#can’t get Home By Now by MUNA out of my head but it’s just the part that goes

[cinnamonphile]

“october, when the light is sweet and heavy”

[gingerjolover]

Don't Let Go - Katie Gavin x fem!reader (MUNA)

Sypnosis: Katie teaches their sweet (and scared) gf how to rollerbade!

G's notes: i am so sorry i can't find the request but if you requested this i hope you like it <3

WC: somewhere around 800 words (short king)

Warnings: RPF, tooth-rotting fluff, cheesy silk chiffon reference, kissin'

You’re gonna break your face; you just know it. And then your pretty partner will have to scrape you off the concrete. Suddenly, the rollerblades in your hands feel heavier than ever, and you wish nothing more than to leave this empty parking lot. Actually, you’d do almost anything to go back to practicing on the rug in your makeshift office in your and your partner’s home rather than the blazing hot asphalt under the California sun. 

“You can put them down, you know?” Katie giggles, kneeling before you, taking the rollerblades from your hand, and placing them in the open trunk. Katie kneels back down, kissing your knee sweetly before sliding the kneepads up your legs.

“Katie, I look…stupid,” you whine softly, they giggle loudly, throw ing their head back. “No, you don’t, baby… besides, you wanted to wear the–” they start to speak before you cut them off, “Because I’m going to hit the concrete and skin my knees and elbows an–and knock out all of my teeth and–” you stammer, nerves rising in your body. 

“Woah woah, hey…baby…we don’t have to do this today if you don’t want…or ever,” Katie says softly, empathy and compassion in their eyes. Your eyes find Katie's, finding humor in them as the love of your life tries to talk you down. “Don’t laugh!”

“I wasn't laughing,” Katie says with a snort. 

Your pout is immediate; Katie stands up and pulls you into their chest as you sit on the edge of the trunk. Katie kisses your hair, smooching your head and face, “You don’t have to do this for me, you know?” is mumbled against your hair. 

“I want to do this, I do, I wanna be able to go on rides with you and dance around, I’m just–” you huff out. 

“Okay, take a deep breath, and let’s get the skates on, and then we can work on it slowly, okay?” Katie says softly, a humorous smirk on their face, kneeling back down to help work the blades on your feet, tightening the laces.

Katie helps pull you up, their hands locked in yours as you stand. Your sweet partner places a helmet on your head and clicks it together under your chin, grinning as they kiss your nose. “Don’t even,” you grumble, noticing Katie is enjoying this too much. “You’re so cute, I can’t help it; look at my baby,” Katie laughs, squeezing your hips.

Pulling you gently, Katie holds your hands tightly, steadying you. “Remember what I taught you, bend your knees slightly, lean forward a little…” they say encouragingly, watching your body get into position. “Okay, good girl, now just take steps…like you’re walking,” Katie says, a proud look in their eyes. 

You’re wobbly, so anxious about falling, but you do as Katie says, putting your complete trust in your partner. “Life is so fun,” you grit, making Katie let out a belly laugh.

“Soon enough, you’ll be in a mini skirt, and you'll be a pro, sweet girl,” the words come out between laughs, but they are encouraging. 

“Ready to add a longer stride to your walking?” Katie murmurs, watching you focus. “I can’t just do this?” you ask, almost pleading. 

“I mean, you can. You just look like Bambi,” Katie laughs.

“Bambi?!”

“You’re all wobbly; you’re not meant to walk in these forever, my love,” Katie responds, sassy but supportive.

“Ughhh, fine…how do I–um?” 

“Okay, so, push off with this back leg here—” Katie instructs, pulling their hand out of yours, tapping your thigh before you squeal. “Don’t let go!” in a panicked tone, Katie quickly grabbed your hand again. 

“You’re okay… I got you,” Katie murmurs, seeing your obvious panic. “Just use that leg and push off a little, try to glide between steps, increase your stride but not too fast.”

Listening diligently, as they say, you increase the time between steps and gliding on the skates. After a few minutes, you look up at your partner, smiling widely as they hold your hands and glide backward in front of you. 

“Good job, baby; you remember how to stop?” Katie asks, smiling. 

You give a slight smirk before pushing your toe forward so the nose of the skate stops you on the ground. 

“Good girl,” Katie cheers, kissing your cheek, your face instantly flushing. 

You spend the next hour gliding and skating around, Katie teaching you how to make turns on the pavement. 

When you’re finally back in the car, Katie leans over and kisses you gently, “I’m proud of you, my love,” they say softly. 

“Thank you for teaching me, honey,” you say, kissing her again. “Can we come again tomorrow?” you ask; the prospect of skating with your partner makes you giddy. 

Katie laughs loudly, holding your thigh as they blast the AC, “Of course, babe,” before kissing you again and driving you home.

[nolita-fairytale]

It's August rn - month of shooting stars so I was thinking maybe you could write something with the idea of stargazing together with Carm or Luca or Marcus?

It's just a blank idea, I love your work, so it's up to you how far you'll go (fluff, etc.)

Much love ❤️.

my dearest, @myworldrightnow! thank you for requesting this. i had so much fun writing for marcus for the very first time. please enjoy this blurb, based off of muna's "shooting star":

You, My Shooting Star (marcus brooks x reader)

“when I see a shooting star, I stay out of its path”

You were wild. 

Hurricane. Firecracker. Dynamite, they called you. 

The first one with a wild idea. The last one to shut down the party.

But you feel the wildest right here, by his side, wondering how you got lucky enough to get him alone. 

It had started with a house party, and maybe a few too many vodka sodas before you realized you should probably step out for some air. He followed you, just wanted to make sure you were alright.

“Yeah, just need a little air. I’ll take a car home, don’t worry,” you’d answered, in the empty bedroom you’d made your temporary home. “C’mon. Do you trust me?” you’d asked him, before climbing out onto the fire escape. 

He’d joined you, against his better judgment, but now, as the two sip on waters he brought out for you, watching flashes of light race across the night sky, he’s glad he said, ‘yes.’ 

“Did you know that August is the month of shooting stars?” he asks, turning his head to steal a glance your way. 

“No, I didn’t,” you answer softly, taking another drink of your water, your eyes fixed to the beams of light. 

They’re wild, explosive, unpredictable, and you can’t help but feel excited by them, unsure of when, and if, the next one will come. 

“This one uh… think it’s called The Perseid – the meteor shower this year,” he continues, as you watch him dreamily search the sky for one more brilliant flash of light. 

“Didn’t know you were such an astronomy buff,” you shoot back, teasingly, though you think this has only buried you deeper into your infatuation with the pastry chef. 

“My mom and I used to watch ‘em together. When I was a kid. We’d go out to whatever football field my recreational league used to practice on with a blanket and see if we could catch the show,” Marcus explains, recalling his fond childhood memories. “I always looked forward to it… because she’d bring like… you know fruit by the foot or somethin’ like that.”

You nod along as you listen, having grown so fond of Marcus’ stories. You like this, when he shares with you, especially because you know he doesn’t always have someone to tell. 

And you like being the person who gets to listen to him.

It’s now or never, you think to yourself. 

“Marcus?” you ask him, something bold in your movement as you turn your body just enough to look at him with glossy eyes. 

Tomorrow, you’ll chalk it up to liquid courage if this goes absolutely sideways. 

“What’s up?” he asks you, suddenly shy with the way you’re looking at him. 

“I-,” you begin, opening your mouth to say something, as if you just expect the words to flow, and when they don’t, you try again. “The other night. After work. I… asked you to go for a drink. And you said ‘no’.” 

Marcus sighs, leaning back as he rests his weight on the palms of his hands. 

“Yeah.” 

“Why?”

He pauses, waits, searches for a good enough explanation, only to discover that he doesn’t have one. 

“I kind of thought… well, I thought that you were into Carmy,” he admits on an exhale. 

Because he’s seen you flirt with him before. Because why wouldn’t you be? Because he can only imagine that someone as magnetic as you – it’s why you’re such an excellent bartender – could have anyone. Because he’s seen the way that you have patrons of The Bear in the palm of your hands in the blink of an eye.

“and that's what you are, you're so bright, you burn my eyes, and you move too fast”

“What?” you ask him, unable to hide your surprise, or the laugh that comes out of your mouth. 

“No I-. I flirt with Carmy… because the guy looks like he needs to take a breath. But um. No.” The smallest smile threatens the corners of your lips as you continue with, “No uh… I sort of… have a crush. On someone else.” 

“Oh yeah?” he asks you, playfully. 

“Yeah,” you answer, sharing a knowing look with Marcus.

“He’s a fantastic pastry chef. You should meet him sometime,” you tease with a shrug. 

“You play too much,” Marcus laughs, with a playful eye roll. 

The shared laugh between the two of you subsides, and all that’s left is a thick kind of tension that hangs in the air. It’s a lean forward. Eyes flickering from lips as if asking for permission. A shift closer to one another. 

“Look,” Marcus says, as another brilliant beam of light flashes across the sky. 

Turning your attention to the tail end of the shooting star for just a moment, your eyes are back on Marcus, and… whatever this thing is between the two of you. 

“Make a wish,” he murmurs, his lips so close to yours, as if he might not get another chance at this. 

“Yeah,” you whisper back. 

But you don’t need to make a wish. You take a breath, as if trying to collect all of the courage you think you can muster, before deciding to make your own move, crashing your lips into his instead. 

“you, my shooting star”

[ratedfleur]

i need more dirty talk w hao & ganda.. tagalog dirty talk is just something else 😵‍💫 hao and ganda getting home from pogi’s game all angry n stuff bc another athlete from the rival team hit on her, tapos alam mo naman si hao! syempre di nya yan palalagpasin. him degrading her all while rough fucking her with HIS jersey on.. basta dirty talk & degrading w hao! fic sana hehe

had been nearly an hour since you and hao got home after his game sa moa arena, as usual, some nobody from the rival’s team was hitting on you so hao was on the angrier side more than usual despite winning the game.

he had you underneath him, stomach lying flat on the bed as he pounded away, taking his anger out on you when he remembered how kupal the guy was kasi nga naman he was blatantly flirting with you even is kilala kayo ni hao as thee campus couple.

“i just fucking hate it when people do that, i hate it when people look at what’s mine. akin ka lang dapat, akin lang.” hao muttered while punctuating each period with a hard thrust, making you whimper as you held onto his arm that was slightly squeezing your neck.

“i-i’m yours, baby. sa’yo lang— god, ang sarap aahh!” you moaned before hao licked your earlobe, “sarap no? sakin ka lang makakatikim ng ganiyan, wala kang mapapala sa nagkakanda-rapa sa harap mo.” hao smiled when you cried out, nails digging into his skin before he quickened up the pace, making you moan out loud.

“oh my god, yes baby.. ikaw lang! ah fuck, baby harder please!” you moaned out once more, making hao slightly get up, pulling you up with him as he got you on your fours, making it easier to fuck and pull you off of him at the same time.

he has his hands digging right into your skin, because of how tight he was holding you, alam mong magpapantal yan right after.

hao’s thrusts were ruthless, ears blocking out your begging and cries to slow down. his energy burned with eagerness and fury, taking it all out on your sweet cunt.

you on the other hand were tired, you wanted hao to make you and himself cum, spurting ropes of cum to ease his anger. but it’s not that easy, kailangan papaiyakin ka muna.

“cumming already, my love? intay ka muna, hmm? can’t let you cum without me eh ako nagttrabaho dito. not unless gusto mo yung puta ka nalang?” hao chuckled as he fucked you, watching your ass bounce against his pelvis as he moved you back and forth against him as he thrusted into you.

you didn’t reply, how could you even reply when hao’s thrusts became even faster, fucking you in a animalistic pace.

“aw baby, putang puta ka na agad.” he cooed as he kept thrusting, now listening to your cries and sniffles as you shakily held yourself up, wanting to be his good girl.

he slightly bends down, one hand reaching down towards your core, index and pinky finger spreading your puffy lips before the middle and ring finger made contact with your clit, rubbing it harshly while simultaneously thrusting into you.

your cries become even louder, begging to make or even let you cum because you’re at the verge of doing so.

hao shakes his head even if he knew you can’t see him, still mindlessly rubbing and thrusting into you. his pace never slowed down even if you screamed that you were cumming, he went on and on with his thrusts, fucking you through your orgasm.

[frostbeees]

like she wants to try me on

2023 wrappedmas day two • song: silk chiffon by MUNA, Phoebe Bridgers

ao3 · masterpost

Seamus always assumed she’d have to get over Gavin. Over her not-so-little crush on her best friend. She figured Gavin would eventually find some other girl or guy to bring home and she’d be left behind, still holding her feelings inside because no way in hell was she ever going to admit them to Gavin. She’d rather die, honestly. Gavin had never shown anything but friendly feelings towards her, even if they were both on the touchy, handsy, cuddle up together, hug longer than necessary, and occasionally swap drunken kisses type of friends. That's just how friends are, in her opinion, even if Gavin is the only friend she's like that with.

What Seamus didn’t assume is that one sweltering summer evening she’d be UNDER Gavin, hands buried in the soft, tight curls on top of Gavin’s head while Gavin’s mouth was–

But how they got to this point is a different story. 

~~~

They had been out basically just killing time in town all day, rollerblading up and down familiar palm-tree-lined streets and repeatedly having near accidents with tourists who couldn’t keep their eyes forward. The day was hot and humid, a typical mid-July Florida weekday and they had just ducked inside a corner store to avoid the daily rain shower, flipflops making obnoxious sounds against the shiny tile as they roamed the aisles with their skates under their arms.

Seamus was happy to just follow Gavin around for the day. It wasn’t like they had anything better to do. But Gavin turned on her halfway down the aisle of dog toys and treats, beach equipment, marked-down Fourth of July garb, and baby formula.

“Hey,” Gavin flashed her sharkiest smile and Seamus just knew she meant trouble with it. “How much do you trust me?”

And that’s the question, isn’t it? Seamus trusts Gavin with her whole heart, to hold it, to break it, to set it free. She trusts her enough to follow her from their youth field hockey league to a travel league to the high school team to Ann Arbor where they’ve both committed to play in the fall. She’s trusted Gavin since they were four years old and she knew what it meant. 

“With my life,” Seamus shoots back, matching Gavin’s energy. 

Gavin holds out her hand and Seamus takes it without a thought, letting Gavin tug her down the aisle and back out the door into the rain. They make quick work of switching back from their sandals to their blades and then they’re off, Gavin’s fingers intertwined with her own as she pulls Seamus with her. 

Seamus has an inkling of an idea of where Gavin is leading them. There was this baseball park that they used to frequent as kids that now sits unused and basically abandoned. It’s where a lot of their friends would go after dark to smoke and drink and just exist away from the eyes of watchful parents. It’s where Seamus first realized that maybe she liked Gavin as more than a friend, when, at fourteen, she watched Gavin kiss one of their girl friends during a game of spin the bottle and felt intense jealousy bubble up inside her.

Sure enough, Gavin turns down the street just past the diner that leads back to the park. They’re drenched at this point, despite the rain being light, and when they reach the dirt paths that connect the road to the ballparks and outbuildings they both abandon their blades and trudge barefoot through the soaked grass. Gavin leads them towards one of the dugouts so they’re mostly sheltered from the rain and they sit in silence for a few minutes as they catch their breath. 

Seamus can’t help but start thinking about how this is probably the last time they’ll get to do this. It won’t be long until they’re packing up Gavin’s beater car that she insists they drive all the way up to Michigan. And then after that, everything’s going to change. They’re going to share a dorm but they’re only in a few overlapping classes. And, yeah, they’ll have field hockey but Seamus just knows that Gavin’s going to go all in on getting involved in campus life and that’s just not Seamus’ scene unless she’s being dragged along by Gavin but who wants to be weighed down with their childhood best friend when they could be out making new friends and finding new people to make out with at crowded parties. And there won’t even be endless miles of sandy beaches to escape to when she’s feeling ungrounded. 

She’s dreading leaving this bubble they have here, despite how excited she is. 

“Tell me again, Gavo, how close is Ann Arbor to Detroit?” Seamus asks even though they’ve talked about this a million times. “How far are we gonna have to drive to get to water?”

Gavin grabs her hand, smushes her fingers together to keep it mitten-shaped, and presses her finger into the fleshy spot just left of her thumb.

“This is Ann Arbor,” Gavin slides her finger over to the edge of the base of Seamus’ thumb, “and this is Detroit.”

Seamus nods. 

“But there are lakes everywhere. Big ones. You won’t even miss the ocean one bit. The Hugheses already said we’re invited to their lakehouse any time so all you gotta do is say the word and we’ll go.”

It’s a conversation they’ve had a hundred times at this point, that started from the day Gavin first brought up the idea of leaving home to play field hockey. And it’s a ploy, to keep Gavin talking about home and their life together. 

Seamus expects Gavin to drop her hand after that but instead, she links their fingers together again, resting their hands on Seamus’ thigh. They sit like that, quiet, just listening to the raindrops hit the wood roof until Gavin breaks the silence. 

“Hey Shea,” she whispers.

Seamus grunts an acknowledgment. 

“Remember all the times we used to come here after school? The parties?”

“Of course, Gavo.”

“How come you never tried to get me in spin the bottle?”

Seamus ignores her own shock at the question to look at Gavin. Gavin’s not looking back at her. She’s looking down at the ground under her dangling feet and Seamus wants to scream because she never sees Gavin look so vulnerable, so shy, so– worried that Seamus is the one who’s about to do the heart breaking. 

“That’s not how the game works?” Seamus poses it as a question.

“Oh fuck off,” Gavin says gently, with a huff of a laugh. “You know that Riley and Sammi both knew how to get the bottle to land on whoever they wanted. It was easy.”

“I didn’t want you to tell me no,” she admits honestly. 

“That’s not how the game works,” Gavin parrots back the answer and grins up at Seamus, finally looking up from the ground beneath them. “Plus, I’d never tell you no.”

Seamus can’t think of anything to respond with but thankfully it doesn’t matter. Gavin’s closing the distance between them, pulling Seamus closer by her shoulder with her free hand. She waits a moment like she’s trying to give Seamus the chance to say no but Seamus nods her head and then Gavin is crashing their mouths together. It’s a rough kiss, more teeth than soft lips but Seamus doesn’t want it to end. 

Unfortunately, it does, as Gavin pulls back, a small string of spit connecting their lips and then breaking between them. 

“Wanted to get that out of the way before I cracked in our dorm room and pinned you against a closet.”

“Gavin!” Seamus whacks her on the chest, harder than she means to. 

“Want to do more, too.” And the shark smile is back as Gavin leans back towards Seamus’ body, pushing her down against the cracked wood of the bench, pinning her in place. “Wanna do everything with you.”

[alwaysgcld]

a mixtape for finley || @silvcrlining

[ to finley | in response to this goodbye text ] I’m not disappointed in you Finley. I understand. [ to finley ] Just... Be safe, okay?  [ to finley | the next day this link is sent ] I made this for you because... Because I really do understand needing to leave to find something. Yourself, peace, whatever you want to refer to it as. Especially after feeling like you fucked things up. I don’t know what all happened, it’s not something you have to share with me either. But I think our stories are similar enough that I have an idea of what you’re going through. What you might need to hear. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong about that. I do know I wasn’t wrong when I said you make this town brighter. Making a mistake doesn’t erase that, it makes you human. I hope that this helps, even if it only does in a little way. Just know I’m still your friend, Finley. And if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you.

tracklist below

i. boston - augustana

i think i'll start a new life / i think i'll start it over, where no one knows my name / i think i need a new town, to leave this all behind / i think i need a sunrise, i'm tired of the sunset

A fresh start. He remembers what it felt like when he needed one. Remembers the conversation he had with Finley about that feeling. While he wishes that they didn’t have to go, he gets it.

ii. this is home - cavetown

get a load of this monster / [they don't] know how to communicate / [their] mind is in a different place / will everybody please give [them] a little bit of space? / get a load of this train wreck / [their] hair's a mess and [they don't] know who [they are] yet / but little do we know, the stars / welcome [them] with open arms

How he suspects Finley sees themselves versus how he sees them. Finley made it clear they don’t think they’re as great as he once said they were, that they just fuck things up. Ben sees their pain, he understands it. He knows they just need space, to leave and clear their minds. Maybe they won’t be able to make amends with everyone they hurt, but there are still people in the valley who care about them. Who would welcome them back with open arms if they came back.

iii. falling out of trees - barcelona

fall, fall out of trees into the street all on my own / i finally found out how long I can hang on / oh, i got this all wrong, my heart is scared, my heart is gone / and now looking around, there's no one here to hear my fall

There came a time when he realized how alone he was. That there was no one there to look out for him if he fell back into that deep, dark place within himself. He doesn’t know where Finley is going, doesn’t know if they’re going to have anyone there for them. He can only hope they’ll be steady on their feet if they fall again.

iv. that’s how you make the roses grow - the fergies

step right up i got a midas touch / turn to cold everything i love / truth is an open heart to see me through / they're taking root under my skin, and a'roses bloom / all i know is my flesh and bone / don't feel like home, don't feel like home

Back to the suspected root of Finley’s problem. That they think everything they touch gets ruined, Midas touch if you will. He knows that until they address what makes them that way, they won’t find what it is they are looking for. It’s hard to find a place to call home, inside or outside yourself, when you’re carrying around that kind of weight and not working to fix it.

v. misguided ghosts - paramore

see, i'm trying to find my place / but it might not be here where i feel safe / we all learn to make mistakes / and run from them, from them / with no direction / oh, you are not useless / we are just / misguided ghosts / traveling endlessly

He knows that Finley isn’t there yet. To the point where they can face their mistakes head on. They need to run away, try to find their place again. That doesn’t make them hopeless or useless, just misguided. This is their time to try to find the right direction to go to find themselves.

vi. i have made mistakes - the oh hellos

and all the doubts i've faced / all the doubts i've faced, i continue to face them / but nothing is a waste / nothing is a waste, if you learn from it / cause we are not alone / we are not alone in the dark with our demons / we have made mistakes / we have made mistakes, but we've learned from them

It’s their time to face their mistakes, to learn from them. Otherwise they’re going to keep on making the same ones over and over again. Like they did, but Ben isn’t aware of that part.

vii. human - civil twilight

where do i begin, can i shed this skin / what is this i feel within / it's only love, it's only pain / it's only fear that runs through my veins / it's all the things you can't explain / that make us human

“Making a mistake doesn’t erase that, it makes you human.”

viii. i’ll be good - jaymes young

for all of the light that i shut out / for all of the innocent things that i doubt / for all of the bruises i've caused and the tears / for all of the things that i've done / all these years, no, yeah / for all of the sparks that i stomped out / for all of the perfect things that i doubt

This is what he hopes for them. To get the point where they actually make the change for good so to speak. To acknowledge, truly acknowledge, the harm they’ve done, not only to others but themselves. Because they doubted they deserved all of those “innocent, perfect things” that they had so they destroyed it. 

ix. can’t go back now - the weepies

and yeah, yeah, go where you want to go. yeah, yeah, be what you want to be / if you ever turn around, you'll see me

“Just know I’m still your friend, Finley. And if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you.“

x. i know a place - muna

you think being yourself / means being unworthy / and it's hard to love / with a heart that's hurting / but if you want to go out dancing / i know a place / i know a place we can go (yeah) / where everyone gonna lay down their weapon / lay down their weapon / just give me trust and watch what'll happen

He knows what it’s like to feel unworthy, and he’s knows it’s all bullshit. Finley deserves love. Especially to love themselves. But they have to heal first. So, if they want to talk about it, he’s here for them. If they want a distraction from it until they are ready, he’s also there for them. They just need to put some trust in him. Also a small callback to the second unsent text here.

[veridium]

in my way

alright (x3) okay gamers, guess what? COLLEGE AU UPDATE COMING AT YOU LIVE!

THAT’S RIGHT, HIATUS WHOMST?

I’m thrilled to finally be able to post this sucker. I’m naming it after one of my favorite MUNA songs, and it’s pretty fitting for where we are and where we’re going. Poor Olivia is gonna have some character development in this chili’s tonight. 

Thank you to Isabella @bitchesofostwick for being patient with me as I get my cats wrangled. You’re the MVP. 

fic masterpost / last chapter

--

When the high of the game weekend subsides, two truths remain:

1. Cassandra called her her girlfriend in public, in front of like, two dozen witnesses. Can’t walk that back. 

2). Cassandra has a fucked up ankle. The doctors recommended a boot, not a brace. Olivia knows enough about sports injuries -- particularly in the feet in legs -- to know it won’t be a quick and easy recovery. 

Luckily for Cass, walking boots have become a fashion, and she will only have to be in one for a short time. But that also means she can’t do certain things as easily as she could without it. Though as much of a soldier as they come, by the end of Monday, she’s in a shitty mood when Olivia calls her shortly after getting out of a work at the gym:

“It’s bullshit that they put me in this thing, the sprain wasn’t that bad. I saw the x-rays!”

Olivia tosses her bag in the trunk of her mini and slams the door down, phone tucked between shoulder and ear. “It’s only for a couple of weeks, right? Just rest up and--”

“--already tired of it knocking into things, what the fuck is the--”

“--Cass, er, hold on, let me…”

“I shouldn’t have called, you were at work--”

“No no!” Olivia slides into the driver’s seat, hurriedly trying to set up the bluetooth. She slides the key into the ignition and twists, but she can still hear Cassandra grumbling and ranting, and she’s not even on speaker. When the bluetooth makes her live on the car stereo, she’s thundering so much Olivia has to turn her down several clicks. 

“Babe, hey!” Olivia cuts in. The speaker goes sharply quiet. “Are you home?”

Quiet, and then a curt sigh. “...Yes.”

“Good. Is Cullen there?” Maybe he can talk her off the ledge. But by the sounds of it, though, he isn’t. 

“No,” Cassandra confirms, “he’s out.”

“Got it,” Olivia sighs as silently as she can. “Okay, how about I come over and cook up something, and you can work on that RICE thing they told you to do--”

“Ugh, the amount of times they said that fucking acronym bull--”

“Rest, ice, compression, and elevation! Yes, that bullshit.” She’s rubbing her hands in the lotion stocked in her console. “I can run to the store if you need anything?”

“No, I’m fine.”

“...Cassandra.”

“I’m fine.” Her voice digs into a dreaded monotone. No longer on a rampage, but seething. Olivia can’t pick which is worse. Instead of ragging on her, she puts the car into drive and pulls out of her spot. Just as she’s about to go forward, Cass says something:

“Actually, I have a lot to do tonight. Would you mind if you didn’t come over?”

Olivia stars suspiciously at the stereo, the best proxy she has for her hardass girlfriend. She blurts out a confused sound, her hands falling from the steering wheel down into her lap.

“Uh, are you sure? I mean, are you going to be okay without Cullen around? Is he going to be home soon?”

“I don’t need Cullen around. I’ll be fine. I just have to get homework done.” There’s some background noise of things shuffling, like papers or binders or something. Cassandra wouldn’t be the type to orchestrate a lie like that -- at least, Olivia hopes not.

Unfortunately, no matter what it is, Olivia can’t push her way into her apartment. So, taking hold of the wheel again, she checks to make sure no one else is waiting on her spot.

“I, uh, I’m good with that!” she says, a bit distracted as she drives out toward the parking lot entrance. “Rain check, then?”

“Yeah.”

“...Okay.” She slides to a stop waiting for the 4:30pm rush to pass by. “Let me know if you need anything, alright? I can still stop by and drop off things. I’ll just be doing homework.”

“Thank you, but I should be fine.”

Fine. Fine, fine, fine. Always fine. 

“Okay...um, alright. Well, I’ll talk to you soon, then?”

“Sure.” 

Olivia scrunches her nose, missing a chance to pull onto the road by the sudden spike of frustration. She twists her lips shut and nods, as if Cass can see it.

“Cool. Bye.” She hangs up before Cassandra can do the honors herself. It feels kind of awful, and rests on her shoulders as she drives back to her part of campus. I shouldn’t be so impatient with her, it’s only been a couple days. Maybe she thought it would be too easy: the night of the party was all about celebrating them, and Cassandra was riding the euphoria of victory. Sunday was good, too: she stayed home from Church, a rarity for her, and they stayed home and watched movies. Sure she was tired, and a bit overwhelmed, but she wasn’t angry. 

--

“I don’t get it. I mean, if she’s been an athlete her whole life, shouldn’t she be used to this stuff?”

It’s Tuesday morning and Olivia is trying not to think about the fact that Cassandra didn’t so much as text her for the rest of the night. Perhaps she should have been more explicit when she said “let me know if you need anything,” and said “please don’t shut me out.” 

Josephine, walking beside her, is un-phased. “Cassandra seems to be the type to not let anything get in her way. I’m sure she’s just frustrated she has to consider limitations. That never gets easier, no matter how much you get hurt.”

“Yeah, but…” Olivia takes another long sip while she adjusts her shoulder bag strap. “I don’t know. Maybe I should take a step back.”

“Psh, Olivia,” Josephine gives her a look as they start up some stairs. “She announced you were her girlfriend, what, three days ago? That’s a step!”

“I know it is, but like…okay, I feel like injury care is kind of a step on its own, right? I mean, you wouldn’t just start becoming someone’s bedside physician a week into dating.”

“Is that what’s going on?”

“...Uh, no, but…”

“Then...?”

“I don’t know. I feel like...I mean, if she needed anything, I would be there. I took her to the hospital! I sat there for over an hour and waited for them to let her go. I picked up painkillers. I know enough to know that she’ll need help -- that she needs help. She can’t drive or walk very much, and I know it’s causing her pain. I just want to...you know...I want to make sure she’s taken care of. Is that intrusive? Am I skipping a step here?”

Josephine smiles as she holds the door open for Olivia to walk in first. Once inside, she bumps her shoulder into hers encouragingly. “I think it’s just a matter of getting used to things. Does Cassandra have people in her life she regularly depends on like that?”

“Yes! Totally.”

“I mean, like, ‘can you help me with this task I would otherwise have no problem doing by myself, but now I need special assistance with it, and it requires me to be sort of humble and take up someone else’s time and energy’ kind of way?”

Olivia is about to say yes again, but she stops. Josephine’s knowing stare only compounds her mistaken confidence. 

“Uh. Hm.”

Josephine is sense incarnate, and if she’s not saying to back off, then maybe the problem isn’t Olivia’s over-caring. But the fact remains: they haven’t exactly followed a traditional timeline. And this one is making Olivia confront some odd feelings she did not expect to come up so fiercely. 

As they near the hall outside their classroom, a last-minute topic is brought up. “Oh, I forgot,” Josephine says, finger pointed up in the air. “The festival is coming up. Are you going? You are going, right?”

Oh fuck, the festival. The event that happens right before break. Carnival games, cider, the whole autumnal enchilada. Josephine’s question makes the domino effect kick in: the festival is this weekend, meaning thanksgiving break is next week, meaning exams are less than three weeks from now, which means…

“Uh, Olivia?” Josephine snaps her back into reality with another cool smile. “You look like I asked if you remembered what your last school picture was like!”

Olivia shudders. “Ugh, no, no,” she clarifies, “I’m good. Um, the festival? I thought so, but, with everything that’s been going on I kinda forgot. Are you and Theia going?”

Josephine’s cheery facade subsides, and she holds the books in her arms close to her chest. “Oh. Um, not together, no.”

Suddenly it feels as though they’ve crashed through several floors of drama and into hell’s furnace. What the fuck? 

“Wait, what? Josie, what happ--”

“Shh, sh,” Josie takes hold of Olivia’s forearm and draws nearer. “Nothing, just...just a break. It is alright.”

“Alright?! I--”

“Olivia! Inside voice,” Josephine interrupts.

With as much as she can muster Olivia tries to slow her heartbeat, taking a breath that feels utterly useless. The Kill Bill sirens are sounding off in her head again. Seems like they have become a permanent fixture. 

“We are just taking some time. That is all.”

Olivia’s brow furrows. “Time? Is it because...is it…”

Josephine grins sorely and releases her gentle hold. “There is a lot to it. Too much to chat about before class. You’ve had your own stuff to attend to. I don’t blame you at all!”

Blame. Olivia didn’t think of the word yet, but hearing her say it, it’s pretty damning. Blame would be the way she’d describe how she feels: to blame, more like. If anything else has been going on between them, she has no clue. They were always good at putting on a stunning show of lovers. Now it’s like a “the parents are divorcing” saga all over again. Nevertheless, Olivia swallows her need to know everything all at once.

“Okay. We’ll talk about it, though, right? Soon?”

“Yes, sure,” Josephine says, “I just have a lot to do this week, and then break, and…”

“I get it, no, it’s fine.” Olivia says her least favorite word. “Whenever you can and want to. I’m here!”

They conclude their counseling of each other’s issues -- or, more like Olivia’s, ft. a mention of Josephine’s -- and head to class. Strangely enough it is like a vacation getting to think about anything except what she’s currently overthinking. As soon as the 55 minutes of class are up she goes right back to spinning, except now it has the added ingredients of whatever the fuck is going on with Theia and Josie. 

She checks her phone. No new messages from Theia since their reunion special at the pizza shop. 

Olivia: Hey, Theia. I was talking to Josie. Are you okay?

She sends it, but receives nothing back. At least not for the rest of the afternoon before she texts Cassandra, who is also stonewalling her: 

Olivia: Hey! You feeling better today?

Thankfully, within ten minutes, a response: 

Cassandra: Not really. I went home early and moved my office hours to Thursday. How are you?

Olivia: Oh, ok. I’m glad you’re resting. I’m doing good, just got out of classes for the day. 

Cassandra: Anything interesting?

Olivia: That Chad guy brought up Lenin again. Didn’t think he could do it, but he did! Lol :)

Cassandra stops responding, and after 30 minutes Olivia has arrived back at her dorm. She hops onto her bed and sees nothing, no typing ellipses. Feeling the sinking gut reaction again, she pries a little:

Olivia: Anyway, I know it’s only been a day, but are you up for company? 

Five minutes later, a quick and surprising reply: 

Cassandra: I would, but Leliana is here, actually. Filling me in on what I missed on Sunday. 

Olivia’s turns off her screen and tosses the phone across her bed. What, did a new Apostle get named? Apostle Jerry, or something? Fuck Apostle Jerry. She doesn’t respond; instead she’s disturbed by how much she cares, and how protective she’s being. Leliana is not her favorite person in the world, but she’s no villain. What the hell is going on with emotions this week?

Another half hour goes by of her trying to reign herself in. Her mind says “calm the fuck down, it’s nothing, it’s been a couple of days,” and her heart says, well, a number of inappropriate expletives. 

“Knock, knock,” says an infamous voice from behind the door. 

Olivia groans. 

“Good, you’re here,” Ellinor chuckles as she lets herself in. Dressed in jeans and no shirt, but a nice flannel that compliments her sports bra. She, too, must be trying to unwind from the day.

“Yep, here,” Olivia gripes, falling onto her back on the comforter. “Always here, just at the ready, willing to report for duty!”

By the sounds of it, Ellinor is chomping on something. Maybe a granola bar, or a handful of men’s hopes. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing. Just...just a long day.”

“I totally believe that. Anyway,” Ellinor takes another bite of whatever it is, and remains standing in the center of the room. “You want to go get something to eat? I’m out of ramen an--”

“Yes. Yes, 100% yes,” Olivia jumps up and heads for her closet, zooming past without so much as a hey, hi, hello. “Let’s go. Sushi? Sushi.”

“Hey, woah, there, woman,”

Olivia’s sliding on a pullover sweater, shimmying her cares away, before she hears Ellinor protest again: “Liv! Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Y-yeah! Fuck yeah,” Olivia laughs nervously, pulling her hair up into a bun using a hairtye on her wrist. “I’m so good. You set to go?”

They stare at each other, Olivia’s semi-heavy breathing the only noise. Ellinor, is holding a granola bar wrapper in one hand, the last piece of it in the other.

“Uh, well, seeing as how I don’t have a shirt on,” she says warily, “I would have to have a minute to prepare…”

Olivia, bounding up onto her toes, is not one to criticize. “Sure! Yeah, no, take your time. I mean, it’s just a shirt, it shouldn’t take too long, right?”

“....No….” Ellinor’s side-eyeing intensifies. “Luckily, I just...did laundry…”

“Cool! That’s awesome, congratu--”

“Okay Olivia, what the hell? Did you shotgun three red bulls in a row, or are you hiding something?”

“I...I did not shoot a...yuck!” She groans in displeasure. “No, I’m just...just ready to get off campus. Midterms have been a nightmare.”

“Yeah, for you? Sure.” Ellinor rolls her eyes, dragging her feet as she makes for the door. “Whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll hear about it in between the first and second roll…”

“...Wait, roll…?”

“Of sushi!” Ellinor says from the hall, a bit outraged. “How would I ever mean anything else besides sushi?!”

Relieved to no longer have her best and dearest friend who has x-ray vision into her mania, Olivia takes a deep exhale to herself and begins assembling her items: wallet, keys, and so on. Her phone is the last one she looks for, and indeed the last one she wants to have contact with now. When she grabs it, she checks the screen: no new messages from either of her problematic women. At this point, she’s almost glad. 

She pulls up Cassandra’s thread and begins typing:

Oh, that’s nice of her! On second thought, I forgot I had dinner plans tonight, so nevermind. 

Just as she is about to hit send, she bites her lip and stalls. Yesterday she got on herself for being too impatient with Cassandra and her wants and needs. Or, lack thereof. Maybe it’s fine to just leave well enough alone, since she obviously isn’t caring too much about what Olivia has to say. 

“Hey, ready?” she hears Ellinor from the hall, making the whole deliberation on a time crunch. 

Olivia erases the message, choosing silence as the best reply. If Cassandra has a problem with that, she can very-well rectify it. She slides the phone into her back pocket and leaves her dorm for the night. 

“Where do you want to go?” she asks Ellinor as they get outside, starting for the parking lot.

“Let’s go to that place on the corner by Parsons’ street,” Ellinor says whilst typing on her own phone. “The one with the big boat thing in the front lobby?”

“We never go there,” Olivia says curiously, “why start now?”

“Because Cullen and I have ordered too much from our usual spot and now the guy on the phone knows I’ve taken a lover because of how different my order is now.”

“Got it. Too bad Cullen doesn’t like my kind of sushi,” Olivia bemoans in a teasing way. She sees her beloved mini down the aisle of cars and hits the unlock button. 

“Yeah, well, it’s hard to say it’s you when I have to explicitly ask how spicy the spicy tuna is and if they can put all the wasabi in my box, just in case,” Ellinor says it with a giggle, but it’s a damning detail about Cullen’s beloved taste buds.

“He makes you ask?” Olivia laughs.

“No, I just do it anyway. I think he’s trying to prove to me he can handle spicy foods, he’s been asking to taste my plate. Then he starts sweating and turning red, and I ask if he wants anything to drink, and he tries to laugh it off.” They both get into the car, and Ellinor reaches for her seat belt. “It’s...tragically cute.”

“Yeah, sounds like it,” Olivia grins and shuts her door. After her own seat belt is secure she turns on the car and lets it warm up. Her phone gets tossed into the center console without so much as a second thought or concern. This attracts Ellinor’s attention rather fast. 

“How’s Cass the Boot--”

“Ellinor,” Olivia glances.

“Okay, okay, fine. How is she, though?”

“She’s fine.”

Olivia once again is putting her car into gear for the second time in 24 hours all the while pretending she isn’t bothered by something definitely bothersome. While she reverses, Ellinor proves that bluetooth communication is the better method for saving face, and continues her questioning. 

“Fine? That’s all? I thought…”

“She’s resting up at home. Not much to say, it’s only been a few days since the game.”

After a delay, Ellinor settles back into her seat. “Okay. I see.”

Once they’re on the road, and music gets put on, it’s far less difficult to breathe. If Olivia can just get over it and not treat every day like a make-it-or-break-it moment, she will be fine. Cassandra is just frustrated with herself and tired. She’ll be okay. It’s not the end of the world. It’s not her job. 

Just as they’re hitting downtown, Ellinor tries again to strike up conversation: “Cullen’s excited about the fall festival, apparently he and the guys get super competitive about the games.”

“Really? That’s unsurprising,” Olivia smirks. 

“Yeah, something tells me I’m going to hit the jackpot with stuffed animals won in my honor. Are you excited?”

“M-me? Yeah. Totally. I’ve been looking forward to it for the last couple weeks.”

“Me, too.”

Another few minutes of no talking. The conversation was dead on arrival. Olivia can’t help but think about going, or not going, or going and being alone. What would be worse, going somewhere with Cassandra being grumpy, or going alone and watching all the couples have fun? It felt rather anticlimactic. She wanted to share it with the woman she’s got it bad for. 

“It’s up a few more blocks, right?” she asks.

“Uh, yeah,” Ellinor checks the directions on her phone briefly. 

“Cool.”

“You sure everything’s okay?”

Olivia grips the wheel harder, and fortunately the light in front of her finally turns green. “Yes, just on edge with midterms.”

“...that is the thing, though, exams never phase you.”

“Yeah, well.”

Ellinor gives a “mhm” sound and goes back to scrolling through her phone. Olivia knows better than to think her ignorant. But what else can she do when she herself doesn’t understand why she’s so nervous and upset? Why, if Cassandra texted her in this moment asking for her help and presence, she’d flip a U-turn and tell sushi to go fuck itself? Relationships have steps. There are steps for a reason. 

This isn’t Cassandra’s fault, Olivia tells herself. Over and over, but she barely believes it. This is a me thing. It has to be. 

As she gets out of the car in the parking lot outside the restaurant, Olivia finds herself holding tight to her bundle of keys. Tight onto something in particular: a keychain, one of only two on the ring. As they approach she takes a look at it in her hand: an old baseball keychain, so old the white on the ball has worn off. What’s more worn down are the letters that read “World’s No. 1 Daughter” on the back. 

“Hey, ready?” Ellinor asks, holding onto the door but not opening it yet. She sounds sweeter, now, like she noticed and understands. Ellinor always understands. 

Olivia shakes her head, smiling as she puts her keys in her sweater pocket. “Yeah! I’m starving, holy shit.”

Nothing pairs with sushi quite like anxiety.

[jukeboxjulian]

( TOM HOLLAND / CIS MALE / TWENTY FOUR / HE/HIM/HIS ) i always seem to run into JULIAN EVANS at jukebox records. i’ve heard that if the REGULAR CUSTOMER had to choose one go-to record, it’d be SAVES THE WORLD by MUNA and that they can be CARING but also kind of SHY. for some reason, they always make me think of FINGERS CALLUSED FROM GUITAR STRINGS, TOO MANY SCARS TO COUNT, and THE TOO GOOD TOO PURE FOR THIS WORLD CINNAMON ROLL MEME. — ( alyssa, 27, pst, she/her/hers )

hi everyone!! I’m alyssa and I am super super new to tumblr rp... as in, this is my first time ever roleplaying on here in a group (eek)! I’ve been roleplaying for over 15 years now (seriously) and am usually used to forums and 1x1, so I’m excited to try something new :) I tend to write a LOT - as in if you don’t shut me up, I will give you thousands and thousands of words for replies hehe. anywho, julian is one of my favorite muses ever and I’m so excited to bring him here!! without further ado, here is my sweet baby angel precious baby panda, julian!

TW: child abuse, domestic violence, and alcoholism.

background | past & present

julian was born julian tyler evans on march 28, 1996, in santa barbara, california, to claire evans and dylan porter. if you ask him, he’ll tell you he has one parent - his biggest inspiration and his role model, claire. julian inherited all his best traits from claire: his kindness, his determination, his passion, and his ability to care for everyone and anyone. as a pediatric nurse, claire worked long hours throughout the majority of julian’s childhood, but still managed to stay exceptionally present in her son’s life and parent him through a tumultuous relationship.

dylan is out of the picture. julian has a few happy memories with his dad prior to the age of six, but the majority of their relationship is mired in trauma. dylan always had problems with alcohol, even prior to having julian, but those issues worsened when he lost his job in the early 2000s. seemingly overnight, the dad that julian once knew vanished. what started as a loving father-son relationship turned into a twisted game of cat and mouse, and julian found himself walking on eggshells in his own home. more often than not, julian spent his nights covering the bruises and scratches dylan gave him earlier in the day. julian and claire quickly became ER regulars, and he learned to sew his own stitches before his fourteenth birthday.

the abuse julian endured forced him to turn his pain and doubts inward. the overly happy and energetic child version of julian disappeared, replaced by a cautious and quiet boy who didn’t dare rock the boat for fear of retaliation. throughout his difficult childhood, julian found solace in one thing - music. as the son of two musicians, julian learned guitar and piano before he learned to form proper sentences. a natural knack for the craft led julian to pick up bass, drums, and production at an early age (though guitar and piano are still his first loves). the majority of julian’s high school years were spent locked in his room, perfecting one beat for several hours or layering vocals late into the night.

his best friend, danny, is perhaps the only thing that kept julian’s head above water throughout his childhood. julian and danny met in the orchestra room in middle school when neither of them had friends to sit with at lunch. the two boys became best friends instantly and helped each other through their childhood struggles - danny helped julian survive his dad’s abuse and julian provided danny with a safe space after coming out to his homophobic parents.

julian and danny moved to san francisco for college. it was there that they met zoe and kevin through an on-campus a cappella group. the four bonded immediately through a cappella and now play together in a band (and live together as roommates). you can catch them playing gigs around town, and you’ll probably catch julian outside the venue two hours later having in-depth conversations with every person who showed up for their show. the stage is the one place where julian comes alive - he’s a natural performer and sheds his shy persona easily when he’s in his element.

outside of the band, julian works as a second grade teacher, and occasionally works in the stacks at the local library during the summers to make extra money. he adores children and spends most of his free time coming up with lesson plans and songs to teach his kids in an engaging way. adorable elementary school teacher by day, hot musician by night: the julian evans story.

personality

julian is the definition of the “beautiful cinnamon roll, too good, too pure for this world” meme. he cares deeply and intensely about the people he loves, and he’s the most loyal friend you’ll ever have. julian is the friend who will hold your hair back while you puke. he leaves granola bars in his roommates’ cars when he knows they’re not eating enough. he goes out of his way to care for everyone he meets without expecting anything in return.

with that being said, julian is a bit of a doormat. this largely stems from his history of abuse - he’s used to thinking that things are his fault, and that it’s easiest to accept the blame and not rock the boat, even when he’s in the right. he’s the guy who won’t mention that the waiter got his order wrong at a restaurant because he doesn’t want to make them uncomfortable. you could shoot julian in the heart and he would apologize for bleeding on your clothes.

julian prefers lyrics to discussions. he’s a producer and a songwriter above all else, and he finds it much easier to express his feelings through music than through conversation. when his back’s against the wall - when he’s experiencing intense ptsd or anxiety or sadness or anger - he locks himself in his room and writes music.

as someone who craves deep, lasting connections, he isn’t one to have lots of acquaintances or fair-weather friends. he can count the number of close friends he has on one hand and he likes it that way. it’s hard for julian to open up to people initially, but once you get through his quiet exterior, he’ll let his guard down and stick with you no matter what.

in terms of romantic relationships, julian is tragically heterosexual. like in his friendships, julian is the type of person who wants a long-term, stable relationship. since his childhood, julian has always been a hopeless romantic, constantly searching for the girl who will finally make him understand the love songs he’s listened to his whole life. he’s painfully shy, which means he has a hard time approaching girls he’s interested in, and most girls don’t take the time to crack through his quiet exterior. with that being said, the girl who does end up with him for the long haul is in for a very loving relationship.

headcanons

around his friends, julian is the quintessential chaotic aries. he WILL set the kitchen on fire because he moves too quickly while cooking and will try to do backflips in the living room just to prove he can.

julian is a fantastic cook and a terrible baker, because he gets too distracted to properly follow directions. he’s also been a vegetarian since he was 13. his favorite food is his mom’s eggplant parmesan.

he has a small garden on the balcony of his apartment, where he’s trying to grow vegetables and flowers. he says hi to the bees that show up every morning and has names for all of them, even though he can’t tell them apart.

julian loves his music more than anything and tries to form deep, lasting connections with the fans of his band. he remembers every person he’s met and always tries to connect with people, even though it’s a bit draining for him as an introvert. he’s terrible at social media and has no idea how to work instagram live, but tries to do it anyway to connect with the fans.

julian will listen to anything and everything - kpop, death metal, folk, rap, the works. he drives his roommates up the wall by blaring music at all hours of the day.

he has a pit bull named belle that he adopted from the shelter. she’s his best friend. he also has four aunts, and was basically raised in an intersectionally feminist sex-positive witch coven. yep.

producing is julian’s biggest passion, followed closely by songwriting. he produces all of his band’s songs and enjoys collaborating with others on production. it’s the one area where he feels confident enough to be himself.

for someone so shy, julian is super comfortable with his sexuality and won’t stand for toxic masculinity. he and danny used to do drag, but he hasn’t had a ton of time for it recently. he is also very confident in the bedroom, which surprises a lot of people. hehe.

julian is a boxer. what stemmed from a need to defend himself turned into a genuine passion - it’s easy for him to turn his brain off and focus when he’s working out. that being said, you’ll only find him at the gym in the wee hours of the morning, when he doesn’t have to be around too many people. he is an introvert, after all :)

julian is dyslexic and has pretty terrible vision, so he needs glasses. he usually wears contacts, but the first girl to tell him she thinks he looks cute in his glasses will steal his heart.

[backtothestart02]

If Only She Knew - 2/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: Finally, it is here!

Commissioned by @andromidagalaxie. I hope you all enjoy!

*Many thanks to @valeriemperez for beta’ing.

(Read chapter 1 here.)

...

Synopsis: HS!AU - Barry, Joe and Iris go camping the year Barry hits puberty.

...

Chapter 2 -

Barry had never been as still in all his life as he was right now, with Iris’ head on his shoulder and the back of her hand against his knee, and him hardly daring to breathe if she moved either any further.

The fact was, it was happening again. He was getting a boner.

He’d been getting them the last few weeks – not just around Iris, around other girls too, and at super inconvenient times, but especially when Iris was present. He’d taken to wearing extra-long t-shirts and baggy pants until Iris took note and questioned his fashion. Then she’d tried to take him shopping, and he absolutely put his foot down to that. He’d never be able to hide it then.

How Joe hadn’t caught on to his increasing anxiety over this new dilemma never ceased to exasperate him. How could he not know?

Or maybe he did know, and he just wasn’t saying anything.

Nah, Joe wouldn’t be that cruel, Barry thought confidently.

But his inward grin started to fade as his self-assurance wavered, and he grew wary of Joe’s true intentions.

“Hey, you two ready to get something to eat?” Joe asked, loud enough to rouse Iris from her sleep, but not too loud that she would complain about it.

“Mm, yes,” she said, nuzzling into Barry’s shoulder and wrapping her arms around his beside her. “Pancakes, please.”

Joe shifted his gaze to Barry’s extremely pale one in the rearview mirror.

“What about you, Bear?”

“I’m good,” he said, appetite gone, though his stomach would probably say otherwise.

“You like pancakes too, remember?” Iris mumbled against his shirt.

“Oh. That’s…you’re right, Iris. I do like pancakes.”

“Blueberry ones,” she reminded him.

“Mhmm, blueberry ones,” he said, more to get her to stop talking than because he remembered.

Meanwhile, Joe was still eyeing him suspiciously in the mirror.

“So… Mama Bear’s Diner?”

“Yessss,” Iris slurred.

“Sounds good,” Barry forced.

Joe stared a few moments more and then focused back on the road.

“We should be there in roughly twenty minutes.”

…

Mama Bear’s Breakfast Diner served only breakfast all day, every day. But it was tradition to stop there on the way to and from the campsite every year, no matter what time of day it was. No one refused. Barry would die for their pancakes, Joe would do just about anything for their scrambled eggs, and Iris was a glutton for the French toast and muffins.

From the outside, the diner looked like a normal house, but on the inside, it was a log cabin of the coziest sort. There were always tulips planted and a slightly moving white rocking chair on the white-painted porch by entrance. Which was kind of creepy now that Barry thought about it. He wondered if he should tell Iris about that observation. He turned to see her a few steps behind him, swinging her arms in an effort to let momentum catch up with him. Joe was behind her, apparently oblivious to all things. Barry wished he wasn’t.

“Hold up, Barry! You’re going too fast!”

Since she was out of breath, Barry slowed down a hair and, as expected, Iris was then not only able to match his pace but also loop her arm through his the way she had in the car.

She was so darn affectionate. And he loved that about her. But he hated this puberty thing, because now every little thing she did – a look, a touch – if it was directed at him, the normally dormant length of flesh in his underwear came to life. Somehow, Iris hadn’t noticed that fact yet, but it was only a matter of time until she did. Every moment he was preparing himself for the utter humiliation.

Three steps up to the peeling white-painted porch and they were inside.

It was the perfect temperature, as it tended to be, with air conditioning circling and spreading through the restaurant, even as the real fireplace warmed the far side of the restaurant. A small area was bare of table and chairs for the live music that came on Friday nights, and every single member had a red-and-white checkered shirt on that reminded Barry of a picnic tablecloth.

He liked it, though. He liked this place. And Iris, of course, was right. He was practically salivating already at the thought of consuming a couple stacks of their blueberry pancakes with whipped cream.

“I love it here.” Iris sighed dreamily, looking about the place as if she’d never seen it before. “We’ll have to come home on Friday night, so we can stop here along the way and listen to the live music.” She spun around to Joe. “Please, Dad? Please, please, please?”

She pulled out her batting eyelashes and pouty lips, and Barry knew Joe wouldn’t be able to resist. Who could say no to Iris when she knew exactly how to make you putty in her hands?

To Joe’s credit, he gave a valiant effort.

“But what about the fireworks on Saturday night, honey? You love those.”

“Can’t we do both?”

Joe chuckled nervously.

“This diner is much closer to home than it is to the campsite. You’d hate all the driving.”

Her eyes lit up as an idea came to her. “Barry could drive!”

And that was when Barry knew he was in hell.

Joe’s gaze shifted to his, making matters worse.

“All you’d have to do was be in the car, Dad. You can even sleep!”

Alarmed, Barry’s eyes widened, and he stared at her.

“I’ve only had my permit a week, Iris!”

She frowned and turned to look at him. Apparently, Joe was getting a kick out of it.

“If Barry’s okay with it, I’m okay with it.”

Barry’s mouth fell open.

“Please, Barry, pleeeease.” She intertwined her fingers in a folded hands stance as she pleaded, accompanying it with those beautiful batting eyelashes and perfect pouting lips. She got closer and closer the longer he stayed silent.

“Iris…”

“Please, Barry, I’ll do anything you want.”

That made him blush.

“Within reason, of course.”

He cleared his throat. “Of course.”

“Of course?” Her eyes lit up happily. “Of course!” She jumped into his arms.

“Wait, Iris, no-”

“Daddy, he said of course!” She turned and hugged her dad too.

“Iris, I didn’t mean-”

“That’s great, sweetheart,” Joe said, grinning.

Iris was still jumping up and down when the host appeared.

“What’s the occasion?” the woman asked.

“Barry’s bringing us back for the live music on Friday!”

Her eyes widened. “Oh, that’s wonderful.” She looked around to see where Barry was and saw Joe pointing in his direction, while Barry himself looked not very pleased at his current predicament.

She quietly laughed to herself.

“We have a great country band coming this Friday,” the host added. “They’ll have you dancing in no time.”

“Dancing,” Iris said, mesmerized as she and the two guys who’d come with her followed the host to their seats.

Barry was frowning in a confused manner because he couldn’t remember Iris ever liking country music.

Joe was frowning because he hated it.

…

At approximately 4 p.m. that afternoon, the West/Allen family made it to the Lake Muna campground.

The lake could be seen only from Iris and Joe’s side of the car, so Barry was given a brief reprieve from her snuggles. Still, he did miss her warmth, and he did want to see the lake through all the trees surrounding them on the dirt road.

“Oh, Daddy, it’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Iris swooned.

“Mhmm,” Joe agreed. “Should make for some good fishing too.”

Iris rolled her eyes, then looked behind her.

“Barry, what do you think abou-” She frowned. “What are you doing all the way over there? Don’t you want to see the lake better?”

“Uh…” His mouth went dry. “My… My seatbelt won’t reach.” He blushed fiercely.

“You’re so weird, Barry,” she said and climbed over to him to unbuckle his belt. “C’mon.”

He looked to Joe once to see if he’d interject but got nothing from that sector, despite him being a cop who should care about things like seatbelts being taken off when the car was still in motion.

So, he crawled across the seat with Iris and looked out the window. He kneeled on the floor so his lap couldn’t be presented to Iris where she sat on the seat, but once he’d calmed himself down enough to assure there wouldn’t be any unfortunate incidents due to him moving across the seat, he was glad that he did.

The view was breathtaking.

“See? Aren’t you glad you broke that silly law?” She giggled, ignoring her Dad’s slight glare in the rearview mirror.

Barry ignored it too, for his own sanity, and only nodded.

“It’s beautiful.”

Iris sighed contently and leaned her face against the side of the window.

“This is going to be the best year ever.”

He smiled, then turned to look at her, lost in the view of the lake. Barry was lost in her and completely oblivious to if Joe was catching the moment or not.

“I’ll be right back,” Joe said, coming to a stop in the parking lot, so he could go in and confirm their reservation.

He took one step outside of the car and cursed.

Barry and Iris’ moment was broken, and they turned to see what was wrong.

“We may have a bit of a problem, kids.” Joe pressed his fingers to his creased brow.

“What is it, Dad?” Iris asked, Barry following her out of the car.

They didn’t know how, but one of the tents had gotten caught and torn. It would be no good to any of them, even if they wanted to duct tape the tears back together. Joe knew full well the tents for purchase were three times the price they were back home. Troubled, he contemplated a solution.

“Well, I guess there’s only one solution here,” Joe said.

The two turned to look at him.

“What’s that?” Iris asked.

Barry was afraid to breathe.

“You two will have to share a tent. You can have mine. I’ll take the smaller one.”

Barry paled, horrified.

Iris, as per usual, was thrilled.

...

*Also posted on AO3 and FFnet.

[thelittlestspider]

21 QUESTIONS TAGGED BY: @ravesthewriter. thanks for tagging me! RULES: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people

1. nickname: kimi

2. zodiac: sagittarius

3. height: 5′2

4. hogwarts house: ravenclaw

5. last thing i googled: i can’t remember. i think i was looking at the us map?

6. favorite musicians: i have so many. too many to list.

7. song stuck in my head: 

8. following: 739

9. followers: 582

10. do you get asks: sometimes. mostly no.

11. amount of sleep: anywhere from 4 to 10 hours depending on the time allotted.

12. what are you wearing: a night gown with tropical flowers and tigers and a green jacket.

13. dream job: something in an office where i get to sit, there’s no math, i can dress casual, dye my hair different colors, get tattoos/piercings, and make graphics. such a job probably doesn’t exist. 

14. dream trip: not sure. i’m not good with the heat or the cold bc i have eczema and my skin blisters or cracks at the slightest temperature change. so...idk probably some kind of road trip where i get to chill in a town by the sea in a haunted bed and breakfast i guess?

15. instruments: i don’t know how to play any instruments, i’m sorry lol.

16. languages: english

17. 10 favorite songs as of now: there is a light that never goes out - the smiths/ nautical disaster - the tragically hip/ i know a place - muna/ don’t swallow the cap - the national/ take me home, country roads - brandi carlile, emmylou harris/ 1973 - james blunt/ lavender moon - haroula rose/ where gravity is dead - laura veirs/ running up that hill (a deal with god) - kate bush/ old town road - lil nas x 

18. if you were an animal: cat

19. favorite food: i don’t really have a favorite food, so much as like foods i like that i’m not sick of that i can shove into my awful body. 

20. random fact: i was really obsessed with the saddle club series as a kid. i’ve never read animorphs or the babysitters club, but i vaguely remember the babysitters club movie?? i was also super into goosebumps and um stuff about vampires and werewolves.

21. my aesthetic: plaid. sparkly nail polish. spring/summer flowers. pictures/art of the ocean; or really anything that has an ocean/sea theme, vibe, or metaphor. those posts where they put a bunch of pics/art/quotes together that have a unifying them? all over that. horror stuff where it’s just kind of creepy, unsettling or ominous, rather than like gross/gory. 

(open tag)

[languages-and-else]

Rules: answer 20 Qs and tag 20 people you want to get to know better

I was tagged by @heytherefandoms thank you!! I usually forget these things if I get tagged in the first place, so I better do it fast before that happens!

1. Nicknames: Katha (friends I’ve had for a long time), Ina (my family) - I do not accept Kathi

2. Zodiac Sign: Leo! (I do not fit the stereotype, though... Life of the party WHO, definitely not me, I’ll be home sleeping.)

3. Height: 1, 68 m 

4. Hogwarts House: Hufflepuff! (People like sorting me into Ravenclaw because I’m studious and a nerd, but I’d rather be kind than smart)

5. Last thing I googled: I googled the lesbian pride flag cause I wasn’t sure in which order the colours go and I was making buttons for pride tomorrow!!

6. Favourite Musician: Imagine Dragons, The 1975, MUNA...

7. Song Stuck In My Head: Number One Fan by MUNA

8. Followers: 472 (and still I’m talking to myself)

9. Following: 204 (i’m sure many are inactive, though, and I don’t feel like checking

10. Do You Get Asks: no, not really. I used to get TONS at my old/first blog (it STILL gets asks even though I don’t use it anymore wtf) and sometimes I miss it. Talk to me!

11. Amount Of Sleep: I need at least 7 hours. Around 8 hours is prime length, I’m pretty consistent.

12. Lucky Number: pls leave me alone with any numbers

13. What Are You Wearing: a nightdress with tea cups printed on it saying “it’s tea o’clock” 

14. Dream Job: Teacher! I’m studying to become a teacher in Latin and English! Latin is very dear to my heart, but English has turned into more of a necessity. If I could start over again, I would choose Russian or inclusive pedagogy with a focus on sign language. But you know, it’s never too late...? 

15. Dream Trip: Norway, for one. I’ve only been to Oslo yet and would love to see more! I’d also re-visit Rome any day. And then I’d like to see Portugal and and and... 

16. Instruments: Like literally every kid, I played the recorder for some 4 years. Then I switched to playing the flute, which I did for about 6 years, I even took the bronze exam. 

17. Languages: My mother tongue is German, I’m fluent in English and somewhat fluent in Norwegian. I know Latin. Then there is some nice pan-Romance coming out of my mouth whenever I try my hand at Italian, Portuguese or Spanish because I’ve studied all of them at some point. Right now, I’m working on Russian and Austrian Sign language! 

18. Favourite Song: I... can’t choose? A selection: Nina Cried Power by Hozier, The Fall by Imagine Dragons, Shots by Imagine Dragons, Paris by The 1975, Dog Days are Over by Florence + the Machine... 

19. Random Fact: (I’ve spent way too long on this question now) Today my girlfriend and me celebrated our first anniversary! 

20. Aesthetic: Wearing whatever the fuck I want and calling it Lesbian Fashion. notebooks. embroidery. 

I don’t have many tumblr friends (definitely not 20), but as usual, I’m just tagging some peeps I have (somewhat) interacted with more or less recently: @finngardiumleviosa @pattern-pals @sweetcreaturehome @kajasasasa @sweetthursdays @strugglingclassicist @twopoppies no pressure if you don’t want to do it! 💕

[quiet-night-musings]

Justine and Just Him - The Listahan (00)

Justine and Just The Paper Plane

Juliana's 18th Birthday

"Juliana, anak. You are now 18 and I can see that you are excited. But remember, it also comes with responsibilities. Hindi mo na mawawala sa amin ng Papa mo ang mag-alala para sa'yo. But also remember that we are here for you. To support you. To take care of you. To love you. Have fun and enjoy the grownup things you can do now that you are officially 18. Happy birthday, Juliana! We love you!"

Elisa's 18th Birthday

"Let's ask the debutante!"

"What are you most excited about now that you are 18?"

"I can now drive a car!" Eli giggled.

Sabrina's 18th Birthday

"We heard that you did something interesting before you turned 18. Can you share it with us?"

"I went to Ilocos and traveled alone," Sab shyly answered.

"Wow! Do your parents know about it?"

"Yes. They even informed the hotel that I'm traveling alone and booked a room for me."

"Why did you think about traveling alone? Did your parents easily agree with your plan?"

"Uh... Dad was against it. Actually, both of them were against it at first. But I talked to them that I wanted to try solo travel. They wanted to go with me but it will only ruin the plan of solo traveling."

"Paano mo sila napapayag?"

"I just told them that I'll still leave whether they'd allow me or not. Maybe they realized na baka maglayas ako kung hindi nila ako payagan."

"Maybe they realized that they should trust you. But after all, they are your parents. And we can't take it from them to worry."

"Yeah, sa sobrang worried nila, I was on the bus to Ilocos and they called me every hour."

Everyone in the ballroom roared in laughter.

Angelica's 18th Birthday

"This is one of the days that we are excited about. But your Dad said this is the day he fears the most," Geli's mom joked and the guests laughed. "You are officially 18. You not only gain legal rights and responsibilities but this is also an exciting time of your teenage life. Many things will change as you reach the legal age. But remember that my love and your Dad's love for you will never change. Happy birthday, Angel!"

Tonette's 18th Birthday

"Does our debutante have any plans as she turns 18?"

"Ah.. siguro... I want to get a tattoo."

Rosie's 18th Birthday

"Is there something that scares you now that you are 18?"

"Uhm... getting jailed."

The guests laughed at Rosie's answer.

Cheska's 18th Birthday

"Our debutante has a surprise for everyone!"

"Yes! I'll be making cocktail drinks later for all of you. That's one of the things I tried to learn before my birthday."

"What's your favorite cocktail to make?"

"Almost everything. I enjoyed making them, but I love Margaritas, Pina Colada, Bloody Mary, and vodka spritz."

Fritzie's 18th Birthday

"Thank you sa lahat na mga bumati at pumunta ngayong gabi. I am deeply touched by your birthday greetings. To Mommy and Daddy, thank you for making my birthday extra special. I wouldn't be here right now if not for both of you. To my best friends, thank you for always being there for me. Huwag muna kayong umuwi. May usapan tayong uminom hanggang alas-dose!"

"We're going to get drunk!" a friend of Ate Fritzie yelled.

Joyce's 18th Birthday

"Salamat kay Mama at Papa na nag-plano para sa birthday ko. Akala ko hindi ako makakapag-celebrate pero na surprise ako."

"And you surprised your parents, too!"

"Hala... sorry po, Pa. Hindi ko naman po itatago. Naghahanap lang po ng tamang timing."

The guests laughed at Joyce.

"So is it true?"

"Po?" Jo asked shyly.

"That you have a boyfriend? Itatago natin sa pangalang Kent?"

Joyce couldn't hide her embarrassed smile. She slowly nodded and blushed when everyone in the room teased her.

"I went to see my favorite band."

"Already did that."

"I burnt all my teddy bears!"

"Why would you burn a teddy bear?" I was puzzled.

"Slumber party with friends."

"We did that on Quennie's birthday."

"I swam with the sharks in South Africa!"

"I want to have some fun. Not to get eaten," I jested.

"I got an autograph from Taylor Swift!"

"How can I get an autograph from Taka?" I wondered.

"Gave up my virginity the night before my 18th."

"No," I dismissed the idea instantly.

"Stole a road traffic sign."

"That is against the law."

"I cut my own hair for my 18th birthday!"

"I can't even draw a straight line. Maggupit pa kaya?" I chuckled.

"Went outside of Las Vegas for 24 hours. Just to get away from my home state. T'was fun!"

"Nagba-biyahe naman ako araw-araw palabas ng siyudad. So counted na yon di ba?"

"I wrote a book. My autobiography."

"Sigurado hindi ko 'to matatapos. Sorry. No."

"Joined a boxing match. And I won $300."

"And you came home with a black eye," the brother interrupted.

"No to violence," I reminded myself.

"Y'all should try navel piercing."

I glanced down at my navel. "I don't think Mom and Dad will be happy if they find out."

"Smoke a tobacco."

"Smoking is dangerous to your health."

"Apply for a passport."

"I already did a long time ago."

"I went to a strip club. And met my boyfriend in there."

"Nah uh!"

Exhausted, I lied down the freshly mowed grass of the village park. It's nice here. Not every village has a regularly maintained park with lots of foliage and benches where the homeowners can relax. And the breeze... oh I love the cool breeze.

My favorite spot to unwind is under the shades of the trees. What a wonderful sense of relaxation it provides.

I could just lie here and sleep until the sun bids farewell for the day. If I'm lucky enough, I get to hear the birds singing. They sing with such vigor like it's early in the morning. Ahh... it's lovely. It's peaceful. I wish it's like this every day.

"Ikaw lang naman 'tong nag-iisip ng kung ano-anong gawin sa buhay mo." I groaned and opened my eyes only to be greeted by the sunlight passing through the leaves. Hindi naman masakit sa mata dahil hapon na pero ang liwanag pa rin at dumagdag sa sakit ng ulo ko.

Paanong hindi sasakit? Eh sa buong oras na ginugol ko rito sa park ng village, binalikan ko ang mga 18th birthday videos ng mga kaklase at pinsan ko. Pinanood ko lahat. I even took down notes of what I thought special about their debut.

What struck me the most are the things they did before and after they turned 18. They sure had fun and learned something from what they did. And I want that too. I want to do different things before I turn 18.

The question now is what will I do?

Tinanong ko na rin si Google kung ano-ano ang mga exciting na bagay na pwedeng gawin bago mag 18 pero ang mga nabasa at napanood ko... kakaiba. Kung hindi iinom, magta-travel. Kung hindi travel, labag naman sa batas. Ang iba sakit sa katawan ang resulta.

I sighed in frustration. I raised the piece of paper I was holding and mentally read what I have listed so far. It's not that bad, but I'm having second thoughts.

"Ugh! Why is this so hard? Do I really have to do this? Hindi lang naman ako siguro ang babae sa mundo na hindi pa nagagawa ang mga 'to! Sino ba kasi unang nakaisip nito? And why do I bother making this list? Kailangan ba before mag 18 talaga? Para naman akong may taning sa buhay nito! Waste of time," I complained.

I crumpled the paper and planned to throw it in a nearby trash bin but I stopped halfway. I'm not supposed to litter. I tapped my back shirt and shorts as I stood up and sat on the bench. I ironed the paper with my palms and made a paper plane. Within seconds, I let the plane fly and it successfully landed at its destination: the trash bin.

I raised my head to a cloudless blue sky. It looks empty. A perfect canvas to paint it with some yellow, white, and red.

"Goodbye, my stupid list. Hello, responsibilities." Ang drama ko. Ang daming arte.

"I think it's just right. I'm a graduating senior high student and I have my plate full right now. I can still enjoy and do them after graduating, right? I can still do those things when I'm 19, 20, or 30?"

Ugh! I shut my eyes and groaned. "Uwi na nga ako!"

I ambled on my way out of the park. There was this heavy feeling in my chest and I know exactly why. It's been decided, I decided not to push through the plan of doing whatever I listed down. It's fine. I will be fine. I will still be a healthy teenage girl even without the list. I kept on convincing myself. But who am I kidding? Here I am, walking towards our house with a long face.

"Ah! I'm going to do it!" I blurted and rushed back to the park, straight to the bin where the paper plane landed.

"Nasaan na?" Wala na ang eroplanong papel sa basurahan. "Wala namang flight 'yon!"

I scoured the bin but it was not there. Paanong nawala 'yon dito? Impossibleng liparin 'yon ng hangin eh hindi naman puno 'tong basurahan. Pwera kung natumba 'to. Pero hindi, eh! Kung nilinis na ng maintenance ang laman ng mga basurahan, dapat walang natira. Eh bakit ito nasa kalahati pa rin ang basura sa loob?

Frustrated that I couldn't find my list from the bin, I stomped my foot hard and scurried back home.

"I'm gonna make a new one!" I declared and started writing the listahan.

"Who says I'm still young to do it? I'm not going to wait until I'm 30 to do all of them. I have time! I will do it! And no one can stop me!"

What could possibly happen? Who knows? Right now, I see nothing but great things. I'm turning 18 and I'm gonna prove to them that I know how to be responsible for my actions.

Pero... saan napunta ang unang listahan ko?

*another slow burn. once a month update :P

[all-the-love-harold]

Paris in October - Part 2

Find Part One Here xx 

“Holy hell Suze, you’ll never guess who I just met in Paris!!!”

“It’s not Mike is it? He didn’t fly over there to win you, back did he?”

“No, he was the one that broke up with me remember”

“Good, because you’re too good for him anyway”

“You’re missing the point! Guess who was staying in the room next door to mine last night”

“Idk, some hot French guy”

“He’s not French, he’s British”

“Am I supposed to know who he is?”

“Yeah, he’s famous and you love him”

“Can’t be that famous if he’s staying in the same hotel as you”

“Hey, Mike payed for it, and he never cancelled it so here I am, in a fancy hotel”

“Who is it then?!!!”

“GUESS!!”

“Give me a hint!”

“You share a birthday with him, he’s in a boyband you used to have his name in your Instagram bio”

“OMG NO FUCKING WAY”

“NO, YOU’RE NOT STAYING NEXT DOOR TO HARRY STYLES”

“THAT JUST CANNOT BE TRUE”

“It’s true, I was out on my balcony this morning eating my breakfast and he heard my music playing and came an introduced himself”

“He invited me to his show tonight, he’s having a car pick me up at 6”

“OMG!”

“What are you going to wear?!?!”

“I don’t know if I should go casual or fancy”

“Somewhere in the middle”

“I’m going shopping, I’ll send you photos of things I find, and you can tell me what to do”

“Keep me updated!”

Part of you couldn’t believe that this was really happening, while it had never really been a dream of yours to have anything to do with Harry Styles, you really loved his music, and having the chance to see him in concert was going to be great. After spending the whole morning shopping with absolutely no luck, you had come back to try on thousands of different outfits and had thrown clothes all over the room before you finally found something that was somewhere in between casual and fancy that you felt comfortable in.

Just as you started to tidy your room up again, you heard a knock on your door, confused by who it could possibly be, you checked yourself in the mirror, making sure you looked presentable, and answered, only to find Harry waiting on the other side

“Hi Love, you weren’t out on your balcony, so I figured you’d be inside unless you’d gone out for the day”

“I’m still here” you laughed, looking over your shoulder to make sure there was no underwear in his line of vison.

“Just wanted to let you know, there’s a car coming for you at 6, reception will call your room when it gets here, and it will take you to the back entrance of the venue and someone from my team will meet you there and show you to my dressing room where me and the band will be until we go on at 9”

“That sounds great! Can I bring anything?”

“Just your pretty little face is enough” flashing that smile of his at you again, making you blush

“I think I can remember that”

“I hope so, I’ve got to get going now, but I’ll see you later”

“Bye Harry” you waved good bye watching him walk down the hallway a little before closing the door behind him.

***

As the afternoon went on you started to get a little nervous, trying anything to keep you distracted until it was time to leave. You had no idea what Harry wanted out of this and you found it hard to tell if he was flirting with you or if he was just incredibly charming. Either way, you were happy to go along with it and see what happens, if nothing else it was chance to see some of your favourite music live, something that you rarely got to do back home.

6 O’clock rolled around and you were ready to go when your room phone rang to let you know that the car was ready and waiting downstairs. You grabbed your bag and touched up your lipstick one last time before making sure that you had your room key to get back in after the show and headed down stairs.

Harry had gone all out on the car, when you got in there was a glass of champagne waiting for you with a hand-written note next to it

“Enjoy the ride through Paris, can’t wait to see you. Love. H x”

You took a sip of the champagne, and rested your head on the window, watching as the city passed you by, you weren’t entirely sure where you were going but you were happy to see the sights out your window. The drive was much shorter than you had expected and before you knew it the door was being opened for you and you were greeted by a man named Jeff

“Hi Y/N, I’m Harry’s manager, Jeff, he’s waiting for you in his dressing room” he said ushering you into the venue, scanning the area to make sure no fans saw you going in

“Hello!” you greeted him nervously, wishing it was Harry that had met you at the door, but understanding that that would probably have caused chaos. “So does he do this often?” you asked as Jeff lead you down the hallway and up a flight of stairs to where Harry and the band were hanging out before the show

“What? Invite girls that he’s met on hotel balconies to his shows?”

“Yeah”

“It’s not something I’ve ever known him to do, and I’ve known him for a few years now, he hasn’t stopped talking about you since we got here”

You smiled at the idea of him talking about you, as Jeff opened the door to the dressing room, showing you in

“Y/N!” Harry exclaimed, getting up to greet you his face beaming at the sight of you “You look wonderful” he said wrapping his arms around you, embracing you in the warmest hug you’ve ever had

“Thanks” you said quietly, very aware that there were four other people in the room that you hadn’t met but assumed they were his band

“Are you going to introduce us or are we just background noise now that balcony girl is here” sounded a voice from the couch

“Sorry, Y/N this is Adam” he said pointing to the man that just spoke “and that’s Clare next to him”

“Hiya! It’s lovely to meet you” she said

“You too”

“And over there is Mitch and Sarah, they’re totally in love so avert your eyes if you’re not a fan of PDA” he chuckled

“We’re not as bad as he makes it sound, he’s just lonely” Sarah countered back, making Mitch giggle but remain silent otherwise, flashing you a polite smile before returning to quiet conversation with Sarah

Harry brushed her comments off without much of a thought “How was the drive?”

“It was beautiful, I really do love this city”

“Did you get my note?”

“I did, and the champagne was lovely too”

“Can I get you another?”

“I’m alright for now, I might have one later”

“How about food? Have you eaten? There’s food down the hall if you want any”

“I’m all good Harry, I ordered room service while I was getting ready” You could tell he was nervous, but you guessed it was because he was about to perform in front of a large crowd and Suze had told you that this was his first show on the European leg of the tour, which you assumed added to the nerves.

“Organised, I like it, let me show you around then” opening the door and showing you out

“Where are we going”

“Doors are about to open, we’re going to watch everyone come in”

“Like on stage?”

He laughed “No, that would cause a riot, we’ll be able to see from the side of the stage, but they won’t be able to see us.” His hand brushed against your own as he spoke, and eventually he took hold of it, and leading you down the hallway, hand in hand.

“That seems a bit cruel” you laughed

“Feeds my ego” he said as you reached the side of the stage, you could hear the fans and you could feel the excitement in the air, watching them run to the barriers, reminded you of when you had been to Ed Sheeran and waited out in the heat just to get close to the front, only to get pushed back right before he came out, and you were glad to be watching from the side of stage this time.

“Have you ever done that?” You asked, curious to know more about him

“When I was younger, before all this happened” He gestured around the room “Never got close to the front though, my Mum would never let me get there early enough, you?”

“Once, For Ed Sheeran, me and my friends waited out all day, I got sunburnt through my clothes and then once we got in there was a massive thunderstorm and we all got rained on, but it was worth it, one of the best nights of my life”

“Ed puts on a great show and I think he would be impressed that you got sunburnt through your clothes”

“I was pretty impressed myself” you giggled and Harry smiled down at you, glad to have you there, even if he had only met you that morning. MUNA appeared from the hallway, looking like they were ready to go onstage

“We better go” Harry said, “Let them warm up, we’ll come back and watch when they’re on” he turned around and smiled at MUNA, high fiving all of them “Smash it girls, get them pumped”

He grabbed your hand again and lead the way back to the dressing room, where you spent the next hour laughing and joking with Harry and the band. This was the first time since Mike had broken up with you that you hadn’t thought about having him there with you, you finally felt free.

8:45 rolled around and Harry was still wearing jeans and a t-shirt and the band was still in their casual clothes too.

“H, would you please go and see hair and make now please, you should be dressed already” Jeff came in, looking stressed, needing Harry to get a move on so he would be on stage on time. “Y/N you can come up to the balcony with me and we’ll watch from up there”

“Sorry love, got a show to put on” he said placing a gentle kiss on your forehead before heading off to get ready

You, Jeff and a few other members of the crew were watching from the upper balcony. You could finally see what Suze had been raving about for years, Harry was a true performer, he drew the crowd in from the second that curtain dropped and it was truly magical to witness his music live. Throughout the show, he kept looking up to where you stood and smiling, you were sure he couldn’t see you but the thought of him looking for you in the crowd made you feel all kinds of things that you hadn’t felt in years.

Just as he was finishing his final song, Jeff tapped you on the shoulder, “let’s go stage side so we can meet him when he comes off.” So you followed him back down to the stage where you had seen the fans rush in just a few hours ago, and met a very sweaty and adrenaline filled Harry

“That was incredible Harry, thanks for making me come”

“Thanks for being here love, I’m glad you enjoyed it, lets go sit down, I’m exhausted” he exhaled and put his arm around your shoulder. You were enjoying all the physical contact, something about Harry was extremely comforting and having his arm around you felt like the most natural thing in the world. You made you way back his dressing room and sat down on the big couch that Mitch and Sarah were sitting on when you arrived. Harry grabbed two glasses and filled them with champagne, handing you one and sitting down next to you.

“I could see you up there, you looked like you were having a good time”

“I had a wonderful time, I loved your cover of The Chain, that’s been one of my favourite songs ever since I was little”

“Me too, it’s a classic. How long do you have left of your trip?”

“Two weeks”

“In Paris?”

“Yeah, my ex booked the trip, and I think he cancelled most of the fun stuff we had booked, because I have nothing left to do”

“What a dick, ever been to London?”

“Not unless you count Heathrow airport on the way here”

“Funnily enough I don’t” he chuckled, “If you’ve had enough of Paris, why don’t you come back to London with me?”

“I don’t know Harry” you took a sip of your champagne, which you were sure was worth more than you earnt in a day “I only just met you”

“I really like you Y/N, I know we only met today, but this can’t be the last time I see you, come back to London with me, I’ll make this the romantic trip you had planned, it will just be in London instead”

“I really shouldn’t”

“You’re right, you probably shouldn’t but life’s too short play it safe all the time”

“That reminds me a lot of something my best friend used to tell me all the time when were in high school”

“And what was that exactly”

You blushed a little “Life’s too short to pretend not to like Harry Styles”

He laughed loudly and took a sip of champagne “She’s right, take her advice and come back to London with me”

“I guess I don’t really have a choice now do I?”

“Not really love”

Well that was part two! I hope you enjoyed it. It took me a lot longer to write than I expected it to but I’m really happy with it. Feel free to send me any ideas that you have for the next part, if there’s anything you’d love to see happen let me know! 

I’ve already started writing part three so it shouldn’t be more than a few days away, but in the mean time I will probably write some little blurbs so send your requests for those in too! 

Master list 

[timemachineyeah]

Tagged by @missmashmain​!

Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better    if you see this and it looks like fun, do it and say I tagged you.

Nickname(s): Time-Machine was a real-world nickname well before I started using it as online handle, so that. 

Gender: Magical Girl

Sign: Aries, unless you wanna go with the NASA version, then Pisces. Aries doesn’t suit me at all. Pisces is sliiiiggghtly better. 

Height: 5′9″

Time: 6:38 PM

Fav band(s): They Might Be Giants, Kalafina, MUNA, A Great Big World, Queen, Half Acre Day, The Carpenters

Fav solo artist(s): Carly Rae Jepsen, Janelle Monae, Mama Cass, Sufjan Stevens

Song stuck in my head: Since I wrote MUNA up there “So Special” has been playing in my head.

Last movie I saw: Black Panther

Last show I watched: Bob’s Burgers

When did I create my blog: The Dark Times

What do I post: literally every nonsense thing I feel like posting

Last thing I Googled: taco bell chihuahua

Do I have any other blogs: yep! @timemachineliveblogs​ is probably most of interest to anyone out there following me now

Do I get asks: Occasionally. More for my side blogs than here

Why did I chose my URL: Time-Machine was my nickname in high school, but it was taken and I couldn’t think of anything to add so just added “...yeah” - if I could do it over I’d take taleasoldastimemachine, but if I make that my main now I’ll break a bunch of useful links. 

Following: 207 - which is just about my limit before this site gets too distracting and I can’t be productive. Even then I use a lot of blacklists and stuff  ;;>.>

Followed by: 2,958. There are almost certainly some bots I missed and ancient ancient inactive blogs in there. 

Average hours of Sleep: I have all kinds of sleep disorders that I try to work on, so this answer is actually pretty difficult. I sleep A Lot but I never really Feel Rested, and sticking to a sleeping schedule is like some kind of impossible herculean task for me. 

Lucky number: I like when numbers repeat, especially numbers like 4, 7, 8, and 9

Instruments: Flute when I was in school, but it’s been years now

What I am wearing: Teal pajamas

Dream job: Ender of capitalism so I can stop worrying about whether my hobbies and pursuits are potentially profitable and just write or research or whatever. Or, in the real world, screenwriter. 

Dream trip: I want to go everywhere, but also I just want to stay home. 

Fav food: crunchy buffalo chicken

Nationality: USAian

Fav song: Uhm. Maybe “Rainbow Connection” as sung by Kermit the Frog. Or “True Colors” by Cyndi Lauper. Or “Baikai” by Hirasawa Susumu

Last book I read: shit, I don’t remember. It was nonfiction and I checked it out from the LAPL digital library. Something about gene editing. I also am mid about five different YA novels because I have the attention span of a baboon. Off the top of my head, I’m in the middle of the Mortal Engines series. 

Top 3 fictional universes I wanna join: people always answer this with worlds that seem honestly terrifying to me. Like yeah, I have fun with OCs and fanfics, but I would die basically instantly in the Harry Potter or Star Wars universes. Have you seen the mass destruction that plagues the MCU? In Sailor Moon my choices are be a middle school child soldier or be drained of my energy basically weekly. This always makes these questions hard to answer, but, um-

Cardcaptor Sakura, maybe? - everyone is really nice. Ten year olds are alarmingly mature and good at cooking Even when magic gets dangerous, no one ever really gets hurt. Most “villains” are actually just well-meaning people who have to be obtuse about their motivations for a while. Only applicable if I don’t have to bring the rest of the CLAMP-verse with me, because NO THANK YOU. 

Fraggle Rock - muppets are real and the world’s biggest problems can be solved by singing and working together. 

Sailor Moon but only if I get to live in Crystal Tokyo solarpunk utopia. POST BLACK MOON. Or in the AU created by diverging timelines where the Black Moon never happened. Or something. 

[emeraldwaves]

Title: Cacophony Chapter 8 Read from the beginning Music/Band AU Pairing: Mikorei, side Izuseri, Rating: M Word Count:  4,208

AO3 Summary for Ch8: Muna and Suoh deal with the band no longer being together thanks to @its-love-u-asshole for reading this over! Only a couple chapters left

Things should've felt more normal. Should've. Or so Munakata had thought, and yet he felt like he was missing out on so much. A week went by without practicing with Homra, then another, and it wasn't long before it had been almost an entire month with no practice.

That didn't mean Munakata wasn't playing. He'd been working on his original composition much harder than before. Scepter's admission audition was only a few weeks away, and Munakata was still going to audition as planned.

Still, it felt different. He truly did believe his playing had improved, even now as he sat at the piano, writing out the notes of his new original composition, he felt something for the piece. It held a sadness Munakata's music had never depicted before, and depending on his mood, he could also feel anger resonating from his fingertips. He still hadn't quite determined where the emotions came from, but he could finally feel them there.

Before, his music had seemed intelligent, and it had come from a place of his technical talent. There had been nothing wrong, but nothing had been emotionally interesting either. Looking back on the piece he had wrote before, he could see why they had found his music to fall flat.

This time was going to be different. If he could actually finish the damn song.

He'd taken to walking around out in the snow, listening to the bustling noises of the city. The cacophony of sound would swirl in his head like the whooshing of the wind blustering through his bangs. The sounds sometimes inspired him, and it was as though he could hear the beautiful sounds in his head. However he usually heard it as a band, as a combined unit, not just his solo piano music. Then he would return home, sit down to practice, and the sound would feel off. Like it was missing something.

Really his whole life felt like it had been missing something.

He hadn't meant to fall in love with the band, and the style of music, and...

Well, it didn't matter. Suoh had split up the group, decided to leave the rest of them behind, and there was absolutely no way Kusanagi and Yata were going to play without Suoh. It had been such a silly little blip in Munakata's career. It was supposed to only be a gig for a few months, then he would move on once he had the life experience.

Which he now had, and yet, for some reason, he missed it. He missed practices.

"How has the new composition been coming along?" Awashima asked. She had stopped by to pick up a few music books Munakata had borrowed during what he had called his 'planning phase'.

"Ah, it is much better than my last, Awashima," he chuckled. "Though...I still feel like it's missing something. Or perhaps I am missing something."

"You were rehearsing quite frequently in a completely different genre of music for a long time," Awashima stated, always true to the facts. "Maybe you miss playing more casually?" she suggested.

"I suppose it very well could be that," Munakata admitted. "The thought has crossed my mind. How is Kusanagi doing?" he asked, genuinely curious about the man's well-being.

A soft blush slipped across Awashima's cheeks, as it always did whenever either of them brought up the topic of Kusanagi. "I think he's trying to decide what direction to take his life in," she said. "I know he wants to keep playing music, but he feels strange doing so without Yata and Suoh."

"Yes, well Suoh made his choice quite clear," Munakata snapped.

"I take it you haven't spoken to him then?" Awashima asked. "Izumo asked me if you had, but at the time I didn't have an answer for him. I suppose I do now."

"Indeed," Munakata said, regaining composure. "I have not spoken to him since. He is not much of a talker anyway, so I don't see the point. I don't foresee him changing his mind."

Awashima nodded. "Izumo seemed to think the same thing, but this wasn't for his lack of trying," she sighed. "I think he goes to Suoh's apartment almost everyday," she explained. "He wants to make their band work. Would you...go back if they asked you?"

For a moment, Munakata wasn't quite sure how to respond. Of course there was a part of his heart which was desperate to return to the rush of feelings he'd felt upon that stage, and yet, it also felt so impossible. He had a goal, and he wished to stick to it. Munakata wasn't the type to give up, and he'd been shooting for Scepter University for so long, he couldn't imagine changing his mind to go do something else. Perhaps he could try and do both?

"I...apologize if that was an odd question?" Awashima's voice broke through the silence and Munakata blinked for a moment, shaking his head.

"Ah...no it was not. I suppose I hadn't thought much about it, since it does not seem to be a possibility, even in the near future. Besides," he said, pressing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I really am focused on my audition, and you and I both know if I am accepted I would have barely any free time."

"...True," she said, though Munakata did not miss the slight hesitation in her voice.

He said goodbye to Awashima, ready to return to his piano for the evening. He felt as though he was close to finishing the composition, and then he could make tweaks and rehearse it. Perhaps he simply needed to get over the challenge of writing.

And yet, even as he sat down to focus, he found his mind drifting once more, to the stage, to the sound of the music resonating across the audience, to Suoh's voice. The truth was he adored that rush, and if Suoh came back, Munakata most likely would've jumped at the chance to play with them again, even if he felt like he shouldn't...or couldn't.

With a sigh, he brushed his fingers over the keys. He had to focus. Scepter University was what was important now. He was going to continue on his path to becoming a classical pianist, just as he always had planned. He couldn't afford anymore distractions, especially ones which weren't going to follow through.

~~

The snow was beginning to melt, since the spring season was slowly rolling in. The breeze was growing warmer, and Suoh finally could sit outside on his balcony and enjoy a cigarette. Also if he sat out there, the chance of missing Kusanagi was much higher.

His best friend had come over almost everyday since Suoh had decided he didn't want to play in the band any longer. And everyday Kusanagi would ask for the exact same thing. Suoh however, would never relent. He wasn't going back to the band.

He placed the cigarette in his mouth, taking a long drag as he leaned over the railing. He never wanted to touch his guitar again. Never, not without Totsuka, and especially not with stupid Munakata.

Munakata had gotten far too close to Totsuka, and it hadn't sat right with him. It had been a month, and nightly, the concert would haunt Suoh. He would hear the way Munakata's fingers pushed over the keys, the sound echoing in his mind. He hated the thought that he would turn around and see someone playing Totsuka's songs who wasn't him...and he was playing them better.

So he had to end it.

"And what the hell are you going to do now?" Kusanagi had yelled at him. It was no surprise Kusanagi was angry. Hell, Suoh had expected it, but it didn't change his resolve. He wasn't going to play with the band anymore.

"Dunno," he shrugged. "I'll figure somethin' out."

"You can't smoke and sit in your apartment for the rest of your life," Kusanagi had said.

But as far as Suoh was concerned, he was more than happy to do just that. Which admittedly, was what he had been doing for the past month or so. Playing music was too complicated, and it evoked too many feelings Suoh didn't feel like feeling.

There was a knock on the door, like expected, and Suoh rolled his eyes. He knew it wouldn't be the last time Kusanagi tried to get in. Shaking his head, he held the cigarette to his lips and sucked in a long drag, puffing out the smoke. It swirled with the spring breeze, and flew away from his balcony. It would've been easier to do the same.

Sighing, he kept his cigarette between his teeth and opened the door, his face unchanging when Kusanagi pushed past him to step into the apartment. Suoh shut the door behind him, and made his way out onto the balcony.

"So I don't even get a 'hi' now?" he asked.

Suoh shrugged, waving his hand.

"Thanks..." Kusanagi muttered, pulling a cigarette from his own pack as he walked towards the building. "Mikoto...You can keep living like this. You're gonna waste away."

"Yeah?" Suoh grunted, letting another puff of smoke slip from his lips.

"Why did you quit, Mikoto?" Kusanagi sighed, leaning against the railing with him.

"I already told ya'. You've already asked me. I don't want anything to do with music." Kusanagi had forced him in the first place, and Suoh was sticking to his original plan. "I played the damn concert. It was practically a month ago. What the hell do you want from me?" he grumbled, shaking his head.

"I want you to be honest with me. Mikoto."

"I don't want anything to do with music," Suoh grunted.

"Are you scared? Of continuing this path without Totsuka? You actually looked like you were having a good time on that stage, and even during practice."

"I wasn't," Suoh muttered.

"You're being stubborn," Kusanagi said, glaring at his best friend.

Suoh sighed. "Ya'. Stubborn. You've come over here every single day to see if anything would change and it hasn't. I dunno what you're expecting."

"I'm expecting my best friend to pull himself out of this funk and realize what it is he loves doing. I wish you could've seen how great you looked. Hell, we all looked great. And what happened to spreading Totsuka's music? Mikoto, you could write new songs and share them with the world, be inspired by what Totsuka did-"

A long sigh trailed from Suoh's lips while Kusanagi talked. "I already told you Izumo," he mumbled. "We went through this before you practically forced me to come back against my will. I said I didn't want to in the first place, and I don't want to now. The concert changed nothing."

Admittedly, there had been a moment where Suoh had considered it. When he'd taken Munakata's stupid ass to that concert, seen how his face had lit up...He'd realized he liked teaching the idiot about the world of music, he liked seeing Munakata learn new things and grow. But when he got too close, their kiss, the strange feelings which were slowly growing inside of him, Suoh wasn't sure how he felt. It wasn't until Munakata had fully grasped Totsuka's songs, almost to the point of surpassing him, that Suoh realized he needed to stop. Munakata would never be Totsuka. They were nothing alike, and Munakata could never be as good as him. Even if he seemingly was.

Suoh hated that.

Kusanagi sighed, snuffing out his cigarette against the railing. "Fine," he grumbled. "I'll be back tomorrow."

"...right," Suoh grunted. He used to tell him not to bother, but after many weeks of this, Suoh knew it wasn't worth it. Kusanagi would come back whether Suoh wanted him to or not.

The two didn't say anything else and Suoh finished his cigarette, but stayed outside. He wondered for a brief moment what his life would've been like had he chosen to stay a part of the band. It wasn't like Munakata was going to stay with the group. No, he would've left and joined his pretentious university, leaving them all behind. All that work Suoh had done had been so Munakata could push himself forward and forget they had ever existed.

Perhaps that had been part of the reason why he'd quit. He'd never looked at it that way, but now that the thought crossed his mind, it made Suoh angry. There was no point in staying in a group that would have to keep cycling through people, and Suoh wasn't going to teach them how to be little mini Totsukas each time Kusanagi found a new pianist who inevitably wouldn't be good enough.

No, Munakata never would've stayed, and even if he had, Suoh didn't want to get closer to the guy. Suoh didn't want to get close to anyone.

~~

The stage looked exactly the same as it had so many months ago, and Munakata felt his hands begin to tremble. He wasn't the type of person to get nervous, but something about reliving the experience from before, made him feel uncomfortable.

The stage felt cold, and unwelcoming, the light shining down on the solo piano was enough to make Munakata feel nervous. He didn't know why though; a little over a month ago, he'd played piano in front of a huge crowd of people. And that hadn't even been a genre he was truly familiar with.

Before the classical stage had always felt like his home, but now, he wasn't so sure what he felt exactly. However, he knew it was a feeling he didn't much enjoy.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way out to the stage, bowing to the small group he was about to perform for. "Hello, my name is Munakata Reisi, and this will be my original piece performance," he said.

A man gestured for him to take a seat. "Whenever you are ready."

Nodding, Munakata pulled out the bench and sat in front of the grand piano. He placed his fingertips against the keys, and shut his eyes. He smiled for a moment, letting the thrill wash over him. This time he was going to do it, this time he was going to be successful. He would walk out of this building, prepared to be a student in the spring; he was sure of it.

With a sigh, he pressed his fingers down on the keys, and began to play. He knew his piece by heart now, and he glided through the beginning, a slower more somber part of the piece. The music felt like it flowed from his fingertips, and though it didn't have the same rush as performing on the concert stage had, Munakata could still note the difference in times he'd been on this particular stage.

The tempo of the piece began to pick up; Munakata's fingers pressed harder against the keys as the anger began to seep through. It was so frustrating, how different things felt now. It was as though Suoh had ruined him. Perhaps ruined wasn't the proper word. Changed? Classical music was his life, and he could tell this piece was exceptional. Scepter University would truly be crazy to not accept him after this, but Munakata didn't feel the same thrill he had while playing with HOMRA, and he despised that.

His fingers angrily slammed down on the keys, his emotion shooting through his fingertips. How dare Suoh change everything he'd known about music. Yes, perhaps he was a better performer now, as much as Munakata hated to admit that, but also he hated that the joy he'd felt had seemingly dissipated.

Or maybe he'd never really felt joy at all.

Finally, he moved into the final movement of the song, a somber ending, laced with a bit of resentment.

All his life, he'd wanted to do exactly what he was doing now. Sit on a stage by himself, and wow the classical world with his talent, skill, and art. He was finally capable of doing so, and yet he felt as though something was missing. The loud roaring of the crowd at the end of a song, Suoh's grungy vocals which were so incredibly captivating it wasn't fair. He missed HOMRA, that stage was where he wanted to be, not this one. This one was far too lonely, and empty.

But he didn't have much of a choice. HOMRA didn't exist anymore, and this stage had beckoned to him, had been his 'dream' for so long. Munakata had no choice but to push forward. His fingers danced over the keys as he played the last few lines, filled with a resignation to the fate he had chosen for himself.

He pulled his hands back, opening his eyes, and he waited for some kind of response. Slowly he turned his gaze towards the audience, trying to gauge what they could possibly be thinking. All of them were sat, mouths open, staring at him.

Finally, one of the men stood up and began to clap, the others now following suit. All of them cheered and clapped, and it took Munakata a minute to process what was happening. Months ago, this would've been his proudest moment, but Munakata didn't feel much of anything.

He stood up from the bench and bowed, stepping forward to the front of the stage where he had spoken to them before.

"Excellent," the man in front of him said. "Simply, excellent. It seems you really took our criticism to heart. It was like watching a different man up there!" He was so excited, so Munakata pulled his lips into a smile.

"I thank you," he replied, and bowed once more. "I've been working on this original piece for quite sometime now."

"And it greatly shows," A woman continued. “Your improvement shows just how capable you are. And in such a short amount of time."

"We'd be happy to offer you a position at our school. You have definitely earned it," the man said.

"Thank you so much," Munakata smiled, and bowed once more. "I am very grateful that you have given me this opportunity, and that you even gave me the opportunity to prove myself once again. I know not many people are given a second chance."

"You have an extremely promising future here," the man said. "We could tell your technical performance was absolutely perfect, and when we gave you instructions to better yourself, you did. We could not be more pleased with your results. So, I take it we will see you in the spring?"

Bowing one more time, Munakata nodded. "Of course," he said, smiling widely.

"Marvelous!"

Grabbing his music, Munakata exited the stage. He had finally been admitted to the greatest music program, and he knew he should be happy. He should've been elated, thrilled and any other word one could think of for happy. And yet, as he exited the building, he couldn't help but wonder if he was making the right choice.

~~

"I hear Munakata got in to that Scepter University he wanted to get into," Kusanagi said, letting out a puff of smoke into the air.

"Tch," Suoh scoffed. "Figures."

"You sound mad?"

"Not mad," Suoh grumbled.

"You sound it," Kusanagi teased, gripping the railing with his hand, he leaned back, staring up at the sky. "What did you expect him to do?"

"Nothing. I expected him to do that," Suoh said, shrugging his shoulder.

Kusanagi chuckled softly. "Yeah I guess he did kinda join our band with the idea that he would leave after everything was said and done so he could do his university shit."

"Yup," Suoh said, shoving his cigarette aggressively against the railing as he turned around and headed back inside. He walked towards the kitchen, and grabbed a beer, plopping down on the couch.

Kusanagi's brow furrowed, and Suoh hated that look on his face. It usually meant Kusanagi was thinking about something Suoh would not want to talk about, and he was going to bring it up, whether Suoh wanted to talk about it or not.

"You really do seem mad," Kusanagi chuckled, grabbing his own beer to take a seat next to him.

"Izumo. M'not," he grunted, taking a long swig of his beer.

With a sigh, Kusanagi leaned forward. "Lemme ask you something."

"You're gonna anyway," Suoh muttered, leaning against the arm of the couch.

"Would you have stayed with HOMRA if you thought Munakata was going to stay?" Kusanagi asked and Suoh sighed.

That was exactly the question he'd been expecting, and it was just another question Suoh had no desire to answer.

"S'got nothing to do with him..." Suoh muttered. "He was just a shitty replacement for Tatara."

"Yeah at first. We needed a pianist, but I think it's more than that," Kusanagi said. "The two of you got pretty close."

"We didn't..." Suoh groaned, and pushed himself off of the couch. "Izumo. I don't want anything to do with Munakata. No one would be as good as Tatara, especially not him."

Kusanagi frowned and stood up. "Are you really going to spend the rest of your life hung up on Totsuka? Look, I know you loved him. I get that it was incredibly devastating to lose him, he was one of my best friends, and he should never have died like that. But what do you think Totsuka would say if he saw you like this? Saw you sitting around doing nothing? Do you know how mad he would be?" he hissed.

"Izumo," Suoh rolled his eyes lazily. "Don't bring Tatara into this."

"I will, because I know that's the only sort of thing you listen to. And you know I'm right," he snapped. "Munakata is incredible, and you know that too. Hell, you liked him. Don't even try and deny it. I know you two haven't been talking anymore since you quit, but he was good for the band, he was good for you!" Kusanagi yelled.

"I dunno what you want me to do Izumo," Suoh sighed. "I'm not coming back to the band, and even if I had stayed, Munakata would've left. I'm not going to keep training people to play Totsuka's songs half-assed."

"Munakata didn't play them half-assed and you know that," Kusanagi accused.

"Izumo, shut it. Stop telling me what I know. If you think I know it, why the hell are you talking to me?"

"Because you won't say it. Did you ever consider asking Munakata to stay?"

Suoh froze. It was such a damn catch-22. Asking Munakata to stay would've meant accepting that he was Totsuka's replacement, and it meant he might actually stick around. Which in turn meant that Suoh would have to stay a part of the band, something he was hell bent on not doing.

"He wouldn't have," Suoh said finally. It was easier to push the blame on that asshole.

Kusanagi frowned. "Y'know, I think you're wrong. At the end of everything...he seemed really happy. I mean I didn't know him as well as you, but it really seemed like he wanted to...keep playing with us."

"Yeah, well he's got a fancy university now."

"So you're not even willing to try? We could keep the band, and play together," Kusanagi asked.

"I told ya' I didn't wanna do that anyway."

"Even if Munakata was there?" Kusanagi asked. There was hope in his voice, as though he'd finally found the reason why Suoh had quit, and he was partially right. Partially.

"...yeah," he grumbled.

Kusanagi chugged back the rest of the beer. "Fine. Be stubborn," Kusanagi grunted. "I don't care anymore. When you realize that you're doing exactly what Totsuka wouldn't want you to do, come find me, and maybe we can actually do what we're good at doing. And maybe when you realize Munakata is good for you, you'll actually try and talk to him again."

After his speech, Kusanagi immediately stormed out the door, slamming it behind him. In the silence, Suoh wondered if this meant Kusanagi was going to finally give up on getting the band together.

He pursed his lips and glanced around the room, his eyes falling on his guitar. He hadn't touched it since the concert. He hated when Kusanagi spoke these things out loud because he was always fucking right, and he made Suoh actually think. Totsuka would be incredibly mad if he knew Suoh was sitting around doing nothing.

'You're the best guitar player I know!'

'I love your voice, Mikoto!'

The words echoed in his head again...and he hated it. Just as how Totsuka's voice had convinced him to play the concert, it was starting to convince him not to give up music, not to give up Munakata.

'Don't think, just go.'

With a grunt, Suoh began pacing around the room. Don't think, just go. Totsuka was right. Totsuka was always right. Grabbing his jacket, Suoh yanked the door open and left his apartment, heading for the place he needed to go.

[lordendsavior]

Harry Styles is a faithful disciple of silence. He rarely does interviews, and when he does he speaks with charm and cheek while avoiding any nuggets of actual information that could be described as revealing. Until he started doing press around his debut solo album this spring, giving him various bits of artwork and magazine covers to screengrab, his Instagram looked like an A-Level photography project—full of dramatically monochrome shots of infrastructure and food. His Twitter timeline is essentially a corkboard littered with messages expressing thanks to his fans, structured like love letters from a husband in the trenches—"See you soon. Love. H."

In our climate of oversharing, his withholding nature may conveniently double up as a watertight marketing tactic, creating a shroud of mystery that's inherently desirable (what's he wearing today? What's he eating for breakfast? What does he do when he's not making scheduled public appearances?). But for him, it's more than that – "When I go home, I feel like the same person I was at school," he told Rolling Stone earlier this year, "You can't expect to keep that if you show everything."

This is why you don't often see Harry Styles among the names that frequent the daily aggregated news cycle of and Person Says Thing > The Thing is Outrageous! > Actually, The Thing Is Very Nuanced > Ugh, Someone Has Said Something Else Now. He has, to paraphrase someone he once dated, removed himself from the narrative. But, at the same time, Styles has created a narrative that exists just between him and his fans. Simply put: he cares about them, very sincerely and very unabashedly. Which isn't unusual—Lady Gaga is a perfect example of the often very intimate way fandom culture works today—but Harry Styles is muse to such a vast number of teenage girls, a demographic whose interests and opinions are rarely taken seriously by music critics or society at large, that his respect for them takes on a different meaning. It's a relationship best summarized by the following quote from Styles in that Rolling Stone interview: "Who's to say that young girls who like pop music—short for popular, right?—have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That's not up to you to say." He goes on: "Teenage-girl fans—they don't lie. If they like you, they're there. They don't act 'too cool.' They like you, and they tell you. Which is sick."

This was also the defining characteristic of One Direction's relationship with their fandom. They knew exactly who elevated them from bronze winners of a generic talent contest to global superstardom, they knew exactly who kept them there, and in return they gave them what they wanted. In the wake of their split, journalist Anna Leszkiewicz described One Direction as "a towering monument to the power of teenage girls."

It would have been both a strange and fairly stupid move for Styles to abandon that relationship moving into his solo career, but if anything he seems to have doubled down. He still doesn't say a great deal to the press, save for the endless shouts of appreciation for the people who make his life possible—namely, his fans and faves (artists like Stevie Nicks, to whom Harry Styles owes much of its inspiration)—but over time he's fostered a channel of trust that means his shows have become as close to a safe space as is possible for young girls to get as far as experiencing live music is concerned.

Harry Styles is currently touring Europe. He passed through London last weekend, with fans arriving to camp outside Hammersmith's Eventim Apollo in west London as early as Tuesday. Approaching the venue on Sunday evening, the area outside is deserted. It looks like a Glastonbury camping zone on clean-up day. Duvets are draped over the empty barriers; the floor is littered with foil blankets and carrier bags full of empty sandwich boxes and crisp packets; Pride Flags and Black Lives Matter placards have been taped in place like calls to arms. Everyone is already inside, obviously, and has been for ages. There are about 50 girls camping across the road on a patch of grass underneath Hammersmith flyover so they can be first in line for tomorrow's show. To arrive on time to a Harry Styles show is akin to missing it.

As for inside the venue, you can hardly see the stage for the number of LGBTQ Pride and Black Lives Matter signs held aloft by the audience. In Manchester, people also held up the city's bee symbol. The "I love you"s and "Marry me"s stereotypically associated with teen girl fandom are still very much there in spirit, but their articulation has taken on an actively political tone. The rainbow, the striking black and white of the BLM logo, the Manchester bee—all are symbols of support shared widely on social media, where pop fanbases tend to be most active, exemplifying a generational shift in consciousness towards social awareness. Here, they're brandished less a show of resistance and more as a celebration. People feel comfortable expressing themselves this way because they know everyone in the room is already on their side.

Styles has spoken generally about equality in the press before ("Most of the stuff that hurts me about what's going on at the moment is not politics, it's fundamentals," he told Rolling Stone. "Equal rights. For everyone, all races, sexes, everything"), but it's what he says at his shows, addressing people directly, that means the most to those who care the most. Throughout the night he encourages people to be "whoever you want to be in this room" and continually thanks them "from the bottom of my heart." Someone throws a Pride Flag on stage and he holds it with both hands above his head and runs back and forth across the stage. Someone else throws a French flag and he does the same. Someone else throws a bit of tinsel and he drapes it around his shoulders like a stole.

The room is full of groups of teenage girls hugging each other, hugging people they didn't know, turning to ask the people behind them if they could see alright. Anyone crammed towards the front has been there from the second the doors opened, denying themselves water or a sit-down so they could be as close to their idol as possible. The show had to be stopped twice to help two girls who fainted in the pit. Harry calmly asked people to take a step back, repeatedly checked if everyone was okay and spoke soothingly about looking after one another. He played "Kiwi" twice because it's what the fans wanted, though not without a bit of showmanship ("if you want us to play it again you're going to have to scream louder than that").

It's also worth noting that, although it was ostensibly The Harry Styles Show, five of the ten people onstage are women. As well as a female drummer and keyboardist playing in his own band, he's being supported by MUNA—a goth-pop trio from LA whose music communicates the emotional disarray of sexuality and relationships, as well as heavier topics like assault, through a specifically queer lens. On stage in Hammersmith this weekend, they repeatedly acknowledged the marginalised communities present within the crowd, providing reassurance that—in this room, at least—they are seen and heard. There are, sadly, so many awful reasons to feel unsafe at any show, but in light of the Manchester Arena bombing, pop shows now carry a particularly horrific association that lingers in the back of your mind and can make you inadvertently take note of the emergency exits. Rather than avoiding it, guitarist/vocalist Naomi McPherson addresses the elephant in the room and reminds people how brave they are for being here at all. Singer Katie Gavin introduces their single "I Know A Place"—essentially the San Junipero episode of Black Mirror as a song—by describing it as their imagining of an ideal world we should be working towards. "I know a place we can run / Where everyone gonna lay down their weapon," Gavin sings over a dancey four-to-the-floor beat, "Don't you be afraid of love and affection."

For all the talk of inclusivity and equal rights often thrown around within subcultural communities like punk, hardcore and indie—predominantly male-dominated spaces that can't seem to go a day without someone in a band being called out as abusive—it strikes me as significant that this is one of the few shows I've ever been to where I've not felt threatened by anyone in the room. And it's not because I am, at 5 feet 3 inches, one of the largest people in this one. It's because Harry Styles supports his fans' politics while they really live it, and as a result his shows have become a place for people to celebrate being whoever they are. The diversity of the room itself speaks to that. He's cheering just as much for his fans as they are for him.

Pop music is accessible and available in ways that more subcultural music isn't, but this dynamic doesn't just present itself anywhere. Justin Bieber shows, ecstatic as they may be, are not largely comprised of kids shouting down racism while overtly celebrating their queerness. Pop, like all music, can often be a form of escapism—a way to forget yourself, especially if being yourself can mean facing a multitude of hardships. The actual content of Harry Styles' music isn't anywhere near political but, because of the way his fans engage with him and each other, his shows inherently are.

Obviously, anything can happen anywhere and anytime. Harry Styles' name on the front of a building can't guarantee the absolute safety of everyone in it. But it does foster a world away from our current one; a world that feels less oppressive and more like MUNA's "I Know A Place." I can't imagine how valuable it is for teenagers to experience that—even if it's just for a night.