#cause i do my budgeting and i’ve paid her and then paid for gifts or took a gift card she didn’t want and gave her cash

[lilgynt]

every conversation i have with my mom ends with me offering to give her money or buy her things and i always walk away like what the fuck just happened

[corruptedcaps]

Playing the part

“I don’t know about this Mr. Johnson. I get that you want to find out who is selling drugs on school property by having someone infiltrate Amber’s popular gang but why me? I’m just the Drama teacher! Even with this de-aging machine I’ll still look like how I did in high school which wasn’t very flattering. I used to get called friendless Tess when I was their age. The machine can also improve my looks my adjusting my DNA? And I’ll have access to a fund to buy clothes and makeup to blend in more? And I guess my theatre background with give me an edge in playing the part of a spoiled mean girl. I still don’t know, what about my students? Yes I suppose I’ll be making their lives better if I can rid this place of drugs. Ok fine I’ll do it but only for a week ok?”

“Oh my god the machine actually worked?! I look so young again! And I look way better than I did then, I could of been the most popular girl in school looking like this back then! Look at how flat my stomach is. All my split ends are gone! And my face! It’s gorgeous! in a kind of bitchy and hot way don’t you think? I need to think of an appropriately mean name to match. Mmmmean. How about Melanie. Yesss that sounds good. Or should I say bad haha. What? Oh yes of course I’ll get to work right away trying to infiltrate Amber’s clique I just need a minute to check out… everything, so could I get a little privacy?”

“Getting in tight with Amber is proving to be harder than I thought. It’s like the complete opposite of how I got into this tight outfit which fits me like a sexy glove don’t you think? I think the problem is she doesn’t see me as an equal yet. She’s dripping in expensive clothes and jewelry, so I think I need some more money to buy some better fashion sense. Then I know she’ll notice me. Surely there’s a little extra cash in the school budget for our little operation? Thanks so much Mr. Johnson, and don’t worry this is all for a good cause!”

“I’m finally in with Amber thanks to the sweet new clothes I bought. Mmmm don’t they make my tits look great, it’s ok you can look. However I need more time gaining her trust. I know I know I said a week but she’s never going to open up to me after a few days, I need her to trust me implicitly before I can take her down for good! Well yes of course I mean finding out where the drugs are coming from first but something tells me she’s wrapped up in intimately so once she’s knocked off her pedestal I have a feeling the drugs will dry up.”

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me, I had to bully those juniors otherwise Amber would know I’m faking it and our plan would be exposed. Besides those kids were wimps, it’ll do them some good to know where they are in the social hierarchy. It paid off though because Amber invited me to an exclusive party she’s throwing this weekend while her parents are out of town. It’s only been a month and I’ve been invited to the popular girl’s party. This is huge! Why aren’t you happy? End this operation? No we can’t do that! I’m so close! Amber said her college boyfriend will be there and I’m sure he’s the one supplying the drugs. We’re so close. Please just give me one more week and I’ll have results, I promise! Plus I just bought this sexy dress especially for the party, would you trust me looking like this? Thanks Mr. Johnson you won’t regret it.”

“I have some great news, because of that information I slipped you about Amber’s best friend and top pusher Brianna possessing drugs at Amber’s party on the weekend Brianna has been pulled from school by her parents and it leaves an opening I intend to fill. She’ll then have no choice but to tell me how she gets the drugs. However Amber is looking for a true test of loyalty to become her lieutenant. I’m sure you’re aware of the rumours about Brianna and Mr. Franke the chemistry teacher having an affair? I know you didn’t have enough proof to fire Franke or expel Brianna but it was enough for Amber to promote her in her ranks. Now she wants all her girls to try and bed a teacher. The girl who beds the most impressive teacher gets to best her new best friend. And I was thinking Mr. John- Alex, I was thinking what’s more impressive than a teacher? Why not a principal? Don’t worry it’s not inappropriate, remember I’m not some bright eyed 18 year old, I’m a grown woman. I know you’ve been thinking about it ever since I’ve changed and it will be all for the greater good. Don’t you want to kiss my lips? Because I want to kiss yours. Don’t you want to fuck my pussy? Because I want feel your dick in me. Oh yesssss Alex! That’s it baby!”

“Hello Alex, I hope you don’t mind but I let myself in. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the other day when we fucked. You’re just so strong and masculine and my body is so young and horny now that I needed to see you again. Our plan worked and Amber trusts me entirely. She was so impressed that I could bed the most handsome man at school. We talk about you all the time and how hot you are. What do you think of my lingerie? Don’t I look so fuckable in it? Don’t worry your wife won’t be back for hours so we’ll be able to have fun for awhile. The drugs? Let’s not worry about those for now and let’s just have a little fun.”

“This is the only way Alex. To stop all the drugs flooding into school we need to put Amber in the machine and age her up. Then we use it to rewrite her mind so she thinks she’s a teacher here so she can take over my old job. Oh you didn’t know it could do that? Well I’ve been studying it and it can do miraculous things. Like it can make Amber’s parents believe I’m their daughter now or Amber’s boyfriend Brad think I’m his girlfriend no’s. Once she is out of the picture and I take over for her then I’ll be queen of the high school and I’ll control everything. Don’t you see? With me in control I’ll make sure not a single drug comes in these doors. Don’t get cold feet now baby, this is what you wanted just not in the way you pictured. No one but you and me will know, it’ll be our little secret.”

“What’s that? I can’t really hear you inside the machine Alex and definitely no one outside of this room can hear you either so you can stop your cries for help. Don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you, in fact I’m going to be giving you a gift. After all if it wasn’t for you then I wouldn’t of been able be the hot bitch before you and ascend so quickly as queen bee of this place. I had proof after day one of Amber’s little drug operation but rather than take it down I wanted to take it over. Being made to look like a sexy cold bitch made me want to act the part and I think you’ll have to say I’ve done a fantastic job. You were so easy to fool and manipulate into doing exactly what I wanted. All I had to do was bed you and you were putty in my hand. Even now All I had to do was wear some slutty lingerie and you willing got in the machine. I almost don’t want to use it on you but I’ll be leaving this school soon and will need a protege to take over while I build my empire outside these walls. Plus I’ve always wanted a sister… Alexis.”

“Don’t we look so hawt Alexis? Two sisters as hot and as mean as us should be locked up for being this sexy. We have to look good for this new principal that’s starting today, once we have him wrapped around our finger then you’ll be able to take over my drug empire here while I joint my big dick boyfriend Brad in college. In fact I think I’ll give you the honour of fucking him, seems only appropriate that the old principal fuck the new one don’t you think?”

Pics: Karlee grey

[anightflower]

Come and Find Me

Chapter Two: Paint It Black

Hello Loves! Just to let everyone know, my chapters go from flashbacks to present day! Thank you all for sticking with me and I am sorry this chapter is posted a bit late! 

Spencer Reid x Reader 

Warnings: Mentions of Gore, violence, swearing

Read Chapter One Here 

He had spent several hours outside your window, trying to figure out the next phase of his plan. But once the Doctor had arrived and swept you into his arms, he had decided to go home. Not back to his apartment, that was the place he resided. His home was a place nobody could know about. 

It was a place for only him and his mentor Drew. 

He walked into the kitchen to find Drew cleaning up his knives. “Hey little brother, out with your girl again?” Drew asked with a mischievous smile. 

Little brother was Drew’s nickname for the boy, they weren’t blood-related, but being 7 years younger than Drew, he had taken the boy under his wing.

“Yeah, until her stupid fucking doctor came.” the boy replied. 

“Don’t worry about the Doctor, your time will come.” Drew reassured. “Come, sit, I just finished up making dinner.” 

The boy sat down, pushing aside Drew’s papers so he had space to eat.

“Ah, ah,ah, you’re going to want to look at those. Those papers contain all the fun things you need to know. I’m not teaching you all of this for nothing huh?” Drew smiles, placing the papers back in front of the boy, alongside a bowl of stew.

“Do you really think this will work?” The boy asked, glancing over Drew’s explicitly written notes.

“Don’t worry little brother, this whole thing is trial and error.” Drew reassured. “Don’t be intimidated I’ve had this whole thing planned for a while and she won’t be the first, she can be our finale-” Drew was interrupted by a scream. He rolled his eyes. “Goddamnit, this bitch just never shuts up. I wanted to surprise you with her, but now she spoiled it.” 

The boy gave Drew a curious look. Drew chuckled. “Come on little brother I will show you.” Drew led the boy down to their basement. “After she’s gone, I’ll soundproof the basement better. I just needed an idea of how loud these whores will scream.”

The color drained from the boy’s face as his gaze fell on the woman. She was tied to Drew’s metal table, she looked like one of the frogs that the Boy had to set up for dissection for Professor Irving’s class, except she was very much alive, and slightly bloodied. 

“Meet trial number one little brother, she looks quite like your girl huh? I think all of em’ should just so you can be prepared for your finale with her.” Drew turned to the Boy. “Surprise.”

“How long has she been missing?” the Boy asked, panicked. How could Drew not warn him? “Relax, like I said she’s trial one. Just a corner whore, no one will even notice she is gone. The next one will be the real challenge, I want to find one exactly like your girl and I already found her, this one we will just pump and dump. Did you get those chemicals from your professor like I asked?” 

The Boy nodded “It all in my backpack.” The Boy couldn’t drag his eyes away from the girl on the table. Yes she had your hair and eye color, but she was a hideous thing compared to you. A mere whore could never compare to you. “If she’s a whore I don’t want to touch her. I’ll try the next one.”

Drew huffed. “Fine, you only have to watch this time virgin boy. But next time, I expect you to be hands on. I’m not doing all this work for nothing.”

The Boy’s face was emotionless the whole time he watched Drew, even when the blood spurted, even when the girl looked at him, pleading for help. Even when she stopped breathing and the chemicals he brought were used to melt her flesh. 

The Boy felt nothing.

________________________________________________________________

There was an extra flounce to your step as you made your way to your favorite cafe. Maybe it was because you had successfully hired a few new employees to help your company flourish, maybe it was because one of them had already settled a new deal in Ohio, or maybe it was because you knew Spencer was coming back from a case today. 

Hell, you had just had a fantastic day and you needed to update Ava and grab your favorite mocha latte to top it off. And maybe it was your 4th coffee of the day, but so what?

Your face lit up even more when you saw Ava. “Hello my darling best friend.” You said causing Ava to grin. 

“Hey there babe, what’s got you so preppy today?” Ava asked. 

“Well, let’s see; I hired 3 new employees who already are fantastic, one of which already booked us a design job in Ohio. Oh and my superhero hot boyfriend is coming home from a case tonight.” You grinned.

Ava rolled her eyes. “I still can’t believe you told him I call him that. I wanted to dissolve into the floor and simultaneously kick your ass.” She laughed. “As for the new employees, are any of them hot? Single? Oh and Ohio is good I guess.” 

You giggled. “Well Thomas is incredibly handsome, but I am afraid his soon to be husband might want to have a word with you if you try anything. As for the other two, Aiyla and May, I think you’ll find them stunning and single.” 

Ava wiggled her eyebrows. “Don’t tempt me girl, you know I swing both ways. Anyway, grab a seat, I’ll grab your coffee and bring it out to you. I get off early today so we can actually talk to each other rather than me hopping back and forth between the counter. James gets to hold down the fort with Emma and the newbie Jane today.”

“Well, maybe Jane will help him get out of his shell.” You hoped. Ava shrugged. 

“Maybe, anyway, Ohio?” Ava questioned.

 “Oh! Yes. My new minions are sketching our designs as we speak. The company is called Ohio technological, a very original name yes-” You said as Ava snorted. “But they’re trying to create an office space like Google, however I am going to one up that and add my own spin to it. Also your girl has a fantastic budget from this company and I am being paid bank!” You squealed.

Ava squealed with you, grabbing your hands and squeezing them tight. “(Y/N) that’s fantastic! I am so proud of you girl, you’ve been working so hard on this and I am so glad it’s all working out.” 

“There is one downside though.” You said with a sigh. “I have to get my plans to them by next week and once they approve of them, I have to head to Ohio for three weeks. After that I will just have Thomas overlook the project and tie up any loose ends. Either him or I will have to fly down and check in on the progress every couple weeks until then.”

 “Could be worse though.” Ava shrugged.

“That’s true, but Spencer and I have been dating for almost 3 months and half the time we can’t see each other. I’m worried that the distance will ruin us.” You confessed.

 Ava's face went completely serious and she grabbed your arm gently. “(Y/N, I have never seen a boy more in love with you. You have never seemed happier in your life. You two will make it work I promise. You’re both so in love it makes me sick.” You snorted out a laugh and Ava smirked.

 “Like I said, if he has a brother-” 

“AVA.” You groaned.

 _______________________________________________________________

The boy burst through the door, startling Drew. 

“Yo, what the fuck man?” Drew hissed. 

“She’s leaving. Fuck, fuck, fuck Drew. She’s leaving.” The Boy slammed the door shut, he leaned against it and slid down, hiding his face in his hands. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey little bro, take a breath, what happened?” Drew came over and pushed the boy’s hands away from his face.

“She’s leaving me Drew. For three weeks! She’s going to Ohio for THREE WEEKS. 21 days, almost a month! I won’t see her and when I do she will probably be with that goddamn doctor! What do I do?” The boy cried. 

“That fucking whore, it’s like she knows she’s making you suffer. She’s probably reveling in it. Don’t worry. While she’s gone, we will perfect our craft and get you ready. Then when she comes back you’ll strike.” 

Drew reassured the Boy, pulling him in for a hug.The Boy pulled away, dragging an arm across his tearful eyes. 

“You promise?” 

“I swear it.” Drew growled. 

________________________________________________________________

Present Day

“Garcia what did you find?” Reid asked, pleading that it would be a reliable lead. 

“Something that you won’t really like Reid.” Garcia said seriously, her usually bouncy personality was flat. “Something about your gift irked me, I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but then I remembered; the Curtis case.” 

Spencer’s heart fell into his stomach. The Curtis case had happened a few months after Spencer had started dating you. It had happened right here in Quantico, which terrified Spencer, especially since you fell perfectly under the unsubs victimology; 20-30 year old females with (Y/C/H) and (Y/E/C), successful middle class women who lived alone for one reason or another. You had luckily been out of town for a business trip at the time, working on an office design for a company in Ohio. 

Spencer remembered a phone call he had with you one night during the case. He had called you after finding yet another dead victim, raped and torn to pieces, whore scribbled all over their wall in their blood. It had made him sick, because all he could picture was you in their place.

It was late when he called you, but he had just needed to hear your voice and know you were okay. “Hi baby, are you alright?” Your voice was sleepy, but concerned, you had kept up with the news and had heard about the horrible murders going on while you were gone.

 “Not really, but I just needed to hear your voice. There’s a sick selfish part of me that is so glad that you aren’t here (Y/N). All of these girls look so much like you-” Spencer paused, you could hear the tears in his voice. “I just am so glad you are safe, I don’t think I could focus as well on this case if I knew you could possibly be in danger.”

 “Aw Spencer, I am so sorry baby. You aren’t sick or selfish for wanting me to be safe, everyone focuses on the safety of those they love, it’s only human. I know you are going to catch this guy, you are the most brilliant man and agent I have ever met. Just don’t tell your team I said that, I don’t want a bad reputation before they even meet me.” You teased, trying to lighten his dark mood.

 It had worked slightly as you heard him let out a small laugh followed by a sniffle. “Listen Spence, I can stay here a bit longer if it will help you focus, but when I come home I am taking self-defense classes and such. I want you to have a sane mind knowing that your girlfriend actually can handle herself. I honestly think it will help me keep sane too, after hearing everything about this case.” 

Spencer paused and thought for a second, part of him wanted you as far away as possible, while the other part just wanted you in his arms. “I appreciate you considering me, but I want the ultimate decision to be made by you Princess, I trust your judgement and I don’t want you living your life based on my fear.” 

You breath caught in your throat at the sentiment. “I love you Spencer Reid.” 

“I love you more (Y/N) (Y/L/N).” A true smile beamed across his face, you guys had never said that to one another before and it meant just as much over the phone as it would in person.

Spencer flashed back to the present. “Andrew Curtis is in jail right now with three life sentences, how could this have anything to do with his case?”

 Garcia cringed a bit, “His calling card.” The words hit Spencer like a ton of bricks, how could he have not seen it before?

The gift box, the red bow, the eyes scratched out of the picture, that was exactly what Curtis had sent to his victims before they were attacked by him. Most of the women had thought it was a prank, a way to scare them into submission, they were incredibly wrong.

“So what could it be, a copycat?” Emily asked.

 “That is a possibility, they are using the exact same delivery company Andrew Curtis used, I found this on the security footage.” Garcia pulled up an image of a man wearing a uniform; it was a hideous orange color with the words “Swiftly Delivered” on it, khaki shorts, and white tennis shoes. 

“You think the company would have shut down or at least redesigned their hideous uniform after all the association with Curtis.” Emily mumbled.

“Well, I think in this case it’s lucky they didn’t, that way we could easily find the connection.” JJ said.

 “How could something like that have gotten cleared by security?” Rossi wondered aloud. “You think someone would have possibly recognized it, the case is still pretty fresh.” 

“Well, the box had no threat, no weapons, they must have just scanned it and sent it through. Alyssa was the one who brought it up with the rest of the mail. She said nothing seemed off about it when she brought it up, she just thought it was someone who was sweet on our pretty boy.” Morgan explained.

“Everyone is just so invested in my love life that we miss obvious clues.” Spencer growled frustrated.

“Well, at least we have a lead.” Hotch interrupted. “JJ, Morgan, I need you guys to head over to Swiftly Delivered. Ask them about their past customers and see if they can remember our unsub. Emily, you and Reid head over to (Y/N)’s apartment and see if you can find anything. Rossi and I are going over to talk to Curtis.”

“Hotch, I need to talk to Curtis.” Reid protested. “If he knows anything about (Y/N)-”

“No Reid. You know (Y/N)’s apartment better than anyone. You will notice if anything is wrong.” Hotch explained sternly.

“Hotch-” Reid argued. 

“No. I don’t trust Curtis, he seemed too interested during his original case. If he knows something, I can’t have him getting under your skin. Reid’s head fell in defeat. “But-” Reid’s head shot back up. “If you guys finish before us. Meet us at the prison.” Hotch ordered. 

Hope filled Reid’s eyes.

TAGLIST

@andiebeaword @haylaansmi @parkastoria @possessedjoker @amronsparty @generaltheoristexpert @sierraraeck @coniumalces @tamedbyafox @anotherr-fine-mess @adoregin @rainsong01 @canyonnmoonn  @mggshoe @boxofsparklingmuses @richardpapensmuse @deanlenaz​ @rainsong01 @goldentournesol @annesauriol @itsametaphorbriansblog @secretpickleprofessordean @shameleswhorehourstm @stepsofthefbi​ @iifloweringnightsii

[ayayuh]

a lil rant about money, ed? and my bsf lol

sometimes actually 99% of the time i think about how much better my life would be if i had money, i mean don’t get me wrong i am grateful for how hard my dad worked just for us to be able to afford living but it still makes me really sad how there’s so many things i can’t do because i don’t have money, and another thing is how i HATE asking for money from my dad cause i’m scared that i am a financial burden on him, like sometimes i’d run out of shampoo or deodorant or some other important stuff but i can’t tell him because those are expensive and i’m not worth spending that money on yk? and i know some y’all would say “get a job then” or something but it’s not that easy i can’t just get a job especially where i live since i’m not 18 yet and i’ll also need a car since it’s impossible to walk to work for 1- it’s literally a burning hell the heat is unbearable. 2- no busses i can take to closest work. 3- i’m a girl. gosh so many things i want to buy and do and get but i just can’t, another thing that just makes me sad even though i have no right in feeling that way is how i would go out my way and my budget for my bsf’s birthday gifts and then in reward she would just get me whatever as a “just take it and be grateful” gift even tho she is wayyyyyy more financially stable than i am and her dad works a decent job and her dad literally buys a new apple product every couple weeks for her and her siblings, like one time on her bday i got her three kpop albums and lemme tell you they were EXPENSIVE and then on my birthday she didn’t give me anything and her excuse was that “she was preparing my gift” and then a couple months later she got me the so called well prepared gift and it was a whatever perfume and a fake brand makeup blush pallet when i tell you i was so disappointed, i’m not saying she should buy me expensive gifts i’m just saying that she could at least give some thoughts to her bday gifts for me, and also now she has a bf and i’m so jealous of him cause like she gave him a handmade notebook with like pics of them and quotes and cute stuff and that’s literally all i ever wanted it’s literally as simple as that😕 and the notebook wasn’t handmade by her like she literally paid a good amount of money on that notebook from a shop that makes them and ugh i just idk, and i’ve always been jealous of her weight, she’s so skinny and beautiful and literally has a body of my dreams and i’ve always been the ugly fat friend next to her, plus we stopped talking fir like a year and then when we started talking again i told her that i was talking to this girl i like and i told her i was gay and she just made me feel so awful and wrong and i felt so anxious and scared that day i just wanted to die so i lied to her and told her that she saved me from going to hell and that i’m so grateful that she helped me realize and blah blah blah just so that she wouldn’t out me or something

[1zashreena1]

Diego Requests an Audience -1

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess gets the rich bad boy equivalent of a call the next day from what she thought was a fairy tale of a one night stand.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and 'the code is more like guidelines' outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

Mentions of drugs/alcohol use, no actual smut in this one but references to multiple forms of sexual activity with m/f dynamics, plus size woman+fit man, early stage sugar daddy vibes, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings... I mean, its DIEGO

A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me. If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I'm not a fan of "plot" so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

Constructive criticism is always welcome. I'm an old timer at Fandom but a baby content creator.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE read @chelsfic Princess pieces first, that is the beginning.

https://chelsfic.tumblr.com/post/613340476058304512/princess-for-1zashreena1-diego-jimenez-x

https://chelsfic.tumblr.com/post/618297838815920128/princess-awakes-diego-jim%C3%A9nez-x-reader-ficlet

Last thing before Murder Panther, I promise!

Huge, tremendous, throbbing THANK YOU to @chelsfic​ !  My fanfic creator mommy, I could not and would not have done this without you or your devious reverse psychology  You're gonna have to thwack me super duper hard with a rolled up newspaper to get rid of me because ily.

Massive shoutouts to @symbiont13​ @rosee-sensuelle​ @bunnykjm​ @mandoplease​ @nicke0115​ (y’all know what you did)

You're sitting in your car on your lunch break listening to the same song for the seventh time in a row because that is a thing that you do. When you like something, you like it. The song has pounding bass, if you close your eyes you can almost imagine being in a club. You never did get to do much of that, your twenties were spent working two jobs and sleeping in your car sometimes, so your just passed birthday weekend escapade was really something else. You've never done anything like that before and it was-

Ding-DING

Your phone chirps with a text message from an unknown number. You peer at the screen with a furrowed brow, I don't know anyone in California, must be a wrong number. You open the message cautiously, who knows what kind of weirdness it might be. 

Good morning Princess

What. No. There is no way. Absolutely not possible. Un uhh. Nope.

You should come back to NYC. I want to have you again.

Holy fucking shit. Its really him. It's Diego. Its Diego of the big brown eyes, even bigger hands, and absolutely the biggest cock you have ever seen. Diego viciously-gorgeous stupefyingly-rich incredibly-dangerous exhaustingly-insatiable Jimenez. 

Whom you most definitely did not Google upon your return home only to discover that he is an international criminal. Yeah, he's criminally hot.

You really do wish that little voice in the back of your mind was helpful. 

Yes, but he was nice to you. Really not helpful. How many times did you even come that night? There was the bed, the floor, over the back of the sofa, the kitchen counter (which he referred to as 'snack time' because he ate, and wasn't that adorable), and then that kiss/invasion of your oral cavity before you left. After he made you breakfast. And gave you a pair of Ugg boots that were magically in your size because it was cold out. Okay, so he was REALLY nice.

Wait. I didn't give him my number, what the fuck.

Hi Diego

And you hit send before you can stop yourself. What in the actual fuck am I doing?

I knew you remembered me. 😉Come up here this weekend. I want you

He wants you. He said it himself. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. Like, want-want? He saw you naked in broad daylight so he definitely knows what you look like. I want you, your mind just keeps repeating it. Hold up, is an international drug lord, cartel boss, top ten FBI most wanted man texting you with emojis???

I hadn't really budgeted on another trip so soon

Is that too much? Are you revealing your pathetic poor-ness and he definitely will not be into that?

Please🤚 Do you want to come?

Oh lordy, but he knows exactly how to word things. 

… I mean, yeah. Preferably repeatedly

Okay, yes, you've always been a pervert but something about this man only encourages you. Surely it wasn't how he laughed every time you made an innuendo. 

Then I've got you 💵😙 Princess👑

Do you want a hotel or stay with me?

Harrisburg is your nearest airport, yes?

Never before in your life have you had cause to use the word 'Baller' but here you are. Is he seriously going to fly me to him? Am I seriously going to go? What level of booty call is this?

Penthouse. Spoil me 😏

And yes Harrisburg. What are you going to do, fly me up there?? Lol

At this point you might as well see how far you can milk this. Also, apparently he knows where you live?

...yes. I have a private jet. I'll text you the info. We're going to have fun little girl😈

Well damn. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You send the entire conversation to Lisa in three screenshots. She calls you at 4:37 while she knows you're still in the car and you spend the entire drive home screaming together as best friends do. 

"I can't believe him! A private jet? Oh my god girl, you better bring home some stacks!"

"I know! Like, what the fuuuuuuuuuck! Lisa, Lisa, oh my god, Lis, what the hell should I pack?! Oh no, oh shit, I don't have any sexy pajamas!" Your high is coming crashing down. Its Tuesday, so you have two whole days to figure this out.

Her laughter is so loud it makes your speakers crackle. "After what you told me from that first night it sounds like you better pack a case of lube and an ice pack!" She dissolves into hysterics.

Well, she's not wrong. "Dude! I was so sore, I couldn't walk for days. This shit is BYOIP: Bring Your Own Ice Pack!" Lisa shrieks while you howl with laughter. 

"Okay, okay. Meet me at Macaroni Grill and we'll formulate a strategic plan of attack over carbs. We have to go to the Frederick's of Hollywood outlet." Lisa is already crafting a plan. 

"See, this is why you're my BFF!" You proclaim before you whip across three lanes of traffic to change course. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You take way more clothing than you could possibly need for a weekend but better safe than sorry. The private jet looks like it came straight out of a music video, you're afraid to even think about how much this costs. Hell, he even paid to have your car valet parked in the only locked and guarded parking garage at this tiny regional airport. There are all kinds of snacks and drinks on the plane, there's even a tiny galley and what looks like a daybed. Noted for later.

The driver who picks you up at the airstrip in New York is Bastian and he is pleasantly surprised that you talk to him. You're pleasantly surprised at how nice Escalades are on the inside. The last time you were in this vehicle you were a little, ahem, distracted.

Diego is extraordinarily pleased to see you wearing the Ugg boots he gave you. The man is all growly innuendo and (mostly) gentlemanly manners, the contrasts are mind-meltingly hot. The weekend passes in a blur of a good time; orgasms, a stroll through some really expensive stores, more orgasms, two clubs on Saturday night, another set of orgasms (Did I really let him finger me in a VIP booth??), your first time trying weed, a sleepy orgasm in a jacuzzi tub (Wet Diego, so gorgeous), the best brunch of your life, another first by having orgasms while on top of a man, and, just before you leave on Sunday evening, a very nice Brahmin purse that you gawked at in one of the stores on Saturday. 

Yet again, Diego corners you by the elevator and attempts to climb down your throat before you're allowed to leave. You have no complaints.

~~~~~~~~~~

The very next Monday you get an extremely sweet text very early in the morning thanking you for coming (all puns intended). Wednesday brings a cookie bouquet to your front door with a note stating that you don't seem like a flowers kind of girl. Incredibly early on Saturday morning is another text, he sounds like he might be a little drunk, confessing that he wants to do it again. 

You forward the message to Lisa with your own addition:

Look, all I'm saying is I'm gonna take this top shelf dick and all the gifts that come with it for as long as he wants to give it to me

It only progresses from there.

[botwstoriesandsuch]

Do you have any Riju headcanons? Both romantic and general

I honestly don’t have a lot of romantic head canons for Riju, but recently I was doing what I always do, analyzing the crap out of the world. So why not have some

Patricia the Prophet, Riju’s Sand Seal Obsession, and the Most Honorable Job in Gerudo Town

...Headcanons

Warning: Long post, way too much research, and I won’t shut up about business practices, animal fur, and textiles. TL;DR at the end

She is beauty

She is grace

She got a battle scar on her face

Patricia the sand seal, one of the most important members of Gerudo Town, providing guidance as a wise and experienced walrus, moral support in the form of her cute red bow and companionship with Riju, as well as assisting in the plush sand seal business ventures, which we will get into later. 

Canonically, Patricia was a gift from Riju’s mother, it would be her first and last gift to her before she died. I see this as the reason why Riju is so obsessed with sand seals, not only because she is a child and loves cute animals, but because it is one of her only links to her mother. 

More under the cut:

We can see how clearly Riju loves not just Patricia, but sand seals in general just by looking around town. 

Here is her seat at Patricia’s pen (which we will come back to later) 

Her room 

The booster seat on her throne, along with pillows have sand seals

Her skirt even has a sand seal

Now wait a moment...I think I’ve also seen that logo elsewhere...

Sand seal rental booths, a business that thrives on using domesticated sand seals in order to help people travel swiftly across the desert. 

While the existence of sand seal racing might factor into it, it’s still a bit weird that this rental business is able to survive so well even in a time where travel was dangerous and most people just stayed within their city states. Although, I guess is could also be argued that it is a necessity considering Gerudo women must eventually venture out and find husbands, but that’s still a generational, niche market. And consider that there are really only three places that a Gerudo might need to travel to in the desert, the gate way out of the desert, the outpost, and the ice house, with those last two only being accessible by royal guards. 

So how is a business being funded so well as to have gold plated signs, and enough space to take up large portions of town? I’ll tell you how, it’s because it’s also being financially assisted by Riju

Hear me out, let’s first look at a map of all of Gerudo Town

The red indicates areas accessible to the immediate public, and the gold being areas accessed only by royal guards/the Chief. The blue is areas associated with sand seals. So not only do sand seals take up a third of the general public market, but they also take of a third of the space within the palace, essentially making up over a third of the space within all of Gerudo Town.

Even leaving out Patricia’s personal pen, businesses can’t just go around taking up that much space without profits to back it up, there’s a ratio that businesses have to account for like “profit for square foot” and even general foot/customer traffic costs massive rent. Buying these areas, much less maintaining them, is gonna cost a pretty rupee. 

There’s no way these businesses are surviving all on their own. So that’s why I believe Riju has some influence with these businesses. Now, other than her great love for sand seals, you might ask, “why would she?” I mean sure, everyone loves sand seals, but is she really giving away budget just to fund her hobbies?”

And to that I say, maybe, bUT there is actually a logical conclusion as to why she would do this, as it might not necessarily just be her giving away money, but investing it towards another goal. 

Returning to Patricia’s pen, let us observe the gal for a moment. 

[Side note: I just find it interesting that Patricia has so many battle scars, interesting considering it is only Riju who rides her. The scars are mostly healed, so it’s fascinating to think about what kind of battle Riju and Patricia encountered even years before Link woke up! I mean, Riju is still only 13 in the game...so she was even younger whenever some event happened with her and Patricia. That’s actually pretty crazy when you think about it]

Anyhow, not only do we see further evidence of Riju’s love for Patricia in the fact that she has a special, royal harness, along with a ruby on her bow, but we see that sand seals have fur. 

[In fact sand seals are probably more closely related to walruses, rather than seals, given their tusks and hardened flippers, but walruses still don’t have fur to the same extent. Which is why I’ll be comparing sand seals to desert mammals, cause I doubt they will share much else with their more aquatic counterparts.]

Now fur for desert creatures serve several purposes, whether for climate conditions, protection, and even retaining the loss of water for the body. 

At least that’s how it works for another popular, real life, counter part that is also famous for transporting people across the desert, the camel. (Cause they have similar thick fur, along with the same smaller eyes and thick eyelashes, which is similar to the sand seals thick fur on their face) BUT, I’m getting ahead of myself here 

Looking further through Patricia’s pen, you will eventually find this room next to the stairs.

In this room there is a lot to unpack, much to me delight because yay! Analysis!

This room

is the key to it all.

Firstly, given the proximity to Patricia’s outdoor pen, along with the special royal harnesses, I’d say this room is specifically meant to tend to her. The room also serves to hold a variety of labeled fruits, including hydromelons and mighty bananas, most likely to feed sand seals.

Then, there is a bath area, again, most likely to tend to Patricia, which has a brush, which can be assumed to be used to brush her fur. In addition there is a spear by a bedside, which most likely just indicates that the guard outside who translates Patricia is also the one who comes into this room. 

Finally, and most importantly, there is this desk area, with sewing equipment, and felts, someone was in the process of crafting a sand seal plushie. 

A plushie, that is very familiar...

If you take this all in, a picture starts to form. 

Riju, a young Gerudo Chief, with an unrivaled love and passion for sand seals, finding interest in areas like sand seal businesses. With her power, wealth, and authority, she allows for large sections to be set aside for sand seal rentals, as well and helping to financially fund them, going so far as to even wear a logo on her skirt, or perhaps the businesses took on the logo in honor of her. 

With sand seal rentals thriving, Riju also turns her attention to plushies, pillows, and blankets. Already knowledgeable on sand seal fur, she might use her new found access to several domesticated sand seals in order to commission these items. Notice how Riju is the only one in all of Gerudo Town, nay, all of Hyrule that has any of these special sand seal stuffed animals, blankets, and pillows. All of these, made with sand seal shed fur. 

Which, as we previously established, has very similar properties to camel fur/hair! So their shedding rate, consistency, and usage must also be similar which is important because there are already camels being kept for the purposes of their fur in real life.

And before you tell me something like “sand seal fur and/or camel fur wouldn’t make for good textiles” let me side track turn your attention to my research regarding that. 

Time wise, this is a very reasonable rate for which sand seals could shed in order to hash out the several products that Riju owns. 

Sand seal fur is the only logical way the Gerudo could even craft textiles, as unlike real countries like Egypt or India, there is no cotton plant (and also no British imperialism forcing people to go through the laborious task of harvesting cotton) or alternative plant in order to produce anything else of the sort. 

Before you tell me that the Gerudo trade for such materials, first, this is still post-Calamity so it would be impossible to rely soley on imports while Hyrule is still in such an uncertain state and most city states are more isolated. Secondly, Gerudo specialize in exports, with all their fruits, meats, arrows, and such. Travelers typically come to then to trade, not the other way around. 

And on top of that, after pouring through several articles online on stuffed animal manufacturing for a few hours, I came across this Guide to Textiles which included several sections on felts, inner lining, stitches, and stuffing

And amoung the pages, I found sEVERAL mentions of camel fur and hair, proving that it if camels can, then sand seal fur can be used for the purposes of stuffed animals 

So yeah, sand seal fur is collected in order to make sand seal items. Patricia in particular, given special care, perhaps because we already know she is unique to the other seals so her fur might be more exceptional. We all know the secret ingredient to anything is love. So Patricia even has a special handeler who takes care of her, translates, and uses her fur to custom make sand seal plushies all in that same, preciously mentioned room

(Who might I add, is one of the only people capable of translating the sand seal language, has the honor of living alongside the Chief’s treasured pet who is one of the only links to her mother, as WELL as helping to take Patricia’s fur to craft custom made sand seal plushies for Riju herself? Perhaps only rivaled by Bularia, this guard has one of the most important jobs in the palace and probably gets paid accordingly since Riju values her so much.)

TL;DR, Riju has cornered the sand seal fur market with her power and money, helping the rental business to keep afloat, in order to get access to custom made sand seal fur items, all derived of a love from sand seals that she got from her mother. 

In conclusion, Nintendo, I would like my pay check now. 

[hanhughsegbarzmarn]

Nolan Patrick - Christmas

A/N: HI! So idk what made me write this and I kind of just couldn’t not write it the more it thought about it. It’s my first imagine though so please be nice - also if you have any comments about it - Let me know cause I think I’ll write more of these (: thanks! - h (*also sorry about the cheesy ending - it’s Christmas and im feeling super cheesy)

Summary: Who ever decided that Christmas is “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” was obviously is out to spite you. Wonderful, my ass. Between the constant pressure of finding everyone the right gifts on a tight budget and not knowing which family member you’re going to see next it is safe to say that the only thing you’re looking forward to on Christmas is crawling into your bed after wining and dining with family you haven’t seen all year and probably wont see for another 364 days. I guess it’s a good thing you have Nolan by your side.

Christmas is supposed to be about spending time with family and friends - but when your family gets you so wound up you can barely think straight, all you can be thankful for is the rest of the year when you don’t have to put up a happy facade and tell everyone about your plans for the future or why there isn’t a special someone in your life. So when your friend Nolan, who you’d recently met as the newest tennant in your housing complex tells you he’s going to be alone over Christmas Break you decided that it would be a great idea to invite him to your families Christmas Party.

A buffer would be great, you thought. Nolan would be exceptionally helpful at keeping your father and uncles away from you as they could talk sports until they were blue in the face. Now it was just your mom and aunts that you needed to be wary of.

“You know Nols, you don’t have to come if you don’t want to. If you want you can just drop me off I can always Uber back to the house.” As you were riding to your parents home, you couldn’t help but feel overly anxious - maybe it was better if you didn’t subject Nolan to the craziness that is your family. After all, once he has to deal with them, you probably won’t be seeing him anymore.

“It’ll be fine, Y/N. Besides regardless of how this goes, it’ll be a lot better than staying home alone watching the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story.” He chuckled at your nervousness and grabbed your hand from your lap before rubbing small circles on the back of it.

“I’m just saying my family can be a little . . . Much at times. I just want to apologize in advance - I’ve never really brought anyone around them before, so I really don’t know how this is going to go. I mean its not that your my boyfriend or anything and need to be worried I just really don’t know how this is gonna look. I mean my mom -“ You started to ramble but were cut off when Nolan gave your hand a tight squeeze.

“Y/N, It‘ll be fine - Now we’re on the right street. . . But what house is it?”

“1220 - it’s a few houses down on the left.” You could feel your leg shaking - dealing with your family alone was stressful, and while you thought that having Nolan would make it less of an issue, you’re starting to wonder whether or not this was a good idea.

As soon as Nolan pulled into the driveway you hurried to get out of the car and met him at the trunk to grab the box of gifts you have for your family. Nolan carries the bottle of whiskey and the flowers he grabbed for your mom at the supermarket close to your place, before placing his hand on the small of your back to lead you to the door.

After a quick knock you opened the door only to be met with the shocked faces of your family. Your dad was the first to speak up “Y/N, we knew you were on your way but who is this? We didn’t know you had anyone else coming”

“Hi Everyone, this is my friend Nolan. He wasn’t able to spend Christmas with his family this year so I brought him with me, I hope that’s okay”

“Of course it is hun, I mean a little warning would be nice but I can add another setting to the table quickly. Thanks for coming Nolan.” Your mother quickly hurried to the dining room to make a space for your plus one. You couldn’t help but feel confused as you put your presents in everyone’s designated piles - your parents were being awfully nice . . . which was so unlike them.

“So Nolan, is your team going to continue to shit the bed this season? Or should I pick a more reliable team for my fantasy hockey league?” You’re chest clenched - this wouldn’t end well - you knew your dad liked sports but didn’t think he paid that much attention to hockey

“With all due respect sir, we definitley are trying our hardest. We haven’t had the best start to the season but that’s not for lack of trying. “ You could tell that Nolan was trying to be nice, but was still getting frustrated.

You could hear your dad huff from behind you, “ but the capitals . . . “ if this conversation were to continue, you had a feeling you would be leaving with one angry Flyer.

You went to ask about the food, hoping that by stuffing their mouths, it would prevent Nolan and your Dad from getting into it over hockey “Mom, is dinner ready?”

“Is that all you think about food? Y/N its not like you need much more” You began to shake your head knowing your mothers had issues with your weight since you were a child. “Go get everyone while I grab the food out of the oven, then we can say grace at the table.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a long and trying to avoid as many questions as you could from your parents about any potential relationship between you and Nolan, you all sat around the tree getting ready to exchange some presents and enjoy a nice hallmark Christmas movie together. Your mother brought out a tray of cookies and hot chocolate for everyone to share. Reaching for one of the larger sugar cookies you couldn’t help but stop yourself when you felt your mother’s hand on your wrist.

After giving her an odd look you felt her lean over the side of the loveseat you and Nolan were sharing before she whispered in your ear. “Y/N, you already had so much at dinner maybe a cookie isn’t the best idea right now. Wouldn’t want to have to exchange the clothing I got you for a bigger size. I got a gift receipt for a reason, but that wasn’t it”

You shook your head and leaned back against the couch. Now there was the family you knew and loved. You could tell that Nolan knew something was up when he offered you a portion of his chocolate chip cookie and you politely declined. It was time for presents and your family has a tradition of pulling names out of a hat to see who gets to open up their gifts one at a time, and you couldn’t wait for the exchange to be over so you and Nolan could head home before you each went your separate ways.

Of course, this year your luck really had run out and you ended up being the last one to open your gifts. While you all usually only exchanged one or two things you never knew what your family would find and think of you, so mix the anticipation with your large want to leave and you couldn’t help yourself from bouncing your knee and tapping your fingers.

Your pile was small, not that you expected or needed much. So when you pulled out a few new workout outfits only to find a gym membership at the bottom, you couldn’t help but sigh. After muttering a quick and silent thanks to your parents, you began to get up from where you sat, frustrated that the only thing your parents could find for you was workout clothes. Your apartment complex had a gym included that you didn’t even need to pay for, but obviously your parents thought you needed to do more. Before you could leave the room, your mom was quick to grab one final gift from under the tree and handed it to you with a laugh.

“Here Y/N, we thought that this was an appropriate gift for you. Something you’ll never be able to find for yourself.” Scrunching your nose in confusion, you once again sat beside Nolan and started to unwrap the small box. Everyone started laughing at your reaction, and it was clear that your mom had made it known that she was proud of the Grow a Boyfriend toy she had found.

Pushing the toy back into the box you grabbed onto Nolan’s wrist. “Well thank you for the presents but I think it’s time Nolan and I headed back to our complex, we wouldn’t want to travel in this weather after all.” Everyone seemed confused as you looked outside where the lightest dusting of snow remained - Nonetheless, your family bid you goodnight and you and Nolan both started your drive home silently.

“I’m really sorry you had to sit through that. . . I was kind of hoping for a miracle to happen and for my family to not be dicks this time.”

Nolan grabbed your hand again and sighed. “It wasn’t that bad, I can tell that they stress you out though. You don’t deserve the way they treat you. While it isn’t necessarily as bad as physical abuse, I can still tell they find ways to put you down and that isn’t okay.”

You could feel tears in your eyes. No one else had been around long enough to notice the snide remarks your family made about you or how what they thought was funny would actually hurt your feelings.

“I really don’t want to end Christmas on a bad note, so instead of going straight back to our respecitve places . . . how about we go do something fun instead?” You looked at Nolan with a look of confusion - you hadn’t expected him to want to spend anymore time with you after having to deal with your family.

After giving him a positive answer, you started to get worried once you drove past your apartment complex. It wasn’t until you reached the next red light that he hurriedly pulled a beanie out of the arm rest between you. “Hold this over your eyes, I want this to be a surprise.

It wasn’t much longer until you felt the car stop. “Nolan where are we?”

He chuckled under his breath, “You’ll find out in a minute. Now I’m just going to sit you here,” you felt yourself being lowered into a seat. “And I’ll be right back - don’t move and don’t peek, okay?”

You nodded your head yes and waited for him to come back to you. You heard a big click almost as if it was a set of overhead lights being turned on, and almost jumped out of your seat when you felt an arm on your shoulder.

“Yo, chill out, it’s just me, Y/N. Go ahead and take the hat off so you can see again”

You couldn’t help but laugh when you realized that his version of a surprise was taking you to an ice rink.

“I should’ve known Nolan - what are we doing here?”

“We’re gonna skate, duh. And before you say anything about not having skates, I already grabbed you one of the extra pairs they have here. First though, I got you a Christmas Present and after seeing what your family got you, I figured it was best to wait.”

Out of his pocket Nolan pulled out a small ring box. “Nols you didn’t have to get me anything. I mean I don’t have anything for you.” You started to get antsy but he was quick to shush you.

In the box was the cutest silver ring with your initials on it. You were in shock at the sight of it. “Now I know its not anything fancy but TK got one for his mom and I couldn’t help but think it would be nice for you . . .”

“Nolan, I love it. Thank you” You couldn’t help but tear up at the thought of him getting you something so dainty and personalized.

“Those better not be tears, Y/N. After all we haven’t even made it onto the ice yet.”

As you both put your skates on, you couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest girl in the world. For the longest time, Nolan was just a neighbor - the cute guy at the end of the hall. But now it felt like there was so much more which made you think that maybe Christmas isn’t so bad afterall.

[sea-salted-wolverine]

Okay so last week was a shitkicker and was literally so bad I spent the better part of the week trying to delude myself into thinking it was a good day. Like, we're talking, "the sun is shining and I'm here to see it so today is a good day" and "I'm having a bad day- fuck me I am not haveing a bad day- I'm having a good day- I'm not having a bad day". Denial is a powerful tool for mental health, apply judiciously. I get that everyone on earth is kinda having a shitty year but it feels like things just kinda escalated in my little corner

The 7th had a huge snow storm that brought traffic to a stand still. No one could leave the house and university class was online anyway. Batshit customer demanded to pick up her gear anyway. I drove in because I was the only person with keys to the shop that could get to the building. It took me a solid 2 hours going 15mph on the highway. The snow in the parking lot was up past the fenders of my truck. Crazy lady gets 10 out of 18 of her survival suits back but the other 8 still have holes in them because our only repair tech is also the only one who answers the phone or runs the computer or handles customers or cleans or disinfects anything or stores gear. I'll give you one guess who that person is.

Did you guess me? Good for you. Fun fact this was not the case in October.

Crazy lady swans off through the snowed in parking lot and because she cant find the exit, blasts straight through the ditch and onto the road.

I say fuck it and leave. I've been at work for 2 hours. I have made 24 dollars for my trouble. It takes me another hour to get home.

The 8th is Saturday and I'm supposed to be at work. No one can drive. There was another 10 8nches of snow last night. I say fuck work and go to dig out the plow truck. The canopy over the plow truck collapses as I walk out to clear the snow of it.

I do not scream.

My partner and I get the truck running and go plow people out of their driveways and then go do the shop.

We come back home and the heater doesn't work. We just spent most of last week frantically trying to limp the thing along because no heat at -20°F is in a word fucking unpleasant. At least now its 40 degrees warmer because if the snowstorm. We take it apart again. The house smells like diesel. The house smells like exhaust. The house is not cold because the wood stove can keep up at 20 above zero but it won't keep us through the winter.

There is no saving the oil heater. We need a new one.

Its 730 and neither of us have eaten. I start rice in the pressure cooker so I can throw a tasty bite on top and call it dinner and that dies too. Explosively.

Dinner is half cooked rice and microwaved curry.

Sunday is spent finding a way to stretch our increasingly thin budget to buy a new heater. Between us we actually have 2275$ and we will still cover the mortgage. Somehow. All our Christmas gifts will be hand made this year. The next thing that breaks will stay broken.

Monday, power outages due to snow storm. No wifi, no zoom meetings. Another 8 inches of snow. This is now more snow than my city gets for the full year.

My boss calls sobbing. The dog died. Joey, an 11 year old, 130lb mastiff with a tumor the size of a football on his liver has been her constant companion for at least 8 years. The pandemic has confused the bejesus out of him because while he loves the lock down and going out to play every hour or so he doesnt really like the concept of strangers in masks. Hes a guard dog and doesnt understand that men in masks coming into the shop are not here to kill mom they're wearing masks so they don't kill mom.

Mondays the shop is closed anyway and I spend it installing the new heater. It doesn't quite fit in the space the old heater came out of but its warm.

Tuesday, I go to work, everyone cancels class, I once again gently explain to a regular that eugenics is bad. I would like to curse him out. I cant. He drops a grand on scuba gear and leaves, talking about how great his trip to Mexico will be.

I do not scream.

A friend calls to ask how I'm doing. Not great. Yea, her niether. She asks if I want to go out to the backcountry with her over the weekend. I explain that my leg physically does not move and I'm downing copious amounts of advil to remain upright. The doctor sent me in for an MRI but has not yet called back. Plus I'm supposed to go to Valdez for the weekend and actually go diving. That I can do with limited use of my leg.

She says yikes, take it easy, take care of yourself, I love you.

I say, yikes, I'm tired of taking it easy, I wanna play, I love you too.

Hit me up if your plans open up and we can do something gentle on your leg. She says.

God yes. The cold woods away from people sounds like paradise. I dont even care that it will cause me rending physical pain to get there. I need a break.

Its Wednesday. I go to school. I get pulled over. Miraculously I dont get a ticket. I'm white female and conventionaly attractive, maybe not so miraculous. I rolled through a stop sign but I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a ticket.

I get a text in class. One of the instructors who works with the dive shop has tested positive for covid. I haven't seen the man in 2 months. I needed a spare instructor but he was nowhere to be found. But hey, evidently that's a good thing.

I go to work. I vacillate between doing the job a 4 people and having nothing to do.

I go to the grocery store because I misjudged my last monthly grocery run and even though I'm increasing my exposure I'm out of cheese and tea damnit.

The store is packed. Pandemic who?

My partner and I haven't had a date nite in a while and this week has been shitty. I want a nice dinner. I pick up a couple boxes of the carton sushi which isnt terrible and is about as nice as I can justify on the new budget. I grab a gallon of milk and a few other things. I forgot my wallet in the truck and the cashier is chill and sets my stuff aside while I grab it.

I pay and take my stuff home and realize I left one of my bags at the store. No cheese or tea for me.

Thursday. 10am my phone goes off with an emergency alert. The govoner has grown a spine in light of recent elections and is instituting a voluntary lock down. My state has 500 new cases a day. That might not sound like a lot but theres only 300,000 people in Alaska and we've got poor medical infrastructure.

Unfortunately Alaska is full of Alaskans and nobody can tell us what to do. Nothing changes. 7pm rolls around and I'm teaching scuba classes in the pool.

I load a few hundred pounds of scuba gear into the back of my truck. In a wet wetsuit. In the snow. In a fabric facemask. 6 feet apart. In the pool.

I dont get paid for pool time.

Over the summer we had 6 dive masters including me, all big burly dudes, much better suited to picking things up. Its November and I'm the only one.

The kids I'm teaching are going to Hawaii. They're 10 and 13 and so wildly excited about breathing underwater its beautiful to watch. And they're traveling to an island. In a pandemic.

Friday.

Unload scuba gear so it doesnt get stolen out of the back of my truck while I'm at class. Were doing a make up lab today. Hey of the five student in my class only one of us has covid so theres that.

My boss calls an let's me know that shes left for Valdez without me. If I'd like to make an 8 hour drive by myself in a snowstorm I'm welcome to follow.

I'm in class till an hour before shop closing. I'm not driving across town so I can run on the open sign for half an hour.

The shop stays closed on Friday.

Saturday.

I explained to everyone we had business with that the shop would be closed over the weekend and Friday. I planned on being in Valdez. Hell I canceled plans to be in Valdez.

I open the shop and immediately field calls about why we werent open. I start to explain about the Valdez trip and logistical difficulties and then I realize that shes not mad about that. The woman was here before I opened early this morning. We have never been open that early. The hours are on the door.

A regular comes in. Hes also confused as to why I'm here.

Sunday finds me curled up in bed, reluctant to leave. Getting out of bed has not played out well for me recently.

A friend comes over to chat with my partner about specialist rifle parts. This isnt that wierd, he works at a gun shop and they've been discussing upgrading my partners current rifle set up.

He is wearing a full Scottish kilt. Red tartan. Looks very lovely.

I make zucchini bread and my proportions are a little off because I have too much zucchini so it's a little over moist but it's good. I'm recovering from an asskicker of a week and next week will be better.

Monday morning:

Baby brother has covid

Dads getting the results of his rapid test tonight.

Mom isnt getting tested because she says she doesnt have symptoms but that's not the fucking point mom.

So, I'm not going home for thanksgiving. I'm not diving in Valdez. I'm not skiing backcountry.

I'm not sick. I'm not flat broke yet. I dont have a ticket. I have a job. I have people who care about me. Im managing my physical and mental health as best I can. Im just fucking exhausted.

[migleefulmoments]

"Hahaha. A friend pointed this out. W online shops too!" What does this even mean?! I don't know anyone in 2020 who doesn't online shop besides my 80 year old grandparents because they refuse to learn how to use a computer 😂 I don't get how Will, a 30 something year old man, online shopping is worthy enough for Abby to comment on it. I'm sure Chris does it too. And Darren.

On Nov 5, Darren wrote this post and the cc fandom lost their shit.    

They decided that organizing 10 costumes for multiple events in two different states for two different people was not worthy of acknowledgment- especially since they wore several purchased costumes. They spent the next 30-ish days mocking her “online shopping skills” like the petty idiots they are and now they bring it up two months later. 

Anonymous asked: this is funny, C posted a photo of beard, D posted photos with the beard. Almost like they were sitting next to each other and saying “ok ok I will say this”

ajw720 answered: The only difference, C controls his SM and the bearding, D does not, but they knew the Halloween post was coming when C posted his belated b-day wishes (not that he acknowledged they were late).  

It really is, if you can remove the very human, tragic element, like a script for a really bad D Movie.  C posts “Happy Birthday, Babe!” a day after the man’s actual b-day and “D” praises his fake bride for MAKING TEN costumes.  Sure praise her if she actually designed them and sat with her sewing machine.  No, she went online and ordered things (I doubt she even went to a store).   And 3 couple costumes were cheap frankly.  The only thought was how narcissistic she could be in their execution (as @flowersintheattic254pointed out even the Mario costume had  a reason, it was a reminder of Japan and the fake encagement by referring to the ad that paid for their trip there).

And seriously how are people not questioning that she spent the entirety of her month picking TEN costumes?  Who has time for this?  I know, i know, a person whose only role in life is to play fake plus one.

I am just so tired by D in particular being utterly dragged down by the useless dead weight by his side and his team’s sole ambition to promote her and make her sound like a decent person.  

If they wanted to praise her, maybe they should have forced her to participate in the zero waste initiative instead of sitting drinking by the pool or have her volunteer to help young girls who have been kicked out of their homes, or have been raped.  Or pick any cause and truly volunteer her time to promote it.  If she is not going to actually get a job and pursue a career, please force her to do something that is actually of value and contribute something good to the world. But to praise her for picking TEN costumes?  

Praise that comes from a man who this year alone won three awards, is starring in a show he created and wrote the music for, has his first big movie premiere this week, is exec producer and star of a huge show on N/etflix, just announced his starring role with 2 A++ lists actors next spring on Broadway, celebrated the 5th anniversary of the festival he created, volunteered his time for the zero waste initiative, performed at several charity events, and was just yesterday name limited series actor of the decade.  Where is the praise for him from his “bride”?  He at least deserves it.

How do they not see how ridiculous it is for someone with D’s accomplishments in 2019 alone praise a person for purchasing TEN costumes for Halloween?  And stans, how do you accept that this is right or normal.  You really know nothing about him and have such little respect for him as a person if you continue to accept the character his idiotic team has created on his behalf.  It is so far from the person he is and that he generally holds himself out to be when given the opportunity.  

This isn’t about being a “gay fetishist” or “hating woman” this is about wanting for D to be fairly and accurately represented and no longer forced to participate in this stupid, life sucking game to promote a person that contributes absolutely nothing to the world.  If you want to have a strong female role model, there are so many, i’ve talked about a few in the past few days (thus far Nancy, Lea, and Phoebe) and will continue to do so, but please stop worshiping a person whose sole reason you are speaking about her is her connection to D, even if you refuse to accept it is fake.  

klainecentric Finished reading the funniest ig story of the day, the qween being praised for sitting in front of either a sewing machine or computer...bravo your majesty qween....your my hero well done.👏👏. And all I can think of is how irrelevant the statement D made about being an emotional horder, being a very private person and finally D saying he's lazy when it comes to social media, I'm internally screaming in frustration because yeah we know D wouldn't have written a post praising that lazy good for nothing waste of space but he's coming across as a lier and it's extremely damaging to his character as a person. I absolutely hate lying and every time another "private" moment is posted to the world is another small piece that's chipped away from what D has originally stated about privacy. PBB, nobody cares about your cheap arse highly flammable costumes you buy online, did you forget about your piano baby adult strip club. I'm sure there are still plenty of people out there you can hire to rub and flaunt their flanges all over the beer taps, why don't you keep busy on that instead. If you want to make costumes, I'm sure you can sew some mighty fine titty tassels together. It'll be cheap nasty, sound familiar.

souly So, let me get this straight. We should all praise a person for going online, looking up different costumes in online stores, putting those in their shopping basket and hitting “buy”? Because I do that at least once a week with other stuff. Do I get praised for that now? Pretty please? I’m doing good work there and buy a lot of stuff, therefore I must be the best person ever!

notes-from-nowhere You’re my Queen. Please, love me.

souly

(I think I got it right. I’m getting the hang of what said person is doing. Wheee! ;))

notes-from-nowhere You nailed it 🤣

ajw720 Yesterday I got a delivery of car food. And instead of his usual seafood mix up greats, I got him shrimp flavor. I’m awesome!!!!!

souly Oh, hey! I think we should all take pictures of whatever we bought online during the week or month and make individual posts on all of our social media accounts about it. Because, you know…

cassie1022 I picked up stuff I ordered online at Target and PetSmart. Does that count? Should I receive accolades because my cat will have fresh litter to do her business on?

souly Only if you post the pictures to prove it! ;)

ajw720 As soon as I get home. Pictures forthcoming. Shrimp cat treats and I also got a burgundy blanket for my new comforter!!! Life goals!!!!!!!!!!!

souly Okay, so, let’s see… What did I buy online during the past month that can be shared as pictures? Some things are gifts, so I obviously can’t post anything about those yet. But I think these here are safe.

Let’s start with one of my fav new shirts. (Excuse the grainy quality. I had to quickly edit it for privacy reasons. :p And yes, that’s a butterfly mirror.)

The rest are behind the cut to save your dash from drowning in too many pictures. ;)

cheekyface72 You’re my queen from now on…

ajw720 I think emmy/sag/gg/CC winner DC should write a post @soulypraising your awesome, amazing, unparalleled online shopping skills!  You earned that praise.  That cat toy is particularly spectacular.

*********************

Just A Taste of M’s Amazing Online Shopping Skills that are worthy of such Praise

ajw720

Super Mario with inflatable Dragon $54.66 (x)

Princess Peach $78.99 (x)

chrisdarebashfulsmiles. i can’t

flowersintheattic254. When you add the fact that the wedding was sponsored so heavily, and her history of outfits I think it shows Mi@rren is something that’s always been done very much ‘on the cheap’.

From work vacays (honeymoon included), RC ‘glue gun’ looks, thrift shoes and subsidized weddings.

It’s BUDGET BEARDING!!!

leka-1998. It’s not worth more than this, that’s for sure.

notes-from-nowhere  We are so ungrateful. She worked hard to find the gloves.

I bet she had to click on another link to find them. She deserves another accolade.

ajw720 @flowersintheattic254 Budget Bearding!  I LOVE It! (and something tells me D’s SW costume in particular was far cheaper than either of these).

souly That Snow White dress can be found for about $25 in a ton of online shops. I stumbled upon it even before Halloween way too many times. 😂

@notes-from-nowhere The plush question mark block can be found in a couple online stores like this one. She simply glued it onto some gloves - or asked L to do it with that glue gun of hers.

flowersintheattic254 Well funnily enough I think we may have confirmation that 🚽🚽 glued on the puppies so I guess YES to the question mark block too!!!

cassie1022 They can’t even glue things properly. Why am I not surprised?

leka-1998

SW

So, so amazing. Bow to the kween and her not so helpful helper.

************************************

There are lots more...I figured enough of your brain cells died reading the ones I posted.  On Nov 30 she is STiLL bringing it up”

Anonymous asked:

Whenever I see miarren gifset they always use the same quote underneath (the rolling the windows down quote) and at first I rolled my eyes and thought uh not that quote again, and I can't believe it took me this long to realise it's because there is literally no other quote that can be construed as loving. You can hardly put down "she's a big girl" whenever you make a set of gifs with M beaming and D looking like someone murdered the dog he's allergic to.

ajw720: And I love the Emmy quote as it was an absolute reference to his character who was a psychopath. Pretty telling if you ask me. But that reference is over their heads.

And pretty much the only one. Guess saying he’s a ball and chain kind of guy isn’t romantic. They can’t even take pooping exes as he clearly steered the conversation away from her. Lovely lady of many moons? Nah she sounds like a stranger. Saying nothing changes after marriage? Sounds boring. It’s a struggle. But hey she’s an excellent online shopper that he done got hitched to!!!

[night-filled-mountain]

For the Hozier ask thing: No Plan, Be, Talk

- No Plan - Do you believe in a pre-determined purpose in life?

No, but I think it can be helpful–for some people!–to think and act like you have a pre-determined purpose, as long as you’re not too rigid about it. Sometimes the random twists and turns of life just get overwhelming, you know? And you need to weave them into some sort of pattern–“A, B, and C all happened in order to lead me to D,” or “Despite X obstacle, I know I’m meant to accomplish Y.” Humans are pattern-finding creatures–that’s why we like stories so much. I can’t imagine getting through life without periodically making it into a story, whether you actually believe in some divine Plan and Author or not. (This is reminding me once again of that Brian W. Foster lyric I’ve become obsessed with: “And if it wasn’t designed, then I’ll be damned if I ever know why.”)

Though honestly, for me? The opposite is true. I’ve faced, and continue to face, so many mental-health barriers to having the kind of life I’d like to have, and I’ve fought (and continue to fight!) such a harrowing, hard-scrabble fight to make that life happen anyway. It’s a massive struggle, it’s ongoing, it’s every day. It’s exhausting and humiliating and entirely without dignity. So the thing that I like to tell myself about the life I want? Is that I wasn’t meant to have it. Some particularly nasty gods have played a trick on me since birth, crafting a person for whom friends/romance/productive work/artistic fulfillment/Happiness are impossible–and day after day, I’m fighting them, trying to prove them wrong. Clawing and biting at them with everything I have in me. Forcing my way out of their boxes, grasping at what I want, and spitting in their eye for good measure.

I’m sure my preference for this narrative says something about me as a person, but I leave that up to you, anon!

- Be - Have you changed much as a person in the last year? 

…I literally don’t know where to start.

In August 2018, I wasn’t married yet. I lived in a small town in New Jersey with my parents and sister, and was desperately terrified of moving (permanently) anywhere else. I had completed two master’s degrees just a few months before, but I’d never had a full-time job, and I was 250% convinced (for the aforementioned mental-health reasons, and a chronic physical illness to boot!) that I could never, ever have one. Oh, and I’d just gotten back from a visit to my former roommate (which remains the last time I saw her, not counting Skype), and I was suffering constant agony over the intense, passionate, mutually pining, emotionally needy, co-dependent mess that was that relationship.

And now?

I’m married. I live in Boston, in an apartment where I’ve paid 100% of the rent for the past six months (though that will soon be changing!). I have a full-time job that has challenged and transformed me in ways that I could not possibly have imagined six months ago. Like…literally could not have fathomed. Outside the scope of my brainpower. Beyond my wildest dreams.

I’m the head of my department…because I’m the entire department. I do heavy-duty customer service. I interact with dozens of strangers every day–children, teens, and adults–and I usually do it without a whisper of social anxiety. I pick up my desk phone when it rings. I make phone calls when I have to. I send and receive dozens of e-mails a week. I manage a budget! I place orders! I schedule programs! I answer reference questions! I operate and troubleshoot various forms of technology constantly, and teach others how to use them. I reason with, joke with, assist, educate, entertain, chastise, and discipline 20+ rowdy teenagers ON A DAILY BASIS. There have been many days, and once an entire week, when I was literally in charge of my entire workplace and everyone in it. And it was all still functioning when my boss got back.

…And it’s actually really timely that I should write about all this now, because I’m smack-dab in the middle of an extremely daunting work task, one that’s causing my ADD to kick my ass to hell and back. And I’ve spent the past few days wondering just how fucking desperate this place must have been to hire someone who’s been wretchedly sobbing over her utter lack of focus and organizational skills for almost 30 years. So it’s…quite the morale-booster to look at these paragraphs about just how goddamn far I’ve come in a year.

…Also, Ex-Roommate and I have gone no-contact, and most days, I don’t think about her. And if I do, it doesn’t hurt so much.

- Talk - What’s your best friend like? 

I have three (3) best friends, and they are MY WORLD, so get ready for this.

(1.) My husband. We’ll call him Kit, which is, in fact, a name he often goes by. He is a Gemini, which I mention only because he’s a very classic Gemini: bursting with curiosity, interested in everything, with a dizzying array of hobbies and interests that seem to change and shift by the moment. He teaches science, and used to teach history. He loves camping, sea shanties, Lawrence of Arabia, board games, and tabletop RPGs. Being a teacher, he’s had the summer off, and he’s spent it being a house-husband: cleaning our apartment, buying all the groceries, doing my laundry an embarrassing number of times, and cooking me dinner every single night. He loves being useful to people and making people happy. He’s terrific at long-term planning, but has no sense of time, and he’d be late to everything without my intervention. We have separate bedrooms, and mine is obsessively neat, and his is…not. He was once bitten by a squirrel that he was hand-feeding on the Boston Common. A few days later, he received a serious electric shock from a string of Christmas lights, and the bandage he’d placed over the squirrel bite was burned black instead of his hand. This perfect balance of cursed and blessed is, in a way, all you really need to know about Kit.

We love to watch movies and TV shows together and discuss/analyze them obsessively. We love to have looong philosophical discussions and/or debates. We take walks, we get Italian food and/or ice cream far too often, we go on jolly road-trip adventures, and we read out loud to each other. He’s currently reading me Charles Dickens’ Our Mutual Friend, which I have read before (twice) and he has not, because I love it so intensely, and I know that he will too. He’s the best person on earth to discuss virtually anything with, to be honest. He’s my DM in the best D&D campaign I’ve ever been part of. I’ve just made a new D&D character, although I don’t have a campaign for her yet, and Kit cannot stop lavishing praise on her and getting excited about her…even though she’s a hobgoblin, and he spent a significant portion of a recent car ride passionately arguing with me about the viability of hobgoblins as player characters.

He is absolutely extraordinary at admitting when he’s wrong, owning it fully, changing his opinions, pursuing personal growth, and just becoming a better and better person all the time. And I’m so damn honored that I get to be here for it.

(2.) We’ll call my second best friend Unicorn, which is a multilayered inside joke.

I met Unicorn during my freshman year of college. We lived on the same floor. I was the odd woman out among my suitemates because I had crippling social anxiety; he was the odd man out among his because he was gay. Somehow we started watching movies and TV shows together, and it became our Thing; I think our current marathon record is six or seven movies in a row. We’re both from New Jersey, and he still lives there, and there are few places in the world I feel safer than on his giant couch, in front of his giant TV, with snacks and glasses of Limeade close at hand, and his neurotic little dog nosing about. He has a pool, a massive movie collection, and an encyclopedic knowledge of state politics, because he works as a full-time environmental canvasser. His hours are absolutely terrifying, as are the physical and social demands of his job, but he still finds time to run a D&D campaign for his coworkers, and to visit the rest of us in Boston at every possible opportunity.

Unicorn is barely a month older than I am (a fellow Leo, though I think it suits him a hell of a lot better than it suits me), and he understands me in specific ways that the other two members of our little quartet just can’t. We get each other’s humor, we have similar tastes in men, we both love to swim. When the four members of our found family are all together, he is invariably the only person who notices all my little puns and innuendos, and laughs every time.  He listens to me, and asks me questions, in a way that no one else in the world quite seems to do. He made a speech at my wedding that reduced me to a blubbering mess. And, most importantly of all: He started inviting me to our college’s LGBT group when we were juniors (right after Kit and I started dating), which was how I met my third best friend, and how we all became a family.

(3.) I’m going to refer to Best Friend #3 as “Dragon,” because…he loves dragons, and because he was Unicorn’s roommate when I first met him, and it keeps the mythological-creature theme going. …And once again, I don’t know where to start, so I’m going to go dig up an old post I made about Dragon, copy and paste it below, and then figure out how to elaborate on someone who both my husband and I have identified as the best human being we have ever met.

This is a friend who invites the whole gang of us to his apartment for entire long weekends, and cooks for us, repeatedly. Who hosts “fake Christmas” every year, complete with a tree decorated with blue and silver ornaments because he is Jewish, and made all of us hand-stitched, personalized stockings, and fills them with gifts and sweets purchased specially for each of us. Who once baked me a cake just because I was coming to visit him. Who organized and directed my entire move from New Jersey to Boston because his Tetris-like car-packing skills and his utter laidback unshakable calm in the face of any task are absolutely unparalleled. Who is a goddamn wizard at literally everything, from cooking and baking and sewing to Photoshop and graphic design to painting D&D miniatures to putting together elaborate cosplays to theater tech to writing and research to courageous and tireless activism to law (did I mention he’s a lawyer?).

…That was my old paragraph, so let me add a few things. I can’t emphasize enough how much he carries that aura of calm and kindness and competence about him at all times. Never in my life had I had a cooking/baking experience that didn’t stress me out until Dragon let me help him make an entire dinner and various desserts for our friend group, and it was just…so chill. So well-organized and perfectly timed, but without ever feeling like those things took any effort whatsoever. He was so kind and patient with me, demonstrating each task step by step, then being entirely confident in my ability to perform said tasks, and never trying to nitpick at the way I did them or take them over himself. Part of his job involves teaching, and I know he must be fantastic at it, because no one else has ever been such a soothing balm and a stimulant (both at once, somehow!) to my poor, tormented ADD brain. Someday (maybe soonish!), our whole found family is going to live together, and the thought of being around Dragon all the time just makes me weep with joy. And did I mention his sweet, child-like enthusiasm for holiday celebrations and ghost tours and spooky TV shows and musicals and fantasy novels and text RP and all other Best Things? (Ok, he also loves dogs and Marvel movies, and I love neither, but I forgive him for this.)

Oh, he also officiated my wedding. And he also had top surgery today, and I have maybe never been this happy about anything ever, what an auspicious day to finish this post!

[five-wow]

aaand my 9.18 thoughts! there are many of them. this is the episode with danny’s mother in law and it was... a ride.

half naked sweaty man growls at random cars in the dark - is this teen wolf? twilight? so many possibilities

half naked sweaty man just got hit by a truck in a way he probably won’t survive if he’s not actually a werewolf. i don’t recall that ever happening in twilight, gosh.

we get steve and danny arriving at the hilton! this i’ve seen, because it was one of the preview clips, but i do like it a lot. i also like that steve implies that danny has been holding the liver donation over steve’s head constantly for favors, because a) we haven’t actually seen danny do that in recent times as far as i remember? like, at all? but mostly: b) this opens up endless fic opportunities about the many and varied Things Danny Asks Steve To Do to repay him for, and I quote danny here, “the gift of life”. that’s beautifully dramatic. nice choice of words.

and another thing: steve is claiming that this is the last favor he’ll do for danny and then they’ll be even, but come on, steve, honey. we all know who you are. we’ve all seen you agree to run a flipping restaurant with danny. like you’re going to tell him no after this, next time he asks you to do something ridiculous

danny: “your naive optimism is uh, is very cute.” steve: [looks at danny sideways for a moment too long]

danny is trying to tell steve that his mother in law tortured him his entire marriage and steve’s not really getting it, so that’s Not Good, but i’m skipping past that for the moment and hopping straight into “what are you gonna do? just tell me.” / “i’m gonna stand there and look handsome and not say anything.” because that is Good. i rambled about this in the tags of some post, i think, but i love how steve’s response is clearly rehearsed and probably something danny fed him pretty literally (“[don’t just] stand there and look handsome” is an exact phrase danny used earlier this season, even), which is something all kinds of things could be said about in general, but also means that danny indirectly called steve cute AND handsome in the span of maybe a minute of this episode. wherever this ends up, at least it has a good start

this DANGER! DANGER! music when rachel’s mother opens the door both made me laugh with how unexpectedly over the top it was and has me kind of tired of the setup of this plotline already. terrible, horrible mother in law stories? i’m not a huge fan

alright, so i’m ignoring all the prickly passive-agressive behavior from rachel’s mom towards danny for the moment because ugh, and what i like far better anyway is how well steve is keeping to his mission to stand sit there and look handsome and not say anything. he even LOOKS AT DANNY FOR PERMISSION when rachel’s mom asks him a direct question that he can’t answer with stoic, handsome silence.

the first words out of steve’s mouth are, of course, “daniel’s my partner”. when are they not. (though he did remember the “we work together” bit this time, which is rare)

he called danny “daniel” and introduces himself as “steven” which cracks me up for no good reason. i guess he’s trying to be fancy?

i... i... you know, i just don’t really know what to say about the way rachel’s mom (amanda savage, i think? let’s call her amanda) snubs danny every chance she gets and flirts with steve in this extremely, well, almost stereotypical “rich older woman on the prowl” way. idk, i really think meeting rachel’s mom could have been very interesting, but with the way this character was written and behaves, she’s pretty much a caricature. not even in a way that’s clever or funny to me, just in a way that really tires me out because it’s mean and not very interesting and every so slightly misogynistic.

steve: “i can handle myself.” amanda, leering: “i bet you can.” danny: YEP ALRIGHT i’m going to jump in here with an unnecessary defense of steve that sounds like i’m boasting about him.

steve thinks danny needs to relax. oh boy. oh babe. that’s maybe not... quite the right way to handle this situation where your bff is very clearly being put down repeatedly by a woman that he’s been telling you (also repeatedly) that he has a bad history with. on the other hand, you know, i could almost make steve’s reaction here make sense for myself, because amanda reminds me of steve’s own mom in certain ways and steve’s never been good at standing up against doris or seeing her shit for what is really is either, so. gosh. boy has some issues. (but danny still REALLY deserves better support than this, so get over it, steve.)

why the random single word of italian, steve, omg. danny’s “kiss ass” was very deserved.

junior: “the killer’s dna or fingerprints could be on one of these vials.” tani: “ugh, wouldn’t that be oh so helpful? which probably means it’s not gonna happen.” tani, you poetic and nobel land mermaid, you really don’t know how these detective shows work, do you?

i do like this case that the rest of five-0 is working on, by the way! it’s very interesting so far

steve: “i am four glasses of champagne in today.” fdjkfdjk maybe that’s how he’s still so cheerful in amanda’s presence. hey danny, there’s your solution: day drinking.

okay. OKAY. amanda just handed steve and only steve a present for all his hard work because he “came of [his] own volition”, which sure, whatever, obviously she was going to snub danny here too by not getting him anything, but the reason for it is what bugs me. “i realize of course that daniel had to come because of the family obligations and that”, she says, but omg, WHAT family obligations? he divorced your daughter, holy shit. he’s your grandkids’ dad, but that’s a LOT of corners to take before we get to you two being family, let alone having any obligations to each other. which, really, even if he did have those - maybe you, dear amanda, could possibly be convinced to feel obligated to be ever so slightly less completely hostile to this guy who’s doing you a favor. this is. this is very annoying.

this thing where steve asks amanda about where she gets the ideas for her books and amanda says she just had some inspiration for a story about a policeman who risks everything for the love of an older woman? i mean, i knew something like that was coming, because it had to, but i still think it’s pretty damn creepy.

steve: “i would uh, i would read that.” steve, darling, the fuck are you doing.

danny: “yeah, except he can’t actually read unless it’s a cereal box or something like that.” completely untrue (steve is a nerd! steve reads for fun!), but also completely deserved, holy shit. wreck him, danny.

amanda complains about rachel’s wedding day (when she was getting married to danny, obviously, who’s sitting right next to her) and we’re getting some impressive Looks between steve and danny and yes!! that’s better!! that’s more like the understanding danny deserves

danny’s dad paid extra for the fish tank in the wedding day limousine for amanda (which means he went out of his way to get her something nice!) that she’s now ragging on, and her answer is “well daniel, you and i have different ideas of what constitutes class” which is just. god. i hate everything about that. and not even in the way where it’s fun to dislike a character, which it can be if things are done right, but in the way where it just... physically makes my skin crawl. idk if this is still supposed to be funny, but it’s not my idea of humor.

junior: “i’m pretty sure that guy thinks i’m gay.” tani: “weird. just a normal, heterosexual dude chatting up every muscley guy in this gym. what would make anyone think that?” okay, so this isn’t the most original joke ever, but this show is often so extremely straight that i’m just low key very excited about every single time they acknowledge the fact that that’s not entirely the only option. also, i love tani. so much.

TANI HAS TO IMPROVISE A DANCE CLASS. “booty boost 101.” beautiful. THAT’S the content i’m here for, omg.

danny: “you hear that stuff about the wedding?” steve: “yeah, that was a little harsh.” A LITTLE. and then he starts explaining the difference between the english and americans to danny, which, sweetheart, danny was married to an englishwoman for a decade. you’re mansplaining this except, like, to another man, for a change.

danny tells steve that he FLEW TO ENGLAND on a budget to ask amanda for rachel’s hand because rachel’s dad had passed away and amanda told him no. oh, fuck off. steve, you fuck off too, right now, because i love you but you’re being Not Great about this.

steve: “you know what that is, right? that right there, that’s self-pity.” STEVE. NO. BAD STEVE. i get where he’s coming from and maybe danny even needs to hear this on some level, but steve can’t say this shit after he’s already been taking amanda’s side all day.

steve: “cause let me telll you right now, you, my friend, you are more than adequate.” danny: “thank you. thank you.” steve: “you’re welcome.” that’s more like it! it’s a start, anyway, even though it’s probably all we’re going to get.

danny has made reservations at THREE fancy restaurants to give amanda options, but she asks for steve’s opinion and he (of course) takes her to kamekona’s. oh god. but hey, at least danny’s “please make sure that everything is fresh, because if she gets food poisoning we’ll all be killed” made me laugh.

FLIPPA READS ROMANCE NOVELS AND WILL NOT BE ASHAMED OF IT. this is the first actually good thing to come out of this whole romance novel author thing!

steve, to amanda, while danny is out of earshot: “you know i got to tell you something, i’ve known a lot of people in my life, and that man right there? [points to danny, pauses] he’s the best of the best.” this is GOOD, but you should perhaps consider not only taking danny’s side with any kind of conviction when it’s behind his back. he needs to hear this!!!

amanda pretends to be unsure if steve means flippa or danny and steve goes, actually kind of annoyed for the first time all day, “mandy”, and i appreciate that. i appreciate less that amanda immediately tries to change the subject so they’re talking about steve.

danny tries one last time to point out to amanda that she’s being unfair and when she’s still unwilling to admit to anything he calmly STANDS UP and WALKS AWAY. i can’t even put words to how much i’m cheering for him right now because SHIT YES GOOD FUCKING FINALLY. plus, the way he did this? fuck. i’m proud.

amanda’s reaction: “ah.” can we, like... send her into space? permanently?

steve’s face, though, is far more interesting to me.

lou shoots the doctor who was trying to run away in the leg!!!! holy shit, that’s exactly the thing i’m always quietly wondering about, because it would be SUCH a good way to keep someone from running without, you know, killing the suspect on the spot.

this thing with tani almost dying was intense, god.

danny is at the hotel bar and tells the bartender he has a buddy coming to meet him (which is why he buys two beers) soooo that’s very obviously steve. and then amanda turns up. which i knew would happen, because i’ve seen people talk about it, but still. not what we want.

amanda...... “swiped”..... steve’s phone. meaning she lured danny here using steve. great. awesome. just, really, just super. (like. fucking at least be honest about wanting to talk to danny or something, if that’s what you want. he’s been nothing but curteous to you despite your horrific behavior, and still you feel the need to trick him into this? jesus.)

“sorry for all the subterfuge but i had to have a conversation with you and i knew that you’d say no if i asked.” if there’s one thing that’s become pretty clear this episode it’s that she literally doesn’t know danny at all, omg, but i guess that at least this is in character for her by now.

oh my gosh. just. oh my fucking god. amanda tells danny that she kind of identified with him because she grew up with three siblings in a two-bedroom apartment, but she always wanted something more, and she was looking for a good man but never found one, and then she was jealous of rachel when rachel found danny because he is a good man. this is so many levels of fucked up all stacked on top of each other that i don’t even want to try to pry them apart right now.

danny, very drily: “hm.” I LAUGHED SO HARD. this episode is shitty to danny, but at least danny’s reactions are very on point and relatable.

amanda goes on, and of course shit gets worse, because her bodyguard isn’t even out of commission, she just used that as a ploy to “have a talk” with danny. danny kind of laughs like this is the weirdest shit he’s heard all week and goes “yeah?” and honestly, poor guy.

danny: “you didn’t wanna just tell me that when you, when you first saw me? you wonna torture me for the whole day?” you know, one thing i’m glad for is that at least, at the very least, the show lets danny be fully aware that this is Not Okay.

amanda: “do you care about my daughter, daniel?” danny: “yes, i do.” amanda: “well good, then don’t toy with her affections. i know that you two have been seeing each other a lot and i know that she is talking about you all the time so i don’t want to see her hurt again, okay?” listen. this is just. this is just such bizarre retcon shit the writers are trying to pull about the way things between rachel and danny went down that i just. i’m mad, on some level, sure, but mostly i just have to laugh because it’s so ridiculous? danny’s mother in law is an absolute nightmare to him all day, then lies to get him to this hotel bar for a talk, confesses she orchestrated this entire day just to get to this talk (but still wilfully made him miserable for some reason? why???), and tells him that he shouldn’t play with her daughter’s feelings after she’s never been anything but awful to him, has tried to keep her away from her daughter from the very start, and just told him that she apparently did all of that (for years and years!) because she was jealous that rachel had found a Good Man and she hadn’t. i am. completely overwhelmed, honestly. this is too much to take in.

amanda: “i want you to do right by her. will you do right by her?” danny: “yes.” danny looks confused, and that’s how i feel, honestly.

... and. and then he pays for champagne for her. wasn’t she having dinner with rachel and the kids? why is she drinking champagne with danny now? 

okaaaaay. so. this was... an episode. that’s something i can say for sure.

for all of the rest of it, i think i need to give this some time to sink in and mull it over, because there’s A LOT to unpack here. amanda is, uh, a strong character. she doesn’t seem like a person i’d wish on anyone, least of all as a mom. rachel’s deception and her penchant for lying to danny? yeah, i can see where that’s coming from, now. that’s one interesting thing to come from this episode, i suppose - some character background for rachel.

then there’s steve, who took most of this way less seriously than i think he really should have, and when he finally started seeing sense and sticking up for danny near the end of the episode, he just... disappeared. i really wanted steve and danny to at least have some kind of talk after danny walked away from kamekona’s, but that was the last we saw of steve. danny was trying to have a beer with steve, but obviously that turned out to have been amanda’s charming little “ploy”, so he ended up having champagne with amanda instead. which is still. uh. weird. she never apologized for any of the shit she pulled (except for that little “sorry for all the subterfuge” which really doesn’t cover it) and even after she supposedly explained herself, she still turned her nose up at the beer that danny had bought for steve and offered to her until he said she could have something else if she wanted. doesn’t she have her own money? she’s a rich romance author. buy your own fucking champagne, amanda. or better yet, cover danny’s beer - it’s the last you could do.

what i liked a little more was danny’s complete lack of a reaction to most of what amanda said to him at the bar. i mean, he laughs and looks disbelieving and possibly a little wtf-ish, but that’s about it. i’m guessing, as usual when it comes to anything danny&rachel related, that the writers are interpreting this differently from what i want to read into this (or at least they’re using it to push in a direction i really don’t want to go), but that’s the thing about this - it’s pretty open to interpretation, because danny says very little and his faces could mean any of a million things.

also. that talk at the bar? it feels kind of useless in the end. amanda said some stuff but didn’t apologize or promise to change her behavior and in fact she seemed pretty much the same with her whole champagne thing, and danny didn’t really get to say anything at all, so this does pretty much nothing for them. i guess the champagne was meant as a celebration for... a new level of understanding? but is that really something that was happening there? you could read that into it, if you really wanted to, but i’m not seeing it.

anyway. i liked the drugs storyline that the rest of five-0 was working on! that was good. the steve and danny part... i don’t know. it was a lot.

[771lljosephkwesiasemnor]

Modest Money

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Kailey Guillemin 2 months ago Categories: All Recent Investing NewsFinancial Advice

Must-Have Money Habits for 2019

We’re far enough into 2019 that you can say you’re either continuing strong with your new year’s resolutions, or that you haven’t thought about it since January 2. Does that mean you give up and try again in 2020?

Well, if that’s the way you want to take it, you may as well stop now. Although I highly recommend you keep reading and let me change your mind.

Just because you fell off the bandwagon for your new year’s resolutions, that doesn’t mean you can’t restart, or start brand-new. Pretty sure I’ve redone my new year’s resolution about five times a week, so you’re good. You just have to keep trucking along and give it another shot, but actually mean it this time.

Let’s make 2019 all about improving your quality of life and being happy with who you are.

Okay, so you may think this is one of those cheesy articles that tell you to look yourself in the mirror to get yourself pumped up every morning, or to smile at everyone you walk by (although they aren’t terrible ideas, to be honest). Instead, I’m going to talk to you about other habits that you may not have thought to focus on.

Now, it’s true that we need habits that boost our confidence, improve our mental health (now more than ever), and help to ease our stresses throughout the day. However, some of those habits come in different shapes, sizes, and ways we would never have recognized.

Enough of the chit chat and let’s get down to business. I have some habits you may want to consider testing out.

Learn to Manage Your Money

What’s a typical new year’s resolution or habit people want to get into? Making more money, managing their money, saving their money, just MONEY in general!

I don’t blame them. Money is one of the top stressors in life. It can cause tension in relationships, affect your job, and bring down your overall mental health.

How do you get rid of the stress of money? In more than one way, but learning to manage it is a good start.

How many times have you read an article that tells you to budget, watch your spending habits, and to track your income and expenses? Well, it’s because they all have a point. How can you keep tabs on where your money is going if you don’t pay attention to it? And don’t think you can rely on memory alone.

I’m a huge fan of physically seeing where I spend my money and by how much. One way of doing that is by setting up an account with something like Personal Capital. You can safely link all of your accounts into one program that will help you keep track of your financial life.

The point behind it is to give you a snapshot of what you’re doing with your money and to help you save. Retirement, a house, school, or even a pair of shoes you’ve been eyeing up, it doesn’t matter what it’s for. When you know where your money is going, you’ll know where you may need to slow down and adjust your savings plan.

Take Control of Your Finances

It’s one thing to say you’re going to learn how to manage your money, but if you don’t actually take control of your financial life, there’s only so much you can do. So, how can you take control?

Besides using programs like what’s listed above, to help you track everything, you can find ways to bring in more money. Now, don’t think you need some crazy job on top of what you’re already doing. We don’t need to make 2019 the year you burn yourself out (trust me, been there done that).

You can earn and save money quite simply actually. For example, you have Ebates where you’re basically getting paid to shop from the comfort of your home. Have a bunch of gift cards to random places you’ll never use? You can sell them for cash on Raise. Answer a few questions for companies and earn money through surveys like Survey Junkie.

You’re probably thinking that I’m trying to sell you on these things (maybe only a little bit). The point, though, is to show you how easy it is to bring in additional money on the side without stressing yourself out.

Start Investing, Seriously

Are you investing yet? If you answered no, then why aren’t you? Is it too confusing, too difficult to get started, or just not enough interest in it? I wouldn’t say these are great excuses…

Learning to invest has never been easier than right now. For starters, there are tons of blogs out there that are waiting to prove to you that investing can be interesting and a good thing to get into. Also, there is so much help to get your portfolio going that you barely have to do any work.

You have online platforms like Ally Invest that are an excellent tool for beginners to get you going. They give you guidance, information, and help you buy stocks and set up your portfolio. They’re worth taking a look.

Investing is a way to bring in a passive income. If you really enjoy it, you can pursue it even farther and turn it into a part-time job if you wanted to. Just make sure you set yourself some limits and have all the information you need.

Obviously, these three habits revolve around finances. Since money is such a significant stressor in people’s lives, it made sense to focus on habits that will help ease that stress and make finances the least of your concerns.

Now, don’t let money be the only focus in 2019. You still want to enjoy life, work on your mental health, and to be happy with yourself. Your finances, though, are just one of those aspects in life that once you take control over, you may find yourself being able to focus more on other parts.

Let 2019 be the year you take control of your finances and your life. You’ve got this.

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Tags: money advice

Kailey Guillemin :Kailey graduated with a degree in Journalism and Religious Studies from the University of Regina, Saskatchewan. Now she lives a double life in Manitoba – writer by day and dance teacher by night. When she’s not at her computer, you’ll find her curled up with a glass of red wine and knitting, or obsessively taking photos of her puppy.

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[zebraslovescupcakestoo]

My frienemies

Have you ever had two very close friends that you cherished, but you can't see how they both hate each other at the same time? And the only reason they're together is yourself?

Or am I the only guy who has those kinds of friends? That was the case for me.

I have evidence to support my claim and part of it it's in the rough area of the little Asia of Chicago, that part of town where the majorities are immigrants. It was a bit undeveloped due to the fact that at the time, the communists was a bit of an touchy subject in today's politics. It's not bad if you're born here, but to some, it was a challenge.

Everybody was suspicious of any communist countries and anyone who's related, weren't as pleasant nowadays. Lest just leave it at that.

Why am I doing here? Simple, I was here with Sam to show me something.

Why? Cause after I got off from work today, I got a surprise visit from him. He took me out of the station unusually quick today. I asked if we're in a rush, but he said no, just wanted to show me something.

The area was one of the nicer part of the district, with well done buildings and surprisingly good shops here too! I noticed that some people were looking at us like we're new or had curiosities about us.

I mean, even if we look like the 'average people,' we'd still stick out among these people.

We then came across a green colored building that had an import office that is similar to a post office, but it was more from the Eastern regions, purposely for this district if you've had packages from relatives or imports for business deliveries in those countries.

I looked up to Sam, who I was surprised he was in a pretty good mood. He usually had a grumpy expression on his face...

Pot calling the kettle black, I say to myself!

“What are we doing here?” I asked. “Remember that big case we've had three weeks ago?” He started.

“You mean the one where we've arrested and prosecuted that corrupted high powered politician, Charlie Gardenier? And that we've also protected that other guy, Leonard Lionel, who was framed by him due to the fact that he's one of the few who aren't intimidated and just like us who fought for justice?” I remembered it so well cause he's one of the peoples that made me believed that there's still hope in the higher ups!

“Aaaaand guess what I did with the shared case settlement that came with it?” I too remembered that there's people like Sam... Someone that is my one last hope but he will have to do sometimes... I could have worse.

“I'm not going to ask..Hey!” I was then taken towards the entrance underneath Sam's long arms and carried me like a briefcase. “Instead of saying, I'll do it better by showing you.” He then got his signature smug back. I hope that it's not one of those unpleasant surprises like that one time we were doing an  undercover job for 'investigating.' He wanted me to show his new 'disguise' and I was almost impressed he looks like a real Dean Martin... except for the tie! I will spare you the details so you can have a better sleep for he night but let's just say, it's not his signature rainbow tie I'm talking about.

We've entered inside and I noticed that it was a really nice looking place with some Chinese characters and some vases. The receptionist was waving at us and we did so in return. Seems like they knew Sam and didn't mind us at all. Not even if I was carried like a package.

Oh please! I 'enjoy' being awkward with my friends who dragged me in these situations without my consent!

We then reached to the stairs that it was made like a circular but in a cubical manner that had a hole in the middle. Purposely to look down from the top floors. I looked up a bit to see at the very top, I noticed something that resembled to a wooden board. Sam stood at the very middle of it in an attention pose with his freed right arm pointing straight up.

That's when I realized: Oh carp fish!

“Top floor going uuuuuup!” Sam declared as he used one of his secret weapon that was hidden inside his light blue. long sleeve shirts. It was his hook shot arms! I screamed a bit at the cheap thrills I'm having from going up. It was scary but quick. Once we reached at the very top, he swings a bit to get us over the safety bars. He then puts me down on my shaking feet and I said with a tone of voice. “I hate it when you do that! I told you a few times not to do that unless it was necessary!” I didn't want to say never, cause there was a couple of times that it DID saved me from a really rough spots... Sam used it like it was a toy.

“Had to use it sometimes or I'll get rusty.” He then takes out a key from his navy dress pants and he unlocks a door with a vacant plate name in the front. As soon as he opens the door, I see a very spacious room that seems almost brand new. Like those apartments that looks like used but looks brand new. It was like it had refurbished the ceiling, walls, some few windows that were both old and new, a few moving boxes that were stacked with just enough room to hold for a small get together party!

Among the things that were covered in blanket sheets, one wasn't and it was a brand new-ish desk. It was one of those Chinese styled decorations that caught my eyes... I subconsciously walked over to it and gently placed my hands on it. “Jinkies...” I was just as curious as my kids when I see something as lovely as this furniture. I then returned to the present world.“Where are we?”

“Well, I got myself the best thing that has ever happened to me since V-day! THIS is my self birthday gift for me but I just wanna let you know-” He then extended his arms. “Welcome to my new law office! No more self-entitled idiots walking in just cause they felt they don't have enough time to harass me with their stupid sh!t like their new lawn mower with the two tone horn and a place to settle their tourist map in case they've get lost on the lawn.” He was annoyed at work due to his colleagues and his rivals about their 'average life styles.' With our police salaries and budgets, this is no surprise they're being paid well...

Although that one seems a bit exaggerated... But I'll let it be. “Aside from that, what else did you wanted to show me?” I asked. I had a feeling that's he didn't randomly pick me up just for that.

“You can start helping me unpack some of the things I've put in those boxes over there.” He pointed out at the big pile of moving boxes. Did he really moved ALL of the things from his previous location to here and he wanted me to help him unpack ALL of it tonight? “I uh-”

“I've already made an arrangements with Kitty and your kids. The boys will be spending at a friend's place since it's Friday by someone we both know well and Kitty will be taking a break from you three tonight. You don't mind some Chinese cuisine tonight, would ya?” He said that while he was keeping himself busy unpacking his recorded files to his bookshelves. I was surprised yet speechless. He took care of my nephews' well being and gave Kitty a night off? Again? “Don't worry about getting this all done tonight. Do what you can and I can always manage the rest some other time.” He then said with reason. I kinda knew that...

It's not that I don't appreciate his thoughtfulness about me and my situations, but sometimes... I felt like I'm being spoiled or taking advantage of his generosities... I don't want to be like-

I then heard someone stomping from the stairways. Judging from the cussing and the voice that;s coming closer...

“SAM! YOU OVERGROWN, COLOR BLINDED WEED! I KNOW YOU'RE HERE WITH FELIX!” The door was then kicked opened to reveal the tigress, AKA, Sheba Beboporeba. I got scared and Sam just looked at her like he didn't gave a dang.

She was angry and glared at him. “Who gave you the rights to have his time today? He was supposed to have his weekly training with me! How do you expect him to get any better against Bendy if you keep him off like that?” She pointed out.

That when I realized that I've completely forgotten about that. I was supposed to do physical training with someone and I was supposed to be with Sheba... Carp Fish....

I've already said it in the beginning. Sam and Sheba are. Not. On. Good. Terms. With. Each. Other.

“Training? Don't you mean sadistic torturing? I was surprised that your chief of police, whatever his name is again, lets you get away with it.” Sam then continues to place some books on the shelves.

“It's NOT 'sadistic torturing!' It's special training! Felix had that potential to be something greater than he is and you keep holding him back!” She marched over and stand next to him with her arms crossed. She was puffing and pouting.

“Great at what? Being a bait? I saw you at the zoo the other day.” Sam still keeps his cool and didn't look at her again. Yet.

“Yeah, So? There's nothing wrong with that.” Sheba said.

“After I learn that you wanted to borrow some piranhas for you 'special training' at an aquarium last month and got denied, I'd figure you'd go for a land predator. What do you think he is? The next Shaolin master? He's a human! Not some sort of Demi-God that doesn't need sleep and something to eat!” He then placed one more book before he too, turns around and faced Sheba like it was some sort of a stare down in those Wild West movies...

I did somewhat reminded of that one film we all saw last week and I remember it well. It was called 'Calamity Jane' and the characters, Calamity Jane and Wild Bill Hickok, are just like Sam and Sheba at times like these.

Except that they were fighting almost all the time with each other and they show no sings of interests with each other...

And there's that one song in the film that suited a situation like this.

“I know he's human! I just wanted to help him push over his limits so that he cam become better!” Sheba retorted.

“You've done more than enough damage to him as it is. Last time I've let you, he almost had no energy to take his kids to the park where he promised to practice soccer with them. How many times did you done that before I came in the picture, I wondered?” He then puts a hand on her head as she was about to jump on him. Due to his size and her's it looks like he was holding her down with one hand no problem.

[Calamity:]

In the Summer... you're the Winter, In the finger... you're the splinter, In the banquet, you're the stew.

Say! I could do without you!

“Get your giant hands off of me! I do gave him a break at times!” She was hissing and flailing her hands to reach him.

“For how long? Two seconds? He's not as free as you are you know! Unlike you, he's got kids to be taken care of and you're not making thing easier for him if you run him down like that.” Sam retorted.

“You don't know who we're really dealing with. We're dealing with a mafia king and his loyal bodyguard. Both were and currently members of the ruthless Alfonso Mafia. These guys are extremely tough!” She stopped flailing but she keeps on steaming.

“From MY experiences and point of view, we're dealing with a four foot infant that haven't finished his third grade bullying and his trusty over sized doormat. I would be surprised that beef boy would read story time to that little fork before bedtime.” Sam joked, but his face wasn't showing it.

[Wild Bill:] In the garden, you're the gopher, In the Levi's you're the loafer, Like an overturned canoe... Well, I could do without you!

“How would you know THAT? Huh? Your disguising skills? People would notice you from your height anyways!” Sheba pointed out one of his flaws.

Oh no, not this again... “Guys, please! We've promised this befor-”

“Unlike you, at least I can manage my height to be 'unrecognizable.' At least I can hide myself better than you in a dress you keep borrowing from Kitty and your old lady.” Sam beats me and then HE pointed out one of her flaws.

[Calamity:] You can go to... Philadelphia Take a hack to Hackensack.

Hey!! I'll never RING a BELL fer ya! Or yell fer yer to come back!!

“Like it's not my fault I don't like wearing dresses and play house! I could totally do an undercover job with high heels and lipstick anytime!” Sheba said.

“If you used lipstick like the ones you're using now, people would think you're Coco's little sister!” Sam teased her with a smirk.

“Said the pot calling the kettle black! As if your taste in ties are any different! You'd probably gonna get finned for making people go color blind!” Sheba comebacks with his clothing options.

[Wild Bill:] In the question, you're the why In the ointment, you're the FLY!!

“I don't wear clothes to impress people who are not worth sh!t and you're not better than I am with your greasy look!” Sam said.

[Calamity:] Though I know some things are indispensable...

Like a buck or two, If there's one thing I can do without, I can do without you!

“As much as we both 'agreed' on not to be in a cookie cutter shaped world, our methods on seeking out and gathering 'information' for our cause are like day and night. I knew everybody on these streets and I knew who had alibi AND I knew where the roughest and toughest suspects hangs out! It's a much reliable sources compared to your pencil pushing jobs outside of court!” She then seeks out the turquoise colored, love seat couch that was in one side of the room and she flops on it with her arms crossed. Her whole body had taken over the space with her feet on the seating cushions. “Sheba, please get your-” I was cut off again by Sam as he tosses some coats on her upper half, stunning her.

[Wild Bill:] In the barrel, you're a pickle, In the goldmine, you're a nickel ,

You're the tack inside my shoe. Yes!! I can do without you!

“Unlike YOUR methods of the back streets, I can easily check any backgrounds of businessmen, attorneys, politicians, higher socials, and even the judges and juries to see which ones that are really trustworthy and not just from drunk talks from a rough late night bar. I can also check on their financial too if there's a plausible chance that they are in Bendy's payroll. I can even dig up some old bones if Bendy had blackmailed them too. At least I can confirmed that not all of it is simple as black and white.” Sam retorted again.

“Guys! Please stop this already! You're both great with your own talents!” I tried to reason with them.

[Calamity:] In my bosom, you're a dagger

You're a mangy carpet-bagger!

In the theater you're the 'boo'! I can do without you.

She then tosses his oversize jacket off of her and on the ground before she got up. “Ha! Talent is one thing, but manners is another, ain't that right, Felix? I do have PLENTY more than you have in your entire body! Your so called honesty is scaring off almost all of your clients when they visit you! At least WE don't pissed them off at first sight.” She then stomped on his jackets she just threw off and placed her arms around my shoulders to imply.

[Wild Bill:] You got charms, they ain't bewitchin' me!!

You've a face no one would paint!

“Who said you have better manners than I am? At least I don't bullsh!ting people! There's plenty of it as it is without criminals! Besides, you're just as a bad influence to anybody as I am. At least the kids aren't getting dumber whenever they're doing their homework.” Sam then snatched me away from her.

Ah, Tuna fish, not my kids, guys! Don't bring them to this!

[Calamity:] I got the darndest itch in me!!

To be wherever you ain't!

“Are you really gonna talk about them? They were doing just fine before you came along in the picture! You've made them lock the doors and windows in the house and left Alex outside!”

“Exactly! That albino garbage bag belongs in the thrash where he will be pick up the next morning! You'd be doing the same thing once you and Kitty snapped out of it and realized he's not as nice as he seems! He only cared for diamonds and himself!” He then puts me down and then he and Sheba had another stare down.

[Wild Bill:] In the bullfrog, you're the croak.

“If you think you're a better influence than I am, you'd better start thinking about Félix's life. Again, he doesn't have the same freedom and responsibilities as you have! Then again, you've never had those kinds of responsibilities!” Sam pushes the issues.

[Calamity:] In the forest, poison oak!

“Well, excuuuuuuuse me, MISTER Toucan. There are women at my age that doesn't want to be settle down and do house work while the men do whatever they want! I wanted to help him get better at his training, not softer!” Sheba defended her title as the rebel biker girl.

[Wild Bill:] Though I know some things are necessary

My half-pint buckaroo, If there's one thing I can do without, I can do without.....

“I have nothing against women who wanted to live independent, but you've taken his time and energy more than you should! If this was the army, you'd be kicked out for unnecessary and reckless discipline judging from your methods! If you'd start thinking anything that's fire related, I'm locking you up in the slammers during those training times!” Sam then got angrier.

[Calamity:] You're a knot-head!

“I wondered whatever happened in that European war that made you like this! Was it THAT hard to you or you think our fight isn't the same?”

[Wild Bill:] You're a faker!

“Trust me, if you flew in my wings at the time, you'd be learning the hard way of pushing yourself and just plain reckless! That kind of tactics you're giving is gonna bite your butt cheeks off and God knows if you'd still have it on ya!”

[Calamity:] You're a bonehead!

“You think the enemies would give the heroes a chance to finish them off? Those plots only exist in cartoons!”

[Wild Bill:] Troublemaker!

“And those fantasy story heroes you read aren't any different?”

They were then having this intense thousand sun stare down to see who was right. This is just too similar to my kids when they're having a fight. Except they're adults and armed....

[Both:] I can do without you!  “I CAN DO WITHOUT YOU AT LEAST!” they said in union.

I bet while they're growling at each other from their mouths, they can be heard from the streets...

I think I have to be the grown up again, but this time I have a plan to get them along. I then carefully placed myself between them and pushed them apart.

“Guys! Please! Enough of this! We've been through this before! None of you are better than the other and both of you have unique and talented in your professions! You're both my best friends form childhood and companion. None of you are wrong in the case of my training.” I looked at each of them for a second and then said. “If you both cared about me that much, then how about from now on, on training days, us three will be training together. THAT way-” I looked at Sheba. “I'm not gonna get soft and pushing myself to the limit-” I then looked at Sam. “AND I'm not gonna get overly exhausted and do reckless stunts. After that, we can all have our weekly get together at our usual dinner. Kitty and the kids included like always, does that sound good?”

I knew that the only person that ties them together is me and that what really matters to them is their friendship to me. They looked at each other for a bit until Sam broke the silence. “If I compromise, would she be able to keep her end of the bargain?” He asked me. “I'm right here, dodo brain, and only if you'd promise to let me train him good. Without fire or animals.” She extended her hand for a shake. He reached out... “And until he need to pick up the kids!” They then made the pact and nodded. “Deal!” They said with a smiling smug in their faces.

To me, that means they're back on neutral term with each other. “Alright! Now that we've settled this, let's help Sam unpacking most of his stuff.” I then went back to one of the boxes I've tried to opened.

But Sheba had other plans. “I wish I could, but right now, I don't feel like touching any of his weird stuff. Who knows what will scare people off.”

“They were meant to scare off unwanted visitors. My clients are just fine with them. We'll see you at dinner when you walked in unofficially and take our food for free!” Sam retorted again.

“I'm getting burgers MYSELF with my OWN money, ya lamp post!” She yelled at him before she steps out. “See you tomorrow, Felix!” We waved at each other before she slams the door.

I looked at Sam with a frowning expression. “She'll be back for leftovers, don't worry.” He said. “That's not it. Why are you two at each others throats all the time?” I asked as I took out a picture frame of our group photo at the park.

“Let's just say her picture and mine are two very different landscape. Even if it is the same subject. Now less chatting, more unpacking.”

I wanted to learn more on why these two aren't sharing the same terms without me, but at the same time, I don't want to overstep their boundaries...

But for now, the least I can do is to get them along as much as I can or else I'm gonna have a much harder time managing our team.

----Author’s notes------

Here’s another one shot for the BBTIM AU.

I wanted to experiment Sam’s relations with Felix’s current allies and families.

I wanted to gave him an guardian complex when it comes to Felix like Boris to Bendy, but more in a relatable manner and he just sees him as a younger brother.

I did wanted him to have a frenemy relation with Sheba. I was guessing that Sheba wanted Felix to be more than capable to stand on his own and defend himself much better than anyone else. (and treats him like one of those protagonist on a journey to become the strongest heroes) Sam on the other hand, wanted to let him know that it’s alright to have flaws and that he doesn’t need to be overly exhausted. (Everything is f#ked anyways, that what he wanted to say.)  Thus, this and then some other stuff, sparked some rivalry between them on who’s Felix’s real best bud! But Felix wanted them to get along and that there’s no competition.... but that doesn’t stop them from competing each other!

The song in this is from the 50′s musical of Calamity Jane and I think it suited well with them!

Hope you all have a fantastic day!

BBTIM AU and characters belongs to Marini4 and the humanized Sam Toucan is mine.

[heresmybrokenhallelujah]

The last couple weeks have been pretty good. I’ve been feeling like getting out often and am finding that it takes more to trigger panic attacks. But even if I go to a store with Hubby or something, it’s difficult to stay in for too long because it starts to feel unreal after a little. But I do better in some store than others if I know we’re only there to get one or two specific things. Big stores are hard because they’re so open and overstimulating, and little stores tend to make me feel closed in and cluttered. But I can do it with help if they aren’t busy. Mostly I’m excited about the improvement because it feels so good to want to go somewhere.

 Hubby and I are also working on fixing some stuff around the house. We’re painting our bedroom for a start (we got a Home Depot gift card for Christmas), which is great because every wall in our house is dingy white. We don’t decorate much cause it’s not in our budget and it feels pretty blahhh. But now that we’re doing our bedroom, I feel productive and like the color will help lift me up somehow. We picked a mossy forest green and warm beige. My father in law is making us a headboard for our bed. Maybe even some shelves. 

And I’ve been spending a lot of time dreaming about the garden we’re gonna try this year. I just found out we’re not allowed chickens where we’re at last night (though our relator told us we could and that was the main reason we picked this house... I should’ve looked into it myself instead of blindly trusting someone who seemed like she knew). That was pretty devestating because I’ve wanted them for years and thought we’d finely be able to. But I might try to bribe our neighbors with the promise of fresh eggs if they don’t report us for having them anyway... Hubby isn’t on board with my shenanigans but maybe if I get the neighbor’s permission, he’ll come around.

Health wise I haven’t been doing well as my stomach has been burning for three weeks now. I just started a medication for ulcers so hopefully that helps but last time I was on it, I started fainting all the time (though the dr I was seeing at the time swore it wasn’t related). I’ve been feeling more fainty since starting it. And half of my face has been numb off and on. My current doctor says once we have insurance she wants to send me to a neurologist. Could be silent migraines or MS.

I’ve had two appointments with an EMDR therapist in the last month and the first appointment went well and I felt really good about her. The second appointment was a mess and I cried the whole time. She told me I was really focused on the negative, which felt like an invalidating judgement, but then followed with, “You must be exhausted.” I had an overwhelmingly triggering time between appointments and I’m not sure she understood my intentions of talking about it for an hour straight. 

Something she said made me feel positively stupid- that I don’t know the difference between panic and anxiety. And at first I thought, Maybe she’s right? But in hindsight I don’t think she knows me well enough to know I’m not uneducated about my disorder and that I can identify my own fucking experiences. 

I don’t want a therapist who treats me like my mom, as if I don’t know myself well enough to say what’s going on with me. Like she has to tell me. But I’m going to give her another shot next week. The first appointment was so helpful that maybe this second one was just a miscommunication?

The whole session would’ve been different if I hadn’t had a panic attack about finances and their sliding scale fee immediately before session, not to mention they had jazz music playing loudly in the lounge over top of a babbling brook and birds soundscape. I was so worked up when I got there. But she helped me through the “panic attack” (if that’s what it was... now I don’t even know??) and we used buzzers and headphones to do bilateral stimulation. I was surprised at how calming it was.

And when I mentioned the lounge being so loud she told me she’d talk to the receptionists about it and that next time I can sit in a quiet room so it’s not so chaotic. I think that will make a huge difference.

But good news, Hubby finally has a job! It’s at Home Depot, which has above minimum hourly rate. Orientation today. He’ll only be part-time though, and so he’s had another interview for a grocery store office assistant to fill in the gaps. Hopefully he’ll get that too and we might barely make ends meet so we won’t have to sell the house and move back in with his parents. That interview went well, too, so I have a good feeling about it. The manager of the grocery store said they might be able to compete with Home Depot’s pay so that he can make them his first priority. Hubby’s aim is to land full-time at Home Depot though because they have wayyyy better benefits.

I’m hoping these jobs will help him heal from his last one. They absolutely chewed him up and spit him out, which was such a blow for his first paid job as youth minister. Youth ministers at other church’s who he is friends have tried to reassure him that it was a broken system in that church, not him, at fault. But now he’s so burnt out. I think an easy job will be good for him. He’s great with people and has always done well in retail. 

And I’ve got a date with the realtor who sold us our house on Monday. I haven’t reached out to her in months because I didn’t want to tell her about Hubby losing his job. But I think there is real friend potential and I’m looking forward to getting coffee or something together. 

Overall I’ve been happy lately and it’s a welcomed reprieve.

[kuriquinn]

You Are Cordially Invited [6/?]

Cover & Disclaimer

Chapter Summary:  For the most part, her parents have been supportive of hers and Sasuke’s relationship. It’s only occasionally that their worries cause them to overstep – or at least, cause her mother to overstep. But Sakura knows her parents, and she suspects that the longer they have to get used to the idea, and the more time they spend with Sasuke, the more accepting they will be.

Chapter Beta: None. As usual, I’ll edit it myself and with help from ProWriting Aid tomorrow, and then I’ll send it off to my beta. 

Author’s Note: Sorry if scene transitions are a little choppy. I’m still trying to get better at having time pass in a chapter, as opposed to writing long, drawn out explanations of an entire day’s worth of events...I really can’t afford this turning into another IOG, where it’s been 30-odd chapters and it’s still only the second day...

Although Sasuke is a little less concerned about the wedding ceremony itself knowing that Naruto and Kakashi will be there to support him, there are still practical affairs occupying his mind. As he helps Sakura plan the event during her increasingly scarce downtime, he learns how much attention to detail it requires.

And apparently money.

Sasuke never imagined it would cost much to get married, but Sakura’s messy calculations and her assurances that they can still have a beautiful wedding on a budget tell him different.

“Don’t worry, Sasuke,” she says the next morning when she sees him frown at the cost of a hall rental for the hiroen. “Guests always bring money gifts. Whatever we spend now, we’ll get paid back. And if we’re careful, we can have some left over for afterwards!”

She beams at him.

Sasuke isn’t much comforted by this, especially considering the money Sakura means to use now belongs to her and her parents. While he understands the reason she never asked him to help pay for anything – she’s aware of his lack of funds right now – he can’t help being bothered about it. They are about to embark on a new chapter of their lives together, and once again, she is investing everything in it while he is unable to do the same.

Is this how it’s always going to be?

If they’re supposed to spend this much on the wedding, maybe he should put off looking for a home until they get back…

He doesn’t get very long to brood about it. Almost ten minutes after Sakura leaves for her morning shift, Naruto arrives, a canvas garment bag slung over his shoulder. “Oi! Sasuke, I’ve got something for you!”

“Do you need to announce it to the neighbourhood?” he retorts waspishly.

“Huh…someone hasn’t had any caffeine today,” Naruto sniffs, and unzips the bag. “Here.”

He brandishes several thick folds of cloth at him.

“What is this?”

“It’s a montuki,” Naruto rolls his eyes. “I said no hobo-cloak, remember? And I’m your best man, so I have to get you ready.”

“I’m not wearing that.”

“Well have you got any other option?” his friend challenges. “Other than whatever the hell you’re wearing now?”

“It’s called a shirt, half-wit.”

“Exactly.”

Sasuke raises an eyebrow, deciding it’s too early in the morning to try to understand Naruto-logic.

“What’s the matter? It’s not like I’m giving you something cheap, and you’re only like an inch taller than me, so no one’s going to notice if it’s a little short.”

“I’m not taking the only set of formal clothing that you own.”

“You’re not taking, you’re borrowing – and why not?!”

Sasuke doesn’t know how to explain that it would feel weird getting married in the same clothing that Naruto did without the other man taking it as an insult. Or mocking him for sentimentality. Instead, he falls back on his standard tactic to avoid doing something he doesn’t want to.

Deflection.

“They probably smell like the ramen you spilled on them.”

“As if Hiashi would let us have ramen at the wedding,” Naruto rolls his eyes.

“Hinata snuck you some afterward.”

“How…hey, wait a minute, you weren’t even there! How do you know that? Did Sakura tell you?”

“No. But I know you. and I know Hinata.”

“Hmph! Just for that, you can ask Kakashi to find you something to wear,” Naruto sniffs.

Sasuke considers this. It’s not a bad idea. As far as he knows, anything Kakashi owns won’t have been worn to his wedding; the man apparently didn’t have a formal ceremony. Sasuke suspects there was alcohol and a series of spur-of-the-moment decisions involved, but no one has ever confirmed that. Like the face behind Kakashi’s mask, Sasuke suspects it will remain a mystery.

He wonders if his sensei didn’t have the right idea. Aside from the alcohol, it seems a lot less complicated than what Sasuke is going through right now.

And on that note…

“Naruto…” Sasuke begins, trying for casual. “Who paid for your wedding?”

His friend blinks. “Huh?”

“Was it Hinata’s family? Or…?” He has a suspicion the village might have footed the bill for their hero.

“Hm…” Naruto thinks about it, and then shrugs. “I don’t know.”

Sasuke’s eye twitches. “You’re kidding.”

“Well, I know Hinata and Hanabi and a bunch of her cousins did all the planning, so I guess her family did,” Naruto goes on obliviously. “But we got a lot of gifts – even before the wedding, so that took care of a lot of it. Other than that…I have no idea.”

“You don’t know who paid for your wedding but you expect to be involved in the finances of an entire village?” Sasuke asks through gritted teeth.

“Hey, it’s totally different!”

“You are still…such an idiot.”

It’s a small sign of growing maturity that instead of taking a swipe at him, Naruto simply snatches up the garment bag and stalks out of the apartment. Sasuke scowls at his door for a while, exasperated, and then snatches his sword and heads for one of the outlying training grounds. It might not help him figure out the money concerns, but the exercise at least allows him to express some of his frustration.

Over the course of the next few hours, he slowly returns to his usual composure and feels readier to tackle the financial problems that are bothering him. Upon returning home, he sits down and starts a list of his own, wrestling with numbers and priorities. With Sakura’s notes nearby, he determines there are at least a few things he can contribute to and still put some money away for a place for them to live.

If he doesn’t mind cutting down on buying food for the rest of his stay in Konoha, and rethinks his stance on living with his prospective in-laws when they return.

He resists the urge to knock his head against the table.

There is a knock at the door, and he sighs, getting up to answer it.

Outside, three small figures are lingering; a genin squad, ostensibly on a mission to deliver messages around the village. (He remembers those days well.) While two teammates linger several cautious steps back, a small boy with hair like a broom holds out an envelope to Sasuke, hands shaking slightly.

Sasuke is used to the fearful reaction from the younger generation, and wonders which idiot in his life chose to punish a bunch of kids by sending him a message instead of a summon. Still, he takes the paper without comment and begins to close the door, when the one of the other genin – gawky dark-haired girl with a ridiculous bow –  pipes up, “Hey…mister…”

He pauses.

“Is it true you saved Konoha from being smushed by a piece of the moon?”

He considered the upturned, uneasy faces in front of him for a moment, and then offers a short, “Yes.”

And closes the door.

Outside, he hears a sharp intake of breath and then a low chorus of, “Whoa…” and excited chatter as they leave. He snorts to himself, a flicker of long-buried childhood pride flaring up unexpectedly, and opens the envelope.

Scanning the message, he rolls his eyes and grabs his cloak.

Upon arriving at the Hokage Tower, he strides into Kakashi’s office and says, “If you needed to see me, why not tell me so this morning?”

“I didn’t know I’d need to see you until about a half hour ago,” Kakashi replies with an indifferent shrug. “Just because I wear a big hat and a cape doesn’t make me omniscient, you know.”

Sasuke stares at him expectantly.

“You know, anyone else would laugh at that,” the Hokage sighs and reaches for a dossier beside him. He holds it out to Sasuke. “It took some doing, but I’ve gotten approval to have the remaining Uchiha holdings permanently passed over to you. Homura and Koharu weren’t too happy about it, but Tsunade’s in town and put in a good word for you.” Sasuke’s surprise must show on his face, because Kakashi waves dismissively. “I doubt it was for your well-being so much as Sakura’s. And the Elders aren’t as willing to oppose Tsunade since she stopped being Hokage. She said it was something to do with not being a role-model anymore or being too old to give a shit…”

He trails off with a wistful look in his eyes, as if he can’t wait until he attains that magical epoch in his life. Then he shakes his head and returns his attention to Sasuke.

“You just need to sign all the places that are indicated and you’ll have full financial autonomy,” Kakashi goes on. “I took the liberty of adding Sakura’s name to your list of beneficiaries. I know you aren’t married yet, but it takes two weeks for the paperwork to go through and I suspect you two will be on your way when that happens.”

Sasuke nods in thanks and flips through the paperwork, grimacing at the sum circled in red. It’s hard to feel enthusiastic about it, even though it’s more than he’s been living off since returning. It might be enough to put a down-payment on a slightly larger apartment, though…

“With regards to the wedding,” Kakashi says.

Sasuke glances up with a frown. “Is that really something to discuss here?”

“I gave the entire village mission to find wedding gifts for Naruto,” Kakashi points out dryly, “which, if I recall, you totally ignored. I highly doubt the mere mention of your impending nuptials will somehow dishonor this office.”

Sasuke rolls his eyes.

“I have a bunch of formalwear that I’ve never worn,” Kakashi goes on. “I don’t even know where they came from, to be honest. I don’t remember buying them, and Manako hates shopping more than I do. In the event you want to borrow something, the offer is there.”

There’s a pause as Sasuke considers Kakashi for a long moment, and then he snorts. “That stubborn moron was here complaining, wasn’t he?”

“I’m offended that you think I needed Naruto to talk to me about this. Who says I wasn’t going to make the offer myself?” Kakashi replies, and then Sasuke continues to look unimpressed he sighs. “Fine, he may have reminded me. But only because I’ve been busy cutting through the red tape concerning your property. I think that deserves some gratitude.”

“You have it,” Sasuke says shortly, placing the paper on the desk and reaching for a pen to sign with. A moment later, he passes it back. “Is there anything else? Or do you intend to set another pointless mission for a bunch of genin?”

“Everyone has to start somewhere – you all did,” his former teacher replies. “If you’re interested, come by later and see if anything I have fits you. If it doesn’t, I’m sure your future mother-in-law won’t mind making alterations. Assuming you haven’t managed to piss her off yet.”

“Hm.”

He turns to leave, but then Kakashi clears his throat. Glancing over his shoulder, he notices the older pan pushing something across the clear space on his desk. Sasuke doesn’t recognise it at first, but when he does, he narrows his eyes. “No.”

“Come on, Sasuke, face it. You’re not exactly an expert on social interactions of a certain type. And I don’t see you following Sai’s example and reading up on human behaviour cues, or doing something as prosaic as asking.” He taps the orange cover of the notorious book. “At least if you skim through this, it could help.”

“Help what?”

“You know,” Kakashi says, voice heavy with implication.

A beat later, the penny drops and Sasuke glares. “You’re a degenerate.”

He stalks away, pointedly ignoring the offered book and its irritating owner.

He can and will figure that part of his marriage out by himself.

うちは

“Stop moving so much,” Sakura’s mother complains, “the sleeves will be uneven.”

“No one will notice if the sleeves are uneven, Mother,” Sakura sighs in exasperation.

“I will, and that’s all that matters – honestly, Sakura, can’t you put those down for two seconds?” Mebuki complains. “I swear, every day you bring home more work. I thought you were supposed to be delegating projects, not taking on more.”

The living room of the Haruno household is a disaster zone of paperwork and files, along with swatches of cloth and the remnants of a late lunch. While Mebuki fusses over her, Ino sits across the room with a sketchbook on her knee – a present from Sai, no doubt – putting finishing touches on her ideas for the flower arrangements. Meanwhile, Hinata has graciously taken it upon herself to act as Sakura’s unofficial secretary today.

Apparently, the hospital frowns upon the idea of dragging interns home at the end of the day…

At the moment, she is busy transcribing Sakura’s rather messy writing into readable instructions, so that her replacements can best follow her directives.

“I have to make sure everything is set up before I leave,” Sakura reminds her mother, flipping through a stack of papers that she has spread out on the chabudai in the living room.  Occasionally she stamps them with her inkan, but mostly she just organizes them into separately labeled piles. Every now and again she stretches out a body part or twists to one side so that her mother can wrap measuring tape around whatever body part she currently requires. In the background, a half-finished kimono hangs on one of Mebuki’s dressmaking mannequins.

“Leaving me with the hard work! How am I supposed to complete a proper shiromoku in eight days?”

“I already said you didn’t have to if you didn’t want to.”

“Of course, I have to! Do you think I’m going to let you get married in a pantsuit or something boring like that?” Mebuki demands, and then trails off into a low grumble. “This is all far too rushed.”

“You’re the one that bullied Sasuke into it. We were perfectly fine with the idea of getting married when we came back.”

“Well, I wasn’t.”

“Heh, Auntie Mebuki doesn’t want her daughter’s virtue compromised.”

Sakura shoots Ino a glare. “At least I have some.”

“Not for long you won’t,” Ino leers, and then pretends to sniff and wipe away a tear. “And to think, soon you won’t be the only one of us here that’s still a virgin…”

“Ino! Don’t be so impolite!” Mebuki scolds.

“Sorry, Auntie.”

“Although, on that note, sweetheart, you’re going to make sure you whip up some proper protection, right?” Mebuki adds a moment later. “I’m far too young to be a grandmother.”

“Of, for goodness sake!” Sakura cries, throwing down her pain and clapping her hands over her ears. “Hinata, please, distract me from these two before I strangle one of them!”

Hinata laughs nervously. “Well…uh, you need to reassign your patient cases amongst your colleagues.”

“I have that folder here somewhere,” Sakura says, weeding through the pile in front of her. “Any cases with asterisks beside them are complicated procedures that go to Lady Tsunade. All the other ones can just be divided between this list of people.” She passes the folder and the list over. “They’re the most competent residents I have.”

“Should we reserve a place at the inn beside the shrine?” Mebuki asks.

Sakura raises an eyebrow. “Why would we do that?”

“For the night before. It would make it easier for you to get ready and to the ceremony on time.”

“The ceremony is taking place three blocks from our house. I don’t mind walking.”

“I know you don’t mind, but those roads haven’t been paved yet. We don’t want you to get all dirty from the street before you get to the shrine – come on, Sakura, be practical!”

“Fine! We’ll rent a room there.”

“I’ve finished going through all the delegate that have actually confirmed they’ll be here for the conferences,” Hinata interrupts quietly, passing Sakura back another list. “And I’ve written down the subject of their presentations, and underligned which ones are interested in leading panel discussions.”

“Huh. I should probably write up a letterhead advertising the most prominent ones,” Sakura muses. “But make a note that it will depend on how many people attend. If not enough people are interested, we can’t waste money booking a conference room for the panel.”

“What do you think of this?” Ino wants to know, appearing beside her and sliding her sketch on top of the attendance list.

“It’s nice,” Sakura says, glancing briefly at the design. Daffodils, lavender sprigs and… She frowns and looks back, trying to make sure her eyes are working. “Are those roses blue?”

“Mm-hmm,” Ino replies smugly. “Red ones feel a little cliché at this point. True love – we all get it. But blue ones – well, they symbolise rarity. Something hardly within one’s grasp, that under normal circumstances would be difficult to achieve. I thought it fit you both well.”

Sakura breaks out into a smile. “That’s perfect.”

“Of course it’s perfect, it’s my work,” Ino tells her, taking the sketchbook back.

“You also have to reply to these,” Hinata says, brandishing a stack of letters. “It’s all the offers from other hospitals wanting you to visit. There are some as far away as the Land of Sky.”

Sakura shakes her head. “That’s too far for me right now. In fact, anyone from out west I’ll have to decline for now. If there are any on the way to the Land of Earth, though, I can look them over later today. Maybe I can visit them on the way back from the mission. Just put those aside for now.”

“Are you two going to have a gift registry?” Mebuki asks. “I read about that in one of my magazines. It’s for gifts.”

“There’s really no point,” Sakura says. “We don’t really have a house yet, and it’s not like we’re going to be here for the first part of the marriage.”

Then she breaks into a grin.

“What?” her mother asks.

“‘Our marriage’,” Sakura sighs. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of being able to say that.”

“You are going to be absolutely useless now, aren’t you?” Ino deadpans.

“Oh, no, she’s not,” Mebuki declares. “What do you think about food? Hinata and I thought it might be simplest to make a large portion of one or two dishes than plan an entire menu, especially since you’ve said the reception will be rather short. But if you’re looking for something specific –”

“Just something simple, nothing too fancy. And nothing too sweet, because Sasuke’s not a fan.”

“I don’t know why he’s not here helping with this. He’s unemployed, the least he could do is the planning while you’re busy with all of this.” She gestures at Sakura’s list of competent interns and upcoming medical procedures.

“He has other things on his mind.”

“Like what? It’s not as if he’s even helping to pay for the wedding – Kakashi is,” Mebuki replies.

Sakura blinks, and tilts her head towards her mother. “What did you say?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Mebuki asks. “He came by early this morning – ungodly early, if you ask me. He wanted to ask who was paying for the wedding, and when your father and I said we had it covered, he insisted he wanted to split the cost. Something about taking his duties seriously.”

There’s a suspicious blurring in Sakura’s eyes.

“I think Sasuke must have asked him to stand in for his parents at the ceremony,” she says quietly. “I guess he’s trying to do whatever he can in place of Sasuke’s father.”

“Wow,” Ino says, looking shocked. “That’s…Kakashi-sensei’s really a softy, isn’t he?”

“He’s a good man,” Hinata agrees.

Mebuki considers all of this for a moment, and then sniffs. “Well, I still say Sasuke should be doing more.

“Mother!” Sakura cries. “The man saved the whole planet, is he never going to be good enough for you?”

“You helped saved the planet, too,” her mother answers mutinously.

Sakura mouths wordlessly, wanting to say several different things at once, but unable to settle on anything in particular. Ino appears to sense her growing frustration and possible impending destruction of furniture, because she interjects, “Forget it, Sakura. The whole purpose of parents is to be overprotective of their kids and harp on their in-laws.”

“Says the woman whose mother actually loves her son-in-law.”

“Well, my mother’s strange.”

“And Hinata’s father likes Naruto.”

“To be fair, he challenged him to single-combat before he would let Naruto ask me to marry him,” Hinata pipes up, and then bites her lip. “But, yes, Father likes him. He insists he call him ‘Dad’ whenever we visit for dinner.” She makes a face. “Hanabi and I were never even allowed to call him ‘Dad’.”

“Maybe he’s trying to grow with the times?” Ino suggests.

“See? Why can’t you be like that?” Sakura asks her mother. “You know Sasuke doesn’t have anyone else in the world. You and Dad are going to be his only family other than me, would it kill you to go a little easier on him?”

“If he challenges me to single-combat, I’ll consider it,” Mebuki replies stubbornly, causing Ino and Hinata to burst into giggles. Even Sakura can’t quite keep the smile from her face at the mental-image that offers.

“You are incorrigible,” she tells her mother, and when her mother offers a wry grin in response, Sakura lets the matter lie.

For the most part, her parents have been supportive of hers and Sasuke’s relationship. It’s only occasionally that their worries cause them to overstep – or at least, cause her mother to overstep. But Sakura knows her parents, and she suspects that the longer they have to get used to the idea, and the more time they spend with Sasuke, the more accepting they will be.

I hope, she thinks with weary sigh.

The next few hours pass quickly, and after Ino and Hinata go home, and her mother heads to the kitchen to start cooking dinner, Sakura feels as if she managed to make a decent dent in her work. As has become habit on her evenings off, Sasuke arrives at her doorstep with a silent invitation to walk with him, and she wastes no time falling into step with him.

As they meander down the familiar treeline path that leads to her favourite lookout point, Sakura asks if he knew about Kakashi’s offer.

Judging by the subtle widening of Sasuke’s eyes and tiny frown in his forehead, he didn’t.

“What’s wrong?” she asks him. “Don’t you think it was nice of him to do that?”

“It was,” he says stiffly. “It is also unnecessary.”

“There’s nothing wrong with accepting help from the people who love you, Sasuke,” she tells him gently.

“That’s not what I…” he begins, but stops, appearing frustrated. She half expects him to shove his hand in his pocket and stalk away, the way he would have when they were children. But a minute later, after what appears to be some furious thinking, he speaks again.

“How will this marriage succeed if I have nothing to contribute?” he asks.

“What are you talking about?”

“You’re overseeing all the plans,” he tells her. “The logistics, the financial concerns – even Kakashi and Naruto are more aware of all that’s needed than I am. In the end, what should I be doing? Do I just show up and benefit from all this? Nothing in life is that easy.”

His words end abruptly, and through the unexpected vulnerability, Sakura hears what he stopped himself from adding: for me.

“You don’t believe you deserve this,” she realises out loud.

He says nothing, but she takes his silence as confirmation.

Her heart breaks just a little, because she knows why he thinks that. His entire life – from the approval he confessed to craving from his father to the redemption for his deeds in the war – nothing has ever been handed to him. He may have been called a genius, but in many ways he was far more crippled by circumstance than even Naruto was.

 “Sasuke…you do.

He tries to turn away and she reaches out to tug at his hand until he turns around.

“I mean it,” she says, trying to duck her head beneath his downturned face to meet his gaze. “After everything you’ve lost…after everything you’ve gone through, you deserve a second chance. And if that includes having your friends try to take care of you, is it really so bad to let them?”

“Hn.”

She senses him giving way, and leans in to entwine her fingers with his.

“Besides,” she goes on, “you’re wrong, anyway. There’s one thing you never had to work for. And when I say one thing, I mean one person.”

“Naruto doesn’t count,” he tells her blandly.

“Naru – you think I’m talking about Naruto?!” she hisses, yanking her hand back and raising a threatening fist at him. But then he glances up at her, and she sees the tiny smirk forming on his face, and she realises he’s teasing.

“I take it back,” she grumbles. “You’re a horrible person.”

“You just told me I deserve a second chance,” he points out. “By your logic, if I was a horrible person, I wouldn’t deserve one.”

“Fine – you’re not a horrible person. But you do have a horrible sense of humour,” she tells him matter-of-factly. “Teasing me like that…I hope you know I’m not going to stand for that sort of thing once we’re married.”

But she still smiles at him, because the fact that it’s Sasuke teasing her makes all the difference.

Sasuke return her smile.

In fact, once again he shifts, looking away from her with his jaw set in dissatisfaction. Sakura narrows her eyes. “There’s something else, isn’t there?”

He nods jerkily, but doesn’t speak. She gives it a few moments, sensing that this is something he is not very comfortable voicing, but sure he will get there in his own time.

“It was always my understanding that in a typical relationship, certain responsibilities fall to the man,” he eventually confesses. “There are certain tasks I should carry out without having to rely on others.”

Sakura parses this, and a moment later snorts in disbelief; she didn’t expect to have to contend with both his inferiority complex and wounded man pride this evening.

“Darling, I don’t know if you’ve realised, but we’re not exactly a typical couple,” she says dryly. “You were an international criminal and I made a name for myself facing an army of puppets. Typical was thrown out the window about the time we all enrolled in the Academy.”

“Tch.”

“And if you’re that worried about not contributing, my mother’s been asking for more help with the planning. In fact, she requested you specifically,” she tells him, only feeling a little guilty her own amusement when Sasuke’s eye begins to twitch.

“I will…consider it.”

“Good.”

“And if that’s not manly enough for you, I’m sure you could ask my father if anything needs repairing around the house. Or maybe you could bring home a freshly killed boar for our table.”

The Rinnegan narrows in annoyance. “This is retribution for the Naruto comment, isn’t it?”

“Oh, please, would I be so petty?” she asks, and leans into him as they walk.

He wisely chooses not to answer that.

I did say he was a genius, she thinks idly, expecting the rest of the walk to continue in silence. She is therefore surprised when Sasuke breaks it with a scoff.

“‘Darling’?” he asks, tone half-amused, half exasperated. “Isn’t that a little…old fashioned?”

She suspects that’s not the word he was originally going for, and sticks her tongue out at him. “It’s not old fashioned, it’s cute. Typical married couples have nicknames for each other. You were getting all upset about us not being a typical couple, so I thought I’d help.”

“I wasn’t upset about that. And that’s not helping.”

“If you don’t like darling, we could try something else?” she suggests, pretending not to hear him. She affects an innocent air. “What about ‘sweetheart’? Or ‘honey’?” Sasuke groans. “No, wait, you don’t like sweets. ‘My tomato’?”

“Please. Stop.”

“Come on, it’s fun! You can come up with something for me –”

“No.”

“– though I promise you, if you ever call me ‘kitten’, I will break your nose.”

“That won’t happen in this lifetime.”

“Good. Just as long as we’re in total agreement on that,” she declares with a decisive nod of her head. And then, shooting him an impish grin, she adds, “darling.”

つづく

There we go - guy talk, NaruSasu bonding, SasuKaka bonding, Sasuke angsting, girl talk, over-protective mother, SasuSaku hurt-comfort and teasing banter. I think I covered all the bases?

Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! Also, if you are in a supportive mood, I have a tip jar through ko-fi located at the top of the page! Thanks for your interest in my work!

クリ

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[medicalmyanne]

MedicalMyanne’s Best of 2017: A Comprehensive Gift Guide

I am a huge fan of practical gifts. If an item can be used daily, while still reminding you of your beloved, I consider it the perfect present. Below are my Christmas/Holiday gift ideas for any student in your life, ranging from $1.75 to under $100 for 2017.

Stocking Stuffers:

1. MUJI Polycarbonate Pens - $1.75

We get it -- med students study. Make it more bearable by gifting the student in your life a decent pen they won’t lose within hours. These MUJI polycarbonate pens write like a dream. They are retractable, write smoothly, and come in 6 different ink colors (black, teal, magenta, true blue, red, and orange). These don’t tend to leak like the original MUJI capped pens (as much as I like these as well), and are great for white coat pockets, college students, and even Grandma, who loves to pen you a letter every now & then. 

2. BadgeBlooms Badge Reel - $6

Melissa is a nurse-turned-entrepreneur based in Chicago, IL. Her Etsy shop is stocked full of badge reels for every medical professional in your life. My personal favorite are her felt badges -- created into human organs, cute animals, and the most adorable inanimate objects (think - tacos, pineapples, cupcakes!). I own 2 of these myself & they are of great quality. At under $10, these would be great stocking stuffers or for several nurses on your floor while on a student budget. BadgeBloom’s huge selection gives you a chance to make it personal (everyone has a favorite animal or organ), and a badge reel is practical in its every day use. Your recipient will be reminded of you every time he/she puts on his/her badge. 

3. Glossier Balm Dot Coms (lip salve) - $12

Makeup is universal, but chapped lips shouldn’t be. As a chronic lip picker while studying, the Mint BDC has been my holy grail. Balm Dot Coms come in 6 different scents (Original/Unscented, Rose, Mint, Coconut, Cherry Birthday Cake). I have always found gifting makeup to be an extremely personal preference, but lip balm is something that gives more leeway. Mint is my personal favorite (think Burt’s Bee’s classic lip balm, but way less waxy), and I’ve gifted them to a couple of friends already. Boys -- this would be a great idea so your girl doesn’t have to exchange a foundation 3 shades too light at a Sephora 30 mins away. You can get 20% off your entire Glossier purchase using my affiliate link here. Balm Dot Coms also come in a trio -- you’ll get any 3 flavors for $30, saving yourself a cool $6. You can spend that on a Burrito Bowl all for you, and cover 3 stocking stuffers for your 3 besties this holiday season. 

4. The gift of giving back - Starbucks/Tiff’s Treats Gift Card - $20

Give for others to give -- literally. I have always been a huge fan of “just because” gifts, and with friends all fighting their own battles in grad school, I like to give a little pick-me-up to someone to brighten their day. Give a gift card to Starbucks or a food-delivery company -- not for your recipient, but so they can treat someone, too.

Recently, I’ve started placing Starbucks “To-Go” mobile orders in various locations, based on my recipient’s current location (must be within 100 miles, I believe). All your recipient has to do is pop in & pick it up -- and it’s already pre-paid by you.

If you are based in Texas, Tiff’s Treats is a cookie delivery company who delivers freshly baked cookies right to your loved one’s doorstep. I think I’ve placed over 20 orders for birthdays, as thank yous, and just a little “thinking of you” surprise. They’ve recently amped up their packaging, and you can even write a personalized note to your recipient for free. The delivery comes wrapped in a bow, and comes baked fresh & piping hot (they call your recipient to confirm their delivery prior to baking!). Give a gift card to your beloved to encourage them to treat someone special in their life, too.

Mid-Range:

5. SLMD Daytime Acne Lotion or Clarifying Treatment - $30/each

Dr. Pimple Popper, need I say more? I’ve battled with my skin nearly all of my life, and have been loving the SLMD line. The Daytime Acne Lotion is 2.5% benzoyl peroxide, which kills acne-causing bacteria, and the Clarifying Treatment contains retinol, a Vitamin A derivative shown to reduce blackheads, fine lines, and even wrinkles. I was first introduced to these when I started the  SLMD 30-Day Acne System (also a great gift idea @ $45). I loved both these items so much, when I finished the trial as well as my normal prescribed topicals, I purchased full sizes of the Acne Lotion & Clarifying Treatment to keep my stress-induced acne at bay.

6. White Coat Clipboard - $25-31

Move over PSLs & UGG boots -- it’s time for the real basic grad school essential. Sleek enough to fit into a white coat pocket, practical enough to have high-yield lab values & fit a whole stack of paper, white coat clipboards are the way to go. I have one as a hand-me-down from an upper-level and was recently given a brand new gorgeous teal one from my med school Big! They come in tons of colors (pink, purple, black, etc.). Be sure to differentiate the medical vs. nursing versions based on the future life-saver you’re giving it to. 

White Coat Clipboards are made of metal, and it folds with well-built hinges. These would also be great for high school students just starting to volunteer at hospitals, pre-meds beginning their shadowing experiences, or even physicians who’ve been in the game for a while. Its convenience & durability lasts several years, and can withstand the test of time, as well as the years dedicated to your craft.

7. A Freshly subscription - $45

Meal delivery right to your front doorstep. Not even a box of ingredients you’ll have to wash, cut, and prepare. Straight up food -- chef-prepared, packaged with care, and all you have to do is heat it up. Freshly came in so clutch during block exam weeks for me, I ordered an additional week after that and thought I lost all knowledge of how to cook after the 7 days in heaven ended. Not to mention -- their customer service is amazing. They’ll personally call you to confirm food allergies, remind you of your delivery date several hours before, and have your box filled with ice packs to keep your food fresh if you’re working late. Though “surprise” & trial boxes like FabFitFun & Sephora Play!, etc. are absolutely adorable, the greatest gift, in my opinion, is the gift of convenience & not having to wash dishes (hahah). This would be perfect for truly anyone -- a best friend, boyfriend, or a struggling classmate -- nose-deep in finals, recovering from post-call, or “just because” on a lazy week.

You can use code med639 to save $20 off your first 6 meals. I receive no commission nor compensation from this code.

BOUJEE:

8. NurseMates Anni-Lo Shoes - $76.95

These are the cutest shoes known to man. Anni-Los scream comfort with its orthotic shape & adorable mix between the Sperrys & Keds aesthetic. I have these in white & wear them literally every day. I love them so much, I actually ordered a second pair in the same size & color just in case these wear out. These run true size (I wear size 7 normally in shoes, and have these in size 7). Annie-Los can be worn with scrubs or even out in daily life, and even have a little platform that elongate & flatter your legs if you have shorter ones like me.

9. FIGS scrubs - $86

Yes. The hype is very, very real. FIGS are the most flattering scrubs in the game. It boasts a draped & tapered fit, luxe fabric, and an admirable mission to boot (buy one pair, they give a pair to a health professional in need). These are by far the most flattering scrubs I own, their customer service team is a dream to work with, and they really do believe in the concept of altruism (read about their work for Hurricane Harvey here). I am rather petite (5′3″) and a ride-or-die top-tucker. My picks are the Catarina top ($38, chest pocket for optimal tucking) & the Kade Cargo Pants ($48). They recently released a bunch of new colors (burgundy, dark harbor, white) & lots of other “lifestyle” wear. I’ve always been a fan of their lifestyle vest (comes with lots of secret pockets, which I believe is discontinued) and their long-sleeve underscrub (also the most flattering long-sleeves I wear in autumn).

You can use my code MyanneFIGS for 15% off your entire FIGS purchase. I receive no commission nor compensation from this code. FYI - right now, FIGS is offering complimentary, custom embroidering on all orders to celebrate the holiday season. Be sure to take advantage of this!

10. A freaking good pair of yoga pants - Lululemon Pace Rival Crops - $88

I found Pace Rivals completely by accident -- on a Lululemon clearance rack that was a size too big for me in Canada. These soon & very quickly became my favorite pants. Their length is extremely flattering, and the material is very durable (I feel like I don’t have to baby them as much as Aligns, which are luxuriously butter soft and also a favorite), but still breathable. Because they are a bit looser, I can hide them underneath a white coat and have it low-key kinda-sorta pass as business pants (#teamlazy). I consider Pace Rivals to be truly worth the price you pay for the usage you will get out of them. My picks are a pair in the color black for a professional monochrome look.