#but to chuck hes seeing all of who jimmy has been and its like a bias being confirmed. he has a reason to hate him

[alexilulu]

Finished watching Better Call Saul with the gf

Pretty damn good show. It's a fascinating show in a lot of ways because its coming in after a critically acclaimed, decade defining show and looking backwards at a story that (despite some hiccups; looking at you, double length season 2) is essentially as good as it could be and going "but what if I made you really spend some time with a bunch of those guys?"

Better call saul Spoilers from here on

Practically, it's a story about telling you one story, so it can tell you another one. You have to know about Chuck, because it defines the way that Jimmy approaches the law. You have to learn about Kim, because she drags him forward as much as she keeps him in check. Even Mike, a character you got to know very well in Breaking Bad, has to be elaborated on to place Jimmy on the board in the spot he has to be in to make it in with Gustavo (and get Mike there too). All of it is about saying "and, well, you gotta know what comes after, right?"

All of it places everything on the table for the grand show: getting one over on Howard for good. The show is about Jimmy, but it's as much about the conned as it is about the conman. And from the start, Howard has been dancing in Jimmy's cross hairs, through only a little fault of his own. It's as much about the ways in which Howard is the object of Jimmy's hatred as it is about Howard reaching out again and again to try to do the right thing (or an approximation; Howard is as much a product of Chuck as Jimmy is, and he took all the good lessons, even the condescending ones).

So of course, all of that led to the inevitable fall, placing Howard and Jimmy and Lalo in the same room together, and end with Howard sprayed across Kim's living room wall. The show ended when Howard died. Everything else is just history playing out, one inevitability into another until Jimmy had one final attack of conscience and drew Kim back in to say goodbye, in the most Saul Goodman way possible.

The tragedy of Jimmy McGill's fall to me is that he has something deep down in his soul that works correctly. Even as early as season 1, he dutifully knows every one of his class action litigants, their preferences, their troubles, and even in his main practice he's doing the work and doing it right. But it's hard. And it's slow. And Jimmy knows an easy way to gin up a quick W, and it's not ever on the right side of legal.

The most striking scene for me is the final flashback in season 6, of Saul and Walt in the escape bunker waiting to be airlifted to their new lives. The motif of the episode is regret, to look back on your own life and consider your actions and what you would change. First, he asks Mike what he would do with a time machine, and Mike replies with stopping himself from taking his first bribe, while Saul says he'd invest a million dollars in Berkshire Hathaway. With Walt, he asks, and after some Walt-like arguing arrives at regretting leaving his college buddies company. Saul...offers up the time he hurt himself as Slippin' Jimmy. Walter, in the most accurate read he will ever make of another person, remarks that Saul really was always like this.

Even if he sees the right thing to do and does it, there's an inevitability to the fall for him. Saul is a man who looks at a situation and feels satisfied, until that yawning hunger opens up in him again, and he goes out in search of the next high.

[iorekbyrinson]

lalo salamanca headcanons

He's a black-hearted asshole. It's an important core aspect of his character and it can't be ignored.

He has a dead sibling. My HC is a dead sister who got married and then her husband killed her. Death lives cheek by jowl in the Salamanca family. There's a reason for those empty spaces.

He wasn't born with severe antisocial tendencies, and a naturally extroverted personality made him more open to experiences than some of his more rigid relatives. The rot set in to the idealism early, maybe 7 or 8 years old. I actually see the twins grappling with suppressing their feelings more than Lalo - he's the perfect adaptable boy-Prince that adapts to suit the family, and never really took the time to build anything under that veneer. He takes information in purely to benefit himself or benefit his family. The emotionality and empathy has been stripped away. This is a DARK character.

One of the roles he's tried on that he's put a little more into is the benefactor role to the peasants that live on/or near his estate, in fact most of the underlings associated with the Salamanca holdings. It reinforces to Lalo a sense of benevolence, which at its core is still basically transactional. The people under him have no choice to do what they do. It's the performance of helping them out that makes Lalo feel good about himself.

He was absolutely going to murder Kim when Jimmy left. That whole speech about the people the assassins killed at his hacienda reeked of a tit-for-tat situation. He no longer trusted Jimmy at all so he had no further utility to him as a lawyer. He was going to kill Jimmy's wife as punishment for that, torture the truth out of Jimmy when he returned from the laundrette, and then kill him.

Lalo's blue shoes tie into what I mentioned about him having an attachment to being seen as perfect/a benefactor/on the "right" side of things. Blue = personal law in BCS. Lalo never does anything that doesn't benefit himself or his family, so he always sees himself as following the correct path. He feels 100% justified in his sabotage mission against Gus, and then in the atrocities he commits in attempting to come back and bring him up in front of Eladio. He would actually feel morally angry at the implication any of that wasn't right - you protect yourself and you protect your family. In his eyes, he's bringing a liar and a traitor to justice, a snake who is attempting to bring down their cartel from the inside. In that respect, Lalo has a parallel with the most unlikeliest of BCS characters - Chuck McGill.

The insomnia is the barest of brush strokes that imply Lalo's possible ambivalence about the life he was born into. Gilligould have notoriously not given the characters of colour much contextual depth at all outside of roles that serve the cartel story, and Lalo is no exception, but I still think it was the barest of indicators of another story being played out there. Like Howard Hamlin dissuaded early on from putting up his own shingle and making an identity for himself outside of what his father expected of him, Lalo, neck deep in the lifetime role of cartel Prince, may have felt the twingings of his own destiny being held away from him. TDalton's comments about Lalo believing he could die at any point has an interesting, nihilistic extension here - so why bother?

He's a Hufflepuff. His people, his group, and himself above all. Duty, discipline, and "fairness" - all Puff traits. His contempt for Slytherin Gus is for Gus's refusal to accept his position and bend the knee - he sees Gus's strident individualism as selfish, in comparison to his own lifelong commitment to his family and the cartel. On the positive side, he can do a surface level cohesion with groups, some performative actions of good on behalf of the group(s) he identifies with, and skilfully takes Nacho and sends him up to the boss. There's a reason old ladies seem to adore Lalo - he, in an entirely selfish sense, works within the group.

[zalrb]

i find the whole deb ball thing in tsitp so stupid like that wasn’t even a plot point in the book so why this…. i get that this show is probably mainly written to be wish fulfillment for 13 year olds and the whole ‘polite society’ scene is popular i guess but this show is playing everything straight and its just boring. like obviously i don’t expect the show to engage with any political implication nor do i want it to but at least gossip girl did it in a more ironic way and it actually fit the show (but i haven’t rewatched those eps in a long time to be fair). if the point is supposed to be about belly becoming more confident and self assured.. well. they didn’t do that either!

yeah because the issue is they aren't doing anything with cotillion or the deb ball or anything really. there's no drama in this teen drama.

with gossip girl, the peacocking of the event is emphasized

but it's also used -- and not very well imo but much much better than whatever they're doing here -- to emphasize what is going to be the primary issue between dan and serena which is class/insider vs. outsider

and it's also used to ramp up the tension in the triangle between blair and chuck and nate

it's also used to show that lily now accepts dan at the very same time that rufus doesn't want to let the mistakes of the past repeat in the present but their kids are dating

like the cotillion actually represents something, same thing with the o.c.

so, the o.c.'s cotillion is my favourite cotillion and it's because so much drama that has been building up for three episodes erupts at cotillion (and that's a the o.c. theme -- if things are brewing, it's all going to explode publicly at a function, it already happens the episode before at casino night) and it works because it also connects to various themes that put pressure on the actual event.

the episode begins with sandy and kirsten formally asking ryan if they can become his guardians and he's like yes, and they're like great but that means you can't get into any trouble because you're on probation and CPS is up our ass, it also means that ryan -- the outsider -- has to partake in cohen family traditions like going to cotillion so there's that pressure.

plus there's the marissa and luke and ryan triangle and they're all going to be at cotillion and luke and ryan essentially always fight when they see each other so there's that tension. and luke tries to instigate a fight at a pre-cotillion party and ryan's trying to keep his temper in check.

jimmy has been stealing from his clients who are all a part of the community he lives in and has asked kirsten for a loan to cover up his debt obviously no one knows that he's been stealing from them but the walls are closing in, officers show up at his house in like the second episode.

seth is somewhere pining for summer.

and then all the actions happens at the biggest event of the season -- luke breaks up with her,

ryan and marissa get to dance which adds to their buildup and julie's hatred of ryan intensifies

summer has no date, anna's introduced so we're kicking off another love triangle

holly -- who is marissa's friend -- her dad punches jimmy out in the middle of the waltz, which starts a bit of a brawl and alienates marissa and her family from everyone else

and it all matters

nothing about this deb ball seems to matter except for the fact that susannah just really wants to see belly attend before she dies. the biggest thing i can see happening at this ball is susannah collapses at it and now belly, jere and steven will find out that she has cancer but even the susannah has cancer and is hiding it from everybody plot line doesn't feel like it's a ticking time bomb where you're just waiting for everyone to figure out what's going on and it's going to be awful because it mostly consists of susannah sleeping sometimes, there isn't this impending sense of dread.

[goshdanghowdy]

I really like BCS and the fandom is cool until I start reading actual analysis and realize there’s a not insignificant portion of people who just ignore what Howard and Chuck’s characters inform us about Jimmy and Kim’s characters. This seems to be because they want to focus on romanticizing their relationship in a way that removes all the nuance about what the show is trying to say about their relationship. 

Also I keep seeing some very odd takes about Kim somehow being the real villain of their relationship, which just seems to be a very odd attempt to infantilize Jimmy and ignore how much agency he has in his own story. I guess this happens with a lot of media where there really isn’t any good guys but instead a series of very complex, morally grey characters. It seems like people inevitably want to boil characters down to “good” and “bad” but I often find that kind of analysis really insulting to the original source material and just kind of weird. Especially because the BCS/BRBA authors purposefully will write characters to subvert our expectations and its sad to see people kind of sticking to first impressions of characters who eventually are fleshed out and notably less one dimensional than they were introduced as.

Like a lot of what this style of writing is about is evaluating if maybe our initial perspective was framed in a way that was deceitful and what that framing informs us about our own biases. We only meet Chuck after he’s been mired in years of pain and resentment towards Jimmy to the point its made him mentally ill, but we aren’t actually shown why he feels that way and the road to how he got there initially, that’s something that unfolds as the story progresses. I’m not saying you have to love Chuck or Howard, or not see any flaws in their actions, but to draw the line of Jimmy, good, Chuck, bad or to just be dismissive of their narrative impact all together just strikes me as missing out on some of the writing’s richness.

[mochatheangelkiller]

Jimmy Novak + 2,5,12 ✨

Hi Sally!!

This is a bit of a long one lol

2. Favourite canon thing about his character?

I love how faithful he is. Which as an atheist is an interesting view to have. I just love how much he trusts his faith to keep him and his loved ones safe. It's so open and vulnerable and it takes so much courage to trust that the angel who tore your family apart to keep them safe even when all signs are telling you not to. He's so trusting in his God, in Castiel, to bring him no harm even though they have wronged him and hurt him in the past.

Even when he first found out how much his absence hurt and endangered his family. Even when he realized Castiel had broken his promise and his family was severely harmed. He still trusted him. And isn't that just so beautiful.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Well, it's not exactly a song but when I think of Jimmy I think of soft and slow jazz. With sweet brass and a tingly piano singing sweet nothings to eachother as the volume picks up the tempo. It turns from a bluesy jazz to something akin to swing jazz. He's sweet and kind toward things he cares about and when he's really happy, he sings!

But for a song you can listen to, I present this:

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

We all know Jimmy is big on his faith when he's first introduced. It's a big part of his life prior to the angels interfering so it would make sense for his faith to play into his relationship with Castiel toward the end of his life. At that point, he saw all that God (Chuck) had done to him and to Cas. Cas being the only angel to actually try helping him. He's seen all this angel has done in the name of stopping the apocalypse even if heaven is against it.

Something speaks to me from the depths of my internalized religious trauma and I really think he made Cas into his new God. He worshipped him in away only a human soul can. Jimmy would move mountains for Castiel even if it took him lifetimes to complete. Castiel may have been the one to tear his world apart but he gave him a new one. One where he tried his best to keep his daughter safe, even seeing her as his own. Cas risked his life for Jimmys wife and yes I know he wouldn't be in his vessel to see it but it's still something cas did.

Cas is Jimmy's new God. Not in the same way Chuck was, no. But in a way where he worships him all the same. It's not quite love or devotion in its entirety but it's almost deeper than that. More complex in away

I can explain all of these in further detail if you would like 🏵️

[website-com]

so obsessed with conflict where both people are right. in tv shows

[septembersghost]

i keep thinking about how both of the major/central character deaths that have now happened in bcs - chuck and nacho - were suicides, and the way that loss of self and self-destruction is very much an underlying theme in the tragedy of this show. we spend every moment with jimmy knowing that eventually he doesn't exist, that he slowly erodes and curdles and darkens, and that who jimmy is is subsumed by the persona of saul, writ large and made flesh but really just a flashy, empty suit, later lost again to the bleakness of gene. jimmy's like a living ghost. we're seeing that loss into inexorable darkness with kim now too. it's a shadow over mike, even over gus, who discard parts of their souls the further down they go. we know all of the men - monsters though they may be - in the desert are walking dead men, we're watching them tread their pasts with knowledge of their futures. they made those choices that put them on a road.

chuck, nacho, kim, and howard have a unique power because this is their only world. the confines of this story don't stretch for them in the same way, and yet it allows the unknown to be richer and perhaps deadlier, or at least more devastating.

chuck and nacho chose to remove themselves from the story, but the former was an act of despair, and the latter was an act of defiance.

from the outside, chuck and nacho have no commonalities. they move in different universes in the same city. chuck would be seen and remembered as a brilliant lawyer, an upstanding member of the community, nacho as a criminal scumbag who got in too deep. maybe neither is wrong. but those assessments aren't right either. the surface appearance, the remnants in an obit or broken glass in the dirt, don't contain the truth or the whole of their humanity. we know chuck was a vindictive, egotistical, judgmental man. we know he suffered terribly from his illness. we know how he treated jimmy and how that helps to perpetuate jimmy's own choice of self-corruption. we know his death came from an agonizing low point and he was too broken to find any other way out. and we know nacho, who was caught in the violent crossfire of doomed enemies, who was battered and broken and utilized as a pawn, who did the wrong things and made the wrong decisions, and yet, instead of straying farther from his true self, it quietly, persistently had him seeking light. the more of that underworld he saw, the less he wanted to be a part of it, but physical escape was impossible. so he wrested back control and chose how it would go. chuck died having voiced a vicious lie to his brother. nacho spoke with love to his father, even with things unsaid, and then voiced the truth of scorching hatred that no one else has ever quite been allowed to say to these men who think nothing of the damage they leave in their wake.

the circumstances are startling juxtapositions, intentionally so. mike said once he'd known bad cops and good criminals, and the difference is in that humanity and that honor, even on one's bad choice road. nacho transcended his circumstances in the one way he could, and his life now reverberates even across the story where no one knew he existed. there are so many sparks of nacho in brba. michael mando said something about how it's not so much about when you go. everyone will. it's about why you go. for nacho, that was layered with love and sacrifice and rebellion.

ultimately, this is jimmy's tale, and we don't know how he will decide to make it go. is he lost permanently to what we know, that preordained fate sealed, or is there a reclamation of himself? can a rise follow a fall? and what does that leave behind as its legacy?

you can have the fancy black granite slab in the cemetery and someone standing there pretending to mourn you, or you can have a delicate bluebell blooming despite the harshness of the desert. maybe no one will ever know it's a marker. maybe it doesn't matter.

the rain falls the same on both graves.

but only one is alive.

[secretswiftymarvelfan]

Burnin’ Up - Firefighter!Chris AU (Part 7: The Evans Family BBQ)

Summary: After overhearing a phone conversation, Chris invites you to the Evans family BBQ 

Word Count: 9.1k

Warnings: Angst! Fluff! Alcohol Consumption! Language! Talk of active shooter situations! Mention of Character death! 

Dividers by @firefly-graphics​

Meet the Characters!

Series Masterlist / Masterlist

Part 7: The Evans Family BBQ

Chris was stood on the street observing his crew as they worked to get the garden fire under control. So far they had managed to contain it and prevent it from spreading into other gardens or out into the wooded area at the bottom of the backyard, but they were still working on getting it completely out.

“Jimmy how’s it looking?” Chris called out as he walked closer.

“getting there! We’re really battling the lighter fluid though” Jimmy called back over the noise of the hose.

Chris just nods glancing over at the fire before shaking his head, when will people learn. He turns his attention back over to the triage that had been set up to deal with the burn victims that had tried to play hero. Jamie and Emma were busy working away on the few injured.

“how you guys doing? Need any more assistance? Supplies?” Chris asked walking over to the tent.

“no we’re good, they were all lucky, the burns are quite minimal, just waiting on a couple more ambulances to arrive so we can transport the worst to hospital” Jamie explains as she checks over a burn on a man’s arm.

“Evans! Hawkings!” Captain Jeffords calls out grabbing Chris’ attention.

Chris jogs over to the Captain, Paul joining a few moments later “what’s up cap?” Paul asks brow raised.

“dispatch need a two man crew to help cut a man out of doggy door, I’m sending you two in” Captain Jeffords explains barely looking over at Chris and Paul, his attention still solely on the fire.

“of course Captain we’re on it” Chris nods looking over to Paul who nods his head in agreement.

“good, take the SUV all the equipment you’ll need is in there already” Captain Jeffords explains sparing Chris a quick glance as he chucked the keys over to him.

Chris nods easily catching the keys “c’mon Paulie lets go” Chris says patting him on the shoulder.

The two of the climb into the car, getting the address from dispatch and making their way through the city. The ride was fairly silent, the only noise being the sirens and the occasional beep of the horn to get the traffic to move. However as Chris drove he slowly became aware of the smirk on Paul’s face.

“are you gonna say what you’re thinking or continue to sit there like the Cheshire cat?” Chris huffs glancing over at Paul.

“its nothing, you just seem eager to get to the job that’s all” Paul comments.

Chris arches a brow as he glances over at Paul “it is part of our job to get there as quick as possible” Chris points out.

“yeah but this isn’t a major emergency… we don’t need to be honking at every car in the way” Paul says just as Chris hits the horn again, a low growl of frustration falling from his lips.

“I wouldn’t need to honk if people were paying attention to the siren and actually got out of the way” Chris grumbled honking the horn a couple more times.

“so this eagerness to get there has nothing to do with the potential chance that your girl might be there” Paul smirks.

“she’s not my girl” Chris states quickly making Paul’s smirk grow.

“so you’re not denying your eagerness to see her then” Paul points out.

“I’m not eager to see her, she probably isn’t even the one who called it in, I bet she has much bigger fish to fry now she’s a sergeant” Chris points out shaking his head slightly.

“oh c’mon Chris you know you’re hoping its her, we all see you smiling at your phone whenever you get a text from her, you’re always in a better mood after hanging out with her the evening before” Paul says nudging Chris’ shoulder.

“we’re just friends that’s all” Chris defends shaking his head slightly as he sighed, because he couldn’t really deny it, even if it was a slim chance he was hoping it was you calling it in, he did always seem in a better mood after hanging out.

“so you aren’t thinking of asking her out again?” Paul asks looking over at Chris.

“no” Chris says almost instantly, shaking his head “we’re better as friends, less complicated”

“what’s so complicated about it?” Paul asks with a huff of a laugh.

“well you know with everything that happened, both of us working in the emergency services” Chris says suddenly struggling to think of more reasons, despite his brain telling him there was definitely more.

“doesn’t sound complicated to me” Paul points out making Chris sigh.

“it doesn’t really matter, those feelings are gone” Chris says shaking his head.

“are they? Or have you just buried them because its easier?” Paul asks.

Chris doesn’t answer, keeping his eyes set on the road ahead. He wanted to tell Paul he was wrong, he didn’t have feelings for you anymore. He’d seen the other side of you and didn’t like it, didn’t like being the target for it. But he just couldn’t get the words out. It was complicated, even if life did seem simple when you were around.

Thankfully they turned onto the street where the man was stuck and pulled up outside of the house next to the police car. Climbing out Chris made his way up the drive towards the back gate. As he rounded the corner he couldn’t help but smile when he saw you stood there hands on your hips as you looked down at the guy stuck halfway through the doggy door.

Chris paused for a moment just taking in the scene, you were stood there in a white blouse, black leather jacket and jeans. Hands on your hips, eyebrow arched as you looked down at the perp, a look of exasperation on your face. You then looked up your eyes meeting his, a warm smile appearing on your face as you walked down the stairs of the deck towards him.

“I promise I don’t chase all my perps into situations like this” you state with a smirk.

Chris laughs recalling the time he freed your perp from underneath a fence. The atmosphere this time though was completely different, he was receiving a warm smile from you this time, not an icy glare.

“are you sure? Because if I had a nickel for every time I cut a perp free for you, I’d have two nickels, which isn’t a lot but its strange its happened twice” Chris smirks shrugging his shoulders.

You narrow your eyes as you look up at him “did you just quote Phineas and Ferb?” you question.

Chris chuckles shrugging his shoulders “I have young nieces and nephews” he explains.

“hey if you don’t cut this guy free I’ll do it myself” the detective near the perp calls out over to the two of you.

Chris raises a brow looking down at you in question “that’s Diaz the new transfer from the NYPD, Benny’s off sick, but don’t worry she’s scarier than she looks” you explain shaking your head gently “that being said you better go cut the guy free”

Chris chuckles nodding his head as he looked over at Paul who was stood to the side with a shit eating grin on his face. Chris just rolled his eyes at him “get the gear” he ordered.

“yes sir” Paul smirks giving Chris a quick salute before turning and heading back to the SUV.

“so what happened here then?” Chris asks nodding to the perp as you and Chris walk over to the door.

“guy got pretty wasted, came home, key wouldn’t work so tried to get in through the doggy door, which is a great plan except for the fact that his house is actually that one” You explain pointing to the house next door “and you’ll never guess what” you add with a smirk.

“he doesn’t own a dog?” Chris guesses.

“bingo, the owners of this house got home saw him halfway through their doggy door, passed out, so called the cops” you explain putting your hands on your hips.

“so not a burglar?” Chris confirms.

“nope, if he was a burglar he’s the worst ever, worse than the wet bandits” you comment making Chris bark out a laugh.

“home alone, good movie” he smiles nodding his head.

“er try best movies of all time?” you retorts shaking your head at him.

“nope, nothing beats Legends of the fall” Chris states shaking his head.

You just shrug your shoulders “never seen it”

Chris’ jaw dropped “what! How have you never seen it!” he exclaims hand instinctively reaching out to touch your arm “we need to change this right now, what are you doing tonight?” Chris asks.

“nothing” you chuckle as you looked up at him.

“good because we’re having a movie night, I’ll bring the movie you bring the snacks” Chris states leaving you no room to argue.

You laugh at him but nod your head “okay fine, my place?” you offer.

“sure I’ll text you when I get off shift” Chris smiles nodding his head.

He watches as you smile down at the floor before looking up at him, his own smile growing on his face. a warm sensation filling his chest as he looked at you.

The moment was then interrupted by Paul clearing his throat loudly “if you two have stopped flirting can we cut this guy free now?” he asks.

“we weren’t flirting” you say quickly, shaking your head “just friends”

Despite the fact Chris agreed with you, he felt his smile fall slightly. His throat growing tight forcing him to clear it with a loud cough. You glance up at him with a raised eyebrow and an unreadable expression on your face. Chris just gives you a quick awkward smile before turning to Paul and getting on with the job.

That evening Chris made his way round to your apartment, after briefly stopping at his house to change into a comfy pair of grey sweatpants and navy Henley. He quickly jogged up the stairs pizza boxes in hand before knocking on your apartment door.

A few moments later you opened the door also now in comfy clothes, wearing baggy sweatpants and an oversized Boston PD tee, your hair was pulled out of your face in a messy bun. Despite all that a smile broke out on Chris’ face because you still looked incredible.

“I thought I was dealing with the snacks” you point out nodding to the pizza boxes.

“these aren’t snack, they’re dinner” Chris corrects as he steps into your apartment, toeing off his shoes.

“dinner and a movie, wow am I a lucky girl” you smirk as you close the door behind him.

“what can I say I know how to treat a women” Chris playfully smirks before suddenly realising what he said “you know as a friend”

You nod your head clearing your throat “yeah- yeah of course” you say rubbing your hands together nervously “why don’t you set that up and I’ll grab up some drinks, beer?” you suggest.

“yeah sounds good” Chris nods moving over to your TV.

As he crouched down to put the DVD in he let out a quiet but deep sigh as he rubbed his forehead, his hand running down over his beard as he glanced over his shoulder. He couldn’t see you but he could hear you moving around the kitchen, the occasional sound of beer bottles clinking against each other. He could almost picture you walking around, using your hips to shut the drawer that you got the bottle opener from, nudging the fridge shut with your elbow. He found himself smiling at the scene he was picturing in his head before his brain suddenly shut it off reminding himself that you were only friends.

“got it all set up?” you ask walking back out to the living room.

“yeah, all good” Chris nods clearing his throat slightly as he stood back up, accepting the beer taking a long pull.

“good, now this movie better live up to the hype” you say turning to sit down on the couch crossed legged.

“it will I promise, movies are my thing” Chris promises as he sits down, reclining back on the couch, one arm outstretched across the back.

“is that why you have a superhero complex?” you smirk knowingly.

“I plead the fifth” Chris comments with his own smirk, reaching out to grab a slice of pizza.

You roll your eyes at him grabbing the remote and pressing play on the movie before grabbing a slice of pizza for yourself and happily munching away. For a second Chris completely forgot he was here to watch a movie, his favourite movie, because he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. Watching with a small smile on his face as you happily ate the pizza, small sighs of context escaping your lips.

You must have sensed him watching because you glanced over with a frown on your face “what have I got sauce of my face or something?” you ask your thumb quickly wiping the corners of your lips.

Chris chuckles shaking his head “no you’re good” he smiles.

You give him a slightly confused smile back, but don’t question him further about why he was staring, going back to eating and focussing on the movie. Chris bit his lip slightly as he gave you one last glance before turning his attention to the movie, yet he still couldn’t focus on it, his mind elsewhere, thinking about how much he liked how relaxed you were around him.

Every other girl he’d spent time with, whether it be a one night stand or one of his failed relationships years so, would always make sure they looked their best. They wouldn’t be caught dead wearing baggy and old clothes, they also wouldn’t dive into the pizza they would take tiny mice bites to avoid sauce getting everywhere. Yet you did none of that.

The hopeless romantic part of his brain was telling him that it was because there was some connection, and you were different to all the other girls, that maybe Scott was right all along. But then his realistic part of his brain kicked in, trampling the hopeless romantic side back into its grave. You weren’t putting in the effort because you didn’t see him more than a friend, you didn’t seem him as a romantic option. Whenever he hung out with the crew Jamie would dress similar to you because they were friends, this was the exact same.

You and Chris were friends. End of Story.

About half an hour into the movie your phone started ringing, you quietly cursed as you pulled out your mobile “sorry I have to take this” you apologise quickly.

“its fine don’t worry” Chris smiles grabbing the remote and pausing the movie.

You gave him a thankful smile before standing up and answering your phone “good evening sir, is everything okay?” you say into the phone.

There was silence as you listened to whoever it was, Chris guessing it was your captain, your head gently nodding, teeth nervously biting at your lower lip.

“yes of course let me just grab the file and I’ll get you up to date” you say scratching the back of your neck as you walk out of the living room down the hall to your bedroom.

Chris waited in silence for a moment, only hearing the muffled sound of you talking to your boss down the hall. As he waited his eyes began to wander around the room, taking in all the different knickknacks you had lying around, the books you had and the photos on the side. He saw one with you and Benny at Disneyworld, Chris could practically hear the laughter as the pair of you posed with Officer Judy Hopps. He then spotted one from your graduation from the police academy, he recognised the man stood next to you as your father.

However to anyone who didn’t know who your father was, and what he looked like, they would probably assume you were strangers. Because despite the proud smile on your face, the distance between the two of your spoke volumes, it looked far too formal to be a father and daughter. A fact that made Chris frown, recalling his own photo with his father when he passed his firefighter training. His photo was much more familiar, the smile on his father’s face wide and proud, not small and courteous like your father’s smile.

His train of thought was then interrupted by you walking back in and slumping down on the couch with a heavy sigh “sorry about that” you apologise looking over at him.

“its okay, does your captain normally call your this late off shift?” Chris asks glancing at his watch.

“it wasn’t my captain, it was my father” you explain shaking your head.

“oh” Chris frowns, finding that nugget of information confusing since from the way it sounded it didn’t seem like you were.

“he wanted to know how my current case was going” you explain sitting back, your head resting on Chris’ forearm, something that if you realised you didn’t say anything about.

“oh okay, It all sounded very formal just assumed it was your boss” Chris says clearing his throat trying to ignore the funny sensation in his chest that he started feeling as soon as your head rested against his arm.

“yeah my father has always been pretty strict about that, if its work related I must refer to him by rank” you explain with a casual shrug of your shoulder “I’m sure it must be the same for you with your father”

Chris frowns once more at this, he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that there was parents and families who had this sort of relationship with their children. It was all too formal and backwards.

“i-I mean I guess” Chris stumbles “but only around others, if its just me and him its more casual”

You just hum at this “anyway lets get back to the movie” you say grabbing the remote and pressing play before Chris had a chance to question it further.

For the rest of the movie Chris couldn’t focus on anything except what he’d just learnt about you and your father. He glanced back over at the photo of you and your father, deciding that the more he found out about Commissioner Y/L/N the less he liked him.

A couple of days later Chris was at his mom’s house out in the garden playing with all the kids.

“Uncle Chris focus!” Ethan shouted getting Chris’ attention “you’re gonna make us lose!”

Chris blinked a couple of times before returning his attention back to the small game of wiffleball he was playing with the kids and Scott.

“don’t worry pal, Scott is terrible at batting” Chris reassures him as he smirked over at Scott who was holding the bat.

“careful you don’t want a repeat of the softball incident” Scott smirks wriggling his eyebrows.

Chris rolls his eyes at his brother, the incident at the softball game had since become a big joke in his family “that’s a lot of talk for someone who rarely hits the ball” Chris retorts.

“bring it on Christopher” Scott goads getting into position to bat.

Chris got ready to throw the ball, deciding not to hold anything back to teach his brother a lesson. However before he even got a chance he got interrupted by his older sister.

“Kids come inside! Lunch is ready!” Carly called out from the back door.

The kids instantly dropped everything and made a beeline for the house, Chris smirk shrugging his shoulders as he looked over at Scott “save by the bell hey?” Chris smirks.

“yeah you got off lucky” Scott retorted, dropping the bat and turning back towards the house.

Chris took this opportunity to throw the ball at Scott hitting him on the back of the head “hey!” Scott complained turning back around to Chris.

“wasn’t me” Chris said pointing over to dodger.

Scott rolled his eyes “you’re a child, an actual child” Scott scoffed walking back towards the house.

“c’mon bubba” Chris chuckled before jogging to catch up with Scott, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and ruffling up his hair.

“urgh Chris!” Scott whined trying to push Chris away but ultimately failing.

“hey pack it in you two!” Lisa scolded lightly from across the room where she was helping the kids plate up their food.

“sorry ma!” Both Chris and Scott called out in unison.

“I hope you two won’t be this much trouble at the BBQ this weekend, I swear you two are worst than the kids” Carly says with a pointed look.

“don’t worry Carly, we’ll be on our best behaviour” Chris says holding his hands up as he walked over to grab himself some food.

Carly hums unconvinced before going back to help Stella cut up her sandwiches into triangles.

Chris smiles as he begins to plate up some food for himself, taking a little bit of everything since he could never decide which of his mom’s cooking was the best.

“you okay sweetie?” Lisa asks as she comes to stand next to him.

“hm? Oh yeah just hungry after all the running around” Chris nods as he scoops up some potato salad.

“you sure? You seemed a little distant earlier, what’s going on up there?” Lisa asks quietly pointing to his head.

Chris sighed glancing around at everyone, thankful that they were now a good distance away, sat down eating their food, not paying attention to this conversation. Since he stepped in the door today all he could think about was you, specifically whether you every experienced this sort of family vibe. Did you father ever take you aside when he saw something was bothering you? did you have cousins to play with on a warm summers day as a kid?

“nothing, I just-“ Chris starts before sighing as he tried to find the right words “at the theatre, are there kids or families there that aren’t as close as ours?” he asked.

Lisa frowns slightly as she put down her plate to give him her full attention “I mean I guess so, with me being a stay at home mom it meant I had more time to do stuff with you guys, not every parent has that luxury but I wouldn’t say they were any less loved” Lisa tells him “why do you ask?”

“well.. I was hanging out with Y/N a couple days ago and she got a call from her father but from the outside it sounded like a call with her boss, not her dad and she said it was normal but I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it” Chris sighed shaking his head.

Lisa hummed nodding her head slightly “well not every family is as lucky as we are, I know her family went through a lot after her mother died” Lisa sighed.

“you knew about that?” Chris asks surprised.

Lisa nods her head with a sad hum “yeah your father told me about it when it happened, he probably knows more about the situation so he could probably answer your questions better” Lisa explained.

“I just feel so bad for her, losing her mom and then her dad being as cold as he appears, what if she never got to experience something like this?” Chris says nodding over to the large table full of his family.

“sometimes life isn’t fair, but just because her childhood wasn’t as happy as yours, doesn’t mean she deserves this kind of life any less, the past doesn’t define our futures” Lisa tells him putting a hand on his back and rubbing it soothingly “why don’t you invite her to the BBQ this weekend?”

“do you think she’ll want to come?” Chris asks sceptically.

“I’m sure, everyone is welcome here” Lisa smiles warmly.

“thanks ma” Chris smiled leaning over to kiss her on the cheek.

You had been a nervous wreck all morning and you had no clue why. Well actually the fact that you had been invited to a big BBQ party by Chris was kinda freaking you out but you had no clue why it was freaking you out. you’d hung out with Chris plenty of times now, you’d even go as far as saying you were good friends. So why is being invited to a party so terrifying.

When Chris gave you the address you were surprised to find the house was actually in the suburbs of Boston, you’d expected him to have a bachelor pad or something. You were even more surprised when you pulled up outside a decently large house, coming to the conclusion that this couldn’t be his house.

Your theory gained more evidence when you knocked on the front door and were greeted by who you recognised as his mother.

“oh I’m so glad you could make it, come inside” Lisa smiled ushering you in.

“yeah I’m glad I had the day off” you chuckled nervously as you glanced around the house.

It was an impressive house, one that definitely felt like it was built for a large family, pictures of Chris and his siblings and the rest of his family hanging on the walls. It all felt very homey, it was the kind of house that you dreamt of.

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring anything, I found out a bit to late” you apologise.

“oh its fine dear there’s plenty of food to go around, can I get you a drink?” Lisa asks as she leads you through the house and towards the kitchen.

“oh um yeah just a beer please, but I can get it” you say rubbing your hands together nervously.

“oh no dear don’t you worry” Lisa smiles waving you off as she opens the fridge to pass you a beer “and please make yourself at home, any friend of Chris’ is a friend of the family”

“thank you, you have a lovely home by the way, it’s beautiful” you compliment gesturing around at the house.

“oh no dear, this isn’t my house, it’s Chris’” Lisa corrects you with a smile making you equally surprised and confused, she must have seen your confusion because she quickly explained “he brought this place a little while after his niece and nephews were born, he loves having them over to stay but wanted there to be plenty of space and a garden to run around in”

Your heart skipped a beat as you listened to Lisa, a smile growing on your face because of how sweet the reasoning was. The more you got to know Chris the further he appeared from the asshole who pushed your buttons for fun. It was almost unbelievable but it also made sense, even on that very first night you could tell how kind and caring he was.

“oh wow that’s really sweet” you smile.

“yeah he really is a big softie, even if he does wind everyone up time to time” Lisa smirks with a wink making you laugh.

“yeah he does have that talent” you chuckle taking a sip of your beer.

“who has what talent?” Chris asks as he walks in heading straight to the fridge to grab himself a beer.

“nothing dear” Lisa smiles innocently as Chris looked over his shoulder with an arched brow “are you not going to greet your guest?” she prompts him.

“well you were the one who beat me to the door” Chris points out with a smirk.

“its in my nature” Lisa defends making Chris chuckle.

“yes you are the neighbourhood mom, I swear my pals always went to her for advice over their own parents” Chris told you, sending a warm lopsided smile to his mom.

“and that offer is still open today, even for you” Lisa agreed nodding over to you.

“thank you Ms Evans” you thanked her.

“please call me Lisa dear, I’ll leave the two of you to it, just don’t burn the place down” she smirks before making her way out of the kitchen.

Chris chuckles watching his mom go before smiling over at you “thank you for coming by the way, I’m glad you could make it” Chris smiled.

“its nothing, thank you for the invite” you smile shaking your head gently.

Chris shrugs gently as he smiles at you “c’mon let me introduce you to everyone, and be warned we’re all a little mad here” he smirked as he walked over towards you and guided you to the back door.

You laugh looking at up him “what is it with you and Disney references recently?” you question.

“I told you, young niece and nephews” Chris chuckles but you narrow your eyes unconvinced.

“I don’t believe you” you hum before gasping excitedly “you’re a Disney adult aren’t you!”

“I plead the fifth” Chris mutters as he hides a grin opening the back door and gently pushing you outside with a hand to your lower back.

You laugh up at him, feeling warm all over from the sun and his proximity “if it makes you feel better, I am too” you tell him quietly.

“yeah the picture of you and Benny with Officer Hopps kinda gave that away” he smirked.

You gasp playfully “stalker” you smirk.

“just being observant” Chris fires back with a playful grin.

The sound of a dog barking grabs your attention and you look out and around Chris’ back yard. It was beautifully spacious with a good sized pool that people were lounging around, dangling their feet in the water. People who you recognised as Chris’ crew were stood around by the BBQ, a fact you found quite funny because of course the firefighters would be in charge of that. On the beautifully kept lawn you could see kids running around with a brown and white dog, running and dodging the large trees, one of the kids jumping on one of the tree swing before being told to be careful by Lisa.

“c’mon let me introduce you” Chris smiled leading you over to the BBQ.

“right you already know Paulie and Jamie” Chris starts “but this is Jimmy, Steve who is now dating my brother Scott, and this is Captain Jeffords and his wife Clara” Chris says introducing them to you one by one.

“hi nice to meet you guys officially” you smile, waving nervously.

“ah so you’re the girl who knocked Evans down a peg or two” Captain Jeffords smirked holding out his hand “can you tell me your secret?”

You laugh glancing up at Chris who was rolling his eyes “I could but then I’d have to kill you” you smirk making everyone laugh.

“whoa I better not be missing out of introductions!” someone exclaimed joining the group.

“and this is my brother Scott” Chris says introducing his brother who had wrapped his arm around Steve’s shoulder.

“I have to say you are one of my favourite people ever since you nailed Chris in the balls at that softball game” Scott grins making you laugh “actually even when you slapped him”

“alright lets introduce you to everyone else” Chris said guiding you away from his brother and friends who complained loudly.

Chris introduced you to the rest of his family, including his two sisters and his niece and nephews. He then called over the final person with a whistle, the brown and white dog you’d seen earlier racing over to the two of you.

“and this is dodger, my firefighter pup” Chris smiled scratching dodger behind the ear.

“I thought fire station dogs were dalmatians” you point out as you bend down to give dodger some fussing.

“yeah but after we found him we couldn’t really let him go” Chris admits with a shrug.

“you rescued him?” you asked surprised.

“kinda he just appeared one day sleeping outside the station, we took him to the vets but he had no owner, or at least none that wanted him which was just insane because from the get go he was always this sweet little boy, always wanting to say hello but trying his hardest to be good” Chris sighed shaking his head slightly.

“well it looks like he found the right owner in the end, but I’m surprised you called him Dodger, not very Bostonian of you” you comment with a raised brow.

“I called him that because he looks like the Artful Dodger from Oliver and Company” Chris admits scratching the back of his neck.

“definitely a Disney adult” you smirk playfully.

Chris laughs nodding his head making you instantly smile as you stand back up to your full height “well either way its very sweet how you adopted him” you tell him.

“you sound surprised” Chris comments with a small smirk.

“past me definitely would have been, but current me isn’t, well maybe a little bit, but it makes sense” you say as you look around at the large crowd of his family and friends.

Chris smiles bashfully looking down at his feet as he shoves his hands in his pockets, he glances back up at you his mouth opening as he went to say something but all that came out was “oofh” as his eldest nephew barrelled into him.

“Chris come play! You said you’d play” Ethan complained pulling on Chris’ arm.

“In a bit buddy, I’m just hanging out with my friend at the moment” Chris told Ethan gently.

“she can play too!” Ethan exclaimed looking over at you with hopeful eyes.

“I don’t think Y/N-” Chris starts before you interrupted him.

“yeah I can play” you smile nodding your head.

Chris looks over at you surprised before his face melted into a warm smile.

“yes! C’mon we’re playing cops and robbers! You can be a cop because you’re a real life one which is so cool!” Ethan exclaims dropping Chris’ hand to grab yours and dragging you towards the rest of the kids.

“I thought you said my job was cool” Chris said with a small pout as he followed after you.

“yeah but cops are cooler!” Ethan explains making Chris’ eyebrows raise slightly.

You laugh looking over your shoulder at Chris poking your tongue out bragging about your most recent victory in your on going playful feud.

It was starting to get late when Chris carried Stella out to Carly’s car, the little girl fast asleep in his arms, face smushed into the crook of his neck, small hand grasping the small medallion around his neck. He knew Stella was probably too old and too big to be carried like this but as long as he was able to pick them up, Chris would always let his niece and nephews climb all over him.

“thanks for carrying her out Chris” Carly smiled as she opened the car door.

“it’s alright I’ll always have time for my little stelly” Chris smiled as he bent down to put Stella in her car seat, detangling his chain from her hand carefully.

“they had fun tonight, they’ll definitely sleep well tonight” Carly chuckled quietly as she looked in at the car full of tired kids.

“I’m glad they enjoyed it” Chris smiled warmly.

He had a lot of fun spending time with all his friends and family today, put if he had to pick an exact moment it would be when you and him played with the kids together. Even when he was exhausted and tired of the kids climbing all over him, he couldn’t help but smile when he saw you interacting with the kids. It all seemed so natural, as if it had always been this way, like you had always been there. It made the hopeless romantic in him resurface despite knowing nothing would ever happen.

“yeah they love Y/N too, you should have her around more often” Carly tells him.

Chris sighs shaking his head as he scratched the back of his neck “I dunno-“ he started.

“Chris stop self-sabotaging” Carly interrupted making Chris’ eyebrows raise in surprise “I know it’s a bit scary for you, and you like to have things planned out, but just go with the flow with this one okay?” she tells him putting a hand on his arm.

Chris for a second didn’t know what to say, part of him wanted to nod his head and agreed with her but that little voice in his head was telling him no. That if he went with the flow it would only end badly, he needed to keep things how they were. So instead he settled for a joke to ease the tension.

“you’re not my mom, you can’t tell me what to do” he chuckles half-heartedly.

Carly rolls her eyes at him, shaking her head at him with a small smile on her face “no but I am your older sister so I have a little sway” she retorts making Chris laugh gently.

“just don’t do anything rash okay?” Carly sighs.

“I won’t I promise” Chris concedes wrapping his arms around his older sister giving her a tight hug, kissing the top of her head “drive safe” he tells her patting her on the shoulder as he steps back.

“will do, and I’ll text when we get home” Carly says stepping back towards the car “now get back in there and go with the flow” she adds pointing to the front door.

Chris laughs nodding head “going with the flow” he agrees.

He watches as she climbs in the car and pulls away down the drive way, waiting until the car was out of sight before looking away. letting out a long sigh as he looks up at the starry sky as if the answer to the question he didn’t know was up there. As he stepped back inside the house he ran straight into you, his hands grabbing your arms to keep you steady.

“whoa hey where are you going?” Chris asked looking down at you.

“um home? Its late” You say with a slightly confused look before glancing down at his hands on your arms, Chris only just realising he was still holding you and quickly letting go.

“you can’t go you’ve been drinking” Chris states shaking his head at you.

“don’t worry I’m not driving I was just going to call an uber or something” you reassure him holding up your phone.

“I’m still not letting you go” Chris says making you sigh in annoyance.

“why not!” you argue “I’m more than capable of getting an uber”

Chris could see you were getting irritated at him so held up his hands to placate you “I know, I’m not saying you’re not, I just don’t like the idea of you getting a uber this late at night on your own” he reasons.

You frown slightly in surprise as if that idea never crossed your mind, something that Chris didn’t like at all. Had no one ever looked out for you like this? He doubted your ex did, and really hoped your father did.

“oh um I’ll be fine I’ve done it plenty of times before” you tell him shaking your head gently.

“that doesn’t mean you will be this time, all it takes is one creep” Chris presses making you sigh deeply.

You rub your forehead tiredly before dropping your arms in defeat “what do you suggest then Chris?” you sigh.

Chris thinks for a moment, he hadn’t really thought this far ahead. All he knew was that he couldn’t let you go home alone. If he was sober he’d drive you himself but that wasn’t an option and you lived too far away for him to walk your back. He glanced around the room hoping there was someone he trusted that could drive you back but there wasn’t anyone. Leaving only one option, the one that the little voice was saying it was a bad idea.

“do you have work tomorrow?” Chris asks you.

“no I have the whole weekend off for once” you say shaking your head.

“great, you can stay here then and I’ll drive you back in the morning” Chris decides, your jaw falling slightly.

“Chris no I can’t” you say shaking your head, Chris ignoring the small feeling of hurt at your rejection.

“you can, c’mon its fine” Chris presses.

“no Chris, I don’t have anything that I need, nothing to sleep in, a toothbrush” you list off shaking your head.

“don’t worry about all that, I’ll sort that just please stay” Chris says a pleading tone to his voice.

He watches as you look up at him, your eyes searching his for a moment. He could see you were doubtful still so he put as much reassurance he could into one look, watching as your resolve broke.

“okay fine… I’ll stay” you concede.

“great! I’ll go get everything sorted go make yourself comfy” Chris says pushing your back towards the living room.

Chris instantly dashes off up the stairs, hearing your laughter as he went. He poked his head into one of the guest rooms he had making sure it all looked okay and was nice and tidy. He then made his way into his room and his ensuite, opening the cupboard under the sink he grabbed the spare unused toothbrush he kept there as well as a new tube of toothpaste. Once he sorted that he made his way into his closet, he quickly found a pair of old sweatpants that didn’t fit him anymore and one of his tops.

On his way back downstairs he grabbed a towel and flannel for you. In the time it had taken for Chris to get everything ready, the last couple of guests had left meaning when he got back downstairs it was just you.

“where’d everyone go?” Chris asks as he walks into the lounge.

“they took the opportunity and ran for the hills” you joked looking up at him from your spot on the couch, dodger curled up besides you.

“from me or you?” Chris smirks making your roll your eyes at him.

“right here you go, let me know if there’s anything else you need” Chris says passing you everything.

Your eyes widen in surprise at the pile of stuff he’d sorted for you “should I be concerned you have a toothbrush on stand by for overnight guests” you smirk arching a brow.

Chris laughs throwing his head back laughing “its new don’t worry” he promises you.

“I’m glad to hear it, thanks Chris for sorting all this out” you smile nodding down to the pile in your hands.

“its nothing anything to make you feel comfortable, your room is first of the left, I’m just gonna finish tidying up the kitchen so I’ll see you in the morning” he says nodding to the kitchen running his hands down his legs.

“do you want some help?” you offer making him smile.

“no I’m good, get some rest” Chris reassures you.

“okay well goodnight Chris” you smile.

“goodnight Y/N” Chris smiles watching as you head up the stairs to bed.

Chris wasn’t sure what time it was but he couldn’t sleep, the warm nice weather of the day had been replaced by a wet and stormy night. Climbing out of bed he quietly made his way down to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of water.

He leaned against the kitchen island sipping at his water as he stared out the window admiring the storm. Chris had always loved nature so it was no surprised he was fascinated by storms, the way the lighting danced across the sky, how the thunder rolled like waves and how the rain tapped against the windows desperate for attention.

Whenever there was a storm Chris would always find himself away watching the sky. If anyone asked he’d say he was just making sure a tree didn’t get struck and catch fire, that he was just on standby for something to go wrong. But really it was just because he loved them so much.

He was just putting his now empty glass back in the sink when a large clap of lightning ripped through the sky, lighting up the entire room as if it was daytime. But that wasn’t what caught his attention, it was the large crashing noise he heard right above him. For a moment he was confused as to why there would be a crashing up there but then his brain caught up and he remember your bedroom was right above the kitchen.

Chris cursed quickly running up the stairs his heart hammering and his head going a million miles an hour, going to all the worst-case scenarios. What if a branch had snapped and the wind had swept it through the window? What if you were seriously hurt? He’d never forgive himself if something happened to you.

He didn’t even knock when he burst into the room, hearing your startled scream at the intrusion. Chris blinked a couple of time his eyes scanning the room confirming that no there wasn’t a tree branch through the window. His eyes finally falling on you crouched down on the floor a smashed lamp on the floor around you.

“I’m so sorry- the- the storm it” you stuttered like you were struggling to breath.

Chris watched as your hands shook as you tried to clean up the mess, wincing slightly when you finger scratched across a broken shard on the floor. Seeing you in pain spurred Chris into action, instantly crouching down and reaching out to grab your shaking hands.

“whoa, whoa stop you’re gonna hurt yourself” he told you feeling your hands shake in his, making him grip onto you tighter to stop it.

“I’m fine Chris I- I- I just need to-“ you stutter, Chris hearing you quietly sniffle as you looked down to avoid his gaze.

“Y/N” Chris said trying to get you to stop “Y/N stop” he pressed squeezing your hand finally getting you to look over at him.

His heart broke when he saw the tears and fear in your eyes, Chris looked at you confused for a moment trying to work out why a broken lamp caused all this. Did you fear him or something? Were you scared of his reaction?

Suddenly another clap of lightning ripped through the sky, illuminating the fear on your face, Chris watched as you flinched so much your hand was ripped out of his. You let out a poorly concealed scream of terror, your hand clasped over your ears to block out the noise. Chris cursed as the pieces fell into place, you were terrified of storms.

“hey, hey its okay” Chris reassured you getting a close to you as he could over the broken shards on the floor, his arm reaching out around you to rub your back.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry” you stuttered, your entire body shaking in fear.

“its okay, right just put your arms around my shoulders” Chris says guiding your hands to his shoulders.

Your hands shook as you wrapped your arms around his shoulder, once he felt you were secure he reached out and gently scooped your up into his arms. He stood up and carried you out of the room, he paused for a second trying to work out where exactly to take you. at first he thought about taking you downstairs but there were more windows and more open. So instead he opted to take you to his bedroom instead.

As he walked into his bedroom, Dodger raised his head from his bed watching Chris’ every move. Chris gently settled you down on the bed, quickly whistling for dodger to jump up knowing how relaxing it felt to have him around. Once you were settled down Chris quickly examined your hand relieved to see it wasn’t too bad and already stopped bleeding.

“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean to break-” you stutter shaking your head slightly.

“hey its okay stop apologising, accidents happen” Chris tells you gently, but you just shake your head looking down.

“hey c’mon now” Chris sighs gently, hopping into bed besides you, wrapping his arm around you pulling you into his embrace.

Chris continued to comfort you, holding you close so you practically sat in his lap and reassuring you that everything was fine and that the storm would pass. He’d feel you slowly begin to relax but every time there was another clap of thunder it would be straight back to the beginning. Chris felt completely helpless he didn’t know how to calm you down while the storm still raged.

“did I ever tell you about the time I made Scott piss his pants?” Chris said suddenly.

“what?” you sniffled, your head still buried in his chest.

“yeah we were kids, only about 10 or 11, and we were out playing in the backyard and I wanted to play a prank on him, so I said instead of going inside to have a pee why don’t we just pee, like not in a bush, but just pee our pants” Chris said recalling the story struggling to hold back his laughter “he didn’t seem convinced so I told him I was already going, so he went, but just as he was going, I told him it was a prank”

“that’s mean” you sniffle.

“that’s not the worst part” Chris chuckled readjusting his hold on you so you were even closer to him “our babysitter pulled up so I ran over and told her that Scott peed his pants”

Chris could feel you still shaking slightly but when he looked down he could see you were actually laughing, wiping away the tears on your cheeks “so you’ve always been an asshole then” you chuckled weakly.

“yeah I guess so, Scott took the fall for a lot of my shit” Chris smirked as he looked down at you.

“can you tell me more?” you asked him quietly, glancing up at him sheepishly.

“more?” Chris asks surprised.

“yeah like from your childhood” you clarified sniffling slightly.

“oh okay, yeah sure” Chris nods racking his brain “god where to start”

Chris spent the next hour or so recounting stories of him and his siblings, like how he whacked Scott around the head with a book, splitting his head open. The time he pushed Scott over and he hit his head on the coffee table, splitting it open again, Scott taking the fall and saying he fell. The time that Chris pulled a massive strip of wallpaper off the wall, how his mom went mental and Scott took the blame again even though there was no way Scott could have done it.

“Scott must really love you if he took the blame that many times” you commented wiping away the last of your tears.

“yeah he’s my oldest friend really, thick as thieves” Chris chuckled shaking his head slightly.

“that’s really sweet” you smile your head still resting against his chest.

Chris hummed slightly as he looked down at you before glancing out the window, it took him a moment but then he realised the storm had stopped. All that was left was the rain which was now much more calmer than before. Chris went to tell you that it was over but stopped himself because he didn’t want this moment to end. He didn’t want you to go back to your bedroom, so he asked you a question instead.

“have you always been afraid of storms?” Chris asked gently.

You let out a long shaky sigh making Chris worry that he’d overstepped “yeah” you finally said.

“when I was younger my mom would always come into my room and make sure I was okay, but after she was gone I had no one” you told him quietly.

“what about your father?” Chris questioned.

“he didn’t understand it, he would just tell me to go back to bed so I kinda learnt to deal with it” you admitted making Chris’ blood boil with anger.

“for a while I was fine, but then I joined the force and it got worse again” you sighed shaking your head.

“why?” Chris asked you.

“um- I uh” you stutter slightly.

“hey its fine you don’t need to tell me” Chris reassured you sensing your hesitation.

“no- i- I want to” you say shaking your head “it was my first month as an uniformed officer, there was a shooting at a shopping mall and me and my partner were one of the first on the scene, to this day the sound of bullets echoes in my mind, my uh my partner got killed in the line of duty”

“shit Y/N” Chris muttered “I’m so sorry”

“its- its okay, it was a long time ago now” you say shaking your head “ever since my fear of storms has been back and worse than ever”

Chris sighed wrapping his arms around you tighter, his chin resting on the top of your head, resisting the urge to place a kiss to the top of your head “have you ever seen someone about this?” he asks you gently.

“yeah I got sent to the occupational therapist but it didn’t really work so I stopped going” you tell him but Chris got the impression that it wasn’t the full story but decided not to press further.

“did you try to find a therapist that worked for you?” he asked getting a shake of the head in response “I think you should, they really help when you find the right one”

“I dunno… I don’t really want to think about it right now” you sigh shaking your head.

“okay, that’s fair, what do you want to do?” Chris asked.

You looked up at him hopefully “A Disney movie?” you ask hopefully making Chris chuckle.

“yes of course, Beauty and the Beast?” Chris suggests grabbing the TV remote from his bedside table.

“sounds perfect” you smile.

As Chris set the movie up he expected for you to move away from him, sitting down in the space besides him. But you didn’t, you remained in his embrace, even going as far as to snuggle down closer into him. The movie began to play and you stayed put, Chris feeling you relax completely in his embrace.

Barely half an hour into the movie Chris noticed you had fallen asleep in his arms, your head resting against his chest, your features completely relaxed. Chris smiled gently as he brushed some hair out of your face, the warm sensation in his chest returning as he was unable to stop himself from pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

Chris couldn’t deny it any longer, he still had feelings for you and those feelings were pretty damn strong. He was no longer okay with being just friends with you, he wanted that first night again but without all the mess. He wanted you in his arms every single night. He just hoped you felt the same way.

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[profoundbondfanfic]

Signal Transfer

Signal Transfer by TessEtc (@tessetc) Rating: Teen Word Count: 23k

“Spare me your contempt, Castiel, self-hating angel of Thursday. Do you know what every other version of you did? They did what they were told.” That's a lie, James thinks, watching through Cas' eyes. All his life, James Novak has been able to see every version of himself across the whole of Chuck's multiverse. Every Jimmy, every Castiel. Every fight and every moment with every Dean. From Apocalypse World to the Bad Place, to Earth 2 with its two moons, James has witnessed everything, felt everything. He's always kept his knowledge to himself. But now, Chuck is destroying worlds, and there may be nobody left to listen.

This fic is such a trip. We start out with James (decidedly not Jimmy Novak), who can view - but not influence - every version of himself in the multiverse. 

If you’re confused in the very beginning (I was too), I heartily encourage you to stick with this story. Tess does a fabulous job keeping differentiating between the different characters and timelines by using unique names for James/Jimmy/Castiel and clear headers announcing the year for the next section instead of plain page breaks.

This story is set up as a kind of mystery. At the start, James is admitted into a mental hospital because he murdered his old college roommate, Chuck Shurley. However, as he meets with his doctor, he learns that there is no record of Chuck Shurley existing at all in his world.

And then all records of James’s husband, Dean, disappear too.

James is a very compelling narrator, at times sympathetic, sarcastic, and with a tragic backstory to boot. Moreover, it’s such a thrill to find the Dean and Cas interspersed among James’s observations on all the other versions. He doesn’t give them much more weight than Huntercorp!Destiel or the Jimmy that lives on a planet with two moons, and it feels like the best inside joke with the writer.

Just a note about the MCD: there is a happy ending. Death is not always the end!

[gilligould]

the flashback of Chuck and Jimmy in prison is genuinely one of my fave scenes, cos Jimmy starts off such a fucking dick with all the manipulative cliches Chuck has heard before, but then Chuck leaves and Jimmy just begs, and Chuck will eventually feel like he should have just left his brother in jail, and Jimmy even when he's Saul wants to (very spitefully) appease his brother. they're so fucked (and Marco in that titular episode compares Jimmy to a dog even right after! "his master's voice")

thinking about how jimmy’s sincerity is always under question. i wish i could remember which of the writers said it first, but it’s been living in my head as we embark on this rewatch. that meeting with chuck at the jailhouse is just the beginning, and you’re right—he tells chuck exactly what it is he wants to hear. and chuck sees right through the bullshit, but he hears jimmy’s desperate pleas and he acquiesces, nonetheless.

i think it was schnauz who said something along the lines of, chuck is tolerant of jimmy, just so long as he gets to feel superior? when his brother needs help (ie. a drunk jimmy in 1.02 and 4.10), chuck has no problem tending to and caring for him—it’s only when he’s back standing on his own two feet that chuck struggles. but i digress,

jimmy’s sincerity. he and chuck have done that little jailhouse routine a dozen times, at least. jimmy does it a couple dozen more, but with kim. he lies to the insurance company about chuck, and he lies to the appeal committee about chuck. somewhere in between, he passes the burden of chuck’s death onto howard, an insincerity all its own. he tells anyone who will listen that he can change, will change. and yet. maybe it was because the consequences never quite caught up with him, not in any significant way. not until the end, when his former boss and brother’s partner is lying dead at his feet. but even then, it’s not quite enough. he’d spend the next six years living as saul, cheating and scamming and marinating in insincerity. the entire persona is just that, a persona. a facade.

i can’t imagine what the duplicity of that identity must feel like—successful, at least materially, but at the cost of his soul. successful, not in spite of his brother’s reservations. but by becoming exactly the man he’d been told he was destined to become, who he’d always been. slippin’ jimmy.

[and-stir-the-stars]

This video about Castiel is very thought provoking and captures some of the tragedy of this unique character.

What do you think of the perspective below on Dean and Cas being mirrors for each other for at least some of their journey?

"Sometimes Dean's pattern reads as abused victim to abuser - his story almost mirrors Castiel's arc from an obedient soldier with an absent, neglectful father to free will but the accumulated damage warps him into an angry simulation of his father.

In his anger, he strikes out frequently at others, especially Jack and Castiel. Dean is so desperate in season 15 to kill Chuck, its like his last attempt to regain freedom and he pursues it to the exclusion of almost everything else.

His ending is a tragedy as he ends up circling back to the beginning and ends his life in the same bloody way to which he always resigned himself. His journey has been incredible but I wish he had been able to finish his fight for freedom."

Hiya, anon!!!

First off, that was a very great video; definitely left me pacing around my room multiple times in frustration over the way the brothers and the show treated Cas. I agree with everything the person in the video said; Castiel gave so much for Sam and Dean at every turn, and they almost never gave anything back, certainly not like they do for each other. My only qualm is that the person went into detail about how the brothers in general and Dean specifically mistreated Cas, but didn't mention Sam as much. For instance, the person mentioned Dean humiliating Cas in front of the angels who respected him in 9x22, but didn't mention that Sam himself 1) didn't disagree with Dean when he called Cas' family a "cult", and 2) even went so far as to justify Dean's reaction to Cas in private.

I can't say I've ever thought about Dean and Cas' stories mirroring each other back in their beginnings. That line about them being obedient soldiers with neglectful and abusive fathers who both learn how to genuinely question things does make sense at a surface level, and I can see how that dynamic would be compelling to a lot of shippers.

The thing that immediately catches my attention about that perspective is the bit about both of them struggling to grasp at free will. It's completely true; however, it's true in entirely different ways for each character.

For Dean, the free will he was fighting for was always for himself and Sam. Even in the seasons when they claimed to be fighting for humanity's free will, Sam and Dean willingly, with little to no qualms, worked with the angel stealing from Jimmy Novak what they were so desperate to keep themselves: their bodies, their family, their lives. And with all the times that the brothers work with angels or demons, and with how they endanger the world with the sole purpose of saving each other in later seasons, it's very hard to deny that Dean (and Sam) often cared far more about their own well-being than the world's when push came to shove.

With Cas, however, his journey towards possessing free will was never about himself. Cas' fight for free will was never about avoiding a horrible fate for himself-- he died multiple times, left behind and even killed his (angel) family, all in the name of humanity's free will. For Cas, the very act of possessing free will was an introduction into a world of pain and suffering. Suddenly, he had no clear-cut place in the world or an infallible direction in which to mindlessly strive, and suddenly he was capable of making the wrong choices. Cas' very first acts with free will were dying for the cause-- being killed by his siblings because it would buy Sam and Dean more time. His journey into free will was completely devoid of his own wants; it was all about giving humanity a choice, especially Sam and Dean. Throughout the entirety of the series, Cas rarely ever uses his hard-earned free will for himself, instead deciding to use it to sacrifice and give unto others. I mean, hell, the first thing Cas did with his free will after the Would-Be Apocalypse was try to give free will to other angels, and then to maintain Dean and Sam's free will by not dragging them back into a world of supernatural horrors, and to risk everything (including any hope of rekindling the remnants of his relationship with Sam and Dean, after thinking they had given up on the supernatural-- including Cas himself) to secure all of Earth's free will and safety with a civil war. Unlike Dean's, Cas' version of free will isn't about having the strength to say "no" to The Plan (be it Heaven's or their fathers' Plan) for his own sake, but about saying "no" so he has the opportunity and ability to help others-- often in the form of self-sacrifice.

Another thing that jumps out at me is the implication that Cas and Dean's stories start moving in different directions when Dean starts following after his abusive father's footprints. I would argue that their paths diverge later, because Cas did briefly "become" his father.

Cas became remarkably similar to his father back in seasons 6 and 7: an untouchable figurehead, distant, cruel, warlike, ignorant of the needs of angel- and humankind alike. Cas did follow in his father's footsteps, but while Dean's father is just a man, Cas' is an all-powerful god. Because of this, Cas' power and grievances were amplified into cosmic proportions, meaning that unlike Dean's, Cas' journey of becoming like his abusive father could not be ignored by the narrative of the story. Cas was confronted by the narrative itself and by other characters about what he was becoming-- not just confronted, even; he was in essence overcome and defeated by the narrative, whereas Dean was allowed to fester unchallenged in his own abusive tendencies.

This is where I'd say that Cas and Dean's stories end up diverging: Cas was almost a completion of Dean's would-be arc, being forced to confront his own lashing out, and having the time (eight seasons, in fact) to recognize his mistake, to see what he became and why, and grow because of it without "circling back to his beginning."

That's not to say that Dean would have had the exact same reaction as Cas if he had actually been challenged by narrative. Dean and Cas' motivations and characterizations are obviously completely different, as seen by their views on free will; they're their own people, so of course their reactions to the narrative's push would never be exactly the same. I mean, Dean had 15 seasons to recognize where his story was going and to try to change it; yet for whatever reason, he never accomplished this, not even when pushed by the Mark of Cain bringing out more of the abusive nature that was already inside him. In Cas', what, season and a half stint of becoming his father, he didn't need nearly as much of a push to realize what he was doing was wrong and reach out for help, even with the Leviathan and Purgatory souls essentially doing something similar to what the Mark did to Dean by warping his mind and amplifying and twisting his greatest desires beyond recognition: the desire to be loved ("bow down and profess your love unto me"), and help everyone around him to righteousness by keeping them on the right path (or else).

[mittensmorgul]

So for the most part, I outright reject the finale. But I do think, in light of the whole "Jimmy was supposed to be in the bar, and Dean was disappointed by that because his perfect heaven would have Cas in it" just makes me all the more convinced that the final episode was some kind of djinn dream. Like.... There's no other explanation in my opinion. If Dean's perfect heaven was supposed to have Cas, and he tragically gets faked out by Jimmy (????? Why tf would jimmy be there anyway), it just proves that it's not ACTUALLY heaven. That, along with he El Sol beer he's drinking is all the evidence I need. I think after 15x19, Dean and Sam got whammied by some monster, and are stuck in a hallucination, and that's what we're seeing. (My headcanon is that it's actually The Empty doing it, because it knows if it doesn't keep Dean and Sam occupied and spinning in circles, they'll invade the Empty to save Cas. So its trying to prevent that) :)

Hello, anon friendo! I am gonna start by offering the socially distanced version of a high five, because yeah... There is just so much to unpack here, and you provided such a succinct and all-encompassing series of statements to start from. Thank you!

*flings open array of questionable suitcases*

First off, Congrats on having rejected the finale. I know a lot of folks are still struggling with that one, for many reasons. But you have hit upon so many of the points I’ve been trying to make about the finale since it aired. I’d just like to start with some of the assumptions I’ve heard from folks about the finale that make it impossible for me to consider it fully honestly canon. Because so much about it just makes no goshdang sense... like... not at all...

One of the biggest issues I have surrounding the reception of the finale in parts of fandom is that it portrayed a “happy ending.” The show itself spent the entire final season telling us that a gravestone marked Winchester was not and never would be a happy ending (thank you Becky Rosen-- words I never thought I’d say, but honestly and most sincerely meant). Let’s break this down a bit.

Starting from the assumption that “heaven was fixed” so that characters could have true free will there, making it satisfying in any way that Dean died so young and never got to truly experience happiness during life, I would like anyone who has adopted this attitude to then explain Kansas the band. I mean... explain that in any satisfactory canon-compliant way. (hint: you can’t. it makes zero sense in canon, if heaven is truly reformed and “happy” with everyone in possession of free will.)

Which brings me to Misha’s comments about Jimmy being in the Roadhouse. Why, if heaven were truly fixed, would Jimmy ever in a bazillion years attend a party for Dean Winchester? If Heaven were truly a “happy” ending for Dean, why introduce this element of eternal tragedy and heartbreak to his heaven experience? Why taunt him with the eternal loss of Cas-- even if you don’t think he reciprocated Cas’s romantic feelings, he was canonically the best friend Dean ever had, and being forced to exist forever in a place where he had everyone else he ever cared for except for Cas? Is frankly horrific.

How the actual fuck is that a happy ending, in any sense of the word?

How is this the sort of heaven that Dean would’ve made for himself before it was “fixed?” At least in the memorex heaven, he could’ve lived in oblivious peace with Cas, even if it was always just his own memories and not ~actually Cas~. I honestly think that would’ve been happier than the abject tragedy of what we did get, and what we would’ve gotten had the original script played out.

All of this kind of makes me wonder if they ever even actually defeated Chuck. Like... it feels more like Dean got pulled into the Empty at that moment with Cas and Billie, and everything else after that point was the Empty’s endless experience of sorrow and despair we knew it subject its charges to. So that’s one potential for what could’ve actually happened. I mean, everything about the finale was sorrow and despair, you know? Dean didn’t even get to enjoy his pie at a pie festival because Sam smashed in in his face. How is any of it happy, in any way?

Because if that was actually heaven, there wasn’t actually any free will (because why tf would Kansas the band have chosen to put on that concert? why tf would Jimmy have been there, just to torment Dean with the taunt of Cas returning to him only to have that hope snatched away again? It’s cruel. It’s, in fact, a source of intense despair).

The djinn theory could also work, and I’ve read some excellent fix-it fic using that as a premise. But that doesn’t really explain what happened to Jack (and Amara, since she was in there with them) after hoovering up Chuck’s power, you know? I think the simplest explanations in canon are that Chuck actually won via the unified power of Light and Dark being transferred into Jack and effectively using him as a vessel. With Sam and Dean convinced they’d won, they effectively stopped resisting Chuck’s story for them, and using Jack’s understanding of humanity and the Winchesters specifically, Chuck finally was able to implement a version of his story that the Winchesters would just waltz into without thinking it was supernaturally influenced at all. Going bigger and bigger with monsters and cosmic troubles hadn’t worked, but going so small Sam and Dean would barely even notice the influence-- even with the incongruous reappearance of a vampire that appeared in their lives once, for like two whole minutes 15 years ago, and an unsolved case from the journal from more than 30 years ago that John had never even linked to vampires at all.

At this point, I need to mention that I’m watching 10.23 as I type this up. An episode in which we confront the Mark, along with Death, and Dean’s despair, where he learns a version of the truth (but by no means the full truth, or even accurate truth in some respects) about Chuck’s Story, Amara/The Darkness, etc. That would unfold more fully over the next five seasons. And what was the case Dean took in this episode? Vampires. LOLOL omg this show is nothing if not horrifically consistent, yes?

So because of this, I went haring off through my own blog looking for a post I made a long time ago about the symbolism of how various monsters are used on this show (because again, consistency). I got sidetracked by other posts in my monsters tag, including this from after 15.09 aired, which feels particularly awfully relevant. This was my reaction to Chuck’s Story he showed Sam in that episode, about what the future would look like should he successfully trap Chuck with a Mark, and which... yeah is basically exactly thematically consistent with what we saw in the finale, right down to a cheesy twist on vampires. Read the whole post right here, but this is the part that reached up and punched me in the face:

this is how Dean personally reacts when he loses Cas. We know how he reacts when he loses anyone else– think about what he did when Charlie died. He went on a murder rampage against the Stynes for killing her. When Mary died he broke some furniture and went full bore toward both resurrecting her and stopping Jack. But without Cas, Dean loses the will to fight. Sam has… always been different. He referenced Jess in 15.04 to remind us of how he was after she died in the pilot episode. Just like John, he picked up the revenge mission and ran with it. But for Dean, Cas is different. Without Cas… Dean gives up.

Because... Dean gave up. Sure, he and Sam weren’t overrun by vampires in the end. Chuck knew they’d never stop fighting the monsters, one way or another. The only way to get Dean to give up is something Chuck hadn’t quite figured out yet... maybe not until after 15.17, after confronting Cas in the hallway of the bunker, after absorbing Amara’s power, knowledge, and perspective on Dean.

Chuck needed Dean to give up, and honestly? Pushing Billie to clear him off the table and send him (and Cas, that pesky angel who never did what he was told) to the Empty would’ve been a direct way to deal with that... pretty much akin to having one sibling locked in a cage forever, yes?

Also, still looking through my monsters tag, I’m reminded of 14.15, and still cannot differentiate the version of Heaven in 15.20 from what was done to the people of that town. This... is not... paradise. This is actively what Dean has been insisting is the OPPOSITE of paradise since like… 4.22… No ending where Dean was a “Stepford bitch in paradise” ever had the possibility of being “happy,” at the core of things, and this “fixed” version of Heaven just doesn’t hold up to any degree of inspection. Something is seriously wrong here. https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/183465650390/so-can-we-talk-about-this-monster-of-the-week-for

And since I was unable to find the post I wrote who knows how long ago about Monsters and how they’re symbolically used on Supernatural to represent larger themes in the episode, I’ll just attempt to sum up what Vampires have been used for. Revenge. Vampires are always, in some way connected to themes of revenge.

(and hooray, I found at least a post adjacent to the one I’ve spent the last four hours trying to find... https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187207052080/i-obviously-did-not-think-this-through, where I mention that shapeshifters are about revealing hidden truths (mostly about Dean since most shapeshifters are connected to Dean), zombies are about grief and the inability to move past it.)

So why... why at the end of their road is the monster that comes after them-- literally FOR REVENGE for something that had never been blamed on Sam or Dean to begin with, from season 1, directly connected to John’s revenge mission and the first time they learned about the Colt AND the first time they learned in canon that Vampires were even real... like... this feels very specifically like some kind of layers-of-meta levels of shade on them, you know? Vampires are for revenge, so what vengeance exactly is being visited upon Sam and Dean in this episode? If not Chuck’s entire story for them itself?

So yeah, 100% agree, something is incredibly rotten in the finale. And I am sick to effing death of people trying to convince us that anything about this was “good” or “happy” or “satisfying” in any way. Or even “how it was always supposed to end” with Dean dead bloody, as if the entire back half of the series hadn’t been suggesting that a true win was the subversion of all of Chuck’s story for them, and Dean finally being able to have his chosen family all alive, happy, and chilling on a beach somewhere watching the sunset. Nothing will ever convince me that the ending portrayed in 15.20 wasn’t exactly how Chuck thought he “won,” rendering it entirely irrelevant to the rest of canon, unless all of canon was ultimately the tragedy we’d been encouraged to believe would be firmly defeated in the end.

Folks, you can’t have it both ways. 

[destielficsndrabbles]

What is your top 5 Destiel fics?

So I abandoned this blog years ago because the show was pissing me off and i had to take a step back. But, I’m feeling the vibe of the fandom again so I’ll give give it the old college try again. Anyway, here are some favorites. They’re all E or M because I’m a thirsty bitch.

My Top Five Destiel Fics 

a turn of the earth by microcomets (M)

Dean’s your typical half-orphaned, monster-killing 22-year-old until a trenchcoated stranger crashes into his back windshield one September night, claiming he’s an angel that knows him from the future and that he’s on the run.

Frigging fantastic.

(Or, in which Castiel gets stuck in Dean’s timeline preseries and Dean kind of hates it—until he doesn’t.)

There’s Only One Sure Thing I Know by blinkiesays (E)

Dean doesn’t even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby’s point: he’s faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he’s been defeated by the God damn Midwest. 

the taste of gravel in the mouth by deathbanjo (E)

This is what Cas gave up Heaven for: greasy diner food, shitty motel rooms with even shittier cable, long car rides spent in complete silence except for the same six tapes playing over and over again, and a burnt-out husk of a man who can barely hold a conversation anymore.

The Most Important Thing by  NorthernSparrow (E)

Jimmy Novak remembers nothing of the last six years. Reunited with his troubled daughter Claire, he’s struggling to raise her on his own. The most important thing is to make Claire happy. But why does he keep having these dreams of wings, and of two men in a black car? (Canon-divergent from S10E11, when we first met Claire again and Dean was still struggling with the Mark of Cain. Takes places several months later).

Crazy Diamonds by pantheon_of_discord (E)

A week ago, Dean was pulled out of Hell. Now, he’s apparently woken up in 2018, and the angel that a mere twenty-four hours beforehand had threatened to chuck him back into the pit is sleepily pouring himself coffee and wearing Dean’s second-favourite Zeppelin shirt. It all seems like a perfect happy ending, but with Hell’s scars still so fresh, Dean can’t imagine how he could have possibly gotten there.

At the same time, the Dean who went to sleep in the bunker, right next to Cas, wakes up on Bobby’s couch in 2008. He’s instantly bombarded with questions by a Lilith-obsessed brother and a man who’s been dead for years, and must decide between keeping his finally-perfect life intact, and the lives he could save by re-writing history.

Regardless of these choices, both Deans are trapped in the wrong decade, and their only way back lies with a Castiel still very much under Heaven’s thumb – one who might find the future Dean describes difficult to believe.

Bonus: Two Favorite Finale Fix-its

Nothing Equals the Splendor by RurouniHime (E)

(The other fic written by this author is amazing too and we should all bully them into writing more for destiel)

Maybe it’s the cynic in him. The hunter, always under the surface of any quietude he ever found. Or maybe it’s just that he has always had trouble with blind faith. But after a while (a blink? A decade? A century?), Dean raises his eyebrows, looks around, and says—“Uh. No.”It’s so close. Just so slightly imperfect. And maybe, he analyzes, maybe that’s the final knell of this bell called contentment. Dean’s experience with happiness has always been that last rise in the road, right before it turns. Right before fate comes barreling around the corner head on.He turns in his spot on the bridge, and suddenly Sam is like a cellophane film through which he can see the light streaming, and the taste of cheap beer on his tongue is much, much older a memory than it should be.

“Oh, you’re good,” he says, and means it.

Under the Same Sun by prosopopeya (E)

In which time is infinite, and so is the list of people willing to help Dean figure out what to do about Cas.

A fix-it for a lot of things: Dean’s repressed bisexuality, Dean’s utterly inexplicable failure to realize what Cas meant, the Charlie & Dean brother/sister content I crave, among others.

Bonus x2: A Shameless Plug for my own Romantic Comedy A/U Series

Ignore the Butterflies: Best Friend Advice from Dean Winchester by impatient14

What do you get when you add Firefighter!Dean to standoffish-Doctor!Castiel?

A thousand other fics, you say? Aaaand what’s your point exactly??!?!

Dean likes his doctor, but his doctor doesn’t like him. Accidental friendship ensues, heartwarming bonding type moments occur, and oops!friends become best!friends. But best friends aren’t supposed to feel the way Dean feels about Castiel. He knows this. So he ignores all the things that he can’t help feeling. When he sits and watches a movie with his best friend or when they are arguing about which method of coffee brewing is best, he pointedly doesn’t look at his friends lips, or the adorable way he tilts his head when he doesn’t understand.

Dean ignores his feelings. That’s the way he knows how to keep his best friend. Just ignore the butterflies.

[cherry-interlude]

Lana Del Rey Unreleased Ranking (3)

This is a re-ranking of Lana's unreleased songs, after making a first a few years ago. This is all my opinion, which I don't mind anyone disagreeing with but don't come for me for it - honestly, I like every song, despite any criticism, and this ranking is very vague. It's based on objective and subjective opinion.

This is the third of five posts, with the middle songs.

Dreamgirl

Purely wholesome and dreamy, Lana adds some very fifties “shoo-wops” to play a fifties starlet whispering, her vocals soothing and soft along with the looping piano that guides the song.

Jimmy Gnecco

Breathless over the brisk guitar, Lana gushes over Jimmy – mixing her adoration of her lovers with wannabe-starlet fangirling. It’s one of her best acoustic tracks as she smirks and requests a trip to the park.

Elvis

Lana’s acoustic dedication to her icon Elvis Presley is memorable despite how stripped back it is. It could have been cleaner but Lana’s sorrowful desperation to be close to this man who she is such a fan of works well in being decent output from her.

Boarding School

It’s a difficult listen, considering Lana’s nostalgia is for a “pro-ana nation” and a school where “makig love with your teachers” is revered, but it may just be a satirical look at her time in boarding school when she was younger. I don’t enjoy listening to such worrying topics being handled in an upbeat song but the song itself has well-written lyrics and a great instrumental.

Television Heaven

This song is incredibly sweet, with lovely lyrics, dreamy verses and a distinctive pop feel, but it is definitely a strange mash of instrumentals. It’s not too jarring but it does make the song fall lower in ranking. It feels indecisive as it goes from sugary pop to a slightly darker feel in the choruses, and the lyrics aren’t the most imaginative in Lana’s library of tracks.

Be My Daddy

Lana’s full on sex-kitten in this song that opens with twangy guitars and her hushed “what’s up?” as she greets her potential “daddy”. With dirtier lyrics that she’s “open like a Christmas present” and how she’ll “fuck you”, Lana avoids keeping the sex in just the vibe of the song.

Break My Fall

Another song made for another artist, Lana this time sounds like she’s doing her own track. The pop sound is still ideal for actual music charts but Lana pulls the song off well, playing a strong woman far removed from the tragic women of many of her songs. It’s strong in quality and doesn’t stray into more experimental territory where many of Lana’s unreleased songs reside.

Hit and Run

With three versions to pick from (the poppy original, the Born To Die style slower version and the demo Criminals Run The World that’s a little more overt about Lana’s violent intentions), all three of these songs have something special about them. The pop version is bouncy and chaotic, perfect for a wild spree of gun fights and car chases. The slower version is much more seductive and measured, but a little too reflective compared to the manic power of the upbeat version. Criminals Run The World ranks much lower, not as smooth compared to Hit and Run but still with that insanity that makes Hit and Run a wild ride.

Heavy Hitter

With a jazzy introduction, Lana gives us a glamorous tale of a star having an overdose (somehow she makes it glitzy). However, following the suggestive chorus in which Lana asks her man to open his butterfly doors of his car (to drive her to get help, somehow delivered with seduction rather than horror), the lyrics get lost in Lana’s generic praising of herself and her wicked ways. However, it’s a staple of Lana’s unreleased music, even if I do skip after the (if you think about it) harrowing first verse and chorus.

Behind Closed Doors

The instrumental is a little bit all over the place, but it does work when Lana details her ill-received romance to her lover, then jumps right in the chorus to eagerly tell him how much she enjoys sleeping with him.

Gangsta Boy

Lana is inspired by Betty Boop as she croons and gasps her way through the track. The vibe is great, though the music falls a bit, but Gangsta Boy is playful, light-hearted fun.

You’re Gonna Love Me

Lana may be raw in her vocals and basic in her instrumentals (only a guitar) but Lana takes control, self-assured she will make the listener adore her. Her confessional whisper that she might just want to be loved gives this song a knowing edge despite the pondering questions and realism-on-the-edge-of-pessimism feel tone.

Living Legend

Lana’s Living Legend was intended for Ultraviolence, and whilst the song fits in it is definitely one of her more slumbering songs. Yet her sentiment is strong, her lyrics thoughtful and thoroughly enjoyable. All of the versions bring something a bit different but it is underlined by great song-writing.

Hey You

Lana has fun greeting a potential lover with this track and I have as much fun listening to it. The chorus is sparse and repetitive but Hey You is all about grabbing your attention rather than going to deep.

Is It Wrong?

Claustrophobic and guided by a smart riff and technological glitches, Lana pulls off the perfect unhinged groupie as she questions whether or not she is wrong for wanting the star of her dreams so much. The glitching is great for really seeing how Lana teeters on the edge of sanity for this guy she can’t resist, going from being the starlet to the foaming-at-the-mouth fangirl.

Playground

Lana becomes a rapper apparently in Playground and hits back at anyone who doubts her and her music. With a cloying chorus that compares the music industry to a playground of bitchy comments and school yard, Lana’s verses are smooth and her references overall decent. It can be a little bit clunky in places but it doesn’t take itself too seriously.

Motel 6

A cute little dance track which namedrops Jim and her sister, Chuck, Lana brings the party to her favourite motel, downplaying her glamour to throwback her ‘lore’ and her old life pre-fame. Though it’s very much just describing one night rather than anything complex, it’s harmless fun.

Dynamite

Like the explosive dynamite itself, this song is punchy, restless and powerful. Lana layers this dominating track with innocent references to ice cream and pillow fights whilst also not holding back from the sexual references.

Afraid

Neat and mournful, Lana finally breaks off from her toxic partner. Lana is either sick of being worried for the future or terrified of her partner, and its reflective sadness as she plans to go back home still leaves hope that she will be able to be happy.

Wayamaya

Rolling calmly like a beach wave, Lana takes us straight to Hawaii and paints us an image of handsome surfers and Mercurys. Wayamaya is simply a soothing, short, cute little track that keeps very much surface level.

Hawaiian Tropic

Plinky music paired with non-stressful verses and imagery of Hawaiian shirts, this is the (in my opinion) better version of Every Man Gets His Wish (which shares the same chorus). The subtlety of this track compared to Every Man Gets His Wish helps to convey the hurt feelings a lot better, with the nostalgic feel and mournful longing in the vocals.

Dum Dum

Lana plays the alcoholic star who name drops Scarlett O’Hara and Bugsy Malone as part of her identity. These lyrics are pretty witty and the song snappy but, like some of her unreleased music, is a bit too overproduced and not cohesive. The verses and choruses don’t quite gel which doesn’t make for a song that flows well but with tweaking it could be even better.

Hollywood’s Dead

Lana fits perfectly into the era of fifties with this mid-20th century driven track. It sounds perfectly in place for the decade she frequently romanticises (with a modern twist) and Lana’s crooning, tearful references to her icons drips with glamour.

Fake Diamond

For an anti-romance song, Fake Diamond is quite upbeat. Lana complains of her ‘lover’ who is one way with her, a different way with others, whilst comparing their relationship to all manner of Lana-themed aesthetics (diamonds, movie projectors, etc.). Comparing herself to a child, she practically has a tantrum in the chorus, stamping her feet lovingly as she demands he loves her. I do think this song is joyful, making fun of her inattentive lover whilst keeping one step ahead of his games.

I Must Be Stupid

Lana’s live unreleased track lets Lana enjoy her life despite the hurt that surrounds it, showing strength in the face of heartbreak and other such topics in her music. It was performed post-Lust For Life, an era in which Lana embraced the light side rather than simply the dark.

Live Or Die

The version that is a little bit more lowkey and, in some ways, mature in that it matches a lot of her early albums sound is good but it’s not my favourite. There’s the heady, ultra-pop second version that has plenty more sexy references, a little meow (iconic) and an overall vibe of just having fun on the run. The former version is a bit more serious, but the second is – though less good in terms of production – full of soul.

Velvet Crowbar

Velvet Crowbar is a song that shows the dark side of fame and bad boys, namely the way they self-destruct to the point that their adoring lovers (already addicted to these gangstas of course) are falling with them. This song is a warning to these destructive souls that they aren’t invincible, and an equal warning to the people that love them that they might just fall apart and lose them. Lana puts her emotion across so well, with her stark lyrics, anxious guitars and growling third chorus. Even her more flowery imagery doesn’t cover up the overt fear that runs through this song.

Your Band Is All The Rage

Probably one of Lana’s saddest songs (which could be a great deal many since she knows how to tug heartstrings), Lana lets go of her rock star lover despite still loving him in this acoustic track. She makes soulful promises to be there when he needs him, her love lingering until he wants her back, and utilises the country music theme to her advantage.

1949

The studio version is my favourite but the charm of the original, acoustic demo is unmatched. Despite the controversial inspiration for this track, Lana puts us straight in the world of the 1950s, with American motels and Kmart. It has a note of sadness – perhaps because of the unfortunate tale of Lolita that much of this song seems based on – but it works as one of Lana’s aesthetically pleasing and classic tracks.

Because of You

The spoken intro is a little bit cringe but the song is lovely. Lana plays an immature brat who fell in love with a good man who essentially tamed her (a little bit questionable for some in 2021). It’s got some of her most flowery imagery and it details how her relationship bought out the best of her. The casual comments she throws in throughout the song give this a real bedtime story feel, though this song is anything but sleepy.

Resistance

Frustrated but fun, Lana’s catchy and upbeat Resistance brings to mind surfers and sunny days set in the noughties. Even though she’s furious with the guy who’s causing her so much trouble it still, for a change, stays perky and pleasant. A song that needs more attention, it’s the type of song that gets people singing and dancing along to it.

Dangerous Girl

With a rock-feeling patriotic opening, Lana launches into a track about her prowess as a dangerous girl, like a deranged beauty queen with a gangsta on her arm. It’s simply fun, complete with wolf-whistles and an impression of a siren.

[norahastuff]

Bucklemming are the ones who wrote Cas using emojis!

Yeah, they nailed it with that one.

Unpopular opinion ahead warning!

I can’t believe I’m actually saying this, but I genuinely think Bucklemming have been writing Cas really well since s13. I mean don’t get me wrong, their episodes are disjointed as fuck, the pacing’s usually really jarring and the excessive exposition drives me up the wall. They don’t seem to know the meaning of show don’t tell - see the weird ass scene where Sam and Dean, reveal their big plan to Chuck in 15x19 - but I do think they’ve given us some good Cas content.

For instance:

13x07 - Cas getting to be bitchy and condescending to Lucifer and just generally getting to make fun of him and act superior. Dean being really worried about him and able to tell that something’s wrong because Cas is being overly affectionate over the phone. This is also the episode where Ketch pretends to be his own evil twin and Dean punches him in the face, which yes, is really stupid, but it’s so ridiculous it swings right back around to being hilarious and I’m obsessed with it.

13x13 - Kind of a forgettable episode and I hate all the Lucifer stuff but Cas is just so done with everyone and he gets to do the flippy angel blade thing and knock Ketch out which is pretty much the content I’m here for.

13x18 - Nothing major for Cas here, but he’s once again pissy about Ketch and completely done with everybody, which, I’m easy, that’s pretty much all I need.

13x22 - Honestly there was some amazing Cas stuff in this episode. He got to meet an AU version of himself that was so completely broken from years of torture because he’d never met Dean and had never been able to fully rebel. I mean this exchange in particular:

AU Cas: Don’t think that you are better than me. Well, we are the same.

Our Cas: Yes. We are. (Stabs him.)

Cas isn’t surprised in the least about what he became in a world without Dean, and it’s really satisfying to see Cas have his choices validated and to see him be good with where he’s at in his life. I mean they even have the whole juxtaposition of AU Cas torturing Charlie on heaven's orders and our Cas torturing someone on Dean's. It's still Cas, it's just his allegiance and what he's fighting for is different.

Unfortunately this all becomes much less poignant because Misha decided to do that weird ass German accent for AU Cas, (love you dude, but no) but the writing for him in that episode is pretty good. Plus he gets to say he vastly prefers humans to angels, which is always nice to hear.

14x02 - This episode is full of excellent Cas content. He parents Jack, gives him a monologue about how he found self worth when he was a human, talks to him about Kelly and just generally coaches him on being human.

He also gets to talk about vessels and his feelings about the whole Jimmy thing. Plus he dunks on angels again, is the smartest person in the room and is very clear that his priority is always Dean.

14x07 - My favourite thing is Cas getting to act superior and condescending towards people he can't stand and it’s there in spades in this episode because this is where Cas meets Sergei. He hates him so much and its hilarious. There’s also a long shot of Cas failing to look dignified when sitting on a pouffe. Oh and he dunks on Ketch again when he finds out Sergei and Ketch are buds.

14x12 - Cas is annoyed as fuck with Dean about his whole “lock myself in a box and throw it to the bottom of the ocean” plan so he dresses up as a doctor and has a ridiculously intense conversation with Dean that seems like it could lead pretty much anywhere before they get interrupting moose’d.

14x19 - There’s some good Cas/other angels stuff in here, just further cementing that heaven is very clearly not his home anymore. Also the Cas and Jack stuff is good too.

15x02 - Holy shit, I love this one. That whole conversation that Cas and Dean have about how Chuck has been manipulating them but Cas refuses to accept their decisions haven’t been their own because he knows what free will is and he’s fought and given up everything for it, is one of my favourite scenes in the entire show. That whole scene is just such good characterisation, for Dean yes, but especially for Cas, because he has such a complicated relationship with destiny and grand plans, and he, more than anyone, knows what it truly means to free because of how hard he’s had to fight for it. And you know:

“Dean you asked what about all this is real. We are.”

That’s a banger of a line, if I’ve heard one.

15x08 - Dean and Cas go to hell and get couple’s therapy from Rowena, actually their whole dynamic in this ep is very well done, what with the whole “I can’t look at you but I can’t be away from you either” thing they’ve got going on. There’s also some really good Cas and Michael stuff and he actually says “You had an entire oak tree shoved up your ass” so yeah.

15x13 - Cas going to the Empty, he’s once again just done with everyone, especially Dean and I love it. Plus there’s the Dean and Cas marriage symbolism in that church, I mean they have to do some really contrived storytelling just to have Dean and Cas stand at that altar together.

15x19 - Yeah this episode is clunky af, but Cas’ importance is repeatedly emphasised. There’s that cut scene where Jack prays to him, Michael expressing condolences to Dean about Cas’ death (also cut I know but they still wrote it), Dean yelling at Chuck to bring Cas back, the whole Lucifer pretending to be Cas thing(he impersonates people’s dead lovers when he’s asking them to let him in) and finally the big moment at the end where Dean internalises Cas’ big speech in 15x18, and decides to see himself as Cas did and be the man Cas loved and died for. 15x19 is too much of a mess for me to call it a good ep, but that scene was really satisfying.

So yeah, there’s plenty of stupid in BL episodes and I found all the Lucifer and Nick stuff really tedious but at a certain point they did get kind of good at writing Cas, his characterisation is pretty consistent throughout their episodes in the Dabb era which I don’t really think was the case back in the Carver seasons. Guess they at least learned something.

(10x21 is still some of the worst writing in the entire show though.)

[septembersghost]

wait, i can't stop thinking about how this is all plotted and i have to get it out on "paper." i already mentioned that the sandpiper plot is so important because it began all the way back in S1 and has informed every step of jimmy's career and transformation, and has been the catalyst of a number of important events on the legal side of the show - jimmy discovering that chuck was the one who had sabotaged him and didn't want him working at HHM, which heightened their opposition, and his (misplaced or not) resentment of howard. cliff and rich being introduced as characters - people jimmy and kim will briefly work for, respectively, until they leave those positions, which most would see as dignified, for something they crave more, because they don't conform to those worlds (for better and for worse). jimmy worked in elder law, and his scheme to try and get the settlement money by manipulating irene is what closes that door forever. during his suspension, he sells drop phones, which brings him to his current criminal clientele. mesa verde is very connected here too, of course, and integral with chuck's death and kim's vengeance, but sandpiper struck a match, and kim, in something unforgivable, lights a fuse by deciding they should grandly scheme against howard in order to force the settlement. every thread woven together. but this plot on its own would never have been fatal. it's nasty and vindictive in its elaborate construction, but howard could eventually have bounced back, and more than likely they'd never have interacted with him again. saul vs. HHM shenanigans done.

but this has never been a singular show. it's always been dual. two speeding trains on two different tracks headed for fiery collision.

thinking about the legal side is neglecting the cartel side, and they're both entirely connected now. this is a very quick summation, i know, but i have to exorcise it from my head.

jimmy got a couple of dumb guys to try and run a scam on the kettlemans, except they accidentally ran into tuco's abuela instead. tuco drags jimmy to the desert. nacho, smartly, intervenes - it's bad business to croak a lawyer, a guy like that disappears, someone's gonna come looking for him - and jimmy and the guys escape (with the exception of their two broken legs). nacho decides to rip off the kettlemans, gets in trouble when they "disappear," and calls jimmy in as counsel. jimmy gets him out.

nacho and mike later set up tuco to send him to prison because he's volatile and unpredictable. except tuco going to prison brings in hector, who tries to involve nacho's father. nacho won't stand for that, and switches hector's pills. hector has a stroke, which brings gus' attention to nacho, whom he then threatens and begins using as a double agent.

hector's stroke causes the cartel to send lalo to abq. lalo hatches a plan that a lawyer could help with when domingo is arrested (this, like so many other events, ultimately also affects breaking bad), so nacho ropes jimmy in, because he has already interacted with him and knows he can be persuaded in the shadier side of the law. jimmy, truthfully, doesn't have the option to say no - lalo would assuredly kill him - so he helps with the scheme. then lalo himself gets arrested for the reckless murder he commits, and jimmy has to bail him out, which requires retrieving his seven million dollars in the desert. during this ordeal, he's ambushed and nearly killed by a rival cartel, but mike rescues him, which is connected to gus - a man jimmy doesn't even know - and this leads lalo to his suspicions that jimmy lied about the desert, which is why he shows up at he and kim's apartment the first time. jimmy is still in a traumatized state, so kim is the one who stands her ground. kim tells lalo, this is pathetic, can't you trust people in your own organization? you come here to threaten your lawyer? get your house in order.

lalo leaves and takes nacho to mexico, where nacho is forced to aid in an assassination attempt, which fails. lalo escapes, nacho has to take the fall, and ultimately chooses to remove himself from the board of gus' chess game. jimmy is unaware of any of this and believes lalo is dead. kim, by way of mike and his belief in her sterner stuff, knows otherwise.

lalo searches for proof against gus, for proof of the lab, realizes hector's phone is tapped, fakes them out that he's going to come after gus, mike pulls his protective detail off guarding jimmy and kim. lalo swerves and goes back to his lawyers to "talk." if jimmy had known lalo wasn't dead, maybe this would've gone differently. maybe he'd have canceled the howard scheme altogether, maybe he and kim would've been hiding out somewhere safer, maybe he would've locked the door. kim, in protecting him by hiding the truth from him, has no way of knowing what she's sealed. she doesn't go to santa fe. it happens today.

howard shows up to confront them, which he is justified in doing and which they fully expected him to do. but there's no possible way to anticipate lalo slinking in, armed. howard is a witness. "who are you?" "me? nobody." howard is equally a nobody to lalo, but he's not a nobody to us, nor to jimmy and kim. there is no possible way howard can leave that apartment - take your time, it's the only time you have left. adiós. shhhh. let's talk.

all of this because jimmy accidentally ran into tuco at the end of episode one. the legal sandpiper plot runs perfectly parallel to it, so every storyline ultimately aligns. howard and lalo both walk into that room on the same night, and it feels fated, it feels preordained, but everything that led here was a choice made by SOMEONE. by one of the main characters, even the ones not in the room. jimmy, kim, howard, lalo, all make decisions that land them there. mike and gus are complicit. chuck is in the flame and nacho is in the muzzle flash. you think of me. it is so careful and so intricate that you can't even grasp it all clearly until you pull back, like a tapestry you only see from a birds eye view. everything, inexorably but with agency from each main character, had to end up here. this show is insane and so am i!