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#cuz idk. it never feels like that. everthing always looks so grey to me. eveything always looks greyed out .
pizzapizzadickz
·
2 years
Text
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#diary
#personal
#drugs
#disordered eating
#god i cant fucking tell whats happening at all. i have no clue whats going on. im just fucked
#i got high last night on an edible and that usually fucks me up the next day. and like. i still feel fucked.
#alcohol
#i also drank a beer which made things much worse lmao. whoops. but like everythings blurring together badly.
#like. 30 mins ago is actually now and i have no clue whats going on really. its great. but... i wanna be higher.
#i want to like. disolve. i dont rly care how. i just really dont wanna exist or feel or do anything anymore.
#everything is stressful and hurts.
#...i talked to a friend today. and honeslty im not sure how i kept it together.
#im both fine and not. is it the drugs? its probably the drugs. wonder why im.always affected so much.
#it pretty much terminates my memory which is already fucked.
#and like its distorting my perseptions which makes me feel like i both dont exist but also exist too much
#i went out on a walk earlier and everything was so bright and pretty and i was just like. is rhis how it usually is?
#cuz idk. it never feels like that. everthing always looks so grey to me. eveything always looks greyed out .
#i just... try not to look at it all really. but like it felt like i could hear things clearly without just. shrinking.
#it was nice. it was really really nice.
#self harm
#now i just wanna spend the next week in bed hurting myself.
#maybe its better doing drugs. cuz i gotta at least leave the bed for money to buy more drugs.
#but...if im just depressed or something i just wanna sleep through the day. and week. and month
#im not joking when i say i dont wanna exist anymore.
#im so tired and overwhelmed with my ocd
#i just. somwtimws wanna kill myself.
#i think.thats the drugs talking tho bc i was fine yesterday.
#but idk. im so out of it. i really wanna chat to a friend but i dont want them to like. have to put up with me whoops
#i really hate myself sometimes.
#suicidal ideation
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