#but what you're saying is. hurt your country's women. not mine.

[doberbutts]

Sometimes I really feel like people get caught up in the hypothetical "societal scale" or "patriarchal hierarchy" of things and completely forget that they're talking about real, living human beings.

"I only talk about women's issues and MY suffering can't be compared to the suffering of MEN because something something patriarchy" like... What?

Suffering is suffering. Rape is rape. Fear is fear. I don't care about how society works or whatever patriarchal hierarchy you're talking about, I care about the real human beings that are suffering.

This can't be turned into "Well my group has it worse so I don't care about your suffering because it's the fault of an invisible Big Evil Thing and mine is REAL". It's not some sort of competition. People are being hurt. People are afraid and traumatized and need help.

You can't say you care about and want to advocate for rape victims and then go "Uh, except for half of them lol". Either you care for ALL victims or none of them.

This is especially horrific considering how in some countries a man can't even be considered a rape victim legally, and male victims of rape/assault/abuse have little to no resources for help in most places.

If you (general you) want to talk about "We have it worse in society!" you might want to like... Actually look up how male rape victims are treated.

Oh, absolutely, I fuss about this all the time. People are so caught up in whether something's systemic or whether something's on a societal scale and forget that if someone is recounting something that hurt them, you still need to take the individual into account.

This isn't some hypothetical number on a chalkboard. These are living, breathing, real live human beings, and if we don't talk about it, how can they ever get any help?

[wild-wombytch]

Mix of reading review and personal shits and existential crisis about lesbianism : (also TW for rape, I'm putting the most TMI paragraphs in purple so you can skip them)

I finished reading a French book with pictures and portraits of lesbians. While I liked it (there are especially fascinating portraits of immigrant lesbians and elderly lesbians), I have mixed feelings about it.

On the bright side, no TIM apparently, even a TIF dating only lesbians and not pretending to be male who was quite wholesome to read about. We stan endangered species.

And the less bright side...A lot of the women here seem to be bisexuals calling themselves lesbians and saying they "became" lesbians or they made a choice or were "happy" with their male exes. A lot of uses of "queer" (although all these women undeniably are SSA, have sex with and date women). The average experience seems to be women who were with their moid for 8y or so, had kids with them, and then had experiences with women or met their current long-term female partner and have more babies with them.

It's a bit disappointing. Like, I can understand older women who married long term with men maybe being lesbians. I can understand women trying to be with men (like I did) because they had no real representation of lesbian relationships (especially in rural/very religious areas) and never questioned their lack of attraction to men because they thought everyone was meh about them and hetero relationships were seen as the "default" or because they were afraid of their attraction to women.

But I'm sorry, women who are happy with men can't be lesbian by definition. And women who stay for YEARS with their moids... like c'mon. (Kinda TMI following) I spent two weeks and a half with "mine" because I was stuck in a foreign country and couldn't go home after two days there and I already felt sick and wanted to kms and had genuine mental breakdowns curling on the floor crying and only calming down by mentally organising my luggage and making plans to maybe hitchhike and panhandle my way to the airport while taking opioids until I was numb enough to be gaslighted into giving him another chance. And another. And another...and so on.

Technically, I was never fully penetrated because I was so repelled that I became a venus flytrap and I'm thinking that the bleeding I had was more about having tears down there than my hymen. Very much a "you shall not pass" moment.

When I tried again with a male thinking that maybe it was just because the other one sucked as a person and disgusted me as an individual and other men would be different, I almost threw up during intimacy and cried (which didn't keep him from forcing me to sex acts I didn't want and which made me sick and hurt me anyway).

Genuine question: do y'all think it's possible to be lesbian when you're with a man for years? To be lesbian and have kids with your husband? Could it be internalized lesbophobia and lack of solid French lesbian community ? Or is it genuinely impossible in your opinion?

Because at the same time...a lot of these women also spent like 15, 20y with their current partners and couldn't be with men anymore if they were single.

But it bothers me. From one hand, this book is good at getting rid of the guilt of having been with men/raped by men, but on the other hand...I genuinely couldn't relate to the average narrative there. There was I believe 1-2 lesbian only who were gold stars and while some say men weren't for them or were a mistake...I haven't seen strong words against men and the male body or penises.

Like, for me, what makes me call myself a lesbian is not just my love/desire/attraction to women, it's also my repulsion for the male body, no matter how much I attempted to "fix" it. (Kinda TMI) And looking in hindsight to all the signs, like constantly ""joking"" "haha but what if I'm a lesbian" or being against traveling (before caving in the pressure) because just reading about penetration genuinely made me sick to the stomach and made me dizzy in a bad way, even before I was confronted to actual irl dicks (that plus dysphoria). I went with men in the first place because I'm fucked up and struggle to dissociate friendship, fear and love, and my ex was the first person who seemed to not treat me like garbage (the very first days we met online at least, afterwards it's a very different story) and because I had problems with alcohol and stuff and thought I was pansexual because I was attracted to women but never asking myself if I ever felt something for men (I didn't, except fear. Which sometimes gets tangled with having "butterflies" because again, I'm fucked up).

Idk, for me lesbianism by definition is tied to repulsion or at the very least indifference towards the male body (all the male bodies, not just the ones who traumatized you), not just attraction to the female body, which can be bisexuality.

I'm also curious (since I see this hot topic a lot) about everyone's opinion about women who simp for, say, fictional men (maybe even exclusively feminine male characters, created to cater to a female audience). Who for example have fantasies about them, which don't involve penetrative sex, thinking of dicks or male characteristics they'd be confronted to irl like smell and hair and average moid behaviours. Could it be internalized homophobia/misogyny? A way to feel safe/deal with some ossues they had with males? Can they be lesbians (maybe lesbian in denial)? If so, does it i stop once they accept themselves? Or is it a dead giveaway of bisexuality? Curious of what radfems think about this since I've since very varying opinions on Reddit and such and met women like that irl.

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Heya!

I'm the person who said I may unfollow before, remember me? I decided to respond to a few of the points you made. >But libertarianism isn't about no rules or no government. It's about limited government.You can be libertarian and still support a moral rule of law. So, this one is my fault for not clarifying enough what libertarianism is. And I will say, it is my fault. I do agree with this statement! And I personally agree that no laws or restrictions at all is stupid, I just support minimal government interaction. >Banning abortion doesn't "oppress woman". You're not supporting freedom or women by saying "yeah I don't really like abortion and I do think it's killing a child, but it shouldn't be banned because freedom". Where do you draw the line? When is it not okay to kill a child because of "freedom"?  My line is drawn usually at conception (Or a few months until birth), I personally, as said before, don't endorse abortion AT ANY TIME, but I do believe that it should be allowed at these times if it is really a problem for >As for "coat hanger abortions", there is no evidence of them ever happening. Illegal "back alley abortions" use the same methods as abortions you can get now at any Planned Parenthood in the country. They happen in clinics and are performed by the same people who would perform a legal abortion. This! Alright. Lets get into this First, yes, coat hangers aren't actually commonly used for abortions. I just use is as a umbrella term as that is what people commonly associate with it. Its not really a term I agree with, but I simply use it out of lack of a better term. Additionally. The problem isn't the CURRENT RATE OF DEATHS. Because that isn't what I'm worried about. The problem is that the POTENTIAL for these rates can rise. RIGHT NOW, the rate of illegal to legal abortion deaths are the same, but you also have to realize the ratio of legal to illegal is not EQUAL. If these rates remain consistent as illegal abortions become commonplace, we would see deaths RISE. >I would recommend actually looking into these things, as well as what actually happens during an abortion and the reasons why women get them (hint: almost all abortions are elective, not for any health related reason) I try my best to! I know most abortions are elective. I find that gross. I think they should just be for health reasons in a moral vacuum but we just don't live in a society that can accommodate for that without some people getting hurt. >but I fear you conveniently unfollowed me before I could post anything that might get you to reexamine your beliefs I may've unfollowed, but I haven't plugged my ears. I'm not the type to be afraid of healthy discussion, and I'm glad you've kept this so civil! >. You already understand that abortion is "snuffing out the light and beauty of life", but you still need that extra push to realize that banning or restricting immoral acts to protect human rights--in this case the right to life--is not contradictory to believing in and supporting freedom. It is, in fact, necessary.  I just don't really like the implications of abortion. I feel, similar to gun control, it can spiral, that if we do well and truly restrict this right, not only will we be blindsided by some shit we didn't see coming, but also that it could lead to a slippery slope of justifications that can lead to more suffering. Am I wrong for thinking this way? Maybe. But I may be right too. No one's moral values are perfect, and we can't let them get in the way of rational decision making.

For better, or for worse, I don't like putting my personal beliefs and repulsions into politics, as that is how problems start. I appreciate your response and wish mine helps you think. I'm not looking to change your mind or anything. I want to learn and debate just as much as you do, even if I don't agree with you and can't actively support everything you believe. Thanks for reading if you do!

The problem is that the POTENTIAL for these rates can rise. RIGHT NOW, the rate of illegal to legal abortion deaths are the same, but you also have to realize the ratio of legal to illegal is not EQUAL. If these rates remain consistent as illegal abortions become commonplace, we would see deaths RISE.

This is from the article that I linked in response to you bringing this up the first time.

"[T]he data suggest," observes Joseph Dellapenna, author of the most definitive work of U.S. abortion history, "that there have been as many maternal deaths in the United States annually from legal abortions (estimates range from 15 to 35 per year) as there were maternal deaths from illegal abortions in the years immediately before Roe v. Wade was decided

What this means is that back before Roe, when abortions could be banned and women got illegal abortions, the death rate of women from getting an abortion was little different than it was with legal abortion in all 50 states. What happened last year is we went back to pre-Roe. All the available data shows that death rates from abortion won't rise significantly with abortion being banned. But even if it did, even if the yearly death toll doubled from 35 deaths to 70 per year, that would still pale in comparison to the around 600,000-800,000 babies murdered each year in an abortion.

That's really the only number that matters. Because if you think abortion is murder, and it seems that you do, you also think that killing at least 600,000 children a year is a valid price to pay to keep the number of women who die yearly from abortions from maybe rising above 35. Why is that? Because they're unborn? Because it's easier to sympathize with a woman you can see and talk to that it is to sympathize with an unborn child you can't interact with? If that's the case, then you're the one letting morals and emotion "get in the way of rational decision making."

I also wholeheartedly reject the idea of ignoring morality when making laws. If laws aren't moral then they aren't valid. Cold rationality has been used to justify atrocities across human history. "Rationality" is what got us "14 days to flatten the curve" and "executive order 9066". I'm not saying that pure emotion should be relied on either. That's how you get the Patriot Act and pretty much all gun control as well. But morality can't be thrown out in favor of rationality when it comes to making laws. And if we're talking pure rationality, then the number of babies killed still outweighs the number of women who die from abortion. The only moral solution is to ban abortion and then fund advances in women's healthcare, specifically pre- and post-natal care, along with education resources about pregnancy, abortion, and the risks associated with both.

[papirouge]

Hi geniune question here from a Christian woman, I think I've nailed down why I get a certain habitual sin of mine, but unsure how to implement how to stop it. I have a habitual sin of masturbating, and while I don't watch porn or read erotica now I used to as a teen. Nowadays I like to read dark stories, listen to country or steampunk music or instrumental songs, watch informational documentaries or macabre videos online, then find myself drawn to certain fictional characters from the shows and books and fall into committing the habitual sin thinking about the characters. I also did used to be wiccan/pagan but have turned to God during the pandemic, trying to ammend my ways to fit His ways. I think the way to fix this alongside prayer is to cut these media sources out, but I'm not sure how, because it seems the media I gravitate toward usually isn't steeped in sexuality, it's usually dark fantasy or folklore. Any tips or recommendations that are Godly for those of us ladies who like macabre and gothic subjects but follow Christ?

That's a very interesting ask, thank you anon.

I think your solution is in your own word ; you admit consuming "dark stories" "macabre music" "dark music" and I know for a fact how much it can influence your spiritual health. I myself used to enjoy a channel about ghost stories (the channel owner was Muslim, and she definitively wasn't glorifying witchcraft or demons ("djinns") but still, regularly watching her videos made me feel like something was "wrong", so I eventually unsubbed.

I also think that "safe" media can also be very damaging, and they are the most dangerous ones because they seem so harmless that we tend to let our guard down around them. For example, if a say that love songs or romance novels are spiritually harmful, most people will think I'm crazy. But consider this : by focusing so much on love and romance, it breeds a spirit of lust within us. You might say "oh but it's just romance" but be honest, unless you're asexual, you'll eventually grow lustful sentiments towards someone you're really attracted to romantically (that's precisely what Paul was talking about when he said it was better to be married than sin if you feel like sexually incontinent). And yes, even for fictionnal characters. Why do you see fanfic are so much popular, and championed by women? They are a way to express female repressed sexuality by writing content about fictional characters they find romantically endearing.

For many people, lust isn't that much far from romance, and entertaining (even fictional) characters is a very slippery slope.... It's a form of idolatry, and it might as well develop strong demonic bonds with incubus who channel this lustful energy. : many cases of possession involve waking up having orgasms for example (this shit is serious : demons can have a physical impact on your body) (energy NEVER disappear, that's why we have to be very cautious to where we direct it)

Sanctification is a whole process anon, and you'll learn to get away of things you can't imagine living without, trust me lol All this gothic, macabre stuff isn't from God. Jesus is the God of Life, not dead. You might try to educate yourself on things from the "dark", but constantly surrounding yourself with it is ultimately hurtful. If you -truly- want to get rid of this dark energy following, get rid of this dark content, and if you want to get rid of your inclination to be drawn towards this stuff, you have to simply ask God to remove every idol from your heart. I'm not saying everything will go away overnight, but it will definitely be a progressive purge. I am myself in that process.

[hjellacott]

Really funny how 99% of your posts ab women's rights are about trans people. None about real issues facing your country or the world we live in right now. It's always the same with TERFs, y'all will claim to be on women side but if we look at your actions in the real world you never done any work for women. It's all words and hidden hate. If you took all that energy to help homeless women around your city you'd be a feminist, here you're just sad.

You know what's really funny? 1 that you clearly don't know me nor have seen all my posts, dozens of which are commenting the latest news on women's rights and feminism, and urging action. 2 I can also quite recall having commented issues affecting not just my birth country, but also my second country and Europe. 3 In fact, I've debated with people about those. 4 But what have you read, the last 5 posts on my blog? And "you've never done any work for women" well that's fucking LOL. I'm an activist in politics and feminism. I don't need to give you any fucking receipts, but I'll have you know I've done more for women in my life than you ever will. Not just actively defending them out there in the street when something happens to one of our sisters, but also going to protests, rallies, going on strikes for women's rights (a tradition that begun years ago in my student days), being active in politics, being well-informed all the time (because I do read the news several times a day, and contrary to most people who read the same newspapers all the time, I actually vary and also go international), knowing the latest laws concerning women and writing to my MP with suggestions, complaints and ideas, as my current country lets me do. I also use my actual profession, my career and any and all of my professional actions to empower women in the Arts and Culture, and I have now thrice reported powerful men in the British Film Industry for sexist and dangerous-to-women behaviour, such as sexual harassment (and that's three open and ongoing police investigations with Scotland Yard). And you're very quick to judge that I don't help homeless women when in fact, I do. I suggest you don't have such a big mouth to say what I do or do not do in terms of volunteering, donating and helping, because I'm not one to come to Tumblr and brag about "oh my God have you heard what a saint I am and the latest 50 things I've done today? paving my way to heaven!". But again, you want receipts? OK! I'll let you know I'm involved with women's shelters, I actively aid homeless, not just female ones but also men, and I'm an activist in a series of things including feminism, LGBT rights, Human Rights and BLM. That means that I don't just do protests and rallies, but that I communicate with politicians (here you can just write to them) every single fucking time they mess up, and have worked, in all the years I've been old enough to vote, towards a more feminist, LGBT, all-races-welcome city in every city I've lived in long enough to be able to vote. Because of active political involvement like mine, I can give you for example my birth city in Spain (although I won't tell you which one because privacy rights), is now one of the most feminist cities of Spain, where women can report you for rape if they didn't give specific consent to sex, and where gays can be gays and nobody hurts them. And that is without mentioning work in students' councils, in university students' associations, and out in the cold collecting signatures for one cause or another.

Also, you can use the word TERF to refer to me, even though I find it very stupid and I'll tell you why. One, you guys use it like an insult. And it's not. It means Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist. And there's nothing wrong about being a TERF. The reason is, you should always start fighting for rights in your own home, and then expand. You can't take care of others' families until yours is safe. So if any feminist wants to focus on purely feminist issues, that's perfect. In fact, the whole idea of TERF is rather absurd. It'd be like having a White Exclusionary Black Lives Matter activism. We don't need to because we already understand BLM is about putting the focus on black lives, something anyone, doesn't matter who you are, can and should be involved in, and then we can all end racism, together. The same is with feminism. The whole idea of feminism is putting the focus on females (hence the fucking word, it's a no-brainer). So if you don't identify as female, the focus is obviously not on you. It doesn't mean we exclude anyone, because everyone can join and participate, as they should. And focusing on females means focusing on "the female", i.e. people with a female sex. That includes women and trans men who have not physically transitioned. So you can't really exclude at least some trans people from feminism. But as the word says and like I keep saying, we're talking feminism, so it automatically only includes females. Trans people don't frequently identify as females, so they exclude themselves. Just like the LGBT collective is not fighting or even thinking about straight people's rights, not because they're evil, but because it's the LGBT club. Feminism is the females club. If you're not comfortable in it, it's not like we exclude you, it's that you exclude yourself. Similarly, when trans women decide to start the Trans Women Movement, then nobody will say they're Female-Exclusionary, nor gay exclusionary, nor trans men exclusionary, because everyone will sympathise with the idea that you're focusing on trans women because you need to, and the name itself says what's about and what's not about. It was never about excluding anyone, it's about FOCUSING on certain population that clearly needs it. That's what feminism is about. And in my particular form of practising feminism, I've always fought for anyone who identified as woman, even trans women, as I've got a few trans women friends and know and sympathise with their issues, just like they've fought for me and my well-being. And of course, in my fight I also include trans men who haven't had surgery ergo, are still at risk of being vaginally raped, impregnated, and forced to deal with very female problems such as needing an abortion.

So I don't believe in the term Terf, I think it's completely absurd and makes no sense, I always laugh when somebody shouts it at me, and it's just one more way for the TRAs to try and insult feminists, try to make them feel bad, and I've studied this in propaganda techniques, you know? it's book stuff. It's all about using a term nobody really cares to know what it really means, and shouting it about until it becomes an insult. It's like the word "retard". Well, it never used to be an insult, did you know? It simply meant people behind in development, and it was used by doctors to call people and focus studies on helping them. But people began shouting it around as an insult, and so it became one.

I think in feminism there's just feminist or not feminist. You can, of course be a radical feminist (and there's radicalism in every activism, of course). Personally, I don't quite agree fully with the radfems I've known and talked with, and find radfeminism a bit too much for my comfort levels, so I stay in mere feminism.

[treadmilltreats]

Why addicts do what they do

Yesterday, I wrote about our country's addiction to painkillers. I think that if you have a problem and you don't get the help you need, you can easily fall down this rabbit hole of addiction.

See, a lot of people can't understand an addict's behavior, and I get that because if you haven't been there, it is hard to understand.

I openly tell my story of being an addict as it is part of who I was, and it is part of who I am today.

My addiction shaped my life. It was all I thought about. When was the next time I was going to get high? Where I was going to cop? How much will I get? These were all questions that ran through my head all day until I could get to my next high. It consumed me, and in the end, it was all I wanted, all I cared about and all that would soothe my pain.

I know many addicts and we all have the same thing in common, we will always be addicts. Even if we have been clean like me, for 34 years, we still are addicts. We just turn our addictions into something else.

I turned my addiction into something healthy.

I exercised every day, sometimes twice a day. I then went for men who treated me horrible. Men who I ran after for love and affection, I traded one addiction for another, for another.

My ex brother in law turned his drug addiction into a gambling addiction and then a food addiction. As did my ex father in law who gave up gambling for food, and then even when he had gastric surgery and lost the weight, he then started drinking, all typical addict behavior.

A dear friend of mine, who years ago used to get high with me, is now like my adopted sponsor. She also gave up drugs for women and then turned to food and is finally realizing her behavior and is changing it.

I know this as I went to counseling for many years, I know this is how this works. Even though I thought I got this, sometimes you don't get it at all. Hell, even my ex best friend, who was clean for 9 years, met a man and fell off the wagon, hurting her family and her friends, even losing her children in the process. Trust me when I tell you addiction is huge.

I still had addictive behaviors even years later.

I used to go back to exes over and over. Why? Expecting what? The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. There are no different results there, yet I was looking there once again…

Hello!!...Asshole, move on! Again, all addict behaviors.

My friend has a tendency to be "Captain Save a Hoe" as we call her. She is always trying to save a hoe when she just needs to walk away. Again addict behavior.

Sometimes we think we are good, and it is then, when we slip. Like falling for ex's lines, remembering what we want to remember and not the whole picture, and so we think we can do this... and next thing you know, you're sucked back in.

We know better. It's like an alcoholic saying I'm going into this bar after being clean for 20 years, and I got this. I can have one drink. One drink turns into 5. Five drinks turn into the floor, and there goes your chip.

I can never have one snort, I know that, if I do, it's over for me. I know and openly admit I am an addict.

So, years ago, when I went back and started talking to an ex, I realized my addict behavior was kicking in again. I reached out to my "sponsor" as I needed to talk about my issues of why I have this need to keep going back there. Why do I have this need of closure, of addiction for something, or in my case, someone who is clearly no good for me.

Yet there I was, yet again because I was hurting and I felt alone, so I ran to get something that would soothe my pain, or so I thought.

Addicts don't look at the whole picture. We only look at the here and now. We are in pain right now. We can't deal with what is going on, and so we need to get something to cover up what we are feeling. We don't see that future. We only see getting our fix. We don't see that it will feel worse than before, and so the cycle begins again...and again and again.

We need to learn our behaviors and learn the healthy ways of dealing with our issues and our pain. I am still learning where this stems from and steps to take to stop it. So once again, I went back to AA and to counseling as I needed to work the program and to get a grip on my life.

I am not ashamed of this, I want to be a healthy, whole person, and if I slip in this behavior, who says I can't slip into my more toxic behaviors like before. So, I am being proactive in my journey of my new life.

So today, my friends, I'm here to tell you to know your addictions, because we all have them. Maybe not as bad as mine, or maybe it may be worse than mine. We all have skeletons in our closets, and we all have buttons that set us off to the deep end. I am just more honest about mine, and I want to help others be open and get the help they need.

There is no shame in saying your human, in saying I need help, that my life is a mess, and I can't deal with it.

The first step in AA teaches you to admit that you have a problem. You can't change, you can't get help until you admit you have a problem and it's okay, trust me, it's okay... you're not alone.

This is why addicts do what they do because we are trying to hide what we don't want to deal with.

The issues won't go away on their own. You must own them, deal with them, and as I always say at the end of every blog....

"Be the change you want to see"

@TreadmillTreats"Be the change you want to see"

@Treadmilltreats

"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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[casspurrjoybell-24]

Sugar Punch - Chapter 18

*Warning: Adult Content*

- Maddox - 

It feels like something I said pissed Theo off but I don't know what.

His mood was good and then suddenly he became quiet, something I've picked up on when he either overthinking something or when he's down about something that I said to him.

It was starting to annoy me, this guy's emotions shifted constantly.

Theo is still in school, almost in university, I was going to be too busy training to even, even if we got into a relationship, what would be the point?

He'd be busy studying and I would be in and out of the country constantly.

There was also the fact that I didn't date, ever.

Long distance relationships didn't work, why would Theo even want to go through that, when things were fine between us right now?

Maybe it's because he's younger, he doesn't know what he wants.

Either way, he's the only one I want to have sex with, shouldn't that be enough?

Even so, he's being too fucking quiet and if there was more to this then I rather talk about it now than later, if I've learned anything in my thirty-one years, it's that it's better to get it all out in the opening, before it gets worse.

"Should I try your parents again?" I asked Theo, sitting three seats away from me on the sofa.

He looked over to me and for a moment, I felt like I shouldn't have asked as his expression turned sour, almost like I overstepped.

"No... they're probably busy packing," he muttered, looking away from me.

Packing?

"You're moving house?"

It went quiet for a moment, before Theo smiles weakly at me, with a sad expression on his face.

"They're getting a divorce and have sold the house, I have three days to pack and find a place in the city. They won't pick up, even if I rang them… so don't bother," he says, his sad eyes shifting from mine to the TV.

Fucking hell, no wonder he's been in a mood, his fucking parents just dropped a bomb on him out of the blue, of-course he's going to be upset about it.

'Maddox, you insensitive asshole.'

So, he has move all his shit in three days or les, and find a place to live?

Who the fuck springs that on their kid like that?

It's almost like they don't give a shit about him.

"Do you need any help?" I ask, feeling guilty for my earlier thoughts. "I know a guy whose looking for someone to take over his apartment, while he goes traveling with his girlfriend for two months, it should give you more than enough time to find a place of your own, while saving a few bucks."

He looks at me and smiles, not a faked or forced smile, an actual genuine smile.

"Thanks, Maddox. That'd be helpful," he said, his cheeks tinted with pink.

"I'll give you, his number," I said, grabbing my cell-phone to send Chris, a quick text.

Theo looked a lot better after the shower, his legs and stomach still hurt, apart from that, the medication, the doctor left, seemed to have helped him a lot.

He can walk on his own too, which I knew he likes because every time I helped him up and room to room, he could barely walk from his shy and embarrassed he was, just from a single touch.

I knew he liked me and right now it wasn't a problem, I just couldn't get caught up in the moment, despite how much I liked having him around, being with him threw me off my game and made me sloppy.

I liked him too, I just couldn't think about the future with him though, I've known him for a week and while Theo hasn't dated before or been with anyone other than me, I am far from being a virgin, having slept with many women.

Fuck, I loved women but dating got too complicating, too hard and I realized early into every relationship that I had, that they all turned out shit because as soon as you label your relationship, the mood changes.

Living together, getting engaged, married and then talking about kids, I couldn't fucking handle that, I liked my space and I didn't like being tied down to anyone and kids... it just wasn't happening.

I'd never want to bring kids into this world, knowing the hell I went through as one, I'd rather die alone.

A few hours passed and Theo and I made small talk about the show we watched 'Vikings' but eventually it got late and I had training tomorrow and Theo had to go home at some point, right?

So, I took him home in my BMW and dropped him off outside of his house and looking at it again for the second time, nothing changed, inside was dark and to be honest, it looked fucking depressing that he lived here.

"Your parents not home?" I asked, turning the engine off.

"No… they're at hotels, I think," he said, looking out the window before taking his seatbelt off.

"There's nothing left, only my stuff so... they won't be back until this Wednesday, to welcome the new owners."

Man, everything that left his mouth was depressing, I knew all about absent parents and shitty upbringings, it made me hard and it drove me to seek a better life, I had seen many kids just like me struggling in the same situation but not once did I give a shit about them.

Until now.

Theo got out and before he could close the door, I sigh and call out...

"Wait.

"Honestly, ever since I started jerking off to this kid, it's like he's controlling my fucking mind and pulling the strings because there was no way I was going to leave him to do this by himself, not when he didn't have anyone.

I was sure that I was the only person in his life that cared about him and I did care, he was shy, nerdy and a pain in my ass when his mood shifted constantly but he was also fucking adorable and made my days less stressful.

"Let me help you."

I didn't let him say anything more as I grabbed my keys and opened the car door.

"It should go faster with one more person, then I drop you off at Chris' if you want that is, since he leaves tomorrow, you can get the keys tonight and then crash at mine."

"W-What?" he stammered, his eyes widened as he stood there on the sidewalk, as I walked over to him, shrugging.

"We've already had sex Theo, don't tell me you're getting shy on me again," I tease, watching his face turn red as I walked past him, down the walk to his front door.

Looking around, it was a nice neighbourhood, the streets were clean and every house was well looked after, it was quiet considering it was a popular family area to live in.

Theo's head would roll if he ever saw where I grew up, a house that wasn't a house but a shithole made from nothing, I'd be honestly surprised if it was still there, as when I lived in it, it was put in to be demolished.

I watched Theo fumble with the keys before opening his front door, I followed in behind him as he turned the light on, and he was right, there was nothing inside, it was completely empty of furniture or anything else that would make a home homier.

"My room's upstairs…" he said, before walking up the stairs, as I followed behind him.

What was I even doing right now?

I was now inside this guy's house, after telling myself I wasn't going to get more mixed up in his life that would alter our currently relationship but look at me, not being able to fucking help myself.

He opened a door and then turned on the light and just from the figures,and the books alone, I knew this was Theo's bedroom because it screamed 'nerd'.

My eyes went everywhere, I wanted to know more about him and now I was in his bedroom, where everything was telling me more about this guy, like his t-shirts for example.

His wardrobe was open and every t-shirt had either a picture of a game character on it or a comic book character, it was amusing in a way, I used to look at guys like Theo in the past and feel sorry for them because to me, they looked pathetic, sitting or reading by themselves.

Now... now I'm mature enough to see that it's just another world to hide in, whether it be a sport or a game, Theo is happy in his world and inside his world nothing can hurt him.

I knew all about that.

"There should be boxes in the garage, I can go get..."

"I'll get them," I interrupted him, noticing the key in his hand. "Give me the key and sit down, you shouldn't stand on your leg for too long anyways, doctor's orders."

Theo blushed and handed me the key and like a good boy, he sat down on his bed and looked at me and for some fucked up reason, all I wanted to do was to make everything better for him and most importantly, I wanted to kiss him.

"I'll be right back," I said, before leaving his room and heading back down the stairs.

I'm a fucking coward but I knew... if it's like this then I wouldn't be getting his hopes up, after-all, Theo knew nothing about me other than what he heard about me online.

He didn't know anything about me and I wanted to keep it that way because if he knew the me that I had buried, then whatever he felt for me would surely make him want to get as far away from me as possible.

He liked me, admired me even, if he knew more, would he look at me the same way again?

It shouldn't even bother me.

I wasn't in a place to be in a relationship but I also didn't want to end whatever this was between us, I knew I was being selfish and probably leading him on but this was all new to me but something told me that Theo, he could be worth it.

In the meantime, I'm going to take it one day at a time, even if Theo hated it, it's all I could give him right now.

[watermelinoe]

the only reason why there is less gender inequality in majority-white countries is because men in these countries have been made to fear consequences for a certain degree of misogyny. that's all. they look at countries where the culture emboldens woman-hating men and wish they could do the same. sometimes they travel to those countries so they can. there is no race of men that is inherently more misogynistic.

[hislittleflower-throughconcrete]

You seem like a good person at heart who takes pride in bringing comfort to others, but your stance on abortion makes me feel ill. Why would you delight in what, in many cases, is a livesaving procedure for women and mothers, being criminalized? Your faith is your own and the morality that comes with it is your own. I don't think it's right that you ascribe your values to the bodies of other women. Many of us do not believe in life begining at conception, or the concept of a soul, or that a fetus is a conscious being. This is something that cannot be proven, either, so it truly is an argument of faith in my opinion. These can be reprehensible viewpoints to you, sure, and I wouldn't hold it against you if you PERSONALLY would never seek an abortion. Your faith should not rejoice in snuffing out the voice of an entire group of people. Why do you delight in that?

Firstly, I appreciate the sincerity of this ask. I can tell you're not a troll, you truly believe what you say, and are earnestly trying to understand. Thank you for sending this to me.

Abortion never saves a life. There is no health condition that abortion cures or treats - ectopic pregnancies, preeclampsia, and other complications of pregnancy have treatment and procedures that are designed to address that issue without interacting with the baby, except in some cases to deliver it. Abortion is the intentional ending of the life of an unborn child - it does not save the life of any woman who has it.

Not only does abortion never save a life, it always damages them, and always kills their child. It's like saying a single mother's financial struggle was "solved" when her child got killed by getting hit by a car. Imagine thinking that was a viable solution instead of an atomic bomb to a woman's life. I pray you never have to deal with the aftermath. I have witnessed a young woman sob after trying to hang herself after her abortion. Count yourself as fortunate to not know what it's like, and start taking seriously the stories of women who have had them.

Life beginning at conception is not a religious concept, it is a statement of scientific fact. I am not pro-life on religious grounds. And it depends on what stage of fetal development you're referring to in terms of "consciousness," but no pro-life person is pro-life because a fetus is "conscious." We are pro life because we are against violence against women and children. Abortion is both.

I am very intrigued by your last sentence. My faith - which is different than my being pro-life - "snuffing out" voices of others. Roe being overturned silences no one, and it does not make abortion illegal. Roe being overturned allows states to legislate abortion access, and that brings me great joy. Because the more abortion is restricted, the less abortions will happen, the less women will be hurt, the less children will die, and the more legislatures will be forced to provide actual resources to women in crisis (financial support, community, mental health, addiction, child care) instead of offering to "run over their child with a car" - and charge her money for it.

I'll end by saying that any tone of mine in answering this that may seem argumentative or harsh is not meant towards you, but towards abortion itself. It always makes me upset to know that an otherwise caring and empathetic person believes that abortion is good in any way. I truly think you are a person who has compassion. My advice to you is to continue to ask questions of people you disagree with, engage them in dialogue with open ears and heart. It's the only way to heal our divided country right now. Thank you for your openness in hearing what I have to say, and I wish you all the best.

[the-witty-pen-name]

Tell Me Your Mine, Darling

Western AU 

18+ ONLY

Lee Bodecker x F!Reader

Warnings: prostitution, mentions of smut, alcohol, cursing, violence, mentions cheating 

Word Count: 3.2k

A/N: Hey! As always, this is unedited! Please let me know if I missed anything to include as a warning. I’m on the fence if I should make this a longer story, I like the idea of this being a stand alone, but let me know what you think! I’d love to hear any feedback cause this is my first attempt at a Western AU :)

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The player piano echoed throughout the whole saloon, bouncing off the walls as patrons moved about the crowded room. The peppy music was perfect for dancing as a few of the men threw back shots of liquid courage and asked some of the women working tonight for a dance. It was a night where the people who came in through the batwing doors could forget about their troubles and the existence of sins, and partake in merry drink and debauchery. The night air hung heavy and the room smelled of sweat, cheap liquor and even cheaper perfume. 

The women were scantily clad in dresses only slightly less revealing than their undergarments, and the men still in their clothes from long days of travel. Cowboy hats, rugged trousers, and boots that lost their shine years ago. Girls carried around large trays of shots and lagers, passing them around to the drunk souls who struck rich for a night and opened tabs at the bar. 

It was a busy night both downstairs in the saloon, but also many of the girls were leading men upstairs to their beds, for a warm place to lay their head and anything else they can afford. That was the secret that kept this dilapidated building up and running. The music and the watered down liquor wasn’t enough to keep the sheriff from closing and condemning the building. 

If the owner was honest, he knew what kept the sheriff from coming and toting him away to rot in one of the two cells down at the jail. Not only was the sheriff partial to a drink or a few each night after the sun goes down, but he was particularly taken with one of the girls who worked there. Sure, the sheriff must’ve had his turn with every girl in the joint, but there was something about you which made the sheriff absolutely smitten. Of course, no one dared admit to seeing his obviously growing affections but the owner knew as long as you were here, and his glass was refilled, he had nothing to worry about. No one quite knows what happened. He went from coming in every Saturday night asking for whichever girl is free and then it went to asking only for you, every week without fail. 

People theorize that maybe it’s your honeyed smile or the sweetness in your voice. The ability to deceive every man into thinking they’re the only one to ever touch you. The ability to put on the act of the farmer’s daughter while having the dirtiest mouth on this side of the Mississippi. No matter what drew him in, the sheriff had declared you his girl and anyone with half a brain knew better than to try to say different. 

Nothing was any different about tonight, you watched from one of the stools at the bar while the other girls worked the room. Sitting with your legs crossed, your dress skirted up high enough to show the tops of your garters, you sip on your drink stealing glances at the doors waiting for him to arrive. You can’t help but let out an impatient sigh, balancing your high heel on your toe as you watch the clock that’s mounted on the wall behind the bar. 

“Slow night?” the bartender asked as she topped off your drink. You smiled, but it fell a little flat, not meeting your eyes. 

“Every man here is scared to come near me,” you chuckle dryly. Not that you were necessarily complaining- but you worried more and more as the savings you kept under your bed dwindled. The sheriff was a regular who paid incredibly well, but he was feared. And no one else would touch what he called his. You wanted to save up to get out of this town, salvage whatever was left of this life and do something. You didn’t want to live cooped up in that room and in this town for the rest of your days. You were luckier than most, that you understood and never tried to forget that, but still you found yourself daydreaming. 

You thought about the men you’ve slept beside and the wild stories they told you. You didn’t want to live a hard life, the tedious and unfulfilling work they told you about. But, oh, you were so envious of how they traveled. Seeing the naked lands of the country and going to different towns. You weren’t even sure what you wanted to do, but you wanted to have the option. So in a little cigar box under your bed. You scrimped and saved what you could from each week. But, being the sheriff’s favorite girl, meant no one else dared touch you, meaning you have been having to open that little box of savings more and more. 

“That ain’t the worst thing in the world,” you heard a voice next to you. Soft, and velvety- you’d recognize the voice anywhere as Dottie, one of the older women who had been working there much longer than you. Middle-aged, but completely sensual in her mannerisms and her voice. She had the ability to captivate an entire room with her prominent curves and everything you know, you learned from her. 

“I know, I know,” you try to explain, but she feels your frustration. She understands it, and she knows it better than you do. She’d been there herself. The restlessness, the feeling of being incomplete, the utter fear of your life being wasted away under men whom you’re never going to fall in love with. She knows.

But she also knows the harsh realities of this world and how it treats lost souls like you, and she doesn’t want to see how it can hurt you like it hurt her. She understood how demeaning this line of work is, and how from here there is no way to move up in the world. It’s a limbo, where you're stuck in this saloon, listening to the complaints of men who despite their hardships will always have it better than you. However, the alternatives for women like you are far less desirable outcomes for your lives. 

“Appreciate the gift you’re being given, sweetness,” she chuckles, watching as the bartender makes her usual. “As long as that sheriff keeps coming around, you’re working less for the same room and board the rest of us pay.” 

You know she’s right. You know there’s so many things wrong about this town you can’t change. You can’t afford to worry about things like that, while so many of the people in this little one room saloon are just trying to survive tomorrow. It’s never going to be an ideal, and the world is much too cruel for miracles to happen for a woman like you who sold their soul. 

Jesus befriended Mary Magdalene, so it never made much sense to you when folks in this town claimed you were damned to spend your own eternity in hell. You weren’t sure if the people in this town actually read the Bible. Granted, you didn’t know much about religion yourself. But long ago you learned religion was a luxury only the wealthy people in this town could afford to follow, and they were the ones who could afford to participate in the sins you peddled. But, that was just one woman’s observation. 

Dottie disappeared back into the crowd as quickly as she arrived, and soon you were back to watching the doors again, waiting for the sheriff to relieve you of your ever growing boredom. The place was in full swing as a posse of men you don’t recognize entered, talking about how they were on their way to the coast, to mine for gold and become millionaires. You can’t help but roll your eyes, and you keep to yourself as they whoop and holler, making demands of the barkeep to send out a round for the whole place on their dime. Their rowdiness makes you flinch, and for the first time tonight, you find yourself anxiously waiting for the appearance of the sheriff so you don’t have to entertain the likes of them. Maybe God does like you, because before one of the men staring at you has an opportunity to saunter over, the saloon doors open suddenly and you can be saved. 

You know you shouldn’t find it thrilling, but there is something about being his favorite that fuels your ego on nights like this. The most commanding man in the town, calling you his- making you have this untouchable status for the night. It was the closest you think you can ever be to royalty. In that bar, on the nights he regulars, you’re a Queen. It’s a rush that's definitely spoiled you and yes, in the moment, you absolutely revel in the power you feel as he changes the atmosphere in the room- with his hardened blue eyes locked right on you. 

“Evening, sheriff,” you coo and shoot him a smile, genuinely happy to see him. 

“How many times do I have to ask you to call me Lee, darling?” He smirks, placing his hands on your knee so you uncross your legs and he can stand between them. The feeling of his hands on the exposed skin of your upper thighs sent a tingle right up your spine. His thumbs slowly rubbed circles on your skin, making you shiver. 

You rest your hands on his chest, rubbing gently, your hands shamelessly feeling the strength of his chest under his shirt. You straighten out the gold sheriff’s badge on his chest, and you can feel him tremble slightly at your touch, which strokes your ego more than it already was. 

“I forget,” you tease, straightening out his tie. He smirks, looking down at you as his hands trail up higher, resting on your hips under the skirt of your dress. “I need you to keep coming back and remind me,” you flirt shamelessly. 

“Your usual, sheriff?” the bartender asks over the loud music, people settling back into their own business after the excitement of the sheriff arriving has died down. Lee replies with a quick thank you but doesn’t take his eyes off of you. 

“Did you miss me, darling?” he quips, rubbing your sides, his thumbs trailing across the waistband of your undergarments. 

“I always do,” you wink, leaning up and pressing a quick kiss to the side of his jaw. “It’s so slow when you aren’t here,” you practically whine, pouting your lips slightly. 

“I’m sorry about that, sugar,” he mumbles, leaning in and trailing kisses down your neck. 

“It’s your fault you know,” you tease, your nails scratching his scalp affectionately. 

“Is it now?” he chuckles, as he nips at your skin. 

“No one else comes near me,” you admit, and you feel him smile against your skin. 

“Good,” he murmurs against your collarbone. 

“Ice is melting,” you chuckle, referring to the drink he’s ignoring on the counter. He just chuckles, pulling away only long enough to finish the drink in one long sip, and you watch as his Adam’s apple moves, and how the condensation of the glass drips onto his knuckles. 

After he places the empty glass on the counter, you pull his arm to lead him upstairs with you. He takes your hand and let’s you lead the way, he knows like the back of his hand, and at this point better than his own house.

“Impatient, darling?” he teases, “Not going to ask me for a dance?”

“You never say yes,” you giggle, “Figured you want to have some privacy.”

“I might’ve said yes,” he retorts and you can’t help but roll your eyes. 

“Would you have?” you counter and he shakes his head no with a devilish grin. 

“One of these days, doll.” 

“I’ll be an old maid,” you joke, continuing up the stairs and down the hallway towards your room. 

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” he says. You don’t know exactly what he means, but you don’t push him for an explanation. As soon as the door clicks closed behind you both, Lee’s lips attach to yours like if he waits a second longer he’d evaporate. 

“Been dreaming about this,” he mumbles against your neck, leaving a trail of love bites that send a shiver up your spine. “Think about you every night I can’t visit you.”

You noticed how much more intimate your interactions with the Sheriff were gradually becoming. You weren’t sure how much of it he meant. The way he fawned over you and treated you like something more. Plenty of times, men behaved this way, never admitting except behind closed doors that that craved a much deeper sense of intimacy. You had always assumed the Sheriff was no different.

He’d take care of you, and you saw over time the way he handled you changed. It used to be rough and impersonal, oftentimes as well relying on you to do all the work so to speak. But, overtime, his visits became more of a mutual endeavor, and soon he was kissing you like how he is now, or begging to let him settle his head between your parted thighs, saying he felt good making you feel good. 

“I’m addicted to the feeling of your skin, darling,” he whispers as he lets his fingers linger as he pulls the straps of the dress down your arms. When the dress pools at your feet, he stares in awe like it’s the first time seeing you, and then soon enough his lips are on yours again and his hands are free to wander where they please. 

“Most stunning thing I’ve ever seen,” he whispers as you work on taking off his shirt, teasingly slow at undoing the buttons. 

“You say that everytime,” you point out and he chuckles, running his hands up and down your sides. 

“Cause I mean it everytime,” he smirks, walking you back until the back of your knees hit the back of your bed and you lay down with him on top of you. 

One time a month or so back, you were sitting on top of the bar counter with him settled between your legs. You were using a rag to wipe blood off of his face after a messy fight that happened. Well, a fight that he started. 

“I didn’t like him looking at you like that,” he grumbled, still fuming and he winces slightly as you press the damp cloth to the cut by his brow. “Shouldn’t be touching you like that,” he slurs, and you can smell the whiskey on his breath. 

“Just means I’m doing my job right,” you chuckle, amused at his possessiveness. “It don’t mean nothing,” you say.

“It don’t mean nothing when it’s me either,” he pouts, with his eyes closed like he could fall asleep standing up. You are convinced he’s just drunk and doesn’t know what he’s saying. He leans on you slightly to keep himself upright, and you move to wipe the blood that is smeared by the corner of his lips. 

He’s so handsome, you can’t help but observe. From a distance, sure he’s gruff and rough around the edges but he’s got the most handsome face you think you’ve ever seen pass through. You’ll never admit to yourself that you were taking your time patching him up so you could just look at him like this for a little longer. It’s always nice sometimes to pretend a situation is something that it’s not. 

“Tell me your mine, darling,” he almost whispers when his eyes flutter open again to look at you. His gaze on you felt heavy and you weren’t sure what to make of it. 

“I’m all yours, Sheriff,” you can’t help but chuckle, thinking he’s just fooling. Just trying to tease you. He frowns and looks so  sad, those damn blue eyes more expressive when he’s drunk. 

“Tell me your mine,” he asks again, like a whispered plea as his eyes roam over your face. 

“I’m yours.”

By the morning, he’s always gone. He always leaves more than necessary, insisting to you the night before not to tell the owner. He doesn’t want him taking a bigger percentage. He whispers not to worry, and to let him take care of you. He knows how much he affects your wages and he wants to do the right thing. 

Lee doesn’t like to pay you. It’s a horrible reminder to him that you don’t actually care one way or another if he shows up or not. It’s the terrible wake up call come morning that you aren’t actually his, as much as he asks you to say it. 

You’d just have to say the word and he’d do just about anything to make you love him back for real. But he knows that this can’t ever go further. You deserve to go off and see the places he hears you tell the other girls about. You don’t think he knows about you wanting to leave but of course he does. 

The pictures of far away cities are hung on your mirror held up between the frame and the glass. There’s a picture of New York that sometimes he’ll stay up staring at, knowing your heart ain’t tied down yet to one place like his is tied here. He can’t leave and he knows he can’t in good conscience ask you to stay. He knows you would, but not for the reasons he wants. 

Good god, you’re still young and have a spark in you that he damn well knows he doesn’t want to be the one to put out. He wants nothing more than for you to look at him and see you could be happy and be in love. But what life is that compared to the life you’re dreaming of. You have hopes, dreams, and Lee knows he isn’t at the center of any of them. 

So for now, he settles for the time you share with him when he comes by like tonight. Where he hopes he can silently tell you with his touches how much he feels for you. Where he can carefully tread the waters of sweet sentiments in hopes you’ll return them without him asking. It’s not real, none of it is. 

He can hold you close and touch every part of your body like it’s only his to see and feel. He can hear every noise you make and watch every reaction to his touches and it fuels him for now. It’s enough for now to leave bruises on your skin and pretend it’s enough to keep others from knowing you’re his. It’s not, because the marks won’t matter. 

He can feel himself inside you, and feel how your body reacts to him. The way to him, nothing will ever come close to the feeling of you around him. He’s addicted and he can’t go back. He’s been ruined by you, and no one else will ever come close to adding up to you. 

But it’s not real. He’ll go home in the morning, and lie to his wife one more time, swearing that it’s the last time he goes back. He’ll tell her he worked late and slept in the Sheriff’s office. He’ll make the promise that he’ll be home on the weekend. But it’s not real. Because, he knows that he’s going to find himself going back to you. And he prays to God you won’t be there.

Taglist:

@missyellowbirdie @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog @weenersoldierr @msgodofmischief @lowercasegenius @demirunner​

[peakyblindersxx]

whiskey business - john shelby x reader (part 8 of ?)

gif by @thesoldiersminute can i send you a cake or something cause fuCk!!!!!!!!!!! he's beautiful

a/n: to everyone still reading this fic, my sweet angels, ily!! this fic is so near and dear to my heart and @stxdyblr-2k has just done such an amazing job with it i can't even thank her enough. as per the last part, this one is also mostly her, just me editing but i hope you guys love it as much as i did!!! don't worry, there's gonna be a lot more :) and i apologize for being not as active, i'm gonna try to get a couple of requests up that i'm really excited about this week tysm for being patient with me <3

love, abi xxx

read part one two three four five six seven | my masterlist

prompt: ada has some talking to do, and you're not about to deny her.

warnings: fluff, semi-angst, tommy being the cocky mf he is (let's be real, it's only acceptable cause he's so damn fine), john being cute and in love and jesus i am head over heels

tagging: @datewithgianni, @mayaslifeinabox, @deepdonutkid, @springsoulofengland, @lilymurphy03, @operation-spot

You had planned to go to Ada's after work, but she obviously had other ideas. She didn't even bother walking in and asking to speak to you; instead, choosing to bang on the window closest to your desk and yelling at you to "fucking hurry up!" Your boss opened the door for you expectantly, not offering you any protection; he was firmly in the Shelby's ever growing pocket and as long as he could go home to his children, his sickly wife and their six bed in the country, with a full time nurse and nanny, he had no interest in crossing Thomas.

"Ada, I was coming to see you after work, I swear."

"I know. I was going to let you but..." She trailed off. "We need to talk. I don't know what the fuck is going on with you. John said he'd seen you last night and you asked after me."

John had indeed seen you last night. It was strange waking up with him, used to leaving almost immediately after he was finished with you. Your small bed could barely comfortably fit you both, having to intertwine your limbs with John's to not fall off the edge. You had awoken to John pressing a kiss to your forehead before lazily trailing his fingers between your legs, waiting for you to open your eyes before settling between your thighs, tongue swirling around your clit, making you cum before sunrise.

"Do we have to do this in the street?" You practically begged, the shouting having attracted onlookers.

"I wanted to talk to you before anyone else in the family gets to you because I need you to be honest."

"Ada-"

"No, I'm doing you a favour here, so you fucking listen. Right now, between you and I, no bullshit. No tactics. No white lies. You have to tell me exactly what we're dealing with." She looked frantic, scared for some reason.

You nodded, walking her down the side street, careful not to link arms with her. You knew she was doing you a favour; this wasn't about forgiveness or friendship, much more was at stake here.

"To what extent was Thomas involved?"

That took you off guard. Ada read the confusion on your face and sighed impatiently, her subtle plea for you to keep up.

Shit. You remembered your conversation with John, how she thought this was her brother's way of pushing her out of the company.

"Don't spare my feelings. What did my brother say to you?"

"He said it was in our mutual interest that you didn't find out. He didn't care who John slept with but cared who you trusted so I had to trust him. He said there was no point in upsetting you over one of John's conquests who he'd tire of in a month."

"That all?"

"Pretty much, I didn't know Arthur knew. He never talked to me about it, did laugh at Thomas' digs now that I think on it-"

"Did you know Isaiah and Michael knew?"

"I thought they were aware but no one ever talked to me about it."

"Of course they wouldn't." She hissed, frustration causing a nerve on her neck to jump.

Ada and you had spoken for years about the rampant misogyny of her brothers and any men you two came into contact with. Although you were both far more reserved than you used to be as rebellious and adventurous thirteen year olds, you'd both grew increasingly angry at how you were treated. She'd long written off her brothers as womanisers, who saw women as purely sexual and entertaining, objectifying them. You both long despised how they dehumanised women. She was amazed that Thomas had attempted to settle down and managed a somewhat loving marriage, but resented him for his carelessness and need for power which inevitably killed his wife.

"Ada, I just want to say..." You licked your lip nervously, unsure of how to continue.

"You need to talk, Y/N. No bollocks."

"Before last night, he'd never been to mine or called. I always went to him."

The muscle in her jaw tensed.

"You slept with him last night then?" You met her question with silence and she rolled her eyes. "The second he said he saw you I knew you had, he wanted to tell me that he was going to continue seeing you and that he hoped I'd be able to accept it one day."

"We never intended to hurt you. It was meant to be fun at first, but now..." You cut yourself off with a sigh, unable to admit you'd fallen for her brother.

"Isn't fun for me. It's fucking embarrassing." She paused, lighting a cigarette, nervous to offer you one, conflicted within herself. She raised her eyebrow, prompting you to continue, the mannerism so similar to her brother’s.

"It should never have happened. I am never going to be able to fix this, I'm so fucking ashamed for doing this to you, Ada."

She sulked, silently drinking in your words.

"Obviously it's not going to be the same, yeah? I'm really fucking upset. I'm so fucked off with you but Poll's really worried about a coup. She thinks you're being used as blackmail against John to keep him on side with Tommy while he expands."

"Makes sense."

"You're part of a much bigger game, you know?"

You nodded. "Yeah, and I knew I would lose from the start. Fucking tragic, Ada."

"My brothers keep pushing, keep growing the business. They keep chasing this prize but I don't think it even exists."

"If it does, it isn't worth it if this shit is the cost. I didn't mean to play into his hands."

"You couldn't have known." She said with a shrug, " 'Siah thinks John loves you."

"He told me last night." Several times, this morning also. You would never tire of hearing him moan those words into your neck or being yelled from your front door as he left for the office.

"You love him, don't you?" She said bluntly, a statement more than a question, your face suddenly hot with embarrassment.

Everything you'd suppressed for months, everything that you'd hidden, every time you lied smiling, every knowing glance from a stranger, every degrading comment from under Thomas' breath.

"I do, an awful lot."

She pauses, relighting her cigarette, "The worst thing about the entire situation is it could've been fine if someone told me. I wouldn't have loved it, obviously, but-" Ada sighed, rubbing her temple with her free fingers.

"I thought you'd hate me."

"How could I? I'd be more angry that you'd drop your standards for my brother. Seriously? Him? Mate…."

"Come off it, I've always thought he was charming. He's funny, smart-"

"Don't gush over my brother, it's grim. I'm just so fucked off you all lied to me." She peered at you through her cigarette smoke. "If you love him and he loves you..." she pressed her lips together as she tensed her jaw, "I could get over it. If it'd make you both happy. But that's going to take a long time. A long time."

"Ada-"

"Look I have meetings and shit to sort, I have to run." She interjected, checking her wristwatch, adjusting the cap which sat atop her trendy short haircut. You caught her arm before she could turn away.

"Thank you. For understanding."

She shrugged you off, "I don't get it, I'd never do that to you. But you also don't get to choose who you're attracted to. I'm really hurt, but I do love you and John a lot. He mentioned that after last night you helped him, got him cleaned up. I have to believe that you both do love each other. So I have to believe that this is a good idea for you both and not stand in your way."

"I love you, Ada. Can we hang out soon, just us two?"

She shook her head. "I need some time, I'll be in touch, yeah?"

You nod, stretching out your pinky finger. She sighed and linked it with hers, as you'd done since you were children, a silent signal to each other after a fight that you still had the other's back.

"Right, I've got to get back to this meeting, Tom is getting done by Polly for nearly getting John killed. I need to be there in case one of the lads needs patching up."

"Your aunt has a nasty left hook, I'll give her that."

"She'll be pleased you think so, she wanted Tommy to slice you to bits for crossing me."

"Fuck’s sake, thanks for the warning, I'll keep my head down. Good luck with the meeting."

Ada nodded and you watched her walk away, a Blinder suddenly appearing by her side seemingly from nowhere. This city was crawling with them. They clambered into Ada's car as you watched the car disappear into the distance before walking back to work. Thankfully, with your head still attached to your shoulders.

*******

Ada arrived at Thomas' estate, following the swell of shouting voices to his exquisite library. It was eye roll worthy and typical Tommy to choose the location of his post-fuckup debrief to be where he had the best view of the gardens, river and rolling hills. She could bet he'd sit in a corner and stare at the view, zoning out their aunt's lecture.

An armed blinder she vaguely recognised opened the door. Thomas was making a statement today with the armed guards, she noted. Her brothers really were fucked up. Arthur was an alcoholic killer who couldn't understand that Thomas would betray them all eventually, Finn was letting the tokyo and the razor chasers that circled him distract him from keeping the family together, John was apparently in love with her best friend, and finally, Thomas nearly got Arthur and John murdered last night with his foolishness. At this point only herself and Polly were holding everyone together, keeping everything silently moving along.

The door opened, and she was the last to arrive, Polly glaring as she murmured an apology, standing next to Finn. His eyes were bloodshot, grey-purple smudges under his eyes, he'd obviously had a heavy night. The last thing the poor lad needed was Polly's shrill yelling and the blinding sun streaming through the large immaculately crafted windows, which he'd tried to block with the brim of his cap. John caught her eye, acknowledging his sister with a nod, which she returned with a small tight smile.

Ada couldn't bear to think about the reasoning behind her brother's smug interjections in between Polly's rant to Thomas who was listening wordlessly, smoking.

Y/N and John? It didn't make sense. They had a similar sense of humour, sure, but she was far too intelligent for him. He also had a swarm of children, while Y/N preferred a wild night out only staggering home at daybreak.

It made far more sense for Y/N to end up with Michael, or if it had to be a brother, Finn. They were younger, so had less responsibilities and commitments so they could keep up with her. But John? Of course she knew he was believed to be the Casanova of her brothers, he was kind, he was an excellent father, yet he could never keep anyone around long, usually John was chasing someone new after a month or so. That's why the revelation that John had been involved with her best friend for almost half a year had taken her completely by surprise. Maybe that was why she was open to them being together. That had to be it. This relationship was completely out of character for John; she needed to believe that he was serious about his feelings towards Y/N and wasn't going to fuck her over. Because if he did, John would be a dead man.

"I don't know why you're all bleating at me. Yeah, I overlooked some details in the planning of last night's meeting-"

"Such as warning us that they were really fucked off because you'd helped bomb their warehouse." John pointed out.

"What do you want me to do? Apologise? Grow up, John." Tommy snapped back.

"They had loaded guns against their heads, they deserve an apology." Ada interjected, John giving her an appreciative flash of smile. She did love her big brother. Despite the fact that she'd pretty much only been yelling at him for the past month, John never dismissed her feelings and only apologised. It was confusing to admit to herself, but when Isaiah told her that he was confident John loved Y/N, she felt a wave of relief. At least he cared about her; it was the bare minimum but the Shelbys were notorious for not even meeting the bare minimum for acceptable social interactions.

"They didn't fuckin’ get shot." Thomas stated, his voice matter of fact and condescending.

"Do you ever hear yourself speak?" Polly spit back at him. "They didn't get shot this time. But it was too fucking close."

"It won't happen again, Polly." Tommy sighed. "What else can I say? Sorry lads, take the weekend off?"

"It's a good start." Arthur countered, "You're also paying for the extension on my house and my wedding."

"Fuck’s sake Arthur I was joking. But fine. Sure."

"You can't buy your family off." Polly scoffed at him.

"Think of it as compensation, a settlement." Thomas coolly corrected his aunt. "What do you want, John? A fucking farm?"

John hesitates while Finn whispered suggestions to him, Ada meeting his stare, John raising a brow to her in question. She sighed and nodded her approval.

"You can pay off my mortgage Tom, give me the kids' birthdays off-"

"So you'd never come into work then?" Finn cut in, Ada elbowing him in the ribs. She usually enjoyed Finn's remarks but she knew where John was heading; she could barely breathe.

"Tom, you're also to leave Y/N completely alone. If you have a problem with her, you come to me about it." He said firmly.

Arthur and Tommy traded knowing looks, obviously more aware of the ins and outs of his relationship than Ada was.

"Also if you're paying for Arthur's wedding I want the equivalent in cash." He adds.

Tommy shrugged. "Whatever. As long as we can move past last night and focus on today's order of business."

John nodded, satisfied. He knew Tom wouldn't care, but just saying out loud that he was involved with Y/N and having his family aware was a relief. He hadn't realised until he finally admitted how stressful keeping his relationship a secret was. Now, he could stop worrying about Tommy interfering.

Polly rolled her eyes, lecturing the brothers on their lack of moral backbone to allow themselves to be bought off, but dismissed them. She caught Ada's arm in hers on their way out, pulling her far from earshot.

"So Y/N and John are together now?" She asked, her face firm and scowling.

"Polls, I talked with her, she's aware of what she's done. She apologised and meant it. What more can I ask for?"

"Her not to have fucked him in the first place."

"She said that. Look, Polls, they're happy right? John seems happy-"

"He always is when he gets a leg over."

"You know she looked after him last night? Fixed him up after the meeting."

"Meeting? It was a fucking set up." Polly hissed but her face had softened. "She cleaned him up?"

"Antiseptic, bandages and all."

Polly looked subtly impressed, although she'd never admit it. "He went to hers? Not yours?"

"He wanted to talk to her." Ada shrugs, "I saw her this morning and-"

"What do you mean? You bumped into her?"

"I went to her work." Ada admitted, her aunt shooting her an exasperated glare.

"Why do I bother? Nobody listens to me."

"I had to talk to her, I'm glad I did. She reckons she loves him, he told her last night that he loves her, so..."

"We are talking about John? Our John?"

"I know Polls, I'm as amazed as you."

Her aunt huffed, unimpressed. "Are you okay with it though?"

"I guess, I just want them to be happy. I've told them to give me time with it."

"She was a good friend growing up, but people change, sometimes for the better, often for the worse."

"Poll, it's Y/N; she's my best friend. At the end of the day, we'd do anything for each other."

"Sweet Ada, you're going to be so miserable if you keep letting people walk all over you." Polly said wisely, kissing her goodbye affectionately. "I hope you're right. If she makes you cry again I'll kill her myself."

"Thanks, Polls."

She knew her aunt wasn't joking.

[crashdevlin]

Another Second Chance 17- Everything Changes

Another Second Chance Masterlist, Happily Ever Eventually Masterlist

Author’s Note: The final (hopefully) installment of the Happily Ever Eventually RPF series.

Summary: Y/n and Danneel talk which forces Y/n to share a bit of truth with Nova.

Pairing: Jensen x Reader

Word count: 2934

Story Warnings: past cheating, Nova is not nice to Danneel, Nova is a very protective daughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Danneel looks a little shocked. Not like she’s shocked to see me, but maybe that she’s shocked that I didn’t run away and hide. She shakes herself out of it and smiles back at me. “Hey, sweetie. I guess we had to run into each other eventually, didn’t we?”

I nod and look back toward the dressing rooms. “Yeah. Austin’s big, but not that big.” I feel a bit uncomfortable as I gesture at the dresses. “I’m getting Nova some nice stuff for the Out Youth Gala.”

“Oh, yeah.” She nods and fiddles with her purse strap. Seems she’s just as uncomfortable. “Jensen mentioned he was taking her. I told him I’d stay home for this one.”

"You don't have to sit it out. You could still-"

"It'd be pretty tense. Jensen and I haven't been able to be around each other for more than a few minutes at a time in...well, in years.” Well, that’s a confirmation of Jensen’s words that I never thought I’d get. “Besides...a young bi girl, she deserves to rub elbows with those people. I’ve already met most of them.”

“Thanks for...giving it up this year.” I want to rub the back of my neck. I want to hug myself. I want to tug on my hair a bit. I’m tense and I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t, though. I keep my smile and I stay polite. I learned this a long time ago.

“Of course, sweetie.” God, that makes me cringe.

“Can you…” How do I say this without sounding rude? “Not call me that?”

She nods, understanding immediately. “Sorry. Default. I…” She runs her fingers through her hair and lets out a soft scoff. “I’m not really good at this. I should have just walked back out when I saw you.”

“No, no, that’s…” I sigh. “This is awkward. For both of us. Last time we talked, I was so angry and sad and-”

“And now you’ve got Jensen back and everything is coming up for you.”

That hits a little bitter.

“Danneel...I…” I scoff and shake my head, crossing my arms over my chest.  “The fact that I’m with Jensen again has nothing to do with the upward mobility of my existence...and, you know, I’m sorry that you and Jay didn’t work out, but I stepped out after you got caught together. You had five years to get him back and make things work.”

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that." She shakes her head. "No, well, I guess a little. I just always thought one day he'd stop pining over you and come home." Guess she's still in love. Jensen just isn't a man who's easy to get over, is he? "Guess that was wishful thinking."

"I tried, Dee. I told him...I told you. I stepped back at every opportunity so that I wouldn't ever be in the way of your love."

"I know. From the very beginning, you tried to stay out of the way but we didn't really want that."

I roll my eyes. "You both wanted to have your cake and eat it but that's not how the world works." Not my world, anyway. "That Happy Family Fantasy? I talked myself into that. I tried to be what would have made you and Jensen happiest, but I couldn't do it. Trying hurt me. That single night that ruined everything…and when I realized that it wouldn't ever work with me and him and you, I stepped away, just like I stepped away when I realized my involvement with him was harming your marriage. I did everything I could to make sure you didn't lose him and-"

"What do you think of this one, Mum?" Nova's voice stops me and I turn toward the dressing room. She looks gorgeous...and angry. "What's she doing here?"

"It's a free country, Nova. She can shop where she likes." I clear my throat, try to get the bitterness out of my voice. "Genevieve is the one who introduced me to this shop. I assume that she-"

"I expected Gen to have better taste in friends."

"Not the time for the attitude," I snap at her.

"I don't have an attitude." She crosses her arms over her chest.

"Yes, you do and you need to stop."

"I just don't understand why you're standing there, talking to the woman who ruined your relationship with Jensen last time. You can't just-"

"It's more complicated than all that, sweetie." Don't talk, Danneel. She's already about to go into fight mode.

"It's not," Nova practically growls. "It's not complicated. He was dating my mother and you were caught shoving your tongue down his throat. That's crappy but it's not complicated!"

"Nova. Stop!" Mom Voice better work. I don’t want anything to show up on TMZ about a fight between my daughter and Danneel in the middle of a damn dress shop.

"No!" She did not just stomp her foot and-  "What, you think that just because you let Jensen fuck around with her while you were married to him that she has to be okay with him fucking around with you?"

My eyes go wide as she leans forward, trying to intimidate Dee. My heart starts pounding and I step between them, look up into my daughter's eyes. "Go get your clothes back on. Right fucking now."

"But, Mum!"

"I don't know who you think you are right now, little girl, but I am your mother and you're going to listen. Go. Get. Changed."

She stomps as she heads back to the dressing room. My heart is still going a mile a minute as I turn back to Danneel. "I'm...sorry about her. She...thinks she knows things and she...does know some things and she's protective and…" I scratch at my brow. "She doesn't want to see me break again."

"None of us do, swee-...Y/n. She's not wrong to be upset at me. Jensen's still upset at me about it."

I shake my head. "No, he's not. Did he never explain to you…" He really doesn't talk to her anymore. "It's not that he's mad at you, Danneel. He couldn’t come back because he had to change. He had to stop being the man that would ruin his life over selfish desires. You were...you were a constant reminder of what that old man had done. He couldn’t come back...not on his own, anyway." I don't know why that last thought escapes but it does.

"What do you mean?" she asks.

"Did you try to get him back?" I don't know why I'm asking this. Why do I care? "You asked me five years ago if Jensen wasn't worth fighting for. Did you fight for him? Or did you just sit at home, hoping he'd crawl back to you eventually? Did you fight?"

Because if she fought, if she tried, and he didn’t come back, that means he's really done with her. He really became a different man and he doesn't need or want her. He became a different man who just wants me.

"Are we leaving?" Nova asks as she hooks the hangers on the closest rack and approaches with her arms still crossed over her chest.

"Yeah. Grab the blue dress you tried on, take it to the register." She rolls her eyes and grabs the dress, walking toward the till.

"It was nice talking to you, Danneel." I start walking away to go pay for No's dress, but Danneel's voice stops me.

"I did fight. I tried. He wouldn't hear it." I look at her over my shoulder. "He was too caught up in the liquor and the loss." She tucks her hair behind her ear and gives a sad smile. "I fought for him. I lost him anyway."

I hate to acknowledge the elation I'm feeling, but it's there. He’s really mine. He's really mine and I won’t have to worry about her stealing his heart.

"I'm sorry, Danneel." It's all I can think to say. I know that losing Jensen couldn't have been easy. I walked away and it wasn't easy to lose him.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. I never should have-"

"Things were complicated. They're less complicated now."

She nods. "For you."

Shit, I can't feel guilty about this. "Yes. Things are less complicated for me. I hope things get better for you." I head for the register and I pay for Nova's dress. Danneel is gone from the shop by the time we turn around to leave.

"Mum, I'm sorry, I-" Nova starts as we walk toward the car.

"Shut up."

She scoffs angrily. "That’s so rude!"

"Get in the car," I demand, tossing her dress in the back.

"Mum! I said I was-"

"And I said 'Shut up'." I drop into the driver's seat and wait for her to get in and shut her door. "First off, how fucking dare you say any words out of my mouth are rude with the way you spoke to Danneel in there? How dare you try to lecture your mother on how to speak to you when you obviously don't know how to speak to a woman who you probably don’t remember meeting and who did absolutely nothing to harm you.”

She opens her mouth to argue, but I keep talking. “I am fucking mortified that you would talk to her like that. You don’t know her. You met her once when we brought your little brother home from Vegas and you have no right to talk to her like that. She might not deserve your fucking respect, but I am not raising a disrespectful little brat. You can have your opinions and you can even voice them but you have no right to make her feel like shit about something that she’s been hammered about and called a homewrecker about for five fucking years. You wanna be a feminist, you wanna lift women up? You don’t fucking attack them for a mistake she made in the past. She fucked up and hurt me but you don’t even know the extent of it, because you are my daughter. You are not my manager, my bodyguard, or my fucking knight in armor, Nova. You are my daughter and I love you for trying to protect me, but I had that interaction handled and I didn’t need you flying off the handle at her. You weren’t even that bad with Jensen and he did worse than she did!”

She’s got tears in her eyes...and I feel bad for hurting her feelings, but...I’m right. She went too far.

“And while this is not something I ever thought I’d be talking to you about, you seem to think you know something about something so I’ll tell you that it doesn’t matter that Danneel and Jensen had an open marriage because that wasn’t what muddled everything up at the end and made them so bold as to be fucking around with each other while I was in Vancouver.”

“What? You--did something...happen before that?”

Again, not a conversation I thought I would be having with her...definitely not a conversation I’m going to have with her when she’s in trouble. “Doesn’t matter right now. What matters right now is that you’re fuckin’ grounded until the Gala. No electronics.”

“What?!” she exclaims indignantly.

“Yeah and if you don’t take your punishment gracefully, I’ll extend it past the Gala, too. You’ll get one night and then you’ll be grounded again. You want that?”

“No,” she grumbles. Me either, No. I hate being the bad guy...but I’ve always been better at it than Nate.

"When we get home, I want you to gather up your laptop, game consoles, and the cable box for your TV and put them in the garage. You can read a few books for entertainment."

"Okay." She sounds so dejected but...it’s what I have to do to get the point across.

"Good."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I’ll talk to Dee,” Jensen volunteers. “I’m sure she’s not-”

I shake my head. “I just can’t believe Nova went so vicious...and I think I’m going to have to tell her what happened back then.”

“You don’t have to. She doesn’t have to know.”

“She doesn’t have to know. But...she knows enough to be judgmental and-” What if she judges me afterward? What if she judges me for pressuring myself? What if she decides that I was in the wrong? What if she thinks it wasn’t cheating because we had a three-way, even though they both knew I didn’t want them together without me? “It’s better if I’m honest with her. If she decides to hold the threesome against me, then that’s...well, that’s her prerogative, but I think it’s better for everyone if she knows the truth.”

“You want me there?” he offers and I bite my bottom lip. I’d love to have the support, but…

“No. I think it’d be a better conversation for just me and her. She’s still kinda defensive around you.”

“Okay. Let me know how it goes, okay?”

“Yeah, I will. Tell Dee I’m sorry.”

“I will. I love you, Baby Girl.”

“Love you, too, Jay.”

I hang up the phone and head for the kitchen. I make a cup of coffee and sit at the table to drink it. I start running through ways this conversation can go, pieces of dialogue in a story. The conversations never really go like they do in my head. But I rehearse them anyway.

I finish my coffee and head up the stairs to her room. I knock. She groans and calls me to come in. I walk in and sit on the edge of her bed. She’s slouching in the bean bag chair in the corner, a book in her grasp. “When I got together with Jensen the first time, he was still married. I know you know that.” I look up at her ceiling. “Danneel agreed to an open marriage...but Jensen fucked it up. He fell in love with me. So, I left. I started dating Tom.” She makes a disgusted sound, but I keep talking. “You know this. Whatever post or article you read, you know this, but you don’t know that I started hanging with Danneel after Tom tried to rape me. We got drunk and I kissed her.”

Nova’s eyes go wide. “I was shocked when I did it, too...and I immediately told Jay. I felt so guilty and confused and...as soon as I told him, he decided that I needed to sleep with her.” I lick my lips. “He was a bit selfish back then. Pretty much very selfish back then...and he wanted both of us again. He admitted to it...that he pushed for me and her to sleep together. I couldn’t...but he really wanted it, us together...so Danneel and I came up with an idea...all three of us together.”

“You slept with both of them?” she asked, her voice a bit squeaky and very judgemental.

“Just once. I woke up the morning after and I couldn’t...I couldn’t deal. I felt dirty. I’d pressured myself into doing something just for Jay and Dee and it was bad. It was bad for me. Dr. McCauliffe told me that I should tell them how it made me feel, but I couldn’t. Disappointing them was something I couldn't do. I probably would have convinced myself to do it again eventually...and it would have broken me even further. I would have let it happen because I didn’t care about my mental health. I cared about them."

I'm afraid to look at her. Is she judging me? Is she disgusted?

"They both knew I didn’t want them touching each other. Not without me. But they both knew that I was unlikely to let it happen again...that I was having trouble with the first time and it was going to be an issue to do it again. That's why they...did what they did. They didn't think they'd get caught. They didn't think it would destroy me if they did."

"That’s worse!" she exclaims and I look over at her. She looks livid. "They knew you were falling apart!"

I rub at the back of my neck and nod. "Yeah, but they really wanted-"

"What you wanted didn’t matter? What you deserved? I can't believe them!"

"There’s a reason I had to end it all, why I had to get five years of distance. There's a reason why Jensen had to become a whole new man." I lick my lips and sigh. "They both betrayed me, Nova. They hurt me and it's taken five years to get us all okay and that's why I can't abide the way you talked to Danneel, because she lost everything too. She was selfish and horrible and she lost everything over it. She doesn't need a teenage girl giving her all this attitude over it."

She looks away and scratches at the back of her hand. "She deserved it."

"You don't get to make that determination." I lean forward and take her hand in mine. "I know that my mental break and breakup hurt you, No, but I'm the one they betrayed. I'm the one they broke...and I've decided to forgive."

"But-"

"But nothing. They've changed. I've changed. Things are better. Do you understand?"

She looks down and sighs. "I understand."

I pat her hand and stand. "You're still in trouble. But I love you, Nova."

"I love you, too."

~~~

The Kitchen Sink - @emoryhemsworth @flamencodiva @wasabiwitteks @rainbowkisses31 @rissbennett @mariekoukie6661 @officiallyunofficialperson @dolphincliffs @mrs-meghan-winchester @gayspacenerd @foxyjwls007 @ilovefanfic86 @marvelfansworld @f-yeahfandoms @wonderlandfandomkingdom @hhiggs @sev3nruby @hobby27 @paintballkid711 @divadinag @thewhiterabbit42 @fantasymyth-1 @queenoftheunderdark @cosicas-cuquis @superfanficnatural @letsby @supernatural-bellawinchester @onethirstyunicorn @swinchester27 @chalicia @screechingartisancashbailiff @death-unbecomes-you @dayasvalkyrie @paryl @wereallbrokenangels @the-american-witch @that-one-gay-girl @tatted-trina6 @sunshineandwings86 @lunarmoon8 @wheezyeds @vicmc624 @couldabeenamermaid @vulgar-library

[entoman-created-by-the-tallgreys]

Women don't like to see electricity when it comes to their emotions and when a way it crashes into another wave they go insane.

. . .

The number one reason why so many women act so badly are there so I get to say emotion stable it's because they're really a little girl in the body of a woman.

. . .

There's no way to treat a mine you cannot give somebody a pill and expect that person to act in the way of your imagination that's not how it works it's called mind control and mind control is so f****** hard that is not so simple as as one two tactic.

. . .

Would you not have on this planet away we can snap your fingers and make someone else think the thoughts you want them to think you also have to take in a retrospect there's a soul to everybody and when mind control is really Soul manipulation.

. . .

And then you also take taking the fact the fact that they're actually are seraphim I don't really believe in angels but the believe in Almighty force of Good Will and evil I do believe cuz I have experiences I don't believe anything I haven't experienced yet and I've experienced things before the lifetime so whenever here in atheist or anyone tell me that there's the very thing that I say is real if not real I hear is someone who has no experience.

. . .

If you wanted the jungle and you dealt with tigers and you come back to a land where they don't believe in tigers and you keep bringing a little bit to proof like a tooth or some fur they won't believe you they want to see the whole tiger was kind of hard to get the whole tiger plus it's really hard to end the tiger's life to give it to somebody else but you get my point just because you have experience doesn't mean anyone's going to believe you.

. . .

So when you go on and on about things you are very normal about but it is such a someone who has zero experience or memory or knowledge of thing you're going to come off as someone who's mentally ill that is the easiest thing to earn in existence it should not be it should not be given much attention it should not be cared about.

. . .

The easiest thing to do is be smarter than somebody else because you care enough because you want to be smart and then be careful because the moment you're smart and somebody else you're crazy.

. . .

If you were doing math in a country where math did not develop, you're crazy.

. . .

In the medieval times do they caught you washing yourself excessively constantly trying to clean yourself very careful with thing called germs they would think that you were crazy cuz back in the medieval times long before science really had a chance early Dark Age like 11th century you would have been seen as someone who is severely mad.

. . .

To believe in germs is a mental illness but in the 21st century we now know that germs are not just everywhere and that there are not millions of different types of species of bacteria and germs but the how deadly a virus is how deadly a disease is and how pandemics happen.

. . .

My point is that you need to not let the words you're crazy hurt you too much because it's going to happen on a continuum.

. . .

You're going to constantly seen as the crazy person for having more experience the adult is crazy to the little girl or little boy the adult is crazy to the teenager the old lady is crazy to the adult crazy is the dumbest word ever I hate that word crazy was a person I smack it.

. . .

Crazy is Stupid

. . .

What you mean to say is this person makes me uncomfortable and I have no idea what the hell's going on.

. . .

[dorindameddler]

a braving light in a world so dark: a georgie/melanie playlist (spotify)

1. first love/late spring - mitski // 2. unforgiving girl (she's not an) - car seat headrest // 3. strange girl - laura marling // 4. reach out - sleater-kinney // 5. safe tonight - bat for lashes // 6. crying in public - chairlift // 7. don't delete the kisses - wolf alice // 8. it's not just me - let's eat grandma // 9. sick of spiraling - bachelor // 10. shut up kiss me - angel olsen // 11. marauders - thao & the get down stay down // 12. half colored hair - black belt eagle scout // 13. stay with me - margaret glaspy // 14. don't go puttin wishes in my head - torres // 15. walk with you - oceanator

selection of lyrics under the cut

first love/late spring

Wild women don't get the blues/But I find that lately, I've been crying like a tall child/So please, hurry, leave me, I can't breathe/Please don't say you love me/Mune ga hachikire-sōde/One word from you and I would/Jump off of this ledge I'm on, baby/Tell me, "Don't," so I can crawl back in

unforgiving girl (she's not an)

Well, everyone learns to live with themselves/And you're not the only one who's been through hell/So give me a sign that I'm not making love to myself/It's an unforgiving world/But she's not an unforgiving girl

strange girl

Woke up in a country who refused to hold your hand/Kept falling for narcissists who insist you call them 'man'/You work late for a job you hate that's never fit the plan/Stay low, keep brave/I love you, my strange girl/My lonely girl/My angry girl/My brave

reach out

Reach out, touch me, I'm stuck on the edge/Reach out, darkness is winning again/Reach out and see me, I'm losing my head/Reach out, I can't fight without you, my friend

safe tonight

Lying in the dark and I am out of time/There's a demon in my heart that I'm not sure we’ll survive/The shadows come around one too many times/Baby, I need you to tell me I'm safe tonight

crying in public

Take all my defenses in two words/And throw them away/ Tell me, what kind of monster/Have I been today?/But you smile and call me “tough guy”/To the opposite effect/It's a flower in the gun/And your tough guy's a wreck/Sorry I'm crying in public this way/I'm falling for you, I'm falling for you/I'm sorry I'm causing a scene on the train/I'm falling for you, I'm falling for you

don't delete the kisses

What if it's not meant for me?/Love/What if it's not meant for me?/Love/A few days pass since I last saw you/And you've taken over my mind/I'm retelling jokes you made that made me laugh/Pretending that they're mine/I wanna tell the whole world about you/I think that that's a sign/I'm losing self-control and it's you

it's not just me

Because the point is that I see it's not just me/The point is that you feel my company/You know I'll never be too far if you're looking for somebody/I'm here/It's not just me/I know you're feeling the same way/And I can't fail to believe/When you're feeling the same way/It's not just me

sick of spiraling

Walking alone at night/Clutching a cheap gas station knife/Love, the danger is in the car/Who couldn't see me it was too dark/As the brakes slam to the floor/Missing me just inches short/I thought, "If I can't have my own back/How the fuck can I have yours?"/You are a braving light in a world so dark/And I'm sick of spiraling out and I need your touch to stop/You are a braving light in a world so dark/And I'm scared out of my mind and I need your love

shut up kiss me

I could make it all go away/Tell me what you’re thinking, don't delay/We could still be having some sweet memories/This heart still beats for you, why can't you see?/Shut up, kiss me, hold me tight/Shut up, kiss me, hold me tight/Stop your crying, it's alright/Shut up, kiss me, hold me tight

marauders

My darlin', your patience, rain it on me/I know daughters of marauders are just so hard to please/I got that poison, carve it on out/Barely served me then/Only hurts me now/But you look like I could stay/Let all my intentions fall away/Kill all my defenses where they lay/Say all that's left to say

half colored hair

How you look at me/In the brightness of your room/Imagine the lightness of my fingers on your face/Run through your hair/Across your neck/Light breaks across your room/I never knew I'd like half colored hair so much/But in the light

stay with me

I've had nothing but trouble/And bad news on the line for such a long time/The only break I get is laughing 'tiI my eyes are wet/With you, you/Won't you stay with me?/I'll be on my best behavior/When it all shakes down—/Who's the clown, and who's the savior?

don't go puttin wishes in my head

I know promising forever's not your thing/But now if you don't want me to go dreaming/Don't spend your mornings and your evenings in my bed/If you don't want me believing that/You're never gonna leave me, darling/Don't go putting wishes in my head/So if we're calling off the funeral/Then I'm calling for a hitching/For a while, I was sinking/But from here on out, I swear I'm swimming

walk with you

When you were depressed and/You put your head on my chest and you told me/That you were tired of being tough/I took you by the hand and/Told you I understand and you told me/That could never be enough/But I will walk with you down the avenue though the streets are made of glass/And we will tread lightly on our heavy feet and avoid all of the cracks/It's a fragile place that we've ended in and one wrong move could shatter/But in the end will it matter?

[fasterthanmydemons]

{ Trying harder to make him angry..XD And if I need to remind anyone reading this, Valorie's views are hers and not mine. She is a bitch, I am not! }

After the 'conversation' that Valorie had had with Pietro about Ellie, she had become even more bitter. For a time, she actually didn't say much. It seemed like she was going to leave things be and leave well enough alone and stop meddling. However.. This was until she thought that she had a chance to actually confront Ellie, because she didn't see Pietro anywhere around to stop her.

"You do know that that looks ridiculous on you, right?" Valorie smirked meanly, leaning on the doorway to Ellie's room. Ellie stopped, turning her head to look over at Valorie. Seeing as Ellie suspected that Valorie had outed her medical history, she was not too happy with her.

"I don't need ya advice on fashion," Ellie muttered, her eyebrows furrowing a bit as she fidgeted with the ties to the dress she was trying on. She had already been self conscious about it, but had wanted to try and surprise Pietro when he came back since she didn't usually dress up - ever.

"'I don't need ya advice on fashion,'" Valorie mocked, shaking her head. "Good Lord. Pick an accent and stick to it, honey. This whole "country girl mixed with somewhere land New York" thing that you have going on is just annoying." Valorie then sneered at her, after letting a laugh. "By the way, the reason that a sweetheart cut dress isn't fitting you right, is because you actually have to have a real chest to fill it out. What you're doing right now? You look so stupid. It's obvious to me that you don't know anything about trying to actually look nice." Valorie added, causing Ellie to look in the mirror with concern, running her hands over the skirt of the colorful sundress again. Nat had helped her pick it out, and she had been sure it would at least look okay on her. With Valorie nagging her now, it seriously made her doubt that.

"Mm, okay, yeah. The lack of curves is an issue too. Most dresses will look like shit on you, sorry to tell you that. They're made for women with figures, not scrawny little twigs like you who can barely pass as human to begin with." Valorie snorted, her arms folded.

"I am human," Elodie frowned, although she didn't sound so sure of that, now. "What do you want from me, anyway? Why are ya botherin' me?" Ellie frowned, hugging herself tightly and running her fingers through her hair, which she had just redyed again in hopes that it would stay.

Unfortunately, this was the next thing Valorie targeted.

"I want you to wake up and get out, that is what I want, Elodie." Valorie snapped, her expression hardening. "I want you to leave, and give those of us who don't have scraggly mops for hair have a chance to be happy." She sneered again, looking Ellie up and down. All Ellie was trying to do was try sonething a bit different as a surprise. She was really trying, though. Which is why Valorie's last comment hurt so much.

"Are you sure that you didn't have some kind of eye cancer? Because you sure as he'll are giving me cancer in mine."

@themxlodyofmiidnight

Pietro was so angry he was actually afraid of how he might react. He wanted to punch Valorie in the face, throw her out a window, slam her into a wall, any or all of those things. That’s how enraged he was at what he’d heard coming down the hallway. But he didn’t hurt ladies. Not unless they were formidable adversaries and trained to kill like Natasha or something. Then all bets were off. But his father told him that real men never hit ladies, and Pietro had always taken his father’s advice to heart. If Valorie didn’t stop, though... and soon... he was afraid he wouldn't be able to stop himself.

“I am going to give you exactly one minute... to shut your mouth... turn around... and go back to your room... before I do something we will both regret,” Pietro said rather ominously behind Valorie, very obviously measuring each word and fighting to keep his temper under control. “Time starts now. Move your sorry, intolerant, hateful ass before I break it.” 

The seemingly calm yet deliberate tone he took with her was not like him at all. He wanted to make it very clear to her that he was restraining himself, and that she would do well to listen to his warning. 

[colour-outside-the-liness]

Hi Colour! This is going to be a long one, so buckle up!

Oh wow, that's so precious! You've definitely earned the "real life Dani" nickname haha I wish I could find something meaningful like that to do with my life. I'm actually autistic and have ADHD so hearing you do this kind of work makes me really happy! Keep up the good work Ms. Clayton! 😁 Haha

You sound like a lot of fun to hang out with at pubs! Haha I'm glad you identify with that bit of info on your star placements. I had a lot of fun doing it too!

The thing about Hozier is that some of his lyrics are incredibly sapphic to me for some reason, I'm still trying to figure it out. NFWMB is one of the songs that feels like that to me. Don't know if you've heard it before but give it a try if you haven't. If you close your eyes it sounds like you're in an epic romantic story and there are swords, pretty gowns, and rooms lit by torches. Haha

The beginning of this song was inspired by a poem written by W.B Yeats called "The Second Coming" in 1920, and it talks about an apocalypse of sorts, alluding to all of the horrors men inflicted upon the world which ends up awakening this beast that goes to Jesus's place of birth in the Bible (Bethlehem) to be born. The last lines being:

"And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,

Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"

So the song starts with:

"When I first saw you

The end was soon

To Bethlehem it slouched

And then, it must've caught a good look at you"

And oh boy do I think of Dani when I hear that. Especially bc of that scene where Viola accepts Dani's invitation to live inside her. And nobody knows why she accepts it (but I do!).

And yeah at first glance you might not think much of Dani. in the beginning she's just a tiny frail small-town girl with a lot of anxiety, running away from her past traumas. But she proves us wrong again and again and again. She moves to a country she's never been before entirely by herself, sees an opportunity, and doesn't let go of it even when it looks like it went wrong. Then is very loving and tender with these children who have gone through so much and are still going through so much. Tries to fight (with a fire poker!!) the threatening man that keeps harassing her, the children, and her friends. THEN manages to soften the angry, grumpy lesbian who's given up on people after A LOT of trauma (too much in my opinion) and doesn't give up on her when she rejects her either. Freaking exorcises her ex and makes him stop haunting her so she can be with the love of her life. And then finally as if all of that didn't make her the bravest hero in this story, she literally stops an apocalypse from happening and saves everyone from this beast by sacrificing herself without even thinking twice. Saves everyone that came before her and then the ones who'll come after for the rest of eternity. I mean the P-O-W-E-R this girl has. 💪 so hell yeah the lady in the lake wanted to take her.

When Hozier says:

"Ain't it a gentle sound, the rollin' in the graves?

Ain't it like thunder under earth, the sound it makes?

Ain't it exciting you, the rumble where you lay?

Ain't you my baby? ain't you my baby?"

I can only think of Dani at the bottom of the lake laying on top of all the bones of the people Viola killed and how she's at peace living forever in a dark place like that. That's kinda hardcore y'know?

After the first verses, Hozier goes on to talk abt his lover, someone so utterly terrifying even the beast of the end of the world can't stand to look at them. But this song is also about being proud to be this person's lover bc nothing can fuck with them, not bc you are there to protect them and wouldn't let anyone harm them, but bc they're more than capable of protecting themselves and you too. So in my head, this song is Jamie's declaration of love to Dani.

And then I think of Jamie's devotion to Dani when she said "If you can't feel anything, then I'll feel everything for the both of us." shown in this verse:

"If I was born as a blackthorn tree

I'd wanna be felled by you

Held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies"

And the fact that she took what she could get just to be with Dani. She knew she'd have to suffer for/bc of her at some point, but chose to be with her anyway. I have no doubts in my mind she'd want to be anything for her as long as they could be together in any way, shape, or form. In all the lives they happened to meet one another too.

Wouldn't it be cool to see them in an AU where Dani is like a medieval princess who's supposed to marry Edmund to form an alliance between kingdoms or something and Jamie is an assassin who is hired to kill the princess so she has to pretend to be Dani's personal guard or wtever but they fall in love and run away together and Jamie teaches her how to fight so Dani becomes this warrior but turns out Dani is naturally good at it and then she becomes a legend? Hahaha I can see her riding a horse in the winter with paint on her face and her blonde hair falling over this fur-lined cloak, fierce look on her face, and Jamie riding next to her (always). Then they come across Viola who's a witch and puts a curse on Dani and then Dani and Jamie have to travel to all sorts of places and fight all sorts of people and go on this whole adventure to rid Dani of this curse. Maybe Dani has to go back to her kingdom bc her father dies and there are other people trying to take her kingdom so there's a lot of angst and suffering but then they win at the end after a lot of sweat and tears and they live happily ever after! 😎Hahaha

Anyway, I hope you're having a great week so far and hope you had fun with your niece today! (I know if I was her and you had us make fudge and paint I'd worship you haha) I'm sorry for the very (very) long ask, but I've been obsessing over this idea for months and I just had to share it with someone! ✌️✨

(And you can call me Libby or wtever since I'm not anon anymore 🤗)

Awwh thank you so much for saying I have earned my 'real life Dani' title is means a lot to me that you guys see that in me!! I am sure you do so many meaningful things in life without even realising it!! I honestly just want to make a difference and I love helping people so going into a career like this just seemed so natural to me and I really do love what I do!! Thank you so much I really hope I can keep up the good work!! I hope I'm a lot of fun- I know I have helped win a few pub quizzes and there's been a few times I've won games of trivial pursuit as well so that really did make so much sense to me and learning about all the placements of my chart was so much fun and was so interesting so thank you very much!! I have heard some of Hozier's lyrics are quite sapphic and I always mean to look into more of his songs and then just never do but I will definitely look in to NFWMB because the lyrics you have sent me here are incredible and definitely give of Dani x Jamie vibes I definitely agree with you in everything you have said about why Viola accepted Dani's invitation- Dani and Viola are similar in some ways and this was something I was explaining to my niece when she watched it with me. I explained to her that both Viola and Dani are strong willed, and stubborn, and would do anything to fiercely protect the people they care about. We saw that time and time again with Dani, how within days of knowing Miles and Flora she was out with a fire poker trying to protect them from a strange man that she kept seeing around the manor. And how Viola would've done anything to protect her daughter. One major difference between them though is that Viola seemed to have a slight selfish streak where as Dani is entirely selfless, she was selfless for the longest time in even agreeing to marry Eddie so she wouldn't hurt him, she was selfless in protecting Miles and Flora, and even more selfless in saving Flora's life and freeing all the trapped spirits of Bly Manor and then she is selfless in the fact that she won't drag anyone down and won't hurt anyone else at Bly ever again. The one thing she did for herself was being with Jamie- and she was able to make Jamie open up and trust people in way she probably hadn't for the longest time. Dani is a truly strong person as was Viola and I can see why she would accept Dani's invitation. I will have to listen to this song to see it from a Jamie perspective which I will definitely do tomorrow but from the lyrics you have sent me I can definitely see it being a love declaration to Dani from Jamie. Jamie knew in the end she would suffer because she knew she wouldn't be able to keep Dani forever, and knew that one day she would have to leave her- but she knew loving Dani for as long as she was allowed to would be worth that pain in the end and Jamie is a truly strong person as well for knowing this and staying by Dani's side anyway when that must have been such a hard thing for Jamie to ever have to accept. Jamie would've been anything for Dani and would've one anything for her as Dani would've for Jamie and that's why I love them so much. They loved each other so purely and without conditions and so wholeheartedly and it really was such a lovely thing to watch play out in front of us (even if it did hurt us all at the end). I think it would be so cool to see an AU like that I think medieval stuff is always so fun and so interesting and a good enemies to lovers start never fails either because there's so much tension there between them. And Jamie being undercover as someone to get close to Dani and them slowly falling in love with each other would just be a great thing to see!! And I am all for warrior Dani and Jamie (women with weapons is a little bit of a weakness of mine)!! This whole AU just sounds incredible I love a good curse in fantasy stories and the curse slowly taking over and you thinking they're going to run out of time but everything works out in the end!! Dani going back to her kingdom because of her sick Dad dying would be great for angst because it would look

like she would have to marry someone to create an alliance and that she would have to take over a kingdom (perhaps something she never wanted to do in the first place)!! I think this could be a very angsty one shot and could be so interesting and fun and the happy ending would definitely make all the angst worth it in the end!! I am having a good week so far thank you and I had so much fun with my niece today, making fudge went great and she was happy that I was able to show her how to do it because she'd never made it before so now that's something she knows how to do (I think she thinks I'm way cooler than I actually am haha thank you for saying you'd worship me though if you were my niece haha 😂) but tomorrow she is teaching me how to do something because I taught her how to make fudge today... she's gonna teach me how to draw in an anime style- which is something she is really into and even though I'm not she loves drawing so I've asked if she can teach me since I taught her something today!! There's no need to apologise I loved this long angst and I loved this idea I think it's really great and interesting and that song just seems amazing and I am definitely gonna listen to it tomorrow when I get chance!! Thank you for sharing this idea with me I loved it!! ☺️ Haha oki doki then as long as that's alright with you Libby is what I'll call you!! Like I said you can seriously call me anything!! ☺️