#but those things scare me so bad
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is it just me or does anyone else hate christmas crackers/bonbons
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Call that a Cave Story.
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#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wen chao#wang lingjiao#mianmian#wei wuxian#jiang cheng#I had to cut the comic with JC 'holding WWX back from fighting the Wen Assholes' but it is with me in spirit.#It reads (to me) a little bit like JC is scared of Core Melting Hand and wants to have an excuse to hold on to WWX for comfort.#As far as I can recall they are around 15-17 in this arc.#And a guy who can rip out your golden core? The thing we know JC truly puts so much weight upon that he feels meaningless without it?#Yeah that's pretty terrifying. I hope WWX hugs back (he will not)#I have a lot more thoughts on Wang Lingjiao and Mianmian but I will keep them for later.#WLJ is a character I feel got done a little dirty because she has a ton of interesting potential that gets pushed aside for Mean Villainess#Let's be fully honest. Wen Chao and Wang Lingjiao are *THE* characters the Protag of one of those 'Reincarnated as the villain!' stories#Set up to be assholes to the main character and meeting a horrible end in retribution.#Do you think MXTX thought about that? How Wen Chao is basically the original Shen QiugQiu?#Who's going to be the brave soul who writes A transmigrator in wen chao's body (accidently makes wwx fall in love with him) story?#Though If we are going with “any mxtx character sho dies transmigrates to another book” WHO is the transmigrator?#Hear me out. I think it should be Original Liu Qingge. I think he and wwx would make a funny duo and I want to see it so bad.#AND the contrast of womanizer Wen Chao VS 'What is a woman' LQG.
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long, concrete, untextured hallways. black voids in place of doorways and windows. large, inexplicable empty areas. frozen expressions and sudden, janky movements. unintelligible gibberish speech. parking lots. the eating of human flesh. by jove, tmagp 8 is a nintendo 64 game
#THIS IS NOT AT ALL SERIOUS BUT. INTERESTING I THINK#i was sitting there wondering why this specific assortment of things Scared me so bad and i was like AH. GOLDENEYE 007#this is what HAPPENS when those games are FORMATIVE MEMORIES#aanyways..new fav tma ep#new fav statement new fav ep#tmagp 8#tmagp spoilers#tma#tmagp
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THIS IS SO EMBARASSING JUST KISS AND MAKE UP OR SOMETHING
#the ground beta fight has me feeling bad for BAKUGO of all people cant they just kill him off already i cant do this#'is it because you looked up to him more than i did? and if that's the case does it mean everything ive done to be like him is wrong?' STOP#THE OBSESSIVE RIVALRY IS GETTING EMOTIONAL PLEASE JUST KISS#yeah yeah the bully x victim trope is bad but i just think bkdk is the funniest possible outcome here#'bakugo told him to kill himself' bakugo was in middle school#he was like. ten. yeah he needs to apologise but thanks to INCESSANT TIKTOK SPIOLERS i know he does#im investing early idc#the good thing about mha is that the fandom is so big and insane that idc about making good nuanced takes#like every take has already been made both good and bad so im just here to say the funniest possible thing#i want to get cancelled by any mha fans as soon as possible so i can live my life in peace#my hero academia#hella watches anime#mha spoilers#i am NOT tagging this as bakudeku those guys scare me i ultimately am disappointed that this is what im leaning towards
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on the one hand listening to music while drawing is an easy solution to wanting uninterrupted background noise While I Draw however the downside is every time a new song starts theres a 50/50 chance that ill remember how i wanted to make an animatic/comic for it and ill scream inside
#snap chats#i think at this point ive abandoned my Im A Controversy animatic cause i just keep getting ideas for new ones and i wanna work on those#maybe if i finished my work for once i can finally do shit i WANT TO#but nooooo ive had Cubicles stuck in my head all month cause i wanna make a mine/minedai aniamtic for it so bad#or at least a comic. idk. i just know the chorus caresses my brain lovingly before beating me with a mallet as the images come in#and if i said i had multiple mcr songs i wanted to make animatics/comics for. no one is surprised#was talking to my mafia friend about how mcrs prob like. CONSISTENTLY our favorite band since middle school/maybe elementary#so it is no surprise most things i want to draw involving music involve their songs sorry im predictable everyone#by the by does anyone know the info on their new album. allegedly. alleged new album. is that out yet. im scared to check any info ever#so im hoping the day its out i have at least two people in my inbox telling me about it#anyways i have to finish this so i can go back to being sick bye
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alright i dicked around on youtube and reddit all night but i'm starting my morning semi-strong by having done all my exercises + walking. i used the internet to ID eight different birds and a few plants around my neighborhood & then read about them online & now i'm taking a super hot bath bc the chilly air set off my raynaud's Hard. i ate some breakfast and i'm gonna make myself a cup of coffee post-bath and then i'm gonna take rafi to work n run several adult errands n make several adult phone calls. and i'm going to be Fine. and Not Flare Horribly. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
#autoimmune tag#i've had such a bad few weeks inflammation-wise that i've become scared of eating#keeping my diet to chicken + rice + peanut butter sandwiches + cereal seems to so far be working okay#i am so fucking scared to eat anything that isnt those things. i have been Fucked Up.#food#i guess#give me One Day. where i do all the shit i need to do. without feeling sick.
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yall wanna know how fucked up my anxiety is about some shit
i scroll past a post that's about a topic i don't like. whatever, it's fine. i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't care about. that's normal.
i scroll past a video that's a topic i don't like or care about but the person presenting it is a person of color? i IMMEDIATELY feel immensely guilty and need to "compensate" by "proving" it wasn't because of race by also skipping other random posts, JUST IN CASE someone thinks I'm racist because I didn't want to watch a video on a topic I didn't like or care about, that happened to be presented by a person of color.
this just in on: the police in my brain are loud and i'm scared of them
#this is also because i grew up in a racist area and in that culture and my own ignorance i also Was Kinda Racist#but like in that way where you don't realize it's racism until you're out of it and now feel so ashamed that you forcefully block all#those memories just so you don't ever have to associate yourself with them ever again?#(mind you I was like. 15-16 and closeted and scared scared scared all the time so I acted like the Crowd and that was awful of me to do)#BUT NOW that i've grown and am learning and have taken classes on anthropology and all kinds of stuff I just feel like I notice my own shit#like TENFOLD now#it's my anxiety overthinking thing plus if anybody ever knows I could have done anything SLIGHTLY problematic the world will explode#plus my constant paranoia that someone is always watching me and just Knows that I'm Secretly a Bad Person (even though I don't think I am?#also I feel like I need to clarify that the kind of racism in my town wasn't like. klan shit. it was like very hidden racism?#it was like. kids casually doing black accents and making jokes with racist undertones. the kind of racism where race was always#the butt of the joke instead of an outright HATED thing. and I think that's why it was so hard to unlearn#it's like that thing where in order to stop wanting to kill yourself you have to stop joking about wanting to kill yourself#this has become a vent post accidentally i'm so sorry#this is just. one of my Major anxieties that engulfs me every day because of 1) anxiety 2) potential OCD 3) being a bad person in my past#this is another reason I fucking hate florida#because I just know if I had grown up in my home town in MI I would not have been raised in that environment#and it's my own fucking fault for falling into the crowd like that.#all this to say i traumatized myself and likely some people around me by being A Fucking Idiot when I was a kid#and now adult me is doing everything in their power to not ever be that person ever fucking again#tw vent post#tw racism#tw past racism#but im better now and I know my mistakes and I refuse to make them again#fuck florida for every fucking reason under the sun
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A mutual reblogged a pr*ship post and their dni is now neutral. Unfallowed. Bolcked.
#see if i joke i don't CHOKE. on my tears. because this just keeps happening#i'm so scared to interact with mutuals for this exact reason#most i've made have either left me. became toxic over minor differences or become a degenerate.#which is sad because i really enjoyed this friend and all those friends before they or i cut ties#but this kind of shit is unforgivable to me. i've had bad experiences with a friend turning out to be a pr*shipper#everyone flocked to me to fix their traumas but i had talked to that person often. it hurt a lot. they harassed people who harassed them#i was only 15. and i was threatened but what the hell is a sheltered kid SUPPOSED to do back. i wasn't taught shit#people in their fucking 20's were trauma dumping to me in dms and sadly still go to me when they catch wind of this person-#'i need support' you need to get offline. please. just block and ignore. i'm tired.#i should not have had to be babysitting adults and older teens when i didn't know what half those words were at the time.#months ago i did something stupid when i was at my limit and mirrored the pettiness i saw. i was told i would drive someone to suicide.#over saying the person was a bit mean and bringing up some posts i thought they made#i did apologise when i got it wrong. but got threatened with the person possibly killing themselves in my inbox.#this person and the pr*ship person were famously at eachothers' throats#i do not stand by the pr*ship persons' actions. their opinions on the other person were honestly right though. the only thing i agree with.#once again i complain about proshits and gatekeeps. the two are almost as bad as eachother to me#or at least two awful sides that have affected me and my ability to make friends online.#so that's what this remined me of.
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do y'all ever forget who you really are and become cold . unfeeling and uncaring ?
do you ever feel wrong for being alive too ?
#sigh ...#im feeling so empty#i have to constantly keep up such a cheerful persona so that my friends don't worry about me . but im just too tired#honestly . i don't feel upset . i just don't feel anything at this point . im numb . cold#there's something wrong with me#ive been letting myself sink into deeper despair by just ignoring the issue and trying to distract myself with shows and games#but . in truth . those aren't exactly distracting anymore either#i get overwhelmed when i boot up The Stanley Parable and i have to make a choice which will make the narrator angry#i get scared and lost when i get scolded . i feel wrong for making any sort of choices . making choices is terrifying#i feel bad when i play Genshin because none of my friends actually care about it . they all play Honkai Star Rail and im genuinely tired –#– of playing video games alone and talking to myself while doing so#all i can do now is listen to music to at least try to feel something again#...#i just miss having people to talk to .#i miss having fun conversations with friends .#these things are so rare for me . i just want one whole day where i can have fun with someone i care about#wtv#im not bothered by this . ive come to enjoy the loneliness#dhmis#dhmis art#dhmis au#high voltage au#dhmis brendon#unemployed brendon#dhmis hv brendon#cw bright colors#bright colors#cw scopophobia#scopophobia#vent art
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why did i leave dance classes
#i did not like it but mom forcefully got me into one of them when i was a kid okay those classes were bad i admit#because she also got me into singing lessons at the same academy and that was. not good im sorry i do not sound good it was a nightmare#but then in seventh grade i again started dance classes and the exercises were ruthless but i had so so so much fun once i adjusted#because i got the hang of it and i was kinda good#it was so fun atleast something out of the house#but then we had one show and i left the academy or maybe the moved but i did not go back and i miss it so much#the two guys who taught us were so. idk weird and now that i look back at some things also kinda inappropriate 👁️ maybe idk#but other than that i had so much fun going out for practicing on the stage etc etc socialising too i miss it so much#it was mostly contemporary and western#dad used to say i should learn khatak too but then i used to hate it#if only i had given a chance to kathak and continued with contemporary atleast i'll have something 😭#and yesterday i was thinking about that dance performance in school and i remember i did not want to do it because i was scared i had lost#that whatever. idk#i miss it now i'm the awkward dancing cousin at weddings because i hate everyone there and i lost the practice 😭#they moved**
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Random question about the “they should make persona for people who like good games” post. Do people think the persona series is that bad? I know they aren’t perfect but I wouldn’t call them bad games.
I had a wholeass essay written out before i realized im too tired to make it sound coherent. AND my only experience is p 4 and 5, so my opinion on it means jack shit. All i can say is that the most recent titles suffer from bad writing. (And repetitive gameplay, but thats a different issue). Be it poorly written characters and dialogue, or poorly written interactions and plot, it is hard to take some of the stuff in the more recent games at face value. One could argue that that just means the game is subpar, not necessarily bad, but thats subjective; bad means different things to different people. And i say this as someone who thinks this game is Not the best but still found it incredibly engaging and entertaining.
#chattin#i am the kind of person to write video essay length posts on games that disappointed me LOL#so i am the wrong person to ask#remember that when thinking about the quality of a game; you should ask urself#who is the target audience? is it accessible to this audience? do i need an outside source to keep up with this game ? (like a guide)#if its in a series; what does it do to separate itself from the others?#is the writing okay? characters? interactions(#?#insensitive content ?#how is it handled? the game may me okay for me but can I have my fat friends enjoy this game???#can i have my trans friends and gay male friends enjoy this game???#who can i recommend it to? my sister is unable to process all of the social links and requirements for these social links#so she just. doesnt do it. she IS the target audience bc she likes rpgs#and she likes the story and characters. but its too overwhelming#and the social links would be overwhelming regardless of the difficulty#are u meant to enjoy the game in one playthrough or across multiple runs??#is it WORTH it to do those runs? for a game that has ‘choices’ it is painfully linear#and it confuses people who are trying to follow the rules (do things in my free time to build confidants)#when theyre unable to actually hang out w confidants bc of a rush of mandatory scenes#velvet room fusions are a pain and overly complex#and the game stops being about making a good build#and it starts to become ‘make a shadow null to everything bc the game will keep instakilling you’#forcing a game over when ur main character dies is ALWAYS bad to me i will swear by this#u make more interesting builds when u arent scared of a gameover#weh. rambling#the game is as bad or good as u want it to br#people clearly love it; we talk about our faves all the time. but how many of us are replaying a game meant to be replayed. not many.
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The temptation to vague about something in the milgram-confessions blog because its something thats bothered me for Actual Years about certain fandoms vs letting it go because when it is brought up its actually done somewhat tastefully and reasonably which makes me happy and this anon probably didnt mean it in the incredibly bad faith way I keep on seeing it be repeated so really Im getting upset over nothing.
#the answer is: ramble a bit in the tags just to get it out of my system#for some elaboration: Im asian! I have a knee jerk reaction when people go 'the westerners are projecting their values onto the east again'#because 9/10 of the times someone does that they're an American who wants to justify their weird racism/homophobia#by using the idea that asian countries (especially Japan) are backwards and/or ignorant but disguising it as 'being mindful of their cultur#and also then homogenizing them and pretending their all a monolith to be assholes to people!#and/or completely dismiss any possible criticism or interpretation for a series as a cultural values thing#this one fucks me up especially because usually there IS Merit in those interpretations/criticisms#but a concerning amount of people then go 'oh your just pushing your cultural values onto them' as a smokescreen to be a bunch of assholes#and/or discredit their ideas because Clearly All (insert x group here) think EXACTLY THE SAME and BELIEVE FULLY in whatever cultural#idea their using to justify this behavior#Ive Seen actual good discussion on differences in culture!#especially in another fandom of mine#but the worse option has happened so much that when I hear someone say those words alarm bells start ringing#its bad faith! I know its bad faith! But Ive engaged the worse option in good faith and came out wanting to punch someone A Lot More#Ive seen actually good faith discussions of cultural difference in this fandom sometimes! Its really nice but It scares me#cause im just Waiting for Someone to come in and ruin it#can you guys tell ive seen too many bad anime video essays? Ive seen too many bad anime video essays.
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reading posts that come across my dash and sitting for a minute to debate with my mental disorder if not reblogging this will mean a hell portal will open beneath my feet and i will suffer for eternity for my lack of action or if its all good and i can just scroll on by (its usually the hell portal thing)
#⚠️#personal#having ocd makes making moral decisions so fucking hard for no reason#cause ill see a post thats like info or seems important and like i can tell its that kind of post just by skimming it st first and somethin#clicks in my brain that just tells me if i dont share that post everyone will know and think im a horrible person#regardless of what the actual post is about#i need like a handbook on how to make proper moral decisions#cause like yeah i do care about things i try to share stuff about things i care about and believe are important but sometimes i dont have#the energy to read long as posts and my brain twists it to make it out that people will know and i am the bad guy#idk my ocds telling me even saying this makes me a bad person#the fact i even struggle with this#sometimes i think im not built for social media but really i think social medias not built for people like me#maybe i should get help for my ocd but the idea of describing all the shit going on in my brain to someone just makes me feel scared#cause like i dont know when to draw the line at making something a problem i should actively have a hand in helping#how much is too much when do i stop#<- in regards to my own mental health like the mental exhaustion that can come from it i hope this makes sense#like some things you gotta invest like emotional shit into and like sometimes im just tired and i come on here and im faced with one of#those posts and i just have to debate with myself what the fuck im supposed to do#this is more a me issue than anything i need to sort this shit out with some mental health professional or something#cause like i dont want to have people think i dont care about these things i do and ik pressing reblog takes like no energy but idk man#im not even sure if some of the shit i reblog is cause i care or is just an ocd compulsion#i feel like most times its both#i cant help but think im the problem here i want to be on social media its just so draining having my mind repeatedly hound me for not like#showing enough care (reblogging more posts) about a certain issue online#idk im so tired of it all im so tired of my mind i wish i didnt have ocd#vent#so funny right after i posted this i scrolled down and one of these posts was rigjt beneath it and the debate happens all over again#lord i need to get out of here
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y does it feel so SO wrong 2 share ur opinion???
#oh u solved the problem#urself!#like its not even about bing right or wrong its just about literally communicating & i think im doing it BAD#IM NOT AFRAID OF BING “H8ED” ON I JUST#i think i just dont like having the chance of making ppl feel bad?#or soemthing aloong those lines?#theres a line a vry easy line 2 cross#like expressing a comic book opinion right? bc its super easy 2 sway a bunch of ppl#but if ur saying smth u dont like it while some1 does it has the possibility of making that person feel bad#& I H8 THAT...idk y it makes me feel like shit????? @ the possibility???#this feels like smth i should bring up w/a therapist LMAOOOOOOO#but like same thing when i was in class right? giving a presentation i got RLLY SCARED 2 do it bc i was giving an opinion or a fact BUT I#COULD B WRONG ON THE FACT!! which is y i just never did them bc i would cry lol but its just#it kinda feels the same way#its weird bc im fine w/getting shit wrong. its only when i share an opinion when i feel stupid??????? ok not stupid just mean? i think? yea#this is possibly the reason y i get nervous sharing hcs or aus. bc it wont b “canon accurate” & then will like fuck up some1s perception id#its not like any1 reads this lashfkj i just hmmmmmmm theres defiantly smth i should b discovering here i just am not...#i want 2 share my opinion bc its a fucking opinion theres nothing wrong w/it bc its not a fact EXCEPT in the way its a fact of how i FEEL o#THINK?? like its just its strange. i think this has a lot 2 do w/me never bing listened 2 as a child LOL uhhhhhhhh hmmmmmm yeah prolly akj#I FIGURED IT OUT I GOT IT ALLLLLL UNLOCKED#god i hhhhhhhhhhh some1 make a clone of me so i can talk 2 me like a therapist or smth#this is y i cant do therapy actualyl its bc i just keep yapping then by the time im done the therapist always went tyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy#srry ramblings
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i miss them. i miss them so fucking much. im going to keel over and fall apart.
#i wanna be in a relationship again#i wanna have friend groups again#i want people i hang out with and talk to often and we do things together actually#its easier to just blame myself all the time since im the commone factor but deel down ik not all of those were on me. they were inevitable#i feel so lonely.#im scared ill start doing really bad things just to feel something again#vent#this prolly counts
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i literally need there to stop being situations circumstances events developments complications and happenstances. for the fucking love of god
#purrs#but there will never stop being any of those things so actually what i literally need is to learn HARD AND FAST how to stop getting so#fucking triggered over a situation i know is NOTHING so bad that im anxious for the entire rest of the day and can’t even get any work done.#like (jade from tesco voice) girls… im not gonna lie to you. i think therapy is not working. i think i am not mentally or emotionally strong#enough to work in this job and i think i am never going to get mentally or emotionally stronger. ive been stuck in the quicksand too long#and now im atrophying. i cannot develop the situational awareness and motor skills or awakeness (and i mean AWAKEness.) to safely and#consistently drive a car. i cannot develop the intellect and drive and courage to get an advanced degree or be in a leadership position that#everyone actually sees as a leadership position lmfao. and i cannot develop the emotional intelligence and inner peace to not get triggered#out of my fucking mind at work to the point where im having anxiety heart palpitations and fighting back tears. i am just stuck as i am#forever. and you know how i know that? BECAUSE IVE WORKED AT THE NATIONALLY RENOWNED CENTER FOR YOU-ARE-NOT-STUCK-AS-YOU-ARE-FOREVER FOR#FIVE FUCKING YEARS SINCE ITS LITERAL FOUNDING AND HELPED TO FOUND IT AND IM STILL LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!! i go back to square one EVERY#FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!! how am i supposed to tell other people who they are is what they bring and the world can change and whatever when i am#the fucking antithesis of that. when i don’t even believe my own words. like the way i want to punch out every window in this building rn i#HATE BEING LIKe this i hate being in the psychic prison of scared little girl mode all the time forever no matter what and being beyond help#and disappointing and burdening the people around me because i can’t be fucking normal about like. hierarchy and institutional politics LOL#delete later
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