#confusing and weird. only exists when i think too hard about it or someone else acknowledges. like a dragon's hoard

[princessbellecerise]

With A Modern!Reader

──── ✧*･ﾟ*✭˚･ﾟ✧ ────

summary | How the House of the Dragon characters would react to a reader from our world

warnings | None

this is a work of fiction. i do not own these characters

divider by @princessbellecerise

Jacaerys Velaryon

Jace is surprisingly cautious. It’s not as if he’s afraid of you, you’re just so…different that it takes a while for him to even approach you

When he does, you may think he’s being hostile but really he’s just curious

He keeps his distance at first, but out of everyone he’s the first to warm up to you

He likes hearing about your world, taking walks with you and listening intensely

He thinks it’s fascinating, but more than anything Jace would be the one not afraid to truly introduce you to his world, taking you on tours, showing you around and even letting you pet his dragon while he watches you with a smile

It’s clear that the main difference between your worlds is the magic aspect, so while he’s fascinated with all your technology, you’re fascinated by his dragons and the fact that actual witches exist

Both concepts are very hard for the other to grasp, so you and Jace spend your time discussing and having fulfilling conversations, telling the other facts and details about where you’re from and enjoying every minute of it

Daemon Targaryen

Daemon is amused

He is the first to believe you when you say you’re not from his universe because my gods, it’s obvious from your clothes to your speech you obviously weren’t raised in this world

And man, he gets a kick out of watching you struggle with the social norms, often laughing and whisking you away when your mouth gets you in trouble more than once

He scoldes you and tells you that things are different where he lives, that the social customs require you to remain proper and not curse out every Lord that has something problematic to say

He’d teach you how to ‘behave’ while simultaneously encouraging you to be yourself for his own sake, because Daemon loves watching you start arguments and debates, trying to catch his people up with the modern terms you’re used to

Of course, it never works but he looks forward to it nevertheless because it makes the otherwise insufferable events that much more bearable

Lucerys Velaryon

Luke is very cautious at first. Even more so than his brother, because while you talk like you’re from more advanced times, Luke is still convinced that you’ll view and treat him the same as everyone else in his world does

It’s only when you happen to bring up the fact that you and your siblings have different dads is he really interested in what you have to say

And when you tell him that the rumors you’ve heard about him don’t matter, that nobody really cares about blood that much where you come from, will he really start to warm up to you

You’ll see a whole other side to Lucerys that no one has really seen before; he’ll open up to you and tell you all about his worries of possibly being a bastard

Likewise, you’d tell him that you relate to feeling out of place seeing as you’re not even from the world. You’re used to people gossiping about you as well and when it all becomes too much, you and Lucerys have a way of seeking comfort in one another. This caused you both to form a strong bond over your shared feelings

Aemond Targaryen

Aemond is confused

He’s perplexed, and at first he doesn’t like you because he’s never met someone that’s challenged him so much

From your clothes to your speech to your strange gadgets, everything about you is just so…weird. He doesn’t understand where you came from and why, but out of everyone he’d be the most willing to get you home

During this time, you both would more than likely bond in a sort of frenemie way

Aemond with his constant teasing of your lack of knowledge on how things worked in his world, and you because of his so called out-dated attitude

He’d be shocked when you completely disregard his status and talk to him like he’s just a regular person. You don’t see him as Prince Aemond, just the Aemond that’s slightly stuck-up; which you also never fail to remind him.

You’re just so casual with how you interact and joke with him. And over time, Aemond finds himself more and more attached to you. Because by gods, all he’s ever wanted was for someone to appreciate him for him, and not because of his title or standings in the world

And you being you, you don’t really care about any of that and he can’t begin to explain how grateful he is that the universe decided to send you to him, even growing to be sad and a little more hesitant when it’s time to send you home

Aegon Targaryen

Aegon is fascinated

Less so by you and more so of the world that you left behind. And even more so of the trinkets that somehow came over with you

In all his life, Aegon had never met someone that had things that he didn’t. After all—he was a prince and that meant he usually had the best of the best

But you? You have things he’d never even dreamed of having. Like glasses that block out the light (perfect for his hangovers) and medicine to also help with the aftermaths of his drinking

He’s so fascinated when the guards empty your bag, never once hesitating to pick up your strange stuff and demand to know what it does

Of course, you have to tell him to chill out a little bit and that his title doesn’t really matter to you because you’re not from his world

And Aegon is perplexed, and honestly slightly jealous that he can’t control you, nor can he compete with all the technology that you have

Rhaenyra Targaryen

Out of everyone, she is the most understanding of your situation

When you first arrive, Rhaenyra takes you under her wing and never once makes you feel like an outsider. She’s a little bit hesitant, sure, but it’s really not all that hard to believe you

She’ll listen to you and when you need help, she’s always there to offer her aid

With her around, it’s super easy to understand the world that you’ve landed into. After all, Rhaenyra is happy to show you the ropes herself and fill you in on all the ways you have to act in order to survive in her world

You quickly become grateful for her presence because it helps to soothe all of the rumors and questions people may ask about you. After all, she’s no stranger to them herself

And with one look from the princess/future Queen, people are bowing their heads and running off, leaving their intrusive words abandoned

[kaciebello]

Mission love

Masterlist Luke Castellan x Ares! reader (implied, fem) Summary: Chris cannot stay still and tries to get his two besties together. Warning: no use of y/n, Luke is a total loser again, Chris POV author note: This took longer then it should have, but listen, i was lazy word count: 2,2k

Chris liked to think of himself as the modern Cupid. Granted Eros probably would not be pleased about him stealing his job, but what can he do? He was really good at it. He felt he could do anything with recommendations from the aphrodites' kids.

However, right now he was struggling. Not only did he not have a next target, but the last couple he helped to get together was bickering all the time and coming to him like he could help. So he seeks out one of his closest friends.

There she stood, by the training grounds, watching whatever fight was going on. Chris could not care less, as he was here to complain and whine. He made his way to her, stopping by her side. She looked at him to acknowledge his existence before looking back at the fight.

“It’s been a week! A week! And I have nobody to bully into a relationship. It feels like I have no purpose at the moment.” He says kicking dirt that has accumulated on the soles of his shoes. The girl just answered with a hum. he knew she was paying some attention to him. He opened his mouth to speak again but the girl cut him off before he could.

“Why not Clarisse?” She asked as if it was a genuinely good idea. Chris would argue otherwise.

“ Bestie, I love you, but there is no way your sister would agree to any of my bugging. And, to be honest, I don't know anyone who likes her like that.” He answers looking for Clarisse in the crowd. Only to find her sharpening her spear. Chills ran down his back as they made eye contact.

“I do.”

“You do?”

“Know someone, not liking my sister that way.” She says finally turning to him as the fight in front of them concludes. He nods in acknowledgement before a questioning expression appears on his face. The girl smiled and pointed her finger at him.

Chris went red, not only did he not like being called out like that, but he had no idea he was that obvious that even another Aries kid noticed it. He wanted to argue back, but couldn't as another camper showed up and joined the conversation.

Luke jogged up to them, sweaty and breathing heavily as if he had just now won a fight.

“Well hello there.” He says. Chris gives him a brotherly hug and the girl just nods at him. Chris does not pay it too much attention, however, when he turns back to face the girl, he's met with someone that has almost the same colour as a tomato. His eyes narrowed at her as he tuned out the conversation.

He watched her action bashful every time Luke just looked her way. Her eyes twitched between him and Luke. And just as he put two and two together, it was like she saw the lightbulb going off above his head. His eyes widened and his mouth opened in a shocked expression, she was shaking her head at him. Luke just stood there, confused, not aware of the silent conversation between the two friends.

“OH MY GOD!” Chris yelled, the girl shook her head hard as if that would make him forget.

“SHUT UP!” She managed to yelp out before turning and running away. Gods were the aries kids fast.

“What's going on?” asked Luke, who now looked like a very confused puppy. 

“Don’t worry about it, man.” Chris padded him on the back and they both made their way back to the hermie's cabin. Luke seems to be having a conversation with himself, as Chris only hums in answer. He just learned that his best friends like each other, and he can't focus on anything else.

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩

Chris was watching her from his place at the Hermes table. She was chatting with Clarisse. Not even sparing him a glance. He made sure to watch her like a hawk, narrowed eyes and everything. A nudge of an elbow wakes him up from his trance. Looking back at the culprit, he sees Luke giving him a weird look.

“Dude, you have to stop looking at her like that,” Luke says as his eyes fall on the aries table.

“Who?” 

“Clarisse.”

“Ask- Wait what? I am not looking at Clarisse!” He defends himself. Luke just raises his eyebrows.  With nothing to argue with, he just drugs his shoulders and turns back to his food. Chris has returned to his bullshit, trying to burn holes into his best friend. Hoping she can feel it and turns to look at him as well.

He seems to have the gods' favour today, as her eyes fall on him. Her body freezing and her eyes going wide. Chris saw his chance, turning his body so that his back was facing Luke. Chris points to the girl, then to Luke, and then makes a finger heart. The girl insisted on shaking her head, while Chris kept nodding his. After a while, she just let out a sigh and looked away. Chris took it as a victory.

Luke was sitting there, watching them both, not knowing whether to leave them to their shenanigans or to be worried.

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩

It has been a week since Chris has been on a self-given mission and a week of continuous fails in getting his friends together. He would have never guessed that getting his friends who like each other, to actually be together was so hard.

He was currently lying on the floor, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose, listening to Silenas' ideas. He was toning the girl out. As much as he would actually like to listen to Aphrodite's kid, she was babbling about Charles and how they got together. Nothing that was actually helping him.

When he opened his eyes to tell Silena her ideas were okay-ish, he couldn't even find his voice as his gaze fell behind the girl. There they stood. The reason behind his headaches and his sleepless nights. Talking, together and exchanging knowing glances. 

Enghouh, Chris was not gonna let that slide. How dare they try to get together without his help. Not on his watch. 

Chris stood up and gave some excuse to Silena before making his way to his friends. Luke spotted his first, waving with a big ‘ hey man!’ coming from his mouth. The girl looked at him for a second before smirking and waving at him too.

“What are you guys doing?” He says, giving the girl a pointed look. She just smiles at him.

“Oh, we were talking about the meteor shower that's happening tomorrow. We heard some kids say that the cliff should be a good spot for it.” Says Luke.  This catches Chris’s attencion. A meteor shower? Very romantic.

“Like a date?” He asks. Luke goes red and looks like he's trying to find an excuse. The girl just shakes her head.

“Why? You wanna go on one?” She smirks at him. It was clear to him that she was playing some game.

“Why would I go watch Shooting Stars as a date? That's more of a you thing.” He fires back. Luke had stopped stumbling over his words and now was just watching the exchange between two friends. Although the blush has yet to leave his face.

The girl huffs at Chris's answer, crossing her arms on her chest.

“Well maybe you should go-”

“ Oh hey, Clarisse!” Luke yelps making the two stop. Chris's head snaps to the girl mentioned. Next to him, she stood, looking like she wanted to kill them all, or maybe just his and Luke since he wasn't so sure she would want to kill her own sibling.

Not greeting the very obviously nervous Luke back, her death stare turned to her sister. 

“I saw you waiving at me, what do you need?” Said Clarisse with the softest voice Chris ever heard from her. His friend smiled and nodded before engaging in the conversation with her sister and walking off. Not before sending a wink in their direction. Chris was not sure if it was meant for him or Luke.

His head snapped back to his oldest friend who was grinning from ear to ear watching the girl walk away. Chris raised an eyebrow at him when his friend looked down. Lukes face dropped.

“What?” he asks him. Chris just shook his head.

“Nothing mate.” He says before walking away. He was very much aware his friends were pinning for each other, but this was getting painful to watch. He can't let his dude look like a fool. He needs to find Silena fast. He has figured out the perfect date, he just needs help decorating.

જ⁀➴ᡣ𐭩

His plan was going smoothly. Both of his friends have received an invitation to watch the meteor shower. He watches Silena personally deliver them from the bushes. They both run to the forest and find a bunch of kids already there. With a lame excuse, they were able to convince them to leave. So many people rather just leave when told that Mr. D is also gonna watch the starts. Finding a little excluded spot, they put down a blank and made everything look pretty. He has since sent the girl away on her own little date night with Charlie.

Luke was supposed to arrive 10 minutes before her so that Chris had time to explain what his happening and dip before she got there. Because he knew if she found him anywhere near. He might as well join the stars and fall from the cliff. 

Chris heard a snap and looked behind him. There stood Luke, a very confused face. Looking around the overtly put-up date.

“Bro what?” He asks him when his eyes finally fall on him. Chris has an evil smile on his face.

“I am doing this for you.” He says and gets to explaining. He has a whole script he wants Luke to follow. He can’t see his friend fumble and eat dirt at the only opportunity he's gonna get. As much as Luke is like the best hero of all time, he still believes his friend is a massive loser. In the middle of explaining his elaborate plan, he heard rustling of the bushes.

From them emerges his very own friend. Looked around similarly to Luke before standing next to the said boy, both of them gawking at Chris.

“Gee, you went all out.” She says.

“You're 5 minutes early,” Chris says, frowning at her. She nods and looks at the paper Luke is showing her.

“I am aware, thank you.” She says not looking up from the paper. Chris goes and snatches the script from her.

“ I was supposed to dip before that. Damn, okay. It can still work. well, get to the main finish like no problem Luke.” He says, ignoring the girl completely.

“You mean the one where me and Luke kiss?” She asks him. Chris gives a death glare. Luke glances at her before blushing. 

“I didn't read it that far.” He confesses before taking the script from his friend. The girl looked at him confused.

“Do you need to? There is a little chibi drawing of us kissing. Btw, good sport, you should try painting as a hobby, Chris. Would probably do more good than this whole matchmaking.” She fires at the boys. Luke was examining said drawing, while Chris wanted to throw her off the cliff now.

“Look,” he starts, “ it is painful watching you pine over each other. I just want you to date. So enjoy this date I prepared for you.” he motions to the blanket on the floor.

Luke looks up from the paper with a confused face. Carefully puts the drawing in his pocket.

“Dude, what do you mean? We've been dating for months-” A hand on his mouth stops him.

“Hi Clarisse!” the girl almost sings. Chris turns around and finds Clarisse standing there with a confused expression. Her hair was done and she wore a nice dress, although you could still see the biker shorts underneath. Chris's heart almost jumps from his body.

“ What are you all doing here? I thought it was gonna be just me and Chris.” She asks. Chris could see she was getting nervous and anxious. Her sister just smiled.

“Oh, we were just helping to set up, you know, for your guy's date. Chris is not really good at this stuff.” The girl says. Chris turns to look at his friends just standing there. Clarisse nods and smooths down her dress a little.

Now Chris was confused. What date? She and Luke were supposed to go on a date, not him and Clarrise.

“Well get going.” She says and drags Luke away. Her palm was still over his mouth. Luke was able to give him some thumbs up before they disappeared into the forest. Chris followed his own script. The date went as smoothly as it could have and he had a really good time. When he walked Clarisse back to her own cabin he goes on autopilot mode for a second. He can't believe he has been outsmarted by the two bafoons. How can cupids apprentice be outmatched is beyond him. 

“What are you thinking about.” She asks when she notices him spacing out.

“Huh? Oh nothing, I just. I was trying to get your sister and Luke together for ages. Tonight was a perfect opportunity for them to do so. It just didn't work out and now I have to come up with something new.”

“Wait, Luke and my sister? But they have been dating for months.”

“WHAT”

[fun-k-board]

okay! i read the rules and all!

can you write hcs of bayverse leo with a short and busty gf? i have back pain all the time 💔💔

Leonardo X Fem! Reader who's short and busty

Note(s) : I sort of focused on the short and busty part, so if you want more general Headcanons I can do that.

Leonardo doesn't mind your height, he's a giant mutant turtle, he's never exactly been one to care for appearances. He knows what it's like to be judged and excluded, so even if he makes a small joke once or twice, it's never out of malice and always something you can laugh to.

Speaking of, his jokes are those sneaky ones, ones you maybe can't even tell are there until hours after the conversation. They're not so much jokes as they are funny jabs? It's strange.

Okay, so, he strikes me as the type of guy who wouldn't really look at all, he's respectful, looking away respectfully if you will, and doesn't mention your bust unless it's a conversation revolving around it.

The bare minimum, yet still, he exceeds most men.

At first when he realises you're in pain, he thinks that you must've injured yourself somehow. Maybe you lifted something too heavy, maybe you fell down the stairs.

He can't exactly figure out if you have back pain from your chest, not until you tell him directly, he's not an idiot by any means, he just doesn't really connect 'big boob = pain'

I can imagine he's one of those guys who just doesn't understand that boobs have weight to them, yes they exist I have met them, but it's less because he refused to learn and more so because... He's a mutant turtle with a mutant rat dad who's been forced to live in the sewers with three brothers, he isn't too knowledgeable on human female anatomy.

When you tell him, probably after he questions you because he's concerned. He offers a cuddle, maybe some soup and tea if April isn't busy and she can buy them for you, he doesn't know how else to help besides resting?

He probably tries to learn how to massage, which is difficult for him because, you know, only three fingers, and researches how to help back pain, both in general and in reference to a larger bust.

Leo probably wouldn't mind if you don't wear a bra around the sewer, they can get uncomfortable especially if they have wiring in them, and he thinks it's best to prioritise comfort for one's self than tip toe around what others could think.

His brothers, especially Mikey, joke all the time about the fact he managed to get you, not in a weird way, they're not jealous at all and view you as a friend, but they just find it funny because Leo is the last guy besides Donnie they expected to get a girlfriend, let alone one as nice as you.

Leo always forgets that you're together, because how could you choose him? Out of all of the guys you could fall in love with, it just so happened to be him, it confuses him, because you could've had someone normal.

Leonardo really wants to get Splinters approval, which isn't too hard because Splinter thinks you're a great girlfriend, you basically complete Leo and make it happy, it's hard to disagree against that.

You know how in schools or work places, the dress codes usually target female presenting people? Yeah, he's the boyfriend that lets you rant to him about how awful it is, and he's also the type of boyfriend to nod along and occasionally go 'That's horrible 😡'

If you ever get catcalled expect the rare moment of Leo using his mutant looks to scare people, he's basically scary boyfriend privileges, the second he steps out of the light people are screaming in fear.

He probably feels bad about it afterwards, not because he feels sympathy for the people he scared, but because he feels like a monster.

[circular-bircular]

“You can have DID without trauma!”

Vent art. Mod “Armageddon.” Tw for COCSA and general abuse.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You go through 15 years, not knowing this — just existing in a haze, having such a bright childhood, one you grasp for later in the dark moments, trying desperately to hold onto it.

At 15, you realize, wait. I think something’s wrong. You realize you don’t feel like “yourself” — and even more alarming, you don’t know who “you” even are. You hear voices, suddenly, in your head. You find notes you clearly wrote, but it’s someone else’s handwriting, someone else’s words to “you.”

You just need to figure out who “you” is.

You go to your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend because your abusive neglectful overbearing parents would never understand, or might be too worried about you. You ask them, “What’s wrong with me? I’m scared. I’m confused. I feel like I’m going to die.”

They smile. They want you, they need you to stay, and to stay you can’t be scared. “Don’t worry — that’s normal.”

You sigh in relief. Thank goodness. You’re fine. You’re okay. Nothing is wrong. The voices are just normal things everyone else experiences. The fun imaginative things in my head are normal. The fighting, screaming, sobbing, fear, need to run, need to love, need to help everyone while fully believing you’re about to get hit, or touched, or watched, always watched—

Don’t worry. That’s normal.

You are a system. You have DID. You do not know this.

You are 19. You’re not sure when that happened — isn’t time silly that way? You are normal. You were a bit “quirky” and “cringy” in high school, roleplaying a lot. You do not remember the voices in your head. You do not remember their names. You do not remember two entire years of high school, and you do not remember that you have forgotten.

You see a student presentation in class about a story, and how the main character could be read as having dissociative identity disorder. “The symptoms come from childhood trauma,” the student says, “but people don’t always remember their trauma.”

She describes the symptoms. You feel… weird. Why does that sound so familiar? So normal? You laugh a little and look around, expecting everyone else to be rolling their eyes at such an obvious observation. How ridiculous of psychologists to diagnose a very normal thing, right? But everyone else is nodding along, very interested, and the professor praises the student for her psychological lens, and “valuable research gathering on a rare disorder.”

You don’t remember going to your dorm, or the test you took that day online. The next thing you remember is not being “you” anymore, because “you” is locked in a room in your mind, and now you’re someone else, sobbing at the website you’ve pulled up. It’s about dissociative identity disorder.

You’re not you. You’re someone else.

You go to your best friend. You tell them everything at 4am, sobbing because you don’t know what to do anymore, and you’re scared, because you don’t know who you are.

“You’re not crazy. This isn’t normal, but you aren’t crazy. I believe you.”

You breathe for the first time in years months weeks days.

You are 19. You have DID. You think.

There’s only one problem; you don’t have trauma. You do. It’s there. They hurt you so much, you idiot, why can’t you hear the voices screaming that at you? So what on earth are you experiencing?

You try to research it. All you have is a DSM-III and resources on multiple personality disorder. And, of course, tumblr — your home away from home.

You find a war happening. People with trauma versus people who say they have none. They all seem to hear voices, and many are angry and struggling and confused, just like you. You must be like these “plurals” you’ve seen. The ones without trauma but with DID. That’s not what that was, and you know that now, but it’s was so hard to tell back then.

You join them. “I have DID,” you say, “but I don’t have trauma.”

“That’s okay!” They tell you. “You can have DID without trauma.”

What a relief. You’re normal. You’re fine. You’re not like those anti-endos, you’re told. “They medicalize their systems,” you’re told, “and their therapists are abusing them.” You feel so bad for those poor systems. They’re not like you; you’re fine. You’re normal. Unlike them.

You try to avoid the traumatized ones, but you see so many of them getting angry. They keep yelling about these people who don’t have trauma, who are “appropriating a disorder” — that same disorder you clearly have, but you don’t have trauma.

You crash your car while dissociating so hard that you hallucinate your parts headmates around you. And you are happy, because at least you have a family to take care of you. Isn't it so nice to see your parts headmates in real life?

You're normal. It's okay. You don't have trauma. You don't need trauma to be a system, and you love being a system. No you DON'T, the parts scream, you're dreaming! Wake up! Wake up, please, god, don't let that woman hug you, don't you know what she did--

You keep moving on.

Then you see the arguments that spark something in you. “You need trauma, but the age range is wider than you’d think.”

Your sexual abuser abusive romantic partner best friend from high school. There’d been that time you fell out with her. That time you blew up at her because she’d kissed you in public, blamed you for teasing her too much. You realize how little you remember.

What else have you forgotten?

“I have trauma but it’s well past the age range,” you say to an anti-endo, knowing you shouldn't have spoken to them, because everyone tells you not to -- but none of them are traumatized, and this person is. “What’s wrong with people having this disorder without trauma?”

“There’s decades of research on this,” you’re told. “It sounds like you do have trauma. Consider that you might have some you don’t remember. Otherwise, you don’t have DID.”

You are 19. You have DID, you know it. You ignore this person. “These other people told me I don’t need trauma. You’re just gatekeeping. You’re just wrong. I’m not traumatized. I’m not like you. I’m better.”

You go to the ones who comforted you, listened to you, manipulated you. "I have trauma, I think, but it's past the age those anti-endos talk about, how ridiculous are they?"

"I'm so proud of you for standing up to those sysmeds! A lot of us have been traumatized because of how people treat our system. I'm sorry those anti-endos traumatized you."

"Well, it wasn't them -- but you're right. Anti-endos are traumatizing. They've traumatized me."

You believe the lie you spread, because they spread it first, and it sounds right. You do not mention that you learned you were sexually assaulted by a peer as a child. That would just be trauma dumping, and that would make you no better than a sysmed.

You are 19. You’re “cured” of your DID, because the plurals around you say that if you like your system, you don’t have DID. They say if you can’t remember your trauma, you probably don’t have any, and “most DID is caused by trauma, you just might be a disordered plural.” They call you endogenic, or mixed-origin, or autigenic. Trying to suggest you have DID leads to them talking about those horrible traumatized systems DID systems disordered systems anti-endos.

“You can’t listen to them. You can’t reblog from them. They’re homophobic, racist, transphobic, bigoted, ableist, wrong. Any information they share is ableist.”

You listen. You always have. You roll your eyes good naturedly at them suggesting you don't have trauma -- they just meant your system isn't caused by trauma. They just misspoke. That's all.

... But what if they're right?

You are 20. You are a ????? system. You say you have DID, because you are disordered and fit all of the criteria, and you can have DID without trauma. Maybe you are just plural?

You start getting into fights with systems online. You spread misinformation your experiences. Anyone who disagrees with you is an ableist gatekeeper. You get fakeclaimed and it hurts. Now you are traumatized by anti-endos. You try to avoid them more, falling deeper into those circles that include everyone, including you. They must love you. They love everyone.

You see a post about trauma. You realize, slowly, so so slowly, your parents have hurt you. You remember everything. No??? You remember so little, the voices scream, sob, you can’t remember it because you’re not even trying to. Why bother trying when you can live in denial, and keep getting abused each time you go home, and keep getting hurt worse and worse every single weekend?

You are 20. You are a DID system. You have trauma. You know some of it.

You go to your manipulators harassers friends. “I figured it out! My system was formed my trauma!"

“Oh, you poor soul, who told you that?”

You feel cold. “What?”

“Those awful anti-endos fakeclaiming you-“

You feel isolated. “No?”

“You can’t listen to them. You’re autigenic. You’re being manipulated. You don’t have trauma.”

“My parents-“

“They love you, that’s not abuse. They were rich, that’s not abuse. They only yelled at you, that’s not abuse. You aren’t traumatized — don’t let the anti-endos convince you that you are.”

You are desperate. “But my DID!”

They frown at you. “You don’t need trauma to have DID. Saying otherwise makes you a sysmed."

You leave your friends. They weren’t friends at all.

You isolate. You have nobody. You made it clear that you would not speak to the filth anti-endos traumatized systems like yourself. You have nobody left to talk about your trauma with.

You are 21. You are a traumatized DID system. You only have your partner and in real life friends. Your abusers force you to drink on your birthday, and come into your safe space. You have nightmares for weeks.

Then you’re 22 and you are stuck with your abusers. You can see their faces now. You know the truth. You feel sick.

You are 23. 24. 25. You find new circles. You've researched trauma more, not nearly enough. You briefly become anti-endo, frustrated as you see more and more people hurt like you were, frustrated that the pro-endo spaces do not have any resources for those like you. Then you mellow, you try to divorce your trauma from your experience online. You try to find places to spread research and knowledge, to be traumatized and have people recognize what that means.

You are attacked for being traumatized, because this space has never been safe for trauma victims. You remember how you used to think when you were 19. You remember how you felt when you were left all alone. You try to keep the doors open, but it's so so hard, and you have to take care of yourself too. But you try. God, you try to help others.

You are 26.

You are in so many circles — endogenic, plural, CDD, traumatic, traumagenic, it doesn’t matter. You have so many people.

You see people telling others, “You don’t need trauma to have DID!” You take a deep breath and follow what your disgusting medicalist inclusive and welcoming therapist has taught you about stopping spirals. You try not to say anything deep at first, because you’re clearly triggered, and recent lessons have taught you more that you need can’t be traumatized online without getting hurt badly.

But you see people denying their trauma. Saying, “I don’t remember any trauma, and even if I did have trauma, I don’t feel like I do."

You remember being that way. You remember not remembering. You remember how your parents sexually abused you, now, even after you thought you’d remembered it all. You remember how your parents hit you and neglected you alongside their overbearing lack of boundary keeping. You remember how you convinced yourself it wasn’t trauma.

You remember how you went back, for years, because of what people said.

You could have left at 19. You had the chance. The options. The doors to freedom were wide open, and you did not step out, because you thought your cage was already freedom.

How much sooner could you have been free if you had simply acknowledged you had trauma, and it had been made clear that it was okay to have trauma? That it would be safe to leave? That you deserved to be able to leave?

You do research. You've done research. You try to find proof of endogenic -- of non-trauma -- DID. You find fakeclaiming. You find people misinterpreting statistics, or even flat out lying about statistics. You find decades, even centuries of research, in the attempt to figure out what's happening. You even resort to literary analysis, because at least you might be able to find evidence of people discussing non-trauma DID as a legitimate scientific thing while psychoanalysing old texts -- just like back at 19, back in college, back when you first heard what DID was.

You find nothing.

You try to share your experiences still. You try to explain in more private spaces, spaces where there can't be anonymous hatred flung your way -- or worse, people who have determined that you are an enemy that must be defeated taking each word you say and twisting it to demonize you -- and you watch in horror as they remember.

"That's trauma?"

"That's disordered?"

"I've never heard of this before."

"I thought I was endogenic. I thought I didn't have trauma."

They're fine. They struggle -- but trauma is a struggle -- and more importantly, they now know what resources to even aim for. They know where to look. They know what can help.

You wish you'd known that.

And you will never, ever stop being bitter about the years those people took from you. You will never forgive them for their fakeclaiming. You will never forgive them for the years you spent being abused more.

But it's okay.

It's normal.

And isn't it better to be inclusive of that very slim amount of people who, despite all evidence to the contrary, and despite all of Occam's understandings, and despite the harm that inclusiveness does to those who are suffering, just have DID without any of that pesky, disgusting trauma?

What do I know? I'm just a filthy sysmed.

[according2thelore]

i love the es dean / ls sam dynamic you've set up so much. I feel like it would slowly become a little hard for es dean though, as much as he's also happy as hell -- bc this sam knows him SO WELL and can read him like a freaking book and is able to ~take care of him~ and dean tries soo hard but he can't reciprocate as fully. it's the steak, it's sammy pushing him away for older dean after a nightmare, it's something happening that sets him off and sam just LEAVES (okay, to the gun range, not leaves-leaves, but STILL) and when es!dean tries to follow ls!dean won't let him, says he needs the time alone to regulate.....

I think it would be really tough for 26yo dean who is so used to caring for people--who LOVES caring for people--and is not so used to being doted on. and ofc ls sam knows he's trying and adores him for it and isn't at all upset but still... i think the role reversal, as it is, would be tough for him at times.

you're so right, anon!!!!

and EEP!!! thank you!!! ES!Dean and LS!Sam are just *sounds of me devouring them like the cookie monster*

you've hit the nail right on the head!

one of my favourite things about dean as a character is his crippling desire to be essential.

i think this trait is a lot more baldly demonstrated in the early seasons--he's collapsing inwards from it. he needs to be essential to dad, but he's not. he needs to be essential to sam, but he's not.

hell, he says it S1E2: "saving people, hunting things" -- he needs to be needed. his entire identity is built on the necessity of his existence. he has to hunt these monsters, because they (civilians) rely on him. who is going to protect them if i don't? i sacrifice my health and safety and life so the ambiguous "you" are safe.

LS!Dean takes a more back-step approach to this: he has a circle of friends/family that he wants to be important to, but he really only needs to be essential to sam (the trials, kicking cas out of the house in a time of particular need, not being responsive to jack's need to connect, etc.). he has his reasons, but he's a lot more jaded, and connects less with individuals on hunts. a barest touch less "saving people" a touch more "hunting things."

but for ES!Dean?? babygirl he NEEDS IT!!!! he loves serving a purpose!!!!! when sam says "i need you to be my brother again, because, just because--" DEAN DROPS EVERYTHING!!!! HIS BABY NEEDS HIM!!!

people needing ES!Dean is his purpose! so i think an LS!Sam who has needs that dean can't fill, or that can only be filled by someone else (like LS!Dean), it would tear ES!Dean down from the inside.

and he's not used to being doted on! his whole purpose is functionality to the user. ES!Sam just came back after not-needing dean so hard that he left for four years, some of that no-contact.

so for LS!Sam to choke down a steak that he can't stand, or take ES!Dean to the store and insist on buying him whatever cool shit he can fit in his arms; to, hell, even the quiet moments, of LS!Sam bringing ES!Dean his beer first. or salting ES!Dean's fries at the counter like he likes them before they even sit down.

it's confusing!!!! ES!Dean keeps trying desperately to reciprocate, to prove that i have function too! i know you, too! i'm not ungrateful, and i'm not purposeless, and you should keep me! please keep me!

but he keeps misstepping! from big things like the steak or being unable to calm sam down from a panic attack to small things like not knowing which weird hippie cereal sam likes best.

he keeps trying to provide and to dote and to care, but LS!Sam needs different things from dean than he did when he was 22.

of course, LS!Sam is giddy and smiling softly and wants to hold his little baby face between his hands because he can tell ES!Dean is trying so hard. ES!Dean adores being doted on, as much as it's confusing and strange, because it makes him feel wanted!

you said it--ES!Dean LOVES caring for people! it's how he expresses his love and devotion and intention! and being unable to fully reciprocate this attention from LS!Sam would break his little ES heart!

he can't understand why LS!Sam sometimes needs to leave to regulate (and a small, frantic, base part of him panics bc the last time sam needed "space," dean didn't hear from him for two years). dean's not good at giving space, lol. he wants to be needed! he needs it! he loves it!

by the way, i ADORE the way you wrote this. your insight!! your talent!! mwah!!!

YOU GET IT!

-lizzy

[aspaceformbf]

Stardew Boyfriend Mod Ideas Yet Again!

Apparently there are mods where you can marry other characters in Stardew Valley.. so it IS possible!

I know i wrote some fics detailing what yb would be like as a stardew companion, but they are a bit too detailed and might not be easy to turn into a mod.

I think the gojo mod just adds the heart events and marriage stuff. YB is already in love with you so I like the idea that each heart event is actually YOU liking and trusting him more, like a reverse dating sim.

Fic 1

Fic 2

Or check the #stardew tag

---

If You're Married to Someone Else

Him killing off characters you're dating or married to might be a lot of programming so maybe just dialogue of him being sad and going

"I would get rid of them if i could.."

If he has 6 of your hearts or above he would be like

"i'm the better option, we both know that..."

Actually.. there might be an easier way to go about this..

What if the NPC you married resets to zero hearts a few days after marriage? They still exist in the game and do their usual routines but the option to date them is locked.

---

After marriage, yb goes silent for a while or says stuff like

"they don't deserve you.."

"they stole you from me.."

"I will fix this, don't worry.."

And then boom, you're unmarried.

Thing is you can still date and marry other characters, just not the one that yb has already "taken care of"

The cycle just continues if you keep trying that.. you marry.. you get unmarried, and eventually more and more NPCs get locked off dating until there's only him left

---

YB "Taking Care" of Your Spouses

One day you wake up and your partner is not there. You walk out of the house and there's a dialogue saying

"Where did they go?"

You are still "married" when you check your status

---

If you find your married partner where they usually are at 0 zero hearts and talk to them, you will get an extra dialogue/monologue going

"Why are they acting like they don't know me?"

You can keep talking to them and they just give their usual dialogues and you get extra monologues like

"Is this some kind of prank? Knock it off!" "What are you doing here? Come home.." "Stop acting so cold.." "What's going on??"

If you don't bump into them and end the day, when you go to bed you will get a monologue saying

"That's weird.. I didn't see them today.."

If you bump into yb

"I had to do this"

"They are out of the way now.. you will understand soon enough"

---

By the third day, your monologues escalate to stuff like

"So we're really over huh.." "This isn't funny anymore.. if you don't come home soon, we are done"

If you talk to yb by the second day, he will tell you that you're not married anymore and that you and him can "continue loving each other"

After five days your status goes back to unmarried, your ex reverts to 0 hearts and you can date other characters (yb) now

If you try to give them a bouquet again at 8 hearts, you get dialogue like

"They don't seem interested" "They turned it down" "I'm not going through this again"

---

Other Mod Features

Sometimes the day starts with his sprite next to your bed. He runs off as you wake up.

You get gifts from him in the mailbox.

He gives you common items like forages or berries or fish sometimes when you talk to him. The chances of him giving you flowers are pretty high.

After starting a game with him, you receive two roses in your mailbox. He approaches you with a bouquet. He tries to hug you but your character doesn't know him and steps away.

He looks stunned

"..."

His confusion changes to a smiling sprite

"Oh I get it. I need to earn your affection! Don't worry love, I will prove my love to you!"

---

Q : High Value Items

What if he gives you high value items every other day.. or maybe once a week, so people can't exploit it? 

Imagine if he gives you a gold tool or something hard to get early on if you're lucky enough

---

I'm not sure if he would give you tools above your current progress level, I mean it's something to consider since he would do it if he could. It would  screw up the pacing of the game though.

Tumblr lore states he is stable financially but he's not FILTHY rich so.. I like to think of him leveling with you. His gifts start off relatively simple and not like.. game breaking.

So expensive and powerful tools could be something he gives you once you reach a certain level or milestone.

Maybe a dialogue option where you can let him know what kind of gifts you prefer? Or something that toggles if he would give you something WAY above your current level?

---

Q : Existing Children

What if I already have a child with the npc, does the child get dismissed?

---

Maybe you can't get a child with anyone other than yb in this mod. When you apply to adopt, the adoption process gets delayed or you find that none of the adoption agencies are responding to you?

---

Q : i already have a kid with maru tho

---

Probably need a new save file I guess. Or.. 

One way to do this without really breaking the game is if the kid disappears when you add the mod to your existing save file.

You receive a letter in the mailbox reassuring you that your kid is safe. Yeah he kidnaps the child.

Or the kid just stays with you and you're a single parent after he "deals" with your current marriage partner.

---

Q : the kid could be scared of him

---

Does the kid have much dialogue in the game? Game wise the kid just disappears and reappears after you marry him.

If there's dialogue involved, it could be a game breaking event where they just act as if yb has been their dad the whole time.

[gwenbrightly]

(Re)Building the Future Chapter 6

By all accounts, the path that Freddy, Gregory, and Vanessa take through the Pizzaplex doesn’t make any sense. In some places, they are able to find and follow the same route as Cassie. In others? Well, with the way she seems to have been able to travel through solid objects, it’s almost like trying to follow a ghost. Gregory is pretty sure they’ve discovered several places he didn’t even know existed before today, but it’s hard to tell, considering how different everything looks now. Even the places he knows he’s been to before lack familiarity in their state of ruin.

“One of the entrances to Roxy Raceway should be just up ahead,” Vanessa announces as they reach the end of yet another hallway filled with junk. Gregory tenses slightly. Hopefully they don’t run into the animatronic wolf. He’s pretty sure she still hates him for low key ruining her life. The kind of hatred that fuels rage strong enough to motivate you to chase someone through a flaming inferno. Literally.

She still seemed pretty upset about that when Cassie ran into her earlier from what Gregory could see on the security footage.

“Um… Maybe you should go first, Vanessa,” Gregory suggests as they reach the end of the hallway. “Just in case.”

“In case of what?” Freddy asks, confused. Gregory hasn’t displayed any self preservation instincts today up til now. It’s a little unnerving to be honest.

“In case, you know, Roxy’s right on the other side of the door? I don’t think she’ll want to see either of us,” Gregory points out. He’s probably right. Roxy had seemed a bit unhinged the last time Freddy saw her.

“Fine,” Vanessa says, “but you get to be the human shield next time.” She’s not completely sure Roxy hates her any less than she hates the others, but she does owe Gregory for all those times she tried to kill him, so she’ll do as he asks (this time).

Gregory only recognizes the storage room on the other side of the door when he sees what’s left of Princess Quest II. As with most other things in this place, it has definitely seen better days. It’s almost a shame, really. That game had some pretty amazing gameplay (for being 110% certifiably haunted). He rather enjoyed going swishy-stabby with glowing swords, even if he still doesn’t totally understand the game’s connection to Vanessa.

No sign of Roxy so far, he notices with relief. But the canyonesk decor on some of the walls tell him she could be close. They're definitely not far from the raceway now. Too bad he doesn’t have a real life glowing sword to defend himself with. That would make him feel a whole lot better about all of this. So much better. He’d look so cool with a sword…

“Now we just have to cut through Glamrock Salon and then head towards the sinkhole,” Vanessa announces, interrupting his sword related fantasies. “Hopefully the floor isn’t too damaged and we can actually get over there without having to backtrack.”

“The Pizzaplex has a salon?” Gregory is pretty sure he would remember seeing a place like that. Nothing comes to mind. Cassie could probably fill him in on it if she were here. She loves experimenting with different looks when she gets bored.

“Gregory… We passed through the Salon at least once while we were searching for a way to defeat Roxy,” Freddy says, “How do you not remember this?”

Gregory shrugs. “I have no idea. Maybe I was too distracted by how cool Princess Quest II was to notice anything else. I mean, it had an awesome glowing sword and everything!”

Freddy and Vanessa share a look that makes him feel like he’s being judged heavily (because he is).

“Okay. Well. Might as well keep moving,” Vanessa says eventually. She’s not quite sure how to respond to Gregory’s cluelessness.

It’s eerily quiet inside the salon itself. Which is weird, considering how messy it is. Though the rubble in the corner and the fallen signs are probably from the ‘earthquake’ that damaged the Pizzaplex months ago, the trashed furniture and mirrors are most likely victims of Roxy’s rage. And yet… the animatronic wolf doesn’t seem to be here, either. Gregory can’t help but wonder where she is. If they’ll actually see her. If she’ll even be the threat he’s made her out to be. He’s surprised his mere presence hasn’t summoned her to take revenge upon his sorry soul. Not that he wants that or is particularly sorry. Because he’s really not.

Roxy Raceway is an even bigger mess than the salon. Rubble, half filled shipping containers, and gaping holes create a maze of obstacles nearly impossible to navigate.

“How the heck did Cassie make it through here without getting trapped somewhere?” Gregory asks, weaving his way around a set of construction barriers. All of them are struggling and they don’t have the added threat of MXES and Roxy (who is somehow still totally absent) chasing after them.

“I dunno. But it did seem like I got places faster when I was wearing my V.A.N.N.I mask,” Vanessa remembers, frowning thoughtfully.

“Weird,” Gregory replies, saying what they’re all thinking. There are some things from the night of The Incident (and before for that matter!) that none of them really have explanations for. Things that don’t quite add up about the Pizzaplex and all that happened there. Memories that feel just out of reach. It’s something they usually avoid talking about.

“This whole day has been weird,” Freddy points out, “and I doubt that will change anytime soon. Look.”

They’ve managed to (finally) find a clear path leading to the final door before the sinkhole. The sight gives Gregory chills. He hasn’t forgotten what he and Freddy faced the last time they went down there. They were lucky to make it out alive! And now there’s another, possibly even bigger threat lurking below their feet.

“It’s not too late to turn back,” Vanessa says, gripping the door’s rusty old handle. None of them have fond memories of what lies beyond this door.

“We have to do this,” Gregory replies before he can talk himself out of it, “For Cassie.”

“For Cassie!” Freddy agrees (despite never having met Gregory’s friend). And so they begin their descent down, down into the abyss.

///////

“I gotta say, those sunglasses are a great look for you!” Helpy tells Roxy, trying to distract her from the one sided staring contest she is currently having with a still unconscious Cassie.

“Yeah,” Eclipse agrees, “I know that sunglasses are usually Monty’s thing, but maybe you can add them to your act once the Pizzaplex reopens!”

“Oh. Uh. Maybe?” Roxy is glad that the oversized sunglasses cover enough of her face that Eclipse can’t see her expression. She’s pretty sure the Pizzaplex won’t be reopening anytime soon. Or ever, for that matter. She’s also pretty sure she looks ridiculous, but hey, at least when Cassie finally wakes up again, she’ll have something to laugh about. If she wakes up. It feels like it’s been forever since the little girl woke up, screamed at her, and then passed out again. Roxy edges closer to her, trying to detect any changes.

“I don’t think checking on her every five minutes is going to make her wake up any faster,” Eclipse notes. Roxy rolls her eyes. What does he know? It might help. It definitely helps Roxy feel like she has some control over the situation. She’s about to argue this point when Cassie begins to mumble hoarsely.

“The eyes… the eyes! Why are there so many eyes?”

“It’s okay, Cassie. You don’t have to look at the eyes anymore,” Roxy tells her, assuming Cassie is talking about her freshly stolen pair of eyes.

“Nonono… they’re everywhere,” Cassie replies, gazing about wildly.

Well, if she’s not talking about It’s eyes, than Roxy hasn’t a clue what’s got her so freaked out this time.

“What’s wrong with her? There’s not even that many eyes,” Roxy says, turning to Eclipse in confusion.

“I don’t think she’s fully awake yet,” the daycare attendant tells her.

Oh. That does make more sense than any alternatives Roxy can come up with. But still. Creepy.

“They’re watching… always watching…” Cassie whispers, somehow clutching Roxy’s arm. Roxy is careful not to move for fear of hurting her. The little girl whimpers and mumbles something about nowhere being safe.

“That does it. As soon as this is over, we’re dumping whatever is left of your stash in the toilet,” Roxy announces, growing increasingly concerned about Cassie’s wellbeing.

“Hey Freddy… where’d your head go, anyway? You’re kinda freaking me out,” Cassie asks before Eclipse can protest.

“Aww but this is just getting good,” Helpy complains as Cassie continues to ramble about Freddy’s appearance. “Next time you guys drug someone, we should make sure we have a camera ready!” Both Roxy and Eclipse glare at him, but he can’t quite bring himself to care.

“Cassie, can you hear me?” Roxy asks, gently nudging Cassie. Cassie groans.

“No, I couldn’t possibly eat another slice of cake, Mom.”

Roxy considers shaking her harder, but decides that probably won’t do much of anything.

“Okay. We’ll save the rest of the cake for later,” she tells her, not sure what else to say.

“Mom… Mommy… Momther?” Cassie says.

“Yes?” Roxy says awkwardly (she is SO not ready to be a parent). How is one supposed to interact with a child who is clearly high on… something? Cassie’s real parents will be worried sick when they realize she’s missing (if they haven’t already).

“I don’t feel so good…” Cassie complains, finally letting go of Roxy to clutch her stomach. Thinking quickly, Eclipse just barely manages to grab an old cleaning bucket and shove it at her in time for her to start puking.

[aromantic-diaries]

Hey, sorry to bother you but I feel like i might be on the aro/ace spec and I wanted to share my experiences and see if you or maybe other aro/ace spec people have had a similar experience and can help me find a label for myself.

So, ever since I was really little (around 5 years old) I always thought that I HAD to feel romantic feelings and that I HAD to get a partner of the opposite sex because I would see people being romantic to the opposite sex in public and a few kids shows had 2 character of the opposite sex who were romantic with eachother and stuff like that so I thought that if I didn't have a partner or atleast feel the attraction that i would be a failure to society (I was a weird kid with an intresting way if thinking). Because i didn't want to be a failure to society ,in kindergarten up until grade 1 I would try and feel romantic feelings and try to get attention from my "crushes" which I'll just call my victims bc I didn't really like them( I think I was just attention seeking. )Once I got to grade 1 I started to realize that I didn't NEED to get a boyfriend or something so I stopped. I was a really confusing little kid, constantly wanting attention from my victims but never feeling attraction and when they DID show/express their attraction to me I would get mad and break their heart.

Eventually I found out that gay people existed (bc I had no idea that was even possible) and I was like: ":0 that's so intresting" but I didn't think much of it until I felt like I could've been one and I currently think that I have a "crush" on a friend of mine of the same sex. Even though I have always on the outside expressed how weird I think romantic and sexual attraction is, I can't help but still want to feel those feeling even though I don't feel them. I have been able to force myself to feel romantic feelings (I think the feeling that I once felt for a victim was romantic but Idk. I heard that people feel "butterflies in their stomach" which i assumed was similar to the feeling of being on a rollercoaster while your face was warm so I was able to make myself feel that I guess.) And it felt good but I felt like I was lying to myself or something. I don't feel that feeling with the friend that I have a "crush" on but I've been able to force myself to feel it a little sometimes.

I'm so confused and I wanted to know if you or other aro/ace people have had similar experiences (of trying to force yourself to feel romantic or sexual feelings even if you are somewhat repulsed by it or think that it's weird) and I want to know if their is a certain label for this so that I can feel less confused (and so that my friends and family can feel less confused bc I try to tell them how I feel and they say that I'm weird and make no sense)

Sorry if this was too long or made no sense. I'm not good at summarizing and I consider myself a very confusing person (also sorry for bad punctuation and Grammer ;-;) anyways, whether you respond to this or not I hope you have a good day/night.

Hi! Choosing people to have a crush on is a pretty common experience for aros, I only did it once but when it happened I remember I just randomly decided that I should have a crush on someone so I looked around and picked someone. It's sort of a "this is what everyone else is doing so this is how I fit in, right?" thing for most people. Cause yeah it's kind of expected from everyone

As for forcing those feelings, I think I sort of know what you mean, if I think about it hard enough I can kind of placebo myself into feeling that sensation of having butterflies in my stomach and I have convinced myself that I felt romantic attraction before even though it wasn't real or genuine and was more of an imitation of it. I don't know if there's a specific label for it but I'm pretty sure I've experienced it before and there's probably other aros in the same boat, so you're not alone with this.

[versegm]

OH FUCK I meant to send you a Director's Commentary thing when you reblogged it BUT I FORGOT anyway how about the deets on "And the Audience Clapped"? (If you're still in the mood)

For you? Always <3

The actual fic has a trigger warning for uh. Everything? The base premise of the fic is "Guda has incredibly disturbing intrusive thoughts and does not react well to them" so even if I don't think I'll get into details in my play by play, tw for thoughts of sexual violence, onscreen self-harm and suicide attempts, and overall blorbo from my show spiralling bad.

My primarily goal when writing this was "I want to see how fucking worse I can make Guda." But I'm a weenie I actually like bad endings so my secondary goal was "but I want it to end well."

I have absolutely no idea if I succeeded. I feel like I chickened out too much tbh (<- squicked out by sexual violence) and as for the ending I'm often told that what I qualify as a "good/okay ending" is often "fucking horrifying" to other people. Still I like the final result so that's everyone else's problem. This was however a nightmare to tag which is why I just went the "choose not to use archive warnings/fuck around and find out" route, because if I tagged everything it would be WAY too long.

Anyways. "What if the player was an outer god." I post about it a lot in a comedic tone over here. I wrote it as self indulgent porn somewhere else. But I really wanted to take it in a more... realistic? Direction I guess? What if things weren't automatically fine and ok because the story demanded it. What if it was in fact an incredibly distressing situation to be in. I don't like writing monsters are villains (not my vibe) but that does not mean the monster loving you & having good intentions should always be an instant smooth sailing. Which really means that Guda will be stuck in intrusive thoughts central for nearly 6k.

Now for a more specific play by play of the fic:

The problem with writing the POV character being possessed is that it is incredibly hard to showcase when "this is something normal from the character" vs "this is someone else speaking through the character" (doubly so when the character themself does not realize the possession is happening) So I was at times less than subtle about it. In case it wasn't clear, this is the player being worried about Guda, and Guda misinterpreting the feeling because "this is someone else's thought" is not typically the first conclusion people would draw. Anytime in the fic where you see Guda having conflicting emotions, or being confused about their own feelings, that was a case of player feelings interfering with their owns.

Outer gods are basically eldritch gods in Fate lore. As such I don't think they really have like. A body the way humans consider it. That's why the fics have various instances of weird fascination towards flesh and how it functions. From the perspective of a god, it'd be like suddenly figuring out how an ancient watch works.

When you're being possessed by someone who is 1) incredibly not fucking normal about your bestie and 2) does not know the difference between intimacy love and violence. Bottom text.

Also a lot of people initially assumed that I picked Castoria in this specific scenario because I, too, am not normal about her. And I mean. That is partially true (tho not to that extent lmao) but also Castoria IS canonically one of the closest people to Guda (& the most likely to realize that something is wrong.) It's not just "I'm having horrible thoughts about some random aquaintances" it's "I love this person with all my heart and I want to give them the world, but I can't even give myself to them because my existence is poison." So double the agony.

This was inspired by one specific scene from Mairimashita!Iruma-Kun, available on mangadex and probably crunchyroll please for the love of god read that manga it fucks SO hard.

When you're an Outer God with only a very vague knowledge of humans and what they look like so instead of focusing on eye color or haircuts you're just fascinated by the fact that this lil one has thirty-two teeth. Bottom text.

This whole section is meant to be "all the times Guda died before the player rebooted the games," so I picked all the hardest boss fights I could think of. There's someone in the comments who asked me months ago if they should pick up a guide for the Cernunnos fight because I brought it up like five times in that paragraph alone. My guy if you are following my blog, yes, you should. You really fucking should.

Also I use second person a lot when writing Guda fic because it's easier (they/them can be confusing when you're writing multiple characters in one setting) but ofc for this fic this also gave me the opportunity to write some moments where the player is directly talking to Guda (or at Guda, rather.)

I wanted to show that while the player was at their most Not Normal about Castoria, they do love everyone in Chaldea, which is why Guda is being more affectionate than usual here.

I'm just really proud of "You imagine lapping at her open wounds, lapping at her wet cunt." Intimacy and violence but also holes and fluids you know how it is.

My bitch Guda who wouldn't wish to bother others & show any weakness if they had a gun to their head.

Christ I can't summarize MHXX's lore concisely, but she is repeatedly compared to a character from a sitcom, hence why her first comparison is to tv shows.

This is meant to be a call-back to that bit earlier where they wonder how hard they'd have to bite to make Castoria bleed.

To lb6 players out there: I was thinking of Gareth writing this line.

I don't remember if I told you, but Castoria has Fairy Eyes, ie is capable of perceiving lies (tho the exact mechanics are unclear.) That's why Guda is being extra stubborn. They can't deny that they're fine because she'll know it's false, so they're trying to dodge the entire conversation.

My bitch Guda who is taking the entire situation soooo well (casually deshumanize themself & considers being dead in the same sentence)

[Castoria voice] why don't you get into bdsm and then maybe you'll feel better.

Anyways, that was blorbo from my game having the worst life of their life! I think I could have done worse, and will endeavor to do so soon. Still damn proud of it tho!

[wikiangela-fanfics]

Fictober22 - 29. You love this, don't you?

Fandom: 911

Ship: Buck/Eddie

Summary: Clipboard Buck makes a reappearance, and Eddie's forced to confront his feelings.

Ao3

Words: 1307

Edit: now there's part two lol

***

“Okay, who gave Buck a clipboard again?” Chimney complained, as he walked up the stairs. “Haven’t we learned anything?”

“He’s just doing inventory.” Eddie shrugged, fighting hard to hide a smile. He understood why everyone got annoyed with Buck’s bossiness when he got his hands on a clipboard, but honestly, Eddie didn’t mind. He almost enjoyed it, though he didn’t want to admit that even to himself.

“He’s insufferable.” Chim flopped down onto the couch. He gave Eddie a look, and smirked. “But I bet you love this, don’t you?”

“What?” he asked in a weird tone, feeling his face heat up. Oh no. He could hide a smile, but not a blush.

“Oh, yeah, you do.” Chimney laughed. “You’re loving this, Diaz. Wow.” he shook his head. “Honestly, no idea why I’m even surprised, you love everything he does, even if he’s being a pain.”

“What are you even talking about?” Eddie frowned, looking away. He knew his face was betraying him, but he could pretend he had no idea what Chimney was saying. Truth be told, he did like it when Buck was being all bossy and controlling. Was it weird that he liked that? He knew everyone else hated it. But it made him… feel things. That he wasn’t sure he was ready to name just yet. His body usually reacted to Buck, whatever he was doing, but his brain did not want to focus on that at the moment.

Before Chim could respond, most likely continuing to make fun of Eddie, Hen came up to join them, also complaining: “I swear I’m going to strangle him. Who’s responsible for that this time?”

“Come on, he’s not that bad.” Eddie said before he could stop himself. Chim and Hen looked at him, Hen disbelieving, Chim smug. Then, they looked at each other, exchanging knowing glances.

“Told ya.” Chimney grinned. Hen rolled her eyes and took a seat beside him.

“Told you what?” Eddie was confused. Or, tried to act confused. “What’s happening?”

“Hate to break it to you, but someone has to. It’s been too long, you guys are too oblivious.” he responded, while Hen just sighed and shook her head, muttering something about it being ‘their business’ and not interfering. Chimney looked Eddie in the eyes. “You’re into Buck. And he’s into you.”

“What?!” Eddie’s voice got a bit high, so he cleared his throat. There was no way- why did Chimney think that? Did they all think that? There was no way they knew. He was trying to hide it even from himself for the longest time, so how did they figure it out? “That’s crazy.”

“Is it, though? You’re clearly even into all that clipboard insanity.” he was smirking, and Eddie’s face was burning, and he needed to get out of there.

“I think you’re seeing things that aren’t there, Chim.” he responded, trying to sound calm and amused. He got up. “I’m just gonna go- yeah.” he shut up when the only thing he wanted to say was that he was going to go check on Buck. Chim knew what he was gonna say anyway, if the look he gave Eddie was any indication.

Eddie went down to where Buck was doing inventory with a probie, who looked very annoyed and tired, but as Eddie looked at Buck, all authoritative and confident, he felt hot in a very different way than the embarrassment before. Buck always made him feel some type of way, and clipboard Buck? Well, that was a whole other level. Usually, though, he tried to bury those feelings so deep he’d be able to forget they ever existed. Chimney’s comment unlocked something, though, and made it impossible to ignore.

“Eddie!” Buck finally noticed him just staring. “You’re gonna just stand there or are you gonna help? Come on, get to work, see what I’m working with here?” his tone of voice was so commanding, and Eddie felt like he’d do anything Buck told him to at that moment. He wanted Buck to tell him what to do, in various scenarios that flooded his head suddenly, and it was in no way appropriate to think at work. What the fuck was happening right now, all those things were very well repressed, at least until it was the middle of the night and he could pine and long for his best friend in peace. He didn’t want to revisit them now.

“Yeah, okay.” he responded, taking over from the probie. He had no problem doing whatever Buck said, including saying the obligatory ‘check’ every time. He couldn’t help a fond smile on his face, he was kind of amused, kind of endeared, kind of… well, aroused – he had to be honest with himself here, there was no denying it. It never used to be a problem at work, though. God.

Once they were finished, and Buck checked off the last item on the list, he noticed Eddie staring at him again. And Eddie wasn’t sure what his face was even doing, but if a fraction of the way he felt was visible on his face… well. Plus, Buck was always good at reading him. He smiled sheepishly. “What?”

“It suits you.” Eddie said, nodding at the clipboard.

“Really?” Buck chuckled. “I thought everyone hates when I have it.”

“Yeah, you can be a pain.” Eddie grinned. “It’s cute, though.” he shrugged, knowing that he was red in the face now. He wanted to say ‘hot’ too, but that felt like a lot for now. He wasn’t sure what possessed him to start talking about it, but suddenly he kind of wanted to push it a bit, move this thing between them a bit further. He spent too much time trying not to think about how he was in love with his best friend, and how fucking attracted to him he was. At the moment, it was stronger than him, he couldn’t really control what was coming out of his mouth. Buck had that effect sometimes.

“Are you calling me cute, Diaz?” Buck raised his eyebrows, a surprised smile on his lips.

“So what if I am?” he tilted his head and bit his lip, waiting for Buck’s response. For a second he seemed taken aback, not sure what to say, while his cheeks got a bit pink. Okay, that was good. Right? 

“Well-” Buck stepped closer, his voice low, so that everyone around wouldn’t hear. There was a smile on his face. “I’d say let’s meet up after work and talk about it.” he licked his lips, and Eddie couldn’t drag his eyes away. He wanted to taste them so bad. Fuck, he used to be better at blocking those feelings until later.

“Yeah.” he breathed. Honestly, at the moment, the last thing he wanted to do was talk. Unfortunately, they were still at work. “Okay.”

“By the way,” Buck smirked, voice even quieter. “I think you’re cute, too.”

“You wanna know something else?” Eddie asked, suddenly emboldened, coming even closer to all but whisper into Buck’s ear. “You’re kinda hot, too. Especially with that clipboard.” he took a step back and enjoyed the dazed and surprised expression on Buck’s face. Eddie briefly wondered what the hell he was even doing right now. Flirting at work? So unprofessional. And with his best friend, too. If he could think clearly, he’d never have said anything like that. Then again, maybe it was the push they needed…

Before he could say or think anything more, the bell rang, and he immediately switched into firefighter mode, as if at the snap of a finger – he still could be a professional, after all. This whole thing with Buck would wait. Now he at least knew there really was something there. He was really looking forward to seeing Buck later, outside of the firehouse.

[nkatr84]

Barbie (2023)

As I’m writing this, I just saw the Barbie movie. Directed by Greta Gerwig, I knew this movie was going to have a feminist edge because of who directed it. And with each interview and press tour stop I got more and more excited for the movie. (The fashion! Ahh!) And then people were starting to say they sobbed and laughed so hard. I was pumped. I dressed in pink (after a futile effort to sew a dress for the movie, couldn’t get it right). I was ready.

So imagine my confusion when I didn’t laugh and sob so hard. And I’m prone to getting teary eyed at movies. I teared up at the last scene of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. Like it wasn’t not funny. The Narrator calling out casting Margot Robbie as a Barbie saying she’s ugly was my favorite joke. Ken was the most adorable himbo ever. Weird Barbie is my spirit animal. Yet I didn’t get that emotional. The movie definitely made me think. But I’m trying to figure out why I didn’t get emotional.

It’s definitely not because of the message. Barbie being introduced to feminism as a coming of age story and concluding that to just exist as a human is enough. That you don’t have to be perfect or extraordinary to justify your existence. That’s a great message that I really relate with.

Of course with every movie about feminism people are going to point out the hypocrisy of corporate feminism and how Mattel especially is guilty of this since Barbie’s beginning. That it’s okay to buy this piece of plastic and all her friends and accessories because she’s a feminist icon! She teaches girls they can do anything! They just have to buy stuff to do it!

I watched a video essay that fairly pointed out that Mattel is aware of the poor working conditions of their factories overseas. Mostly filled with female workers. And they typically only give like less than 1% of their profits to enrich the lives of girls. But what I find interesting is I think Mattel has gaslit themselves into thinking that if they throw a little money at the problem, it’ll eventually go away.

And the Barbie movie addresses this! Not only do they allow Greta Gerwig to make fun of their corporation, (including their founder) the Barbies in Barbieland genuinely believe they saved our world and that our lives are just as great as theirs in the beginning. And after returning to Barbieland, Stereotypical Barbie (as she’s called) gets really frustrated and just throws a tantrum falling into depression and resolving to wait until someone else fixes the problem.

Of course the Men Children of the world have complained that the movie is anti-Men with Ken’s story arc which sees him become the antagonist and bring Patriarchy into Barbieland. But it’s only pointing out that the patriarchy hurts men too. Because every girl remembers when boys stopped being nice and started acting like jerks because society tells them that this is how men act. And the Kens in the movie very much act like little boys. Which is why I didn’t mind that Barbie apologized to Ken for hurting him when he did so much more to hurt her. Because at the end of the movie Barbie is growing up but Ken is just beginning his journey. When he grows as a person and figures out who he is, he probably will apologize for hurting Barbie.

Some people complain that the message is too on the nose but only scratches the surface of feminism. But this movie is about Barbie learning about feminism and how it affects her as she grows as a person. That’s intentional. The message has to be spelled out because this is a new concept for Barbie and for some people (young girls and men) watching the movie. Feminism isn’t black and white like the young daughter Sasha thinks it is in the movie. Mostly because of the influence of capitalism as previously discussed. So this movie has to serve as an introduction to feminism while not getting into all the nuances. And it’s so ironic that a movie with a monologue about how hard it is to be a woman because we’re expected to be everything is being criticized for not being feminist enough while being too feminist?

So, clearly I loved the ideas this movie has. Yet I didn’t get emotional. There are moments that should have got me. Barbie people watching and calling an old woman beautiful. Barbie meeting the ghost of her creator Ruth Handler. (BTW, I was shocked Mattel let them mention Handler’s tax evasion issues not once but twice!) Her creator telling her that she can’t give her permission to become human, she can only warn her what comes with it. The big speech Gloria gives. I resonated with them. I loved these scenes. But they didn’t heal my inner child like it did for others. But why?

Was it because I wasn’t that into Barbie as a kid? I was to a point because I played with Barbies. I remember playing with Barbies I saw in the movie. I watched the Barbie birthday party VHS over and over. I just didn’t have every single one.

Was it because I went with my parents who was just kinda neutral on the movie? Maybe. I would have thought my mom would say something about the mother daughter line. Or my Dad would comment about being a man raising girls. Instead they just thought it was okay.

I guess if anything I feel like Barbie does at the end of the movie. She doesn’t know what to feel either. And the movie says that is okay. That you can take time to figure it out. And that’s Kenough for me.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a fanfic about Ken finding out he likes likes Weird Barbie. Because yes I totally ship them dammit…

[infiniteorbits]

despite; in spite

my throat hurts and i don't think it'll ever stop.

i throw a few more socks in my sisters laundry pile. i don’t know which ones are mine, yet i keep taking and taking hers. i’ll give her a few more just in case, and maybe she’ll be okay.

i think about how i could die tonight how i could really do it and kill myself and my families last memory of me would be yelling at me for not putting away the laundry. ‘was that what set her off? what was going on her in mind? were there signs i didn’t see?’ i don’t think i’m gonna do it, but i don’t really have a reason why.

i search for a roommate on instagram. they all feel too weird or too cool or too abstract to even think about as a real person. i wonder if i’ll even be friends with these people next year, if these little conversations will one day be linked to faces in my life. faces that mean something

i watch blade runner and think about how i told someone i had seen the movie and really hadnt. i posted about that on my private story. a girl too cool to be my friend swipes up and laughs

whenever i swallow or breath in a certain way i can still taste the sick on my tongue.

its been two weeks since i thought i was going to die, two weeks since i sucked a random man’s dick and didn’t really cry, its been a few days since i swiped up on his story and hoped he’d decide to like me again. a few days since i decided i really had to move on. one day since i sent a text ending a hookup to which he called me by my last name like one of the coaches does at my school. he called me a “cool person.” i don’t know what that means. he responded in 2 minutes after i hadn’t responded for a day. i don’t know what that means either.

i haven’t had my period since november. i haven’t looked skinny since freshman year. i wear eyeliner and mascara so often that the gunk from my eyes has turned black. i think about people who don’t exist and people i will never meet doing things that don’t affect me too much. i don’t know if anyone will ever really find me pretty, or only think i’m pretty because they love me. i don’t know whether the last part is a good thing or a bad thing. does it count if its just because they love me? if they have worked all the way up to love for me, they can call me whatever they want. if they love me and i somehow believe them, i think i’ll believe everything else they say about me too. i hope its just good things.

i don’t know if i could ever do having my heart broken. i met a guy once and we truly only had one good date, the others were just hookups but he made me feel so real, so teenager. he held me and let me look at the stars, he tucked my hair behind my ear and almost held my hand when we were kissing. as i was sitting on his lap, straddling him, my bra off, he said i intimidated him the first time we hung out. i sobbed over him and made playlists and wrote about him and regained and lost my self worth. i had to learn the hard way that people can do things that are so sweet and nice and not mean it. i’d like to still believe he did. i think i could be fine now. i don’t know how i could live if i lost the real thing. i dont know how someone can love someone so much then be nothing to them at all. i wish i wasn’t nothing to you. i wish i wasn’t nothing to the people i love.

im writing this on my bed. i’m writing this on my toilet. i’m writing this at 1 am. i’m writing this as a senior. i’m writing this as a child. i thought about how you spend your whole life growing and then one day you just stop. i wonder if you feel it. i wonder what its like when the change is the stop.

i wonder if my friends notice when i cut them off. if they talked about how they were all removed from the private parts of my life. i wonder if they were glad or confused or whether they cared at all. V seems to hate me. i miss when he cared about me. i liked being his wingwoman and having a secret little mission just for the two of us. i wish he liked me enough that we could talk about how they’re together now and he’d half jokingly thank me. i wish i could say it was an honor to be help him and make a little joke. i wish it wasn’t weird to tell people how much they mean to you even if they aren’t really a part of your life. i liked our little conversations, i liked when we locked eyes in class whenever someone said something stupid, though i could never really tell if you meant to be looking at me because i don’t know why’d you do that, i’m sorry if i came off as condescending and thought i was better or smarter than you. i don’t think that. i hope i can find more people like you in the world if you can’t stick around.

despite it all, i still have hope. i have hope that the people i once loved will come back again. i have hope that it’ll all be okay. it’s dumb and irrational to think they’ll come back, and i know this hope only hurts me. but i hope. i hope that this hope is real, that i will look back and know that my hopes were right and good and led me to goodness. i hope that if i cannot have you in my life, that i can find the good parts of you in the people who are. i hope the people who come into my life remind me of you and who we once were. i hope you hope for me too.

[here2bbtstrash]

hey there<3 i'm sending this as an anonymous because there will be a lot of expressing emotions in here which i'm not used to doing.. so it's gonna be weird to me if i reread it again after you post it..🫶🏼

ahhh i don't know where to start honestly.. i've installed this app without knowing what's ahead of me.. especially getting to know new people, it was an unexpected thing. i thought i would be a silent reader, i've always been one.

the reason why i even installed tumblr is because i wanted to follow mimi - you probably know her. i had no idea how to use this app nor how this broken site works😭 but i never knew i would be so lucky💜

one day, i opened the app, and one of your works (a popular hobi fiction 👀) was at the top of the page. it had like 3k notes i guess? so i decided to read it and it was truly amazing<3 and that's where the journey began!!

and then i commented on one of your posts and then you were like: 'welcome', something like that. i mean you did welcome me and it was so nice of you!? that's when i knew that you're a very sweet person!<3 you gave a very good first impression 😏😊

i went ahead and took a look at your blog, everything about it. and when i knew that you identify yourself as queer, i smiled so hard😭 i mean i am straight, but something about queers hits different, i really genuinely love them. (and no please don't think i'm creepy 👀)

anyways, and that's when i decided to start reading your fictions!! i read 90% of them and if i started to talk about how good your writing is it would take hours to just describe the beauty of it. so let's just say it's perfect<3

your style of writing brings comfort to me, even if it's just porn. i really don't care if it's angsty, fluffy, smutty,... it just comforts me in a way that can't be described, at least by me because i suck at these things :')

you're the type of person who i wish i could meet one day<3 i didn't only read your fictions, i saw when you felt tired, unmotivated, sad, even confused in some asks and i wished i could hug you and make you smile. because i once was sad and you were there for me. i vented, and you listened.. you even said things to me that i will never ever forget in my whole life. i still look at them in my screenshots whenever i feel down and that one reason can truly show why i love you so much 💜

i still remember when you started the process of writing TSOYB, and then at some point you thought it was shit ☹️ but then it was drop day and i got to read a magnificently written fiction and it was obvious how much you had worked for it to turn out this way!! i was so proud of you (and i still am!💜) because you didn't fucking give up even when you felt it was trash. you trusted the process and i learnt a lesson from you. because i'm a perfectionist, so if i don't do something correctly at the first time, i start to think i'm literally useless and all of the overthinking shit starts again blah blah. so now whenever i even think to overthink 😭 i remember someone like you exists💜 i remember your words. you helped me em💜

ah i don't know what else to say.. there's still like too many emotions i wanna express but i just don't know how to do that.

god i just love you with all my heart, you don't even have an idea about my gratefulness towards you. and to god who gave me a chance to know such a wonderful person!!💜💜

like namjoon once said: "i wish there was a better word than 'love'. i really truly love you. please know that."

(and please please if there was any type of weirdness in this i'm so sorry it's 2:48! am!)

omg anon 🥺 this is so overwhelmingly sweet i don't even know how to respond!!!! i'm gonna stick it under a cut so this isn't a million years long hahaha 💜

i'm so glad you managed to find me - bless party on you for blowing up lmao 🙏 and glad you felt welcomed!! the more people that follow the harder it gets for me to keep up with everyone personally, but i do really try to make sure everyone feels welcome here 🥺 (except bigots 👹) - it's important to me to curate a safe chill space where we can all just read porn and have fun lmao!

LOL NOT QUEERS HIT DIFFERENT that's so fucking funny akhglksjrgsjfkg can confirm we do 😌

gahhhhh you're so kind about my writing thank you thank you 🫠 i think this is probably my favorite compliment to get, that people feel comforted by my work. it's brought me a lot of comfort to write and to establish this little blog, so the fact that i can share that with others is truly priceless!!

and omg 🥺 you got to see the process work in real-time!! that's so wild. i really do think i hit a bottom on pretty much every fic i write (sometimes i'm more vocal about it on tumblr, sometimes less) where i just feel like ugh, this sucks, it's never gonna be good, i should give up. and part of the writing process is just pushing through that - which is really hard for me because i am also a perfectionist!! but you're so right. sometimes you just have to trust the process and do whatever it is anyway, even when every word feels like a struggle!

this was such a sweet note to receive 😭 i'm sorry it took me so long to respond!! but i didn't want to half-ass a reply either since you took the time to share your thoughts and be so vulnerable. that really means the world to me! i love you a lot and i hope you're having a wonderful new year so far 💜 and i'm always here if you need me!!

[comfy-mlms]

i fear vulnerability and genuity, speaking or acting or wanting freely and at first it came from a fear of ridicule because being hurt in response to something personal or uncertain is very difficult to come back from but logically i can understand that ridicule is not what i will be met with

instead i fear hesitance or confusion or some other sign of othering or that what i want or what i am is weird or other or offputting so being met with something that isnt reassurance or even just a disagreement ends with me closing myself off even more and becoming scared again and i think it is because i find the idea of being a little too much or awkward or making people uncomfortable a lot scarier and a lot worse than facing outright hatred

its the slight and the almost that makes me feel like im doing something wrong just by trying to exist or express feelings in a way that make sense to me or would be desirable to me personally and its very difficult to forge a sort of comfortability with someone to even begin to broach some of the pieces i keep locked away when im already so very physically isolated

and though ive been able to reach this sort of relationship with someone in the past it was through mutual vulnerability and a sort of work up to these kinds of conversations and being able to move deeper at our own paces in specific circumstance. that was the goal, it was less spontaneous and more purposeful. a "lets go back and forth to learn more about each other and keep digging deeper and see what we end up talking about be it anything". which i do enjoy doing but its so very difficult to initiate these sorts of conversations without feeling like its being forced, and for me its hard to bring up for being pushy or weird or perhaps the act of asking in the first place is already stepping too far which leads back to that reaction of being mildly put off which is enough to make me shut anything further down

i desire a closeness without constant second guessing and an understanding or an openness to understanding without anxiety and ive come to realize that i dont have that anymore and i am incapable of beginning to build it myself because i cannot be vulnerable without reciprocation or assurance of reciprocation because in that is safety and without it i am 5 again in my kindergarten class on the first day in the first minutes being ridiculed for not speaking correctly in a way that everybody else had for some reason already known

i realize i was taught not to seek help for my emotions in sadness or fear or anxiety and in order to avoid further embarrassment at the hands of others i would conceal these further as to not draw attention to myself. going further i adopted the personality of being easy going and taking the short stick for myself at every single opportunity that would prevent itself in order to be more desirable to other people but also so that other people would feel comfortable enough to come to me should they need anything. if i am able to water myself down to the point where i exist to only serve others then in that is born a sort of defense where i cannot mess up and i cannot be made a fool of and though the mask i built up worked it was miserable. and i still use it constantly because if i make a mistake the self doubt comes back and the anxiety and embarrassment and so ive become incredibly good at covering my own ass so to speak and making sure i never put myself unknowingly into a vulnerable position because its happened so many times in the past which was very hurtful

hyper vigilance isnt how you make connections with people or how you grow closer to the people you want to grow closer with but ive been conditioned both by myself and by others to have the mere act of vulnerability feel viscerally wrong like im making a mistake and should be ashamed even if its simply being honest to myself in my own head with no repercussions or consequences other than i have to allow myself to focus on myself and my feelings or desires in a way that is actually substantial

even now this had to be palatable to an audience and it has to be construed in such a way that i cannot be hurt by it as i have already separated it from my true self or stream of consciousness and instead write in a messy way similar to how i write rough drafts of projects i take on for fun. this is not the way i would normally speak and everything has to be filtered before it is solidified. this is why so often i find myself struggling but am unable to voice why and am unable to reach out for help as i am so out of practice i cant even figure out where to begin making sense of myself enough to even begin trying to convey it to another person. and its not like ive ever paid enough attention to myself to figure out what it is that i want or would benefit from in the few times i do manage to reach out to someone else when in distress so regardless it becomes a fruitless effort and i end up feeling worse than before

and now i am going to apologise for actually posting this because in my head it is selfish and unwanted and much smarter to actually tuck it away somewhere that nobody else will ever see it but im tired of being smart and i am able to allow myself this small amount of vulnerability and since this is all i am often able to manage i think i will let myself have it for now

[faithfromanewperspective]

something I’ve recently realised and am only now learning to put words is that I need all this emotional intimacy for one of the reasons my brain is how it is: the whole being known, the whole connecting over shared experiences, the whole feeling like I’m part of something emotional intimacy preferably with people I’m in the same room as more often than not. I wonder if it’s because I need to see my own emotions on someone else to be sure that I exist, because it’s a form of co-regulation I’ve adapted to, because it shows something about who God is or something else—it doesn’t matter, but what matters is I need it to be able to do things like sleep without significant help and to process my emotions and be productive and creative and also to feel any sort of sexual or romantic attraction.

somewhere along the line, someone convinced me that the church is meant to provide these things. It was well intentioned and might have been indistinguishable from the call to said church to actually go about starting to do these things—but the thing is it’s all well and good in theory but while I’m not getting my needs met I can’t just sit around and wait, I tried that and my whole life got put on hold and I’m still learning how to get up and realise I can seize the day or whatever when there’s been this empty hollow inside of me for as long as I can remember. I also can’t be the one to build the kind of thing I want for myself: I’ve tried that to, overworking myself to volunteer just in order to get scraps of the connection I longed for. Had me burnt out and self destructive and very much certain that if I stepped away from the very things that were destroying me I’d have to go without even worse than I already was and I would die.

there comes a point where you just have to have radical acceptance. something so good in theory that white scholars who don’t realise what it’s like to go without something they need so badly have decided it should be and therefore we should act like the intention is enough. It’s not. you don’t get fit by intending to go to the gym and you don’t ask your partner out by intending to have that conversation and you don’t fix world hunger by intending to but then doing nothing about it. and it’s true people do nothing about it, because they’re steeped in a culture that values individualism and thinks you can only have intimacy with someone when you’re also having sex.

it’s a culture that’s deeply oppressive to aspec people. I’ve said so before. and I think what drew me in to the church on this particular broken promise was that it called out those things. seemed to get it. and in the end was no better than anyone else except for stigmatising things like sleeping in the same bed with someone you’re not married to until it became a weird thing to ask for, something that would likely involve romantic feelings coming up just because everyone is so starved for intimacy. we don’t know how to have it, don’t know how to be vulnerable, for the most part don’t even realise it’s a problem and I can point to exactly why.

most people don’t have it impact them as directly and as front and centre in their lives as I do, when I don’t know how to go on a second date because of it, and I can’t just sit there and ignore it, ignore how it’s taking us away from being able to love each other and even love God as a result if that’s something we’d like to pursue. shallow hearts for shallow minds or whatever (that ache to be alive but don’t know it, it’s been a while since I’ve quoted 5sos on main). but that’s the thing. someone else should’ve realised too and be feeling the impacts of it. there’s probably someone. and they’re scared and confused to speak up just like I am.

and no wonder, when it’s so hard to explain exactly why it hurt so much when we went through the exact same thing as everyone else, everyone inexplicably thriving in it or at least, not being so actively hurt by the culture we’re in every day. my body goes into fight or flight mode when it’s around another human, when all I’ve longed for is this connection but I can’t have intimacy when people simply invalidate my need for it just because they don’t have the same needs. when it’s hard to explain to a date that maybe I’ll be attracted to them someday but I need them to help me change the world first and I’m so lonely and my body wants to be horny but it just can’t. not without the necessary steps beforehand I’ve almost given up hope on.

this sounds like a pretty hopeless rant but I’ve got some semblance of a plan, which I came up while writing this like I always do—I figure I’m going to be homeless, church wise, and single until I find it but I’ve gotta go find people who feel like me, I’ve got no other viable choice. I need to have relationships with community and I need intimacy of some kind and in order for that to happen I need this part of myself to be seen, not be something too stigmatised to ever talk about. I can take that risk, socially, it’s well within something I’m capable of. and it’s going to be confusing at first: the way my sexuality is hinging on something so much bigger than I am, but a date is as good a time as any to bring it up, considering I’m a dexisexuality explained on first date kinda person anyway. and the right people will get it. I’m going to find them.

[cerisahh]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

SYNOPSIS ꒱ daniel’s girlfriend since middle school gets invited to his family's thanksgiving.

REQUEST ꒱ if you don't mind, can i ask for a little daniel x fem reader until you figure out that menace? reader is daniel's friend since middle school, and also becomes his partner and goes to the first thanksgiving with him. reader should be described as super cute ( •̀∀•́ )✧ just his family' reaction and mama park's as well, especially mama park's (i love her so much, the best ever) - 🐇

NOTE ꒱ hello 🐇 anon! thank you for your patience! i hope you enjoy ♡

A QUESTION FOR THE PEOPLE ꒱ would you guys prefer me to use the english or korean version of everyone’s names? i used daniel instead of hyung-seok in this post but i’d like to know what people generally prefer. if you fancy requesting, just use whichever version you would like me to keep to!

• you’re surprised when daniel invites you to his family’s annual thanksgiving dinner.

• it’s not that you don’t want to go - you’re just surprised. you hadn’t even met his mother yet, let alone the rest of his extended family.

• his father’s family, he tells you, he barely sees them - and doesn’t want to - but his mother is insisting, and even extended an invite to you.

• she knows of your existence, daniel doesn’t shut up about you when at home. everytime she had tried to get daniel to invite you back home, you always had prior commitments and engagements.

• all fabricated by daniel of course. truth is, he’s embarrassed of his mother, and he hates himself for it. she works so hard to provide for him and he’s embarrassed by it? he really thinks he’s an awful person.

• he knows you wouldn’t judge him, or her. you’re too kind for your own good. he just gets in his own head and worries too much.

• you had asked daniel out in your last year of middle school. you had both been friends for two years prior, despite that, daniel was sure you were just teasing him like everyone else. was your friendship fabricated just for this cruel joke?

• it was no secret to anyone, even yourself, that you were one of the most, if not the most attractive girl in school. at only fourteen the ground you walked on was practically worshipped by boys and girls alike. aunties would stop you in the street and all but squish your cheeks whilst calling you adorable, even attempting to introduce their sons or grandsons to you as potential suitors.

• so when you approach daniel park, some are upset, others are mad. everyone is confused, especially him.

• you mistake his hesitance for denial at first, you begin to take it gracefully - until he says yes.

• now a few years into your relationship, you were finally meeting his relatives. you’d had the pleasure of meeting some of the people from his new school before, but family was a whole other ordeal.

• daniel delays you meeting his mother until he can’t anymore. when you arrive at the airport, well, she can’t hide her shock. you’re very pretty. like one of those idols she would see on the covers of the magazines she collected.

• you greet daniel with a smile and a hug, then allow him to introduce you to his mother.

• oh! she thinks, as you turn to face her and quickly pull her into a warm embrace, saying that she must be an outstanding woman to have raised such a respectful son, and how excited you are to meet her at last, what a pretty girl, and so kind- hearted! ♡

• she’s really happy that daniel has someone like she had once. she knows you two will be (and are) happy together.

• when you arrive at his uncle’s house, you’re pretty much bombarded with questions. everyone is pretty much like how did this guy bag her 😭

• you guys eventually get ushered into the next room with the other cousins. sarah is thrilled that there’s another girl around her age there, she drags you away from the boys after david and dylan start acting weird around you.

• meanwhile with the male cousins… david and dylan are practically interrogating poor daniel.

• daniel is just sitting there playing cards like... yeah, she's my girlfriend...? oh yea she's gorgeous -- what do you mean did i pay her to come here??

• after a while you're feeling peckish so you and daniel go to look for the grownups to ask after food.

• when you both discover poor mama park cooking by herself you both feel so bad. and annoyed at the other adults for not helping.

• mama park tries to kick you both out of the kitchen but you convince her that you'll stay and help, as there was nothing really for you to do in the meantime.

• after dinner the children retire to the room next door once again whilst daniel's uncle is running after a pig outside.

• you spend a majority of the night answering awkward questions from dylan and david about your life and if you had any girl friends back home you could introduce them to (which was met with a strained smile until sarah shouted at them to leave you alone).

• sarah is better company. you two exchange gossip from your respective schools and raid her mother's makeup stash.

• meeting his grandmother was another experience. the lady automatically assumed you were her daughter and loudly commended you on how cute you had gotten, which you thanked her gracefully for.

• you all decide to go into the city to escape your elders, even sarah tags along once she heard that you were going (it's clear that she adores you, it's really cute)

• watching david try (and fail) to flirt with a store employee was interesting to say the least. you and sarah diverge from the group and go shopping in a higher end store, your treat! you get back to the boys just in time for the bus to take you guys home.

• since you didn't have any presents for the family when you had arrived, you'd bought some when you went out today.

• for the uncles you had bought some custom card decks. for the aunties you spied some nice dresses in a shop window (as well as massage kits). for the matriarch of the family, some of those candied nuts she enjoyed and a canvas with a printed family picture that you had taken earlier on in the day. for mama park, a beautiful matching dress and headpiece set, and a photoframe with a picture of her and daniel.

• thinking of presents for the male cousins was difficult, but you eventually decided on two personalised wallets. for sarah you bought some nail varnish similar to yours, as she had gushed over the colours the previous night.

• and for daniel ♡ (and, kinda yourself) you purchased 'his and hers' bracelets.

• it was at this point when everyone was opening their respective presents that they had offically wanted you in the family (except grandma, she was still certain you were her daughter).

• after saying your goodbyes and promising to text sarah when you land, you, mama park, and daniel finally departed from his family.

• on the plane back to seoul, daniel fell asleep, so you and mama park took the time without him conscious to chat more, about your own family, how you met daniel, your schooling, etc.

• she really likes you. she thinks you're kind and generous without being overbearing. unbeknownst to you, she's also thinking that you'd be a kind wife to daniel. i mean, why not? she thinks of you like a daughter already.

© CERISAHH 2024