#can't take their powers motherfucker

[musicfeedsmysoul12]

Imagine this happening during the USJ and JD being all ‘tell AFO he broke the pact’ and now it's on sight for JD if they find him.

All for One, who has been mighty comfortable since he can't be touched by supernatural forces and he's just Better(TM) then most humans realizing he fucked up BAD.

JD, unable to find him, but knowing that the bitch can't go to far, is happily waiting.

[skrunksthatwunk]

not to doomer post. but. american politics is like here's a conservative warmonger who wants to burn you alive personally and here's a different conservative warmonger who definitely wouldn't stop someone from burning you alive BUT who might raise the minimum wage by $0.30/hour for you, but only like eight years from now (so re-elect me please!! >w<). yes one of them has to be president they are the only two options we'll let you have. no neither of them will stop the government from killing you or anyone else, but at least one will say "it's kind of bad to kill people :( someone should really do something about that..." while giving the people-killers $20,000,000,000,000 to keep doing it then saying they can't afford to help you at all, but oh shucks, maybe next cycle, if you vote for me again! and also everyone will pretend as though they are extremely different political entities covering two highly polarized ends of the political spectrum despite nearly identical policy views obscured by their slightly different ways of addressing their target audiences, many of whom are also conservative warmongers. and also if you don't vote or vote third party the other guy will win and you will watch as they burn everyone you love alive in the same way they've burned so many strangers so you kind of feel like you have to vote for the other warmonger because even though they both have blood on their hands you'll take a handshake over an uppercut. even if you can still see the bodies piling up behind them. even if you can only save like five people you know and not the thousands of people who are dying in the other room. because you believe the difference between 30,000 and 30,005 is still worth it even though no one needed to die in the first place and no one seems to agree with you. you have to keep living in this world every day. if anything changes it will take decades and it will never be enough. if this takes a toll on you good fucking luck surviving off the generosity of the warmonger state that claims to serve you. happy voting!!

[monstersmade]

Tag Dump

[kakashixhatakesxwhore]

Random NSFW headcanon please? (If you do nsfw...)

alrighty roo, buckaroo, lets discuss kinkage - thank you so much for the request

Random Kinks They Deffo Have

They: Iruka, Kakashi, and Itachi (with additions of Sasuke and Shikamaru) (f!Reader)

Warnings: whew! Swearing, explicit smut, power play, somno/free use, auralism, names of authority, praise kink, spit/blood/cum play, idk just please be 18

Notes: This one is for the freaks, obvi Boruto!Sasuke and Boruto!Shikamaru, I'm begging for everyone's thoughts and opinions - be prepared for Shikamaru's to be nasty

Masterlist💿

Iruka

Power Play

He just fucking loves when you take control

Anything you tell him to do, Iruka will do compulsively, and he's absolutely twitching when you tell him how good he is for doing so

All! About! Your! Pleasure!

Iruka's favourite encounters would be when he's not allowed to touch you, though, funnily enough

You're riding him, and all he can do is watch your sultry smile and feel your pussy hugging him tight - he wants to feel you, to run his hands all over your body - but he can't - or else you'll slow down to a halt and sometimes even pull him out, just to give him a beration of sorts

Now, that said, Iruka does not fuck with demeaning talk - you better love on this motherfucker, he's trying his goddamn best for you, and if you should negate that, it would allow a dark cloud to form over Iruka's mind

You don't want that, right? Exactly. So you keep it sweet, you give him stupid, little commands then fan the flames of his ego when he completes the command in spades

Lowk gets boyfriend-brain when he's with you, so kinda does need to be told what to do

Iruka is a sweetheart!!! He's always going what he can for you, all the time, even if you don't explicitly ask him to every time

Kakashi

Free Use/Somnophilia

When you said you would be okay with giving it a trial run, Kakashi was elated, and fucked you four seperate times that night, and began again before you woke up in the morning

He fucks you slow, almost trying not to wake you up, but the stretch is unmistakable

"Good morning, pretty lady. Have any good dreams?" He would ask, noticing your quickened breath, making you instantly relax into the situation

You love it - you stop sleeping in any amount of pant, just so Kakashi could have you as he pleased

When you got home, he would be pressing you against the door, when you try to start chopping vegetables for dinner, he would bend you over then pop you up on the counter when he just couldn't get enough

Kakashi's condition is that everything spontaneous happens within your shared, lovely, little home

He might sneak you away occasionally while the two of you are out, finding a small cache in the forest, but Kakashi would be asking for permission, assurance, consent at every step of the way - public is just different, but he's not entirely opposed

Kakashi just can't believe he's got you, and every time he looks at you, he needs to have you

Itachi

Auralism

He needs to hear you; the way your voice quakes, the way your nails rake across the skin of his back

Itachi's favourite sound though, is the harmony of your bodies meeting, skin smacking skin, squelches and a slick plunging sound, filling the room

Yeiff - let alone fucking outside - my god - Itachi wants your encounter to be so loud that the whole world knows what's going on

With his shit eyeslight, Itachi would prefer to close his eyes while fucking you, letting your beautifully wanton sounds paint a picture in his mind

In a perfect world, he would totally love to get tied up with a blindfold on - just to be at the mercy of your light touch and the intoxicating sound of your pleasure - Itachi would break the binding eventually, desperate to have his hands on you, needing to fuck you hard enough to hear the smacking and sloshing

Itachi is also the primo dirty talker, insisting you reply to him through your stinted pants, sharp gasps and breathy moans

His whole arousal around the subject of sound is cranked up to ten the second the two of you are in public - your little yips when he squeezes your ass, or the biting 'Itachi' that slips out of your mouth when he corners you to cop a feel

Oh, he fucks with names, you can call him whatever the fuck you want, so long as he's the one you're screaming about - but he likes it when you speak to him with more authoritarian honorifics (sir, daddy, lord)

Sasuke

Praise

Ooh, tell him he's hitting the spot and Sasuke would lose it, only trying to hit the exact same spot again

If you're ever out, singing his tune to another party, about anything, and Sasuke catches wind, he's taking you home immediately to prove he can provide more than you bargained for

Y'all, lets be real, and acknowledge that sweet Sasuke craves praise in any and all capacities, but most fervently in the four walls of your bedroom

Again and again, it doesn't matter how many times you tell him, he wants to hear it again

"Sasuke, your cock is so fucking big," you gasped as he slid in slowly.

"Louder. Tell the neighbours."

Loves, loves, loves to be able to hear the affect he's having on your body, every wave of pleasure, every jolt from your orgasm

Even if it's visibly clear that he's got you like putty in his palm, Sasuke will demand that you tell him how good he is, how deep he can reach, how much your pussy loved him

You're a blabbering mess, and it strokes Sasuke's ego to no end that he can bring you to this point, absolutely drunk with pleasure

Shikamaru

Spit/Blood/Cum Play

Anything Shikamaru can ingest that comes from your body (not excretions, sickos), he will

It's insane when you two hit the trifecta - Shikamaru cumming all over a patch of knicks on your stomach then spitting on the pile of liquid, he would mix it all together with his index finger, on top of you, before he would lean down and lick it all up, shoving the finger covered in the rose-tinted mixture into your mouth

Mm mm mm, and your cum, my good Christ, does he ever love your cum

Nothing brings Shikamaru so much joy as pulling his fingers out of you, being coated in a shiny slick

There's also something about the way your face screws up every time he brings a kunai into the bedroom - Shikamaru goes weak in the knees when he sees your crimson blood, glinting on the tip of the knife, losing it even further when you lick it off without hestitation

He's going to cum on your face, just to see you try to open those pretty eyelashes of yours, beads of white weighing them down

Shikamaru had no clue he was into fluids, until you randomly asked him, one day, to spit in your mouth - it's been a done deal since then, spitting just comes with the territory eventually

He always loved seeing your body get painted with his cum, but it's a whole different ball game to watch you play with it, to watch you lick it all up without wasting a drop like you used to do (honestly, Shikamaru can't even remember why he used to wipe his cum off of you)

[a-hazbin-reader]

Vox with an unlucky s/o?-

What about Alastor with a lucky s/o?

I CAME AS SOON AS I COULD

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: None?? I think??

Description: ☝️⬆️

Unlike with Vox, Alastor immediately believes you when you tell him you're naturally lucky

However, maybe you should've kept it to yourself because what he takes away from that is that you're indestructible

Always sending you in somewhere dangerous first because he knows you'll come away unscathed

Physically anyways

Motherfucker you'll never psychologically heal from this

Sometimes he tries to use you as his good luck shield charm but it backfires and he ends up on his ass

"What just happened?"

It only cools down a little once you two are together

Somehow the fact that you're so lucky is something Alastor takes pride in as if he's the one responsible for it

If you're bragging about it then he's bragging about it

Even if you're not bragging about it

He's eager to prove it too, just waiting for someone to try and call bullshit

"Okay now I know you're exaggerating, Y/N isn't that lucky-"

"Wanna bet?"

Not him shoving you into traffic just to watch you miraculously spin back to him with some tasty food in your bewildered arms

"You're so thoughtful, my dear! That looks delicious~"

Fuck off you can't have any after pulling that little stunt

Alastor is so pleased when your supernatural luck pulls through because he knows he doesn't have to worry about you all the time

You get kidnapped?? Somehow you always end up home by the end of the day with your kidnappers blown up

You're stuck in a street fight??? Somehow you come out on top and the territory is yours now

Sometimes Alastor is genuinely baffled by just how lucky you can be but he's learned to just stop questioning it

You're his amazingly lucky S/O and he's so impressed by it, will use you to help him win bets/place deals

"Wanna make a deal that Y/N will land on their feet after I push them off this building?"

You're gonna make him so powerful

Sometimes you wonder if he's trying to kill you but all your anger melts away at the sight of his proud face

You can't stay mad him, not when he just wants to show you off and genuinely seems to believe in you

It helps that he rewards you afterwards with some affection, rubbing his cheek on you and telling you what a good job you did

Shut up and keep rubbing my head you psychopath

You can always get him back if you really wanted to, your luck would prevail and you'd come out on top

Not that Alastor knows that

You should get revenge

"Mm...you're so gonna get it...~"

"What was that now?"

The chaotic side of me took hold but I hope you still like it!!

[logansdoll]

chimichangas

part two of "jim beam"

CW: suggestive, profanity, Blind Al, takes place after the events of Deadpool 3, reader is going through some stuff, Logan is an animal, Wade is Wade, etc.

"I see you found my stash," Althea smirked, poorly pouring you another glass of whiskey as you sat down at the table.

"Sorry," you sighed, taking a swig. "If I'd known you could tell, I would've asked."

She cocked a brow with a smirk, and you let out a half-hearted chuckle.

She could read you surprisingly well for a blind woman.

"Yeah, no, I wouldn't."

She smiled as she poured herself her own drink, but when the silence settled, she could tll your expression had fell.

"All right, what's on your mind?" she sighed, almost like an order as she pulled up a chair.

You scoffed.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"It may have been a while since I've actually talked woman to woman, but I can still tell when something's up," she nodded, taking a sip from her glass. "And judgin' by the way you're downin' that drink, I'd say it's man troubles."

You nearly choked on your liquor, and she let out a quiet chuckle.

"Of course not. It's not him at all," you quickly assured, not wanting the woman to get the wrong idea. "Logan has been amazing. And if anything... it's me troubles."

She smiled, attempting to reach out and touch your hand, but missed.

By a whole lot.

"I'm all ears."

You didn't know what it was, be it her elderly charm or her comforting presence, but something about her just made you feel like spilling your guts.

You sighed, taking a deep breath before deciding to start from the beginning.

"My power allows me to see the future," you looked down at your drink, solemnly. "Be it seconds or minutes or days, you name it, I can see it... so long as my power is activated."

"Okay..." Althea nodded in understandig.

"But that night... the night everything went to shit... I was asleep... I couldn't see the Sentinels coming."

You squeezed your glass, the self-loathing clawing at your throat like an angry tomcat.

"I tried to save the kids... but it wasn't long before everyone was gone... and I was taken captive."

Your voice quaked, hands trembling as fragmented memories of the bloodshed flashed in your mind.

"I can't remember much after that... and Wade won't tell me the details of what happened to me in that laboratory. But after who knows how long in that chamber I'm stuck in this new world with no way to get back to mine and I just can't help but wonder if I'd just been awake that night then maybe... my family would still be alive... my home wouldn't be destroyed..."

You turned to her, eyes glassy as you sniffled.

"My Logan... not so guilty about what happened..."

Althea sighed, her hand finally finding yours and giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"Honey..." she started, her tone warm and forgiving. "Guilt is one of those feelings that feeds on the pain you give it."

Her thumb smoothed over the back of your hand, bringing a sort of grandmotherly comfort to your heart.

"You can't turn back the clock... but you can decide whether you're gonna let this feeling hold you back, or show you the strength you need to keep on living."

You sighed, knowing her words were true, yet still hearing that nagging voice in the back of your mind.

Maybe it's time to leave the past in the past...

"It's Chimichanga Time, bitches!" Wade suddenly exclaimed, bursting through Al's apartment door and striking a pose, waving the take-out bags around theatrically.

"Motherfucker!" Althea jolted, snatching a gun from under the table and taking aim...

Directly at the wall.

Muffling your snickers, you carefully pushed her hand the right way, changing her target to Wade's chest rather than the door frame.

"Jazz hands?" you raised a brow, turning to the man.

"I believe the politically correct term is spirit fingers," he corrected, mater-of-factly. "Times have changed, my dear (y/n). Next thing you know you'll be old Al here a colored."

"The fuck did you just say to me?" Althea exclaimed.

"(n/n)'s words, not mine!"

"Will you shut the fuck up?" Logan groaned, snatching the bags from him and plopping them down on the table. "Eat your damn food and keep fuckin' quiet."

You stood from your chair, walking up to your man and pulling him into a hug.

"Hey, baby," you greeted, resting your head on his chest. "How was your day?"

His shoulders sank under your touch, all the anger melting away as he wrapped his arms around you, placing a tender kiss on your hairline.

"I'm just glad it's over," he sighed, resting his tired head against yours.

It was no secret to anyone that Logan had some serious anxiety when it came to leaving you places by yourself.

And it wasn't that he didn't trust in your ability to handle yourself, but rather he didn't trust the powers that be not to try and fuck his life over for the hundredth time.

Granted, he couldn't really help it when he had to go to work, or assist Wade with his post-breakup, mercenary bullshit...

But that didn't mean he had to like it.

"M'sorry," you cooed, cupping his cheek in your hand. "If you want we can—"

Suddenly, it felt like all the air was snatched out of your lungs, the image of a bunch of thugs flashing in your mind, along with the door being broken down.

It was your first vision since being in the chamber.

"(n/n)?" Logan asked, worry spiking up his chest as he lifted your chin. "You alright?"

'Althea!'

Five seconds...

"GET DOWN!" you shouted, quickly kicking over the table and shoving Al behind it just as the men kicked open the door.

Quickly, Wade grabbed a cast-iron skillet off the stove, slamming it over the head of the first grunt to rush in before using it to deflect a shotgun.

"Behind the couch! Now!" Logan barked, shoving himself in front of you and unsheathing his claws as bullets began ricocheting around the room

You dropped to the ground without argument, army crawling away to safety.

And once you were secure, Logan went off, letting out a roar of anger as he charged into the fight.

They come into his home... in his safe haven... and try and take his reason for living?

Heads. Were. Going. To. Roll.

Wade slid across the kitchen counter under the heavy gunfire, grabbing the knife block before flipping over the edge, tossing a steak knife into a man's neck before finishing him off with a bread knife to the dick.

Logan launched himself at the one with the shotgun, not even flinching as a chunk of his shoulder was blown off, still plunging his claws into the man's chest.

Clocking the grunt coming up behind him, he quickly whipped around, sending an uppercut straight through his head.

Out of nowhere, one of the thugs popped up with an AK-47, completely spraying the couch while Wade handled the dumbass with the baseball bat.

'(Y/N)!'

"RAAAAAAH!" Logan bellowed, furious, as he sprinted toward the one responsible, tanking countless bullets before slicing the gun to pieces and proceeding to absolutely maul the poor bastard.

Wade hit Baseball Douche in the face with the knife block before dodging a swing, stabbing him in the chest with a butcher's knife before turning around and throwing it at the head of a man going for Althea.

But when he whipped around to finish off Baseball Douche, Logan was already there, stabbing him right through the head and spraying blood all over Wade's face.

"Oh, God! Oh, God, time out!" he whined, dropping to his knees as he covered his face. "Got bad guy blood right in my open eye. Oh, that is gross..."

As the dust began to settle, it became eerily quiet, all the enemies seemingly dead.

"(n/n)?" Logan panted, chest heaving and heart panicked as he glanced around. "(y/n)?"

Slowly, you rose from behind the couch, unharmed.

"I'm okay," you assured, a little shaken up, but otherwise alright.

"Althea," Wade sang, wiping his eye with his shirt. "Are you dead?"

"I wish," she groaned, hoisting herself up from behind the table.

Without another word, Logan sped toward you, retracting his claws before pulling you into a bone crushing embrace—one you reciprocated with just as, if not more, relief.

"I thought I lost you again," he exhaled, relishing the way you felt in his arms, hands sliding all over you to squeeze what could've been taken away from him.

"I'm right here, Logan," you cooed, carding your hand through his scruffy hair as he nuzzled his face into your neck, breathing in your scent. "I'm right here..."

Though, unknowingly to the other, you both were going through your own forms of consolation.

You had protected your family from a tragedy you couldn't before.

He had saved you from the fate that befell countless others from his past.

Both were beginning to realize that maybe this new life really could be different.

Working together to protect and save one another...

Learning to love without fear of separation...

Forgiving the past mistakes that made you who you are today...

Growth that could only be attributed to absolute trust in each other.

"Heyo!" Wade gasped, a smile stretching on his face as he stared at the ground. "The Chimichanga Gods have spoken."

The rest of you turned to face him, watching as he fished a bloody take-out bag out from under the body of a dead man—who looked like he had mush for a face.

"Tonight... we feast."

"You are fucking disgusting."

[chrissv4mp]

canines , BILLIE E.

summary: billie can't resist the taste of you. she can't even wait until you're home to get her hands and teeth in on you.

pairing: vampire!billie eilish × fem!reader

warnings/topics: vulgar language, oc's, short mentions of blood, smut, billie's super needy&whiny!!, bathroom sex, oral, fingering, strap-on usage, multiple orgasms/overstimulation, degradation, praise, hair pulling, choking if u squint..., she's down bad.., power bottom!billie & dom!billie!!, kinda short??

a/n: don't let me near a phone or laptop thats opened to billie eilish's instagram EVER again💔

a/n 2: this is NOT short at all.

a/n 3: this is 4.5k words!💞💞

"and this motherfucker ran the light just as i put my foot on the gas! we both could've gotten injured. badly. people just don't even think these days." your friend, logan, says.

he huffs angrily as his arms position themselves crossed over another. a loose hair falls across his face as his eyes meet yours.

a smile comes to his face just at the sound of your laughter, his story somehow seemingly funny to you.

"c'mon, don't get all worked up over that idiot. just thank your quick reflexes for slamming the brakes as i imagine you did." logan smiles, a scoff sounding from his lips.

his eyebrows raise, eyes going down and landing on the table as he mutters, "sure, i definitely slammed on the brakes."

billie coughs, a smile forming on her face at the blond haired boys words, "no fucking way, you didn't?"

you sigh, dragging it out as your head falls back against the cushions of the booth, "the one time your reflexes don't come in is the time you almost die."

"great!" you scoff, a smile still on your face as you look back at your friend.

billie giggles at your reaction, hand snaking under the table to place her hand on your thigh. her fingers run across your skin, sneaking under the hem of your skirt and making you glare at her.

logan laughs again before taking a sip of his water, eyes finding their way to your another one of your friends, tessa.

her eyes are wide as she stares at the blond-haired boy, mouth practically on the floor in shock.

the older boy almost chokes on his water, tessa's facial expression making him turn away to hide the small dribble of water and spit on his chin.

"y'know, i was telling alex and finneas about how smart you are the other day..." tessa mutters, tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ears, look the other way as she whistles.

logan rolls his eyes as he sets down his glass, "i am still very smart, thank you."

you chuckle at their playful banter, attention quickly being stolen by your girlfriend as her hand travels even higher up your thigh.

her eyes are darker than before, pupils almost completely covering her irises. you exhale quietly, glancing at logan and tessa to make sure they weren't aware of what you two were doing.

billie smirked, watching as you scooted closer to her, your hands already sneaking under the hem of her shirt.

she bit her lip, her teeth cutting through the plump skin of her lower lip, blood coating the tips of her fangs.

you rested your head on her shoulder, lips hovering above her earlobe, "bathroom. now."

she didn't waste any time, moving to get out of the booth and quickly walk to the bathroom.

both logan and tessa's heads turned, eyebrows raising in confusion as they looked to you for answers. you smiled apologetically, "sorry. i need to help her with something. she bit her lip too hard."

the older boy gave a hum, dragging it out slowly in suspicion as he shared a look with tessa.

she only smiled awkwardly, very clearly trying to hold in a laugh as you scurried off after your girlfriend.

logan burst out into laughter as soon as you were out of sight, falling onto the shorter girls shoulder and clinging onto her.

tessa laughed along with him, hands grabbing at her friend as tears pricked her eyes from laughing so much.

"can't resist you," billie grunted, teeth dragging along the tender skin of your neck.

your palms were flat against the wooden family bathroom door, head thrown back against it as to let billie access your neck better.

her hands were practically glues to your waist, grip tightening every time you let out a particularly loud or whiny sound.

you were making her crazy. the way you smelled, the way you looked. fuck, even the way you looked at her made her go mad.

"so fuckin' pretty. all mine." she muttered mindlessly, leaving opened-mouth kisses all along your neck.

the moment she sucked on your pulse point, you moaned lowly, hands flying to her hair and tugging on it.

her fangs grazed your neck again, and billie couldn't hold back anymore. she bared her teeth, and then they sunk into your skin.

you moaned loudly at the feeling, pain and pleasure clouding your mind as her hands begun to roam down, finding their way under your skirt again.

billie whined at the taste of you, eyes fluttering shut as she pushed you against the door harder, rutting her hips against yours.

you loved seeing her like this, so whiny and needy just at the taste and smell of you. she could never hold back when it was just you two alone, never missing an opportunity to sink her teeth into you.

your hands left her hair, deciding to just rest on her waist and to pull her closer. she was already a whiny mess, and she hadn't been touched or spoken to yet.

your head throbbed after a few minutes, and when you began to squirm uncomfortably, billie removed her teeth from your skin. her tongue soothed the ache of the bite, and you sighed in pleasure.

"'m sorry, mamas.." billie apologized quietly, pulling back from your neck to stare into your e/c eyes.

you only smiled at her, eyes filled with lust as you tilted your head at her pouty lips. your hand went up to cup her cheek, thumb running across her bottom lip and dragging it.

there were still small drops of blood coming from her lip, and your thumb wiped them away, bringing it in front of your mouth and sucking it off.

billie whined at your actions, her knees almost buckling at the sight of you sucking on your thumb seductively. her tongue darted out to lick away her own blood, eyes flicking rapidly from your eyes and lips.

not wanting to wait any longer, you crashed your lips onto hers, hands tugging her face even closer as you kissed her passionately.

it was a sloppy, uncoordinated kiss thanks to billie's neediness, basically melting at your touch and taste. she was acting like this was the first time you've ever kissed her.

"need you s' bad," the girl whined against your already swollen lips, "need you now.."

a breathy moan escaped her throat as your hand groped her beneath her shirt, her head moving to rest in the crook of your neck.

whimpers escaped her, going straight to your ear and making the wetness between your thighs worse. she was killing you.

you rolled her nipple between your fingers, smirking at the way she jolted and squirmed at the way you were touching her.

she cried out as your fingers left her chest, snaking down and out of her shirt. both of your hands landed on her waist this time as you kissed her jaw.

"jump." and she did, obeying your demands. her legs wrapped around your waist, and you carefully carried her to the bathroom counter.

her eyes seemed even darker as she stared down at you, biting her bottom lip as she watched you descend her body.

billie's legs dangled from the counter, and your hands quickly began to unbutton her jeans and pull them down along with her black lacy panties.

the clothing pooled around her ankles, and your hands went to spread her legs even further apart, revealing how wet she was.

billie whined, grabbing a handful of your hair and tugging you closer to her core. you smiled up at her through hooded eyes, watching as her head lolled back.

"yeah? you're that needy, bills?" the teasing words rolled off your tongue too casually, and billie only huffed out in frustration.

her eyes met yours again, and she tugged at your hair again, "use that fuckin' mouth for a good use, ma."

your head tilted to the side, letting out a chuckle at the sound of her demands.

"that wasn't a question. don't make me do it myself. you wouldn't want that, would you?" she spoke quietly, her grip on your hair tightening again to punctuate her words.

the threat of not being able to taste her made your head quickly dip between her thighs, licking a long stripe from her clit down to her entrance.

your tongue slipped into her entrance, and you smiled against her pussy at the pornographic moan that left her mouth.

maybe coming in here wasn't the best idea.

"'js like that. fuck," billie groaned, fangs digging into her bottom lip once again.

her hands pulled you even closer, your hair messier than ever as she tugged on it after every movement you made with your mouth.

your lips wrapped around her clit, sucking harshly and nipping at it lightly as your hand lowered from her thigh to her core.

you slipped two fingers in quickly, curling them right when you were as deep as you could get. it wasn't hard to find her g-spot, making billie's back arch as she whined.

a groan left your lips as her thighs squeezed your head lightly, the vibrations going straight to your girlfriends pussy.

"so good, such a good girl f' me—" billie sighed, cutting herself off with a louder moan of your name, "y/n, holy fuck..!"

her eyes rolled back as your fingers curled, timing it perfectly with the way you nipped at her clit.

"doin' so good, baby. c'mon, take it." you whispered, and billie could just barely hear you over her heaving breaths and loud moans.

the tone of your voice sent her over the edge, cumming with a high-pitched moan that became raspy near the end. her throat was dry from not swallowing, her hips bucking wildly as her chest heaved with each breath she took.

your tongue lapped at her pussy, working skillfully as your tongue replaced your fingers. billie's low whines didn't stop you from continuing to fuck her with your tongue.

"please, baby. ts' too much." the black-haired girl couldn't help but cry out at the way your tongue dipped in and out of her pussy, her head lolling back again as she let out a guttural moan.

"you can take it, bills." your voice was muffled against her core, the pace of your tongue quickening.

you just wanted her to cum on your tongue again, you were addicted to the taste of her.

her hands wanted to push you away, but they just pulled you even closer, wanting the pleasure to last. billie never wanted the sight in front of her to go away.

"gonna cum again, mamas..! fuck, you're s' good. always my good girl.." billie praised, eyes squeezed shut as her second orgasm washed over her.

your tongue wasted no time in cleaning her up, this time pulling away and holding yourself back from fucking her again. your eyes were darkened, nothing but lust behind them as you stared up at your girlfriend.

your fingers were still wet with her slick, and you raised your hand in front of her face. billie couldn't help but take your fingers into her mouth, sucking on them as she stared at you through hooded eyes.

she still wanted a taste of your own cum, wanted to watch you writhe and cry underneath her as she fucked you dumb. she needed you on your knees, her strap deep down your throat as she fucked your mouth.

her mind ran wild with other fantasies as she continued to lick your fingers clean, kissing the tip of your index finger before you pulled them away.

a smirk played on your face as your lips crashed onto hers again, this time in a more passionate and loving kiss, "need that pretty pussy in my face again,"

the words whispered against her lips make the black-haired girl shudder, her thoughts all over the place. she only nodded, liking the idea of your head between her thighs.

she would make her fantasies come true. and she certainly wasn't gonna wait until the next day to make them happen. even if it meant staying up all night.

a smile came to her face as you pulled away, your face in her hands as you leaned into her touch softly, "we need to get back to our friends."

you shrug, biting down on your bottom lip, "i think they know what we came in here to do. your neediness really does show."

billie punches your shoulder playfully as you laugh. before getting off the counter, you help her pull her pants back up.

before leaving the restroom, you wash your hands. billie can't help but drag you back to the booth where your friends sat, chatting.

tessa smiles at the sight of you and your girlfriend, giggling quietly as you both get back in the booth.

"shut up," you mutter, and logan just laughs at the way you cross your arms in embarrassment.

billie smirks proudly, looking over at you as she laughs along with her friends.

tessa rubs your shoulder, a faux look of pity on her face, "it's okay, girl. i mean, who would pass up a chance to fuck their hot girlfriend?"

your face flushes a deep shade of red as you shove the girl lightly, hiding your face in billie's shoulder as you overhear them laughing.

tessa can't help but cling onto logan, slapping his arm as his head falls back against the booth.

billie just sits there, watching with an unfazed expression. her hand rests on your thigh again, rubbing it reassuringly.

"don't be embarrassed, ma." she giggles, kissing the top of your head.

the drive home wasn't quiet or awkward at all, it never was between your friend group. the drive was filled with laughter and teasing words about what happened at dinner.

logan kept his eyes on the road while listening in to the playful arguments and quiet slaps of your hands against each other's arms.

he occasionally joined in on the teasing, earning a few slaps on his shoulder as he laughed at your flushed expression.

you and billie were the first to be dropped off, your shared house not being too far away from the restaurant you all ate at.

neither of you were complaining, especially not billie. she wasn't complaining because she could finally make her prior fantasies a reality.

she was going to ruin you tonight.

the second the front door shut and you both kicked off your shoes, she was all over you. her hands couldn't seem to be pried off of your body, tugging at every article of clothing you wore. especially that tight fucking skirt.

"teasing me all night with this. gonna rip it off you, mamas." she groaned, fangs on display once again.

a moan left your lips as billie's teeth dragged down the side of your neck, the tender skin rising in her tracks from the irritation.

heavy breaths fell from your mouth as billie continued to descend your body, her knees eventually coming in contact with the hardwood floors.

her head tilted back to look up at you, her fangs being the first thing that caught your attention before her blue eyes did. you smiled back at her.

you sighed as you felt your skirt being tugged down your legs, pooling around your ankles along with your ruined panties. you were still wet from the interaction with billie earlier.

the feel of her legs squeezing your head made you insane. you just never wanted the moment to end.

the girl took her time slipping your skirt and panties off your ankles, eyes focused on your face the entire time.

"touch me already, bills.." your tone was whiny, head falling back against the front door out of impatience, "please. i need you in me s' bad."

the girl beneath you groaned quietly, shuddering at your words.

"want you to fuck me hard, 'til i can't take it n'more." you were slurring your words now, squirming around under your girlfriends lustful gaze.

she smiled again, chuckling before she stood on her feet again, lips meeting yours in another heated kiss. her tounge kept running along your bottom lip, and every time it just made you want her more.

billie pulled away for a few seconds to help you remove your shirt, muttering quiet demands that you obeyed without a second thought.

your bra was next, her hands snaking around to your back and undoing the hook on your bra. you helped her by sliding the straps off your shoulders, throwing the piece of fabric into the small pile of clothes next to the two of you.

the black-haired girl didn't wait another second to capture your lips in hers again, her hands moving up your body and grabbing your tits.

her fingers rolled your nipples between them, her mouth catching all your whiny noises and needy moans. she loved seeing you such a mess for her.

"gonna make you cum over and over again, ma." she whispered, lips moving down to your chest to leave more marks there, "you'd like that, no? you'd like being used as a slut?"

your head nodded furiously, nails digging through your girlfriends shirt and leaving subtle crescent-shaped marks on her waist.

billie bit down on your collarbone, making you wince at the small amount of pain from her fangs, "need to hear words from that pretty mouth of yours."

"mhm, yes. 'm your slut, use me, baby." billie earned a whimper as her lips wrapped around your nipple, her fangs grazing over it every so often.

you were a moaning mess by the time she switched to the other one, giving it the same treatment. her hands were on your waist, grip tight and possessive.

the impatience was starting to get to her, and before you could even speak, she grabbed your hand and led you to the couch quickly.

her hands went to your shoulders, gently pushing you to lay back on the cushions. billie continued to stand at the end of the couch, taking off her hat and throwing it onto the coffee table.

next was her glasses, doing the opposite of what she did with her hat and placing them gently on the table before going round and crawling on top of you.

her tongue peeked out to wet her lips, eyes raking down your exposed chest with a certain hunger behind them.

"you're so fuckin' gorgeous. my perfect girl." billie praised, eyes rolling back at the way you whimpered.

her hand grabbed your thigh, her thumb running imaginary shapes along the soft skin before she got to her knees in front of the couch.

you sat up, realizing what she was gonna do as you spread your legs. billie sighed at how wet you were, looking up at you before her head dipped between your thighs.

her tongue slipped into your entrance, thrusting in and out as her nose bumped your clit. your smell and taste were intoxicating.

she hated how much her senses were heightened around you, she almost never was able to resist the urge to fuck you right then and there.

"oh my god," you moaned, already breathless from the way she marked you earlier. this was by far the most you've been worked up, "s' good with your mouth, baby."

her hands only spread your legs further, wanting nothing more than to eat you out uninterrupted.

she whined as her tongue picked up the pace, hips bucking instinctively.

her fingers took her tongues place, pumping in and out of your pussy at an almost inhumane pace.

her soft lips wrapped around your clit as she looked up at you through her lashes, smiling at the look on your face.

you looked so fucked out already, and she wasn't even close to being done with you.

"mmh, fuck! yes, yes, right there!" your lips stayed parted, letting out loud and raspy noises just for billie.

her fingers curled again, hitting that deep spot inside of you. her torture on your clit was also unrelenting, never faltering in speed as she continued to suck.

a breathy moan was heard from above billie, and then she felt your juices on her tongue. a satisfied groan fell from her lips and went straight to your pussy, adding to the already overwhelming pleasure.

"s' good, fuck. yes, baby..." you whimpered, hips bucking wildly against your girlfriends face as her fingers slowed.

as soon as your hands moved to push billie away, she pulled back, getting to her feet to look down at your fucked-out expression.

she pressed a kiss to your forehead before rounding the couch and going towards your bedroom.

you hummed in confusion, standing up and following close behind her.

the bathroom door was closed when you walked in, so you just decided to sit at the edge of your shared bed.

she said she was gonna ruin you, and billie always kept her word.

shuffling was heard from the bathroom, and your thighs squeezed together at the many thoughts that came to you.

when the bathroom door opened, your head quickly turned. a whine fell from your lips as you saw billie standing there, fully naked.

the dark silicone cock was strapped around her waist, and your full attention was on that even as she walked towards you.

her hands went to your shoulders, pushing you to lay back down on the edge of the bed. her eyes met yours as she towered over you, grabbing the fake cock and swirling it around your entrance in a teasing manner.

you shuddered at the action, hands moving to grip the sheets harshly. you were still sensitive from the previous orgasm she had given you, and the way she moved was only making you more overwhelmed.

"please," you breathed out, eyes shut as your hips bucked up against her strap.

billie chuckled at your neediness, pushing just the tip in and earning a quiet moan from between your pretty lips, "c'mon, you can ask nicer than that."

"please, please just fuck me, bills. need you inside me." you sighed, and billie couldn't wait any longer.

she thrusted her hips forward, pushing her entire length into your swollen pussy in one motion. a choked moan escaped, your knuckles turning white from how hard you grabbed the sheets.

bille huffed quietly as she held herself up with one hand, her free hand grabbing at your tit and rolling your nipple between her fingers. her eyes stayed on your face, occasionally fluttering shut as the base of the strap hit her clit perfectly.

you were a mess of moans and whimpers as billie pounded into your swollen pussy, hands going up to her back and leaving crescent-shaped marks where your nails dug in.

"shit, don't stop. please." a breathy moan tumbles from your lips as she grabs your waist, pulling your body closer to hers.

her strap was hitting you deeper now, and billie felt like she could just cum just by watching you writhe and whine underneath her. you were driving her insane.

a hand slid from your inner thigh all the way up towards your neck, her rings making goosebumps rise on your warm skin. her ringed-fingers wrap around your throat gently, applying the smallest amount of pressure.

she loved seeing you like this, such a mess just for her. and her alone, "you're such a slut, mamas."

you gasped as you felt her bare chest against yours, the warmth of her body relaxing you further. her lips grazed over your earlobe as she spoke those dirty words, and they just spurred you on further.

"falling apart on my cock and we've only just began. are you really that desperate to cum?" she whispered, clicking her tongue on the roof of her mouth before she kissed your temple.

tears pricked in your eyes at the amount of pleasure she was giving you, and when her free hand came down to rub tight circles along your clit, you lost it.

a cry came from your mouth as the tears finally fell down your cheeks, your mascara getting ruined in the process. billie only chuckled, pulling away to look at your fucked-out state.

her head tilted to the side, and you could tell by the way her pupils dilated that she wanted to taste you again. suck you dry.

her fangs protracting for the 3rd time that night. you gave her a nod in confirmation, but she didn't take that. she wouldn't because she wanted to break you.

"didn't i tell you to use your words?" she whispered, "or have i fucked you so hard you can't remember, hmm?" the way she hummed made your eyes roll back.

it was such a small thing, but it was so fucking attractive. you couldn't help it, really.

your head shook, lips parting in an effort to form a coherent sentence, "mmh.. no, 'm sorry. please—mmphh..—bite.. bite me."

she didn't need to be told twice, dipping her head down in the crook of your neck before biting down. hard and fast.

her thrusts never slowed down, only gradually getting faster as she approached her climax as well. she wanted you both to cum together, which was something that happened very rarely due to your impatience.

the way her teeth sunk into your neck only increased your pleasure as you moaned out, your fingernails definitely drawing blood as they raked down your girlfriends back.

"gonna cum, bills. please, lemme cum?" you whined, and billie hummed against your neck, sucking the dark blood from beneath your skin.

your mouth hung open as you came again, eyes squeezing shut as you heard billie grunt against your soft skin. she pulled her teeth out of your neck slowly, hands moving to either side of your body as she thrusted into you quickly.

her head hung low as she moaned in pleasure, dragging out her orgasm as the base of the strap continued to hit her clit.

her motions prolonged your orgasm as well, making you shuddered underneath her body as she continued to fuck into you like a wild animal.

the moment it felt like it was too much for her, she stopped, her body falling atop of yours as she rest her head on your shoulder.

"fuck." she breathed out, not wanting to pull out just yet as her arms came to rest on your waist.

you could only hum in response, vision hazy and thoughts blurred at the orgasm that your girlfriend had just given you.

your hands left her back, and billie hissed at the sudden stinging pain, "sorry. sorry, baby. i know it hurts."

billie sighed against your shoulder at your gentle words, relaxing at the way your fingers ran through her hair softly.

"'m tired.." the girl whispered, pulling her head away from your shoulder to look into your eyes. she could see that the feeling was mutual, and a smile came to her face.

you nodded your head, "me too. let's 'js clean up in the morning?"

billie hummed before wrapping her arms around your body and resting against your chest, sighing tiredly.

"i'm not pulling out, y'know?" her raspy voice broke the silence again, and you only chuckled, "gonna fuck you dumb in the morning. i'm gonna actually ruin you tomorrow."

"okay, baby," you rolled your eyes playfully, and billie thrusted her hips forward just to hear your pretty moans.

tags: @livialifesblog @mxqdii @mseilishmwah @hazelsbottom @sophlovesmeangirls

[devilander]

rain falls in love

homelander x gn reader. fluff, hurt/comfort, mentions of past abuse

Cozy Corner Domaystic: Thunderstorm

You were a light sleeper. Even minor disturbances would wake you instantly; your cat meowing, a neighborhood’s TV turned on, cars passing through the street. Whenever Homelander and you slept together you couldn't help but be slightly envious of how he could turn off the whole world—he slept like a stone, slept like the dead. 

Today, though, you doubted many could sleep through the thunderstorm that split New York’s sky. Each thunder louder than the other, sequences of lightning turning the apartment clear as day. And, courtesy of your boyfriend's gigantic windows, you felt enclosed in the roar of the night. 

For some, it could be an entertaining spectacle; nature's power a soothing balm, a way to make you contemplate how much of your worries were small and ephemeral—in the end, there was only the earth and the rain. 

You could, in theory, see the poetry of it. But all you felt was an overwhelming fear. The loud noises reminded you of your father's booming voice, the cracking of electricity too similar to his heavy hands landing on you. 

John was away, having left a week ago in some undisclosed mission. Undisclosed to the public, of course, because he told you in detail how, actually, he was going to take part in a non-authorized invasion of a terrorist cell. Or so he called it. 

You were alone. Only you and the storm and Popsicle purring in your lap, indifferent to his surroundings. 

After another furious thunder nearly frightening you to death, you decided to call John. Tears streamed down your face and you felt ridiculous—it’s only rain. And yet. 

He probably wouldn't pick up. If he did, he'd be too busy, what could he do?

In the first ring, however, he answered. “Hello, sweet face. Awake at this hour?”

“Oh, it's nothing.” You tried to disguise your sniffles, suddenly beyond embarrassed. “I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Silence, and then—

“Is it the storm, sweetheart?”

“Yes, yeah. I can't sleep, it keeps reminding me of… you know. I'm sorry for bothering you.”

“Don't you ever apologize to me for that, ever,” he retorted, voice tinged with anger, though you knew it wasn't aimed at you. 

“Can we—” Another thunder, and this time you yelped, scaring Popsicle so that he ran to hide under the bed. “God, I hate this,” you whimpered. “I just want you here. I miss you so much.”

“I miss you too, you precious thing. Fuck, this is bullshit. A fucking week here and we accomplished shit. They sent me the most incompetent team of motherfuckers, I'm up my ass with their whining and ‘but sir, mister Edgar said we should be cautious’.”

You laughed. “Sounds like a trifle.”

“Ugh, fucking tell me about it. A week without you for this bullshit. Y’know what, I'm out. Hold on there, honey, I'll be with you in a moment.” 

And he hung up. And the storm raged on, but you felt a giddy warmness settling on you. 

Not before long, he barged in, completely wet, but you couldn't care less. You ran to his arms, letting the raindrops seep through your clothes as tangible proof of his devotion. 

“You didn't need to come.”

“Ah, but I promised, didn't I? I'll be with you anytime you need me, and you need me now, don't you?”

You giggled, forgetting all about the fears. It was washed over. “I do. And you need a hot bath.”

“Hmph. You too, little baby. C’mon, join me.”

You sat behind him in the tub, washing his hair, enjoying every second of this quiet moment. He moaned at the contact and squeezed your thigh as it circled his waist. 

If the storm was a demonstration of nature's power, John was both its likeness and antithesis—he himself was a force to be reckoned with, an amalgamation of sheer strength and might. Created by men, but a victim of them. You could understand that, quite intimately.

He gave you security in his power, and you gave him peace in your tenderness—the value of a whisper to a snowbank. 

“John,” you whispered. “I love you. I'll keep you forever, because you belong to me and I to you. Will you let me?”

You felt, more than you saw, his deep breath, swallowing back tears you knew were spilling down his cheeks. You didn't care what they said, what he did looking back in anger, because this was the only truth. 

“Yeah…” He choked up, but soldiered on. “Yeah, my love. I'm never letting you go. I fucking love you to pieces.”

As you lay in bed together you decided—in the end, there was only he and you. 

[hussyknee]

THE LEFTIST THIRD PARTY HAS WON SRI LANKA'S PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

WE HAVE A PRO-LGBT, PRO-UNION, ANTI-ETHNOFASCIST, ANTI-IMPERIALIST PRESIDENT. MY ANTHROPOLOGY PROFESSOR IS GOING TO BE PRIME MINISTER. A COMPETENT ACADEMIC WHO HAS WORKED ON FEMINIST INITIATIVES AND RESEARCH ALL HER CAREER.

please please please please god don't let them fuck this up don't let them turn into a bunch of cunts to retain their new voter base don't let them fuck up the economy don't let them let the minorities down please please please they won't ever get another chance if they ruin this one we'll be stuck with more idiot corrupt nepo babies till we die please please please PLEASE LET THIS BE THE END OF THE EXECUTIVE PRESIDENCY AND PREVENTION OF TERRORISM ACT AND PERSECUTING THE NORTH please please please let them decriminalize being gay and not bury LGBT rights please please please let there be a god I can't take anymore of this shitshow please please please don't let hope be something that keeps pissing in our faces please please please please please please please

ANURA KUMARA DISSANAYAKE WILL BE THE NINTH PRESIDENT OF SRI LANKA. TAKE THAT YOU TWO PARTY VOTING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Edit:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN FUCKING COLOMBO WENT TO THE IDIOT NEPO BABY???

AKD HAD 52%!!!!! HE WAS ALL BUT SWORN IN?????

THEY HAVE TO COUNT THE SECOND PREFERENTIAL VOTE FOR ONLY THE SECOND TIME IN HISTORY??

There is a very real chance that nobody will get over 50% of the vote. That would be really, really bad.

Fuck.

I HATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING URBAN MIDDLE CLASS LIBERAL CUNTS SO MUCH. PLAGUE ON THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTRY. FUCK YOU.

Edit 2:

Ok so first counting gets AKD 42% and SP 32%. It's very likely the preferentional vote will put him over the 50% line.

It's so poetic that Ranil's greed for power ended up handing the country to the very Marxists that his uncle hunted like animals. You love to see it. 🥰

Edit 3:

So the preferential vote didn't give anyone a 50% majority and we're still at AKD 42% and SP 32%. But apparently that's enough to declare AKD President as per the Constitution. I don't think that's ever happened before. He was sworn in an hour ago.

Point of clarification: The NPP are not Marxists. Foreign news is just uncritically regurgitating the pro-government Red Scare propaganda. AKD and his JVP party used to be Marxists back in the '80s and '90s. They're now more very pro-union socialist. The NPP is their coalition, which is even more mildly social democrat and just happens to be a little more left than the other two. Calling them a Marxist is like how MAGA thinks the Dems are commies. 😂

I truly don't have great hopes that much will change, but there's a chance one or two important things might. Which is more than we've been able to hope for in decades.

See this post for a run down of the what's really been happening.

Edit 4:

I retract the "openly bisexual" part with many apologies. I completely misremembered. It wasn't AKD but JVP senior K. D. Lalkantha, who said in a 2018 interview is that he has also had same sex encounters with his friends as a boy and young man, and that he knows others who have had as well. And he specifically said he doesn't see the need to maintain a label for his sexuality. Still, the fact that his party allowed this in a country that still criminalises homosexuality, to a Sinhalese magazine, speaks to a commitment to LGBT rights. He also explicitly stated his support for women's rights, trans rights, polyamory, open relationships, explicit sexuality in media. It's impressively progressive for this country. The interview is in Sinhala and you can read it here.

Here's an excellent write-up of AKD's career, political outlook and creation of NPP in The Hindu by correspondent Meena Srinivasan, a journalist whose reporting I've always liked.

[acapelladitty]

take a drink from an empty cup

Pairing: Cooper Howard/Fem!Reader

Summary: Pursued by the infamous ghoul who is hunting you across the wastelands, you find that he has a very creative plan in place to punish you for your continued disobedience. (3.1k words).

(warnings for: cnc play, forced deepthroat, orgasm control, rope restriants, physical violence, oral sex, blood, threats of violence, unprotected sex, fingering, mild aftercare, dark humour, subspace, predator/prey)

Fic Masterlist

Link to AO3

Rapid feet kicking up soft plumes of red dirt as they pound across the dusty ground, the heat of the sun on your exposed skin bears down like a sheepskin blanket - your slickened skin feeling hot and uncomfortable despite the chill of anxiety which powers your frantic movements.

Panting as you duck behind the corner of a building, your ears strain for any sound, any whisper of your attackers whereabouts. Wearing only a tattered shirt and light-coloured panties, you're too consumed by fear to have any shame about your state of undress.

A low whistle forces your spine to straighten, eyes peeking around the corner as you watch him appear from the depths of a side street.

"Running ain't gonna save you, sweetie. Best give up before you really piss me off."

The Ghoul.

Cooper Howard.

The man hunting you with the casualness of a cat preying on an injured bird, certain of the victory to come.

You could hear it in his voice, in the way that his low tones carry with ease across the abandoned town as they swept across you with the breeze.

"If you're unlucky enough, you might catch the attention of the gang in the next town over. I hear they use their finds to entertain the dogs or sometimes the odd deathclaw if it's behaved well enough." Cooper paused, his head visibly scanning the ground as he sought out your messy tracks. "Hell, might even do that myself if you keep playin' so hard to get."

His footfalls are steady as they approach the corner you're hiding behind, the polar opposite of your own trembling limbs, and a surge of strength forces you to push off from your hiding spot and make a break for it. You don't dare turn around and look at him but you hear his speed increase as he zeroes in on his hunted prey.

He's faster, he always is, and his hands lock around your shoulders as the solid heat of him pulls you flush to his chest.

"Caught you, sweetheart. Now let's see about taking what's mine."

Body thrashing as the hard bulge of his cock presses against the lower end of your back, a feral howl - half fear and half rage - claws free of your throat and you slam your elbow back. It connects with his groin, and his hands drop from your shoulders like they had burned him as his face twists into a violent scowl.

"Motherfucker!" Cupping his cock through his slacks with a tender motion, you take the momentay distraction to run once more and refuse to look back at him as he recovers and continues to hollers his threats after you. "You'll pay for that, darling. Eye for an eye and I take mine with teeth."

You run on adrenaline, the frayed shirt whipping around your upper thighs with every quick turn as you seek out an escape route. Eyeing up a set of wooden stairs which lead to the upper level of a nearby building, you bolt for them with a sudden swing of your hips.

You don't feel the rope of the lasso closing around your foot until it's too late.

One moment, you're running, and the next you find yourself slamming into the wooden boards with a pained yelp - your knees and tits catching on the edge of the stairs as your mouth glances off the banister, bursting your lower lip in a sharp flash of pain as the taste of copper immediately fills your mouth.

Stunned as hell, you can't even catch a breath as you flip to your back, staring up at the unforgiving sun.

Cooper, his hand coiled around the other end of the rope, is just as unforgiving and he tugs the length with a vicious heave - the pressure enough to snatch you closer and pull you down a few stairs. The strong wood clatters against the back of your head with a horrid intensity, the bump of two stairs causing stars to flash in your vision as they leave a dull ache in their wake.

He's on you like a pack of wild dogs, his body dropping atop your own to pin you to the stairs by the sheer weight of him. Bruised and battered, you can't muster the strength to fight him off and instead the pathetic writhe of your body only seems to excite him more as his face swims before your own.

"Seems to me like you owe me an apology, little lady. Now," Cooper pauses and his hand wraps around your chin to force you to meet his eye, "I could be a bad man and treat you nasty, beating that lovely hide til it bleeds and glows even redder than mine, but that's not what's gonna happen here."

Whimpering, his knee drops to press roughly against your lower stomach, emphasising just how utterly trapped you were as his smug, leathered face blocks the sun from your gaze.

"Where I'm from, we kiss and make up, and since it wasn't my mouth you chose to smack up, I think you'll be better suited putting those pretty lips elsewhere."

"N-no." You stutter out, a low whine increasing in pitch as his other hand pulls at your hair, his grip igniting fire in your scalp. "Please, no."

His hand scores across your face, the blow not enough to cause any real pain outside of disturbing your busted lip, but definitely enough to put an end to your refusals as you gaze up at him with watery eyes.

"Bite and I'll take those teeth, mind." Cooper warns, his brow furrowing in warning as the hole of his nose flares. "One by one. I'm sure you've taken ghoul cock before, sweetheart. What's one more, huh?"

As he speaks, he frees his cock with an excited grunt and his grip on your hair grows even more rough while he yanks at the strands to encourage your lips to part, uncaring of the split lip which is still gently bleeding.

"Nice and slow."

Incapable of doing much more, you open your mouth and accept his cock with a low whimper. He's already excited and as the tip of his cock glances off your tongue, you can taste his pre-cum, the pearly liquid more acrid than anything you'd tasted before. His cock is thick, the girth of it already threateneing to make your jaw ache as he slides himself across your mouth a few times - testing out your limits with a tight control.

"Oh yeah." Cooper rumbles. "This'll do. Time to work on your breathing, sweetheart."

Canting his hips forward, the tip of his cock buries itself down your throat and the suddenness of the movement makes your body startle - reawakening the various aches of your earlier fall as you choke around his cock and desperately claw at his clothed thighs with your fingers.

He ignores your distress, instead focusing on his own pleasure as he alternates between using his hand to guide your head along his cock and thrusting his own groin forward; both actions merciless in their treatment as an obscenely wet noise fills the space.

Head bobbing along his cock forcefully, nausea rises in your chest as his textured skin rams into the back of your throat - sparking your gag relax as you swallow around his cock in open panic.

"Keep massaging my cock like that, darlin', and I won't make it to the main event."

Cooper growls the words, smirking down at your misery as your vision swims, and he snatches his cock free with one swift pull.

Coughing and spluttering, you inhale big gulps of air and they burn your lungs like fresh hell - a light-headedness making your skull pound as you desperately try to fix yourself.

Lying like a broken marionette doll, your strings well and truly cut, you can't do anything but whimper anew as his rough hands grip their way up your thighs to cup at your cunt though your panties.

"You'll not be needing these any time soon." Cooper grunts, ripping the panties from you with a wicked strength; the fabric tearing like paper as you shudder and attempt to close your thighs around his hand. A move which quickly draws a low cry from your lips as he responds by pinching at your clit roughly with two fingers.

"Play nice, sweetheart, or I'll play rough. And you won't like that as much. In fact-"

The world spins as he flips you from your back, strong hands easily maneuvering you to ensure that your body is positioned on the stairs to allow him easy access to your holes - your head pressing into a higher stair as you tilt your face to allocate the pressure on your busted up lip.

Something like a sob slips free of your lips as one of his hands presses down heavily on your lower back, forcing your ass to arch up higher, as his other hands cups at your sex once more.

"Hmm, but which hole to use? I'm sure that hole has seen enough action to make any ride as smooth as a whisky sour." His fingers tease along your slit, refusing to push any deeper as they trail up to your skin and brush along the rim of your ass. "But then, if I want a tighter ride then maybe this fine ass would be better, might even learn you a lesson about showing respect too. I ain't afraid of a bucking bronco and I'm sure you'd take it like a champ."

"Not there." You mutter out, voice defeated. "Please."

"Hmm, then you better be good and I'll see about giving the little whore what she wants." You can hear the smirk in his tone as he gropes your body like a butcher measuring up a fresh hunk of meat. "Say it, sweetheart, ask me to fuck you and I'll let you choose."

"Plea-please fuck me?" The words taste sour against your tongue, the heat from his body making your head feel fuzzy. That, or the multiple knocks on the stairs were finally getting to you. Regardless, tears threaten the corners of your eyes once more as you are forced to play his little game. "I want you to- to fuck me."

"Well now," giving a low whistle as he lines the blunted head of his cock up with your cunt, Cooper has the gall to sound smug at the ask, "what kind of gentleman would I be to ignore such a request from a pretty little thing?"

With a single thrust of his hips, he buries his cock to the hilt within your cunt and the sudden burn of your flesh as it's forced to stretch and give way to his cock draws a strangled yelp of pain from your lips. His earlier actions having sparked some arousal in your traitorous frame, you weren't fully dry and Cooper chuckled lowly as his felt the moisture surrounding his cock as he stilled his hips.

"Well, well, well." He growls, his groin hot against your own as his balls hang heavy against your cunt. "Looks like this little hellcat isn't as unwilling as she wants me to think. You're soaked, sweetie."

Hot shame making you slam your eyes shut as you adjust to the pressure of his cock, you feel the heat of your walls being pulled roughly as he starts to lazily thrust. Every stroke is awful in how determined it is to make you feel every textured inch of his cock, Cooper pulling free until only the head is breaching your hole before slamming deep once more - his cock glancing off your cervix painfully.

Worse than that, is just how good it feels.

The ridged and slightly rough texture of his cock stimulates every nerve in your heated hole and the betraying arousal only serves to make the growing band of arousal in your gut even more cruel in its intensity.

It's uncomfortable, it's hot, and it's so fucking good.

Body aching despite the distraction of his cock, you try to focus on the building pleasure as a means to escape the other more shitty feelings which afflict you. In spite of it all, the tight band of pleasure across your groin is undeniable and his cock seems to brush the sensitive spot inside you with pinpoint precision, every thrust making your toes curl while you whimper and whine.

You come with a startled gasp, waves of pleasure crashing through your body as your cunt spasms around his cock - pulling him deeper as your walls milk him for what he's worth. He seems to appreciate it though, as his pace - if possible - grows even sloppier and his groin makes a obscene slapping noise while it bounces off your ass.

Overly sensitive, you squeak in discomfort as he continues to fuck himself into you without mercy; dragging your orgasm out until you're cunt feels heated and your limbs ache from the constant flex of the muscles. He's vocal too - grunts and low growls of pleasure marking his movements as his thick hands pin you into place to give his cock unfettered access to your hole.

Eventually, you feel his cock give a very definite twitch within your cunt and you gasp anew as a fresh heat floods your walls; his release pumping itself as deeply within your hole as it can while he remains flush against your ass.

"Goddamn, sweetie. Ain't nothing like it."

He pulls his cock free, the hardened length only just beginning to wilt and you feel the mess that coats every inch as it slips free. Body feeling well used and deliciously uncomfortable, you stay in place, unsure of what he plans for you next and in no fit state to escape without further injury.

"Smooth as a whisky sour." Cooper repeats his earlier words, his voice sated and low with his satisfactory use of your hole. "But i'm sure you got another good one in you."

His hand is harsh against your back again until the pressure forces your ass up higher - the combined mess in your cunt dripping free to the wooden stair below.

Panic reignites in your chest as a sinking feeling alerts you to his plans.

"I can't- please, don't! Please!"

He ignores you and you feel his rough fingers pressing along your slit until he finds the target of his little game - your clit already swollen and making itself an easier target. His forefinger grazes the nub and the intensity of the touch makes you howl as fresh lightning scores across your spine.

It only takes him a few deliberate movements, rough strokes giving way to a more gentle circling motion and your cunt clenches around nothing as he easily pulls a second orgasm from you; your legs painfully tense as you bury your cries in the skin of your forearm and hump your cunt in the warm air, wordlessly encouraging his fingers to push you even further.

"Greedy little thing." Cooper chastises, enjoying how pathetic your movements are as the shame of being forced to come around his fingers only serves to make the pleasure all the sweeter. "Look at how shameless you are, darling', pretending that you aren't desperate to be wrapped around my cock again."

Denying it with a frantic shake of your head, you ride his fingers regardless until he takes pity and pulls his hand away from your overstimulated and aching cunt - your legs trembling and fists clenching against the hard grain of the wooden stair.

Cooper exhales deeply, his body rolling from your own as he lays flat out on the stair by your side. The scent of sex and sweat hands heavy in the heated air, a pungent aroma that speaks to just how roughly he had treated you and your fingers are quick to sink into the lapels of his leather duster as you inch closer to him.

Sensing your movements, Cooper extends his arm overhead and allows you to burrow in close to his side, your legs hooking within his own while a pained gasp slips free of your lips as the motion causes the ache in your sex to sting anew. The gasp forces a soft coughing fit, your abused throat really forcing its attention as you shiver in place.

Wordlessly, Cooper sinks his hand deep within his side pocket and pulls free his flask, handing it off to you with a pointed look.

"Thanks." You croak out. Taking a deep swig, the warm water may as well have been taken from the most pristine, crystal blue spring as the relief it pours through your gritty throat and aching, heated limbs is like pure heaven.

Thoroughly fucked and satisfied, the comedown of your activities draws a fresh shudder from your spine as you hand Cooper back his flask - his blazing eyes watching your every move with pinpoint precision.

"Need anything else, sweetheart?" His voice is low and raspy, saturated with the same satisfaction as your own and his features are loose as his arm wraps around your lower back to keep you close.

Shaking your head, you blurt out the first thing that springs to mind. "Didn't mean to hit you in the dick."

At that, Cooper chuckles; a genuine laugh that rumbles through his chest as his head tilts back ever so slightly. Like this, in the post-fuck haze, he's at his most muted and content - his expression open and relaxed as he enjoys the feel of you against him.

"Liar." He accuses without fire. "Suited me fine though, darlin', cause it made it easier to smack you down those stairs."

Your little games were an idea of your own making, his enthusiasm taking some time to come around until he was convinced that you were eager and willing despite your actions.

"Great." Tired and slightly nauseous, you can't help but smile at him as the ragged edge of his nose hole flares with his suppressed amusement. "You banged me up good. My lip is fucked."

"Fucked more than just that, sweetie. You almost got away this time."

"Liar." You parrot his earlier words.

"Gotta say though, you're getting much better at swallowing my cock down-"

Interjecting quickly, you roll your eyes at him. "Didn't have much of a choice."

"-getting a bit too good mind. Might have to start making some scratch from those skills. Put you to good use. What do you think?"

The sun beating down on your skin as the uncomfortably sticky mess from between your thighs continues to drip free of your abused cunt, a weariness sets into your bones as you cling to him with desperate fingers - a strong desire to drift off into a short nap clawing at your senses.

"You're too much of a jealous son of a bitch." You sigh out, closing your eyes as you focus on the beat of his heart as it thrums beneath your ears. "You'd kill the first man to look at me funny."

Sensing your fatigue, Cooper matches your exhale with one of his own as he fixes his hat across his forehead.

"Sleep, sweetheart. We'll pick this dumbass conversation up when you're not dripping like an old faucet."

Eyes slipping close, the nasty comparison draws a smirk from you regardless as you wrap your leg around his own with a tighter grip and settle in for a recovery nap.

[weebsinstash]

When I say with my entire being in my heart of hearts that I know with certainty that this-this-this THING right here would do the absolute most unbelievable petty gross obsessive dahmer level shit to you

He's petty he's evil he's got a childlike fascination for seeing what breaks people down and I hate him I hate him I hate him but ALSO what that dick do tho? 🤔

Mahito is the yandere over here doing shit like imprisoning you for his own selfishness and perhaps genuine affection but making you live in absolute deplorable conditions because He's Not Fucking Human And He Doesn't Even Know How To Feed You. He locks you away and disappears for an entire day and comes back with like a single can of wet dog food that he watches you eat from a squatting position like 5 inches away looking at you like Harley Quinn and the egg sandwich. Motherfucker would take all your clothes because he wants to see more of "the natural shape of you" and then doesn't understand why you start shivering. Or he deliberately keeps you like that because he wants to see how long it takes you to crack and beg him for help. He wants to see the depths of your pride as you refuse to grovel, curious of the lengths you'll go, the limits of your body against the chill

This depraved fuck will do dehumanizing little emotional experiments on you where he does shit just because he wants to see how you think and feel and what you'll do and I mean like he'll do SOME REAL SHIT. I'm talking maybe he's stalking you and you can't fight or use cursed techniques and you think he's just like, a human shaped spirit or something who's just a trickster, he's not being violent or getting you alone or anything yet, and then you come home to your apartment one day and he's literally disemboweled your cat on your coffee table and he's playing with pieces of it and says you were giving it more attention than him and sits there pouting as you scream and even tries to like touch you or hold your hand or hug you with. The fucking blood covered hands. like he would be so fucked up on purpose, "awww do you need me to hold you? You're so sensitive but i dont mind :3"

This man out here like "wdym you want me to stay away from you, all I did was kill your cat kill your mom kill your neighbor kill your best friend kill your boss' cousins' landlords' newborn baby BUT WAS THAT REALLY SO BAD 🥺" and does something infinitely worse to scare/coerce you into tolerating his presence

I'm not really uh into body horror or gore but as a side detail I feel like. Uh. There's like a legitimate risk of him actually unintentionally REALLY hurting you and has to use his powers to heal you. Like the one good thing he does is if he were to have you on death's door or like horribly injured he could just. Fix it. He twists a limb in a way he doesn't know it's not supposed to go and breaks it and then puts you back together like a broken toy while ooo'ing and aaa'ing at the way your skin stretches over the grotesque misalignment. Dare I say the horror of "him putting things that are way too big or weirdly shaped in you" also yeah he's one of the things he's putting in you and he's got a really gross like fascination with learning all about that stuff

He's really living just to see how many different ways he can make you cry and how many different emotions he can get you to display, just absolutely dedicated to terrorizing you while also chasing his own internal weird repressed desire for his own sort of belonging. You could be sitting there sobbing and he's either borderline getting off on it or he's standing there MAKING FUN OF YOUR CRIES like deadass even fake crying back to you

And the worst part is he'll do all this fucking shit to you and then the night comes and he'll still be over here like "and you'll let me cuddle you while you sleep right? 👉👈" and he'll be doing that Every. Single. Night. And what are you gonna do, try and kill yourself? Have fun risking accidentally making yourself a Curse and being stuck with him basically FOREVER

[foone]

Alternative names for humanity along the lines of "Homo sapiens" (Wise man) and "Pan narrans" (Storytelling Chimpanzee) that I'm too lazy to look up/make up Latin for:

chef ape

throwing ape

walking ape

The idea being that we're apparently unique in the animal kingdom in that we cook our food, so we're the Chef Apes. We're also one of the best animals at throwing things: humans have more accuracy and strength when throwing stuff than other apes, by a long shot

And apparently our ability to walk slowly for ages was key to our early survival as persistence predators. We can't outrun a gazelle or mammoth or whatever, but we don't tire easily and so we can just keep following it until it runs out of stamina

Pan basipila: the baseball playing Bonobo

If only baseball had a cooking element, it would be the perfect Human Sport.

We need to devise a sport where you cook something, follow someone for a long time, and then throw it at them.

The most human thing is the surprise pie to the face

Also as much as I like Terry Pratchett's suggestion of "Pan narrans" I wouldn't be surprised if we turn out to not be the only animal that tells stories...

Elephants. I bet elephants do.

Like, there was that case where an injured elephant went to a ranger station for help. One it had never been to before, but other elephants had.

The theory being then that some other elephant had told this elephant "hey if you're hurt, go here, the humans will help"

That, combined with how they have burial rituals (some which might indicate there's an elephant religion!), and that we're working on figuring out how elephants communicate...

It wouldn't surprise me if we learn sometimes in the next decade or two that "oh yeah, elephants tell stories too. They've got FICTION."

So "Pan narrans" isn't what I'd want to bet on as our uniquely human thing.

But at the end of the day, maybe the whole idea of there being a uniquely human thing is, in itself, just another story we're telling.

So maybe it is a good fit after all.

But I especially like the idea that we're the Baseball Ape because I have this image in my head of a galactic council of aliens. Some angry alien who looks like Cthulhu had a baby with a spider has the floor, and they're ranting about "why do the Hu-mons deserve a seat?"

The Crogath are stronger, the Eldru are smarter, the Cybernetic Essense lives longer, the Dromans go farther and faster, the Moltriri have us beat in fiction and poetry, what is so special about these damn bipedal fleshbags that makes them unique in the universe?

And then WHAM. Right between the eyes. A handheld translator device, a bit bigger than a modern smartphone, beans the speaker out of nowhere.

And there's an (untranslated) yell in the chamber as the prime representative calls for order.

"WE CAN THROW, MOTHERFUCKER!"

(it takes a while to properly explain the insult. Crogathi (especially drones) don't really have mothers or sexual reproduction, so they don't really get why that would be an insult. It's finally translated as something like "bud-biter")

and it's true. even after the World Series becomes the Galactic Series, no non-human team ever manages to win.

The Eldrul Librarians almost make the cut in 2486 but accidentally piss off the ghost of Colonel Sanders and end up inheriting the Hanshin Tigers' curse.

alien textbooks describe The Colonel as some kind of human patron deity of baseball and cooked avian food, who should not be disrespected at all costs, or his vengeance from his place beyond the grave will be swift and punishing

(they're right)

"Look, we can't PROVE he was why Gemini Noctis went supernova unexpectedly, but given the protests that had happened right beforehand, and the incredible powers ascribed to the human spirits, do you really want to risk it?"

the funniest possible future: humanity gets a key place in galactic politics because we're never able to adequately convince the universe at large that our ghost stories are just that, stories, and they're terrified shitless that we'll unleash spectral torment on them

"humans? look man, living humans are a pushover. you can easily rip them in half, crack their planets with a quark bomb, their ships are little more than tin cans with a tachyon drive taped on the side. but it's not the living humans you have to worry about... it's the ghosts."

"humans are a bit like the Nontilek, with a two-stage lifespan, a grub and an adult. What you think of as "adult" humans is just their infant stage, and they only fully transform once they "die". Once fully hatched into Ghost form, their powers are almost limitless."

you want humans off a colony planet and bomb them from orbit? good luck, now you have a few million ascended humans who can pass through solid matter and can't be killed, and they will never rest until you and your descendants are gone or dead.

you don't believe me? look at this: One of their most popular stories is about them building an empire that spanned a large chunk of their little planet, then having it MURDER THEIR OWN GOD.

It only worked for a few revolutions, and he just came back, promising that one day all of them would join him in the next phase of their lifespan.

They still, to this day, thousands of orbits later, erect little statues of the means they used to execute their deity.

not even the Crogathi, who literally worship death itself, tell stories that frightening to their newly hatched grubs.

Humans are scary, man, stay away and just give them whatever they want.

the rest of the alien's education on the dangers of humans is just a selection of human movies. the sixth sense, poltergeist, ghostbusters, the shining, the devil's backbone, and, of course, field of dreams.

ghosts AND baseball? it's everything they're scared about humans all in one package!

the obvious twist you could do, of course, is simple:

the aliens are right.

humans are a two-phase species where the elder form has immense power but leaves communication and decision making to the younger form, which will be confused and angry if you acknowledge the presence of their elder-stage members among them.

this often leads to them cutting off contact or their elder-stage members causing immense damage through seeming "accidents" on the contacting vessel. This is believed to be some kind of religious prohibition that they are not able to explain.

so it's official contact protocol to pretend you cannot perceive the elder-stage humans among them, and to give them what they want to avoid possible retribution.

No means to combat elder-stage humans has yet been found, and the limits of their power is not known.

All alien captains are required to study the fate of the SS Ennolon, which contacted a lone human craft in the galactic year of 12,783. They had initiated contact and were getting along fine, until the human showed the Droman captain a picture of their "late father".

Captain Droless, accounting for the difficulty in telling humans apart, then pointed at the father sitting in a chair nearby and said "That is them, correct?".

The human looked at the chair, reacted in confusion, then anger, and asked the contacting crew to immediately leave.

It was another 400 cycles before contact could be reestablished between the Droman Federation and the Human Alliance.

the intergalactic guide describes humans as a powerful race of immortal energy beings who have the strange habit of sending their larvae out on missions around the galaxy, occasionally contacting other races, but refusing to acknowledge their elders, except in stories

they seem to frequently put their young in dangerous situations without lifting a hand to help, so this is suspected to be some sort of pilgrimage or coming-of-age ritual.

(From a twitter thread on October 1st, 2022)

[kremlin]

"This event ends the moment you write us a check, and it better not bounce, or you're a dead motherfucker" -- Big Bill Hell

There was a time when you'd see little old ladies paying for the groceries with a hand-written personal check, holding up the line, causing an immediately-forgiven slight sense of annoyance with those behind her. Buddy. Those days are over. They've been over. What, did you think you were going to just pop a couple extra zeroes on the end of your paycheck there? Maybe scan your paycheck, open it in photoshop, make a template, print em out all nice? You think you're the first to think of that, dipshit?

It takes the law a long time to catch up with the state of the art. You're reading this on the internet, which means you never use checks. The law has caught up. Your ass will be going to prison immediately and you will see zero return.

You can't even kite checks anymore, and hell, nobody under 40 will even know what that means, due to the blazing fast, two day settlement on all ACH transactions. Let me paint you a picture.

You get paid on Friday, but it is Monday, and bills are due on Tuesday. And you're broke: $0 in the bank. Goose egg. Pop open your checkbook, go to a store, "buy" some things, write a check for the amount. The cashier takes it!

Now take those things you "bought", across town, to another store location, and return them for cold hard cash. Sweet. Bills paid. Friday rolls around, and you just make it to the bank to deposit your paycheck before it closes. After the weekend, the checks you wrote finally post, and they don't bounce! You've kited a check. You've surreptitiously taken a zero-interest loan. And we know your broke ass. The interest rate on that short-term payday loan should have been straight up usurious. We're talking 29%. That makes predatory fuckers like us horny for sex. We're so mad. Now you are going to Federal Prison. For a good minute. Fuckface.

COST: $0.10 (With banks offering free checking accounts + Bic pen)

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor sleet, if you fuck with the mail, we'll rip your nuts off" -- Ronald Mail (Inventor of Mail)

Many people have this misnomer that the most powerful people in politics are democratically elected. The president, of the United States, of America, is a stupid cartoon hotdog. All of them, I don't care. Way less clout than you'd think. Brilliantly, it is the people that the hotdog president appoints who are actually doing anything significant. The director of the CIA. The fucking chairman of the Federal Reserve. Probably the, like, most senior, uh, general of the military, and shit too. I don't know, we don't "do" army here at Bloomberg. You probably don't even know their names! I don't! These are the ones you should be seeing in your sleep.

There's another position like that. Appointed directly by the hotdog. The Postmaster General. That's a real title. He's the CEO of the mail, and buddy, what he may lack in political power relative to the director of the CEO, he makes up in raw sexual energy. Total Tom Selleck energy. Like an airline pilot. We're talking Donald Sutherland in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I'm tentpoling in my black business slacks just writing this, and all my Bloomberg newsroom bros are peering over my shoulder and also tent-poling. We're not gay though, and especially me, I'm probably the least gay, but sometimes I just lay awake for hours at night what that mustache would feel like pressed against my lips, the unbelievable and utter, total sense of security I'd feel burying my head into his hard chest.

You get it. He's your dad. And if you fuck with the mail, you've fucked with the tools in your dad's garage. And dad's been drinking. You're in for it, bucko, you are in trouble. Do you think the United States Postal Service actually makes any money? Hell no. It costs like five bucks to mail a box basically anywhere I can think of and they give you the boxes for free. You can just walk in the post office and take them. I do that, and then just throw them away, I don't know why, some kind of compulsion. Being able to move shit around like this, quickly, cheaply -- Jesus H, I've got a huge amount of money in my bank account, probably tens of trillions of dollars (due to financial knowledge gained from reading Bloomberg articles) and I could probably mail every single person ever something and still come out in the black.

No way pal. They've thought of that already. The Postmaster General is going to know every time, and he's going to grab you by the shirt collar, wearing his cool as fuck hat, and you're going to get your pants pulled down, and your bare ass spanke...I need to go use the restroom real quick.

We rely on the mail system to get important shit done. It's not something to be taken lightly, and it isn't. Trust me. This is why, like almost every other person who receives mail in this year 2023, I just fucking put a wastebasket under my mail slot. I don't even shred that shit anymore. I just burn it. Takes less time.

COST: $0.63 (Postal stamp)

"Can call all you want, but there's no one home // And you're not gonna reach my telephone // Out in the club, and I'm sipping that bubb // And you're not gonna reach my telephone" -- Lady Gaga

I read something wild that the children of today do not know what a dial tone is, because of how fucked up and stupid they are. Isn't that super fucked up?

While it's not really our style, allow me to fill you in on some ancient, arcane knowledge about the telephone. You can turn it on, and then you can punch in numbers. Any numbers. Random ones, or maybe not random ones. If the ten numbers you punch in are the same as the numbers in someone else's telephone number, their phone will ring, and then you are talking to them. This is called "Phreaking".

Here's the kicker: You can tell that jackass anything you want. "Oh, Hi, Yes, I am Reginald Sumpter calling from Avalon Consulting LLC, we are just following up on the invoice we sent you. Please remit to ###### routing ###### account."

BOOM! Your name isn't Reginald whatever and that company doesn't exist, but you just received a deposit. It's fucking beautiful. What have you done wrong? It isn't your responsibility to handle who your business' clients/etc are, it's their's. If they want to just pay you money for no real reason, well, that's kind of on them, isn't it? I haven't stuck a pistol in your face and demanded everything in the register.

Well, it's too clever. It's too slick. This is the United States of America. It's one thing to commit a felony like armed robbery, it's another thing to piss off someone in charge of the accounting division who uses a special bathroom you need a key to get into.

You can do it on the computer too, I use a PC Computer at work and send email, so you can see how it'd work there. You can make a document that is indifferentiable from a real invoice and, straight up, 1/3 of the time they will pay that shit. Lmfao.

It's called wire fraud because, uhh, duhhhh, there's wires. What do you think that thing is strung between the telephone receiver and the dialer? And computers? Give me a break. There's so many wires with those.

COST: $0.25 (Coin for payphone)

"People calculate too much and think too little." -- Charlie Munger

It is insane how dumb the common man can be when it comes to our world of expertise. I hear this same sentiment, like, ALL THE TIME:

"Durr hurr I will buy an insurance policy for my car or house or whatever so that in case something happens to it I will get money". And then that same person proceeds to drive safely or not burn their house down. Dumbest crap imaginable.

Let me break it down for you. Insurance is a two player competitive game. There is a winner and there is a loser. Go take out an expensive insurance policy on your American sports car. Buy a neck brace, a football helmet, and pack that bitch with throw pillows. Then get in the left lane of a major highway at like noonish, let it rip and then SLAM on your brakes. Hit from behind! Your fault! Congratulations. You have won insurance. How this gets past people is beyond me.

You can only do this once or twice before the insurance companies catch on. Then they don't want to fuck with you. It is also..I don't know man...something feels off about taking a car or a house, which like, some guy had to build and just destroying it, but that is only a weird emotional thing, since you're making money, more than whatever the destroyed thing is worth, so in reality you've built that house plus some extra. You've contributed.

COST: $106.00 (Average monthly car insurance payment)

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

SUBSCRIBE TO MY WHATEVER FOR PART TWO, COMING SOON. i'll post it later today probably. whatever time frame will juice the numbers. have a sneaky peaky

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[writingoddess1125]

You've lost Privileges

Buggy X GNReader

Funny + Spicy-ish Fic!

This was random at like 2am so sorry if it's weird!! Enjoy my Darlings!

Support me on Ko-Fi

He was doing it on Purpose- you fucking knew he was... Buggy the Asshole of a Clown, one you shared a room with and had been dating for clearly too damn long-! There He was seated on his chair man spread for the whole world to see as he openly flirted with some members of his Crew.

The motherfucker had been doing this for 3 days, ever since you refused sex from him. Not being in the mood and admittedly being a bit rude about it since you were irritated about something else entirely- he had made it his mission to be a pain in your side since.

Openly flirting with crew mates, seemingly appearing naked in random spots. Wearing the scents he knew you liked, the shirts that showed off his arms and more. He was doing everything in his power to have you come back begging for his touch like the demon he was!-

Standing up angrily you March away, any crew near by deciding to move quickly out of your way as you marched. Buggy frowning deeply at this as he pushed off a crewmate who was a bit too close to actually touching him before getting up and going elsewhere, a grin on his lips.

You trained for a bit, Angrily throwing Axes at the large wooden boards for a few hours to blow off steam. Sometimes thinking of if it was Buggy instead.

You knew you were sexually frustrated, it had only been 3 days bit typically you guys were incredibly active! That and you knew if you went to him for sex he would just tease you and be a complete jackass about it- You couldn't let him win, especially with something like this.

After exhausting yourself well with throwing Axes you made you way back to the room you shared with Buggy and opened it, getting a little jump from the sight.

Walking into the bedroom you saw Buggy there, pantless and clearly taking some enjoyment of some open self pleasure while lounding on the bed.

"Ah (Y/N)! My lovely partner who decided they didn't want sex with me!"

"Buggy I told you I was just tired! You're the one who is being a dramatic baby about it!" You argue back and glare at your Bohfriend jerking off nonchalantly on the bed while trying to argue with you.

"Tired this and Tired that! You know I can just get my dick wet with someone else! Someone who will appreciate a higher sex drive! Maybe one of those contortionist! Or one of the muscles men!" He yelled, this set you off. You felt your chest bubble in anger, maybe it was the lack of sex him just jerking off infront of you or him being a total ass these last 3 days but you snapped.

"That's it!" You yell, Grabbing one of the knives from the desk in a flash and before buggy could register what was happening you sliced his dick Clean off and grabbed it. His balls just hanging there as he jumped up in total shock.

"W-Wait I need that (Y/N)!! You can't just take my cock away!" He yelled, still pantless as he stood there pointing at you with a deep blush on his cheeks.

"Well until you can stop acting like a dick, You won't have one Pretty Boy~ You've lost your Dick Privileges!" You yelled, Placing the organ in your coat pocket and made sure to keep a steady hand on it as you marched out the room. Ignoring the yells of a very flustered and pissed off Buggy behind you.

"(Y/N)!!! BRING MY COCK BACK!! MY COCK!!!"

AUTHOR NOTE: XDDD IM SORRY

[a-hazbin-reader]

Alastor X Reader Headcanons

✅️Romantic

❌️Platonic

TW: Jealousy, Implied catcalling, Harassment, Cannibalism?? Implied Biting, Possessiveness

Description: Alastor realizing the price he pays for having a total fox as an S/O

LOOK

Alastor is happy to show you off, you're his delicious, tasty, mouth-watering babe of a partner

He likes seeing the envy on other's faces when you two are together, likes having you on his arm

Love love loves having your attention solely on him, ignoring the rest of them

He loves rubbing the fact that you're his and his alone in everyone's face, he practically dangles you in their drooling faces just to snatch you up for himself in front of them

What Alastor doesn't love is when people try to take you for themselves, or take your attention from him

Or when they make you uncomfortable/annoyed/sad/the list could keep going

You often were catcalled or sometimes even followed when you walked alone, thirsty demons drooling/hooting over you as you walked by

It's all Alastor can do not to simply just hunt down every single offender, knowing you can take care of yourself

But still

You only need to ask

He never really imagined anybody would make a move on you until it actually happens

He only stepped away for one moment and when he came back some idiot was already flirting with you

Like backed you up against a wall while trying to win you over kind of flirting

Saying filthy things that made Alastor's skin crawl when he pictured it

You looked bored and annoyed 😒 arms crossed defensively over your body(any extra limbs are also tucked in close)

You were hardly listening, perking up once you saw Alastor coming back, moving to meet him halfway

Alastor knows you're tough, knows you can take care of yourself, but when he sees them actually go to make a grab at you

Motherfucker-

Not him physically ripping the offender away from you

Not him using his power to hold them down while he punishes them for even thinking of touching you

Just when he's about finished he'll ask you what their real punishment should be, leaving their fate in your hands

He just wants to please his lil boo-thang

If you choose mercy then Alastor will simply toss them aside and loop his arm with yours, continuing your day as if nothing had happened

If you don't choose mercy then Alastor will gleefully devour them right in front of you if, not even hiding the fact that he's showing off his more monstrous form

Then it's right back to whatever you two were doing before

"No, don't kiss me until you wash your mouth out!"

Maybe is a little more...clingy...after realizing that others are drawn towards you just as he is

He love hates how attractive you are, almost whining about it at times when you two are alone

As if you even asked to look so fine

Can't you just...always stay in the hotel or something???? No????

Maybe wear a collar that says "Alastor" on it???

Um no bitch

Bby why

Let him give you bite marks and hickeys for everyone to see??? Just a few~ He'll be so gentle~ Won't taste your super tasty blood at all~

Okay maybe you two found a compromise

"Alastor w-wait~ Not there~"

Not him biting you in public to mark his territory

Your mans is FERAL

[joi-me-hoi-me-noi]

Getting Kidnapped - BNHA/MHA

Features: Tomura Shigaraki, Shouta Aizawa and Kai Chisaki

A/n: I thought of this while I was taking a nap LMAO, let's get started and be sure to check out the rest of my writings...(there's only like 3 or 4 at this point :sob:)... it's very short but whatever, I enjoy being funny and writing this so yeah baby :))))

TOMURA SHIGARAKI -

You really didn't know how you got there. You were shocked but not that shocked, it was bound to happen eventually.

"Damn it's dark as a motherfucker in here. I just know they can't pay the light bill." Then the lights turn on to reveal the LOV.

"Oh...I guess you do pay the light bill. Hello." You go to wave but your hands are tied against the back of the chair.

"Greetings, L/n Y/n. Do you know why you're here?" "Nope." He pauses and just stares at you.

"You know some information that we don't, I'm going to need you to talk doll. Or else we'll torture you."

"You calling me pet names is already enough torture for me, crusty." You hear someone stifle a laugh from behind you.

"Glad to hear that someone enjoys my humor. Anyways, you got some water or something." Then your chair starts to get dragged into another room.

"That's right Dabi, take them into your room. Interrogate them." The door closes behind the two of you.

Time to work your own personal magic.

A couple of hours later, Shigaraki opens the door to Dabi's room, somber music plays in the background while you sit on the floor, untied, having a conversation with the burned man.

"Dabi! What are you doing?!" Tomura rips the hand off of his face and holds it tightly in his hands.

"Talking." He lays back on his bed, his head falling off the side of the bed.

"Why did you untie them?" He points at you and all you do is wave back with a big smile.

"They said the restraints were hurting them so I just untied them." Tomura shuts the door and lets out a scream of annoyance.

You laugh and whisper to Dabi. "Somebody's got their panties in a twist, don't they?"

SHOUTA AIZAWA -

As soon as you reached for an item inside of a random home, something tied tightly around your wrist.

"What the?" One sharp tug later and you're wrapped up tight, hanging upside-down from the ceiling. "Fuck..." You draw out the word in annoyance

You go to use your quirk and it doesn't work, nothing happens. Then a man with long black hair and tired eyes steps into the brightness of the moonlight from the darkness.

"Couldn't you do this another night or something?" He rubs his eyes and stares at you.

He walks around your bounded form as you try to spin yourself to look at the powerful homeowner.

"I mean I could, if you let me go that is." You flash a smile at him as he raises his brows.

"Afraid I can't do that. You'll be coming with me to the police station...in the morning. It's too late to be doing that now." Your eyes widened.

A handsome stranger taking you to jail...in the morning. IS HE STUPID?

"What if I find a way to escape from the restraints? What then?"

He tilts his head, a small grin finding its way onto his features. "You won't. You can't break this material."

He ties the end of the fabric to a hook and walks into a different room.

"Wait what about the blood rushing to my head!"

He comes back in and with a single pull of the fabric, you're tilted sideways like sleeping on a bed.

When the morning comes, a little girl is looking at you very confused. "Who are you?"

"Your Dad's friend, I was playing around with his scarf and got stuck. Could you help me?"

The little girl, without a second thought, unties the fabric from your body. You find a pen and a piece of paper to write down your number on to then, hand it to the girl.

"Give him this when he wakes up and no peeking."

You open the balcony door and wave goodbye to the girl before jumping off the glass railing. You shoot upward and rest on the roof, holding your phone in your hand, waiting eagerly for his response.

---inside the home---

"Mr. Aizawa." She pokes his side a bit hard which wakes him up.

"What's wrong Eri?"

She hands him a folded piece of paper.

"Your friend told me to give you this. They just left a bit ago."

His eyes widened as he shot up from his spot in bed, rushing into the living area. He opened the note and smirked, shaking his head.

The note read: 'that cute little girl let me out, told you I could leave...call me! xxx-xxx-xxxx XOXO'

KAI CHISAKI -

"Wow...this is a beautiful place you got here? Why am I tied up?"

He rolls his amber eyes and lays the chair against the couch behind you. He almost straddles your waist but he just stands there, looking down at you.

"You're filthy, I plan on fixing you."

You look at him with confusion. "I literally showered as soon as I got home from my job, what do you mean weirdo?"

He hated that nickname, his fingertips played with the bottom of his gloves. The glove comes off and he reaches forward to touch you, nothing happens

...his hands are really warm and soft.

"You must not do a lot of hard work since your hands are soft... you either moisturize or you're just lazy and have servants."

He's in shock but then scoffs at your comments.

"I'm a doctor but I can't cure you. You're still filthy."

You just shrug and smile up at him happily. "Okay, whatever you say plague guy. You'd probably die if you had a sip of McDonald's Sprite."

...what?