#damn I do be writing meta on this bird game

[i-am-literally-deranged]

I have long said that Hitori is the most well written character in Hatoful, and I'm right. But most well written ARC goes squarely to Sakuya. Sakuya is possibly the most dynamic character in the game. Sakuya on day one of the game, and Sakuya in the epilogue of BBL are entirely different people.

That's actually part of why I don't usually talk about him all that much. Sakuya has a complete character arc. That's not something that you can really say about the rest of the cast. They all definitely HAVE arcs, but one of the things that keeps me constantly coming back to the series is how none of them feel quite complete. Like they're all still hanging open, their arcs stopped just short of coming around to their proper conclusion. Characters in Hatoful Boyfriend are often just left bleeding. You watch them grow and get torn down by the world around them, and then they come to stop, still hanging and bleeding, neither patched up nor bled out. And it's this incompleteness that makes it stick in my brain. I keep searching for that last note needed to close out the movement, and it's just not there.

Hitori's story is a revenge tragedy, but we never reach the revenge, or the natural conclusion of the tragedy. Both he and Shuu are alive at the end of the story, with nowhere to go. They've backed themselves into a bloody corner, and the story has just left them there. There isn't a resolution. Their narratives can really only end in death, and they don't die at the end, so instead it's left open and incomplete.

Ryouta just gets slowly torn down throughout the narrative. Misfortune after misfortune pile onto him, and he slowly runs ragged. Hatoful Boyfriend is chronicling his descent. From the most normal, cheery member of the cast, to the most broken and miserable. But at the end of BBL, he's just left waiting. Waiting to die or for someone to come back with a cure. Left in a sort of eternal stasis. He's left open and bleeding, without a proper conclusion either way, hopeful or tragic. In Holiday Star he keeps being pushed to confront his abandonment issues, and he just keeps refusing to do so. He never really confronts them despite how many times he's faced with these issues, and again, we're left without a real satisfying resolution to his character arc. He goes most of the way through an arc, and then stops just short of completing it.

Shuu's story is this grand tale of hubris. He so clearly lines up his own downfall with every decision he makes. From how many enemies he makes, to how much he underestimates those enemies. Following Shuu is like slowly going up a rollercoaster headed towards the big drop. It's all build up for either his grand plan going off in this spectacular act of genius, or else his great failure, going out in a big blaze of glory, falling into all of the holes he left for himself, that he thought were too small and unimportant to worry about. And the way he ends is... Neither of those things. His terrible decisions do come back to haunt him, but the price he pays for it is ultimately so small compared to all that he's done. It's underwhelming, and leaves me feeling like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, and for him to finally get his dues, and it just never comes. It's all build up, and then a sudden jarring stop just short of the grand crescendo promised.

Yuuya's arc is a lot like Ryouta's. It's a descent. It's his unraveling. Unlike Ryouta's thought, we do see him putting some of these pieces back together, or at least trying to. The game explores a lot of the consequences of his hero complex, and he fully faces the consequences of his act of revenge, and spends the rest of his arc looking for redemption from this guilt he carries. It's hard to call Yuuya's story a redemption arc. Redemption is the thing he's seeking, but I don't think he's ever really condemned by the narrative even before seeking this redemption. It's more like what Yuuya's arc is about is seeking forgiveness from himself, and seeking to repair his relationship with Sakuya, which is what complicates his arc for me. If it was a straightforward quest for redemption "I took vengeance once, and I am paying for my sins. I seek to redeem my soul" then you could see him taking that scalpel for Sakuya as a conclusion. But the fact that it's never really treated by the narrative as though Yuuya's act of vengeance was actually wrong instead makes it feel less like Yuuya is seeking forgiveness from the universe, but instead like he is seeking forgiveness from himself. In which case, his self sacrifice is a step backwards. It's more of Yuuya devaluing himself, more of him prioritizing others to an extreme. If we take the egg incident to be Yuuya's biggest sin, then BBL is just him repeating those same mistakes again and again. It's him choosing Sakuya over everything to a destructive degree. He chops up Hiyoko's body and covers up her death, to protect Sakuya. He throws away his own life, to protect Sakuya. It's just a loop of Yuuya doing something terrible in Sakuya's name. There's no redemption found in there, only a further spiral. And further reinforcing Yuuya's guilt, and self hatred, and this steady creeping towards the place Hitori is in. And he doesn't really deviate from this path. He continues onward, repeating his mistakes, and slipping towards the same cliff that Hitori plunged off of. Again, it's left unresolved. He keeps starting to learn, starting to heal, starting to confront his flaws, and then not quite overcoming them.

I'm.... Honestly not sure what Anghel's arc is? I know it's about coming to terms with his complicated identity, and being understood by the people around him, but it's hard to say how much progress he really makes on those fronts? Anghel is sort of just... Perfect as he is? He serves very effectively as a plot device, and he's loveable and compelling without having an especially dynamic arc. Anghel is somewhat static, but I don't think that's really a bad thing on him. I'm not sure if he just doesn't have a whole lot going on arc wise, or if I'm just not seeing it right now, but oh well. I'd love to hear someone else give their takes on him, see if I can't find a new perspective to come at him from. But as it is he's just my funky little guy that I love so so much, but in a sort of no thoughts head empty kind of way.

Nageki is the hardest to talk about for me, which is why I saved him for last. He has so much going on. Nageki's route is famously emotionally moving. I cried for it, I think most people did. And I'm not sure exactly how to approach it from a meta perspective. Nageki is almost a sort of... Messianic figure. Nageki died to save humanity, despite all the ways that it had wronged him. You could say Nageki's arc is one of taking back power for himself. He was weak, and unable to do anything for himself or for anyone else either. He felt like a burden, and so when he found an opportunity to do something for someone, to protect people, he threw himself into it regardless of the cost. Even though it cost him his life. He made this selfless sacrifice. But while that was something of an arc of him finding power for himself, I hesitate to call it a full arc. Nageki had always been that selfless. Nageki pre-Hatoful House massacre would likely have been just as ready and willing to give his life for others as he was in the end.

Was it him losing hope then? Nageki being beaten down by the treatment he recieved at the St Pigeonations clinic? In the end succumbing to the misfortune that had haunted him all his life and killing himself? That doesn't feel right either. Nageki dying is, strangely enough, never actually a change for him. Nageki was dead from the beginning of the game. But more than that, Nageki was always going to die. From even long before the game began, Nageki had this clear path to an early death laid out before him. Nageki was ALWAYS going to die. There is no other way for him to go, this was always how it was going to be. And it's how it went. He accepted his fate, embraced it, and leaned into it. He took ahold of his incoming death for himself. It's very difficult for me to identify what exactly is going on with Nageki because it feels like he has SO MUCH going on. Nageki sits nestled at the heart of all of it. Both games orbit around him. I know that Ryouta is the unofficial main character. And I know that you can trace everything that happened in the series directly back to Ryuuji. I know that Shuu is the driving force behind the plot and that he laid out all of the pieces and players for this whole game, that it was all his doing. But Nageki feels, to me at least, like the true heart of the issue. He's your first introduction to the fact that something is truly genuinely Not Right in this world. So much of the plot is all of the living characters chasing after Nageki. Trying to unravel his secrets. Following his trail. Trying to find him. Nageki stands ahead of the crowd, several paces up, and every other character is tripping over themselves running after him.

Nageki is the axis upon which the story rotates. Hitori's entire character revolves around him. Orbits him. Ryouta's downfall is so tightly intertwined with Nageki. At the end of the day, one of Ryouta's most important roles in the plot is simply as a vessel for Nageki. It's carrying a piece if him inside of him. Ryouta's place in the narrative is sometimes as a sort of second coming if Nageki in a way. Shuu's fate was sealed the moment he chose Nageki as his victim, and he has been paying the price for that decision ever since, in little increments. Almost every character has their moment where they serve as a parallel to Nageki. The King's entire thing is RIDDLED with parallels, they are established as sort of foils to eachother. Two ghosts, two sad little birds who died unfortunate early deaths, two people that Hitori feels so responsible for, the two shadows that haunt him. And so much of Holiday Star is about how they handled this differently. How The King used his fire to draw others in and trap them, to make himself feel better and to have company in his misery. And how Nageki, the scorpion, burned himself to ash to free them. It's the scene in the lighthouse, how he was prepared to burn to death all over again. Sakuya is also often cast in parallel to Nageki as part of Yuuya and Hitori's parallels. With these two sets of brothers you have two stories of selflessness and giving as a bad thing. They're about self destruction, and living your life exclusively in service if someone else, and how unfair that can be to the person you are trying to help. How in the end, for all of Hitori's selfless sacrifice none of Nageki's wishes came true, and how for all of Yuuya's selfless sacrifice he wound up hurting Sakuya more than anyone else. And both of them, in this single minded quest, choosing one person above the entire world, leave this trail of bloody mistakes behind them. This parallel casts Nageki as Sakuya's mirror.

In a way, that's really Nageki's role. He's a mirror held up to each member of the cast. And in that reflection you see the worst of each of them. Nageki is sort of perfect, and the narrative stands each other character next to him to show you their flaws. What does Nageki do wrong, ever??? I can't think of a single thing. He doesn't make any real mistakes, so I don't know where to find an arc in that. There's nowhere to go, there's no change. Nageki really does thrive in his role as a ghost. He's sort of intangible, impossible to catch, impossible to hold on to. He's an impossible goal to be chased after, and ultimately, be left unreached. So much of the plot is just looking for Nageki. Looking for his secrets. Looking for his remains. Looking for anything he left behind. Looking for him. Looking for Nageki, and instead only finding your own reflection. I don't know how to discuss that, really. Which is why I usually don't. The story of Hatoful Boyfriend is this massive downward spiral, pulling everyone in, and down to their lowest point, and curled up right in the center of it all is Nageki, with every other story element orbiting around him, but never actually managing to reach him.

But after all that, looping all the way back around to my actual point. Sakuya.

Sakuya's arc actually finishes, and it finishes beautifully. In a story full of people getting worse, chasing unachievable ends, and being left eternally swirling around and around never quite reaching a proper conclusion just getting more and more damaged with each go around, Sakuya actually improves. He has this perfect, solid character arc.

Sakuya starts out as an egotistical bigot, living under false pretenses, with high ambitions of becoming a great leader. Through the story he faces every single flaw he has, confronts it, changes for the better, and grows as a person. And with each one he approaches his goal of being a great leader. Sakuya begins as a good leader, and ends as a fantastic one. He confronts his biases. He confronts his fears. He confronts his beliefs. He confronts himself, his identity. And he comes to terms with all of it, and rises from it stronger, and wiser, and more worldly. Sakuya walks out of the BBL epilogue a hero, and an incredible leader, having made good on all of his promises, and made significant good in the world. He's also quite possibly the least self destructive character we have, save for maybe Okosan, but I'm not going to even touch Okosan here. Sakuya learns from his mistakes and doesn't repeat them. And he achieves all of his goals. Sakuya is the only character not stuck in this downward spiral. And his character arc is just so perfect. It's such a nice clean arc. Sakuya starts out the first game as a genuinely kind of shitty guy. Every time I've introduced someone to the game I've said "It's totally okay not to like Sakuya. I like Sakuya, but when you first meet him it's hard to do, I get it. But just hold on, he gets better, I promise."

Sakuya has a Zuko tier redemption arc. The way that he learns to respect Ryouta more and more throughout BBL, the way that he starts to really think for himself and escape out from under his father's expectations in his route, the way that he was completely untouchable by The King's attempts at manipulation. Sakuya just fuckin THRIVES.

And this is sort of why I haven't really talked about him before today. That unfinished feeling to everyone else's story arcs eats at me. It sticks in my head. I can't stop talking about them because they're COMPELLING and they feel UNFINISHED and now I'm sort of obsessed with it. I'm caught in the loop with them, hunting for an ending that isn't there. The imperfections in these arcs are what keeps me speculating about still, 8 years down the line. I'm still trying to find that ending. But for Sakuya, and Nageki too actually, the only thing there is for me to talk about is why they work so well. And in Nageki's case, I'm not especially sure why, and so I don't have a lot to say on him. He's sort of a mystery to me. But for Sakuya, it is just so apparent to me why he's such an incredibly well written character. It feels sort of redundant to go through it. His arc is clean, and perfect. Just look at it! There's no holes for me to obsess over and write endless essays on. And there's no mystery to how effective it is. It's clean, and simple, and utterly perfect. I don't need to puzzle over how it works so well, because you can just take one look at it and it's all laid bare. He has the ideal redemption arc. The platonic ideal of exactly what his type of character should be. It's perfect. I don't feel like I can contribute much of anything to it by discussing it, further than just shining a light at what about it works so incredibly well.

So I don't.

Simply put, Sakuya has the most well written arc in Hatoful Boyfriend, and I would consider him the second most well written character in all.

[infinitelytheheartexpands]

pag-but-not-cav: the report

-overall, this was a pretty damn great show, though i still firmly believe that cav is better than pag.

-the show was set in dust bowl-era oklahoma

-there was almost no set, which ended up being pretty funny during the play in act ii

-the orchestra was onstage

-people frequently made entrances through the audience, which was pretty cool

-the chorus was 10 people strong and GREAT

-there was this one guy who had a one-line solo and the rest of the time he was playing the town drunk and it was comedic GOLD

-tonio wasn’t a hunchback

-the guy playing tonio was all over the place vocally. don’t know how i feel about him tbh

-the other soloists were all really good though

-nedda and silvio were my faves

-their duet was great

-but a baby started crying during it lmao

-who brings their baby to see pagliacci

-anyway

-it took everything i had to not scream during the ending of that duet or during the confrontation that came after

-dude playing canio was a pretty awesome actor

-they all were good actors

-re: Kitchen Knife: the knife that canio pulled on nedda in act i (idk if he used the same one in act ii) was litchrally a little paring knife. so not as big or obvious as the Kitchen Knife of Doom but yeah

-act i was alright enough, but things got into high gear in act ii

-a good way to spend the interval is to drink two pineapple juice/grenadine mixers

-anyway

-on to act ii

-play within a play, you know i love the meta

-it was SO FUCKING FUNNY

-the costumes were just ridiculous

-(speaking of costumes: I desperately want nedda’s outfit from act i)

-also silvio had the most RIDICULOUS little mustache

-anyway back to what i was saying

-there was an inflatable rubber chicken

-i am very sad that more people did not laugh at the inflatable rubber chicken

-the chorus’ reaction game was ON POINT

-nedda was just usin that chest voice left and right the whole show i fuckin LOVED it

-that girl can sing and act, lads,

-i once again was very very very close to screaming during the whole ending sequence

-canio said “la commedia è finita!”

-which didn’t tonio originally have that line

-and i feel like it would be more appropriate for him

-because he’s the little bastard who ultimately set everything in motion

-anyway

-audience LOVED it

-ALSO: turns out the gal who played musetta in the bohème i did in 2019 (of shattered wineglass and finger wound fame) was in the chorus and covering nedda!!! didn’t know this until i looked at the program after i got there, but She Was There and we talked and took a selfie afterwards!

(don’t worry, the mask went back on right after this)

-anyway it was a great time!!!

-and then i got gas on the way home and there were three police officers also fueling up so i flipped the bird in their direction as i was driving out of the parking lot because yeah

-and also i got some puppy chow/muddy buddies at the gas station and i’m currently enjoying them as i write this.

anyway, 10/10 fantastic night would absolutely do again

[legends-live-in-memories]

Talk So Pretty, But Your Heart Got Teeth

AYO another day another oneshot as a part of the MGI Trope Tussle! BUT WAIT THERES MORE thanks to @nightlychaotic for letting me continue her oneshot that can be found HERE! 

Fics Masterlist

Dickinette Oneshot 2.8K words 

Summary:

“Nightwing was desperate to figure out Kit Noire. For reasons beyond professional.” 

without further ado:

Some days, you're the only thing I know

Only thing that's burning when the nights grow cold

Can't look away, can't look away

Beg you to stay, beg you to stay, yeah

It had been two weeks since Nightwing had last seen Kit Noire. While the lack of thefts and reported break-ins was doing wonders for his day job, he found his nightlife severely lacking its usual luster. He had done some research into her powers, cross-referencing with some of his more magically inclined coworkers. Aquaman had an interesting story about some god of destruction but it was Atlantean lore that led nowhere. He was drawing blanks on what his next move was going to be. Conflicted on whether to bring her to justice or to help her get justice. 

His team was of no help either. Batman was adamant on chasing her out of Gotham, her destructive powers too dangerous in the city, while his siblings were more engrossed in teasing him about his affections for the cat thief. Jabs about ‘learned behaviour’ and ‘truly being the next Batman’ went ignored for his own piece of mind. He loathed to admit it but his intrigue in her, his adamance to be involved with her case, stemmed from less professional intentions. He was compromised in this investigation but he was unwilling to relent to anyone else.

Kit Noire was his to solve. 

Sometimes, you're a stranger in my bed

Don't know if you love me or you want me dead

Push me away, push me away

Then beg me to stay, beg me to stay, yeah

He finally found her one night by the Gotham Harbour. She was in the middle of an altercation with the same guy who had stolen some grimoire from her. ‘Guardian’ he had called her. 

Rather than intervene immediately, Nightwing hung back in the shadows, observing the two of them. The man was obviously much older than her and was particularly equipped to combat her style of fighting. He used what appeared to be a wooden staff and was dressed in Buddhist-inspired robes. Another piece to add into his investigation. 

Their fight was approaching a stalemate, neither willing to yield to the other. Nightwing decided to make his presence known. A couple smoke bombs were tossed into the fray, halting the fight. Taking the opening, he jumped in between and threw two bolas at the old man. He was wrapped securely in the wires and collapsed gracelessly on the planks. Not giving him anymore attention, he moved to intercept Kit Noire; choosing the evil he knew over the one he didn’t.

“Sorry, songbird.” She spoke with more bite than usual, her frustration with the older man still clinging to her. “But I already have plans tonight. None that involves you sadly.”

“What?” His casual drawl, partnered with his carefully crafted smirk did nothing to placate the hissing cat in his arms. “I can’t let the kitty have all the fun.”

“Please,” she scoffs; she slackens in his hold only fractionally. “As if I need a little birdy like you to give me permission to do anything.”

She slipped under his grasp and shot a leg up directly into his chin. He was taken completely by surprise and before he could react, one of his own smoke bombs was thrown at his feet. He was disoriented and by the time he switched his mask to infrared, she was already gone with the older man. His discarded bolas were the only thing that remained between the clearing haze of smoke.

Call me in the morning to apologize

Every little lie gives me butterflies

Something in the way you're looking through my eyes

Don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive

He was pulling into the precinct parking lot for his morning shift with a poorly concealed bruise on his jaw and excuses already on his tongue for how it got there. His ego wasn’t fairing much better but that was concerns for his punching bag back at his home gym. Now, he was Dick Grayson, rookie cop at the GCPD. Now, his nighttime problems can’t reach him.

Or so he thought.  

He didn’t make it ten feet into the building before detective Montoya was slamming a file into his chest. He quickly glanced into the file, partially listening to her debriefing of the case, then immediately wished he hadn’t. In the file there were pictures taken from the most recent crime scene and sitting on top of the pile was a picture of a wall from the local aviary. The words ‘Sorry about last night, Songbird -KN’ were spray painted in steel blue. 

He felt his irritation flare as heat crept up his neck while a weight settled in the base of his spine. His warring feelings drowned out everything around him as he fixated on her very obvious declaration. Kitty Noire had been gaining infamy for never being caught by both the cops and the bats. Some in the precinct hadn’t believed she was actually real, just some urban legend the streets were stirring up to cause trouble. To let herself be caught like this, and to admit to contact with one of the bats— it didn’t take a genius to guess which side of the law she was calling out with ‘songbird’— was damning to say the least. 

Fight so dirty, but your love's so sweet

Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth

Late night devil, put your hands on me

And never, never, never ever let go

Fight so dirty, but your love's so sweet

Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth

Late night devil, put your hands on me

And never, never, never ever let go

It was another week before he was crashing into her midleap, throwing both of them down onto the nearest roof. They rolled a couple of times before he stopped them by pinning her down. Both of her arms were held above her head; his grips were tight around her wrists, avoiding her palms in fear of what her destructive powers could do. They were on top of the platform that had the doorway to the building’s stairs. Her distracting smirk curled up further as she was about to speak. Probably a suggestive comment but he wasn’t in the mood for their usual back and forth.

“Enough games, Noire.” He shifted his knees to brace on her shins, in case she had any ideas. “You need to tell me what’s going on. You’re bringing suspicious people into the city, dangerous people, and it’s my job to drive them out.”

“I’m not bringing anyone into the city,” she all but spat at him, the fury in her eyes burned bright at the accusation. “He tracked me here.”

“And he is…?” He was getting tired of being out of the loop, meta-abilities and magic are safety hazards if left unchecked in Gotham. He needs to put a lid on this before it spirals any further.

“He is my business and soon to be not a problem for the both of us.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“You have no other choice, songbird. Above your paygrade, remember?” She mumbles something he doesn’t hear but from the shape of her lips it looked like Cataclysm. He didn’t have time to react before the roof was caving in under them. 

The freefall was disorienting but he could see from his periphery that Kit Noire was prepared. She had extended her staff out to fit between two walls and was hanging on, dangling over what was probably twenty flights of steps. Nightwing wasn’t so lucky and he had to angle his fall to crash into steps a couple flights below her.  

“It was nice crashing into you, songbird, but I have things to steal and people to rob.” Retracting her staff, she let herself freefall to the bottom floor of the building. Nightwing dove after her, shooting out his grappling line to one of the higher railings. She had reextended her staff, this time aiming for the height of the building, and was sliding down it like a pole. Banishing the improper thoughts of ‘Noire’ and ‘pole,’ he questioned how the staff was even able to extend that far. 

Right, magic.

Once they were more comfortable feet above the bottom floor, she paused in her descent and let him over take her. He wasn’t given a chance to question her actions as she immediately swiped at his grappling line, snapping it with her rather sharp claws. This time he was prepared enough to brace himself for the fall. He landed on his feet and crouched to roll out of the harsh impact.

“I thought it was cats that landed on their feet, not birds,” her jeer echoed against the walls. He looked back up to see her rapidly climbing her staff. She was gaining distance fast and he was running out of options just as quickly. He didn’t trust climbing her staff so he took to climbing the steps from the railings, jumping and swinging himself around to gain altitude.

“Maybe you’re rubbing off on me.” She had made it to the door that led back to the roof and her staff retracted in an instant. He was still a couple flights away but he knew he wasn’t going to catch her. He resigned himself to knowing that tonight was another failed night. He had let her go again.

Some days, you're the best thing in my life

Sometimes when I look at you, I see my wife

Then you turn into somebody I don't know

And you push me away, push me away, yeah

Something Kit Noire had said was bothering him. She said she was a hero once. That she had given it up because of accusations that ruined her reputation. He had half a mind to not believe her. Write it off as one of her tricks to try and get under his skin. But the other half, the louder, more desperate half, implored him to keep searching. To uncover the cat themed enigma he had grown frustratingly fond of. 

He expanded his search, looking for anything or anyone cat themed with destructive powers. A deep web search had him discovering an old video. It was labeled ‘Reflectdoll’ and nothing else. It was a part of some long forgotten blog that had an entire catalogue of videos labeled in similarly vague ways. Desperate for answers, he rationalised that if anything else, he would cross this source and narrow the search further.

The video was quite the fanfare, looking something out of a movie with impressive CGI. He was about to label this video as another bust but something paused him in his tracks. Her. Kit Noire, or at least a younger version of her, lept into the action. Her and some ladybug patterned partner dealt with the fiasco and Nightwing watched, enthralled and hopeful, as the two worked to take down the foe. He was both impressed and even more confused because he recognised that infamous tower but had no memories of there ever being attacks of that caliber in the city of love. He had done several missions there over the years, and there was never any call for help or an attack to get his or the League’s attention.   

Just what was going on? 

Call me in the morning to apologize

Every little lie gives me butterflies

Something in the way you're looking through my eyes

Don't know if I'm gonna make it out alive

Fight so dirty, but your love's so sweet

Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth

Late night devil, put your hands on me

And never, never, never ever let go

He had her pinned again, one of his hands holding both of hers above her head, the other was fisting her braid in a tight pin. They were staring at each other, neither wanting to tip the scales in their own favor. The air was charged and each breath felt like one step closer to a dangerous precipice. Nightwing was struggling with what to do. He had a responsibility to this city. This was his home. And he was letting some magical ex-hero trample all over it because he let his infatuation get to his head. He was too involved but he didn’t care. She was his case to solve. 

“Something you would like to share, songbird?” Her smirk was enticing and infuriating. He couldn’t look away. 

“I have a lot on my mind.”

“What? Is keeping me here not entertaining enough for you?”

“I’m not keeping you here for entertainment.”

“That could be rearranged.” She had surged up to kiss him, her lips soft and inviting. He would be a fool to pass up the opportunity.

Blood on my shirt, rose in my hand

You're looking at me like you don't know who I am

Blood on my shirt, heart in my hand

Still beating

She was hurt. The old man found her again and left her with a painful reminder of who she was up against. Nightwing wished he could track him down and beat him to bloody pulp but right now he was more concerned with patching her up. She was lucky he found her when he did. The gash on her side would be easy to stitch but he first needed to get her to somewhere safe. His options were limited. No clinic would take them in, she was still a notorious criminal after all. Batman would have his head if he brought her to any of their safe houses. The cave was completely out of the question. 

But she was still losing blood. 

“Why the long face, songbird?” Her voice which was usually jovial was tinted with strain. 

“Oh, you know, just getting blood on my suit while a cat bleeds out in my lap.” He tried to lighten the mood and her chuckles were relieving. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. Just need to find somewhere to put you.”

“Oh, is the birdy worried about his kitty cat?” She was teasing him, he knew, so he decided playing along would do more for his own peace of mind than trying to refute.

“And if he is?” He mirrored her own joking tone but he couldn’t help the taxes of sincerity that slipped in. She caught on if the slight widening of her eyes were an indicator.

“Oh.” The stunned look she had on her face would be adorable if it weren’t for their situation. “I have a place, not far from here you can drop me off there.”

“Lead the way,” he said, picking her up bridal style. If he pulled her closer as she wrapped her arms around his neck then no one had to know.  

Fight so dirty, but your love's so sweet

Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth

Late night devil, put your hands on me

And never, never, never ever let go

Fight so dirty, but your love's so sweet

Talk so pretty, but your heart got teeth

Late night devil, put your hands on me

And never, never, never ever let go

Nightwing never noticed this before but Kit Noire was small. Her waist fit in the palms of his hands so well and her legs were slender and lean as they tied themselves around his hips. He looked like he could overwhelm her but he knew better. He knew how strong and dangerous she was but the mental image of just holding her down as she submits beneath him spurred him on further. Her lips were cherry sweet and intoxicating. And her weight on his thighs left him reeling, silently begging for more.

“Someone’s eager,” she had pulled away from his mouth to speak but rather than entertain any conversation he just moved to suck bruises into her jaw. The hand she had in his hair tightened and pulled at the short strands. Her breathing became laboured as she pants into the night sky. He wanted to coax out more reactions from her, wanted to see if she can really mewl like a cat. 

A wayward hand had her grinding down harder in his lap. They were in their own bubble on this abandoned rooftop; it sat between two skyscrapers, both casting the roof in an almost impenetrable shadow, one would really have to be looking to see them. The sound of traffic below was nothing more than white noise, a background soundtrack for their current encounter. Using her grip in his hair, Noire dragged him up from her jaw and crashed their lips together again. Her kittenish licks asked for entrance and he eagerly granted it, savouring the taste of her as she mapped out his mouth with her tongue. 

He gripped her tighter, not wanting to let go, blind in the pleasure of her lips and tongue and teeth.

Teeth

Teeth

Teeth

Never, never, never ever let go

[gigis-ff-blog]

Hey might as well.

A Little Slice Dreams: The Meta Knights Play a Fun Game of Uno

What could go wrong? Those poor knights asked themselves this question as if nothing could.

But Everything. Everything could, will, would, and did absoluteley go wrong.

They sat around a giant round table in the lounge of the Halberd, soaring at least 200 feet above sea level. The night was cold, crisp, and dark. Sword, Blade, Captain Vul, and Sailor Dee sat on one end of the table. Across from them were the four main Meta knights: Axe, Javelin, Mace, and Trident.

Sailor and Mace were determined in their craft. It was down to one of them in their anxious, sweat driving game. The winner would receive a delectable frozen trophy. The looser would have to watch in tears as the winner took the glory.

It was down to two cards for each player. But it was Sailor's turn. The fee slammed down a turn skip card And gave a sickening grin at Javelin.

"No...NO!" Mace shivered in his seat.

Sailor started cackling as they held up their last remaining card.

"I hope you have good cards looser!" Shouted Sword, while Blade babbled in an incomprehensible accent, basicly stating the same thing.

"This is too much! I think im gonna drop dead!" Axe flailed around the table.

"I think you and Mace gonna have simultaneous strokes after this." Javelin said in their robotic tone.

Yeah your screwed, signed Trident.

"I'll be right back I'm gonna go get the reward for Sailor." Vul stated in an almost certain tone.

Sailor ceased their cackling and drew a deadly glare at Mace. As if their eyes shot daggers through Mace's soul.

"Uno..."

Sailor slammed a draw four on the table, prompting Mace to dramaticly scream "no" and cry, slamming his fists on the table.

"I-I was so c-c-close...WAAHHHH!"

"You challenged Sailor in uno. You knew what grave you were digging yourself into," Axe said, "and speaking of digging into things!"

Vul brought out Sailor's reward. An ice cream parfait stacked a mile high, dripping with fudge and marshmallow coating. The frozen Vanilla custard sat delicately above the hot brownies under it, and under that, the crunchy crumbs of canoli crust. Chocolate decoration perched itself on top of the display like a fine peice of jewelry. The reward was perfect in every way. Fitting for a satisfyingly sweet victory in an uno game.

Mace continued to cry as Vul handed Sailor the ice cream. As the glass was handed to them, Sailor's eyes lit up.

"Thank ye Captain!" They elongated every vowel in appreciation for their edible trophy.

"I'd say you earned it, 'Sir Uno champion Sailor Waddle Dee.'" Vul spoke to Sailor but looked at Mace as he continued to weap at his loss.

Blade and Sword cheared on Sailor as they scarfed down the whole desert like Kirby inhales a whole feast, while Tident, and Axe sighed in second hand defeat and consulted Mace as he sobbed. Javelin cheared on Sailor as well.

"WOOO! GO SAILOR!"

"H-H-Hey! Y-Your supposed to be rooting for m-m-me. Sniff."

"You didn't win."

As Sailor finished the dish. They realized they left the chocolate decorations for last. They thought that this would be such a great time to rub it in Mace's face that he lost with the chocolate.

"Hey Mace."

"H-huh?"

"Look."

Mace thought he knew what was going on. "YOU WERE THE NICE ONE DON'T TOURTURE ME LIKE THIS!"

"Here." Sailor gave the knight a chocolate decoration. "For you, because ye played good."

Mace's eyes lit up. "R-really?" He stifled a sniff. "For me?"

"Yeah. For you."

"Oh your too kind. I..."

As Mace took the chocolate, a hint of fear went into his eyes. The symbol on it sent a chill down his spine.

"Vul..."

"Yes Mace?"

"Which freezer did you get this ice cream out of."

"Why the one in the lounge of course"

"The mini blue freezer or the big silver freezer?"

"The mini blue one with all of bosses ice creEAAM OH SWEET NECRODEUS WHAT HAVE I DONE?"

Blade turned sharp to Vul and panicked, falling backwards into an incomprehensible blabber.

Sword shook. "THATS BOSS'S ICE CREAM FRIDGE!"

"You stole Meta Knight's ice cream?" Cried Javelin.

Trident signed an oh no in shaking paws.

"We're all gonna be dead by dawn in our stone graves! And the writings gonna say we died cold and chocolatey!" Axe shouted.

"He's gonna kill me the most I ate the damn thing!" Sailor squealed and almost started to cry. They sweated up a storm in their anxiety.

Vul attempted to be reassuring. "He will not kill us for one mess up." The captain wasn't to sure of this. "I'm sure everything is going to be-"

A door slammed open to reveal an enraged pair of golden-red eyes and a maskless, meta knight wearing them, and pink bunny slippers and a fluffy robe.

"Who..."

"Oh no."

"WHO!"

The shout sent echoes through the room. Cracks formed on the floors, walls and cealing. Some of them went tumbling into the hallway, others flew out of their seats. The glass that contained the ice cream hit the floor and shattered into a million pieces like a golden glass mirror.

Sword, like everyone else, was horrified of consequence. He jumped up on the table, cupped his hands over his mouth and yelled "SCATTER!" As though it were some kind of party with alcohol and the police just got there.

Everyone ran in different directions. Sword and Blade searched for hiding places, Mace and Javelin jumped to the ceiling. Trident and Axe tried to break a window so that they could fall into the orange watters below. Vul and Sailor darted into the hallways, not looking back to the flapping sounds that echoed through the battleship.

Sailor took a sharp left and shakingly pulled out a phone from their hat. They searched through their contacts to find people that could save them from whatever punishment they would face.

Kirby was unavailable, probably sleeping. Bandee was also probably sleeping. Or training at three am like an insane person for that smash bros invitation. Dedede was the only person that picked up. In the background you could hear some trash comedy in the most of a clear crunching of popcorn.

"Yo."

Sailor spoke in a hushed yet anxious tone. "Sir, ye gotta get over here and help I think we're gonna die!"

"Did you steal his ice cream?" A crunch was heard clearly.

"It was an accident we were just-"

Vul's scream came blasting through the halls.

Sailor had a mild panic attack. "OH SHIT! CAPTAIN!"

The phone dropped to the floor and rattled. Dedede, on his end, looked at the phone with utter confusion and hung up.

Vul was backed into a corner by the furious borb, spoon in one paw.

"Do you know how long it took me to make that? THREE DAYS!"

Vul took hold of a nearby pipe and found to it for dear life. Eyes wide fearing death.

"I was saving that for today specificly! I was going to watch Mama Mia!

"Oh God sir I'm sorry!"

"Sorry doesn't give me back my ice cream Vul!"

"WAIT!"

Sailor came running out of the halls and in front of Vul to protect him.

"It was an accident sir. We were just playin a game and he grabbed the wrong ice cream. Don't hurt em!"

"Why... would I hurt anyone...I'm just angry."

"You look like you're gonna f%#king kill someone!"

Vul stepped out of his "gripping onto the pole for dear life" position just to scold Sailor for swearing. "Hey! What did we talk about?"

"Oops. Sorry." They turned back to Meta Knight.

"I... apologise if I seem a little harsh. It's wrong to terrify someone in the middle of the night over something so minuscule." Meta knight held his paw out for Vul to shake."Is all forgiven?"

Vul was more than relieved. "Absoluteley sir!"

Meta knight looked at the bird andd produced a laugh, but in the middle of it they stated most seriously that "You owe me another bowl." This didn't ease the captain's fear.

"We still have the ice cream we didn't eat in oyur fridge," Sailor stated, "you can have that."

Meta Knight turned. "What flavor is it?"

"Vanilla with chocolate and marshmallow swirl."

"I'll take it...but..."

Sailor was confused. "But what?"

"Due to my outburst I would find it fair that I would have to earn the desert, rather than just taking it. Besides, I'm DVRing the movie so I can watch it later."

"Wait wait wait. Earn it how?" The captain let go of Meta's hand and looked down at the small, Kirby esque orb.

"I'm thinking...Uno?"

Sailor's eyes sparkled. "Now that's a chalanged! You're on!"

[abbeyfangirl]

dragon age: all characters (companions)

I’ve been in this fandom for a hot minute now and I want to update my opinions on characters :)

Origins

Alistair: super sweet dude who literally is not the stereotypicalchantryguyfightme. He’s a great example of healthy masculinity and I totally wish he was bi because I have an entire essay on that— also: he’s a poc! His mum was brown. In game he’s got dark features. if you really want a blond/blue-eyes/white guy, make your warden that. or accept that brown people can be noble and moral. or just draw cailan, idk. just because BioWare whitewashes doesn’t mean you should.

Leliana: someone hug my singing girlfriend before I crush her under with my own hugs. Also: nugs. Yes! Shoes. Yes! She likes how I style my hair? YES!! I honestly think she’s super duper and it pisses me off whenever someone’s like: yeah she enjoys killing people and the Game. ok. and michel de chevin willingly participated in genocidal marches through the alienage he grew up in with his elvhen mum. 

Morrigan: dirty swamp witch that i stan and also have a v big crush on. tiddies. Have a son with a GW so we can raise him with our tiddies out in the forest. she’s also white-passing, as her father was chasind and all people we’ve seen that are chasind are black. therefore, she is biracial. therefore, poc can be goths and don’t shy away from giving morrigan a darker skintone. if the devs had of been thinking, she’d have a darker skintone.

Zevran: Actually is the best romance, I think. Loves consent, therefore I will stan him so hard my skull cracks a little. Also: he is a very brown boy and if he’s white in da4 I’m seriously going to throw all canon out the fucking window. genuinely a good person who needs to be told so. 

Wynne: grandma who only likes my friends who go to church. but also super sweet and I’d rest my head on her bosom (in a platonic way omg ZEVRAN)

Sten: angry quiet boi. the bestest boi. I totally would give him a kitten for a gift and bake him cookies. Thicc softie. I think if I had DA:O and i knew how to use mods i would mod the fuck outta him. sorry.

Sha(y)le: who’s gender? idk her. See also: fuck birds and authority. pound ur ass into the ground you feathery meatbag little shits. fuck songbirds.

Dog: such a good boi. thicc. thinks Alistair is a whiny fuck and is Morrigan’s only friend. love him. he’s the cutest companion. bet.

Ohgren: honestly forgot about him bcc he’s such a shitbag. also: he could’ve been a really cool addiction recovery type but NOPE. probably would have a trump shirt in a modern au and would catcall wlw and hit mlm. no thanks.

Awakening

Anders: he acts like rlly straight but he’s so gay I can smell it. also he’s rlly cute and fun and I love him so much.

Justice: MAYBE i’M selF CONSCious OF THE twitchING. is the friend that genuinely doesn’t get dick jokes but is ur 110% ride or die.

Nathaniel Howe: honestly is sort of a white knight/neck beard a little, but it’s kind of charming with his whole velanna m’lady?? grump boi. annoying soul patch that I’d mod out SO FAST—

Sigrun: would have ROMANCED the FUCK out of her. why she even entertains the idea of fucking with ohgren makes me realize most of the writers are dumbfucks.png. peppy little emo. 12/10 would die if she kissed my cheek teasingly.

Ohgren: why. why. why. I’d have brought Shayle over. Maybe Zev? Definitely Dog.

Velanna: she was written to be an annoying feminist and you can tell but I deadass am a kindred spirit with her bcc I too am deadpan annoyed with Thedas’ general population too. love her. Would’ve loved to romance her. She’d totally be one of those who’d get all tsundere and be like “n-no i hate you” *kisses the fuckin soul out of you then blushes so hard she’s now a tomato*

Dragon Age II

Anders: fuck the cops. i don’t care. fuck the cops. (vine reference). also: do i hate him for blowing up the chantry that would eventually annul a huge collection of his people? no. read dalishious’s meta on Anders. v intriguing. didn’t they retcon the fuck out of the reported deaths too? like there was like eight Templars and Elthinia in there. Templars killed more “abominations” in a day than Anders in the game canon—

Aveline: initially thought she was fine and then realized she’s shit to my lil brother and I will fucking clap her ginger ass. See also: whorephobia isn’t a joke so fuck off with treating Isabela badly, you tit.

Bethany: sunshine. Literal sunshine. I feel my freckles grow in her presence and i love it. she’s my little baby sister and I’d slam that ogre so fuckin hard before it touched either twin.

Carver: there has to be a mod where both twins survive. I love them both to bits. My babies. carver is my bitter, angry little brother and I can relate because I too am very angry and would totally clap my own ass. hes so genuine and I don’t get the competition between Beth and Carver. Like, both are fuckin stellar in different ways. In this essay I will—

Fenris: honestly, I don’t get the general hate between him and Anders. Fenris’ main arc should’ve been a recovery arc, not drunken moping and revenge. he deserves better. give him a soft sweater instead of his spikes and let him love himself as much as I love him for MAKERS SAKE. like when you really think about their relationship, it could’ve been an eye-opener for fenris and finally some legit sympathy for anders. but we all know that if they had of teamed up that Meredith would’ve been dead before the end of Act 1 so.

Isabela: whorephobia is not a joke. oversexualizing your only appearing brown woman is so poorly written. how about we appreciate her and her lovely bosoms but also let people tease her about her heart of gold? her innate understanding of freedom? instead of just a wave of dick? please?? can we give her some pants for when she fights? can we accept that i fall for rogues who hate themselves?? fuck. also whomever draws her x femHawke x Merrill literally is after my own heart.

Merrill: my fucking babygirl MARRY ME. Fenris could’ve been her older brother type, but NO. she and Isabela should’ve been canonical gfs instead of Isabela/Fenris (no shaming the pairing tho!!). I love how she’s written as neurodivergent. V nice. Sometimes I just look her up and cry because she’s fucking everything. Also: she’s in the Dalish origin and she’s far from being white. Why did they make the most innocent/naïve character really white? hmmmm.

Sebastian: whew that boy. Would totally be that annoying Mormon at your door but you still let him in bcc he’s super sweet. Also: huge ass bible thumper and should get his head slap because you said the maker loved all his children why do you defend a complicit old hag you annoying attractive fuck—

Varric: totally is a bard and the devs couldn’t handle the idea of him being one bcc it might make him look less straight. is the only grey morality person I don’t want to fucking bash in with a fry pan. he sees people and I like that, but you totally know he’s siding with mages every time bcc him and Anders are like besties. I’m sorry. I don’t make the rules. “Professional Younger Brother”.

Tallis: I know nothing about her but she seems okay. I think she was an escaped slave and honestly? Fucking props. Spy on a shitting organization, idk what you’re doing, but your VA was that cool lesbian from SPN so I think ur okay?

Inquisition

Blackwall: Redemption Arc 101. Love him to bits. Sad dad bunwall. good man. actually atoned for his sins by actively becoming a good person. his initial design is 80% hotter im so sorry but so not.

Cassandra: was way browner in the last game. would romance the fuck outta her. I love me a butch lady who melts at my dorky recitation of poetry. BioWare is a coward. also is the worst choice for divine. but not a bad person. could use some more guidance or get her ass whipped by a dalish elf about religion or a circle mage kid whos like “yeah bud i didn’t ask for the templars to whip my ass everyday for existing.”

The Iron Bull: I think the Qunari/Vashoth were a little based off black people (the whole anti blackness thing where ppl are scared of them bcc of whatever reason) and it pisses me off that he had a weird ass dubcon thing with Dorian in banter. It doesn’t make sense— he’s an A+++ dom and would not jump straight in role play without at least checking in at first like wtf BioWare.

Cole: his mother was chasind so he’s like not supposed to be that white? or like biracial? albino? idk. love him to bits tho. He’s neurodivergent and I deadass love him. romancing him? idk. I see why ppl think it’s fuckin nasty but also like as a writer I’d age him the fuck up so fast before my inquisitor even THOUGHT about that. like idk. I’m down with him being a sweet little bro character tho. he’s a babe. love him.

Sera: had the worst fucking writer I’ve ever seen and I willingly read the twilight saga twice by a shit ass racist white lady who okay’d pedophilia. like. Fuck you Kristjanson suck your own dick you fuck. had the worst options in regards to speak to her. has a thicc case of internalized racism that literally most of the fandom just loves to use against her. my lesbian neurodivergent queen. Would write a thousand fix it fics for her. Love her to bits. im gay.

Varric: I haven’t played DA2 so i don’t get why everyone wants to romance him but like. a dwarf romance? yes please. Idk he reminds me of my uncle so I only see him as fun uncle material. Deadass should adopt Cole and Merrill and co parent with Blackwall for Sera. dads? fuck yeah. love me some wholesome, present fathers.

Dorian: is a gay stereotype that I love/hate so much. and he’s also just as bad about being a creep bcc he sexualizes qunari men (in banter). I attribute that to shit writing tho. I want to protect him from all the “omg gay best friend!” people. he’d clearly be that tired gay that wouldn’t give a diddly damn about ur het romance. wanna talk about politics? he’s ur guy/gay.

Solas: “me, an intellectual:”. I don’t hate him, but I’m not about him. He comes off as mysterious and suave (which he totally is) but I deadass would not save him from himself because he’s a racist, exclusionist eggshell. idk. not my cup of tea, but I can totally see the appeal. And he’s interesting, I’ll totally say that. “I think the Dalish are garbage but they made you” is not a compliment. it’s so offensive. and such bait for “quirky girls” which I’m no fan of. Would be Achilles and let Patroclus (Lavellan in his case) die before he realized how his pride is literally a waste of time. If he gets a redemption arc I hope Lavellan gets to slap him before getting him to teach all about ancient Arlathan and show that the Evanuris weren’t all total dicknozzles. (Aka I really have a hard time believing that they’d be slavery cult things. especially since they’ve compared elves to indigenous ppl, Jews and the Romani.)

Vivienne: it’s so racist that they’d make a black woman be pro-slavery. That’s such internalized racism. She could’ve been the cool ass “educate yourself first before you speak, fool” ice lady, but NO. the devs could’ve kept the “Templars are a tool that I proudly can mandate” and the “circles are very good education” and we. Could. Have. Romanced. Her. Like. Fuck. Sake. I just wanna give her a hug and say “love yourself omg!!” and not even in a romantic way. Also: she and morrigan should not have been so antagonistic towards each other. I’d expect them to have great respect for each other, as they both moved up in the world through hardwork and very little help. They could learn different magic from each other too and still maintain that rival respect “oh you” mood. Sidenote: probably the cooler option for Divine. if her approval is high enough she’ll love and be loyal to you forever and i can’t see her agenda being bad. she improves the circles exponentially and tells all the antis to suck her pretty painted toes.

Josephine: an actual disney princess. romanced her my first playthrough. I love her so much. she just makes me so happy. And she’s like: “Integrity, Loyalty, peace. That is what it means to be a GREY WARDEN good fucking person.” she’s the person who would let you hold her hand if you got anxious and she’d be that person who shouldered the whole group project with finesse and poise and would probably lie for everyone as to not be mean. i love josie. her and leliana’s relationship is so cute, too. whether it’s romantic or not: women supporting women.

Leliana: if you leave her hardened you must hate her. why. she becomes so against herself. i like how shes feminine and lighthearted because that’s so powerful-- to remain hopeful when the world is hopeless. (its hard to know when to soften her/harden her so i get it but. google it. she deserves to be happy and sweet again.)

Cullen: uwu war criminal with shit ass “redemption arc” that was actually a half-assed (at BEST) recovery arc. Recovery isn’t linear, it isn’t pretty, and even the broken need to be told they are wrong in order to heal right. Like I’m offended by that bullshit. I’ve had to do some mental health recovery in the past and unlearning lots of toxic ideologies— which I’m still unlearning— and it bothers me that he gets an easy pass because he’s hot. It’s one thing if you like Cullen, it’s another thing if you hold him accountable.

[luvkirby4ever]

Of birds and morons:  a look into Mother 3′s most intricate unspoken running joke/motif

Shoutout to @amphibizzy for convincing me to talk about this.  There’s so much Mother 3 meta that I want to talk about- maybe next time I’ll make a video essay to spare you all from reading so much >o<

Tldr; Duster and Wess have bird motifs that don’t quite translate over well, making Wess’s mannerisms slightly less harsh in context but outs him as surprisingly superstitious.  May be a nod to Japanese mythology, too.

So, a starting point.  Did you know that at beginning of chapter 7 after Ionia joins you (still tied up at this point) that if you go back and talk to Wess he says something rather strange?

For clarity, the entire original conversation reads "Washi no inemuri uranai ni yoreba kyou wa TRIPLE LUCKY da yo.  Jishin o motte daikatsuyaku shinasai."  which translates as “According to my sleep divinations, today is triple lucky.  Go forth with great confidence.”

Weird, right?  Since when has Wess believed in something like fortune telling through dreams?  Is that why he believed Alec’s dream of Hinawa?  And what does this have to do with birds?

Be sure to remember this.

Part 1:  Cleaning crew bird boys

So now let’s take a step back and look at the easiest part of all this.  In all of Mother 3, there’s only 1 bandana that Flint can equip (the manly bandana that Lighter gave him), otherwise the only characters than can equip bandanas are Duster and Salsa.  The bandanas (except the manly one) all have a bird names, with the types being the chick, sparrow, rail (the kana used refers to the water rail, a type of bird), swallow (also a bird), crow, kite (also a bird), and Horus (the Egyptian god whose head resembles a falcon).

Now that’s all well and good, but let’s say that’s not good enough.  Wess and Duster’s connection with watching over the Hummingbird Egg seems pretty solid with Duster’s bird bandanas but let’s go deeper.

When Wess snaps, he consistently refers to Duster as “aho” (moron) and “anoaho” (that moron).  Which is needlessly cruel, but... also a pun.  Yes, that’s right.  The game totters around the joke that Duster is bird-brained, through which Wess is the main spark and Duster is the conduit.  And for the record’s sake this isn’t me excusing Wess’s actions- I’m making an intricate webcomic about his relationship with Duster and him learning how to be a better person for a reason, after all- but I’ve literally heard nobody else talk about this so I honestly think people don’t know about it.

In Japan, “aho” means “moron”, but it is also the onomatopoeia for a crow’s cawing.  There’s a trope known as the “idiot crow” in Japanese media based on this.  What will happen is that something dumb will happen and a crow will fly by and caw “aho aho!”.  Which means “caw caw” but also means “moron moron”.  Thus the joke.  So Wess’s “aho aho!”-ing and using “anoaho” makes him sound like an old crow, commentating on Duster’s mistakes.

Will I get banned from the fandom for making a Homestuck “caw caw motherfucker joke with Wess or-?”

This also feeds into Duster being a bird- “aho” (”moron”) is also used in the word “ahoudori” (”albatross”).  Which is a bird, of course.  And it’s no coincidence either- albatross are known as “idiot birds” in Japan- that’s what “ahoudori” literally translates to.

One more thing that I’ll add to the “Duster’s a bird” pool aside from making a “HEY GUYS LOOK HE’S A FEATHER DUSTER” joke is that his “aho�� bird-ness lends him to more “you are ____ type of bird” jokes, which is actually extrapolated by Lighter in game.

In the Japanese version Lighter says “Sugoshi CONDOR?  Iya sakatta.  Sugoshi hagetaka?  Gaahaahaaha.”  This translates as “[You’re] a bit condor-ish?  No, that’s not it.  [You’re] a bit vulture-ish?  Gahaha.”

A bit “vulture-ish”?  Why does he say that?  And why did Mato translate it as going bald?  Because it’s another wordplay pun!  Much like how “ahoudori” (”albatross”) is literally “idiot-bird”, “hagetaka” (”vulture”) is literally “bald-hawk”.  But even more than that, “hagetaka” (a noun) is similar to “hageru”, the verb for “to bald”.  Since “hageru” is an ichidan verb, you can conjugate it as “hageta” to say “balded”.  And then you tack on “ka” at the end to make the statement a question.  So, in short:

Hagetaka=vulture

Hage=bald

Taka=hawk

Hageru=to bald

Hageta=balded

“Hagetaka?”=“Have you balded?”

Hagetaakaa=the “balding eagle” enemy on Mr. Oriander

Damn, Lighter!  That’s a choice pun.  Now, whether or not he was mostly doing it to make a bird joke, to note that Duster looks balder without an afro, or genuinely comment on Duster’s hairline is anyone’s guess.  But hey thanks for the bird fodder Lighter!

Part 2:  Idiots don’t catch colds

If there’s one Japanese idiom you’ve heard, it’s probably that one.  It’s a funny little superstition- the idea that you’re so dumb that your brain lacks to capacity to get a cold- but surprisingly it may be a belief by which Wess operates.  And yes, this still has to do with birds!  In a roundabout way!

Wess being the type of person to believe in magical dreaming and superstition was a very hard concept for me to process at first after I read that “triple lucky” bit during a Mother 3 playthrough.  With the exception of Duster-related things, Wess seems like a fairly understanding and reasonable person:  he tells Flint to be careful and consider his family before rushing off to confront the Mecha-Drago, he wants to help search for Hinawa, he’s adamantly opposed to Fassad’s BS and is one of the only villagers to actively oppose him, and he even tells Duster (upon inputting “no” during a dialogue tree in early chapter 2) that Duster can target any hatred or resentment he may have towards him, since by Wess’s logic that doesn’t matter as long as their mission succeeds.

So if anything he’s a bit crass and willing to sacrifice his own pride/comfort/personal relationships for the greater good, but his convictions are strong and seemingly grounded in his own sense of justice and logic.  Which is why I always took him as someone who wouldn’t believe in PSI, magic, or anything supernatural like that.  But since he *does* seem to believe in that sort of thing, let’s break down what we know:

Wess refers to Duster as a moron

Duster’s IQ is often tied with Boney’s for lowest party member IQ

Wess tells Kumatora in chapter 3 that “morons like that don’t get hurt or sick”

Duster canonically doesn’t catch fevers while Kumatora and Lucas do

In Japan, there’s the idiom “idiots don’t catch colds”

Wess claims to have dreams with fortune telling powers

Says Lucas will have a “triple lucky” day

Lucas proceeds to successfully pull 3 out of the 7 needles before the chapter is over

It’s almost as if Wess wants Duster to be a moron, because superstitiously Duster would be safer that way.  Hm.  It’s also strange that Wess almost seems magical, which may have legitimately been viable at some point since Wess was planned as a playable character for a long while (Therefore he could have been a PSI user with thunder attacks to replace his bombs).  There’s an Earthbound 64 screenshot of Wess being alive while Duster is fainted and even all the way up through Mother 3 you can still access data suggesting Wess was a normal party member from the debug room (I could make a whole post on that- you can use a glitch to pull up all of his stats except HP and PP).

So Duster may be a bird and Wess an old, superstitious crow with maybe some sort of ambiguous connection to magic... but so what?  Well,

Part 3:  It’s Yo-kai time!  (Yatagarasu, Kotengu, and Karasutengu)

This is a much more speculative section, though I try to be reasonable.

You know, I skimmed over the fact that Duster’s final and best bandana is the Horus Bandana, named after the Egyptian deity with a falcon head.  Horus’s right and left eyes represent the sun and moon, respectively.  His left eye (the moon one) was injured in a fight, explaining the moon’s phases.  Funny, considering that Duster also has a left side injury.

But perhaps Horus isn’t the only ancient deity that we can talk about.  I propose the most compelling case, Yatagarasu:

(He’s the bird sitting atop the bow)

Yatagarasu is the Japanese name of a myth that originated in China.  He’s a 3-legged crow that is representative of the sun.  Specifically in Japan, he represents the will of heaven and divine intervention.  He symbolizes guidance, as well as rebirth after tragic stuff like battle/war.

Yatagarasu is prominent enough that there’s a Yu-gi-oh card and a Persona based on him too, which is pretty cool.  But even cooler is that he sounds a lot like what the Egg of Light, Wess, and Duster were responsible for.  The Egg was responsible for the rebirth of their lives for the citizens of Tazmily.  And Wess and Duster’s task to protect the Egg for reasons they don’t understand for the sake of a village that doesn’t appreciate their work seems like they’re doing god’s work, so to speak.

An important thing about Yatagarasu too is that it defies the normal Japanese superstition that crows are bad luck.  Yatagarasu is a harbinger of good.  I’m not sure if any of this was intentional or not, but I think comparing Duster, Wess, and the Egg of Light to it is a pretty solid theory.

So let’s briefly skim over Kotengu and Karasutengu, which are lesser Tengu with bird-like faces.  (For my own reference there’s really good write ups here and here about them.)  For the most part the important thing is that they are bird/crow yokai, but one intriguing thing I found is that Kotengu is that they tend to live like hermits (like Wess and Duster), carry items/weapons stolen from humans (the thief aspect), and collect magical items (the thief tools).

Conclusion:

So do I think Wess and Duster are supposed to represent bird tengu?  I don’t know!  Maybe not completely deliberately, but I definitely believe in the strength of the bird motifs (especially crow Wess).  I had drawn a silly little picture about it 2 years ago for Inktober, in fact...

Whatever the case, I hope someone out there appreciates the info dump.  There’s a lot of Mother 3 stuff I’ve examined meticulously so that my Mother 3 webcomic, DutyBound, can be the best it can be.  Sometimes there’s so much info I want to share but nobody who will listen, though!

So if anyone ever wants to hear some more crazy in-depth Mother 3 meta, I’m your guy >.<

[alewyren]

final fantasy!

I wasn’t sure if I should include Bravely Default or not because ohhh man I have some fuckin Thoughts, so I’ll just do one for mainline FF and one for Bravely Default.

The first character I first fell in love with: 

Tidus left a strong impression on me as a kid due to the way FFX ended, and I still really like him, but I wouldn’t say I was ever in love with him. On the other hand, Fang from FFXIII turned me gay.

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: 

Kuja, I think? As much as I will maintain that he is the objective best FF villain until the day I die, and as much as that outfit is IC for him, it’s still, uh. Not good. It’s not even that it’s too feminine, it’s just fucking ugly, lmao. Doesn’t make for a great first impression. But god fucking damn, he is very, very good. Maybe at some point I’ll whip up a meta about him, but I’m not sure what to say that hasn’t been covered already.

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: 

Sephiroth. He’s got a cool design, a great theme song (those chosen by the planet, not one winged angel), and a phenomenally intimidating presence. But the thing is, as far as FF7 itself is concerned, he’s barely a character. He’s long dead by the time of the game and exists only as an echo of the past and a manifestation of Cloud’s psychological problems. By the end, he’s more Jenova (who herself is more a force of nature than a character) than himself imo. He works because of what he represents, and the mystery surrounding him, not because of who he is. Hailing him as the “best FF villain” misses the point. I feel like Squeenix themselves don’t get what was great about Sephiroth, since we keep getting these immensely fucking bland villains like Vayne, Caius, and Ardyn that are clearly trying to recapture the Sephiroth magic by focusing on the cool factor or the relationship with the protag or whatever when none of that is why Sephiroth worked in FF7 to begin with.

The character I love that everyone else hates: 

Vanille. Yeah the English voice direction was awful, yeah the noises she makes when riding her eidolon are immensely fucking uncomfortable, but she’s actually a really interesting character who deserved more time to shine, and I maintain that she should have been the protag of FF13 rather than Pink Squall. Since she has like, y’know, a much more direct hand in the entire plot of the goddamn game.

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: 

uuuuuuuhhh I really don’t know. Maybe Kain. I used to think he was the shit but now I’m just like “haha, mr. friendzone at it again.” Or maybe Cloud, thanks to Advent Children taking a steaming dump on his personality in the name of fanservice.

The character I would totally smooch: 

FANG. SHE IS SO FUCKING HOT GOOD LORD I’M GAY. Also Rydia. Uh, adult Rydia, that is.

The character I’d want to be like: 

Fang is pretty goals, but she’s a bit more butch than I personally see myself, haha. Maybe Celes, sans heterosexuality and poor taste in dudes. She’s very cool, strong, and sexy.

The character I’d slap: 

Squall I guess? Cheer Up Emo Kid!

A pairing that I love: 

Kuja/Terra! I’d toyed with the idea before thanks to Dissidia 012, but NT sold me forever. There are a lot of reasons these two work so well, the most important being that their interactions are absolutely fucking precious. The reason he freed her from Kefka’s control in the first place, apart from wanting to stick it to the asshole clown, was because he empathized with her, but when she thanked him later he downplayed the hell out of it. Terra genuinely tries to reach out to him, and he’s receptive, but aloof, and acts so theatrical about it (”If that is what Her Highness wishes.”) It’s… cute? Like, they’re both pretty damn emotionally stunted due to their, uh, irregular upbringings, and there’s so much potential there! *slams fists on table* GIVE ME MORE

A pairing that I despise: 

Come to think of it, I don’t think I have a single genuine notp in the entire Final Fantasy franchise. Even ships I don’t really care for, like Cecil/Rosa, Locke/Celes or Wakka/Lulu, I wouldn’t say I hate them, just think they’re lame and poorly written. I guess Kuja/Zidane? Yeah, yeah, I know, rich as fuck coming from me, but I just don’t like them romantically at all. The most important reason being that they’re ugly as sin together.

and now, the bravely default hot takes nobody asked for but that I will rant about at literally any given opportunity.

The first character I first fell in love with: 

EDEA!!! I love her SO MUCH! She’s an adorable, precious ENTJ child who’s so headstrong, but naive, and so endearing. Her design (in the first game–blue is not her color) is great, and she has some of the best class outfit designs as well. She’s also the main melee bulk of the party, which I find immensely refreshing in a franchise where the girls are usually mages or rogues. 

Her character arc is pretty basic, sure, but it works. For starters, she’s the best handled rebellious princess I’ve seen, in that she just flat out turns on Eternia–everything she’s ever known–with scarcely a second thought. Not because she feels trapped by the burdens of being royalty or whatever, she’s just stubborn and willful and has an iron sense of right and wrong that she’s willing to fight for above all else. Which, I mean, yeah, evil empire, but it’s not that simple. Which is why her arc is about reconciling with the fact that it isn’t all black and white, and embracing her role as eventual queen of Eternia. 

The writing is pretty hamfisted, what with her literally calling things “black and white,” but she’s 15, so I’ll give it a pass. Yeah, I know the American version aged her up to make the fanservice shit less gross, but it doesn’t really work when her character is about overcoming her childish worldview, lol. Like, she’s a babbu. You can’t just change a number and make her less babbu. Her theme song is literally called “Baby Bird.” Maybe just don’t fucking sexualize characters who are meant to be read as childish in the first place? She deserved so much better than the writing she got in Bravely Second, which I’ll… get to later, but she was still an absolute delight. Did I mention she’s also hilarious? “Oops, my foot slipped.” “You just DROPKICKED ME!”

The character I never expected to love as much as I do now: 

Yew. I mean, I don’t love him as much as Edea, but Bravely Second was kind of a hot mess, if fun, and his arc pleasantly surprised me. He kind of had a similar arc as Edea in the first game, but in the opposite direction. Over the course of the game he gradually overcame his rich, upper class nerd privilege worldview and became Woke ™, and then used his privilege to help people. By contrast, Edea still had to go through the journey of getting past her simplistic worldview, but whereas she was quick to recognize the fact that her world was wrong and had to learn not to see things in extremes, Yew had to work to claw his way outside of that box in the first place. The plot twist about his brother was obvious as hell but like, whatever, it was fun. His mask didn’t even cover that much of his face, how did he not know,

The character everyone else loves that I don’t: 

Tiz. He’s boring, not much else to say there. Except, his design in Bravely Second had me excited as hell because he looks so emo and ow the edge and I was really excited to see what they were gonna do with him, but his personality is… exactly the same as the first game? Why bring him back at all? For that matter, why kill him off in the first place? I know they were going for some meta shit, but like… why?

The character I love that everyone else hates: 

Airy, but idk if that counts because I love her for precisely the reasons everyone else hates her. Even if I think the good end should have been obtained by seeing through her ruse and blowing up the crystals rather than just going along with what she says and repeating the same fucking sequence of bosses over and over…

The character I used to love but don’t any longer: 

Ringabel. Mainly for shipping reasons and because I’m increasingly exhausted with the whole chivalrous pervert trope, especially when Edea was very much underage in the first game, lmao. He’s a good character objectively speaking, but a lot of his potential wasn’t capitalized on and I still don’t get how Alternis did a complete 180 from his brooding initial personality, to… that. Or why there were AU Ringabels in the ending sequence of the first game when I thought the whole point was that he was a spanner in the works who shouldn’t have been part of the party in the first place, and that’s how they managed to foil Airy? Or, it should have been, if they didn’t literally just go along with what she said until the end despite his very clear warnings that she was up to some shady shit. The final stretch of Bravely was a fucking trainwreck, nothing new there.

The character I would totally smooch: 

Edea. But like, a forehead smooch, because she’s a babbu. Though she is 18 for real this time in Second, isn’t she? And she’s matured considerably by then too… hrm.

The character I’d want to be like: 

Edea post-character development. She’s got her shit together, and she’s still strong-willed, outgoing, and adorable as all hecke.

The character I’d slap: 

Yulyana. Fuck the quirky pervert trope, seriously. It’s not funny, it’s never been funny, and it never will be funny.

A pairing that I love: 

Well, Agnes/Olivia is the only pairing that I straightforwardly ship, and I’ll never not be mad that they just, like. Forgot about Olivia in the final stretch of the game. Like they really just killed her off for shock value, huh? Okay Sure.

I like Edea/Alternis a lot too, but it’s complicated. Reading through D’s Journal during a blind playthrough left way more of an impact on me than Ringabel’s dumb flirting, but they definitely have a lot of shit to work through before they get together. They obviously both genuinely care about each other, though Edea’s got other shit on her plate to worry about rather than Alternis being a lovelorn, emo weirdo. But like, he’s not only so emotionally distant from her despite his feelings that she doesn’t even know what his face looks like, but he’s got a weird possessive streak towards her? It might be a translation thing but the phrasing “I would have taken you as my wife” is a bit. Iffy. Especially considering a. the age gap and b. she outranks him. Of course she’s having none of this shit, but I do like the idea of them both maturing, actually bonding like human beings, and getting together when they’re older, ie: when Edea is queen and Alternis has learned to accept his fate as a permabottom. Childhood friend loyalty kink is my passion, and like, while Edea is very much a take charge no nonsense lady, she struggles with personal relationships and emotions. They both do, and that’s why their relationship is so complicated and interesting. I’d love to read slowburn of them.

A pairing that I despise: 

Rindea. But wait, you say! Didn’t you just write a whole paragraph on how you like Altdea? Well, yes. I do stand by that, and I enjoy the ship because of its problems rather than in spite of them. Rindea is. Not that. While Altdea is  a flawed relationship that I’d love to see mature into something functional along with the characters themselves, Rindea is a disgustingly written trainwreck that shits on all that potential, as well as Edea’s entire fucking character, constantly.

I don’t hate the very idea of these two as an item. The problem is how badly said item is written. Even though Rindea has the same problematic base as Altdea, which is treated as flawed, it just completely fucking glosses over all of that, everything that actually makes their relationship interesting, in favor of generic hetero pervy slap slap kiss tsundere bullshit. Yes, Ringabel’s feelings for her run deeper than that, but that’s basically all that their dynamic, their actual interactions, amount to. And for some reason she’s into it? Like, I’m sorry, but fucking when and why did she develop feelings for him? Was it before or after she learned about his true identity? Is it because he’s Alternis or in spite of it? Hell, how did she feel about that revelation in the first place? All of that is very much worth addressing, but they LITERALLY NEVER DO.

Did she just secretly like his annoying flirting all along because no obviously means yes? Like, Ringabel still fucking carries all the baggage associated with being Alternis but the game doesn’t give a fuck! It’s overbearing and weird when Alternis comes onto Edea, but when Ringabel does it it’s peak romance! He loves her so it’s okay! And we don’t know anything about Edea’s feelings for him because the game just never fucking goes into it! It’s just assumed that she must like him back! Hey, here’s a thought! Maybe if Ringabel actually loves her so much he could respect her feelings and lay the fuck off! Oh wait, no means yes, right. And don’t even get me started on Bravely Second, jesus fucking christ. You seriously mean to tell me that, according to Yoko, my girl’s only personal damage is being tfw no bf? Nothing about the stress of ruling a nation or any of her other relationships? Nothing even about how her feelings for Ringabel might actually be more fucking complicated than dokidoki take me with you ringabel kun? Absolutely Fucking Disgusting.

Listen. I like problematic ships, but Rindea is just fucking bad, and it’s made worse by the fact that canon thinks it’s good. At this point they’ve missed so many opportunities to actually expand meaningfully on Edea’s side of the relationship that it’s a lost fucking cause and I want it to die in a fire. Good lord I hate this ship and it’s exhausting being an Edea main when it’s the entire fandom’s OTP. Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

I ranted more about this ship as well as the other canon Bravely ships in this post and will probably do so again when presented the opportunity.

[nobodysuspectsthebutterfly]

I've only read parts of World of Ice and Fire, but one of the things I liked about it is that wrong or not Maester Yandel isn't just a strawman skeptic and that does give legit reasons for a lot of the stuff he says along with qualifiers like "Maybe whoever inspired the Children of the Forest legends really did know some lost arts that we don't understand like speaking with ravens, but that doesn't mean they had literal magic powers and could summon tidal waves and warg into beasts"

Yeah… I guess he’s not a strawman, but Yandel’s just so blatantly wrong sometimes it’s embarrassing. Like, for example:

It was the children who carved the weirwoods with faces, perhaps to give eyes to their gods so that they might watch their worshippers at their devotions. Others, with little evidence, claim that the greenseers—the wise men of the children—were able to see through the eyes of the carved weirwoods. The supposed proof is the fact that the First Men themselves believed this; it was their fear of the weirwoods spying upon them that drove them to cut down many of the carved trees and weirwood groves, to deny the children such an advantage. Yet the First Men were less learned than we are now, and credited things that their descendants today do not…

Archmaester Fomas’s Lies of the Ancients—though little regarded these days for its erroneous claims regarding the founding of Valyria and certain lineal claims in the Reach and westerlands—does speculate that the Others of legend were nothing more than a tribe of the First Men, ancestors of the wildlings, that had established itself in the far north. Because of the Long Night, these early wildlings were then pressured to begin a wave of conquests to the south. That they became monstrous in the tales told thereafter, according to Fomas, reflects the desire of the Night’s Watch and the Starks to give themselves a more heroic identity as saviors of mankind, and not merely the beneficiaries of a struggle over dominion.

Oh, and there’s this especially fun bit:

Claiming to have consulted with texts said to be preserved at Castle Black, Septon Barth put forth that the children of the forest could speak with ravens and could make them repeat their words. According to Barth, this higher mystery was taught to the First Men by the children so that ravens could spread messages at a great distance. It was passed, in degraded form, down to the maesters today, who no longer know how to speak to the birds. […] Ravens are amongst the cleverest of birds, but they are no wiser than infant children, and considerably less capable of true speech, whatever Septon Barth might have believed.

“It was the singers who taught the First Men to send messages by raven… but in those days, the birds would speak the words. The trees remember, but men forget, and so now they write the messages on parchment and tie them round the feet of birds who have never shared their skin.” –ADWD, Bran II

So, in a world where we know magic exists and the greenseers can see through the eyes of the trees, where we know the Others exist, where we know wargs exist, Yandel just comes off as stupid or deliberately ignorant. I mean, it tells us a lot about the Citadel and how their anti-magic agenda warps even curious and intelligent men into this really obvious blindspot, but it’s… sad. Sadly hilarious sometimes, but still.

And IMO it puts Yandel’s historiography in doubt in general, where how can we really believe that anything he says is true? Sure, often he’s just quoting other sources (like Archmaester Gyldayn’s histories of House Targaryen, and works by other maesters), but how many of those sources are missing magical motivations and magical events because the Citadel censored them or encouraged the writers to dismiss them as nonsense?

Furthermore, it’s not just magical things the maesters censored, but political motivations and events, depending on the whims of who they were writing for. Gyldayn quotes Septon Eustace often re the Dance of the Dragons; but Eustace was on Aegon II’s side, and wrote blatant false propaganda like saying Rhaenyra’s arms and legs were all cut up the first time she sat the Iron Throne… even though she was wearing full armor. How much else of Eustace’s words can we really trust? In addition to this, another source for the history of the Dance was Grand Maester Orwyle, who wrote his account to flatter Rhaenyra to save himself from being executed. Not to mention another major source, Mushroom’s account, which was a deliberately scandalous rag full of debauchery that may not have even been written by Mushroom himself. And to make this even more difficult, sometimes the editing of the history novellas (as published) cut out bits where Gyldayn said he was quoting Eustace or Orwyle or Mushroom, so it’s presented to the reader as straight facts!

And then there’s Yandel himself. According to Elio Garcia, when Robert died, and Ned Stark was arrested and executed for treason and the War of the Five Kings began, Yandel realized his recent history, his accounts of Robert’s Rebellion and the Greyjoy Rebellion, had way too much hero Ned Stark and hero Stannis Baratheon in it. (Robert’s best friend and Robert’s brother, after all.) So he cut them out as much as he could, and rewrote. Paragraphs that originally praised Ned and Stannis for their generalship and their success in battle, were heavily edited to exclude them from the narrative after Joffrey declared them traitors. That leads to a lot of awkwardness in those sections, where some readers may go, “wait, this is missing something”… but unfortunately many readers won’t even realize what Yandel did. TWOIAF is “the untold history of the Game of Thrones”, after all! It’s got be true, right?

Although at least Yandel’s writing to please the king is extremely obvious (and odious) in the section of the Sack of King’s Landing, where he says that Tywin’s men fought “the defenders of King’s Landing” (and doesn’t mention the rape and murder and sacking of the innocent populace), and then goes on to say “it is not known” who murdered Princess Rhaenys and Prince Aegon, and raped and murdered Princess Elia. That Yandel even includes the supposed rumors that Aerys ordered it done, or that Elia murdered her children herself, instead of including any word possibly damning Robert’s father-in-law Tywin… well, that should recognized by all readers, I would hope. (Though considering how much irrational Elia hate there is, I doubt it, alas.)

Basically, Maester Yandel is a very unreliable narrator, and in some places it’s more obvious than others, more or less noticeable by the readers. I mean, it’s excellent worldbuilding, no doubt about that. It certainly deals with the concepts of history being written by the winners, and the problems of conflicting historical sources, and the nature of academia, and everything. But sometimes it still worries me when fans (especially other meta writers) accept these deliberately written-to-be-biased sources in TWOIAF and the history novellas (and eventually Fire and Blood) as absolute truth.

[squidproquoclarice]

Fine, now that you mention it I do want commentary on ch3 of MAWAMS, you absolute menace. Also, this is hella good imagery even though it hurt me emotionally so props on that: “Suddenly the whole thing seemed to turn as one single nightmare, like a thaumatrope, that 19th century child’s toy, the disk with a bird on one side and a cage on the other. Spin it fast enough and the two pictures combined, the bird suddenly trapped in the cage.”

I…have only myself to blame for this.  Though oh shit, where do I even start.  Buckle your seatbelt because this will take a while.Since you mentioned it specifically: the thaumatrope image seemed too on the nose to not use at this point.  Lorena and Lucy, watching them die, watching them happy in love with someone else.  There’s no way it ever ends well for him with either of them, because he’ll only fail them, and he doesn’t deserve to be happy anyway.  It’s all just one big blur of pain, the bird captured and stuck in its cage.I debated skipping the scene where Denise and Garcia go see Lorena.  But it’s an important thing for him.  He’s waited for four years to see her alive again and he deserved that moment, painful as it is.  I deliberately wrote it as somewhat spare in some ways–he’s not focusing on how beautiful she is to him, or looking for too long at her kids to see how much they may resemble Iris, for example.  He’s doing his best to keep the emotions in the box and lock everything down tight.I had Lorena come over because Lorena Valaitis is tough and nobody’s damn fool and seeing this strange car and people staring at her house, she’s gonna take notice and confront them.  And honestly, because Flynn sort of needed more than to just spy on her walking her kids to the car.  This hurts like hell, but it also helps him make more peace with her situation.  And on a meta level, Lorena deserves some Goddamn screen time and a voice of her own rather than being simply a concept inspiring  Garcia’s emotions, because she’s a really great character to write.As to the house, it made sense for Lorena to live there now.  I’d written it as an inheritance from her grandparents that the Flynns used when they were stateside with Lorena’s family.  They lived primarily in Croatia, in Split, due to Garcia’s work as an Eastern Europe NSA asset, but as I wrote in the vodka confessions, they were planning to move to Baltimore permanently in the future.  So it’s a house Lorena loved.  Of course this Lorena whose life centers even more tightly around her hometown will still live there.I had the murders happen in Baltimore because it makes more sense for him to get to Brazil, especially with virtually no money and no resources, if he’s on the proper side of the Atlantic already, and from the look of the cemetery and some the names on other headstones in 1x06, they’re seemingly buried in America, not Croatia, which is what originally made me go for Lorena likely being American.  (I think the “wife” on Lorena’s headstone is an angry accusation by the Valaitises of oh look, it’s a wife and daughter taken too soon as more domestic violence statistics!)And it’s another good and bad thing for Garcia.  Seeing the house again for the first time since he ran from Rittenhouse is not easy.  But seeing it as a place where this didn’t happen, where Lorena’s family lives and it’s peaceful and good, will actually do him some good in the end.  But for now the cognitive dissonance is most definitely a mindfuck.  The fact Lorena  doesn’t seem to have even that “huh, do I know you?” moment both helps and hurts.  This is when he knows it’s truly over between them, because it never was, and he’s glad because it means she’s safe.  He probably figures Emma will never go after her because this is more or less a punitive peace treaty forced upon him on the Lorena and Iris issue.  Rittenhouse kills this Lorena, it’s game on again for him to change history to get both Iris and his Lorena back. Garcia being Garcia, he sees how happy and safe she seems and thinks about how she’s so much better off, how this is the life she should have had and he couldn’t fully give her.  At this point he’s basically Pushkin’s Ya vas lyubil as a giant sad Croatian and saying his goodbye to her, and it hurts but he’s OK with it because he’s convinced she’s better off than she ever was with him.  Because yes, Flynn has a few self-respect issues.Denise, in that moment, probably is concerned for him as a friend but seriously in awe of how he can control himself in this situation and flawlessly bluff his way through it without even a flicker of the devastation showing.  Because Garcia Flynn, albeit a Human Disaster, is also a Very Good Agent.  Seeing how the two of them readily play off each other shows Garcia a lot about the teamwork they have in this timeline where they don’t have all the bitterness and mistrust that they do in the original.  It’s weird, yes, but he’s grateful for it anyway.It would have been way too easy for Tim to be an asshole, or for them both to be Rittenhouse, and then Garcia has quote unquote the “right” to try to rescue Lorena from this, blah blah.  I didn’t want to go that route. Tim’s a good man, a good husband, and a good father.  They literally have never heard the name Rittenhouse, except maybe there’s some place in Philly named that?He’s seen Lorena and he knows he has to accept this.  But Lorena’s the easy part.  Iris is the hard one.  Denise drags him to her favorite cop bar in the ‘burbs between DC and Baltimore where she used to live, and given they’re now on the wrong side of town to easily head back to Gettysburg, and it was probably at least a half hour or forty-five minute drive to go specifically to that bar, she’s clearly spending some time and effort on this.  And he notices that.   It’s what you do with someone who’s been a partner on this years-long mission, who’s become a close friend.  You drag them to your favorite bar, buy them a beer, and just sit with them.  If they want to talk, they talk.  If they don’t, you just silently support.Side note: in this timeline, I do think Denise and Garcia have also bonded over her being a lesbian WOC born of immigrant parents and him being an immigrant, bi, and demi (though I don’t think he has the word to describe the latter–it’s maybe Lucy or maybe even Jiya that defines it eventually) and being in a profession that’s not always exactly the most friendly to non-white, non-straight, and non-native born.  And prior to noticing him pining for Lucy, she really was trying to think of a nice woman or man to set him up with.  ;) He’s trying to make peace with it so he can carry on, but he’s also kicking his own ass that he handed Emma that information because he so desperately needed an ally.  Though notice it doesn’t turn into paranoia: he doesn’t start to regard Denise with suspicion.So: Lorena is fine, but Iris is forever out of his reach.  He realizes his mother was wrong–you do have to find a way to let go, somehow, eventually.  There’s no hope for Iris.  The best he can do is not make himself a worse man trying to bring her back. But he’s struggling really hard to let go, and not feel like he’s failed her as a father. He’s got a clean slate, and Lorena’s happy, but he’ll have to live knowing he owes that to Emma.  Fine.  Rittenhouse is going to burn for this, and Emma especially, because as angry as he was in 2x07 at her betrayal, it is now 100% personal between them.  But Garcia being Garcia, and still so used to being alone and without support, he starts wandering back towards the Dark Side. That sort of cold steely rage we saw from him in season 1: Only the mission matters.  You don’t.  He’s good for killing things. All right then.  Bring it on.  He pushes himself through range clearance, and then when they get back to Gettysburg, he goes right to the punching bag to go push the injured shoulder exactly like Abby Kovac told him not to do.  Because he can’t be weak when the next mission happens.  And yeah, he’s got a few frustrations to work through right then and punches and kicks sound like a great idea.He couldn’t save Lorena or Iris.  Rufus died right in front of him.  He almost got killed himself, and he’s seeing that it was a very severe injury and he’s not 18 and able to just bounce right back from it.  And emotionally off balance as he is then, he stumbles onto the next part of it: he can’t be less than back to normal on the next mission, because he absolutely, positively, 100%, cannot fail Lucy.  He can’t lose her.  Can’t watch her die.  Realizes he almost did in Chinatown.He’s not quite at Sao Paulo levels of emotional breakdown, or season 1 levels of closed-off rage, but he’s definitely Not In A Good Place.  And he’s pushed himself so hard he’s exhausted and can’t even punch anymore.  And it’s then that Lucy shows up.  (Actually, she’d been standing there for a few minutes already trying to figure out how to handle this, and him backing off gave her the opening she needed.) And dammit, Lucy, your timing is impeccable because you’re just what’s needed here.  She came, because as much of a screwup as he thinks he is, somehow she does care.  He manages to calm down a little, enough to say he’ll go get cleaned up.  They’ll talk, and he’s hoping that somehow, she’ll say the right thing as she usually does, and show him a different way.  Denise tried, Jiya was sympathetic, but as usual, it’s really only Lucy who has that deep enough bond to get through to him when he’s on the edge of the void.

ANYWAY.  Anyone else want to join the Denny’s parking lot fight?

[horrible-monstrosity]

*clears throat*

So, like, I've finally given up on Mother 3. Like, for good. For a good god damned while anyway. Why? I saw the ending. Not the ending ending, I guess, but the scene from somewhere towards the end where it plays the new version of Polyanna and I... I just can't with this shit anymore. It's all just so fucking terrible. First off, it sounds fucking awful. I don't know what the fuck you call this shit, overproduced? They thrust this bumped-up overpumped drumbeaty thing into it like they're going HEY DO YOU REMMEBER THIS IMPACTFUL SONG FROM THE FIRST FEW GAMES? IT SURE IS A SONG HUH WITH NOTES AND MUSIC IN IT. And what it's paired with is just... appalling. I cannot understand how the people who claim to like this just eat this sort of shit up. It's somehow simultaneously droolingly pandering to the original audience and smearing feces all over the good content of the original work. Literal Rey Skywalker tier fucking bullshit. LOOOOOK AT HOW GOOOOOD THE THIGN FROM THE OLD WORK WOS BUT NOW WITH THE STOOPID CONTEXT LOOK OF BAAAAAD IT ALSO IS OOOOOOO SO DEEEEEEEPPPPP porky did nothing wrong and from now on my headcanon is buzzy buzz was pokey from a timeline where he decided to become a hero and save ness. too bad ness never returned the favor and saved pokey from this shit, that asshole

anyway here's the detritus of my watching of part 6 vinny's playthrough that i can't be bothered to finish up anymore, fuck you, enjoy

-

the dark dragon will become as dark or light as the person who awakens it- then why the fuck is it called the fucking the dark dragon you mother fuck eat walls of text telling you a bunch of shit about the needles and some dragon that has nothing to do with fuckijg anything up until this point or even at this point except the game told you to care, but its good writing somehow because IT;S AN RPG PLOT SO META NO ONE'S EVER DONE A BOGSHIT RPG PLOT BEFOR EFH TRT GJXMTGFREXY MGNVY NFGJGURNTGMRYV,ZRU  GXKUDYG SHUT THE FUCK UP SHUT THE FUCL UP YOU FUCKUNG STUPID ASS FUCKING GAME FG MYRDB MJYB RGBMFTUMT

They get to the Chimera Lab (again, why couldn't they just stick with this shit and not put the stupid fucking dragon kneedles plot in?) aaand- the Pigmuhs are fucking nice again. They call you their cute little part-timer and seem genuinely concerned for your safety, telling you to save yourself from the Ultimutt Kimura; there's one feigning stomach pain to get out of having to fight it but given that it beat up multiple of his comrades already, I can't really blame him. It's actually real hard to hate the Piguntes for their actions when they're so damn incompetent. really shoulda been the main/only antagonistic foce in a mostly comedic game, or a group that's evil but not really who become unlikely allies against actual world destruction... kimura is suck. boring. the gameplay actually looks great, but the design just fucking shits the bed. Not only were the more disturbing Earthbound monsters actually, like, more disturbing than this, they were made more impressive by being undersold, simply being encountered in the later levels like any goofy earlier monster was, the ultimut kimura is ludicrously oversold for the shitty MSPaint big-mouth scribble it looks like. Also, if this is the "ultimate" chimera, does this mean the chimera monsters will be dropped after this? Man what a letdown, they were so inventive and creative... blegh And then after all that it turns out the fucking god damned monkeys were responsible for everything, somehow. Fucking hell, the sudience is supposed to want these animals to be allowed freedom of will, if this is what they end up doing we'd all be better off with them under Fassad's thumb for the rest of time. This fucking game. The characters that act like we're supposed to like them and what they're doing are all horrible miserable cunts that cause nothing but grief and the characters that act like cacking villains we're supposed to hate with every fiber of our being do barely anything wrong and get the book thrown at them.

then i ragequit for a while then the monke needed to have a flashback to that scene where lucass sicced a dragon on someone on sight, nevermind why he has this relationship with the leezards where he can comand them to attack people, in order to want to do the obvious good thing and turn the damn chimera off. well the little shit is the one who let it loose in the first place so ok. and then monke """defeats""""" the chimera with no gameplay or tension or anything and they just fucking leave. except the bird turns the kimera back on because just leaving it like that would be too stupid for even this game... but them the next plot point sends them right back there anyway because this game is really actually just that fucking stupid. FIX YOUR GOD DAMNED PACING, GOD DAMN IT FOR FUCKS SAKE

Like, even if you accept monke being a shallow little fuck that gives no fucks about the violent beast its unleashed pulping poor kindhearted pigmen and cute little part timers with pigmasks on until it realises said part timer is someone who benefitted it previously... this is some fucking spoonfeeding. I’m pretty sure the player can remember a scene that happened a few damned hours ago and connect it to what’s happening now, god fucking damn it.

[ivyplays]

April & May 2018 - finished games

April was a good month in games for me. I finally played two games I really wanted to try for a long time, but couldn find a moment.

Danganronpa V3: Killing Harmony [PC] - I’m a big fan of Danganronpa series, even if it’s not meant for my demographics. It’s a mix of a guilty pleasure (when I think of how pointless most of the game is) and of actual positive gaming experience (when I remember there is not so much good detective games out there), and I love it. I spent more then 50 hours on it. Compared to previous games, I think DRV3 had a good cast of characters, pretty decent cases, rather impacting plot twists, and a very unexpected ending. I think DR1 had better cases, and DR2 had better characters, but overall impression the DRV3 left on me is strong and good. I want to use some quotes here, “This is getting way too meta”, “I’m not here for a damn lecture”, and “This ending sucks”.

Finding Paradise [PC] - It’s a third game of To The Moon series (second being A Bird Story). I waited for it, I bought it at release, I couldn’t play it in time, but not it’s finished. It was good, I guess. It’s definitely not a standalone game. You should absolutely play To the Moon or A Bird Story before Finding Paradise, preferably both. It’s not as strong as To the Moon, and not as emotional as The Bird Story. I even think it somehow diminishes The Bird Story, making it useless. It’s a bad thing to do. A Bird Story is my favorite game of the series, and I think its characters deserved better. It’s still a nice series and I will absolutely play the next game.

May was also a nice month in gaming. I finished at least one game and tried a bunch of new ones (I’ll mention them later).

Atelier Sophie: The Alchemist of the Mysterious Book [PS4] - it’s probably the last Atelier game for me. They released two more already, and went multiplatform, but I’m not interested. Previous to Sophie was Shallie, and it was bad, it was not even unpolished, it was outright unfinished. Sophie is better. I mean, it doesn’t look like they forgot to put important objects in the cutscenes here, or messed up the quest texts. The scenery looks awful, no effort to make players forget for a moment that they are looking at 3D models. Character models are nice as always, but most characters along with their side quests are just very plain and boring. They even somehow managed to ruin Pamela! I was so exited to see her again after her unfortunate absence in a previous trilogy, but was discouraged completely, because its a different character from before - meek, boring, never playful, somehow badly modeled, and with a disastrous voice over on top of that. The craft system is still great, thanks for that. But I’m done with the series. Maybe I’ll go back to old PS2 Atelier games that I missed out. Atelier Iris looks interesting.

Endless Legend [PC] - I’m not sure if I’m right to add this game to the ‘finished’ list. After all, it’s a strategy game that can be replayed over and over again... But I did finish one campaign, I liked it, and I don’t plan on going back to this game anytime soon. This game looks very nice, it’s not hard to understand the basics, and it’s a very pleasant gaming experience. It has a lot of expansions and an active community. I like turn-based games and hex-based terrains, so I was fated to enjoy this game. It’s somewhat repetitive... no, it’s actually very repetitive and not very dynamic, but maybe that’s because I didn’t try it on ‘hard’. Writing this, I started to feel the urge to play it again, so maybe I’ll still do it after all. 

[wickedbananas]

The MozCon 2018 Final Agenda

Posted by Trevor-Klein

MozCon 2018 is just around the corner — just over six weeks away — and we're excited to share the final agenda with you today. There are some familiar faces, and some who'll be on the MozCon stage for the first time, with topics ranging from the evolution of searcher intent to the increasing importance of local SEO, and from navigating bureaucracy for buy-in to cutting the noise out of your reporting.

We're also thrilled to announce this year's winning pitches for our six MozCon Community Speaker slots! If you're not familiar, each year we hold several shorter speaking slots, asking you all to submit your best pitches for what you'd like to teach everyone at MozCon. The winners — all members of the Moz Community — are invited to the conference alongside all our other speakers, and are always some of the most impressive folks on the stage. Check out the details of their talks below, and congratulations to this year's roster!

Still need your tickets? We've got you covered, but act fast — they're over 70% sold!

Pick up your ticket to MozCon!

The Agenda

Monday, July 9

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast and registration

Doors to the conference will open at 8:00 for those looking to avoid registration lines and grab a cup of coffee (or two) before breakfast, which will be available starting at 8:30.

9:30–9:45 am

Welcome to MozCon 2018! Sarah Bird

Moz CEO Sarah Bird will kick things off by sharing everything you need to know about your time at MozCon 2018, including conference logistics and evening events.

She'll also set the tone for the show with an update on the state of the SEO industry, illustrating the fact that there's more opportunity in it now than there's ever been before.

9:50–10:20 am

The Democratization of SEO Jono Alderson

How much time and money we collectively burn by fixing the same kinds of basic, "binary," well-defined things over and over again (e.g., meta tags, 404s, URLs, etc), when we could be teaching others throughout our organizations not to break them in the first place?

As long as we "own" technical SEO, there's no reason (for example) for the average developer to learn it or care — so they keep making the same mistakes. We proclaim that others are doing things wrong, but by doing so we only reinforce the line between our skills and theirs.

We need to start giving away bits of the SEO discipline, and technical SEO is probably the easiest thing for us to stop owning. We need more democratization, education, collaboration, and investment in open source projects so we can fix things once, rather than a million times.

10:20–10:50 am

Mobile-First Indexing or a Whole New Google Cindy Krum

The emergence of voice-search and Google Assistant is forcing Google to change its model in search, to favor their own entity understanding or the world, so that questions and queries can be answered in context. Many marketers are struggling to understand how their website and their job as an SEO or SEM will change, as searches focus more on entity-understanding, context and action-oriented interaction. This shift can either provide massive opportunities, or create massive threats to your company and your job — the main determining factor is how you choose to prepare for the change.

10:50–11:20 am

AM Break

11:30–11:50 am

It Takes a Village: 2x Your Paid Search Revenue by Smashing Silos Community speaker: Amy Hebdon

Your company's unfair advantage to skyrocketing paid search revenue is within your reach, but it's likely outside the control of your paid search team. Good keywords and ads are just a few cogs in the conversion machine. The truth is, the success of the entire channel depends on people who don't touch the campaigns, and may not even know how paid search works. We'll look at how design, analysis, UX, PM and other marketing roles can directly impact paid search performance, including the most common issues that arise, and how to immediately fix them to improve ROI and revenue growth.

11:50 am–12:10 pm

The #1 and Only Reason Your SEO Clients Keep Firing You Community speaker: Meredith Oliver

You have a kick-ass keyword strategy. Seriously, it could launch a NASA rocket; it's that good. You have the best 1099 local and international talent on your SEO team that working from home and an unlimited amount of free beard wax can buy. You have a super-cool animal inspired company name like Sloth or Chinchilla that no one understands, but the logo is AMAZING. You have all of this, yet, your client turnover rate is higher than Snoop Dogg's audience on an HBO comedy special. Why? You don't talk to your clients. As in really communicate, teach them what you know, help them get it, really get it, talk to them. How do I know? I was you. In my agency's first five years we churned and burned through clients faster than Kim Kardashian could take selfies. My mastermind group suggested we *proactively* set up and insist upon a monthly review meeting with every single client. It was a game-changer, and we immediately adopted the practice. Ten years later we have a 90% client retention rate and more than 30 SEO clients on retainer.

12:10–12:30 pm

Why "Blog" Is a Misnomer for Our 2018 Content Strategy Community speaker: Taylor Coil

At the end of 2017, we totally redesigned our company's blog. Why? Because it's not really a blog anymore - it's an evergreen collection of traffic and revenue-generating resources. The former design catered to a time-oriented strategy surfacing consistently new posts with short half-lives. That made sense when we started our blog in 2014. Today? Not so much. In her talk, Taylor will detail how to make the perspective shift from "blog" to "collection of resources," why that shift is relevant in 2018's content landscape, and what changes you can make to your blog's homepage, nav, and taxonomy that reflect this new perspective.

12:30–2:00 pm

Lunch

2:05–2:35 pm

Near Me or Far: How Google May Be Deciding Your Local Intent For You Rob Bucci

In August 2017, Google stated that local searches without the "near me" modifier had grown by 150% and that searchers were beginning to drop geo-modifiers — like zip code and neighborhood — from local queries altogether. But does Google still know what searchers are after?

For example: the query [best breakfast places] suggests that quality takes top priority; [breakfast places near me] indicates that close proximity is essential; and [breakfast places in Seattle] seems to cast a city-wide net; while [breakfast places] is largely ambiguous.

By comparing non-geo-modified keywords against those modified with the prepositional phrases "near me" and "in [city name]" and qualifiers like "best," we hope to understand how Google interprets different levels of local intent and uncover patterns in the types of SERPs produced.

With a better understanding of how local SERPs behave, SEOs can refine keyword lists, tailor content, and build targeted campaigns accordingly.

2:35–3:05 pm

None of Us Is as Smart as All of Us Lisa Myers

Success in SEO, or in any discipline, is frequently reliant on people's ability to work together. Lisa Myers started Verve Search in 2009, and from the very beginning was convinced of the importance of building a diverse team, then developing and empowering them to find their own solutions.

In this session she'll share her experiences and offer actionable advice on how to attract, develop, and retain the right people in order to build a truly world-class team.

3:05–3:35 pm

PM Break

3:45–4:15 pm

Search-Driven Content Strategy Stephanie Briggs

Google's improvements in understanding language and search intent have changed how and why content ranks. As a result, many SEOs are chasing rankings that Google has already decided are hopeless. Stephanie will cover how this should impact the way you write and optimize content for search, and will help you identify the right content opportunities. She'll teach you how to persuade organizations to invest in content, and will share examples of strategies and tactics she has used to grow content programs by millions of visits.

4:15–4:55 pm

Ranking Is a Promise: Can You Deliver? Dr. Pete Meyers

In our rush to rank, we put ourselves first, neglecting what searchers (and our future customers) want. Google wants to reward sites that deliver on searcher intent, and SERP features are a window into that intent. Find out how to map keywords to intent, understand how intent informs the buyer funnel, and deliver on the promise of ranking to drive results that attract clicks and customers.

7:00–10:00 pm

Kickoff Party

Networking the Mozzy way! Join us for an evening of fun on the first night of the conference (stay tuned for all the details!).

Tuesday, July 10

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast

9:35–10:15 am

Content Marketing Is Broken and Only Your M.O.M. Can Save You Oli Gardner

Traditional content marketing focuses on educational value at the expense of product value, which is a broken and outdated way of thinking. We all need to sell a product, and our visitors all need a product to improve their lives, but we're so afraid of being seen as salesy that somehow we got lost, and we forgot why our content even exists. We need our M.O.M.s! No, not your actual mother. Your Marketing Optimization Map — your guide to exploring the nuances of optimized content marketing through a product-focused lens.

In this session you'll learn data and lessons from Oli's biggest ever content marketing experiment, and how those lessons have changed his approach to content; a context-to-content-to-conversion strategy for big content that converts; advanced methods for creating "choose your own adventure" navigational experiences to build event-based behavioral profiles of your visitors (using GTM and GA); and innovative ways to productize and market the technology you already have, with use cases your customers had never considered.

10:15–10:45 am

Lies, Damned Lies, and Analytics Russ Jones

Search engine optimization is a numbers game. We want some numbers to go up (links, rankings, traffic, and revenue), others to go down (bounce rate, load time, and budget). Underlying all these numbers are assumptions that can mislead, deceive, or downright ruin your campaigns. Russ will help uncover the hidden biases, distortions, and fabrications that underlie many of the metrics we have come to trust implicitly and from the ashes show you how to build metrics that make a difference.

10:45–11:15 am

AM Break

11:25–11:55 am

The Awkward State of Local Mike Ramsey

You know it exists. You know what a citation is, and have a sense for the importance of accurate listings. But with personalization and localization playing an increasing role in every SERP, local can no longer be seen in its own silo — every search and social marketer should be honing their understanding. For that matter, it's also time for local search marketers to broaden the scope of their work.

11:55 am–12:25 pm

The SEO Cyborg: Connecting Search Technology and Its Users Alexis Sanders

SEO requires a delicate balance of working for the humans you're hoping to reach, and the machines that'll help you reach them. To make a difference in today's SERPs, you need to understand the engines, site configurations, and even some machine learning, in addition to the emotional, raw, authentic connections with people and their experiences. In this talk, Alexis will help marketers of all stripes walk that line.

12:25–1:55 pm

Lunch

2:00–2:30 pm

Email Unto Others: The Golden Rules for Human-Centric Email Marketing Justine Jordan

With the arrival of GDPR and the ease with which consumers can unsubscribe and report spam, it's more important than ever to treat people like people instead of just leads. To understand how email marketing is changing and to identify opportunities for brands, Litmus surveyed more than 3,000 marketers worldwide. Justine will cover the biggest trends and challenges facing email today and help you put the human back in marketing’s most personal — and effective — marketing channel.

2:30–3:00 pm

Your Red-Tape Toolkit: How to Win Trust and Get Approval for Search Work Heather Physioc

Are your search recommendations overlooked and misunderstood? Do you feel like you hit roadblocks at every turn? Are you worried that people don't understand the value of your work? Learn how to navigate corporate bureaucracy and cut through red tape to help clients and colleagues understand your search work — and actually get it implemented. From diagnosing client maturity to communicating where search fits into the big picture, these tools will equip you to overcome obstacles to doing your best work.

3:00–3:30 pm

PM Break

3:40–4:10 pm

The Problem with Content & Other Things We Don't Want to Admit Casie Gillette

Everyone thinks they need content but they don't think about why they need it or what they actually need to create. As a result, we are overwhelmed with poor quality content and marketers are struggling to prove the value. In this session, we'll look at some of the key challenges facing marketers and how a data-driven strategy can help us make better decisions.

4:10–4:50 pm

Excel Is for Rookies: Why Every Search Marketer Needs to Get Strong in BI, ASAP Wil Reynolds

The analysts are coming for your job, not AI (at least not yet). Analysts stopped using Excel years ago; they use Tableau, Power BI, Looker! They see more data than you, and that is what is going to make them a threat to your job. They might not know search, but they know data. I'll document my obsession with Power BI and the insights I can glean in seconds which is helping every single client at Seer at the speed of light. Search marketers must run to this opportunity, as analysts miss out on the insights because more often than not they use these tools to report. We use them to find insights.

Wednesday, July 11

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast

9:35–10:15 am

Machine Learning for SEOs Britney Muller

People generally react to machine learning in one of two ways: either with a combination of fascination and terror brought on by the possibilities that lie ahead, or with looks of utter confusion and slight embarrassment at not really knowing much about it. With the advent of RankBrain, not even higher-ups at Google can tell us exactly how some things rank above others, and the impact of machine learning on SEO is only going to increase from here. Fear not: Moz's own senior SEO scientist, Britney Muller, will talk you through what you need to know.

10:15–10:45 am

Shifting Toward Engagement and Reviews Darren Shaw

With search results adding features and functionality all the time, and users increasingly finding what they need without ever leaving the SERP, we need to focus more on the forest and less on the trees. Engagement and behavioral optimization are key. In this talk, Darren will offer new data to show you just how tight the proximity radius around searchers really is, and how reviews can be your key competitive advantage, detailing new strategies and tactics to take your reivews to the next level.

10:45–11:15 am

AM Break

11:25–11:45 am

Location-Free Local SEO Community speaker: Tom Capper

Let's talk about local SEO without physical premises. Not the Google My Business kind — the kind of local SEO that job boards, house listing sites, and national delivery services have to reckon with. Should they have landing pages, for example, for "flower delivery in London?"

This turns out to be a surprisingly nuanced issue: In some industries, businesses are ranking for local terms without a location-specific page, and in others local pages are absolutely essential. I've worked with clients across several industries on why these sorts of problems exist, and how to tackle them. How should you figure out whether you need these pages, how can you scale them and incorporate them in your site architecture, and how many should you have for what location types?

11:45 am–12:05 pm

SEO without Traffic: Community speaker: Hannah Thorpe

Answer boxes, voice search, and a reduction in the number of results displayed sometimes all result in users spending more time in the SERPs and less on our websites. But does that mean we should stop investing in SEO?

This talk will cover what metrics we should now care about, and how strategies need to change, covering everything from measuring more than just traffic and rankings to expanding your keyword research beyond just keyword volumes.

12:05–12:25 pm

Tools Change, People Don't: Empathy-Driven Online Marketing Community speaker: Ashley Greene

When everyone else zags, the winners zig. As winners, while your 101+ competitors are trying to automate 'til the cows come home and split test their way to greatness‚ you're zigging. Whether you're B2B or B2C, you're marketing to humans. Real people. Homo sapiens. But where is the human element in the game plan? Quite simply, it has gone missing, which provides a window of opportunity for the smartest marketers.

In this talk, Ashley will provide a framework of simple user interview and survey techniques to build customer empathy and your "voice of customer" playbook. Using real examples from companies like Slack, Pinterest, Intercom, and Airbnb, this talk will help you uncover your customers' biggest problems and pain points; know what, when, and how your customers research (and Google!) a need you solve; and find new sources of information and influencers so you can unearth distribution channels and partnerships.

12:25–1:55 pm

Lunch

2:00–2:30 pm

You Don't Know SEO Michael King

Or maybe, "SEO you don't know you don't know." We've all heard people throw jargon around in an effort to sound smart when they clearly don't know what it means, and our industry of SEO is no exception. There are aspects of search that are acknowledged as important, but seldom actually understood. Michael will save us from awkward moments, taking complex topics like the esoteric components of information retrieval and log-file analysis, pairing them with a detailed understanding of technical implementation of common SEO recommendations, and transforming them into tools and insights we wish we'd never neglected.

2:30–3:00 pm

What All Marketers Can Do about Site Speed Emily Grossman

At this point, we should all have some idea of how important site speed is to our performance in search. The recently announced "speed update" underscored that fact yet again. It isn't always easy for marketers to know where to start improving their site's speed, though, and a lot of folks mistakenly believe that site speed should only be a developer's problem. Emily will clear that up with an actionable tour of just how much impact our own work can have on getting our sites to load quickly enough for today's standards.

3:00–3:30 pm

PM Break

3:40–4:10 pm

Traffic vs. Signal Dana DiTomaso

With an ever-increasing slate of options in tools like Google Tag Manager and Google Data Studio, marketers of all stripes are falling prey to the habit of "I'll collect this data because maybe I'll need it eventually," when in reality it's creating a lot of noise for zero signal.

We're still approaching our metrics from the organization's perspective, and not from the customer's perspective. Why, for example, are we not reporting on (or even thinking about, really) how quickly a customer can do what they need to do? Why are we still fixated on pageviews? In this talk, Dana will focus our attention on what really matters.

4:10–4:50 pm

Why Nine out of Ten Marketing Launches Suck (And How to Be the One that Doesn't) Rand Fishkin

More than ever before, marketers are launching things — content, tools, resources, products — and being held responsible for how/whether they resonate with customers and earn the amplification required to perform. But this is hard. Really, really hard. Most of the projects that launch, fail. What separates the wheat from the chaff isn't just the quality of what's built, but the process behind it. In this presentation, Rand will present examples of dismal failures and skyrocketing successes, and dive into what separates the two. You'll learn how anyone can make a launch perform better, and benefit from the power of being "new."

7:00–11:30 pm

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[joulethieves]

on my interpretation of balbasch and balvaan and why i sometimes ship one and why i sometimes ship the other [and also because i am obsessed with balvaan and never really talked about why, so here i talk about why!]:

( again this is all my perssssonal interpretation and im not going to tag this post bc it’s not something i’m posting to be like, accepted amongst other shippers, just thought it’d be something to share. also secondly i definitely ship balvaan harder than balbasch so i will obviously have more to say about the former.)

for me whether or not i ship balbasch or balvaan depends 100% on what mood i’m in in terms of interpreting balthier’s character.

you can look at balthier and his persona and read it as a facade, because it is. it’s all pretense. all archadian despite his lack of fealty to any land. all garrulous and haughty and showy. but this isn’t news to you; if you’re reading this you know the balthier we all know.

so why do i balvaan so hard? 

because i love breaking those barriers. i love vaan’s rawness, total lack of restraint, total disregard for filters. i love balthier rattling on about freedom, no cages, no moors, and yet he shields himself in this facade, this facade as hard as an adamantoise shell which he sheds for no one but fran - and then there’s vaan, all street-grit savoir-faire, effortless, unabashedly himself. then yes, there’s vaan, vaan who dares to enter this shell of seclusion balthier locks himself in to pull up a damn chair and sit down and make himself fucking comfortable, and my balthier just lifts his head from his hands and glares, livid and flabbergasted, “how did you get in here? this door is locked, locked, locked” and vaan just smiling that gentle infectious boyish thief-smile and saying, simply, damnably simply, “oh no. a locked door. those are... sooooo hard for me to get into.” 

i love to balvaan because i love to see vaan dismantle all of those complicated gears that make up the locked gate balthier puts around himself, i love seeing this man as something all-show and no-tell until vaan burrows his way in with no one’s fucking permission and it’s infuriating to balthier but he can’t help it, vaan sees right through him. vaan challenges him throughout the entire game, despite the blind trust and admiration vaan has for him, he never shapes himself around the endgoal of i want balthier to like me, so i will act like X so he likes me. y’know--how when you like someone, and you want them to like you, you--you kind of act a certain way. my vaan doesn’t. he’s just vaan. take him or leave him. and balthier takes, it’s what he does, and then he’s like SHIT, DIDN’T MEAN TO TAKE THIS, IT WON’T LEAVE AND IT’S WARM AND GOOD AND SCARY aaaaaa

sooooo that’s why i love to balvaan, bc i love vaan having that sort of way with people. they just. open to him. and balthier needs that, i think, in a way that feels safe with fran -- but fran is no hume, she does not know mortality the way humes do, does not know death and grieving the way humes do, does not have a hume heart or hume life or hume roots. and balthier is himself around her, but with vaan he can be himself around another hume, which he has vowed against doing forever. and it’s warmer, because it’s love, though he’d never say it. and it’s warmer, because it’s vaan, who is terrifyingly accepting of any ugly day balthier has. and it’s warmer, because vaan doesn’t play his games, doesn’t understand them and doesn’t like them, and calls him out on his bullshit, where i think fran spoils balthier and plays along because she loves him in a different way, an unchallenging sort of way. and it’s warmer, because it’s safe. safer, at least. my balthier, like anyone’s, is a flighty fellow.

balbasch is a different game and i’ve certainly read my share, and with balbasch i take balthier and i interpret (cuz i don’t write them) playing UP that facade, as many authors who do it well also do. balbasch is basch seeing balthier with all this pretense, and respecting it, understanding it in a way young vaan can’t. it’s saying, i know why these walls are up, it is not my place to bring them down; i will know the you that you wish for me to know and be grateful enough for that. balbasch is basch playing balthier’s game because he doesn’t want to risk challenging balthier’s performance in case he might truly lose him. balbasch is less challenging for balthier, less infuriating, more (if not solely) on balthier’s watch than basch’s. pirate and judge? bird and cage? angsty and cute, sure. and basch deserves to be spoiled from time to time by a handsome pirate breaking into his chambers for a good snugglefuck and a laugh because balthier is funny and basch deserves to smile. BASICALLY let me just--i don’t write them, so let me just copypasta an excerpt from someone who nailed it on the head what balbasch is to me (and them , and many others judging from their writing):

"Piracy, Captain," he says [...] [...] [...] "Is about doing what you want."

"And what about our shared situation implies I am in any way resistant?" Basch asks, tempering the damage done with care - for all of his conviction of freedom and callous, care-free nature, Balthier was difficult to pin with even the most cunning trap. There were rules with the pirate, rules within rules at times. Basch remembers some, but he had not learned them all when last they kept company - and perhaps he never would.

(you can read this here! it’s really sexy and well-written. this ship has such good writers bc you have to be a super strong one to pick apart these men like this)

^ this non-dialogue bit really nails balbasch on the head for me. it’s so deliciously, beautifully, almost heartbreakingly complicated. it’s a messy tangle of basch, having been used to bending to the wills of people, bending to balthier’s odd shapes he gnarls himself into on any given day. it’s--it’s walking on eggshells and it’s kind of, honestly, a little unpleasant to me. it’s playing up balthier. it’s pandering to his love of performance, it’s adding even more layers to an already complicated man who is only complicated because he makes himself so. quite frankly, balbasch is a lot of work, and it’s exhausting despite the really hot smut that’s there as a given. it’s just - if you love the balthier the game gives you, and not the man beneath it, and you want to play up that complex multifaceted shifty-flightly young man, then balbasch is great. 

for me, it’s all the more rewarding long-term to grind the bones of balthier’s resolve to dust with vaan- vaan, who is nothing more than himself, who challenges silly pretense and bores into the person balthier is underneath. for me, balvaan helps balthier remember that he is human, a person, not a glorified self-assigned role at which everyone smiles and nods. vaan musses the pages of his script about and makes paper airplanes with them and it’s annoying but it helps balthier grow. however, in terms of getting more balthier meta and insight and motive-questioning, and gilding his already garish grandeur further, balbasch is a fun way to do so - a fun vehicle to ask why at balthier but in a different way.

balbasch is challenging in a way that makes balthier even more hard to understand. which can be fun, but sometimes i dislike it because i see balbasch as less of a challenge for balthier. i see less room for growth and more room for just being fed validation for his ridiculousness, and lord is he such a child.

personally i see a man like balthier with all his pretense and roll my eyes. “what’s that all about, anyway?” i ask myself, and so does my vaan-muse, and we work at picking all those locks and then vaan snuggles what he finds.

anyway! no flack to balbasch at all, i hope it didn’t come across that way! i love a balthier spoiling basch and i love basch respecting balthier’s facade and caring for him despite the fact he’s protecting himself. cages cages blah blah. balthier isn’t as free as he says he is. basch isn’t at all. so that can be cute.

end rant, i guess u can reblog if u want, but i didn’t write this to influence anyone! just some thoughts i had after reading that one excerpt i pasted in here that made me go this!! this is balbasch to me and why i do and don’t ship it sometimes.

[bellabooks]

“Pretty Little Liars” recap S7 Ep20: Til death do us part

Pretty Little Readers, this is it. The last PLL recap I will ever write…until the inevitable reboot in 2032 that follows the adventures of teenage twins Lily and Grace DiLaurentis-Fields. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This was a two-hour finale with buckets of exposition, so let’s dive on in! I’m glad this show finally upped their budget and gave Jenna a pony   We open on a deserted Rosewood street, where the Liars are all drinking coffee and bemoaning the drama-less state of their lives. It’s swelteringly hot, but all anyone can talk about is how boring everything is without any mysteries to solve. Oh, and Lucas tap dances by in a white tuxedo. And Jenna rides by in a decorated horse like she’s a circus performer. And then it starts snowing.  Is that snow? NO IT’S COCAINE!!!   The Liars look to the heavens, and the camera zooms out to reveal they were inside a snow globe, which was no joke my fantasy ending for this show. But who is holding the snow globe? Mona Vanderwaal, queen of the heavens, runner of the games, genius among geniuses. She’s locked up in Welby with only her snow globe, which she drops to the floor when she’s confronted by a black hoodie. She asks them if they are there to kill her, and she smiles that Mona smile. Then the opening credits run for the last time, and all the Liars do the “sshhhh” together. TOGETHER!  For real though guys, who is in this coffin?   We then cut to ONE YEAR LATER, and check in on the gang. Ezria is on the Warner Bros. lot (which is incidentally where they shoot the show- so meta!) because their book is being turned into a movie. They are also getting married in a week. Spencer is rescuing horses with Melissa and bonding with her, and Toby returns to town after a long Eat, Pray, Shave tour of the world. Spencer is rehabbing a cute pony named Bashful, who is skittish around everyone but her. Don’t worry, this will come back later in a big bad way. Emily and Ali are juggling twins, Lily and Grace. Also, Ali has the worst bangs and it’s so distracting I had to rewind this scene twice just to focus. Ali meets up with Pam Fields at the Radley, and they have a secret conversation about taking care of/loving Emily. Ali continues teaching English at Rosewood High, where she discusses literary endings (wink wink) with her class. She’s still teaching mini-bitch Addison, who disrupts the class and calls Ali a lesbo. Ali is in no mood, and grabs Addison after class. Addison isn’t scared of her, but she IS scared of Jenna Marshall, who is now a life skills teacher at Rosewood. What life skills is Jenna imparting to these children?! How to seduce men and women alike into doing your bidding? Firecracker dodging? I have so many questions, the first of which is, where do I sign up? Addison tries to sass Jenna by waving her hands in front of her blind face, but Jenna grabs her by the wrist like she’s Dare Devil and tells her that she while she can’t see, she can smell a bitch from a mile away. In a world where teachers can sleep with and marry their students without censure, I guess calling someone a bitch is small potatoes.  BITCH CAN SMELL   Meanwhile, things aren’t sunshine and lollipops with Hanna and Caleb. Mona is being discharged from Welby, and Hanna invited her to stay at the loft without running it by her husband. Caleb is upset that the woman who tried to push his wife out of a bell tower is now their new roommate, but Hanna knows that while husbands come and go, ride or die BFFs are forever. On cue, Mona shows up at their door and Hanna welcomes her. Mona seems fragile and forgetful, and tells them that with her new meds, she isn’t as sharp as she used to be. If this series ends with a neutered and sad Mona I will never forgive Marlene. Why is the wifi password Hanily?!   The Liars and friends meet up at the newly renovated Lost Woods resort, which Spencer and Ali are re-launching. Everyone’s gathered for a surprise bachelor/bachelorette dinner for Aria and Ezra. There is wine and laughter and memories, and everyone is having a good time…except for Haleb, who can’t stop squabbling. Spying on them from the bushes is a black hoodie, who turns around to reveal MELISSA HASTINGS…or is it? Everyone is enjoying drinks by the fire pit, when Emily remembers that this is their first night without the babies and drags Ali to their room for some sexing. Then everyone else pairs off to hook up, except for Toby and Spencer who decide to play scrabble like a couple of nerds. We find out that Spencer is going to law school, working at her mom’s firm, and rebuilding her relationship with her family. Isn’t it nuts that we’re 25 and have two kids?!  Tell it to my bangs: they’re already 45.   While everyone else gets a lengthy sex scene, complete with saxophone music, Emily and Ali press their cheeks together and touch legs because that is how lesbians have sex on Freeform. At least, they are trying to…Ali is feeling all sentimental while Emily is trying to get it on. I feel like this would be a totally adequate sex scene by itself, but pairing it with Ezria’s lengthy romp only highlights the double standard when it comes to queer sex scenes.  Nothing says sex scene like closed mouth kissing!   Despite this disparate treatment, let’s all take a step back and marvel that this series is ending with a happy queer couple, where no one is dead or heartbroken. It’s 2017, but there is still something delightfully revolutionary about the awkward gay jock winning the heart of the most popular girl in school and living happily ever after. It’s kind of lovely until you remember what they did with Maya and Shana and Charlotte. In a less romantic sex scene across town, Hanna and Caleb are still fighting while Hanna sits with her legs up, trying to conceive. Yup, these two dummies are trying to have a baby. And in sadder fertility news, Aria gets a phone call from her doctor and finds out that she can’t have children. Why is everyone so baby crazy on this show?! Y’all are 25, settle down. Aria wants to call off the wedding, but the Liars convince her that Ezra won’t care. She tries to keep it a secret, but ends up telling him the next day, and he responds as he should: that it doesn’t matter, and there’s more than one way to make a family. Melissa watches the Liars comforting Aria from the bushes, and removes her mask to reveal MONA underneath. Dun Dun Dun! I would love it if A.D. turns out to be a Russian nesting doll of masks leading to an empty hoodie. Mona Facetimes with A.D. and demands to know who they are. You know what would really take this party up a notch? Jenna Marshall on a damn horse!   The next night is Aria’s rehearsal dinner, and Hanna brings along Mona, which is rude as hell. You don’t just bring your crazy hyperadrenalized murderer BFF without RSVPing for her first! No one is more shocked than Ashley Marin, who separates from the Wine Moms to give Hanna a talking to about co-dependency and toxic friendships. The Wine Moms keep talking about that time they got locked in a basement, yet another spin-off show that we’ll never get from Marlene.  A toast to the best parent on this show: Chardonnay!   Emily sees Alison sneaking around with Pam and assumes that Ali is hiding something from her. She gives Ali the third degree until she reveals that Pam gave her the family engagement ring—she was planning to propose to Emily somewhere romantic, but instead she’s doing it right this second in her pug dog sweater. Ali thanks Emily for loving her unconditionally, even when she was a zombie bitch who communicated through stolen birds and old witches. Even when she was flying a plane in a Vivian Darkbloom wig. Emily says yes, and they kiss.  If you can love me through these bangs, you can love me no matter what   Meanwhile, Spencer goes back to Toby and they have a lengthy sex scene of their very own. Spencer steps out of the shower and finds Mona in a black hoodie in her room. Mona says “Déjà vu bitch!” and knocks her unconscious. Spencer wakes up in a prison cell, disoriented. She looks in the mirror and checks herself out, until the mirror Spencer starts moving on her own. Holy crap, Twincer is real! And British! Kudos to everyone who predicted this twist, I honestly thought it was going to be someone else. This British twin is Alex Drake, aka A.D. and she’s busted Mary Drake out of jail for a family reunion. Put some pants on, we need to talk about Spencer’s accent: it’s not just British. It’s Eliza Doolittle meets Burt the Chimney Sweep meets Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd. It’s SO over the top and terrible and delightful. Just like this British evil twin conceit: soapy and ridiculous and I am so on board with this nonsense. ‘Ello Guvnah! I’m your twin I is!   In a series of flashbacks, we get the sordid tale of Alex Drake: When Mary was in labor at Radley (in the 1940’s) she gave birth to Spencer, who was quickly whisked away by the Hastings family. So quickly in fact, that no one stuck around for Spencer’s twin sister Alex to be born. To buy her way out of Radley, Mary sells Alex to a fancy British family who raise her across the pond…until they realize that she is the baddest of bad seeds and dump her at an orphanage for evil geniuses. Flash forward, and teenage Alex is pulling pints in a bar where she runs into Wren. Wren can’t believe he’s found a British Spencer, and tells Alex of her true parentage. They fall in love (eww) and Wren arranges a meeting for Alex and Charlotte. Once the half sisters meet, they become thick as thieves, each finding the family they were searching so long for. Charlotte falls in love with Archer, and they proceed to double date their way around Europe. It’s like The Parent Trap, but with more wigs, murder, and asylum stays.  This is my Sarah Manning cosplay…fancy a shag?   But Charlotte can’t handle being away from the game, so she goes back to Rosewood to play with her dolls, where Mona murders her in the bell tower. Consumed by revenge, Alex sets out for Rosewood and picks up the game where Charlotte left off. In her quest to find out who murdered Charlotte, she gets a glimpse into the charmed life of Spencer Hastings, and wonders what could have been if she had that life. You know, that idyllic suburban experience where your father bangs every mom in town, you’re related to all your friends, and you spend your entire adolescence being terrorized by a maniac in athleisure wear. Ah, the stuff that dreams are made of! Alex starts cosplaying as Spencer and pops up in a series of flashbacks: Alex was the one who held Hanna when she was locked in that barn. Alex asked Toby for the goodbye kiss. Alex also banged Toby and fell for him. Soon enough, she decides she wants to be Spencer full-time, so she’s locked Spencer in her new dollhouse and takes over her life. She’s so into mirroring Spencer that she makes Wren shoot her in the shoulder so she has the same scar. She also uses Wren’s sperm to father Emily and Ali’s babies, before killing him and turning him into a diamond necklace. Which she wears around her neck. EVERYWHERE SHE GOES. I mean, it’s no bracelet made of teeth, but it’s still pretty bonkers.   Does this seem like a lot of exposition? Because it’s an insane amount of exposition. Alex isn’t revealed until at least halfway through this 2-hour finale, and she hits the ground running, checking off every unsolved mystery this show ever made up. Bitch can summarize! Alex heads off to Aria’s wedding, where no one notices anything different about her. Aria comes out in her bridal gown, and it is some wacky vintage nonsense that only Aria could cook up. Frankly, I’m surprised it was missing her signature leopard print pattern. It’s the last ever Emily Fields cleavage appreciation post!   Meanwhile, Mary tries to comfort Spencer by making her Peruvian chicken and assuring her that living life in a jail can be fun. Spencer begs Mary to release her, and Mary gives her a hug. Instead of bum rushing her birth mom out the door, Spencer cries in her arms. Once Mary locks the door, we see that Spencer has taken a bobby pin out of her hair. Someone is about to Nancy Drew her way out of this underground prison! Back at Wedding Central, Ezra still hasn’t shown up. Aria is crying Byron is threatening to beat up Ezra, and everyone is confused. Did Ezra have a crisis of conscience and decide not to marry the girl he seduced at 15? Of course not! Alex abducted him and threw him in a jail cell next to Spencer. Does Ezra help Spencer escape? Nope, he just mansplains lock picking to her with a pissy attitude. Back at Radley, the Liars are all sharing a room and consoling Aria. Alex climbs into bed and strokes Aria’s hair, telling her that they’ll be the closest of all. How did she find out about Team Sparia all the way in England?!  Team Sparia for Life   The next day, Alex meets Toby at the stables, where the horse starts freaking out because he knows she’s not Spencer. That, or she’s a vampire. Toby starts putting the pieces together. Later, Jenna meets with Alex and can tell just by smelling her that she’s not Spencer. Finally, Toby takes the book of French love poems Alex gave him, and realizes that it can’t be Spencer’s book because there aren’t any notes in the margins. Toby brings this information to the Liars, and everyone is like, “evil twin? Yup, sounds about right” and they go off in search of the real Spencer.  YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!   Back at the bunker, Spencer picks the lock and frees herself and Ezra. They try to escape from the bunker and run outside of the house…only to realize that they aren’t outside at all. The ceiling is painted to look like the sky, and there is fake grass and everything, but it’s just a dollhouse within a dollhouse. Mona confronts the Liars and tells them that Wren tried to kill her in Welby, but she convinced him she could help bust Mary out of prison. Mona has also tracked Spencer’s coordinates to Toby’s house, because she is in this damn game to win it.  Here I am, explaining this game to you dum-dums one last time!   The Liars bust their way into the bunker, where they stumble onto the classic twin face-off: Spencer and Alex wrestling, and trying to convince the Liars that they’re each the real Spencer Hastings. Oh, and Ezra hits his head on a rock. Toby grabs one of the twins and demands to know what their favorite poem is from the book, and the real Spencer (in classic Spencer fashion) starts reciting it in perfect French. The cops rush in and arrest Alex and Mary, and Spencer is reunited with her friends.  I’m the right real Spencer, you barmy old chaps!   The Ezria wedding gets a do-over, and everything goes smoothly, even Marlene King’s cameo as a photographer who didn’t turn off her cell phone. The Liars walk around the only square in Rosewood, and talk about how much they’ll miss Aria while she’s on her honeymoon. Spencer is back together with Toby, and Hanna reveals that she’s pregnant. They all hug and it’s very sweet.  So long Rosewood…you’re the 6th bitch at this table!   But what of Miss Vanderwaal? We find Mona living in Paris, selling antique dolls and making out with a beefy French dude. She steps into her backroom, where she has dollhouse decorated with two brunette dolls. The camera pulls back and we see Mary and Alex Drake imprisoned in a dollhouse of their very own. Looks like Mona won the game after all.  Praise be to VanderJesus, for ever and ever, amen.   Then the final scene is a rehash of the pilot opening, with Addison’s mean girls at a sleepover (with Maya’s cousin) waking up to find their queen bee missing. Nice try show, but I’m not spending another seven years with this hot nonsense. And that’s it: seven seasons of masks, wigs, doll parts, Grunwalds, and interchangeable white guys. Seven seasons of Shay Mitchell’s shiny pony-like hair and two facial expressions. Seven seasons of that same damn yellow top that Ali wore on the night she died a thousand times. I started this show the way most of us did, by reading Heather Hogan’s recaps and laughing along with the #BooRadleyVanCullen crew. I didn’t know then that I would go on to write recaps for Autostraddle and AfterEllen, nor did I know that AfterEllen would meet a cruel and untimely end. I didn’t know that I would meet my very own Twincer, Dana Piccoli, who would bring me here to the Bella Books blog to complete this ridiculous journey. To everyone who edited my work, gave me encouragement, and provided me with screengrabs (shout out to @PLLBigA) I want to say thank you. Bitch can appreciate! At its best, Pretty Little Liars was campy frothy fun with some serious heart. It gave the queers of the world Emily Fields and Paige McCullers and Alison DiLaurentis. It also gave us Ravenswood, Ezria, and oh so problematic treatment of Charlotte. Most importantly, it gave us an online community, a world of inside jokes and memes that bonded us nerdy, pop culture obsessed queer folks together. Visibility still matters, now more than ever. I will miss recapping this show, but more than that, I will miss the weekly check-in on Twitter, and laughing my face off at all your hilarious comments. I’m taking a break from recapping to work on my own writing, film my web series, learn how to fly a plane, assume an alias, speak to birds, and life-jack my twin. But just like Alison DiLaurentis, I’ll be back. I hope you’ve enjoyed these recaps over the past couple of years: I’ve enjoyed writing them and getting to know all you beautiful weirdos. Ending these recaps is a real mannequin leg to the heart. What else is there to say but…XOXO bitches! http://dlvr.it/PRGG7Q

[irishcoffeeslushie]

Nobuta wo Produce review (excerpts) - I

Disclaimer: I didn’t write this, although I wish I had. Source.

High school.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of teenage angst, it was the season of puppy love; it was the spring of maturity, it was the winter of childhood; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us…

God bless his soul, but Mr. Dickens must be turning in his grave this very minute knowing that his iconic opener from “A Tale of Two Cities” was hijacked by some slush-brained Jdorama fangirl, and then bastardized into a paean to the Universal High School Experience. Even worse, imagine his horror to find this piece to be just a pretext for a long and gushy tribute to a rather unsightly pair of Japanese teen idols — one scrawny and effeminate, the other looking perpetually lobotomized — who, by their performances in the drama that’s about to be dissected, have effectively clinched said fangirl’s undying affections (pure and, uh, otherwise). If our esteemed Victorian novelist only knew that his classic lines would later be co-opted into a rhapsody about a couple of Johnnies fer gawdssakes, he wouldn’t just be turning in his grave by now, but doing freakin’ somersaults while chewing on his elbows or something — or worse, gyrating furiously to the “Seishun Amigo” chorus. (Sacrilege!!! Is nothing sacred now? Not even Dickens???)

I know it may sound funny (and even counterintuitive), but “sacred” is exactly what I hold this drama to be. Admittedly, Nobuta wo Produce hardly looks impressive on the surface, and can be dismissed by the casual observer as just another idoru vehicle set against the disposable backdrop of high school — with the fluff, the stereotypes, the puerile laughs — only to be swallowed in a sea of other mass-produced Jdramas of the same teen-wanking formula… But no. This one is different. Because once in a while we drama fans are gifted with a viewing experience so transcendent in both style and substance, a triumphant synergy of directorial creativity, of writing deep and resonant, and of characters so heartbreakingly authentic.

Nobuta wo Produce is the Jdrama that is closest to my heart, the one that means the most to me out of all that I’ve watched (and re-watched). (And you thought it was something Kimura had starred in? Close, but no ciggy.) Although I cannot speak for all fans of this drama, I know that many, like myself, have come to love its three protagonists — Shuji, Akira, Nobuta — with a fierce allegiance, and can identify with their own feelings of disquiet and trepidation as they stand, inevitably, on the brink of adulthood. This is a deeply personal drama to watch — and that, for me, is what makes it sacred in no small way. Just as we all — whoever and wherever we are — inwardly uphold as sacrosanct the universal themes that this drama explores to rich, rewarding ends: the painful reality of growing up, the strange duality of alienation and friendship, and the “self-revelatory odyssey” of finding yourself as you make your way through life.

Robert Lloyd of the Los Angeles Times had this to say about another seminal teen drama from the other side of the world that remains, in my opinion, the best of its kind to ever be spawned by Hollywood — and also, regrettably, one of the most underrated and short-lived. The title? My So-Called Life (ABC, 1994).

“Every so often in the collaborative art called television a little miracle happens. There is a meeting of minds, a confluence of vision, a gathering of particular talents. The planets align, the cards fall into place, and something is born whose worth is instantly apparent to all involved, not as a generator of revenue — at which it might fail completely — but as an ennobling refraction of some little bit of the Truth, of what it means, or could mean, to be alive. Each department pushes the others a little bit harder; excellence from one corner prompts ambition in another. What might have begun as just the next greenlighted project or available job becomes a sort of holy mission, even if none of the participants would ever dare call it that — this being, after all, only television.”

These words also captured all that I felt about Nobuta wo Produce and had hoped to articulate in my own inadequate way. And the stars did seem to align for myself and this drama: a few minutes into the first episode I knew that something extraordinary was unfolding on my TV screen. There was no way this would turn out to be just another teen drama. Nor did it feel like an “idol drama” in spite of its cast; I saw no idols playacting for the paycheck, but three regular high school kids in a coming-of-age story that was all at once funny, heartfelt and bittersweet. NwP isn’t an outstanding high school drama, but an outstanding drama, period.

Based on the novel by Shiraiwa Gen, the screenplay by Kizara Izumi serves as the backbone of the whole drama… and oh my goodness, how can I NOT gush about THE WRITING — it both warms and pierces the heart. And it’s so… HIGH SCHOOL, y’know? It gets it, as in it really gets what high school is all about, that different planet we’ve ALL been to, where the drama and the heightened emotions and the clique wars and the desire for validation and the puppy love and the tortured ruminations matter more than they ever will by the time we’re these Big Old Boring Grownups. Nobuta wo Produce is about Becoming and Belonging, and about finding fast and true friends who will help you along the way.

Everyone loves Shuji – from his teachers right down to his peers, from his coterie of “bye-byecycle” homeboys to their simpering, magazine-flipping counterparts, from the resident toughies to the nerds and outcasts. And he lives for their acceptance, he craves their admiration, he likes to be liked by everyone… Well, maybe not everyone, because if there is one person he simply cannot stand, the bane of his high school existence, it’s this boy, the Weirdest Human Being Shuji has ever met. There simply is nobody else on earth quite like… Kusano Akira (Yamashita Tomohisa).

If Pinocchio were a special child and had magic mushrooms for breakfast every bleeping day of his life… then add a few more embellishments like the bleached hair and rolled-up shirtsleeves, the baggy pants and wallet chain, the spacey giggling and face-pulling, the repertoire of funny voices and horribly infectious expressions — bakayaro! kon-kon! Shu-uuuji-kun! sukebe! – and a partiality to quoting Nietzsche while incongruously flailing his arms like a gooney bird… voila! Kusano Akira, Resident Freak of 2-B. And the worst thing about this little creep? Is that he seems to harbor an unhealthy liking for… Shuji. (Oh NOES!!!) (Ohhhh YESSS!!!! Hehehe)

So what on earth makes this unlikely twosome team up for a common cause? Shortly after the new girl’s arrival, Shuji and Akira chance upon a particularly nasty case of girl-on-girl bullying coming from inside the ladies’ room. The victim turns out to be that odd little transferee Kotani Nobuko (Horikita Maki). Reluctant to get involved, Shuji stays outside the washroom while Akira goes inside to try and reason with the bullies. With no image to protect, Akira has nothing to lose by sticking up for someone like Nobuta — even if it means getting hosed down himself. For all his flakiness and irrational fears, Akira is no coward.

I like how the writing gives the viewer a comprehensive crash course in product development, brand marketing and image management. I have no background in this field, but still found this stuff incredibly fascinating. And there’s a certain *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* aspect to this drama, given that Shuji and Akira’s marketing strategy parallels how the entertainment industry manufactures, packages and sells celebrities, be they TV/film stars or recording artists or — yes, teen idols. (I really do wonder if Messrs. Kamenashi and Yamashita ever realized how meta the whole “Producing Nobuta” story line was. Did they ever look up from the script during one of the read-throughs and go, “Huh? But this is US!” Heh heh.)

A crucial point for Shuji comes in the Valentine’s Day episode, where he must choose between showering Nobuta with flower petals, or dousing her with cold water. The first option will spell kryptonite for his Cool Guy status, while the second will undoubtedly break Nobuta’s heart. What to do, what to do? As much as I wanted to wring Shuji’s neck for vacillating through most of the episode, you understand how much it means to him to put his popularity on the line.

This episode builds with delicious suspense — will he, or won’t he? — and concludes with a most unexpected twist. Damn, but when Bando (as a last-minute substitution, as per Nobuta’s request) pulls the cord and those petals come raining down on Nobuta, I frickin’ cried my eyes out. What’s more touching is when Nobuta realizes that Shuji, after an agonizing night of soul-searching, had in fact played, and played, and played a random eeny-meeny-miney-mo game until he finally arrived at “flower” instead of “water.” (Awwww, Shu-uuuji-kun!)

97% of the drama’s humor emanates from this singular bundle of goofy laughs. And Akira’s screwiness is surpassed only by how bloody endearing he is. You come to not only tolerate his foibles, but embrace them — because as a viewer you can look past appearances to see his good, stout and true heart. He may be off the wall (actually WAAAY off the wall, lol), but Akira is the Real Deal. He is also the perfect voice for an entire generation of aimless, unmotivated youngsters trying to make sense of, well, everything. “I dunno what youth is all about,” he bleats to Shuji on the rooftop in Episode 1. “I don’t have anything I want to do, and I don’t want to do anything.” (To which Shuji replies: “Isn’t everyone like that?” Hmm, good point, Shuji.)

If Shuji and Nobuta’s personal bugbears are dishonesty and low self-esteem, respectively, for Akira it is growing up. In Episode 6 he promptly leaves home to escape his dad’s mounting insistence that he take over the family-run company someday; and for the boy this is a most horrifying prospect, a life that will not only saddle him with a staggering load of adult responsibilities, but also take him far, far away from what he most holds dear. He tells Shuji before drifting off to sleep (having crashed the Kiritani home after a violent disagreement with his dad) “I don’t wanna go back home. I like that tofu guy and I can drink ‘mame chichi’ and be with Shuji and Nobuta everyday…” (Oh, Akira.)

Akira has the best lines when he’s at his tortured, lovesick worst. When Shuji the Cynic asks him what his immediate plans are — “What are you going to do? Confess to her, and then go to the zoo on a date, or something?” — Akira mulls it over a second, then answers: “What I want to do the most is… MARRY HER!!!….. How embarrassing!” (Then Shuji dryly comments via voice-over, “His reality goes way beyond my imagination.” LMAO!!!! Man I love those boys. *tear*) So, you don’t wish to deny him his petty fits of jealousy, like attempting to throw away Shuji’s short film – with insanely funny repercussions: “Akira DOWN!!!” (Lol!!!) Then, “My heart hurts…” (Awwww…) But he can’t keep his wrongdoing a secret from Shu-uuji-kun, so he confesses right there on the video room floor: “I’m the worst guy. The WORST.” To which Shuji quietly replies, “I’m the worst, too.” (Man I really, really love those boys. *tear*)

Salinger’s angstily f*cked-up hero Holden Caulfield fears becoming one of those adult “phonies” whom he detests so much, and instead envisions himself a catcher standing on the edge of a cliff, intercepting little kids as they come through a field of rye. In Nobuta wo Produce, Shuji, Nobuta and (most of all) Akira grapple with similar feelings as they face the terrifying inevitability of growing up. In this sense, both “Catcher” and NwP run counter to conventional Bildungsroman lines because the characters try to resist this process of maturity. It is only later that they learn to accept, and embrace it as part of life.

NwP is chock-full of these soul-stirring vignettes, and I’d like to include a few here. One unforgettable moment is a shot of Shuji and Akira on their bikes, pausing in the middle of a tree-lined road and turning to watch the adult pedestrians, these working stiffs in suits, hurry past in the other direction. Shuji: “I thought about how we’re gonna become like those boring-looking people someday.”

And this obviously pushes That Button inside Akira, sending him into Spaz Mode: “I don’t wanna be like that! Don’t wanna, don’t wanna, don’t wanna be like that!” (LOL oh Akiraaa)

[tainghekhongdaycomvn]

The MozCon 2018 Final Agenda

The MozCon 2018 Final Agenda

Posted by Trevor-Klein

MozCon 2018 is just around the corner — just over six weeks away — and we're excited to share the final agenda with you today. There are some familiar faces, and some who'll be on the MozCon stage for the first time, with topics ranging from the evolution of searcher intent to the increasing importance of local SEO, and from navigating bureaucracy for buy-in to cutting the noise out of your reporting.

We're also thrilled to announce this year's winning pitches for our six MozCon Community Speaker slots! If you're not familiar, each year we hold several shorter speaking slots, asking you all to submit your best pitches for what you'd like to teach everyone at MozCon. The winners — all members of the Moz Community — are invited to the conference alongside all our other speakers, and are always some of the most impressive folks on the stage. Check out the details of their talks below, and congratulations to this year's roster!

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The Agenda

Monday, July 9

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast and registration

Doors to the conference will open at 8:00 for those looking to avoid registration lines and grab a cup of coffee (or two) before breakfast, which will be available starting at 8:30.

9:30–9:45 am

Welcome to MozCon 2018! Sarah Bird

Moz CEO Sarah Bird will kick things off by sharing everything you need to know about your time at MozCon 2018, including conference logistics and evening events.

She'll also set the tone for the show with an update on the state of the SEO industry, illustrating the fact that there's more opportunity in it now than there's ever been before.

9:50–10:20 am

The Democratization of SEO Jono Alderson

How much time and money we collectively burn by fixing the same kinds of basic, "binary," well-defined things over and over again (e.g., meta tags, 404s, URLs, etc), when we could be teaching others throughout our organizations not to break them in the first place?

As long as we "own" technical SEO, there's no reason (for example) for the average developer to learn it or care — so they keep making the same mistakes. We proclaim that others are doing things wrong, but by doing so we only reinforce the line between our skills and theirs.

We need to start giving away bits of the SEO discipline, and technical SEO is probably the easiest thing for us to stop owning. We need more democratization, education, collaboration, and investment in open source projects so we can fix things once, rather than a million times.

10:20–10:50 am

Mobile-First Indexing or a Whole New Google Cindy Krum

The emergence of voice-search and Google Assistant is forcing Google to change its model in search, to favor their own entity understanding or the world, so that questions and queries can be answered in context. Many marketers are struggling to understand how their website and their job as an SEO or SEM will change, as searches focus more on entity-understanding, context and action-oriented interaction. This shift can either provide massive opportunities, or create massive threats to your company and your job — the main determining factor is how you choose to prepare for the change.

10:50–11:20 am

AM Break

11:30–11:50 am

It Takes a Village: 2x Your Paid Search Revenue by Smashing Silos Community speaker: Amy Hebdon

Your company's unfair advantage to skyrocketing paid search revenue is within your reach, but it's likely outside the control of your paid search team. Good keywords and ads are just a few cogs in the conversion machine. The truth is, the success of the entire channel depends on people who don't touch the campaigns, and may not even know how paid search works. We'll look at how design, analysis, UX, PM and other marketing roles can directly impact paid search performance, including the most common issues that arise, and how to immediately fix them to improve ROI and revenue growth.

11:50 am–12:10 pm

The #1 and Only Reason Your SEO Clients Keep Firing You Community speaker: Meredith Oliver

You have a kick-ass keyword strategy. Seriously, it could launch a NASA rocket; it's that good. You have the best 1099 local and international talent on your SEO team that working from home and an unlimited amount of free beard wax can buy. You have a super-cool animal inspired company name like Sloth or Chinchilla that no one understands, but the logo is AMAZING. You have all of this, yet, your client turnover rate is higher than Snoop Dogg's audience on an HBO comedy special. Why? You don't talk to your clients. As in really communicate, teach them what you know, help them get it, really get it, talk to them. How do I know? I was you. In my agency's first five years we churned and burned through clients faster than Kim Kardashian could take selfies. My mastermind group suggested we *proactively* set up and insist upon a monthly review meeting with every single client. It was a game-changer, and we immediately adopted the practice. Ten years later we have a 90% client retention rate and more than 30 SEO clients on retainer.

12:10–12:30 pm

Why "Blog" Is a Misnomer for Our 2018 Content Strategy Community speaker: Taylor Coil

At the end of 2017, we totally redesigned our company's blog. Why? Because it's not really a blog anymore - it's an evergreen collection of traffic and revenue-generating resources. The former design catered to a time-oriented strategy surfacing consistently new posts with short half-lives. That made sense when we started our blog in 2014. Today? Not so much. In her talk, Taylor will detail how to make the perspective shift from "blog" to "collection of resources," why that shift is relevant in 2018's content landscape, and what changes you can make to your blog's homepage, nav, and taxonomy that reflect this new perspective.

12:30–2:00 pm

Lunch

2:05–2:35 pm

Near Me or Far: How Google May Be Deciding Your Local Intent For You Rob Bucci

In August 2017, Google stated that local searches without the "near me" modifier had grown by 150% and that searchers were beginning to drop geo-modifiers — like zip code and neighborhood — from local queries altogether. But does Google still know what searchers are after?

For example: the query [best breakfast places] suggests that quality takes top priority; [breakfast places near me] indicates that close proximity is essential; and [breakfast places in Seattle] seems to cast a city-wide net; while [breakfast places] is largely ambiguous.

By comparing non-geo-modified keywords against those modified with the prepositional phrases "near me" and "in [city name]" and qualifiers like "best," we hope to understand how Google interprets different levels of local intent and uncover patterns in the types of SERPs produced.

With a better understanding of how local SERPs behave, SEOs can refine keyword lists, tailor content, and build targeted campaigns accordingly.

2:35–3:05 pm

None of Us Is as Smart as All of Us Lisa Myers

Success in SEO, or in any discipline, is frequently reliant on people's ability to work together. Lisa Myers started Verve Search in 2009, and from the very beginning was convinced of the importance of building a diverse team, then developing and empowering them to find their own solutions.

In this session she'll share her experiences and offer actionable advice on how to attract, develop, and retain the right people in order to build a truly world-class team.

3:05–3:35 pm

PM Break

3:45–4:15 pm

Search-Driven Content Strategy Stephanie Briggs

Google's improvements in understanding language and search intent have changed how and why content ranks. As a result, many SEOs are chasing rankings that Google has already decided are hopeless. Stephanie will cover how this should impact the way you write and optimize content for search, and will help you identify the right content opportunities. She'll teach you how to persuade organizations to invest in content, and will share examples of strategies and tactics she has used to grow content programs by millions of visits.

4:15–4:55 pm

Ranking Is a Promise: Can You Deliver? Dr. Pete Meyers

In our rush to rank, we put ourselves first, neglecting what searchers (and our future customers) want. Google wants to reward sites that deliver on searcher intent, and SERP features are a window into that intent. Find out how to map keywords to intent, understand how intent informs the buyer funnel, and deliver on the promise of ranking to drive results that attract clicks and customers.

7:00–10:00 pm

Kickoff Party

Networking the Mozzy way! Join us for an evening of fun on the first night of the conference (stay tuned for all the details!).

Tuesday, July 10

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast

9:35–10:15 am

Content Marketing Is Broken and Only Your M.O.M. Can Save You Oli Gardner

Traditional content marketing focuses on educational value at the expense of product value, which is a broken and outdated way of thinking. We all need to sell a product, and our visitors all need a product to improve their lives, but we're so afraid of being seen as salesy that somehow we got lost, and we forgot why our content even exists. We need our M.O.M.s! No, not your actual mother. Your Marketing Optimization Map — your guide to exploring the nuances of optimized content marketing through a product-focused lens.

In this session you'll learn data and lessons from Oli's biggest ever content marketing experiment, and how those lessons have changed his approach to content; a context-to-content-to-conversion strategy for big content that converts; advanced methods for creating "choose your own adventure" navigational experiences to build event-based behavioral profiles of your visitors (using GTM and GA); and innovative ways to productize and market the technology you already have, with use cases your customers had never considered.

10:15–10:45 am

Lies, Damned Lies, and Analytics Russ Jones

Search engine optimization is a numbers game. We want some numbers to go up (links, rankings, traffic, and revenue), others to go down (bounce rate, load time, and budget). Underlying all these numbers are assumptions that can mislead, deceive, or downright ruin your campaigns. Russ will help uncover the hidden biases, distortions, and fabrications that underlie many of the metrics we have come to trust implicitly and from the ashes show you how to build metrics that make a difference.

10:45–11:15 am

AM Break

11:25–11:55 am

The Awkward State of Local Mike Ramsey

You know it exists. You know what a citation is, and have a sense for the importance of accurate listings. But with personalization and localization playing an increasing role in every SERP, local can no longer be seen in its own silo — every search and social marketer should be honing their understanding. For that matter, it's also time for local search marketers to broaden the scope of their work.

11:55 am–12:25 pm

The SEO Cyborg: Connecting Search Technology and Its Users Alexis Sanders

SEO requires a delicate balance of working for the humans you're hoping to reach, and the machines that'll help you reach them. To make a difference in today's SERPs, you need to understand the engines, site configurations, and even some machine learning, in addition to the emotional, raw, authentic connections with people and their experiences. In this talk, Alexis will help marketers of all stripes walk that line.

12:25–1:55 pm

Lunch

2:00–2:30 pm

Email Unto Others: The Golden Rules for Human-Centric Email Marketing Justine Jordan

With the arrival of GDPR and the ease with which consumers can unsubscribe and report spam, it's more important than ever to treat people like people instead of just leads. To understand how email marketing is changing and to identify opportunities for brands, Litmus surveyed more than 3,000 marketers worldwide. Justine will cover the biggest trends and challenges facing email today and help you put the human back in marketing’s most personal — and effective — marketing channel.

2:30–3:00 pm

Your Red-Tape Toolkit: How to Win Trust and Get Approval for Search Work Heather Physioc

Are your search recommendations overlooked and misunderstood? Do you feel like you hit roadblocks at every turn? Are you worried that people don't understand the value of your work? Learn how to navigate corporate bureaucracy and cut through red tape to help clients and colleagues understand your search work — and actually get it implemented. From diagnosing client maturity to communicating where search fits into the big picture, these tools will equip you to overcome obstacles to doing your best work.

3:00–3:30 pm

PM Break

3:40–4:10 pm

The Problem with Content & Other Things We Don't Want to Admit Casie Gillette

Everyone thinks they need content but they don't think about why they need it or what they actually need to create. As a result, we are overwhelmed with poor quality content and marketers are struggling to prove the value. In this session, we'll look at some of the key challenges facing marketers and how a data-driven strategy can help us make better decisions.

4:10–4:50 pm

Excel Is for Rookies: Why Every Search Marketer Needs to Get Strong in BI, ASAP Wil Reynolds

The analysts are coming for your job, not AI (at least not yet). Analysts stopped using Excel years ago; they use Tableau, Power BI, Looker! They see more data than you, and that is what is going to make them a threat to your job. They might not know search, but they know data. I'll document my obsession with Power BI and the insights I can glean in seconds which is helping every single client at Seer at the speed of light. Search marketers must run to this opportunity, as analysts miss out on the insights because more often than not they use these tools to report. We use them to find insights.

Wednesday, July 11

8:30–9:30 am

Breakfast

9:35–10:15 am

Machine Learning for SEOs Britney Muller

People generally react to machine learning in one of two ways: either with a combination of fascination and terror brought on by the possibilities that lie ahead, or with looks of utter confusion and slight embarrassment at not really knowing much about it. With the advent of RankBrain, not even higher-ups at Google can tell us exactly how some things rank above others, and the impact of machine learning on SEO is only going to increase from here. Fear not: Moz's own senior SEO scientist, Britney Muller, will talk you through what you need to know.

10:15–10:45 am

Shifting Toward Engagement and Reviews Darren Shaw

With search results adding features and functionality all the time, and users increasingly finding what they need without ever leaving the SERP, we need to focus more on the forest and less on the trees. Engagement and behavioral optimization are key. In this talk, Darren will offer new data to show you just how tight the proximity radius around searchers really is, and how reviews can be your key competitive advantage, detailing new strategies and tactics to take your reivews to the next level.

10:45–11:15 am

AM Break

11:25–11:45 am

Location-Free Local SEO Community speaker: Tom Capper

Let's talk about local SEO without physical premises. Not the Google My Business kind — the kind of local SEO that job boards, house listing sites, and national delivery services have to reckon with. Should they have landing pages, for example, for "flower delivery in London?"

This turns out to be a surprisingly nuanced issue: In some industries, businesses are ranking for local terms without a location-specific page, and in others local pages are absolutely essential. I've worked with clients across several industries on why these sorts of problems exist, and how to tackle them. How should you figure out whether you need these pages, how can you scale them and incorporate them in your site architecture, and how many should you have for what location types?

11:45 am–12:05 pm

SEO without Traffic: Community speaker: Hannah Thorpe

Answer boxes, voice search, and a reduction in the number of results displayed sometimes all result in users spending more time in the SERPs and less on our websites. But does that mean we should stop investing in SEO?

This talk will cover what metrics we should now care about, and how strategies need to change, covering everything from measuring more than just traffic and rankings to expanding your keyword research beyond just keyword volumes.

12:05–12:25 pm

Tools Change, People Don't: Empathy-Driven Online Marketing Community speaker: Ashley Greene

When everyone else zags, the winners zig. As winners, while your 101+ competitors are trying to automate 'til the cows come home and split test their way to greatness‚ you're zigging. Whether you're B2B or B2C, you're marketing to humans. Real people. Homo sapiens. But where is the human element in the game plan? Quite simply, it has gone missing, which provides a window of opportunity for the smartest marketers.

In this talk, Ashley will provide a framework of simple user interview and survey techniques to build customer empathy and your "voice of customer" playbook. Using real examples from companies like Slack, Pinterest, Intercom, and Airbnb, this talk will help you uncover your customers' biggest problems and pain points; know what, when, and how your customers research (and Google!) a need you solve; and find new sources of information and influencers so you can unearth distribution channels and partnerships.

12:25–1:55 pm

Lunch

2:00–2:30 pm

You Don't Know SEO Michael King

Or maybe, "SEO you don't know you don't know." We've all heard people throw jargon around in an effort to sound smart when they clearly don't know what it means, and our industry of SEO is no exception. There are aspects of search that are acknowledged as important, but seldom actually understood. Michael will save us from awkward moments, taking complex topics like the esoteric components of information retrieval and log-file analysis, pairing them with a detailed understanding of technical implementation of common SEO recommendations, and transforming them into tools and insights we wish we'd never neglected.

2:30–3:00 pm

What All Marketers Can Do about Site Speed Emily Grossman

At this point, we should all have some idea of how important site speed is to our performance in search. The recently announced "speed update" underscored that fact yet again. It isn't always easy for marketers to know where to start improving their site's speed, though, and a lot of folks mistakenly believe that site speed should only be a developer's problem. Emily will clear that up with an actionable tour of just how much impact our own work can have on getting our sites to load quickly enough for today's standards.

3:00–3:30 pm

PM Break

3:40–4:10 pm

Traffic vs. Signal Dana DiTomaso

With an ever-increasing slate of options in tools like Google Tag Manager and Google Data Studio, marketers of all stripes are falling prey to the habit of "I'll collect this data because maybe I'll need it eventually," when in reality it's creating a lot of noise for zero signal.

We're still approaching our metrics from the organization's perspective, and not from the customer's perspective. Why, for example, are we not reporting on (or even thinking about, really) how quickly a customer can do what they need to do? Why are we still fixated on pageviews? In this talk, Dana will focus our attention on what really matters.

4:10–4:50 pm

Why Nine out of Ten Marketing Launches Suck (And How to Be the One that Doesn't) Rand Fishkin

More than ever before, marketers are launching things — content, tools, resources, products — and being held responsible for how/whether they resonate with customers and earn the amplification required to perform. But this is hard. Really, really hard. Most of the projects that launch, fail. What separates the wheat from the chaff isn't just the quality of what's built, but the process behind it. In this presentation, Rand will present examples of dismal failures and skyrocketing successes, and dive into what separates the two. You'll learn how anyone can make a launch perform better, and benefit from the power of being "new."

7:00–11:30 pm

MozCon Bash

Join us at Garage Billiards to wrap up the conference with an evening of networking, billiards, bowling, and karaoke with MozCon friends new and old. Don't forget to bring your MozCon badge and US ID or passport.

Grab your ticket today!

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