#cluster c solidarity

[littlest-bugz]

This is your daily reminder that:

- Cluster A havers are valid.

- Cluster B havers are valid.

- Cluster C havers are valid.

Personality Disorders are valid.

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

npd culture is npd and bpd solidarity. cluster b solidarity with cluster a and cluster c. npd culture is just solidarity with everyone else who have pds and disorders and diseases & everyone else who keep getting dehumanized and told we're abusers and monsters and other bullshit. we're not. we're just people. we've done nothing wrong (as a group) except exist and have trauma.

- 🏍️

.

[mogai-toybox]

Schizotaxia flag Schizotaxia was coined by Mheel to described the predispostion to schizophrenia. Since the Cluster A personality disorders [ SzPD, StPD, PPD ] and AvPD have been genetically linked to schizophrenia and can potentially turn into a premordial schizophreniform/phrenia/affective diagnosis, we* use schizotaxia as an umbrella term to refer to the Cluster A PDs + AvPD. [ source ] || [ source ] || [ source ] || [ source ] || [ source ]

Cluster A & C Solidarity Flag Due to Cluster A and Cluster C personalities often being overshadowed and ignored in favor of Cluster B personality disorders, and that there was a Cluster B solidarity flag made [ now gone ]. It's a combination of our* schizotaxia flag and pawette's Cluster C flag. Personality Disorder Solidarity Flag: @ceduralshinji [ here ] Cluster C Pride Flag: @pawette [ here ]

These flags are a reupload from @hr6819-coining.

[wangxianficfinder]

In the mood for...

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1. Hello! I don't know if you'll get this by then but happy valentine's day! (Or belated) I was wondering if i could be led to a compilation of Good Person/ Parent Yu Ziyuan if you have one. It's hard to find any Wwx & Yu Ziyuan relationships in ao3 since the tags are mostly sarcastic 😂 anyways thank you!

some things go forward by everythingispoetry (T, 73k, WangXian, Modern AU, Hospitals, Teenage Drama, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Happy Ending) yzy is a very good mother to wwx in this! Content warning for cancer treatments and hospitals, but overall a fluffy story.

And Time Is But a Paper Moon by sami (M, 138k, WangXian, XiChengQing, Time Travel, Fix-It, Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Healing, Mental Health Issues, PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Depression, BAMF WWX, BAMF JC, BAMF LWJ, BAMF JYL, Getting Together) She starts still on the side of /harsh/ but nowhere near canon levels, and gets better as the story goes. There's also the actual Good Parent Yu Ziyuan (and the one conjoined with JFM) tag on Ao3

Still Waters by PorcupineGirl (G, 6k, wangxian, canon divergence, cloud recesses study arc, YZY pov, protective YZY, arranged marriage)

~*~

2. Any recommendations with the Xuanwu of Slaughter theme? @izamoonie

Cave Survival (or: how the Xuanwu cave could have gone) by cerbykerby (T, 6k, WangXian, Trope Fic, Alternative Events, Canon Compliant, forced stripping, Almost-Crackfic, Pining, Pining LW, JOblivious Wwx, Almost-Drowning, kiss of life and other tropes, Humor, Fluff, Romance)

won't you let me know you now by tardigradeschool (T, 12k, WangXian, Star Trek Fusion, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Mutual Pining, Telepathy, Vulcan Mind Melds, Pre-Relationship, very background 3zun, Protective Siblings, Friends to Lovers)

Outside Another Yellow Moon by Vamillepudding (T, 10k, WangXian, Canon Divergence, YLLZ WWX, Fairy Tale Elements, Hurt/Comfort, LWJ Needs a Hug, Curse Breaking)

~*~

3. Helloooo!! For the next IITMF, I'd like to request these :

A) fics where Lans are protective of WWX. (e.g. Hoards and Treasures)

B) omegaXian being pregnant and everyone's doting on him (especially Lans)

C) fics where WWX is famous for his invention/books/cultivation etc. (bonus if his parents are alive/he's not a part of the Jiang)

Thank you so much ✨ @utxqia​

3A)

Cluster of Clouds by Nika_Raven_Celeste (T, 19k, wangxian, LQR & WWX, JC & WWX, time travel, post-canon lans time travel, cloud recesses study era, confused WWX, soft LQR, soft LWJ, not JC friendly, not YZY friendly, genius WWX, horny LWJ, oblivious WWX, WIP) I think this one counts as protective Lans?

3B)

bridge & shelter by RennieOnIceCream (Hitsugi_Zirkus) (T, 3k, wangxian, ABO, pregnancy, mpreg, unplanned pregnancy, alpha LWJ, omega WWX, comfort, cuddling & snuggling, scenting, light angst)

3C)

To Respect a Scholar by FlautistsandPeonies (G, 5k, wangxian, WWX & LQR, genius WWX, not JC friendly, author WWX)

~*~

4. good day (or night)! I am in search of fics where wangxian are each other's firsts, like they are in canon. first love, first kiss, etc. preferably ratings M or E, but I won't mind anything else. thank you!!

my life’s journey is far from over by thelastdboy (E, 148k, WangXian, Modern AU, Canon Divergence, Madam Lán Lives, JYL Lives, WQ Lives, Post-Sunshot Campaign, POV WWX, Slow Burn, YLLZ WWX, Hurt/Comfort, Modern AU but not too modern™, mlm/wlw solidarity, Kink Negotiation, Kink Exploration, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, WWX Lives, Mental Health Issues, References to Depression, Additional Warnings In Author’s Note, Burial Mounds Ensemble as Family, Single Parent WWX, Selectively Mute LWJ, Eventual Smut, Light Dom/sub)

Half a Bottle of Emperor's Smile by wuzhishan (E, 20k, WangXian, Modern AU, Romance, Fluff, Pining LWJ, Oblivious WWX, Love Confessions, Getting Together, Friends to Lovers, College/University, First Time, A Typical Modern Day No-Angst Get-Together Fluff Fic)

Somebody With Whom to Dance by failedcharismacheck (T, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, Dancing, Slow Dancing, Friends to Lovers, Fluff)

In This Reality (it could only be you) by Khashana (E, 5k, WangXian, A/B/O Dynamics, fluff and porn, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Oblivious WWX, Lan Disciple WWX, very light somnophilia, blink and you miss it really, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Alpha-Alpha Sex, Rut Sex, Knotting, no dubcon, Alpha LWJ, Alpha WWX) (I hope the requestor is okay with ABO!) ((Also this I think was the response for a fic finder from before that I cant find 😵 I hope that person sees these tags and clicks on this fic!)

Sweet Ink Nothings by monarch_v (G, 2k, WangXian, High School, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Love Confessions, Secret Admirer, Friends to Lovers)

Rumor Has It by Ulan (T, 4k, WangXian, Getting Together, Friends to Lovers, Fluff, Canon Divergence, spoiler warning, CQL-Verse, Fix-It, we were robbed in the ending)

For a Good Time, Call by ScarlettStorm, 1st in series (E, 170k, wangxian, modern, getting together, pining, porn, onlyfans au, sexworker WWX, minor angst, mental health, therapy is good) despite the sex worker Wei Ying tag, WY is only physically with LZ and it’s quite sweet

Teach Me The Ways by likeafox (E, 58k, wangxian, canon divergence, porn with (is) plot, much smut much feelings)

~*~

5. Itmf for fics where lwj is hurt or injured and wwx tames care of him? Im happy with Canon or AU!

Some strange magic by deliciousblizzardshark (M, 15k, WangXian, Fantasy, Witch WWX, Wizard LWJ, Major Character Injury, Sex Magic, Dual Cultivation, Love Confessions, Fluff and Angst, Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Horny LWJ, Trust Issues, despite these tags, There's actually very little smut)

Careful hands by deliciousblizzardshark (M, 10k, wangxian, canon divergence, BAMF WWX, protective WWX, hurt LWJ, genius WWX, angst, hurt/comfort, getting together, first time, LWJ pov, not a fix-it)

my bones into your bones by butterflylungs (M, 17k, wangxian, post-canon, case fic, established relationship, whump, hurt/comfort, protective WWX, angst w/ happy ending)

~*~

6. bonjour! est-ce que vous avez des fics avec Xiao Xingchen, Song Lan, et Xue Yang, mais ils ne sont pas romantique? merci beaucoup!! (Soft translation - Good morning! do you have fics with Xiao Xingchen, Song Lan, and Xue Yang, but they are not romantic? Thanks a lot!! - Mod C)

Au demandeuse/eur/aire du #6: faut-il qu'il soit en français ? La seule fic que j'ai trouvée en français sur AO3 qui liste même les trois est MDZS en passant par les UA, par TsukiyomiHimeKuran (E, 13k, wangxian, modern, fantasy au, college/university au, high school au, no powers au, stripper au, who framed Roger rabbit setting).

To the querent for #6: does it have to be in French? The only fic I’ve found in French on AO3 that even lists all three is MDZS en passant par les UA, by Tsukiyomi HimeKuran

~*~

7. Hi! ITMF Yunmeng bro reconciliation while they are physically rebuilding Lotus Pier? Ie fics that focus on cutting wood, building houses, setting cobblestones, regrouping with any survivors, breathing the life back into their home.

~*~

8. I'm in the mood for fics like Piecemeal Souls by hypermoyashi

~*~

9. Hi there! 👋 so I have a request for itmf and im not sure if any of you will have much luck because, as often as fic of this general theme is requested, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot of fic written for it. So! Being a little bit more specific here: are there any fics (modern or canon au) where lqr is a jerk to wwx and then, when he realizes he was wrong, actually has to apologize and work to be forgiven? I've noticed a lot of fics where he's not a great person to wwx usually end with "but he loves babies and a-yuan so I guess he has to tolerate wwx now 🤷‍♀️" and I hate it lmao thank you for any help you can give me!

Hello! I was the asker for #9 in the latest itmf. I just finished reading hope blooms and it was good! But lqr wasn't even mentioned at all in it? So not really what I was looking for 😂 maybe my request was just misread but I'm looking for fic with lan QIREN messing up and then having to work for forgiveness, not lan WANGJI. Sorry for the trouble and thank you so much!

hope blooms by orphan_account (T, 3k, WangXian, Hanahaki Disease, Pining, Amnesia, Epistolary, Fluff, with a soupçon of angst I guess?, idk i feel like we all calibrate angst differently, Happy Ending) not sure if this may work for Requestor ?

What Comes After Love by Rainbow_Horizon (T, 17k, WangXian, POV LWJ, Protective LWJ, LWJ Has Feelings, POV WWX, Sad WWX, Jealous WWX, Módào Zǔshī & The Untamed Combination, Post-Canon, Insecurity, Chief Cultivator LWJ, Break Up, Separations, Healing, Husbands, Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, marriage issues, Marriage Proposal) Asker, let us know if this works !

Deeper Seasons by piecrust (G, 8k, LQR & WWX, WangXian) I completely misread LQR as LZ 💀 sorry abt that 🙈here is another offering!

Judge Softly by Chrononautical (E, 32k, wangxian, LSZ & WWX, LQR & WWX, accidental voyeurism, non-consensual mind reading, oblivious WWX, bamf   WWX, genius WWX, post-canon Fix-it, angst w happy ending, LQR tries)

I'm Sorry & Thank You by Iamnotawriter (T, 12k, WangXian, LQR & WWX, Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, lqr's epipheny, Angst with a Happy Ending)

~*~

10. Hi! I wanna know bout fics where a junior has a puppy crush (that doesn't go anywhere) on wwx. Or no crush but they admire him so much they are constantly hyping him up the way ljy is with lwj. Thanks!!

❤️ The One-Body Problem by metisket (T, 29k, LJY & WWX, LJY & LSZ, wangxian, possession, cohabitation) not a crush per se but ljy is in awe of Wei ying

🧡 I Don't Want to Debut! by countingcr0ws (G, 56k, WangXian, Modern AU, Reality show, Idols, Actor LWJ, Forced Contestant WWX, Tencent's 2021 Idol Producer) same thing here where it's not a crush but the juniors are amazed by Wei ying (modern au no cultivation but the Wei ying awe is real!)

~*~

11. Hi mods! Hope you're all well! For your next ITMF, could anyone rec me a fic similar to Three Together by catty_the_spy? I fell in love with it but I've not found any other fics with that kind of premise. Thank you!

~*~

12. I'm looking for trans man wwx

Trans WangXian Comp

Butter My Biscuit by LikeAFlamingKiss_Consume (E, 23k, WangXian, nonbinary!LZ, Transman!WY, Mpreg, WWX Has a Pregnancy Kink, Unplanned Pregnancy, Vaginal Sex, LWJ Has a Pregnancy Kink, ace spectrum WangXian, WangXian Have a Breeding Kink, Consensual Somnophilia, discussion of transphobia, Hints of dysphoria, Lactation Kink, Breastfeeding, Giving Birth, I guess a bit of sadism?)

strange feeling by siwona (M, 605, WangXian, trans man wwx, cis mxy, Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Kinda?)

butter my biscuit by ariskamalt (E, 2k, WangXian, Modern AU, Trans WWX, Established Relationship, Cunnilingus, Consensual Somnophilia, Temperature Play, PWP)

it was the fault of the lips by luckymarrow (E, 15k, WangXian, Modern AU, College/University, First Time Blow Jobs, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Vaginal Fingering, trans!wwx, cis!lwj, Getting Together, Deepthroating, Safe Sane and Consensual, Cunnilingus, Fluff and Smut, Misunderstandings, Communication, Transphobia, trans!WQ, Comedy, Romantic Comedy, Sex Toys, Sex Talk, gender euphoria, Masturbation, non-sexual nudity, Squirting, Come Eating, Creampie, Barebacking, Coming Out, Porn with Feelings, Porn With Plot, Switching, Pining while fucking)

our shadows fall away like dust by lamusadelils (T, 4k, LQR & WWX, LQR & LWJ, WangXian, Modern AU, POV LQR, Trans WWX, Supportive LQR, Graduate Student WWX, Coming Out, trans feels, Family Feels, all the feels, Found Family)

Wangxian are Married and Have a Son (But Not Necessarily in That Order) by mercyandmagic (M, 24k, WangXian, Unplanned Pregnancy, trans wwx, Disappointing LQR, Gender Dysphoria)

It is a serious thing just to be alive by Itgoeson (E, 57k, WangXian, Time Travel, Trans WWX, Established Relationship, Angst with a happy ending)

~*~

13. Hey, can you please rec fic(s) where LWJ fucks up badly and WWX does NOT forgive him? And maybe makes a fam of his own w/o LWJ?? @utxqia

To Be Filial by Samstagram903 (G, 3k, past WangXian, WWX/OMC, LWJ/OFC, Modern AU, Break Up, Sad Ending, Depends on Who You Ask, LWJ POV) LZ leaves WY because of 'Duty' and WY moves on 😌

drunk walk home by Anonymous (G, 760, WangXian, Mentioned WangCheng, Cheating LWJ, Sad WWX, Break Up)

drivers license by AG1234VL (T, 11k, WWX/Other, WangXian, LWJ/LQY, Modern AU, Hurt No Comfort, slight comfor?Non-Chronological, Song fic, Crying WWX, ice cream and beer, breakup weight gain, Lots of Crying, Angst, Homophobia, from lqr, wangxian breakup) Good breakup fic (for me is a we ain't never getting back together WWX and sad bunny LWJ). Chap 1 is breakup sad WWX. Chap 2 is happy WWX/ I've made a horrible mistake LWJ.

Infidelity AU Series by Asmayi (M, 38k, WangXian, WangYu, XianNing, Modern AU, Hurt No Comfort, Sad WWX, Cheating, Infidelity, Emotional Infidelity, OOC, Professor LWJ, Engineer WWX, Student MXY, Teacher-Student Relationship, College/University, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Heavy Angst, Married WangXian, Mental instability, Break-Up, Divorce, Not MXY Friendly) The first fic is pure agony and not meant for wangxian lovers. The following fics have WY moving on and finding happiness in a family of his own. There's also a fic with alternate timeline where LZ doesn't fuck up, for wangxian lovers.

~*~

14. Hello✨✨✨ i tagged you in a post but just to be sure, i'm sending this as an ask too, can you pls help us find this fic?

(The OP talks about how if novel and cql wangxian met cql wangxian would all be up in arms bc novel lwj married some rando while novel wwx laughs and enjoys the ensuing chaos)

I think it could be either a mood for or a ficfinder so just put this wherever's next if it's not a bother thank you💕💕 @evadingreallife​

💙 feel better love by Anonymous (T, 8k, WIP, WangXian, implied WangXianXian, Post-Canon, Crack Treated Somewhat Seriously, in a haha jk...unless? way, Light Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Crack, Crossover)

Key Differences by pupeez4eva (T, 5k, WangXian, Humor, Dimension Travel, Crossover, Drama!WWX meets Novel!WWX, Public Confessions, Post-Canon)

We always get what we deserve!(Doesn't matter even if you think you don't deserve it. Fate has mysterious ways!) by Ajareenlovesbtsandshinee (Not Rated, 16k, WIP, WangXian, Post-Canon, CQL WWX and MDZS WWX Exchange places, Happy Ending, Post-Canon Fix-It)

The Young, the Horny, the Jaded and the Jade: Partners in Time by Admiranda (M, 43k, WIP, WangXian, Established couple, Crossover, road trip with your older selves, teasing your younger selves about their obvious crushes, yin iron does yin iron things, mdzs/cql crossover, adult wangxian, Teenage Wangxian)

I don't know if any of these are the fic you are looking for specifically but they do have MDZS WangXian meeting CQL WangXian - Mod C

~*~

16. *Holding out a tin cup to the ITMF crowd* A) Wen Ning and the Juniors? Spare Wen Ning teaching and traveling with the Juniors? The juniors supporting and standing up for Wen Ning? Wen Ning being adopted by the kids from various sects, perhaps? Just a crumb of Wen Ning and the Juniors for this poor old beggar?

B) Also, if at all possible -- fics where Wen Ning becomes a sect leader? The particulars don't matter, I just loved Wen Ning becoming Wen-Zongzhu in Time Is But A Paper Moon and now I have a mighty need for more.

Thank you in advance! @lewiscarrolatemybrain

16A)

Waiting On The Night Hunt by JustAWanderingBabbit (G, 50k, Grudging Respect Friendship, Inappropriate use of lightning storms) post-canon; Wen Ning gradually earns the respect of cultivationdom, chaperoning the juniors, helping out on night hunts, teaching cultivational alchemy to Lan Jingyi, and cleaning up some unfinished business of Xue Yang’s

intertwined with

Pieces of Us by JustAWanderingBabbit (Not Rated, 32k, dead characters being dead, Mostly Canon Compliant, Snark, Implied Violence, Happy ending.) the same storyline from sapient fierce corpses Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue’s POV

different people with a common pain by littledust (G, 2k, LSZ & WN, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Minor OCs get (non-graphically described) cholera but they get better!) in the course of their post-canon uncle-nephew bonding trip, Wen Ning and Lan Sizhui investigate a village’s spate of mysterious deaths; the solution lies in Wen Qing’s legacy of healing

seances are not forbidden in the cloud recesses by EHyde (G, 611, Fluff, [Podfic] seances are not forbidden in the cloud recesses by sisi_rambles) Lan Qiren discovers that Wen Ning has volunteered as a test subject for the Lan juniors’ Inquiry practice

Two fics in which the Juniors throw WN a surprise birthday party:

When Flowers Bloom, the Heart does too by DepthOfMusic (G, 1k, WN's Birthday, WN-centric, Cinnamon Roll WN, One Big Happy Family)

And

gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder by lao_you_tiao (G, 3k, WangXian, WN/Happiness, Birthday Presents, Birthday Fluff, Fluff, One Big Happy Family, Post-Canon, Slightly sassy WN)—along with Wangxian

The Energy of Youth(s) by Laylah (E, WN/Junior Quartet, Sex Magic, Group Sex, literal healing cock, First Time for Everyone, Fierce Corpse Sex, Protect the Ghost General at All Costs) if you’re up for a raunchy take on your request, has the Junior Quartet infusing vital yang qi into WN in a sexual quintuple-cultivational ritual

16B)

Mending the Pieces by JustAWanderingBabbit (G, 98k, 3Zun) sequel to Waiting on the Night Hunt and Pieces of Us. WQL, although not exactly a Sect Leader, is by then in a position of authority and respect, running a non-sectarian night-hunt training camp on Lake Caiyi; his young students include the 3Zun, reincarnated, and an adult LSZ and JL take part in the adventure.)

~*~

17. Hello, hello! Hope you have a wonderful day/afternoon/evening. I was wondering if you have a list of "Wei Ying being adopted by other MXTX couples" or even couples that are not MXTX (ex: WenZhou). There is no list for that, no ~Mod L If not, I guess this could go to "I'm in a mood for...". Anyways, thank you for your hard work 🤠🤠

the hearth series by eccentrick (G/T, 65k, WangXian, HuaLian, Found Family, fluff with plot, Fluff and Angst, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Disabled Character, Ableism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, WWX Isn't Adopted by the Jiāngs, slow burn found family, Adopt WWX, Married HuaLian, Post-Canon TGCF, Kid Fic, TGCF Spoilers) "a warm coal in the hearth of our hearts" by eccentrick and "the hearth" series in general

The Young Masters of Four Seasons Manor by gaotamao (G, 91k, WangXian, WenZhou, YeRong, Time Regression fix-it, WKX raises monstrous sons, Not Jiang Sect Friendly, No Golden Core Transfer) or the one specific one I know where WenZhou parent Wangxian that I liked

Spirited Away series by PhantomWriter (T, 45k, wenzhou, WKX & WWX & ZZS, wangxian, canon divergence, WOH crossover, adoption)

~*~

If you didn’t get an answer to your ask here, don’t forget to make use of @mdzs-kinkmeme and MDZS KINK MEME on Dreamwidth. Authors actually do use them for ideas. You may get what  you order!***Your prompt doesn’t have to be kink! Fluff, crack,   whatever - it’s all good!***

[pridelise]

dreafuls avpd / dreadful avoidant! an avpd flag based on the plush rabbit by plushie dreadfuls(link) that represents avoidant personality disorder (AVPD / AvPD).

inspired by @unknownmothergoose's dreadfuls bpd flag(link).

please credit when used. do not use this non-commercially if you are not an avoidant. (i.e non-avoidants dont use this flag in a personal icon)

i do not allow reuploads nor reposts anywhere.

stripe meanings under the cut!

folie red: freedom in loneliness and severe avoidance, whenever interpersonally and / or socially

maroon: comfort and warmth in your safe person / people

grey: the blur between wanting to not be perceived and needing to be seen, loved and heard by others

soot black: the overarching feeling of avoidance and attention seeking tendencies

off-white: the ability to make friends at your own pace, no matter how long it takes

blue-grey: serenity, courage, and masking an overwhelming sense of dread whenever you speak

sierra blue: avoidants with a professional diagnosis or a thoroughly self researched diagnosis.

sandy tan: the intensity of this disorder and its comorbity with other disorders

wet sand: intense fear of rejection and cluster c pwPDs solidarity

slate grey: unity between avoidants with safe people and avoidants without safe people or SPs

[mycoblogg]

FOTD #012 : violet coral! (clavaria zollingeri)

violet (or magenta) coral is a coral fungus in the family clavariaceae. the fruit bodies can grow in solidarity, in clusters or in small groups on grassy spots. it occurs in australia, new zealand, north america, south america, & asia (including brunei, india, & korea) !! rare in europe.

the big question : can i bite it?? edible in small quantities !! large amounts can cause stomach issues.

c. zollingeri description :

"the coloring of the fruit bodies is quite variable, ranging from violet to amethyst, or violet shaded with brown or red. the colors may be variable over the fruit body; in one instance the outside branches were brown while the inner branches in the center of the bundle were light violet. dried specimens may lose their coloring almost entirely, as the pigments may be sensitive to light or dryness. the fruit body is typically 5 to 10 cm (2.0 to 3.9 in) tall & 4 to 7 cm (1.6 to 2.8 in) wide. the stem, or base, is short, & the branching starts a short distance above the ground. the surfaces of the fragile branches are smooth & dry; the branches are 2–6 thick, typically with rounded tips."

[images : source & source] [fungus description : source]

"WOWiE !! soo i love these guys. 🤍 i've not seen *this* specific type of coral iRL yet, but i love coral fungi. the bright colour is so striking too !!"

[randalsgrave]

Sweetness and Light: Part 5

Well hot damn, it's been long enough - and speaking of 'long enough' this part totaled out at 22 pages. Told y'all it's only gonna get longer from here on out.

Week two and week three go by, each with its high - and low - points.

BobxFemale!OC. F/C: Kacey Rohl

Word count: 8.1K

WARNINGS: colorful language; not beta-read (we die like men); mentions of toxic family behavior

Recommended Soundtrack: Go! - Public Service Broadcasting; Kick the Tragedy - Drop Nineteens; Crank - Catherine Wheel

***

Week 2. PT does, indeed, suck on Monday. 

Everhardt decides that his class’s first PT session of the week is going to involve endurance conditioning at the base track - a lot of it. 

When he utters the dreaded words “caboose runs,” Katie groans (as do probably 5 other people, but that’s beside the point). As if it wasn’t bad enough that she and Bob kicked their asses hiking on Saturday, now she’s got 20 minutes of staggered sprints on shit legs to worry about. 

“It had to be caboose runs,” Katie mutters under her breath as she falls in line behind Fanboy and trots off for the next 20 minutes of hell. 

At least she’s not alone in her misery. Bob says nothing as he slips into line behind her. He does, however, pass her a grin of pained solidarity as he sprints his way up to the front of the train when his turn comes. 

It’s a grin she returns when it’s her turn to bolt to the front. 

It’s also a grin that Fanboy catches notice of, and one that he finds himself asking questions about when the run ends 20 minutes later. 

“Am I missing something here?” he wheezes to Katie when they’re all clustered on the side of the track, taking a much-needed water break. 

Katie, propped up beside Bob against a row of bleachers, shrugs. “Dunno. Maybe if you’d tagged along with us instead of spending all morning in bed on Saturday, you’d be in the loop.” 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. How was the hike, anyway?” 

“Long,” Bob winces. “And steep.”

“Hm. Explains the faces of agony.” 

“You don’t even know the half of it,” Katie mutters with a snort, which Bob underscores with a nod and chuckle of agreement. 

Fanboy says nothing else beyond that - at least, not while Bob is within earshot. When everyone starts making their way to center field for calisthenics and Bob follows along with the others, Fanboy pulls Katie aside, leans in close. “So uh, like I was saying earlier… Am I missing something here?” 

There’s no missing the sly, knowing glimmer in his eyes when he speaks. Oh Christ Fanboy, what are you insinuating?

She plays dumb. “I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about,” she says airily. 

“Hell you don’t,” Fanboy retorts with a roll of his eyes and a smirk. “I saw you guys vibing together. Being all smiley and shit. Y’all got real friendly with each other on Saturday, didn’t you?” 

“If by ‘got real friendly’ you mean ‘hiked up the side of a mountain and OD-ed on pancakes and hashbrowns shortly thereafter,’ then yeah, we got real friendly.”

“Cute, cute. There gonna be a second date?”

“Oh my god Fanboy-”

“Ooh, that sounds like a yes-”

“Fuck off,” Katie giggles as she gives Fanboy a small shove. “Seriously, there’s nothing going on with me and Bob. We’re just friends.”

“Five bucks says that changes in a couple weeks.”

“You ready to lose that bet?”

Fanboy shrugs. “I dunno, I’m feeling pretty good about this one.” The waggling of his eyebrows earns him an exasperated groan. 

“You are absolutely ridiculous.” Despite the nature of the words she just spoke, Katie can’t help the grin that splits across her face. “C’mon, before Everhardt bitches at us.” 

He laughs, but says nothing more as he jogs off to join the others for the rest of PT - and thank god he does, otherwise he would definitely have words to say about the disgruntled scowl curling across Katie’s lips. Making bets about her love life… As if she even has one. She and Bob are friends and nothing more. 

At least, that’s what she tells herself. What she’s currently hell-bent on telling herself. 

She steals a glance at Bob, then at Fanboy - and the scowl deepens. Bastard, she thinks. 

This is going to be a long 3 months. 

***

Instruction picks up right where it left off on Friday, with two-man hops and simulated bombing runs and death by classroom lecture. The first half of the day sees Fanboy and Halfpint paired with Airbud, a single-seater pilot, and their hop goes as well as it’s expected to. 

Where it all goes to shit is during the second half of the day, when Katie finds herself paired with Melendez. 

Melendez isn’t a team player; she made that much clear during the first week. Of course, nobody really realizes it until one person or the other is paired up with her for flight ops. Nobody knows which is worse: the fact that she’s maliciously cocky in and out of the cockpit, or that she peppers her shit-talking with musings of being a TOPGUN instructor. She’s not making friends with anyone here - and it seems like everyone else is happy to keep it that way.

So why Katie finds herself jogging after her on the tarmac and calling out to her is completely beyond comprehension.

“Melendez!” she yells over the whistling roar of their jet engines. 

She doesn’t hear her. Either that, or she ignores her. It doesn’t matter to Katie. She jogs after Melendez, reaches a hand out to touch her shoulder.

And damn-near gets decked with a fistful of equipment. 

“What?” Melendez snaps. “What the fuck do you want?” 

“Whoa, hey-” Katie’s hands are up instantly, and she takes a step back, opens up the space between them. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea… “I just wanna talk, that’s all.”

“Yeah? About what?” 

Katie closes her eyes, sucks in a deep breath. She’s gonna have to make this quick. 

“Look - things got off on the wrong foot last week. I was hoping maybe we could reset and try again.”

“‘Reset and try again’?”

Melendez is mocking her, or getting ready to do it, at least. Fuck, Katie knew this was a bad idea. 

She stands tall, gives a single, curt nod. “Yeah.” This conversation may be going south faster than she would’ve hoped, but she’s not about to tuck tail. 

Laughter bursts from Melendez's mouth, a loud, raucous guffaw of… Disbelief? Amusement? Katie’s not sure - but the laughter all the same can’t be a good sign, not when she’s trying to extend an olive branch. 

It starts with a smile, a malicious one.  “Look, blanquita, I dunno what you’re on right now, but let’s get somethin’ straight. We’re not friends; we’re competition - and even if we weren’t competin’ there’s no fuckin’ way I’d wanna be friends with you.” 

Her response doesn’t really shock Katie. At least, the first part of it doesn’t. 

It’s the second part that throws her. 

“You little white girls are all the same,” Melendez says, voice laced with poison. “You try to be friends with everyone so no one calls you out for being trash. Make me look like the bad guy for callin’ you out on your shit.”

“I don’t-”

“Shut the fuck up, yes you do. Grow up, blanquita. Stop tryin’ to be everyone’s friend and do your fuckin’ job, if you even can. They can’t help you if you suck.” 

And with that, Melendez pivots on one heel, and continues her march to her jet. She spares no second glance at Katie, who stands stock-still for a moment, blinking and staring at the spot she previously occupied. 

She didn’t think it was going to go that bad, but… yikes. That was pretty fucking bad. 

And the worst part of it? Maybe Melendez has a point. 

It’s a thought that plagues Katie as she climbs into the cockpit of her F-18, and takes off for an exercise that sees Melendez push her around and leave her feeling like shit about her flying. Maybe she’s right. Maybe she does suck and is trying to distract from it. It wouldn’t be the first time someone’s told Katie that she doesn’t measure up and that she’s only lying to herself. 

You know you’re not cut out for this. Why do you insist on embarrassing yourself?

No. No, no, no. Fuck that. 

Whether or not Melendez is right, it doesn’t matter. Katie can’t let that get to her. She’s worked far too hard and for far too long to be derailed by some little Brooklynite trying to pick a fight with her. 

Melendez wants competition? Fine then. Competition is what she’ll get. 

She’s gonna wish she hadn’t, though. 

***

The next day is much better - Katie’s relegated to an observer position while two other teams are sent up in the air. The two teams in question? Bojack and Wolverine, and Bones, Bob, and his front-seater Rapture. 

Now, everyone at TOPGUN knows as well as the next person that each pilot and NFO has their own distinct magic, that little bit of something that sets them above and apart from their peers in the aviation community. Katie’s knack for quick absorption is unparalleled. Fanboy and Halfpint are fast, efficient, precise. Hell, even Melendez has her magic; her doggedness and tenacity in the air make her one hell of a pilot. 

And then there’s Bob. 

Bob is a goddamn crack shot. His rate of accuracy is so near-perfect that it’s almost a little frightening to watch him and his front-seater rain destruction down below them. Of course, Rapture is plenty accurate and deadly on his own - but with Bob? Their targets don’t stand a chance. Rapture’s WSO is sharp and laser-focused and on the money every damn time, a deadeye of epic proportions. 

Katie can’t help but smile as she listens in on the radio chatter in the ready room and hears Bob and his front-seater slam-dunk the exercise. They’ve got their targets zeroed and smoldering within minutes, a far cry better than most of the others in class. 

Certainly a far cry better than her and Melendez yesterday. It stings, just the tiniest bit, but she tries not to let it bother her. Besides, why should it bother her that someone who’s clearly meant to be here just killed their bombing run? 

This boy is gonna be the one to blow them all out of the water. Katie just knows it. 

“Jesus - remind me never to cross you,” she murmurs to Bob after debrief. “You were like fuckin’ Annie Oakley out there.”

Bob’s mouth screws up in a small grin. “Yeah, well, Annie Oakley appreciates that. It’s nice when your peers tell you how lethal you are.”

“Oh, you. Still wanna grab Chipotle with me, Fanboy, and Halfpint?”

“Thought you’d never ask.” Bob matches his pace with Katie’s, sets his garrison cap upon his golden-brown head. “I’ve been dreaming of a double-protein bowl since Fanboy brought it up this morning.”

“You earned it, that’s for sure.”

He smiles again, wider and happier, and it sends a flutter through Katie’s chest. “I aim to please.”

And he certainly does. Bob Floyd is an incredibly gifted aviator. There’s no doubt that he will take top spot in their class. No doubt at all. 

And, quite frankly, Katie thinks, it couldn’t happen to a better person. 

***

“Do you drink coffee?”

It’s barely past 0630 on Wednesday, and Katie is already receiving texts - and from Bob, no less. 

At first she’s confused. She’s in the Navy; of course she drinks coffee. Caffeinated beverages are practically her lifeblood. 

Her brow furrows as she picks up her phone to respond. “Yeah? Lol. Why do you ask?”

A bare 10 seconds pass before a response is shooting into her inbox. “I’m brewing some in my room,” the text reads. “Happy to make you a cup if you’d like one.” 

Hm. An impromptu coffee date with Bob Floyd. Even if it is ridiculously early in the morning, Katie has to admit, that sounds quite nice. 

“Sure, I’ll swing by. What’s your room number?” 

“224. Just a heads up, I split the room with Rapture and he might be here when you come down. Sorry for that btw.”

“No worries. Be down in a minute.”

Thankfully, neither of them have to worry about Bob’s front-seater when she appears at his front door moments later. He’s stepping out as she’s coming in, heading off for breakfast in the lobby. 

Which leaves Katie quite alone with Bob in his room. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind, a small ripple of excitement passes through as she steps into the hotel room and shuts the door behind her. 

Living spaces, no matter how temporary, have always been an interesting thing for Katie. They paint a picture of the person occupying it, shed light on the parts hidden by polite social interactions and facades. 

Bob’s living space is simultaneously everything Katie figured it would be and absolutely nothing like what she thought. Frank Herbert’s Dune rests on the coffee table in the living room area, but so too does a battered, oft-read copy of Robert Jordan’s The Eye of the World and Pathfinder’s Core Rulebook. A sticker-emblazoned gaming laptop with a pulsating rainbow-colored keyboard rests on the kitchen counter, but it’s streaming soft, soothing coffeehouse jazz. And the coffee that Bob offered earlier? He has a whole setup for it, complete with a hand-cranked coffee grinder, water boiling on the stove in a lodge-supplied tea kettle, and a small French press. Whatever images or preconceived notions Katie had about Bob’s living space have been all but obliterated at this point. 

It’s more than that, though. The contents of the hotel room prove that things are nowhere near as simplified as she would’ve thought. There are layers to Bob; that much has been apparent since the moment they first met. Still, Katie didn’t think she’d ever really get to see them. The fact that she’s now standing here, seeing these parts of him - hell, that he’s letting her see these parts of him… 

She might actually have butterflies in her stomach right now. 

Bob putters around the small kitchen space with his flight suit half-zipped and the sleeves tied tight around his waist, one hand gripping the coffee grinder while the other cranks the handle. His face holds an expression of calm, collected concentration, almost like an artist’s. It’s a creative process for him, Katie realizes. How very him. 

“Do you take anything in your coffee?”

Katie makes a noise of indifference as she seats herself at the countertop. “Not really. I kind of just drink it how it’s presented to me.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. Why the double-check?”

“Well,” he replies as he dumps the freshly ground beans into the French press, “I ask because some people don’t like how I present coffee to them. I drink coffee black because it lets me taste the flavors and undertones better, but I know a lot of people who think drinking black coffee is like drinking charcoal, so…” 

“So give it to me black then.” When Bob makes a noise of protest, Katie rolls her eyes but smiles endearingly. “I’m a big girl, Bob. I can handle a little bitterness.” 

Bob only nods as he pours hot water into the press, then presses the grounds to the bottom with the plunger. When he pours the resulting liquid into a mug and slides it towards Katie, he does so with a look of nervous anticipation on his face, almost like her reaction determines how the rest of the morning - maybe even the day - plays out. 

Lucky for him, Katie’s reaction when she takes her first sip of coffee is a highly positive one. She’s no connoisseur; she can’t taste any flavors or notes or undertones, but she knows for damn sure that it’s a good cup of coffee. It’s smooth, warm and roasty, but not burnt. Clearly, Bob has good taste in the stuff. 

She smirks around the brim of her mug. “Well, it’s definitely not Maxwell House,” she says before taking another sip, a bigger one. 

“God, I hope that’s a good thing.”

“It is. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a special place in my heart for the cheap shit, but sometimes I want a cup of coffee that doesn’t taste like dirt.”

“Well then,” Bob replies as he seats himself beside her, “I’m happy to give you that second cup.”

“I’m happy to have it with you.” 

She says it before her brain can catch up with her mouth. It’s hardly that loaded of a statement, and somewhere in the back of her head, Katie knows that - but it doesn’t stop her from blushing, and damn-near crimson at that. Where did that come from?

What’s funny, though, is that Bob is blushing too, and just as red as Katie, if not more. It makes her wonder what’s going through his head in that moment. 

He takes a long, drawn-out sip of coffee, likely to help steady his nerves. “Uh, you know… I do this every day. Brew up some coffee, sit down, take some time to relax before class…” He takes another steadying sip of coffee, and the mug trembles in his hand, just the tiniest bit. “It’d be nice to have some company. Y’know, whenever.” 

The words hang in the air, and Katie contemplates them. It’s not like Bob asked her to marry him, but she can tell that even asking for something as low-key as a shared coffee before class is out of his comfort zone. That he’s putting himself out there like this, that he’s doing it for her, no less… 

Katie would be lying if she said her heart didn’t flutter in her chest. 

A small smile graces her face. “Happy to come by whenever,” she finally replies. 

She’s never been so glad to have accepted an invitation. 

***

Thursday rolls around with another round of paired hops and simulated bombing runs. Katie’s up first this time, paired with Fanboy and Halfpint. She’s had time to get her head on straight after Tuesday’s less-than-stellar hop with Melendez - and now? Her head’s more than screwed on straight; it’s a steel trap, a loaded spring ready to explode and execute. She’s pissed at how Tuesday went, and she wants that feeling of competence back. 

She can feel Melendez’s eyes boring into her as she passes by the ready room, can feel her smirking and sneering at her. No doubt she’s thinking there’s going to be a repeat of Tuesday’s hop. Like hell. 

The run winds up being everything Katie expects it to be and hopes for - her, Fanboy, and Halfpint all working together seamlessly and efficiently, zeroing their targets and raining ultra-precise hellfire down on them, getting in and getting out with not a second wasted. It’s everything Tuesday should’ve been, and everything the rest of her time here at TOPGUN will be. 

Needless to say, Melendez is no longer smirking when they all come out of debrief an hour later. 

And that is enough to put a smile on Katie’s face.

***

It’s Friday night, and all Katie wants to do is have a beer. A Deschutes beer, specifically. Something that she knows the Hard Deck doesn’t have on tap - not that she’s really complaining. She’s not in much of a mood to “go out” tonight. 

She could, however, wrangle up a friend or two to occupy the covered patio out back. That has the makings of a good time tonight. 

All she needs to do is grab a six-pack. 

It’s multitasking at its finest as she grabs her wallet and taps out a quick text to Bob. “Any interest in drinking tonight?” she asks him casually. “I’m about to head over to the NEX to get some beer.” 

The reply comes back sooner than Katie thought it would. “Funny you mention that; I’m actually at the NEX right now. What do you want? I can grab it for you.”

Huh. Well how about that. 

“Do they have Deschutes there?”

“I’ll take a look. What’s your plan b if they don’t?”

“Uhhhhhh Kona beer? If they have Longboard or Hanalei then that’ll work.”

“On it. I’ll let you know when I’m on my way back.”

“Sweet, sounds good.”

Well, that was easy enough. All Katie needs to do now is wrangle up some more company. 

She swaps over to her chat thread with Fanboy, begins to type. “Feel like drinking on the back patio tonight? Bob’s grabbing beer at the NEX; if you want anything I can text him and tell him to grab it for you.” 

She’s slipping an old red hooded flannel over her t-shirt when she gets a reply back from Fanboy - a picture, says the notification. When she opens the message, laughter bursts from her. Fanboy’s sent her a picture of himself jutting his thumb over his shoulder - and who happens to be standing behind him, holding up a six-pack of Shiner Bock and making a face for the camera? 

None other than Bob. 

“Wayyyyy ahead of u fam,” he replies in a second text. “Also Bob says they got deschutes here. They got fresh squeezed IPA and squeezy rider IPA.” 

“Ooooooooh definitely Squeezy Rider. Please and thank you.” 

“Bet. Grab us a spot downstairs? We’ll be back in 10.” 

“Will do.”

Without another word or text sent, Katie trots off for the elevator and makes her way downstairs, shuffling through the lobby to the back patio area, which is lit by the soft glow of brass torches. Coupled with several cushy seats in the area and the soft crash of the tide in the near distance, it provides just the right amount of relaxation and ambience for an easy Friday night in. 

She folds herself into one of the lounge chairs, starts up one of her quieter shoegaze playlists, smiling to herself. Yeah, this was definitely a good call for tonight. 

True to their word, Fanboy and Bob come waltzing through the door ten minutes later, each with beers in one hand and what looks like a bag of snacks in the other. For Fanboy, it’s Takis and mini pretzels. For Bob, it’s cool ranch flavored sunflower seeds and smoked mini sausages. Sure, it’s not the most inspired bunch of snacks - but food is food, and Katie is glad they at least had the thought to get some. 

“You’re a peach,” Katie beams when Bob comes over and hands off the coveted six-pack to her. “How much do I owe you?” 

Bob waves the question off and shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it.”

“No, c’mon, lemme pay you back-”

“Sand Trap, seriously, it’s fine.” He grins at Katie as he takes the lounge seat opposite hers, all nice and easygoing and good-natured, but the glint in his eyes makes it clear that the issue is no longer up for discussion. 

Well. Bob might not have taken very well to growing up in the South, but he sure as hell has the ‘southern gentleman’ mannerisms down pat. Isn’t that nice. 

Still, Katie can’t help but grumble. “Fine, but I’m buying next time.” She settles back in her seat, twists off the top on beer number one. She doubts he’ll let her pay for whatever it is they buy next time, but damned if she’s not going to try. 

“Yeah,” Bob hums around his first bottle of Shiner Bock, “we’ll see about that.” 

“I’m sure we will.” Yep, she was right about that one. Not giving it up that easily. Not that it’s a bad thing. Katie likes a guy with a sense of chivalry. “Pass me some of those sausages.”

Bob obliges, holding out the open bag to her, and she grabs a handful and fastens one between her lips. It’s punchy, full of minced hatch chilis and spice, a nice counter to the languid citrus haze of her beer. Not bad for cheap snack food from the NEX. 

“These are good,” she murmurs after a bite of sausage and a swallow of beer. “I’m gonna have to start buying these.” A snicker bubbles out of her mouth after a second. “Maybe that’s how I’ll repay you, Bob - just buy you a giant bag of hatch chili sausages.”

“Sand Trap-”

“Oh, c’mon Bob, I gotta repay you somehow! Lemme be nice!” Katie laughs, giggles tremoring in her chest as she takes another swill of beer. “Lemme be your friend and repay the favor.”

“You’re a plenty good enough friend without having to buy me stuff.”

And so the banter circles, and circles, and circles again. Katie’s not going to lie, it’s tiresome - but she keeps it up all the same. After all, it’s nice seeing Bob relax, nice seeing him engage in the dumb antics and arguments most others get themselves into. 

It’s nice seeing him comfortable. 

Speaking of being comfortable…

“Hey Bob?”

“Mmm?”

“You can call me Katie.” She can feel Fanboy’s amused side-eye boring into her the second she says it, but she doesn’t give a damn. Bob’s been her friend long enough; he’s certainly earned the privilege. 

His blue eyes glimmer behind his glasses, and the corners of them crinkle in time with the grin that spreads across his face. He says nothing, but he doesn’t have to - the look on his face says everything. 

“What about me? Can I call you Katie?”

“Loser - we literally established this the day we met!” 

“I know, but I wanted to get in on the moment! It was too cute to pass up!”

“You are the absolute worst,” Katie snickers before flicking a bottle cap in Fanboy’s direction. 

And there the three of them sit, drinking well into the wee hours of the night, snarking and poking fun at each other, vibing, laughing, living, basking. 

Few things truly are better than drinking with one’s fellow aviators. 

***

Week 3. Coffee with Bob in his hotel room at 0630 is a fairly daily occurrence now. Katie makes a note in her head that Monday morning to get her hands on some good coffee beans later in the day. It seems like the only proper ‘thank you’ for the man who’s been sharing his small supply of caffeine with her this past week. 

They’re sitting at his counter, scribbling their last little bits of homework before the day starts, sipping from their mugs while the usual coffeehouse jazz streams from his computer. Katie should be kicking herself for not having this done the night before, but she can’t be bothered to care too much. If anything, doing it now gives her a chance to cross-check things afterwards with Bob. 

Or so she says. 

“Y’know, it really is fascinating, what you can accomplish when you procrastinate,” Katie muses. 

“If stress and anxiety weren’t side effects of it, I’d do it more often.”

“Agreed. Although I’m not sure what you have to be stressed or anxious about. You’re easily the smartest guy in our class. If anything, I feel like this whole thing should be a slam dunk for you.”

Bob shrugs. “It’s only easy because I have my setup to worry about, nothing else. Point, shoot, done. You, on the other hand, have my ultimate respect because you do that AND fly at the same time.”

“I don’t think I’m very good at it, though. I’m doing my damnedest to prove my worth, but… I dunno.” Katie’s lips purse as she looks down at her work, scribbles in her final notes. “Honest truth? I dunno how I even wound up here. There are definitely way better pilots out there. They’d be more deserving of a spot here than me.” She’s stopped writing at this point, gaze downcast and jaw clenching tighter and tighter. God, how it pains her to admit that, but she knows it’s true. She’s been told that her whole life; it’s not like she can just wipe it from her mind, her entire existence. Hell, she heard it from Melendez last week. No amount of anger, hard work, or successful hops can erase that.

Why do you bother? You’re not good enough. You’ll never be good enough for them, Katherine Mae… They don’t know you like I do…

They don’t love you like I do.  

“Well, I think that’s a crock of shit,” Bob declares, voice cutting through the poison swirling in Katie’s head. “You’re a hell of a pilot, Sand Trap; someone clearly thought you deserve to be here. And I know that whoever sent you here, they’re not the only one thinking that.”

“Oh yeah? You one of those other people?” Katie mutters. 

There’s a beat of silence. Then…

“Yeah, actually, I am.”

Katie blinks, looks over at Bob, finds herself looking into his eyes, that endless stretch of cerulean. There’s an earnestness in them that makes her stomach clench and her breath hitch, just the tiniest bit. It’s not often that she hears serious reassurance like that. In fact, it’s rare, so rare that Katie finds herself at a bit of a loss for words. Or proper response. Or anything, really, because not only is it coming from a colleague of hers, it’s coming from him, from Bob, and how the fuck is she supposed to react to that, to someone like him actually giving a shit? 

She feels her face growing hot, burning red. She drops her head down, low enough so that he can’t see the embarrassment scorching across it. “Thanks,” she mumbles. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Bob smile. “I’d fly with you any day of the week and twice on Sunday, Sand Trap.” 

Her whole body is burning now, and whether it’s with pride, pleasure, or shame, she’s not sure. Whatever the case may be, it’s a first for her.

She needs to speak. That’s what she needs to do. 

It’s on the tip of her tongue to tell Bob ‘thank you’, to say some sort of one-and-done pleasantry - but all she can think to say, in that exact moment, is…

“Thought I told you to call me Katie, Bob.” 

Though he seems momentarily taken aback by the answer (maybe he was anticipating her saying ‘thank you’ too), Bob chuckles, his cheeks tinted with the barest hint of red. 

“I’ll keep that in mind from now on, Katie.” 

This time, Katie doesn’t even try to hide her face when heat tears across her cheeks. Something about Bob using her first name the way that he does, so innocent and personal… It does something to her. What the hell’s happening to her?

She coughs, cobbles her things together and tosses them into her black backpack. “We don’t, um… have that much time left before class. I’m just - I’m - um, I’m gonna go-” It’s abrupt, out of nowhere, and certainly nowhere near the calm, cool, and easygoing responses she usually gives, and all she wants to do immediately after saying it is kick herself, because Jesus Christ, could she look like any more of a psychotic dweeb? 

Bob, poor thing, seems just as confused. “Okay… Um… Guess I’ll see you in class then.” 

Katie’s bolting out of the room and shutting the door behind her before ‘yep’ has even passed her lips. She doesn’t want to stick around long enough for him to see the internal meltdown she’s about to suffer. He definitely doesn’t need to see that. 

“Seriously, Katie?” she hisses to herself as she marches down the hallway to the elevators. “What the fuck was that? He used your first name - after you LITERALLY told him to! Could you have reacted any more weirdly to that?” 

Well, I don’t know - when was the last time you let yourself entertain ANY sort of male attention? Especially from someone that you, oh, I don’t know, MIGHT HAVE AN INTEREST IN?

Could she, though? Could she really? 

No, Katie decides - no, insists - in the elevator ride down to the lobby. She and Bob are friends, nothing more. That’s the way it will be - the way it has to be.

Anything more than that and she risks opening wounds and exposing truths that should never see the light of day.

She shakes her head with a quiet snarl, makes her way out of the lodge and off to her car.

She’s gonna have to have a long conversation with herself when she’s done with everything for the day - a very fucking long one. 

***

It’s Tuesday evening, a late one. Katie’s been staring at the same piece of instruction on aerial bombing maneuvers for the last half hour now and none of the information has absorbed into her brain. Whether it’s due to the late hours or the fact that it’s fairly complex material, it’s refusing to stick - and Katie is rapidly losing her patience with it. 

With a huff of exasperated resignation, she tosses the paper away with no concern about where it lands, and thumps back against her bed’s headboard. What use is there in trying to force memorization? At this point she’s been reading and rereading the same three sentences with no clue of what they’re saying. Better to just say ‘fuck it’ for the night and pick up where she left off tomorrow, when her brain - and patience - is refreshed. 

She lets her eyes slide shut with a sigh, thoughts tapering off into nothingness, welcoming the call of a peaceful night’s sleep…

Until the sound of her phone buzzing, rattling on the nightstand jars her awake again.

The phone continues to buzz on the nightstand, her sister’s name and number scrolling across the screen. Katie frowns. Naomi’s talkative, sure, but she’s not really the type to reach out with a phone call - not unless there’s something going on. What could be going on at close to 2230 on a Tuesday, Katie’s not sure, but she hopes it’s nothing too serious.

She rolls over, grabs the phone off the nightstand, accepts the call. “Hey kiddo, what’s up?”

“Katherine.”

Katie’s stomach lurches and her blood runs cold. Her. Oh god, her. 

It’s a fight to maintain composure, to not fly into a seething, furious rage at the mere sound of her voice. Four years since she last saw her and Katie’s still licking the wounds from her last encounter with her. This bitch is the last person she wants to talk to. 

“Carrie.”

She makes a sound on the other end - a ‘tut’ of disdain, Katie realizes. Jesus - is she actually thinking of scolding her, of shaming her?”

“‘Carrie’? Is that any way to address the woman who gave birth to you? I-”

“You lost that ‘mom’ title a long time ago and you know it,” she hisses before immediately closing her eyes and clenching her jaw. Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, she can’t be snapping like that. It’s how she pulls her into her bullshit; it’s how she’s always done it. Katie needs to calm down, and fast. 

She inhales through her nose, exhales forcefully, grips the phone tight in her hand, evens her breathing and pitch. “What do you want?”

“Well, I want to talk to you,” Carrie replies, as if the answer is obvious. “I just found out that my oldest daughter’s on the West Coast; why else would I be calling?”

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe I don’t want to talk to you?” No, of course not, Katie thinks. This is her mother; the only person she’s ever paid close attention to is herself. The feelings and boundaries of her kids don’t matter to her. They never have. 

“Why would you say something so horrible? What have I done to deserve that?”

Katie doesn’t even try to swallow her cackle of incredulity. “Are you serious? Do you want a list of all the shit you’ve done? I mean Jesus Carrie, you stole Naomi’s phone to get to me!”

“Let me remind you that I pay the bills in this family, and that includes the one for your sister’s phone. I may allow her to use it, but this is MY phone, understand?”

She’s pulling her into her bullshit already; Katie can feel it. Her immediate response should be to cut her off and end the conversation right here, just like she’s done countless times before - and yet, she can’t. It’s been a long week and it’s not even over yet. She’s tired, her guard is down, and after the last two minutes, her blood pressure is climbing and threatening to spill over. If anyone should know how pissed off and exhausted she is, it’s Carrie. 

“Do you hear yourself? What kind of fucked up ‘no privacy’ bullshit are you on?”

“Oh, don’t you lecture me, Katherine Mae. I do what I do to keep this family together. And if this is what I have to do to keep my other daughter from abandoning it like you did, then so be it.” 

Oh, that’s it. That’s fucking it. Katie’s not doing this anymore. 

“Well, you clearly haven’t changed, so I no longer feel compelled to keep this conversation going.” 

“Katherine, don’t you dare-”

“I’m done, Carrie. Give Naomi her phone back and don’t call me again.” 

Katie then disconnects the call before Carrie has the chance to protest, the action decisive, unwavering, final. She should’ve ended that call a long time ago, and she knows she’ll be kicking herself for it later, but she’s out of it now and that’s all that matters. That bitch isn’t getting to her anymore tonight; she won’t let her. 

But goddamn, did she come close to it. 

Worse still, Katie knows it probably won’t be the only time that it happens - that Carrie finds ways to pull her back into her lies and abuse. This is only the start. And though she might’ve had the strength to shut Carrie down this time, there’s no guarantee that she’ll have it for the next run-in with her. 

And that? That scares Katie. It scares the living shit out of her. 

She needs an escape. Now. Before the memories threaten to consume her. 

She slips in her Airpods, puts on Drop Nineteens’ Kick the Tragedy, cranks the volume to drown out the voices and nightmares swirling in her head, and pulls her knees tight to her chest, trembling. 

It’s a position she stays locked in for the rest of the night. 

***

“Does this instruction make any sense to you or am I just stupid?” 

Katie’s currently sitting at a corner table in the buffet area with Bob, surrounded by notebooks, scattered sheets of paper, and small stacks of flight manuals. The piece of instruction Katie’s currently focused on is the same one from the night before, but she’s reading and poring over it with a renewed sense of determination (and spite, if she’s being honest) - or, at least, she’s trying to. It’s still as dense and heavy as when she last read it and it’s still not willing to stick in her brain. 

She groans loudly when Bob glances over at the paper and shakes his head, thumps her head into her forearms. “I’m so fucked for this test on Friday,” she moans. “This is 65 percent of what we’re being tested on and I can’t” - thump - “fucking” - thump - “understand it.” 

“Maybe put it down then, focus on something else?” 

“I dunno. Maybe. My brain’s soup at this point.”

“Hm.” Bob drums his fingers contemplatively on the tabletop, seems to rack his brain for a solution. It isn’t until he glances down at the watch fastened around his wrist, though, that he comes up with something - and that ‘something’ involves him packing up all their study materials, rising to his feet, and gently pulling Katie to her feet by her elbow. 

At first, she’s confused. “What are you doing?”

“Stopping for the night. We’ve been at this for the last four hours and it’s almost 11.”

“So?”

“So, that would explain why you’re having a hard time absorbing material,” Bob explains. “You’re tired; your brain’s not gonna absorb much when you’re tired.”

He says it so calmly, so simply. Fuck, it is simple, and Katie knows it. But, somewhere in the back of her mind… she can’t bring herself to go along with it. She’s a fighter pilot. More importantly, she’s a 1% fighter pilot in arguably the most challenging course the Navy has to offer. She should be soaking this material up, not getting stuck on the particulars of two-man air-to-surface strikes, literally the simplest shit. What kind of pilot is she if she can’t even figure this out? A lousy one, that’s what-

“Katie.”

Bob’s voice seems to melt through the nagging in her head, rendering it to little more than a whisper. She blinks, slowly, drifts back into reality, her very tired, very sleep-deprived reality. 

Okay. Maybe he has a point. Exhaustion is definitely doing a number on her. 

But hell if she’s going to admit it out loud. 

Somewhat thankfully, Bob seems to pick up on that reluctance and speaks for her. “Here, I’ll walk you up.” He reaches a hand out, as if to touch her, but seems to think better of it after a second and pulls it back, choosing instead to nod in the direction of the elevators. “C’mon.” 

They’re quiet as he escorts Katie up to the third floor and down the corridors to her room. When they finally come to a stop at her door, the exhaustion has set in with a swiftness and intensity she hasn’t seen since she was in OCS. She wonders briefly how she ever managed to power through it.

Bob takes her key card, swipes it across the reader and opens the door for her. “Get some sleep,” he tells her, voice soft. “I’ll hit you up in the morning, ‘kay?”

Katie nods mutely, steps over the threshold, allows Bob to pull the door closed. The exhaustion is weighing on her so heavily now that she doesn’t even react when it thuds shut more loudly than she’s used to. 

Bob’s right - she really does need to sleep. 

She trudges into her bedroom, fingers fumbling as she sets an alarm for 0600, then tosses the phone on the nightstand and falls face-first into the bed. She’s asleep seconds after her head hits the pillow, but not before her thoughts give a final whirl ‘round the study material, her pride in being a pilot, and her soft-spoken, bespectacled WSO classmate - the one who will be there for her in the morning. 

And sure enough, he is, for when Katie wakes up the next day at 06, there’s a single-word text waiting for her in her messages:

“Coffee?”

***

Two days later, after an extended study session with Bob and Fanboy the night before, Katie walks out of the test on Friday with two errors shy of a perfect score. The ironic part? The errors were on material completely unrelated to what she’d been stressing over two days ago. 

When she tells Bob and Fanboy as much on their way back to the lodge, they each respond with a shake of their head and a quiet laugh. 

“See, smartypants?” Fanboy says. “Told ya you’d be fine. Gotta learn to trust yourself more.” 

“Yeah, I’m working on that. Celebratory beer at the Hard Deck later?” 

“Don’t have to convince me.” Fanboy looks over at Bob, raises a questioning, but friendly eyebrow at him. “You tagging along or are you laying low?” 

“I mean, I gotta take a nap and catch up on the sleep I lost last night,” Bob replies casually, “but, uh… I could be persuaded.” He looks directly at Katie when he says the last part, making it abundantly clear that if anyone’s going to persuade him, it’s going to be her. 

And goddamn, if that doesn’t set the butterflies afrenzy in her stomach.

“Yeah, I’ll, uh, I’ll let you know what’s going on.” Katie’s attempt at replying in equally casual fashion is damn-near a failure; the pitch of her voice squeaks higher with each word she speaks. She’s not sure why it’s happening, but speaking or replying to Bob these days seems to be doing a number on her nerves. “Honestly, I’m probably gonna take a nap too; I’m feeling kinda’ dead.” 

“How late did you guys stay up after I left?” Fanboy asks them quizzically. 

Katie shakes her head. “Trust me, you don’t wanna know.” She herself is running on five hours of sleep; nerves and stress made it difficult for her to rack out at her usual time, wiring her awake well into the wee hours of the morning. A nap is an absolute necessity at this point if she has any desire to socialize later. “Meet up in the lobby in a couple hours?”

Bob nods. “Works for me.” 

The three of them pile into Katie’s 4Runner and putter their way back to the lodge, Catherine Wheel thrumming from the speakers as the mid-afternoon sun brightens the world around them. Were it not for the fact that she wants to be horizontal for her nap, Katie would be damn tempted to put her seat back and catch up on sleep in the warmth of her car.  

Bob splits off from Fanboy and Katie in the parking lot, leaving the two of them to stroll into the lobby together and ride an elevator up to their respective floors. For the most part, it’s quiet, comfortably shared silence between two friends. It’s short-lived, however; just before the elevator dings to a stop at his floor, Fanboy leans in towards Katie, eyebrow quirked inquiringly, smugly. 

“So, not a whole lotta sleep between you two… Was that all code for something and I just completely missed it, or-”

“Fanboy, I swear to God-”

Fanboy only snickers before splitting off for his room on the second floor, leaving Katie alone and red-faced in the elevator. Jesus Christ - if he keeps making comments like that, she might actually have to kill him. 

“‘Code for something’...” Katie mutters when the elevator reaches the third floor and she stomps off to her room. “Fucking menace.” If she didn’t know any better, she’d say that Fanboy was actively trying to push her and Bob together. 

Whatever. She’s not going to dedicate anymore thought to it, no sir - especially when she’s tired and still coming down from the stress of their test earlier. 

She loosens her laces and kicks off her flight boots, falling into the mattress with her hair still bunned and flight suit still zipped, settling in for some sleep that practically blacks her out for the next few hours. 

Later, after a nice, long, well-deserved nap and some dedicated relaxation time, the three of them are clustered around a high-top table at the Hard Deck, a small bowl of salted peanuts in the middle, beers of various brands in hand as they muse about their first three weeks at TOPGUN. They decide that, for as hard and as break-neck fast as it’s been going, all in all, it hasn’t been a bad experience so far. They’re conditions befitting their jobs - and lord knows, it hasn’t been boring. 

“Kinda’ makes me worry, though,” Bob murmurs. “We’re only three weeks in and it’s already been a helluva challenge. What are the other ten gonna be like?” 

Fanboy snorts, takes a swill of his pilsner. “You’re not telling me you’re scared, are you?”

“Apprehensive is more like it.”

“Eh, same difference. Not like you need to be scared though. It’s obvious you’re top brain in the class. You’ll get through this shit just fine.” 

“Yeah, so I’ve been told.” Bob’s eyes dart over to Katie for the briefest moment, holding her gaze for an even briefer moment before returning to the bottle in his hand. “I’m just waiting to see where Everhardt takes us next, and, y’know, trying to prepare myself for it.” 

“Understandable.” 

“I mean, if the next ten weeks are anything like the last three, just assume he’s gonna try to run us into the ground and proceed from there,” Katie shrugs. “I’ve already resigned myself to getting my ass handed to me; you might as well do the same.”

“Says the girl who aced her test earlier,” Fanboy scoffs. 

“Almost aced her test earlier.”

“Oh whatever. You’re smart. You’ll be fine. Fuck, you’ll both be fine; you guys’ll probably take the top two spots.”

“Well, I’m certainly gonna try,” Bob murmurs with a bashful smile. “Can’t be helped if I get bested by this girl over here though.”

Fanboy shakes his head and sighs, but he does it with a smirk on his face. “This guy…”

“Nah, you’ll definitely best me, Bob; there’s no question about it.”

“We’ll see about that,” he replies. “May the best aviator win.”

“I’ll drink to that.” Katie raises her bottle. “While we’re at it, here’s to making it through air-to-surface.”

“And the first three weeks,” Fanboy chimes in as he raises his. 

Bob’s the last to raise his, and his accompanying sentiment really rounds the evening out. “Onward to the next and best.”

Clink. 

@thestagsheadsblog @everything-i-love-in-life @luckyladycreator2 @docdetective @airedale17

[queerasaurus-rexx]

you know what i realized yesterday?

i didn't know what the other clusters of personality disorders were. i only learned of the a and c clusters in a youtube video about (of all things) bbc sherlock and how it violates the premise of the original sherlock's premise.

see, i'd sort of always assumed that, because there are cluster b personality disorders there must be cluster a's but i never thought to look into them, and i recognize this is a personal failing, but i also realized that i'm probably not the only one.

cluster b gets a lot of attention because it has a lot of the 'scary' personality disorders ie. aspd, bpd and npd (histronic personality disorder tends to get forgotten but i see you guys) and thus gets discussed more.

so i decided to do more research and i learned something interesting about how personality disorders are categorized.

cluster a personality disorders are marked by social isolation, withdrawal and general awkwardness. cluster a includes paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder and schizotypal.

cluster b's are, of course, marked by emotional regulation issues. they're listed above.

cluster c personality disorders are marked by anxiety and fear. cluster c includes avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder, and obsessive-compulsive personality disorder.

something that stuck out to me is how similar some of these disorders are on the surface. this is even commented on in the dsm-5. this isn't surprising, as many of these can be co-morbid even across clusters.

however i do wonder if the reason clusters a and c get less light shed on them is because they run so easily alongside cluster b sometimes without the person knowing.

for years i thought the symptoms of my avoidant personality disorder were just facets of my borderline personality disorder expressing themselves stronger than others. i denied myself the very necessary exposure therapy i needed because i never thought to speak to a therapist about my anxiety.

and let's not beat around the bush; we don't like to talk about any mental illness or disorder that has 'schizo' in the name. i have seen people who i know to have serious mental health issues say people with any disorder on the schizophrenia spectrum are 'the real crazies' so it becomes demonstrably easier to ignore cluster a personality disorders because of that. (note that schizoid personality disorder isn't on the schizophrenia spectrum but again - that prefix.)

we need to show more solidarity with our friends in clusters a and c.

[giritina]

This is so weird to see as someone who made one post abt cluster B in solidarity and otherwise only posts abt my cluster A and C pds lol

[hypnosiacon-archived]

i might make cluster a and cluster c solidarity flags too if i get the chance

Ooooh How about General Cluster Disorder solidarity flag? :0

[nineteensixtyeightpontiacgto]

about

This is a sideblog for fun and whimsy because frankly, we deserve it. We don’t do syscourse and I say this very frankly: if you call us a “sysmed” for ANY reason at all, get fucked. Also blocked. We’re a cluster b system and have solidarity with all of cluster b, yes, even THOSE disorders. (And solidarity with cluster a, c, and psychotics!)

Trans, queer, pro m-spec gay/lesbian, bi/pan solidarity, aroace, we reclaim slurs here, you don’t know us so you don’t get to decide how we identify or what we get to reclaim. Stop yer pearl-clutching.

We are anti-car and car culture, anti-suburbia. However. I still like cars. I know, it’s problematic. But cars look so cool. I love sports cars but also vintage cars. I long to have a 1968 Pontiac GTO, black, leather seats. Just for the display. (Also: we like cars purely for their aesthetic reasons, we do not understand car mechanics nor do we wish to but also fuck Tesla and fuck Elon Musk).

Host is a fan of Vampire the Masquerade and is constantly trying to fix the very messy, fucked up lore. But I like vampire clans :3c. Furries. Well, like two. The rest were forcibly assigned fursonas despite not being furries.

Fandoms to expect:

BNHA

Devilman Crybaby

Kakegurui

Death Note

Mirai Nikki

Grey’s Anatomy

VtM (and Dark Ages: Vampire, Victorian Ages Vampire)

Furry

Critical Role & Dimension 20

LA by Night (namely Nelli G)

Skyrim

Sims

[tyrannuspitch]

WAIT

I’VE HAD A BREAKTHROUGH

BAZ PITCH HAS OCPD

[paranoidpdsuggestion]

do you hate me too? everyone does, so why wouldn’t you as well?

[your-fav-has-avpd]

Hi

Hello there fellow people on Tumblr dot com!

I created this blog as a creative escape to create pictures featuring your favourite characters with AvPD!

Keep in mind I won't do headcanons of real people/ requests that seem to be trolling or make me uncomfortable. Otherwise I'll do whichever character(s) you ask!

Please be clear about the media they're from too to avoid mistakes.

Which flag I'll be using? Well, here it is! Hope you like it!

Cyan for our need to be alone and recollect ourselves

Purple to express solidarity between cluster C

Gray for the perception of being boring and plain but warm because there's just so much more underneath

Black for the deep feelings of shame and fear characteristic of AvPD

Feel free to use it yourselves if you like :3

[sunkern-plus]

poison and roxy are cluster b cluster c solidarity

(poison is borderline and histrionic and roxy is dependent with avoidant traits)

[levbug]

𝐏𝐑𝐄-𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐉𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 — 𝐠𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐤𝐢 𝐭.

#pairings ー  goshiki tsutomu x gender neutral! reader

#warnings ー second year! goshiki, self-doubt, panic attacks, swearing (courtesy of shirabu)

#wc ー 1.7k

the first match of the year was always important to the players of shiratorizawa. to some, it signified the starting of something new and exciting, a journey to make the shiratorizawa team better than they were previously. to remind others that they were still a powerhouse school, despite past losses. to others, it meant proving yourself as the player you wanted to be.

goshiki was torn between both categories. he wanted to carry his team as a strong ace (preferably deemed stronger than his predecessor) and with pride. he wanted to be reliable. the backbone of the team. the one everyone could count on when they were in a pinch.

but how could he do that when he had been reduced to a sobbing, shaking mess?

he was surrounded by his teammates, who were trying to calm him down. the second and third years were fussing over him, trying to hype him up while the shy first years stood quietly to the side, pitying their senior. however, the encouraging words of goshiki's teammates fell on deaf ears as his breathing only quickened.

"shit," shirabu cursed under his breath, standing up from his squatting position in front of goshiki. he knew exactly how the young ace was feeling since he had been made captain after all the third years left. still, he was level-headed enough to not have a panic attack just 30 minutes before their first game of the year.

"somebody find (last name)!" his order spurred the stagnant first years, who were waiting on the tips of their toes to be allowed to help their much-respected senior. one of them (shirabu wasn't too familiar with the players who weren't in the starting roster) nodded and immediately left the locker room to find the said person.

"i've tried everything," kawanishi muttered, toying with the tape he had on his fingers. shirabu sighed. "are you sure (last name) can calm the guy down?"

shirabu nodded, his nervous ticks coming out. he anxiously checked at his nail beds, teeth almost cutting through the skin. "let's just hope they can."

just as the words left his mouth, the door slammed open. all eyes were on the entryway, startled by the sudden entrance.

"i'm here! where is he?" your eyes searched for your boyfriend, who you had been told was getting some pre-game jitters. no one had been given a chance to respond to your question because once your gaze landed on the cluster of boys who were surrounding a bench, you made a beeline for them.

shirabu and kawanishi silently thanked all the deities that they believed in, just thankful that you were finally here. "let's give them some privacy." the shorter male nudged his friend, who immediately got the message. kawanishi silently gestured for the rest of the team to follow him and shirabu out of the locker room.

you and goshiki barely noticed the other boys leaving the room—you were too focused on fussing over the shaking boy.

"tsutomu? focus on my voice, love," you ordered softly, holding his trembling hands between yours. goshiki sniffled, muttering a string of incoherent words as his grip on your fingers tightened. "it's okay, tsu. i'm here now."

you wrapped your arms around his neck. he buried his face in the crook of your neck, unaware of the tears and snot staining your clothes. you didn't care though, you only held him tighter. "wanna tell me what's on your mind?" your voice was soft, not wanting to force him into telling you if he didn't want to.

goshiki lifted his head, eyes red and glassy. you brought a hand up to caress his flushed cheeks, a small frown on your face. "i-i...i'm not—" he started to say, but started sobbing again. you waited for him to calm down, muttering reassuring words and telling him he shouldn't have to worry now because it was just him and you. after a few moments, he was able to level his breathing. "i just—what if i'm n-not as good as ushijima?"

his voice cracked at the last syllable, clearly ashamed to admit this. "oh, tsutomu..." you sighed, resting your forehead on his shoulder. you couldn't see it, but you knew goshiki's lip was starting to tremble. "you don't need to feel that way. you know you don't need to compare yourself to him."

"i kn-know!" he hiccuped. "it's j-just that...what if—what if i'm not a-as dependable?" he asked, head hanging low. "i-if we didn't win against karasunoー" he clenched his fists "ーeven with ushijima, what makes you think we can win with me as the ace? i'm nowhere near as skilled as he is, even if i keep boasting about it..." he sighed. his tone had become sombre and the air surrounding you two became thicker.

tears sprang into your own eyes as he voiced his worries. the anxiety and pressure goshiki had been feeling in the days leading up to this point must have been a great amount. and to think that he must have been hiding all this from you for the past few days (weeks? months? you weren't even sure). 'he must have been so scared,' you thought.

"i'm sorry, tsutomu!" you apologized, surprising the boy seated before you. goshiki snapped out of his thoughts, head tilted slightly in confusion. "i'm sorry you felt like you had to keep all of these thoughts to yourself!" you bunched up the material of his jersey between your hands. goshiki tried to take your hands in his, but you wouldn't budge. instead, you stared him straight in the eye, gaze unrelenting. "but please, please know that you should never feel that way! ushijima may have been a strong player, but he got there because of his will to learn and improve. tsutomu, everyone has doubts about their talents or skills. everyone has that time in their life when they don't know if they're good enough. the only difference is whether or not you want to use that as a chance to improve or give up completely!"

tears were now flowing freely down your cheeks. goshiki stared at you, slack-jawed and eyes wide. "and i don't care which you choose, because i will always be with you. no matter what. and that's a promise." your voice wavered at the end of your sentence, too overwhelmed by your feelings.

goshiki barely felt the fresh round of tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time they were for a different reason. a cheeky smile tugged on the corners of his lips. "do you mean that? you'll always be with me?" he poked your cheek, clearly in a better mood now.

you wiped your tears, laughing breathlessly at his words. "is that what you got from my speech?" he laughed as well, eyes twinkling delightedly when you placed a soft peck on his knuckles. "but since you're wondering, yeah. i plan to spend my entire life with you, whether you want it or not!"

goshiki grinned, peppering your face with small kisses. you squealed at him to stop, and he did (but not without one last chaste kiss on your lips). he smiled at you, eyes filled with love and admiration. goshiki had never felt this feeling before, but he was glad that he felt that way for you.

"thank you, (first name)," he muttered into your hair. the strands tickled him softly when you nestled deeper into the embrace. "i needed to hear that." he whispered. you smiled, intertwining your fingers with his: your hand, just as always, fit perfectly with his.

"it's no biggie, love." you kissed his cheek, giggling when he turned a light shade of red. you sat with him a few moments more, just enjoying the peace and solidarity with your boyfriend. it wasn't until the faint cheering of the crowd outside did you realize that goshiki would miss his game if he didn't leave now. "tsutomu! what are you doing, just sitting around? you have a match in less than five minutes!"

"right, right!" goshiki scrambled to his feet, taking you with him. his tears had long ago dried, the glassy shine replaced by usual fire that burned within him.

he led you to the doorway, bouncing on the balls of his feet with an expectant look on his face. you smiled, knowing he was waiting for. "good luck out there, ace." you moved to kiss his cheek. feeling cheeky, goshiki tilted his head so you would kiss his mouth instead. you gasped in surprise, but melted into the kiss.

goshiki pulled away with a soft sigh, his hand cupping your cheek gently. "i love you." he whispered. you felt your cheeks heat up at the sincerity of his words. "i love you, too." goshiki beamed at you. his smile was infectious and you soon found yourself reciprocating it.

neither of you noticed the squeaking of rubber soles on the linoleum floor. one of goshiki's teammates rounded the corner, stopping abruptly when he saw the position that you and goshiki were in. "a-ah, sorry to disrupt you!" he quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to ruin the intimate moment any further. "c-coach washijo told me to tell you that the match will be starting soon."

you and goshiki parted from each other, wearing small, sheepish smiles. the ace scratched his head, a low, embarrassed chuckle slipping past his lips. "right," goshiki nodded at the first year, who bowed once more in apology before scampering away. "i'll see you later, yeah?"

you nodded, giving him a tight-lipped smile. "do your best out there, okay? no more of that self-doubt stuff. promise?" you held your pinky out to him. he chuckled before linking his pinky finger with yours.

"i promise," he grinned. a faint shout of his name from around the corner snapped you both out of your little bubble and goshiki finally let go of you. "i've got to go now," he said sadly. "but promise you'll keep your eyes on me the entire time?" he asked, eyes twinkling. you nodded, murmuring a soft 'yeah,' in response. "good! i'll see you after the game. i promise to make you proud!"

and with one last kiss on your head, goshiki left. you watched his receding figure with a dazed grin, butterflies erupting in your stomach just like they did when you had first met him.

"you always make me proud, tsutomu."