#but this bullshit has been eating me the fuck up and I need to vent

[muggle-born-princess]

Reblog if you're LGBT and are against MAPS/Child Groomers

[queervegancryptid]

I don't even know why I'm bothering to try to get better anymore.

I mean, really, it's hard enough to be in active anorexia relapse, when recovery is already hard to convince yourself to want. But when insurance makes it impossible to get care, it's like... before I started looking for help, I was starving. Now I feel like all I've done is add an extra layer of frustration, and if anything, the restricting has gotten worse, not better.

You start to feel like you might as well just keep starving and stop fighting it, because if your only alternative is to be starving AND throwing yourself against a brick wall trying to get treatment... I mean, am I wrong?

I don't want to die, but really, it starts to feel like I don't matter at all. If I don't matter at all, why should I bother trying to recover? Again? And it is the umpteenth fucking time. And it gets even more exhausting and scary every time it happens. For the first time, if things continue this way, I might be at risk for refeeding syndrome, and my stomach is healing from an ulcer, and I have an electrolyte imbalance, so purging could literally be deadly for me right now. (They wouldn't cover the prescription for the electrolyte imbalance, either, btw. Despite it being FUCKING DOCUMENTED BY REPEATED LABS.)

But UHC says I need to prove that treatment is "medically necessary." Fuck that. I can count on one hand the number of actual meals I've eaten in the last month, I agonize over every fucking bite, and my BMI is literally the lowest it's ever been. But maybe treatment isn't "medically necessary."

Fuck that. Anyway, I'm not giving up, just venting. But I'll say this: I am done with UHC. Fucking over it. They've been borderline useless to me aside from paying for prescriptions, but they also haven't been reliable there, either. And now that I actually need help urgently for a problem that COULD ACTUALLY KILL ME, their being damn near useless just became a liability.

Really, it's my fault for not severing ties with them a long time ago. Especially after they SWITCHED MY PLAN WITHOUT ANY NOTICE at the start of the year. They said they sent a letter, which I never received, and the member services page where I log in had a link about plan changes, but it had nothing about that. I feel like that's called fraud, but idk.

If I can come back from this, I'm going to find a way to help other people going through this bullshit with the US healthcare system. This is not okay.

Oh, and I spent the last several months watching my cat slowly die. My partner and I basically were doing kitty hospice at home since late December or early January. Snippet, our kitty, died of bladder cancer just over two weeks ago. It was fucking brutal. I didn't know anything could hurt that much.

The stress from that made me not feel like eating, which made me start to lose weight, and the whole situation was so thoroughly miserable, I couldn't stop myself from grabbing hold of that feeling, because it was the only thing that seemed to be going right. Right now, it's the only thing that makes me feel good about myself.

I don't even actually want to give it up for myself. I just hate to put my partner through it. I knew I was in trouble when I started thinking about weighing myself regularly again. "Just to see," my brain says.

Fuck all of this. Where did my life go?

[rui-drawsbox]

Hi, it’s me again *blows up several buildings and kills eighty seven bystanders with my sheer aura*

I figured out more stuff for my gay little episode outlines, so anyways, here’s the outline for episode two of my horrifying little plot idea for your Magical Knight Arashi au:

K, so after the bullshit Arashi dealt with she deserves a break, too bad, anyways the sword turned into an aesthetic looking makeup brush when she detransformed. Me thinks, she deserves a transformation item.

Anyways she a student so it’s education time, and by that I mean school + drama

she and Mika talk again, it’s fairly normal, he’s still a weird little man pretending to be a tsundere but he does ask if she liked the bear charm he gave her, she fucking loves it btw cuz it’s adorable. (Little standoffish man ain’t used to interacting with normal people, living with Shu does that to you ig 😔)

Mika, being the self sabotaging king that he is, asks if she has anyone better to talk to. Arashi is of course like “no” but with a tone that clearly means to indicate “are you ok?” But Mika doesn’t get that. So Arashi talk about her friends to him. Izumi, Leo, and Ritsu <3 and then she invites him to eat lunch with them.

Mika declines :( (for good reason but we’ll get to that eventually, he does kind of want to go but he knows he can’t, and it’s a Shu thing btw, Shu wants him to blend in and making friends is kind of part of that, it’s just, another thing)

anyways we cut to the class where Leo is, Shu is introduced via a goofy yah funny way, like he’s the comedically stuck up classmate.

he and Izumi are fighting

Leo is trying to break up the verbal smack down but like, it ain’t really working, eventually once these bitches tire each other out or a teacher intervenes they’ll stop.

Leo tries to calm down and comfort Izumi with a hand on his shoulder but Izumi brushes him off

Leo also tries to invite him to lunch again and he tells Izumi that he, Arashi, and Ritsu all miss him at lunch

Izumi declines and says that he has to go before storming out of that classroom as soon as the bell rings

Leo complains to Arashi and Ritsu about Izumi at lunch.

After Leo is done venting his frustrations Arashi brings up the weird shit from the night before

She tries to show the photo she got of the mannequins? No, weird living dolls. On her phone, but all the photos are blurred out.

Ritsu is like “So, what are we supposed to see here?”

Arashi explains and shows them the gem mark + the makeup brush + the 87 photos she got of her new cat.

Leo and Ritsu believe her cuz like, they’re besties, and also, it’s Leo and Ritsu, they’ve dealt with weirder, Aliens + Rei Sakuma

anyways the besties decide that A. Arashi needs to do something fun to get her mind off things + B. They want to do something for Izumi cuz he’s been super stressed recently

So they go out together to look for something to buy him. Girlboss mall trip <<33

After browsing through a few shops they pick out a couple things for him, a nice shirt and some ink for that pretty glass pen he likes to use. (Leo picked out the second one)

They go to a little cafe with those cute colorful drinks in the mall for a snack. This is the usual hang out spot for a lot of the younger students, like the first years, especially if they like sweets.

Ritsu notices something is up.

there are gold strings creeping along the floor, and they seem to be going toward Arashi’s bag

Ritsu grabs her bag and stand from his chair.

Arashi and Leo are of course like “??????”

but they go along with what he’s doing, the strings start to follow him so he gets up and goes lmao, the three of them leave the table and their drinks behind. (At this establishment you pay at the counter so they’ve already paid for the drinks)

These bitches actually get chased by the strings until they end up in a deserted place (the fucking back alley outside the mall where people usually load stuff from trucks)

Arashi grabs the makeup brush out of her bag so she can transform to do something about the strings, maybe cut them?? She doesn’t really know

So the strings form these circles on the ground right? Cool. They open up little portals and the dolls materialize out of the strings (it kind of looks like they’ve been woven together like a tapestry)

Arashi is trying to transform but she cant figure out how to do it. So Leo starts beating the fuck out of the dolls like the feral street cat that he is.

he starts getting his ass kicked and when he’s about to get slammed into a wall Arashi figures it out and transforms

she deals with the dolls pretty easily and they unravel back into little piles of string

anyways things go on, these three besties go back to the house to play with the cat and also patch up Leo’s scratches.

also Tsukasa saw the whole fight, oops.

yeah he saw them leave the cafe in a panic and decided to follow just incase the kids from his school were in trouble and he legit saw the entire thing. Have fun dealing with this Arashi.

I’m having a lot of fun with this Lmao. I hope you enjoyed this <<33

thank you for the wonderful ideas Rui. I have so much more that I want to write about this Lmao. I’ll be back when I have time and another outline that I want to share <<33

*gets out of a timetravel machine* hello, misano from almost a week ago :)

i would drawn all of this before but 1. i had no idea how and 2. last week i was in my house only to sleep haha /sobs

now going to the central theme!

early series Mika got the same social skills as a 11 years old introverted otaku obsessed with yuno gasai frfr

Shu being unbearable for Izumi is so fking funny to me for no reason. I've always felt like when these two meet they would pull each other's hair idkwhy JDFAS

Izumi is so done with that school that he can't not-be an asshole :)

also i've been acting like i know how tf Arashi's cat looks like but i can't denie it anymorE i think is this cat from that card cuz is the only one i can find

I like to think that some moment out screen she went to the closest pet store and just bought half of the store for her new kitty

thanks to Ritsu for noticing those strings or our series would end up a lot earlier than planned 👏👏

also while they run away from the strings you can't tell they didn't hit at least ONE kid like

Ritsu: *hits a kid with the bag*

Leo: holy shi-

Arashi: SORRY CHILD SORRY MA'AM

also i fully want to think that Tsukasa followed them expecting something surreal, but like drugs or them just doing a joke video surreal, not *now i suppose that i live in a magic world where people can transform and bring out a sword out of nowhere in seconds, and also there's fucking living dolls* surreal

anywys, amazing work as always my dude c:! I can't wait for the next chapter!! <-already read it 5 days ag

ME DESAPAREZCO *throws a smoke bomb**trips and falls*

[messy-does-cosmology]

TW I'm talking about mental health stuff (including eating disorders and trauma and suicide) also this is a vent post

I'm very excited about being 24 and about what 2024 might bring, but I'm honestly disappointed somewhat in my mental health. My recovery from anorexia has led me to developing other eating disorders, and my friend's death by suicide a year and a half ago has left me completely changed and, imo, a much more depressed person.

I've just been through so much complete bullshit in my early 20s that shouldn't have happened to me. Just reams upon reams of bullshit, endlessly spewing into my life. I honestly don't know how to fix myself.

The one thing I do know is that I need regular therapy, from a good therapist. I always end up being much better off with this taken care of. Another thing I need is a routine, but I don't feel like I have the willpower to actually obey a routine. I always end up fucking up my sleep schedule.

Another thing I'm considering is medication. I was on sertraline in the summer, and it definitely reduced my anxiety, but the side-effects were too hard to deal with. I literally got pretty much every side effect you can name. So if you have any experience with anxiety meds and finding the best ones in terms of side effects, please let me know!

But yeah. It's fucked up, I'm used to feeling that, at the end of each year, things are getting better, not getting worse. This year has been really hard though. I've struggled greatly to keep my head above the water, and I feel like in many ways my mental health is worse than when I turned 23.

[electoons]

if I can just vent for a sec I'm just really mad at my job bc they recruited me as an art instructor with the understanding I would be leading art projects with the seniors and in the 5 months I've worked here I've only been able to do maybe 4 projects with them? and the rest is basically inane bullshit like reading the news to them and playing hangman (which is fine like I shouldnt complain about a job where I'm playing games lol) and doing the aides' work for them like changing diapers and helping people use the bathroom and trying to keep people from hurting themselves and I was supposed to be helping them make art!! and then when I ask if I can start incorporating art projects into the schedule they say uhh well you were supposed to be coming up with project ideas? and I'm like dog I literally did and I told you and you forgot! because you don't listen to anyone's suggestions! and then when they actually do listen to me they then schedule the projects on DAYS WHEN IM NOT WORKING and I need to get tf out of here!!!!! there's too many sounds and smells and it's always hot as fuck in here and if I have to play another game of hangman I might make myself the hangman tbfh. it's not that the work itself is worse than anyone else's work it's just that I was brought here under false pretenses lmao

& I like most of the residents (and I love a few of them! I love talking to them and hearing their histories and such especially the English woman who worked for the UN and traveled literally all over the entire world. she has a lot of stories) but I swear to God some of these people like I KNOW it's not their fault if they get combative bc that's the nature of the disease but I'm sort of getting tired of getting yelled at and called a dumb bitch because I can't help them with a problem they themselves won't/can't tell me about (bc they have a disease! which isn't their fault and I know they're just as confused as I am and I absolutely feel horrible for them bc it's a terrible disease to have) and getting slapped for gently trying to wake someone up to take them to eat dinner I'm outtttt I'm leaving. I'm not cut out for this it's draining my soul

[scriptaroos]

ASMR script

VA: any gender, neurodivergent

Listener: male, has (food restriction) disordered eating, implied lonely

Relationship: best friends/classmates

Type: hurt/comfort, little bit of reverse comfort

Length: short

Prompt: Listener goes to VA's house but he hasn't eaten in a while.

[Ring, door unlocking and opening]

VA: Hey dude! Thanks for coming to help me out on this project. It means a lot.

Listener: Of course I'd come!

VA: Sorry about the mess, I've been crafting some stuff and using my pinboard wall.

Listener: It's no problem at all!

VA: Okay SO *infodumps about some oddly specific topic*

[Sound becomes muffled for a moment]

VA: Hey! Are you listening? I know you love my facts about (topic) so what's going-

[Muffling and ringing]

VA: -hear me? I asked if you're okay. Did you get any sleep last night? My, you look tired. Let's go to bed.

Listener: *confused*

VA: Yes really, I'm not going to risk you passing out with all these materials on the floor.

Listener: But the project!

VA: The project can wait, you're no good to it if you keep zoning out like that. Now, tell me what's up.

Listener: I'm fine really...

VA: You think I'm buying that? "Oough I'm fine" bullshit! You don't have to hide y'know, you always let me vent when I need it.

Listener: It's really not a big deal I-

[Stomach growling]

Listener: (under breath) Fuck.

VA: Oh. Seems like you got snitched on. You could have told me you're hungry. What do you want to eat? I got some snacks but I could cook something if-

Listener: No no please, I don't want to leech off of you.

VA: I don't give a damn about those arbitrary houseguest politeness rules. Now that I'm really looking at you you look kind of sick. I'm going to make you something.

[Timeskip, listener took an involuntary nap]

VA: Wake up sleepy prince- oh gosh you're still cold! Here, I got you some broth.

Listener: Wh- what happened?

VA: You feel asleep, or passed out comfily. You were shivering so that's why you're buried in blankets and stuffed toys.

Listener: Oh.

VA: I'm worried. You're usually really straightforward when something's bothering you. *sighs* just Please. Eat up.

Listener: I can't- I can't. I can't.

VA: Woah woah, breathe. Okay. I know you can do it, I'm here for you. Raaaaise the bowl and take a sip.

VA: There we go, you'll feel better in no time. I'm so proud of you man. Shh don't talk now, you need to regain energy.

[VA gently rubs listener's head]

VA: I'm going to talk about... it. You can tell me your thoughts later but just listen for now.

VA: I love you. *sniffles* you are the kindest man I know and I'm so scared.

[Faint rain starts in the background, slowly increasing]

VA: I've seen signs before but I only put two plus two together earlier today, and only now the gravity of the situation is coming to hit me.

VA: I dismissed my worries by thinking "oh he's so strong and always knows how to take care of others, he must have it together" but I was so wrong.

VA: You're so weak right now in both senses and I did nothing to stop you from hurting yourself-

Listener: Nothing's your fault

VA: But I feel like I'm at fault. When you were out, I grabbed your phone to call the emergency contact, but it was me.

Listener: You're my best friend.

VA: We're best friends of course but that's because we like to spend time together. I don't think I actually know you enough.

VA: Usually when you "open up" to me you just complain about something like that time you got your socks wet. Do you not have anyone else to rely on? To talk about serious problems?

Listener: It's hard to trust people.

VA: Hard to trust others huh? You don't even trust your own body... Will you please eat some more? Thank you. Now hush, you seem better but still look like a lemur with the messy hair and eyebags.

VA: I don't... know what's going on with you. I have some theories but they're worthless if you can't willingly reach out. I'm bad at reading people and you know it.

VA: Asking for help doesn't make you weak, and being weak doesn't make you unworthy of getting help.

VA: You're safe with me. I don't care about whatever gender role boxes people have trying to put you in, you're allowed to be vulnerable and honest and I want you to be.

VA: Thank you for eating my broth, I know that was hard for you, but it's a huge step forward.

VA: Whatever is troubling you, I'll listen, but you should get some more rest now. I'll be the big spoon!

[tyrannosaurus-trainwreck]

Post-hurricane wrap-up:

High-five to past me for eating the scallops so they didn’t go to waste when the power went out.  I would in fact have been super-mad about it, because I was pretty mad about having to toss the cheap-shit frozen vegetables.

Also high-five to past me for getting on the roof the day before it hit and making sure the huge motherfucking downed limb I’ve got in the back yard didn’t take anything off the house when it went.

Cooking the bacon was a great idea, not only because I’d have been mad if I’d had to throw it away yesterday but also because the neighbors spent Thursday grilling everything that would otherwise spoil and bacon is an A+ consolation prize for not getting to eat a burger after smelling them cook all afternoon.

Neighbors spent all Thursday blasting reggaeton because nothing matters.

The water heater actually retained heat for a full 24 hours, and I was able to take a warm shower a day after losing power.

The temperature dip you usually see after a hurricane rolls through has lasted longer than usual, which was much appreciated.  It was actually cold in the attic this morning when I got up there to do one last check on the interior vents and remove some of the drip pans.

I’m still eating the stuff I baked before the lights went out, because all the stuff in the fridge had to get chucked, so well done, me.

The propane camping stove will definitely need to be a model with a wind shield.  Even in the lee of the house, the crossbreeze from the hurricane’s trailing bands was pretty stiff until about the 24-hour mark.

So far as I’ve been able to tell, only one thing so much as budged from where I put it to keep it from blowing all over the neighborhood, so again, well done, me.

Almost forgot about the pint of consolation ice cream.  Wound up eating it at one in the morning, soft but still solid, and reading Dracula Daily by the light of a solar lantern.

Fuck twitter and facebook sideways for their “login to keep reading” bullshit, because guess where every single pertinent and useful announcement about boil water notices, curfews, supply pick-up centers, power restoration, etc. from the county and city governments’ emergency operations departments is getting made? (:

Also I had to hit Home Depot yesterday for something, and all their Halloween shit is up, including a lot of life-size lawn decorations like zombies and scarecrows.  Since a plurality of the people in a Home Depot after four days in a hurricane zone look like they’ve spent four days in a hurricane zone and none of us have been sleeping, I just about jumped out of my fucking skin when two of the ‘lawn decorations’ standing next to the zombie turned around and shuffled off to the self-checkout line.

[pluviositea]

⚠️Vent post

ADHD straight up fucking sucks, for me anyways. It's so commonly portrayed as this mild condition where people, "just can't focus" and are "chatterboxes" that "can't sit still."

Well only rarely do I tick any of those boxes. Because I mean, Isn't everyone like that some of the time?

Bullshit.

The pain my executive dysfunction brings me is excruciating. It's harmful for me physically and mentally, no debate whatsoever.

I have days where it takes me an hour to get up out of bed, and many days where it takes twice that to fall asleep.

So many of my responsibilities stack up on me it's unbearable. There are so many things I need to do, like looking for a job, or cleaning up around the house, or getting a driver's license, or check on my student debts.

I struggle so much trying to start most anything. Cleaning laundry, taking showers, eating a meal, changing clothes, brushing my hair. I go full days at times only on junk snacks and sugary drinks because it's too hard to decide what to eat. Yes I feel fucking awful when I do this. I don't enjoy it.

It really messes with a person when they can't trust their own brain to initiate tasks, even when they want to, or when there is a strong need to do so. As a result, my self-esteem takes the hits.

If I can't trust myself, why should others' trust me? When I can't get assignments done, or fail to uphold a promise, I feel like an awful human being. I feel like I am failing myself, and others, by doing so. Sometimes I am scared to even try for fear that I will end up with in a puddle of tears on the floor because I can't "just do the thing."

It impacts every single part of my life. Only now am I learning that my ADHD is the reason for all of this.

I am a rather quiet person, and often keep largely to myself. I am very concious of how my words impact other people, and in that regard, I am far from impulsive. This is probably why, only now- after flunking several college classes- that I have been diagnosed. A lot of mental health professionals don't understand ADHD for what it is- an executive functioning disorder- and miss the signs completely.

I am blessed to have a therapist now who has ADHD and whom also understands it. She pushes me, and challenges me, while also teaching me "tricks" that she uses to make things more manageable.

TLDR: ADHD can be extremely hard to cope with and it is not a fucking choice.

[fictionalreads]

Stranger Things Season 4 Episode 9

Russia Crew

Fucking Yuri.

JOYCE AND HOPPER ARE TOO CUTE

Oh Jim. I don’t like that you’ve been beaten like that. I don’t like you hurt.

Hopper has been eating shit. Of course he’s been thinking about the food.

ARE THEY GONNA KISS? THEY KISSED YAY

Oh fuck. The phone.

Oh Hopper. He just wanted to get home and see his kid and now she’s in danger.

They’re staying?! THEYRE GOING BACK TO THE PRISON?! No I wanted a meet up!

I’m with Murray. I have a bad feeling about this.

It got out. How did it get out?

Murray is hilarious.

No Hopper I’m tired of you being in danger.

YES MURRAY YES KEEP GOING WITH THE FIRE

This shit really don’t die.

Drag the sword through the fire Hop!

Hopper you seem to be enjoying that fight.

Hawkins Crew

Guys this is a bad plan. I don’t like this.

This dude is gonna mess it all up isn’t he? Mind your business.

Awe Max and Lucas🥰

I don’t like this. Something is wrong. Abort. ABORT

Oh Max. 🥺

Cause it’s not Lucas. That’s why.

RUN ERICA RUN

He’s telling you the truth Jason. I can see how this looks with Max in the trance but he’s serious!

KICK HIS ASS ERICA

Okay come on Lucas. You gotta do better than that.

EL TO THE RESCUE

NOOO MAAAAXXXXX

Max wake up. Get out of there!

So…Are her bones still broken?

OH FUCK SHES DYING NOOOO FUCK

What is happening? Don’t give your life in the process though El.

Upside Down Crew

Steve being worried has me worried.

Eddie is such a cinnamon roll!

Nice moment. But let’s focus on killing this thing first, yeah?

Awe I think Eddie really liked Chrissy. In an alternate universe, they could’ve been cute together.

Stop being excited. Get out of the upside down.

Oh no. Dustin’s in danger. I don’t like this.

How could y’all forget the vents?

Can y’all get out of here and think of something better?

CLIMB EDDIE CLIMB

Why are you stopping? NO EDDIE YOU DONT GET TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF DO NOT DEVIATE FROM THE PLAN

Eddie. No. It’s okay to run away. You said it yourself. GET TO SAFETY EDDIE

Dustin why the fuck did you go back in?!

No no no. It was a miracle so you need to leave.

Um. Why are y’all waiting? LIGHT HIS ASS UP!!! Throw the shit Steve!

STOP LOOKING AT HIM AND KILL HIS ASS

Nancy is brave.

Damnit he’s gone. I knew it was too good to be true.

NOOOOO EDDIE Why am I sobbing at Eddie’s death speech?

😭😭😭😭 He just wanted to graduate!!

California Crew

Oh they’re getting gas.

Argyle what place. I swear if you’re just talking high imma be mad.

The pizza place?

Purple Palm Tree Deluxe coming in clutch.

LMAO he’s making pizza.

Awe Mike and El moment. Of course Argyle ruins it.

Oh poor Will.

Jonathan trying to let Will know it’s okay and he still loves him.😭💙

Low key wish we got him saying the words to Jonathan. Cause right now it just feels like this thing they know but don’t talk about. And it’s okay to talk about Will being gay.

Get to her El.

Eleven get there already!

Yeah Fight El! But fight faster.

After

Oh now people wanna leave Hawkins.

OH MY GOD THEYRE STILL ON THIS CULT BULLSHIT Okay the doorway part is true.

I’d have told him he wasn’t allowed to leave ever again too Mrs. Eheeler.

Oh she’s in the hospital now. OH ERICAS THERE TOO

Still a disaster Robin. Steve is still a great friend.

Oh Eddie’s uncle! I’m gonna cry again.

Oh Dustin!! Stop I’m already crying!

Where the hell is the Russia crew?

OH THIS HOPPER AND ELEVEN REUNION IS EVERYTHING

Oh God can they leave Will alone.

Are they in the upside down now?

And now I have to wait for more. I just hope it’s not three years again.

Miscellaneous

I don’t even like the title of this episode.

Jason. You’re irrelevant. Go elsewhere. Please.

I don’t like this tension I have.

El can’t die, right? They still have another season.

So how did Vecna lose his nose? Cause he still had it after he went to the upside down.

Oh I don’t like this bad news montage.

Well they can’t ALL die. Right? There’s too much time left in the episode. I feel confident they’ll get away somehow.

Okay they killed it. But there’s still too much time left in the episode.

Oh Jason’s gone.

I DONT LIKE THIS

[boilingheart]

cw: suicidal thoughts //

idk how to do a read more on mobile sorry otherwise I'd crop it. I told myself I wouldn't vent about shit like this heavy and personal online anymore but I'm not doing so good and I need to put it somewhere

I'm not very healthy and I'm not very happy. I'm not doing so good mentally. Financially things suck really bad, I've been eating one meal a day for the past 3 months and I can't fall asleep until it's at least 5-6AM. I fixed my sleep schedule last week and it only lasted 2 days. It's almost 9AM that I write this and I haven't slept

My shoulder hurts again and I think it's because I got lazy on physical therapy. I'm scared ill dislocate it again. I hurt my knee at work last week and I hurt it again a few days ago and right now the whole muscle is swollen and sore and tender and I limp when I walk. I'm 24 and I feel so breakable and weak, I have no muscle, I'm too fucking tall, and I feel like any one of my bones are going to pop out of their sockets. I still have to go to work and get my license and do other things but how can I if my shoulder feels so weak? It's recovering from a dislocation still but it feels like it got worse, not to mention my trapezius has been getting pins and needles daily for no reason and no treatment has worked and my doctor doesn't know what's causing it

Somethings wrong with my skin too. I think it's eczema, I hope that's all it is, but it's the worst it's ever been. My whole left arm is completely discolored and dry and itchy and it's starting to spread on more of my body in ways I've never seen. I'm scared it'll get to my face next

I am so so uncomfortable. There's no space in my house. There's 5 of us in one house and we all fucking hate each other and There's 3 animals and there's no food and even if there is I'm too scared to go out there to eat bc my parents sleep in the living room cause there's no space for them anywhere and they fight daily and if I pass by one of them I'll aggro them and get stuck in a 2 hour lecture of some alt right bullshit or terf shit or thinly veiled misogynistic or racist takes I can't stand it

You know that phrase you can lead a horse to water but you can't force it to drink? I'm the horse. And I don't want to drink anything. I know all of my problems. I'm not working on a single project because I have no discipline and no motivation and unmedicated ADHD that's so bad it makes me wanna fucking end it. I have so many things I want to do but no drive. I'm passionate about things but not enough. I'm not going to sleep early I'm not eating or drinking I'm not exercising or doing physical therapy I'm not going for walks and getting sunlight I'm not maintaining myself beyond brushing my teeth every night, and showering when it's time to go to work and doing my job as required. I know everything I'm doing wrong. I know that what I'm doing is making everything worse. I know that I could be making it better for myself. But I dont... care anymore? I shouldn't be scratching my arms but I stopped caring about that I just want relief and I don't care the cost. I stay up late and let myself cause I just want the satisfaction of finishing this video or whatever it is I'm doing. Everything is numb. People will tell me what I need to be doing so I can stop and I'll know they're 100% correct and that I need to listen but I don't. I don't have it in me anymore for some reason. I don't know why it's so hard to just so it. I don't know. I don't know if it's executive dysfunction or depression or disassociation or what.

And thing is. I've told myself years ago I'd never kill myself. Cause like, I have so much I need to do, so much on the line, people I need to take care of, things I want to do, a lot of things to live for. I wrote down a list of things to live for that took up 2 pages, and it helped me a lot. Kept me centered and focused. I am not allowed to die because I have so much on the line. I am not allowed to.

But recently I found myself looking at this list of mine, of thinking about all these things, and... it invokes no emotion in me. I look at my long ass list of reasons to live and it does nothing for me. I don't care about them anymore??? It feels so empty. And I know that's bad. But I feel so detached and removed. I am in constant pain and constant stress and I can't lay on my right shoulder anymore cause it hurts and that sucks cause that's my favorite sleeping position, I'm always hungry and I'm always tired and I wake up at 3-4PM always and I have so many things to do to write to draw to create to record but it's not enough. It's not enough anymore. Nothing is enough. I have no drive or motivation. I don't have anything to look forward to. My goal is to move me and my siblings out of this house next year as an escape because I know this household is so unbelievably horrifically toxic and abusive that it will LITERALLY kill us if we stay here longer so I feel bad and selfish giving up before getting us out of here bc it's up to me to make sure I get us out. But I don't want to perform all this maintenance on myself anymore. I'm too lazy and cowardly to fully kill myself in one go but. I don't want to try anymore. I want to give up. I'm very very alone and I don't have irl friends and I have such a horrible way of communicating with people/friends online that I have. I keep everyone at an arms length I don't know how to be friends or reach out, I don't know how to navigate in a social space if I'm not an authority figure like a mod and that's a whole other pack of problems that comes from my inferiority complex. I don't know. I don't know. I need to say this somewhere and I'm sorry for anyone who's reading this and seeing how heavy and personal it is. I meant to stop doing this shit online already which is why I've been silent so much here but. I can't do this anymore. I'm tired. And I don't know what to do. I need help but I know that I'm the only one who can help myself because I'm the horse and I need to drink but I don't want to. I would rather drown in it. I would rather drown and I don't know what to do. I know it's bad and wrong and unhealthy all of it but I just can't stop I can't stop. I am not okay. I need help and I don't know how to get it. Nothing is accessible out here. I'm a tiger in a cage and I'm going to die here. I'm letting myself rot and decay. I'm going to die here.

[joyful-soul-collector]

I just need a spot to vent and I don’t feel like doing it in my journal so I’m just gonna do it here. If you want to read, tw for cancer and all the generally upsetting things that come with that

So my. Grandmother, on my dad’s side, is not very great. My siblings and cousin call her Nonnie, and our grandpa we call Papaw. Both of them are pretty religious and also just. Not very smart. Often those two things mash together. 

Anyway, 3 years ago Nonnie noticed she had a lump on her breast. Apparently she hadn’t been to the doctor in years either, not since my father was a kid. Now, if you were most people, you would go to the doctor to see if you had cancer or if it was something else, like maybe a cyst. That seems like the most logical thing to do to me anyways. But no, that’s not what she did. Instead, she looked up alternative ways to treat cancer, and fell on a website that told her if she just changed her diet and took basically snake oil pills, then it would cure her cancer. 

She doesn’t know how to look up things. She doesn’t know how to tell when websites are reputable, it doesn’t matter if it’s riddled with spelling mistakes, or if the doctor she’s looking at isn’t an actual cancer doctor. Papaw doesn’t care that she has cancer, he just says that god is going to take care of her and that if she dies then it must be god’s plan. Just like how apparently him going blind from diabetes is god’s plan. They don’t take any control over their lives. Every bad thing that’s ever happened is because god is teaching them a lesson, or because god has a plan, it’s never that they fucked up. Hell they told my dad that he went deaf in one ear because god was punishing him for becoming an atheist. They don’t fucking care what happens to them, they just blame everything on god. 

I learned last night that Nonnie has stage 4 breast cancer now. Or at least we’re pretty sure, she never actually went to a real doctor to get diagnosed. She has open sores on her chest now, and she says it burns sometimes. It’s either stage 4 or very close to it. And she still believes that eating healthier and putting on a fucking salve will cure her cancer. There’s no fucking cure for stage 4 breast cancer. Not even chemo will help now. 

She never listened to us, not even once. My mother has a Ph.D., her specialty in psychology and the immune system. She wouldn’t even listen to her, not the person with a fucking doctorate. We tried to tell her these sites were lies, we tried to tell her what will happen if she doesn’t get treatment, we tried to take her to a real doctor. Just like we did with my Papaw’s diabetes. Wouldn’t fucking listen. 

So now, she’s just. Going to die. When you get stage 4 generally the last steps are just pain management and trying to make death as easy as possible. Only she apparently doesn’t want to take even ibuprofen if she can so I guess she’s just going to die a horribly painful death then huh? Fucking great. My grandmother is going to die from breast cancer, because she believed that god and fucking primrose oil would save her. My dad is going to lose his mom because she wouldn’t fucking listen to her own family and decided that these bullshit websites knew more than the woman with a fucking doctorate degree. 

I’m not close with Nonnie really. She doesn’t like that I’m trans and she was neglectful to my dad and she’s started drama every time we’ve visited her. But my dad loves her, and he’s going to be heartbroken when she’s gone. So I’m just so fucking angry right now. Why are they like this? Why do all my grandparents have to be fucking awful? I’m so fucking tired of this shit. 

[throwingmuses]

need 2 vent about the shit show that was the doctors appt i had yesterday 🤩 cw for weight ment and other eating disorder stuff

ok so basically its been an extreme pain to get into this ed program because i need medical clearance (including blood work) before i can start bc the clinic isnt equipped to help treat medical issues. essentially i have to have a doctor order the blood test or else id have to pay out of pocket and order the tests myself (which i definitely dont have the money for rn), but the soonest appointment my doctor had available was over a month out. so i tried going to several of those walk in clinics and all of them gave me some convoluded answer essentially saying they couldnt help me. finally i found someplace that let me make an appointment with another doctor that was a bit sooner than my other one, so i went ahead and did that. i walked into it expecting it to be pretty brief, and i was confused at first why the doctor was doing a psych assessment when all i needed was a quick physical checkup??? but i was really tired and confused so i just went along with it anyways. from the second i walked in the doctor seemed very irritated and was acting rude for literally no reason. i tried to just let it roll off my shoulders because i desperately needed someone to just order these goddamn blood tests and sign a paper saying im good to go. but then, when she asked me my current height/weight, i told her that i was 5'4 and 120lb, to which she actually fucking responded by saying "Wow, you weigh more than me!" which was EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and has been fucking haunting me in the form of obsessive thoughts ever since. she also implied that my current therapist/psychiatrist wasnt very informed because shes a recent graduate when in reality shes the most knowledgable and up front psych ive ever had and this bitch who thinks shes the hot shit didnt even know that there were different types of bipolar disorder. clearly her "knowledge" of psychology as a whole is extremely outdated. anyways towards the end of the meeting, she told me straight up that the clinic probably wouldnt accept me because im at a healthy weight which is total bullshit because thats not how it works whatsoever and i was already ACCEPTED into the program regardless of my weight. ive had this issue a lot over the years with providers not believing that im anorexic because ive never lost a significant amount of weight and the worst medical issue ive had was having low potassium and almost passing out at work, and im forever fucking baffled as to why that is because i often eat less than 1000 calories per day. like im grateful for my body continuing to take care of me despite all of the hell i put it through, but just because im healthy on paper doesnt mean this shit doesnt terrorize me on a daily basis. anyways at that point i just fucking snapped (which is very out of character for me cuz im rather shy) and i told her that she had no idea what she was even talking about, that anyone with half a brain let alone a degree in psychology shouldnt talk to someone with an eating disorder like that (which she KNEW i had walking into this bc thats what the whole appointment was about), and explaining to her that the stress i have around food is ruining my life and preventing me from doing pretty much anything i want/have to do. after yelling at her she changed her disposition entirely and started acting like a dog with its tail between its legs which was pretty gratifying at least. i was like openly sobbing very loudly afterward tho and like everyone in the office could hear me which i found to be embarassing but Oh Well. then me and my bf talked to her supervisior and told them what happened and they were actually very receptive and apologetic so heres to hoping she gets fired (: also she wasnt even a fuckin doctor so the whole thing was pointless but luckily i got an earlier appointment with my doctor cuz someone cancelled But Yeah Ive Been Fucked Up Ever Since

[astralscrivener]

for deep writer asks: 7, 10, 12, 17-20!!

7. how does receiving or not receiving feedback/support impact you?

receiving feedback is a huge motivator and a mood booster. it lets me know people are actually out there reading what i wrote, y’know? i think kudos are nice but i wanna know what people thought. i wanna know what made them yell, i wanna know what lines were their favorite, i wanna see “HOW FUCKING DARE YOU???” in my comments when i’ve pulled some bullshit. not receiving any feedback sometimes makes me feel like i’m shouting into the void. like blah blah blah yeah i’m supposed to be writing for myself, but writing is also art, and art is meant to be consumed. it’s meant to be shared. feeling like there’s no one out there reading it can be a little disappointing at best and downright crushing at worst

vs when i KNOW there’s an audience out there reading it? when i know i have people anticipating a fic update and looking forward to what happens next? lights a FIRE under my ass. there are little moments i like to sprinkle in hoping someone catches them and mentions them. i LOVE seeing “oh my god this was foreshadowing” or “AUTHOR I SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING WITH [X LINE]” in my inbox. it makes writing feel less isolating and more like a conversation, if that makes sense

10. how has writing positively impacted your mental health or overall mood?

writing has been my salvation. several times. i’m not really in a position where i can get a therapist/medication for any of the Everything That’s Wrong With Me, so writing really became my outlet from an early age. my creative writing teacher in high school motivated me to write poetry every time i felt like garbage just to get it out of my system, and it just sort of stuck. with fanfic specifically, it feels like i’m helping not only myself but others. it’s like i’m writing myself out of a hole, and also writing a “how to avoid holes / get out of them if you fall in” guide for others, if that makes sense. like when i was writing squad up, a lot of it was a way for me to vent about my mental health and it was my way of processing the world. it also helped me realize i was bi, and it was my way of processing the way i view romance (which. has not really changed in the last four years lmao). it felt really rewarding to see people commenting that i had helped them to understand something they hadn’t before, or i had changed their worldview in some way. it felt really, really good.  

12. What’s your perfect environment to create/write?

peak writing hours for me used to be about 10 pm - 3 am, just because it was quiet and i had guaranteed solitude without interruption. since i actually have to Be An Adult now, i can mostly find time to write as long as i know i have a stretch of time to myself. usually i need relative quiet, my music, some fresh air, and solitude. the desk in my room is a pretty solid choice for that (vs like, i can’t work on fic too too much in public or even in other rooms in my house bc i feel like i’m being watched/judged or i will be called away to do a Task any minute). 

17. What’s the best engagement/interaction/feedback you’ve received from someone who’s read your work?

answered here!

18. Do you only write when you’re inspired, or do you try and sit down at specific times and write no matter what?

it used to be only really when i was inspired (and to a degree still sort of is) just bc. it’s obviously easier to write when i have the time, energy, and motivation, but i made a promise to myself at the start of 2022 that i would try to write at least a sentence a day, if nothing else. i don’t really write at specific times, though. usually i schedule my day around my meals, so whatever time i’m not eating will be used for writing, reading, or Other Important Tasks (like chores. or applying to jobs). tl;dr i try to write a little every day, but writing when inspired is definitely easier 

19. If you could write an ideal fic, what would it include?

answered here!

20. What’s the greatest gift you’ve gotten from your writing?

not to be a sappy bitch and also make everything about her but my girlfriend told me she fell for me a little bit while reading my fics, especially the modern au ones, bc she really agreed with the way i viewed the world and viewed romance especially. i love her 

deep fic writer asks!

[clearmentalitykryptonite]

Remember when you use to bite my body or ass so hard I'd have big bruises and teeth marks and would be crying but you would laugh and think it was okay. I couldn't sit down and would ask you to stop but you would still do it all the time.

Remember when we would go to the grocery store or out to eat and you would say dudes are going to start hitting on you now after we broke up. I would beg you not to do it. You would have that evil smirk on your face excited for me to be sexually harrassed. Like you had plans up your sleeve just like your mom did at work. What about when you would question me about where i was eating and then next thing you know like routine things would start happening or disappearing or fucked up. Remember when you would get me food when we were still together and id ask you to try it and you would look me dead in my eyes and say it tasted fine even though it didn't (like I'm imaging it and crazy) or you would ask me how my food was and id say good and you would look confused. (DID YOU THINK I FUCKING FORGOT) What about Halloween you questioning me where we were going for trick or treating trying to see if it's the same place. When we went it was like everyone already knew who we were (it was fucking obvious) like at this picture do I need a restraining order on you and your family ect... we waited in the car for 30 mins and you were still "working" pitch black out and had to go by ourselves. Said we would wait and you told us to just go. You didn't give two fucks. (Even though you say you do) i avoid you and ignore you but somehow you guys try to have all these flying monkeys do your abusive bidding. You somehow know things without me ever telling you. Remember when you would dog whistle me in public and then act like nothing was being said just so you could abuse me discreetly. If it's all going to keep happening no matter what I do I might as well just run my mouth. What about Our daughter crying and saying burns to pee and hurts down there and it being pretty obvious you trying to mentally torture me with making me think she was being abused and her saying she got a scratch down there. Using my trauma as a weapon to abuse me through our kids or so you can get away with it. At this point I'm done! I'm not going to off mysef like when I was 21 because i had to lose people I loved, I was a kid. This time I'm an adult and I hate you so it's not a loss. It's fucking freedom from your abuse. How about the other night when our daughter said she was hit and i came to ask you about it and you started going off on me about all this other shit and used it as a venting session and THEN tried to act like a concerned dad. You didn't give two actual fucks you just wanted to get defensive and run your mouth about past bullshit. This has been years and years of bullshit and you want to say I'm the problem. Fuck you. I'm so thankful I had people who showed me who you actually were and could be. I always wanted you to change and instead you became an priceless lesson. So thanks for breaking me it gave me the opportunity to build myself up stronger.