#now i just wanna spend the next week in bed hurting myself.

[slippery-minghus]

...

[ultralightpoe]

Tiktok Trouble- Jake Seresin

Authors Note: Let me know if you like this, might do more 

Warning: Allusions to smexy times 

Word count:1519

Description: You learn you like pranking your husband....tiktok likes it too. 

Enjoy!

It starts off with you being pissed at your husband, Jake. 

To be fair it wasn’t his fault. You both had planned a date night but he had been caught up helping fix a jet at work, so he called you and told you he would be missing the night. So although you were angry, you weren’t super angry. 

But you were just a little upset and took to watching tiktok instead of the date, and that is where you came up with the idea……the perfect prank.  You made dinner, making sure to set out a plate for him when he texted you he was heading home, moving to jump into the shower once you heard his car in the driveway. 

You knew he would be upset but you had to set it all up, so you started the water and soon enough you heard him calling for you. When he got no response from downstairs he came up and opened your bedroom door. “Sugar?”

“Just in the shower!” You call. 

“Right now? Did you eat already?” He asks, trying to open the door. “Is it locked?”

“I ate! I just wanna shower.” You laugh and hear him give a dramatic sigh before making a kiss sound and disappearing. You finish your shower and rush to dress, waiting for him to come in and get ready for bed. 

You wait until Jake is ready for bed, just down to his boxers as usual, crawling in and then you move to the dresser. 

“What you doing ,sugar?” He calls, not looking as he tries to find his phone charger while you set up your phone to record. Once you are sure he won’t notice you give the camera a small thumbs up before heading over to the bed and grabbing your pillow. “Sugar?”

Jake watches, eyebrows pinched together as you fluff it before grabbing a blanket, he sits up quickly when you go to leave. “Y/n, what’s goin’ on here?”

“I just kinda want to sleep on the couch.” You shrug, giving him a small smile. 

“....Okay?” He looks confused but gets up as well, snatching his pillow and moving to you. “We can have a little movie night-”

“No no, I just kinda want to sleep by myself.” You laugh, kissing his cheek, a small amount of guilt filling you when he looks like a kicked puppy. 

“But…but…” He looks to the bed, then back to you, then back to the bed…..then back to you. “I promise I’ll be quiet. You won’t even know I’m there!”

“Bubs, I just wanna spend the night by myself-” You don’t get to finish the sentence before he is snatching the blanket and pillow and storming past you. “Where are you going?!”

“To set up downstairs. I never sleep without you-” You break then, laughing your butt off which makes him gasp. 

“I’m so confused right now.”

“Bubs, it was a tiktok idea.” You explain, pointing to the camera and moving to shut it off as he gasps dramatically. 

“You were pranking me?!”

“Duh.” You giggle, turning to look at him and his eyes squint as a smug smile covers his features. 

“Y/n? Sugar? Bubs? Light of my life?” 

“Yeah……”

“I’m going to ruin you.” You barely get a second to squeal and rush across the bed before he can catch you, the game of chase underway.

—----------------

You had posted the video, and it got popular fast. 

Which wasn’t a shocker considering you already knew how handsome your husband was and everyone else was more than willing to say the same. Him only being in boxers definitely helped.  But everyone began sending in ideas and you just couldn’t help yourself. 

The next prank came a week later. 

You had set up your phone to film at the window in front of the sink, pretending to do the dishes as soon as you heard the front door. 

“Sugar?! I am homeEeeEE.” 

“Doing dishes - OW OW OW!” You act hurt, pretending your hand is stuck in a travel bottle as he rushes in, dropping his keys and glasses on the way.

“What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?” He panics, rushing in to check you. You show him the bottle, doing your best to look like you are in pain. 

“Shit- under the water, put it under the water.” He rushes out, moving you to the sink and turning on the water to try and get your hand out. “Just relax, relax relax relax.”

“Let’s try soap-” You offer, taking your hand out of the cup to grab some soap and shove it back in. He nods, reaching over you to grab the bottle and add more, kissing your forehead in a soothing manner before his eyebrows shoot up and he steps back. 

“Wait-” You die laughing then, taking your hand out of the cup as he rolls his eyes. “Oh come on! Low blow even for you.”

He’s laughing too, and you can’t breathe at this point. “That….that was…..so funny-” You collapse to your knees cackling as he finds the camera and leans forward to look into it. 

“I regret getting married.” He laughs, turning off the water before flicking your forehead and walking to go pick up the things he had dropped to get to you. “I want a divorce!”

The clip ends with you just cackling. 

—------------------

Your weekly date night had come up, and you felt like being a really cute wife…..partly. 

He was sitting on your shared bed watching some youtube videos on fixing sinks (yours wasn’t broken so you honestly had no clue why) and he had left you alone in the bathroom to do your makeup, perfectly content to just be near you. 

You shut the door, murmuring that you were going to the bathroom which he hummed to and once the door was shut you began recording yourself. Doing your best not to laugh as you took a lip liner and overlined your lips….. Like a lot. 

You had to take a second to reign in your giggles before you were heading out to where he was laying on the bed, shuffling until you were kneeling in between his legs, they came up to wrap around you instantly as he kept watching his video. 

“Bubs.” You smile, waiting. He hums in acknowledgement, one eyebrow raising as he listens but doesn’t look. “Bubs-”

“Yeah sugarpi- holy crap.” His face turns to one of shock when he looks at you finally, eyebrows shooting up as one hand covers his mouth. 

“I watched this makeup video while you were gone,” You smile, flipping your hair. “I think I like it.”

“You….. o-okay.” He smiles, clearing his throat. “It… wow.”

“Wow? Like stunning wow?” You ask, doing a little pose. 

“Sure. Yeah. That.” He smiles, trying to be supportive. “Hey, how about we stay in tonight?”

“Really?” 

“Yeah…yeah for sure. I just- you just look so good I want to keep you to myself-” He smiles, leaning up to kiss your cheek. You laugh at that, allowing him to kiss you before he sits up and swipes at your lips. “Love the lip shade….But sugar?”

“Yeah bubs?”

“Can… can I be honest for a second?” 

“Of course?”

“You look like a bee stung your lips.” You break at that, once again cackling and he looks very worried. “I don’t wanna be the ass but-”

“I’ll remove the lipstick. Just get ready to go you dork.” You laugh, kissing his lips and walking off.

—--------------------

“Alright, I’m gonna head out. You need anything?” Jake asks, dressed in his errand clothes with his sunglasses on his head while he pulls the back of your neck to pull you in for a kiss. 

You give in easily, moaning a little before pulling back. “Oh bubs, your lips are chapped.”

“What?” He laughs, moving up to touch his lips and smack them. 

“Yes. Here.” You dig through your purse and pull out the chapstick that you had already replaced with lipstick. He smiles at you, kissing your forehead before generously applying it over his lips and smacking them. 

Naval Aviator Jake Seresin…..wearing bright red lipstick. …… amazing. 

He smiles at you, a big cheesy smile, and kisses you once more before strutting to the door. He does his little butt wiggle when he reaches the door that makes you laugh before he disappears through the door. 

Once he is gone you turn and wink to the camera. 

He gets back an hour later, you hear the front door slam and him call your name. You immediately turn your camera on, walking to the stairs and walking down them. 

“Yeah bu-”

“Do not bub me right now.” He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I ran into Maverick at the store.”

You crack out into laughter, covering your face as he glares. 

“That’s it. Pranking time is over. Your ass better be in those sheets naked by the time I get up there!” He snaps and you stand straight, heat traveling you. “3…2….” You don’t need to be told twice.

Comments: 

“Honestly mom and dad”

“Can you adopt me????”

“Tell him to take his top off!”

[amymbona]

i need angst so !! thinking about patrick with an introverted, shy, kinda closed off reader who sometimes needs to just be by herself and isolates and ghosts the people around her because she gets overwhelmed. and of course patrick gets mad because he doesn't get it and he confronts her about it and they get in a huge argument idk. i feel like she's a lot like a female version of art and she gest sneaky and mean when she's angry so i just imagine patrick seeing this part of her for the first time and they end up saying the worst things to each other

thank you <33

Patrick angst Zweig <3

I think that, as much as Patrick tries to be a good guy, he's just really oblivious and fails to notice important stuff. It doesn't mean that he doesn't care - no no no - but he's simply kinda stupid. And unfortunately, he's having issues with figuring out certain social cues.

So when your responses are dry, only sending simple yes and no to his messages, Patrick gets really pissed. What exactly is the issue - do you suddenly hate him? Has he done something so terrible that offended you and you weren't even able to talk to him about it? Or is it the harsh truth that you don't want to be friends with him anymore? While you're (somewhat) peacefully asleep, hoping to get past your anxiety in that way, Patrick spends hours pacing around his room, literal steam shooting from his ears.

And then he storms into your dorm in the middle of the night - because Patrick Zweig doesn't understand the concept of time and because Patrick Zweig doesn't care if somebody wants to get rest and mainly because Patrick Zweig doesn't like waiting - so you're forced to listen to him rant, half asleep, in your pyjamas.

"I don't understand it, I just - did I do something? - or what is it? Why won't you just tell me?"

"Patrick, just go to your place. We'll talk in the morning," you beg him with a sleepy voice, eyes closing.

He stomps towards your bed, hands on his hips, staring down at your tired frame, "Why? Why won't you just talk to me? You've been ignorin' me since the start of the week. What the hell's your issue?"

"Just go," you plead once again, genuinely not in the mood for any of it.

"Don't tell me to go - goddamn - don't sleep now! Just talk to me, for fuck's sake," Patrick is still pushing his luck, unable to respect your wishes. He is determined to get this answer. And unfortunately, that pushes you over the edge.

"Why do you have to be so pushy all the time? Oh my god, just leave me alone - why don't you get it? I'm not texting you cause I wanna be alone!"

He's dumbfounded, totally.

"What the hell, Y/N?"

But you're having none of it, sadly, too upset about this whole treatment, about Patrick constantly chasing you, glued to your back, not allowing you a single moment for yourself. You love him, but you need to be alone as well, "You're after me all the time - do you have an idea how frusttating that is? I can't be with you all the time, Pat. I'm not a robot, I need some time for myself too!"

And you know Patrick is quite an emotional guy, dependent too. He requires constant reassurance and presence of his loved ones - so much, that he's blind to all the hints of discomfort, unable to understand the world doesn't revolve around him.

"Oh," he nods, stepping away from your bed slowly, "Okay."

Like a harsh shake, the realisation that you have unintentionally hurt his feelings wakes you up. But you couldn't hold it back, you just couldn't, when you were so overwhelmed, "Wait, Patrick-"

"No no no," he cuts you off, "Good night."

And then you're left alone. But suddenly, you don't want to be alone. You want Patrick to come back, to be here, lay next to you and talk your ear off. To rant and rant and rant until you're asleep, unaware of anything he's saying, but snuggled closely to his side. Hurriedly, you pick up your phone and text him.

Y/N: pat [0:28 am]

Y/N: sorry [0:28 am]

Y/N: i'm sorry [0:28 am]

Y/N: come baxk [0:28 am]

Y/N: please [0:29 am]

Y/N: sorry [0:29 am]

Y/N: :( [0:29 am]

[seen by Patrick Zweig]

[arent-we]

"Do you really love me?"

______

"Y/n what the f- stop being an over thinker. But I do, I really do."

_________________________________________

"Of course, I'll even let this world burn than you not on my side."

_________________________________________

"This world is nothing but ugliness but you make it beautiful."

_________________________________________

"Why would you even ask that? You already knew my answer."

_________________________________________

(Reminder: I'm not that good at writing!)

Mashle Characters. (Part 1)

_-_-_-_

Mash Burnedead.

Mash: Cream puff... Cream puff- "Y/n I was looking for you." The H/c girl was in the library in the late hours. "Do you want to eat cream puff with me?" The black hair young man asked the girl who still try to busy herself trough the books. "Is there a test?" He sits next to her, and takes out a cream puff. Handing it to her, "...You ignored me the whole day, It hurts." Finally she looks at him.

"Lemon? She's my friend." It doesn't help the H/c girl, it was clearly that, the blond hair girl likes him. "She clearly likes you." The mushroom head boy just silent and looking at her. "But I don't feel the same way as I do to you-"

"Do you really love me?" He didn't get it, of course he do. He only feels this feelings when he is near her.

"Why would you even ask that? You already knew my answer."

_________________________________________

Lance Crown.

"Didn't we should study together.?" The H/c girl almost throw the book at that boy but she didn't. "Well, I just wanna study myself."

"That's new to you. Yes I love you... Beside of Anna."

"How did you know, what I'm going to ask!?" The blue hair boy just looked at her and sits beside her, doing their daily study date.

"Y/n what the f- stop being an over thinker. But I do, I really do."

"I CAN'T!!!"

_________________________________________

Dot Barrett.

"My female lead-" "No. Go to that lemon of yours." Dot who just saw her, in the empty hallway. "What?? What do you mean-" The H/c girl pouts at him. "Love told me before, when I'm still not studying here. You said you're engaged to lemon."

"It was before!" Dot try to reason, there was now a girl who he really likes. Why would he even find someone else? "Do you really love me?"

"Y/n what the f- stop being an over thinker. But I do, I really do." Dot said sincerely, he appreciates her. Everything she do for him, he will not waste her, he rather injure himself if he did.

_________________________________________

Finn Ames.

An anxious boy was beside her, what did he do to make her not look at him? "Is there something wrong? Please let me know-!" The H/c girl looks at him and takes his hand. "You didn't did anything. It's just that, do you really love me?"

Of course he do, he'll even sacrifice himself for her. But she doesn't want him to do that, he was lucky to have her.

"Why would you even ask that? You already knew my answer."

"YOU'RE SO ADORABLE!!"

_________________________________________

Rayne Ames.

He was tired, but finally. He was about to rest, there was a H/c girl playing with his rabbits. "We doesn't spend time that much..."

"Sorry, I'll make it up for you okay?" He said before sitting on his bed, looking at her playing with his rabbits. "I'm their official mother you know." Rayne smiles a little, he doesn't deserve happiness but they give her to him.

"Do our relationship has it means.?" Now it's his time to overthink, did he didn't spend that much time to her? Did he neglected her? "Do you really love me?" He suddenly hugs her. She was saying something but he couldn't hear it, busy on his own thoughts.

"This world is nothing but ugliness but you make it beautiful."

_________________________________________

Orter Madl.

A H/c girl was knocking on his office, she looks mad. "You didn't came home for weeks!"

"My work is important-" before the dark brown man can finish his sentence. "And not me!? I always wait for you!" As someone as him, his glare is enough of others to silent. But she didn't, it's his wife after all. "You're overworking yourself again. Eat." She sat on a chair and looks at him, he also miss her cooking. The one who he really called home was her.

"I feel like this marriage doesn't working." He stand up and goes to her "and why would it, is it because I don't have time for you? My work is important and you know that." He said pushing up his glasses. "I know it is! But how about me? Am I not?" If he can let himself break a rule for her, then he can make a time for her. "I'm sorry. I know it's my fault, and for making you feel neglected."

"It's like your just been forced, do you really love me?" He didn't know that he makes her feel this way, he just wants the best for her. To be able to provide for her.

Don't mind the pics, just pick. (I can't find others)

"Of course, I'll even let this world burn than you not on my side." He needs to prioritize her, she's the only one who can make his day better that no one can.

_________________________________________

Part 2? (HAHAHAHA I changed this post a lot🙂)

[jqmalikhsgib]

quest

twelve

aaron was currently headed back to his office to finish up paperwork. they had just solved another case. the unsub had quite the cooling off period.

he was beyond exhausted. but he wanted to at least get started on the workload of paper work before heading home.

the rest of the team following behind him. they knew it was no use going home. they all had a feeling another case was coming. most likely because they’ve received one after the other just this week.

when aaron walks into his office he spots penelope, his wife, and his children. this brought a bit of a smile to his face.

“what’s this?”

“happy birthday!” aaron turns and spots his team. he laughs when he sees a stack of cupcakes. derek lights up the candle on top of the cupcake tower.

“make a wish, sir!” penelope states.

aaron laughs as he blows out his candle and gently kisses his wife.

“thought you deserved a nice surprise, hotch!”

“and a little bit of a break boss man. im willing to stay behind and take half of your paperwork.” derek tells him.

“same here. anything you need.” dave states.

“i appreciate that, but—”

“no buts! you deserve to go home, spend time with your kids, take a load off, maybe make another hotchner baby!” rossi finished. you blush at the insinuation.

you and aaron were still taking things slow. but that didn’t mean that heavy petting wasn’t involved. still, you’re both extremely frustrated.

“happy birthday, dad.” jack smiles at his father. aaron kisses the top of his head as he picks up his youngest son.

“did all this for papa, huh?”

theo nods. resting his head on his fathers shoulders.

he was the only one that called aaron papa. but aaron loved it. felt like they had their own little bond. he had different bonds with all his kids. he couldn’t wait to have more. which is something that the two of you needed to discuss. if anything dave just pushed him into wanting to start that conversation sooner than later.

“alright, i guess ill head home then. are you two sure you’re—”

“yes! now go!” derek chuckled. aaron nods as he grabs his family and heads out.

later that night, the kids are asleep, and you and aaron are getting ready for bed yourselves. aaron gets on his side of the bed.

you gently rest your head on his chest once he’s situated. he wraps his arms around you and holds you tight.

“darling?”

you simply hum in response.

“have you ever thought about more kids?”

it falls silent for a while. he nervously bites his bottom lip. you gently sigh. “yeah, i have.”

“and?”

“i—i always wanted a big family aaron. you know this. i just—i had a very complicated pregnancy with the triplets. im scared of going through that again.”

“i understand. have you thought about surrogacy?”

“i have. but if im gonna have another baby i wanna at least try myself you know? i—i know it sounds selfish but—i want you there next time. to be with me every step of the way.”

aaron smiles at that. he felt the same way. part of him wanting to have another baby to be present during it all. the mood swings, the labor, the early mornings, the first times—crawling, walking, teething— all of it!

“i want that too, yn.”

“so, one more wouldn’t hurt?”

“or two?”

you scoff at that. aaron just laughs before kissing the top of your head.

“when we’re ready? maybe we can try then?”

“id like that.” aaron states.

“goodnight aaron.”

“goodnight, yn.”

if you wanna be added or unadded to the taglist let me know

taglist:

@ivebeenthearchersstuff @shergoretzxx @slut4ethan @rosiehale23 @madesavage05 @whotfskai @vodkori @zaddyhotch @14buddy22 @rousethemouse

[roadkillremi]

SEQUEL to - Please, Don't kill me, Mr.Ghostface

Randy Meeks x Fem!Reader

Masterlist Part 2 on Masterlist

Warnings : mentions Sex, language, mentions dying, mentions Killing, Reader has hallucinations (If I miss anything let me know)

I do NOT support killing

Summary : After the 1996 Woods borrow murders, will you move on? Attending college with some old friends and making new ones. Your past stalking you at times making everything difficult.

"Can you tell me what you were thinking when he was going to kill your friends?"

The clocked ticked loudly on the wall, you fidgeted picking your nails.

"Disgusted, trapped, with myself to be exact. If I didn't say anything I'd get hurt. If I did if get hurt. There's nothing I could do about it."

She nodded scrabbling on the notebook paper.

"And it's said you stabbed Billy Loomis 17 times. Is that correct?"

"I didn't count. I just... Did it. It was either that or die."

"I know."

"I don't wanna talk about Billy." You looked out the window not being able to face her.

"Let's talk about your visions then.".

You nodded still looking out the window with a soft gaze.

"I got a call from your Aunt. She said according to the teacher you started yelling in class. Cause you saw... Them.".

You nodded, "Yes."

"They're dead they can't hurt you."

"I know. But nightmares can't die."

She sighed, "You're suffering from PTSD, it's not strange to suffer after a traumatic event. Sydney, Randy, and Gale are doing fine. Sydneys getting through it maybe you can talk to her-"

"Sydney's rich and popular. She has the ability... To be loved easily."

"You don't know Sydney's life-"

"But I know mine!" You turned to her.

"Tell me about school."

"People look at me like I'm a zombie or something. I mean since someone died the exams aren't a big deal... People think I'm a killer... Ever since Gale... Did a short read of her upcoming book..."

"Self defense is not murder."

"Yes, I know! Still hurts. The only reason I got into college is because of being a victim. I don't even know what to major in."

"Don't you like movies? Major in directing."

"that's Randy's thing. I love movies, but I don't wanna make them."

"just come up with a list and think it through. How's your sleeping been?"

You looked down at your lap, "It's hard to sleep. I have bad dreams and wake up.".

"have you tried a-"

"Routine. Yes. Sometimes Randy spends the night."

She raised her eyebrow, "Not like that!".

"Mhm." She wrote something down.

"Do you think im a killer?" You looked at her deeply. She looked up at you and didn't speak for a moment.

"I think you're an angry child with a rough past seeking the love you didn't have."

"That wasn't my question."

"No, you're not a killer."

"You hesitated."

"This isn't about me. Its about you."

Silence filled the room back up again.

"I'm scared I'll kill again."

You folded your graphic tees into a box. Music played in the background as you packed up. The last week you've been packing for college. Surprisingly Sydney asked to be roommates, you said yes.

Your room was almost empty now, you sat on your bed.

"Finally running away from here?"

Billy appeared next to you, he leaned down to see your face.

"You're not real."

"I'm real to you."

You didn't look towards him, you closed your eyes trying to focus on breathing.

"You can't shut me out!" He yelled.

"Go away, Billy!" You yelled back. Your Aunt rushed in at the sound of you yelling.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah, just a nightmare." You stood up.

"Okay. Well Randy called, he's on his way. So get ready to pack up his car." She gave a pathetic smile and walked away. You sighed putting shoes on before taking boxes near the front door. Randy pulled up walking in the house, ever since the killing he seemed to peak. He had more muscle and wore shirts that showed it, he even grew out a small beard. He wasn't the only thing that change in the summer though.

People around you took note about how you seemed more free than usual. You got to dress in clothes without Billy saying you looked whorish. Not only that but you randy had sex, a lot. In his car, in your room, even at his work. There was of course close calls but nothing to serious. He got better at sex the more you two did it. Sometimes it was passionate and loving, others were more rough and animalistic.

"God, I'm not gonna have room for all this!" Randy exclaimed mentioning the boxes. You rolled your eyes, "It's everything, clothes, bedding, school supplies, all of it.".

Randy grabbed a box letting out a small huff. You patted his back, "you got this.".

"You better help that boy!" Your Aunt yelled out.

"Yeah!" Randy mocked smiling. You grabbed a box following him to the car. The trunk had all of Randy's bags stuffed into there. He placed the boxes in the back seat. You huffed back and forth between the car and the house.

"That's all of them!" You yelled out to Randy. He slammed the car door shut, "Thank God!" He cried over dramatically.

Your Aunt hugged you tightly sniffling, "Call when you can. Stay safe.".

"I will, I love you." You hugged her back tightly.

Months later

You banged on Randy's door, "Randy Meeks! Get your ass up!". He got drunk with his roommate, Paul last night. He called you slurring his words telling you how much he loves you. He opened the door, "Sorry, I was getting dress!".

"You look like shit." You laughed. His hair a bit messy and bags under his eyes.

"You look amazing too, darling" he said in a British accent.

You walked to class with him holding his hand. Some girls snickered at you as you passed them. Randy glanced at them, "What's their problem?".

"Don't worry about it. You know how some women are, don't grow out of the popularity in high school." You sighed.

"Pfft, yeah tell me about it." He said leaning close to your ear. His hot breath tickling the side of your face.

A frisbee passed by in front of you two, "Couldn't have caught it?! Dick.." some guy said running after it.

"See?" Randy gestured. You rolled your eyes, "Come on Mr.Meeks we have a film class to get to!".

"You know how I get when you call me that." He joked. You jokingly gave him a look, "You'll just have to rub it out in the bathroom.". He smiled hugging you from behind picking you up a bit.

"Or I could fuck you when Paul's gone"

You laughed tapping his arm to let you go. "Poor Paul needs a break from us pounding like dogs in there." You said walking into the building. Randy caught up with you, "Well this dogs ready to pounce.". He sprayed mouth spray in his mouth winking at you.

[whotfletamothhyperfx]

Venting

TLDR: I’m not gonna be posting for a while sorry

I don’t know how much longer it’s gonna be until I have a total and utter meltdown/ breakdown whatever the worst one is cause it’s gonna happen soon. I just can’t deal with all this shit put onto me anymore, I already have enough to worry about with my exams but now I’ve got to worry about the fact I’m criminally underweight to the point that my shoulder blade got caught on my ribs and now Im in pain everyday of my life, I’ve got to deal with the fact my parents are having to pay for a private doctor that costs them hundreds per meetings. There’s a chance this might be permanent if I have it too long and I have no idea what to do if it’s already permanent, I’ll have chronic pain for the rest of my life. I can’t hold my arms above my head for even a minute without being exhausted,

I’ve got to deal with fact I’m pretty sure I’m depressed I just can’t feel anything anymore, and whenever I do feel stuff I’m sad or angry and I just can’t feel happy anymore. Every-time I do feel the slightest bit happy something comes and tears it away in literally minutes. Sleeping is all I do and eating makes me feel sick.

I can’t even let myself enjoy the things I do have because everything comes with the slightest bit of guilt. I buy books and I’m so tired I can’t pick them up. I buy games and I can’t leave my bed anymore. I can’t do a single thing without feeling guilty. I have to get my breakfasts carried to my room or I won’t eat until dinner and even then that’s all I eat. My parents are having to put protein powder like the things athletes take or I’m gonna end up more hurt. It’s never been this bad before.

I don’t have a single good thing happening in my life but still I’m forcing myself to act happy around people and I don’t even know why, I literally deleted this before because i thought it might be “too depressing” to post but ya know what? It’s my blog if I wanna scream to the void then it’s my void to scream into ya know? It’s funny that this is genuinly the only place I have to go. I can’t go to my parents, I can’t go to my friends. I don’t even know if I have friends anymore. I’m pretty sure my best friend is mad at me but I’m giving her space so I hope she isn’t mad at me

I love my parents, they’re trying so hard and I know they love me but god every time they talk to me it feels like something they say always ends up making me feel worse and I don’t even know why. Most of the time it’s just harmless jokes I spend the next weeks thinking of.

I’m so tired of just dealing with everything, I’ve not left my bed in weeks, my rooms a mess, I can’t eat and now I only sleep and draw. It’s all I do and I’m so stressed and tired and I just want to scream at someone and the notes app is getting to full of my angry thoughts so this is just me kinda hoping it’ll give me a rest. I’m really fucking tired.

So yeah if you read this far I probably won’t post for a while, I don’t have the energy.

[brybryby]

VERY LONG POST IM SORRY. DONT FEEL OBLIGED TO READ

HI. Alrighty, this has been on my mind for a while (ever since promotional content for Trials started being released).

I have a TON of analyses in the drafts, but I want to make this post before I release them for public viewing.

I know that I like to make goofy, light-hearted little fan animations and fan art of Outlast, but I think I need to start changing how I navigate through the content. After spending so much of my time deep diving and writing up these analyses, my eyes have been opened to just how much the franchise revolves around fucked up historical events. I feel that some of the stuff I've posted is tone deaf, or at least the way I posted about it is. And I think—for the most part—there's an understanding that I don't intend to be harmful, but I fear that the way I go about it **is**. (And obviously, action takes precedence over intent.)

For contextualization, when I initially got into Outlast at the age of 12, I was enthralled by the horror aesthetics and found a lot of the angsty gore to be cathartic. I felt so “taboo” and “scandalous” lol (especially as a developing child trying to understand myself amidst my puberty stage). I was young and—for lack of a better word—braindead in how I navigated the media. I was naive, mindless, ignorant, etc etc… Now that I have a deeper understanding of the narratives and historical implications/influences, I need to do better in how I interact with the franchise.

What am I getting at?

Pretty much, I'm working on being more careful with how I interact with the media. At the same time, I want the analyses that I post to be educational. And most importantly, please message me if I ever say some bullshit. Seriously. All I ever want to do with my life is to be a positive impact. I genuinely get upset if I cause harm to someone else. (One time I literally cried at a high school football game as a freshman because I thought I hurt someone else's feelings. It turned out they were faking it lmao. Then they started feeling bad and then that made me feel bad for crying and yea yea).

Seriously though. I know that my posts can get public outreach, and anything that has public outreach can be influential and have a good or bad impact. So please let me know if I do or say anything harmful or ignorant. I won't be offended. I don’t want to spread harmful stuff. There are many instances in my life where people sit me down to have meaningful conversations about shit I've said or done and how I can improve myself.

That said, I'll be posting more analyses and making my own syntheses of historical events. My next analysis post will be about Waylon's Asian-coding (specifically Korean-coding), how Trials actually supports this (using themes of US immigration), and why it is apparent to many Asian fans (including me, hehe).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's pretty much it. But if you wanna stick around a bit further, I'll tell you my (excruciatingly long) story about how I got into Outlast :) along with how much it has invaded my brain and life :') and maybe get a little ~personal~ hehe

STORYTIME:

So, the game came out in 2013. Nearly 10 years ago. I was 12 at the time of its release. Let me tell you…this game was a HUGE impact in the horror community. HOLY. SHIT. It changed the way I looked at lockers and beds. I remember it being critically acclaimed (and rightfully so). It may have not been the most technical video game, but it certainly was a piece of art.

I remember commercials being shown everywhere. The trailer of beta Miles Upshur running and parkouring through Mount Massive while being chased by the tiny beta model of Chris Walker will forever be canonized as part my childhood. I remember specifically heading to the bathroom from my living room and my dad interrupting me to say “Hey! Check this out!” and then proceeding to play the trailer for my 12-year-old eyes. I was scared shitless.

Couple weeks later, Conan O'Brien featured Outlast in one of his segments of “Clueless Gamer” (yeah, my family and I used to watch Conan lol). I was very familiar with Slender and Amnesia, which were the 2 other games featured in this Halloween special, but this was the first time I REALLY got to check out Outlast.

Now, let me preface that during this time, internet culture was very interesting and even less safe than it is today. I had a ton of bad experiences on the internet during my childhood. But oddly (and embarrassingly), the emo/scene/horror/creepypasta culture was what brought me comfort amongst a sea of awful things you could find on the internet. It was probably unhealthy for my developing brain, but I indulged in a lot of angst that was presented with heavy gore and violence. And to be honest, looking at this kind of stuff at a young age helped me process a lot of my own personal shit that I experienced outside of the internet realm. (To be clear, I don't endorse this type of violence, and I don't endorse exploring the internet in the same way I did as a child—it was probably very unhealthy and I think it caused some early development issues.)

But nothing—and I mean NOTHING—scratched that itch more than the way Outlast did. I watched the finger cutting scene in Conan's “Clueless Gamer” and was fucking mortified. I was scared of the dark for weeks. But I remember spending that night in my bedroom looking at more Outlast content to get that cathartic fix to fill my emotional hole of…I don't know…morbid curiosity? I definitely felt shame at the time. I don't know. In recent years, I've been on this journey to process stuff I experienced during my childhood and I struggle to go about my middle-school/junior-high stage because…I don't know…puberty? Access to the internet? I once got bullied by a forum of adult men for posting fan art LMAO. I was 12 years old—I forgot what the fan art even was. ANYWAYS, yea. That was only one instance of my conglomeration of internet experiences. (Like many other peeps, I had to hide my gender & racial identity to preserve my sanity). Indulging in gore art was therapeutic and helped me release negative emotions in a non-harmful way. Horror-genre communities online have been mostly friendly and welcoming towards me. That's probably why I fell in love with Outlast as an art rather than a video game.

I wasn't in the fandom straight off the bat. I had other hyper fixations at times but I navigated through these other fixations with this personal “Outlast standard” where the art and fiction I consumed needed to be horror-themed, gorey, or angsty. And Outlast isn't solely to blame. I was into gore and angst before the game came out. It just so happened that it came out at such a perfect time in my life. (Horror made my queer self feel accepted)

This whole “Outlast standard” stuck with me throughout high school. Uh… this next bit of information may get a little personal. During my sophomore year, someone really important in my life passed away. Then I had this life-impacting thing happen during my junior year that changed how I perceived things forever (lol, this sounds so dramatic). I turned to art to help me process and yada yada… but y'know what really helped? You know what I turned to when I needed to “scratch the itch”? (I bet you'll never guess)

I finally considered myself a part of the Outlast fandom in 2018-2019. I was a high school junior/senior and I posted the Outlast-Outkast animation that got retweeted by Red Barrels. Had a lot of fun in the fandom during that time and it helped get my mind off of things. Also, I loved the fact that Waylon graduated from Berkeley. I was applying to colleges during this time and it made me romanticize Berkeley, lol. I ended up getting accepted. Had an awesome time. I recently graduated and got my Bachelor's. I'm very privileged and gracious for my experience. I spent a lot of grueling time and energy dedicated towards my education.

During my college years, a lot of the unprocessed shit from my childhood started resurfacing and it was becoming hard to navigate through life. I became really disconnected with people who were close to me. Art started to fall out of my life. Stuff happened. Got in touch with psychiatrists thanks to my college's free health services. I don't mean to downplay or normalize what happened, but I'll bring up that many college students deal with mental illness and depression (and this could be attributed to many things: moving away from family, student-life, financial pressure, pressure to secure jobs/internships, living alone for the first time, maturing into an adult, etc. etc.).

But I remember sitting alone in my studio apartment one weekend and started surfing Tumblr. I came across new Outlast fan art and it sparked my hyper fixation all over again. I re-read the comics and—OKAY THIS IS GONNA SOUND FUCKING RIDICULOUS—but I started jogging because Miles went on jogs LMAOOAKJDGHJAHKGFL. I finally picked up the pencil and started drawing again (after like…months) and drew Miles and Waylon flipping off Murkoff. And THAT was when I realized what the narratives of Outlast were actually about—FUCKIN' CAPITALISM AAUGGGHHH. MY LITTLE POOPOO BRAIN AT AGE 12 NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. AND NOW THAT I'M AN ADULT—NOW THAT I CAN BLATANTLY SEE MYSELF AND MY PEERS AS VICTIMS/PRODUCTS OF CAPITALISM—CAN FINALLY FIND SO MUCH VALUE AND MEANING IN THIS GAME HHHRHRJGHKSDKFGLAJKDG SAY W H A T IM GONNA *explodes*

Then a year later, I started drawing more and more again. Trials' promotional marketing was becoming more prominent. I started posting my fan art on Tumblr. Then I made the fanimation (thank you Mr. Baichoo, you're so awesome, I will forever be a fan of yours) and now here I am. Still fixated on this silly little game for nearly 10 years. WHEW.

I FEEL LIKE A SHRIMP CHIP. Anyways, thanks. I much needed to get this off my chest.

Also, hey! Just wanted to say thanks for the friendly and welcoming interactions in this space. It feels so much safer and more comforting than previous internet experiences I've had. Since 2013, the fandom has evolved a lot. In my opinion, it has evolved for the better. The resurgence of new fans bring such refreshing perspectives and fields of knowledge that haven't been influenced by some of the harmful internet culture that I grew up in. So truly, many thanks to y'all for making the fandom space a nicer place (especially for such a heavy game). Also, what the heck, everyone in the fandom is seriously so talented and artistic

Uh… fan art time? (old stuff/sketches I haven’t posted)

But seriously if you got this far, thank you

[skyechild]

Wont let go

𖤐 pairing: Hyunjin x reader

𖤐 genre: angst :D

𖤐 warnings: just angst

𖤐 wc: 1.5k

𖤐 summary: You cant let go...

𖤐 notes: this hurt me writing, like i actually teared up. this is inspired but Till I Let Go by NEFFEX

𖤐 network and tag list: @cultofdionysusnet / @spooo00oky / @stravvberrymilksan /

You stare at the little flowers in your hand, sitting on the wet grass infront of a pile of rocks. Your gaze turns up towards the sky, smiling weakly as the clouds opened up and the rain drenched everything, mixing with the tears on your cheeks. “Is this you telling me not to cry?” Eyes closed as you pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes. “You always hated it when i cried. Especially if it was over you.” You choked on a watery laugh, placing the sad bundle of flowers next to the rocks.

“I cant move on Jin, i cant move on cause i cant let go. I just-” You looked down at the pile of rocks, the clearing in front of you filled with soft pink tulips. “You always said that we would live forever. But now...” You bit your lip, eyes burning. “Now you arent...here...” You let out a heart wrenching cry, covering your face. “Your jokes you pulled on everyone.” You sobbed, adjusting to lay down, facing the sky. 

“The pain makes it real, i dont want to feel...i just wanna kill the bad thoughts and steal a good thought.” You whispered, smiling at the faint feeling of a brush against your cheek. “I hate feeling broken.” You clenched your fists. “I drown in our memories, Hyunjin. I wonder if you can hear me.”

“I feel so lost, im never at home. This is the first time ive been out in two weeks.” You smiled softly. “You always were such a good listener.” You giggled wetly, watching the sky get darker. “What i just lay here with you?” You turned onto your side, hair sticking to your neck and forehead. “Just for tonight. We can stargaze together? Sounds good right?” You smiled, bringing your legs up to your chest and playing with the ring on your finger. “You promised we would get married...you remember that right?” You smile softly. 

“Jisung and Felix have been trying to talk to me, trying to get me out of the house. The bed still smells like you...” You whisper, stroking the wet grass . “Ive been wearing your clothes.” You thumbed the stem of a flower. “You would be nagging at me to take care of myself...dont worry ive been trying. I’ve been eating and taking showers.” You breathed deeply. “But i spend most of my time in our bed, surfing through memories. The ones we have on our phones and on the computer.”

You cried softly. “I just...i miss you so much Hyunjin.” You hiccupped, gripping a patch of grass. “Im never going to let go.” You sniffled. “Im not going to move on.” You sobbed, curling into yourself. “I knows its not healthy but I made you a promise. You made it to. Its us against the world. Us forever.” You smiled. “I just wish you wouldve opened your eyes. Let me hear your voice and your laugh. Hold your hand and hug you.” You cried softly, resting your head on the grass.

“I just want to see you again...” You whimpered, closing your eyes. “I need time to heal...” You whispered, gripping your chest. “Hyunjin...” You choked out his name. “I hope they dont take me away from you again...i wouldnt be able to take it. Chris will probably come though. He seems to know where i am all the time.” You joked through tears. 

“Remember when we went on that Ferris wheel? I was so scared and you thought rocking it would be funny?” You chuckled, sniffling. “We had our first kiss there...its also where you said you wanted to propose.” You smiled. “Since we had so many memories there.”

“I cant forget how you some how lost me that day. im not even that much shorter then you. But you found me, like you always do.” You hiccupped softly. “Remember when we took that trip to Australia?” You smiled, giggling at the memory. “You got so scared when we went to the rescue sanctuary. All the dingos and the roos.” You sighed. “Of all the animals, you got scared of the Tasmanian devils.” You chuckled. “I can imagine your whine to that.” You let your clothes soak in the water, leaving you soaked in the clearing you and Hyunjin had claimed as yours. 

“I would have done anything to keep you here. To keep you with me and alive.” You whispered, already hearing the sound of tires on gravel. “After you, its always Chris that would find me. I can hear him now y’know?” You chuckled lightly. “Hes almost here, they probably got into my apartment since i wasnt answering the door. You gave him an extra key remember.” You wiped your nose on your wet sleeve. “Why did you leave me.” You whispered, shifting to curl around the pile of rocks. “I know you wouldnt hang out at your grave, you said you would always be here, roam around in this clearing.”

You heard the tires get closer. “I can feel you around sometimes.” You looked through the tulips. “Barely there touches, a could pressure on my cheek.” You smiled. “You never did leave me, just physically. Youre here with me.” You heard the car stop a bit away, not wanting to ruin any of the flowers. “Chris is here now. He is probably coming to get me.” You touched one of the rocks, stroking the smooth surface. “I hate emotions my love. Why did you leave me with these?” You could hear Chris’ steps coming closer.

You sighed, closing your eyes and taking a breath. “I guess he wont let us stargaze huh.” It was still pouring rain and you could barely hear your last words through the rain. “Probably going to storm tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to leave your place as you heard the squish of Chris’ shoes against the wet grass.

“I knew id find you here.” You could barely hear Chris over the rain. He came and kneeled next to you. “Lets go home Y/n.” You shook your head. “This is my home, hes my home Chris....ill never be home again.” You murmured and the rain started to let up. “He wouldnt want you to get sick.” You stayed quiet. “Youve been gone for a few hours....the others are worried.” He spoke, placing a warm hand on your head. “I cant even see his parents Chris.” You cried softly. “He looks just like them and my heart hurts everytime.” He nodded, stroking your head. “How about we come back tomorrow ok?” You shake your head. 

“Baby i hate to say it but...i dont trust you alone...” You sniffled. “I know you miss him love. “Im not going to move on from him. Or let go of him.” You whispered. “I dont want anyone else.” Chris sighed. “I know love, and i can reassure you that he knows too. But we have to go, youve been out here too long and i know youre going to get sick. Meaning the kids are going to come and baby you.” You smiled slightly before moving and slowly getting up. “Take a warm shower then change into warm clothes. Felix and Jisung are already there, Felix is probably stress baking. Jisung is probably slowly losing it.”

You nodding, letting him help you up as your legs wobbled. “Chris?” He hummed, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you up. “Why did he leave me?” He smiled sadly. “Love, he didnt do it on purpose. He was just driving.” You shook your head. “Why did i survive and not die with him?” Chris shook his head, getting you into the car and turning it on, letting the air slowly warm you up. You stared out the window, jolting when a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Chris smiled as he starts to drive you both back to your house, your eyes watching the clearing til you could no longer keep it in eyesight. You stared out the window, quiet.

Thats the most you had talked to someone since the time Hyunjin left your side. Radio silence is what everyone had been getting from you since it happened. You stayed in your seat once he pulled up to your house. “We are home.” You shook your head. Its not home if Hyunjin isnt here. He smiled faintly before coming over to help you out as your front door swung open. His head snapped over to the door, giving them a look. They stopped in their spot, watching as he led you into the house. “Go shower, change too and we will be here.” You turned your gaze to Jisung and Felix. “Can you guys stay?” They nodded rapidly.

You looked back at Chris then towards the others. “Can one of you...stand by the door while i shower? I dont...I dont like how quiet it is now.” Chris nodded. “Ill be right behind you.”

[frogsare-friends]

I'm Not Built for Helping Myself

chapter index | part 2 (you're here)

- BELLY -

I don't know what you're supposed to do when someone's hurt. Let alone when they're hurting. That was Susannah's job, and if not her, then Jeremiah. But Jeremiah's the one hurting and Susannah is gone and I don't know if anything will ever be okay again.

"It's alright Jere, you're alright. How about you brush your teeth?" I'm trying to focus on anything but the tears rolling down his face. If I can just get him cleaned up and to his room, I can figure out how to help on the way there. What can you do for something that can't be fixed? Something that can't be made better?

"Come on, baby. Brush your teeth and then we'll go lay down."

" 'm sorry, Bells. I didn't mean to." Jere looks like he's about to start crying again, so I get him cleaned up and both of us into more comfortable clothes. I'm telling him that it's okay — because it is, I'm not a monster that's gonna be mad at my boyfriend for being sick — but he just keeps apologizing.

We're finally laying on his bed when I break the silence.

"Do you wanna talk about it, baby?" I'm not quite sure what to say, but I hope this is a safe way to start this conversation. I hope wrong.

He does start crying again this time, and I feel my heart shatter. Jesus, I can't do this. I can't fix this, can't make him feel better like I know he would for me. I want to give him the world, but I don't know how to. Sometimes I wonder why he even wants to be with me, I can never be for him what he is for me.

"Jere, what happened? I need you to talk to me." But I'll always try to be everything he needs. No matter what.

"That was mom's dress," he answers, in about the faintest tone I've ever heard come from him.

"She gave it to me at Thanksgiving. I didn't think about it, I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault Bells," then, "just miss her. Miss how it used to be. Remember when we used to go play dress up with her stuff?"

Of course I remember it, I remember how he'd make me laugh and twirl me around in Susannah's tallest heels. I remember forcing him into her dresses just to make me laugh, I remember Susannah's fake exasperated sigh when she caught us — a smile and grimace hidden behind it, like she was happy but knew it couldn't last — I remember her warning to stay out of her room the week that Mr. Fisher was there. She didn't say that he was the reason, but she never told us to stop, so it was pretty easy to figure out why she had now.

I remember the look on Adam's face when we didn't listen to her, the look on Jeremiah's after I left them to their "private chat." I had tried to tell Mom and Susannah what had happened, but before I could say anything the yelling started. The yelling only ever happened when Adam was in town.

I remember when I used to be obsessed with Conrad. Once, Adam had taken Conrad out on the boat, and, of course, left Jeremiah. I had been so worried trying to figure out why Jeremiah had even wanted to go with him. All I could see was Adam yelling at Conrad, telling him he expects better. When I got older, I remembered that he'd spend his entire trips yelling at Conrad, and only a handful of times at Jeremiah. It used to make me feel bad for Conrad, like Adam liked him less. But really, Adam liked him more, he just didn't care about Jeremiah at all. That didn't make the yelling right, though.

I'm not sure what happened during Jeremiah's freshman year, and Conrad's sophomore, that changed them. But it must've been something bad. Everyone always paid more attention to Conrad, but they were still a team, then. Conrad protecting Jeremiah, and Jeremiah protecting Conrad. One summer they were normal, then the next they weren't. Susannah kept trying to see if we knew what happened, but they didn't tell anyone. It got more normal after that, but it never went back to what it was. I was always too scared to ask, too scared to hear what had finally crossed the point of no return. I had heard them fight before, they'd say the meanest things — even though it was more Conrad's arsenal than Jeremiah's, I knew Jere could bottle it up for longer, knew what he had to say could hurt more — I was scared to know which one of them had said it. Maybe it had been both of them.

I didn't wanna know, but I had never been so curious.

[trashbag-baby666]

Another request from my discord friend 🫶🏻! Had lots of fun writing this one.

The Maple Tree-Luztoye

Summary: bad nights with happy memories.

WC: 1,231

C/W: mentions of a car accident and depression.

BofB Masterlist!

Request Prompts List!

"Can you hand me that cup?" Joe's voice was raspy and he wasn't awake enough to really process his words.

"Yeah," George said. His voice was softer than usual, it felt like laying on a pillow of clouds. George grabbed the cup of water off his side of the nightstand and handed it to Joe.

"How're you feeling?" George kept his voice just as gentle, Joe propping himself up with an elbow as he downed the rest of the water in the glass.

"I'll get you some more." Joe said as he went to get up, George rested a hand on his bicep.

"No, it's okay I'll go fill it." George didn't know why he was still awake, maybe to make sure if Joe needed him he was here?

George had been away for a week visiting with his family after Grandma Lip had passed away.

He knew Joe didn't like being alone, that when he was alone his brain would make the most noise.

Joe watched as George disappeared into the hallway. The sound of the faucet running echoed through the silence of the apartment.

They'd been occupying these walls for five years now. Joe knew George wanted to buy a house. He was sick of renting and dealing with landlords.

"See, when we get that house we can spend our Saturday mornings at Home Depot picking out our next home project." George smiled, laying his head back on Joe's lap as he looked up at the branches of the giant maple tree above them.

"So I can spend my afternoons building a deck while you have a glass of wine with Babe and Daisy in the kitchen. With the flooring I did myself?" Joe chuckled, running a hand through George's fluffy brown hair.

"But what if I make you a pitcher of my Ma's best lemonade?" George held Joe's hand tight, giving it a firm squeeze.

"Joe," George said again, pulling his husband from his thoughts. That was one of Joe's favorite days, it happened two years ago. They had put an offer in on a beautiful town house and it was looking good for them.

Then the car accident happened and Joe lost his leg. They had to withdraw from getting the house, they barely could afford the hospital bills from Joe's stay and multiple surgeries.

Joe was on leave from work and George was working overtime. He was killing himself at work and having to come home and take care of Joe.

Joe felt like he really ruined George's life and now he'd be stuck in debt because of him.

"Sorry," Joe sighed, taking the cup and taking another drink before setting the cup down and lying back staring at the ceiling.

"Were you thinking about the maple tree again?" George laid down next to him on the bed and laid his head on Joe's chest. Joe knew how much George liked to hear his heartbeat. It kept the two of them centered.

Reminded them that they were human.

"Yeah," Joe breathed out resting a hand on the small of George's back. That's what they called Joes memory of that day. The day before the accident that had happened on Joes way home from work.

When he was ready to open back up to George after a long, six, terrible months of healing. He told him about how on his worst days he'd think about the day. Where George lay in his lap under the maple tree in the park by their apartment.

But it was the distance between the two of them they had this week. It was George's second night back and Joe was still deep in his head.

It was the longest they'd been apart from each other since Joes accident.

He had missed all of George's touches. The one that him feel safe and calmed. From the thumping chest and his uneven breathes of anxiety.

When he'd massage Joes stump from phantom pains.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here," George breathed out and gently rubbed Joes toned bicep, "I wish you would've called me if you were hurting."

"Didn't wanna bother you, knew your family was having a hard time." Joe sighed feeling a little guilty he didn't go to the funeral. But Joe was held up with a project at his garage and couldn't get off.

Grandma Lip was everyone's favorite, she was so kind and caring of everyone. Made sure her son always knew he had someone willing to help with the twins when Ron was deployed.

Grandma Lip had been so excited at the wedding that Joe and George were actually getting married.

"I know, honey but you're my favorite person in the world and I don't like when you're upset." George turned his head to look at Joe.

"Yeah but I should be able to handle having my husband leave for a week for a funeral. Then within those days go manic because he's not here." Joe sighed out.

"Joe don't ever say that about yourself. You're trying so hard and I'm proud of you for trying. I know how hard it is." George moved off of him and laid his head on the pillow next to his. George rested his hand on Joes cheek turning his head gently.

Joe would get embarrassed when George would tell people about Joes progress when he was healing. Didn't understand why George was proud of him.

"Yeah today Joe really showed those stairs who they were messing with."  George smiled as he sat on the couch talking to Daisy between her back to back concerts.

Joe was lying in the bedroom where he spent most of his days. He was only 24 he wasn't supposed to be ready to roll over and die.

"I'm so proud of him Daisy. He always gets so flustered when I tell him that." Joe could hear the soft smile resting on George's face when he said that.

"You know he's just been really hard on himself  lately. He's pushing himself really hard and I've been trying to get him to slow down a bit." George sighed.

"I think after tax season we could afford to put in for a house." George smiled rubbing Joes chest.

"I know I'm making less are you sure you want to do that?" Joe looked at him.

Joe had taken a pay cut after his accident. He couldn't stand in the shop as long as he could before when working on cars. So now he was doing some marketing stuff and it was a bit of a pay decrease.

"I can afford it and we want this." George found Joes hand and held it tight, "Look I was looking at it with Ma the other day and it's accessible. It would be just perfect. Arguably it might be better than the first one."

"Nothing could be as good as the first one." Joe smiled, it was true that house was literal perfection.

It wasn't too expensive and it had all upgraded appliances and new flooring and siding. It was in a really good neighborhood that was a newer addition to town. By a really good school with really good parks.

"You're right about that, Mr. Toye." George giggled his cute crooked smile shining out for Joe to see, "Maybe this time around I'll help you with the projects and not drink wine."

[limeswithlemons]

my therapist said she knows exactly who i am while we were talking about how i don't know myself.

it scares the fuck out of me that she could know who i am when i don't. and it scares me that she notices everything. i'm so afraid to disappoint her when i tell her that i've been having so many setbacks recently. brushing my teeth is hard. showering is even harder. getting out of bed is also really hard.

i feel so incredibly disconnected from everyone and i dont know how to get it back.

my therapist recommended that i try to connect with myself first and see how that goes, but i'm having a really hard time even doing that. how am i supposed to connect with myself? i drove 45 minutes to get away from the light pollution because i wanted to watch the sunrise. instead, it rained, so all i saw were clouds. so i sat in my car, listening to the sound of the rain drops on the roof. it did feel peaceful, and i'm sure it'd have seemed even more so had i not been so fucking sad. everything is just so fucked right now. the only thing that's kind of working is my sleep, but even then, i keep waking up. i keep thinking about how different my life is now and how much it's going to continue to change.

i just want peace. a moment of peace. but every time i get close to that, i do something to fuck it up. because i am so terrified when something is calm. calm is unsafe for me. i was surrounded by so much chaos and when he was calm, i always knew it was a bad sign. i feel like i sabotage everything and i wish i could stop myself but i just get so afraid.

this is all so incredibly frustrating. i wanna go to a rage room, but i don't wanna do something that's going to make me feel closer to him in that way. i can't become like my father. i cant become like him, i cant become like him, i cant become like him.

but what if i already am? and it's already too late for me to turn back? what if everything about me that appears good is actually not good, and what if i end up hurting everybody that i think i care about? and not only will i have hurt them all, but i will also be alone. so deeply alone and terrified. what if i've just manipulated everybody into thinking i'm a kind person and i actually just really really suck? or what if there's only so much improvement that i'm capable of? and if i've reached that, where do i go from there?

it seems so much easier to stop caring. to stop trying to heal. it's just so fucking exhausting to be going down this road. i wanna believe that i deserve to be doing this. i really do. i wanna believe that i deserve peace and calm and kindness and gentleness, but what if i don't? i am spending so much time and money and energy on therapy and unlearning and relearning shit. i just am so fucking tired. i wish my therapist could just open up my brain and fix it and put me back together. but she can't. so next week i'll be sitting across from her on the couch, and i'll tell her about this, and she'll write everything down and look at me with her too kind brown eyes. and she'll try to give me reassurance but i don't know if i'll be able to believe it. and at this point i don't think i'll be able to keep myself from crying.

[misscammiedawn]

What is your favorite angry song? Gets your heart pumping angry, dancing around angry and maybe screaming angry.

Thank you for asking, Linny. To my Tumblr audience, I have been quiet about it on this side but I am healing from major surgery and am bed-ridden for the next 3-5 weeks. Linny is sending me a number of asks to help me pass the time.

This question deserves a full answer:

When I was a teenager I used to be big into Papa Roach and Linkin Park. My Rush obsession existed, of course, that is a constant with me... but Rush don't do angry songs. Given I was Going Through Some Shit back then, listening to Hybrid Theory a lot was good for my deeply angry part. The dominant portion of my soul back then that needed to survive being kicked out (twice) and navigate having to work 12+ hour shifts at my temp job to keep myself from sinking further into the rocks of rock bottom.

There was always something so soothing about just getting that catharsis of screaming out via miming along as my disc span inside the work computer. 12 pound disc, 6 pound headphones. A worthy purchase at a time when shutting off my brain and just doing my job was needed.

I think Papa Roach's Infest album got the most play and Broken Home was my favorite at that rage fueled part of my life.

I mellowed out a lot in the past 20 years and these days most of my "angry" music is just BPD music so when I am hurting and upset I tend towards Left At London. Nat's music is trans-BPD sicko mode music and her anthem is Pills & Good Advice, a song about being discharged from a mental facility and the odyssey of trying to get by, being understood and the vague acceptance that none of this is going to go away and no one can save you from it from the outside.

Kudzu is also one I like to project on. The song is more from the perspective of addiction with the kudzu/addictive substance "taking over your garden" but every time I listen and hear "can I stay one more night until I go home" I think literal terms and remember the multiple people who have hosted me in the past and how I used their charity until it all went away. How many people had I selfishly used up all I could use from them until they ran out of love and patience for me?

I listen to that song and get angry at me.

Which isn't what I typically want.

With Pills & Good Advice it is more cathartic. Particularly the climax of the song:

Start to climb, and then I get a little higher (Higher)

I'm a coward, it don't matter what I do (Higher)

From "I can't do it anymore" to "I can't do it, I can't do it"

Told myself I wanna die

So how am I supposed to prove it now?

Spend too many of my minutes getting higher (Higher)

I've attempted way too much to even count (Higher)

I've been committed, but committed to the people that I love

And if I try to love myself, I guess that I could live forever crying

Also the Blacknwhite single is really good for conveying what Splitting feels like within BPD.

(I can find another)

But I'll never find another you again

I've been splitting 'cause it's better than admitting

That it's something that I can't control

I was livid, what you did was nothing easily forgiven

Yet I couldn't let go

And I bet all your friends say, "I'm glad that she's gone"

Then you have Screen Violence by CHVRCHES which is an album that just resonates with me and how I felt between 2019 and 2021 when I burned my life to the ground a 3rd time. I am not proud of my actions... but god it feels good when you can listen to a song and feel like you may not have done the "right" things, but you did something that someone, somewhere can understand well enough to put in to poetry.

Anger being my core emotion is not something I am proud of either. But it's better spent on music than on people.

[tranquil1es]

you knew my entire life story. you knew all the trauma and the pain, the abandonment, my biggest fears. you took advantage of it. you met me when i was vulnerable. became my therapist. i trusted you. it just clicked from the very first moment. which it never does for me, with anyone. we grew really close. learned more and more about esch other throughout time. i should have seen new years as the biggest warning sign of them all. intentionally playing with my feeligs. just for fun. hurting me. just for fun. just seeing how far you could go. not because you actually wanted to, bit just for fun. i forgave. ypu betrayed my trust really badly and my trust in you was higher than in anyone else, but i forgave you. and after meeting on my birthday, the love bombing started. i didnt even realize it. i was oblivious to it. this is how its supposed to be, no? i shouldve payed closer attention to the weeks afterwards. how your entire behavior changed. i shouldve payed more attention to the details over time when we were friends. having had a phase where you play with girls feelings for fun for your own amusement just to drop them afterwards. but that was long in the past right? i mean, you promised that, and your promises hold value, right? i was a delusional little puppy following along anything. wouldve done anything for you, wouldve done anything you asked for. didnt ask for anything back in return. busy? oh yea, i get that, your days are packed. energy‘s low. busy again? no problem, i told you, no need to feel bad about it!!

„theres gonna be more time from now on“

im so happy, so excited

„sorry i dont really feel like doing anything today, im too mentally drained“

„oh okay, no problem!“

„we can play a game of val or 2 before bed“

„oh my god YES ofcourse im omw“

„today ill be pretty busy so i wont be messaging much“

„and thats okay, have a lovely day anyways and just update me whenever!“

„im gonna be off school all day tomorrow“

„omg yay“

„oh but i forgot to tell you, i want that day all to myself. phone on dnd, no family, no friends, no you, just me“

„oh okay, just let me know whenever you feel better“

„i got my shift plan for next month and can manage to come visit again next month!!“

„already?“

„i mean, yea, its gonna have been over a month by then and i have the financial needs, quality time irl and seeing each other regularly is very important no“

„im gonma be very busy around that time and wont have much time to spend with you, id rather we prolong it till april or may when im more free“

„but i just wanna see you, i dont mind only actually seeing you for maybe 2 hours a day while youre home before bed, i dont mind youll be exhausted, i dont need much i wont be a bother, i just wanna ve there, its so much better than waiting months when you live hours away and the means are there“

„i promise i wont be a bother, ill sit there quietly and just eat dinner next to you and leave you be when you feel too exhausted, i just wanna see you“

„you do realize once you go back home youll get allll of my freetime, right? when doing my assignments i want to sit on call with you just so we can enjoy esch others company“

„video calls, ill set everything up for it“ yet the only one who turned on their cam every single time was me

its weird how the moment you broke up you suddenly had all the time in the world to queue as many games as you want and do whatever

[solsticejrnl]

Quarter :P

Trying to account for 366 days is doable, but I wanna break it into more feasible quarterly stuff. I've had 2 weeks to just be, and I started spring semester a week ago so I've found my footing and groove in my schoolwork. Now, I wanna actually consider the goals I want to achieve by March. I'm thinking off the top of my head about what I want that is feasible if I put the excuses aside and work for it by then.

The first thing that came to mind is fitness. Today I did yoga, which was good. I did it for an hour before my first class. After rotting in bed, I got out of bed, and that's what matters. No gym because I didn't wake up early enough and the machines were taken when I got back to my dorm. That's an excuse. I need to start 3x a week gym and daily yoga and stretching until I have enough endurance to add in pilates exercises. I KNOW what I want to look like and I don't think I truly have it in me to keep being the one staring and wishing I were someone else. we gotta switch the roles, and quickly. my goal is temi ojora. yes I have an unhealthy fixation on her, but she's just so aspirational. she runs track so maybe its her, maybe its track body but I need to get my ass up rn if this is my goal.

Like I don't even want to compare, but she stands out physically among people, and I wanna do the same! I have the platform: long limbs, long torso, long legs, straight shoulders etc etc etc I just need to get to work.

The next is nutrition. Now, today I ate one meal bc I'm busy and I'm trying to downsize my appetite forreal. I'm trying the whole 80% health and nutrition and 20% indulgence thing rn and honestly just thugging out my cravings. no liquid cals, no crazy sweet treats, no greasy fast food, no junk snacks. my chest hurt writing that bc i ate a burger and 2 cookies yesterday, and i could honestly conquer the world at that point ughhh. but today the dining served literal slop so i ate white rice with spinach and pulled pork just so i could have flavor on the rice and I intentionally didn't finish. but I'm doing better with nutrition lowkey. I'm tall asf I burn mad calories anyways.

SCHOOL. I'm doing this project, and it's lowkey crushing me. I have a civil engineering class and architecture ones. I just want to chillllll bro. But I want the life any way I might as well be willing to think. I'm on the dean's list already. I wanna get on the president's list this semester, so I'm trying to get there by all means.

I'm tired of being broke so I'm getting a job. I already applied and got a callback so I'm actually bringing them my documents tmr. i just want my first-ever paycheck bro. I feel soooo bad spending bc I have no money ever bc I only get an allowance. if I had a job I could get credit and do things and actually feel grown.

I've been feeling things and the things are feeling like I'm missing something. I feel like I need to do more inner work. I place too much value on people outside of me and look for attention in all the wrong places, I stay in situations due to attachment, I'm not self-aware, and I need to get myself together and find motivation out of mediocrity. I'm gonna go back to therapy and have actual goals for it instead of just venting and leaving.

So yeah this quarter is about me: my mind, my body, my money, and my relationship to myself and to work and to my situation.

if it is a situation i can correct, then wtf am I waiting for. My actions simply must align with my goals.

[coristophanes]

Well this post certainly isn't going to go in the direction I had thought my first post would go when I made this account a few days ago but I told myself that this account for just kinda posting whatever comes to mind; Like a journal of sorts.

I doubt anyone will end up reading this but if you do, I do know that this could be posted privately, but my brain tells me that if it's private there's no point in writing it at all when I could just keep it in. Also I don't know how tumblr is supposed to work but I don't really care. Wow this mobile formatting bothers me. I also don't think I used the semicolon right but I care even less about that.

I'm gonna be talking about mental health and suicide so trigger warnings or whatever.

---------------------

So uh how to start. In my experience, whenever people talk about suicide or whenever it's protrayed in media, it's always a lingering thing, you know? It's always talked about like this monster looming over a person and all it takes is one particularly bad day for it to get close enough to get you. It builds and it lingers and it just always hurts. For so many that's just how it is I'm sure.

I've had my share of suicidal thoughts, they've never gone further than that but they happen. But I feel like my experience is different than the lingering monster. At least I think it is but I'm not really sure, which is part of why I feel the need to write it out. My suicidal thoughts aren't lingering, they're reactive. They happen in response to things that upset me, even just minorly.

I struggle greatly with self worth. Its not that I feel inadequate but more that I feel purposeless? I guess? I'm capable of so much, I know that I am, but I'm unable to use that. I've tried furthering my education, developing a career, going to the gym, taking care of myself better. I can never manage. It starts out strong but lose focus. School in particular was tough because the littlest fuck ups snowball. All it took was a single missed assignment to cause a domino effect leading to me literally missing 80% of all my classes and classwork.

I don't really know where I'm going with this but I think I got off topic. The littlest mistake, embarrassment, bad memory, anything, is enough to pop into my head the idea of "it would be so easy to just do ___ and have it all be over with." And then it's gone. Either I push it out or or it just leaves and I don't think about it until the next time. The thing that spurred all this on in particular is that I've spent too much money recently. Was laying in bed, thought about my spending and then just "this sucks, I suppose I could just end it." Only reason I'm thinking about it now is because I've chosen to think about it because you know... Probably not a healthy mindset to have.

But when I got to writing the first part of this post I started thinking "is this really different from the looming monster metaphor" (not my best work). Sure it's not inherently the direct nono thoughts always looming over me, but those triggering thoughts absolutely are. I find myself always needing some kind of distraction lest the thoughts creep in. I watch so much Netflix and YouTube and tiktok, etc, just to keep the thoughts from rearing their ugly lil heads. Even as we speak, or I guess as I write, I'm rewatching suits on Netflix in a little popout window on my phone (if your curious where I am, Mike just got arrested for being a fraud). Notably, I don't typically listen to music because I'm still able to empty my head when I listen to music, leaving it open for the thoughts I don't wanna deal with.

Honestly I don't know where to go with all this at this point. I'm kinda out of thoughts to write down. Uhh might see Oppenheimer next week, that'll be fun. Maybe barbie too, idk about that one though, kinda harkens back to the spending problem.

Harkens? Did I use that right? I'm gonna assume I did. I probably didn't but who cares, whats gonna happen? The nonexistent reader gonna make imaginary funny of me for harkening wrong? I think not.

This was never the intent of this account. I thought I was gonna be funny and just kinda post random 'quirky' thoughts but uhhh I do think there's gonna be more of these in the future because it felt good to get this off my chest.

Future Topics you can look forward to [or dread]:

- My emotions [or lack thereof]

- My relationship and why I think it's struggling [spoiler alert: I might be aro but I have no idea]

- Why I randomly changed from round to square brackets [I didn't feel like fixing them once I noticed]

- quirky silly goofy Minecraft Roleplay Server trauma (trauma might be a little strong but the hyperbole makes it funny.)

- Cheese probably. Idk why or when but cheese is important to me and I'm gonna discuss it eventually.

- the fact I think I have ADHD or some other neurodivegency (but you'll never catch me telling someone because I despise self diagnosis)

- hyperfixation of the week

- the fact that I accidentally went back to round brackets

- the fact that this list is way too long now but I don't really care to delete any of them but like whatever? Nobody is reading this. Probably. Like I said idk how tumblr works.

Uhhh anyway bye.

Sike I realized my about me section isn't actually made yet so breif background info I should probably put at the top but uhh fuck you.

Cori, 22, Agender(ish), Use any pronouns but if you ask me which ones I use I'll tell you they/them otherwise you'll end up using exclusively he/him and I don't want that because that is incorrect, sorry. Canadian... If that's relevant. I like purple. Big fan of Satyrs. Love D&D. Not straight but don't ask me what I am or I might have to kill you (I don't know). Fun fact: approximately 65% of the crushes I had while in pre-post-secondary school ended up realizing they're actually various flavours of transmasc (one's actually Triple A but don't worry about it).

None of this is relevant, but my episode of suits ended so I'm just kinda rambling until I can find a good point to stop typing, otherwise return of the bad thoughts. I hope tumblr posts don't have a word limit (looking at you twitter [or should I say 'X'] {I shouldn't say X, X is stupid})

Wait this is already and incoherent disaster I can just stop now.

K byeeeeeee