#conrad x you

[probably-writing-x]

Hotter and Hotter

Summary: hi 👋🏼 I don’t know if you take any request now but I will still ask.. Can you write about the scene of the grocery when Conrad just lean on and take a sip (he was soo f hot ) and make it like more flirty and it can go like you want between Conrad x yn? thanks u ❣️

Warnings: Sexual references (Minors DNI)

Author’s Note: I’m not taking requests atm but this came through and I was inspired so maybe I am taking requests, we’ll never know xoxo

“This is the hottest it’s ever been I swear to God,” Conrad grumbles from the couch, hand resting on his chest.

“Well you try and fix the air con then, because it’s doing fucking nothing when we try,” Steven shrugs his shoulders, his head resting back against the seats of the couch from where he sat on the floor.

“You’re an engineer Steven, isn’t this like your job?” Belly points out, dragging her hair away from her face.

The air conditioning in the house had been out all morning and the temperature had been slowly rising with the sun. Now, it was stifling hot inside the house and just as bad outside too. And, clearly, the group were at their wit’s end.

“Okay, can we please stop talking about it? Like, can we talk about anything else?” You roll your eyes, your back against the couch where Conrad was laying, your head mere inches from his.

The two of you had been friends for years, ever since Belly and Steven had started coming to the summer house, you had too. The group of you were always inseparable whenever you were all in Cousins. But, before this summer, you and Conrad had realised your feelings for each other. He’d started calling you every night, texting you more and more often, and eventually the two of you spoke to each other more than anyone else. You’d both agreed, however, that is was not worth the drama for the rest of the group to know that anything was going on. You’d kept things completely private and, so far, it worked.

You’d turned up to the summer house this year terrified to see him again, and when you had done, it was like there was a weird tension that you’d never known before. There were sparks whenever he looked at you, electricity coursing through you whenever you briefly touched. You hadn’t even kissed the boy and yet all you could think about was doing so. It was driving you insane.

“Well, what else do you want to talk about, (y/l/n)?” He turns his head so that it is facing you but you keep your gaze averted away, worried he’ll make you blush.

“Anything,” You groan, “Like, seriously, it’s making it worse if all we talk about is how hot we are.”

He smirks, “You think you’re hot, (y/n)?”

You whip your head around to face him and roll your eyes, “Grow up, Con.”

His smirk remains, eyes trailing over your face as the conversation grows behind you. Jere and Belly were agreeing on getting into the pool and Steven was refusing to join them under the premise that he couldn’t find any swimming shorts in his suitcase.

“How about we head to the store?” Conrad suggests, pushing himself up to sit on the couch, “We can get some cold drinks, some ice cream, anything remotely cold.”

The group all sound into chorus of agreement and you nod too.

“Yeah, just get anything they’ve got,” You encourage, watching as he swings his legs over the side of the couch so that he’s sat next to you now, his knee bumping your shoulder.

“Oh, you’re coming with me,” He nudges you, “I need someone to help me push the cart.”

Conrad stretches out a hand to you and waits for you to take it.

“Right because that’s definitely a two person job,” You roll your eyes, taking the grip of his hand and pushing yourself up from the floor.

“Oh, absolutely it is,” Conrad shrugs his shoulders, walking out of the lounge towards the front door, grabbing his car keys on the way.

———

You sit in the passenger seat and he sets his hand behind your chair as he reverses, the air con in his car blasting enough for you to both cool down.

“Why didn’t we think of coming in your car earlier?” You question, glancing out of the window at the changing street beside you.

Conrad turns his head in your direction, “Because then they’d all want to come.”

You nod in agreement and fall silent, fiddling with your hands in your lap.

“So, has anyone said anything about…”

“What? Me and you?” You finish the sentence for him, “Why? Do you think they know?”

Conrad smirks a little, “Jere told me that sometimes you talk in your sleep and he can hear you through his wall.”

You frown just slightly, cogs turning in the expectation of what he was about to say.

“Apparently he heard you call my name,” Conrad fully grins then, turning the car into another corner as he approaches the store.

You feel your face heat up more than the sun was capable of, your heart sinking a little, “I did… I mean he heard… what?”

Conrad chuckles gently and his hand moves from the wheel to squeeze your leg, “Oh come on, (y/l/n), I already knew you were obsessed with me.”

You clench your jaw and look away from him, the embarrassment seeping through you. He squeezes your bare leg again and keeps his hand there as he pulls into a space in the parking lot.

“Okay I’ll get a cart and I’ll meet you at the checkout,” You nod, taking a deep breath to relatively compose yourself as you get out of the car.

Conrad follows behind you, fighting back the smile on his face. He walks up behind you as you go to get a cart, his arms dropping to either side of your hands on the handle, thumbs brushing your pinky fingers.

“See, Ive just got so many questions,” He mumbles the words into your ear as his chin drops to your shoulder.

You feel a tingle go over your spine and quickly step out from underneath his arm, “And I won’t be answering them.”

Conrad persists, of course, pushing the cart into the store and following your every move.

You both take a silent sigh of relief at the feeling of the air con in the store, walking a little slower as if to revel in it for as long as possible.

“Okay, so what was this dream about?” Conrad asks, stopping the cart as you throw in a few items from the produce section.

You make brief eye contact with him in the coldest glare you can muster, “Con, I said we’re not talking about this.”

“I mean, it must’ve been pretty good for you to be calling my name,” He points out nonchalantly, throwing a few bags into the cart, “So, tell me what it was about?”

You spin on your heel and grip the end of the cart, squeezing down on the plastic as you look at him, “Conrad, I don’t remember, okay? Now can we please drop this because you’re being an asshole.”

He raises his hands as if in a gesture of surrender before placing them back on the cart and following you still in your slow steps around the aisles.

Conrad didn’t need to know to boost his ego, or to use it against you. He needed to know because the thought of you thinking of him like that made him feel like a kid with his first crush. He was infatuated, and his curiosity was getting the better of him.

Things were awkward between the two of you now, and neither was willing to break the tension with any form of conversation.

You were embarrassed, of course you were. The chemistry between the pair of you had been sky high since you’d arrived back in Cousins - all of the awaited feelings of seeing each other again had come bubbling to the surface. And yet neither of you could do anything about it. So there it stayed - bubbling wildly on a surface that would not release. Of course you were thinking about him, how could you not be?

“Okay, you get the ice and pay for this, I’ll meet you at the car,” You nod, holding your shoulders a little more sure of themselves.

“Oh, so I’m paying?” Conrad raises his brows, stopping in his tracks with a bag of ice in his hands.

“Your daddy’s credit card will,” You taunt in response, disappearing around the corner of another aisle to leave him to his own devices.

Minutes later, Conrad appears through the sliding doors of the store, the fully loaded cart bumping in the parking lot in front of him. You’re stood by the car, waiting for him, two large drink cups in your hands.

“And what’s this?” He nods his head a little towards the drinks, eyes returning back to yours.

“A peace offering,” You shrug your shoulders, “I’m sorry I got annoyed about you asking about… I just, I was embarrassed and I didn’t want you to think I was some weird stalker that was obsessed with you or something.”

Conrad laughs gently, the kind of laugh that always manages to ease your worry. He steps out from around the cart so that he’s mere inches from you.

“You know,” He lowers his torso down to take a slow sip from the drink, darkened eyes staring up at you as he does, “If you wanted to be screaming my name in the night, you should’ve just asked.”

Your mouth falls agape slightly as all words seem to escape you.

“Come on, I’ll load this up before the ice cream starts melting,” He clears his throat, as if nothing had happened, “Get in the car.”

You oblige and sit in the passenger seat waiting for him as he piles the bags into the trunk, climbing into the driver’s seat shortly after.

He reaches over to take his cup from your hand and his fingers brush yours - still electric as you repeat over the words he’d just said.

“So, home?”

You hum in agreement and keep your eyes focused on the road ahead of you as he reverses out of the spot, unable to hide the smile tearing at your face.

———

“We’re back!” Conrad calls out as the two of you head inside, arms full of brown paper bags.

“Thank god!” Jere exclaims, grabbing a couple of the bags from you to alleviate the weight, “Successful trip?”

You and Conrad exchange a quiet glance before looking back and both saying at the same time, “Yeah.”

Jeremiah frowns at you and his brother, “You two are weird.”

He helps to unpack the shopping before turning back to both of you.

“Hey, Con, did you ask (y/n) about her dre-“

“Grow up Jere,” Conrad snaps quickly, throwing the last bag of ice into the freezer.

You look at him and smile a little to yourself, averting your eyes back to the drink in your hand.

Jeremiah rolls his eyes at his brother and disappears out of the kitchen, leaving just the two of you once more.

“Here, they’ve not melted yet,” Conrad pulls an ice pop from one of the boxes and unwraps it, handing it to you.

You set down your drink and take hold of the wooden stick. Now was your chance to get him back. You make sure you’re stood as close as you can get to him, your eyes gazing upwards to focus on his. And you stick out your tongue, drawing it from the bottom to the top of the cold ice, not once breaking eye contact with Conrad as you pop the top in between your lips and suck gently before pulling away.

You watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows the lump in his throat, and find yourself hiding back a grin at your obvious effect on him.

“What’s wrong Connie?” You ask him through batted eyelashes, “You look all… flustered.”

It’s almost as if you see the second that the cogs turn in his brain as his hands stretch out to grip your waist, both tightening to lift you up and onto the kitchen counter behind you.

And then, without a second thought, his hand grips your face and he pulls you in to kiss him. It’s rushed at first and overly fueled by passion but you don’t care. He can taste the sweetness on your lips and it only seems to encourage him more, kissing you like he’d been waiting to do so for years. His hand tightens once more on your waist, pulling you into him as closely as he can as your hands grip onto his shoulders.

Conrad pulls away then, only breaking contact at your lips to catch his breath as his forehead rests against yours.

“Don’t tease me,” He grumbles quietly, his lips plump in the absence of you.

You chuckle a little, nudging his head a little more, “From what just happened there, maybe I should be teasing you more often.”

Conrad smirks and pulls away, standing up straight as both of his hands settle on either side of you on the counter. He glances behind you at where the large glass doors lead out to the garden, “You know, nobody’s actually in the house.”

You turn over your shoulder to catch a glimpse, “Yeah, looks like it’s just us.”

He takes the opportunity as you’re turned away to kiss at the exposed skin of your neck, his touch hotter than any weather was capable of.

You let out a quiet moan and grip the back of his head. Damn, he was good at this.

“Connie-“ You hum, pushing into him as closely as you can.

He smirks against you and pulls away, eyes widening slightly at the mark left on your skin from his lips.

“We should probably join the rest,” You comment, dragging your fingers through his hair.

He flutters his eyes closed at the contact and sighs, “Five more minutes.”

Conrad leans in to kiss you again but stops as he hears;

“Conrad! Can you bring the ice pops out?” It’s Stephen yelling to the pair of you.

You look at Conrad and laugh a little, hopping down from the countertop, “Come on, before they suspect anything.”

“I think that mark on your neck will make them suspect enough.”

You bend down to take the ice pop box from the freezer and reach one hand behind your head to untie your hair, letting it fall around your shoulders.

“There we go, it’s like it never happened,” You wiggle your eyebrows and saunter outside towards the garden.

Conrad watches as you go, a smile on his face before his eyes drop to the barely-touched ice pop you’d both discarded onto the counter.

Thank god for hot weather.

[bonesandchalamet]

senseless - c.fisher

masterlist

pairing: conrad fisher x reader

warnings: mentions of alcohol and hangover + some errors here or there

a/n: NO spoilers of season 2 or book 2!!!

“don’t,” you warn him, watching him cross the room. his strides prove he’s a man a the mission, one that you can’t stop until he’s standing right in front of you.

“this is a bad idea.”

“that’s not what you said last night.” he says, agitated fingers tap the back of the couch making a rumble noise against it.

you roll your eyes. he jumps over the back of the couch and lands on the cushions, “because last night,” you pause watching him settle against the cushions, legs up against the coffee table, “I was in my feelings.”

“for me.” he adds, a wink thrown your way makes a blush filter in against your cheeks.

last night was partially a mistake. too much alcohol, a bad date, and conrad fisher were the recipe of your tears and drunk (but very true) confessions of your feelings. one thing led to another, and conrad fisher lay in your bed instead of his own. his hands tangled in your hair, the sheets twisted in between your legs, and somehow a very bad date turned into a very good one. but the morning after was full of regret.

there was no regretting conrad. with his beautiful tan skin, plump pink lips, mysterious eyes, and pearly white smile how could one resist falling in love with him? it’s the confessions that were dangerous.

you admitted to having been in love with him since you were kids. you admitted you tried to move on from him when he went to college, and you stayed home figuring out your life. but all of that hiding in your safe space of pent up emotions died when he kissed you. you could no longer live knowing all you ever wanted was those lips on yours again.

so now you two stare at each other in silence. nothing but the sound of the air conditioner and the distant waves crashing amongst the shoreline. he’s beautiful, you think to yourself. the navy blue shirt is a little big on him, the tiny black shorts fit him just perfectly, and that smug look is kissable. how could you ever resist him before? the kiss was electrifying, the magnetic pull of his warmth against your body is making the hairs on your arms stand up.

“thinking about me?” he questions, a teasing smirk lifts his lips.

“grow up.” you toss a pillow in his direction. he catches it and then throws it back watching it crash against your chest.

“you’re thinking about that kiss, aren’t you?”

“and what if I was?” you retaliate. you can feel the heat spread across your chest all the way up your neck and cheeks deepening with color.

“then I’d kiss you again, and again until your brain is full of nothing.” he moves across the living room, and sits right on the arm of your chair. his index finger gently pushes your chin upward to face him, “I’d kiss you senseless.”

you’re breathless. there’s not a word in the dictionary to cover what you feel and what you want to say, so you let him. you let his lips crash against yours. his teeth pull your bottom lip, so his tongue slithers in, and plays a game with yours. his lips taste of mint mixed with vanilla chapstick from his nightstand. his fingers yank on your hair, a gasp escaping your lips allowing his tongue to swipe across your lip before pulling you back in.

he’d done his job once again.

kissing you until your brain hurt and your heart only ever thought of him.

[grapejuicestyless]

Don’t Be A Stranger.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Summery: To Conrad, you are all things good in his life. But, it doesn’t feel that way when he keeps you a secret.SHES A LONG ONE!!(perspectives will switch between Conrad, Belly and the reader.)

Conrad had many secrets. Ones he carried not because he didn’t have anyone to share them with, or to trust them with, but because he chose to keep them the way they were always meant to be, a secret. A silent fact that only he would know of. And to Conrad, that was y/n.

Conrad still remembers the day he met her. It had been the morning after a particularly rough storm. Branches and trash scattered along the shoreline, sand messed into piles. But in the mess, sat a girl. Quiet as a mouse, breath steady and face calm. Like the place around her was perfectly normal. She remained unbothered at the center of the chaos.

Her hair had been up, tucked behind her ears. Her top was thin and white, a silky button up that was hanging low on one of her shoulders. From what he could see, her bra strap was light blue, the same shade as her jean shorts. Conrad believed that he had never seen someone so beautiful, not even close to what he was seeing with her. Even in his tween years, he felt sure that he never would see someone that beautiful. But one thing stood out to him.

Looking down, taking her in fully, Conrad noticed that her feet, which were half buried into the warm sand, were still covered in her now stained white socks. Now, he was never one to judge. At least, not verbally. Conrad had his own fair share of oddities, he knew that as well as anyone else. But he couldn’t help but wonder why she didn’t just take them off.

Perhaps it was the fact that he wanted to have a reason to talk to her, searched for a reason to talk to her, or maybe it was pure interest. But something inside of him urged Conrad to approach the girl with her socks in the sand.

“Why don’t you just take your socks off?” His words weren’t mean, or teasing in the slightest. Every word that came out was from pure curiosity and interest. The girl simply shrugged at his question, eyes glued to the water.

“Didn’t feel like it.” Short, but straight to the point. Her lips pulling into a tight, downward slanted smile. Her answer caused Conrad to pull his eyebrows together. Nose scrunched and mouth parted.

“But it takes like three seconds to get them off? And they’re white and the sand might stain them…“ He found himself rambling. Something he never did. No, usually Conrad had very little to say. Only really showing his personality around the residents of the Cousins summer home. But really mainly just the moms, Steven and occasionally Jeremiah.

“Why do you want to see my feet so bad?” In his rambling, Conrad hadn’t realized the girl had turned her gaze to meet his face. One eyebrow slightly lifted up and her nose scrunched barely. Her eyes squinted to look at him through the bright sunlight behind him.

He blushed, feeling embarrassed, and the beach fell quiet again. The only sound the seagulls and the waves crashing into the shore.

The girl sighed, a playful smile spreading across her face. Her hand patted the sand beside her in a welcoming gesture. Her head nodding in approval.

Conrad was careful, sitting down cautiously beside the mystery girl. His body was tense and his eyes trying every hard to not sm get stuck looking at her. He didn’t want to come off too strong, or as a creep, at best. But she was so magnetic. It was like she demanded his attention.

“I didn’t mean to be mean.” Her voice was soft, but carried an undertone of certainty. One that asserted that she was sure in herself but was gentle about it.

Conrad looked at her then, sensing that it was fine to really look at her. When he did, he found her eyes already looking at him. Curious but also shifting. She came across shy, much more shy than she talked. Like their eye contact was physically hurting her.

“You weren’t mean.” He had reassured her.

“You were just curious. I mean, it is odd. Who wears socks in the sand?” She wiggled her feet playfully, making fun of herself. But it wasn’t degrading. She carried too much pride in herself to do that. She did it in a way that showed she meant her apology, and lifted the mood in it. A shared laugh sounding between them.

“I’m Conrad.” He held out his hand, chest still shaking with laughter. The girl took it, eyes directed to where they were now connected, avoidant of his eyes again.

“Y/n.” Her eyes found his, and the smile on her face showed maybe she wasn’t as afraid and shy as Conrad had assumed.

Their conversation that followed after the exchange further proved that. Y/n was complicated, but not in a bad way. She was shy, but prideful. She wasn’t cocky either, but also didn’t allow people to take credit for what she had done. She was genuine and honest. She wasn’t sorry for being her. Unapologetically herself in all ways, but knew how to apologize and mean it when it counted. She was reliable but leaned more towards an introverted life. She hated large groups of people, but loved them when she knew everyone well enough. She didn’t have many friends, but she loved the ones she had like a family. Y/n hated the feeling of her hair on the back of her neck in the summer because she claimed it stuck too much to her skin and made her feel gross. But she loved it in the winter because she thought it made her look better. Conrad couldn’t have disagreed more. Even only seeing her hair up, he decided for her that there was no way she could’ve worn her hair that would’ve made her less attractive. She was perfect to him.

It had been years since that morning. Years and still, the pair found time for each other every night. Meeting in the same spot as where they met when the clock neared midnight. Y/n slipping from her bedroom window and Conrad the back door into the darkness of the night. Their meetings innocent, but secret. The two of them enjoying the bond that was only for them to know.

They spent hours out there, laughing and whispering dirty jokes and juicy secrets like young children gossiping on the playground after lunch. Their butt prints left behind in the sand the only evidence that they had been there. And the day would go on, everyone in their lives unknowing of who the other was, and what they were doing every night.

“And don’t get me started on Jo and Laurie. They were always meant to be platonic and I do not understand the argument that they could’ve been more! If-“ I cut off her ramblings with a laugh. Hearing the shy girl so passionate about something so random was so refreshing. Y/n often did this. She would find something she really liked. Whether it be a book, a movie or even only something that had been said weeks ago, she would find a way to make it known how she felt about it. A habit that grew more passionate the longer we knew each other. It was something she could find herself to get lost in. Just expressing to me how much she loved certain things. It made me feel special, important. Loved.

“And-uh…” My laughter seemed to throw Y/n’s rant off track, her mind losing its train of thought. She blushed, realizing how long she had been talking about one of her favorite books at the moment, my laughter triggering her own. Each word becoming messier and messier until it was only a laughing fit between the two of us.

“Continue.” My lips curled into a smile, eyes bright. She was sat in front of me, legs crossed over each other and pulled into her chest. Her arms were tight around her calves and her head that was once stretched upward in a daydreaming kind of way was now rested on her knees. Her eyes squinted and her teeth showed, pure happiness written all over her.

A beat passed. My foot was starting to ache from being tucked beneath my body, my other leg stretched out in front of me. Bent so I could rest my arm on my knee. The slight discomfort and shifty positions all signs that that night was ending soon.

I felt her fingers pass over mine. Touches feathery and light. Eyes never once leaving mine. I let her press her palm flat against mine, her thumb wrapped around the back of my hand, my thumb gently rubbing the back of hers.

“What?” I asked, seeing how amused she looked, how happy she was.

“Nothing. Can’t a girl be happy?” Playful as ever. I sighed contently.

“No, of course. You just seemed…I’m not sure.” I took in her face once more. I wished I had a camera in that moment. I would frame this moment in my room, make it my lock screen. Anything to cement it further into my life. So it wouldn’t just be something left in my mind. More than just a ring memory. Something I could hold.

Her hand pulled out of mine. I tried to clamp down on her hand, stop her from slipping away. I loved the way her fingers slotted between mine. How warm her palm was against mine. How my hand swallowed her whole. Still, she managed to escape, flopping dramatically onto her back and throwing her arm over her eyes to really exaggerate it.

“It’s just so beautiful out!” Her arms shot up, fingers stretched to the sky. Eyes bright with wonder and the reflections of the stars.

Like you.

I didn’t say it, but I should’ve. The stars were so beautiful tonight, that was true. But the girl I proudly called my best friend made them look dull next to her. Instead of speaking, I only laid next to her, hands intertwined and laid on my chest. I relaxed into the earth.

“This might just be the brightest they’ve been all summer.” She expressed. I turned my head to face her. Y/n turned to face me hearing the sand shift and our noses almost touched. I watched intently as her nose scrunched, lips drawn together in a tight smirk.

“Not as bright as you.” I meant what I said, but the way I said it made it come out as a joke. Something unserious, something light. And I watched as she took it that way. Though, a blush still did find its way to her cheeks, her hand pushing at my shoulder and a small groan of fake disgust emitting from her throat.

“Stop.” We laughed for the millionth time, looking back to take in the sky. The silence that overtook us was comfortable, still and calming.

“I wish summer would never end.” Y/n confessed. I nodded, feeling the same exact way. Not only because the warmth and the ocean was a nice sight, but because I had her next to me throughout it all.

…

A kick to my shoulder is what woke me up. Sand stuck in all the wrong places and my body aching with sleep. Everything felt drier that usual. Lips chapped and eyes aching in tiredness. The sun was high by now, the birds singing and the seagulls screaming over the soft melodies of the other ones.

It took me a second to register what was happening, where I was. It wasn’t until the second kick that I finally peeled my eyelids back and blinked until the blurriness faded behind the sleep stuck in the corners of my eyes.

“Dude, get up.” I groaned, swatting at whoever decided to wake me up so early. It was cold, I decided. Hands reaching by my sides to yank at the softness of any blanket around, only to be met with mounds of sand falling under my hold.

“What the fuck..” I whispered, still loopy. My eyes processed I was outside minutes ago, the sky and the water just feet away a clear sign that I was not within the confinements of my own room. However, it wasn’t until the discomfort of sand sticking underneath my nails and the feeling of it in mass amounts on my palms that my mind caught up to my vision.

My heart raced, and my head turned. There, just mere inches was the girl I spent each night with. Her back facing my face, hair falling messily from her braid and shorts riding up her thighs. Her skin was warmer, in the sun. I never really saw it closely. All interactions outside of our designated time frame from afar or short. Now I could see it. How the sun had made her glow even more so than before. How tiny freckles covered more than just her cheeks, and how beautiful she was in a brighter light.

“CONRAD!” This voice was much deeper in pitch than the original, and the kick was harder than the first few. One that had jolted me up, hand cradling my ribs to aid to the now fading pain.

I scratched at the back of my head once more, shaking out the sand and rubbing the sleep away with the firmness of my knuckles.

In the sand next to me, the sun cast three shadows. Two males and a girl. Silhouettes I could recognize from miles away. Even without any details other than the blackness. With a hand held out above me to guide the sun out of my eyes and a few more blinks, I felt sure it wasn’t my imagination. No, because above me stood the three people I wished I hadn’t seen. Jeremiah, Steven and Belly. All wearing different expressions on their faces.

To start, Jeremiah wore a almost disgusted look on his face. One that suggested he believed I was outside next to a girl for dirtier reasons. Stevens similar in that sense, yet his face was more of a proud smirk. One that led me to believe he was celebrating the idea. Belly’s expression, however, showed one of mixed emotions. She looked the most confused, a little more lost even. But in her eyes there were undertones of sadness, hurt. Betrayal. Even though it was clear we would never be more than friends, her maturity lacking and her attitude developing the prettier she got, she always believes something could happen. Probably because I never gave her a straight reason to my dismissive attitude and constant, “no’s.” But how do you explain to someone how your heart only knows how to love someone else. Someone she hadn’t even known existed until now. Someone you’d been hiding for years? You don’t. You just hope one day she’ll understand.

She was the first to break the silence. One so awkward and heavy it could be cut through with a knife. Clearing her throat she motioned to the girl beside me. I felt too scared in the moment, to look at her. Too shy to introduce her. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to know her. I wished everyone knew her like I did, I think everyone would love her just as I do. But jealousy is a disease, and even the thought of having to share her made me seethe with it.

“Y/n.” The sound of shuffling made my head snap back, eyes wide. She was awake. How long was she awake for? Did she see the looks on their faces like I had? Did she care?

I watched her run out the sleep from her eyes just how I had done to mine. Her fingers swiping delicately underneath her waterline to wipe away any mascara that had smudged. Even sleepy and sore, she looked like an angel.

“Y/n…” Jeremiah bit his lip in thought, trying to recall if he’d ever heard the name before. He came up short, it sounded unfamiliar. Shaking his head, Jeremiah looked to the others to see if they had any clue.

“Oh…” Steven let out a drawn out, overdramatic sigh. “You’re the girl from the gift shop. Down by the board walk!” I lifted a brow at Y/n, she seemed just as confused.

“You were so quiet, the cashier had to ask you to speak up like five times!” He hadn’t meant it in a mean or sarcastic way, Steven never did. He just came across that way, and it was no exception this time. I could see it, how the redness overtook her face, eyes flicking down to her hands were her fingers laced together and tangled. She nodded, not too sure about herself. I could read it.

“Yep.” She popped her “P” awkwardly, still avoiding Stevens eyes.

“Okay, so what are you doing down on the beach at seven in the morning with her?” Belly spoke up, eyes flicking between us. I felt her gaze burning my skin. She tried to look like she didn’t care, but the way she was examining the two of us for any marks or hints that we had done what they had expected happened showed otherwise.

“We…uh…” I stumbled over what I wanted to say. I didn’t want them to go on believing something had happened when it hadn’t. Especially if it could make Y/n uncomfortable. But even more than that, I wanted to keep these secret rendezvous just what they were. A time where we could just be us and let the world continue to be oblivious to us like it had always been.

“It was my idea. I love the stars so, Conrad started looking at them with me. We just fell asleep last night, that’s all.” She sounded almost nervous, but that was only to me. Anyone who didn’t know her would think she sounded calm. But I noticed the shake in her voice. How her lip trembled for a second after she’s finished getting everything out. She said it quicker and quieter than she usually did with me, all things only I would pick up on.

The confusion turned to utter shock, even Belly losing the jealous look and fighting a gasp from escaping. Though Y/n hadn’t explicitly stated that this was something that had been going on for awhile, everything about the situation alluded to it. Their mouths remained stuck open, stuttering.

Maybe it was because even though we had both been adamant about what the boundaries of our friendship was, and clear in the fact that we were nothing more than that, they still suspected there was something more.

“I’m…I better get home before my mom freaks out again.” Y/n was quick to wipe the sand from her jeans. Anything that was in her hair long gone from her shaking it out throughout the conversation. Her legs looked stiff, probably from sleeping on the beach for so long, and her eyes weren’t fully open still.

“Yeah, I’ll drive you.” I was quick to my feet, not bothering with the sand like she had. A snicker reached my ears, soft enough I was sure Y/n hadn’t heard it, but loud enough for me to turn to glare at the three who were sure to be gossiping about this when we left.

Even when the distance between us grew so big that they became nothing more than tiny specks of darkness on the light shore, my heart still pounded. Beating louder than the sound my car door made as I slammed it shut. Not in a hurry to get her home, but to get away from them.

The car ride was silent, on my end, yet Y/n, who seemed to have a sixth sense just for me knew to keep talking, to both lighten the situation and my mood. She rambled on and on about her school courses she’d picked. About how lucky I was to be going to brown. Joking that she’d only be just a few hours away now, instead of across the country. Even though deep down we both knew Y/n was much too serious about her grades to ever come and visit unless she was far enough ahead in her classes. Her anxieties too high. She likes to overthink everything. Any interaction, anything someone had said. If it was rude, if it was unserious. She wasn’t overly insecure in that fear, but it was noticeable how she took the time to really think everything she said through. That was, until she found something she loved. Then it was like her brain detached from her body and she could just speak for hours without stopping.

I didn’t talk until the gravel from her driveway crushed underneath my car tires and the car was in park. She sat silently, waiting for a goodbye patiently. A playful grin stretched on her cheeks. My knuckles were white from how hard they were curled on the steering wheel. My cheeks just starting to return to a normal shade.

“You going to say goodbye or do I need to hug myself?” She punched my shoulder. I held it, pretending it hurt. It never did. I sighed.

“I’m really sorry, Y/n/n. I am.” I looked to her straight on for the first time since we’d gotten in the car. Before then, my eyes had only caught hers in the mirrors or in my quick glances to check the other side of the road. She looked just as youthful and happy as last night. Not at all like she was bothered.

“Con, really. It’s fine. Shit happens. Yeah…it was really, really fucking weird the way they were acting, but who cares? At the end of the day it’s always going to be you and me. We’ll never have to see them again.” Her hand reached up to touch my cheek. It was warm, like her. And soft. A gentle touch I’d only ever felt twice before, as it was too intimate for just friends to be doing. Or at least the in the way she did it.

I nodded into her touch, closing my eyes to breathe and calm, something I felt the most when I was near her. Calm, collected. Like I could think better, oxygen reaching my brain more.

“Ok, then I’m fine if you are.” I smiled again her palm, fighting the urge to simply turn my head a press my lips to her skin. It would be so easy, so simple. But friends don’t do that. So I pulled away, opening my eyes and licking my lips.

“Great.” She swung the door open, the click and the zipping of her seatbelt coming off quick and loud in the mostly quiet atmosphere we created in the car. “See you tonight.” I didn’t get a chance to respond, but maybe that’s how she meant it. So I wouldn’t have a chance to respond. Y/n walked off in a hurry, slipping the key out from under the welcome mat by her door and waving sweetly before disappearing into her house. I was already counting down the hours until I could see her again.

That night I was extra quiet leaving. Slipping through the back door particularly slow, I didn’t latch it shut completely, fearing the sound of in clicking shut that could wake anyone. A fear I never had before, but knowing of my brother and the Conklin’s tendency to stick their noses where they weren’t meant to be. I made sure to walk toe to heal, a trick Y/n had once mentioned. She claimed it gave you more control and would soften my steps. She was right.

I all but sprinted down the oak stairs, old and leaned against the sandy grass, a small hill that separated the summer home from the beach itself. I figured the creaks would fall deaf on their sleeping ears, the wind and branches of trees nearby swallowing it whole. I didn’t stop moving, not even once the sand kicked up around my shoes. I hadn’t bothered to take them off, in such a rush. My chest was on fire and my lips were drying, but still I pushed. I pushed and I didn’t stop until the house was far off to the left, still visible but far gone enough that even the loudest laughter would be only a whisper.

There she was, sitting patiently, stilled in her spot in the sand. Her hair was up, again, but she still when to tuck it behind her ears. Maybe out of instinct. Her eyes were focused in at the sea, where they always laid before I arrived. Totally consumed by the world around her, it wasn’t until my feet kicked sand into her lap in an attempt to be playful that she acknowledged my presence.

“Look what the cat dragged in.” Her smile was mischievous, but I was so easily fooled behind that fake innocence she radiated, her hand that was held out an easy trap. When I fell into it, fingers wrapping around hers, Y/n wasted no time in pulling me down harshly. Sand in my mouth and down my shirt. I coughed while she laughed.

“You minx!” Rolling onto my back, I yanked by the back of her shirt until Y/n’s head was beside mine. The stars above us and the ocean beside us. It was dry over here, the tide not touching this far out, so the ground was soft beneath us. Comfortable.

“You fall for it every time, Con. And you know what?” She rolled over, nose nudging into my cheek. I watched from the corner of my eye, Y/n’s body shifting away so we weren’t unbearably close. Only then did I turn, realizing that even with her silly efforts, it would only take me leaning in just an inch for our bodies to touch.

She poked my cheek, seeing how I was drifting out into thought. I squinted, looking at her, waiting. I hummed, letting her know I wanted to know. I always wanted to hear what she had to say.

“It gets better every time.” Her innocence completed faded then, the pure teasing side of her coming out, it was humerus seeing her so outgoing this way. It was something that kept me so attached to her. That pulled me to her. Enough that my body was up off the sand without her even getting another word in, hands planted on her sides and the most unserious look of anger on my face. We rolled around, sand covering every part of us. Our laughter echoing. The insistent tap on my shoulders signaled she’s had enough, Y/n swearing she was sorry, my grip left hers and the force that built between us in our battle threw us outward. Landing with a soft groan and the sand underneath our backs again. Laughter consumed us once again.

“That was really good.” She was sarcastic.

“Yeah? Well I bet you-“ Y/n’s lighthearted teasing called for a round two and the look in her eyes only further proved it was what she wanted. What the goal was. My elbows bent up, ready to get up in a moments notice.

She was always so willing to match whatever I felt, just as I did. Our energy syncing up perfectly. It made moments like these special, memorable. The more I waited, prolonging when I would strike, the more uncomfortable Y/n grew. Only this time, it was serious. Usually, her backing away was something that would happen. My looks could kill, and there was no way she could outrun me, out wrestle me. She had a tendency to want to take back what she started after realizing this. So her running off wasn’t unheard of. I would do it too. The breeze of the late summer night and the knowledge that it was truly just us in that point in time was something so thrilling. We could do anything. But this was different. She wasn’t backing away. No, but her eyes lost that sense of play. Of joy that they held. The sparkle dimmed and her head faced her feet in the sand. She sat up quickly then, unwilling to face me. Her throat cleared. Something was wrong.

Wanting to find what causes the shift, I looked around. Searching the area, trying to fix what had happened. My heart sank.

Walking rather enthusiastically towards us were the three people in the world I did not want to see again today. Belly skipping ahead of Steven and Jeremiah, all wearing big smiles and waving even more emphasized. I wanted to turn to Y/n, tell her it would be fine. They were just curious and would be gone soon. I would get them to leave, but that wasn’t a given. And I couldn’t make them do anything. So I curled up into myself, head facing down at my fingers that drew in the sand and I mirrored what Y/n felt. Uncomfortable.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I said it in my head, multiple times. Like the more I said it, the more it would be true. Maybe it would be better with more people. More the merrier, whatever they say. I knew it wouldn’t be, deep down. Y/n wasn’t one for big crowds. And I wasn’t the best with expressing how I felt.

“I told you I saw him leave!” Steven hit Jeremiah’s shoulder, pointing at us like we weren’t right there. Like we couldn’t hear them simply because we hadn’t chosen to acknowledge them yet.

Licking at my gums, a soft sigh tumbled out of my lips. Looking to Y/n, her I found her eyes had already been trained on me. And if eyes could talk, I swear in that moment hers would’ve been a jumbled mess. “What the fuck.” Is what would’ve been the underlining message, though. And I couldn’t blame her. Because I was thinking the same. What the fuck.

I tried to reason with her through my eyes. Signal that it might not be as unbearable as we thought. Maybe I could persuade her into being alright and she wouldn’t mind. She would be perfectly fine. I wouldn’t, how could I believe I could help her when she trusted it would only be us forever. A promise I made so long ago. I knew her like I knew my reflection. I knew she would hate this like I did. I knew she would go home and question tonight. I might get a few stray texts, but ultimately, she wouldn’t like it. She wouldn’t be able to be as open, and she’d close herself off.

“Hey guys. Y/n, right?” Belly leaned forward, holding her hand out for Y/n to shake. She stared blankly, hesitating. Her eyes flicked to mine. “What’s happening?” They said. “I don’t know.” Mine replied.

Y/n took Belly’s hand in hers, their touch awkward and short. Even in the dark, I didn’t miss the slight shake in Y/n’s hand, or how Belly wiped away her touch as soon as their skin lost contact. I had to look away. It felt weird.

“So, this is what you do every night?” Jeremiah spoke up, completely oblivious to the situation. I swallowed. I couldn’t look up from my feet.

“Yep.” I bit my tongue. I didn’t want to be rude, but I didn’t want them there.

“And you just sit here?” I nodded again, I couldn’t meet Y/n’s eyes, but I felt them on me. Burning into my skin like she desperately was trying to pull for my attention. I couldn’t look. I couldn’t force myself too. I was too focused on myself. I barely heard how their voices grew louder. A conversation being born. How they had started talking to Y/n. Forcing her to open up in a way.

She looked to me again, I met her eyes, but avoided them quickly after. I couldn’t bare the look she was giving me. “Conrad, please.” They begged. But these were my friends, this was my family. I couldn’t just get rid of them when they were so obviously excited to be around someone new. No matter how much I disliked it. Hated it, even.

She answered their questions at first, shared very minor details about her life in each story. But these were all stories I’d heard thousands of times. So I knew what details were being left out. And how I wanted to blurt out what was missing, out together the full story. Laugh and reminisce on how good those times were, but I bit my tongue. Silent.

Soon, though, her voice became less and less. The others growing more and more. Their interest diminishing while they became immersed in their own lives. Their own memories that they could smile at. Talking over her voice, not giving her a breath to speak. I met her eyes then, and like a silent conversation, it was clear the night was already over.

“Hey…uh, guys.” I cleared my throat, speaking for the first time all night since they’d shown up. It went silent around me. “I think Y/n and I are gonna head off. It’s getting late so, I should probably drive her home.”

“Already? Dude it’s like eleven thirty?” I shot daggers at Steven, he backed off. “Have a good night, I guess.” He couldn’t look at me now.

Their goodbyes were lazy, and rushed. Like even though they had crashed our time together, we were the ones interrupting them. Their time. In a hurry to get back into their conversation. So, after helping Y/n up, it wasn’t hard to slip away without much trouble.

Again, like the past morning, the car ride wasn’t the loudest. Only, this time not even the soft chatter came from Y/n. No ramblings or nearly unbelievable stories that in no way I would believe normally, but it was Y/n so how could I not? She was the most truthful person I knew. Plus, even when she did lie it was very obvious. That’s what made the stories even better. Because they were true.

No, this time it was a complete silence. Other than the faint flicking echo from her nails scratching at her skin, and the tap of her heal on the floor in front of the passenger seat. Her face was flat. No emotion showing. No hints at how she was feeling. It killed me, not being able to read her. I didn’t know what was happening, but I wanted to make it right. I wanted her to be happy.

I watched the confusion cross her face as her street passed, growing further and further away until it was so distant that it was unnoticeable.

“Conrad, what..?” He pointed out the window, looking over her shoulder to signal what she was referring to. I shrugged.

“The night is still young. I still have so much to talk to you about so I figured we could go for ice cream?” My eyes left the road briefly, flicking over to her face. Her eyebrows were still drawn together, lip bitten between her front teeth.

“I don’t have any money.” She almost whispered.

“Don’t worry about it.” I wished in that moment that I could’ve taken her hand in mine. Rubbed over the soft skin and assured her it would all be fine, that’s not where our relationship stood. As close as we were, there are always boundaries. A line that defines what is platonic and maybe not. My loving hand in hers would edge that line, and considering what tone she was setting in the car, it felt inappropriate.

…

Chocolate soft serve with rainbow sprinkles and a few strawberries.

It was her order. One I had memorized so well, so down to the exact detail that she wouldn’t even have to speak. Just a look at the menu and I knew what she wanted. The same as always. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t have known, wouldn’t have cared. But it was her. My Y/n. Of course I knew. Why wouldn’t I?

We’d only gotten ice cream a handful of times. The beach was our place. One of peace where it was truly just us. Everybody long gone, sleeping and unaware of our presence by the time we got out there. Here, the few who also enjoyed the peace of the night wandered into the cool building. Looking for a sweet treat to finish the night. It didn’t feel the exact same.

Like the beach, we had a bench here. Our spot. It was tucked away, closer to a patch of overgrown grass and rotting. Separate from the rest of the bunch. But it was more quiet over there. More secluded, the way we liked.

It was less quiet now that it was just us. Conversation flowing easily. But it wasn’t the same. Y/n didn’t go on a long rant about her favorite book. How A Little Life had destroyed her or how her favorite sitcom was slowly making its way back into her daily routine. And she didn’t eat as quick as normal. Her spoon stirring at the cold food until it was soupy, warmed. Untouched. She was off. I knew it. Even if Y/n tried to act like she was just the same, like her mind wasn’t somewhere else, I knew. I knew her more than anyone gave me credit for. Something was wrong, and I had a good guess as to what.

“Y/n.” It fell deaf on her ears. She kept playing at her food.

“Y/n, hey.” I put my hand over hers. Keeping my fingers bent to keep a small distance between our fingers. I hoped my warmth simply radiating into her skin would be enough to gain her attention.

Her head snapped up. Clearing her throat, she blinked a few times. Clearly out of it, it took her a second to hum in response. Trying to remember what I was saying. I gave her time.

“What’s wrong?” She shook it off, moving her hand off the table and into her lap. It stung, it shouldn’t have, but it did. After all, we were only friends. Nothing more. So the rejection of my touch shouldn’t have meant anything.

She was silent, shaking it off and swallowing down any emotions rising, forming a lump in her throat. She pushed it back. “No, nothing. I’m fine.” I raised a brow.

“Don’t lie to me.”

“I’m not.” She defended. My look only grew more knowing.

“Y/n…” I pleaded, eyes searching hers. She wouldn’t open up. Something I was familiar with. Never the greatest with sharing how I felt, not in the slightest.

“If this is about tonight, I never meant for them to join us. I hope you know that. I didn’t ask them to. They just did.” I started to explain. She shook her head, eyes glued to her lap.

“No, no. I know. It’s, really it’s fine. They were nice, so it’s…” She trailed off, unsure of what to say next. The space between us fell quiet for the millionth time.

“Hey.” I broke the silence, wanting to fix this. Fix us. She looked at me, eyes drained. She looked tired. I didn’t blame her. I felt it too.

“I’m going to talk to them, fix this, okay?” I assured her again, hoping she knew I would follow through. That I would make it all better. She nodded, eyes sparkling under the stars.

The night wasn’t what it was meant to be, but it wasn’t ruined. How could it be? I got to see Y/n. That’s all the counted at the end of the day.

The sand was cold in my shoes, sticking to the fabric of my socks. It was colder now, darker. The world even quieter than how Y/n and I had left it. The only noise the laughter of life long friends. A sound that should’ve thrilled me. My face should’ve been drawn into a smile, my heart beating. But it felt heavy. And my heart wasn’t fluttering. It sank, feeling sore, hurt even. I felt betrayed and I didn’t know why. It wasn’t like we were dating, we were only friends. Friends who hung out together a lot in a public area. How could they invade something that wasn’t ever truly hidden?

I didn’t know what to say, and it was strange. I went over it the entire drive home. How I would be straight forward, tell them flat out that they were not welcome here with us. That Y/n wasn’t the most comfortable around them like I was. How I hadn’t even been able to calm down until it was just us again. But looking at them now, faces glowing with the smiles they exchanged, hands swinging wildly around to bring the conversation to life, I felt like a party killer and my pace slowed.

“Conrad!” Belly all but screamed, excitedly waving me over. She patted the sand beside her, but I didn’t sit. I couldn’t. My fists clenched on the sides of my body, my mind racing. I drew my lips back into a tight line.

They all looked at me, expectedly, waiting for me to either sit or leave. I stayed cemented to the ground where my feet resided. I couldn’t move, not even if I tried. I was stuck there by some force. Something pulling me down. I licked my lips, swallowing hard. Eyes flickering around their small circle, I found the courage to speak.

“Listen, guys, about tonight…” I wanted to say more, I did. I had so much to share, to tell them. I had boundaries to put in place, but I couldn’t. Not with their excitement.

“That’s what we were just going to talk to you about!” Steven talked over me subconsciously, too excited to hear my tone of voice. To see how my shoulders were slumped and my eyes drooping.

“I have no idea how you kept Y/n a secret for so long, she’s awesome.” Steven continued, sparking my interest. No matter the situation. How down I was, how frustrated, just the mere mention of her name made my heart race and lips fight a smile.

“Yeah, no. I agree. I mean, she’s a little quiet but she has good stories. I mean that one about how she started coming down here…” Jeremiah continued to rave about her, going on and on about a story I knew in and out. About a girl I had memorized completely. And I forgot why I was angry. Why I had even bothered to talk to them in that moment. It seemed almost silly, how worked up I had been. All while they believed she was an angel, just as I did when I met her. So, selfishly I had gotten lost in all the good things about Y/n to remember that she was upset earlier. That this couldn’t happen again. And I let slip away into the past. Finishing the night with soft goodbyes from everyone and a sincere text to Y/n, wishing her one as well. I didn’t wait for a response like I usually did, I assumed she might be asleep by now. I just hopes she knew I hadn’t forgotten about her.

Waking up that morning, it felt like no time had passed. Like somehow, even though the sun was well into its journey through the sky, it was still midnight in my mind. A never ending loop. Day, night, day, night.

It was the nights spent with Conrad that held me over. That differentiated between the night and the day. A feeling that could only be described as pure sunshine, ironically, being what flooded my systems during the evening and the intense excitement for the night during the day helping to move the cycle on. Kept the world revolving around during the summer. But last night, hadn’t been that.

No, what started as pure bliss was cut short by the heavy awkwardness between Conrad and I, the laughter of his other friends bellowing over anything I shared. It was sweet, how he’d tried to fix it. Offered some ice cream and fought for some alone time. But it wasn’t the same. It wasn’t just us under the stars at the beach. And it wasn’t light hearted.

Conrad promised he’d talk to them, and Conrad wasn’t a liar. He wasn’t the most open, and he wasn’t the most forward with himself. Always avoiding the situations he was placed in. But he was true, and he was honest. If he promised he’d talk to them, I didn’t worry about if he would or not.

Truthfully, it wasn’t them that bothered me. Not too much, anyway. It was overwhelming, sure. All the noise and the pace of the conversation. Talking about everything they’d experienced, I’d felt rather invisible among them, so I didn’t mind. It was Conrad.

I didn’t care how invisible I was to them. I didn’t care too much about Belly or Steven, and I’m sure Jeremiah should’ve been important given their relations but he wasn’t. I couldn’t care less what he thought of me. I only thought of Conrad. And he couldn’t even look at me. I practically burned a hole into his head with my gaze. Begging, pleading for him to even acknowledge me.

But he wouldn’t pull his eyes from the ground. He couldn’t. Maybe I wouldn’t have minded, played it off like he was just nervous. But these were his people, his family. If there was anyone to be comfortable around, it was them. So it had to have been me. Something was wrong with me.

I mulled over the thought in my head all day, trying to figure out what I had done, what about me I could change. What could I do better?

It consumed me completely. I barley noticed how the sun was setting, I didn’t even realize I had made my way down to the beach. The sand beneath my toes and the moon high in the middle of the stars. It wasn’t until the waves crashed particularly hard against the shore and the last of the seagulls around called out that I found myself sat in the forever indented spot on the beach, a cemented memory of what happened each night.

I hoped things would be different. That just being around him could ease my nerves. It always did, he had that affect. No matter how tired, or worn down I felt, Conrad only had to flash me a smile and wave. And my heart would start beating and cheeks would flush a deep red. A feeling that was reserved for him.

And it started that way, fulfilling that hopefulness I held earlier that night. It was only Conrad, body swallowed by his red zip up and worn out shorts. It was something that made him so easily identifiable. Paired with that smile and his shy wave, I almost melted. Ready to forget the night before.

Only then, did I see the rest of them. Sneaking behind him from afar. Quieter than the previous night, which led me to believe that maybe he had said something, but the message wasn’t clear. It wasn’t just us and I knew tonight wouldn’t be what I wanted it to be.

Again, like a repeat, his eyes found the floor. He couldn’t even look at me. He couldn’t even be near me. He was so distant. Not only mentally, but physically. Leaning away, looking everywhere but at me. He showed no emotion. He showed no emotion, nothing at all. My heart broke, then. How the boy I loved more than life, felt the safest around hadn’t even had the slightest care about it. How ashamed he was, of me. It hurt to even be around him then. Only a reminder of how I wasn’t enough, not for him. Only meant to be a secret, a guilty pleasure. I wanted to vomit. I wanted to leave.

“Hey, uh…I think I’m going to go. It’s, it’s late. So, I don’t want my mom to worry.” I found a good break in the conversation, standing slowly and wiping the earth off of my legs. Flashing the fakest smile, I went to part ways.

The sand rustled behind me, quickly as if whoever moved it was in a rush.

“Hey, I’ll take you home. It’s dark so…” Conrad spoke, I didn’t even feel his eyes look at me. Not even then, not even while he spoke to me. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be around him anymore, it hurt too much.

“No, no. Stay. Really, I just, I need some air, so. I’ll text you.” I lied. I wouldn’t text him. He must’ve known. Because his steps faltered. Only then I turned to him, nodding goodbye to everyone, I left.

I didn’t text that night, laying alone in the quiet of my room. I stayed up all night watching the most beautiful movies and listening to my favorite music. Skipping the songs that reminded me of us. It wasn’t how I wanted the night to end, not at all. But I’d rather be alone than spend my night in a place where I was not wanted.

Just then, while I was turning in for the night did my phone buzz. A single text illuminating my lock screen. A photo of the stars and Conrad’s silhouette admiring them. It was from the boy on my screen. The one whose eyes were filled with love looking at the thing I loved like I loved him.

“I hope you got home alright. I really thought they weren’t coming. I swear. See you tomorrow? Maybe we can find another spot on the beach further down. Let me know if you’d like that. Goodnight, y/n/n.” He’d sent it with a heart and a smiley face. I typed for a second, hovering the buttons.

“Why are you ashamed of me? Did I do something wrong?” I erased the message.

“Goodnight, Con.” I edited this one, not wanting to talk to him, but never wanting to worry the boy.

“Goodnight, Conrad.” Sending it, I let the light dim into darkness, the moonlight shining through my curtains and easing me into a light slumber.

She’d left so quick. So coldly. Like it physically pained her to be here, at this beach with me any longer. All night I had felt guilt, guilt for my actions, or lack therefore of. I hadn’t kept my word, and I couldn’t even look at her knowing that. I probably had disappointed her.

I wasn’t as smart as Steven, as charming as Jeremiah, or as open as Belly, but I could comprehend what was happening. She was drifting, and I watched as she left me stranded.

I wanted to reach out for her. Chase her down on the beach a beg her to stay, for me. To just talk. Maybe we could go for a walk. I could buy us ice cream. Keep buying it until our stomachs were full and my bank account drained. But the way she shook off my efforts to help her made it known I was not wanted. Not needed. So like I did with all the greatest things in my life, I let her go. And I watch with tears in my eyes and my chest pounding as she left me behind, a promise to text me when she got home.

But I hadn’t kept my word, so why should she have kept hers?

Not hearing from her was the final punch that did me in for the night. The one that hit in the face that keeps you down. Struggling to breathe. It became more obvious she wanted not to talk to me. I tried to be nice, show how much I still cared. I’d always cared. How could I not? I tried to be sweet, as sweet as I could. Telling her I loved her in the only way I knew how. By showing her how much I thought about her, cared about her. She responded soon after. And she used my full name. It was cold, and it hurt, but I deserved it.

I always used to tell myself that if I hadn’t done something, haven’t said something I wish I had, I always had the next night. That was a given. I had twenty four hours to remember it and perfect what I wanted to say, and I could always just blurt it out into conversation. Our time together was easy like that. No conversation staying on the same topic for more than a few minutes. Now I was unsure. Maybe I didn’t have the next day, maybe she wouldn’t be in the mood to joke around. Only being there to say she had shown up. Mentally somewhere else.

That night had a lead up to it. Anticipation building to when I could see her again. I vowed that after last night, I would tell her exactly what was happening. Fix it, make it better. I just wanted to make it better.

When I got there, the beach was empty. Not that it was unusual. I was early. To eager to wait any longer. Even as the moon grew higher and the night later, still there was no sign of Y/n. Her seat left unattended and unused. Midnight struck, and she remained unseen. Familiar sounds of shoving and laughing filled my ears though.

Hopeful, I turned to them. The group that had ruined it as if Y/n would magically love them and be caught up with them. It would hurt to know she was late because she preferred to spend her time with my better friends, but it didn’t matter. I would wait hours for her to show just to see her even for a second. But of course, Y/n was just as present as a ghost. Still missing.

I texted, a few times. The blue of my texts staring back at me in a long line. Each unanswered, some read, the more recent ones not. My heart sunk a little. My face heated up. I waited, the longer time passed the more the voices of my family muffled behind the loud ringing that filled my ears.

“Don’t wait for me. I don’t feel like coming out tonight. Don’t come find me, goodnight.” She couldn’t even say my name. She couldn’t even let me know in advanced. She probably debated even sending it. How could I have let this happen? Been so careless, gotten lost along the way?

I looked at the others then. Silencing my phone. I should’ve felt nothing but pride, looking at the people I love most. But I only felt bubbling anger. Disgust. In their own selfishness, they had taken her from me. I couldn’t think straight. Hearing them laugh so carelessly in the sacred space that Y/n and I had created. Parasites in what was once a paradise. I lost it with the way they all looked to me, asking for my opinion on a topic I didn’t care to listen to. Too lost in thought.

“Connie?” Belly leaned closer, eyes fluttering. I saw the knowing smirk on Stevens face, always the biggest supporter of Belly’s obsessions. Her number one cheerleader. I could always find it on me to find it sweet, a cute sibling bond but now I only found it annoying.

“What?” It came out harsh. I meant it that way too.

“Woah okay, jeez I didn’t…” Belly backed off, and the looks that were shot at me were almost humorous. How I was the bad guy somehow. Like they hadn’t ruined everything.

“I’m leaving.” Going to stand up, the others stood with me. Sensing the mood shift. I was closing off, they knew that, they didn’t want that. Not when I’d been getting so much better.

“No, come on stay. Connie-“ Belly started again.

“No! Don’t talk! I’m leaving. There’s no reason for me to be here. Honestly. Does anyone see Y/n? Cause I don’t.” I waited for someone to speak up, to piece together the puzzle. When they all remained focused on what I had to say I let it overflow.

“Coming out here was the best part of my day. My summer. It was the one time I got to see her, she Y/n. And you-you just took that! She won’t even talk to me anymore because of you guys! And, and you didn’t even ask me. You just did it.”

“Shit, I had no idea. We thought Y/n liked us around. I mean-“ Whatever Jeremiah had as an excuse didn’t matter. I couldn’t stop.

“Did you even ask? You guys don’t even know her!”

“We do!” Belly argued.

“No you don’t! Not like I do. I mean, how could you? Did you know she hates big crowds? How it makes her anxious being around so many people? Or how about how she can’t stand being talked over. Her number one pet peeve? No. Or-or what about how much she loves sad books? The ones that make her cry so bad she gets a headache. How she’s so obsessed with romantic movies that she can quote them backwards. Did you notice how she picks at her nail beds when she gets nervous? And her legs bounce? She tucks her hair behind her ears and can’t look anyone in the eyes when she lies? How the beach is her favorite place but she can’t stand the smell of seaweed!” I hadn’t meant to go on a rant. Listings all the basic things about her to the tiniest details only her and I would know. I felt my face get hotter the longer I yelled, growing closer to the others, my head hurt and my throat ached but it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t matter until I had my Y/n back and everything went back to how it was before. Just us.

Their eyes were wide, some glassier than others and mouths agape. My chest heaved, everything felt weighted down. My lungs felt like they’d were closing everything was burning. I had to leave, I had to go.

Quick as my feet would carry me, I fled. Far away from where the others stood. Their voices yelled, but they felt more distant. The ringing returned in my ears, louder, more deafening. I couldn’t stop. Not until my bedroom door was locked and the sheets pulled over my head. I wanted to punch something, but found it in myself to refrain. I bottled it up, opening my phone shakily. She hadn’t sent anything else. I texted her again.

“Okay, goodnight Y/n/n. See you tomorrow? I love you.” I caught it before I sent it. Taking it back.

“Okay, goodnight Y/n/n. See you tomorrow?”

There was no response. I hoped she was just asleep, I couldn’t bare the idea that she was ignoring me.

Growing up, I’d known the Fisher brothers more than I knew myself. I knew who they were, what they did. I knew to go to Jeremiah when I needed help, but to seek Conrad’s advice when I really needed to think it through. He was less spontaneous. Really sat with things. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. Because he was so mature. So level headed and calm.

Never had I seen him like that. Never had I expected to see him like that.

Seeing Conrad laying so closely to another girl, one who seemed to glow under the early morning sunlight and somehow was completely unaffected by the intimacy of it. It made me jealous, how close they seemed. How she looked like it didn’t matter. How it didn’t matter when it’s all I’d ever dreamed of.

I drowned in jealousy, imagining it was myself next to him, not Y/n. Not the ungrateful girl who was totally unaware to how my heart was breaking just looking at them. I truly believed I could handle it. Seeing his hookup, fine. He was a college kid. Who says they can’t do that? Why was I being immature?

But she wasn’t a hookup. She was a friend. Something that should’ve relieved me, but it didn’t. Because I saw the way his eyes avoided ours, searching hers to make sure she was okay. I saw how gentle he was when they walked. How when he’d offered to drive her home his hand ghosted over the small of her back. Not even waving goodbye, looking back. So encapsulated by her. It made it even worse.

He was in love with someone else. Someone who didn’t appreciate him as I did. I hated it. I hated knowing she got the special moments in his life. The quiet nights alone, talking and getting closer. I got envious. I craved it, wanting that so badly. I saw things through rose colored glasses.

Conrad liked us. I saw the way his lips quirked up when we swam, my legs swung around Jeremiah’s neck and Steven sat on top of his. I knew he adored the chicken fights and how he secretly loved the old black and white movies. He would never share it, but the way he focused in, mouth stuck open mid chew showed otherwise.

I became selfish in that, convincing myself and the others that it was great idea to crash their plans. See what was happening. I wanted to have those intimate moments that she had. I wanted Conrad for myself.

“Are you sure?” Steven had questioned, watching Jeremiah mix together a bunch of various fruits into one big mush.

Jeremiah looked just as skeptical. Unsure if it was the best idea, if it was overstepping. I may not have been ‘mature’ enough for Conrad, but I was always the most persuasive of the bunch. Even if I lost the fight, I could find a way to win the war. If I couldn’t have Conrad then, I would now.

So we decided on it. We’d stay awake, pilled together in Stevens room. It was directly beside Conrad’s. No matter how quiet he was, the hallway had one connecting floorboard the reaches under the door frame. When he stepped just right, it would creek and we would know he was leaving then. He was being careful, it was obvious. Moving slower, his hands bracing the walls so hard they groaned. He left the back door unlatched. His footsteps even and in a tiptoeing fashion. That was until the oak steps. The way he took off was almost comical. I’d never seen him in such a hurry. It made my heart sink all over again. Setting in the fact that Conrad had never done that for me. Never been so excited he just couldn’t wait, taking off just to be close.

Any second thoughts that I had went out the window, shoved down deep inside until they were to buried away they almost didn’t exist.

I wanted to hate her when we crossed paths again. I wanted to make snide remarks and unleash all the back handed compliments I could think of. But I couldn’t. She was so kind, so down to earth. She was quiet, reserved. But she didn’t shy away from anyone’s questions. Answering them truthfully and making them interesting. She was like the female Conrad, only less moody.

I wanted to be around her more. She was like the friend I’d always wanted in Conrad. So easy to talk to. If I closed my eyes it was almost like talking to Conrad in some twisted way. The more we talked, the less I realized she had stopped. It shifted from learning about her to reminiscing on old memories that excluded her. I hadn’t realized she was being shut out. Nor did I see her uncomfortable shifting or nervous tendencies. I wouldn’t have come back the next night if I had, but I didn’t. So when Conrad helped her make an escape, I assumed it was because of only his feelings. Not even considering hers.

The next night came and it was just the same, but Y/n was quieter and so was Conrad. It didn’t feel as light. Y/n leaving was only solidifying that fact. It felt more of a hangout between the three of us, Conrad and Y/n just there. It felt wrong. And it was wrong. It wasn’t my place to be. It wasn’t our place to be. It was Conrad and Y/n’s. It was then I decided I couldn’t bury my regrets anymore. I had to apologize. So I planned.

I planned if for the next night. The moment I saw her I would apologize. I wouldn’t give her a second to breathe. I would back off, as long as everything would be fixed. I wasn’t the most mature, but I didn’t want anyone to be hurt. Not even in my worst heartaches. I just wanted everything to fit together perfectly.

All my life I’d seen myself with Conrad. But he was never mine. So it became more and more apparent that maybe the perfect puzzle coming together wasn’t one that pictured me and Conrad together. It was one of Y/n and him, it was clear now. Now when she was upset, he was too. Only happy when she was.

She didn’t show up that night. At first I believed just what Conrad did. She was late. But with the moon rising and the air getting colder, it became more clear she had bailed. I saw his eyes dull, his posture falter. He looked defeated. I wanted to make it better. I wanted to fix it, but I couldn’t. I already did the damage. It was broken because of me, I caused it.

That night I lie awake, the ceiling get lower and lower. I debated knocking on Conrad’s door. Explaining myself, but I knew it would be no use. So instead I spent the time lying awake, praying that tomorrow would be better. That it was just a fluke and Y/n was only feeling unwell. That I hadn’t ripped apart row beautiful people in my own selfishness.

…

The next morning came and went. The light reflecting off the water and laughter just as loud as the day before. Cousins was alive again. The night almost slipping completely away. But as everyday does, the sun slipped behind the horizon and the day turned into afternoon, and that into night. And with the stars so high in the sky, scattered like splattered paint on a blank canvas, Conrad’s silhouette sat still in the same spot as always.

You couldn’t see it from the beach house, but if you leaned over the railing of the old oak stairs just enough, there he would be. In my head I saw her walking towards him, a smile would be on his face and he would stand up quickly to greet her. But Y/n never showed. And Conrad sat out there until the sun began to rise. His bed untouched, eyes tired. He did the same the next day, and the day after. Still, Y/n never showed. And she never reached out either. It was obvious, the way Conrad’s phone never chimed. Notifications only on for her now, waiting for her. Something only I noticed. But she was gone, quicker than she had came and the guilt that settled was suffocating I had ruined everything.

I couldn’t stand it after the third night. Watching him wait hopelessly for someone who wouldn’t show. It would’ve been pathetic if it wasn’t so romantic. Even his text messages left stranded.

“Is everything okay between us? I’m sorry.”

“Y/n/n are you coming? Should we just call it a night?”

“Goodnight, Y/n/n. See you soon?”

It was something I’d never seen in him before. Watching his fingers dance over the keyboard only to erase and retype millions of times. Overthinking the same way I did to him. I couldn’t bare it. Maybe if be out of guilt, or the selfish need to make Conrad happy, not hate me. But with a bit of digging and the use of Conrad’s phone, I had her number typed up. I swallowed, what would I say? It’s me, the girl who ruined the one hood thing Conrad had going in his life, sorry by the way. No, there was no good way to put it. But it had to be done, so I clicked it and let the phone ring.

“Hello?” Her voice cracked through the phone. It was quiet other than her voice. Only the faint noise of some nineties sitcom playing in the background filling it with something other than awkward ringing.

“Is this Y/n?” It was a stupid question. I knew it was. I knew her voice.

“Yea, who is this?” She was unsure, but something told me deep down she knew it was me.

“This is uhm…this is Belly.”

“Oh.” Her end went quiet. Only the television telling me that she hadn’t hung up yet.

“I know I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but please hear me out.” I sighed. She nodded, I could hear the shifting of her head crack through the speakers.

“I want to say sorry. I know, I know it’s too late now, but it’s been eating at me and I had to tell you before the summer ended. I’ve loved Conrad since I’ve known what the word meant. He was always the older, kinder brother in my eyes. The only person who included me when everyone was so willing to give up. I idolized him for so long. Seeing him with someone else, someone he idolized like I did to him, it made me sick with jealousy. I couldn’t stand it, and I know that’s wrong. So it’s my fault that everyone crashed the nights at the beach. I was the one who plotted against you guys and I’ve never regretted anything more. The moment you didn’t show up, Conrad really laid it onto all of us. We were so caught up in ourselves, we-I didn’t see how it was affecting the two people the night really meant the most to.” I heard a heavy sigh in the middle of my ranting.

“Belly, this is sweet and all but-“ She started, sounding more defeated that Conrad had looked somehow.

“No, please. Please listen to me, please.” I wanted to cry. I almost did. I didn’t though, I found the strength to hold it together in my most desperate moment, it wasn’t about me. “That boy knows you better than anything he’s ever known in his life. He knows your likes and dislikes. What you love and what gets you going. He has your mannerisms memorized and your favorite movies. He defends you like his life depends on it and I know it’s my fault you guys aren’t talking, but please, he loves you more than he can show and he’s been sitting out there every night for the past few days waiting for you to show. Please go see him. If not for me than for him? Even if it’s only just one more time, give him the closure. Please.” There was no response, I could feel her hesitating.

“Okay, Belly.” She sounded like she wanted to say more. Like she was thinking something else. She didn’t though. She kept it in her head and responded in the simplest way she knew.

“Goodnight, Y/n.”

“Goodnight, Belly. And hey, don’t worry about me, okay? Take care of yourself.” I wanted to answer, but the line went dead before I could. Now all I could do was hope that maybe I made a difference. Maybe tomorrow Conrad wouldn’t be the only person sitting on that beach.

The call came unexpectedly, the number unknown. The naïve part of me wanted it to be Conrad. Reaching out through another persons cellphone because he knew I wouldn’t answer him. I wasn’t ready. The logical part of me knew better. And that part was right, because the voice that greeted me nervously on the other end wasn’t deep or slow. It was shaky and airy. Quick and higher pitched. It was Belly’s voice.

I knew it was Belly, the moment she even asked. But I lied to her and myself, acting like I had no idea. I didn’t want to hear her voice. It was like a reminder of what had happened. A reminder of who had started it. But I wasn’t mad at Belly, it wasn’t her fault. How could she have known things would get ruined, she was only excited? Or, jealous she confessed.

She had purposefully intruded on us, she had seen how it was ripping us apart and she continued to. She blamed herself and became the bigger person.

How could I tell her that it wasn’t just her? Yes, sure what she had done had started this all, but it was so much more than that. Conrad had been the final break. He was the one avoiding my eyes, treating me like a parasite whenever we weren’t alone. I was his secret, and it was clear he wanted it to stay that way.

I was never meant to be more. Why would I be when he couldn’t even stand to be seen with me? I was his secret, playing the role of a stranger when he’d see me on the street. Each glance random and short. I didn’t want to play that role anymore. I tried to get past the uncomfortableness of the expanding group, I thought that this could be the change, we wouldn’t be strangers anymore.

But Conrad obviously didn’t want that. No, he didn’t jump at the chance. He shyed away. It caught me off guard, hearing everything Belly had to say. I can’t lie.

Conrad was never the best at sharing his feelings. He would much rather sit in silence in his own self pity than to have to share something so vulnerable. I knew where he came from with that worry. Sometimes it just felt like he’d rather push me away than be honest.

It was refreshing hearing how Belly confirmed he had talked to them. How he truly did know me, he didn’t act like he didn’t. He knew everything about me, without a doubt. Knowing that he didn’t ignore that and felt confident enough to let that be known almost instantly killed all my insecurities I’d gathered about us. So I thought hard on what Belly said.

Conrad was sitting there, waiting for me every night because he cared. Because he wanted to see me, and he didn’t hide that.

Staring at the listless amounts of texts I had been on the receiving end of, all just as concerned and curious. Never one a hint of anger with my behavior, my sudden ghosting. I felt guilty.

He signed every single one off with a simple, “Goodnight, y/n/n. See you tomorrow?” It almost made me forget why I was mad. I couldn’t let these keep collecting, taking up space. Even if I felt nothing but sadness around him now, and everything was gone. Belly could’ve been right.

The longer the night grows on, the more I believe I will fall to the familiar fate of the loneliness the once lively beach brings without her here.

I knew I fucked up. I lied, and ignored. I acted like everything was fine. Like I didn’t care and in that, I hurt the one girl I loved most. The one person I would protect with my life. I hurt Y/n.

It was understandable why she wouldn’t show anymore. It wasn’t what we did. It wasn’t just us. She was being thrown into the exact opposite. Our long talks turned into theres. Her voice no longer ranting about what we liked, but being talked over by the others wants. She was cast away to the background when it should’ve been all about her.

I just hadn’t expected to be completely shut out. Not showing was one thing, but to be completely ghosted was another. It was like we didn’t exist. Like we didn’t know everything about each other. I didn’t need a goodnight text from her, but I would’ve liked one.

“Can I sit?” Looking out at the water, I hadn’t heard someone approaching me. My eyes blurring with the water collecting on my waterline. My throat burned. Biting my lip, I went to nod. Then, from the corner of my eye I saw it.

I knew that face like I knew my own. Her eyes were easily recognizable and her lips were still pulled into that same smile. Only now it was sadder, still just as genuine, but not as big as the last time I’d seen it.

“Y/n, hey.” It came out like a sigh, relief flooding through my body. She came, she was back. It wasn’t over.

She continued to look at me expectantly and only then did I realize she was still waiting. I patted at the sand enthusiastically, almost too eager considering what had happened leading up to now. I watched how carefully she sat herself down beside me. So close but still so distant. Her body angled away, head facing the sky. I could see how hard she was swallowing. I felt the same lump forming that made it just as hard to swallow myself.

“Can we talk?” She broke the silence first, fingers dancing awkwardly around in the sand. She drew stars around the rocks and pebbles scattered in the sand. Keeping her mind more focused on that than the rising desire to break down.

Her lip quivered, I saw it even in the dark. I saw how she blinked rapidly and her chest heaved unevenly. She was upset, she didn’t come here to simply make amends.

“Yeah, hey.” I tried to get her attention, but she could only shake her head. She couldn’t look at me. So instead I took her free hand in mine, playing with her fingers partially to comfort her and also to distract the bubbling sadness in my throat.

“Conrad, what are we?” She finally looked at me, her eyes big, looking into mine. She searched around to see if she could think up what my answer would be.

“We’re…we’re us.” I thought about it hard. The answer seemed to vague but to me it screamed everything. “I mean, isn’t that enough?” I tightened my grip on her hand. I could see my answer wasn’t enough for her.

“Conrad…” She trailed off, like she couldn’t get out what she wanted to. So I finished it off for her.

“No, you’re right. It’s all my fault, Y/n. I mean, these nights, this time we get to be together, I look forward to it every day. It’s all I can think about. You are all I can think about. And-and I guess I just got lost in that. I was just so focused on getting to spend time with you, I didn’t really care about anything else. How expanding who was involved would affect you. And I’m sorry, it was unfair. And I promised I’d fix it, but I didn’t. I fucking didn’t and you were treated horribly because of that. I just-“ I was cut off with a scoff, the sand falling onto my lap as she stood. I followed her quickly, wanting to stay close.

“Are you serious? Conrad I don’t care about anyone else, what they think. They can talk over me all they want. This is about us. About you!” She stepped back, looking around to gather herself. A harsh breath passed through her nose, lips turned down into a frown. “All my life I have spent chasing after you! Your attention. To me, you…you were everything! I used to count down the hours to the next time I could see you again. Conrad, I have spent these past years so embarrassingly in love with you. And you know what’s the worst part? I really thought I had a chance.” I froze at her confession. Her anger and sadness surfacing everything.

“Y/n, woah, woah.” My hands found her shoulders, stopping her with a soft sputter leaving her mouth. “I do, I do.” I promised, voice growing hoarse with the lump growing bigger.

She shook her head, closing her eyes, “Then why, why didn’t you do anything? Why did you make me feel so stupid?” She inched closer, still just as upset.

“I didn’t know, how could I have known? Y/n, I never meant to hurt you. I wouldn’t have done that, you mean everything to me. You’re all I’ve ever wanted.” I was as honest as I could be, the desperation in my voice going from a loud, frustrated tone to a softer, slower tone. I wanted her to know I meant it, but I didn’t want to start a bigger mess.

“I don’t get it, Conrad.” I looked into her eyes, she was crying by now. “You ignored me for days and now all of a sudden you like me? Conrad, you acted like I didn’t exist for days. Like whenever Belly or-or Jeremiah was around I was some stranger. Admit it, you were ashamed of me. I was always just some stupid secret to you.”

“I wasn’t ashamed of you, god, how could I ever be ashamed of you?” She stepped back, my voice loud again to match her volume.

“Then why did you do it? Why did you run?” She was desperate for answers.

“Because I love you! I’m so madly in love with you, it makes me sick. I go to bed some nights and I think that you might be the only girl I could ever love. The only one I could ever be with. And it’s so embarrassing. To be so fucking obsessed with someone that it’s all you can think about! I couldn’t even look at you those nights because I didn’t want anyone to know. I wanted you to know first. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. And them being there only made me more scared. I mean, I’m not nearly as smart as Steven, and I’m not charming like Jeremiah is. I’m not as nice as Belly, I don’t compare. How could I have told you when I’m not enough. I was ashamed of myself.” I could feel my own tears streaming down my face now.

“Conrad, I love you. But I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep being a secret. I’m tired of sneaking around.” Even in her own frustration I felt her hands cup my face, thumbs brushing away my tears. My own hand wrapped around her wrists, not holding but resting there. I let my forehead rest against hers, looking around, trancing a triangle with my eyes around her face.

“Okay, no more secrets.” I agreed, eyes focusing in on hers. Her skin rubbed mine, nodding. There was no going back now. Both having confessed to something that was taking over our lives. Problems dissolving behind it.

Silently, I asked permission. I wanted her to be okay with it, not just kissing to forget about our issues. With the go ahead, I leaned in.

Her lips were soft, warm. Melting together with mine like they meshed perfectly. Made for each other. It was all so slow and sensual, nothing rushed. My hands found the back of her neck, just reaching the edge of the back of her head. Her hands in my hair. It wasn’t messy, or blinded by lust. It was a long time coming, and lasted just as long as both of us wanted.

Secretly I wished I could have her lips on mine forever, wanting to be near her constantly, but her hand in mine was a good substitute, a smile plastered on her face. Bigger than it had been all week, a blush creeping into her cheeks.

“Come here.” With the swiftness of my hands around her and the force of my body hitting hers, we tumbled around in the sand, laughter and smiles radiating off of each other. The moon grew lower and the sun rose higher, the night turning into the day. Our tumbling turned into a peaceful slumber, arms and legs tangled together to pull us as close together as possible. My lips rested on her forehead, the summer sun was warm and welcoming. It felt like a dream, but it was real life.

“I meant what I said.” She leaned it again, stopping to hear me out, smile stuck on her face. “No more secrets.” The sand stuck to our legs, falling out the backs of our shirts. Her lips chased mine, molding together wetly. She ran in front of me, laughing as I chased her.

“Hurry up, Connie!” She teased, my arms wrapping around her waist. We spun like a romcom couple at the end of the movies, still moving towards the old oak stairs. My lips pressed to her cheek, my own cheeks hurting from how happy I was.

Our feet moved quick, soft laughter and snickering stifled underneath our breath. My hand held hers and our heavy footsteps grew feathery light the closer we inched to the back door.

Through the glass I could see her now, just beyond our reflection stood my mom. A soft smile on her face and her hands working on creating another flower bouquet. She was focused, eyebrows drawn together and tongue pointed out that it was only the creaking of the sliding back door opening that could pull her from her concentration.

“Connie.” The familiar nickname that Y/n called me was one her and my mother shared. Her eyes flickered to Y/n, smile widening. I saw her wipe her hands on the old clothes hung around the oven handles.

“Mom, this is Y/n. She’s, my best friend and my girlfriend.” There was so much more to say, to fill in. I wanted her to know about the nights we spent together, what she liked. When we met, how we met. But that could wait. I still had so many people to share Y/n with.

After all, there were no more secrets.

[v1olentdelights]

When the Party is Over

Conrad Fisher x sister!reader TW: crying and hinting at Susannah's cancer Summary: When your emotions are too overwhelming Conrad is there to help. a/n: this is so short but I didn't know what else to write! I'm sorry, I hope you enjoy it! Also why does the summary sound so stupid?

It was supposed to be a simple get together, maybe a drink or two with some loud music. But what started as a good night, turned sour and you weren’t even sure why. You were fine, completely lost in the music and the drink in your hand. And then you weren’t. Everything was just too much, you had been stressed about the upcoming school year, about your mother, and having to say goodbye to both of your brothers as they went off to college. 

It was your hope that you could just slip away out to the porch alone and have a few moments to recollect yourself before flagging down one of your brothers and asking them to drive you home. As you sat on the porch swing, you had your legs pulled up to your chest, cup in the hand that was holding your legs together and your hair was pulled out a little looser as you hoped to avoid a headache later on. 

It seemed that one of them already had that in mind. You were granted a few moments alone before someone came out to join you. They took a seat next to you on the porch swing. Conrad rested a hand on your knee, he always seemed to find you. Resting your head on his shoulder you let out a heavy sigh. To anyone else it may seem that you are practically begging someone to ask you what’s wrong, but to Conrad, he knew it was simply you letting down those emotional walls. But the tears that began to stain his shirt were also a tell. 

“What’s going on, bug?” The simple statement made your chest feel like it was caving in, because you didn’t know what was wrong. There were so many things to make you stressed out but none of them were making you upset at the moment, of course they affected you but they weren’t the problem. 

“I don’t know.” Bringing your free hand up to aggressively wipe away your tears. “I don’t know why I am the way I am, Connie. I just don’t understand what I am feeling and why I can’t just compartmentalize or something. Because it hurts, and I don’t know where to put everything that I am feeling right now.” Now your face was red and your heart was beating a bit faster, it was like your body wanted to make you feel worse. 

“Lay it on me. I know how you are feeling, and I can’t give you advice because I am still struggling. But share it with me. Because I don’t want you to get lost in your hurt.” Another huff of air left you, and it felt as though he did take the weight right off you. You knew it would take more work than that to let it all go, but he was right, as your brother often is. So you nodded your head in agreement. Then you sat there for a little while, the music still playing and people’s laughter in the background. 

“Let’s go home, I'll call Jere on the way back and let him know. We can make some tea and we can just hang out.” His voice was quieter this time, but just as sure as before. He slowly got up trying not to shake the bench too much, then holding a hand out for you to take, he helped you up and over to his car.

[lemon-jellybelly]

he's so pretty when he goes down on me (gold-skinned eager baby, blue shirt out the laundry)

Waking up early is only good for one thing: Conrad's undivided attention in all of the best ways.

Title from the song "Touch Tank" by Quinnie / crossposted to ao3

Early morning, misty-grey summer light filtered through the window curtains, brightening the space just enough for you to make out the details of the furniture across the room. You weren't sure what had woken you up, but the atmosphere was peaceful, and you were perfectly comfortable in your current position.

Conrad was curled against your back, fitting you neatly into his chest, hips, the bend of his knees. An arm was draped loosely across your waist and there was a dual tickle at the back of your neck, strands of his hair and open lips both brushing lightly against your skin. A single sheet laid over you; in addition to the warm night, Conrad's body acted as your own personal space heather. Silence and still air cocooned you both, encapsulating you in your own bubble. Moments like these were your favorite, when you could almost believe that the entire world was just for you two.

You fought the urge to stretch, not wanting to disturb Conrad. He was so ethereal when sleeping; you had to twist your neck to an uncomfortable degree, but it was worth it to catch a glimpse of his mussed-up hair and barely parted lips. Smiling, you resituated your head onto the pillow, content to luxuriate in being held by him. But despite your efforts, the shuffling broke through Conrad's light sleep. You could feel him stir awake behind you, hear the way his breathing shifted ever so slightly, a particularly intimate knowledge that plucked at your heart strings.

"Morning," He murmured into your ear. His voice was gravelly with sleep, and the rasp resonated with a twinge in your pelvis. You hummed, covering his hand with your own and using an index finger to draw light abstract shapes on his skin.

"Morning." You echoed quietly, reaching for your phone to check the time. "It's still so early."

"Good." He said, lips pressing against the soft spot below your ear. "I don't want to get up yet."

"Me neither. I'd stay in bed all day with you if I could."

"That sounds," he interrupted his sentence with another kiss at the back of your neck, "like a perfect day." In reaction to the shiver he sent down your spine, you dug your nails lightly into the skin just below his knuckles. Conrad's own response to the unspoken conversation was to bury his face further into the side of your neck, finding the seam where throat met clavicle and peppering the skin with kisses of varied pressure.

You were certainly more awake now and beginning to give in to your body's reaction to Conrad. He was still on his side facing you when you finally shifted onto your back to be able to see him. His eyes were beguiling, flickering over your face, and you felt almost compelled to touch him, raising a hand to smooth his hair back and trailing it down to cup his jaw.

"Hi," You whispered, stroking your fingers under his chin. You felt the muscles move in his face as he grinned lazily at you. His own hand came up to circle your wrist, thumb tracing over your pulse point. He simply had to feel the way your heart sped up every time he touched you.

"Hi," He echoed softly. You soaked in the silence for a moment, lost in each other’s eyes, before he began to dip his head down towards you. He was unhurried to the point that he rested his forehead against yours and simply let his hot breath hit your lips, but you were aching for it, tilting your head back in attempt to bring your mouth even closer to his. The tinge of desperation in your uneven exhales finally swayed him and you were rewarded as Conrad deliberately caught your lower lip between his.

He kissed you with fervor, his open mouth hot against yours, an arm on either side of your head caging you in. Your senses were on fire and all you could see, hear, smell, touch, taste, was Conrad, the absolute center of your universe.

You whimpered audibly at the loss when he pulled away to sit up and kneel between your legs. Conrad looked angelic backlit by the blaze of the rising sun, his golden hair illuminated and a hazy glow cast around his body. His frame was still hidden beneath his navy Cousins Beach t-shirt, but you were so familiar with the shape of him that your eyes could trace his contours even through the fabric. Based on the trajectory of his gaze, Conrad was imagining you the same way, fantasizing about your curves underneath the shirt you wore - which was also his, this one a faded remnant from a long-ago surf competition.

As his eyes moved farther down your body, you fiddled with the hem of the shirt, pulling it up slowly to expose your thighs, your panties, lower abdomen. You heard Conrad's breath hitch and saw the corresponding tick in his throat, but when you went to remove the shirt fully, he stopped you.

"Leave it on." He instructed huskily. "You look so sexy in my clothes." You looked down at him through your eyelashes, reveling in the way his expression had darkened with lust.

"I'll have to wear them more often, then." You teased sweetly, letting your arms fall to your sides.

He groaned. "If you do, you’re going to get sick of me touching you."

You arched an eyebrow. "I could never.”

"Promise?"

“Absolutely.” You whispered.

“Good. Because I’ll never get sick of it, either,” he admitted, shuffling to the edge of the bed so that he could lean forward and rest on his elbows. “Touching you is my favorite thing to do." Without waiting for a response, he settled between your legs and directed his attention to your body.

You could only gasp quietly as he made contact. His jaw was lax as he nuzzled into your inner thigh, pressing feathery kisses there. The tips of his nose and eyelashes fluttered against the sensitive skin as well, making warmth reverberate in your stomach. His mouth trailed up to the apex of your thigh, ghosting over your panties to continue down the other leg.

"Con," You whimpered quietly, combing your fingers through his silky hair.

"I know," he murmured, continuing on just as painfully slowly. "It's okay, just let me make you feel good." You mewled appreciatively, dropping a hand to knead his shoulder gently. The muscle contracted beneath your fingers, tensing then almost instantly relaxing into your touch.

His own hands skimmed up the backs of your thighs, propping them up to ensure he had the best angle possible to tease you. His palms warmed your skin from behind and his mouth from the front, culminating in a heat between your legs that bordered on comforting and overwhelming. Your body was beginning to react in earnest, hips inching off the bed to meet Conrad's mouth, thighs clenching only to be gently peeled apart once again.

"Keep 'em open for me," he instructed.

You pressed the palms of your hands into your eyes, trying to tune out the flutters of your stomach enough to speak. "I'm trying," you promised. But the careful avoidance of the most sensitive parts of your body was truly becoming unbearable.

You weren't even aware of the near-constant whimpers falling from your lips until Conrad heard and took pity on you, resting his chin atop your thigh. "Poor baby," he said, pouting in a mostly sincere but partly sardonic display. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you."

There was a moment of intense relief when his tongue finally swept over your hot skin and made contact with your throbbing clit. But the feeling of bliss was short lived: Conrad was content to continue at the same leisurely pace as before, taking his sweet time to kiss, lick, suck you. His touch was intentional and determined yet soft and gentle, like he knew the limits of your delicate body.

"Oh my God, Con," you moaned, fighting the urge to clamp your thighs around his head. Instead, you rested a foot on his shoulder blade, unwittingly nudging him deeper into you as you curled your toes into the fabric of his shirt. You smoothed his hair behind his ear with your opposite hand, letting your fingers linger at the crown of his head. "Oh, please, baby," you whined. "You're so good, feels so good."

Emboldened by the encouragement, he spread your legs just a bit further and used his thumbs to do the same to your pussy. He moved at the same speed, but now he was able to nudge his tongue deeper inside you, making you squeak and tremble below him.

The entire act was relaxed, the room around you tranquil, the bond between you easy and loving and without expectation. You felt comfortable in your skin and your contact with Conrad in a way that transcended sexuality. Which is why you were so surprised when your body suddenly tipped into orgasm, your muscles tensing and breath quickening.

Conrad pulled back slightly to rest his face on your thigh again, pressing his wet lips to the skin as he watched you climax. "That's it," he cooed. "Good girl, let it go." One hand stroked your inner thigh soothingly, the other moving to rest palm-up on your stomach. Almost immediately, you slipped your hand over his, intertwining your fingers together.

As your heart rate slowed to normal and your limbs relaxed, you lolled your head to the side. Letting out a low exhale, you made eye contact with Conrad.

"You okay?" He asked softly.

You smirked ever-so slightly and reached out a thumb to trace his swollen lips and down the curve of his still-slick chin. "I'm fantastic." He grinned, kissing the tip of your thumb. "Come here," you said.

He was eye-level with you in seconds and you kissed him needily, sucking the remnants of your own taste off his tongue until he felt you stifle a yawn. Conrad flopped onto his back and hugged you into his chest once again. "Falling back asleep on me already?"

"Sorry," you said through another yawn, your body feeling weightless as you settled in. “That took a lot out of me.”

He let out a soft snort of laughter. “Me, too, baby. But it’s still early. Let's just lay here a little while longer." If you weren't so exhausted, you would've sprawled beside him imagining yourselves waking up to each other for the rest of your lives. But that could wait. Right now, with Conrad's nimble fingers skimming down your back and his heartbeat drumming in your ear, you fell right back asleep.

[percabething]

Is It Over Now?

Pairing: Conrad Fisher x reader

Word count: 1.2K

Synopsis: you always thought the worse thing that could happen was losing him, but it was losing you.

warnings: angst, underage drinking, jealous belly, Conrad being low key toxic.

hi hi hi. I’m new in the fanfic side of tumblr and this is my first fic and it’s based on the new Taylor Swift song “Is it over now” ^^. I really hope you guys like this! also english is NOT my first language so if I made any mistakes I’m so sorry. Enjoy! Also if anyone knows how to enable the request thing pls, pls show me😭

It was the night. Tonight Nicole’s throwing her madly known summer batch. Absolutely everyone was going. You were getting ready with Belly at the Fisher’s. You’ve always loved them, the Fisher’s. You loved that house and you also loved Conrad Fisher.

He, for you, is everything that’s right. You and Conrad have always been close. He is the one you went to when everything was wrong and he always found a way to make everything right. Now here you were getting ready with Belly. You were almost done when both of you heard a knock on the door. It was Jeremiah.

“Are you guys almost done? You guys always take wayy too much time getting ready.”

After that Steven chimes in and says jokingly “Right! And for. What is not like you guys are getting any tonight”. Belly shoves him to the side and rolls her eyes “Shut up Steven, if anything you’re the one not getting any tonight”.

She points to his shoes. His shoes had a drawing of Homer Simpson on them. “What? The Simpson are so in right now” You laugh at the scenery, but you can’t help but wonder where Conrad is.

“Steven, have you seen Conrad?” You ask.

“Um, he was downstairs just a bit ago.”

“Oh.” you said.

You couldn’t help noticing the way Belly’s head turned when you mentioned Conrad. “I've got to, um get my hairbrush i think i left it in the living room, i'll be right back” you said standing up and getting out of the door. Belly’s eyes following your body as you close the door behind you.

Once you’re downstairs you see Conrad. He has his feet in the pool and he’s smoking. A habit he’s been feeding into way too much in your opinion. You walk out and sit next to him.

“Hey.”

You said. You and Conrad were always so different. You were this combination that just worked perfectly. But this summer it has been so different.

“Hey.” he says back. Not trying to continue the conversation.

“So.. are you going to Nicole's thing, you know with us?” You said turning your face to face his side profile. He looked so beautiful. His blue eyes shining as the moon reflected on them.

“Yeah, just for a bit though” The last part made you curious. Conrad Fisher was someone who couldn’t resist a hell of a good party and for some reason this summer he was so out of touch with everyone and everything, and you’d be lying if you said that it didn’t hurt you the way he’s been brushing you and everyone he loves, away.

“Well, I don't think you should leave the party early.” You turned your body to the front and looked up to the moon. It was a full moon tonight. As you were looking up, Conrad was staring at you the whole time. His eyes focused on the way your lips looked so good with that maroon lipstick you had on. How that eyeshadow that you were wearing made your eyes pop up. In his eyes, you looked like the moon.

“You know I read somewhere that on full moon days, you have 63% to meet your soulmate.” As you said that, you turned to look back at him and noticed how he was staring at you. His lips formed a half smirk.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah!” You said chuckling and the two of you laughed when you heard someone walking into you guys direction. It was Belly. She looked at you and Conrad together and took a heavy breath.

“We’re leaving so..” Conrad took his feet out of the pool and put on his sandals and without even turning to you, he followed Belly out. It was always like this with Conrad, some days you and him would have a connection but then he was reminded that belly existed.

All of you guys arrived, the place was absolutely packed. Quickly you guys separated. Belly was with Nicole and her friends and you tagged along since, you really didn't know anyone from this scene.

All the time your eyes scanned the room for Conrad. You saw him. He was with a brunette girl with dark brown eyes. She was wearing a green dress with some very cute sandals. In a way the girl he was talking to, reminded you of Belly. In your head you surmised that since she looks so much like Belly he would probably date her.

To get your head off him, you started talking to this guy, you couldn’t even remember his name all you knew was that both of you were in a very intense make out session and that you could definitely taste straight up tequila in his mouth. You opened your eyes and Conrad was looking at you as he took a sip of his beer. He quickly looked away, and that’s it. You couldn’t keep your tongue down this random dude's throat. You stopped him and told him that you were going to the bathroom. You cleaned the smushed lipstick from the sides of your lips.

You knew Conrad and you were never meant to be. But sometimes you don't understand. Were you the only one who felt the sparks whenever your eyes would lock in crowded rooms? You got out of the bathroom and you decided, since this night was kinda sucking and you couldn’t get your mind off Conrad, to get drunk as fuck.

To help me loosen up. You told yourself.

It was one drink, after another. You were having the time of your life. Dancing and talking to people. You were the best thing at this party. You were dancing to every song that came on. Until you saw something in the corner of your eye.

Conrad and Belly were talking. And usually you wouldn’t give that much thought into it, you knew they’ve known each other since they were babies. But this wasn’t a normal conversation. Conrad was leaning into the wall and Belly was laughing at whatever the hell he was saying. He whispered something in her ear and when he backed up Belly leaned in and kissed him.

Your heart dropped to your stomach. Your mind was traveling to so many places you didn’t even know what to do. You were sweaty, and drunk and now completely heartbroken. You passed in front of them. You made eye contact with both of them.

“Fuck you.” You said to Conrad.

And to Belly, you couldn’t even say anything. It was like the words just got stuck on your throat and couldn’t get out of there. So you just looked at her and got the hell out of there. You didn’t have a ride. So, you went to the beach and sat on the sand.

You hated that the only thought you had was to get in the water and scream and drown just to see Conrad running and say the one thing you’ve been wanting. Which was that he loved you.

But he didn’t. So you sat there. And sunk your feet in the sand and didn’t call anyone. Not your mother, or any friend. Just you and the ocean thinking. It 's over now.

[pascaloverx]

Stranger?

Part Five

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Author's note: This fanfic is set in the creation of Jenny Han. Conrad Fisher and other characters mentioned in the future do not belong to me. I hope you like this fanfic, depending on how it goes, I'll decide if this fic will have more parts or just this one. This fanfic is recommended for all audiences, there will be no adult content in it, only possible inappropriate language and alcohol consumption.

You wake up feeling something warm next to you, as if you were curled up. When you remember that you and Conrad slept together last night. In your car, in the middle of the night. You notice Conrad is underneath you, sleeping like a baby. But as soon as you wake up you feel how uncomfortable it is to sleep in the back seat of the car, letting out a groan of pain with each attempt to get out from Conrad's arms.

"It's not polite to wake someone up like that, you know?" Conrad still speaks with his eyes closed and you smile slightly as if you had been caught doing something wrong.

"Why aren't you polite? I did my best not to wake you up." You say indignantly.

"Don't leave my arms before I wake up, I might feel abandoned." You laugh, watching him make drama.

"Next time I'll wake you up with slaps, I want to see if you'll like it." You say, standing up and helping Conrad get up too.

"Sleeping in this car was a thousand times better than I ever imagined, you know?" Conrad smiles charmingly, looking into your eyes as he says that. Considering how you both spent last night, you might expect him to complain about a sore back, but it seems like sleeping together was worth it.

"I would have preferred to sleep in a bed, but I can't deny that your company isn't the worst..." You say, teasing Conrad.

"I'd be offended if I didn't know from what we went through yesterday that you loved my company." Conrad says, all proud, and you look at him disapprovingly.

"Changing the subject, where did your brother and Belly go?" You try to shift the topic before it gets awkward.

"They went to sort out their couple issues in Jeremiah's car." Conrad speaks with such subtlety that you wouldn't even think he's one of the issues in that couple.

"Don't you think we should invite them for coffee somewhere nearby?" You say, wrapping your arms around Conrad's shoulders. You even run your fingers through his hair gently, hoping he'll support your idea.

"I think we could go back to the car and drive far away from them..." Conrad's suggestion comes in a joking tone, but you sense that it might be what he's really feeling.

"Unfortunately, Prince Charming, this Cinderella needs to get home before her mom starts worrying." Knowing your mother, she would send half the world after you before the end of the day if you didn't go home soon.

"No problem. I'll take you home after breakfast." Conrad says with a gentle smile. You watch him closely as he hugs you from behind, resting your head on his chest.

"If you're taking me home, let's at least say goodbye to Jeremiah and Belly. What kind of first impression will they have of me if I don't even wave goodbye?" You say, holding Conrad's hands tightly around your body. The truth is that it's a little cold on the beach and Conrad is a great substitute for a blanket.

"First impressions are overrated; let's save the good impression for the second time." Conrad suggests, and you feel like he's hinting that you'll see them again, possibly meaning you'll keep seeing him too.

"Let's say goodbye to your brother and Belly quickly before I leave you alone with them and take off." You say, pretending to threaten. Conrad looks at you as if unsure if you're joking or not but ends up laughing before you both go to bid farewell to Jeremiah and Belly.

As you and Conrad approach Jeremiah's car, you notice that he and Belly are lying together, with Jeremiah tenderly caressing her. You sense that this might bother Conrad, so you glance at him, offering some form of comfort. However, he seems surprisingly okay—almost as if yesterday's argument with Belly never happened. You allow yourself to imagine that he's moving on, perhaps even becoming enchanted by you.

"The lovebirds could do us the favor of coming to say goodbye." Conrad says, tapping on Jeremiah's car window. The couple in front is taken aback, and you scold Conrad, giving his arm a playful smack.

You turn away, attempting to give Belly and Jeremiah some privacy. Conrad gives you a mockingly complaining look about the arm smack. You murmur a "serves you right" as you run your hand over the "injured" arm.

"I thought we were going to have coffee together..." Jeremiah says, adjusting himself while Belly fixes her slightly tousled hair. You smile, realizing that not even you and Conrad managed to do that.

"The princess here needs to go home, and I can't let her go alone." Conrad says, surprising you with how he skillfully turns things in his favor.

"No need for that. You can stay with your brother, and I'll go home just the way I came here—alone." You assert. Jeremiah and Belly seem to be enjoying the spectacle as Conrad reacts to the suggestion that he stays with them.

"As you can see, she needs me. But honestly, I'd like to thank both of you for coming here looking for me." Conrad declares, catching you off guard. Even though you've known Conrad for a short time, you can't help but feel a certain pride in him.

"Whatever you did to him, keep doing it." Jeremiah says, addressing you. "But honestly, no need to thank us. Both Belly and I care about you and just want to see you well." Jeremiah looks at both you and Conrad. It's heartwarming to see how these siblings genuinely care for each other.

"And sorry if the three of us went too far yesterday, making our first time together seem weird. I promise next time we'll try to be better..." Belly apologizes, addressing you.

"Don't worry, I heard first impressions are overrated. I think next time, everything will be better." As you say this, there's a shared understanding among the group, and a sense of relief washes over. Conrad shoots you a grateful look. With smiles exchanged, you and Conrad finally head off, leaving Jeremiah and Belly behind.

"You know you just confirmed that you'll see them again, which means I completely seduced you, and you'll keep seeing me." Conrad speaks using a mischievous tone. You look at him in disbelief.

"I don't remember mentioning you. I think you need to improve your hearing, babe." You say as you stand as the two of you are getting into the car. You and Conrad then decide in the car that you will go after his car and that he will follow you home. You say there's no need but Conrad doesn't seem to want to let you get home unaccompanied. You smile as he says that from what he observed yesterday, my mother wouldn't like him if he wasn't a real gentleman to me. You smile, feeling defeated by the fact that he wants to meet your mother and want to see you again. For a few moments you wish he wasn't there in love with someone else. You then make your way to your house...

[harrysloveboat]

I’ve been working on a JJ and Conrad edit for the what’ll you give me if I do fic and it SUCKS but I’m still gonna watermark it😭😂

[frickingnerd]

dating post-game conrad

pairing: conrad x gn!reader

tags: fluff, mention of marriage & (adopting) children

you and conrad first met when he was still known as the masked knight and fell in love with each other while fighting alongside celica and the others

though the two of you only were able to have a normal relationship once duma was defeated

while celica and alm became the rulers over valentia, conrad wanted to live a normal life with you, instead of returning to being nobility

though that didn't mean he'd leave behind everything! he still remained close to celica, as she was the only family he had left

celica and you had always gotten along well, but now that your relationship with her brother was getting more and more serious, she started to treat you more like family than a friend! 

celica is really happy that conrad found someone as caring as yourself. she can see how happy you make conrad and that's all that matters to her! 

celica and alm's relationship moves much faster than yours with conrad and the two of them are quickly married and start having children

once conrad becomes an uncle, he can't help but desire to have children of his own with you! 

getting married and having his own family had always been his dream, since he didn't have a happy family life, but he never wanted to push you towards anything you didn't want

what matters most to him is that he's by your side! anything else is only secondary! 

though if you do want to get married and have some children with conrad – maybe even adopt some, since that's an option he's heavily leaning towards – he'll agree to it in a heartbeat! 

but if you prefer to not have any children with him, then he doesn't mind staying uncle conrad for celica and alm's children instead! 

conrad is content with living in the now with you and taking every day as it comes

though sometimes he likes to reminisce about the times when the two of you first met

he still has that mask he wore back then and sometimes he puts it on again and slips back into his masked knight persona to joke around with you a little

ever since you confessed to him that you found his mysterious nature quite charming and attractive back then, he still plays the part of the masked knight for you from time to time~

[paigethepisces]

The Summer It All Fell Into Place - PART 2

summary - first kiss and bbq xo

word count 1651

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We were there in each other's arms for what seemed like forever, but it was only like 30 seconds.  

‘Okay get a room you two’ steven said as mom slapped his arm, Conrad and I just chuckled and let go of each other smiling.  

Conrad got my bag and Jeremiah got belly's, mom and Susannah said they would get the rest later. 

Once we got the bags inside, the three boys tackled belly and picked her up in their arms chanting ‘'Belly Flop’’, I could not stop laughing and I ran outside following them as I watched them throw her into the pool. They all turned to stare at me, I tried backing up and belly screamed ‘RUN’  I was running but my legs were not moving quick enough, then it happened. Conrad got my waist, steven got my legs and Jer grabbed my arms.   ‘NO’ I screamed ‘I’m not any part of this!’ I shouted  The boys chuckled ‘You’re making up for lost time’   ‘1’ …. ‘2’ …. ‘3’....   That was it, they threw me in, I surfaced, and the three boys were all laughing. Me and belly looked at each other. Game Plan.   ‘Ow’ belly exclaimed, ‘y/n landed on top of me, Jer please help me out’ she said, putting a sad voice on.  ‘Con, that was not funny, I landed on belly and hurt my ankle please help me out’   They both made their way to the edge of the pool and put their hands out, right on que we pulled them both in with us. 

They surfaced the water and we started to splash them; their faces were a picture. They did not know whether to be angry or laugh so they just kept their poker faces until they both jumped on Belly and Is back to dunk us under and we came back up spluttering. Steven ended up jumping in and we ended up playing chicken for about an hour and bit, obviously my team won. 

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The sun had just set, we had all just had a BBQ and the three boys appeared in the porch doorway dressed up ready to go out.   ‘going anywhere fancy?’ I spoke up  ‘nope, just to the bonfire’ steven said looking between himself and the other two  ‘Maybe we were not cool enough for an invite’ I said, looking over at belly  she turned to look at me and let out a laugh, ‘we will have our own fun’ she said with a wink  ‘We did not ask you because we did not think it would be your thing’ Jer said backing up  ‘Then what is our thing?’ I said with a smirk  They all just looked at each other, shrugged and left. What could they say? They just forgot to invite us, or they did not want us there. Either way, I would be going. 

Me and belly must have had the same idea because we both sprinted inside and got our nice clothes on; mom and Susannah did not realize because they were over by the dock having their late-night talk and smoking session. 

We got to the beach; we ended up walking up there because we did not think that far ahead. 

We got there and immediately went to get a drink, I am the best sibling to belly. I don’t care if she drinks, as long as she is responsible.   Jer found us, said the quickest hi and ran off with belly in his hand to go dance. I love them both.    

I was on around my third drink now, a little tipsy and dancing on my own while walking around. There he is, I see him. Conrad. Sat with Nicole and her best girlfriends. They were sat arm in arm, laughing and joking together, I scoff to myself.  

I down my drink and go to the center and completely let loose. Swaying my hips to the beat, no care in the world. I feel some hands on my hips, they do not feel that big so definitely not Connies. 

‘Well, hey there darling’ a voice said from behind me ‘so how come I have not seen you round here before? My name is Cash, what is your name pretty girl?’  I immediately stop dancing and the alcohol rushes to my head; he is just a blurred man Infront of me.  ‘First of all, ew, second of all none of your business’ I say backing away   he scoffs and places his hands on my hips ‘that's no way to talk to a gentleman, how about me and you get out of here?’ he said very dominantly   I look around to see if anyone is looking, but there is no one. Just me and him.  I try to release his grip from my hips, but he just strengthens it and tries to take me off to the side near the pier. I shouted, ‘Get the fuck off me you creep’ Then that is it, I just felt a shooting pain in my hand. I punched him. Conrad came running over and Cash tried getting up off the floor and he kicked him back down. I clutch my hand in pain, and it's got his blood all over it from his nose. Gross.  Steven, Jer and Belly appear next to me all with confused looks on their faces.  

‘what the fuck happened y/n’ steven said  ‘He wouldn’t get off me, wouldn’t leave me alone. H-he tried to take me to the pier in the end, I didn’t know what to do so I just punched him’ I said with tears blurring my vision 

How am I so drunk? I had 3... maybe 4 drinks. 

Conrad said he would take me home and the others could stay there, I do not know what he said exactly but it was something along those lines. My brain is a bit fuzzy. 

‘Con, you didn’t have to do this you know’ I said looking up at him  ‘Do what? I wanted to go home anyway’ he said  ‘Did you though? You looked like you were having a wonderful time’ I said scoffing and speeding up the walking a little.  He looked a bit confused, and then his face changed like a light bulb went off in his brain. ‘Oh that? She is just a friend y/n’ he said as he caught up   ‘Friends don’t look at friends that way Connie, you were all over each other’ I said, and I didn’t dare look him in the eye.  ‘I don't know what you think you saw but it is nothing y/n trust me’ he said  

I just couldn’t carry it on anymore, the rest of the walk home was quiet. Walking side by side, his hands in his pockets and my good hand clutching my bad. 

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We got back to the beach house, door unlocked but the lights are off. They must be in bed.   I walk through the door and Conrad shuts the door behind me. He goes to the breakfast counter and just leans against it with his arms folded over his chest.  ‘goodnight’ I say hurriedly as I make my way past go upstairs.   he grabs hold of my forearm ‘wait’ he says ‘let me clean the blood off and check your hand over first’   ‘No no its okay, I can do that’ I say whilst looking up at him feeling his warm hand against my arm 

I can't look at him the same way he looks at me, he drives me crazy. Those eyes, that crazy hair, the smell of his cologne. It drives me crazy. 

He picks me up and sits me on the breakfast counter ‘let me do this for you’ he said pleading  ‘I don’t really have much of a choice now do I?’ I spoke softly 

He made his way round the kitchen getting the supplies to clean the blood off, and a drink of water for me to sober up a little bit.   he starts to clean it and I wince, it hurts I didn’t think punching someone would hurt.   ‘you’re okay’ he says looking at my hand and stroking his thumb over my knuckles.  ‘You packed a punch there y/n, I'm proud of you’ he laughed, ‘you kicked ass’ he said whilst holding eye contact.  I broke the eye contact and looked at my hand ’thanks’ I said. I don’t know what else to say, drunk me isn't the best person to talk to people they like.  

He finished up and told me it wasn’t broking it was just bruised.  

He stood between my legs, with his hands on the counter either side of me.   ‘You looked beautiful tonight’ he said whilst stroking a piece of hair out of my face  my breath hitched in my throat ‘well, you're not so bad yourself con’ I said as we held eye contact.  

Jesus, he doesn’t know what he does to me. 

I jump off the counter side and just stand there playing with my hands not knowing what to do.  

But we were just staring at each other. Looking into each other's souls.  

I lean up and place a peck on his lips, he just stands there frozen and doesn’t say anything.   what did I just do? Why did I do that?  

Hes going to think I'm weird now 

The door opened and Jer, Steven and Belly came through the door all laughing.  

‘i-I I'm going to bed now, night’ I exclaim and run upstairs not saying another word. Not one.  

I shut the door behind me and lean against it for a moment trying to gather my thoughts. I hope he doesn’t come in, I hope he doesn’t knock. His room is only across the hall. I am so embarrassed.  

I clean my face and jump into bed, I really hope tomorrow is a better day and all this is forgotten. 

[drikawinchester]

i need more fic of conrad fisherrrr

[probably-writing-x]

Missing Piece.

Summary: can you do conklin!reader x conrad where since she’s the oldest sibling, laurel had so much expectations for her and she held a lot of responsibility to the point where she couldn’t even enjoy being a kid. this is gonna sound sad but let’s say conrad chose belly over her but he was really just confused about what he wants which was reader but since her and belly are so similar, he chose belly and the reader had a big argument that led to her being the bad guy and all the stress caused her to just leave cousins and cut contact with everyone. Flash forward like 2 years ( reader is in college and everyone else is beginning college soon ) reader comes back to cousins and everyone is shocked to see she has a son 😭 it doesn’t have to be conrad’s i was thinking it could be like an ex boyfriends or one night stand’s BUT yeah she comes back with a whole kid and she’s so grown now. ( you can add a lil stepdad conrad if you want 😮‍💨 )

Warnings: Discussions of toxic family relations, mentions of unplanned pregnancy

Author’s Note: I’m sorry this is so long but I took this idea and RAN with it! Hope y’all enjoy plz plz plz let me know what you think

You always knew how your little sister Belly had felt about Conrad when you were all growing up. For as long as you could remember, she’d been head over heels for him. She laughed a little harder at his jokes, remembered a little more about everything he said. She loved him.

You weren’t exactly sure when your feelings for Conrad had started, however. He’d always just been a friend. The boy you spent every summer with as the two of you were responsible for babysitting the rest. He’d always just been Conrad. But lately that had felt like it was changing.

The worst part about it all? You couldn’t even tell him how you felt. For the fear of breaking your little sisters heart was worse than letting your own break right in front of you.

“Are you even listening to me (y/l/n)?” Conrad stretches out a leg to kick you from where he sat on the other end of the couch and you look up from your book to see him.

“Um,” You clear your throat, “No, I didn’t hear a word you said.”

He rolls his eyes at you, “I asked if you were coming to the party tonight.”

“Oh, yeah, I hadn’t thought about it,” You shrug, “Is everyone going?”

He shrugs his shoulders, “I haven’t asked everyone. I’ve asked you.”

You smile in return, “Yeah, sure, I’ll come.”

He stretches forward and grabs the book from your hands, “What are you reading?”

“Con!” You exclaim, reaching over his legs to try to grab the book from his hands, “Give it back.”

He laughs and holds it high over his head, away from your reach as you fall forward, hand catching yourself on his chest.

You look up to his eyes and he’s looking down at you with a smirk on his lips.

“Can you please give me my book back?”

“I could,” He returns, the pages still tight between his grip.

“Okay, will you?”

“What’s in it for me?”

There’s something about the way he says the words. Hoarse in his throat, almost catching on his tongue, foreign tone to hear from his lips. You feel the heat increasing in your cheeks and try to ignore it.

“Nothing, just give it back,” You groan, stretching far up enough that your fingertips brush the pages and he eventually releases the book from his grip.

You compose yourself and return to your side of the couch, trying to ignore the deep heat coursing through your cheeks.

“Hey!” Belly’s voice sounds from the doorway as she comes in, “I’m not interrupting am I?”

“No, no, of course not,” Conrad stands up quickly from the couch, “Are you ready to go?”

Belly nods, “Yeah, sure. Are you coming (y/n)?”

You force a small smile in their direction, “I’ll be there in a bit.”

“(Y/n) I really need your help tonight,” Your Mom, Laurel walks into the room in their absence, “We’ve got so much to set up for tomorrow so I’ll need your help with it all.”

You set your book down and look up at her, “Actually I think there’s a party tonight that everyone’s going to so I sort of had plans.”

She brushes you off, busy looking at something on her phone, “Well just cancel your plans.”

“It’s a party, Mom, everyone’s going,” You roll your eyes, “Can’t I just help tomorrow morning?”

“Can you please not make this more difficult than it needs to be?” She shakes her head at you, “You’re eighteen now, aren’t you too old for those kinds of things?”

“Right, yeah, eighteen is the cut off point for having fun,” You stand up from the couch.

“(Y/n) wait!” She calls after you, “I need you to go to-“

“The store, yeah, I just got the list,” You wave your phone in your hand, “(Y/n) Conklin at your service.”

Your relationship with Laurel has never been ideal. You were the oldest of the three of you and so her expectations for you seemed far beyond what she wanted from the others. She was more patient with them, more understanding. You didn’t get that. They got a childhood and you got the responsibility of looking after them. They went to the fair? You had to make sure they all came back in one piece. They went to a party? You had to be the designated driver and make sure neither of them drank too much. Something important going on? They got to be kids whilst you dealt with it like an adult. You grew up too fast and she was to blame for that - her expectations tainting any form of childhood you could’ve held onto.

You step outside and start walking towards your car, pausing when you hear the sound of laughter from the others. Conrad has Belly in his arms, lifting her up from the ground as the other boys try to grab her legs. He’s holding her tight, a bright smile on his face when he looks at her. They’d had that tradition for years. Since you were first coming to Cousins. But you were never a part of it. Because whilst they grabbed Belly and ran her to the pool, you had to help your Mom carry in the luggage and set up everyone’s rooms. Traditions, right?

“(Y/n)!” Jeremiah yells over to you when he catches sight of you, “Are you coming later? We thought we could go to the store and get some drinks before we go.”

He walks over to you and the other boys follow behind.

“Um,” You drag a hand through your hair, glancing at the house, “I can’t come tonight, I’ve got stuff to help my Mom with here.”

“Oh come on, you’re so boring,” Steven groans, “You never come to parties.”

Right, because I’m too busy picking up the slack for you and Belly.

“Yeah, sorry, Laurel’s orders,” You shrug, “Maybe next time.”

“Can you at least stop at the store and use your fake? Thank youuuuu,” Steven yells back as he heads back towards the pool.

You roll your eyes, forcing a smile to the Fisher brothers, “I’ll see you guys later.”

Conrad frowns a little at you, “You sure you’re not coming?”

You shrug your shoulders, “I’ll be designated driver, you can just call me when you need picking up.”

He smiles faintly and watches as you head towards your car, your shoulders dropping as you let out a sigh. Laurel’s orders.

———

You spend the night helping your Mom and Susannah set up for their charity event before you eventually get a text from Steven asking you to come get them.

You drive across the town to the other end and pull up in front of the house, texting them to say you’re outside.

Only Jeremiah and Steven step out though.

“Thanks for coming,” Jere smiles, sitting in the back seat, “You’re a lifesaver.”

You frown at the two of them, “Where’s the rest?”

Steven laughs, “Don’t get us started.”

“What’s going on?” You ask, glancing back in the mirror to catch Jeremiah’s face, watching as his jaw clenches.

“Conrad and Belly disappeared together,” Steven explains, “They were all over each other, and then the next minute we couldn’t find either of them.”

“So-“ You clear your throat, words seemingly catching on your tongue, “So you don’t know where they are?”

“They’re together, they’re fine,” Steven shrugs, “But god I’m dreading hearing that story tomorrow.”

You swallow the lump in your throat and lock eyes with Jeremiah who just shrugs his shoulders at you. He was your counterpart in this. Him in love with Belly despite his brother. You in love with Conrad despite your sister.

“Can we go?” Steven nudges you, “I’m starving.”

The three of you drive back in relative silence apart from Steven hiccuping every five seconds, until you reach the house and you pull up on the driveway. You make sure to shut the door quietly behind you so that Laurel wouldn’t complain in the morning and the two boys disappear into the kitchen.

“(Y/n) can I eat some of your-“ Steven calls out loudly.

You stick your head around the doorframe of the kitchen and shush him, whispering back, “Eat whatever you want as long as it’s not the food for tomorrow.”

He salutes in your direction and you roll your eyes, walking through into the lounge and collapsing down onto one of the couches. Your Mom would kill you if Belly didn’t come home tonight, and especially if you didn’t have any clue where she was.

So whilst the boys eat and reside to their bedrooms, you wait.

-

It’s around three am when you hear the door open again and two hushed voices coming through into the silent house.

“Is everyone asleep?” You hear Belly whisper and you glance up from the couch.

That’s when you see it. His hand intertwined with hers, his flannel shirt around her shoulders, both of their eyes alight.

“I think so,” Conrad hisses in return as the two of them walk towards the stairs.

She steps up ahead of him but he pauses on the bottom step, glancing into the lounge where his eyes lock with yours. You don’t look away and neither does he, so you watch as he swallows the lump in his throat, his hand dropping from its grip on Belly’s.

You look away then, turning over on the couch so that your back faces them. It’s such a quick response isn’t it? Five seconds and now your throat feels like it can’t breathe air, and your eyes are pricked with tears threatening to spill. You let out a shaky breath and grip firmly onto the cushion beneath your head, your chest feeling tighter and tighter.

———

The following morning you wake up to the sound of voices in the kitchen and you groan at the sudden realisation of how uncomfortable the couch really is.

When you walk through, it’s your brother and sister.

“She’s alive!” Steven laughs, “What happened to you last night?”

You drag a hand over your face, “I-“ Your eyes shift to Belly who’s stood with the faintest smile over her face as she sips her coffee, the look of a girl in love, “I was going to stay awake to make sure Belly got back safe but I must’ve… I don’t know, I must’ve fallen asleep before she got back.”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, we were pretty late,” She clears her throat, “I mean, I was- we weren’t-“

“Come on Bels everyone saw you and Conrad together,” Steven scoffs, “You didn’t exactly make it discrete.”

“Well, I-“ Belly laughs a little, “We just-“

“I don’t think I want to hear this,” Steven groans, “Please spare me the details.”

He takes a cup of coffee from the counter and walks out, his shoulders hanging low.

You take a deep breath and turn back to your sister, pausing for a second. Something about her seems so different - like she’s a whole new person. One piece of her life fallen into place and she was… happy. You swallow the lump in your throat.

“So, you and Conrad,” You mention, your back turned to her as you pull out a pancake mix from the cupboard.

“I don’t even know how it happened,” She shakes her head, “I mean, you all know I’ve had a crush on him since I could remember and then he told me he wanted us to be together and I-“

“He wants you to be together?” You half-choke out the words, your hands feeling weak, your heart numb.

“That’s what he said,” She nods, “We still need to talk about things but yesterday seemed pretty official.”

You blink a couple of times and take a deep breath, pulling your shoulders back a little, “That’s great, Bels, I’m happy for you.”

Before you can say anything more, Conrad walks through into the kitchen, pausing when he sees the two of you.

“Oh, um, morning,” He offers a small smile, letting out a breath.

You nod in greeting, “I’m going to leave you two to it.”

“(Y/n)…” Conrad speaks quietly as you go to leave, his hand reaching out towards you.

You look up at him and there’s a shift in his eyes, a difference in the way he looks at you. Like he knows everything and nothing about what he’s done.

“Never mind,” He shakes his head.

And you’re gone.

———

You don’t see them for the rest of the day. In fact, you don’t see anyone. You go down to the beach at some point in the afternoon and swim in the flat waves and return to the house hours later with damp hair. Your Mom makes a comment about how you need to look presentable for this evening.

You’ve showered and are sat on your bed wrapped in a baggy hoodie and shorts straightening your hair when there’s a knock on your door.

“(Y/n) can I come in?”

It’s Jeremiah.

“Yeah, of course,” You shift on your seat and he steps inside.

“I just wanted to see how you were,” He perches himself on the edge of the bed, looking at you through the mirror.

“I’m okay, this event should be good,” You lie through a smile, fixing the hair around your face.

“(Y/n)…” He frowns at you, “You don’t have to lie.”

“Wh-“

“He broke your heart,” He confirms for you, “And she broke mine.”

You laugh a little, “Well that makes us sound sad, Jere.”

He smiles gently, softly, “It’s okay for you to be upset about it. You don’t have to put on that facade like you normally do.”

“I just-“ You shake your head, “I can’t be upset. I’m happy for Belly, she’s loved him since forever.”

“(Y/n),” Jeremiah waits until you turn around to face him, “You’ve spent your life being happy for Belly, it’s okay for you to let yourself once wish that you were happy for you.”

You look down at the ground and back up, shaking your head a little as tears pool at your eyes, “I just really thought it would be me.”

Instantly, Jere jumps from the bed and hurries over to you, engulfing you in his arms as you bury your head into his chest.

“I did too,” He mumbles as he runs a hand up and down your back.

“God, I’m so stupid,” You laugh, dragging your hands under your eyes, “I need to stop this before tonight.”

He pulls back and holds both of your shoulders, “You’re going to get dressed into your best dress, and you’re going to look beautiful, and we’re going to drink, and drink some more, and we’re both going to forget all about last night. How does that sound?”

You nod your head, “Okay.”

“Okay,” Jeremiah grins, “Now cheer up before you make me cry too.”

You laugh softly, watching him disappear before you let out a shaky breath, turning back to yourself in the mirror and setting your shoulders back to fix your posture.

You could do this.

———

By the time you come downstairs, the house is flooded with people all in attendance for the event. The garden doors are open and people have spilled outside, all mingling between each other as Susannah goes around to greet everyone that she can.

You take a glass of champagne from the tray in the kitchen and tip it back until the liquid empties down your throat, and you grimace a little at the taste.

“Woah, take it easy Conklin,” Steven raises his brows at you as you refill your glass, “You never drink.”

“Yeah, well, it’s a party isn’t it?” You shrug your shoulders, tipping back another glass.

“Who are you and what have you done with my sister?” Steven laughs.

You go to respond but your eyes fall on the pair just across the room. The girl’s fingers fixing the bow tie around the boy’s neck, her hands settling onto his chest soon after, a smile on her face. Belly and Conrad.

“They seem pretty-“

“Yeah, I know,” You respond quickly, “Made for each other.”

“I was going to say full-on,” Steven grimaces, “It’s weird.”

You shrug, “Maybe they’re happy.”

You swallow the lump in your throat and try to ignore the tightening in your chest, sure that you could leave at that sight alone.

How could you do this? How could you be normal with them when it was like this? How could you spend every day with them?

“I can’t be here,” You shake your head, “I need some air.”

You grab a bottle of tequila from the liquor display and take it with you outside, sipping from it before you’ve even got to the garden.

It’s colder as the sun is already setting but another sip of tequila seems to take the edge off just a little, and its already going to your head.

You start making your way around the perimeter of the pool, your steps a little off balance as you teeter across the edge.

“(Y/n)?” Belly’s voice calls from the doorway of the house, “What are you doing out here?”

Your foot spins you to face her and you catch sight of her at the door, a black jacket wrapped around her shoulders. The sight makes your heart sink into your stomach, churning your insides.

“Come on, Mom wants you to mingle wit-“

“I don’t care what Mom wants,” You reply harshly, swigging back the tequila once again.

“Wh- what are you talking about?”

“I’ve done my bit, okay? I’ve done more than my bit. She can leave me alone for one night,” You roll your eyes, “Just one fucking night.”

“What’s going on with you (y/n)? This isn’t like you,” She wraps her arms around herself, the jacket tightening across her shoulders.

“Is that… is that his jacket?”

The rational part of you is unsure as to why you even ask it. But the tequila is almost a third gone now, and you’re not sure the rational is what’s in control anymore.

“We- yeah, he gave it to me to come outside,” Belly confirms, “What’s that got to do with-“

“Did you know I liked him?” You interrupt.

“(Y/n) what-“

“Answer the question,” Your words are harsh, too harsh probably, “When you kissed him last night, when he told you he wanted to be with you, did you know that I liked him?”

“Come on, you know how I’ve felt about Conrad, how I feel about him,” Belly shakes her head, “This isn’t ab-“

“About me? Right, of course it’s not,” You scoff, stepping towards her, “Because god forbid things don’t work out the way Belly wants them to, right? God forbid we’re not all making sure that you’re happy and that things are going your way. God forbid anyone else get a fucking happy ending!”

You know you’re raising your voice, you can tell from the way she flinches as you speak. But that doesn’t seem to matter anymore either.

“You wanted him and so you got him. And me and Jere? We don’t matter, do we? We’re just thrown to the curb so that you can be fucking happy,” You half laugh, “I gave up everything for you, Belly. For you and for Steven, I gave up my whole fucking childhood. I couldn’t be a child because you two needed to be them instead. So I grew up, I stopped going out so I could do chores for Mom, chores that you missed because you were too busy with Taylor or at volleyball or failing your fucking classes. I did it all! I gave up everything. And the one thing it felt like I had was… him.”

You choke out the last word and feel the tears prick at your eyes.

“Conrad was the only one that understood, the only one who knew what it was like to feel responsible for your asses,” You scoff, “And… I gave that up too.”

“You didn’t give him up, (y/n), Conrad chose to be with me!” Belly defends, her voice breaking.

By now, the small crowd in the garden has started to increase to hear what was going on, people slowly starting to trail out of the door until you see the familiar faces.

“Girls, can we try doing this somewhere else?” Susannah steps outside, trying to smile for the guests gathering around.

“(Y/n)!” Laurel hisses, hurrying down to where the two of you stood, “Can you control yourself please? There are guests here!”

You look at her and let out a scoff, “My fault, of course.”

“You should know better,” She mutters to you, faking a polite smile for the people watching.

“Yeah, maybe I should, Mom,” You nod, fighting back your tears, “Excuse me.”

You step away from her and Belly and push your way across the garden, towards the side of the house, past the outdoor shower.

“(Y/n)!” Conrad’s voice approaches from behind you.

You keep walking in your direction, refusing to be interrupted until you feel the grip of his arm around your wrist, turning you around.

“Get off me, Conrad,” You pull away from him but his grip remains.

“Talk to me (Y/n)!” He exclaims, “Talk to me, tell me what’s going on.”

“Tell you what’s going on?” You laugh, “Like you don’t fucking know!”

“l do- What do you want me to say?” He looks frantically between your eyes, dropping his hand from your arm.

“I want you to tell me that it’s Belly you want,” You snap, “I want you to tell me that you feel the same way about her as she feels about you.”

“It’s- I mean… it’s complicated.”

“It fucking shouldn’t be!” You yell back, “You chose her, you should know how you feel about her.”

“Chose her? What… you…”

“Yeah, you fucking chose her!” You push his chest, “I was right fucking here Conrad! I was right here! I’ve always been here,” Your voice cracks and tears spill over your cheeks.

Conrad holds your hands over his chest, like he wants to hold onto a piece of you, “(Y/n) I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know,” You step back, sniffing, “Of course you didn’t.”

“(Y/n)…” His voice trails off as he sees you, the broken version of you that he seemed to cause.

“It’s always been her, hasn’t it? She was Laurel’s favourite daughter, she was the more popular one at school, she’s Susannah’s favourite, she’s… she’s yours. And I was there to just… drive her home, cook her dinner, let her cry, buy her shit to make her feel better. I was just… there.”

He doesn’t speak, watching the way you seem to shrink into yourself at the words.

“I’m never going to be good enough, am I? For Laurel, for this family… for you?”

“(Y/n) please…”

“I’m sorry, I just… I need to…” You clear your throat, dragging a hand through your hair before you hurry inside.

———

You don’t get much sleep that night, instead running over a thousand options in your head before settling on the only one that makes any sense - that you need to go.

By five, you’ve packed up your things into a bag, checked over everything twice to make sure nothing was left behind, and grabbed your keys to head downstairs. The house is silent, and littered with the fancy aftermath of the party. You glance behind you once more and step outside, fleeing towards your car.

“(Y/n)!” Even the sound of your name rings through a trauma from the night before.

You turn around against the bright morning light to see Conrad jogging towards you.

“What are you doing?” He asks you, a frown on his face.

“I’m…” You clear your throat, “I’m just heading out.”

He looks down at the bag in your hand and his shoulders drop, “You’re leaving.”

You take a deep breath, “I… I have to Con.”

“(Y/n) please,” He reaches forward and takes one of your hands into his, “I need you to know, I- I didn’t mean to hurt you. I never wanted that.”

You pull your hand from his grip and cup the side of his face, your thumb brushing his cheek, “Con, I know you didn’t. But, I can’t stay here like this. I can’t be here. Okay?”

He looks away from you momentarily and back up to your eyes, his seemingly losing their hope.

You brush away the strands of hair around his forehead, “I’ll see you around, Fisher.”

—— 2 Years Later ——

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Carmen asks you, perched on the edge of your bed, “I mean, seriously, how long has it been?”

“Two years,” You confirm, folding up another top to put into your bag, “And I think it’s a terrible idea, but I’ve got to bite the bullet eventually.”

“How do you think they’re going to react?” He persists, “Do you think they’ll be mad?”

“Um,” You take a deep breath, “Maybe. I think it’ll be a shock more than anything. I just, I want them to see me, you know? And, look, Jere never did anything wrong. He’s reached out to be a thousand times and I want to be there for him today - that’s all I care about.”

“And who can be mad at a little face like this?” Carmen looks down at the small bundle wrapped in his crib, peacefully asleep for now.

Your son had been born two months ago. You and Carmen had been dating through your first year of college before you fell pregnant. You’d split up only a few weeks before you found out you were expecting, but the two of you had managed to successfully co-parent so far. He came to all of your appointments, asked far too many questions, slept on the spare room in your dorm when he was worried about you, and had held your hand all through the delivery. Since then, you’d managed to both fit your schedules around taking care of your baby. He worked weekends and you worked evenings, he stayed in your dorm when he knew you needed to sleep and you both avoided a fair bit of socialising so that you could be there for your son. It worked. And, more than anything, you were the happiest you’d been.

“Alright little man, be good for Mommy okay?” Carmen lifts up your son, Kylo, from his bed, “I’ll see you soon.”

He sets the baby into his car seat and fixes the straps around his chest.

“I’ll help you get him in the car,” Carmen encourages, following behind you as the two of you leave the dorm and head down towards the parking lot.

He fixes the car seat into its slot in the car, checking it twice before he steps back.

“Alright, I’ll let you know if it’s a disaster and I’ll be driving back tonight,” You laugh a little, “And if you get an SOS text from me please put your foot down and get there as soon as you can.”

Carmen chuckles, squeezing your arm, “It’s going to be fine, okay? They love you and they miss you.”

You nod, “Let’s hope so.”

“Drive safe,” He steps back, letting you get into the drivers seat.

“Wish me luck,” You smile, waving goodbye as you reverse out of the parking spot.

It had been two years since you’d seen the Fishers, and even your own family. You’d left that day at the beach house and not returned. There were countless calls from your Mom, and Steven, and Susannah and Jere. But nothing from Conrad and Belly. You’d moved your things out of your home shortly after and moved into college as early as you could. It has been good for you.

The first big milestone was when you didn’t go home for thanksgiving. All of the family would be at Cousins and you told your Mom you couldn’t make it. The same again at Christmas. Eventually, a few months after, Laurel had stopped trying. She knew you needed your space, as much as she resented you for it. You’d kept in touch with Steven, and Jeremiah still spoke to you as much as he could. But none of them knew about Kylo. You weren’t ready for that yet. This was your son, you’d done it without them then and you could still do it without them. But he deserved to have them in his life. So, when Jeremiah had invited you to his graduation, you’d agreed.

It couldn’t be as bad as it was two years ago, right?

———

As soon as you arrive in Cousins, you stop at the hotel room that you’d booked for the two of you. Sure, you were okay with being here, but that didn’t mean you wanted to stay at the house.

You shoot Jeremiah a text to tell him you’re near and he tells you he’ll be waiting outside. You text Carmen to tell him you’re already considering turning back.

There was just something so strange about seeing these streets again, these houses, these places that held so many memories. And, as you near the water, the house that held more memories for you than anywhere in the world.

True to his word, as you pull up into the driveway, Jeremiah is waiting on the steps for you.

He hurries straight over to the car before you’ve even stepped out.

“Oh my god it’s so good to see you!” He grins, wrapping his arms around you tightly.

“You too Jere, I’ve missed you,” You squeeze him in return, “Thanks for inviting me.”

“Wh-“ His face drops a little when he catches sight of the seats in the back of your car, “Why do you have a-“

“Um, yeah,” You laugh a little, “I might’ve forgot to mention I was bringing a plus one.”

You open the side door to the back seats and unclamp the car seat from the chair, lifting it out.

“Jere, this is Kylo,” You let out a shaky breath, “My son.”

Jeremiah’s face drops, dumbfounded, “Oh m- I mean I- Congratulations! He looks exactly like you.”

You chuckle, “I’m sorry I didn’t mention him, I just didn’t know how to say it over a text.”

Jeremiah shakes his head, “Don’t apologise. Come on, nobody’s home, you can come inside.”

He takes your baby bag from you as you carry Kylo into the empty house, a flood of memories hitting you as you do. Nothing had changed here and yet everything had changed with you.

“Do you feel like you’re ready to see everyone?” Jeremiah asks, sitting down beside you on the couch.

“Not in the slightest,” You shake your head, “But I can’t wait any longer.”

“You’re right,” Jeremiah nods, “From what I’ve heard, they’re all just ready for you to come home.”

You smile, lifting Kylo out of his seat, “I’m ready for him to have a family too.”

Jeremiah wraps an arm around your shoulder and squeezes.

“Oh shit, I think that might be their-“ He stops himself, “Yeah, that’s them. Are you okay?”

You take a deep breath and shift your position on the couch, “I’m okay.”

You were far from it. You were sure your mind was racing a million miles a minute, and every muscle in your body was tense. You were sure Kylo could feel it too, whinging in your arms. Part of you wanted to run, but you’d done enough of that two years ago. Not anymore.

“Hey, Jere, who the hell is parked in the-“ It’s Steven’s voice first, “Oh my fucking god!”

He runs into the lounge and freezes instantly, his eyes widening, his mouth agape.

“Hey Steven,” You smile, standing up from the couch.

“You- uh- you…”

Your Mom, Belly and Susannah walk in shortly after, all of them stopping just as your brother had.

“(Y/n)…” Belly looks at you like you’re a piece she’s been missing, “It’s so good to see you.”

“Is this…” Laurel looks down at the boy in your arms.

“This is Kylo, my son,” You look up at her, “Your grandson.”

Her face both lifts and falls at the same time, unsure of what to say.

“Can I?” Laurel asks you, looking down at him, and back to you.

“Of course,” You hand him over, fixing his head into her arms.

Laurel gasps at the contact, smiling gently down at the boy as her eyes fill with tears.

“I’m-“ You clear your throat, no apologies, “I know it’s been a while. But a lot has changed, and I want you to be a part of his life. I want him to have his family.”

Belly steps forward and stretches her arms out to you, stepping once more to engulf you in her arms, her head burying on your shoulder.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” She whispers, sobbing a little into your neck as she tightens her grip.

You smile and hug her just as tightly back, “Me too. I’ve missed you.”

“Alright alright don’t leave me out,” Steven groans, squashing both of you in a hug of his own, towering taller than both of you now.

Belly pulls back and sniffs and you lift your hands to her cheeks, wiping her eyes.

“We’re okay, okay?” You nod at her, the same phrase you used to tell her when the two of you ever argued as kids.

Belly nods, squeezing your hands, “Okay.”

“Oh honey,” Laurel passes Kylo to Susannah who takes him with a bright smile, before your Mom turns to you, “I don’t even know what to say. I had no idea that you… I mean I didn’t even… I’m so sorry I wasn’t there.”

You shake your head, “It was me too. We both needed the space, right? We all did.”

She shakes her head too, “I’m just so sorry, I should’ve been there.”

You smile, “You’re here now.”

She steps forward and hugs you too, feeling so much smaller against you than she ever did before, perhaps you just feeling taller.

“You’re a Mom,” Her voice breaks against you, “I’m a Grandma.”

You chuckle and step back from her, “So much to catch you up on.”

Susannah hands Kylo over to Belly as he gets passed around to the waiting arms and she wraps you in a hug of your own, whispering something about how this family had missed you and it hadn’t been the same without you there.

But there was still one piece missing.

You sit down on the couch and Laurel and Susannah sit on either side of you. Belly, Jere and Steven all sit on the coffee table across from you as if they can’t possibly be too far away from you.

“I can’t believe you’re back in Cousins,” Belly smiles, “This is surreal.”

You chuckle, “Yeah, it’s weird. I just couldn’t miss watching Jere graduate.”

He grins, “I’m just glad you accepted the offer.”

Belly passes Kylo over to Steven who holds him as if he’s the most fragile object in the world.

You laugh a little at the sight, pulling out your phone and snapping a photo of the pair. You’d send it to Carmen later - a little sign of ‘hey, my family haven’t completely disowned me’.

“Okay, I have to ask the questions,” Laurel squeezes your arm, “How did this happen?”

“Well, Kylo was born about two months ago. I was dating a boy called Carmen in my first year of college, possibly the nicest guy ever but we realised we were better as friends. And a bit later I found out I was pregnant. He was there the whole time, don’t worry, and we’re surprisingly really good at co-parenting,” You explain, “I know it’s not conventional but, god, I think I was made to be a Mom.”

Steven laughs, “Yeah you got that from raising us three idiots,” He glances to Jere and Belly.

You grin. You’d never considered that when you were growing up. That mothering those three, losing so much of your childhood. It was setting you up for this. For mothering your own child, for bringing him up in your own way.

“He’s a pretty chill baby too,” You comment, “Like sleeps through the night, only wakes up once for a bottle. He even sits into some of my classes.”

“You’re still carrying on with college?” Laurel looks at you slightly shocked.

“Of course, I’ll just graduate with a toddler on my hip,” You beam down at your son in Steven’s arms, “I don’t need to lose my life because I’m taking care of him.”

Laurel looks at you with tears in her eyes before dropping her head to rest on your shoulder, like she’s trying to keep as close to you as she can. You don’t tense under her touch.

———

Later in the day, Jere, Belly and Steven have gone to the store for supplies and Susannah is setting up some bits for Jere’s graduation.

“Hey, do you need any help with anything?” You ask Laurel as she walks into the kitchen, “Kylo’s just had his bottle so I’m free if you need me to help.”

He’s strapped in a wrap to your chest napping against you.

“Oh god no you relax, we don’t need you to help,” Laurel encourages, “Sit down or something.”

“Come on Mom, I can help. What do you want me to do?”

She looks at you and sighs, “I think I spent 18 years asking you to do far too much, maybe I need to be making up for that.”

You clear your throat, “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“I know, I know it’s not,” She shakes her head, “I just… I don’t even feel like you’re my daughter anymore. You’re so grown up, it’s like… you’re too much of an adult to be mine.”

You nod, “Yeah, well, a lot changed.”

“I hate that things got to the point where you felt you had to leave. I mean, I know everything happened with Belly and Conrad but I was just as much to blame, wasn’t I?”

You run your hand over the wrap across your chest where Kylo lay, “I never got a chance to be a kid, Mom. Not properly. It felt like my whole life Id been running one step ahead of them all so that I could catch them before they fell, shaping my whole life around making sure that they were in line and okay and that I was doing enough for you and for them but also making sure my whole life was perfect so that you weren’t disappointed and… it was draining.”

Laurel looks at you with a pained expression, her shoulders dropping with the weight of realisation.

“I went to college to get away from every shitty feeling that all of that gave me. I got away to finally be my own person, for once in my life just think about me,” You smile, “And it was good for me. I healed. I went to a therapist, I cried, I figured out my shit. I’m a different person now but I’ll always be your daughter. And I want Kylo to have his grandma.”

“I want that too,” Laurel beams, “(Y/n) I… I know I never know how to say these things but I’m so proud of you, honestly.”

Before you can respond, the front door clicks open and your head whips around quickly, expectant of who could be walking through.

“He’s at work,” Laurel comforts you, “He’ll be back tonight.”

“I-“

“I’m still your Mom, I know these things.”

You laugh in response as the other three all come into the kitchen, carrying bags of groceries.

“Oooh here Kylo I got you a present,” Steven rummages through the bags to find what he was looking for and eventually pulls out a small brown teddy bear, “Just securing my spot as favourite uncle.”

You grin, taking the bear, “Thank you Uncle Steven.”

“Oooh, we’ve got the beer in the trunk,” Jeremiah reminds him.

“Shit, yeah, we’ll be right back!” Steven says and both of them hurry back out.

“Beer?” You raise your brows at Belly.

She laughs, looking down at the bags, “Yeah, Steven managed to get a fake.”

“Of course he did,” You shake your head, “Want some help unpacking?”

“No, no, I got it,” She encourages, “You’ve got your hands full.”

You wiggle both of your hands in front of her, “The perks of this thing is that both of my hands are free, Bels. Don’t tread on eggshells around me, honestly.”

“Okay, this one is light,” She pushes one bag towards you.

Both of you potter about in silence putting away their food and it’s as if neither of you wants to break the comfortable quiet. This was the most time you’d spent together in two years, and you felt like strangers to each other.

“So, how’s everything going with you?” You ask her, turning back to the kitchen island.

“I’m good,” She nods, “I’m not…” Belly clears her throat, “I’m not seeing anyone.”

You laugh, “Did you not know how to tell me?”

She smiles and hits your arm, “It’s awkward, okay?”

You chuckle at your sister, somehow catching such a glimpse of yourself in her expression.

“We actually… me and Conrad… we ended things not long after you left,” Belly clears her throat, “It was for the best.”

“Bels I didn’t…”

“Don’t worry, it wasn’t because of you. I just think Conrad never really knew what he wanted, and maybe I didn’t either. I thought I was in love with that boy since I could remember, but I don’t think that was love. It was just the idea of him.”

You nod, “Well, younger Belly would probably thank you for figuring that out. But, tell me, is there anyone new on the scene?”

Before she can respond, the boys come tumbling in the front door again and you watch her eyes follow Jeremiah as he moves towards you both. There’s a brightness in them, one you’d only seen in your own when you were with Conrad. That was the feeling she was looking for.

“Jeremiah?!” You mouth to her and Belly widens her eyes at you in warning to not say anything more.

You raise your hands in surrender but give her a somewhat approving look, one that makes her cheeks ignite.

This was a pocket of home that you’d missed. One you didn’t realise you needed. Your siblings, this house, your family. It would always be important to you. And something about it felt even more magical now that you got to experience it with Kylo.

———

You find yourself focused on the sound of the door as if you can wish it to come sooner. Though you’re not sure why. You want to see him but you have no idea what to say to him. You have so much to tell him but you’re not even sure he’ll want to see you. Did he still hate you? Had he ever hated you? Would he hate you for not being here, for leaving?

You busy yourself with fixing the blanket in Kylo’s car seat. Jere and Steven had just gone to collect your stuff from the hotel - you’d agreed to stay at the house now.

And then it goes.

The sound of keys in the door, the door closing behind a familiar pair of feet. Rushed steps up the stairs, a left turn until they’re coming towards you.

And then your bedroom door opens, and a single figure stands in the doorway, slightly breathless.

“I saw your car on the drive.”

You stop in your tracks, the car seat behind your legs.

“I saw your car in the drive and I-“ Conrad begins again, “You’re home.”

You don’t have a chance to respond as he strides over and hugs you as if you’re a lifeline. His head buries into you and his arms around you as if he’s been needing you for years. His eyes are closed against you and you feel him inhale as if your presence had knocked every breath from his lungs.

And for a moment you’re frozen.

Until your arms kick into gear and they throw themselves around him too, holding him just as tight like you’re the only things holding each other up.

You feel him shift against you, that sort of shocked pause.

“(Y/n)…” His voice is quiet as he pulls away from you, “Is this…”

You step to the side to let him go past you as Conrad crouches down to the floor, his whole body cautious.

“This is Kylo.”

“Kylo,” Conrad grins, “You always said that’s the name you wanted for a boy. Do you remember? When we went to the boardwalk and there was that name on the-“

“The leaderboard for the go karts,” You grin, “I can’t believe you remembered that.”

“I can’t believe you did too, you stuck to your word,” He smiles, talking softly as if he doesn’t want to disturb the tiny bundle looking up at him.

Conrad’s fingers are at either side of the car seat and Kylo reaches up to grip onto his thumb. Con laughs like a sort of gasp, as if it is choked in his throat.

“I’m so happy you’re here,” He half-whispers the words and you’re not sure at first if it’s to you or to the boy in front of him.

But you settle on it being both.

Conrad looks back at you and breaks into an even wider grin, standing back up, “Can you just… tell me everything.”

He sits himself down on your bed and you sit down beside him. And this is it. This the final bit of home you were waiting on.

You and Conrad. Him and you. The piece you’d been waiting for.

———

The following morning, you’re up early with Kylo. You carry him downstairs and go about fixing up a bottle for him, the two of you resting on the couch whilst he drinks.

There’s a text from Carmen on your phone.

Hope they don’t hate you too much x

You shoot back a quick response of reassurance and send him a photo of Kylo smiling at you from last night.

Just as Kylo finishes his bottle, there’s a sound from the stairs creaking as someone comes down.

“Morning,” It’s Conrad, dragging a hand over his eyes as he does.

“Hey,” You return softly, “Why are you up so early?”

“Couldn’t sleep,” He grumbles, still in a half asleep state.

He drops down onto the couch next to you and smiles at Kylo, reaching out a finger to tickle his chest.

“Hey, could you do me a favor?” You ask him, “I need to change his diaper but the bag’s upstairs.”

“Yeah sure, what’s it look like?”

“It’s a black one, not the one with the handle but with the straps, and it’s like-“ You pause as you notice him watching you more and more confused, blinking at your explanation, “Okay, I’ll get the bag. Can you just watch him for a second?”

“That’s much easier,” Conrad grins and shifts on the couch so that he can hold the baby in his arms.

You stand up and head towards the door, hurrying upstairs to find the bag.

When you come back down, Conrad has Kylo stretched across his legs, his little feet hitting Conrad’s stomach and his head resting against his knees. He’s smiling down at him and Kylo grins tiredly up, giggling when Conrad tickles under his arms.

“You’re a natural,” You grin, coming down to sit beside him.

He looks up at you and raises his brows, “You think?”

“Well, he seems to like you,” You point out, not wanting to disturb the moment between them.

Conrad wiggles his hands beneath Kylo’s head and lifts him up, looking at you, “Where do you want me to put him?”

You snap back into reality, “Oh, right, yeah I’ve got a mat.”

He lowers the baby down onto it and then looks at you like he’s awaiting further instruction, “Come on, tell me what to do.”

“You want to change his diaper?” You laugh, “I can do it.”

“I’ve never done one before. I want to learn.”

“Alright, here,” You hand him over the wipes and a fresh diaper.

He’s far too slow when he starts and Kylo starts to wriggle on the mat, impatient of course.

“Does this thing not stay still?” Conrad grumbles, tongue between his lips as he concentrates on the task, his face grimacing just a little at the state of the dirty diaper.

“Put that one in here,” You hold out a diaper bag for him to dispose of it, “Alright, now wipe and new diaper. But make sure he’s covered - he’s a boy so that stuff can go everywhere.”

Conrad’s eyes widen as he takes your instruction, fixing the new diaper on - just a little wonky.

“There we go, fresh as a daisy,” He grins proudly at his accomplishment, “I think I could be pretty good at this.”

“Well that’s task two - making him laugh being task one,” You nod, “Not bad, Fisher.”

He lifts him back up onto the couch and lays him down beside you, Conrad sitting on the floor just in front of him like he’s already prepared to catch him.

He lets Kylo grab at the end of his hoodie, laughing at him before he turns to you.

“So, how does it all work? Are you… with someone?”

You shake your head, “We split up before I found out I was pregnant. But we’re really good friends, so it works. He helps out a lot.”

Conrad nods, “Well that sounds healthy.”

“What can I say? I’m mature now,” You joke.

“I think you always were,” He scoffs, “Especially compared to the rest of us.”

Both of you fall silent again and Kylo fills the space by gargling in some form of baby talk.

“What about you?” You clear your throat, drawing your legs to your chest on the couch, “Are you seeing anyone Mr Stanford?”

He scoffs, looking down at his hands, “No, no, I think I needed to stay away from all that for a little while. Clear my head.”

“And did you find anything in that clarity?” You taunt, yearning for the same connection the two of you had so long ago.

He looks at you for a second and pauses, “I guess I finally figured out what I want.”

For a brief moment you’re drawn to him, something in those eyes and that voice. But you tear yourself away.

“Well I’m glad the break was worth it,” You smile, looking away from him, “Sometimes that’s all that you need.”

You look down at your son and feel the same swell of pride you had when they first handed him to you in the delivery room. The same realisation that this was it now - this was everything.

“You know this place changed when you left,” Conrad comments, “And it’s changed again now you’re back.”

“Yeah, well, I always had that effect,” You wiggle your brows jokingly, lifting Kylo up from the couch to rest him on your lap.

Conrad pushes himself up to sit on the couch beside you and both of you fall silent in the seemingly empty house. He watches you with Kylo and is sure for a second that he’s looking at someone else. But it’s you. The one that was always made for this.

“I’m sorry if I-“

“I’m sorry if I-“

You both speak at the same time and look at each other with hints of smiles.

“You first,” Conrad encourages.

You take a deep breath, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t be with Belly. She told me you guys ended things not long after and I just hate thinking that I was… I don’t know, that I ruined things,” You shake your head, “I know it was forever ago.”

“You didnt ruin anything. Me and Belly… we… I think I always knew that she liked me. And I just, I hated the thought of breaking her heart. Like it would be my fault if I didn’t feel the same. And that night, I don’t know what it was, I just convinced myself that I could feel the same as she did,” He takes a deep breath too, like both of you are fighting for air against tightened chests, “But we’re must better as friends, we both know that. And I’d never… I never did… feel that way about her. I was just confused.”

You nod, “Now you go.”

“I’n sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t good enough,” Conrad exhales, “Because I know that’s how you felt, and I never ever wanted you to think like that.”

“Con…”

“Im serious (Y/n),” He shifts in his seat so that he’s facing you properly, “I was younger and naive and I knew that I liked you and I just… suppressed it. Because I knew if I started anything with you then I’d want that to be it, and I wasn’t ready for you to break my heart.”

You laugh a little, your eyes pricking just slightly with tears, “You think I’m a heartbreaker, Fisher?”

Conrad smiles, his cheeks flushed a little, his muscles visibly relaxed from what they were. He’d missed this. You, the way you knew him, the way you read him. He’d missed it all.

———

“We’ll watch him, you can go and shower,” Belly assures you, “And I’ll make sure Steven doesn’t do anything stupid.”

You’d spent the day in and around the pool with Belly, Steven and Jeremiah whilst Conrad had gone to work. They’d bought a float for Kylo at the store and were all impatient to use it - taking a thousand photos of him with his hat on laying back in the float.

“Alright, well just shout me if there’s anything,” You encourage, “I’ll just use-“

“(Y/n),” Steven says in a calm tone, “Relax, we’ve got him, I promise.”

You nod and step off of the lounger you’d been on, walking around the side of the house to where the outdoor shower still stood.

This place. It held memories you’d wanted to forget.

Before you step in, your phone starts ringing and you glance down to see Carmen’s contact on your screen, you accept the call and press the speaker button on your phone.

“Hey (y/l/n), how’s it going?” He says as soon as you pick up.

“It’s going well, yeah,” You turn back around to the garden where Belly was holding Kylo in her arms, “They’re all so excited to meet him.”

“Do they know about his super cool, super helpful, super present Dad yet?” Carmen taunts.

“They do,” You chuckle into the microphone, “They’re glad I haven’t been doing it on my own.”

“Yeah, well, they would’ve known that if they tried-“

“Carmen,” You sigh, “Less hating them, yeah? It’s going well.”

“Okay, you’re right, but I’m still not their biggest fans,” He comments, “What about the long lost love of your life?”

“Oh my god will you stop?” You widen your eyes at his words.

“Come on, I know that’s who you were most nervous to see,” He returns, “How’s it been? Do you still… you know, feel that way about him?”

“I-“ You glance down at the exact spot you’d been stood in two years ago, when you’d told Conrad the truth, “It’s Conrad, you know? He makes me laugh and he listens to me and he feels like… it feels like the piece of me that I’ve been missing.”

Carmen laughs, “And I’m guessing you haven’t told him that.”

“I already ruined things with that boy once, I can’t do it again.”

“Ruin things? (Y/l/n) I think you’d be telling him what he’s been waiting to hear for two years.”

Before you can say anything, the sound of a twig snapping behind you makes you jump from your thoughts and you turn around to see Conrad stood just metres from you.

“Um, Carmen, I have to go,” You stumble over your words into the microphone, “I’ll talk to you later.”

“Wear protection!” He yells down the phone before you hang up, your cheeks flushing bright red as you look back at Conrad.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to-“ Conrad mumbles, scratching at the back of his neck, “I just got back from work.”

“Right, yeah, of course, how- how was it?”

“Good,” Conrad nods, stuffing his hands into his pockets, “I didn’t mean to listen in, or anything. I just… I don’t even normally walk this way, I don’t know why I did but I thought I could hear people and so I thought maybe you were outside, not that I was looking for you, but well I was-“

“Con,” You interrupt, “It’s okay.”

He smiles, taking a second to breathe, “That was Carmen?”

You look down at your phone in your hand, “Yeah, just calling to check how I’m getting on. It’s the first time he’s been away from Kylo too.”

Conrad nods in understanding, “Yeah, of course, I bet that’s weird for him.”

“Yeah I don’t think I could ever leave Ky now, it’s a parent thing, I guess,” You scratch at a patch on your arm as the nerves seem to overtake you, “I should probably… you know, I need to shower before tonight and I-“

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll let you get on,” Conrad raises his hands and goes to step past you as you step into the booth of the shower.

You don’t make any move after that, thinking of every single thing you could’ve just said to him. How two years ago every word came to you all at once and, now, you can’t find a single right word to say. You feel your bottom lip tremble just slightly at the thought of everything you could’ve just told him but you shake it off.

“Hey, (Y/n),” Conrad’s voice speaks from the exact spot you’d just left him in, “What did he want you to tell me?”

You feel every bone in your body freeze at those words, practically sending a shiver down your spine. Your hands go numb, your eyes glazing over, your throat seemingly closing off any words.

As you turn around back to the entrance of the shower, there he is. Stood on the path with a look of hope in his eyes that you thought you’d never see again from Conrad.

“What did he want you to say?” He persists, eyes burning into you.

You exhale deeply, the tension in your shoulders dropping as if you’ve lost hope, “That I never should’ve walked away from you that night. And I hate myself every day for not fighting for you more, for not standing there and telling you that I’d wait for you. I’d wait for you in every life if that’s what it took for you to realise that you loved me. And I know I shouldn’t and I know it’s different now because I have a son and that’s complicated and you don’t have to want that or feel like you have to-“

He strides forward then, his hands coming up to cup either side of your face, his lips crashing into yours as if they’re returning home for the first time in forever. It’s messy and rushed and heated but neither of you care, both relaxing into a feeling you never thought you’d feel. Your hands grip at the material of his t-shirt like you’re convincing yourself that he’s real. And he is. It’s all real.

Your lips pull away first, rushing to catch every ounce of breath that had just been knocked from your lungs.

“I’d wait for you, (y/n). In this life, the next and the next after that, I’d wait for you too,” Conrad confirms, his eyes searching in both of yours, “This is it, okay? This is what I want, it’s what I’ve always wanted.”

You let out a laugh, somewhere verging on a sob as every emotion of every missed day seems to come out of you, “We’ve waited long enough, don’t you think?”

Conrad smiles, his hand moving to your chin to pull you into his lips once more.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that,” He mumbles just millimetres from your lips.

“I think I have some idea,” You return with a smile, kissing him quickly.

This was it. In this life, the next one and the one after that - this was where you could be truly happy.

[fallingforthefictional]

Mother knows

Conrad fisher x reader 

Warnings: mentions of cancer 

A/N: italics is a flashback

Every fall I would come to cousins for a week, to fix anything around the house that needed it, and every fall, just for a week the Beck house was mine. The house itself was summer, even in the fall, every room every hallway screamed summer, I loved it, loved the warmth and the memories that erupted from every crevice of the house. 

This fall was no different, I had packed up my car and driven from Philly to Cousins alone as usual, singing along to every song on the long playlist Conrad and I had created for the road trip we have never taken. Every summer with him was the same: Bonfires, dancing, shared glances and lingering touches that never amounted to anything. Every year I justified it the same way, Belly was my younger sister and she was in love with him, who was I to take that from her, to steal the light of my sister's life even if I have loved him for longer, and even if I was convinced that he loved me too. But then this summer, this summer Belly kissed Jeremiah, took him to the deb ball, became his girlfriend and left me with the horrifying realisation that I couldn’t use her feelings as an excuse to bury my own. 

I shuddered walking into the Beck house, flicking on the lights and immediately cranking the heat up. Unlocking the family room doors I stopped for a second and took in the sight, of 5 new portraits painted by Susannah hung up I couldn’t help but admire each one, bask in the memories I knew would always linger in the careful brushstrokes on the canvas: the first dreadful painting of Jeremiah created under the influence of some very strong edibles covered by Susannah's masterpiece; my baby sister in the decadent dress she could hardly stand, surrounded by flowers looking perfect; Steven with the biggest grin on his face, probably pulled from the thought of Shayla; me, standing on the beach, wind in my hair, that dress- somehow Suzannah had managed the impossible of making a chaotic evening look perfect in painted form; and finally, Conrad, my blue-eyed boy, sitting in the gazebo where we had nearly kissed, hair falling perfectly and the wide smile only his mother could conjure. I traced his smile with the pad of my fingertips, Conrad used to wear that smile all the time, but this summer he was burdened with the knowledge of Suzzanah’s cancer and that dampened his mood. We all struggled through summer and promised to be there for each other, but I hadn’t spoken to Conrad in months. I did know about Susannah before the others, I couldn't help but think back to the moment he told me. 

“Thank you for coming” Cleveland’s smile was half-hearted and forced, I nodded and glanced over his shoulder to my best friend, his form scrunched up, hand in his hair. Cleveland sighed and led me over to him. 

“Con?” It was cautious, Conrad wasn't good at showing emotions, so to be like this, he must be overwhelmed. He looked up at me through glassy eyes and my heart broke, I extended a hand which he took hesitating for a second before pulling me in and burying his head in my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and kissed his head giving him the time to come up with the words, 

“Mum’s, it’s… the cancer is back” 

The words were almost inaudible, he didn’t look up, he just loosened his grip on me for a moment, letting the words sink in. 

“Oh bug I'm so sorry”

That was all he needed, he pulled me into a crushing hug again but I held him just as tightly, Suzannah was dying and my best friend was suffering. All I could do was hug him on the dock. 

Blinking back a fresh wave of tears I drummed against the painting for a moment, composing myself, no one else was here but this was a sanctuary and I didn’t want to disturb the silence. Susannah had made me promise to always return to cousins, for this week of the year no matter what happened, and I promised her that, but at the same time, I had vowed to myself to always let his house be a place of love and light even when I was alone. Susannah was trusting me to keep her magic alive, and I wouldn't let her down. 

As the house warmed up I began my routine, dusting off the cabinets and grabbing some wood from the shed in the garden, later on as the sun set I would light a fire and flick on a film settling into the warm worn house, my home not just for the week but for always. 

After briefly surveying the cupboards I went to buy groceries, taking in the serenity of cousins. In summer it was bustling there was always something happening somewhere and everyone filled the streets. But in the fall, Cousins was mine, very few people remained, and the cold air kept them indoors, though I would walk on the beach still, exist still, and others would hide away from the cold. Cousins was still magic, just a different kind. Standing in the store I filled my basket with the essentials and a few extras to hide in people's rooms for the summer, Jere’s favourite chocolate, red vines for steven, a pack of Cheetos for belly and of course sour patch kids for Conrad. Eventually, I paid for all the groceries and loaded them back in my car heading back to the house. 

It didn’t take long to unpack everything, it was ingrained in me at this point. I built up the fire and then went around the house watering the succulents for the first time in a month. I was watering the biggest Cactus that had existed in this house since I was born, when I looked up and saw them, those blue eyes reflected back at me in the window. I put the jug down and turned for a second, half expecting the room to be empty and my mind to be playing cruel tricks on me. But there he was, my best friend, more dishevelled than usual, but a strange smile playing on his lips. 

“Con…” I didn’t move

“I needed a break from the house for a minute, mum said I would find the answers I need at the summer house.” 

Susannah had sent him? To me? I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what I should say or do but he smiled, a genuine smile, and tears rolled down his face. The offer to leave was caught in my throat and before I could force it out he finished his thought,

“I guess she has always known exactly what I need.”

I had crossed the room in a second, he pulled me off the ground and our lips met, for the first time, we were caught in the silence, united in the magic, alone together. There were no words exchanged as we broke apart, but as our foreheads met and his eyes met mine, I knew, 

We were home. 

[grapejuicestyless]

Can you please do a conklin oldest sister x Conrad in a best friends to lovers. Like the four times you almost kissed and the one time you did.

I was thinking maybe for one time she’s cleaning him up after the bonfire fight and he’s sorta drunk and thanks her for always caring for him or just ask her why she does it and it gets all tense and then obv they almost kiss and then they get interrupted. And maybe another one in their tween years. The other two can be whatever you want. Also childhood flashbacks and fluff, probably Susannah sorta knowing and shipping too. A tiny bit of angst too. Sorry if this is a lot like your Back to You one! Thanks <3!

Don’t Go.

Conrad Fisher x fem!reader

Flangst

Summery: The THREE times you almost kissed and the one time you did.

“Con.” My voice was soft. His bedroom was quiet, even the softest of whispers echoed through the four walls. Bouncing around and ringing back into our ears.

He hummed in response, eyes stuck to the ceiling. We counted each bump, each paint stroke. Not out of boredom, but because the idea that we could be together, just the two of us in our own little peace was comforting.

“Do you think we’re best friends in every universe?” The question was stuck to my tongue like glue. It almost hurt coming out that way. A double edge sword, in some ways.

In my head, I’d always entertained the idea of Conrad and I. A pairing that just worked. The idea that I could call him mine, his mornings and nights. I enjoyed the daydream of his arms around my own. His shirt in my closet. Not because I stole it, but because he wanted me to have it.

Swallowing, my eyes flickered back over to his face. When I pulled myself from my head, I saw him. His eyes bright, serious and looking deeply into my own. The soft smile on his face said it all, the gentle touch of his shoulder brushing my own. We were so close that his deep breathing caused our skin to touch. Our arms bumping into each other smoothly.

“You trying to get rid of me already? I thought we had a good thing going?” He faked offense, a coy smile on his face turning into one that was purely cheeky. I couldn’t help but laugh. It wasn’t unusual for Conrad to avoid deeper questions. It wasn’t because he couldn’t answer them. No, Conrad was one of the brightest people I knew, if not the most.

So, I pushed at him. Nudged him so he shook. I needed to know. In my eyes, all I could ever see was Conrad. What if he never imagined the same?

His deep sigh sounded distant. I knew then that he understood why I even bothered to ask. He wasn’t annoyed, he never was. It was just a calming pause as he thought of what to say. My breath caught in my throat, there was a pregnant pause. His eyes stuck to ceiling, my hands intertwined over my stomach.

I couldn’t pull my eyes from his face. How beautiful he looked in the setting sun. The rays of warmth dancing through his cracked window, leaving a warm spit on the bed. We soaked it up. I watched how his face never lost the glow of happiness, a gentle smile forever stretched across his calm face.

His smile was always evident, even when he was serious. He once said it was because there was nothing I could do to make him upset. That I was a radiant ball of sunshine, a shot of expresso. I took it as an insult then, I thought he was calling me annoying. Now I understand I was far too immature to understand how poetic he was.

“In every universe.” Again, he looked to me. His eyes were certain of it. Like even if it was unsure that any other universe existed, if one did he was positive that we would be just the same. Laying in the quiet in the warm sunlight, taking in the peace of each other’s presence.

Boundless. Infinite. The only words that could accurately describe us, I believed. The possibilities of what could be. With each passing second, the invisible string that tied us together, tethering around out hearts grew thicker. Tightening between them, the distance left little room to get away.

If I ever decided I hated him, which I understood now would forever be impossible with how grand the impact his love had on my heart was, even then I would forever be tied to his pinky. Stuck to him like glue. We would forever be connected. We were infinite.

And for that time, I swore I could feel some energy pulling him closer. His soft breaths escaping his nose tickled my own. He looked concentrated, almost like he was preoccupied with something. Something that was tugging at him ferociously. For a moment, his bright eyes lowered, darkened by the heaviness of his eyelids. We were stuck, forever inching closer. I wondered if this was really happening.

“Do you ever think of death?” His cheeky smile pulled me again from my overly sentimental ideals. He was serious, he always was when he needed to be. But then again, I know my best friend, I know my Conrad. Its only so long before he retreats back to the warm hug of his poorly timed jokes and mediocre humor.

“Shut up!” I laughed. Even though I had pushed him, the rush of laughter weakened my muscles. Even with all the force of my arms he barely moved. So, collapsed on his bed, we laid in our own shared joy until it faded into another quiet nothingness. And still, we were never bored, but instead basking in the other’s presence. Happy to be able to sit so close and call the other their best friend.

At the time, I prayed he would have kissed me. The thought of it kept me up some nights. What was he playing? What was his reasoning. I realized now that Conrad may not have been going in for something so intimate. He got lost often, trying to find some comedic relief. It was more Jeremiah’s speed, the light hearted jokes and the idiotic tendencies. But we were only fourteen then. Back when the invitation to his bedroom felt like a golden ticket, a privilege to be seated so close to the boy I swooned so horribly over in my prepubescence.

What I didn’t know then, something that was uncertain I certainly knew now. Conrad wasn’t trying to kiss me, and he never would. He was my best friend, my buddy. I was the girl who would stand beside him and wish she could be the girls he fell for each time. We were best friends, in every universe. Infinite.

The grass was wet. Dew covered the blossoming slopes of green, sand packed into the roots, picking up in the gentle breeze. The radio from the ruby red Jeep crackled with the early morning birds. August humidity, blue jays and seagulls singing and squawking. If you moved in the right way, bending your arms outward, the air would fill your shirt and the flapping sound would fill the car unbearably loud. I knew that because Y/n insisted it was freeing. My bare chest in the ocean wasn’t subjected to the same heat she endured. Our clothes didn’t stick the same.

It was a routine now. Every Wednesday, just before the sun fully broke the horizon, Y/n and I would tiptoe as quietly downstairs as we could, simply to be able to refill the muffin tray. Neither of us enjoyed the raisin ones. Laurels favorites, though her sour expression seemed to say otherwise. Maybe it was a health thing, she would never tell us. She was stubborn, and strong. It was obvious that Y/n was her daughter.

The pebbled driveway felt much louder without the accompanying screaming of children and loud engines of lawnmowers. Each step was followed by an apologetic hiss, we would spend a few minutes just getting to the car. The tradition seemed stupid after the first month, but it was so ingrained into our minds, it felt wrong to just rush to the car. It was less fun without the thrill of sneaking out.

She’d always wait until the silent street turned into bustling town roads, families ready to work, friends ready to leave. Once my hands were tied she would roll down her window and shift her body. She would smile at me until I acknowledged it. She was cocky, smug about my growing annoyance.

And at first, it really got on my nerves. Yet, the more and more she did it, the less I cared about the reasons, the more the sound drowned out with the townsfolk laughing just a little too loud for the early morning and the barking dogs and hissing cats.

I never fully enjoyed it. Every sharp corner still hurt my ears, but I never minded it. Her laughter and ease put my mind to rest. More so, it reminded me that this was something only she would do. Only she would think to annoy me with.

My heart fluttered, pathetically at how simple her teasing was and how much it affected me. How her laughter cured any headache. How the leather seats smelled less like the beach and more of Y/n’s summer scents.

She worked two jobs. A coffee shop in the winter and a small ice cream hut in only July. And with each place she visited, she changed ever so slightly.

In December, she smelled of coffee grounds. It was something usually so bitter, but something that mixed so perfectly with her vanilla perfume she’d worn since freshman year, it balanced into something delicate, delicious. It was intoxicating, almost as much as she was.

In the summer, she smelled of strawberry and something sweet. Not quite vanilla, but closely related. It was refreshing, never overpowering. All of the winter washed away, you could practically smell the sand stuck to our skin and salty hair from the water.

I loved how I could smell it. I loved how I knew the difference. It reminded me of all the time we spent together. How lucky I was to have her so close. Even if our time was always so limited. I knew the difference because I payed attention. She was my favorite person, without a doubt. I knew her through and through. Her shampoo, her favorite tops. I knew everything because I loved her. Held her close with no room to let go.

And the more I came to terms with this, the less resistant I became to her teasing. The less resistant I was to the sound of her shirt violently shaking in the wind. The windows being down and letting in the morning chill no longer phased me. It was routine, one I’d grown to love endlessly. One I couldn’t ever part with.

Pulling up to the small bakery that sold the muffins, I could always predict the order. Two chocolate chips, three blueberry, two raisin and one plain. I knew that on the way back to the car, she would be balancing the boxes in her arms, begging me to not help and just open the damn door.

When we’d get back into the car, she’d immediately open a box. Then, we’d split a blueberry muffin. It was tradition.

Always the messy eaters, soon the evidence was left on our faces. Crumbs stuck in the crevices of the leather seats, blue smeared by the corners of our mouths. I couldn’t help hut laugh at her ridiculousness. Her furrowed brows and happy smile. She looked so soft like this. The morning glow and her determination to finish the muffin quickly. It put everything into perspective. A reminder of why I felt so strongly stuck to her.

“You have a little something.” She teased, finger pointing, ironically enough, to a splotch of blue painted on her own face. She was unaware, yet so sure of her own joke she hadn’t gone to wipe her own face prior.

“Oh yeah?” I challenged. She nodded, “Where?” I persisted, I leaned in closer, riling her up. Her hand smeared across my face. Harshly wiping at the crumbs until it was just a faint line of blue from my lip to my cheek.

“Got it.” I pushed away, spitting at her stupid jokes. Truthfully, if it had been anyone else I would’ve yelled. It was childish, annoying. But this was Y/n, so somehow it became rather endearing, sweet.

My eyes locked with the blueberry by the corner of her mouth. She didn’t notice how my face had relaxed into a gentler smile, how my shoulder settled and breathing calmed. As she was thrown into her own laughing fit. Her hands guarded her body and her eyes were teary. It was my chance.

With revenge in my sight, my hand slapped across her face smoothly. Not hard enough to hurt her, but enough to make her eyes snap open and laughing to calm. Smearing her own mess around her face, blue gathered around her skin like a violet tinted lipstick. She looked shocked, only for a minute.

I saw the way her mouth quivered, I felt her heart face. But it all stuttered to a stop when the first laugh escaped her serious gaze. A silent admittance that U had gotten her back, a playful game between the two of us that ended in spilled baked goods and messy skin.

“Truce?” She called in the cool down. My eyes found hers then, and in them held a honest truth, no tricks hidden behind them or malicious intent. Oddly enough, the foolish game between made my body feel warmer, fuzzy. My heart raced. It was something so secretive in a way. Nobody would know what happened here, it was a memory between just us. Something that I only we could smile about.

My head was stuck in a lavender haze, so much so I fell oblivious to the way my hand barely traced her lip. My hands curled into a fist, I rubbed away some violet from the corner of her mouth. It was gentle, feathery light even.

I am reminded every time I touch her that I do not have her, and blinded by the possibility that one day I could. Her skin feels natural under my fingers. Maybe its the fact I’ve known the girl for my whole life, or maybe its my own unshakeable love for her. Still, for some reason I am stuck with my hand by her cheek, with my eyes concentrated on the way shes smiling while I do it.

“Conrad?” Her voice is soft, nervous almost. I look to meet her eyes, but I keep my hand still, slipping just below her jawline. There I swipe my hand under it to cradle her head by her ear. I leave a trail of evidence in my wake, it reminds me of how playful we were, how painfully platonic her jokes were. It almost burns to hold her now, so my hands fall to my sides.

In my little resistance left, I held back. But more than anything, I wanted to place my lips against hers. She looked so much like home. She was everything to me. But her voice and her concern reminds me that her lips are not mine to kiss. I clear my throat, trying not to seem so flustered.

“Sorry, I spaced out.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. Y/n was guilty of having a magnetism that felt almost obnoxious. It pulls you in, and once your in its hold, its impossible to remember reality.

“Yeah, yeah. Its fine. We should probably get back.” I nodded in agreement, but even with my eyes pulled away from her, all my willpower used up on trying to not look at her, I notice her hurt tone. How she seems almost distant, disappointed. She shifts in her seat when the car starts again. Suddenly the muffin tastes bitter under its sweat exterior. And I am filled with regret.

“Conrad, I’m going to grab a drink, you want your usual?” I nodded, eyes watching how she weaved between the crowd, her shoulders shrink and her waist turns until shes gone into the night.

I forget how many people are around when shes so close. It’s embarrassing how obsessed I feel around her. I can feel how my heart beats aggressively whenever shes around, I wonder if she feels it to. I think about taking her hand, placing it on my chest and asking her. Its a thought that comes solely because I am drunk. I know it. Sober me would never have to courage, the audacity to go onto her so quickly. But the liquor is the microphone and I am projecting my feelings more openly than ever before.

I think of all the times we came so close. How when she asked if we would be forever together, I choked and pushed away what was presented. It was romantic, and we were so young. Then I had never felt more confident and I held back. She gives me another chance, as I wipe away all crumbs and I fold again. I am conscious of my surroundings, of my feelings. I am aware of the consequences.

“…Y/n.” The name is fuzzy, I am still coming out of my daydreams, my head is clearing again when the sound of her name comes up out of the blue. When I turn I see a scattered group of younger boys. High schoolers, no doubt. I see the way they search into the distance like I had. Not seeing anyone but wishing they could.

Its a blur, how it happens. One of them says something stupid, horny and drunk and suddenly we are in the sand. My knuckles are bloody, my nose is bleeding. I hear him grunting underneath my body, I am suddenly aware that I am winning.

“Conrad!” Her voice is heavenly, but I don’t pull my punches. I am angry, defending her like I owe it to her. I don’t even know if he’s hitting back anymore. I can’t feel it, I’m going numb.

“Conrad!” Her hands yank at me until I stand. He’s still swinging, but he’s missing. Bruises are forming, his mouth is bleeding. I feel no remorse. I am not sorry, not until I turn around and see her.

Her eyes are glistening, and her nose is scrunched. Whether from her threatening tears or the stench of sweat and smoke. I cannot tell. But I know how her lip is quivering, how hard she is holding back. Whether it is sadness or anger, I do not want to know.

Watching her stare me down, its like letting the high come down. The numbness fades, turns out the boy had gotten some punches. My body is littered in bruises and cuts from his nails.

When she drags me away, I understand how naive I was for thinking she would appreciate the violence. All of this happens so quick, I didn’t even get to tell her it only happened because all I want is for her to be respected. I did it to defend her. Shes silent, breathing heavily to make the escape, nobody has to know what happened but us.

Shes a good friend to me, shes always there. Its stupid how my heart flutters again, how it drops into my stomach and back up again. I want to hurl, I am so anxious of her reaction. And all I want is for her to hold me and tell me I did her right.

The stench of smoke was stuck in the air. Even in a ventilated room, one filled with cracked open windows and boundless moonlight bleeding across the floor. The white tiles speckled with crimson red dots, a reckless line to the toilet.

I had him in my hands, cheeks squished under my palms, toilet paper held against his nose. His breathing was stuffy, heavy. All remnants of the evening.

If I knew how much trouble he would cause, I wouldn’t have walked away. No, if I knew he would suffer, I wouldn’t have left.

His eyes are shifty, glossy and wide. He is drunk, and emotional. He wouldn’t ever tell me why, but I assume its because the bruises that make him flinch each time he stretches too far out.

He hiccups, groaning and holding his side. I almost roll my eyes at his stupidity.

“Hold still.” I say it under my breath, focused on prying away the tissue from him nose. I blot at the crimson that stains his peachy skin. His eyes shut tightly, tears fall from the corners. He hasn’t cried in front of me in awhile, it makes my heart stop.

His hand fumbles for mine, and once its found, suddenly I’m holding it. He’s not squeezing, but I can feel how he resists the urge to. He does one time, squeeze my hand. When I hiss, he apologizes repeatedly.

“It’s okay, I know, I know.” I plead for him to stop so I can finish. He is drunk and I an no better. I am halfway to where he is, a red solo cup spilled on the beach that would’ve led me there.

“See? All done.” Tossing the red wine stained tissue into the trash, his eyes open. They are foggy, and he is quiet. For a minute I think he might vomit, but it never comes and the floor is just as clean as it was when we came.

“You always take care of me.” He breaks the heavy silence. Neither of us are sure if Im angry or not. Neither of us can decide it.

“No I don’t.” I remember the time he fell of the monkey bars in pre-school and I laughed until he got so angry that he shoved me into the grass. I remember how in middle school, when a girl had a crush on him I told her he still slept with a night light. It wasn’t a lie-but it was cruel.

“Yes you do, you always do.” He thinks of the time when I got the last chocolate soft serve and he wanted it so desperately. How he didn’t even beg me, I wanted to see him happy so I shared. He thinks of the time his first girlfriend dumped him so we called the entire night until she was a distant memory. He thinks of all the good, while I only see the bad.

“Why do you do it?” Because I love you, you idiot. What I want to say, but never will. Because with each chance that I think he might feel the same, with every chance we have at becoming more, he slips away. And my heart breaks.

“I don’t know.” I wonder of he can hear how fast my heart is beating. I feel it in my stomach, it’s in my ears, ringing.

His hand is hot on mine when he changes the way it fits against his. He no longer cups my palm out of stress in pain, but intertwines our fingers.

“You’re always there for me.” He’s drunk rambling now, he still has that same drunken expression stuck to his face. I nod, I feel him pull me closer.

My body slots between his thighs, I am looking down at him. His breath is heavy, I can feel his palms getting sweaty.

“Conrad, we should really get you to bed.” I try and keep us apart. Truthfully, even with the stench of beer on his breath and the unbearable heat of the summer night, my knees are still weak and my heart is still racing.

I try and pull away, removing myself. But I become a rubber band. My arm extends, and he’s pulling me right back to where I was before. It’s like we haven’t moved.

“Don’t go.” He says it quietly, but the way he says it makes me want to stay forever with him just like this. His eyes are glossy, searching my face. I feel how his other hand fingers its way to my jawline.

He doesn’t ghost over my skin like he did in the car, his touch is heavy, firm. The rest of my body feels cold without his touch. His fingertips set my jawline on fire.

“Con.” I plead. I want it more than anything, to be held by him so intimately. But he’s drunk, he doesn’t truly want this. He’s horny and I made the mistake of getting too close.

“Y/n.” He smiles devilishly. His face is so much closer before. I’m aware of that now that I’m truly paying attention. His hand is behind my ear, fisting at my hair. It doesn’t hurt, physically.

When our foreheads bump, I become stuck. He’s so damn magnetic, I cannot move away.

“Don’t go, okay?” He asks again, breathlessly. My hand is dropped, my waist is being cradled and I am fully committed to him.

Nodding, I cave but I can’t stop shaking. I want this, but if we kiss and in the morning he decides he doesn’t want it, it would shatter me forever.

His nose bumps mine clumsily, and his breath is heavy. He doesn’t seem anxious, scared. But his heart isn’t beating like mine. He’s sweating not from fear, but from the alcohol. Suddenly I want to escape. I can’t be here any longer.

“Y/n? Conrad! Are you in there?” Belly knocks on the door frantically and I pull away so fast, he can’t grab me and beg for me to stay. He can’t trap me.

Shes confused, face illuminated by the light of the bathroom. The hallways is dark behind her and our shoulders brush.

I don’t trust myself within the walls of this house. I walk away from it with all my willpower. I’m gone and I don’t stop going until the road stops curving and I am in the middle of a patch of unclaimed land. Where the grass is untamed and the moon is darker behind the trees.

Its overdramatic, the way I struggle to breathe. Its like his hand wasn’t just there on my jaw, but squeezing. My skin hurts where his body touched mine. He doesn’t want me, I am reminded. He is drunk. Why else would he suddenly present himself and beg for me to stay.

I know it only hurts so much because it’s Conrad. My buddy, my best friend. The love of my life. I remember how he begged me not to go, how he praised me. Buttering me up just for him to leave in the morning.

I held my breath just a little longer than I should have. Waiting for him to chase after me. Tell me one last time to never leave him, that he really did love me. That he really did want me.

But I am not naive, or stupid. I know he is fast asleep by now. I imagine Belly tucked him into bed quickly after I left. He is sleeping peacefully, and while I rip out my hair, he will be blissfully unaware in the morning.

 “Why are you angry?” Susannah pried, flipping through her magazine. She was slouched on the couch, a sundress draped over her body. She was glowing, unbothered completely by my sour mood.

“I’m not mad.” I sat next to her, stiff. If I were to sink into her shoulder, surely I would crack. I stared at the blank TV, too scared to make another sound or to move.

When I heard the crinkle of the paper and a soft slap against the wooden table, I silently cursed myself.

“Y/n, honey.” God, I wanted to punch her in her perfectly white teeth then. How kind and observant she was. She was almost condescending when she said my name again. Neither of us were idiots, neither of us oblivious.

I had been avoiding Conrad like the plague for the past week. When he woke up the next morning, unaware of what happened, confused about why I looked so exhausted, so frustrated I finally bent too far and snapped.

Looking into his eyes made me feel nothing but guilt. I swore to keep that night out of sight then. If he didn’t know, then nobody had to. We could go back to normal. But still, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t forget the way his breath was warm against mine, how his hands felt under my shirt. How he begged me to stay. It was all I ever wanted.

I didnt tell her, still. And my lies were shallow. Unbelievable.

“Did something happen between you and Conrad?” Her voice was innocent, light, airy. And her touch, the exact opposite of her sons, was so confident, so sure. Like there was nothing I could do or say to change how she saw me. And though she played coy, her smile told me she knew. She’d known for awhile.

I stuttered on my breath, only able to shake my head. My cheeks heated and lips bitten raw.

“Honey Im no idiot, I know you just like I know my son.” Her hands stopped running through my hair, falling to her sides. She sympathized with me, and the look in my eyes told me she knew more than what happened that night.

“So you know, then.” And silently, we both understood that we weren’t talking about the late night rendezvous and blood staining the bathroom tiles.

“I’ve always known.” Her eyes crinkled when she smiled. My shoulders felt heavy then. Maybe he knew too, maybe thats why I freaked out.

Her hand rubbed my cheek, it felt nice to not shy away from her. Melting into her shoulder, I let her hold me like her daughter while we stared into blank space.

“What if it’s never the same?” It was my greatest what if. Determining if my confession I had been secretly brewing for years would ever be able to be taken back. If we could ever go back to the simplicity of our youth.

“Somethings are worth the risk.” Her words stuck to me like glue. And though I knew she was right, I couldn’t help but run away from the elephant in the room, I couldn’t help but abandon Conrad.

When the house is cold and empty later, I come out of my room and into the light. It is when everything is silent and untouched that I allow myself to bask in the warm setting sun in the kitchen. I let the summer air kiss my skin and I clear my head.

The pans in the sink clank behind me and the refrigerator opens. Its not dark quite yet, but its dimmer out, so the light from the refrigerator illuminates the countertops, signaling it was opened. However, whoever had entered hadn’t said a thing yet, I can’t help but hold my breath.

“Can I sit?” His voice is low, unsure. It reflects the exact opposite of our last night together. I want to run again, my skin suddenly feels too tight over my bones, everything is caving in. But then I remember what Susannah said. He would be my greatest what if of my life if I never tried to mend and move forward. Conrad is the biggest risk that I am forever willing to take.

“Yeah, of course.” Its awkward between us now, and I am aware that everything is already never the same. There is no going back. I want to leave now, now that I know what he feels like. But my heart aches and my mind won’t stop screaming at me to ask.

I fiddle with my hands, looking outside, I can feel his eyes on mine. I decide then to screw it all, I have to leave. Screw the plan, screw my brewing confessions, screw mending and forgiving and forgetting. I can’t. I’m lost and so is he.

When the chair slides out from under me, I don’t expect the other to hiss across the wooden floor behind me. I don’t expect him to grab my wrist and pull me back.

“Don’t go.” It was quiet, but it was confident. He was sure for once. And I could see it in his eyes that he remembered. That he understood why I was running. More than that, I could see how he was hurting just as I was.

“Why’d you do it, Conrad?” My mind is silent after the echoing words come out of my mouth. He shakes his head, and I try and break free. He’s not really hurting me, but he is and he refuses to talk to me.

“No, Y/n…” He pulls me back. I don’t stop trying to escape.

“Tell me and I’ll stop, tell me and I’ll stop.” I beg, my throat is sore, and my eyes ache from holding back my tears. It’s pathetic how quickly I am worked up over him. When I was the one to leave in the first place.

“Stop. Stop it.” I am struggling against him, his hands try to find my wrists desperately. When he finds them, I am stuck in place, his hands like shackles.

“Stop it!” He yells, his voice rings in my ears.

“Why didn’t you tell me!” My tears are falling quickly, and they are hot with how angry I am.

“I don’t know!” He begged me to understand, to see his side. But all I can remember is how stupid I felt all these weeks. How the flashbacks of the times it almost happened haunted me. How I believed he never really wanted me.

“You knew, you knew and you made me feel like an idiot!” I pushed him back, but with his hands on my wrists I only went back with him.

“Y/n.” He’s patient, he always has been, but I’m wearing him thin. I know it. I need him to snap, I need it.

“Why didn’t you tell me! Why!” I begged him for an honest answer, I pushed him and I didn’t stop until he was just as desperate.

“I was scared!” He said it like it was a solution.

“So was I, you asshole!” We were out if breath, sitting in a brief silence. I looked away to collect myself, catch my breath but the second he was back in my eye sight, all my composure was gone again.

“You never gave me the chance.” He says it softer than before, but its just as vicious.

“Was I supposed to wait for you to get the balls? You came downstairs perfectly fine while I was tearing myself apart with guilt! Me! When you were the one who was begging me to stay!” I match his tone. Its frantic, I’ve never felt more stressed.

“Y/n, please.” The more he says my name, the more angry I get. The less patient I get. And I am not patient.

“Can you not see how in love with you I an you idiot! Are you that blind or do you get pleasure from ripping me apart?” My confession weighs on him like a ton of bricks, I feel his hands stutter on mine. I see his mouth freeze and the color drain from his face.

If I didn’t feel stupid before, I feel it now. I feel more than stupid, I feel crushed. Completely shattered by his silent rejection.

He drops his hands, too in shock to keep such a strong grip. Tears are welling up again, and my lip refuses to stop quivering. I can’t hold it together and I’ve already made enough of a fool out of myself. I have to leave. Its the only thing I’m good at.

Turning swiftly on my heals, I make my escape, eyes set on the door ahead. But there it is again. His hand on my wrist. And its yanking at me more than ever before. It’s spinning me around until I am secure in Conrad’s arms and his lips are pressed to mine so quickly, there is no time to second guess it.

Its heavenly, the way his mouth molds to mine, the way its not rushed. Even after all this time, he is patient. He is playing it out and we are both enjoying it. His kiss happened in a way that nobody else would ever be able to recreate. The sparks were deadly, it was all too much for anything to ever be the same.

We were breathless then, when he pulled away and the look in his eyes was sparkling, almost as beautiful as his smile.

“Conrad, I…” He’s smiling at my shock and his hands are on my cheeks now. His touch his firm and he’s never letting go. We don’t have to speak to understand that this is what we are now. Silently, we are agreeing to be more, and I understand that he’s not going anywhere.

And he kisses me in a way that would screw me up forever.

[sourcherryandsprinkles]

Conrad deserves better than Belly. After he sees Jere and her kiss, he get his ass to Stanford and meet this cute and smart maybe tutor girl (Haley James style) and falls in love with her and then they show up at Jere's wedding years later and Belly is jelly

I've spent the last five days working on this one.

p.s. it's 2k words...

my taglists are here + you can send requests here at any time

—

When Conrad finished his exam, he went back to Jeremiah and Belly. He was going to tell and confess his love to her before she had to get home, but when he got to his car, the scene Conrad walked on made him sick to his stomach: Belly and Jeremiah were full on making out against his car. He stopped short of the car and cleared his throat, causing the two to spring apart from their heated kiss and see Conrad looking right at them. 

Conrad’s face was white. He would rather have had someone shoot him in the head with a nail gun, repeatedly, than have to watch the two of them kissing.

He didn't know who he was more angry at. Belly, who, not even a day ago, had told him she would have fought harder for him if she knew he loved her that much. Or Jeremiah, who, although he knew how much Belly meant to his brother and how fucking in love he was with her, seized the opportunity to kiss Belly the moment he was alone with her.

‘’Conrad—’’ Belly started, guilt settling in her guts. 

He cut her off, his voice cold and cutting. ‘’I don’t want to hear it.’’ 

His gaze shifted from Belly to Jeremiah. There was so much hate in his eyes. How could Jere do that to him? They agreed to stop hiding things from each other and talk, but Jeremiah must have forgotten already. 

‘’You broke up with her, Con, remember? We did nothing wrong,’’ Jeremiah said, pulling facts in his favor to make himself feel better — less guilty — for kissing his brother’s ex.  

When Conrad kissed Belly on the beach last summer, he didn’t know she and Jeremiah were a thing — if he could call it that — or that he liked her. If he had, he wouldn’t have kissed Belly or confessed his feelings to her. Had the situation had been in reverse, Conrad wasn’t sure Jeremiah would have backed off. 

‘’I’m done.’’ Conrad's voice was resolute, his heart heavy as he turned away, unable to bear the sight of them any longer.

Jeremiah moved to follow, calling out Conrad's name. He didn’t stop, needing to be as far as possible from the painful scene. His mind was racing with a jumble of emotions. Anger, betrayal, and a profound hurt gnawed at him. He had trusted both Belly and Jeremiah, yet they pulled this shit behind his back. 

‘’Why do you always have to act like that?’’ Jeremiah said as he quickened his pace to catch up. 

Finally, Conrad turned to face Jeremiah, his expression a mix of sorrow and resentment. ‘’You don’t get to tell me how to react, Jere. You kiss the girl I love outside my school, against my car while she’s wearing my sweatshirt. If you don’t see how disgusting and messed up it all sounds—’’

‘’She kissed me,’’ the younger one quickly defended. 

 Hearing this made him want to pack his bags, get his ass to stanford and focus on school. He needed to turn the Belly page, and in order to do that, he needed to be away from both she and Jeremiah. California seemed far enough, right?

*

The first days and weeks were tough for Conrad, struggling to accept the definite end of the relationship. She was still all over him like a wine-stained shirt he couldn’t wear anymore. 

He blocked both Belly and Jeremiah’ numbers. If he wanted to move on, he had to keep his distance from them. For a while, at least. Then, he deleted all the old pictures he kept of Belly on his phone. There was no going back for them anymore. 

He was done.

*

You met Conrad a little before Christmas break. Just like those cliché rom-coms, you walked right into him and spilled your chai latte all over his sweater. You wanted to break the cliché and not fall for the victim of your clumsiness, but after one look into those beautiful blue eyes, you knew it would be impossible. 

 After that day, you kept crossing paths around campus and, one afternoon, you asked him out. He was so surprised, but he said ‘yes’. 

Although you had sealed the end of the night with a few kisses, you decided to take things slow. You had a very busy schedule with the tutoring lessons on top of your regular program, and Conrad was unsure if it was too soon to get in another relationship, if he was ready for it. The scar Belly had left on his heart was healing, but was he ready to open his heart to someone again? 

‘’Have you ever been in love?’’ you asked one night in his dorm while studying. 

Your question had caught Conrad off guard. It was visible on his face. 

‘’Have you?’’ he returned, not taking his eyes off his textbook. 

He was trying to dodge the question. 

‘’I asked you first,’’ you said, seeing through his plan.

‘’Then yes.’’

‘’How many times?’’

‘’Once.’’

His answers were flat, annoyed he was by all your questions. He wished you would stop and get back to studying in silence, but you kept going. 

‘’On a scale of one to ten, how in love were you?’’

‘’You can’t put being in love on a scale,’’ he said, lifting his head with furrowed eyebrows. ‘’Either you are or you aren’t.’’

‘’But if you had to say.’’

Conrad started flipping through his notes. He hadn’t thought of Belly in months. He missed her — in a different way he used to. She was his friend before they got tangled into this mess.

He didn’t look at you when he finally said it. ‘’Ten.’’

*

The more time he spent in your presence, the more Conrad was — unknowingly — letting go of his past. 

The pictures he deleted months ago became pictures of you, filling his phone until there was no space left. The smell of your perfume lingered on some of his clothes and in his car. He had your coffee order memorized, along with your favorite study-break snack, which he made sure to have in stock in his dorm. 

You became part of his routine — part of his life —, brightening his days even on his darkest, saddest nights. 

He didn’t want to bother you, but nothing was calming the ache in his chest. He tried getting some air and smoking weed, he even thought of calling Laurel, but it was almost 2am in Pennsylvania. Conrad didn’t want to scare her. 

So he pulled up your contact and called, the weight of his grief still heavy in his heart, wishing Susannah was still there. He couldn't believe a full year had gone by since she took her last breath. 

You were about to slip into bed when you saw his name flashing on your phone. You almost didn’t pick up, but you got a gut feeling that he needed you. 

When you opened your door, a saddened look was etched onto Conrad's face, his beautiful eyes glistening with unshed tears. The sight pulled at your heart and you wrapped your arms around him, holding him for the whole night.

Supported each other through finals and all-nighters.

‘’Getting tired?’’ you said, catching him actively fighting against his own eyelids. 

Conrad shook his head, taking a long gulp of his coffee. ‘’No time for sleep. I have this huge exam first thing tomorrow and I still have a lot of chapters to cover.’’

‘’You can take a short nap if you want. I’ll wake you in thirty minutes,’’ you kindly offered, flipping through your notes for a specific annotation. 

‘’Nah, I’m good.’’ He flashed you a soft smile, then returned to his studying. 

A few minutes later, and you couldn't help but notice that Conrad's eyes had begun to droop. They would halfway close and then he would either blink a bunch of times, or widen his eyes until they were bug eyed. It was cute.

‘’Con? Conrad?’’ you called out gently. 

‘’I'm not sleeping. I'm resting my eyes,’’ he mumbled defensively, fighting fatigue.

There was no way he was getting through the night, so you put your notes down and slipped on Conrad’s flannel shirt that was on the back of your chair to shield you from the night air. ‘’We’re gonna need more coffee.’’ 

As you came back with two fresh cups of coffee, you found Conrad fast asleep on your pillow, still clutching his pen.

And held his hand through the rainiest times — literally.

‘’Isn't California supposed to be the sunniest state?’’ Conrad asked, watching the downpour through the windshield, drenched from head to toe. ‘’The seats are all wet...’’ 

‘’You gotta learn to live with the consequences of your own actions, Connie baby.’’ 

It was his idea to get waffles when the sky was looking very gray and angry. He insisted that it would clear out, but a loud clap of thunder echoed on your way back to the car and rain started pouring. You took the road back to campus, but it got too dangerous, forcing Conrad to stop the car on the shoulder of the road and wait for the rain to calm. 

You wiped your face with the sleeve of your hoodie and a smile curled on Conrad’s lips, still the most beautiful to his eyes despite your wet hair and the slight smear of mascara under your eyes. 

 ‘’Rain happens everywhere. Even in the dryest desert,’’ you reminded him, pulling out your phone to check the weather app.‘’Unfortunately, this one isn't gonna stop anytime soon.’’

You toed off your sneakers, making Conrad draw his eyebrows.

‘’What are you doing?’’

‘’We’re gonna be here for a while.’’ You peeled off your hoodie — also wet from the rain —, leaving you in your skirt and dainty bralette. ‘’Might as well occupy ourselves,’’ you explained before leaning over the middle console and kissing him, fastening yourself to him with a stitch. 

The kiss took him by surprise, but he wasn’t complaining. He could spend hours kissing you and never get bored. 

You crawled over the console and on Conrad’s lap without breaking contact, your hands easily finding grip on his hair as you felt his hands all over your body, caressing and pulling. The windows were fogging quickly around you, creating a veil of privacy as more layers were peeled off.

Conrad once believed he had found love, that Belly was it for him, but the feelings he felt back then were nothing compared to how he felt right now. 

‘’You’re the best thing that happened to me,’’ he confessed, his forehead pressed against yours. 

*

The invitation came in a few weeks before the wedding. Conrad couldn’t believe his brother was going through with this. Everything was happening so fast and seemed rushed. Him and Belly weren’t even twenty. Who gets married so young anymore? 

He arrived in Cousins a few days prior to the wedding, surprising everyone — and stealing the attention from the soon-to-be-weds — when they saw a girl with him. 

The only person who knew exactly who you were was Steven. A few months ago, you had posted a picture with Conrad at the beach and tagged him, leading to Steven finding out about his friend’s new girlfriend. He was surprised when he saw it, but very happy for Conrad. He deserved better than someone who plays between two hearts. 

Laurel put down the table-center she was holding and went over to pull Conrad in a hug. She turned to you, making quick introductions, and Conrad held his breath. He’s always been close to Laurel and her approval meant more to him than his father’s or Jeremiah’s. 

While the two of you engaged into a conversation, he saw her. Belly. Dressed in a white sundress and talking to Taylor, she looked just the same. The only difference was, Conrad felt nothing. No pain, no old feelings rising back. 

For the first time, what’s past was past.

‘’Belly, come greet Connie and his girlfriend,’’ Laurel called out to her daughter. 

Although you had never met her, you could tell exactly who she was in the room — and not only because her dress was white. The jealousy filling her eyes when they fell on you gave her away.

—

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[lemon-jellybelly]

it's nice to know that you love somebody (okay, do you want to party?)

The Fourth of July is Susannah's favorite holiday, and it happens to be the day Conrad's invited you to meet her for the first time. You're extra eager to make a good impression but it turns out, he's right: you have nothing to worry about.

Simple, sweet, pure fluff.

Title from the song "Rimbaud, Come and Sit For A While" by No Rome / crossposted to ao3

I'm not much for celebrating America, but who am I to deny Susannah her 4th? If you're US based (or not!), please consider using your resources today to support oppressed and underprivileged communities in our country. Happy to provide reputable organizations at request.

You had tried on four possible outfits already and were reaching for a fifth when Conrad finally spoke up. He was lounging on your bed, one arm behind his head, enjoying the view as you stripped, but even he was getting impatient. "You look great in all of these," he said. "Just pick one."

You twisted your lips at your reflection, unconvinced. "But which one is the best?" You asked, meeting his eyes in the mirror.

Conrad smirked, angling his chin towards the cherry-red romper you'd declared too short. "You know which one is my favorite."

You rolled your eyes and turned so that you could kneel on the edge of the bed and lightly slap his arm. "Which one is best for introducing me to your mother?" You amended.

He reached his arm out to rub your thigh. "Anything, seriously. You don't need to worry. She'd adore you even if you showed up in a clown costume. And so would I, for what it's worth."

A short laugh escaped from your mouth. "How romantic."

"I thought so."

You leaned forward to kiss him chastely, pulling back with a grin before you could get even more distracted. "Okay." You said, standing back up and returning to the mirror. Head cocked, you surveyed your options once more. You reached for the discarded clothing, sifting through until you found a blue linen skirt and white top, opaque enough that no more than a hint of your bikini peeked through. "Okay," you repeated, once you had it all on. "How's this?"

"Perfect." Conrad said dutifully, and you saw the bed dip in the mirror as he hoisted himself up. "You look absolutely beautiful." He came up behind you, resting his chin atop your head and curling a hand around your hip.

"We look pretty good together." You mused.

"All thanks to you." He winked. Of course, you would say the same to him. Conrad looked as gorgeous as always: sandy hair perfectly tousled, seaglass eyes bright and clear, t-shirt perfectly fitted against his strong arms. You gazed at each other for a moment, and then Conrad kissed you on the cheek. "Ready to go?" With just a few last touches you were, and you slid your sunglasses on as you hopped into Conrad's front seat.

"Let's do it."

The radio was playing Taylor Swift when your turned it on, and this helped you keep your nerves in check on the short drive over. However, as soon as you began approaching the driveway, they hit in full force. It didn’t feel like butterflies in your stomach - it felt like you had swallowed a pound of stones, one dropping down after the other. You pressed lightly on your abdomen and exhaled slowly as Conrad parked the car and swiveled to face you.

"You ok?"

"A little bit terrified," you admitted, avoiding eye contact. You knew how much Conrad loved his mom and respected her opinion. What if she hated you and he broke it off? What if she was indifferent and so he kept you around but it was never the same, and it fizzled out? What if, what if, what if.

"Hey," Conrad said softly. When you still wouldn't look at him, he put a hand under your chin and gently angled your face in his direction. You were relieved to see his expression was earnest. "I told you," he promised soothingly. "My mom is going to love you. You're kind, and generous, and smart, and funny, and beautiful, and she sees how unbelievably happy you make me." He was so sweet and sincere that you had to blink away a few rising tears, bowing your head ever-so slightly to rest in his cupped hand.

“But what if she doesn’t?” You breathed, barely audible.

Conrad’s thumb stroked your jaw delicately. “If, for some extraordinary reason, like that she’s been replaced by an alien, if she doesn’t like you, then she’ll learn to like you. I wouldn’t stop being with you.”

Maybe it was silly, but the reassurance calmed you instantly. You could feel your shoulders lower, your jaw unclench. "I'm so lucky I found you." You marveled in a whisper, and Conrad's face split into a grin. Right then, before you could kiss him like you so badly wanted to, you were quite rudely interrupted by a car behind you slamming on the horn thrice in quick succession. As you stepped out of the car, you saw that it was Jeremiah and Steven, each carrying two large bags of ice.

"Hey!" Steven shouted in greeting. You said your hellos as they approached, and the four of you began moving together towards the front entrance.

"My mom's been talking about you all morning." Jeremiah informed you as you climbed the steps. "She can't wait to finally meet you."

"I'm not quite sure if that makes me more nervous or less." You said, but you didn't have time to consider it before the door was swinging open in front of you. Steven and Jeremiah stomped right in, bringing the ice through the kitchen, but you hesitated inside the doorframe. Conrad put a reassuring hand to the small of your back just as Susannah came rushing down the hall.

"You're here!" She squealed. "Oh my God, I am so glad you were able to join us today!" You’d seen pictures, of course, but there was something about Susannah’s beauty that was so specific to her livelihood. Maybe it was the unabashed crinkle by her eyes when she smiled, or the unbridled glee in her voice. Whatever it was, you could already feel the contagion of her energy spreading into your frozen limbs.

"Thank you so much for having me!" You gushed. “It's such a pleasure to finally meet you."

"The pleasure is all mine," Susannah said. "I'm a hugger. Are you a hugger?"

You were able to get out a "Yeah, sure," before Susannah was sweeping you into her arms and squeezing gently. She smelled classy but sweet, expensive but still young and fresh.

"Please, please, come in." She said, ushering you forward once her arms were withdrawn. "We have plenty to eat and drink, make yourself comfortable." Conrad was trailing slightly behind, a clearly amused grin on his lips.

This wasn't your first time in the house, but you were still awestruck by its beauty, especially now that it was filled with the sights and scents of Susannah's party prep. "Wow," you said, surveying the table of food. You had wanted to bring something, but Conrad was adamant that it wasn’t necessary, and he turned out to be correct. You couldn’t think of a single food or drink that wasn’t already laid out. There were even a few unfinished items still on the counter: a half-frosted cake, some freshly washed berries in their plastic clamshells, an open bottle of wine. "Is there anything I can help with?"

"Not at all, but I love you for asking." Susannah said breezily. "Connie, though, will you go help Steven and your brother break up the ice for the drinks?" He nodded, squeezing your waist and shooting you an encouraging smile before heading out to the back deck.

You observed Susannah for a moment as she picked up a knife and smothered it in frosting. "Conrad told me this was your favorite holiday, but I wasn't expecting all this...it's very impressive."

"Oh," Susannah said, touching a hand to her collarbone. "I love to do all of this, you know?" You nodded, watching her resume her cake decoration. "Conrad told me quite a lot about you." she said. "I hear you're staying in New England for school next year?"

"Yep," you confirmed, filling her in on the details: your school, your major, the reason you decided to attend. After your last point, she chimed in.

"And it's not too far from Brown."

"No," you laughed. "Not too far at all." Her smile wasn't at all subtle, but you took this as a good sign. "If I get my way, I'll be spending a good amount of time down in Providence." Susannah's smile grew just a bit wider.

You didn’t know what to say next and Susannah seemed content to focus on her cake. Did she think this was awkward? You wondered. Or was she comfortable with the silence? You cleared your throat, willing yourself to think of something, anything, to talk about.

"I'd love to hear more about the charity you're involved with." You landed on. "I'm really passionate about women's rights; I volunteer at a Planned Parenthood back home."

"That's wonderful." Susannah said. "You kids really are the future." She swept up the conversation from there, wanting to learn more about your experience and considering it against her own at the shelter.

It only took about ten minutes total before the boys came back in, but in that time, you moved on to tell Susannah about your family, your friends your summer plans, your hobbies, and more. She had an uncanny way of getting you to speak without asking too many questions, and she listened intently to every answer.

"How's it going in here?" Conrad asked, coming up to the counter beside you. You had just finished regaling Susannah with the story of how you tried to learn to surf last summer.

"Good," you said, trying to convey your excitement and relief through your eyes without embarrassing yourself in front of Susannah.

"Fantastic." Susannah agreed. "I can certainly see why the two of you get along so well." Under the lip of the counter, Conrad squeezed your hand.

"Belly just came out," Conrad said to you. "Do you wanna head outside, and I'll come meet you in a minute?" You knew that he wanted to get his mother’s unfiltered opinion, and as anxious as you were, you wanted to know to. So you agreed, excusing yourself and stepping out. Just as you did, your sandal came undone and you knelt on the deck to fix it. You really, truly had no intention of eavesdropping; the doors were fully closed, but an open window above you carried Susannah and Conrad's voices out to you.

"She's lovely," Susannah said, and you didn't know her well enough yet, but she sounded genuine to you. "Just as sweet and bright as you described her." Conrad murmured something a bit too low for you to make out, but based on his mother's reaction, it had to be good. “She’s good for you. I like the way you’re smiling around her. I feel like I haven’t seen that in a while.”

“Yeah,” he agreed. “I don’t know, I just feel, like, lighter, or something. Like I don’t have to think so hard, I can just…be.”

“Someone who gets Conrad out of his own head.” Susannah mused. “Isn’t that something.” They were both quiet for a beat before she spoke again. "You really like her." It was less of a question, more of a confirmation.

"I really, really do." He said. "Mom, I think…I think I love her."

"Oh, Connie." Susannah cooed. Your shoe was fixed now and your heart was beating too erratically to stay so close. As you stood to inch away, you could see Susannah cupping Conrad's cheek in her palm, her adoring face matching his beaming one.

You felt...fuzzy, almost, like you were covered in something soft and warm and safe. He loved you. Conrad Fisher loved you. And you loved him back. How rare, how fortuitous, was that? It didn't matter that he hadn't said it to you yet. It didn’t matter that he said “I think.” It was enough to know it was there, that the seed was planted and growing. You could be patient and soon enough you would see it’s spectacular bloom.

The revelation was so all-encompassing that you nearly tripped on your own feet as you approached the small group of kids who had arrived, other friends of the Conklins and Fishers. "Did someone have too much to drink already?" Belly teased, coming forward to give you a hug.

You laughed, squeezing her back. "Nah, too early for me." You said. "I'm just a natural klutz." You settled in and began chatting, trying to fight the urge to crane your neck every thirty seconds to see if Conrad was coming. Thankfully, it was only a few minutes before he showed up, gesturing for you to step away with a jerk of his neck. He was holding a frozen red drink in each hand, a margarita from the looks of it, one of which he offered to you as you got closer. You thanked him and the two of you wandered over to sit on a bench.

"So," he said before taking a long sip of his drink. He swallowed and looked off thoughtfully, drawing it out to raise your anticipation.

"Conrad!" You swatted at him. "Just tell me if I passed the test." You knew what you had heard, but what if you misconstrued part of it? You couldn't read their faces or body language. You didn't know Susannah's tones. You had no clue what they said after you walked away.

Conrad grinned, extending an arm around your shoulder to pull you closer into his side. "Oh, with flying colors." He said, and you buried your face into his chest, both relieved and ecstatic. "You aced it. She thinks you're amazing. She wanted to know if you'll come back tomorrow night for dinner." His hand drifted to your back to rub soothingly along your spine, dipping down just under the waistband of your skirt and trailing back up again.

"Thank God." You muttered into his shirt. You breathed in his scent, laundry detergent and cologne and a hint of sweat, before lifting your chin towards him. "Yes, of course. I would love to." He dropped his forehead to you and let the tip of his nose brush against yours. He was thrilled, too; it was apparent in his dancing eyes, even as they were half-hidden behind his ruffled hair. "Wow," you breathed, mouth practically meeting his. "I can't believe after all that build up, I can finally just relax."

He kissed you then, cutting off the end of your sentence by parting your lips with his own. He traced your bottom lip with his tongue, slowly, before nipping at it with his front teeth, and you keened.

"Well," he said, drawing back an inch. "I wouldn't relax just yet." You furrowed your eyebrows, questioning. "That wasn't even the hard part." He kissed you again, once, then smirked. "You still haven't met Laurel."