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mewtwo24 · 9 months

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I finally finished reading the fourth volume of svsss in full, and thing is--the first time through I only read the bingqiu content because I was ravenous for more of their happy ending.

Turns out that was a perilous mistake.

Because I started reading the airplane extras. And I swear to god. MXTX is trying to kill me

What do you MEAN demon lord Binghe was sitting on his big fucking throne. All stoic and forbidding. Surrounded by his demon generals who don't know shit about human courtship. Asking them what he should do, fully demoralized by constant rejections from sqq, only to have airplane tell him to act more pathetic and needy. Which is already hysterically funny and insane, UNTIL LBH'S RESPONSE IS THIS, KILLING ME INSTANTLY:

LUO BINGHE. WHY DOES HE SAY IT LIKE: "I already tried that, didn't work--nothing works :/ not mean, not maidenly, not housewife, not spicy, not capable disciple. Is doubling down on clingy really all it will take? What's a born hater with only one love in his life to do????"

The dichotomy of him sitting there like 'how can I reach the unfathomable depths of shizun's heart?' A HEART HE'S ALREADY WON OVER, MIND and then in the Holy Mausoleum solving the puzzle without blinking and being like 'oh yeah you just have to hit the acupoints, no sweat.' Literally the comedy writes itself I'm so--

How am I supposed to be normal about this. MXTX understands the juicy quintessential queer joy of a person with the world's power at their fingertips wishing only for love. Willing to do anything to earn that love, when unbeknownst to them it's already been freely given. Totally not screaming and yelling and clawing at the walls

And that's not even touching airplane's uproarious account of events. The way he's like 'lol what's next, lbh and sqq are best friends now? smfh' only to see lbh TACKLE SQQ LOVINGLY. FOR SQQ TO BE BASHFUL ABOUT IT BUT SO SO FOND OF THE LITTLE SCAMP. This when we've been experiencing sqq's constant inner monologue of 'I'm so cool and so dignified about my role, truly the epitome of propriety and poser-level fortitude.' Meanwhile, in their universe:

Airplane constantly flaming???? Sqq and lbh in his observations????? His absolute bewilderment and confusion????? Legendary. No notes every single second of this shit was hilarious.

Airplane's comment that sqq + older adolescent lbh traveling together was just watching a couple in their honeymoon phase. OR the fact that lbh is exceedingly petty and refuses to share their food in the wake of airplane's interruption of their time together, until sqq relents sheepishly and insists airplane eat what's left (ONLY AFTER PLACATING LBH WITH MORE FOOD FROM HIS PLATE, SOBBING)

Watching airplane salivate over Mobei-Jun and acting like that's totally normal behavior. Finding out mbj and airplane got together first. Finding out sqq encouraged airplane. LIKE THIS. WHILE HE IS STILL IN DENIAL ABOUT HIS OWN FEELINGS:

Mobei-jun clearly thinking their arrangement is a forever thing, heartbroken his human abandoned him with all the hapless fury of a scorned wife swept away by false promises of fidelity. Airplane writing demons to be the type to beat up their crush lovingly and still unable to connect the dots about mbj's feelings. Mbj letting him go and respecting his wishes, only relenting when there's indication airplane was poorly processing his own feelings and didn't actually want to leave. Mbj caring for him and listening to him as soon as airplane voices what he needs directly and with clarity. None of these gays are functional and it's everything to me

Unrelated, but I physically can't hold this information in anymore:

I'm still reeling from younger lbh having his sexual awakening from the image of sqq wrapped in the immortal binding cables. Condemn me as you like he was so, so real for that.

And no I will not be taking any comments about how luo bingge couldn't bear to see luo binghe cherished in ways he never got to have and all the haunting implications of that. I will also not be taking any comments about luo binghe's instinct to look for sqq in that alternate universe, only to be shaken to the very core to be unable to find his shizun anywhere. The unspeakable and latent horror of his relentless mind likely piecing together what happened, but unable to say it; to suspect what is true, and live with the harrowing confusion of his double's actions. To blame himself, to assume that he had let his anger get the better of him in that world and result in unspeakable folly...

I also refuse to talk about how heartrending it is to hear Tianlang-jun weakly say "In the end, I really can't bring myself to hate humans." The implication that the foolishness of that hope and bright-eyed fondness--the very thing that put him through such unspeakable agony--couldn't be beaten out of him entirely. To discover that his faith in Su Xiyan hadn't been misplaced, to the contrary: his beloved hadn't scorned him at all, but rather fought to the miserable end to protect the fruition of their genuine feelings of love when she couldn't protect tlj or herself.

How MXTX has sqq deliberately draw parallels between their situation and that of ygy+sj and tlj+sx; desperately wishing it might not be too late for them. The concept of breaking cycles of abuse and harm pervasive throughout the newly devised story, how it evolves for the better only when love takes the place of power, pride, and domination. How the moment sqq chooses vulnerability instead of saving face, the genre shifts to the so-called "cringe" girly genre where most if not every character is more fulfilled, more true to themselves. How the "male-oriented" former genre was aimlessly sensationalized and sexualized, how it was a sustained performance of aspirational toxic masculinity. How men objectify other men without end. All of the unspoken gendered implications that come with that.

Anyways. Going to go put my head in a sandbox and try to process everything I just witnessed because even a second reading is not enough to find a modicum of closure.

#svsss #bingqiu #moshang #i swear to god this series is just 'gay man who doesn't know shit inflicting his delusional reality on everyone else and inciting chaos'#and literally it's slapstick levels of hilarious every single time; mxtx never change #also i fully agree that we did not get NEARLY enough mobei-jun and sqh/airplane content #the amount of mental illness to mental illness communication going on there was astonishing #mobei-jun being afraid of his uncle and bringing sqh because that's the only person he trusts fully (WAILING NOISES)#sqh having a tantrum but running away because for the first time he was honest about his needs + his dissatisfaction with catering to other #how that reflects his narrative compulsions and how he felt forced to warp more creative story paths for the sake of survival as a writer #how sqq's restoration of much of his original intent--as well as mobei-jun's acceptance of his needs--helps airplane begin to heal #how his happiness begins; how just like sqq he wanders in such confusion and denial before he's forced to realize what truly matters to him #SHREK VOICE: STORIES HAVE. L A Y E R S #it feels like modern day shakespeare and when i say that i don't mean it in a hollow elevating sense i mean it more like #mxtx just hits that perfect balance of poignance but also hilarious concentric circles of botched communication and brainworms #okay but real talk for a minute? .........;-;#the way lbh constantly struggles with such a crushing feeling that he'll be abandoned over any little mishap/thing/problem #really hit me where it hurts??? if only because its so clearly an anxiety that stems from original goods' upbringing #the way it becomes even more heartrending when you think back to all the sect leaders clamoring that he should have been killed as an infan #that he should have been aborted as a fetus--insisting right in front of him that his birth was a mistake and a disgrace #over having demon blood in his veins. like my god that scene is so viscerally upsetting i struggle to read it #the way its so easy to see the demons as a manifestation of otherness in precipitated form #how both sqq and sqh are influenced by human rhetoric without evening meaning to--assuming the worst against their better judgment #how both sqq and sqh both struggle with their own otherness in different ways and only find solace when they begin to accept who they are #how their lovers (lbh and mbj respectively) both are willing to navigate those confusing waters with them #how both demons love them as they are--accept them as they are despite how difficult forgiveness of perceived betrayal is for them #ty mxtx for changing my brain chemistry #as i get older i have such a fondness for the messiness of thematic queer self-discovery and growth into self-acceptance #that and how youth can so easily be defined by perfectionistic self-harm and the violence of repression

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meownotgood · 4 months

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more mermaid reader x sailor aki. part 2 of this. ignore how long this is... my... brain worms...

aki returns to sailing a few days later. granted, it's in a much smaller boat: one of his spare fishing boats he used before he saved up enough to purchase a proper one. the ocean can never keep him away for long, no matter what it chooses to throw at him. the familiar sun warms his skin, his lungs filled with breath after breath of the sea. rays shimmer off of clear, cool water. it's hard to believe, almost, that this sea was once rocky and wild. that pelting rain, strong winds, and salty depths almost claimed him.

the water is clear enough, in fact, to allow aki to easily spot a glimmer of green scales and a long, damaged tail.

you've been swimming not far from the shore for a few days now. aki figures you can't head back into the deeper parts of the ocean; you're weak, after all. he can spot you for brief moments amongst the rocks and seaweed, but each time he brings his boat in your direction, you disappear as quick as he noticed you.

aki is beginning to question if he's even capable of helping you in the first place. he doesn't fault you for being scared, for not trusting him. he can hardly think of a reason why you'd choose to save him, really. but if he doesn't get you out of this cove, someone is going to notice. someone with much worse intentions.

so aki throws himself back into his boat and sails into the water, again and again. to little success, of course. after days of trying, the closest he ever gets to you is a few feet away; you hover close to the surface of the water, your hair flowing around you, stray nets of fishing line caught in the mess of your tail. your eyes meet his. aki remains still, wonderment in his gaze. but when he reaches out, fingertips hesitantly skimming the surface of the water, you twist and dive deeper, vanishing into the distance.

he's almost ready to give up. to accept you don't trust him, and leave you to your own whims. until, when he's taking a break from searching, lying back on his boat and watching puffy white clouds pass, he manages to spot a shimmer in the very corner of his vision — aki turns, to see you're already staring at him. head tilted, soft eyes on his, your fingers delicately holding the edge of his boat. you let go as he sits up, but for once, you don't disappear. you swim back a bit, and you eye him up and down, the same pinch in your brows he remembers seeing before. but for once, you stay.

aki feels like he's just struck gold. his heart pounds, and he holds as still as possible, trying to think of something to say, something to do. he has his hair half-up, shell-shaped earrings glitter on his lobes. you notice he has nothing in his small boat, save for a brown pack in a far corner. you examine him cautiously, anyways.

"hello," aki manages. he cringes at how nervous he sounds. can you even understand him? he's known sirens to be able to imitate human speech, but mermaids are completely different. they have their own manner of speaking, and they try to stray away from humans whenever possible. your expression changes slightly when you hear him speak. he can't tell if you have any idea what he's said or not. you look annoyed, almost, the fins on your ears pulled back like a cat about to hiss.

raising out of the water a bit more, you give him his first clear view of your face. parts of your shoulders and chest are textured with the same layer of scales as your tail. you raise your hands above water, and you sign.

aki wishes he paid more attention when he was a kid, to the sign language lessons his parents tried to teach him, because then, maybe, he would be able to speak to you freely. his parents were fishers too. they spent every sunlit day on the ocean, up until when they passed away. there's no use in communicating with mermaids, aki thought — he doesn't care to understand them when they have no interest in people.

and yet, you are different. you're here. you saved him. the storm on that fateful night could have taken him, just as it had once taken his parents. when his brother went out to look for them, only to never been seen again, aki prayed for the cruel ocean to have mercy. he hated it. hated the smell of the sea and the whisper of calm waves, but it was all he had left.

it would drown him some day. he knew it would have him in the end, grasping him in dark watery clutches, like how it took everything he once cared about. when the water was choking him, invading his lungs and promising to be his coffin, until his vision was fading into frothy nothingness, he wasn't afraid of death. the ocean is a home for those with nothing left to lose. still, you saved him from that fate.

why, why was his family left to die, while he was made to live?

he's not sure. there probably isn't a reason. no god is taking pity on him, nor the universe, nor the ocean itself — even though its fierce waves should be punishing him. this is his fault. he's the one who toys with death, who doesn't give a damn towards his own well-being. he's the one who got his brother killed.

all he knows now, is that if he gave up here, if he let you die, he'd only be allowing another sacrifice to be in vain. mermaid or not, it doesn't matter. he wouldn't forgive himself.

your mouth presses into a line. your tail sways, while you gesture to him, to yourself. aki takes a moment or so to grasp what you're trying to say. I know who you are.

blinking, he stares at you with slight confusion. your palms cup together, and they imitate the bob of a vessel on waves. boat. your fingers splay and cross over, matching the crosshatch pattern of mesh, before you reach out and imitate a large shape. net. you make a gripping, stabbing motion. harpoon.

"oh," aki swallows, gaze darkening. "I... I get it."

he tries to formulate a response as quick as possible. you watch, wide-eyed, as he clumsily — endearingly, somewhat — attempts to recall what signs he knows. safe, he demonstrates, with a swift movement of hands clenched, arms crossed over. and then, help, followed by an awkward point to himself. he swears under his breath sharply, stalling, struggling to remember. until finally, he signs hastily: sorry.

your gaze scans him, unreadable. he begins to move slowly, his eyes kept on yours. he reaches back, he grabs the strap of his bag. abruptly, you flinch, dipping below the water slightly.

"no, no, it's okay," aki reassures, holding up his palms. you freeze, and perhaps you can understand him, or maybe it's just his smooth voice reassuring you — but still, again, you don't run. thankfully. aki places his bag in his lap and fiddles with the zipper, shaky, nervous hands struggling to do it right.

"I brought supplies. to help you," he says; he digs around his bag once he has it open, he grasps a roll of gauze and takes it out to show you. "see? don't know how well this'll work, but-" he shows you a small bottle, "I brought disinfectant," another bottle, this one is clear, with liquid sloshing inside, "fresh water." then, he pulls out a large hunting knife, the blade sheathed in leather. still, you know exactly what it is. "to cut the fishing line."

your eyes are wide. you tense, you retreat into the water on instinct, leaving just the top of your head visable.

"it's okay, don't run- no knife? alright, okay. that's fine."

aki stands, the boat wobbling slightly from the shift in his weight. you lift up again, just in time to watch him chuck the knife as far as he can into the ocean. it hits the water with a slight plip, only to sink down until it's gone from view.

"there. I won't hurt you, I promise." his gaze meets yours again, and you seem to breathe deeply, relaxing. your expression carries a hint of understanding. aki kneels down, close to the boat's edge. "it's alright if you don't trust me. but please, at least let me repay you. come here, I'll pull you up."

he extends a hand out towards you, and you give him one more quick once over. carefully, hesitantly, you swim closer. aki admires the way sunlight shimmers in the scales on your cheeks, the way your finned ears twitch in interest. you reach up, your delicate fingers brush his — warm, you are warmer than he thought you'd be. delightfully warm. you take his hand, your palm is soft, yet slippery. aki grasps back, and he pulls.

you're dragged up, as aki heaves you onto the boat, making the whole thing sway and his brows knot from the effort. he grasps both your forearms to make it easier. when the weight of your large tail finally rests down in the boat, he's stumbling back. the entire boat is shifting, and you're falling forward as he's losing his footing.

aki tumbles onto his back with a huff, you settle on his chest — oh, how your poor heart races, pattering to a rapid rhythm between your ribs. your hair drips with water, echoing a steady noise when droplets hit the wooden deck of his boat. his palm idly presses to the small of your back as he sits up.

his touch, the reserved sailor you saved that night, with long dark hair, and handsome features you found unforgettable. he was alone when you decided to follow him. sailing alone, late at night with only the light of the moon and the lanterns on his ship to guide him, while thunder rolled overhead and promised sleeplessness to come. he was either a reckless idiot, a self-sabotaging fool, or both. the dark water hid you from view as you followed in the wake left by his ship. you weren't intending to meddle, but when lightning struck down and his boat crumbled, when he went plummeting into the deep, were you just supposed to leave him to the waves?

should you have just let him die?

you pondered it, while hiding in the rocks of the cove, busying yourself with trying to pull splinters of driftwood from the gash in your tail. you have no allegiance to humans, especially senseless ones. you could have left him so easily and never once turned back. but —

aki glances up at you, lightly catching his breath. and he smiles. his eyes crinkle, his lips tip upward. the way he looks at you is the softest, most genuine thing you've ever known.

you've been hiding all your life. you have never been familiar with anything but the depths, and the occasional ships that drift past. you know humans are dangerous. you haven't spoken with your own kind since you were a child, but you've witnessed what they can do, you've been told they'll hunt you if they see you. for your tail and your scales and the glory; you shouldn't have saved him, that much is obvious. everything was telling you that you shouldn't have.

but aki is the first human you've ever met, and the first person to ever smile at you. in a singular moment, all of your regrets disappear, to be replaced by tender, heart-pounding warmth.

"hello," he repeats, breathing a slight sigh in satisfaction. god, he did it, you trust him. adrenaline runs thick in his veins. he has a damn mermaid in his lap, of all ridiculous things.

he allows his gaze to trail over you. he examines your tail, delicate fins tangled up in fishing line. most of your tail looks salvageable. with the missing section of your end fins, you'll likely never swim the same. but once the wound is given a chance to properly heal, he thinks you could definitely be able to leave the cove.

your arms have scales, your wrists and waist are adorned with pearls and shells tied to form makeshift jewelry. around your neck, you're wearing a familiar, rusted silver pendant.

aki reaches towards you, gazing at you gently. your eyes narrowing, he notices when you flinch, and he stops, but you don't move. instead, you allow him to reach close enough to carefully grasp the pendant around your neck.

his thumb runs over the engraved surface. he knew what he saw glinting around your neck wasn't just his imagination. "my locket. you found it."

you eye him silently, for a moment. then, you push away from his chest. you sit up, curling your tail around yourself. aki props up along with you, and you begin to reach back, searching for the clasp on the necklace. you sign one-handed, by pointing to your forehead, then to him. for you. you hold out the necklace, aki's palm outstretched to take it.

for you. his heart skips a few beats at that, somehow.

although, first, you're carefully prying the locket open. you place it into his palm, facing him. your fingertip points to the small picture on the inside. a black and white photo, torn and faded, of a young smiling boy with short, black hair.

you point towards aki next, brows raised. you?

"oh, no," aki shakes his head. he closes the locket, and he puts the necklace into his back pocket.

brother, he signs with both hands. he takes a steady, shuddering breath. then, he glances away for a second. his next sign is done much slower. almost as if every word is formed in earnest. thank you.

you hesitate. a part of you wants to tell him you're welcome, another part of you is set on just staring at his pretty face until he notices. in the end, as aki's dumb, soft smile makes your heart race faster, your lips are left to purse into a pout.

you, you're pointing. foolish, you gesture hastily, almost angrily, with your thumb and your pinkie finger. your temple is knotted, droplets of water shimmer over your skin. then, you sign something he doesn't recognize. some form of movement that certainly carries a hint of disdain, pointing to him first, before two of your fingers press to your palm.

you demonstrate the sign again when he has no response, no reaction besides a small smirk — moving faster, hastier this time. he only shrugs. you breathe a frustrated exhale, and decide to spell the word instead. recalling what you've read from dropped books and drifting bottles, you picture the letters, and you let your hand carefully sign each one.

h- u- m- a- n.

aki shakes his head. he points to himself, he signs instead: a- k- i.

aki. you've never heard such a thing before. his name, perhaps? in that case, you don't think you'll be able to forget it.

"my name is aki," he murmurs. the breeze from the sea rustles his dark hair. it brushes over your cool skin, and you blame your resounding shiver on that, instead of his voice. finally, he points to you, this time. "and you?"

#was not expecting to write about him all day but... here we are #aki possesses me too easily #he'd be so handsome as a sailor... his hair up and perhaps with slightly tanned skin.... GAH!!#content that caters to myself. I love you #aki <3

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