#dad hozier

[crimsonred-hi]

What do you mean grey?!

Pairing: dad!Andrew Hozier-Byrne x wife!Reader

Warning: aging

Summary: Andrew with his beautiful hair and beard, he’s very proud of them both: of the length, the colour, the health of it. And one day, one very long day, where he’s spent his whole day being stern dad to his daughter, and at the end he gets in bed with his wife and the mother of his child just for her to notice something in his hair.

He falls into be at the end of the day, feeling like his joints are about to separate. He can’t even turn his head to look at his wife.

“Andy?… what’s the matter, handsome?”

He hums, not really wanting to speak. Their daughter, Mavis Raine Hozier-Byrne, is a little shit, well not really, she’s got ADHD like her mother [I have ADHD, I’m projecting a bit] so she’s a little bit bouncy… hyperactive. She’s hyperactive. And Andrew took her to see his parents house, and the little lass didn’t really register to be careful with her grandpa. There was a lot of stress on Andrew and his mother’s part, but Andrew’s dad didn’t really give a shit because he was too busy enjoying his time with Mavis.

He sighs, thinking back on the day, finally turning his head to his wife’s side of the bed. She runs a hand though his hair, scratching his scalp, making him sigh.

“Was she being difficult?”

He nods, fluttering his eyes to look at her, his eyelashes are really long and very ginger, and with the current sun in Ireland his cheeks are covered in freckles and all his hair has lightened to a red auburn colour.

“Oh-“

What was that? He looks up at her confused, why did she go ‘oh’?

“What’s the matter, honey…?”

She looks back at him, not knowing what to say to him, glancing back and forth between his eyes and his hair.

“Just…… a few strands of grey…”

He shoots up, all that tiredness from seconds ago is gone, as he shoots up to go to your bathroom to look at his hair.

Fucking grey hair. In his mane and beard.

“I’m going fuckin grey! I’m not old enough to go grey! Why am I going grey!”

She laughs at him, giggling, moving up to cuddle into his side. She slots herself in his side, her hand on his stomach and her head on his shoulder.

“Honey. I’m going fuckin grey.”

She looks up at him smiling,

“Nothing wrong with it… plus, because your a red head, your hair is gonna go white and not grey.”

“WHITE!”

“Mammy?… da?… why are ya yelling?…”

A small girl with curly, auburn hair, walking into her parents ensuite bathroom after being awoken by her dad’s yelling.

His wife hits his chest, then giggling (trying to wind him up more),

“Look at that, you’ve got a grey in your chest hair.”

“Y/N!”

She laughs, before moving to their daughter, picking her up and kissing her cheek.

“Mavis, do ya want ta see ya da’s grey hairs?”

The girl wipes her eyes, and giggles,

“Da has grey hairs? Why does he have grey hairs? Is da really old?”

“No! I am not old, Mavis!”

His wife laughs at him, carrying their daughter towards him. Y/n moves her hands through his chest hair, making a free grey hairs more noticeable.

“Look at that, Mavis, da’s getting grey hairs… look at his beard.”

Mavis moves her small hands to her dad’s cheeks, looking at the small greys on the sides of his cheeks.

“DA’s going grey!”

Andrew sighs, looking at his wife and daughter, giggling hysterically at him. He pouts,

“I am going to bed.”

His girls giggle.



[doctor-loki-lannister]

Mates of Soul

Hozier x Plus Size Reader

Masterlist

rated: E (18+, MDNI)

tags: Plus Size Reader, Established Relationship, Dadzier, talks of past trauma/child abuse, PIV sex, Oral (f-receiving), vague lactation kink, Andrew and reader are both switches

words: 21k+

https://archiveofourown.org/works/65489314

     “Phel” Andrew murmurs sleepily, pressing a kiss to your temple as he curls into your warmth. He’d finally gotten your six-month-old Aoibhe back down to sleep for next few hours. “C’mere” he mumbles wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you flush against him.

     “Ngh” you groan, still half asleep having fallen back to sleep as soon as Andrew offered to take your daughter back to her room once she was done feeding. “What” you mumble against his t-shirt clad chest.

     “Remember when you first told me you didn’t want to have kids” he hums pulling you to rest on top of him.

     “Mhm” you hum eyes still closed trying to hold on to your sleep.

     “Do you ehm……… do you ever I d’know regret for a lack of ehm a better term changing your mind” he asks softly his fingers trailing up and down your spine softly.

     “Oh um I d’know I can’t say I’ve ever thought about it well at least not since we first found out I was pregnant and that little blip on insanity I had” you reply sitting up straddling his waist fully awake now. “Do um…… do you” you ask sheepishly your arms wrapping tightly around your stomach. Your mind waring with itself simultaneously wanting to hide from him but keep him close for comfort.

     “No God no” he says gripping your hips keeping you in his lap as he sits up against the headboard. “I just ehm I only ask because you haven’t talked to your parents in years hell you never ehm…… you never told them about Aoibhe, I just ehm I don’t want you to resent having Aoibhe because you felt like you had to cut your parents off”

     “Andy, I didn’t have to cut them off I chose to cut them off because there was no me being the best version of me I could possibly be with them in the picture and Aoibhe and you both deserve the best version of me” you sigh cupping his cheeks in your hands as his fingers nervously toy with the edge of your sleep shorts. “I don’t regret it I could never regret it”

     “I just I don’t want you to wake up some day and regret losing them” he mutters almost shyly. “I just…… I wish you never had to make that decision in the first place no child should have to choose between having their parents in their life and their own child’s wellbeing”

     “Oh, you sweet man” you sigh leaning forward to kiss his furrowed brow before resting your forehead against his. “it’s fine really I think a part of me knew it was coming the second I moved to Ireland and finally got out of that hell hole of a country that I’d eventually cut contact” you shrug brushing your nose against his. “It was something I’d tossed around for years since I turned eighteen and I moved out I just never had a reason outside of what I view to be my own selfishness to cut contact before you because you made me realize I could be a mother”

     “Ophelia Rose Von Brandt it isn’t selfish to cut people from your life that don’t deserve to be in it” Andrew sighs his hands coming up to cup your cheeks.

Pulling your head back your green-blue hazel eyes meet his green hazel ones through the moonlight coming in from the crack in the curtains. “Andy I……” you trail off averting your gaze down to your hands now nervously rubbing at your skin, memories from your rocky childhood swimming behind your eyes.

“Look at me Phelly” he murmurs brushing at the tears streaming down your cheeks. “Sunflower” he sighs releasing your cheeks he grabs your hands stilling them “You’ve gotta stop doing that you’re gonna hurt yourself” he mutters taking your hands in his allowing you to toy with his fingers. “Now will you please look at me”

Finally, you look up at him, your gaze landing on the headboard behind him. “It’s fine Andrew I promise I’m fine” you sniffle “can we just um…… can we just go back to bed now”

“We can go back to bed Phel, but you need to talk about this it’s clearly upsetting you” Andrew sighs squeezing your hands reassuringly.

“It doesn’t really bother me most days I promise I’m fine” you sigh readjusting yourself so you’re lying on his chest your legs now straddling his.

“Just ehm just promise me you’ll come to me or if not me I d’know my Mam or someone when you’re having a bad day” he sighs brushing your hair back from your forehead leaning down to kiss your temple.

“I promise” You murmur already half asleep.

“Thank you” he sighs pressing a kiss to your temple gently trailing his fingertips along your spine lulling you back to sleep. “I’m sorry” he murmurs to your sleeping form settling in for a long night knowing he wasn’t going back to sleep his mind to full of memories.

====

April 2017

     You’d started dating right after he came back from his first tour. The time away apparently giving him the courage necessary to finally ask you out after roughly 4 years of friendship.

Now after little over a year of dating he’d asked you to move in with him, and you wanted nothing more, but first you needed him to know everything he was signing up for before taking this next step in your relationship. You had texted him asking him to come over to yours for dinner. You were going to make his favorite then sit him down with a fresh bottle of Jameson and tell him your story.

He showed up only ten minutes late with a tub of your favorite ice cream in hand. “Hey Love, sorry I’m late I had the brilliant idea of stopping to get your favorite ice cream but that ended up resulting in five separate stops to find it” he calls letting himself into your flat with the key you’d given him years ago.  

“Oh, um Hi Bear” you gasp breaking out of your reverie. “That’s sweet you didn’t have to” you hum absentmindedly leaning up to kiss his cheek taking the tub from his hands to put it in the freezer.

“Are you alright Sour Patch you don’t seem entirely present” Andrew asks worriedly cupping your face in his hands.

“Hmm oh um yeah sorry there’s just a lot on my mind nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about” you smile halfheartedly turning your head to kiss the center of his palm.

“You know you can come to me with anything right Love” he murmurs brushing your hair behind your ear. “I’m your partner in everything I’m here if and when you need me”

“I know but it’s not a conversation I’m ready to have quite yet” you murmur reaching up to pat his hand still cupping your cheek before turning to put the finishing touches on your dinner.

“Alright ehm well I’m here whenever you’re ready” he says scratching nervously at the back of his neck.

“Thank you Andy I um…… I appreciate it” you sigh plating your dishes.

“Yeah, course Flower, that’s what I’m here for I love you all I want is your happiness and wellbeing” Andrew hums coming up behind you. Wrapping his arms around your waist pulling you tight against him, he burrows his face in the crook of your neck.

“Ditto” you sigh, your breath hitching in your chest at the thought of breaking this gentle giants heart.

“Hey, hey what’s going on why are you crying” Andrew asks spinning you in his arms to face him.

“Andy I……” you hiccup sniffling as you start to rub your hands together nervously.

“What is it Mo Chroί” he murmurs terror flashing in his eyes as he wipes the steadily flowing tears from your cheeks.

“I…… I love you pl…please know that” you stutter averting your gaze unable to look into his eyes.

“Phel please tell me what’s going on you’re starting to scare me Darlin” Andrew stresses trying to get you to look him in the eyes.

“Um…… I um I think we should break up” you mumble digging the nail of your thumb into the meaty palm of your hand.

“Wha- I thought…… you…… you just said you loved me” Andrew stresses taking a step back from you as though he was just burned.

“Andy” you whimper reaching out for him.

“No just…… you can’t tell me you love me and then in the next breath tell me you want to break up Ophelia that’s…… that’s not how any of this works” he snaps his hands finding their way into his hair pulling at the roots.

“It’s for your own good” you hiccup curling in on yourself.

“How can any of this be for my own good Ophelia I…… I just asked you to move in with me…… I love you fuck I…… I want to spend my life with you” he cries his voice slowly getting louder with each word. “I just…… I don’t understand how-“

“I can’t have kids” you blurt out.

“I…… what” he asks softly his fury deflating like a punctured balloon.

“I can’t give you kids” you sigh pressing your palms flat against your stomach trying to curb the churning feeling settling there.

“Phel that’s not a deal breaker you know that don’t you” he stresses stepping towards you “you’ve gotta know that” he whispers as though approaching a wounded animal “If at some point down the line we decide we want kids we can adopt or figure something else out” Andrew sighs stepping towards you.

“No um you don’t understand it’s not that I can’t have kids as far as I know I’m physically able to have kids, but I can’t…… I won’t have kids” you stress stepping away from him one of your hands coming up to press against your forehead feeling the beginnings of a migraine.

“I’m afraid you’ve lost me Phel” Andrew sighs one of his hands on his hip while the other cards into his hair.

“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me Andrew” you sigh pinching the bridge of your nose “and before you say anything no it’s not because I don’t trust you it’s because I don’t like talking about it fuck I don’t even like thinking about it” you start looking up at him “but suffice to say I was abused as a child, and I don’t know if I can trust myself to raise a child” you stress rubbing at your brow. “I’d rather never have children then run the risk of putting a child through the shit I went through”

“So what you’re breaking up with me without even giving me the chance to decide for myself” he growls his hands waving wildly in the air.

“Andy I…… I’m doing this to save you the hurt later on down the road” you sniffle rubbing furiously at your face.

“What about the hurt I’m feeling right now Ophelia because if I’m being completely honest with you right now it feels like my fucking heart is being ripped from my fucking chest” he seethes through clenched teeth his hand making a clawing motion at his chest.

“Are you telling me that you’d honestly give up your chance at being a father just for me because I honestly don’t believe you would, or if you did you’d grow to regret it and resent me Andrew and as much as this hurts right now it’ll hurt a thousand times more if I have to watch you hate me” you hiccup your hand now making it’s way to your bare chest scratching at the skin covering your collarbone.

“Who said becoming a father was the end all be all for me because I sure as shit didn’t say that” he huffs his arms flailing around haphazardly in frustration.

“I know you want that I’ve heard you talk about it with your mother Andrew, and I won’t be the person to deny you that” you cry angrily wiping at your cheeks. “I’m not going to make you choose between me and something you want so I’m choosing for you”

“And what if what I want is you, what if the future I fucking want is with you whether or not that involves children I don’t care because what I fucking want is you Ophelia” he sighs carding his fingers through his hair.

“Andrew I……” you start stepping towards him.

“No…… just don’t” he says stepping back from you. “I don’t fucking care whether or not we have children Ophelia all that I fucking care about is your happiness and your wellbeing” he sighs taking another step away from you. “I think ehm…… I think I’m gonna go”

“Andy, please I don’t want you leaving on bad terms” you plead following after him. “let’s just eat and take a minute we can talk this out”

“Ophelia I can’t…… I just…… I’m gonna go home” he sighs holding his hand up to silence you “When you’ve finally got your head screwed back on right you know where I’ll be” he murmurs turning to face you in the doorway of your home, defeat flashing in his eyes.

You stand there stunned into silence, your mind telling you to chase after him, but your feet were stubbornly rooted to the ground. All you could do was stand in horror watching as he walked away from you, taking your heart with him. You’d told yourself leading up to today that this was for the best and that you were protecting him from the inevitable but now you weren’t so sure. Now you were second guessing everything. Now all you wanted was to curl up into his warm embrace and listen to him tell you everything was going to be alright. But he wasn’t going to do that this time because you’d royally fucked up and he wasn’t coming back.

“I’m sorry” you whimper falling to your knees in the middle of your living room. “I’m sorry p…please c…come back” you let out a pitiful whine curling in on yourself. “I……I fu…fucked up buddy” you sniffle as your cat Charlie rubs up against you.

====

A few weeks later

     You’d barely ate hell you barely did anything besides sleep only moving from your bed to use the restroom and to force yourself to eat even if most of what you were eating wasn’t exactly nutritional.

The only thing keeping you from fully letting yourself rot away to nothingness was the little orange and white ball of pure chunk, also known as your four-year-old cat Charlie. Said ball of fluff was currently curled up against your chest purring loudly his forehead resting against your chin as he slept. Your arm wrapped around his chunky frame, hand pressed flat against his chest. You lay in silence the tears having stopped days ago leaving you to lie in bed numb to everything except for the comforting presence of your furry son.

It’s been four weeks since he walked out after you broke his heart trying to protect him. Four weeks of you convincing yourself you did the right thing. Four weeks of only showering when you couldn’t stand to smell yourself. Four weeks of only eating when your best friend demanded photo proof of you consuming some sort of food. Four weeks until you heard a knock at your door.

You didn’t acknowledge it at first just assumed it was in your head, but then it came with a shout of your name. “Ophelia Rose open up it’s Alex” you hear a deep rough voice through the door of your studio flat.

“Fucking Christ can’t a girl wallow in self-pity alone” you groan dragging yourself from the nest of blankets and stuffies you’d made for yourself. Charlie chirping in outrage as your movements wake him from his tenth nap this afternoon. “Shh baby it’s just your idiot Uncle Mama will be right back” you hum leaning down to brush your hand over his soft head placing a kiss to his blush pink nose.

“Phel let me in or so help me G……” He trails off as you whip the door open glaring up at him.

“The fuck d’you want Alexander” you grumble standing there in nothing but the sleep clothes you’d put on three days ago.

“Well for starters I’d like for you to stop being a dumbass and go talk to Andrew because he much like yourself I see hasn’t left his bed for more than taking care of Elwood for the past four weeks” Alex starts raising a brow at you. “He won’t even tell Raine what happened let alone me, fucking Stevie also struck out”

“Andrew and I broke up Alex it was for the best now will you please go home you’ve disturbed your nephew” you sigh bending down to pick up the chirping cat allowing him to rest against your left shoulder burrowing into your neck.

“Yeah, well I think Charles here will understand that I only disturbed his beauty rest for his Mum’s own good” Alex says reaching out to take your son from your shoulders stepping into your house.

“Ok yeah sure barge into my house steal my son from me” you grumble throwing your hands up in the air as you shut your front door behind him.

“Charles here doesn’t seem to mind” Alex grins jutting his chin out allowing Charlie to rub his face against his stubble. “Huh bubs you like when Uncle Alex holds you cause he’s taller than your Mum”

“Yeah, yeah a whole four inches big whoop” you smirk rolling your eyes at him.

“Hey four inches is a lot” he guffaws dramatically covering Charlie’s ears.

“Mhm ok” you smirk “but seriously Alex I don’t really know what you’re doing here because I’m no longer Andrew’s problem” you sigh plopping down on the couch facing away from Alex.

“Ophelia, I know you did something stupid so why don’t you just admit to it, and we can go about taking the proper steps to fix it” Alex sighs sitting down beside you frowning when the cat jumps from his shoulder to go sit in your lap.

“How do you know it wasn’t Andrew who did the stupid thing” you mutter scratching the underside of Charlie’s chin.

“Because Andrew would’ve told me if he did something stupid and he has not told me dick about shit when it comes to what happened between the two of you” Alex replies crossing his arms over his chest. “Thus, resulting in the conclusion that you made an idiot mistake as you can be known to do when it comes to emotional situations”

“God you’re not supposed to know me this well” you groan your head flopping against the back of the couch.

“Yeah, well I wasn’t your first friend in Ireland for nothing” he chuckles mirror your position on the couch flopping his head to the side to face you.

“That’s just because you’re Mom is a sweetheart and noticed the lonely American expat struggling to make friends and forced me upon you” you laugh Charlie climbing up to rest on your torso his front paws nestled between your breasts as he rested his head against them falling back to sleep once more. “And actually your mom was my first friend here” you grin over at him.

“That may be, but my point still stands in Ireland I am your oldest friend” he replies before catching your raised brow. “that is your age” he amends hands raised in mock defense. “the least you could do is have a little bit of trust in me to tell me what happened between you and my other best friend also known as the giant lumbering idiot Andrew” Alex sighs smiling softly at you.

“I…… I broke up with Andrew because I can’t be…… I won’t be the person who keeps him from having kids” you sigh your pointer finger softly brushing between Charlie’s eyes as he purrs contently against you.

“And did you ask him what he felt about this before making that decision for him” Alex counters raising questioning brow at you “and on another note and simply because you’ve never told me this in the five years I’ve known you but, why don’t you want kids not that you have to have a reason per say it just sounds like you do”

“No, I didn’t ask him because I know he wants kids I overheard him talking to Raine about his future children the other day” you sigh “and I didn’t tell you because one I don’t have to explain to you or anyone for that matter why I don’t want to have children but also because it’s not particularly something I like talking about”

“Flower I hope you realize I’ve never heard him talk about children until you came around, and if you would have done the smart thing and talked to Andrew first you would know that he only wants children with you and if you don’t want children neither does he” Alex sighs “you’re both as stubborn and bullheaded as the other it’s a wonder you don’t get yourselves into more messes like this” he chuckles slapping his hand to his forehead in exasperation. “And we will be circling back to that something you don’t like to talk about, because it sounds like something you need to talk about”

“Alex let me ask you this, if you for whatever reason didn’t want or couldn’t have children and you knew your partner wanted kids at some point would you break up with them no matter how much it hurt you because you knew it was the best for them” you sniffle the first tears in days pooling in your eyes.

“I can’t say I don’t understand why you made the decisions you did Phel, but I also can’t say I wouldn’t give my partner the option to choose for themselves whether or not they’re willing to stay and give up the possibility of future children or if they want children badly enough to leave” Alex says sitting up to face you more fully.

“Yeah, well I didn’t do that because I’m a royal fuck up Alexander always have been always will be its why I’ll die alone with nothing but my fur babies to keep me company” you let out a watery bitter laugh.

“No, you won’t because you’re going to get dressed well…… shower first you smell” Alex flinches as you glare at him.

“You’re lucky I refuse to disturb my son” you growl your head snapping up to glare at him.

“Hey, I’m just calling it as I see it” he laughs throwing his hands up in surrender “but seriously take a shower get dressed we’ll get some food in you get you out of this cave of self-pity and when you’re ready you’re going to go over to Andrews and explain to him the reasons behind your idiotic decisions and give him the option to choose for himself yeah” he smiles reaching out to squeeze your hand not resting on your cat.

“Yeah alright” you sigh leaning your head back once more closing your eyes.

“It’s gonna be alright Flower” Alex murmurs reaching up to scratch behind Charlie’s ears. “Once you explain to him whatever possessed you to make your outlandish decision, I think he’ll understand”

“God, I hope you’re right and I promise when I’m ready I will explain to you more of my backstory” you mutter softly turning to look at him.

“No rush Flower in case you haven’t noticed you’re kind of stuck with my ass” he laughs “like a slightly annoying big brother”

“Only slightly,” you ask smirking playfully at him.

“Yeah smartass” he mocks you pinching your arm.

“Oi” you gasp flinching away from him causing your son to let out an indignant chirp. “you’ve disturbed the baby you big meany”

“I think he’ll forgive me once he gets to snuggle with Uncle Alex while his mother showers the depression off” he says reaching over to pull the lanky orange and white cat into his arms.

“You’re like his third favorite person so yeah probably” you grin standing up.

“Only third” he guffaws rubbing his hands down Charlie’s back as he settles against him.

“Well yes the first being me obviously I’m his mother and the second being Andy his um…… his father” you reply stuttering over your words at the thought of Andrew.

“Ah yes and I’m just the lowly uncle” he sighs bending down to kiss Charlie between his brows.

“As long as you know you’re place” you shrug before stalking off back towards your bedroom to shower.

====

An hour later

     You’d taken Alex’s advice and had a longer than usual hot shower before going through your normal hair routine and dressing yourself in the comfiest street clothes you could find. Padding back out to the living room you found Alex passed out sprawled on the couch Charlie curled on top of his chest fast asleep a wet patch of drool forming on Alex’s t-shirt.

     “Hamilton” you call the nickname familiar on your tongue, an inside joke from when you first met each other, and he made a comment about your American citizenship. Bending over you softly shake Alex’s shoulders rousing him from his nap.

     “Hmm wha-“ he mumbles blurry eyes blinking up at you and his hand instinctively grips Charlie securely to his chest.

     “You promised to feed me outside of what did you call it oh yeah my cave of self-pity” you laugh moving to pull on your slip-on vans sitting by your front door.

     “And what pray tell does the princess want to eat” he asks staring up at you.

     “Preferably something more nutritious than the shit I’ve been eating for the past four weeks” you shrug leaning over the back of the couch pressing a kiss to the top of Charlie’s head as he stretched before jumping off of Alex with a chirp.

     “Hmm too bad you don’t live in Kerry anymore because I got off the phone with Mum earlier and she’s making your favorite tonight, but alas you had to go and move to Bray for work” he sighs dramatically rolling his eyes as he stands from the couch.

     “Yeah, well when you’re the expat that needs a job to stay in this country, you’ll move were there’s a job” you shrug moving back towards your front door Alex trailing dutifully behind you. “Also, I haven’t lived in Kerry since before you boys came back from tour” you add confusedly.

     “I told you we could just elope, and you could’ve become a citizen the good old fashion way” he says latching the door behind him before locking it with his spare key. “Yeah, but the point still stands” he says following you towards his car.

     “Yeah, well I don’t think Andrew your best friend and hopefully still my partner would be very happy if I married you before him” you laugh hoping into the passenger seat of Alex’s green 2014 Subaru Outback.

     “You act as though I wouldn’t willingly share you with Andy” he scoffs rolling his eyes “for you it’d be more of a marriage of convenience until you and Andrew could officially get married” he shrugs hopping into the driver’s seat before turning over the engine.

     “I mean that’s fair, but you should’ve said something before I was like two months out from citizenship” you laugh allowing your gaze to fall out the window to the passing buildings as you make your way out of town. “Maybe it would’ve kicked Andy into gear and he would’ve asked me out sooner” you murmur mostly to yourself.

     “No that would’ve just made him broodier” Alex laughs “and you know it”

     “God, I wish I could say you weren’t right” you chuckle.

     Alex just grins cheekily at you, the cab settling into a comfortable silence, Alex’s playlist filling the cab.

Roughly thirty minutes later you pull into a local pub. “It’s gonna rain soon I can smell it” you hum stepping out of the car.

“You’d think as a man who also grew up in a rainy climate such as yourself, I’d know what you’re talking about but to this day I’m lost on what you’re smelling” Alex laughs holding the pub door open for you.

“Yes, well growing up in rural Pennsylvania I guess does that to a girl” you shrug making your way to your usual table in the corner of the pub right next to a window.

“You’re such a fucking American” he laughs taking the seat across from you.

“Meh there could be worse American traits for me to have” you shrug.

“Fair enough” he laughs “what do you want I’m gonna head up to the bar and order for us” he says after a bit.

“Hmmm a Jameson sour and I think the roast beef and mash” you hum looking up at him.

“Be right back” he says tapping the table before crawling from the booth and heading toward the bar.

He comes back a few minutes later with a Guiness for himself and your whiskey sour in hand. “Thanks” you murmur taking your glass from his hands.

“Course” he hums taking his seat once more “so about that tragic back story”

“I mean you already know I moved here essentially running from my past and that my relationship with my parents is rocky at best” you shrug “what more is there”

“Oh I don’t know maybe why your relationship is rocky enough with your parents that you’d one feel the need to move to a whole other country and two why said relationship has you convinced you can’t be a mother” he says raising an eyebrow skeptically at you.

“Oh yeah I guess I really haven’t gone into detail about this with you” you laugh nervously.

You spend the next hour or so giving Alex a rough sketch of your childhood and everything leading up to you moving to County Kerry. Something you admittedly should have done long before know.

“I told you it was going to rain” you laugh stepping from the pub two hours later feeling marginally lighter for having talked to Alex.

“Fucking witch” he laughs following you out the door.

You just laugh shrugging “the nose of a farmers granddaughter”

“Mhm witch” he mutters to himself.

You head back to your flat driving in a companiable silence broken up by the odd embarrassing story from your respective childhoods.

“Flower” Alex says once he’s put the car in park in your driveway.

“Hmm” you hum turning to look at him your hand stilling on the door latch.

“Talk to him tell him what you told me he’ll understand I promise” Alex murmurs reaching out to squeeze your hand. “Maybe take him home for a visit to meet your parents let him see firsthand what you’ve dealt with then let him decide for himself yeah”

“I…… I guess it can’t hurt more than it already does” you sigh smiling bittersweetly at him. “I’ll um…… I’ll talk to him tonight”

“It’s all gonna be alright kid” he smiles leaning over the center console pressing a quick brotherly kiss to your forehead.

“you’ve barely got a year on me Alexander” you laugh rolling your eyes.

“Yeah, and you’re still a child compared to me Ophelia” he mocks “now go snuggle your son for a little bit and then please go put my best mate out of his misery”

“I will” you nod popping the door open “oh and Alex” you hum bending down to look at him.

“Yeah Phel” he says turning to look at you.

“Thank you” you murmur smiling sweetly at him.

“Anytime Flower that’s what I’m here for” he shrugs.

“Love you Hamilton” you smile softly.

“Love you too Flower” he grins sending you a wink “now go before you get soaking wet” he laughs

“Meh a little rain never hurt me, you know I live for this shit” you grin wiggling your eyebrows at him before standing closing his car door, and making your way to your front door. Leaving Alex in his car laughing at your antics as he backs out of your driveway.

====

     As soon as you step inside, you’re greeted by a soft chirping before a solid orange and white mass of fur landed on your shoulder. “Oof Hi handsome” you laugh breathlessly “Did you miss Mama” he replies with a crackly meow.

     “I missed you too Bubba” you hum burrowing your face in his soft fur. “do you wanna come with Mama to your dad’s house if you haven’t noticed the tall man hasn’t been around for the past couple weeks and that’s because your Mama is a big old dumbass” you sigh kissing the top of his head “and she’s gotta apologize to him but that might be easier if she has her favorite baby with her” he chirps in reply nuzzling against your jaw. “Glad you agree baby”

     You spend the next thirty minutes getting around packing an overnight bag. You knew it was hopeful of you to pack one, but you had to trust in Alex’s conviction, but especially in Andrew.

     “Alright Charlie let’s go” you murmur patting your chest signaling him to jump up to his favorite perch. “Good Bubba” you hum kissing his blush pink nose before securing your hand around his butt and heading to your car locking your front door behind you.

     Making your way quickly to your car you settle Charlie into the passenger seat before hoping in the driver’s seat and pulling out of your driveway.

====

     The rain picks up from a soft drizzle to a downpour halfway through the drive making it hard for you to see. “a whole week’s worth of beautiful sunny days and the day I finally get my head out of my ass and make the drive to Andrew’s to apologize it downpours of course” you grumble to yourself scratching Charlie’s chin absentmindedly as he rests in your lap. “It’s a good thing this isn’t my first time driving in rain on backroads” you sigh adjusting your glasses up your nose.

     Roughly twenty minutes later you pull up to the gate at the end of Andrew’s drive, punching in the code you let yourself in. “Your dad is still the biggest sap I ever knew” you smile sweetly to yourself at the fact that the code for his gate is still the day you two met almost five years ago. Alex introduced the two of you a couple months after becoming friends when he brought you along to one of Andrew’s gigs.

     “Welp Bubba here goes nothing I guess” you sigh popping the car door open grabbing Charlie and hoisting him to your shoulder. Charlie lets out a displeased meow as you try your hardest to shield him from the rain. “I know you don’t like the rain” you laugh softly pressing a kiss to his head as you make your way toward Andrew’s front door.

Stepping up onto the porch you reach out to knock on the door, hesitating before rapping your customary knock against the wood. Taking a step back from the door you wait anxiously for him to answer your face buried in Charlie’s side seeking out comfort.

     “Ophelia” Andrew murmurs confusion clear across his face. “What are you…… did you bring Charlie”

     “Oh, um yeah…… I um I talked to Alex earlier and he made me realize that I made a mistake and that you deserve to make the decision about your future for yourself” you murmur fiddling nervously with Charlie’s tail. “And I brought Charlie for moral support” you shrug “can I um can I come in”

     “Oh, ehm yeah” he stutters stepping aside to let you in “ah fuck Elwood” he gasps stumbling backwards tripping over the dog hovering excitedly behind him.

     You can’t help the smirk that crosses your face at his clumsiness. “thank you” you murmur bending over to let Charlie slip from your arms smiling as you watch him run off to play with Elwood. “So um how are you” you ask awkwardly pressing your left thumb nervously into the palm of your right hand.

     “How do you think” he asks curtly brushing past you making his way to the kitchen.

You wince at his curt response silently following him to the kitchen.

“Phel as ehm as happy as I am to see you can we ehm…… can we skip the bullshit and the niceties I don’t really have the patience” he sighs grabbing the bottle of redbreast whiskey from the shelf along with two glasses.

“Right um I guess I have some explaining to do” you sigh scratching nervously at the skin of your forearms.

“More than some I would say” he scoffs sliding a glass of the amber liquid toward you.

Wincing you accept the glass before tossing back the contents. “I deserve that” you sigh sitting the glass back down allowing him to refill it.

“Not going to deny that” he laughs bitterly topping your glass off. “Now as nice as this is” he says sarcastically waving at your glass “Can we get on with it because if you’re really not ready to talk I suggest you take Charlie and go back home because I honestly can’t be bothered right now” he sighs pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

“Right um” you flinch at the curtness in his voice. Nervously scratching at your collarbone, you glance anxiously around the kitchen. Sighing you turn your back to him resting against the kitchen counter before sliding to the ground.

“Ophelia” he groans shuffling to join you.

“Don’t” you blurt out holding your hand up. “Just um let me do this my way yeah” you sigh “I don’t know how well I’ll be able to do this if I have to look at the pity in your eyes”

“Alright” he sighs stepping back to his side of the kitchen island. “Whenever you’re ready” he murmurs before tossing back the contents of his glass and pouring himself another glass.

“Thank you” you let out a sigh of relief. “So, um as you um as you know my parents are divorced and have been since I was roughly six months old reason A why I’ve got attachment issues I guess” you shrug nervously toying with the hem of your shirt. Taking a sip from your glass you continue. “But ah I spent the better part of my life with my two older sisters playing the middleman between two parents who hated each other’s guts and who’s new partners subsequently hated the ex’s”

“I know this you’ve told me this already Ophelia that doesn’t explain why you’ve convinced yourself you can’t have kids and why that subsequently means we can’t be together” Andrew sighs sitting his glass on the wood countertop with a soft thud. Crossing his arms over his chest he lets his head fall back to rest against the cabinets.

“Right um well anyways” you sigh waving your hand dismissively “So, I didn’t have the best life growing up hence why you haven’t met any of my four parents for starters, my parents got divorced as you already know when I was 6 months old, I was supposed to save their marriage and I always felt like my mother took that out on me” you pause taking another swig from your glass. “And um growing up my father wasn’t ever emotionally available, which as you know fucks with a child” pausing you took another large gulp of whiskey reaching up to set your glass on the island counter silently signaling him to refill your glass. “he was also unintentionally emotionally abusive because we weren’t allowed to walk away from conversations when it was getting to be too much or we had to have what he referred to as a good reason to cry” you shrug taking the now refilled glass from the counter above you. “Then his wife my stepmother came into the marriage with two other children and even though she always preached that she loved us all equally in reality her two children could do no wrong and no matter how hard me and my sisters tried we were never good enough for her” you sigh into your glass before knocking back more of the amber liquid. “That’s just the tip of the iceberg” you laugh bitterly a lump beginning to form in your throat. “I don’t um I don’t remember a lot from my childhood because of everything I went through” sniffling from the memories flooding through you, you tossed the glass back again.

“Ophelia I-” he murmurs softly your chest constricting painfully as you heard the pity in his voice.

“Please um just don’t” you sigh cutting him off before he could begin to apologize for something he had no control over.

“Alright” he sighs softly his hand coming up to rest against his collarbone feeling his heart constrict painfully in the cage of his chest.

“Now my mother she’s your classic narcissist” you laugh bitterly changing the subject. “She would make promises then break every single one and if she didn’t get what she thought she deserved she’d blow up at you, and it didn’t matter where it was if she was angry, you would know it” you breath tossing back the contents of your glass once more sitting it on the counter top. “I had to learn how to tell the difference in people’s foots steps and their moods based upon mannerisms and tone of voice just to um just to protect myself.” You murmur digging the nail of your thumb into your forearm anxiously, feeling the beginnings of a panic attack deep in your chest. “She um she had this way of always wanting to have alone time with my older sisters but never me she’d um she’d come up with every excuse not to be alone with me” you let out a watery sigh wiping furiously at your cheeks. “Do you know how much that hurts a child” your voice cracks painfully as you let out a watery sigh trying to calm yourself long enough to finish giving him the basics of your backstory. “Then she had two children with my stepfather, and I was pushed farther to the wayside” you shrug noncommittally “and no matter how much I didn’t want to I grew to resent them because in my fucked-up head I thought they were my replacements, and I mean I know now it wasn’t resentment for them but for my mother but I uh I still let my issues affect them and they were, are just kids they didn’t deserve that they still don’t” you bite back a sob taking in a long shuddering breath.

“and like that’s just some of the emotional stuff there was a decent amount of uh of physical abuse as well but um I don’t um I can’t talk about that yet” you mutter curling in on yourself.

Andrew himself had issues with his father because John couldn’t be wholly present in his life growing up because of a botched back surgery when Andrew was six. But he couldn’t imagine not having the loving parents he did have. His heart constricted painfully in his chest once more at the pain you suffered at the hands of those who were supposed to love you the most. Getting on his hand and knees he crawls around the kitchen island to you. Hesitantly he reaches his hands out to you placing them on your knees before travelling up your legs taking the whiskey glass and placing it on the counter above you. Silently he wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you to his chest.

“I just wanted to be loved” you sobbed into his shoulder settling against his chest.

Cradling your head against his chest with one hand, the other coming to rest against your waist pulling you to sit on his lap. “I know my darling I know” he sniffles his voice cracking as he rocks you in an attempt to sooth you.

“Why wasn’t I good enough” you sobbed hiccupping between each word. “I tried everything and did anything they wanted I just wanted their love, but god it was never enough” you screamed against his chest.

“Hey, hey you could lay on the couch all day and you would be enough for me, let that be enough for you” Andrew pulled you tighter to him “I love you my family loves you; your friends love you, you are loved” he leans down pressing a kiss to your forehead before resting his chin on the crown of your head.

“But why couldn’t they love me is…… is there something wrong with me” you whine against him pressing your face harder into his chest.

“Nothing is wrong with you Phel I promise you that much if anything there’s something wrong with them for treating you the way they did” he sighs pressing a kiss against your forehead. “there’s nothing wrong with you I promise, you did the things you had to do to survive that doesn’t make you a bad person that makes you a survivor” he murmurs resting his forehead against yours brushing your nose with his. “and I know I can’t begin to understand the turmoil you’re going through but please don’t assume what’s best for me when it comes to our future if you’re truly afraid of the possibilities of becoming a parent then so be it but the only future I see for myself is one with you by my side however that future pans out is up to us” he sighs pulling back so he can look into your hazel eyes.

“I’m sorry I was scared, and I panicked” you mutter sniffling softly.

“It’s alright I’m just glad you finally told me” he sighs pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. “Remind me to send Alex a thank you gift for bringing you back to me this past month has been hell without you”

“Before you go thanking Alex” you laugh softly cupping his jaw in your hands. “He suggested I take you home to meet my parents before you make any definitive decisions about us”

“Oh god” he chuckles “I mean I’d like to meet your siblings at least and I supposed meeting the parents of the love of my life is something I’ll have to do eventually” he shrugs.

“Alright um I’ll get with Emma and make plans to come home for a bit” you sigh resting against his chest once more. “In the meantime can we please get off the floor my shitty ass joints are killing me”

“I thought you’d never ask” he chuckles helping you to stand from his lap before following you with a groan. “I’m getting too old to sit on the floor”

“Alright grandpa” you laugh wrapping your arms around his waist pulling him into your embrace.

“You like the fact that I’m old Ms. Daddy issues” he chuckles softly against your lips.

“Mmm don’t forget the Mommy issues too” you laugh softly. “Can um Charlie and I can we uh can we stay the night” you ask softly

“I was hoping that’s what you wanted when you showed up with our small fur child on my doorstep” he grins cupping your cheeks.

“Good because I think he misses the view he gets sitting on your shoulder” you grin pressing a kiss to his palm before stepping out of his embrace.

“I like to think he loves me for more than my height” he scoffs “I am after all his father”

“I’m sure there are other reasons he loves you, but your height is definitely his favorite I swear he’s more of a parrot than a cat sometimes” you smile reaching out to take his hand kissing the knuckles before guiding him towards the living room where your fur babies were already snuggled together.

====

     Andrew is knocked from his memories by the piercing cries coming from the baby monitor on his bedside table. “Oh, Aoibhe Bean” Andrew sighs softly to himself. Gently extricating himself from your embrace, he slips from the bed pressing a soft kiss to your forehead before slipping from the room taking the monitor with him.

     “Daddy’s coming Little Bear” Andrew murmurs stepping into the nursery right across the hall from your bedroom Elwood hot on his heels.

“what’s the matter my darling” he hums scooping the fussy infant into his warm embrace. Charlie lets out a displeased chirp from his position curled into the corner of the bed Aoibhe’s own personal guard. “Yes, I know Charlie I’m taking your baby I promise I shall return her as soon as she’s back to sleep” he chuckles at your cat’s protective antics.

Turning his attention back to the fussy infant in his arms he brushes her soft auburn curls back from her displeased face. Pressing his lips to her temple, he breaths in her soft baby scent. Swaying gently back and forth making his way to the changing table laying her down, causing her cries to go up in pitch. “Oh, I know you want daddy to hold you but he’s gotta change your nappy first” he murmurs softly protectively resting his large hand across her midsection keeping her steady as he pulls out what supplies he needed.

     Aoibhe lets out a displeased grunt wiggling as he tries to undo her sleeper. “Alright wiggle worm you’ve gotta stay still or Daddy can’t change your nappy and then where will we be” he chuckles tweaking her nose pulling a soft watery giggle from her. Elwood standing at his feet watching intently from the ground let out a soft yip in reply. Charlie made himself comfortable sitting above Aoibhe’s head on the table, allowing her to play with his tail as he flicks its around in front of her face, while Andrew worked on changing her nappy.

     “Silly bug” he laughs to himself gently tickling her soft belly before zipping her back into her footie pajamas. “let’s get you back to sleep before your Mammy wakes up yeah” he grins scooping Aoibhe back into his arms cradling her against his chest. “Hmm do you want Daddy to sing you a song” he murmurs sitting down in the plush rocking chair.

     “How about our song” you murmur softly standing in the door frame of the nursery. “Well one of our songs” you grin stepping into the room.

     “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you” he sighs standing from the rocking chair, meeting you halfway.

     “I noticed your absence couldn’t go back to sleep without you I fear” you smile softly at him reaching up to cup his cheek your free hand resting on Aoibhe’s back as you leaned up to kiss him.

     “And you say I’m the sap” he chuckles leaning down to kiss your lips once more.

     “Because you are” you grin wrapping your free arm around his waist “now sing please” you murmur resting your head on his chest facing your daughter. “Hi Little Bear” you smile scrunching your nose as she reaches out opening and closing her fist against your cheek.

     “So demanding, but alas I can’t say no to my girls” he chuckles softly swaying you back and forth as he starts to hum the beginning notes of your song. “Honey, honey, do you see ‘em running” he starts his chest rumbling softly as he sways. “Even though it seems like nobody’s moving at all, stay together, no matter what the weather, even if the winds are changing everything that you are”

     Your arm not wrapped around his waist comes up to rest against Aoibhe’s back as she continued to sleepily grab at your face. “Said I never believed in the mates of soul” you join him softly harmonizing as you watched Aoibhe begin to drift off. “So I never once claimed that I know, that you’re the only, only one for me”

     “Honey, honey, do you see him gunning, aiming at her heart in case it makes a getaway, they say to stay together, and promise to forever, even if forever never really wanted to stay” you continue even though Aoibhe had fallen asleep against Andrew’s chest her hand still resting against your cheek.

     “I said I never believed in the mates of soul, and so I never once claimed that I know, that you’re the only, only one for me” continuing to sway with him your eyes closed contently letting him finish out the last few verses of the song.

====

End of June 2017

     You’d touched down in Baltimore roughly an hour ago having picked up your luggage you were now patiently waiting in line to check out your rental car for your two-week stay in Pennsylvania. “We could just go back home to our boys and away from the headache of my family” you sigh resting your head against his shoulder.

     “It’s gonna be alright love we’ll get the car I’ll be your passenger princess” he grins wiggling his eyebrows at you laughing when you slap his shoulder playfully. “we��ll make the hour-ish drive to your hometown get settled into our hotel room and just relax we don’t need to visit anyone right away” he says wrapping his arm around your shoulder pulling you tight against his chest pressing a kiss to your forehead before stepping up to the counter.

     “Name please” the clerk behind the desk says.

     “Ehm Andrew Hozier-Byrne” Andrew replied handing his license over to the clerk.

     “Are you going to be the only driver of the rental” the clerk drawls.

     “Oh um I’ll be the one doing most of the driving” you chime in offering over your license as well.

     “Name” the clerk states scrutinizing the plastic card.

     “Oh um Ophelia Von Brandt” you reply smiling nervously at the clerk.

     “Right well you can have these back” the clerk says handing your licenses back. “Just need the card you’ll be using to cover the rental then I’ll take you out to your car”

     “Right” Andrew nods pulling his credit card from his wallet handing it over to the clerk to charge before signing the electronic pad as directed.

     “Right this way” the clerk says grabbing a set of keys off the hook before stepping around the counter.

     Andrew grabs your hand not pulling your suitcase “C’mon” he grins pulling you along after the clerk.

     A couple of minutes later after you’d gotten the keys, Andrew was loading your luggage into the trunk.

“You know I’m completely capable of lifting the luggage into the car right” you laugh crossing your arms across your chest.

     “Well yes but what kind of partner would I be if I let my lady love do all the heavy lifting” he grins reaching up to close the trunk.

     “Ridiculous” you laugh turning to hop in the driver’s seat.

     “Yeah, but you love me” he grins wiggling his eyebrows at you.

     “These two things can coexist” you shrug slipping the car into drive pulling out of the parking lot.

     He just shakes his head at you before flicking on the radio and connecting his Bluetooth. “Hmm” he hums scanning through the generated playlists on his Spotify “shall we let the music gods choose what we listen to hmm” he asks

     “Hmm fuck it why not” you shrug pulling out onto the highway “who knows maybe I’ll discover a new song to get me through the next two weeks”

     “Who needs a new song when you’ll have me and I if anything am a ray of sunshine” Andrew grins wiggling his eyebrows at you.

     “You’re a ray of something that’s for sure” you laugh.

     “Oi” he gasps before falling into a deep belly laugh.

     You shoot him a toothy grin settling into a comfortable silence as you navigated your way through Maryland.

====

Roughly an hour later

     The tension in your body grew tighter and tighter with each mile that passed bringing you closer and closer to your hometown. Closer to childhood memories that you’d thought you’d put behind you when you finally jumped ship and moved to County Kerry.

     Andrew, feeling the tensions slowly building in your body reaches out to rest his hand on your thigh. Unsure of what to say he settled on trying to ground you in the only way he knew how, physical touch. Generally speaking, you had an aversion to touch but Andrew had such a calming effect on you that his touch never seemed to set you off if anything it soothed you.

     “How close are we” he hums absentmindedly brushing his thumb against your thigh.

     “Hmm about twenty more minutes and we’ll be at the hotel safely tucked away from my family” you reply absentmindedly “honestly if the cops still hide where they always hid, I can make it in ten” you laugh

     “ah yes my little speed demon” he chuckles peeping over at the speedometer grinning as he watches your speed rise “show off”

     “What can I say I have a need for speed” you laugh at your own jokes.   

     “Alright Lightning McQueen” he laughs.

     “Ka-chow Baby” you laugh winking at him.

     He barks out a laugh at your antics, his hand squeezing your thigh absentmindedly. “God, I love you” he murmurs looking over at you, mirth swimming in his swampy green eyes.

     “I know” you murmur chancing a glance over at him before refocusing on the road.

     You drive in companionable silence for a few minutes allowing the music to fill the silence. “Alex just sent me this song with a play this for Flower I think you’ll both love it message attached” Andrew piped up tapping at his phone screen.

     “Oh so he does love me” you sigh wistfully resting your hand on your chest.

     “I knew I was just a rebound” Andrew sighs dramatically.

     “As long as you know your place big guy” you shrug trying to hold back a shit eating grin.

     “With you…… Always” he winks before reaching out to turn the volume up playing the song.

     “Sap” you laugh, rolling your eyes at him.

     “Said I never believed in the mates of soul” a velvety smooth male voice fills the cab.

     Eventually you find yourself humming along to the song your fingers absentmindedly tapping the steering wheel. On the second play through you feel Andrew staring at you. “Can I help you” you ask chancing a glance over at him.

     “Nope” he says popping the P, continuing to gaze at you a look on contemplation in his swampy green eyes.

     “Are you just going to keep staring at me then” you sigh carding your hand through your hair nervously. Snicking on the turn signal taking the last exit before entering the town you were going to stay in for the next two weeks. “Welcome to Lancaster, Pennsylvania”

     “Wait I thought you were from Mt. Joy” he asks turning towards you.

     “Oh I am that’s twenty minutes northwest of here but the hotel I got is in Lancaster” you clarify “far enough away from my parents but close enough we won’t have to waste much gas driving back and forth” you shrug “plus I’ve always wanted an excuse to stay here” you grin wiggling your eyebrows at him before pulling into the hotel’s main drive.

     “Ah” he hums clicking his seatbelt off as you park the car in front the main entrance to the industrial looking redbrick building.

     “Listen they were running a sale for some reason, so I jumped at the chance to finally stay here” you shrug hoping out of the car your slip on rose skull vans thwacking against the red brick of the drive.

     “Fair enough” he shrugs wrapping his arm around your waist pulling you in to press a kiss to the top of your head. “C’mon lets get checked in so we can break in the room properly” he grins waggling his eyebrows at you.

     “God you’re such a man” you bark out a laugh slapping at his chest “there will be no room breaking in until I’ve had food, and I could KILL for some chick-fil-a” you shoot over your shoulder beating him to the front door holding it open for him. “Ladies first” you hum bowing dramatically towards him.

     “Why thank you kind sir” he replies in his best posh British accent before stepping into the hotel lobby.

     “Hello welcome to the Lancaster Arts Hotel checking in” the receptionist greets as you step up to the counter.

     “Hi yes ehm the reservation should be under Von Brandt” you hum smiling at the blond woman behind the counter.

     “Ophelia” the receptionist smiles questioningly at you.

     “Yep” you smile in reply.

     “Alright I’ll just need your credit card and a valid ID” she smiles at you.

     About fifteen minutes later once you’ve been checked in and the car has been properly parked. You make your way down the hall of the fourth floor towards your home for the next two weeks, room 462.

“There’s an art gallery attached to the hotel I figured we could check out some day Rainey would love this place” you hum swiping the key card before stepping into the room.

“Oh yeah” he murmurs stepping up behind you. He wraps his spindly arm around your waist burrowing his face in the crook of your neck. “That sounds nice” he mumbles pressing his lips to your skin. “You sure we can’t just order in and have some fun whilst we wait you know as a stress reliever” he murmurs nipping at your shoulder.

“Hmm maybe I can be persuaded” you hum your hand not resting on top of his comes back to card into his auburn curls.

“Is that so” he hums pulling you flush against him as he trails kisses along your neck across your jaw.

“Mhm” you hum in reply rocking the two of you back and forth.

“God you smell amazing” he groans burrowing against the back of your neck his nose buried in your curls.

“Doubtful” you huff out a laugh. His hand finds its way under your shirt palming at your breast through the thin fabric of your lace bra. “Andy” you let out a pitiful whine as his hand not palming your breast finds it way into your sweatpants cupping you.

“Christ you’re so wet already” he groans against your shoulder blade his fingers pressed against your clit through the cotton of your panties.

“Fuck” you gasp grinding your hips against his fingers.

Removing his hand from your sweats he steps back from you. “Take off your clothes for me baby” he murmurs against the shell of your ear.

“Yes sir” you mumble pulling your t-shirt up over your head and tossing it into the corner of the room. Turning to face him you hook your thumbs into the waistline of your sweats, looking up at him before slipping them down your long legs.

“Christ” he groans palming at his already half hard cock through the fabric of his own sweats.

You grin up at him biting your lower lip you hook your thumbs into the strings of your bikini style underwear. “C’mere” you beckon backing up towards the king-sized bed.

“God I’d follow you into hell if you asked” he groans stalking towards you only to be cut off by the shrill sound of your little sister Maggie’s ringtone.

“Shit” you groan “I have to get that” you huff sliding from the bed to grab your phone out of your jeans pocket.

“Fuck” you hear Andrew groan softly as you franticly swipe the accept call button.

“Hey Love what’s going on” you hum down the line

“Are you…… are you here” she sobs down the line.

“Yeah Babe what’s going on” you ask the hair on the back of your neck standing on end as you frantically start tugging your sweats back on.

“Phelly she…… I……” she stutters sobs wracking her body.

“Take a deep breath for me Love” you murmur softly trying to remain calm and fight off your own fight or flight response as you hunt for your t-shirt. “C’mon Teddy in for three hold for five out for eight” you direct making eye contact with a concerned Andrew as you finally locate your shirt on the floor next to the jacuzzi in the corner of the room.

“C’mon kid I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on and you can’t tell me until you calm down” you stress sticking your phone on speaker so you can finish redressing yourself.

“Can you…… can you come get me it’s…… it’s mom” she hiccups finally. “she…… she was going to hit me Phel I…… I thought she was gonna smack me I was so scared” she whimpers down the line

“I’ll be there in twenty love hang tight lock yourself in your room keep your phone on you make sure Seb is out of the line of fire too” you reply trying to tame the shake in your voice.

"He’s…… he’s at a friend’s house this weekend” she mumbles.

“Ok love that’s good I’ll be there as fast as I can alright, I love you” you reply breathing a small sigh of relief that at least one of them was safe.

“Love…… love you too” she hiccups down the line before the line goes dead.

Turning to Andrew tears briming in your eyes “Bear I’m so sorry I’ve……” you sniffle.

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for Sunflower” he murmurs pulling you in for a crushing hug.

Pulling back from his arms you allow him to wipe the tears from your cheeks giving yourself the few seconds necessary to lock your protective walls back into place. “I’ve gotta go get her she’s…… my mom’s……” you trail off unsure of what to tell him because you didn’t even know what happened. “I’m sorry” you mumble against his chest “Not even half an hour home and you’re already forced to deal with Nicole’s fucking bullshit”

“You don’t have to explain” he murmurs taking your hand in his larger one he presses a kiss to your knuckles reverent and sure. “You don’t have to apologize I’m just sorry you didn’t get a chance to get your bearings before shit hit the fan”

====

Twelve minutes later you pull into your mother’s driveway, having made it from Lancaster to Mt. Joy in record time due to your anxiety induced speeding. The car is barely in park before your running for the door.

“Ophelia” Andrew calls after you reaching over to shut off the car before slipping from his seat and chasing after you.

“GOD DAMN IT NICOLE YOU BETTER LET ME IN OR SO HELP ME FUCKING GOD” you scream pounding on the forest green metal of the front door to one of your childhood homes. “Andrew stay in the car I don’t want you to see this” you grunt twisting the doorknob agitatedly.

 “You don’t have to do this alone anymore” Andrew replies stepping up behind you on the front stoop of the house. “I’m not going to let you deal with this alone” he stresses.

“Andrew I-” you’re cut off by the front door whipping open.

“The fuck do you want” your mother growls eyes laser focused on your taller form.

“Mags called me I’m here to get her” you reply standing your ground. r spine straightening more when Andrews hand brushes against your lower back.

“News flash Ophelia she’s my daughter you don’t get to go running off to bumblefuck Ireland then come back with some strange man and take my daughter from me” she spits stepping into your space her face inches from yours.

“First of all back the fuck up Nicole” you snap Andrews presence behind you the only thing keeping you from getting physical with her. “Second of all she called me because she knew I would come for her because you made her feel unsafe”

“I did nothing but put her spoiled ungrateful ass in it’s place Ophelia she’s just a drama queen” Nicole scoffs rolling her eyes as she steps back from you crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

“What you did Nicole was raise your hand to your child and I will not stand for it” you hiss stepping towards her menacingly “You did it enough as is to Me, Emma and Delilah when we were kids” you spit before marching past her into the house “Andrew stay out here” you call over your shoulder

“Ophelia Rose get the fuck out of my house before I call the god damn cops and have you arrested for attempted kidnapping” your mother growls storming after you leaving a disorientated Andrew standing on the stoop.

“Where’s Grady” you ask ignoring her threat.

“That old piece of shit left me months ago something you’d know if you’d bother to call your fucking mother” she scoffs reaching out to grab at you.

“Good for him I’ll give him a call congratulate him on finally growing a spine and then tell him to take you for full custody of the kids because I have proof that you’re an unfit mother” you laugh menacingly turning to face her “now if you know what’s good for you Nicole you’d let go of my arm before I deck your ass” you hiss between clenched teeth

“If you leave with her I will call the cops” she threatens as you step into Maggie’s room.

“Phel” she cries slamming into you, wrapping you in a vice-like grip.

“Hi kid” you sigh pressing a quick kiss to her temple. “C’mon Andrew’s outside pack whatever you’ll need for tonight I’ll take you to your dad’s tomorrow we’ll get you out of this house and away from her for good yeah” you hum your heart racing inside of your chest as you try to fight off your trauma responses so you can focus on Maggie.

“Call the cops Nicole I don’t give a shit I’ll prove to them you almost physically assaulted your child that ought to speed up the custody battle for Grady” you taunt her “if you wish to have any sort of relationship with your youngest two children you will let me take her” you warn.

Taking a step back, her shoulders slump in defeat, your mother turns and walks down the hall taking a seat in the armchair facing the front door.

Five minutes later Maggie has a rough bag packed. You guide her out the door towards Andrew, placing yourself between your mother and her.

“Andrew take her to the car please I just need to do one more thing” you murmur absentmindedly before turning back towards the front door.

“Oh ehm alright just ehm be careful please I don’t wanna see you hurt more than your already are” he sighs leaning forward to grip your hand softly in reassurance.

“love you” you smile bittersweetly at him before stepping back into the house.

“A Chuisle mo Chroί” he murmurs after you. Turning towards your slightly less shaken sister he smiles reassuringly at her “Hi I’m sorry we had to meet this way but I’m Andrew” he greets extending his hand out towards her.

“Oh um Hi I’m Maggie Phelly’s little sister” she replies shaking his hand half awkwardly “but I um I guess you already know that” she laughs nervously.

“It’s nice to finally meet you Maggie I’ve heard so much about you” he smiles softly guiding her towards your rental car.

====

Back in the house

     “What more do you want” your mother sighs rolling her eyes as she takes a drag from her freshly lit cigarette.

     Grimacing at the smell of burning tobacco memories of glowing cigarette buds too close to bare skin for comfort flashing behind your eyes. “I wanted to come back in here and let you know that if I find out you so much as thought about raising another hand to either of those children, I will do everything within my power to ruin your life I will make you regret you ever had me do you understand”

     “I…… I understand Ophelia” she sighs tapping off the ash from the edge of the cigarette. “I understand that you have some weird savior complex, I understand that you think for some reason those two children are your responsibility” she continues taking a long drag looking you square in the eyes. “I also understand that they’re my children not yours”

     “If you really cared for those two children more than just the brownie points having children garners you, you wouldn’t even be able to so much as think about raising a hand to either of them” you hiss through clenched teeth. “I wouldn’t have had the childhood I had if you actually cared about your children, I wouldn’t have almost broken up with the love of my life because I was too scared he wouldn’t want me after I told him I won’t be able to give him children because I’m too afraid of turning into you to ever willingly have children” you spit jabbing your pointer finger in her direction.

     “Oh c’mon it wasn’t that bad you just have a victim complex and can’t take any responsibility for yourself and your own issues” she scoffs snubbing out the bud of the cigarette.

     “You know I always thought maybe if I put space between myself and your toxicity I could heal and maybe learn to move on from what you did hell I brought the love of life a man I would marry in a heartbeat if only he’d ask because I thought maybe he should meet my family since I have become so ingrained in his” you sigh carding your hand in your hair. “You know what’s crazy” you laugh your hands flying up into the air. “All I had to do to find a mother who actually cares for me the way a mother should care for her child was move across the Atlantic Ocean and away from you” pure malice dripping from your tongue as you finally let out twenty-five years’ worth of pent-up emotions.

     “Fucking leave then you already ran away once why not do it a second time” Nicole shrugs sitting back in the chair. “I really don’t understand why you came in the first place if you’re so happy over there why leave”

     “Because Nicole some part of me thought maybe just fucking maybe my family could be normal for two fucking weeks and maybe I could try and if not mend perhaps tentatively bridge the gap I have with you but all of this tonight makes me realize that’s not something that will ever happen because you’re too much of a narcissist to ever fucking change and ever think about anyone besides yourself” you wipe furiously at the angry tears pooling in your eyes. “I hope you for once in your life do what is best for your children and you let Grady have full custody of those two children and let them decide when and if you’re worthy of being in their life”

     “They’re my fucking children Ophelia” she scoffs standing from her chair.

     “They might have come from your body Nicole, but you never earned the title of mother” you hiss between clenched teeth. “One last thing before I leave” you say one hand on the doorknob poised to turn. “I need you to know that I wish to God I could find it in myself to be cold and unfeeling and stop loving you because that would be so much easier to live with but despite everything you put me through you’re still my mother and I still love you but I can’t have you in my life or the life of my children if I ever manage to trust myself enough to have them” you shutter a sudden weight lifting from your chest. “I will keep you in my life just enough to make sure those two kids are ok but outside of Mags and Seb I want nothing and I mean absolutely fucking nothing to do with you do you understand me”

     “Fine by me you ungrateful little cunt go run off with your little lap dog and play the perfect big sister when we both know you’re itching to leave her once again” Nicole spits waving her hands in the air angrily.

     “I never left her” you growl stabbing your pointer finger into your chest. “I keep in contact with her, I know more about her than you will ever know, I have never and will never abandon her do you understand Nicole” it took everything in you not to flinch when she raised her hand to strike you.

     “God you’re so easy” she laughs sarcastically bringing her hand back down to her side.

“You may have given birth to her and Sebastian, but Emma and I raised them Delilah would have too if she hadn’t moved out when she did” you continue ignoring her remark.

     “There you go with the victim shit again no one made you do anything you didn’t want to” she guffaws.

     “You’re always going to remember my life differently because it makes you feel better, so I’m done I’ve said my peace I refuse to waste any more energy on you” you sigh pinching the bridge of your nose you swing open the front door and march out drowning out the screams of your mother as you went. A shit eating grin spreading across your face the closer you got to the car. The closer you got to Andrew the lighter you felt. You hadn’t felt this free since you up and moved to Ireland five years ago.

     Hoping into the driver’s seat you give yourself a second to regroup before turning to check on Maggie, Andrew’s hand instinctively already holding yours. “Ready to go babes” you smile softly at her reaching back to brush her bangs behind her ear.

     “Yeah…… um are you ok” she asks in reply.

     “I’m alright darlin’” you hum softly in reply subtly squeezing Andrew’s hand reassuring him. “let’s get back to the hotel yeah” you hum turning back around to face the front.

     “I’m so proud of you” Andrew murmurs bringing your hand up to kiss your knuckles.

     “A Chuisle mo Chroί Bear” you reply smiling sweetly at him.

     “A Chuisle mo Chroί” he replies smiling at your use of his mother tongue.

====

A week later

     Once you’d got back to your hotel that night you and Maggie crawled into the king-sized bed. Andrew being Andrew kissed your brow and tucked the two of you in. He understood that you needed this time with your sister he made himself comfortable on the couch for the night. The next day you’d taken Maggie out for breakfast before taking her to Grady’s. After speaking with Grady about what his next moves were and what had to be done for the safety and well-being of Maggie and Sebastian, you introduce Andrew to your stepfather Grady Finch. The two got along swimmingly something that made your heart flutter in your chest

An intense weight had been lifted from your shoulders since the conversation with your mother, a weight you didn’t realize was clouding so much of your life. After your visit with Grady, you’d taken Andrew sightseeing to your old haunts, showing him a side of you that you thought you’d left behind in Pennsylvania five years ago.

Five days into your trip you’d taken him to visit your paternal grandparents Mary and Arthur Von Brandt. Andrew turned up the charm and won them over in minutes. Leaving just your father and stepmother before you could finally go home.

     Andrew knew you needed time to come to terms with everything that went down on your first night back in Pennsylvania. Logically he knew that, but he was concerned with how fast you seemed to bounce back, almost like you’d put up a wall the second you stepped out of that blue ranch style house.

     You knew you needed to talk to him about it, you just weren’t sure how you felt about it yet. On one hand you felt like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders a weight you’d been carrying around for years. On the other hand you just told your mother you wanted nothing to do with her anymore and it felt that a part of your soul had been ripped out.

     “You know you can talk to me Sour Patch” Andrew murmurs his fingers ghosting gently up and down your spine as you lay naked in bed. You were three days away from going back Ireland, three days away from going back to your sanity.

     “I know Bear” you murmur pressing a soft kiss to the center of his chest your fingers lazily drawing patterns into the soft skin of his pec.

     “Alright I just…… I worry for you deciding to go no contact with your mother is no easy decision and you ehm…… you seem so unbothered by it” He sighs bending his neck to look down at you.

     “I…… I’m not unbothered by it I just…… you go through the shit that I’ve lived through you learn to compartmentalize” you sigh sitting up your bare back to him. “When I’m ready to discuss it, I promise I will come to you but right now I need to not think about it and get through tonight so all I have to worry about is going home to our boys” you add turning back to look at him. “I just want to get back to our life”

     “Alright I’m sorry I pushed I just ehm…… I’m out of my depths here and all I want is your happiness” Andrew murmurs sitting up resting his chin on your shoulder.

     “It’s alright and I love you for it you just have to let me work through it in my own way yeah” you murmur resting your head against his.

     “I love you too take all the time you need I’ll be right here whenever you’re ready” he hums in reply placing a gentle kiss to your shoulder blade. “Now what do you say we laze about for a little bit longer before getting around for dinner tonight because as excited as I am to meet your siblings I’m dreading meeting your father” Andrew laughs softly tugging you back to lay on the bed once more.

     “Hmm I’d have to say that’s arguably one of your best ideas this whole trip Mr. Hozier-Byrne” you giggle softly curling back into his comforting warmth.

     “Hey a broke clock is right at least twice a day” he shrugs pressing a quick kiss to your forehead.

     “This is true” you yawn your eyes involuntarily closing as you snuggle further into his warmth.

     “Get some rest love” he murmurs pressing another kiss to your brow his fingers trailing along your spine lulling you back to sleep.

====

That evening

     You’d lazed about in bed till around three before hoping in the shower to start getting ready for dinner with your father, his wife and two of your older sisters and their partners.

     “Alright lets get this shit done and over with so we can get back here and just relax” you sigh wrapping your arms around his neck.

     “It’s gonna be alright Love” he murmurs leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead. “we’ll go have dinner have a good time then come back to the hotel and just relax until our flight on Friday”

     “Can we just time jump to Friday evening” you sigh stepping back from him.

     “Baby if I could do that for you I would” he smiles softly at you. Kissing your forehead once more, he slips past you to open the hotel room door.

     “I know I’m just being dramatic because I’m dreading this” you sigh smiling sweetly at him as you step across the threshold into the hall.

     “It’ll be alright love I’ll be right beside you the whole time” he murmurs wrapping his arm around your waist as you make your way down the hall.

     “I know and I love you for it” you sigh resting your head against his shoulder while you wait for the elevator.

====

Half an hour later

     Shutting the engine off you stare out into the backyard of your childhood home. The old walnut tree still standing tall the remnants of the tire swing your dad built when you were small still hanging from the protruding limb.

     “Ready Sour Patch” Andrew murmurs turning to look at you.

     “Hmm oh um…… yeah” you mumble blinking yourself out of your reverie. Collecting yourself you step from the vehicle nervously flattening your sundress.

     “I’m here Love I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere” Andrew murmurs stepping up to your side taking one of your hands in his he kisses the back of it.

     “Yep” you shutter out taking a deep breath before walking down the cement foot path toward the door.

     “Just breath love” Andrew murmurs pulling you in to kiss your forehead reaching out to ring the doorbell.

     “Easier said than done” you sigh putting on a brave face as your stepmother Isobel answers the door.

     “Ophelia” she greets a sickeningly sweet smile plastered to her face. “And who might this be” she hums turning to face Andrew.

     “Isobel” you smile white knuckling Andrew’s hand with yours “This is Andrew, Andrew this is my stepmother Isobel”

     “Hi it’s nice to meet you” Andrew smiles extending his free hand to shake hers.

     “I should thank you for dragging Ophelia home I swear she forgets we exist half the time” Isobel jokes daintily shaking Andrews hand before stepping back welcoming you into the house.

     “I wonder why I try to forget you exist” you mutter under your breath so only you and Andrew can hear.

     “Dad” you call stepping into the living room only to be jumped on by your parents German Shepard “Goose” you squealed cupping the dogs cheeks pressing a kiss to her nose. “Hi baby yes I missed you oh yes I missed you” you baby talk scratching at the dog soft black and brown fur. “I brought you a friend” you hum reaching back for Andrew “Goose this is Andy, Andy I’d like you to meet Goose”

     “Hello Goose aren’t you just a pretty lady” he hums extending his hand so she can sniff him first.

     “Phelly Bug” your father calls stepping into the room.

     “Dad” you hum happily stepping away from your boyfriend and his new best friend Goose to hug your father. “Hi” you breath out burrowing into his chest. Your dad was a big bear of a man and despite everything that happened in your childhood you couldn’t help but feel some sense of comfort in his arms.

     “Missed you Bug” he murmurs pressing a kiss to the top of your head.

     “Missed you too Dad” you mumble against his chest.

     “Who’s the tall man with my dog” he asks gruffly.

     “Oh um Dad this is Andrew; Andrew this is my father Frederick” you hum stepping back from your fathers embrace.

     “He……hello Mr. Von Brandt it’s nice to ehm it’s nice meet you” Andrew stutters standing to reach his hand out towards your father.

     “Mmm” your dad hums sizing Andrew up. Despite being two inches shorter than Andrew, your father outweighed him in muscle mass.

     “Be nice” you warn raising your eyebrow at him.

     “I am being nice but you’re my youngest I’m allowed to size him up” your father grumbles in reply.

     “Are Emma and Delilah here yet” you ask quickly changing the subject.

     “Yeah they’re out on the back porch with Mark and Maria” he nods towards the back door.

     “C’mon Andy come meet my older sisters and their partners” you hum dragging him from the room.

     “Christ you didn’t warn me your Dad was so scary” Andrew breaths as you drag him through the dining room and kitchen to the door leading out to the back porch.

     “He’s not that intimidating to me so I guess I didn’t think about it sorry baby” you murmur turning around to kiss his cheeks.

     “It’s alright” he smiles softly down at you.

     Turning, you open the back door stepping onto the porch with Andrew following directly behind “Hey bitches” you greet

     “Oh so she moves to Ireland and suddenly it’s ok to call us slurs” Delilah scoffs rolling her eyes playfully at you.

     “The audacity” Emma chimes.

     “I called you bitches before I moved, and you damn well know it” you laugh.

     “Hey shithead” Mark, Delilah’s husband, greets you holding his arms out wide for a hug.

     “Hey dickhead” you reply stepping into his embrace.

     “Oi you can’t just show up with a random tall man and not tell us who he is” Maria, Emma’s partner, chimes in from her place in the corner of the porch.

     “Oh shit sorry this is Andrew my boyfriend” you say stepping back and wrapping your arm around Andrews waist. “Andy this is Delilah and Emma my older sisters and Emma’s partner Maria and dipshit here is Delilah’s husband Mark”

     “Oh ehm hi” Andrew waves awkwardly at them.

     “Nice to meet you man” Mark greets sticking his hand out to shake Andrew’s.

     “Likewise” Andrew nods.

====

About twenty minutes later.

     You’d sat outside in the cool June evening air catching up with your sisters and their partners, allowing time for Andrew to get to know them.

     Eventually you move back inside to the dining room for dinner. Andrew sits to your right Mark, to your left you Isobel and your dad at the heads of the table while Maria, Emma and Delilah sat across from you.

     “So” Isobel hums after a few minutes of silent eating.

     “So…” you Emma, and Delilah all chime at once.

     “Andrew…” she directs causing you to tense up involuntarily.

     “Mrs. Von Brandt” he says turning to address your stepmother.

     “Isobel please” she smiles sickeningly sweet at him causing you and your sisters to make eye contact a silent conversation passing between the three of you. “How long have you known our Ophelia”

     “Oh ehm my best mate actually introduced us at one of my gigs about what five years ago now” Andrew answered around a bite of Salisbury steak.

     “Well four years and a handful of months because Sue didn’t introduce Alex and I still I was there for about two months and then your gig wasn’t for another month or so” you hum nervously resting your hand on his thigh to keep you from rubbing your skin raw from anxiety.

     “Oh shit yeah you’re right ehm bit of ehm time blindness” Andrew laughs.

     “God don’t remind me” you laugh patting his thigh.

     “Oh our Ophelia is neurotic when it comes to timelines and schedules” Isobel smiles.

     You flinch slightly at the possessive term Andrew rests his hand on top of yours reassuringly. “I just like to be on time but you know as well as I that I live with the knowledge that the other day could be any day between today and my birth” you laugh awkwardly.

     “You were always bad at that when we were kids” Delilah smirks sitting back in her seat.

     “You’re right sorry I guess I would remember that if you called to talk to your father and I more often” Isobel sighs.

     “I’m sorry I have a lot going on at home I don’t have the time to call every week” you reply pushing your food away from you suddenly too nauseous to eat.

     “But see here’s the thing you don’t seem too busy to call your grandparents or your sisters but somehow you’re too busy to call your father and me the woman who stepped up to act as your mother when your own mother couldn’t be bothered half the time” Isobel scoffs folding her hands in front of her face her elbows resting on the table.

     Your eyes flick between Emma and Delilah, both of which look disappointed but not surprised by the sudden turn of the night. “Don’t come at me with that shit Isobel” you scoff your hand carding in your hair from frustration.

     “Ophelia” your dad warns.

     “No dad I’m done I’ve realized something since moving to Ireland” you snap “It’s shit like this why I couldn’t wait to fucking put a whole god damn ocean between myself and you guys hell the day we landed I had to go fight Nicole for Maggie and that made me realized that I’ve finally had enough and I don’t deserve this shit anymore hell I never deserved it neither did Emma or Delilah” your frustration rising with each word.

     “Oh here we go again Ophelia is going to wax poetic about how shitty her childhood was here when if you ask Lily or Aaron who unfortunately couldn’t be here tonight because their work schedules couldn’t be moved around at the whim of Princess Ophelia” Isobel laughs bitterly. “They’ll tell you their childhood wasn’t all that bad”

     “Oh yes because my month notice to have at least one night off so I could see my siblings that I haven’t seen in over a year wasn’t enough time for them to request a night off but of course your precious children can do no wrong” you scoff “do you wanna know why I don’t call you and dad that often Isobel hmm do you”

     “Oh I’d love to hear what pathetic little woe is me excuse you can come up with” She scoffs waving her hands at you to continue.

     Instinctively Andrew’s hand finds its way to your thigh trying to comfort you. “Breath” he murmurs softly under his breath to you.

     You squeeze his hand in silent reply. “I don’t call because every conversation with you drains me emotionally, I have to have a social battery around you even with a whole fucking ocean between us” you reply holding back tears, you refused to cry.

     “Ah yes the WebMD diagnosis well some of us have real problems and actually struggle with mental health Ophelia but thanks for trying” Isobel scoffs.

     “Right well I’m done so Andy lets um let’s just uh let’s just go” you stutter standing from the table tears pooling in your eyes.

     “Alright love” Andrew murmurs standing with you.

     “Oh there goes the big baby leaving instead of having an adult conversation” Isobel mocks

     “Oh c’mon on Isobel stop being such a raging bitch” Delilah snaps suddenly standing from the table the sound of chair legs scraping across the floor echoing in the room.

     “Oh look big sister Delilah fighting Ophelia’s battles once more” Isobel scoffs rolling her eyes.

     “C’mon Mark lets go” Delilah sighs standing to follow you and Andrew out the door.

     “I hope you’re happy you alienated Ophelia more than she already was Isobel” Emma sighs standing from the table as well Maria following behind wordlessly.

     “Can you believe this” Isobel scoffs once you’ve all left.

     “Just…… shut up for once in your Isobel” Frederick snaps slamming his palms down on the table before silently stalking after you.

====

Outside

     “I’m sorry you had to witness that Bear” you hiccup having finally calmed down from your panic attack.

     “Hey sorry we didn’t step in sooner Phel” Emma calls coming down the walk to where you and Andrew were standing huddled together.

     "Yeah, we should’ve put an end to it before she got out of hand” Delilah agrees.

     “it’s not your fault that she is well Isobel” you sigh turning in Andrews arms to face them your hands still wrapped securely around his waist your head still pressed firmly to his chest.

     “I guess that’s fair” Emma sighs stuffing her hands in her pockets.

     “Phelly Bug” Frederick calls stepping out onto the front porch.

     “With all due respect Mr. Von Brandt, I think Ophelia has dealt with enough already tonigh” Andrew calls tightening his hold on you.

     “It’s alright Bear” you murmur cupping his cheek pressing a quick kiss to his lips before turning to step towards your father. “Dad” you murmur.

     “Phel I…” he starts

     “No let me say this first” you cut him off raising your hand to stop him. “I’ve cut contact with Nicole and honestly after tonight I can’t find a reason to not do the same to you and Isobel I really wanted to come here and introduce you to Andrew and have a good night but I’m not going to sit in there and explain why I’ve done the things I’ve had to do for my own wellbeing be that physical or mental every choice I’ve made since turning eighteen has been for the betterment of me and if I have to cut contact with you to keep the peace that I have so carefully carved out for myself in Ireland then by God I will cut you out” you continue pinching the bridge of your nose between your thumb and pointer finger.

     “I…… I guess I deserve that” Frederick sighs. “If that’s what you need to do then I guess I will try my best to respect your wishes just know that I love you no matter what Bug”

     “I love you too Dad and this is by no means an easy decision for me to make but it is one that I have to make” you sniffle wiping at the tears slipping down your cheeks.

     “C’mere” he sighs holding his arms out for you to step into his embrace.

     “I do love you Dad I just don’t love the choices you’ve made and how they make me feel” you murmur against his chest.

     He sighs in reply knowing that there was nothing he could say that would make it any better. “Take care Dad” you sigh smiling bittersweetly at your father stepping back from his embrace towards Andrew.

     “You too kiddo” he sighs

     “Alright I’ve had enough from today I love you all we’ll have to have you out to Ireland sometime to visit but I really want to go back to our hotel and just rot before getting our flight home” you sigh hugging each of your siblings and their respective partners.

     “We love you too” they all chime at once.

     “It was nice meeting you Andrew” Maria hums from her place at Emma’s side.

     “Yeah it was nice meeting you I’m sorry you had to witness the worst part of this family” Emma agreed.

     “Nah it’s alright I’m just glad to know Ophelia had someone in her corner before me” Andrew nods popping open your door for you. Once you’re seated he shuts your door before making his way into the passenger seat. Pulling out of the drive you honk your horn once before focusing on the road ahead.

====

Back at the hotel.

     As soon as you got back you wordlessly stripped down to just your panties and an old t-shirt before crawling under the covers. Following your lead Andrew strips to just his boxers and his pajama shirt before crawling in behind you.

     “Penny for you thoughts” he murmurs pressing a kiss to your shoulder, his hand snaking its way under your shirt flattening against your sternum holding you flush against him.

     “I’m just thinking about getting home to our babies and how I can’t wait for my monthly dinner date with Rainey and Sue next week” you sigh pressing back into him. “I just want to get back to our life and put all of this shit as far behind me as I possibly can”

     “Well if it makes you feel any better we can just vegetate in here for the next three days” Andrew hums nuzzling against you.

     “Sounds perfect” you sigh “Now lets get some sleep I’m exhausted”

     “Sleep well Darling” he murmurs pressing a soft kiss to your jawline “I love you”

     “Mmm love you too bear” you mumble already half asleep.

====

Present day October 2020

     After you’d gotten Aoibhe back to sleep with her faithful guardians watching over her, you and Andrew headed back to bed. Managing to pull off another four hours of sleep before soft incoherent babbling crackled over the speakers of the baby monitor pulling you from your slumber.

     “Mmm the spawn is awake” you mumble sleepily rolling into Andrew’s bare chest.

     “Ngh” he grunts in reply turning to burrow his nose into your hair, his arms wrapping tightly around your waist. Refusing to open his eyes because he knew he wouldn’t be going back to sleep once he did.

     “I’ve gotta get up my tits are killing me” you groan trying to roll out of his arms.

     “Mmm I can solve that” he mumbles sleepily pressing kisses along your jaw.

     “Mmm as nice as that sounds, I’d like to actually breast feed our daughter this morning instead of using that infernal pump” you hum leaning your head up to kiss his lips.

     “I wasn’t talking about using the pump” Andrew mumbled against your lips.

     “Oh trust me babe I know” you laugh cupping his cheek. “Maybe later Mama wants to have a glass of wine at dinner tonight and I don’t want to use that fucking pump if I don’t have to”

     “Hmm fine” he sighs releasing you from his hold.

     “Thank you” you laugh kissing the tip of his nose before rolling out of bed.

     “Mmm álainn” he murmurs softly to himself watching as you pull his button up pajama shirt from the back of his desk chair slipping it over your head.

     “Sap” you laugh turning back towards the bed hands on your hips showing off your pale blue boyshort style panties.

     “It’s not my fault that the morning sun solely exists to accentuate your natural beauty” he shrugs standing from the bed coming up to wrap his arms around your waist. “I’m just grateful I get to witness it”

     “God I thought you were a sap before but I fear fatherhood has just made you worse” you laugh kissing his lips softly.

     “Yeah but you love it” he smiles goofily at you.

     “Mmm never said I didn’t” you murmur nipping at his nose before slipping from his arms. “Now I really must go take care of the spawn before she becomes the spawn of Satan” you laugh

     “Ah yes but she’s our little spawn of Satan” he calls after you.

====

     “Do I smell bacon” you hum stepping into the kitchen a short while later shirt hanging open with your daughter suckling contently at your breast.

     “And sausage and French toast” Andrew hums turning to kiss your lips. “Good morning Darling” he murmurs leaning down to press a kiss to your daughters head.

     Aoibhe lets out a soft disgruntled noise slapping at your breast. “I don’t think she appreciated the interruption Dad” you laugh softly.

     “Six months old and she already has the attitude of a teenager” he scoffs focusing back on making breakfast.

     “What are we going to do when she is a teenager” you sigh sitting down at the breakfast bar.

     “We won’t have to worry about that she’s going to stay my sweet little baby forever” Andrew says matter of factly.

     “Oh is that right” you laugh.

     “Mmm” Aoibhe hums slapping at your breast impatiently.

     “Oh I’m so sorry your highness are you ready to switch boobies” you laugh at her antics as you adjust her to feed from your other breast.

     “She’s a lass that knows what she wants” Andrew shrugs flipping the last piece of French toast onto the plate.

     “Knock knock” Maggie calls stepping into your kitchen.

     “Jesus Christ” you yelp jumping in your seat. “I regret giving you the passcode and a key to this house sometimes” you sigh.

     “Ah but then you’d miss me” she grins goofily at you.

     “Yeah but I wouldn’t miss my privacy” you scoff.

     “Privacy smivacy” she shrugs “Morning Andy” she grins leaning up on her tiptoes to press a kiss to his cheek in greeting.

     “Morning Mags” he laughs “How’s school”

     Once Maggie turned eighteen and graduated high school, she moved to Ireland to pursue her college degree in history at Trinity. With her being a short train ride away from your house in Wicklow you and Andrew gave her a key so she could watch over the place while you’re off on tour with Andrew. She was now in her senior year of college with plans to go back for her masters to hopefully become a professor.

     “Oh you know, well come to think of it I guess you wouldn’t cause you’re a drop out” she shrugs sitting down across from you at the breakfast bar.

     “Yeah well who’s the famous musician” Andrew snarks sticking his tongue out at her.

     “Puhleeeease you got lucky” she laughs.

     “These two things can be true at the same time” Andrew shrugs sitting a plate of food in front of both you and Maggie before taking his own seat beside you.

     “Thank you baby” you murmur leaning over to kiss his lips before popping a bite of French toast in your mouth.

     “Course” he hums reaching over to cup the back of Aoibhe’s head lovingly.     

     “God you two are so sweet it makes me physically ill” Maggie groans stuffing bacon into her mouth.

     “God me too and I’m the one in the relationship” you laugh.

     “I don’t know whether or not to be offended” Andrew scoffs rolling his eyes.

     “Ah but you chose me and my cynical outlook” you smile scrunching your nose at him.

     “Babe puhleeeease we’re both cynics” he laughs.

     “This is true” you nod.

     “Mmm ba” Aoibhe mumbles slapping happily at your chest.

     “C’mere Peaches” Andrew hums reaching over to bring Aoibhe into his lap so you can fix your shirt and eat with both hands.

     “Mmm” she hums face planting into Andrew’s chest.

     “Goofy grape” you laugh reaching over to tweak her foot.

     “She comes by it honestly” Andrew laughs “that’s also your favorite place to rest”

     “It’s a comfy place” you shrug stuffing the last of your breakfast in your mouth.

     “Yes well if you’re done with your sickeningly sweet shit I thought I could kidnap my sister for the day” Maggie says clapping her hands in front of her face.

     “Oh I don’t know” you sigh.

     “I think that’s a perfect idea” Andrew nods “Don’t you Peaches let Mama take the day off maybe go to the city for a little bit you and I will go over and bother Uncle Alex and maybe we can convince Uncle Stevie out of his gaff for a bit I don’t think that man can say no to your little face” he hums pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

     “Yeah Phelly let the man take Aoibhe for the day we can go do some shopping get some lunch and I’ll have you back in time for dinner at Rainey and Johnny’s tonight” Maggie states matter of factly taking her dishes and yours to the sink.

     “Alright alright but please don’t corrupt my baby while I’m gone” you sigh standing from the table.

     “Me corrupt Aoibhe never” Andrew scoffs “We’re just gonna teach her that he Uncle Alex is part colonizer and that he needs to know his place” he shrugs “isn’t that right Peaches”

     “Alright well that’s fine someone’s gotta remind him of his place” you nod “I’m gonna go get dressed”

     “Give me the baby” Maggie demands holding out her hands.

     “God you’re just as demanding as Ophelia” Andrew rolls his eyes handing Aoibhe across the breakfast bar.

     “Meh” she shrugs “Hi baby” Maggie squeals booping the tip of Aoibhe’s nose.

====

Twenty minutes later

     “Alright give me my baby I wanna love on her before we leave” you call coming into the living room arms outstretched.

     “See how she’s not even worried about me anymore” Andrew sighs dramatically.

     “Oh hush you’re my partner this is my baby I made her” you roll your eyes at him playfully slapping his shoulder before pulling Aoibhe into your arms.

     “I suppose I can’t argue with that” he shrugs kissing your forehead “And she’s perfect”

     “That she is” you smile kissing her chubby little cheeks pulling the sweetest little giggle from her.

     “Alright let’s get going Phel” Maggie claps “give the man his baby she’ll be here when we get back”

     “Alright alright bye my baby” you sigh kissing her one last time before handing her off to Andrew.

     “Do I atleast get a kiss before you go” Andrew whines dramatically.

     “Oh my god you act like I would forget you” you roll your eyes leaning up to kiss his lips softly. “Love you be good” you murmur against his lips.

     “I’m always good” he scoffs “I love you too”

====

Later that night

     After dropping Maggie back off at her apartment in Dublin you went home to get ready for your weekly dinner at Raine and John’s house.

     “C’mon Andrew we’re going to be late” you called down the hall Aoibhe sitting on your hip chewing away at a teething toy. “I swear to god your Daddy is going to be the death of me with his time blindness” you sigh kissing her head as you pace the living room.

     “I’m coming I’m coming sorry I couldn’t find my fucking watch” he sighs jogging down the hall as he fastens his watch to his wrist.

     “It’s fine you just know I hate being late to shit” you sigh accepting his kiss to your cheek

     “Perk of living like two minutes down the road” he shrugs opening the front door for you.

     “Yeah but it’s a nice night and I wanted to walk there” you sigh stepping out the door.

     “We still have time we can still walk to their house we’re not running that late I promise” Andrew replies following you down the dirt path that connected your house and his parents home.

     “That’s only because I lied and told you dinner was earlier than it actually is” you grin wiggling your eyebrows at him.

     “Do you hear her Aoibhe your Mam’s playing me like a fiddle” he gasps

     “Yeah and you love it” you grin winking at him.

====

Fifteen minutes later

     “Rainey” you call stepping into Andrew’s childhood home. “Johnny”

     “In here Honey” Raine calls from the kitchen.

     Slipping off your vans at the door you make your way further into the house.

     “There’s my Duckie” Raine squeals pressing a kiss to your cheek before taking your daughter from your arms. “Hello Honey”

     “Hi Mama Rainey” you grin “Where’s Johnny” you hum.

     “He’s in his chair in the living room dear you leave this one to me” Raine replies accept Andrew kiss to the cheek.

     “Hi Ma” he murmurs

     “Hi Bunny” she replies reaching up to pat his cheek.

     “I’m gonna go say hi to your father babe” you tell him squeezing his bicep before turning toward the living room leaving Andrew and his mother to conspire amongst themselves in your absence.

     “Hello Sweetheart, how are you” John greets from his place in his armchair by the hearth.

     “Hi Johnny” you grin bending down to give him a hug.

     “How are you dear” he hums

     “I’m good I just got my latest book back for proofing so that’s always great but now I have to find the time around taking care of Aoibhe to proofread it” you reply curling up at the end of the couch facing John.

     “Well if you ever need Raine and I to watch her we’d be delighted to have her over” John smiles “Gotta make sure that lad is doing his fair share of the work too”

     “Oh I swear sometimes I have to fight him to let me help with her she’s got him wrapped around her little finger I swear to god” you laugh.

     “I mean can you blame me she’s fucking adorable” Andrew defends coming into the living room. “Plus, it doesn’t help that she looks just like her Mam”

     “Sap” you laugh rolling your eyes at his antics.

     “Speaking of where is my grandbaby” John chimes in.

     “Mam wouldn’t give her back so you’ll have to take that up with her” Andrew shrugs “but dinner should be ready soon anyways”

     “I swear that woman would steal her if she could” you laugh.

     “Don’t go putting that thought in her head” John laughs.

====

30 minutes later

     “Dinner was delicious Rainey” you hum leaning back in your seat “God I think I ate too much” you groan.

     “That’s when you know the meal was good” Raine laughs “thank you honey”

     “I’m gonna take Aoibhe up to Andy’s old room to feed her before she gets fussy, she’s been going through a cluster feeding phase again and is refusing real food” you sigh standing from the table and pulling Aoibhe from her highchair.

     “Do you mind if I come with you dear” Raine asks.

     “I was actually going to ask you that I have something I wanna talk with you about” you reply.

     “Perfect” Raine hums.

====

     Up in Andrew’s old room you sat back against the headboard eyes closed as Aoibhe fed. “Nicole called me the other day” you blurt out.

     “Oh and how did that go” Raine asks sitting beside you her head turned to face you.

     “She’s in the phase were she’s playing the whole I’ve changed can’t you give your mother a second chance I just want to be in your life you know all that bullshit” you sigh brushing the back of your pointer finger along Aoibhe’s chubby little cheek. “I just…… after having Aoibhe hell simply finding out I was pregnant with Aoibhe I realized I couldn’t imagine living with myself doing anything she or Isobel did to me and my siblings”

     “Unfortunately Honey some people have kids when they shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near children, I’m just sorry you had to be one of those children born to that type of person” Raine sighs “But the fact that you recognize that you could never do that to your child just shoes that you’re going to be an amazing mother”

     “God, I hope you’re right Rainey” you sniffle resting your head on her shoulder.

     “I know I’m right Love I think I’d know if my daughter was fit for motherhood or not” Raine murmurs pressing a soft kiss to the top of your head.

     “Rainey why couldn’t you have raised me” you sigh sniffling softly.

     “I wish I could’ve kept you from the childhood you had” she sighs resting her cheek against the top of your head “But then you never would have started dating Andrew and we wouldn’t have Miss Aoibhe Raine here and you wouldn’t be the kindhearted stubborn and strong woman I so willingly call my daughter because you might not have come from me, but I love you like a daughter and I’m beyond proud of who you are and how hard you’ve worked to get yourself here”

     “I love you too Mama Rainey” you sniffle laughing softly when Aoibhe smacks her tiny palm against your chest.

     “She’s telling you she loves you” Raine laughs softly

     “I love you too Little Bear” you sniffle softly.

====

     Once Aoibhe was fed you handed her over to Raine to fix your clothes before you head back downstairs.

     “Andy” you call out finding the downstair empty.

     “John” Raine calls coming up behind you. “Maybe they went out back” she suggests walking towards the backdoor.

     “It is a surprisingly nice night” you nod following after her. Stepping through the back door you find the entire backyard filled with twinkling faerie lights while Stevie Wonder’s Sugar played through a portable speaker. “What’s going on” you murmur turning to Raine.

     “Give me Duckie” Raine hums instead of answering your question. “C’mere to Granny” she smiles sweetly, taking Aoibhe into her arms before guiding you down into the yard.

     Making your way further into the yard you find pictures of you and Andrew hanging from the faerie lights. Stepping up to one of the photos you find a poem written on the back it was one he’d written for you after finding out you were pregnant. “Andy” you choke out moving to the next photo.

     “Ophelia” he calls softly.

     “Oh” you gasp tearfully turning to find him down on one knee in the middle of the faerie lights surrounded by more photos of your story of your life together. Your hand coming up to cover your mouth as tears pool in your eyes. “Andy I…… I actually um I bought a ring I was going to ask you when we got home tonight” you let out a watery laugh pulling out a men’s wedding ring made of a black silver with leaf engravings around the band a small princess cut moss agate stone set along the inside of the band. “Unfortunately, I couldn’t find an engagement ring, so I bought your wedding band” you shrug shakily stepping towards him kneeling in front of him.

     “It’s perfect you’re perfect” he laughs “If you ehm if you don’t mind, I’ve been practicing this speech for weeks” he stutters nervously.

     “No please” you nod wiping at your tears.

     “Dove I’m obviously going to say yes hell I’ve been carrying this ring in my pocket since you told me you were pregnant with Aoibhe I’ve just been waiting for the perfect moment to ask you, I’ve only recently realized that every moment with you is the perfect moment and I’m just too much of a chicken to ask you” he chuckles tears already pouring down his face. “I know I say love at first sight is too sweet to be savory but some part of my soul knew the minute I laid eyes on you in that dingy pub seven years ago that one day I’d end up here on one knee begging you to marry me, because for some unknown reason I am lucky enough that you would choose a man so beneath you to love and build a life with” he hiccupped sniffling slightly “I find my place between your arms, I find my place between your tender kisses, I find it in the soft whispers of it will be alright that you press against my head on my bad days, I find it in the warmth of your embrace and the scent of your neck, I find home in the fierceness of your touch, my soul finds it’s place lost inside of yours” he shutters barely managing to hold back a sob. “And as James Joyce once wrote your love has passed through me and now I feel my mind something like an opal that is full of strange uncertain hues and colours of warm lights and quick shadows and of broken music” he sniffles leaning into your touch as you reach up to wipe his cheeks. “On ehm on that note will you Ophelia Rose Von Brandt marry me”

     “Oh my god yes” you laugh tears pouring down you face as you pull him in for a deep kiss.

     Resting your forehead against his, both of your hands shaking as he slips a beautiful black silver engagement ring cut to look like vines wrapped around one another, with small aquamarine stones scattered intermittently between the leaves, a pear cut moss agate stone at the center.

     “Do you hear that Duckie Mama and Daddy are getting married” you hear Raine murmur.

     Turning to see your daughter happily chewing on her favorite duck plushie her head contently resting against Raine’s shoulder.

     “I love you so much” you sniffle shakily kissing Andrews lips.

     “I love you too Dove” he murmurs “now lets go celebrate”

     “Rainey did you know” you laugh stepping into her embrace.

     “A mother always knows of course I did” Raine laughs kissing your cheek.

     “Congrats son” John smiles pulling his son down for a hug.

     “Now you two we’ve got Aoibhe for the night Andrew already dropped a bag for her this afternoon we’ve got everything the little darling could need go on home have a night just the two of you celebrate the engagement we love you” John says taking your outstretched hand.

     “Now off with you I will take no argument” Raine says holding up her hand before you can say anything.

     “Thank you” you sniffle kissing John’s cheek.

====

     After saying your tearful good-byes to Aoibhe, you thank Raine and John once more before heading home.

     The door is barely closed before you have Andrew up against the wall your hands buried in his hair as your tongues battle for dominance. “God I love you” you moan against him. 

     “Christ I love you too” he breaths hands tugging at the hemline of your shirt pulling it up over your head.

     “Bedroom” you purr tugging at his belt.

     “God I thought you’d never ask” he groans. Grabbing at your hips he hoists you up into his arms before carrying you down the hall towards your bedroom his lips never leaving your skin.

     Stepping into the bedroom he tosses you on the bed “Andrew” you squeal bouncing in the center of the bed.

     He lets out a bark of a laugh before peeling his shirt over his head, making quick work of his socks and shoes before slipping off yours for you. “Fiancé it’s got a nice ring to it doesn’t it” he murmurs pressing a kiss to your stomach.

     “Ophelia Hozier-Byrne has an even better one” you hum biting your bottom lip.

     “Mmm that it does” he breaths against the soft plump flesh of your stomach making his way up to your breasts. His hands make their way to the waistline of your shorts making quick work of the buttons before pulling them down your legs. “Now I wonder if you taste any different as my fiancé” he murmurs trailing kisses down your midsection making his way to your blue cotton panties.

     “Please” you whine arching off the bed as he hooks his thumbs in the waistline of your panties tugging them down your legs.

     “So impatient” he tsks nipping at your hip bones. “So needy” he hums pressing a kiss to the mound at the apex of your thighs.

     “Want you” you whine tugging at his hair.

     “You have me forever” he murmurs brushing his thumb against your engagement ring.

     “Forever” you murmur in reply.

     Leaning forward he presses his tongue flat against your entrance groaning at the taste of you. “Fuck” you gasp carding your hand in his hair once more.

     Sucking your clit into his mouth Andrew presses a finger into your warm wet heat curling it to press against your g-spot. Pumping his fingers in and out of you he nips at your clit pulling a strangled groan from you.

     “Andy I……” you gasp tugging at his hair. “Fuck I want you”

     “You have me” he grins devilishly up at you from between your legs.

     “No I want your cock” you purr.

     “Mmm I suppose only because you asked so nicely” he hums kissing his way up your body once more taking your lips with his.

     Your hands find their way to his belt once more, tugging it free from his jeans, making quick work of his button and zipper you shove at his jeans. “Off” you demand

     Laughing Andrew stands shucking his jeans and boxers off in one go before crawling back onto the bed.

“Condom” you breath fisting his cock giving him an experimental tug.

“Christ” he hisses dropping his head to your shoulder. “You’re gonna fuck… you’re gonna have to let go Christ…… of me for that” he stutters as you work your hand up and down his shaft.

“Mmm who’s the needy one now” you smirk releasing him so he can reach into his nightstand for a condom.

Ripping the foil open with his teeth he lets out a soft groan as he fists himself rolling the latex down his shaft. Lining himself up with your entrance he presses into you. “Fuck baby” he groans sinking all the way in to the hilt.

“Christ” you gasp arching into him.

Gripping your hips Andrew pulls out before slamming back into you. “Ngh” he whines setting a brutal pace slamming his hips into yours his cock dragging against your g-spot with each thrust.

“Fuck Andrew” you moan nails clawing at the bare skin of his back.

“Fuck” he hisses mouthing at your breasts his tongue swirling around the hardened bud before sucking it into his mouth.

“Jesus” you whine carding your hands in his hair rolling your hips against his meeting him thrust for thrust. A gasp tares from your parted lips as you feel your milk let down pulling a groan from Andrew as he drinks from you.

“Fuck I’m close” you whine as he brings a hand down between your bodies pressing a finger against your clit drawing his name against the sensitive bud.

“Cum for me baby” he groans releasing your nipple with a gentle pop kissing his way over to your neglected breast. “Cum on my cock”

“Andrew” you whine arching into his mouth as he sucks your other nipple into his mouth once more drinking from you like a man starved.

“Shit…… fuck” you gasp tumbling over the edge your walls clenching around his cock as he works you through your orgasm chasing his own.

“Fuck baby” he groans against you “that’s it cum for me” he breaths burrowing into your neck.

“Ngh” you whine tugging at his hair.

“Jesus Christ” he groans slamming into you once more before his hips still buried to the hilt as he follows you over the edge.

“Good boy” you praise softly as he slumps on top of you still buried to the hilt inside of you.

“Ngh” he whimpers rolling off of you to dispose of the soiled condom.

Lazily you drag yourself under the covers turning to face him as he shuffles back towards the bed. “God I can’t believe we’re getting married” he laughs softly. Burrowing under the covers, pressing his face into your neck he pulls your naked body flush against his.

“Honestly I gave up on marriage at the rip old age of thirteen but if anyone was going to convince me to into it, I’m glad it’s you” you murmur pressing a kiss to his chest your knee hooking over his waist.

“Mmm I’m honored its me” he hums pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“I can’t believe we managed to buy matching rings without even trying” you laugh sleepily gazing at your newest ring.

“Just another sign we were meant for each other” he shrugs fighting off a yawn.

“Mmm I suppose so” you mumble half asleep.

“Get some rest love” Andrew murmurs sleepily kissing the crown of your head.

“A chuisle mo chroί” you mumble sleepily your eyes drooping shut.

“A chuisle mo chroί” he murmurs softly in reply.

The End (for now)

Mates of Soul

Engagement Rings

 

[fleurstar222]

[lilly-townshend]

[ssilverscale]

[WIP]

Hello sonic fandom!

[hauntingoldhouses]

what we're supposed to do with all his friends around?

[bruce-slutsteen]

Hozier covering “The Weight” by the Band at Madison Square Garden with his dad, John Byrne, playing drums. It’s so cute.

New York City, October 1, 2023

[man-i-love-folklore]

my bitch pose is NASTY

screenshot taken from tiktok by the lovely Shelby

[python333]

residual self-image — python³

― ― ― ―

synopsis residual self-image is the mental projection of your digital self; it refers to your own physical appearance that is understood by you, that is projected unto you by yourself. you see yourself as something to be ashamed of. price sees something different.

relationships platonic!captain price & gn!reader.

characters cap. price.

word count 7.6k

warnings anxiety/panic attack [not sure exactly how to classify it; i think it's more of an anxiety attack?], reader takes SSRIs [zoloft/sertraline], suicidal thoughts and almost-suicide attempt, reader is the most unreliable narrator known to mankind, second person pov [you/your/yourself], usage of [name], usage of [c/n] for call sign/code name, bad matrix references/spoilers for the matrix and the matrix: reloaded.

note please please PLEASE let me know if this comes off as me romanticizing having anxiety or taking antidepressants so that i can fix/rewrite it /srs i don't take any form of antidepressants or anxiety medication and i also am not diagnosed with either of those!! nothing i say is final!!! i do not have firsthand experience with what reader goes through in this fic!! sorry i disappeared for a second, have some food as an apology. again, feel free to correct me on anything you think is inaccurate and i will (most likely) change it!! also sorry for like 3k words of backstory oopsies

In The Matrix, Morpheus gives Neo two options: blue pill, or red pill?

He says that if Neo takes the blue pill, “the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe”. But the second option, the red pill, if Neo takes that, he will “stay in wonderland and [he] show [Neo] how deep the rabbit hole goes”. Neo, of course, takes the red pill, and is shown the “real world”. 

Neo is thought to be “the One”. With the “O” in “One” being capitalized, so you know that it’s a pretty important title. 

In the end, Neo becomes confident in who he is and what he can do, and defeats the “Agents”. Trinity confesses her love to a “sleeping” Neo, their ship is getting attacked by whatever those weird fuckin’ creatures were called, and Neo defeats the last of the agents. The end. 

You take pills too. But yours are blue. They’re matte, powdery, baby-blue pills that are branded with the name “ZOLOFT”. It’s sertraline, to be specific, and you’ve been taking it for the past few months. You’re new to pills like these, ones meant to treat anxiety and depression and a number of other medical issues, so you didn’t know how much to take at first. You asked your doctor so many questions. You think about it often, and wonder if, even though it’s their job, that doctor had gotten annoyed at some point because of your inquiry. 

These pills do similar things to the ones in The Matrix, though. You take them, preferably at night, and wake up in your bed like you always do. You believe whatever you want to believe, and another chapter is closed at the end of every day, marking another page closer to the end of your story. 

Some days, the story feels like it’s going to end sooner than expected. 

A side effect of sertraline―or, well, Zoloft specifically―happens to be suicidal ideation. It’s not that common, not that talked about, and isn’t the most well-known. But then again, most mental disorder-treating medicines have some kind of side effect like that, and plenty of people take things like antidepressants without an issue―or so you thought―so surely you could deal with something as simple as sertraline, right?

Wrong. So, so, wrong. 

It’s probably really bad for a person who works in a military group to be dealing with such thoughts. You think about quitting sometimes, for the sake of the other people in the task force, because what could happen if the wrong straw breaks the wrong camel’s back while you’re doing an assignment? What if, caught in the crossfire between your team and your enemy, you say fuck it and decide that it’s all just too much? What are the odds of that happening? What are the odds of anything happening? What were the odds of the Earth being created, of the first animals evolving, of the first humans speaking the first languages? Statistics are so important, chance is so important, and odds determine everything. What are the odds of you deciding whether or not you have the will to live? The ability to keep going, to keep the routine you’ve always kept, to keep from taking one of those G19s from the armory and turning off the safety before pulling the trigger? To commit to such a permanent solution, one you’ve deemed as the “s-word”, because thinking about it sometimes is too much.

Or maybe it’d be a rope, your brain continues without your consent, A chain. Anything that will hold your body weight up enough for you to dangle from the fan on the ceiling―an image that makes you lean towards a chain, sickeningly enough, because of the idea of your abnormally stretched neck on display. The purple bruising that would appear, the indentations of each link, the smell of your blood and the metal of the chain unable to be told apart. Maybe your eyes would still be open, and it would look like you’re staring down at anyone who walks into your office. There’s so many possibilities. They add up, and create new odds, new chances. Every time you simply think, you are creating a new way to go about life, and that creation is sometimes stored so deeply in the back of your mind that it haunts you. It comes back around, becomes more common, the chances of it happening go up. 

Sometimes the odds feel like they aren’t in your favor at all. Sometimes you wonder how you could’ve ever thought that any part of the universe was against you. It’s not bipolar; it doesn’t come and go in extremes, it just comes and goes. The odds will lower in your favor some days, and you will deem those days “bad days”, and other days they will be so high you don’t even think about “good days” or “bad days”. But those other days are almost as bad as the “bad days”, because they go by so quickly. You take them for granted so easily, too easily, and they leak through the thin lines between your fingers, leaving you with nothing by the end of the day. 

Sometimes on “bad days”, your hands go from cupped to praying, and you will plead with yourself to just get better. You never do, on those days, and after taking your medicine you will go to sleep and believe that the next day will be better. Or, at least, convince yourself that the next day will be better. 

You would’ve understood if Neo took the blue pill. If he stayed in blissful ignorance, even after all of the weird shit that happened to him. If he continued to wake up every day in a “normal” world, to sell computer systems and hacking programs, to be anyone but “The One”. 

Because that’s what you do. You take your medicine, and go on with life as normally as possible, even with all of the things that you’ve been through. You wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for saving the world, or beating up robot-alien-things, or whatever. Just like how you don’t want to be held responsible for really just… taking care of yourself. 

Which you’re shit at, by the way, if that doesn’t make things worse. 

You take your sertraline and that’s about it. It’s not like it doesn’t work, it’s just underwhelming sometimes. Before you got on it, you would take more things to heart, think about things more, and were probably a little more prone to actually killing yourself. After starting to take it, it was admittedly pretty rough. It felt like your anxiety had increased a little, like your paranoia had only heightened, and everything felt so elevated. 

Then, maybe a few months after beginning to take it, everything dimmed out. Like one of those lightbulbs you can dim, everything gradually came back down, and even lowered to a more tolerable level. You were glad, at first, that you had endured those first few months the way that you did because you’re not sure you would’ve even been here to this day had you not. Reading several articles and Reddit posts about Zoloft definitely didn’t help, especially as someone who was taking it partially for anxiety, but still, you managed. 

And then you realized that just taking the medicine didn’t do as much as you hoped it would. 

It helps you deal with anxious and depressive thoughts, yes, but you still feel like something’s missing. That lightbulb in your mind has dimmed, but it’s only just enough light to see ahead of you. Before all of this, the light was bright enough to blind you, to make you see that dreadful stark-white that still sometimes haunts you―when it dimmed down to where it is now, it was obviously a relief, but you feel like now there’s not enough light. 

You understand the whole point of the medicine is to dim that light, to help bring down your mental state to a more “normal” one, but you think that even people who don’t have diagnosed mental disorders feel strong emotions like you used to. Maybe not as strong, but definitely something adjacent to it. You miss that, funnily enough―getting strong enough emotions. 

Right now, you’re sitting at your desk in your office, staring down at the plate of mashed potatoes in front of you. You get it almost every time it’s offered, and endure the teasing you get from your teammates, all for one purpose. 

To hide your pills in it.

Mashed potatoes are starchy, yes, but easy to swallow without chewing. They’re thick enough to help hide the feeling of the pill going down your throat, and don’t leave that weird aftertaste in your mouth that taking your medicine with water does. You tried taking the pills with water at first, like you would with any other medicine, but with this specifically you just can’t. It’s too easy to notice, they’re too big to just hide with water, and it feels like swallowing a rock every time you take them with water. 

So, mashed potatoes it is. 

The pill is already mixed into it. You had folded the small blue tablet into the mushed vegetable with a plastic fork, trying to keep it as hidden as possible, making sure no hints of blue bled through the beige-yellow of the potato.

You’re now watching the mashed potatoes, unblinking, as if it’s going to grow legs and run away from you. It’s never truly easy swallowing the medicine, even with the mashed potatoes coating it, but it’s usually easier than it is today. Then again, today was deemed a “bad day” the moment you woke up, so this was to be expected. 

You grab the white plastic fork after a brief moment of hesitation and pierce the food with it, hand trembling ever-so slightly as you do―not from anxiety, but from your lack of water intake―and pick up a clump of potato with little strength. The vegetable oddly weighs your hand down the tiniest bit more than usual, but you ignore this in favor of pushing yourself to just force the food into your mouth. You try your best not to chew, your jaw only really moving to chew the side of your cheek instead to satisfy your urges, and eventually manage to swallow the food. 

Right off the bat, you can tell the cluster you swallowed had the pill in it. Lucky me, you think almost bitterly, not sure whether you should be happy or uncomfortable, at least it’s over with. It’s not that it’s a bad thing that you got to the pill so quickly, but usually you’re able to get a few bites of medicine-less potato in before the actual medicine itself. Nonetheless, you scoop up another fork-full―fork-full?―of mashed potatoes and try to eat as much as you can to get rid of the weird feeling of having a pill going down your throat. 

Just the fleeting thought of having a pill that big going down your throat makes it feel like your esophagus is closing. You feel yourself grow closer to nausea at the feeling, setting down your fork and pushing the paper plate of your dinner aside, just to rest your elbow on the table and put your forehead in the palm of your head. It’s bad enough that you feel ashamed because of the fact you even have to take antidepressants, so it’s even worse that those same antidepressants are throwing bad side-effects at you. 

Ashamed because needing medicine to function the same way anyone else does feels so pathetic to you. Maybe it isn’t pathetic. Actually, you know it isn’t; you don’t look at other people who do the same thing and think that they should feel as ashamed as you do. But you still look at your bright orange prescription bottle, labeled with your legal name, and think that you shouldn’t need it. 

You think, for a moment, that it’s because of how much you’ve dehumanized yourself. 

Dehumanized is such an ugly word, and it leaves a strange bitterness in your mind after thinking about it, but deep down you feel that it’s true. You know that you’re human, obviously, because physically that’s what you are. You are, undeniably, a homo sapien―a person, a living being that is a bipedal primate mammal. You, in a less literal sense, have those same cords attached to you that Neo did when he first went to the “real world”. 

But you need those cords, you think, lifting your head so that your chin is resting in your palm instead of your forehead, you need to stay attached to the Matrix. 

Because you took the blue pill. You found a way to keep yourself attached to the Matrix, to keep yourself grounded to what you wish you could experience without them. And those cables weigh you down, and that pod you stay encased in limits your movement―sometimes you feel more like the pod than the person inside of it―but it all seems so worth it to you, doesn’t it? To keep believing what you want to believe, to wake up everyday and dose yourself with that fifty-milligrams worth of sertraline hidden under a pile of food, to eat that food and swallow that pill even though it makes you feel like a mutt? 

You take a shuddering breath in, your thoughts building up in volume and mass, more questions entering your mind too fast for you to process them all. You feel that familiar rush of adrenaline, the kind that triggers your ‘fight-or-flight’. It lights your nerves on fire and causes them to jump, to electrify, and you feel your fingers twitch with the feeling. It almost feels like there’s something crawling along your nerves, under your skin, and the thought almost triggers your gag reflex. Your eyelids flutter, barely shutting for just a moment before you force them open. Your gaze flits over to the still-mostly-full plate of mashed potatoes. 

You’re usually able to finish them, even on “bad days”. But today, with nausea swirling uncomfortably in your stomach, and a too-big pill going through the thin tubes inside your body, you find that it’s much harder to even think about picking that fork back up. You can almost feel your heart beating through your palm, that continuous th-thump, th-thump growing exponentially faster, and your palm getting sweatier by the second. You shift your feet and find that invisible needles are poking at the bottom of them, small pins that push and prod at your skin that leave a strange hot-cold feeling. It forces you to take the pressure off of your feet by holding them up ever-so slightly, the soles of your shoes just barely touching the ground. 

You swear your heart rate increases at all the different sensations lingering on your body. You can feel your breathing starting to pick up, and for God knows what reason, you suddenly find it difficult to keep your eyes locked onto one object. Your gaze dances around the room as a surge of chills runs up your spine. A trail of goosebumps rises after each wave of biting cold, passing over the bony projections of your dorsum. After having so many of them, you know instinctively the signs of an oncoming anxiety attack, and know how quick those symptoms escalate from simple shallow breaths to the inability to keep your breathing consistent at all. Yes, they develop slower than a panic attack does, but the gradient from fine to not-fine is hard to view as slow when there’s so many symptoms to keep track of.

At the thought of such a thing happening, your gaze instantly locks onto the prescription bottle sitting on your desk. It’s still uncapped―fortunate for you, because you’re seriously doubting your ability to uncap something with a child-proof cap on it right now―and in your eyes is practically glowing. It’s so tempting, because it’s just right there, so easily accessible, so easy to just grab and pour however many pills you need down your throat. The thought makes you realize how dry your mouth feels, how constricted your throat feels, but your mind is too filled with a flurry of incoherent thoughts to dwell on such feelings. 

With your free hand, you grab the uncapped bottle. It shakes with your hand, now more from your building anxiety than your dehydration, and makes the tablets inside rattle. You bring it to your lips, ignoring the chiding voice in the back of your mind telling you how disgusting it is to just put it on your mouth like that, and shake it just enough to get a single pill out of it. The dryness of the pill sticks to the wetness of your mouth, just below the border of your bottom lip. You set the bottle down and poke at the pill with the tip of your tongue, the weird vanilla-like taste of the medicine spreading across the muscle easily. 

Your mouth is dry, so you have to use the residual saliva sitting on your tongue to slick the pill up enough to go down somewhat-smoothly down your throat. It’s still rough, and some areas of the pill remain powdery, the feeling of it sliding down your throat enough to make you gag. For a brief moment, the action causes the pill to lodge in your throat―it’s not big enough to make you choke or anything, but it’s enough to make your heart beat faster and your hands grip onto the edge of your desk tightly. Your thumbs are tucked under the edge, the first knuckle at the tip of your finger bent and the flesh of the tips of your fingers turning lighter from the pressure. 

You cough once you feel the pill go down your esophagus entirely, and breathe raggedly afterwards. Deep down, you know that the medicine takes some time to work, and that if you gave it a little longer than a minute that you’d start feeling better. But the reeling anxiety that wraps around your throat like a chain seems to pull you impossibly farther away from that betterness, and forces your throat to tighten to a point where your breathing feels limited. You go from breathing through your nose to your mouth, where you can still taste the lingering artificial-vanilla with every inhale. 

It’s getting worse, an annoying voice tells you, one that manages to be louder than the others, the medicine’s supposed to help. You’ve only taken a hundred milligrams so far. Another and it’s a hundred and fifty. An overdose is only if it goes over two hundred.

It’s stupid logic but more tempting the more you think about it. It is, after all, only a third pill. You’d be pushing it—

Do you really care all that much that you’re pushing it? What if you want to break that limit? The limits you made, to keep yourself alive, that you still sometimes question the existence of? 

―but that doesn’t really compute well in your mind, and you soon find yourself reaching for the bottle again. Each pill shakes with your hand, and with each tremor another wave of tablets hits the sides of the bottle, like a visual representation of the thoughts that bounce off of the walls of your brain. You lift the bottle, and bring it to your lips, the area that makes contact with your mouth cooler than the rest of the bottle from earlier when you had done the same thing. You’re about to tilt it up before you hear a sudden knock at your door. 

The noise is startling and makes you drop the bottle, the pills spilling over the edge of it and onto the table. 

“Shit,” you curse quietly under your breath, quickly flattening your hand and sweeping all of the pills into a pile, and picking them up in clusters. You manage to get them all back in the bottle before another knock sounds out, and cap the bottle before opening up one of the small drawers on the side of your desk and shoving it in there. 

“Come in!” you call out in a strained voice, praying that you’ll be able to keep it steady for as long as the person at the door needs to talk to you. You close the drawer just as the door creaks open. 

Much to your horror, you look up to see your Captain. 

Your palms are still sweaty as he walks in, so you try to discreetly wipe them off on your pants, and hope to whoever can help you that he doesn’t pay too much attention to the sweat gathered on your forehead. You take a deep breath as silently as you can, attempting to gather yourself before Price can notice anything being wrong.

“It’s a quarter past two,” Price comments once he walks in, closing the door behind him, “why are you still awake?” 

You look over to the digital clock on your desk almost immediately and, oh shit, it is exactly 2:15. You look back over at Price, who is busying himself with pulling the chair that was once in front of your desk around it, presumably to sit next to you. You still feel the dreadfully fast pace of your heart, that th-thump, th-thump, th-thump that you can hear blaring in your ears. It makes itself known in your chest, in your wrist, even in the base of your throat―almost every pulse point in your body has forced you to become aware of its existence.

You swallow dryly, trying to ignore said feeling, and reply, “Why are you still awake?”

Price raises an eyebrow at you, pulling the chair up beside you and sitting down in it, “I asked first.” 

You look at him with an unimpressed look on your face. “Can’t sleep. Why are you up?”

Price hums and leans back in his seat, arms crossing over each other, “Same reason.”

It doesn’t sound like a lie, but it doesn’t sound entirely true either, in your opinion. It’s not that you don’t trust him, but he just seems like he’s up to something. What that something is, though, you aren’t sure. 

“Why the food?” Price nods over to the plate of mashed potatoes, very noticeably unfinished. 

Your gaze follows his to the mashed potatoes. You can still feel the moisture on the palms of your hands, the small tremors that wrack your fingers, and Price’s presence does nothing to soothe your flaming nerves.

“Wanted dinner,” you shrug as casually as you can, forcing a neutral expression onto your face―you briefly overthink what a neutral expression looks like, and decidedly just let your face relax the best you can, “I didn’t get any when everyone else went, I was busy with something, and didn’t really want to head over to the mess with so many people over there, plus I was busy.” 

You look over at Price after your lengthy explanation, not realizing just how lengthy it was, and watch the corners of his lips quirk up into an amused-yet-worried smile. 

“You said you were busy twice,” he points out, before pausing, and pointing out again, “and it looks like you’ve taken a few bites out o’that at most.” 

You don’t bother to look at the mashed potatoes again; you know very well how they look, and know how undeniably full the plate looks. 

“Didn’t feel that hungry,” you make up a poorly thought-out excuse, that even you can understand is unbelievable. 

Price blinks at you, slowly, before sighing. 

“Are you alright?” Price asks, looking more concerned than amused now. You should’ve known from the moment that he walked in that you wouldn’t be able to hide anything from him. If not for the fact that he always seems to know what’s going on, then because of the overwhelming presence of your disquietude. 

You look at him and try to figure out what to say. What is there to say? You were panicking just two minutes ago, with your prescription bottle in one hand, the other too shaky to hold up the damn thing. You can still taste that vanilla. You can still taste the plastic. The bottle itself never once touched your tongue, but every time your tongue rests in your mouth, the tip of it pokes at the same exact place the bottle made contact with. You expect it to taste of vanilla, like its contents, but it doesn’t; it tastes like the pharmacy you got it at. It tastes like the sterile white of the counter, the fingers of the person who handed it to you, the money you spent on it, and the time it took you to get it. 

It’s nothing pleasant. The strange vanilla of the pills aren’t either, but they’re preferable to the bottle itself. 

Price notices you zoning out for a moment, and waves a hand in front of your face. Your eyes unconsciously track his hand for a moment before you blink back into reality and look at him. You knew you were fucked earlier, but when you look at his expression, at the look in his eyes as he watches you snap back to reality, you know that he knows. Maybe he doesn’t know exactly what happened, or how it happened, but he knows something. Fuck, he knows. 

Or, maybe he does know. Maybe he heard your cursing through the door, even with your low voice, maybe he heard the pills spill onto the desk, maybe he heard the opening and closing of the drawer, maybe he―

He’s staring at you.

―has security cameras set up in here, because he does in every room, every hall, everywhere but the bathrooms and the sleeping quarters―

He’s talking. It’s muffled by the sound of your own heavy breathing.

―or maybe it’s just intuition, a gut feeling he has, where he just knows that something’s wrong, that same gut feeling that everyone seems to get when something isn’t the way it’s supposed to be―

Your palms are sweaty. Your heart is pounding out of your chest. You’re starting to feel a little lightheaded.

―the same “gut feeling” that you experience every day but have to ignore because it’s not a gut feeling it’s anxiety and your real gut feelings feel the almost the exact same way anxiety does so you may never know if you ever get an actual one―

Price grabs onto your arm, though the feeling of his skin on yours can’t push past the skin-crawling sensation that coats your skin.

―but how do you really know that your gut feelings aren’t gut feelings? How do you know that anything is anything? That it’s really Price that’s sitting next to you, that it’s your own office you’re sitting in, that―

“[name]!” Price’s voice snaps you out of the trance you seem to be in, and you sharply inhale at the sound of his voice, his volume much louder than you expected it to be. 

You didn’t realize how fast and heavy your breathing had really gotten until this point. You look at Price, a little more on the panicked side now, with restless eyes that can’t stop flitting all over his face. He takes his hand off of your arm before you can even notice it was there in the first place, and leans back away from you. 

You try to take deep breaths, but each breath feels like trying to breathe underwater, and each inhale-exhale leaves you shuddering. You look down at your lap, breath hitching and stuttering, and the moment you open your mouth in the hopes of breathing easier, you are all too aware of just how dry it’s become. You’re sure you let out some kind of sound that alerts Price of your growing distress, because he hesitantly leans forward and takes a deep breath. 

“[name],” Price keeps his voice soft and quiet, quieter than he’d been just a few seconds ago, his soothing voice a gentle wave crashing against the rock of your mind, “you’re okay. Look at me, soldier.” 

Like a remote to TV static, the noisiness of your mind is partially calmed and the waves that wash over your brain provide sweet escape from the overwhelming adrenaline and cortisol thrumming in your veins.

Mindlessly, you do as he asks, his words grounding you and tugging you back down to Earth more effectively than any anchor could. When you look at him, his eyes are clouded with concern and there’s a small frown on his face that almost perfectly juxtaposes his usual quokka-smile.

You know you’re still trembling. You can feel the hairs that stick up on your legs and arms, the weird hot-cold feeling that creates pinpricks of discomfort across your body, the way your heart is trying to escape the prison cell of your ribcage—but none of it compares to the unbelievable dizziness you feel. Your head is a balloon filled with helium and it is slowly deflating, but not fast enough. You feel like you’re no longer in control of your own body—or were you ever in control? 

Your stomach is churning. There’s a sense of dread that dwells there. You might throw up. 

Cutting through your thoughts is Price once again.

“You listenin’?” your Captain asks, to which you nod after a delay of a few seconds. Price holds a hand out and gives you a questioning look, the question of ‘can I touch you?’ clear enough on his face that you nod lightly and he takes your hand gingerly.

“Do y’know where you are?” Price asks. You nod, and he softly requests, “can you tell me where?”

“My office,” you answer simply, the gravel in your voice making you wince. The warbling that escapes your mouth is nowhere near your usual voice, and for a moment you think you might be right about needing to vomit, but you manage to push it down and pray. Price ignores this and pushes on.

“And who am I?” he asks, as if he doesn’t know. 

“... The Captain.” Price purses his lips—he doesn’t really want to accept this as an answer, because he wants you to say his actual name, but he knows what you mean, and you know what he’s doing. He knows that you mean that you’re here, that you’re present, and you know that he’s trying to ground you the best he can.

“Do you know my name?” he questions, to which you nod again, though a little more moderately, seeing as the repetition of nodding your head only makes you more lightheaded, “what’s my name?”

You take a few shaky breaths, ones that are shallow and uneven, ones that hitch enough for it to be so noticeable that Price manages to pick up on it. You open your mouth to talk, but find that your tongue is too heavy to lift to create coherent sounds. The thought somehow heightens your anxiety, something that seems to be noticeable to Price, judging by how his expression shifts to something impossibly softer.

“Here, let me—” Without another word, Price cautiously brings your hand up to the middle of his chest, where his sternum is. 

He exaggerates his breathing, taking long, deep breaths in, and similarly long exhales. His chest rises and falls satisfyingly, and it’s clear that he wants you to copy him. You try your best at first, taking that same too-deep breath that he does and fail almost immediately as you choke on the air you attempt to inhale. Price brushes his thumb over the back of your hand and takes another exaggerated breath, breathing in through his nose and out through his mouth. You keep your gaze more focused on the lower half of his face as you copy him, oxygen going in through your nose, and carbon dioxide going out through your mouth. 

That one successful breath is followed by an unsuccessful one, then another successful one, then another, and it’s a little rocky but you find that soon enough you’re breathing. There’s air flowing in and out of your body smoothly, with each exaggerated breath you take, almost in sync with Price, until finally he puts your hand back into your lap but continues to hold it. He squeezes it once before letting go, and clasps his hands together. 

“What’s my name, soldier?” he asks, and this time you think you can answer him. 

“John Price,” his name feels weird coming out of your mouth, especially with no honorifics, but he accepts the answer anyway. 

“Good,” Price praises, giving you a small smile, “you’re doing good.”

The approval he gives you helps to calm your nerves the tiniest bit, and you feel yourself slowly coming down from the God awful high that you’d just been on. Again, you’re not sure how he knows, but he senses that you’re calming down―is it because your breathing is steadier? You aren’t nearly as restless? You’re no longer zoning out?―so he leans back in his chair and watches as you do the same. 

“Now,” he breathes out, “can you tell me what’s going on with you?” 

You look away from him for the briefest moment, sparing a glance at the cabinet you know the bottle of your pills lays in, before looking back at him. If he noticed you pulling your gaze away from him for a split second, he doesn’t mention it nor does he make it known that he did. 

“There’s not really anything going on,” you shrug, to which Price scoffs. 

“[c/n],” he looks at you, disbelieving, “two seconds ago I had to help you breathe normally. I know that there’s something that’s going on, somethin’ that had to trigger what just happened.” 

You stay quiet and he gives you an expectant look. The pressure from his fixed glare makes you feel like you’re about to explode. 

Finally, you answer him defeatedly, though vaguely, “I was in the middle of taking my medicine when you knocked.”

Price stays silent, expecting you to elaborate. 

“And…” you try to find a way to make it sound less awkward than it does in your mind, though you suppose there’s never really a correct way to go about something like this, “I almost took more medicine than I needed to.” 

The silence continues, but now Price looks less expectant, and instead more of a mix between concern and something else you can’t identify. That something, though, is still soft, and still has a hint of pity―maybe sympathy?―to it.

“Almost?” he repeats, “was that on purpose?” 

When you think about it, it’s complicated. You didn’t necessarily intend to overdose, you just dismissed the idea of it. Or, at least, you don’t remember trying to overtly kill yourself. Then again, you knew the risks of taking more pills than prescribed to you; had you taken that third pill, you would’ve only been one more away from an overdose, and even then you’d still probably get some kind of health issue. 

Price’s face hardens when you don’t answer immediately. He must be taking your silence as a “yes”. 

“Not… really,” you answer slowly, “I don’t know what I was thinking.” 

He nods, waiting a few seconds before asking, “Have you thought about it before?”

By it, for some reason, you sense that he isn’t asking exclusively about taking one too many tablets.

It’s tempting to be dishonest about it; it’s a shameful thing to you, to use the things that are supposed to help you to harm yourself, to be so careless with your own life. You know that it isn’t necessarily all your fault, but there’s still that small part of you that can’t help but feel guilty for using something so many other people try so hard to get to almost kill yourself with. 

After a few beats of silence, you decide to answer, “Yeah.” 

Price nods again, and he looks like he expected that answer. “D’you want to tell me more about that?”

You could, hypothetically, go in-depth about all of your weird thoughts about committing. The ones you’d been having just, what, fifteen minutes ago? Thirty minutes ago? The ones about chains wrapped around your throat, stolen guns from the armory, deep purple bruising and a stretched neck. Those thoughts, the ones that try to make ending your life sound pretty, that try to make it sound appealing. It’s not to convince yourself, you don’t think, but rather to help you come to terms with the fact that you were already convinced that you were going to commit at some point. The thought still scares you, because you’re a pussy―terrible, terrible choice of words, a voice at the back of your mind insists, you’re not a pussy, you’re just like anyone else―but you felt like you just knew that you were gonna die by your own hands. That you’d already made the choice, and now you have to understand it, to realize it. 

You are in that room full of TVs, with The Architect in front of you, telling you that you have no choice. That, in fact, the problem is choice. You are surrounded by a million other yous, all protesting, all denying that you have no choice but to kill yourself, all yelling “Bullshit!” because deniability is the most predictable of all human responses. 

But, you remind yourself, The Architect was wrong. He told Neo that he couldn’t do anything to save Trinity from her “fate”, but Neo did save her. He plunged his hand into her chest and forced her heart to beat. 

That’s true. 

And, you add on, The Architect is a computer program, tasked with mimicking human emotions, despite never having felt them. He could never understand the power of human will, of the desperation so many humans have to live. 

Because The Architect was never alive. He is a sentient computer program, whose job is to create a world in which humans can “live” while they are fed on in the real world, but his problem was his inability to create anything less than perfect. We aren’t expected to be perfect, and are taught that flawlessness doesn’t exist, which is why he came to the conclusion that he needed a “lesser mind” to help him create a better Matrix. 

You aren’t supposed to succumb to the idea of having no choice. Because that, in itself, is a choice. Everything you do is a choice. Even if everything you do will only add up to the same ending, to the same fate, why should you waste time not making the choices you want to make? When you assume that you have no choice, you assume that everything you do will go to waste, but that’s not true. You aren’t the only person that exists. You aren’t the only person who makes choices. The choices you make affect other people’s choices, and those choices affect another person, and another, and another. You still have to live through the choices you make, as does everyone else, so even if everything will end the same, why should you make inherently bad decisions when you could be making good ones? Why should you go through things you don’t have to go through, just because you believe that nothing matters in the end?

“Not really,” you answer Price, snapping yourself out of your thoughts, “I don’t… want to think about it too much right now.” 

Price looks a little more worried now but he doesn’t protest your decision.

“Is there anything in here that you could use to hurt yourself?” he asks after a moment, “Or that you’ve already used?” 

You bite your tongue. Technically, the pills count, you suppose, but those are your meds. You can’t really have those confiscated.

“Other than the medicine, no,” you answer truthfully, much to Price’s relief, as is evident on his face as his hardened expression softens. 

“Good, good,” he shifts in his seat. 

He’s gearing up for something. You can tell with the way he subtly presses his clasped hands together, the way his face goes through a mix of emotions, and the way the deafening silence of the room really seems to be getting to him. 

Suddenly, he asks you, “D’you think you’re going to… ?” 

He doesn’t ask you explicitly, but you have a good idea of what he’s asking.

“I was thinking about it,” you respond softly, “before you came in.”

Price nods, having expected that answer. You’re not sure if it was obvious, or if he just assumed you were thinking about it because of you confessing to having thoughts of it before this. 

“Y’know I have to tell someone about this, right?” Price reminds you gently, as if you didn’t already know, “Someone up the chain. Might be Laswell.” 

You hum affirmatively, because you didn’t expect anything less from him, and know that it’s for the better. It doesn’t make you feel any better, obviously, but you know how to be realistic when the time calls for it, and you know that if the roles were reversed you’d do the same thing. Not because it’s mandatory, but because when you imagine Price in your situation, the thought wraps itself around your heart and twists. 

The room is silent for a beat, and you get the feeling that Price is somehow more uncomfortable with the quiet than you are. He shifts in his seat while you stay still, and he clears his throat to break the silence for a brief moment before speaking up again. 

“It’s late,” he points out the obvious, before pausing and irresolutely asking, “do you want to head back to my quarters with me for the night?” 

His words confuse you for a moment. You open your mouth to ask why, before it suddenly hits you―oh, right, you just basically confessed to being suicidal. He doesn’t want to leave you alone right now. 

“Yeah, sure,” you agree, less questioning than Price expected you to be judging by his momentary look of surprise, before he nods and begins to get up. 

He pushes his chair behind him, standing up straight, and holds a hand out for you to grab. You grab it gingerly and use it to haul yourself up, your knees cracking as you do after having been sat for so long. You wince at the sound and Price gives a light-hearted chuckle.

“I thought I was s’posed to be the old one?” he teases, making you give him an unimpressed look and let go of his hand. The room falls back into soundlessness.

You both remain silent as Price leads you out the door of your office, turning off the lights and closing the door after you, and continues to lead you down to his sleeping quarters. His are farther down the hall from yours, because of his higher rank, and therefore takes longer to walk to from your office. The long walk is quiet enough to hear a pin drop, but you both don’t mind this, as the atmosphere here is more comfortable than the one in your office. 

Eventually, you make it to his room, where he opens the door for you and signals for you to walk in first with his hand. You enter the room and hear him enter shortly after you, and go to sit on his bed before pausing. 

“I’m still in my…” you gesture to your clothes, gear-less but still not your “normal” sleeping clothes. Price raises an eyebrow at you as you wave at the state of yourself. 

“I’ve seen you sleep in worse,” he points out, “and I think you sleep in this than in your actual sleeping clothes.” 

You’re about to ask how he even knows about that, before he answers you before you can voice your question, “I’ve seen you walking back t’your quarters in these clothes and hear you snoring a second later at least ten times.”

You close your mouth and sigh through your nose, before muttering, “Didn’t know I was talkin’ to fuckin’ Sherlock Holmes.” 

Price snorts at your retort, “If I’m Sherlock, are you Watson?”

You think about it for a moment, before shaking your head negatively. 

“No?” Price toes off his boots and walks over to you, sitting on the bed, “Then who are you?” 

You sit down next to him, “I dunno. I’m like…” 

“Like Neo,” you continue, ignoring the way Price’s eyebrows immediately raise, “and you’re Morpheus. But less smart.”

“You’re not Neo,” he scoffs, “and I’m not a less-smart Morpheus.” 

“I wasn’t askin’ you,” you grumble, shaking your already-loose boots off of your feet and crawling up Price’s bed. You manage to snake under the covers and feel Price’s eyes on you as you do, staring holes into your face.

He hums in acknowledgment, not bothering to answer you verbally, and instead gets up to lift up the covers and get into bed. The bed is small enough as-is, but with two people inside of it, it obviously gets much smaller. Price doesn’t seem to mind, though, and turns so that his back is facing the door and his front is facing you. Directly in front of you is the base of his neck, but if you tilt your head up, you can see him looking down at you with tired eyes. 

You let out a soft breath through your nose and realize just how tired you are. Price seems to notice this, because his arm comes up and rests across your side, his hand splaying across the middle of your back. He gives you a comforting sweep of his hand, before settling it on your upper back, absentmindedly rubbing his thumb in soothing circles against your clothed back. 

You close your eyes, and he closes his, and it feels like you’ve woken up in the real world and removed the cables from your body.

[mysecretdiaryy]

Im flaring up :(

[suffering-asthmatic-tifosi]

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO FIND A BOYFRIEND WHEN THIS MAN EXISTS

[crimsonred-hi]

Da, it’s Da

Pairing: Andrew Hozier-Byrne x Reader

Warnings: children. Children are scary.

Summary: in Ireland and the northern parts of England (where I’m from), a child would never call their father ‘daddy’, for the mere thought of ‘Daddy is for gals with issues and gay men with bigger issues’ (which is true). So, I believe Andrew would want to be called ‘Da’ like most other fathers… so yeah, Andrew arguing with his and Reader’s child about what the child should call him.

She walks into the house, after being for the weekly food shopping, and he can here Andrew and Mavis (yes, because you can’t say no to Andrew, and he wanted to name her after Mavis Staples) arguing loudly.

“No, Mavis! I won’t answer to ‘daddy’, I refuse! Just call me ‘Da’ like everyone else!”

He sounds so pained when saying ‘daddy’, he, like most Irish fathers, hate that word, and it’s only made worse from how much the word is used in on the internet.

“No! I want to call you what I want!”

She hear the sound of her baby’s voice, with an Irish accent she gained from her father, yelling back at him.

Y/n slowly walks into the front room their in,

“What are you two arguing about?”

And now they’re both yelling at you, yelling about who’s in the right, so you move to Andrew, wrapping your arms around his waist.

“What’s happening, Andy?”

“The lass is refusin to Call me Da! She wants to call me…. ya know the word…”

Mavis gasps, shocked at her mother moving towards her father, taking her dad’s side.

“Mammy! Why are you siding with him?”

She looks down at her daughter, smiling down at her, Andrew kisses the side of his wife’s head.

“I’m with ya Da on everything, we’re a team.”

She says pulling her tongue at her daughter, y/n and Andrew laugh warmly with each other, Andrew presses a little kiss to the side of her head as he holds her, looking down at their daughter.

“Why do I have to call him Da?”

“Because that’s what he wants you to call him, you’re gonna have to respect that, honey.”

She says softly, moving forward and kissing her daughter’s head, and their daughter crosses her arms storming off to her room. She looks back at Andrew,

“You tried… she’ll get it one day, Andy.”

She says, pushing him back, until there’s sitting on the couch together, cuddled up, waiting for their daughter to come back on her own.

___

“Do you think we’re good at this parenting thing?”

His question makes her look up at him,

“Yeah, I recon we’re doing ok…. Why?”

“Just… I’m worried… I mean, I’ve just had an argument with our child about what she should call me… it feels silly…”

She sighs, took his hair behind his ear, and moving her hand down to his beard, giving him scratches on his beard.

“We’re doing the best we can… she’ll appreciate it when she’s older.”

“Are ya sure…?”

“Yeah, Andy… I’m sure.”

He sighs, leaning back into the couch.

___

After a while, Mavis comes back out of her room, coming downstairs and looking up at her father,

“I’m sorry, da, I was being rude…”

Andrew looks at his wife, shocked at their child admitting that, and doing what she was asked to. He picks her up, bringing her to sit on the couch with them, he kisses her cheeks,

“It’s alright, angle… it’s alright…”

Y/n smiles at the pair, with their curly, auburn hair and their smiles. Mavis has Andrew’s crooked smile from before he fixed it, she’s adorable. They’re an adorable pair, father and daughter.

Their perfect.

[doctor-loki-lannister]

Masterlist

Hozier

Synonyms of Pleasure Series:

Pt. 1 Indulge

Pt. 2 Delight

Songs For a Lifetime:

Mates of Soul

Miscellaneous:

Tbd

[fleurstar222]

dm me about anythingggg 💕

[fiofo]

My dad was like "I've found this amazing new Irish folk singer. He's called Hozier"

Lmao, yes dad I am familiar with his work

[hauntingoldhouses]

hozier hugs 🤍