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astrolaurical · 11 months

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RM’S CHAOTIC LOVE LIFE ANALYZED IN SONG LYRICS

This is all alleged and speculation. No relationships are proven true until confirmed by the idols themselves or their agencies. Do not take this personally or too seriously. This is just an extreme over-analysis of song lyrics and observations I have made about idol interactions from years of being a K-Pop fan. This is a work in progress- RM has like a million songs and I am constantly going back and rediscovering new meaning in lyrics and adding to the song list. So buckle up, get a snack and a drink because I basically typed an 12 page thesis.

Indigo track-by-track analyses link

Favorite Girl (2012)- girl broke up with him over a letter in the winter

Thinkin Bout U- mentions red converse high girl

Coffee (2013)-bitter over breakup bc became idol?

Blanket kick (2014)- keep being/acting embarrassing around crush/gf and admits a lot of songs about her- possibly about yerin?

Miss right (2014)- maybe about yerin? possibly about wishing to be in ideal relationship but can’t bc idol

Where did you come from (2014)-superficial love

Boy in luv (2014)- unrequited love and changing oneself to try to get her affections

Danger (2014)-unaffectionate/uncaring gf not putting her all in the relationship

Intro:what am I to you (2014)-relationship started out too intense so gf put up barriers and shut bf out

Converse high (2015), converse high (predebut) -song that I believe is about yerin from 15&

Run (2015)- giving your all to someone who doesn’t appreciate it

Hold me tight (2015)-knows breakup is about to occur but wants to rekindle feelings from beginning of relationship

I NEED U (2015)- how because of this girl, they are becoming ruined and they want out of the relationship. However, they cannot bring themselves to leave and begs her to break it off for him. They are going through hell because of this relationship yet they keep coming back.

Autumn leaves (2016)- refusing to move on from breakup

Love is not over (2016)-refusing to move on from breakup where girl clearly didn’t love him/ she was toying with him or realized that hookups don’t satisfy them bc only last the night and person only theirs when they are physically in the bed

Blood sweat tears (2016)- addicted to sex with someone

Dilemma (2016)- gf feeling like stranger as she becomes distant but rm still refuses to let go bc he loves her

13430 (2018)-galactic ode to lovers whose bond dwindles, eventually breaking aloof.

Fake love (2018)- “I’m so sick of this fake love” Pretty self explanatory. The same message will be repealed in “Her” and “Closer”.

Her (2018)- the person they are in love with doesn't know the real them, only the mask they put on

Truth untold (2018)- It speaks of the singer putting on a mask to see the one that they love. They create a facade to hide behind so the object of their affection doesn’t see their broken and damaged side. They are afraid that their love will leave them because of their hidden side. They have a love, but it is fake love because they aren’t being real and so because they did not have the courage to show their love their real self, they left. They are left sitting in their ruined dream reminiscing about what would’ve happened if things turned out differently.

Im fine (2018)- a little self growth yay! Went from “save me” to “I’m fine”

Euphoria (2018)- happiness associated with young love and new beginnings. There are some underlying tones of feelings of how their love is fake and not based on attraction

Waste it on Me (2018)- a hopeless and hopeful love affair. While one side of the relationship labels the concept of love as a waste, the other strongly advocates for the pursuit.

Jamais Vu (2019)- can never do right by gf so want another chance

Crying over you (2019)- breakup but each person is mature enough to let go of each other and sending wishes that their ex would find a better person whom perfectly fit for them.

TOMORROW X TOGETHER - 0X1=LOVESONG (I Know I Love You) (2021)- apparently RM had part in writing this song. He must have been loved up in his couple ring era because this song screams honeymoon stage. Clearly it didn't last based on the angry songs in this list that came afterward.

Young Love (2022)- We don’t know which of the members this viewpoint is about, so I will include this song just to be safe

SEXY NUKIM (2022)- you know the part I’m referring to… Girl you can keep it low While we do the ride I'll apply you tonight Ain't gotta DM 'Cause you heard about my team”

Closer (2022)- Namjoon, man. Will you ever learn your lesson?! You can’t replace sex with love! And you know it too. You’ve written like 20 songs about this very thing.

Change pt. 2 (2022)- MANS HEXED HIS EX LMAOOO. I WOULD BE SCARED SHITLESS. “SOMEDAY A GREAT GRIEF WILL DO COME FOR YOU AND THEN YOULL KNOW IT TOO THATS ALL I CAN SAY TO YOU. YOU CANT LOVE SOMEONE LIKE I DO”

Smoke Sprite (2022)- Honey, what you doin' in my bed? Yeah, Uh, baby, welcome to my favorite place, yes→ RM said 2022 IS THE YEAR I LET EVERYONE KNOW IM NOT A VIRGIN

Dont ever say love me (2023)- “I wanna die when youre next to me” like man wants to breakup so bad because even when youre around him you give him the ick

WHO ARE THE SONGS ABOUT?

ANONYMOUS PRE-DEBUT CITIZEN

RM admitted to having a girlfriend in highschool during a 2015 episode of Problematic Men. He said it was a short-lived relationship because she had too many male friends and was causing him to be jealous. Speaking of 2015, notice how the other men are rushing him to try and slip up and admit that he is dating? Or admit that he would write a letter to a sweetheart? That goes into my theory about Yerin below, with the timelines matching up in 2015. RM is notoriously TOO honest and his Problematic Men hyungs knew it, with Namjoon probably gushing about his girlfriend at after-taping 회식, and were wanting him to slip up and spill on air. RM finally admitted that he would write a song for his crush on White Day (cough cough Converse High cough cough).

YERIN

While BTS has never had a confirmed partner since debut, Baek Yerin is the only rumored girlfriend RM has had tabloids write about. Yerin is the only one of the three women I’m the most confident about in this analysis that he has had a relationship with. I am fairly certain that RM has a crush on Hwasa, and that Chaeyoung has a crush on RM.

Yerin’s entire 2019 album “Every letter I sent you.” seems to be a reflection of the passionate love (and toxic) affair her and Namjoon had when they were around ages 18/19-20/21. It could be possible they dated even as early as when Namjoon was 16 if his earlier unreleased love songs are about her, as well. That’s highly unlikely, as Yerin is the same age as Jungkook, 3 years younger than Namjoon.

Her songs often mention tons of sex, drunken nights, smoking, and fights. This sounds highly out of character for Namjoon (minus the sex and a little bit of drinking). There are rumors that some BTS members smoked, though it’s not confirmed who they are and if they still do. (Edit: Taehyung was officially confirmed to have smoked after pictures of him smoking at the 2022 Grammys were leaked. There were also numerous other occasions where he was holding a vape in his hand, but nothing as big as this “Grammys smoking scandal” went as viral. Jungkook is also confirmed to smoke after his vape was revealed in a Weverse live. Suga alludes to him being a constant smoker in his song “Haegeum”, and he does hold that cigarette like a seasoned pro… but the cig reference was mainly a call out to overprotective fans who think they they can tell other people what they can do with their bodies.)

They most likely had a karmic relationship- an intense but PAINFUL relationship that will rip you out and spit you out. Every hidden side of you is revealed through sex and intimacy, but it is so intense, that you cannot be with the person forever but you feed off of each other’s brokenness. I’m sure if you asked them about what they learned from that relationship, they would say they learned SO MUCH about life, love, and self.

It (allegedly) definitely seems like Namjoon broke up with her around 2015-2016 after the success of I NEED U, when BTS became busier and he had less time to spend with her. From the timeline of BTS songs, I would place their relationship anywhere from 2012-2015. While he was heartbroken for YEARS after this (see the above listed songs, the longest list off all 3 lyrics lists), he has now come to terms with it. It seems like Yerin has come to terms with it as well, as this blog post breaks down each song meaning beautifully. It seems like Yerin has found a box of diaries or love letters from this relationship and has written songs in chronological order of the entire timeline, from beginning to end, with the last song talking about her getting closure with viewing the memories and how the two were not meant to be.

Yerin states that “This album reflects memories, dilemmas, and thought processes I had from when I was nineteen to twenty three.” She is currently 24 years old Korean age (23 years old standard age at the time that I wrote this in 2020, she would be 26 years old in 2023 now). This would put the beginning of the album at 19 years old in 2014 to 23 years in 2018. The timeline does match.

Maybe its not our fault (2019)- how partners in relationship slowly started to drift apart

0310- sex cant save a relationship

It’s like I dont know myself (2017)- the more he probes the more she loses herself and him

Meant to Be (2019)- about namjoon 100000% id bet my life on it. Him saying they’re meant to be, he’s kind.

Across the Universe (2015)- hes slipping away but shes clinging to him

Mr. Gloomy (2019)- talking about how hes so melancholy and loves rainy days (Namjoon forever rain)

Bye Bye My Blue (2016)- becoming resentful of Namjoon’s growing fame while her career is stagnant

“Cuz I’m afraid to say things I want to say. I push you away and make things uncomfortable”

CAN I BE U (2019)- most likely a response to I NEED U

His Ocean (2016)- NJ trying to get a deep connection but Yerin resisting. Namjoon also has a fascination with oceans and always mentions it in lyrics.

“I'm not good at emptying my heart. It's not as easy as it sounds. But why do you keep asking me to do something I can't? There's a lot that has built up in my heart. I can't get rid of it and I'm always frustrated”

Amy (2019)- apologizing for the hardships she put him through in the relationship and admitting she buys all their albums and that their Love Yourself campaign has helped her (allegedly)

Popo (2019) - saying how intoxicated she is with the man (his eyes, his scent, his voice). If the song is about NJ, I mean, same girl. The man in the song wrote her a song and played it for her.

“You'll never know How much your voice attracts me, boy. It's exceptional Especially When you're playing the song for me. I can't take my eyes away”

Datoom (2019)- Reflecting on how much they argued before they broke up

Not a girl (2019) - seoulbeats (linked above) sums up this song perfectly: “Yerin wanting to speak up for herself against a lover who doesn’t seem to truly be for her. There lies a misunderstanding between who he attempts to see her as, versus who she believes she truly is.”

“Can’t be what you want. I can’t be what you were. I can’t say I have done so many things but now. Can’t be good enough”

Newsong2 (2019)- "Want to be just like you once. Make it up if I do wrong. Ignore and leave the silence". Make up and brush it under the rug.

Point (2019)- insecure partner in love keeps questioning her love

London (2019)-partner is trying to idealize her and is not seeing her for who she is

HWASA

It does seem that Namjoon has a thing for Cancers, if my and others’ speculations about his dating life are true. Both Yerin and Hwasa are Cancer suns. While Namjoon’s Cancer Mars is in his 8th house and plays a predominant role in his life and relationships, it is clear to see why he is drawn to Cancer sun individuals. But remember, the 8th house is death and rebirth. Karmic relationships.

Hwasa and Namjoon do have a lot of similarities, from not only looking similar (face, tan, thicc), but to being criticized by fans and media alike (tan, ignorance. RM has apologized and grown from his mistakes. Still waiting on Hwasa’s genuine apology since she continues to appropriate… and do blackface). Both are also highly sexual beings.

While the man in her songs has characteristics that sound a lot like him, so do many other anonymous citizens of Seoul like Hwasa stated. She makes her ex sound like he was available whenever to come and see her, and RM being part of the biggest boy group on the planet doesn’t have much free time, even though his personality is very empathetic and giving. The only reason I included her is because a lot of other people seem to think there was something going on between the two, whether it was a FWB situation or brief one-month romance. I will admit I do not keep up with Mamamoo or Hwasa at all so these are the only songs I know by her. I have heard rumors that she has been in a steady relationship with a man like 10 years older than her and is in a prominent position, like a ceo or something? All alleged, of course. You can never really trust that stuff.

Twit (2019)- how Hwasa wants her lover to not be so passive, loving, and predictable, but take charge and surprise her. This song seems the most likely of Hwasa’s songs to be about NJ because Yerin and BTS’s songs about exes have mentioned the man giving so much of himself into the relationship that he loses himself. Hwasa fans speculate that Twit may be about Loco, as he was VERY chivalrous and swooned over her every time they worked together.

“You give me a lot, but why are you the only one feeling unhappy? Because you breathe only for me. You look so lonely”

Why (2020)- missing her ex, most likely the lover from Twit

“You're my hero. We have many similarities, like a mirror”

Kidding (2020)- sarcastic remarks to a cheating ex and his new lover. Not quite sure if this is about Namjoon because his natal chart doesn’t really have any aspects linking to cheating, but natal charts aren’t the end-all-be-all. Everyone still has free will, and he very well may have cheated.

“Of course you must have been busy. You two falling in love. It’s an old thing that’s thrown out after one use. You’re going to regret it soon. Isn’t it so ironic?”

CHAEYOUNG

Another slightly uncomfortable pattern in all of these alleged “exes” is that RM likes to date younger women, as every single “ex-girlfriend” listed here is younger than him. Namjoon was born in 1994, Hwasa in 1995, Yerin in 1997…. and Chaeyoung in 1999. Namjoon… dude. Chaeyoung is a Taurus, which vibes well with his Virgo sun. Namjoon also has his descendant in Taurus, which is what he looks for in a marriage partner. I don’t have any of the girls’ birth times, but standard 1200 time all results in negative match scores, showing that the majority of Namjoon and each individual girl’s natal chart did not sync well for a compatible match.

Whenever there are multiple fan videos of idol ships, take notice. Weed out the delusional ones but pay attention to ones that seem plausible after researching the K-Pop industry and how idols get away with dating. Idols have confirmed that looking at each other is a form of flirting when at award shows. And there are plenty of clips of RM and Chaeyoung doing just that. Chaeyoung has written her own rap lyrics but mostly it is about a crush and then immediately to heartbreak, so clearly the relationship didn’t last long. The song timelines from crush (2016) to regret (2018) show a brief interlude of happiness and touching (2017). My guess is that after pursuing RM for quite some time, he gave in and hooked up with her, but she wanted more and got her heart broken.

Precious Love (2016)- apologizing and asking scorned ex to come back

“I’m so sorry. Please come back. Do you still feel the same? Have you still not forgiven me? Have the scars I’ve given you Not healed yet? Or have you replaced me With someone else? Is there no place for me In your heart anymore?”

Daring Woman (2016)- she’s young but stop pushing her away

Eye Eye Eyes (2017)- describing a crush she has on someone. Mentions white tee shirt and jeans that he likes, possible reference to converse high

“Ocean-like eyes, I’ll swim in them. Yeah yeah yeah. Everyone knows his pretty eye-smile. I want it to myself. Yeah yeah yeah. Your heart is ice I’ll melt you” and “Do men like White shirt with jeans and most importantly long hair”

Missing U (2017) -ex promised her the world then broke her heart. A recurring theme throughout all 3 girl’s lyrics, hmmmm maybe the ex in Namjoon’s songs isn’t the problem, then?

“You promised me And I foolishly believed. But when you left, you had no guilt. But still I miss you. Miss you baby”

Sweet Talker (2018)- I have a very tiny suspicion this might be about more than one BTS member since Jeonghyeon was involved in the writing process. RM is known for choosing his words carefully, being a smooth talker when it comes to flirting and being a poetic genius.

“You seduced me with your sweet words. You made my heart beat with your clear eyes” and “Your words were as clear as the sky. Your words had no feelings”

The only confirmed relationship I know that Chae was in was with that scumbag tattoo artist that drew those lewd drawings of Chae giving him head and posted it for the world to see and she got so much hate because of it. Thank goodness they’re not together anymore.

This is where I had last stopped in my draft. It says the last edit was December 6, 2020 lmao. So some things I had previously said I may disagree with now but I'm leaving up as I like to see how my thoughts have changed over the years. For example, I now do not think that Chaeyoung or RM ever dated, and that she just had an extreme crush on him. I mean, girl same. Yerin I still believe 100% dated him as she broke formal speech on TELEVISION and called him a pet name. The only reason that wasn't a bigger deal is that both were unknown artists back in 2015. Hwasa, I am on the fence about. I see more reaction videos of Taehyung being the ass man that he is lusting over her than RM. I wouldn't let my buddy thirst over my girl but RM is pretty chill about it. Granted they are in public and being filmed, but even if he did talk to Tae about it, V still did it over and over. Weird, no? So that is why i lean more towards that Hwasa and RM probably didnt officially date, but maybe were just fuck buddies?

Now onto RM’s love life that DID make news:

COUPLES RING

I really wish I had kept a better timeline of him wearing that ring, sigh. The only things I can really find online of him wearing that ring started the whole “namjoon married” ordeal were around September 2020 when that infamous video of him taking it off before going on air surfaced, making it look hella suspicious. I definitely remember him wearing that ring for maybe the entirety of Dynamite promotions? The Dynamite era went from August 25, 2020- December 3, 2021 according to BTS Wiki. This was like peak COVID time and I was an essential worker so I admittedly wasn’t keeping up with BTS that closely and instead was just trying to make it through the day. He was talking about having kids a lot during this time too, and that one live of him showing off the baby shoes did not help his case that he is already married with kids. Namjoon did seem to get in on the joke though by trolling us and posting that photo of him and a little girl with her face covered.

There were also terrible rumors going around during this time that he was gay. Namjoon clearly has a very close guy friend and likes to take pictures with said best friend to preserve memories. To respect his non-famous friend’s privacy, he puts emojis over their face on the photos. Some of the emojis were hearts. Thus the shipping and speculation began. RM eventually stopped posting photos with this friend at all and then deleted all of them.

FIANCEE

June 24, 2022… the day when all Namjoon stans had a heart attack. News broke that he was engaged. So those couple ring photos must be true, we all thought. But alas! HYBE released a statement saying “RM’s marriage rumors are not true. We are currently taking swift action against malicious rumors started on YouTube.” Namjoon himself even posted on his instagram story saying “I don’t know her.” All is well, right? Then Indigo was released… and Namjoon really meant it when he said “I don’t know her.”

It is my belief that Namjoon really was engaged to be married to the person whom he shared couple rings with and who was the lockscreen on his phone. But, based on the lyrics from his songs in the Indigo album, we know that the relationship did not end well. Based on the lyrics in “Closer” and “Change pt. 2”, it seems like she broke his heart by either 1) cheating or 2) putting up emotional barriers and saying she didn’t have feelings for him. I will dissect all songs from the Indigo album in full in a separate masterlist and will link to it here.

According to the Sojang video posted on June 23, 2022, RM’s chaebol “fiancee” was going around bragging about being engaged to the idol. Once word got out about this, they had a huge fight about how she was just using him for his fame and not for his personality. This is where I kind of believe Sojang may have sources that are true. The BTS members have had tons of fake dating rumors and have never felt the need to personally respond and always just let their company handle it. Around this time, Jungkook was being “attacked” by Sojang for fake dating rumors as well and he never responded. But Namjoon decided to go to his personal instagram and type “I don’t know her” which could be viewed in two ways: he really has never met the person Sojang is claiming he was engaged to… or he never really knew the TRUE person who he was engaged to, only the mask they wore. And we all know that Namjoon loves being petty, passive aggressive, and cryptic… even more so when it comes to his exes apparently if his songs are anything to go by. He is straight up hexing his ex at the end of “Change pt. 2”.... The breakup has definitely scarred him. While I think he has been working on healing and that the Indigo album has helped tremendously, I do think that Namjoon is now way more reluctant to love than he once was. He has even said so himself on The Dictionary of Useless Human Knowledge that he used to see himself getting married (hmmm… I bet you did), but now he is unsure if he ever will. His long letter to ARMY recently on Weverse gives me hope that he will find love again when he is ready, and he admits so himself in that letter that he won’t go searching for it but will let divine timing take place and let the chips fall where they may.

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whatifyoulivelikethat · 1 year

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not allowed xv, m | myg, jjk

pairing(s): est. poly relationship – yoongi x reader x jungkook

summary: Ah, yes, Christmas. What does this time make you think of? Giving thoughtful gifts? Aggressively festive songs? Milk and Kookie cookies? Ah, how silly of me, you're right. Your fuck-versary! That faithful day Min Yoongi sent you Jeon Jungkook as a, ahem, v horny Christmas gift. How should we celebrate? ;)

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; everyone is horny and has heart-eyes; feels+smut (fem reader, detailed m-receiving oral + tongue technology, all the kisses, various sex acts and multiple orgasms); idol!BTS - Yoongi x reader x Jungkook; reader is JK’s noona; 2022 Christmas; based on real time

part of ‘not allowed’ series, but can be read alone. basic summary: your bf asked JK to fuck you, twice, and then on the regular. blue haired JK. 2021 YG birthday, ‘Butter’, wiyllt remix. new skill acquired, JK’s sheer pj punishment, 2021 JK birthday, during PTD in LA, 2022 HNY, 2022 YG birthday, PTD in LV, 2022 JK birthday

“You would think...” For someone who could barely breathe at the moment, you were speaking evenly and casually. Calm under pressure. Most of the time. “That Jeon Jungkook is the bad boy, with all the tattoos and the motorcycle and that insanely sexy stage presence, but, actually, it’s Min Yoongi who hasn’t changed one bit.”

Said man only needed one hand to pin down your wrists as he straddled your chest. He had long fingers and they were very dexterous. He tilted his head with the lazy lift of an eyebrow, his thick, luscious black hair framing his fair face in seductive waves that glowed from the overhead lights. Normally that kind of lighting was quite unflattering, but this was SUGA of BTS. He defied all logic.

Also, Yoongi had a great dermatologist.

“That kid is a bad boy,” he replied, deep voice low and steady, his tongue tracing his upper lip slowly. He must have been taking your advice and remembering to use lip balm this winter. Good on him. “He never listens, he’s loud except when he’s supposed to be entertaining for the camera, which is then apparently prime time for napping, and, worst of all…”

You smiled. Couldn’t really move much anyway. Yoongi placed his free hand on the elastic waistband of his black joggers and looked rather peeved, which only further amused you.

“He’s late.”

He closed in his thighs, yanked his pants down, and shoved his hard cock into your open mouth.

What was better than a partridge in a pear tree?

Dick, duh.

You liked to suck dick at all angles. There were advantages to each one, but flat on your back with Yoongi leaning forward to let gravity sink him as far as possible into your throat was up there as a favorite. The whole holding down both your wrists with one hand with his other clutching the headboard was more for horny aesthetics than it was for practicality. You didn’t need your hands anyway. You expertly curled your tongue around his length, feeling him all over and licking his balls, listening to him moan as he pressed his hips forward even more, sucking in a tight breath as your throat closed in around him.

His weight was off your chest now, but you still couldn’t breathe.

You didn’t mind, really.

“Fuck…”

You ran your tongue from his balls touching your lower lip to the back of your throat, underneath the pulsing head and across the slit, really having to work for that as you felt the sides of your neck relax and expand a bit to make room for him. Rubbed in slow circles, precise and confident.

You opened one eye.

Yoongi was looking down at you. Black-brown eyes narrowed, breathing hard.

“Show-off,” he muttered.

Oh, yeah, and you aren’t?

Instead of answering your wordless question, he started fucking your face.

Slow, stable, deliberate. Matching his breathing. Too fast and that would risk making you cough or hurting you. It didn’t feel good if the pace was too quick anyway. He wanted to feel everything your mouth was doing, from the viscosity of your saliva, to your throat muscles massaging him, to your powerful tongue continuously moving, all of it creating a warm, wet sleeve to slide into every time he descended. Pleasure was better when savored.

Yoongi savored every second.

You crossed your legs and let your mouth and neck do all the work. Still fully clothed, letting your boyfriend face-fuck you also still mostly clothed, save for his pants and underwear halfway down his thighs, doing this while waiting for your other boyfriend to arrive.

Had to kill time somehow.

Yoongi growled deep in his chest. Sinful pleasure laced in the carnal sound. You sneaked a peek to see his eyes closed, his head lowered and almost touching the wall, soft pink lips open, warm breath floating down, his hand flat against the headboard. He was holding himself up with his knees, one by the right side of your head and the other under your left arm.

Maybe not the most visually pleasing angle for someone watching, but it was the best angle to get that deep suck, you know?

You brought the sides of your cheeks inward, tightening around his slick, hard shaft, pushing the sensitive, velvety head against the roof of your mouth with your tongue. His breathing was becoming irregular, laced with lust, climbing for the high. He didn’t let you control the pace. You would have made him orgasm a lot faster if you had more autonomy. It was already too fast for him. You could tell he was close by the way his eyebrows furrowed and his increasingly annoyed scowl.

“Fuck… Fuck, feels too fucking good…”

You probably shouldn’t have been turned on by your own power, but, oh well.

You lifted your head to follow his rhythm, your nimble tongue drifting from side-to-side to create additional stimulation and Yoongi hissed, fuck you, under his breath, fully aware you were in control despite him being the one driving his dick halfway down your throat. Your lips closed tight around him, additional softness rubbing against the base of the head. Your jaw and neck were definitely feeling the muscle strain, but honestly his slower pace had eased the worst of it.

This was why it was important to warm-up before every workout.

“Gonna cum… ah…”

Your name tumbling from his mouth in a soft, exasperated sigh, his head rising and tipping back, his hips thrusting down and shooting into wet tightness. Thick, twitching spurts flooding the back of your throat, closing your eyes to focus on the taste, strong and intense and now yours. Swallowing and feeling him shudder. The hand on the headboard curling and turning into a fist, whole body trembling with waves of uncontrollable ecstasy that was both orgasm and the additional stimulation of your tongue softly stroking his still-hard cock.

He let go of your wrists and placed both hands on the above the headboard, the crown of his head hitting the wall as he panted, barely holding himself up as you continued nonchalantly sucking his dick. His black hair was so long now that it covered his face, dark waves shrouding his eyes, leaving you to stare at the bottom of his chin and his open mouth, raspy exhales trickling down. You could breathe a little better now, considering he wasn’t at maximum hardness.

You heard the front door click open and then close.

Yoongi didn’t even move.

“Brr, it’s cold outsi–Hey! Come on, hyung! That’s not allowed on Christmas!”

“You’re late,” the older man grunted, his tone rough and deep. Still facing the wall as you settled your hands on his tense thighs, pulling his pants down some more so you could lap at his balls in addition to his cock. “At least be on time for Christmas.”

“Noona!”

…

You didn’t respond, mostly because you had dick in your mouth.

Honestly, it was almost strange. For many years, you had spent Christmas alone, keeping the television on with the various year-end shows playing continuously. Might as well work overtime during the holiday and watch the BTS performances when they came on. Making money wasn’t so bad. You didn’t give yourself time to be upset about seeing your boyfriend on-screen rather than having him beside you half-asleep with his phone dumped into your lap. It was what it was. Then, everything slowed down, with the pandemic and all.

And then, Yoongi gave you Jeon Jungkook as a present.

Sort of.

Well, the maknae had wanted to make out with your face for a while. The feeling was mutual, not that you were going to take it that far until Jungkook started stripping right in front of your bulging eyeballs (it had taken you a while to fully register that Yoongi was serious about this, ahem, gift). Now that you thought about it, Christmastime could be considered the… anniversary of Jungkook and you banging.

Your fuck-versary?

Sure.

It was weird to think this was normal now, sitting up after Yoongi climbed off you and scooting down into the warm and fierce embrace of Jeon Jungkook. Almost surreal, kissing that underlip mole and nuzzling his cheek, your thighs around his waist with too many layers of fabric in-between – Jungkook liked being a fabric mountain, heh – playfully knocking off his oversized bucket hat and sending his black hair fluffing out, covering his face in messy waves.

“Did you miss me, noona?”

“Of course, with your work being all hush-hush and you refuse to post even minuscule photos on Instagram, you punk.”

The younger man just laughed mischievously, because he was indeed a bad boy.

There was a time, not that long ago, when you sat alone during the holidays. Always a busy time for BTS, hustling hard when they were younger, and even busier in their rising popularity. Seeing all the photos of their smiling faces at extravagant award shows, and you had accepted that this was how life would be. You didn’t want anybody but Min Yoongi. Okay, fine. Maybe as the years went on a certain Golden Maknae was catching your eye too. Anyway! The point was, you didn’t feel upset or lonely, because this was the life Yoongi wanted, and you wanted Yoongi to have the life he wanted. You didn’t live your life yearning for what could be, but rather in the abundance of what you had (plus, you never a bad photo of Yoongi, ever, ARMY was too talented and he was too handsome).

Also, you, cough, had too many photos of Jeon Jungkook for some mysterious reason.

Yoongi noticed and he did something about it.

As for the life you wanted?

Well, for you, that life wasn’t what, but who.

You held Jungkook’s face in your hands. Your fingers fanning over his cheeks, and he beamed at you, starry brown eyes and infectious bunny-like smile. You smiled back, staring into those windows of a (superstar) glowing soul, enjoying this meaningful silence.

A fluttery feeling in your chest.

Soaring.

High like the moon, rock–

Yoongi’s mockingly disapproving face appeared over Jungkook’s shoulder, frowning at you with accompanying frowny eyebrows.

“Gross. He’s making you soft.”

You weren’t bothered.

“Someone sounds j-e-l-l-y, JK.”

The youngest snickered. “Big time jelly.”

Someone sounded grumpy. “You’re aging backwards.”

But before Yoongi could escape in faux disgust, your hand shot out and you dragged him back, running your touch over his cheek and into his luscious black hair. His inhale catching. Closer, twisting your body to bring your lips centimeters from his, meeting a falsely indifferent expression. Reading him, clear as day. Your lashes lowered, slowly trailing back up, locking eyes, taking his breath away with the way you looked at hm.

“I love admiring you too, Yoongi.”

Something shimmered in those dark feline eyes. Stop acting so suave. The corner of your lips quirked up, the hint of a wicked smirk. His cheek twitched, trying to find the right words to wrongly tease you again, but nothing came out.

You fully smirked, open-mouthed and familiar.

Yoongi leaned as far forward as Jungkook’s broad shoulder would allow him to.

“You only get away with this behavior because you’re so fucking beautiful and I love you,” he whispered, dangerous and low and smokey, binding you up with his words.

Thankfully, you didn’t mind these ropes.

“Don’t forgot to add how well I suck dick,” you purred, grinning.

Yoongi chuckled and escaped your hand, giving Jungkook back his moments with you.

You turned back to meet narrowed eyes and a childish pout.

“How come every time you look at hyung, the horny in the air increases to four-hundred percent? What’s all the sexy for?” Jungkook grumbled, squeezing your waist, his questions actually meaning, give me some of that sexy!

You rested your elbows on his shoulders and advanced, foxy smile dancing on your lips.

“Uh oh, possessive-perilla-leaf boy is coming out,” you teased.

The Golden Maknae puffed his cheeks. “I mean… You’re mine too,” he mumbled defensively.

You stroked his ear with your knuckles. “Mhm.” Exhale, letting your breath warm his cool cheek. Your lips grazing his skin, and those downcast eyes darted up, his inhale stilling as your fingernail trailed over the curve his ear, toying with his earrings. Light kisses, barely there. He shivered under them, anticipation building, gripping your waist in his large hands, and then your mouth was by his ear, speaking so softly that even he could barely hear.

“I love being yours.”

His tiny gasp getting lost in his throat. Your teeth nicking the curve of his ear. Your tongue dragging down his neck, leaving a thin wet line and following it with kisses. Faint whimper when your hands traveled all over his body. Through his hair, down his shoulders, over his arms, his sides, across his back, occasionally digging your nails in, clawing at the fabric between your touch and his skin, a graceful feral, and Jungkook was falling into that state too, reaching between your bodies, fervently pushing up hems, almost desperate.

It was coming.

Something they all had to do.

It made these memories all the more intense. You were already two people too passionate about giving their all, but even more so now as each of the dates were slowly being set.

You didn’t just kiss Jungkook. You made love to his lips. To that trembling mouth and flickering tongue, layering soft and rough, unpredictable and exciting pattern. Breathing in his clean scent, enriching the moment. The same attention to his skin, pressing your kiss to the mole on his nose, to the mole under his lower lip, the one his cheek, his neck, all over him. Hands memorizing his skin, the softness of his hair, the solidness of his fingers interlocking with yours. Every detail. All the little things, the weight of his body over yours, his laugh fluttering between shared kisses, his needy whine when your hand travelled up his inner thigh, pleading you to give him more.

The way Jungkook looked at you.

I love being yours.

In every kiss, every caress, every shared glance. Those heavenly brown eyes spoke to you as much as his body did, so obvious and natural that even he wasn’t aware that you were reading him. To him, it was magic that you knew what he wanted. You responded to his visceral desires, pushing him down on the bed and trailing love down his chest, kisses and nicks and licks, closer and closer, bringing your lips to hot, taut skin.

Your name in that silvery voice.

Promising you, always with you, still with you even if he was busy travelling the world or performing his duties.

You assured him that you heard his promise, pouring everything you were into these moments. Intense, alive, present, never taking any second of time for granted, filling those seconds with an many sensations as you could physically possibly do. Throat, tongue, lips. Your body against his tense legs, fingertips across his abs, nails digging into his sides, piercing gaze witnessing those distinctively handsome features overcome with pleasure, biting back his whines and thrusting into your mouth, losing himself in your controlling, measured pace.

You being on top meant Jungkook couldn’t escape.

You could make him cum whenever you wanted.

“Ooooh… f-fuck!”

Twice.

One after the other.

While watching Yoongi appreciate your hard work in between orgasms.

Knowing smirk, amused.

Jungkook was gripping the sheets and gasping, body flinching under your hands, moans tumbling from his chest as you licked around his length and swallowed leisurely, crying out softly at the sensitivity and then trying to cover it up by biting his lower lip, silver ring gleaming at the edge, his eyes squeezed shut and his black hair all over his face.

“N-Noona, please… please…”

Jungkook cracked his eyes open. You gazed back at him, swirling your tongue around the pulsating head, soft but firm, wordlessly asking, hm? Unbothered, of course.

Those big peepers begged, I’m just a man!

You gradually licked upwards, popping your lips off him, enjoying his little gasp.

“Very tasty today. You must be eating well,” you commented.

Pink blossomed over his cheeks. “I… I haven’t cum since the last time we f-fucked…”

“That’s your fault.”

Big pout. “You’re busy too!”

“Not as busy as you.”

“This is a riveting argument,” a raspy voice cut in, reminding Jungkook that his hyung was, yup, right beside him. Pink became bright red. “But I’m still horny, so, scoot up.”

All embarrassment disappeared a few minutes later when your lips were on Jungkook’s once more, with your hand around his once again rock-hard length and bouncing forward from Yoongi thrusting into your tight, dripping pussy, fluster replaced with lust and love. Drowning in the high, electric and sensual. Body to body to body. Messy kisses, tangled limbs, hotter than hot, aching for more. Your thighs around Jungkook’s waist, loud smacks of crotch to crotch as your rode him with Yoongi’s hands all over your breasts and his skillful lips on your neck, pinching your nipples with every love bite, driving you to the edge again and again and again, one more, and the limit was not enough, one more, your shivering, slick walls clenching around two of Yoongi’s fingers, fast and hard and rough, one more, then Jungkook’s, clutching his tattooed forearm, admiring the crisp inked lines and hard muscle as he fingered you, rubbing your clit at the same time, a symphony of moans with every orgasm, saturating the air with thick, heavy lust.

You loved them.

You told them with every kiss, every caress, every shared glance.

Breathless and spent, and, despite that, I love you.

You kissed Min Yoongi, holding him to you, a love deeper than the ocean, harmony in darkness that only he and you could understand.

You kissed Jeon Jungkook, holding him to you, a love that seemed to be expanding faster than the universe itself, energetic and endless.

“I love you.”

Whispers within walls. A forever secret, but you didn’t mind at all, because you had everything, right here, the life you wanted not in what but in who, interlocking fingers, one guitar-scarred hand and a tattooed one. Good thing you had two hands so you could hold both, and you did, tightly, blazingly warm inside despite the freezing cold outside.

No gifts needed, just happiness.

What?

Okay, fine.

And sex.

drabble before the solo tour, time is slipping away

part xvi "I would never do anything that is not allowed."

masterpost

#yoonkook x reader #bts smut #yoonkook smut #jungkook smut #yoongi smut #yoonkook x you #jungkook x noona #jungkook x reader #yoongi x reader #jungkook x you #yoongi x you #jeon jungkook x reader #min yoongi x reader

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ilovescaredysquirrel2 · 2 months

Text

Was Qubo actually coming back?

So I heard a rumor that's been going around that The Qubo Channel, an American children's tv channel that ran from 2007-2021, was coming back in 2023 and this idiot fan did everything they could to make it seem real, videos and everything but it all turned out to be fake. They said that the company E Scripps announced it but they never did and this random person made an entire wiki page of it too. Qubo is officially never coming back, although I hope someone will have a solution or come up with a replacement kids channel. It's sad that kids have nothing that genuinely teaches them good lessons, besides Bluey. Don't get me wrong, I love Bluey, Bluey's awesome but it's like the only thing that kids can watch nowadays that's good for them. In my opinion, you need MORE THAN ONE SHOW! You don't have to have as many shows as I did growing up, but you can't only just have one show either.

I'll admit I was more of a tv kid, but I grew up in a small, dumpy town in Pennsylvania and I had no siblings or kids in the neighborhood to play with. I also never really had close friends at school who I got to hang out with outside of school, because school days lasted long and we were private people. When I got home, I'd most likely draw, watch tv, or take a nap. I did spend time outside but not in the autumn and winter as much because I hated cold, especially when I got older. I did watch a lot more tv than most kids did but it wasn't an unhealthy amount. I also wasn't really a Disney movie kid as much either. Disney channel? Yes, but I didn't really watch much of their animated movies growing up, especially not the older ones that everyone else grew up with. I had older parents and also was raised by my grandma, and no siblings so it's not like we had family movies nights like some families. Being an only child, I was basically the boss of the tv and my mom grew up playing outside and not much of a tv kid, so she just let me watch the kids shows that were playing on tv. Just to clear things up, I was born in November of 2002 and my mom gave birth to me when she was 42 years old, so a lot of stuff from her time wasn't really meant for kids. So yeah, I mostly just grew up watching tv channels. I was lucky enough to have Qubo, Sprout and the Nickelodeon and Disney channels. Lucky for me, I didn't watch much Cartoon Network, which in my opinion was kind of a good thing because a lot of stuff back then was inappropriate. Thank God I had more relaxing and... less unhinged shows to watch on channels like Sprout and Qubo. I know Qubo had its fair share of weird shows like Grossology and Being Ian, but most of the Qubo shows were good. In fact, some of my favorite shows ever came from Qubo!

Let's have a little talk about a well known Canadian show that was based off a book series, called "Scaredy Squirrel". If you were in Canada, you probably watched Scaredy Squirrel on YTV or Treehouse, but us Americans watched it on Cartoon Network, Disney X.D or Qubo. I was the kid who watched it on Qubo because I ignored the Cartoon Network channel growing up and I think around 2013 was when I started to hate Disney so... yeah. I became a fan of Scaredy Squirrel through Qubo and that show means so much to me. Another show that means a lot to me is called "Marvin the tap-dancing Horse" which originally aired on PBS kids for like 2 years, as part of a block called the "Bookworm bunch" which only lasted a short time and plus, I wasn't even born yet. I got introduced to Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse through the Qubo Channel and I absolutely fell in love with it. Honestly, those are both very underrated shows and deserve an actual FANDOM rather than 3 fans. A few people I know have at least heard of Scaredy Squirrel barely anyone has heard of Marvin the dancing horse (and yes, Marvin is based off a book too). I highly recommend those shows, as well as many others!

Cable tv is kind of shutting down now anyway, and it's sad. All we have now is streaming services and a lot of them just don't have those nice kids shows that Qubo had. A lot of those shows were cute and not too overstimulating for the younger kids, and almost everything they have now is for older kids. Sprout became Universal Kids, which is more for older kids and they didn't need to do that. We need more things for little kids too. Also, as a 21 year old with trauma, I don't like rough adult shows like South park and Hazbin hotel, I want more calming shows like Scaredy Squirrel and Toddworld. (Also, I'll put a list of my favorite shows from Qubo in my last paragraph).

I hope one day I can make my own tv channel or streaming service to replace Qubo or Sprout, but nothing can really "replace" my favorite channels growing up. Also, if you want some relaxing kids shows from Qubo to watch, I'll give you some;

Scaredy Squirrel, Toddworld, Stella & Sam, Timothy goes to school, Marvin the Tap-Dancing Horse, Maggie & the Ferocious Beast, Harry & his Bucket of Dinosaurs, Miss Spider Sunny Patch, Babar, Veggietales, Gofrette, I Spy, My Friend Rabbit, Sandra the Fairytale Detective, Willa's Wild Life, Pecola, Turbo Dogs, Sidekick, and Stickin' Around (although there's a trigger warning).

Tell me what you think and if you agree! Are you too a Qubo or Sprout fan?

#qubo channel #qubo shows #qubo #sprout goodnight show #sprout channel #sprout #scaredy squirrel #toddworld #marvin the tap dancing horse #qubochannel #qubo fandom

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tabithatwo · 1 year

Text

fics and posts of note!

if yellowjackets enthusiast is my second job (it is) then, within that, fic writing is my day job and tumblr rambling is my moonlighting, so here's easy access to my fics and to my more involved posts!

current status: I’ve had a long, rough hiatus from writing but I think I’m back! With bee charmer complete (yay!) I plan on finishing abmb then focusing on other things! I have to read abmb so it might be a bit of a wait still, but it’s in progress now and I’m excited to be back in it <3 —2/5

likely order of updates: abmb, resurrection —2/5

multichapter fics

(ongoing)

always be my baby (32/?)

explicit / post-s1 canon-divergence / jackie lives (but shauna doesn't find out until 2021)

jackieshauna centric, taivan background, lottienat background, mistynat implied / ensemble piece; the primary focus is jackieshauna, but the other characters play in heavily and their relationships (both romantic and platonic) are very much explored

novel length (and then some) / wip / primarily 2021 timeline with flashbacks / primarily shauna and jackie pov / includes povs from: taissa, van, natalie, lottie, misty, callie, jeff

All the living yellowjackets are forced together when someone decides to unearth their past. Tensions rise, past relationships are revealed, and new ones are forged in a reunion that no one asked for (except maybe Misty).

Shauna’s world is rocked when Jackie Taylor walks back into it.

read on ao3

we practice resurrection every night (4/?)

explicit / jackie lives au / slice of life

jackieshauna centric, lottienat, ensemble piece

novel length / wip / set in and around 1996 canon / shauna and jackie primary povs, lottie and nat secondary povs, with assorted ensemble povs

A series of moments based pre, during, and post 1996 canon, centered around Jackie and Shauna, accounting for the huge, rippling impact of one small change: the Holmdel bust goes differently. Shauna ends up walking home with Jackie instead of Jeff.

read on ao3

(complete)

you're just a bee charmer (~53k)

explicit / no crash au / shifted ten years (they graduate high school in 2006, rather than 1996)

jackieshauna centric, taivan background, lottienat background

novella length / wip / set in 2006-2007, they are 19 / shauna and jackie pov

They've been at college for an entire semester, and Shauna is really fucking sick of the Jackie-Jeff rollercoaster. So, when Jeff dumps Jackie right before winter break, Shauna decides she's willing to do pretty much anything to keep them broken up. Jackie just wants to feel wanted, so what harm can a few messages from a new account really do?

read on ao3

just unzip me (4/4)

explicit / no crash au

jackieshauna centric, taivan background, lottienat background

novella length / complete / set between 2004-2006 / shauna and jackie pov

Shauna is the maid of honor in the Taylor-Sadecki wedding, but on the big day both the bride and the groom have a confession to make.

(and big moments in Jackie and Shauna’s lives after the not-a-wedding)

read on ao3

and it's spinoff oneshot, the perfect fucking wife (teen and up, three short snippets from three jewish holidays in the shipman household. total fucking fluff.)

read on ao3

oneshots

trying to keep you alive

explicit / canon-compliant / ghost!jackie or hallucination!jackie depending on how you read it

jackieshauna / shauna's relationships with taissa, jeff, and callie

~5k words / set eleven years post return / shauna pov

A night of Shauna feeling especially self-destructive (cruising for women, talking to Jackie's ghost, and burning bridges with the only two people in her corner).

read on ao3

no take backs

mature / canon-compliant / ghost!jackie

jackieshauna centric, lottielee background / jackie and laura lee

~3k words / set during 2x02 / jackie pov

Jackie didn't leave the woods when she died. Laura Lee is a few steps ahead of her in this whole navigating being a ghost thing, but Shauna is falling apart quicker than Jackie can pick up the pieces.

read on ao3

series (jackie lives post-return fluff)

definitely think twice

teen and up / jackieshauna, taivan / ~2.5k words / van pov

Van and Tai head to Jackie and Shauna's to babysit during their much needed vacation, but getting Jackie out the door is proving harder for Shauna than expected.

read on ao3

this she was sure about

teen and up / jackieshauna / ~2k words / jackie pov

Jackie and Shauna bring the kids to Shauna's first book signing after some encouragement from her agent.

read on ao3

no being sad about ice cream

teen and up / jackieshauna / ~3k words / shauna pov

Three slice-of-life moments from Jackie's pregnancy.

read on ao3

and if i can't fix it, i'm gonna make you fix it

teen and up / jackieshauna / ~2k words / jackie pov

Bee has a shitty day and Jackie gives Shauna a pep talk.

read on ao3

posts of note

x jackie taylor is a lesbian frame by frame pt. 1

x jackie taylor is a lesbian frame by frame pt. 2

x tai and shauna / call your mom

x shauna and psychosis

x the "dreams" (travis' dialogue on near death experiences in 2x02)

x the "dreams" (eating and drinking in other realms motif)

x jackieshauna / lottielee

x mirrors and reflections in yj (the pilot)

x pit girl scenes and their cuts away from natalie

x lesbian breakup so bad (yj edition)

x sight and power and leadership (lottie, tai, nat, jackie ruminations)

x jackieshauna / our wives under the sea

x yj and jennifer's body

x nat/jackie ruminations

x why it matters if they keep jackieshauna vague

#here's all my shit all in one place so very organized of me!#yellowjackets fic #yellowjackets theories #yellowjackets meta #jackie taylor #shauna shipman #jackie x shauna #yellowjackets

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star-girl69 · 10 months

Text

Ultraviolence

Natalie Scatorccio x Fem!Reader

—-

a/n: NOOOOO WE’RE SO CLOSE TO THE END 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i hope you all enjoy!!

warnings: mentions of death and murder, swearing, tell me if i missed anything!!

Chapter Thirty - Cult Leader

—-

2019-

“Stop it,” you groan, pushing Natalie’s face away from your neck. “You smell like cigarettes.”

She smiles, reaching behind you and grabbing a french fry from the rickety picnic table you sit on. Your feet swing in the air, the sun behind a spot of clouds, the rest of the sky bright, bright blue.

“I thought you liked the smell of cigarettes.”

“In moderation,” you say, smiling slightly and reaching for your own french fry. She turns around and starts pacing in front of you, a little jittery, running her hand through her hair. “This is nice,” you say after a moment. “Just, like, going to the park and eating some McDonalds.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

You close your eyes and lean your head back, hoping to look a little brighter from the New York summer sun.

“Uh… Natalie?” someone asks, and you look up, seeing a man you don’t recognize, dressed in a dark blue college hoodie, his hands nervous in his pockets. You watch as Natalie nods, taking a step closer.

“Kyle?”

“Yeah, yeah…” he glances around, before pulling something out of his pocket. “Here.”

It’s hidden by her hands, but you know what it is. She looks down and smiles.

“Thanks,” she says, handing the guy some folded-up money.

“Mhm,” he says, nodding, once to her, once to you, before turning around and disappearing into the trees and the hustle of the park.

You want to ask her if the only reason she brought you hear was to buy drugs, but you don’t even want to know the answer.

“I’m tired,” you announce, hopping down from the table. “Let’s go back to the motel. Travis said he’s coming at 4?”

She looks a little shocked, a little concerned, because you’re not really good at hiding your disapproval for the hard drugs she’s gotten into.

“Yeah, yeah, sure, baby.”

You hope you never come to this park again.

—-

2021-

After an awkward Bed and Breakfast stay with Misty and Walter, stuck in the room between them, hearing both of them twist and turn through the thin walls, and then an almost useless trip to the farmers market- you’re driving through the dark and rainy woods, looking for a cult somewhere off of Route 19.

Route 19 is abysmal thing, especially in the New York autumn- cold, wet, and rainy. The trees were just starting to turn their autumn colors, but all it made you think of was the approaching winter.

“Staying Alive” played on the radio, and you were getting itchy with those words repeating over and over again, because you’ve done horrible things in the name of staying alive. Misty seems to think similarly to you, because she switches the radio off- leaving the car in silence.

Walter looks at her and smiles.

Misty pointedly ignores him, and stares intensely out of the passenger window.

You want to throw up.

Walter grabs the musical cassettes from center console.

“So, what’ll it be today?” he asks, unlocking it. “Les Mis? Phantom?”

Misty shakes her head. “I need to concentrate,” she says sweetly. “All of us do.”

It’s obvious that Walter has at least a little crush on Misty, and you almost feel bad watching him smile awkwardly and turn back to the road, dejected.

If you had any kind words to say you would say them.

But you’ve long since run out of words to comfort people.

“Well, I haven’t seen anything purple or cult related yet.” Misty doesn’t answer. “Hey. How about we play a game until we do?”

“That is the opposite of concentrating,” Misty admonishes.

You lean back into your seat, content to watch them play this little game, cat and mouse- Walter trying to win her over and Misty pushing him away.

“I can multitask,” he shrugs. “Two Truths and a Lie? I could be a good way for us to get to know each other.” No answer. “Alrighty. I’ll go first. I once owned a small business where we sold artisanal small-batch goat cheese. And by ‘we’, I mean myself, and a goat named Billy. Two, there’s a non zero chance that Barry Manilow is my biological father. And, three, I have 175,000 of stock in Taco Bell, and I’ve never been to a single one. The beans upset my stomach.”

He waits for her to respond, but she keeps her eyes fixed on the woods, waiting for a driveway, for some sort of anything pointing to where the cult compound could be.

“I can tell you’re thinking really hard.”

“I’m not, actually.”

“Okay,” he shrugs. “I guess you’ll just never know then.”

Misty sighs. “Fine,” she says, turning to him. “Barry Manilow.”

“Nope.”

“Well, then, it’s the goat. Male goats do not make cheese,” she says, a little condescendingly, like she’s cracked the code.

“Billy…” he says, barely hiding his smile, “Is a girl. Ah, ah, ah. They’re all true!” he laughs.

Misty looks so unimpressed that even you feel a little dejected, and you have barely said anything this entire car ride.

“I-I don’t think that you understand the rules of your own game,” Misty says incredulously.

“There’s only ever one rule. Win.”

There was only ever one rule in the wilderness.

Survive.

“Besides, now you know a little bit more about me,” he says, a little smug. “so… win. And since I have you three truths and no lies, it only seems fair you do the same for me.”

“Fine,” she says, adjusting her glasses. “I do not like monkeys. I think we’re asking the wrong questions about the moon landing, and… wait. Wait! Wait! Turn around!” she shouts, practically jumping on top of Walter hitting him, and you see a gated dirt driveway off to the side.

“What? Why?!”

“Just do it!”

Walter turns abruptly, backing up, and turning to drive the other way, blocking off another car and making them honk their horn.

But you make it. Misty reaches into her bag and pulls out a jar of honey from the purple people.

The symbol on the jar is a Yellowjacket.

The same is on the gate in front of you.

“I think we found her,” Misty smiles.

“Holy shit,” Walter says.

Dread curls up like a cat in your stomach.

—-

After waiting outside the metal gates of Camp Green Pine, Natalie finally emerges around a corner, storming towards the three of you on the other side of the gate.

“What the hell are you doing here?” she asks, her face screwed up in confusion, while Misty gasps and runs toward her.

You hide behind Walter.

You weren’t ready to see her again, and maybe you never are going to be ready. You feel a little sick staring at her, because she looks good.

There’s no large bags under her eyes, no jittery, nervous walk, no drug induced glassy look in her eyes. Her cheeks are fuller. She stands a little taller.

You weren’t ready to see her again. And especially not now, when she looks so much better, so much healthier- maybe if you had just stuck around it would be different.

But you waited for years for her to change. And she never did.

“Oh, thank God,” Misty breathes. “You’re safe!”

“Safe? What are you talking about?! And who the fuck is this? And- Y/N?”

You don’t look at her, staring at the ground, seeing Walter move to the side from the top of your vision, sensing the tension.

“Hey, Nat,” you mumble, not sure how hard she’s glaring at you. A reconcilable glare? Or one that’s long gone?

“Well,” Walter chuckles, “I’m Walter. I’ve heard nothing but wonderful things about you.”

“We’re here to rescue you! I-I mean, you were… kidnapped, right?”

“No!” Nat shouts. “…Yes. Technically. I was. But it’s no big deal, okay? Lottie sent some people for me, but I’m not, like, being held against my will. At least not anymore-”

You push past Misty and Walter and press yourself as close as you can to the metal gate, staring right at Natalie.

“Lottie?!” you screech. “Crazy Lottie? Psych ward Lottie?!”

“In Switzerland!” Misty shouts. “That Lottie?!”

“Yes,” she says, her eyes wide in mock sarcasm. “That very same one. Guess what? She runs a place here now. She’s helping me, like, reflect or whatever.”

Misty’s mouth is parted open in shock, and yours is too.

“So you and your Hardy Boy can go home.” She turns to you, and you finally meet her eyes, feeling the entire world in your stomach, an entire storm. “And you can too, Little Miss I-Love-You-But-Can’t-Be-Around-You’ or-or whatever. I’m doing a fucking thing here. And I don’t need you all getting in my way!”

She storms away, and you’re left standing under the Camp Green Pine gates, waiting yet again.

“She seems really nice,” Walter says.

—-

After you all pile into the car, no one speaks. The car is silent, besides for the sound of rain hitting the roof.

Walter glances between the two of you with his brows furrowed, apprehensive, which you don’t know him to be.

“Uh… I’m getting the feeling you’re both upset.”

“A little,” you mutter, your temple pressed against the cold window.

“I just don’t… I just don’t understand how I could have missed this. Lottie? I kept tabs on everyone. And I mean everybody. But I must not mean everybody- ‘cause I missed this!”

“Well, ok the bright side, your friend’s okay. That’s why we came here, right? Maybe you can move on now.”

Misty turns to him, her face all scrunched up.

“Move on?”

“Didn’t Natalie tell you to go home?”

“Yeah, but it was obviously an act. I mean, if they’re really holding her hostage, the first thing they’re gonna want her to do is cut ties with all her close friends. That’s, like, Cult 101.” She sighs, and you can’t stop staring at the window. “Maybe… maybe Lottie is jealous of what Natalie and I have. I mean, you can’t buy that kind of friendship. But you can kidnap it. And try to…”

“Murder for it?” Walter asks.

“Excuse me?”

You sit up now, narrowing your eyes at Walter.

“Your… friendships are more complicated than most,” he tries to explain. “Kidnapping, cults, death.” He tilts his head. “Adam Martin.”

Your heart stops.

Misty shakes her head slowly. You press yourself up against the back of her seat.

“Misty…” you mutter. What the fuck has she told this guy?

“Look, the story you told about Adam’s grieving mother was moving, but like any good citizen derivative, I followed up. I’m sorry to say, Misty, you slipped on this one. She’s very much dead.”

Misty presses her mouth into a tight line, and your heart is thumping in your ears. So loud you think they can hear it.

“So, I-I-I laid it out. See why you would want to lie about something like that. And I deduced that… you… probably killed him. Maybe to help a friend?”

“You think I’m capable of murder?”

You’re both capable of worse.

“Sure,” Walter says, like it’s the most casual thing in the world. “You’re charming and impulsive. Which are traits of most serial killers. Only… you pull it off.”

You can’t pull your eyes away from him and how calm his face is.

“And, Y/N, I don’t know if you’re apart of this, so my apologies-”

Your heart jumps into your throat and you think of cleaning awya his blood, the smell of bleach, the sound of saw in the next room-

“I-I don’t even know an Adam,” you laugh nervously.

He tilts his head and smiles. Well, not anymore, he seems to say.

He sighs, seeing the way you grip onto Misty’s chair, and the way she has gone so terrifyingly still.

“Look, my grandmother was convicted of killing my Grandpa Joe. Even though she got about 30 years, she never failed to send me a birthday card. S-she was thoughtful like that. Like you.”

You glance over at Misty. She looks absolutely heartbroken. Mad- in a way. At herself? At him? The world? If you squint… it almost seems like she’s crying.

“I’m just trying to say I like you. Despite your extracurriculars.”

Misty nods slowly, her mouth pressed into a thin line.

“You need to go,” she says, coldly. “Come on, Y/N!”

You scramble for your overnight bag, listening to Walter stammer and stutter- actually confused as to why Misty is doing this.

You follow her to the back, watch as she opens her trunk and grabs the big bag she insisted on bringing.

“But- I-I’m your ride,” Walter says in disbelief and desperation.

“I’ll figure it out. But whatever this is? Us? Consider it over.”

She slams the trunk shut. And after a moment, his car starts again and he drives off, leaving the two of you on the side of the road.

Misty takes a deep breath.

“Misty… are you alright?”

“Yes,” she says after a moment. “Are you?”

“Yeah.”

“Then let’s go.”

Both of you turn around to the gates of the cult. The Yellowjacket symbol on it.

—-

Misty presses the buzzer again and again and again. You think the sound is going to become trapped in your brain.

Then, someone rounds the corner, the gate creaking open, and you slump your shoulders, your bag almost touching the ground, putting on your best pleasing look.

“Finally,” Misty gasps. “Can you help us?” she sniffles, walking forward, her suitcase getting caught in the wet dirt.

She breathes heavily, gasping, night has fallen.

“Please,” you beg, about to pout if it means you’ll get in there. Not because of who is inside of there. But just because Misty wants it so bad. And don’t you owe it to her? As a fellow Yellowjacket-adjacent? Labeled as one throughout the years. “I wanna join.”

“Me, too,” Misty breathes.

And they let you inside.

—-

The next morning, you watch as Misty dumbs everything from her pockets. Ranging from the bar of honey, a toothbrush inside a case, to mini binoculars, and a syringe.

“Okay,” she mutters, and both of you choose to ignore the odd looks from the man helping you. Misty’s phone dings.

“Are we forgetting something?” the man asks, and you immediately grab your phone tighter. Misty sighs and takes out her phone, going to check the message, when the man suddenly snatches it from her.

You gasp and step back, frowning.

“Wait-”

The man tuts her, dropping the phone into the bowl.

“But- t-that could be important!” Misty gestures.

“Misty. You’re what’s important. Charlotte will help you see that.” He flicks his pen from you to the bowl. “Now, you too, Y/N.”

You sigh and hold your phone out, staring at it in the pretty black case with the small fake diamonds that looks like stars on the back.

“Take it,” you mutter. “I can’t do it.”

Misty watches in shock as the man grabs your phone and puts it in the bowl.

“What about emergencies? Like, um, a heart attack, or, or, a fire.”

“There’s a landline in the kitchen. But… it’s not for social calls.”

All of you stare at the phone still alight with a notification from Walter. He puts his purple-robed arm over the phone screen.

“Trust me. I’ve been where you are,” he says, standing up. You both follow him. “It’s not easy at first.”

The fact that he’s dressed head to toe in purple makes it hard to take him seriously.

“But...” he brushes his hand over both of your shoulders, “Our phones keep up captive to other people’s priorities. Oh, Charlotte. This is-”

“Misty. Y/N.” Her eyes are wide in shock.

“Hello, Charlotte,” Misty says, all ominous in a way that makes you have to hide your laugh.

The supposed Cult Leader steps forward, wringing her hands together, a disturbed sort of look on her face. One that you would have sported in the wilderness. But even in a place surrounded by the woods- this is nothing compared to the wilderness.

“Leave us,” she says to the man. He walks away swiftly.

“Hi, Lottie,” you say softly. She keeps staring at Misty, her jaw clenched.

“I thought you’d be more excited to see me.”

“What are you doing here?” she asks.

Misty steps forward.

“I’m here to retrieve my friend Natalie… from a kidnapping that’s looking more and more like a good old fashioned brain-washing by the hour. So, I think the better question is… what are you doing here? What is all this?”

Lottie gets this wistful look on her face, and you can tell she truly feels at home here, she’s truly proud of it. Exactly like a cult leader would, but, whatever.

“We’re a community. Of love and spiritual growth. And I help people… heal from past trauma. So they stop running from themselves.”

“Look. I don’t care if you’re running a cult here, or whatever, and I won’t call the IRS about what I assume is your routine tax evasion.”

“We saved her.”

Even now, Lottie still towers over all of you, and you feel a little small and tiny next to her. Like there’s no room for you to breathe, to speak.

“We saved her. She tried to kill herself.”

“What?” you breathe, and Lottie finally turns to you. Misty scoffs and mutters under her breath. Lottie places her hand on your shoulder. “Oh, God,” you mutter, raising your hand to your mouth.

“I don’t believe that,” Misty says, even though you know Natalie. You know she likes to run. You just always though she would look back, though. She wouldn’t ever shut the door all the way. “You two aren’t even friends.”

“Oh,” Lottie mutters, raising her hands to her temples, like she’s suddenly been hit with a horrible migraine. Before you can ask if she’s alright, she’s looking up at you again with bright eyes. “Can you two stay a while?”

“Stay?” Misty says, incredulous. “Here? Wha- No.”

“It could be helpful for Natalie,” Lottie encourages. You shake your head.

“No, no, Lottie, she doesn’t want me here. I… I should go.”

“You’re running,” she chastises softly. “And it could be helpful… for you, too, Y/N. And you, Misty.”

You look over to Misty, and you know she’s considering it. And if Lottie has truly made some community here- because this place is big and full of nice furniture. She has to have done something here.

And… maybe it could all be different this time.

—-

2019-

The motel room is dark and dirty. Half done lines of coke sit on the wood table. It’s cheap and blocky. They’ve been laughing all night.

The joint is in your hands, a comforting, familiar weight. And it reminds you of the girl you love.

The woman you love has fallen to the floor.

Travis keeps yelling for her to wake up. The paramedics give her Narcan and everything else that will supposedly make her better, make her wake up, and you start crying when you realize it won’t bring her back to you.

You brush her hair out of her face, whisper, and she wakes up, and it’s not her, and you cry more.

The room is moving too much.

Did you snort a line too? You can’t remember. You can’t. You can’t.

“I saw it.”

She’s groaning, breathing heavily, and you’re trying to convince yourself this is just a fever dream. You lean your head against Travis’s shoulder.

“I felt it.”

She starts shuddering, slumped against the bed, and you cry and cry and cry some more. That’s all you can do.

“We brought it back with us.”

She reaches one hand out towards the two of you. Half on your head, half on his shoulder. He starts crying too.

“Travis… nightshade… we brought it back with us. We brought it back with us.”

—-

taglist:

@sweetdayme4427 @dreaming-for-an-escape @peachydoki @happysparklingshadows @zhivaxo @maraudeerrs @karsonromanoff @onlyangel-444 @subastronaut @iheartnatscatorccio

everything taglist:

@emilynissangtr

#yellowjackets x reader #natalie scatorccio #natalie scatorccio x reader

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toomanystoriessolittletime · 5 months

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Winter/ Christmas themed fics

A list of all my Winter/ Christmas themed fics

Javier Peña

A Christmas Carol - Made in Colombia (Mini Series) (G)

Nothing was the same since Escobar was gone. Javier didn’t want to be back, but he had no other choice. He was there to do a job and a job only. When a stake out went wrong and Javier ends up in a drug induced coma the three ghosts of Christmas show him what he was blind to see.

Marcus Pike

Winter Wonderland (E)

Running into Marcus Pike after making your peace with staying alone for the rest of your life might be faith trying to tell you that there is someone out there for everyone.

Roasted Almonds (G)

Almost getting knocked over by a handsome stranger on a christmas market might be the start of your personal Hallmark Movie experience.

New Years Wishes (G)

After spending difficult six month without Marcus he surprises you for New Years Eve.

Frankie Morales

A Walk in the woods (G)

Frankie talks you into taking a walk to the local farm to pick out a Christmas tree.

Alone (with me) (G)

Christmas sometimes is a lonely affair. Until you find someone you can be alone with.

Alone (with you) (G)

You spend the week between Christmas and New Years getting to know Frankie better.

Din Djarin

How I met the King of Mandalore (without knowing it) (E)

AU: A business meeting after Christmas takes you to the small kingdom of Mandalore where you meet a handsome stranger at your hotel bar who does not only show you the beautiful town but a side of himself that made you fall for him in a matter of hours. What happens when you run into the same man on your mission to return a child you had run into on your tour through the palace the next day? Did you… accidentally sleep with the next King of Mandalore?

Joel Miller

Sweaty (E)

Things.... escalate after Joel caught you watching him chopping some wood outside in the snow.

Dieter Bravo

Cookie Kisses (T)

Dieter finds you baking cookies in your home after being away to shoot his series for months.

Javi Gutierrez

Lonely Christmas (G)

A storm that makes it impossible to leave the island, leaves you spend Christmas with your friend and boss Javi.

Syverson

Happy Christmas (E)

A snow day in with Sy ends in more than just reading a good book and watching some crappy tv

Donaka Mark

All I want for Christmas is you (M)

Donaka could ask for what he wants. Because he would get it. But sometimes breaking someone to get what he wants, is so much more fun.

CHRISTMAS WRITING CHALLENGE 2019

CHRISTMAS WRITING CHALLENGE 2020

CHRISTMAS WRITING CHALLENGE 2021

DECEMBER WRITING CHALLENGE 2022

WINTER WRITING CHALLENGE 2023

#my fic #my stuff #fic masterlist #winter fic masterlist #Christmas fic masterlist #Pedro pascal

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sleepyowlwrites · 7 months

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writer positivity tag

a tablet engraved in a language I don't know from @365runesoftheamalgamations

What motivates you to write?

literally anything. overall, it's because I have the stories in my head and they're taking up brain space! I need to get them out! and it's fun! and in the moment to moment of it, it's that one singular idea or emotion that was tumblr through my brain spaces and I really want to capture it in THIS story, with THESE characters. so I do that. I like taking things that I couldn't previous convert from wispy colors and spiky feelings into sentences that can impact people, whether in such a way that it makes them giggle or it sucker punches them or whatever. I like to do the thing. and! bonus for me, 'cause at this point, after all these years, I'm really good at it. so that helps.

A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not, maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them):

there's not a thing I'm most proud of. I keep improving, you know, so I keep writing things I'm newly most proud of. but then also, I'm still really, really proud of things that I don't think are that well written anymore, but that represent something for me, some part of who I was or what I was going through. I don't know about "most" but, here's something.

a sketch, bold lines, chromatic (2021)

do you want a self-portrait? I can give you one.

my heart is here, on my sleeve, right next to my elbow. I keep it in a plastic bag so it doesn’t get wet, but you can see it. it’s real, and pulsing, and the love can come out of it just fine. love is not tangible, you see, unless it has already left the heart in which case I can put it in my hands and lay them on your cheeks and then it is very tangible in so far as you will allow yourself to feel it.

I wear my shoes with the laces double knotted and I rarely untie them. I slip them on for work and kick them off when I get home. they fall haphazardly by the door, but they are by the door, kept, not lost, and are ready for use when I need them.

my hair is large around my head until I tie it back, but it curls as it will and I let it, because that is what my hair does. it is mine, and I intend to keep it, no matter what color it is or if it’s only half-braided because I slept on my side. my freckles go away in the winter, but I don’t miss them because I know they’ll return. there’s a small scar beside my eye. it shows more when I’m tired, and it hangs there like a mark on the moon and I’m not ashamed of it. it does not say that I am shadowed, it just means that I fell down as a child.

I drape myself in the colors I like, not the colors I think I appear to be. others will see me and hear me and decide what I am, and I like that I am more than shades of purple to the people outside of my head. I am purple to me, and that’s the most important, but if you see me as yellow and it makes you smile then I accept it with honor, I wear it like a pin beside my chest cavity, a souvenir for when I’m sleeping and my heart has crawled back home.

I can go on. but I know you’re not listening, or seeing, either. I hold out my arm so that my heart beats directly in front of yours and yet you are empty and walled and distant. I can wait outside for you but if you won’t open the door I can’t force my way in. and I won’t try, either.

I wear my heart on my sleeve but it’s up to you to choose to see.

Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them, and what are they like?

I have too many ocs for this, but here's my main guys:

R - dramatic, flirtatious lad, always on the verge of self-destruction until someone pulls him back by needing him. he's 17 and lives like it, one quip at a time. his heart is large and melty, and he just wants to be good, and is learning how to put in the work.

Jet - angry, tired, needing something to live for but unwilling to find it himself. he'll punch all your demons before confronting his own and finds too much exultant delight in the act. he doesn't want to experience emotions but he'll do it for you. and maybe, maybe for himself, as a result.

Nyks - sunshine child. delight of everyone's lives. he's lost his memory and his family but he has friends who love him. is always in need of cuddles and always gets them. encourager extraordinaire. a guardian angel, a baby.

(all my ocs can be found through a handy link in my pinned post if you wanted to hear me talk about some girls, maybe)

What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

draft 0. just writing whatever story comes out first and running with it. is it coherent? is it linear? is it on track to end? who knows! finding out is part of the fun! it's so enjoyable that I spend all my time here.

What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

dialogue is an easy answer. but also setting the tone, showcasing a particular dynamic in a short amount of time, and summarizing a very specific vibe or emotion with one pointed metaphor or paragraph. I do sensory emotion really well, and create whole atmospheres in just a few lines. maybe I don't mention where the heck the characters are but you definitely know what they're feeling (or what the pov is, anyway)

What is something in the writeblr community that is most enjoyable?

having friends! that I don't even just talk about writing with. we have random and strange and wonderful conversations about anything and develop inside jokes and I adopt a lot of them. it's great! and also I love tag games. I'm so slow about doing them because I am *rolls eyes* advancing in years and it takes so much more energy to do stuff *rolls eyes again* but I love them. I hoard them.

A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

scrivener is the best thing. I literally just updated to version 3 today and it's cleaner and smoother. I used onenote all through high school and beyond but then I just stopped? something about it didn't click with me anymore but I needed something with organization. I refuse to write in word or googledocs. so three? years ago I bought myself scrivener for my birthday and it's been amazing.

I do also keep a writing journal (I say journal very loosely) and sometimes bring it with me places and there's all kinds of random thoughts and snatches of scenes and what have you in there. I used to never write by hand because it's so slow, but my brain has changed a bit over the years and now I can write up to like, 4k by hand before I just can't anymore. I usually just do between 400-900 words though.

A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law, etc)

I love that the kids in Youth Story have superpower for literally no reason. I just stuck them in there and they just have them. it turns the slice of life into slice of surreal life and I love it.

and I love the cities in my stories. Sinderport and Rasterpool are the only ones with names at the moment but I have a bunch and they all have character and layouts in my head and specific attributes like being on a river or the gangs or the street slang. for being not a city person I really like to write about them.

and I love the magic in Guild Story. it's unwieldy and tricky and doesn't just "solve problems" and also I just love the three guild houses. they just came to me! and I was like "really, the ya x of x format" but c'mon. House of Favors sounds cool. anyway I gotta write more of this wip it's really interesting.

Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters:

Maybe Sorcery @akindofmagictoo Ember @ashen-crest (buy her books! so good!) Ghosty @zmwrites Idea @oh-no-another-idea Breezy @blind-the-winds Celadon @abalonetea (buy books!) Klaus @kaiusvnoir Klove @klywrites Rainstorm @avrablake Moonink @drippingmoon Stars Books @vellichor-virgo Cozy @ink-fireplace-coffee Glowstick @ellatholmes Ren-rill-ren @ren-c-leyn Rarity @uraniumwriting Sounding @diphthongsfordays Ocelot @ambiguouspuzuma Bender @writing-is-a-martial-art Tangerine @the-orangeauthor and everybody else on the nickname list

but also I love all of my Sleepyheads.

^people feel free to do the tag, and anybody else who sees this, and also maybe @crypticcodexcreations @thegreatobsesso @sarahlizziewrites @thetruearchmagos @sam-glade

#tag game #sleepy's story stuff

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shojoqueendom · 2 months

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"Me and Kimono" | Interview with Atsufu

Translation of the interview with Moyoco Anno published in the June 2023 issue of "Neppū" on Note.

Starting from the May 2021 issue, Moyoco Anno's cover illustrations mark the beginning of the third year with this June issue. When you think of Moyoco, you might recall the image of modern, real-life women wrapped in contemporary fashion, symbolized by works like "Hataraki Man" and "Happy Mania." So, why did Moyoco choose to depict "women in kimono, with a somewhat classical vibe" on the cover? We inquired about Moyoco's affection for kimono, which underlies this decision. Nowadays, Moyoco's passion for kimono has grown to the extent of establishing her own brand that creates kimono with her unique artistic style. This "kimono fever" seems to stem from a desire to see more people casually wearing and embracing Japan's beautiful nature, such as its plants and birds, through clothing.

My grandfather's kimono and the kihachijo he wore at the age of 3

Interviewer: Thank you very much for illustrating the cover for the past two years since the May 2021 issue. It has been well received that 'women in kimono evoke various stories,' and we are grateful for that. As a result, we have decided to continue for another year. Producer Suzuki (Toshio) even joked, 'We would like to continue until Moyoco-san gets tired of it.'

Anno: Is that true? Isn't it just that you're getting too lazy to change (laughs)?

Interviewer: That's not true at all (laughs). I'm serious. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to ask you about your connection with kimonos, Moyoko-san, and hear a comprehensive discussion about it. When did you first become fascinated with kimonos?

Anno: My grandfather was a kimono wearer. He always wore kimonos in his daily life. Perhaps it was also because of the area, Shimokitazawa in Tokyo, but when I was a child, there were quite a few people like that in the neighborhood. If there were about ten elderly people in the neighborhood, for example, about two of them would be wearing kimonos. Among relatives, it was only my grandfather, though.

Interviewer: So it wasn't yukata, but kimonos.

Anno: They were ordinary men's kimonos. Made of sturdy fabric, they came with a haori, juban, and ensemble. He also wore a coat for kimonos in winter. When we lived together, my grandfather's way of casually taking off his kimono was impressive. Men's kimonos are designed to be worn at the same length, so the juban worn underneath can be removed together. He would hang it on a clothes rack, wearing only fundoshi and underwear, and then go to bed just like that.

Interviewer: It's like shedding a skin, isn't it?

Anno: Exactly. Then, when I woke up in the morning, I would put it back on just like that (laughs). Since kimonos aren't washed every day, men's kimonos are quite convenient, right?

Interviewer: Your grandfather was a tailor, if I recall correctly.

Anno: Yes, that's right. But he had already retired by then. However, since he loved sewing even after retirement, he was always making something, and when I was little, he made various things for me too.

Interviewer: When did you start experiencing kimonos yourself?

Anno: I was already wearing a yellow hakama ensemble when I was about three years old. I can't remember if it was a gift or someone's hand-me-down, but I wore it for New Year's and in the winter. I always used to fuss about not wanting to take it off once it was put on me.

Interviewer: Was it comfortable to wear?

Anno: I loved it. Maybe part of it was because I was happy to be with my grandpa. Also, one time when the maid who was at my grandfather's house said she was going back to her hometown, I followed along. I was delighted to be dressed in children's festival attire there. We brought back that festival attire and kept it at home.

Interviewer: So, it seems like you were quite enthusiastic about kimonos even at the age of three.

Anno: Indeed, I liked kimonos from that time. But you know, it's a hassle for parents to dress you up every time, right? When I was little and happened to have something that fit me, they would dress me up, but as I grew older, it wasn't so easy. Still, they always bought me yukatas every year. When I was in elementary school, whenever there was a Bon dance in the neighborhood, my school friends and I would all go out wearing yukatas. Once I was dressed in a yukata, I would wear it every day for about a week from then on. Like, going to the school pool in the morning during summer vacation, and then coming home and wearing a yukata around the house.

Interviewer: Didn't you ever walk around the neighborhood dressed like that?

Anno: If you walk around in a yukata when it's not a festival, you'll definitely get some strange looks (laughs).

Encountering antique kimonos

Interviewer: What was the subsequent evolution of your interest in kimonos like?

Anno: When it comes to kimonos for girls, it's usually associated with the coming-of-age ceremony, right? Well, about a week before that, I injured my foot. What's more, at that time, my family was too poor to afford to borrow a formal furisode for the coming-of-age ceremony. So, I didn't wear a kimono for the ceremony. Then, because they felt sorry for me not being able to attend the ceremony, my friends suggested we all get together wearing kimonos. They all had kimonos bought for them, so they wanted to wear them again at least once. They were all dolled up in furisode with fluffy white shawls, but I was the only one in a plain casual kimono. Mine was a cute komon with a navy background adorned with little hammers and treasures, but compared to everyone else's formal attire, it did seem a bit plain (laughs).

Interviewer: Even though your friends didn't mean any harm, it must be a bitter memory.

Anno: At that time, I realized that you really need financial stability to afford kimonos, and I distanced myself from them a bit. Buying a kimono isn't the end of it; you also need a place to store it. You definitely need a certain amount of storage space. And because the rules for storing kimonos are different from regular clothes, you need a dedicated space for them.

Interviewer: Did your enthusiasm for kimonos reignite around the time you started serializing "Sakuran," which features Kiyoha, a courtesan in Yoshiwara, around 2001?

Anno: I think it was before that… It was around my mid-20s when I was living alone in Ebisu, Tokyo. There was a pop-up antique kimono shop at an event venue, and I encountered some really beautiful kimonos there. I wore one of those kimonos for the cover of "AERA" magazine (May 5, 2003 issue). It was the first time I encountered an antique kimono that fit me perfectly in terms of length, even with my height. It was a beautiful silk kimono with a reddish-purple hue and vertical stripes with a bluish tint.

Interviewer: Did you dress yourself for the "AERA" photo shoot?

Anno: Yes, I did. Looking back now, I realize it was a mess, and I wonder how I managed to go to the shoot (laughs).

Interviewer: Why did you decide to feature kimonos in the photos?

Anno: I really didn't have anything else to wear (laughs). I wasn't making enough money to indulge myself. Although I wasn't in debt anymore, I still didn't have time to go shopping for clothes or anything like that.

Interviewer: You didn't have the mental space for it either.

Anno: Exactly. When I was working at home, I usually just wore casual clothes, so I thought about what to wear for the "AERA" cover.

Interviewer: Ah, you remembered you had kimonos.

Anno: Ironically, I had nothing but kimonos (laughs). I tend to be like that quite often. People sometimes say I'm like a fashionable manga artist, but that's not the case at all.

I remember when I was invited to a home party by fellow female manga artists at the time. I thought it was just a casual gathering at home, so I went there thinking it was fine to wear casual clothes, but everyone else was dressed head-to-toe in Chanel, Prada, or Gucci.

Visiting vintage clothing stores in Kamakura

Interviewer: You got married to director Hideaki Anno in 2002 and moved to Kamakura in 2004. I heard that during this time, you were already collecting kimonos by visiting nearby vintage clothing stores.

Anno: It all started when we had the chance to go to Kyoto shortly after we got married, and we met a friend of the director who was from Kyoto and was also an expert in kimono, as his wife was a Kyoto native who was also into Japanese traditional dance. So, when I casually mentioned that I was also interested in kimonos, she introduced me to a well-established kimono shop in Kyoto. Since the director was very enthusiastic about our marriage and told me to "buy whatever you want," it kind of turned into a situation like that (laughs).

Then the wife said, "You'll get the hang of it if you try wearing it once," and she dressed me up on the spot. The next day, when we were heading back to Tokyo, she selected a complete set of necessary kimono dressing tools for me. That experience gave me a sense of how to wear them properly. With that base knowledge, I later learned to wear them by watching tutorials online or reading books.

Interviewer: So, did your interest in kimonos reignite around the time of your marriage?

Anno: I was hesitant to wear the tailored kimonos sent from Kyoto to Kamakura because I was afraid of ruining them. So, I started buying cute patterned or sturdy Meisen kimonos from vintage clothing stores in Kamakura and just tried wearing them out. I felt like it was okay to wear them since they wouldn't be a big loss if they got dirty. That's how I started wearing kimonos frequently. However, the kimonos that the director bought for me in Kyoto haven't been worn at all (laughs).

Interviewer: Do you have any unique points to look out for when seeing kimonos at vintage clothing stores, as someone like you who frequently visits them?

Anno: It's definitely the patterns unique to antiques. There are hardly any kimonos left from the Meiji period. There are some from the Taisho period, but their condition isn't great. So naturally, there are a lot from the Showa period, maybe around right after the war. The charm of the patterns and the beauty of the fabric. Also, there's something cute about the "Hakkake," which is the fabric attached to the hem of the kimono. Usually, it's plain, but sometimes it's lined with pink in a white kimono with purple patterns, which is a color scheme unique to that era.

Initially, I'd wear kimonos and then turn them into a haori, then into a juban, and if the pattern is flashy, it could become an obi, and eventually, it could be used as the lining of a haori. I like that you can see the progression with antiques.

Interviewer: Do you learn this kind of knowledge from books or the internet?

Anno: Yes, and I also ask friends who share the same interest in kimonos, or I talk to people at vintage clothing stores. One of the assistants who happened to visit my place was working part-time at a famous vintage kimono store while also working as an assistant. She told me that near my house in Kamakura, there was a vintage store with a lot of piled-up clothes that were not organized at all. The store had many good items, but they were all chopped up and turned into dresses, and a certain famous actress used them as costumes. So, she asked me to hurry up and buy the old kimonos before they were chopped up and rescue them (laughs).

I couldn't draw 'Sakuran' without actually trying on kimonos

Interviewer: Does "Sakuran," set in Yoshiwara, have any connection to the resurgence of your love for kimonos?

Anno: Initially, I didn't pay much attention to kimonos when I started drawing "Sakuran," but I realized the difficulty of drawing kimonos once I actually started drawing them. With Western clothing, you see someone wearing it every day, so you can kind of draw it in any pose intuitively. But with kimonos, I had no idea, for example, how the sleeves should look when the character moves. So, when I was drawing "Sakuran," I often wore kimonos and moved around to draw them.

Interviewer: Did you draw manga while wearing kimonos?

Anno: Not during the inking stage, because it would be troublesome if ink splattered on them. But I always wore them during the stage where I confirmed how they looked. The way kimonos were worn back then and today is completely different, so I sometimes adjusted them to match the style of that time. For example, courtesans tie their obi at the front. Also, depending on the era, in the Edo period, they didn't fold the obi into two. So, it was very wide. And the patterns are clearly different between the Edo period and the Meiji, Taisho, and Showa eras. There's a difference between the Edo-style patterns that still exist today and the modern antique patterns of the Meiji, Taisho, and Showa eras. Of course, there were many elderly people who wore Edo-style kimonos even in the Meiji era, but the designs preferred by young people have more of a modern feel. Furthermore, there are differences between Edo (Tokyo) and Kyoto. Edo-style kimonos often have patterns that look like monotone from a distance, like screentones, while Kyoto kimonos often have distinct and independent patterns. They have a relatively elegant feel.

Interviewer: Your knowledge deepened while drawing manga, and the cycle of acquiring more things continued, right?

Anno: There was a time when I had an extraordinary amount of things, so I sold everything once. I even went through a phase of bidding on Yahoo Auctions. There were times when I couldn't do it myself because I was busy with work, so I asked my assistants to bid for me (laughs).

Interviewer: How many kimonos do you currently have?

Anno: Not that many. Probably less than 50. Once I started making them myself, I mostly wore the ones I made.

Drawing the desired pattern, scanning it, and then printing it onto fabric

Interviewer: So, you finally started making your own kimonos. That's the original kimono brand "Hyakuyoudo" that you launched about two and a half years ago, right? Please tell us about the process that led you to start making kimonos yourself.

Anno: Actually, after returning from Kamakura to Tokyo, there was a period when I didn't wear kimonos for a while.

Interviewer: Why is that?

Anno: It's like a habit, you know? When you wear something frequently, it becomes natural to wear it, but once you stop, it suddenly becomes a hassle, and there was a period when my heart drifted away from kimonos. Then, suddenly, when I felt like it was time to start wearing kimonos again, I realized that I had forgotten a lot of what I had learned before, so I decided to find a teacher and learn the basics again.

Interviewer: Forgive my amateur sense, but is kimono dressing really that difficult?

Anno: At first, it's more like as long as it doesn't fall off, it's fine, but as you get used to it, you start to notice things like why does this part always feel tight when I sit down, or why does this part always sag after a while. Or why does that person look so good in a kimono?

Interviewer: Is it really that different?

Anno: Yes, it is. So if you want to wear it beautifully, it's better to learn from a professional. So, one day, I took some old kimonos and obis that I had to a dressing lesson. I actually wanted to use this old obi, but the fabric was too worn out to use, so I said, "You can print this."

Interviewer: What do you mean by "print"?

Anno: It's a photographic process. For example, if you have a patterned fabric that's already worn out and you want to make a new one, you can scan the worn-out fabric to copy the pattern. Once you import that data into a computer, you can adjust the color tones and remove stains on the screen. Since kimonos are usually made by repeating patterns of about one meter, all you need is to scan that one stroke cleanly. Once it's in the computer, you can even change the background color.

Interviewer: So, it's a way to salvage patterns from worn-out antique kimonos?

Anno: Yes, at first, I was just copying them rather than redesigning them. I had some favorite obi patterns, so I scanned them and kept them for storage. For example, it's just a pattern of swirls drawn in pointillism, but they're all dyed from Ise katagami, so it's completely different from what you would get by digitally dotting it now. The intervals between each dot vary slightly, and each dot has a different expression, some are slightly longer or thinner. When you look at the whole thing, it creates a fluctuation. I think you can make things that look the same at first glance digitally, but the finish is completely different. So, I had the Ise katagami pattern scanned, inverted the colors, and made it into a komon pattern and then tailored it into a kimono. I tried two or three of those, and it was so much fun. Of course, I did it all for my personal kimonos.

Interviewer: So, did you start drawing patterns yourself from there?

Anno: Initially, when I told my teacher that I wanted to scan the patterns of summer clothes, which are often made of ro fabrics, she said they couldn't be scanned because the fabric itself is woven to be translucent to keep it cool. I was shocked, thinking, "Wait, isn't summer clothing more likely to get dirty and need to be scanned to preserve the pattern?" So, I decided to draw them myself.

Interviewer: I recall from an interview in a kimono magazine that you mentioned you couldn't scan them with a machine, so you memorized the patterns with your eyes and drew them by hand.

Anno: Right. Since the current patterns are copyrighted, I copy the antique patterns with my eyes. Instead of tracing them directly, I memorize the patterns I see in shops, bring them home, and draw them based on my impressions. In the process, I change the colors and rearrange them.

Interviewer: Even though you say it's just repeating patterns of one meter, isn't it still quite difficult if you can't visualize the entire bolt of fabric?

Anno: It's challenging. So, I made a lot of mistakes at first. It was like, "This wasn't supposed to happen" kind of feeling (laughs). I thought individual patterns were cute, but when I made them into kimonos, I realized, "Oh, this is how the pattern looks." But since the dressing instructor who taught me that you could print patterns was a professional, she would give me advice like, "If you want to bring out this pattern here, you should place it like this." So, I've been relying on her ever since, and in the end, she became the operator and designer for our digital work.

Interviewer: So, that dressing instructor ended up becoming the person behind "Hyakuyoudo"?

Anno: Yes, she's the one. Or rather, it's thanks to her that Hyakuyoudo came to be. If I had just been struggling alone to draw patterns and failed to make my own kimonos, Hyakuyoudo wouldn't have happened.

As I discussed with that dressing instructor and created various patterns, before I knew it, that's how it happened. Every time, she would say, "Do you want to try making this?" and it just naturally led to, "Should we sell this?" (laughs).

At first, I made patterns just for friends and staff who wanted them, sharing them as if I were giving away souvenirs. Eventually, people started asking for different colors, and each time, I made new colors for them. I made trial prints of one meter each, called "mass samples," by inkjet printing and changing the color patterns. It costs about 5000 yen to do one trial print. But I couldn't ask my friends to pay for the mass samples. Everyone would casually ask for slight changes, like wanting a bit more blue, so I went along with it. Before I knew it, people started saying, "Isn't this a kimono shop!?" and that's how I decided to start a kimono shop.

Interviewer: That's what led to the creation of Momoyado about two years ago.

Anno: Exactly. And then, even though I only had about two patterns on hand, the topic took off, and we received various media coverage. Eventually, we even got invited to a pop-up store at Isetan Shinjuku in Tokyo, and I thought I was going to die.

The origin of the name "Hyakuyoudo"

Interviewer: How many staff members are there?

Anno: We've increased to about 7-8 people since this year. Packing and shipping kimonos requires professional skills. If you just fold them and send them off, they'll shift around and get wrinkled inside, so you need to wrap the kimono in wrapping paper and insert paper to prevent it from shifting. That kind of work requires training. Also, it's difficult for amateurs to check for needles left in the kimonos after sewing. You often find a paper that says "Checked for needles" included when you buy a kimono, but you need someone to do that.

Interviewer: So, you need professionals just for shipping and inspection.

Anno: Yes. And at sales events, you need people who can dress customers and take measurements. We've started holding fitting events twice a year, and even then, you need someone who can wrap fabric like a kimono.

Interviewer: Ah, it's the process of fitting the fabric to the customer's body.

Anno: That's right. Customers can imagine themselves wearing it. Including the people who participate in the fitting events every time and those who always participate in regional events, there are quite a few.

Interviewer: And you're controlling all of that as the president?

Anno: No way, I couldn't do that. The dressing instructor supports the operation, so I just draw the patterns. The instructor arranges them properly as kimonos and places orders with digital printing companies.

Interviewer: Is it like necessary people naturally gather?

Anno: That might be true. When we suddenly got a request for an event at Isetan, someone who had been a store manager at a certain kimono shop for many years suddenly came to us saying they wanted to work at Hyakuyoudo, even though we weren't recruiting. It was incredibly lucky.

Interviewer: They're very persistent.

Anno: I still tell everyone that if S-san hadn't joined us then, we would have been crying at Isetan, clueless about everything like the setup. We didn't even know the rules for setting up displays at pop-up stores, and we somehow managed to make it work thanks to her joining us at the last minute. She kept bringing in salespeople who could dress customers. So, without the dressing instructor who supports the printing operation and her who supports the sales operation, Hyakuyoudo wouldn't exist.

Interviewer: Is the name Hyakuyoudo derived from your name, Moyoco-san?

Anno: Yes. And I hope to have about 100 patterns eventually (laughs). Initially, we only had about two, so I thought it would be nice to have about 100 base patterns.

Interviewer: Are all those 100 patterns drawn by you, Momoko?

Anno: Yes.

Sketches to elevate to the patterns I desire

Interviewer: So, have you been using the patterns of those kimonos for the cover of "Netsufū" all along?

Anno: No, there are plenty of different things. The patterns that look good in illustrations and the patterns that make lovely designs on actual kimonos are quite different.

Interviewer: Does studying dressing and patterns deeply affect the way you draw kimonos?

Anno: Yes, it does. The way people wear kimonos varies depending on their age and other factors. In the February issue's cover, there's a girl kneeling down, but that's actually because her foot has fallen asleep. Her foot is asleep, and she's trying her best to stretch it out by squeezing her thumb tightly.

Interviewer: I thought it was a beautiful illustration, but I didn't realize her foot was asleep (laughs).

Anno: Her foot is asleep. This girl doesn't really unbutton her collar that much. Also, she's pulling her neck quite tightly. But for older people or in the summertime, it's more stylish to have the collar a bit unbuttoned, or it gives a more realistic feeling of wearing it.

Interviewer: Drawing the ideas for each illustration, how do you usually come up with them? For example, the February issue features peaches.

Anno: Yes. I usually try to draw images of the upcoming season. So, for example, I thought about cherries for April, but it's better to capture a slightly earlier season.

Interviewer: I've heard that you struggled when you first started drawing patterns. What was difficult about it?

Anno: Making patterns is difficult. There are many people who can draw plants very well, but even if you draw plum blossoms realistically, they won't become a kimono pattern. Or even if you draw them in a manga-like style, at least I don't want such a kimono. It's very difficult to take it to the point where it becomes a pattern that I would want.

Interviewer: But Moyoco-san is essentially a professional artist. Is it still difficult for such a professional to imagine?

Anno: It doesn't work out. There are many things I started but then gave up on. I was really enthusiastic about making a kimono belt with cherry blossoms and night cherry blossoms this year, but I couldn't make it at all.

Interviewer: Could you explain a bit more about why it's so difficult?

Anno: It takes time, for one thing. There are already many different kinds of plant patterns, from abstract designs to patterns close to sketches, that have existed as antiques for a long time. But just copying those isn't enough. It's better to have existing patterns. At first, I thought that maybe if I copied existing patterns extensively and incorporated them into my imagination, reconstructing them, it might work. But no matter how much I did it, it didn't work. I wondered why it didn't work, but the fact is, if it's plum blossoms, you have to sketch them to death to make it work.

Interviewer: You have to confront the real thing until the plum or cherry blossoms are abstracted in your mind.

Anno: That's right. And then it takes quite a bit of horsepower to take it to the level of cuteness as a pattern. There's a pattern called "Mimosa" that I made this spring, and I got a lot of them from my friends.

Interviewer: It's your favorite flower, isn't it?

Anno: Yes. I received a lot of them last year and this year, and I was really moved, so I sketched them every day. As I drew a lot, I gradually understood the characteristics, and then I could draw the pattern without making it look exactly like the real thing. What I found cute about the mimosa was the cute overlapping leaves, and I started depicting them in the pattern. When you see the beauty of the maple leaves falling to the ground and the shadows of the maple leaves on the ground, you understand what people in the past thought about, and that helps with the pattern.

Interviewer: So you've transitioned from the step of copying to a more fundamental step.

Anno: That's right. But I still think I'm in the early stages of development. I've just realized that, and if you ask if I've succeeded, I haven't succeeded at all yet. It's just that I've finally realized that much.

Interviewer: You seem to really like plants.

Anno: Yes, but I also want to draw birds. The good thing about old Japan is that people loved nature so much, and there are kimono patterns with ears of rice that are only in season for about two weeks. Of course, I think only rich young ladies wear them, but I want people to wear them more casually. "Hyakuyoudo" also sells obi belts, and for example, with a reversible obi belt, you can use it for two different seasons, such as using tulip patterns for two weeks and then switching to chrysanthemum patterns.

Interviewer: Japanese people used to love nature so much. You want to incorporate that into your patterns.

Anno: Yes, I enjoy doing that kind of work. It's really nice nature… I also love daffodils, so I released a daffodil obi belt for this winter, but I thought it might be a little too much like a drawing of daffodils.

Interviewer: Oh, really (laughs).

Anno: While I was doing it, I thought it might be a little different, but it turned out cute, so I released it, thinking that someone might want it. Well, I still plan to draw various daffodils.

Interviewer: Do you observe landscapes and plants in your daily life?

Anno: I've always loved flowers, and the flowers I receive from the florist every week, I draw them every morning. I can't do it when I'm chasing manga deadlines, but I try to draw them every morning when I have time.

Interviewer: Is that for the kimono patterns?

Anno: Yes, it is. Once I draw them.

Interviewer: Do they make it into your drawings?

Anno: They do. They really do. So I try to draw them at least once during the season. I don't know if the leaves grow on the left and right together or alternately. But once I draw them properly…

Interviewer: You incorporate their presence into yourself.

Anno: That's right. You have to do it. Just looking at them doesn't cut it.

Interviewer: Do you ever look at botanical encyclopedias? Like the paintings by Tōtaro Makino from NHK's morning drama.

Anno: Yes, I do. Artists like Hisui Sugiura. His works were stored in a museum in Shibuya Ward, so I used to stop by and see them on my walks. There's an exhibition in Takasaki this spring, so I plan to go and see it. It's a good study to see where predecessors with excellent painting skills and artistic sense choose to focus. Like, which part of this flower, stem, or joint do they choose to depict? You start to understand what they like, such as liking stems. The kind of picture I want to turn into a pattern for the back of an obi belt isn't just a picture of the plant itself; it's like the base of a lily bud depicted as slightly plump. That's the kind of picture I want to carry on my back.

Interviewer: I see. So it's better when the fetish of the person who drew it is incorporated, isn't it?

Anno: That's right. It's definitely interesting when the feelings of the pattern designer are reflected.

Director Anno and Kimono

Interviewer: Do you ever go to the mountains to sketch plants?

Anno: Surprisingly, wildflowers that grow deep in the mountains aren't really suitable for kimono designs (laughs). They're unfamiliar, you know? If I were to use them as patterns, it might be better to focus on areas with lower elevations. Although the Kusamaki (Japanese shrub) is beautiful, the trees are too big and too far away to see clearly. So, I often use flowers sent from florists as my subjects. I've told them before that I always want something I can use as my motif. So, this year, I've been asking them to send me lots of plums. They've been sending them to me every week.

Interviewer: Do you have any flowers you always want to draw?

Anno: Yes, there are. It's quite a mysterious coincidence. The florist I mentioned is actually the daughter of a kimono shop owner. Although her family's shop has already closed down, since she grew up surrounded by kimonos, she knows what kind of plants would be suitable for kimono designs and sends them to me accordingly.

Interviewer: That's quite a fortunate coincidence.

Anno: Yes, it really is.

Interviewer: Now, in terms of the balance between your work on manga and creating kimono designs, how does that ratio look?

Anno: Well, one thing I've decided on is not to push myself too hard with kimono designs if they interfere with my manga work. Manga is my main job, so I don't want to struggle too much with patterns. The basic idea is always to create patterns that I and the people around me who love kimonos would want, so I always keep that in mind.

Interviewer: Among the cover illustrations you've done over the past two years, there are three instances where you depicted men wearing kimonos. Was there a particular reason for that?

Anno: It's because I feel men should wear kimonos more.

Interviewer: Including Director Hideaki Anno?

Anno: He doesn't wear them. I've tried to get him to wear one by buying things like Ultraman yukatas (light cotton kimono worn in summer) (laughs), but he never wears them.

Interviewer: It seems like it would suit him.

Anno: It doesn't. His legs are too long, so the position of the obi ends up being too high, making him look like a fool (laughs). He also tends to walk with his weight forward, walking all floaty like that. So, he ends up looking like Ganmo (a comic character drawn by Fujio Akatsuka).

Interviewer: Does Hyakuyoudo have men's kimono?

Anno: We've received several requests from men, but we still have few patterns specifically for men.

Interviewer: Nevertheless, designing kimono with polyester material is quite an innovative idea.

Anno: Yes, indeed. Considering the idea of making it easy for people to wear them regularly, it was important that they could be easily washed. When you send a regular kimono to the cleaners, it costs as much as buying a new one. Hemp juban (undergarment worn beneath a kimono) can be washed in a washing machine, which is great, but we're still in the prototype stage. The black ground with the Yukiwa pattern makes it suitable even for men.

Interviewer: Do you have any new ideas for the third year's cover starting soon?

Anno: I'm thinking of making it a bit more like ukiyo-e (Japanese woodblock prints) in style. Not just the design but also adding elements like the artist's signature, explanatory frames, and titles commonly seen in ukiyo-e. I'm considering making it a bit more decorative.

Interviewer: Speaking of ukiyo-e, you recently tweeted about visiting the Ota Memorial Museum of Art in Harajuku, Tokyo, and how deeply moved you were by the "Hiroshige Ojisan Zufu" (Illustrated Book of Mr. Hiroshige).

Anno: It was so much fun. In the landscape paintings by Utagawa Hiroshige, there are lots of tiny old men depicted, and when you look closely at their faces, each one has a different, expressive face, and they're all so cute. None of them have the same face. Some are walking alone, smiling, others look cold, some are happily eating lunch, and others are filled with relief upon finally reaching the inn.

Interviewer: You paid a lot of attention to the details.

Anno: Yes, the expressions of those who arrived at the inn are great. Although they are just extras in the big picture, the personalities of each of those extras are meticulously depicted. Along the Kiso highway, there are three somewhat suspicious-looking characters, sticking out their bellies or warming their backsides by the fire. Those three definitely seem like they could be horse thieves or something. At first glance, because the landscapes are the main focus of the painting, you wouldn't notice them unless you looked closely.

Interviewer: Indeed, you really have to pay close attention to notice.

Anno: Exactly. But when you look closely, it's amazing, isn't it? Apparently, it was first noticed by the curators of a local art museum, and they proposed the exhibition. I admire how they found it. Hiroshige would probably be happy to know that his work was noticed.

Interviewer: That's wonderful. We're looking forward to your ukiyo-e style cover illustrations, Moyoco-san.

Anno: Yes, I'll do my best! (laughs)

(This interview was conducted on April 10th.)

◇ Composition by Taku Yamashita.

First published: "Neppū" June 2023 issue (published by Studio Ghibli)

The Instagram account for Moyoco Anno's kimono brand "Hyakuyoudo" is regularly updated with the latest information.

Sources:

https://note.com/anno_moyoco/n/n611652bab695

https://www.hyakuyoudo.com/

https://www.instagram.com/hyakuyoudo/?hl=es

https://twitter.com/anno_moyoco

https://twitter.com/anno_moyoco/status/1757691347098911015?s=20

#moyoco anno #anime #manga #shojo #josei #shojo manga #josei manga #shojosei #sugar sugar rune #kimono #design #art

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around1302 · 1 year

Text

XII. ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT

SPARE PARTS: a series (12/20)

STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN

(W) strong language, mentions of death, brief plane blowjob and slight mention of fingering

CHARLIE’S POV

Something in me wants to go back to six years ago. I want to be sitting on my bed, my pathetically pink squeaky frame that a sixteen year old me couldn’t have viewed as terrible because she had no other view, and I want to have Poppy rush through the door.

I want Poppy full stop, but I can want her till I go blue in the face. I have, many times.

I want Poppy’s maddening grin (insane grin) bubbling concern and curiosity in me. More so concern. I want to listen to her tell me she found a loophole in the Battle of the Bands audition process that let’s lone performers play with other lone performers.

And I want to tell her to go the fuck away.

I have decided, on this the fifth city stop of our tour, that everything bad (and good) that has happened to me is because of that day.

If I didn’t go to that audition, Poppy wouldn’t have ended up driving several years later to an after party of ours in the middle of the slippery winter night. If I didn’t go to that audition, I wouldn’t have met Zayn and had a consequently heartbreaking next few years that still seem to haunt me, now. If I didn’t go to that audition, I wouldn’t have met Harry.

Which, as I spin through Instagram and try my absolute hardest to be grateful for everything I have at twenty two, is a nice thought.

A very nice thought. It’s six years unriddled with confusion and yearning and grief. God, the grief. Fuck the grief. I understand they say it’s good, it’s how they stay with us, how they stay loved, but is it? When someone laughs at a joke I know Poppy would have rolled her eyes at, or when I smell overly priced musky vanilla perfume, or when I lay in bed at night and let the silence coat me like dirt on a coffin. Is it?

So, I scroll. Distracting myself. Always fucking distracting myself.

@musicnostaglia spare parts recording their most recent album, louder actions (may 2021)

I smile at the images, the memories, programming my brain to focus on all the good so I can’t pine after a life without the bad.

@greeneer i love liam but charlie will always be the better drummer #sorrynotsorry

I type out a comment along the lines of an enthusiastic agreement, one that instantly sends an influx of notifications into my inbox I try not to become overwhelmed over.

But then, it’s when I scroll a little further down in my tagged images, that I stop. It’s not of me. The picture has nothing to do with me, or the rest of the band, yet we’re all tagged regardless. No. The image is Harry, circa 2019, our tour for our first album Bittersweet. Our first tour full stop.

@spxrepxrts missing bittersweet harry today :(

My heart pounds. Stop that.

Harry doesn’t smile like that. I know he’s a different person on stage, to the fans. I’ve had to get used to that over the years, how everyone else adores Harry Styles despite Harry being the most intolerable person I know. But that smile… does he really smile like that on stage?

My breath flutters and I lock my phone, letting the clunk of metal slide next to me. Everyone’s in tonight, wiped out from today’s show and in desperate need of an actual full eight hours for the first time. So far, everyone’s been living tour life up, which has been easy on the earlier shows. This always happens, though. You have fun for a couple cities, then the exhaustion and homesickness kicks in and all you want is your bed and the uncharacteristically tepid sound of North London in the early hours.

Knuckles rap at my door. I nearly cry.

I can’t take another Harry or Zayn thing tonight. Zayn throwing that fucking sledgehammer of a declaration in, despite the clarification of our friendship only a few nights ago, has rendered me emotionally spent. And Harry. Well. I can’t take him looking at me like that while I leave his room again, as if that wasn’t a part of our agreement in the first place.

I don’t recall his clothes (which I still need to return) and late night talking being in the fine print.

The door shakes again, a little louder.

“I’m not in!” I shout, bundling the hotel sheets up in my fists and cocooning myself.

“It’s only me.”

That developing lump in my throat melts.

I rush out of my cocoon and yank the door open, tears nearly streaming at the pure relief of red hair and raspberry shower gel. I didn’t realise how much I needed my best friend until now, and all I want is…

“And Louis.”

Oh. Okay.

Louis smiles meekly at me, but I’m not mad. Surprised? Yes. Mad? Never. As much as Amelia is my sister, Louis is my brother, yet the two of them don’t exactly strike me as a duo to be hanging alone.

“What’s going on, guys?” My brow strikes sceptically. I step aside, letting them into my dark room. I flip on a light, illuminating the suite in fluorescent yellow, realise just how much of a mess everything is.

Bed sheets everywhere, tissues from preemptive tears littered atop. My phone thrown, mascara stains on the crisp pillows (that I’ll definitely be paying for. Fenty doesn’t simply wash out).

“Amelia told me.”

My mouth hangs open as I stare at the perpetrator.

“Traitor.”

“He pulled it out of me!” Amelia holds her hands up, bangles flying down her forearm.

This was not supposed to happen. No one was meant to know, Amelia was a stretch, but sweet Lord, someone in the band? This whole thing is slipping from me so quickly and I’m suddenly craving that time machine again.

“It was relatively obvious, Char,” Louis lilts, that usual sarcasm biting through his tone as he perches on the edge of my bed. Amelia joins him, worrying at her bottom lip as she gages my reaction.

I splutter, making him roll his eyes.

“I literally caught you guys necking it on the other day, on the bus.”

What? “What?”

Louis scoffs. “Did you think you were slick hiding behind the fuckin’ mini fridge? I caught you the second I stepped out, I just had the decency to pretend I didn’t.”

I rake my hands through my knotted curls, feeling the incessant need to pace. “You saw… you saw. And you didn’t say anything? Why?”

Louis shrugs like he’d no more than caught me peeing, or something. “Dunno, felt weird to call you out while you were boobs to the wind,” I cover my face, “I figured if anyone knew anything Lia would, then she spills this whole friends with benefits thing you’ve got going on.”

“We’re not friends.”

“Which is why it’s so dumb.”

“It’s not–” I cut myself off before I defend something that is true. It’s so beyond true I’ve spent every second since the agreement wondering why the Hell I said yes in the first place.

“Babe, it’s a little dumb.” Amelia suddenly juts in.

“Okay,” I breathe, exasperated. My hands land over my oversized tee, perching on my hip as I survey my two best friends, “it’s stupid. But it’s done now, why are you in my room?”

“Because we want to stop you.”

My face scrunches on impulse before I force myself to relax into seeming unbothered by the statement.

“Hear us out,” Louis stands, “you guys hate each other at the best of times, yeah?”

I shrug, not sure how accurate that is anymore.

“At the end of the day, this is only going to end badly. Think of the band, dude. If this winds up like another…”

My throat tightens. “Another Zayn situation?”

Louis’ tongue flicks out to his lower lip, but he defeatedly nods. Ever the one to tell it how it excruciatingly is. “Yeah, that. It’s not just you two you have to think about, but it could split up Spare Parts.”

“I don’t think–”

“How long did it take before you could be in a room with Zayn again?” Amelia stands, too. What the Hell is this? An intervention? Maybe it was needed, but Jesus does this feel condescending.

“Okay, but–”

“I love Haz, but he’s shit to women. You know that. Logistically I’d still like a job, but more importantly I don’t want you to get hurt – which will happen.”

“Right, but if you–”

“And I love this whole sexual liberation thing you’ve got going on, but babe, isn’t Harry the first person you’ve slept with since that girl from the bar a few years ago? Do you really think he’s the way to open this chapter back up?”

“If you just let me–”

“And Harry’s–”

“Stop it!” I scream, about ready to lose my mind. My eyes are squeezed shut and my fists are closed by my side because I just had to swallow shitty thing after shitty thing that, “I have already thought about all of that. Who do you think you’re talking to? I overthink going to the fucking shops, of course I’ve thought about this.”

Amelia’s eyes are doing that sad puppy thing she does when it looks like I’ve just told her Poppy’s died all over again. Louis looks like he’s about to slap me.

“I’m tired of being safe and sad. I genuinely went about my life thinking I’d never be able to have sex without some level of an emotional connection. That woman in the bar sent me into a panic attack, and Zayn wasn’t much easier. But somehow, I don’t think about any of that when I’m with Harry. I just think about the things you’re supposed to think about when you’re having sex, and yes, maybe I won’t go out on dates with him and I won’t have him buy me flowers and I won’t sit and have dinners with his family, but he takes away the loneliness for a temporary, good moment.”

I’m breathless by the time I finish.

“And that’s all I need right now.”

Amelia and Louis are stunned into silence, and it takes me a second to catch my own breath. Because in those moments of pure unfiltered rampage, I realised something.

All of this is bullshit. The tossing and the turning, the pining and the pandering. I’ve spent too much of my life planning every meticulous detail to a scrutinised T, and it hasn’t worked out for me so far.

I’m Charlie fucking Greene. Lead singer of one of the world’s biggest bands right now, millionaire by the age of nineteen, loved by thousands, wanted by hundreds. I sell records, I sell stadiums, I sell my Goddamn self.

I’m too fucking nice for this shit.

“I mean,” Amelia’s the first to puncture the silence, “hell yeah.”

Louis stifles a laugh. “I was waiting for that to happen.”

I feel relief. From what, I’m not entirely sure right now. But relief nonetheless.

“Just be careful, yeah?” Louis narrows his eyes kindly, “we care about you.”

“I know you do.” I nudge his shoulder, smiling at Amelia. “You also need to keep this on the low. Looking at you, Broadstrom.”

Amelia rolls her eyes playfully. “Oh, relax. Louis had already seen your tits before I said anything.”

I bury my face in my hands, groaning into the sweaty darkness as that memory quickly surfaces. Louis cackles, tackling me into a hug I barely reciprocate. I’m too busy trying not to scream obscenities into my palms.

“Charlie, man, I saw nothing,” he lifts my head up, forcing me to look at him, “your Mission Impossible escape was funny as fuck, though.”

“You’re a horny bastard, you know that?” Lia pokes. I snort.

“He brings it out of me, I guess.” I mumble, stifling a chuckle. “Okay, now go so I can get to sleep.”

Vis-a-vis, I need to call Zayn and tell him we’re going to continue to be friends. Vis-a-vis, I need to call Harry straight after and tell him all about the blowjob he’ll be receiving on the plane in the morning.

“I’m going to be really clear on something.”

“Kinda hard to find clarity right now, sweetheart.”

Sweetheart. That’s twice, now.

I would have preferred to do this in the hotel, but in true Harry fashion, he was late to the airport. We had to make our own way this time, the buses already being transported last night. His taxi didn’t show up ten seconds before we were meant to be in the air.

So, plane bathroom it is. Again.

“I don’t want to cuddle after sex,” I lower myself to my knees, the heaving of Harry’s chest as I continue to stroke him dulling my voice to a murmur, “I don’t want to sleep over,” I lick the tip of his cock, making him hiss and clench his fists, “and I don’t want you to get weird about Zayn, or anyone else.”

“Fine.” He pants. “Just, fuckin’, ah,” he tries to muffle his groans in the back of his palm, but when I take him to the back of my throat it looks to take everything in him not to scream, “whatever you want.”

“Whatever I want?” I tease, holding his dick to lick delicious stripes up and down that vein. He nods, not giving a shit what I say apparently, only wanting my mouth back on him as he tries to stay quiet in yet another too-public place to be doing this.

“Promise?” I bunch my hair up, but his hands instantly fly to replace mine as a bobble.

“Yes, Jesus, I promise.”

My lashes flutter as I close my eyes, smiling against his tip before taking him into my mouth and sealing that promise with my tongue.

Things won’t be this easy with Zayn, I’m sure, but as I work Harry till he’s coming down my throat, I realise this is a good decision. The best one, the right one. I’m so tired of being overemotional, and if fucking Harry and ignoring Zayn is the answer so be it.

Because screw the bullshit. Being sad is boring.

I at least know it’s the right decision when Harry lifts me back to his lips and slips his fingers into my sweatpants, slamming his hand over my mouth as I cry into his palm.

taglist: @lilfreakjez @be-with-me-so-happily @sirtommyholland @tpwksm @b-reads-things @tiaamberxx @daphnesutton

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astriiformes · 3 months

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Just found your blog and i just wanted to ask a few questions from your pinned post. They're a bit of a mixed bag, but thank you for extending the offer and for taking the time to read this

Is Minnesota a relatively strong union state? Are the winters/summers more dry or humid? And finally, do you generally feel safe in your day to day including going to the doctors office?

As far as I know, Minnesota is a fairly strong union state! Like most states in the country now, there's been a significant uptick in union activity here in the last several years, and I know that in the last legislative session there were a few pretty significant pro-worker laws that were passed, including one that bars employers from holding anti-union captive audience meetings.

My queerplatonic partner was actually involved in helping her workplace unionize back in 2021, and the votes at her store (as well as several other Twin Cities locations) were near-unanimous in favor for establishing a union. Many of the local museums and the University of Minnesota's graduate students have all unionized in the past year or two as well. It's definitely something we're seeing a lot of here, which I've found encouraging.

As far as the weather here, the summers are definitely pretty humid. That's one of the big things I had to adjust to, since I'm not a fan of the humid summer heat, but it's bearable considering it also doesn't get as hot here as it does in some of the other more humid parts of the country. (And if you ever want to indulge in one of the favorite local ways to beat the summer heat, I know at least one Twin Cities-area trans organization that does a yearly lakeside picnic, so people can feel safer swimming together.) The winters, however are very, very dry. It's a bit of both extremes.

I feel like there are enough variables when it comes to safety that I should specify I am a white, relatively non-passing, transmasculine person, although I do have other trans friends all over the spectrum of identities who I could talk to about other experiences. I, personally feel pretty safe in my day-to-day life, even as someone pretty visibly trans, but I know there are some areas where I'm more privileged. Also, I've actually had shockingly good experiences with doctors in my time here, though I know some people who have had more mixed ones. As it stands, I'd say it's definitely possible to find good providers here, even if some of the same pitfalls as anywhere apply.

If I can clarify anything further, or if you think of other questions, please let me know! And feel free to check out my Minnesota tag on my blog where I've answered some other people's questions, too

#transblogging #land of eldritch lakes

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polarisdelphi · 5 months

Text

Redbubble Shop Update - 2024

Hey ho, everyone!

So, a long time ago, in 2021, I set up a little Redbubble shop, but didn't really go far with it. I just let it sit there while trying to put my life back into place.

And after all those years, someone actually bought a sticker and that made me so happy :3

Since I'm taking some time off for myself and, again, to get life back on track, I figured why not revamp my little shop. Who knows, maybe this time I can work more on my art and put some nice things in there ^^

Because of that, I'll be taking down some artworks and replacing for others and such.

I'll be travelling from next week until next month, so I'll probably start the whole revamp process in February - that being said the arts available now will be there until February.

I'll be taking down my two DMC artworks:

And my RPD Leon artwork (I'll put Carlos' alongside this one 'cause I don't want HUGE Leon breaking the text, forgive my little organization thing hahahaha):

The reason why I'll be taking them down, it's because since then my art changed a LOT, I changed my signature and all that, so I want to replace them with more recent art.

This post is just to tell you guys that, if you want to buy some stickers of said old artworks, they'll be available there until February! I think there's a Holiday sale, so it's a good time to do so :)

(I have only stickers listed, if I'm not wrong, but if you'd like something else with the artwork, feel free to message me and I'll list it there - though I think that'll be highly unlikely ^^)

Here's the link to my Redbubble shop: Winter Polar Atelier

I'll change the name too, but that's the name I used to go by hahahaha before I turned into my true form, Polaris

Who would've known, selling one sticker would motivate me to revive the whole thing...?

*Bury The Light playing faintly in the distance, approaching ominously with Dante riding his bike and Vergil on the back holding the speakers to throw motivation right in my face*

I wish you all a great end of the year and a nice Holiday season! See you soon!

#my art #fanart #art #dmc #devil may cry #illustration #resident evil #resident evil leon #redbubble #stickers #dmc dante #dmc vergil #re leon #dante and vergil suplexing me with motivation after a tough year #I'll see what I'll do with the shop #it's not like I have a whole bunch of stuff but hey #one sticker ever once in a while is nice ^^#hahaha I really wasn't expecting that

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dearweirdme · 4 months

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Hey, can ya'll please help me to determine if I'm going crazy or not because I'm not a shipper and honestly think shipping is kinda silly and fetish-y but I saw something really kinda weird to me and now I can't find it. I'm a tae bias so I sometimes cross paths with taekookers on social media whether I like it or not. (I'm not trying to be demeaning coz I might end up one of ya'll tomorrow or something depending how this turns out lol) and I saw a clip that I completely lost track of. I accidently refreshed while trying to replay it and now I can't find it on my feed but it was of a performance of life goes on and it was JK focused and the tweeter was claiming that JK was kinda like mapping out Tae's moles on his own face (jks face) and you know what, I think that motherfucker was right! He was touching his face and I KNOW taes face so I'm almost 95% certain that he was actually tracking the places where his moles are and if that's really what happened then I'm struggling to find a platonic reason why the f someone would??? Like this is one thing (and I've seen some nonsense) that isn't giving bros being bros to me at all. He did it so fluid as well.

So the performance is life goes on and JK has the icy blonde half slick back, half shaved and the stage and the guys are in white or icy blue. Like the whole performance looked very icy and very winter.

I'd appreciate it of anyone knew where to find it so I can take another look and ideally look at the whole performance to see if there's context I'm missing or of anyone knows what I'm talking about and has any context and wouldn't mind sharing.

I'm not looking to shit on this ship or anything. I don't ship because I genuinely don't believe that members are dating and if they were, it wouldn't make any difference to me but now this one clip has got me so damn curious and I don't know whether it's just taekookers cookin up shit again or if there really is something to it 🙏🏽

Hi anon!

Sorry for responding late... busy times!

Well, you're not wrong.. Jk did do that and it was a deliberate action imo.

Things like this end up in my pile of "huh, that's interesting!" because we have no waf knowing what was going through Jk's mind and no way of knowing what the meaning of that was to him. When I think of possible other explanations, I draw a blank. It doesn't fit the lyrics he's singing, and he does point out some places that Tae has moles and he does follow up with a V pose knowing it would be on camera. Proof? Not imo... odd... yes.

I couldn't find a clip of the whole performance. But it was PTD on October 24/25 2021 (thanks to Kayla for documenting so well @taekooktimeline).

We definitely don't make everything up anon. Maybe we interpret stuff differently from some, but the actions are their own.

#taekook

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hypnotisedfireflies · 8 months

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What’s the funniest/dummest reason Tess or Joel knocked someone out. Like, did Tess ever really like someone’s shoes and Joel did her the favor ha.

Hahaha! Oh anon, you get a little ficlet. 🥰

You Haven't Seen Everything

Winter, 2021

"But getting out of Miami," Axel continued, placing another bag of cocoa on the scales, "that was something else. You ever seen infected on rollerblades? No? You haven't seen everything yet."

"Great, can you just concentrate on the merchandise, please?" Tess gestured to the pile.

"Oh sure, sure. Don't worry, I do this all the time."

Axel, with his shaved skull and toxic green mohawk bristling down the centre, gamely nodded at the scales as he pulled off the Ziploc bag and added it to the pile. He was a new contact. It had been worth travelling to this middling little New Hampshire town to meet him, but Joel was starting to think it wasn't worth the noise.

He leaned up harder against the wall like he could burrow his spine into the plaster and disappear. They were dealing in an old art supplies store, turned over and trashed, the wasted materials swept up against the walls like snowdrifts. Axel had set up a table in the bare centre and was scooping cocoa powder from a massive tin into the little bags, weighing them one by one. Tess sat opposite. Joel could see the patience sapping out of her with every breath Axel took.

But cocoa was a hot, rare property right now. It was the first time it had surfaced in the Boston QZ in years. Certainly not in the eleven since they'd made it home.

"I was hiding out in this Olive Garden? It was right on Miami Beach. All these infected staggering by on wheels. I just know that we got wheeled clickers down there. Board shorts and bikinis. That's something, right? Yeah, I seen some shit down there. I was in this golf club? You know the little carts?"

He looked between a silent Tess and a silent Joel.

"You know the buggies?"

Silence.

"Yeah. So there's these little buggies. You drive around the course on them. Just enough room for you, your buddies, your clubs. Make the caddy walk, though! The caddy, he goes after your balls. Not your actual balls, like your hairy gonads, but your golf balls. They hand you your clubs."

Joel slowly filled up his lungs. Axel slowly filled up the bags and carefully weighed them, one by one.

"I was hiding in this golf club. Beautiful place. Big ocean views. And we went to war, not against the infected, but against the club across the way! You talk about your gang wars, you know, but these rich old guys went to war with each other riding buggies like white Arab chargers. You ever seen old guys in polos whacking each other with putters out the side of a buggy? No? You haven't seen everything yet."

Tess stood up. "That's our cut. You're done?"

"Huh? What? Oh."

Disappointed, Axel watched Tess load her backpack up with the precious bags of cocoa. The trade - FEDRA-grade antiseptic, water purification tablets and a bottle of lube - sat on the edge of the table. Tess reshouldered the pack.

"Thanks. You know the frequency. Buzz us if you get something else interesting."

"Sure, sure. Let me show you out. So after the gold club, I thought that was too much for me, I got on this Greyhound bus. You know all the urban legends about them, right?"

Axel led them down the back, cheerful tongue wagging to the very end. Joel's chest began to lock up and his palms tingled.

"You ever take a Greyhound bus back in the old days? Overnight? Those were wild. You ever see that movie, Midnight Cowboy? Anyway I got on this bus. And you know who was on it? The Army of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. You ever seen Mormons fighting the forces of Satan in sunny Tampa? No?"

Tess gave Joel a slight nod.

He grabbed Axel by the scruff of the neck and turned him ninety degrees. He banged his face against the wall, hard and just once. That was all it took. He let go and Axel's unconscious body slid bonelessly to the floor.

"You haven't seen everything yet," Joel muttered.

Tess lifted the bar on the door and they stepped outside into the crisp winter afternoon. They were going to have to book it if they'd make it back to their own Olive Garden before dark.

#driftersverse #asks #tlou #tlou fanfic #joel x tess #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #tess servopoulos #joel miller #tessjoel

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queen-of-the-avengers · 1 year

Text

Let’s Go Back to the Beginning

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.7k

Warnings: overstimulation torture, angst, mind control, mind wiping, abuse, trauma, winter solider trauma-type, being beaten down and broken to nothing

Request by anon: May i have a guess on vixens life pre hydra? Do you think she was a daughter of a dress maker and a father that is an architect from the past who show their little girl skills she can use when shes older from sketching , sewing and couple more . If they passed away in an untimely event (events in 1939) she though she was safe in central europe while carrying some clothing , sketchbook and has a place when she moved to the netherlands but she ended up in germany where everything is tight while she is working with a local tailor/dress making shop where some point in the early fortes walking home first hydra spies took her to do experiments then the torture and few more with the gasslight method . She meets bucky first as bucky when in catfa before rescued from the factory . Vixen was the guard for buck , he did charm her but they only talk Buck:how about untying me doll Vixen*shakes head*thats not my orders sargent. Id love too but i cant The time she "met"cap was in a fight on the plane schmidt was on and she dawned a full covered suit even face was masked while also controled by hydra a starter trial of brain wash comand that buck will have soon . The fight ended with vixen being plumbed off the plane during take off . Meeting bucky as winter soildier he was curious at first after the program installed in him . Vixens handler comands her to attack as winter soildiers handler mentions "this is the star of your training...." Few years on and these two are a deadly pair time and time vixen off their control and fails to be memory wipped remembers it all as it haunts her while the bad guys found out the type of serum shes in vixen can never age, body injuries heal (ex: someone punches her and jaw disproportion it snaps back quick to original position) agility, strength etc . Some of the male agents find it hot the original guys even plucked a lady like her , they tried to take advantage of her till she snaps and can kill many agents that surounded her . The scientists even zola amused of this stealth version . More experiments and extractions to make many like her failed she laughs at how they cant even make another they want to hit her but she has a point till zola puts her in a type of chamber and the only torture they have specificly for the super soildiers next to physical beatings is "sensory overload" its painful to thoes with enhanced/sensitive sences the manner of its procdure is diffrent from the mind wipe that bucky is put under. Times they are awake long and kept hidden they share a cell no matter how many times winters head got mushed . When she first escapes she went to asia second in another place . Final escape that hydra didnt get her to beat her up was a year after winter is with steve undergoing rehab which also lead to hydras downfall . Hiding in various places . Sketchbook +pen/pencil at hand with some jobs here and there to help herself she temporarily settled in a place where she isnt hunted to be "their" weapon .

Summary: Your life before the storm. Your life before you were known as Vixen. You were fine. You had a family. HYDRA took you and broken you down into something they wanted. This is your fight, and this is your story.

Squares Filled: unwilling mission partners (2021) for @avengersbingo

Part One: Cat and Mouse Part Two: Femme Fatale Part Three: I Can Do This All Day Part Four: Worth Celebrating

Author’s Note: any and all comments are appreciated <3

The slabs of fabric are heavy in your arms, but you carry them back to your mom’s shop with a smile on your face. Today, she’s teaching you how to sew sleeves onto a bodice. She is a very well-known dressmaker that everyone goes to in your small town. She has orders for days, but she takes her time to make sure each order is as best as it can be.

Your dad is an architect that also gets a lot of business. He gets to travel all around Europe and explore different parts of the country, sometimes going outside of it for business. No matter where he goes, he always manages to come back with beautiful pictures and amazing stories.

Drawing and sewing is one of your passions, so you’d always draw the pictures your dad brings home and hang them up everywhere inside your home. You’ve sold a few of them to friends and family but you’re far from being the renowned artist that everyone wants.

In the meantime, you’re working in your mom’s shop and learning to make clothes.

“Mama, I’m here,” you call out when you enter the store.

“Baby, you carried all of that?”

“It’s no big deal. I got everything you needed.” Your mom takes the fabrics from you and sets them down with the others. “Did you finish?”

“Yes, do you want to see it?”

“Of course,” you grin.

She takes you to the back where the beautiful dress she just finished hangs from the door. You’re in awe at how seamless this looks. This is the last beautiful thing you saw before tragedy struck.

The war happened.

The Germans invaded Europe, and your parents suffered because of it. Your mom’s little shop was the setting for something horrific, and both your parents died in the crossfire. The only thing you were able to salvage was a handful of fabrics, your sketchbooks and some pens, and the dress your mother made before this happened.

You were forced out of your own country, and you fled to Germany hoping it would be better than the life you had in Europe. Everything became dull after that--dull colors, dull environment, and a dull life.

You did your best to keep your head down and focus on your art, and you even got a job at a dressmaking store that was on the verge of closing. Who you were before is so far from where you are, that you miss the woman you used to be. Now, you’re shyt to the point where you can’t talk to others without wanting to cry. Now, your confidence and self-esteem is barely above ground level.

Now, you wish you had died in the bomb that destroyed your mother’s shop.

The war still goes on, but Germany is more focused on invading other countries that they tend not to make their own a war field. You thought you were going to be safe from any more pain and destruction.

You were wrong.

HYDRA took this time as an opportunity to recruit people for their own secret projects while the Germans were busy fighting so that no one would look their way. They went around and took people from their homes, and you just so happened to be one of them. You never saw them coming. One day you were walking from your home to the store, and the next, you were waking up in a lab.

That was the first of many painful nights with HYDRA.

After months of being beaten into shape and torn down to pieces, were you able to be let off your leash a bit. HYDRA saw a scared young woman and decided to make her a killer--a deadly weapon for their pleasure. HYDRA never stopped gathering people, not even as soldiers fought in Germany--American soldiers.

The one person that stood out to them was Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th. They saw his potential, and you were assigned to guard him while he was being kept at their facility. The other men he was with are away from this sector since James was being experimented on for HYDRA’s purpose.

Your job was to guard his body and to stand by for further instructions.

“Come on, doll, let me go.”

You’re still very new to HYDRA’s brainwashing, so the old you is still trying to claw her way to the surface, but you know if you disobey Schmidt, you’ll suffer more than you ever have. The one thing you learned very quickly is not to interfere with their plans.

If you do as you’re told, you’ll survive with minimal damage.

“I’d love to, James,” you whisper, “but those aren’t my orders.”

Your orders were to keep him in here and not let him go, but things always don’t go to plan. You planned for an attack, but you never planned for Captain Steve Rogers to come rescue him. He put up a good fight, and since you’re still in your training days, he beat your ass.

When Schmidt found out, he was pissed, but he still let you go after Steve to kill him. After a week of beating you back into shape, were you ready to fight Steve.

Schmidt brought you on the plane he was going to use to bomb the United States using the Tesseract--the same plane Steve hijacked. Schmidt takes out the red notebook that is the source of your nightmares, and says the twelve words you hate hearing. The twelve simple words in Russian that rewire your brain into the mindless killing machine he made you out to be.

“Go. Take care of him,” Schmidt ordered.

You take out two very long daggers and leave the main room to search for the super soldier. The mask you’re wearing is black and covers most of your face except for your eyes. It matches your skin-tight suit that allows you to be flexible and agile, something that you’re very good at using.

You search the plane and find Steve trying to be stealthy. Red fills your vision, and you charge at him with the daggers, but he blocks your attempt with his shield. You kick the shield and use the momentum to do a backflip so you’re on your feet again. With both daggers in your hands, you swipe at the skin you can see, but he knocks one out of your hand with the shield.

All you’ve been training with are other humans and test dummies, so fighting an actual super soldier is a bit harder whether you’re in death mode or not. Steve manages to get the upper hand on you, and pushes the button that opens the back of the plane where people can offload things.

Due to the extreme wind, you lose your footing, and Steve kicks you in the stomach which causes you to fly out the back of the plane.

That’s the last time you saw Steve for over seventy years. The plane crashed, and everyone thought he died. Schmidt was taken somewhere else thanks to the Tesseract, and that fell into the ocean, never to be seen again. The serum in your body allowed you to survive the freezing temperatures until HYDRA eventually found you.

There, you learned they found Bucky without an arm, but they provided him with a vibranium one that they stole from Wakanda. It was then that they decided to kickstart the Winter Soldier program, to manipulate him like how they manipulated you. To turn him into a deadly assassin for their gain.

One bulky Winter Soldier and a flexible Vixen to do their bidding.

You helped train Bucky, you helped destroy his mind, and you eventually became his insufferable partner. At first, you dreaded working with him since all you’ve done with him was train, however, that changed really quick.

You two became the deadliest couple to ever walk the Earth, and if HYDRA sent both of you out together, then there would be no survivors.

“Mission report,” Zemo asks when you two get back from your mission.

“No survivors. Mission complete,” you say in almost a trance.

“Good. Follow me.”

You and Bucky are taken to the room where they perform your memory wipe so that when you revert back to your normal selves, you won’t remember what you did. It’s safer that way, Zemo often claims. You and Bucky are set up to the machines, and you look over at him. He is shirtless, so you can see where his metal arm meets his skin. He doesn’t look too good, and you know that he is being skinned from the inside out, but you can’t do anything about that.

You’re set up with the same machine, and the process begins. Electricity flows through your brain, and both you and Bucky bite down on the belt they forced into your mouths. You scream and would cry if you weren't so focused on not dying. The serum they gave you and Bucky helps with the pain tolerance, so people like you can take more than a normal human.

As soon as the process is done, you’re taken back to your cell where you cry yourself to sleep. You’re free from their mind games for right now, but you remember everything you did. You remember every kill, every person who ran from you in fear, and how Bucky did the exact same thing.

The memory wipe did not work, and you silently cry for the person you wish to be.

This isn’t the person you’re supposed to be. You’re supposed to be kind, loving, and to want to help others, not broken, stripped down, and a killer. You don’t know who to be, and you don’t know how to escape the torture they put you through.

One day, you’ll get to leave, but that day is looking too far ahead to even matter.

This serum turned you into a whole new person. You don’t age anymore, your injuries heal instantly, you’re very stealthy, you have incredible agility and strength, and you’re everything that a superhero has… yet, you’re not the hero.

You’re the villain.

After years of enduring their mind control, you’re let off your leash a bit. You’re not able to go outside, but you can roam the halls of the base you’re in. There is a bar in the main room where you’re allowed to go, but not many people get to go there. The agents who work in the base are allowed to, and all chatter stops when they see you.

“One tequila, please,” you say to the bartender.

“So, they let you out of your cage, huh?” a male agent says.

“Piss off,” you roll your eyes.

“What are you going to do if I don’t?”

“Cameron, stop. She’s the deadliest,” one of his friends whispers to him.

“I don’t give a fuck. She’s our bitch, and we determine when she gets let out of her cage.” You take the tequila from the bartender and down it before staring at the glass. “She won’t do shit.”

In a fit of rage, you slam the glass to the side of Cameron’s head, and he grunts out in pain from the impact. Every agent is on your ass the second it happens, and you jump onto the shoulders of one of them. You punch his skull repeatedly, even when brain matter spills out.

The other agents who don’t want to be killed escape to get help, but the others put up a very good fight… you’re just better.

When the agent can no longer stand because he’s dead, you jump off his body and onto the next, using your thighs to choke him out. When he can no longer breathe, you jump off and bring him with you, flipping and slamming him to the ground.

One by one, you take out each agent until all that’s left is a pile of dead bodies around you. The only way they were able to subdue you is through the infectious gas they pump through the vents. Your vision goes blurry, and you drop to your knees.

The other agents move in with masks on, and you’re taken to the lab where they always experiment on you. You’ve passed out from the drugs, but when you come to, you see Zemo arguing with one of the scientists.

“What do you mean you can’t replicate her? Take her blood and make the same serum.”

“You can’t figure it out,” you chuckle tiredly. “Some villain you are.”

“Shut up,” Zemo glares at you.

“When I get out of here, I’m going to kill you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me. I just killed two dozen agents on my own. What can you do to me?”

“Punish you into submission,” Zemo grins.

Instead of testing your blood, you’re taken to the room where your memory gets wiped. It hasn’t worked for the last few times, and you think your body is holding onto those memories as the serum grows stronger inside you.

You’re hooked up to machines and placed on a table that resembles a body stretching machine. Zemo wastes no time overstimulating your senses to the point where a mere thought is enough to make you cry.

He electrocutes you, overstimulates your ears by setting off loud noises, flashes lights very close to your eyes, and cuts your skin only to do it again when it heals. He did this for hours to the point where you would cry and shrink into yourself at the thought of him doing this again.

“Maybe next time, you’ll listen,” Zemo says.

You have to get out of here. You have to escape if you want to survive. You’re done being their little bitch, and it’s time you start thinking of yourself.

The first time you escaped, you didn’t know where to go. You took a plane to the first place that became available: Asia. As soon as you touched down, you didn’t know where to go or what to do, but unfortunately, you didn’t have time to figure it out.

HYDRA caught you once the airports saw your picture and name. Of course, they punished you for it, but as soon as you got in their good graces, you attempted to escape again. This time, you knew what not to do.

The second time you escaped, you fled back to the UK where you’re from. This time, you didn’t fly, but you took trains and a boat to get there. This time, you were smarter about hiding from HYDRA, but they ultimately found you two months later.

They didn’t go easy on the torture this time, and you were broken down. The only person who got you through it was Bucky. But even he didn’t last that long.

By the time you were planning your third escape, HYDRA was falling apart. Bucky was rescued and taken to Wakanda for rehab, and the other super soldiers were put into cryo-sleep and stored away. The only person they left alone was you in hopes that you would avenge their organization.

The third and final time you escaped, you took all of your sketchbooks and fled to the United States. You took odd jobs here and there to support yourself, and that work eventually led you to New York where you’ve been ever since.

You finally escaped HYDRA’s clutches, and what they left behind was a broken person who is just trying to do good in the world. Your little red notebook is still out there, and you always have the fear that you’ll run into someone who knows the words to make everything you fought for disappear.

You’ll keep fighting, and the only way to truly beat them is to take them down one at a time. Six months went by until you got news of a file that could kill millions if it got into the wrong hands. If HYDRA got their hands on it, they could definitely rebuild.

The only way that's going to happen is over your dead body.

You’re done being their weapon, and it’s time to start fighting for you.

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