#but to be fair. i've been walking for too long periods of time lately. my legs are too tired. i walk less than a half of what i used to las

[reblog-house]

Today is the perfect example of why i shouldn't go without medication.

[imaginespazzi]

Part 8: The Toxic In Intoxication

Masterlist - Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 9

Your mouth is poison (your mouth is wine)

(In which an all over the place writer, writes something that's a little bit all over the place)

Pairing: Paige Bueckers X Azzi Fudd

Themes: Angst, Fluff, Jealousy,

Words: 9.0K

TW: Swearing, a little bit of violence, mentions of blood, men being men

A/N: Hi lovelies :) Unfortunately, as I've been warning y'all for a while, the deadline did finally slip through my fingers. However I'm hoping y'all will forgive me for it because I am only one day late and this chapter is quite long. I do wanna warn y'all in advance that there won't be a chapter next week because I am going on vacation and my laptop is staying very, very far away from me. There's a lot going on in this chapter and I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing but I'm hoping y'all will enjoy it anyways. I did actually edit this time but who knows how successful that was, so please let me know about typos/mistakes. As always, feel free to tell me about what you liked, what you disliked and anything you'd like to see going forward. Have a lovely rest of your weeks my loves <3

August 2025

Azzi Fudd is a spectacular liar. She excels at keeping up a façade of yes everything is perfectly fine in front of her friends and family. She’s quite good at tricking people she can barely stand into thinking oh yes i’m totally enjoying this conversation. But the person Azzi lies the most to, is without a doubt herself. As she steps out of the car into the hot Indiana air, bustling with noises from the growing crowd inside, Azzi internally repeats a lie to herself again: she did not show up to all-star weekend for a glimpse of her ex girlfriend. She’s here, as per Colleen’s managerial advice, to build connections, to further her career and to expand on opportunities in the basketball world. The fact that Paige Bueckers, who Azzi hasn’t seen in three months -the longest period of time they’d spent apart since she’d started at UConn- is definitely also going to be attending tonight’s party, is merely a happenstance. 

Taking a deep breath, Azzi puts one kitten heeled foot in front of the other, trying to ignore her heightened nerves. This isn’t her preferred scene by any means. She’d much rather be back in her hotel room, curled on her couch with a book and a pint of ice cream. It’s not that Azzi doesn’t like parties; she has her fair share of fun at Ted’s, but it’s the unfamiliarity of the environment and the lack of that once ever present comforting hand that used to tap out i’m here for you against the back of her own at big events like these, that has her yearning to crawl back into the car and hide away. 

“Azzi?” a familiar voice calls from behind her and Azzi lets out a sigh of relief as she sees Aaliyah walking towards her with a large welcoming grin, “Azeray!”

“Li-Li. Thank god you’re here,” Azzi reaches up to hug her former teammate, mentally thanking whatever god was looking out for her. She’d dreaded walking in by herself and now she wouldn’t have to. Really she probably should probably send Coach a ‘thank you’ text for having so many alumni in the league that there was bound to be a Husky she could attach herself to for the night. 

“I’m glad to see you too Az,” Aaliyah says, pulling away and looking at Azzi with a semi-concerned look, “but you seem a little extra relieved to see me? You good dude?”

“Just- just a little nervous,” Azzi admits, shuffling her feet uneasily. 

Realization dawns on Aaliyah’s face, “cause of Paige?”

“No you know I don’t like big unfamiliar places,” Azzi sighs when Aaliayh gives her a pointed look, “but I guess maybe- maybe a little cause of Paige.”

The Mystics forward shakes her head before linking her arms through Azzi’s, “I swear, I leave y’all for one year and everything implodes-," she bites her tongue, "shit was that insensitive?”

“No,” Azzi grimaces, “that’s pretty much exactly what happened.”

Something hard coils in her stomach at Aaliyah’s words. The truth is they’d been fine. Better than fine even. And then suddenly Azzi was lighting a box of matches she hadn’t even known she was holding and her whole world was on fire; an implosion of everything Azzi had once thought inflammable. She’d burned her hands trying to rescue them and all she has to show for it are invisible red hot pustules that refuse to heal. But perhaps, she thinks, that’s what a pyromaniac like her had deserved. 

Azzi cowers under the flashing lights of the cameras, clinging tighter to Aaliyah’s arm as the two of them make their way onto the orange carpet, the cameramen immediately swinging their devices to capture the college basketball player more than likely to be the number one pick in next year’s WNBA draft. She feels herself tense under their piercing gaze, anchored only by Aaliyah's strong and steady presence next to her. And as they pose for the cameras, she’s thankful for her former teammate’s company but she can’t shake the feeling that it should have been someone else. 

“And look who we have here,” Lexie Brown says excitedly as the two of them approach the interviewer, “y’all Huskies clean up nice.”

“We try, we try,” Aaliyah answers charismatically, doing a little hair flip to match her tone. 

“Aaliyah, it's your first all-star nod, how are you feeling?” 

“I feel great, you know it’s always good to see yourself being acknowledged and being an all-star has always been a goal of mine. So, I hope it’s the first of many and I’m just hoping my team gets the W tomorrow,” Aaliyah answers diplomatically.

Lexie turns to Azzi, “I bet you’re really proud of her. I mean you’ve got a couple of teammates who are first-time all stars between Aaliyah and Paige. You’ve gotta be feeling pretty proud of them”

“Y-yeah I mean,” Azzi clears her throat, trying not to flinch at the mention of Paige’s name, “It’s been- it’s been really exciting to watch them and I’m extremely proud-”

She’s cut off by the sound of excited chatter filling up the air and Azzi doesn’t have to turn around to know who’s just entered the premises. Not when she has a whole separate sensory system that flares up just for her. Azzi’s skin prickles as she registers the sound of familiar peals of laughter echoing from the orange carpet. She digs her nails into the palm of her hand, forcing herself not to turn around. 

“Speak of the devil,” Lexie says goodnaturedly, getting her hand ready to beckon the blonde over and Azzi feels panic suffocate her lungs, not quite ready to face Paige yet. 

“Oh I don’t think-” Aaliyah tries to cut in, glancing worriedly at her friend but it’s too late. 

“Paige,” Lexie calls out, beaming over Azzi’s head at the Dallas Wings’ newest star point guard. 

The world seems to move in slow motion as Azzi feels Paige getting closer and closer to her. She smells the faint scent of fresh mint weaved with a hint of citrus first. Then she hears the sound of Paige’s breathing, perfectly even to anybody else but Azzi can hear the staggered harshness hidden beneath it. And as the blonde passes over her to settle on Lexi’s other side, she feels Paige’s arm brush against her own and it hurts to breathe. The contact lasts for a second but Azzi swears it’ll last forever, tattooing itself on her bicep as a wretched reminder of a touch she’s no longer allowed to crave. 

It’s funny, there’s a hurricane swirling between them and Paige can barely look at Azzi, keeping her eyes firmly on Lexie and Aaliyah as she greets the trio. And yet, there’s a sense of calm -of peace- that seems to wash over Azzi just by having Paige near her again. The older woman seems to possess some sort of magical power that weaves itself into Azzi’s nervous system, soothing away her frazzled nerves with an unspoken promise of and if you give me the chance i’ll make it all okay. 

Despite the hectic transition from a full college season to a frantic W season, Paige looks ethereal as always. Her two piece cropped vest top and straight fitted pants match the color of her eyes and a silver chain dangles across her chest. Two strands of blonde hair hide her signature diamond studs, the rest of it pulled back into a slightly messy bun. Azzi gulps at the way the vest top parts right above her midriff, Paige’s toned abs playing peek-a-boo behind it. She lets her eyes roam over Paige’s exposed arms, trying to ignore memories of how they used to go taut under her touch, down to the blonde’s bare fingers and she feels her heart constrict. No rings. It feels wrong. But then again, nothing has felt right for three months. 

“Azzi,” Aaliyah hisses and Azzi snaps out of her thoughts, realizing she’d been asked a question. 

“Sorry,” she laughs nervously, moving a strand of her hair out of her face; Paige’s eyes intently following the movement, “what was the question.”

Lexie smiles, “I was just asking about your thoughts on Paige’s amazing rookie year so far?”

“Oh um-” Azzi hesitates, shivers inching up her spine as she feels Paige drinking in the sight of the her body like she's a woman parched, “I’m just-” their eyes lock with each other’s and everything else seems to vanish until it feels like it’s just the two of them floating in between remnants of what they used to be, “I’m just really proud of her. I always knew she’d be amazing. She’s just doing what she always does. Being the best player she can be. So yeah I’m just- I’m just really proud of her.”

And Azzi doesn’t know how they got to this point where Paige seems almost shocked that Azzi could be proud of her, to this point where there’s droplets threatening to spill over both of their water lines and they no longer have the right to wipe each other’s tears away. 

“Aww,” Lexie coos, oblivious to the tension, “well on that sweet note, off y’all go and we’ll see y’all later.”

The walk into the party is kept alive with Aaliyah’s attempt at keeping a conversation going. While Paige tries to at least entertain some of, Azzi finds herself completely zoning out until they finally make their way inside into the cacophony of music and laughter. 

“Y’all wanna get-” Aaliyah begins.

“I see Jewell and Téa,” Paige cuts her off immediately, her legs already moving in a rush, “I’ll see y’all later.”

She gives Aaliyah a tentative grin but barely looks at Azzi as she practically trips over her pant-sleeves trying to get away. It feels like something’s biting against her skin, sharp teeth indenting you did this to yourself as Azzi watches Paige walk away. She watches as the tension slowly leaves the blonde’s muscles as she’s pulled into a hug by Jewell and then by Téa. The fake smile that she’d politely kept on her face the last couple of minutes for the sake of the cameras and reporters is replaced by something far more genuine. Azzi watches as Paige is absorbed into the warmth of the growing crowd, embraced by a league that adores her, and she feels the ice cold pinch of she belongs somewhere without you now start to freeze her own heart. 

***

Azzi’s doing fine. She’s gotten through the night with Aaliyah by her side, making small talk with a bunch of different players and she’s managed to keep a friendly smile the whole time. She’d even danced for a little bit, letting loose with some of the other college basketball players that had made the trip to Indianapolis. Sure, she’d occasionally been distracted by her eyes flickering over to the bar and finding a new pretty influencer batting their fake eyelashes at Paige but really she’s doing fine. Her head’s a little dizzy and maybe the third shot of tequila, influenced by a one leggy brunette that had gotten a little too handsy, wasn’t her brightest decision of the night but really, Azzi’s doing fine. 

Until she’s not. 

And it’s Paige's fault. She had to know that it would be Azzi’s last straw. She had to know that Azzi could live with watching a thousand girls flirt with Paige as long as the blonde in question stood rigidly by the bar doing nothing but smiling politely at them. She had to know that Azzi, after having spent most of their college life watching girls fawn over her girlfriend, could deal with the flirty hands that lingered just a little too long on Paige’s bicep. But it’s when Paige leans into this one girl -whose dark curls and tanned caramel skin are just a little too reminiscent of her own- when Paige’s lips graze just a little to close this one girl’s ear, that Azzi realizes she’s decidedly not fine. 

“I need some air,” she manages to bite out, ignoring Aaliyah’s concerned look as she marches out the back door, heading towards the deck. 

Azzi buries her face in her hands as she leans back against the brick wall. She knows she’s being unfair; knows she has absolutely no right to feel this way but something burns within her anyways and the light breeze does nothing to cool it down. 

“I’m not cheating on you,” a harsh voice interrupts her pity party and Azzi sucks in a sharp breath, “We’re not together and I can flirt or kiss or fuck-” she flinches, “anyone if I want to.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Paige’s voice is laced with accusation, “because the way you just stormed out says otherwise.”

Azzi continues to keep her head in her palms, refusing to look at the blonde, “it’s hot and stuffy in there. I just needed some fresh air.”

“Don’t you ever get tired of lying,” Paige spits out. 

“Well what do you want me to say instead?” Azzi finally looks up, her even cadence in stark contrast to Paige’s fiery tone, “I know we’re not together-”

“Because that’s what you wanted-”

“I know,” Azzi yells, and then quieter, “I know. I know I- I know I did this. But that- that doesn’t make it any easier to see you with someone else,” she swallows, “doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss you.”

Paige scoffs, rubbing her face as she begins to pace, “you miss me? I was at Mohegan when y’all had summer camp. The whole team showed up to the game except for you and you want me to believe that you miss me?”

“I didn’t think you’d want me there,” Azzi confesses in a whisper, “you were so mad at me after-after everything- and I just- I didn’t want to ruin coming back to Connecticut for you.”

“For me,” Paige lets out a laugh devoid of any emotion, “god Azzi there you go again with this fake ‘selfless’ bullshit.”

A thousand and one retorts die on the tip of Azzi’s tongue as she shakes her head and pushes herself off the wall. She can smell the alcohol on Paige, can tell the blonde is itching for an argument but all she feels is pure exhaustion. 

 “I don’t wanna fight Paige. I’m tired and I just-” she bites her lip, fighting the urge to caress Paige’s cheek, “believe it or don’t but- I really do miss you.”

Sparks of electricity dance their way through Azzi’s veins when Paige curls a hand around her wrist, stopping her in her tracks from going inside. And suddenly she doesn’t feel so cold anymore. 

“Dance with me,” Paige whispers. 

“What?” 

Paige shrugs, tugging on Azzi’s hand to pull her closer, “you said you don’t wanna fight and I- I don’t want you to go,” the confession hangs between them as Paige’s hands fall to Azzi’s waist, “so- let’s just- let’s pretend.”

“What are we pretending?” Azzi asks quietly and despite the warnings ringing in her head, she wraps her arms around Paige’s neck. It feels like coming home. 

“We’re pretending that we’re okay,” Paige says softly, holding Azzi’s hips as she begins to sway them gently, “we’re pretending that three months ago you said yes.”

“Paige-”

“Close your eyes Azzi,” the blond waves her hand gently across Azzi’s face, willing both of their eyelids to flutter shut, “we’re pretending that we’re not here- we’re in Minnesota or DC or I don’t know just- anywhere. And our families are here, laughing and talking and some sappy romantic song is playing. It's the best day of our lives and we’re both- we're both dressed in white-”

“Paige,” Azzi lets out a sob, as she begins to understand the picture Paige is painting for them; a picture drawn on a canvas that Azzi had torn up before any color could touch it

“Sshhhh just- let me have this okay,” Paige’s voice trembles as she leans her forehead against Azzi’s, “if I can’t have it for real, please just let me pretend.”

If they were both just a little bit more sober, maybe Azzi would fight Paige’s tightening grip. If they were both just a little bit more sober, maybe Paige would let go. Instead Azzi lets Paige play pretend, lets them keep their bodies pressed against each other, moving from side to side in rhythm with the wind. 

It isn’t until she hears footsteps approaching them that Azzi hurriedly moves away first and she can see the betrayal of if only you’d just let me hold you in front of the world written all over Paige’s face. They’re both quick to swap their tears for smiles that don’t reach their eyes as they turn to face the intruders. And Azzi wonders if Paige wishes she’d drank a little bit more too. Because maybe if they were both just a little more drunk, then tomorrow they wouldn’t have to remember just how right it had felt to play pretend tonight. 

April 2033 

“You look so pretty Mama,” Stephie gushes from where she’s perched on the bed as she watches Azzi put the finishing touches to her makeup

“Thanks baby,” Azzi smiles, blowing a kiss in the mirror. 

“Miss Buecks,” Stephie flips the running facetime call, skipping over to her mother with the phone in her hand, “doesn’t Mama look beautiful?”

Sixteen years later, and maybe it’s because of all the time they’d missed in between, but Azzi can’t help the bout of shyness that flushes across her features when Stephie places the phone, Paige’s face illuminated all over it, against the mirror so the blonde can get a proper look at Azzi’s outfit.

“You look-” Paige clears her throat, eyes dilated as they rake over Azzi’s whole body, “you look phenomenal.”

“Big word Bueckers,” Azzi teases, trying to disguise her blush, “did you just learn it?”

Paige rolls her eyes, “can’t even give you a compliment without an insult Fudd.”

“You guys argue too much,” Stephie says exasperatedly, shaking her head at the two adults who laugh. The younger girl sometimes seems far wise beyond her age. 

“We’re not arguing Stephie, we’re just-” Azzi struggles to think of a word. 

“Foreplaying,” Paige mutters under her breath and Azzi immediately glares at her. 

“Paige!”

Stephie scrunches up her nose at the screen, “what does that mean?”

“Nothing,” Azzi says shrilly, “Miss Buecks is just making up words.”

“Why would Miss Buecks do that?” Stephie asks, looking back and forth between her mother and the screen. 

“Why does Miss Buecks do anything,” Azzi babbles, as she begins to usher Stephie out of her room, “go grab your things Stephie-bean. Mama’s almost ready to drop you off at Nana and Pop’s house.”

Stephie pouts, “I wanna go to the party with you and Miss Buecks. It’s no fair you both get to go and I don’t,” she picks up the phone, looking at Paige with wide guilt-tripping eyes, “don’t you love me Miss Buecks?”

Azzi has to hand it to her daughter. She’s a smart one to choose Paige as the victim of her emotional blackmail, knowing her wiles had long stopped working on her mother. 

“You know I’d take you with me if I could Stephie,” Paige says, “but I’ll make it up to you tomorrow I swear.”

Stephie smiles and Azzi shakes her head at how quickly the five-year old’s plan had worked, “you’ll take me to the park and then we’ll get fries and then get ice cream?”

“That’s a lot of junk food Steph-”

“Ssshh Mama,” Stephie chides, “this is between me and Miss Buecks.”

“The park, then fries, then ice cream it is,” Paige concedes and Azzi rolls her eyes. 

Stephie grins brightly, puckering her lips to kiss Paige through the phone and eliciting a laugh from the older woman when she cheers, “you’re the best-est-est Miss Buecks. See you in a little bit. Don’t hang up without saying goodnight.”

“I promise I won’t,” Paige calls out after the little girl as Stepehie hands the phone back to Azzi and starts skipping towards her room. 

Azzi gives the blonde a look, “we have got to have a conversation about you learning to say no to her.”

Paige shrugs unhelpfully, “I don’t want to learn how to say no to her.”

“You’re a lost cause,” Azzi remarks, hands on hips, “and foreplay? Seriously? Us bickering is not foreplay.”

“Well it could be if you’d just let me fuck you after,” Paige grumbles and Azzi’s mouth falls open at the bluntness of it. 

“You say the most romantic things to me Paige Bueckers.”

They’re both quiet for a second as Azzi moves around her room, collecting her wallet and keys and to put into her purse. 

“You know there’s still time for me to come pick you up,” Paige says finally.

“Paige,” Azzi sighs, not wanting a rerun of the same argument they’ve been having for the last week. She knows it’s a touchy subject for Paige; that it veers a little too close to insecurities that stem from their past but she’s not quite ready to take this step yet. There isn’t quite any rhyme or reason to her logic except well, she’s haunted by memories of the last time they’d let the personal mix with the professional. Her phone still holds invitations to countless team reunions that she’d actively avoided and a group chat that she’s long muted. Azzi hasn’t stepped foot in the state of Connecticut since she’d entered the draft; she refuses to lose California too. 

“Teammates can carpool,” Paige explains vehemently, “it’s easily explainable.’

“I know-”

“Is this about Clémence?” bitterness tinges the edge of Paige’s voice as she chews her bottom lip. And there it is, the other subject they’d been tip-toeing around since it had been brought up at breakfast a week ago. Paige and Azzi are both excellent at avoiding talking about the harder topics but they’ve never quite managed to let anything go forever. 

“Why would this be about Clémence?” 

Paige narrows her eyes, sitting up from where she’d previously been lounging against her pillow, “maybe you don’t want her to see us together? Maybe you’re trying to spare her feelings I don’t know.”

“Paige-”

“You know what it’s fine,” Paige huffs, “I’ll see you at the bar Azzi.”

She hangs up before Azzi can say anything and the brunette lets out a litany of curses under her breath, annoyed with Paige’s ability to go from A to Z by skipping everything in between. There’s a part of her that knows Paige deserves an explanation about Clémence, a chance to have her lingering doubts confirmed or denied, but amidst the egoistic thoughts of well she married someone else and the self preservationist urge to prevent a potential fight, she hadn’t been brave enough to approach the topic just quite yet. Azzi’s about to step out of the room, when her phone pings with a facetime call from Paige again. 

“Are you calling to apologize for hanging up?” Azzi asks with a frown. 

“No,” Paige replies stubbornly, “I called because I hung up without saying goodnight to Stephie and just because I’m mad at you doesn’t mean I’m gonna miss saying goodnight to her.”

Something wonderful and warm blooms in Azzi’s chest as she silently walks over to Stephie’s room. This is a new chapter in Paige’s storybook that she’s slowly beginning to read; one scribbled with the blonde’s devotion to Azzi’s baby girl. Azzi still has every other chapter memorized; had thought nothing could be more beautiful than the words within the one that had been dedicated to her. But she’d been wrong. Because every day that she watches Paige and Stephie fall more and more in love with each other, she finds herself falling in love with how much they love each other. 

“Miss Buecks,” Stephie squeals, practically snatching the phone from her mother’s hand as she goofily grins at the screen, “you didn’t hang up.”

“I promised I wouldn’t,” Paige says, the hardness that had existed in her voice while talking to Azzi, dissolving into adulation, “you be good for Nana and Pops okay?”

“I’m always good,” Stephie says matter-of-factly, “can you come over really, really, early tomorrow?”

Paige laughs, “I’ll be there as soon as I wake up.”

“Good,” Stephie claps contentedly as she grabs Azzi’s hand to start walking towards the car, “good night Miss Buecks.”

“Good night Stephie-bean,” Paige echoes, blowing a kiss through the screen. 

“Paige,” Azzi says urgently, trying to stop the older woman from hanging up, “can you just hold on a second while I buckle Stephie in.”

“Az-”

“Please.”

“Fine,” Paige says, averting Azzi’s gaze as she sulks. 

Azzi lifts Stephie onto the car seat, fastening her seatbelt and pressing a kiss to her daughter’s cheek, before she closes the car door and uses it as a stabilizing structure to lean on as she pulls her phone back in front of her. 

“Hey,” she whispers. 

“Hi,” Paige says back begrudgingly, “you wanted to say something?”

“I-” Azzi swallows, “don’t go the bar-”

“Oh fantastic,” Paige cuts her off, her voice furious as she glares daggers at Azzi through the phone, “not only do you not want to go to the bar together, you don’t want me to go at all. Fine. Okay. Whatever. I won’t go. You have the time of your life with fucking Clementine or whatever-”

“Yet,” Azzi says loudly, trying to speak over Paige’s angry rant, “don’t go to the bar yet.”

“What?” 

Azzi licks her lips, “don’t go yet. I’m gonna drop Stephie off at my parents-”

“What does that have to-”

“Will you just let me fucking finish?” Azzi almost bangs her fist on the car in frustration and she’s glad to see that it makes Paige look just a little bit sheepish, “as I was saying. I’m gonna drop Stephie off at my parents and uh- your house- it’s um- it’s on the way to the bar so I thought,” she shrugs with fake nonchalance, the edge of her mouth turning upwards, “I thought maybe- maybe I could pick you up on the way.”

Paige stares blankly at the screen, eyes blinking as Azzi’s words slowly register, “you- you wanna go to the bar together?”

“I didn’t say that,” Azzi teases, eyes twinkling as she basks in the thrill of eliciting that Azzi smile from Paige’s lips, “teammates carpool right?”

“Teammates definitely carpool.”

April 2029 

“You invited Clémence to our movie night?” Jana asks in a whisper, as she walks into the kitchen where Azzi’s making popcorn. Her Saturday nights have gotten rather boring since she’s had Stephie, consisting of alternating between movie nights with Jana and dinner with her parents. It wasn’t the most thrilling of times but she looked forward to them all week, excited to not have to spend a night in solitude.

“She asked what I was doing tonight and I told her we were having a movie night and then she asked if she could join and well I couldn’t just say no,” Azzi explains, sticking the bag into the microwave. 

Jana cocks an eyebrow, “do you want me to leave?”

“Why would I want you to leave?” Azzi asks, crinkling her nose as she juts out an ear just in case the baby monitor goes off. 

“C’mon Az,” Jana says pointedly, leaning on her elbows against the kitchen counter, “you’re telling me there’s nothing going on between the two of you?”

Azzi grimaces uneasily, not quite wanting to answer the question, “nothing that would require you to leave.”

“If that’s the way you want to play it,” Jana relents, grabbing a soda from the fridge on her way back to the living room, before she pauses in the doorway to look back at Azzi, “but I know what it looks like when somebody’s in love with you. And that girl out there,” she nods her head towards where Clémence is daintily sitting on the couch, “she’s definitely getting there.”

Jana’s a rather observant person but Azzi knows that she’s at least a little bit wrong this time. Because Clémence might be a little bit in love with -even if that’s not a fact Azzi particularly wants to acknowledge- but it's impossible for her to look at Azzi the way Jana remembers someone else looking at her. That had been something completely different; a gaze that saw all the little chinks in her armor, all the imperfections carved against her walls and loved her inspite of them, maybe even because of them. Clémence might love her, but Azzi doesn’t think anyone can be in love with her the way the person she’d been hopelessly in love with, had. 

When she walks back into the living room with the popcorn in hand, still plagued by her younger teammate’s words, Azzi’s deliberate to sit on the couch next to Jana instead of the open space next to the francophone. The flash of hurt in Clémence’s eye causes guilt to trickle down her spine but Azzi thinks a flash is better than the tsunami of pain she could cause if she doesn’t start to ease herself out of this right now. There’s a selfish part of her that doesn’t want to, that’s going to miss having somebody who hangs onto her every word. Azzi likes this feeling of being wanted, even if it’s not by the person she wants. But that person isn’t hers to want anymore and she won’t torture Clémence by barricading her in the same jail that has held Azzi’s soul captive for the last four years. 

They’re about half way through the movie, awkward tension eased by Jana’s incessant chatter, when Azzi’s phone buzzes. Already confused at the timing of the call, she’s even more perplexed to see Ice’s name flashing on the screen. 

“Oooh Iceyyy,” Jana’s eyes light up when she catches a glimpse of the CallerID, “put her on speaker. Ice is one of our UConn teammates,” she explains, turning to Clémence who nods in recognition, “she probably did something dumb as fuck and need Azzi’s advice.”

“Don’t be mean,” Azzi scolds with a grin, knowing that Jana’s probably right as she picks up the call, “hello-”

“I hate you,” Azzi freezes at the sound of the familiar voice, laced with unfamiliar malice. Next to her Jana stiffens immediately while Clémence observes the scene in front of her with a guarded frown. 

“Paige who the fuck are you calling?” Ice’s voice is muffled in the background, “oh shit, Paige give me back my phone.”

“No. She needs to hear this,” Paige grits out, her pitch wavering with the effects of alcohol, “she needs to hear how much I fucking hate her. Azzi do you hear me? I can hear you breathing. I know you’re there. Did you hear what I said?”

“Paige,” Ice hisses again. 

Azzi swallows the lump in her throat, fingers digging into her bare thighs as she grips her phone so hard, she half-expects it to break into pieces in a reflection of her heart, “I heard you Paige.”

“Good. Because I do. I really fucking hate you,” Paige repeats again and Azzi flinches, “you ruined me Azzi. And now you’re ruining my marriage. My wife is perfect. She loves me. She loves being seen with me. She loves being known as my wife. Everything I ever wanted from you, she’s willing to give me. But she saw that damn hug at the Olympics and she- she’s upset with me. She thinks- she thinks I’m not over you.”

“Az maybe you should-” Jana says softly but Azzi immediately raises a hand to stop her. Maybe she’s a masochist but she can hear the hurt laced underneath the anger in Paige's voice. And if what Paige needs to get rid of her pain is a target to aim all her arrows at, then Azzi’s willing to sacrifice her heart, or at least what little is still left of it. 

“And the worst thing about it,” Paige’s voice breaks, “is that she's probably right. I have the perfect fucking woman at home and I can’t seem to get over the one who broke my heart and never looked back. Isn’t that pathetic?”

“Paige,” Ice pleads again and Azzi can hear her former teammate trying her best to wrangle the phone out of Paige’s firm grasp. 

“I’m not done yet Ice. I need to talk to her and I need to talk to her now because if I don’t, I’ll never get the courage to say any of this again,” Paige is sobbing now, and her broken whimpers pierce Azzi’s heart deeper than any words could,  “why couldn’t you just have said yes Az? I know- I know your reasons but why- why couldn’t you have just loved me enough to look past them? How do you do it Azzi? How do you live without me because it’s been four years and I- I still don’t think I know how to live without you and I hate you, I hate you because you do.”

No, Azzi thinks, I really don’t. But she doesn’t say anything, rapidly blinking back tears as she avoids both Jana’s concerned look and Clémence’s more thoughtful gaze. 

“I wish I could just feel nothing towards you Azzi,” Paige confesses, heaving as she struggles to breathe through her tears, “I don’t want to hate you. I don’t want to miss you and I really- I really, really don’t want to love you. Please just make it stop. I’m so tired of this Azzi. I’m so tired of hurting. How do I make it go away? Please tell me how I make it go away? How did you make it go away?”

“I didn’t,” Azzi whispers, so soft she’s not sure Paige heard it; she’s not sure if she wants Paige to have heard it. It’s the kind of pain, she thinks, she’s destined to feel forever. It’s weaved itself into every crevice of body and now it exists as just another innate part of her. Paige thinks Azzi’s learned to live without her but really all Azzi’s learned is how to live with these permanent scars of i think i’ll miss you forever. 

“That’s enough Paige,” Ice’s voice is clearer now, having finally snatched the phone out of her teammate’s grip, “Azzi-” she begins apologetically, “she’s just drunk. She didn’t mean-”

“She did,” Azzi clears her throat, sinking into the way Jana's arms wrap around her, “she’s um- she’s gonna be really hungover in the morning. Make sure she- make sure you give her water but don’t- don’t give her coffee. She’ll want it but it’ll only make it worse because she uh- she- when she drinks too much, her stomach hurts and the caffeine- it just- it makes it worse so- don’t let her drink coffee tomorrow morning okay? And make sure- make sure she eats something before she takes painkillers. And Ice?’

“Yeah Azzi.”

“If she doesn’t remember any of this tomorrow morning, please don’t remind her.”

***

April 2033

The bar is buzzing with noise by the time Paige and Azzi finally arrive. It’s an exclusive enough place that they won’t be too bothered by fans asking for pictures and autographs but the size of the crowd still puts Azzi a little bit on edge. She can’t help the small smile that flitters across her face when she feels Paige’s hand resting on her lower back as the blonde guides the two of them through the crowd in search of their teammates. For the last eight years, Azzi has been her own protector and she’s learned to guard herself but it’s nice -it feels right- to have someone else ready to be her shield too. 

“You know Bueckers,” Joyce says as the two of them finally approach the table that had been reserved for the Valkyries, “some might say that one should be on time when meeting their new teammates. Just a thought.”

“And some might say Edwards that being fashionably late is being on time,” Paige quips back. 

Joyce grins, “alright time for introductions.”

“I’m pretty sure I know-”

“Shut up,” Joyce reprimands, throwing an arm around Paige’s shoulders, “let me introduce these brand new people to you.”

“They’re not-”

“Sssshhh. Let me have my fun. We’ll start over here with Westbeld and Booker. You might know them, their teams kicked your ass during the 23-24 season,” Joyce says with a smirk. 

“Oh I do remember that,” Paige says thoughtfully, eyes twinkling with mirth, “what happened the season after?”

“Don’t be cocky Bueckers. It’s unbecoming,” Madison chides as she rises from the table to give Paige a hug. 

“Yeah I try not to remember that Elite Eight game thanks,” Laila says, making a disgusted face. 

Joyce glares at her, “did I introduce you yet Miss Phelia?”

Laila raises her hands in surrender as Joyce continues to give Paige a tour of the Valkyrie team. Azzi had known that Paige would fit in well with her teammate -really the blonde had the uncanny ability to fit in anywhere- but seeing it realized in front of her, it seems even clearer. Paige feels like the last mosaic piece, slotting in right where she belongs. 

“Those two over there are our babies,” Joyce points to Haylen and Jayla, “they’re like five years old but we love them anyways.”

“I’m almost 25,” Haylen protests. 

“See,” Joyce remarks, “literally children. And that one,” she points to Jana who beams at Paige, “well you already know her even if you sometimes wish you didn’t probably-”

“Hey!”

“Oh shush Jana,” Joyce says airily, “and I supposed there’s no point in introducing Azzi to you since y’all came together,” she pauses to look between them, “y’all don’t live that close to each other. Why didn’t you just carpool with Jana? I’m pretty sure she lives closer to you.”

Paige opens and closes her mouth a couple of times as Azzi feels her own cheeks heat up at the innocent enough question, “we um- well it's just- you see- my house is on the way from her parents and she had to drop off Stephie so it just- it just made sense you know? For efficiency’s sake.”

“Oh yeah for efficiency’s sake. They’re both very efficient,” Jana smirks, “makes a lot of sense.”

Joyce gives all three of them a weird look, “y’all Huskies are strange. It was just a question but anyways,” she grins as she finally steers Paige towards the blonde in the corner and Azzi stiffens at the way Paige’s body immediately tenses, “a couple of our teammates aren’t here but we do have a former teammate. Paige meet Clémence.”

“We’ve met,” Paige says, attempting to school her features to resemble anything but the discomfort she’s feeling within, “during the Olympics that is. We’ve beat France a couple of times.”

It’s a purposeful word choice, beat instead of played and Azzi's fingers fidget with the hem of her top as she tries to avoid looking at either of the two women. 

“Yes. It is good to see you again,” Clémence says tersely, her French accent stronger than the last time Azzi had spoken to her. She shakes Paige’s hand rather formally before her eyes focus on Azzi and she determinedly walks towards the brunette, “and it is really good to see you Azzi. I have missed you.”

“I-” Azzi stutters at the French woman pulls her into a hug; over her shoulder she can practically see steam coming out of Paige’s ears as she hyper focuses on how Clémence makes it a point rub her thumb down Azzi’s back, “it’s um- it’s good to see you too.”

She pulls away and she can feel the disappointment reverberating from Clémence’s body as Azzi practically flings herself on the chair next to Jana, wondering what she’d done to deserve this moment as a punishment for her sins. 

“Save me,” she pleads as Clémence and Paige sit as far away from each other as possible, occasionally shooting glares when they think the other isn’t looking. 

“Save you from having two hot women fighting over you?” the center teases, “you truly have such first world problems Azzi Fudd.”

“They’re not fighting over me-”

“Azzi you will have your usual rum and coke no?” Clémence asks and Azzi looks over to where the francophone is intently staring at her, “I will go-”

“Oh there’s no need,” Paige says immediately, “you sit Clémence. You already have a drink. I was gonna go get one for myself and I’ll get Azzi’s too. Besides, Azzi's more of a fruity drink girl. Az I’ll get you a piña colada-”

Clémence narrows her eyes, “maybe she liked that when she was in college but Azzi likes something different now.”

“She might like something different now,” Paige counters, standing up aggressively so she towers over the table, “but she’s always gonna love a piña colada right Azzi?”

All eyes turn to look at Azzi who wants nothing more than to cower under the table- or hit Jana who seems to find this very unamusinging situation rather entertaining, “I um-” she swallows, “I think tonight calls for something stronger. Round of shots for the table? On me?”

It placates the situation for a while as the rest of the team cheers on the idea, beckoning over one of the bartenders to orders a round of tequila shots for the table. For a moment, Azzi tricks herself into thinking maybe that’ll be the end of ridiculous situations for the night as the team downs shots to Jana yelling “to the Valkyries” but she should have known it was wishful thinking.

Half the team ends up on the dance floor, swaying to the mixed rhythm of the music and the newly minted alcohol coursing through their bloodstreams. Azzi watches with a smile as despite her protests, Joyce manages to drag Paige onto the dance floor with her, engaging her in some eccentric dance moves as they try to outdo each other on who can look the silliest. And as the rest of the girls cheer the blonde on, it feels like Paige is chiseling out a place for herself in another part of Azzi’s world. 

“She is easy to love,” Clémence’s hot breath fans Azzi’s ear as the francophone takes Jana’s empty seat next to the brunette. 

“Clém-” Azzi sighs. 

“She fits in well with the team,” Clémence continues, something wistful in her voice, “I have seen her play. She will fit in well on the court with you guys as well. She will fit in well next to you.”

“That’s the hope,” Azzi says softly as she tilts her head to look at the other woman, “you fit in well too. I mean it Clém. We’ll miss you at GSV.”

Clémence smiles bitterly, “I would have liked to stay but they needed the cap space so they could sign her. She- she’s quite expensive. I mean considering she is casually wearing swarovski crystals on her neck in a bar on a random Saturday night, I am not surprised.”

The two of them laugh despite the gravity that looms heavily over them. Azzi and Clémence haven’t been anything in a long time but she’d never quite shut the possibility of a potential future done. She can hear the lock ready to click now. It’s bittersweet doing the right thing but as Paige glances over from the dancefloor, eyes darting cautiously between the two of them, Azzi knows that she doesn’t want to keep any other doors open. Not when the one with Paige’s name etched on the door handle, leads to home. 

“One last dance?” Clémence asks softly, holding out her hand. 

Azzi hesitates, knowing that it would irritate Paige but she thinks she probably owes Clémence this and so she smiles and takes the francophone’s outstretched hand as they join their other teammates. It’s nothing beyond friendly and they both keep their hands to themselves as they sway to the music, but Azzi can feel the annoyance radiating off of Paige from across the dancefloor. She would never admit it, perhaps it’s a little toxic of her, but there’s a certain thrill to making Paige jealous. There’s something about the way the blonde’s blue eyes flare with ice cold envy, the way her jaw hardens as she grinds her teeth. The way she looks at Azzi like if she had her way she’d drag the brunette out of the bar and mark her with a possessive you’re mine you’re mine youre mine. It makes Azzi clench her thighs together as she tries to focus on Clémence. 

“I understand now,” the francophone says thoughtfully as Azzi’s peers up at her in confusion, “when you told me that you could not be with me. I get it.”

“I don’t-”

“You are here with me but you aren’t actually. You will always be with her,” Clémence tilts her head towards Paige, “you always have been. I understand now,” she says again simply before her face hardens, “even after all those words she said to you on the phone that night.”

Azzi’s stomach curls at the reminder. She knows exactly what night Clémence is referring to. Sometimes when she closes her eyes, it’s those words, coated in anger and malice, that shower around her like acid rain, seeping into her skin and infecting her bloodstream.

“I told you, you deserved better,” Clémence says and Azzi gulps, “but you said- you said you deserved worse. I hope you don’t believe that anymore Azzi. Just because you hurt her doesn’t mean you need to let her hurt you too.”

“I-” Azzi’s cut off by a hard body ramming into her own and she feels herself going stumbling back into the unwanted arms of a random man, “I’m sorry,” she says tersely, struggling to get out his grip. 

“No worries pretty girl,” he says toothily, the heavy stench of alcohol in his breath making Azzi feel nauseous, “but now that you’re here, how about I buy you a drink.”

“No thank you,” Azzi says sternly, trying to push the man away but he’s relentless. 

“Aw c’mon don’t be like that sweetheart,” the term of endearment sounds like an insult falling from his lips and Azzi loses her patience, stomping her heel into the man’s foot to finally free herself from his grip and he yelps in surprise.

“I said no thank you.”

“What the fuck,” the man spits out, standing up as Azzi takes a step back. He’s got some muscle and although, despite his bravado, she knows she’s strong enough to take him, she’d rather not create a scene. Her plan is to walk away. Paige seems to have other ideas, suddenly materializing in between Azzi and the man, a furious look on her face as she squares him up. 

“Do we have a problem?” the blonde asks menacingly. 

“Nothing other than your little friend here being a fucking bitch.”

Paige’s eyes darken as she takes a threatening step towards him, prevented from going further only by the way Azzi immediately laces a hand around her wrist, “what the fuck did you call her?”

“I called her a-”

“It doesn’t matter,” Azzi cuts in, stepping in between a glaring Paige and a man who’s clearly underestimating her strength, “let it go Paige.”

“Yeah,” the man mocks, “let it go Paige.”

“You fucking-” Paige tries to lunge at him but Azzi’s quick to shove her back gently. 

“Don’t cause a scene,” she warns. 

“Azzi-”

“Paige please.”

“Holy shit,” the man wolf-whistles, “y’all play for the Valks. You’re Azzi Fudd. I know you.”

“Good for you,” Azzi spits out at him before turning her attention back to Paige, who looks like she could kill the man if given the chance, “c’mon let's go back to our tab-”

“It’s funny you’re acting like such a fucking prude when you have a bastard chi-”

An unmistakable crunch rings out through the bar as the man goes flying backwards. Azzi’s knuckles are bleeding as her breath comes out in ragged huffs. She hadn’t wanted to cause a scene; could have walked away from a man being a drunken idiot, could have walked away from being called a bitch or hell, even something worse. But the man had attacked the one part of her that she’d always be ready to go to war for. He’d brought up Stephie and she’d seen red. Her fist had moved of it's own accord.

Paige doesn’t say anything and Azzi can feel the anger still vibrating from the older woman’s body as she roughly grabs Azzi’s unhurt hand.

“Let’s go,” the blonde’s voice is eerily low, “we’re going home.”

***

It’s a subconscious choice to let Paige drive Azzi’s car even though they’ve both sobered up considerably, not that one shot had done much in the first place. It’s a subconscious choice that Azzi reaches over to lace her fingers through Paige’s free hand, resting it on her lap, as the blonde use her other hand to grip the steering wheel. It’s a subconscious choice that they end up driving to Azzi’s house in complete silence. She’s not sure who’s mad at who, if they’re even mad at each other or that man or just the world but she can feel the fury suffocating the air. 

“Where’s your first-aid kit?” Paige says gruffly as Azzi unlocks the door. 

“Bathroom,” Azzi says quietly and Paige is off towards it before the word has even fully left the brunette’s mouth. Azzi scrambles after her, pausing in the doorway as Paige rummages through drawers, knowing better than to interrupt to help when Paige looks livid like this.

“Sit,” Paige points to the sink once she’s finally found the sanitizer and gauze to clean up dried up blood staining Azzi’s knuckles. 

“I can do it my-”

Paige glares at her, “just sit on the fucking sink Azzi.”

Putting away her own irritation at being told what to do, Azzi lifts herself onto the flat surface of the sink, opening her legs slightly so that Paige can stand between them. Despite still quivering with barely concealed rage, Paige’s touch is gentle as she dabs at the remnants of red liquid on Azzi’s hand. 

“You should’ve just let me punch him when I wanted to,” she says finally. 

“So you could be the one bleeding?” Azzi raises an eyebrow. 

“No because he would’ve never gotten the courage to say shit about Stephie if you’d just let me kill him when he called you a bitch,” Paige bites out venomously. 

“And let you go to jail? I couldn’t do that to Stephie,” Azzi tries to lighten the tension in the room, “she’d miss you too much. 

“This isn’t funny, Azzi,” Paige seethes as she begins to wrap the white gauze around the wound. 

“I know,” the younger woman says, trailing her other hand down Paige’s arms trying to soothe her anger, “but it’s fine-”

“It’s not fucking fine,” Paige yells. 

“Baby-” the word slips out from Azzi’s lips before she can catch it. She hasn’t used it for someone other than Stephie in so long that it feels foreign on her lips and yet, it fits exactly right. 

“Did you call Clémence that too?” and there it is, the real reason behind the volcano erupting as Paige decidedly looks away from Azzi. 

Azzi narrows her eyes, “I don’t know Paige. Did you call Olivia that?”

“That’s different,” Paige grits out, “Olivia was my wife.”

Azzi flinches at the word; hates that somebody else had ever had the honor of being called that even if she knows it’s unfair of her to feel that way when she’s the one that had turned it down first. 

“Exactly,” she says slowly, “you married someone else-” she holds up a hand when Paige protests, “I know. I know I said no but you married someone else Paige. So you don’t get to be mad at me for having something with someone else too.”

Paige is quiet for a moment and Azzi sees the exact moment the fight leaves her body as she lets out a sigh, leaning her head against Azzi’s shoulder. 

“You’re right,” Paige whispers into Azzi’s neck, hands moving to rest against the brunette’s thighs. 

Azzi runs her hand through Paige’s hair, brushing it in tandem with the harmony of her breathing, “we can’t keep throwing the past in each other’s face, Paige.”

“I know,” Paige breath tickles against Azzi’s skin and she shivers in spite of the tense moment,“I just-” the blonde lifts her head to look at Azzi, “I need to know who Clémence was to you. You- you know what Olivia was to me and I- I just need to know the same about Clémence.”

“She-” Azzi hesitates, “we hooked up a couple of times,” she squeezes Paige’s hand when the blonde flinches, “but then she- she wanted more but I couldn’t- I couldn’t do that. Partly because I didn’t- I didn’t feel the same- don’t look so smug,” Azzi chides when a small grin forms on Paige’s face, “and partly because we were on the same team. I didn’t want to complicate things, not like last time. Feel like I should probably have a rule not to date teammates.”

“Right.”

Azzi watches the cogs turning in Paige’s brain and she reaches out a hand to ease the creases forming on her forehead, “what are you thinking Bueckers?”

“I just-” Paige bites her lip, “what about me?”

“What about you?”

“I mean we’re gonna be- I mean we are- we’re on the same team too,” Paige says and Azzi can hear the insecurity of will you leave me again weaved through her voice. 

“You don’t get it yet do you,” Azzi whispers, reaching up to cup Paige’s face, “baby you are the exception to all of my rules.”

[writingwithciara]

Warning Labels ~Nate Macauley~

summary: getting all types of warnings from her friends about nate macauley, y/n knows she shouldn't be falling for him. but she does anyway, knowing it will most likely end badly.

word count: 2.5k

pairings: nate macauley x reader

warnings: swearing, mention of drugs

a/n: just recently watched One Of Us Is Lying & immediately fell in love with nate. not sure why but i'm glad it happened. this takes place in a world where bronwyn doesn't exist (although i love her)

masterlist

"Who'd you get as your science partner?" Addy set her lunch tray down and looked at her friend.

"I got Nate." y/n sighed. "Has he ever handed in a project in his life?"

"Not since the 7th grade." Jake shook his head and laughed. "You're pretty much screwed if you want a good grade. He hardly comes to school, but when he does, he's usually only here to sell drugs."

"I'll just do the project myself and put his name on it."

"That's not fair. He shouldn't get credit for not doing anything."

"Jake, I've been doing the same thing for you for the last 5 years. Don't tell me it isn't right."

"Okay, fine. Let him believe that he can slack off all the time and still manage to get decent grades while not deserving them." Jake picked up his lunch tray and Addy followed. Cooper looked at y/n and shrugged before following the others out of the cafeteria.

During her free period, y/n decided to go find Nate. Luckily he was in the very first place she looked.

"Nate, we need to talk."

"If this is about our science project, you don't have to worry. Let's come up with a topic and I'll do my fair share of the work."

"Are you serious? You haven't done work on a project since the 7th grade."

"Okay, that's not true. In 7th grade, Jake & I were partners on a project & I actually did a lot of the work but he turned it in on the day I was really sick, so he got all the credit. Ever since then, teachers will put me with the rich kids who usually don't do their own work & they just expect that I won't do any of the work. And then the same situation repeats itself over and over."

"That's not right. You should tell somebody."

"Who is the administration going to believe, huh? The rich kid obviously. To them, I'm nothing but a drug dealer."

"Maybe we can change that. I'm not a rich kid & I won't take credit for any work you do, as long as you actually do something on the project."

"Okay. Meet me at the library in town after school. I have a few topics that I want to discuss." Nate climbed on his bike and took off before y/n could respond. She shook her head and headed back inside for her last class of the day.

After school was over, y/n walked towards the library. She was expecting to be waiting for Nate for a few hours but when the library came into view, she saw Nate sitting on the front steps. When he saw her, he jumped up excitedly.

"I really wasn't expecting you to show up on time."

"Well, I got here a little earlier than planned. I know, it's shocking."

"Very, given your reputation to not show up to things."

"I'm a senior in high school. I think my reputation needs a change." Nate chuckled and looked at y/n. "Let's get started."

Nate & y/n spent 3 hours trying to come up with a good science project that wouldn't take too long but would produce some impressive results. They narrowed their list down to a few and decided that they'd pick one and start it tomorrow.

After the library, Nate gave y/n a ride home on his bike.

"Thanks for the ride." she smiled and climbed off, handing the helmet back to him.

"It was no problem. It's on my way home anyway." Nate put the helmet on the back of his bike and looked back at her. "Thanks for not giving up on working with me for this project."

"We gotta change your reputation, right?" she offered him another smile and turned around. "I'll see you tomorrow, right?"

"Same time, same place?"

"If you're referring to school, then yes. But if you're talking about the library, I'll probably be a little late. Got practice for an hour."

"Oh, right. Forgot you were a cheerleader." he chuckled and started his bike. "Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow." Nate was gone before y/n could respond.

"See you tomorrow, Nate Macauley."

The next day at school, Nate showed up to all of his classes and only sold kids drugs during breaks and lunch. When the day was over, y/n went to the gym for practice. Addy looked up from doing her stretches.

"Hey, y/n. Over here."

Y/n approached her friend and started her stretches. "Hey, where is everybody else? There's only 5 girls here."

"I'm not sure. There was only 2 when I got here." Addy grabbed onto her foot and leaned over. "So, I noticed Nate showed up at school today and actually attended classes."

"Yeah. Science class was interesting. I mean, watching the teacher yell at him for missing so many assignments was hilarious. It was even better when he was handed all the workbooks and papers."

"I'm sure he wasn't pleased with it."

"It was funny, but I do kind of feel bad for him." y/n stretched her arms out.

"Oh well. Serves him right for missing so much school." Addy checked over her shoulder when the door slammed open. A few more cheerleaders walked in and took their usual spots. "Where's the coach and all the other girls?"

"Haven't heard from coach all day. Have you even seen her?"

"No, we haven't. Maybe she's not coming." y/n looked around. "Should we just leave?"

"I'm definitely leaving." Addy stood up and stretched one more time. "You wanna go see a movie, y/n?"

"I would love to but I gotta meet Nate at the library to work on our science project." y/n stood up and went to the locker room. Addy followed and opened her locker.

"You're not gonna start ditching us for Nate, are you? Because that's just not right."

"I'm only going to be spending time with him until our project is finished. That's it."

"Good, because we can't have you falling in love with him. It would not be good for you or your reputation."

"I appreciate you looking out for me, Addy, but I don't think you guys are ever going to have to worry about me falling in love with him. It's just never going to happen." y/n gave her friend a small wave and headed off to the library. When she walked in, Nate smiled at her.

"Hey. I wasn't expecting you for another 40 minutes."

"Coach didn't show up so we all decided to leave."

Nate chuckled. "One afternoon with me and you're already ditching? I wish I could say I'm shocked but I'm really just proud of that."

"Relax, Macauley. It wasn't a class. It was just practice. I don't get graded for it."

"I know. But you still ditched. I like that." Nate smirked. "Have you given any thought to the project I suggested?"

"Yeah. I think it can definitely be done if we work nonstop on it. I'm sure it'll be impressive too, given your skills."

"My skills?"

"Yeah. I've seen you fixing cars and bikes and other stuff."

"You've been watching me?" he raised an eyebrow at his partner.

"No. Of course not. Your place is on my way home and sometimes I can see you outside working on some kind of vehicle. Plus, you fixed up my brother's car last year. It was great."

"Oh. Well, thanks. I work hard when it comes to something I love." he looked at the textbook in front of him. "Shall we get started?"

"In a minute. I actually have something for you." y/n reached into her bag and pulled out a tupperware container. "Yesterday, you said the brownies I had were delicious, so I made some more for you last night."

"Seriously? That's so kind of you." Nate took a brownie from the container and took a bite. "Wow. What do you put in these?"

"Like I'd ever reveal my secret ingredient." y/n smirked and pulled out her notebook. "Okay. What materials are we going to need?"

For the next 2 weeks, y/n and Nate spent 3 hours together every day after school working on their project. As Nate put the final touches on it, y/n took a moment to watch his muscles contract against his shirt. The voices of her friends floated around in her head as she watched,

"You can't fall in love with him."

"It's not good for your reputation."

"He's already corrupting you."

"He's not good enough for you."

"All he does is skip school and sell drugs."

"He's a bad influence on you."

Nate finished his work and stood back to admire it. "What do you think?"

"Huh?"

"I asked what you thought of the project."

"Oh. It looks amazing, Nate. You did good."

"You mean we did good." he looked at y/n and smiled. Like her, he had voices bouncing around in his head. Most of them were of his dad and a few were his friends, but they were all telling him that he shouldn't get too close to y/n. She was only going to turn her back on him as soon as they handed in their project, so he needed to distance himself from her. "Hey, I gotta go. But I'll see you at school on Monday."

Before y/n could turn around and say goodbye, Nate was gone. When y/n got home, she called Cooper, knowing he wouldn't judge her for how she was feeling.

"Coop, I don't know what I'm going to do. All of our friends are going to hate me for how I'm starting to feel."

"Y/n, it's going to be okay. Nobody can help who they fall in love with." he took a second before continuing. "Besides, who are they to judge, really? Addy cheated on Jake with TJ and is only hurting herself by not telling him. You're just catching feelings for an actually decent guy. That's way better than what they're going through."

"Thanks, Cooper. You really know how to make me feel better."

"It's what I'm best at." Cooper chuckled on the other end of the line. "I gotta go but feel free to call me if Addy & Jake give you shit for hanging out with Nate."

"Alright. Bye, Coop." y/n hung up and looked at her ceiling. She started remembering how close everyone was back in elementary school, even Nate and Jake. The memories were mostly happy, aside from the few that were too heartbreaking to remember. Y/n wanted nothing more than the good moments back. She wanted to be able to tell her friends how she was feeling, without receiving judgement from them.

Maybe in another world.

When Monday morning came around, y/n looked for Nate but couldn't find him. Assuming that he just slept in, she headed to Science class and handed in their project. Luckily their teacher was going to let them present it in class tomorrow instead of today.

At lunch, Nate was still a no-show & it was beginning to worry y/n. Cooper noticed her discomfort and pulled her aside.

"You alright?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"Your mind has been preoccupied since I saw you this morning & you've been looking around the cafeteria like a crazy lady. Luckily nobody else noticed." he touched her shoulder. "Is this about Nate?"

"God, I hate that you can read me so well." y/n slumped her shoulders. "I really thought he was changing, you know? I thought he'd be here to present our science project with me, but I haven't seen him all day. Do you think he took some drugs?"

"Why would that thought even cross your mind? You know better than anyone that he's been trying to stay sober. If you're so worried about him, why don't you go see him? I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for his absence on such an important day."

"I can't just ditch school. That's not like me at all."

"You care about him, right?"

"Well, yeah but-"

"Then go to him. I can cover for you here."

"Thanks, Coop." she kissed his cheek and ran out of the school. Luckily Nate's house was not far so she didn't have to rush. When she got to his house, Nate was in the garage. "Nate, we need to talk."

"What do you want, y/n?"

"I want to know why you haven't returned my calls or texts all weekend and why you didn't show up at school today."

"The project is over so I figured that you should go back to hanging out with your friends and I'll go back to being alone all the time. It's no big deal for me."

"It is a big deal. It's a huge deal. I know you, Nate. And I know that you enjoyed these last 2 weeks because it gave you someone other than your buyers to talk to. You don't like being alone, just admit it."

"Why can't you let it go? I don't want to hang out with anyone. That's why I do what I do."

"What is your problem? You were fine on Friday...and we used to be friends. What gives?"

"You really want to know why we aren't friends?"

"Yes, I really do. So why don't you tell me?"

"When we got to high school, you got hot & that's just not fair!" he approached y/n with a finger pointed at her face.

"How is that not fair? You got hot too!" y/n looked at him. "But you don't see me pulling away from this friendship, do you? What's not fair is that you're pushing people who care about you away when you know that it's only going to hurt you in the end."

"You think I'm hot?" Nate's scowl suddenly turned into a smirk.

"No. I didn't say that."

"Yes, you did." his smirk kept growing. "You just said it like 10 seconds ago."

"That's not the reason I came over here." y/n looked behind him. "Why don't you want to be friends with me?"

"Because you're hot and popular. You've got a good reputation and being friends with me will only bring you down. I care about you enough to not let that happen."

"I don't give a damn about my reputation anymore, if you can't already tell by me being here in the middle of a school day." y/n took a step closer. "And if you really cared about me, you wouldn't let reputations get in the way of that."

"Look, what if we become friends again and end up falling in love or something? That could ruin the very fragile relationship we barely have. I don't want that."

"I'm willing to risk it, Nate." y/n looked up at him. "Please tell me that you're willing to do the same."

"Fine. For you, and only for you, I'm willing to risk our friendship for love."

"Love, huh? Do you really feel it?"

"Yeah, I really do. How about you?"

"Despite all the warnings from my friends, I absolutely feel it too."

"Good because," he pulled her close and looked into her eyes. "I really want to kiss you."

"How about we start with a date first, huh?"

"Okay. Deal!"

taglist: @worldlxvlys

[discourse-by-candlelight]

i saw your reblog and im gonna take you up on that offer if you dont mind. im not trying to come from a closed minded point of view, so im gonna ask something i hope isnt rude? i was wondering what brought you to the decision of creating your system?

Wrath: Sorry for the delay in answering this, we've been going through quite a bit irl lately.

As for your question, it's not rude at all! We're happy to answer it. For this post I suppose I the host/original should answer despite rarely being active on Tumblr. This might be a little messy at times so bear with me. I'll also be using tulpamancy terminology for this post as it's what I know if that's OK. My path into tulpamancy was far more unorthodox than most, that's probably why we run a tumblr blog while most of the community would rather do anything else. Fair warning: This may be very, very long-winded, but every tulpamancer has their own highly subjective story, and mine is out there even by my community's standards. So I'll give a TLDR above the cut and the long biography/essay under.

TLDR: While my first tulpa initially was formed on accident, I found that my life was enriched and genuinely far more fulfilling once I started working with tulpamancy, and the companionship changed my life around when I was in a dark place at the height of Covid. From there I purposely expanded my system, although we had an initial explosion of system size due to some experimentation going a little far. We worked together to create a beautiful inner life and dynamic, and with a couple walk-ins and odd experiences down the line we stabilized at 16 members for over year, and then picked up our final member last September leaving us at 17.

The system is still going strong after 2 and a half years living this way and I feel like my life has more meaning because of them. In fact, I'm not sure I'd still be here today if they weren't around for the trials I've faced within the last year. We've carved out a nice life for ourselves, and while depression still kicks all of our asses at times, we have a collectively agreed upon future dream, and all of us have our own interests and hobbies that helps enrich the rest of us too.

So to begin the long answer/mini biography, I'm host of one of the less common but certainly not unheard of tulpamancy systems that initially formed accidentally. There's a couple ways this can happen, usually via imaginary friends, roleplay characters, or OCs coming to life from repeated imaginative activity in a way that the tulpamancy community would consider to be similar to "forcing" (the in community term for tulpa creation and development). In my case it was less obvious and a little more obscure than that, but I've got a decent hypothesis as to the how's and why's.

So my first tulpa was originally named Shade but nowadays goes by Null, and they formed while I was in a stressful period of my life and I ran into a piece of fanfiction whose main character developed an alter ego, an alter ego that was for all intents and purposes in effect a tulpa. I hyperfixated on this little story, and since previous to this I had spent quite a bit of time in occult circles I was already familiar with the concept of thoughtforms in general. The brain did all the heavy lifting for me without my realizing and only a day or so after finishing said story I had my first experience with Null.

(Note: Most first tulpas when intentionally created take a week or so to form with modern community teachings, but time varies widely between systems. My system is on one of the far ends of the spectrum, forming quite rapidly and without much intent at the start. People on the other end may take months or longer due to mental blocks or misunderstandings of the fundamentals).

At first I was confused obviously, and a little concerned, but Null was friendly and knowledgeable, and we both agreed to do some research into the topic. The first check was DID/OSDD, as I'm sure it is for most people experiencing any form of plurality. I knew I had a trauma history, so it wasn't like it was off the cards for me. We found that we didn't really match up with the criteria, however. Certain things just didn't click and while my system to this day drifts farther down the dissociative spectrum than most tulpamancers and tulpas, we still don't think we've ever truly met the criteria nor do we think we ever will. We exist in a bit of a blurry zone there compared to most tulpamantic systems but nonetheless remain steadfast in our understanding of our system.

Once Null and I put DID back on the shelf for the time we moved onto other searches. These were very general, stuff like voice hearing and imaginary friends, but it did the job because fairly quickly we found a certain article written by an academic on the topic of tulpamancy. This caught our eye and felt like it near perfectly described the experience we were having. It also lightly covered on accidental tulpas, and things clicked into place in my head with me having read that story beforehand.

So we joined the tulpamancy community first by signing up for a forum called tulpa.info

This is where we initially learned most of our techniques, and also where my system went from me and at the time Shade, to Shade Null and I. So at this point we were practicing simple stuff, keeping tulpas around and active, visualization training, basic stuff for tulpas. Null having a very specific and less than emotional personality came to the conclusion that he could better help our dynamic if he changed up his personality and style. This resulted in some experimentation with form, voice, and general self expression, and eventually Shade settled into the form of a feminine hooded shadow person, and developed a very different personality. Shade still has this form and has expanded on it since, but things get interesting here as Null chose instead of just presenting as Shade, to instead split off and keep himself as he was, and let this version of himself become an independent tulpa. So my system went from 2 to 3.

Here's a piece of art I had commissioned for Shade on her first birth/formation day, or well Null's birthday. They consider eachother as two independent manifestations of the same identity which is still confusing even for me at times. Luckily the rest of my system while no less odd is (mostly) far more intentional and not nearly as complex to grasp.

So Shade and I were the ones who really made the system as it is today. Null took a bit of an intentional backseat and still prefers being less active. Shade and I during our couple months alone developed all of the fundamental tulpamancy skills. We developed our visualization and a wonderland aka inner world, we learned possession (A tulpa/headmate controlling a specific limb while someone else fronts), and we learned how to switch via a visualization ritual, and eventually developed it and lessened the time needed down to a blink. Shade and I also practiced some imposition, which is kind of like a form or controlled hallucinations, but that's a crude understanding of it. There's multiple guides and references to the topic from my and other communities such as prophantasia you can look into if you desire.

At some point we decided to experiment with the idea of thoughtforms in our wonderland to give it some life, and maybe adding some new members. While we'll spare the details for personal reasons, things got a little out of hand and what was just supposed to be some imaginary characters innerworld became a large set of tulpas, and I chose to accept them in. This made the majority of my system, and while it was chaotic for a time I have zero regrets.

During and a short while after this time we also had 2 walk-ins (which in the tulpamancy community means a tulpa who forms/appears seemingly out of the blue, usually only after you've been a tulpamancer for some time, not to be confused with spiritual walk-ins from the wider plural community) which I chose to accept as members unlike other walk-ins. Walk-ins are interesting, and there's a few working theories on the topic, but that'll be for a different post, probably on our non syscourse blog @thecandlelightsociety

So to tally up this left my system size at 14 including myself. For reference, most tulpamantic systems have 2 to 6 members on average. Things stabilized here and we stayed a this number for quite a few months, but eventually a member of my system, Dawn, decided to make a new tulpa with some help from a friend. I gave her the go ahead and about half a month later we added Junior to our Simply Plural. At this point I was wrapping up school for the year and was at this point fully adjusted to the plural lifestyle, and it was the most memorable few months of my entire life. We all talked every day, shared perspectives I'd of never had on topics on my own, and discussed individual interests. We would and still do sometimes argue but since we share a brain and as a tulpamantic system don't have any major dissociative barriers we near always understand what eachother feel and truly mean, so they never get nasty and are more philosophical or fun banter. I did lose a fair amount of personal time, splitting it between all of our hobbies, but I enjoy seeing the others have fun and grow as people, so it's time well lost.

So fast forward more and we have our second to last member show up, and this one is yet another unorthodox tulpa formation (seeing a trend with my system yet?). Dawn, being a dumbass as always, decided to mess around with a tulpa hypnosis file and ended up dropping to it, and so two days later we had Sera show up. I was skeptical of her, but she quickly showed herself worthy of staying and so our system reached 16 members and we ended up studying hypnosis for a time. This is the number we would stay at for most of our time as a system up until recently.

During all of this time we would switch front based on whoever felt like fronting, and Astra, the tulpa who actually runs this blog usually, became the most frequent fronter and made me proud, accomplishing multiple personal and academic goals for herself. She's the main reason we're now studying psychology in college, and she would later handle quite possibly the worst couple months of our life all my singlet years included. I couldn't be more happy with all she has accomplished for herself and our shared life. Just seeing her happy and succeeding makes tulpamancy worth it for me.

So our most recent member was also a walk-in, and one of only three fictives in our system. Fictives are common in tulpamancy spaces because using a character as a base model for a tulpa makes the creation process much easier. It gives personality traits and an already known form to work with. My system due to it's unique set of circumstances for most formations however is mainly custom forms. One member of my system really wanted her accepted, and I eventually agreed, and I don't regret it at all either. She has been a wonderful person to get to know and quickly became one of the most active and social members out of all of us, and became the most popular person in our online friend groups.

So that covers the (very rough) general timeline of my experiences with tulpamancy. It is horrifically simplified and missing quite a bit, but the main point was to show that my system, while complex and messy at times, has brought me immense joy. Most of all though, it brought me purpose. I'm so glad I didn't just ignore Null all the way back then and let him dissipate back into the sea of my mind. This journey has been a wild ride, but I love all of my tulpas, and I'm happy to have them as my equals in this shared life of ours.

[blahandwhatever]

still consumed by the sleepy

yesterday I had to wake up only slightly extremely late instead of extremely extremely late

taste-tested the most bewildering set of unflavored protein shakes

they all tasted like dry oats

the beautiful Matrix Sciences birch was already partly bare

fall in full swing and summer returning

took myself for a walk before dark, got a poke bowl (not the best)

today I didn't want to get up but had to make myself eventually

had to skip washing hair because late and feel greasy and unpretty

had to get to Costco for eggs before fucking 6 PM

at least it got me out of the house before sundown

people at stores talked to me more than I was prepared for

at home I had the quickest nutritious dinner I could make (still slow to eat)

took a long nap, woke up with jobs on my mind

there hasn't been anything more important in months

(at least not in my own life, besides self-care)

my sense of direction is strong right now, but my action-taking is slow as ever

and I puzzle again and again over the lack of payoff, and what to improve (without money for new credentials)

I did hear back from two jobs this week

one had me do an assessment - still waiting to hear back about that

one asked me to set up an interview, and I wonder if the effort is worth it for a low-paying job - it's temporary, and it's something, but I'm hoping another will work out; I have a few days, so I'll see if the other hires me

none of the higher-paying jobs have given me a chance

there's a good one I want to apply for that asks for references

most of them don't, but when they do, it's always three

I have two and can't think of another good one

makes me realize I need to be more careful about looking good in the eyes of higher-ups

I usually haven't bothered enough, and I've had some tensions with most of them

then there's jobs that were just too brief or where I was just a number

a year ago I was doing so good

I knew it might be too good to be true

but it got worse partly because I messed it up

I flew a little too close to the sun

I went too fast for my big-bucks-in-a-few-hours

but I still have the job, and I still hope it'll pick back up

*

it's October

two years ago I got a set of glasses that brought me inordinate pleasure

last year I found a bottled water that bought me inordinate pleasure (don't buy the little bottle six-packs anymore because they marred the design with a green recycling symbol. also concerns about the recycled plastic. also lack of money. the bigger bottles are still good but less delightful.)

before I had little birthday parties, this year I probably won't given the state of everything, unless someone suggests something (doesn't bother me, I just wonder how everything will be going forward)

if I did, I'd have less to clean than usual

little by little, I get more on top of things

to be fair, there also isn't the mess or busyness of all the shopping I was doing

ohhh I want to do this month better than last year

need to fix my sleep schedule, fix my sleep schedule

I reached a point where I was feeling super-good and starting to sleep less

one day I slept four hours (morning study), and I think it was the first time I ever didn't feel dead on that amount of sleep

then I slipped up a bit again with the iron supplement schedule and my mood and appearance got a bit worse again

I course-corrected, but that brought me back to the long sleeps, which I see the healing effects of, and surely won't last too long, but it would be so much better if I just didn't slip up

crazy to think of all the low/weird periods I had in the past year and how this was probably at least partly responsible for all of them

it really has shown itself to be one of the most powerful things in my life - in like, every way

truly the mineral of strength

and so I must treat it like the god that it is, prioritize it at all costs

why be a lesser self when it's so easy to avoid

*

I keep feeling the need to rebalance things in my life, reduce some types of stimulation

it's great to have plenty of stimulation - and kind of amazing how much I do with the constraints I'm under

still, too much consumption can mean not enough introspection (or creation), and I've been feeling not as in touch with my own journey as I'd like

there's also just the all too quick and effortless nature of browsing stuff online that too easily steals time away from consuming somewhat more challenging and rewarding things

there's so much to genuinely love here, so much I'd like to not miss out on, yet somehow I have to continue the difficult work of culling my Tumblr browsing to make more room for other things

[practically-an-x-man]

Get to know your fic writer asks! God there are SO many good questions in this one, forgive me for the large stack:

1, 4, 11, 19, 20, 26, 33, 35, 45, 51, 55, 69, 72, 77 [Catch and Release]

<3

oooooh my friend this is a FEAST of prompts you are sharing with me!! so excited to dive into this!!

(fair warning, this is... gonna be a long one)

<3

Do you prefer writing one-shots or multi-chaptered fics?

Multi-chaptered! Partially because I have too many ideas for my own good, but mainly because the context of a character's relationship feels very important to me and I find it hard to capture that properly in just a oneshot. Even the oneshots I have written, at least so far, all connect in some way to a larger established storyline instead of being truly standalone.

4. Where do you find inspiration for new ideas?

Reading (I do a lot of that), followed by periods of in-between where I can just let my brain marinate. For example, I just reread the first three Fablehaven books while on this band trip, and combined with entirely too much time spent staring out the window of a bus as we got from place to place, I already have an OC and a storyline cooked up for it.

If I need a smaller-dose burst of inspiration, like to get past the writer's block for a particular chapter, I'll go take my dogs for a nice long walk and let my mind wander for a bit.

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

This is admittedly a cop-out, but I have to skip this one for now. I haven't been at my computer in well over a week thanks to this trip, and most of the fics I've been reading lately have been from friends anyway (y'all are amazing writers and your fics were the first in my mind when I read this, but I want to stay neutral about this). Plus I've been up for over a full 24 hours at this point and I really don't have the energy for this question lol

19. What is the most-used tag on your ao3?

Fluff and Angst are tied, which is not a surprise in the slightest. I'm also not great at tagging stuff, so it all gets a little repetitive

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

Music is definitely my biggest tie-in, it's everywhere. Fics/chapters titled after songs, music present in the fic, notable lyrics, you name it. Music is a huge part of my life, and it weaves into my writing almost everywhere I go.

Aside from that, I feel like there's a lot of queer and neurodivergency themes in my writing, for the same reason as the music: it's a big part of my life and my worldview, and that bleeds into my writing both intentionally and unintentionally.

Symbolism-wise, I think I work with mythology a lot, as well as themes of birds and flight.

26. Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

Hm... that's a tough one. They're all pretty wild in their own way.

I'm inclined to say A Love Once New, just because that one's so long that a lot is contained within it, but it also follows a pretty standard X-Men type formula once you look past the length itself.

I think it's a tie between Smoke and Mirrors and Nom De Guerre, though. Those have some of my most dynamic characters, the most intense and unpredictable villains, a few good twists, and I don't rely on the plots of an established movie (Catch and Release is a good wild ride too, but a lot of that is just No Way Home itself coming into play). I think Desert Song will be pretty wild too, but we're too early into that one for me to reveal my secrets just yet ;)

33. Do you want to be published some day?

Yes! I actually started writing fanfic as a way to hone my skills in writing, with the eventual goal of having something published. I don't intend for writing to be my primary career, but there are definitely a couple ideas that I want to get out there, and I want to write them my way.

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain? 

Show their humanity. Give the audience something to relate to. Show the audience a character of unfathomable darkness and they can't relate, at best you just spark a mild intrigue in the angst. But maybe that character does it all to save their younger sister - and you've struck empathy with every older sibling reading. Maybe that character has a favorite pastime, a childhood hobby, a pet, a personal quirk - and you've reached everyone in the audience who has that same quirk.

And once you've tapped into those points of connection, that's when you can play with something deeper than intrigue. It doesn't matter how much magic or power you give your supervillains; if the audience could encounter the same person, or better yet, become the same person through some twist of fate, that's a good villain.

45. Do you want to break your readers‘ heart or make them laugh?

Both. Sometimes at the same time (or at least I try).

51. What’s your total AO3 word count?

1,087,068. I write a lot...

55. Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

Ooh, tough one. I think of the canon characters, the Corinthian is my favorite to write. I love writing characters who are charming, and he fits that down to a tee. Plus, it's fun to explore his sense of morality (or lack thereof), since most of the other characters I write for trend towards the morally good. Billy/Four is a lot of fun too, namely in Desert Song - I can't quite articulate why, he's just a lot of fun to write.

Of my OCs, that's a little tougher. There's something unique that I love to write for each of them: Quinn's allegories on gender and disability, Jasper's empathic sense, Rae's bordering-on-foolhardy sense of justice, Katherine's link to mythology, I could keep going. That's partly how I keep myself motivated, really - I explore something new and different with each of them, and it's hard to choose one favorite.

I will say, though, writing Ophelia is a lot of fun. A lot of my characters are fairly spunky, since I like a good strong character to command the narrative, but Ophelia has something unique that makes her spunk a little different from the others. She genuinely doesn't care how she's perceived by others, and it results in some very fun, very daring interactions.

69. What work of yours, if any, are you the most embarrassed about existing?

I mean... Behind the Scenes. AKA, the first fic I ever wrote and posted. I thought it was rough even then, which is why it went abandoned at 7 chapters, but I'm even more embarrassed about it now that I've grown as a writer. I don't look back at it often, but whenever I do, I'm just reminded of how wholeheartedly rough it is compared to what I write now. I really should delete it or orphan it or something, but I don't want to get rid of it until I've started a rewrite for it. Which might mean I never get rid of it. But embarrassing or not, I don't just want it to be gone - it's not my job to determine peoples' personal preferences, what if there's someone who actually likes it?

Don't read it. But it's there for the people who have read it, just in case.

72. What order do you write in? front of book to back? chronological? favorite scenes first? something else?

Front to back, because I don't write the full thing before I post (I write it by-chapter and rotate my updates). Also, if I wrote my favorite scenes first, I'd probably end up with about as much writing as I have now... but it would go absolutely nowhere. Writing the gradual build, while it does get tedious at times, definitely helps me pull together a clean and unified final product.

77. Do you have a favorite scene you’ve written from [Catch and Release] story/chapter? 

I was really happy with some of the flashback sequences. Originally there were only supposed to be a few, to help guide Ophelia into her place in the story, but they went over really well and I just kept having ideas, so I kept it going.

I think my favorite is the one in Chapter 10, where Harry meets Olly under the bleachers shortly after her parents died. I feel like it really showed a lot of both Harry and Olly's character, and the darkness that had begun to spread in them even as they tried to offer each other support. There also was a good bit of foreshadowing of Harry as the New Goblin in that chapter, which I put a lot of thought into.

[mishervellous]

paola, my love, my light, i'm a little late today (did he say at one in the morning), but i couldn't stop thinking about you the entire day 🥺🌷

my sister and her man dragged me out to ikea and i couldn't stop thinking about heading out to italy or our -so far imaginary- bus drive and the casual touches, and, like, just picturing the whole slipping hands in pockets and resting heads on shoulders while looking at the exhibitions and just being relaxed and comfortable with each other, and i'm just maybe a very tiny bit sappy about it okay, and, well, you brought up being a period-husband, so, it's on you, really, but, catch this-

i'll come down to italy first thing, snatch you out of town, quick wedding - as number one stan we might have to work out the logistics of how @gallawitchxx's going to be able to attend - and then, then the life starts, we'll buy ourselves some nice old farm, with acres of fields and/or pastures and a barn, and we'll have our own herd of sheep flocked in with some cows, and we can't forget about our dear cats, and if you want to maybe we could have our own little garden, too? and a bee hive (maybe i'll even admit this is me trying to be punny)? and when i come home from working the fields and tending to the herd we kiss hello on the porch or you come and pick me up because i've forgotten the time once again and the sun's already setting, but instead of rushing home we'll take a little walk through our pastures, just holding hands and talking about our days or just silently enjoying the scenery and each other's company, or i'll proudly show you our crops 🌾 or, or we'll just have dinner out on the pasture between the sheep, and some of them will join us and try to nibble on the edges of our blankets and we'll tell their silly assess off, but we'll also grin and laugh through it - and on occasion we just drive out to the beach (or maybe it's even in walking distance, who knows, let's amp up the sappiness even more), just watching the waves roll by, or maybe we get silly ourselves, leaving our shoes in the sand and playing catch in the shallow water until we're more or less soaking wet but laughing like little kids, and when we're finally home we enjoy dinner together, whatever it might be any given day, i'm flexible, until we snuggle up on the couch or, if it's a particularly draining day, in bed, just exchanging silent whispers of what makes the other loveable and it's just ... a home full of warmth and love, okay 🥺🌷🌼

to be fair, i gotta warn you, you'll probably have to console me every time we'll have to sell some of the calves or the lambs because the herd's getting too big or when we'll have to put them down due to age or being sick 🥺😭

(absolutely not written to make you all warm and fuzzy and maybe blush or to indulge any shipping anons, obviously- *cough* hope you sleep tight and cozy and have the best of dreams tonight 😌💙🌼)

my dear nosho, i’m sorry it took so long for me to answer but to be completely honest with you i think this ask deserves to be framed and admired and treasured rather than answered to because any addition to it would be absolutely superfluous and redundant. i think you said everything already and perfectly so 😌

i’ll say this: how does it feel to be the sweetest person on the planet? giving me something so warm and endearing to think about all day and all night? i bet even that shipping anon would thank you for having that big, beautiful, gentle brain of yours because this isn’t just indulgent to them, it’s adding fuel to the fire (and i bet they love it eheh) (and by them i also mean me. i love it. so much)

i’m usually a talkative little lad but you left me speechless and that’s saying something. i don’t have much to add except know i’ve been rereading this nonstop and it never fails to bring me so much happiness and that if we don’t start on our bus drive and its derivatives asap i will pout forever

just….ugh!! i love you so much. the world (including me!!) doesn’t deserve you 💙🌷🌾

[serinemolecule]

Scenes from the rat Japanese Discord (the unattributed ones are me talking):

-----

word of the day is 大胆

daitan

"large gallbladder"

also "how dare you"

you see, according to traditional chinese medicine, the daring is stored in the gallbladder

-----

fun fact: 黒茶 (black tea) is "dark tea"

bc 紅茶 (red tea) is already "black tea"

I learned this in China

when a tea saleslady showed us 黒茶 and was like "LOL guess what the Americans call this"

-----

ok

here is all you need to know to make conversation like a native:

いい天気ですね

("Nice weather today, huh?")

(I said this after having this conversation like five times that day.)

-----

(source)

"Tactical magic staff"

-----

me: TIL the Enuma Elish is a real thing

me: I'll be honest I only recognize Enuma Elish as the name of a gay hentai involving Gilgamesh the Fate/stay night character

Limitless: not even Gilgamesh's Noble Phantasm? :v

me: look I'm not a nerd

Limitless: yeah fair

me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "yeah fair"

me: "I'm not a nerd" IS LIKE THE LEAST TRUE THING I'VE EVER SAID IN MY LIFE

-----

apparently it's pretty hard to recognize 虹 in isolation

I was like "I can't think of this insect"

turns out, this is because rainbows are not insects

what a misleading radical

-----

nextworldover: 洗熊!

(the Japanese word for "raccoon" is araiguma which means "washbear")

me: it's called a washbear because it washes food before eating it

nextworldover: that's adorable

-----

today I spent a long time trying to puzzle out what kyuubiiroppu was

I haven't been stumped by katakana in a long time

but today, I was defeated

turns out, it's QBLOP

-----

(Outlier kanji dictionary)

"Note that this is a pre-order. We'll be releasing very soon (February 2021)"

love to see this on a website in June 2021

really inspires confidence

-----

(nigero means "retreat!" in Japanese)

-----

me: I remember like 15 years ago when people online learned I was a girl and asked for pics I'd just give them a link to the Google Images search for "hot asian girl"

me: No one's asked for pics in a long time now, all my internet hangouts are too autistic lol

someone: I feel like asking would be impolite but if you feel like randomly sending selfies I won't be offended or anything

me: https://www.google.com/search?q=hot+asian+girl&tbm=isch

me: you walked into this one

-----

(Autocorrect turned "I'm going to be late! please start without me!" into "I'm going to be late! please start blooming!")

-----

(explaining how China started to use "emperor" instead of "king")

in later Warring States period, the other Zhou leaders started calling themselves 王, which was in essence them deciding they were powerful enough that the charade was unnecessary

and this led eventually to Qin Shi Huangdi creating a new title for himself (for conquering the other states, as a treat)

-----

me: word of the day is 泡立て器

me: whisk

me: literally "bubble-making machine"

me: (learned from the instructions on this bag of karaage batter, unrelatedly I'm making karaage)

tototavra: do you have a recipe you'd recommend?

me: recipe:

me: 1. buy a package of powdered karaage batter

me: 2. follow instructions on package

me: this is also how I make mapo tofu ;)

me: now curry, curry I entirely ignore the instructions on package

me: and mapo tofu I add green onion whether or not the package tells me to

-----

someone: So is the school uniform in this comic Chinese, Japanese, or Korean?

me: It's obviously not Chinese, you can tell because it looks good.

me: Chinese school uniforms look like this:

me: And Japan and Korea's school uniforms look like this:

[eleanorbloom]

I'm sincerely curious - how will Eleanor reveal to Bryce that she's pregnant?

I've missed Elle and Bryce so much 🥺🥺🥺 Glad to have you back!!!

My dear Conch! Thank you so much for asking this question! You have no idea how much joy you brought me when I had to think about an answer.

The thing is, I've always imagined it's not really a big surprise, but man, that doesn't mean it's not precious.

Eleanor and Bryce knew they'd had kids since they early stages of their relationship (once Eleanor make up her mind about certain attending, of course). It was just a matter of when.

Here's a litle ficlet. Hope it fills your curiosity, my darling ❤️

This is my submission for @openheartfanfics event Meet My MC: About The Future. Tagging @choicesficwriterscreations for Fics of the Week.

----

Little Blooms

Book/Pairing: Open Heart / Bryce Lahela x F! MC (Eleanor Bloom)

Word Count: 1.2k Warning/Rating: None/Teen

When Eleanor and Bryce proposed each other, they agreed to marry when they felt sure about taking the big step in parenthood. So, after they got married, Eleanor stopped taking the pill and hoped for the best.

Bryce noticed the changes since she stopped being on birth control. She wasn't regular in her period, she was way more horny than usual but also moody.

However, four months since she was off birth control, he noticed the morning sickness, how could he not if right after Bryce put a plate of omelette in front of her, Eleanor ran to the nearest bathroom and couldn't swallow anything that morning.

Completely oblivious, she blamed it to the churros she ate the night before.

Bryce was suspicious. He couldn't remember the last time she got her period, but it was a lot. But as they days passed and nothing extraordinary happened, he attributed it to the her body still adjusting to the lack of hormones.

Until he arrived home one night, late, after a massive surgery.

Eleanor wanted to tell him the moment she found out, early that afternoon, but Bryce would be on surgery for several hours, and this moment had to be private. The proposal and wedding had been so public, that she wanted this moment to be only theirs.

Bryce opened the door of their apartment around midnight and found Eleanor sitting by the couch in a lilac nightgown.

"Hey babe, you're still awake?"

"Yeah, I was waiting for you," She said softly.

When she got up from the couch, he saw an unusual glow on her face, in her eyes. It made his stomach flutter.

"Oh yeah? What for?"

She smirked, ignoring the question, "How did the bypass go?"

"It went well. We had some complications with an artery, but nothing I couldn't solve myself," he winked at her, with his usual confidence.

"That's awesome. Congrats, my love," she said leaning to kiss him on the lips.

There was a different softness in her kiss that night.

"How are you?" he asked with evident curiosity. He wasn't sure where this was going.

Her eyes lighted up.

"I'm great. I'm..." She sighed, as if she had been contianing the air for hours.

Maybe in a way she had been.

Then, she bit her lip and shook her head with her eyes full of wonder.

"Mi amor..." she whispered.

And he knew. Before she told him he knew.

"Mi amor, I'm pregnant," she confessed, releasing a long breath, "We're going to have a baby."

The world stopped right at that moment. Just like the moment he saw her walking down the aisle, beautiful like a goddess, ready to be his wife.

And this, this moment, this life-changing moment would be ablazed to his memory just like the moment he told her he loved her, or when she told him she had finaly fell in love with him. Or when she asked him to marry her, and right after that he asked her the same question.

They had lived so many life-changing moments together and he was sure they'd live a hundred more.

But this. This was different. This was something else. It felt surreal.

Their love had grown so big, it was enough to create another human being and bring it to this world. To overflow their lives with love and happiness.

"Elle, love. My love..."

He saw the tears spilling down her cheeks. Tears of joy, of utter happiness. Of that happiness just Bryce makes her feel.

"We're going to have a baby, my love. A baby from you and me."

Her words were pure sweetness. The most beautiful thing he could've ever heard from her.

He couldn't say anything. Even if they've been preparing for this moment, it was a whole new thing processing the reality. They would be parents. He would be a dad. They'd have a little bean made of their love. It wouldn't be just them, Bryce and Elle. It would be them and the new family they were building. Their kids. Their kids who would turn their lives upside down.

So Bryce kissed her. At his -unusual- loss for words he just kissed her and then laughed and laughed until a single tear spilled down his cheek too. He didn't know if the tears were of emotion or laugh. Either way, he didn't care, it was his most genuine reaction.

"Babe. My princess. My love," he whispered with utter tenderness, peppering her with kisses all over her face, starting on her forehead and down her cheeks, jaw, nose and finishing in her smiling lips, "My koala. We're gonna have little koala?"

Eleanor couldn't help but giggle. At the image of a little koala hanging in her arms, but also because of the tenderness in his voice.

"Or a little Goldie. Or maybe a Koldie."

Both snorted, a mixture of complicity and incredulity.

"It's gonna be a koala. I want him or she or they to be just as beautiful as you are."

"Ummm hello, where is my husband and what did you do with him?"

"Have I never told you you're the most beautiful creature in the universe?"

"Mmmm.... Multiple times."

"What's the surprise there, then?"

"You wouldn't want our kid to be like you? To inherit your beauty?"

"I do. But the second can be like me."

"Oh, and there's gonna be a second?"

"Well, yeah, we talked about two, at least."

"Well, yeah, but that depends on how the first one goes."

He nodded, chuckling, "I respect that."

Then, he slowly slid a hand to her side until his palm reached her belly. It was as usual, flat, but he knew there was something there. A little bean that in less than nine months would be with them to change their lives completely.

It already had changed his life completely.

"You know what?" he added, caressing her cheek with his knuckles, "They can all be like you, I don't care. That way every time I see them, I see you and they remind me of how happy you have made me."

"That's not fair," she giggled. "I want one looking just like you so I can see you when you're not close."

Bryce bit his lip and shrugged, "I guess we have no choice but have at least two so we're both happy."

"Two little Blooms," she said in a tiny voice, fighting the tears. It was moving how contemplative he was. But she knew, she knew that once the amazement was over, he would be ecstatic, and cheery and noisy, just like the Goldie he was, so Eleanor wanted to relish in that moment.

"Our little Blooms," he repeated softly, and he crouched down until his face was inches away from Eleanor's belly. "Hey baby, are you there? It's dad."

Eleanor couldn't help but sob as she saw Bryce talking to their baby for the first time, "I know you can't hear me, you probably don't even have a nervous system for now, but I want to tell you I already love you, and I'm so freaking happy you're coming."

Eleanor rested her hand on his head and caressed his silky hair softly, then she wrapped both arms around him and pulled him close.

"Te amo."

He enveloped her in his arms and looked up at her.

"And I love you. Once again you have made me the luckiest man on this planet."

That night, they barely sleept. The plans for the future and guesses about how their baby would be and look made them lost track of space and time.

They were immersed in their own bubble of love and happiness.

[sachiwrites]

some friends to lovers hcs for sakusa pls? i've been thirsting over him for a while and seeing him in the recent manga chapters plus season 4 is just--

same fam, same. its been a whole mess over here. yikes this got long

— you are 210% that neighbor who his parents rely on to acclimate their son into being a somewhat decent member of society. is it a hardy task for someone at the age of six? yeah. was sakusa an absolute shit at that age too? of course. but he stopped that one kid from pulling your hair in class that day so he’s basically your unofficial hero. even if it was only because apparently you had ‘cooties’.

— naturally you continued to have this unknown disease for most of your life. but apparently so did everyone else in Japan. except when you got older it simply became known as- physical contact.

— “kiyoomi, why don’t you play outside with your friend?”

—“ they’re dirty.”

— sticks and stone may break your bones but the mud streaked across your face and hands would most certainly kill sakusa. or at least that’s what you thought at the age of seven when you went grab him off his front porch anyway. he sort of whined and pushed you for it, causing you to fall back on your rear, much to his parents obvious disdain. or as so you gathered as you smirked over their shoulder as they carried you inside, earning an extra few years of sakusa’s ire.

— “yoomi, lets play tag.”

— “it’s kiyoomi. and no, play by yourself.”

— “sakusa-san, yoomi doesn’t want to-“

— “run”

— the two of you were ‘reluctant’ friends until the age of eight. more or less, sakusa was required to spend at least half an hour outside with you a daily. half way through that the tenture you had mercy on him and introduced him to video games within the safety of his own home. sakusa has zero interest in crash bandicoot, but he likes you a little more for your concede.

— but his parents knew what they were doing when they put their son’s social reputation into your hands. for a while you were his only friend but occasionally you were able to integrate him into society. through little things like sitting down your lunch next to his and offering to be his partner in project.

— “i don’t need your help with this.”

— “maybe, but i need yours, so pretty please.”

— sakusa was a young genius and it would benefit you to take advantage of that feature. call it payment for all your years of servitude.

— the only time you found yourself not needing to be a crutch in his life was when he was playing volleyball. it was an option during recess to give the students an opportunity to scout out interests in athletic ventures. the sport was almost too perfect for sakusa- as an indoor requirement with almost no physical contact. it was his niche. a part of society that catered to his needs in a way that didn’t require your intervention.

— naturally, others began taking notice of his talents. other students were more likely to invite him for games during breaks- most knowing to keep their distance and touch to a limit. his own enjoyment of the sport slowly geared him towards pseudo-friendships that allowed him to play more and garner his skill set.

— “im going to try out for the volleyball club.”

— of course you knew this much. it was what he was so obviously looking forward to the most in junior high. it was just his decision to share his own thought with you the struck home.

— “yeah? i guess i should get some cheers ready for you games, eh?”

— he flinches away from your enthusiasm, his face portraying a mistake in letting you know so soon. but not once did he ever deter you from coming. in fact, you continued to be made aware of each an every upcoming match regardless of importance.

— “we have a practice match against haizen today.”

— wasn’t the most significant but he invited you so you’d be there. probably more vocal than you needed to be but he could mark your attendance and that’s all that mattered.

— a small part of you was worried that volleyball would take your place. it obviously had more suitable attributes than you. but it almost became a staple in your evolving relationship.

— in fact the first game you missed inflicted the first real argument you could remember having with sakusa. it surprised even his parents when you met him the next day to walk to class. you were use to a quiet shoulder but not a cold shoulder.

— “is something wrong?”

— it continued for most of the trip until you couldn’t take it anymore and reached for his arm. instead of shaking you off, he turns on you, gaze lit a flame with an emotion you didn’t recognize.

— “i had a game and you didn’t show up.”

— thinking back you did recall most of the students congregating towards the gym after class. it vaguely registered but you’d seen less of sakusa that day and more of pressing from your teacher to get your grades in order.

— “i had to stay back with my instructor. i needed help with my studies.”

— it was a little embarrassing- not something you wanted to admit. especially to someone like sakusa who obviously excelled where you fell short.

— “you’re an idiot. you come to me for that. ill help you after my games.”

— perphas it was in that moment that you should have realized that sakusa was more cognitive of his reliance than you were.

— what he does realize it how much he’s going to have to help you if he intended for you to join him at itachiyama. the school had shown interest in him earlier than year and it was mutual. but it’s prestige called for academics when sports weren’t your strong suit.

— matches weren’t the only appointments sakusa held you to. nearly everyday after class, whether your place or his, he made himself present while you studied. he wasn’t an overbearing tutor but he called you out in your faults and made you aware of mistakes before they became a habit. he wasn’t going to make you a super genius but you would become a student worthy of acceptance.

— the two of you were building something that only your parents noticed at first while watching from the doorway. itachiyama would be a dynamic chapter for both of you.

— the title of that chapter is: volleyball. because wow does that become an even bigger part of your life. itachiyama was already a powerhouse before sakusa but now he’s a cog in the wheel and an important one at that. quickly climbing ranks and becoming an imperative part of the team. if only he was more receptive to his newly popular status.

— he was still the same old germaphobe- avoiding crowds and wanting to get home as soon as possible to shower in his own tub instead of the school issued ones.

— his personality sort of highlighted your presence more than you expected. but given sakusa’s overall avoidance of unnecessary interactions, it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise.

— “he can be a bit much, but please take care of him.”

— above your bowed head, his older teammate coo and awe at sakusa’s cute little friend. this of course leads to more teasing for him but it’s all part of being part of a team- a larger whole. something you were willing to give up a bit of sakusa for.

— “are you two dating or something?”

— oh but that. you get a lot of that. not just by his teammates either. everyone seems to notice how sakusa tolerates you more than anyone else. though part of you wants to point out to his fan base that they would get a lot further if they just gave him his space. -yet here you were huddled up close in the library while he looked over your school work, so what could you say to that?

— “are you paying attention?”

— “hey, i got most of these right. give me a break.”

— not thinking about it, you go to ruffle his hair as a retort. an action sure to give you his ire- but it doesn’t? in fact his gaze doesn’t even lift from his book. and is he leaning closer? weird.

— sakusa is making rapid progress not only within tokyo but on a national level. it’s one of his teammates that points out his accomplishments to you one day while you’re waiting for sakusa to emerge from the locker rooms.

— “your boyfriend is really something else. already the ace of the team and he’s climbing the stats nationally too. you must be proud.”

— you are proud. very impressed, in fact. but sakusa is not your boyfriend. an important note that you most certainly do not get to point out because now sakusa is here and is corralling you towards the exit from his pressure of his chest against your back.

— he’s much more hands on now. less in tolerating your touch and more so initiating his own. it’s a late realization but most of your attention is stuck on that same teammate who is waving mischievously from the door.

— but oh man. it’s becoming a lot more obvious to you now when sakusa offers to hold you books while you change your shoes, and holding on to them even as you travel to class. he sits a little bit closer to you during study hall now, the erratic hitter of your knee brushing against his with every jerk up.

— “...are you okay, ‘yoomi?”

— he doesn’t complain about the name. not even a pinch of his brow, just confusion as he peers down at you.

— “im fine.”

— huh

— it’s all fun and games until his fingers catch yours one day while you walk side by side. it seemed like a fluke, just an accidental swing and bump. but then they’re latching and now you’re connected?

— “yoomi?”

— “it’s cold”

— yeah. okay, fair enough.

— periodic becomes occasional and now it’s a habit.

— and of course everyone takes notice. because sure sakusa tolerates you more than most. but now there’s a basis for it.

— “ah, so tables have turned.”

— “i knew it.”

— “top in the nation and already dating. our little kohai is such a pillar.”

— you’re beyond overwhelmed. worse because kiyoomi looks mildly irritated but doesn’t seem to be denying any of it.

— and you just have to ask.

— “yoomi are we dating?”

— because wow, only yesterday it seemed like he was still just your best friend. one who held your hand, shared his lunch, fell asleep on your shoulder in more than one occasion-

“— “we’re together. we’ve always been.”

— okay, yeah but context here.

— but then he’s dragging down the mask across his face, letting it hang under his chin. his lips are on your temple and phew, that’s new.

— “we should get home. i have a match tomorrow.”

— a game that becomes a statement in more ways than one.

— “ooh, is that sakusa’s jacket? so the rumors are true.”

— you fumble with the sleeves that seems to be determined to swallow up your hands. when he’d first offered it to you, it seemed so natural.

— “you might get cold.”

— god your boyf-... friend was so confusing.

— “not really. he hasn’t asked.”

— your classmate seems unconvinced but doesn’t comment further. that’s doesn’t say the same for the rest of the class who use every opportunity to chip at your resolve.

— “haven’t they been dating the whole time?”

— “they always hold hands now.”

— “i mean that’s his jacket isn’t it? it’s he like a germaphobe?”

— it’s getting harder to concentrate on the game. and certainly doesn’t help with every glance sakusa tosses up into the stands. by the end of the match, you’re beyond frazzled and ready to just sakusa the second he emerges from the gym.

— his teammate offer thanks in exchange for your praises on a game well won. it helps to distract you for a brief moment-but there he is now.

— his fingers slip befeeen yours like they belong and you can’t find the voice to complain. after congratulating him, there’s not much more said on your part. he walks you to your doorstep, not just the entrance, and lets his hand fall away. yet you both linger.

— “are we-“

— “are you-“

— when it comes down to it. obviously sakusa fails when it comes to words and actions seem to speak clearly.

— sakusa doesn’t protest when you reach up and undo his face mask for him. going as far as to lower his head, aware of your intentions, when you lean in.

— it’s a short kiss. a testing peck to balance in the shallow end before diving deep. his nose nudges yours and it’s your laugh that breaks the kiss.

— kiss-with kiyoomi sakusa-your once reluctant friend and now?

— sakusa leans in again. this time his hand on your shoulder for stabilization. there’s no tongue or extra touches. it’s just the act.

— life is all about changes.

— you smile and decide, yeah, you can do this.

— before he can leave, however, he’s tugging at the collar of his jacket.

— “i prefer to use my own detergent. but you can have it back tomorrow.”

— or maybe just some adjustments.

[sunflowers-n-rocknroll]

Do I Wanna Know?

Pairing: Jensen x latina!reader

Warnings: angst

Word Count: 1,988

A/N: This was written for @anaelsbrunette​ Yas’s POC Reader Challenge. This was based on the song Do I Wanna Know? by Arctic Monkeys. I’ve never written POC reader before so hope you like it. ;)

“Everybody welcome Jensen Ackles to the stage!” The applause and cheering were so loud you winced. Jensen Ackles stood on the stage looking as if he owned it with a leather jacket and some dark jeans. You couldn’t lie he was good looking, but good looking boys were the ones that always knew how to break your heart in the worst ways.

You sighed once again wondering why you had agreed to come to work again. The place was small but packed. Apparently, it was some sort of VIP event and only those with enough money could pay to attend. But not you. You weren’t here to enjoy some guy in a leather jacket and guitar sing you were here to work at the bar and that was it.

People coming and going ordering a million different drinks was slowly driving you insane. You hoped this would be over soon. Someone like Jensen Ackles was probably busy and didn’t even have a moment to breathe.  

Song after song you handed out drinks and refrained from lashing out at the rude people. You needed the job.

“Thanks, everybody for coming out tonight, said Jensen. “I’ll be playing one last song tonight.” 

“Oh, gracias a Dios,” you breathed out a sigh of relief and your friend smirked over at you. 

“Have you got color in your cheeks?

Do you ever get that fear that you can't shift the type

That sticks around like summat in your teeth?

Are there some aces up your sleeve?

Have you no idea that you're in deep?

I've dreamt about you nearly every night this week

How many secrets can you keep?

'Cause there's this tune I found

That makes me think of you somehow and I play it on repeat

Until I fall asleep, spillin' drinks on my settee…”

The women were going wild and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. He was just a human, a human with an incredible voice and an equally attractive body. Sure you enjoyed music, but you knew this type of celebrities, they thought they were like gods.  

By the time the song was over, you were ready to go home and sleep preferably forever. The crowd started to diminish and you began cleaning up. 

“Oh my god! Did you see Jensen Ackles he was so hot,” your friend was basically jumping up and down. You were waiting for that comment all night and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes. 

“Cristina you fall in love with basically everybody.”

“I do not,” she gasped.

“What about that boy at the coffee shop yesterday? Or that guy that opened that door for you at the supermarket? Or that girl-”

“Ok ok fine I get it,” she held her hands up in surrender. “But you can’t deny it.”

“Cristina, there is nothing special about him. Sure he can sing, ¿y que? So what? I know about a dozen other people who can do that.”

“I’m sorry to interrupt,” said a voice behind you and you turned only to find Jensen Ackles sitting at the bar. “But uh can I get a whiskey?” 

You cleared your throat your face burning. “Uh yeah.” turning to grab a bottle you glared at your friend. “¿Cuánto tiempo ha estado allí?” 

“Since you started talking,” she whispered.

You turned around placing a coaster and glass in front of Jensen Ackles. You tried not to look at him as you poured whiskey into his glass but you felt his gaze on you. Some guys came by saying goodbye to Jensen and making plans for the week. Not that you were eavesdropping but they were right there. 

“It’s close to midnight and my sister is coming to pick me up, you need a ride?”

“No it’s fine I’ll be closing anyway. I’ll get a cab.” She nodded before hugging you and grabbing her things. 

You realized Jensen was still at the bar and you hoped he would leave already so you could go home. He stood placing some money at the bar before leaving. Ten minutes later you were making your way outside.

“Hey,” you turned. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you.” Jensen was standing there with his hands raised as if you would’ve tried to hit him. And you would have.

“Well, you did.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, you said that.”

“I thought you might need a ride.”

“I don’t.”

“Look it’s almost midnight-”

“I am not  sleeping with you.”

“What- no I am not-”

“Listen, pretty boy, I don’t need a ride from you. And I am not going to your place,” you slung your bag over your shoulder before turning around. 

“No, wait. I didn’t mean it like that. I was just offering a ride. Nothing else.”

“Why?”

“Because walking through the city in the middle of the night is dangerous.”

“And getting into some stranger’s car is not?” He looked down, one side of his mouth turning up. 

“Touche.”

You sighed knowing that you couldn’t deny his offer. “Ok fine.”

His head snapped up, “Wait really?”

“Just warning you, I will punch you if you try anything.” 

You gave him your address once in the car and waited for some comment about the area you lived in, but it never came. Surely someone like him had a nice house or apartment in the nicer part of the city. 

“Thanks for the ride,” you said.

“So there is nothing special about me?”

You winced, “You heard that?”

He chuckled, “I did.”

“Listen I’m sorry-”

“No no, I think that is a very fair opinion. But, I think you can make it up with a dinner.”

You opened your mouth then closed it not sure what to answer. He was asking you out?

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to I was just-”

“I uh I need to go,” he nodded and you got out of the car. Making your way to your door. You heard his car leave once you were inside. 

“He asked you out!” You and Cristina had a free period a decided to catch up on some homework outside. 

“Cristina stopped screaming. Yes, I already told you like a hundred times.”

“And you said no,” you stared at her. “Okay fine, fine.”

“And technically I didn’t answer.” 

“But it was Jensen Ackles!”

“Yeah, that’s why.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s on his way to becoming some great musician. And I’m a bartender still in school. And still living with my mom. Nada va a suceder. It’s going to be a good date and then that’s it. On to the next thing he knows he can get.”

“Y/N,” she pointed behind you, and standing right there was Jensen Ackles. “I uh gotta go back to class,” she grabbed her things before taking off. Great.

“You uh left this in my car yesterday,” standing up you took your jacket from him.

“Thanks. How did you know I was here?”

“I asked around in the bar.”

“Right.”

No one said anything before you both started talking at the same time. 

“I also didn’t get your name last night.”

“How long have you been there.”

You glanced away, “I’m Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N” 

“Jensen.”

“I know.”

He cleared his throat, “Right.”

“Listen I didn’t mean to be rude with what I just said.”

“Most people want to be with me for the money and fame. I don’t care about any of that.”

“I’m not most people,” you said. “I also don’t care to have my heart broken.”

“One date. One chance. Just- let me show you I’m sincere.” 

“Why? You can literally have anybody you want.”

“But I don’t want anybody. I just- there is something about you that I can’t figure out about you and it’s driving me insane.”

“One chance,” you said.

You were nervous and you weren’t even on the date yet. Cristina had come over to try and calm you down but you were having second thoughts about saying yes. 

“Y/N, mirame, hey look at me. If things go sideways you call me and I’ll pick you up.”

You nodded the knot in your stomach twisting tighter. The doorbell rang and you took a deep breath. Jensen was standing there in a flannel and some jeans and you couldn’t deny he looked good.

“Uh te-te ves hermosa,” he stuttered.

You smiled, “How long did it take you to learn that?”

He looked down rubbing the back of his neck. “All afternoon?”

It was late by the time you came back home, your stomach hurting from laughing too much.

“Gracias, thank you, for the date,” you smiled up at him. He was so close that you could smell his cologne. 

“It was my pleasure.”

“I uh- I better go.”

He cleared his throat, “Yeah, I’ll text you.”

It went like that for a week, Jensen showing up and taking you some place, nothing fancy or expensive but somewhere you could be together. Sometimes he would take you to one of his concerts and even though you teased him about it you enjoyed being there. Everything was good maybe just too good and of course it had to end. 

Coming late home from the bar one night all you wanted to do was sleep, your mom was in the kitchen, phone in hand.

“Hey what’s going on?”

“It’s your abuela, está enferma.”

“She’s sick? Is she going to get better?”

Your mom shook her head, “We have to go back to Mexico.”

Two days later you found yourself packing your bags. You had given your notice at school and at the bar. Cristina had come to say goodbye and it hurt to leave her. You were putting your bags in the car when a familiar car pulled up. Jensen stepping out with a frown on his face. 

“Hey what’s going on?”

“My grandma is sick and we have to go back home. Back to Mexico”

“For how long?”

“No lo sé. Couple of days? Maybe weeks?”

“And you weren’t going to tell me?” He sounded incredulous and you wished this conversation had happened when you were miles away and not be able to see the hurt on his face. 

“Jensen-”

“Y/N you were going to leave for who knows how long and not tell me?”

“I was going to tell you.”

“When? When you were miles away?” He nodded, running a hand down his face. “No, you can’t do that just because you’re scared.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re scared Y/N! You’re scared about this, about what we have!”

“Jensen this was never going to last! This was nice, but we both know you weren’t going to end up with somebody like me and I am not going to end up with somebody like you. Lo siento. I have to go,” you turned getting in the car, trying not to look back. The better he accepted the truth the better it would be for you. By the time you were back in Mexico he would probably already have found somebody else. 

Jensen stood there not knowing what to say or do. She was leaving. She was leaving him. But she felt something for him. He hadn’t just imagined the past week. And it wasn’t just some simple crush that he felt, this went way deeper than that and he had to find out if she felt that same way for him. He saw your friend come out of the house by the time your car was pulling away.

“Cristina it’s Cristina right? Do you know where in Mexico Y/N is staying?” she nodded and he knew what he had to do because she had caught his eye in that bar even before he had ordered that drink. He couldn’t let her go. He had to know, even if the answer wasn’t what he wished for it to be, he had to know. 

TAGS: @akshi8278​

[mairen-marionette]

So, I was talking about Tales with my friends who know absolutely nothing about it

And one of them deadass told me

“Idk why but Helga and Moon sound related when you talk about them.”

Like?? Now im curious about it, what if Helga was Moon’s mom? Would she also be John John’s mon? Im very confused

Wasn't The Village That Went Mad ages before The Masquerade and The Wild West though? I think it was actually, or at least, it was implied to be a really, really long ago so I don't think they were even in the same period.

If they were related though, if Helga were Moon's mother, she'd also be John's mom if the two are blood related, but other than that I don't know. And if Moon and John were blood siblings, John would have been born first considering he is older- depending on what you want to go with, they could be full siblings or half siblings through either Helga or whoever their father was. Depends on what you want to go with honestly- a shared mother means they would've grown up together and known about each other their whole lives, while a shared father usually results in neither sibling knowing about each other until later, especially if it was the result of an affair or something otherwise out of wedlock, even more so in those days.

Basically, what I'm saying here is that this specific scenario has a lot of potential for family drama. Particularly, John and Moon being half-brothers through their father- John is older, a fair bit older, and let's just say that, usually, the father half of the equation doesn't end up raising the lovechild. Yeah, John would have a lot of questions here, ones that would likely go answered assuming his father is dead and thus can't answer for his actions.

However, I do know one thing- if Helga ever had any children, their biological father would be, to put it politely, uncertain, and would likely be assumed to have been either her husband or whoever the timeline best matches up with- legally, Jimmy would be the father, since the child was born within their marriage. They all try not to think about whether or not the kid looks more like Bob than Jimmy. If the baby were fathered by an outsider, that'd be more noteworthy.

Anyways, in conclusion, even if Helga lived in the same time period as and was Moon's mom, she would not necessarily be John's mother, and John would, in fact, have a lot of questions upon going down into his bar one morning and finding a much younger orphan child in his bar who looks way too much like him holding a letter addressed to his late father, penned by some lady named Helga, claiming that this little kid- whose name, he learns, is Matthew- is John's father's lovechild. Oh, and that if anyone is seeing this latter, Helga herself is most likely dead.

I imagine John would calmy put the letter back down, take a breath, walk outside, scream, and then come back in and put his new half-brother to work and just get him settled in later when he's better able to process everything. He may or may not be acting overly helpful and chipper while working that day, and just dodges the question whenever anyone asks who the kid is or why John was screaming earlier or if he’s okay. Needless to say, Sherman is concerned, and when John breaks and shows him the letter later, all is explained. John and Moon end up bonding and getting really close, it's fine.

Honestly, in general, I've seen Helga as more like being one of Quackity's ancestors or past incarnations or something like that. Her being Moon's mother is an interesting concept though, despite the fact that it's very unlikely if outright impossible. Had a lot of fun with this though, it's fun to think about.

[fairycosmos]

i hate grief bc i've wanted to die my whole life and thinking about the person i lost never wanted to make me stay but now that they are the ones who died i'm angry as fuck every day and feel trapped but i know that if it had been me the one to die it would have been ok and i wouldnt even have worried about it/hurting ppl with my death. like every day i do H and get drunk and i dont care about dying you know? but i lost someone and it makes me angry that THEY didnt care. do you get what i mean?

i am really really sorry for your loss. yeah. i know what you mean, at least to an extent. everyone’s grief and suffering is unique to them and the relationship they had with the one who passed, but i can relate so much to being trapped and mad and out of my mind. i think a lot of people can. it seems like so many of us are walking around half disillusioned by this existence and half completely done with it because of the shit we’ve been through. every day i feel a form of anger (most of the time it is cold and numbing) when i think about how my sister died. i have gone round and round in my head about why she did the things she did. because even if it wasn’t fully preventable, it wasn’t cancer or a car crash or anything like that. when i found out what she had in her system. god. i can not explain to you what that moment was like. it fucking choked me. all i remember is i felt my heart beating somewhere in my head, and i was PISSED. i thought i was going to pass out. because it’s like you said - she didn’t care, and that was almost like proof. she went to sleep thinking nothing of anything. mindless. after weeks of lecturing her, after her constant presence in my life, all that time. after years of her fucking around w other drugs and finally finding stability only to slip for less than a month bc of some fucking man, only to lose her entire life to a mistake - it’s inexplicable. i can sit here and write to you about it but i still cant’t fathom it. how she didn’t give a fuck, or she couldn’t see the situation clearly enough to. and now i’m living this forever without her. now i have to take care of my mother alone. now i’ve lost my best friend. and she lost everything. she was a whole person, she would’ve had years left and she deserved to. and the only reason she didn’t is because she couldn’t fuckin accept how much she was worth, how much life was worth so she gambled w death. what i’m saying is i understand that in a way, maybe a selfish way, i don’t know -  it almost feels mocking. because we’ll never know if they realize what they’ve done. after she died that’s all i could repeat out loud in the shower. i kept saying: you don’t know what you’ve done. idiot, stupid girl. shit like that. every time i tried to talk to her, it was a lecture. so yeah. it is very very normal to be pissed off and bitter dude. it is not easy or fair to be left behind. it’s all a normal part of grief. losing it entirely is the whole thing because honestly what else can you do.

i could be wrong but. unfortunately i think all of these emotions, in the context of you, stem from the fact that it is easier to care for others than it is to care about yourself. you’re not bothered about yourself dying because you don’t have the same love for yourself that you had for the one who passed. you don’t see yourself as important in that way. i don’t know what happened to make you feel like that. maybe whatever it was lead you to use drugs n alcohol to escape in the first place. maybe you think you not mattering is some sort of universal truth, but it’s not. it’s a belief you constructed either out of pain or as a trauma response that you’ve clung onto so much that you’ve convinced yourself it’s reality. it’s clear you’re going through an insurmountably difficult time, and i know words on a screen aren’t going to change that. i wont pretend to get it first hand. i just want you to know that the same way you wish your friend had realized the worth in their life before it was too late, that same anger born from frustration and sadness - that’s how a lot of people likely feel about you. and i know you don’t care about hurting them w your death because you don’t care about anything. your friend didn’t care, why should you, right? but that’s how the cycle perpetuates. and you’re the one who has to live with this all now, stuck here or not. try to periodically and consciously recognize how fucked up and permanent grief is. you don’t want to be the one to cause it. not really. not when you can see it for what it is and you have the option to prevent it. you are here no matter how much you wish not to be. you do deserve to find substantial peace, stability and good health while you still can. that’s non negotiable. even if it takes a fucking life time getting there.

i completely understand that it is all far easier said than done. that you have to be the one who is willing to reach out for help and to really stick w a plan but. i guess i just hope you know that the option will always be waiting for you when you are willing to seek it out. whether it’s through a hotline, rehab, your doctor, your friends and family, 2 hours without using or drinking. any step in the right direction is commendable. you are absolutely more resilient than you realize. more in general than you realize. you’ve had to deal with so much, just the most unimaginable things, and you’re still here. i know that’s because you feel you have no real choice in the matter, back to being trapped here. but nonetheless you’re making it. you can learn to treat yourself w the same regard that you treated your friend. you can learn to care about what happens to you. you can slowly make a home out of what you currently see as a jail.  through talking, through implementing healthier coping mechanisms into your daily life, through building a support system, through confronting and processing how much it hurts, through finding the clarity that comes with progress. all the things your brain wants you to write off. addiction and mental illness are genuine health concerns that require long lasting therapy and treatment just like any other ailment. and maybe the point is to learn to live with them, rather than to cure them entirely. but they are not a death sentence (and that is a good thing), and they are not the entirety of you. you are just currently very overwhelmed by them, understandably so.  excuse me if this is all sounds like naïve bullshit, but maybe some day you will be able to take some of it on board if you can’t right now. anyway, it sounds cliche as fuck, but every day that you’re alive you’re keeping your friend’s influence on this world alive too. you were shaped by them, in more ways than you realize. and they’re here in more ways than we realize too. not necessarily ghosts, at least imo. but just around. and in your head, in the universe. i am rooting for you so much and i hope you can accept that even if it all feels like lies, it’s ok to treat yourself w kindness. any attempt is good enough. sending a lot of love your way. please take care of yourself as much as possible. please consider your needs and your well being while you still have the choice to. sorry to go all 90s drug prevention ad on you btw, but u know me. i’m incapable of shutting up and minding my business abt this sort of thing lol

[j-hoseok94]

Book:House of Cards

Author:ReyRey

01•02•03•04

Four

The question rolled off his tongue a little too easily as I stood stunned and not knowing exactly what to say, I just looked up at his cute little bunny smile. "Uhh.. well..T-This weekend?" I looked down almost not wanting to say yes but also not wanting to lose the chance to find out what he was asking exactly. He kept his eyes on me and i wish that he wasn't so close to me so I could think. I didn't really have anything to do but i had to make it look like i was a busy girl. I chewed on my bottom lip over thinking what he was asking. "Um i'm actually not busy this weekend. Why do you ask?"

His smile growing as he heard what I said. "So what you're saying is you're free?" I nodded as he rubbed his thumb along his bottom lip. I couldn't help but look at his bottom lip looking slightly puffy and as pink as a cherry blossom tree in the middle of spring. They looked irresistible and I knew he was rubbing his thumb there on purpose just so it would draw my attention there.

He chuckled and let his hand fall to his side as he continued to stare. "That's actually great cause Jimin is throwing a party on Saturday and you are now my plus one princess."

My mouth dropped open,"I-I.." Honestly i was at a loss for words, here I was a very shy awkward girl who really only had one friend, and here he was one of the most popular guys in our school asking me to a party. "Great so I'll let you know what time it starts and where it's at. See you on Saturday princess."He pushed a strand from my face and tucked it behind my ear. His touch gentle but intentional, i couldn't breathe and was still in shock as I watched him walk away.

'What the actual fuck just happened?' I asked myself as I started walking home. Soon enough my best friend was there waking next to me. I was still in my thoughts not even really noticing him talking to me about his day. As I pulled myself out of my very puzzled thoughts i listened to what he was saying,"You wouldn't even believe my day Rose! My crush she lent me a pencil! Oh god why is she so freaking pretty i can't even form words, i'm too shy. Rose! Rose? Are you even listening to me?"

I laughed, he acted like such a girl sometimes well to be honest he was only that way around me cause we grew up together and I rubbed off on him. He used to be so serious and he tries too hard, but he is super sweet and whoever ends up with him would be lucky to have him. He's a big teddy bear and way too shy for his own good. I've tried to break him out of his little shell he's formed over the years from the constant rejection, but nothing I do really works. I mean shit ladies he's not ugly and he's always working out so his body was always in tip top shape. Though he is a huge nerd and a dork so i guess why some girls are like ehh. Still he was adorable in his own way.

"I'm listening chipmunk calm down you're acting like a female." He pouted at me calling him a chipmunk but he let it go.

Deepening his voice on purpose,"I'm not a female i'm a man." I died of laughter having to stop in my tracks and hunch over strands of my hair falling forward. "Aw man you're hilarious. How could you even say that when you were practically squealing over a girl lending you a pencil?" I scrunch my eyebrows at him and continued walking wiping the tears that came to my eyes from laughing so hard.He punched my arm,"Hey! Don't be mean." I wrapped my arm around his shoulder, "Oh chipmunk you're adorable sometimes." I giggled as we walked the rest of the way to my house.

~

It was late, maybe around 10 pm i glanced at my passed out best friend he was sprawled across my couch. His long bangs covering one of his eyes as he lightly snored. It was adorable and he looked like a little kid when he was knocked out like this. I grabbed my fluffy blue blanket gently placing it over my best friend as I pushed his bangs from his face, he shifted, I froze fearing that i woke him up but after a moment he resumed his light snoring. I let out my held breath "Pheww that was close.." I tiptoed to my room and climbed into my soft bed making sure to place my phone on it's charger.

BZZ..

I groaned 'I was just getting comfy' I rolled over grabbing my phone and unlocking the screen.

JUNGKOOK:

I'm excited for Saturday princess i hope you are to 😉

I did a double take as i realized it was Jungkook texting me..and it was 10 at night why was he messaging me so late.

ROSE:

WTH it's freaking 10 at night why are you messaging me so late? How did you even get my number?

BZZ..

JUNGKOOK:

It's not that hard for a person like me to get your number sweetheart.

I grew annoyed with his pet names they made me cringe.

ROSE:

Stop calling me weird names creeper. Anyways i never actually said i would go with you soo..

I smirked at my response trying to unleash some of my smart ass qualities ..it wasn't working.

BZZ..

JUNGKOOK:

Aww princess it was never an option. I'm Jungkook i always get what i want and right now i want you. You'll soon realize how you truly feel for me.

I read the text slightly disturbed 'What the hell was he thinking i didn't like him like that, i mean yeah he's hot but i would never date him. How would he 'make me' like what was he gonna do, kidnap me?' i paused at my thoughts as they turned dark. i shook my head 'no he was a creep but he wouldn't stoop that low.'

I decided to leave the conversation at that not wanting to waste time on him. I laid down letting my eyelids close as I drifted to sleep wanting this week to be done with.

~

It was Friday finally and that meant the party was tomorrow. I was actually nervous i had never been to a party let alone invited to one and here one of the biggest fuckboys in school was pretty much making me go. I closed my locker swiftly and locked it as i was about to turn around i heard footsteps stop behind me. I didn't want to turn around what if it was Yoongi he was avoiding me like the plague ever since he lost his temper in the hallway. I took a deep breath,"Why hello Princess how's your day going?" I stifled a groan. Jungkook. I turned around, fast to respond in a smart ass way, but as I turned I was met with three other guys standing around Jungkook. I froze, my mouth agape like an idiot. "What's wrong Rose? Finally have nothing to say back?" I scowled at him clutching my books so tight to my chest causing my boobs to be smashed closer to me. He looked down at my actions, eyebrows raising a small grin forming on his face.

"Don't even think about it!" i scolded him,"What do you want Jungkook?"

"I already told you princess i want you" I rolled my eyes at him ignoring his comment.

"Are you not gonna introduce us to your friend here Kookie?" a very tall angelic man said nudging Jungkook with his elbow. Kookie rolled his eyes now with a scoff,"Sure Taehyung you can meet Rose." The tall guy reached out his hand his half blonde half pink hair looking intentionally messy which only added to angelic features his contacts making him have blue eyes made me melt a little. I smiled weakly up towards him extending my hand out to meet his. He had such big hands but they were soft as fuck. "I'm Taehyung but you can call me Tae. It's nice to finally put a pretty face to the name." He smiled a cute ass boxy smile and I couldn't help but feel a little more relaxed. I giggled maybe a little too much,"Nice to meet you Tae."

Jungkook looking a little irritated,"Well i mind as well introduce everyone then. Hoseok, Jimin this is Rose." I shifted my attention to the other guys standing beside kookie. Hoseok had brown hair and brown eyes, taller than me, but to be fair everyone was taller than me. His smile was like a ray of sunshine as he waved to me. "Hiiiii Rose, You can call me Hobi." I smiled politely and waved back.

Jimin ,who was a few inches taller than me, had purplish grey hair and he had some grey contacts on which complimented his hair. He looked at me sideways checking me out head to toe. "Great choice for your plus one Jungkook. Don't break her alright." He patted Kookie's shoulder and turned to walk away not even giving me another glance. Jungkook looked over his shoulder to Jimin with a chuckle,"No promises ChimChim."

I stared after Jimin wide eyed 'Break her? Wth did he think was gonna happen at this party!' I glared at Jungkook disgusted with his response. I would make him wish he could have me. "I have class I'll see you guys tomorrow at the party right? Tae and Hobi?" They looked at me, smiled and nodded,"Great bye boys." Deciding to be bold and confident for once in my life I built up the courage and I gently brushed my finger under Tae's chin, "I'll see you later handsome." Winking at him i walked right past a very wide eyed Jungkook and ran my finger across Hobi's chest, "You too Hobi."

I continued off to class turning a corner, my confidence faltering as I realized what I just did. I started shaking 'What the fuck was that? Where did that come from? I was just so damn triggered that Jungkook even thought he had a chance. I didn't mean for that to come off that way. Fuck.'

I tried my very best to forget that had even happened. For the rest of the day I stayed to myself not talking much. Last period came and Yoongi actually showed up for class plopping down next to me. He looked over at me. I had my chin resting on my hand and I was fiddling with my pencil not paying any real attention to him. "What's wrong with you? Boyfriend break up with you or something?"

I scrunch my eyebrows and let a light laugh escape my mouth. "What boyfriend? No one here wants to date me." I said in a low voice, not having enough energy to hold my tongue or hide my low self esteem.He scrunched his eyebrows at me looking almost upset at my comment but I just assumed I was over analyzing. I sighed deeply closing my eyes for a moment,"Look, I don't really wanna talk today so i don't care what you do for the project i gave my ideas so do with it what you want. Okay?" He nodded not saying anything else.

I really didn't wanna go to this stupid party tomorrow my anxiety was already high as fuck and now it was taking it's toll on my energy. If I don't go Jungkook would probably show up at my house like the creep he is and drag me out of the house. 'What would i even wear?' I didn't have any chick friends so asking for fashion advice was a no go. My best friend he had no idea about girls fashion and he had never been to a party as far as i knew so again a no. I glanced over at Yoongi who had his headphones in his ears clearly lost in his music occasionally jotting down corrections to be made to the rhythm.

He had on black little hoop type earrings, a yellow Rolling Stones t-shirt with white suspenders attached to his dark blue torn jeans, black combat boots and a black leather jacket with pins and zippers on it. He looked cute and obviously he had some sense of fashion I decided to ask him. I would probably instantly regret it but I didn't have anyone else to ask that would be honest. I nudged his elbow a little he didn't even budge. I nudged again... Nothing. 'Alright i guess i have to resort to extreme measures.' I reached up and ruffled his minty hair causing it to stick up in a weird way. He flinched and almost fell out of his chair. "What the hell!?" he looked over at me eyes blazing with anger. I couldn't help but laugh at his reaction covering my mouth with my sleeve trying to stay quiet.

"I'm sorry...You.... You weren't responding to my nudges...So I had to resort to... extreme measures." laughing in between every few words.

He scratched his head and started running his fingers through his hair trying to fix what i messed up,"What do you want?"

I cleared my throat and sat upright. "So Jungkook is making me go to this party Jimin is throwing tomorrow and i don't know what to wear honestly cause, i've never been invited to parties so I guess what I'm asking is what should i wear?" I rambled on for too long it seemed.

He just looked at me, his face expressionless. "Jungkook invited you? Ha what the hell was he thinking, inviting someone like you to Jimin's party? Well you don't have the curves for a dress and you probably don't know how to walk in heels..honestly the clothes you wear to school is unattractive so i don't see why you would even go. To top it all off you don't even have that pretty of a face. Just stay home."

As he finished his rant i was so shocked i didn't even notice the tears that had welled up in my eyes, slowly spilling over the edge. "You didn't need to be such a jerk about it Yoongi!" I grabbed my book bag and without another look back i ran out of the class not caring that it wasn't over yet. I ran blurry eyed and all to the exit not wanting to even be in the same building as him. 'Why did I ever think Min Yoongi was anything more than an asshole.' I ran my ass all the way home, not stopping until I got there.

-Yoongi-

Yoongi wasn't trying to hurt her feelings he was just so consumed with anger at Jungkook. How could he invite Rose to Jimin's party what was his end goal? Oh who was he kidding it's Kookie we all knew his end goal. Yoongi just wanted to protect her to keep her from making the same mistakes other girls did when they went with Kookie. If he had to make her hate him he was willing to go that far. He didn't understand why he was so protective of her. He just was, she was too innocent for this world and too fragile. Perfect like an untouchable statue or better yet a Goddess.

He walked aimlessly after class the memory of her crying face as she stared at him. His heart ached 'Why did she have to look so heartbroken' He hated seeing her sad let alone cry he just wanted to hold her and run his fingers through her long black hair. He suppressed his thoughts. He knew he could never be with her the way he was thinking. He kept brushing it off like it meant nothing to him. There was no way he had actual feelings for her. 'It's just sexual tension that's all, i just need to get her and then i'll be over it.' He laughed it off like what he thought was the truth. 'Now I have to go to this party and make sure Kookie behaves.' He shoved his hands in his pocket and headed home. Mentally noting that he had to get to Rose first before Kookie could get his grubby little hands on her.

'Watch yourself Kookie you're playing a dangerous game. One you're not prepared to play.'

He lowered his head at the thought, letting his Minty bangs cover his eyes as he smiled.

XX

[blake-bellamyblake]

The bet.

I was new in town and oh boy don't I just know it. The amount of stares I received for being the new girl at school was getting ridiculous. There was the usual crowds the jocks, the popular girls, band geeks, and.. well.. there was me.

I was never good in social situations so fitting it was never my strong point. Nor was I ever desperate enough to make myself fit into these stereotypes. I live with my older sister as my parents died when we was little! She had no choice but to look after me. Her names emma and we are the complete opposite of each other! She's into all the new fashions and trends, plans her outfits religiously the night before, where as i really just shove on any old thing in my wardrobe at last minute. emma recently got a job working as a receptionsist at the yellow tower? Or was it the white tower! I really should start to listen. So here we are, where my story begins at hemlock grove!

**It was the usual day at school boring lessons and sitting by myself at lunch time. This repeated for the next 3 weeks. Untill I met letha. She was blonde, skinny and my god was she beautiful. We became really close and exchanged numbers. We would text each other all day and night. We really hit it off. I always thought to my self why did she befriend me?

letha introduced me to them. Roman godfrey and Peter Rumancek. Meeting them was the biggest mistake of my life. Let me rewind the story a bit.

It all started off great, 3 new friends we did everything together. I met them as letha was having a small quiet gathering at her house. Her mum and dad went out for the weekend so we had the place to ourselfs. I arrived first at letha' s house she gave me my go to drink vodka n coke, Helps with the nerves. She told me she had two other friends coming over. Never in my mind would I thought it would be boys. I mean I wasn't a virgin or anything i had my fair share of trouble when it came to boys. And trouble was soon to find me again.

********************************************

Flash back

Letha: "Y/N this is roman, my cousin.

Holy shit

he was breath taking. Tall, dark and handsome. Definatly handsome you thought to yourself.

"hi roman nice to meet you my name's Y/N" you replied back hoping he didn't notice you staring wide eyed at him.

Peter came walking through the door way moments after. Phew. This was awkward.

We all exchanged pleasantries and chatted away like we'd known each other for years.

The drinks was flowing and the drinking games began. truth or dare like we were 15 year olds again. I should of noticed or realised something was up at this point but couple of drinks is enough to wipe out my "somethings not right here" part of my brain. I should of seen the smirk from Peter. Moments later roman and Peter left the room leaving me with letha.

*************

Peter: so I've got an idea...more of a bet really

Roman: go on?

Peter: I bet you can't, get Y/N to fall in love with you

Roman: and why would I want to do that? She's not exactly my type.

Peter: scared she's gonna resit you?

Roman: not a chance! I'm in! How long do I have?

Peter: 4 months.

The boys returned back to the living room and the game of truth or dare continued. You kept noticing roman staring at you from the corner of your eye. What's his problem you thought

Peter: Roman! Its your turn..truth or dare

Roman chuckles realising what Peter is trying to do. Dare he replied.

Peter: umm I dare you.. to umm.. kiss...... Y/N.

You nearly chocked on your drink upon hearing your name. WHAT. Oh god.

You couldn't make eye contact just sat there silent I mean you wasn't going to dismiss the idea but infront of everyone glaring. Awks

Your palms became clammy as you saw the tall silhouette walking towards. Oh god. Oh god.

Roman knelt down infront of you asking for your permission to go ahead.

You just nodded your head as he slowly made his way towards your lips. He surprised you. He held your face gently as he kissed you. He moved away to take a breath before coming back for more. Looking at him you didn't think it would feel like this, you imagined in that split second it would be rushed and rough.

Peter and letha started giggling and cheering behind you which made you come back to reality.

Letha: okay guys let's get on with the game I don't want to see you two necking on all night. She laughed

You felt you cheeks flush. Holy shit that was amazing.

Roman sat beside you instead of returning back to his seat. Your hand was touching the floor as you knelt on your knee' s watching letha and Peter get dared numerous of funny stuff.

You could of sworn he kept gliding over your hand on purpose. Was he trying to get a reaction out of you? Or was this just the alcohol. Probably the alcohol you thought.

Next day:

You Had just gotten off the bus when you saw Letha run up to you and gave you the biggest hug and whispered something in your ear, you wasn't able to catch what she said so you made a mental note to ask her later. Before she dragged you off to first period.

You was sat next to a lovely guy called james and you helped him with the science questions as he repeatedly told you he didn't understand no matter how hard you explained it to him. You spent the majoirty of the lesson laughing together untill you both had tears in your eyes. The Bell was just about to go so you packed all your belongings up And that's when you saw him. glaring at you from the doorway. Eyes fixated on you which made you nervous seriously what is his problem and that stare!

Roman: Who was that

um james, he's really nice you replied

Roman: ok well fuck him, I'm taking you out tonight be ready for 8, wear something hot babe He winked as he said 'babe'

Y/N: What? Wait roman

Too late he had disappeared into the crowds. What does this mean you thought and babe seriously you rolled your eyes and rushed off to go find letha to tell her what just happened.

Y/N: you never guess what ... you began to say

Before letha interrupted you "he likes you Y/n" she spat out all giddy

What? Is all you managed to string out.

Roman! He likes you. he wouldn't stop talking about you after you left and kept asking me places where he should take you.

You didn't know what to say you just sat there trying to take it all in. He likes me? You kept repeating in your head HE LIKES ME you tried to play it cool and act like you wasn't interested. Lies all lies. You was beyond bursting with excitement.

School ended and you and letha rushed back to your house and raided your sisters wardrobe in preparation for your date.

8pm soon arrived and there he was standing infront of his red car wearing black skinny jeans and A white shirt. Fuck! Your knees nearly bookeld at the sight of him.

"wow you look beautiful Y/N" Roman stated as he held the car door open for you. Wow what a gentleman. He took us to a restaurant which he had booked out for just us, a nice romantic candlit dinner it was perfect. I mean I knew he had money but I didn't think he was this rich.

The rest of the night was perfect you didn't want it to end. He dropped you off and walked you to your front door.

Night baby he winked before planting a kiss on you.

*******

Since that night you and roman had become inseparable. You began dating not long after your first date it was just coming up to 4 months. Things were perfect and you was the happiest you've ever been. Roman was the perfect boyfriend and was forever complimenting you and showing you affection. You had no reason to doubt him right?

Soon came around our 4 month anniversary and roman had planned a weekend away. Nothing warmed your heart more when roman took hold of your hand and gently looked at you, it was almost like he was nervous. You laughed at the thought of roman being nervous he always acted so in control.

Y/N I wanted to bring you here to make it a night to remember, to show how much you mean to me! I never thought I would ever... Umm. ..I never thought I could.

What's wrong roman. you cut him off? Why was he stuttering over his words.

Roman: I'm in love with you Y/N

Those words made your heart flutter, you thought you was going to be sick from bursting with happiness

Y/N: I love you too roman godfrey

With hearing you say it back to him he threw his arms around your face kissing you over and over, slowly at first then getting more passionate.

************************

On the return home you rang letha and told her everything that had happened and how roman had confessed his love for you. She was so happy for us! Spent the night chatting untill you both fell asleep.

After school you went round to Romans house as you did everyday. It got to the point you didn't knock anymore you just let your self in, you spent a short while talking to shelly and Olivia before heading off to find roman.

You walked down the many corridors of the godfrey mansion before over hearing talking it was roman and Peter.

they hadn't noticed you hovering around so you decided to hide and see what kind of stuff boys spoke about. Lame I know

You wish you didn't.

Peter: I can't believe you actually won man

Peter: What did she say when you told her you loved her? Peter began laughing. Oh come on roman don't go all quiet on me now.

Roman: Peter stop I need..

Peter cut off roman before he could finish.

You best not be going soft on me now you agreed to this bet.

What. The. Fuck. You felt as if your heart was gonna split in two right then.

" what bet" you came from hiding behind the door. " WHAT BET" you didn't realise you had began shouting.

Peter with a smug look on his face declared" I put on a bet with roman to see if he could get you to fall in love with him"

Roman looked paler than ever, just stood there staring at you.

The tears began falling from your eyes as you rushed out the door.

"Y/N WAIT" roman screamed chasing after you " BABY WAIT"

you stopped and turned around " dont ever call me that again roman" you exclaimed!

Y/N please let me explain, roman said in a low voice

"Explain what? That you did all this for a stupid bet! I love you roman" the last few words were more of a muble as your voice became shaking as the tears kept pouring.

" I did at first ...do it as a bet, but I soon fell in love with you Y/N that part was all true, I know you don't believe me right now but your the only person who's ever made me feel like this. I forgot about the bet with Peter untill just then when I told him about our weekend away and that I told you I loved you" Roman pleaded his voice now becoming as weak and pathetic as yours.

You noticed tears slowly falling his cheek.

" I can't forgive you Roman, it's over.. we're over"

And with that you ran down the corridor and out of the mansion running as fast as your legs could take you. Running anywhere as long as your now weakened body would take you.

Roman watched you leave as he fell to the floor his heart was truly breaking! He really did love you. He knows he should of told you about the bet, but how could he?

*******

This was the day roman godfrey broke my heart in two.

[juliansummerhayes]

Aches and pains

“The older I grow, the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” ― H.L. Mencken

Age brings on a myriad of petty and sometimes serious issues. Living with them is a matter less of perseverance than it is quiet acceptance. Not endurance or grit or hard-edged pain but simply being embodied to whatever is arising. Of course, if you're on your umpteenth round of chemo or radiotherapy, I'm not suggesting you (as they say) grin and bear it, but I wonder what we might learn that isn't just in the words "I'll fight this thing"?

But actually, it's not the monstrous type of pain that I mean to refer to but something much subtler, namely, the creaking joints (hips, knees and shoulders seem to bear the brunt of our lifestyle choices), the sore limb or the state of ennui that often befalls us when we realise that time has most definitely passed us by and we're not super-human as we once were; or at least we can't climb the stairs without having to pause or begin to gently perspire.

Of course, when you're in your teens and early years no one tells you about this stuff. The old people are just old and you assume that that's just the way it is, however it shows up. Being in it or there is a whole other thing.

One thing that endlessly fascinates me, don't ask me why, is the way the skin of my hands has been changing these past few years. In the right conditions and light, I think they look like the hands of an 80-year-old -- and that's no exaggeration. The smoothness is all gone, only to be replaced by some crinkly, eviscerated overlay that really does make me look a lot older than my 54 years. Perhaps I'm being a bit too self-conscious, or I've got too much time on my hands, or I want things to look different. I'm not sure but I might start to take some photographs, if only for my own benefit, to illustrate a very real manifestation of old age.

And then there's the medication. Between my wife and I, we seem to have started to take more and more damn pills. I also include a steroidal inhaler for my late-onset asthma. What a complete pain: some days I'm right as rain; others, well, I can hardly catch my breath, until I'm well and truly full to the brim of steroids.

But we're lucky, right?

It could be a great deal worse. In fact, if you look at age expectancy down the years, it wouldn't have been that long ago -- a few centuries perhaps -- that both of us would be dead by now. As an example, if you know a man born in 1935 they were expected to live to the age of 59.9. In my case, I'd have less than five years left. Scary, eh!

At the end of the day though, none of this matters. We're born, we live for a very short period of time, and then we die. I know we like to think of our lives and those closest to us as significant but they're not. You don't believe me or think I'm being tendentious, well, go to your local graveyard and look at the headstones from the 19th century and see how many are: a) properly maintained, b) have flowers on the grave and c) have anyone visit them. Having done my fair share of burials -- a few hundred to be precise -- I can tell you that I never saw any that met the aforementioned criteria. Those people had long since been forgotten or not remembered enough to warrant a scintilla of attention.

Anyhow, it's another brand new day. I hope to go for a long walk at some point without the dogs. Dartmoor most likely but we'll see.

Blessings,

-- JS

Photo by Kaspars Eglitis on Unsplash