#but then I went to school where German wasn’t an option anymore

[theflavorofmyautismisspicy]

My Swedish teacher complained how not that many people here studies German anymore. How do I tell her I want to study the language so badly because of a children’s cartoon from 2012

[dreaming-about-fanfictions]

Choose Me Instead II Draco Malfoy x Reader II Chapter 19 of 27: Cursed

Summary: Pretending to be in a relationship with Draco Malfoy to get back at your ex might have not been the smartest idea you ever had. Especially during your last year of Hogwarts where you should be focusing on exams and your future plans. However, you were just pretending. There was no way in hell you could actually catch feelings for someone like Malfoy. … Right?

CHOOSE ME INSTEAD MASTERLIST CHOOSE ME INSTEAD PLAYLIST

A/N: Better late than never lol! Here it is! Thank you for being patient though! ilysm <3 This was a difficult one, I hope you like it! Btw, I recently found out that Dracos mum is called “Narcissa” and not “Narzissa” in the english version. She’s called “Narzissa” in the German Books. However, I’ll keep calling her Narzissa in this story (because I’m lazy and don’t want to change it). Enjoy!

Words: 3.4k Pairing: Draco Malfoy x Reader, post war Warnings: tw eating disorder (mentions of it) --> please be aware that the way eating disorders are approached by the purebloods in this story is not something i (the author) approves of. I just thought it’d be a more realistic way for them to act like this.

It felt wrong.

Draco only used the Room of Requirements to be with you. He never went here on his own. Not that he would ever admit it – but the room scared him. The last time he’d been here alone was at the beginning of this school year. He found out then that it didn’t change for him anymore. All he saw when he walked in were the dirty, cracked windows and the flies and spiders that died in front of them. Old furniture, forgotten books and dirt was scattered around, piling up and towering over him.

As he stood there, his gaze was drawn to the end of the room. Hiding behind the corners, buried under black linen, there it was. The vanishing cabinet. He felt its presence. Looming, waiting, calling for him. Alright, to be fair, the last part was probably only in his imagination. It didn’t change his feelings towards this particular room of Hogwarts though.

It was different when you were with him. It changed for you and turned the monster that it was for Draco into a purring housecat. With you, it felt like a vacation. As if he had travelled to a small cottage, far away from roaring cities or ancient castles.

However tonight, you were not here. Astoria Greengrass had taken your place. She sat on a couch across from Draco, back straight, hands neatly folded in her lap. Her black hair was tied up in a bun and not a single strand of hair was out of place. The spitting image of her mother, Draco thought. He had always wondered about how different the Greengrass sisters looked. Astoria inherited the sharp features, thin lips, and slim figure of her mother. Daphne resembled their father a lot more with her round face, long blonde hair, and the doe-like eyes. The both of them were like night and day. Yin and Yang.

Draco looked around the room which had turned into a smaller version of the Slytherin common room. All the important details where there – from the green colors to the Slytherin emblems on the pillows and carpet. Only the windows were out of place. They didn’t offer him a view inside of the lake but were the same cracked ones, he had seen one too many times in his life. It reminded him that he wasn’t here with you.

It felt wrong.

 ***

Draco leaned back against the chair. He crossed his leg and his fingertips tapped a non-recognizable rhythm on his right upper thigh. Astoria didn’t look up at him when she spoke. He could tell that the words had been carefully chosen in advance. Remembered and recited in front of a mirror. Yet she couldn’t meet his eyes. Draco noticed the way she plucked at the skin on her thumb.

When you’d ask him tomorrow for how long the conversation went on, he wouldn’t have an answer. Time seemed to stand still the moment Astoria opened her mouth for the first time.

“Say something,” she whispered when she finished, and the silence became unbearable.

Draco noticed that there wasn’t a fireplace. Another thing that the Room of Requirement had gotten wrong.

“Say something,” Astoria repeated herself, her voice shaking a little more this time.

Draco stopped the tapping. “Is that why?”, he finally asked.

She hesitated and then nodded. Draco sighed and looked out of the window.

“I’m sorry,” he said after a while.

Astoria scoffed. “Me too.”

“I am,��� he looked back at her.

For the first time since he had entered the room, Astoria lifted her head. When her eyes met his, he saw the anger in them. “I’m dying and all you have to say is ‘Sorry’?”, she spat out.

“You don’t know that,” Draco said matter-of-factly.

Astoria raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“That you’re dying.”

She looked at him as if he was a little slow in his head. “I … I just told you.”

“You told me about the family curse,” Draco corrected her. “No one can say if it will happen to you.”

She let out a huff, stunned by his reaction. Had he not listened to a word she said? “I told you about the clairvoyant at Knockturn Alley!”

“Seers say a lot of shit.” He shrugged and added: “Especially when you pay them.”

Astoria lost her posture – with wide eyes and a shake of her head, she let herself slump back against the pillows. “I can’t believe you’re not taking me seriously.”

Draco sighed and began tapping on his thigh again. The same rhythm from before. “I am, Astoria. I believe you.”

But I don’t want to, he added in his mind. He had heard rumors of the Greengrass curse before – only once, when he was maybe eight or nine years old and while he pretended to be asleep on an armchair, he listened to his mother and her friend.

“The poor woman,” Narzissa had said. “And those girls …”

“We don’t know if it will happen to them,” her friend replied softly.

“Why risk it though?”, he remembered his mother ask. “And decide to give birth to not only one but two girls?”

“Well, if one dies, she will still have the other.”

Looking back, the joke was tasteless and not the least bit funny. He didn’t remember how his mother responded to it. Back then, Draco didn’t understand what the women were talking about. So he had shoved the memory back and forgot – until tonight.

When Astoria came up to him at the Winter Dance, she was more … vague. Talking about how something had changed in her life, how decisions were made for her and that she was left with no option but to finally confine in him. Merlin, Draco had thought she was pregnant. This was worse – for obvious reasons.

“If you believe me, why are you like this?”, her voice ripped him from his thoughts. Draco hadn’t notice that he was staring out of the window again.

He cleared his throat and focused back on the Slytherin girl. “I believe you’re overexaggerating.” It was the truth. Or better – it was a truth. The one he was able to share with her.

“I’m dying.”

“You’re not!”, he replied with a sharp voice.

Astoria flinched.

Draco sighed and leaned forward. “Look,” he continued, much softer now. “I’m sorry. You’re obviously very scared of this – and honestly, who wouldn’t be after receiving such news.” He paused. “But didn’t you just say you never experienced any symptoms?”

She looked to the ground. “Yes.”

“See?”, a smile played around the corners of his lips. “Stop beating yourself up about it.”

Astorias gaze stuck to the ground. His words didn’t ease her pain, he saw that. “I … Look at me, Draco,” she then mumbled.

Draco tilted his head. “I am.”

“No, truly look at me!” She lifted her head. “What do you see?”

He stared at her for a while. What do you want me to say? He refrained himself from asking that. Instead, for the first time in years, he truly looked at her. Her school uniform was in perfect condition, no spot or loose thread in sight. The diamond earrings sparkled in the soft light and around her neck hung a delicate golden necklace. Her outer appearance was perfect. As always. The only thing that was different were her eyes. He frowned when he saw it. The fire in them. Gone. The arrogant spark, challenging every Ravenclaw and Gryffindor that didn’t get out of her way fast enough. He wondered when it had left her.

“I resemble a corpse! I swear, my grandmother had a better complexion than me on the day she died!”, Astoria continued after another minute of silence.

Oh. Draco blinked. She meant that? He wouldn’t have noticed that in a hundred years.

“And I’m so thin and –”

“Because you’re starving yourself,” Draco interrupted her and immediately scolded himself for it.

Astoria, who was in the middle of shifting to a different position, stopped, and stared at him. “What?”

Draco pondered for a moment about his next words. Astoria and her fucked up relationship towards food wasn’t a secret. Well, not since fourth grade when rumors started spreading about the true reasons of why she was always so eager to get to the nearest bathroom after meals. And then her bones began to stick out underneath her school uniform. Everyone noticed it. Everyone looked the other way.  Problems like hers … they weren’t uncommon among their circles. Yet, they were problems to keep to behind closed doors. They were private. Nothing to talk about.

“Everyone needs an outlet for the stress that comes with living like we do,” his father had once said. “Women are just worse in finding the right one.”

Oh, how he hated his father.

Draco smiled sadly at Astoria. “Everybody knows, Astoria.”

“Knows what?”, she asked sharply.

“That you have issues with food.”

Astoria blinked. “I … you’re such an asshole,” she then exclaimed. “You’re an asshole, Draco Malfoy.”

Draco sighed and shifted positions. “Anyways,” he tried to change the subject. “You’re scared, I get it. But so far, you don’t have any symptoms. In fact, you started feeling ill once your mother went with you to see the seer, right? It frightened you and now you can’t stop focusing on that fear.”

Astoria scoffed. “Thanks, Mr. Therapist. You’ve got it all figured out, haven’t you?”

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m just guessing. It doesn’t make sense to care so much about something that might not even happen to you.”

“Doesn’t make sense to you, you mean”, Astoria corrected him.

Draco frowned.

“Because your problems are much more important.”

“My problems are real.”

That was probably the wrong thing to say in this situation. Even Draco realized that. The words had just slipped out. He hated to admit it but the egocentric, narcissistic part of himself believed them.

Astoria stood up abruptly. She smoothed over the fabric of her skirt and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. She then looked at him, no expression on her face. When she spoke, her voice was calm and quiet: “Fuck you.”

With long steps Astoria made her way towards the door.

“Shit,” Draco mumbled under his breath and got up as well. “Astoria!”

She didn’t turn around.

“Astoria, wait! Please!”

The last word made her stop, hand already reaching for the doorknob. As she turned around, there was a bitter smile playing around her dark red lips. “Why?”, she asked him. “I trusted you with something and all you’re giving me is shit.”

Draco looked down to the ground and then back up. “I don’t know how to respond to this.”

“With empathy, Draco,” she folded her arms in front of her chest. “You might want to look that word up.”

Draco let out another deep sigh. A part of him secretly wished she would ignore him and just leave. It would be easier for him. Knowing this wasn’t an option for her, he finally walked towards Astoria. He pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. His words had failed him, they had made everything worse for her and he hoped from the bottom of his heart that this would ease her pain just a little. Astorias body went stiff at first – only after a few seconds did she let her body relax. She leaned into his embrace as if someone took a weight off her shoulders.

“You know I’m here for you,” Draco whispered. “And I will be there in case …”

“In case, I’m dying after all.”

When Draco breathed in, he could smell her lavender shampoo. “Yes.”

Suddenly, her petite body began to tremble. At first Draco mistook it for giggling, then he heard the soft whimpers against his shoulder.

“It’ll be fine. I promise.” He hugged her tighter.

“You can’t promise me that,” she sniffed.

Draco let go of her and took a step back. He put a hand to her cheek, making her look at him. “The curse hasn’t been around for decades. It might skip your generation again.”

Her eyes were red and her cheeks puffy, silent tears running down them. “I’m so scared.”

“I know.”

“Please marry me.”

Draco closed his eyes at her plea. His head suddenly hurt and he wished you were here. You’d know how to handle situations like this.

“Astoria …”

“I know you don’t love me,” she interrupted him, her voice still trembling. “You couldn’t.”

He opened his eyes, looking at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“You love her.”

Her. You. Draco blinked. “What? No, I –”

“I realized it on New Years Eve.” She wiped the tears from her cheek, still holding on to him with her other hand. Astoria cleared her throat. “I didn’t believe it in the beginning but … it’s so obvious. You love her so much, how could I ever expect you to look at me the same way you look at her?”

Draco shook her head. “Astoria –”

“But you know the relationship has no future. Neither of your families would ever agree to it. You know it. You know it in your heart.”

The piercing pain in his forehead grew stronger. When he’d remember this moment, Draco wouldn’t be able to describe his feelings. Her words barely managed to get through to him. You love her, he heard her say over and over again. You love her.

No. He didn’t love you.

He couldn’t.

“Marry me,” Astoria repeated herself and took a step closer again. She had to lift her head to look into his eyes. “My family will secure the future of the Malfoys.”

“I …”

You love her. You love her. You love her.

“What do you get out of it?”, he finally managed to get out and tried to focus back on her, feeling weirdly out of breath.

Another tear rolled down her cheek. No sobs this time. “Once people will be able to see the sickness …”, she hesitated. “I won’t be looked at as the second daughter who’s living in her sister’s shadows.”

You love her.

Draco furrowed his brows at her words, utterly irritated by them. “Nobody thinks that, Astoria.”

She laughed. “Yes, they do! Daphne has always been prettier, smarter, more desired. I can’t compete with her. I am the leftover Greengrass that no one wants and that’s now dying from a family curse. Because of fucking course it would hit me and not my picture perfect sister!”

Draco stared at Astoria.

“But with you,” she continued. “With you people would see that I’m more than that. That I’m worthy of attention and of love despite … being me.”

This is wrong on so many levels, he could hear your voice in his head, clear as day.

“Have you met with the therapist yet?”, Draco suddenly asked out of the blue.

“What?” The Slytherin was thrown off by his question. “Yes.”

“Did you talk to her about this?”

Hearing this made her drop his hands, taking a few steps back. She buried her face in her hands, taking a deep breath. “Oh, fuck you, Draco!”, Astoria muttered. “Stop trying to analyze me!”

“I’m not!”, he assured her. “But … Astoria, this is so fucked up what you just said to me.”

She looked back up at him. “You’re such a hypocrite.”

“Excuse me?”

She chuckled. “You spent a few months with a Gryffindor and now you act like our values mean nothing to you when you are the one who used to scream ‘mudblood’ the loudest.”

Draco swallowed.

“Merlin, what is wrong with me,” Astoria sighed. “After everything I just confessed, you don’t find it in you to show me a little mercy and change your mind?” She smiled at him sadly. “Do you want to marry me?”

“No.”

You love her.

 ***

The talk with Astoria left him feeling uneasy.

It handed after she asked Draco to marry her a second time and he declined. She nodded when she heard his answer, sniffled, wiped the remaining tears away and left. Not without saying “You’ll change your mind sooner or later”. When she was gone, she didn’t take the anxiety with her. Draco had to deal with that on his own. Now, as he walked through the halls of the old castle, his steps were stiff, and he had deep lines between his eyebrows.

“Calm down, she has no symptoms,” he mumbled to himself as he turned another corner.

Yet.

What if he would be wrong after all? What if the curse wouldn’t skip another generation of Greengrass women and fall upon her? What if she would die and he made her last remaining years even more miserable in her eyes because he turned down the proposal?

What if, what if, what if.

He wanted to talk to you about all of it. You’d tell him he didn’t have to feel bad. He didn’t owe Astoria. He shouldn’t be put in this position in the first place. You would find the right words. To be honest, Draco knew all of this himself. He just wanted to hear you say it out loud. Hear the words from another person to ensure that he was right. That he wasn’t crazy or selfish for not sacrificing his life, his future, for a dying girl.

“She’s not dying,” he reminded himself. A Hufflepuff boy passed him and frowned.

“My family will secure the future of the Malfoys.” It was the argument his mother had used against him countless times. He was certain that he’d hear it a lot more often soon. He was aware of how strong the argument truly was. His family could return to their former glory with all the luxury that came along with it. Fancy parties, status, high-paying careers – something he had been promised his whole life and that was stripped away the moment he was forced to become a Death Eater. The promise of a good life. An easy life.

Maybe life shouldn’t be easy for them. At least not so fast. Maybe his father shouldn’t come home from Azkaban one day to live like nothing ever happened. No, Lucius Malfoy deserved to suffer longer than his time in prison. And ultimately, so did his mother and Draco.

Draco gritted his teeth at his thoughts. He couldn’t marry Astoria. Not for that reason. Not to make the life of his family easier. His parents needed to work and plea for their redemption. Just like he did.

“Watch it, Malfoy!”, Seamus Finnigan hissed when he bumped into him. He came out of the library, a stack of books in his arms.

Draco didn’t look at him. Until now, he hadn’t even noticed that he was walking towards the library. It made sense though. The bag that hung from his shoulder seemed to become heavier with every step. The black notebook. He needed to write.

 ***

You sat alone on a table, hunched over a book. More of them piled up next to you, accompanied by an overused quill and bottle of ink.

Exams, Draco remembered. How easy it was to forget those mundane things in the midst of all the sadness. Exams, followed by entrance tests to become an Auror. Draco smiled at the thought of you fighting evil. He was certain that you’d excel at it.

He stopped in the middle of the corridor, not caring about the annoyed huffs and curses from students who almost ran into him. He watched you. The way you sometimes licked the tip of your finger before turning a page. How you sighed and frowned when you didn’t understand a passage.

You love her. The words shot through his mind.

It was different to the scenes he had read in books when he finally saw it. When he blinked and it was suddenly so clear to him. His heart didn’t stop, his knees didn’t become weak, he didn’t hear violins around him. No, a ray of sunlight that fell through the window and hit your face, caused you to lift your head. In that moment, your eyes found his. A smile played around your lips as you waved at him and pointed at the seat next to you. And it was so clear to him, that he wanted this all along: to be with you. To come home to you.

You love her, Astoria had said. 

And he knew she was right.

***

A/N: How did you like it?? I’m so excited to hear from you!! <33

CHAPTER 20

HP Masterlist General Masterlist

Tag List:  @writerdee1701, @youareinllve, @sjmahoney, @detroitobsessed, @takura-rin, @jadam268, @wynterwind,  @renaissance-confiance, @doitforthevine67, @ilovemollyweasley, @flowerpowerpixie, @gold-flowing, @starkssnarks, @bookcornerkins, @harpersmariano, @markedsweetly, @iraniq, @pointlesscoconut, @hvrcruxes, @pillowjj, @idkatee,    @magicwithaknife, @graystherapy, @scoote-rankle, @nxstalgicnxbxdy, @sunsetsofanemoia,  @tommy-holland, @lordfxxker, @streetfighterrichie, @awaken-the-sirens, @destiels-assbutt13, @pockitparks, @just-addicted-to-bangtan, @cuddlykoala101, @zpandaqueen ,  @natsiboo, @jjjmaybank, @justmesadgirl, @books-and-tings, @slytherinprincedracom , @katiaw2, @saintkore, @nctnight, @lifestragedy, @obxmxybxnk, @spideydobik , @ladylizzieofdarbyshire, @aspiring-ginger, @dracomalfoyswifey, @jpow345, @realistic-breadstick,  @abbs-is-tired, @alwaysbeanunknownfan, @niallsarmveinstho, @is-this-a-febreze-commercial, @acciowilltolive, , @sexytholland, @faangirl101, @donttellany1iusetumbler, @mendesmuffinsss, @lilxnvm, @kill-the-teen-memories, @darkusangelus, @itsbebeyyy, @hesaidimcrazy, @jenniweaslee, @hpxpjo, @brisbubble, @xomaymay, @shitnstuffillregret, @serialkillme, @angel-tears15, @panicattheeverywherekid, @obsssedwithjustaboutanything,  @nobleking, @tashii-blr, @ddaeing, @randogirlo-fando-main, @sadgirlnumber92899, @captivateing, @bitchyegirl, @smiithys, @ninipoo1, @intheawks,  @nothanksnyla, @calpal-4ever, @dracosathenaeum, @belsandthings, , @kiwi-sloan, @xdmx, @lexi-ravenclawdracomalfoy, @kvyenxay, @live-awkward, @babebenhardy, @bitchysweets-blog, @cravingmusic, @frau-moon, @ohissandhalasta,  @broken-but-beautiful-cassie, @lil-black-heart,  @vminenthusiastt, @dracos-sluts, @mrmoonyy, @saucysuazo, @fuzzzwald, @matsuno-nadeshiko, @amber-arsenault ,  @loveableasshole,  @spideycures, @echpr, @shiningstar-byulxx,  @twinklebug2282, @bloodiedroses, @klthmef, @ostorian ,  @bi-chai-tea, @maddieisnotok, @amandaluvssupernatural, @makeoutwithstiles,    @i-am-addicted-to-tea, @tenclouds, @lovingdracomalfoy, @lannaax, @dr-bitch-bby,  @fallinallinmendes, @suckerforparker, @runninglownad, @piercinghorizons, @dosicas, @yanaaaaaaa,  @akzer300500 @hoseokslily, @dracofeltonmalfoy, @emilianamason, @tothemoonwithclifford, @gcldreinhart ,  @angelofthorr, @k-k0129, @musicalmuffindog1410, @andydre4m, @mxl-foyrecs, @seeinorange, @vlgsqd , @justmimithings, @allthevoicesinmyhead, @pipppaaaaalouisee, @yessirrz, @2think2twice2 @spencerreidisbootiful, @find-a-little-faith, @thatguppienamedbae, @emmamarie7708, @dontpanicitsdan @jordaangx, @ceeellewrites, @drxcomvlfx, @7minutes-tomidnight, @coldheartedslytherin, @wingardiumdepressionosa, @perfect-storm95, @danisaur1324, @unlikely-y-bliss, @trentdijklfc66, @saptediavoli, @treestarrrrrrrr, @aangsupremacy @yaanasluv, @megamihatake, @lavenderblossom12, @bimbelle, @beiahadid, @weasleytwinswheezes, @bogikrmn, @gublerslut, @prongsandprancer, @superkawaiicandyfloss , @instantllamaruins​

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[avintagekiss24]

Home > Steve Rogers

|| pairing: 1940′s!steve rogers x black!reader

|| word count: 3,224

|| warnings: angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, mention of war, mention of Bucky’s death, canon divergence/canon adjacent

|| challenge: @cake-writes​ 1940′s challenge: “Loose lips sink ships”

|| square filled: @star-spangled-bingo​ 2020 O5: Steve’s Compass

|| note: I totally forgot about this challenge, lol. I signed up for it last year and it just totally slipped my mind until today. Which is why I’m posting so late (here in the US anyway) so I can make the due date of today, May 8th. This is canon adjacent? Canon Divergence? I don’t know, lol. All I know is it’s 1945 and Steve never crashes his plane. He goes home to get his girl. The timing might be a little off. I went off the MCU timeline, where he gets injected around 1939? When he’s around 21 years old.

The song reader is singing is Lover Man by Billie Holiday and her outfit is also inspired by Billie. I’m not sure of the gif credit, I got it from google. If you know, or if it’s yours, please let me know so I can credit you! Line credit once again goes to @writeyourmindaway​!

Brooklyn. 1945.

“The night is so cold and I’m so all alone. I’d give my soul just to call you my own.” 

You sway slowly as you croon into the microphone, the band playing behind you. You scan the small room, packed with bodies, all eyes on you as you sing. They sip on their drinks under the dim lights and there’s a low murmur from the people at the bar, but even they turn and lean against it to watch you, putting their orders on hold for just a few minutes. It’s still amazing to you - a transplant negro girl from Louisiana - having all these faces staring back at you, admiring you. Black faces, white faces, tan faces, it didn’t matter. They were all here for you.

The bar is a small one but word spread fast and within months, not a chair or table or stool could be found empty on a Friday or Saturday night when you were there. The cops don’t even really bother you or Sam, the owner and one of the first people to notice your talent, anymore. Some even stop by for a drink and a quick song. 

Your eyes flutter shut, “Got a moon above me but no one to love me. Lover man, oh, where can you be?” You hear the door creak open and close seconds later, but continue to sing, “I’ve heard it said that the thrill of romance can be like a heavenly dream. I got to bed with a prayer that you’ll make love to me.”

There’s a sudden commotion. You pop your eyes open, squinting as you try and make out the dark silhouettes in the corner. A few heads turn at the voices and loud shhhh’s ring out throughout the room. The noise dies away from the door, but the bodies are still crowded around - Jimmy, the bouncer, James “Rhodey” Rhodes, the bartender and maybe Sam, you can’t tell. In the center of them, a mess of blonde hair. 

----------

“Steve,” Sam whispers hard, “She doesn’t want you here, you know that.”

Steve’s shoulders slump a little as he takes a deep breath, “I haven’t seen her in six years.” He answers slowly, softly, “Please.”

Sam and Rhodey exchange glances before Sam takes a deep breath. He tosses his eyes back towards the stage to watch as you sing. Quick memories flash back to him from years before. Steve helping, well trying to help, set up the place when Sam first bought it. You and Steve slow dancing together in the middle of the empty floor. The three of you kicking back with ice cold Coca Cola’s, daydreaming about how big this place was going to be one day. 

He cuts his eyes back to the tall blonde in front of him. He didn’t believe it at first, when he saw a picture of him in the papers. The sickly, five foot something Brooklyn boy was now a towering six foot man. Rippling muscles, no lingering cough, a straight spine… this wasn’t the Steve Rogers that left for war. This is Captain America standing in front of him now. 

“Sam,” Steve starts, “Rhodey, you know me.” He pleads, “Please, just a minute of her time, that’s all I ask.”

Rhodey lets out a breath and throws his hand on his hip, “Just let the boy stay. He gets outta hand, Jimmy’ll throw him out.”

Steve cuts his eyes towards the burly Jimmy. He’s big, but he’s no match for the new, improved Steve Rogers, “I don’t want to hurt you, Jimmy.”

“Shit,” Jimmy swears under his breath, “I’ve read all about you. I don’t want you to hurt me neither.”

“One drink.” Sam warns, his eyes stern, “One drink and you gotta go. I don’t want her getting upset over the likes of you.”

Steve throws up his hands, “One drink.”

“You got it?” Sam asks, turning towards the soft-hearted Rhodey.

“I heard ‘ya. One drink, that’s it.”

Sam turns on his heel and moves off without another word. Rhodey waves Steve with him, walking back behind the bar to grab a tall glass, “Sip it slow, Rogers.”

Steve tips his head towards the older man and accepts the golden liquid that’s slid his way. He brings it to his lips and takes a small, slow sip as he turns to face the stage. His eyes soften immediately at the sight of you. You’re just as beautiful as he remembered, although, a little more grown up now. You’re in a black sequin, form fitting dress - low cut to expose your… one of his favorite parts of you. A large white flower is pushed into your hair and a small smile quirks onto his face. He used to love bringing you flowers. 

He closes his eyes so he can hear you, just like he used to. Suddenly, it’s 1935 again. The two of you, with Bucky pulling up the rear (only there for you and Steve’s protection), walk slowly home from school. They’d wait for you everyday, right around the corner of your school, and as soon as the two of you were out of eyeshot of anyone, he’d link his fingers with yours and kiss you right on your cheek. With your fingers laced together, your arms swinging gently, you’d sing some old song, one he’s never heard before, one you’d have to explain to him as an old southern spiritual. Bucky would always know the songs, but he wasn’t as sheltered as Steve. He was worldly already at seventeen. 

Steve lets out a slow breath as he lets the words of your song seep into him.

Strange as it seems

Someday we’ll meet and you’ll dry all my tears

Then whisper sweet little things in my ears

He has every intention of doing just that. 

----------

“A- huggin’ and a-kissin’, oh, what we’ve been missin’. Lover man, where can you be?”

You smile as the band finishes and the room erupts in applause for you. You thank the band, extending a hand of your own for them before you announce a short intermission for a quick smoke and a drink. Jimmy helps you off the stage and ushers you towards the bar, where you’re met with a large smile and a ready made Manhattan. 

“That was beautiful, doll.” Rhodey compliments, handing you a cigarette before striking a match, “Just beautiful.”

“You’re too kind,” you giggle as you lean forward, placing the cigarette to your lips for him to light, “I was a little flat.”

He waves you off, scoffing quickly, and gives you a wink before he moves to another patron. You take a drag of your cigarette and let out the smoke slowly before flicking the butt and bringing your drink to your lips. You hum lightly as the sweetened liquor slides down your throat and settles in your belly, giving you an instant warmth. You swear, you don’t care where you go, Rhodey makes the best damn Manhattan in all of New York. 

“You sounded amazing up there.”

You freeze as the voice sounds to your right. Your lips part as the familiar voice swirls around your brain, activating a part that you thought you had left behind. You turn towards the owner and gasp at the person staring back at you. You recognize most of him. His eyes, that wispy blonde hair that he used to sweep away from his forehead, those big ol’ ears. But, that strong jaw, the height, the thickness… you didn’t believe it then -  the stories, the pictures -  but God, you can’t deny it now. 

Doesn’t make you any less mad.

You drop your eyes back to the glass in front of you and take another drag of your cigarette, “Thank you.” You say flatly. 

“I always knew you’d make it one day.” Steve says softly, “I knew people would love you.”

“Not the right people apparently.” You snap back.

You close your eyes and rub your temple as the anger you buried six years before starts to resurface. You feel his eyes on you, those same blue eyes that you used to see your forever in. You turn back towards him, blinking quickly. You don’t say anything, you just stare at him while he stares back at you. Anger flashes through you again as he gives you those puppy dog eyes, trying to make you feel bad for him. 

“Why are you here?” You ask bluntly, “I told Sam I didn’t want you here.”

“I wanted to see you. I had to.”

“For what? Hmm? To spring something else on me, Steve? You have a wife? A kid on the way?”

He sighs as you practically scream at him, “It’s been six years, you can’t honestly still be this mad at me.”

“A lifetime could pass, and I still wouldn’t want to see your face.” You stand, grabbing your drink, “Give the Germans a message for me, hm? Tell them that if you’re still breathing, they aren’t doing their job so well.”

You turn and push through the crowd of bodies before he can say another word. You finish your set some hour or two later and stay behind for a little attention, after all, you are a single girl. You feel those eyes on you the entire while but you pay him no mind. You laugh, you flirt, you nuzzle in a little closer than you usually would - pull on a few ties. A twenty seven year old girl should be a wife. The man you thought would make you an honest woman decided war was the better option. 

It’s almost midnight before you decide to head home. It’s a nice night, the sky clear and full of bright stars, so you wave Sam off when he offers to walk you home. He insists, but you know this neighborhood like that back of your hand. You wouldn’t feel safer in any other place in the world. So, he wraps your fur scarf around your neck and sends you on your way with a quick kiss on the cheek and a smile. 

You’re not but ten steps away from the bar when you first notice the presence behind you. You stop to light another cigarette before you call out to him, “I don’t need you to follow me.”

“I’m gonna walk you home.”

“I don’t need you too.” You reinforce.

“I’m going to walk you home anyway. I’ll keep my distance, I promise.”

You sigh heavily. The persistence of him hasn’t changed and the pounding headache you have won’t let you argue. You walk slowly, taking in the fresh air and the calm night as the one and only Captain America follows you home. He keeps his distance, just like he promised. Once you climb the steps to your stoop, you turn again, watching as he stops at the bottom of the steps. 

“I’m home now, thank you.” You say flatly again, clearing your throat.

He nods gently, “My pleasure.”

You blink at him, your lips parting as words threaten to fall from them. You open your mouth wider, even inhale to begin to speak, but you can’t. The words just won’t come. The memories of your last night come flooding back to you - the screaming, the tears. If you walk out that door, don’t you ever think about coming back. Do you hear me, Steve? Don’t you ever come near me again!

Your eyes start to water at the thought. You have to turn your head away from him, you have to stare down the street to try and stop the tears from falling. It doesn’t work. You drop your head as a single tear slips down your cheek and splatters on your patent leather pumps. Your chin trembles as you glance back up towards the sky and hold your hand over your mouth.

“Let me make it up to you,” he says, his voice full of emotion, “I can fix it.”

“We had plans, Steve.”

“I know that,” he answers quickly, “You aren’t seeing anyone, are you?”

You scoff, crossing your arms over your chest, “Loose lips sink ships, Captain.”

He takes a deep breath, “I don’t really care if you or not. Let me fix it - I can fix it.”

“Fix it?” You shout as all of the pent up emotion you’ve held in for all these years comes pouring out onto your cheeks, “Fix it? How are you going to fix it? I’m just supposed to forget that you walked out on me? That you chose killing Germans over starting a life with me?”

“You don’t understand-”

“I don’t need to understand! You and Bucky both, you just -” 

Your words come to halt at the mention of his name. Steve drops his head as he swallows hard and has to close his eyes. Bucky’s mother didn’t even have a body to bury. You couldn’t breathe when you heard the news. His sister, Rebecca, came to tell you and you just… you hadn’t ever felt a pain like that. James Buchanan Barnes was good to you - loved you like you were one of his own. Not only had you lost the love of your life, you’d lost your best friend now too. 

You clear your throat, “You both just left. No warning, barely a goodbye and poof. Gone.”

“I thought about you everyday,” Steve says, his eyes still closed, “Every damn day. You were the only thing that kept me alive.”

You laugh sarcastically, “Don’t say that. I had nothing to do with keeping you alive, that shit you got pumped into you did.”

He shakes his head emphatically, “You kept my heart beating. That’s what I mean. I was fighting for you, and for Sam, and my mom and dad. I had a duty,” he stresses, his voice breaking under it, “You don’t understand what that meant to me, being able to fight.”

You roll your eyes but he continues anyway, “It had nothing to do with my love for you. I could have done it better, yes. I could’ve communicated with you better, yes, but it had nothing to do with how much I loved you. How much I love you even now… despite you wanting me dead.”

You sigh heavily as your words from earlier in the evening, “I didn’t - I didn’t mean that.” You answer softly.

He flashes a knowing smile, “Yeah you did.”

You roll your eyes again and shrug. You glance back down the street, sniffling softly as you hug yourself. You can’t lie to yourself, you are glad he made it home in one piece. You blink back at him, finding his big, wide, blue eyes on you still. He takes a step closer, resting his hand on the railing. He pulls something from his pocket, running his fingers over the gold cover before he pops it open.

He takes another breath as a small smile spreads on his lips. He turns it towards you and holds it out for you to take. You eye him suspiciously for a few seconds, but you take a step, and then another, and another until you’re within reach of the round object. You take it from his fingers and bring it to your eyes, taking a breath when you see a picture of yourself staring back at you.

“That’s my compass. I used it every day - I saw you every day. You are why I made it home.” He says softly, his watery eyes bouncing between yours, “I’m home now - for good, and that’s how I can fix it. I willingly offer you every day of my life from this minute on. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I’ll get for you. I’ll protect you, I will love you, I will honor and treasure you. I’ll give you every piece of me.”

You hold a hand over your chest, for fear that your heart will leap right out of it. You drag in deep breaths as you shake your head, “I don’t know you anymore. I don’t know you.”

“You know me,” he answers quickly as he pushes up the stairs to meet you, “I’m still me, just in a new body, that’s all.”

“I don’t want this new body. I loved you just as you were.”

He grabs your hands, bringing the backs of your fingers to his lips as you cry, “I know you did baby. Give me a chance, baby doll. Please? You’ll like this new body once you see it, I promise.” He smiles. 

You don’t. Deep in the back of your mind you want to believe him. You want to fall into his arms and have him kiss your tears away and make love to you until you can’t stand it anymore. You want to wake up in his arms tomorrow and every day after that until you take your dying breath - but it’s not that easy. You were idealistic in highschool and stayed that way right up until the day he left, but you aren’t now. You can’t afford to be. It’s still only 1945. He’s still a white man, you’re still a negro woman. You’re still not able to mix, not that boldly anyway.

“It’s not that easy.” You whisper.

He rests his forehead to yours, “It is that easy,” he whispers back, “Let me prove it to you.”

“No, it’s - they won’t leave us be. You can’t be with me - “

“Don’t you talk like that.” He says sternly, “I dare anybody to say anything to you. I’ll throw ‘em through a goddamn wall.”

“Steve - “

He cuts you off, bringing his finger to your lips. You close your eyes and take a few deep, calming breaths. God knows you want to believe him. You’ve been so angry for so long. He places his large hand to your chest, resting his palm right over your heart.

“I can make you love me again.” 

You inhale sharply as you look up at him, “I never stopped loving you, Steve. I never stopped.”

You moan when he crashes his lips to yours. He lifts you from your feet with complete ease, an ease you’ve never seen him display before, and crushes your now much smaller body to his. You wrap your arms around his shoulders as you kiss him back hard, pulling back only to tilt your head before diving back in for more of him. You press your hands to the sides of his face as you catch your breath, his lips moving down to your chin and to your neck, placing kisses on every inch of exposed skin. 

You dig into your purse, pulling out your keys. He pulls back - out of breath, his lips flushed red and swollen as he stares up at you. You push your keys into the palm of his hand and wrap your legs around his waist as you nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck. You close your eyes as he holds you tight, cradling an arm underneath your behind before he walks up to the front door of your building. He slips the key inside the lock and twists, pushing the door open, before you direct him to your humble apartment. 

You wake up in his arms the next morning, and every day after that until you take your last breath. 

[tanyalovesreading]

My Story

Hey guys!

I have thought about this quite some time, and I think there are more people like me out there. So, I decided I wanted to share my story with you of how I became a witch. It’s been quite some years and maybe I don’t remember certain wordings anymore. But I wanna tell you the honest truth. I think I’ve never actually talked about all of it in detail. And I am not sure yet how this will all play out with me and remembering everything. There are a few things that seem hard to believe, but trust me, this actually happened. So here we go :D

Let’s start with little me. I grew up in a pretty catholic family. In Bavaria. Where everything beside being catholic is not accepted. I went to church every Sunday and to all the big festivities like Easter and Christmas. When you’re in 3rd grade (so about 8/9 years old) you’ll have the Holy Communion. The first one. It basically initiates you into the church. At that time, we didn’t have a choice.

Maybe a few words about the German school system. You HAVE to take religious studies. When I still went to elementary school there was no other option. We had 3 hours a week and the whole year was separated for these 3 hours into 3 groups: Catholic, Evangelic and Ethic. As we had mainly Christians in our area, we got those options and then the Ethic kids. In there were all other religions and faithless people. That’s how it is.

So, if your whole class is attending the Holy Communion you also go. I can’t remember any year, as long as to the end of high school, where not everyone attended. At that age you don’t get it. Why you’re doing this. So, you just attend bible study and youth group and have a lot of fun with your classmates.

Obviously growing up in a catholic family like mine, it is only logical after being initiated to become an altar girl. By that time, we had a really great priest and we were quite many kids. We did a lot of afternoon activities together and went somewhere for the weekend. This took almost all my time. The rest of it I spent at karate. I liked it and it was a great sport that could easily be included with my daily activities.

But pretty soon after the holy communion I went and broke my arm. Bye bye karate… For some time this meant I had more time for church. I attended 5 times a week as an alter girl and it took a lot out of me. It took me about two years (when I attended a catholic middle school) that it was no fun for me anymore. I stopped going to church so much, and said I had to study a lot (which was kinda true). By that time a also joined a choire. I loved it. I mean we also sung at church some time, but most of it consisted of singing classical music, doing musicals and joining the theater for operas or theaters. The dynamic changed and I started to spend a lot of time there.

Until my family (and yes I don’t only mean my parents) got mad at me for not attending church as much. God would hate me. So they sent me off to boarding school. It wasn’t far away, but it was catholic and that would do. The boarding school system was kinda weird. I didn’t know any other boarding school who did this. We only slept there. Our schools where all around the city. The boarding house was mixed with girls and boys. The school I went to was girls only, the boy’s school just across the yard.

So what was our day like? We got up at 6 am, because we were expected at morning prayer at 6:45 am. After that we had breakfast and we went to school. Our walking time varied between 10 – 30 minutes, depending on which school we attended. Most of us (who had a further way back) came from school around 1:45 pm and then we had to hurry to lunch which started at 1:30 pm. After that we had a bit of break, and first study time would start at 2:30 pm. For one hour. Then we would have 15 minutes of break, another hour of study time, 30 minutes of break and then another 45 minutes. By then it would be 6 pm. The day pupils would leave and we had dinner. Don’t forget the praying. After that we actually had some free time until we had to be in bed at 9 pm. On Thursdays we also had to attend evening prayer. And that was our day.

By this time I actually hated praying and god and everything that had to do with it. It took too much out of me and I couldn’t be myself. Around that time (I must’ve been 12) I started reading up on other religions and finding paganism. I’ve only heard about it this far and what I’ve heard was what the church told us. Worshipping Satan, dancing around naked, yadayadayada… I started getting interested when I read and saw what paganism really was about. I started learning about different deities and religious paths even within paganism and decided that I really liked that. The individuality. How everyone wasn’t afraid of their gods and how everyone actually had fun being religious. But I also knew I could never tell my parents. My family. Because I knew what they would say. And this just couldn’t happen. After one year at boarding school I was allowed to come back home. I was happy, but also dreaded it. They expected me to have deepened my faith, which had not happened of course. So, what would I do?

I could hide it pretty well in the beginning. By the time I came home, I had to chose a (I don’t know what else to call it in English) educational path. I took languages. That meant a lot more studying. And my parents were content. I went to church on Sundays, but I couldn’t during the week. They saw me studying the whole time. Good thing, they never checked what I was studying because then they would’ve found herbology, crystals, deities and whatever else there beside my schoolwork. It actually took them 1,5 years to catch on. By then my father had become a real alcoholic. He not only mentally abused me, my sister and my mother but from time to time he would hit us. Well, me and my mum, because my sister was his little angle. In the beginning I was mad about that, but this meant she was safe. So there’s that. One evening I was out (I rejoined the choir when I came back home) and came home pretty late. I heard the yelling all across the street because they left the balcony door open. I dreaded going up to our apartment but I had to. When I entered I was bombarded with yelling. I didn’t even know why in the beginning. Both my parents just yelled at me and then my dad hit me. I tried getting to the room I shared with my sister. And when I looked in there I realized why they were mad. My dad found all my secret stashes. All of them. My pentacles, my papers, my books, my wand, … everything. Even now, 10 years later I can’t tell you what happened that night. I just … I didn’t know what would happen. I didn’t know…

Anyway. A few weeks later I was called to the youth officers office. When I entered I was greeted by a child service worker. She told me a neighbor reported my dads yelling and overheard all the threats coming my way. One day they wanted to come to check, but they heard him. So there was their proof. They offered me to come with them, to get away from him. I immediately accepted. I spent time till Christmas in a foster family, after that they put me into a foster home. Long story short. I couldn’t have any faith. At that point it was not mentally possible. It took me finishing high school and leaving the country to find myself again.

I left to go study in the Netherlands when I was 19. And I absolutely loved it. I was finally free.  It was then that I started to find my way back to witchcraft. Very slowly. But steady. There was no one telling me what to believe. It was fun to talk to my fellow students about everything and nothing, but faith never mattered.

I had to quit the study after a year, because of money issues and just moved across the border to Germany. Which was still at the other end of the country. Far away from my parents. I started working as an EMT (I already had the training from before I left Germany) and I was really happy being a witch, finally having a path that I loved and a job that wouldn’t clash with my believes.

About three months ago I had a crisis again. My parents came back into my life and I questioned a lot of life choices. I couldn’t remember why I became a witch in the first place. My life wasn’t so bad when I still believed in god, right? But I couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to church. I started taking bible studies with Jehovas Witnesses. And I liked it. I remembered a lot and their gatherings gave me what church never did: A sense of familiarity. Of belonging. But it didn’t take long for me to realize why I left church. It’s just not for me. A god that always wants you to follow his rules. If you don’t there’s not great life for you. And that’s not what I believe in. So last week I did some more meditation especially on that topic and I found my path. Myself. I had a beautiful encounter with a goddess who told me, whatever my path will be, it is the right one as long as I see myself in it. And that’s what I am doing now. Being myself. Caring about myself.

And this last week I have felt more like myself and more at peace, that I have … ever. Sometimes it’s hard to find your way and sometimes you have to leave your path to find the right one. But the only right one is the one where you can find yourself. Everything else is a lie.

________________________________________

So that’s it. That’s my story. I had to leave out some bits because I just couldn’t talk about them, even though I wanted to. I wanted to show how it doesn’t matter where you’re coming from or how many obstacles are in your way. If it is meant to be, then you will find your way through the world. Just be courageous. And don’t be mad if there’s a time when you can’t be.

This thing kinda stirred things up for me. And I really should work on them. But to all of you witches out there. Babies or not. Broom closeted or very open about your faith: If you ever need someone to talk to, write me. I always have an ear for everyone of you. I never had someone to talk to about any of this. So I want to give you the opportunity I never had.

I’d love if you shared this, show others they’re not alone out there. That there are others like you :D

So I wish all of you a great day and Blessed be :D

[nataliecarsonsuniverse]

Say You Will Remember (Part 6)

Check my master list for previous chapters :)

Summary: 2016: Spencer has just gotten married to (Y/n), the girl of his dreams. The two navigate their new life together as they work through his demanding job and a stalker that just won't leave them alone. 

2018: Wendy and Peter have been hiding out in Maine for nearly a year now from Wendy's abusive ex. The two are just starting to settle into the new lives that they hope to spend with each other.

2020: After two years of searching for his missing wife, (Y/n) and Spencer are brought back together again. However, things take a turn for the worse as Spencer realizes that she is no longer the same girl he married.

September 2017

Delaware

Her eyes were covered when she heard the door open. Shuddering in the chair that she was bound to (Y/n) cried out her body already tensing not sure what was going to come next but knowing that it was going to be bad.

“Please.” She whispered. “No more.” She felt the gloved hand come in contact with her skin wiping away the tears before he removed her mask from her eyes. She wasn’t sure exactly how long it’s been since she was taken from their home. It was hard to keep track when she was tied to a chair in the middle of a warehouse with no windows. There was no way to tell time, it could be 12 pm it could be 2 am, she has no idea. If she had to guess how long she’s been here she would say between 72 hours and 4 weeks. She really did have no idea.

(Y/n) watched as the man who was holding her captive grabbed a needle from a tray. She shook her head no but it was no use, he injected the drug into her blood. She rolled her head back in the chair giving up what little fight she had left in her. The man then wheeled over the tv plugging in his laptop.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked her voice hoarse from screaming.

The man didn’t say anything, only attaching wires to her head. She started shaking and crying harder. “He gave me to you.” The man said finally. “He’s the reason you are here, he is the reason you're suffering. He chose to save himself and give you to me.”

“But what do you want from me?” (Y/n) screamed at him causing him to slap her hard across the face.

After attaching all the wires, the man went over and played a video on his computer, she watched one of the many press briefings that Spencer has given during his time at the job. (Y/n) started shaking before the electric currents even started just seeing his face. When the electric currents started, (Y/n) closed her eyes causing the man to come over and make sure she was watching.

“He did this to you.” The man repeated. “He’s the one who is hurting you. He hurt you for so long. Don’t you remember?” (Y/n) nodded weakly. “Good girl.” He said turning down the current to be less painful. She continued to watch as Spencer spoke trying her best to ignore the pain. They went on like that for God only knows how long. Him turning up the current, forcing her to watch Spencer before turning it back down when she said that he was hurting her, that this was his fault.

Eventually, the man stopped leaning down in front of her. “You did so well today,” he said, reaching up to stroke her cheek. He slowly took all the wires off of her before leaving and coming back with food. “He’s not even looking for you.” The man said. “That’s how little he cared about you. How disposable you are.”

(Y/n) nodded once, her heart was fighting but her brain was starting to believe what this man was telling her. When she thought about Spencer she thought about the pain, the smell of this dungy warehouse, and the sound of electricity from the car battery crackling. “You know he actually told me how to hurt you the most.” The man said and (Y/n) shocked her head not wanting to believe what he was saying but also knowing that there had to be some truth to it. “Told me that you don’t even change lightbulbs at home because you are so afraid of getting shocked. He told me that the best way to hurt you would be to shock you.” (Y/n) cried, dropping her head down, the drugs were making her feel lightheaded and all she wanted to do was lay down on this dirty floor and sleep. “You can’t even shock yourself by changing a lightbulb, it's almost impossible. And I bet he explained that to you like twenty different times.”

She nodded and all of a sudden she was back at home. For a second she felt safe again but then he was storming out of the bathroom yelling at her. The bulb had died at some point and she had not bothered changing it knowing that he would be home tonight. She had been using the restroom in the dark for three days as she refused to change it.

“(Y/n)!” Spencer yelled. “Why is the bathroom light out?”

“I was too afraid to change it.” She responded.

“How many times do I have to fucking tell you that you can not shock yourself changing it?” He yelled at her storming over to where she was on the couch grabbing her arm to roughly yanking her up.

“Spencer!” She shrieked.

“Don’t Spencer me,” he responded, dragging her to the kitchen where he grabbed a new bulb, shoving it roughly into her hands. “Change it!” He ordered it when they made it to the bathroom. (Y/n) shocked her head, which only made him madder. He grabbed her hand forcing her to change it, her crying the entire time.

“I have not been gone for seven days only to come home and find a dead bathroom light bulb because my mouse of a wife can't change it.”

“I’m sorry.” (Y/n) said hearing someone call her name in the background. “I’m sorry.” She repeated over and over again tears streaming down her face.

“Come back to me (Y/n).” she heard the man say snapping her out of her memory, she was back in the warehouse and while she didn’t feel safe here by any means she was also relieved to be pulled back to reality from the horrid memory. “I think that you’ve had enough for today.” He said.

“Thank you.” She whispered the man nodded once before checking to make sure she was still tied up tightly.

“Get some rest,” he said softly and (Y/n) only nodded feeling her eyelids already starting to close. When they closed she prayed that she would make it out of this somehow, in some way that did not involve her going home to the other monster. She prayed that she would have a dreamless sleep and not be haunted by Spencer.

When she awoke again, it was to the warehouse door slamming shut. Immediately she started crying, not ready to again be subjected to the electric current. She looked over to whom she expected to be the man dressed in all black with a motorcycle helmet on but instead she was shocked when she saw Peter running to her.

“Hey” He whispered as he quickly untied the ropes that bound her. “Hey it’s okay.” As (Y/n) sobbed. Once he got her hands untied she quickly threw them around his neck looking for any kind of human contact. “You’re okay,” he said again as he untied her legs. She tried to stand up but immediately fell over, had it not been for Peter she would’ve hit the ground but he quickly scooped her up.

(Y/n) kept her hands around his neck burying her face into his chest sobbing her heart out. “Please don’t make me go back.” She said and he ran a hand through her hair whispering sweet nothings into her ear.

Outside he shielded her eyes from the sun as he gently laid her down in the backseat. She was grateful to not have to be sitting upright anymore, her hands and feet were still tingling from being bound for so long. Peter closed the door gently before going around and getting in the driver's seat. “Please.” (Y/n) whispered. “I can’t go back to him.”

“I would never take you back to him,” Peter responded.

“Where are we going to go?” she asked. “He’ll find me.” she cried staring up out the sunroof of the car. It appeared to be around 3 pm. She wondered how long she’s been gone, how long she had been stuck there.

“We’re going to go up to Maine. I have a cabin up there, off the grid, he won’t find us. I promise.” (Y/n) nodded. “But you have to change your hair and name, you can’t be (Y/n) Reid anymore. They are looking everywhere for (Y/n).” He said as he put the car in drive and drove away from the hell on Earth that (Y/n) had been living through. “Just a little outside of this place I’m going to find a gas station with the bathroom on the outside and we’re going to have to dye your black. And your new name will be Wendy Arnett. Do you think you can do all that?”

“Anything.” (Y/n) responded. “Anything to not have to go back to him.”

------

September 2017

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

“This is kind of amazing.” (Y/n) said following Spencer in line at the buffet. “I mean this food looks so good I could die,” she said before telling the cook how she wanted her pasta bowl to be made. “They are so many options. I’m definitely going to have to come back for seconds.” (Y/n) paused to look down at what Spencer had on his plate wrinkling her nose in disgust. “I will not be having that.” She said as the two of them made their way through the maze of tables to find a table close to the edge where they could see, hear, and smell the ocean. “I mean what the fuck is that?” (Y/n) asked once they were out of earshot of any locals that she could offend.

“It's chivo guisado.”

“Stewed goat?” (Y/n) asked and Spencer looked at her questioning. “What? I know a little bit of Spanish.” Spencer quirked an eyebrow. “I might have taken 10 years of it in school, and yeah I went on the class field trip to Spain.”

“How did I not know this about you?”

“I don’t know.” (Y/n) responded. “It’s never really seemed to come up. I bet I know more of it than you do.” (Y/n) said playfully teasing him.

“Dudo mucho que lo hagas. Hablo con fluidez seis idiomas diferentes. Practicamente inventé ser bilingue” Spencer spit out a mile of minute and (Y/n) was pleased with herself as she caught every word.

“Du bist nicht der einzige, der mehrere Sprachen beherrscht, Baby.” (Y/n) responded in German, another language she had picked up in school.

“Toccare,” Spencer said.

“Italian.” (Y/n) commented. “Rossi would be very proud of you except for the fact that you are eating stewed goat.”

“I don’t know, he’s a chef. I wouldn't be surprised if he had a goat.”

“Have you ever had a goat?” she asked. “Like do you know what to expect?”

“Yeah,” Spencer responded. “I mean you can’t really get it back in D.C. but if you go to a nicer steakhouse and order lamb, it’s kind of like that.”

“I don’t know.” (Y/n) said as she took a bite of her buttered noodles very American, “the idea of eating goat just kind of grosses me out.” she watched as he took a bite and while he had just told her he had it before, she was still surprised to not see him grimace at the flavor.

“You should try it.”

“No.” (Y/n) responded as Spencer picked up a piece with his fork.

“Come on,” Spencer said, holding his fork out to her. “Most of the flavor is from the onions and the oranges, there’s a slight taste of garlic but it’s good. It’s not like deer where the meat itself tastes gamey.”

(Y/n) grimaced at him while he tried to stifle a laugh as she took the fork from him. They were not about to be one of those couples feeding each other. “I hate you,” she said as she opened her mouth taking the smallest bite possible.

“Oh come on.” Spencer said. “That’s such a small bite on the fork, you can eat it all.”

She took a deep breath before biting off everything on the fork, she watched as Spencer watched her curiously waiting for her answer. “Well,” she said slowly. “It’s not something I would order myself, but it’s not nearly as bad I was expecting either.”

“See?” Spencer asked. “You should try new things more often.” (Y/n) only shook her head both of them knowing full well that she would not be doing that. The two of them then slid into a comfortable conversation about anything and everything while they finished lunch. After finishing eating they cleaned up their table before heading back to the room to change into swimsuits and grab towels.

Back in the room, (Y/n) made a quick change in the bathroom readying herself to spend the rest of the afternoon sitting in a beach chair on the beach. When she came out of the bathroom dressed in a small white bikini she couldn't help the exhilarating feeling that came with watching Spencer’s mouth fall open.

“What do you say we hang out here just a little bit longer before going down to the beach?” Spencer asked her as he walked over towards her pulling her into him, his hands finding  their way to her waist. (Y/n) lightly slapped his chest shaking her head.

“We have all night to do that.” She said. “Plus it’s going to start raining in about two hours. Maybe during the twenty-minute rainstorm we can do that.”

“(Y/n)!” Spencer whined, pressing a kiss to her jaw and then down her neck. “How am I supposed to sit on the beach for two hours with you like this?”

“I don’t know.” She responded pulling away from his grasp grabbing her towel off the bed heading for the door. “Maybe you can just imagine all the things you want to do to me in the next three days, and then later tonight you can show me what you thought about.”

Spencer groaned sleeping on his flip flops, which he had to buy at Walmart right before they left, “remember at lunch when you said you hate me? Well, I hate you too.”

“You’ll get over,” she responded as they exited the room. He made sure the doors were locked before the two of them headed down to the beach hand in hand.

---

October 2019

Bar Harbor, Maine

Peter was two hours late, it was becoming a frequent thing to happen and it was really starting to piss Wendy off. Was it too much to ask for him to show up to dinner on time? Half the time he would stumble home drunk as a skunk and then fall asleep on the couch even though Wendy begged him to come to bed with her.

When Peter finally did come home tonight, she was surprised to find him completely sober. “How was your day?” He asked, walking into the kitchen and trying to kiss her but she pulled away. “What?”

“Why are you so late?”

“Oh my gosh,” Peter said, throwing his hands in the hair before going to the fridge to grab a beet. “This again?”

“Yes this again,” Wendy shouted at him. “You are never home anymore and I’m really lonely.”

Peter used a bottle opener to open his beer before taking a long swig. “I was meeting up with some friends.”

“Who?” Wendy questioned. “What friends?”

“It doesn't matter who Wendy. They are just friends.”

“Are you having an affair?” Wendy shouted at him, she had been wondering for a while now if there was someone else, recently he’s just become so distant with her and the affair would make sense. He used to be absolutely enamored with her but now it’s almost like she doesn't even exist.

“You’re being fucking crazy,” Peter said.

“Crazy,” Wendy said laughing bitterly. “You think I’m being crazy? You have no idea how fucking crazy I can get.” Wendy said, spitting the words out as she got up in his face.

“You better watch your tone with me,” Peter warned which only made Wendy madder.

“No,” Wendy said. “You better watch your tone with me.” She finished. “You drug me away from my life, my friends, my family, everything. I will not stand you cheating on me and throwing me away now.

“I drug you away ?” Peter questioned growing angrier and angrier. “I saved you from an abusive piece of shit.”

“I could’ve saved myself,” Wendy responded, causing Peter to raise as if to hit her before stopping himself mid-air, she flinched instantly covering her head with her hands. Peter immediately backed away with his hands raised in the air to surrender.

“I’m so sorry,” he said, his voice so much calmer than it had been before. “I’m so sorry baby,” He said as she looked up at him with tears in her eyes. That caused him to rush over to her bringing her into his embrace and holding her tightly. “I’m not sleeping with anyone else. I swear on my life. Please don’t ever leave me, Wendy. I can’t lose you again.”

Wendy sobbed into his chest while he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom, it was late enough that she had already been wearing her pajamas. She had just been up waiting on the couch for him to come. He gently laid her down on the bed and she curled up next to him, her sobs slowly evening out.

After about thirty minutes of laying there thinking everything over, Wendy realized that she was going to have to ask him the question she had been dreading asking for a long time. But the answer was crucial as to whether or not the two of them could continue in this relationship. She needed to know that Peter was a good man.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“How did you find me at that warehouse when even the FBI couldn’t?”

“I had been watching you for a while,” Peter responded.

“Watching me,” Wendy said slowly. “Like stalking me?” She asked her heart to go to the top of her throat.

“Stalking is the wrong word,” Peter responded. “I was making sure you were safe.”

“You were the stalker?” Wendy asked, turning over to sit up in bed to face him. “You were the one sending Spencer those letters and pictures?” Peter nodded once and Wendy shocked her head. “But then what about Scott Tidwell?”

“What about him?”

“Why did he have a key to my house and why did he have pictures of me all over his drive?”

“He had a key because I gave him a key, the pictures were the pictures that I uploaded.”

“Why?” Wendy asked, her voice shaking.

“They took you that safe house because they thought that I was the monster. He took you to the safe house where I couldn’t find you. I knew I had to make him feel that he was safe, like that the one person who knew that he was hurting you was dead. I mean I can only imagine what he did to you in that house when you had nowhere to go.”

“You killed an innocent man.” (Y/n) said scooting off the bed trying to put some distance between her and Peter.

“I didn’t pull the trigger,” Peter responded. “I believe the brunette did.”

“How could you?” (Y/n) asked the illusion that the two of them had been living in rapidly fading from her mind.

“I needed to know that you were safe, don’t you get that? I needed to save you.”

“But the warehouse.” (Y/n) whispered. “I knew Scott wasn’t the stalker because it was the stalker who held me in the warehouse,” she said faintly her heart beating a thousand miles an hour. “But you’re telling me now that you were the stalker. Was it you in a warehouse Peter? Is that how you found me? It had been you all along?”

“What?” Peter asked with shock in his eyes that she could even think that. “I would never hurt you like that. I could never ever hurt you.”

“Then who did Peter?” (Y/n) yelled at him. “Someone did!”

“Baby,” Peter whispered moving over to her, she wanted to back away from him but something in her brain told her not to. She let him pull her into a tight hug. “Spencer did,” he said softly and (Y/n) shocked her head no before he continued. “You know that he did. I knew where you were because I was watching you. I had to wait though until I knew that I would have enough time. Knowing you were in pain and I couldn’t do anything was the worst feeling in the world.”

“But he did this to you, Wendy. Think about it. How could I find you and not the FBI? He was leading them off in the wrong direction and has been doing that the whole time. He knows now if you come home that you’ll expose him. He can’t have that. If you go home he’ll kill you. I have no doubt in my mind that he’ll kill you if he ever finds you. Even the way that he hurt you, he knew how to hurt you the most, he wanted to inflict the most amount of pain.”

“I hate him,” Wendy whispered to Peter.

“I know.” He whispered. “I am so sorry that I couldn’t save you sooner. I never thought that he would escalate to the level of violence that he did, but I should’ve known and I will beat myself up for that every day until I die.”

“And I am sorry that Scott had to die, he didn’t deserve that.” Wendy nodded. “But that wouldn’t have happened if Spencer hadn’t moved you away from me.”

“It’s his fault Peter,” Wendy whispered.

“Thank you for saying that,” Peter whispered back

“Can you promise me things can go back to the way they were before you started staying out so late and coming home drunk?.”

“Yes,” Peter responded with no hesitation. “Anything to not lose you.”

----

September 2019

Washington D.C.

It was 11 pm before the jet finally landed back in D.C. The team shuffled off the small aircraft to head inside to grab their things. Hotch had told them that they could worry about paperwork in the morning, that they all deserved to be able to go home and sleep this case off.

Spencer followed everyone inside and watched as they grabbed their things before saying goodbye and heading home. He didn’t want to go home. Two years have passed since he lost her and the apartment still doesn't feel like home without her.

Heading up the stairs to Hotch’s office, Spencer felt so many emotions run through him, guilt for leaving his family, relief for not having to be in the field anymore to name a few. He was positive this was the right decision for him. It was kind of funny to him that this is what gets him to leave. After all the shit he’s been put through because of this job, it’s the missing wife that causes him to quit. Losing her has by far been the hardest thing he’s ever dealt with.

“You have a second?” Spencer asked, knocking on Hotch’s door. He was packing up for the night so that he could get home to Jack. Aaron nodded as Spencer came into the office. “I’ve already let the brass know, so please don’t try to change my mind.” he started taking a deep breath. “But this was my last case with the BAU.”

Hotch stopped what he was doing to look up at Spencer trying to gauge if he was serious or if this was some kind of a practical joke but seeing the look in his eyes Aaron knew that he was dead serious. “I understand.”

“You do?” Spencer asked.

Hotch nodded once. “When I lost Hailey I thought about quitting too. How did I not know that Foyett would do that? I blamed myself if I had been quicker on my feet if I had thought about this angle if I had done this if I had done that. It was exhausting.”

Spencer nodded knowing the feeling all too well. “What made you decide to stay?”

“Knowing that I could save someone else’s Hailey.”

“I’m not strong enough for that,” Spencer said weakly, his voice catching in his throat.

“You don’t have to be,” Hotch responded. “You’ve been strong for so long Spencer that you deserve to be weak for once.” Spencer looked down at his shoes as tears silently fell down his cheeks. “I got closure with Hailey. Not the kind I wanted but closure nonetheless. I know exactly where she is. She’s not coming back. I learned to deal with that. You don’t know where (Y/n) is. There is still a chance that she could come back to you which makes it impossible to let go.”

“I don’t know which is worse,” Spencer said with a bitter laugh.

“I don’t think anyone does.”

“Thank you for understanding,” Spencer said looking back up at the man in front of him. “It means a lot to me. I'll be in on Monday to get my things and let everyone know.”

“Okay,” Aaron responded. “We’re going to miss you.” He said and Spencer nodded. “And you’re more than welcome to come back at any time.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said even though they both knew that he would not be back. Even if (Y/n) were to come home, he couldn't see himself coming back not after everything that’s happened.

“Will you be teaching full time?”

“Yeah,” Spencer said. “They actually offered me a spot at the FBI academy to teach profiling.”

“They’re lucky to have you.”

“Thanks.” Spencer said “I’ll let you get home to Jack.” he said realizing how late it was getting. Aaron nodded watching the boy walk out of his office, his shoulder slumped in defeat. It wasn’t fair how hard life had been to that kid he thought to himself.

----

September 2017

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

“You are such a lightweight,” Spencer said pushing (Y/n) up against the room door the second it closes behind the two. She giggles as his hands slip under her shirt to stop at the edge of her bra. “I didn’t even think it was possible to get drunk on Strawberry daiquiris.” he murmured before leaning down and kissing his way down her jaw to her neck.

“I’m not drunk.” She replied back between moans as she started unbuttoning his shirt before he shrugged it off.

“Are you sure about that?” He asked. “Your hand creeping it’s way up my thigh at dinner said otherwise.”

“I don’t see how that’s relevant” (Y/n) responded as he picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

“Because the drunker you get the more touchy-feely you get.”

“Not true.” (Y/n) responded by shoving her hands into her hair while he pulled away just enough to pull her shirt over her head and slip her bra off. “I always want to touch you even when I’m sober.”

“Sure” he countered. “But you never inch your hand so high up my thigh that I have to grab your wrist to make you stop in public.”

“No one would have cared.” (Y/n) responded. “It’s an adults-only resort, I’m sure they’ve seen way worse.”

“Possibly,” Spencer said adjusting the way that he was holding her so that he could move her over to the bed, he gently laid her down before resuming kissing her. “I love you so much,” he whispered into her skin.

“Then stop teasing please.” She said back wanting more than he was currently giving her.

“Only because you asked so nicely.” He replied, smirking before leaning down to put his mouth right. She desperately wanted him. It didn’t take long for her to fall apart, her hands tightly gripping his hair to keep him where she wanted him.

“God I love you.” She responded as he came back up to her and kissed her passionately. He separated only for a moment reaching over and grabbing something off the dresser. When she realized what was in his hand, she reached over putting herbs on top of his. “What happened to see what happened?” She asked and he looked at her judging how serious she was before throwing the unused condom into the trash can.

(Y/n) sighed in relief as he came back to her, locking eyes with her before leaning down to kiss her. “You’re my everything.” He whispered to her and she sighed at the feeling she had been waiting on for what felt like forever.

“Funny because I was going to say the same thing.”

----

February 2020

Washington D.C.

(Y/n) made sure the leash was tightened around Cherry as she approached the park that she had agreed to meet Spencer at. It was an unusually warm day in D.C. which is why she had mentioned it to him when they had talked on the phone last night. She wasn’t ready to go sit down with him at a restaurant. She wanted to be in an open space, where it was easy to getaway. A crowded space, where people would hear her scream. And she wanted to bring Cherry for the extra protection. Cherry being a labradoodle, and a pretty large one at that looked way more threatening than she really was.

She hadn’t told Louise that she was doing this because she didn't want to deal with the fall out in case things went south, in case she panicked and stood him up again. She also wasn’t ready to explain to Louise that no, she was not ready to move back in with her husband, and no this does not mean that things are going to be completely okay between them.

As expected, the park was crowded when she showed up ten minutes late. It was sixty degrees outside and there were tons of kids on the playground, adults running, moms walking with strollers. As (Y/n) made her way through the park, she headed to where the chess boards were set up. She knew that’s where Spencer would be.

Sure enough, she saw him sitting at a board playing with an eight-year boy. He looked so happy, his face was lit up and he just radiated joy. Something that she knew would disappear as soon as he saw her. (Y/n) watched from afar until Cherry decided to start barking at a squirrel that was running up a tree. The barking distracted Spencer enough to look up from the game and when their eyes met she realized that was wrong. He looked even happier to see her.

Spencer started to get up, much to the boy’s dismay, before (Y/n) walked over and stopped him. “You should finish,” she said and Spencer looked at her as if trying to figure out if she was serious when she nodded he resumed the game.

Five minutes later and he was telling the kid good game before standing up to join her. Cherry sniffed him curiously and when he held out his hands to pet her she decided that he wasn’t so bad. “Why did you let him win?” (Y/n) asked as they started walking on the paved trail.

“I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.” (Y/n) responded. “You never lose, I’m not buying that you lost to an eight-year-old.”

“He’s a good player and I got distracted at the end.”

“You know him?”

“His name is Charles,” Spencer said. “He’s here a lot.”

“I see.” (Y/n) responded before the two fell into silence.

“Thank you for suggesting that we do this.” Spencer said, “It’s a really nice day out.”

“It is.” (Y/n) responded. “I don’t know, I just thought that it would be easier for me to be with you face to face in a park than in a restaurant.”

“Of course.” He responded. “I’ll do whatever makes you the most comfortable.”

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not rushing me or making me feel pressured.” She said. At night when she was running through all the reasons that she knew Peter had lied to her, that was number one. “This is Cherry by the way.” (Y/n) said motioning towards the light-colored doodle that was sniffing anything and everyone. “Um, Peter got her for me. As well as the Fiat.”

“I was wondering about that,” Spencer responded. “She seems like a great dog.”

“She is.” (Y/n) responded. “How are your classes going?” (Y/n) asked, needing anything to fill the empty silence.

“Really well,” Spencer responded. “I mean some kids pick it up better than others but for the most part those who are actually interested in the class do really well. The girls that audit are kind of annoying though.”

“Why does that not surprise me?” (Y/n) asked and they both shared a laugh. It was so nice to be able to hear his laugh and for it not sound bitter or painful. He sounded like he was happy again and despite the fear, in her chest, it made her heart happy. “So what are your hours like now?”

“Usually I’m gone 9-5 but I use the extra time at the university in my office grading papers so I don’t have to bring it home.” (Y/n) smiled at the idea of him not traveling anymore. What a relief it would’ve been back before Peter had he done this. The idea of her husband having a 9-5 job would’ve made the old (Y/n) absolutely ecstatic.

“That’s great.” (Y/n) said, “I’m really happy for you.”

After walking another lap around the path, it was clear that Cherry was not going to make it for a third. “Do you care if we just sit down?” (Y/n) asked pointing to a picnic table and Spencer shook his head no as they made their way over there.

When they both sat down, Cherry made her way over to Spencer setting her head in his lap while he scratched her ears. “She likes you.” (Y/n) commented. “That’s high praise from her.”

“Really?” Spencer asked.

“Yeah.” she said. “She did not like the move down here at all. She was acting out all the time, when I would leave without her she would literally tear apart my brother’s house. When I took her to the vet the vet said that she was probably experiencing abandonment issues.”

“From losing Peter?” Spencer asked and (Y/n) nodded once.

“She did not like Derek at all.” (Y/n) said. “I mean the way she growled at him kind of scared me. She’s getting used to being here though, she’s much calmer.”

“That’s good,” Spencer said as the dog laid down in the grass, her head now resting on Spencer’s shoe.

“Can we have a hard conversation?” (Y/n) asked after a minute and watching the way Spencer tensed made her heartache. He nodded before she continued. “Did you ever um have anyone else during the two years I was gone?”

She watched Spencer furrow his eyebrow in confusion before he realized what she was asking him. “No,” he said. “Never.”

“Why?”

“I never thought that I would get married, (Y/n). Not that I didn’t want to, I just spent so long alone I kind of got used to it. So when you came along and agreed to marry me I knew you were the only one. I never gave up hope that you would come back.”

“Does it upset you that I loved him?” She asked her voice cracking slightly and she noted the way he looked away for a brief moment to composite his thoughts.

“Yes,” Spencer responded honestly. “I’m not going to lie and say it doesn't. But not because I’m mad that you ‘cheated’ or something” he said putting cheating in air quotes to make it clear he in no way thought that she cheated on him. “It makes me upset that he manipulated you into believing I was the bad guy and he was the good guy. It makes me really upset to think about you during those two years thinking that I was hurting you. That still keeps me up at night.”

“That makes me upset too.” (Y/n) responded. “I’ve come to terms with him being the bad guy in this story, his cover was starting to fade by the end anyways. And while I’ve come to see that there is no way that you could hurt me, there is still just this instinctive feeling in my chest that I should be afraid of you.” Spencer nodded. “That’s because of the extreme torture he subjected you too.”

(Y/n) was silent for a moment, reliving the horror that she endured. But then a thought crossed her mind and before she could stop herself she blurted out “Did they tell you what he did?”

Spencer shook his head no. “It was in the files, but I refused to read them.”

“Why?”

“I didn’t want to know,” he responded simply.

“I need you to.” (Y/n) said tears springing to her eyes. “I need you to know exactly what he did to me before we go any farther with whatever this is.”

“(Y/n),” Spencer said swallowing thickly. “I don’t want to imagine you in pain, I don’t want that image seared into my brain.”

“I don’t care.” (Y/n) said firmly. “I can’t live with this pain all alone Spencer. And if you want to be in my life again I need you to know. I need you to know how awful the night terrors are, waking up convinced I’m back in that warehouse. Or how the crackle of electricity makes my blood go cold. At the hospital when they tried to attach the wires to me to monitor her heart rate I became so freaked out that they had to sedate me. I need you to know just how broken I am Spencer or else this isn’t going to work.”

Spencer was quiet for a minute as he wiped tears away from his eyes. “Okay,” he whispered.

“Okay,” she repeated taking a deep breath wiping away a few of her own tears. “This is what happened.”

[vexedtonightmares]

La Fin Des Temps Chapter 10 (Elu Hogwarts AU)

Samedi 9:17 - “In your parallel universes, how many Lucases and Eliotts are together?”

Bliss.

That was all Lucas felt. He was here, with Eliott, Eliott who kissed him and liked him in the way he wanted to be liked. Eliott who he was very close to falling in love with. He kept his eyes closed, not wanting Eliott to know he was awake for fear that Eliott would stop tracing idle patterns on his cheekbones.

After their dance and kiss in the rain, they hadn’t known where to go, not wanting to be parted even for a moment. Either of their dormitories were obvious no’s, given that they both had four other roommates, but that didn’t leave them with many options. If they hadn’t been soaked to the bone, Lucas would have suggested that they stay in his special place under the Quidditch stands, but they were soaked to the bone, so that plan wasn’t possible.

It hit Lucas, suddenly, that the one place they were sure not to be found was the very place they had run from earlier that evening: The Room of Requirement. Lucas knew how to make it work just right so there would be no way anyone would be able to have access if they didn’t want them to. When summoning the Room, he had to be wildly specific in exactly what and who he wanted to be in the room, making sure to keep others out.

That was how they ended up tangled together on a bed much bigger and more comfortable than the one lying vacant in Lucas’ dormitory. Eliott had been delighted by the magic of the room when, upon entering, he had seen that the room had equipped them with a heater to dry off as well as fresh clothes.

When they wanted pain au chocolat at two in the morning, the room obliged them, and they ate together on the bed, stealing kisses between bites. Lucas couldn’t remember the last time he had been this happy.

He woke up that morning in a bit of a daze, wondering if all that had happened the night before had just been a very detailed wonderful dream, but then his eyes opened fully and locked on Eliott’s directly in front of him. Noticing that Lucas was awake, Eliott pulled him in closer and pressed a small kiss to his temple, a tender gesture that Lucas had been fully unprepared to receive.

“Were you watching me sleep?” Lucas mumbled groggily, closing his eyes and burying his face in Eliott’s chest. Eliott ran his fingers in lazy circles on Lucas’ back. His voice was soft with the vestiges of sleep when he answered, “So what if I was?”

Lucas started giggling uncontrollably, high off of Eliott. His breath came in rasps as he tilted his head up from its resting point on Eliott’s chest to look Eliott in the eye. “That’s gay,” he said seriously, maintaining a straight face for a few seconds before dissolving back into giggles.

Eliott laughed as if he couldn’t help himself, pressing a few kisses into Lucas’ hair. “You’re gay,” Eliott whispered back, humor tainting the edges of his voice.

Lucas reached a hand up, pulling Eliott’s face as close as it could get without their lips touching. “I’m so gay,” Lucas agreed, lapsing back into his giggles as Eliott closed the distance between them. The kiss went from sweet to passionate very quickly, both of them fully waking up the instant their lips were pressed together. Lucas found his hands moving back to Eliott’s hair and Eliott’s hands moving back to his face, their preferred locations.

Their mostly bare legs were so tangled together that kissing became somewhat of an extreme sport, but one that Lucas willingly played. Each kiss from Eliott was deeper than the last, sure to cause Lucas a heart attack if he indulged too much. He figured he’d take his chances anyway. In a moment of inspiration, unsure where the urge came from, Lucas pulled away just long enough to give Eliott a quick kiss on the tip of his nose. He liked the redness that crept over Eliott’s cheeks when he did so, pleased to be the one making Eliott blush for a change.

“Do you want to--?” Eliott began, touching the bottom of Lucas’ t shirt hesitantly. Lucas nodded instinctively, guiding Eliott’s hands with his as they pulled the shirt up over his head and tossed it in a heap on the floor. Eliott’s shirt was quick to go soon after and Lucas’ breath shallowed at the skin to skin contact of their bare chests. There was a tattoo a few inches above Eliott’s heart, and that was the first place Lucas kissed, almost feeling Eliott’s rapid heartbeat as he did so.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Lucas murmured against Eliott’s collarbone, peppering kisses that turned into small love bites into every inch of Eliott that he could find.

“Toi aussi,” Eliott gasped, fingers digging into Lucas’ hair. He flipped them so Lucas was underneath him and left a trail of kisses going down all the way to the band of his underwear. When Eliott lifted his head up and cocked it to the side in an infuriatingly adorable manner, Lucas couldn’t help himself, he sat up and pulled Eliott in by the neck, crashing their lips together once more. Eliott ran his fingers up and down Lucas’ back as they kissed before settling them around his shoulders, pulling Lucas into his chest in a hug. It hadn’t been what Lucas was expecting, but he embraced the action, arms clinging around Eliott’s waist, head tucked neatly into Eliott’s neck.

It may have been minutes later, maybe even hours or days, but Lucas stretched out on his stomach, head at the bottom of the bed, Eliott’s head resting on his back. It shouldn’t have been a comfortable position, but it was.

Lucas’ mind was running with a thousand thoughts, coming down slightly from the complete sublimation that had taken over from the moment they had kissed out on the Quidditch pitch. “I can’t help but think about how we almost never met.”

Eliott’s hand, which had been drawing idly on his back again, stilled. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that you went to Beauxbatons. In another universe you’re still there, and we never meet,” he explained.

Eliott shifted a bit, hair ticking Lucas’ spine. “I don’t want to imagine that universe.”

“Me neither, but don’t you ever think about it?” Lucas flipped his head so he could see Eliott. “All the parallel universes? Every time I make a decision, there’s another Lucas who made a different decision. One Lucas let the hat put him in Slytherin instead of asking to be in Gryffindor, one Lucas went to Beauxbatons, one Lucas isn’t a wizard at all. It’s kind of comforting to know that, in all the universes, I’ve tried everything.”

“I’ll admit, I’m not quite sure I believe in all that,” Eliott confessed. Lucas turned over fully, sitting up on his elbows, looking down now at Eliott, who had flopped on his back and was staring at the ceiling.

“Why not?” he asked. Eliott shrugged, but didn’t elaborate. He turned onto his side, meeting Lucas in a heartstopping gaze. “In your parallel universes, how many Lucases and Eliotts are together?”

“All of them.” Lucas spoke softly without hesitation, bringing his mouth down to meet Eliotts, starved of the taste of him already.

“All of them?” Eliott repeated against his mouth, eyes drifting shut. Lucas brushed their noses together, running his hands through the beautiful mess of Eliott’s hair. He nodded. “All of them. Or, almost all of them. It did take us a little while, I guess. Who knows, maybe there’s a German Lucas and Eliott who are trapped in a circle of miscommunication, maybe there’s a Norwegian Lucas and Eliott who have been together for years--”

Eliott cut in, “Maybe there’s a Dutch Lucas who hasn’t met his Eliott yet, or an American Lucas, who’s actually a girl.”

Lucas grinned. “I thought you didn’t believe in my parallel universes?”

“You’re very convincing,” Eliott smiled, hovering over Lucas for an excruciating amount of time before giving in to Lucas’ silent desire for a kiss. “Tell me more.”

He obliged, crafting wild fantasies of Lucases and Eliotts all over the world, each one more in love than the last. Muggle Lucas and Eliott were Eliott’s favorite, because they were just like them, but without the magic. They’d met in high school during an after school meeting-- no, at the bus stop after the meeting-- and had fallen for each other immediately. Eliott took Lucas home one day under the guise of obtaining booze for a party and showed Lucas his drawings of raccoons, his spirit animal. Lucas thought this was a bit weird, but they liked weird. The real moment that won Eliott over, though, was when Lucas played piano for him, the same song Lucas number one had played the week before. It was all going so well, but that couldn’t last, of course. This Eliott had a girlfriend, how rude of him, which made Lucas retaliate by finding one of his own, even though he wasn’t interested in her in the slightest.

“Lucas number two thousand twenty-seven is kind of a dick,” Eliott interjected. Lucas shot him a glare. “You don’t get to critique my parallel universe, Demaury. Besides, you’re the one who had a girlfriend to begin with.”

Eliott laughed, giving Lucas another kiss before gesturing for him to continue. This Lucas and Eliott, he said, went to a party with their girlfriends, not knowing the other one would be there. During the party, Lucas’ girlfriend would kiss him and Eliott would get jealous--

“Why do I have to be the jealous one?”

“Do I have to put a silencing spell on you?”

--Eliott would get jealous and kiss his girlfriend in retaliation, looking at Lucas all the while. Lucas would look at him too, trying to imagine it was Eliott he was kissing instead of this girl he wanted nothing to do with. They would kiss each other from across the room, forgetting anyone else in the world existed. Later, when the party got busted, Eliott would wait for Lucas and walk him home, confessing that he didn’t want a relationship with his girlfriend anymore, but still wanted a relationship with someone. A girl? Not necessarily a girl. And of course, because it was Lucas and Eliott, they would come close to kissing only to be interrupted by someone, Manon, maybe, and go home in defeat waiting for the next time they could be alone together.

Lucas paused his story. “What’s your place? The one that inspired Polaris?”

“La petite ceinture. In Paris.”

Lucas nodded, taking note of this. Eliott number two thousand twenty-seven, unfortunately, would be missing in action for a few days, causing Lucas to worry about where he was and if he would ever see him again. Of course, they did see each other again, but, since Lucas number two thousand twenty-seven was a bit petty, they would find themselves trapped into a double date with both of their girlfriends. The date would go as horribly as expected, but Eliott would suggest that they leave when both girls were in the bathroom. Eliott would take him to the petite ceinture, dancing around him under the bridge, trying to scare Lucas by turning on and off his flashlight.

Eliott gasped victoriously. “I knew you were afraid of the dark! I fucking knew it!”

“Shush. Lucas number two thousand twenty-seven is afraid of the dark. Lucas number one isn’t afraid of anything.”

“Sure,” Eliott agreed with a soft smirk. Lucas rolled his eyes, continuing from where he had left off. Eliott would leave Lucas under the dark bridge, hearing rain outside. Lucas would come out to meet him, realizing that this was the scene from Eliott’s movie, that he had been the one Eliott had been waiting for all this time. They would join hands and look into each other’s eyes, wondering if this was really happening, finally. It was. They would kiss under the rain until they couldn’t feel their toes, not caring one bit that they might get hypothermia. Lucas would bring Eliott back to the flat he shared with Manon and some other friends, and the rest was history.

“That’s it?” Eliott asked, a bit disappointed.

“Mmm,” Lucas teased, “I guess you’ll just have to stick with me long enough to hear the rest.”

Eliott brushed away a strand of hair from Lucas’ face. “Oh, if that’s all…”

“I will give you a spoiler though.”

“Ouais?”

“Eliott and Lucas are laying in bed right now, just like this, talking about parallel universes. Eliott doesn’t believe Lucas at first either, but Lucas will tell him that he’s wrong, because there are plenty of other Lucases and Eliotts who are together at that moment. And he’ll be right.”

Eliott, it seemed, had nothing else to add, so Lucas took the next logical course of action and kissed him again and again and again until they were lost in each other once more. Eliott’s kisses made him feel alive in a way he hadn’t felt before, like every nerve in his body was awake for the first time. When Eliott hovered above him, pulling him close and kissing down his neck, Lucas tipped his head back in pure bliss, mouth agape and eyes closed.

He never wanted to leave this room, go back to the real world, and he told Eliott so. Eliott’s agreement came in the form of a finger trailing up his jawline and into his hair, brushing it back so he could see every inch of Lucas’ face, warmth and desire crackling in his eyes.

Another lifetime later, the Room provided them with much needed sustenance, likely somehow transferred from the kitchens to their plates. Food was one of the five exceptions to Gamp’s Law of Elemental Transfiguration after all, but as long as they were getting food from somewhere, they would eat it.

Lucas couldn’t help but continue to admire Eliott as they ate, watching the way his throat moved as he swallowed and being far too aroused for what was supposed to be a casual lunchtime. He choked on his food, coughing with tears in his eyes until he caught Eliott’s gaze. Eliott was biting both of his lips with his eyebrows raised, asking a question with his eyes that he already knew the answer to.

“Shut up and eat your food,” Lucas grimaced once he caught his breath.

“I didn’t say anything.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Lucas mocked, a childish form of humor that made Eliott bust out laughing for some reason. Lucas rolled his eyes with a smile on his face. “Seriously? That was what made you laugh?”

“Seriously? That was what made you laugh?” Eliott mocked in return and Lucas dipped his finger in the whipped cream on top of his dessert, smudging it on Eliott’s face to stop him from speaking further or grinning wider.

“Oh, that’s the game we’re playing now, is it?” Eliott challenged, dipping one of his fingers in his own whipped cream. Lucas hopped off the bed to avoid Eliott’s revenge, ducking down behind the headboard. He was breathless from laughing, hair a huge mess, probably still suffering from morning breath, but he was so, so happy. Life had been fine before, but stagnant. He couldn’t believe he’d allowed himself to live like that for so long.  

His brief moment of revelation didn’t come without consequence, as it had allowed Eliott to sneak up behind him and swipe a bit of whipped cream across his nose. Even so, he couldn’t be bothered by it. He would have worn whipped cream on his face all day if it meant that Eliott would keep looking at him the way he was now, like he was the center of this universe and all the others.

Lucas braced his hands out in front of him, ready to block another move from Eliott if need be. Eliott tilted his head to one side and narrowed his eyes, inching closer. Lucas’ fingers fluttered in anticipation, scooting back as slowly as Eliott was moving forwards. In the blink of an eye, Eliott surged forward, only giving Lucas time to turn around in an attempt to run before Eliott’s arms caught him from behind, wrapping around his waist.

Lucas let out a shriek of laughter upon feeling Eliott’s embrace, sinking into it against his will. He could feel Eliott’s chest rise and fall with laughter as he lifted Lucas and spun him once.

“This is unfair!” Lucas exclaimed between peals of laughter. “You have a vertical advantage!”

Eliott rested his chin in the crook of Lucas’ neck, turning his head so he could look at Lucas’ face. “You want me to put you down?”

Lucas blushed, wrapping his arms around where Eliott’s were holding him. “I didn’t say that.”

Eliott buried his face in Lucas’ neck, planting small kisses there before lifting him up again and carrying him back to the bed. He dropped them onto the bed together, still holding onto Lucas from behind. Once they were settled, Lucas turned around to face Eliott, noting that the bright light in Eliott’s eyes hadn’t diminished even a fraction from the night before. Eliott drew a hand up to Lucas’ face, brushing away the same errant stand of hair he couldn’t help but keep brushing away, before sitting up. “Wait here.”

Lucas did as Eliott requested, hand resting on the warm spot Eliott had just vacated. Eliott reappeared a moment later, hands full of what looked like art supplies, pens and markers in varying shades and weights. Lucas sat up and looked at Eliott quizzically. “What…?”

“Give me your arm,” Eliott prompted. Lucas held out his right arm and watched as Eliott went to work, drawing little raccoons, hedgehogs, and stars on his arm.

“Is there a reason…?” Lucas tried to ask. Eliott looked up at him through his eyelashes, halting his drawing progress. “Just wait,” he said cryptically, wiggling his eyebrows for emphasis.

Lucas watched the ceiling as Eliott drew, willing it to emulate the night sky, then provide them with a miniature rendition of the universe, planets circling them from above. He wished the two of them could stay in there together forever, forgetting any and all worries, just focusing on their own little universe.

“Done!” Eliott exclaimed giddily, looking thoroughly pleased with himself. Eliott No. 917 et Lucas No. 1835 sont heureux, it read, hedgehog and raccoon dancing under the stars above the words. Lucas number one felt himself warm inside and out.

“I love it,” he said. I think I might be falling in love with you.

“Ah, but there’s more,” Eliott replied. I think I might be falling in love with you too.

Eliott tapped the tip of his wand to Lucas’ skin, murmuring an incantation under his breath. Lucas watched in awe as the drawings on his arms started dancing, stars twinkling for real above them. The raccoon separated itself from the hedgehog at one point, making its way up Lucas’ arm to his shoulder, peeking up at Lucas before settling itself into a ball on his chest, right above his heart. The hedgehog was a bit more hesitant, moving down to Lucas’ hand before following the raccoon to Lucas’ chest, curling up beside one another.

Lucas was struck dumb by love and amazement. Eliott was the type of person you only meet once in your life, and Lucas was determined to never let him go. After all, if you caught a shooting star, would you release it? “C’etait ouf,” he whispered, pulling Eliott’s forehead to rest against his. “T’es surprenant,” he continued, watching as Eliott dropped his gaze bashfully, “J’aime bien les gens surprenant.”

“I like you,” Eliott muttered, bringing his eyes back up to meet Lucas’. “I like you a whole lot, Lucas Lallemant.”

“Well that’s good to know,” Lucas breathed, “Because I like you a whole lot too, Eliott Demaury.”

Lucas number one was fairly certain that Eliott number one was the person he had been waiting for all his life. Lucas number two thousand twenty-seven, nine hundred seventeen, one thousand eight hundred thirty-five, two thousand one hundred twenty-one, and every Lucas in between felt the exact same way.

“Lucas?” Eliott asked as they were lying opposite one another like they had the night they’d practiced patronuses, heads aligning. Lucas would never tire of hearing the way Eliott said his name. His voice wrapped around the syllables carefully, as if his name was special. Luca, he pronounced it, just like Manon, just like his maman used to. It was the correct way to pronounce his name, at least back in Paris, but he’d never bothered to correct any of this friends or professors here at Hogwarts. He didn’t realize how much he’d missed his name being said this way, and couldn’t be happier that Eliott was the one saying it.

“Hmm?” he responded finally, turning his head to face Eliott’s.

“Can we stay here forever?”

Lucas nodded without hesitation. “We can.”

“Ouais?”

“Ouais.” He paused. “What are we going to do for the rest of eternity?”

Eliott pretended to think. “I have a few ideas.”

“Ah, ouais?” Lucas repeated, grinning as Eliott tilted his head forward into a kiss. He would have thought kissing upside down would be awkward or unpleasant, but this was neither of those things. Maybe it would have been, if it was anyone other than Eliott, but it was Eliott, and everything felt so right with him.

Eliott’s hand threaded into his hair as they kissed, and Lucas reached up to do the same, loving the way Eliott’s soft hair felt in between his fingers, loving that he was the one able to do so.

“You were the first person I saw, you know,” Eliott said once they broke apart from their kiss. Lucas furrowed his brows. “Saw me where?”

“Here.” Eliott lifted one hand to gesture around the room. “Hogwarts. My first Defense Against the Dark Arts class. You didn’t see me, but I saw you.”

Lucas smiled at Eliott guiltily. How had he not seen him? He knew by now that they must have had that class and Charms together before Lucas had seen him in Potions, but if he hadn't noticed Eliott, he had no reason to believe Eliott would have noticed him.

Eliott continued, “I only saw you, in fact.”

Lucas felt his heart stop briefly in his chest and wondered if the raccoon and hedgehog still resting there felt the same. Lucas wasn’t sure if he believed in soulmates, in love that was written in the stars, in destiny, but he decided on that beautiful day, eyes gazing into Eliott’s, that if those things did exist, he just might have found them.

Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9

AO3

Weekly Instagram Roundup: Week 1 Week 2 Week 3

[sturmxundxdrang]

2 0 1 9 ;

so, following what i did for 2016 and 2018, let me write a little recap of this year, and talk a little about the decade.

starting off by the goals i set last year:

“I hope to have at least intermediate German. I’m almost there, but not yet.” | i do feel like i got a lot better with my German, but i did leave it a little aside with all the college stuff i had this year. to be quite honest, i’m not even sure what’s my level right now.

“I’ll focus on the guitar, and won’t let my frustration burn me out.” | i did focus a lot more on the guitar! i started classes back again with my childhood teacher, and i felt like i did get better.

“Exercise more and get a better sleep schedule.” | well, failed on the exercising thing lol but my sleep schedule got better for the most part. i do slip and have bad weeks now and then, especially now during the holidays, but i felt that work helped me with that.

“Focus more on college, this last semester was very tough.” | i’m not even going to lie, i could’ve focused more.

“Do more things I usually wouldn’t, like going out to do something on my own, and hopefully being to drive by myself.” | driving is something i’m getting used to slowly, hopefully next year i get better. but i did do a lot of things on my own this year.

“Read & write more, or at least more than I did in 2018.” | i did read more! i was able to read some books that were on my list for a long time, and i have a bunch of books to read in 2020. i didn’t write as much, but got some poetry done.

“Watch more movies, strike a few from my list.” | a list with over 300 movies is terrifying lol i did watch more movies than last year, and i did go to the movies more often tho, but i think i focused more on series.

“Meet more people, go out more.” | i’d say i was pretty outgoing? i met new people, made more friends, went to a different city with a friend of mine, and of course, i went to a whole new country.

“Be more organized.” | i think i improved? but i do have to get better.

“Focus on my religion & study more, try to keep a consistent schedule and all that.” | see, this i did do! i followed my yearly calendar, learned a lot more. i didn’t study much, but religion-wise i’m improving.

“Find a hobby that will help me relax, something that I can do without pushing myself too much, because I frustrate myself a lot.” | i still wasn’t able to find something to focus on that doesn’t stress me out lmao but i will!

now... wow, what do i even say about this year? remember i said last year that this year would be even better? in my opinion, it was full on h e l l , but at the same time, it was amazing. i had many battles, a LOT of stress, heartbreak, disappointments, but, y’know what... i learned and i was happy a lot too. i can’t exactly remember much, this year was so fast but also took so long? it felt like two entire years in one. i can’t remember most of the first half, to be quite honest. i know i did something fun on my birthday and that it was good, but i can’t tell you what exactly. 

this entire year was about being on edge. i was scared for my life and my family a lot of times, i still am. if you follow politics and world news, you know brazil isn’t a very good place right now. it’s never been quite good, but it’s been way better than right now. i’ve argued a lot about politics, i cried a lot, i got stressed. i study law, politics is a big part of it, but even if it wasn’t... every single fucking thing is political. you can say it’s stupid, but if you don’t live in this country, you can’t tell me i’m a fool for being nervous. but as i’ve cried, i also learned to be numb about it, or just mad. it’s just one of those things you need to fight to change, and maybe one day we will.

this year was also about new experiences. i managed to go to a new city with a friend i wasn’t very close to but that trip was amazing. we saw amazing bands, i put us on the first row, we had such an amazing time. it was about singing in a studio for the first time when my guitar teacher decided he wanted me to be his band’s vocalist, and slowly get used to singing in front of other people. it was about being alone in a new country and finding my way to where i needed to be. about meeting my best friends and the city i hope to call home not far from now. about getting my heart broken by someone and having to learn how to deal with it. it was about confessing love, too, even if it wasn’t returned.

2019 took me a friend that last year i thought to be very important. and he was, truly. but sometimes people aren’t meant to be in your life, and that’s fine. sometimes we never fully know someone despite knowing them for a very long time. but it was also the year that gave me three new friends that became a huge part of my life (for the boys Soto, Cam and Wyn, i’m grateful that 2019 brought us together) and that i hope stays in my life for a long time. sometimes it is like that, you lose someone but the universe has a way of gifting you with better people. it was like this in 2018 too.

2019 also ended on a great note for me. it had been 4 years without contact with someone that used to be my best friend, but december brought him back into my life, and not only that but he also gave me my first tattoo that is full of meanings.  it was the year my faith got stronger and that i recognized someone that has been there for me for a long time, and that i now know that i should trust. it’s been a year full of roller coasters and feeling high and then low, and i’m not going to lie, some of these last few weeks of the year hurt like fucking hell because of this one guy, but i learned to trust my gods and know that i can’t always control everything. what is mine is waiting for me.

this year changed my self-esteem, and i thank my goddess for that. i went from panic attacks because nothing looked good on me into crying of joy because all of the three options for nye look so good on me that i can’t decide which one i’ll wear - it seems silly, but it meant a lot to me. my confidence with my english also is growing, i rarely ever speak but berlin with the band helped me a lot and i was even able to be on the phone with Lily for an entire hour (and she knows damn well how i was about small audio messages, this was huge improvement for me).

this was the year i finally stepped foot on the city i am absolutely sure i belong to. walking those streets finally felt like home, and the gods know how much i longed for a place like that. it was the feeling of being home, with the three girls that 2018 gifted me as a family, and just exploring places we’ll soon know like the palm of our hands. i can’t wait to walk through those museums again knowing we have enough time, we’re not going anywhere anymore, there’s no flight to catch in a few days.

i have so much to be grateful for: my friends, my family, my gods and goddesses, everyone that stuck around and helped me grow. this was such a crazy journey but it’s nice to see how much i changed, hopefully for the best. i learned, and am still learning, to accept parts of myself i would usually ignore, and sides i was ashamed to show. 

i wish i could remember much more, but my memory isn’t really known as the best. who knows, next year i might try to log my months so 31. dec, 2020 will be easier to write this thing. 

all in all, it was a bittersweet year. i’m glad it’s over, and i’m ready to start again, write those chapters and keep on taking control of my own history. next year will be hard. college will probably not be very nice on me, but we’ll keep on going. if i made it through 21 years of my life, i can make it through another one.

now... i don’t know what to say about the decade. i came in as an 11 year old kid that wanted the world, and i left as an adult that knows that i deserve the world. i met many people that i don’t talk to anymore but that remains as important to me as they were back then. i made so many friends from places i’d never dream of, i learned so much about the world just through a screen in a way my parent’s wouldn’t have dreamed of at my age, i changed so much. i remember in 2010 when i met the dude that gave me a gift: the band that saved my life and that gave me the best friends i could have asked for. he was in my life for a very short time but he means a lot still. 2011 when i first learned about straight edge, and got back into wrestling. 2012 was when i got my first guitar, the gift i wanted for a very long time. 2013 was when i finally decided to share what i wrote with the internet. 2014 i met one of the wrestlers i admired the most. 2015 i finished high school, my personal hell that i finally was over with and also when i first heard about what would become my religion. 2016 i saw my favorite band for the first time, and when i  started Law school. 2017 was when i met Lily, and also when i cut off a very toxic friendship, i was finally learning that i deserved better. 2018, another toxic friendship gone, but also the year that the gods brought me my beloved bandmates. and 2019: the year i had one of my biggest dreams coming true. and you know what? i’m sure my 11 yo self would be proud of the person i am right now.

may 2020 and the next decade make more of my dreams come through, may i end the next decade living safely in the place i want to be in, with my family in a good place as well. i hope next year will be better.

and to not break the traditions, some goals:

be able to play the guitar in front of other people

get my German better

maybe get started with the piano

try to write more poetry and maybe finish a book

write more song lyrics for RH

keep the project going with my local band

do more things by myself

read more books

be more organized and maybe learn to follow a schedule

dedicate myself more to my religion & my craft

start the process of moving out

get a side job 

be nicer and more patient 

be more disciplined

save more money

find that hobby!!

well, there’s a lot more than last year, but here’s to a better year, a better decade, filled with success and accomplishments. i’m very grateful for all of the experiences i had so far.

[kiruuuuu]

Ignorance is Blitz

Dearest @magehir​, I wish you a happy birthday and all the best 💖💖 May this next year bring all that you need. Thank you for existing, putting up with me and infecting me with the worst kinds of ideas :) This is a first part to the long-promised Wikihow fic, though it functions just as well as a standalone, and I hope you enjoy it! (hints for Blitz/Rook, Rating T, humour/fluff, ~5k words)

.

“How to give passive-aggressive gifts for Christmas”, Mute murmurs.

Rook’s brain shuts off mid-sentence. He supposes this is one of the situations where people claim to be thinking of a million possible responses when his thoughts have instead come to a screeching halt and the last syllable died on his tongue, never to be accompanied by its brethren which would’ve formed the rest of the term best describing the all you can eat buffet he went to recently: culinary extravaganza.

“How to find hot people to be friends with on Facebook”, Mute adds just as quietly as before, apparently oblivious to the sudden silence as his two friends merely stare at him in vague disturbance. “How to act like a modern vampire.”

“What the fuck”, Rook addresses him and attempts to catch a glimpse of his screen, now thoroughly concerned. “I hope to god this isn’t your google search history you’re reading right now or else we’ll have to start carrying around garlic soon.”

Mute, now having finally noticed their attention, is grinning down at his phone and announces: “How to hide an erection.”

“I could’ve used advice on that in school”, Glaz states drily, startling Rook into a laugh.

“How to be okay with having a communist friend.”

“Are those actual – what the hell are you reading?”

It’s yet another one of their lazy days, meaning they’re draped over various pieces of furniture, dying of boredom and hoping fate plops anything exciting into their laps. Their standards keep dropping with every passing second and it’s happened before that a small caterpillar became the highlight of one of their afternoons – they spent more than an hour simply feeding it and watching it eat and Glaz ended up almost crying when Sledge threw it outside to motivate them for kitchen duty. At this point, Rook would give his left arm for a balloon or a piece of string, though he keeps dismissing Mute’s claims about the internet harbouring enough entertainment to last several lifetimes. Maybe he just doesn’t know where to look, however.

“How to trick people into thinking you’re possessed.”

“Step one: be Mark Chandar on too many energy drinks.” Mute throws the Frenchman a glare and earns an innocent smile in return. “Seriously though, pretending to be possessed by a demon must be hilarious around Maestro, he’d probably cry.”

“He’d cry for you”, Mute informs him. “With me, he’d offer to put me down before even thinking twice about an exorcism. Do you think we should pick one of these stupid articles and actually do what it says? It could be entertaining.”

“Are there any remotely nice ones?”, Glaz wants to know hopefully. “Like ‘how to break into somebody’s room and clean it without their knowledge’?”

“Oh, here’s one for Jules – ‘how to love’.”

Before Rook can even threaten bodily harm, Glaz sighs and mumbles: “That one I definitely don’t need to read.”

Fighting down the urge to just hug him and never let him go so no one can ever hurt him again, Rook suggests: “They probably have stupid suggestions for really normal things too, don’t they? Like really detailed descriptions of how to shower for example, we can take those and exaggerate them a bit. How does that sound?”

“In that case I’ve got the perfect example”, Mute replies excitedly. “How to date. Short and sweet but the very first point is setting yourself up for success, so this should be good. If we follow this like a recipe, we’ll be dating left and right no problem.”

“Somehow, I doubt that”, Glaz sighs. “Who do you even want to date?”

“What do you mean, ‘you’? Shouldn’t you be the one to do it?”

“I’ll do it”, Rook volunteers to gloss over the fact that the last time Glaz asked anyone out on a date was likely ten years ago whereas he himself flirts with everything that moves, therefore making an unsuccessful attempt sting less. “So, how do I trick myself into being successful?”

“Define your expectations”, Mute quotes the article with a grin. “Are you looking for a lifetime commitment?”

“Sorry, mystery guy, but I’m already in a committed relationship with -”

“- yourself”, Glaz butts in, making Mute snort and break out into immature giggling as soon as he notices Rook’s indignant expression.

“… I was going to say my bed and food, but I guess that works. Thank you for the vote of confidence, in any case. Am I that self-absorbed? I don’t think I am, I’m a good listener, right? And it’s not like I talk over people or ignore them, or as if I’m lacking awareness of talking too much about myself. You wouldn’t call me egocentric, would you? I definitely don’t fit all of the criteria, after all I’m not -”

“Decide how you want to date”, Mute interrupts him quite rudely, Rook finds. “You’re absolutely not going to snag anyone on the internet, we may be out for a laugh but you’re not catfishing anyone.”

“Why would I catfish?! The only fitting part of that is the fish, since I’m a real catch”, Rook protests and causes the other two to groan.

“Yeah, no, I’m not letting you on the internet because you’d need a likeable personality for it. Oh, one of the options is having a friend set you up. I like that – Glaz, who should he try to date?”

“Craig”, the Russian deadpans immediately. Concerned silence follows as the other two attempt to assess whether he’s joking or not. “You can go watch a film with him and get kicked out when he won’t stop talking loudly.”

“I’d say Seamus but -”

“- there’s no way I can compete with Italian sausage”, Rook chimes in and feels a grim satisfaction at Mute’s grimace. He really reacts as if they were talking about his real parents. “Have you seen his bruises? The worst I’ve done is accidentally slap someone in the face.”

Glaz is horrified. “How do you… accidentally?”

“Listen, I was drunk, the guy kept getting louder and louder about wanting me to spank him but I at that point didn’t know how it’s done, so I just…”

“Maybe this was a mistake”, Mute grumbles and rubs his temple. “I would have you date Seamus now just out of spite but he’d chuck you out the nearest window as soon as you started babbling nonsense or acting weird. We need someone who’s more lenient, ideally someone nice so they don’t hold a grudge when we tell them it was all for shits and giggles, maybe shy because then your chances are better, and someone who doesn’t dislike you. So Fuze is out.”

“What, why?”

“Are you telling me you’d like to date Fuze?”

“No, I mean – why doesn’t he like me? He never talks to me, but he never talks to anyone.”

“It could be the fact that you helped Dom dye his teeth blue while he slept. Not only is it fucking creepy, he also looked like he ate all the Smurfs for a day.”

“What about Elias?”

Again, Glaz’ contribution gives them pause, albeit a noticeably more pensive one this time. He’s right, what about Blitz? Together with Sledge, Thatcher and Montagne he makes up Team Dad, meaning they look out for everyone but especially the younger operators, take them under their wing – yet it also means neither of the three are particularly keen on details about their love lives, which is why Mute’s thoughts instantly went to Sledge as a form of punishment. Blitz is similar in that vein, though he fits the Brit’s description to the letter: he’s quick to forgive people, has an atrocious track record concerning relationships as far as they know and he seems to enjoy Rook’s company. He might indeed be a good target for this.

“Rather him than Gilles or Mike”, Rook hastens to reply as soon as he realises that if he rejects the German, this is where his friends’ worrisome thoughts are going to end up. Both of them could easily be his dad, unlike Blitz who might have a fatherly protective attitude towards his younger colleagues but at least no grey hairs yet.

“I’m sure you could win them over with your boyish innocence”, Mute deadpans, making Rook grimace. “They might be a tad too old for your tastes though. I think Mike even owns a Cat Stevens CD.”

“Remember how Elias and Marius talked about a DOS-based game? I think he is, too, but he’s the best out of the three.”

“Ten years older isn’t too old.”

Glaz and Rook exchange a meaningful glance and merely raise their brows at an increasingly flustered Mute who looks ready to smack himself in the face with his phone, given how much he’s suddenly fiddling with it. “I’m not sure we’re talking about Julien and Elias anymore”, the Russian states drily, and Rook nods up a storm.

“Look”, Mute begins to defend himself to two expectant expressions and eventually just sighs in frustration. “Whatever, let’s not talk about my crush -”

“Oh, so it is a crush now, is it?”

“Shut up.” Rook wasn’t aware that Mute’s ears could be this shade of red. “James is… a good friend right now.”

“You say this as if you hadn’t thought about whether he sounds in bed just like the time Seamus accidentally pelted him in the balls with Diana’s tennis ball and he whimpered for an hour straight.” Rook feels a rush of pride at his comment when Mute suddenly looks ready to murder. It seems like he hit the mark, just like Sledge had done: right in the crotch.

“He strikes me as someone who’s had dog slobber in that particular area before”, Glaz murmurs probably as an aside and looks almost shocked when Rook’s instant guffawing lets him know that he said this out loud. Even Mute doesn’t seem sure whether he should be horribly offended or deeply amused.

.

In the end, they do decide on Blitz being their victim. Glaz gets cold feet halfway through the conversation, raising the issue of morality and deceit but gets shot down quickly when Mute lists some of the pranks with which Bandit got away and which had exceedingly far-reaching consequences. The West wing of their building still has no running water. Not that Rook is complaining about sharing their showers with some of its occupants, no, not at all.

“We’re going to Bond you up”, Mute announces while digging through one of the many, many drawers in the workshop that are filled with… stuff. Rook is waiting for the day this stuff starts pouring out of every cupboard they have, because it means it’ll all get cleaned up and tidied by someone who’s not getting paid enough and maybe then they’ll find the remote for the TV again. He’s sick of bribing people to turn the volume up or down by pressing buttons on the device directly, especially because his candy stash has run low by now because of it.

“What are you guys doing?”

Only Rook and Glaz turn away from the unmanageable mess of cords, cables, plugs and other electric parts in which Mute is elbow deep right now, and maybe Rook should worry about it turning sentient and swallowing the Brit whole at some point, but right now he’s worrying about one thing only: the possibility of Bandit catching wind of what they’re doing. He’s pretending to make nonchalant small talk but really, he must’ve smelled blood. He always knows when they’re up to something.

“Befriending communists”, Glaz replies politely.

“Hiding boners”, Rook supplies.

Bandit’s eyes narrow suspiciously but he remains silent as Mute produces a triumphant noise and pulls out what looks like an earring attached to a cable and a few other things, with a small box at the end. “Here we go! You can wear this, Jules.”

“In my life I’ve only fucked one guy who wore earrings”, Bandit deems it necessary to divulge. “And when he got dressed, he’d do sock shoe sock shoe.”

Rook snorts. “I’m not surprised you’re friends with James since you seem to have prior experience with psychopaths.”

“Let’s go, boys, we have all we came for”, Mute tells them, an unambiguous signal to not engage Bandit any further or else he’s never going to leave them alone, and starts herding them out of the workshop. To their collective annoyance, Bandit follows, unperturbed by the waves of get lost rolling off of them.

“If I give you a Curly Wurly, will you leave us alone?”, Rook addresses him and earns a scoff.

“Please, as if I could be bribed with sweets. This is an interesting device you’re undoubtedly going to misuse somehow and I want to see where it’s going.”

“And four hobnobs. The ones with chocolate.”

“I just told you -”

“Add a chocolate orange to that.”

“Deal. Have fun!”

.

“I feel extraordinarily gay”, Rook mumbles into his collar and prays that no one else in the canteen is paying any attention to him hovering uncertainly at the edge of the room, waiting for Zofia to be done talking to his mark. Blitz looks comfortable in the middle of the room, paperwork spread out on the table before him and an open bag of crisps by his elbow – only he would still be working during his lunch break. Considering all the people in front of whom Rook could be thoroughly embarrassing himself, he’s one of the better options as his smile is not only contagious but also very pretty. So even if this will influence his reputation for a while, Blitz is likely to be a good sport about it all.

Rook is wearing an apron reading Kiss the cook because one of the items on Mute’s blasted list involved making him look ‘approachable’, and since the pink t-shirt they gifted Glaz with the slogan ‘single and ready to flamingle’ is in the wash, this was the next best option. The earring which serves as Mute’s and Glaz’ way of communicating with him during this whole ordeal is not only garish but unfortunately a clip-on, so Rook couldn’t refuse wearing it. He feels like a budget version of an undercover agent, only much, much shadier.

“You look it, too, so it’s perfect”, Mute’s tinny voice reassures him into his left ear. They’re both sitting at the other end of the canteen, sharing popcorn and crunching infuriatingly loudly into their mic. “Make eye contact, smile and raise your eyebrows – that’s the first step, according to this masterpiece.”

It’s the perfect opportunity to implement a technique Rook has mastered almost twenty years ago: he starts out by rolling his eyes over his friends but as soon as he notices Blitz looking over, Zofia nowhere in sight, it transforms into a bright smile. This instantaneous switch in facial expressions has served him well over the years, especially around unlikeable teachers or bosses – only this time, he thinks a little too much about what Mute has said and ends up with a manic grin instead of a friendly smile while lifting his brows so high he must look either utterly astonished or inexplicably anticipatory.

Glaz masks his snort as a cough whereas Blitz reciprocates his bloodthirsty smirk with a much milder lifting of the corners of his mouth. Even from this distance, Rook can detect his concern which is probably fighting Blitz’ omnipresent drive to be social, accepting and open-minded. He always looks like this when Twitch’s current explanation has left him lost half an hour ago or when Tachanka jovially reminisces about early Spetsnaz training (and who in the world thinks that being chased through a hallway filled with blood and guts by a massive dog in the middle of the night was in any way, shape or form fun).

He’s starting to feel bad. Only a little, but honestly, when Blitz put on the clothes his blind roommate laid out for him this morning (because how else does he explain his usual attire), he probably wasn’t expecting to become a wikihow experiment today.

“I swear you’re gonna make me choke on this popcorn”, Glaz mutters and, like clockwork, Rook immediately replies: “Sounds less entertaining than choking on cockporn.”

More strangled noises in his ear, but fortunately Mute takes over to rescue him from certain death via being cast out of society by informing him of the next step: “Indicate interest and project confidence during social situations. Go on, be interested and confident. You’re as great as you are misguided in one of those, and terrible at the other.”

Rook ignores the slight (really, just because he once paid no attention to what Mute was telling him and they ended up stranded in the wilderness with no more gas doesn’t make him a bad listener, and him self-assuredly flirting his way into some stranger’s car who then became a little too interested in him doesn’t necessarily mean he’s overconfident), and approaches his target with a cocksure swagger he’s practised for exactly three seconds on the way to the canteen. “Hey, what are you doing, I like you, is this equipment paperwork, I’ve actually done a ton of these so I’m an absolute pro, how are you this fine day?”

Blitz stares at him. Maybe Rook should’ve let the other two know that he gets the worst case of stage fright whenever he feels observed in social situations and that it manifests in casual blabbering. “I, uh, I’m good, thanks. Are you alright?”

He sounds hesitant and Rook can’t blame him. After plopping down opposite of the German with a slightly less manic smile, he attempts to ignore Mute and Glaz whom he can very clearly see over Blitz’ shoulder and who both seem to be shoving their fists into their mouths to try and not giggle too obviously. “Peachy”, he beams. “How’s the work going? Is it just as work-y as always?”

His contagious laugh falls on deaf ears, at least from the man he’s talking to. Glaz looks about ready to cry.

“I suppose so.” Bless Blitz for his endless patience. The doubtful tone is still present and betrays his suspicion of something going on, but as Rook neither attempts to steal or set fire to the papers nor to shove a cake into his face, he probably figures there’s no immediate danger. “Have you actually filled out these kinds of forms before?”

“Confidence”, Mute squeaks into his ear, still suppressing his mirth, and Rook suddenly wonders whether Smoke would like to know about the time Mute despaired over his new laptop not working, troubleshooting it for several days and refusing any and all outside help until an innocently passing-by Jäger pointed out that it wasn’t plugged in. So far, the event has been contained but Rook has long been waiting for an opportunity to unleash this knowledge.

“Of course, I used to do them all the time as homework, I could do them in my sleep”, Rook lies through his teeth.

“Great!” It seems Blitz failed to get the memo about projecting entirely misplaced confidence because he goes on to ask: “Could you help me with this one detail then? I’m not sure what -”

And while he explains his problem, Rook’s brain long having shut off, Mute informs him of the next step: “Make engaging small talk. Ask broad, open-ended questions like ‘so, what got you interested in rock-climbing’.”

“So, what got you interested in rock-climbing?”, Rook interrupts Blitz’ detailing completely out of the blue. A distance away, Glaz is putting his head in his hands.

Blitz forgets to close his mouth for a few seconds, and Rook almost wishes he didn’t stop talking but instead ignored Rook’s question entirely. “I… am not particularly interested in rock-climbing, if I’m honest. Why do you ask?”

And while Rook flounders and stutters out a non-committal oh, you know, Glaz, the absolute angel on his shoulder, decides to step in and save him: “Perfect opportunity, the next step is don’t take yourself too seriously. Try making a joke at your own expense if you say something you think is utterly stupid. You can save this, Julien, I believe in you.”

“Well, uh.” Think, think, think. Rook feels like Winnie the Pooh and barely stops himself from tapping his temple. As usual, his mouth is writing checks long before his brain has earned the money, and so he witnesses in unfortunately non-mute horror as the words come over his lips: “It’s just that your muscles are as hard as a rock and I suddenly thought how awesome it would be to go rock-climbing.”

Smooth.

Blitz is genuinely gaping now.

Behind him, Mute nearly falls off his chair while shaking with silent laughter, and Glaz is wearing the all too familiar expression of ‘if anyone asks, I will forever deny knowing you’.

“I, um, well, thanks? I guess? Julien, are you sure there’s nothing wrong?”

“I’ve never felt better in my life.” Confidence, right? What was the other thing? Open-ended questions? “Speaking of, what do you want to achieve in life?”

How Blitz hasn’t gotten whiplash yet is a mystery. Maybe Rook will be able to make Mute laugh so hard he’ll drop dead. He’s looking a little blue in the face already. “Why do you ask? Do you really want to know?”

“Yes!”, Rook responds too forcefully and thanks whoever is responsible for Blitz being completely resistant to weird behaviour, merely accepting it as a fact of life and glossing over it. On second thought, the reason for this is most definitely Bandit and Rook would rather gnaw off his own toes than thank Bandit for anything.

Blitz’ eyes lower and he absent-mindedly moves some of the papers around. His entire demeanour… shifts. “I want to make a difference somehow. And I know this sounds horribly cliché, and everyone here has the same wish – but does that make it in any way less special? I don’t think so. We put our lives on the line to ensure some girl will have a mother when she grows up, to inspire some people to turn their life around, so that people have a roof over their head and peaceful sleep. And I don’t care if some say there’s better ways to do this. This is mine, this is something I’m good at, and my capabilities are useful here where they would be lost as a politician or anything else. And there always will be more to do, I’ll never be done, but that’s okay. I’ll know I’ve done a bit, and I’m happy with that already.”

Something flutters.

He hasn’t felt it in a while, not like this, usually stemming from a different place in his body or more concrete, aided by alcohol or general giddiness, but paradoxically his heartbeat is calming down despite the tingling sensation in his chest. Speechless, he stares at the man in front of him, trying to do what he always does when people’s sincerity makes him uncomfortable – joking about it in his head, react with sarcasm, discard the notion as sentimental or naive. Only right now, it’s his cynicism which feels fake instead of Blitz’ words.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to bore you with a speech”, the German adds sheepishly and laughs a little. It’s cute. It’s the cutest thing Rook has seen today and if he does that thing where he scratches the back of his head because he’s embarrassed and a little lost now, Rook might pass out on the spot, just lose all body tension and glide to the ground like a jelly pancake because no one, and that includes genuinely happy Glaz, no one has any right to be this adorable.

Blitz scratches the back of his head.

“I’m going to faint”, Rook informs someone, he’s not even sure who, whether it’s Mute and Glaz and this is a badly hidden attempt at getting them to come to his aid, or whether it’s Blitz to inform him that the cute police is on his case.

“Oh, that’s right, it’s lunch and you haven’t eaten anything yet, no?” If his next sentence is something along the lines of ‘let me offer you food’, he’ll have to propose. There’s no way around it. “I’d offer you something more substantial but I only have the crisps. You can try them if you want, but they’re a little hot.”

Right on cue, Mute whispers in his ear: “You should find some common ground and then ask him out. This is already a disaster, no need to prolong it.”

“I love hot things!”, Rook exclaims cheerfully and it’s not even that big of a lie, except that ‘food’ isn’t on the list. But if Mute wants his common ground, he’s going to get it. Without checking the packaging, Rook reaches into the bag and shoves a few of the suspiciously red potato crisps into his mouth.

“He’s going to die”, Glaz utters full of concern, just as the spiciness hits Rook full force.

Blitz seems to be convinced of the opposite. “Really? That’s great, I’ve not found anyone who likes this type. You should try some of the Indian dishes I make now and then!”

Rook’s consciousness is fading, slowly being replaced by unadulterated fire. This must be what it’s like to be burnt alive, he reckons, and right now he’d rather eat glass than ensure a second more of this brilliant pain. His eyes are watering and he’s doing his best to efficiently chew without letting any more of it touch his tongue so he can swallow it as fast as possible, in the process ruining his throat. Now it, too, feels like he ate glass. “I’d love to”, he croaks and sniffles pitifully while a cold sweat breaks out on his back.

“Are you ill? You’re a little…” Blitz’ concern is as heartwarming as it is unwelcome; it only makes everything worse.

“Yes, actually.” He can’t cough now. If he does, all is lost, he won’t be able to stop, ever, and it’ll invade his lungs and slowly cook him from the inside out.

“You need to get out”, Glaz informs him, sounding troubled, “and eat your emergency chocolate. Now. Ask him and then bolt.”

This is it, huh. This is what he’s been working up to for the last half an hour: posing a question while sounding like he’s been smoking for longer than he’s been alive, choking back tears which make it almost impossible to see Blitz, and faced with all the kindness and compassion of a man he suddenly doesn’t want to disappoint.

And so he asks.

.

“I am still in shock”, Mute says. The others nod.

“I have no idea how it came to this”, Glaz says. More nodding.

“I can finally feel my tongue again”, Rook slurs and downs the third glass of milk, just to be safe. He feels like he ran a marathon, solved maths problems and had an allergic reaction all at once. Not to mention the overarching shame of having embarrassed himself in front of someone who turned out much more sympathetic than he thought.

“I don’t understand.” Mute’s rational brain is rejecting this reality, Rook can almost hear the gears crunching. “Why would he say yes?! Where did we go wrong?”

He’s hesitant to tell them that he actually wouldn’t mind getting to know Blitz better because the memory of them shoving oversized condoms into Glaz’ pockets in order to embarrass him in front of his crush is still all too fresh. “This was a success then”, he very inaccurately summarises the unholy catastrophe of whatever it was that happened in the canteen twenty minutes ago. Maybe he can just… pretend he doesn’t want to actually go on the date but go nonetheless, be far, far from either of these two so he might end up enjoying himself – and if something comes out of it, he still has ample time to let them know.

“You don’t seem sad about this result”, Mute picks up on his careful neutrality and squints. “Are you telling me you actually want him to make you groan with something other than his terrible dad jokes? Is that it?”

“We probably should’ve picked Shuhrat after all”, Glaz muses with a sigh. “He wouldn’t have accepted. He might’ve refused to ever go near you again, but at least we wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“Wait.” Mute is on his phone, which is never a good sign if the Thomas the tank engine toy he modified into a fully functioning flamethrower after having watched a video of someone else doing it was any indication. A sense of dread starts rising in Rook. “There’s instructions for a first date here, too. We can do the same thing again, give you instructions and have you follow them. At this point, we kinda have to do this.”

Rook pictures it. All he can see is carnage, chaos and more catastrophes. It’ll be a disaster, he’s already struggling with multi-tasking without it involving another largely unpredictable person, and his nerves don’t deal well with expectations of any kind.

He weighs this against the alternative: admitting that he’d like to go on the date without their interference and facing endless mockery as a result. He remembers his own mental threat against Mute to divulge embarrassing stories of his past to Smoke. He thinks of the time his tongue got stuck to a pole because Mute told him this only happened to children, not adults.

“Alright”, he agrees with a sigh and regrets his decision as soon as Mute’s and Glaz’ eyes light up.

[planetoban]

Savin’s Answers from Twitter, Part 4!

Still catching up on the backlog; this post covers tweets from May 2018 through October 2018

As always, tweets are in order from most to least recent, and answers are not 100% true/canon since things may change during production of the sequel. Text is unedited save for formatting; in a few places I added [comments] for context.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3

Also: If you’re going to ask Savin something, please be respectful and appropriate. He’s a person just like you and me.

@jeltezandberg1: I also hope the dutch dub would be re-released on blue ray. Because the dutch DVD version was never fully released ,except for the first volume. The reason for it was because the publisher responsible for the dutch DVD version went bankrupt.

@EiffelSavin: Not cool. We'll see what we can do but unfortunately we don't own the rights to that dub

(x)

@RedVioletPanda: I'm wondering, does Aikka have any other family besides his parents? Also does Spirit have a family or not?‏

@EiffelSavin: If we produce the spinoff you'll have your answer regarding Aikka

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@GaulStg2713: I watched a few episodes back when Oban first aired, and recently I just finished binge-watching the whole thing and now I've learned about this! Awesome! (Is it too much to ask for a heroic Crog guy in this one? I love their design and was sad the only Crog we got were jerks.)‏

@EiffelSavin: I agree with you. If we do produce a sequel your wish may be granted... 😉

(x)

@ILOVE659709491: I’m curious if Maya had not died in a racing crash but had still died due to illness or in a way DW couldn’t blame himself for, would Don Wei still have abandoned Eva and have the same severe reaction to Maya’s death even if it wasn’t in a racing crash, or would DW

‏@ILOVE659709491: have raised Eva & maybe remarry and not have as severe a reaction to Maya’s death but actually move on from it sooner if Maya had not died in a racing crash?

@EiffelSavin: I don't think he would have abandonned Eva if Maya hadn't died a crash. She died while racing for his team. That made him feel directly responsible.

(x)

@Helloworld1012: Sounds interesting. Also, I have to ask regarding OSR 2 has a plotline already been decided?

@EiffelSavin: Yes. We're moving ahead very slowly, but we do have a pretty good idea of where we want to take the new show

(x)

@Dmitry14846442: I wonder if the full version of "Never say Never" exists at all.

@EiffelSavin: Not sure.... ABC family made me listen to it before they chose it but I don't remember how long it was. If it wasn't intended to be released as a single, then there's probably only the short version though.

(x)

@AshBashS_: Ever thought about setting up a type of Kickstarter or patreon? I know those who love the series would like to help out any way they can.

@EiffelSavin: That's certainly an option for a bluray release, a pilot or some early development.

@EpicLoneDreamer: Man... Still hard to understand how geniuses can be broke. The sequel is written already? OMG. What about two queens? 11 years waiting!

[note: AFAIK Savin hasn’t said anything about the sequel’s script being finished]

@EiffelSavin: I must bear the blame for some of it, with zero talent for brown nosing & for choosing projects that stand a little out of the ordinary. Another part can be put on the production system, especially in France, which tends to favor doing the same safe stuff over and over again...

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@penguin_elder: the second question  why did jordan easily submit to the idea of becoming avatar,seeing from his actions he wanted to be with molly ithought he would be the first one to disagree on such a big responsibility.keep doing what your doing you're fan from the middleeast

@EiffelSavin: Jordan had sort of a predisposition as he gradually realized Eva didn't have the same feelings for him that he had. Then came a rare chance to save the galaxy, even if it meant losing all he had been. Jordan took it. Cause that's the kind of guy he is & also out of <3 for Eva...

(x)

@Helloworld1012: I’m now super curious, in ep 17 Mrs Stern said something about Eva being capable of stealing from a shop of leaving a hotel room without paying for it. So I’m curious, Is Eva actually capable of stealing or leaving a hotel room without paying for it? I had she

@Helloworld1012: actually done that before? I know Eva’s rebellious, but I can also see she’s a bit of a ”goody-two-shoes.” So I’m curious is Eva actually capable of breaking the law

‏@EiffelSavin: Well, it's the evil headmistress speaking so we can't take her words for granted. But she does hint that during previous attempts to escape from her boarding school Eva may have not always strictly stuck to the law.

(x)

@TengIlar: Hey, guys! There are no announcements, no arts, no teasers, no trailers, no news - nothing at all! Are you still alive? #OSR #OBAN #oban_star_racers

@EiffelSavin: Alive but dealing with a number of different projects, not all related in animation in my case. If you really want to know, I've just spent two weeks leaving in the streets to do research on the lifes of homeless teenagers for one of these projects.

@Helloworld1012: Out of curiosity what project is that?

@EiffelSavin: A project about young punks surviving in the streets with their dogs. But I won't say anymore for the time being. It's very much a work in progress.

(x)

@MassimoJPN: I just got to know about the Blue-Ray project of OSR and I'm incredibly excited now !! Is there any chance that there is gonna be the german voice acting on the discs as well ? I would even get it without, but the old voices are childhood memories ! :)

@EiffelSavin: We should have French, English and Japanese. German is more problematic as we don't own the rights to that version.

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@LiveforOban: I’m curious, do all star race teams managers own their own race team like Don Wei does, or do most star-race managers work for someone else & don’t own their own race team? Also, the show made it clear that when he was Maya’s manager Don Wei worked with only one

@LiveforOban: racer at a time & that his team used only one star-racer at a time, so why is it that in 2082, Wei Race has several star racers?

@EiffelSavin: There are other managers/owners like Don Wei but most teams were not able to survive without the support of a larger parent company. Remaining a relatively small team in terms of funds, Don Wei has usually concentrated all his means & efforts on one top racer: Maya then Rick.

@LiveforOban: So I’m guessing Maya was his first racer.

@EiffelSavin: yes

(x)

@ILOVE659709491: I know Maya was considered to be a beautiful young woman, but I’m curious when he was younger did women consider Don Wei to be a handsome man? In 2082 is Don Wei considered attractive?‏

@EiffelSavin: Don Wei was not bad looking but was no Don Juan either. His charm came from his intelligence and well as from the power of his dream to succeed in the racing business. That's probably what touched handsome Maya.

@ILOVE659709491: What does not bad looking even mean? Does that mean he was fairly attractive? Because I need more clarification on that.‏

@EiffelSavin: I mean not ugly by any means but not someone you'd turn around to look at when his walking down the street - unlike Maya.

(x)

@LiteMorgan: What’s the plan with the theme music? Aware there were a bunch of versions - Japanese, French, Japanese remix for most of EU, and the American version.

@EiffelSavin: We should have the original Yoko Kanno version + the french version as bonus. US version is less probable as we do not own the rights.

(x)

@EiffelSavin: Today I recovered the digital copies of  #ObanStarRacers' Japanese master tapes. We'll hopefully add the Japanese language tracks to our planned #bluray release !

@firechikara: Awesome! I hope you'll include the different Opening Theme (apparently from what I've seen, there's a short and long version) as a bonus.

@EiffelSavin: yes!

(x)

@ArkantosRedwolf: Do you have by any chance the Latin American dub? That would be the mother of all nostalgia if you could added to the bluray release.

@EiffelSavin: We'll try but this may be more difficult to obtain. We do not own the latin dub and had no direct part in their recording.

(x)

@Helloworld1012: I’m still really curious, but in ep 18 Maya was wearing a traditional Chinese dress during her date with DW and I’ve noticed her racing uniform resembles a Chinese dress, so is Maya from China or at the very least Chinese?‏

@EiffelSavin: I think I already answered that. Don Wei's origins are only hinted at but for me he's of Chinese origin and Maya isn't. Regarding the dress that was just to please Don. That beeing said anyone is free to interpret the series as he likes and make it his own 😊

(x)

@LiveforOban: Why did Don Wei have such a severe reaction to Maya’s death? No matter how much he loved her & no matter how brutal her death, Don’s reaction was to severe. Considering his personality changed he abandoned his kid & tried to forget his past.

@EiffelSavin: Extreme love can lead to extreme consequences. Romeo killed himself after Juliette killed herself. Don Wei's reaction to Maya's death was a little less radical but the idea is the same. He couldn't bare to leave without her all the more as he felt responsible for her death.

@LiveforOban: Doesn’t that basically mean Don Was obsessed with Maya?

@EiffelSavin: Yes, but in a good way - at least until she died. These two really loved each other and formed a perfect family before drama struck.

(x)

@vaatil: watching Oban with the pals for the first time, we re on episode three and i loVE RICK‏

@EiffelSavin: And rightly so - Rick is the top bad ass dude! 😉

(x)

@Helloworld1012: I'm curious, since their in the concept art but Are Aikka and Eva going to return as major characters in the sequel/spinoff? Also, I'm curious but what will happen to Aikka when he returns to Nourasia? If I'm not mistaken the Crogs are still in control of his planet,

@Helloworld1012: And he's already done several things in the race to risk banishment.‏

@EiffelSavin: Yes, but there's also a new Avatar now, which should change things a bit - or do they? 🙂

(x)

@ILOVE659709491: Did Kanaletto manipulate Eva’s life from the moment she was born? In episode 26 Kanaletto States so himself that for centuries he manipulated time just so he could find Eva & use her.‏

@EiffelSavin: Correct.

(x)

@djinni0024: I know you aren't on Twitter much, but for the sequel, do you guys plan on making it have a darker theme, with more adult tones to it? Most of us (that being your original fan audience) are well in our 20s-30s.

@EiffelSavin: That would be ideal, but it depends on who will finance us

(x)

@NoelCT: Beautiful work, as always. I've been excited to see 2 Queens for years. I'm sorry it's still taking so long to come together, but thankful you haven't given up on it.

@EiffelSavin: Haven't given hope! Actually currently looking for a new character designer to start over on a slightly different direction.

(x)

@KananJarrus: Would be awesome if the #ObanStarRacers Soundtrack got a re-release, for people (like me) who missed out on it years ago. Great, high quality soundtrack @EiffelSavin‏

@EiffelSavin: One of our plans with the Bluray release is to add all existing tracks as a potential bonus (and there's around 85 of them).

(x)

@Helloworld1012: I’m curious since it got to me, that during her time in the boarding school Eva most have done things besides drawing & mechanics to pass the time, but Does Eva like to read? & if so what kind of books did she like to read? Also in ep 18 I noticed Maya wore a chinese dress during her date with Don, is Maya from china or Chinese?

@EiffelSavin: Don Wei's surname implies that he's of Chinese origin, which would make Eva half Chinese. [Implying Maya isn’t Chinese]

@RyanMoate: I can imagine that if Eva read it would be articles about her father's racing career and probably manuals considering she built the rocket seat.‏

@EiffelSavin: Yes, a mechanical geek. Plus she loves hardcore techno - the best way for her to relieve her stress and teenage angst!

(x) (x)

[In response to Catsuka posting the OSR pilot]

@copperfield42: wow, it [Molly Star Racer] looked more silly that the final product...

@EiffelSavin: All the main ideas were in the pilot, but it was a little more comedy oriented and aimed at a slightly younger target audience. As we developed the world and the characters, we fond a new and more fitting equilibrium for the show.

(x)

@ILOVE659709491: I know there are other possibilities for DW's background, but I just want to know, could the theory that Don Wei was born to a high-class family in China, but that DW turned his back on the life he knew when he eloped with Maya also be a possible background for Don?

@EiffelSavin: Choose as you prefer. But bear in mind that you don't need to have been born in the "upper class" to want to behave like someone from the "upper class".

(x)

@Alix_Mei: One question, this series going to be in Netflix?

@EiffelSavin: too soon to say

(x)

@RedVioletPanda: Now that I'm thinking of it, would the Nourasians Knights be similiar to Shaolin practictioners @EiffelSavin ?

@EiffelSavin: Not a bad comparison. They both have strong training, both physical and mental, with the addition of magical training for Nourasian Knights.

(x)

@fictionjustis: Is DW’s grey hair due to stress & grief and has nothing to do with his age? In the flashbacks where Maya is alive DW seems to be in his 20s + DW and Maya seem to be the same age. Maya was only 28 when she died, meaning Eva was born when DW was in his early 20s‏

@EiffelSavin: Don Wei is a little older than Maya and more in his forties at the start the show. But stress may have also played a part

@fictionjustis: I’m curious, a little older is so vague. So does that mean Don Wei is only 2 years older than Maya or that his 5-10 years older than Maya? How many years of an age difference did Don & Maya have?‏

@EiffelSavin: I don't have my old notes with me but it was probably around 10 years older, or something close

@fictionjustis: Really, because they don’t look that far in age.

@EiffelSavin: May have been a little less but in real life it's often hard to tell if someone is 25 or 30. In animation, with stylised designs, it's even harder. The acting and body language play a big part.

(x)

@ILOVE659709491: Maya seems to influence Don Wei the same way Eva influences Aikka. Is it possible that though she didn’t introduce him to racing Maya may have encouraged Don Wei to follow his dreams & be a race manager even though it meant going against his parents wishes & expecta- -tions of him? Also DW has a strong comparison with Aikka is it possible that like Aikka DW came from a high-class family that placed high expectations on him?

@EiffelSavin: The main point these two have in common is that they had feelings for their partner or friend. Regarding Maya, it was more her parents who were against her becoming a racer. Not exactly what any parent would have in mind for their beloved daughter

(x)

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck season 2, episode 10 reaction

Done with S2! Thanks to all the translators who make the clips, texts, and social media content accessible to everyone. It’s so much work to do and the Druck translators do a terrific job.

As much as I love going into Matteo’s POV, I’m going to miss Mia’s a lot. This season definitely surpassed my expectations overall.

Episode 10

Clip 1 - Slumber party

The girl crew is having a sleepover and keeping warm in Mia’s bed in their PJs. They talk about how great last summer was, which we unfortunately did not get to see. So Druck should definitely squeeze in an Amira season so we can see the summer before they graduate, eh? Ehhh???

Mia gets a text, but it’s from her mom, not Alex. Kiki says she doesn’t think Björn sent Alex the pictures or else he would’ve texted her already. Or, as Sam points out, he would’ve pushed Björn in front of a train. That option seems quite likely, to be honest. The girls are proud of Mia for standing up to Björn. 

Mia says she needs to talk to Alex about it because it would be worse if he found out through someone else. Kiki gives Mia a hug and says they’ll protect her, and Sam says they beat up people for Hanna, so they’ll beat them up for Mia, too. Hell yeah. Björn needs an ass-kicking far more than Toilet Sam’s girlfriend did.

Down with pacifism! Sam punches a pillow and says down with all men! I’m sad that this is all we get of the sleepover scene that was shown briefly in those ending credits at the beginning of the season, but at least what we did see is cute.

Clip 2 - Talk to each other!!

At school, Mia seems so distracted looking for Alex that some guy knocks into her. She finds Alex at his locker. He seems pissed. PLEASE GOD don’t let it be for Björn-related reasons, let him be better than that. He can’t believe Björn. Please.

Well, he did see the pictures. And he doesn’t get it. Were they for revenge? So he thinks she went out with Björn just to hurt him.

Mia grabs him as he tries to walk away, saying it’s not what he thinks it is, and they need to talk. He says he can’t and has a test now, Mia says tomorrow, and he reluctantly nods. It’s like the conversation that was supposed to happen last week, but didn’t because Björn happened. Mia stares after him. We hear other people’s happy, careless conversations as Mia’s whole world is unraveling. 

Well, she didn’t tell him it was rape/assault yet, so that still puts him above William - it’s one thing to think she’s consensually hooking up with Björn to hurt him, another to not believe her about being assaulted. And he didn’t leave her crying on the ground. It all depends how he reacts tomorrow.

Clip 3 - Fucking Björn keeps ruining things and he’s not even in the episode

After school, when most students are leaving, it’s time for Mia and Alex to talk. He’s looking out the window. She asks about what really happened with him and Björn.

He calls his parents emotionally stunted (slur according to the translations - not sure if it has the same connotations or intensity in German but :/ at its use) and it was hard for Sophie. Her depression got worse when Alex was like 12-13; she was institutionalized twice and went to three therapists until she found one she liked. She was OK after that, until she met Björn. 

We see some flashbacks of Sophie and Alex hanging out in the pool as Alex talks about their close relationship, and then Sophie drifts from Alex to go smooch Björn. Alex was cool with him at first (we see them friendly in the pool) until it became clear Björn made Sophie cry (in the pool we see Alex and Björn rough-housing and play-fighting - innocent this time, but representative of how later it would escalate to actual fighting because of Sophie; notice that Sophie herself drifts out of the footage and isn’t visible except for her legs, like they’re fighting even when she’s gone). Björn tried to emotionally turn Sophie against both her parents and Alex, which is a textbook sign of an abuser, separating the victim from friends and family (in the flashbacks we see Björn holding Sophie close, like he’s trying to have her all to himself). 

Björn also convinced Sophie to stop going to her therapist because he thought the therapist hated him, and threatened to break up with her if she didn’t. Which is also textbook abuse/manipulation. And frankly Björn thinking the therapist hated him could be paranoia, it’s likely, but it’s also possible the therapist legitimately didn’t like him based on what Sophie was saying in therapy and so didn’t encourage Sophie to stay in that relationship. So Sophie’s depression got worse after that, and then that annoyed Björn and he started disappearing and going to clubs for days at a time. I didn’t know I could hate this motherfucker even more.

Sophie barely texted Alexander (he’s crying as he tells this now), she started getting into drugs (not just weed as Björn had told Mia) and it was even worse because she had manic episodes. This whole story is so sad. I do have to give props to Druck because the way they’re laying this out seems so realistic in terms of emotional abuse. 

Alexander spins the ring on his finger. Is that a family ring? I don’t remember if we learned anything about it. Maybe Sophie gave it to him.

Alexander’s family didn’t hear from Sophie for a while until the German embassy called them (not Björn). God, so did Björn run off when Sophie died? I can imagine him doing that, not wanting to take any responsibility. They only saw him again at the funeral, where he claimed in front of everyone that Sophie would still be alive if she had abandoned the family sooner, and Alex lost it and said he’d beat him to death if he came near the family again, Björn ran off. You know, this makes me wonder what the hell Björn was doing trying to get into Alex’s apartment those times. Was he getting a thrill out of just being there and sticking it to Alex? Or was he there to steal stuff or mess with Alex’s things? 

Alexander says he had the worst year of his life until Mia yelled at him in the courtyard. I guess Mia saw right through his bullshit and that brought him back to Earth. Mia grabs his hand.

Alexander is upset that the guy who ruined his life also assaulted Mia. THANK GOD he’s upset that Mia was assaulted, that his anger is directed toward Björn and not at her. Bravo, Alexander, I know it was a low bar but I’m glad you didn’t leave Mia crying on the floor. And bravo, Druck, for taking out that part. It’s hard for Alex not to do anything about it, but Mia says he mustn’t, Björn did it to her and she wants to sort it out

Mia went to the police and Alex is like, “Do you think that will sort anything?” and she points out that beating him up again won’t help, either. True! As much as I wouldn’t mind seeing it. Not worth it for Alexander to go to jail over that scum, don’t let Björn ruin his life further.

Alex reported himself to the police, so they’re going to investigate and interview the victim. Ugh, I don’t want Björn’s sob story full of lies to get Alex in trouble, but it’s the right thing to do, and Alexander chose to do it, so that says a lot about his character.

Alexander is packing up to go, Mia wants to know about their relationship. Alex says he’s going to London after graduation. I like how they’ve positioned him so far away already; he’s far from Mia, in the doorway ready to leave, just like him going to London. He says that this thing between them hasn’t worked from the start. Mia is upset and teary as he tries to go, and tries to get him to stay by saying he’s being an asshole, but he says that’s it. Wow, so they’re really gonna string us along until the end, huh. Imagine if the one version of Noorhelm that I like is the one that broke up for good. 

Mia walks out of the room, through the hall, through the shadows, crying. GOD, CAN NICE THINGS HAPPEN TO MIA ALREADY. I feel like she gets a good day or two at most and then more shit gets flung at her.

Super apropos song lyrics at the end of the clip: “You told me to let go and all I can do is try/I'm running in circles, tired of keeping my head high/You told me to bury my feelings dead I'm alright/Oh, acting my whole life now I am losing this fight” Poor Mia is trying desperately to keep Alex but it’s getting nowhere and he’s telling her it’s over.

Clip 4 - Hanna and Jonas?

Hanna and Mia walk along talking, Hanna asks if it’s over, Mia is on the brink of tears again. It really gets me in the heart how Mia just has to cut off the subject because it’s too painful and she gets choked up so quickly. She asks about Hanna. Jonas has blocked Hanna on Insta for going to Sam’s party … dude, Jonas, get your shit together. Mia says he has no right to tell her what to do. Damn straight.

And Mia says they need to stop talking about guys all the time, they wouldn’t even pass the Bechdel test. LMAO. I’m pretty sure that Druck would pass the Bechdel test? Like Mia and Kiki talking about Kiki’s eating and fitness issues would qualify, for a start? Although standards might be different in a season-long TV show than a movie. But I do also see the irony in like ... this being a TV show where the characters’ choice of conversation topics are dictated by the writers, so Druck could have the girls stop talking about dudes whenever they want.

Also, the Bechdel test was created by a lesbian, and was specifically meant to represent a lesbian experience before the test gained a more widespread usage, so people who are unsatisfied with Druck’s handling of wlw may not enjoy this line - the de-gaying of the Bechdel test might ring too close to Druck dancing away from Mia’s sexuality.

Anyway, Mia doesn’t want to be asked about Alex anymore, so Hanna asks how she did in German, and is astonished that Mia does so well and gets good grades despite dealing with stress. Mia does this adorable hair flip of confidence.

Mia walks off, and HOLY SHIT we switch to Jonas?? And Hanna?? So that shot of Mia walking away wasn’t just random, it was ~symbolic and representing a transition of POV. I do wish we had gotten this scene after Mia and Alex got more of a conclusion to their story; it’d seem more fitting for tying up loose ends. Because I’m still like MIA’S SEASON AIN’T OVER.

Of course that mysterious person who talks to Jonas turned out to be Gereven. I love that he got the name Beanie Boy. Honestly I really love that fandom was like EVEN???? after this one brief appearance. Skam fandom goes hard with their detective skills. (Was he lending Jonas his notes so Jonas could catch up? So thoughtful.)

Hanna sits down across from Jonas and asks about a bad grade he got. It turns out that Jonas got a 0 in three subjects, and at least one of them was for an unexcused absence. Hanna is concerned. I am too. Jonas is a mess. It’s been this way all season but at some point you have to be like, dude, either get over it or get help. If Hanna is the root cause of his pain, he has to let her go (much as I root for Janna and Honas) but if it’s something more, like this guy is depressed, not to mention his substance abuse, then he needs to talk to a therapist.

Hanna wants to talk, Jonas has some work to finish, so she just grabs his pencil and finishes for him. He’s like … is that right? She nods. He jokes that it’s good she doesn’t crib from him anymore. I’m really glad Hanna has been keeping her shit together, it seems, but damn, it’s depressing that we just swung the messiness around to Jonas.

She says that she’s noticed he’s not doing well, and she somehow feels responsible. Jonas points out that she’s not. Hanna says Matteo has noticed that he’s not well, too, and that he says Jonas has locked him out. Jonas says Matteo needs a girlfriend so he can stop getting on his nerves. LMAO. Oh, Jonas. You really are a mess if you’ve missed Matteo’s big puppy eyes. But you know, the utter irony of that quote in a clip where they introduce Matteo’s future love interest, who is very much not a girlfriend.

Hanna says Jonas blocked her on Instagram. Yeah, Jonas, the hell is that about? Jonas says so it’s so he doesn’t have to see more of Hanna and Sam. Lol, she had like one picture of her and Sam. Hanna says there’s nothing happening with them. Honestly, I guess Jonas has to do what he needs to do to stop wallowing in his misery, and that might mean blocking Hanna on IG (although I think it’s extreme) but at the same time, it doesn’t seem to have done him any good. 

Hanna says she wants to be friends with him, but that’s not possible, is it? Jonas doesn’t say anything but you can tell from his face that she’s right. Before Hanna turns around, he says the equation doesn’t make any sense, and she says it’d be great if it was. Jonas says he was impressed for a minute. OH KIDS. If only the equation WAS RIGHT. And by equation I mean YOU TWO. Get your stuff together!!!!

Clip 5 - Follow your heart

The girl and boy crews are smoking hookah. Mia’s the only one not there. The girls talk about Mia and it feels like they’re the audience surrogates with their range of opinions, lol. What Alex did was fucked up (Hanna) vs. yes but it was understandable (Amira). Hanna thinking Mia deserves a nicer guy, Sam thinking that no matter what happened in the past, Mia and Alex love each other and it sucks it didn’t work out, Kiki just wanting Mia to be happy. The prevailing opinion seems to be that they want Mia to be happy, awwww. And I’m really glad their priorities are Mia’s happiness rather than them just coming across as in-universe Winterberg shippers no matter Mia’s feelings.

Goes without saying but Kiki looks cute with her glasses. All the girls look great, Hanna is rocking that red lipstick.

Amira is just like, all men suck, we don’t even have a choice. Kiki points out that Mia has a choice. I mean, who knows, maybe that girl Mia dated before was just a huge mess herself. Sam says women suck, too, and Amira is like no, women don’t rape, objectify, and marginalize men systematically. My soul ascended when I heard Amira say that. I love her, we’ve got to get season 4 somehow. Make it happen!!!!

Lmao, Hanna’s example of a bad woman is Bellatrix Lestrange, interesting that she went fictional! I would volunteer Umbridge as an example myself.

But Hanna points out there are nice guys, too, and Amira points out that guys like Jonas are the worst. At least guys like Alexander don’t pretend they’re not macho. Oh SHIT I got chills hearing this. Jonas is the sensitive hipster guy who thinks he’s woke, but is capable of as much sexism as any other dude. And as Amira points out, Jonas treated Hanna like crap when they were together, and now he acts all controlling. DAMN. CHILLS. I say this as someone who loves German Jonas, and who really loves Jonas and Hanna’s chemistry together: Amira isn’t wrong. Jonas was far from the perfect boyfriend, and in this season he’s been a pain in the ass, trying to manipulate her. I love that Amira lays it out and I think maybe it clicked something for Hanna, something that she already knew, but maybe she just needed Amira’s blunt POV.

Sam says it’s no good to hate all men, and Amira says no, we have to accept some men. Still, I really liked how this conversation didn’t try to soften its feminism? It’s not about man-hating, it’s about being able to acknowledge systemic misogyny honestly.

The girls again assert they are Team Mia above everything, and it’s a nice touch that it’s Kiki leading the charge, after all their drama this season. 

Mia is at home, sad over Alex. She smells his hoodie and looks at herself in the mirror, then over at her slogan: “follow your heart but take your brain with you.” But the way it’s shot, Mia’s head blocks the rest of the quote so it’s just “follow your heart” - a little on the nose, but still a good way to tie that motto back to her character arc. So she puts on her shoes and coat and heads out.

Back with the squads, it’s Sam’s birthday, so they sing to her and she blows out the candle on her cake. The girls ask what she wished for and Sam tells them, no secrets in the crew. She wants a boyfriend. Well, for her sake I hope she gets one? She deserves better than Manfred the middle-aged racial fetishist farmer. Lol, I think it would’ve been fun to see Sam with an age-appropriate version of Kasper, although I can see why the cabin trip ended up having much more drama than just Ouija board shenanigans. Would’ve maybe felt weird to have an actual guy there for some reason. 

Amira gets a text and has to leave, but Sam snatches her phone and the girls see that she works as a delivery girl. Hanna makes a comment that she thought Amira was secretly married - innocent joke or microaggression about Muslim girls getting married off young? They want to know why Amira didn’t tell them, and Amira explains that her brothers can never know because they’ll tell her parents, and her parents, who are doctors, think it’s beneath them for their daughter to be a delivery girl. Man, you can’t drop this on us and not give us a season 4. That’s such an insight into Amira’s relationship with her brothers (including German Elias??) and her parents and their background. It makes sense why she has to save money to go to Australia and her parents don’t approve, they probably think she should stick to studying. I feel like you could dig so much into this material in her season. 

Who will Sam hook up with tonight? She notes that Matteo is quite cute. Matteo certainly is quite cute, sitting there uncomfortably as Sara talks to him. Hanna, sensing disaster, tries to shut that shit down, but turns out she didn’t need to because two seconds later Matteo is making out with Sara! NOOOO, MATTEO. We almost dodged this S2 attempt at heterosexuality! We were near the finish line! At least we consolidated Sara and Emma into one person, so he only has one girl to kiss miserably, not two?

Mia waits for Alexander at the skate park with what looks like cocoa? Chocolate milk? Anyway, nice callback to the other times Alexander showed up with beverages. He comes outside and it’s awkward, but he accepts her drink. They talk about London and she asks why they can’t just be in a long-distance relationship, and he says for that they’d have to be in a relationship. OUCH. Fucking cold, dude.

The closeups of Mia and Alexander position each of them closer to the side of the frame, like she’s to the right and he’s to the left, and it’s a little jarring going back and forth, which is similar to that one confrontation in the first episode (I can’t remember if they used this effect in any other scenes). Makes you feel more of the tension, makes your eyes keep darting from side to side. Nice way to call back toward the beginning. This is a confrontation, too, except back then Mia wanted Alex to leave Kiki alone and get the fuck out of all their lives, and here it’s Mia who wants him to stay and Alex who’s trying to go.

Mia forbids Alex to leave. She’s trying to say it firmly but you can see how scared and unsure she is. Alex points out how it hasn’t worked, they fight and she doesn’t trust him, and that’s when Mia’s gotta put her drink down and go off on him, detailing all the drama and lies of their relationship from the beginning to present. After all that bullshit he pulled, she still wants to be with him, but it’s him who thinks it’s too exhausting to be together. She points out that yeah, it will be exhausting, but, as she reminds him, he said he fell in love with her because she knew who he was right from the start, and that’s why she knows he hurts other to protect himself. Mia says he doesn’t have to do that with her, she’s not leaving, she’s here. And I love that callback to his anxiety attack, she’s reminding him that she stayed before and she’ll stay again.

Mia pulls in Alex and like half-hugs him, it’s stiff at first but Mia doesn’t back off, and he finally gives in. When she pulls back she basically dares him to tell her he doesn’t love her, but of course he says he loves her, and she loves him too. It’s nice that he seems genuinely emotional and even choked up about it, he asks her to say it like he needs to hear it to believe it. And I like that he’s in shadow and a little subdued, while she’s in the light and is just glowing with happiness. The little whisper of “I love you” in his ear is the sweetest thing.

Mia and Alex kiss. Cut back to the party where Carlos and Kiki kiss, Matteo and Sara kiss (NOOOOO), and Abdi and Sam kiss. Three smooching couples in a row, blissfully oblivious to each other. (Well. Two out of three are blissful. Matteo ain’t having a good time.)

LMAO we cut to Hanna, Jonas, and Leonie at a table together, with Jonas in the middle (just like their love triangle!) and Leonie being like … OK. They giggle. This is hands-down one of my favorite shots on Druck, what a good moment.

Mia and Alex continue to kiss and we go from closeups to moving away from them, letting them have their happy ending. and moving away to follow another person’s story. I do wish we could’ve gotten Alex and Mia together for good earlier, with more downtime to enjoy them together at the end, but they did get together and that was a really lovely reunion. 

Druck cast dance party! Truly the best season finale tradition.

Social Media/General Comments:

I feel a little deprived of that sleepover content since they were teasing us at the beginning of the season, but at least there was some SM to show us what the girls were up to. Kiki’s stretchiness was demonstrated once more, and Hanna forgot her toothbrush - seems IC.

Carmen was also a guest at the sleepover, though I don’t know if it was original Carmen or Carmen 2.0. Mia and Kiki cuddle up to Carmen, and then there is a picture documenting exactly what I was thinking, which is Kiki realizing exactly where Carmen has been...

The boy squad plays basketball. They all seem to be terrible. Jonas is absent and the boys comment on it, so he was probably off wallowing/drinking/getting high.

It’s nice that Hanna and Matteo are on pretty close terms, although much of their conversation seems to be concern for Jonas.

Sam made a post about dressing up for motto week, suggesting everyone dress up as her, but telling people not to do blackface. She gives a breakdown and history of blackface that explains why you should not do it. I’m really glad to see more educational content for youth like this. It’s a pretty concise but clear explanation of the racism behind blackface, and it’s something all non-black teens should definitely hear.

On that note, Amira did a Q&A session about Islam to clear up misconceptions people have. Very nice to have this done by a Muslim actress (I think Iman Meskini has done stuff like this on her IG), and I wonder if she improvised these answers? I feel like a lot of the SM content is improv. Anyway, of note: someone asked if she would date a non-Muslim and she said that her religion is a part of her and a non-Muslim wouldn’t be able to participate with her in a big part of her daily life, so he wouldn’t really fit. But it’s a difficult question. HMMMMM. I don’t want to get my hopes up buuuuut this would certainly be a question to explore in depth, don’t you think? Like in an Amira-focused season?

Also, people have a lot of weird assumptions about hijab, things like wondering if Amira is bald underneath (???) or if she showers with it on (???) with Amira having to clarify that she hasn’t stopped showering since wearing hijab (???) But then again we saw Kiki think the same thing earlier this season sooooooooo.

Hanna documents her struggles with school. Oh, Hanna, I was so excited in that brief moment where you solved that equation for Jonas! Alas.

Carlos and Kiki eat cheesecake and I’m very happy to see Kiki eating and enjoying herself. Carlos seems very good for her, but I don’t think it’s just Carlos who’s made her happier, I think the therapy helps, and I think her self-image is just better overall. I mean, Carlos doesn’t like her glasses (poor taste!!) but she likes the way they look and she’s not feeling the need to change them because of a man’s opinion.

Hans didn’t go to Sam’s birthday party because he was nursing a broken heart. Michi dumped him. Hans, all due respect, I cannot say I blame him. Bye, Michi! Hope you find true love!

Linn had to stay home to take care of Hans, LMAO, I’m just imagining Hans crying and moaning on the couch and Linn sitting beside him staring at the TV and eating chips while occasionally patting Hans on the head.

Stuff that was missing from this season that was present in S2: Matteo being rescued by Hans, Jamilla, Kasper (well, Manfred half-counts). Probably more, aside from things that were changed or combined, but those are some things that stick out. I don’t think Jamilla will factor in at all if by a miracle we get Amira’s season, and if Sam gets a boyfriend it won’t be Kasper.

This is my favorite season of a Skam remake so far.

There have been some really good S1 remakes. But the thing is, I didn’t need a good S1 remake, necessarily. Because I already think Eva’s season is great as it is. It’s my second favorite after S3. So the great Eva remake seasons are certainly welcome, but I didn’t have this desire for a remake to come along and fix what I didn’t like about her season. 

But I did have that need for a good S2 remake. Me and Skam S2 don’t quite get along. There are multiple problems I have, mostly revolving around William’s character. I felt like his character never really evolved to the point where I could root for him and Noora, I never felt like he actually regretted most of his bad behavior, and I still felt like I didn’t know who this person was by the end of this season. Who was William other than a sad backstory and a collection of bad boy tropes? We knew nothing about his hobbies or interests. Then there was the dynamic between him and Noora, which had some extremely troubling parts, and which diluted the impact of the sexual assault storyline - William’s behavior was manipulative and didn’t respect Noora’s agency, and his treatment of Noora after she tells him she was raped - shutting her out for days when she begs for him to speak to her - was so appalling that I could never ever forgive him. Additionally, there were issues with the pacing, with certain plot points feeling more out of a CW show than fitting Skam’s realism. So I really, really wanted at least one of the remakes to fix the big problems with S2. 

Is Druck S2 perfect? No, not like I’d say Skam S3 is perfect. Druck didn’t fix all the problems I had with William, and Alexander still had some things that were never addressed to my satisfaction (mostly Kiki-related, or the lesbian comments). They could have done a better job with Mia’s bisexuality. I think the sexual assault storyline was a little rushed, and they should’ve gotten Mia and Alex their happy ending prior to the very last clip - it would’ve been satisfying with some space to see them as a couple at the end, and the transition to Hanna and Jonas drama mid-week would’ve been better if Mia and Alex were more or less wrapped up. However, this still was a big success as a season for me. 

What’s especially remarkable is that Mia was a weaker part of S1 for me - not to a huge degree, just that in the beginning I wasn’t quite sold on her. And Alexander was my least favorite William of the first four remakes that aired (Druck, France, Italia, and Austin). There just didn’t seem to be much charm to him. But I grew to love Mia - she has elements of Noora while still feeling like her own character, someone who had clear flaws and made big mistakes, but was still someone I rooted for the entire time. Alexander? ... He won me over. I never thought that he would be the William to do so, lol. Again, he still has some big flaws that weren’t really addressed as much as I wanted, but they improved so much on William. Alexander has a personality, he has clear hobbies and interests, he has a sense of humor. His sad backstory affected him in tangible ways on screen, not just as an excuse for his distant personality. I have to give the actors a lot of credit because they were a huge part of what worked about this season. 

And I like Winterberg. Dare I say it, I ship Winterberg. Who knew? They’re charming on screen together, I get why they like each other other than physical attraction, they had a lot of scenes where they were just hanging out and bonding that gave you a sense of who they were as a couple. And even with the things that bugged me, I did feel like I wanted them together at the end - I felt like they did bring out some very positive aspects of each other, they understood each other, and that their relationship would continue to improve as time went on.

I love that they mixed the Yakuza fight and Niko plots together, which made the season feel more streamlined and tight. I loved that the talk between Amira and Mia about Alexander fixed a lot of what bothered me about the original scene. I loved the development of Mia and Kiki’s relationship. And there were also just a lot of small things I loved, character moments, humorous beats. I loved the casual talk about therapy. I loved that the Druck crew obviously listened to feedback from the first season. I loved that they stepped up their social media game. I’m just really impressed with this season.

I am not German so feel free to clarify or correct me on cultural stuff and translations.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #215

i’m not dead yet, just not into surveys very much lately.

What is your favorite dinosaur? Spinosaurus. <3 Would you rather live with wolves or tigers? Hypothetically, if I wouldn't be harmed, wolves. I love social species. Have you ever forgotten what a certain kind of pain felt like? Getting my nose re-pierced like fuck man. What do you remember the most about your childhood? I think the strongest memory is my parents not getting along. Or the stories I made playing with my favorite toys. Would you rather have a pet dinosaur or have mythical creatures be real? Have mythical creatures exist. I want a tame, little dragon. Do you have a favorite toy from childhood still? Astonishingly, no. I was incredibly surprised to find out I got rid of them at some point when I wanted to add the crocodile to my room as a cute decoration and memory. What are your thoughts on the end of the world? *shrug* Not like we can do anything about it, unless you count our own carelessness as a selfish species, but that won't actually end the "world," just mankind. Which sports do you enjoy watching? Dance. Would you ever have a breed of dog that is considered aggressive? I don't want another dog, but hypothetically, yes, because no species is inherently mean. It all depends on how the owner raises it. Have you ever made bread? No. Would your childhood self be disappointed? FUCK YES SHE WOULD BE. God, the thought is depressing. Has anything ever fallen asleep on you? Animals and my niece. Would you like to live in a realm where the zombie apocalypse is possible? Is it too far into imagination to say it's possible in the one we're already in? You have zombie viruses in things like bugs, so in time, something developing that can affect humans isn't out of the question. But anyway, anyone who answers "yes" to this, as in they'd like it, are full of shit. Most of us would die in a heartbeat. You'd witness others that you love die. Every day you question if you'll see the next. The zombie apocalypse has been so romanticized in many forms of media, but please, tell me you'll still be having fun when you watch your mother be eaten or some shit. Have you ever gotten into an accident with you parents’ car? No. What’s the wallpaper on your computer? A meerkat pup looking close up to the camera. What was the most difficult decision you’ve ever had to make? Deciding Jason couldn't be my entire world anymore and I had to let go. Name a band/artist you like that isn’t that popular. There's a YouTube artist named Jonathan Young that I MARVEL over the fact he's not signed with someone. My mom didn't even believe he wasn't professional the first time I played some songs in the car. Can you lift your significant other (your best friend if you’re single)? I'm certain I could. What is the first vehicle you recall your parents/guardians owning? A greenish-blue van. What was the most rebellious thing you’ve ever done? I don't know. I'm not really that rebellious. Pick one: Laundry, Dishes, or Vacuuming? I actually don't mind vacuuming. Have you ever moved and had to change schools growing up? No. Name the most meaningful thing a non-relative has done for you. When my former best friend let me live with her while we were homeless. Memories like that sometimes make me question my decision to cut her off permanently... though I remind myself the bad outweighed the good and our relationship was just never going to be stable. The highway and back roads take you to the same place; Choose your route. Depends on what's quicker to save gas. Are you more likely to give up or persist when you’re having trouble? It depends on the situation. Tbh I think I give up more often. Do you resemble one parent more than the other? I don't think so. Your best friend needs a kidney to survive; Do you give them one of yours? That's my girlfriend. So duh. Name a big life event that has taken place for you within the last 2 years. I physically met Sara. Do you end up regretting things you say often? I don't know about often. Name one thing you look forward to as you get older. Hopefully being financially stable. Do you use your hands when you talk to emphasize what you are saying? Yeah. You own a huge business; what is it? I can't even imagine myself owning a "huge" business. Are you afraid to ask for help when you know that you need it? Sometimes. Depends on who I'm asking. Name somebody you think died before their time. A LOT OF PEOPLE. I think above all of my options, Steve Irwin. Fucking saint, teacher, and pilot of conservation and loving our fellow animals. Name the possession you’ve had the longest. I have a lot of infancy stuffed animals up in the attic. You’re writing a novel; Is it horror, mystery, romance, etc.? Fantasy. Would you consider yourself an interesting person in general? I guess. I know I'm at least different. Have you ever gotten in trouble for running up your phone bill? No. When is the next time you’ll change your hairstyle? Will you color it? I don't plan on changing the style any time soon. Hopefully at some point soon I can get to the damn hair salon and get it dyed lilac, though. But it'll be expensive for a pro to do it (I'm very much so done with anyone less trying to do so, as it always fails), so that's something I don't think will come soon. It's not high on my priorities. Who was the last person to see you cry? Is this person special? I'm sure it was my mom. Probably. Of course she is. What season would you like the world to experience year-round? Autumn. When was the last time you took a picture of something? Was it yourself? Lmao it was of something funny on Facebook that I texted to Sara a few days ago. Are you currently drifting away from anyone? Who is it? No. Would you say you are really close to the members of your family? Most, no. I barely see anyone outside my immediate fam. Is there anyone who lives in the same house as you, that you can’t stand? The stupid dog. Do you remember the first conversation you had with the person you have feelings for? No, but it was likely RP-related. Think of the last person you kissed, when was the first time you talked to them on the phone? She knows I hate talking over the phone, so we use Skype to talk. I think the first time I called her via phone though was when I was having an emotional breakdown. What does your phone do when you get a new message? It makes the sound from Spyro when you pick up gems if it's not on vibrate, and when the screen goes black, a green light blinks. Do you automatically check your phone when you wake up? Yes, for the time. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. Do you party too much? I never did. Who were you last on the phone with? I answered a number I didn't recognize, and it wound up being some bullshit about my car warranty or something when I don't even have a car. I just hung up the moment I knew what it was. Last movie you watched? The Lion King live action remake. Incredible. If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Fuck, I want collarbone dermals so badly. Do you like holding hands? With Sara. Have you ever seen the last person you texted naked? Yes. What are you listening to? "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" by Manson is on rn. Do your parents allow you to date? I'm 23. They never really restricted me from it. Then again, I started dating in the 7th grade, so I was older than most first couples. Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad? Yes. Would you rather have long or short hair? I could not be happier than I have short hair now. It's so much easier to manage, and it really did me well chopping it all off considering my bad self-care episodes. I recommend it soooo much to anyone struggling with that. Do you want to have children? Big No. Do you think you’ll have the same boyfriend/girlfriend a year from now? Realistically, yes. How old were you when you stopped sleeping with a nightlight? I don't know. What topic did you write your last essay about? This awful book "Masters of Doom" or whatever I had to read in game design in college, I think. Whose car did you ride in last other than yours? Dad's. What was the last clothing article you purchased? Some pants. Who was the last person that made you cry [accidentally or on purpose]? Probably myself. Is there construction going on in/near your neighborhood? No. Who did you go/plan on going with to prom? I went to Jason's senior prom and he came to mine. What language[s] did you study in school? Latin for one awful semester, then German for four. I miss German, honestly. Have you ever been to a debate and speech tournament? Hell no, that sounds so boring. Choose two dead celebs who could be your biological parents - explain why? Steve Irwin for my incredible love of animals and uh... I'm not sure about a mom? I thought about this for like two minutes and really don't know lmao. If you were living in the past, which job that doesn’t exist anymore would you like to have? No idea. Which animal are you afraid of? Most afraid of, probably some spiders, like huntsmen spiders. I'm afraid of most spiders in general (if they're near me or in my house, anyway), I cannot stand maggots and larvae of that sort, and whale sharks freak me out. AND WASPS. FUCK WASPS. How would your wedding bouquet look like? *shrugs* It would probably depend on the wedding theme. What kind of game would you like to play that doesn’t exist yet? I can't even swallow how unbelievable Shadow of the Colossus would be in VR. What is one thing you would never ever eat? Escargot. Is there a music video that you would like to see turned into a movie or a TV show? Which one? *shrugs* Which character in your favorite movie do you hate the most? It's impossible to hate any from TLK. How do you think the world will end? A meteor striking, or a deadly volcano going boom. Either way, it's gonna be smoke shrouding the sun. Do you own anything clown related? No. If you were a celebrity - which celebs you would befriend? Y'all done know one, but I think the celeb I would connect to most and most easily befriend would be Shane Dawson. He is such a goddamn sweetheart, chill as fuck, and #relatable. There's really a lot... All YT-related lmao. Except Bindi Irwin. Damn, would I love to meet her. If you were going to make a horror movie that you would be scared of yourself, what would it be about/how would it look like? I can't handle those movies about women being raped and impregnated by a demon and shit. I can't. Fuck The Rite. If you could take a pill that would cure something in you that isn’t an illness - what would you be cured off? How ungodly shy and awkward I am. Ew. Do you like Rihanna? I don't know most of her music, but I don't enjoy most pop, so. Have you ever experienced hydroplaning? Not severely, anyway, and not while I was driving. What’s your opinion on the legalization of weed? Legalize it medicinally. What’s your current favorite song? Man idk. Have you ever hit a girl? I hit my sister once as a kid. What was your New Year's resolution? I don't make them. Do you find Eminem attractive? Not particularly. Are you wearing nail polish? I never do. Have you ever been/considered being vegetarian? I was for a couple months and definitely plan on going back to it once I get to the weight I want... if that ever fucking happens. What’s the last concert you went to? Alice Cooper. Do you own a cat? Yes. :') He's my best buddy. Do you like cats? I love cats. Do you like watching music videos? No. How are your grades? I'm not back in school yet. But SOON. Do you listen to Aerosmith? YO "Love In An Elevator" just finished on my iTunes. I love them. Have you climbed a tree in the past month? I never have. Were you ugly in middle school? Jfc save that child. What’s your type? CHARISMATIC. Stand out, man, and be proud of it. Having a smart head isimportant, too. Having a loving heart. Have a good sense of humor. Don't judge. Do you sleep with one of those mask things on your face? No. Have you ever straightened your hair? Yes. What kind of calculator do you use? The one on my phone or laptop. Have you ever seriously tried to count the stars? Lol no. Did you see the lunar eclipse? I'm guessing you're talking about the biggie from early this year? Yes. It was incredible. Do you have a bank account? No. Did you go on vacation last summer? What's a "vacation?" Where to? N/A Have you ever been in a choir? At church as a kid as well as elementary school. Are you happy with your looks? No. Have you ever gone streaking? You couldn't have paid me to do so even when I was in great shape. Are any of your siblings married? Yes. Were you in the wedding party? Yes. Have you ever seen a ghost? I've sure as hell seen something. Do you even believe in ghosts? I absolutely do. Have you ever had an eating disorder? Thank God no. What big corporation(s) do you support, particularly because you like what they stand for (many vegan items, donate large amount of money to charities, pay their workers a living wage, etc)? I'm really not educated on the morals behind most businesses. Oh, I do know Jeffree Star's products are entirely vegan and cruelty-free though, so his company definitely is one. If you wear foundation or have in the past, what type of applicator do you use (beauty sponge, foundation brush, fingers, etc)? Is there a type of applicator that doesn’t work for you? I've always just used my hands because we don't have anything else for foundation, I think. For those of you that do listen/watch ASMR videos, what are your favorite “triggers”? If you don’t watch ASMR, what are your thoughts on the whole phenomenon that seemed to happen the past couple years over it? I don't listen to it, but I don't care if others do. It doesn't do anything for me. I personally find the talking ones super uncomfortable, but if someone likes that, whatever. Are there any true crime cases that bother you immensely because of the story or verdict of the court case (ex. OJ Simpson)? I know there're some I've seen on Facebook and such. Do you use store loyalty programs? If you don’t use them, what is your reasoning behind that? What store loyalty programs do you feel offer the best incentives, regardless if you aren’t a member of them? I think I am for Hot Topic? I know I have a card for there. I think Sam's Club is a great place to have membership; that place has some damn deals. Mom used to be one, as well as an employee, and that shit was great. When it comes to skincare, what product could you not go without over the other ones? Where are you most likely to shop for your skincare needs? I could go without any, save of course for a wet washcloth. If I get something for skincare, it's just gonna be at Wal-Mart. Regardless if you aren’t someone who hoards or keeps stuff for a long time, what is one (type of) item that you have a hard time getting rid of? STUFFED ANIMALS. FUCKING CHRIST. If you eat meat, what is at least one vegan item (not necessarily a banana) that you like or would like trying (such as trying a soy ham substitute)? If you don’t eat meat, what is one meat item that you like and understand why people eat it? I have no idea. Being vegan just sounds... gah. I couldn't imagine. Major respect for vegans, man. What is a food that is always better homemade? How about a food that is always better at a restaurant? I don't know about the homemade one. Maybe like... cobblers? Meanwhile, steaks tend to be better at restaurants, I've found. If you watched teen dramas growing up (such as 90210 or One Tree Hill), which one was your favorite or you liked the best? If you watched family sitcoms growing up (such as Full House or The Fresh Prince), which one was your favorite or liked the best? I'm not sure if I watched teen dramas. For family sitcoms, ummm... I loooooooooooved/still love The Nanny. I like the two mentioned as well. What is a tradition either within your country or family that you feel is not needed or could in fact even be bad (ex. using paper plates for every party, eating hot dogs every weekend during the summer, etc)? Getting drunk as a motherfucker on New Year's Eve. Is there something you said you wouldn’t do, but in the end you did it? Yeah, a few things. Are you originally an American, or are you some other kind of nationality? I'm just American, save for like, if ancestry is involved. Then I originate from Europe. Do you sometimes pretend to do things you don't know how to do? No? What was the last compliment you remember someone gave to you? Who was it? Hm, I don't know. Have you ever had one of those pregnancy scares? When did this take place? Two completely unrealistic ones in high school. Are you someone who puts ranch dressing on everything you eat? No. Have you ever personally been friends with a stripper or prostitute? Not to my knowledge. What, to you, is the best way a guy can smell? Give examples? I personally like gentle colognes. How many times a day, on average, do you think critically about something? Twice or so. Are you someone who speaks their mind, or do you hold it all in? It depends. Where do you work at this moment in time? Does this place have insurance? I don't currently work bc I can't be a functioning adult in a work environment without collapsing into panic attacks. :^) If you have tattoos, which one that you have was the most painful? The inside of my forearm. Are you currently in the process of ‘bettering’ yourself as a person? I'm trying to grow more independent. What is something you tend to not be able to stand in the least bit at all? Anti-LGBT bullshit. OH BOY, or anti-vax insanity. Do not even interact with me if you're a "vaccines cause autism" imbecile. Does it make you angry when people complain an excessive amount around you? If it's over stupid shit or an issue you brought about yourself, then yes. At what age did you actually hit puberty? Was it hard for you to handle? I don't remember, and yes, it was. I remember crying outside the day I got my first period because I realized I wasn't a kid anymore. Are you considered a graceful person or are you more clumsy? I'm the clumsiest fuck you'll meet in your entire life. Have you ever sucked in helium? Did your voice change at all? No. Do you know any girls who have an overly manly voice and features? Girls can't be "overly manly," just as men can't be "overly feminine." Do you play any sports? If so, did you meet new friends that way? I did, and yes. Do people ever make fun of you for something you really can't help? No. Do you have any pets who will bite anyone else out there, besides you? No. Have you ever tried chocolate chip waffles? Are they now your favorite? Yes; no. What company are you signed up for car insurance, if any at all? N/A Are you someone who really likes to cook? What’s your favorite meal? No. Are you the candle lighting type? I prefer incense. Is your ex sexually attractive to you still? If he looks anything like he did, yeah. But I haven't even seen a picture of him in forever. Coffee in the morning, yay or nay? Don't like coffee. Do you ever drink your coffee black? N/A Body waxing, yay or nay? Ow, I would never do it. Honeymoon, where? I'd love the pink beaches of the Bahamas... but fuck Bermuda's Triangle, my conspiracy theory ass ain't going near that shit lmao. The black beach in I think... Scotland or whatever will do. Anal sex, yay or nay? Never tried, never will. The concept just really grosses me out. Has anyone ever written on you? Probably. Have you ever dated a fat person? I'd prefer the term "overweight," but w/e, once or twice depending on if you count one relationship as "dating." How many foreign friends do you have? In which countries do they live? Quite a few, having been on the Internet so long... I've got some in Europe and one in Australia. How long have you known the oldest friend you have? "Old" as in who I've had the longest? Since I was ten, I think. If you include my "real" friends. What’s the most interesting story you’ve never told anybody? Good question. When’s the last time you went to a bookstore? What did you buy? Last year when we were threatened by a really bad hurricane. I got The Fault In Our Stars and only read like... ten pages lmao. It wasn't because the book was bad, I just don't read anymore. What’s the most complicated meal you’ve cooked? Hunty I can't cook. I've cooked scrambled eggs and spaghetti like once lmao. What is truly attractive to you? Wisdom, for one. Have you ever come up with your own game? As a kid, yeah. What is something you value a lot in your life? The fact I have my mom in my life hit me first. I. Don't know where the fuck I'd be in life right now if my mom wasn't here with me. Whose hand did you hold last? Sara's. What was the last thing you planted? Oh boy, I have no idea. Oh wait, years ago I grew habaneros only to find out non-pickled ones are fucking gross. What or who was the last thing you gossiped about? I have no clue. I don't really do that. Did anything exciting happen just before you went to sleep last night? Well, my cat literally peed on Mom. That was "exciting." When’s the last time you helped a senior citizen somehow? I don't know. What’s the most selfless act you have done? Man, a lot of "I don't know" in this one. You see a spider web in the corner of your room. What do you do? I'm finding that guy or moving. Have you ever intentionally fed a house spider? No. How do you like your favorite beverage? Cold. What’s your big family secret? We don't have one. Do you answer the phones at your work? I don't have a job. Have you ever given up on someone and then went back to them? Many, many times with my former best friend. Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night? I do every single night, and it sucks ass. What shows do you watch? None. Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I don't know. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yeah. When’s the last time you had a headache? I think I had a mild one a few days ago? I don't remember. My days are sooo blurred together. Do you know anyone who has been arrested? Yes. Think back to the last person you kissed, how many times have you laughed with them? A whole lot. Have you ever suspected anyone of cheating of on you? Yeah, because of his ex and a believable lie. It was ultimately a good thing that that was what immediately turned me away though, as I don't want to imagine how a long-term relationship with him would've gone, honestly. Who was the last person you kissed? Sara. Do you still talk to the person who hurt you the most in life? No. Who’s the last person you sent a friend request to? I've no clue. I don't really send requests because I don't know more friends on there. Is anyone in your family a criminal? Not by blood. Who was the last person you told to shut up? I don't recall; I don't tell people to shut up, generally. I haven't had a confrontation in a long time, besides the occasional arguments with my mom, and I wouldn't tell her to shut up. What was the last thing you lied to your mother about? I don't remember. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No. Name a song that reminds you of a past relationship: I could name 50 that remind me of Jason and myself if I cared enough to. Do you think anyone hates you? One person probably does, at least. What do you think your last ex would say about you? I don't know, but probably something nice. He's my closest friend irl. Do you still talk to the first person you fell in love with? No. Do you still want the last person that hurt you to have a happy life? Yeah. Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers? No. I, along with like every girl in class, found a former band teacher attractive, but I definitely didn't have an actual crush on the dude. Thank God considering he was eventually fired for relations with a student. Why did your last relationship end? I learned I didn't like him romantically, and also because I discovered I liked Sara instead. How long did it take you to get over your last heartbreak? A year and a half. And that's just when I started moving on. Do you know anyone that looks up to you? I doubt it. Which one of your friends is always serious? I don't think any qualify for that. Are there any people in your life that you wish you never met? Yeah. Do people think you’re a bad person? Probably someone. Do they also think that you’re a slut? I don't see how a single person could think that. Are you with the last person you kissed? Yes. Have you ever been punched? No. How many people do you know that have been to jail? Multiple. Three off the very top of my head. Do you know anyone that sells drugs? I don't think so? Do you know anyone that does drugs? Yes. Do you care about what’s happening in other countries? Well yeah. I care about the world being a good, safe place. Do you think you have a pretty good reputation? I guess, at least as far as being a decent person goes. Meanwhile, I'm sure my rep as being a proper adult and such is shit. Where do you see yourself in 25 years? I don't want to think of that. You’re at a bar, you witness a man drugging some girls drink. What do you do? I'm not even REMOTELY kidding, I'm knocking the fucker OUT, calling the cops, and of course telling the girl. Fuck that guy getting out of that without a black eye. Who is more attractive, someone who is edgy or preppy? I could never, ever be attracted to a preppy person, so guess. I wouldn't want an excessively edgy person either, but I'm NOT into the preppy jazz. Short term dating, or long relationship? I've always been about long-term relationships. Kids? How many? Why? Names? Boy or girl? *Bugs Bunny "no" meme* Ever play that game MASHO?? "I’ve played MASH. I don’t know if MASHO is similar or something different entirely." <<< Same. A sad child, skinny and underfed, approaches you. What do you do? Obviously ask them what's up if they approach me, and from there, it would depend on what they tell me. I'd most likely call the cops first about a child like that because I wouldn't know the appropriate place to actually call; if the kid is underfed to an obvious degree, odds are I shouldn't find their parents first. I'd think it wiser to get some kind of officer to do so and determine if that child should even be with those people for their own good. What happens after death? I hope some kind of peace, but who really knows. Would you cheat on your BF/GF if you knew they would never know? No??????? Because I would know?????????????? And I have a conscience???????????????????????? Do you think there will ever be peace on earth? Why or why not? No. People as a whole can't get along and too many find violence to be the ultimate solution to big problems. Favorite childhood story growing up? I remember I particularly liked Stellaluna because of the drawings, and I enjoyed the actual story of Chrysanthemum. Worst way to die? Why? Some form of slow torture, I'm sure. Because if you've gotta die, make it quick. And humane. What were you in school? Jock, nerd, prep etc… I was recognized as an emo/metalhead thing. Did you ever eat playdoh at a child? I don't think so. Your dreams tend to be? As of the late, violent, at least those that I remember... I wake up attacking the air a lot. Describe your aesthetic? A quiet pastel bunny and a furious but awkward gothic demon are aggressively fucking 24/7 while trying to decide who's top and who's bottom. Do you believe in the afterlife? I believe in something. What book have you re-read so many times that the cover is completely worn? None. Are you a morning person or a night person? I'm in a brighter mood in the morning. Who do you most admire? There're multiple people I look up to for different things. But as for most, yeah, probably Mark. What is your favorite thrift/antique shop find? I love this shipwreck lamp that I have. What is the most incredible place in nature you’ve visited? The mountains. What is your greatest achievement? Still being alive lmao. Is something expensive better than something made with love? Almost never. What do you think of stealing? Uh, don't do it??????? If you could be told when you were going to die, would you want to know? NO. What would you do in case of the zombie apocalypse? Die very early on lmao. Okay but realistically, I'd want to climb somewhere. I'm going to assume a zombie can't figure out ladders 'n shit. What have you learned from pain? You yourself play a big part in making things better. Are you more worried about doing things right or doing the right thing? Doing the right thing. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? Eat biscuits like a fucking caveman by separating parts and eating each individually lol. Would you ever adopt a child? If I actually wanted a kid, yeah. If you could make anything glow in the dark, what would it be? *shrugs* Could you ever picture someone writing a biography about you? Hell no, my life's uneventful as could be.

[cavaliant]

Do you have any modern AU headcanons? What's your muse's job? What's their living situation like? Do they have any family or friends? (Any muse!)

//This was unexpected, but thank you for asking! I do have a vague outline of everyone’s modern occupations here, (with extra details about Jamke here–the two jobs he works are probably just entry-level ones like cashier or sales associate).

Here I guess I’ll talk about Reinhardt because he has the most developed modernverse in my head? This got a LOT longer than I intended so I’m gonna divide it into sections…I guess it was just the trigger for a flood of hcs I just needed a little push to write lmao. 

(Also as a side note, my talk of schooling is based on the Canadian schooling system because that’s the one I know lol)

Elementary to High School:

Similarly to my canonverse for him, Reinhardt was considered a prodigy from a very young age, and was tutored intensively by his parents who held him to very high standards. He was a straight-A student on honour roll all throughout school (he probably skipped at least one grade). When he went to high school he took the electives his parents pushed for him (think STEM-related things like calculus and physics).

Though Reinhardt performed incredibly well in subjects such as the maths, sciences, and history, and fairly well at English, music, and gym, he had more difficulties with visual and performing arts, which were abandoned anyway in high school at his parents’ discretion. I really wanna say he went through the Asian six pack (3 maths–advanced functions, calculus and vectors, and data management, plus 3 sciences–chemistry, biology, physics) but he’s German in modernverse lmfao.

University:

His parents initially would’ve preferred for him to become a doctor or a lawyer or something, but the subject where he truly shone was physics, and so he ended up going to university to study it, with the end goal of eventually becoming a physics professor (and, in his parents’ minds, publishing papers, teaching at some renowned uni, etc.). Initially I wasn’t sure whether he was a high school teacher or a college/uni prof in this verse, but I decided his parents wouldn’t have settled for anything “less”.

As in high school, Reinhardt was a very diligent uni student, extremely strict about time management, and didn’t really have much of a social life beyond designated club/student organization activities and necessary networking for the future. He finished his Bachelor’s, Masters, and PhD in quite a short amount of time and became a college professor at a fairly young age.

Current Familial Relations:

His parents are quite pleased with him currently, and they still speak, though their relationship still has that underlying distance and detachment it did all his life. They do not, however, speak much (if at all) to Olwen, which is a point of tension between them all.

Reinhardt loves them all and desperately wants to remain close with both his parents and his sister, but they cannot reconcile their views, and he can’t bring himself to pick a side. Thus, while she used to drop by and see him every so often after he moved out, she doesn’t really do so anymore, because things have become rather awkward between them.

(As for the reason for the disagreement, I’d have to talk to an Olwen RPer about that. Though I imagine it has something to do with her not following their expectations for her. I’m not sure if they’d go as far as disowning her, but they’d certainly be pretty frigid towards her and she probably spends most of her time crashing at friends’ places?)

Living Situation and Friends:

Reinhardt currently lives alone in a condo with one bedroom (for him) and a guest room. His parents helped him acquire the place as a ‘congrats for getting a good job’ gift (though really, you could argue that this was just another instance of them controlling his life). 

He teaches physics at the same college where Linus works, Linus being a security guard who likes to barge into his classroom to bother him (which sometimes also causes Fergus to barge in to bother Linus). Reinhardt’s TA is Reyson, a vocal performance major who for some reason decided his class needed a babysitter and is now TA-ing for a completely unrelated subject. Kaden is a peppy guy who tries to get him to get out more.

Personality/Mental State:

In terms of his mental state, he isn’t passively suicidal in this verse, nor is his self-worth quite so low, but he still doesn’t really have an understanding of his own desires or sense of purpose. He likes physics because it is rational and helps to explain the world around him, but if you forced him to self-reflect he wouldn’t know whether that’s his own genuine like of it or a result of his parents’ conditioning of him. He doesn’t really know what he wants out of his own life, but he doesn’t think about things like that unless something forces him.

He’s a naturally serious and hardworking person, but his extremely workaholic nature and need to be productive/useful is a result of his upbringing. As in his canonverse, polite social interactions are fine for him, but more casual or friendly interactions have him somewhat awkward, as he really doesn’t do much outside of work unless his friends drag him.

Romance:

It isn’t really something he thinks about, and he currently considers himself devoted entirely to his work. He has declined a few requests in the past with the excuse of needing to focus on his studies/research/etc., though as he grows older his parents have been dropping more unsubtle hints that they’d like grandchildren someday.

It isn’t that he’s completely uninterested in having a relationship, it’s just that he would need to be very close to someone already (and they would need to initiate it) for that to even be an option on the table.

However, as a silly side note, both his students and Linus’ fellow security guards have bets (some jokingly, some for real) on the supposed “love triangle” going on between Linus, the guy he loves to bug a lot (Reinhardt), and the guy who loves to bug him a lot (Fergus) ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[gamerwoo]

Chan: Cure

anonymous asked: could you do a super soft hanahaki au with either bang chan from stray kids (i saw that you like them) or jungwoo from nct

Characters: Chan x reader

Genre/warnings: hanahaki au, non idol au, a little bit of angst (because it is a hanahaki story) but still lots of fluff, and not a lot of dialogue

Word count: 2,228

Summary: Chan was in love with a girl that didn’t return his feelings, and as his best friend, you wanted to help him through it. But his options were either to make her fall in love with him, make him fall out of love with her, or for him to get the disease removed, and he was dead set on avoiding the latter.

There were a lot of things that Chan didn’t like. He didn’t like being woken up when he was sleeping. He didn’t like when he passed by a dog on the street and couldn’t pet it. He didn’t like Felix calling him at two in the morning to ask how to cook pasta. He didn’t like when you were always right. He didn’t like when he already poured his cereal, only to realize there was no milk left.

Having hanahaki, he hated.

The coughing burned his lungs, the petals filled his inside uncomfortably, and he was pretty sure he almost choked a few times because a stupid petal had gotten stuck in his throat. But the worst part was the pain he felt in his heart. The bright red was a reminder that the girl he loved didn’t love him back, and that was that.

“If you don’t get it removed, you’ll die.” you always reminded him.

He knew you were right, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He didn’t want to lose the feeling she gave him when he was near her. Even though it hurt, he was always his happiest with her. He refused to get it taken away.

So you’d made him a promise. You would help him get her to fall in love with him, but he only had a month. After that, he had to get the disease removed. You refused to let your best friend die because of some girl, especially some girl that didn’t see him for the amazing person he was.

“This is probably pointless.” you told him on the first day, even though you had come up with the pact. It was only so he’d finally get this thing taken care of. You hated seeing him in pain. “Doesn’t she have a boyfriend?”

The two of you were standing by the bus stop, shivering as it snowed. Thankfully, you were stood under the tiny roof, but it didn’t have any heating to it was almost useless.

“I mean...” Chan trailed off, scratching the back of his head. “Alright, that’s not important. What’s important is that I’m better than him...maybe.”

“Maybe.” you nodded. “Are you nervous?”

“Nervous for surgery.” he decided. “Not nervous for everything else.”

“Technically, there’s no guarantee you’ll need surgery.”

Chan sighed at how you were suddenly flip-flopping stances. “Which side are you on, ___?”

“The one where you are alive and not suffering.” you chuckled, judging him with your elbow. “I do want to believe she’ll fall for you, but...if she hasn’t already...”

He looked at you, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. “Why do you want to believe it?”

“Because I think you’re pretty okay.” you teased with a shrug. “Seriously, I see a lot of good qualities in you, and I don’t get how she doesn’t.”

The plan sounded simple but it was complicated. How were you supposed to get a girl to fall in love with him? It’s not like you could stroll up to her and force her to put herself in your shoes; you couldn’t just list off every good thing about Chan and make her suddenly swoon. 

You weren’t even in love with Chan, so how could you get someone else to be?

Over the course of a week, you met with Chan every day. Usually, you saw each other once a week due to busy school schedules, but you managed to clear up most of the days this month to see him and help him. If you didn’t help, the deal was off, and you were worried he would die.

This was much more important than German lessons.

During that week, you and Chan had gone everywhere that he knew she would be. Her and him were pretty good friends, so he knew her schedule. Sure, she wasn’t as close with him as you were, but he was in love with the girl; he knew everything about her.

The first day, you went to the library, where he “bumped into her” and spoke with her. You watched from afar, taking notes on his awkward flirting and helping him improve over the week. Each day you saw her, you noticed he slowly put your notes and corrections to work, and he was improving greatly. You were sure by the end of the month, he’d be so smooth that she couldn’t help but fall for him.

The second week, though, you were getting annoyed. You didn’t know why, but you had slowly started to hate going out to track this girl down. You didn’t notice it until almost the end of the week, but you were grumpy and irritable.

The first half of the week consisted of him practicing his flirting and talking. You were the test dummy, and you tried your best to act like Zoe. Although, there were a few times Chan would interrupt to tell you that he felt like he was flirting with you and not her.

You enjoyed spending all this time with Chan, even if he did have to fake-flirt with you. It was awkward at first, but you both soon found yourselves laughing at and with each other.

But now he had to put those skills to the test, so you were waiting at the coffee shop for her to show up for her Thursday afternoon latte.

“What’s even her name?” you asked with a huff, your fingertips drumming against the tabletop.

“Zoe.” he replied, her name falling from his lips like he was caressing it lovingly.

You rolled your eyes before bitterly sipping your coffee. When she finally arrived to the cafe, you saw she was hand-in-hand with her boyfriend, and a part of you was...relieved. Chan frowned and stayed put in his chair, leaning his head on your shoulder for comfort.

By the third week, you knew more about Chan than you had before. You knew he liked his coffee with three creams and no sugar, that he liked reading but was slow at it which frustrated him, and that he was good at math but bad at his current math class, which you found yourself helping him with. You knew he felt responsible for his neighbor, Felix, who was having trouble adjusting to his new college life, and that the only times he didn’t sleep in until close to noon was when he planned on going with you to go over what he needed to work on to get Zoe to fall in love with him.

What you didn’t realize was that Chan had learned more about you, too. He learned your body naturally woke up around 10am every morning, and you just waited around for him to text or call you when he was awake. He learned that you loved reading, and read faster than anybody else in your literacy class. He knew that despite the fact you acted so loud and confident around him, you were scared you weren’t good enough for your major and you wondered at least twice a day if you should switch.

What you also didn’t realize was that Chan was coughing up petals less and less. Felix noticed, though, and pointed it out during the third week of the deal.

“That’s weird...” he mumbled as he watched only about seven to ten petals fall from the older boy’s mouth when he coughed.

Chan looked up from his hands to his friend in confusion. “What is? This has been happening for months.”

Felix shook his head, watching as Chan dumped the petals in the garbage. “No, not that. They’re significantly less. You used to cough up fistfuls, and now it’s more like...not even enough for a full flower.”

Chan actually hadn’t noticed. He did realize that something else excited him when he woke up every morning and left his dorm to meet up with you, but he figured it was because now he had an excuse to actually buy a coffee every morning instead of using the crappy machine in his dorm.

“What does that mean?” Chan asked quietly before his eyes went wide. “Am I dying? Felix, I’m close to the end!”

“No, dude!” Felix laughed at Chan’s panic, playfully slapping his arm. “If that were the case, you’d be choking on them non stop. I think... I think you’re getting over her, actually.”

When Chan heard that out loud, it made sense. He could just feel it in his heart. The space there for Zoe was significantly smaller. In fact, he used to think about Zoe all the time and now she was just a soft afterthought in the back of his head. He wasn’t waking up and going to sleep thinking about her.

Actually, when he really thought about it, he was waking up and going to sleep thinking about someone else: you.You were the first person he went to see in the morning, and the last person he saw at night. The two of you spent so much time together, that the only thing he did other than go to class and sleep, was talk to you. Even if you weren’t physically together, you were skyping and talking on the phone so you could help him. 

Felix could see the cogs working in Chan’s head, and it made him laugh. “You and I both know why it’s happening.”

Chan nodded slowly, looking at Felix. “I can’t believe it...”

“Well believe it!” Felix grinned. “Let’s just hope you don’t end up with those petals this time.”

The fourth week, while you were still trying to “train” him, you both had dropped the act that you were Zoe and he was talking to Zoe. Instead, he didn’t point out when he thought your act was slipping away. In fact, he liked when you dropped the facade and just spoke and giggled as yourself. It made flirting...easier; more enjoyable. And it made him smile to see that you seemed to like it, too.

The two of you spent more time talking and “practicing” than you did tracking down Zoe to keep up with her schedule. Chan slowly stopped suggesting you go to certain places, and instead, he opted to either stay at his dorm, your dorm, or just sit in a quiet cafe where Zoe wasn’t going to be. He claimed he wanted the practice. You were just happy you didn’t have to see Zoe anymore, because you already knew why you didn’t like her. You wanted Chan to like you.

You had become so preoccupied in talking to Chan and spending time with him that you didn’t notice that the petals had completely disappeared. Chan had been coughing them up for months, yet the cease of them had flown right over your head. You were too caught up in everything else about him to even realize it, until it was already the fifth week.

The end of the deal.

“So...,” Chan began slowly as the two of you sat in his dorm, “it’s the last day.”

“How do you feel?” you asked cautiously.

He chuckled, finding your obliviousness to be adorable. “You know exactly how I feel, because you feel it too.”

Your eyebrows furrowed, not understanding what he meant. “But I don’t have--”

“Neither do I.” he stated, referring to the hanahaki, a smug, toothy grin on his face.

You paused to think about what he was saying. When you thought back over the last few weeks, you realized that he was right. You hardly saw him cough last week, and the rest of this week, you never saw one sliver of red come from his mouth. 

Chan was cured. He wasn’t in love with her anymore.

Your best friend would live.

The smile that took over your face hurt your cheeks but you didn’t care. You tossed your arms around him, throwing yourself across the couch to hug him. “You’re going to be okay!”

“Yes, but there’s more, ___.” he laughed, his hands resting on your back. He didn’t let you pull away. Instead, he held you tighter. “I know how you feel toward me, ___. You’ve never been good at hiding your feelings.”

You froze, not knowing what to do now that you had been called out. How long had Chan known you had feelings for him?

Actually, how long did you even have feelings for him?

He felt your stiffness and rubbed your back, a laugh vibrating in his chest and against yours. “Don’t you get it? You’re the reason I fell out of love with Zoe.”

Your heart sped up, and you were sure he could feel it from the way your body was pressed against his. He laid back, bringing you down with him as he kissed your cheek with his classic smile that reached his eyes.

“I can’t believe you’re that oblivious.” he chuckled.

Instead of looking at him, you hid your face in his shoulder, unable to face him with your cherry red face. “I should’ve let you suffocate.”

“Promise me you won’t let that happen.” he said jokingly, although there was a hint of seriousness in his tone. “You don’t know how uncomfortable hacking up flowers is.”

“I highly doubt it’ll happen again.” you told him, relaxing against his body and preparing for a very lazy and cuddly afternoon now that you knew he was cured and would return your feelings.

[sweetescape01748]

Mimi’s Home Bakery

Kate O’Connor| Review | April 1, 2021

Whether it's cookies, pies, cakes, cupcakes, muffins, brownies...you name it- Mimi can make it. While in the kitchen with Mary Daniels Nahley Jones, or “Mimi”, you would never guess that this lean, energetic, eighty-four year old home baker, has zero professional culinary training. Mimi’s kitchen is not large by any measure, but it has a warm and cozy feel, with its own unique scent of freshly baked cookies whisked from the oven. Whenever we baked with Mimi there seemed to be flour, and mixing bowls all over the counter. However, the ingredients always seemed to be organized in perfect order. Her pantry is also stocked with at least three packages of King Arthur's flour, two large cans of Crisco, several canisters of White Granulated Sugar, and bags of Ghirardelli Chocolate Chips. Also, her refrigerator always holds a jug of homemade, Sweet Tea. However, no visit to Mimi’s kitchen is complete without squirting some of her homemade Simple Syrup in a glass of her Sweet Tea while indulging in her famous brownies. Mimi currently lives in Southport, North Carolina, which has been home to her for more than twenty years. 

Mimi raised three children in Danbury, Connecticut (in order of birth); Sue, Jeffrey, and Ann who now have children of their own. While her children were growing up, Mimi carried on her mother’s tradition of always having freshly baked desserts in the kitchen for the house to munch on. From a young age, Mimi was inspired by her own mother’s baking, and wanted to “follow in her footsteps''. She is now an active grandmother, and according to her grandchildren, the best baker they know. When she’s not baking, Mimi is either golfing, playing tennis, swimming, selling handcrafted baby knick-knacks to a local store, doing yoga, volunteering at church, or simply watching Netflix. However, Mimi’s passion for baking didn’t evolve until she started a family, and needed recipes to make for her household.

(Mimi on Thanksgiving Eve in  2011, holding one of her daughter’s favorites, Banana Cream Pie)

Tell me a little bit about yourself and how you got into baking? 

I grew up in Pawling, New York which is about 65 miles north of New York City.  I lived with my mom, dad, brother, and grandparents. We went to live with my grandparents, because my grandfather was very ill at one point and needed people to take care of him. So I always lived at my grandmother’s house. My mother always had something freshly baked, practically everyday. She was the one who inspired me. She was a wonderful pie maker, a wonderful cake maker, cookies, muffins...You name it. She could do it. My mother’s name was Helen Green Daniels and she was a teacher. She taught elementary school, got married, and of course women back then didn’t work after they got married because nobody would hire them and therefore she always had something whipped up in the evening. My grandmother was such a wonderful baker, and she inspired me as a grown-up to follow in her footsteps. I didn’t grow up with a culinary background, and I didn’t do a lot of baking when I was little, but I certainly watched my mother bake a lot of stuff. When I got married the first time, I certainly wanted recipes, so I got into it more after I got married. And now I try to bake at least once a week. I try to switch up what I make...Every night, I need to have a cupcake, a brownie, a cookie, or something around 8 o’clock at night, which is probably the worst time in the world to eat. 

What was a household favorite dessert that you can recall baking, that your kids loved?

I think my brownies, Chocolate Chip Cookies, and Christmas Cookies were a house favorite. I still make chocolate chip cookies, and I still make brownies, but now, since I’m retired, don’t tell anyone..I use a box. But sometimes I’ll make them from scratch. But I think every one of my kids loved my brownies...The kids also used to like my Whopper cookies. Remember the Whoppers? They’re the cookies where you have to smash the Whopper milk balls.

What is one of YOUR favorite go-to treats to whip up at home? Or for the holidays?

Well, I think for the holidays, Banana Cream pie, Pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cookies, and dessert sauces. I have to keep them [dessert sauces] in the refrigerator at all times. Those include a hot fudge sauce, and a butterscotch sauce. Isn’t that awful?

 What are some skills or tricks that you have learned throughout your at-home baking career?

Definitely get all ingredients together before you start the baking process...Then you always have what you need. I think my favorite part about baking is actually putting all the ingredients together and then of course, the results. I love getting everything together, getting it all measured out, and enjoying the finished product. 

 Out of the wide variety of baked goods, what would you classify as being the most fun to make? And why?

Well I’ll tell you, this is the complete opposite. It’s the Frosty Toffee Bits Pie. It is so fast and easy to make, and people love it. You buy a 9 inch graham cracker crust, then you take a package of cream cheese, sugar, half & half, frozen whipped topping like Cool Whip, and then a package of Toffee bits. I’m telling you Kate, it is absolutely delicious..bad for you, but delicious! I bumped into a couple whom I haven’t seen in awhile, and they go “oh we have that pie under your name in our recipe file. We just got it out and just made it”. 

What has been one of the hardest things you have ever had to bake and why?

I would not have been able to tell you a month ago, but a month ago, I found a recipe for a German Chocolate Cake. A three layered, German Chocolate Cake. Well I’ll tell you, it probably took over three hours to put the damn thing together. Pardon my french. And then the frosting contains coconut..and it’s absolutely delicious! It takes forever to put it together...and it just takes forever because you have to melt the chocolate bar, you have to make half a cup of strong brewed hot coffee, and then aside from the flour, the baking powder, and the sugar, you have to separate the eggs, and then bake it for about twenty eight minutes. But then you have to make the frosting, which requires six egg yolks, two cups of coconut, and then the two cups of pecans are optional. It’s a delicious cake but I think it must have taken almost three hours to put together. It wasn’t even made for a special occasion, just because I wanted to. I found the recipe in Southern Living Magazine and thought, “ooo I gotta make that”. Of course it took forever but when it was done, boy was it spectacular!

Every baker has a weakness, in your opinion, what would you say is your greatest weakness?

I don’t make pies quite as often as I used to, but my one weakness is making a pie crust. It drives me crazy because you have to roll it out, and make sure it’s round..they’re just so much work. Anyways, I don’t make a whole lot of pies anymore. However, per request, I do them for the holidays. 

What are some of your secret go-to ingredients to use as a substitute in a particular recipe?

I don't have any. Usually, if I get a recipe out, I’ve saved it because I like everything in it. If I’m going to use a recipe, you want to follow it pretty closely. Especially when baking, you need to comply with what the recipe tells you. I figure, they know what they’re doing.

Being such a talented baker, have you ever been tempted to open up a bakery or cafe of your own? (why or why not)

No it’s too much work!! I enjoy other things in addition to baking!!

How would you describe a typical day in your life today?

Three days a week, I start my day with Yoga for an hour, I love it.We all wear masks and it’s a great social event.  Then, I do a lot of sewing and knitting because there’s a little shop downtown in Southport where we live, and I sell my stuff there. So I sell my puppets, sweaters for children, blankets, bibs, and mainly things for babies. I have to work inside the shop at least once a month for a whole day. And then I eat out a lot, I attend church a few days a week because I’m on a few committees, so that’s pretty much my life now….*chuckling* 

Which would you say you prefer more, cooking or baking? 

Baking- I think. People love homemade desserts and breads, usually more than their meal. It ends the course the way you want it to end. I think people love desserts. Well-I think everyone loves certain meals but they remember the dessert...it came last, it’s sweet...And I think that’s important. 

I’m dying to know, have you ever made a “boxed” dessert?

Yes, almost always, I don’t make brownies from scratch anymore. I just get the box...Ghirardelli and Betty Crocker are the best, in my opinion...Although baking is much more rewarding when you do it from scratch and oftentimes it even tastes better! 

What sweet treat did you whip up this week?

The other day, I got a recipe for Chocolate, Chocolate Chip Muffins. They are loaded with chocolate, and then you add a bunch of chocolate chips in them. And you got to have a scoop of ice cream with them. So those have been recent creations of mine. 

Mimi’s Famous Brownie recipe:

2 sq . Unsweetened Ghirardelli chocolate (2 oz.) 

1/3 cup shortening

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

3/4 cup flour

1/2 tsp. baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

1/2 cup broken nuts (optional) 

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Melt together chocolate and shortening in the microwave;  beat in sugar & eggs.  Add flour, baking powder & salt.  Mix in nuts.  Spread in well greased 8” square pan & bake until top has dull crust, about 30-35 minutes.  A slight imprint will be left when the top is touched lightly with a finger.  Cool slightly; then cut into squares (16 2” squares).  Enjoy!!

[notconsolation]

So here’s my history. It’s gonna be long, so I fully do not expect anyone to read this, this is as much a record for myself as it is anything else. I fucking pray this read more works. If it doesn’t, happy scrolling, it’s a long one boys

It’s hard to place because my memories of the beginning are quite vague. It became noticeable at the end of the summer of 2012, so I’m guessing  it started in sort of late 2011. So I was 13. It sort of kicked off with orthorexia, but neither I nor anybody in my circle would have known the signs to notice them. It also turned into anorexia pretty early on I think. Or at least I just finally accepted the label after a while. I always hated the word, though. It’s a phonetically horrible word. The german was worse to me, though now I think it’s more accurate. ‘Magersucht’ - ‘gauntness/skinness addiction’ basically. I don’t know- I just started eating things like a salad with no vinegar and no oil once a day, then sort of once every two days and nobody really noticed. I went on an exchange trip to Spain that summer and I hated it because everything was oily and I felt the stains the food left around my mouth and had to fight the urge to wipe away at it constantly. I would try to cut it up and spread the food around the plate to get rid of oil, I’d rub it on my lips on the way to my mouth so that I could wipe it off afterwards rather than take it in. I went vegan I went gluten free I went uh.. food free after a bit basically. My mother noticed in late 2012 because she went away for a week and when she came back she said my clothes hung off me and I’d always been a size xs. Didn’t stop me from doing youtube workout videos from 11pm until 2 every night. God, my tailbone bled onto my sheets sometimes and I’d use that to pretend I was still getting my period. It was obsessive, but in a way that’s very removed to me now, because now I’m obsessive in so many different ways, though partially about the same things.

We spent a long time sort of not doing much except my mother fretting and my father not mentioning it and my sister rolling her eyes at my attention whoring by coercing my organs into imminent failure. We went to a couple of doctors to try to get some kind of diagnosis because I wasn’t strictly denying that there was something wrong, but I wan’t going to take the intiative to get ‘better’ from a situation which I perceived as not normal, sure, but not my responsibility to fix because it wasn’t my mind that told me I wasn’t normal and okay, it was everyone else’s. So if my being deathly thin bothered them, they could do something about it but I wouldn’t. I think that’s more or less what my thought process was. I guess around this time I was hovering around 42-44 kilos. I got so fucking good at figuring out which of my clothes weighed the most so that I could wear them when my mom would weigh me and cry. I knew she wouldn’t want to see my body, so I wore layers of wet clothes under denim and she never asked me to take it off cause she didn’t want to see my bones. In fairness I cried a lot, too. Sometimes I guess we cried about a lot of the same stuff.

My relationship with my ED is, to a large degree, inseparable from my relationship to my mother because for three very formative years in my life we spent every conscious moment aware of how much suffering each was going through, and that empathy magnified the pain and suffering itself. I talk about this in past tense when really I shouldn’t, but it’s easier to pretend now that we live in separate countries. She is the best person and I don’t know.

But anyway, we went to different therapists for a while. None of them did much. We tried this family based approach for a while which was... god i never want to go to family therapy of any kind ever ever ever again. Didn’t help, really. I saw that therapist about a year later when I was walking home from school and she stopped me and said I was looking so good and wasn’t it nice that I was recovering and I was thisclose to spearing her with a pitchfork and telling her that really, as a therapist that specialises in eating disorders she should know better than to assume someone is in recovery because they’ve gained weight before cooking her up like a suckling pig. She was probably objectively nice. But she was such a fucking Karen. Anyway, all this time I was still losing weight. I got up early and drank litres so I’d still weigh the same in the morning, but man. There was a morning when I overslept and I panicked and my mother panicked and we all cried and she wouldn’t give me time to layer up and drink and so - tada - there’s the number blinking up at me and everyone i angry and there’s a lot of snot from my mother and spit from my father, but my body holds on to its fluids because it knows i can’t afford to lose them. anyway, I hate the number 35.8 now forever. I’m not even entirely sure that was my lowest weight but I’ve literally blocked out those memories. I have no access to them whatsoever.

I have no idea how i never fainted. I missed a lot of school. Everyone went so far out of their way to accommodate me. I realise i haven’t been talking about what went on inside me and it’s because it’s like there’s a haze over it all, muffling the whole thing and inserting this sort of dead, lifeless ringing into my ears and before my eyes. I know I was obsessive and that I was aware that I should get better and I agreed that I should get better, but that I would always find ways to make sure I didn’t eat more than 800 calories a day at most. Thereabouts, anyway. I just Don’t Remember so much of it. But yeah. My parents got me a place on a clinic waiting list and I got moved up to have an interview with the Oberfrauärtztinchefincaptainsirmaam and i am so very grateful that she was so very awful. I distinctly remember her telling me i should be strapped to a bed with a needle in my arm and that i shouldnt be thinking and doing school work anymore because intense thinking can burn as many calories an hour as a lumberjack at work. So when a spot opened up at the clinic I was able to beg and cry and beg my parents for one last shot at doing it myself. I have no idea why they let me, I really don’t. By this point one or more of my organs had probably been permanently damaged and it’s a miracle my bones aren’t entirely porous and brittle. I get survivors guilt sometimes because I really do think that, objectively, I shouldn’t be alive. I shouldn’t have made it through that. And I was so difficult about it. I would say I want to recover, and then not do anything to further that. I’d shoot down every suggestion and option and resolutely state that I was different and so, sorry mother mine, but the big fat book you bought with helpful tips and tricks? not gonna help, go away, leave me alone. I guess that was my version of teenage angst: ‘go away, I don’t need help literally staying alive because I’m a different human being from every other human being that’s ever gone through this’.

I do still believe that, in a way. I believe that everyone’s experience of it is different, and the causalities are so muddled that they’re barely discernible, but I was such a bitch about. I mean I still am, 100% but..!.

But I did gain weight back. I was still fucked up inside, but people stopped asking if I was feeling okay and started telling me they were so glad and proud that I was feeling better. Nobody really thought ‘hey, maybe telling this girl constantly and with strong, authoritative voices that she needs to eat eat eat eat eateateateatEAT might fuck her up a bit uwu’. It’s simplistic to blame it on that, though. But yes. I gained about 30 kilos in 2 years and I hated every second of it and my mental state deteriorated pretty steadily and lo, my anorexia became more akin to binge eating disorder. Depression kicks in, identity crises abound, the constant nagging intrusive ideas and noisy background of thoughts never stop, gender dysphoria jumps on the bandwagon for a while, and all manner of those tasty self-destructive tendencies find days of my life to cronch down on and consume whole.

But it always comes back down to food. I’ve made the binge eating section of this so brief because it exhausts me so and because I’m not sure how comprehensible it is as a concept to people. When you say binge eating disorder people sometimes think ‘oh shit man, I get you, I eat waaay to many pizzas AND, christ help me, sometimes I have a whole tub of ice cream by myself i hope god can forgive me hahaha’

BUt, Chad, what you fail to understand is that this is chronic behaviour where I consume sometimes seven or eight thousand calories at once and calculate every single one afterwards and literally worry that my stomach might rupture from the sheer volume of food and also that I’m doing yet more serious long term damage to my body and oh! hey frantic google searches on how diabetes works and if you can get it from repeatedly eating whole jars of nutella! didn’t see you there!

Listen, it’s all been a downer, yeah. By this point I’m assuming I’m speaking exclusively to the future self that I wrote this for as a record of what I remember. But listen. It always comes down to food for me. It just always does. And this whole thing was just sparked by the notion that I would love it if more people were aware that, sure, I deal with it because I have to and because it’s what one does, but if you could just... not bring up food to me unless I bring it up first? that would be great? And i don’t mean questions about my thoughts on it or anything, I just mean specifically for the future prospect of eating. For that very specific thing, if you don’t bring it up I’ll be super grateful because yeah, I’d love to watch a movie with you, but I’d love it even more if I didn’t have to spend an hour thinking of an excuse for not eating popcorn or not wanting to go for drinks afterwards. I think it would be amazing if we could establish a dialogue as a norm.

something like at some point having a conversation with someone along the lines of

‘hey, you know I don’t judge you or expect you to justify your eating habits to me, right?’

‘wait, really?’

‘yeah, that’s your business and I honestly don’t care, so you can stop stressing about it’

This has been an ED chat with Hannah

[newtreefarm]

Page 2

We moved to California the summer before my fifth grade year. That transition was rough. First, we went from a bigger two story house on a half-acre lot to a small rental with a smaller concrete back yard. Culture shock was brutal.

We moved to the Bay Area. The rental in Livermore for a year and then we bought a better house in Dublin. My parents started us out right away in a Christian school. They knew California public schools were not an option. Mom got a job teaching at our school the second year & that helped the finances of it all.

My brother and my lives changed. We grew up in small-town Michigan. My main worries were what Strawberry Shortcake dolls I would play with on the playground each day. There were some bumps in the road, but it was mainly good. After the move, school life was foreign. I went from playing with toys at recess to kids worrying about Guess jeans and British Knights shoes. I don't remember worrying a lot about clothes before. We always shopped at a consignment shop in Michigan & I was happy with the things we found there. In California, you were nobody if you weren't dressed just so. Since we were middle class, I became a nobody pretty quick. My parents couldn't (and wouldn't even if they could) pay $60-$75 for a pair of jeans. Plus, I was in the awkward chubby phase & couldn't find the right size anyway. When we first moved, I was still normal sized, just taller and in my pre-everything chub. That didn't help in California.

In fact, that led to my first experience of abuse outside of the home. My P.E. teacher. She believed in conformity and also in public shame. If I was unable to do the former, she resorted to the latter. I was a very shy and compliant child & never thought of defending myself. I would just let the tears stream down my face as I took my punishment for not finishing my laps fast enough. I told mom about it (dad was rarely home & wouldn't intervene even if he could) and she agreed it was wrong, but she had so much going on with my dad, and the fact that this person was her coworker muddied things a bit, that she just felt like she couldn't do anything. So, I delt with that teacher until I went to high school. It got worse, but it became normal to me.

Things changed at home too. In Michigan, my dad was grumpy and gone a lot. We, apparently, had been shielded. In California & in close quarters, the shields weren't possible so they didn't exist. I became aware of abuse there too. My dad was verbally abusive to my mom. It shocked me and I spent a lot of time crying in my room. The only bright spot was that by then my dad was a workaholic and wasn't home as much as he could have been.

My great-grandpa was a drunk. People used to bring him home from the bar and drop him on his front porch. He wasn't a nice drunk. He was a rager. He taught my grandma everything he knew. She never drank though. She was what they call a dry drunk. She was a rager---severe anger management issues. She, in turn, taught my dad everything she knew. Once he started working seven days a week and decided that if he was going to get anywhere in life he'd have to do it himself, thereby excluding God, what was passed down to him took hold. The grumpiness I saw in Michigan had been him trying to control himself in front of his kids, and him beginning to push God out of his life. In California, he stopped controlling himself (except in front of my brother) and continued pushing God away. Talk about culture shock.

Somehow amidst all this, the Lord walked all of us through. We developed friendships. We drew closer to each other and closer to the Lord. He was our comfort through it all.

The summer after my freshman year we moved to LA county. My brother moved to college about 30 min away that fall and things changed again. By then I looked like an adult, so when my brother moved to the dorms, my dad turned to verbally abusing me too. Looking like an adult stirred up his mother issues and he went back and forth between treating me like a daughter and abusing me. I used to pray that he'd hit me. The church back then didn't see verbal abuse as real abuse. They used to say, "at least he doesn't hit you." So I would pray that he would just so we could get some help. He never did hit us physically.

I'm leaving out many details on purpose. The next five years were some of the best and some if the worst of my life. The best came at school. I found good friends there and excelled. Although, dad threatened to put me in public school for my senior year, the superintendant of my school found a scholarship for me so I could stay there for free. I am so grateful for that wonderful man. I went to a community college for the first two years and then was able to move out when I transferred to a university two hours away. Far enough to have to live on campus, yet close enough to come home for the weekend if I wanted to.

By the time I transferred, I was heavily depressed and had put on a lot of weight. My weight fluctuated with depression and my dad. The year before we moved south, my dad took the new job and commuted home only on the weekends. He wanted my brother to finish his senior year at our school. That year, I lost a lot of weight. I actually got skinny. I am 5'8" and have a german build. Not brauny but also not petite. That year I looked really good, although I still felt fat inside. I was able to keep most of the weight off until community college. The first year, I met a guy in choir (a redhead) & we liked each other. He was about my height & in the thick of the best musical performance groups there. Apparently someone commented to him that I wasn't small & he forwarded the information to me. After that, he just stopped talking to me. I was crushed. I wasn't big at all. In fact, in hindsight I was beautiful. However, I still felt like the fat girl who wasn't good enough. So when that happened, I spiraled. Also, around that time, my uncle (dad's brother) who lived with us decided that he too needed to lay into me verbally. Depression hit & the weight started creeping back. By the time I moved away I was pretty big.

At college, I started getting counseling and started walking on a hiking trail along the beach with my roommates. I didn't have a car, so I also joined the bicycle culture there. During summer project, I walked up a huge hill to the lighthouse a lot. Almost every day. By the end of the summer I lost a lot of the weight. I looked really good when I went back the next year. And, through counseling, I felt good in my own skin.

The next two years (yes, I was on the five-year plan because of all the emotional issues and healing and counseling) were the best of my life at that point. I came into my own. I "found myself." Better yet, through Crusade I had discovered what I had been searching for in my walk with the Lord. The personal relationship. I had known my whole life that something was missing but I didn't know what it was. Crusade taught me what it was. However, it would be years yet before I would figure out how to have one. But, I grew in my knowledge and experience with Him and my faith was as strong as it had ever been.

After graduation I moved home and got a job at a department store. My degree is in psychology, so I need a master's degree in order to do something formally with it. The Lord has never led me to go beyond my bachelor's degree. I've toyed with the idea & even tried once, but it never fit me. I'm capable, just not called to it.

Well, by the end of the summer the store changed how they did things and wanted all their sales force to sell credit cards to cuatomers. It got to the point where even if our sales were good, if our new credit card accounts were low, we were still frowned upon. I didn't like that. I liked helping the women in my department find clothes that made them feel good about themselves. The Lord gave me favor, so even my introverted self did well in sales. That was enough for me. But, it wouldn't last long, so I began looking for something else.

I found a job at my former high school as a full-time floating substitute. A week before classes, I was also given the job of teaching two sections of pre-chemistry/pre-physics. I was acceptable yet did my best, and the next year was hired as a teacher. I taught the two pre-chem/pre-physics classes as well as psychology, sociology, and seventh grade math. I was so excited.

At home things had sped into high gear. Things were decent when I graduated, but something happened soon afterward and my dad really deteriorated. The more internally tormented he became, the more torturous he was to us. I had had enough & determined that whether I could afford it or not I needed to move out. I hated to leave mom with him by herself, but I couldn't handle it and wouldn't put myself through abuse like that anymore.

About a week or so later, dad died. Well, he committed suicide one night while mom and I were asleep. He left behind papers filled with his last, best dose of verbal venom. That day became the first real point of delineation in my life. From then on my life consisted of the before and the after. My life shattered. I was in pieces. I became afraid of the dark. I had to sleep touching my Bible. I went into emotional shock and it was a long time before I found an anti-depressant that actually helped. I was barely functional by the time school started that fall. I only lasted half of the year. I had a panic attack between semesters & just couldn't go back. I ended up taking about a month off of everything before I tried to find another job.

Needless to say, I did not move out. I stayed with mom to help her. She had just gotten her PhD and had gotten a job at a university three or four days before he died. She needed more help than me, understandably. But, she's really good at compartmentalizing (I am not), so she was more functional in her job than I was there at first. In the rest of life we were trying to pick up the pieces & at least put them in the same place so He could put us back together someday.

One thing that experience did was it taught me my first level of blind faith in the Lord. I had to trust that He would heal me or I wouldn't have made it through. The Bible and hymns were a comfort. I would read through the hymnal. Those lyrics are wonderful. Strong, gentle, uplifting, strengthening, comforting. God was truly my salvation after dad died. He was faithful and true and still is today.

If you are or know someone going through the aftermath of suicide please know there is hope. It does get better. You need to know that it is NOT your fault and you could not have prevented it. It is horrible and painful, but it will not always be like this. You may never really get over it, but you will get THROUGH it. The Lord will get you through. He won't let it ruin your life. Take heart and take it day by day, or minute by minute sometimes. Lean on the Lord. He can handle it. He loves you and He wants to help. You can be mad but please don't push Him away. Run to Him & hide in Him until you're ready to come out again. He'll take care of you.