#and i actually had to write the text bit

[human-encounters-diary]

Day 16

As the human and I did not share any duties during this particular cycle, I decided now might be a fitting time to inform the Vitrichl about the aforementioned book, which could possibly grant a further insight into Terrans.

Despite the quite serious circumstances we are currently in, I was able to secure a time frame to initiate a conversation regarding this topic.

I repeated the information V-7 had been able to conjure on this as well as other stories and reports on humans.

"There seems to be one…obstacle, though: The book‘s last documented location is in system Skė-51-33, which does not seem to be even remotely near our current route.", I eludicated.

The Vitrichl seemed to consider the information given, keeping in mind the reason the SIIR Noxos usually avoids this particular system: its unfriendly and occasionally aggressive nature.

Concluding, I was able to convince the Vitrichl through the benefits this book could provide in the task of studying humans, causing the Vitrichl to eludicate that changing the route was currently not possible, but as soon as the chance was offered to us, we would make a short detour through this system to retrieve said book, given that the book was still located there.

In the meantime, I was tasked with retrieving as much possible information on this particular and other sources about humans.

Our arrival on Fendaar is imminent, as we are nearing the planet‘s atmosphere. Further reports will follow.

[crown-ov-horns]

I like that Yellowjackets went the "actually, the supposed mental patient is, in fact, a prophet" route.

It's the true horror for Lottie, the Wilderness being real. It's something inside, yes, but it's also a mystical force. It's everywhere. It's the true God (well, Goddess). It's so poetic, I love it. I could write a litany about it. The show executes the "actually, insanity would have been a comfort" trope so well.

I think, the Wilderness is a Lovecraft-level eldritch primordial entity, but folktale instead of sci-fi.

[themoonking]

it’s not actually that weird that people are saying “harry potter was never good, actually” after joanne went full mask off, and no it doesn’t mean that we all secretly think harry potter is amazing but don’t want to admit it. it’s pretty simple actually: most people read harry potter when they were children, when they hadn’t read a lot of other books and therefore didn’t have a lot to compare it to. then every time you reread it as an adult, you’re looking through pretty hefty nostalgia goggles. then, after you’ve realized that joanne is a violent bigot that wants you and / or people you love and care for dead, those goggles are broken and when you attempt to look at hp again you’re more likely to see it’s flaws. it’s not rocket science.

[get-back-homeward]

Now and Then Day

This sideblog began after watching Get Back nagged and nagged at me until finally I started to look closer at context relative to the Beatles discography and suddenly started experiencing these WAIT WHAT moments every day as what I thought I knew got turned inside out. The appeal was in looking at something you knew like the back of your hand from another direction and seeing/hearing something new you hadn’t seen/heard before. But I had no idea we’d get another song to add to the mix in 2023.

I knew Now and Then day would be an experience. I thought I’d have to wait the whole day before listening. But I got lucky and found a few minutes to listen to Now and Then when it was first released this morning. And inexplicably clicked to hear the remastered Love Me Do instead. I cannot explain my brain.

I then tried to start Now and Then and noped out before 15 seconds in. Too overwhelming. Not the right time. I was too rushed and needed more space to mentally prepare for it.

I caught NPR covering the Now and Then release today on my drive home. They had a Lennon biographer (I didn’t catch the name) reviewing the song. He said the song recalls John’s more delicate tunes like Beautiful Boys (sic) and mentioned John started the song in 1970.

Say what?!

Here I was late last night trying to nail down a better date for John’s demo than “late 70s”. Meanwhile, biographers are just here on national public radio pushing lies. Did he have ChatGPT write his comments?

Oh yeah, they also said it was created with AI no qualifier.🤦‍♀️

They played a few snippets of the song including one new piece not in the doc but refrained from playing it in full. It was mostly wrong Beatles facts all segment.

Trying the song a second time hours later, I got through it in one piece but was feeling abit 🥴 about it as a song itself. Having just listened to the original demo was probably a mistake, and I could hear all the seams and feeling the Frankenstein song effect.

Third attempt sounded more together, with the seams not quite as noticeable. I was prepared for the changes, the layering bits from other songs, and noted highlights of the instrumentals: the strings, George’s guitar bits, and Ringo’s flourishes. I love Paul coming through on the future tense certainty of “I will love you” (is that I Will?). Ringo’s shimmering effect choice (is it tams?) is such an entrancing closer. Giles’ score and Beatles recycled bits do mend the seams well once I stop thinking about them too much.

On fourth listen, my biggest notes are questioning why Paul’s harmony with John isn’t more distinct. He shows a lot of restraint here but maybe too much? Did Get Back get to him in other ways than the most obvious? Is he just self-conscious about his own voice? Or is it the limitation of the tech when it comes to harmony mixing?

The strings were what I was most worried about, but their entrance at the 1:15 mark really kicks it up a notch to transition into the singalong. Other standouts are 1:40 with George’s flourish and 2:29 peak with the guitar solo.

Lyrically, it’s the conditional and if I make it through it’s all because of you that haunts in layers of meaning both grim and cathartic that reverberate through time and space.

If John makes it through emotionally to 1980 and has a comeback? Congrats, bud you did it. But he’s stopped physically through no fault of his own. There’s the obvious mourning of that lost potential even 40 years later.

If this song this voice this message of John’s makes it through to 2023 and reaches the public? Well, success there, Paul’s tenacity saw it through with help from many friends. John’s voice and song lives on through Paul’s wish to conjure him by his side. On the Day of the Dead no less. I was reminded of the concept of tulpas today and was knocked back on my heels by the thought.

If John as an artist and Beatles as a band make it through so fans are still listening in 2023? This doubles as a bit of a fan love letter, and thank you for 60 years. Released on the day Beatlemania first appeared in black and white.

But then there’s also a reflector on this. Some original Beatles fans have aged with Paul and Ringo and others have not and aren’t here to share this like John and George. There’s grief and mourning from those still here about those lost, and the song acts as a catharsis. A kind of thank you to the band for being there for fans in good times and bad. The symbiosis of fame between a band and its fans across the decades.

It’s a lot.

I spent some time looking at the youtube comments on the song. Some original fans but many second and even third generation fans. And quite a few stories about a loved one who loved the band and recently passed away like this one:

And this:

But also in there are stories of catharsis and healing.

And many memories of the joy that Beatles music has brought to people’s lives. We all have these stories of how their songs weave into our own life. But it’s the joy that I keep coming back to as the secret sauce to the band’s earliest days. I often think of those early songs more in terms of feeling then anything, and it starts with the first single.

I love the Love Me Do remastering. That harmonica sounds so crisp. The bluegrassy harmonies have never sounded better. The ones on ple-ee-ee-ease still give me chills. Ringo’s drums moved forward in the mix to appreciate that driving beat just a bit more. I can hear the bass too. I can’t wait to hear what the other early Red album tracks sound like.

But next to Now and Then, I’m also looking at the lyrics like I never did before. Why give it another glance? Written by a 16 year old kid, it always sounded a bit juvenile and simple. But suddenly next to Now and Then, there’s a weight to it I never heard before.

Love, love me do

You know I love you

I’ll always be true

So please, love me do

It sounds like a promise. Now and Then is fulfillment of that always. It’s no longer just the whim of a kid. But rather the beginning of 7 decade devotional: To John, to the band, to fans, and reflected back again. The love is reciprocal from all sides.

How’s that for a WAIT WHAT moment? Paul turning the least likely song inside out and backwards. And he didn’t even add a lyrical middle eight.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Misc. photos from the past year or so ~

[rad-roche]

i think the scripting part of comics will come easily to me because Noir Pastiching gets you into the habit of excising absolutely every 'unnecessary' word quote unquote. note i don't say a good habit, but a habit. wow, i'm proud of how this sentence came out. unfortunately, i have to shear off most of it with a surgically applied brick.

[good-beans]

Ahh thank you @fayesdiary for tagging me!! It's time for WIP Wednesday on a Sunday 😎

Here's a little peek at the opening section of a normal au Fuuta-Yuno piece, mostly shown through text messages. I was sad that Yuno has to hide so much of her life/job/self from her friends, so I'm playing around with her gradually being able to open up to Fuuta about things (and him getting a true friend in the process)

Forgive me for not tagging anyone but it's late and I'm eepy but PLEASE I wanna see what people are working on so if you see this come and share some of your wip!!

(I may end up using one of those text screenshot generators, but also maybe not because I have some action sandwiched throughout. It's color coded here, but I don't think the final version will be.)

Hi Fuuta! Sorry to bother you so late, but you took calc last year, right? Can you take a look at this question and tell me if I’m close? [image attached]

Fuuta’s eyes flicked away from his game.

you really think i would know

i barely passed

Eh, figured I’d give it a shot…

It’s due tomorrow and you’re the only one I know up at this ungodly hour 😔

yeah, why are you doing worksheets now?

its past your bedtime 

Every time you say it it’s SO funny!! 🙄

You just wait until next year

Yuno couldn’t help but glance at her little desk countdown to graduation. Still too far off to get too excited. Her fingers kept tapping. 

I was working. I forgot I never finished this earlier lol

this late? they’ve got laws against that you know

oh wait

sorry

Why are you sorry? Thanks for looking out for me though 😘

Fuuta typed in a message. He deleted it. He typed another. Deleted it. 

ill text mikoto. hes up sometimes and probably did better in calc

Aww wait, are you embarrassed? I didn’t know you were such a prude ~ 

im not fucking embarrassed

i didnt think you wanted to talk about it

whatever

Awww you really are flustered! Well, if you ever want I can always come back with some tips for you. For a price, of course, but I’m willing to settle for something easy. That karaoke night coming up, maybe 👀

tips?

God knows you need them, I’ve seen the way you try and talk to Rumerie

excuse me??? like i need your help

Oh riiight, all that action you’re getting at university

You let me know when you spend the night with someone who’s not 2d

She smiled wickedly to herself, picturing the way he’d be fuming. 

fuck off i dont play nasty games like that 

Yeah, you only play really, really cool games, right? What are you playing right now? 

What’s so cool that you’re sacrificing your sleep and well being and school career for?

Fuuta glanced at his game screen. He grimaced.

shut up

[3gremlins]

me, having a small coughing fit: this is it, i finally got The Plague.

also me, looking at my daily pills: oh i forgot to take my asthma meds yesterday and today, it's just my lungs getting mad oops

(let this be a reminder to you too, did your remember to take your meds today?)

[peapod20001]

I’m the type that can and will cry if think too hard <3

[soft-serve-soymilk]

Adventures in writing my English SAC, also known as 550 words of Theon being an angsty bitch,,

[bonestrouslingbones]

sigh. ebony's birthday is at some point this month isnt it.

sigh. i'm not gonna be able to get this idea to combine that with a sort of last hurrah to finally kill off the ask blog format for atbb out of my head am i.

[detransdamnation]

Maybe i am in a bit of a blind spot now but stumbling upon your blog and a few of your last answers made me question - if gender roles were nonexistent in society so the sex a person has wouldnt dictate how they are treated - how could someone develop an unease about something truly neutral? I know there are sex differences in humans and thats what we talk about when we speak of transsexual people - the desire to change sex based on a terrifyingly strong discomfort with the one one has. But i am at a loss when it comes to understanding where would that discomfort even start/be influenced by (again as long as the sex you are would make everything neutral) because i always assumed that its that dichotomy of how society views females and males is what later translates into the literal base of where it comes from which is one’s sex. Then - Would the dysphoria grow out of purely desiring something that one doesnt have along the lines the grass is greener on the other side? Getting to experience sex the way it feels like as the other sex (especially in case of not heterosexual people)? Or only An aesthetic pursue? If the only thing that differentiated us in society would be the biological abilities of our bodies and the appearance of it…why do you think would someone still come up with an idea of desiring the other?

After reading especially the last answer it made me think that after all there must be some truly transsexual people who are just born being transsexual. Thats why i decided to send it because i think you established somewhere that you believe there are no trans people who are trans ”just because”, just because they have a brain of the opposite sex trapped in the wrong body etc.

I hope this makes some sense, its not an attack on anything you said more of a big wonder and desire to understand better and i really hope it comes off this way.

You make total sense. Your message doesn't come off as an attack at all.

Anon, I'll be real with you. I reread my answer on whether or not I believe gender abolition would also abolish dysphoria. I did rush in writing that response, greatly so, so the way I phrased my thoughts was particularly subpar; however, as I was trying to tie everything together in this response to you, I realized that the viewpoint I argued didn't really make sense when I held it up to my other beliefs. So, this is a humble admittance that I was, frankly, talking out of my ass. I'm going to use this as an opportunity to reassess my beliefs on this topic and will be re-answering that question once I have done so.

In the meantime, one of the best ways to assess your beliefs is to argue something you disagree with or are unsure of, so I'm going to double down and continue the argument as if I'm completely confident that it's the truth, if only to hopefully better explain where I was coming from when I wrote my previous response. So, proposed argument: Gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria.

First of all, what causes dysphoria and how does gender fit into that framework? I talked about this at length here [AL] and here [AL]. I specifically want to zero in on something I said in the former link:

I [...] do not personally believe that there is a “main reason” on as to why dysphoria may develop in a young person in all cases. I suppose my own “main reason” would be that I fell into the trans community because I never thought seriously about transitioning prior to that time—but the thing is, even if I hadn’t, I would still be dealing with everything else that influenced my getting to this point. [...] If I were to take the trans community out of that equation, it would just be the influence of the trans community missing.

Let’s replace the influence of the trans community with the construct of gender and let’s fast forward to this hypothetical dream society where gender is not an existent thing. We can apply what I said above. We’ve taken away gender and its influences—but we still have everything else. There are numerous factors that could cause a person to develop sex dysphoria; in a genderless society, we have only taken away one. In order to shut down any possibility of dysphoria developing, we would need to get rid of every single possible factor and influence and that is just not a possible feat. Homophobia is a significant factor in many cases of dysphoria and will remain so in a genderless society unless efforts have been previously made to abolish it. No amount of social change will ever eradicate abuse, which can be a trigger in dysphoria in that (especially long-term) abuse victims are prone to redirecting emotional pain to certain aspects of themselves, especially in an effort to regain control, even though they may not “make sense.” It is also impossible for us to eradicate, for instance, natural aspects of our biology that are just plain inconvenient or uncomfortable, which may become objects of fixation (especially in puberty) and cause a person to develop sex dysphoria thereafter. These are just a few examples off of the top of the head—but they and more may all continue on as potential factors because these things, in and of themselves, do not have anything to do with what we have abolished. They do not cease to be potential precursors to mental illness, such as dysphoria, just because we have taken one precursor away.

But why dysphoria? Why would someone develop sex dysphoria in a genderless society if sexes were seen as entirely neutral? Well, let’s turn our attention to another mental illness that is perhaps most reflective of dysphoria (so reflective, in fact, that some people believe them to be one and the same): body dysmorphic disorder. Body dysmorphia is “a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one's own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it.” One’s “flaws” cause significant distress, even to the point of seeking out cosmetic procedures in an aim to “fix” them. Anything can be a trigger in body dysmorphia, although some of the most common include facial features, hair, skin complexion, and coincidentally, sex characteristics such as breasts, facial hair, or genitals—which are all inherently neutral features. No physical feature is objectively “wrong” or “bad,” “good” or “right,” “pretty” or “ugly.” They just are.

So, then, we could ask the same question: Why would people with this disorder fixate on these features and develop an unease with them if they are truly neutral? We could argue the societal pressure of beauty ideals, and certainly, that is a factor in a lot of cases—but if body dysmorphia were truly an issue of how certain features are seen and treated, exclusively, then by all means and purposes, people who are considered to be conventionally attractive should not also be seen developing the disorder. Marilyn Monroe could be an example of this: considered one of the most beautiful women in the world in her time and years after and yet (was believed to have) struggled with body dysmorphia until the day that she died.

Things don’t have to be “not neutral” in order for someone to not like them. Things can be neutral and still cause one discomfort. Things can be seen and treated as indifferent by the collective and yet still be hated by the individual. Why do non-dysphoric people have insecurities at all? A lot of the time, they don’t have specific reasons. I don’t feel they need to have reasons. Just like I don’t feel dysphoric people need to have an ultimate reason on as to why we would develop sex dysphoria when we could have fixated on any other physical trait.

I think where people tend to get tripped up in these discussions is, they try to apply what they know to be reasonable to mental illnesses and how they present in order to rationalize, to themselves, what we are feeling and experiencing—but in doing so, I feel we easily lose sight of the fact that, even without mental illness, the brain does not need a logical reason to fixate on something, to hate something, to want to get rid of something. Marilyn Monroe having been an icon of beauty did not change the fact that she didn’t like her face—and my not believing in gender does not change the fact that I don’t like my sex and desire to be the opposite. Marilyn continued to feel the way she did because she had body dysmorphic disorder. I continue to feel the way I do because I have dysphoria. Both disorders alter how we perceive reality and cause us to believe things about ourselves that are not objectively true. We desire what we do not have because that is a symptom of the inherently nonsensical disorders that we have. That is all there is to it. That is our “why.”

And I am content just leaving it at that. It is my own personal stance that we cannot chase the logistics behind something that is not logical to begin with. At the end of the day, there is no ultimate reason for mental illness. Mental illness does not need to make sense. Mental illness only needs humanity. It will continue to exist no matter how humanity progresses.

So, under this argument, there are a few different points to be had, main ones being that gender abolition will not necessarily abolish sex dysphoria because gender and sex are not one and the same; to take away gender is to take away only one possible factor in one’s dysphoria; and although outside factors can (and do) influence dysphoria and would continue to do so in a genderless society on account of the previous two points, there’s ultimately no “reason” on as to why dysphoric people would continue to cling on to their sex in this society where the two sexes are seen and treated as the exact same—simply because dysphoria, being a mental illness, does not exist on a plane that is rational.

Considering these viewpoints and assuming that they all coexist in this genderless society, then, it may be easy to conclude, like you did, that some people are just born transgender. I do understand how you may have come to that conclusion after reading my response and even I, looking back, feel like that is what I insinuated, even though I did not mean to and was not coming from that position. To clarify, as I have stated before, I do not believe in the idea of “true trans,” and seeing as this is a belief that I actually hold very true to and have for a long time, I’d like to explain why. This is no longer me proposing an argument that I am merely “considering.” This is me demonstrating what I believe.

There are a few different things to consider in the statement, “People are born transgender,” starting with the implications of what it means to be transgender and specifically the dysphoric aspect of it. To suggest that someone could be born transgender is also to insinuate that someone could be born dysphoric, that someone could be born already set to hate their bodies as they grow older.

Of course, we could be less technical here. You may not be born with mental illness in the literal sense—but you can develop mental illness extremely early on in life. So, under the argument that dysphoria is a mental illness, dysphoria can develop from a very young age, and therefore the child, express (what may be interpreted as) a transgender identity. Okay, fair enough. What I have never received closure on is, if a young child exhibits hatred of any other part of their body for any other reason, it is universally considered abnormal, a red flag, something to treat—but as soon as gender or sex comes into the picture, this self-hatred becomes something to validate.

Let’s say that a young child tells you that they do not like their body. Without any other context, what would your first reaction be? Chances are, you would assume that someone or something in this child’s life has taught or influenced them to think this way, even if only inadvertently, and hopefully, you would rush to tell this child that there is nothing wrong with their body, that they are perfect just the way they are. But let’s say, after probing a little further, this young child tells you that they don’t “feel like” their sex, or that they want to be the opposite (in little kid terms). Would you then change your tune and decide that they were “born that way,” that they hate their body because they were just meant to be the opposite sex instead? If your answer is yes, or your no follows hesitancy, I have to wonder what, specifically, would change your mind. What is it about dysphoria that is so different from any other form of self-hatred? Moreover, what implications do you think there are in a child telling someone they presumably trust that they are uncomfortable in their body—and that trusted adult telling them that they are uncomfortable in their body because they were, indeed, born “wrong?”

This leads to an essential question that we, ironically, so often overlook. We have a dysphoric child in front of us. What would make them transgender? The most likely definition of a trans person that everyone could agree on would be someone who is dysphoric, likely someone who has been dysphoric since early childhood—but even that is not a perfect or even accurate definition because not all people with dysphoria go on to transition, not even people with long-term or “treatment-resistant” dysphoria. If dysphoria does not make a transgender person, what does?

Let’s say we have one-thousand dysphoric people in front of us and one person in the group—say, the young child in this analogy, now an adult—is transgender. The only thing that distinguishes this person from the rest of the group is the very act of transition. If this person had never transitioned, there would be no difference between them and the rest of the group. We would have a solid group of cisgender dysphoric people. The transgender person is distinguished only through action, self-identity and personal experience in attempts to accommodate that self-identity. “Brain sex” has been proven to be a myth, so we know there are no biological differences to point to them having “needed” to transition—and even under the possibility that there do exist biological markers in dysphoria that we have not discovered yet, that does not prove that people can be born transgender. At most, these markers could stand as predispositions, similar to how people can be carriers for certain diseases or have “bad genes” that make them more likely to suffer from certain ailments—but none of these things equate to destiny, and in fact, in the case of dysphoria, would only prove that a supportive environment could prevent it—and transgender identity—from coming into the picture at all.

The suggestion that some people are just “made” to go through with any action, including transition, is an insinuation of fate—and I do not believe in fate. I believe in free will to some extent, although that would open us up to the more philosophical question of whether free will is truly free, seeing as we are reflections of our environment and cannot completely separate ourselves from it. In either case, we have seen and established that we can both influence one to develop dysphoria, as well as prevent one from developing dysphoria, all depending on how we, as a society, treat them—and if the people around us can help to prevent dysphoria from becoming an issue entirely, thereby circumventing the desire to transition at all, it is impossible for transgender identity to be truly innate to any one person.

In summary and in closing, mental illness, including dysphoria, is encouraged by—and sometimes even brought on by—our surrounding environment in almost all cases. Environments naturally change overtime, and in the process, certain factors in mental illness may become less common or even disappear entirely; however, just because one goes away does not mean all others disappear. One of many of our possible futures as a society is one without gender, and unsurprisingly, this would get rid of gender as a trigger in dysphoria—but so long as no other factors have been dismantled in the process, they will continue on as potential influences in its development, even in this genderless society. It then may be easy to conclude that some people are just “born” transgender, especially seeing as how the development of sex dysphoria in a genderless society would be even more random (comparatively to that of a gendered one)—but that conclusion, that “Some people are just born that way,” would not be reached with any other mental illness, and beyond that, does not give us, the society, enough credit or responsibility. The fact that there are trans people who barely even remember not being trans, such as myself, stand not as proof that we are “true transsexuals” but as proof that we live in a society that is hostile to multiple vulnerable populations and it is up to us to change that. Gender abolition will not solve all of these problems and it may not even get rid of sex dysphoria entirely—but it is essential and a great place to start, which is why I continue to stand for it, even despite it not being a perfect fix.

I hope this gave you a little more to think on.

[rotisseries]

this year, I kept a reading log spreadsheet of all of the fanfiction I read. so, assuming I don't read anything else in these last few hours of 2022, these are my final stats. here is my ao3 wrapped!

i read 496 fics this year. these are surely rookie numbers 😃 (this picture isn't even the entire spreadsheet)

my total words read in fanfiction this year is 6,227,818. 6. million. and 22 thousand. words. 24 of these fics, or about 5% of the fics read, were of a length equivalent to that of a standard fiction novel, which is a length of 40,000 words at the lowest average count. I feel like it's necessary to state here that, whenever I read incomplete fics, I put their current word count, but when the fics updated, I did NOT update the listings, so this number is an estimate

my no.1 fandom this year was stranger things! at 74% and 441 fics read, a surprise to no one. the runners up are the legend of zelda, in no.2, with 24 fics and 11% of my reading, and avatar the last airbender, in no.3, with 18 fics and 8% of the stuff I read!

my no.1 pairing this year was byler, with 57% at a count of 289 fics read! again, a surprise to no one! runners up are, no.2, ronance, with 67 fics and about 14% of the fics I read, and no.3, steddie, with 58 fics and 12% of the stuff I read

my highest month for fanfiction reading was july! of the 496 fics I read this year, 162 of them were read in july, which is about 33%.

468 of the fics I read this year were completed when I read them, which is about 94%.

the author I read the most from was @andiwriteordie, with 34 fics, which is about 7% of the fics read. tbf though, this is because she's insane and wrote a LOT of stuff this year.

409 of the fics I read this year, or 82%, were oneshots.

and those are my ao3 reading habits for this year! I'm thinking that maybe I'll track some tags and other stuff for 2023

[izzy-b-hands]

"I'm gonna stab him," Jim mutters. "What are these for anyway?"

"Frenchie and Ed requested additional notions," Izzy sighs, a woven basket on one arm, already half full of fabric. "For the new crew uniforms and I'm not entirely sure what else. Not my place to ask."

"Why would any of that need to be a secret?"

"It isn't," Izzy replies.

"Then why is he treating it like one?"

"I know you don't want to be here," Izzy says. "If it helps, I don't want to be either. I hate these crowds. Fang's better with them, but do you think he'd let me send him instead?"

Jim smiles. "Wow."

"What?"

"Never thought I'd hear you complain about Ed like that."

They move to the next booth, covered in fabric and a few other crafts.

Including jewelry.

"Wish I knew where the fuck my money was," Jim says, staring down at the earrings. "I take it we're no longer salaried, since my funds disappeared from where I had them hidden."

"Previous to meeting Bonnet," Izzy says, absentmindedly tossing swatches and folded lengths of fabric into their basket. "Everything was kept in one place. You'd get your share of the last raid, and everything unallocated goes into a general fund."

"That's how we're paying for all this," Jim nods. "Cool. I guess."

"It was pointed out that one could see your and Frenchie's money was essentially like your cut of a raid and should be left to you both," Izzy continues. "But that opinion was voted out."

"Fuck," Jim scowls and starts to walk to the next booth. "I'll have to tell Fang thanks for sticking up for us."

"I suppose you will," Izzy calls out with what seems like hesitation. "Go on ahead. I'll meet you further down."

They walk on past yet another sewing and fabric booth, pretending not to think about the teal earring on the previous booth's counter.

They didn't need anything like that anyway. Surviving was the goal, not shopping and trying to match with Olu.

"He's not even here to see it," Jim scolds themself and passes the last merchant stall towards the beach. "You can wait till you find him."

They wander away from the main pathway onto the sand, finally dropping down onto it with a hiss. It's hot, but it almost feels nice on one's legs stretched out over it.

"Literally it's just fabric," Jim mutters after what feels like an hour passes. "How does it take this long?"

They flop back onto the sand and sigh. "I wonder what Ed would do if I ditched him."

"Me?" Izzy's boots push through the sand. "I don't know that he'd care all that much. But if you try to abandon him, right now?"

Izzy sits beside them, a few burlap sacks full of their shopping dropped at his other side. "I wouldn't. Were it me."

Jim waits for the command to get the fuck up amd get moving, but it doesn't come.

"Took a long time to track down the same color of fabric," they comment."It's all mostly black."

"It is, but there's differences in each shade. In the type of fabric. They asked for variety, so I did my best."

It occurs to Jim that this might be a moment Izzy would rather Ed not know about. This softer, tired voice and willingness to rest on the beach, watching the waves crash.

"Here," Izzy searches through one of the bags. "Don't tell Ed."

He motions for them to hold out their hand, and presses something into it.

A necklace, and an earring. Each with a small teal circular charm hanging off of them.

"He definitely didn't say we could buy something like this," Jim says, holding the jewelry as if it might burn them. "Izzy-"

"As if he doesn't use every stop as an excuse to buy new rings," Izzy interrupts. "Honestly, if you wear them and say nothing, he won't notice. He's got other things on his mind."

"Yeah, I've noticed."

The silence lingers for only a moment.

"I don't wanna make this any weirder," Jim continues. "But can you help get the necklace on? I don't want the charm sliding off-"

Izzy takes the necklace gently and moves to kneel behind them.

There's a moment of fear, hidden in the tension of their hand sitting on the handle of their knife.

But Izzy slips the necklace on and secures it without any attempt to garrote them.

"I don't know if you actually have a piercing," Izzy says awkwardly. "So the earring-"

"It's just been a bit since I wore one," Jim interrupts as they force the earring through the slightly grown over piercing in their left ear. "Hurts, but it still fits."

"We should head back," Izzy says, and stands from the sand with a groan. "There might be lunch leftover for us if we're lucky."

"Stew again?"

Izzy nods.

"Great," Jim mutters, and pulls themself up. "Or we could get something actually edible here."

They watch Izzy process it, the wheels nearly audibly turning.

"So long as we finish it before we get back," Izzy says. "That, or we get enough to share."

"May as well."

They make their way back towards the main path, sand shifting beneath their feet.

"And thanks," Jim continues, focusing on the horizon. "For the..."

"Would be hypocritical of me," Izzy shrugs, and gestures to the ring on the knot of his cravat. "To say you shouldn't want something that reminds you of someone else."

Jim lets Izzy get slightly ahead, and studies him.

As soon as they're back, this version of Izzy will almost definitely disappear. But now there's the question itching at the back of their head: is it because he wants it to, because he feels he has to, or because he doesn't know how else to be.

The situation at hand, frankly, sucks. But the experiment of finding out when and where Izzy lets himself relax is weirdly interesting.

That, and what might it take to convince that relaxed, sentimental, secret jewelry purchasing Izzy to help them get Olu back.

[redysetdare]

There is something about being able to write an ADHD character and being able to air out all your feelings you had as a kid in relation to no one understanding your ADHD let alone not understanding it yourself.

[second-breakfast]

Got put on a PIP today for shit no one ever mentioned to me before that isn't new plus some some stuff that it is only halfway accurate