#couldn't think of a good caption rip

[rosaeh]

❦ jason «if i loved you less, i might be able to talk about it more. i lack the words to express my love for you but, please, let me show you. » todd

he cannot tell you how much you mean to him, the solace he finds in you. but he hopes his actions show you enough.

❦

more often than not, jason unfortunately finds himself not being able to speak up his feelings for you.

he used to resent himself for this. for not being able to truly show you how much he loves you, how much you improved his life.

before realising that, maybe, the only reason he couldn't find the words for it was because he felt too much. maybe if he couldn't speak it up, it was not because he lacked the words for it, but because there was no word meaningful enough to describe his utter love for you.

he wished a single word could wrap it all up. all his love for you, all his longing. the way he feels you within his very soul.

his heart is beating for you. you're the first — and only — thing it has beaten for in a while.

but he cannot show you. he cannot rip his chest open and show you the beating of his heart — no matter how much he wants to. so he has to settle with taking your hand in his, put it above his heart, and let you feel it — all while he has the great pleasure of keeping his gaze fixed on your face.

maybe jason couldn't voice his love for you, but he sure could show it. after all, actions do speak louder than words. and he finally understands why.

when he cannot express how grateful he is that you always wait for him to come home, he'd wrap his arms around you, and hold you close, as if he could merge his body with yours.

and when you come home from a tiring day, he'd have you resting your head on his lap, one of his hands holding yours while the other hoover over your face, caressing your features in such a delicate way. each caress holds his love for you. the one he cannot express. he loves you. he wishes he could take away your tiredness. you're everything to him, and he'd be willing to do anything for you. so he keeps you close, watching over you and appreciating how safe you look in his arms, while his fingertips trace the shape of your nose.

when he wakes up next to you, and is so struck by the sight of you by his side that he cannot even say the simplest words, he'd lean in and press kisses all over your face. he's not saying anything, but you understand. you know the meaning behind his kisses. he's grateful to have you by his side. grateful to have you with him, and he will never get tired of waking up next to you. no matter how long it's been this way. and he looks down at you with a fond gaze as he kisses your forehead.

he cannot voice the way you're always in his mind. how you're the only thought that ever crosses it. how dumb you make him. everything he encounters makes him think of you. but there are no words coming out of his mouth, and instead he brings these things home to you. he brings you this bouquet of your favourite flowers he saw while walking past the flower shop. he brings you this book he thought you'd like. he sends you picture too. no caption. but when you see the pictures, you know. this made me think of you — when do i not ? and you ? you keep these things close. you dry the flowers he brings you, read the book in one go, and put the pictures in a folder. "i love this man".

that's how he knows that, maybe, maybe, he's doing good enough. because that's all he wants, really. to do right by you. to give back to you all the love he feels in your presence. he wants to give you all that and so much more.

because if his words wrong him when it comes to expressing his love for you, he knows his actions don't.

[cookinguptales]

Okay so now that I've had some time to digest and think about Late Night with the Devil, some thoughts.

Sorry in advance, this got really, REALLY long as I rambled about all-male secret societies, who and what was possessing whom throughout this movie, literal and metaphorical hauntings, how fame and fortune tempt us all to give up our humanity, and uh. Family youtubers.

I really enjoyed the film, but I do have to wonder, to start with, if other people will get all the allusions...? I didn't think about it until later when I was reading confused posts by other viewers, but I guess the film does kind of predicate on a lot of somewhat arcane knowledge. Like you can understand what's going on without it, but I do think you get a lot more enjoyment out of it if you have a good working understanding of, like, the Satanic Panic of the 70s, the parapsychology/esper craze, James Randi's whole thing, Anton LaVey, Waco, late night hosts like Johnny Carson, and of course the Bohemian Grove.

The Bohemian Grove is kind of... like, obviously a lot of the people making up conspiracy theories about that recently are alt-right assholes (see: Alex Jones), but it is very much a real thing. It's kind of a modern Masonic situation, imo, where you get these big groups of rich, influential men together and they do silly, juvenile vaguely pagan frat boy shit. It's edgelord stuff. But because they are secretive and they are powerful, people come up with all of these conspiracy theories about them.

(I mean lbr that's kind of the history of the occult in general, isn't it? lmao. People ask me if I was afraid when I was studying secret societies and occultism and it's like -- no, these were by and large just rich assholes fighting over headcanons about rituals that they made up based off of deeply faulty scholarship. But I digress.)

The fact of the matter, though, is even if the actual rituals and stuff are kind of silly, the main focus is really rich, powerful men meeting up with other rich, powerful men and networking like crazy. It does keep the rich rich, the powerful powerful, and political resources focused on men. Like the Masons, women aren't allowed in the Bohemian Grove -- and women in politics have bitterly criticized the way that they're being excluded from this kind of networking.

(God, it's so fratty. It's so fucking fratty.)

So in that respect, it is kind of something to be feared.

And... I do think you see that aspect of it reflected in Late Night with the Devil. The consolidation of power, the networking with shitty people, and the way that women are "sacrificed."

[massive spoilers for the entire film to follow!]

I do think I want to see this movie again to firm up some of my ideas, because I suspect that there are a lot of details that I missed the first time I watched this. (And I really should have watched the open captioned version of this; I couldn't understand a lot of what the demon was saying, rip.) But here are some initial thoughts.

The heart of this, obviously, is the demonic presence at the Grove and the way that men go there to sell their soul for power. In a very literal sense, that's what's happening in this film and it's what happened to Jack Delroy. He made a deal with a demon for fame, and that demon ended up taking everything from him to achieve that.

But... metaphorically speaking, it seems clear that Jack Delroy was very willing to make human sacrifices in his day-to-day life. He may have literally (and I think accidentally) sacrificed his wife's life to a demon at the Grove, but he very consciously and willingly sacrificed her for fame when she was alive, too. I mean... imagine having a spouse who is actively dying of cancer and making her make an appearance on your show two weeks before she passes. For ratings. Imagine how much it must have physically taxed her. Imagine how difficult it must have been for them both emotionally. It even could have hastened her death. But he was still willing to do all that for views. He sacrificed his wife, his home life, and his overall privacy for views.

(Family youtubers, anyone? 🙃)

He's also willing to sacrifice his girlfriend, his crew, his audience, and a little girl for ratings. Gus, his voice of reason. He was willing to humiliate him onstage and wouldn't let him go home when he was scared. His audience, whose trauma he was entirely willing to capitalize on through Christou's act. His gf, who I'd argue was probably using Lilly as well, was totally thrown to the wolves when he realized it'd make good television.

Like -- yes, there were supernatural forces at play. Supernatural forces claimed these lives. But Jack sure as shit wasn't being very careful with them, and these supernatural sacrifices always, always mirrored his mundane ones.

(I mean... he performed a human sacrifice of a little girl on national television while in a hallucination about using the sacrificial dagger on his dying wife. It wasn't subtle. lmao)

Moreover, the producers of the show were also very willing to put people in harm's way and capitalize on tragedy for ratings. So... there's a really unsubtle message here about fame and capitalism and the way it tempts you to sacrifice your humanity to get ahead.

(MAYBE LIKE UNDERMINING YOUR ARTISTIC INTEGRITY BY USING AI INSTEAD OF HIRING ARTISTS, IDK)

I'd in fact argue that pretty much everyone who got on that stage that night sacrificed their humanity a bit for fame, with the possible exception of Gus. Gus was the voice of reason, but I mean... he was still there. Maybe a message about how once you get in, you can't get out. :(

But yeah, Jack's obvious, but also Christou, who was willing to use people's trauma for fame. June, who was willing to use a little girl's incredible trauma to advertise for her new book. Carmichael, who got off on humiliating people just to make himself seem smart.

Like... they all started with a kernel of something good (wanting to help the grieving, wanting to help traumatized children, wanting to stop charlatans) but in the end, show biz turned all those urges into the most amoral, selfish, and cruel versions of themselves.

And all of those people crumbled when they were confronted with something real.

(Side note, our theater was in hysterics when Carmichael tried to offer the demon the check. lmao)

Truthfully, it felt like all of them had made their own individual deals with the devil years ago. Halloween 1977 was just the devil finally coming to take his due.

That's the main message of the movie, I think, but there are still some smaller details I want to talk about.

The Grove itself was an obvious allusion to the Bohemian Grove, which is a secret society of powerful men who meet amongst the redwoods in Northern California. Their mascot has always been an owl, which is why you repeatedly see the owl motif throughout the movie. (Happy Owl-ween, the owl mask, etc.)

Abrasax makes sense as a demon to choose (the strong historical associations with magic and demonology, the reoccurrences in many world religions (and occult groups), the role in Gnosticism, etc.) but there seem to be vibes of Stolas, an owl deity who communicates arcane knowledge to humans in exchange for their souls, as well. I noticed a lot of little allusions to Abrasax throughout the film even before Lilly started manifesting, like the movie being shown after the show being about Abrasax.

Lilly... She was rescued from a cult that seems to be a hybrid of Anton LaVey's Church of Satan and the Branch Davidians who died during a siege by the US government in Waco, TX. (Like the cultists in the movie, their compound caught fire when they were being raided. IRL, it's unclear whether the fire was started as a suicide cult situation or if it was started by the actions of the government as they tried to flush people out.) In this cult, girls were sacrificed at age 13, and all who witnessed that sacrifice would fall under the control of Abrasax.

So... she was rescued at age 10. Three years have passed. So she is now 13, the age at which these girls were sacrificed. She was due, in other words. Who and what was possessing her... that's the question, I guess. Demons, historically speaking, were known to speak foreign languages, speak in the voice of other humans, have psychic knowledge their hosts shouldn't know, etc. So she did exhibit symptoms like that.

I think... there are a couple of options here. There's Abrasax specifically, there's June's theory that she was possessed by a minor demon, and there's Minnie. Or a combination of the three.

It's pretty clear that Minnie's presence is felt throughout the whole taping. You can see her reflection various times throughout the movie, she manifested through Christou, and obviously you see her in the tape playback.

(And when I say my theater YELLED. lmao)

The question is, though... Is it really Minnie? And if it is, what does she want? Has she been haunting Jack all along? Is she there because, as it's the first Halloween after her death, it's her last chance to deal with her unfinished business? Did the demon allow her to manifest? Or was the whole thing an illusion created by the demon all along?

(I'd like to note here that, historically speaking, there was a theory that ghosts aren't actually real. They're actually demons masquerading as the spirits of departed loved ones, and they want you to summon them and listen to them so they can tempt you away from God. You can read this in the writings of a lot of the ancient Christian theologians. Or you could have talked to my grandmother, who also told me this when I was a kid! :') But she's dead now so I guess you'd have to do a summoning and find out for yourself.)

All that said... I come down between two current theories. I'd have to watch it again to firm up my ideas.

The first theory is that she's been trapped on earth for the past year, but because it's Halloween, she can haunt them. They mention at the beginning of the film that Halloween is a recent spirit's last chance to take care of unfinished business. So this could have been the case with Minnie. That said... what exactly was her unfinished business? Was she trying to protect Jack and the others? Or hurt them? Was she angry, or was she just, as Christou said, sad? Was her "an unmarried man wearing a wedding ring" referring to the way that Jack was grieving her and still wearing his ring, or the way that he wasn't much of a husband to her when she was alive?

The second theory is that, when she was sacrificed to Abrasax, she became a part of that legion. She was, like Lilly and the other little girls, essentially raised to be sacrificed, and once she was, she joined everyone else who is under the control of the deity. It's still hard to sense whether she was trying to help or hurt throughout the broadcast, but it explains her presence (she came with Lilly, not Jack) and how she was used during Jack's hallucinations to ultimately get him to perform the sacrifice on Lilly, thus bringing all audience members (both in the studio and at home) under Abrasax's control.

Either way, Minnie, in this film, is literal ghost haunting the stage -- but also a metaphorical one. The ghost of all of Jack's past misdeeds and the humanity he's sacrificed to get ahead. She's guilt and she's shame and she's desperate grief, and I guess it's no wonder that the negativity surrounding her was enough to kill Christou when he touched it.

I do think it's fascinating that all of the women in this movie are, in a very real and physical sense, sacrificed for the aspirations of men. (The little girls are sacrificed, Minnie died of a mysterious cancer, June dies because Jack pushed for her to stay, etc.) But metaphorically speaking that seems to be the case as well. They're constantly expected to put their own comfort and safety aside for the men in their lives, and their own aspirations are consumed by the men's.

Like I said, it feels very telling that women aren't allowed at the Grove. Women are constantly being denied power in this movie (or are only allowed power when it's in service to a male costar/deity) and it's largely because they just don't have the connections that the men do. The deals were made while they weren't in the room, essentially.

I'm not sure if that was a conscious choice being made, but it does seem to dovetail nicely with the strong, strong sexism and male privilege present in real-life secret societies of powerful men that disallow women. Like June only getting to shill for her book because Jack let her, women are only allowed at the real-life Bohemian Grove in very limited areas -- and only as a male member's guest.

Um... back to Lilly, though. What the hell is possessing her? She speaks as Minnie a few times, but that could be because Minnie is a part of their legion or just because she's trying to freak out Jack. Demons are known to lie using the voices of loved ones. Minnie's presence could have been influencing her, but I definitely don't think that's all that was in there.

The question, really, seems to arise from what June said about Lilly changing like a week ago and how she started talking about Jack nonstop. At least one presence in Lilly seems to be the same deity that Jack spoke to in the Grove when he was making his deal with the devil (so to speak) because it mentioned that encounter. But is that the only one in there? Is it the same deity that's always been in there? Or did it come to her only a week ago as a way to get to Jack and complete their contract? ("It is done.")

Lilly refers to her demon as Mr. Wriggles (which feels like an Exorcist allusion) and it seems like she has a pretty good lid on it. And when that demon is brought out of her by June, it seems confused and frightened. But Lilly is pretty clearly possessed the entire rest of the broadcast, so really the two options are that she was faking the entire time just to fuck with them (entirely possible) or there were two different deities, perhaps the original (lesser) one put in her in the cult and Abrasax(?) newly arrived to claim Jack and his audience.

It's fascinating watching her, because you can see her slip in and out of a possessed state several times when people aren't paying attention to her (jerking, spacing out, etc.) but it's hard to tell whether that's different presences coming in and out of control, her "talking" to what's inside her, etc. Again, this is a thing I think would benefit from multiple viewings. I'm really not sure if the Grove creature is new to her body or if it's been there all along biding its time, and it's only changing its behavior now because it wanted to be on tv.

While her recently changed behavior seems to lean towards the former, I am sort of stuck on the detail that Jack said early on, that he read June's book and couldn't stop thinking about it. That could just be normal fascination (and he did end up having an affair with her) but it could also be demonic intervention. That would indicate that the demon was manipulating him into putting Lilly on TV long before a week ago.

What is not really up for debate is that the presence inside Lilly now is one that has connections to Jack through the Grove and promised him fame. Lilly (before she was visibly possessed) alludes to this promise by telling Jack that he'll be very famous after tonight. And once the ritual starts, she is seen taking electrical energy from the set and cameras. She is literally getting her power from the audience viewing the sacrifice. (It's very Ringu.) And after Jack stabs Lilly, the studio audience, audience at home, and presumably real-life audience watching this movie, are all put under Abrasax's control.

("Hail Abrasax" is seen multiple times throughout the film, which might also imply that the documentarians themselves are trying to spread this contagion after watching the video.)

Uh... a few more small things.

Carmichael Haig is obviously James Randi. Like Houdini before him, Randi was also a stage magician who dedicated his life to exposing "supernatural" charlatans. He did indeed offer a huge sum of money to whoever could prove him wrong. Carmichael even looked like James Randi. (Though I'd point out that "Haig" is the name of the man who constructed the owl statue at the real-life Bohemian Grove!) I suppose it makes sense that he'd be such an asshole in a world where demonic possession does actually exist.

The one thing I'd say is... it's hard to say whether this was a case of the filmmakers not thinking through implications or if this really was a nasty joke, but Randi was, IRL, gay. He came out late in life and got married to a man shortly before he died. So the implication that Carmichael, in the movie, wanted to join the Grove largely because he was perverted is... iffy. Carmichael was never stated to be gay in the movie (that I noticed) and it's hard to suss out whether the orgies he was talking about were relating to the all-male membership of the Grove (i.e. a gay orgy) or the women that these powerful men had hanging all over them (i.e. a... less gay orgy) and I do think which they were implying has major implications for what they were saying about a man who was, IRL, gay.

Like... if the implication was that he must've been willing to hurt people in order to have wild sex because he's gay, that's uh! Not great! But if the creators didn't realize that aspect of Randi's life (it was less publicized because, as I mentioned, it happened later in his life) then they might have just been pushing on that trope of powerful men using women.

Really, really hard to say.

Next, Christou. Christou... it's hard to say whether the man was psychic at all. It's clear that he was doing a lot of fake-ass cold reading beforehand (though I do want to go back through it and see if there really was any allusion to a Peter- character involving the skeleton) and was using interviews to find grieving audience members. (Two practices that James Randi talked about a lot IRL.) But he also did have a very real experience when he sensed Minnie and, while overwhelmed, didn't seem particularly shocked by it.

If I had to guess, I think that Christou does have some psychic powers (which is why I want to investigate the Peter thing) but can't control them well and is easily overwhelmed by real phenomena. He plays things up for the cameras (I noticed his accent slipped when he had his real experience, lmao) but I wouldn't be surprised if, like everyone else on stage, there's a kernel of something real in him.

Finally... that fucking skeleton! I want to do an entire watch through just to examine that guy. He was in the flashbacks about the Grove, so I think it's likely that he might've been a member of that. He also is the only one who refuses to take off his mask, which seems to relate to the dialogue at the beginning of the film about wearing a mask to protect yourself from spirits during Halloween. I think he's definitely in on what's going on, to some extent, but it's hard to figure out exactly in what capacity. Was it a Grove member, or maybe a cult member? A follower of Abraxas? Was it actually the personification of Death?

Hard! To! Say!

Like I said, I really do want to rewatch this movie to pay more attention to small details I might've missed in the theater. I'm also looking forward to seeing it with subtitles. It wasn't a perfect movie, but it was intriguing and original enough that I really enjoyed it and want to watch it again to puzzle through it. Really, the one big mark against it was the brief use of AI, which is just -- god, it's infuriating.

It's such a small part, so it would have been so easy to not do. (Apparently it wasn't even IN the first festival showing.) But it kind of pollutes the whole movie, especially when such a large message is not fucking over real people in the quest for success in the media landscape.

Plus, it just kind of looked like shit.

I know it's probably a lost cause, but I would be thrilled if they hired a real artist and redid those images for the Shudder release. It would be so easy to fix, and it would make the movie a lot better. Those commercial breaks were so funny and if they had better interstitials (that didn't make you feel icky just looking at them) then it would boost an already great film.

I just. I don't even know why they did it in the first place. I'm guessing, based on the fact that they weren't in the original screenings, that they were pressed for time to finish things...? But come on, surely you can find some artist who can do something quick for you. It wasn't even a moving image.

So uh... yeah, I guess that's where I'm at. It was an interesting (if slightly hokey) movie pulling together a lot of threads to make something cool and mysterious, I liked a lot of the acting (particularly Jack Delroy's) and set design, I wanna chat with people about it -- but I can't really in good conscience fully recommend it because of the AI thing. It's just such a disgrace to artistic integrity. Here's hoping they hire a real fucking artist.

[jxtina-86]

All The Way

We can't let this moment pass without a little celebration... DeanAmbrose/Becca. See here for the rest of the series/order to read.

Warning: Smut. Language

Rating: MA

Lyrics from You Know We Can't Go Back by Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds (It really encapsulates this couple in this moment in time)

I was stranded inside of these silent city walls

I scrape a hand over my face before lifting my beer and draining it. Placing the empty bottle back on the bar, I rock it back and forth with my finger as I wait for the barman to finish up serving another lone drinker, ready to signal that I'm in desperate need of another. I can still feel the adrenaline from the past few days pulsing through me and I need something, anything to take the edge off, to help me come down from my current high. Some might want to ride that high for as long as possible, but I say there's a time limit on its sweetness.

The barman raises his eyebrows in question at me and I nod, pushing the empty bottle away as he opens another and places it in front of me. I grunt my thanks and take a long swig before casting my eyes around the hotel bar. It's getting late, only a few stragglers remaining but I've been reassured that they remain open until the early hours. Not that I plan to be here until then, but it's good to know the option is there should I require it. But given that most of the roster has already started to ship out, catching the last flights back to their respective towns or making the journey by car to meet early morning flights elsewhere, I'm pretty much here on my lonesome for the foreseeable.

There would have been a time where I would've most likely had Roman for company, for one drink at least, before he crawled off to catch a few hours shut eye before embarking on his own early morning flight back to Tampa. But that was before Ella. Not that I begrudge him of that, hell no. Time at home is rare and I don't blame him for wanting to fight for every second he can spend with his two girls. If I were him, I'd do the same in a heartbeat. I smirk. I guess I kind of do the same anyway; anything to get an extra minute or two with Becca. The only reason I'm at the hotel bar and not on my own flight back tonight is because she's out of town until tomorrow anyway.

I draw my phone out of my pocket and scroll through it until I find the photo she sent me yesterday. Her work trip to Tampa had given her the perfect opportunity to pay Lex a visit and I was treated to an image of my girlfriend holding Ella in her arms, with the caption “I'm in love!” following shortly after. I was in catering at the time, mid-raucous laugh at someone's dirty ass joke when my phone buzzed loudly on the table. I almost choked when I flipped it over and saw the photo, my heart thudding loudly as I took in the image of Ella snuggled against Becca who wore a warm smile as she stared down at the baby cradled in her arms.

Despite the countless times I've told Becca it's okay to think about our future and the numerous times the very same thoughts have crossed through my mind, it's very different to be faced with an image that encapsulates everything we could possibly have one day. It felt like it was suddenly in touching distance and for the first time in a long time, a tremor of fear ripped through me. Not because I don't want any of that. Far from it. When I later that night I looked at the image again, I couldn't help the grin that stretched across my face and I still have that same grin now as I stare down at my phone. No, it's not because I don't want it, all of it. It's because I'm scared about what we might have to give up.

It might not look this way to some, but I think Becca and I have pretty much hit perfection. I can think of nothing more satisfying than spending every waking hour in her company. I couldn't give a fuck what we do, as long as we're doing it together, whether that's lazying around our apartment, sprawled out in bed or on the couch with her legs tangled with mine or running errands together, humming along to the radio, curling my arm around her waist as we stand in line at the grocery store and making her giggle as I nuzzle her neck. I don't need anything more, because what we have is more than what I had before. For two people who have never been in a long-term relationship until now, what we have and what we maintain is pretty fucking epic.

And whilst I can sit here and stare at her holding our friends newborn baby and imagine a world where that image is Becca and our own baby and let a thrilling wave of happiness wash over me at that thought, there's a little niggling voice at the back of my mind. One that ask questions. Questions that I wonder are the reasons why Becca has been so hesitant to express her own feelings out loud.

What if...

Everything works in theory, right? The best laid plans sometimes go wrong. Roman had everything planned out every single night he was on the road whilst Lex was close to popping and what happened? He barely made it. I mean, I guess he did make it in the end, but still. It wasn't the way it was supposed to go down. Maybe I've been viewing mine and Becca's future through rose-tinted glasses all this time. For so long, it felt so simple. And when she revealed that she'd thought about it too, it felt even more logical. The fact that she wanted all that with me made my heart soar. For a long time, I couldn't imagine there was a woman in the world who'd want to take my name or potentially carry my child. If I'm being truly honest, I couldn't imagine that I would find a woman that I wanted to have all that with either. I was overwhelmed with the idea that one or the other, or even both, were suddenly a possibility with a woman that I love so damn much.

Perhaps that clouded my judgement, blinded me from seeing that changing our dynamic could ultimately be our undoing. I feel ashamed at my previous cockiness, of not taking Becca's hesitancy on board. I've constantly reassured her, told her not to worry, told her that it's okay to enjoy the here and now and not to think of what's later down the line and I silently curse myself for sending out a message to her that I'm now starting to doubt. I've repeatedly told her that I would never fuck with her head like this and what am I doing? Just that. The one thing I promised her I would never do.

I chew my lip, drumming my thumb against the neck of the beer bottle. Do I tell her? Do I admit that I've ben a cocky son of a bitch when it comes to talking about our future and that underneath it all, I actually have the same concerns that she does? Or does that make it worse? Would it just confirm all the fears that we've slowly worked to dismantle over the last year? Half of me wonders if I should just keep my mouth shut and carry on as if none of these thoughts have ever wormed their way into my mind. But at the same time, if we don't address them, wouldn't that just leave us open to everything crumbling around us when it goes wrong?

I take another long swig of beer, squeezing my eyes shut as I lower the bottle back down. The endless possibilities and outcomes of my current predicament continue to fly through my mind and I feel dizzy, guilt gnawing at my stomach as I picture Becca's face flickering at lighting speed through a whole range of emotions. Fuck, I wish she was here. I wish I could touch her, hold her, feel her in my arms. I know that the second I see her in the flesh all these thoughts will instantly disappear and I'll realise what a fucking idiot I am for thinking them in the first place. When I'm with her, everything falls into place and I know the last thing I'll be doing is questioning anything.

Because I honestly do want everything with her. I can't imagine not having it. I just don't want it to destroy everything else we've worked hard for. I've seen how it's changed Roman and I can't even begin to describe how badly I want that. I want to prove to Becca that I am the right man for her, I want to prove to anyone who's ever doubted me that I am capable of bringing a child into this world and guiding them through its winding path.

I guess my main problem is selfishness. I can't begin to compute how it would be possible to share all the love I have for Becca with someone else. People say it's different, but I'm sceptical. I love Becca so much, it's painful at times. I don't know if I can offer that same love to someone else and still maintain the same level with Becca. And I don't want to share her. I'm scared of being left out, of being replaced. I'm scared of missing out on so much. I'm scared that one day I won't be able to do it anymore. And then where does that leave me? Alone. Unloved. Miserable.

I scowl at my shaking hand as I take another swig of beer. Talk about coming down from my high. Maybe this was a bad idea. Drinking alone, driving alone always leads me down this path and it takes me forever to drag myself out of this train of thought and onto more positive things.

Like I how I can't wait to see Becca tomorrow. I can't wait to be a regular boyfriend for a few short days before heading back on the road. I can't wait to share in her excitement about my achievement two nights ago. A small smirk graces my face as I recall her congratulating me on Sunday night, the glee in her voice soon fading into something far more sultry as she told me how much she was looking forward to celebrating with me in our own special way when we next saw each other. My smirk grows as I picture exactly how I want to celebrate with her and then I silently curse as my dick stirs.

It's moments like that which I don't want to give up. It's moments like that which I fear will change.

I drain my drink and debate another. Behind me I can hear the gentle clink of ice in a glass, murmurings of a couple debating whether to head up to their room, the click of heels on the floor, the soft scent of a woman's perfume that instantly reminds me of Becca. The chair next to me is eased back, a body slowly shifting into the space.

Out of the corner of my eye, I spy the red skirt grazing her knees, lace cuffing her wrists, a black wrap covering the rest of her arms. My eyes slowly rise and my heart starts to pound.

With my hand on my heart I couldn't tell you if I'd been dreaming Take me to my lover's arms, I won't wake up this time

Becca brushes a loose strand of hair from her face, her eyes on the bar yet I swear I can see her lips twitching. But she keeps her composure as the barman approaches and takes her order. As he turns away, she settles back in the chair, her gaze slowly rounding on me.

“What the–”

“Surprise, Champ.” Her mouth finally curves into that smile that makes me forget everything else in the world.

She slowly tugs the wrap away from her body and the smile is also forgotten as my eyes follow the deep neckline of her dress, my mouth going dry as inch after inch of bare skin is revealed. The lace trim brushes against the inner curve of her breasts, before coming together at her waist, where the solid material of her skirt takes over.

A finger slips under my chin, drawing my gaze away from her exposed skin and back up to her face. She giggles softly. “You like?”

“Becca...” I can't help the rasp in my voice and her eyes dance gleefully at my hypnotised state. I clear my throat, shifting in my chair as I fight to keep my composure. “You want me to show you how much I like?”

She chuckles, white teeth flashing at me as she tugs on her bottom lip. “Later.”

A soft whine breaks from me and I curse my own desperation as her hand brushes against my cheek, her fingers pushing back my unruly hair. “So impatient,” she comments softly. “Don't you know good things come to those who wait?”

“I've waited long enough.”

Her face softens. “I know.” She leans forward, her lips brushing over mine. “But you gotta wait a little longer, Mr Ambrose.”

I groan. “Why?”

“I just got my drink,” she explains with a sly smile at me, before her gaze switches to the barman as he places a large glass of red wine on the bar. My eyes narrow as I observe his gaze flickering south and I instinctively shift my chair closer to Becca's, my hand reaching out to slide over her knee. His cheeks flush slightly as he moves away and Becca clicks her tongue. “Protective much?”

“So this was your big celebration, huh?” I keep my voice low, letting my eyes roam over her body, breathing her in as I let one finger make its way slowly up from her wrist to her elbow to her shoulder. “I figured it would involve less clothing.”

“What kind of gift would it be if I didn't wrap it up all nice for you?” She stares at me innocently, but her eyes give her away.

“Half-wrapped,” I correct as my finger runs from her shoulder down along the neckline, stopping short of her breast.

“I thought I'd let you get a sneak peek.” Her eyes sparkle at me over her wine glass. “I'm nice like that.”

“More like a tease.”

“Maybe,” she lowers her glass with a soft clink, slowly crossing her leg and causing my hand to move to her thigh. “But I always follow through on a promise.”

“Is that–” But my words catch in my throat as my hand slips further down her thigh and I feel the outline of a clasp beneath her skirt. I spread my fingers, slowly feeling the strap resting against her skin, the way the material feels against her bare skin versus the beginning of her stockings. My tongue is thick in my mouth, my breathing shallow as I lift my eyes to hers.

“Cat got your tongue?” she murmurs, a familiar glint in her eye that tells me everything I need to know. “I didn't realise it was possible to make you speechless...”

I wet my dry lips, relishing in the way her gaze drops down to watch my actions, her own lips parting ever so slightly. I let the hand on her shoulder rise, my fingers nudging back the loose strands of her hair from her cheek and neck as I move my closer, my other hand still on her thigh, my fingers brushing up and down the length of the suspender strap.

“You're in big trouble, darlin',” I murmur against her ear, a thrilling tremor running down my spine as I feel her shiver.

“For what?” she shoots back, twisting her head towards me, her forehead barely a whisper away from mine. My fingers curl around the back of her neck, pulling her closer. “As far as I can tell,” her hand drops to my knee. “You seem quite enamoured by my choices tonight.”

I have to fight to stop myself from hissing as her hand drags up my thigh, her fingers dipping between my legs as she edges closer and closer to where my dick is already twitching.

“And anyway,” she continues, her breath warm on my cheek. “I kinda like being in trouble with you.”

“Is that so?” I manage to rasp.

She nods slowly, her bottom lip disappearing once again before she lets it go and I'm hypnotised watching the plump red flesh bounce back into place. “Being bad never felt so good.”

My own breath hitches as her lips briefly meet mine.

“So good,” she murmurs, pulling away and turning her attention back to her drink. She takes a long sip, her hand still on my thigh, her nails gently digging against my jeans. I squeeze her thigh in response, watching as she smiles against the rim of the glass.

“Please,” I half-groan as she sets down her glass and starts to run a solitary finger up and dow the length of the its stem. “Let's go.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

She rocks her head to the side, innocence taking over her features yet again. “Do I?”

“C'mon,” I can't help but whine. “You can't expect me to sit here for much longer with you wearing all of this.”

“I can,” she says with a sly smile. “I spent ages getting all dolled up and I'm going to make the most of it before you inevitably rip this dress off me and mess up my hair.”

I chuckle and she gives me a questioning look. “Darlin',” I breathe lowly. “I ain't gonna be tearing anything off you.”

She pouts, her mouth opening to retort, but I cut her off with another chuckle. “Nah, I'm gonna be taking my sweet time with you tonight.”

“You say that but–”

“You saying I can't control myself?” I question. “If I had no self-control, we'd be fucking on this bar right about now.”

“Dean–”

“Or I would've at least you dragged you to the bathroom and have my head buried between your thighs...” She reddens, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as I brush my thumb over her hot cheek. “You like the sound of that, huh?”

She nods, her head titling into the palm of my hand. “Please...”

“But,” I pull back my hand and pat her thigh with the other. “You got your drink to finish.”

“Dean!”

“Two can play at that game, darlin',” I cast her a sideways look. “What?”

“You're a bad man, Ambrose.”

“Tell me something I don't know,” I reply, my gaze dropping away as I recall my earlier thoughts.

Her hand ghosts up my arm. “Dean?”

“Yeah?”

“You okay?”

I glance up and my heart tightens as I see the concern flooding her face. “I'm fine,” I smile.

“You can tell me.”

“I'm fine,” I say firmly, reaching for her hand and tugging it into mine. I give it a reassuring squeeze, raising it to my lips so I can kiss each of her knuckles.

Her fingers flutter across my forehead, pushing back my hair as she searches my face. “We can go,” she says softly.

I shake my head. “You gotta finish your drink.”

“I can leave it.”

“You want me that bad, huh?” I grin as she rolls her eyes. I breathe a sigh of relief as I watch the concern leave her face, replaced with her previous playful expression.

“What can I say?” she reaches for her glass. “You're a hard man to resist.”

“I'd say you're doing a pretty good job resisting so far tonight.”

“That's because I know you like the chase.”

“Only because I get you at the end.”

She smiles softly, her head lolling against my shoulder as she swirls her wine in the glass. “You got me a long time ago, Dean.”

I press my lips to her head, my fingers brushing over her lace-clad shoulder. “I know. I'm a lucky man.”

“Very lucky,” she rocks her head back and winks up at me. I manage to hold her gaze for a second before my gaze is diverted to the wide expanse of bare chest before me.

“So fucking lucky,” I murmur as she giggles.

**

Maybe I believe in magic love I find it in the moon and stars above I'll drag you from that one horse town That'll bring you down And I'll love you for all time

I kick the hotel room door closed, my hands palming Becca's shoulders, my nose nestling in her hair as she leans heavily against me. She turns in my arms, one hand on my chest as she backs me up against the door, the other seeking out the light switch. I cup the back of her head, slowly easing her gaze back to me as I dip my head down to meet her lips. My other hand slips down her back, my eyes closing in anticipation as I feel the outline of her garter belt around her waist before my palm seeks out her ass and squeezes firmly. A soft whimper escapes her and I swallow it hungrily as my mouth covers hers.

“Slow,” I murmur, almost as a reminder to myself as I pull back and eye her plump lips. I can't help but kiss them again, pulling her tightly against me, relishing in the way she relaxes into me, her mouth willingly letting me explore, her hands clawing at the back of my neck.

She pulls away with a moan, her eyes dark as her hands leave my neck and slide over my chest instead. She tugs at my shirt, easing it up high enough to let her hands slip underneath and I hiss as her nails scrape gently across my stomach. Her lips twitch into a coy smile as she lets one finger trail along the waistband of my jeans, playfully pulling the top button loose.

I push away from the door, spinning her around and grabbing her hands at the same time. I slowly ease them above her head, pressing them firmly against the door.

“Not how this works, darlin',” I remind her. “I'm gonna be taking my sweet time with you, remember? You can't just skip the appetiser.”

“I wasn't planning to,” she grins and I groan, leaning down to nuzzle at her neck. “Trust me, I was going to make sure I wetted both our appetites...”

“Later,” I murmur against her throat. “I promise I won't stop you.”

“I'd be worried if you did,” she breathes. “Although you have a habit of stopping me just before the good bit.”

“The good bit?”

“Yeah...” she sighs. “The bit where you get all breathy and your legs start to shake and your hand twists a little tighter in my hair...”

My cock is already straining in my jeans, begging to get some air, but it jerks a little harder at her words and I'm almost tempted to rewind and let her do as she pleases. I close my eyes and breathe deeply, letting her perfume flood my senses as she squirms against me.

“Sounds familiar,” I finally say. “Someone else has a tendency to get a a little feisty when they're on the edge. Although it tends to involve way more cursing and your legs wrapped around my neck and shoulders.”

“That's because you have a bad habit.”

“What's that?” I nip at her throat, chuckling as she hisses.

“You leave me hanging.”

I pull back with a raised eyebrow. “When have I ever left you hanging?”

“In the end you don't,” she acknowledges. “But you like to push me close and then pull me back.”

“The results are worth it,” I point out. “But you wanna know why I do it?”

“Why?”

“Because I can't get enough of you.”

Her cheeks flush faintly, a shy smile tugging at her lips as her gaze ducks away from mine. “You're cute, Ambrose.”

“It's the truth.”

“That you can't get enough of me or that you're cute?”

“Both,” I grin and she giggles, her head rocking back against the door. I take the opportunity to cup the back of her neck, my thumb running over the delicate skin before me as her eyes glimmer. “And I know you can't get enough of this.”

“Of you,” she corrects. “I can't get enough of you.”

I smile as I let my hand slide over her shoulder and down her chest, the lace tickling my palm as my fingers pluck at the dangerous neckline. But as much as I want to tug away the lace and reveal her naked breasts, cup them, pinch them, suck on them, I resist. Instead I tease, my fingers brushing against the curve of her breast, my palm seeking out a semi-hard nipple beneath the material which in turn I circle with my finger, drawing it slowly out until I can pinch it between thumb and forefinger as Becca hisses at the sensation.

Her hands twist against mine holding them firm over her head, her body arching against me as a soft plea floats through the air.

“I didn't catch that...”

“More,” she gasps.

I switch hands, continuing to grip her wrists as I lower the other to tease her other breast, my head dipping to nip at her throat again, my lower body pressed firmly up against her, my hips slowly twisting against hers so she can feel my ever-growing hard on. The sound of her stockings sliding against my jeans whispers through the air and I groan against her hot skin; the thought of her legs, still clad in the stockings, wrapped around my head as I feast on her is almost too much to bear. I pull her away from the door with a growl and she stumbles against me in surprise.

I spin her around again and then slow as I seek out the zip on the back of her dress and start to edge it south. Her head drops forward as my lips press against the back of her neck and then follow the zip down, kissing each inch of newly exposed skin. I slip my hands inside the dress, slowly easing from her shoulders and down her arms, my chin resting on her shoulder as I watch the material fall away from her breasts. My hands instantly cup them, her head tipping back so I can capture her mouth as she shrugs the dress free from her arms and wrists. My hands drop to her waist, tugging the dress further south and groaning as my fingers brush over the lace and silk of her garter belt.

“Fuck, Becca,” I mumble into her mouth before pulling away and twisting her back around in my arms. She takes my hand as she steps out of the puddle of material on the floor, my eyes roaming over her topless form before lowering to take in the way the belt hugs her body from waist to hips, the silk criss-crossing over the lace before giving way to...

“I thought I'd save you the effort of having to rip my panties apart.”

Her words hang in the air, my mouth going dry as it slowly dawns on me that she's been panty-less ever since she entered the hotel bar.

“Darlin',” I manage to say without stuttering. “You're just full of surprises.”

She winks, stepping closer. “I thought you might appreciate this particular one.”

I let my hands slide over her hips and pulling her against me. Looking over her back, I watch my hands trail over her bare ass before my fingers trace down the straps that hold her stockings in place, tugging them back and letting them snap gently against the backs of her thighs. She shivers, her hands making their way down my back and clawing once again at my shirt. This time I let her strip me of it, my mouth crashing against hers once she's pulled it over my head, my hand in her hair, anchoring her to me as we stumble back towards the bed.

I lower Becca onto the sheets, my mouth still firmly attached to hers. There's a muffled thump as her shoes fall to the floor and then her feet press against the back of my legs, holding me to her. My dick is throbbing, my pants tight as I release her mouth and work my way down her neck, my hands already on her breasts, circling and pinching each nipple. Her back arches as I cover one and then the other with my mouth, wetting them equally as she moans in appreciation. Her hands are in my hair and I have to fight against her grip to move back and forth between her breasts, unable to make my mind up as to which one to focus on the most. I press my lips against the valley between them, breathing in the heat of her skin before she tugs my head up and guides me back up to her waiting mouth.

“Need you,” she whispers breathlessly. “Please...”

I tug on her bottom lip, enticing a delicious whimper from her throat. Pressing my forehead against hers, I fight to catch my breath, my hands finding hers and pulling them slowly away from me before pushing them back on the bed. “Slow,” I remind her.

She grumbles as I rise and stand at the end of the bed, my eyes never leaving hers. I push my hair back from my face before lowering my hands to finish what she started earlier, the zipper of my jeans deafeningly loud above our heavy breathing. Becca's eyes flicker south and she shifts up onto her elbows, head one side as I kick off my boots and let my jeans fall to the floor. One stocking clad foot slides against my bare thigh and my dick jerks in my boxers. Giggling, she rises, her face almost level with my crotch and she slips her hands inside the waistband of my boxers and eases them down, her mouth on my hip until my dick springs free. I groan as watch the tip disappear between her sinful lips and she holds my gaze steadily as she laps at the head before letting it go.

Her fingers slide over the tip, gathering the wetness and spreading it down my length before her fist closes around me and she slowly starts to pump. She continues to hold my gaze, a lazy smile spreading across her face as I bite my lip and silently beg for her take me back into her mouth. But she defies my unspoken wishes, her hand slow and steady as she presses her mouth instead to my hip again, her free hand trailing up and down my leg and making me shiver.

“Becca...” I plead hoarsely.

“Slow, you said,” she smirks. “So slow is what you get.”

My fingers brush over her cheek. “Please.”

She shakes her head, catching my thumb between her lips and drawing it in, sucking firmly until I hiss and tug it free. I groan loudly, my hips jerking forward, thrusting my length through her fist and she giggles. Her lips brush over the tip in a soft kiss, her tongue darting out to trace the slit as her fist increases in pace. The hand on my leg slips to balls, her nails scratching softly as she takes the head into her mouth again and sucks firmly before releasing me with a pop.

“More,” I rasp, my hand slipping to cup the back of her head.

Her hands fall to my thighs as she covers the tip once again and this time lets me slowly slip further and further into her mouth. And still she holds my gaze, her eyes blinking only once as the tip of my cock hits the back of her throat and her lips stretch around the base.

“Becca,” I groan as she hums softly, her eyes flickering shut as her hands grip my thighs harder. I let go of the back of her head and she gradually releases me, my dick shining as she presses her lips to the tip again.

But I have another idea. I nudge her back onto the bed, crawling over her, gathering her against me and then rolling onto my back. One hand slips between us, her fingers on my dick as she guides me to her entrance.

“No,” I grunt as I feel her wetness slide over the tip. “I wanna taste you first.”

She grins, releasing my dick and then brings her fingers up to my mouth. “Go on then.”

I grip her hand as I suck each finger clean, watching the hazy look take over her eyes as she bites her lip. “Sweet as always,” I tell her with a smirk, my hand sliding down squeeze her ass. “Now turn around so I can get a proper taste.”

She obliges, rolling off me before turning to face away from me. I help her guide one leg over my head, my eyes closing as I breathe in her heady scent, my mouth already starting to water in anticipation. My hands slide over her lower back, my fingers digging in through the lace and silk as she leans forward to press her mouth to my stomach and then hip before she reaches my cock once again. My hands drift to her hips in response, pulling her back so that her wet entrance bobs in front of my face. But I turn my attention instead to her thighs, adorning them with soft kisses which make her whimper around my dick. My hands follow suite, my fingers plucking at the straps that hold her stockings in place, snapping them back firmly this time and making her cry out as she grinds back and tries to make contact with my mouth.

I palm her ass, spreading her open to me, one eye on her pussy as I run my tongue from the top of her thigh up the swell of her ass. My teeth graze her skin, making her twitch above me and I let them sink in a little deeper, my finger digging into her other ass cheek as she whines.

“Dean... Quit teasing...”

I tap her ass firmly with my hand, making her moan as her mouth finds my dick again.

“Patience,” I murmur against her hot flesh as I work my way closer and closer to her slick entrance. I take a long, slow lick, groaning as her juices seep onto my tongue and she squeals in delight, her hips jerking backwards. I twist an arm over them, holding her firm and forcing her to go at my pace, rather than her own.

But I'm not about to sit here and tease her, despite her earlier claims. Not tonight. Despite her teasing of me with the dress, the stockings and the lack of panties, I'm going to giver her what she wants over and over again. I want to feel her legs shudder around me, I want to feel her pussy pulse in my mouth, around my dick. I want to watch her come undone at my touch over and over again, until she's limp in my arms, until her voice is hoarse from screaming, until her body is slick with sweat and she sticks firmly to me. Because that's what you do when your girlfriend surprises you in a mouth-watering outfit just to congratulate you on your achievement. Because that's what you do when she makes you feel like the luckiest damn guy on the planet with just a look and a smile.

So I cover her with my mouth, my tongue working away at her entrance as she grinds back against my hold, her fist starting to become erratic around my length, her warm breath on the tip making it twitch as she hisses and whimpers. I'm yet to even touch her clit and she's already panting and begging and it makes my ego swell. Grinning like an idiot, I pull back and watch her ass tremble as my fingers dance up and down the sensitive landscape of her inner thighs before I lean forward and reward her by circling my tongue around her clit. She yelps, her calves clamping down on either side of my head as I repeat the movement over and over again until she collapses forward, her hair brushing against my groin, her mouth sinking onto my dick. And then I wrap my lips around the sensitive flesh and suck firmly, causing her to arch her back and pull back with a howl.

“Shit!”

Spurred on, I clutch at her ass, holding her wide open to me as I let her grind back against me, not once letting my mouth slip from her. Her hand still tugs on my length, but her panting is hot and heavy against my thigh, her hard nipples tickling my stomach as she writhes above me. She jerks forward for a second, but I follow her, my mouth still firmly attached to her clit as she gasps, my name almost a sob.

“De-an... Fu–”

Her body rocks back violently, forcing my head back onto the mattress as she slips further away from my dick. But I couldn't give a shit about her getting me off right now. Watching, or rather feeling, her come undone is the ultimate turn-on and I can feel the blood rushing south as she lets out a choked breath, her fingers digging into my thighs as she grinds back once again. I slip a hand under her stomach, nudging her upright, growling as she does and her pussy presses against my mouth, her juices sliding over my lips, my chin, my whole damn face. Her hands find my arms as she struggles to keep her balance, but I've got a firm grip on her ass, my hands squeezing reassuringly as my tongue continues to work her clit, pressing flat against it as my mouth covers her entrance again and she pants and moans above me, her legs starting to tremble around my head.

“Fuck... Dean... I...”

I dig my fingers in tighter, my lips attacking her clit, sucking hard as I slide my tongue back and forth until...

“DEAN!”

Her scream rips through the air, her hands slipping on my arms as her knees grip my sides and then suddenly she's balanced precariously on my mouth, her ass shaking in my hands as her climax tears through her body. She's rigid above me as she gulps for air, her fingers digging into my arms as I continue to suck on her clit.

And then she falls forward, face first into my lap, her warm breath on my balls as shaky fingers flutter against my thighs. She whines softly as I continue to lap at her, my hands gliding over her ass and thighs. She desperately tries to wriggle away, but I hold on tightly, my tongue soft and gentle as I coax her towards a second orgasm. My arm slides over her waist, my fingers taking a firm grip on the garter belt as I hold her still as her legs start to shake again and she nips at my thigh in response, making me hiss.

She scrambles sideways, her legs slipping over my head, but I follow her with a growl, my hands seeking out her own as she twists onto her back and I crawl over her. Her lips are swollen from her teeth and I eagerly press my own against them, my tongue pushing into her welcoming mouth, our moans intermingling as she tastes herself. Her fingers twist in my hair as I reach between us and fist my dick, my legs nudging hers wider. Her head rocks back against the edge of the bed, her body arching as I rub the tip of my dick against her pussy, groaning loudly as it slips inside her.

Anchoring my knees to the mattress, I scoop my arms under her, my mouth against her throat as I thrust forward and fill her completely. I hold still, breathing hard against her flushed skin whilst her fingers dance slowly down my back to pinch at my ass.

“You okay?” she whispers.

I look up at her, shifting my weight so I can reach up and delicately peel a strand of her hair from her hot cheek. “Never better.”

She hooks a leg around my waist, her hips slowly rocking against mine and I finally move, matching her rhythm. Pressing one hand into the mattress, I ease back slightly, my head dropping forward to watch as my dick slides in and out of her. Her lips press against my forehead and I can feel them curving into a smile as I reach for her bent leg and curl it further around my waist. I edge it higher, my fingers slipping to her thigh where I snap at the straps and grin down at her as she hisses.

“Wear these more often,” I mumble against her mouth, not caring how pleading my voice sounds.

“Only if you promise to eat me out like that every time,” she whispers back, her fingers ghosting up my back.

“Always.”

“Deal,” she moans, her body arches as I thrust into her harder than before and I let my mouth slip down her neck, bending so I can attack her breasts, my teeth scraping against the nipple. She cries out, her fingers in my hair once again, holding me to her as I growl hungrily.

I pull back, chuckling at her frustrated mewl as I flip her onto her stomach and pull her up by the hips. She grinds back, my slicked up dick sliding between her ass cheeks as she fists the bedsheets, her cursing muffled as her head drops forward.

“What was that?” I ask, my palm connecting with her ass cheek and making her arch.

Her head twists to the side, pouting up at me. “I said, fuck me.”

“You gotta ask nicely,” I chide, gripping my dick and fisting it hard, my heart pounding as I watch her eyes hone in on my actions and her tongue darts out to wet her lips.

“Please...”

I push into her slowly and her eyes flutter closed, a satisfied smile replacing the pout. I lean forward, moulding my body to hers, my face nuzzling her neck and then cheek as I cup and squeeze her breasts. My hips rock back and forth at a slow pace and I groan as I feel her thrust back against me. She twists her head slightly, her lips brushing over mine. Her hips rise again and then she hums softly into my mouth and I can feel her fingers sliding betweeen her legs, gripping the base of my dick every time I pull back before she moves to tease her clit.

Easing my arm under her shoulders, I grip firmly as I rock back on my knees and bring her upright with me. Covering her hand with mine, I encourage her to keep going as I thrust up into her, my teeth scraping against her throat as I cling to her. My hand slips to grope at her breasts again, pinching each nipple until she whimpers my name.

“Dean...”

I cup her throat with my palm, my fingers on her chin, rocking her head back until her whole body starts to arch and she stares up at me with a lust filled gaze, as I slam into her, holding her fingers against her clit as she shudders against me. Her eyes squeeze shut, her mouth twisting as she starts to howl but I swallow the sound, my mouth crashing against hers before she can collapse forward again.

I guide her back onto the bed, still remaining on my knees as I thrust into her slowly, letting her recover enough before I chase down my own release. But Becca has other ideas.

“Move,” she murmurs, a hand pushing at my thigh until I pull out of her. As she rolls onto her back, I go to move over her but she pushes me back again. “Let me...”

She pushes me back to the edge of the bed, until I stand on shaky legs, my hand still on my dick as she crawls towards me. Knocking away my hand, she takes over and my head rocks back as I feel her tongue swirl over the tip. She shifts slightly and I look down to see her staring up at me, as she lies before me, her legs raised behind her, crossed at the ankles as she takes me further into her mouth with a lazy sigh.

Her eyes flicker closed as she moans, her lips stretching around me. I curse softly as her hand cups my balls and the tip of my dick hits the back of her throat. She pauses for a second, her tongue lapping at the underside before she takes me in further. I scrape a hand over my face with a ragged breath as she releases me slightly before taking me back down, deeper than before and I know I'm not going to last, not with the way she's moaning around me, her fingers digging into my thighs as she takes control. Now it's my turn to curse and grind forward, groaning loudly as her hands move to my ass and she holds me firm, her head bobbing back and forth.

And then, just as I'm about to warn her about my impending release, she pulls back, her fist taking over, her mouth open wide.

“Fuck, darlin'... I...”

Thick white strands land on her lips, her chin, her cheeks. Her mouth covers the tip again, her fist coaxing me dry as I continue to cum in her mouth. She swallows hungrily, grinning up at me as she casually swipes a finger across her cheek and licks it clean. My hand cups the back of her head as her tongue darts out to lick at her chin and my mouth crashes against her, not caring that my seed is still on her tongue which plunges into my mouth with fiery intensity.

“Shit,” I groan against her lips as I move back onto the bed and pull her into my arms.

She giggles, pressing her mouth against mine again in response. “Told you we'd celebrate in style.”

“I'd say that was a bit of an understatement,” I murmur as she tucks her head under my chin. “What you got in store for me when I finally win the WWE title, huh?”

“I've got some ideas,” she whispers, her fingers trailing over my chest.

“Such as?”

She rises on her elbow. “And give away the surprise? Not a chance.”

“A hint then,” I curl my arm around her shoulders and squeeze. “All I'm asking for, darlin'.”

She grins. “Maybe you can be the one wearing the accessories.”

I frown in confusion and then I see her eyes glimmer. A sly smile tugs at my lips. “Why wait?”

Now it's her turn to frown. “What do you mean?”

I roll her onto her back, pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead, the tip of her nose and finally her mouth. “I got another belt that'll do just fine.”

“Dean!”

“What?” I smirk.

She curls a hand into my hair and pulls me down to her. “You're insatiable.”

“And you love it.”

“Love you,” she whispers. “I love you.”

But it's alright And you know we can't go back I said it's alright To know we can't go back You know we can't go back

**

If that's the time then I guess must be leaving Gone are the days and the dreams we screamed out loud

The bedsheets tighten around my waist as I roll over and reach for Becca. But she's not there. I open one eye and survey the empty bed, the rumpled sheets, red lipstick on the white pillowcases, black stockings draped over the bedside table. I scrunch up my face, listening for the sound of the shower running, my mind already there, scooping her wet body into my arms, but it's quiet.

My eyes are just drifting shut again when the hotel door clicks and I look over to see Becca making her way in, closing the door quietly behind her, two coffee cups balanced one on top of the other in one hand. She glances over to the bed with a grin.

“Morning. I figured the coffee machine would wake you.” She approaches the bed and I take note of my hoodie around her shoulders, the cuffs rolled up, as well as my beanie pulled over her head.

“Where did you get clothes from?” I ask as I take in the rest of her outfit, my voice still thick with sleep.

She chuckles, placing the cups on the bedside table. “Roman left me your spare room key behind reception. I came up here and dumped by case before I went down to the bar to find you.”

 I reach up and tug the beanie from her head, my fingers mussing up her hair as she rolls her eyes. “Looks better like that,” I tell her.

“Yeah, you're an expert at giving me that 'just fucked' hair.” Her hand slips to my head. “Speaking of... As much as I love being able to get a firm grip on yours,” she tugs gently. “Don't you think it's about time you got it cut?”

I grimace and she giggles, giving way to a squeal as I wrap my arms around her and pull her onto the bed.

“I thought your fangirls love it when you get your hair cut,” she comments.

“Only one girl's opinion I'm concerned about.”

She twists in my arms. “Smooth, Ambrose.” I grin cheekily as she pinches my bare arm playfully.

Silence takes over as she works her fingers across my bare chest. “So,” she finally exhales. “You gonna explain that pensive look on your face last night?”

“When?”

“Before you realised I was sat next to you at the bar.” Her fingers pause. “And then later on... I said something that made you go back there.”

“It's–”

She presses a finger to my lips. “Don't do that. Don't say it's nothing. I let it slide last night because I didn't want to stop us from having a good time, but it's the morning and I wanna know what's on your mind.”

“It's stupid.”

Becca shakes her head. “Someone once told me that the trust we have isn't just about what we do in bed, but up here as well,” she taps my temple. “So trust me when I say you can tell me what you were thinking, stupid or otherwise.”

I chew my lip as she studies my face.

“Dean... You can tell me. If it's work or family or...” she swallows. “Or us?”

With my heart in my mouth I couldn't tell you what just hit me Take me to my lover's arms, I won't back down this time

I'm reminded of a time where it was me asking her the same questions, pushing her to tell me what was on her mind and fearing what the answer could possibly me and how much it killed me watching her debate whether to tell me or not. And once again, I wonder whether shielding her from the truth is the right thing to do.

“I don't want things to change,” I murmur.

Her face softens. “Why would things change?”

“I don't know.”

“Then why would you think that?”

“I told you it was stupid.”

“And I told you I would listen,” she shoots back with a raised eyebrow. “So tell me why you think things are going to change.”

“I'm selfish.”

“Why do you think that?” she asks after a brief pause.

“I just am.”

She cups my face, holding my gaze. “You are the least selfish person I've ever met. Dean.”

“What I mean is, I'm selfish when it comes to you.”

“And?”

“What if I can't stop being like that.”

“And why would you need to?” she asks gently. “I'm selfish when it comes to you too.”

“That's not what I mean...” I struggle to find the right words, the right words that aren't going to push her away, that aren't going to do what I fear the most and change everything we know. “I don't know if I'm capable of sharing you.”

She looks at me confused. “And why would you need to share me?”

“If...” I swallow hard. “If we...”

Realisation dawns on her face. “Dean...”

“See, told you it was stupid.”

“It's not,” she promises, cupping my cheek as she kisses me. Titling her head to the side, she searches my face for a second. “What made you start thinking that you were selfish?”

I chew my lip, not wanting to say that it was the photo that set me off. I don't want her to think this is her fault in any way. “I dunno,” I murmur, but she doesn't let me get away with it.

“Tell me.”

“The photo you sent me,” I exhale, closely watching her face.

“It was just a photo.”

“Yeah, I know that. But it just made me think about how that might be you and me one day.”

She smiles. “Yeah?”

“And it...” I swallow hard. “It made me realise that maybe I've been an idiot.”

“Why?”

“Because I didn't really think about what it could mean for us. All I could think about was that you wanted that with me and that...” I run a finger down her cheek. “That made me so fucking happy, Becca, that I didn't think about the reality of what it could do to us.”

“Nothing is going to happen to us, because that's not happening to us right now,” she says softly. “Sure, we both want that, but that's miles off in the future. We've got so much more to do before we get to that place.”

“I know but–”

“I am more than happy with what we have right now, Dean. I don't need anything else right now except you. I know we've spent a lot of time talking about what's in store for us, but that doesn't mean I want it all now.” She pauses. “And as for you being selfish? You need to stop thinking like that because you give me so much, you don't even realise. You make me feel safe, supported, cared for, loved. It's everything I could ever want and more.”

“But...”

“You can have me to yourself for as long as you want. And when the time's right...” she trails off, her brown eyes meeting mine. “We'll figure it out. Just like we've done all the way up to this point.”

“I'm sorry.”

“Why?”

“I promised you that I would never fuck with your head.”

“You haven't.”

But I shake my head. “I have. I should have been honest with you, I should have told you that I had the same concerns you did when we talk about our future. But instead, I got carried away.”

She kisses my cheek. “It's okay. Hey,” she cups my chin as I shake my head again, another rebuttal on my tongue. “Don't beat yourself up over this. It's okay that you got carried away, I like that you did because it made me realise that it was okay to do the same. And it's okay to have these doubts and fears, but you just gotta tell me next time. It's how we work, right?”

“Right.” I push her hair behind her ear. “You're incredible, you know that?”

“Tell me again,” she smiles as she kisses me.

“Incredible,” I mumble against her lips.

“Nothing's going to change.”

“It might.”

“It won't,” she promises. “Because I won't let it.”

She stares down at me, a determined look in her eye.

“How can you be so sure?”

“We've come this far,” she tells me with a grin. “I reckon we can go a bit further.” 

“How far?”

“As far as you want.”

“All the way?”

“All the way.”

And it's alright To know we can't go back I said it's alright To know we can't go back You know we can't go back

Fin x

[jimmys-zeppelin]

moonbeam

ch. vi

table of contents

two weeks later

may 25, 1998

The air around her was stagnant and cold. A slew of women, young and old, waited quietly. Each one occupied themselves with reading a magazine, watching the muted television intently, or talking to one another. Sabrina, on the other hand, bounced her leg incessantly and bit down at the edge of her nail, just wishing the whole process could be over and done with. 

On the television, This Morning was half covered by the captions, rendering the segment on whether or not new moms should formula-feed their babies unwatchable. The content couldn't have been shown at a more inappropriate time. 

"Sabrina Qualley?" a soft voice from across the room called. Sabrina shot up, barely able to sling her bag over her shoulder before she was headed for a near sprint to the nurse. 

Sabrina clutched her cross-body bag as she followed the nurse through the twists and turns of the Planned Parenthood clinic. 

"Come in here, we're going to just take your weight and blood pressure," the nurse, whose name tag read Veda, said. She tapped her bright pink pen at the door of the room Sabrina was to go into. 

"Even for just a meeting with Jenna?" Sabrina asked.

The nurse shrugged at her apologetically, "Formalities, dear. Everyone's got to have their vitals taken." 

Understandable.

Then the nurse flipped through her chart, "Plus it's been a bit since your last visit for your—" she squinted further at the first page of Sabrina's chart. "Procedure...so, erm. We'll have to take those vitals today," there was a beat, "How have you been since then?" 

"Normal," Sabrina shrugged. She felt the grotesque pit in her stomach sprout. This would absolutely not be the normal day she had wanted to have. 

Sabrina stepped onto the scale, unable to comprehend the number as the nurse moved the weights around until they balanced for a moment. She caught the number as the nurse scribbled it down: 12 stone. She had had her shoes on, though, so Sabrina discounted two pounds from the amount. 

"Now's the blood pressure. Just try to relax yourself. Think good thoughts." 

A field of flourishing green entered Sabrina's mind as she closed her eyes. Warm sun engulfed her and the grass coaxed her to lay down and take a nice, relaxing nap. To be thousands of miles from the gloom and doom of England would be most welcome. 

She snapped back into reality when the velcro was ripped apart. The nurse—Vanessa, was it?—removed her pink stethoscope and gave Sabrina a tight-lipped smile. "Normal." 

"Great," Sabrina replied, sounding not nearly as excited as she expected herself to sound. 

"Now," she started, taking hold of her pen and clicking it open. "Date of your last period?" 

"May 15," Sabrina replied definitively. 

"No irregularities after your procedure?" 

She shook her head. She was surprised when February 15 came along and her cycle was as on time as ever. 

"Last thing...We have your emergency contact listed as Natalie Pemberton, is that still correct?" 

"Uhm," Sabrina hesitated, "No. I'd like to change it to my brother if that's alright." There was a small pang of hurt when she said the words. 

"Okay, they can take his information at the desk when you're leaving," Veda closed Sabrina's file and stood up. "Jenna will be in shortly." 

After the door closed gently behind her, Sabrina was left in the eerie quiet of the examination room. The room was cold—as was standard for seemingly every medical practice ever—and she felt the goosebumps trail up her arms before a shiver ran through her. 

When she had been at the facility last, things were much different. Though they'd broken up on January first, Sabrina took an additional week to move out of the apartment she and Shaun had shared. In this meantime she'd gone to get rid of the lock he had tried to keep on her with a misused condom. 

Natalie had been there to pick her up afterwards and the two went back to her place in order for Sabrina to recover peacefully. 

She never felt more alone than she had in the past four months. 

The light knock at the door drew Sabrina away from her thoughts and triggered her falsified smile. Jenna came in sporting some new highlights that did not suit her. Sabrina said nothing, of course. Though she couldn't help but take notice.

"Sabrina! Glad to see you back. How've you been?" 

"Much better, Jenna. Thank you."

"That's good to hear," she flipped through Sabrina's chart, "Seems like you've put on some weight. That's also good. Weight gain is healthy and normal after all that you've gone through." 

"Yeah, I've been trying to save money so my diet's not the best at the moment..."

"That's okay. You can still get it back on track. Fruits, vegetables, lots of water...You know, the regulars of a healthy diet."

"Right," Sabrina answered. Jenna began jotting down a few notes and rifled through a few more pages. The sprouting pit in her stomach was a full-grown stem now. "I got a call—" she started. 

"Are the new address and phone number working out for you?" Jenna spoke over her inadvertently, not hearing what she had started to say. 

"Yes, very much so. Honestly the biggest problem is my mum. I still haven't told her what happened and she's desperate to get me back with my ex. She actually set up a dinner last Sunday with him to try and get us back together, but I didn't go." 

"Oh, that's not good. Do you plan to tell her anytime soon?" 

"Not really. She's just of that old-fashioned mindset and I really don't want her to have something else to nag me about." 

"And how's your relationship with your mum?" 

"It's good. I guess I seem like I harbor negative feelings about her, but I don't. Not really. She's great, I love her, but sometimes she just...knows how to get under my skin. And unfortunately there's a lot there to pick apart." 

"Got it..." she jotted down a few more words. "Have you had anyone to talk to about everything that happened? Like a friend or a psychologist? Someone who you trust."

Sabrina squirmed where she sat. None of her answers aligned with what was supposed to happen in a situation like hers; what was normal. She shook her head. "Just my brother. But with him I just sort of told him what happened. He doesn't like to talk about it so much. But he looks out for me, in a sense." 

"Is he older, younger?" 

"Younger. He's," she paused, doing the math in her head, "Twenty-one now. Twenty-two next month. His name is Zach. Zachary." 

"Sounds like a good little brother," Jenna chuckled. 

"Usually," Sabrina smiled. The stem shrank a little in size. "Forced me to go to a Radiohead concert with him in March because his girlfriend couldn't go. It was actually good, though, so I can't complain."

"Music's always a good form of therapy. A lot of people don't realize that." 

"It was pretty far from my norm. I usually listen to, like, Wham!, George Michael...I dabble in some Spice Girls," Sabrina laughed, looking away in embarrassment. 

"Never give up on the good times, as they say," Jenna replied. 

"Exactly," Sabrina said, amused. "My dad and Zach are both super into the old classics from the seventies and such—" she stopped herself. Jimmy crossed her mind then. He'd seemed to worm his way into her brain too often, creating a permanent little corner for himself in her mind. "I actually met someone—a famous musician at my job a couple months ago." 

"Really?" Jenna asked, intrigued. "Who?"

"Jimmy Page. The guy from Led Zeppelin? The guitarist...He came in to get fitted for some suits recently. Very nice guy." 

"Wow! I can't remember what he looks like, but I've certainly heard his name in the past. What was that like?" 

"To me, it was a normal client experience because I don't know him that well, but the kid who's apprenticing under me was going absolutely mental about it," Sabrina laughed again. She tried with all her might to mask any sort of attraction she might have had to Jimmy, but just talking about him sprouted an unmoving smile on her face. 

"Did you get to talk to him at all?"

"Yeah," she hesitated, "He was very flirty," her cheeks burned. 

"Oh! Rock stars always seem to live in their youth, I guess. He hasn't settled down yet?" 

Sabrina's bubble was briefly burst. Her smile fell.

"I'm not sure, actually. He told me he's got a daughter, but I don't....know anything about her," she picked a loose thread on her jeans. 

"Ah," Jenna nodded, "Well I'm glad that's something you can, erm, hold onto. It's always fun meeting new people. But, anyway, do you have any specific questions for me?"

"Yeah, uhm. I got a call—a while back. The message said you were trying to get a follow-up on how I was doing. There's nothing more I need to…do is there?" 

"Do...?"

"Like. Well, I've been doing much better since cutting off Shaun and I've slowly been detaching from all my connections to him…” Sabrina sighed, not wanting to sound insensitive, but with no way to better phrase her words. “I just want to put this all behind me.”

Jenna nodded. She seemed sympathetic. “I get it, Sabrina,” she paused for a beat and flipped through Sabrina’s chart. With a sigh, she looked back up at her. “Honestly? You seem like you’ve really progressed. Our services worked for you and everything seems to have improved significantly in terms of, you know, keeping away from the toxic environment you were in with your ex-boyfriend." 

"Thank you," Sabrina said in a hushed tone, a straight smile stuck on her face. 

"If you need anything else, please reach out to us. We're here to help you with whatever you may need. Are you in need of any kind of contraception? It would certainly help to avoid another situation like this." 

"I will," she affirmed, “And no, I’m taking a breather from any sort of sex...for the time being.”

"I'll leave my business card and some other brochures at the front desk for you. Make sure to leave your brother's name and phone number with them as well, I see Veda scribbled something here about updating contact information." 

Sabrina repeated herself and stood from the creaky examination table. "Thank you for everything, Jenna. You don't know how much I appreciate it." 

"Of course, Sabrina. It's what I'm here for. I hope everything goes well for you." 

Sabrina left the office feeling worse than she had come in. Lonely in her own world, she had isolated herself so much that she hadn't recognized the person she became in the last six months. 

After cutting off almost everyone who she had previously called a friend, Sabrina realized that she'd barely made any connections of her own at university. Stuck to Shaun's side for three of the four years, all of the people she'd made friends with were people Shaun had known for years. 

In the five months since the end of the relationship, she was making new discoveries like excavators digging up Egyptian ruins did. 

She needed a drink. 

Even better, she needed a night out. Sabrina hadn't been to a club since ending things with Shaun. She wondered if she was getting a little too old for partying. But then again, everyone needed to party once in a while. 

☽ 

The air on Sabrina's freshly shaven legs sent a chill of goosebumps up to her core. She shuddered as she and Conner waited outside of the club. In the past she'd frequented the place with Shaun and their friends. Now whenever she walked past it in the daytime, she grimaced in discomfort. And because Sabrina didn’t know of many other clubs in the general area that she enjoyed, she returned to Dreams for yet another night. Plus, she felt maybe she could reclaim the space for herself and create some good memories.

Conner, who was only a few inches taller than Sabrina on a good day, was level with her in her heels. The pink satin shoes took some getting used to again after being tossed into a closet for six months, and Sabrina's matching pink dress was another piece from the previous summer that squeezed her a little tighter than it had when she bought it. 

A short bout of pregnancy followed by penny pinching for six months changed her body more than she'd expected. Honestly, though, Sabrina's body was the last thing on her mind in the flurry of months 1998 had become.

"Sab, come on, we're next," Conner said. Her heels clicked quickly against the pavement as she was pulled along by him. Her head spun upon entering the club, the lights, colors, and sounds were oddly foreign to her in the time she'd been away from Dreams. A mass of people were crowded on the dancefloor; bumping, grinding, and probably more. Sabrina became uneasy in an instant. 

She and Conner claimed a standing table in the corner of the club, well separated from the hustle and bustle of the sweaty bodies moving along to the beat of Rhythm of the Night. 

The pounding bass thumped throughout Sabrina's entire body, the slight discomfort that came with her unmoving figure was indicative of how unaccustomed she became to clubbing. 

Sabrina nodded along to the song and watched the bright lights and lasers fly overhead and over the crowd. She could hardly remember the last time she was at Dreams. Probably sometime before Shaun's birthday in October....or was it on Shaun's birthday?

"Do you want a drink?" Conner shouted over the music. 

Her eyes refocused on his face and she nodded idly. She felt that everyone could notice how tense she was, how much this dress was not the right size anymore, and most importantly, how her arms were starting to resemble chicken breasts exposed the way they were. Not looking in the mirror one final time before leaving her flat was beginning to give Sabrina more anxiety than she thought she had avoided. 

Could everyone notice the flab of stomach poking out from her dress? Or did it just look magnified from the angle she stood at? A tightness formed at the base of Sabrina's throat and she suddenly felt the horrible need to cry. 

"I want to go home," she whispered to herself in her loneliness. For a fleeting moment, her mind touched on Jimmy. She wondered if he even attended clubs. Did he still party hard? "Rock stars always seem to live in their youth" Jenna's words echoed in her mind. Maybe he did...Probably not. 

Sabrina shook the thought of Jimmy from her mind. She tapped her foot against the cracked tile floor along to the end of Rhythm of the Night as a new song was crossfaded into the mix. Sabrina wasn't familiar with it, but it seemed to be good enough to jam to. 

Once she had a few drinks in her, Sabrina figured, she'd be able to loosen up a bit and have some fun. She came for the alcohol, after all. Getting drunk alone in her flat was becoming more sad than it was fun. 

Conner returned with their drinks, two lemon drop shots and two margaritas. Each drink was wildly different in color. 

"Right," Conner started, handing Sabrina a bright yellow shot glass. "To a good night," he held up the glass to hers.

"To a good night," Sabrina repeated, clinking glasses with Conner as the two downed the shots in a matter of seconds. With a click of their tongues, the two relished in the lemony sweet taste of the shots and nodded at each other, affirming the goodness of the shots. "We'll need another one of those later on," she said. 

"Agreed," he replied, and handed Sabrina her choice of margarita—a bright red one with a strawberry settled at the bottom of the glass. Conner's drink held a similar theme, though, bright green with a slice of lime at the bottom. 

They both sipped their margaritas.Sabrina felt the sugar and alcohol begin to course through her system. She felt better already. 

As time passed, Sabrina and Conner felt that they'd been in a vacuum, with each song playing and the alcohol in their systems increasing by the minute, the two were nearly drunk in a matter of hours. 

Sabrina touched the sweat on the nape of her neck and knew she needed to sit for a while. Taking a seat at the bar, she undid the straps on her heels, the strings coming off her calves with a slow, almost painful peel. 

"Sab," Conner said, approaching her smoothly, his hand touching her waist so as to capture her attention. The feeling sent a feeling she was not unfamiliar with through her body, but she dismissed it as fast as she could. "Gonna go for a smoke, I'll be back in a sec." 

"Alright, no worries," She replied somewhat distantly. Reaching into her miniature purse, she pulled an equally small claw clip. The hair she'd styled so carefully was now drenched in humidity and sweat. However, she knew those were the signs of a good night. 

"What can I get ya, dear?" the bartender asked, gum smacking between her teeth as she pulled a glass from a pile of ones that were on a drying rack.

"Just some water, please," Sabrina breathed, straightening out her back. She let her feet dangle on the stool, removing some of the pressure on them. She had certainly disconnected from her anxious thoughts about herself, her dress, her body, and everything in between. She was buzzed to say the least, but if she had a few more drinks, she knew she'd be able to get pissed the way she had wanted. 

Sabrina gulped down the water, catching her breath and steadying her mind in the meantime. People milled about around her, squeezing beside her to ask for a martini here, a piña colada there, another round of tequila shots elsewhere. Her eyes drooped only slightly before she heard a familiar voice a few feet away. 

"Oi, three Buds, please? Thanks." 

The sound of the voice alone made Sabrina's stomach recoil. If she wasn't careful, all the alcohol she'd consumed that night would be all over the bar top in a matter of seconds. It was Shaun. 

"Sabrina?" Another (familiar) voice exclaimed, Sabrina's eyes diverting in the direction of the voice. "Funny seeing you here, darling! How are you!" Sarah asked, approaching Sabrina around her side and hugging her with one arm around her back. As if a flip had been switched, she was suddenly aware of every atom of fat on her body and how unflattering her dress looked when seated the way she was. Sarah, of course, could never even dream of an ounce of fat on her body. Not even on her chest. 

"Sarah! Yeah, I'm alright. Just came out for a dance and a drink, you know...how have you been?" she asked, doing her best at a feigned politeness. 

"Good! Good. I'm with Shaun now—he’s here someplace," Sarah said, scoping out the place and locking eyes with Shaun where Sabrina had seen him. Sarah waved him over. "You here alone?" 

"Shaun?" Sabrina found was the only thing she could say.  

"Erm, yeah, we're—" she tried stalling the words, she was interrupted when Shaun made his way through the crowd to where she and Sarah were talking.

"Brina!" he said genteelly, grasping her shoulders forcefull the way he had always done when they were together. She hated it. "Sucks you couldn't come to dinner. 'S'alright, though, your mum said she'd reschedule for when you were available." 

"Right," Sabrina nodded, "I was actually just on my way out now. Was having a glass of water before I called a taxi." 

"Taxi's too expensive, B, come back with us, we'll split fares,” he said, patting Sarah on the arm. She gave him a smile that nearly resembled a grimace. Sabrina could only assume that having the three of them in a taxi was the last thing Sarah would have wanted. 

"No, it's—" she stammered, her heart pounding so hard she thought the embarrassment would kill her before the heart attack could. "I'm fine, Shaun." 

“I’m gonna go find Rachel,” Sarah said, a hand delicately touching Shaun’s arm as she started off. “Good to see you, Sab!” the blonde flashed a fake smile her way. 

As they both watched Sarah walk off, Shaun leaned onto the bar top with a bony, pale elbow. He attempted to force some sort of eye contact between them. "I've missed you, Brina," he said, his long, thin fingers playing at hers. Sabrina pulled her hands into her lap. 

"Mhm," Sabrina answered, only minding a glance back up at him. She tried her hardest to train her eyes onto her empty glass of water. 

"Don't tell me you haven't missed me, too?" Shaun asked, his voice low. 

"Can't say I have," she mumbled with a shake of her head. Her palms began to sweat. 

Shaun chuckled humorlessly. Sabrina felt his eyes burning into the form of her dress. Before she could beg him not to say anything, he barged through anyway. "Haven't seen this one in a minute...surprised it still fits." 

"Shaun—" 

"Three Buds, mate," the bartender interrupted, sliding three bottles over beside Shaun. 

"Alfie and Jacob are here, too, by the way," he said, collecting the bottles with a nod to the barkeep. "I know they'd love to come say hello before you go," he whispered before leaving Sabrina alone again at the bar. 

Once Sabrina was sure Shaun was gone and wouldn't be returning, she peeled her shoes off her dirty feet, carrying the heels with her to the door. After a quick look around, she saw the cloud of smoke coming from beside the club. 

"I'll be right back," Sabrina said to the bouncer, pointing to Conner where he stood taking drags of a cigarette. 

"Five minutes, love," the bouncer answered. 

Sabrina nodded, making a heady tread barefoot on the pavement. The minuscule rocks tore into her feet, but she figured it was better than walking on nearly formed blisters. 

"My ex is here," Sabrina said, throwing her heels to the ground. 

"What the fuck?" Conner answered, puffs of smoke following his every word. The stench of his cigarette would've ordinarily made her nose wrinkle up in disgust, but she instead chose to ignore it for the time being. 

"This is fucking ridiculous. Him and his little...squad," Sabrina spat. The tip of Conner's cigarette glowed when he inhaled its toxins. The smell almost didn't seem to bother her then. "Give me that." 

"You're not gonna—"

"Let me try it. See what the fucking hype is all about," Sabrina said, taking the cigarette, holding it between her fingers as if she'd been smoking forever. Monkey see, monkey do, right? 

She took a drag, letting the smoke infiltrate her airways. When the itch in her throat came about, she exhaled, coughing when the stench of the tobacco hit her senses. The taste of burnt coffee blocked her airways and she continued to cough away the taste as much as she could. "God, I hate that," she frowned.

"I told you—" Conner started, though the look Sabrina threw him stopped the statement where he left it. "You wanna go home?" he asked. 

Sabrina debated it, her heart rate having dropped since leaving the club. The smell of burnt hair was now replaced by the stench of cigarettes and whatever hung in the London air. She peered over at the bouncer, who met her eye and tapped at his watch. "Three minutes," he mouthed to her. 

"No," she said, defiant. 

"Alright. You wanna make him jealous?" Conner asked, taking a longer drag than he had taken previously. 

She almost answered no to that question as well, but something willed her not to. She hadn't wanted to make Shaun jealous. She wanted to make him angry. 

Sabrina and Conner had been able to have two more drinks before they spotted Shaun in the crowd again. If Sabrina spun her head too quickly, she'd be headed for the floor in the most embarrassing of moves. 

"That's him isn't it?" Conner asked, his lips so close to her ear that it sent a shiver up her spine. She'd never noticed him in any particular way before, but when she pursed her lips, it was as if the alcohol was pushing her to do something her sober mind would not have thought of.

She looked to her left, spotting Sarah and Shaun together, their thin bodies pressed impossibly close against one another. They danced like no one was watching. Sabrina knew her inability to do such a thing had made Shaun all the more angry in their relationship. 

Sarah held Shaun’s cheek in one hand, pulling his face to hers for a sloppy kiss. They smiled into each other, Shaun taking hold of her ass as they bopped along to the club music. 

Sabrina had nearly drawn blood when she realized how hard she'd been biting her lip. "That's him..." she answered. 

"Let's get closer, hm? So they notice us."

"I don't want them to come up to us," Sabrina said nervously. 

"They won't," Conner assured her. "I'm gonna grab your waist, alright?" 

Sabrina nodded, preparing her nerves for impact as Conner gently took her waist into his grasp. She tried to steady herself, relax herself, but she couldn't keep her eyes from watching each and every move Shaun and Sarah made. 

Sorry if I'm too soft, she wanted to apologize. She couldn't stop thinking about the way she looked, the way she felt, the way other men thought of her. Did other men think of her as their type? Did Jimmy—?

"Hey," Conner interrupted her bitter monologue. His voice was as soft as the plushest blanket she'd ever felt. When her eyes met his, her nervousness melted away. He wiped the tear that had nearly fallen from her eye. "It'll be alright. Just trust me." 

She nodded, taking hold of him as if it was second nature. Sabrina diverted her thoughts, allowing her and Conner's bodies to sway in joint, fluid motions, ignoring the world around them as much as they could. 

Conner's hands moved up from her waist, his fingers touching at her cheek when Sabrina's eyes began to wander to her ex-boyfriend. Finally, Shaun had caught their gaze. Conner guided her cheek so she was facing him, and in one swift motion he planted his lips onto hers. The alcohol and taste of their mouths melded into one, Sabrina's lip gloss smudging in that very moment. 

Lips parted, hot breaths met, and hands wandered. For once in much too long, she felt the comfortable twist in the pit of her stomach that forced her hips a hint closer to Conner's. Drunken minds took over for a brief moment, and before their tongues could meet, Sabrina could think of nothing more than Shaun's penetrating stare into their conjoined mouths and compressed bodies. 

She became uncomfortable in an instant. 

When they parted, Sabrina wiped at the edge of her mouth with her thumb. Her cheeks burned and Conner's hands returned to her waist where they belonged for the time being. 

"Too much?" Conner asked. 

"No, fine," she said with a shake of her head. "I think I'm ready to go. I got what I wanted." 

She got what she wanted, yet she wondered why she felt like shit for doing it.

Sabrina and Conner were scarcely out of the club when Conner was pulled back by an anonymous hand. 

"What the bleeding hell was that?" Shaun shouted, staring down Conner, then shifting his gaze to Sabrina, who was unsure of how to meet his glare. 

"She's not your girlfriend anymore, mate. You missed your chance," Conner answered. 

"In front of me, B? Are you fucking serious?" Shaun asked, looking past Conner once again to try and find a crack in Sabrina's exterior. Her soft shell was always easiest to get through to in a tense moment. 

"Don't talk to her," Conner said. Sabrina averted her eyes, looking behind Shaun to see Sarah hurriedly approaching behind him. 

"What are you, her fucking bodyguard? She can answer for herself. Right Sabrina?" Conner asked. 

"Shaun, stop it!" Sarah screamed, "Leave them alone!" 

Everything following then had been a blur to Sabrina. Her anxiety took over, rendering her silent for the better part of half an hour. This was particularly bad considering she was drunk, too. Conner had ushered them into a taxi once they'd left the club, figuring that after the night Sabrina had had, it would be far better than tubing back home. 

☽

"Sorry I kissed you," Sabrina mumbled as she stuck her key upside down into the lock. She corrected her error, blinking away the blur from her vision in the meantime. 

"Sorry?" Conner replied, not hearing her. 

"Sorry for causing a scene," she said instead. She didn't want to fully apologize for the kiss. She hadn't known if it was her who had commenced it or if Conner had, and she didn't want to offend him if that was the case. 

"You didn't," he said, surprised. "It's not your fault, you know?" 

They trekked up the stairs, shoes echoing on the walls of the bare stairway. Sabrina got her flat key ready. Since Conner lived outside of London—a city Sabrina couldn’t remember the name of—she let him crash at her flat after leaving the club.

She didn't answer him, her mind was too muddled for her to be able to form a whole response. Instead, she let out what sounded like an irritated sigh. 

"What are you thinking, Sab?" he asked.

The answer stewed in her mind for a moment longer than she would've liked. But she wanted to keep from giving Conner a disingenuous response. Her keys jingled in the key bowl beside the door and Sabrina peeled her heels off her calves for the second time, the dirt and sweat addled soles of her feet made balancing on the slippery wood floors a difficult task. With one foot on the rug in front of the sofa for leverage, Sabrina flopped onto the sofa with a sigh. 

"I made him mad. But at what cost? I don't feel any better," she said, finally looking up at Conner. 

He pulled his jumper off, tossing it idly onto the spot beside Sabrina on the sofa. "Well I don't think he would've hit you. Especially not in a public place."

"He could've gone after you," Sabrina said regrettably. She had wanted to get out of the sausage skin that her dress had become, but the comfort of the sofa overpowered her urge to undress. 

Her eyes met his again when he didn't respond right away. There was a look in Conner's eye that Sabrina couldn't quite make out. 

"Sabrina..." Conner started, "You're too good for this world," he chuckled. 

"Then why does everyone keep screwing me over?" She teased with an indignant laugh. 

"You're someone's dream girl, Sab," Conner trailed off, his eyes falling down to where her hand steadied her body on the brown suede sofa. His hand touched her wrist softly, the warmth was polarizing against her cool skin. 

Sabrina was more than familiar with the tone in his voice, having heard it many times from others in the moments before a kiss. Inside her, something went rotten and she felt like slinking away from Conner. Her inner instincts warned her otherwise, but her thoughts said otherwise. What if he was the one she belonged with? What if this was their first night into forever? She scarcely wanted to pass on the chance. 

But Sabrina quickly realized when Conner leaned in further that he wasn't her forever. Then, he was too quick for her to pull back. Conner kissed Sabrina with a more urgent force, like he had been ramping up to it all night, hungry for more after their first kiss on the dance floor. 

Sabrina squeaked in shock when his tongue found its way into her mouth, but she figured Conner must have mistaken it for a sound of confidence, as he placed his hand on her cheek and pulled her in tighter to his lips. Her heart began to race. In the kiss, she found that she was lost, unsure of what to do. So she sat still, waiting for Conner to decide he'd had his fill of her. 

He took in a breath, pursing his lips inward, "Was that alright?" he asked. 

With a swallow, Sabrina nodded insistently. "Great," she said softly, of course a lie. She could feel his alcohol and cigarette-ridden saliva drying on her lips. She remembered there was a lip scrub in her bathroom cabinet...

"You want to keep going?" He asked, his hand gentle, yet firm on her thigh. Her body gave her mixed signals: brain saying to stop, body begging to continue. It was so long since she'd last been touched. 

"Sure," Sabrina replied with a nod, ignoring her brain for the time being. It had been so long since she had gotten this sort of attention. From anyone. She didn’t want to say no.

Conner's palm on her thigh was clammy, and she could feel her skin dampening in his touch. Sabrina ignored all this, relishing in the feeling of being given positive reinforcement. Now her heart beat faster, but she began to feel more comfortable with Conner. The damp of his hands was starting to become more of a desirable feeling. 

It was then that Sabrina knew she'd jumped off the deep end. 

☽

The late May air was colder than she had anticipated it to be the next morning. Despite having gone out the night before, the air felt different. Sabrina felt different. 

She rubbed her tired, bare face and regretted it in an instant. Sabrina had touched all manner of dirty railings and doors on the tube ride over to Notting Hill Gate. She groaned and made the right turn into Boots. 

The smell of Conner's cologne was stuck on her cardigan. He wound up sleeping on the sofa, his head resting on her cardigan which had lay haphazardly on the sofa’s arm. She didn't know whether to wash it or chuck the sweater in the garbage. Any thought that deferred her mind from the previous night was welcome. While Sabrina stopped Conner before they’d wind up having any sort of intimacy past kissing on her sofa, the less she thought about it, the better. 

Over the course of the train ride to Boots, she had repeated her shopping list over and over in her mind. She knew she had forgotten something, since she'd left her shopping list in her flat, but acetone, shaving cream, and razors were a must for this trip. Sabrina was content enough with that. 

This Boots branch was one Sabrina already memorized like the back of her hand, and she grabbed the green acetone bottle from the nail polish section before making a beeline for the hair removal section. 

Sabrina looked closely at the razor options before her. Why did there need to be so many options, she asked herself. She reached for a pack of Venus razors, fifteen three-blade razors went for £5. Surely there was a better option. Sabrina searched for a five-blade. 

Finally, tucked in the back of a pile of three-blades, Sabrina pulled the package of ten five-blade razors. There was no price, of course, so she knew she'd be surprised at the till when she was ready to pay. She shook the thought away, reaching for the distinct pink can of Skintimate shaving cream she'd been buying for the last ten years, and cutting through the back-end of the store to avoid any extra foot traffic. 

Sabrina was usually this quick at Boots, leaving a minute or two for her to speculate what it was from her list that she had been missing. She stood in the middle of the store as people walked around her, oblivious to her presence. 

In a move of hesitance, she took a step towards Hair Care. There were only two people in the makeshift aisle. One man dressed head to toe in black, the other, an elderly woman. She paid little mind to either of them as she perused the shampoos. 

Pantene, Garnier, Herbal Essences....she wasn't sure which one looked best. She plucked the Pantene off the shelf and took a whiff of the Peachy scent. It was certainly undeniable. Sabrina took one off the shelf and tossed it into her basket. Shampoo and conditioner weren't exactly what she had been looking for, but—

"Sabrina?" a gentle voice asked; nasally. The black clothed man. 

Sabrina turned, losing grip of the conditioner bottle in shock when she saw who had just identified her. "Jimmy." It was like his name was a button she could press in order to kick-start her heart. Her cheeks flushed and her ears grew fiery hot. 

A smile spread across his face, the dimples in his cheeks turning into a multilayered smile. He leant over, reaching for the conditioner on the floor and placed it into Sabrina's basket. Then a whiff of something good and intoxicating lingered in her nose. "Don't look so happy to see me," he teased with a smirk. The five o'clock shadow on his chin made her draw in an extra breath of stability. Fuck he smelled delicious. 

"I—" Sabrina stammered. Her brain was empty. "How are you? How was America?"

His curls were tousled, cheeks and eyes puffy, indicative of a good night's rest. It was as if he tumbled out of bed and still managed to look entirely put together. Unlike Sabrina. Try as she might, the one back strand of her hair was still frizzed out beyond belief, there was a stain on her sweater she hadn't known the origin of, and her socks were mismatched. 

"I've been—It was good, great. Heat was miserable. Erm," Jimmy surveyed her face and body language, "Everything alright? You look..." he couldn't find the words. 

"Not really, no. Long night. Strange night." Sabrina couldn't help but be honest. The elderly woman beside them took notice of Jimmy in the moment. Sabrina had seen her walk over and take a peek. Jimmy was none the wiser. 

He nodded in understanding, "Happens to the best of us," he paused, "Listen, uh, sorry about calling you." Sabrina furrowed her eyebrows. "About two weeks ago," he continued. 

"Oh! Gosh, I nearly forgot," her heart sank to her stomach, "I figured it was a mistake or something. That you didn't mean to call..."

"Erm, no. Not really. But it's fine, I got everything settled." 

Sabrina took a half step back. Cardiac arrest was around the corner but she played it off expertly. "Oh?" 

"Just a little accident with one of the suits. A stitch caught on my nail and—pshh, it's so stupid. I'm sorry for bothering you on a Friday night."

“Did you manage to get it fixed?” Sabrina asked earnestly. She began to mentally arrange plans for him to take the suit back to the store so she could manage a quick fix for him, but he stopped her just as she began to imagine them back in the fitting area, close as could be. She nearly shuddered at the thought. Good or bad, she couldn’t tell.

“Yeah, I found an emergency sewing kit and, uh, I patched it up myself.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, I had mishaps all the time back in the Led Zeppelin days. I didn’t think, I just called before even rationalizing…Sorry.” 

“No, no, I’m sorry!” Sabrina insisted, “I was having dinner with my family in Brent Cross, so I was just really…” she sighed, watching the way the look in his eye changed, “I don’t know. It would've been a welcome distraction.” 

“Right,” Jimmy chuckled, his cheeks widening with his smile. All Sabrina could think about was grabbing his cheeks like her gran always pinched hers as a child. Disgusted, she shook the thought from her mind. “Well, even if you did answer, I don’t think you could’ve helped me all the way in Brent Cross.” 

“Yeah, unfortunately not. But for your next fashion emergency, I hope I won’t be too far away.”

“I’ll just have to hire you to take care of my clothing mishaps, then. Have you on-call 24/7,” Jimmy teased. Sabrina’s heart beat a little faster in her chest. 

“Double my pay at Clarence’s or nothing,” she teased back with a giggle. A giggle? She was only slightly mortified at her response. 

“Done.”

She could no longer tell whether or not he was joking. Another customer walked past the two, eyeing Jimmy wildly like he’d just seen the Queen or something. Jimmy took no notice, but Sabrina saw the way the man watched her; predatory, almost jealous that she—a lowly woman was talking to thee Jimmy Page of Led Zeppelin fame. The second her eyes met his, the man averted his gaze, paying much closer attention to the purple box dye beside him than to Jimmy and Sabrina. Or so she hoped.

“What?” she blurted out.

“I’d hire you to come work for me. Triple pay," he nearly shrugged. 

“Now you’re pulling my leg,” Sabrina rolled her eyes.

“I’ve got the money, Sab. Don’t doubt how serious I can be,” Jimmy smirked. It was the sort of shit-eating smirk he gave when he knew he could win her over; when he hoped his far reaches would be taken as something more. Sabrina’s palms began to sweat. “Plus, I could take you on tour with me. I bet you’d be fun on tour.”

“Yeah, alright. Talk to my boss about it, I’m sure he’d be thrilled to have his best employee whisked off by a rock star.” She hoped she sounded like she had been deterring him rather than egging him on. 

A third man shuffled by. His quick glance up at Jimmy stopped him in his tracks. Sabrina could tell the man was starstruck. Jesus, how recognizable is he? she wondered to herself. Again, Jimmy took no notice. He seemed to only have eyes for her. Now her mouth felt like someone had stuffed ten cotton balls into it. While she wanted to stay stuck bantering with Jimmy, she felt a bigger urge to run away from the Boots’ customers' prying eyes. 

“Excuse me,” the third man interjected. “Jimmy?”

Snapped out of his and Sabrina’s playful trance, Jimmy blinked and the joyful demeanor was replaced by a false one, “Yeah, that’s me.”

“Aw man. Been a huge fan since I was a kid. Would you mind signing something for me?”

Uncomfortable watching the interaction take place, Sabrina made brief eye contact with Jimmy once again, telling him through her expression that she’d be going. Without waiting for a nod or response of disagreement, she rushed to the till. 

The sweat on her palms transferred onto the shampoo and conditioner bottles that she hadn’t planned on picking up. She took in a deep breath, Jimmy’s cologne remaining in her nostrils for one final inhale, distracting from the heady smell left on her cardigan from the night before. She was glad to have stopped to pick out some extra hair products. 

--

a special thank you to @jonesyjonesyjonesy for beta reading this (esp while she's on vacation!!)

masterlist | playlist

taglist: @knotnatural @jonesyjonesyjonesy @paginate54 @hejustsatisfiess @salixfragilis @rosyfingereddawnn @reincarnated70sbaby @rebel-without-a-zeppelin @kyunisixx @blackberryblossom @jimmypages @foreverandadaydarling @lzep @n0quart3r @verrbena-in-the-air @groovyysav @mystify1222 if you want to be added to the list let me know!

[lovebigthings]

This is going to be a decently long one. I just have to get something out/ask for insight. This involves a real life friend of mine that I was so sure had his toes in the gainer life, at least in some way. I'll break it down in mostly point form.

This started last year. I was around 150lbs at 5’7. Pretty small, I have a natural wide/barrel build but can't really be confused for chubby, especially at this point. He would always call me chubby, and assume I was bigger/heavier than I was. It wasn't until we went shopping together that he saw I was actually wearing 28 waist jeans and small/XS shirts.

This progressed slightly when I became a regular at the gym and bulked up, again, couldn't really be confused with fat at this stage. The comments increased, including little gestures like him puffing up his cheeks and pretending to have a belly pushed out into his lap. 

He then started showing pictures of his brother who did go on a very chubby dirty bulk. He seemed to be fascinated with it. This inspired him to go on his own bulk. He's a short guy as well, and his goal was 200lbs. This is pretty big for someone just pushing 5’8. He also didn't go to the gym so it was interesting he was talking about this bulk. I watched his eating increase a lot and he did put, what I'd guess was 20-25lbs, on over a few months. He carried it well.

We both ended up having to move back to our respective homes. But we stay in regular contact. Mostly via text or Snapchat. Over those conversations it was been brought up many times. But both he or myself. Pictures exchanged, in a platonic way, where it was clear that he was putting on weight. Or that I had bulked up. Comments exchanged, compliments. All to do with how big or chubby. 

I remember one time telling him about seeing a guy that looked like him, if he was fat. A good 50lbs bigger than him. He responded with ‘damn, goals’. 

He specifically saved a few pictures of me where I was looking particularly chubby. Angles and all that. 

I went to visit him and some friends this winter. Whilst there when it was just us we were looking at pictures from our hike and he said things like ‘damn, I look big…like chubby’ to which I would reply with ‘okay big girl’. 

On Instagram, he's not super active, but I will send him memes and reels. I will often send him food related ones, food motivation ones, or ones of just chubby dudes and dudes on a bulk and say ‘goals’ or ‘inspo for you’ and he'd reply with ‘damn, he's big’ and like them.

I'm sure there's many many other instances I'm forgetting and leaving out but I don't want this to get too long. We've been buddies for a while. But this sort of came to a halt last night. This friend is straight, I respect that. He's a friend, regardless of if I find him attractive or not, we all have boundaries and I appreciate his. The most it would get would be innocently flirtatious, as boys do. 

So last night I took a screenshot of a comment I left on a popular Instagram account. The user is a fitfluencer who had gotten quite fat on a bulk, and uses the same bulk pictures and videos for his progress often. It was captioned with ‘i took the bulk too far’ to which I replied cheekily with ‘not too far enough’. This comment has received over 4000 likes. I was showing it to my buddy to be like ‘ayy people love em chubby’. 

He asked if that was my goals and I said ‘maybe. But I do find this dude -insert other picture of a very handsome chunky young bear type- looks awesome, but I don't know if I could pull it off. 

He replied ‘damn he's fat af’. I asked ‘is that a bad thing?’ and he said ‘lol depends on your view ig’. 

I said ‘i just think having a belly would be fun. What about you, what's your goals?’ to which he replied ‘to be fit, dadbods ain't for me. At least not yet.’

I said ‘rip the chonky bulk, whatever makes you happy. I thought that was your path.’

He said ‘to get fat? 😂’

I said ‘yeah you've mentioned it before’

And he hit me with ‘that was more of a joke’. 

It went on a bit where I backpeddled and mentioned that I must have misunderstood and stuff. 

But now I'm left feeling a little dumbfounded, stupid, and honestly a tiny bit betrayed in a way because I'm not an idiot. There were certainly signs many times that it was more than a joke. I'm gunna let it cool off and not mention it or talk about it for a while.

But am I just stupid? Like am I overthinking this situation?

[she-ismysun]

The Rookie 6x06 Live Blog Thread

Obvious spoilers ahead 🫡💫

I can't . for your own good. LMAO Angela !! First off, why is tim just leaving his car unlocked. Second, how long has he been in his car?? I didn't strike tim as a man to leave that many wrappers in the front seat of his car

"If I get fired.. I start living off my husband's trust fund :D" i love you angela

Oh boy. RIP Nolan, getting turned left and right with disaster. Unsolved murder, escaped convict, BAILEY WANTING A KID

I do really enjoy ad breaks for live Television. it gives me a minute to breathe and process and pee LMAO

Really? You're gonna walk away from your job, your relationship with Lucy.. angela's saying what we're all thinking. She's the realest.

*reminder to look for that Tim gif

"This is very annoying" [angela look]

PFFFF "I'm a grown man, I don't have a bff"

why confess to the murder by lie about the method indeed...

anyone else think this mom and daughter look wayy too close in age to be mom and daughter? No shade to teen moms, she just looks so super young and good for a mom

CUNTY? WHY HE COME OUT THE CAR LIKE THAT?? A good ol twirl and all. Slayful

oh yeah. timothy "the reaper" bradford

ok what the hell is the tea. it can't have just been lying on a report says Angela.

"I put my career above my oath" 💔

OAHDLK NOT THE "expecting mommy" book. Bailey, this is the whole reason he didn't continue dating Jessica (well there was more but he didn't want more kids!) "The longer you let me have hope, the more painful it'll be"

welcome back lucy. its been the whole half episode HEUHFDLJAKS WHAT THE FUCK. RAY? GE THT EFUCK AWAY FROM HERE. YOU CANT JUST COME IN

the way my heart just dropped. chat i am NOT ok

"YOU HAVE TO TELL ME WHATS GOING ON RIGHT NOW. NOW!!!! STOP TRYING TO PROTECT ME!"

I am DONE being the good girlfriend! You don't have to tell me everything but you HAVE to let me in *cue ad break*

PHEWWW. Nyla and Aaron are always beefing bro. I mean fair! Fair maiming from Nyla but whew.

I'm so used to watching on Hulu and being back to rewind every 5 seconds because i Didn't catch everything. lmao nice moves Nolan with da soap

also i desperately need captions and there are *none* rewatching tomorrow in class <3

oh what the fish. my stream FROZE . AND i got spoilers for Greys 😭

OH HELLO???? IA INVESTIGATION. Timothy?!?! why the HELL are you lying?! to IA!!! and how the hell is this going to come back to bite him in the ass. Tim *knowingly* falsified reports. Lying through his damn teeth. Not something I wa slooking forward to or expecting.

NYLA PRETENDING TO NOT KNOW HOW TO SHOOT A GUN IS SO FUCKING FUNNY.

so IA investigation closes without a hitch. No one gets in trouble. Not Tim. Not Angela. Not Lucy.

OU. THE HUG. THERE WAS SO MUCH HURT IN THAT. QUICK. -

UM SO. i quickly had to abandon this thread beacuse I couldn't even enjoy a chenford comfort hug. because it wasn't that. TIMOTHY BRADFORD. WHAT IS HAPPENING

[eijirouwus]

Bro,,,We Are Teens

[coquelicoq]

how much you wanna bet lan wangji’s first act as chief cultivator was commissioning the gusu chamber of commerce to make some incredibly targeted cloud recesses tourism posters??

[gotta-pet-em-all]

You know what? I don't need to lift a finger to rip you to shreds. You've just given me all the ammunition I need to shoot your argument down.

Someone who so carelessly flings threats of violence should be prepared to face the consequences.

Oh, I am! Don't mistake me for someone who doesn't know the weight of my own words, because I will stand behind them and fight. I noticed you mention violence twice in your first paragraph; first you say that I should be prepared to face consequences for my violent words, then you say inciting violence [implicitly: my actions] will only bring violence to one's door. I notice you never threaten direct retribution, but rather, imply that I am at fault here and some fundamental, divine force of karma will do so.

Gotta love that use of passive voice! /s

I’m a firm believer that people who misbehave must be punished according to their misbehaviour.

Oh hey, kudos for gender neutral they/them! Here's another bit of ideology that bothers me: this whole crime-and-punishment mindset. Fundamentally, it stems from the idea that humans are inherently broken/evil (see: earlier statement about how all humans are abusive towards pokemon) and need punishment to keep them in line. That, in essence, goodness and altruism do not exist in the world, and only the fear of punishment can create a "just" society.

This is bullshit for several reasons, and in my experience, punishment is usually just another form of abuse that perpetuates a cycle of violence. Consequences are acceptable in moderation, but punishment breeds resentment rather than understanding.

Each person has value in this world[;] everyone can be useful to some degree.

[image id: a young man with dark skin in a Unovan football uniform stands with a reporter's microphone pointed at him. The football field can be seen in the background; it is currently empty. The image is captioned, "They had us in the first half, not gonna lie." End id]

Damn, you were this close to making a good point! And there's the capitalist influence in your ideology; that someone's inherent value as a person is directly tied to how useful they can be to others. Haven't you studied history? Why don't you sit down and look up the ten year old girl from the pre-hisuian era who couldn't walk or clean herself, based on her abnormal bone structure. Read about her teeth, will you? Sugar was rare back then. Living past childbirth was rare. But this little girl, who had no use to her society, was cared for and loved. They fed her sweets, so many sweets that her teeth had cavities.

Why don't you read about her, and maybe then you'll calm down. There is love and whimsy in the world you stupid motherfucker.

However[,] I believe that people should not accept a disability as something that limits them, and never use it as an excuse to why they cannot live to their full potential. A disability does not make anyone special or unique[;] they should be expected to act in society and participate in activities the same as anyone else.

[image id: a cropped image of the oxford online dictionary entry for the word "disability." It is a noun, and defined in the image as "a physical or mental condition that limits a person's movements, senses, or activities." End id.]

Sir. I really don't think you're qualified to talk about disability if you don't even know the fundamentals of what it is.

Take myself as an example of what can be achieved.

On behalf of the disabled community? Shut the fuck up. You have internalized ableism and you're projecting your vitriolic self-loathing as a disabled person onto others. You don't speak for all of us.

Some of us wish for a cure. Some of us don't. Some of us have complicated feelings on the matter. Some of us just want to be taken seriously. Some of us need full time care. Some of us only consider ourselves disabled under the social model of disability. Some of us don't really think about it much, because they only fall under the medical model. Dist, some of us self-identify as cripples.

A lot of us consider ourselves to be fundamentally different from Abled folks. Too many of us have been told we're not living up to our "full potential" when that potential exists only in the imaginations of the teachers and parents and mentors who have pushed us to burnout.

Your naive assumptions and accusations mean nothing, you have no worth toward Team Plasma’s goal. Be quiet from now on.

And the thrilling conclusion! Let's do some pattern recognition, shall we? Here, you call me naive; in the first paragraph, you addressed me as "child." Oh, and let's not forget about the tags!

[image id: tags reading "think before you act. you foolish child." end id]

Infantilization of your opponent in order to call into question the legitimacy of their argument; always a classic! Oh, and I am ex-Plasma. So, these assumptions and accusations of mine? Far from being baseless, I would even call them extremely based.

Then we have you telling me that I have no worth towards your goal-- cool cool, so you're calling me worthless. Nothing new there, capitalist standards of labor and the commodification of the human body, et cetera, et cetera.

You want me to be quiet? Make me. Break my jaw, and I'll just roast you with an AAC tablet.

Trainers of Rotomblr, and hence, the world! Listen to the cries of your Pokémon! They do not belong imprisoned in pokéballs, but free and thriving, separate from the labor humans force upon them! Hear me, and free your Pokémon!

[fivepointpalettes]

Pallets like this v

With long names and such!

My sincerest apologies for how long it took to compile this list. I tried to pick out the ones which were either significantly longer, or were... particular, one way or another, for lack of a better word. I tried to avoid song lyrics and such, but with some of them I couldn't help myself. 

Hope you find these sufficient! 

Looking through my older posts, this type of longer caption was a relatively recent development, but I nonetheless tried to pick ones that might work for you! I originally tried to sort them by topic, but there were so many... you can probably guess the point at which I have given up. I’m sorry. There were just so many. 

Sorry I didn’t Realize People Like You Have Feelings 

She Was A Girl He Was A Traffic Cone 

You Must Have Real Self Confidence Mortal To Attempt Flirting With Something All Holy 

Just Friends But We Kiss Sometimes 

Let Your Tender Hands Rip Me Apart 

Let Me Be Your Unreliable Narrator, Baby! 

Focus On Me (Ignore The Blood) 

I See You Everywhere See You Everywhere See You Everywhere 

Prove That You Love Me And Reanimate Me 

Stand Still As The Darkness Grows Roots In Your Mind 

The Lack Of Self Esteem I’ve Felt Since I Learned How To Read Or Write 

Not Great With People But Pretty Good With Milk 

Lost In Your Eyes Never To Be Found 

I Saw The End Of The World In Your Eyes 

I Touch You And My Hands Burn My Hands Burn My Hands Burn (What Have You Done) 

What Are You Doing In My House / Now Now I Don’t Usually Make It A Habit To - Stop Yelling - Break Into People’s Homes But As You Can See Sometimes I Do 

Well First Of All I Am Positive What You Did Is A Criminal Offense / And Second Of All Why Didn’t You Invite Me 

Once Again I Am Forced To Ask What In The World Did You Bring Into Our Home / What Do You Mean What Did I Bring It’s Very Clearly A Radioactive Waste Barrel Don’t Pretend You Don’t Know That 

What’s A Little Murder Between Friends 

Hey Quick Question Are We Really About To Commit Arson? 

Does This Taste Expired To You Too? 

It’s Even Smaller On The Inside If You Can Believe That 

Only One Thing In This Room Is Edible And Good Luck Figuring Out Which One It Is 

Your House Has No Anomalies But I’m Reporting You For Bad Taste In Art 

I Think I Know What A Rat Looks Like 

How Many Rains Will It Take Before The Ceiling Starts Leaking 

I’m Sorry I Chewed Through Your Walls But You Must Understand I’m Calcium Deficient 

Please Be Mindful Of The Evil Yoghurt Demon In The Freezer 

Who Put Strawberries In The Bathtub 

Who Put Strawberries In The Bathtub Again 

This Is The Third Time Someone Put Strawberries In The Bathtub Who Keeps Doing This Please Stop 

Of All The Things You Could Be Doing Why Are You Romancing Soda Cans 

Soda Cans Are Great I Love Accidentally Spilling Liquid On Myself 

It’s Not A Good Cake But It’s Not A Bad Cake Either (As Still It Is Cake) 

Scallops Reside Where My Brain Should Be 

Date A Girl Who’s Secretly A 20 Meter Long Man-Eating Centipede 

Being In Love And How It Sucks Sometimes 

Wish We Could Go Out For Coffee But You Hate Me And I Hate Coffee 

Do You Remember When You Told Me That You Love Me When You Told Me That You Love Me When You Told Me That You 

I Loved You I Did So How Did We End Up Like This 

This Will Hurt You More Than It’ll Hurt Me - And That’s Okay! 

I Need You To Understand That I Really Do Want What’s Best For You - And That Simply Isn’t Me 

Father I Do Not Wish To Consume The Cough Syrup 

The Doctor Tried To Check My Heartbeat Only To Find Out I Don’t Have One 

American Girls Scare Me 

I’m Always At Least A Little Bit Scared Hopeless And Frustrated 

The Annoying Whisper In The Back Of Your Head 

The Shadow Out The Corner Of Your Eye 

Can You Help Me Find What’s Wrong With Me 

Too Old To Die Young And Too Young To Just Die 

Plunge Head-First Into A Worldwide Panic Attack 

Unexplainable Excruciating Pain That Started Suddenly And Will Never Go Away 

Wasting Your Life Feeling Like An Underperforming Tool In Someone Else’s Hands 

An Unhealthy Relationship With One’s Own Identity 

Men Like Us Aren’t Supposed To Feel These Things 

Men Like Us Die Alone Because We Think We Deserve It 

My Body Is A Craft Store 

My Lungs Are Full Of Ink 

The Tall Faceless Lad Out The Corner Of My Eye Who Watches Me Sleep While Pointing At The Door 

Peeling An Apple Just To Eat The Skin 

Biting Into A Rubber Ball Like An Apple While Maintaining Full Eye Contact 

For Sale A Set Of Gold Teeth Never Used 

I’m Just A Normal Functioning Member Of The Human Race And There Is No Way Anyone Can Prove Otherwise 

Visual Representation Of The Sound A Rainbow Makes 

The Man Whose Hands Are Always Covered In Melted Butter 

The Girl In A Blue Dress That Lives In Every Village Ever 

The Boy With A Mouthful Of Chalk 

I’m A Weirdo Who Likes To Eat Chalk 

The Magical Princess’s Strawberry-Scented Battle Axe Of Infinite Bloodshed 

Although You Are Yeay Smsll And Your Kind Have Existed In The Universe For Only A Shore Tihe You Are An Inportant Part Of Sohething Yery Large And Very Bcavtiful 

A Friend Is Someone Who Belieuse In Gon Euen When Gon'ue Ceased To Belieue In Gonrseif 

How To Completely Disapp8ar Be Found And Never 

Your Smile Toasty As Yarm As Spiver 

My Face When Face When My F When Facle The Fwhen Thface Mey Face Face When My 

The Breathing Part Of Who Knew By The Correspondents 

Can You Imagine If Los Angeles Was A Real City 

Tower Cranes Are My Favourite Animal 

When I Was A Small Child I Held An Iguana Once 

Ed Sheeran Is My Enemy He Looks Like A Hot Dog 

I Hate Citations Why Can’t You Just Trust Me 

A Classmate Of Mine Once Borrowed One Of My Pens And Then Decided It Was Such A Good Pen He’s Just Gonna Keep It 

Sconce Doesn’t Sound Like A Word To Me But It Is One 

Spells Mom With An O To Confuse People Trying To Guess My Nationality 

The Parasocial Relationship I Have Formed With The Duolingo Cast 

Sorry That Your Rant About How The Game I Like Ruined The Whole Series Forever Didn’t Make Me Like It Any Less 

For The Longest Time I Was Convinced That Pocky Was A Wooden Stick Covered In Chocolate And People Were Eating It Purely For The Anime Aesthetic 

My Girlfriend Said I Eat Corn Weird Which Now That I Think About It Would Explain Why I’m Consistently Covered In Butter 

Wishing To Rant About Fanfiction But Not Wanting To Show How Much Of A Nerd You Secretely Are 

The Eye Lips Eye Emoji Face Fills Me With Unbridled Rage 

When I Was A Child I Was Afraid Of Eating Mars Bars / Because I Thought They Had Fish Food In Them 

The Frankly Terrifying Clip Art I Found When I Googled Champignons 

Doctors Say You Need A Consistent Amount Of Sleep To Be Healthy So I Consistently Sleep For 4 Hours A Night 

Whether You Qualify As A Beach Or Not Depends On The Amount Of Sand You Have Consumed In A Lifetime 

Only The Floor Candy Can Sustain Me 

I Am Irrationally Afraid Of Paper And Plastic 

Tainted Love But The Clapping Is Replaced With The Law & Order Sound Effect 

Softer Cleaner And Fresher Clothes For The Low Cost Of Your Firstborn Child 

What Will It Take For You To Give Up Your Humanity And Become One With The Night 

The Price Of Wisdom Is Bad Grammar 

The Eternal Dance Set To The Sweet Melody Of My Out-Of-Tune Guitar 

Been Hiding From Myself Since The Last Time I Died 

Don’t Aspire To Be Average You Can Go So Much Lower 

My Heart Was Stolen By A Blue-Haired Angel With Piercing Eyes And A Penchant For Singing 

Lonely Sewer Cryptid Looking For Love 

With All Due Respect Sir This Is A Plum 

You Call It Birth I Call It Escapism 

Falling In Reverse Just Means Getting Up 

The Privilege Of Being Born Somebody Else 

The Act Of Balancing A Bottle Of Juice On Your Head 

My Favourite Ride In The Theme Park Is A Bench 

They Stole My Blood Today 

Me And My Lungs Love You 

On The Outside I May Look Like A Regular Man But On The Inside I’m A Japanese Spider Crab 

My Head Is Full Of Froyo 

Seychelles Flag But The Colours Are Out Of Order And Now Also Inverted 

Slam-Dunking A Toaster 

Chugging A Bottle Of Body Wash 

Grandma Stop Touching The Stove \ No Need To Confirm It’s Not On 

I Found God Inside An Apple Core 

Some Days I’m Afraid I Will Cut My Eyes By The Sight Of Glass Shards 

Look At Her Go Biting Everyone Who Comes Near Her Like A Champ 

I Apologize If You Found Finding This Place Difficult But You Must Understand I Am Currently Evading Detection And Arrest For Crimes Undisclosed 

God’s Gift To Women (Promptly Returned) 

Getting Hunted For Sport With Your Good Friend Bates 

So Good At Sleeping I Could Do It With My Eyes Closed 

Your Teeth (Hand Them Over) 

An Overemotional State Projected Upon The Unsuspecting Public 

What If You Could Glow In The Dark 

You’re As Beautiful As The Light Reflecting Off The Teeth Of The Moon 

Why Are You Sleeping In The Algae Pond 

Write Your Love In The Blood Coursing Through My Veins 

Please Relieve Me Of The Dreams Plaguing My Every Waking Moment 

And If You Thought It Was A Threat It Might Have Been 

Find Yourself In The Patterns On The Wall 

The Horrifying Ordeal Of Having Loud Neighbours 

Putting On A Show To Seem Alive / When I Don’t Feel Alive 

Time Has Stopped Passing A Long Time Ago 

Once Again A Cold Rainy Winter Gives Way To A Cold Rainy Spring 

Here’s Cheers To The Man Who Stole My Heart Away 

Please Stop Eating Bugs It’s Weird 

You Made Me The Villain Of Your Story Darling Now Own Up To It Won’t You 

If Someone Tries To Shoot You Simply Tell The Bullet To Leave You Alone 

She Drowned Jupiter In Her Martini Glass 

The Sort Of Love You Only Feel When Drunk 

It’s Past My Bedtime And I’m Thinking Of You 

Say The Apples Seem Strange This Year 

The Man Who Looked At Me So Sweetly In Soft Flavours Of Deep Beige 

Oh Baby Don’t You Know Our Sort Is Locked Out Of Heaven 

There’s No ‘You’ In 'My Cup Of Tea' 

You Have To Stop Making So Many Enemies 

Now We’re Cooking With Lasers 

Middle Of The Night Yet You’re Wide Awake Thinking About Waluigi 

You Have This Power Inside And It’s Frightening 

You And Me And The Aquarium Between Us 

I Don’t Know What This Is But It’s Not An Avocado 

Wish Me Luck Honey (I Couldn’t Ask For More) 

All The Things You Did Before You Did Them 

You Ought To Stop Eating Spiders It’s Creeping The Guests Out 

It Sure Is Wet In Here I’ll Tell You What 

I’ve Been Chugging Poison Waiting For The Day You Inevitably Take Me Up On My Offer And Take A Proper Bite Out Of Me 

Keep All Body Parts On The Inside Of The Vehicle At All Times As Failure To Comply May Result In Having Them Unwillingly Removed 

Drowning In A Coffee Cup (What An Awful Way To Go) 

Do The Trees Bite Where You’re From 

My Overconfidence Is Astounding And It’s A Surprise I’ve Never Been Killed 

I Understand Where You’re Coming From But Where Did You Get The Gun 

Have You Found Yourself Or Your Loved Ones Suffering From A Case Of Empty Eyes 

We Wouldn’t Be Here If SOMEONE Didn’t Spill Ketchup On The Sheets 

Tastes Like Hot Sugar On A Sharp Knife 

As You Can Tell By The Yellow Filter We Just Entered Mexico 

You’re Telling Me He Died From The Mould? And What Did The Mould Do, Stab Him? 

One Of These Beans Tastes Like Cola And The Other Tastes Like Black Mould 

Next Time Maybe Don’t Go Into The Forest At Night Hm Buddy? Just A Thought 

Well That Was A Little Unnecessarily Brutal Don’t You Think? 

Tender Words And Hellish Screams 

Too Cool To Sleep At A Reasonable Hour 

For A Place Called Silent Hill It Sure Is Horribly Noisy 

Smoke’s Water And We’re Water Therefore We Are Bleach 

Your Love Tastes Like A Heart Attack 

Pixy Stix and Broken Bones 

You Smell Like Nonsense With A Hint Of Melancholy 

Crying Because Cats Are Cute And Deserve The World 

I’m Sick But The Bags Under My Eyes Are Sicker 

I Live In A Room With No Windows 

I Haven’t Left The House In Months 

Don’t Stand So Close To The TV Lest The Static Claims You 

Forever Dizzy In This Lonely World 

Day 243 The Wall Effigy Started Talking To Me 

I’m Not Happy Unless I’m Miserable 

Summer Lasts A Week At Best But My Dedication To Sweater Vests Is Eternal So Look Me In The Eye Little Teacup And Melt If It Bothers You So Much 

Chicken Nuggets Heat Up Faster On The Higher Shelf Of The Oven Because Of Their Proximity To God 

It’s Summer (Hot Weather Turns My People Violent) 

You Can’t Just Ask A Guy Why He’s In Love 

Seeing The French Everywhere Might Be A Side Effect Of Something And I Have Yet To Find Out What But It Could Be Asbestos 

Remember When We Would Stay Up All Night Reading Fanfic On Our Phones 

What Do You Know About Being Divine 

Couldn’t Believe When You Said You Were A Deity 

When I Was A Child I Thought / That The Word Rainbow Had Eight Letters / And That One Of Them Was D 

Who Needs Sleep When I Can Just Drop Dead For A Rest 

I Don’t Check My Email In Fear Someone Tried To Contact Me Via Email 

I Saw A Bumblebee Today And It Was Huge Really Absolutely Massive 

Mid-Performance Chainsaw Solo 

I Want To Drown In Your Swimming Pool 

Feelings Of An Almost Human Nature 

Can’t Let It Slip That There’s More To Me Than Little Old I 

Manual Therapy For Anxious Hands 

A Sense Of Failure Wasting Away And Never Living Up To Your Full Potential Unable To Get Things Done And Putting Everything Off Because You Are Scared Of Progress 

He To Whom The Cake’s Dedicated 

You’re Quite Pleasant But The Pleasure Is Mine 

What Dropping A Large Bag Of Coal On Your Foot Feels Like 

I’m One Of Those Annoying People Who Would Rather Use Fifty Commas Than Shorten The Sentence 

Seeing The Future In The Tear Stains On Your Cheeks 

Do You Ever Feel Crowded In A Lonely Room 

I Want To Eat Eggs Whole Shell And All 

Adopt Your Enemies To Establish Dominance 

I’ve Existed For Thousands Of Years Before Gaining Sentience 

You Are A Dream In A Crowd Of Nightmares 

Get Your Shoes Off My Bed You Animal 

Do Not Invite Me To Your DnD Party Unless You Are Ready To Accept The Consequences 

Too Good For Heaven Too Bad For Hell 

I’m Not Above Eating Off The Floor 

I Distinctly Remember The Time He Stayed With Us 

I Know I May Look Like A Real Person But I Am Actually Not A Real Person At All 

When It Comes To Near Death Experiences I’m An Expert 

Your Skin Smells Like The Last Days Of Summer 

I Never Learned How To Write 

God Wouldn’t Have Wanted This / But This Isn’t About God / It’s About Our New Dish Soap / Now Available In Supermarkets Near You 

Do You Remember Your First Time Tasting Water 

You Know How Sometimes An Unwanted Guest Comes Over And You Do All You Can To Make Them Leave While Remaining Polite 

Fizzy Brained Children Are So Troublesome 

I Forgot What The Antagonist Of Legend Of Zelda Was Called And For A Good Moment Thought It Was Gandalf 

You’re The First Descendant In A Line Of Workaholics Utterly Convinced Your Willingness To Sacrifice Your Own Health Determines Your Worth As A Human Being And Promptly Working Yourself To Death To Provide Unto Others What You Never Had A Chance To Understand You Deserved Yourself 

I Am The Mirror In Which You Can See All The Evil In The World 

So Far Throughout My Life I Got Mildly Electrocuted On Three Separate Occasions 

Asking My DM Friend To Put A Light-Emitting Crab In Our Game 

Leaving The Fridge At 3 In The Morning 

Pepsi Makes My Teeth Go Numb 

Peach Yoghurt Tastes Better With Whipped Cream 

Thinking About Him (The Enlightened Prophet) 

There’s A Strange Man Hiding In The Fruit Aisle 

My Brain Operates On Frequencies You’ve Never Even Heard Of 

The Curious Desire For Overwhelmingly Vivid Symmetry 

My Computer Chair Broke So Now I’m Stuck Here Leaning To The Right 

People Ask Me How I Manage To Think Of You Everyday And To Be Completely Honest I Never Know What To Say Because It Feels So Natural 

Pepsi Running Through My Veins 

What Flavour Is Your Mind 

Sorry My Dad Said I Can’t Join Your Cult Today For I’m Grounded 

Squirrels Ate My Will To Live 

Being Told I’m Allowed To Make My Final Class Project About Any Topic I Want Awakens A Demon Inside Me That Makes Me Subject My Classmates To Only The Finest Of My Obscure Interests 

Standing In Front Of Me She Quickly Undressed Confessing Her Desire To Cause Me Physical Harm And Needless To Say I Was Baffled But Nonetheless Intrigued 

You Love Them Now You’ll Hate Them Later 

The Only Thing Greater Than My Ego Is My Impostor Syndrome 

Don’t Try To Tell Me How I’m Supposed To Breathe 

Why Is There Fish Bait In The Fridge Again 

You Scream Ancient Curses In Long Dead Languages And Perish Surrounded By Friends 

The Subtle Taste Of La Croix And Gentrification 

The Cons Of Being My Friend Greatly Outweigh The Pros 

You Are Who We Say You Are Because Public Opinion Beats Self Worth Every Time 

Angels Lost Their Charm When You Walked In 

Some Days I Feel Like A Lobster On A Skateboard 

Make Yourself Comfortable We’ll Be Falling For A While 

Bleed Your Soul And Blind Your Eyes 

You Can Stay At My Place But You’ll Never Find Me There 

Had A Dream Today That Hastur Was A Canon Character In Deltarune (I Woke Up With Enough Adrenaline To Bypass Anxiety And Respond To My E-Mails) 

Murder And Other Expressions Of Love 

You Locked Me In A Cage And Threw Away The Key And When You Found Someone Better I Was Left To Gnaw On The Bars For My Freedom 

What Do You MEAN There Was A Fire 

Cough Syrup Flavours According To Tumblr User Darkangelofglory 

A Little Weirdo Driven By Consumption 

Does A Straw Have One Hole Or Two 

I Want That Coca Cola Limelight 

Clouds Did Not Exist Before 1997 

More Dish Soap Than God Intended To Exist 

Some Days The World Is Too Bright To Function 

Sometimes I Look Up The Last Minutes Of A Movie I’ve Seen Before Because I’m Not Ready For The Emotional Investment Of Going Through The Plot’s Ups And Downs But Crave The Gratification Of A Happy Ending 

My Companion Looked In Horror At The Scene Unfolding Before Our Very Eyes Before Finally Saying Out Loud What We’ve All Been Thinking / Did He… Did He Steal Her Teeth? 

Give Me Salvation I Swear I Won’t Bite 

Your Love Has Brought Me To The Point Of No Returning 

I Can’t Get The Bees Out Of My Teeth 

Open The Fridge Dear (I Promise I’m Not In It) 

Please Don’t Lick The Walls 

Two Egg Yolks Six Teaspoons Of Sugar And A Tablespoon Of Cocoa 

Go To Sleep In The Morning And Wake Up At Noon Only To Go Back To Sleep Till Evening And Wake Up Full Of Regret And With A Headache 

The Infinite Game Or The Inevitable Disappointment Induced By The Terminality Of Things And Its Ability To Ruin One’s Enjoyment Of The Thing In Question 

If A Mushroom Can See Itself As A God So Can You 

I Sold My Lungs On The Black Market 

This Man Shoved His Face In a Tub Of Soap Bubbles - What Happened Next May Surprise You 

A Sort Of Soft Paste Which Tastes Like Perfume 

I’ve Nothing But Contempt For Fahrenheit 

The Little People At The Bottom Of The Ocean 

When I Grow Up I Want To Be Fruit Juice 

You’re Being Hunted (By Me) 

He Kinda Looks Like He’s Sucking On A Brick 

Crying Over A Chicken Nugget 

Slide-Whistles You To Death 

All The Personality Of A Collapsed Lung 

The Burning Fragrance Of Cleaning Supplies 

The First Time You Scraped Your Knee Falling Off A Bike 

Go Ahead And Floor It Luv 

A Toast To Our Special Little Brand Of Sin 

Dunks You In Tea LOL 

Sipping Sunflower Oil From A Wine Glass 

Even The Mushrooms Mourn Losing You 

You And All Your Money That You’ve Stolen From The Poor 

Where Do You Get Off Poisoning My Tea 

The Man Of Wine And Cigarette Smoke 

[marscats37]

Winter love. 

[mandiemegatron]

@lumiolivierlithium I can't remember if I sent you this one already, but if not, I LOVE YOU AND YOURE WELCOME YOU SEXY BISH

// The Simple Things \\

Jumin x Reader ficlet

Fluff ! 100% fluff!

A gift for my dearest Lumi. I hope this makes your day a little brighter. 🥰

--

“Darling…”

There was a gentle shuffling of soft bedding before my messy head of hair popped out from under the blankets. Steely grey eyes met mine and I couldn't stop a small smile from cracking my otherwise blank features. 

“Are you planning on staying in bed all day?” 

At those words, though the tone was far from condescending, I couldn't help but drop the smile, a more nervous and embarrassed expression overtaking my face. 

“... is… is that bad?” 

My lover chuckled gently before leaning down to press a warm kiss to my forehead. 

“No my love, it's not bad. Shall I call the chef to bring you something to eat?” 

Guilt overtook my system as I realized I hadn't eaten since my early dinner yesterday - though my boyfriend definitely didn't need to know that - and slowly shook my head before responding meekly, 

“Its okay babe, I'll call him if I get hungry.” 

His stare chilled me to the point where I shivered, pulling myself deeper into the thick blankets as if to hide myself, though our eyes remained locked. It's like he was trying to read my thoughts; oh god, think about something funny, think about something funny -! 

Before I could change my thought process, he simply smiled lovingly down at me, conceding to my obvious charm. 

“Alright my love. You know I worry about you.” 

Another bite of guilt ate away at me. 

“I know, Jumin. Don't worry, I promise I'll get up and eat something in a while.” 

I reached out a hand from the blanket and grasped one of his, giving it a gentle squeeze before slipping mine back to my body. God bless the warmth of Jumin's insane comforters. 

“Good girl. I'll be back before you know it.” 

I gave him a more genuine smile as he leaned down, giving him the softest kiss we've shared before he pulled back with a sigh. 

Man, did he ever sigh a lot. 

Is there such thing as ‘sigh therapy’? 

Terrible thought, think of something funny, damnit! 

“I miss you terribly already and I haven't even left yet.” 

I laughed into my (his) pillow before ripping myself from the blanket enough to wrap my arms around his waist. His hands ran through my hair, pulling a rather lewd sound from me as I smothered my face into his stomach. He laughed under his breath and murmured loud enough for me to hear, 

“Keep this up Kitten, and I won't make it to work.” 

I whined into his suit (which always smelled ridiculously amazing) before pulling away and tugging him into another kiss. 

“Then stay.” 

He chuckled into the kiss, nipping my bottom lip and moving away from me before I could tempt him any longer. 

“I'm sorry my love, my life, but if I stay away from work any longer, Jaehee will have my head.” 

There was a moment of silence for the very temporary assistant Jaehee had while we were away for a week. 

But damn, was that ever a week well spent. 

I sighed and nodded, curling back under the blankets as the light of my life walked away, turning only to smile and call to me, 

“Pick something for dinner tonight. I'll be home before you can even miss me.” 

I blew him a kiss and cocooned myself in the comforter as the door closed and locked. I turned to the other side and got a face full of purring furr, my eyes slowly opening to meet brilliant blue. Elizabeth meowed at me before headbutting my face and curling around the crown of my head, her tail tickling the skin across my shoulder blades. 

Reaching under the pillow, I whipped out my phone and snapped a photo of the two of us, sending it to Jumin with the caption of, 

“Your two girls will be here waiting when you get home. Have a great day baby!” 

I snuck my phone back under my pillow, ignoring the subtle vibration from a notification as sleep finally took over once more. I already knew what the message would say anyways, since it was the same every single time. 

“I wouldn't have it any other way. I love you.” 

[gyucore]

to reach a happy ending

pairing: beomgyu x reader

tags: fluff, childhood friends to lovers

word count: 1.6k

warnings: beomgyu swears like once

prompts:

017: "A fairytale with a happy ending always brings a smile to my face."

023: "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

— requested by ⛅ anon! sorry this took so long to make. i hope you like it!! ♡

"Ew, look at this." You hand the dusty old photo album to Beomgyu who's sprawled across the floor by your side.

"Wait—" He stops you, rolling away before letting out a sneeze so loud that it managed to echo off the dusty untouched walls of his old room. The poor guy couldn't help it, his room hadn't been cleaned since he moved out in the middle of high school, and his mom preferred to keep things as they were— dust and all. You wonder if it was simply an excuse to clean one less room.

Beomgyu did say he had dropped in yesterday without notice. You'd think he'd want to spend some quality time with his parents first, but he'd decided to invite you over after spending a single night under this roof. Having heard nothing but radio silence from your best friend in years, you were thrilled to get to see him again. And what better way to shed off the ever present awkwardness in the beginning than to go through old photo albums?

"Okay, show me." Beomgyu rolls back to your side, scooting in closer to rest his head on your lap.

You turn the photo album, pointing at one photo in particular of you and Beomgyu dressed as a knight and damsel in distress— Beomgyu playing the role of the latter. Contrary to the roles, you were pummeling Beomgyu to the ground as if having caught a thief, and Beomgyu was shoving his handkerchief to your face, blocking your eyesight. The context behind the photograph alludes you, but this might just be a case of seven-year-olds doing whatever they want whenever.

"The fuck you mean ew? I look great in that dress!" Frowning, Beomgyu grabs the album to stare longer at his past self's glory.

"Lying to yourself isn't good for you, Gyu." You jokingly disapprove. It was fun seeing his reactions right after.

"Oh, look at these."

Beomgyu points at a photo of you and him on stage, wearing the same costumes as before. You figured it was for a play back in first grade when you two had been classmates. The next series of photos included one of you holding out a sword towards a kid in a cheap dragon costume, one of Beomgyu holding back his tears after tripping over and ripping his dress, and ones of you rushing to Beomgyu and kissing away his tears.

"This takes me back." Beomgyu lights up with a smile, failing to notice the surprise on your face. "Remember when your mom made us believe that kissing any injuries we had would make it go away? I knew you wanted to help me back then but I couldn't stop crying and tell you were it hurt, so you started kissing all over my face hoping it'd go away."

You find yourself laughing at your past self's foolishness. "But did it work?" You ask in between laughs.

"Well," Beomgyu chuckles, getting up from his position on your lap. "I don't think it would've worked if another person had done it. But since it was you— Wait." He takes one last look at the album, letting slip a wheeze before placing it back in its box. "Mom wrote something right below the photo."

"What did she write?" You ask, holding out your hands for Beomgyu to grab.

"A fairy tale with a happy ending always brings a smile to my face." Beomgyu tells you as he helps you up, trying his best to keep a straight face after delivering that line.

The two of you burst into laughter at his mother's words. You knew she'd been fond of fairy tales all her life but the caption was taking you out. Beomgyu was literally crying in the photo yet somehow this, to her, was a happy ending.

You eventually take notice of all the photos plastered around his room, some framed, and some simply stuck to the walls— memories of happier times. Most were of you and him, and in some, just you. He'd shown off the Polaroid camera his mother bought for him in seventh grade, proclaiming he'd only take photos of moments he'd want to keep in his memory forever. It never actually crossed your mind that a lot of them would be of you.

Beomgyu notices your wandering eyes and chuckles, placing an arm around your shoulder. The distance between you shrinks as he holds you closer. And at that moment, you take note of everything that's changed.

He'd gotten taller since the last time you saw him. Gone was the lanky boy you knew, evident in the way his muscles flexed with every small movement you wish you hadn't noticed. Beomgyu had grown his hair out; the thick, wavy locks tucked behind his ears, covering the back of his neck. The deepness of his voice had been a surprise when he greeted you at the door earlier, but you held back from pointing it out.

You feared that if you acknowledged all the changes, you'd be forced to face reality. That things weren't the same anymore, no matter how hard you tried. After all, Beomgyu wasn't the only one who changed. You had quite the few character development arcs yourself, and experiences which Beomgyu remained oblivious of. And somehow despite that, in his presence, you started to feel like your old self again.

Beomgyu's invitation had come as a surprise last night. You thought he'd forgotten about you, what with all the silence these past few years.

Life continued on as it should even without Beomgyu by your side, but you could argue that all the amazing experiences you've had on your own would've been better if he were there to experience it with you. And now here you were in his old room, pretending everything was the same as he'd left it.

You look up at your old friend, wanting to tell him what had been plaguing your thoughts the entire day but find yourself tongue tied when his dark eyes stare back into your own. And you wonder, how many times had it been that you'd stared into each other's eyes just like this? How many times had he pulled you close into his arms all those years? And just how many nights had you spent wondering if your feelings for him had grown into something more?

"I missed you." Beomgyu speaks first, his gaze never faltering.

Hearing his voice, you swear you could've melted right then and there. Part of you had wished he'd tell you those exact words, confirming that it hadn't been just you who'd been wanting to see him all these years.

"I missed you too."

Beomgyu could only smile at your response.

His arm leaves your shoulder— hands slowly finding their way to your own. His hold was gentle as he slowly guided you to face him.

"Don't laugh, but," Beomgyu starts. "Do you believe in love at first sight?"

"Love at fir—"

The question throws you off.

"What?"

"I heard you the first time!" You cut him off, wanting so bad to cover your face from the secondhand embarrassment. "I can't believe you just said that. What even happened to you in college?"

"Hey! At least hear me out before you make fun of me." Beomgyu bursts out laughing at your reaction, his thumbs caressing the back of your hands to help you calm down. "Judging from your reaction, I'm guessing your answer is a no. And I honestly felt the same too until a few hours back."

"Okay, you lost me there."

"Shut up. What I'm saying is," Beomgyu squeezes your hands, leaning in closer. "I'm sorry I haven't been in touch the last few years. I had a lot of trouble adjusting, and it took a while for me to really get the hang of living alone. I wanted to talk to you as soon as I got there but then I thought that maybe it would've been better for you if I left you to live your own life for a while too."

"Beomgyu.." You squeeze his hands back, sensing the sincerity in his eyes.

Beomgyu shakes his head. "I know this sounds silly and all, but I didn't want you to feel the emptiness I felt when I left. I wanted you to go and make experiences of your own without me."

You frown, refraining to speak until he's done.

"But then I couldn't stop thinking about you. Everywhere I went, I'd think of you and how the place would've been better if we got to hang out there together. Every time I had fun or ate something that tasted good, I wanted you to share the experience with me."

Beomgyu sighs. "Honestly, I thought I could make it through my visit home without seeing you but I passed by your house on my way home yesterday and I just.. I couldn't hold back. And when I saw you for the first time in years at the front of my doorstep.. I knew I had to tell you."

Half of you knew what to expect, and the other half doubted the reality of the situation. But all the doubts instantly melt away as soon as Beomgyu closed the distance between you, pressing your foreheads together.

Face flushed, you stare at him in awe and notice he had his eyes closed shut. "Cute." You thought.

He whispers in a voice so quiet you could barely hear.

"I like you."

You couldn't hold it in any longer, the rush of emotions crashing into you like raging waves against a cliff. The next moment, you find yourself inching closer and closer, face heating up even more as you press your lips against his as a reply.

Beomgyu's eyes widen, body freezing in place. He hadn't exactly expected you to respond so soon, especially not like this. And he couldn't be happier.

You feel Beomgyu returning the kiss, his hands going up to cup your face— his hold gentle. The two of you wanted nothing more than to stay in this moment for as long as life permits, because for once, you could finally see the path to your happily ever after slowly unraveling.

This was just the beginning.

[user-jongdae]

i was tagged by @dearmydae​ to list my 5 favorite creations i’ve posted! thanks!!!

can't come up with caption - like the title says I couldn't come up with a caption lol I really missed him so I decided to make a gif post. also this one looks really nice so that's why i really like it! i know my gifs aren't top tier but its whatever eheh.

숨 - i think this was my official first gif set ever! i only just recently started dabbling with making gifs but i was really proud of this one.

how do i - i also really liked how well (at least to me) it came out! i remember soons being so happy when this came out and i saw many screenshots all over my timeline XD

kai live - i another one i really like bc its looks nice XD also who doesn't love some jongin? i wanna make more gifs of the members especially the ones who i see less content from my dash :((( its hard to find more active exols rip

sehun xmas gift - i think this mood board came out really good XD doesn't feel overwhelming. it was for secret Santa last year!

i won't tag anyone this time since some of my fav creators aren't active rn ;;

[imaginetrahs]

4. Is this a date or what?

Solana

This morning I woke up around nine o'clock and stayed in bed for a while. Oscar wasn't coming until 12:30 and currently it's only 10.

I got out bed with a heavy sigh, and walked to my closet looking for an outfit. I wanted to look good but not like I'm trying too hard. However, I don't want to look like I didn't try. I decided on a cropped thin strapped tank top with ripped jeans and a light flannel shirt. I looked in the mirror and paused thinking about the weather. I checked my phone and it said 85 degrees. I went to change my outfit, but took a picture first. I ended up trying on three different outfits, took pictures of them, and then sent them to the group chat before hopping in the shower.

Real Hot Girl Shit 🤪

Hot Girl Lana

Which one 😭

Read 10:15

Hot Girl Brae

The first one is really cute but so is the third one 😗

Sent 10:18

Hot Girl Ziy

Where are you going 🤔

Sent 10:20

Hot Girl Lana

Out with Oscar 😬

Read 10:50

Hot Girl Brae

Hot Girl Ziy

Hot Girl Brae

Hot Girl Lana

Ok it is not that serious 🙄

Read 10:58

Hot Girl Ziy

Actually it is

Read 11:05

Go with fit 3 bitch

Read 11:05

Hot Girl Lana

Thanks 😊

Read 11:08

I promise to tell y'all everything later

Read 11:10

After punching the air a few times I got dressed and put some mousse on my braids to lay down any flyaways. I didn't do any special makeup just my eyebrows, some lashes and some lip gloss. I walked out of my room to see Jamal sitting at the table eating cereal.

"Where are you going? Did you put sunscreen on because last time you didn't you got burned and then you cried and had me rub aloe all over you and I don't want to do that again." He got up to put his bowl in the sick and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Yes Jamal, damn." I walked around him to the fridge to grab a water.

"Where are you going?" He continued watching me from the counter.

"Out." I sat on the couch and turned the tv on. Reruns of love and hip hop were on so I decided to just watched that until it was time to go.

"Where?" I sighed and threw my head back on the couch.

"What is this? And interrogation?" I tossed the remote on the coffee table in front of me. "You're not my dad! You always tryna hear something."

Jamal gave me a straight face and I couldn't help but bust out laughing. He did this to himself asking all these damn questions.

"Chill out J." I giggled to myself. "I'm a big girl, I can handle myself."

He rolled his eyes and walked down the hall to his room. I stayed on the couch watching tv for the next hour. I was hungry but decided not eat because I'm pretty sure I'll eat with Oscar.

~

12:30 came and went, Oscar still wasn't here. I waited until 1 o'clock to text him, it's only been thirty minutes but Oscar is very punctual it's sickening. I checked my phone again and seen that my message was left on read.

I twisted my face up and locked my phone. I sunk into the couch thinking that maybe he's busy right now and him leaving me on read is his way of telling me he's still coming.

Unfortunately that wasn't the case, I've sat here for another two hours. I laid down on the couch still watching tv, upset. I heard Jamal come out of his room and into the living room.

"I thought you were going out." He came and sat on my back.

"Yeah me too." I groaned out from under him. "Do you wanna go out? Like to eat or something?"

"Really?" His whole face lit up at my question.

"Yeah," I giggled at him, "why wouldn't I be serious?"

He shrugged his shoulders and got up to put his shoes on. I squint my eyes not believing him then got up myself to put my sandals on.

Before leaving I made Jamal take a picture with me for Snapchat. I captioned it with a red heart and posted it. I grabbed my keys from the key hook and left with Jamal behind me. I waited in the car while he locked the front door and pulled out when he got in the passenger seat.

"Where to brother?" I glanced at him but still kept my eyes on the road. Safety first.

"Let's go to the state fair." I stopped at a red light and looked at him surprised.

"Are you sure because last time you told mom and dad you were going to sue them for child endangerment." I laughed and pulled off to get on the freeway.

"I'm a new man now. I'm stronger," he flexed his arms to show his nonexistent muscles, "I'm taller."

"Right." I nodded at him slowly. "We'll see how much of a 'new man' you are when it's time to get on rides."

For the rest of the drive we sung most of the songs that came on Spotify together. Moments like these are my favorite because as we get older we started to drift apart doing our own thing.

About 45 minutes later we parked and hopped out to get to the ticket booth. It was almost 4 o'clock and the park didn't close until 8 so we had some time. For Christmas last year we were gifted membership passes so we didn't have to pay as much and I'm so thankful for our rich family members.

Looking around the park we tried to decide what we wanted to do first. I haven't eaten yet and I was super hungry, like hungry hungry. I looked around for the food truck that I wanted. They served these really, really good buffalo chicken calzones and then I would just get a bucket of fries from another truck and fried Oreos from another. Be honest, who comes to fairs to ride rides because I don't, I come to eat.

Jamal and I sat at one of the free tables and he watched me eat with a disgusted face.

"You know none of that is good for you and with the pace you're eating at, you're bound to choke." He stopped talking abruptly. "I'm not CPR certified." He whispered to himself.

I rolled my eyes at him. "Oh come on J, chill out. It's like I have to constantly tell you this. Enjoy and indulge in this while you can because once we go back to school it's back to eating prison food."

"I'm pretty sure school food is better than prison food." I huffed and stopped eating.

"That's not the point." I wiped my mouth with the napkins I grabbed. "My point is, enjoy yourself. You're too uptight to be only 14, that's not good. It gives you grey hair early."

"Fine." He sighed and went to reach for my food but I moved it out of his reach.

"What are you doing? All of these vendors and food trucks, and you want my food?" I looked at him like he had two heads. "Go get your own, loser."

~

We've been at the fair for almost four hours and we've ate and played more games than we can count. So far we've won a huge unicorn, big enough for me to sit on, a huge pillow pet and just a bunch of small and medium sized stuffed animals. Since we weren't ready to go yet, I put all of the prizes in a storage locker until we left.

"You ready to go yet?" I looked at Jamal and he looked like he was ready to pass out, truth be told me too. We've been walking around for hours, bumping into people and vice versa, quite frankly I'm tired of it.

"Yeah, you?" He looked back at me and I nodded back at him.

"Let's get a funnel cake before we go?" We both stood up and walked to find the booth that sold funnel cakes. Eventually we found it and stood in line waiting for the few people in front of us.

From the corner of my eye I could see Jamal fidgeting like he wanted to say something. I could feel him glancing at me but not saying anything so I thought I should say something first.

"What is it J?" I turned to him a little, it was enough to let him know he had my full attention.

"What — I don't — what?" He stuttered out.

I pursed my lips and rocked on the heels of my feet waiting for him to tell me. "I don't believe you. So just tell me or rather, I don't know, ask me like a normal person."

He took a minute and finally asked me. "Who were you going out with today?"

I stared at him in disbelief, "that's what you wanted to ask me?" I snorted out a laugh. "I thought you were gonna ask for money 'cause you're in trouble or something. Jeez, J."

He huffed and moved up ordering the funnel cakes for us. I had a feeling he already knew the answer so I didn't bother answering it.

"Are you gonna answer me?" He handed me my cake and we started walking to the front of the fair to grab our things and leave.

"No." I led some guys willing to carry all of the prizes to my car. "I'm pretty sure you already know the answer so...you tell me." I put one hand on my hip while the other held the rest of my cake.

Once the guys were done I tipped them and got in the car. We had a long drive back home because of traffic and it's dark out and people don't know how to fucking drive.

"How did that even happen? Why him of all people?"

To be honest I don't even know myself. Yeah I had a crush on him and yeah he's attractive, very attractive whew. But, the lifestyle he lives is very dangerous, he's older than me, which isn't really a problem I'm eighteen, and he's not really someone my dad would want me to bring home.

"I don't know." I pulled onto the freeway. "It's a long story I guess."

"We got time."

~

We finally arrived home after I spilled my guts about my feelings for Oscar. Surprisingly Jamal didn't say anything about how I felt, because we all know he always has something smart to say.

"I know you're older and you're supposed to look out for me but, you're my only sibling," he took my hand in his, "and I just want you to be safe."

I nodded and squeezed his hand. "Of course. Always."

He nodded back at me and got out the car making his way into the house. My parents were home, I could see their bedroom light on.

I sat in the car for a little while longer not ready to get out yet. My phone went off in the cup holder telling me I had a text message. I looked at it and seen a picture from Braelyn. In the picture it was Oscar, who looked way too high to function, and a girl sitting on his lap. The picture was screenshot from Instagram and it was captioned "Mine 🤪".

I couldn't help but laugh, out of both humor and stupidity. I text back the group chat, "Lmfaooooooo. Bet.", and got out of the car and went inside. I'd get the stuffed animals tomorrow or something, right now I just want to go lay down.

"Hey babygirl." My dad hugged me as I walked in the house. "Jamal told me y'all went to fair. That was nice of you."

"Yeah I thought we should hang before school starts." I kicked my sandals off at the door and grabbed a water from the kitchen. "I'm gonna go to bed, I'm tired.

"Ok, I love you." I repeated it back and went to my room. Today has been a long day.

~

I changed my clothes and then got in bed. I put on Netflix for background noise and check my socials. There wasn't anything special but I watched Jamal's snap and noticed he posted a few pictures of us from the fair.

One picture stood out the most though. It was a picture of me playing the basketball game, I was mid shot with a big smile on my face. It was about 6:30 when it was taken because the sky was a pink-ish orange color and I looked like I was literally glowing. I screenshot it and posted it to my story and locked my phone.

I got another text and seen it was from Oscar. I rolled my eyes and opened it to leave him on read and went back to watching tv. I didn't have time for the tomfoolery, if he didn't want to hang today that's all he had to say instead he stood me up.

"Can I watch tv with you?" I looked up and seen Jamal standing at the door with a disgusted look on his face. "Mom and Dad are...busy and your room is the farthest."

I chuckled and made a space for him on the bed. He climbed in and we watched tv for the next 2 ½ hours. When Jamal got up to leave to his room I laid my head on his shoulder.

"You're my favorite brother."

"I'm you're only brother, Solana."

[petersmparker]

Clutch pt 7 (Peter Parker x Reader)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

Summary: This is the first time Peter has spoken to you since he’d kissed you in the alley, and he can’t help but be surprised.

Word Count: 1868

A/N: woo! long time coming, huh? thanks to everyone following this series for their patience! we’re one week into the semester and college is already beating me into submission. did someone say “five classes that assign almost 50 pages of reading due for every class”?? Love you all for sticking w me!!! I’ll promise the next one will be out faster- it’s already written for editing!! ps, tumblr literally won’t allow a cut, so I’m sorry to anyone who has to scroll past this

INTRO PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7 PART 8

It's nearly a week until Peter sees you again due to careful avoidance in the halls and an unfortunate streak of petty crime a distance from your usual routes. Even despite the heated kiss that had been exchanged and his decision to share with you the name behind Spider-Man, he worries that it would be unwise to approach you outside of the suit, and the sight of you in school makes his heart do flips that leave him flustered and distracted for an admittedly embarrassing amount of time.

Because of this, the week passes with some anxiety and nerves. Peter isn't exactly sure how to make odds or ends of what had occurred between you. The kiss had been wonderful- something he had dreamed of without the nerve to actually hope for it. Moreover, it was his first. He wondered if it was yours too, or if you minded that it was him.

Well. Not him, he supposed. Spider-Man. He knew that you felt nothing for him personally, but rather his superhero alter ego. You knew very little about him, after all, besides his name. There wasn’t much he’s been able to share. But if you did, Peter wondered, would you see something in him worth caring about?

Five days in, as Peter goes through the motions of dinner, he fights the urge to admit to May what had occurred. To just talk about it, maybe get some advice. The thoughts rattle in his brain nonstop, keeping him in a near-constant state of “What now?”. But he meets her eye over her container of takeout as she digs a piece of broccoli out from under her rice, and can’t seem to do it. Not yet. Not until things are clearer.

As he climbs into bed, he once again replays the kiss in his mind for the millionth time, hoping to hell that his fixation isn’t breeding false hope.

The next day, Peter decides to swing through the street where his fight had occurred to survey the damage repair. It was something he, unfortunately, was becoming accustomed to doing after putting himself on the radar of higher level criminals the year before. The guilt always struck him when he viewed a shattered glass storefront or a torn apart corner of a building. No matter how hard he tried, sometimes the damage control got away from him.

Seeing the closed-up mini mart is just like every other time, and it feels terrible.

Despite that, the guilty thoughts circling Peter's brain come to a dead stop the moment he lays eyes on you again. Overcoming them was nervousness. Embarrassment, even, as he recalled just how much you'd been at the center of his mind for the past week.

You’re walking along the far side of the street, gazing up at what is left of the shop. The busted-out window is covered in several layers of plastic, wood planks, and cardboard. While the police tape is long gone, the word CLOSED is clearly displayed on the front door- as if the mess of a window isn’t enough of a clue.

As Peter watches, you move on toward a telephone pole to read a sheet of paper that had been stapled to it. After a few moments, you tear it off and stride, agitatedly, in the direction of an alley that he knows all too well. For a brief second Peter wants to assume that you’ll just walk past it. Surely you aren't going to return to The Place It Happened and cause the impending conversation to be even more awkward than it was already going to be.

You turned into the alley, and with a sigh, Peter jumps from the roof he had been perched upon to meet you there. He touches down next to you, startling you only slightly when he attempts to casually say hello and reach for the flyer in your hand.

"Jesus," you gasp, yanking the paper away from him in your exasperated surprise, "Part of me had a feeling you'd show up, but I still wasn't prepared. Maybe you need a bell around your neck."

Peter accepts the now-offered flyer and tries not to shiver when you gently brush a finger against his throat for emphasis. "Ah, well," he starts, somewhat awkwardly, "That might ruin the element of surprise a bit, you know? The bad guys would hear me. Mr. Stark might have to fire me. And in this economy?"

"Spider-Man gets paid?" You ask, bewildered.

"God, no," he says quickly, "This suit is payment enough. And he gave me all this nice stuff I couldn't afford, I- I'd never ask for more."

With a gentle laugh, you place a hand on his arm. "You're a good guy. Really. It makes the shit this reporter is spreading all the more ridiculous," you say with finality, gesturing toward the flyer he still hadn't read.

Pictured was Spider-Man in the midst of his criminal sendoff. Shards of glass are flying across the whole photograph, and the look on the man’s face is one of complete terror. The caption reads, SPIDERMAN: HERO? OR PUBLIC MENACE?

"Oh," Peter says, dejectedly, "I can't really argue that, can I?"

In a quick movement, you rip the flyer out of his hands, crumple it, and toss it toward the open lid of the nearest dumpster.

"Spider-Man," you say firmly, commanding him to hear you, to listen, and Peter’s surprised by the seriousness of your tone.

Your voice lowers in volume when you say, "Peter," and take his hands in your own, and he nearly melts.

"Everything you do is for the good of others. You've saved people's lives before. Put your own in danger to do it. That flyer is slander. Nothing more. No one in their right mind will believe this, and you, you damn intelligent boy, you should know better than to buy into it, either."

"The damage-" Peter starts, before you raise a hand over the mouth area of his mask.

"Nothing was destroyed, Peter. The infrastructure is sound. It was a single window. It can be replaced. Lives can't be replaced,” you assert, squeezing your  eyes shut tight when you continue to say, “With the way I was reacting, I- I probably would have been shot. You stopped that from happening.”

"But. . ." he starts, muffled against your hand, before he realizes that he doesn’t know what to say.

Your other hand comes up so that you can gently hold the sides of his face. The touch sends shivers up Peter’s spine. He’s sure you can feel it when it shakes him, and he’d be embarrassed if he weren’t so entranced by your eyes now that they’ve reopened. You stare into the eyes of his mask, almost as if you can actually see his face.

Your voice fills with what Peter thinks is gratitude when you say, "I would be dead if it weren't for you."

A tension-filled moment passes in which he reels, mind flitting to a hundred different places, before it lands on a terrible thought.

"Is that why you were willing to kiss me?" Peter asks, tentatively.

Surprised, your hands fall away for a brief second, before coming back, holding him tighter than before. "No," you say, definitively, "I would have kissed back no matter what you had done. I'm glad you gave me the opportunity."

With your words, the anxiety slips away from Peter all at once. The fear of rejection is sapped out of him, the concern that he had overstepped his boundaries, the sinking feeling he got every time he thought about how he left afterward. He is left with a balloon in his chest inflating too quickly. It fills with happiness, relief, and affection. It takes his breath away.

In his joy, Peter forgets who he is. Not unlike the first time, he surges forward, arms wrapping around your lower back to pull you forward. He leans in to kiss you, and realizes once he meets your mouth with his own that he's Spider-Man. Not Peter. The mask is still on. His embarrassment is horrific, and had you not burst into delighted laughter Peter may have left the country then and there.

"That- that was so dumb," he says, awkwardly, reaching up to hide his face as if the mask didn't always hide his blush, "I'm sorry. That was- oh man."

You pull him down to plant a kiss on his cheek, paying no mind to the mask that has thwarted his attempt at affection. "This is why," you explain, stopping to press a second quick kiss to the mouth of his mask, "You ask if I kissed back because you saved me? I kissed back because in the little time I've known you, you've been funny. And you've been kind, and brave. What more could I have done, besides feel something for you?"

Peter calms slowly, the heat of embarrassment being replaced by a different kind of warmth. A lovely, comfortable one. The urge to tell you who he really is- more than just his name- bowls him over like a tidal wave, potential ramifications be damned. He opens his mouth to do so when a voice at the entrance of the alley says, "Hey, it's Spider-Man!"

Peter turns to see someone who appears to have stumbled upon the alley at the worst possible time. While you hadn't heard them speak, his hearing is far better. You don’t turn until after he’s faced the unwelcome arrival.

Luckily, thinks Peter as he attempts to emote as much disdain as possible without moving, it's just you. Ned waves at the scene you’ve made in the alleyway, unaware of the context of your meeting or the true presence of you in his life.

"Hello there," he adds, when neither of you respond. His tone implies that he's picked up on something, but Peter isn't sure what that is.

"Uh, hello," Peter answers, unsure of what to say.

Ned looks between the two of you slowly. "Is... everything okay?" He asks, seemingly unaware of how odd it is for a civilian to ask if Spider-Man is alright, whether or not he secretly knows him personally.

His eyes flick downward to your hands, still cupping Peter’s jaw.

"Yes!" Peter exclaims, backing away from you, "Everything is fine! In fact, I should probably be going, now that everything is fine."

"Oh?" His best friend questions in response.

"Absolutely," you say slowly, picking up on Peter’s tone.

Ned nods, but his expression clearly states that he is both skeptical and confused. In a moment of eye contact, Peter realizes that you know there's something going on, too. Maybe even that the person who has stumbled upon you and him knows something. The prospect of it is vaguely terrifying. He can feel you continue to stare at him long after he’s turned back to Ned, searching for the words to say, and is sure that you’re searching his body language and the squint of his eyepieces for answers. His posture falls from rigid to defeated.

Peter turns to look back at you, reaching toward you to grab your hand. He stops halfway, thinking better of the action before he’s spoken to Ned. You almost reach out to meet it, but you stop too, centimeters away.

"I have to go," he says, voice laced with apologies and explanations he can’t fully give to you right now, "I'll... I'll see you. I'm sorry."

You smile reassuringly. "See you, Spider-Man."

After a long moment, he turns away. After nodding toward Ned, still watching from the end of the alleyway, he takes a huge leap into the air and swings away. Maybe he’s mistaken, but he’s sure that he can hear Ned offer a quick, I guess I’ll see you later? to you before he runs off.  

Tag list:

@undiadeestos @moonstruckholland @deathofthethrones @souvenirsvisuels

@nedthegay @legendarydazekitten @secretlittlewonders @jackiehollanderr @disgustangg