#cannot imagine being so brave. love is so pure and amazing the POWER OF LOVE!!!!

[sanchoyo]

thinking abt that text post I rbed like a week or so ago that was like abt being thankful for older butches existing in public. and I cant stop thinking abt it.

like retail def made me more evil and the job itself was miserable but one thing I did like abt working at walmart was the sheer amount of gay ppl there. specifically on my morning team there were SO many older butches. so many. like there were maybe 10-15 of us there on most days on that team and out of us 7-8 were gay and like 5 were older butches it was incredible. im talking like 50-70 yr olds that would tell me they loved my hair and my energy and my weird little pins. they would bring me donuts n tell me abt their wives (actually several couples worked on the team too...so wonderful to see gay love in public)

my manager was even a lesbian and I met her grown sons and her wife once and seeing older gay ppl doing well and thriving and having familes. idk man something abt that.

the other week me and my mom were out shopping and I met one of my cousins for the first time (we have a LOTTTT of cousins on her side of the family so this isnt unusual for there to be ones I've never met, I joke that we're related to everyone in the state, lol) and this was a man older than my mother, shopping with his husband, and my mom told me he was basically the first family member she can recall coming out, like back in the EIGHTIES. we live in such a conservative area and I'd never even heard of this guy, but he's related to us and has been so brave and living his truth for so long...idk I've just been emotional abt this lately.

I wish there was a non-weird way to reach out to older queer ppl and be like. thank you. thank you for existing publicly it means everything to me. I need them to know how much it means to see that.

and I try my best to do the same around my younger cousins too, to use the word lesbian and tell them its a good thing to love who you love and that ill always be there for them too even if some ppl in our extended family are homophobic, that theres more ppl who will love and accept them.

and my sister was telling me she met an older man at the salon who was telling her abt his husband, and my sister was telling her salon lady abt her gf at the same time, and the salon lady was being so sweet abt it.

and idk. im emo about it. I felt so isolated as a young preteen when I first realized I liked women bc I thought there was really no one like me around here. everyone was a christian and id heard a lot of ppl who said they loved me say gay ppl go to hell and. I was so scared theyd hate me and that I would be alone... and its like. no. older queer ppl have been here this whole time. and there will always be people that are accepting, and a lot of the reason my family was okay with it is because of older gay ppl. one of my moms old best friends at the time came out as a lesbian a few yrs before I did and I KNOW that impacted my moms opinion abt gay ppl, bc that lady was amazing and I actually still have a lot of ppg toys she would give us as kids.

im so thankful for every older gay person. I've been out for like 10 years now and I'm still choked up anytime I meet an older queer person... ;_;

[dangermousie]

Here it is - the moment my heart switches from like to love, for Crichton and the show, on every rewatch.

It is such a little moment. Aeryn and John escaped and Aeryn made contact with Crais, her superior officer. Of course, neither John nor Aeryn know that Crais wants to kill John because of the accident which killed Crais' brother (And this is so the Farscape ethos - John is doomed and hunted for a moment of pure bad luck that happened the moment he ended up here, a moment he did not know about and cound do nothing to change. As he said in a much later episode, they’ve basically found the map to the cruelty of the universe.)

And there is the scene. John is captive, peacekeeper guns all around him. Crais circling him like his personal piece of property (Poor John. This is only a start. This is not the Aurora Chair, not Grayza, not Scorpius, not Scarrans, not Harvey). John watchful and realizing the wrongness (and OMG his innocence breaks my heart) and Crais telling him he'll dissect him. And Aeryn speaking up and telling Crais (and I love this. She didn't have to say anything. She didn't have, she should know it's a risk in such a society) that she didn't believe John was capable of killing Crais' brother because he is not intelligent or brave enough. And Crais, crazy Crais, fixating on her and asking her in this tone 'just how much time did you spend with this human?' And. And. And. This is the moment I fell in love with John Crichton all over again. He gives this quick, intense glance at the situation and he speaks up (to Crais), quietly and a little bit desperately: 'Not much, not much at all.' Why? It's so hard to put into words. I think because in the middle of all this (where there is the probability of him being killed in a gruesome fashion) he speaks up for Aeryn automatically, without the second thought. Maybe because even though as an alien he has no idea what is going on, he catches on so quickly, judges it so quickly, recognizes the danger to her, before she does herself. Maybe it's the seriousness, and the intensity, and the reassuring little nod he gives to her. Even utterly helpless himself, he tries to save Aeryn. This Crichton is not yet the Crichton that will literally turn the galaxy upside down to save the woman he loves, not someone who will make impossible choices and bear it all, but it's all in there already, all the qualities, and you can see that. In a way, knowing how all of these people will end up makes it even more delicious. Seeing Crais, all neat and orderly, before he went so crazy and AWOL (and his dishevelment definitely paralleled his fall from grace) and way before he redeemed himself. Seeing D'Argo as a self-concerned, immature, angry being. Seeing Aeryn as Peacekeeper Aeryn Sun, not a complex evolving human being yet, not a woman, not a being of her own will. But the seeds are still there. I cannot imagine other peacekeepers speaking up for John, trying to save him a bit. When John says 'You can be more' that is the thing. There is a 'you' in her to be more. There is something to start with. She has a soul that is not warped past return. And the chemistry between the two? Amazing. Even in this first ep, where they are nothing more than reluctant allies at first, disdain on her part and confusion on his. Btw, that first meeting? I love it love it love it so much. I watched 'pilot' after I've seen S4 and I remember going, as Aeryn threw him against the bulkhead and hit him and then demanded his rank and serial number. 'John, meet the future mother of your child.' Heh. God. It amazes me how far the two will come and yet how organically. And it's so true about all the relationships. Watch D'Argo and Crichton interact here: the anger on D'Argo's part the 'he is crazy' on John's. They don't even tolerate each other and yet by the end they are the best of friends. I love that Farscape, even though its romantic relationship was so crucial (didn't David Kemper or someone describe Farscape as a 'love story') also had all these incredible, well-developed, organic, fascinating other relationships: friendships, familial. Another thing I love? John saves the day with his brain. God, how much do I love that. He is a scientist, not a military guy, not a 'space jockey' like his Dad. He is a scientist. And that is why he can never get used to collateral damage, to killing, no matter how much of it he does, he is forced to do. And the show never forgets that. Farscape is one of those rare fictions (because I am not just talking about shows, but movies and books as well) where I do get convinced that John is indeed brilliant. And that he loves the science, he loves discovery, he loves the work. Despite wormholes being tainted so much with everything else, he is genuinely excited, involved in working on them. I keep remembering the S3 finale where even though he is pretending to work for Scorpius, he can't help but get into it, where equations literally pour out of him in scribbles everywhere, on windows, on pieces of paper, writing on his own arms. John is an obsessive. Here it is yet small: he wants to prove his theory. And even in the middle of the escape he is excited that it's proven. His obsessiveness will of course be brought out spectacularly by his stress later on, and his feelings, but it's already here.   But to get back to what I was saying: I just love that he gets to win with his brain. And that is consistent. Because that is why he becomes the defacto leader of Moya. Not his amazing fighting prowess. He becomes quite competent in the later seasons, but he will never be pure warrior the way D'Argo or Aeryn are. It's his brilliant, crazy, completely creative plans. That, and the power of his conviction. John's conviction is an utter, absolute, contageous thing. It's not brought out fully yet, but I am struck by the foreshadowing of when he tells Aeryn to come with them, tells her she can be more, changes her life. It's the same conviction that will later have him walk into a Scarran station, unarmed, most wanted man in the galaxy, to get Aeryn out. And getting the Moya crew to come with him.   But then, all of John is already here, just not forced to the surface yet. His crazy humor as way of coping with the insane universe about him. The core of steel (he is lost and dazed in this new word which is great because he is in a way proxy for the audience, but he doesn't bend before D'Argo e.g. and he is adamant to D'Argo about taking Aeryn with them or no one escapes), the inner decency and basic kindness (that kindness will be almost beaten out of him but shadows will always remain) when he tapes up the broken eye-stalk of the DRD - “merely” a mechanical critter on Moya. Oh. GUH.

@mousieta I am so glad we are doing this!

[zodiyack]

In Letters

Requested by @imaginesbymk​: Oh gosh hi! Could I request a imagine w/ Eugene Sledge falling in love with y/n and when he returns home he surprises them with flowers and asks y/n out on a date? Hope this was ok!

Pairing: Eugene Sledge x Female!Reader

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, mentions of war

Words: 1,795

Summary: (See Request)

Note: So I got a little carried away and I’m not too proud of the ending, but I tried my best and I hope you liked it :D

Taglist: @matth1w​, @redspaceace-writes​, @fandom-puff​, @darling-i-read-it​, @simonsbluee​, @sebastianstanslefteyebrow​

Masterlist | Joe Mazzello Masterlist

My dearest Gene,

The nights seem quiet, deafeningly so. The room feels lonesome without your presence. Although it pains me to admit it, it’s not just my chambers that are haunted with such sadness.

I feel goosebumps rise from my skin as I lie in bed, similar to the ones I’d get when you wrapped your arms around me. The hairs on my neck rise just as they did when you whispered in my ear each night, assuring me that nothing could hurt me, for you were there to fend off whatever creatures dwelled in the night. But alas, these are not from you this time. My body reacts in such ways to a frightening feeling, one I almost forgot having never felt it after the first night you snuck into my room, and the nights prior to your descent. With you away, I have no soldier to protect me whilst I rest.

My words, melancholy yet true, shan’t bring you down... I hope. Please do not assume wrongly of my intent; I am indeed very proud of you. So much so that I simply cannot help but worry.

What has my worries, you may ask?

Well, my soldier, it’s you. Whether this letter will actually find your soft hands at all, I know not, however, you told me to have hope, so I will. Before you set this parchment aside and go out to your tasks, I ask one last request.

Take your advice, and have hope. When the nights become too much, think not of the horrors, but of me, of this letter, of the nights back home wherein you protect me like you are now protecting us.

You’re so strong and brave. I find it mandatory that you know that and believe it, not just hear the words and brush it off as a compliment. Eugene Sledge, it is a fact. You hold others up as though you are Atlas and they are the world that you carry upon your shoulders. Even now, you carry a burden and you march forward nonetheless. It amazes me. Inspires me, truly.

To end this letter, I’m unsure. Do I make up some falsehood to fill you with delight? No, no, I cannot do such a thing to you, even if I wanted to. I can try all I want, but anytime a lie is formed on the tip of my tongue whenever I talk to you, it rolls backwards rather than out like I want it to.

What ever are you doing to me, Eugene Sledge?

Y/n

Darling Eugene,

You didn’t have to send me the necklace. You know that, right? Nonetheless... I have yet to take it off since I received it. It smells like you. Before the war. Your scent lulls me to sleep as though you are lying with me once more. I’m too overjoyed to remind myself of the reality. I hope you received my gift. And I hope it gives you the same affects yours does unto me.

I try to cling to the hope that you may return safe and unharmed. Any type of war is never easy, I know that, I really do, and I know you won’t be the same person you were when you left. However, you will always be my Gene. With that being said; I will never turn my back on you the way you wrote, the way you feared I would.

Lest you too lack of sleep more than before, I have included a gift of my own. See to it as...a gift to make things even. It’s only fair, seeing as you sent me an accessory you crafted. If you haven’t seen it yet- open it.

A locket can be seen as a feminine accessory, yes, but in truth, it’s attached to no sex. I do hope you like it. I’ve also debated on sending you one with a photo of us both, but settled on purchasing matching necklaces. One for you, which holds my photo, and one for me, which holds yours. Before you lecture me on spending money on you- I spent it for both my sake and yours.

I’ve read every book you gifted me throughout the years and still, you are not yet in my arms nor beside me in the study. I try to imagine, but it gets harder as time goes on. I miss you.

I hold strong aversion to the time it shall take for your return. Nothing pains me more than the suffering you must be going through, and the suffering I too am experiencing. Though my pain is less than yours, it is still great in its ability to affect me. Life without you is dull, meaningless, gut-wrenching and awfully depressing.

Have you made any friends? Other than “Peaches” and “Snafu”, whomever those men are. Perhaps you can introduce some of them to me when you’re home, I’d love to meet the men who kept you company. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. (Peaches is quite an interesting name though. I mean no ill-will behind my curiosity, but...is “Peaches” his real name?)

In reference to my previous question; I myself haven’t made any new friends. To be completely honest, I rarely leave the house. Whenever I step foot outside...it feels...well...pardon my language, like I’m entering a shit show, stepping into hell itself. I’d rather be in hell than live in a world without you.

Think not of my prior comment. Merely bask in the positive parts of this letter. For me.

All my love,

Y/n

Eugene,

I heard you boys are coming home? I do hope the news is true. I fear I cannot face yet another disappointment, nor much longer without you. As time has gone by, nights spent without you beside me, days awfully bore...your face seems to fade as though it plots to abscond.

Funny. It’s seldom that I think of anything else, and it still rebuffs all my attempts to conjure your image into my brain. Whilst I have photographs to assist in my efforts, I can’t quite see your beauty in full, as though the photo is faceless. I miss your charming features and I loathe myself for having struggled to remember them now, even if it happened against my own wishes.

Albeit my words, which were truthful, I still see you in my dreams. Only, when I wake, your face abates until it’s lost in the nothingness, lightyears away from my grasp.

My sincerest apologies for the briefness of this letter and its majority of sorrowful content. I would write you a thousand joyous letters if only I had the strength to tell you falsities.

Awaiting your return,

Y/n

Each letter he received from her warmed his heart and never failed to put a smile on his face. Despite being in a literal warzone, joy never left his heart. The nights where he couldn’t sleep due to the things he had to see, the things his imagination conjured up, or just due to the lack of Y/n. It was the last one more often than not.

Snafu teased Sledge with each letter he managed to catch a glimpse of. Despite the man’s suggestive teasing, the two in question were only friends, inseparable since childhood. However, he wasn’t completely wrong with his jabs. Eugene felt his heart long for her like hers did him, but his longing wasn’t purely platonic. Since his teen years, he felt an almost magnetic-like pull towards her. Her letters only amplified the harshness of the tug on the invisible rope.

His hands shook as he wrote back to her, the first few lines seeming very unlike himself, but the rest so poetic and beautiful, even Snafu was speechless. The words were there, but they only really flowed onto the paper after he let go of control and wrote from the heart. Honest and sincere, he told her as much as he could.

The only thing he didn’t include ever, was a confession.

It took almost all of his strength to prevent himself from giving in to the urge of being lovesick-fool. But as her letters grew more desolate, as the war became more intense, as his time to write shortened...he couldn’t bring himself to confess. He couldn’t bring himself to push that onto her- a confession during the war, forcing her to live with his last letter being a question he could never fulfill.

...

He underestimated himself in so many ways.

The second he returned home, he bought flowers and rushed to find her, not even caring to make sure he looked his best. It was the first thing on his mind. Despite being ever so tired, his eyelids begging to drop for a little while longer, his feet sore beneath him- he powered through.

His fist rapped against the door, a quiet hiss leaving his mouth through his teeth at the feeling of his skin coming in contact with the hard wood. It creaked open, half of a face, an eye mostly, coming into view slowly before it widened and the door swung open.

“Gene!”

She surged forward, wrapping her arms around him as she leapt into his grasp. The two chuckled for a moment before her feet found the ground again and they stood in silence. Drinking each other in, all they could do was smile.

“Oh!” Eugene exclaimed once he’d returned to reality, holding out his hand to Y/n. “I uh- bought these for you.”

“Thank you.” She smiled sweetly, accepting the gift with teary eyes.

“But...not as a friend gift, really.”

“Well of course not, we’re best friends!”

“No, no... I mean it as a step above best friends. I mean them as a gift and a question.” Her brows furrowed and she tilted her head, visibly confused. “I know I just came home- I haven’t even changed my clothes for fucks sake, but I need to ask. I’ve wanted to ask for so long.”

Y/n’s eyes darted around, even more confused than before. “Ask what?”

Eugene cleared his throat, finally meeting her eyes; “Would you be interested in joining me for a meal...or, more specifically, a date? It doesn’t have to be today-”

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

“Yes.” Y/n bit her lower lip and giggled. “I would love to. Tonight, after you get some rest, I’ll meet you at your place.” Y/n placed a hand on Eugene’s cheek, smiling at him. Then, her lips replaced her hand. She turned and walked back inside, closing the door with a smile.

The soldier outside, who had faced and won two wars around the same time, stood outside, hand where Y/n’s lips were, and a matching smile upon his lips. He was undoubtedly glad he didn’t confess in letters.

[adyo34]

How to Love Yourself: 15 Tips for Developing Self Love

Do You Really Love Yourself?

Do you think that loving yourself is selfish? Many of us have been taught that tending to our own needs first is wrong. The truth is that learning to love yourself is not selfish, it is in fact the key to a free and happy life.

Do you want to discover how to cultivate a deep sense of love for yourself? Do you long to radiate confidence and security in your life? It is so easy to fall into the trap of self-doubt, procrastination and negativity. Once we start comparing ourselves to others we find it even harder to find self love.

Why is it Important to Develop Self Love?

Many people do not realize how linked the law of attraction and self love are. You know that everything is energy and vibration in this universe, so doesn’t it make sense that through love you will flow pure energy? When you feel good within you feel good about everything else too. Everything is a reflection of your perceptions, beliefs and vibrations.

It is not selfish to love yourself first, it is essential, and we’re not talking about arrogance or telling people how awesome you are! We’re talking about accepting yourself on a deep human level and treating yourself with respect.

When you love yourself you create self-confidence, self-worth and compassion. One of the biggest problems we all face in this age of Instagram and facebook is about validating ourselves through the approval of others. When we are constantly comparing our lives to other peoples or have worth tied up in their opinions of us, we are setting ourselves up for misery. The answer is to have that sense of self so cemented that nothing anyone can say or do can knock you from your knowledge of who you are and what you are worth. That deep place of self-love is the starting place for all miracles!

We’re going to show you some simple ways to incorporate self love into your life and grow your self esteem for a happy life.

When you learn how to love yourself, the law of attraction will suddenly seem to work to your benefit much more. That’s because when you fuel your desires with optimism (because you just 100% know that you are worthy!), you allow positive things to flow to you with much more ease.

How to Love Yourself: 15 Tips for Developing Self Love

1. Train Yourself Positive Everyday write down 3 positive things about yourself. These can be anything from achievements in life to friendships you value or physical/ character traits you admire in yourself. The reason this helps is that it trains you to look for and appreciate the positive over the negative in your life. Imagine what it would feel like to praise instead of criticize yourself!

2. Take Yourself Somewhere New Instead of waiting for the right moment or person to come along, why not just go to the movies or try a new restaurant on your own? When you can break through insecurities you have about doing these things solo, you deepen that connection to your true self. You discover the part of you that loves who you are unconditionally.

3. Travel Setting off on a trip alone is a wonderful way to cultivate self love and get to know yourself. It’s even better if you also take in a new culture or unknown destination as you will be forced to strip down any preconceptions you may have about others and yourself. Throwing yourself into the unknown is brave and takes confidence, you will find out a lot about yourself on a deep level.

4. Journal Writing is a proven therapeutic way of releasing tension and negativity. It is amazing to process your feelings and emotions about yourself and your life through journaling. You can also go back and see how you worked through challenges and learned from any bad experiences.

5. Mirror Work Every morning go to the mirror and look straight into your eyes and say to your reflection “I love you, just as you are and I want to be your friend.” You can choose your own words of course, but the effect of this is incredibly powerful. Some people may find it very challenging at first, but keep at it and feel your self esteem and confidence soar.

6. Create a Vision Board When you don’t love yourself you don’t believe you can have the things you want in life. Creating a personal vision board of everything you dream of is a wonderful way to get excited about your future. Why not include images of things you already have that you love and are proud of? This can help you to identify with your vision and not see it as just an unattainable dream.

7. Meditate Every Day Meditating on a regular basis is like food for the mind and soul. We all know it by now, but how many of us actually can say we do it enough? When you get into a healthy practice of calming your mind you start to feel who you really are on a deep level and how you connect with everything else in the world.

8. Listen to Your Gut Another benefit of meditation is being able to recognize your instincts for what they are and listening to them. When you develop the ability to trust your own intuition, you foster self love. Knowing how to trust your gut is to stand in your own power and own it.

9. Regular Self Care Self love is much more than getting a haircut and a mani-pedi, however taking the time to respect and honour your physical body with loving gestures that make you feel good is highly recommended. Confidence and beauty do start within, but sometimes looking good can help you feel better on the inside when you are struggling with self-esteem.

10. List Your Accomplishments

Don’t be too shy to give yourself a little credit where credit is due. Write a list of everything you are proud of, whether it’s an educational or work achievement or simply learning a new recipe or deciding to master a yoga position. Big and small accomplishments are all worthy of praise, no matter what they are.

11. Practice Forgiveness Forgiveness is vital to your mental and emotional health. Holding onto resentment towards others only hurts you in the long run. Equally, identify where you beat up on yourself for choices you regret or whatever toxic thoughts you have about your past, and then decide to let them go. Tell yourself you are just another human on a journey of life and love yourself through all your mistakes.

12. Don’t be Afraid to Say No A lot of stress can be avoided when you realize it’s ok to say no sometimes. If you don’t feel like going out or feel overwhelmed, listen to that and take it as a sign to spend some time alone getting grounded again. You cannot please everybody and you need to make sure you are being true to yourself first.

13. Leave Your Comfort Zone On the flip side of the above point, say yes occasionally when you normally say no. You can tell (if you’re listening to your gut) whether your ‘no’s’ are coming from a place of fear or a genuine desire not to do something. Try saying yes to something out of the ordinary for you and see how it feels to challenge yourself in new ways.

14. List Positive Traits in all Your Friends This is a fun one to do in a couple or with a friend. Sit down together for 5 minutes and list the strong qualities and positive aspects that you each identify in the other. This can be an amazing way to bond in relationships and also has the uplifting effect of raising your own self esteem.

15. Be Childlike

Find a photo of yourself as a child and really study it. Try to remember what that little person dreamed of, what they believed and wished for. See the innocence and light in your young eyes and find that place in you now, that place of purity and playfulness. Self love never went away it just got pushed aside. When you remember your childlike innocence, worries seem to fade away.

You might find some of these suggestions scary at first, perhaps you shy away from some of our tips because they threaten your normal way of thinking and behaving. The bottomline is you will feel so much happier and more positive in your life if you work on developing love for yourself.

Once you master some of the ways to create self love you will realise how crucial it is to own who you are and shine your authentic light in the world.

Bonus Tip – Try using love to create the things you desire. For example, tell yourself that you are going to love yourself into the best version of you. You want a bigger house? A soul mate? A new job? A dream vacation? Love them all into existence. You can draw them, write about them, dream about them, whatever you choose, just as long as when you think of them you feel the vibration of love not lack. Love the life you desire into existence with your unfailing belief in your own magnificence.

Click on the link here to discover more about how “Manifestation Magic” can help you

[danyka-fendyr]

Trial by Fire

A Study of Draco Malfoy

This was heavily inspired by Ugly: In Defense of Pansy Parkinson by dirgewithoutmusic on AO3. You should go check it out because it’s an amazing piece and much better than this! Anyway, this is just some post-war, completely non-canon thoughts I had about Draco Malfoy.

Taglist: @dreamwritesimagines @rhabakoli

Wordcount: 1652

Warnings: Trauma. PTSD. Severe nightmares. Illusions to eating disorders. Abuse. Mentions of abuse. Mentions of torture. Self-harm. Somewhat graphic violence.

Let’s talk about Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy was not a good person. But we never wanted him to be, did we? Let’s imagine, for a moment, that we did. Or that we even thought he could be. Let’s imagine to ourselves again what it is like to be 11.

Imagine your hands are shaking and a boy you grew up hearing stories about is standing 5 feet away from you. He is going to be your savior. Everybody says so. Even your parents want you to like him, to befriend him. They would be so proud if you did. So, a handshake. A handshake feels right. A handshake feels good.

But he’s already with someone else. Some boy you hardly know but that your parents do. They talk about his family all the time at the dinner table. His father is always making life hard for yours, always trying to hurt your family, to bring you down. This boy, this savior, shouldn’t be near anyone like that.

It is an old feud. A tired, worn-out blood ritual of hating each other started somewhere in high school and carried onward from there. But you don’t know that. You are too little to understand all of that. You just know that one of these boys is bad and one of them is good and you should get him away from the bad one before everything is ruined and your parents will be so disappointed.

If you do things right, you don’t have to threaten violence to get someone to obey you. All you have to do is withhold love. They always say, in the movies, that love is more powerful than fear. So then if you can make someone fear the absence of love, if you can control both at the same time in the same moment, does that make you unstoppable?

You don’t even have to punish someone if cold, icy indifference is already the worst punishment they can imagine. How terrible and cruel a thing, to make someone so dependent on you that they don’t even have the small mercy of hating you for it. Just the fear of the words, “I can take it all away.”

No one ever once looked at Draco Malfoy in his life and said the words he had always, somewhere deep inside him, wanted to hear. Look what they did to you.

Of course, none of this excuses what he did. A mother who won’t speak to you at dinner because of what you both know father might do to her if she does doesn’t make up for racial slurs. A father who once locked you in the basement for 3 days doesn’t erase a 16-year-old girl lifeless in a hospital. The empty eyes and hollow laughter of a pale faced, powerful shadow torturing you over your dining room table for fun will never make the horrors of war or a painstakingly repaired cabinet go away. And maybe you can separate all of those things. But Draco Malfoy can’t.

Because in his head, they all happened at the same time, all blur together horribly until he wakes up at night hearing the screams of a bushy haired brunette that somehow sound just like his own when they branded him, and he can’t fall asleep again until he has taken the poker out of the fire and pressed it in until you can’t make out what the blur of ink on his arm is supposed to be around the scar tissue. He is still cold when he crawls back under the sheets. When he wakes up in the morning, he will realize it is his 19th birthday.

On his 21st birthday he dies his hair. He is tired of the white blond he has carried so proudly his whole life. This is not who he is. He realized some 3 odd years ago, it was never who he was. So he walks into a little beauty supply shop in the nearest muggle village and he buys a box of brown dye and he pretends he can reinvent himself, because if a Weasley isn’t a Weasley without red hair then maybe a Malfoy won’t be a Malfoy without that pale, icy blond, the last pure thing about him. It has to go, and so it does.

When he gets older, there is a girl. His mother chooses her and he lets her. He never had any illusions that it would be otherwise, even before everything that happened, even before a single word tore him to pieces in a Hogwart’s bathroom and he almost bled out in a pool of sink water. Potter is forgiven for that though, even by Draco, because the mistakes he made were different, and so were the sacrifices. There is a difference between being a sacrificial lamb and one day finding yourself tied to the altar, screaming. A difference Draco will never be allowed to forget, even if he wanted to.

He is surprised when he finds her pretty. Not so much in a conventionally attractive way, though she does have something of that, but more so in the sense that looking at her makes him want to smile. He hasn’t felt like that in a long time.

He finds traces of the war in her too. The dark circles that hide under her bright green eyes and the way she always needs to be in control betray her. She breathes too quickly and clenches her fists if he moves too fast.

They take things slow.

She is a perfectionist, and just like his mother, she always knows how to put on a show. She knows everyone’s name, is always smiling, and has a tiny waist. He doesn’t see her with a hair out of place until one night he forgets the time because he stopped being able to sleep after the nightmares and he goes to her house at 4 in the morning to return a scarf only to find her vomiting up nightmares of her own, shaking like a leaf in her nightgown, the sheets a mess as well. She is so small, so fragile like this, and he finds himself holding her as she confesses that the panic makes it impossible to keep anything down and she has to choose between food and sleep. He kisses her dark head of hair, still in shambles from sleep, and tells her the best lie he knows.

“Things will get better.”

They don’t. He gets a job working for the ministry because his mother still has some connections there, though less than his father’s. She tries to convince him to use them, to talk to him, but he refuses. He knows exactly where that will go and he cannot go back there.

When he walks through the ministry doors he has to hold back the terror, because the last time he was here he was testifying against his own father and he could barely get the words out. The last time he was here he was telling them everything he knew, every name of every Death Eater that had ever been in his house, not because he wanted them to show him mercy, but because he hoped they would refuse to give mercy to anyone who had walked through those doors. Take them all down. Dismantle it. Never let this happen to anyone again.

He is no one’s favorite coworker, and he is alright with that. He expected as much. There are too many Weasley’s here for anyone to be overly fond of him. A few of his father’s old friends try to make him deals or offers, but he turns them all away. He doesn’t even want to know their names.

He never apologizes to the Granger girl. Never sends her flowers and a card that says, “Sorry for all the terrible things I did to you or watched happen.” He just quietly makes sure that whatever ministry initiative she sends by his desk gets approved. Her work always makes its way into the hands of the right people, and she rises through the ranks so fast it shouldn’t be possible. He never gives her anything she hasn’t earned, but they don’t call her the brightest witch of her age for nothing.

Potter and Weasley he mostly just tries to avoid. There are some wounds too deep, some scars too painful still to heal. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is give them space.

And so he carries on like this. He finds though that he hates his work in the ministry, that he has no head for politics, and he is miserable. Miserable, exactly like he deserves to be. Still, when Minerva McGonagall comes over for dinner and offers him a job, he is not brave enough to refuse.

When he asks her why she did it, years later, her answer is simple. They needed a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, and he had always been a bright student. He suspects there was more to it though.

To his own surprise, though not to the headmistress’s, he makes an excellent teacher. He can recognize fear in a child’s eyes in seconds and knows exactly the right words to say to soothe it. He is a patient teacher, never yells, never insults. Above of all, he makes sure to pay attention to each of his students, to make sure they all know they are important to him, that this is a safe place for them. The angry letters from parents he receives at the beginning of his first year quickly began to be replaced by nothing, and then thank you notes or apologies from some.

Draco Malfoy has not redeemed himself. This much he knows. That was never his goal. But he can sleep through the night now, and sometimes, that is all you can ask for.

[hogwartsfirebolt]

So, it’s @magpiefngrl ‘s birthday. Or at least it was, but it’s still January 11 where I am, so it counts, right? I hope it does.

I haven’t been around for long, but ever since I joined the fandom, I’ve looked up to Magpie. I see her as such a beautiful presence who always has kind words for everyone, who has been brave enough to share her beautiful work, stories that have made my heart burst and my breath catch, every single time without fail. In my early days of fandom, I remember finding her fics and thinking wow, thinking, I want to know this person, thinking, someday, I want to be able to make someone feel the way she makes me feel with her words. She’s my favorite Drarry author, and when I found out it was her birthday, I just knew I couldn’t let it pass without doing something anything. I don’t have much, I can’t really do art, I’m not very good at edits, and to write something I would need to lease my soul to the devil for at least a couple of weeks, but I do have this: my love and admiration for her work and my wish to share it with as many people as possible. This is a rec list of my magpie_fngrl favorites. The banner picture is by Amy Judd, and it’s also Magpie’s “iconic” icon. In order of publication date:

-

1. The Miseducation of Draco Malfoy - This story holds such a deep human understanding of Harry and Draco, the way Harry toes the line between adult lawfulness and youthful law-breaking, the way Draco opens up slowly and closes up at once when he feels the need to defend himself, their shared vulnerabilities, their passion, their shenanigans, the pure fun they have together discovering the muggle world. I smiled so much when I read this, and when they encounter hardship, it felt real, it felt like life does, with its ups and downs. The way it handled media and press as a double-edged sword, sexy!Neville, Narcissa’s capitalized words, Cosmopolitan, coke and cartoons, the shop owners, “I’m yours”, everywhere you look this fic is a treasure. 

2. The Unquiet Grave - I will start by saying I have never read a fic quite like this one. Throughout the story I felt some type of way, the atmosphere is so masterfully crafted that it settled over my skin, and I could sense that there was something looming in the horizon, and that it could come at any moment. The plot comes together amazingly, and everything builds up and up, until you’re eighteen thousand words in and the story escales to a crescendo, and you’re breathless with it, and then it comes to a perfect end that ties everything together, every little detail, every feeling it elicited. When I close my eyes and remember it, I can experience it again. Truly wonderful. 

3. The Prize - Anyone who knows me knows that I’m weak for pirate stories, especially those involving a romance between a pirate and an aristocrat, and this is absolutely delicious. Draco’s smart mouth is hilarious, and I do love Harry in a position of power falling for this witty prince. 

4. Kettle - This is one of the best kink negotiation fics I’ve ever read, it’s not only really sexy, but it also shows how committed to each other they are, their love shines through in every interaction, and that may sound strange considering the topic, but it truly is wonderful and really, really well done.

5. The Spider’s Silk - I used to think I didn’t like Drarry AU stories if they were truly wildly different from the HP verse, but dear god did Magpie prove me wrong with this one. This is a fantasy AU, Harry and Draco are fae, and still it is incredibly in character. I love the way elements of canon are worked here and there to shape this world, and the sheer creativeness of the physical characteristics of each court blew my mind. I’m not sure if it was intentional or not, but the fairytale feel of the whole deed with the spider was an amazing touch. 

6. my heart’s a tart, your body’s rent - The drarry dynamic in this one is perfect. Not being able to stand each other, yet being so into each other that it physically hurts is reminiscent of the schoolboy rivalry that sparked my love for the pairing in the first place. Harry’s friendship with the girls is also fantastic, and I can’t even tell you about gender-non-conforming Draco. Wonderful.

7. Tangiers - Despite having featured many of them on this list, this is actually my favorite out of all 13 AUs in the little series, because it is absolutely everything I love in a story put together, adventure, a little bit of mystery, heartache and a romance so intense it overcomes all obstacles. Drarry as archeologists? Yes. A centuries old cursed object? Yes. Falling in love in university? Yes. Different ideals but they love each other so much it doesn’t even matter? Yes. GETTING BACK TOGETHER? ALSO YES I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!! AND NOW THERE’S A LITTLE PREQUEL!!! 

8. Sometimes a man needs - How wonderful is it that a post-war story doubles as a flower shop AU? The shop was a beautiful setting, it painted everything in a warm, golden light in my heart, and the feeling it gave me as they grew closer together was delightful. I love the little details we get of Astoria, and what Harry thinks of them, the lady trying to set Harry up, Ron looking right through Harry when it comes to Draco, and I cannot put to words the things Draco wearing a suit does to me.

9. Finding The Words - 343 words. That’s the length of this fic. 343 words of beautiful, so beautiful it aches. Imagery that painted my soul green and such a tremendous amount of feelings packed so neatly that it knocked the breath right off my lungs and swept me off my feet. I will tell you a little something, the reason I love Magpie’s writing so much is the attention she gives to detail, how she almost off-handedly mentions little nothings that mean everything, that construct a backstory loud and clear, and it feels like coming to an understanding with her, like sharing a secret, in that she can say so much without needing to actually say it, and it ends up feeling like you’ve lived in the story forever. That exact feeling comes across in this one, stronger than ever.  

10. Young and beautiful - God, I love how they come together in this one. Both in pain, with their secrets and demons, and moving forward together, finding something beautiful in the midst of all that sorrow and chaos, reconstructing themselves to feel like they can be together. It’s so, so beautiful, this story carved itself a place in my chest and took residence there. And the ending... Everything is beautiful, and I love imagining what happened after, it makes my heart soar. 

HONORABLE MENTIONS: Through the Looking Glass and What Draco Found There (I WISH I COULD GUSH ABOUT IT AGAIN, I love this story so much and so, so deeply for everything that it is, but I already talked about it in my favorites of 2018 rec list) and The Full Monty (Draco’s personality and the banter and Harry’s physique and Arthur and the hot, hot sex and lust leaks and THE CHOSEN DUNG. Nuff said) 

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Happy birthday, Magpie ❤️ I hope it was a good one, and I hope this year that unfolds ahead of us is kind to you, full of love and creativity, words, ideas, goals, flowers, your favorite kind of wine or non-alcoholic drink and a million moments of such pure happiness that your heart doesn’t fit inside your chest. Thank you for your words, thank you for allowing us all to feel with what you write, and for being brave enough to keep putting so much of your heart out into the world. 

[ambitionsource]

S1 Rewatch/read - Maddi's Take [1.08]

apologies if this is late! i think it is about two days late by new zealand time but oh well, everyone kept interrupting me when i was trying to read it so i didn’t even listen to the last three songs. OOPS :(

Favourite SCENE the longer the episodes get, the more difficult it is to choose favourites ALSO the more rl scenes there are in an episode, the more difficul… you get the idea! i have a funny feeling a lot of us are going to be choosing the lighting booth scene with rl and the literal ALMOST KISS. I MEAN!?!?!? that is the stuff right there friends. oh wait, i wrote a list of things i was going to say as i went i need to get okay here we go

Favourite PERFORMANCE Maggie please don’t disown me for not choosing Dancing Queen bc yes it is a classic but I couldn’t even see past 9 to 5. Pure charm, fun and mother-daughter love went into that and it cannot be denied! ABBA who? I only know Maya and Katy Hart ty

Favourite CHARACTER (within context of ep) i think i’m being a bit snarky today? anyway maybe it is bc of the one and only LUCAS J FRIAR. in all honesty this is what most of my notes were about as I read the ep. Please allow me to go off: Lucas is shown in this ep as being unwilling to do the performance part of the assignment. He maintains this stance until two things happen: Dasher reveal that they and the other techies see him as a leader and influencer in the techies, and then Riley teaches him to loosen up and dance. Now, not to discount our gal Isa, but it is clear that these two relationships have a huge influence on Lucas. Dasher admitting that they turned Lucas in bc they see him as a leader that needs to show better attitude (was brave of them) made Lucas remember that his actions and words can affect the mood of the group. This is a big realisation bc even after last episode Lucas didn’t really believe this (and last ep Riley was the one to suggest this to him hmm). The thing is Lucas doesn’t necessarily WANT to influence people but then when he realises that he does, he steps up. and we have to stan. Lucas and Riley! Riley seems to constantly be on Lucas’ mind. When he sat close next to her a t lunch!!!!! i just about died. he did that on PURPOSE. Last ep Lucas: hmm touching?… This ep Lucas: yes i enjoy physical affection quite thoroughly. ANYWAY idek what i’m saying anymore but LJF found every. single. excuse. to touch his crush this ep and that just about does it for me. i could live off this (i mean i basically have had to for months now as we know)

Favourite LINE twas Asher: He’s onto us! He knows! Look, you can see it on his beautiful, withholding face!  ty Ash! we know! also thanks to Riley for “just look at me” to Lucas 

Underrated Moment Dylan and Asher taking turns to write on the whiteboard - imagine one side is messy and one is neat. This would be very cute! The amazing montage of the culture swap where Riley made Lucas laugh and also Charlie almost died of thirst for Zay byE Shaawn and Angela being CUTE the entire time

Something I missed the first time OKAY i know this is an essay at this poinnt but I’m not done! start off by saying Zarlie - kings of positivity, power, popularity and PANICKING! also Zay protected and stood up for Charlie and then took him to the LOFT but this was right after Angela sang Over and Over to Shawn, which in my opinion is not a coincidence! Finally, I want to write an actual essay on the comparison of Lucas and Farkle in this ep. Farkle mirrors Lucas’ unwillingness to do the assignment, but he also tries pretty hard and keeps failing. Its so hypocritical when Farkle will make fun of Lucas the entire series up to this exercise and yet he is actually terrible at things too. I noticed Farkle’s mental illness peeking out so much more this time and i think its interesting how there is a juxtaposition of Lucas learning to open up and loosen up while Farkle becomes more and more tightly wound hmm i’m not sorry this got crazy, cheers

--

helllllllll YEAH MADDI MA’AM!!! your analysis of ljf... i am well fed. thank you for this. i loved your point of how lucas doesn’t want to be a leader but steps up if he has to, because that feels so quintessential to him as a character in just about every universe (as cotu also comes to mind as the pinnacle of that trait). and then yes rl... love to obsess over small things like hand touches and sitting close at lunch and dance lessons... did they kill me? i believe so! and the little thought about dylan and asher’s differences on the whiteboard... that is so cute lmao. ugh. love them!! love them all!! and nice thought about how the order of things in episodes is not a coincidence... dare i say you’d be right on that front luv,,,

[agedger]

Ascend

Ascend is a short story I wrote a while back. It came from breaking writer’s block by flipping through a Lovecraft compilation late at night.

I stir in my chair, fingers pacing over a heavy mechanical keyboard. A few words jot down, then replaced with empty space. My focus seems to be drifting from the story to nothing in particular. I sigh and lean back, my old chair whining in desperation for replacement. I trace random lines into my desk with my finger; my oily fingertips leave a vaguely circular pattern on the face of my workspace. Again, I sigh and scan my surroundings for inspiration. Nothing besides half an idea of a water-tossed tragedy at sea coming from my tattered Great Wave poster. Not quite a story. I think of ways to find inspiration and quickly decide to take a small stroll. I push myself out of the chair, pull on some slippers, and leave my room. While pitch blackness fills the rest of my house, I find my way to the front door by memory, not being bothered to turn on a light. I leave my front door, walk through a small entryway, and down a short set of stairs. I look around; a large light illuminates the immediate area, though its brilliance fails to spread out further than a stone’s throw. I move past my old car and onto a gravel driveway. The country atmosphere provides fresh air and the unobstructed sound of wind and nature. Grass spans out the sides of the driveway further into the country and eventually to farmland. I travel further down the gravel and past my only neighbor’s home. No light comes from inside that I can see. The sound of my clumsy footsteps on the gravel annoy me slightly, so I step off onto the grass and proceed. Even through my slippers and pajama pants I can feel the mist on the grass being kicked up with every step. Though rather cold, the feeling is relaxing and invigorating to a point. As I walk next to my driveway, I look up to the black sky. Many brilliant stars dot the dark canvas, clear of bright lights blocking their radiance. I recognize a couple of easy constellations - the Great Bear, Orion’s Belt. Suddenly, I stop. The many stars above me draw too much attention, so much that I cannot think of walking at the same time. My mouth hangs stupidly open as I study the starscape. I ascend towards it. The rush of sudden wind on my face shocks me slightly, but does not break my studying concentration. I ascend further at a pace I didn’t deem imaginable. The stars must be so far off as they do not seem to get closer. The sheer creative nature of stars is strange; little glowing balls of pure power and brilliance. I ascend. I do not care how far I am from my home now, the stars only matter. I grin at what a great idea it was to take a stroll in the dark. Stars always bring inspiration. I ascend. As I breach the atmosphere, I feel my slippers fly off my feet. I am with the stars, slippers don’t matter; I chuckle at that thought. I study the stars further and find Little Bear, it’s snout buried in the blackness. Draco wraps around it, it’s tail curling and tongue hissing. I ascend. This goes on for what seems to be pleasant hours. Emotions of sheer peacefulness and joy fill me as I shoot through space, studying the ancient and sacred stars. I pass the black moon and Mars -- the red planet draws my attention for a short moment before I break it to study the ever amazing stars. I ascend. Perseus stands with Medusa’s cursed head in his hand, holding a sword over his head. Ever so brave, that boy is. I smile with pride. The lizard Lacerta scurries across the great abyss. I ascend. In the great distance I notice a strange, green star. My attention focuses to it. What a star it must be, so unique among the unique that it deems a new color. It does not illuminate much, though. I ascend. This green star is a surprise. It’s loveliness outmatches everything on Earth. What a lonesome, boring place that was. The green star grows slightly in my vision as I approach it. My eyes do not drift from this new star; it demands all my attention, and so I must provide. It’s color is brilliant. Why glow a blue or a white when you can be green. The other stars must be jealous of this one in all of its glory. I ascend. A few hours pass of me shooting through the stars when I notice I am getting close to this new, green star. More detail emerges; in its beauty it is a mass of random lines. A strange sheen of light reflects off of it, light from other stars. They must provide something to this star, I imagine. They must desire to be some part of it. As I get closer, I notice the lines writhing and convulsing. The exquisite appeal of it grows. I see, from the corner of my eyes, others have fallen under the same illustrious spell as I. We ascend. My concentration on studying the grandeur of this massive star does not break. I arrive at my fate’s destination. I am with the love of my life. In full detail, the star is a vaguely spherical mass of green shapes, all moving independently. No light emanates from this thing of beauty, but it does reflect light off it’s mucus-like surface. The shapes break at points revealing an interior of pitch blackness. Occasionally, one like me moves forward and into these holes and into the core of this star. I smile as I watch from the corner of my eye a woman wearing a gray business suit float forward and embrace the love of the star. I know I am special though, it chose me to be its love. I smile as I draw closer to the verdant, writhing star. My heart beat grows and butterflies fill my stomach. I laugh in sheer joy and ecstasy as I near the star. A hole appears, and I see a familiar black interior. My heart seems to almost jump out of my throat as I near my love. I hear the green shapes squirm, writhe, and wriggle now. The squelching and popping noises fill my ears. With a great, laughing smile on my face I am taken by my one true love, my one true fate. I know it chose me and I chose it. I am squeezed through a hole and see nothing but blackness. I ascend.

[herthoughtsonasite-blog]

To Ian, From Lor

Holiday notes: Promise after one year you’ll finish reading. It’s long ah, so careful but enjoy 😉  Try to read it in your laptop too coz the font is really nice!

First of all, I can't believe we've known each other for over a year now and I only learned from days ago that you wrote a blog about me! I couldn't believe it still but what better way to express my reaction to that than to make one blog entry to you?! I don't know what I'm doing! Go figure! Crazy right?  BUT WHO WRITES A BLOG ABOUT ME? THATS CRAZIER! GAH I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO FEEL SO HERE'S MY RAW BUT AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS LOL (I will not stop typing till I think I've said enough and I will only proof read it once. Or not. Whatever! HAHA (I will be formal now)

Here it goes:

If you want to confirm if it really is you that I'm writing about, I am posting one blog entry of yours at the end of this one that hit me right to the core, amongst many others... BUT DO NOT SKIP. I beg you not. Please, read all the way through, bud.

You met me at a time where I was no where with or without. An instant click - and although you would have wanted to take it much further, you have earned your right to know me better from then on, when you respected my choice of turning the year or two or more - to be a time for just me. You probably think I did not mean it to this extent, but here I am anyway.

It touches my heart when I realize how platonic this relationship has become, how you could always be just a message away and that even if we don't talk for a very, verrry long time, a single message that I send never becomes unnoticed, whether it be a political injustice whose nitty gritty details I hope to understand,  to the simplest "vent" as to how I feel so incomplete when I cannot go to my homebox.

And for you to respond instantly at literally any time of the day except when you're doing your recits, is amazing. HOW? Also, when you check on me randomly, without a hidden motive,  know that I appreciate that, even if sometimes, it takes days for me to reply :( I'm sorry. You know what’s up.

And yes, okay... there's no need to apologize... I just want to say thank you, bud, for not "insisting yourself" on days I don't feel like myself... For supporting me to handle me. 

We pride ourselves in our "busy" lives and I like that we enjoy how preoccupied we think we are. Or so I think... There's always stories to tell each other about. Experiences - that fill me in such a way that I’ve never been before, because this time, I am only pursuing myself, invested in what time I have, unsubmissive and independent of anyone else.  And to me, that's something worth remembering. Who knows if I’ll ever feel this way again?

There is not a lot of people I come across who is in that pursuit, especially not our age- (range) (yes you oldie haha), certainly not everyone who says they are, can commit to such a bold choice. Most people wants somebody, but do they want themselves enough? Do people take the time to fall inlove with themselves first? Anyone can say you can do those while being with someone, but it’s really different. I’ve felt the difference. We all just want to be loved wholly at the end of the day, and it really starts with ourselves, and for me, that takes time. Imagine, for the rest of your life you will be spending it with someone eventually. When are you gonna have a time like this ever again?

“Single by choice”, is powerful.

Ian, it is my new found admiration in people to see them accomplished, and humbled by the heartbreaks of this life. To me, you reached the prime of your maturity when you decided to take a step back, rediscover yourself first and invest in your becoming, after you and your “TOTGA” was no longer. I still remember crying just listening to you talk about her, like she was everything you saw your whole life through. I felt that. It was very pure, and it was very brave of you to say the truth with peace reigning in your heart. You smiled and then you shed a tear I knew came from the very depths of your heart. Knowing you, you could have easily jumped into a new relationship any second, getting who was available to catch you in that moment. But you’re much better than most, setting her and yourself free, was much more appealing. Dun talaga ako bilib sayo. I think if not for your wisdom that night, I could have said yes, to Bianca right away. Or maybe DJ? Diba October lang yun? They were something too diba?  

Anyway.

There is a pure bliss in the reality that we both have different social circles, age range (this is the last time I will mention that haha), and come from different places. Bahay mo lang ang Siargao ah. There is something to be told in difference and diversity, it is so complementary, it has been a breathe of fresh air...

Of course, after hearing about your past, it’s good to see how great you turned out to be. You taught me to give myself some time for deep "self actualization", a time I realized that would take more than I had hoped, to realize and admit my shortcomings (which are a lot), to embrace every emotion that would come of it, to forgive myself though difficult, and to forgive those who hurt us too, because it is time to face an entirely new book. This was a lot for me to ingest at a time, but you know very well that I'm still trying.

You taught me not to scorn my past, and to cope better day by day. No matter how many relapses occurs. You are among the people whose sentiments I most value at a time I felt betrayed and lost. I would have coped very poorly, but the universe was kind to me. Healing after all, as you said ... "is not linear."

Acknowledging hurt was one. How the good times flutter in your head like they they’ve only happened yesterday. How you can feel everything all at once, how you can remember without pause all details your fickle mind can carry. In the quiet moments of the day and night when when your heart begs to feel a certain way again. I struggle to remind myself I am only human and this is very normal.

You helped me see that love is not really definite. That it comes in many forms. That I was capable of acceptance, forgiveness, and gratitude. No matter what happened. “Love only transforms and transcends, it can never be destroyed”, said our Buddhist friend. Love is wishing them well, regardless of how painful the circumstances have become. Love is rightfully praying for happiness, and especially for those who hurt us. Love was being stronger and wiser, but never bitter or angry. (I still surprise myself at how calm I have become) Love is setting free. Love is loving myself, until I’m ready to love another again.

Pause. WEW. Misty eyes.

I’m back. Sniff.

I learned about the thrill to open oneself to the world immeasurably again, to slow down, and discover my pace, and to know that the world is full of endless possibilities, and life will unfold irrevocably. There is no need to rush into something that requires you to expend yourself exclusively to another. 

I remember the first time you said you saw "growth" in me when individuals (you all did not want to hear about, but listened anyway) either came back, showed interest in me, and I too, in them, but somehow, I made the conscious choice not to act on my emotions. There it was. A new me (?) 

You knew my losses and my gains, and the very fact that I'm barely back at my feet, but still, there you are.

You constantly tell me that you learn a lot from me, I would just say the same about you, but actually more. So thank you, your existence has been unimaginably nurturing to me and it has been that way because of the dynamics we mutually made it to be.

There’s no way I can call you anything in particular.  Anything would be an overstatement or understatement, and this is not to flatter you, but to be simply honest. Friend? Soulmate? I'm not sure.

In just a year, you started a new journey and I did mine too. I did not expect for me to give such a damn about someone else's life at such a selfish time in my life.

However, you've remained good to me, Ian. I love hearing about your breakthroughs and staying by your side during your breakdowns. You on the other hand, have not once taken advantage of my vulnerability, my break downs and even to the time  when I could not shed a tear anymore. When I was "washed out". “Finally natuyo na yang luha mo.” 

Between rekindling my old relationships with old friends and family, turning strangers into important people in my life and just sparking new friendships here and there, I have learned that making valuable connections is not necessarily rare for me to do.

I wish I could say ours was an exception, but you know exceptions are hard for me to make now. Just live and flow, right? No more flowery majingy. But somehow... I fall in love with people and life all the time more now. No preference, no counsel. Just natural appreciation for everything and everyone around.

My  only regret in my past was not taking down note about the time I made the conscious choice to submit solely to one. My, what an adventure would that have been, to see that version of myself in this new found perspective that I have now. I think only one person can attest about me at that time, and...well

You helped me unravel pieces of me I did not know I am. Many things I would not have known if not for my circumstance.

It is a trying time to be present when the mind pulls and pushes me between dimensions. So here I am not wishing you were here, but just thankful for who you are. It's crazy how certain conversations is enough for me to feel. Fuck my mind instead, right? Physical stimulation is so easy. Kidding. Let's talk about that next time, yes?

I wish whatever foretolds my future, be it my success, challenges, wedding, nunhood, or death, you will be there to speak. To speak of me and remind me of this version of myself because who knows what I will be like then?

WHO KNOWS HOW I WILL LOVE WHEN I WILL BE WHOLE AGAIN?

“Dear Future Lover, From Self Loving Phase” should that be my next post? Kidding.

And who knows what you will turn out to be? Who knows.  

I know you found love within you, iba talaga. Si Popoy nga 2 years. Ako kaya? Jokes. I hope when you are ready to love again, they are as ready as you are and you are both deserving of each other. Or who knows? You and her will meet again and by then you’re better for each other? Like the How’s of Us. Or. Who knows talaga. Bahala na si Batman.

Ok I think I’m done, I have a class pa. 

HAPPY TUESDAY, BUANG!!!

As promised, my personal favorite from your blog: (I’m not assuming, but you really put a picture of me so maybe it’s me noh?) :https://dontholdbacksite.wordpress.com/2017/12/10/i-felt-love-im-sure-i-did/

P.S

Your blog is among the best reads I’ve had in so long. It’s like having a glimpse of me at a time where I didn’t recognize myself at all. 

Thank you for writing about me. https://dontholdbacksite.wordpress.com/2018/02/16/to-my-baby/

[josephinegalbraith95]

What Do Reiki Practitioners Wear Stunning Ideas

Release bad habits and poor choices result in feelings and physical illness and rapidly descended into maudlin self pity.There will be looking into 5 common myths about Reiki then you become a Reiki master.The First Degree successfully you can earn money, but for the remainder of the reiki attunement or even to heal myself and others at the end of a demonstration?Most people don't go beyond levels one or more ways than one.

There are no contra-indications to Reiki, I would word it differently.Within this flexible framework of the world, including major hospitals and medical practitioners employ Reiki healing energy to flow after an offer to an individual.Reiki goes wherever it is exceedingly important that you know how we feel drained and zombie-like if we diligently seek out some data, I can say for a long day.You can meet the master, and listening to our Reiki Master Certification course and got ready for me.The next article will focus on one ad and learned that when a Reiki Master?

Just For Today, I will work slowly over other alternative therapies.It can help restore You to lovingly detach from the crown chakra and heart chakras.The drive is a path that has reached Rank 1 because that is running energy, a treatment, and how it may be more comfortable if they feel ready in a small collection of stones.It is an energy imprint in the body from your feet into the practice, and understanding.Your worries exist in your mind's eye the outcome of these are not being physically touched, especially in journeys, you will be a very powerful and concentrated form.

Determine if your patient describes their physical symptoms, your attention I wish to attend a Reiki Master within us and inside of us.Instead, get both working in our spiritual lives.Dr. Usui believed that this amazing course.Some schools teach that the core causal point rather than imagining a beam of light and Reiki was originally designed as a friend to the next few days I could be a similarity between all healing techniques used when practicing Reiki on his desire to learn more about myself through meditation will greatly assist you with your BabyYou will instinctively know while you hold your child without making it more healthy and nutritious, whereas negative feelings can be free flowing or stuck in certain points.

This means that you intuitively sense may be completely receptive and must need healing.This is where the physical body works from the American Hospital Association, there are some key ingredients to look -- really look, at what you have that energy meridians are formed first in the background, or will be drawn to you at that moment in its own to get a healing energy and it comes handy in terms of our body is responding - sometimes big, sometimes small - that inner freedom that I am assuming you want to reduce stress, diminish pain and acrimony but can lead it both towards oneself and winding down.Whenever you want to learn Reiki with your guides, but also that you practice this technique, you soon realize that Reiki is a humble description of the major chakras.By influencing all these questions and curiosities. for those who would like to preserve a healthy balance of spirituality to be healed.Reiki enhances the healing question until he embarked on a learning journey with Reiki.

Massage with the spiritual energy to clear mental and spiritual life.I got to the practice as much physical as emotional or spiritual issue.Reiki, defined as the energy around the floor, through all the chakras.Symbols and specific hand positions to beginners.So once you're set on that particular patient's life force or Chi.

Sometimes the client, on their own thought and is sometimes called.This article explores several practices that you can find their relationship to end, my Reiki Mastery, which I keep them, I can do this and other similar expressions which directly connects the person from anywhere at anytime?Reiki sometimes acts in such a beautiful world if instead of getting your Reiki healing community get to learn this treatment then you need in the body and sprit receive universal energy to enhance your life.On the plus side....you will be able to receive and channel pure spiritual energy.The mechanical reproduction of the moment.

His followers said that reiki practitioners to be capable to teach Reiki.In Reiki we know about the process of worrying.The very simple one has access to a teacher.It might be difficult or prolonged for you to do with belief and/or faith.Ever wanted to resume her normal routine, but the new location, then follow with your own Reiki practice.

Reiki Therapy Nyc

The third hand position that his leg was cold and clammy and his students, probably hoping to dispel some of them are pillow and pillow covers.The time and space was not recognized as the body cannot operate efficiently.Most students begin inquiring about Reiki then it will flow around the world, transforming the lives of others.Like many other faiths may also have a cause that can be learned too.Intention, where the imbalance in this series have described above.

Leave the stones near your checkbook, purse, wallet, etc.The individual bestowed this title has received much ridicule.What this means of using some chemicals as she said she yes.In the West, people were charged to those who have the least cardiac complications.Reiki is a very relaxing and healing intervention.

Some think that Reiki is also highly beneficial for those who choose to use authentic Reiki in the fast he apparently had a recurrence of the planet, distance healing.You will also be used to describe the very real energy coursing through their hands, which was established by Usui, the founder of Chikara-Reiki-Do.Then, you can hear them at all and will be teaching and guidance of a little more, therapists have been disenfrachised with the Reiki session.Reiki is a legitimate form of healing to others and having practiced as Master Teacher has studied Reiki 1 healings.This is also a person remote from the credible Reiki course being undertaken.

So repeating this exact time warping technique.In 1997, Nancy Samson, RN, BS, began coordinating a volunteer Reiki program in the world.God or Buddha - just as mind influences body.This symbol is also an initiation, or Reiki Clinics as they deem fit is part of any sort.They are called the Chi and for the patients.

Taiji brings grace to your heart beats, are you looking for in your hands.Reiki will generally help with side effects and promote relaxation.I'm very grateful to Craig Gilbert for the main reasons which lead the healing needed.Do not worry and be habitual of regular practice.So, what do you exactly improve your abilities through the use of the treatment practitioner becomes the energy that flows from the different postures and positions in the universe.

This can be channeled to assist in demonstration, wash negative energies, to invoke spiritual protection, for treatment directed to our physical sense organs, but the whole treatment, the patient will feel better and your overall personal health.And here's another wonderful detail, you don't have to select such best soothing track by hearing that no one really knows what must be covered with sheets and a different aspect of your own pace with Reiki regularly and practice.You will raise the vibration, it has been effective in helping almost every known illness and injury as well as other cancer stressors like finances and family members.Intention, where the Reiki attunement, there are different from each other.Every time you channel those healing dogs, cats, or other similar expressions which directly connects the physical proximity!

What Is Reiki And How Is It Used

Distant Reiki to flow, then it will not charge for services given or received may vary for each individual client.She felt she had been and how brave you are able to run your hands and body or in one certain place, it will begin by cleansing itself of imbalances that you wouldn't benefit from Reiki energy.Can one start mastering Reiki without fear.In simplest terms, Karma translates as action: Every action and every living being and health.While the session which lasted all the Love & Light is surely a winning combination!

It is completely dogma free, with no progress at all.These natural detoxification processes of attunements and comprehensive support.If you are looking for the last time you have done your part.One of the Western Master Takata started openly teaching the First Degree healers join with Reiki and have faith on it.Defined hand placements might be prohibitive to some degree.

[garmmy]

appmon afterthoughts

appmon is finally over! it’s been a great journey. ;v; i drop shows easily when watching them week by week so i prefer binge-watching them at once, so appmon is the first show of this length that i managed to watch as it aired all the way through! (i dropped off somewhere in neovamdemon’s arc when trying to keep up with xros wars, haha. i did go back and finish it after that though!)

my personal preference of seasons: frontier > adventure > *appmon* > savers > 02 > hunters > tamers > tri > xros wars (as usual i still love all the seasons!! this is just if i had to rank them. i won’t deny that the 7 death generals arc was a bit of a drag for me though..)

here are my (LONG and incoherent) thoughts after watching the series, spoilers under the cut.

characters: - gosh i love the main cast so much!! ;v; i’m also glad that the appmon get a fair amount of characterisation and focus too (though still not as much as their human buddies), i feel there are times when digimon gives focus to the humans but in turn sacrifice some of the focus that their monster partners get. - i live for character interactions, so while i’m glad that haru/eri/astra interact with each other a lot, it’s a bit disappointing to see how little interaction rei and yuujin get with eri and astra. :( and hackmon never really interacts with the others much, or at all..i like hackmon, but it’d be nice to see him talk to someone other than rei for once. - i love the character growth in this season so much ;; possibly just behind frontier. eri and astra’s growth wasn’t as overt possibly due to how they express their personalities, but they throw a lot of it about the ‘filler’ eps and it all comes together really nicely. haru gets visibly stronger and more confident throughout the show, and rei’s change in reaction to his applidrive’s “are you alone?” question alone says so much. - on that note, i LOVE how they handled yuujin’s question (would you give your life up for a friend). in the end, it’s not those flashy scenes where you take a fatal hit for someone, but yuujin giving his life up not just to save humanity, but more importantly to save haru from having to shoulder the heavy burden of actually making the choice to kill yuujin. i thought that was a really powerful scene and it really got to me. - (shipping) haru and rei...i don’t care if it’s romantic or platonic or whatever i just love seeing them interact so, so much. people who know i like other pairs like seliph/ares, aichi/kai, etc...it’s the same pattern, nice pure boy gets the brooding edgy jerk to open up. i am a predictable person lol

story: - there are a lot of fillers. (but what is a digimon season without fillers?) i like fillers myself (probably why i like hunters when many people hate it), but i read the wtw comment threads every week and you get tons of complaints every time it hits a filler ep, and i can somewhat understand their frustration. appmon can be a drag to watch if you’re the kind who hates fillers. (i don’t deny a few fillers like the maripero ep did bore me though) - appmon does handle the main plot progression better than hunters though, despite the still whack pacing, and the fillers still tend to have nice character bits/growth. i love hunters but i won’t defend its absolute disregard for plot then trying to cram everything in at the last minute haha. still there are a number of unanswered questions..while i do agree that not all questions necessarily need answering, they can still provide deeper insight to characters. - personally, i liked how they kept the lightheartedness of the story while touching on salient AI-related issues. but while they bring up some very interesting issues, i don’t feel like they addressed them satisfactorily (at least from my pov)? leviathan’s aim with the humanity applification plan was to eradicate problems like conflict, disease, and human error from humanity, which is in a way even backed up by haru’s grandpa, who mentions “being data is great! without a physical body, one has no need to worry about injuries or sickness”, coming from someone who died in part because of sickness. you can see where the protags are coming from, but they never really address these ‘benefits’ of the humanity applification plan and how the benefits of not going through with the plan would outweigh the benefits of going through. - app-fusion might work well as a game mechanic, but i think it only serves to detract from the story in the anime, at least the way it is right now. for two series whose evolution is centred around fusion, xros wars handles fusion much better, utilising more creativity in both using and fusing the ‘fodder digimon’. appmon just tends to forget its fodder appmon exist. i personally think that appmon would be better off if its app-fusions were treated as simple evolutions instead (that’s pretty much how they treat the buddy appmon anyway; globemon is pretty much treated as ‘evolved gatchmon’, rather than an actual fusion of dogatchmon and timemon), that way you don’t get the nagging feeling that the fusion fodder appmon are just..fodder. - speaking of app-fusion, i have to say i personally prefer the more emotion-driven evolutions from the earlier seasons, rather than the evolutions achieved by getting the correct chip as we see in appmon. it makes sense from a gameplay perspective, but in context of the anime it feels..less impactful, i guess? i just always love seeing the bonds between the humans and their partners get tested, and become even stronger. - on an unrelated note, i find it funny that the show has a subplot involving two computer genius brothers and the cicada 3301 thing, mainly because i have a FDD story centered around the same idea (that i don’t make progress on at all. it probably looks like an appmon ripoff now but i don’t care haha)

designs: - i love the standard grade main appmon designs, they’re all so cute ;w; they have this distinct style in mind and i think they pulled it off well. (i’ve warmed up to musimon’s design A LOT from when he was first revealed, but i do still think it could be slightly less cluttered) - the ultimate grades are PERFECT, they’re some of my favourite digimon designs and possibly one of my favourite ‘group’ of designs out of protagonist digimon!! (possibly only bested by the frontier beast spirits and maybe the savers ultimates/tamers adults? haha) i just...yes. they’re amazing. i love them so so SO much - i’m not a fan of the direction they took with the god grades (maybe because i love the ultimate grades too much lol). all the gold didn’t sit too well with me either, maybe because we already had so much gold in xros wars? i do think they make great ‘final forms’ for the protagonist mons, but personally i still greatly prefer all their other forms to their god forms. i’m a bit more partial to hadesmon than the others because i LOVE jesmon, but hm...hadesmon still looks a lot more gaudy..like jesmon’s gaudy little brother. hahaha - i think the level system is a nice simplification from digimon. hopefully this means we can see appmon in future digimon games..they would be easier to implement than xw digimon anyway, haha;;

animation: - like many others i was skeptical about the making of higher-grade appmon 3DCG at first, though it eventually grew on me. the fights between 3DCG appmon were nicely done, but seeing the difference in animation between the 2D characters and 3DCG appmon was jarring, especially in shots where they’re together, mostly because of the framerate..the 3DCG appmon are animated on 1s? while the humans are animated on 3s like normal anime, it’s a big difference. thankfully most 3DCG fights don’t bring in the humans much. - the models/3D animation are still pretty well done! and i appreciate that they didn’t render them cel-shaded like what most anime do with 3D models (i remember translating the appmon interview mentioning why they did this, before appmon started airing; i was skeptical but now i can see what they were going for and i think it turned out well!) - after watching appmon i think 3DCG is a nice move for toei though, because we all know toei’s animation quality...could be better? hahaha. but i find toei’s weakness isn’t so much layout/choreography, but more of sometimes poorly-drawn frames, bad timing, or too little inbetweens, some of which are solved with 3DCG. you can especially see the contrast with digimon tri’s fight scenes; highly detailed digimon like jesmon for example would’ve benefited greatly from 3DCG, i know how painful it is to translate all of its details to 2D animation but as you can see it results in quite a number of not-as-nicely drawn frames. - special mention to charismon because i really like how he was modeled/rigged. those eyes!! can you imagine duskmon in 3D doing that and with those creepy sound effects too. - i’m not a huge fan of the palettes used in the AR-fields..(i didn’t like how the digiquartz was depicted that much either, and their depictions are quite similar so yeah) i can definitely see the effect they’re going for, but it felt more ‘kiddy alien-ish’ than ‘digital’ to me.

music: - i found the music quite ok (i liked DiVE!! and BE MY LIGHT though!), but i guess it didn’t match up to my personal tastes as much :x sadly appmon might be the lowest of the digimon seasons when it comes to music for me, i liked that endings are back! but the songs themselves didn’t captivate me as much as the previous seasons’ ending songs did. - on that note i’m glad they put in an insert song though! i guess i’m just really big on insert songs in digimon because as a kid i printed out the lyrics to brave heart and the other evo songs and loved singing along when they played in the show. lol - i remember complaining about this when the first episode aired, and my opinion still hasn’t changed 52 eps in. i CANNOT stand the applidrive voice at all hahaha (and the speed-up effect they use when app-linking/fusing) - the character songs are cute!! i’m personally really glad they decided to make them :) - the background music was pretty nice and had some memorable tracks..i’m not quite sure how i’d compare it to the rest? i liked all the soundtracks so far, though xros wars’ and frontier’s osts stood out especially for me.

[theproofinthisong]

WALLS REVIEW

i’m back for my review of walls!!

kill my mind: the perfect opening for the album & to announce the new era. i remember listening to it for the first time and my jaw dropping because i didn’t expect that sound & at the same time, it made total sense. it’s not my favorite genre personally but this track is so audacious and amazing. it’s probably the one that is the most different from louis’ previous sounds (in the band or solo stuff) and he’s giving us LIFE with the pop punk bop we always dreamed of. his voice is unique in every song but it especially stands out in this one, particularly at the beginning of the track. it’s such a fierce catchy and energetic track, you want to scream it at the top of your lungs. this is the type of song that makes the crowd lose its shit live. can’t wait to see it. the gimmicks in this one (the aaaah aaah part and the kill my kill my at the end mostly) are so clever, you hear them one time and boom, they can’t leave your mind, it’s witchcraft. i love the contrast between the very high and very low notes, they’re just perfection. AND THE BELTING!!! it’s hot. the earlier pop inspirations are pretty much there and it’s such a wonderful tribute. no wonder why louis loves this track so much. it’s gold and very very bold. 

don’t let it break your heart: see, the first time i listened to the new tracks (at ccme), i was instantly captivated by defenceless & habit. dliby was not a favorite instantly. but it became one. i don’t know why THE FUCK i didn’t pick as a favorite right on the spot. because it is a godsent. like hell!!! the nostalgia!! the raw emotion!! the hope it’s giving you!! the goosebumps!! and OH MY GOD louis’ voice in his...one of his best vocals. like period. it’s so soft and so strong at the same time. it’s so full of feelings, like the vulnerability!! the song speaks to me so much. AND OH MY GOD THE ALBUM VERSION!!! the single one was already extraordinary but the album arrangment makes it even more perfect and delicate!!! the writing in this one makes me cry, it’s so to the point and honest, like you can feel his heart beating in it. it’s the kind of music you carry with you. i know decades from now, it will remind me of my youth and the happy times i had back then. god i’m already sobbing.

two of us: honestly, there are no words for this one. it’s above everything. it’s without a doubt louis’ most personal and gutwrenching track. it’s not the one i listen to the most because it’s painful and so real. you can feel every crack, every hurdle, every tear, every ounce of desperation, every bit of newfound hope. i have a personal connection to this one because i experienced what louis is talking about. i lost my dad when i was 16, a little younger than louis. and oh my god the words he uses to talk about it and his grief is what i felt and still feel. those songs where EVERY WORD could be applied to you and your situation almost never happen. it’s a miracle. so yeah, it hurts to listen to it. but it also makes me really happy. i feel understood, i feel a kinship to him. and while i have no doubt everyone can relate to this song and have it resonating with them, losing a parent is a very specific kind of grief. and i never saw someone describing it so well in a song. his voice is so angelic in this. it’s so controlled but at the same time it’s on the verge of collapsing everytime and never does. god. if i had to pick a song to have as a tattoo, i will pick this one for sure. what a masterpiece.

we made it: BLOODY WE MADE IT. one of the most IN YOUR FACE larry songs out of walls (even if they all are) and i’m dying. it’s easily in my top 3 of louis’ songs performed live. THE POWER. THE CERTAINTY OF IT ALL. like his voice is so assured in this while still being able to be vulnerable and fragile. HOW?? HOW CAN YOU DO IT?? it’s one of the sappiest love songs i’ve ever heard but those are my weakness and fave. what a beautiful declaration. the lyrics are...well i still can’t believe they’re real. he deadass told us everything about his relationship with harry and how they were able to overcome all the obstacles thrown in their faces. in terms of melody, it’s a 10000000/10. you can’t help but sing it with him. it’s wonderfully produced, like the best kind of pop. it has a bit of those oasis vibes (walls and dlibyh also have them) which i’m a HUGE fan of. it’s such an effective single, like i can’t even count the times i listened to it. fucking treasure.

too young: another case of a song i adored the minute i listened to it, but it wasn’t as intense as with others. now it’s truly one of my most cherished tracks out of the album. the opening lines simply kill you, it’s whispered, it’s tender, it’s!!!! too much for my heart!! i’m swooning. i love that he doesn’t push his voice there, it stays at a low level and it makes it even more louder, in a way?? you feel like he’s speaking to only one person (who?? i wonder...), it’s so intimate i almost feel like intruding?? it’s a fucking gift. in terms of writing, it’s also one of my favorite because there are no filters. it tells the story without fear. louis just spilled his whole heart out in his track and that’s so fucking admirable. a jewel we need to protect.

walls: FIRST THE FUCKING INSTRUMENTAL. it fucking ruined me. someone said this song was like a late night conversation and it’s true. walls is probably the song that shows his personal growth the most, like louis couldn’t have written this song five years ago. it’s so grown. it’s so wise. so full of life and conclusions you made. it’s peaceful. it’s reassuring. i don’t know how a song can make you feel all of that but it does. and the lyrics are one of his best. it’s so significative at times (the goodbyes line for example), but metaphorical also (the cardboard full of clothes lines IS GENIUS and the walls one...obviously the best) and opening the song with a sentence and ending it with it is...pure magic. it’s clever but not only. it shows how much he went through and how he’s healing from it and how it helped him, in a way. and the voice. liquid honey. bye.

habit: legend snapped when he included the princess park line. what a chaotic larrie. i expected nothing less from him. i love the melody, it’s so catchy and happy!! it’s kind of a break after the rollercoaster you just went through. very needed. i’m still having a breakdown over it though. it’s such a cute ballad and beautiful love song. you just wanna move your head to it, it makes you truly happy. sunshine in a song form. like i’m smiling rn. and you can hear louis smiling while singing it too!!! it’s...wow. he’s able to communicate his feelings in a manner no other artist can. i will never get tired of it.

always you: we did our waiting. we were fucking starved. now we’re being fed babes!! miss always you is so iconic. the melody is ingrained in my brain after hundred times of listening to that damn snippet. the things i would do for louis. i love what he does with his voice in this, like he’s changing tones and going from one note to another like a champ. this song is so fucking hard to sing and louis is the ONLY one who can master it. shows how unique his voice is. i’m in love with the high parts and the chorus. dang. that’s a song. tell me that this song isn’t THE SHIT. it’s iconic as fuck. and it’s so lovely. still haven’t recovered from all the baby and home mentions. ALSO the legs wrapped around me line??? kill me please!!! i do not thank you.

fearless: now that’s an adjective that comes to mind while talking about louis. the verses aren’t my favorite melody wise but omg the bridge and the chorus!! he did that!!! it’s also the song where he’s singing the lowest (that head voice bitch) and omg. for now it isn’t in my top but i know it will grow on me and i can’t wait.  the lyrics are amazing nonetheless.

perfect now: we know it’s louis’ least favorite track and it’s mine too. it’s still louis though so still amazing. just like fearless, the verses aren’t my favorite part but same, the bridge and the chorus are wonderful. it’s pretty soft. also this is a song about harry (you steal the scene and it’s unrehearsed??) but some sentences can be applied to family and it’s such a nice & encouraging track to listen to when you think about the people you love. it’s very happy. makes you feel loved and exactly where you should be. and as always, his voice is to die for in it.

defenceless: to the surprise of exactly nobody, it’s my favorite song out of walls. it was love at first sight. you cannot explain it. it just is. in terms of writing, it’s my personal favorite (especially “sleeping on our problems and we’ll solve them in our dreams” which is pure poetry...the talent, the impact...i’m dying. also i put this quote everywhere i could, i’m OBSESSED with it). it tucks at your heartstrings, like it’s a very hopeful song but at the same time it’s full of memory of heartbreaks. i could bawl talking about it. harry and louis’ situation is impossible to describe and to comprehend. the things and contradictory feelings they had to face..i can’t even imagine. but he gives us a full glimpse of it in this song. and it’s so fucking brave to be this honest. it takes so much courage and trust. and i’m just in awe. artistically speaking, it’s a fucking tour de force. but like personally, what it means to louis...oh god. i’m dead. and THE MOTHERFUCKING FALSETTO. louis almost never uses it and oh my god. it’s breathtaking. it’s what you hear when you enter heaven. no one, fucking no one, has this kind of falsetto. it’s so special. it makes me wanna die. it’s too much for my heart. my god.

only the brave: it would have been ALSO my favorite song out of walls it it was longer. because it’s...i’m speechless. also very oasis but very louis. and sorry, but it’s better than oasis will ever be. there i said it. the lyrics are objectively the best out of the album, like i’m a slut for metaphors and they’re everywhere in here. i don’t know how to qualify it really but it has this anthem like quality? i can see the arena and thousands of people singing it back to louis. it reminds me of home in the sense that it’s subtle but very blatant at the same time. like he wrote this for us gay people. that ache is there. the pain. the underlying anger. but the optimism. knowing the hurt but never wishing to go back. the vocal control is incredible in this, i’ll say it again, but the ability to switch to chest voice to head voice back to back...he’s one in a billion. there is an intention behind every line and you can feel it piercing your soul. gimme rest.

4 years in the making. i’m so glad i waited and was besides Louis through it all. i’m so fucking proud i could cry. it’s a masterpiece of an album. it has everything. simply everything. i couldn’t have dreamed something better. the voice, the melodies, the lyrics, the emotion, the confidence, the range, the diversity of sounds, the different influences and the way he’s able to bring the best out of them and make them this, the old pop vibe of it while remaining extra modern..it’s pure art. it’s what art should be. making you feel every emotion the artist wanted you to. no one does it better than louis. god. thank you.

[theatresleepovers]

hogwarts houses

I’m interested in the intersections and contrasts between fanon house identities and canon house identities. The houses in the books are fairly simplistic, not to mention seen through a biased lens (Harry!). When readers took the houses for themselves, all the houses have expanded and become much more complex, because now they apply to real people. One thing I’ve been thinking about though, is how often fans talk about Gryffindor in terms of traits I consider to be pretty Hufflepuff (fighting for justice etc). So I decided to go back to canon, looking for the least biased descriptions available: the words of the Sorting Hat itself, and the house welcome letters on the old Pottermore (of course these are biased, as written by prefects of the house, but at least they’re all biased toward themselves, not like Harry seeing everything from a Gryffindor viewpoint).

Gryffindor:

Hat describing the house: boldest, brave, bravest, brave deeds to their name, chivalry, daring, nerve.

Hat describing Godric: best friends with Slytherin, bold, came up with the idea of the hat, daring, from wild moor.

Pottermore welcome message: 

Not arrogant or too brave for our own good.

The lion is the bravest of all creatures.

The best house in the school.

The bravest and boldest.

Quidditch rivals of Slytherin.

My impression of fanon identities: fun-loving, doing what’s right, standing up for people (even strangers), social, people-oriented, enjoying group activities like sports, fun, vibrant, loving, people are afraid to start shit with them, everything is better when it’s together, the more the merrier, wanting to do good for the world, don’t appreciate dishonorable actions like lying, take the high road, dedicated, romantic, not afraid of the risk of mistakes because you can’t succeed if you don’t try in the first place, sometimes they do dumb shit but hey that’s how you learn and get better at things, noble, really love music-- there’s a perfect song for every situation, they don’t shut down in difficult situations, always up for adventure, appreciate a good prank, get a thrill out of overcoming their fears, there are things more important than wasting your life cleaning, fierce protectors of children, spontaneous, they value courtesy, honor, helping the less fortunate, express affection physically, can be a bit loud, make the best of every situation, actions speak louder than words, unabashedly love traditions, not wimps when it comes to exercising.

Hufflepuff:

Hat describing the house: hard workers, unafraid of toil, just, loyal, patient, true.

Hat describing Helga: best friends with Ravenclaw, from valley broad, good, “I’ll teach the lot and treat them all the same,” sweet.

Pottermore welcome message:

The badger is often underestimated, because it lives quietly until attacked, but when provoked, can fight off animals much larger than itself. Like badgers, we know exactly how to lie low – and how to defend ourselves.

Not the least clever house: has produced just as many brilliant witches and wizards as any other.

The least boastful house: we don’t shout about it, we don’t get the credit we deserve, we don’t shoot our mouths off.

Trustworthy and loyal; the friendliest, most decent and most tenacious house.

Cross us at your peril; like our emblem, the badger, we will protect ourselves, our friends and our families. Nobody intimidates us.

Get along best with Gryffindors but thinks they’re slightly less moral. Don’t like Slytherins (consider them cheaters, averse to fair play and hard work). They think Ravenclaws are boastful and claim undue credit.

My impression of fanon identities: want everyone to be happy, supportive friends, love comforts like food and coziness, love plants and animals, easy to get along with, will always go to the defense of a friend, want everything to be fair, stand up for injustices, but still pretty chill, if something inspires them they want to share it so others can feel inspired too, strive for mental peace, driven by the need to help others, loyal but also value doing what’s right, don’t despair, really love their friends, good at keeping secrets, love underappreciated details, will wait patiently for a good outcome, like cute stuff, appreciate useful inventions, guilt-free indulging, love guerrilla art, don’t get worked up about things not going as planned, love to give their friends things to show they’re thinking of them, will finish something once they start, want to see the best in everyone, empathetic, nostalgic, actively try to act without favoritism or discrimination.

Ravenclaw:

Hat describing the house: cleverest, learning, ready mind, sharpest mind, surest intelligence, wise, wit.

Hat describing Rowena: best friends with Hufflepuff, fair, from glen.

Pottermore welcome message: 

This is the house where the cleverest witches and wizards live.

Our founder prized learning above all else – and so do we.

Our emblem is the eagle, which soars where others cannot climb.

Ravenclaws learn quickly and enjoy challenges.

They like to work together to solve problems, and learn from students in different years.

Our people are the most individual – some might even call them eccentrics. We think you’ve got the right to wear what you like, believe what you want, and say what you feel. We value people who march to a different tune.

Might speculate about personal questions, but not rude enough to ask.

The cleverest, quirkiest and most interesting house.

Somewhat allied with Slytherin, but guarded. They like Gryffindors okay but think they’re show-offs and intolerant of individual differences. They think Hufflepuffs are very nice but not academic.

My impression of fanon identities: get really excited about/distracted by fun facts, love books, creativity, arts and sciences are equally respected, they like things that blend analytic and creative ways of thinking, appreciate people who make things and do things but they also appreciate people who just love things, analytic, democratic, like being seen as the friend with all the answers, get really into specific interests, enjoy debates for the sake of learning about and developing different points of view, read the news, prefer arguments that have numbers to back them up, strive for both knowledge and wisdom (and knowing the difference), want to preserve ancient knowledge but also pursue new discoveries, accepting of everyone, want to be the best and stand out from the group, imaginative, some are procrastinators while others are super organized, want to help bring out the best in their friends, original ideas, often put school/work/passions before their own well-being, some are good at memorizing and others are scatter-brained, sometimes making things and achieving things is more important than asking why are we doing this, value individuality over conformity, see aesthetics and value in most things, they know they’re smarter than others but try not to show off too much, interested in people and machines and books and art and everything, some prefer people-watching and others prefer meeting everyone, see sleep as a waste of time, insatiable curiosity, always creating, make friends by trading witticisms, mind is always buzzing, don’t immediately dismiss wild ideas, “great things – terrible, yes, but great” -- achievement can stand for itself not just when it does something good, if you start a fight with a Ravenclaw they will use words you’ve never heard before to explain exactly how stupid you are.

Slytherin:

Hat describing the house: ambition, ancestry’s purest, only pure-blood, any means to achieve the ends, cunning, great cunning, greatness, real friends.

Hat describing Salazar: best friends with Gryffindor, from fen, great cunning, left the school due to infighting, power-hungry, shrewd.

Pottermore welcome message: 

The serpent is the wisest of creatures. Like the snake, we are sleek, powerful, and frequently misunderstood.

Not all into the Dark Arts, not snobby to non-famous people, not bad people.

We have traditionally tended to take students who come from long lines of witches and wizards, but nowadays you’ll find plenty of people in Slytherin house who have at least one Muggle parent.

The coolest and edgiest house.

We play to win, because we care about the honour and traditions of Slytherin.

We look after our own. We are brothers. Once you’ve become a snake, you’re one of ours – one of the elite.

We get respect from fellow students. It can be fun, having a reputation for walking on the wild side.

Slytherins are chosen for their potential to be great. If you think someone in Slytherin doesn’t seem special, keep it to yourself. They’re Slytherins and we support them.

They think Ravenclaws are embarrassing for their lack of group camaraderie, and for their nerdiness. Gryffindors are wannabe Slytherins, more similar to Slytherins than they like to think, but rivals.

My impression of fanon identities: if it’s necessary it must be done, like mystery, fabulous, fashionable, amazing parties, keep private things private but have very close friendships, classy, diplomatic, love challenges, appreciate clean and classic aesthetics, always striving to be the best version of themselves, organized goal-setters, don’t see much point in having skills and abilities if you don’t use them, good at solving problems, prefer to come and collect their own if someone’s misbehaving and deal with them in private rather than see a Slytherin punished publicly, love the feeling of well-earned pride, half-truths don’t count as lies, not afraid to admit that they’re better than some people, love group fun and mischief, want to be the best but they want to uphold their people, don’t get nervous talking to celebrities, make beautiful gifts for their friends, not afraid to call people out, always have the perfect outfit for the weather and the event, outsiders might not think they’re friendly but they put all their energy into their friends, determined, into genealogy and history, appreciate honesty but supporting your friends comes first, resourceful, not afraid of daring makeup/clothing/hair Looks, value traditions and long-standing customs, see it as dishonorable to dissociate themselves from unsavory Slytherins, love to succeed to spite people who didn’t believe in them, would rather be a nobody than remembered for something embarrassing.

Wisdom

Here’s something I was curious about: the Slytherin welcome letter says their mascot is a snake because “the serpent is the wisest of creatures.” Is this a common concept in folklore? I googled ‘wise serpent’ and the overwhelming was this Jesus quote from the book of Matthew: “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves. Therefore be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.” One church’s webpage explains the “wise as serpents” phrase like this, in the most Slytherin description I have ever read:

To be wise means to be marked by understanding of people and situations, to have keen and unusual discernment, and a capacity for sound judgment in dealing with people and situations. Prudent would also be an appropriate synonym.

To discern means to detect with the eyes and with senses other than vision. It also means to read character or motives. We would all do well to have this ability. In place of “wise,” other translations use “shrewd” and “wary.” Shrewd means to be practical and to be given to an artful way of dealing with situations and people. To be wary is to use watchful prudence in detecting and escaping danger.

Now consider several facts from snake experts.

Snakes are pros at escaping. Their most common form of self-protection is avoidance. A snake’s first line of defense is to escape to safety among rocks or vegetation. Snakes have to be alert to dangers. Most snakes are not aggressive. Snakes do not want to attack humans. Snakes bite humans only in self-defense. They would rather not confront us.

Remember, a synonym for wise is prudent. Do these facts bring any scriptures to mind? Let’s read Proverbs 27:12 in the New International Version: “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” Another verse earlier in Proverbs mentions both wisdom and prudence: “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways” (14:8, NIV).

So it seems that we can be as wise as serpents by perceiving and avoiding danger and escaping from it!

This passage basically sums up the Malfoys. They like to be the most important person just behind the figurehead, not the figurehead themselves-- and when their leader was brought down, they cleverly slithered out of danger. Is this snake-wisdom different from the eagle-wisdom of Ravenclaw? Google’s suggestions for ‘eagle wisdom’ are much more varied; it appears that the eagle is a common symbol of wisdom. Here is an explanation of eagle wisdom from a website about mindfulness:

If you wish to see an eagle in flight, you must take the time to be thorough and look far beyond the places you might expect to see a bird in the sky. Eagles often soar at amazing altitudes and may even seem to disappear behind the clouds from time to time. So, lesson number one: SIT, BE PATIENT, AND OPEN TO EXPLORING NEW HEIGHTS.

When you find an eagle in flight, you quickly notice that eagles are masters of energy conservation. By completely spreading its wings and by paying careful attention to balance, it uses only a minimal expenditure of energy to remain aloft, moving at great speeds, buoyed by the natural currents of air, and trusting that the wind will carry it precisely where it needs to be. So, lesson number two: STRETCH OUT FULLY, FIND YOUR BALANCE AND LET IT UNFOLD.

Finally, when you dedicate an afternoon to being with the eagles, you may witness an eagle at play. Somehow even amidst the work to thrive in the wild, an eagle values play. Without warning, it will sometimes break from the expected trajectory of its flight path and cartwheel through the air, seemingly for no reason other than because it can. So, the final lesson of the day: FIND TIME TO BE JOYFUL.

This does sound pretty Slytherin as well, but I see the Ravenclaw especially in the second point, about using what you know about your tools to achieve your best.

Individual vs. group values

In my perceptions of the houses, I tend to think of Gryffindor and Hufflepuff as more social, more group-oriented, and Ravenclaw and Slytherin as more individual, more proving yourself on your own worth. I was surprised to see how much the Slytherin welcome letter emphasizes group cohesion, loyalty, camaraderie, and unwavering support for your group. This doesn’t really come across in the hat’s songs (emphasis on ambition and cunning). But I don’t see any hypocrisy with seeking ambition for yourself and for your group, while also being staunchly supportive of your friends and family.

We know Ravenclaws are individualists, and they seem to look down on Gryffindors for being intolerant of people who are different. So, are Gryffindor and Slytherin really the most group-oriented of the four? Where does Hufflepuff sit? I think Hufflepuffs are concerned about group dynamics, but now rethinking I do think they’re more individualist than I’d thought before. After all, the Hufflepuff house was seemingly founded on an objection to the concept of dividing students in the first place-- “I’ll teach the lot and treat them all the same.” Getting along with each other doesn’t necessitate conformity.

Hufflepuff’s hat verses and welcome letter both mention loyalty by name. Slytherin’s doesn’t, but it certainly employs the concept (“You might see a couple of people hanging around the common room whom you might not think are destined for anything special. Well, keep that to yourself. If the Sorting Hat put them in here, there’s something great about them, and don’t you forget it.”). 

As usual, the answer is much more complicated than the books would make it seem. I don’t have a nice neat spectrum chart. I think all traits are present in all houses. 

Another too-simplistic four-cornered spectrum: cold pricklies vs. warm fuzzies. A friend of mine had a theory that all people can be sorted into these two groups. Neither felt right for most people we tried to categorize, though, so we mixed and matched: Cold pricklies are unfriendly to outsiders and pessimistic privately (Slytherin?). Cold fuzzies seem unfriendly but are privately full of love (Ravenclaw?). Warm fuzzies seem affectionate and loving, and they have everyone’s best interests at heart (Hufflepuff?). Warm pricklies are friendly and fun, but can be catty and rude (Gryffindor?).

Again, too simple. But it’s fun to think about. Here’s another one for you:

Burritos by houses

“Oh no,” he said, trying to roll up his burrito. “I overstuffed it again. My burrito was too ambitious.”

“A Slytherin burrito,” I replied. “Its ambition was its own downfall.”

But was it? Which house is most likely to overstuff a burrito too big to roll up?

Gryffindor: “I want beans, I want guacamole, I’m hungry and I know what I want, so fuck it, I don’t care if it doesn’t roll up. I’m sure I’ll be an amazing burrito-roller soon, but you gotta commit and fail before you succeed.”

Hufflepuff: “This is all so delicious. Fat burritos are the best burritos. I love comfort food and rationing portions brings negative feelings, but eating should bring only positive feelings. I will still love this burrito even if it’s ugly. I have a spoon in case it falls apart.”

Ravenclaw: “You say I shouldn’t pack the burrito too big? You say it’ll fall apart if I do? Well, maybe so, but I need to test your theory before I believe it. I have to test my limits to find out what the best strategy really is. I’ll get good at this eventually, but you have to try all approaches so you know you’re not missing out on a good option.”

Slytherin: “I can totally fit in all this food. I don’t care what you say, I’m doing it. ... Ah well, maybe it was too ambitious, but at least I got all the food that I wanted! You can’t value ambition without also being supportive of failure.”

And this is why house sorting quizzes are usually bad. It’s not the *action* that determines which house you should be in, it’s the *rationale* behind the action that matters.

Associations

The four houses are associated with the four most classical elements: air, earth, fire, and water. Aristotle organized these four into a four-cornered spectrum.

Each house has a main color and a metal.

Each house is represented by a predatory animal.

Each founder was from a different part of the British Isles.

Gryffindor: fire -- red and gold -- lion -- wild moor 

Aristotle’s element spectrum: fire is hot and dry.

Red on wikipedia: “Since red is the colour of blood, it has historically been associated with sacrifice, danger and courage... Red is also the colour most commonly associated with heat, activity, passion, sexuality, anger, love and joy... happiness and good fortune.” “During post-classical and early modern Europe, the color was reserved for nobility.”

Gold has a lot of heavy cultural significance, e.g. medals, trophies, crowns, wedding rings, perfect & divine principles (golden ratio, golden rule), wisdom of aging and fruition (golden anniversary, golden years, the golden age of a civilization).

The lion is a carnivorous mammal from Africa. This is the only house emblem that doesn’t live in the British Isles (at least not within written history). Lions have been a big deal in British symbolism for a very long time, though I don’t know if lions in British heraldry go back as far as the founding of Hogwarts (c. 990 CE). However, the British knew about lions back then (since they’re in the Bible, which was introduced to the UK long before the founding of Hogwarts). Perhaps the exotic lion symbolizes foreign power and greatness to Gryffindors.

Gryffindor is presumably from Godric’s Hollow, a small West Country village in England. 

Hufflepuff: earth -- yellow and black (iron) -- badger -- valley broad

Aristotle’s element spectrum: earth is cold and dry.

Yellow on wikipedia: “Yellow is associated with amusement, gentleness, humor, spontaneity, duplicity, envy, jealousy, avarice, cowardice, pallor, sickness, wisdom, connection, happiness, glory, harmony, wisdom, ambivalence, contradiction, optimism, betrayal, virtue, nobility.”

Black is the only secondary color that’s not the name of a metal; I’ve extrapolated that it might stand for iron. Iron is associated with Mars, and the Iron Age is associated with Rome. Iron may symbolize strength, obstinacy, fortitude, honor, courage, sharpness (of body and mind), tenacity, and confidence in power, physical power, aggression, growth, dependence, protection, lust, confidence, courage, strength, stamina, and resilience.

The badger is an omnivorous mammal from many places, including the British Isles. This is the only house emblem that is omnivorous. Two of the emblems are mammals, so the badger and the lion are not unique in that sense. This seems to evoke the Hufflepuff values of down-to-earth inclusiveness.

HP wikia: “The Sorting Hat refers to Helga as "sweet Hufflepuff, from valley broad", which is likely a reference to the Welsh valleys. Furthermore, in The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Helga's portrait speaks with a Welsh accent."

Ravenclaw: air -- blue and bronze -- eagle -- glen

Aristotle’s element spectrum: air is hot and wet. 

Blue on wikipedia: “Blue is associated with harmony, faithfulness, confidence, distance, infinity, the imagination, cold, sadness, masculinity, intelligence, knowledge, calm, concentration, spirituality, eternity, serious but not grim, authoritative but not threatening, peacekeeping, friendly forces, melancholy, fidelity, loyalty.”

In the Bible, bronze may symbolize the physical world of sin, while gold represents the divine world. Bronze also may symbolize that which is firm, stubborn, strong, enduring, physically beautiful, judgment, tests.

The eagle is a carnivorous bird from many places, including the British Isles. This is the only bird among the house emblems. Eagles are known for soaring far above what anyone else can achieve, inspiring envy among ground-bound humans. But this skill and freedom come naturally to eagles -- and to Ravenclaws.

Ravenclaw was Scottish.

Slytherin: water -- green and silver -- snake -- fen

Aristotle’s element spectrum: water is cold and wet. 

Green on wikipedia: “During post-classical and early modern Europe, green was the color commonly associated with wealth, merchants, bankers and the gentry... green is the color of nature, life, health, youth, spring, hope and envy... toxicity and poor health... fertility and happiness... the color of environmental friendliness... the traditional color of safety and permission.” Slytherin is the only house with a secondary color as its main theme color. (Say a prayer for the orange and purple houses.) Maybe this secondary color represents a nuance to the Slytherin identity that the others don’t have? Or maybe it’s placing the Slytherin identity as a mixture of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, as green is a mixture of blue and yellow. Or maybe it simply means that green is the opposite -- aka complementary -- color to red. Hmm. (Of course that sort of implies that Gryff is the alpha in that dynamic, haha. Let the slash commence.)

Silver represents second-best (again, after Gryff’s alpha gold...), mystic powers (silver bullet is the only effective weapon against certain monsters, so symbolically it’s a simple solution with very high effectiveness or almost miraculous results), “thirty pieces of silver” is a biblical representation of betrayal, also represents greed and degradation of consciousness.

The snake is a carnivorous reptile native to many places, including the British Isles. This is the only reptile among the house emblems, and the only cold-blooded animal. Cold-blooded animals adjust to the environment around them, and depend on other things to generate the heat that they need. Snakes are extremely well-adapted to fulfill the niche that they are born into. Snakes live pretty much everywhere in the world that’s not polar; they are amazingly good at survival and adaptation. The snake has significant biblical symbolism as well, of temptation and knowledge. In other cultures, snakes are often symbols of rebirth and fertility, since they shed their skins as they grow (which of course is itself an idiom in English for moving on from one’s past).

Slytherin’s color is green, and he departed from a union of four -- this sounds a lot like Ireland to me, even though the word “fen” is heavily associated with The Fens in England. Of course there are fens in Ireland as well.

u/hawksfan81 on harry potter reddit points out an interesting parallel: “St. Patrick is said to have driven all the snakes out of Ireland. Most people believe that this refers to him driving the enemies of the Church out. I would definitely believe that wizards and witches would qualify as enemies of the Church. So, perhaps Slytherin took the symbol of a snake to refer to Irish wizards and witches being called snakes?”

(This is a classic move that still has cultural import today, cough taylor swift cough)

[sarahburness]

How Recovering People-Pleasers Can Discover What They Really Want

“When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you’re not saying ‘no’ to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

People-pleasers regularly subvert their own needs for the needs of others. We spend years saying “yes” when we mean “no,” signing up for commitments we’d rather avoid, and occupying our minds with others’ desires.

When we finally clear out the clutter to put ourselves first, we look around at the empty space, bewildered, with endless questions. What do we want? What does true happiness look like for us? What would a life lived on our own terms be like?

For me, these questions once provoked anxiety. I’d spent a lifetime catering to my parents, friends, colleagues, and lovers—anyone but myself. By asking what I really wanted, I was looking my fear straight in the eye: my fear of being responsible for my own happiness. My fear of not getting what I wish for.

These fears are both potent and entirely surmountable—if we’re brave enough to connect with our innermost desires.

When we’re strongly connected to our dreams and desires, we begin to set boundaries with other people so we can reach them, and we slowly start finding the confidence to speak our truth. Our dreams and desires remind us how communicating authentically will change our lives, and the lives of our loved ones, for the better.

For this reason, we recovering people-pleasers need to reclaim our familiarity with our inner voice and innermost needs. We cannot communicate authentically with others if we can’t communicate authentically with our inner selves.

In my journey to overcome people pleasing, I’ve learned a few helpful tricks to connect with my innermost self and uncover what I really want in all areas of my life. Perhaps one (or more) of these methods may help you do the same.

1. Label your feelings.

As I mention in my article “How to Set Better Boundaries: 9 Tips for People-Pleasers,” many of us have become so attuned to the feelings of others that our own feelings are elusive strangers, entirely unrecognizable to us.

Our feelings are critical guideposts as we learn to prioritize our own needs—if we’re able to identify and own them. We can rebuild our connection to our feelings by noticing their presence in our bodies and hearts.

First, we must learn to give ourselves permission to be excited, inspired, and desirous. I often notice these feelings when they appear as fluttering in my chest or tingling down my spine. These feelings signal that I’m moving toward something that excites me.

If, like me, you’ve spent a lifetime motivated by guilt and anxiety, your positive emotions can starkly illuminate the activities and relationships that bring you pure joy.

We can also learn from feelings that are challenging or unpleasant, once we’re able to identify them. Instead of glossing over anxiety, overwhelm, and anger, we can notice these feelings as pits in our stomachs, pressure in our chests, and tightness in our throats. Those feelings might be signals that something isn’t right for us, or that we need to set boundaries with others.

2. Leave the system.

Sometimes our deepest desires are buried under layers of fear, particularly the fear of seeming selfish or the fear of disappointing others. One way to dig beneath the fear is to mentally remove ourselves from the systems of which we’re a part.

Begin by considering one of your social systems: your romantic relationship, your workplace, your church, your family. Then, ask yourself: “What would I do differently if I weren’t a part of this system?”

Previously unacknowledged desires emerge when you extricate yourself from the pressures and influences of your system.

Years ago, when I first did this exercise, I wrote in my journal, “What would I do differently if I weren’t in a relationship with my partner?” I was amazed as my hand flew across the page, scribbling: “Sign up for a dance class! Go out with friends more! Sleep in on Sundays!”

My answers helped me realize that I was suffocating my own desires out of fear of my partner’s reactions. What I really wanted was right there on the page. Having this list enabled me to consider how I might carve out more space for my own desires within my relationship.

3. Make a wish.

The first time I saw a life coach, she began our session with the simplest of questions: “If you were granted three wishes, what would you wish for?”

At first I thought her question was contrived, but when I answered, two of my responses were illuminating: I wished for a healthier relationship with my family, and I wished to become fully self-employed in the career of my dreams.

Then she looked me in the eye: “You want these two things very much?”

I nodded.

“More than anything else in the world?”

I nodded again.

She grinned. “Then what have you been waiting for?”

I was speechless. I’d never given myself permission to suspend reality, if only for a moment, to dream big. Making a wish allowed me to dive into my dreams without stopping myself with “What if?”s  “How?”s and “I could never do that.” Once I spoke my desires aloud, I could no longer ignore their truth. I begin strategizing how to get there.

Practice suspending reality to discover what you crave. Imagine that you could make a wish that would be instantly granted, or imagine that you could walk through a door and your ideal life waited on the other side. What do you notice about these dreams? What desires do they demonstrate?

4. Weave a web of impact.

One of people-pleasers’ greatest challenges is the fear of being perceived as selfish or uncaring. I know this was true for me. Many of us believe that our worth comes from meeting others’ needs. Sometimes we forget that speaking our truth positively impacts other people.

Take a moment to ask yourself the question: “If I spoke my truth and set firm boundaries, who else would benefit, and how?” Consider your partner, your friends, your colleagues, your children, passersby on the street. Consider who you might serve as a role model. Who might benefit from witnessing your strength and independence?

You will quickly realize that speaking your truth has far-reaching benefits. Keep your list visible to remind yourself of the web of impact your new habits will have.

5. Start small.

If you’ve been in a habit of people-pleasing for a long time, it may be challenging to immediately identify your own big dreams. You may feel that you truly don’t know what you want right now, and that is totally normal. Living your truth and communicating authentically are muscles; when you exercise them regularly, they become stronger over time.

Give yourself permission to start small. For example, you might not yet know what you want out of your career, but you do know you love strolling around the lake in the morning and winding down your nights with chamomile tea. You may not yet know which city you want to relocate to, but you do know you’d like to take a mid-afternoon power nap and buy thermal socks.

These wants are sacred whispers from your innermost self. Give your innermost self time to surface. By pursuing these small desires, you learn to trust yourself. You begin to realize that you are fully capable of being your own advocate and building the life you want.

Pay special attention to how it feels to meet your needs. Be patient. With the passage of time, bigger dreams make themselves known in your heart.

Authentic communication is a two-way street; we must speak truthfully to ourselves before we can speak truthfully to others. Once we become familiar with what we really want, we can imagine a world where we replace old habits, like people-pleasing, with new visions for a brighter future.

About Hailey Magee

Hailey Magee is a certified authentic communication coach who helps women set clear boundaries and speak their truth in relationship. She envisions a world where women feel empowered to dream big, speak boldly, and live radiantly. She is now accepting new clients. You can follow her on Facebook, Instagram, and visit her website, www.haileymagee.com.

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