#cause well. i dont think you actually have a sleep cycle?

[lightamp]

people joking after characters want to sleep after a coma "haha didnt you just sleep for weeks?? why are you tired?"

what you dont know is that after i got outta mine ive been perm tired like my body misses the sweet eternal rest of induced coma drugs

[kenneth-the-mudmander]

Long rant about how all signs point to Graydon being the Harbinger of the Wyrm. This is like really long, guys. So only read if you really wanna hear some Willow theories.

Using his flute on the sand boat wasnt the first time Graydon used magic

Its was at Nockmaar, when he force lifted Elora into the air and tried to banish her soul to the whatever dimension

I know that he was posessed by the Wyrm at this point,

But Ballentine and Airk never used magic when they were possessed.

So what makes Graydon different?

Well, I think its just another sign that he is the Harbinger.

I've may have before mentioned before about a theory I have, about how when the world is shaking as Graydon reads the pnkotic at the gate its because its to symbolize how he himself is the Harbinger in the poem. And to symbolize that the gang themselves are standing at a threshold.

And that later, at the end, when Graydon wakes up in the Wyrm dimension, it is directly mirroring the line at the end of the poem:

"We stand at the threshhold"

"We peer into the void"

"We bear witness to his glory"

"The Eternal One, the healer of worlds."

"As he stirs from his deathless slumber, deep below the surface,"

"The Harbinger of the Wyrm will come."

We, as the audience, think he dies when he is exploded or sent through the portal or whatever. When we see him wake up, it is like he is coming back alive.

Having been sent through a threshold into the void and then Awakening from a "deathless slumber".

He is greeted by the Wyrm, who has taken the form of Elora.

The Wyrm tells him that she needs him.

She needed her Harbinger.

The Crone kidnaps Airk because she thinks his Blood of the Six will mean he will be the strong magic conduit the Wyrm needs for the Harbinger.

But Airk never does any magic. The Blood of the Six meant nothing. The Crone got it wrong.

Because it was Graydon all along.

The Harbinger probably has some sort of prophesy about who he is going to be. Things to look out for that would indicate who is actually the Harbinger. Just like in the Willow movie, Elora Danan had prophecies about her being a goddess, her birthmark, and how she would destroy Bavmorda.

Im guessing the Gales knew to look for a Prince from a magic bloodline and figured Airk was the best fit.

This, of course, makes the assumption that Graydon comes from a magical bloodline.

Which I do think is hinted at with the mere fact that Graydon can read pnkotic, taught himself magic, and that when controlled by Wyrm, he could use strong magic without a wand.

Magic is in his blood or soul or something. If it isn't from the Hastur bloodline. Then it's because he is a chosen one like Elora, and is The Harbinger.

Elora, the Avatar Goddess of the World.

Graydon, Harbinger of the Wyrm.

And God!

Like, if this is the direction that the show is going. That is soo good. What? I mean.

What does this mean for the show? I cant believe Graydon will turn to the dark side. Not forever at least. So does that mean he would actually be the Harbinger of the Wyrm,

Not as in a Harbinger, or someone that fortells the coming of evil. But a Harbinger, which is someone who fortells the death of evil.

Also, Elora and Graydon fighting side by side, using Light and Dark magic together. Its like bringing balance to the force, or magic life blood of universe.

Cause the show keeps saying the universe needs to be in balance. And there's no balance in conquest. If Light defeats Dark, then the whole is cut in half. No longer balanced.

So maybe the wyrm is just put back into a deep sleep? Like he was thousands of years ago.

The dark isnt destroyed, just lain dormant. Waiting for when the hearts of men are once again corruptable.

Elora is a symbol of unification.

When societies are unified, taken care of, less evil things happen. People dont have to steal or lie or kill to survive. They can live happy in peace.

Unification isnt perfect. Eventually, anything can slip back into old ways and evil rises again.

Life is a cycle. A push and pull, balanced ying yang that goes on forever.

Or, at least thats an idealized view of the world. And certainly exists in many many stories.

And i think that'd be cool if thats what they are doing in Willow.

Anyways, I sound like that Charlie Kelly meme so Im gonna go now lol

Me after I eat a weed gummi and think about Willow too much.

[fostercare-expat]

Brought Fearless to kayaking class. It was great. Coaches said he was well behaved and attentive.

And I found out that one of the reasons that Fearless has been acting out is because his mom is losing her temper and slapping him. Of course he is kicking her if she is slapping him. She only told me the part where he kicked her. She failed to mention her own actions. I talked to her and she was honest. This is definitely something that we need to talk with his counsellor about. It doesn’t fit the definition of abuse in my book, but better that other people determine that.

After the great Kayaking experience, Fearless decided to self sabotage and deliberately defied me after I calmly gave him a chance to behave, I counted down from 5 slowly while he stared me dead in the face. So the consequence that I came up with in the moment was that he couldn’t go home with mom, and he had to stay the night at my place. (In retrospect I deeply regret this because it caused me 3 hour of drama after.) He wanted to go home with this mom, she wasn’t thrilled with my choice but she was supportive, he was upset, stated multiple times he wasn’t going home with me, I explained that when he chooses to misbehave, there are consequences. We all sat for while to let him cook off, he agreed to get on the subway, but when it was my stop, he didn’t want to get off, so his mom and I forced him to get off the train, we sat on the bench on the platform while he refused to talk, she eventually got on a train and left because she felt he would calm down when she wasn’t around. I spent ONE HOUR AND A HALF on that subway platform with him going through every tool in my parenting toolkit, he mostly just sobbed, and repeated the same phrase “I want to go home. Please let me go home.” I didn’t want to drag him. I tried deep breaths, I tried just a walk around the bench to get his body moving, I offered to skip around the bench, I got strangers involved to try to talk to him, I offered a phone call with his mom, I showed him her texts, I offered we could talk to the station master m, I gave him quiet space, I hugged him, I tried to get him to nap on the bench, I offered we go walk to get his favourite food, I eventually even did a frea.king cartwheel. I never lost my temper or even got frustrated once. He was basically stuck in this mindset of going home and couldn’t really entertain any other idea. He cycled through anger and sadness. But he really had no other rational thoughts. I eventually had to drag him by the arm and he sort of half shuffled along. We finally got downstairs and I called us a taxi because the 15 minute walk to my house would have been 3 hours at that rate. I had to physically pick him up off the ground outside my door and carry him in. He sat on the couch completely cationic, like a zombie, just repeating “I want to go home. I want to go home.” I offered him a shower, or to go to sleep but he was just somewhere else mentally. I got him some cold water, he just held it in his hand. I put it to his mouth and he took some sips and then said “Thank you” and he smiled. And it was like a switch had been flipped. He was laughing and joking within 30 seconds. He ate dinner and he was able to talk about what happened. He remembered all the things I tried to get him to do, but he just said he really wanted to go home and couldn’t do those those things. He did say that my cartwheel almost made him smile, so that showed he did actually have some brain function, like he wasn’t just mentally absent, and he said talking to the strangers was good. We made a video for his “Future Self” about what to do next time he get stuck in that defiant mindset. I’m going to share it with his counsellor. I think we need to work on three big things

1) Understanding bad behaviour leads to negative consequences. He ended up being MISERABLE for about 2 hours even though he had many opportunities to just listen to the authority figure and everything would get better. Dont misbehave the first time is the best strategy, but if he does mess up, then take the second chance being offered, don’t double down on the misery.

2) Awareness when he gets “stuck” and coming up with some ways to get unstuck. He needs to play an active role in controlling his own emotions. The fact that he said my cartwheel almost made him smile and that talking to the strangers calmed him down a bit makes me thing he does have some control in those moments, he’s not totally cationic. He needs to build on top of that.

3) Acceptance that just because he wants something, doesn’t mean he gets it. His mom has brought this up as well. He genuinely seems to think “Well, I want to go home so I will get to go home.” I tried to talk to him about other option, any ideas he had about other things to do, “but he kept just saying “But I want to go home”. He has a highly egotistic view of what he wants if more important than what the adult is telling him. This happened with the situation with the Principal last year too. She told him he couldn’t keep the beetle he captured as a pet and he damn well thought he should be allowed and he couldn’t see any other perspective.

I’m exhausted. Tomorrow I’ve got most of the day solo parenting ahead of me. I’m sending Fearless home as soon as he wakes up (as I promised him when he kept saying he wanted to go home) and the 3 kids go home at 3:30. I’ve got my mom coming over to take care of my girls and I’ve got a blissful 3 hours without kids to enjoy until I need to get to sleep, and then wake up on Monday and tackle 2 big deadlines that I must do. It’s all too much lately. I’m not my normal happy self. I’m really looking forward to January. Unfortunately it’s only October…

[faiiryteethh]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

[sambambucky]

Wip game: lol that one movie but a horror fr

hiii ty! so... it's a space horror...? in the middle of a long range mission to relocate an entire population to a new planet across the galaxy, an error causes sam to wake up long before he was supposed to.

bucky, the only other human awake, has the terrible responsibility of informing sam that there's no way to put them back into cryosleep and they don't have enough supplies to survive the trip. they'll die on the ship together, lightyears before they ever make it to their destination.

maybe a space tragedy..? spoilery outline/rambling under the cut!

ok so i did have to look it up because i did not ever watch the movie, but this is vagule based on passengers (2016), more specifically on an episode of a podcast that i dont actually listen to anymore (miss you mid 2010s era Cracked podcast) where they would sometimes talk about 'bad' movies that had the potential to be WAY better if you changed a character or the ending or focused on a different part (hancock is one of my fave examples of this and i WILL die on that hill)

again, i dont know what happens in the actual movie, but in the fic..

-sam starts in denial, and bucky dutifully goes through the motions of trying to help sam fix their cryopods even though you can't; he's already spent an eternity trying everything -they hate each other, actually. seriously. they spend all of their time yelling at each other, and then sniping at each other, then just bickering, and eventually mostly just talking, getting to know each other -naturally something goes wrong, a classic space accident. they think fast and work in sync to save the rest of their sleeping crew and passengers, and well, there are worse people they could have been stuck with -bucky has to tell him. eventually -they fuck with the AI, dance in zero g, read books to each other, watch movies on a tiny screen, pull up the ship's manifest and make up stories about the people they'll never meet

-they pile into a tiny bed and dream about what they could have been if they'd met 50 years ago on inhabitable earth -they fall in love, or, whatever version of love there is to find between two people who only have each other in the oppressive vastness of space

-bucky confesses to sam, can barely make himself say the words but, he tells him that the only malfunction was with his cryochamber, that the only reason sam was defrosted is because bucky's a bad person, half crazy with loneliness by the time he even let himself think to do something so terrible, and he still tried not to do it, but his selfishness won out in the end -sam calls him a monster, a murderer, and swears to never speak to him again for the rest of their lives -they spend six sleep cycles apart, ten more not speaking, before sam chooses to forgive him. what else can he do? -the space ship - their prison, their home - is struck by space debris, or is attacked by pirates, does it even matter? bucky's bleeding out, bucky is dying in sam's arms, using his last breath to tell sam he loves him, to apologize, to swear that this time with sam has been the happiest time in his entire life

-so sam has to do this alone

-sam can do this alone

-he follows a routine, he takes care of himself and the ship

-he misses bucky more than he can even comprehend

-he grieves the future he was promised, the person he was supposed to be

-and, thanks to Cracked Podcast!!!, it closes with sam looking grave, mouth in a thin, unhappy line. his hand hovers over a glowing green 'defrost' button

[partyswirl]

False alarm for the gooieducks thing

just posting this cause people were rbing my post it was a glitch with me specifically cause console is glitchy, im now crashing much less. dont wanna spread misinfo oopsies

it might have been an issue with how many creature interactions were happening at once cause i was in subterranean, now im in sunken pier and I haven’t crashed yet and am lagging much less

so it was a false alarm but i think being in the same room as your slup while it eats takes some amount of processing which probably pushed my already weirded out game to the edge.

still dont know why the crash was so strange usually it exits me out of the game and is like “oops an error occured9 but for this one i had to actually turn off the console which is weird

also i had a weird glitch with a flashbang earlier so that certainly wasnt helping loading

console slups are weird

more stuff to know under cut, mostly glitches ive encountered incase you want to know them a lot of them have to do with either gourm or slips.

didnt mean to write this long but apparently i am rain world technical difficulties georg

pipeyard slups

sleeping in pipeyard yeets your slups so if you find a slugpup in pipeyard/already have a slugpup and enter pipeyard, either try to move out of the region same cycle or dont get attatched to the sluppy. i havent seen this issue in any other region yet but be careful

gourm wall clipping

maybe this is an individual thing as well but sometimes i clip into the wall as gourmand when im going through a pipe. i dont know why. it’s only happened in outskirts so far but idk. each time ive had my slup on my back and they come out unscathed so thats good.

id just keep walking to the side opposite where i shouldve come out of the pipe, and threw the spear and rock i was holding and i’d come out the other side most of the time so yea

time travel is bad

if you remember my time travelling thing yea be careful of time travel. if the region changes significantly during the timeline and you havent been to its updated state, DONT PASSAGE THERE.

it will send you to the state you’ve already seen, not the updated place. go to an adjacent region instead and then travel by foot there and it should be fine.

i got stuck in glitched shoreline and my spear is in purgatory yet unless i reset its playthrough or somehow achieve another passage or escape normally which is really hard as spear cause theres not a lot they can eat lol. also it crashes a lot as well

slup wall clipping

ive had a couple instances where either my sluppy somehow clips into the wall or goes into the pipe and disappears.

this also happened on gourm, might be a subterannean issue, it happened multiple times when i was going into the room with the monster kelp that has the scavenger toll to the upper left. either die to restart w your pup or theyll just be gone not much you can do from my observation

slup centipedes

not a glitch but if your sluppy wont grab baby centipedes alive sometimes theyll still eat them if theyre dead. spear it first and throw the dead centipede at them, maybe theyll eat it. try a few times. probably the same for noots. also sluppies will die to shocks from adolescent centipedes so b careful with those.

slup shelter

forst off, just because a slup spawned in a shelter does not mean it has eaten. sluppies will not have eaten on their first cycle so you have to feed them or let them have a starve cycle.

also sometimes if you walk into a shelter at full food it will instantly close not giving your slup time to follow you in.

if you close the game before you can fall asleep it will count as a death and send you back to the last shelter. i believe this is the only way to not just get your slup basically disappeared

dropwig gourm yeet

dont try to do the thing where you run past dropwigs and then stab them backwards as gourm. for some reason dropwigs are more likely to hit gourm, bigger hitbox??

and they yeet me into the stratosphere like 90% of the time, and stunned the whole time they just insta grab you after and it’s game over. they also seem to instakill me more often as gourm but that’s probably bad luck. anyway dropwig alley (the outskirts place) is way more dangerous soo yea

rain world on switch is super broken and weird

[honeybeewhereartthee]

PINK KKOMAS KOHAKU OUKAWA 73

Spoiler for my stories

Dear my winter cycle friends.

Hi! This is kohaku! I am actually going to send this letter to you guys. I'm actually worried about someone. Through I'm always worried about people those day, but those days I think they'll be fine untill this little event happened which the context of the letter I have!

I don't know how to explain it since It happened when I pass out... After seeing Doll memories with the help of Sea. To the context of the memories.(• ▽ •;)

I rather not say, it's a classified information after all, it's bad for my heart to remember something like that again, I run a fever after I pass out that time! Anyway, it's not about me, don't worry too much. Since I'm well now. (´･ᴗ･ ` )

back to the main topic! Actually. My friend mad hatter -- no, I mean. Blood, disappear for couple of days. Almost a week even. His mansion disappear too. Even the cool one in the deep sea.

Bee spouse seems to notice what's up but never told us anything. They just said " it's matter of their world rule" or something Along the line. Doll wanted to question them but they left to fix something. Bee seems worried about it too but he stayed behind like always. He seems to finally snap out from whatever making his eyes turn peach for some reason.

When I'm writing this, blood already been found, he was kinda... Strangely normal. Which is abnormal, even doll who wish upon violence upon blood like it's normal thing like breathing to him don't move against him. Blood thought all of us are siblings through.

The kaname Toujou of his world is no longer a kid but on his canon age and he takes blood away before he can say anything. Blood don't show up for one day, he did appear again after he sneak out.

Which is weird. Since all of us is just different version of one character.

But explaining it to him seems strange so we all just agree. Blood said some weird stuff. He said Grey-han was apologizing again for something.

.

.

Laughing at it, and being back to his normal self... Kinda. He seems more "less dark and burden some" like he was before. But his more happy now while holding a cat, who seems sleeping all the time, or rather suspicious unconscious as blood put ribbons and dress on them. (ㆀ˘･з･˘)

Blood is weird with his cat. I think his cat is his world mc and bee spouse baby or something. Which is complicated.

There was another fact about his cat:

They smell like death, a soul that shouldn't be among the living, also the stench of blood(literal one) and lives that seems to be offer to the little cat...

It's kinda .. unpleasant feeling when I'm around that cat. Probably cause I'm a reaper of death Esther way.

I want to take the cat and sent them to the afterlife train tbh. But blood probably won't like it, but also it's like the conductor won't accept that kind of case either...

It's very complicated... I dont want want those scary conductor chasing me with Guns, swords and alikes if I cause trouble and work load for them. And my friend would hate me if I did.

Btw!! Those people I speak above are My new friends I happily and thankfully meeting. sorry for not saying more about them. I honestly don't know much but they are fun batch.

We also have sea who's a kraken and can do some potion and magic, he don't speak much.... Like he only speak one word every thousand word a person says to him. We also have that mofumofu moth kid (i dont see them for weeks now but bee spouse said they are playing with baby moth kana in the gallery), bee spouse forcedly adopted with bunch of other kids.

Anyway I have to go now! I actually forget the reason I start this letter. Others are forcing me to fasten my writing!

I can't wait to see you all soon.

Reaper of Spring

Kohaku Oukawa

[dirhwangdaseul-archived]

what are your in depth thoughts on russian doll, if you have any you dont mind sharing? that show fucking broke me

this is like one of those things that i don't think i could ever answer, it exists in conversation with so many other things and i tried anon i tried answering it but i get overwhelmed so easily these days, ive been mostly surviving these years and much like nadia

it all seems a rush, and a bore, and like things are more real when they're out of focus but that's a lie because i've been surviving, i don't know what life is like but at moments, and some people would say that's how happiness works, but some people don't know what it's like to live in poverty and with ghosts that were born inside you and ghosts that are given to you through heritage and culture

i feel like russian doll got me on that level like the poverty part even moreso in part 2, because i feel like a huge part of surviving it's having the means so that what you've learned can be passed onto others and even tho i have felt small most of my life once i gained a sense of self i did feel like i could tell whoever was willing to hear me that they didn't have to suffer for life and well there's so much more i could say but i don't feel like i could do it justice

there's a careful attention to history and family that i adore, that nadia can get to contextualize her story with that that the whole world tells it's also very precious to me, i feel like even if it's unintentional it exists in conversation with things like cien años de soledad and the sopranos both speak about mental illness but simply illness and rot at the heart of certain parts of our heritage, but when i say rot, i mean it in the sense of possibility for growth and so much more, both good and bad, both happy and sad, both filled with grief and love, so you know, possibility like if nadia knows her past and learns to hold onto it without losing the present.... ah but they also showed how hard those lessons come by, is it our society's propensity to leave us isolated, is it pride that is inherent to the self changing and becoming and accepting other worlds?

like the way alan and nadia held on to the wrong things so they think their big actions are the ones changing their fate when it's that contrarian desire and fear of change and their personalities ultimate that have a bigger hold in their ancestors family and like it's so heartbreakingly beautiful how they end up repeating the cycles of their family despite telling themselves they had been different than those that came before them or that they were honoring them but their own selves always break through, either fear or impulsiveness they still fall back into themselves as they walk the steps of their families and like what do i do with that what i do with that, if the past cant change can it at least hold a different meaning like can it at least do that?????

my grandpa died recently and i do feel like sometimes magical realism is sth not one soul will understand but the people living it here under their latin american roofs, but russian doll's actually gave me hope for literature's heart, it really did, it understood what it means to live within spaces that won't allow for you to not seem them as alive as you, as growing as you, it won't allow you to walk without the ghosts of the history we have made, even if you want to ignore it, the ghosts are there and they want release

on august 8th my grandpa died, i entered my formal job again, im a teacher and i couldn't sleep the entire night, we had been dealing with an infestation and we've been doing weekly culls. i get nervous on first days so i went without any sleep to school from the first hour cause i asked for more hours, i actually enjoy teaching so much, i couldn't tell you however how that first day went, confidence isn't my strong suit

i didn't find out my grandpa was dead till the next day, after the first class i went to the bathroom, and i found a bedbug in a hoodie i took for the cold, it was on the sleeve hidden between the folds, probably came from some place it was hiding in my room in the morning, very thin, shining red still however, but not a drop of food in it, i was disgusted ofc because i was at school i just took it and squashed it, but it felt weird, almost like sth else leaving us

if i referenced cien años de soledad it wasn't on accident, i feel like gabriel garcía marquéz captured sth of what spain really left behind and i have come to realise that it makes sense that some of the brokenness i feel in méxico it's probably in colombia and many other latin american countries, a similar rot, unattended, unable to grow, when i squashed that bug it felt like the ending of the infestation and from that day on we haven't seem any living bedbug and i got home late in the afternoon, my parents were speaking of their inability to reach my grandpa, it had happened before but this time they sounded alarmed, they probably had sense it as well, my grandparent already had rejected protecting his heart, it's clear he wanted to go

tuesday came and they went and ofc he was dead, he was dead and i alrready knew it, i already had felt like my grandpa because of what he required to be taken care of because of his age but as well as his stubborness in taking care of himself and being conscious of others he always behaved like the macho with the woman behind him, and my mother wanted that for me, im neither a man nor heterosexual so that ofc meant if their rot couldn't get in me the normal way, i guess abuse could be an answer as well, idk

anyway like i said what i could say grows infinite, even everything everywhere all at once and on sundays she picked flowers by yah yah scholfield as well feel like they exist in conversation with it like , it's just that sometimes we get to make right as well as peace while alive, and sometimes we get neither and we to just sit with the rot and it doesn't grow till maybe later, and maybe we get to see it die and we really get to grow sth entirely anew, and although it hurts i love the media that says that history matters in ways we never imagined it could because i feel like we keep looking away and it just won't do to keep going forward without sitting a little bit with what's already there like i want the world to stop and stare, just stop and stare, for a single minute maybe, the whole world

[fictionfixations]

The Samsaras Took No Time? / Genshin Theory

GENSHIN SUMERU SPOILERSSS Okay so like you know the samsara from the sabzeruz festival? although Dunyarzad did get more ill i think i have reason to believe that it is possible that the 168 loops (according to Nahida in Scaramouche boss battle cutscene stuff) did not, in fact, take 168 real life days

It is possible that Dunyarzad got more ill because it took more out of her every single loop, which goes in line with how we the Traveler and Paimon got more like tired or something, I can't remember but we had some sort of side effect but thats not the point So.. Okay so we went through 168 loops again with Scara's fight. And I mean, sure, maybe it didn't take a whole day like the Sabzeruz Festival, BUT when in the cutscene we see everyone answering how we fight the false god.. You'd think if we were put to sleep for 168 days someone would be worried af and checking in on us since theyd know we were in the Sanctuary of Surasthana. Perhaps it could be though that Scara was the one asleep, BUT remember how Dunyarzad the fill in acted? Like when Dunyarzad's real consciousness couldn't handle it and was out (and we all thought she died) and a replacement Dunyarzad came in? It'd be so easy to tell that nah, Traveler acting off. SURE that could be because Nahida with her gnosis is the one actually doing it instead of humans but like.. DOUBT???? I mean and even if she had to use a knowledge capsule for us to remember every loop, SO DID THE SABZERUZ FESTIVAL- She had to like unlock our memories or something to remember

id think that if EVERYONE knew about Scara being really close to godhood (i dont remember where but I THINK he said that he was almost done when he and the Traveler met in Pardis Dhyai, and they wouldn't have enough time to properly plan it out, like the '168th loops plan' id think??? everyone still had to do their part cause the traveler still needed to be contained and etc etc etc) then yeah maybe they wouldn't rush in and would trust the traveler to deal with it if they somehow made a good plan, but like...

yknow i dont think id intentionally leave my friend to fight a 'god' without any full on planning first - id think they would at least try to help us? i mean yeah they have their own things--

what was cyno doing? and i mean alhaitham- apparently after his cutscene if you go outside sumeru city(?) or something his guards have been knocked out- so lol? but like then he could do something right?? but i think he was in the desert.. (i know he was meant to be escorted there as another mad scholar to like aaru village)

hm....

cyno couldve been escorting azar to who knows where so i guess we cant fault him for being gone....? (and i mean the other corrupt sages prob....?)

and sURE dehya was dealing with the matra in the grand bazaar (and i think nilou too if i remember right) but id think theyd be able to deal with them and then provide help should they have known

and sure tighnaris still in pardis dhyai nursing his wound and keeping watch over haypasia

i just

damn where are yall, i may have an archon on my side but fuck man HES HUGE

ALSO THANK FUCK EVERYONE IN SUMERU IS SMART, couldn't have done this otherwise, like bruh even if we saved nahida we would be absolutely fucked fighting scara with no other loop knowledge (DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE LOOP??)

Added note: Do you think the people in the desert went through a samsara too? In the Scara cutscene she said that the people of sumeru had to go through 168 loops and samsara cycles, but I mean sure 'people of sumeru' could count as the desert AND the forest, people DO refer to the people of the forest and the people of the desert to be different as if different races so like...

and we never knew did we? I mean what was going on with cyno and alhaitham? what about collei and tighnari?? well actually i think alhaitham knew or something? i swear there was some mention about the sages big project.. i THINK alhaitham asked about it to cyno but i REALLY cant remember their dialogue rn

WAIT NO, ANOTHER ADDED NOTE:

no the desert and the forest probably did not go through it. Why? Because when we tried to leave the I think Sumeru City because I think thats where the Grand Bazaar was in the Samsara, we were kicked out of the dream and forgot. AND its all controlled by like the akasha!!! The desert dont wear those, nor do the forest.

[transmascnaotoshirogane]

If you are often on your devices, have you tried red light filters? I am aware it may seem confusing, but red light filters actually do help quite a bit. Blue light is the natural output of most modern electronic devices, and blue light prevents the natural production of melatonin, thus making it more difficult for one to fall asleep at night. Normally, melatonin would naturally build up over the course of the day, but prolonged exposure to unnatural lighting like blue light provides can definitely lead to complications like the insomnia you seem to be experiencing regularly. It can also be a result of high stress environments, as cortisol can heavily impact sleep (and, incidentally, I seem to recall an earlier post regarding monthly cycle irregularity, which can also be caused by high amounts of cortisol). I may stand corrected on this, but it sounds like it could be a mix of a lot of things. I also wouldn't be surprised if it's a neurodivergency thing, as I know rather well that a lot of conditions under that umbrella can lead to insomnia.

...aaaaa I did not intend to ramble but there are a lot of things that I can think of that could be causing this issue?? I don't know exactly how to help with the information I've gathered so far, but I'm at least going to try to help the best I can

okay so, ND people actually seem to struggle more with insomnia/hypersomnia/both than NT people apparently?? thats what the NHS website says anyways. but that does mean this is probably related to me being a bunch of flavours of neurodivergency in one body--

it also could be stress though, i stress about. too much. everything and anything.

I dont know what a red filter is but i will probably try and figure it out to see if it helps me in any way,

ty! i actually really appreciate the fact you care enough to ramble aha 💞💞💞

[onionsaremeansstuff]

Can I request a Dean fanfic? Where he and the reader broke up and the reader finds out he’s pregnant with Deans baby (yes mpreg) and a few months later Dean finds out and tries to get back together with him. The reader didn’t want to be around Dean and advoided him as much as possible but Dean is determined to prove that he is fully committed to him and their baby and won’t stop until the reader and his child are his

after weeks, i wrote it! (sorry, for the 3th time)

sorry for the implicit Cas x reader, i wrote it and just noticed it later.

anyway hope u like it!

Pairing: Dean x reader

Gender: Male

Warnings: Yandere behavior, MPreg

Summary: Dean discovered that he have a son and he will do whatever it takes to get his child and you

I dont own the character or the gif

You were walking towards the motel room door. The rain mixed with your tears as it soaked you and your backpack.

Frustration, sadness, and anger formed in your heart as you remembered what had happened a few hours ago. 

How Dean had broken your heart and ruined your relationship as if your relationship was nothing to him at all. 

Upon entering the motel room, you sat in front of the door, your hands on your face as you cried and thought about what you were going to do now. 

What you were going to do without Dean, without your home, and without your friends. 

You didn't feel that your future would be a promising one. 

-

Weeks had gone by since you had left. 

Right now, your life mainly consisted of going out to buy something to eat, head back to your motel room and watch some cliche movie. 

Until one day, you woke up feeling sick to your stomach. 

'It must be the crap I ate for lunch or my body just decided to punish me for just crying.' You thought, as you vomited in the bathroom toilet. 

Unfortunately, this was a repeated cycle for you every day. Waking up in the morning and throwing up in the toilet. 

You even thought about eating healthier food, but it didn't help the vomiting problem. 

That's when you decided to call Castiel. 

You knew that you shouldn't be calling him since you were probably just sick which is something that everything human goes through, but you couldn't take it any longer. 

When you heard the sound of wings fluttering, you felt the angel wrap his arms around your body. 

"Y/N, have you been staying here all this time? You were gone for weeks and I was worried sick about you! Every time I asked Dean where you were, he ignored me and left the room." The angel said, tightening his arms around you. He pulled back from the hug to look you in the eyes, "Why did you disappear like that?" He asked, tilting his head to the side. 

You looked down at the floor and let out a sigh, "It's complicated, Cas but I need your help." 

"With what?" 

Lately, I've been feeling sick. Every day I wake up and I've tried everything to stop the sickness, but it won't go away. So, could you maybe, cure me?" 

Castiel nodded, and put two fingers against your forehead. 

"What the-" Castiel muttered after removing his fingers from your forehead. You were confused by the angel's reaction. He lifted your shirt up slightly and put his hand on your belly, rubbing his hand over it. 

"What are you doing, Cas?" You asked, feeling the angel's warm hand against your stomach. 

"This makes no sense," He spoke in  confusion as he removed his hand "This shouldn't even have been possible." 

You were starting to get a little scared, "Cas, what's going on?"

"Y/N... there's a baby inside you." 

You let out a laugh and punched his arm lightly, "Oh my God, Cas. You actually scared me for a second. Who taught you how to make jokes?" 

This is too funny. A baby inside you? A guy? Yeah, right.

"I'm not joking around, Y/N. There's a fetus inside you." 

"But, that's impossible, Cas. I don't have a uterus." You pointed out. 

"There is a baby inside your stomach. I felt a baby's presence when I was healing you." Castiel sat on the bed and mumbled words under his breath before disappearing and reappearing a few seconds later with a red-haired woman you recognized all too well. 

Rowena. 

"What's going on here? And why did you bring me to this hotel room, angel?" The witch asked. 

"We need your help." The angel said. 

"Cas, what are you doing?" You asked him. 

"Rowena, Y/N is pregnant and we don't know how it happened. Would you be able to find out?" The angel questioned.

"You could have just asked me for help instead of kidnapped me, angel." Rowena said, approaching you, "But, let's see what happened, shall we?"

Rowena started to speak words in a language you didn't understand while touching your stomach, "Ah, did you face a witch recently?"

"Yes, about three weeks ago." 

"Did she have a red book with a fish and goat drawn on it?"

"Yes." You answered. 

"I already know what happened!" The witch exclaimed, "That book is from an ancient coven that was very pure and strong, but extremely sexist. They did not accept women there." She sat down by your side, "To continue the purity of the coven they created spells to allow male pregnancy, thus maintaining the male-only lineage." She explained. 

"Okay, the story is cool and all, but what would that bitch gain from making me pregnant?"

"Spells can be completely different and just have the intonation of a different letter, dear. Maybe she tried some other spell but ended up doing this one in particular accidentally."

"And how can we get rid of it?" The angel butted in, wanting to help. 

"You can't. Trying to end the pregnancy would cause Y/N to immediately die." 

"Great. Just fucking great. I'm alone, emotionally unstable and pregnant. Oh, this is just fucking great!" You said sarcastically, throwing yourself on the bed. 

"I imagine that you would want to tell Dean the good news."

"What does Dean have to do with this? And besides, we're not together anymore." You replied, sitting up and looking up at Rowena.

"Ah, pity my dear. The spell allows you to become pregnant, but It still needs insemination, meaning the child is Dean's." 

"Just great." 

"Y/N," Castiel approached you, "I know you are scared and worried, but I will be by your side and will always accompany you at all times. If you want my help, of course." The angel offered, a hopeful look on his face. 

You looked at the angel and the hopeful look on his face made you feel like everything was going to be okay. 

"Thanks Cas. I really appreciate it."

---

During the following months of your pregnancy, Castiel remained by your side. Taking care of you and bringing what you needed. 

Even bought books on pregnancy and learning how to take care of the child. 

Rowena came by every month to check on you and the baby. You weren't close, but she knew what a pregnancy was like and wanted to help you, and she also wanted to know how the pregnancy spell worked, but you ignored the fact that you were her little lab rat. 

When the time came, Rowena prepared the spell to take the child out of you. Fortunately everything was painless and soon the baby was sleeping in your arms. 

"I'm glad everything went well," Castiel said, sitting next to you, "Have you decided on what to name him?" 

You looked at Cas in confusion before it dawned on you. You had completely forgotten to think of a name for the child. 

"He's a little angel." You commented,  "Nothing is more fair than receiving the name of one, too. Castiel, meet Castiel Junior." You smiled at him  

"M-My name? Why?" Castiel asked, fumbling over his words slightly in surprise. 

"You helped me with everything, Cas. If it weren't for you nothing would have worked out the way it did, so I wanted to name him in honor of you. The super protective angel." 

"Thank you so much, Y/N. I'm very honored, and I promise to always look after you both." Castiel kissed your forehead before getting up and fetching a bottle for little Castiel. 

---

Five years have passed since the birth of Castiel, or Castie which is what you called him. You moved to a small town and started a new life with your child, away from hunting and monsters.

Castiel still visits you both regularly at least four times a week, honoring his promise to take care of you both and honestly, you're happy that he did.  Looking after a child alone is really difficult.

It's been years since you had contact or heard from the Winchesters. Castiel just gives you news about Sam who you miss a lot. 

Everything was peaceful and you were finally happy. True happiness. 

---

"Are you sure this is going to be a case, Dean?" The angel questioned, "This city doesn't seem to be dangerous. Maybe we should go back."

"What's your problem with coming here, Cas?" The younger brother asked, "Ever since we told you the case was in this town you have been complaining." 

"It's nothing, I just don't think there's a case he-" Castiel couldn't even finish speaking because something or someone hugged him. 

"Papa Castiel!" The child said, "I missed you! Daddy won't let me eat chocolate anymore!"

Cas turned and saw Castie there. He  smiled and picked up the child. 

"Hello little me. I missed you too.  Where's your daddy?" He asked as the child hugged him, and the brothers looked confused. 

"Castiel, what the fu-" Before Dean could  finish his sentence, Sam put his hand over his mouth and looked at him with a disapproving look. 

"Castie! Where did you go?" The three heard a voice that sounded familiar. 

"Daddy I'm here. Papa is here too!" The child yelled back, letting his dad know where he was. 

You recognized Castiel's coat and soon calmed down before you saw that Dean and Sam were there, too. A lump formed in your throat as you approached them. 

"Hello Y/N." Castiel and Sam greeted simultaneously as Dean just stared at you. 

"Where have you been all this time, Y/N?" Sam asked and you could see that hurt look in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry I haven't talked to you in the last few years, Sam. I've been a little busy as you can see." You gestured to your son and picked him up. 

"Yeah. I can see that, but a text message wouldn't kill, you know?" He suggested, and you gave him an apologetic look.

"That's very true. I'll remember that next time, but I'll be taking my leave now. I don't want to disturb you or anything-"

"You are friends of papa and daddy! Come to our house! I have several toys!" He exclaimed excitedly.

"Castie, they are busy now." You said.

"Oh, we're not busy right now. And a place to stay would be great." Dean spoke up for the first time since being there.

"Yay! Come on daddy, they want to see my toys!" He spoke excitedly and you found yourself giving a defeated nod. You knew that something was about to go down and you we're not prepared for it.

You each went to your cars and went to your home.

---

Dean wasn't stupid.

You left him five years ago and now you show up with a 5 year old child who has the same eye color and freckles just like him.

He didn't know how it happened, but he knew the child was his.

And knowing that you hid it from him made him more angry then he cared to admit.

---

You were at your house, Castiel and Sam we're playing with your kid while you made coffee with Dean watching you.

"Papa, can you please get me my puzzle so I can play with the giant!" Castie asked, and you smiled at Sam's bitchface.

You went to Castie's room and were looking for the puzzle when you heard the bedroom door close and turned around to see Dean standing before you.

"Are you psychotic or something? How did you do that?" He pushed you up against the wall with his hand around your throat, "Is he a clone of mine or what?"

His large hand tightened around your throat, "What are you talking about, Dean?"

"The child. He's a copy of me. Did you do any sick spells to copy me?" He questioned, anger getting stronger and stronger.

The tightness in your throat made it difficult to even answer the question.

"Dean let him go, NOW!" Castiel's deep voice came out of nowhere and pushed Dean off you, "The child was the result of a spell, but not done by Y/N himself. He was a victim of the spell." The angel explained and Dean gestured for him to keep going.

Honestly, you would have rather let Dean continue to hate you than know the truth.

"Five years ago, Y/N was hit by a witches spell. The spell was supposed to kill him, but she mispronounced it and ended up casting an old spell that allowed male pregnancy. That's what happened. It wasn't his fault." The angel explained. 

Dean looked back and forth between you and Castiel and you could see pain, hatred, and sadness in his eyes. 

"Leave the room, Cas. I want to talk to Y/N alone." The hunter ordered and started pushing the angel out, or at least tried to. 

"I'm not going anywhere!" Cas stated firmly. 

"You can go, Cas. If anything happens, I know that you're only one prayer away." 

The angel looked at you hesitantly  before nodding and leaving the room. 

Dean closed the door and looked at you.

"We have a son and you never even thought of telling me. The child's father?!" He yelled at the top of his lungs angrily at you for not even bothering to tell him that he has a kid. 

You sighed, "Look, I didn't want to see you after what happened. I was already confused and stressed out about having a damn baby inside me." You sighed again, "I really don't want you here." 

He was so angry that he punched the wall and you flinched slightly, "Dammit, Y/N. He's my son for crying out loud!" 

"Oh, please. Your son my ass." You scoffed bitterly, "I raised him for the past 5 years with Castiel. If he's anyone's son, it's Cas's son." 

"No, Dean," You denied, "You were the one who made me leave you, or don't you remember what you said that night." You stalked forward towards Dean who stood right there in his spot, "Oh Sam, Y/N is just a temporary thing. A way to get free and easy sex. He is not who I want in my future. He is only there until I find someone I really love." You imitated  his speech from that night before walking away and sitting on the bed as Dean stayed silent. 

He rolled his eyes and let out a bitter laugh, "So this is it? You and Castiel? Did you leave me to be him?" That sentence through you for a loop and that made anger that you have been trying to hold in resurface

"I'm just doing what I always wanted. I  got out of the hunting life and your life, and I didn't want to add a baby on top of your plate." You got up and went to the shelf, picked up the puzzle for Castie, "You can go ahead and fuck some girl in a bar, marry her and have a perfect family." You opened the door and left the room wth Dean staring at the ground in regret. 

---

The rest of the day you and didn't speak to each other. He looked at you with a sad expression on his features, but you focused your attention on Sam and your son. 

Cas told Sam everything that had happened in the past 5 years and he offered help if you wanted it. 

Obviously, you accepted his offer and said that he could visit his nephew whenever he wanted.

You offered them the guest room and sofa for them to sleep on. As much as you didn't want to see Dean, you wanted to be able to get your relationship back with Sam.

---

The brothers solved the case in 3 days. They said goodbye and soon left after that. 

During their stay, Dean was restless and always seemed to be thinking about something, but you chose to ignore it and just pretend that the conversation between you two never happened.

---

Days have gone after the Winchesters hunt. Your boss for some reason asked you to leave for a few days. They would be disinfecting the building and you weren't complaining. After all, you could have more time with your son.

Castie had been a little weird in the last few days. He was more reserved and closed off a little. You saw him laughing now and then along with talking to himself, but when you asked him he said his only reply was that it was a secret. You just assumed it was something little children went through, but with your former life, who knows. 

You were in the kitchen, baking a pie. 

Castie, unfortunately was just like his dad when it came to favorite foods.  You just put the pie in the oven when you smelt something strange and vaguely familiar. 

Freakin' sulfur. 

You ran into Castie room where you saw the door was strangely closed and locked. You kicked open the door. 

You ran inside and saw a woman with Castiel on her lap. 

"The young child has Winchester blood inside him. He could be very useful." She turned to face you with her black eyes. 

"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Just leave him alone, please." You pleaded. 

Castiel seemed to be sleeping on her lap while she pointed a knife at his throat. 

"Why should I? Winchester no-" A demon killing bullet went straight through her head before she could finish. 

"Y/N!" A deep voice called out to you, but you ignored it and ran to your soon and was glad to see that he was okay. 

"Y/N is everything okay?" You heard Dean ask and you nodded 

"Shit, that was too close." He exclaimed. 

"This is a perfect example of why I didn't want you to get too close to him. Now, he is a target. Demons and other monsters will be targeting him." You sighed. 

 "Y/N," Dean started, "I know this life is dangerous with everything that comes with being a hunter, but you'd be safer with me." He said and you rolled your eyes, "The bunker is the safest place on earth and-"

"I'm not going to raise my son with any connection to the supernatural world, Dean!" You exclaimed as Castie started to wake up. 

"Daddy? What happened?" He asked,  turning to face Dean, "Father? You came back!" He ran out of your arms and went straight to Dean's. 

"Father?" You questioned. 

Dean looked down at the ground as he ran his fingers through his son's hair, "I told him." 

You looked at him as if you wanted to kill him, and you kinda wanted to. 

In addition to putting your child's life at risk, he made his way back into your life. 

"He needed to know Y/N." Dean tried to reason in with you. 

"Daddy, father. You'll be together with me now, right?" He looked at you with puppy eyes

"Castie your dad and I have problems and I don't think it would be good for"

"We have problems that need to be worked out. Problems that I will overcome and I will not commit again."  Dean spoke proudly, as he took Castie into his arms. 

"Can we please daddy! Father told me that he lives in a fortress! It must be much nicer than our house! There must be lots of toys there!" Castie said excitedly and you wondered what toys could possibly be in a bunker. 

Trying to hide things from Castie didn't work out anymore. The supernatural world wants his head on a silver platter  now and you didn't know if you would be able to protect him by yourself now. 

You really didn't want to go back with Dean, but the bunker is a safe place and you would do anything to keep your son safe. 

You sighed, "Okay, we're going with him, Castie. Go get your things while I talk to your father, okay?"

“Okie dokie! "He happily picked up his toys as you and Dean made your way out of his room and into your room. 

"Just so we're perfectly clear, I'm doing this for him. Do you understand? I don't want us to go back to being how we used to be. Let alone stay in the same room as you. Got that?"

"If that's what you want, Y/N. But, I changed, okay? I have been miserable without you. You are the light of my life,  and I didn't want to admit it and pretended that you weren't important but, without you all I did was drink and-" 

"You used to do that all the time when we were in a relationship together. Seems that you haven't changed as much as you thought you did." You interrupted him, leaving the room to go help your son pack. 

Dean knew it wasn't going to be easy to get you back or even to trust you again. He expected it to be difficult. But, he would get there and he would win you back and would raise his son together with you. 

He had no limits when it came to getting you and son to move into the bunker to be near him and to get you back into his arms. 

Hell, he already hired a demon to almost kill his own son just to scare you. 

But, he didn't die and now you, and Castie are safe and would be living with him. 

The only thing he had to do now was get rid of that damn angel and he could finally have the perfect family he always wanted. 

[keingleichgewicht]

WERE YOU KIDDING ABOUT THE ASK GAME if not i dont have any specific lyrics in mind but i always thought the lyrics to the mill were so cool and maybe you could get some thoughts out of them? :0

YEAH GOD OKAY LET’S TALK ABOUT THE MILL. LET’S TALK ABOUT UHHHHHHHHH [THROWS DARTBOARD]

this line. this MIGHT go on for a while so i will............  readmore

so the mill feels kind of notably different to the rest of the pafl songs, which tend to be unusually literal for lyric, either straightforward retellings of events (punch it, punk!) or character piece monologues set to plot visuals (strike 3) or both (all of them, but for instance particularly comfort zone, which is just dmitry’s horrible manifesto until it gets hijacked by a death sentence in the second verse.) the mill is a lot more like what we expect from poetry these days, which is to say it’s heavy on imagery, low on clarity, and fucking confusing!

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold on to your battered hand Rocked to sleep beneath the snow, she is bathed in youthful glow ‘Strong enough to let it go,’ he says, but darling, I don’t know

a lot of the mill is about circles. this is in the name: a mill is something which turns. a waterwheel is a circle, a grindstone is a circle. it’s even in the melody: the chorus is a cyclic, pentatonic four-note riff that keeps going up and down and up its own ladder, chasing its own tail, not really reaching resolution. and then it’s also in, you know, the story:

the meat grinder!!!! everyone’s favorite fucking hellhole!!!! it is only semi-explicitly identified in the song but that’s because it’s a concept from the source material - both tarkovsky’s stalker and roadside picnic feature the meat-grinder, as a location nicknamed thus by stalkers because it is even more fucking deadly than the rest of the zone, all of which is already ridiculously fucking deadly, and if you’ve seen the movie:

it is more or less instantly recognizable in the mill as well. so here we have a circle! here we have a mill (the title has about seventy double meanings but this is certainly one of them,) and as it turns out, this mill at least will absolutely kill you. and horribly too. interestingly though, in roadside picnic (the book) the meat-grinder is not a tunnel, and it’s not round - it’s just a nondescript patch of ground which will wring you out like a dishcloth and kill you extremely dead if you walk into it. on the other hand what we have in the book in terms of circles is the golden ball, which is the equivalent of the movie’s the room, which is, well,

in short both stories ultimately hinge upon the idea that there is a something in the zone which can give you your heart’s desire. anything you want. everything you want. whatever you want. it is infinitely powerful; it is infinitely capable. the catch is that it will only give you what you want. the catch is that giving you what you want is not the same as giving you what you are asking for. the other catch is that in both cases you have to get through the meat-grinder first.

(so, by the way, what the fuck, right? does pafl’s zone have a wish-granting factory? is it also behind the grinder? where were the original trio going when they got themselves fucked up? and did they get there?)

but the point is: the golden ball, the wish-granting factory, is also a circle. it’s just sort of a sphere. it’s a big round fuckin yellow thing. you know, sorta like:

which is THE ONLY TIME yellow is used in occam’s razor not counting the full-colour shots, and it drives me CRAZY, but it is also me going full conspiracy board so let’s not even worry about it. THE POINT IS.

the circle is the death-machine and the wish-machine. neither of these things are really.... very good. the circle, or at least the arc, is also very closely associated with death:

(розовая дуга предрассветного, ‘rose arc of pre-dawn’. if i’ve fucked up that nominative please feel free to stone me to death!) 

in the gdoc notes to message lost ferry briefly refers to the dawn as if it were a good thing, the dawn of hope, which is a usage that sort of agrees with the desolate and deathless hope of strike 3′s ‘everything will pass / a day will come,’ but on the other hand it really is very closely associated with dying. nikolai bites it; nikita bites it; sergei and olga left significant chunks of themselves behind. and the thing about ‘this too shall pass’ is that it’s always true, as is ‘everything ends’, but of course that’s ‘cause the thing that ends might be you. and as we know

dawn is an ending. so that seems concerning!

i think the circle, the arc, the bolt falling back to the ground, is not a good thing. i am getting a little conspiracy board here in general but forgive me, i cannot make you a wholesome answer, my wit’s diseased. i think the circle is an enclosed space. it’s an unbroken cycle. it’s the grindstone. it’s the mill. it’s about what pafl’s always been about: about being trapped, about having no chances, about being bordered upon. the circle’s the geometric figure of equidistance from a given point, and you can walk on it forever, and nothing will ever change; you will never get closer, you will never get further away, you will never get out! the sun rises, the sun sets, and you are no closer to anything you wanted. it’s worth noting that anya’s borderline city, the zone-edge port town she complains is trying to crush all her dreams, her mill

is a circle. (a cog in a machine! a grind-wheel! a cage!)

and yura, whose dreams have already been burned out of him, who starts the series already resigned to never getting out of here, calls it ‘this dire deja-vu’, i am specifically resisting putting the accent marks back onto that, which is to say, it’s a repetition that haunts him. it’s going round and round and getting nowhere.

so if we bring it back around: drawing a line in the sand, as the phrase is generally used, means setting a border, means saying this far and no further. often it’s yourself you’re setting the border for. you hit some divide you can’t abide crossing so you say this stops here, it may be too early or too late, but i say it stops here. so logically: drawing a circle in the sand means you’ve locked yourself in completely.

I’ll draw a circle in the sand, drive myself around the bend in a desperate attempt to hold your battered hand

the whole first half of this song, i think, is olga promising to grind herself down in a hundred ways if it means she won’t be left alone. how hard can it be to never let it overflow? she may feel lower than the low, she may wish she could just disappear out here, into the postindustrial rust, but though it gets harder all the time she will keep pretending. she isn’t going to burden sergei, or indeed anyone, with her problems, her fears, her scars. she is hurt, but she’s used to it, she’s gotten used to being haunted long ago. she keeps her bad eye covered. she stays within her circle she has drawn. she keeps going round and round. she will take the smallest sliver of human connection and be happy, she promises she will be happy, she promises she won’t ask for more, she will take just the ‘hello.’

but you knooooow it’s not true. you know it’s grinding her down, that she’ll be milled to nothing pretty soon, and really she knows it too.

i am perhaps seventy percent sure that this line is a reference to the windmills of your mind by michel legrande, which features such lines as

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind

which on one hand seems sort of obscure to be a purposeful reference but on the other hand would be a hell of a coincidence if it wasn’t, wouldn’t it. either way it characterizes circles ambiguously, but definitely unsettlingly. going around in circles is chasing infinity, but what in god’s name would you do with it if you caught it? what are you even hoping to accomplish? and: 

the second half of this song is bitterer, sharper - staring down the mouth of the meat-grinder she’s a little more willing to admit to herself that this is going nowhere. she is running out of cages to keep herself in. she is very tired. it’s easy to say why don’t you leave it all behind, it’s easy to say, she’s strong enough to let it go, it’s easy to say, too strong to die. it is a lot harder to actually live.

this is also where the flashbacks admit to us how badly hurt they really were - sergei with his whole side in shreds, she still hides her eye but at least we get to see it’s bleeding. this moral compass is forever misaligned, she says, so there is damage, and it is lasting. and she can’t settle for hello, she can’t live like this, she needs someone by her side. the trouble is whether she can believe she has any hope of getting that

as for who ‘her’ is, or the ‘she’ of ‘she is bathed in youthful glow’, i figure there’s two possibilities: either it’s nadya, who haunts olga too, because nikita’s abandonment of nadya represents exactly what she most fears for herself, or it’s olga’s younger, unbroken, binocular self - both of whom were so young, and so easily hurt, and are now unfindable.

and then there’s this conclusion: ‘the sun will rise, until then / i’ll be waiting for you on the other side.’ which maybe is a sort of hope after all? she’s reached no real conclusions in the zone - she knows there must be hope but she can only barely believe in it - she thinks she is destined to self-destruct. but on the other hand she still has that, a version of sergei’s own ‘a day will come’

you may be hurt, but if you can hold yourself together, you can hope for a dawn someday. an ending. a change. but the trouble’s that there’s more than one kind of ending. and there’s more than one meaning for other side. there are cages, and then there are cages. and you know what else looks like a tunnel, a circle?

staring down the barrel of the gun.

[ilyumeno]

back at that party

soukoku fic.

angst w/ fluff

a/n: i recommend listening to found/tonight by lin manuel miranda while reading this.

Another club day, another day of getting drunk out of his mind, he was tired of this cycle of back to back hangovers. he kept going to this club because of his friends, not because he genuinely wanted to get drunk, he liked wine but there’s some days where he just doesn’t want it. there’s this guy that keeps catching his eye though, just cant seem to find the courage to walk up to him and ask for his number, come on now Chuuya all you gotta do is walk up to him and ask for it. he was a brunette with brown reddish eyes, he was tall and surely taller than Chuuya, perfect.

he seemed to have gotten the courage to walk up to the brunette, the way he towered over Chuuya was something he really enjoyed but he seemed familiar. “Oh hey there, what are yo- wait Chuuya?” the brunette said, Chuuya knew who this was, it was Dazai. “not once in my life did i think i’d see you, at a club” Chuuya felt like walking away and throwing up in a toilet but he couldn’t take his eyes off him, the outfit he was wearing was to Chuuya’s interests, everything about it got Chuuya riled up. “if you’re gonna keep staring like that, i might as well take you to bed at this point Chuuya” Dazai said with a smile, Chuuya didnt mind the idea, he actually liked it so he agreed.

The very next morning, they woke up in the same bed with major headaches, “you’re kidding me, i actually let you take me to bed” “you did and you definitely seemed to enjoy it last night” Chuuya just looked away in disbelief. He let this man get his way again, something he said he’d never do ever again, was he afraid of Dazai or something? “Chuuya, you’re looking away again don’t tell me you-“ “Why did i have to see you again Dazai?” Chuuya said sitting up this time, he was disappointed in himself. “I dont know Chuuya but I can leave you alone again if you want” “even if you do that i dont know if i will ever stop running into you” they weren’t destined lovers or anything, they were just fuck buddies, that’s all.

“Chuuya we don’t have to keep this relationship any longer, admit it” “admit what Dazai?” Chuuya raised his voice that time, scary, spine chilling. “admit you have feelings for me, you wouldn’t just run into me this many times” “no, i dont have feelings for you, you’re just a quick fuck buddy that’s all alright? leave me alone” Chuuya said bringing the covers up and laying down again, Dazai sat up with a sad look on his face, “i cant blame you for feeling that way but Chuuya-“ “Dazai listen i dont wanna talk about it, can you just please shut u-“ Chuuya was cut off by a kiss, what the fuck was this? was this some kind of proposal to something? what was dazai thinking? “Chuuya just hear me out ok? I love you why can’t you just-“ “Cause i dont wanna accept the fact that i love you back, i thought it was just a simple thing you’d feel after sleeping with someone but no, it wasn’t” Chuuya said clearly angry, Dazai felt like he was tearing more out of Chuuya than he meant to.

“Chuuya i-“ “you got what you wanted right? it’s either take it or leave it” Chuuya just pulled the covers over himself and tried to fall asleep again, “I wish you would just let your walls down more, Chuuya i’ve loved you for as long as i can remember” “don’t just say things like that” he tightened his grip on the covers. “Chuuya just answer this one question and we can get this over with, do you want me or not?” “i do want you, i want you Dazai” Dazai smiled and practically jumped onto Chuuya, he was more than surprised but he embraced it as he turned around and hugged Dazai, it was warm and felt like peace.

i hope you enjoyed that teeny little story, i hope it wasn’t too long! it might be a little ooc but its fine! i enjoyed writing it and i hope you enjoyed reading it!

[cassyapper]

jotaro kujo song analysis: “eight” by sleeping at last

i could not figure out what the fuck to title this for a long time. please forgive me ik it’s awkward but it’s the best i got

anyway the song “eight” by sleeping at last made me mentally ill so let’s get into why <3

here’s a link to the song: https://youtu.be/obi4KCh6eHQ

here’s a link to the lyrics i referenced: https://genius.com/Sleeping-at-last-eight-lyrics

be warned there are part 3, part 4, part 5, and part 6 spoilers in this

with that let’s begin.

“I remember the minute;/it was like a switch was flipped --/i was just a kid who grew up strong enough/to pick this armor up,/and suddenly it fit” Lengthy first line to start this on i know but cutting it up didn’t make sense so please forgive me… Alright let’s get to the meat of this hm? This line is about when jotaro first manifested star platinum. “I remember the minute, it was like a switch was flipped” fits perfectly with how suddenly and obviously star platinum became known to its user, as jotaro first manifests it when he’s in the middle of a fight, a fight star platinum ends very quickly and brutally. The “i was just a kid who grew up strong enough to pick this armor up” is about jotaro having the willpower to control a stand such as star platinum and not get ill over it. He “grew up strong enough to pick this armor up”, this armor being star platinum (which, yes, star platinum is armor more than a weapon because its strength is used to protect. This is stated explicitly in the jin hashimoto song “star platinum” which was written specifically with jotaro/star platinum in mind, as the title suggests). It also shows how young jotaro was re the “kid” description; he was only 17, the youngest jojo up to that point. the “and suddenly it fit” also mixes with how suddenly star platinum manifested, particularly how jotaro gained passable control over it very quickly

“God, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…/I was little, I was weak, I was perfectly naive,/and I grew up too quick.” Another long line im sorry it just doesnt make sense to cut it up 😭 Anyway this is part 6 jotaro reflecting on his past self, PARTICULARLY part 3 jotaro, which explains the “god, that was so long ago, long ago, long ago…” segment “I was little, i was weak, i was perfectly naive” is kinda gold coming from part 6 jotaro cause end of part 3 jotaro is canonically when he’s at his strongest but i dont think part 6 jotaro is talking about star platinum in this line. He’s talking about jotaro being tactless and rude and pushing away his loved aways in a disillusioned attempt to keep them safe. By part 6, jotaro has to have known his coping mechanism of self-imposed isolation wasnt fair to his loved ones/himself and it clearly didnt WORK as evidenced by jolyne’s situation, so he’s cursing his younger self for it here. Hence, the calling of part 3 jotaro “little, weak, perfectly naive.” part 3 jotaro starts making the bed that part 6 jotaro ends up having to lay in and he hates him for it. The “and I grew up too quick” part is jotaro acknowledging his trauma. Even before part 3 started jotaro clearly had issues and they just kept building and building and building from part 3 and on. Combined with his self-imposed isolation, jotaro had to grow up quick to survive, and this line is part 6 jotaro reflecting on that

“Now you won’t see all that i have to lose,/all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it.” Remember the self-imposed isolation i mentioned in the last line? This line is about why jotaro does that. He hates being vulnerable. He hates relying on others. We only see him comfortable trusting others to take care of things ONCE the entire series, during the steely dan arc, when he believes in kakyoin’s abilities to keep joseph safe and get the lovers out of him safely. ONCE out of the four parts he’s featured in, out of the three he’s prominent in. jotaro does this, as i previously mentioned, out of a disillusioned attempt to keep those he loves safe, hence the “now you won’t see all that i have to lose” line. This behavior is solidified in jotaro at the end of stardust crusaders, when the two final times he tried to trust that others would handle it resulted in the deaths of over of half those he cared the most about (he may have gotten joseph back, but don’t forget that joseph did actually die). Thus, this decisive night ties into the “all i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” line. He’s lost loved ones but he won’t lose them again, not in the same way at least. Ironically, the self-imposed isolation only puts his loved ones and himself in danger, but i can get into that later.

“I won’t let you in, i swore never again --/i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” This line kinda ties back with what i was mentioning in the last line, but it hones it a bit more on jotaro’s complete denial of being vulnerable rather than how he acts to ensure he isnt such. “I wont let you in, i swore never again” is a direct tie-in for how jotaro feels after stardust crusaders; he is never going to get as close to anyone or anything the way he was close to the crusaders ever again. Nothing is ever going to matter to him the same way and he is going to make sure of that, as the “swore never again” implies, because he is certain, at least at first, that this will keep others safe. The “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” part goes into how selfish and arrogant jotaro’s mentality is. Don’t get me wrong, jotaro’s self-imposed isolation can be seen as selfless, especially because the main driving force behind it is to keep others safe -- but it’s not the only force driving it. Like i said, jotaro doesn’t want to be vulnerable, and to be sure he doesnt feel that way, he needs to ensure he won’t be hurt. Can’t be sad when people die if you were never close to them, right? So as much as it is to protect others, he also is protecting himself by closing off from others. It’s also arrogant of jotaro to assume he is the deciding factor of who lives and dies, that he gets to choose/manipulate the cycle of life and death by deciding on if he opens up to others. Jotaro had this mentality of being a “deciding factor” shoved into his head during the journey to egypt, and that kinda warps his worldview as a result; everything must be his fault. Things go bad surely because he let them somehow. And it’s not jotaro’s fault he’s ill in the head like this but it is still arrogant, and the “i can’t afford, no, i refuse to be rejected” line attests to this.

“I want to break these bones until theyre better/i want to break them right and feel alive” Oh jotaro you have the shittiest fuckign coping mechanisms Alright. “I want to break these bones until theyre better” ties into jotaro throwing himself into dangerous situations alone. He’s just so so damn convinced he can handle everything himself -- bc again, he is led to believe he is the deciding factor of life and death -- he just has to try. If things go wrong, it’s bc he didn’t try hard enough, hence the “break these bones until theyre better”; jotaro will hurt himself and will be convinced he deserved it until he “learns” how to be perfect like he’s “supposed” to be. But being perfect isnt something you can learn, you mentally ill motherfucker jotaro. anyway “I want to break them right and feel alive” ties into the fact jotaro would rather break his body over and over and over rather than tell his loved ones he cares. The only right way to be hurt to him is taking a hit that was meant for those he loves. Jotaro is very much a man of action rather than a man of word, and this line is about his rather unique way of acting (that is, getting beat the fuck up over and over) Basically jotaro can’t tell the people he loves that he, well, loves them, unless he is literally dying. Examples of what i mean: jotaro preferred going on a perilous, 50-day journey to just telling holly he loved her; jotaro preferred getting beat over the head with a rock in the lovers arc rather than risk hurting joseph; jotaro preferred to literally get blown up by sheer heart attack rather than tell koichi to his face he is a good kid; jotaro stepped knowingly into a trap for jolyne and had to literally believe he was in fact saying his last words before he uttered “i’ve always cherished you.”

“You were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong --/my healing needed more than time” Oh my GODDDddDDDdcdd im sobbing as i type jotaro your head is so so damn ill Okay so i see him spitting this line towards joseph. Let me explain Joseph would no doubt pick up on jotaro’s ptsd and he’ll do his best to console jotaro over the deaths of their friends. But see joseph is ALSO an ill in the head idiot whose idea of therapy is electroshock and who calls ptsd “shell shock”. So all he can offer to jotaro is “youll feel better in time” because that was kinda true for him; he managed to move on in time. What joseph fails to realize is what made him feel better was not time, but the support of those remaining in his life (lisa lisa, suziq, erina, smokey). But jotaro listens and tries to give it time but the thing with jotaro is he just gets worse and worse as time wears on because he deliberately cut himself off from anyone who could console him (as well as got continually traumatized throughout his life), so time never helped but actually made things worse. Thus jotaro spitting “you were wrong, you were wrong, you were wrong, my healing needed more than time”. In terms of timeline, probably happens right after part 5 jotaro stares longingly at the crusaders picture

“When i see fragile things, helpless things, broken things/i see the familiar” Im sorry every new line i start to analyze i begin crying so im just letting you all know incase the coherency takes a dip (as if this was coherent in the first place lmfao) Anyway so this line in relation to Jotaro is about how he projects HARD on the new generation. We see this w his interactions w josuke and koichi, the “fragile things” (there is no way he didnt see koichi as a filler for kakyoin im sorry. Also he just wants josuke safe with his friends like how he wished he was safe with his own friends as a teenager), how he was wary of giorno, “the helpless things” (jotaro is scared he’ll be similar to his dad, just like jotaro is similar enough to dio to share the same stand power…), and his interactions w jolyne, “the broken things” (angry teen in a prison? Come now). 

“I was little, i was weak, i was perfect too/now i’m a broken mirror” Throwback to the second line. Once again part 6 jotaro is reflecting but the difference here is that part 3 was when jotaro was last unashamedly happy, but more than that, part 3 jotaro was on his way to healing before everything went to shit. like i mentioned earlier, jotaro only relies on someone else completely once, and that happens in part 3. Jotaro is finally able to trust in someone else’s capabilities, which is what he needed to do before he could allow anyone to help him with the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hence, why part 6 jotaro would describe him as “perfect”; because he would’ve been perfect enough if he could just trust in others like that again But as the line suggests, that went wrong. Jotaro is now a “broken mirror,” which alludes to the fact that while he projects onto the kids, the kids (the ones that know him at least) project onto him as well, especially jolyne, because in part 6 she finally figures out her dad’s thought processes, as she is experiencing those patterns of thinking too. Jotaro is a role model for them in the sense of “see him? Do the opposite of what he did” KJ;DNJ;DN;SN

“But i can’t let you see all that i have to lose/all that i’ve lost in the fight to protect it” Same meaning as before mostly but the repetition is important me thinks because it mimics jotaro like frantically trying to remind himself why he must be distant when all he wanted to do was go home to jolyne and be her father

“I can’t let you in --/ i swore never again,/ i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” This means roughly the same thing as the previous line that’s similar to this, but the “i can’t afford to let myself be blindsided” is less about jotaro’s selfishness/arrogance and more about how he believes enemies will use his loved ones against him and how goddamn, it would work, it would work so well because jotaro loves so, so damn much It’s a shame distancing himself didn’t work the way he wanted it to and ended up making his loved ones even more vulnerable than they would have been otherwise

“I’m standing guard,/i’m falling apart/and all i want to do is to trust you” (Begins screaming and doesn’t stop) okay so this line is about jotaro and jolyne during the beginning of stone ocean “Im standing guard” alludes to the fact that jotaro is still desperately trying to appear distant and uninterested even as he attempts to break his fucking daughter out of prison “I’m falling apart” ties into jotaro failing miserably at remaining cold towards jolyne, how he eventually caves in and tells her he loves her in addition to taking a literal bullet for her, using time stop to ensure he can make it to her to do so. and also this line ties into how he is literally physically shot and how his memories and stand are taken from him “And all i want to do is to trust you” is directed towards jolyne of course. God his whole “i’ve always cherished you” ties in with this line; like i mentioned earlier, jotaro by part 6 knows his self-imposed isolation is useless, but old habits die hard and also he was in very deep by the time he accepted there was no reason to go in the first place at all. So he doesn’t know how to change, he doesn’t know how to trust jolyne, it’d been 20ish years since he last trusted someone completely, but god he wants to. He wants to trust her. It’s all he wants to do hence this line

“Show me how to lay my sword down/for long enough to let you through” So continuing from the last line, jotaro just wants to let jolyne in. he wants to learn how to do that. I think this line is actually directed towards his younger self; 17 year old jotaro managed to let in a person once, after all (more than one person in fact, but all the crusaders). This would also make more sense w my interpretation of how part 6 jotaro calls part 3 jotaro “perfect” in this regard Essentially it’s jotaro thumbing through his memories to figure out how his past self gathered the security to trust in someone else wholeheartedly...which makes the fact that pucci steals his memories particularly fucked up in this context

“Here i am, pry me open/what do you want to know?” Another line directed toward jolyne. “Here i am, pry me open” refers to how after jotaro tells jolyne he cherishes her, all cards are on the table. He’s shown vulnerability, might as well go full throttle. So, he’s willing to talk to jolyne for the first time ever, especially because she’s a stand user now “What do you want to know?” ties into jotaro being willing to open up, but also the fact that jolyne doesnt really know her dad ):

“I’m just a kid who grew up scared enough/to hold the door shut/and bury my innocence” Hhnghg begins wailing this line is again about post-egypt jotaro. A lot of jotaro’s like...emotional maturation (and even some physical) occurred during the trip to egypt and immediately afterward. he’s in pain and desperately trying to rationalize a way he can be in control of never letting something like what happened in egypt happen again, hence the “im just a kid who grew up scared enough” “To hold the door shut” refers to how jotaro cut off other people, even the people who used to know him very well, like joseph and polnareff and holly “And bury my innocence” i mentioned this in another line but this bit also refers to how jotaro had to grow up quickly to survive, considering his self-imposed isolation and his life path of chasing down dio’s remnants

“But here’s a map, here’s a shovel/here’s my Achilles’ heel” This line is SUPPOSED to be directed toward jolyne but inadvertently it is also directed toward pucci. When jotaro says fuck it and gives up on his pretense of disinterest in jolyne, finally letting her know he loves her, he’s finally building the frame of a bridge to jolyne; he’s ready to do what he’s wanted to for so long, no matter how vulnerable it makes him, and that is to be jolyne’s father. However, pucci takes note of this; he knows to aim for jolyne in the final battle because of jotaro’s earlier actions when he tries breaking jolyne out of prison. It really is a shame how the narrative keeps fucking enforcing jotaro’s shitty self-imposed isolation

“I’m all in, palms out, i’m at your mercy now and i’m ready to begin/i am strong, i am strong, i am strong enough to let you in” Hmm i imagine this line being when jotaro meets back up with jolyne after he gets his memory disk back. The first thing he does is hug her and cradle her close to him, showing off to the world, right in front of pucci, how much his daughter means to him. But jotaro, at least for the moment, is not scared to be vulnerable anymore. Ever since he decided to give up his cold facade, he was ready to let jolyne in, and he finally has the chance to do that at least a little right before the final battle, which is what this line is about

“I’ll shake the ground with all my might/i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” Final battle in stone ocean,,, What the “i’ll shake the ground will all my might” line refers to is jotaro’s willingness to use star platinum the world during the battle. He’s ready to go all in to save the world, and most importantly, save jolyne, even if he has to use the source of his greatest trauma to do it. Jotaro’s a key player and he knows it, has known it for a long time, and this time he’s going to use that for his happy ending. And well, as i mentioned in the last line, jotaro’s done with the self-isolation and throws himself into the role of jolyne’s father, at least as much as he has the right to throw himself into. This is mostly what the “i will pull my whole heart up to the surface” line refers to

“For the innocent, for the vulnerable/i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” More stone ocean final battle. The “innocent and vulnerable” jotaro is showing up for are jolyne, namely, but also hermes and emporio, and beyond that, the world. Jotaro understands how serious this is and he’s always been a force meant for protection, so he is here to do just that, which is what the “i’ll show up to the frontlines with a purpose” line refers to. Jotaro doesnt believe he’s a good person -- and he might not be, in the grand scheme of things -- but he does fight for what he believes is right, he always has, he mentions this way back in stardust crusaders during his fight with kakyoin. He’s never going to let injustice stand, especially not when he knows he’s such a key player

“And i’ll give all i have, i’ll give my blood, give my sweat --/an ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” This line actually applies to all the “final battles” jotaro has been involved in; part 3, part 4, and part 6. Jotaro, as i mentioned in the last line, has a strong sense of justice and is a force that first and foremost tries to protect, which the “i’ll give all i have, i’’l give my blood, give my sweat” part of this line refers to. Jotaro gives his all, has given his all, to rid the world of dio’s influence, he ruined his entire fucking life to do so, and this line gives credence to that. “An ocean of tears will spill for what is broken” refers to jotaro mourning all the what-ifs in his life, which are all tied with how the outcomes of these final battles go. If part 3 didnt end the way it did, jotaro would know how to trust still, he wouldve been happy even, maybe he wouldnt have had to sacrifice the rest of his life to dio; if part 4 didn’t end the way it did, maybe jotaro couldve gone home to his daughter, maybe he couldve been a bit of a better dad (this is because kids were involved in part 4 even if they didn’t try to because stand users attract stand users, and jotaro couldnt risk doing that to his daughter, so he ends up never coming home); and now for part 6, jotaro hopes that if it ends just a little better than the previous two, jotaro could at least died a satisfying death of sacrificing himself for jolyne, or maybe even got a chance to try mending his relationship with jolyne if they both survive

“I’m shattered porcelain, glued back together again” So this line speaks to both physical and emotional states Jotaro was physically “shattered porcelain” when he lost his stand and memory and also was shot, and he was “glued back together again” when he got medical attention and jolyne got back his disks Jotaro was emotionally “shattered porcelain” due to the fact he couldnt trust anyone completely since he was 17 goddamn years old but he’s “glued back together again” in the sense he’s ready to finally, finally try and be vulnerable in order to save his relationship with jolyne

“Invincible like i’ve never been” This line hurts so fucking much because i believe jotaro was optimistic, all things considered, at the beginning of the final fight in stone ocean. After all, he knows he’s an important figure in all this, he has his stand disk and memories back, he and jolyne and the others have a plan, and he has a future he wants to fight for in addition to the world’s continued functioning So he feels “invincible” like he’s never felt before because not even during the part 3 final battle with dio did he have the hope for the future he has now. But then. Then pucci brings out the knives. And the man who could control time never had enough in the end. He dies and cant even save jolyne with his death. The world ends. He failed. I think this is perfectly represented with how suddenly the song ends. It just perfectly encapsulates the tragedy that is jotaro kujo and i cant stop fucking thinking about it

thanks for reading all this if you did. jotaro kujo makes me feel mentally ill

[bxthharmon]

Never Go Home Again, Pt. I || JJ Maybanks x Reader

Words: 2667

Series Warnings: violence / talking about abuse / toxic relationships / talking about nudes sex tapes and sex tapes / drugs / underage drinking

Pt. Warnings: self harm (kind of?)

Series Summary: A new girl, a shoebox of old memories, a past she’s trying to forget coincide with a hotheaded, but selfless, boy.  teenagers getting in way over their heads

Pt. Summary: the second time she saw him, it was at a kook party.

A/N: Okay so I KNOW i havent finished WB (im not even halfway lol) but i got this idea from rewatching euphoria. you dont have to look too closely to see that ive mirrored a couple of seens, but the plot, while inspired by euphoria, wont be the same. let me know what you think, or if you wanna be tagged!

Chapters linked in my masterlist.

“masterlist”

This story does follow the plot, so beware of any spoilers.

This town seemed too perfect. Sure, you were on the poor side of the town, but the houses were well kept and everyone was happy and friendly. It was as far from home as you could get. You hated this. The boxes stacked up in the boot, and the bags piled up in the seats behind you. The fact that you were over two and half thousand miles away from home. The fact that this was a new beginning you were sure you didn’t need. 

You watched as people loaded boats with shopping bags or crates of beer, and how they all seemed to be happy with their small roles in this small town. It was everything you hated and more.

You looked at your dad, in the seat next to you. He kept his eyes on the road, glancing down while he tried to find a radio station with decent music. He settled on reggae track by Bob Marley, and hummed along. You rolled your window down, smelling the salty air that blew in from the coast even as you wound your way further into the poor housing of this end of the island.

That was when you saw him.

He was on his bike, no helmet, his longish blonde hair waving around his face, and a baseball cap slung backwards over his head. You drove past, pushing your head out of the window to keep the view, and his eyes found yours in a way you couldn’t describe. You held his gaze until the car turned, pulling into a driveway. Your new house.

Your dad turned to you with a long sigh.

“I know you’re not happy about this.” he started, and you looked at his concerned face.

“I just don’t understand how moving almost three thousand miles will change anything.” you reasoned.

“Well, you know why. She’s not here, and you won’t have to deal with all of that shit that happened at school.”

“So we’re running away?”

“Y/N, just give this place a chance.”

You nodded. “Dad, how can we afford this?”

He looked at you defeatedly.

You continued, “I mean, with the divorce, and what she did, how could we afford the moving fees and the house? Cross-state moving fees are mad, let alone when you’re on an island too.”

“Hey,” he shook his head, “I’m the adult, I’ll worry about that.”

In your first week on the island, you made friends with a girl called Sarah. She was from Figure 8, but had explained the dynamics between the pogues and kooks to you, and invited you to a party. It was her boyfriend, Topper’s, but she explained that plenty of pogues and tourons would crash anyway.

You arrived without her, a pair of cycling shorts and a crop top thrown over your bikini in a minimal-effort kind of way. Your one stab at an effort was the blue and purple glitter dabbed over your cheek bone to recreate a highlighter effect. When you got there, you could immediately tell you were underdressed. Everyone else were in shirts and dresses, and your glitter was definitely too ‘city’ to be cool here, so you stuck out, obviously the only pogue there. You spent twenty minutes trying to find Sarah, picking up some vodka on your way around. 

Eventually, after leaving a few texts, you sat down on the kitchen counter and nursed your vodka. You had no idea how long you sat there for, but at some point, Sarah’s brother stormed in. You recognised him from one of Sarah’s instagram posts, but you knew he’d never seen you in person. He looked high. And angry.

“Get out of the fucking kitchen!” he was yelling, and people began to filter out, but due to your obscured path, you couldn’t get out. He turned on you.

“Who the fuck are you?” he demanded, “‘Cause I don’t fucking know you!”

“Uh,” you mumbled, “I’m Y/N, I got invited by a friend.”

Where the fuck was Sarah?

“Well I don’t know any Y/Ns. And I don’t see any fucking friends!” He yelled, slurring and stumbling. “Does anybody know Y/N?” 

You looked around the gathering crowd, trying to spot Sarah, hoping she would appear and get you out of this.

“I said, does anybody fucking know Y/N? What the fuck are you doing in this house?” He cornered you, and you were beginning to panic. How the fuck do I get out of this situation?

You didn’t even realise what you were doing, but you felt yourself grab a knife from the counter and thrust it towards him. He stumbled back and you stepped forwards.

“Don’t fucking yell at me!” you shouted, watching him lean back against the wall in fear. You didn’t even register doing it but you felt the blade slice your arm.

You stepped back, addressing the shocked audience. “By the way, I’m Y/N,” You looked around, finding those blue eyes you’d seen a week ago. “And I just moved here.”

You dropped the knife on the counter and pushed your way out of the house, pulling your phone out when you got to the pavement. You checked your messages with Sarah.

You: just got here, where r u?

You: girl, where u at?

You: sarah, i dont know anyone, where r u?

You: im going home, shit turned sour. Msg me later.

Putting your phone away, you looked around. You hardly knew where you were, and you were desperate to get home.

“That was quite a show.” You heard a voice behind you. Shit.

You turned, and saw your blonde haired boy. “Well I knew someone was gonna get hurt either way, so I chose to deescalate the situation, you know?”

He nodded, reaching for your arm, looking at the cut. “You need to get that looked at.” 

“You offering?” you asked, pushing down a smile. 

“Sure.” he shrugged. You looked at him. He looked at the ground, an uncharacteristic shyness taking him over, “Can I stay at yours?”

You watched him stare at the ground, and however much you wanted to ask, you chose not to. “Sure, we just gotta be extra quiet.” 

He grinned, “‘Course.”

“Okay,” you sighed, “This is where I confess that I don’t actually know my way home.”

“We’ll work it out.” he grinned.

When you reached your house, learning that it was only a minute down the road from the blonde boy’s friend's house, you opened the door as quietly as possible, the pair of you pulling off your shoes and carrying them for extra quiet. You snuck up the stairs, trying to avoid the creaky stair boards, and pausing in terror every time there was a creak. By the time you’d made it to your room, the only other room upstairs being a bathroom, you both relaxed. You searched your moving boxes, finding your brother’s old sweat and tee for him, and going to the bathroom so that you could change into an oversized top and old gym shorts.

When you came back, a first aid kit in hand, the boy sat you down on the bed and began to address the cut.

You watched him work in silence. “What’s your name?” you whispered, and he glanced up at you, a smile on his lips.

“JJ.” he said simply, a small smirk adorning his lips as he finished dressing your arm.

You flopped down, so that you were lying on your back in the bed, and he looked at you with an odd sense of curiosity. “Lie down.” softly, you coaxed.

“Usually I get to know a girl before I get in her bed.” he joked, and the way you laughed made him want to freeze the moment in time. 

“Why do I feel like that’s not true?” you snarked.

He gasped, putting his hand to his chest in feigned hurt, “Oh Y/N, I’ve known you for an hour and you’re already breaking my heart!”

“What can I say?” you bantered, “I’m just pure femme fatale.”

He crawled onto the bed, resting his head on the pillows above you. “Oh,” he replied, “I’m sure.”

You flipped onto your stomach, looking at him, relaxed, head on the pillows, gazing down at you. “At home, there weren’t any guys like you.”

He laughed, unsure of himself, “Love, there aren’t any other guys like me.”

You hummed, fiddling with the corner of your throw blanket, looking at him through your lashes, you giggled. “You’re so full of shit.”

He grabbed a pillow and threw it straight at your head. You picked it up, your face scrunched up from the impact, and he laughed. You sat up, crossing your legs, and threw it back at his face, only he caught, laughing, saying something about you having a bad throw. He put the pillow back, and you crawled back up the bed, lying on your back, your arms touching as you both stared at the ceiling.

You glanced at him, taking how his warm tan contrasted the blue light of the moon that shone through the large window above your bed. You took in the way his muscles gave him definition, and how the top stretched slightly over his chest, and how his long blonde hair splayed over the pillow, your own, waist-length hair tickling his arm as you lay there. You took in the curve of his nose and the tiny, mischievous smirk that never seemed to leave his face. You took in his long eyelashes and the blue of his eyes and the pink of his cheeks.

At some point, you drifted off.

When you woke up, you were tucked into him, your legs tangled in his, hair spread over his arm. His eyes were still closed, and you didn’t move from your spot, keeping your eyes on his face.

“You know,” he murmured, “If you take a picture, it’d last longer.”

Blushing, you pulled away. “I don’t know what you’re on about.” you sat up, feeling his fingers trace the curve of your back as you moved out of his reach. You left the bed, looking back to see him sit up, rubbing sleep out of his eyes, and you watched him take in the way your top fell over your frame. You searched your moving boxes again, looking for an outfit for the day. You really needed to move everything into the wardrobe. Eventually, you pulled out a bikini and shorts. You looked back at him, and he grinned at you.

You looked at him curiously, “What are you doing today, JJ?”

He thought for a second, electing against going home, but rather to go to John B’s for a day of weed and joking around. “Introducing you to my friends.” he shrugged, “The one who lives a minute down the road.”

You nodded, “What are we, in a relationship?” you joked, “Introducing me to your friends? Next thing I know I’ll be round for dinner.”

He felt dirty when you said that, shrinking into himself, hoping that you would never experience the shit that came with meeting his dad. You must have realised you’d hit a nerve, because you backtracked, saying you’d been stupid and whatever you’d said to upset him wasn’t intentional. When he looked back up, he saw how the tears of worry were building, and he immediately changed his demeanor, rushing forwards to hug you, assured you that it was all good. 

You went to get changed, leaving him in your room. 

He looked around. The corner was full of boxes yet to be unpacked, the open ones mainly clothes. There was a desk under the window, with some makeup, a book and a notebook thrown on top. The wardrobe doors were open, revealing that the few clothes that were in your wardrobe were very messily so, most either hung up or on the floor. There was a shelf above the hangers, with a shoebox pushed carefully to the side. He pulled it out, conscious that he was snooping. He pulled the lid off, and saw a set of pictures.

The first - you at a funfair when you were a little, a boy two years older (must be your brother) and a woman, almost identical to you, hugging you close. The second, you were older, perhaps twelve - you were wearing a Christmas onesie that matched the woman’s, your brother and dad laughing as you and the woman - your mother - danced around. The third - you were in a hospital gown, and your mother was crying, holding you close. 

There were more, but he didn’t look. Under the photos, there was a tiny crocheted rabbit and a baby blanket with little elephants on it. He heard your bathroom door open, and rushed to put the lid on, putting the box back. You walked in, smiling at him as you checked your phone.

Dad missed calls (6)

Bro missed calls (3)

Sarah missed calls (11)

You sighed, checking Sarah’s messages.

 Sarah: Sorry!! I heard what happened, i should hv been there. Meet up 2day?

You: Rain check? I met a guy last night and he wants to introduce me to his mates.

Sarah: U go girl!! Enjoy urself, msg me if u need me <3

You flicked off Sarah’s messages, glancing back at JJ, who was looking at your make up.

Mom: Darling, call me when you can.

The last text made you want to throw up, and you tossed your phone on the bed, drawing JJ’s attention back to you. “You okay?” he asks, and you nod, grabbing your purse and picking your phone back up, and getting ready to go.

“Okay, I’ll go down first, I’ll signal if there’s no one there so you can come down.” you ran down the stairs, checking the kitchen and living room, then giving JJ the all-clear. You left the house, letting him walk you to his friend’s place.

He took your hand, guiding your through the front door and into the house. You wrinkled your nose at the mess, food, clothes and empty cans littering the room. “This is a mess.” you muttered, stepping over an empty packet of sweets.

“His mom left when he was three and his dad’s missing, the lack of adults means… well, you can see what it means.”

You nodded, only just noticing a boy asleep on the sofa next to you. JJ leans over, sighing. “That’s Pope, I’ll go get John B and see if Kiara’s here.” he let go of your hand, walking down the hall, leaving you with the sleeping boy. You watched the boy shuffle and then open his eyes, jumping at the sight of a stranger standing over him. 

“Who are you?” he asked, sitting up and staring at you. 

“JJ’s friend.” you said, and he raised an eyebrow. 

“You’re the girl who cut herself.” he said, recognition relaxing his features.

“My reputation precedes me.” you laugh, and he stands up. 

“Food?” he offers, walking to the kitchen.

“Y’all have food here? It looks like you live off Swedish Fish and beer.” 

He grins, “That’s the life.” he jokes, pulling a slice of moldy bread from its packet, and then throwing it straight in the bin. “That said, John B does need to get groceries more.”

“I do?” you heard a voice behind you. You turned, and were met with the sight of a tall brunette boy. He stares at you for a second, and rather than Pope’s blunt recollection, he grins, “You’re Y/N, right?” You nod, “You left quite the impression at Topper’s party.”

“What can I say?” you laughed.

JJ came back from the hallway, accompanied by a girl. “You must be Y/N!” she greets, smiling brightly, “I’m Kiara.” 

“Well…” JJ pipes up, “Let's take the HMS out to the marsh and introduce Y/N to the OBX properly!”

“I’m down.” Kiara shrugged, “I don’t have any shifts today.” 

“Sure,” agreed Pope.

“Leave in twenty?” John B offered.

[telnaga]

i think everyone without periods should learn more about periods. especially if youre LGBT... we’re all together in this thing called life and the “thing” called “gender” but anyone who doesnt have a period is raised not knowing ANYTHING about periods so it just comes to the point where people close to me who mean completely well and want to help me through the horrible blood time will think they just need to like... buy ice cream. they’ll get squicked out whenever i touch on basic details. assume im going to be irrational during it.

here’s the basic rundown you need to know: periods come about once a month, but can vary between cycles and people, especially if you have an IUD, birth control pills, or specific medications. the average time it lasts is four to six days, during which 50 (lighter side) to 80 (heavier side) mL of blood is shed. (5ml is a teaspoon..) but also, this is important, bc i feel like most people who have periods dont even know this - it’s not all blood. the process is the shedding of the uterine lining, which means some of it is less liquid and more strands. it’s completely normal to have bits of it come out in clots.

the shedding comes slowly, and won’t typically “spill out” or behave like a rush of liquid at all. the process can be painful, especially for people with heavier periods. studies have come back time and time again with proof that, beyond the normal reactions to experiencing a near-constant level of pain, there is no effect to mood or behavior, though people come out of it falsely reporting their mood and behavior as worse. this shows how much false expectations and societal understanding can color our experiences, and is part of why it’s so important to get more people to learn these things.

managing it is a hassle. you’re either using an absorbent pad that lightly adheres to your underwear and may be uncomfortable as it accumulates shedding, a tampon (usually made of cotton or a cotton-like absorbent material) that varies in how easily it inserts, a menstrual cup you insert that fits in the cavity (well enough that you usually can’t feel it, removable by a small grip) and “catches” the shedding, or other such devices, but there’s only recently been much innovation and expansion of options on that front. i think even (silicone, sterilize-after-use and store until next month) menstrual cups are relatively new, and for the most part the main two options are expensive packs of one-use pads and tampons. all of these are typically changed every 4-8 hours depending on flow and the amount they're made to hold. unless you’ve had them in far too long, tampons and menstrual cups are safe to swim with. nothing’s going to come out. 

the general side effects of periods are, as touched on earlier, pain. there’s a variety of ways that manifests. the pain, described as “cramping”, comes from the uterus primarily, which is located around the lower part of your tummy. the pain from it can also radiate to the back, causing lower back pain. there can also be headaches, bloating, muscle aches, trouble sleeping, and others; all in all, it’s generally just a time where you tend to be undergoing pain and discomfort.

that’s why some people take personal days during it, eat junk food, treat themselves, sleep more, act “emotional”, etc. because they’re in pain and discomfort. any average person will do all those things if they break a bone, typically. if they sprain a muscle. if they get the flu. it’s literally just that. it’s just “I am in pain and discomfort”. ice cream is not a medication, there’s no emotional phenomenon, and it happens every month from puberty until menopause. not everyone has that bad of a time with it, but for others, through aspects of flow or complications or other conditions or ANYTHING, can have a much, much worse time. they’re having to experience a painful uncomfortable physical beatdown once a month. and somehow, though so many people go through this, it has been discounted and discredited and ignored and shushed away. it’s treated as some sort of mysterious whimsical mood brought on by a pull of the moon, and not as a time of pain and discomfort, like any injury or illness it can feel just as bad as.

last thing im gonna put here is what can actually help with the pain and discomfort. ibuprofen (advil) and acetaminophen (tylenol), the two most common pain relievers, will both lessen the pain coming from the cramping of the muscles of the uterus. midol, a pain reliever specifically marketed for period relief, is just tylenol and caffeine but more expensive. heat can also relieve muscle pain and cramping; a warm bath, a hot water bottle, a microwavable heating pack, or even a sock filled with uncooked beans or rice and tied shut and microwaved for three minutes can all help. there’s little research on it because of course there isn’t, but in my experience cannabis helps quite a bit too. 

thank you for reading this post from your local horrible-blood-time-haver