#can someone please help

[badlandsdeluxeedition]

GUYS why does my ex want back a birthday gift she gave me over a year ago???

[ghost-proofbaby]

you'd think at this point i'd have a damn bookmark on the sensitive ears fic for eddie since every few months i start going feral for it like a rabid dog

[cadaverre]

THE ISSUE IS I DONT KNOW WHAT I WANT!! IM YOUNG IM DUMB I DONT EVEN KNOW IF I CAN FEEL ANYMORE!!

[ehatnow]

Marx's hat will be the end of me

[palewolfcheesecake-blog]

help????? what are they doing here i don't understand

[r0ttingsystem]

Happy disability pride month, could someone please help?

We're neurologically (is that the correct word? I have no idea) disabled and have been noticing some things that seem like symptoms of a physical disability

Could someone help us figure out if we classify as physically disabled or if we're just weird (this has been bothering us for a while now)or even if it's another type of mental disability somehow

The "symptoms" we've been noticing are

"phantom splinters", we really frequently feel like we've stepped on a piece of glass or a splinter but when we actually haven't stepped on anything, or it happens while we're not walking

The outer side of our thighs feel numb almost at all time(not sure if this is a symptom, the only reason we're not counting it as one is because it's new ig??)

Our legs (honestly our whole body) get numb/tingly???yk the feeling (not a native English speaker, the word in our language translates to, roughly, feels like there's ants all over it lol) very very easily (our partner has this issue too and they're physically disabled)

Most of the time we can walk in a straight line but our legs can't??? Like we can go in a straight line but our legs move weirdly, they go in front of each other, step to the side, they they just move weird????and it feels weird to walk

Other times we can't walk in a straight line even if we try

Sometimes our legs buckle, causing us to almost fall

Or we stumble around

On multiple occasions the moment we've gotten up/taken a step we've immediately fallen to the ground due to our legs being paralyzed (and I don't think a normal)

Uhhh I think that's all? Whatever this brings in happy disability pride month again

-🍃

[systemsteamjunk]

Long Bad Therapy Rant

I will be leaving my therapist as soon as I can get any sort of assessments that she will agree to. This past session she stopped listening to me to google (google!!!) whether or not aspergers was still a "valid diagnosis" when I mentioned that I was pretty sure it wasn't. She then said it was only around June this year that it stopped being a valid diagnosis (I did not check but a lot of my autistic friends were like ??¿? it has been at least 5 if not closer to 10 years according to several many other professionals) and said she thought maybe I had that and not "full blown autism". I was talking about having others front and introduce themselves to my partner/my partner mentioning someone else being out and asking if I knew who it was, how I had been losing time and only able to 'know' vaguely what happened during that time instead of having any actual memory of it or not knowing at all and having my partner fill me in (if they were around; I lose a lot of time when they're at work so then I just kinda have to guess based on what the situation is and what changed between my last memory and present awareness) when I returned from dissociation station and she goes "I don't think you have DID, you don't lose time or have amnesia, maybe you are just depersonalized or splintering. I worked with someone who had DID once and he used to pretend to be Batman so I had the police watch him." Part of the reason I started seeing a therapist was to try and find ways to retain memory and she said we'll start with the fact that you have no memory of anything before high school and we'll do that by Asking Your Family For A Rundown Of Your Trauma (which I did one thing with and then she refused to help me process it when I asked for help and I Know that asking for a Quick Lil Timeline of trauma is a bad idea for me). Also did not know what OSDD was when I mentioned I started looking into these things because I had a friend with OSDD. Referred to alters as "characters". Also mentioned my issues with sensory overload and she was like "okay so what you do, right, is focus on all five of you senses" which maybe could work in some situations but I think if I am starting to experience sensory overload in public and then focus on what I can feel I will end up ripping off my socks and shirt and panicking. Yesterday I went to a work party with my fiancee and I was like "I cut out some sensory things and then when I got home I decompressed by doing as little looking, listening, smelling, tasting, and feeling as possible" and I think if I hadn't done that I still would be unable to put clothes on. Neither of these (autism or any specific dissociative disorder) are things that I feel I personally am able to self-dx so I do want some assessments done (even if she won't refer me to someone to do assessments for dissociative disorders, it would be helpful to get a general assessment; I will still be leaving even if that's the only one I get) and I am pretty sure I am part of a system and would just like some guidance on what to be looking into and would like a diagnosis to help when I'm dealing with Big Doubt Times and also to be able to look for someone who maybe specializes in whichever dissociative disorder I have or to get a more solid "you are not part of a system and should look into X instead". This woman literally thinks that all I have is anxiety (I am diagnosed with GAD, MDD, and PTSD) and apparently "aspergers" and anxiety is the only thing that needs treatment when the majority of my anxiety is managed with medication and things I have learned from other therapists.

[trashpanda918]

Ugh plssssss

I’ll be good I promise 🥺🥺

[devils-your-minion]

TVL teaser is hilarious to me. I think everyone expected rockstar Lestat to come out full glam looking the best he’s ever looked, but that man is having the vampire equivalent of a mid life crisis. He has not left his disaster hovel breakup era at all, he’s just being camp about it now. I’ve never wanted him more.

[lucabyte]

On autonomy, and what it means to be Obliged to Help.

Bonus:

[lazylittledragon]

ok someone please correct me if i'm wrong but am i weird for thinking those 'audiobooks don't count as reading' posts are ableist as fuck????

[crismakesstuff]

cast out of paradise

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

[doggirl-narcolepsy]

Remaking this post because my old blog got nuked

Hey my old blog @doggirlnarcolepsy got terminated in the recent trans fem tumblr purge, so I'll be posting from this url from now on. Unless tumblr decides to reverse their rash and uncalled for decision, I guess...

Me and my wife have been struggling make ends meet this month and have an unpaid internet and power bill totaling at $225 that urgently need to be paid off or collection agencies will make our life a living hell recouping the charges and fees we will incur. (You can read the original post @queensizeddonger for more detail)

We haven't been able to pick up our hormones or my wife's ozempic yet, as we've been putting aside everything we've received to cover the overdue bills. We've haven't been able to cover groceries either for a while so we've been going days on and off without dinner as our only meal trying to ration what we have left.

Everything has just been so chaotic these last couple of weeks negotiating with utility companies for extensions, barely eating and tumblr nuking my blog out of literally nowhere.. If anyone is able to help out it would be a huge relief for the both of us and we would be incredibly grateful

P*yp*l: QueenSizedDonger

[tiredsmashbros]

im cooking ya'll i'm cooking oh my god my back hurts UIHJOK

fanart of @maxxii11's ADORABLE ASS SMG34 PIECE BC OH MY GOD I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT /SRS.

anywho i hope u enjoy this max just as much as i do xD 💛

[stormsthatrage]

Have a Bleach extended-winter-war time-travel-fix-it idea. In this AU Kaien's death happened before the whole turn-back-the-pendulum arc. (Yes, another Bleach time-travel AU, I know, shut up.)

As Ichigo and Kisuke are planning to go back to the past, Kisuke makes sure to emphasize to Ichigo that they have to protect Shiba Kaien. Apparently, it's of the utmost importance.

Ichigo doesn't know exactly how Kaien's continued well-being plays into saving the future. Kisuke never really explains it, or gives him a straight answer when he asks. But Ichigo knows that the Shiba Clan-Head carried a great deal of political power, and Ichigo also knows that Kaien -- according to Kukaku and Rukia -- was highly competent, incredibly noble, and fundamentally kind. It's not exactly unintuitive that a person like that could be important to bringing down Aizen.

So Ichigo listens, when Kisuke tells him to protect Shiba Kaien. He memorizes how Kaien died in the original timeline. He's attentive as Kisuke reiterates for the thousandth time that Aizen will keep trying to assassinate Kaien until he succeeds. He takes notes when Kisuke hypothesizes about what Aizen's various assassination attempts might look like -- poison during a meal, hired assassins at night, an ambush during a mission.

Ichigo ingrains the assignment into his core: protect Shiba Kaien, because if Kaien falls, the mission fails.

So when Kisuke slips a paralytic into Ichigo's tea and places Ichigo in the middle of the time-travel kido array and drains the entirety of his own spiritual energy to activate the array, a sacrifice that Ichigo never would have agreed to--

Well. The first thing Ichigo does when he arrives back in the past, numb and alone and only able to function by focusing on the duty that is his purpose -- is track down Shiba Kaien.

After all, if Ichigo is going to kill Aizen -- and he is, no matter what it takes -- he needs to keep Kaien alive.

Ichigo goes straight to the Shiba family grounds. In true Shiba fashion, they accept him immediately as family. They tend to his wounds and give him a meal and welcome him home. They let him get away with his weak excuses and explanations, and they defend his presence to the rest of Soul Society.

Kaien, in accordance with everything Ichigo has heard about the man, personally takes the newest addition to the family under his wing.

Ichigo's plans to deal with Aizen take shape around his need to keep an eye on Kaien.

Ichigo, instead of running as far and fast as he can from the Shiba clan, accepts the offer to live in the Shiba compound. He gets to know every clan member and retainer, subtly vetting for traitors. He sleeps in a room near Kaien's, allowing him to both guard against assassins at night and place warding runes around Kaien's door without having to worry about being caught somewhere he has no business being.

He joins the Court Guard in the 13th division instead of the 5th, because the only real way to protect Kaien on a mission is to be there with him. Ichigo knows that if there's an ambush, or if the mission details have been tampered with, he'll be more than enough fire power to get Kaien out of it. And it's easy to always get paired with Kaien; Kaien -- reliably taking every opportunity to hover around Ichigo that he's offered -- does most of the work, leveraging his status as lieutenant and Ichigo's combat ability to keep them together.

Ichigo finds himself frequently taking meals with Kaien and Kaien's friends. Kaien always invites Ichigo, and Ichigo accepts so he can subtly check the food for poison.

(Ichigo does not tell Kaien about Aizen. Ichigo is still unsure what Kaien's role is in the whole fight, and in the meantime, telling him about Aizen is a sure way to get him killed.)

Things heat up. Ichigo prevents both Miyako and Kaien's death, killing Metastacia before it can hurt anyone. Ichigo's shadow war against Aizen gets more intense. Ichigo sneaks out regularly to dismantle Aizen's illusions, destroy his labs, and attack his network of power, slowly weakening him.

Ichigo waits for the assassination attempts against Kaien, but they don't come, even several weeks after Metastacia fails. Ichigo takes it as a sign that he's got Aizen distracted.

Things continue for a while. Ichigo falls into a strange routine.

(And Ichigo tries not to break, seeing so many of his loved ones alive and unknowing of him. It is agony, to be around Shunsui, who is not his mentor, and the Visored, who are neither visored nor pack.

But the worst is when Captains Urahara and Shihouin catch on to his war against Aizen. He finds himself working with them as allies.

Allies. Mere allies, instead of --

Well. Not that it matters anymore.

All that matters is his duty.)

Time passes. Aizen weakens. There are no attempts on Kaien's life yet.

And then Aizen's web has unraveled enough for Ichigo to attack.

It's a long battle. It's a bloody battle. It's a very public battle.

Ichigo wins.

And it's only after it's all over -- after Aizen's crimes are revealed and Soul Society is at peace and the future is saved; after Ichigo finds himself still alive and adrift, with nothing left obligating him to keep going and everything telling him to give up; as Kaien refuses to leave Ichigo alone and escorts him to regular appointments with Unohana and forces him to talk about the truth of his past --

It's only then that it clicks.

Ichigo is whispering secrets about the future into Kaien's chest, Kaien's arms wrapped tight around him, when Ichigo confesses that he messed up, that he put the Shiba clan in unnecessary danger. Ichigo tells Kaien about his death in the original timeline. He talks about how Kisuke told him that in this timeline, Aizen would try and kill Kaien again if the first attempt failed. Ichigo promises desperately that he never would have sought out the family -- would have kept the danger far, far away from them -- if he hadn't thought he had to watch Kaien's movements so closely.

And Ichigo admits that Aizen never actually tried again. Ichigo admits that he and Kisuke miscalculated, that Ichigo brought danger to the Shiba's doorstep for nothing.

It happens like this:

First, the words leave his lips, "Kisuke" and "miscalculated" in the same sentence. Hearing himself say it lays bare the absurdity of its premise.

Then, Kaien draws away slightly, to look Ichigo in the eyes. Ichigo sees, plain on Kaien's face, a terrible, damning gratefulness.

Then, Kaien says -- fierce and defiant in the face of what could have been -- "I am so glad you came home."

And it clicks. At last, Kisuke's final manipulation reveals itself to Ichigo's eyes.

The emotions flash through him: the sting of betrayal; a flavor of love that bursts across his tastebuds as hurt; a familiar brand of exasperation that, a split second later, has his knees giving out under the weight of old pain made fresh.

Kaien catches Ichigo before he hits the ground and holds him as he shatters. And Ichigo can barely breathe through the knowledge that Kisuke would have been so smug to see them.

A sob rips itself from Ichigo's chest, and it's followed by another, and another.

Ichigo's older cousin holds him, in the home of their family, through it all.

_________

THE END except not really.

This must immediately be followed by a whole arc where Kaien, much to his own dismay, finds himself trying to hook Urahara up with his little cousin.

After all, Future-Urahara sent Ichigo to the Shiba clan. Future-Urahara tricked his little cousin into bypassing his own self-destructive tendencies to seek out family and love and support. Clearly, Urahara would actually be good for Ichigo.

And, you know, Ichigo clearly loves Younger-Urahara, judging by Ichigo's whole... well, everything, whenever the two interact.

(This whole matchmaking endeavor is made easier by the fact that 1) Kisuke is already infatuated, fascinated, and not a tiny-bit madly in love, and 2) Yoruichi is also, from the other end, trying to set Kisuke up with Ichigo.

This whole endeavor is made more difficult by the fact that 1) Ichigo is in denial that he loves this younger Kisuke since he never thought this younger Kisuke could also fall in love with him, 2) Kisuke is in denial that he loves Ichigo because that is a Shiba and he himself is a creepy low-born ex-assassin mad-scientist, and 3) neither Ichigo nor Kisuke know what it looks like when someone is interested in them.)

Poor Kaien. He succeeds eventually, but not before witnessing truly legendary social ineptitude.