, and the last place you wanted it to be was right here in this very stall.

“Definitely just you.”

He turned back around, leaving you hung up against the door, a large factor that was accounting for the lack of distance between the two of you. Silence filled the room as you waited for him to reignite another conversation. Your breathing was shallow, and you knew that if he came closer, you were going to be in trouble.

“You know what Y/n? I have to ask you something.”

He lifted an arm, placing it on the door, equivalent to your eye-level.. He looked down on you, almost like he was checking you out yet simultaneously wanting to intimidate you.

“Don’t you ever get sick of this?”

“Sick of what?” You were genuinely confused as to what he meant, scoffing a little too loud.

“The hatred, if you could even call it that, for me?”

You scoffed in response, again. You knew what he was trying to imply, but he was so far off. It was hatred. How could it be anything else?

“It’s definitely hatred, don’t get that wrong. I hate you, you hate me, we ignore each other and only interact when necessary.”

“Then why aren’t you moving away from me?”

His body followed his hand, hips almost pressing up against yours. Fuck, he was right. A sharp inhale pushed into your throat, you suddenly felt nervous. Looking up at him felt like a dream. Hyunjin was so fucking hot, and maybe, the closer he got to you, it was true that it wasn’t hatred at all.

“You’ve trapped me in, I can’t escape.”

He said nothing, watching your eyes as he leaned forward, letting his lips attach themselves to yours. Your eyes went wide at first, thinking that you should pull away, but the longer it went on, the more you wanted it. Your lips began to move with vigor themselves, Hyunjin groaned into your mouth, you following,  allowing his body weight to fall into yours. You lifted your leg, guiding his hand on the outside of your thigh to lift it up. Your core was already throbbing, and you could tell after he lifted your leg, that it was having detrimental effects on him also. His semi-hard on could already be somewhat felt between your core, and you rolled your hips a little creating enough subtle friction in the perfect spot; the zipper of his shorts.  It wasn’t until you needed breath that when you parted and your brain stopped short-circuiting, and you realized where you were and what you’d done.

“What the fuck was that?”

Hyunjin brought a tumb to his lips, wiping the outer corner before chuckling at you.

“I was just proving to you y/n, this so-called ‘hatred’ you have for me.”

“Wow,” you scoffed, throwing your hands in the air, “you think that you can just fuck around with any girl you want? Well news flash, I’m your fucking boss, and if you think you can ever do that again, I’ll destroy you so fucking fast, you won’t know what hit you.”

“Hah,” he chuckled, a smirk still painted on his pride ridden face, “Getting destroyed by you sounds like a dream.”

Too flustered to even respond, you stormed out,  forgetting to dry yourself, putting your clothes that stuck to your wet body and going back on duty. What the fuck was that? A shiver of nausea came over you, knowing that you will never live this down. Tucking your hair behind your ears, you attempted to compose yourself, heading to the lookout. Chan was sitting there too, for some reason avoiding your eye contact.

“Hey Chan,” you swallowed hard, hoping he wouldn’t notice, “how’s every-”

“I heard it.”

Your heart dropped into your ass. Surely he wasn’t talking about what you thought he was.

“What? How, I-”

“I think Hyunjin thought he hung up, but he actually didn’t.”

“Fuck,” was all you could say. This could ruin everything. Your job, your reputation, your well known hatred for him. You weren’t even sure what it was anymore. Part of you cared so much about what other people thought, especially the guards at the beach, but the other part, the bigger part in this moment, didn’t give a fuck. The only thought lingering on your mind was his hands, how they seared across your skin. How they already were able to significantly impact you in such a small period of time. If you knew better, you would have thought that his palms were already imprinted on you. You were reeling but, the logic of being rational was too hard to even fathom trying to do at this moment.

“Yeah, look I don't know what goes on between you guys, and y/n tell me if i'm overstepping, but you say you hate him, but I really don’t think you hate him at all.”

You scrunch your nose, knowing that maybe what Chan said was true after all.

“Look, whatever you think, can we just go back to before like nothing ever happened, please.”

He laughed, knowing that this would be the route you wanted to take, “secret is safe with me.”

This little chat did not calm you down or relax you at all. If anything, the thought of Hyunjin on you was becoming heightened burning into the back of your brain. You wanted him. You wanted to be touched, bad. It just happened to be convenient that Hyunjin, a very attractive man, happened to crave touch at the same time.

“Fuck this,” you mumbled, “Chan I’m going on my break, if anything really serious, just let me know via the radio.”

He nodded, eyes stuck in his binoculars overlooking the beach. You walked back inside, hoping and praying that Hyunjin was still in there. You became excited, craving that feeling of being touched, caressed, held by him. Your mortal enemy; it was crazy. 

And the craziest things of them all? When you walked back into the showers, he left the door open, back resting on the wall stall, cock in hand, absolutely pumping himself to the full capacity. He was too caught up to even notice your arrival. The sight instantly made you horny, and the fact that he was probably thinking about you while he did it drove you up the wall. Getting in the stall, you closed it behind you, undressing yourself completely this time, standing there, waiting for him to notice. His lids were heavy and it took him a decent 30 seconds for him to see you back. 

“Fuck,” Hyunjin jumped, covering his member with his hands, fuck his cock was hot, “you fucking scared me.”

At first, he didn’t notice your lack of clothes, giving you direct eye contact in his fright. It did not take long for him to notice tho, subconsciously biting down on the big fucking juicy bottom lip. God you wanted to suck it. Leave it longing in your mouth as he pulled away, length tipping you over the edge.

“Shit,” he huffed, “I can’t fucking do this anymore.”

Hyunjin takes you by the waist, wrapping his arms around your back and he pulled up against the hardness of his body. His lips crashed against yours, and he moaned at the rough contact, the immatureness of him reeling in the way your tits pressed up against his chest. You were just as hungry, arms around his neck, hands and fingers acting on prior impulsive thoughts; god his hair was so soft.

“Fuck,” he pulled away in between, pecking you, “you’re so,” peck, “fucking,” peck, “hot I could die.”

You pulled away completely, giggling at his eagerness. You couldn’t help yourself, the hunger was consuming you. Without thought, you dropped to your knees,biting down on your lip while looking at his throbbing length in front of you. My god was he girthy. A hand on his balls, you began to massage, Hyunjin’s hands instantly fisting your hair into a very messy pony, grabbing what he could before his jaw became slack, gasping at the way your lips became wrapped around him. Although he had a decent length, giving head was your specialty, it was one of your favorite things to do. You tested the waters, flicking your tongue vigorously against his tip, before letting your lips wrap around him completely, more and more of his cock engulfing your mouth. Bobbing up and down at an extremely slow pace, your eyes were glued to Hyunjin’s face, gratified in how easy it was to make him shut the fuck up and be grateful for something, in this case, the something being your mouth. Your tongue, all the warm parts of your mouth that made him rock hard. Made him jerk off thinking about you. A sigh of relief waved over you when you saw his eyes roll back, mouth very much agape the lower you sank into him.

“Holy shit baby,” he grunted, head still affirmatively back, hips gently rocking into your mouth, “you’re so good at that.”

You pulled him out of your mouth for a moment, a large ‘pop’ at the full release, your left hand quickly replacing your lips as you began to pump at a very slow pace. The arousal for yourself was increasing at a rapid pace, uncontrollable. You took your other hand off of his balls, index finger flicking your nipples for any kind of self stimulation. A tiny giggle escaped your lips, reaching Hyunjin’s ear and snapping him back to reality. He moved your hand off of him, reluctantly, before hooking his hand round your elbows, lifting you up and pinning you against the wall of the stall. This frustrated you, feeling like the power was being taken away from you. If only you knew that if you kept blowing him, he would have cum, and the fun would have been over way too quickly for you. He pinned you down, enclasping both wrists in one hand. Fuck. All control of your limbs was now in his hands, literally. His typical ego fueled, pride ridden glare was back on his face, and oh, was he ready to get his revenge on you.

“Slow and steady wins the race, right?”

“You’re such a fucking bitch,” you growled, core throbbing at the combination of condescending tone in his voice. Part of you felt bad for teasing as you enjoyed the way he submitted his body to your hand and mouth, but then, Hyjunin’s torturous teasing of his words triggered a playback of every single time that he was an asshole to you. Every single time he called you a name, undermined you to civilians and other staff, the shit talking to the junior guards especially. The fact that he used to so openly talk about all the women he fucked, how they had him begging his name, cumming all over his face. That was the last straw. 

Hyunjin shoved his tongue down his throat, generously lifting the restrain on your hands, his left hand now encompassing the circumference of your neck, other and dragging itself across your torso. The sting of his nails were already felt, but it only increased your arousal. Hyunjin somehow managed to be rough yet delicate at the same time. You knew that if you looked down, there would be a multitude of red streaks, but that was not what was important right now.

It was the way the hand around your neck immediately went to your mouth to muffle the crescendo of moans that escaped your lips when he pulled away and his calloused fingertips slipped underneath your waist, stretching your pussy lips before dipping his middle finger right along your clit. The circular motions, like yours, were long and drawn out. So petty he was. Nevertheless, it still made you moan just as hard, biting down on your bottom lip once more. Fuck, nothing had ever felt so good before.

“That shut you up,” he chuckled with a more sinister raspiness to it, “you’re lucky we’re in the shower and I can’t tell how wet you are.”

“Yeah, fucking right,” you huffed, gentle griding your hips on his fingers. It was easier to deny it than accept that he, Hyunjin, the one man you hate, was able to make you feel this good. He withdrew them for a moment, spitting on his own hand before removing the other from your muffled mouth, prodding them at your own. You opened eagerly, moaning at the taste of his bodily fluid. At any other point in time, you would repulse at the motion, but right now, nothing was as important as this. You bobbed your finger with ease against the long digits, but it wasn’t for long, because they went straight back into your folds, an index finger slipping almost too easily into your hole.

“Fuck Hyunjin,” you bellowed, “I fucking hate that you’re making me feel this good.”

An expression of satisfaction dripped across his face as he sped up the pace of his finger, adding a second as the sound of skin slapping increased. You reached around, reattaching your fingertips to his cock. A nervous laugh and a hip shudder came from the man next to you, not expecting you to be so bold, yet he expected it at the same time. He knew you couldn’t stand when someone attempted to be better than you at anything.

“Stop making this a competition,” he huffed, “you know you’re going to lose.”

“No, I’m-fuck, no I’m not.”

But that’s exactly what it was. Who could make the other cum first. A sharp whine escaped your lips, followed by a deep moan from himself, it was your goal to have him cumming all over you. Ropes of his seeds coating your stomach, tits, face, lips. You had never wanting something this much from a man. The two of you were at your loudest, but you simply didn’t care. If someone heard, it was just going to be a whatever moment. It’s not like anyone would know who it was anyway, or maybe not, because you were moaning his name every time he thrusted into you.

“You’re so path-shit, pathetic y/n, I knew you always wanted me.”

“Shut up,” you hissed back. He withdrew his hands from your cunt, placing them on your hips spinning you around, ass now facing him. His cock was pressed in between your cheeks as he began to slowly move, the slight sensation on your rim making your toes curl. Your hands were wrapped around his back. It would have looked awkward to an outside person, but you didn’t care. You needed to be close to him.

“You know when I realized it was the first time I wanted you?”

“When,” you breathed, heavy, almost like you were out of breath from running in to save a life, “when did you want to fuck me?”

He ignored, taking your hands off of him and pinning them together once more, above your head. He continued his teasing motions, but maneuvered himself intellectually, cock now slipping in between your folds, tip barely hitting your clit. Although it was painfully tortuous, it still felt so good, rewarding almost. You waited in anticipation, desperate to hear his answer. It made you curious, because you were asking yourself. What switched in his brain? What flip switched on your own? How your cognitions led you to this moment. It didn’t matter, because your brain was short circuiting. You couldn’t see him, but you were dying to. Wanted to see how he looked. Hin losing himself to the pleasure of your pussy. 

“The first time you yelled at me,” he grunted, taking a hand off your wrists and stroking his length, prodding at your entrance. He took no time to tease you though, sliding  effortlessly between your folds. The sound was immense, and there had to be an echo that traveled. You could see Hyunjin’s side profile, head bowing and licking a gentle stripe up the crevice of your neck, spine shuddering at the wet sensation.

“You know what I really thought?”

You said nothing, a giant fear that it would be only a surmount of broken words. Instead, you let his dick do the talking, whining when he pushed his hips back, pulling away from you completely. Your pussy was now aching, and you could definitely tell that you were dripping for more. Hyunjin was clearly merciless when it came to you, and not giving you what you wanted.  

“Oooh,” Hyunjin mumbled, lips buzzing on the skin along your shoulder, “this pussy is so sweet I just know it?”

“Yeah?”

“Yes, I wanna fucking taste that fucking cunt so bad.”

It was ironic how his cursing was getting you embarrassed, almost like you forgot that the was about to fuck you. He who you said you hated, who you would rather do almost anything else for than give Hyunjin that satisfaction. The gratification to know how you feel, what kind of lover you are, how your cunt felt against him. But things had changed, and there was nothing you wanted more than all of that. You were desperate trying anything and everything to increase the friction considering that Hyunin was moving painfully slowly.

The truth is, Hyunjin had been waiting to get this for a very long time. To get you. Yeah I mean, the few times the senior guards went out together and you hooked up with other guys, left early and went home with them was tough for him, but you weren’t together. Although a long time ago, he used to get so worked up, and he didn’t know why. He still found you almost intolerable, which is why it was easier to hate you, because if he did like you, he would fall down the rabbit hole at a world breaking speed. He knew that when, no, if the moment came, that it would be sweet, but he didn’t know it was going to be this good. You exceeded his expectations tenfold, especially the way you sucked his cock. His hips were gyrating faster unconsciously, and knew he could come right that second the more he thought about it.

“Hyunjin,” you whined, “harder, please.”

He ignored you, completely pausing before letting go of your wrists and flipping you around. The first thing he did was slide his body right against yours, thigh splitting your legs open, the gentle friction against your clit making you moan. Hyunjin had never looked so fucking hot in his life. You had seen him wet, many times, but this was different. The beads of liquid spayed his face, drenching his long hair, but his eyes, lips. They were so hungry, disheveled, like he was a predator hunting his prey. He reattached his lips to yours, crashing down as his hand snaked back around your neck. He didn’t even know if you were okay with it, but it didn't matter when you lifted your hand yourself, pushing your fingertips against his as he kissed you. The multitude of sounds that came from your mouth as the result of the tension between your core and Hyunjin’s thigh poured into his mouth, leaving him to wrap his free hand around his cock. He began pumping, pulling away and wasting no more time to plunge his cock deep inside of you. Oh my, it could be humiliating how easily he slipped inside of you.

“Say my name,” he growled, applying more pressure to your neck, “say it out loud.”

“Hyunjin,” you whined, tone pretty quiet as you concentrated on not clenching around him, “Hyunjin fuck.”

“So fucking sweet,” he continued to grunt, picking up his pace to an even greater speed, “that’s my favourite way to hear it.”

You brought your free hand up to his body, raking your digits over his washboard torso. My god he was fit. You wanted to slap yourself, wondering why you spent, no, wasted so much time hating him. He chuckled, the deepest he ever has, clearly enjoying how your fingers felt on him. Your mind, being a visual person, went back to the mental imagery of him jerking off in front of you. It was eating your mind up as he continued to fuck you unapologetically.

“Was it me?”

“What?”

“Fuck,” you chuckled, “I can’t speak. Were you-fuck, thinking of me?”

“When y/n,” he scoffed, rhythm getting distracted by your poor attempt at a question, “you’re gonna have to be more specific.”

“When you were jerking your cock?”

“Yes,” he answered confidently, his cock was in you and it would probably be more awkward if he just denied it, “it was because of you.”

Your pussy clenched, The idea was so hot, Making a man that went out of his way to piss you off and vice versa became so enamored with you. So much so that he couldn't wait until he got home and had to relieve himself at work. You thanked the upper powers that nothing serious was happening at the beach, because you would have been a raging horny bitch, even more than what Hyunjin would consider you to be on a normal day.

He was moving at an unfathomable rate, and moaned softly each time you clenched around him. You knew you couldn’t last for much longer, and the thought of him getting off to you was accompanying you at this moment. Hyunjin took his hand off your throat, one hand on his hip for more precision, the other enclasping your nipples, and fuck, did he get your weak spot.

“You have beautiful tits,” he grunted, lips latching onto them like his life depended on it. He flicked his tongue back and forth, causing the most unholy of moans. Locking your hand into his scalp, you yanked him closer, back up to his lips before smashing them against his. You want to feel him now as close as you can, because once this was over, you weren’t sure if you would even be able to reenact the same feeling. 

When you pulled away, Hyunjin’s bottom lip caught between your teeth as you lingered, more than enjoying the way they were so big, they popped when escaping your teeth. You were getting closer, unable to control the clenching that your pussy was doing. Hyunjins hissed, the tight sensation doing so much for him.

“Fuck Hyunjin, I’m so close.”

“Me too baby,” Hyunjin whined, adjusting his hips, “fuck I’m gonna blow so hard.”

“Yeah baby?”

Your hands were across his face, once under his chin and the other on top of his chin, wrapped across his cheek. It was a sloppy placement, but it was the least of your concerns as the pit of your orgasm is brewing at the pit of your stomach.  

“Yeah Y/n, fuck,” he mumbled under your palm, sounding like he was on the verge of tears, “wanna blow in you.”

“Fuck, that’s so hot,” it was your turn to growl, knowing Hyunjin was slightly losing himself inside of you, “do it.”

His eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. It was his biggest fantasy, especially when it came to you. The thought of you walking around at work, cum stuffed into your cunt, and he was the only one that would know it. He could not count the endless times he thought about it.

“Are you fucking serious?”

“No I’m fucking joking.”

“Fuck keep going,” he moaned, too fucked out to keep up with your sarcastic tone, “I’m about to cum so fucking hard.”

“Yes,” you sighed, “fill me up baby.”

“I’m gonna fucking fill you up.”

“Yes you are.”

“Shit, fuck yes I am,” he grunted, thrusts becoming very erratic, “you’re so fucking beautiful.”

He gave you one last peck, never breaking eye contact as he watched your jaw slack, the most gruesome moan falling from your lips as he watched your orgasm roll over you. Crashing like a tidal wave. Your hips bucked against him, increasing the pleasure for Hyunjin as he came in you momentarily, a similar sound coming from his lips as the two of you rode out your high. The feeling of his seed making you clench unfathomably around him. You ran your hand through his hair again, pushing the hair off his forehead to see his face in this form completely. You cooed him through it, wimping when you felt the loss of him inside of you as he withdrew himself.

Reality washed back over you and it hit you that you've just had sex, with a coworker (that you hate’), in the work environment. Hyunjin bends down and picks your bathing suit, two pieces, up from the floor, that intractable smirk covering his face. They hung of his index finger, a gentle reminder that you were very naked

“Fuck,” you laughed, unable to get rid the smile on your face, “I should be so mad at you, but you were really fucking good.”

“You don’t need to say anything, hearing you moan my name was enough.”

Rolling your eyes, you redressed yourself quickly, waiting for him to do the same. You punched him in the chest, interrupting him from putting his shirt back on.

“For fucks sake, you’re incorrigible, just take the fucking compliment and shut up.”

“Fine,” he replied sarcastically, coughing after to clear his throat, “we probably shouldn’t walk out together, might be suspicious.”

“Oh yeah,” your eyebrows furrowed, attempting to be serious, “good idea colleague.”

He let you out first, however you still waited for him, not really seeing the big deal in walking out to the lookout together.

“You know Chan heard the first part of our, you know, situation.”

“Fuck,” he cursed, “I thought I hung up.”

You laughed.

“It’s fine, he was already petrified of looking at me, imagine he heard the rest.”

He chuckled at your words, playfully hitting your arm as the two of you walked out. You sat next to Chan for the final time of the day, giving you a suspicious look at the fact that you and Hyunjin were laughing together. As you sat there, you tried to focus on the beach and the beach goers, but all you could think about was him.

[weebsinstash]

Babe! A new Helluva Boss episode just dropped! And Ozzie and Fizz are just so goddamn cute! 😍😭 and Ozzie is such a sweetheart! (I hope he’s genuinely such a softie and not playing an act, we need more softie demons).

Can we please talk about Yandere! Ozzie again? Pretty please with a shit ton of sprinkles on top? 🥺

Bestie thank youuuu I watched that shit immediately and I have so many thoughts

This episode actually shows a big reason why I haven't really published a lot for like, Ozzie or Valentino in terms of actual fics because, my take on Ozzie's personality based purely off his debut appearance would've been a lot more different and now we see that, bro he's, suave yeah, but also, a huge green flag lovable cinnamon roll dork??? Valentino, we only have seen so much of. To be honest the way he's been presented seems to sway from "scary as fuck during gangster business stuff" to "he's kind of a ratchet ho, actually" and I'm not, entirely super confident writing stuff for him because like, I'm more of, assuming? I can't, analyze his character like I can for other characters with more material out for them.

For real though, my current stance on this matter is: Asmodeus, you could go to him and ask for his knowledge and advice on like genuine issues or things you're curious or concerned about like, legit you could sit down and have STD talks with this man ("h-hey Ozzie is it normal to have xyz on my you know what" "oh honey yes that's just like a blood blister from friction you're fine" "oh my god ok good because I was worried it was cancer" "HONEY NO 😩") meanwhile fucking Valentino over here would be like "bitch why you got cellulite" and like make backhanded comments like, oh maybe he could reward you with a boob job instead of your next paycheck (as in like, cosmetic surgery 💀 you know I've thought about that? Yan Valentino who's crazy for ya but, not crazy enough to not make certain, tweaks to your actual body. Maybe he dyes your hair or has it styled a specific way and basically refuses to let you do whatever you want with it. Gets your boobs or ass done. Makes you get fillers/botox for any wrinkles/static lines. Controlling your wardrobe is a must. You're like his little.... pursedog)

(That being said though. I'd still let him hit 😩 reader who gets drunk and fucks around and finds out--)

Anyways though, over here in our corner we believe in unapologetic self indulgence and I still believe a Reader who has magical abilities or powers and whatnot and can travel the rings through whatever convoluted means is a fun time. So. We're gonna do that! I mean. Asmodeus honestly seems chill enough that even if you like, somehow crashed into his club, as long as you were polite and respectful, he'd be chill with letting your hang around, maybe even getting a kick out of teasing you (but never pushing anything too far unless you show interest, and if you show any discomfort or trauma he backs off to re-strategize). I imagine his club would actually be pretty fun? Drinks, live music, although, kind of makes me wonder, how openly horny is this place? Probably not like "coochie in your face" like working for Valentino, so, Reader could even be all "honestly this is such a much more safe welcoming environment to engage in like sexuality" and Ozzie hears this and its like, dude. You might as well have just struck him through the heart with cupids own arrow, but, also, he's curious, what other places have you been?

I'm kind of convinced that if a little imp cunt like Crimson thinks he has the balls to stand up against Ozzie, hostage or not, I kinda feel like. Valentino would probably openly treat Asmodeus like shit. He'd probably be a catty fucking bitch to him. He probably looks at Ozzie as like, a diet coke version of himself, a version who has so much power but doesn't go far enough, and probably scoffs at Asmodeus' romantic attachment (even though Val has some weird on-off thing with Vox himself). Valentino doesn't give two fucks about consent and would probably openly mock Ozzie'e values

Or. They could be big business partners because, maybe there's some sort of inter-Ring porn trafficking pipeline or something, smuggling the good shit up from Lust and trading it with stuff from Sinners, who have more visual variety besides other perks etc

But just picture, Asmodeus and Fizz are, minding their own biz, at the club, chilling, listening to music, eating food vaguely shaped like clocks, and Ozzie's cell rings, and they're both like "aw I bet Reader's calling to say they're having fun at that party or whatever" but they answer it and you're like, hiding in the bathroom or a closet or something, crying, whispering under your breath "d-do you still have a place for me to stay like you said before 🥺 Valentino is really, REALLY drunk tonight and he's really scaring me, he grabbed me and--"

They're both at your exact location in like less than 5 minutes and maybe have to play it off, Ozzie distracting Val while Fizz steals you away, or, juicier, like. Imagine Val snatching your phone from your hand, going through your messages, "who the fuck have you been talking to?" And he pulls like the classic abusive boyfriend move and when he sees you're in frequent contact with someone named "Ozzie" he calls him from your phone and as soon as a male voice picks up, they're both going at it "bitch who the fuck are you?" "Bitch who the fuck are YOU?" "Why you got my baby's number?" "Why do YOU have MY baby's PHONE???" "I'm about to HAVE my foot up your ass, you--" like, you know what I mean? Asmodeus is rolling up and these two are all but butting heads with each other as you have to awkwardly explain how you know both of them and of course, suddenly there's a not quite comfortable conversation about which one of them you... "belong to", neither of them wanting to leave you with the other (although I imagine in a physical fight Asmodeus would win but Valentino would have homefield advantage involving his security dudes)

Either way like.... oh my god watching them lounge in that nice big bed together. Fizz being on Ozzie's chest, like. Give me that 😩😩😩 "oh Reader, baby, so glad you took up our offer for a place to crash, but, since it was so short notice it'll have to be with us tonight" type shit and like you're fine with that but then bedtime comes and. There's Literally Only One Bed. And you're like ok you know what I'm not really in a position to be ungrateful, Valentino could have actually fucking hurt me or trafficked me or whatever, but, you're still small enough that Asmodeus could hypotheticallyyyy just, reach an arm over and scoop up you into his chest for a cuddle, or just have you in the crook of his arm like a cat or a teddy bear. Ozzie definitely sees an immediate perk on Fizz not being so much of a troll as to give you the airhorn treatment your first morning there, so, obviously, they have, multiple motivations to, keep urging you to stay 👀 after all, Val is going to be looking for you in the Pride Ring, and you don't have any other friends, so, you're kind of stuck with their whims aren't you? Unless you try to run off on your own, and I mean. Really. They can just hire someone to bring you back lmao. Or get you themselves. Could you imagine feeling way you uncomfortable around them and slipping away and suddenly you find a little white demon dog on wheels happily rolling up to you out of nowhere and it's. Fucking tracking you for Fizzarolli and Asmodeus, like. Damn, can't even trust the dogs in Hell. Demon dogs in Ohio be like

Anyways idk I just like the idea of like. Combining several ideas, you do the whole "accidentally did the whole Death Fall From The Sky and crash into Vals sunroof, he keeps you in servitude because you have to repay him, eventually you Fall into Lust and you start basically doing double jobs at both clubs and prefer Ozzie and he eventually has to rescue you". Also like Valentino "canonically" humiliates his partners on social media so I can imagine he's just publicly belittling and negging you all the time. One second you're happy at Ozzie's listening to music and eating unholy amounts of onion rings with your quirky well intentioned clown friend, the next week Asmodeus sees a Sinstagram post where Valentino is just like "cutie was whining she couldn't get any tips so I helped her out 😜🤭🍈🍈" and its just. A photo of you in your work uniform where he clearly just reached forward and tore open the front of your blouse and he is just. Full on deadass without any hint of irony making you basically work in your bra and he's just without any remorse posting photos of your running mascara and you're clearly crying but what can you do?

Val posting a photo of him literally shoving a tip INTO your bra, his FINGERS in there, and other like little clips and snippets of him demeaning you while you're like actually fucking blubbering "and make sure to get me extra ice!" "*sobbing noises*" "I didn't hear a REPLY! Do I need to take some of those nice tips I'm helping you make?" "N n noOo I'm sorry" "sorry WHAT?" "M sorry mister Valentino, I'm sorry, I'll get your drink right away mister Valentino" and Val is just slapping your ass HARD as you turn to leave like and just laughing like this is the most fun he's ever had

like I feel like Asmodeus realistically would only be able to do so much IN Pride itself (because would You show up in your boss' turf doing your own shit? Big risk) BUT, I mean. You go down to Lust and you're basically fair game. You show up to your next shift after The Boob Incident and Ozzie's like "giiiiiiiirl imma keep it real with you, I know you wanna try and be independent but I got some concerns--" and he's barely even halfway through it before you're just, TEAR EXPLOSION, "i hate working for him, I HATE IT, I wanna work HERE full time, but I don't have a place to staAaaAaay" and just. Some UGLY crying because you're at wits end

Zero hesitation here's Asmodeus "Sweetie what kind of apartment do you want??? You want a penthouse? I can get you a penthouse?? You want some shopping money?? Tell Big O whatever you need." and the next thing you know Valentino is scrolling through Sinastagram and has to do a double take as your account starts posting all kinds of photos of you looking cute and having fun and, poolside in a bathing suit and you're becoming more comfortable with your body and your sexuality and, he's thirsty absolutely, goes to try and tease you or make fun of you and you're just like "you wanna fuck me so bad it makes you look stupid" and just ignore him as Val is forced to watch you pal around with Asmodeus (either as just friends or total fuck buddies like, deadass catch me out here "hey so, there's this position I've always wanted to try--")

[jezabelle9299]

Nightmare Cure S.R x Reader

Authors Notes: Exceedingly long rambles of a person with too much time on their hands. 2.5k words, reader does clerical work in the building, fluff, some angst, mentions of nightmares, loss of a parent (father) as a teenager, reader with hair long enough to braid, and Spencer with hair long enough to pull back (Jesus Reid save me), kind of mentions when he was carrying around hair ties all the time. Mutual pining, idiots in love, all that good stuff.

Working in the FBI building was interesting to say the least. You did clerical work, as far from the danger as possible, and that was how you liked it. Working on the same floor as the BAU, sometimes you got to chat when they were in the office. You liked all of them but you definitely had a favorite, Dr. Spencer Reid. You talked to him the most, and perhaps also pined for him in a totally casual, not at all weird way that you would never speak of, especially not to your lovely, and also very nosey coworkers. Something was different with him though. The dark circles around his eyes were larger, he was walking past your desk to get to the coffee maker far more frequently, and he just had this sullen look about him that made your heart break. 

One afternoon, when most of the others in the office had left early before the holiday weekend, you followed him to the kitchen as he passed your desk. 

“Spencer?”

“Hey. What’s up?’ He looked to you while blindly piling sugar into his coffee mug. 

“I was just wondering, are you ok? I mean as much as you can be?”

He was nervous and you worried you said the wrong thing, making things worse. Maybe he didn’t think you guys were that close? Before you could spiral, or make an attempt to retract your questions he sets down the sugar and clears his throat.

 “Oh-uh I’m ok, just trouble sleeping you know? Can’t really relax at night.”You knew he was talking about nightmares. They were common with the field agents, but no one ever talked about them openly. You’d had your share, although yours didn’t come from the job. 

“Oh. I had similar problems once, i-if you want I could kind of show you my routine that helped? I have a guest bedroom if you wanted to try. Only if you’re comfortable, of course.”

“That sounds nice, thank you y/n, really.” He was certain that anything that had helped you wouldn’t help him. If he couldn’t fall asleep in his own bed, a new place wouldn’t help. But he pined for you as you did for him, so he wasn’t going to turn down a chance to spend more time with you, especially at your house. He wanted to know everything about you, and he appreciated that you wanted to help him in the first place. 

Ok! If you want to come to my house at like 6:30, I’ll cook?”

“ I wouldn’t miss it for the world.” He had a faint blush and you really hoped it was a good blush, not a scared one. He was so cute. You’d just finished your paperwork, and it was already 5 o’clock so you had to get ready. 

You stopped by the store to get the supplies for dinner, you really hoped he liked it. It was almost 6 by the time you put everything away so you cleaned up as much as possible, putting fresh sheets on the bed in the spare room and getting out everything that brought you comfort during your bout of nightmares. Yours came from the death of your father, that happened soon after the death of many of your grandparents. You couldn’t imagine his nightmares, with the things that he saw everyday, but you hoped these things would help him, at least a little bit. Soft blankets, lavender candies, and a candle you thought he might like, all stacked neatly on a chair in the corner of the room. The candle was supposed to smell like old books, and you’d light it soon, that way it’d already fill the room by the time he arrived. 

6 o’clock came and went so you started cooking, setting the table while everything got started. 6:30 on the dot his car pulled up in the driveway, and out came dr.Reid, with an overnight bag and-oh my god. He brought flowers, more specifically he brought your favorite flowers, even though you had never told him. You checked on dinner as he walked up the drive so that you wouldn’t forget as soon as you saw him. 

You opened the door and he just stared for a second. “Uh-sorry-hi, you look nice”

You were wearing a dress, but this one was much more casual, and with gym shoes instead of the heels you typically wore to the office since you were still buzzing around the kitchen. Because of the messiness of what you were cooking you had an apron tied around your waist. He was still dressed in his 3-piece suit he wore to the office today. 

“Oh, thank you, you do too-but I hope you brought something more comfortable in that bag.” When he looked back down at his back he remembered the flowers he was still holding.

These are for you! -You know as a thank you, for helping me. I asked Garcia for your favorite, I hope you like them.” He awkwardly grabbed them so he could hold them out to you, and you stifled a giggle at his flustered attempt to hand them to you as you accepted them. You started to turn as you opened the door wider, welcoming him in. 

“They’re perfect, thank you, Spencer. And please come in, the guest bedroom is the second on the left if you want to set your stuff down while I put these in some water and finish up dinner?” He gave a quick nod and a tight smile as he started down the hall, while you buzzed through the kitchen, first finishing seasoning the food, and then putting the flowers he got you in water. You still couldn’t believe he got you flowers. 

When he came back through the hall you discard the apron on its usual hook, and set the food on the table. As you eat you make small talk about your days, until he changes the subject. “You mentioned earlier you had the same problem, what was causing your nightmares?” Instantly you became uncomfortable, you were really hoping he wouldn’t ask, although you should’ve known better.

“Ah, Dr.Reid the profiler, I should have guessed you’d ask.” You made an attempt to laugh it off, but he only focused on you more. You cleared your throat, ready to get this over with. 

“When I was 17, a few days before my 18th birthday my father died. Heart attack, totally unexpected. It took a while for the nightmares to start, but once they did it took a long time to get rid of them. That’s why I developed this whole elaborate routine, anyway. They were mostly you know existential everyone I’ve ever loved will be ripped away from me without a chance to say goodbye kind of stuff. Super fun I know.” You made another attempt at laughing off the discussion and this time he got the message. He gave you a reassuring smile, and changed the subject. 

“What comes next in the amazing Y/N goodnight routine?” He got up from the table and ever the gentleman, he offered a hand to you to help you up from your seat. You got your excitement back instantly, beaming up at him, ready to get to the next thing, your favorite part.

“Oh get ready, it’s movie time!” He looked relieved at your smile coming back as you did a little wiggle, as though you just couldn’t contain your happiness anymore.

“Yeah? What are we watching?” He barely got out through his little laughs. It wasn’t a full laugh, but more of a shaky exhale he smiled all the way through. 

“Well when I started I watched Say Anything on a near repeat- but this is your night so I picked something I hope you’ll like. To get the full effect though these outfits aren’t going to work at all. Go get into your pajamas, and I’ll grab the movie.” You quickly cleared the dishes into the sink first, and then bounced down the hallway to your room with Spencer laughing as he trailed behind you. It felt so domestic, and if this was what it was like to be in a relationship with him, any girl he dated would be the luckiest girl in the world. 

You threw on a t-shirt and some striped pajama shorts, then went to your bookshelf and grabbed the dvd you thought he’d most like. When you were walking back to the living room, you set the dvd down on a small table lining the hall. You attempted to stop in the bathroom to grab a hair tie, but when you walked in Spencer was already standing at the sink. 

“Oh-Sorry!” You started stammering, even though he wasn’t doing anything. Just standing at the mirror, with his glasses on the sink trying to get out his contacts. 

“Oh it’s ok, I just wanted to get my contacts out before we started. I know it freaks some people out. It’s Ommetaphobia, fear of things touching the eyes. It’s pretty common and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No-I don’t mind, I just needed to grab a hair tie, I didn’t mean to get in your space.” You reached past him to grab two from the counter next to his glasses and then quickly put them on your wrist and separated your hair. He watched you in the mirror as you started to braid, until you finished the first one. You let yourself take in what he was wearing, a blue star trek t-shirt, and some black doctor who pajama pants. They were so wonderfully him. As you tied it off the braid, his eyes snapped back to his own in the mirror and he quickly swapped his contacts for glasses, looking away from the mirror as he removed them, as he wasn’t completely sure that it wouldn’t bother you. As you tied off the second braid your eyes followed him in the mirror. He had his glasses on, a look you loved but hardly ever saw. 

He looked back at you and smiled, before turning back and grabbing a hair tie from his own wrist and in possibly the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, pulled his own hair back, into a small ponytail as he walked back into the hall.

When you made your way back to the living room Spencer was already there, looking at all of your books like they were the most interesting thing in the world. When he looked back at you, you made a big show of holding up the dvd. It was called Forbidden Planet, it was sci-fi and even if it was extremely old and the effects were outdated you hoped he liked it. His face lit up as soon as he saw it, and you knew you made the right choice. 

“That was my favorite movie when I was a kid-I’d watch it all the time, How did you-? It’s almost impossible to find.” Tears were welling up in his eyes and your heart broke. He was going home with that dvd. You wanted to tell him how you thought of him, and hold him, but you didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. Not tonight, this was about him. You settled for a “I hoped you’d like it” and a gesture for him to sit while you set it up. 

While you watched the movie he told you everything, and if he was anyone else you’d think he couldn’t possibly be paying attention at the same time. He told you about how it was made, how it affected the sci-fi genre, and every other fun fact he could think of. You were happy to listen. When the credits rolled the clock on your phone read 10pm-a little early, but you knew he needed the sleep.

“Party’s over doctor, it’s time to get ready for bed.” He gave an overdramatic pout, but got up. You stood together while brushing your teeth, only having one bathroom forcing domestic bliss. You continued talking to him while you turned off lights and made sure the door was locked.

 “I swear if you need anything let me know, my door is literally always open, I can’t sleep with it closed.” You turned away from the hall, away from the bedroom he was standing in as he put his work phone on the charger from his bag. You put on a record of classical piano quietly to help you both sleep as you remembered the pile of stuff for him on the chair. “I almost forgot- on that chair in the corner, there’s some stuff for you if you want it- if you’re still having trouble I mean, the lavender is supposed to help you sleep. I read this thing that said it produces these chemical compounds that act essentially as sedatives, figured it was worth a try. 

He knew. He already read articles on different theories for helping insomniacs sleep. But something about how you said it, how you set things out you thought he’d like, how you took care of him. It was too much for him. He was glad you weren’t in there, that you couldn’t see him. He didn’t want you to see him cry, and if you looked at him with that sweet smile, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from asking for what he really wanted. He wanted to tell you how he felt, to tell you what this meant to him, to hold you while you slept.

But you were too good. Too sweet. He didn’t want to make you uncomfortable, he knew even if he overstepped you were too nice to tell him, especially at this hour. You had a tendency to do that- putting others before yourself to ungodly degrees, and he wanted you to feel more comfortable than that. In the morning he would tell you. When you could ask him to leave without sending him away in the dark, because he was sure that you wouldn’t like someone like him. You were perfect. 

But tonight was enough. He got to see what it was like, if he had been someone you loved. You both said a quick goodnight, with a promise to see each other in the morning. For the first night in months he slept peacefully. Maybe all the ritual and routine helped, but it was mostly just you. You cared, and he got to have you as the last face he saw at night. He got to fall asleep in a bed that smelled like you, with your books on the walls and your music playing, and it was perfect. He loved you, and he just had to get up the courage to say it. 

That was the first of many nights Spencer stayed with you, and the last one he slept in the guest bedroom. He still had nightmares- sometimes, but you were always there to comfort him with a reassuring touch. Most nights he had dreams, and he dreamt about you the most. 

[prettyboysdontlookatexplosions]

one thing that's been percolating in my mind about mina and her relationship to women's history this time through is that like... it can be tempting (for me too!) from a contemporary perspective to kind of think as "traditional" and "progressive" as opposite sides of a spectrum upon which women can be linearly placed in terms of their beliefs. but it's a little more complicated than that, obviously. mina i think can be a little jarring to the modern reader because she is as a person obviously so independent, bright, curious, and hard-working, but her vocational ambitions as expressed in the text are limited to supporting her future husband, and i think there can be a tendency to sort of slot her as like, "ok, well, she's a little bit progressive, but not that far along," or whatever, and there's, again, a lot we can do to unpack that, but for me there are two things that have been coming up for me revisiting the topic on my second time through (disclaimer: i'm an idiot with a blog who doesn't know anything about anything & if any actual experts want to weigh in please do! also if anyone has any accessible readings on the new woman please do @ me because that phrase is it turns out fucking ungoogleable):

(1) i think it's important to remember that for all human beings on earth ever, there's not a simple unidirectional relationship between internal beliefs and external action/reality, nor do beliefs come out of nowhere or out of some ether from which we pluck ideas out of pure abstraction. a lot of looking at women's history is looking at how women chose to navigate the options available to them, which both inform ideology and also make it frankly sometimes just not that important. a book that really powerfully shaped the way i think about this stuff is kathy peiss's cheap amusements: working women and leisure in turn of the century new york. the way she explores her source material for that space and time really brought home to me that it's very difficult as a woman who came of age (for example) in the US after second wave feminism to really understand just how beside the point the question of "what do i as an individual believe about women's role in society" was for (as just one example) many women in that location, class, and period. it just doesn't matter compared to things like being able to pay your rent, or being able to afford a night out once in a while - which might mean letting a guy pay your way not because you think it's "the man's job" but because you don't make enough to go out with your own money ever - so maybe you do think it's the man's job but it's not because of some like disembodied attachment to traditional gender roles, it's because the men are the ones with the fucking money!

anyway. different place, different class position, slightly later period, but the general principles from that book have really stayed with me and have been echoing thinking about mina. like: how much does an assistant schoolmistress in 1890s london make? i'm not an expert but willing to bet it's not a lot? she's an orphan, actively aware that she and jonathan have only what they can cobble together. if she remains in the professional world after her marriage, who does the labor of running a two-person household - something we here on tumblr complain in 2023 is difficult if everyone has a full-time job, and which was much more difficult with more than a century's progress in domestic technology still to go (and this isn't getting into childrearing). would their combined incomes be enough to afford a domestic servant? idk shit about the economic position of late victorian women so these are not questions i am presenting as having ostensibly "obvious" answers - i really don't know. but i think these are things that are worth considering when we think about mina, her ambitions, & her relationship to shifting cultural currents (which were really shifting quite quickly - the "new woman" was such a recent coinage at the book's publication that if you assume, for example, that the epilogue is meant to take place in its publication year, the events of the novel precede its first appearance in print), and i think it's just never really quite as simple as "well this is what she Believed." our world makes our beliefs at least as much as the other way around.

(2) the other thing that's been in my head is that in a more contemporary framework of how gender operates, it is easy to assume the dichotomy of technology/science/jobs/boy stuff vs. domesticity/home/housewife/girl stuff extends backwards throughout time forever. but, first off, domestic labor is labor and mina is still very much looking ahead at a life of working full time - just not at getting paid. but secondly, homemaking was one of many things getting brought under the umbrella of "science" in the late 19th century (along with, to name examples from the book, psychology and criminology). like a lot of things in my brain the "scientific housewife" is something i vaguely remember hearing about in some college class or book but don't have any ready cites for, but while googling last night i found this very cool recent article [linked below because the app will not fucking let me make a text link] that looks at the evolution of instruction in science, housework, and domestic science at two english day schools for girls in the late victorian/early edwardian (the kind of school i think mina may have attended and taught at, as i don't believe we're ever given much detail about her place of work), and which provides some background info on the idea of the "scientific housewife":

Scholars have since recognised that the middle-class home was “the locus of back-breaking toil” Domestic servants were not as prevalent as once thought, and in some cases it was common for mistresses to work alongside them. The average middle-class woman would likely have been at least partially a housewife, or, in other words, she would have undertaken some domestic labour herself. In contemporary culture, a link was also being forged between housework and science; historians have charted the ideology of “scientific housewifery” or “scientific motherhood”, which encouraged women to embrace science, medicine, and technology in the nineteenth century, to enhance domestic life and make it more efficient, more enjoyable, easier, and healthier for the family. Work by Judy Giles and Joanne Hollows has suggested that ideals of a modern, scientific housewife emerged in the first half of the twentieth century with the decline of domestic service. Given that many middle-class women would have been undertaking housework themselves in the nineteenth century, this article asserts that the cultural construction of the scientific housewife existed before the decline of domestic service. This article builds on the work of Nakagomi by considering the place of domestic subjects and science in schools as a window into a broader societal conceptualisation of housework and the housewife.

one interesting thing in this article is that the two schools profiled actually had strong differences in how they conceptualized and approached their domestic programming, which reminds us that big-picture ideals are always being navigated, redefined, and contested in practice. it also emphasizes that for at least some teachers and schools for girls, the teaching of science was considered an important part of the intellectual development of the students - a position, fascinatingly, NOT taken by comparable boys' schools of the period, which tended to marginalized science education in favor of the classics, which was a wonderful little reminder for me about just how incredibly fake gender is. but also i think this article (which identifies some shifts happenings in the 1890s, like really this novel came out at The fulcrum point of the culture) helps us consider that the seriousness with which mina takes her future home-making as a vocation can be read as part and parcel of the novel's fascination with modernity, technology, science, and progress - and indeed given the moral panic about lazy mothering the article mentions as arising in the press a few years later it even lets us consider that mina's status as a female victorian ideal and her temperament of someone deeply pro-science may not have appeared to be in as much tension as we might assume.

[popcaki]

Simon ‘’Ghost’’ Riley Headcanons

SUMMARY - Some of my headcanons for Ghost, MW2 was good I liked it.

He 100% has a thing for knives like the edgelord he is. Probably owns a massive knife collection, different kinds.

Like I said he’s an edgelord.

Bad driver, I mean did you see how he hit the car that was easily avoidable? He avoids driving at all costs, too afraid to admit about his terrible driving skills.

100% has big self hatred but also a big ego at the same time. 

Wears pink socks.

Good luck seeing him eat or sleep, he will disappear until it’s time for a mission. He probably travels to space for all we know to eat his packed lunch.

Owns Hello Kitty lunch boxes.

Has tried a lot of different kind of drugs at least once, probably smokes a blunt before missions. His red eyes are both due to sleep deprivation and him being high. 

Owns so many different masks and even changes it mid mission, they all have different proportions, meaning it’s not the same (totally not just a normal ingame inconsistency)

He both loves and hates attention, but if he 100% hated attention he wouldn’t be wearing a damn skull mask in the first place. He’s very extra, he likes the attention, drama queen.

He has a lot of dark jokes, but those can be just that jokes, he does them just for shock value. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any truth to them, he at least has a little bit of a twisted mind... start running NOW

He hates kids, not only because he doesn’t know how to handle them but he just genuinely doesn’t like them. Devious creatures.

Listens to ‘‘Wake me up inside’‘ type of music

Most likely likes to read stuff, requires no talking and no engaging with humans.

When he pulled off his mask, he in reality wore another mask execpt it’s shaped like a normal face.

Ok enough with the goofy ones that are kinda shitposts. Here are some genuine ones, specifcally since a lot of people seem to have the hots for him, and like him in such way. These are about any form of relationship and things like that, and how he works from my POV.

Simon when it comes to relationships and such.

I personally see him on the asexual spectrum, could be demisexual. He has no interest in sex really. Gender does not matter to him!

It would take years of building up a friendship with him, I mean that, to even be considered to be in a relationship with him. 

Even then I doubt he’d wanna get into a relationship at all, considering his work, trauma, trust issues, and general fear of loosing people.

If it were to happen, his love language is more in the form of a mutual respect. He’s not very touchy. Words of affirmation is something he would do.

Don’t touch him, even his shoulder, even if it’s with good intent. It would 100% activate a form of fight or flight response. Considering any form of ‘touch’ he has had has been from abuse or in combat.                                   

Even if it’s someone he trusts and cares for to some extent, any form of touch would make him extremely uncomfortable, he would go stiff. I can see him having sensory issues. 

I can see him never wanting to speak about his past, even to trusted people.

A relationship with him would be more friends based honestly. A queerplatonic one.

You would need to give him time with things, anything really when it comes to these things.

He would never in a million years commit the s3xy s3x during a mission or out in combat. You’re in enemy territory, being off guard is a death sentence, and he has a purely tactical mind during these times. It’s his job after all. (This isn’t against any smut fics btw! Just how I personally see him)

He can be very avoidant, distant, act all serious and edgy. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about people, he also jokes with them for example even if dark humor. Ghost joking and having conversations with Soap during the Alone mission has a real practical reason, but it’s clear as day it’s some friendship bonding time during war crimes being unfolded.

Ok if you made it here, so these are half jokes and some what I genuinely believe, again this is just how I see his character, and any other interpretation is 100% okay and valid! we all have different views and ideas. That’s what makes headcanons really fun! I really like the character and have some drawings planned.

[drconstellation]

A Tale of Two Peacocks

The Relationship Between Gabriel and Michael

Some weeks ago I said I would take on the challenge of looking at the relationship between Gabriel and Michael, then I got sidetracked writing something else* - which is not always a bad thing. But I want to return to this because its too good not to do a post on it, and before I get too deeply involved in the other writing.

This is definitely going to involve some NSWF language - hey, I can't help this, its in the script - so the bulk of this is going to be below the cut. But the short of it is, they have a fairly low opinion of each other.

We need to go back to S1, where there is an interesting set of parallel scenes we should start our discussion with that spells it out for us. The first one is in S1xE2, and the other is actually in one of the deleted scenes from the cold opening of S1xE3, and they both use parallel characters to inform us of what Gabriel and Michael think of each other.

It turns out I've already talked about the first one, in this meta here, where I discuss how Newt is a parallel for Crowley.

Then [Frobisher] power-walks past. Newt is not even worth her time stopping for. "Need a hand, Dick?" *Snort* - and ouch. That's a below-the belt joke. She's just called him a wanker. In the US you might use the term jerk instead. Someone who's a bit egotistical and more in it for themselves than others. (and I never thought I'd be fact-checking the meaning of this word ever, but there's always a first time...) She's basically just equated him Gabriel, in my book (and in more ways than one.)

And I wrote all that months before I started writing my Crowley-Gabriel parallel/foil series, too.

The other thing about this first parallel scene is the character of Frobisher, who is dressed very much like a demon, but is actually the parallel character to Michael, as we see later on in the paintball fight at Tadfield Manor.

(Er, I know this is all a bit 2nd/3rd hand evidence, but the second scene is a bit more direct, so bear with me.)

The second one, in S2xE3, is the deleted bookshop opening scene.

Source: Script for the unaired scene of Aziraphale opening his bookshop in 1800

Oh, look at that. Somebody is being called a wanker. Again. This time it's Crowley calling Michael a wanker, however, and its only one step to the side with Crowley being a parallel character to Gabriel (and I challenge you to watch s1 again in this light after finishing this post, and see how many similarities you can see between Crowley and Gabriel showing through even back then.)

OK. So we've established that Gabriel and Michael both think each other are wankers at this point, but what else can we find out about them?

Peacock Fighting

I've written a couple of posts about peacock symbolism. Firstly, Michael is strongly associated with having many eyes - their Ophanim ring, their costume has eye motifs, and they are essentially head of surveillance for Heaven. So this made me think they might be the peacock referred to in the Job minisode.

But later, after more research, it became apparent the lines paraphrased in Job were definitely referring to Gabriel. (See also Judgement Day.) There are associations with both royalty and vanity there.

They are both peacocks, but for different reasons.

And they are also both in competition with one another.

Gabriel Doesn't Have A Desk

Desks are a symbol of power in western society.

The bigger, and more solid the desk in a corporate office, the higher up the person is.

The teacher at the front of the room, the authority in the room, has a bigger desk than the students.

Those desks offer protection to the person in authority sitting behind them. They mark a separation between that said authority and the masses they command on the other side. Only the most trusted get to come around to the same side that they are sitting on to be more intimate with them.

At work, your desk is connected to your identity there. Its your place in the organization. You may even individualize it with decorations.

Just take a look at what Newt was bringing on his first day to work in S1xE2:

Pens, a pen holder, notepads, a ball of rubber bands, a plant (a bromeliad, a plant that does well in fully shaded damp environments, just like Hell) and some rations. Er, I mean lunch. Given to him by God Frances his mother.

The travesty of the modern trend of "hot desking" is de-personalizing the employee. They are no longer a valued employee with a valued place, they're just another faceless cog in the grind.

We see Michael behind a desk as Duty Officer in S2. It's starkly clean and sharp and made of glass, as we would expect to find in Heaven. It's used a shield and badge of office when we see them fulfilling that role.

Michael doubts Gabriel has a desk, although Gabriel insists he does, even though we have never seen it. Yet he still requires the proverbial archive box for moving locations?

I'm just going to leave the parallel between Newt and Gabriel there for further discussion. Please do remember the bottom falls out of Newt's box in the car park, leaving him with an empty box, too.

(Muriel has a glass desk, too, but interestingly they don't have a chair. You might like to compare their encounter with Aziraphale in the Job minisode to the escapade with Crowley in the present day. There is volumes said without words.)

Just while we are on the subject of desks, thought you might like to compare Crowley's and Aziraphale's desks as well. They are always on about how much paperwork they have to do!

Sovereign versus Disciplinary Power

This is eventually going to turn into a discussion about fate versus free will at some point, but I do need to talk about the different types of power first, because I haven't done my long promised Power and Authority meta yet. The two concepts are closely related, and Gabriel and Michael are each acting as foils for a side of the concepts.

Gabriel represents sovereign power, the supreme legitimate power of the state. Power and action trickles down from the top, and punishment is almost a show of entertainment, but one designed to educate. "Oh, those angels Fell - if I do something bad, I might Fall, too!" And so Gabriel expects to Fall when he is given his trial, and Aziraphale when he lies to save Job's children.

Michael is representing disciplinary power, something that lies at the heart of society today. This is where power is spread among individuals, and individuals are more likely to do their own discipline merely because of an overhanging threat of a possibility they may get caught if they do.** Are they being watched? Who might see and report their transgression? Michael has eyes (and ducks) everywhere... So does Orwell's book 1984.

This is a very simplistic view, of course - reality is more complex than that, and is usually a combination of the two, but we have to start somewhere.

Now lets throw the fate vs free will components into the mix. Let us revisit the story of King Cnut and the tide.

The story, if you are not familiar with it, is that Cnut had his throne set on the beach and commanded the incoming tide to halt where it was, and not to wet his robes or feet. Of course, the tide kept rising and splashed the king, where he leapt up and declared his might and power as a king worthless compared to that of God. The story is meant to demonstrate his piety before Heaven, and that he was not the ultimate controller of all things - his sovereign power was limited.

They say time and tide*** wait for no man - we are at the mercy of what ever fate they bring us, and we can't manipulate that. That's decided by the supreme power, the ultimate sovereign power, so to speak.

Gabriel tends to take this line - he does not have control over the summoning of the Four Horsepeople, they are just happening as they supposed to, and that's not his department. Plausible deniability, baby! Back channels? What back channels, Michael?

So if you did want to have some power over it, some free will to control outcomes? But hang on - every one else has free will as well. Sounds a bit chaotic. Who's in charge? Nobody. Everybody. Welcome to Michael's world. They want the power, they're prepared to fight for it, for what they think is right - but so is everyone else.

But what if you were the creator of free will itself? Would you be The One to have control over time and the tides?

Tadfield Manor, Again

Michael is the archangel who throws Lucifer down from Heaven, and we see this play out at Tadfield Manor during the paintball fight, when we are shown that it is actually Frobisher/Michael who shoots the shot that hits Norman/Lucifer in the heart - although we are initially made to think its Nigel/Gabriel who did it. (One day I will teach my self how to make GIFs and make a GIF of this.)

Frobisher is the more competitive one at all times - she is the only other employee besides the naive Newt to put their hand up when Nigel asks who is looking forward to the Training Initiative and she asks Crowley and Aziraphale "Who's winning?" as she runs past them inside - to which Crowley presciently declares "You're all going to lose."

If you look at the extended scene in light of the above, you can see sovereign authority of senior manager Nigel/Gabriel is still floating around as a rather toothless tiger to the whims of fate, while everyone else is exercising their free will and disciplinary powers to try and control one another. And, as Crowley says, nobody wins. It's a lose-lose situation.

Michael is competing for an empty dream.

Gabriel is trying his best to survive something that is not what it seems.

And...I think I'll leave it there. Thanks for reading.

*I've started writing a multi-chapter human AU fanfic. But I'm a slow writer, and I'm not writing it in a linear fashion - because it has to be stuffed full of meta, of course - so I decided I better pull myself out of it before I got pulled in too far and finish a couple of things off so you didn't think I'd disappeared completely. I wasn't planning on doing one, but you know how these things go - one day an idea just pops into your head, the next thing the characters are talking to you and taking on their own life and a couple of thousand words later...

**There was a post about the oculus, the round skylight window in the roof of the bookshop and the Panopticon, an infamous prison design where the prisoners can all see each other but can't see if the guard is watching them, but of course I've lost track of it, haven't I.

***The tides are controlled by the Moon and Sun, and ostensibly for this argument, by Heaven as well. They are fated to continue in their set orbit and/or path through the sky - or the Earth on it's orbit around the Sun, is probably the better way of looking at it.

[muzanswaifu]

Ive seen a lot of people confuse me leaving for “people being mean to writers” or getting hate for the things i write of how i write them but its not

But Im not leaving just bc of the audience, i can handle some hate and honestly it was kinda fun from them bc ik that hate comes from jealousy and trolling

Im leaving because of other writers and my “friends”

Ik i said i would get into it and i really dont want to all that much bcuz im tired and just wanna be done with this but it feels wrong to leave under a false assumption and let people think their actions dont have consequences

Ive dealt with a lot from my peers on here, back talking, hating, straight up bullying, and i just cant anymore

I cant deal with drama irl AND on the internet, bcuz at the end of the day i can just delete everything on here and be done with it all so thats wat im gonna do

Tbh this has been building up for a while, i can only handle so much from “friends” and irl i cut people off pretty quick and on here should be no exception but ive fucked up and let people do watever too long and its bitten me in the ass

Yes ik im dramatic lol, ive gotten that a lot and a lot of people hate me for, a lot of people love me for it, its how i am and it keeps things interesting. I get it, i like to make a lot of call out posts. Y? Bc people deserve to be called out and idgaf ab appearances on here. If someone did something bad, im gonna call them out bc last i checked its my blog and i can do wat i want. If u wouldnt do it, thats fine, its ur decision, and this is mine

Yes, i dont post a lot, I. Am. Busy. I have work. I have school. I have a social life. I cant write smut all the time even tho i want to, and at the end of the day, its not my job to write smut all day so people can read it and move on. I like to interact with yall, its fun, i like to talk to a lot of different people on her since my irl friends arent really into anime. Apparently people think im a loser for that? Ok? Sorry i like to talk to people on the internet when im bored instead of producing smut all day for people to read, ig i shouldve remembered im only on here to provide content since i dont deserve to have some fun, my mistake

Requests? Requests r a generosity. So many of my requesters have been absolute angels with being patient in receiving their requests, happy to just see me writing or interacting at all. Others have hounded me regularly telling me im lazy and selfish for not completing my requests, saying im an asshole for not completing them over my own projects bc “they asked first”. LMAO, U WRITE IT THEN???? i dont owe anything to anyone, certainly not someone who comes here solely to read my fics, not even leaving any interaction or encouragement whatsoever, then leave.

The icing on the cake? The tip of the iceburg? Discord of all places. Im sorry some of u didnt enjoy my server, i really am. Ive never used discord before and me and the mods did the best we could and im sorry i couldnt be as attentive to it due to my busy schedule

Im sorry i couldnt get there in time to stop conflicts or just straight up call people out, and im sorry someone had to make another server since they didnt like how i was handling mine bc i didnt take their side in a fight that THEY WERE WRONG IN? But i tried to be nice, tried to defend her and nicely explain y she was she cant say anything they want in any situation bc people get hurt. but it didnt matter. Y? Bc apparently i cant tell people what they can and cant say…

And that made me realize something! Theyre right! Theyre absolutely right and im so stupid for not seeing it until now! I cant stop people from saying things to me. I cant stop people from talking shit ab me. I cant stop people from even saying things on my own blog and server! I just cant. Bcuz in the end, people r gonna say what they want and do what they want bc people dont wanna learn. They dont wanna talk. They dont wanna hear ab how what they do or say affects others. They just wanna do what the want when the want, and they wanna be allowed to, bc fuck everybody else. Everybody is the victim in their own story, and i deserve to be the victim in mine.

And what would a victim do in this situation?

Leave.

[harrowharks-iliac-crest]

The River

Worldbuilding/Lore

<< Previous: Lyctorhood | Masterpost

-

So, okay, bear with me here. I think these people's brains are fundamentally different from ours. And I think their brains are spiritual matter, contained in a brain-shape and perhaps even anatomically so. There was talk of a temporal lobe, after all.

Mind you, memories don't just get stored in one place in the brain. The hippocampus is crucial for formation of memories and storing them short-term - for a few months, maybe. After that, I was told in my studies we don't quite know where they go - likely stored in different parts all over the brain, connected to associations.

One thing I do know, however, is that you can't physically see which parts of the brain relate to which memory. Knowing this from necromantic ability should be a skill even Mercymorn would struggle with. Harrow, a bone magician, knows she is not the best flesh magician, so she enlists Ianthe's help for her lobotomy. Ianthe, allegedly the best necromancer in her generation, is actually able to do an alright job, except for one part where Harrow does some herself. Have they found ways to look at memories through the brain? By all current available science, I would rate that fairly impossible. Either science has progressed wildly in this (possible, given the whole ass myriad and then some), or these brains are not the same.

I actually think brains in this are made from much the same matter that The River is. The River is clearly not of Alecto or John's invention. It was discovered somehow, and when they resurrected everyone, they basically found the revenants for the bodies, and just stuck them back in, literally; pockets - or bubbles - of River, containing the revenant exactly, replacing the goopy mess of dead brain in the body.

Now your brains are goopy messes of river, made to look like what you expect the brain to look like. Your perceptions, expectations and rules are important in the River - it makes sense that River/Revenant-brains would still be brain-shaped. It means the brain is more fluid than that, though; in the Lyctor's cases, one soul - one brain - "takes over".

(Doesn't really explain why Lyctors like God, Augustine and Mercymorn consistently have their cavalier's eyes - other than maybe it was just that that's what they were expecting.)

Ok, so I kinda think brains are parts of The River. Coherent as revenants, living in bodies. This would have been the case for the first people who were resurrected a myriad ago - so when they create babies, the baby's brain is also River water, for want of a better term? Therefore everyone's is? And Death, in this post-resurrection world, is just returning to the River proper?

It's a working theory.

The River is a physical place, and also kind of like sub-space. You can enter it, you can form pockets of meaning in there, you can hunt things in there and make wards. You can use it to travel quickly to destinations many lightyears away. It is a physical place, but also a spiritual one. It is, essentially, the brain matter of billions, jumbled together, increasing in entropy with depth, all the way down to the stoma, where you can enter full entropy and be reduced to particles, as I understand.

Did you know that some scientists use entropy to describe brain processes? Entropy increases in the brain as it responds to stimuli. The concept of entropy is necessary for explaining what goes on in the brain, an organ of trillions+ of possible configurations, changing moment by moment. And what happens physically in the brain is perceived by us through a range of associations and thoughts and feelings, which all look and feel very different to the electric charges zipping along nerve axons and synapses releasing chemicals to trigger a reaction in the next nerve along. Which is (a gross oversimplification of) what actually physically happens inside our brains, millionfold, every millisecond.

Hey wait a second though. The Central Nervous System also includes the spinal cord. Is this included in the RiverBrain package deal? What about peripheral nerves? Right, I'm gonna stop this here, it's already one hell of a rabbit hole.

So if I'm right, then brains are made of River, and River is made of Brains. Sub-space, physically traversible brains. If planets, if stars have a soul, the whole Universe has a soul. The River could a manifestation of the Universe's soul, its collective Brain, and it encompasses all once (and future?) living things. It's not in our plane of existence, but can be accessed physically and mentally.

The River might be the source of necromantic ability, and I think either John or Alecto figured out how to access it. I Just Don't Think You're Supposed To.

Ok, let's get into Characters next. Blorboposting incoming.

>> Next: Gideon Nav

[epictacobird]

Demon slayer! MC working at the Mostro Lounge

Ok ok so Octavinelle's part of my demon slayer MC series is coming out soon and I have so many ideas that I can't fit in there bc I don't want my favoritism for Azul to show that badly so this is a thing.

Content: Azul pining over demon slayer!MC

No gendered pronouns are used for mc, only "you"

Warnings: Azul being oblivious to himself, angst if you squint and look away

Demon slayer! MC who enjoys working a little too much

At first, Azul figured you were just happy to finally be making money outside of Crowley’s shitty allowance. I mean, no one can be that genuinely excited to wait tables and wash dishes.

Except for you that is.

He wasn’t complaining, not at all, it was just a little unusual. You never complained about any work he assigned you, unlike a certain eel. You were even just as efficient at scaring away rowdy customers.

Truthfully, the reason why you liked working there was because you were so busy. It made you feel more normal, as if you really left behind your life as a slayer. Or maybe working just let you not think about it in the first place. Either way, Azul clearly appreciated the extra labor. Just as Grim appreciated the pricier tuna.

One day he caught you singing to yourself while you were washing dishes.

Hushabye baby bunny on the hill…

Tell me why your eyes are very red…

Because when my mother was expecting me she dined on red berries from a tree…

And that is why my eyes are so very red…

It was a simple lullaby, and yet you held such a genuine smile while singing. It must’ve been from your home. Were you feeling homesick? Is that why you’ve taken so many shifts lately?

He wanted to ask about it but reasoned against it. You always kept him at an arms length after his overblot. He didn’t want to make it worse by suddenly asking you such a personal question.

Maybe later then….

Demon slayer! Mc who is enamoured by the large aquariums all around them.

You tried so hard not to let your giddiness show when you first stepped foot in the lounge with Jack. Imagine! Tanks as large as these embedded to the walls with tons of colorful sea-life and fish, you never thought you'd see anything like it.

Tbh you were actually a little grateful for the whole situation, | mean, you got to go underwater and see the sea life outside of those tanks. Ace and Deuce were a little worried about how side tracked you suddenly got when y’all were down there lol.

So when you got a job at the Mostro Lounge and were now able to stare at those tanks all day you could barely hide your excitement.

Azul took notice of this quickly, you never let it distract you from work but it was a little endearing how you were so fascinated by the aquariums. Platonically, that is.

One day he caught you staring at one of the aquariums while you were cleaning tables after closing. There was a look on your face of innocent wonder, very different from the normally gloomy cloud that hung over your eyes.

From the angle he was at he couldn't tell what you were staring at. Whatever it was it held your attention in a vice grip, I mean you didn't even notice him as he walked closer. Or when he cleared his throat...or when he called your name... you're not ignoring him are you?

Azul called your name one more time and he finally caught your attention. You whipped your head around, "Oh! Sorry Azul I didn't notice you. Did you need something?"

Azul sighed, “Not in particular, I was just wondering what had your attention. It's not like you to stare off in the middle of work."

You smiled sheepishly, rubbing the nape of your neck as you answered, “Well, I was actually looking at this one little guy in the tank. You see I don't have stuff like this back in my world so it's all kind of new to me." You laughed, “It probably sounds a little stupid to you, being a merman and all."

Azul shook his head, “Not at all, which fish were you looking at?”

He expected you to point out on of the colorful fish around you. After all, their large fins and the way they effortlessly swam through the clear water was pleasing to the eye. He would never admit it, but he was a little upset. It was rare the insecurities from his past came up nowadays but you were different for a reason he couldn’t explain. He wanted to impress you, and if you were attracted to the fins that he could never have then what would he do then? Maybe he was thinking too much…

You smiled, and pointed to a small creature sitting at the bottom of the tank. It was perfectly camouflaged amount the sand and rocks. His heart did a flip, out of surprise or something else he couldn’t tell. He was just grateful you weren’t looking at him in that moment.

“That’s an octopus, I didn’t actually know we had one of them in here.” Floyd must have put it in, Azul thought bitterly.

“Wait, seriously? That’s what they look like?”

Azul cringed a little inwardly, preparing for the worst.

“That’s so cool! I never thought they looked like that. I mean, I’ve eaten them before but I’ve never seen one alive. I thought they were red!”

The look on your face was comparable to a kid getting candy you were so happy. You were enamored by the octopus the entire time? The little sea dweller stuck at the bottom while the other fish sore high above you?

God, why did he feel like this? Heat pooled in his cheeks as he watched the smile on your face grow wider.

He wished he could make you this happy everyday…

He adjusted his glasses unnecessarily and looked away, “All octopi have the ability to camouflage to their surroundings. Only a few species are red naturally.”

Suddenly he was caught in a whirlwind of your excited questions. He forgot how behind your world was in terms of science and research. There was probably no way for you to actually study any of this before now. Either way he was happy to answer all of them. He reasoned that this was the best way he could finally build actual trust. That was important for a good work environment between employer and employee after all…

Demon slayer!MC who once saved Azul from falling flat on the floor (although he can’t tell if he would’ve rather you let him fall)

He doesn’t know how it happened, sure he wasn’t the most graceful walking around when he first got legs but he couldn’t have seriously tripped on air!

He just was walking down the stairs to check if everything was running smoothly. Maybe he was distracted by the way you smiled at the customers as you took their orders, or the way you winked at him as you walked past. Either way he felt his stomach drop when his foot missed the next step. He slid backwards and braced himself-

Except it never came, rather than the edge of the stairs his head hit the comfort of your arms. were you always this strong?

He didn’t get to dwell on it for long though. He felt the uncomfortable stares and whispers a little too much for his liking. He quickly pushed himself out of you arms and adjusted himself.

“Are you alright Azul? You look a little red, you’re not sick are you?”

“No! No, I’m fine. Thank you.” He spoke quickly, desperately trying to avoid your eyes.

You frowned, but took his excuse with a sympathetic smile, “Alright, if you say so. Don’t work too hard alright? You could’ve gotten hurt.” With that you walked off to the kitchen, leaving him to deal with the customers who were suddenly very interested in the whole event.

What he would give to crawl into an octopot right now to hide away his fast beating heart…

*****

“Ehhh, Shrimpy you should just kiss him already.”

“Floyd! It’s not like that!”

“It was a stunning performance Prefect. I’m sure Azul appreciated it.”

“Jade! Not you too..” You sighed as you collected the orders for your table, “Azul could’ve gotten hurt so I helped him. That’s all.”

The twins laughed to themselves, keeping their sadistic grins plastered on their faces as you sighed.

Azul did look pretty cute all surprised like that though…

The twins gave you their signature eerie smile. There really was no convincing them. You just shook your head in defeat, smiling a little to yourself as you watched Azul talk to another customer. At least he’s alright…