#but yeah what’s with the CPAP machine mention ???

[darcyofmine]

Wait but like I’m rewatching THE BEAR and I’m watching that Marcus/Sydney scene in the last episode of Season 1 and Sydney said something that made me pause.

When Marcus asks her if she’s got a dream spot she says something like « yeah you’ll see it when I open it » and he says « I like the attitude, that’s how you win. » but then Sydney replies with « yeah or lose everything and end up living back with you dad and his stinky CPAP machine ».

And then it just hit me. Her dad is *sick*. I mean he must have sleep apnea at least to require such a device to help him breathe better ? So he definitely has some pulmonary related issues. The medications we all saw and were thinking it’s hers ? Someone already said they’re for her dad. Did anyone see what are the actual prescriptions or if it’s just the usual PPIs used for gastrointestinal stuff (like lanzoprazole etc) ?

So. Yeah….

Idk maybe it’s bc we saw him in season 2 and he didn’t *look* sick but I think the health scare we thought Sydney was gonna have in s3 ? Maybe it will actually be her dad after all and Idk how to feel about that. Like imagine if he has a heart attack or something… poor Sydney :((

And Idk why but I’m having this weird feeling Richie is the one who’s gonna be there for her this time around. Like Idk I just feel like Syd/Richie bestie era is upon us! (I hope so tbh I really love their dynamic!! Not in a shipping type but in a big brother/younger sister vibe or even paternal kinda)

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Hair Trigger

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam, Superfam, YJ98

Summary: A junior at Gotham University, Jason finds it difficult to conceal his worsening mental health from his family and his friend, Jon Lane Kent. Family secrets are revealed and boundaries are pushed as Jason and Laney struggle to navigate through school, their romantic feelings, and their trauma. Could the reintroduction of Laney Kent be more trouble than it's worth, or is it just what Jason needed to confront the demons of his past?

I will also do trigger warnings for chapters and if there is smut I have the chapter(s) tagged so you don't have to worry about nsfw in the fic if you're just here for the story itself.

Chapters: 6/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Jonathan Lane Kent, Bruce Wayne, Clark Kent, Lois Lane, Cassandra Cain, Tim Drake, Conner Kent, Natalia Knight, Jonathan Samuel Kent, Cassie Sandsmark, Chris Kent, Bart Allen, Original Character(s)

Relationships: JayLaney, Clois, TimKon

Additional Tags: University AU, No Powers AU, Sharing A Bed, Romance, Angst

Chapter Six: Ring

"Dad, what are you doing?" Laney asked. Clark sat on the fire escape typing something on his laptop. "Dad?"

"It's such a nice day. We should go do something," Clark whispered, "Do you still like to eat at Taco Whiz?"

Laney smiled. "Mhm, but what are you working on? Is it the article?" Laney asked. Clark shook his head.

"I'm looking at the cost of a CPAP machine—."

"Dad, we talked about that over breakfast—."

"I know, but I would just feel better if I knew why you didn't want one," Clark asked, "I think our insurance would cover it. I could make a call and—."

"I kind of didn't want to make a big deal out of it—."

"Can I bargain with you on this? Is there anything that I can say or do to get you to discuss this with me like an adult?" Clark asked.

"Would it help you sleep at night if I made an appointment to talk to my doctor about getting a CPAP?" Laney asked. Clark nodded. "Fine, but only because I don't want to argue about it." Laney went into his room and changed out of his pajamas.

"You promise?" Clark asked.

"Dad, I promise," Laney replied, "Now what are we doing today?"

"Do you wanna take a walk there?" Clark asked. Laney nodded and waited for Clark to come in from the fire escape. Clark stumbled on the way to get his shoes, and Laney steadied him.

"I wanted to ask you something," Laney mentioned.

"Okay," Clark replied as they stepped out of the apartment. Laney locked up, and they started on their way to the elevator.

"How's Conner doing?" Laney asked.

"He's doing fine. You haven't spoken to him?" Clark asked as he held the elevator for an older woman.

"He gets on my nerves," Laney replied, "So, no, I haven't talked to him this month." Clark chuckled.

"He's doing fine. Did he tell you he's playing at your school in two weeks?" Clark asked.

"I'll text him later and ask if he wants me to come," Laney replied. The elevator opened on the fourth floor, and the woman got off.

"Thank you, young man," she waved at Clark. Clark smiled at her, and they got off on the first floor and started their walk.

"Young man?" Laney chuckled.

"I was young once," Clark joked, and Laney laughed as his phone started to ring.

"Speak of the devil... Hey," Laney answered, and he put the phone on speaker.

"Hi, I've got two questions. Can I borrow your ID, and can I stay the night at your place?" Conner asked.

"One, Dad heard that first question. Two, yeah, you can stay at my place," Laney answered.

"Dad's with you?" Conner asked.

"Hi, Conner," Clark greeted him as he grabbed the back of Laney's shirt. "Laney, watch the cars. Why do you need Laney's ID?"

"Disclaimer: It's not for alcohol... But I am gonna need Laney to take me off speaker before I give him a reason," Conner replied. Laney sighed and turned off the speaker.

"I took you off the speaker," Laney replied.

"I lost my ID, and I kind of scheduled a tattoo appointment in your name," Conner replied.

"That's so stupid. Mom would kill both of us if she found out I helped you do that," Laney replied.

"For real?" Conner whined.

"No," Laney replied.

"Sick, thanks," Conner whispered. Clark led Laney across the street by his forearm as Laney took Conner off the speaker.

"Well, he was telling the truth, Dad. Conner, you're back on speakerphone. Also, you're gonna have to sleep on the floor," Laney replied.

"See you tonight then. Love you, Dad. Later Laney," Conner hung up before they could say anything further. Laney and Clark reached the restaurant soon afterward and stood in line together.

They walked to the park after they got their order, and they sat together. "Don't eat so fast," Clark warned him. Laney took a sip of his soda.

"Hey, Dad. Do you remember when Conner and I were little, and you used to take us on walks in the double stroller?" Laney asked.

"I didn't think you remembered that. You were so little then. Do you remember you used to get upset because you didn't want to sit on the sunny side?" Clark laughed. Laney smiled. "Remember when you were five and insisted that I carry you everywhere because you weren't ready to be a big boy?"

Laney tried to conceal his smile. "And I flipped out when I was nine because I didn't want another little brother... I never was much of a team player—."

"You were a team player. You just never liked us to know it. Think I don't remember when Sammy was a baby, and you used to fall asleep holding him on the couch? Or how you asked to share a room with Christopher because you said you'd wake up if he had a nightmare?" Clark whispered. "You've always been a team player, but I think you're hard on yourself. You and Jason have that in common."

"How do you know?" Laney asked. Clark took a sip of his soda.

"He used to talk to me sometimes. He wouldn't say a lot, but I heard enough to know that you boys are... Perfectly matched," Clark whispered, and Laney tensed up.

"What do you mean?" Laney asked.

"I was only making an observation," Clark replied.

Laney went back to eating, and he fought the urge to address what Clark said, but he knew he had to. "So, I think he's attractive. Is that what you wanted me to say?" Laney asked.

"Actually, I had no idea that you liked him. I just meant that in the context of you both being what the other needed in a friend... How long have you liked him?" Clark asked. Laney shrugged.

"I don't know, since that one Christmas... But I wouldn't do that to him," Laney mumbled and reached to run a hand through his hair.

Clark grabbed his wrist. "Your hands are dirty... And what do you mean?" Clark asked.

"I don't wanna impose my feelings on him while he's going through stuff..." Laney finished his soda off and went back to eating. They sat in the park and ate and talked for nearly an hour, and they started on their way back to Laney's apartment.

Laney turned on the tv while Clark got ready to take his shower. Laney broke into a sweat, and he felt a pain in his chest. He plopped down on the couch and leaned his head back as he tried to catch his breath. Clark stepped out of the bathroom in his pajamas. "Laney, I was thinking we could—."

"Dad," Laney interrupted him.

"What's wrong?" Clark asked.

"My chest hurts," Laney replied. Clark watched as Laney took a few unsteady breaths and clutched his chest.

"Laney, I'm gonna get you an aspirin. Okay, just sit up, and I'll be right back," Clark replied calmly. He grabbed the aspirin from the medicine cabinet and grabbed Laney's soda from the kitchen before going back to the room. "Here you go," Clark whispered and sat next to his son. He waited for a while until Laney relaxed enough to speak. "I think I should stay a few more days with you..." Laney nodded and took a few more deep breaths.

On the other side of Gotham, Jason got a ride up to the manor to surprise Bruce. He found himself caught in the middle of an argument between the driver and someone on the phone. "Listen! I've got this fucking kid in my car right now, and I can't—."

"Shut up! Shut up! I'm gonna take all your shit, and I'm gonna sell it! A-and whatever I can't sell, I'm gonna burn," the woman on the phone yelled, and the call dropped.

Jason didn't say anything. He just watched as the driver pulled up to the gate and he got out of the car. "Thank you," Jason whispered, and Jason waited until the driver was almost out of sight to punch in the code to the gate and let himself in. He walked up the paved driveway all the way to the front door, and he just stood there. Jason swallowed hard and lay his knuckles against the door, careful not to make a sound. After standing there frozen, he knocked. No one answered, so he waited a few seconds and tried again, and the door swung open.

"I'm sorry, but I've got to—. Jason?" Bruce asked. He seemed surprised, but he was obviously dressed to go out. "I was just about to call you."

"Where are you going?" Jason asked.

"Clark's taking Laney to the emergency room," Bruce replied, "Do you want to ride with me?"

"Uh-huh. Did Mr. Kent tell you what happened?" Jason asked, raising his voice without thinking as he followed Bruce to the garage. "Dad?" Jason grabbed Bruce's arm.

"I don't know yet. Jason, what are you doing here?" Bruce asked.

"I wanted to see you guys. See, if you wanted to do something... Why wouldn't he tell you what was wrong with Laney?" Jason asked. Bruce pulled up to the gate and punched in the code so that they could leave, and he shrugged at Jason. "Well, can you tell me why you're just as worried as I am? You never liked Lane—."

"Clark would do the same thing if you were in the emergency room," Bruce answered, "I'm sorry if I seem agitated this morning, but I just got this call a few minutes ago." Jason bit his nails as he looked out the window. "Jason, I'm sorry. I'm not snapping at you... I'm actually happy to see you—."

"It's alright. I'm not even thinking about that," Jason snapped as he dug in his pocket for his phone and made a call.

"Who are you calling?" Bruce asked.

"I'm calling Laney. Maybe he has his phone with him," Jason replied.

Clark answered the phone. "Hello?" Clark answered. "Jason?"

"How is Laney? We're on our way," Jason blurted out without thinking of how concerned he sounded.

"I'm just holding his phone for him while he's getting checked out. I'm more panicked than he is, I think," Clark confessed.

"What happened?" Jason asked. "Is he hurt? Was there an accident?"

"No, it's nothing like that... He—. Laney? Sorry, Jason, hold on... What'd they say?" Clark asked, and Jason could hear Laney's voice in the background, but he couldn't make out what Laney said. "What does that mean?" Clark asked.

"What is Clark saying?" Bruce asked. Jason shrugged.

"I don't know—."

The call dropped, and Jason's jaw tightened. "He hung up..." Bruce looked over at Jason, and he opened his mouth to speak but couldn't find anything comforting to say.

"Laney's a good guy, Dad."

"Are we really going to argue about whether or not I like him?" Bruce asked.

"You didn't address it when I said you didn't like him. Don't you think he knows that?" Jason asked.

"It wasn't that I didn't like him as a person. I didn't like what he did—."

"What did he do?" Jason asked. "Because I'm starting to feel like you didn't split us up over a rated R movie." Bruce wouldn't look at him. "Dad?"

"Now isn't the time—."

"When?" Jason asked. Bruce turned the radio on, and Jason shut it off. "I'm not a child, Bruce. That doesn't work anymore. Why couldn't I see Laney anymore?"

"Jason now is really not the time to discuss why I don't like him. He's in the hospital, for god's sakes," Bruce whispered.

"Now you're just being evasive—."

"You're right. I am being evasive. I don't want to argue with you today. I really don't want to argue with you at all, and there's nothing I can do to change what happened now... I'm sure you already know," Bruce replied.

"I don't know. That's why I'm asking you... And Laney refused to tell me when we hung out, which I guess is your doing somehow, right?" Jason asked. "And for the record, we're arguing right now."

"Do you remember Natalia? Well, he was going to help her meet up with you at the movie theater—."

"And now you're bullshitting me. I haven't seen Natalia since you said she got in trouble for some laundering stuff... Unless she was trying to say-... Pull the fucking car over!" Jason hollered.

"Jason, I'm not gonna pull the car over—."

"You're gonna pull the car over, and we're not gonna argue! We're gonna fight because you know what you did to me," Jason yelled. Bruce sighed.

"What did I do?" Bruce asked.

"You took Laney away! You took my foster mom away! It's like you don't want anyone else in my life—."

"That's not it. Natalia was a criminal and what Laney did was—."

"Kindhearted? Selfless?" Jason asked as Bruce pulled over.

"Reckless. Jason, Laney was reckless. She could've run off and took you away from me," Bruce replied sternly, "And he was going to tell you what happened. I couldn't let him do that—."

"Why the hell not? He was my best friend! Don't you think that I deserved to know the truth? I would've been upset, but I would have gotten over it! I know realistically I wouldn't have run away because I love you, but I would have appreciated you explaining to me that you cared..." Jason took a deep breath and pushed his hair back. "But Laney, as rude and childish and hotheaded as he was back then, he was my very best friend. So, no, I'm not pissed about Natalia. I'm pissed that you held a grudge against my best friend for being my best friend."

"Jason," Bruce whispered.

"You can keep driving now... But you're going to apologize to Laney, and I want you to tell him you appreciate how understanding he's been," Jason commanded. Bruce nodded. "And one more thing, you will never ever come between me and someone I lo-. I care about ever again."

"Wait, Jason. Did you say—?"

"I don't want to talk about that with you," Jason replied. The rest of the drive was silent. Bruce didn't plead with him. He only sat in the silence and thought about what Jason said to him.

When they got to the hospital, Clark pulled Bruce aside and talked to him for a second before taking them to Laney's hospital room, where Laney lay in bed talking to a nurse. "I can't stay here three days? What am I gonna do here for three days?" Laney asked.

"Rest," the nurse replied as he turned to leave the room.

Jason's shoulders relaxed as soon as he locked eyes with Laney. "Mind if I talk to Laney alone?" Jason asked. Clark and Bruce stepped outside, and Jason walked over to Laney's bed. "I'm gonna hug you, and you are never allowed to tell anyone about this." He embraced Laney and Laney held onto him.

"I'm fine," Laney reassured him.

Jason let go and took a deep breath. "I asked my dad... And he told me what you tried to do for me. You're the best friend a guy could ask for," Jason whispered. Laney smiled.

"I'm glad you know now. What are you doing here?" Laney asked.

"If one more person asks me that-. I'm here because I heard you were in the hospital," Jason replied. Laney smiled. "What?"

"You love me," Laney joked.

"Actually, I like you, but we'll see where things go," Jason winked, "Hey... In all seriousness, though, why are you in here? Your head seems okay." Jason grabbed Laney's head, and Laney swatted his hands away playfully.

"If I tell you, you'll freak," Laney replied, "I know my mom freaked out..."

"What is it?" Jason asked. "It's gonna freak me out more to not know."

"I'm at risk for a heart attack... The doctor said something about my sleep apnea putting stress on my heart," Laney whispered. Jason sighed.

"Jesus, Laney... A heart attack?" Jason asked.

"It's not like I'm dying or anything, but I can feel my dad stressing from outside. Can we let our parents in so—? You're pissed at our dads, aren't you?" Laney asked. Jason shrugged and turned to go get Clark and Bruce. Laney grabbed his hand. "Don't be like that. They meant well, but you've gotta admit it does feel good to know that you know the truth about your foster mom... That she still cared."

"It does," Jason replied. He could feel the heat build-up in his face as Laney held onto his hand. "Laney? I'm gonna go get our dads." Laney nodded and let go of Jason's hand, only allowing their fingers to touch for a few seconds longer. Jason didn't address it. Instead, he left to find their parents.

"Dad? Mr. Kent?" Jason whispered.

"Are you okay?" Clark asked. Jason nodded and took a deep breath.

"Mhm, I'm fine," Jason lied as Bruce went in to speak to Laney and Clark stuck behind. He sat with Jason in the hallway, and he let out a sigh.

"So you know now?" Clark asked.

"About my mom? Because I'll be fine... I mean, I'm upset, but now I've got other things on my mind," Jason mumbled.

[divatheawesome]

I haven’t shared in a while . I feel resentment towards him . I tried the couples therapy . I paid for part of it and now it’s his turn and he is not in the least bit interested . I have explained how his loud snoring hurts me and I wake up disoriented , sleep deprived and with massive headache . Yet he won’t quit smoking or do the nose surgery or get the CPAP machine at night to help with his breathing . It’s either I sleep next to him and suffer or we sleep in two separate bedrooms . I told him about the other bed as a temporary solution . But he would rather do nothing than do something . And that is my problem to begin with . I shifted from full time to part time after 6 or 8 months of asking for it to accommodate his new life by a highway in a faraway city . So I wouldn’t cause an inconvenience and ask for another place before marriage . I also resent my parents because I expressed my concerns about the house being in the middle of nowhere and they brushed me off . I spoke up about how far it is from all that I know , work , graduate studies , family and friends . Still they said yeah it will be fine . And it was not fine . I spoke up about how it’s a big house and he doesn’t have the means or I to provide for it . And everyone insisted that I keep working towards it so the engagement goes by smoothly. I spoke up about my concerns that he has no degree in the field we are working in or a plan but still they said it’s okay it will be fine . I spoke up about his parents influence on all of his decisions and they said that’s normal and it will become less when you marry him . I spoke up about the differences of spending between what he was raised to and what I am raised to . And they said it’s okay you will learn to live in a different way . I mentioned that my mother in law is nosy and she tries to have things her way . They said it’s okay it will lessen with time . I mentioned that the engagement is going by too fast and it’s all spent in house preps and marriage stuff and there’s barely time for us . They said oh well the economy is falling apart so it must be the nearest possible date .

And now I’m crashing with the reality where I feel my body is suffering , my career , my friendships and there is no plan for improvement in the future .

I can’t take all those long car commutes in crazy cairo traffic , and be a good phd student , and a good dr at the private practice and run it , and a good academic at university and learn to be a surgeon , and a nice wife that does her daily duties and put up with everyone’s shit .

I’m so down that I kept self soothing for food for about a year . And guess what I became so fat .

I’m far away from my mental health practitioner so I’m without help . And getting a new app takes forever and finding the right fit and starting all over .

And now I have started the job hunt and got myself an offer closer to that house . Now he is considering of selling it to open up his dream project but with no idea how much that project costs or where to move or when . And my life is literally on hold . If he moves then I shouldn’t drop my former employment and bother with a new place that is probably inferior but just because it’s closer to his house and work . If he doesn’t move , then the move with spare me some of the distance but it will take me back to square one in terms of new place new rules and I need to build just to be acceptable and earn rights and prove myself , meet new people and less job stability .

I am just so tired of this shit . My life is not pleasant in the current state . I will still have to go far commutes to private practice phd visiting parents . It’s just two days of less commute .

And i don’t know if it’s worth it . To do all of this for him . It feels like I keep losing parts of myself if what makes me content or fulfilled to fit into the notion of being married .

I can’t always be in limbo . He won’t open up that project with other investors money cause he wants to work for himself but he is willing to compromise on living in smaller space or lesser neighbourhood to do it . After my dad paid for almost all the furniture to fill his place . When to begin with ; I asked him to let go of that place because it would put him at a financial disadvantage . And now after he spent all his money on fixing up a place , he wants me to go someplace smaller and without fixing it up so he can save that money for an imaginary project with no plan whatsoever .

It feels wrong . Why make me twist over sideways ? A change should be for the Better of both us ? Not just one . .

Even that he can’t make a decision .

I am at my parents because I’m sick and I just had an emergency incision and drainage of an abscess . I think it’s my body”s way of saying that’s it I have had enough . It’s literally making me sick running all over the city west and east to try to be everywhere and do everything for everyone . I am sick and tired .

[vulpine111]

I'm beaming over what decent condition I'm in despite everything. I don't take functional organs and limbs for granted.

I anticipated myself to be slowly dying of heart failure but like I mentioned in the handwritten journal, they ran two EKGs on me and my heart looks healthy. That's not all. They checked my kidneys which are also in excellent condition for someone with my track record.

My liver is slightly elevated and I ought to get an ultrasound of it someday, but yeah! Bodies are incredibly resilient. It's only going to get better when I receive my CPAP machine and can do yoga consistently and go on hikes more often.

[kittyfairyblog]

Nov 15

 Meow well well well meow meow meow, this neko boy is coming to you form my bedroom as always. This neko boy is so excited that tomorrow my Steam Deck will arrive. I have been hoping and also praying that it will come all together. Meow I have today been getting things ready for the Steam Deck to come by getting games ready. I can’t wait to play many many older titles. This neko boy is trying to make it all the way to 9 pm. I already had dinner which was good. My mom ran out of dishwasher tablets and so we had to wash the dishes by hand. Meow I am excited to play games like old PC Games from the late 90s and other such games. Meow today earlier much earlier Kylie got out accidently and in the rain of all things and when we gotten her back in we had to dry her off with a towel. I am thinking back to the games things with the Steam Deck playing some Second Life and maybe some World Of Warcraft. These games I used to play on PC but now I will be able to play them on the Steam Deck. I mailed out today the package that I couldn’t mail out yesterday because we didn’t get any type until yesterday and the mail had already run. Yesterday as I mentioned already had a head doctors appointment a counsling appointment. Meow that went well the appointment yesterday. I keep checking the tracking information and I am super exicited that it will show up tomorrow, the Steam Deck. I didn’t do any typing in my book today because well I just wasn’t into it. I just decided to do something else. For awhile I couldn’t figure out to do so I complained about it in a message to a best friend of mine. I finally got back in track of what to do and so that a couple of hours I gotten back on track like I said. Meow I know I tend to repeat myself but I try not to. I looked up games that I hadn’t played on PC for years and I realized that I can play these old PC games on the Steam Deck. I also found a couple of games on the Steam website that I used to play on PC when I was really young. Meow well some how my right hand got scolded or burnt lightly by the heat of the Nintendo Switch I have but well I kept on playing. It didn’t hurt me that bad but well it still is a stinging. Meow well other than being pretty excited about tomorrow I don’t know what else to talk about. I think I talked pretty much a lot already. My dad already went to work around 6 something and it is going to be 8 pm in a couple of minutes. Yesterday I went to bed early around 8:30 but I didn’t go till sleep fully after 9 or 10. So I hope to go to bed around 9 pm this time around. Yeah I know I go to bed early but even in bed I don’t really go to sleep till a while later even with my CPAP machine. Meow well that’s pretty much covers everything. Meow until later folks. Bye. 

[chromalogue]

For the past three days, one of my bosses has managed to call me the moment I get out of the shower.  With more work.  Normally I have a strict no weekends policy (I am feeling increasingly like some sort of jerk princess for following it, but if I didn't work on weekends when I was making $18 000 a year, darned if I'm doing it when I'm making $0 a year), but I do make exceptions for deadlines, and this was a deadline.  But it means that I didn't get a weekend, and instead of launching into Monday excited, I feel like I'm trying to think with that plastic mesh that bath puffs are made of.  

And I've got a sleep study tomorrow night.  This is because at my intake appointment for an honest-to-goodness family doctor, I mentioned that I think I'm getting tendinitis in my shoulder on the side I like to sleep on.  I asked if I could get a CPAP machine so that I could sleep on my back, because everyone gives me heck about sleeping on my stomach and that leaves me one side that isn't even the comfortable one, and the doctor said that like every other concern I'd mentioned, from sprained ankles to wrist trouble, it was almost certainly because of my weight, and she totally respected that I had beliefs but I should go and check out this keto diet website, because when I said, "I am not interested in weight loss or restrictive eating because I do not think they are healthy choices for me," apparently what she heard was, "There is far too much joy in my life and I am looking for ways to make dry toast decadent."  

But I digress.  

She also said that the only condition they prescribe CPAP machines for is sleep apnea, so I would need to come in and do a sleep study.  Now, Will says I snore sometimes, but I'm not super concerned about sleep apnea, because when I don't sleep on my back, I sleep gorgeously.  The other issue is, sleep studies are only done at night.  And the doctor shrugged and said I could ask and find out.  So when the sleep clinic people called me and I told them I'm a night person, they said, "Just don't bring any distractions and you should be fine."  Which, naturally, I hear as, "Your condition is fake and you really can sleep at night except that you lack the self-discipline to put down your phone."

I probably should have said thank you but no right then, but now this is an issue of honour.  I am going to a sleep study where I won't sleep and missing a job that doesn't pay to prove I have a condition they don't believe in so that they can diagnose a condition I'm not concerned about so that I can get treatment for another issue altogether.

When I originally scheduled the appointment, I thought, Well, I will just be off my vacation, so it will be fine.  I didn't count on not being able to take a vacation, and being eyebrows-deep in reading.  Happily, this past week it's been Anne Elizabeth Stengl.  I decided last Tuesday that instead of explaining in my conference paper why there were no women in my analysis of American evangelical Christian fiction, I should put some women in my analysis.  I could only find the one who wasn't writing romance (which might say something about the genre but might equally say something about the purchasing habits of Northern Ontario libraries), which I prefer not to read, but when I did I saw YA in the tags and snapped up every book in the series.  Then I saw that they were 800 pages each, so that's been a little heavy, but Stengl writes head and shoulders above folks like Ted Dekker and Jerry B. Jenkins.  For one thing, she reads outside of the evangelical "safe zone" and it shows.  Her religion is not my religion, but she's good at what she does, and she's an amazing relief after some of the screaming sanctified dumpster fires I've been reading.  Even so, the best stuff I’m reading right now is an occasional chapter of one of the fanfics I’ve been meaning to read for ages.  

Oh hey, and I also started taking an online university course, because I make hilariously bad decisions.  

So yeah.  I'm just kind of going BLLLAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH right now, and it is entirely my own fault.  It will be better... not this time tomorrow, this time tomorrow I will be bored out of my skull and desperately hungry, but I hope shortly thereafter.

[uselessravenclaw]

I have been bad at mornings for a LONG time, like, since high school (I’m 28 now). I always wake up tired and have to force myself out of bed (if I can) and do something to wake myself up, like eat a food or drink a coffee, maybe shower.

With an adult job and a medium-length commute of about 20 minutes, I had days where I was forcing my eyes open and keeping myself awake on the drive into work. It was exhausting.

With a new job and a slightly longer commute of about 35 minutes, depending on traffic, this exhaustion at the wheel became more serious. At first, when I was still shiny and new and excited about the new job, the joy of going to a job I loved kept me awake, and arriving kept me happy and alert.

I’ve been working this new job for a little over 8 months, and around month 5 or 6, although I still loved my job, the exhaustion at the wheel started getting bad. I started waking up as I was driving on the highway thanks to the rumblers on the side of the road (idk what they’re called). I had always joked about how tired I was to my co-workers, because to me, this was normal. I assumed everybody dealt with this unless they were “morning people”.

When I started mentioning that I was falling asleep for a second or two while driving (again, I thought it was normal), my coworkers started to tell me “hey, maybe work from home if you think you’re going to fall asleep while you drive.”

At first I didn’t. Again, this was so normal to me that I didn’t think anything of it. I saw the memes online about living in a constant state of exhaustion or how tired people were all the time and I literally thought everybody felt like that.

I happened to talk to my doctor about a different issue I was having, where my heart would beat hard and fast to the point of pain, and my resting heartbeat tended to be over 100 bpm. They asked about a few other things, and then asked about my sleep.

“I mean, I wake up a lot, like maybe three or four times a night. My roommate says I’m a loud snorer.”

“Do you feel rested when you wake up in the morning?”

I laughed. “Does anybody?”

They looked at me, half laughing, half serious. “I mean, yeah? When’s the last time you got a good night’s sleep?”

I could hardly believe it. I literally thought that getting a good night’s sleep was a myth, something that pharmaceutical companies took advantage of to sell sleeping medication. My answer: “I dunno, maybe a few years ago?” It had been such a strange feeling to wake up feeling rested that I still remembered.

So my doctor sends me to another doctor and after asking about my sleep with similar questions, like “do you wake up feeling rested?” And “how many times a night do you wake up?” Etc. It takes less than 5 minutes of these questions before he says “you almost definitely have sleep apnea.”

“So... how do we fix that?”

He explained about the CPAP machine, how he used one himself.

“You’re going to love it,” he said. “You’re going to sleep well.”

I know it’s stupid to get emotional about the possibility of having sleep apnea, but I’ve sort of been walking around feeling like if that’s what it is, my life will literally change SO. MUCH. Getting a good night’s sleep all the time? I can’t even imagine. I used to think that people who took melatonin were foolish, buying into the idea of “a good night’s sleep.”

My sleep study is July 30th. It’s a long time to wait (I’m going on vacation), but I’m so excited. I can’t believe I might start having a good night’s sleep. I can’t believe that that concept is even real and not a myth. I can’t believe I might not have to shout along with the lyrics to Hamilton in my car on my way to work just to make sure I stay awake.

Anyways, this was a super long post but the point is that if you’re not sleeping well, talk to your doctor. Also, a good night’s sleep is actually a real thing.

[brickeens]

so I’ve been p quiet the last couple of months and I have some things I’ve been meaning to mention for some time, which is some cool news and some not cool news

so the cool news is a thing that’s been in the works since late last year: in celebration of my health improvements, vb (@phantoon​) is coming here in july to stay for two weeks, it’s going to be the first time I’ve had an internet friend come to ireland, and let’s face it the best part is that he’s going to get the full ginger cat experience and I’m excited, also I’m hoping to give him a good tour of the irish countryside

the bad news: because my life likes to play cruel jokes, my health has taken something of a nose-dive because I’ve been having bad problems with my sleep for over two months now and I’m really getting worried

so I’ve been on the cpap treatment for my sleep apnea since mid 2015 and it’s worked really well for me, once I started it I really couldn’t go a night without it bc my sleep quality is so terrible otherwise

back this february I mentioned I needed a new mask for my cpap machine because of trouble I was having and I got that and things went back to normal briefly, but then my sleep quality completely deteriorated again and didn’t improve

I started to notice that it felt like the pressure the machine was providing was lower than it used to be so I tried changing the filter but that did nothing, so I contacted the support people and they got me to try a few things over a few days but none of those worked either, so then they got me to post them the SD card for the machine (which records the data for each night, pressure, how my breathing was, etc) so they could take a look at that

the data from the card came back completely normal so ?????????? at that point they very kindly offered to swap the machine with another one (not a brand new one bc they’re rented things but yeah) so I had it exchanged with another one, and it made NO DIFFERENCE whatsoever

after telling them about that they even had a nurse who specialises in cpap treatment call over and she checked the machine and my mask and everything but it all looked normal, so I’m left completely flabbergasted

I SWEAR something isn’t working the way it used to be bc my sleep quality is horrible, and I swear the pressure from the machine isn’t what it used to be but if that’s the case how did replacing it make no difference and also why does the data from the machine all come back normal ?????????????? the damn thing can even tell how many times you stop breathing during the night, and it’s saying my apnea levels are extremely low which should mean my sleep quality is great

the only option left is changing the machine settings to a much higher pressure, but the settings are prescribed by my doctor and can only be changed with their permission, so I really need to see my sleep specialist ASAP except she’s in the process of retiring so I may or may not be able to get an appointment and if I don’t, seeing a new doctor will only take even longer

the worst part: part of the summer plan is/was to have my driver’s license in order to go adventuring in the irish countryside. my new driving test is this friday so just two days away, and I’m gonna be doing that having not had a good night’s sleep in over two months. if I fail this one I’m not going to be able to get another one before july. and like honestly, if I fail the test a second time and can’t go driving in july I can get over that, but I’m getting really worried that my sleep issues aren’t going to be resolved before then either which is really going to ruin the summer plans

in conclusion my life is a disaster turbo swag