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unsdggoal4qualityeducation · 1 year ago

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MANIPULATORS and THEIR STRATEGIES

Have you ever felt like someone was too good to be true? That their words seemed perfectly tailored to win you over, making you feel like you are on top of the world? Beware, as you might be dealing with manipulators. In a world where trust is a precious commodity, it’s crucial to recognize when someone is genuinely sincere. But (sadly) detecting when someone uses manipulative tactics to gain the upper hand is also essential.

This article digs into the intricate web woven by manipulators, helping you identify these tactics. Understanding their strategies allows you to protect yourself and maintain healthy relationships.

The Five Most Common Causes of Someone Becoming Manipulative

Recognizing the root causes behind manipulative behaviors is the first step in understanding and combating them.

1. Manipulators Are Insecure

Many manipulators have deep-seated insecurity. These feelings often stem from personal experiences, perhaps childhood or past relationships. They might have felt powerless or undervalued. To compensate, manipulators might develop tactics to control situations or people, ensuring they never feel vulnerable again.

A study from the National Institutes of Health suggests that individuals with high levels of insecurity may resort to manipulative behaviours as a coping mechanism.

2. Manipulators Desire Power

Power can be intoxicating. Some individuals have an innate desire to dominate and control situations or people. Having someone under their influence gives these manipulators a sense of accomplishment and superiority.

They thrive when in control, even if it means bending the truth or manipulating emotions.

3. Manipulators Have Past Trauma

Traumatic events can leave lasting scars. For some, these scars manifest as manipulative behaviours. Past experiences, especially those that made someone feel helpless or taken advantage of, can lead them to use manipulation as a defence mechanism. They feel they can prevent future traumas or regain control over their lives by manipulating others.

4. Manipulators Lack Empathy

Empathy is the ability for one to understand and share the feelings of another. Manipulators often have a diminished capacity for empathy. Without this emotional connection, it becomes easier for them to use and exploit others for their gain.

An NIH article explains how personality disorders, such as psychopathy, feature a lack of empathy as a defining trait. As a result, this disorder (and several others!) can lead to manipulative behaviours.

Manipulators Grew Up in a Manipulative Environment. Our environment shapes us. Growing up in an environment where manipulation is the norm—whether in a family setting, among friends, or in a broader community—can condition someone to use similar tactics.

5. They might have learnt from manipulative family members.

Thus, they adopt these behaviours as the standard way to interact and achieve their goals.

▪️Ten Things Manipulators Say to Gain Your Trust

As you read about what manipulators say to gain your trust, remember these causes. It will provide a deeper insight into the psyche of manipulators and equip you with the knowledge to navigate their tactics effectively.

1. “I’ve never told anyone this before…”

Manipulators often use this phrase to create a false sense of intimacy. Sharing a ‘secret’ with you makes you feel special and unique as if you’re the only one they trust. This tactic can make you feel closer to them, making it easier for them to influence your decisions and actions.

Example: A coworker leans in and whispers, “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I think the boss might be retiring soon.”

2. “You’re the only one who understands me.”

This phrase intentionally makes you feel unique and valued. Because they suggest you’re the only one who truly gets them, a manipulative person can make you feel responsible for them. This phrase can lead to you going out of your way to help or support them, even at your own expense.

Example: After a long day, a friend sighs and says, “You’re the only one who understands me. Everyone else just judges.”

3. “I hate drama.”

Ironically, those who claim to hate drama are often the ones causing it. By saying this, manipulative folks deflect attention from their dramatic tendencies. It’s a way of making you believe they are straightforward and genuine, even when their actions suggest otherwise.

Example: At a gathering, someone rolls their eyes and comments, “I hate drama,” even though they were the ones who started the latest rumour.

4. “I would never lie to you.”

This phrase is an attempt to establish trust without genuinely earning it. In fact, it’s a giant red flag. Honest individuals rarely feel the need to assert their honesty constantly. On the other hand, manipulators use this phrase to plant a seed of trust. That’s because they hope you’ll overlook any inconsistencies in their stories.

Example: During a discussion about a controversial topic, an acquaintance assures you, “I would never lie to you. I’ve seen this firsthand.”

5. “People always betray me.”

Playing the victim is a classic manipulative tactic. A manipulator hopes to gain your sympathy and support by making you feel sorry for them. This phrase also serves as a warning. If you go against them, you’ll be like all the others who ‘betrayed’ them.

Example: A manipulative new partner looks at you sadly and murmurs, “People always betray me. I hope you are different.”

6. “I did this all for you.”

Manipulators use this phrase to make you feel indebted to them. They create a sense of obligation. In fact, they suggest that their actions, especially unsolicited ones, had your best interests at heart. This phrasing can make it difficult to refuse their requests or set boundaries. That’s because you feel guilty for not reciprocating their “kindness.”

Example: After surprising you with an extravagant gift, a friend remarks, “I did this all for you. I knew how much you wanted it.”

7. “You’re too sensitive.”

This language is a form of gaslighting. In reality, the manipulator makes you doubt your feelings and perceptions. By dismissing your emotions or reactions as an overreaction, they deflect responsibility for their actions. Over time, this can erode your self-confidence. It can also make you more reliant on the manipulator’s version of events.

Example: During an argument, when you express hurt over a comment, the response is, “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”

8. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

This sentence is a classic non-apology. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions or words, the person blames you. Moreover, they focus on your reaction rather than what they did. It’s a subtle way of invalidating your feelings while appearing apologetic.

Example: After a heated disagreement, instead of addressing the issue, they say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I didn’t mean it like that.”

9. “It’s just a joke.”

Manipulators often hide behind humour to make hurtful comments or jabs. By dismissing their words as just a joke, they attempt to make you feel like you’re overreacting or lacking a sense of humour. It’s a tactic to belittle you while avoiding accountability.

Example: After making a snide remark about your appearance, they laugh it off with, “It’s just a joke. Can’t you take a little teasing?”

10. “You’re overthinking it.”

This accusation is another form of gaslighting. A gaslighter can make you doubt your intuition or concerns. Manipulative people want you to second-guess yourself. That’s because it makes it easier for them to control the narrative. So, by suggesting you’re reading too much into things, they can continue their behaviour without being challenged.

Example: When you express concern about their recent distant behaviour, they brush it off, saying, “You’re overthinking it. Everything is fine.”

▪️Five Ways to Cope With Manipulators

Manipulative individuals exist in various facets of our lives, from workplaces to social circles. While entirely avoiding them might not always be feasible, you should disarm their tactics. As a result, you protect your well-being.

Try these techniques:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and communicate your limits. Let the manipulator know what behaviour is unacceptable. Then, be consistent in enforcing these boundaries.

2. Trust Your Instincts: If something feels a little bit off, trust your gut. Your intuition is a powerful tool in recognizing and responding to manipulative tactics.

3. Avoid Being Isolated: Manipulative people often try to isolate their targets from support systems. Maintain close ties with friends, family, or colleagues who can offer perspective and support.

4. Stay Calm and Objective: Respond to manipulative tactics with calm and objectivity. Avoid getting emotionally entangled. If you become combative or irrational, it can give them more leverage.

5. Seek Professional Help: If you live or work closely with a manipulator, you are in quite a tough spot. But consider seeking counselling or therapy. Professionals can offer strategies and insights to thrive despite these challenging relationships.

manipulative

▪️Final Thoughts on Recognizing the Language of Manipulators

The intricate web of manipulative language can be quite a challenge. But with awareness and understanding, you can safeguard your emotional well-being. Recognizing the tactics and phrases manipulators use is the first step in ensuring their influence does not sway you. Remember, genuine relationships come from a space of trust, respect, and mutual understanding.

When you equip yourself with the knowledge of manipulative tactics, you protect yourself. You also foster healthier, more authentic connections with those around you. So stay vigilant – and trust your instincts when dealing with manipulators.

Cosmos Ennu Kwaw

Ghana, West Africa

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my-makeshift-masquerade · 4 years ago

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Dear NTs: We aren’t perfectionists for no reason.

Can I just say something? I hate how society frames autistic people’s perfectionism or fear of failure as either “intrinsically sourced” or “irrational”. It dismisses the clear cause that neurotypicals want to avoid talking about.

For one, naturally fearing failure is literally impossible, because failure is a social construct. When we are born, we have no concept of what failure even is. We are taught what failure is by the people around us. As we grow, we pick up on what others perceive or refer to as “failures”, and that is when we begin to adjust our thinking accordingly. No mind is wired to fear such constructs from the beginning, not even autistic ones. In fact, failure is probably a construct most autistic babies and toddlers learn and internalize super early. We literally go through a process of repeatedly being perceived as “failing” in certain areas as we show undesirable deviations from the norm. We are put in extensive therapies to teach us how to react and do things “correctly” and we are judged or even traumatized if we don’t conform.

Now, let’s s fast forward. An autistic five year old is having a meltdown over losing a game of, let’s say... Chutes and Ladders, for example. They are crying, throwing the board, stepping on the pieces, accusing others of cheating, everything. Why might they be doing this? Most neurotypicals will assume that autistic people are upset for the same reasons they would be: they must’ve wanted to win to feel socially superior to their peers. That results in many NTs trying to let autistic people win at everything, but while giving any kid a prize will bring temporary pleasure, this is not the core of the problem. We can see that as other failure related meltdowns happen even when autistic people aren’t directly competing with anyone else. The frustration with our performance can happen in complete isolation from any competition.

Myself in particular, even as an adult, get these meltdowns when I am totally alone, and when nobody can even see what I have supposedly “failed” at. I am often told it must be some sort of a confidence problem inherent to my personality, because nobody is placing such high expectations on me except for me, right? Now that I think about it, I don’t think so. I think this perfectionism all autistic people seem to develop in one way or another isn’t a symptom or internal part of our condition. I think it is a coping mechanism in response to trauma that is being applied in situations where it may not make sense to outside observers. The urge to fit in is built into humans, and some studies show we feel the equivalent of physical pain when experiencing abandonment or social exclusion.

Being unwanted or undesired by peers could lead to all sorts of horrible deadly situations when you actually have to think about it. Early humans could be eaten by predators if they were left alone. Ostracized witches and infidels were tortured or burned at the stake. Even people who look slightly “off” to the majority in modern society could be shot and killed by police despite not committing any crime. NTs don’t have to think about that as early as autistic people do, because autistic babies and toddlers have traditionally been demonized and stigmatized. Even if nobody outwardly says they see autistic people as dangerous, one mention of autism in a school shooter sends everyone into hysterics. In essence, autistic people learn from trauma to subconsciously equate any sort of “failure” to a possible death sentence, even when to NTs that failure seems laughably trivial.

That autistic kid who lost that board game, they are so freaked out because last time they lost a game of catch on the playground, the other kids said they sucked and couldn’t go on that side of the playground anymore. That autistic teen who never does their schoolwork has been repeatedly told they will get nowhere if they keep acting like a “failure”, and have decided that never trying is better than failing even once. That autistic young adult who worries others will one day throw them on the street because only those who work hard enough make it in the “real world” (AKA me)... They aren’t being unrealistic or dramatic. All of these people have realized the reality of how powerful the social majority is in deciding who gets to live and die. They have realized they’re inherently at a disadvantage because they can’t perform as well, and thus hold themselves to high standards to avoid further pain and trauma.

Neurotypical people never have to think about such things from an autistic perspective, and see our perfectionism as irrational and a result of our disorder, rather than what it really is: a result of them as the majority teaching us failure is inherent to our very being, and how that failure could get us killed. We never know what failure of ours could result in further ostracism and rejection, so we overreact to every single perceived failure others have taught us to internalize. Even if NTs say “it’s okay to make mistakes”, it is rarely okay for those like us to make mistakes. We know they only accept certain mistakes, and others are lethal. We aren’t perfectionists for no reason. Stop pretending we are.

#shut up becca #actuallyautistic #venting

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lavenderfawnmind · 5 years ago

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Meet my kins! (+moodboard aesthetics)

Note: All my kins exist solely for coping purposes. Some are new additions to who I am, while some have been around for as long as I can remember. All my kins are feminine in nature, and I always go by she/her or they/them while kinning.

1.) Unnamed

I usually only begin to kin her when I’m getting extremely irritated, angry, experiencing too much annoying stimulation at once (example: hearing someone eating and being unable to focus on anything else), or if a traumatic and unfair either occurs or I’ve been reminded of a previous one. When I’m de-stressing as Unnamed, I unwind by listening to DOOM (2016) OST, or the DOOM: Eternal OST. I’ve never been able to really know her name because I believe this kin is an unhealthy way of venting anger. I would count her as a half-fictionkin since there’s a LOT of overlap with Doomslayer and her; although she is not Doomslayer the character, but a Doomslayer as a concept. She is silent, and a pure characterization of my anger, trauma, and my need to let it out. I do not condone ever venting my anger physically as Unnamed, she is just there when I vent in my extensive daydreaming with music, and is always gone when I’m done daydreaming roughly 1-3 hours later.

2.) lavender

lavender has been around for almost as long as I can remember, though i do have 2 parts to myself that are similar but different enough to give lavender 2 separate paragraphs. I usually slip into being lavender when I’m listening to celtic/fantasy/cottagecore music. I also become lavender when watching cottagecore tiktoks, thrifting videos, room redecoration videos, writing or roleplaying a character who either A. has a child or is pregnant, or is B. a character who is very mature and parental+kind. I also become lavender mostly when thinking about my future, and i associate her very strongly with interior decoration, DIYs, neutral and de-saturated earthy tones paired with gentle colors, blouses, long skirts, white hair, grey eyes, maturity, and home activities such as baking, cooking, cleaning, painting, playing music. I prefer to keep lavender lowercase as it suits me more and feels more genuine to who i am. lavender is one of my most developed kins, and is an OCkin. ive been creating her as a daydream character for a while and she is so personal to me that i realized i kinned her a few months ago.

3.) Philomena

Philomena is the “second half” or “second version” of lavender. She is basically everything lavender is, except for the fact she is much much more mixed with my wiccan/pagan side. I associate Philomena with witchcore, dark cottagecore, vulture culture, dark academia, corvidcore, crystals, plants, trinkets, non-sexual nudity, intersex and trans-inclusive ideas of femininity, storms/lightning/thunder, hot mist/warm rain, bare feet, mud+dirt, voluntary isolation, heights, stone buildings, echoey acoustics, cloaks, dark earthy tones and cool colors, corsets, nighttime, the moon, tarot, intelligence/wittiness/cleverness, strangely colored lipstick, and raw power. Philomena counts both as OCkin and probably counts as magickin/sorcererkin as I oftentimes imagine her with inherent magical (not magickal) sorcerer-like abilities.

4.) [Deadname]/Childhood

This is one of the strangest, saddest, and hardest to describe kin that I have. If anyone has any way to describe or label this kin, please send me a suggestion in my asks. I have only ever switched to [Deadname] in situations of serious trauma caused by my family (witnessing arguments, witnessing destruction of physical objects during moments of anger, moments of extreme guilt, etc.) During or sometimes after those moments, I will become [Deadname]. I will usually change into more childlike clothes like onesies or fluffy pajamas, my brain will shut down and I become unable or unwilling to speak, and I will desperately try to do anything to cope. Things include blowing bubbles, hiding with stuffed animals in my closet, building a blanket/pillow nest on my bed and curling up, drinking juice, cuddling stuffed animals, and sometimes just curling up in my bed and completely shutting down. Most of the time when I become [Deadname], it will be to distract myself from my environment, but sometimes during the aftermath, I will continue to stay as [Deadname] and be in that child-like state. I am no longer myself when I am [Deadname], I feel like I am a physical representation of a silent version of my childhood (hence the other name). I heavily heavily associate this kin with trauma. I usually don’t ever switch back to something else until I have woken up the next day. I am currently unsure if this is a kin, as i do identify not as myself but something else, or if it’s just part of an underlying mental illness. I associate [Deadname] with crying/tears, trauma, childhood, silence, coping mechanisms, shaking, pajamas, juice, my bedroom, curling up, sleeping, and blankets/pillows. Whenever I curl up really tightly and snuggle up in my blankets, especially if I’m about to go to sleep, I feel myself shift slightly into being [Deadname].

So yeah! Those are my kins. If anyone has any questions, suggestions, or corrections, feel free to send them to my asks! Excuse the tag spam as well, just wanna make sure I try and get as many in there as possible because I don’t want anyone to get accidentally triggered by my post.

#ockin #kinning #kins #kin #meet my kin #moodboard #aesthetics #kin moodboard #cw: trauma #trauma #tw: trauma #sorcererkin #fictionkin

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heweightlossjourney · 5 years ago

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Introductions

**PRO ANA, PRO MIA, AND THINSPO ACCOUNTS DO NOT INTERACT**

Hello to anyone reading this. I’m H and I’ve started this sideblog to document my weight loss and keep myself accountable. Let me start with a little backstory:

I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. I’ve never been super active, though I was on a couple sports teams at various points throughout my school life. I always overate as a kid and I still do it now. Eating has been a coping mechanism for me my entire life, and I would say that I am addicted to food.

I have generally been okay being heavy, but bullying is a bitch and I know that other people’s perception of me affected me and made me a nasty bitch in middle school and high school. I wasn’t in a place to understand why I acted out until I was able to distance myself from my long term abusive boyfriend and my dad stopped drinking and got out of his abusive/toxic situation. Now, I understand the effects that the trauma in my life has had on me and I’m calmer and more level-headed, so I am in a good place to start working on my physical health in conjunction with my mental health.

I know that my self-image right now isn’t healthy, and I am aiming to love my body. I am trying hard not to think of the things I might want after this, like skin removal surgery and breast reshaping, but it is hard not to imagine myself with a little sprucing up. While I don’t want to scrutinize over every flaw I have, I think the best way I can motivate myself to keep it up is taking note of my body and how I perceive certain areas, so I will update this with my reflection on how my body looks every so often.

Over the time I have been not working because of COVID-19, I have gained weight, but I have also started keeping up with infamous obese youtubers like Amberlynn Reid and Foodie Beauty, and watching channels like Charlie Gold and Petty Kitten react to them. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t a kick in the ass to not become as big as them, but also a motivator knowing that I will never be like that, I won’t allow myself to be like them, and that I am a better person than they are. I know that thinking like that is mean and cruel, but I am here to lose weight, not monetize my addiction and appeal to feeders while maintaining an attitude of entitlement and oblivion.

While we are at it, let me just name a few of my rock bottom moments:

- my abusive ex boyfriend calling me “Whaley”

- being too heavy to ride horses

- being too big for a ride at the fair and having to get off it in front of a ton of people in public

- my brother swiping the back of m head like a debit machine

- my ability to polish of a lot of food in one go

- my lack of stamina standing, walking, exercising, being on top during sex

- crushing my boyfriend when I lay on him

- being too big to fit into 3x clothing on websites like dollskill that actually sell some interesting clothing for bigger ladies

Without too much more delay, let’s get into the facts:

Age: 18

Height: 5′11

Starting Weight: 333 pounds

Current Weight: 329 pounds

Total Loss: 4 pounds

BMI: 45.9

BMI Goal: 25

Current Goal: 300 pounds by day 30

Day: 4

Health Concerns: Morbid Obesity, PCOS and Insulin Resistance, Lactose Intolerance, Depression, Anxiety, Food Addiction.

Diet Plan: OMAD (one meal a day) and intermittent fasting.

The diet I have chosen to follow, OMAD, is one of many different diets I have tried over the course of my life. I have tried keto, I have tried vegetarianism, I have tried slimfast. The reason I have chosen this particular diet this time is because of the freedom to eat pretty much anything within the hour I set aside for myself to eat each day. It’s hard to fuck yourself up too much in an hour. After having done the diet for a few days, here is what I have noticed about it:

- I get hangry

- I am somewhat nocturnal and often sleep from 6am - 2pm, and it makes it so much easier

- The boost in energy after my feels like I am on top of the world, and the naps while digesting fuckin rock, sleepy is a good feeling when you have time set aside for it

- It is a lot of mental will power to look at my favourite foods and say no

- It is a lot of mental will power not to cram 3 meals into an hour

- It is hard to pick what I want for dinner

- Cravings hit hard

- Black Coffee is nasty

- It is easier not to consume dairy with OMAD, and not have diarrhea everyday is nice.

There are some things I have noted as well, like eating dairy at all is a big mistake. It is unpleasant to only feel full for a short period of time before violently emptying the contents of my digestive tract. The effects of lactose has on my body go so much quicker when it is the only thing I have in my body at the time. Lactaid is very hit and miss for me, and by the way the chewable tablets are actually the devil incarnate and I hate them. I have tasted vanilla in my life and that isn’t it.

I chose this diet because my boyfriend does fasting as his preferred diet method, and while I wish I could fast all day, my job requires me to have energy and I am not a happy hungry lady. I intend to do OMAD long term, but may change it up slightly if I start to struggle when I get back to work.

It should also be noted that I seriously do not recommend this diet to anyone who struggles with disordered eating (me), depression (me), anxiety (me), obesity (me), anyone who has an affliction that would make it safer for them to consume more than one meal a day (me), and people who have medications they need to take with food (me). This diet is not recommended by doctors for long term weight loss, my endocrinologist was frankly a bit shocked when I told her, and it can cause a host of problems included but not limited to:

- triggering of eating disorders

- lack of protein

- excess of carbs

- diarrhea (thanks, really needed more of that)

- nausea

- dizziness

- weakness

- extreme fatigue

So let me go ahead here and describe a little bit about my health issues, namely my PCOS, or polycystic ovarian syndrome. PCOS is a hormonal disorder. It can cause increased levels of androgen in the body, increased hair, insulin resistance, excessive hair growth, male pattern baldness, weight gain, irregular periods, fertility problems, increase risk of developing type 2 diabetes, increase risk of high blood pressure and high cholesterol, acne and oily skin, depression, and sleep apnea, as well as increase the risk for endometrial cancers, and obviously, cause ovarian cysts. This disorder can be passed from mother to daughter, and I got it from my mom. I have been suffering with this for years.

The biggest effects on my body have been my weight, my depression, irregular periods and cysts. I currently have an IUD in place to help with the symptoms, but my periods are not even close to regular and are often brown in colour. Before hormonal birth control, I would have 2-3 periods per year that lasted about a month at a time. These periods were heavy and excruciatingly painful, and the clots I birthed were like jellyfish. I often lost enough blood to become anemic.

It should be noted that my PCOS has caused me to be resistant to insulin, and that can make it hard to lose weight and also cause some brown discolouration on the skin, which I have had on my chest and neck. I remember my mom used to scrub at my neck thinking it was dirty when my neck first started becoming discoloured.

I had my IUD placed in December of 2018, and the follow up ultrasound revealed a cyst on my right ovary that was 21cm x 21cm which required surgery. Due to that, a traumatic situation and my vegetarianism, I lost 30 pounds by March of 2019.

I have also struggled most of my life with depression and anxiety and used food to cope. I am currently on medication for that. I also take Metformin to help with the effects of the PCOS.

Here I will give a short description on the areas of my body that bother me and what I would like to see improve. I will try to be objective about what I don’t like and I will be honest about the reasons I would like to improve. I will say now that many of these reasons are cosmetic and not necessarily health related.

Inner thighs: While my legs are one of my favourite parts of my body and are in general strong and shapely, my inner thighs have a pocket of fat near my pubic mound, and I can see it when I stand up or I can see it in the mirror from behind when I bend over. I am self conscious about this because I don’t like the way it looks/hangs, and it makes it hard to be present and immersed when I am having sex or see myself as attractive if I take a picture for my boyfriend. The goal for this area is to have less hang so I can feel more relaxed during sex and any time I bend over. I also don’t particularly enjoy the thigh holes in my jeans, or that I have trouble with any sort of thigh high sock rolling.

Pubic mound: I’m not even gonna bullshit here: I just want a normal looking vulva. That’s it. I want it to be easier to access my clit, I don’t want such a prominent camel toe when I wear pants, I’d like it to be easier for my boyfriend to go down on me. I have a nice inner vulva and I want the exterior to match. I also find it hard to shave the areas between my mound and my thigh, as holding it open is not easy. That groin area is also prone to skin yeast infections and pimples and blackheads, and while I admit that they are fun to pop, it would be nice if I did not have to deal with it.

My stomach: My stomach hangs. Underneath of it is prone to those same pimples and skin yeast infections (canesten is really helpful for tinea cruris, by the way. Yeast infections are yeast infections.) and while I get some sick pops for r/popping, it isn’t attractive. My stomach is hairy and while that isn’t really totally weight related, it also isn’t cute. My belly button is often very hidden, and it would be nice to get down to a size that I could get it pierced like my mom has. The rolls of my stomach get pimples and the red marks from sitting all day are not cute and can get painful. I have the muffin top when I wear jeans, and while the look of my stomach in jeans is less than sexy, it actually doesn’t bother me all that much.I have trouble keeping up panties that are both too tight or too loose, and tights are always rolling down. If it doesn’t hit just above my waist while still being slightly tight, it isn’t even worth trying to wear at all. All my jeans and leggings are high-waisted, and a lot of them roll when I sit or bend over. As a nanny, that is a really big inconvenience, and I would like to be able to exist for an hour without having to pull up my goddamn pants/leggings/underwear/tights. God forbid I put on a garter belt. Clothes that are flattering are hard for find for obese women. I just want to wear pretty clothes and feel like a person. When I sit with my knees up, my stomach is Very Present, and I can feel it against my thighs and trying to press through the gap in the middle. It would be nice to not feel that way, and I hope that I can achieve a stomach that does not hang.

Rolls under breasts: These are real sons of bitches. Hot, hairy, red, pimply. The heat rash is real. About half to 3/4 the size of my actual breasts. They make finding a comfortable bra difficult, and I would be really happy if they got even half the size they are now.

Breasts: I don’t necessarily have a weight issue with my tibblies, but they are underdeveloped underneath and I don’t really like the shape of them so much. I am on the waiting list to see a plastic surgeon about my options. There are certain things about my chest that I don’t like that are the fault of obesity however, like the dark marks on my chest because of resistance to insulin, but I will get more into that in a bit. I also don’t love boobne, but hey, acne, amirite ladies?

My chin/neck situation: My ‘waddle’, as I so hatefully refer to it, is my least favourite part of my body. This makes me so upset. I think this is the only part of my body that I truly genuinely hate. If I could duct tape it back so I could look normal, I would. I often look at plus size and fat and obese women and think why do they have chins and necks that are ‘normal’ but not me? (spoilers: the answer is morbid obesity.) I would like to be able to wear a choker comfortably and without it being hidden by my neck. It is very hard to pop waddle pimples. I do have the insulin marks on my neck, and a dowager’s hump, which makes me feel weird if I look at it too long. I don’t like when it sticks out of my clothing, and it feels odd to look at it with a necklace on, or a choker or collar or anything like that.

My back rolls: You hate to see it, and it makes finding a bra in my size a pain. It is hard to hide them, and anything that is fitted to the boobs and then flares can exaggerate the look of them. I don’t look at them too often so it doesn’t always bother me, but they can be a pain with certain clothes. It also makes some clothes tight and restricting in a way they normally wouldn’t, like dresses or shirts that zip. Highly unpleasant, and I would like to have smoother back for cosmetic reasons.

The back of my head: I shave the underneath of my head. I’ve had my entire head shaven before, I’ve had just the sides shaven. It would be nice to get to a place where there wasn’t a roll at the back of my head. It would also be nice if my brother hadn’t swiped a card through it, but only one of those things is achievable.

My arms: I have pretty strong arms, my job requires lifting and I’ve never shied away from taking all the groceries in one trip. My arms are large but not huge. I would be happy with a little reduction in the ‘wing’ area and I would like to see my upper arms a little more streamlined when fully extended. I genuinely do have big bones, but it would be nice to be able to wear my bracelets more comfortably.

My hands: For the longest time I have been upset about the idea of ‘fat people hands’. I don’t have huge fingers, but it would be nice to fit rings on a little easier. I have large hands, because I am a tall woman, but not really fat or chubby hands like one might think of when thinking of fat people hands. My knuckles are fairly well defined, though they have dimples when my hands are flat, and have had since I was little. I think they are cute to be honest. I do not have discolouration on my fingers or knuckles.

My face: I don’t have a ton of fat on my cheeks actually. I do have a round face, but I have dimple-like indentations under my cheekbones that clearly define them. It would be nice to be a slightly slimmer face and defined jawline - any attempt at a contour is just awful. I would like to have a less prominent chin and cheeks.

So let’s talk for a bit about long term goals. I am trying to set goals for myself in chunks. I know that aiming to lose 100 pounds the first go around is highly unlikely to get me any sort of success and I know that breaking it up into smaller bits is less overwhelming and more motivating. I am seriously trying to be careful about rewarding myself with any kind of food.

Realistically, I would like to see myself get into the ‘normal’ BMI range by this time next year. I also know that to do that, I would need to lose around 170 pounds. With OMAD, you can expect to lose between half a pound and one pound a day. I do not see myself losing 170 pounds in 170 days. I do not think it is healthy to lose that much in under 6 months, and I don’t think my skin would appreciate it either, nor do I think OMAD is sustainable for that long. The idea is to try and hold out with OMAD for about 3 and a half months, and in that time, with upkeep, exercise and discipline, I could lose around 100 pounds, but I think the responsible thing would be to hope for closer to 75 pounds.

I would like to outline my goals here:

Current Goal: 300 pounds - 33 pounds lost - 41.8 BMI

Second Goal: 270 pounds - 63 pounds lost - 37.7 BMI

Third Goal: 240 - 93 pounds lost - 33.5 BMI

Fourth Goal: 210 - 123 pounds lost - 29.3 BMI

Fifth Goal: 180 - 153 pounds lost - 25.1 BMI

Final Goal: 160 - 173 pounds lost - 22.3 BMI

Knowing how much one can lose in x amount of time with OMAD, and assuming I kept with it for a year, it could take anywhere from 173 days to 346 days to reach my final goal. I know that I won’t lose the same amount every day, and I know that it will be hard to keep it off once I reach my goal.

I also know that I will need to take vitamins and supplements to make sure I don’t lose anything during this time.

I am trying not to set deadlines for when I would like to reach my goals, though ideally I would be losing about 20 pounds a month. There are some important dates that I am hoping to have lost a certain amount for, however, and based on how much I might expect to lose and some basic math, I have deemed it pretty feasible to do.

I return to work around July 6th. It is currently May 30th. In 37 days I am hoping to have reached my first goal of 33 pounds lost. I lost 4 pounds in 3 days, and I hope to keep up that pace.

The other date that I am hoping to have lost weight for is my birthday, which is August 31st. In 93 days I am hoping to have met my second goal of 63 pounds lost. I am turning 19 and very excited to celebrate.

For a little in-depth at what I am doing as far as my meal, I am eating a normal supper for me, a snack and a dessert. I am not counting calories. I’ll give some examples of what I have eaten at this time.

Day 1: Gnocchi bake with chicken, gummies, a chocolate bar, a little bit of bread and an iced tea. I made the bake with a package of sundried tomato gnocchi, one chicken breast, an olivieri package of rose sauce, like 2-3 tablespoons of herb and garlic cream cheese and onion. It was so good.

Day 2: I had the 4 bites of leftovers and some cheese bread, an iced tea, chicken strips, fries, a bite of fish, and some coleslaw. This day I felt sort of weak in the evening and so I had a fried egg sandwich with a cheese slice, mustard and mayo.

Day 3: I GUZZLED water all day long, like 4-5 bottles of water. I had crackers, the middle of a cinnamon bun, chicken strips and fries again, coleslaw and then some cake (I was celebrating a family birthday). My pee has never been so clear, let me just tell you.

One of the good things about this diet is being able to have whatever I would like as my meal for the day. I am an excellent cook (friend, family, teacher, boyfriend’s family and boyfriend approved, being fat has helped me master the kitchen) and I love doing it, so I can really get creative with my meal.

I come from a diet family, and so I am definitely supported on this diet, and my boyfriend is doing it with me, because misery loves company. Overall, I do feel hungry, but I feel satisfied with what I am doing and I have a lot more will power than I thought I did before, so I am proud of myself in that regard.

During my fasts, I try to only consume water and black coffee, which I take iced so it doesn’t nerf me with the flavour. Chewing gum is also quite helpful. My eating period is between 7p-8p, or 7p-8:30p, but that may change overtime as my sleep and activity schedule changes in the coming months.

I do not make promises on diets as a rule, but because of the nature of this diet I have made myself a promise that I will listen to my body. If I need a meal, I will eat one. If what is best for me is splitting my eating hour into two 30 minute eating periods a day for energy, especially while I work, then that is what I will do.

Like I said, the goal is to check in every day with what I ate, my general feelings and if I am changing anything, and then I will try to do a weigh in weekly, and every couple of weeks update any changes I notice in the areas I mentioned earlier that bother me as a fat person.

‘Til next time,

#weight loss #heweightlossjourney #diet #one meal a day #morbid obesity #may 30th 2020

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send-doods · 6 years ago

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Sekiro Character Analysis

Character: Doujun/Dousaku

Game: Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice

Company: FromSoftware

Timeline/Outline

Disclaimer: The timeline created below is a matter of combining both videogame lore and historical facts in relation to the Sengoku era; as well as facts in relation to the possible mental conditions. This is only a character theory timeline and is not meant to impede or force any opinions. The purpose is to help fellow writers and artists.

Doujun/Dousaku belong to Fromsoftware.

Timeline coverage: Due to the games manner of concealing time, dates, and ages— this frame will go by Comic/Manga & Game. This covers roughly a 15-20 year timeframe based on the comics description.

Name(s): Doujun (道順)

Meaning: Path, teachings(Buddhism) - obedient; docile; submissive

Dousaku ( 道咲 )

Meaning: Path, teachings(Buddhism) - to bloom; to come out

Age: Unknown however based on events through the game and character’s within, a reasonable estimate is between 29-35 in game.

Occupation: Former Seeker Bomb Monk(sect of the warrior monks), Ex-disciple of Master Dogen, Presently hired healer/experimentalist in the Ashina dungeons.

Quest: Located in the Ashina Dungeon Entrance.

Pre-Comic/Isshin wins the war and is Lord of Ashina

Origin- Unknown, however, based on historical facts in relation to Japanese Buddhism (specifically the Zen and Hossō Sects due to Senpou’s design inspiration). Monasteries have their own rules including how they run and ages within ranks (similar to samurai and foot soldiers). Based on average monkhood ordination, Doujun would have entered the monastery around 10 years old and would become a novice monk. He would have also partook in nanshoku with a nenja(elder monk) to learn religious teachings as well as the rank or specialty that was expected.

Theory: One can Assume Doujun’s mentor’s name was Saku. Otherwise this mentor has been remained nameless.

Based on attire, Doujun was taught and trained to be a warrior monk as the art of a Seeker/Bombthrower.

Study: Buddist Monasteries, despite religious discrepancies would have a small group of monks who practiced in “Buddhist Healing” with Kampo influences. Not only did they heal fellow monks, but were also hired by courts and locals to heal and perform medicinal research.

Assumption: Based on Doujun’s Kimono colouring, he was one of the few in that group.

During the Comic:

Important Lore Note for this section: Appearance note outside of what the timeline goes over: Unlike the other monks at Senpou Temple, Doujun’s pupils are still apparent with a steel silver hue and not “glassed over” or has a “Clouded Silver appearance.” Meaning he did not become host to the larvae despite the monks forced consumption of them(unknown if it was physically eaten, injected ect ect)

Reasoning: Due to the Monks consumption of centipede larvae.

Based on:

* In the infested text, it's clear that having "worms" is a blessing to the monks and being "chosen by the worms" (which can be assumed is a larvae being able to parasite the host and grow). The parasitic insects attack/feed off properties that make up melanin(organism pigmentation) causing the loss of eye/skin pigmentation ....Then when they are "blessed" as the Centipede grows it obviously will need other nutrients and take advantage of the host completely.

Regarding Ape and Hainbei: Matured centipedes can skip the development stages of the Larvae like the Guardian ape, therefore feeding into the host itself.

* Not only are the monks glassy eyed but so is the Great Carp. If you visit the great carp corpse when you kill it, the larvae resides where its stomach was. Either the Carp had been fed the insects or the were in Fountainhead from the start.

Baby centipedes are described as being worm-like.

Due to the comic status is ongoing (7/15/2019) not much can be written regarding this section except Doujun’s trauma and eventual mental split.

Lore: The Senpou monks had been stealing away children for decades to use in the trials of recreating the Dragon’s heritage and in turn making a Divine Child of Rejuvenation for immortality purposes.

Theory/Thought: Doujun, trained as a seeker would be more or less out in the field “spiriting away children” being oblivious to what was going on in experimental sanctums as well as main hall. Based on his innocence later on upon Dousaku deceiving him, it can be believed that the children really were being taken to the temple grounds to perform "virtuous deeds."

Isshin’s Discovery: Upon the lords discovery of the monks encouragement in the teachings of immortality— corrupting the Buddhist beliefs to worshiping the centipedes, Isshin barricaded and refused the monastery, referring to them as degenerates.

At this point the secrets have spilled and to Doujun’s horror not only discovers the truth in regard to the children but also discovers the Temple has turned their backs on Buddha in their search for immortality and use of the Rejuvenating Waters— specifically witnessing the corruption of the centipede.

Doujun & Dousaku

Fact: In order to fully understand the trauma the character went through, you need to step into what we know. This character has a severe case of Dissociative identity disorder.

Definition: Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a diagnosis characterized by having two or more distinct people, each with his or her own identity and personality, that alternately take control over a person. This disorder may be caused by intense trauma, such as ongoing physical abuse, sexual assault, and/or emotional/psychological abuse/event that occurred at a younger age. It’s believed to be the brains coping mechanism for the victim to escape of leave the traumatic memory/situation.

Note: The development of the personality does not happen immediately at the time of the event but can occur some time afterwards depending on the victim.

It is clear Dousaku becomes the personality that takes on the role of Doujun’s former life with the Senpou monks beliefs and as they slowly warped it into an obsession for immortality. His strategies and teachings align with the corrupted beliefs of the monks.

Doujun’s self is left as a naive but clever personality, doing whatever he can as a student to eagerly please his masters. to become an enlightened disciple of medicine.

It can be determined Dousaku left the Temple in fear of what the temple had become.

Mentions in-game that can be assumed to be prior to the game's timeframe

Lore: Doujun was a Disciple along with Emma to the great Master Dogen. Dogen’s teachings are speculated to be leaning more towards scientific healing and discovery.

During the time in which Doujun was under Master Dogen’s studies is when Dousaku’s personality fully developed and “emerged” and convinced Doujun that the other physician was mad and expressed extreme jealousy against Dogen. (this can be a reference to how medieval Physicians and Buddhist heals often would rival one another)

Since Dousaku has claimed himself as the superior personality, it can be assumed he was the one to be hired or set to task by Ashina nobles to work within the dungeon, experimenting on creatures in the hopes of discovering ways to better assist Ashina in winning the war over her lands.

Based on the reaction of betrayal Doujun expresses to Dousaku during their quest, it can be conceived that he was easily manipulated into thinking he was searching for a “treatment” with the rejuvenating waters sediments.

In-Game

This is a part in which I do not feel needs to be heavily touched on but will make small mentions.

It is made evident by the time Okami reaches Doujun, he is beyond helpless, fully consumed into Dousaku’s manipulations. Over the time of the quest it can be seen Doujun starts to come to a realization that he has not only been fooled, but is in a position in which he can not escape.

Reasoning: The consistent need to confide to Okami over his doubts & lack of enthusiasm towards Dousaku and upsetting disbelief to the first experiment he performed in the questline.

The consumption/Injection of Red Carp eyes and the effects:

Reasoning: The descriptions of the Red lump, Red-eyed Carp, Doujun's conversations of his experiments and questline as well as the description of creature/individuals who have red eyes. Also the fact the Demon of Hatred ends up with red eyes and Isshin’s explanation of Shura.

"Those with Red Eyes are dangerous and filled with rage that is difficult to control through the power of man alone. They do, however, fear the flame above all else."'

"Red Eyed Carp are considered incomplete creatures, Carp with only eyes that are red cannot become “masters”."

Theory: Red eyes are not only an after effect of those whom have consumed some form of stagnated rejuvenating water but ALSO who are consumed by a sense of failure/incompletion/defeat that turns into an endless rage causing their eyes to glow. Thanks to The experimentations of Doujun/Dousaku it's noticed that despite being experimented on, the person you send to him will not have red eyes until after you receive the bloodstained letter.

Note: Based on how much of a victims madness of their misfit circumstances has consumed them will determine the glow intensity until they are too far gone to come back from madness.

This concludes that in the despite Doujun’s fears, he felt that he not only failed himself but his master as well. This is why in the end he desperately in a frenzy attacks you, for the sake of failing his master.

Feel free to DM me if you are interested in the sources I used, any questions or feedback :)

#sekiro #sekiroshadowsdietwice #fromsoftware #video game #character analysis #character study #Doujun #Dousaku #sengoku period #ao3

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nova-starcutter · 6 years ago

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'Hello I am still alive' headcanon dump

-Galaxia is kinda like a cursed sword, but not necessarily a malevolent one. Those who aren't powerful enough to wield them either die trying or receive severe injuries. Those who can are basically required to because of the connection Galaxia forces on them almost instantly after they're proven worthy; it's not a soul bond but something very similar. Oftentimes the connection takes the form of a voice or voices in one's head, dreams, thoughts, or visions/hallucinations.

Galaxia themself is influenced by the one wielding them, which in turn influences the wielder. One who seeks power or battle may find themselves feeling somewhat more violent or ruthless, while someone with a strong will may be much more determined in battle situations.

As time has passed, Galaxia has begun to build up such traits, leading to them being somewhat conflicted sometimes; one side may want to spill blood, while another would rather play a defensive role, while another may want to avoid direct conflict if it isn't necessary. Some of those troubles may appear in their wielder.

-Sometimes aether magic makes a quiet humming sound when left undisturbed, so one of Magolor's first experiences with Lor was hearing that and it was unsettling for him.

-Spending time in Another Dimension often causes auditory hallucinations, like hearing faint music or voices– especially in places where dimensional borders are weak, or around portals

-On the subject of Halcandra, it is very different it is now than it used to be... Ask Nova what it was like and he'd tell you about the forests, deserts, lakes, mountains and plains, the hillside his creators often met on when visiting him. He'd mention the infrequent rainfall keeping things from being too lush but still being enough to support life there.

Ask Lor she'll describe the massive cities built around volcanoes, the lack of plant life, how you were either surrounded by rock, steel, or lava. When water came from the sky it was a miracle and a disaster; there was no rain, the infrequent times water came down was always in the form of microbursts that could possibly kill anyone unlucky enough to be caught in one.

-The majority of clockwork stars ended up developing some level of depression as they got older. Since they're basically still people(having a soul that belonged to someone else and all) but with social deprivation, it would make sense that many would be unhappy, lonely, & in some cases develop things like PTSD when seeing traumatic things. Nova, for example; having seen the most out of any clockwork star, including violent wars and people dying right in front of him, is an emotional wreck, because he doesn't have access to help or good coping mechanisms.

This is especially true for wish granters, as they're most often only treated with the utmost level of respect, without room for anything casual or emotional. It's probably emotionally exhausting for them, and any other clockwork star in the same situation of not getting much social contact.

#headcanon #kirby headcanon #halcandra #lor starcutter #magolor #galactic nova #another dimension #clockwork stars #meta knight #galaxia

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unsdggoal4qualityeducation · 1 year ago

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MANIPULATORS and THEIR STRATEGIES

This article digs into the intricate web woven by manipulators, helping you identify these tactics. Understanding their strategies allows you to protect yourself and maintain healthy relationships.

The Five Most Common Causes of Someone Becoming Manipulative

Recognizing the root causes behind manipulative behaviors is the first step in understanding and combating them.

1. Manipulators Are Insecure

A study from the National Institutes of Health suggests that individuals with high levels of insecurity may resort to manipulative behaviours as a coping mechanism.

2. Manipulators Desire Power

They thrive when in control, even if it means bending the truth or manipulating emotions.

3. Manipulators Have Past Trauma

4. Manipulators Lack Empathy

5. They might have learnt from manipulative family members.

Thus, they adopt these behaviours as the standard way to interact and achieve their goals.

▪️Ten Things Manipulators Say to Gain Your Trust

1. “I’ve never told anyone this before…”

Example: A coworker leans in and whispers, “I’ve never told anyone this before, but I think the boss might be retiring soon.”

2. “You’re the only one who understands me.”

Example: After a long day, a friend sighs and says, “You’re the only one who understands me. Everyone else just judges.”

3. “I hate drama.”

Example: At a gathering, someone rolls their eyes and comments, “I hate drama,” even though they were the ones who started the latest rumour.

4. “I would never lie to you.”

Example: During a discussion about a controversial topic, an acquaintance assures you, “I would never lie to you. I’ve seen this firsthand.”

5. “People always betray me.”

Example: A manipulative new partner looks at you sadly and murmurs, “People always betray me. I hope you are different.”

6. “I did this all for you.”

Example: After surprising you with an extravagant gift, a friend remarks, “I did this all for you. I knew how much you wanted it.”

7. “You’re too sensitive.”

Example: During an argument, when you express hurt over a comment, the response is, “You’re too sensitive. I was just joking.”

8. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Example: After a heated disagreement, instead of addressing the issue, they say, “I’m sorry you feel that way. I didn’t mean it like that.”

9. “It’s just a joke.”

Example: After making a snide remark about your appearance, they laugh it off with, “It’s just a joke. Can’t you take a little teasing?”

10. “You’re overthinking it.”

Example: When you express concern about their recent distant behaviour, they brush it off, saying, “You’re overthinking it. Everything is fine.”

▪️Five Ways to Cope With Manipulators

Try these techniques:

1. Set Clear Boundaries: Establish and communicate your limits. Let the manipulator know what behaviour is unacceptable. Then, be consistent in enforcing these boundaries.

2. Trust Your Instincts: If something feels a little bit off, trust your gut. Your intuition is a powerful tool in recognizing and responding to manipulative tactics.

3. Avoid Being Isolated: Manipulative people often try to isolate their targets from support systems. Maintain close ties with friends, family, or colleagues who can offer perspective and support.

4. Stay Calm and Objective: Respond to manipulative tactics with calm and objectivity. Avoid getting emotionally entangled. If you become combative or irrational, it can give them more leverage.

manipulative

▪️Final Thoughts on Recognizing the Language of Manipulators

Cosmos Ennu Kwaw

Ghana, West Africa

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imaradiocure · 2 years ago

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Why "Everything happens for a reason" is toxic positivity

As someone who has been through some really tough things in life and as someone who truly used to ✨️believe✨️ in the "everything happens for a reason" mentality as a young woman who had been through trauma, I think it's time to talk about the damage this phrase can cause.

First, let's talk about it as a mindset. If this mindset gets you through your shit, that's awesome. I am genuinely happy it helps you and I'm not trying to take that away from you in any way. We all get through life in the best way that we can. I also understand that sometimes when we are healing, retroactively applying this phrase to a shitty situation helps us to tie up our own loose ends. If THAT wouldn't have happened, I wouldn't have THIS now. While it's true that all of our past experiences make up who we are today, not all of our past experiences propelled us to where we are. Some of our past experiences took us down some fucked up detours, maybe those detours lasted years and caused great chaos and pain. Not everyone makes their way back to the main road after the detour and sometimes the detour comes to a dead end. We may have learned the same lessons through more effective, less traumatic means. Even if it's true that we only have the good things today because of the bad things of the past, it's still okay to say "I deserved better". We don't have to always have this upbeat and positive outlook. When we use this sort of coping mechanism we deny ourselves the chance to show compassion toward ourselves and in turn it stunts our ability to empathize with others.

We can have gratitude for the good things we have while still acknowledging we didn't deserve the bad things that happened to us. We don't have the good shit BECAUSE of the bad shit - we have the good IN SPITE of the bad. That's far more powerful than some equation of fate.

There are things that happen where there is no reason. You can choose to make reason out of it if you want to. You can choose to see positives in the negatives. It just doesn't sit right with me to say THAT happened so THIS could happen. No... no, you see that horrible thing that happened sucked and it was hard and maybe you barely made it through, maybe you're still not through, maybe you'll never be all the way through it. If something neutral or positive happens in tandem, later on, or however life ends up unfolding it doesn't mean the positive needs to be attributed to the negative. They can be independent and unrelated. Duality exists.

As I said earlier, I had this mindset for most of my life. I really believed it. I believed it even though I had recurring se×ual assault when I was 15. I believed it even though I had been rapəd at 19 or 20 years old at a party in a room full of people. I believed it until I was 24 and my entire life as I knew it changed forever.

My fiance died. I found his body. This shattered me. It is traumatizing. Everything I thought I knew and everything I thought I believed in suddenly disappeared. I had no faith. I had nowhere to turn. Nothing made sense. There was no reason, no logic, no sense to be made of it. I'm 30 now and there is still no reason good enough to make what happened okay or acceptable. There will never be a reason good enough to exchange for his life or the trauma his death left behind.

My sense of self shattered into pieces and it took a long time to gather the those pieces up and try to put them back together. As you can imagine, just like an intricate piece of glass being shattered, some of those pieces are gone forever. You can't put the pieces back they way they were before. You are forever changed. Some of those changes could be dropped into a simple box like a "good quality" but not all of those changes have been good. Any positive changes to my character could be achieved through other means. Character development is not an equal exchange for his life nor is it a good enough reason for the pain. The detours I had to take in the years since were long and dark. Some of those detours were dangerous. Sometimes I was closer to joining him in death than I was to living life. Me being here today to say any of this can truly be attributed to a roll of the dice. There were long periods of time where the only way I felt anything but devastating loss was walking the line between life and death.

I remember so clearly the contempt I felt for my family and friends. I'm supposed to live to spare them the very pain I must bare. I thought this so selfish. I'm expected to push forward in agony, insufferable pain because taking my own life would cause them this same grief I'm saddled with. How is that fair? I felt so strongly about this I would say it to my therapist. Honestly, I don't feel differently about it than I did then. I don't have an answer for it. It's not fair for them to ask and it's also not fair of me to leave. The duality. The dichotomy. Both are true.

I think that's the biggest piece of truth that "Everything happens for a reason" lacks. It misses the fact that the shit is still shit whether or not you get some gold out of it. You don't have to write off your darkest days to have gratitude for the good days. They both exist. They are both true. They do not cancel eachother out. They don't make eachother less or more. They just are. Shit is still shit. Gold is still gold. If you have both, then you have both. It's okay to say the shit still stinks even when the gold glitters because it's true and I will say that again...

The shit doesn't stop stinking just because the gold glitters, and you can still marvel at the glittering gold in spite of the smell of shit.

Some days you'll smell the shit and won't see any gold. Some days the gold will glitter so intensely that you'll forget about the shit for a little while.

Things don't happen for a reason. Things happen. You can turn what happened into a reason if it helps you. It doesn't help me. It happened. There's no reason. The tragedy forced me to find reasons to continue to live. The tragedy is not the reason I continued to live, I lived IN SPITE of the tragedy.

#grief #loss #trauma #text #personal #thoughts

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whitestonetherapy · 7 years ago

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Window of tolerance...

A client of mine experienced a very traumatic incident a few years ago and still deals with the effects of it today. She has difficulty in reconciling this event with her life both before and after the trauma. It just doesn’t fit. The memory of the incident is not like other memories at all. Instead of a regular memory her recollections are fragmented, they feel like they belong to someone else, and are combined with deeply uncomfortable feelings involving flashbacks. The question of why it is she feels this way has come up and I wanted to write something about it here.

Biology, the mechanics of the brain, and the quality of our relationships all have a lot to do with this. Start by thinking of life as an uninterrupted sequence of experiences – from the moment you are born to the moment you die. From your first breath onward your brain starts the process of ‘communicating’ with the adult that holds you. You can’t talk, and wouldn’t understand words even if you could, so this starts with your brain communicating your immediate needs (the right-hemisphere takes the lead at this early stage). You’ll probably cry loudly at this point. Hopefully someone will hold you close and make some noises that are intended to be soothing and loving. You have just begun the lifelong process of communicating your needs, feelings and desires to those around you.

What happens in response to your crying matters a lot. By responding to your cries with soothing noises and tender touches your parent has engaged their own brain (again, their right-hemisphere) and begun a long process that will literally shape your brain, helping it to develop and learn to cope with all sorts of situations. You begin to learn how to manage how you feel and, eventually, safely experience the full spectrum of emotional experience.

This early example of mutual regulation between adult and child, where your needs are communicated, understood and then met by an adult, will play a small part in widening your ability to deal with physiological and emotional stress. Neurons fire and proteins are coded, and your brain develops. Even as a baby you’ll come to understand quickly that certain things you do are likely to elicit certain responses. That certain emotions you have can be shared, and that certain things are likely to happen around you if you share them. You’ll learn this from crying at first, and then through playfulness and experimenting. What parent isn’t familiar with the great repetitious game ‘I’ll-take-off-my-sock-and-throw-it-on-the-floor-for-you-to-pick-up’? You’ll hopefully learn that parents can be relied upon. As an infant your brain will start to categorise responses from other humans into a general set of rules (schemas) - these rules will be based on the consistent responses from the people around you, depending on what you do/ what you communicate. This is the start of the complex scaffolding that’ll allow you to start to make automatic predictions about other people and the world. You start to predict the future and generalise - but, also, very importantly, you start to see the world through the lens of your predictions (very important if early care is not adequate and your predictions are thus negatively skewed - a blog for another time). This mental scaffolding gets more complex as you grow, and it will depend in large part on how you are treated, at least at first, by your family (badly, or well). That’s for the future though, because at first babies are just concerned with the person holding them.

With consistent sensitive care over time, the autonomic nervous system of the child develops. This is the facility that controls the level of physiological arousal the child has when he experiences new situations and is closely linked with emotional states. Daniel Siegel (The Developing Mind; 1999) describes a “window of tolerance”, a kind of goldilocks-zone in which there can be arousal of the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system but without severe emotional stress. The sympathetic nervous system manages bodily functions (heart rate, respiration, perspiration etc) and the parasympathetic system is responsible for calming you down – for de-arousal. The two systems usually work well together, and we give them a good road test every time there is, say, an England penalty shootout, or jump-scares when watching a film at the Cinema, or when something more seriously shocking and frightening happens.

Parents play a vital role in helping children expand their window of tolerance. By introducing a child to new experiences that are towards the edge of this window of tolerance, and by making sure they are socialised properly, children will gradually expand the capacity of their nervous system to handle arousal. This helps them become resilient - they become strong even if they are not entirely safe. Good news for parents who are very concerned about keeping their children safe at all times - by letting children take some risks we help them to cope much better with handling strong emotions throughout their lives. Children will do this all by themselves anyway with games that seem reckless to an adult eye. Last week I watched an Instagram video of my 10-year-old nephew in a New York park, clambering in ‘monkey bar’ style about 15 feet up from the ground. He was using a section of a climbing frame that was obviously not designed for the purpose at all. It was impressive, but I would probably have yelled at him to stop if I’d been there. My brother is made of sterner stuff, being well used to his son taking risks, and he didn’t bat an eyelid. The designer of the climbing frame just hadn’t factored in either my nephews excellent ninja skills, or the reality that children will always look at what equipment is available then immediately start to work out how to take further risks. In fact, the maximum risk possible thank you very much! If you walk by any park you can always find children doing something dangerous while a parent hollers at them to stop. It’s not easy being responsible for kids behaving like that. I remember looking after big groups at my sons birthday parties and there would always be one or two who would not stop, whatever the game, until they were pushing the limits of dangerous behaviour. If someone climbed 10ft up a tree, these kids would climb 20ft and hang onto a branch by a finger. It’s part of how children grow and begin to individuate, developing a richer experience of themselves and the world, but it’s not easy being in charge of a pack. So expanding the window of tolerance is a good thing, and in childhood we seem to be biologically compelled to do that too.

Sometimes things can go wrong and our window of tolerance can be exceeded dangerously. In the most extreme examples (e.g a serious accident), if the trigger is severe enough the memory schemas on which we’ve learned to predict the world around us are temporarily blown away and cannot cope. When this happens the prefrontal cortex goes offline with all power diverted to the subcortical regions of the brain (limbic system, brain stem). This is the way the brain responds to situations when urgent action is needed. The parts of the brain responsible for rational thought and autobiographical memory are powered down. In traumatic situations areas of the brain such as the Hippocampus may become paralyzed altogether. Because of this, the traumatic event that is unfolding is not written to the mind as a normal, ‘regular’ memory. Instead it imprints directly on the limbic system of the brain, and so memories may be fragmented, incomplete, or context free. In these cases ‘memories’ can take the form of sensory flashbacks, outbursts of emotion, nightmares. And so we are left with recollections that feel different and dissociated from ‘the rest of us’, and not fixed in space and time. This set of thoughts, emotions and impulses can be deeply troubling and can take us over (literally) long after the traumatic event has finished. This is common with PTSD.

Moving inward from the extreme of PTSD, many people experience extreme anxiety and fight/flight/freeze physiological responses in situations that seem ‘normal’ to others. It doesn’t take a serious accident. Often this a result of our tolerance window being too narrow to begin with. When this is the case even ‘small’ triggers are enough to drive us to full blown anxiety attacks. I’ve known people for whom ordering a drink from a cafe would induce a state of frozen terror, or responding to a “hello” from a passerby in the street would be enough to cause physical symptoms of full-blown panic. I’ve known people who struggle to even consider as a ‘thought experiment’ being assertive (say, with an unfair boss at work) without taking themselves out of their tolerance zone. I’ve met people who’ve stayed in bad situations for far too long, too fearful to take action of any kind to help themselves. I could go on. Such people feel trapped, alone, overwhelmed and out of options. Sometimes this also comes with a sense of shame, leading to compensatory behaviours in other areas of life. At the mercy of their situation, people may look for ways to achieve a sense of control in at least one area of their life, to quieten their mind, to block out the outside world. Things such as food, exercise, drugs or self-harm behaviours might then be used to stifle all these difficult emotions and the horrible physiological symptoms of extreme anxiety. Often a temporary relief is achieved but at the cost of compounding the root cause of the problem. It’s a vicious cycle. The medicine starts to cause the illness.

Because the capability of our nervous system to handle arousal is something that first develops as we mature, we have to consider what conditions in childhood may have been absent or unbalanced in some way. Scenarios where adults might have failed to provide the conditions necessary for us to grow resilient in our childhood. Perhaps our caregivers were absent or too erratic in their care. Perhaps they were harsh and emotionally remote (”buck up!”), or perhaps too overbearing, drowning us in a flood of their own uncontrolled emotion and anxiety at too young an age. Maybe, even more dangerously, both. Whether through traumatic incidents or repeated ‘traumatic experiences in our relationships’ our nervous system can be taken well outside of the comfort zone. This often leads to panicked states of hyper-arousal (fight, flight) or hypo-arousal (a frozen numbness and even dissociation from the event).

How likely you are to have experiences outside your tolerance zone depends on many things, but I’ll mention two here. The first is your own ‘window of tolerance’. This is particular to you, and will depend on everything that has happened in your life up until now. As above, were the conditions right in your life for your own tolerance level to widen? The second is the force of the traumatic experience you encounter. If your window of tolerance is narrow then many encounters may lead to the kind of hyper-aroused flight/fight response described above. Equally, it might lead to the type of dissociation and disconnectedness we associate with a ‘freeze’ response. Dissociation is a way of compartmentalising something that is too difficult psychologically or biologically to process and work in the therapy room to integrate these things can take time.

My client and I are working with her memories and emotions of the traumatic incident, finding words to describe as closely as possible what happened to her (bodily, emotionally, spiritually). By pulling them into order, and in particular working to reduce the intensity of flashbacks, we’re reducing the automatic fight response that accompanies them. A part of therapy work with many other clients also involves trying to widen this window of tolerance. This is sometimes happening explicitly and we might talk about it openly, but more often it happens implicitly as we go about other things, and so I put it in a big box called “what actually happens in therapy while we are busy doing other things”.

Through talking about emotionally charged experiences we gradually develop our ability to hold uncomfortable feelings in awareness and to begin to share them with others. Some people have never been able to do this, having had to deactivate the innate drive we are born with to seek attachments with people and share difficult feelings. The skill has to be learned (or relearned). In therapy, one aim is to begin to see difficult situations and dangerous emotions as being understandable, shareable, and changeable. We might then feel less trapped, less prone to the ‘psychic-equivalence’ of equating our negative feelings or negative self-talk as iron-clad ‘facts’ about either the world or ourselves. We start to have options as to how to react, and this can be encouraged by experiments in between sessions too. A better ability to reflect on our experience allows us to recognise that our internal world is not the same as external reality, and it becomes easier to put some distance between triggering events and our reaction to them. With this flexibility, triggering situations that once overwhelmed our nervous system can begin to come more under control.

www.whitestonetherapy.com

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itspatsy · 7 years ago

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Okay, after much thought, here’s my attempt to explain how I’m generally okay with Trish’s trajectory this season in theory, but why I feel the writers slipped up in execution.

Addiction is a monster. It takes over your life, every facet of it, mind, body, and soul, and tears it to shreds. It controls you. It consumes you, fully. It leaves you lying to everyone around you, rationalizing, making excuses and justifications. It destroys your relationships. It makes you use, manipulate, and discard people, whether they be total strangers or your closest loved ones, because nothing is more important than getting your fix. It forces you to do things you never thought you would do, awful, immoral, degrading things. It twists you into someone you can’t even recognize. I get that. I get that this is what Trish’s storyline was about. And I get that none of the other characters were really in a position to help her deal with any of it, and how that shows the importance of having a support system to help you through a mental illness like this.

And it wasn’t a character assassination, because all the pieces were there. The barely contained rage and taste for violence, the self-protectiveness and need to be in control, the fear of vulnerability, the reckless self-destruction and lack of impulse control, the low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness, the undeveloped sense of self, the egocentrism and self-righteousness, the self-defensiveness and difficulty admitting wrongs, the envy of what others have, the obsessiveness, the apathy and trouble understanding others’ feelings, the overwhelming ambition to contribute something meaningful to the world, the desperate need to be someone that matters, really matters, to people. And there were shades of unhealthiness in her relationship with Jessica: codependency, envy, high expectations, the idealization, trying to live vicariously through her, pushing her into things that weren’t always best for her.

Those were all aspects of Trish, some more negative or harmful than others, and most of them very much a response to severe trauma and abuse. I’ve talked a lot about those aspects of her character in the past. They were part of her in s1, but tempered to manageable levels, because she was in a reasonably stable place in her life and was making an active effort to improve herself and to get better. But then her best friend and only support system disappeared for 6 months, she was almost murdered multiple times despite all her self-defense training, she broke 10 years of being clean with Simpson’s pill to protect Jessica, and her abusive mom found a way to slither back into her life by hanging information about Jessica over her head. That stability and any sense of safety and control she’d been able to develop was gone, all of her resistance was lowered to critical levels, and it opened her up to this relapse, which then ate away at the most positive parts of her personality and amplified the worst ones x1000. I get that.

One quick look through this blog will show that I was not one of those fans that ever thought Trish was some pure precious cinnamon role and moral paragon. I knew that under her put-together facade, she was a walking disaster that was as traumatized and damaged and desperate and conflicted as Jessica. And I did want the show to explore that damage and how trauma presents itself in many different ways. I wanted it to be clear to viewers Trish is actually not okay and is still struggling with her past. I wanted her issues with addiction to be examined. I wanted then to move towards Hellcat. I even wanted her and Malcolm to interact more and develop their own dynamic. So I should be happy, right? They technically did what I wanted. Shit, like 90% of the songs on my Trish playlist just became significantly more relevant. But no, I’m not really feeling happy about it, because I got the wishing on a monkey’s paw version.

A quick personal note: Trish means a lot to me, and her relationship with Jessica means a lot to me, and that’s something I can’t really put into words. My initial reaction to the season was just… an overwhelming sadness. And I don’t feel as bad now, but I keep bouncing between “sure, it does make sense” to “this is so awful, oh god, why would they do this???” Sometimes I feel this inspiration to write thousands of words of meta, but then it just as easily turns and suddenly I can’t stand thinking about it because it makes me nauseous. For the last year, I’ve thought about Trish every day in at least some capacity. I thought about her as I went to bed, when I drove, when I went for walks, when I had any short moment of time to myself. I’m not here to talk about whether using fictional characters like that is a particularly healthy coping mechanism, because that’s not the point right now. The point is, it was a pleasant distraction for me that helped me cope with other life things, but now it’s something that causes me pain and anxiety, and I’m stuck feeling like I have to detach from the thing that was helping me detach if I ever want to feel better.

I’ve been trying to pinpoint what it is about all of this that’s making me feel that way. Why do I feel like someone literally died? I don’t think my problem is with the characterization in and of itself because I knew those things were sitting under the surface, and it’s not with telling this story of trauma and addiction and putting the full ugly reality of it on display. It definitely isn’t a problem with the acting: Rachael Taylor was amazing and knocked it out of the park. So what’s the problem? Why isn’t this sitting okay with me? I’m generally pretty rational, but I think most of my issues here are very perception and emotion based rather than anything obviously intellectual, and it’s hard to verbalize. I’ll try my best. And I don’t know, maybe my feelings will change if I watch again, but right now, the idea of that still hurts too much.

So. The writers deconstructed Trish, which is fascinating in theory, but I just feel like they did it without… kindness? It felt like pure merciless brutality. Even mean-spirited sometimes. They debased every part of her life and her accomplishments, cheapened them, and put her in publicly humiliating situations at every opportunity. They left her without a shred of dignity, without her heart, without one positive relationship. And, no, addiction isn’t at all kind, it is cruel and demeaning and heartless, but I didn’t feel a sense of compassion from the writers themselves in how they handled her and her trauma and mental illness. That so many viewers are reacting so negatively to Trish doesn’t strike me as purely a failure to understand the impact of addiction, but that there was a failure on the writers’ part to show it in an empathetic, understanding way. Even I, someone that loves Trish so much and spends a lot of time in her head, feel like I have to do extra legwork.

It felt as though they were prioritizing and emphasizing her motivations in a way that was intended to put her in the absolute worst light possible. Her most selfish motivations (”unholy” ambition, jealousy, wanting to be the special one) were on full display and consistently pointed out by other characters, but they often underplayed her more sympathetic, obviously trauma based motivations or the motivations that were sincerely about helping other people. She talked the talked about doing good, but there was no point where it was shown in action. It was almost always a manipulative ploy to help herself or get her fix. I know Trish does sincerely care about people, wants to make sure they never have to feel as small and helpless and voiceless as she’s been made to feel, and I think probably the writers do think of that as one of her many conflicting motivations, but they didn’t show it, they only told it and then contradicted it. It also definitely didn’t help that it felt like they were villainizing ambition, and as a result, villainizing her for daring to have it. I don’t think I need to explain why the implication that women having ambition will lead them down a road of power-hungry obsession and selfish callousness is… not great.

And I feel like they just didn’t carry over what should have been obvious threads that would’ve helped make more sense of this downward spiral. What I said above about how her behavior here connects to the events of s1? That’s all headcanoning from me. The show didn’t actually draw those lines. It wasn’t clear that she was still reacting to having her vulnerability shoved so brutality back in her face by Simpson and Kilgrave. That she’d opened herself up to relapse after taking Simpson’s pill. That Kilgrave fractured her relationship with Jessica and the cracks still hadn’t been patched up. Or even that letting her mom near her again was reviving old traumas and pressures and expectations and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I think the whole thing moved too quickly, and they decided to give us the Darkest Timeline Trish without fully adding up the elements and explaining when and how we crossed the veil and dipped into that timeline. When I was plotting out an AU where she never met Jessica, s2 Trish is actually what I pictured. But that’s kind of the key point: it was a Trish that never had anyone’s love and support. That wasn’t true here. And I think at least pulling threads from s1 would’ve added more depth to it, instead of making it seem like she was only being driven by some desperation for MORE MORE MORE.

And I don’t know, maybe it’s all just in my head, but I perceived a kind of near softening of Dorothy (not completely, obviously) that almost felt designed to pull even more sympathy away from Trish. It just felt like they were pulling back on her. There were a few points where it seemed they were trying to veer her closer to lovable asshole territory and trying to gloss over things we know she did from s1. I think viewers do need reminders sometimes, especially if you’ve been off the air for over two years, and it doesn’t help to have things completely vital to a character’s identity and formation mentioned offhandedly in a quick conversation. That Dorothy literally pimped her daughter out was sort of brushed over and the repercussions of her role in it weren’t examined. Even their body language shifted compared to the defensiveness of s1. Trish just let Dorothy into her personal space, let her casually touch her, like it didn’t mean anything, like there wasn’t years of physical abuse. And then to put Dorothy in a position to be the voice of reason was just… wow. To leave viewers with the ability to say, “damn, Trish is a selfish prick, and Dorothy is just telling it like it is,” it felt gross.

By the end, the execution of all this felt more like a grueling punishment of the character than a complex, human story told with careful thoughtfulness and compassion. It felt villainizing. It felt like darkness for the sake of darkness. And listen, I love angst. I love complicated, difficult characters sometimes doing the wrong things. I love characters failing and falling and learning and building themselves back up. But I’m just so tired of hopelessly grimdark stories. I’m tired of shows destroying their light in a quest to compete for the title of sickest, saddest world.

And yes, this show was already harsh in its first season, and it didn’t back away from cruel reality, but it wasn’t hopeless. It had its heart. And that beating, bleeding heart was the relationship between Jessica and Trish. But they chose to rip that heart out. And that’s the thing that bothers me the most. They took away the most positive thing in these women’s lives, and the most positive thing in the show and something the fandom loved, and for what purpose exactly? In s1, they gave us these broken, codependent women that could be messy and wrong, that could cause each other pain, but still shared a love that was powerful and supportive and uplifting. That’s an infinitely more valuable and meaningful thing to put on the screen than another common, cliched story about petty jealousy tearing women apart.

And I’m aware it wasn’t as simple as a petty need to be the special-est person in the room driving Trish, that this envy stems from her knowing if she’d had Jessica’s power she’d have been able to protect herself from the things that still leave her feeling empty and small, how it continues to feed into her feelings of worthlessness and lack of control, that she’s been conditioned to believe nothing is good enough and she needs to be better and more than herself and have more than what she has if anyone is ever going to love her, but I also spend a lot of time in Trish’s head, thinking about her motivations and traumas. I doubt most viewers are going to take the time to dig deeper. And I don’t know, I can’t entirely blame the fandom for failing to afford Trish the same sympathy and understanding they’re willing to offer Jessica and her fuck ups when it feels like the show itself didn’t seem to want to give it to Trish or didn’t try to paint the fullest picture of where she was coming from. So the takeaway for a lot of people is going to be that the writers took this special, well-loved relationship and ripped it apart by making one of them a jealous, resentful, toxic creep. I can’t blame anyone for feeling upset or betrayed.

I can tell myself there was a point to all of this. I can tell myself they’ll pull Trish back from the edge, that she slipped, lost the plot, but that recovery is on the way, and she will make an honest effort to get better and be better and work to become her best self, which is the thing that makes a true hero. I can tell myself they’ll repair her relationship with Jessica, and the two of them will come out of this with a stronger, more healthy dynamic because they’ll finally openly address the ugly things that were festering. I can tell myself that, but I can’t trust it.

I trusted the writers once already. I trusted them to treat Trish with compassion and kindness, even as they broke her down and took her to dark places. I trusted them to show a difficult, complicated but still ultimately affirming and unconditional love between her and Jessica. But they broke my trust. How can I have faith about what they’ll do next season? How can I believe they’ll lift Trish back up and mend things with Jessica instead of taking her down a path of outright villainy? Honestly, making her a villain seems about as likely as anything else at this point. So I can’t trust them, and because this show doesn’t follow a typical schedule, I also won’t even get to know what direction they’ll take for at least another two years. And it’s just not a good feeling to have to sit with. It sucks when you invest so much of yourself into something, and then the things that meant the most to you about it get pulled out from under you, and you can’t even trust that it’ll actually get better.

#trish walker #jessica jones #jj s2 spoilers #so yeah that's where i'm at right now #it's subject to change maybe #but i'm still kind of just not wanting to think about any of it because it makes me sad #eta because i've been asked a few times: feel free to reblog

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gordonwilliamsweb · 4 years ago

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Trouble Managing Money May Be an Early Sign of Dementia

After Maria Turner’s minivan was totaled in an accident a dozen years ago, she grew impatient waiting for the insurance company to process the claim. One night, she saw a red pickup truck on eBay for $20,000. She thought it was just what she needed. She clicked “buy it now” and went to bed. The next morning, she got an email about arranging delivery. Only then did she remember what she’d done.

This story also ran on The New York Times. It can be republished for free.

Making such a big purchase with no forethought and then forgetting about it was completely out of character for Turner, then a critical care nurse in Greenville, South Carolina. Although she was able to back out of the deal without financial consequences, the experience scared her.

“I made a joke out of it, but it really disturbed me,” Turner said.

It didn’t stop her, though. She shopped impulsively online with her credit card, buying dozens of pairs of shoes, hospital scrubs and garden gnomes. When boxes arrived, she didn’t remember ordering them.

Six years passed before Turner, now 53, got a medical explanation for her spending binges, headaches and memory lapses: Doctors told her that imaging of her brain showed all the hallmarks of chronic traumatic encephalopathy. CTE is a degenerative brain disease that in Turner’s case may be linked to the many concussions she suffered as a competitive horseback rider in her youth. Her doctors now also see evidence of Alzheimer’s disease and frontotemporal dementia, which affects the frontal and temporal lobes of the brain. These may have roots in her CTE.

Turner’s money troubles aren’t unusual among people who are beginning to experience cognitive declines. Long before they receive a dementia diagnosis, many people start losing their ability to manage their finances and make sound decisions as their memory, organizational skills and self-control falter, studies show. As people fall behind on their bills or make unwise purchases and investments, their bank balances and credit rating may take a hit.

Mental health experts say the covid pandemic may have masked such early lapses during the past year. Many older people have remained isolated from loved ones who might be the first to notice unpaid bills or unopened bank notices.

“That financial decision-making safety net may have been weakened,” said Carole Roan Gresenz, interim dean at Georgetown University’s School of Nursing and Health Studies, who co-authored a study examining the effect of early-stage Alzheimer’s disease on household finances. “We haven’t been able to visit, and while technology can provide some help, it’s not the same … as sitting next to people and reviewing their checking account with them.”

Even during times that aren’t complicated by a global health crisis, families may miss the signs that someone is struggling with finances, experts say.

“It’s not uncommon at all for us to hear that one of the first signs that families become aware of is around a person’s financial dealings,” said Beth Kallmyer, vice president for care and support at the Alzheimer’s Association.

Early in the disease, Kallmyer said, dementia robs people of the abilities they need to manage money: “executive functioning” skills like planning and problem-solving, as well as judgment, memory and the ability to understand context.

People who live alone may be the most likely to slip through the cracks, their lapses unnoticed, Kallmyer said. And many adult children may be reluctant to discuss personal finances with their parents, who often guard their independence.

About 6 million Americans are living with Alzheimer’s disease, the most common cause of dementia. Dementia is an umbrella term for a range of conditions associated with declines in mental abilities that are severe enough to interfere with daily life. There is no cure. Alzheimer’s, which killed more than 133,000 Americans in 2020, is the seventh-leading cause of death in the U.S.

Many people have mild symptoms for years before they are diagnosed. During this stage, before obvious impairment, they may make substantial errors managing their finances.

In Gresenz’s study, researchers linked data from Medicare claims between 1992 and 2014 with results from the federally funded Health and Retirement Study, which regularly surveys older adults about their finances, among other things. Her study, published in the journal Health Economics in 2019, found that during early-stage Alzheimer’s, people were up to 27% more likely than cognitively healthy people to experience a large decline in their liquid assets, such as savings and checking accounts, stocks and bonds.

Another study, published in JAMA Internal Medicine in November, linked Medicare claims data to the Federal Reserve Bank of New York/Equifax Consumer Credit Panel to track people’s credit card payments and credit scores. The study found that people with Alzheimer’s and related dementias were more likely to miss bill payments up to six years before they were diagnosed than were people who were never diagnosed. The researchers also noted that the people later diagnosed with dementia started to show subprime credit scores 2.5 years before the others.

“We went into the study thinking we might be able to see these financial indicators,” said Lauren Hersch Nicholas, an associate professor of public health at the University of Colorado, who co-authored the study. “But we were sort of surprised and dismayed to find that you really could. That means it’s sufficiently common because we’re picking it up in a sample of 80,000 people.”

For decades, Pam McElreath kept the books for the insurance agency that she and her husband, Jimmy, owned in Aberdeen, North Carolina. In the early 2000s, she started having trouble with routine tasks. She assigned the wrong billing codes to expenditures, filled in checks with the wrong year, forgot to pay the premium on her husband’s life insurance policy.

Everyone makes mistakes, right? It’s just part of aging, her friends would say.

“But it’s not like my friend that made that one mistake, one time,” said McElreath, 67. “Every month I was having to correct more mistakes. And I knew something was wrong.”

She was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment in 2011, at age 56, and with early-onset Alzheimer’s two years later. In 2017, doctors changed her diagnosis to frontotemporal dementia.

Receiving a devastating diagnosis is hard enough, but learning to cope with it is also hard. Eventually both McElreath and Maria Turner put mechanisms in place to keep their finances on an even keel.

Turner, who has two adult children, lives alone. After her diagnosis, she hired a financial manager, and together they set up a system that provides Turner with a set amount of spending money every month and doesn’t allow her to make large withdrawals on impulse. She ditched her credit cards and removed eBay and Amazon from her phone.

Though not a micromanager, Turner’s financial adviser keeps an eye on her spending and questions her when something seems off.

“Did you realize you spent X?” she’ll ask, Turner said.

“And I’ll be like, ‘No, I didn’t.’ And that’s the thing. I’m aware but I’m not aware,” she added.

In 2017, Pam and Jimmy McElreath sold their insurance agency to spend more time together and moved west to Sugar Grove, in the Blue Ridge Mountains. They worked with a therapist to figure out how to ensure Pam is able to continue to do as much as possible.

These days, Pam still signs their personal checks, but now Jimmy looks them over before sending them out. The system is working so far.

“At first I was mad, and I went through this dark time,” Pam said, adding: “But the more that you come to accept your problem, the easier it is to say, ‘I need help.’”

Jimmy’s gentle approach helped. “He was so good about telling me when I did something wrong but doing it in such a kind way, not blaming me for making mistakes. We’ve been able to work it out.”

Tips for Helping a Loved One

It’s not easy to broach financial management issues with an elderly parent or other relative experiencing cognitive trouble. Ideally, you and they will have these conversations before problems develop.

As an adult child, you might mention you’ve been talking with a financial adviser about managing your own finances to ease into a conversation about what your elder is doing, said Beth Kallmyer of the Alzheimer’s Association.

Or suggest that allowing a shared financial management arrangement would eliminate the hassle of tracking and paying bills.

“Often people are open to the idea of making their lives easier,” Kallmyer said.

Whatever the approach, it’s important to plan and take steps to protect assets.

“Part and parcel of any legal or estate planning is protecting oneself in the event of incapacity,” said Jeffrey Bloom, an elder law attorney at Margolis & Bloom in the Boston area.

Specific steps depend on the family and their financial situation, but here are some to consider:

Encourage the parent in need of help to sign a financial power of attorney.

These legal documents authorize you or another person to act on a parent’s behalf in financial matters. The terms may be narrow or broad, allowing you to make all financial decisions or to perform specific duties like paying bills, making account transfers or filing taxes.

A “durable” power of attorney allows you to make decisions even if your parent becomes incapacitated. In some states, power of attorney documents are automatically considered durable.

Put assets in a trust.

A trust is a legal vehicle that can hold a range of assets and property. It can spell out how those assets are managed and distributed while people are alive or after they die.

“We do believe in the power of attorney, but we believe in the trust as an even better tool in the event of incapacity,” Bloom said.

Trusts can be tailored to a client’s concerns and provide more guidance than a power of attorney document about what money can be spent on and who has access under what circumstances, among other things.

You might be a co-trustee on major distributions, for example, or there may be rules that provide for you or others to review and be notified of any changes, Bloom said.

The Alzheimer’s Association recommends working with an attorney who specializes in trusts to ensure all laws and regulations are followed, Kallmyer said.

Have your name added as another user on a parent’s bank accounts, credit cards or other financial accounts.

This may be a convenient way to make payments or monitor activity. But a shared account can be problematic if children are sued, for example, or wish to withdraw the money for their own use.

The funds typically belong to all parties whose names are on the account. Unlike a power of attorney, the child isn’t obligated to act in a parent’s best interest.

Each of these setups may help protect a parent’s assets. But parents may not welcome what they see as interference, no matter how well meaning family members are. Typically, they can refuse to permit children’s access to their financial information or revoke permission previously granted.

Finding a balance between protecting someone and usurping their rights is hard, said Bloom. The only way to ensure financial control is to go to court to establish guardianship or conservatorship. But that is a serious step not to be taken lightly.

“You only want to do that if there’s a major risk.”

KHN (Kaiser Health News) is a national newsroom that produces in-depth journalism about health issues. Together with Policy Analysis and Polling, KHN is one of the three major operating programs at KFF (Kaiser Family Foundation). KFF is an endowed nonprofit organization providing information on health issues to the nation.

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stephenmccull · 4 years ago

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Trouble Managing Money May Be an Early Sign of Dementia