#can you IMAGINE letting OWEN HUNT touch you

[vulpixelates]

anyway. now on my third grey's anatomy rewatch in less than that many years 🙃🙃

i missed cristina so much, it's so wild that there's almost as much of the show without her as with her now

[erstwhilesparrow]

god there are so many little bits of outsiders that make me want to chew glass. in an effort to exorcise some thoughts:

there's something really fantastically horrifying about how much visual and mental space the maze takes up for almost all of the server's run, contrasted with the fact that we learn in the owenge q&a that the maze is one of multiple scenarios, built by STARR for a handful of seasons and ultimately meaning nothing. all this about learning the maze, this structure that was the outsiders' whole world for what they believed to be years, and it was a set piece that might not ever be used again. i can't stop thinking about the fact that on the literal actual minecraft server, the maze was built floating in the sky, and like, yeah. it was for this one server and nothing else. i get why you'd build it like that, in terms of practical concerns, but god. to know that thing never even touched the 'actual' ground.

hey. cc!owen PLAYS A GOOD FUCKING HEEL. oh my god he's good at playing the bad guy. this is not like thoughtful analysis at all but being able to hear so clearly the shift in tone when he goes into hunting mode, the willingness to just let things sit in silence, the way he completely sells a character's absolute conviction. the way when he has a knife in his mostly-empty hotbar during Spill Your Guts the distance between the currently selected slot and the knife right next to it feels like a tangible weight somehow!

speaking of which. please tell me the berries in his hotbar during his demon killing spree aren't raspberries. i can't actually identify them because i'm not familiar with the mod but i think if they're raspberries i would simply explode into a million bits of confetti.

hey remember how there was a giant underground reservoir beneath the clearing containing the skeleton of some enormous creature? was that fucked up or what.

hey also remember how one of the last written records left by the people who died in the frozen clearing was about how at least their friends got to die peacefully, in their sleep? remember how the maze was full of notes scribbled on pieces of paper and scrawled in blood on the walls trying to warn them, begging them to get out, hoping against hope that their last words might mean something? remember how mohwee's last words to the outsiders were take care of each other? they tried so hard to look out for each other, and whether they ever did it especially well is an open question but MAN. you can't say they didn't try.

even after deciding apo can rot down in the prison, owen still says, "the next time i see him is when i go shackle his hands together, and drag him through that maze to get him out." in the wake of the [don't dirty my name again] conversation, owen promises rasbi, "we came up together, we're gonna get out of here together." even with his faith in -- and i think i will argue that this is accurate phrasing -- the world shattered, owen has no concept of actually leaving either of them behind. he can't even imagine it. ;-; .

i don't know what the event is called in canon so i'm going to refer to it as [the clearing event with the scuffed mcc energy], the one where acho drowns, and it delights me that the nature of the medium is such that sometimes when owen says something, it becomes true because he said it. (i mean, this is true for all of them, but i say owen because he's the one i watched and he has an interesting degree of narrative control by virtue of having such a comprehensive pov.) acho didn't die in a way that minecraft the game would necessarily call a death, i'm not convinced what happened to him was distinguishable from what the characters call being 'downed' in the maze, but because owen said it, on some level, yeah, acho did die in there. isn't it so fun how you can kill someone by saying they died? reach back through linear time and make true what wasn't before? and i think about this and i think about how often owen declared apo dead, and how it makes apo not just a ghost but a sort of schrodinger's cat. apo is alive except no he isn't except yes he is. reality is so frighteningly malleable in mcrp.

[jaxxsoxxn]

Feel free to ignoring this ( pls don't), so as you're one of the few people that listen to what I have to say about speedsters, here are some of my negative speedster hcs:

People, in fact, don't realise how dengerous, and scary, speedsters really are until its too late.

- almost every one in this condiction suffers from delusions. Like the negative speed force telling Eobard that he is a monster and him beliving that with all his soul (he in fact is) and he can not change, so he must make Barry's life a living hell forever.( For Owen a see him have some mental problems like Jinx from Arcane).

- They commit antropophagy. As you know speedsters need to eat a lot, and having in mind that the negative ones are "crazy" and by nature they have a too strong predator instinct, i just gonna leave this info here....( really want to talk about this, but dont want to sound weird)

- they can mimic other peoples voices. Speaking is basically vibrating the vocal chords, so a speedster can imitate anyone, and remembering the last hc, they can use it as a hunting tecnic. ( just like those criptids or skinwalkers).

- sexual impulses. They can be predators in any meaning of the word, and they have enough intelect to make plans, and at some point they may want to setisfy an urge...( it dosen't mean everyone of them do that, but again, just saying)

-claptomaniacs. They dont steal things for its value, they steal stuff because it looks intresting for them, when they dont want it anymore they just throw it away.( That aplies to humans too, the speedster can kidnap a person, just because they liked something in that person, thats not necesarilly sexual, they can spend hours looking at that person or hearing them talk.)

And thats are the most things that worried me about speedsters, I don't fear them losing their mind and messing up the multiverse, I fear them if they lose their mind and start to hunting people in the woods, and in big ass Citys that dont mind if somebody desapered.

Thanks for reading ❤! Hope you finded that at least a little scary and realistic, I want to become a terror and body horror writer in the future. I know its dosent about your AU but I would like to share it with another Flash fan.

I am a Twane hater first and foremost, so-

Also, Kaliesuriens, henlo :D

But, let's chat about it, in points! But imma use my ver of Owen as the main silly guy--

I imagine Owen would defiantly let the speedforce take over his mind at first, he's obsessive over coming back, even when he's "back". He needs everything to be exactly how he wants it, and negative Speedforce feeds into it - "Yes, you are right. How could it happen? It had no right, you didn't allow it." type of stuff. A child, who is stripped of all the control it could have, would fight for it with nails and teeth.

I do wonder if they'd commit autosarcophagy (autocannibalism). Time for speedsters is a horrid thing, and with Owen? Owen, who was stuck in speedforce and suddenly left, hungry and bitter - too animalistic to care. I mean, he heals so quickly and it hurts only a little, the meat is so fresh, even if the hair sometimes gets annoying. I do imagine he does not care for rawness of meat- And if he finds humans harder to hide, to get in time? Well, the corpses of animals with marks of human nails ripping through their flesh and teeth marks that couldn't be any other animal's? But remember not to touch it- not to move it. Speedsters always come back to their last place of hunt. Obsessive little things.

Owen, now twenty-five, still sounding like the sacred eight years old. Boomer has nightmares of his blood-red eyes and his silhouette leaning above him - so skinny and yet grown. His body so unlike his baby son, yet the same voice calling for his dad, for his papa - "Please, da, what did I do? Why aren't you looking at me?" He wakes up sick to his stomach. Owen, angry how others get their parents, hiding in a forest and hunting one of the rangers, knowing that he has a young daughter. They have everything, her last birthday he took her to Disneyland, while she whined that it's not Disney World - how dare they? How dare she. Only two "dad, help!" and he's exactly where he needs him.

Speedsters, at all, have a strong sexual drive for me - I mean, they do not have to rest at all. Mixed with stronger instincts? Damn. When Owen is home, softer - tamer, it's not that big of a deal. Until Axel comes over with rogues, so loud and eye catching. They both are horrid for each other, but only one of them might end up with scars after their meetings. Pied Piper jokes about being attacked by a feral cat.

I just wanna mention - with Kleptomania, it's qualified under inability to control impulses (the stolen stuff has literally 0 value, some give it away some throw it away) or at least was! But also, I doubt speedsters feel the guilt and anxiety later. But it's still under the "lacking control over impulses" which I believe is common under the Speedster fam tree. I also want to say that even while Boomer's not a speedster/handmade speedster, I can imagine that he has Kleptomania on some lighter lvl. It's just not as common, but when it hits, it hits pretty hard. He usually ends up giving the trinkets or even bigger things to other rogues. They know about his little issue. When he learns that Owen also does so, he worries that it's biological, but Weather Wizard helps him to figure out that it's not actually the same. (biggest thing he took - a chair from the police station, left it in the nearest trash can. He believed back then that he wanted to do it and did it to prove to himself that he can. He learned around a month later that it's really not that.)

So ye, ofc I had to put some stuff about Boomer and Owen (a lot of stuff about Owen), but what can I do :'D

Thing with Speedsters hunting, especially in DC universe, they would blend in with everything. You hunt near Gotham? Few people disappearing a week is the norm, if you're good enough, no-one notices.

Also, they can vibrate through the walls - whatcha gonna do? Creature Owen seems fun, but imma stay with my normal Owen, especially since in his main surviving au it's Digger with the speed and he got his pop's great agility. (gonna @kaliesuriens bc last time it didnt inform ya)

[gffa]

Last time I went about five months between doing a set of STAR WARS fic recs, this time it’s only been three months! Hurrah! It helps that, as always, this fandom puts out an incredible amount of excellent fic, so I feel like I’m never hurting for fics I want to yell about and shove at people, which is something I continue to appreciate as it often feels like so much of the world is such a huge tire fire. It helps to be able to find fics to retreat into, to have fun with, to express joy and creativity with, and so many of the authors in this fandom are just so good at this! To the point that these sets sometimes take awhile because there are always more fics I want to add, until the post starts threatening to be overly long instead of a decent length–in my defense, no seriously, you guys are just too good! Also, I forced myself to stop at 69 fic recs, because yes I do think it’s funny. (Nice.) STAR WARS FIC RECS: PREQUELS RECS: ✦ a comedy in four acts by jesuisdeux, obi-wan & dooku & yoda & qui-gon & cast, time travel, 4k    This was what time-travel is: staring at the dark sockets of skulls everywhere your gaze lands on. Being haunted by ghosts long gone. The apprehension of the slow yet sure approach of the inevitable which is sending chills down your spine. ✦ No Rest for the Weary by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan & anakin & jedi & ocs, 61k    Needing a break from life at the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi and his apprentice, Anakin Skywalker, visit a Jedi AgriCorps settlement on the Midrim planet of Helia. There they encounter new friends, new enemies and have new adventures, all while attempting to navigate their sometimes turbulent relationship as Master and Padawan. ✦ Stars of Tatooine by Be_Right_Back, ahsoka & kanan & mace & rex & obi-wan & cast, 10.5k    After the end of the world, Ahsoka more or less kidnaps a child, has to air some old grievances, and tries to find whatever peace the universe can still offer. All paths in the Force lead home, eventually. ✦ Festival of Light by dendral, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & rex & cast, 8.7k    During his first year at the Jedi Temple, Anakin learns that even the Jedi celebrate holidays. ✦ the master, the padawan, the Force by skatzaa, depa & caleb, 1.4k    Caleb expects things to be different after Master Depa takes him as her padawan, but really, it feels like nothing really changes. ✦ desecrate my lungs by loosingletters, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & padme & cast, 16k wip    Time-travel fix-it in which Mustafar haunts Anakin decades after it happened and years before it would. ✦ Grace by dismantlingsummer, obi-wan & anakin, 2.3k    Shortly after Mustafar, Anakin realizes what he has done. He finds Obi-Wan to beg for death. ✦ Fifth Migration by wrennette, yoda & mace & obi-wan & ki-adi & yarael & coleman & plo & palpatine & cast, 2k    How about an AU where the Sith’s Grand Plan accounted for everything -everything that is, except the fact that the Jedi temple is actually an very ancient spacecraft and the second word got to the Jedi about there being clones on Kamino, all Jedi are called back inside and they take off immediately? Just imagine the dear chancellor’s face… ✦ fill pages with scribbled ink by magneticwave, obi-wan/padme & sabe & mace & quinlan & cast, 9.8k    A year after the Invasion of Naboo, Jedi Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi is invited by Queen Amidala to return to Naboo and participate in a rite known as the Night of Fireflies. Things kind of snowball from there. ✦ Mind Your Words by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan & anakin, spanking, 7k    Obi-Wan reminds Anakin that there are consequences for careless behavior for young Jedi on missions. ✦ (you taught me) the courage of stars by grumpyhedgehogs, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka & cast, 5.1k wip    Ahsoka Tano flees after a warrant for her arrest is issued, but not before receiving aid from an unexpected ally. (Ahsoka proceeds to go on a road trip filled with a bunch of strangers who all say the same thing: Obi-Wan Kenobi is much more than he has ever appeared to be.) ✦ they faked it (guess everything’s complicated) by katierosefun, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, 4.5k    Ahsoka temporarily loses memories of the events of Obi-Wan’s fake death. To help with the healing process, Anakin and Obi-Wan have to pretend that they’re okay. ✦ programed to dream by ghostwriterofthemachine, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, body horror, 1.3k    The spaceship Comet-rider is the fastest, most efficient vessel in the galaxy, and is crewed by Separatist-funded pirates. Anakin Skywalker is missing. Unfortunately, these two things are connected. ✦ Unpleasant Truths by hellowkatey, obi-wan & anakin, 2.1k    Obi-Wan and Anakin are stuck in a room with one another while waiting for truth serum to wear off. ✦ moment’s silence by skatzaa, obi-wan & owen & beru & luke & leia (pre-obi-wan/beru-owen), 2k    Owen had long since resigned himself to trouble, whenever Beru got that particularly stubborn set to her jaw. ✦ hold gently and let go by shatou, obi-wan & anakin (pre-slash?), 1.7k    A troubled Anakin comes to Obi-Wan to discuss attachments. ✦ sun child by Ro29, obi-wan & anakin, 2.1k    (or; sometimes being so tied to the Force causes problems, Obi-Wan helps his Padawan as best he can) ✦ A Dinner Out by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan & anakin & cast, 1.6k    Obi-Wan can’t get his young Padawan to eat much, so he tries something new. But trying something different has unintended consequences. ✦ Shades in the Desert by loosingletters, obi-wan & anakin & luke & owen/beru, 10.8k    Not even from a certain point of view did Darth Vader kill Anakin Skywalker. He wished he did, but the specter of the Jedi’s light escaped before he could finalize his fall to the dark. Meanwhile, Anakin is raising his son on Tatooine. ✦ somewhere along in the bitterness by CallToMuster, obi-wan & anakin, major character death, 3.8k    It was probably the twelfth day floating alone in space that Obi-Wan and Anakin realized no one was coming for them. ✦ Songs for Little Jedi by soft_but_gremlin, mace & younglings, ~1k    The initiates are having nightmares, so Mace sings a lullaby to comfort them. ✦ atmosphere level by softredscrunchie, obi-wan/satine & qui-gon, 1k    As a joke, Satine tells Obi-Wan she thinks Mandalore is flat. He doesn’t take it well. ✦ on sith holocrons and misunderstandings by billowypants, obi-wan & anakin & mace & yoda & cast, de-aged!obi-wan, 7.2k    or, de-aged!Obi-Wan has the same Force bonds as adult Obi-Wan, and he does not react well. ✦ Perseverance & Resilience by loosingletters, obi-wan & anakin, 1.1k    In the aftermath of Naboo, Obi-Wan realizes he needs strength to protect his new Padawan. Growing up, Anakin needs peace. ✦ A Delicate Balance by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan & anakin & yoda & jedi, spanking, 9.6k    As Anakin’s skills grow, so too does his penchant for getting into trouble. After a training mishap, Obi-Wan struggles with his role as Anakin’s master. ✦ mirror, mirror by CallToMuster, obi-wan & anakin, 5.4k    Obi-Wan has been rescued by Anakin after being rather embarrassingly kidnapped on the remote planet of Ilnuria during his investigation of rumored kyber crystals deep beneath the planet’s surface. …But is all as it seems? ✦ Mace Windu Appreciation Week by Redminibike1, mace & obi-wan & anakin & ponds & cody & jedi & cast, 12.5k    Set of unconnected ficlets for Mace Windu Appreciation Week, because he deserves it :) ✦ begin again as a quiet thought by skatzaa, obi-wan/quinlan, d/s, ~1k    Cool, smooth leather touched his jaw—gloves. Because of course Obi-Wan had thought of that as well. ✦ Drunken Lullabies by Siri_Kenobi12, obi-wan & anakin & siri & quinlan & aayla & garen & bant & ferus, 6.5k    “Do I really have to go to this thing?” Fourteen year old Anakin Skywalker dramatically sighed. “It’s sooo boring!” ✦ heaven knows how I love you by the_13th_battalion, obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, 1.2k    Anakin, Obi-Wan, and Ahsoka are stranded on an unfamiliar planet overnight. They spend their time exploring the community- and maybe they get a little closer to each other along the way. ✦ A Reckless Padawan by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan & anakin & ahsoka, spanking, 3.9k    When Ahsoka upsets Anakin with an act of reckless disobedience, it falls to her grandmaster to help her see the error of her ways. OBI-WAN/ANAKIN RECS: ✦ Too Hot by secretsolarsystem, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 4.8k    Too Hot: A game where two players kiss without stopping and without touching each other. If one player touches the other, that player loses. The winner gets to do whatever they want to the loser. ✦ Nostos by intermundia, obi-wan/anakin & padme, NSFW, 17k    Or, how Obi-Wan and Anakin discover that there are many ways to come home. ✦ to touch the light, darkest by treescape, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 1.9k    Obi-Wan begins to fuck Vader back to the light ✦ encode by loosingletters, obi-wan/anakin & padme & handmaidens & cast, 26.3k wip    Instead of being accepted into the Jedi Order at the age of 9, Anakin Skywalker became a ward of Naboo. ✦ Hunting the Homeward Light by GreenQueenofClubs, obi-wan/anakin & mace & ahsoka & shmi & padme & cast, 31.9k wip    When Anakin Skywalker was nine, he left his whole life and mother behind to follow Qui-Gon Jinn to Coruscant and the Jedi Temple. When Anakin Skywalker was twelve, he left his whole life and Master behind to follow Mace Windu to the Outer Rim and away from the Jedi Order. When Anakin Skywalker was twenty… ✦ use my body to break your fall by tennessoui, obi-wan/anakin & cast, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, 44.7k wip    Obi-Wan Kenobi is too good at being a Sith Lord general of the Separatist army. The Jedi Council approaches Anakin with an offer he can’t refuse. These things are, actually, related. ✦ Over and Over by obiwanobi, obi-wan/anakin, 1.4k    “I love you,” he blurts out, loud and impossible to miss. Obi-Wan blinks once, twice. And freezes. The first time Anakin tells him is a mortifying experience. ✦ Exceptions by rinverse, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & mace & quinlan & cast, NSFW, modern au, 23.4k    Young and brilliant, Anakin is the mind behind JEDI Tech’s latest innovation. Obi-Wan is the company’s perfectly composed Director of PR & Marketing. And last night, they were just two strangers at a bar, looking for something quick and easy. But life had other plans when it crossed their paths again the very next day. ✦ Here There Be Dragons by Ghost_Owl, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, 10.1k    Anakin knows why he can’t shift into his animal form like every other Jedi. It’s because he doesn’t want to, it’s because he’s had a vision of what he would become, and he doesn’t want it. ✦ Waiting in a Sea of Stars by Peach_Bitters (peachybitters), obi-wan/anakin, ~1k    Stranded in deep space, Obi-Wan and Anakin wait for rescue. ✦ Tristitia by JSwander, obi-wan/anakin & cast, NSFW, sith!obi-wan, 5k    An alternate timeline where Palpatine focuses his attentions on Obi-Wan Kenobi instead of Anakin Skywalker after the attack on Naboo. ✦ Prompted - Chapter 11: Communication, What Communication? by intermundia, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, modern au, mobster au, 7k    a 7k obikin PWP that is somehow a prompt mashup of a mobster au, an accidental sugar daddy au, with a soupçon of an anakin never left tatooine au, and a pinch of qui-gon was anakin’s dad au ✦ who a person truly is cannot be seen with the eye by RexIsMyCopilot, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, d/s, spanking, 3.6k    Anakin purposely avoids doing what Obi-Wan tells him to do. ✦ Prompted - Chapter 12: Potidaea, 432BC, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, historical au, 4.3k    Here is a short smutty scene inspired by all those classics asks, Alcibiades praising Socrates in Plato’s Symposium, and this vase c.490-480 B.C. depicting standing, face-to-face intercrural intercourse between a bearded man and a youth, which as far as we can tell was the most common and accepted position for it in Ancient Greece. ✦ Prompted - Chapter 13: Minikin and Tiny-Wan by intermundia, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 5.4k    Happy May the Fourth! In honor of this happy day, I have written the fluffiest, crackiest, vanilla-flavored smut imaginable. Based on long discussions on discord with tomicaleto about her adorable Tiny AU. ✦ to hold until brightness by treescape, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 1.4k    Obi-Wan feared that it drew out the darkest in him, to bring Vader to these flashes of light, but it was a trade he would make again and again without hesitation. ✦ May Be Found, If Sought by ghostwriterofthemachine, obi-wan/anakin & mace & quinlan, magical academy au, 2.3k    In which Quinlan, Mace, and Obi-Wan teach Non-Traditional Magical Philosophy in an institution rampant with academic snobbery and discrimination, something dark is stirring in the nearby forest, and no one is ever prepared for Anakin Skywalker. A small story about first meetings in magical academia. ✦ infinitely varied by loosingletters, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, modern au, 2.2k    Also known as Obi-Wan and Anakin teach a tiny program called A.H.S.O.K.A. how to be something more than lines of code via the power of linguistics. ✦ recipe for disaster by tennessoui, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka, modern au, 9.8k    When Ahsoka tells Anakin she doesn’t want to learn piano anymore, Anakin is heartbroken. He doesn’t care about the instrument, obviously, but he’s practically in love with her teacher. Obi-Wan offers up a solution to their impending separation, and it’s not dating like any normal person would suggest. Instead, he’s gonna teach Anakin how to cook. Except Anakin’s a pretty well-known chef, and Obi-Wan is absolutely awful in the kitchen. ✦ Pretty Kitty by GayCheerios, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 2.2k    “Master, you always take such good care of me,” Anakin says, a little chirp coming after his sentence, as his thumb rests on Anakin’s plump bottom lip. ✦ As One, Into Eternity by Pseudonymoose, obi-wan/anakin, force ghosts, 3.1k    Death comes, but the man who was, and is, and will be Anakin Skywalker is not gone. And in the Force, he will never be alone again. ✦ does he make you laugh? by y0u_idjits, obi-wan/anakin & ahsoka & cast, fusion fic, 3.6k    “Tell me it’s not about screwing the guy who’s screwing your husband.” ✦ Rotten Work by secretsolarsystem, obi-wan/anakin, 2.8k    Obi-Wan: I’ll take care of you. Anakin, with bloodshot eyes and a broken back from hours of terrible posture: It’s rotten work. Obi-Wan, who needs to bathe this man for his own sanity and health: Not to me. Not if it’s you. ✦ afterimages by shatou, obi-wan/anakin, 1.3k    Mustafar is nothing but a bad dream. ✦ understanding is honoring the truth beneath the surface by RexIsMyCopilot, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, d/s, 7.3k    Anakin asks Obi-Wan to take control. ✦ The strongest stars… by Tomicaleto, obi-wan/anakin & beru & cast, NSFW, 7.4k    The war’s end seems to be close, with everyone looking forward to it. And when Anakin is doubting himself the most, an unexpected visit arrives at the Temple. ✦ home has a heartbeat by izazov, obi-wan/anakin, 5.6k    Or: Anakin and Obi-Wan are together, but there are still some things left unsaid between them. ✦ turn back now (i’m haunted) by tennessoui, obi-wan/anakin & padme & quinlan & ahsoka & cast, modern au, ghosts au, 25k wip    Anakin Skywalker’s house is haunted. Luckily for him, Padmé knows a ghost hunter. Unluckily for him, it’s the hottest, most english-professor ghost hunter he’s ever seen. And extremely unluckily for him, he’s starting to get the feeling he understands maybe ten percent of what’s actually going on here, not to mention what’s at stake. ✦ game plan by treescape, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 11.2k    Or, Vader keeps capturing Obi-Wan during the Wars. Obi-Wan keeps escaping. It’s kind of a thing. ✦ Provocation by ToolMusicLover, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 4.9k    Or: Obi-Wan and Anakin attempt to navigate their complicated relationship with barbed words and wilful ignorance. It wasn’t going well. ✦ Languages by Crowgirl, obi-wan/anakin, NSFW, 6.5k    So Anakin pulls out a map and makes a list. REBELS RECS: ✦ The Scent of You by ambiguously, kanan/hera & cast, a smidge of nsfw, 2.9k    Everything changes after Malachor, and Kanan has trouble finding his balance. ✦ Heard It in a Love Song (Can’t Be Wrong) by ambiguously, zeb/kallus, 2.7k    Kallus can’t quite figure out what makes Zeb tick, but he keeps trying. ORIGINAL TRILOGY/MANDALORIAN RECS: ✦ A Discussion of Choices by Peppermint_Shamrock, luke & mace, 2k    Mace Windu has traveled the galaxy since the fall of the Republic, keeping out of the Empire’s sight and teaching where he can. Upon the request of a ghost of an old friend, Mace finds himself instructing Luke Skywalker, who is still reeling from the truth of Vader’s identity. ✦ staring down the barrel of the hot sun by magneticwave, luke/din & obi-wan & grogu & mace & cast, 25.7k    “Gone to a Child of the Watch, the Darksaber has,” Grand Master Yoda announces in his creaky little voice. “Peace, there is not, and yet peace, there must be.” ✦ Released by Peppermint_Shamrock, cody & rex & luke & cast, 6k    Nearly two and a half decades late, Cody’s chip is finally removed. Adjusting to having his mind returned to him after so long takes time, and Cody struggles with questions of his purpose of the past, present, and future. Fortunately, he does not have to struggle alone. ✦ A Tatooine Rainstorm by skatzaa, leia & luke & shmi, 1.7k    Leia meets a ghost. ✦ Dealing with the Darksaber by Peppermint_Shamrock, din & bo-katan & cara, 1.3k    After her recovery, Bo-Katan contacts Din to challenge him for the darksaber. Din is still very much not interested in the whole affair. FULL DETAILS + RECS HERE

[deliriousgeek]

She’s the Alpha (Owen Grady x Reader) .10

Masterlist:

Chapter 10

“That was a close one.”

“You open the gate, I’ll go in.” Owen hurriedly stated once he and Y/n came to a stop at the raptor enclosure. Without a moment’s hesitation, or a reply from Y/n, Owen began sprinting towards the gate. The concrete walls of the open enclosure did little to nothing to hide the snarls coming from within. Owen could hear Echo and Charlie calling to their older sisters, hopefully in an attempt to chide them away from ripping at each other’s throats. The sound carried over the concrete barriers, through the barred gates and into Owen’s ears. His heartbeat quickened and he felt his chest clench at every growl made. He could only imagine the damage Blue and Delta could have done to each other, praying to whatever higher being there was that he was wrong. 

The visceral sounds of the two sisters fighting could be heard from the car where Y/n stood.

Letting out a gasp of surprise at the threatening screeches, Y/n slammed her car door shut. “Are you crazy?” She shouted while running towards the man who was already putting protective armor to go inside the enclosure, “They might be babies, Owen, but they’re still raptors.”

Owen stopped putting on the armor for a brief moment to glance at Y/n, as if to contemplate her words before one of the raptors let out another snarl, a reminder of his needed urgency. 

As soon as the protective gear covering his arms, legs, and torso was completely strapped tight, Owen swung the first gate open and stepped inside. 

Y/n’s eyes widened as Owen locked the gate behind him. His eyes shot up to hers.

“To get all of us out of here safe, you need to do exactly as I say. Got it?” Owen’s brows furrowed.

Y/n wasn’t used to Owen’s gruff, stern voice. He had only ever spoken to her with a joking manner. In all the time they had known each other, Owen had never used such a commanding and serious tone. His voice dropped to a sound that Y/n could only describe as a deep chest voice. She supposed that would happen in a dire situation such as this. Stunned by the use of this new type of speech Y/n could only stare into Owen’s eyes as the noise of Blue and Delta fighting grew louder. 

She had taken a moment too long to reply.

“Y/n!” Owen snapped. 

His chest was now heaving with adrenaline. His girls were in there, fighting for goodness knows how long. Every second he spent out here could be a drop of blood, a tooth, a piece of skin or even a life lost. 

Y/n blinked at his voice raise. 

“I need all your focus right now. Can you do that?” Owen spoke again, this time with the same urgency but in a different, more gentle, tone of voice. 

A silent moment of understanding passed through them.

Y/n nodded. The adrenaline of the situation was now kicking into her veins. A new feeling of determination settled into her frame. Owen nodded a thanks before barking out the plan.

After quickly turning on the main lights, Owen could see the damage Delta and Blue had left to the enclosure. Dirt was kicked up, plants were crushed. Echo and Charlie could be seen in their respective cages, barking towards the center of the area. Following their line of sight Owen could see Delta and Blue circling each other, snarling, teeth bared, and snapping.

Blue had multiple scratch wounds on her haunches. They were bleeding and fresh. A bite mark could be seen just above Delta’s shoulder. It didn’t seem too deep, which brought a small ounce of relief to Owen’s vast pool of worry.

Owen stepped toward the main gates that led into the enclosure.

“On my count okay?” He called back to Y/n.

Y/n stared at the two sisters fighting, worry pooled in her eyes. “Okay.” She answered, in a just as determined tone.

“1,” Owen readied himself to run. “2,” Y/n let out a shaky breath as Owen counted down. “3!”

Y/n opened the gates and Owen ran into the enclosure, blowing a whistle and waving a piece of meat he had grabbed from the raptor’s feeding area. The two sisters halted their fighting upon hearing the ruckus coming towards them, turning their heads to look at the spectacle in front of them. 

The plan was that Owen would go inside the enclosure, distract the girls, then use the meat to lure them into their respective cages. Owen was now ten feet away from the adolescent velociraptors, their attention no longer on each other.

He let go of the whistle to grab another piece of meat from his utility belt. “Hey! Yeah that’s right, eyes on me.”

He began waving the two pieces of meat in the air. “You want some of this right? Not each other? C’mon, you can have it.”

The sisters looked at each other, before turning their bodies towards Owen. They began slowly slinking their way towards him, much like a cat would walk as it hunted its prey. 

Despite the fact that Blue and Delta only measured in about three feet in height, they still held an air of danger around them, and Owen had to remind himself that if he took one misstep, it could be the end of his life. 

“Alright girls,” Owen slowly led the raptors around their enclosure, back to their cages. “Okay, look at me Delta,” He waved the meat in front of her, “This is for you,” then he tossed a piece of meat into her cage. 

Delta’s eyes followed the movement of the meat from Owen’s hands to the floor of her cage before going inside after it. Y/n closed Delta’s gate as soon as her tail was in.

Owen’s eyes never left Blue’s. “Your turn now Blue,” Blue cocked her head to the side, “Work with me here okay? This one is yours.” Owen waved the meat, Blue’s eye flitted to the movement. “You want it? Go get it.” Owen tossed it into her cage. 

Blue immediately ran for it, instantly ripping the meat apart as soon as it touched her lips. 

Owen let out a sigh of genuine relief. The hard part was over. For now his girls were safe. Owen began walking towards the exit, at ease now that Blue and Delta were safe again. 

Y/n pushed the button to close Blue’s gate once she had run in. Once Y/n heard the machinery working to close the door, she let out the worried breath she was holding. She stepped away from the door control panels to smile at Owen, but her smiling dropped once she looked behind him. 

The noise the machinery had been making had stopped, which would normally indicate that the Blue’s door was closed. Only this time, the noise had stopped, yet Blue’s gate was still open. The anxiety that had left Y/n returned, and her eyes widened in dread. Blue had finished her snack, turned around, and fixed her eyes on Owen. 

Noticing Y/n’s change of expression, Owen arched a brow. “What? Is there something on my face?”

Y/n’s expression turned into horror as Bue began trotting out of her cage, then started to run. 

“Owen run!”

“What?” 

“RUN!” Y/n exclaimed again, rushing over to the door panel. 

Seeing the look of pure terror on Y/n’s face, Owen didn’t dare look back, but started sprinting towards the exit. Owen could hear the crunching of dried leaves under his feet as he ran. The trees lining the enclosure meshed into a canopy of green as he dashed by. He could hear the other velociraptor’s calling to each other. The sounds only egged him on to run faster. Owen’s heart pounded in his chest and its beating filled his ears. His heart beat mixed with Y/n’s screams and the look of pure terror on her face caused a surge of adrenaline to rush towards her and the gate. 

“CLOSE THE GATE!” He yelled once he was almost 10 feet away.

Y/n shook her head fervently. “Are you crazy?” She shouted back, brows furrowed and eyes wide.

“Just do it!” Owen replied as he almost neared the open gate.

Y/n’s eyes flitted between Owen and the gate button. She took in a quick breath, then pressed the button to close the gate. The gate then lowered as Owen neared, about 5 feet away. Y/n could still see Blue behind Owen. Blue was reaching her neck out, trying to close the 3 feet distance between her and Owen.

Owen calculated the distance between him and the nearly closed gate before deciding to jump into a dive. He tucked his legs inward as he hit the ground, rolling under the gate just in time for it to shut and keep Blue from biting him. Owen sat up, trying to calm his breathing. His back faced the shut gate. He could feel Blue’s let out irritated huff on the back of his neck, which sent an involuntary shiver of fear down his spine, before hearing her turn around and walk away.

Turning so his back was now facing the solid wall, Owen slumped against it. 

He closed his eyes, breathing in and out deeply before speaking, “That was a close one.”

Y/n pressed her back against the wall too, closing her eyes and copying Owen’s previous actions, “Yeah. No shit.”

[loverdrew]

Just A Little Longer | s.r

(not my gif)

Synopsis: A day out on the field doesn’t go as planned, and Y/N is thrown into am ambulance to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital before anyone can help. 

A Grey’s Anatomy x Criminal Minds crossover.

Warnings: none (?)

There was a ringing in the air louder than the one you hear everyday. I felt my breathing hinder. My eyes can only open so wide, enough to see the light, but once by my side, could see only a dark substance quickly oozing out of my body. As I came to, I could tell it was getting harder and harder to breathe, a sharp pain with every inhale and exhale. Upon instinct, I checked my fingers for mobility, feeling that they could move slightly. At least this means I am not paralyzed in my upper body. There was no other noise for a few more minutes, just a slight rustling of trees and the dirt road beneath me. I don’t even remember the initial shot being taken, whether it was from me or him. All I remember is instantly falling to the floor once I arrived on the scene. I just laid in my own blood, the realization that no one may be coming for me.

“Y/N! Y/N! Wake up!” I could faintly hear from what felt like a mile away. My brain perked at the voice, definitively Morgan, but my body would not react. I tried with every might to move my limbs once again but alas, nothing. It was if my brain was screaming and sending pulses to my muscles but it just refused to move. I started to feel hands all over me, lifting me and placing me on what I could imagine was a gurney, as it moved. My sense of hearing coming in full force, beginning to hear people talking and shuffling. Hotch and Morgan were asking where I was being transported to and Emily and JJ consoling someone else who I could hear was practically sobbing. 

“They’re going to take care of her, c’mon let’s just go follow them now!” Emily yelled to everyone. But that distressed someone fought back.

“No! She’s not even moving! They’re intubating her! Emily she’s dying!” 

Spencer....? 

“Reid, you want to help her? Get out of here and go to the hospital.” Hotch firmly said, I could even tell he probably put his hands on Reid, as the sound of prominent footsteps were halted. And the next thing I heard was doors closing, and the sirens blaring.

Once we had arrived at the hospital, I heard a woman’s voice that sounded very strong, like she was in charge.

“What do we got?” She asked.

“GW to the left ribcage, she’s lost a lot of blood, almost 2 pints. We’ve been intubating her since we got to the scene but Bailey, it doesn’t look too good. Possible head contusion when she hit the floor as well.” The EMT stated.

“Alright I’ll page Shepard and Hunt immediately. Out of the way everybody! FBI agent coming through!” And my gurney started moving even faster, winding down a short hallway into a room where I could hear many doctors coming to look at my wounds. I felt absolutely helpless, not being able to communicate what hurts for me. What if they miss something? What if they can’t help me in time? The EMT said I lost a lot of blood, what if it’s too much to come back from?

“Hang 2 units of O neg now!” A man with a deep voice yelled out. I could feel big, callus hands turning me on my back, and the next thing I knew a needle was being shoved in my arm and a warm sensation filling my arm. 

“Owen she needs to go up to CT now or she’s not going to make it.” A woman with a softer voice spoke next to the man.

“Amelia she needs this wound patched first or she’ll bleed out and then she won’t even have a chance in CT.” He raised his voice at her, kind of like how Hotch can be sometimes.

“Let me see, I can patch quickly if everyone gives me space. Looks like the bullet left through the back as well.” This time it was another man with a softer voice than the first, and instantly felt his delicate hands holding onto my ribs, feeling a metal substance touching my skin. By my analysis, he’s most likely a plastics surgeon. Only a man in plastics has such delicate touch.

“Well hurry Jackson she’s got about 10 minutes before that brain contusion completely debilitates her and she’ll be in a coma.”

“Yea I got it.” He said nonchalant.

The sounds of beeping and shuffling were quickly interrupted by deep screams, of which belonged to the lanky pretty boy. My heart rate instantly got faster the second his voice entered the room.

“Sir, sir who are you?” The plastics guy asked urgently.

“I-I’m her, her uh- I’m just a friend, please let me be next to her.” He pleaded, rasp in his voice. I can tell he had been crying the whole ride over.

“Okay, sir you’re gonna have to wait with everybody else, she’s in a lot of distress and she’s lost a lot of blood. We’re doing everything we can for her.” Almost on cue, my heart monitor started spazzing. The loud beeping indicating I’m going into cardiac failure. 

“She’s in V-fib, get the defibrillator now!” The man with the lower voice yelled. I felt the clothing on my body being ripped open, a few buttons popping and flying off. The patches were on and in a few seconds, I felt the shock and I could feel it vibrate every vessel inside me. They cleared a second a time, my heart rate returning to normal.

“Okay Jackson you’re gonna have to finish her later she needs a head scan now.” The women voiced, and immediately I could feel the gurney being whisked and into an elevator, going up to the CT room.

Being in the big machine and hearing the slight “ZZZ” sound felt like the first time of peace since my brain fully woke up. For a few hours now I was being poked and prodded, not even getting a chance to hear my own thoughts. This was the only time I got to really savor whatever life I had left, to really hear and feel the people I love around me, and to prepare for what could happen. It felt inevitable to try and escape death, it was a part of my job. And the one regret I’d have is not being the real me with the person I loved most in this world. That tall, pretty, incredible genius was the love of my life for the past 3 years I’ve been with the BAU, and he was everything and more I could’ve ever dreamed of and better. I could physically feel my heart aching at the way his voice cracked yelling for me. I wished nothing more than to look him straight in the eye and hold his hands, telling him I’ll be okay. The way he stuttered when he said friend, so unsure. We had kissed just a few days ago, after a long day of work he came by my hotel room and finally expressed his feelings after so long. The fireworks we shared were something out of a book. The way his hands fit around my face, holding me so close and so softly as if I were glass and he was afraid to break it. We hadn’t talked about it since, but we figured we had more time. But now I realize time is never guaranteed. 

Within 30 minutes I was in a regular room, the plastics man working on sowing back up my wounds. “You, Ms.Y/N are one of the luckiest gunshot victims I’ve seen; no severe tears. Which means this just needs a quick stitch and you’ll be all set.” He said softly to me, I could feel a smile on his face as he spoke.

I heard another person walk into the room, footsteps almost so quiet. 

“H-How, how is she Dr.?” He was shaking.

“The CT showed some swelling but no internal bleeding. We’re going to keep her here overnight but I’m sorry, I don’t know if and when she’ll wake up. That’s all up to her.” The women sadly spoke, unsure of even her own diagnosis.

I heard Spencer start to cry again, a loud puff coming from deep in his chest.

“Dr. Reid, could you please sit with me.” The two of them stepped to sit in the 2 seats next to my bed.

“I know what it feels like to be in a field of study where, you know everything there is to know. And I also know what it feels like to be completely out of control in that field, when you know what to do, but you can’t even do it.” She sighed. “I am one of the best neurosurgeons in the country, I know almost everything...but yet I had a brother who died of a brain injury. I could’ve been there to help him but I couldn’t do a damn thing. I know what this feels like.” Reid started crying harder, his cries muffled by his own hands. He was trying so hard not to let the sounds leak from the room, but it did and it made my bones stand still.

“I had a mentor who was in a coma, and even though I’m in plastics”- (told y’all) -”there was still nothing I could do for him. We just had to wait. He was one of my greatest friends, one of the best people you’d ever meet, so loved. The love of his life died in front of his eyes and I think most of us knew he’d be going next, to be with her. Life was too painful without her. Do you love this girl right here?” Spencers respond came almost immediately.

“More than anybody or anything.”

“Then wait, just a little longer. If she loves you like you love her she’s going to fight to wake up and be alive.” Both of the doctors walked out, leaving me and my lover boy.

His veiny hands grabbed onto mine, rubbing softly at my knuckles.

“I’m gonna do what he said, just wait a little longer. But please Y/N, if you can hear me, come back to me.” He cried into my hand, the tears coating it.

As if the Gods granted it themselves, I moved my eyelids open. Very slowly, and it hurt to do so, but they opened. Spencer sensed movement, and his head instantly came up holding on tighter to my hand. A weak smile placed on my face as my tired eyes loving locked with his.

“Waiting for me?” 

[jadelotusflower]

It’s Cold in that Fridge: The Case of Nakari Kelen

Since The Case of Mara Jade has been doing the rounds again, I’ve finally gone back to this post that has been sitting in my drafts for literally years. So let’s honour this absolute badass who deserved better:

Once upon a time, the Star Wars universe was but six films (and a tv series) in the story of the Skywalker family. But beyond George Lucas’ story was an absolute boatload of books, comics, games, and other materials that made up the Expanded Universe. When Disney purchased Lucasfilm and the rights to the Star Wars saga, everything in this universe was decanonised and deemed “Legends” - some aspects of this universe were retained or re-purposed, others sit in Disney’s figurative vault and will likely never see the light of day (and seeing how the ST turned out, maybe that’s for the best).

But this transition between Legends canon and Disney canon was not so simple, because the nature of publishing meant that there were novels approved during the time of Legends canon that would be released in the time of Disney canon. In particular, there had been the planned trilogy “Empire and Rebellion”, set between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, with each novel from the perspective of one of The Big Three.  

Razor’s Edge (Leia) and Honor Among Thieves (Han) were released prior to the Great Canon Split of 2014.  But while the Luke-centric novel had been planned, it was not due to be released until well after the Split. So Heir to the Jedi (so called as an homage to the Legends progenitor Heir to the Empire) became one of the first books of the Disney canon.

What does this background have to do with Nakari Kelen?  Perhaps nothing, but I do wonder how the writing process was affected by the shift from Legends to Disney - was the novel a relic of the old EU with any reference the LFL storygroup didn’t like excised during editing, or was it a trendsetter for the new EU, a Sign of Things to Come?  

The most salient point being, of course, that Nakari Kelen - like so many love interests before her - was not allowed to go along her merry way at the conclusion of the novel, but was shoved into the fridge.

If there was one constant of the Legends EU, it was that Luke Skywalker’s love interests couldn’t catch a break. Mara Jade naturally lasted the longest relationship-wise, with almost twenty years of marriage to Luke before some bright spark decided she had to go (as per the aforementioned case study). But before Mara there was Jem, Shira Brie, and Gaeriel Captison (who came close to escaping the curse), and in the Legacy of the Force series they brought back sole survivors Akanah and Callista, only to kill them off for good too (and rather brutally, if I may add).

So perhaps when Kevin Hearne began writing HttJ within the confines of the Legends continuity, he was merely sticking to the status quo, or perhaps once subsumed by Disney they needed to make sure Luke's slate was clean (so to speak).  And I can’t put all the blame on Hearne since I don’t know whether it was his idea, or LFL mandated - but regardless it was a poor decision.

The root cause of fridging, imo, is limited imagination.  How best to cause your male protagonist pain if not kill off someone they love, or at least have strong feelings for? The answer is of course, easily. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The Luke Skywalker of HttJ is fresh from his victory in ANH, a lieutenant in the Rebellion: young, not dumb, and full of...

Nakari Kalen is an absolute Queen a civilian volunteer and crack-shot sniper who loans her ship Desert Jewel to the Alliance. Luke is immediately attracted to her, they bond over a mutual love of fast ships and leaving behind desert home planets, and engage in the inexpert flirting of two nineteen year olds while also risking their lives several times over.

I want to make it clear: I actually really like this book. It's a breezy read, almost serialised as The Early Adventures of Luke Skywalker, and is ofttimes genuinely funny. And credit where it’s due to Hearne, many of of the supporting roles in the novel are female. Other than Nakari, there's Soonta, the Rodian who gives Luke her uncle’s lightsaber, Sakhet the Kupohan spy, and the Givin cryptographer/math genius Drusil Bephorin. In a genre where male characters are often the default for these kind of roles, it was nice to see, but makes the regressive fridging of Nakari even more egregious.

Luke and Nakari make a good team fighting brain-sucking monsters and Imperials, but more importantly they have fun together - she encourages him to work on his Force skills, and he successfully moves objects with his mind for the first time (leading to Nakari adorably dub him "a little noddle scooter"). It's a very sweet, if brief, relationship, and a respite from the danger of the mission. They spend the night together (leaving the reader to decide exactly what happened behind closed doors), and share a kiss before splitting up to try and escape bounty hunters. No prizes for guessing what happens to Nakari immediately after she received the Skywalker Kiss of Death.

I assume there were two motivating factors for why Hearne and/or LFL couldn't let Nakari live:

1. If she survived, fans would wonder why she doesn't appear in ESB/subsequent material.

I recall this bandied about on forums back at the time of the book's release, and to that I say - so what? Fans are always going to wonder, and try to paper over the gaps in canon, to make up their own headcanons to explain any any perceived inconsistencies. It's certainly no reason to kill someone off.

It is in fact possible for two young people to have a romance that just fizzles, or doesn’t work out for whatever reason - it should not require great maneuvering or explanation. If Nakari doesn’t show up in the next book in the timeline, what about it? The reader is smart enough to assume she and Luke broke up, decided to just remain friends, whatever. But it seems that the only way for a female character to exit stage left is for her to die, which is bullshit.

And actually, there's no reason why she couldn't have shown up again. ESB and RoTJ cover a month and a few days, respectively, of Luke's life - just because there was no mention of Nakari doesn't mean she didn't exist at that time, whether or not she and Luke were an item. She could have made an appearance in a subsequent novel, or Rebels, or the comics - she could have become a recurring character, showing up when the Rebellion needed her, or - heaven forbid - even have her own comic/book/show! Her existence in Star Wars canon didn't need to begin and end with Luke Skywalker, merely to service his plotline and backstory and abandoning the richness of her own.

No, the only reason Nakari had to die was to facilitate this:

It was a blow to the gut, realizing what that sudden absence meant. I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, but I had felt Nakari's life snuffed out through the Force, and into that void where she had shone anger rushed in - anger, and a cold sense of raw power and invincibility...I took a step to join in the hunt but stopped, breathing heavily, unaccountably sweating even though I felt so cold inside and the power of the Force roiled within me... I shook with emotion and power, and none of it felt the way the Force had before...I saw what kind of space it was , a black hole that would always be hungry no matter how much I fed it. I might never feel warm again if I didn't get myself under control.

Luke feels the dark side and is tempted by the boost of power it offers him, but immediately identifies it as dangerous and unnatural. I can understand why Hearne wanted to include this - it is a book of firsts after all: Luke's first solo mission, his first time using telekenisis, and ending with story with his first experience of the dark side makes sense. But it wasn't necessary, which leads to:

2. How to push Luke to touch the dark side without killing someone he has romantic feelings for?

Also, obviously, shite of the bull (or nerf, if you prefer). Even if this brush with the dark side was absolutely necessary for the novel's climax, there's any number of ways it could be achieved. At this point, Luke is fresh from losing important people in his life - Owen and Beru, Ben, and Biggs - lumping another death on top of that a narrative trick for Luke to react not only to losing Nakari, but the others as well. But it's cheap, the first card in the deck, and why not show a bit of imagination? Luke is young and inexperienced enough at this point that any number of things could be the catalyst - the whole book he's struggling with his growing powers, why not try and reach too far in the firefight with the bounty hunters, his anger and frustration with himself in not doing enough trigger the dark side temptation? It would work thematically and doesn't involve a fridging that ultimately has very little payoff.

Because Nakari is killed less than ten pages from the end of the book - afterwards Luke grieves, but ultimately chooses to honour her memory and be grateful for what he learned with her, recommitting to becoming a Jedi. It's all very surface level, and once again a female character's death facilitates a male character's development. Was it so imperative that Luke lost someone he cared about as part of this story? Sure, this was a time of galactic civil war, and it's far from unrealistic that these stories have a high body count, but who to make collateral damage remains an authorial choice, and in this case Nakari Kelen was (a) a female character of color, (b) a love interest of the protagonist - not just of this book, but the entire Original Trilogy.

I don't know to what extent (if any) race had to play in the decision. I'm sure there was a segment of the fandom absolutely livid that Luke Skywalker kissed (and maybe had sex with) a black woman. Was her death LFL hedging its bets, or demonstrative of the general lack of attention/respect they show their characters of colour?

In any case this was a chance to stand out from the old EU and it's fridge full of Luke's dead girlfriends, but instead they chose to introduce and kill off Nakari for the sole purpose of Luke's manpain and character development, and that's gross.

And then there's this:

A grisly yet reliable fact about custom bounty hunter ships is that you can always count on them to have body bags stashed somewhere for the easy transport of their kills. They often have built-in refrigerated storage, too.

NAKARI IS KILLED AND LITERALLY STORED IN THE FUCKING FRIDGE I COULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT I WAS READING.

I really hope this was unintentional on Hearne's part, because yikes. He was halfway there, this book was full of interesting female characters who had agency - Drusil in particular was a delight with her super math and inability to understand human interaction. Nakari was full of life and fun - capable but relatable, showing a different side of the Rebellion and those that suffered under the Empire's rule. Fridging her in her first appearance is considerably more vile, because it reduces her to a footnote of Luke's story, a plot device to Help Him Grow, rather than a springboard to tell more of her own story.

Because Nakari was a compelling character ripe for spinoff potential. I would absolutely have read or watched her continued adventures, juggling missions for her father's Biolabs company and trying to aid the Rebellion, shooting her slug rifle and cracking wise, maybe even finding a way to amplify her mother's song Vader's Many Prosthetic Parts to really stick it to the Empire, or try and free the political prisoners on Kessel.

The old EU was made great by allies and enemies of Our Heroes showing up again to help or hinder them, and/or branching out into their own material. We fell in love with them, and followed their stories even as they diverged from the main saga, eager to read more about their lives.

Nakari Kelen never got that chance. In many ways, she exemplified what Disney Star Wars was to become: an exercise in wasted potential.

[novelconcepts]

fic: no fear (don’t you turn like orpheus, just stay here)

Dani hasn’t stopped shaking since it happened. At first, Jamie thought it was simply a matter of cold night air and colder lake water, soaking into Dani’s sweater and shoes and skin. A matter of getting her inside the house, of getting her out of those wet clothes, wrapping her in a thick blanket and setting her up in front of the fire until the warmth eased back into her bones. Everything feels better, Jamie is sure, if you can only get warm.

Except the kids are shaking, too, and Henry looks like he’s just been hit by a car, and Owen keeps repeating, “Hannah? Where’s Hannah?” with increasing alarm. It’s all too much to take in at once, so Jamie--who knows it’d all be better if they could just get inside--settles for sitting in the dark with the rest of them. She’s in the grass, Dani propped against her chest, her arms locked tight around Dani’s shivering body; she’d tried to keep them both upright, but Owen had moved away, calling Hannah’s name into the creeping shadows, and Jamie simply hadn’t been strong enough. Down they sank, down onto the damp lawn, and Dani hasn’t looked at her. Dani has just been...

Staring. 

Staring fixedly at nothing at all.

“You're okay,” Jamie murmurs against her hair, trying to scrounge all the patience and sanity the night has to offer. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Except she isn’t. She so plainly isn’t, and it’s scaring Jamie badly to feel the way her bones rattle--suddenly so thin and so fragile under that sweater--against Jamie’s body. She’s got one arm tight around Dani’s stomach, the other around her shoulders, holding her with desperation made flesh. Come back to me, she chants silently, kissing the side of Dani’s head, pressing her nose against Dani’s hair and inhaling the stomach-churning scent of stale lake water. Come back, please. 

If I hadn’t gone, she thinks, unable to stop herself. If I had stayed like she asked. If I’d been there--

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t, and maybe in another universe that would play out differently, but all she’s got in this one is the next step. All she has is Dani’s breath coming in sharp, shallow gasps, her hand groping along Jamie’s arm and grasping so tightly, there will be perfect impressions from her fingertips in the morning. 

“You’re okay,” Jamie breathes, trying to keep one eye on the chaos around them. Henry is hugging the kids, but his eyes are on Owen, and there’s something wrong with his expression. Something so much more human than she’s ever seen him look. And Owen, for his part, is ten feet away, hands cupped around his mouth, yelling now. Yelling in a pitchy, wild way she’d never have expected of him before tonight. Her heart slams itself against her ribs on every syllable--Hann-ah! Hann-ah!--until she thinks she’ll go crazy right here, right here in the grass. 

“You’re okay,” she repeats, a mantra for them all. 

Henry, eventually, is the one to get them all moving. Henry, leaving Flora clutching Miles like she thought she’d never see him again, her face dirty and tracked with tears. Henry, walking to take Owen by the shoulders. Whatever he mutters, they’re too far off for Jamie to hear, but she sees Owen recoil. Sees him, unbelievably, raise a hand like he might actually strike Henry--and then presses it to his mouth. 

“I don’t,” he says, muffled. “I don’t understand.”

“Tomorrow,” Henry says, gently, his voice pitched for them all to hear. “Tomorrow. Tonight, we need to get them inside.”

“Inside,” Dani agrees, the first thing she’s said apart from it’s us in almost half an hour. “Inside. Inside.”

Jamie hugs her tighter, feels the way her free hand gropes along the leg of her trousers and grips just above the knee for purchase. Is this really the same woman who watched her with hopeful, nervous energy earlier this evening? The same woman who splayed a hand across her ribs like she wanted nothing more than to push Jamie against the wall, hold her there with lips and tongue and soft giggle, until there was nothing left in the universe but the pair of them? That Dani had felt like rebirth burning hot in her hands, like some mythical readiness rising from the ashes of a past she’d finally been able to bury. This woman feels so small in comparison. So brittle. 

Should’ve stayed, Jamie thinks again, as she pulls Dani upright. Should never leave her again. 

Henry takes the kids, never once looking at Dani, and Jamie is grateful. If he’d stepped back and made this yet another one of Dani’s problems, she thinks she couldn’t be held accountable for her actions. Henry Wingrave has been distant for too long; it’s high time he pulls some weight around this house, too. 

Owen strikes off on his own into the shadows, hands in the pockets of his coat, no longer shouting. His face is all Jamie needs to see, to know company is most unwelcome. Tomorrow, she decides, she will catch him. Tomorrow, they will handle whatever he’s carrying together.

Tonight, Dani needs her. 

She keeps an arm anchored around Dani the whole way into the house, up the stairs, shoes sliding over muddy prints Jamie can’t quite bring herself to look at too closely. Dani is staring straight ahead, swallowing hard, eyes barely blinking. Ask, something in Jamie whispers. Never, something just as fierce responds. There are questions you can ask, and questions that will explode on contact, and it’s up to Dani to let her know which this is. When she’s ready. When she’s back.

“Here,” she says into Dani’s ear as they reach her door. “Here, you--I’d like to stay, if you’ll have--”

Dani grips her sleeve so tightly, Jamie imagines the threads tearing loose under her fingernails. Her hunted expression never wavers, her eyes finding Jamie’s in the warm hall light, and Jamie sucks in a breath through her teeth. She knows these eyes so well already, knows how they widen with delight when she enters a room, knows how they dilate with open, hungry want when she moves close. Dani’s eyes, blue as the saddest song in the world, the kind you never want to stop humming under your breath. 

One of these eyes staring at her now is Dani’s.

One is a deep, startling brown.

“What--Dani, what--” Happened. 

Dani shakes her head. “Not--can’t--not yet. Please. Just...”

Jamie takes her face gently between her hands, stretches up to press a long kiss to her forehead. “I’ll be here,” she says, the words barely a whisper. “As long as you want, all right?”

Dani doesn’t say all night, or the week, or forever. Dani just falls forward, head pushing against Jamie’s, hands trembling on her shoulders like if she lets go, she’s sure Jamie will vanish on the spot. 

“C’mon.” Jamie nudges the door open with her foot, eases them both into this space she remembers so keenly from barely twenty-four hours ago. What a different lifetime that was: the two of them stumbling into the house, unable to stop touching, unwilling to go four steps without one of them pressing the other into the nearest surface and kissing with such idiot abandon, it’s a wonder no one came running to check on the racket they’d been making. Pure luck, she’d thought then, with Dani nibbling her earlobe and trying to work the doorknob at the same time. Sensible behavior, she thought in the morning, recalling the way Hannah and Owen had looked at them as they left the kitchen. 

Now, none of that nervous scalding electricity lighting the room. Now, there is only the solidness of the shadows, of gray seeping into all the corners of Dani’s space. Jamie guides her to the trunk at the foot of the bed, eases her down, lets go just long enough to switch on the lamp. 

Relief, for a moment, as Dani leans her head back and exhales a long breath heavenward. Relief, as her face is bathed in the same warm glow from the night before, when she’d let her hand hover over the switch with palpable nerves. 

I’ve never--I mean--should it be dark?

I’d like to see you, Jamie had told her then, with such gentle eagerness she’d thought Dani would crack apart in response. She’d kissed her, kissed her, laughed into her mouth.

Hard to imagine this Dani laughing. 

“Jesus, Dani,” Jamie breathes. Her neck, she can see for the first time, is a lattice of bruises. Her mouth is ringed and swollen, her skin chapped red in places, a dark, horrible purple in others. Jamie kneels before her, hands on her thighs, holding steady as Dani just sits there and stares. 

“Bad night,” Dani whispers at last. The left corner of her mouth crooks up, just a little. She leans forward, arms wrapped around herself, rocking slightly. “Bad night.”

“No shit,” Jamie says. Can’t help it. She’s trying her absolute best right now, her absolute best to be the strongest person in the room, but Dani looks like she got into a fight tonight Jamie can’t even fathom. It’s not even the bruises; it’s the miles of misery in her suddenly-mismatched eyes, the far-flung expression that says she’s left, she’s gone, and she maybe isn’t ever coming--

“Back to me,” Jamie realizes she’s saying, pleading. “Dani. Come back.”

Dani lifts her gaze, refocuses with obvious effort on Jamie’s face. “Aren’t I here?” she asks, so forlornly it nearly breaks Jamie’s heart. “Aren’t I? Feel like...feel like maybe...”

She slides a hand up Jamie’s chest, up the side of her neck, touching gentle fingers to Jamie’s cheek. The shudders running through her body are still coming, but lighter now, less volatile. Jamie shuts her eyes for a moment. 

“We should get you out of these clothes,” she says. It’s a good thing to say. A sturdy, simple, solution-oriented thing to say. Dani smiles like shattered crystal. 

“What was it? Blimey.”

She’s not really groping for the accent this time, not really trying to make Jamie smile, and it hurts. It hurts to see her like this. Jamie shakes her head. 

“You’re soaking wet, and the last thing you need’s a summer cold on top of all this--” Steer left. Angle away to something safer. “C’mon, let’s get you into a bath.”

Dani lets her pull the sweater over her head, lets her ease her out of the rest of her clothes in gentle, methodical motions. There’s no seduction to it tonight, just the infinite care of Jamie knowing her hands are not built for such fragile things. Just Jamie knowing she’s never handled something so precious in all her life, and she cannot bear to get this wrong. 

With every article that comes away, she finds more splotches of terrible color embroidered into Dani’s skin. The backs of her knees are especially bad, blooming almost black. The bruises run down her calves, her ankles, wrap grotesque fingers around the small of her back and the easy slope of her hip. Jamie, looking at her in the small bathroom, fingers each spot like it’s made of finest-spun glass, watching Dani’s face for any sign of flinching. 

Nothing. Dani just looks steadily back at her, even as Jamie--out of ideas, heart twisting itself bloody in her chest--presses a kiss to the back of one leg. She sits on the closed seat of the toilet, a towel around her body as Jamie fills the tub. Doesn’t say anything. Just sits, gazing off into nothing again. 

“Want me to--,” Jamie begins, and Dani’s already nodding, even as she sinks into the water. It isn’t a big tub, not for this kind of house, but it’s big enough. Jamie slides in behind her, lets her lean back, allows the too-hot water drain away the last of the chill from her own skin. She hadn’t even realized she was cold. 

Not how I imagined this going, she thinks, chin resting lightly on Dani’s shoulder. The water sloshing gently around them on every breath is strangely focus-inducing. She feels for the first time all night like she understands--something, anything at all. Not what happened to Dani, certainly, not her bruises or her horribly haunted gaze, but the sensation of Dani’s body against hers. The sensation of skin on skin, of steam drawing sweat from the back of her neck, of Dani’s fingers clenched around her own. 

She traces sigils into the smooth plane of Dani’s stomach, trying to make her hand into something large enough, strong enough, to hold Dani present. Her palm can’t cover enough ground, her fingers unable to extend across the whole of Dani, all the little splintered bits that had been whole earlier in the evening. It doesn’t feel like nearly enough, but Dani’s breath is coming easier now, no longer galloping out of her like she’s still running. Her breath comes slow, her head tipped back against Jamie’s shoulder, and Jamie realizes she’s actually starting to fall asleep right here in the bath. 

Fine enough, she thinks. Let her sleep. Get the feeling it won’t be so easy a thing, for a while. 

When the water begins to lose the last of its heat, Dani turns and looks up at her with exhausted eyes. “Can we go to bed now?” Like a little kid, Jamie thinks. For the first time, she sees a glimpse of how Dani might have been once upon a lack of responsibility. Weary and sad, a little fearful, but trusting Jamie. Trusting that Jamie will scare off any monsters from the door. 

I can carry this, she thinks firmly. I can carry us both until you’ve got your legs back. You’ve done things I couldn’t dream tonight, Poppins; I can do this much. 

She tries to offer Dani pajamas, but Dani just sleepwalks past her and slides between the sheets. For a moment, Jamie hovers, helpless, beside the side she’s already started to think of as her own. Dani reaches out without looking, pats the pillow with a clumsy hand. 

“Please. Please stay.”

She leaves the this time unsaid, but it jerks at Jamie’s heart all the same. It pains her a bit, how easily Dani winds against her body, how little self-consciousness is present when she moves a leg over Jamie’s hips and clutches at her shoulders. They should have so much more time on the doorstep of this brand new thing, she thinks. So much more time spent nervously undressing, laughing awkwardly as they get to know one another--every freckle, every stretch mark, every scar. 

And yet...here’s Dani Clayton, behaving as though they’ve been like this for a lifetime. Dani, too tired to second-guess, with her face pressed into Jamie’s skin. This is such a married thing to do, Jamie thinks without fully understanding the gravity of the thought. Such a married act, to climb into bed and hold one another without question, without fear, without any sort of boundaries between them. 

One night, she thinks wonderingly. I’ve had one night knowing this woman. One night learning the map of her, and now it’s like...like she’s always been here. 

There’s a sort of loss to this feeling, but something far more grand rises to take its place. A certainty Jamie can’t bring herself to look in the face. She’s never felt its like, not with any woman, not with any human being in her entire life. 

Dani breathes in, out, in, sweeping arcs across her collarbones, and Jamie gazes at the ceiling. She’s never felt less like sleeping, has never felt more ready to stand sentry for another life. Dani’s falling asleep like a stone, weighing heavier by the moment, and Jamie suddenly can’t imagine falling asleep alone ever again. Can’t imagine not being by her side as the bruises fade and the distance leaves her eyes, as the smile returns to her lips and her hands begin again to search for Jamie. 

She will, Jamie thinks. A woman like Dani Clayton isn’t broken by even the worst kind of night. She’ll be here in the morning, a little more than tonight, and a little more with every day that follows. Jamie has to believe that. Can’t stomach anything less.

She doesn’t know what happened out in the lake. Doesn’t know what Dani did, what Dani gave up--and Dani did give something up, she can see it all over her face. Dani will tell her, she’s sure, when she’s ready. Dani will sit and take her hand and maybe she’ll shiver all over, maybe she’ll cry, but she will walk Jamie down this path. Someday. Jamie can be patient until that day comes. 

Dani moans in her sleep, a nightmare on her lips, and Jamie kisses the top of her head until the tension slides from her limbs once more. 

I’ll be right here, she promises silently. Long as you’ll have me. Long as you want me. And if there are monsters under the bed, if something followed you out of that lake tonight, well...

She can’t find the words to say as much, not to Dani’s face. In the morning, when some of the fear has been scrubbed away and Dani’s maybe a little more embarrassed, or--worse--a little more ashamed, Jamie won’t be able to say it this way. She’ll only be able to pull Dani close, to kiss her eyelids and her cheeks and her lips with every ounce of tenderness she can muster. She’ll only be able to say something foolish and wry, voice sleep-roughened, pretending she didn’t stay up all night listening to Dani’s strong heart beat on. 

And maybe they’ll kiss again, slow and deep, and maybe Dani will move against her with the desperate need to feel something other than terror, and maybe they won’t leave this bed again for a day. Or maybe it’ll go the other way; maybe she’ll wake again to find Dani already gone, off to take charge of the day the only way Dani knows how, with Jamie lingering after her as she waits for the adrenaline to fade. Either way, Jamie’s good. Either way, she can wait. 

For now, she holds Dani close and tries not to let the melody of it’s us, it’s us, it’s us tap out its unnerving rhythm inside her head as she lays in this house that feels so...quiet all of a sudden. So quiet, so still. 

Jamie lays all night, keeping vigil, and Dani Clayton--bruised and worn and carrying something Jamie will strive her very hardest to understand just as soon as Dani’s ready to share--sleeps on.

It has no name

No guarantee

It’s just the promise of a day

I know that some may never see

But that’s enough

If the bottom drops out, I hope my love

Was someone else’s solid ground

-”Orpheus”, Sara Bareilles

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy season 17×06 Review

(How the f**k they just gonna leave me on read like this till March 4th)

The episode was a rollercoaster but something tells me the real ride is going to happen from the next episode.

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Maggie

I knew Winston was gonna show up in person at some point or the other. When he dropped the long distance wasn't working line and put the phone down in her ear so he could get some 'eggs' I knew he was in Seattle, good for her she's going to need him to lean on seeing that Mer freaking crashed again. At least she'll have somebody there for her because all her other support is personally attached to Meredith as well.

Besides Winston turning up, treating Tom and her being understandably giddy at Mer being awake there was also a scene where she educated Amelia on some things now I won't get into the details again but I'm just in love with the fact that Grey's isn't afraid to touch on controversial topics, they use their large platform to raise awareness and their speeches are always on point.

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Teddy/Owen

(She needed the time off more than Bailey did tbh)

My God was it satisfying when Richard literally just tore into her. She put herself in the situation and is now taking her anger out on others which is really in poor taste. Poor Helm, I hope she didn't take it personally. At this point it's her time to annoy me, I miss the season 6 Teddy, hopefully she redeems herself soon. After being torn apart by Webber's words she then proceeds to make things worst by revealing yet another big secret to Owen at work. (At least this time it was on purpose.) She just needs to take some time away and think on what she really wants and needs to reflect before spontaneously starting potentially life changing conversations. First it was telling Tom they had a chance then it was telling Owen that she still loves him and the kids while also revealing that she named their daughter after not only her best friend but also the woman that she was very much in love with. Pick a struggle Teddy at this point she's seeming confused more than anything else.

___________________________________________

Owen

For the past few seasons Owen was one of the characters getting on my nerves but lately he's been fine. He hasn't redeemed himself yet but his probation is going fine. Watching this show really shows how good of a person a doctor has to be in order to follow the ethical guidelines. If I had that scum bag for a patient I would have literally just pretended to fail at saving him and let the guy die, (guess that's why the Lord made me suck at Chemistry and Physics) his response to Bob about him being at the devils barbecue was badass, gave me serious season 5 Owen vibes or vibes like when he punched that guy out for disrupting the ER when he was chief, Major Hunt reporting for duty.

As for him and Teddy I can get why he was upset, her he was about to attempt to make amends at probably rekindling a friendship or maybe their relationship and she revels that your daughter is named after her lover, she could have atleast told him that when they were in the naming process, he deserved to know exactly who his child was being named after. I'm kinda a bitch but there was no way I'd feel comfortable having my child named after my partner's lover. On the other hand he should hear her out he has literally cheated twice and both times he sat and was able to share his side of the story and the woman he was with listened to his explanations. Teddy deserves as much, it might hurt but he did the same and Karma unfortunately is still a bitch.

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Bailey

(I just wanted to give her a hug the whole night.)

She has a really unhealthy habit of working through her grief, first her miscarriage and now through the death of her mom. I'm honestly sad that Ben had to be the one to comfort Tuck and tell him his grandmother had even died (she's always so busy, Ben is pratically the one raising him at this point.) And I'm also upset that I haven't gotten to see Ben being there for her either. I'm assuming it might be a protocol on the sets.

At least she took time off of the cases, I understand why she didn't want to go home as a doctor she has the highest risk of transporting the virus, but her mind understandably wasn't going to be in the doctoring game. I really thought they were gonna make her freeze up and accidentally kill a patient or something, but at least they didn't go down that line. And what even happened to her dad? did he take the Covid test? Wheres he staying now? Is he safe?

The conversations between her and Deluca were sweet, it's another unexpected friendship, before the only one she really disclosed any details of her life with was Richard but now they're opening her support group which is fine. I'm also glad that Deluca was able to look past the whole fiasco last season and hold no grudges. She has now fully redeemed herself completely, she's still my all time favorite character but from season 13 to probably mid season 16 she really had some storylines and scenes that irked me to watch and made me question some things, but now she's back on track at least to me.

Also I know that Richard is the chief of chiefs but how are they just gonna let him take back over the surgery unit like that again? I mean I did miss him as chief but now Bailey just basically seems like a regular old surgeon with a fancy office, idk it just seems kinda weird to me.

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Jackson

Not only carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan but also using his boatload of cash to rescue a patient's mother from racist police who should have been the ones actually in prison. That was basically it for him though.

___________________________________________

Jo

Oml I honestly almost forgot she was even really in the episode. She had so little screen time. She's still in the middle of transitioning to OB. I have no issue with that because OB's still can do surgery, so we'll still get to see her and she'll be happy again plus it's about time that Grey's cashes in that Regulars card on Carina. We see her on Station 19 as an accessory I want to see the Jo and Carina tag team.

___________________________________________

Amelia

Not really much in this episode. No content with Link she just did surgery to save the scum with Owen. They may have made a mediocre couple but they work good as friends. Also I'm assuming she's off of maternity leave now? Did they mention that I'm not sure but she's back now.

___________________________________________

Richard

Not much of a storyline, he made the decision to put Meredith on the Vent and is busy running the hospital as the chief of the hospital again I guess. And also spitting the much needed facts that Teddy needed to hear.

___________________________________________

Tom

They're finally showing more of Tom's good side, I mean I always liked him and saw the potential in his character but they never really showed his soft side for a prolonged period like they did today. May I just say I enjoyed his and Meredith's friendly banter they have the same lowkey dark humor and at least it would have taken their minds off of being sick especially for him because he basically has no one else. Hearing him open up about his son and expressing how he'd do anything to hear him say dad again was sad I can only imagine his pain. Meredith was his reason for holding on especially after he had to witness his roommate die from Covid, the same thing he's suffering from right before his eyes and now Mer back unconscious this time with a tube down her throat I'm just really hoping that he keeps the faith, the last thing we need is a death right now.

___________________________________________

Meredith

(God damn it Mer all you had to do was stay awake.)

For a few brief moments all was right with the world Meredith was awake and everyone was happy and then she just had to go be Wonder Woman and over exert herself, but that's the thing they would have probably needed armed guards at the doors to keep her from putting someone else's life above her own, its one of her best qualities and at times one of her worst. I knew it was too good to be true when she was awake and laughing. It was giving me Mark Sloan final episode vibes. They better not kill her off that would be the worst ending for me, what about the kids? Step off the damn beach Mer you've gone through too much to let Covid take you out. On the other hand this gives us more beach scenes. It's more unlikely to have a live character return but there's still lots of dead ones to choose from, her mother is always a likely suspect, Denny loved being on the show and I think Breaking bad had its final season, Mark is a toss up based on how he cut ties with the show and Lexie is also a toss up because she is filming Supergirl in another country, however anything is possible with Grey's. I thought the beach scenes were over because she was waking up but look how wrong I was. All I hope is that they don't kill her off its unlikely because she's the main character but still its Grey's they like to go out with a bang.

___________________________________________

Deluca

I left him for last because to me he really did have the biggest storyline of the night.

Firstly I'm glad to see that at least part of the earliers season's Deluca has returned. I loved him as the passionate, badass and almost cocky guy as well but I always missed his more compassionate and softer side more. I'm glad to see it back and I'm also glad to see that he's taking his meds and resting, and I can confirm that having support is a needed factor in treating mental health. As strange as it was seeing the Bailey and Deluca chat it's good that they both have each other. They both suffer from mental illnesses and can relate to each other on a different level. They have me wondering now if they're going to use his mental health issues as a way to separate him and Mer, or use it as the reason why he pursued her, kinda like how they tried to blame Amelia's tumor for her bad decisions and then used it to break her and Owen up. I guess we'll just have to see where Merluca will go from here or if it will manifest Merhaynes instead.

Now onto the big stuff, the whole sex trafficking thing the whole episode I was literally yelling at the tv for either Deluca, Bailey or Carina to see that bitch, the moment it was connected that the kidnapper was involved in trafficking and she showed up I knew shit was about to go down. My heart was racing when I saw her with Schmitt. I really thought she was going to attack him with how sus she was being, luckily she had to go to avoid further suspicion. They need to put security on those girls' door. They've been through enough. If she goes to finish off Bob then no one cares but the girls don't deserve to go through anything else and Deluca after seeing her decided to go after him himself instead of calling the police, granted the police wasn't doing anything helpful but the last thing we need is for him to go after her himself like Superman and trying to save the day. At least Carina went with him so she can help talk him down if necessary but there's only so much she can do.

___________________________________________

There are too many damn superheroes in that hospital.

___________________________________________

My questions are:

• Will both Tom and Meredith make it out of the Covid sickness or will one or even both of them die?

• Will Teddy finally make her mind up so that the Teddy, Tom and Owen love triangle can finally have an ending?

• Who the hell is coming to the beach next? And can they tell Meredith to get her ass off of the beach and never return until she's like 80?

• Will Superman, I mean Deluca save the day without needing medical attention afterwards? Or worst yet needing a casket?

• Is Jo actually switching specialties?

• Are they going to go after the girls or kill Bob instead?

• How is it going to go with Maggie and Winston now that he has arrived in person?

• And lastly and most importantly what am I supposed to do with my Thursday nights until March 4th.

[calzona-ga]

Warning: This post contains spoilers about the March 11 episode of Grey's Anatomy.

In a season where Grey's Anatomy has nearly lost multiple doctorsto COVID-19, its latest shocking death had nothing to do with the pandemic. After DeLuca (Giacomo Gianniotti) followed a sex trafficker out of the hospital, he was stabbed, a wound that Hunt (Kevin McKidd) and Teddy (Kim Raver) thought they'd repaired in surgery. But before the episode ended, Deluca was dead, getting a peaceful farewell with Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) on the beach and a heartwarming reunion with his mother.

EW spoke with Grey's showrunner Krista Vernoff about how his death came together, and where the show goes from here.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Where did this story come from?

KRISTA VERNOFF: It's like a story that told itself to me at the very beginning. At the very beginning of this season as I took a walk on the beach and asked: "What are the stories? What are we doing?" These episodes came in whole cloth. This is what I came into the writers' room knowing. I didn't like it and it made me mad and it made me cry even as I imagined it, and I will admit that multiple times as we were writing the season and even as we were shooting these episodes, I came into the writers' room shouting and crying like, "Really?! This is what we're doing? I think I'm chickening out! I think we have to save him, you guys!" [Laughs] Me, the fan, wants DeLuca to live but the storyteller, I follow the stories where they want to go.

When you say the stories came in pretty complete, did you all have to decide how you were going to kill DeLuca, or was that part of the initial idea?

There was no decision to kill the character and then discussion of how are we going to kill him. There literally was an entire imagining that came into my head of DeLuca following the sex trafficker out of the hospital, following her through the city, refusing to let up, and being punched in the stomach at a certain point by some colleague of hers who he didn't see coming and him dropping. You think he was punched and then you realized he was stabbed and that moves into Grey's Anatomy and he visits with Meredith on the beach. The whole thing downloaded and I was like, "Oh my God, we're killing DeLuca?" That's how it happened. Nobody wanted to kill DeLuca. I didn't want to kill DeLuca! But when I came in and said, "You guys, this is the story," everyone went, "Oh yeah, that's the story." We wanted to honor the fact that we didn't feel like we had completed the storytelling of the sex trafficking [plot] and this felt like the story.

It is truly shocking what's going on out there right now with sex trafficking.

It is shocking what is going on out there! And Giacomo is very involved on the frontlines of this situation, so when we first started to tell this story last season, he was so excited and so grateful that we were going to raise awareness in this way. So when I told him this story, he was kind of happy. He was thrilled that DeLuca was going to die in this brave and noble way that is also going to continue to raise consciousness on this subject and also thrilled that we were being very careful that he was not going out as a result of his mental health crisis, that he went out as a result of his courage and his certainty that someone had to stop this woman.

There's also power in having someone die from something completely unrelated to COVID-19 this season.

That's what I was thinking about when these stories came. I was preoccupied with some tragedies that I was reading about that were entirely unrelated to COVID. My whole body was like, "Wait! This isn't fair! COVID is big and bad enough, really, someone's sister just died of cancer? Really this person's house just burnt down?" It felt so wrong and sometimes that's what the world does, sometimes there's tragedy upon tragedy and I think we all experienced that this year.

I also want to touch on the beach of it all. Unlike with some previousGrey's deaths, you all were able to show him a bit in the afterlife, if you will. What was that like for you to get to create those moments?

The opportunity to imagine that with death comes reunion is this thing that we had never done on this show in that way, and to find new ways to say goodbye to characters that allow you to grieve and be devastated and also overwhelmed with your own sense of, "Oh my God, who would be on my beach?" I think it's a gift. I love it and I'm grateful for it. I love that beach. I've had people say to me, "That beach has put me back into therapy, Krista." [Laughs],

The beach is the place to have all your feelings, especially when DeLuca says something like "I had plans."

I will tell you that it has been therapeutic for me. I wrote all the beach scenes. That's what I did this season. I sat down and I wrote all the beach scenes like a play. And I love it. I love the play. I love the beach. It feels powerful and beautiful and that sandcastle scene, it felt like we're all getting to process our collective grief together through that beach. For me anyway, I'm getting to process my grief, my hopes, my relief. What I said to Giacomo at the table read for this episode I think is the truth. I said, "Thank you for playing this character so beautifully and so powerfully that we all get to feel our collective grief through the loss of him." I think there's a reason we cry as hard as we do when he goes and I don't think it's just DeLuca, I think it's all of it.

What can you say about Carina's (Stefania Spampinato) arc for the rest of the season?

It's a grief arc. That's her baby brother, it's devastating and she plays it, I have full-body chills as I talk about how beautifully she plays it. It's stunning.

I'm also concerned about Teddy. She thought she and Owen finally did something good together, only to have it ripped away. How is DeLuca's death going to impact her?

Powerfully. You are intuiting one of the major stories we're telling going forward, which is everybody has a breaking point and this might just be Teddy's. This story gives us an opportunity to begin to unpack what is untold still in terms of why she's done some of the things she's done in recent seasons.

[nevergiveupneverrun]

Bodyguard - Chapter Sixty “What I want...”

Hello , how are you? Here is chapter Sixty of my Story Bodyguard, yay!! I hope you will like this chapter. Sorry for not posting last week…

I’m sorry in advance for the mistakes… English isn’t my first language and I do my best. Here is the link to the previous chapter: Click Here.

I hope you will enjoy this chapter :) 💛

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- Are you never afraid? She whispers weakly.

——

I let her question resonate inside me.

I take the time to take it seriously, observing the young woman sitting by my side.

A weak voice tries to pierce the void that dominates my mind… to contradict what I want to assert… to reveal my weakness right now… the anguish that has eaten away at me since we’ve been here in Los Angeles.

I look down, unable to answer her question… without exposing myself… completely vulnerable… weak and at her mercy…

I notice that one of her hands draws small circles in the sand, as an automatic gesture to release the tension of the moment.

- I would almost want to tell you to leave… to go to work for Jo, she continues before my silence. To avoid you an endless and dangerous day tomorrow… and yet… I have this blind and so strong confidence in you, which makes me think that you will be able to stop this guy… and that you will be able to do it without putting your life in danger… I’m wrong to listen to this little voice, do you think?

I find Amelia’s gaze, touched by the fragility expressed through her words and her voice, and this interior dilemma which seemed to gnaw at her.

- Never doubt that little voice, I whispered, stopping her gestures in the sand, my hand finding hers. And don’t worry about me, I continue, placing her hand against her knee and loosening my fingers from hers.

A silence of a few seconds breaks between us, pierced only by the melody of the waves before a teasing mine gradually covers Amelia’s face.

- I’m a little special then, for the great Owen Hunt… I have the record for the client you have supported the longest…

- Obviously, yes…

- Just for that, I already deserve an award, right? She asks, sparkling eyes.

I smile at her question, while fully realizing that this woman has been shaping my life for 6 months… without me realizing it…

- But you also deserve an award for supporting me… me and my crazy ideas sometimes… like now… she whispers in a mysterious tone.

She nods towards the sea while keeping my gaze.

- You’re kidding, I hope, I whisper, smile on my lips.

- Come on, there is nobody, she continues while sliding her right-hand against my arm, her face lit up by a magnificent smile.

I can’t contain myself and I laugh at her capricious little girl face.

Her face radiates life and mischief.

- Go ahead, I’m looking at you from here, someone has to keep things, right? I propose, entering in her game.

- Really? Owen Hunt, the most famous bodyguard… a former member of the special forces… is intimidated by a small breaststroke in the Pacific? Amelia bids, her hand tightening slightly my biceps and her head leaning against me.

I just smile, distinguishing reflections dancing within her pupils.

She waits by my side, the smile still widely present on her face, while her second hand comes to find the first by crossing against my arm.

- Don’t challenge me, Amelia, you know what I’m capable of…

- What are you capable of? I don’t know, no, she maintains, laughing eyes.

Her spread is the signal I was waiting for and in a few seconds I get up, carrying her with me and carrying her on a shoulder, like a prisoner that I would have kidnapped.

The flowing fabric of her twirling dress around us.

My right-hand keeps her legs in front of me, against the softness of the bluish silk, to prevent her from falling and the other holds her shoes.

- Owen! I hear behind my back, in a shocked tone.

I keep moving forward, the sound of the waves getting louder and almost threatening, before stopping a few centimeters from the edge of the sea.

- Put me back… I was kidding… she exclaims, hitting my back, amused by my reaction.

- Are you sure? I think that this dear Pacific lacks a few mermaids this evening… 

- I changed my mind, my hotel room tempts me a lot more right away, she yields, the perceptible smile in her voice.

I laugh at her confession.

I shift to the side and move along the sea.

After a few steps, I slide Amelia’s left slightly to place my hands under her thighs and now carry her firmly and properly in my arms, her shoes still held in my left hand.

The singer’s hands naturally find my neck and I discern from the corner of my eye, her knowing smile.

- Very interesting… I never thought you could serve me as a porter… 

- The option is available only after midnight and on the edge of the beach, I said, finding in a few steps the sidewalks of the avenue that we had abandoned earlier.

I place Amelia on a nearby bench, handing her sandals. 

- Thank you, she whispers, taking her shoes back, our hands brushing against each other for a few moments in this action.

She watches me intensely, without putting her shoes, a thoughtful and serious air suddenly dressing her features.

- I’m very lucky, she ends up saying weakly. I am very lucky to have you by my side to protect me… and to have met you…

My heart suddenly racing following her words and a disturbing and oppressive impression is associated with these more lively and faster pulsations.

Growing pressure, tense tension.

A feeling that appeals to me more than any other…

Fear…

Fear of disappointing her…

Fear of not being up to it, of not having the right reaction, of not being there at the right time…

Fear that she will regret her words… If I fail tomorrow…

——

I turn the key in the lock and open the door with a brief movement of the hand.

My eyes quickly review the different corners of the room and after not finding any suspicious activity, I flip the switch to illuminate the room.

- Ok, you can go in, I said to Amelia, who stayed behind me.

She advances in the suite and takes off her shoes quickly, leaving her sandals at the foot of the large dining table in the room.

I close the door behind me and immediately reach the alcove.

I sit for a few moments on the sofa and take off my shoes imitating Amelia. I also take off my socks, prefer to walk barefoot. I get up and walk again towards the center of the room.

I take off my jacket, then my holster, taking care to put my gun on the table in front of me.

I feel intense attention focused on me and looking up, I discover Amelia sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me, and the least of my gestures.

I am about to question her about her observation when a vibration rises in the room.

It takes me a few seconds to realize that it comes from my cell phone, hidden in the inside pocket of my jacket.

My fingers slide in the piece of fabric: they come into contact with a cardboard object first.

I thus place on the table, the card that Jo had put me, a little with force in the pocket, before taking my phone.

A notification informs me that I have received a message, which I open immediately.

From: Nathan Riggs.

Message:

Owen, we were able to make the thing you needed. It will reach you tomorrow morning, by courier directly to your hotel. I hope everything is okay. Be careful. N.R.

I smile slightly, reassured, and satisfied to read this good news. And as always amazed by the efficiency and support of my former mission team members.

I quickly see a silhouette by my side: Amelia stood up and touched Jo’s business card with her fingertips.

- Good news? She asks, her gaze fixed on the cardboard rectangle. 

- Yes, I was waiting for this information… 

She nods like absent, then swipes the card over me.

I put my phone on the table and look in turns at this business card and Amelia…

- Has she already returned? You can go… I will lock the door and not open it to anyone under any circumstances.

I look at her more intensely, destabilized by this remark that I do not quite understand.

- Don’t be surprised… I’ll be pretty selfish tomorrow, knowing that you risk putting your life on the line for me… so tonight, I want to let you free…

She approaches slowly, placing herself right in front of me.

Her hands grab my tie and pull on the fabric, gently undoing the knot.

The two sides finally come off and she collects them in her hand, before placing them on the table next to us while continuing to look at me.

Her proximity, this innocent gesture but carried out with her usual grace have an involuntary effect on my breathing which begins to accelerate…

- Here, now… listen to her advice… for a few hours… forget the bodyguard…

She moves away from me, after this remark, advancing towards the bay window which embraces the whole coast.

- What are you waiting for? She asks with a touch of impatience, turning to me.

- Amelia… if you could be clearer that would help me…

She sighs weakly, before speaking again, her body now completely turned in my direction.

- I heard Jo’s remark earlier… and she’s right… if something happens to you tomorrow… better that you enjoy your evening as a “free“ man… I can stay alone in the room here, I am safe… you should do that than to babysit one more night… especially tonight…

- I don’t babysit, I watch over your safety…

- Forger me a few hours… think of you… she repeats, almost begging.

She redirects her attention to the landscape in front of her, bathed in the light of the stars, offering me her back as the only visual point of reference.

I remain silent, stunned by what she is expressing, and unable to imagine an appropriate response or reaction.

- Didn’t she remind you of it in her text?

- What are you talking about? I ask, lost in front of her questions and allusions.

- Luckily for you, I have the memory of the numbers… room 325… one floor above…

Room 325, Four Seasons hotel… Jo’s room… the one that Amelia so strongly advises me to join… to forger the bodyguard and the unpredictable eventualities of the next day.

- I have no desire to change floors… I announced firmly.

She immediately turns around with a sneering smile on her lips.

- Really? Spend a night with a beautiful woman like Jo, don’t you tempt you? What man would say no?

- You have to believe that I too can be a little special, I replied, taking up her words spoken earlier in the evening.

- You don’t have to play saint with me tonight. You have nothing to prove to me, she confirms weakly.

- No actually… but it is not conceivable for you, that this proposition of your friend does not interest me in the least?

She pauses to stare at me intensely as if to detect the slightest sign of hesitation or lying in my face.

- I have great difficulty in conceiving it, indeed…

- Stop assuming things… know that if these are my last hours I’m exactly where I need to be…

- In a hotel room in Los Angeles, is that on your “I’d like to do before I die“? She continues laughing slightly.

- I was not talking about the place…

A silence of several seconds settles, during which we observe each other with our eyes… like a visual struggle that neither of us wants to give up.

- You know… it could give you another perspective to forget me for a few hours… it might make you see things differently… and their importance differently…

- Like what?

- Like… maybe… that you will realize that this job is insane… that risking your life for a little singer, harassed by a crazy, it’s…

- What I’m going to get up for tomorrow, I finish for her by cutting her off. You can stop standing up to me on this… it’s not my first mission, Amelia… not the first time I’m going to face dangerous situations.

- Maybe, but it’s the first time I realize that…. She starts without ending. I… I don’t want you to be hurt because of me… that you die because of me.

- Well, I’ll try to avoid the balls and banana peels tomorrow, I answer with a smile, casually.

- Seriously, Owen… you can’t forget your savior reflexes and think about yourself… forget the bodyguard…

- Sorry, it’s second nature to me, I say with a hint of a smile in my voice.

I was trying to use humor to fight her almost irrational angst.

She was disturbed since our arrival on the outcome of our stay and in particular on my fate. I was touched by her concern but it shouldn’t have worked her so much… it was useless… it would avoid nothing…

The priority was her safety. Her life. And not mine.

- Don’t worry about me… you know, it’s not usual for the people I work for to worry about my fate…

- I have a bad feeling… it’s stronger than me…

Her confession touches me and anguishes me at the same time.

- Don’t be afraid… there is no reason…

Amelia watches me for a long time as if destabilized by my conviction and my tenacity.

Also surprised by my reaction to this freedom proposition that she wanted to offer me.

I notice that she is biting her lower lip, her fingers tightening mechanically along with her dress… like a tension expressing itself from deep inside her…

- But… if ever… if ever it didn’t go well tomorrow…

- No negative thoughts, I answer quickly.

- You cannot consider that this is not a possibility… there is surely a 99% chance that everything will end well and maybe even that I will have these awards, she continues ironically. But there is still this 1% probability… that it will be your last night… and maybe mine…

- You…

- Let me finish… Amelia whispers firmly, slowly approaching me. If we were to die tomorrow… you must follow Jo’s advice… forgot the bodyguard… forget the singer… just be the man… for a few hours…

She is not two steps from me, her eyes darker and more vibrant than a few seconds ago… with always on the lips, this famous invitation from Jo… and her stubbornness makes me loose my patience.

- Stop with this story… I already told you what I thought… you shouldn’t make assumptions about what I want, without knowing…

- Because spending a few hours with her, hasn’t it crossed your mind? Well, tell me… she resumes more strongly.

- Tell what? I repeat, exasperation rising in my voice.

- Tell me what you want, Amelia specifies. What do you want Owen?

She remains in front of me, without moving, without touching me, but keeping my gaze.

Her blue pupils have taken on a darker and more mysterious shade… a shade that I have observed in the past… a specific memory comes to my mind and destabilizes me a little more.

My gaze leaves her eyes and focuses on her lips that blow me weakly this question.

A simple question and yet so complex for me.

It resounds in my mind like a litany… long seconds…

To the rhythm of my heart racing.

To the rhythm of my breathing, slightly jerky.

To the rhythm of this familiar tension that takes hold of my being.

No words to answer her.

I don’t have any.

I don’t find them.

What I find, on the other hand, it’s her hand a few centimeters from mine… fingers that I grab and suddenly pull towards me, her body running aground against mine.

Our eyes stared at each other for a few seconds.

A few seconds to hesitate.

A few seconds to contemplate.

A few seconds to decide, make what I want.

And an electrical contact from my mouth which slowly and shyly fits closely hers to seal my answer.

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Thank you for reading. Stay safe and have a great week 💛

[ariainstars]

Did Princess Leia Love Her Son?

Warning: long post. (And possible unpopular opinions ahead.)

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This entry is slightly more personal than my others; I might be kicking up some dust but I will try to approach a subject that to most people is unthinkable. I went through psychical abuse for decades, so I believe I know what I’m talking about. 

Some mothers don’t love their children. 

I am aware that most people on this planet are convinced that a mother, any mother, will love her child no matter what. Unfortunately, the idea is seen through very rose-tinted glasses.

Some mothers don’t love their children because they can’t. 

The reasons can vary - honestly, I don’t see many parallels between Leia and my own mother. But I know the signs. And the more I think about it the more I get the distinct impression that Leia did not love for her son, if we define “love” as the faith in someone’s goodness. Padmé knew that there still was good in her husband until her last breath, and Luke believed the same of Vader, even though his father had done nothing but hunting and terrorizing him and his friends. Leia, on the contrary, feared her son since before he was born, and her conviction of his evil nature never abated although he never hurt anyone for many years. The fact that her fear runs so deep says volumes; even more so when we consider that she is the only one who did not directly get hurt by him. Han was stabbed through by his son, before Chewie’s eyes; and Luke was left by his nephew for dead, even if the tragedy at the temple had not been intentional on Ben’s side (see The Rise of Kylo Ren by Charles Soule, the story therein is officially part of the canon).

I anticipate, again, that I think one of the sequel’s worst faults was to explain so little and leave so much to the audience to deduce from things unsaid, hints, and parallel situations throughout the saga. (One of the reasons being, I guess, the release of The Last Jedi: we saw from the general audience’s reactions on social media what can happen when unpopular though realistic things are said.)

Leia - A Princess Without a Realm

Let us recapitulate what we know about Leia. She grew up serene and protected on a beautiful planet with adoptive parents who loved her and gave her a good education. She is an intelligent, confident woman, strong in her ideals and beliefs. She never shows fear or sorrow, not even when her home planet is blown up before her eyes, when she is held prisoner and tortured, when she has to watch the man she loves being frozen in carbonite before her eyes, when she finds her brother crippled, when she is held by a disgusting lecher like Jabba, or when she learns that Vader is her own father.

Being raised a princess, Leia was probably taught very strong self-control: no matter what she had to endure, she never buckled down or lost her countenance. It cannot be denied however that much of her adult life was traumatic. What we euphemistically see as “adventures” and “all’s well that ends well” in the classic films would leave any person with a huge post-traumatic stress disorder; and Star Wars is, as far as I can judge, a psychologically well-studied story. 

From the novels we learn that Han and Leia got married shortly after the battle of Endor, and that their son was born about a year later. One year is not much to recover after a war that cost so many lives and made all of them suffer so much. Han was probably more resilient than the twins due to the life he led before he met them; but he had been through a lot, too. Even if they loved their son with parental instinct, they both were not ready for the task of parenthood. And Ben was not an easy child: from his adult self we can deduce that he was always oversensitive and very intelligent. His family, like many well-meaning families, chose his future (his profession, we might say) and never explained his family’s past to him. But like any child with an emotional nature, Ben sensed that something was wrong about him; he did not know what it was since nobody told him about his grandfather; and wanting desperately to be loved, he began to blame himself, accepting the connotation “I am a monster” since he was still a child. 

Leia had felt both her son’s power in the Force and Snoke’s influence on his mind since he was still in her womb. Let us only try to imagine the horror she must have felt, knowing that a new Darth Vader might come from her! It is difficult to say for whom she feared most - her son, herself or the galaxy at large. Leia was adamant that he had to become a Jedi, hence her quarrels with her husband, which their son sometimes overheard. But since he was ultimately sent to training with his uncle, he also understood that his father had not managed to prevent his being sent away, like a defective item that needed to be fixed. 

Kylo told Rey that “Han would have disappointed her” and later said to her and Finn “Han Solo can’t protect you”: so, he obviously felt Han had come short of a father’s primary duty, i.e. keeping his child safe. Let us remember for a moment how crucially important this message always was through the saga: Shmi let her son, the only thing that had made her happy, join the Jedi so he could be free. Owen and Beru sacrificed themselves to prevent the Imperial stormtroopers from finding Luke together with the droid. Anakin betrayed the Jedi order in his despair to keep his family (wife and unborn children) safe. And Ben fell to the dark not due to Snoke’s influence, he resisted him for over twenty years; he only rebelled and left his uncle’s temple after an attempt on his safety. 

We do not learn (to my knowledge) whether Ben was in contact with his parents during his years at Luke’s temple. It is not mentioned however, so I assume that even if he was, nothing noticeable happened. Han sees his son again when he is a grown man… and I find it interesting that the scene has a sexual connotation. Ben does not notice his old man at all, although he can sense him in the Force (later on Starkiller Base he does), he only cares about securing Rey. And Han sees him carrying her away like a bride, probably wondering how his little boy grew to be this unknown, dark, hooded figure, who wreaks terror on Takodana yet is surprisingly gentle with a girl.

From The Rise of Kylo Ren we learn that Ben had not intentionally caused the fire at his uncle’s temple; but he had been blamed for it by his surviving fellow students and chased by them off the planet. In TFA, we learn Leia did not doubt for one moment that Luke’s narration of the night at the temple was true. She blamed Snoke, but it never occurred to her that Ben might be innocent - her own son. She did not try to communicate once in all the years he was Kylo Ren but left him alone while he damned his soul committing crime after crime. Luke never told her the truth, even when he met her again one last time, and she did not question it. Leia did send her estranged husband to “get their son back”, but obviously she did not consider actively participating in this task. We only see mother and son “interact” emotionally from time to time; they never meet and never talk. Ben sees his father, has a conversation with him, Han even touches him; Luke does not touch him and they don’t exactly have a dialogue, but at least they meet. To me, that is significant. 

When mother and son sense one another on two different ships at the beginning of The Last Jedi, Leia’s mind is perfectly silent. We merely see that Ben feels his mother is aboard, which makes him pull his finger from the trigger. But his expression changes: from belligerent and angry, he becomes vulnerable, shy. He even looks more boyish. Ben is aware that his mother disapproves of his choices, but he has no chance to explain to her how things could come this far.

„You can’t go back to her now. Just like I can’t.” Kylo (intending Leia) to Rey in The Rise of Skywalker 

Leia does not know her son. She wants him back “home”, but to her, that means fighting by her side; it does not occur to her that her son is fighting for his life, that he became a war criminal without having wanted it, and that he can’t simply go back and put himself to trial: he is aware that nobody would believe him. Fatalism caught up with him and his family the way it already had with Anakin. His mother and uncle always felt that he was doomed; and since they believed it, the galaxy at large believes it, too. Snoke knew that by pushing Ben to patricide he would shut all remaining doors for his apprentice - nothing but self-hatred left for him, no way to go back even if he had found the courage. What was he supposed to do, go back and say, “Hi mom, sorry I killed dad (your husband)”? It baffles me to this day how many fans believe that he that he “chose the Dark Side” and that he could just as easily switch sides, like nothing had happened. 

Leia never trusted anyone who was not on her side. In ANH she immediately hit it off with Luke, who not surprisingly turns out to be her twin brother; and as we learn in TFA, she and Han fought all through their marriage, though that didn’t prevent them from loving one another. Leia either expects someone to think the way she does, or to be only just so different that she can keep him in check. 

“Han - don’t do it.” “Do what?” “Whatever you have in mind - just don’t do it!” Han and Leia in The Force Awakens

This reaches a sad and somehow grotesque turn when Leia takes Rey as her apprentice. With her brother dead, Leia is the only one left to do it; and though it is understandable that someone must carry on the Jedi knowledge, I myself would be extremely wary of training a girl who is none other than the flesh and blood of the man I fought against for years and who caused so much death and terror throughout the entire galaxy. 

Leia had not met Palpatine though; her horror of the Dark Side was embodied by Vader, who had imprisoned and tortured her, forced her to watch while her home planet was blown up before her eyes, frozen her boyfriend in carbonite and maimed her brother. Leia never forgave Vader, and even if unconsciously, she probably blamed him for having somehow come back in the son she was carrying. I doubt whether Luke ever talked to his sister about Vader and told her about the broken, sad old man he found behind the mask. There is nothing suggesting that they did, and besides Luke and Leia both do not seem to me like two people very prone to introspection, they always look to the future. (Which is of course a good thing, but then again denying traumata always backfires.) 

„Skywalker, still looking to the horizon. Never here… The need in front of your nose.” Yoda in The Last Jedi 

Leia did not want to repeat with Rey the mistakes she had made with Ben and that’s good and well; however, she feared her son but was not in the least afraid of Rey. Maybe she “always knew who Rey was”, but she obviously never knew who her own son was. As Count Dooku once said to Obi-Wan, the Dark Side clouded her judgement - preventing her from seeing the human in Ben, and from seeing the monster in Rey. This is not due to their respective bloodlines, but because Rey’s uncompromising attitude is familiar to Leia, while her son’s stormy, questioning mind is unfamiliar and frightening to her. 

Though Leia did not actively order Rey to kill Kylo, they were on opposite sides of the war; and Rey practically kills him with his own mother’s help and thanks to her training. Both women know what they are doing and they are acting on their own initiative. Obi-Wan and Yoda also had wanted to groom Luke into killing Anakin, but this one was not aware of his connection to him; and Obi-Wan in particular was not plotting against his own flesh and blood, even though he did raise Anakin like a younger brother. 

Comparing Leia with the other Star Wars mothers makes her failure even more evident. Shmi was an ordinary slave, probably not even learned, but she raised her son to be a good boy and always believed in him; giving him away was a sacrifice for her. Her son was everything she had, which is why she gave him so much in return. Leia has her background as a princess, her military and political career, her husband, her brother, her friends: so, of course her son wasn’t everything for her. Leia gave Ben away hoping that Luke would form him into a powerful ally for her Cause. The mistake both women made was thinking that growing up as Jedi would be good for their sons. When Anakin left his mother, he had everything to gain: freedom, a place in life, and (he hoped) the chance to come back and free his mother as well. When Ben left home, he had everything to lose: his family to which he most probably had no contact, his wish of becoming a pilot, the chance of a family of his own since a Jedi is not supposed to get married. The ways of the Jedi let each of them down, although their backgrounds couldn’t differ more. 

Many fans criticize that in RotS Padmé, the brilliant strategist and brave fighter of the first two prequel films, is ostensibly reduced to “barefoot and pregnant”. It is true that Padmé has laid down her mandate and of course she wants to protect her unborn, but that does not make her passive: shortly after having witnessed a political putsch and with it the end of all her political aims, she walks into the lion’s den on Mustafar, vulnerable and alone, to get her husband out of there, although she was told that he committed a carnage at the Jedi Temple and knew that he was capable of that (years prior, he had told her about the Tusken village himself). But she still believed in him. 

There is an obscure flashback scene in The Rise of Skywalker, where during their training Leia says to Luke that she will become a Jedi only on the death of her son. This makes perfect sense: a Jedi always must face his own darkness to finish his training. Being in a way the reincarnation of her father, her son is her Dark Side, the one she refuses to face. Leia already knows or senses that she and her son will be on opposite sides, and that in order to become a Jedi and become one with the Force, she will have to confront her own child. The act is physically carried out by Rey’s hand: Rey was her pupil, she was like an adopted daughter in her son’s stead to her, Leia had sent her on the mission to retrieve the wayfinder, she was the one who called Ben when they were dueling, so in a way, it actually is Leia who kills Ben. It is her incapacity to love her son for being himself, as a person and not as a projection of her own darkness, that causes his tragic fate. 

Leia is oddly distanced from her son; she expects him to deliver, i.e. become a good Jedi, or at least submit himself to her mercy. She never understood his dilemma in the slightest - that he never wished to be a Jedi, and that he also had not wanted to become an evil warlord but was pushed into it when there was nothing left for him to do. He had to become a Jedi or nothing; she would not have accepted him simply for being himself (the way his father did). 

 Ben - Child and Grandchild Of War 

Leia and Luke fail to rebuild the “better world” of the Old Republic because they both don’t acknowledge that this world does no longer exist and that it can’t be restored. Leia is a princess, but Alderaan is gone; Luke is the last Jedi, and the Jedi are extinct. It is their refusal to accept that the past is over that ultimately leads both of them to disaster. And in a way, Ben understands that the way Luke does, eventually. 

“Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to. It’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.” Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi “It’s time for the Jedi to end.” Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi

Ben is a child and grandchild of war; both generations before him had to watch people they cared or were responsible for suffer and die. He grows up in a period of peace, but like any child whose parents have not overcome war traumata, their pain is handed down to him like a cursed heritage. His family keeps him warm and fed, clothed and instructed, but they fail capitally when it comes to his emotional needs; as for any questions he may have, they choose to simply ignore them. They fail him long before the disaster at Luke’s temple: it is only the last drop. Like Anakin before him, he feels betrayed, abandoned and left behind by the ones whom he chiefly ought to be able to put his trust into. 

We are confronted over and over with the strength of the Light in Ben: even when he commits the patricide he hates what he is doing, and afterwards he is traumatized, his self-hatred deeper than ever. While Anakin projected his anger and frustration to the outside, Ben will rather hate himself. But their emotional reaction to their mothers are the same - both could not be by their mothers’ side in her dying moment, and both feel like they let her down, taking the blame on themselves. 

Remember how Ben turns around immediately, on the Death Star ruin, right in the middle of a fight with the girl he loves, who is in the throes of the Dark Side, who he wants to protect from herself at all costs - all because his mother calls him? It looks like she is trying to prevent him from doing evil; but if that is the case, it only proves how little she understands him. Her son was not doing anything bad, on the contrary, he had found the girl whom she herself had trained under the influence of her own malignant self, and was trying to make her reason and accept herself instead of projecting her fears and her anger onto him. 

“The Dark Side is in our nature. Surrender to it.“ Kylo Ren in The Rise of Skywalker 

In TFA, Han faced his son personally; on that fatal bridge on Starkiller base Ben at first walked away from him although he sensed him, when Han called him he did not turn around, and he resisted Snoke’s order to kill him as long as he could; he would not have managed to do it had Han not understood what was going on and allowed his son to kill him so he could save his soul with his forgiveness and unconditional love.

On the bridge of the ruins of the second Death Star, Ben does not struggle at all when his mother calls him. Maybe because he feels that she’s dying; but I also believe that it was what he had waited for all along - his mother finally reaching out to him. In that moment his fate is sealed: Rey stabs him through, annihilating his Kylo Ren persona. From now on, he’s Ben, the name his mother called him by. This is the moment of his redemption and also the beginning of his end.

Ben did need Kylo. Kylo Ren was his Dark Side, and like his grandfather Anakin, Ben Solo was meant to be the Balance. We could already have guessed, in this moment, that he was not meant to survive; in order to live he ought to have learned to reconcile both parts of himself, Light and Dark, not to shed one of them. His moments of heroism on Exegol, thought few, show us how powerful he can be when he is in balance. But neither Rey nor Leia (or Han, for that matter) ever acknowledged Kylo’s right to exist, or understood the importance of Balance for lasting peace. 

This scene just proves how desperate Ben was for his mother’s approval. All it needed was one gesture, one word. He did not want to be a Jedi; my guess is that he accepted to be his uncle’s apprentice in hopes that this would teach him to become more the kind of man his mother wanted him to be. Luke was an unreachable role model before his eyes; no matter what he did, Ben was always aware that he could not come up to his standard. Luke was a galactic legend, a savior, a saint-like figure ever since Ben was a child, and Ben neither was that way nor did he want to: in his heart, Ben is a normal boy who wants to be seen as a person. Anakin and Luke were affectionate and searching for emotional connection, too, but both also wanted to prove themselves. Ben does not strike me at all as being ambitious. He is neither truly hero nor villain but, in the first place, someone who wants to love and be loved. He wants to live his own life, make his own choices, have control over his own fate, protect his dignity as a human being and as a man. This is often misinterpreted as being “power-hungry”, but to me, these are very natural desires. And he has to carve his own way; he can’t simply embrace the path of the follower, because he is by nature both blessed and cursed with an extraordinary power which sets him apart from others. This is nobody’s fault. And it is much more frustrating for him than for the world around him, where, each in his way, everybody seems to think “If only he would behave!” 

Ben is aware of the fact that he never was first for anyone in his life. His parents and uncle were much more attached to one another than to him. Ben is someone who tries so hard to change, only to realize over and over that it’s not enough. And this reaches a sad and terrible peak that night at the Jedi temple, when he has to learn that despite all his efforts, Luke thinks he would be better off dead. No wonder all of his anger and frustration come to the surface when he sees his uncle again on Crait, this is obviously a rage born from a conflict of long standing. From his point of view, Luke destroyed his life. And although Luke had not wanted that, it cannot be denied that in a way he did, and worse, that he ran from his guilt instead of trying to repair the damage. 

The alternative, Ben has to find out, is not better though: the Knights of Ren and Snoke make him give up all the rest of what he is, and Snoke keeps demanding more - the ultimate sacrifice of his father, the person who was closest to him, by his own hand. 

I am aware that many fans find Kylo / Ben “embarrassing” due to his emotional tantrums. His mother, his father or uncle, or his grandfather would never have behaved like this! When they killed someone, it always had style, so it was justified… even if Kylo’s tantrums are directed towards machinery and not taken on people. Few seem to consider that he is not “immature and childish”: he is a man who was pushed to the limits of emotional endurance throughout his life. (This is also a bit personal for me - I know situations like that from own experience, smashing household articles simply because I couldn’t take it anymore. Lifelong abuse is no laughing matter.)

Ben is in a vicious circle: his strong emotionality makes him vulnerable, the abuse makes him even more emotionally unsteady, and so it goes on and on. He has no way out, except for the faint hope to find someone who will see him as a person at last. 

“I have no choice and I never did... Whether it’s Luke Skywalker or Snoke, neither one sees me as a person. I’m just a legacy, a set of expectations.” Ben Solo in The Rise of Kylo Ren, 4

That Ben loves both his mother and Rey despite the fact that one took the other as her apprentice and the other uses this training to kill him only proves the depth of his dedication. At no time we see him being jealous towards Rey, or angry at his mother because of her double standard. Ben’s love for his mother is unconditional. And his love is also unconditional for Rey, whose soul and body he saves giving up his own although she took everything from him, including his life the moment he lowered his defense.

Rey and Leia represent the general audience’s point of view: how could anyone not wish to be someone as cool as a Jedi, and getting the chance to fight against the bad guys? Ben is the other point of view, someone who indeed does not want it at all. It takes him a long time to find out what he actually wants to do with his powers: “Give a new order to the galaxy”, together with Rey. When she refuses and leaves him, he feels not only betrayed but humiliated. All he is left with is the maddening desire to burn the house down for good, the ultimate sin his uncle saves him from by sacrificing himself on Crait.

  Conclusions

One of the troubles with a weak, absent, violent or otherwise dysfunctional father figure is their repercussion on the mother figures: Padmé can’t be a mother because she is physically absent, and Leia can’t because she is emotionally absent. Much as Ben may love Leia, he knows her. He knows that to her he always was more a burden than someone she loved having around; he is aware of her fear of him, which is why he rightly assumes, after the tragedy at the temple, that she will never believe it was not his doing. 

And this is what brings me to my first point: a mother may not be capable of loving her child. She may nourish fond memories of the sweet baby and cute toddler she used to take care of, but the more the child grows, the more a traumatized mother will be terrified by the emerging personality of an intelligent child which might see through her carefully built-up walls, and even more scared of the child’s emotional development into a person she can no longer keep in control, who might doubt her, and want to make his own choices. Of course, being born with the Force is a huge responsibility. However, it cannot be denied that the Jedi Order failed, and that both Leia and her brother did not question their ways; instead, they did everything to prevent Ben from questioning them.

The actual tragedy of a dysfunctional mother-child relationship is that a mother may not really love her child, but a child instinctively loves the mother because its psychological balance roots in its faith in the mother’s love.

If unavoidable, in extreme cases the child can of course learn to let go, accept that its own mother could not love it, and that this was neither her nor the child’s fault in the first place; but that takes time and effort and needs a lot of support from other sources. Things Ben never had, because he had to fight for his life while his own mother was the general of the Resistance, each and every member of which would have killed him in cold blood had they had the chance. (Remember how Poe tried to shoot him in the back in TFA, and Rey shot at him in TLJ when he was in sickbay, wounded and unarmed? And these are the good guys.) He’s the Bad Guy, remember? Not Leia’s son. Just like Rey is the Good Heroine, not Palpatine’s heir. Nobody questions what the Good Guys do.

Leia may have loved Ben to a certain extent, but of one thing I am fairly sure: unconditional is not what her love for him was. Leia knew that there was still light in her son, but she did not realize that he was desperately searching for Balance between both sides. Leia did want him back, but only if he was willing to embrace only the Light Side and to shed the darkness in him, like that was even possible. Luke and Leia, like almost all the Jedi before them, pretended that there was no darkness in them… which made the darkness all the more powerful in someone who was closely connected to with them. 

Ben, like his grandfather, is more honest and authentic with his feelings than the people he knows. That he so often errs results from lack of judgement; Ben reminds me of someone who keeps stumbling because he’s left in the dark. His grandfather’s is also the story of a human tragedy, precisely because Anakin, too, did not know what was going on behind stage. Luke’s story is eventually a success because Vader tells him the truth, which first shocks him but then makes him develop a strong and mature personality. 

Star Wars is about a family made unhappy by a distorted idea of masculinity; an idea mostly brought up and propagated by the Jedi. Both the detached type like Mace Windu, Obi-Wan or Yoda and the cruel and sardonic Vader are a product of this attitude. We have until now never seen a happy family during the course of the whole saga, with a united couple of parents growing and protecting their children together. Anakin became a villain simultaneously with being a father; I find it interesting that his son Luke seems to have escaped this fate partly because he never was confronted with fatherhood. 

Leia wants her son back as her child; she does not expect him to become a grown man who makes his own choices. One of the things that make the final trilogy of the saga so dissatisfying is, to me, that a Skywalker man again was denied the dignity to be on his own, to develop a healthy masculinity and to make his own choices instead of being expected to simply do what he was told. 

Not surprisingly, Ben is saved by his father, the most human of the bunch. Smuggler, adventurer, “nobody”, cheater, thief, war general… Han Solo was always first and foremost himself, which is why he understands his son’s human side best. As Luke is a Jedi, Leia is a princess. She never is a mother above everything else, the way Shmi was. Unconsciously or not, she places power above family. Ben calls his father “Dad” in TRoS (in TFA he referred to him by his name); he never calls Leia “mother”. 

Of course, like Luke, Obi-Wan and all the Jedi before them, Leia has no truly bad intentions. She does want her son to be safe and happy - on her conditions. She cannot understand his desire to reconcile with the darkness inside of him, respectively to take Vader’s skeleton from the family closet; she accepts only a part of him. When Ben finally “comes home”, in death, it is as Han’s and Leia’s child. And this also, unbeknownst to her, causes Rey’s lonely fate since her mate, her other half in the dyad, is gone. 

The heroes of old have proved incapable of giving their son and heir the support he would have needed; when they faced their guilt it was too late; and still after death, none of them accepted the Dark Side’s right to exist. Ben “comes home” purged from his sins, without having integrated the two parts of himself, and leaving the greatest power in the galaxy in the hands of a young woman who is very far from understanding Balance in the Force, or only the necessity and importance of it.

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

What does all of this mean for us, as the audience? Maybe that it’s time to grow up. Becoming an adult has much to do with seeing the limitations of the people (heroes) you used to trust blindly when you were a child. Many people never accept that, or feel let down for life. I think the wisest course is to learn how to grow and mature together with your people you used to admire, to learn from one another precisely because none of us is perfect, but we all can grow and mature the ones through the others.

The Rise of Skywalker told us, among other things (though not saying so openly) that even a positive and universally liked character like Princess Leia is not immune to the Dark Side of the Force, and that she may support it fully convinced of doing the right thing. It does not make the good she did undone, and does not deny her positive sides. And it does not say that we can’t love her any more. Anyone is entitled to be annoyed by these revelations. Leia is not a bad person, she’s human. But waking up from our ideals of heroism and happy endings may be more to the point for our own growth. 

Our parents, our heroes, anyone can err for many reasons. To see their mistakes does not mean giving up on their or our ideals; the good things they stand for are still valid. Yet seeing their weaknesses and finding our own way to honor those ideals is perhaps a better way to get on with our lives than thinking that there is someone, anyone in the world we can look up to because they are, and always will be, perfect. 

  Side Note: Speculations 

Although many affronted fans claim so, the heroes of the OT were not dismantled by the ST: Luke, Han and Leia each in his own way show their heroism again in their respective situations. But it is also made abundantly clear that where they failed was their duty towards the next generation. The thought is of course disturbing because a mother is supposed to give affection to a child, a father to offer it protection and advice, a mentor to foster its capacities. In Ben’s case, all three of them failed blatantly. That they managed to do so with Rey, a perfect stranger to their family, would be acceptable if she were not the offspring of Palpatine of all people. As it is, her “inheritance” of the Skywalker legacy feels as unearned as Ben’s failure and death feel undeserved. 

Parents in Star Wars always have failed their children because they were in some way absent. Anakin, Luke and Ben, all three generations of Skywalkers, suffer from a father trauma. Anakin was always a father, never a son; Luke always a son, never a father. Which brings me back to the point I can’t give up on: a healthy father figure, someone who was a son and becomes a father, who went to the Dark Side but came back, who was not only redeemed but also rehabilitated, and finds an equally strong mother figure by his side, is essential if the galaxy is ever to find lasting Balance. I am not giving up hope. 😉

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Colton/Kauri Fanfiction #1

@shameless-whumper and I ended up basically accidentally creating a challenge in which I promised to reward anyone who drew a specific, amazing fanart idea I was sent in an ask with a fake fanfiction drabble that featured the Colton/Kauri pairing.

You guys took me up on it.

Holy shit did you ever.

I am currently sitting at I believe four fanfic drabbles owed with at least one more soon to be claimed, I think. 

I’ve finished the first, and it’s below the cut. I give you... @haro-whumps‘s request for “Colton touches Kauri’s hair”:

Tagging: @maybeawhumpblog, @pepperonyscience, @haro-whumps, @18-toe-beans, @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @giggly-evil-puppy, @lump-of-whump, @whimpers-and-whumpers

(Colton is of course @shameless-whumper‘s and this drabble comes with express permission and no small amount of glee)

The fog was deep and my voice was inside and it told me a secret by NotAHowenShipper Youtube Videos - The Host

No Archive Warnings Apply, Colton/Kauri, On the Run, Forbidden Love, All They Do Is Kiss (This Time), I wrote this instead of sleeping, should I write another one where they do more, maybe if I get enough comments lol, omg can you even imagine the Host’s face, Owen Grant is a dick, wouldn’t it be so funny if Vincent Shield saw this

Kauri and Colton are on the run after leaving the Host and Owen Grant. They’re alone in the city with no one to turn to but each other. A cold night in a dark alley changes everything.

I love comments and kudos, you guys!!! Let me know if I should write a chapter two or something that gets a little ~spicier~, if you get my drift! LOL these two were so cute in the Better Box Boy video, I hope we see them again. They are TOTALLY made for each other, right????

This was written after like six Redbulls and at 3 AM so don’t judge!!!

The alley is already dark, the shadows of the buildings on either side closing in over their heads. The footsteps pound past, a flash of darker shadow in the yellow late-afternoon winter sunlight. 

Colton’s black hoodie blends in, the hood pulled up to hide as much of his face as possible, and he presses Kauri against the crumbling brick wall behind him to hide the younger man, in his thin white T-shirt, from the handlers pursuing them. He has a hand against the wall on either side of Kauri, boxing him in, his mouth very nearly pressed against Kauri’s ear. “Just be quiet and they won’t see us,” He murmurs, and thinks that Kauri’s ear feels cold where his lips just barely brush along the shell.

Kauri was already shivering long before they made it into the alley, but here out of the weak sunlight the temperature drops even more, and he can hear Kauri’s soft breathing starting to get shallow and panicked. 

Or maybe he’s breathing faster because of something else.

“It’s okay,” Colton says softly, low voice pitched deep enough not to carry. Black curls gently graze against his forehead, his cheek, and Kauri is biting his lower lip, his eyes staring to the side, towards the entrance of the alley. “It’s gonna be okay, Kauri, I promise, just wait until they’re gone.”

He can still hear them shouting to each other, trying to find them, and while Kauri nods, Colton chances a direct look and finds his blue eyes are wide, white-rimmed, and frightened. 

He can’t stand it; hates the way Kauri looks so scared, even days after running out of the Host’s house. They could be picked up any second, the moment a sleeve rides up enough to show the barcodes and numbers tattooed into their wrists, the second their jittery nervousness is read for what it is by strangers on the street.

Pets on the run, to be rounded up and returned to Owen Grant and the Host - probably sent back to the Facility to be refurbished and sold off like virus-riddled computers. He doesn’t even know why he decided to run when he did. Owen and the Host had been in another room, and he’d just grabbed Kauri’s arm and said, come with me.

The real question was why Kauri had so quickly gone with him.

No argument, no fight. Kauri had only whispered, yes, flashed him a slight, shy smile, and run right after him out the door. The Host and Owen hadn’t even noticed until they were most of the way down the block, and he’d heard them shouting as a distant sound that seemed barely human. 

But barely human is what they are, and the only way to stay together now is to never stop moving. They’re hungry - Colton’s been panhandling, making enough to get by but not really enough to live on, even as homeless ex-pet runaways. Kauri’s too distinctive, his looks are too much like Vincent Shield, and so he mostly stays back in shadows while Colton, who looks like no one in particular or at least no one famous, does his best to keep them fed. 

They’re hungry, and hunted, and running out of time to figure out another plan. He doesn’t even really know where he is, or why he ran, or what he expects to happen next. The weirdest part is that it doesn’t even matter.

All that matters is who came with him.

Kauri shivers again, and he’s close enough to feel it. Colton lifts a hand to his face, and Kauri’s breathing calms, a little, at the touch. Colton swallows against the urge to keep this up, to never stop doing whatever it took to make Kauri feel just a little safer. 

“Hey, are you shaking ‘cause you’re scared, or is this just because of the cold?” His heart is pounding but it feels like it’s less from fear than it was before, now some other feeling creeping its way in. 

It’s something he doesn’t want to think about, or to talk about, but it’s still been between them from the moment he’d seen Kauri from behind the camera.

“Can-... do I get to say both?” Kauri whispers, and the two of them laugh, airy and breathless and barely sounds at all. “They almost got us that time, Colton.”

“It doesn’t matter. We got away again. We’ll always get away, I promise, I’ll make sure you always get away.”

Kauri turns his head a little, and they’re barely an inch apart, now. “I don’t want me to always get away, Colton,” Kauri says, and there’s a hitch to his voice. “I want both of us to always get away... together.”

The air is warmer between them than the cold around them, and this time when he feels Kauri shiver, Colton pushes closer to him instead of pulling back. He unzips his sweatshirt - they’d dropped the branded Host’s merchandise as fast as they could, taking a sweatshirt right off the hanger at a convenience store and putting the Host’s sweater in its place - and slides it off his shoulders.

Colton wonders why it is that this is the person he wanted so badly to protect that he’d lose everything - and risk even more - just to end up here. Some sweet guy he’d only barely met, barely spoken to… but here they were.

Together, half-starved and freezing in a dirty alley, and Colton is taking off the only warm clothing he has to slide it over the shoulders of the younger man looking up at him with wide, blue eyes, his face slightly scrunched up with confusion. 

“Colton, no,” Kauri says softly, but he pulls the sweatshirt tighter around himself, and Colton swallows against an unfamiliar feeling (but no, it’s not unfamiliar at all) of wanting to see Kauri wearing his clothes - all of them, not just his sweatshirt - one day. “You’ll get cold.”

“You’re already cold,” Colton says softly, and his smile is slight and maybe a little sharp, but softer than it ever was for the Host. And Kauri’s returning smile had none of the nervous fear of every time Colton had seen him look towards Owen Grant when Colton had stood behind the camera.

“I don’t want us to trade off being cold,” Kauri says, and his hands are a little shaky when he reaches out, twisting fingers into the fabric of the thick long-sleeved shirt Colton was wearing under the hoodie. When he pulls Colton forward, he moves easily enough, until they’re touching and Colton can feel Kauri’s heart beating as hard and fast as his own. Kauri shifts, pulling the sides of the hoodie around so they wrapped around behind Colton, too, and Kauri’s shiver was still there but it had changed, too. “We could be warm together, instead.”

Colton’s forehead drops forward, to rest against Kauri’s, breathing a little harder. “We don’t even know who we are,” He whispers, and there’s real pain in that confession. He doesn’t know why he’d signed up for the pet program, what he’d done in his past that was so bad he had given up everything.

But he’s found something else in the process.

“I could be a murderer. I could be something terrible, and you don’t even know.” Even as he speaks the words, Colton’s hands move up to cup Kauri’s face, the cold cheeks against his warm palms. He moved his fingers up into Kauri’s hair, into wild black curls that had gone tangled with days on the run, a little dirty, but still they feel impossibly soft to him. 

Kauri melts into the touch, leaning his head back slightly, and he’s so close. He’s so, so close. 

“I could be a murderer, too,” Kauri whispers, and Colton can’t stop the huff of laughter. Kauri’s eyes flash with defensiveness and the scrunch of confusion shifts to an attempt at an angry frown, but his hands stay wrapped in Colton’s shirt, and Colton doesn’t pull his hands back from his hair. “I could be a murderer!”

“No offense,” Colton says softly, “But killing someone is genuinely the second-most impossible thing I’ve ever tried to imagine you doing.”

“What’s the most impossible thing?” Kauri asks, and Colton keeps one hand in his hair, sliding around behind his head, while the other moves to take him by the chin, lifting his head just a little bit.

The wide blue eyes are on his, now, and they’re not frightened anymore.

“The most impossible thing I can imagine you doing is this,” Colton whispers, and leans down to kiss him. 

[thisartemisnevermisses]

Freefall 5/-

Pairing: Steve Rogers x Reader

Warning: angst, fluff, mild smutt, romance, adventure, reconciliation, cursing, anxiety.

Summary:

After the events of ‘Going Under’ you start a new life in Tokyo. Realizing those events changed you in more than one way. You’re not just the nice analyzer girl, you take life in your own hands again. Only to be pulled back into the rabbit whole.

After almost 2 years the Avengers call upon your help. Recapturing the one person that made your life a living hell. Going on a manhunt, or more likely woman hunt, with the one person you hoped to leave behind for good. Will things spark again between the two of you or are you as cold as ice?

A/N: Finally! The backstory is finished and we can sollemnly concentrate on Steve and You! Starting with this chapter! You two finally go on a mission and well lets say, things are heating up!

Chapter 05: Setsuzoku Suru / Connecting

The following days were full of preparations, meetings and arranging things. Tony, Owen, Callie and Lexi were occupied with the digital preparations, making sure your gear was up to date, connected and as invisible as possible.

Wanda and Peter where reading books so they could give you the important information before leaving. Sam and Bucky had whished the both of you good luck, before going on their own mission. Hoping they would find Thor or someone who could make contact with him.

Natasha had taken a plane to Austria, while Avery visited an old friend in Albuquerque. Everyone was occupied with preparing the first part of this mission, trying to think ahead so that every follow-up mission was prepared easily. The fact that all of you knew little to nothing about the Cintamani stone, Shangri-la or Sharon’s plan, made you nervous and on edge. Let alone the fact that false identities was not an option, because Steve was going with you. Going on a mission with Captain America made it impossible to pretend to be someone else.

A mission with Steve, your stomach turned, was it turning or butterflies? How would you cope with your feelings, could you keep them in check. Hopefully everything went as planned, hopefully you didn’t stand out to much seeing you’re with Captain America on a charity event, hopefully you weren’t pushed into some shitty compromised position. Realizing you’re pouring a lot of hope into this mission, makes you chuckle at your own ignorance. Thinking about the things that could happen, let alone the situations that could make things more awkward between the two of you, made your heart race. Continuing packing your bag, a single thought crossed your mind, a cliché when you were on mission, but what if you had to kiss him? What would you do? Could you keep it strictly professional or would you betray yourself? Guess you’d have to wing it, when it happened.

“Do you have everything? Did you check your coms? Have you checked your access to the cloud?” Lexi rambled, while pacing through the room. “Lexi…Lexi…LEXI..Could you shut it!”, you say loud, making the redhead jump and look angry at you. “You kept on rambling about things we’ve already checked trice”, you say looking at her, glaring back.

“Listen, we have everything we need. When we land in Morocco we’ll call grandma over there (you pointing towards Tony) to let her know we had a safe trip. From there, we have radio silence, until we are in the venue”, you explain the first steps of your mission again, seeing Lexi calm down a little.

“Lexi, listen I’ve done this so many times. Technically it’s an extract mission, go in, find the book and get out”, you shrug your shoulders. “Except, that this extract mission has an extra challenge, don’t forget Sharon”, Owen reminds you, putting the last things in your bag.

“Don’t worry Owen, we’re going to make sure, that she doesn’t get the book or see us”, Steve says calm, putting his bag in the quinjet. “You better make sure, she doesn’t get one of you two. And don’t, just don’t pick a fight with each other”, Owen warns, glaring at Steve. “Don’t make such a fuss, we won’t bite each other’s head off, at least until we have the book, okay”, you say playfully, getting an angry look from Owen. “Just make sure, nothing happens, okay?”, Owen ask you. “Can’t guaranty you that”, you smile, giving him a hug, walking in the quinjet, closing the tailgate. “I will keep an eye on her”, Steve reassures Owen, “That’s what I’m afraid off”, Owen replies walking away from the quinjet.

Once the quinjet is up in the air, you settle behind your desk. Looking over to Steve, who’s in the cockpit programming your destination. Ignoring your inner turmoil, you try to focus on your research on the guest list. Looking over names and searching the network for information about them. With every minute you get more aware of the fact that you two are alone. Trying not to let it affect you, but you can’t ignore the feelings stirring inside you. You’ve been apart for 2 years, tried to live your own lives, both of you are visible effected by those two years.

You trying to let the intern scars fade, him chastising himself for hurting you, not trusting you. Wondering if you were childish for hanging on to the pain, your eyes fall upon a name. “Steve, I got something”, watching the tall Avenger come closer, makes your heart beat fast, you were so fucking doomed.

“What is it y/n?”, he says, resting one of his hands on the desk, while the other leans on the back of your seat, making him hover above you. His face dangerously close, startling you when he speaks again, his breath tickling your ear. Snapping out of your trance, you try to compose and find the words in your head. “uuh,..look this name..I’ve seen that name before..”, you point at the screen, when Steve reads the name, his eyes widen. “It can’t be…”, he murmurs, “She’s dead, I’ve buried her”, he whispers to himself. Without hesitation, you lay a hand on his hand for comfort and search his face for an answer. “Steve, I’m right, aren’t I. Ruth Barton, it’s one of Peggy’s old aliases, right?”, watching his reaction, realization in his face turning into a frown, when he figures out it’s Sharon using Peggy’s alias. “She’s there, that’s Sharon”, he points towards the name on the screen, then looking at you.

You’re aware of the closeness of his face, his body, letting out a shacking breath. Glazing at his soft lips, before locking eyes with him, the silence is killing, just as the look Steve’s giving you. He inched closer, slowly closing the distance between you. Molding his soft lips against yours, letting a shaky breath escape his lips, when he breaks away from you. Searching your eyes for any sign, “Steve”, you try warning him, but fail miserably. Crashing his lips into yours with a searing and passionate kiss. When you open your mouth to say something, he feels bold and slips his tongue past your lips, moaning when he feels you melting into him.

Laying one hand in the nap of his neck, while the other fist his dirty blond hair. Desperation and longing in your kiss, wanting nothing more than to feel every inch of each other. Cupping the cheek of your ass, he peppers your neck with kisses. Making his beard tickle your sensitive skin, earning a giggle from you. “I’ve missed you”, he whispers before he captures your lips in another searing kiss. Your mind’s getting foggy from the lack of air or was it the sensation of Steve against you, you pull away.

Breathing heavy, you look silently at each other. Registering the messy hear, bruised lips and dilated eyes of Steve, you can imagine that’s the way you look to. When he hugs you tight, you feel his excitement against your leg, makes you snap out of that warm fuzzy feeling. It felt like the mission with Clint all over again, your mind starting to panic at the memories. Steve feels you stiffen up in his arms and looks at you, realizing what you’re thinking, he loosens his grip on you. “Y/N, I’m..”, he starts, seeing you looking angry at him, “Steve, DON’t..”, walking out of his grasp. “Don’t ever say you’re sorry again or I’ll snap your neck”, you warn him, seeing the hurt on his face, you ask yourself if you’ve went too far. “Look, it happened okay, that’s that. I’m going to go get some sleep, so I can take the nightshift”, you say before laying on the bed with your back towards the room. Its quit in the room for a little while, hearing your breath slow down, he steps towards you, covering you with a blanket.  

“I’m not sorry, I’m just glad it happened. If only you could except that my feelings are still real for you”, he whispers to your back, believing you’re already a sleep, he steps into the cockpit watching the sky, letting his mind wander. At the same time the words Steve spoke, keep repeating in your head. Touching your lips, you scold yourself. You shouldn’t let the things in the past effect you.  

You don’t know for how long Steve has let you sleep, but when you wake up the skies is dark. “You’re awake”, Steve’s voice is hoarse, he tries to stifle a yawn. Looking the tall Avenger over, you notice his tired eyes and ruffles hair. Did he try to sleep in the chair? Why didn’t he wake you up? Getting out of the bed, “For how long did I sleep?”, stretching your body. “Almost 4 hours, it’s 1 in the morning. We will arrive at 5 in Ait Rbaa, their awaiting us there”, Steve answers while rubbing his eyes, yawning again. “Come on soldier, you need some sleep”, patting the bed, “I will take the next shift, get some sleep. I will wake you when we land”, you smile, motioning Steve to come out of the chair. “Okay, okay, I get it. The old man needs to sleep”, he yawns again, laughing about it. Laying himself on the bed, your scent hits his nostrils instantly. It’s almost as if your lying next to him, within seconds he’s asleep.

For the time being you occupy yourself with reading more files, navigating to Ait Rbaa and listening to your own music. When Steve begins to turn in his sleep, you mute the music and hope he will continue sleeping. For a minute it seems to work, but he soon starts to toss and turn, murmuring in his sleep. When his murmuring turn in to shouts, you go to him trying to calm him. “Steve, sss, it’s okay, you’re here, it’s okay”, you caress his hair, hoping it will help. “sss, Steve, stop, it’s okay”, you look at him, the panic in his voice is visible on his face. How could you help him, get him out of his dream. You try to shake him awake, “Steve, wake up, your dreamING!”, you shout hoping to wake him. “Y/N, NO DON’T”, Steve yells, sitting up, searching for something, for you. Noticing you in front of him, he grabs hold of you, hugging you tight, “You’re here, you’re okay”, he whispers hoarse, his eyes still closed, “You’re here”.  

“Steve, I’m here, you’re okay”, you whisper, hugging him back, tightening your grip. Steve cups your cheeks with his hands, resting his forehead on yours, “I dreamed about us, you and I. It was nighttime and we stood on a cliff, one moment you were there, the other gone. I searched for you, I couldn’t find you. It was so dark, so so dark”, he breaths heavy, his eyelids still heavy from sleep. “Steve you need to sleep, I’m here, not going anywhere”, you reassure him, guiding him to lie down.

“I know, I’m not entitled to ask, but..please stay with me”, Steve asks, barely able to look you in the eye, “at least until I’m asleep”, he adds his across his cheeks a pink flush. Eyeing Steve for a moment, trying to figure out if he was messing with you, you decide to shut up your inner voice and give in to your heart. “Scoop over, Rogers, I need some space”, you tease him.

Laying with your back against his chest, he wraps his arms around you. His soft thank you, soon followed by an even breath and light snoring. You smile to yourself, a warm feeling spreading within you. “F.R.I.D.A.Y, wake up, Could you wake us when we arrive in Ait Rbaa or when somethings is happening?”, you ask the AI. “I will, Agent y/l/n”, F.R.I.D.A.Y answers, “Thank you, for that time being please go on autopilot”, you command closing your eyes and try to sleep some more. Subconsciously you curl into him and twist your leg with his own. Letting sleep take you over once more.

“Captain Rogers, Agent y/l/n, we arrive at Ait Rbaa in 20 minutes”, the AI announces waking the both of you. “Thanks”, you reply, rubbing your eyes, trying to stand up. “Just one more minute”, Steve’s sleepy voice asks, “Just one moment staying this way, before we, have to be us again”, he says clearing his throat. “Did you sleep well?”, you ask staring into the distance. “I had a dreamless sleep, thanks to you”, Steve answers, taking your hand, entwining his fingers with yours. “Glad to hear that”, you smile, turning slightly so you can look at him, ignoring the feeling in the pit of your stomach. “I’m going to freshen up”, moving so you can sit up with your back towards Steve, stretching your sore muscles.

Feeling courage taking over him, Steve’s sits behind you, one of his legs on each side of you. Laying a hand on your stomach, while his other keeps entwined with your hand. You feel your heartbeat rising, not knowing if you should give into were you were heading. You lean into his chest, trying to steady your breath. Feeling what this intimate gesture does to you, makes him bolt in his move. Tucking away the lose strains of hair, he kisses the nap of your neck. Feeling you taking in a sharp breath, makes him smile against your exposed flesh. Kissing his way up, towards your cheek, stopping at the corner of your mouth. Feeling him breathing irregular, he brushes his lips against yours, not being able to take the longing you close the distance between the two of you.

Capturing his lips in a kiss, soft, gentle and slow. Moving in sync, slowly, cautiously. Your body overtaken by eccentric panic and rising lust. His hand moving to you jaw, making you turn more towards him, deepening the kiss. Slightly opening your mouth, so he could explore it. Tasting his sweet and earthy taste in your mouth, enjoying every moment of it. His hand traveling from your stomach to your breast, cupping it gentle. His thumb grazing over your nipple, makes you lean in to him. Pressing your ass to his groin. Awakening the lust in both of you. Feeling yourself tremble under his touché, knowing with that you’re in too deep. Too deep, to let this go by and not talk about this if you would continue this. It would make it complicated, before this mission even started. Laying your hand on top of his, stopping him from going any further. You are angry with yourself, knowing what you’re going to do, could set you back in the relationship you’re building. Trying to control the fogginess in your mind, swallowing to ease your dry troath.  

Speaking his name, would ruin the moment, but you had to. “Steve..”, your voice barely above a whisper, “We need to….we need to stop”, you say swallowing hard. Snapping both of you out of the trance you’re in. Laying against his chest, you don’t dare to look at him, not wanting to see the emotions on his face. “We need to focus on the mission”, your chest still rising irregular. “I know..”, he sighs, hugging you once more, before removing himself from the position. Giving you a kiss on your forehead, “We need to talk about this, we can’t….”, Steve starts swallowing the rest of his words. His pupils are still dilated, as were yours if you had to guess. Looking eyes for a moment, you nod at the unspoken words. Walking towards the cockpit, trying to clear his mind before landing.

Staring into the distance for a moment, you try to clear your own mind. With this pace things were getting more complicated by the minute. If only you could focus on the mission and not on the longing for his hands to roam over every part of your body. Clearing your throat, hoping to gain your composure with it, failing miserable with it, you ask the AI to scan the area.  

After the AI signals the area clear, the quinjet is cleared for landing, using its reflectors for stealth. Once the quinjet is on the ground, you take your bag and head outside. Checking the stealth-modus from the quinjet one last time, you start your 20 minute walk. The walk is quiet, Steve and you exchange looks several times, but no one of you speak about the things happened in the quinjet. Breaking silence when you spot the house in the distance.

Checking your environment, before knocking on the door. Waiting for someone to open the door, you feel relieved when a manly figure is opening the door. 

“Hunter, good to see you. Sorry to interrupt your life’s as retired spies”, you smile at the English man, hugging him.

“Good to see you to, smalls”, he smiles back, letting you enter the house. “Bobbi’s in the back?” looking around for the tall blond, not getting a reply from the English man. 

“Hunter, I asked…really Hunter!? He’s just another person, come on Hunter, don’t go all Coulson on me!”, you exclaim seeing Hunter stare at Steve, making him feel awkward and somewhat shy. “oh, sosorry Captain, please do come in”, Hunter stammers. “Thank you, and it’s Steve, please call me Steve”, he replies before entering the house.

[anghraine]

“the jedi and the sith lord” - chapter three

Very belatedly, an update!

Last chapter:

“Why should I believe that?”

“Search your feelings,” said Vader, and through everything, the words fell into the same cadence as Obi-Wan’s, Yoda’s. Any Jedi’s, she guessed, and nearly shivered. Was he a Jedi, still? “The Force will tell you it is true.”

“The Force!” Lucy nearly screamed with laughter. “I don’t feel anything! You—you’ve cut me off from the Force, you’re—”

“You are a Skywalker,” Vader said sharply. “Nothing can block the Force from you.”

This chapter:

Tuvié’s hand returned to Lucy’s arm and she gently led her into the practice room, pointing out various raised platforms that could be remotely moved about the room, and a sealed equipment cabinet. Lucy paused in front of it, once again trying to reach out for the Force, sense anything that might be of use. But she felt not even the tiniest glimmer, and could nearly have screamed in fury.

Anger is a path to the Dark Side. Anger is a path to the Dark Side. Anger is a path to the Dark Side.

chapters: The Adventures of Lucy Skywalker– prologue, chapter one, chapter two, chapter three, chapter four, chapter five, chapter six, chapter seven, chapter eight, chapter nine, chapter ten; The Imperial Menace–chapter one, chapter two, chapter three, chapter four, chapter five, chapter six, chapter seven; The Jedi and the Sith Lord—chapter one, chapter two.

-

Lucy tried to meditate. She really did.

Everyone had told her that the Force would always be with her—Ben, Yoda, even Vader. But she couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t feel anything beyond a heavy miasma that pulsed in erratic, intense surges.

The Dark Side. She knew it. And she refused to touch that, no matter what Darth Vader said or did. She still remembered her failure in the cave, the future that awaited her on that path. She couldn’t ever allow herself to follow Vader’s footsteps.

Here, though, the Dark Side blotted out everything but its own power. No matter how much Lucy tried to clear her mind, and settle her racing thoughts into peace and passivity, the Force that she knew remained out of reach. It might as well have not existed, for all she felt of it.

She had no connection to the Force. She had no weapon. She couldn’t see. 

She was afraid.

Her rational mind knew that for the danger it was. Fear must be suppressed, sealed away into some deep pocket of her mind where it could do no harm. Otherwise, it would consume her thoughts and decisions, drawing her inexorably towards the Dark Side, whatever her intentions. Fear existed only to be conquered. She knew that.

Yet when she woke the next day, a blinded, disarmed, cut-off prisoner in Darth Vader’s fortress, she lay frozen in place under the blankets. Every instinct urged her to scramble for a place to hide, like some hunted animal.

Her own voice haunted her. I’m not afraid!

You will be, Yoda had told her. Had he known this was coming? Surely not. Surely—

There was no place to hide, she reminded herself. And whatever she might have lost, she hadn’t died. She had to keep going, just like yesterday. 

Lucy breathed deeply, as Yoda had taught her, letting that first burst of terror subside. She still felt frightened, her hands shaking until she forced them into stillness, but she could think. That was her only chance.

Sitting up, she strained to sense anything, even without the Force. The air felt cool on her skin, and a little stale. That made sense; it seemed doubtful that anyone had stayed here—been trapped here—at all recently. Unless Vader habitually kept prisoners in comfortable bedrooms, anyway. But she thought she caught a quiet sound now, something metallic, like a very low whirr.

“Tisix? Tuvié?” said Lucy, tossing the blankets aside. “Is that you?”

The whirr intensified. “Good morning, Miss Lucy! Are you prepared for activity?”

Lucy, immediately wary, said, “It depends on the activity.”

“Why, that is exactly what I think!” said Tuvié, moving a little further away. Something slid open on the opposite side of the room. “Hmm. Let’s not damage anything.”

Lucy wasn’t about to make promises on that front.

“Yes,” Tuvié went on, “I think this one will do nicely! If you’re careful, of course, but I’m sure you will be.”

What was she even going on about? Had Vader sent her to prepare Lucy for combat? Doomed combat, without a weapon or the Force—

Tuvié clattered back over. 

“Miss Lucy, raise your arms.”

Lucy hesitated, then obeyed, bracing herself for whatever might follow. With no further warning, Tuvié pulled Lucy’s nightdress up over her head and tossed it aside.

Lucy jerked away. “What the—”

“Please keep your arms up,” said Tuvié. “It’s the best way.”

For a second, Lucy stayed still, arms wrapped about herself and every nerve on alert. But her flesh shivered in the air, and she couldn’t see—ha!—a way out.

“Miss Lucy—”

“All right,” Lucy said, and lifted her arms again. 

Soft material fluttered over her skin as Tuvié lowered something over Lucy’s arms and let it drop down to her waist, then shook it out until the bottom rustled against the floor. Another dress? 

Irrepressibly, Lucy thought of Leia helping her dress after she’d blown up the Death Star. They’d gone through Leia’s finery together, looked at their reflections together, talked at times and fallen into comfortable silence at others. She’d never known anyone who understood her the way that Leia did. Anyone who cared the way Leia did, for all her sharp edges. Even Han—that was different, and all tangled up with Leia, anyway. Or it had been, before Lucy left them—but she’d had to! And now Han was all but dead, and Leia might be anywhere at all, assuming that Vader hadn’t lied about her escape. If he really hadn’t, then … then Lucy was glad, more than glad, to be separated from her. Glad Leia was somewhere safe. 

She just missed her.

“Here we go,” said Tuvié brightly, pulling one of Lucy’s arms down into a satiny sleeve, then following with the other. 

“Umph—” 

More material brushed the underside of Lucy’s chin. A high collar, tightening about her throat as Tuvié buttoned up the back of the dress. She took two gulping breaths of air that felt like they might be her last—but nothing happened, except that Tuvié made a satisfied click before pulling another article of clothing around Lucy’s shoulders and over her arms. A sort of pointed short robe. Lucy brushed a finger over the material of the robe, little beads jangling against her wrist with the motion of her hand. 

“Very nice, if I do say so myself,” said Tuvié. She sounded immensely pleased with herself.

“I guess this was Senator Amidala’s, too?” Lucy asked. She felt less like the Jedi prisoner of a Sith Lord and more like some sort of doll for Vader’s droid.

She’d often seen droids treated as glorified dolls; now it seemed the tables had turned.

“Oh, yes,” Tuvié said happily. “It all is. We couldn’t find anything else here—not anything appropriate for your size and, hm, situation. The colours used to be more vibrant, I think, but they’re still quite pleasing. It does show when one uses quality materials, doesn’t it?”

“I suppose so,” said Lucy, laying her palms against the thick skirts. They were stiff and slightly pleated. What would Aunt Beru think?

She had no idea. She didn’t know what Beru would think of almost anything she’d done, or Owen either. There was so much she hadn’t known about them, that she’d never know, thanks to the Empire. Vader might not have personally killed them, as he had her father, but—

“—I was constructed too recently to have ever seen her with my own optics,” Tuvié was saying, “but it seems quite typical for the senator. From all I have observed, she had very refined tastes. And she was small, like you, so you’re quite lucky!”

“Lucky,” said Lucy blankly.

She thought of her uncle and aunt’s bones, and Obi-Wan, and her visions of Han’s and Leia’s suffering, and that terrible moment of choice when she’d turned over her father’s lightsaber. But she also thought of Biggs, and how little this imprisonment resembled Leia’s on the Death Star, and of Alderaan and the dead she’d left behind on her way to Dagobah. 

“Imagine if you were tall for your species,” said Tuvié. “It would be a disaster! I’d wager my right arm that the Maker never thought of that.”

“I’m not going to take you up on that one,” Lucy told her. “What activity were you thinking about?”

“Oh! Well, you’re still recovering, of course, but I thought I might escort you around the castle. Even if you can’t see anything, I can describe it to you. Surely that would be more interesting than sitting here until Lord Vader returns?”

“He’s not here?” Lucy said, hardly daring to clutch at relief. “Really?”

“There was trouble with some foolish admirals,” said Tuvié. “He told us that he had to manage it personally. He was most displeased, if you ask me.”

“I bet he was,” said Lucy. “But wouldn’t he be even angrier if he found out you let me roam around his castle?”

Tuvié patted her shoulder with that oddly fleshy hand. “No indeed! I asked him myself, and he said you could go anywhere in the castle you liked, as long as I watch over you.”

This seemed extremely suspicious. “You’re sure?”

“Quite sure,” Tuvié said. “Most organics can be terribly duplicitous—no offense to you, Miss Lucy. But Lord Vader always means what he says. And there’s no danger here, I assure you.”

Lucy gave a strangled laugh. 

“But if there were,” added Tuvié, “I am more than capable of handling it. So you’ll be quite safe! Unless you’d rather stay here?”

Lucy hesitated another moment, then shook her head. “No. Let’s go, Tuvié.”

-

Tuvié had somehow dredged up a pair of soft shoes that fit Lucy exactly. She helped Lucy put them on, and with that, they headed out of Lucy’s personal prison, into the wider one. 

As Tuvié guided her about the castle, she described everything in a detail that Lucy might have appreciated, had she been able to listen more closely. But she was busy counting and memorizing steps from one room to another, trying to create a map in her mind. Tuvié didn’t seem to notice her distraction, even though Lucy’s preoccupation had her stumbling over her own feet more than once. 

At one point, she even fell down, scraping her palms on the stone floor and blushing with a mixture of embarrassment and frustration. Tuvié had released her arm to turn towards a training room of some kind, explaining its many features while Lucy tried to remember if she’d gone forty-three or forty-seven steps from the last room, and without the Force to guide her steps, some unevenness in the floor tripped her up.

“Am dkadha!” she said.

“Oh! Miss Lucy, I’m so sorry!” cried Tuvié, helping her to her feet.

“It’s not your fault,” Lucy told her wearily. “Let’s keep going.”

“Well—if you’re sure—”

Tuvié’s hand returned to Lucy’s arm and she gently led her into the practice room, pointing out various raised platforms that could be remotely moved about the room, and a sealed equipment cabinet. Lucy paused in front of it, once again trying to reach out for the Force, sense anything that might be of use. But she felt not even the tiniest glimmer, and could nearly have screamed in fury.

Anger is a path to the Dark Side. Anger is a path to the Dark Side. Anger is a path to the Dark Side.

“That word,” said Tuvié.

Lucy gave up. “What?”

“The one you said a few minutes ago, when you fell down.”

She wasn’t going to be embarrassed about swearing in front of Vader’s droid. Really, she shouldn’t even have been embarrassed about falling down in front of her. Tuvié just made it easy to forget that she was Vader’s droid. Still, Lucy felt her cheeks flush again.

“What about it?” Lucy said.

For several seconds, Tuvié fell uncharacteristically silent. Then she said,

“I’m not familiar with it.”

“You wouldn’t be,” said Lucy.

“I am familiar with over one hundred million forms of communication,” said Tuvié stiffly.

“I didn’t mean … of course you are,” Lucy hurried to say. “But I’ve never met a droid who knew my family’s language—”

It had struck her after the award ceremony at Massassi, when she wandered alone in the hills for a little while, that except out of her own mouth, she would never hear her ancestors’ language again. Shmi’s people had been slaughtered, and Shmi herself enslaved and tortured to death. She’d taught Alsaraic to Beru before she died, and Owen picked up some along the way, but the Empire had burned them both down to their bones. Beru faithfully taught it to Lucy in turn and Anakin knew it from the cradle he never had, but Darth Vader murdered him long ago.

Alsaraic was gone, and the Alsarai with it. At least, she thought so, until months later, when she muttered to herself in Alsaraic and Threepio responded in it, his accent better than hers. She’d nearly burst into tears. And now, Threepio was—he’d be all right. He had to be. Even Vader said he was.

“—except one,” she finished.

“They must have exceptional programming,” said Tuvié. 

Lucy actually found herself smiling, and didn’t know whether she should regret it. “Yes, rather.”

“Still, no one could be better than the Maker,” Tuvié said. “I don’t see why he didn’t program me with it.”

Lucy replied, “Threepio—my droid friend—is pretty old, I think. He must have been programmed by someone who knew Alsaraic back then, or had records, but Vader wouldn’t.”

“Why not?” said Tuvié.

“My people are dead,” Lucy said shortly. “It’s just me. Vader wouldn’t have access to it.”

“Hmm,” Tuvié said, sounding doubtful. “Perhaps not. But that means my knowledge banks are incomplete.”

Lucy squinted around the room. Was some of the darkness a shade lighter than the rest? She couldn’t be sure. 

“You will be here for some time, though!” Tuvié said more brightly. “Won’t you?”

Everything looked black again.

“I suppose so,” said Lucy.

“Then you could expand my knowledge!”

Lucy turned to stare in the direction of Tuvié’s voice. “Do you mean—you want me to teach you my family’s language?”

Absolutely not.

“It would be a great favour, I know,” said Tuvié. “But I would very much appreciate the addition to my banks.”

Lucy opened her mouth to say no. However much she feared the total eradication of Alsaraic, however much she’d miss being able to speak and hear it, it was not something to be shared with just anyone. Certainly not someone she could trust as little as a droid programmed by Darth Vader and loyal to him. Yet something kept her from absolute refusal.

“I’m not much of a teacher,” she said at last. “Well, which room is next?”

-

Normally, it would take more than a walk around a castle to tire Lucy out. Certainly, it would have on Dagobah. But her legs felt weak and rubbery by the time her stomach started growling. 

“Are you ill?” Tuvié cried.

“Yes,” said Lucy, “but mostly, I’m hungry.”

“Oh! Of course! Organics require refuelling as well,” she said. “I don’t know how I always forget these things. But the kitchen droids will be so pleased.”

Without further explanation, she tugged Lucy into a new room, one that felt vaguely more spacious than most of those they’d explored so far. The air, too, seemed different—fresher, though even colder. She could hear a low murmur of machinery.

“There you are!” said Tuvié.

Something made a metallic scraping sound. 

“I am,” Ellex replied. “What do you want? Is the girl causing problems?”

Lucy stiffened.

“Oh, no, no,” Tuvié rushed to say, “it’s only that she requires sustenance. Would you mind guarding her while I speak to the kitchen droids? I’m sure they’ll enjoy the chance to—”

“I have more important tasks than observing a small organic,” Ellex told her.

“I am quite sure that the Maker would disagree,” said Tuvié, as cheerfully as ever.

Apart from the quiet sounds of Ellex’s and Tuvié’s machinery, the room fell into total silence. Then Ellex said,

“Fine. Just be quick about it.”

Tuvié’s presence made Lucy feel absurdly weak and useless. Her absence was still worse. When her steps receded and a door slammed closed, Lucy felt her heart pound, her will alone keeping her legs and hands from trembling. Alone with a disgruntled super battle droid, she dared not move, just held herself as ready as she could for whatever might come. 

For several minutes, Ellex neither did nor said anything. Lucy briefly considered trying to say something to her, but after a moment’s thought, gave up on it. Then the droid remarked,

“For some reason, Lord Vader values your life.”

Lucy scowled. “I know.”

“Therefore,” Ellex went on, “you needn’t concern yourself with my ending it. I will only kill you if Lord Vader changes his mind.”

“That’s very reassuring,” said Lucy.

“Yes, I thought it would be,” Ellex replied.

Despite herself, Lucy did relax a little. She knew she couldn’t take Ellex on in her current state, so she thought she might as well accept the droid’s word that she intended no harm (yet). It was hard not to wonder, though, if she stood next to her eventual executioner, or if Vader would do the job himself, as he had with her father. Or perhaps she’d survive somehow, as a perpetual prisoner, or, in some miraculous scenario, an escapee. She didn’t quite let herself hope for the latter, but if the opportunity came—she’d be ready.

After a few minutes of silence, Tuvié returned, immediately scolding Ellex for not helping Lucy to a chair. Lucy didn’t bother attending to Ellex’s prickly response, instead trying not to welcome Tuvié’s light grip on her arm as she led her several feet away and guided her into a chair. Lucy reached out, her fingers brushing a wide, flat surface. A table, made of some glossily smooth material. Not metal, Lucy didn’t think.

She stretched further, but she couldn’t reach any of the other edges of the table; it must be large.

“Lord Vader hosts guests here,” Tuvié said helpfully. 

“I thought he didn’t have guests,” said Lucy.

“Well, not guests-guests—none of them stay for more than a few hours. Admirals and moffs and the like who have business with Lord Vader that he prefers to handle in private.”

Lucy paused, then asked, “Speaking of Vader, where is he? How long will he be away?”

“That’s no concern of yours,” said Ellex.

“It’s hardly a secret!” Tuvié returned. “You needn’t worry, Miss Lucy; he’s just dealing with some admirals who gave him trouble. Admiral Varti, I think, and … Jerrod? Something like that. He said it would only be a few hours, and that was three hours ago.”

Lucy took a deep breath. He’d be back any time now, then. 

“Jerjerrod,” Ellex said. “An incompetent waste of space, if you ask me. Lord Vader should lop off his head and be done with it.”

“How uncivilized,” said Tuvié. “Anyway, he’s a cousin to some grand moff or another. It’d be a disaster.”

Ellex gave a dismissive clank. “If that’s quite all—”

“Yes, I can manage perfectly well,” Tuvié told her.

With that, Ellex marched away. Lucy waited until the door slammed shut behind her, then took a steadying breath. It was impossible not to feel the strain in her muscles easing out with just Tuvié. 

I can’t trust her, Lucy reminded herself. I can’t trust any of them.

“Dreadful, isn’t she?” Tuvié remarked. “Very impressive, of course—but no manners at all!”

Lucy gave a short nod.

Tuvié chatted lightly for several more minutes. Then, the door slid open again, and what sounded like a veritable army of droids clattered in the room.

“F-2VA, you requested a luncheon for this human?” one of them said in a deep, resonant sort of voice. “We have prepared a feast!”

“A what?” said Lucy.

“She’s not human,” Tuvié said, “but—”

This drew even more of Lucy’s attention. “What? Of course I’m a human!”

“Your genetic code is hardly distinguishable, to be sure,” Tuvié said soothingly. “That looks most satisfactory, Arren.”

The droid, or another one, gave a loud whirr. A loud clamour of metallic footsteps drew nearer—Lucy instinctively braced herself for danger—and then something clinked on the table before her. The clink was joined by several others: four, five, six. Before Lucy could respond, someone reached past her, and suddenly, a combination of savoury smells wafted to her nose. She was, she realized, ravenous.

“I—”

“This should sustain you, humanoid,” boomed Arren. “We hope you enjoy it.”

“I’m sure I will,” Lucy said automatically. Her stomach gave a loud growl. “Uh, thank you?”

“It—was—our—pleasure. We do not often have the opportunity to exercise our abilities.”

“Right,” said Lucy. 

She reached out cautiously, her fingers touching the edge of a plate. It was only then that she reached a horrifying realization: she didn’t know how to eat without her eyesight. Were there even utensils?

As she fumbled cautiously, Tuvié’s familiar grasp took hold of her wrist, and directed her slightly to the side, where Lucy could feel a fork. She awkwardly took it in hand.

She’d have rather figured it out alone, or at least with only Tuvié. The cooking droids seemed to be waiting for her judgment, however, so—guided by Tuvié—she managed to break off a small piece of whatever was on the plate in front of her and stab it. Cautiously, she lifted it to her lips and took a bite.

A rich, lightly spiced flavour filled her mouth. It was some sort of meat, but the most delicious meat she’d ever had, and so soft that it all but melted on her tongue. Lucy closed her eyes. 

“Is it satisfactory?” Arren asked.

Lucy swallowed. “Uh—yeah. More than satisfactory.”

“Very well. We will now depart, having excelled at our function!”

“Goodbye,” said Lucy weakly.

Once the cooking droids left, Lucy scooted closer to the table, irrationally anxious about spoiling a dead woman’s dress, then abandoned nearly all restraint. She ate through three dishes of combined meat, vegetables, and bread, all cooked as perfectly as the first, slowing just enough to avoid indigestion, and stopping just short of making herself sick.

Lucy set down the fork.

“Do you feel better?” Tuvié asked, sounding more than usually solicitous. “There’s more if you need it.”

“I think I’ll explode if I eat anything more,” said Lucy.

“Oh! Lord Vader would be most displeased,” Tuvié replied. Lucy wasn’t sure if she was joking or not. “We’ll leave the rest to be preserved for dinner.”

Vader would certainly have returned by then. Lucy’s brief sense of well-being fled, though she did her best to avoid betraying it to Tuvié. As they walked out of the dining hall, she asked,

“Why did you say I’m not human?”

“Tisix analyzed your genetic code,” said Tuvié. “It falls slightly out of the parameters of variability among humans. Very slightly, to be sure.”

That’s impossible, Lucy almost said. But she supposed she really didn’t know anything about her mother. For all Lucy knew, she could have been a member of some compatible species rather than purely human. The idea had never crossed her mind, however, and unsettled her in some odd way.

“My mother was nonhuman?” she said, more to herself than the droid.

“I wouldn’t think so,” said Tuvié. “Well, where to next?”

“I’d like to rest,” Lucy said firmly. Maybe, despite all evidence to the contrary, she’d be able to touch the Force now.

Tuvié took her back to the bedchamber, and for a good hour, Lucy sat cross-legged on the bed, trying to meditate under Tuvié’s eye. If she had eyes. As soon as Lucy attempted to reach out to the Force, she felt the Dark Side’s suffocating embrace. She inhaled, tamping down her frustration and fears, but only the miasma rippled about her.

Until—something glimmered on the furthest edges of her awareness. Just for a moment, a flicker of peace touching her before slipping beyond her senses, but it was something. She hardly dared hope that it was the Light Side, and tried again. Now, she felt nothing. But when she finally managed to sink into a steady calm, she felt the flicker again before it slid entirely away. 

Lucy opened her eyes, feeling as exhausted as she had after Yoda sent her racing through the swamp and all its obstacles. 

“You’re perspiring,” said Tuvié, sounding puzzled. “But you didn’t do anything, and the temperature is normative. Is it the carbon-sickness?”

“No,” Lucy said, offering no further explanation. She doubted Tuvié would understand even if she did feel like betraying her efforts. “I just need some sleep. Will you be watching me?”

“Of course,” Tuvié replied. “Nothing will happen to you under my guard!”

Lucy sighed. But despite the creepiness of trying to sleep under the observation of one of Vader’s droids, she was tired enough, and Tuvié inoffensive enough, that she soon drifted off.

In her dreams, Lucy could see. She blinked, refusing to cry, and peered around. Nothing seemed familiar. She stood in a desert city, not on on Tatooine—at least, not one she recognized, and when she craned her head back, she saw only one sun. She seemed to be in a major market of some kind, people bustling all around, some of them jostling her as they moved from stall to stall, weighing fruit and examining glass ornaments. It struck her as cleaner than any of the towns she knew on Tatooine, in a way she couldn’t quite pin down. There was a power in this place, slippery but unmistakable; the Force was strong here. 

Lucy shivered and glanced down. She was wearing a dress passed down from Beru, a thin brown one meant for Tatooine’s scalding daytime hours. But this place was cold. 

Something, she couldn’t have said what, drove her onwards. As she walked, she reached out to the Force, letting herself drift with its eddies until it suffused her. She felt welcomed, and yet grieved—an odd sense of loss. 

As she made her way through the crowds, they seemed to shift in and out of her sight. Not because of her eyesight itself, but because—because—

It’s not real, she thought. 

Then her eyes fell on a man, dark-robed and slightly turned away. He seemed real. And he seemed to be looking around, looking for something, and yet—not. 

She didn’t understand. Lucy repressed a burst of aggravation at it all, the Force drifting from her.

No. Don’t leave. Please, don’t leave me. 

The man tilted his head. Lucy moved forward, just able to make out a bit of red among the layers of his robe, and—

Darkness fell. 

Lucy opened her eyes, to nothing. The man was gone, the Force, every bit of colour and comfort. Then she felt hands on her shoulders, shaking her.

“Miss Lucy? Miss Lucy!”

“Tuvié?” she asked groggily. “What is it?”

“I’m so sorry to wake you,” said Tuvié. “But it’s Lord Vader. He wants to see you.” She paused. “Now.”

[blurhawaii]

Yuletide 2019

dear yuletide writer,

hello and happy yuletide! this is my fifth year taking part and my longest letter yet so i’m just going to jump right in. the suggestions are guidelines. if you’ve got a great idea, go for it. i only ask that you steer clear of my dislikes.

feel free to go through my tumblr for each of these fandoms. i should have tags for them, tho your mileage may vary. i might even have more stuff on my side blog: here. likes:

dysfunctional relationships eg. codependency, messed up father/son dynamics, enemies to lovers, power imbalances.

found family

big loyalty kink. love it when trust is earned and kept.

praise kink

vulnerability in men

open and honest communication between partners

i love ot3s. it’s the journey of them getting together and making it work that interests me the most. or how an established pair goes about bringing in a third person.

stories set in canon. or a divergence of canon.

dark/bleak fics. don’t be afraid to drag characters through the mud. happy endings are welcome but i like the struggle.

i’m fine with anything from gen to porn but would be happiest with something in the middle. i love first times.

canon typical violence is fine and to be expected from some of my choices of fandoms.

detective stories/film noir

magical realism/cosmic horror. weird hints of it in an otherwise normal universe

redemption arcs

characters and relationships are more important than plot for me

dislikes:

AUs that are completely disconnected from canon e.g. coffee shop AUs.

established relationships

crossovers

genderbending

feminisation of male characters

fics that are entirely fluff

A/B/O fics

PWP

mpreg 

scat/watersports

first person fics (i have no problem with second person fics tho if you think that could work. they really wow me when done well.)

The Departed (2006) *Billy Costigan             *Sean Dignam

one of my favourite films ever. i request it every year so you can't really go wrong with this as i am thirsty for anything. most of my love is for dignam and his tough love attitude towards his job and the undercovers he's responsible for. it's obvious he cares, i don't think you could do a job like that and not care, but those rare and few moments when he softens around billy --we need you, pal-- that's what i would like to see more of. i have written a couple of departed fics myself, centred around costigan/dignam, but in all honesty, i would be happy with anything involving them both. shipping is preferred but whatever you are comfortable with is fine. due to the nature of the film, i am perfectly comfortable with violence and the screwed up relationship they are bound to have. the friction born of the situation vs the fact that they need each other to get through this is what i am all about.

codependency, power imbalances and enemies to lovers tropes are abound here.

fics where billy lives are my usual go-to. the survivability of being shot in the head, that kind of stuff can be hand waved away in fic, and i'd love something that explores the angst of billy's ‘where the hell were you when i needed you’ reaction towards dignam following that ending.

or a canon divergence fic with their totally antagonistic relationship being front and centre. i just ask that there be an underlying level of affection, no matter how buried. when billy is undercover, there’s a special kind of relationship that comes with dignam and queenan being the only people he can talk to.

something i’ve never seen for this but would actually love: a time loop/groundhog day fic

Jurassic Park Original Trilogy (Movies)

*Sarah Harding                  *Ian Malcolm                  *Nick Van Owen

i originally wasn’t going to ask for this again this year (i was lucky enough to get treated with a fic a couple of years ago) but then someone other than myself nominated nick van owen which surprised and delighted me and i figured why the hell not.

my passion here is the ot3 potential. i view these three in the same way i view the trio in the first film, meaning i see them as three people who have bonded over a traumatic experience and come out of it forever linked in some way. they spend the entire film looking out for each other and keeping each other safe, and they all separately take care of ian’s daughter at one point and i am fascinated by this and how that could continue in the future. (in fact, i love stories where adults treat kids like adults, not talking down to them–see any shane black film.) i’m looking for an actual relationship between them but would be happy with anything that showcased a connection with every side of this triangle.

anything post-film with them dealing or not dealing with what happened would be amazing. there are quite a few fics based around this idea for the first film’s trio, i’d love to see something like that for these three. (i’ve always been kind of bitter about the way nick just disappears for the last act but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ that’s what fics are for, i guess.)

i don’t like the jurassic world films but i’m fine with fics that take that future into account. a lot of the trauma for these characters comes from the idea that the parks still exist and continue to fuck people up.

Godless (TV 2017)

*Roy Goode                 *Bill McNue                 *Alice Fletcher

i’m a massive fan of westerns. the harsh way of life, the violence, the isolation, drawn out revenge plots, the murkiness of good vs evil or sheriff vs anti-hero, the importance of honour and heroism and how that differs for men and women, especially in this universe with its town full of widows. having said all that, i’m still very much a sucker for cool cowboys in a shallow female way.

as you’ve probably already gathered my favourite thing is turning every love triangle into an ot3. so i’d love a fic post canon where roy comes back after realising found family is just as important as real family despite frank’s influence. i imagine bill would try to do the gentlemanly/self depreciating thing of bowing out and letting roy and alice be together but i’d love for alice to actually get a say in this where she wasn’t allowed in the show. however you jigsaw them together my main thing is that bill doesn’t get left out.

i feel the roy/bill aspect in particular could be explored a lot more. i love that they don’t hate each on sight. they learn mutual respect and then smoothly move around each other during the gunfight at the end. (bill’s deteriorating eyesight side plot also fascinates me, how it goes with his loss of purpose -”losing his shadow”- and comes back when teaming up with roy to defend the town. maybe there’s a fic possibility where it flares up again due to his insecurity of roy coming between him and alice. either way, the hints of magical realism here and with frank’s repeated insistence that he’s seen his death and this ain’t it are great and i wouldn’t mind seeing more of that.)

the usual ideas of western masculinity get all twisted around when roy and bill are in the presence of alice and they both seem kind of subby towards her, which yes please. the way alice kisses the scar she gave roy and the fact that he simply lets her is *chef kiss* because i also love the parallel that bill got shot in the hip trying to get revenge for alice. they all have scars that tie them together.

i’m actually very okay with letting them be soft with each other after all of their tragedy.

honest communication between partners could work wonders here.

Barry (TV 2018)

*Barry Berkman                     *Monroe Fuches

i expected to like this show. dark comedy, depressed hitman, henry winkler, it’s a perfect combination of things. i didn’t expect to get obsessed with barry’s obvious fucked up father-figure hangups. but hey ho, i was pleasantly surprised.

pretty much every one of barry’s relationships in this show has an element of fucked-upness but the barry/fuches one is by far the worst. it’s codependent, it’s manipulative, it’s a little abusive, the power is constantly flip-flopping and most importantly there’s the father/son dynamic that could so easily tip over into something sexual. it’s everything i love. any time fuches calls barry “his boy” it kills me. and i am fascinated by the way barry can go from needy and touch starved to a rampaging killer hunting fuches down by the end and still have that dynamic going strong.

the parallels between them and the barry/gene cousineau relationship, which is fucked up too just in a very different way, are great. love the jealousy it brings and i would even be into a fic set post the season 2 ending, if you could find a way to swing that. though, while i like a little darkness, i would still rather see them fall back into old unhealthy habits than kill each other.

any kind of prequel fic would be amazing too.

and just to be clear i’m more than okay with a sexual relationship between these two but if you don’t want to write it that’s fine. I’d just like all the other aspects of their shitty relationship delved into.

L.A. Confidential (1997)

*Bud White                         *Ed Exley

pretty much all of my bullet pointed likes come into play here. i’ve nominated two characters but i’d be happy with almost any combination of the characters available in the tagset as long as exley is involved in some way.

ships i like: bud/exley,  exley/vincennes,  bud/exley/lynn

but if we matched purely on both bud and exley then:

i love the opposites attract partnership bud and exley have and i like that they both seem angry at their attraction to each other. hate-sex with reluctant feelings? always good. i'd love anything that deals with their perceived difference in intellect and/or education. bud being turned-on by exley's smarts, exley realizing how much he's underestimated bud, them being mutually impressed by each other.

if you choose to go down the ot3 route then:

i love fics where exley shows up in arizona and they fall into weird domesticity. i love seeing how three people--especially three people who aren't used to the idea of poly relationships--work their way towards realizing and accepting what they want.

and while i’m not sure what you could do with this knowledge, i’d just like to add that i’ve read the book and i’m somewhat obsessed with the existence of dream-a-dreamland in general. if you could incorporate that in any way i’d be hugely impressed.

POKEMON Detective Pikachu (2019)

*Harry Goodman                        *Hide Yoshida

this is totally a last minute request that i’ve edited in but is by no means less wanted than the others. i watched this film back when it came out and was honestly surprised by how much i enjoyed it. i’m a massive pokemon fan and have been since i got my pokemon red when i was seven years old and, let me tell you, getting to see all those growlithes waddling about the real world was like a childhood dream come true.

i had a good time and i moved on.

a few days ago i stumbled on a piece of art : here : and it was like the little goblin that is my brain just sat up straight. the very concept of these characters together had never crossed my mind before that but then suddenly the desire for this just casually strolled through my entire headspace, turning on every light as it went.

i love detective stories, i love cop partnerships, i love hot single dads who happen to be cops with cute little pokemon cop partners. i love that harry is kind of a shitty father but he’s now trying his best. i love that hide had nothing but praise and respect for harry when he meets with tim and that he knew things like tim wanting to be a pokemon trainer when he was younger (meaning he and harry had talked about stuff like this.) i love that hide inexplicably has a spare key to harry’s apartment in his desk drawer. i love how absolutely certain hide was in saying harry loved his son more than anything in the world.

there’s history there is what i’m saying, and i’d love to know more about it.

anything set pre-film would be cool. loose cannon harry throwing his whole being into his job to deal with the loss of his wife and his fractured relationship with his son. hide the tired lieutenant trying to rein him in, quietly talking about tim together, keeping him grounded and safe. all up until he can’t, that is. (great angst potential with hide genuinely believing harry is dead.)

anything set post-film would be even better. harry struggling to find balance between being a father and a cop. probably doing a shitty job at it in the beginning. hide trying to help. would love for tim to be an actual presence (outsider POV could be amazing here.)

may sound strange but my favourite thing that used to happen in digimon a lot is when characters would interact with each other digimon partner. i would be massively into a fic about the two of them growing closer through each other’s pokemon partner.

thank you writer and best of luck.