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#but the more I think about it the more i realize that I'm only ACCEPTING she/her because of my assigned sex
oliversrarebooks · 3 days
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a good grade in being brainwashed: wants and needs
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tw: pet whump, bbu-adjacent, dehumanization, conditioning, references to drugging, references to dubcon
He was getting a good grade in being brainwashed, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.
"He seems a little clingy, though."
B211's heart sank into his knees. He knew that was one of the absolute worst things a prospective owner could say about him, the very thing his handlers had spent so much time trying to train out of him. Don't cling. Don't be needy. Be affectionate, but only when your owner desires it. Be silent and still and obedient otherwise.
Don't be needy. Don't need. Don't want. Wants are for people. Your only wish is to please your owner.
He didn't miss the nasty glare that the salesman shot him before putting his customer service smile back on his face. "Yes, this one is very affectionate, which isn't to everyone's taste. Perhaps you'd be more interested in this Romantic…"
B211 fought down the whine in his throat as the customer removed her hand from his chin and walked over to one of the other Romantics, A797. He watched as A797 flawlessly executed each position, all with a smile that was just loving enough without seeming desperate. Just the way they'd all been taught.
God, B211 hated him.
B211 knew he could be the best Romantic in this whole damn showroom, if only he could be given a chance. He'd worked so hard at his training and conditioning, absorbing everything thrown at him, always striving to be the best in the room. He knew his quality -- he was eager to please any sort of master in any way they wished, ready and willing to become whatever they wanted him to be. Their lover, their fantasy, their toy, their shoulder to cry on. He was confident he could do it all.
And yet, here he was, left in the lurch yet another day. If things didn't look up, he'd spend another night in his cold bunk. Another night where his training headphones whispered to him about how much he craved touch and affection. Another day where he had to fight down his cravings so he didn't scare off potential owners. Another failure, another denial.
It was enough to make him want to pull his hair out, if that wouldn't absolutely ruin his appeal.
"I think I'm going to talk to your handler about another course of conditioning. I don't know how it's possible, but you've still got too much willfulness in that head of yours."
B211 scrambled down into a kneel, touching his head to the floor, as soon as he realized that the salesman was addressing him. "My sincere apologies, sir. I will endeavor to do better," he said, reciting one of his hundreds of programmed phrases.
"I can tell when a pet's more concerned with his own needs instead of the customer's," said the salesman disdainfully. "Honestly, you could probably do with another round on the Drip, wash that right out of your head. I think that's what I'm gonna recommend."
"Yes, sir," said B211, his inner elbow twinging with the feel of a phantom needle. He knew very well that he should accept whatever medication, training, or punishment he was given, as it was all to make him a better pet. But he hated the way the Drip made him feel, the way his mind was so slow and dim now, compared to --
No, that wasn't right. His mind had always been slow and dim. That's why he was well suited to being a pet. That's what they'd told him, why he'd signed up. He was slow, and dim, and unable to cope with life, unable to pretend to be a person. So he'd done the right thing and signed up. Instead of an endless cycle of pain and disappointment, he'd receive unconditional love and affection from an owner who truly wanted him. All he had to do was follow his training. Simple instructions. Practice these poses. Recite these mantras. Speak politely. Let go of your wants. Let go of your needs. Be perfect.
That was all he had to do.
He didn't actually remember signing up, of course, because the Drip had erased his memories (how many times). It was best for a pet to not remember (what didn't they want him to remember) so he could be blank and empty for his owner to fill with love (what was he before he was blank).
(was he ever loved)
He shouldn't be thinking those thoughts. That's why he wasn't getting bought. Stupid, stupid.
"Well, B211? Do you have a problem with that?" the salesman demanded, pulling him back to reality.
"No, sir."
"Oh, I think you do. I can tell you have something to say. Out with it."
It was a trap. It was always a trap. He'd fallen into it before, he thought, although his memories of those times were hazy and tinged with pain. "I think whatever you and my handler decide for me would be best, sir."
He was being hauled upwards by his shirt, the salesman glaring down at him. "That's your problem. You shouldn't think. You should just get it right."
B211's mind searched for a better answer. Slow, too slow. "I want whatever training I'm given, sir. I want to be the best possible pet for my owner. I trust in my handlers to make me the best pet I can be."
"Better," he sneered.
The ring of a bell indicated another customer had arrived, sparing B211 the salesman's wrath for now. This particular salesman always liked to take it out on the pets when they weren't selling like he thought they should be.
All he wanted was to be touched and loved. Wasn't that what he had signed up for? He couldn't remember, of course, but that's the only thing it could have been. Why didn't anyone see that? Why didn't anyone pick him?
Maybe the salesman was right. Maybe he should go back on the Drip. He was thinking too much. Of course he was right -- his handlers always knew what was best for him.
"Oh, I'm not sure a Romantic is what I'm looking for, exactly," said a voice that was so strangely familiar. "I don't need -- I mean, I don't really have those kinds of needs."
B211 strained to hear the conversation in the other room, beyond the curtain separating the Romantic showroom from the rest of the pet store. That voice. He didn't know why, but wanted to hear more of that voice.
"There are a lot of unfortunate misconceptions about Romantics, and I'd say that the primary one is that they're only for sex," said the salesman. "That's absolutely not the case -- maybe ten years ago, but modern Romantics are so much more. They actually have much of the same programming as our platonic Companions, and even some Domestic capabilities. They're the perfect choice for a busy man who wants a little love in his life."
"Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a look at them…"
The customer pushed aside the curtain leading to the Romantic showroom, and B211's heart stopped.
The man was tall and broad-shouldered, with dark skin and darker curls, and large, sparkling eyes that he could get lost in. He was handsome, very much so, but that wasn't what caused B211's breath to catch in his throat -- he saw many handsome customers. No, there was something about this one that ran deeper than his looks. B211 was seized with an inexplicable, undeniable desire -- this man absolutely had to buy him. This man should be his owner.
(But pets weren't supposed to have desires.)
The customer was staring at B211, too, but not in the way he would prefer. He looked as if he had just seen a ghost.
"Oh, I wouldn't recommend that one," said the salesman. "He's a bit more high maintenance than our other Romantics, and you're looking for a pet that's very independent, right? I'm sure a lawyer doesn't have that much time to spend entertaining a pet, which is why I'm going to recommend this model…"
The customer, the lawyer, let himself be pulled away from B211's case, and B211 was filled with bubbling rage towards the salesman. Something flashed in his mind, a memory, perhaps, of fighting, of kicking and screaming, of having to be held down by four people as the IV was inserted into his arm --
No, that wasn't right. That wasn't right at all. He couldn't hate the salesman, or the handlers, who only wanted the best for him. If the lawyer wasn't a good fit…
He swallowed the lump in his throat. Why was this so important? He'd been passed up by so many people, what was one more to him?
B211 couldn't help but watch the lawyer out of the corner of his eye. Perhaps it was his imagination, but he seemed bored with the other models the salesman was showing him. Distracted. He glanced back at B211, who quickly lowered his eyes to the floor.
"I think I have just the right fit for you!" said a bubbly saleswoman, emerging from the front of the store. She was leading along a man in a slouchy t-shirt and jeans, who was looking around the Romantics showroom in awe, as though he'd never seen so many pets. The saleswoman stopped in front of B211's case. "He's a refurb, so he's available at a discount! He's very affectionate and quite intelligent for a pet."
"Well, he's not bad looking," said this new customer. "Pet, introduce yourself."
B211 snapped to practiced attention. "Hello, sir, my designation is B211, and I'm a Romantic designation with additional Companion training. I enjoy cooking, old movies, and cuddling, and I'm always open to new adventures!"
"Hmm, I'm not sure. He's not really my type. I was hoping for something a little more… demure, do you have anything like that?"
"Certainly, sir, right this way!"
Normally, B211 would be devastated at losing another prospective buyer, but this time, all he could think about was the lawyer. The lawyer who was currently standing in front of the showroom's most expensive pet, being given the hard sell.
"…and he can do anything you want, sir. He'll be there for you when you need companionship, and quiet and out of the way when you need space. He's fully automated and intelligent enough to serve as a personal assistant or run a household. And when it comes to his Romantic skillset… he's very easy to please, and very eager and capable of pleasing others. If this pet is within your budget, I think he'd be the best suited to your needs, sir."
His needs. What were the lawyer's needs? Pets didn't have needs, couldn't have needs. B211 knew he could do whatever that so-called premium model could. But the lawyer probably had more than enough money to go premium, and why would he buy a discounted refurb when he could buy a brand-new luxury model?
"He does seem like an ideal fit…" said the lawyer.
"Would you like to spend a little time with him? I'm sure once you do, you won't be leaving this showroom alone."
"Well… maybe… but I'm still interested in that one. The one I saw when I first came in."
And the lawyer looked straight at B211.
It was impossible, wasn't it? Why would he be interested in B211 when a premium model was an option? Did he actually recognize B211's value? Was that why he'd been so drawn to this man as an owner?
The lawyer walked his way. B211 tried his hardest to read the expression on his face -- an essential skill for Romantics, to be able to read their master's smallest emotions -- but came up short. He couldn't tell what this man was thinking at all.
But his eyes looked kind. And B211 felt…
It was a feeling he couldn't place. It wasn't happy, or aroused, or quiet, or agreeable. B211 suspected it was one of those feelings he wasn't supposed to be having, one that the Drip was supposed to wash out of him.
"Are you sure, sir?" said the salesman, trailing after him. "This one is a refurb, you know. That's why he's on a discount."
"A refurb? Do you know why he was returned?" The lawyer's eyes never left B211.
"Ah, his original owner simply found a new relationship, and was displeased with the amount of attention this Romantic required. He's been wiped of those memories, and we've done our best to train out his unfortunate need for attention, of course, but he'd be a risk compared to our premium models, which can all be customized just for you for only a small additional fee…"
The lawyer wasn't paying attention to the salesman at all as he continued his pitch. He seemed to be weighing something in his mind.
And B211 finally placed what that strange feeling was. Safe. The lawyer made him feel safe. It wasn't something he had felt in training. It was something much older, something he shouldn't remember.
"I want to buy this one," said the lawyer abruptly, cutting off the salesman's patter.
The salesman couldn't hide his shock. "Are you sure, sir? There's no rush. We'd be happy to put a model on hold for you for a small deposit if you'd like more time to make up your mind."
"I've made up my mind. I want this one." The uncertainty on his face from a moment ago was gone, his voice firm. Firm enough that B211 dared to hope.
"If you're certain, then… I'll draw up the paperwork. But keep in mind that we don't accept returns on refurbished pets."
"I won't be returning him."
And the lawyer smiled at B211, actually smiled.
And someone had finally seen him. Someone wanted him. Someone was going to love him.
All he had to do was not screw it the fuck up.
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terukotime · 3 days
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allow me to be super delulu for a second
if either Eden or Ace are the actual killer, that would mean one of them would be saying their secret quotes in the next coming episodes. but...do we really feel like the situation warrants them saying what their quotes are?
Ace's is: "I don't know what to do with myself anymore."
Eden's is: "You can't go back, no matter how hard you try."
Ace's feels a little strange to say in the trial. we're very close to unearthing the real culprit, and if Ace really is the killer, when would he say that? immediately upon being found out? the quote itself has their air of melancholy and defeatism, and even at his lowest, we know Ace isn't someone to concede or go down without a fight. and if he knows he's about to die, what's the point in saying "I don't know what to do with myself anymore" when he's not even going go be alive in the next few moments? He WON'T be doing anything with himself anymore, he'll be dead.
Eden's, while not as strange of a thing to say as Ace, is also kind of peculiar. when would she say it? while she's admitting to the murder? if Eden did it, sure, it's believable that she'd feel some regret, but the setup to her being the killer feels very odd now that we've gone through this big emotional moment between her and Teruko. honestly, after all that, if Eden really is the killer, i'd be more inclined to believe she WOULDN'T regret killing Arei. it'd seem like her crying and pleading was all just emotional manipulation. it also seems strange to me that Eden would have already had it in mind to kill Arei when she and Teruko found Ace, and took the opportunity to steal the tape to carry it out. i could definitely be wrong, and please correct me if i am, but i think the attempted murder was the same day as what happened with Eden and Arturo? honestly, even if it wasn't, it just feels weird to me that Eden would find some way to disguise her handwriting, set up a murder method even more elaborate than Nico's original version, and then do the whole trial pleading and sobbing for people to believe she didn't kill her and actually have regretted her actions. that shit is so premeditated that everything Eden has done thus far feels like immense emotional manipulation. while that could still be possible...it's not really that satisfying, i'd say. who knows, maybe i'm in severe denial, but i just think this characterization of Eden would be really weird. it would feel less like a betrayal of "man, this character i liked turned out to be awful", and more like a betrayal of "man, this character i liked has made a 180° in their personality without any foreshadowing of having a darker side to them".
and i'm just still really hung up on Hu. her secret quote, "I want to pay for what I've done. But even then, I still want to live." makes total sense in the context of this trial, especially after her secret reveal. and while it's pretty unlikely she took the tape from the gym, there's no guarantee that the person who took the tape at the time HAS to be the murderer. i'm just still hung up on the fact that it feels like there needs to be one last, big twist before the true killer is revealed. a moment where Teruko comes to her realization and the culprit is selected before she makes any actual accusation against them. we already knew Eden and Ace would be the ones Teruko was going to interrogate in the selection because of her explanation. just given how drdt has been written thus far, i feel like they wouldn't hand the potential answer to us like that so easily. like we wouldn't get to the point of selecting the culprit with the story already telling us it can only be one of two suspects.
it's entirely possible that i'm just coping and am refusing to accept that one of my favorite characters is actually the culprit. or that drdt could have a trial that isn't greatly written. it's totally fine if i'm wrong and Eden or Ace really is the killer, i definitely won't enjoy it much but it's not my story, nor would it completely make me drop drdt.
i honestly just needed to rant LMAO. this episode left me with a LOT of feelings.
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Burning Love
Chapter 5
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The rest of the chain was outside by the time you managed to waddle downstairs, huddled around a cooking pot with Wild at the helm for breakfast.
"(Y/n)!" Wind greeted, waving you over with his bandaged arm, drawing the other's attention. You waved groggily, plopping down next to the youngest hero on a nearby log. "Is Four okay, we haven't seen him yet."
"You say that like we haven't been hearing him," Legend muttered with a scowl. You were too tired to defend Four's honor, so you just waved off the pantless hero with a scowl of your own.
"Well, he's alive."
"Goodie."
"Legend, I swear to Hylia—"
"OKay!" Warriors cut off your impending insult with a loud clap of his hands. "We'll continue this when everyone's had coffee, yeah?"
"Great plan," you shot him a thumbs up while Legend muttered something ineligible in the background. Wild materialized behind you with a cup of steaming goodness, handing it over wordlessly. "You're the man, Wild."
"I'm the man," he parroted, returning your high-five with the speed of a shooting arrow.
"So," Twilight interjected and the seriousness of the conversation instantly increased. "He's cleared for travel?"
"More or less," you sipped your coffee and felt a bit more Hylian than you did a minute ago. "I still haven't figured out what's going on with him," you paused, an idea hitting you harder than Wind's windhammer. "Time, didn't you mention a library being here?"
"The Town Archive," the oldest hero intoned, expression contemplative as he mulled over your idea. "I've visited it once before, but it's certainly old enough to have some information."
"It sounds like the best place to start," Sky joined the conversation with a hum. "We don't know how dangerous his ailment is, or even what it is, for that matter."
"I agree," said Hyrule, turning his curious gaze to Time. "How many books do you think it holds?"
"Hundreds, I'm sure," Time answered, tone curiously wistful, and if you weren't drooling at the thought of all that literature, you sure were when Wild passed you a bowl of egg-fried rice. He looked up with a resigned expression. "Four, how kind of you to join us."
You glanced back quick enough to watch Four half-stumble down the stairs, shuffling over in a distinct rendition of Wind's impression of a 'penguin'. "Good morning to you too, old man," he plopped down beside you and accepted Wild's procured bowl of rice with a grateful hum. "Where's my coffee?"
"You're too young to be drinking that," Legend replied, taking a very loud, very obnoxious sip of his own.
Four cocked his head, puzzled. "I'm am?"
"And I'm the Queen of Lorule."
"...You're not?"
"No."
"That's... unfortunate."
"Sigh."
"Anyways, what were we talking about?"
"You, short stack," said Warriors. "We were about to ask if you wanted to stay behind and recuperate?"
"Why would I?"
Warriors deadpanned. "You're not exactly at one-hundred percent, and someone's got to protect (Y/n)—"
"Um, rude," you crossed your arms over your chest, your spoon sticking out of your mouth like a pipe. "Bold of you to assume I'm not coming with."
Silence.
"Jeez, tough crowd..."
"You're tough," you retorted before realizing that wasn't the insult you'd been hoping for. "Anyways, the library might be our only shot at helping you, Four," you said, bumping shoulders and ignoring the withering gaze Twilight sent the shorter hero. "And! Books!"
"Can't miss out on that," the blacksmith responded with a grin.
"It seems we've come to an agreement," Time observed. "We leave in ten," he paused at Wind's puppy dog eyes, sighed, and somehow managed to look five years older. "...or when Wind has finished his breakfast."
Everyone cheered as Wind brought his spoon to his mouth in slow motion.
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The town archive was unlike anything you'd seen before. Tall and imposing, its shadows towered way over your approaching group. Four's side was warm against your bare arm as you led him forward, not for lack of trust, but after seeing him wobble down the inn stairs, you were taking no chances.
"Woah," Four breathed. "It's bigger than my old forge."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely."
"Are you sure? You're not pulling my leg?"
"I think you'd know if I was pulling your leg."
"I hate you both," muttered Legend, and you didn't need to see his face to feel his undoubtedly dark glare burning holes into your back.
"Aw, let them be," Wind came to your rescue. He looked at you and winked. "He's just upset because he had to listen to some couple flirt last night."
"Wind."
"Sorry, we," he amended sassily. "had to listen to some couple flirt last night."
"...Was it good?" You asked with mounting terror.
"Not at all, but we're not allowed to talk about that."
"For good reason," Legend hissed. "It was the worst thing I've had the displeasure of hearing, and I've listened to Wind snoring."
"Hey!"
"We're here," Time announced, and you'd never been more grateful for a subject change.
The heavy wooden doors creaked open, the rusty metal plaque on the right one glinting softly in the sunlight. Squinting with all your might, you managed to make the scrawled lettering out to be "Town Archive", which was about as accurate as you could get here.
The group shuffled in, and you were instantaneously impressed at the impossibly large bookshelves lining every veritable wall, closing in on the lectern in the center in ordered rows. "Wow," you said in awe, deftly release of Four to peruse the massive directory on said lecture. Your hands glided the leather cover of the colossal book, only pausing to sneeze when you opened it and a cloud of dust shot forth. Most of the boys had begun to scatter, chatting individually about what they hoped to find—though you were sorely tempted to scream that libraries didn't have Lizalfo talons when you heard Wild make that particular quip—but Twilight, Time, and Four remained silently by the entrance.
"How many trees you reckon it takes to make a book that big?" Twilight asked in a hushed tone.
"More than one," was Four's response. "A big one... or four small ones."
Your eye twitched at the nonsensical exchange, but you forced yourself to refocus on the directory.
"...Why are you like this?" Time sounded as exasperated as you felt.
Your pointer finger traced down the 'D' list, eyes scanning over every title with fading interest. You had already searched over ten pages, and not a single thing had stood out among the dizzying selection. It was beginning to seem that you would never find an answer to the conundrum, which was as painful as it was maddening. As a medic, it was your sworn duty to help the sick, even more when the sick person in question was your dear friend, and you were determined to not add to your list of regrets.
Until you flipped to a random page, seconds from burying your head in your hands, and something finally caught your eye.
"I found it!"
"Found what?" Four appeared at your side almost instantaneously, flanked by Time and Twilight.
You tapped the scrawled title with a blossoming grin. "'The Complete Guide To Hyrule's Races'!"
"That sounds promising," Time's expression was curious. "Do you think you can find it?"
"I can try," you shut the book, the pages thudding together with a thud of finality. "The directory said it should be on the second shelf in one of the back rows, so I'll start there."
The heroes bade you good luck as you headed off in search of your prize. Twilight grunted softly as soon as your cape fluttered from view. "Ya know yer only diggin' yourself into a bigger hole, right?"
"Huh?" Four's face was the picture of confusion, but Twilight knew it was all a ruse.
"Don't play dumb," he chided. "Ya haven't given it any thought?"
Four's gaze flicked between the two heroes, and Time, who looked as though he had seen enough, motioned them to one of the quieter corners of the library. "Now," the older hero's gaze felt like a piercing beam. "What's this all about?"
Twilight snorted, tossing his head in Four's direction. "Wouldn't be about nothin' if he would man up already."
Time stared at the smaller hero, clearly demanding an answer with the sheer force of his mind alone. Too bad that Four didn't feel like passing out details of his (nonexistent) sex life like they were candy.
"It's no one's business, old man," he crossed his arms over his chest, expression a nigh-perfect recreation of Legend's resting-bitch face. "And that's final."
"It's only goin' to get worse," Twilight ran a hand down his face, eyes turned to the ceiling in a plea for divine intervention. "An' it's that medic's business, too."
"What about (Y/n)?" Time's gaze hardened protectively; the old man cared for you and it showed clearer than day on his scarred face. "Four."
"Don't," the smithy fixed him with an unusually harsh glare. Time's working eye narrowed; something was amiss and he was determined to find it. "You're not part of this, none of you are."
"So ya admit it's a problem?" Twilight interjected.
"No!" Four snapped. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I need more time, you can't expect me to..."
"We aren't expecting you to do anything," Time said slowly, looking equal parts ready to throttle someone and offer one of them a hug, just as Twilight muttered under his breath: "'cept what's right for ya and that medic."
Four bristled. "It's not like that."
"It could be."
"I can't— you have no idea about any of this," the smithy's face was growing redder and redder, irises flashing blue, as he growled. "S-So stay out of it!"
"Oh, we have some idea," Twilight shot back. "Don't tell me ya've forgotten our conversation?"
Four's expression twisted in discomfort, but it was quickly replaced by annoyance. "How could I forget?" he snarked. "You know they're not—"
A memory of last night flashed in his mind's eye, but Four dismissed it; there was no way you saw him... like that, he wanted to scream. You were just too nice for your own good. He tried not to think of the way your gaze roved his body when he undressed, chalking it up to misplaced curiosity. How could you want him when there were so many other options, as much as it pained him to think it?
"—it's fine, I'm going outside."
Twilight opened his mouth to fire back, only pausing when Time laid a hand on the rancher's shoulder, shaking his head with a somewhat defeated expression. Twilight huffed, but held his tongue.
Until cheery footsteps broke through the silence and your head peeked around a nearby bookshelf. You grinning vibrantly when you caught sight of them, and it was the most beautiful thing Four had seen in his life. "There you are, I can't believe you all disappeared on me like that!"
"Sorry," Four said rather sheepishly. His gaze snapped to the crumpled sheet of paper in your right hand. "What's that?"
You shrugged, holding it out for him to examine. Twilight shifted closer, subtly sniffing with a look of barely disguised interest. "I thought notes from a scholar would be more useful than a textbook, is all."
"It was a textbook?" Time questioned, and you made a face.
"Unfortunately," you grimaced harder. "I've seen enough of those things to last a few lifetimes."
"We can tell," Twilight observed, tipping his head to the barely legible symbols covering the page. Four wrinkled his nose, slightly miffed at the unfamiliar language. "Can ya read it?"
"A bit," you answered. "It's written in ancient Hylian."
"Ancient, huh?" Twilight leveled a knowing look in Four's direction. The shorter hero growled and shoved at his chest, and the rancher surrendered with a guffaw. "Ah'right, ah'right!"
"Do I even want to know?" you deadpanned.
Crash!
"Fuck!" came Wild's distinct screech, and you nearly tripped over yourself rushing to the source of the noise. Four moved to follow, but halted when Time's hand sealed around his wrist.
"Four."
"Let me go."
"What is it, exactly, that you are afraid of?"
Four's eyes narrowed. "I'm not afraid."
"Ya are," Twilight joined the fray with a jaded frown.
Four tried yanking his arm away, but Time's grip held true. "What do you know? It's not like you—"
"Wrong," the rancher interrupted tersely. "'M trying to help ya because I am the only one."
Four froze. Surely he couldn't be implying...
"Don't give me that look," Twilight drew closer, towering over the smithy with a distinct wildness in his usually calm eyes. "Ya never thought ta' question why I leave fer a week every six months, or why I don't go off alone with yer little medic?"
"Y-You don't like (Y/n)?" Four was at a complete loss for words as the realization hit him harder than one of Wild's bombs. "How—"
"This ain't about me," Twilight's tone took on a distinct snarl that had Four wondering how he hadn't connected the dots in the first place. "It's about you and yer problem with makin' things easy on yerself. Ya think distance will make everythin' fine an' dandy? I can promise ya, it won't."
"But—"
"You can only deny yer nature for so long," there was a distinct sliver of regret in the older hero's tone that made Four wonder what exactly the rancher had experienced to look that way. "An' once it's gone, you're never going to get it back."
"Guys!"
All heads turned to you, and Four felt the inexplicable urge to gather you in his arms and never let go. Until he noticed your panicked expression and lack of paper. "Come on," you urged hurriedly. "We've got to get the hell out of here."
"What happened?" asked Time, beating Four by a millisecond.
Your expression turned grave. "Lizalfos,"
"In the library?!"
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Sigh. He'll get it eventually. ALSO Twi, you dog!
Just as a disclaimer, I've never played OOT so I have no idea if the term 'town archive' even exists in their world, but I'm going to pretend it does for the sake of the smut.
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zcinderone · 1 day
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An ironically conspicuous yet never exploited(except by me as far as I can see) dot that connects everything which could be the ultimate layer of secret to unravel the true identity of Arei's murderer...
I'm 100% sure it's Levi and this is where the final piece of puzzle come to make sense of itself: the Monotv recruiting Teruko do CAULKING scene!!!
This is such a detailed and prominant plot that so far made 0 sense as to its connection to the case. Monotv must have enlisted a helper to clean up the mess left in the gym. Since he can't even do caulking, it is 100% valid for the narrative that there are something in this mess he can't handle. This helper would have abundance of time to figure out the mechanism and took the tape.
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(Monotv specifically mentioning he needs help to do certain chores)
Apart from the 4 involved in Ace's case, the only one awake/available late at night was Levi(and we never know for what purpose the story writer specifically left only him awake and readily came out to check the commotion either). This connects everything.
Think about it rationally. It makes absolutely no sense for those involved in the previous case to make an imitation of their own. Only 4 people knew what happened, and Nico ran off leaving the only necessary tool(tape) to replicate this. Should any of the 3 try to imitate a crime only they knew and able to replicate, they are basically yelling they're the only targets from the get-go (and isn't this what's happening right now?)which is beyond absurd. However, if a third party does exist, it changes everything, they would have everything to gain from pulling an imitation since the premise would exclude their possibility permanently.
Based on the aforementioned points, I will make a tentative prediction about one event we are likely gonna see in ep 15: A scrum debate will happen soon, concerning whether or not Ace&Eden really is the only option scope for imitation crime, for they will most certainly discuss the very reason why they imitate and promptly realized the absurdity thereof. The narrative would seem really off if they don't dabble on why, accepting imitation for the sake of imitation. Some will take the stance that such attempt would be illogical for a rational conspirator in the first place, others will insist on the lack of direct evidence of a third party.
P.S. I am basing this theory on the assumption that the tape went missing under the dialogue box cg is dev's mistake tho because the tape on the ground scene always includes Ace on the ground and the moment he stood it changed which feels too abrupt and dev might just forgot to add that, and there is not a single scene that showed the tape missing without such blockade.
more to add:
Rewatching the "i'm not fxxing dead!" scene got me some new insights. The tape is placed rather near in front of Ace, a little to our right. Yet, when he stood up he knocked Eden out to our left. It would seem shaky if we take this alone by face value as it could just be a dramatic effect, but what happened afterward is the camera itself turned left to film Eden gradually standing, and turned right to focus on Ace and then turned further right to focus on Teruko, which clearly suggested the actual positioning is: Eden Ace (tape?) Teruko (tape ?) . Problem is, the tape still exitsted right before, and went missing right after Ace stood up in the Teruko "yeah i figured" scene, few secs before Eden stood up, therefore her positioning would exclude her possibility of getting it. And Ace couldn't get it either since four eyes were and the camera was mostly on him, even depicting him reaching his wound with two hands.
I think If the dev did intend this hidden scene to be the key to locking the culprit, they would most likely be meticulous about either the tape's positioning or Ace's act to make unequivocal sense that one of them would have a clear window to obtain it, which in turn suggests they probably never had such intention to begin with.
Also, we got to consider factoring in complementary details like the starched clothes ball(Levi was the only one who mentioned being in the laundry room some time at night in ep10), Arei's missing glove(both Eden and Ace wears glove, Levi doesn't), enough strength to throw the rope near the ceiling(they emphasized early in one scene how high the ceiling is and eden is the smallest girl) Whit trying to make an argument about another motive Levi could have for killing Arei yet got cut off, and trying to redirect the crew's attention back to Levi's secret itself for some reason and got cut off again in ep13 11:22 12:44 (this i think is super super important and it seems only I was mentioning this). These solid details are all adding to the likelihood of Levi, and I really can't find as many other details to back Eden or Ace.
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asuyaka · 19 hours
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Hiii, it's kind of a weird request so I totally understand if you ignore
Would you mind writing fluff with some comfort for Dazai with a trans male reader (ftm), when the reader is very transphobic (only) towards himself, because he doesn't want to be this way cause it's not something 'socially accepted?' the reader is rather chameleonic n generally cares a lot about how he's seen and if he fits in, going as far to change his whole way of acting based on who he's talking with or when he can't mirror someone's personality putting on a charismatic, playful, talkative facade. (Basically a social3 in detail but not manipulative if u know that term) because of his desire to climb social ladder and massive fear of lacking social acceptance, he tries to gaslight himself into thinking he's cisgender most of the time, which only makes him feel worse?? The 'all I want you to do is give me all of your love&applause and for return I'll be whoever you want me to be' type of performer.
Sorry for being picky but please don't write the reader as a submissive scared little thing that can't be assertive at all I hate that in comforts I beg u
★ - this hits so close t'home cause 've always struggled with my gender identity n'stuff then I realized there's a buncha labels, too many f'me to care about ! *^__^*
☆ - Dazai Osamu x FtM Reader!
♡ - really hope I wrote him well f'ya anon ! O(∩_∩)O | CW: copious amounts of misgenderin' (she/her & terms like 'girlfriend are used for the first half, please be warned !!) & transphobic language !
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[Name] looked at his her the outfit in the mirror, a black body con dress with a slit that ran up [Name]'s thigh.
The longer [Name] stared at the reflection the more an urge to throw up formed. Dazai would be the door for their date, and every dress [Name] tried didn't sit right.
They were either too tight, not tight enough, too short, too long, or too boxy— the point was nothing worked.
It didn't matter if [Name] put on a skirt or a crop top, they made everything feel worse to the point [Name] wanted to call the date off, but that would make her a bad girlfriend, and she wanted to be good.
The doorbell rang. "Babe? You haven't answered your phone, are you okay?"
[Name] groaned and opened the door. Dazai glanced over her outfit with wide eyes. "Wow. Uh, nice dress, but what's the occasion?"
[Name]'s eyebrow raised. "What do you mean? I always wear dresses."
Dazai walked into [Name]'s apartment and plopped onto the couch. "No, you don't. You told me you hate dresses and skin-tight clothes."
She glared at her boyfriend, a deep frown on her face before scoffing. "Okay, well, I like them now. Girls like dresses anyway."
The brunette paused his actions and stared. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
[Name] rolled her eyes. "What did I say?"
"You're joking, right? You aren't a girl— I asked you out because you're a man, and I wanted a boyfriend."
Boyfriend.
The title made [Name]'s heart well, like a warm blanket draped over her body. It didn't cause that sick, gut-wrenching feeling like 'girlfriend' but they weren't a boy.
They couldn't be a boy.
[Name] gulped thickly. "...I'm not a tranny, Dazai. What would my coworkers think? My parents? I can't— I was born a girl, Dazai, I shouldn't... feel this way."
Osamu gently holds [Name]'s hands. "Baby, what are you talking about? You've always been my boyfriend, you being born a woman doesn't change that."
"But I... it's— Osamu, it's not right. If I act too masculine, I could lose my job and have my neighbors hate me, but I fucking hate having to act like somethin' I'm not." [Name] sniveled, wiping his cheeks at tears that began to form.
Dazai guided his boyfriend to the couch and cupped his cheek. "You shouldn't have to change yourself to make other people happy. You're my boyfriend, the only boy in the world I've genuinely loved, and I don't want to see you destroy yourself for the better of someone else—people who don't even know you."
"If you lose your job for being you, then you could work with me. I'm sure Boss wouldn't mind having a new employee."
With a gentle kiss, Osamu chuckled. "And I'd finally get some work done so I can relax with my perfect boyfriend in the world."
[Name] sniffed as his boyfriend pressed another kiss on his wet cheek. "...is it 'cause you're lazy?"
"Eh... not lazy, just... working smarter and not harder!"
"Not working at all doesn't count, Osamu."
Dramatically, Dazai held a hand to his chest and rolled on the floor. "Woe is me! My boyfriend keeps bullying me even after I call him perfect! What do I do?"
He lightly laughed and placed a soft hand on Osamu's hair. "Maybe take him on a date?"
The brunette immediately sat on his knees with sparkles in his eyes. "He still wants to go with me?"
[Name] kissed Dazai's forehead and smiled. Even with the thoughts swirling in his head, Osamu always had a way to make him feel better. "He'd be delighted to go on a date with you."
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jaybren · 1 year
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I Believe...Steddie
I normally don't mind angst (though I avoid drama fics in general). Miscommunication is the biggest trope in romance, so I'm all for it, but for some reason Steve x Eddie fics / drabbles where Eddie still thinks of Steve as Steve THE KING Harrington always sit weirdly for me. Sometimes, if the Upside Down didn't happen (AUs in general) or pre-UD setting, maybe -- sure, then that could work. But close to canon fics where Eddie lives and Steve legit confesses to him? Always just -- strikes me as wrong.
Finally realized why -- it's literally the antithesis of canon Eddie. Canon! Eddie is quick to acknowledge Steve has changed. He literally runs up to him in the Upside Down while a bunch of madness is happening and where he has every right to be consumed by his own shit-tastic situation, but instead, he's telling Steve how he is a great guy and has changed.
Can Eddie be bitchy and prejudice? Yes.
Does Eddie have grudges against jocks / the popular crowd? Yes.
But he also goes full on bowing gentlemen for cheerleaders (going out of his way to help Chrissy and make her smile) and he's quick to acknowledge Steve's not that same popular AH anymore.
With Steve's bitchiness not aimed at him, Eddie would be eating his Honeycomb and snickering when old habits popped back up, and maybe he'd feel conflicted about jocky Steve, complaining about going to games or something until somebody smacked some sense into him. Totally believe tension and disbelief about one liking the other or some bias about things, but I just can't see Steve proclaiming his love or whatever and Eddie assuming it is a trap or trick or prank or something.
Maybe he'd think Steve was confused. Maybe he'd assume they were doomed, but I can't see him blaming Steve for that or blowing up their relationship IF Eddie accepted the confession and they started dating. Eddie's way more down on himself.
If someone can explain how it makes sense, please do. I'd love to enjoy all Steddie tropes, and that one seems popular lately, but where my brain sees so many problems with them getting to the confession point or even a number of big arguments that could happen afterward due to outside aspects, those two strike me as highly tactile, highly clingy romantics who would be convinced they were the height of discrete while practically fused, constantly touching and being snide little judgy dudes together.
#steddie#Steve x Eddie#Eddie Munson#Stranger Things#Only way Eddie doesn't see how Steve's changed is if the Upside Down doesn't exist but then Steve might not have changed#the second Steve asks him out Eddie is 100% in#won't accept anything different#Eddie is a drama king but he's the the sort to be clingy and pushy and cause problems by being too tactile and obvious in a homophobic town#which is why I 100% believe fics where Eddie and Steve fight over Steve refusing to come out or leave Hawkins#Despite also 100% believing Eddie would understand#frankly I fall for all the tropes EXCEPT Eddie not believing (in a canon compliant Upside Down having universe)that Steve has changed#where are my double date fics with Eddie and Steve taking out two girls only to get dumped because they spent more time chatting themselves#What about the fics where Eddie sets Steve up with a metalhead girl only for Steve to be like 'wow I'm super into this'#but then he realizes partway through he is 100% imaging she's Eddie#Or Steve setting up Eddie on a double date only to have a 'oh no I fucked up' moment as he realizes halfway through that he loves Eddie#Steve: Cool Eddie might score (*and it was at that moment he realizes he fucked up) I don't want Eddie to score#Give me hooking up duo who 'just like making out' and 'just aren't ready to get back out there yet' who feel pressured to do so#and they end up throwing hands over it and banging#Eddie: So...that happened. | Steve: Do you think Dustin was right? | Eddie: No way that butthead is right. | Steve: But what if he is?#Eddie: Obviously we can't tell him. | Steve: But we can still make out right? | Eddie: Fuck yeah#Give me dumb bets between guys friends inspired by Steve trying to relate to Eddie like he used to Tommy
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yuwuta · 7 months
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i gave this yuuta fic such a cute name with the plan of it being cute and funny and sort of awkward, and now i'm 8k words into it and yuuta is using biblical analogies to rationalize his love for reader and i've referenced hozier, olivia rodrigo, and sza in the same scene 😐
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daz4i · 8 months
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how and why is there discourse about whether or not certain queer identities exist/if people should be allowed(???) to use them. why is "people know their own identity better than you ever could, and they're the only one who get a say on what they are" such a tough concept to grasp
i think if you find yourself offended by the label someone uses (especially if they're a stranger) or think it invalidates your own, it's a good idea to look inside yourself and question why that may be. more often than not, it's a result of insecurity or uncertainty of your own identity (or many other things, but i won't make a whole list here). whatever reason it is, until you resolve it, you shouldn't take it out on people for having an identity you don't understand
many have said it before but it's worth saying over and over. infighting only helps our oppressors. conservatives don't care if you're a cis gay or a xenogender aegosexual aplatonic lesbian, they hate all of us either way. trying to fit in by going for people who are easier targets for them isn't gonna help you, it'll just alienate you from your own community, and you're never gonna please them. the momentary rush you get from hearing you're not like "one of /those/ gay people" is not worth it and is gonna do more harm in the long run, i assure you
also, it is important to me to say this, but having some less than nice kneejerk reaction caused by confusion about an identity you don't understand doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. as long as you aren't mean to that person, and you take a second to think smth along the lines of "wait a minute, this isn't any of my business" after having said reaction, you're good 👍 a lot of reflexive reactions we have to things are ingrained into us simply by. well. living in a society 🤡 and you're not terrible for having those thoughts. it's your actions that matter, and your second thought (the "wait, why did i just think that?") is more defining of your actual character and morals than your reflex. i know that having thoughts like this, even tho they're unwanted, can very easily make one spiral, so it's important to me that whoever needs to hear this knows this doesn't make you a bad person 🙏 you're good, keep taking actions to be good, accept other people even if you don't understand them, and you're on the right track :)
#i considered adding that last part in the tags but i figured it'll be too long for that 😭#i noticed i'm posting a lot of rants lately. sorry. but i do wanna make sure no one's actually feeling bad over them#if i complain about something that you do or call it mean and such. that doesn't make you a bad person#you can always work to change and grow 👍 it's not easy but it starts with smaller steps than you'd expect#and now i just switched to a whole other topic from my original point. oops#i do firmly believe that any discourse about someone's identity is dumb as fuck#seeing it in poll blogs always makes me 😐😬 like how is it any business for any of us. why is this up for debate#if a person says they're queer then they are. they don't need to pass some test or go through initiation to be accepted#if they feel comfortable with a certain word that's awesome. why does it matter to *you* which word they use#'they're only using this microlabel to feel special' so? is there anything wrong with that?#'this label contradicts [insert other identity that falls under the same umbrella]' ok. but does that hurt anyone in any way#a lot of identities can even be self contradictory. does it matter tho? does it affect anyone in any way?#'they might realize that label is wrong later' again. what's the harm in that.#i don't blame anyone for these thoughts bc like. this is how cishets view a lot of the even more common labels#so you're basically taught to think this way from day one. that doesn't mean you need to stick to that thought process#you might have these reflexes forever no matter how hard you try. but you'll get quicker about moving on from them#but you do have to try. you do have to realize that other people's identities aren't about you#anyway. this post feels like batting at a hornets nest. really hope i don't get some bad faith readers here lol#(i noticed a lot of places one could apply bad faith but like it's 3:30 am i'm too tired to add this many disclaimer.#so i'm gonna trust you to not jump to conclusions and to approach this in good faith okay? mwah 🖤)#also my whole ramble abt morality (in the tags too) is relevant to. any topic really#i may just make a separate post about it really. .....tomorrow tho.
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sol1loqu1st · 1 year
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:/
#like if it is ptsd that means basically it's untreatable right? like the only way to really deal with it is i have to just accept that i'm#going to be miserable and awful to be around forever?#idk like thats why i was kind of hoping it /was/ something more uncommon like osdd because like. i know that can be hard to treat but i've#seen people make it work for them and make it a good thing even if it's hard. there are no upsides or benefits to having Just Fucking Ptsd#there's no sympathy for it if you didnt get it from combat (and even then lol)#and there's no real way to treat it except just learn to fucking avoid triggers and my triggers are FUCKING EVERYTHING#idk i just want a FUCKING SOLUTION and there is none#it's not fucking fair. it's not fucking fair#that my life is permanently ruined and horrible because my fucking mom decided that she needed to have a little mini-me#to project her fucking insecurities on instead of getting therapy#and now i'm never going to be happy! i don't get to have a good fucking life! i h#i have to spend the rest of my life fucking /coping/ with my own existence and having everyone fucking moralize me not wanting to do that#i'm a horrible person for even thinking about this stuff because me saying i cant recover probably makes other people in similar situations#think they also can't recover and i know that makes me bad and awful but like. it's different.#other people have friends who love them and care about them. i will never have that because i'm awful and everyone who gets close to me#realizes how awful i am and runs#other people have a chance at happiness even if it's hard. i don't. i'm never going to have people who love me and care about me. i'm never#going to be anyone's family and i can't fucking stand that
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Sorry weird personal post but.
(putting it under the cut, I always feel a little bit weird and like... not legitimate? but like, why, anyway)
As I thought about the gerudos and also after a conversation I had about worldwide repression of brazilian soft power and its impact on western culture during the 90s, I'm just... I realized one of the reasons why I latched onto the gerudos so hard when I was young, even though it's kiiiind of a stretch culturally speaking and they look nothing like me, is because there was basically *nothing else* in terms of non-western representation in American/European pop culture at the time (especially not featuring cool girls). If you loved fantasy and videogames and wanted to see any non-western representation to spark your imagination, there was literally so little choice. And honestly, as far as Brazil goes (and a lot of South American cultures overall I'd say), there's still almost nothing that holds in the West.
It kind of sucks to realize it was something I really craved growing up and uhhh kind of never got.
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britneyshakespeare · 2 years
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being aroace is weird bc i’m queer but other queer ppl for the most part don’t understand the way i’m queer unless theyre also aro and/or ace
#i belong to the queer community but ppl think i'm an asterisk#queer on a technicality#queer because i'm definitely definitely definitely not straight#and i relate to other ppl under the queer umbrella but i feel like they don't. relate. to me#most likely bc they haven't seen or heard from many ppl w my experience which is...... hmph#bc i didn't really see or hear from anyone w my experience until i realized... oh shit that's me#& had to go seeking out others. i had to be inclined for my own self-interested reasons. which were totally fair#but like most other ppl are just. not. inclined to learn about aspecs especially not arospecs#which frankly i think i just get more and more aro w age#tales from diana#i'm gray aro (but very VERY aro okay very very disinterested in romance & borderline romance repulsed)#it's happened a couple times.... briefly for the most part. the 'gray' area is not very important to me nowadays#but when i was younger & i had NO CLUE i was aro & i just wanted romance i was very very confused#trying to figure out if i liked girls or not...... which i do....... but like...... in the same...... lukewarm way i liked boys#so i am sapphic and when i finally started to accept that side of myself around 18-19 it felt very important to me#& i still am sapphic. i still am queer in that way. but i hardly hardly ever care to define myself as bi these days.#not because i'm NOT bi anymore. but bc the way almost everyone uses 'bi' i just don't really feel represents me.#im aroace... that's what i am. other aroaces & their experiences represent me#my friends irl all know i'm queer but only like 3 of them even know i'm ace. bc it's not easy to come out as.#but i... do not like to tell ppl i'm bi. not anymore. they get the wrong assumptions in their head.#& those assumptions don't make me uncomfortable except for. it's not ME.#that's the only thing wrong w it. it's that there's this big missing MOST OF MY IDENTITY in my relationships.#i wish ppl fuckin understood more widely the aspec experience. for real.#my fellow aspecs i love you all btw.
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abluehappyface · 2 years
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Getting some very Cisn't thoughts and they're WAY stronger than usual..?
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niuxita21 · 1 year
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The absolute Misty Quigley-level mental gymnastics by Ana to come to the conclusion that her breaking Mariana's heart in season 1 was somehow all Juan Carlos's fault because if he hadn't gotten involved with Tere, Ana wouldn't have found out the day of the baptism and she wouldn't have gotten mad at Mariana for keeping that secret from her and, thus, rejected her when she told Ana she was in love with her 🤣🤣
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teaboot · 8 months
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On of the less intuitive things about love, I've found, of any kind, is the importance of needing things.
I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.
It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.
I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.
My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.
Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.
It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.
I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.
"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".
Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.
"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.
Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.
It's not needy, or selfish, or taking up energy. It's giving the gift of being wanted, and needed, and thought of. It's giving someone the security of being part of someone's life.
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transmasc-tabris · 2 months
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More screenshots (bonus, managed to find Bull a shirt and don't know how to feel about that)
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#anyway i continue to Lavellan post because i did some stuff and I'm tired now anyway. thinking about the beginning of the game and#how he's mostly leaning into the herald bullshit because he thinks it'll help him belong here and make people like him and how#devastatingly it's going to hit him after in your heart shall burn (I'm basically leaning into it as much as#possible without establishing him as faithful since it's more difficult to make Leliana pope that way but in my head#he took every 'yeah I'm herald I'm heralding so much andraste right now' option besides one with cass and one with Leliana)#like. he doesn't even really believe it but most people either like hearing it or if they react negatively it's in a way that still#acknowledges him as in charge so he'll roll with that. but then. everything in YHTB happens and it's just like. Oh. Oh Shit. like#it was this mix of bullshitting for fun and saying what people wanted to hear and kind of believing that maybe he was chosen by#Something at least. and like. it's not like he didn't do anything on his own or at least without any special abilities but then#The classic seeing all that be swept aside. realizing how this is going to be remembered because it's already happening. maybe#he should have known that the second he was asked if there was room for more among his gods.#but then. what do you expect. his first memory is being discarded (that's not entirely what it was but that's how his child brain#precessed it) and practically going feral because of it and then. having So Much catching up to do when it came to. basically every#aspect of being a person#and like. he was accepted along with Rella but that still gets to you. especially since. sure he didn't fully understand what it means to#be pitied but he could still recognize that from others. could still want to prove he was Better Than That. could still want to shatter tha#sheet of glass between himself and seemingly everyone else (even Rella to be honest. if only because she almost left him behind too). how#would he not lean into being seen as something special. whether he fully believed the narrative others were spinning or not#i dunno i see a lot of people talking about their Lavellan pushing back against the narrative from the start but i kind of like the#idea of going along with it. thinking it won't get that far and surely he can correct it if it does. he's in charge after all. right? only#to get hit harder than an avalanche by the realization that he's not in control after all. he can direct as many forces as he wants#but he can't change how he'll be remembered. how he's already being remembered. and he contributed to it too? i dunno his specific#combination of pride and insecurity and need to just Belong. to just belong as himself. is. compelling#If anyone is reading this Ive seen posts about all Lavellans having the same personality but no one's elaborated? am i just doing that?#i actually want to know. you know. assuming anyone is reading this.#i dunno just thinking about his continuous need to prove himself for so many reasons (partially because of Rella too since#yeah Rella is a mage but not the first or anything. she's just there because people knew she had nowhere else to go). okay I'll shut up now#but yeah what is this Standard Lavellan Personality i keep hearing about?#original posts#but like. something something he's being discarded again but he understands it this time and he can't fight it and just
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aizenat · 6 months
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There is this girl I went to hs with and the nicest way I can say this is this girl was smart but not particularly so, and had a high sense of self despite being remarkably average. Again, that's the nicest way I can say that. She also got very triggered whenever I was better at her than something (in all fairness, she was like that with anyone better than her, but my friend caught her shit talking me once when I was the only person in my English class to get an A on my Catcher in the Rye essay--something I expected simply because I'm a writer, was then, and I never once got anything less than A on an essay my entire hs career--and that pissed me off particularly because my writing is the ONE thing in this world I can truly say I do better than most people).
Anyway, I learned a while ago that she moved to Boston, and she was associated with Harvard in some way. Without getting too into it, she works there in the weirdest and most random department (not as a professor or anything meaningful or prestigious, which will make sense in a second), doing basically admin shit it seems. I was curious because she's still listed on their site and it says she's been there for like eleven years. I was wondering if she ended up going there as a student in something, but without a linkden or something, I couldn't see. But every time I googled her name and the school, the only thing that came up was her staffing position. No information to indicate she was a student.
Which is funny. I looked up to see if you can go to Harvard for free if you work there, and the do have a reimbursement program, but you'd only get like 75% of fees back, so you'd still have to come out of pocket. And this is an IVY, so that's going to be pretty. And considering what she does, I can't imagine it paying that much where she could easily afford it. Maybe she does take classes and is slowly working her way to some kinda degree, but I doubt it. I feel like she'd at least be able to brag by now given how long she's been there (the site fucking says when she started lol).
Either way, the reason this is funny to me is because she was never even close or talented or impressive enough to anyone let alone college admissions to get into a school like Harvard (I know for a fact she didn't get in in hs lol), and transferring into schools is typically easier, she didn't get her degrees from there according to the site. So I just lowkey find it funny because the closest she'd ever get to Harvard is not as a student or even as someone brought in to teach, but by getting some admin job and sticking around long enough to get her picture on the school's site. She looks so proud in her Harvard shirt, thinking she finally "made it" but never in a way that would actually impress everyone.
It just all feels very fitting for her. In the right spaces to be around more impressive people while being overwhelmingly mediocre her own damn self lol.
#also her last name hasn't changed#meaning she isn't married#and that's also funny not because i value women being married#but like if you knew her in hs and the way she sought out male validation#which was made even more awkward by the fact that no one in our school wanted to date/fuck her#like i graduated a virgin because i was a closeted lesbian and also genuinely wasnt interested in dating in hs#but she graduated a virgin and let's just say it wasn't for lack of trying lol#I also know she never got married because I used to work with her aunt until last year#and the few times i'd ask about her niece to be nice she just said she's working hard up in Boston lol#anyway knowing she didn't have the after hs glow up i'm sure she imagined just is nice#this post is very meanspirited but y'all don't understand what a literal menace this girl was#i didn't even like her and tried my damndest not to be around her but i couldn't always help it#like the essay situation pisses me off because i remember it so vividly too#my teacher was walking around handing them back while we talked a bit and i was talking to my friend and she sat on my friend's other side#because she had no friends herself to sit with of course#and the teacher gave the essays back face down and i remember lifting the top to see the A#frowning because it was a 98 and not a 100% which I didn't accept on my essays back them#did I mention i was/am a perfectionist? lol#anyway i saw the grade and guess i frowned but kept talking to my friend but this bitch saw my face and interrupted me asking what i got#i really didn't want to show her because i was never competing against her despite her always thinking we were#but i showed her and then went on with what i was talking about and it wasn't until everyone else got their essays back#and i heard my classmates complain that i realized no one else got an A on the essay but me lol#i def wasn't telling anyone else i got an A because i didn't feel like dealing with their shit; the AP/honors kids werent my friends too lo#and they were already starting this narrative that the only way to get an A was to write an essay agreeing with everything our teacher said#about the book#and i didn't have the heart to tell them all that I wrote my essay literally shitting on every theme and deep moment our teacher pushed#my entire essay was 'holden is a spoiled brat who has too much money and doesn't respect girls' lol#and that essay got an A so idk what they were on about#i also made a point to argue that the story wasn't deep at all but a spoiled rich kid with depression making it everyone else's problem#and the red cap WASN'T DEEP AND DOESN'T SIGNIFY DEATH OR WHATEVER
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