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jasonbehrs · 3 years

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something that i already know

by airauralintensity (aka me, jasonbehrs!)

As soon as Siwon says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong’s astute, masterful, beautiful mind… But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn’t provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

fandom: kpop, super junior characters: siwon, shindong, eunhyuk ships: shinwon, sihyuk genres: friendship, angst, romance themes: slice of life, one-sided crush, angst with a happy ending setting: high school into college; metro seoul area, south korea word count: 12.7k

read it below or on ffnet, aff, wattpad

A/N (05/01/2021): Hi, ELF! This is my first Super Junior fanfic :) Title comes from the Backstreet Boys song of the same name; cover image is made by me; and if you recognise anything in the fic, that means I don't own it. Happy reading!

~~~

It's never easy being the new kid in school, and Donghee is no exception. He has no friends; he has to play a lot of catch-up in the first few weeks because where his old teachers left off doesn't match up to where his new teachers are picking up; and he has to spend precious emotional energy acclimating to the culture and social politics.

Add in the fact that it's senior year, and he's at the most elite academy in Gyeonggi on a scholarship—he's seen this K-drama before. He knows how it ends.

"Hey! You're the new kid, Shin Donghee, right? Can I sit here?"

Admittedly, Tall, Bright, and Handsome doesn't usually come up to bully the new kid with such a charming smile on his face in the script, but Donghee still knows his role.

"Yeah, got it. Sorry. Didn't know this was your seat," he mumbles as he hurriedly packs up his lunch and books. He's not trying to make waves on his first day, thank you very much.

"No, no," T.B.H. puts out his hand to stop him from putting his planner away, and Donghee is shocked into stillness from the glaringly off-script performance that the other is putting on. "I meant, like, can I sit with you? I didn't know if you wanted to sit alone or not; but if you wanted the option for company, here I am."

Another winsome smile graces the other's face, and Donghee's eyes narrow. "Are you sure you wanna sit with the scholarship kid?" he asks sardonically. He isn't trying to get away anymore, but he's still not convinced he's welcome here.

Tall, Bright, and Handsome's light dims just a bit, but his pout is still effortlessly charming. It's almost offensive. "Come on. We're not like that here."

Donghee looks no further than just above the other's shoulder and sees a group of girls whispering and giggling in their direction. He looks back at the well-meaning but clueless hero of the story and raises an unimpressed eyebrow. T.B.H. looks over his shoulder to see what he saw, and he at least has the grace to be embarrassed when he turns back around.

Donghee is prepared to give a half-conciliatory, half-I told you so parting glance, but the other student keeps talking. "I'll admit, that's not a good look for us," he says with a grimace, "but would you believe me if I said they were acting like that because of me and not you?"

Considering he's been calling the guy 'Tall, Bright, and Handsome' in his head this whole time, yeah, he could believe it.

Hoping against hope that he isn't about to regret this, Donghee sits back down at the lunch table. T.B.H.'s smile is so bright, Donghee thinks he saw one of the guy's front teeth actually sparkle. "I'm Choi Siwon," he introduces as he extends his hand. Donghee shakes it and wryly thinks to himself that of course T.B.H.'s real name means 'cool.'

~~~

To nobody's surprise, Siwon is part of the popular crowd, which Donghee determines by the look on everyone's faces when Siwon invites him to sit with his friends at lunch the next day. The guys weren't exactly welcoming, but they were polite. He doesn't know whether maybe Siwon said something to them or not about being nice to the new kid; but honestly, he'll take it. He's still not entirely convinced that this is the setup for some sort of 'Carrie' situation or something. It's senior year after all, so prom is coming up.

It isn't until Siwon invites them all over to study together that things shift.

"Bro, what the fuck," Kangin says out of the blue, causing everyone to look up and causing Donghee to drop the pencil he was playing with. Kangin is staring at him—more specifically, his hand—and everyone's attention turns to him instead.

"Uh," he intones, not sure what is happening here and suddenly feeling the urge to look up.

"Do that again," Kangin demands, gesturing at Donghee's hand. His fingers twitch involuntarily at the command, but he genuinely has no clue what he's meant to do. He looks to Siwon with a clear plea for help on his face.

"Youngwoon, what gives?" Siwon asks, using Kangin's real name to snap him out of whatever is captivating the varsity baseball captain.

"Donghee was legit balancing a fucking pencil on his finger!" Kangin exclaims while gesturing helplessly at Donghee's hand.

Donghee understands immediately. "Ah, sorry. I forgot I did that." Without further prompting, he balances his pencil on its eraser at the tip of his middle finger. He moves his hand side to side for fun, showing off how the graphite tip stays roughly at the same point in the air all the while. With a flick of his finger, he launches the pencil up and catches it in mid-air, smoothly transitioning to end with a bow in his seat with the same gesture.

He looks up to find four slack-jawed teenage boys, and he brags, "I can do that with basically anything I can lift."

All pretenses of studying are summarily discarded in favour of testing this theory. Donghee easily balances notebooks, folding chairs, and even a curtain pole (dismantled from the window by an excited Heechul and reinstalled by an amused Siwon).

Once the others are thoroughly entertained, they don't want to go back to studying. Alas, they are at Siwon's house; as rich as he is, he doesn't have any convenient distractions (which Donghee surmises is the point of going to Siwon's to study in the first place). Kibum's the one to recommend just going to the local convenience store and walking around for no reason, which feels a lot like acceptance to Donghee.

In fact, it isn't long until he finds himself hanging out with some of the guys sans Siwon.

Kibum hands Donghee part of his deck for some trading card game he's never even heard of before, much more played; but after two rounds and a gradual learning of the rules, Donghee is now locked into a 1v1 match against Kibum, having just killed Heechul's last creature card.

"You sure your name's Shin Donghee and not Hee Shindong?" Heechul mutters as he throws his cards on the table. "Like, what can't you do?"

Donghee isn't paying him any attention then, instead supremely focused on using his impromptu green-black strategy to beat Kibum with his own deck.

So he's surprised when the next day Heechul slaps his back and says, "Yah! Shindong! I've been calling you for like five minutes!" as he falls into step with Donghee on his way to school. "Run me through the lymphatic system one more time." Donghee obligingly pulls out his notebook and helps his friend cram for their biology quiz that day, but his mind is somewhere else.

He's never had a nickname before, and he likes it.

~~~

Siwon is nothing like what he expects.

He spends most of his free time with the guys now, and he keeps coming back to that realisation.

Siwon is touchy. Like, more affectionate than a dog or a baby could be—combined. Kibum may be the youngest, but Siwon is the baby, and no one seems to mind treating him as such. Shindong is a man who likes his personal space, but Siwon's touches are so genuinely friendly and joyful that he finds himself readily inviting them into his bubble.

Siwon is expressive. Casual observers would never notice more than his charming smile and runway-ready neutral gaze, but he and the guys know better than that. Siwon talks with his whole body. His amusement is measured in congratulatory high-fives, and his stress in head shakes and tapping fingers. Shindong can always tell what he's thinking and feeling.

Siwon is down-to-earth. He's the richest in their friend group by a whole social class, but nothing about him plays on Shindong's financial insecurities. In fact, the first time Shindong hosted his friends over, the power went out, and Siwon was the only one who happened to recognise the strategically placed candles and matches around the living room. He wordlessly helped Shindong light them back up and suggested they take advantage of the dark to tell scary stories. Shindong will always be grateful for that.

Siwon is single. Sure, he doesn't give off playboy vibes, but he is certainly the poster child for monogamy. Shindong would not have been surprised to meet a loving, long-term girlfriend who is just as angelic as Siwon is and somehow twice as gorgeous, but no such person exists. Shindong has seen girls confess to Siwon literally once a day since they became friends (the record for a single day is currently four confessions), but Siwon graciously yet firmly denies them all.

Siwon is his best friend. It starts with study sessions, which turn into de-stress movie nights, which turn into sleepovers—and before he knows it, people from teachers to strangers start considering them a package deal. Shindong doesn't mind, of course. Siwon is less intense when he's not around the others, more introspective and goals-oriented—and Shindong can relate. It's great to have a friend who gets both sides of him and around whom he can comfortably show both sides. He didn't have one at his old school, but he's glad he has someone now.

~~~

"Want the rest of my pork?" Kibum offers Shindong at lunch. "Nah, I don't believe in cannibalism," Shindong says, even as he begins transferring the meat over to his own lunch tray.

The table is silent for a moment, but luckily he places his tray down just as Kangin decides to lay an open-palm slap to his back, laughing uproariously. Heechul is legitimately choking on his own food, and Kibum gives him a nod with a grin to acknowledge the joke.

Shindong feels pretty pleased with himself—he just knew that joke would land—and he glances over at Siwon to see the other's reaction. To his surprise, Siwon is staring at the table with a furrowed brow instead. Shindong frowns but lets it go. It's too bad Siwon was too busy thinking to hear his joke.

After lunch, the two of them only have the last class of the day together, and he notices Siwon still seems to be in a sour mood. Shindong racks his brain trying to remember if Siwon had a test he was worried about today. Maybe he feels like he failed?

"Hey, man," he calls out to Siwon after the final bell rings. "Wanna get some gyoza? On me."

Siwon's face brightens for the first time since lunch, and Shindong knows he made the right call; but in the time it takes for them to head to the Japanese place near his house and settle into a booth, Siwon's mood is dark again.

The table is quiet as Siwon plays with his food, making no move to eat any. Shindong stuffs two fried shrimp pieces in his mouth as casually as possible. Don't ask him why, but he thinks talking with his mouth full will help break the ice. "Hey, you good? You've been in a mood all day."

Siwon briefly meets Shindong's carefully neutral stare then averts his eyes to the table. "I don't like it when you do that," he mutters.

Shindong freezes with the next set of two gyoza halfway to his mouth. "Eat? Sorry man, I'm very diligent about my eat-anything-in-sight diet. If I stopped being fat, the girls at school would be all over me instead of you, which would disturb the balance of our friendship." He ends with a bite of dumpling and a cheeky grin.

"No, that! The self-deprecating jokes about your size!"

They both freeze. Siwon did not mean to blurt it out like that.

He deflates a little in his seat in embarrassment. "I don't like them. They make me sad," he continues in a much quieter tone.

Shindong did not see this coming and, frankly, has no idea how to react. "Um, you want me to stop being fat?"

"No, I want you to stop drawing attention to it. It's like you have to make a mean joke about your size first before anyone else can. No one in the group would ever be mean to you about it; I wouldn't let them," Siwon states adamantly. He means every word. The second one of the others crosses a line, he wouldn't hesitate to make sure they never, ever did it again.

The words are out before Shindong fully thinks about them. "You can say the word 'fat,' Siwon. Newsflash, I am fat. I'm as fat as you are tall. It's just something about me. I won't hesitate to make a fat joke any sooner than Heechul would hesitate to make a bi joke." His frustration surprises even himself, so he takes a sip from his water to calm down.

Siwon takes that as his cue to plead his case, and pleading he is. "It doesn't bother you that that's the part of yourself you decide to play up for the jokes? You're a great dancer, and you're quick on your feet—literally and figuratively! You'd be so great at, like, slapstick or something!" Shindong snorts, but Siwon forges on. "I just don't like seeing my friends laugh at you for… for being fat when you're so much more than that."

Shindong doesn't say anything, just lowers his head, and Siwon sighs. "You want to make a fat joke, don't you." "AND I'M SO MUCH ALREADY—okay. I'm done, I'm done."

Siwon withers and lets his head drop to his arms on the table. Shindong laughs, all tension dissipated. "So, this is clearly bothering you a lot," he needlessly observes. Siwon nods his head without lifting it up, and Shindong takes pity on him. "Alright, I'll try to tone it down. Or maybe I'll do like you said and just sprinkle in other kinds of jokes. No one likes a one-trick pony anyway."

Siwon peeks up through his eyelashes, and Shindong nods faux-sagely. "And maybe in the future when I'm rich and can afford therapy, I'll find out you're right and my brand of humour was simply a defense mechanism for some deeply internalised fatphobia all along. Then you could say, 'I told you so.'"

Siwon shakes his head resolutely. "That's not something I want to be right about."

Shindong shrugs in a 'suit yourself' manner and goes back to eating, and Siwon follows suit.

After a stretch of companionable silence, Siwon speaks up again. "I knew you're fat—I know it—but I don't think I understood that being fat was a part of you. Thank you for giving me a chance to understand you better. I thought I was intervening in something unhealthy, but I see now that that wasn't as righteous as I thought it was." He pauses then and doesn't continue until Shindong looks up to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry if I came off as insensitive or, worse, embarrassed. You don't embarrass me, Donghee."

Shindong looks back down at his food, unsure of what the emotion is in Siwon's voice as the other said his real name. "I know, but thank you."

~~~

Shindong is everything he didn't know he needs.

As the school year progresses, Siwon finds himself feeling lighter and lighter, and he can trace all of his growing juvenescence directly to his new best friend.

Shindong values hard work. The other guys are great at their own things, but they're missing that fire under their butts that makes them actually try. Shindong doesn't just put in the effort; he also appreciates the challenge and sees it as an opportunity instead. Shindong empowers Siwon to embrace his own challenges in a way that he didn't feel like he could do until Shindong came around.

Shindong tries new things. Siwon is a rather adventurous guy himself, but that's not what he means. Shindong picks up and drops hobbies as quickly as Heechul switches partners, and he's amassed a great wealth of knowledge as a result. He's dynamic, and Siwon could never get bored of the way Shindong talks about his niche interest du jour.

Shindong speaks his mind. His friend group is made up of some pretty lax guys, which is great until some of them get into an argument. They never really talk things out, instead waiting until it's no longer annoying to be in the same room and just choosing to let it go. When Shindong is offended, you'll know. When he's wrong, he'll admit it. It does lead to some tension at first, but they all end up better for it as a result, and Siwon wishes he could be that brave.

Shindong trusts him. When Siwon was planning on hosting the guys over at his house for Kangin's birthday since he has an indoor pool and hot tub, Shindong shyly asked him to think of something else because he's afraid of water. That was a request Siwon was more than happy to oblige if it meant including Shindong in the festivities.

Shindong doesn't need him to be 'on' all the time. One time Kangin invited himself over to one of their hangouts—he and Shindong had planned to read the newspaper together to catch up on current events and financial affairs—and he got bored and complained that they should do something more fun. Before Siwon could worry Shindong felt the same way, the other had sassily defended their brand of bonding and just told Kangin to leave if he didn't like it. Siwon loves the fact that Shindong cherishes that quiet time together as much as he does.

Siwon thinks he maybe just loves Shindong.

~~~

Shindong slides into the seat beside Siwon in their first shared class of the day just as he slides an envelope across Siwon's desk. The envelope happens to have the same seal as the university into which Siwon is planning on matriculating. They offered him a spot on the varsity basketball team and sponsored on-campus living, and Mama Choi didn't raise no fool.

Siwon raises an eyebrow in interest, and Shindong simply points at the envelope with his chin. Siwon takes that as the invitation it is, and he pulls out the letter inside.

Congratulations, Donghee! You have been accepted…

Siwon whips his head up to look at Shindong, who has the largest shit-eating grin on his face.

They need to talk about this. Now.

"Seonsaengnim!" Siwon abruptly interrupts the teacher's lecture with his hand straight in the air. He ignores all the eyes that turn to him in shock. "Donghee isn't feeling too well. Can I take him to the nurse?"

All attention shifts to Shindong, who improvises in stride. "Ughhhhhnnnn," he groans pitifully, slouching over on his desk for added effect.

"Very well, then," the teacher waves off. Siwon stands up and bows hastily before half-guiding, half-dragging Shindong out the door. "Awwwwwwgggggghhhh," Shindong keeps up the ruse as he stumbles out, affecting delirium.

Once they're out of sight from the doorway, they run down the halls until they reach the bathroom, trying without success to contain their giggles along the way. "Couldn't give me a head's up back there?" Shindong teases as he sits on the edge of a sink, lightly panting.

"Couldn't give me a head's up that you were applying to my university?" Siwon punches Shindong's shoulder, acting affronted, but he swoops in for a bone-crushing hug immediately afterwards.

Shindong awkwardly returns the hug. (Siwon pinning his arms to his side means he can only reach Siwon's elbows.) His voice is quiet when he says, "My hopes were already up. I didn't want to get yours up, too."

Siwon gets it, so he lets it and Shindong go. The excited smile stays on his face, though. "Are you gonna go?"

"I don't know, man. They gave me a scholarship, but that just brings the tuition cost down to the same price as the local uni. I'd still have to get a job or a work-study to help offset the costs; and on top of that, I'd be so far away from home…"

"... But you're willing to go through all that just to keep going to the same school as me?" Siwon offers cheekily, squashing that incredibly light feeling in his chest with humour.

Shindong rolls his eyes. "I was gonna say, 'But all that is doable, and hey, at least you'll be there for me to mooch off of,'" he says with an attitude, but the corners of his lips quirk up at the end.

"You're right. I'll be there for you," Siwon affirms. Something about the serious way he said that makes Shindong feel like he's missing something, but he brushes it off. He was a little nervous about going so far away for school, but he has a feeling he'll be fine with Siwon around.

~~~

Siwon sidles up to Heechul, who casually throws his arm around the newcomer's shoulders despite the height difference. "How's my favourite wallet doing?" Heechul teases.

They're the only two to share this free period, and they often spend it outside, chatting, listening to music, doing homework, whatever. This time, Siwon finds Heechul leaning against a wall and people-watching.

"What's your read on Shindong?" Siwon asks as casually as possible. He's hoping he doesn't need to explain further, and luckily Heechul doesn't need clarification. Heechul knows what Siwon means.

He also knows: "Give up before it's too late."

Siwon's hopes plummet. "Really?" he asks, face and voice coloured by obvious disappointment.

Heechul looks over at Siwon and realises it is, in fact, too late for the other. His heart clenches for his long-time friend, and Heechul finds himself equivocating out of a need to assuage him. "Maybe I'm wrong for once. Like, what do I know? I'm just 18."

Siwon tries on a bright smile. "Yeah, maybe. There's gotta be a first time for everything, right, hyung?"

But now is not one of those times, and Heechul knows it. "Don't say I didn't warn you, though." He tries on a reassuring grin and a friendly knock on Siwon's shoulder.

He knows it looks more like a grimace, and he knows Siwon is ignoring that. He just doesn't know how long it'll take before Siwon's heart breaks.

He may not have had Heechul's fullest support, but Siwon has spent Too Many days thinking about this to go back now. It took long enough as it is to even get to this point; but if he's being honest with himself, he knew it was only a matter of time.

He finds his opportunity on their way home from school the week before showtime.

"Shindong, wanna go to prom with me?" "What?"

Shindong gives him a look so incredulous, Siwon is reminded of one of those dogs with smushed faces. The thought makes him smile even though his heart feels simultaneously too heavy and too fast.

"Should I, um, should I repeat myself?" he asks while trying to hide his shaking hands by grabbing onto his backpack straps.

"I'm just… so confused. Didn't Kwon Boa ask you to prom yesterday? Did she dump you already? What did you do?!"

In truth, Siwon turned her down as soon as she asked him, but saying that now would be unhelpful for his purposes.

"Even if you did somehow fuck up your chance with the prettiest, most sought-after girl in school, you still could ask literally anyone to be your date? Why would you go the friend route for prom? It's not even a valid Plan Z," Shindong continues.

Siwon pouts. "If I can ask anyone, why can't I ask you?"

Shindong is unimpressed, and Siwon wavers in his conviction. He wasn't originally going to tell him, but…

This could be it. This could be his chance to confess to Shindong.

There's always the chance that Shindong would reject him, of course. He'd probably use Siwon's own technique against him, too; that would be pretty pathetic. Then he'd promise that this wouldn't affect their friendship, except it will because he'll be too awkward around Siwon; and slowly but surely, he'd pull away from the other until Siwon finds himself at university, alone and painfully aware of how close he is to his best friend who is completely out of reach—oh God, of course he can't confess to Shindong.

The aforementioned snaps his fingers in Siwon's face, and Siwon resolutely sticks to his plan. He throws a casual arm around Shindong's shoulder and forces them to keep walking. "I heard from the seniors before us that prom's more fun with friends anyway. Why go with some girl I don't know when I can go with you?"

"Siwon, I know you're lying to me."

"What?" Siwon's step falters.

"We're best friends, of course I know." Besides the fact that Siwon is unconsciously telegraphing, the other guys have found dates already. Siwon would have brought it up with all of them if he really wanted to go with friends.

Siwon bites his bottom lip, waiting for whatever fallout comes from his decision to open this can of worms.

Shindong sighs and slips his hand into Siwon's. He's learned touching helps. "It also means I know when to let it go. I'll go to prom with you, flower boy."

Siwon cannot contain himself. "HE SAID YES!" he yells into the sky as he runs around, hooting and hollering in unadulterated jubilation.

Shindong shakes his head with annoyed fondness as he continues walking home, expecting Siwon to catch up with him once he's tired out.

(And it turns out Siwon's seniors were right: prom is a lot more fun with friends.)

~~~

Their final hurrah takes place at the height of the summer. Between family vacations and Siwon moving in early for the summer basketball bootcamp the university is making him attend, it's the only time they'll have where all five are available before the fall comes and scatters them away.

Siwon's family lets them borrow one of their cars for the day, and they make the maknae drive them all the way to the beach as early as they could go (read: as early as Kangin could wake up). The day progresses with plenty of frisbee on the sand, frolicking in the sea, and flirting at the food shacks. The ever present feeling that this may be the last time all of them are gathered together in a long time is never lost on any of them, so they make the most of every moment, earning them unheeded glares from the lifeguard on duty.

Sunset finds them around a small bonfire near the surf. To no one's surprise, Kangin managed to lift some beers from his parents, so they drink as they talk and watch the embers float up into the gradually darkening sky. Gone with the sun is the high energy from the day, leaving behind a calmer and more contemplative atmosphere.

Heechul speaks up after a comfortable stretch of silence. "So, I already know what those two fogies are doing come fall," he says while pointing to where Siwon and Shindong sit on opposite sides of the fire, "but what about you guys?" he directs towards Kangin and Kibum. "All I know is that college really isn't the cards for you."

Kibum ducks his head shyly. "I, uh, made it past the first round of auditions at MS Entertainment."

"WHAT?!" "Like, the MS Entertainment!?" "Um, when was this?!" "You're thinking of joining the entertainment industry?"

The last question surprisingly comes from Siwon, and the other guys shoot him a look. Siwon lifts his hands up in defense. "It's just that, Kibum, I've never even heard you sing."

Kibum shakes his head. "No, I wanna be an actor. I realised it after I missed out on auditions for the school play. For just a few hours a day, it'll be nice to pretend I'm not me. I think I could be really good at it if I got the chance." The guys nod, knowing very well how Kibum struggles to be and express himself without pretense.

"I can't wait to see you on TV one day, man," Shindong says with a smile. "If you book a commercial, I am buying one thousand units of whatever you're selling. I don't care what it is. I'll end up with a thousand pairs of jeans if I must," Kangin jokes.

Kibum grins appreciatively and nods towards Kangin in turn. "What about you, then?"

Kangin puffs out his chest with pride. "I'm gonna start at a baseball development camp out in Gangwon. If I work hard and play my cards right, I might get recruited at one of the farm teams in the Futures League. It would be awesome if I got into one of the Seoul clubs, just so I could stay close to home."

Shindong smirks. "Okay, let's say you had to go to a southern team. Which one would you pick? 1, 2, 3…"

"The Dinos."

Heechul barks out a laugh. "If you think I'd go all the way to fuckin' Changwon just to see your sorry ass… Well, a bitch might."

Siwon quirks an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? What is the self-proclaimed biggest star in the universe, the Great Kim Heechul, doing instead?"

"Whatever it takes, man," Heechul says with a snort. "I'll get some part time jobs here, travel a little there… Just figure life out as it comes."

Kibum nods, well-acquainted with Heechul's myself-against-the-world attitude. Shindong, for his part, tries his best to offer a smile without looking pitying. He can't help but feel like Heechul is making his life harder for himself than it has to be—but now's not the time, and neither is he the person, for that conversation.

Kangin counters, "You might find yourself in Gyeongsang anyway then, hyung."

"Yeah; and if you were paying attention to me, you would have known I acknowledged that already, dumbass. Clean the wax outta your ears."

"How about I clean your clock instead!" Kangin yells as he launches at Heechul, and they start wrestling in the sand.

Shindong watches, reveling in the familiarity of the moment, and thinks about how close he was to not having any of this. "When I first moved here, I was pretty sure I was gonna spend the school year alone." The words come out of his mouth without prompting; but now that they're out, he finds he actually has something to say.

The boys turn their attention to him, Kangin and Heechul halting their bickering and sitting in place where they found themselves on the sand, and Shindong continues. "You know. I was the new kid, I was only able to afford the school because of my scholarship, I'm fat. If life were like a TV show, that wouldn't have been the most successful combination of factors." He quirks the corners of his lips up in a wane half-smile, then turns his gaze from the fire to the earnest faces of his friends. "But I met you guys, and nothing happened like I thought it would. Thanks for giving me a chance."

"Aish," Kangin says as he gets up and moves back towards the group. He stops behind Siwon and places a hand on his shoulder. "Don't thank us; thank this guy. He texted us one day all, 'I invited the new kid to sit with us at lunch tomorrow. Try not to be dicks.' If it weren't for him, I probably would have pushed you into the lockers once or twice just for fun."

"I probably would have helped," Kibum says with a shrug.

"I probably would have filmed it," Heechul pipes up.

Siwon waves their comments away with good humour. "You guys aren't that mean. Maybe you would have slapped the books out of his hands, but that's really it."

"Maybe we aren't mean now, but that's because you made us soft. Remember when I made Go-seonsaengnim cry in freshman year just with a glare?"

The conversation readily turns to their early high school memories, which Shindong would normally have loved hearing about, but his attention is elsewhere.

The dim light afforded by the fire casts impermanent shadows on Siwon's face that alternately highlight his boyish features and give him the appearance of a grown man. Shindong watches this and feels like he's seeing the present blurring into the future before his very eyes, and he finds it especially poignant that Siwon is the focal point of that illusion considering his role in changing Shindong's own life.

He's going to miss his friends and the gentle feeling of home he managed to cultivate for himself among them, but at least he won't have to miss Siwon.

~~~

College is harder than Shindong thought it would be, but it's easier in other ways too. He plays the first semester safe (he's not trying to get his scholarship revoked before the first year is over, thank you very much); but when the second semester comes around, he knows what liberties he can take with himself to have more fun without sacrificing his studies.

So when the volleyball team holds a party and invites the basketball team, Siwon offers his plus one to Shindong, and he double-checks that he doesn't have a shift at the campus mailroom the next day… well, he doesn't say no.

It isn't the first time he's gotten drunk (there's no way you could be in Siwon's friend group for a year without sustaining at least one hangover); but after a whole semester and winter of working and studying practically non-stop, the lack of inhibitions feels better than it ever had before.

Siwon is far more drunk, however. He is as clingy as ever, introducing Shindong to all of his basketball friends (and even some strangers) and constantly slurring "I miss youuu" into his ears.

He would hate it except he loves it. He misses the guy, too, after all.

"Shindong! Let's go see the stars!"

Siwon drags Shindong to the backyard of the house holding the party, no less noisy but definitely less crowded. He happily settles down onto one of the logs around an unlit bonfire and pats the space next to him in a clear invitation. The happy grin on his face is replaced with a pout when Shindong decides to sit on a different log just to tease him, but that doesn't stop him. Siwon just moves to Shindong's log and cuddles into his friend's side, enjoying the warm feeling spreading inside him. Is it the beer or the company? In any case, it's the most cosy he's felt since school started.

Siwon chances a glance upwards at Shindong. Not for the first time, he cannot help but notice how soft the other looks in the moonlight. His cheeks always look so fluffy and pinchable, but Siwon has never wanted to hold Shindong's face more than he does right now.

When he notices that Shindong notices that he is looking at him, Siwon is just drunk enough to hold his gaze.

Siwon is just drunk enough to move his face forward, as slow as the movement ends up being. Maybe that's because he's drunk, too. He's definitely not sober enough to stop.

Then he's drunk in a different way, because Shindong is the one to bring their lips together.

The moment is perfect, even more perfect than Siwon had ever dreamed of—and oh, did he dream. In the back of his mind, he thinks about going to church three times a week from now on to thank God for this blessing.

He wants to deepen the kiss, he wants to lean closer, he wants to touch—but just as he thinks about doing any of that, Shindong pulls away with a giggle. Siwon laughs too, giddy and uninhibited as he is. He reaches for Shindong's hand and wonders how long the other has felt the same way as he did.

The hand for which Siwon had been reaching escapes to throw a bro-y, friendly punch into Siwon's shoulder. Siwon is mildly confused, but nothing can wipe the smile from his face now. He just kissed Shindong! Is right now too soon to be calling each other boyfriends?

"That wasn't so bad, right?" Shindong says as he looks back up at the sky.

Uh, right. Understatement of the century. That was amazing, stupendous, earth-shattering, future-defining—

Shindong keeps talking. "Not exactly how I thought that was gonna happen, but there's no planning for these sorts of things anyway. What's college for if not experimenting and cutting loose?"

Siwon's lovestruck internal monologue stutters to a stop. "What?"

"Don't get me wrong, you're the prettiest guy I know—full stop—but if kissing you doesn't make me feel something, then I definitely must be straight." Shindong starts cackling then, like he said the funniest joke in the world.

Siwon's hearing fails him, but all he can think about now is how badly he wants to rewind time.

He wants to go back to before he knew what Shindong's lips felt like.

He wants to go back to before he had the first drink.

He wants to go back to before he even met Shindong.

"I gotta go," he manages to say, crushed as he is under the weight of the guilt he felt when that last thought traitorously passed through his head.

Shindong laughs harder when he watches Siwon stumble away. Poor guy must be so drunk. He might not even make it to the bathroom in time.

~~~

Avoiding Shindong isn't as hard as one would think. They're different majors. They live in different residence halls. He has the basketball team too, and Shindong was never the kind of person that keeps up with all his friends' activities anyway. A little "Sorry, I'm meeting someone for a project" here, a little "Sorry, Coach is slamming us with extra practise" there, and a whole semester passes by without spending extended time with his best friend and—he's not afraid to say it now—the love of his young life.

And that's exactly why he needs to avoid Shindong. He can't face Shindong casually right now—not when the only thing that will be occupying his mind is the look on Shindong's face immediately before, not when his palms itch to touch the other's cheeks so he can fold that feeling into his memory. He can't know what it's like to kiss Shindong and not be able to kiss him again.

So he's depressed, he's lonely, and he's irritable—exactly the kind of mindset you want to be in when you meet someone new.

"Hi, I don't think we really talked before," the lanky kid says as he stands up straight from where he was leaning beside the open door to Siwon's room. "I'm Hyukjae, but my friends call me Eunhyuk. I live down the hall." He points over his shoulder with his thumb as if Siwon didn't know which hall he was referring to, and the gesture immediately gets on his nerves.

Siwon glares at him, and the guy—Hyukjae; they're not friends—smiles a wide, gummy grin. "Sorry to bother you like this, but I noticed you were taking your stuff to your car. Are you packing your things into storage for the summer?" Siwon nods mutely, unsure where the other is going with this and approximately three seconds away from blowing him off.

"Listen, I have, like," he pauses to rummage around in his pockets and count the pieces of paper he pulls out, "10000 won on me right now. If I give you that and pay for gas and—I don't know—buy you dinner afterwards, would you help me move mine into storage too?"

Siwon's glare turns incredulous, which makes Hyukjae facepalm. "Oh! And of course I would help you move your stuff. That's a given. Although… you certainly don't look like you need the help."

At this last statement, Eunhyuk gives him a quick once over, and Siwon bristles. This whole situation is really grating on him. Why did this guy look at him like that? Why does it bother him that he did? Why is he supremely against this mildly reasonable request?

(Well, he knows why, and that's only adding to his frustration.)

Hyukjae senses how close Siwon is to turning tail, so he resorts to drastic measures. "Bro, help me out," he begs as he clasps his hands and falls to his knees. "I live all the way out in Ilsan, and I don't have a car. I would be, like, super indebted to you!"

"Ilsan isn't that far away," Siwon points out unimpressedly.

"Indebted!"

He stares at the boy's pout, the hands grasping cumbled bills of won, and the mullet-esque hair and thinks he might actually be more pathetic than even Siwon feels these days.

"... Alright."

Siwon ignores the other's resulting cheers as he returns to his task. He figures that the sooner he gets this over with, the faster he can go back home for the summer.

~~~

Like Siwon said, Ilsan isn't that far away.

As in, he and Hyukjae didn't have the worst time together while moving their stuff, Hyukjae decided they are now friends, and Hyukjae commutes into Seoul every other weekend to pester Siwon into hanging out with him.

In the beginning, he had no problems brushing the other off. Hyukjae isn't bad people necessarily, but he's a brat.

Case in point: The first time he actually agreed to hang out, Hyukjae forgot his wallet and Siwon begrudgingly paid for their excursions that day. Hyukjae hasn't brought his wallet with him since.

After that first time, however, it became harder and harder to turn Hyukjae down. He's depressed, he's lonely, he's irritable—but somehow none of that has pushed Hyukjae away yet. Against his better judgement, Siwon cannot help but be drawn to the individual who is experiencing the worst Siwon has to offer and chooses to spend time with him anyway. It's… nice.

The summer proceeds like that: Eunhyuk having a new hare-brained adventure haphazardly planned for the day, Siwon's wallet finding itself thousands of won lighter each time, and Siwon slowly getting out of his funk and coming back to himself.

Even as the summer draws to a close and their event options dwindle down, Eunhyuk manages to find something for them to do. A couple of weeks before they're set to move back in for the beginning of the next school year, Eunhyuk takes Siwon to a trendy new pop-up cafe in Itaewon.

Siwon likes it. It's lively but not too loud, the food isn't half bad, and the interior is fresh-looking without being overly cute.

He doesn't say any of this though, mostly because Eunhyuk isn't really saying anything either.

It's a testament to how much he feels like his old self again that he strongly considers asking the other what's wrong. Old Siwon wouldn't have hesitated. New Siwon rationalises if something is really bothering the other, Eunhyuk would say something himself.

He's halfway through his cheesecake when Eunhyuk lets his fork clatter to his plate. "Siwon, there's never gonna be a good time or a good way to say this, so I'm just gonna say it. I like you."

Well, of course Eunhyuk likes him. He basically spent the whole summer with Siwon. The surprising part here is that Siwon means it when he says, "I like you, too."

Eunhyuk's eyes do something funny, then he shakes his head. "No, like—" He stops, takes a deep breath, and on the exhale he says, "Wanna go on a date with me?"

"... Oh."

And then Siwon's senses shift. His heart beat speeds up just a fraction more than it had been before Eunhyuk began talking, but he can't hear the crowd of the cafe anymore. Everything behind Eunhyuk's determined, hopeful face blurs into a mess of colours and light. When he swallows, he still has the aftertaste of the strawberry syrup from the cheesecake on his tongue.

"Um, okay," is all he says, but he can feel his lips tug upward in a small grin without his direction.

Siwon is greeted with a gummy smile, familiar yet new, and he cannot help but focus in on the revealed shade of pink.

~~~

Honestly, he forgets about Siwon.

There's only so many times he can get blown off before he stops trying to reach out in the first place, you know? Then midterms came around, then it was finals season, then he was too wrapped up in trying to find an on-campus job for the summer so that he wouldn't have to waste money and time moving out of his residence hall… Before he knows it, it's been a year since he and the guys had their beach day, and he uncomfortably realises he can't remember the last time he spoke to Siwon. Was it at that party in the beginning of last semester? That can't be right.

And yet, for a reason he cannot explain, he doesn't immediately reach out to Siwon first.

He starts off with Kangin, who hasn't made it to a team yet but has met with several scouts already and believes it's just a matter of time. Heechul answers him in English, of all things, and he has to use a translation app to find out that Heechul spent seven months in Australia as a freelance Hangul-speaking museum guide before coming back to South Korea to work at a brewery out in Jeju-do. When he texts Kibum asking if Kangin had made good on his promise to buy 100 units of whatever his latest commercial was selling, Kibum simply says, "lol."

Finally, the only one left is Siwon. Shindong is weirdly anxious to talk to him again, but he firmly pushes that aside.

He tries a text at first; but after two days with no response, he ups the ante.

"Hello?"

"Siwon-ah!" he cheers into the receiver. It had been so long since he heard Siwon's voice, and just the sound of it lifts his mood.

"Shindong-hyung, you called me." Siwon's voice sounds incredulous, and it makes him laugh. They're not people for phone calls, admittedly. It wasn't necessary back when they spent almost all their waking moments together.

"Hey, if you had just texted me back, I wouldn't have had to resort to such drastic measures."

Silence, then chuckles on the other end of the line. "Yeah, that one's on me, isn't it? I did that thing where I read it but only replied to it in my head."

Shindong waits for more, but Siwon doesn't continue from there. "So, um, what's been up with you lately?" he asks stiltedly. He frowns; he and Siwon don't do small talk. He tries again, "Did I mention I'm on campus for the summer? I got a job as the front desk guy at the Alumni Office. It has its boring moments, but at least I didn't have to move out of the dorms. I know some of the guys on my floor even rented a storage unit so that they wouldn't have to move back and forth with their stuff, which is just… so far beyond my budget right now, haha."

Siwon makes a funny noise like he choked on his own spit. "Siwon?!" Shindong calls concernedly into the line.

"It's fine, hyung," Siwon croaks out. "Listen, you kinda caught me at a bad time. I'd love to talk more, but I gotta go."

"Oh, sure," Shindong says in surprise. "See you when the school year starts up again, yeah?"

He holds onto the phone tightly. He doesn't know what he's wanting to hear exactly, but he waits in anticipation for Siwon's response anyway.

"Yeah, of course. See you later, Shindong."

The line clicks silent, and Shindong doesn't let himself read into it. Like Siwon said, it was just a bad time.

~~~

The new school year isn't terribly different from the previous one, but Siwon likes what it brings. He's still balancing the basketball team and classes, but he has Eunhyuk now. Eunhyuk introduces him to his best friend Donghae, and college starts feeling less like something happening to him and more like something he's living.

Early into the new semester finds the three of them grabbing lunch on campus, Siwon and Eunhyuk playing footsie under the table and ignoring Donghae's gags in the background. They're not really talking about anything important, so the conversation is easily derailed by the sound of someone hollering from across the student union.

"Siwon! Ya, Siwon!"

Siwon temporarily freezes. He didn't expect to hear that voice again so soon. He can feel his face do something funny as his body and his mind fight for control over what to do. He wants to play it cool; he wants to ignore the voice; but more than anything, he wants to see Shindong again. He has ever since the summer.

He listens to that part and turns around in his seat to wave. The sight of Shindong's eyes scrunched up in happy half-moons behind his thick-rimmed glasses makes his heart ache even as his body relaxes from tension he didn't know he was carrying. He misses Shindong.

"Siwon, you brat! I didn't hear from you much this summer, and I barely saw you last semester!" Shindong laughs jovially before turning to the other two at the table, and Siwon is surprised to remember they were there. "Hey, I'm Donghee, but you've probably heard this guy call me Shindong. Mind if I join you?"

Siwon eagerly motions for Shindong to grab a chair, and Donghae says, "Hey, Donghee. I'm Donghae." as if it were the most clever observation in the world.

Siwon eyes Shindong's politely amused grin and cannot help but laugh. God, he forgot how funny Shindong could be even when he isn't trying. The other brings a seat over to their table and chats pleasantly with Donghae, and Siwon takes the moment to take in the changes in his best friend.

His face is slightly less pudgy, but the puffy round cheeks Siwon loves so much are fully on display. He has a tiny ponytail sticking straight up from the crown of his fluffy hair, and it reminds Siwon of elementary schoolers on picture day in a way that warms his heart. He notices the suspenders and khakis combination that the other is wearing and remembers how hard it was for Shindong to get used to not having to wear a uniform to school anymore. It seems he finally settled on something that worked for him, as nerdy as it ended up looking. (Somehow, that is endearing, too.)

"Siwon, what's your weekend look like? We should do something, just you and me. Grab some newspapers, eat gyoza, catch up. You in?"

Siwon would like nothing more and almost automatically agrees. Luckily, before he could land himself in hot water with his excitement, his brain supplies that he and Eunhyuk were supposed to picnic in the park this weekend. He flicks his eyes over to his boyfriend, asking without words if he could go.

Eunhyuk nods, so Siwon says yes, and it feels like a piece of him that was asleep finally wakes up.

~~~

They're best friends again in no time.

Sure, there were some awkward instances when Shindong or Siwon would refer to memories that the other wasn't there for in a stilted reminder that there is time lost between them, but they easily catch each other up and fall back into old habits. Their lives intertwine in the seamless way they did back in high school, and Siwon's heart feels so full.

He can't help but ignore the red flags as a result. The more active he and Shindong are in each other's lives, the more he is aware of the fact that Shindong does not know the full extent of his relationship with Eunhyuk; and he admits he has made small—inconsequentially, really—concessions to keep it that way.

He's starting to suspect that Eunhyuk knows something is up, too. It brings him a little bit of guilt, but it's not like he's completely avoiding his boyfriend (been there, done that). Besides, the other hasn't said anything. He even invites Siwon over one weekend, so Siwon figures he probably hasn't messed up too badly yet.

When cuddling on the bed with legs intertwined while watching a movie turns into roaming fingertips and forgotten laptops droning on in the background, Siwon feels content like never before.

"Why does it feel like it's been forever since I kissed you?" he murmurs into Eunhyuk's hair afterwards, planting a kiss right there and embracing his boyfriend closer to his chest. He'd love to fall asleep like this…

But then Eunhyuk gently releases himself from Siwon's hold and sits upright in bed. "I have a feeling it has to do with how Donghee is hanging out with us a lot now," he says as he pulls his clothes back on.

Siwon's disappointment clears when his mind, unbidden, conjures up the memory of Shindong's reaction when he caught Heechul rounding second base with his date when they all went to the movies together one time. "Yeah, Shindong isn't big on PDA," he says as he follows Eunhyuk's lead.

"Sure, but I'm your boyfriend," Eunhyuk emphasises. "Hand-holding, kissing… stuff like that is pretty typical for most couples. He knows what he would be getting into when he hangs out with us, and he still shows up. Doesn't seem to me like it would really bother him."

Siwon's movement falters. So Eunhyuk has noticed. "I guess I'm just trying to be a little courteous," he hurries to say, the not-quite-a-lie sitting heavy on his tongue. "He doesn't know you yet, and I don't want to give my best friend any reason to dislike my boyfriend."

Siwon puts on his most convincing, disarming grin, and it somehow makes things worse. "You know, it's funny," Eunhyuk begins with light tone absolutely lacking in amusement, "Donghee's supposedly your best friend, but I haven't even heard of him before this semester. It's clear he hasn't heard of me either. Wanna explain why?"

Siwon frowns at the accusation. "He is my best friend." He may not have acted like it for a while there, but that fact will never change. It's just… "We weren't really, ah, talking much at around the time you and I met." He wants to stop there, but Eunhyuk raises an expectant eyebrow. "Um, remember that time in the student union? That was, sorta, the first time we had spoken in eight months."

The admission completely melts all of Eunhyuk's cold and angry tension, and the sight makes him even more antsy for some reason. Siwon is acutely aware that he didn't answer the entirety of his boyfriend's question, but the other is already moving on.

"You get why I'm bothered, right?" Eunhyuk asks as he sits back on the bed, and yes, Siwon does finally start to get how bothered the other really is. He's never seen Eunhyuk so despondent before. His entire being radiates tired sadness, and Siwon realises with a pang that he did that to him."This guy that I've never met before just shows up one day, and my boyfriend starts acting completely different around him!" Eunhyuk's pout has a chilling effect on Siwon without the hint of flirtation to which he was so accustomed, and Siwon has him wrapped up in a side-hug as if on autopilot. Eunhyuk happily cuddles into the embrace and lays his head on Siwon's shoulder, but Siwon barely notices, too consumed by the weight spreading all over his body.

He's fucked up.

He hasn't been going about this correctly at all, and it's hurting his boyfriend, and that hurts him, and he's fucked up.

He stands abruptly. "I gotta go."

"What?"

Siwon can barely hear the shocked hurt in his boyfriend's voice, he's so preoccupied with the immense and all-consuming guilt that weighs down his limbs. He can't get out of the apartment fast enough. He needs space; he needs more room so that terrible feeling that is expanding within him has somewhere else to go.

"Siwon, where are you going?!" Eunhyuk hurries after him and manages to intercept Siwon before he could open the door. If he were more himself, he'd chuckle at how his boyfriend, 9 centimetres shorter and 5 kilograms lighter, is trying to bodily prevent him from leaving; but in his state, even a feather could knock Siwon over.

"There's something you're not telling me, and I'm not letting you leave the apartment until you do. What is going on between you and Donghee?" he demands.

"Nothing!" Siwon despairs, and it's the truth.

"Why are you lying to me!"

"I've never lied to you," and that is also the truth.

"But you are keeping something from me." There's nothing Siwon can say to that, so he fidgets where he stands. Eunhyuk laughs mirthlessly. "And it's related to Donghee, too, isn't it? How long did you think you could go without telling me, huh? Did you think I wouldn't notice?!"

Siwon is still in flight mode, his brain is still foggy, so he latches onto the only coherent thought he has just so that he can respond to Eunhyuk. "Why don't you call him Shindong?"

Eunhyuk seizes in incredulous frustration. "Can you focus!? That is so beyond the point!"

Siwon closes his eyes and rubs his hands down his face in resigned acknowledgement. Yes, that was the wrong thing to say. "Hyuk, I'm sorry but… I really, really have to go. I need some time; I need to think. You deserve better than the first thought that pops into my head, but I can't give you that right here, right now."

Eunhyuk's shiny eyes are devastating even under the fluorescent glare of his apartment lights, and Siwon's heart urges him to do something. He steps forward, arms outstretched, but Eunhyuk steps out of his reach. "No, please," he says simply. He hastily wipes away the tears that pool at the rim of his eyes and looks anywhere but at Siwon. "When you touch me, I feel better even when I don't want to."

Siwon lets his arms fall back to his side. The need to leave wars with his need to comfort, so he does nothing.

Eunhyuk sniffles once, twice, then says, "Whenever something happens to me—big or small, bad or good—you've become the first person I wanna tell it to. Nothing feels real until I've told you about it." He hugs himself and turns away. "But you don't even want to talk to me."

Eunhyuk walks back to his room and lightly closes the door behind him, a silent cue for Siwon to leave. When he finally does several moments later, the image of Eunhyuk rejecting his touch replays in his mind, and his heart rebels with every step.

~~~

With time and distance, Siwon realises a lot of things about himself.

He's always wanted his first real relationship to be with someone he shared a lot with, someone he didn't have to force himself to spend time with or get to know, someone who made it all easy yet made the difficult parts worth it. He admits to himself that he always wanted his first real relationship to be with Shindong, but that evidently wasn't possible. Just when he had given up on that dream (and on himself), he found all of it and more in Eunhyuk, who literally showed up unannounced, bribed his way into Siwon's life, and pestered Siwon into letting him stay. Without knowing any of the details and without asking any questions, Eunhyuk managed to shake Siwon out of the depressive episode he was in simply by being himself. The warm excitement that coloured their days together were noted but taken for granted, and the cold emptiness that replaces it in the aftermath of their fight is frighteningly familiar. He regrets that it took the undeniable pain that can only come from heartbreak for him to realise that he had fallen in love with Eunhyuk, but at least he knows now.

He also now knows he's a coward.

He was a coward back in senior year when he couldn't tell Shindong why he asked the other to prom, he was a coward last semester when he cut Shindong out of his life for accidentally breaking his heart, and he's a coward now.

With Shindong is back in his life, Siwon thought he could somehow keep both his past love and his current love in the exact ways he wanted them without having to have any uncomfortable conversations, that the two of them would get along fabulously, and that Siwon's happiness would simply fall into place.

He also now knows he's an idiot.

Siwon has always prided himself on being a man of action. He had enough time and distance to reflect, recalibrate, and reload, so it is time for him to gather his courage and react.

He texts Shindong to do homework together at his place then immediately goes out to buy some food just to have something to do with the nervous energy that buzzes within him. He even buys snacks that he knows only Shindong likes because he needs every advantage he can get. He returns with no less pent-up energy than with which he started, so he sets to cleaning the whole apartment. He even attempts to do his homework to distract himself before he remembers homework is the ruse he told Shindong to lure the other over.

His nervous energy is apparent the second Shindong steps foot in the apartment. "Okay…" Shindong drags out as he plops his stuff onto the kitchen table that doubles as Siwon's desk. "Is there a major exam you're freaking out about or something? I can't promise I know anything, but I can promise to help you study."

Siwon lets a ghost of a smile cross his face, fondly remembering their intense study sessions back in high school that none of their friends were brave enough to join more than once. The memory passes, and he sighs. "No, it's not about class."

Shindong gestures. "Well? Out with it then. You know I'm just gonna leave if you're not gonna focus, and I really don't want to leave when there's an unopened pack of honey apple twists right there."

Honey apple twists are also Eunhyuk's favourite, so Siwon starts there.

"Eunhyuk is a man of questionable taste," Shindong pontificates as he munches on the newly opened snack. "He loves honey apple twists but hates seafood. He's best friends with Donghae but spends all his free time with you. What an enigma."

Siwon tries to chuckle, but it doesn't work. He takes a deep breath instead. He can't think of anything else to say except: "I think he's in love with me."

Shindong stops chewing. "What?"

"I think Eunhyuk and I spend a lot of time together because he's in love with me."

Shindong frowns, brows furrowed and looking genuinely upset. It takes Siwon aback for long enough that he gets distracted. "What?" he parrots.

"Dude, that's fucked up."

"What are you talking ab—"

"You can't just string him along like that! What is he gonna do when he finds out you don't like guys? Bro, if Heechul were here right now—actually, I'm just gonna call him because maybe you need to hear why that's fucked up from someone who gets it."

And there it was.

Every unspoken fear he'd ever had, every answer to his heartbreak, every problem he never solved.

He reaches out with his head down and gently stops Shindong's hand, halfway to dialling their high school friend whom Siwon hasn't spoken to since graduation. "I love him, in any case," he says to the ground.

Shindong lets his hand hold his phone in midair. "What?"

Siwon takes a breath, counts to three, and lifts his head to look Shindong in the eyes. "Shindong, Eunhyuk and I are dating. He's my boyfriend. He has been since the summer."

Shindong says nothing.

"I'm gay," Siwon says at last, so easily, because he knows that's not going to be the hardest confession of the night.

As soon as he says it, he can see the way so much clicks into place in Shindong's astute, masterful, beautiful mind.

"Is that why I haven't seen you since last semester," Shindong says instead of asks, "because you realised after our kiss and didn't want to tell me."

But not even Shindong can draw the correct conclusion when he isn't provided with every relevant fact. If he could, they would have cleared the air so long ago.

"No," Siwon says as he draws away, clasping his hands tight on his lap and wishing he could have told Eunhyuk he was gonna do this. He'd have said something to cheer Siwon up, and Siwon would remember that now, and it could give him courage. The only thing he has right now is the truth.

"No, that was because I was in love with you, and I realised you'd never love me back, and I needed time."

The silence that stretches out between them is awkward like no silence has ever been, even in the first few times they hung out again after reconnecting.

"For how long?" Shindong finally says.

Siwon tries to remember but finds he can't. It must have been one of those things that wasn't tied to any specific event, but a slow build until the whole of the structure was unmistakable. "Since the beginning, basically," he eventually settles on. "Not since the first day we met, no, but very, very close to it. I barely remember a time when I didn't know you and wasn't already in love with you."

"I see."

He finally looks at Shindong, who notices and meets his gaze for a moment before looking down at the table. In that one moment, Siwon could tell from Shindong's eyes that he can see now. He can tell the way Shindong is re-remembering every interaction they've ever had in a new light, and he simply waits. He has no more cards left to play.

Finally, Shindong looks back at him and says, "You should have told me. We should have talked about it. I could have been there for you."

Siwon smiles bittersweetly and looks away. "But not in the way I wanted you to be, and that's why I never said anything. No doubt, you would have absolutely been there. You would have been your funny, action-oriented, perfect self, within arms' reach but not mine for me to hold, and it would have broken me. Broken me worse than if you had dropped me as a friend completely."

Shindong is taken aback by the strength of Siwon's words, the seriousness with which he said them. "You must have been really in love with me."

Siwon turns the bittersweet smile to him then, tears shining in his eyes, and says, "So much. I loved you so much."

Shindong's heart breaks for his friend, his best friend, who suffered all alone and all on his account. He fiercely tugs Siwon into a hug and lets Siwon cry out every tear, every emotion, every everything from the last two years, all while murmuring "I'm sorry; I'm so, so sorry" into his friend's shoulder.

"For what it's worth, I loved you, too. I still do," he says when Siwon's tears subside into sniffles, but the younger is still clinging onto him. Shindong won't let go until he does.

"I know. I know you did, do. Me too," Siwon hiccups out.

With one last squeeze, he pulls away to give Shindong a watery but bright-eyed smile, and Shindong gives him one right back. The clock in the kitchen tells him they were only like that for seven minutes, but in that time it feels like they just relived every day of their entire friendship, finally on the same page.

"I'm in the mood for pizza," he says abruptly, reaching for his phone forgotten on the table. "Do you still like pineapples with yours?"

Siwon chuckles while wiping away some latent tears. "Please, yes. Eunhyuk won't let me eat that around him because 'it's gross American food,'" he says with air quotes.

"Maybe Eunhyuk is a man of taste after all," Shindong says as he waits for the phone to ring. He catches Siwon's eye just to sneer, "What's he doing dating you?"

Siwon laughs, a whole-belly laugh, and gets a second wind when Shindong calmly rattles off Siwon's own credit card number for the payment information.

~~~

It's been almost two weeks since Eunhyuk last spoke to Siwon, the memory of his boyfriend's face as he begged for time haunting his undistracted moments. He's busied himself with dance practice, homework, and even once tried accompanying Donghae to the gym just to get his mind off of how much more lonely he feels. It was pretty bad before when Eunhyuk was convincing himself that the way his boyfriend was pulling away was all in his head, but with confirmation from Siwon himself, it just got so much worse.

Donghee—He's not about to start calling him by that ridiculous nickname. The only thing Donghee is good at, as far as he's concerned, is ruining his mood—first came into the picture like spilled paint across a canvas: completely and all at once where before there was none. He showed up at group hangouts and even tagged along to his and Siwon's casual day dates, sometimes at Siwon's own behest!

Siwon also didn't touch Eunhyuk as much when Donghee was around, which is saying something because Siwon is literally the clingiest man in all of South Korea. To have such a gentle, romantic, constant aspect of his relationship almost completely stop without explanation… Of course Eunhyuk was lonely. The only thing that stopped him from saying something sooner was how undeniably happy Siwon was with Donghee back in his life, and Eunhyuk didn't want to ruin that for him.

But now it seems like their whole relationship is ruined instead, and the idea that this is how it all ends makes him even more miserable.

It is during one of these pessimistic slumps that he gets a text from Siwon that he, Donghae, and Donghee are working on the quad together. Siwon signs it with "I miss you 😘," and Eunhyuk's heart clenches. He misses Siwon too, but he's not really in the mood to watch him and Donghee together.

He realises he's not really in the mood to be alone right now either. He considers texting Donghae to fake some emergency so that he could be with Eunhyuk, but Donghae texts him first. "don't bail i promise."

The fact that Donghae, the only one who happens to know the full extent of Eunhyuk's insecurities and worries about the situation, is the one saying that piques his interest. If Donghae thinks it'll be safe for him, Eunhyuk will trust that.

He sees them before they see him, and it plays out slowly like a movie. They're all sitting in a quasi-circle on the grass in the middle of a laugh. The scene is so picturesque, and the jealous pang in his chest rings loud and true.

He almost turns on his heel right then and there, but Siwon notices him before he can.

Siwon's smile is bright and free, and he makes grabby hands for Eunhyuk like he hasn't in a while. Eunhyuk's feet carry him forward without him telling them to, and he has a feeling that was his heart leading. Despite it all, next to Siwon is where he wants to be.

He settles into the space by Siwon with a little unease, which dissipates completely when Siwon shifts them so that Eunhyuk is between his open legs and Siwon is giving him a cosy backhug. As much as he wants nothing else, Eunhyuk fights the urge to lean in, acutely aware of Donghee's presence.

"Siwon-ah." Eunhyuk squirms. "I'm 'Siwon-ah' now, not 'Siwonnie?'" He can hear Siwon's pout even as the other squeezes Eunhyuk to himself tighter. He puts a little more effort into escaping Siwon's embrace, but Siwon simply uses his legs to lock him in.

Eunhyuk laughs; he can't help it. He wiggles as frantically as possible—not to actually get out of Siwon's hold, just to give him a hard time trying to hold on—and Siwon playfully bites his ear to get him to stop. Eunhyuk lets out a mock gasp, prepared to do something drastic, when all of a sudden they both tumble onto the grass.

Eunhyuk looks up to see Donghee calmly returning to his spot, acting like he did nothing wrong and ignoring how Donghae assaults his back with amusement. "I've wanted to do that for forever!" Donghae cackles.

In embarrassment, he begins to sit up, but Siwon doesn't let him, instead pulling Eunhyuk back down and on top of him. He looks for the reason why in Siwon's eyes, and Siwon just gives him a small smile before leaning up to brush his lips against Eunhyuk's. It was a soft little thing, but it calms him down nevertheless.

He folds his hands on Siwon's chest and rests his head on top of them, facing the side where the other two weren't sitting. "I thought Shindong isn't big on PDA," he repeats, keeping his voice neutral but loud enough for Siwon to hear. In this position, he can hear Siwon's heartbeat as he plays with the collar of Siwon's shirt. He doesn't know what to make of its calm and strong cadence when he knows the other can feel his own heart rate spike in nervousness.

"You're my boyfriend, though," Siwon maintains, echoing their conversation from a week before with the roles noticeably reversed.

Eunhyuk jerks his head up to face the other. He doesn't think Siwon has called him his boyfriend in front of Donghee yet before.

Siwon must see something in his face because he reaches up to hold one of the hands on his chest and squeezes twice. I'm sorry about that, it says. We'll talk about everything later. Eunhyuk nods, looking at Siwon with so much trust in his eyes that Siwon smiles the same wide, happy grin that made Eunhyuk fall for him in the first place.

With a louder voice, Siwon says, "Besides, Shindong's a big guy. He'll find it within him to get over it."

"YA! DID YOU JUST MAKE A FAT JOKE ABOUT ME?!"

Siwon winks at Eunhyuk before sitting them upright and into a more casual cuddle, Eunhyuk against Siwon's side and Siwon's arm across Eunhyuk's shoulder.

Eunhyuk ignores the ensuing banter between Siwon, Shindong, and Donghae, instead looking up to observe his boyfriend. Siwon's different again, but in a good way, he decides. For the first time since they met, Siwon looks completely unburdened, completely secure.

And yet he's still here, holding Eunhyuk to him like he used to, which means whatever Siwon let go of, it wasn't him.

Eunhyuk knows they still have to talk, that there’s a lot of explaining Siwon has to do and a lot of confused pain he has to work through, but he also knows there's time for that now. Siwon isn't going anywhere; and neither is he, for that matter.

He looks over at the other two across the way and muses that Shindong isn't going anywhere either, but he finds that's not such a problem anymore.

(Siwon's laugh breaks his concentration, and he notices that's different, too—better than before, even.)

In fact, he might even welcome it.

~~~

#super junior #super junior fanfiction #shinwon #sihyuk #siwon #shindong #eunhyuk #choi siwon #shin donghee #lee hyukjae #jaso*

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missmentelle · 6 years

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No, I Don’t Want to be Your Unicorn

If you’re a bisexual or pansexual woman on a dating site, and you’re open about your sexuality, you’re almost inevitably going to be flooded with messages from heterosexual couples asking if you’ll be their third partner for a threesome or an ongoing, non-committal sexual arrangement. Couples that do this are called “unicorn hunters” - because what they are looking for is about as rare as a unicorn - and they are the bane of bisexual and pansexual women everywhere. This is especially, especially true for women who mention that they are open to non-monogamy.

But when bisexual women complain about being unicorn-hunted, or attempt to discourage people from doing this, we are often met with bewilderment. Most of us have even encountered people who are downright offended that we don’t enjoy this practice. After all, there is absolutely nothing wrong with polyamory, sexual experimentation or casual sex between consenting adults. So why do bisexual women have a problem with unicorn hunting? Because:

It ruins dating apps for us. Unicorn hunters generally conduct their search by creating a dating profile for the woman in the couple, and putting her settings to “woman looking for woman”. Every bisexual or pansexual woman knows how frustrating it is to match with a cute girl on a dating app and get excited about the possibility of dating her, only to get the dreaded “Hi, we’re actually a couple looking for a third...” message. It happens over and over again. The dating pool for bisexual women who are seriously interested in dating other women is already shallow - having to weed through a sea of straight couples just makes it more frustrating than it needs to be.

It’s incredibly objectifying. Unicorn hunters usually talk about looking for a “third” the way they would talk about shopping for a pet - they’re looking for a “female” who is cute and will play with both of them. There’s generally little regard for who the bisexual woman is as a person, what she’s looking for, or whether she will get any kind of benefit out of this arrangement. The straight couple only care that she meets their extremely basic specifications, which often have the bisexual woman fulfilling the role of a living sex toy. Assuming that a bisexual woman might want to have sex with you and your partner because she likes women and men and you happen to be a woman and man is like insisting that the only two gay men you know should date each other - you are reducing a human being to their sexuality alone.

It plays into stereotypes. Bisexual women - especially polyamorous bisexual women - already have to contend with the stereotype that they are promiscuous, “easy”, sexually available and have high libidos. Being constantly chased after by people wanting casual threesomes does a lot to reinforce these damaging stereotypes. Bi/pan/poly women are just as likely as anyone else to be looking for a long-term love connection with someone they feel genuinely compatible with, and many of these women may want romantic relationships that are minimally or entirely non-sexual, or relationships that only become sexual after a very long period of getting to know one another. Getting constantly hit up for casual threesomes with straight couples can make bi women feel like no one will ever see them as a serious romantic option.

If we wanted this kind of arrangement, we would look for it. Every bisexual woman knows that this kind of arrangement is available. Every single one of us. If we were interested in pursuing this kind of arrangement, we would make it very clear. There are websites entirely dedicated to people who specifically want “unicorn” arrangements. Unicorn hunters, however, tend to disregard whatever bisexual women write on their profiles, and constantly approach bisexual women even if they’ve made it perfectly clear that they are looking for a long-term and serious romantic connection.

We’re not here to fix your relationship. Unicorn hunting is usually a straight couple’s very first attempt to experiment with non-monogamy, and they all tend to pursue it for similar reasons. There is usually some kind of issue in the relationship - boredom, restlessness, one partner’s libido not matching the other’s, unexplored bicuriosity, a desire to feel more ‘adventurous’ - and they think that having threesomes or “dating” a third partner as a couple will fix this. When a couple chooses unicorn hunting instead of swinging or opening the relationship, it’s generally a signal that there is some insecurity in the relationship; the couple might be too jealous to allow hookups if the other isn’t present, or the man might be too insecure to agree to any arrangement that involves his partner being with another man. Being the bisexual “unicorn” in these situations involves getting thrown headfirst into months or years of simmering issues that you won’t be aware of until everyone’s pants are already off, and then having a high-stakes sexual encounter with two people who care about the health of their own relationship much more than they care about you. Not great.

Long-term “unicorn” arrangements usually suck for us. "We’re looking to have a long-term girlfriend as a couple” is still unicorn hunting, and it still has all the same problems associated with casual threesome hunting, plus some extra ones. Being the “girlfriend” of a straight couple means being on the bottom rung of a relationship hierarchy - the “primary” couple’s relationship with each other will always take precedent over the bisexual woman’s relationship with either one of them. The couple may set very strict rules for themselves about when they are allowed to have sex with the "unicorn” and under what circumstances, but they will typically be free to have sex with each other whenever and however they want. Moreover, the first time that one of the couple have an issue with the "unicorn” - the first time someone feels jealous, or left out, or threatened, or they don’t think that the arrangement is appropriate after marriage/kids - the relationship with the "unicorn” will be terminated in order to save the original couple’s relationship. The unicorn’s feelings and desires will always come second. Polyamorous women are typically looking for situations where they are free to pursue as many love connections as they want, in a non-hierarchical arrangement; being locked into a relationship with just two people who consider their own bond to be the “primary” one is not an appealing option for the majority of bi/pan poly women.

#missmentelle #Bisexual #LGBTQIA #lgbtq #lesbian #poly #polyamory #polyamourous #bisexuality #unicorn #unicorn hunters #relationships

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lettucetacoboatsix · 5 years

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Part-Time Lovers and Full-Time Friends: A Beginner’s Guide to Opening Your Relationship

Recommended Reading

The Ethical Slut by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton (because I really can’t recommend this book enough)

Opening Up by Tristan Taormino

A bit of a disclaimer: As I stated in the “Welcome” post, my knowledge about all things sex and sexuality is probably 95% academic research and 5% experience. With that being said, I do research everything I write fairly extensively and have some of the most wonderful friends in the world who are fairly comfortable in talking to me about their sexuality. Now… on to the fun stuff!

So… what exactly are we dealing with here?

In this post, I want to continue along the thread we started last week in talking about consensual non-monogamy, but I want to focus in on one of the relationship structures: open relationships. The term “open relationship” can mean a few different things in different circles, but, for the sake of simplicity (because, really, we’re going to need to keep this topic as simple as possible, if we’re ever going to get through all of this), I am defining an “open relationship” in this context as a hierarchical relationship born when two people in a committed monogamous relationship make the consensual, educated decision to explore non-monogamy.

This can mean a few different things. You could be introducing new sex partners or developing outside romantic relationships. And these could be together or separately. Again, there is no one size fits all approach, here. If you do decide to open your relationship with your partner, you will need to discuss what exactly that means for you, both together and separately.

Opening your relationship can be a serious matter. If you are not prepared to enter this lifestyle and have not thought about how things like jealousy might affect you, it can destroy a relationship. But that’s where this guide will hopefully come in. If this is something you are considering, I want to be able to provide you with the tools and information to put your best foot forward. Having known couples that have successfully and healthily opened their relationships, I know that this process can be extremely rewarding and bring you closer together with your current partner.

What are the facts?

A survey released in 2015 revealed that open relationships have been on the rise in the last 10 years (those numbers are expected to rise with more visibility, a shift towards acceptance, and, oddly enough, as we move away from capitalist ideology and the traditional family structure). A follow up survey found that one in five Americans will practice some sort of open relationship in their lifetime (unfortunately, the consensual part of consensual non-monogamy may not apply to all of these). As for their effectiveness, some research has shown that people in consensually non-monogamous relationships are happier and healthier than their monogamous peers. Other research, still, says that open relationships don't result in more sexual satisfaction. So, if that’s the only thing you’re looking for, you might be disappointed.

But, as always, statistical data doesn’t always paint a clear picture. The important thing to take away from that information is this: you are not alone. Your relationship, so long as it is conducted healthily, safely, and consensually, is valid and wonderful and beautiful.

Is an open relationship right for you and your partner?

People choose to open their relationships for a variety of reasons. For some, it is simply a rejection of monogamy on principle. It is a refusal to participate in a social system that was ultimately born from the possessive nature of coverture in marriages (the idea that, through marriage, a man took legal ownership of his spouse). Or, if you’re following along from last week, they may view monogamy as no longer necessary evolutionarily. Given statistics on divorce rates and infidelity, these individuals may view open relationships as a potential to approach the facts that we are complex individuals who are going to experience attraction to more than one person and that there is no one individual who is going to meet all of our needs with as much transparency as possible.

Some couples that choose non-monogamy do it for personal growth and the development of their own relationship. I touched on this a little last week, but if you believe that someone else can make you a better version of yourself and you want your partner to be the very best version of themselves, having the potential for more than one partner may let you grow in new ways. It may let you experience new things you otherwise would not be able to. As far as the growth of the core relationship, effectively and healthily conducting an open-relationship requires a great level of communication, support, emotional honesty, and well…, openness. These things can be very enriching for a couple.

Others choose to do it to explore sexual and erotic diversity, whether it's because they have different interests that can't be met within their primary relationship (this is often true for bisexual/pansexual/queer partners in open relationships) or simply because they value sexual variety. For others, the biggest fantasy may be sharing a lover with their partner. Either way, the end goal in these relationships is more and varied sex, with little emotional attachment, and we’ll probably touch on this at a later point, because it has more to do with the swinging lifestyle.

With all of that being said, there are some reasons that opening your relationship may not be such a good idea. Here are a few steps to take and things to consider before you decide you want to open your relationship.

1. Make a list of pros and cons.

It might sound like the least sexy way to make this decision, but forming a list can take emotion out of the process and allow you to make this decision logically. If you’re going to make an open relationship work, there cannot be any surprises. You have to know all of each other's, and your own, insecurities and desires. Why are you really looking to do this? What do you stand to lose? Are you opening your relationship with a particular partner in mind? Deciding to open your relationship for the wrong reasons will most likely result in failure.

It’s important to keep other people out of your decision-making process. This is about you and your current partner. Outsiders to this core relationship are only visitors here. They are not permanent. The risks of opening a relationship primarily affect the core couple.

2. Talk with your partner. Make sure this is something you both understand and want.

A lot of people will do everything that can to avoid disappointing a partner, so if one person brings up the idea of an open relationship, it may be easier for those people to agree to trying it rather than to speak up and say that that idea would make them uncomfortable. Is this fantasy getting the best of you in the moment? Are you able to move past any insecurity or jealousy you might experience in knowing that your partner may be with another person? This really goes for anything you and your partner might be trying for the first time: if one of you is unsure, do not continue until that doubt has been effectively addressed.

3. Opening your relationship is not a way to save your relationship

Inviting the potential for more people into your relationship isn't going to solve the problems in your relationship, sexual or otherwise. Toxic qualities from one relationship will spill over into the future relationships. Just like it's not a good idea to have kids to save a relationship. It takes a solid foundation of healthy and successful relationship to bloom into non-monogamy. If you feel like your current relationship is standing on rocky ground, you need to find stability before moving forward. It’s also generally disastrous if you're only doing it to keep your partner with you. It is extremely important that both people truly want this arrangement if it is going to work. If one is doing it out of pressure, coercion, or desperation, it's not going to be successful, and it is often just an excuse for the other partner to get one foot out the door on the way to the dissolution of a relationship.

I really cannot stress this enough: if you’re unsatisfied, unhappy, or dealing with other relationship issues (such as cheating), do no try an open relationship. It will crash and burn in a fiery apocalyptic hell-storm. Successful open relationships come from happy relationships, wherein both partners trust each other and simply wish to explore other sexual/emotional avenues.

4. Know yourself and your partner

If either of you struggles with emotions, communication, or knowing your own boundaries, opening your relationship is going to add complexity to your relationship. A successful open relationship requires a high degree of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation. A successful open relationship is one that improves your relationship by making the change, not damaging it. This requires that you and your partner have some skills, as well as commitment to each other in the process. You need self-awareness about your feelings, your wants and needs, and, maybe most importantly, your boundaries; you need to know how to speak up for yourself and what your relationship is and means to you. You and your partner also need to cultivate a strong ability to communicate clearly and effectively, especially through high emotion. The idea of you or your partner being with another person can often bring up strong feelings, most obviously are jealousy and insecurity but also shame, and the two of you need to be able to talk about what's happening and work through it together. You also need a basic respect and concern for each other. Again, successful open relationships come from happy and healthy relationships. If one of you is going to do whatever it is that you want regardless of how the other person feels, i.e. bulldozing, relationships in general may not be for you.

5. Speaking of emotions, how do you move past jealousy?

When we talk about jealousy, what we’re really talking about is this terrible and terrifying constellation of feelings that include insecurity, envy, possessiveness, inadequacy, and feeling left out (among others), you know, all the fun stuff. Some research suggests some people are more prone to these feelings than others. There is some debate on whether or not these are learned responses to previous experiences that can be overcome with relearning or if they are innate, evolutionary emotions, that our neurology and hormone production work to communicate and regulate their own emotional state. Either way, enough people experience these emotions that they warrant some discussion. Consider whether you may be a jealousy-prone person, how you respond to jealousy when you do feel it, and whether you believe you and your partner can work through it successfully time and time again.

There are things that will help in moving past jealousy: clear communication, good self-care, advocating for what you need, and flexibility/the ability to adapt. Learning to identify what is triggering this emotional response in you or your partner will help you successfully navigate your open relationship. Also keep in mind that many people experience the opposite of jealousy—an experience called compersion—where you take joy in your partner's other experiences, sexual or otherwise. Does your partner want to be told every erotic detail or do they just want to know that you had a good time? Different strokes for different folks.

6. Honesty is the key

Lastly, opening your relationship should not follow an affair or involve any secrecy. It needs to be free of any stain of dishonesty or infidelity for it to work. You get to define what that honesty means for each of you, but ultimately you need to be able to tell your partner everything. If you cannot be honest with your partner, or with yourself for that matter, infidelity and cheating can creep into your relationship, and this can be severely damaging to an open relationship. Cheating isn’t just about being with another person in open relationships. It’s about abusing and damaging your partner’s trust.

Opening your relationship in a happy and healthy way

If you and your partner have actually taken the time to go through all of these things and this is something that you still want, by all means go for it. From conversations I’ve had with open couples, the first few attempts to open your relationship are going to be awkward and you’re probably going to feel some discomfort. This may be discouraging, but there are ways to keep your open relationship happy and healthy. Here are some things to keep in mind:

1. You get to determine what you’re comfortable with.

Let me repeat that: you get to determine what you’re comfortable with. This is not a negotiation between you and your partner. This is the consensual part of consensual non-monogamy. There’s a lot to think about when first opening your relationship to the possibility of external partners. Are you looking for sex only? Or do you want an emotional relationship with other partners? Are you comfortable with your partner having sex with other people? Do you want to meet your partner’s metamour (just a fancy French term for a lover’s lover)? Are you comfortable with your partner bringing their lovers over to your shared space? Are you comfortable with them fucking in your bed? Did the aggressive change in tone get your attention? Good, these are the things you need to think about.

Learn how to advocate for yourself. This is where things get messy. If you can’t speak up now before anything happens, it will not be any easier once you or your partner have crossed that line. Likewise, look out for your partner. Make sure your partner knows how to advocate for themselves as well. Be approachable. You love each other. That’s why you’re doing this.

2. Trust your partner

Open relationships are built explicitly from trust on the foundation of healthy and loving relationships. Distrust and fear are going to be part of this journey. Accept that. Jealousy will rear it’s ugly head, but again think back to the point where you decided to open your relationship. How were you feeling then? Did you think your partner would run off with someone else if they have the chance? After all, you are giving your partner the option to sexually pursue other people.

If you don't trust your significant other completely, with your life, your emotions, your mental health, or even the temptation of adding another person to your sex life will bring, don't do it. This is why it is so important to have that strong relationship as your foundation. This is not to say push aside any doubts you ever have because at one point you trusted your partner, but learn how to talk about those fears and insecurities, knowing that your significant other is probably feeling some of those things as well. They should be looking out for you as much as you are for them.

3. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner

It's a great idea to talk to your partner about your sex life. Talk about what turns you on, your fantasies, what movie stars you would be naughty with if you could, and, for many people, that is as far as it needs to go. I see nothing wrong with that, discussing new things can turn you on and be its own wonderful little foreplay for your sexual life with your partner, leading to a night of great, passionate sex. And it may stop right there. And that’s totally legitimate and absolutely fine. But for some, if the conversation keeps coming back to the ideas of including a third or fourth person or more in your relationship, temporarily or permanently, at least explore the idea. How would you go about it? Are there possible complications or concerns (spoiler alert: there should be)? If one person believes they would get too jealous or it's not for them the other person should respect that and not push their ideas on the other one, trying to force them to act out fantasies they don't want to happen, some things are not meant to be acted out and only to be dreamed of.

Recognize why you want something (just for your own growth as an open person), before, during and after. An overwhelming physical urge is probably the very best indicator you can have: your body tells you loud and clear when there is something great that you’re sure you won't find in any other situation. If your partner can empathize with and celebrate your successful hunt for that sensation, then you're doing it right. This is the "open" part of being in an open relationship. If they're not happy, you're not being open. But along those same lines, recognize that everyone is going to proceed at their own pace. If your partner still hasn't found what the French a call a certain “I don’t know what,” be patient, encouraging, and seek input from others who have more experience. If you have a feeling that your partner might lag behind in finding external partners, allow them to go first. Be supportive. Opening your relationship is as much about personal development as it is about bringing you closer together through experiencing others.

Communication is the capstone for open relationships. Without a strong ability to communicate, the whole thing will fall apart. If you cannot talk about how you’re feeling, your emotions might turn to jealousy and bitterness. This can lead to spiteful behavior, which is only going to serve to derail that core relationship. A good way to build that communication is to have regular check-ins with your partner where you can both sit down and tell each other how you’re feeling about anything that may have changed regarding those outside relationships. By scheduling it out, again, you’re helping to take the emotional energy out of the conversation. You’re giving each other the time and attention the conversation deserves, but you’re also allowing any tension to deflate.

With that being said, if something ever drastically changes and you find yourself well beyond your comfort zone, speak up immediately. Your consent can be revoked.

Likewise, try your best to check in with each other to make sure everything is copacetic before you do anything major. Even if it is just a quick "hey, I want to go blow this guy in the bathroom; is that okay with you?" It is critical that you make the time to do this. Number one, it gives your partner the opportunity to speak up if they do have doubts, but it also let’s them know that you are still thinking about them. Likewise, it allows them to look out for you and let’s them know that you’re still in a state where you’re thinking clearly enough to check in. If you can't accomplish this sanity check (roll for will) for practical reasons, like if you’re not at the same party or your partner is not responding to your text messages, at the very least, you need to ask yourself if your actions will hurt your partner. Be especially careful to do this check when mutual friends are involved. Conversely, agree to never take shame your partner when your partner asks for something that makes you uncomfortable. This is part of the sexual exploration allowed for in open relationships, and you need to be able to voice your discomfort without harshly judging your partner. This is supposed to be fun, and shaming your partner for their sexual appetites is a sure fire way to create tension.

4. Set boundaries or guidelines, but try to avoid strict rules

You need to set clear and defined boundaries before anything happens. Are you allowed to form romantic attachments with other people or is this going to be all about sex? If you start to feel yourself get attached, are you to drop the person immediately? How often will you get tested for STIs (because safety is key and you should probably just get tested anyway if you’re sexually active)? Are both of you being non-monogamous or is only one of you interested in pursuing external partners (which is also totally legitimate, if only your partner wants to explore with other people and you’re fine with that, you can make it work)? Will you share your experiences or have a ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ policy?

All of this may sound exhausting, but if you want an open relationship to work, it’s non-negotiable. And this conversation is never going to be over. Boundaries may shift and change depending on both partners’ comfort levels or even life events. If one person is going through a rough patch with external factors or is coping with depression, the other may want to revisit these boundaries for their sake. Be honest when you feel like something needs to be adjusted.

There is no sheltering your partner from your emotional storm. You are not protecting your partner or your relationship by not being honest about what you are experiencing of feeling. You cannot avoid having these conversations. These boundaries are important because they are what define fidelity within your open relationship. Part of that trust in your partner is being honest with yourself.

With that being said, you need to stick to the boundaries—otherwise, it's cheating.

An open relationship is not a free-for-all. You can’t pull some shady shit and then cover it with the guise of your “open relationship.” If you are breaking your partner’s trust, you are removing the consensual part of non-monogamy and are, effectively, cheating. If romantic relationships are not allowed, then you must be prepared to adapt and possibly drop the person you’re seeing. Remember, outsider’s are never going to be the central target to any harm done within your open relationship, it’s always going to be about you and your partner.

I know, I’m taking all the fun out of it, but once you feel pretty confident in knowing your boundaries and you know why you want an open relationship in the first place, it’s a great idea to write them down into categories. The most effective breakdown I’ve found is a simple three column list of what you want, what you’d prefer but isn’t essential, and what you’re simply not okay with. This will help serve as a reference for you and your partner, and it will really allow you to talk about things you may have experienced without them. These boundaries can then become guidelines governing how the two of you should proceed.

And I say guidelines instead of rules because guidelines can change and lead you in new directions. Your relationship is going to evolve and these guidelines need to be flexible. Rules are strict and can and will be broken. Strict rules can mean that you're afraid, or you don't trust each other. Things can be used maliciously when there are rules to be broken.

Something to keep in mind is the idea of a trump card (this may not be necessary for everyone, and plenty of polyamorous people will reject the notion because it creates a hierarchy in which one relationship is more important than another, which is fine under this definition of open relationship). If there’s ever a situation you become immediately uncomfortable with, your partner needs to be able to accept and respect your feelings. Sometimes it’s just a vibe, and other times it’s something totally serious, like your partner is well past the point of sobriety, or the person/scene has major drama (e.g. an ex), sexually communicable diseases, etc. You're taking care of the relationship and your partner when you speak up.

5. Be open minded and have fun, safely

This one is a little obvious, but it’s still critically important. Situations are going to arise where you find yourself turned on by something unexpected. You may pursue a partner you’ve never really considered before. After all, this is about your individual growth and exploration, too. You should always practice safe sex, but even if you’re choosing to fluid bond with another person (if you and your partner have had that discussion, mind you) there are still ways to be safe.

6. Accept that you're going to mess it up, know you can fix it.

You know you'll "get it wrong" and break the rules and even hurt each other's feelings and even so, agree verbally with each other that these failures don't count against you or your relationship (or anyone involved). Fire is hot and water is wet. Acknowledge it here and now because this goes for monogamous relationships too, you’re both going to mess up. Mistakes will be made and feelings will be hurt, but again, you started this journey together from a loving and understanding relationship. Accept what happened if/when mistakes are made (don’t intentionally make them, obviously; remember it’s consensual non-monogamy), love and respect each other even more afterwards. You may earn a few scars, but it’s worth it to be free and know each other even more authentically. Beauty marred is beauty true. Sometimes, all you have to say is, "That's not how I wanted things to go, but things got crazy, I'm sorry."

7. Reinforce the idea that you will always be there for each other

As you evolve, reinforce to each other that none of your adventures will put the relationship on the line or devalue your partner in any way: this is especially important if you decide you can each go after things you want separately sometimes. This is the "relationship" part of being in an open relationship: it’s there and it’s solid, and you should be proud of that. So respect it. Embrace it. Your partner is there for you to share all your highs and lows, and this is and always has been about what’s best for you and your partner.

8. Learn to laugh at yourself and expect little.

Things are going to be awkward. You’re probably going to come across people who are very much interested in you, but not in the fact that you have a partner. Sure things can and will back fire. Desperation isn’t sexy. Learn to laugh it off. Learn some humility and talk it over with your partner. It’s perfectly fine to not have sex all the time.

9. Therapists and relationship coaches can help you succeed.

Sex therapy or relationship counseling are always an option for you and all of your partners when you hit rough patches. A word of caution, however, many counselors and therapists are not prepared to talk about consensual non-monogamy, so it may take a while for you to shop around.

Find support wherever you can. Many major cities have groups for visibility. You may find other relationships that can serve as a model for you and your partner(s), and know that if nothing else, I am always here for you, too.

And there you go. You now know everything you need to know about having a happy, healthy and successful open relationship. No, not really, but hopefully this puts you and your partner on the right track. Always remember: People get jealous. People get scared. And stupid things will happen. So long as you can talk about these things though, this could be an amazing adventure. Have fun experimenting and do it safely, please.

If you are thinking about opening your relationship and want to know more, send me a message. Or if you have a suggestion for a future post, send an anonymous ask. This is a safe space, and I care about you! I will do my best to educate myself and I’m always happy to talk.

#sexuality #consensual non monogamy #open relationships #guide #relationship advice

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electricea-archive · 2 years

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@chronicparagon sent - 💕 ( In Depth Ships - Accepting! )

Ryuji & Harmony.

How did they meet?: They were friends initially, who ended up growing apart and estranged from one another for a time, before rekindling their old friendship.

Who flirted with who first?: Before they actually start dating, I could see flirting as being like a playful banter between the two of them - perhaps an early sign of feelings there.

Was it love at first sight or a slowburn romance?: Definitely a slow burn, since they still have a lot of repairing and reconciling to do - on both sides, so I think much of their attention would initially be focused on that.

Did they start dating right away or were they friends before things became romantic?: This answer sort of relates back to the previous one, as I think initially, their primary focus is on healing and on rebuilding and repairing that friendship that they have - so I think they would still have to tackle that before any romantic feelings can really come into play.

What was their first date?: An old diner that they used to study at together, back before they lost touch - it once again becomes one of their favorite places to eat out at and seems like a perfectly natural choice for their first date.

What are their favourite things to do on date nights?: Going on walks together, visiting old spots that they used to love in the past, asking each other questions - Ryuji, for his part, I think would be very curious about Harmony’s culture and Harmony’s tribe.

Do they still go on dates after being together for a while?: I think so. I don’t see why not.

What is their love language?: They support each other, unwaveringly and unconditionally - there’s no more doubts or insecurities between them and neither of them want to lose what they have again.

Who kissed who first?: I personally picture it as a mutual kiss - a culmination of mutual feelings.

Who started the relationship?: I’d like it to be a mutual decision that they come to, together.

Monogamy or Polyamory?: Monogamy.

Are they/do they plan on getting married?: Out of the two of them, I could Harmony being the first one to bring it up, but given that they’re both in school, it’s not an idea that either take particularly seriously.

Who proposed? Was it a yes or no?: I think Ryuji would - I could try see him trying to incorporate past memories into it - like the seashells and the music lessons. Hopefully it would be a yes.

Do they want kids? Who brought it up first?: I think it’d be something that they both want and bring up at different points - Ryuji mentioning it first.

Do they already have kids, together or from previous relationships?: None for either.

Do they have any routines/rituals in their relationship?: They walk to and from school together, which always gives them time to talk about their days and catch up. Whenever they need to study for a big test, they go to their special diner.

How do they like to take care of each other when they’re sick/hurt?: Dote on each other.

How do they like to spend time together?: Talking about their different cultures.

What are their favourite non-sexual forms of intimacy?: Talking, studying, holding hands.

What are some of their favourite things about their partner?: He loves how Harmony is a really caring and compassionate person and he’s always grateful to learn a bit more about her culture and her tribe - it makes him feel grateful to know that Harmony is telling him more about herself and her experiences.

How do they comfort the other when they are upset?: He sits next to her and holds her hand, waiting for her to open up or vent.

Who buys the other spontaneous gifts?: I think they both have pretty equal moments.

What position do they sleep in?: Ryuji sleeps in a position that’s on his back, yet halfway on his side. He tries to keep one arm lazily looped around Harmony.

In the bedroom - Vanilla, a little spice, or kinky af?

For applicable ships - who tops/bottoms?

For applicable ships - who is more dominant/submissive?

What is their favourite sex position?

Do either of them enjoy bringing sex toys into the bedroom?

Favourite place to have sex?

Most adventurous place they’ve had sex?

How often do they fight? What about?: They might argue whenever they feel like the other is hiding something or keeping secrets, I think.

Have they ever broken up?: They might have one break-up, but I think they’d find their way back each other.

Messy breakup, amicable split, remain friends, ride or die: Remain friends, amicable exes, ride or die.

#chronicparagon #headcanons

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gwynne-fics · 7 years

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jeonjuns replied to your post “jeonjuns replied to your post “Board Meetings – Rachel & Young-Do...”

Yes waiting next chapters❤just one more question.If Rachel met him in a club and had one night stand with him would she want to meet him again?

She definitely would. She’d be confused as to why she was trying to find him again but it would torture her a little until she learned his name and figured out who he was.

wei50-blog replied to your post “Board Meetings – Rachel & Young-Do insecurity Lee Hyo-Shin’s pleasant...”

And the masks come off! Hyo-Shin rubbing it in that he is her confidant, someone she spends time with talking to, someone who has known her and been close to her for a long time. His question is real though! Hyo-Shin really does want to know why Rachel fell for Young-Do!!! Funny to me that Rachel can be so clueless? She has known Hyo-Shin for so long, but can’t see his jealousy? Maybe because this is the first time he has reason to be jealous?

This is definitely the first time he has reason to be jealous because Rachel suddenly changed the rules when she started dating Young-Do. Hyo-Shin never expected to be cut out of her life the way he has been these last few months. He’s a little desperate >.>

Like that YD doesn’t take the bait! He does have a good point. It would be best for R to talk to YD directly, and HS should continue to tell her to. R is actually very self aware about her feelings and issues. Maybe not so sure what to do with them now that she recognizes she wants something more with YD. Hope she talks to him because that would be a great way to start getting what she wants! Understand her fears, inexperience, and insecurities!

>.>

Seems to be getting an inkling that two guys who both love her might not get along? Guess it is possible, albeit rare. At least she knows she isn’t safe between the two of them. Also unaware if she thinks she is hiding her reactions from Young-Do, not knowing that he has noticed how she almost had a panic attack while having sex the last time.

I don’t think she tried to hide very much during this lunch so she wouldn’t have been giving off any signals for Young-Do to pick up on. She also tried to be very attentive to Young-Do (because Hyo-Shin suggested that to her while they were talking >.>) But, he does notice when she’s upset or thinking!

Bo-Na not pulling any punches! True Rachel’s past would seem to show that she is not serious relationship material. Clear Bo-Na cares about Young-Do, and also doesn’t trust his decision? Maybe because his last love ended badly? Interesting she claims to know what Young-Do wants, and even after he said reputation doesn’t bother him, still persists in that belief and makes some drastic predictions.

Bo-Na will always be Bo-Na >.> She thinks she knows him best (although Myung-Soo might fight her for that) and she thinks she’s judged Rachel correctly. She’s wrong but she’s trying. Young-Do is used to her so he just accepts her advice for what it is--proof she cares about his happiness.

Like that Young-Do made the point to Bo-Na that Rachel’s reputation is only such because she is a woman. Glad Young-D doesn’t seem shocked by anything Bo-Na says and seems willing to accept Rachel whatever her past may be. (although likely, the one thing he could not accept would be if she slept with someone else while with him.) Like that Young-Do wants to know Rachel, from Rachel, not from other people.

>.>

Yay Bo-Na with three girls!!! Who is president of, is it Mega Entertainment? Is Chan-Young working there also? Ah, Han Ji-Sun! Had established Rachel was pansexual, but only knew about Hyo-Shin and Michael as regulars, so one night stands were with both men and women? Comfortable with threesomes for one night? Or was that just with Hyo-Shin and Michael? Also, Eun-Sang sleeping around was after she broke up with Young-Do?

Bo-Na is vice president of Mega Entertainment and her father is President. Hyun-Jin is just a director, as is Chan-Young. Bo-Na brings her girls everywhere and does not have a nanny. Chan-Young is always encouraged to take his girls when she gets too busy.

Threesomes with both men and women for Rachel. Ji-Sun is a lesbian so she would only have threesome with Rachel and another woman. Sometimes Hyo-Shin or Michael would want a second woman with Rachel, and sometimes it was just the two boys with Rachel.

Eun-Sang was willing to sleep with any rich man that looked like it was a possibility for marriage. Bo-Na does not have a high opinion of her and just assumes that she slept with them all, even if she didn’t.

What did Bo-Na mean by Rachel exploding that in his face? That Michael, someone she slept with regularly, is marrying his first love? Young-Do is showing himself to be a good guy with Rachel and also with Eun-Sang too! Even though he was hurt, still wishes the best for her and does not speak badly of her, even if his friends do. And very gentle with his friends even when they are not being so gentle with him!

Bo-Na is sort of right about what she said but I can’t explain it without spoiling my plans so: >.>

Young-Do tries. He was less gentle when Bo-Na married Chan-Young. He had some concerns and was blunt with her about them.

Would be good to have the basic conversation about expectations in living together. For Young-Do to communicate that it means monogamy to him, not that Rachel will disagree, but always good to make sure on same page. It was a good sign that Rachel wasn’t tempted to go elsewhere even though they were apart for two weeks! He also has a good point about talking to her about their reason for being together not being opposition (forbidden fruit?)!

*nodnodnod* All of this would be good!

Aww, why Young-Do is leaving again soon! Only have a week together after two weeks apart. They’ve been apart more than they have been together since moving in together! Relationship is going to be hard to sustain if there is so much time apart. Maybe they can go on a business trip together!

That would be so nice if they could. Rachel is a president too and she can’t really justify going with him ;_;

Just love Young-Do with little girls! Well, little boys too! Ok, ok, just with kids in general! Would guess the president of a toy company would need to have good rapport with kids! Hyun-Shik a fun character! Seems trusted and does his job well? Good relationship between Young-Do and his assistant? It’s funny that Young-Do is the calm collected one while Hyun –Shik frets!

He’s not the president of a toy company here ^^;; That’s just in the Holiday Meet Cute AU. He’s in charge of hotels but! I did want to switch gender expectations and have him naturally good with kids. He’s been a part of these girls lives for a long time, so he keeps toys for them to play with in his office ^^;;

Hyun-Shik is one of my favorite assistants. I have fun doing different things with him in the different stories. He’ll show up more in TTAF too once he’s personal assistant material.

#jeonjuns #wei50-blog #gwynne replies #board meetings answers

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chaoscrystals · 7 years

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Every note in my phone 22

I guess this is the turning point for me. I'm almost embarrassed at how psychological my journey is. Its all thoughts... Its time to unearth the suppressed and forgotten memories I have, and hopefully uncover the cause and cure the cause for me not believing in life. Sometimes everything feels fake. I feel like I'm used to being dissapointed, and to hearing people talk a big game but have nothing to show for it, and its all breaking my heart. This has to be the turning point because I want to kill myself. So I'm sitting on the fence, like teal swan said suicidal people do. And I've never actually tried to kill myself, not like Michael who has tried to kill himself 4 times. No, I've never tried but I have been thinking about it for years on and off. I just wanna die cause I think everything is a lie. I feel like society is so sick, and everyone's just used to it, and everyone knows but no one is doing anything about it and I really feel like that's fucking retarded, and I don't understand how people aren't caused intense amounts of discomfort by eating refined sugar and salt, and how they don't cringe when they see a mother berate her child, or how I can just sit at home and watch everything happen, and not play with the other kids, I don't understand what they're talking about. I don't understand, but I want to. Isn't that the greatest human journey? Understanding everything. That's why this dimension showed up, right? So we could learn about how we really are. What a Fuck up, why are so many people choosing to not be aware? Is being unaware really so much better? Help. I'm arrogant. Fuck off mom it's not my fault you're behind now. How do you think time and children and society work? Of course I'm more future, helooooo. I'm not arrogant. Fuck I can't get it together if all these scenes from my childhood keep playing on repeat in my head. What's going on? Why am I alive? I want to kill myself I guess my main goal for today is to organize and categorize the waves of feeling I'm feeling. Some I like, some I don't like, some make me feel obligations and they are heavy. Fuck. * If you're polyamorous or in open relationships and you don't disclose that upfront, you're fake and wack and your so-called radical philosophy is actually just becoming your excuse to not confront your own emotions. Most people expect monogamy after a certain point, though I can predict this changing more than it already is now. I believe in freedom of association sexually and romantically HOWEVER most people outside of certain social pockets would be VERY upset if you and them were fucking and they found out that you had been fucking other people. I know these relationships go a lot deeper than just sex, so why don't we start acting like it? Every relationship involves emotion to some degree. Take responsibility if you've upset someone, or fall through or what have you. Fuck this shit, im sick of everyone hiding and being unresponsive. I do it too but it sucks!!! Fuck you Honestly its not natural to the human species to mate lifelong with only one person. But since we are the conscious ones, we can choose to do this and it can be healthy. How do I know it's not natural? LOOK AROUND YOU. HOW MANY OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE STILL WITH THE FIRST PERSON THEY FUCKED?? Its up to everyone on an individual basis to decide their preferences. This means some people will choose monogamous relationships, and others will choose polyamorous relationships, and that's fine!!!! I want everyone to remember to BE FUCKING HONEST and to not get scared of the feeling of wanting to hide. If you're scared to be upfront about your relationships, you're scared that you're breaking a rule. Fuck it. You have to give people the freedom to choose BASED ON TRUTH and if they don't fuck with your lifestyle choices, FUCKING LET IT GO because there are so many other people just like you, I know it. I can't help it. No one is paying attention to me. I want this to change....I'm always thinking about Jonathan. Its a funny feeling, its unfolding, its different than before. I guess he's not the same as I thought, but also, he's exactly how I thought. I still want a relationship that's a partnership with someone. I can't just fuck everyone who I think I'm falling in love with. This year I have had sex with 6 people. And I don't have sex that often, but when I want it I go for it. Honestly I'm so depressed sometimes that I do it just to feel someone. Ugh. I always end up feeling sad. I really need to change my attitude towards this. Jonathan has soul connections with a lot of people..I'm jealous I feel so alone by comparison...I feel like he has all this soul family and so he's safe and he always has someone to message but I don't feel like that..I've always resorted to isolation, I've always isolated myself.. I don't feel so good. I wish someone wanted to be with me enough to actually pursue me. And be persistent about it. That's what makes me the most sad...nobody wants to be with me...I have to chase everyone around...help i want to die I want to cry I have to start by reaching out to other people. If my symptom is feeling lonely, the root of my illness must be being alone. Emotionally stranded. I feel like no one looks at things the same way as me, no one resents fluoride and refined salt, no one gets stunned and paralyzed by visions. I'm slowly meeting people like me. The antidote is at my feet. I'm sick girl I'm a sick girl. I want a relationship that is a partnership with someone. I'm so sick of this touch and go style of dating. I'm so sad....why is it so easy for people to just drop each other. I never forgave Michael for dropping me. Even though we were together for a few months this year, i never forgave him. I'm tired from the sugar I just ate. I want to kill myself and eat poison. But I have to keep holding on.. Ugh why.. I should just give up..I should just leave and throw myself down on the ground in the middle of a far away highway. I should kill myself. Nobody wants to be with me enough to persue me. Nobody wants to come to me. They only want something easy. Ill kill myself so they have a taste of what's to come, the drowning and ice caps melting, the violence, the language that changes too fast for you to keep up. Ill kill myself and then ill finally have everyone's attention. I'm lying to myself every day. I don't want this I just want to die. * I have an idea of the relationship i want. I want it. I want to sleep in their bed 4 times a week and hold hands and watch Netflix. I want to feel like I can rely on them, I want to make art and music with them. Why does Dustin have to drink and do coke? Am I going to keep acting like I'm okay with it? I mean...I am except for when I want to kiss them or cuddle them. Its like my standards are higher for romantic partners. Ew. We had such awkward sex. It would be funny if it wasn't so painful. I cried after because of my piercing loneliness. Shit, i can't keep going on like this. I have stated the problem many times and I am not moving towards any solution. IM FUCKING LONELY AS FUCK. I'm used to being alone because I had severe anxiety and it was the way I chose to cope but now it's getting old and Honeslty, I wanna live in a big house with lots of friends. I fucking cried. Nobody wants me. I have to go out hunting when I'm hungry. I wish he would do it for me But its not him either? His relationship is still digging into his sides and he doesn't eat enough. He's 28.. Fuck this Please I want to die * If this is inertia then what does passion feel like? * Cover songs to review Los Ageless New York The very thought of you Lover man I love you porgy Rehab You go to my head * Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy oh my god why. What the Fuck. I was supposed to be a boundary shattering supermodel by now. Down. I'm so jealous. Why is he like this? I have to...I want someone to pay attention to only me! I want Jonathan's attention I'm disgusted with myself. After this show on Sunday I hope I don't hear from them anymore There's no room for the poetry roses because I'm a recluse I have no room for poetry I miss Ariel even though it wasn't that great. I don't know. Maybe I'm just starved for love. Smoke a lot of weed. Maybe I'm just starved for affection, I dont know I know exactly what He's a same part of this stupid hierarchy I hate that I want to be on top of. This is compounded. The music industry. But I have that feeling in my heart and my hips. Touch me. Hold me. God I'm so lonely Fuck this shit. I will proudly be the opening act. I wanna see everyone squirm. What is it past your office hours? Ariel He is bad news It would be so easy for him to hook in everywhere I'm weak. My sexuality. I don't have room for sex and poetry, I'm a recluse, bound to fantasy, and sustained by fantasy Maybe the poetry is what I needed I feel like he looks at me and sees a fantasy but he can't be in denial of who I really am. I'm quiet. I'm not the next big thing, I just wanna play music, I'm not the next big thing, and if I was I would have much better material to present to the public. I want to play in a dive bar jazz band. I want to feel everything and be psychic. Not the next big thing today, maybe not ever. Its up to me. Why am I so stupid when I talk to them sometimes? Its like I start highlighting my insecurities which is probably the opposite of what a functioning person would do But honestly, honestly don't get anywhere near me if you ignore and disown insecurity. Think of all the people on anti anxiety meds. So its like, I have this twisted wall of thoughts up against the world. Because I'm trying to hold in my ideas about myself I feel like he looks at me with dissspointmment and resentment before ive even done anything. I don't like that. * December 18th 2017 5:43 Am I can't initiate conversation with you, and I think I want to, but I cant, and it hurts, and I imagine you with other girls, and that hurts. Every time I see you even talk to another girl it makes me go crazy I don't want to feel this way. The feeling in my chest is going to fade away This feeling in my pelvis is going to transform me I have no choice * Tuesday set list The very thought of you If I ain't got you I fall in love too easily On the sunny side of the street * Allegra Allegria You can't use him If you liked my drawing, maybe I can read to you from my diary Maybe you'd like that too Hey I love you I can have him too I'm his favorite Full of doubt Pouch Pout Cryiing for someone to hear out out My music Cool Hey I love you too Pouch Famous Pain Passion Raindrops Dog shit Lately I Can't get enough of life * Ariel I'm gonna let my phone die. Im always gonna remember you for the okay sex and the way my heart melts when you smile. I'm always gonna remember your eyes and wonder why I even think about you, and why thinking about you pulls at my heart strings, ever since... The first date Rushing Realiziing that more than sex or status i want emotional connection and support, and loving intimacy, and for someone to see into me and take care of me Why? What's this rush of feeling? I'm addicted to the city. I want to leave. But not yet................... Maybe I can....maybe it's just once. Why does this idea give me a burning feeling in my groin. I want you to take care of me It was the time a while ago you were waiting For me to make a move but i was waiting To write a hit song so I could be on my own Perpetually dizzy and in love with everything I'm well meaning but confused I'm not from here * Fuck you. Well meaning slob pulsing in my hatred artery in my pussy Fuck you bitch

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fallingintounfolding · 7 years

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Exploring love | Part 1: What love is and what it isn’t

I want to create a series of writings that explore how to love.

Romance in 2017 can be a quagmire of messed up perspectives and a revolving door of emotional highs and lows.

And I am not even talking about the modern messy magic of Tinder. That is probably an entirely other subject (perhaps something about empty sex and swiping left, and Tinder FuckBoys…)

This is more about long-term love. I am 32, and have spent the last 13 years jumping from one long-term relationship to another.

Each one following a pretty similar pattern.

The all-consuming act of falling in love, the mind-blowing sex, the heavy dose of hormones and feel-good brain chemicals which last at best 2-3 years, the attempts to build a little life together, before the frustration, mismatched values, and blinding irritation result in a crash-and-burn, phenomenally catastrophic, fall out.

I am really not interested in doing it again (how many times is too many times?)

I have the opportunity to learn how to do it differently, before falling in love again and pressing repeat.

So, how do you romantically love someone?

I am not going to say I am an expert.

I am learning, and want to share (document?) the realizations I am coming to when it comes to love where I am in the world, in my generation, and with intention.

Topic: What love is, and what love isn’t.

Love: Common perceptions Love is not defined by suburban homes with 2.5 kids. Or beach destination vacations that look great on Instagram, fancy weddings with fairy lights, or repeating “I love you” until the words completely lose meaning. Love has little to do with success.

Love is not constant drama. It is not this dangerously toxic thing that we are either addicted to or abstain from entirely. It's not the obsessive topic, that you equally bore your friends to death and drive yourself crazy, with. Love has little to do with pain.

Love is not an answer. If our life is the question, you're welcoming a lot of future pain by believing love is the answer. Eventually, you have to get back to your deeper reasons for living and being here. Love can help and motivate, but love in and of itself is not a complete reason. That might mean a bunch more self-exploration.

What love is and what love isn’t.

What love is:

Understanding and helping your partner.

Loving your partner for who they are: their individuality, personality, history, who they are as they are

Joyful, beautiful, respectful.

Freedom-based

Being yourself, while developing and changing.

Wanting the best for them, while they want the best for you.

Affection and intimacy, based on free choice, love, trust, caring, and friendship. (ie. Not blind lust or guilt.)

Being comfortable with separate interests, projects, ideas, friends, and meaningful relationships.

Working diligently on your own insecurities and issues so they don’t hurt your partner, Realising they are no one’s responsibility other than your own.

Stable, with the root being presence and self-stability.

What love isn’t:

Attempting to change your partner into someone you'd rather be with, instead of loving them for who they are, the way they are.

Believing love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities.

Using your partner to make up for a lack of value you have in yourself.

Sorrow, abuse, brokenness, pain, unhappiness.

Required to meet your every single need (or vice versa) if they/you don’t, they are inadequate/ too needy.

Codependency

Jealousy

100% exclusive, with the belief that being attracted to someone else means you are not really in love.

Fear, insecurity, and pressure. This includes feeling as if you have to meet all the sexual desires of your partner.

Blaming, defending, or manipulating your partner.

So, now we are a little bit closer- we know what we are looking for and how to recognize when you are not in love but rather some hormone-induced obsession or success-driven checklist.

Here are 3 quotes on love that I am going to explore in Part 2.

Exploring love Part 1: What love is and what it isn’t | 3 quotes

from

esthersnippe

Get into it a bit more:

Healthy Love—What in the World is That?

What I mean when I say “toxic monogamy culture”

Thich Nhat Hanh | Selection from Being Love

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midgetmanwhore · 7 years

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For the longest time I was pretty goddamned insecure, I've probably never completely gotten over it. It's my theory into my insane jealousy when I was younger. It is probably also part of the reason I was as... indiscriminate in my choices of partners when I was younger and all I really needed was a yes and a bed. Well that, plus hormones. It was exhilarating and exciting to be wanted.

But it eventually did get stale. Not so much the being wanted part, but the other person being someone new every night, week, month, etc. Eventually that sank in, and I started trying to keep people around. Not necessarily as a steady partner or as a significant other, though that did eventually happen. Most of my closest friends are former girlfriends or partners. If I'm honest, the only reason they aren't still partners is a mix of me being a confused douche while I figured out what I wanted, or their decision that monogamy was a better idea.

After every major foray into dating, or rather after every end into the foray, I'd go back to insecurity and indiscriminate choices again. Usually by the end of my little train-wreck whirlwind, I'd have to rebuilt my ideas of whatever the hell I was trying to find and build.

The last time though, I didn't. I made a conscious choice to behave. I was a new grad, with a new job. I decided to focus on really figuring out what the hell I wanted. I knew, and still know, that the image of life my parents and my brother have built for themselves is not for me. Getting married, building a family, raising kids and getting them to school in the morning. Doesn't really appeal to me. On the flip side, focusing only on myself and just going about my little sexual flings here and there is equally as unappealing.

If I'm being completely honest, its still quite a messy concept and being cobbled together, bit by bit. I've tried to reconnect with the people that have been around for a while, as lovers and as close friends. Some of them have time to date here and there, maybe take a weekend together or do some events. Sometimes its sexual, sometimes platonic. Either way I'm usually still smiling at the end of the night. With most of them it definitely leans towards the platonic side. As much as these people love me, and occasionally want me, it wasn't going to fulfill what I feel like I want now. There's no real barrier between friend and lover to me, between girlfriend and close friend. But I get that it doesn't apply to everyone, and that's going to impact relationships and how we developed together as we both figured out who we were and who we wanted to become.

So I started casually dating again. I would meet people at clubs or bars. Talk to old acquaintances I had kept in touch with, but weren't very close. Trying to find something to fill that gap between eternal side piece and... well whatever I am actually trying to find. My only rule to myself this time was no hesitation. If something sparked I was going to ignore the little voice in the back of my head that always makes me hesitate, or wonder if I should call, wonder if I'm coming on too strong, etc. I am going to ignore that voice, and say exactly what I think and feel. I'm still not sure if this is a good idea, but I have to try.

I've met two people since I started doing this. One who has made it very clear that she has zero interest in my lifestyle, but thinks I'm cute and has no problem dating and playing for now. She's fairly adorable, though I'm pretty sure she's convinced that she's going to scare me away. I'm doing my best to prove that I'm fairly resilient, and that I appreciate the hell out of her honesty about what she wants.

Another that was an old hookup from way back when who I randomly messaged and visited out of the blue fairly recently. She appreciates the attention, and she hasn't been scared away yet by my rambling descriptions of what I'm trying. My only fear there is that she fits pretty closely into what I want, but I'm not sure what I'm expecting to happen with her. Which of course inspires the little insecure coward in me, that I'm doing my best to shoot down. I've only let it slip out once, that I've noticed so far.

That's the clincher in this entire situation. I've typically been the jaded little fuck who fakes confidence and arrogance to try and hide being afraid. I always hold back over this stupid little fear. The more successful I am, the more love I get, the more I hear the little voice in my head telling me that I'm going to be poor and alone forever. Sometimes I think that may be the single strongest driving force in the lifestyle choices I make and the dating choices I make. I see someone that I find interesting, attractive, and appealing. And I see that same little voice inside their head, screaming that they aren't worth it. These are the people I fall for, crush on. I try to drown that voice out, for both of us, and try and show us both that yes, we fucking ARE worth it.

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afishwithfeathers · 7 years

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Billy Wilder Paper On Nerds

This is not a comedy piece. This is a paper I wrote for my Billy Wilder class when I was a grad student at USC film school. Enjoy and thanks for reading.

BILLY WILDER

AND THE MOVIE NERD

Introduction.

In film and TV stories today, nerd characters are practically a prerequisite. Many sitcoms feature a nerd character as part of their ensemble, and one popular program, “The Big Bang Theory” features nerds as the leads. Many feature film comedies will feature a nerd as a comical best friend character for the lead to confide in.

The origins of many of these nerd-archetypes can be traced to the works of Billy Wilder. This paper will explore several different nerd characters featured in Billy Wilder films, and contrast them with nerds in more recent films by other filmmakers. Wilder’s influence continues to be felt even to the present day.

Billy Wilder and The Nerd.

Why did Billy Wilder have such a deep understanding of nerds? Perhaps because nerds, by and large, are outsiders. Their awkwardness comes from a failure to fit in. Their interests and personalities separate them from the mainstream. And Billy Wilder, although perhaps not a nerd himself, was certainly an outsider. As Richard Armstrong described in his book, “Billy Wilder, American Film Realist,” Wilder was an Austrian who came to America. Despite living in America for decades, he never lost his accent. And as a Jewish man living in America (especially during the Hitler era), he must have felt an acute sense of being an outsider. (1).

Additionally, during his time in Hollywood, Wilder worked with some of the most glamorous movie stars of all time. People like Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Barbara Stanwyck, Tony Curtis, Kirk Douglas and William Holden all appeared in his films, many in more than one. It’s possible spending time surrounded by such glamour may have made the average looking Wilder insecure.

And although there’s much humor to be mined from the Wilderian nerd, we tend to laugh with, rather than at them. Wilder’s sympathies are always with the nerd. For contrast, consider a nerd character from a non-Wilder movie, specifically Louis Tully (Rick Moranis) in the 1984 film “Ghostbusters.” The audience laughs at Tully because his nerdy qualities are rooted in selfishness. (Tully invites clients rather than friends to his party so he can write off the costs of the event on his taxes.) But the audience laughs with Nestor (Jack Lemmon) in “Irma La Douce” when he arrests the prostitutes. He may be a nerd, but his desire to enforce the law is well intentioned.

What are some of the nerd archetypes Wilder created? And how did they influence subsequent filmmakers?

The Horndog Nerd. Richard Sherman (Tom Ewell) in “The Seven Year Itch” (1955).

Richard Sherman is a “summer bachelor,” living alone in his New York apartment while his wife and son go to Maine for the summer. Upon meeting The Girl, his sexy upstairs neighbor (Marilyn Monroe), he finds himself both sexually fascinated by her and torn up with guilt about the prospect of breaking his wedding vows.

Sherman’s nerdy qualities include explaining to The Girl that her inability to remove her fingers from an olive jar is due to the vacuum created inside the bottle. He’s helpless without his wife, and at one point answers the phone by saying “Hello, mother.” Even when alone, he’s dominated by his spouse, following her orders about not smoking. He’s nervous and awkward when alone with The Girl. When she asks him if he has kids, he says, “No. None. No kids. Well, just one. Little one. Hardly counts.”

Sherman’s cinematic progeny is Allan Felix, played by Woody Allen in the 1972 comedy, “Play It Again, Sam.” Like “The Seven Year Itch,” “Sam” is a film based on a stage play and never truly escapes its apartment-based stage origins. Allan Felix is but one of a series of nerds played by Woody Allen over a career spanning decades. But “Play It Again, Sam” is the film that explores male sexual insecurities and adultery specifically.

Both Sherman and Felix contemplate initiating love affairs with adulterous overtones. (In “Play It Again, Sam,” Allan Felix is single, but the woman he’s in love with, Linda Christie, played by Diane Keaton, is married to his best friend.) Both Felix and Sherman find themselves torn between sexual satisfaction and the desire to do what is morally right.

Allan Felix and Richard Sherman each have jobs in the creative arts with a strong writing component. (Felix reviews films for a cinema magazine and Sherman works in publishing.) Unsurprisingly, both men have vivid imaginations, and the films have great fun exploring the “What if?” fantasies these neurotic, creative men can conjure up. Some are comical “best case scenario” situations, where they imagine beautiful women throwing themselves at them. These women are “out of their leagues.” When depicted in the men’s fantasies, the incongruity of the women’s mad affections and the men’s restrained reactions make for funny comic set pieces.

In a vividly realized parody of “From Here To Eternity,” Sherman finds himself in the arms of Elaine, a beautiful friend of his wife. While Elaine longs for Sherman’s love, he rejects her. “You must fight in, Elaine. You must be strong. You must remember that I belong to another!”

In a later scene, Sherman imagines himself being hit on by a sexy young nurse while recuperating in a hospital bed. When she begins to kiss him passionately, his nerdy response is, “Please Miss Finch, my adhesions.”

Felix’s fantasies are also informed by Hollywood movies. He fancies himself a Bogart-style alpha-male, and imagines a woman thanking him for curing her of her frigidity. “You got any girl friends with the same problem, bring them over,” he offers generously. He adds, “Sorry I had to slap you around, sweetheart, but you got hysterical when I said, ‘No more.’”

Paranoid nerds that they are, both men also find themselves haunted by nightmares of guilt. Allan Felix imagines Linda’s husband Dick (Tony Roberts) attacking him with a knife (in a parody of Italian films), Linda shooting him (in a “Casablanca” spoof) and Dick melodramatically committing suicide by drowning himself in the ocean. Sherman’s guilty nightmare is a comical scene in which his angry wife comes home and shoots him. A nerd to the end, he asks his wife for a cigarette as he lay dying. Her reply: “A cigarette? You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking!”

In the end, both films celebrate marriage and monogamy and reject the temporary pleasures of illicit sex. For the married characters (Richard Sherman and Linda Christie), wrestling with temptation has, in fact, made their bonds with their spouses even stronger.

Wilder’s film is a humorous and insightful look at the American male and his struggle with libido, heart and ethics. Despite some dated elements, “The Seven Year Itch” still resonates, because its themes and ideas are eternal.

The Academic Nerd. Bertram Potts (Gary Cooper) in “Ball of Fire” (1941).

Bertram Potts is a professor working on an encyclopedia with a group of older researchers. He’s very bright and serious. Language is his specialty, and his nerdy qualities include correcting people’s grammar during conversations and terrible taste in clothes. (Other people mock him for his “hick clothes,” especially his “corny cuffs.”)

Realizing that his research on slang is woefully out of date, he ventures into Manhattan to learn about modern jargon first hand. He eventually finds himself in a nightclub, and takes an academic interest in Sugarpuss, a sexy nightclub singer played by Barbara Stanwyck. Sugarpuss has no use for the nerdy researcher at first, but when she needs a place to “lay low,” she schemes her way into his home. In a pathetic attempt to evict her, Potts observes, in typical wordy, nerdy fashion, “Make no mistake, I shall regret the absence of your keen mind; unfortunately, it is inseparable from an extremely disturbing body.”

Another academic nerd with a similar story trajectory is C.S. Lewis (Anthony Hopkins), the real-life writer as he is depicted in the 1993 drama, “Shadowlands.” Lewis is an Oxford college professor and writer (most notably of the “Narnia” fantasy books). He is, like Potts, a bachelor academic and a serious intellectual, fascinated with language. His nerdy qualities include rigid routine, a discomfort with talking on the telephone (and other modern technologies) and shyness around women. (It’s inferred that he’s a virgin, despite his age.) He lives with his brother in their childhood home. And like Bertram Potts, his social circle is a group of nerdy male middle-aged intellectuals, where he is arguably the dominant personality. (Lewis’ social group, nicknamed The Inklings, was made up of British writers, including J.R.R. Tolkien, the author of “The Lord of The Rings” trilogy.)

There are no romantic prospects in Lewis’ future, and that seems to suit him fine. He enjoys the “company” of his books and his work as a writer and academic. “We read to know that we are not alone,” he explains to a student.

In “Ball of Fire,” Potts discovers that there is more to life than books, and that love can happen to even the nerdiest of people. Potts falls hard for Sugarpuss, and he reveals his true feelings to her in a hilariously obtuse, nerdy (but sweet) fashion: “It took me all that time to gather my thoughts, to analyze my impulses and clarify our relationship. Have we got one of those? It's a very important moment, a new chapter. In fact, for me, it's the first chapter. For what has my life been up till now? A preface. An empty foreword…” Even in the grip of romantic fervor, Potts is Potts, right-brained, hyper-verbal, literature-oriented and melodramatic.

In “Shadowlands,” Lewis strikes up a pen pal friendship with Joy Gresham (Debra Winger), a divorced Jewish American poet many years his junior. She travels to England to meet him, and an odd friendship grows between the two. When Joy’s visa runs out, Lewis agrees to marry her on paper, to keep her in the country. But as with “Ball of Fire,” a fake romance gives way to a real one. When Joy becomes ill with cancer, Lewis realizes how much she means to him. He wants a “real” relationship with her, and his fumbling, nerdy announcement (not proposal) of marriage to Joy is both parts sweet and comic.

LEWIS: I want to marry you, Joy. I want to marry you before God and the world.

JOY: Make an honest woman out of me?

LEWIS: Not you. It's me who hasn't been honest. Look what it takes to make me see sense. You think I've overdone it? Please don't leave me.

JOY: You know, back where I come from... they have this quaint old custom... Well, when a guy makes up his mind to marry a girl, he asks her. It's called a proposal.

LEWIS: It's the same here.

JOY: Did I miss it?

Like characters in several Wilder films, Sugarpuss in “Ball of Fire” is a schemer, and initially only pretends to love Potts. But in time, the big lug grows on her. She explains her attraction this way: "I love him because he's the kind of guy who gets drunk on a glass of buttermilk, and I love the way he blushes right up over his ears. I love him because he doesn't know how to kiss, the jerk!" We see that Potts’ nerdy qualities have, ironically, endeared him to her.

“In Shadowlands,” when Joy’s health temporarily improves, she and Lewis take a trip to the countryside. They get caught in a rainstorm and wait it out in a small barn. It’s there that Lewis discovers what it means to be happy. “I don’t want to be somewhere else anymore. Not waiting for anything new to happen. Not looking around the next corner, next hill. Here now. That’s enough.” Joy observes, “That’s your kind of happy, isn’t it?”

“We read to know that we are not alone,” Lewis remarks at the beginning of the story. But after Joy passes away, he revisits the thought. “We love to know that we are not alone,” he says. And despite the pain of Joy’s death, Lewis is grateful that his life has been enriched by love.

Although the films vary wildly in tone, both “Ball of Fire” and “Shadowlands” affirm the power of romantic love to transform even the nerdiest of people. Books and intellectual pursuits have their value, but a life without love is nothing.

The Anti-Social Nerd. Phoebe Frost (Jean Arthur) in “A Foreign Affair” (1948).

As her name (and haircut) suggest, Congresswoman Phoebe Frost of Iowa is hardly a warm, compassionate person. She’s all business and no fun. Her nerdy qualities include falling in love with a fellow politician while vetoing a bill. While visiting American troops in post-war Berlin, she is horrified by what she discovers. “You should have your brakes realigned,” she says to a General when she becomes frustrated with his pragmatic approach to life in post-war Berlin. Her investigation into a singer with Nazi ties forces her to collaborate with Captain John Pringle (John Lund), who fakes an attraction to her for his own purposes.

Joel and Ethan’s Coen’s Palme d’Or winning “Barton Fink” (1991) showcases a similar anti-social nerd in its title character, played by John Turturro. After writing a successful Broadway play, Fink is invited to come to Hollywood and write for the pictures. While working for the studios, he meets the Faulkner-like W.P. Mayhew (John Mahoney), a serious writer he’s always admired. Like Frost, Fink prides himself on his high standards. Fink wants to think he is the voice of the common man, but he’s deluding himself. When Fink meets just such a common man, played by John Goodman, he takes no interest in him. When Fink discovers that Mayhew’s mistress, Audrey (Judy Davis) has been writing his books and screenplays for years, Fink is outraged. But Audrey tries to provide Fink with a different perspective. “Don’t judge him, Barton… I helped Bill mostly by appreciating him, understanding him. We all need understanding, Barton.”

In a similar scene in “A Foreign Affair,” Pringle confronts Frost about her judgmental attitudes towards the suffering of people she can never understand. “Did it ever occur to you that there might be some extenuating circumstances…? You want (the American soldier) to stand on the blackened rubble of what used to be the corner of a street with a sample case of assorted freedoms, waving the flag and the Bill of Rights. That's not the way it works…”

Frost eventually falls for Pringle, and learns to loosen up and have more fun. When the club she’s visiting is raided by the authorities, she’s rescued, ironically, by her enemy, Erika von Schlutow (Marlene Dietrich), a local singer with a bad reputation. Walking home, the two women talk. Erika asks her, “What do you think it was like to be a woman in this town when the Russians first swept in?” Frost comes to understand how rules are sometimes broken because people are forced to, because of circumstances and because of their own flawed natures.

“Empathy requires understanding,” Audrey tells Fink. But unlike Frost, Fink is unable to feel that compassion. And so, at the end of the film, he finds himself in a disturbing kind of hell, unable to escape.

The Class Conscious Nerd. Linus Larrabee (Humphrey Bogart) in “Sabrina” (1954).

In “Sabrina,” Humphrey Bogart portrays Linus Larrabee, a work-obsessed bachelor in the thick of middle age. Despite belonging to a wealthy family, Linus nevertheless works hard at his job in the family business. Business is all he ever thinks about. (In a funny nerdy visual, Linus is seen at a party demonstrating a new high tech plastic, standing on a large plank in his tuxedo.)

When his brother David (William Holden) suggests Linus get married, Linus rejects the idea out of hand. “If I got married, I'd have to take a Dictaphone, two secretaries and four corporation counselors along on the honeymoon. I'd be unfaithful to my wife every night with vice presidents, boards of directors, slide-rule accountants... No wife would ever understand it.”

Another closed up nerd who, against his will, finds himself falling for a younger woman with more vitality is Macon Leary (William Hurt), from 1988’s “The Accidental Tourist.” Macon is a travel book writer mourning the death of his young son, Ethan. Macon’s travel books are for people like him, people who like their routine and don’t wish to interact with the world around them. (Macon wears headphones on airplanes to avoid having to make chitchat with strangers.)

Linus wants David to marry heiress Elizabeth Tyson (Martha Hyer), thereby finalizing an important business deal. But David is infatuated with Sabrina (Audrey Hepburn), the chauffer’s daughter. To ensure that the business deal goes smoothly, Linus romances Sabrina himself. But then the unexpected occurs: Linus falls for her, for real.

In “The Accidental Tourist,” when the family dog grows impossible to handle after Ethan’s death, Macon hires Muriel Pritchett (Oscar winner Geena Davis) to train him. In time, Macon and Muriel fall in love. Muriel draws Macon out of his protective cocoon and gets him to engage more fully with the outside world. Like Sabrina, Muriel is charming, young, beautiful, full of vitality and, in stark contrast to the man in her life, unencumbered by neurosis. But class differences are unavoidable.

Muriel drives a cheap car and lives in a lower-class neighborhood. Macon is wealthy and successful, and several members of his family look down on Muriel and her sickly son. Similarly, in “Sabrina,” the subject of class arises. Sabrina is Linus’ chauffer’s daughter. (Sabrina’s father Fairchild even chauffeurs Linus and Sabrina on some of their dates, until Fairchild requests to be relieved of this responsibility.) Linus’ father feels that it’s inappropriate for a member of the family to romance one of the servant’s daughters. They contemplate firing Fairchild and/or paying Sabrina off.

In the end, class conflict gives way to the human heart and all live happily ever after.

The Ambitious Nerd. C.C. “Bud” Baxter (Jack Lemon) in “The Apartment” (1960).

C.C. “Bud” Baxter is Billy Wilder’s most vividly realized screen nerd. Lonely, easily dominated, frequently mocked behind his back (and to his face), constantly making a fool of himself and grossly lacking in self-esteem, Baxter is a character for the ages. Jack Lemmon’s performance is funny and nuanced, creating a Baxter who is goofy, ambitious and sad all at once. Baxter’s nerdy highlights include being yelled at by his neighbor’s wife and his proud modeling of his new bowler hat (to an utterly indifferent reaction). When reassuring his boss that the news of the shameful dealings won’t leak out, he unintentionally shoots a stream of nasal spray across the room.

Like “The Apartment,” 1999’s “American Beauty” begins with the main character’s droll narration. Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) introduces himself to us, and his life is pathetic indeed. Like Baxter, he works hard for ungrateful bosses at a soulless company. (His inability to get people to return his phone calls is indicative of how little respect he commands.) His wife and daughter openly mock him. His only joy in life comes from masturbation. Later, we learn that people who have met him before don’t remember him. His wife has an affair.

Both men are stagnating until their lives are transformed by the arrival of a beautiful woman, who helps each of them to discover their better sides. For Baxter, it is Fran Kubelik (Shirley MacLaine), an elevator operator who works in his building. (Unbeknownst to Baxter, Fran is the woman his boss has been bringing to Baxter’s apartment.) For Lester Burnham, the catalyst is Angela Hayes (Mena Suvari), a teenage cheerleader and friend of his daughter. Lester’s fascination with her energizes his life. He begins to work out and quits his job. Just as Baxter celebrates his newfound love of life with the purchase of the bowler hat, Lester buys his dream car, a red 1970 Pontiac Firebird. “I rule!” he announces to his stunned wife.

Both men learn to play the corporate game, using their superiors’ sexual improprieties to advance their own agendas. Baxter is promoted by the managers he loans his apartment to. Burnham blackmails his prostitute-patronizing boss and gets a generous retirement package. In the end, both men discover their better selves, turning their backs on the things they thought they wanted. Baxter stands up to Sheldrake, refusing him access to his apartment and turning down his promotion. Baxter leaves the company and becomes a “mensch,” his own man. Similarly, Burnham decides not to have sex with Angela, despite lusting after her for so long, because he knows it would be wrong. Burnham grows up, abandons his teenage-like distractions and turns his focus back to his family.

Conclusion.

As we can see, Wilder’s nerd archetypes endure. Smart, verbal, insecure but sweet and good-natured, these men (and women) litter our pop culture landscape. Woody Allen, Rick Moranis, Albert Brooks, Jim Carrey, Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Steve Carell, Ricky Gervais, Simon Pegg, Michael Cera and Jesse Eiesenberg have all built careers on playing Wilder nerd-like characters.

Wilderian nerds appear in TV shows like “Glee,” “Two and a Half Men,” “The Simpsons,” “The Office,” “The IT Crowd,” “Bored To Death,” “The Big Bang Theory” and “Arrested Development.” They can be found in films as diverse as “The Hangover” (and its sequel), “Napoleon Dynamite,” “Slumdog Millionaire,” “Dinner with Schmucks,” “Let Me In,” “Transformers,” “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” the Spider-Man trilogy, many of Judd Apatow’s films and the recent Oscar winners “The King’s Speech” and “The Social Network.” Even animated films like “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs,” “Kung Fu Panda” and “How To Train Your Dragon” have nerds as their protagonists.

Wilder sides with his nerds. They are smart, honest people, eccentric perhaps but ultimately good-hearted, sincere and strong. And best of all, they’re entertaining and memorable.

Additional Wilder Nerds of Note.

Shell Oil Jr. (Tony Curtis in “Some Like It Hot.”) Nerdy Qualities: Can only drive a powerboat backwards. Fails to become sexually aroused when making out with the sexiest woman of the twentieth century. Collects shells. Speaks in a ridiculous accent. Rides a bicycle. Dislikes “hot” jazz music. Believes water polo is played with horses.

Lucy Hill. (Diana Lynn in “The Major and The Minor.”) Nerdy Qualities: Dislikes the use of the word “super.” Doesn’t get asked out on dates despite being surrounded by dozens of randy boys and little if any female competition. Keeps a chemistry lab in her bedroom. Wears sweaters with her initials on them.

Encyclopedia Researchers. (S.Z. Sakall, Henry Travers, Oskar Homolka, Tully Marshall, Leonid Kinskey, Richard Haydn and Aubrey Mather in “Ball of Fire.”) Nerdy Qualities: Go to bed at 9pm every night. Uncomfortable when zipping up a woman’s dress. Never married despite having reached middle-age (with one exception).

Artie Green. (Jack Webb in “Sunset Blvd.”) Nerdy Qualities: Thinks he is funny but he isn’t. Looks like Jack Webb. Is unaware hot girlfriend is falling in love with the better looking man she’s been seeing on a nightly basis for work reasons.

Michel. (Van Doude in “Love In The Afternoon.”) Nerdy Qualities: Alternately ignored and ordered around by girlfriend. Tuxedo falls apart in public. Pretends to conduct the orchestra from his seat while attending an opera.

Osgood Fielding III. (Joe E. Brown in “Some Like It Hot.”) Nerdy Qualities: Doesn’t know how many times he’s been married. Says “Zowie!” Listens to Rudy Vallee records. Mother-dominated. Uncomplaining upon learning his date is actually a man.

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