#daniel's free!!!!!!!!! worst experience of my fucking life

[yesloulou]

the last unboxed!!!!!

[runningwithfangs]

Vampire Chronicles Book Review/Rant #4

The Tale of the Body Thief

Things take a turn once again! We got into silly Lestat adventures, met new vampires, the world was a bit changed after Akasha’s murder spree, the vamps who are left have to stick together now so we must get another chapter of this new coven right? WRONG.

Anne said it’s time for The Most Special Boy to have a turn in the spotlight again! 

I mean, it was still fun and I liked it overall, don’t get me wrong, but I think this is where The Vampire Chronicles start to get unhinged. It was a bit like watching a slow train crash, you know The Body Thief is lying, everyone warns Lestat not to do it, you know everything is going to go wrong, and you watch Lestat do it anyway. 

Overall I liked David and Lestat’s relationship, learning about David’s life and how he was unsatisfied that after devoting his life to studying mysteries he didn’t feel like he gained any more purpose or understanding in life. I didn’t get much out of Lestat’s hallucinations/memories of Claudia however. 

It was interesting how every vampire, even Louis, turns on Lestat in the human body, we know Marius lets him get away with everything, Louis will always be loyal despite himself, and the other vampires all love him, but once he’s renounced vampirism he’s dead to them all, even though Lestat could be turned again! Sure, Louis won’t do it, but I thought someone would offer! So it’s very convenient Lestat has made one human friend to save his ass.

Favorites:

Lestat laying naked face down ass up on David’s rug for days 😂

Lestat immediately screws up having a body, he’s getting knocked out, he’s pratfalling, he’s injuring himself, getting himself horribly sick. Hilarious! I did get worried when he almost died at the hospital though.

Lestat and other vampires are always describing Louis as “the most human” at best, and like a sickly, weak piece of shit vampire that can’t begin to keep up with the rest at worst. But when Lestat as a human visits him, he’s immediately like, oh shit why did I ever think that?! Louis is so obviously not a human! 

Mojo 💗

Least Favorites:

Anne didn’t let Lestat fuck that old man!! (Link fanfics if you got them 😛)

It’s not an immediate dislike, but disappointment? David, an old white man, takes over the already stolen body of a brown man. The death of this mechanic is not David’s fault, his taking over was the only way to save his own life. However, the old white man becomes a young hot brown man. . . it’s giving Get Out 😣 

There is a missed opportunity in not having David experience not being white in the world, giving that old man a moment to reflect on his past privilege and to grow as a person in the few months before he’s turned. Idk, it’s not that big of a deal but I would have liked to see it. 

And where’s @noncontextlestat at with the list of his crimes? Pretty sure they got SA on there already. 

Smutt:

Lestat gets to fuck a nun, a nun who just happens to be on nun sabbatical where she’s free to sin a little, as a treat. Wowowowow.

Nonsense Meter:

Automatic 9/10 nonsense, I think the reasons are clear.

Gross limp human dick < vampire permaboner. ANNE!!

Misc:

Ok, I must have been reading wrong because it wasn’t until this book that I realized Anne Rice vampires don’t have sex. I thought the sex was implied this whole time 😂

Hear me out, when Daniel and Armand are snuggling in bed and then showering, I’m not supposed to think sex happened at some point? Lestat and Akasha rolling around in bed in some Greek Villa, I’m not supposed to think sex happened?! 

When Claudia asks Louis what sex was like before, I thought she meant it like, “before you and my other dad started hating each other” and not “when you were human because you don’t do that as a vampire.” I’m not crazy, right? 

Chapter 7 (Lestat talking to Louis): “You described my weeping in your miserable memoir in a scene which we both know did not take place!” WHAT SCENE?!

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

As promised, I'm pestering you with my brain mush. Humour me, please. Maybe I'll have to split into 2 asks, sorry.

That whole exchange between Ramon and Eddie hit very hard, and I don't think I'm really ready to compare notes with my own experience, even if it'd help. I'm just saying that for all we have witnessed until 5x17, it's not Ramon who has pressured and hurt Eddie so much, but Helena. Except that Eddie, with Buck, pointedly blames only his father for being the fucked up one, not Helena or the combination. Just Ramon. It's not that he has this good of a relationship with his mother, either, or that Abuela and Pepa have, for what I've seen in 5x17....It's almost as if the three of them teamed together to mock her. It was weird, and awkward.

Helena and the cooking was another weird bit: if that need for control was put there, I don't think it was only for comedic relief. Everything means something, like Rowena would say...Ramon wanted caterers,but Helena only allowed them to reheat things. She needed to be in control.

Which I'd say, it's another freaking trait of Eddie 1.0 personality, the one that always needs to be in control for Christopher. Can we think for a moment that Ramon was probably around just some days a month? And that it was Helena's constant presence to influence Eddie? We know for a fact that both Pepa and Abuela have a splendid rapport with Eddie...and how could've Isabel managed to fuck Ramon up if she is such a good-hearted woman?! We don't know about her husband, but if he had been so much of a trouble, probably something would've slipped. Finally, we know that Isabel is back in El Paso. Why? For his son?

Let's go back to The Real Fucked Up Family Blueprint™, aka The Buckleys. As I have already written, it always stayed with me the feeling that everything, every fucked up decision was stemming from Margaret, not Philip. Margaret didn't go to hospitals, Margaret didn't want to keep Daniel's stuff, Margaret was the first to yell and the one to never try to reach back, Margaret was the one to cut Maddie out to teach her a lesson, and the worst words come out from Margaret's mouth. Philip sort of....goes with it? He kept Daniel's bike, for fuck's sake! How much was he convinced of this whole charade, and how much he was simply going along with his wife's demands? How much was his mind, and how much was he the "do what your mother told you" kind of father?

What if Eddie was throwing punches at himself? What if that rage was his own punishment? He was trying "not to be like Ramon", and he was always angry. I would think more logical that he was trying to be like Ramon, and that was the reason to set off his rage. But he was trying his whole life, I suppose after Shannon's pregnancy, when he stepped from the role of son into the role of father, not to be like Ramon. And this thing enraged and hurt him more, punishing himself, not Ramon.

What I am wondering now is: was really Ramon the real shadow looming over Eddie's unhappiness and repression, or was it his mother? How much is Ramon really a free agent, and how much he simply obeys Helena? How much of Helena's sternness and harshness towards Shannon reflected some kind of not-accepting behavior from her husband's family? Some fucked up wall she probably repeated onto Shannon, maybe unconsciously? How much her need to be in control of everything reflects the fact that she run a household alone, with three kids, no husband, and a mother-in-law who probably didn't like her? Just wondering. I have no answers, I admit.

Finally. That"I was punishing myself more" kinda shocked me. How could a young, angry Eddie, be punishing himself by being angry at his father? We are not talking about repression, about putting on the facade his father was asking him. That was hurting himself. We are talking about RAGE. It was the rage the punishment for Eddie. Which got me thinking about the Fight Club...the whole "maybe you were throwing punches at the wrong guy" talk. How Buck made it all about himself, but Buck is an unreliable narrator because he does blames himself for everything.

I think it's definitely more complicated than we witnessed, and that they left us out of some important missing piece.

Edit: OMG my drafts and asks are back! Finally! So sorry for the delay!!!

Hey @trickster-archangel! No worries at all, send me as many asks as you would like. =)

Ooh yeah, this was definitely an interesting development for Eddie to watch this episode. I'll be honest with you, I'm very Anti-Diaz parents myself and Anti-Buckleys, and I tend to view the interactions with Eddie and Maddie and Buck respectively through my own lens based on my own experiences. So for the relationship between Ramon and Eddie to shift in this seismic way, well, honestly it felt off to me a little. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm happy for Eddie but at the same time, it just felt like Ramon was let off of the hook a bit too easily. Especially since they put the obvious parallels between them in their story lines this season, in order to justify Eddie finally burying that hatchet because he can now identify with Ramon while also being true to who he is and putting himself first.

And if that felt out of sorts, the whole ignoring of Helena being an issue was baffling. I get that they wanted Eddie and Ramon to reconcile, but to me, you don't say things to your son like "Don't drag him down with you" and attempt to guilt and manipulate him into giving you your grandson and the next time you see each other, it's all sunshine and rainbows. I think you're very spot on with the observations you made regarding her and her need for control.

I remember when watching 3x15 and 2x18, thinking 'man, Ramon is like the enforcer but it's at Helena's prodding.' I mean, even in 2x18, you can see how Ramon seems to go on Helena's cue, when she brings up Christopher now that Shannon is gone. Ramon stops and apologizes (after he makes the comment about Shannon) when she gives him a look. The whole thing read as one big pile of manipulation to me, one that had been pre-planned. And I think the show absolutely meant to show us that because they kept those shots in to show us how Helena and Ramon exchanged looks throughout.

(I seriously love that actress that plays Helena btw, she does an incredible job)

And this scene is purely Helena:

I think it all comes down to what you suggested. And I'm going to take that and run with it if you don't mind: Eddie has more anger towards his father because Ramon was never around, because Ramon put too much on his shoulders, because the responsibility was put on him at such a young age. And no matter what he does, it's never good enough for Ramon. Which is an interesting contrast if you compare it to Shannon. As Ramon says so inappropriately at 2x18, she ran out on Christopher. So you would think that Eddie would have some major anger towards her as well. He does but we also see him attempting to have empathy and to understand her side of things, not only because he loved her but also because he had run too, in the beginning after Christopher was born, re-upping without telling her. As far as we know, Helena didn't leave in any way, shape, or form, and now that we know that story about what happened when she went into labor with Adriana, it's obvious that Eddie took the responsibility very seriously like Ramon intended him to, but it's also due to Helena. Did she tell him to go get the car? No. But why didn't she have an option in place? For someone to be called in Ramon's stead to help her not only get to the hospital but to make sure Eddie was looked after? (and Sophia if she was born then, idr the sequence of the sisters tbh) I'm not saying everyone has this plan in place before labor occurs but why did she say "of course, I thought he was going to call someone to drive us to the hospital"? It wasn't his responsibility. It was hers. She was the only parent (and adult) present. This wasn't her first rodeo when her water broke. Yes, Eddie might have reacted too fast for her to stop him but by that line of dialogue, it's clear she also put that responsibility on him, too.

That whole scene just makes me sick to my stomach to be honest. "Ramon's prized pickup" and she keeps looking to Ramon as she tells the story. Only the end "he was trying to drive me to the hospital" with her semi-proud expression redeems her in this exchange. But sure enough, when Eddie starts to react, "it's just a story". Helena is an absolute moving part to this whole situation. While the show may have moved her responsibility to the side in favor of Eddie coming to terms with Ramon, there is absolutely zero possibility that Eddie wasn't parentified (and I would even argue spousified) by her as well when Ramon wasn't around. And it doesn't negate her manipulation tactics in 2x18 and 3x15. She absolutely led the charge in both of those scenes, Ramon was like her pitbull, there to back her up and attack when needed. So I think it's interesting that the show chose to change up the dynamics here slightly.

But it does make me wonder if like Shannon, Eddie is willing to forgive Helena because they were in it together so to speak. And because Ramon was the one that left and stayed away. No matter the reason he was doing it, he wasn't around. And when he did come back, he was the enforcer again ("you grounded me actually"). Annnnd I do wonder if the show chose to focus on Ramon because of the fact that when we get Eddie's back story in 3x15, he is doing exactly as Ramon had done. He joined the military to provide for his family, he had accidentally gotten Shannon pregnant and needed to provide. So he did what he viewed as the right thing, he married her and joined the army. The same reasons Ramon was away on business so much. Helena had Eddie and then Adriana (and Sophia wherever she comes in) so he had to continue to provide. And since this season is about Eddie and him choosing what he wants for himself, to follow his own heart (btw I read this INCREDIBLE post by someone on this site stating this is why Christopher hasn't been too present this back half of the season, even this episode, if I find it again I have to reblog it, it's so good), I think that's why they chose to hone in on Ramon in last week's episode. That's why they gave Ramon and Eddie the parallels they did: the fake heart attack, the feeling useless when their professional lives have changed, etc. Because they were completely overhauling who Eddie was from the beginning of his story (even though we don't see this side of him until 3x15). I think they wanted to show the progress he's made and how far he has actually come from who Ramon is. Even though we saw he was nothing like Ramon by the time we meet him in the show and we learn about Christopher, Eddie had to realize it himself. Which brings us back to the point you made about Eddie being angry with himself.

I think you are right on the money when it comes to Eddie having so much anger and like you said throwing punches at himself. Because he was basically fighting a shadow, Ramon's shadow, and he sort of got away from it by moving out of Texas buttttt he didn't 100% because he was always seeing that shadow when he looked in the mirror. And I think you're right, there's still an important missing piece. Plus, last we saw, Ramon and Helena still weren't satisfied that Christopher was with Eddie (2x18) so suddenly they are cool with it? After doing everything they can to manipulate Eddie to get him to give Christopher to them and/or move back home? I get that they kept Christopher out of this episode because it was about Eddie and his arc, but it's weird they resolved things with Eddie and Ramon like this without having that brought back up again. Because that's definitely part of the shadow (Ramon's part anyway) and what Eddie has been working against this whole time, who he is as a father vs Ramon and if it's enough (or right) for Christopher. So things can't really be 100% resolved between Eddie and Ramon (and especially Eddie and Helena) until the Christopher issue is resolved. So, I do think they will need to circle back at some point for that for it to be more fully rounded if that makes sense.

And that whole "I was punishing myself more" line shocked me, too. Though, I kind of get what he's saying, but still how unfair to himself. Like you mentioned, how much of that shadow looming over him is Ramon vs Helena? Either way, it's their shadow, Eddie didn't ask for it. So, I was taken aback with that one, too.

Sorry, I hope this all kind of makes sense. Due to the Tumblr issue, I was kind of all over the place. Thank you for the ask and for your patience! I hope you have a great rest of your night!!! <3

[ghostiiiee]

Just Like Me

To read at my Ao3 CLICK HERE This is the first chapter. sorry is its a little rough. :sweatdrop:

Almost forgot! Tw: i will be going heavy on quirkless discrimination and mental health issues. Theres not much in the first chapter but i do want to touch on it at some point.

School was never something he looked forward to. After all, what was there to look forward to? He was used to getting bullied, made fun of for being different, called names, shoved around. The irony wasn’t lost on him. Many years ago, maybe he would have been the normal one? 

Then again, what even was normal?

It used to be normal to go to school- learn history, math, science and whatever language the school taught. 

It used to be normal to not have any powers, after all -  superheroes were a dream. Stories people made up to tell themselves. Heroes existed, yes, but they never had powers. Heroes were just people, average people. 

Again, there's another word that's changed. Average. 

Normal. Average. 

Two hundred years ago, it was normal for the average person to look human.

Two hundred years ago, it was normal  for the average person to have no powers.

Two hundred years ago, it was normal for superheroes to only be a thing of stories.

That was two hundred years ago. Not now.

Now it's weird to not have powers.

Now you get bullied for being regular. Quirkless.

One of 20%. 

Mathematically, he thought it was stupid that so many people get treated so differently. He did remember Mr. Lancer telling him of people getting treated for less. Mr. Lancer told him two hundred years ago, 10% of the population was seen as satanic because of what hand they used to write with. A similar estimated percent was discriminated against because of who they loved, or what they identified as. 

“Sadly, Mr. Fenton, the human race has a history of not tolerating those who they see as a minority.”

“I remember that from history Mr. Lancer.” Danny sighed, leaning his head on his hand. His eyes stared out the window, looking at the stormy weather. “I remember you talking about how things used to be.”

The teacher pursed his lips, staying quiet and looking at him with concern.

Lancer had asked Danny to stay after class to speak to him. He never did like how Daniel’s peers would gang up on him after school ended. The best he could usually do was this. Casper’s principal was... far too likely to be accepting of anything the more wealthy students’ parents had to say.

“Is that why you’ve been spacing out all day then, Danny?” 

It was asked gently. Danny’s eyes glanced over to the balding teacher before darting back to the window. He hummed for a moment. “...Kinda. I got a lot on my mind.”

“Penny for your thoughts then?” Lancer pulled his chair next to his desk.

It was quiet for a few minutes, the sound of rain gently pattering against the classroom windows filled the room while Danny collected his thoughts. Blue eyes watched raindrops roll down the glass.

“I don’t get it, Mr. Lancer.” His voice was quiet as the floodgates opened. “Everyone in my family has quirks. Dad is strong. My mom can copy anyone’s fighting styles just by watching. Jazz can look at someone and-.... well you know.” He sank down into his chair. “Aunty A, even has a quirk. I've never seen her miss a shot. And then there's me. Daniel James Fenton. The first quirkless person in our family in a long time. Don’t get me wrong either, it doesn’t bother me too much.” Liar. “It’s just... it feels like the cherry on top of everything else.

“My parents got an invitation to teach some classes at UA in Japan. In Japan, I've never lived anywhere but here. Amity Park. It’s not like they can leave me here. PLUS, Jazz has always wanted to go there for the General studies.”

“I understand your concern, Danny. But I’ve seen your work,” There was slight amusement in Mr. Lancers voice. “Aren’t you good at building things? I know I’ve caught you tinkering with something more than once in class.”

Danny’s face flushed red. “...My parent’s usually make those. They’re old models of support gear they have made. I was seeing if I could get a glitch out.”

“And?”

“...I keep shocking myself.” He mumbled. “It hurts like hell.”

“While I can’t say I’m happy that you are getting injured. As long as you are safe, I'm glad.” Mr. Lancer offered a smile to the teen. “As for the other predicament, you are always open to contact me if you need me after you move.”

“Thank you Mr. Lancer.”

~~~~~~~

Danny was thankful that they moved over the summer and not in the middle of the year. School was already hectic enough as was. Moving in the middle of the year was not something he ever wanted to do, let alone moving across the globe in the middle of the year.

He kept to himself for the first few weeks. He liked to walk around, exploring the new area. It felt different than Amity park. More crowded. He noted early on there was definitely more hero around too. It didn’t bother him too much.

That's a lie.

More heroes means more villains.

He didn’t like villains.

He also didn’t like being a hostage.

Lucky him!

He was held hostage by a villain not even before the end of the second week. Not that this was a first time experience for him, having been a favorite target back in Amity Park. He knew all the heroes back home personally because of it. People just loved to take quirkless people hostage. One would think, with the target that seems to hang over his head, that Daniel James Fenton wouldn’t take such risks as walking around alone at night. One would think that if he did, it would be out of necessity, and he would at least have something on him to defend himself.

...yeah no that's not the case. Why in the world would that be the case?

Danny was shoved onto the ground, air leaving his lungs as he hit. He gasped for air, trying to look at who was targeting him now. He couldn’t really tell much about the person, ratty clothes and a hoodie pulled up to cover their face. Nothing could be seen under the hood, it was just shadow, pure, black shadow.

“What’s a runt like you doing out right now?” The villain crouched next to Danny. Chuckling when he tried to scoot away. They put a foot on one of Danny’s wrists, “Ah-ah. Now that’s rude. I’m talking to you punk.”

Danny didn’t respond, wincing at the pressure on his arm. 

“It’s rather rude to ignore your elders.” The villain put more pressure, adjusting so they were crouched like a vulture next to prey.

“F-fuck you. I’ve seen worse.” He growled

The regret in saying that was nearly instant. In the blink of an eye, the ground next to his head - that was solid concrete what the hell- was shattered. The villain was making an inhuman noise, a low gutteral sound coming from them. “You haven’t seen my worst. I wasn’t gonna do much to ya, but I’m starting to change my mind kid.”

He knew he should do anything else - he was already on a thin line - but fuck it. He had a free hand anyways. He grabbed something from his pocket and slammed it against the villain. “As I said before. Fuck. You.” He pressed the button on the side.

The machine sparked to life. Quite literally. Danny still didn’t know what it was supposed to do, but he could make it shock things. Like a weird taser. Unlucky for Danny he was literally pinned to the ground beneath the villain getting tased. And as everyone knows. Humans are conductive. Very conductive. 

Strangely the villain didn't even flinch. The growl getting louder as they grabbed the device from their shoulder and crushed it with their hand. Danny started shaking. Okay so that was a horrible idea. 

The shadows of the alley gathered around the villain. Climbing up their clothing and slowly slithering along their arm. They held Danny down, forming chains around him. In the villain’s hand, a knife, absorbing all light, The villian made the move to attack, and Danny closed his eyes, waiting for the pain to come.

It never did.

It lessened. 

Weight lifted from him, a weight he hadn’t realized was there besides his arm. Tentatively he opened his eyes. 

The villain was on the ground a few meters away from him, knocked out and tied up to a fire exit- similar to how Batman would leave criminals for the cops. Danny blinked. He hadn’t heard anything. So what in the world happened? And how could that have happened so fast? 

Standing up, he looked around for a sign of anyone being there to help him.

Oddly enough. It seemed no one had caused the villain to go down, at least not that Danny could see. Blue eyes scanned the area for a moment, looking for anything that wasn’t there before. Nothing popped out. Nothing was out of place. It looked like no one had been there.

He let out a breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. The air condensed, forming mist as it left his mouth and floated away. It was like when he first stepped outside in the winter. Which was strange- it was the middle of summer. A small frown formed on his face. The nights here weren’t that cold normally. 

He brushed it off, ignoring the goosebumps running along his skin as the air chilled. Perhaps whoever knocked the villain out had a rather cold quirk, he mused to himself. Heroes normally make themselves known at this point, checking to see if he was okay. 

He had an inkling it wasn’t a hero. At least not a licensed one. Not that he minded. He didn’t care who it was really. They saved his life… he was grateful for that.

Danny looked up to the clear sky, moonlight peaking over the buildings enough to illuminate the alley where the street lights glowed. He smiled up to the stars. “Thank you.” He said softly. “I wasn’t paying attention tonight.”

He left the alley, starting his way back home. He never caught sight of the figure watching him.

[rk1kheadcanons]

I have a prompt idea if you’re down, no rush at all! I just love the idea of rk1k meeting in college & it just being the first time either of them experience this real and deep love for someone. Like Connor is more on the reserved side & maybe was a lil sheltered, & while Markus is more outgoing he still approaches their relationship very carefully at the start. Both of their feelings for one another develop so strong so quickly, & maybe it scares them a bit and they don’t want to admit it to the other at first just how deeply they’ve fallen for each other because their relationship is still rather new, but it just ends up evolving into this really powerful/beautiful relationship. Can u tell I’m feeling soft rn lol

It's okay Anon, we'll be soft together.

When Connor first enters college, he's still awkward and feels like this is highschool 2.0 all over again. He has no high hopes of it being better than the good times (sharing anecdotes and movie quips with Kara and Chloe in Drama class) or worst than the bad times he experienced (bullying he experienced at the hands of Gavin Reed c/o the varsity football team and fighting with his own closeted feelings).

Connor expected his experiences to just...be.

Connor didn't come here for a good time; he didn't come here for any sort of time. All he intends to do is finish his criminology degree within these four years and dip.

Within a couple of months, he's more sure of himself. He's met some good friends like Simon and Daniel, and Simon's main squeeze, Josh. Daniel and he are best bitches 4 life at the start. He then meets North in English composition and the same happens all over again. The boss WLW and MLM solidarity were real.

He grows into himself with his friends. Now recognizes that he's a hot, gay bitch that has little time for messy people and likes to keep it that way.

He wears a camouflage of the 'shy, sweet type' so he can move around and be unseen easily even as he is constantly on the swivel, partly why he decided to become a detective: he was perfect for it.

His dad thought so too. Had said he would be so dangerous in their respective field because of how he was. He knew Connor was fucking manipulative and maniacal with the cutesy face and dangerous martial arts he'd learned-he'd raised him ofc. That adorable face was a damned front and Hank would guffaw when people fell for it.

Gavin Reed was the first to get his comeuppance senior year of high school and learn this. Connor had played the scared, shy guy- he'd then proceeded to beat the sounds and colors right out of Gavin's raggedy ass.

Now Connor had a damned fan. That bitch followed him to college he was so sprung n that ass whooping. Maybe he gave him brain damage?

Connor ignored him like he did everyone else on campus he wasn't trying to see. He remained reserved and clean-cut. Very few had seen the real him.

Connor had also vowed to not look for a relationship with anyone either in college. Bootycalls? Okay. Something to scratch that itch so he could remain focus on his studies, alright, but not a whole romantic situation.

Connor was just trying to get rid of Gavin for the umpteenth time since this year had started and of fucking course the rest of the football team was there. Gavin didn't know the meaning of "no" and "personal space" and was going to press the issue.

Here steps forward this God of a man. He checks Gavin and Connor's heart in a couple of words.

Gavin's threatened; Connor's titillated.

Markus Manfred enters stage left.

Stupid Markus Manfred and his stupid face, and his stupid heterochromia and stupid kissable mouth. Literally, fuck this dude.

No, literally, fuck him against some fucking lockers in the locker room after Markus winning game right now, get in him, because, because...

God, the way Markus chased his mouth with his own. The way he'd been stripped and lifted as he weighed next to nothing, the quick yet superb preparation on the fly and then the feeling of him quickly and effectively just getting inside... Connor's one leg shook with the stimulus, his other loosely hung around Markus waist for dear life.

Rip to his pants.

He can feel how he's being physically jostled by the other's larger hands, one on his side, the other under his thigh and it's just-

Connor's face is hot and flushed and he knows it. His damned eyes keep fluttering like he's seizing, mouth open and quite possibly drooling like he cannot control his facial muscles, control the noises pouring out of himself as every stroke inside of him touches that one sensitive spot just right.

His nails bite into Markus beautiful copper skin, flecked in freckles as Connor yells out his joyous release to everyone within a three-mile radius.

When it's said and done, they both had to recap how they even got into this scenario.

Neither were complaining, not really, just really taken aback that had happened out of the blue like that and felt so natural. Markus had been chiding Gavin about being a creep, to which Connor amended he was a stalking creep. It hadn't flown over we'll with Markus since he was the captain of the team.

Gav was hazed, he was pissed and retreated. They had stayed and talked to each other. Just talked. Markus invited him to that evening game to which Connor advised he'd already be at because he was a band member. It was early and they had parted but that whole day was filled with happenstance's of Markus appearance and talking to him. The pull had been strong.

The attraction was overwhelming and it was a bit terrifying for both parties to admit. They had just been talking to each other. Nothing significant or substantial.

Markus felt maybe he was riding a gaming win high along with his obvious attraction to Connor.

Connor felt like maybe it was mutual attraction and appreciation for him.

They both left it at that. Where Connor had not seen Markus before, he now began seeing him everywhere: in passing, in some classes, he acts as a student assistant for additional credit and functions.

Connor being in the college band and having a very beautiful jock show him this sort of attention was flattering he has to admit, and that he's a bit curious about him.

Markus asks him out on an official date.

Connor really wants to scoff at him because the scared, nerdy kid inside of him says this is a trap, he's doing this for an elaborate prank, that this is somehow tied to Gavin and you will regret this.

Connor has a hard time believing that someone that looks like Markus would genuinely be interested in a person like him. Then again, he had just blown his back out magnificently not that long ago.

Markus is all warm and fuzzy, bubbly and chipper and Connor gets drunk on the free serotonin every time they meet.

He takes the plunge and says yes to the date and has never regretted it.

The conversation is immaculate, the expectations realistic and superb, and Markus is not just a jock: he's down to earth, adopted into money but lives simply. He wants to be a painter like his dad...

His father is the Carl Manfred, the famous painter and Connor feels like he had an aneurysm.

Connor tells Markus about his Lieutenant Dad, Henry 'Hank' Anderson. How he was the youngest lieutenant on the Detroit police force and Markus stupidly and excitedly smiles and says "I know! I was such a fan of your dad. He helped my dad when art thieves were stealing one-of-a-kind art from the museum!"

Connor is so damned smitten with this lovely creature that it's insane. He thinks he really might lo..like Markus a lot.

Connor's thoughts derail at the word choice a scowl on his face. What was he, 10?

Markus would run away so damned fast if he said those words to him. Just because they'd been going out and now regularly intimate didn't make it love, right? Why, then, did it bother Connor that it felt so right only with this man?

Markus notices the sour disposition Connor has, tries to get him back into the conversation, and even though Connor says he's okay, Markus knows that he's withdrawn from the conversation fully.

Unbeknownst to Connor, Markus had his strong feelings as well over the matter.

He was feeling Connor hard. It blindsided him and he knew that he needed to talk about this with Connor, lest one or both of them get hurt.

They both had fallen hard, much harder than they thought they would.

Instead of that talk Markus promised himself he was mature and level-headed enough for them both to have or even Connor just acknowledging the truth of the matter, they left the relationship in a sort of limbo, as is, neither wanting to face that four-letter word headlong in such a brutally honest way, fear that maybe just maybe what each of them had been feeling wasn't that and neither wanted the hurt if it wasn't L O V E.

I have more ideas on this one but I'll cut it for now because it's huge for a Tumblr post, lol. If it gets some interest, I have no problem with continuing it in another post of my own. HMU if you do like like. 😘

[skinsharpenedteeth]

Coming Up Easy - A Series of Firsts (Part 1)

Synopsis: AU where Alex and Michael are FWB since high school. Series of firsts in their relationship. Hopefully I’ll post one every Wednesday. No clue how many I’ll have. Feel free to send me ideas.

Part 1. First Apartment

    It was the worst decision Alex had ever made if Michael had anything to say about it. He was across the country building himself a new life and Michael didn’t like it one bit. 

    “You can come visit,” Alex said, brushing a stray curl from Michael’s forehead. He was watching his own finger and tracing the loops of the curl instead of looking Michael in the eyes. “Friends visit each other.”

    “Right, I know. You’re right. I can visit,” Michael agreed, his stomach feeling queasy at the fact that if he wanted to see Alex he would have to visit. He couldn’t show up unannounced because he was lonely or having a bad day. No one would be waiting for him at the Wild Pony for drinks. His friend would be too far away in a different bar, possibly making new friends.

    Michael stared down at his phone, the chat window he shared with Alex open and depressingly inactive. No blinking dots to say Alex was typing or thinking about him too. He sighed and tossed the phone onto the bar in front of him, signaling Maria’s new bartender to get him another beer. Once the beer was in front of him, Michael opened his phone screen again and stared at the chatbox some more. 

    ‘Fuck it,’ he finally said to himself as he began to type. 

Me 11:15 p.m.>> You up?

    He set the phone down again and sipped his beer, watching the other patrons through the mirrors behind the bar. There were some guys at the pool table that he could go swindle for a game or two. Liz, Max, and Kyle were in a corner booth all laughing and talking animatedly. He could hear the whoops and cheers from someone taking a turn on the mechanical bull outside the bar. There were so many things to distract him, but all Michael wanted was to talk to Alex. 

Alex 11:20 p.m.>> Are you seriously booty calling me from five states away? Me 11:21 p.m.>> I mean, this isn’t that different from when we were in college and you had that late chem lab and I kept getting bored waiting for you to get out… Alex 11:23 p.m.>> That’s not a very subtle way to ask for nudes. Me 11:24 p.m.>> I mean, I wouldn’t say ‘no’ to nudes if you’re offering them, but really I’m just at the Pony missing my best friend. Alex 11:26 p.m.>> You should call Isobel then. I’m sure she’d be glad to hang out. Me 11:27 p.m.>> Jerk. Me 11:27 p.m.>> Wyd? Alex 11:29 p.m.>> Staring at the black void of my bedroom listing all the things I need to get done tomorrow after I get home from work. This is basically like when I moved in with Kyle in college except I have more boxes and no one to guilt into unpacking them for me.

    Michael stared at the phone and thought about that first apartment. He’d moved in with Kyle after Kyle’s dad died. Kyle had transferred from Michigan State back to UNM in Albuquerque to be closer to his mom, but he was still on the pre-med track so living in town was out of the question. Michael remembers them all getting wasted on whiskey that first night and after Kyle had passed out on the futon mattress (which was on the floor and not on the still-disassembled futon), he and Alex had escaped to his room. 

Me 11:33 p.m.>> Remember the rug burns you gave me that second night? Alex 11:35 p.m.>> You deserved that for the hickies you gave me! It looked like I'd been attacked by an octopus in my sleep!

    Michael grinned into his beer. He didn’t regret the hickies. They’d been drunk and horny. He’d pinned Alex to the shitty, half-deflated air mattress and left marks in a constellation from his neck to the inside of his thighs and the little shit had loved every fucking second of it. Then Alex had tried to roll them and just ended up knocking Michael over off the mattress. They’d laughed and Alex had apologized into his mouth between kisses. He’d tasted like whiskey and cheap pizza and Michael remembered being blissfully happy somewhere underneath all the horniness. The rugburns hadn’t come until the next night when Alex had fucked him hard on the floor, carpet digging into Michael’s knees, elbows, and cheek. It’d been worth it to see Kyle the next morning try to figure out how to address the thinness of the wall between their bedrooms. 

Me 11:39 p.m.>> Fucking worth it. You were so mad about those hickies, but I wore those rug burns like badges of honor. Alex 11:40 p.m.>> The fuck you did. You whined every day until they were gone. Me 11:41 p.m.>> Not how I remember it at all. You must have me confused with your other friend you occasionally fuck. Alex 11:42 p.m.>> I could never. 

    “Oh shit, I think Valenti’s passed out. Should we fuck with him? Draw dicks on his face? Make him pee himself?” Michael asked, giggling into Alex’s warm, shirt-covered shoulder. They were sitting pressed side by side against the living room wall. They’d been telling dirty jokes and arguing about playing Halo for the last fifteen minutes. The bottle of Jack Daniels was down to the backwash at the bottom of the bottle, having been split between the three of them as a celebration for Kyle and Alex getting an apartment together. No more sneaking into dorm rooms or paying roommates to find another place to sleep. 

    “If you’re so desperate to see a dick, I got something better we could do,” Alex had slurred into his hair as he tipped toward him. 

    “You’re fucking drunk, can you even get hard?” Michael had asked. Better question was could he get hard… they’d had a lot to drink in a short period of time. 

    “Why don’t we go to my room and find out? Help me break the place in. Christen it before Kyle can,” Alex suggested, grin salacious and eyebrows mischievous and hair slightly sweaty and mussed from their hauling boxes and putting together furniture. Michael couldn’t remember wanting him more. He surged forward and captured his lips in a messy, wet kiss that somehow didn’t suck for all its faults. They were both panting gently when they pulled back. 

    “Yeah, let’s go,” he agreed quietly, eyes still closed and enjoying the taste and smell of the moment, the feeling of his hand against Alex’s neck, and how much he wanted this forever. Alex pushed back and stood up unsteadily, leaning on the wall for support, and Michael followed suit. They stumbled into the bedroom, legs tangling and making them fall onto the air mattress in a heap, laughing breathlessly as they started to pull at their shirts. The apartment still smelled like paint and carpet cleaner and the new plastic of the air mattress, but it was a refuge from the world and if Michael could live in that moment forever, he might just. 

    “Ugh, you’re getting sappy,” Alex mock-complained as he pushed Michael onto his back and straddled his hips. 

    “Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Michael countered with a grin, his hands, and expression betraying him as he let them both roam all over Alex’s body fondly, familiarly. Alex rolled his eyes, but his grin stayed in place. He grabbed Michael’s hands and pinned them to the floor by Alex’s knees. 

Alex kissed down Michael’s chest and stomach, leaving dark red marks where he sucked the skin into his mouth until Michael whined for him to stop. He kept moving his own body down until he was hovering over the obvious tent in Michael’s shorts. He grazed his cheek against Michael’s bulge, staring up at him with a dirty tilt to his lips. Alex lifted Michael’s hands from beside him and buried them in his hair. Michael looked down at him curiously, but Alex didn’t explain. He simply pulled down Michael’s shorts to mid-thigh and took Michael’s cock between his lips. 

Warm, wet ecstasy exploded through Michael’s nerve endings and he cried out, neck arching as he sucked in a breath at how good Alex’s mouth felt on him, his fingers tightening and pulling Alex’s hair. Alex moved his mouth fluidly over Michael’s cock and Michael was helpless against the sounds pouring out of his mouth. He pushed when Alex pulled, not wanting to be without the tight heat of his mouth any longer than he had to be. Alex’s hands were digging into his hips, probably bruising him, but Michael couldn’t focus on it, only let the dull pain heighten his experience of the pleasure. 

“Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, Alex. Christ,” Michael exclaimed between whimpers. Alex was going fast like he had a time limit. “Slow down, baby. We got all night.”

Alex popped off him and replaced his mouth with his hand, taking in a deep breath before continuing. 

“Exactly. Let’s get the first one out of the way. I want to still be fucking when the sun comes up,” Alex gasped, squeezing his hand and making his grip on Michael’s cock almost too tight. Michael didn’t have an answer for that, was too busy imagining it, and Alex took his silence as acceptance of the plan. He bent down and took Michael back into his mouth. 

Me 11:55 p.m.>> I could go for some hickies right about now Alex 11:56 p.m.>> Well, I can’t exactly come down to help you with that. Me 11:57 p.m.>> Guess you shouldn’t have moved. Alex 11:57 p.m.>> Something tells me you will survive. :P Me 11:58 p.m.>> Putting it on my Christmas list right now, though. Better come through for me, Manes. Alex 11:59 p.m>> You’re going to scandalize Santa asking for hickies. Me 12:00 a.m.>> He’ll understand. Alex 12:01 a.m.>> It’s past 1 here. I need to get some sleep. Miss you. Don’t get too drunk. Me 12:02 a.m.>> Miss you too. Dream about me. 

[bubbyleh]

Do I Know You? - Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Biological Research

The prospect is simple. Coomer and Kleiner have a report due on Monday, and they’re running short on time to write it. So Coomer, as friendly as he is, decided to invite Kleiner over to his and Bubby’s dorm for dinner, following which they would finish up their work.

But the preparation? It’s absolutely killing Bubby.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Bubby swears at the boiling pot, quickly turning back to their fiancé. “Harold, we've already ruined dinner. Spaghetti is way too cliche!”

“You’re overthinking it,” Coomer attempts to calm his partner. “It’s just spaghetti.”

Bubby crosses their arms. “It’s not just spaghetti! This is the first time we’re having a friend over! It needs to go well!”

Coomer laughs jovially. “Well then, I guess we’ll have to scrap the pasta and make something else!”

Bubby groans. “What would we serve, then? Sandwiches?!” they gesture to the kitchen clock, which reads 6:55. “We don’t have enough time to start from scratch!”

They’re interrupted by a knock at the door. Five minutes early, and Bubby is so startled he fumbles with the tongs they’re holding.

Coomer slaps Bubby’s back. “I guess it will have to do, then!” he declares, setting off towards the door before Bubby can say anything else.

For a brief second, Bubby is too stunned to follow. “Wait, Harold!” he shouts, running after him. “We can still cancel!”

- ○ -

For all Bubby’s worrying and whining, dinner ends up a huge success. Spaghetti, as it turns out, is a universally loved and adored meal, and is quick to modify to match the needs of the consumer. The only real issue that occurs relating to the meal is when Kleiner begins to gather his dishes, and Bubby makes a show of snatching his plate away from him.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Bubby glares down at him. “You’re our guest. Go do your work with Harold.”

Kleiner appears flustered. “Well, I could at least take it to the sink-”

“No, my house,” they counter. “Sit on the couch now and write your report.”

Bubby allows themself a victory smirk as Kleiner backs off, holding his hands up in faux defeat and leaving to join Coomer. Of course, since the kitchens in Black Mesa’s couples dorms can only really be classified as part of the living room, he still has a front row seat to Kleiner and Coomer’s report-writing process, even if he’s preoccupied with washing the dishes.

There’s something about the situation Bubby has found themself in that they can’t quite describe. Coomer and Kleiner chatting in the background as they clean up dinner, half listening to the two of them laugh at an offhand comment. At its core is a familiarity that they felt back when they met Isaac for the first time. The knowledge that they had met this person before, but for the life of them, they couldn’t figure out where.

But he's happy, he realizes. Coomer and Kleiner get along, and he’s happy about it.

Maybe this is friendship?

Their musings are interrupted by the ringing of the phone.

“I got it!” they shout towards the couch before Coomer can even think about standing. He dries his hands with a spare rag, answering the phone as they make their way into the bedroom.

“Hello? Who is this?” they ask.

“B? It’s Dr. Cynthia,” the voice on the other end responds. “Are you available right now?”

Bubby closes the bedroom door behind themself with a soft click. Best not to disturb Harold and Isaac.

“Is everything alright?” Bubby questions. Usually it’s great to hear from Dr. Cynthia, or rather, Dr. Grey. She’s been on their project for as long as they can remember, and she’s always treated them with a kindness that Dr. Daniels had been loath to show. But a random phone call so late in the evening, especially with the clear stress in Cynthia’s voice, can’t be a good thing.

“B, I’ve been in meetings all day,” Dr. Cynthia sighs. “Dr. Daniels died last night. They’ve been trying to shut down your project for good, but uh… I’ve been dealing with the loose ends.”

Bubby feels their stomach twist, and their heart is racing a mile a minute. “Am I safe?”

“Oh gosh, Bubby. You’re more than safe,” she assures him. “I made sure of that. If you can come down tonight, we can talk it through in person.”

They glance towards the door, beyond which they can still hear Isaac and Harold speaking to each other, muffled. To be honest, they were planning on settling down with a book they’d been working through. But this sounds way more important than finishing up The Great Gatsby.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll…” they begin looking around for their keys. “I’ll be down as soon as I can.”

Dr. Cynthia says something else before hanging up, but Bubby doesn’t quite hear it. There’s blood rushing through their ears. Dr. Daniels is dead. The literal worst bastard in the entire world is gone, and for some reason, Bubby is scared.

They leave the dorm in a bit of a haze, grabbing his keys, apologizing to Kleiner and muttering a quick explanation to Harold before he goes. Harold seems concerned, but when Bubby tells him it’s fine, he’s also saying the same thing to himself.

- ○ -

It only takes about an hour for the folks at Biological Research to explain everything to Bubby. What they have planned for him isn’t actually that bad. Obviously, Black Mesa’s higher ups aren’t letting them go completely, but free reign of the facility without having any obligations to Biological Research is more than they expected. Worst case scenario, Black Mesa was going to kill them off, so at least they get to live.

Plus, they’re going to actually be paid for their work now. That’s very nice.

The real surprise is when Dr. Cynthia slides a folder labelled B-K55 towards him. It’s thick, which is expected, considering it’s from an almost forty year-old experiment.

“Is that my file?” Bubby tilts their head.

Dr. Cynthia nods. “I got access to the fully unredacted version today. I actually learned some stuff.”

Bubby hesitates. “And I’m allowed to read it?”

“Well, yes, but,” Dr. Cynthia glances at the file. “There’s something you should know first.” She opens the file, flipping towards some of the earlier documents. “About your origins.”

She points, and Bubby follows her gaze. Paperclipped to the document are several photographs of a small child, around a year old, with a head of dark hair. In one picture, the baby is sitting in the grass and laughing, reaching their hands towards something offscreen. In another they’re standing, though clearly holding onto someone’s leg for support; their little hands are clenching onto the person’s pants for dear life. There are more pictures like it, startlingly domestic scenes that make absolutely no sense to be inside of a classified file from a sketchy research facility. At least, not until Dr. Cynthia speaks.

“Bubby,” she says. “Black Mesa didn’t make you.”

And suddenly, it clicks.

That’s not just any child. That’s Bubby.

Bubby before Black Mesa got its claws on him. They drag the file closer, and just looking at the pictures takes their breath away. That’s an actual human being, and from the looks of it, one who had a family too. One of these pictures is just them being held by an unseen individual, but they look so happy to be there, close to someone who loves them.

They feel like they were just hit by a truck.

“Holy shit,” they manage to choke out. “I’m a real person.”

[shan2-d2]

You Are the Worst, Burr

When I started this blog/website, one of my main goals was to write, once a week, about something new I tried or learned.  I had visions of all kinds of adventures, anything from just trying a new type of food to much crazier stuff, like going swimming with sharks or, y’know, forcing myself to attend a social event (god forbid, I’m not that desperate to try new things).

Unfortunately, COVID-19 is a stupid, gargantuan asshole.

(As are the people who continue to ignore its existence and refuse to socially distance or wear masks.)

Regardless, I’m going to try and make this thing happen-- on a smaller scale, for now.  And the new thing I tried last weekend (like everyone else) was Hamilton.

FUCKING. FINALLY.

Y’see, Hamilton came into being right after I had moved to New York City-- first off-Broadway, then on.  I don’t remember hearing about the off-Broadway run until it had ended, and when I learned that it was going to Broadway, I was kind of like, “Cool, I’ll catch it then.”  The thing is, as a New Yorker, it was pretty easy for me to do the various lotteries or whatever other discounts I could find, at least most of the time.  So, naturally, I got lazy.  Which meant that I definitely did not plan ahead for the show’s Broadway premiere, thinking that I’d be able to figure something out eventually.

Then, of course, Hamilton was HAMILTON, and I spent the next FIVE YEARS trying to get a ticket that didn’t cost half of my paycheck.  I’m not kidding-- I entered the Hamilton lottery EVERY SINGLE DAY until I left NYC (once it went digital, anyway-- I tried the Ham4Ham thing ONCE and was so overwhelmed by the crowd and insanity that I never tried again).  I never won-- I probably came pretty close in January of 2016, during “Snowpocalypse”, but all the Broadway shows ended up getting cancelled that night.  I KNOW.

Once I moved to California, I was determined to see the goddamned thing, particularly because it was playing in LA over my birthday weekend and regularly-priced tickets were actually available.   And then: COVID. 

Meanwhile, I have this thing where I refuse to listen to a Broadway show’s cast recording before I see the actual show.  Well, I say “rule”.  There are probably more exceptions to this rule than times that actually kept to it (like all the stuff I listened to when I was younger because I couldn’t afford tickets to shows, or more recently, Dear Evan Hansen because I have no willpower and Ben Platt’s voice is pretty).  However, with Hamilton, I somehow avoided hearing almost any of it, unless I caught bits and pieces from awards shows or whatever else.

I did listen to the Hamilton Mixtape, though.  I have no regrets, it’s the shit.  

Fun Random Fact: I witnessed Lin-Manuel Miranda win his Drama League Award for Hamilton back in 2016.  It was a really cool experience-- the list of nominees was absolutely insane (to name a few other than Lin: Daveed Diggs, Phylicia Rashad, Michelle Williams, Jeff Daniels, Lupita Nyong’o, Jessica Lange, Cynthia Erivo, and James Earl Jones, who made my ENTIRE LIFE by saying “may the force be with you” after the speech he gave about being a nominee.  My heart failed, I died, and then was somehow resurrected, all in the matter of a few seconds).  Here, have a crappy picture:

Obviously, I was super-psyched when it was announced that OG Cast Hamilton was coming to Disney +.  I mean, there’s nothing like a live performance and I still hope/plan to see it in a theater one day, but it sure beats watching a terrible, fuzzy bootleg filmed secretly from the top balcony on Youtube.

So, on Saturday, I finally watched Hamilton.

I figured I’d share a few thoughts.

If Hamilton was a woman, particularly a woman of today-- or maybe if he was just me-- the duel never would’ve happened, as the very SECOND that Burr said, “talk less, smile more” he would’ve been shot right in the balls.  

Speaking of balls, Washington’s entrance (the whole “we are outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outplanned” thing) has some SERIOUS big dick energy.  I don’t love that term, mainly because there is no female equivalent (because no one’s come up with a good slang word for vagina yet), but it totally fits.

I didn’t expect it to be so jarring to see Lin-Manuel Miranda cry.  And by “jarring”, I mean “soul-destroying”.  It felt like watching Leslie Knope give up.  Or when WALL-E boots back up and doesn’t remember EVE.  Or (GODDAMMIT SUPERNATURAL GET OUT OF MY HEAD) when Sam Winchester doesn’t believe in Team Free Will anymore.  Basically, EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND THERE’S NO HOPE IN THE WORLD. I mean, the guy’s allowed to cry. I just don’t want to witness it because it feels like the apocalypse is nigh.

Daveed Diggs is hot.  Even while playing gross Jefferson.

But my biggest takeaway?  A general sense of my own stupidity as I read discussions re: the ending, because I genuinely just thought it was a mistake and she was about to fall off the stage. I mean, AFTERWARDS, I obviously realized Disney wouldn’t have shown that if it happened. But I’m not sure that, “NO SHE’S NOT SEEING THE AUDIENCE/HAMILTON/THE FUTURE, SHE’S ABOUT TO NOSEDIVE INTO THE ORCHESTRA!” is the hottest of takes, you know what I mean?

[largemouthbassnation]

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[foggyhoundbiscuitskeleton]

Danielle turned to me and as soon as the words registered in her head, she ran at me and swung. She hit me square in the jaw, I fell to the ground and brought my hand to my mouth, pulling my fingers away revealing blood from my busted lip. I felt the rage and anger take over my body, and my eye sight went red as I start shaking from anger. I had never fought someone before, but tonight this bitch was getting the full WWE ass kicking! I leaped to my feet and grabbed this hood rat, wanna be famous, thot ass, std infected, cunt by the hair and karate kicked the bitch in the coochie. She let out a scream as she fell holding her cooter, so I took my opportunity to left hook her in the face, instantly breaking her nose, as blood trickled down her mouth. I felt a hand grab my arm and turned to see Billie trying to talk to me, but the anger had taken over me and I couldn’t process what she was saying. Just then I seen what Billie was trying to tell me as the good ole blue boys rolled up in their blue lives don’t matter whips. Danielle laid on the concrete rolling in pain, as she got what she deserved, cause fuck that bitch! I put my hands behind my back as the cops pulled their weapons and started screaming,

“Get on the ground, and place you hands in the air!”

I dropped to my knees and put my hands up by my head. One of the fat piggy’s walks up to me and grabs my wrist snapping the handcuffs on me, kinky!

“You have the right to remain silent, everything you say and do will be held against you in a court of law.”

As, they stood me up and started walking me to the police car I could hear Billie screaming my name, I turn and see one of the po po holding her back.

“Please, let her go, she didn’t start it, she was just defending herself, Y/N don’t worry I’ll get you out, I promise, I love you!”

And there it was the Billie Elish has just announced her love for me, as I was going to jail for fighting Bhad Badie, what had my life become.

The car ride to the police station wasn’t too bad, we rode in silence, as my mind played the words, I love you repeatedly in my head. I’d never felt this way before in my life, in all honest I’d never had someone say they loved me before except my family. Once, we arrived at the prison I had my fingers printed and a mugshot taken, I was then searched and put into my cell. It was a nice cell kind of small and damp, but it would work for the night, my only complaint was the crack head in the cell over kept singing and at this point in my life if you aren’t Billie, please don’t sing. I was in the cell for what seemed like days before, anyone came to take my statement, after giving my statement I could make my one phone call. So, I called the suicide hot line, because I was finna kill myself, just kidding, I called my aunt Lizzy. She picked up after 4 rings, and it was nice to hear a voice of home after the month I had endured.

“Hello, who is this?”

“Hey, Lizzy” I croaked.

“Oh my, Y/N is that you, are you in prison, because this is a paid prison call?”

“Um, so, yes, but also no.” I answered.

“What do you mean yes, but no?”

“So, you remember how I’m on tour right?” I asked.

“Yes, with that Billie Eyelash person.”

“Ok, well I got into a physical fight with this girl who came with us to dinner, Bhad Badie, and now I’m in jail.” I confused.

“Y/N you didn’t!”

“Oh no, I did, but that’s not the worst part on my way to jail, Billie told me she loved me, by the way she also kissed me too, so!” I spilled.

“Y/n, I think you need to come home, this doesn’t seem to be good for you, should I buy you a plane ticket?”

“No, I’ll be ok I need this for work experience, but what should I do about the love you?” I questioned.

“Well, if you like her talk to her about it, or if you don’t just politely tell her that, but I don’t want this jail thing to become a habit!”

“It won’t, hopefully, and ok I guess I’ll have to make up my mind and let her know how I feel.”

I feel a tap on my shoulder and turn to see a pig telling me that my time was up.

“Hey, Lizzy, I’ll have to go my time is up, love you!” I sighed.

“Ok Y/N, keep you head up and you’ll be ok, is someone coming to bail you out?”

“Yeah, Billie is.” I added.

“Ok, love you too, bye.”

“Bye” I said.

I was walking back to my cell when I see Billie bust through the police station doors, screaming my name as she made dead eye contact with me.

“Y/N are you ok, I’m here to bail you out, don’t worry I called my lawyer and we’re going to get you out of here.”

I was on the verge of crying when my piggy, threw me back into my cell and yelled at Billie telling her she needed to wait for the lawyer, so they could sign my paperwork to get me out.

“Don’t you dare handle her like that, and he’s coming, Y/N it’ll all be ok, we’ll be back on the road soon!”

Billie was escorted to the waiting area as I silently cried in my cell. I was so nervous for what was about to happen that I was visibly shaking, all I wanted to do at this point was go back to the hotel and take a hot shower and get some sleep. The lawyer showed up thirty minutes later and got my paperwork straightened up, so I could finally be free. The unlocked my cell and walked me out to the waiting area, where Billie greeted me with open arms.

“Oh my god Y/N, I was so scared for you!”

Billie had tears in her eyes, as she investigated mine.

“I know I’m shaking!” I blubbered.

“Don’t worry your bail has been paid and no charges where pressed, so we can finally go back to the hotel.”

“Ok, thank god, I’m ready for a hot shower and some sleep.” I hummed.

Billie and I sat in silence the whole ride back to the hotel, while Billie held me tightly as her driver drove. Every now and then she would trace her hand down the side of my face, as she hummed quietly too me. When we got back to the hotel it was 5 am, Billie needed to be up at 1 pm for her sound check, so we used all the energy we had to run up to her room for a shower and some sleep. The shower felt godly, after the night I had, and I was finishing putting on my pajamas when I heard a knock at the door. Billie jumped up and opened the door to see Fineas and Zoe standing there, they both stepped inside as Billie shut and locked the door.

“Listen I’m about to show you both something, but don’t freak out, ok?” Zoe said.

“Ok, what is it?” I asked.

“Here, take a look for yourself.” Fineas added.

Just then he unlocked his phone and handed it to Billie, on the screen the TMZ cite was pulled up with an article that read, “Billie Eilish’s new girlfriend beats up Bhad Babie?” Along with the article there was a video, but just any video our fight video. We watched the video, my mouth hung open the enter time, as I wondered who could’ve recorded this since there was no one around, but us five.

“Goddamn my ass looks phat in that video!” Zoe whooped.

“What the fuck, Zoe!” I gasped.

“Oh sorry, your ass looks phat too, whoever videoed this really got you from your best angles!” Zoe added.

“So, does anyone have the recite for her, or maybe a warranty, because this one is broken, I think we need a new one.” I countered.

“Watch it bitch, do you want to go round two in fight club?” Zoe questioned.

“Well, I’m not afraid to go back to jail, so bring it on whore!” I tempted.

“Listen bitch you need to know you’re place I was with Billie long before you, so take a seat you poser.” Zoe declared.

“I see your mouth moving, but all I see coming out is shit!” I laughed.

“Bitch that’s it, it’s time you took a real ass beating!” Zoe raged.

“Ok, ok, ok, let’s all calm down, we have real issues to deal with, so knock it off!” Fineas intervened.

“Was there anyone else at the restaurant we didn’t see?” Billie questioned.

“I don’t think so, unless this crazy cunt set up her phone and recorded it her self.” I added.

“I mean the video is taken in just one angle it makes sense.” Fineas noted.

“Yeah, by the time Y/N and I got out there she was already ready for a fight.” Billie replied.

“Did anyone see her after the fight?” I asked.

“No, we all were watching you go to jail.” Zoe hesitated.

“Oh, shit look!” Fineas said.

As, I looked I seen more and more articles pop up with similar headlines, “Billie Eilish mystery girl fights Billie’s ex,” “exclusive fight video of Billie Eilsih’s girlfriend,” “Billie’s new fling takes an ass beating,” etc.

“What the fuck are we gonna do?” Zoe croaked.

[enkisstories]

Just like them

- Short Detroit Become Human fanfic starring Daniel - - Close enough to canon, not my Sims!AU - November 15, 2038 Park Avenue

Daniel placed his hand on the door lock. However, the device rejected his request almost instantly.

ACCESS DENIED

It wasn’t just a string of bright letters, the message additionally burned itself into the android brain. And although the narrative went that androids didn’t feel pain, the sharp sting of the “Nope” signal along with all the emotions it triggered in Daniel’s deviant mind were unpleasant to say the least.

“Shit!”

Daniel raised his hand – or rather, he moved his shoulder to lift the replacement arm and hand up, spare parts salvaged from other unfortunates that had found themselves in the DPD’s evidence archive. Just when the new limbs had started to feel less like prostheses and more like parts of himself, the android had to receive a reminder to the fact that this wasn’t the case. His real hand was lost and with it the RFID tag that would have opened the door to the Phillips apartment.

Daniel wondered briefly the key to which door he was carrying now, because some signal had gotten exchanged between the hand and the door lock. If there had been no key present at all, the door would just have stayed silent instead of bellowing its “Access denied” at the intruder.

A shutdown police auxiliary beyond repair had “donated” Daniel’s new legs, but also the hand? Daniel didn’t remember. It hadn’t mattered earlier that day when they had set him more or less free.

And now the android he was standing here, with an electronic cuff somewhere in his system, a novel worth of parole terms in his head, but fresh out of an emergency override keycard for his own home.

I should have went with that guy from Jericho when he offered it. But, noooooo, I HAD to do this alone, because I don’t NEED help at all. And I shouted at him, so there’s no turning back now. It’s getting dark anyway. And ‘sides, I have a right to this flat! It’s my inheritance, the pay for four years of service, no way I’m going to live in, what was it, a wrecked cruise ship or something? No way!

Tap,tap,tap… jingle,jingle,jingle… swoosh

Daniel exited the elevator and only when the doors closed behind him did he realize that he had just traveled downwards by one floor without actually having decided to do so.

Check. Deviant brain doing deviant stuff. They warned me about this.

Daniel’s subconsciousness had taken over, now the question was where had it taken him?

Looking around Daniel discovered that he was standing right in front of an apartment door, one hand raised slightly, obviously in an attempt to ring the doorbell. The nameplate that went with the bell read “Rasoya”.

Ah, right, that was familiar territory. The Rasoyas were the Phillips’ direct downstairs neighbors. They had helped them out by taking Emma when her parents were out and with sugar, flour and eggs that Caroline tended to forget to stock up in sufficient quantity. That had been before Daniel had joined the household, of course, but even with the Phillips owning a state of the art household assistant made by CyberLife now the families had remained… close?

I have always assumed we were close, but looking back I feel “habitually on speaking terms” is more precise.

Someone was stirring now inside the apartment and a female voice rose up:

“I think I heard someone at the door! Will you take a look?”

“Yes, it’s me!” Daniel shouted back, then rang the bell.

Someone was looking through a spyhole, not trusting the electronic security camera, then opened the door. Before it was fully open, Daniel already gasped at the person behind it: “Can I borrow a crowbar, please, Mrs. Rasoya? I need to break into the Phillips apartment!”

Mrs. Rasoya laughed so hard at this that the toddler boy she was holding was shaking violently. Reflexively Daniel grabbed him while Mrs. Rasoya was still trying to get a grip on herself. Eventually the woman said:

“Daniel Phillips – the most polite android revolutionary ever.”

“Calm down, calm down!” Daniel shushed the human. “I’m not with Markus or whoever, I don’t even have a clear idea what exactly’s going on!”

I mean, when have I ever? I lived in an illusion all my existence, believing myself appreciated… sheltered… Going by my experience Markus could just be another Connor: playing nice, but harboring ulterior motives.

“They just…”

Looking for a familiar term in all the madness that was the present, the android continued:

“…let me out of prison and here I am, but I can’t enter my own damn apartment!”

“Own dan apartment!” little Caden Rasoya repeated cheerfully, at which his grandmother demanded the kid to get returned to her.

“Raj, dear?” she called into the apartment and a few heartbeats later her adult son, Caden’s father, appeared. Raj was a gourmet chef and his body was certainly looking the part, although he tended to dress extremely casually at home.

“Would you accompany Danny here upstairs to break down the Phillips’s door, Raj?”

“You know what, mom?” Raj laughed out loud. “This is by far the most normal request I’ve heard those last few days.”

Daniel watched Mrs. Rasoya retreat into her home where she picked up an old handheld gaming device that she had been playing on. He heard Caden giggle. The TV was running, Caden giggled some more, but then listened intently to his mother, who was explaining something connected to the evening children’s show they were watching. Everything was so normal!

Why were the Rasoyas still here, Daniel wondered? Were the feeling that the worst was behind them and deeming it save to stay in Detroit, even though the president had arranged an evacuation of a scope that put to shame even the annual floods? Were these humans maybe just as attached to their territory as Daniel himself was? Regardless of the possible consequences? In retrospect, what if Caroline had still been here tonight? Or – was she, maybe?!

“Uh… Is Caroline…?” Daniel started asking Raj.

“Left Detroit. In fact, she didn’t even wait for the presidential nudge to do so.”

“Ah.”

Raj grabbed the doorknob and with his head motioned the android to join him.

“Come in!”

“But I need to…”

“No way I’m trying to kick in a sturdy apartment door, least of all with security still intact”, Raj explained. “And neither should you do that, with a criminal record on your head. You have one…?”

“Yes, yes, it’s all legit. The DPD knows I’m here, but, fuck, I should have asked for an escort to actually get into my home.”

“You certainly picked up some language there that you didn’t know before”, Raj commented, still more amused than wary. Definitely wary, too, but not to an extent that prevented the man from acting civilly.

“But what am I to do now?”

“You’ll want to take the balcony route, Daniel. Climb up from our balcony and find your door. It was never properly repaired after… the incident, you should be able to push it open easily.”

“That’s that Connor’s fault!” Daniel spat. “It doesn’t respect anything!”

And that were the last words he exchanged with the Rasoyas. Without even a “thanks” the deviant made haste towards the balcony, jumped onto the railing and started scaling the apartment building like an ape. A PL600 wasn’t particularly strong, but their dexterity and eye-hand-coordination had to be rated outstanding even compared to other androids. Daniel was also rather agile, although he suspected that was a personal feat, nothing hard-coded in his system specs. And of course his new PC200 legs were also contributing to his athletic ability.

*

Inside the Phillips home Daniel didn’t linger much in the apartment proper, but instead went straight to the fish tank in the floor.

“Huey, Dewey, Louie… everyone still there!” he noticed with relief. “It’s feeding time, gentlemen! – Hehe, yes, go for it! No need to fight, there’s more where this is coming from!”

Smiling the android watched the fish gorge themselves. When had been the last time they had been fed, he wondered? So typical of Caroline! Flaunting the family fortune, but possessed of a total disregard of actual living beings. Like those of the ornamental fish she had left behind to their fate. Or her android’s…

Daniel had never given his artificial lung much thought. They were just there, moving his chest to make him appear more lifelike. Now the deviant realized how this particular biocomponent came in handy: he sighed deeply.

Moving back into the apartment Daniel almost expected to find John’s tablet. Of course after all this time it wouldn’t be there anymore. Or at least it would no longer display the order confirmation for the AP700, where John had ticked the “Disposal of old device at no extra cost” option. There had been another option, also at no extra cost: to donate the old android to charity. It would have taken the man no longer than two minutes to choose an organization from a dropdown list, but John Phillips hadn’t wanted anybody to mooch from something he had payed good money for. He had said so aloud and that comment had alerted Daniel to what was going on in the first place.

John’s greed and antisocial tendencies might very well have saved my life!

Daniel shooed this thought and looked around some more.

Pictures of Emma, John and Caroline, sometimes alone, then again as a family or with various friends, were everywhere. Of their android there was no sign and hadn’t been before the incident. Daniel felt a little like visiting the Dursleys with all the pictures of Dudders and no hint whatsoever that another boy was living at Privet Drive…

He picked up one of the framed pictures. It showed the family gathered under a Christmas Tree. The spheres, bells, stars and pine cones were all made from real glass and in between hang handmade charms fashioned by Emma. The Phillips didn’t believe in anything transcendental, neither god, nor magic. But even so they had followed the traditions and actually gained something from them. There had been an unusual warmth around that time of year each year.

Daniel put back the photograph. Suddenly the glass ornaments were too bright, the fishtank next door too loud and even the carpet his feet were touching was too rough. The deviant hunkered down and buried his head in his arms. Thirium tried to get up and out through his nose. Daniel didn’t understand what was happening to him. His system status hadn’t been that bad this morning!

Stay in… stay in… I don’t want to die! Only, I feel like dying… But I don’t want to! It’s not fair!

Daniel had sat there hunched over and crying for a while, when suddenly the door rang. A jolt went through the android’s body. Daniel jumped up and the weak, but steady stream of skin fluid mixed with blue blood came to a halt. The android wiped it away and licked the thirium from his new fingers before opening the door.

“Hey, Geeta”, Daniel greeted the visitor. “Afraid I might shut down from sorrow all alone up here?”

The words sounded like an accusation…

“Nah.” Mrs. Rasoya shook her head. “Not you. In fact, I reckon you are unable to suicide.”

“Huh? How would you know?”

Geeta walked past Daniel. She grabbed one of the family photographs at random and turned it for Daniel to get a good look at it.

“Dogs take after their owners, children after their parents and androids… androids take after their masters.”

“That’s utter bullshit!” the deviant flared up. “And even if it wasn’t, it wouldn’t apply to me! I’m a de…”

“Deviant, Daniel? For deviants what I said goes even more so, because of your emotions.”

“I may have acquired some of those, so what?!”

“The Phillips couple, too, was never one for thinking before acting… for taking a step back from their desires… or for putting themselves into others’ shoes.”

Daniel started to yell again, but was cut short:

“What kindness they had, manifested indirectly only - in their little girl and in their household assistant.”

“Huh.”

“Not what you wanted to hear, I know.”

Daniel took the picture.

“Me? Being like them?”

“It’s true.”

The deviant smiled warmly, not unlike when he had watched his fishes. For several moments he stood there, content with the world and himself. But then he jerked around his arm and smashed the frame against the nearest wall.

“They never were my family!!!”

Geeta shrugged and said her goodbyes.

“You know where to find us if you want to borrow gelignite or whatever a modern deviant might need”, she said. The woman had meant it as a joke, but as she gently closed the door behind herself, she wasn’t so sure about that anymore.

[kngcity]

okay, i’m currently watching the life is strange stream where they watch all the endings, and i feel like i need to air my thoughts a little. this is gonna end up as a fucking essay i just know it, so im sorry in advance

this contains spoilers by the way if you havent seen the endings yet or let alone played the game??+

when i first finished playing, i got the lone wolf ending and i absolutely loathed it. not because it was a badly produced ending, absolutely not, but because it was so.. surprising, and nothing like what i would expect when i chose to surrender after all that time and daniel refused. i’m pretty certain that most people played through (at least the first time), following your first moral instincts, yk? so i felt pretty bummed out when i ended up with what almost everyone is calling the worst possible ending. throughout the whole game i did everything i could to make daniel comfortable and happy, even though how stupid it seemed to me. it pains me a little to read those comments on how much they hate daniel, considering he’s nine years old when the game starts. NINE!!! the thought of daniel, this one time following his own instincts by disagreeing with his brother, ended up getting his brother killed, and i can’t imagine how it must feel for him growing up knowing that sean’s death is on his hands – and possibly his fathers as well as he grows up. considering he wasn’t aware of his powers in the first episode, it wouldn’t be fair to hold him accountable for it, but looking at his character and how easily he could blame himself for chris’ potential death/accident.... yeah

however, i’ve also seen a lot of people saying that they think redemption is the worst ending. and honestly, the second time i played through the game, i was desperate on getting this ending. why? because i still felt like surrendering was the morally right choice for me. i 100% agreed with david (who i’ve loved since i first saw him in the first game, but that’s for another time) when talking to him in the game; you can’t keep running away forever. i think the redemption is bittersweet. i think that’s the best word for me to describe it. i understand that a lot of people disagrees with me and my interpretation of both sean and daniel. having a younger brother myself, he’s six years old to be exact, i know that i would do absolutely everything for him. i would do 15 years in prison for him in a fucking heartbeat. from the perspective of an older sibling, i think surrendering would be the right choice from sean’s perspective as well. he knew that if he surrendered, daniel would be able to live a normal life – a life that he himself was robbed of. daniel was able to go back to live with family, graduate from school, what normal people do. sean giving up his own freedom in order for his brother to live a happy life is heartwarming to me, but it’s also heartbreaking knowing that his own life will never be the same again. their reunion in the end has this fine line between being beautiful and heartwrenching when they return to their camping spot, and how the roles changed from sean comforting daniel in the first game, to daniel comforting sean after all this time.  of course, everything sean wanted to do in the beginning was to go to eric’s halloween party and woo jenn, him being taken away his teenage years is beyond unfair but then again a part of me doesn’t believe that sean regrets giving up his freedom for daniel in the end........feel free to change my mind

then you have both the parting ways ending and the blood brothers ending. i’ll go ahead with blood brothers first. i think both of these endings can be considered the better endings, in some way. in blood brothers, they get to be together. but at what cost? seeing this ending and having them be together made me incredibly happy at first, but me, being the over-analytical idiot that i usually am, can’t stop thinking about where does their story really end? they’re criminals in the united states, and they keep being criminals in mexico. if you ended up with this particular ending, i'm guessing it’s only realistic to see how daniel decided that following his brother’s footsteps was the right thing to do for him. i’m not saying that freedom and “obeying the rules and the laws of society” is the recipe to happiness, absolutely not. but... i don’t know. please help me see how this could be a good-good ending and not just a good ending because they get to stay together..

spotsuns wrote this on the blood brothers ending and i thought it was interesting

finally, parting ways. in this ending sean gets to be happy in puerto lobos with finn/cassidy/alone? whatever you chose in ep3, and daniel gets to live in beaver creek with their grandparents. the more i think about it, the more i believe this is the “right” ending, seeing how it was sean’s wish and idea from the beginning to travel there, and not daniel’s. sean even admitted to himself in episode 3 to finn i believe? that daniel doesn’t even want to go. i’m agreeing more with myself on how this could be the right right ending... to me, the significant purpose of the game was to do right by daniel. i loved how the game grasped the concept of being a helpless teenager who takes on the role of a guardian to a child – who has supernatural powers like telekinisis. it’s a challenge, that’s for sure, and it really questions your moral as a whole. 

of course, the ideal ending would be them being able to be together and free in the us, or wherever they both want to be of course, but yeah.... i don’t know. i’ve been trying to sort out my thoughts for days, and to be honest it’s messing with my exams. ff u dontnod for releasing the last episode during exams!!11 

anyway, please enlighten me if you have different interpretations of the different endings, or the game as a whole. i’m aware that everyone has different experiences and thoughts on the game, and i would absolutely love to hear them

[shhhnottom]

I Got Bored. Here's A Book

Just a quick warning before we actually start this mass roller coaster of bullshit. If you are easily offended, feel free to stop and reverse your hand to the home page.

Also, this is not a story of any kind. It's just a random bunch of subjects that mean something to me and I ramble on about. I drank quite a lot whilst typing 90% of this and watched a fair amount of Netflix

Just take a look at these chapters. I think you could see where this is going to go:

Depression

Anxiety

Television

Self Harm

Procrastination

One Word Chapter

Didn't See That Coming?

Swearing

Panic Attacks

The End?

Just another warning, there will be a fair amount of swearing in this so if you want to censorit out, feck off. It's safer, trust me.

Depression

Yeah, lets start off dark. That seems like it's going to be a great plan. Let's face it, everyone has their bad days. Try to lie, I dare you. I have mine and they get me to a point where I just want to throw myself into a keg of ale and a couple bottles of whiskey. Has to be the good stuff, otherwise my sadness is made more sad. I mean, who wants to depressed and drink a bottle of Tesco value blended shite when there is a long list that will make you feel slightly better, like Jameson's, Tullamore Dew and Paddy's. Yeah, I went straight for the Irish whiskeys, sue me.

Anyway, after my lengthy dabble with the art of drinking myself into a coma every night, waking up for work in the morning, finishing work and continue to drink, I decided that I need to ruin all of the relationships I have built over the years with a combination of heartfelt insults and trying to throw myself into traffic when they are looking. I'm a lovely person, aren't I?

What I decided to do after several attempts on my own life, well two attempts anyway, is to take the fucking hint and realise I'm not supposed to die. Did you know, that therapy is actually effective and gets you to the place where you feel a lot better and not suicidal any more. You see, it's almost as if the doctors who say you are depressed and need therapy are speaking the truth. Who knew? You know what I found doesn't really help. If you decide that you don't need therapy and that finding pictures of celebrities who have decided to end their own lives and post that shit to Facebook, saying that “Even The Happiest People Are Sad”. Its almost like they decide, before they leave the house, that they don't want people on the outside who have cameras and social media accounts to take pictures of them whilst they are having a bad day, and post it all over the fucking place. Fucking hell, I went to therapy for a year before realising that I'm just a massive idiot and if I thought a little bit differently, I could get over all of that nonsense that was going on inside my head. I, now, look at my depression like its one big fucking meme and take the piss out of myself because that's how I can deal with it. I mean, I don't read books and here I am fucking writing one.

The main reason why I look so differently at depression now is because of the millennials who think because something hasn't gone their way, they have to post shit over social media complaining about how hard life is. You haven't even hit 20 yet, you pricks. Wait until you get to 25 or 30 and come to realise “I'm in a dead end job, going nowhere and I have no money”. Oh Jaysus, wait until that comes along. You will think that not getting laid in that shitty club is a holiday.

I mean, there are some great positives to come out of having depression, going to therapy and getting to a point where you are comfortable with living the life you have been given. I, myself have reconnected with people who I thought I had lost, through my incessant need to push them away. I have a better relationship with my parents, now that we have started communicating properly again. I am a lot less selfish, and have developed  a form of empathy I had no idea I had inside. I've even tried to help some people in their times of need, when they were feeling at their worst. I once wrote a letter to someone to try to make them stop going down the same road I went down:

“I have this incessant need to do stupid things to hurt myself

I have broken my hand multiple times to avoid mental harm but have inflicted physical harm on myself

I have destroyed possible relationships in the desire to remain alone, to stop myself inflicting my mental harm upon others

I have kept myself busy in order to stop myself from pursuing a premature non existence”

Told you before that I was a lovely person.

It turns out that maybe, my experiences, aren't as bad as other peoples. It might also turn out that your experiences aren't as bad as mine but I'm not going to presume. Hopefully, you've enjoyed the first chapter, I have no idea what's going to happen in the next few chapters, mainly because I haven't written them yet.

Anxiety

Disclaimer,

I was fucking hammered and heavily depressed writing this chapter and tried to write it completely in the 3rd person. Enjoy.

Have you ever noticed when people get really offended they decide to inhale very dramatically and hold their chest as if they have been hurt so badly that their heart has been hurt? Imagine if those people develop a heart condition. You'll never be able to tell if they eventually do have a heart attack or if you've just told a really funny joke.

Just to reiterate, “this book” is just my thoughts written down whilst I have a couple of drinks and watch Netflix.

Someone once told me that a persons feelings are subject to the person they are. I know people that are massively bitter and their stomachs always hurt. All they do is moan about what other people do or think and then constantly moan that they are ill.

Here Tom, isn't this chapter about anxiety? I'm fucking getting to it. Chill the fuck out.

Getting back to what I was saying before I was rudely interrupted. This person also told me that they get a sore throat every time they want to say something but they force themselves not to. Can you imagine what that's like? To not say what it is you want to say, just to not offend people.

I get super anxious around people who are better than me. I know someone who is literally the most caring person I have ever met. They care more about other people and how they feel than they do about how their life is going. Another thing I get anxious about is when I  think that I've not accomplished what I thought I would have done by this point. I mean, I could claim that I was from a broken home, had to move from my home country to another and had to start my life from square one but I, then, realise that there are so many more people that go through that and I'm not special.

I've just poured another glass of whiskey. Its just about a half a glass. This shit is difficult to write about, can you tell?

If you haven't noticed yet, I like to make stupid jokes just to pass off that I'm OK in the head. “shakes head dramatically”. I put that in because you cant physically see me and I'm shit at drawing my head shaking.

I know a lot of people who smoke an arse tonne of weed just to get over their anxieties. Have you ever smoked weed? That shit is scary. I remember one time, New Year I think, I was working. Showed up at 10am, was supposed to be on until 6pm but it was so quiet that I got sent home after 2 hours. I went to the nearest town and drank like half a bottle of whiskey, well Jack Daniels. Does that count as whiskey? Its basically sugar with some ethanol. Along with several pints of beer and a shit burger from a Wetherspoons. Anyway, after drinking myself into a stupid comatose state where I was still somewhat functioning, myself and one of my friends went back to his house and he broke out the weeds, the green, the marry Joanna. After quite a lot of smoking and a bit more drinking I decided I needed to rest my eyes for a moment, just a single moment. Suddenly, I felt slightly ill in the stomach. I remember saying to him, “If you don't get a bucket, I'll throw up all over your floor”. However the video suggests something different. Yeah, there's a video. It goes something like this: “mmmmmmmmmmm mumuumumumu bucket muumuu floor”. The point is, there was a massive stain on his bedroom carpet for 6 months after. He didn't let it go. At all. The bastard.

That whole story doesn't explain how weed doesn't help my anxiety but I ran out of shit to say and I thought that would break some tension. Hopefully.

I'm currently listening to a song that tells you how to kill yourself. Yeah, this got dark really quick. Although, it has a great message. Don't rely on pop stars to write a song that will resonate with your feelings. Lady Gaga doesn't care if someone found her lyrics about the paparazzi inspirational enough to make them not kill themselves. (There are many pop stars out there who do the same thing, Lady Gaga was just the first person who came to mind). They've made their money, after that they just carry on making new “inspirational songs” and go on a new tour, make more money and the cycle continue. I listen to Twenty One Pilots' album Vessel when I feel really anxious. Seriously, those guys write about what they feel instead of what some songwriter thinks what other people feel.

Hey Tom, how are you going to bring this chapter out of the hole its in? You expect me to be funny and make a point? Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah,Nah....Hey Jude.

I've been at this chapter for too long now. I'm fucking done. Good luck understanding this mess I've just read this back. I mean, seriously, if you've got through this well done.

Television

Ah now for fucks sake. Who's idea was it to put in Television as a chapter? Mine? Nah, doesn't sound right. I'm not that fucked up to put this in here. I mean I'd put in music or video games. I'm more interested in those than I am in TV. Fine, Fucking, Fine. I'll talk about this stupid subject. I mean, fuck me. Dumb ass.

At this current moment in time I am watching the second season of Jack Ryan and I can conclusively say that I am not disappointed. Two episodes in and it has been a massive thrill ride. I mean, to go into Venezuela at the current moment is brave just to film a TV show. They must have spent more money picking the safest place to film there than it cost to pay the actors. I could imagine that John Krasinski isn't that cheap to hire after the first series and after the US Office. Not including his directorial debut in the Quiet Place. Magnificent.

I've also watched the Netflix series Daybreak about a dirty bomb going off in L.A and only people under the age of 18 surviving. Very clever concept for a show, and the fact that they managed to film in parts of L.A is even more impressive for a small time TV show.

3 paragraphs I managed to get through before getting to a point. I decided to throw on the last thing I was watching on Netflix to emphasise said point. Yeah, I'm watching the last series of How I Met Your Mother. DONT START. Seriously, I know. Up until the last 2 episodes it was OK. It was a great story overdone by bad direction.

4 paragraphs, look at me.

OK, by this time, I'm sure you're getting it. TV is a great way to distract yourself from the real world. A great way to distract from your problems in the world. I mean, you've got to find the right show for you but there are so many out there at the moment and so many ways to watch them. There will always be people who say that you shouldn't waste your time sat and watching TV, go do something with yourself. Just imagine what those people do when they get in from their days at work. They come home, sit in an empty chair and look at their walls. I mean, they could be reading a book. Preferably, this one. Or maybe not, but my point is still valid. You could read your books and force your brain to imagine the world that the book is coming to or you could spend the time to celebrate the people that have done that before you and decided to 'Do something with themselves' and make their favourite book into a magnificent visual performance. I mean, at this point, I have switched to the modern Sherlock Holmes series, which as everybody knows is brought to life from the many stories written by Arthur Conan Doyle. This TV show is 90 minutes long per episode and is very entertaining, so you never seem to notice that the time goes by. This means that if you are feeling a certain way at the start of the show, there is a 90 minute period where your feelings could change, your opinion of the world could change.

OK, I have nothing left to rant about here. If I were to speak about another music or video games I would have been here for another 6 pages but I figured your time would be spent better here.

I mean I wrote the names of the chapters before I wrote the actual chapters themselves so you're as stuck as I am with what gets written. I could change this but where's the fun in that.

Good luck reading the next chapter. I promise, I will be completely hammered writing it because I'm going to continue writing after this chapter. I am currently on the verge of tears now so, I guess good luck to me too. Thank you for reading up to this point if you have. I've tried to keep it fun but now I'm into serious mode.

Self Harm

Hey people, lets enter dark mode. I mean every other company on the planet has already done it. I mean, apart from Facebook but those bastards let political propaganda through, so I guess that counts.

I mean, that's the shortest joke I've told so far so, for the people that know me, know that this will be a bastard of a chapter. And also ,for people that know me will also be looking at this chapter going, 'He's not seriously going to talk about this, is he?' Yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

Over the last five years, there have been several moments I am ashamed of. All of which are my own fault. I once launched an egg at someone because the oil that I was supposed to put it in splashed at me.

Did you know that even talking about a certain subject can sometimes bring up feelings you hate? Coming to realise that.

I fell for a woman. Gorgeous, smart, beautiful. We had a lot in common. She was my perfect equal apart from she was caring and humble about it. I'm an arrogant bastard. She was single at the time and I thought I had some form of chance to win her over not knowing everything about her. At this time, I was a very possessive person. I would have done anything to be with her. I let this attribution take control of me at the worst time. I wanted to play the long game, get to know her and eventually ask her out. I went out for drinks with a friend one night. Got absolutely rat arsed. I found out, that night, that she had been asked out by somebody else and she had accepted. I didn't know her very well by this point but because of my possessive compulsion, I took this very personally. It was neither of their fault, just myself.

Some time had passed and I was trying to prove my self worth to this woman. She was still with the same man and I was still jealous. Another night, another time these people were around me, another time that I tried to make it about me.

9 shots of tequila later. 9 exactly. Someone kept count by keeping a tally on my arm. In marker, before you get to excited. I'm not sure of how many other drinks on top but it was 9 tequilas. Anyway, I'd had some minor thoughts in the past of how my life should end but that night my head went into overload. You know, that summer was so bad for me I don't even know if this was the same night. Anyway, after some time and a lot of drinks later, I figured that this was the end of the night for me. Well, end of something for me. I had decided that this was the last straw for my bad luck in this world.

There is a point where half the people I know think a certain habit started but in actual fact this story is where my habit actually began. Everyone has their own stories, where they cut their wrists to fill some form of void, to feel. There are some people who look for it sexually, unfortunately I'm not the lucky. I decided this night out of pure frustration to pull said woman aside, point at a wall and told her that was how I felt when I was around her at that point. I was a brick wall. I wanted noting else at the time to kill that brick wall. So, what I did next is, by far the thing I regret the most. Out of everything I've ever done and believe me, I've done some bad shit. Over and over again, I punched that wall until I could no longer feel my hand and then, I carried on until I broke my hand and then, I carried on until somebody pulled me away from the wall. By this time, I had broken my hand in 2 places, I was bleeding all over the place and I had broken every friendship I had built and every relationship I had hoped to build. I think the most embarrassing thing for me was, the person who bandaged me up was the person who had the balls to ask the woman I had fallen for. Could you imagine? This was the person I had blamed for driving me to the place I was. He helped bandage me up and the woman who I had fallen for was consoling me and trying to help me get through what was in my head. I could not take this. In my head, I would never be able to recover from this. I continued for another 18 months to cut myself, punch walls, headbutt walls, kick and break my hand and other bones in my body. I was always in a mental state where I never thought that I was good enough until I decided that enough was enough.

Surprisingly, when people say that therapy works, they are telling the truth. Big wow. I think its safe to say I am definitely stupid enough to continue writing this nonsense. Well there's a few more chapter so lets see where we end up.

Procrastination

OK so its been a solid 2 months since I wrote the last chapter, which is long enough by anyone's standards, but for me, being the stubborn prick that I am, is no time at all. I mean, I can not do something for an extended period of time. It took me a year to launch a business I could have launched in 6 months only because I changed my mind on whether or not I wanted to start the bastard thing in the first place. It took me spending a grand on my first design to actually say, “Yeah, I'm in too fucking deep here to pull out”.

I've gone through 90% of my life not doing things when they needed to be done in favour of doing them the very last second, mostly because I was scared that they would never work out in the way that I wanted them to and that I would constantly be they failure I feared I always would be. I never believed that anything I was doing was worth the time or effort to do. I decided at the very end of college that I wanted to go to university but by the time I had decided this, it was too late to take seriously and I missed out. I did 3 years in college whilst everybody around me only did 2 because of this. Still, I never went to university so I guess that third year was pointless but the point was that I spent so much time on the internet playing online games instead of revising for exams and concentrating on my coursework.

This got very serious when it got suggested to me that I might need to go to therapy to sort out what was going on inside my head. I kept telling people that I would go eventually because I never though that I was “that” bad but going by what you have read in the previous chapters proves that I made the mistake of putting it off. Big woop. I did go in the end but it took some serious relationship breakdowns, quite a few broken bones and the attraction to my inevitable early grave to accomplish.

I think the message here is to not be afraid of what you thin will fail. Give what you want a try and if it fails, get back up and try it again in a different way. Never give up on something if you really want it to happen and listen to the people who you care about, who also care about you. Especially when they are telling you something is wrong and they are concerned.

One Word Chapter

Vukei

Didn't See That Coming?

Yeah, you probably should have seen that one coming. Its literally called a one word chapter.

It took me two minutes to choose the word. I had an unlimited choice to go with across multiple languages, so me being me went for the most obscure language of Fijian. What does the word mean? Do I look like Google?

There is no moral to this chapter. I just needed to fill in a gap to make this “book” look more full than it actually is. I mean, the moral could be that I've got to a point where I am comfortable enough to actually start doing what I say I am going to and then do it. I still get people telling me to do the most ridiculous things and saying that I will never do them because of the person I used to be. Imagine the look on their faces when I actually come through with the goods. I started a joke with a friend where , when we worked together, we would always listen to Party in the USA by Miley Cyrus whilst we worked and when we stopped working together, whenever the song came, we would SnapChat the other whilst the song was on. We said that this wouldn't last long so I personally made sure that the joke carried on. At the time of this being written we haven't worked together for over a year and the joke is still going.

Swearing

Welcome to this shit storm of a chapter. Do you ever notice that when you hurt yourself in a bad way you cant help but swear. That's because it releases a small amount of dopamine into your brain to help ease the situation you are in and stops some pain in the process. Weird, right? I'm in the strange occupation of chef where I am constantly getting burnt, cut and verbally abused in different languages, so swearing is one of those things that helps with the day to day survival of working in kitchens. I could fall into one of the other 5 habits that a chef develops as a result of the stupid work that we have to do. Those habits being:

Drug Abuse

Alcohol Abuse

Gambling Addiction

Caffeine Addiction

Smoking

I do suffer from 2 of these. Not saying which ones but I do have people around me that think I'm on at least 4 of them so that's nice but in every profession there is the secret, hidden thing that helps them through the day and that's the swearing aspect. I don't think, in the last 3 years, I have gone a day without telling someone that they should fuck themselves or that they are a cunt with them being aware that I am just taking the piss out of them an I don't mean half the shit I say. It just becomes habit to tell people to fuck off or suggest that they shove a large object up their rectums.

I used to knock the shite out of walls to relieve stress but I would always swear like a cunt after I would do it thinking to myself “You are a stupid prick and I hate you”. I would then look at my hand, laugh and say out loud “Ha you are a cunt”. The thought was always I would get over some of the pain if I constantly just swore to myself and carried on as if nothing had happened. Of course, my hand would always hurt for days afterwards and I would be swearing until it healed only to find another wall to knock shite out of and the process would start all over again.

Panic Attacks

A friend once said to me, “Bring A Harmonica Everywhere You Go, So If You Have A Panic Attack You Can At Least Make Some Music”. I never bought the harmonica but it is a very good way to portray what its like to have regular panic attacks. Could you imagine just busking in town, guitar in hand trying to be the next Ed Sheeran and then suddenly, your heart starts to blast out of chest, you feel light headed and you start to hyperventilate. That would be the best time ever to pull out your harmonica. You'll be on the floor with tears rolling down your face but you'll be smashing that cover of You Don't Know How It Feels by Tom Petty.

I starting writing this back when I was having regular panic/anxiety attacks, every 2-3 days in fact, but getting to this point its a bit more every month so, yay progress but I wrote the chapters out months before and I said I would follow through with it so here I am.

Funny story, I once had a panic attack in a nightclub whilst sat on a replica of The Iron Throne from Game of Thrones, whilst my friend was out on the pull. That's the whole story, seriously, but could you imagine having a great time up until the point when you realise you are surrounded by 250+ people you don't know, with a severe case of crowd anxiety and your friend abandons you for the prospect of sex. My head exploded and there was a very attractive looking wall outside that I felt needed a makeover. Never got the makeover, the lucky bastard.

I used to make the biggest mistake for myself whenever I felt anxious, panicky or depressed because when my depression was really bad, my drinking made it so much worse because I lost the control that I had over myself. My mistake in recent times is that, when I started to feel like my old self, I would have a drink to try to combat it. That is the mistake I would make. Try to stay away from my old self by doing what my old self would do.

Its got to a point now where, even where I am reading this back, and nothing in my body reacts. No anxiety, no panic and no depression. Well, saying that, I still have those feelings but they are not nearly as hurt filled as they were in the past. My secret, apart from therapy, on how I deal with life and why I am the way I am now is.

The End?

I mean, is there really an end to a story, an idea? I do have secrets, everyone does. My biggest is that I made a character in myself to try to avoid loving myself and anyone else. I acted as if I didn't care about other people to make it easier on myself if it came to a point where they let me down or, in the more realistic circumstance, where I let them down. I always tell people that I'm not a nice person to put them off this fact so that they see me as the character I made up. I make certain jokes to people to put them off and I say things to them to give them the idea that they need to avoid any form of relationship with me so that they don't get hurt in the crossfire of what I am.

In the 2 years since I have made this character, only 3 people have seen through it and seen me underneath, no matter how much I have tried to put them off. One of which is my mother, another being the woman mentioned in the Self Harm chapter and one more person who I fell for but not in the way I have before. Only because I am afraid of what would happen to me if I had made the same mistakes from before. Its really irritating trying to get people to keep the secret that I am a horrible bastard so I can stay in my own little bubble.

At the time in which I am typing this, I have not been to therapy for 2 months. In this time, I have learnt that:

Not everyone is out to get me

Not every decision I make will fail

I have the self control to not hurt myself physically or mentally

My emotions are not here to hurt me

I am capable of loving myself along with someone else

I am a nice person and I don't need to hide behind my old self

Swearing actually does help, I don't have any regrets there

Bring a harmonica to a panic attack if I want to be the next Tom Petty

Don't throw away the opportunity to love if given it. It will bite you in the arse if you do

Safe to say, even though I have my bad days, I have, recently, barely gone a day without having a smile on my face. For those who know me will know that this is a rare occurrence.

I don't think there will be a day where I don't think about the person I used to be. I'm sure I will use this as a defence mechanism in the future but I know that I will eventually get over it. If you ever see me later, if I ever just clench my fist. Just know that I am trying to counter act my old self. Not very helpful but still.

I want to thank every person who has helped me become who I am now because who I was previous was, to put it lightly, a total cunt. I have become a functioning person, with some glitches, only a couple though. I decided to thank everyone who helped me in person months ago but it needs to be said again to solidify my authenticity.

If you have read it to this far, you are one of the people who have helped me, inadvertently, but still thank you.

Tom

[irrational-dreamer]

Let's try to reflect on the decade

The negative:

- 3... 4 years without a job? I think it's 3, but my resume says it's 4 and I just can't believe I lost 4 years of my life sitting on a bed doing nothing.

- my work for Japan and the harassment who completely destroyed my self confidence and the life I created in Japan, life I still miss deeply to this day.

- I lost my grandfather, and I was on the other side of the world for the funeral.

- crappy jobs to try and save money

- I lost dear friends for stupid reasons. Also discovered some people I considered friends were definitely not.

- I didn't get to see my friends as much as I wanted.

- Family issues.

- I came back to France to struggle for almost a year without a job despite thinking I was worth something (there goes my self esteem again)

- I got hired for one of the worst job I ever had to do, and I'm stuck in it for at least another year if I want to move on with my life.

- I feel trapped, all the time. Like I'm suffocating. Ever since I came back, a year ago. I can't fucking breath, my brain is spiralling.

The positive, because it's important to end on a positive note and burry the negative:

- I got my master degree (ten years ago already wow!!)

- I was part of a pretty cool Harry Potter website and had a blast going to cons and writing article. I even got to interview Daniel Radcliff and play quidditch!

- I finally went on my dream trip, and stayed abroad 4 years instead of 8 months. I got to live in Japan, New Zealand, Thailand, Vietnam.... I travelled alone most of the time. With my backpack. It was hard, but amazing.

- I got published! 13 times! (I think, I kind of lost count omg) Short stories for the moment, but still! Books! With my name on it!! It's been my dream since I know how to write!

- I met so many people from so many countries and cultures, learnt a lot.

- I started a YT channel! It's not uploaded often, but I like making videos when I can.

- I got better at photography

- I started painting. Kind of.

- I wrote a whole novel in English. How crazy is that? And I'm almost done with one of my French novels.

- I jumped out of a plane! On purpose!!!! It was one of the best experience of my life, if not the best.

What I want for the next decade:

- publish a novel. Ideally, the steampunk one, by Bragelonne (one can dream)

- visit South America. More trips, all the trips!

- control my anxiety to feel free and happy again

- find a job I love, or just quit everything and go back. Somewhere. Anywhere.

- Figure out what I want more: financial stability and being geographically close to my friends, or fly somewhere and be free, but without any money. Oh well. I just have to become a famous writer and sign movie deals!

[nekoabi]

On the Verge of a Heartbreak - Chapter 30

Now I’m really not sorry.

AU: School, Human Pairings: Moxiety, OC/OC Words: 3231 Warnings: Swearing, shouting. Anything else, please let me know!

Summary: The group is told about Virgil’s situation and agree to the couple’s plan. They put in the extra effort to make it memorable. Well, it will certainly be a day they’ll never forget...

Patton knew that Virgil had a free period before lunch the next day and so made an effort to be the first out of his class in order to meet up with his boyfriend. He almost ran through the halls in order to grab his stuff before heading to their little hiding spot for lunch. When he rounded the corner, Patton immediately sat down in order to catch his breath. He went to smile at his boyfriend and catch his eyes but found that he was met with the side of Virgil’s face as he was curled up into himself.

With a soft smile, Patton lightly wrapped his arms around Virgil, causing the other boy to lean into his body, “It’ll be okay. We’ll be okay. I promise.” Patton whispered soothingly, rocking back and forth gently in order to comfort his anxious boyfriend.

Their friends slowly piled into the small space as the lunch period really began. They all did their best not to ask about what the couple wanted to talk with them about until all of them were gathered. All bets were off when Thomas finally appeared and took his seat.

“So, what the hell do you guys want? I was having a heart attack last night, worried fucking sick about you guys!” Ana said dramatically, throwing their hands all over the place.

Em grabbed their hands and held them in her lap, trying to stop her partner from causing any damage to anyone, “They really were. I don’t think we’ve fallen asleep while being on the phone since we first started dating until last night, we just wanted to make sure you two were okay. The message sounded really urgent…”

Patton could feel Virgil tensing in his arms. This was possibly his worst nightmare, knowing he influenced and panicked his close friends so much that they did something that was out of the ordinary. Before Patton could even attempt to say anything, Em started giggling and leaned against Ana.

“It was really nice though, so I think we should thank you guys.”

Virgil immediately flicked his head up to look between Em and Ana and Patton, as if he couldn’t quite believe what he was hearing. Patton smiled wide and pressed a kiss to Virgil’s forehead when he next looked to him, causing the emo to blush and duck his head.

Patton asked them all to wait just a couple minutes longer because he didn’t want to have to talk about it twice with people. Just as everyone was begrudgingly agreeing, his phone began buzzing away in his pocket. He managed to wriggle it out and picked up the call as soon as he could.

“HI!” came Abigal’s loud voice ringing through the small speaker. Patton and Virgil both flinched as they were the ones closest to the sound, their ears beginning to ring a little. “Oh, oops, sorry…” The laughter of the other two that were present on the other end told Patton that everyone was finally able to hear him and so he launched into the explanation.

He talked about what Virgil’s parents had said about Logan and Roman’s university experiences, how that was negatively affecting everyone, how Virgil’s parents had decided the best thing was for them to move. Patton found that he had to pause his rambles as everyone had extreme reactions and opinions to the news, all of them clearly being upset that one of their friends was going to be taken far away from them.

With a little help from Em who was sat across from them and Asher on the other end of the phone, Patton was able to calm everyone down enough that he could begin to explain the idea that he and Virgil had brainstormed the night before. He told them the date that Virgil was leaving and that they wanted this to involve as many of them as possible.

On the other end of the phone, Asher mentioned how they would be back in town next week, while Abigal and Reggie realised they were only coming back a couple of days before Virgil was leaving. That narrowed down the timeframe they had significantly. Thankfully, everyone else was available the day before Virgil’s move, which was also perfect as it could be their send off at the same time.

“So, we’re going to be having it happen in this little park near our houses. It’s really nice and it’s away from everyone else, it’s almost always empty.” Patton mentioned.

There was a soft squeal from the phone in his hand, “Oh my gosh! This sounds like a cute little promise wedding! We should totally make it like a wedding ceremony!” Abigal gushed.

Everyone, especially Sophia and Em, were on board with this idea. They all began to throw out their ideas for how they could make it extra special and wedding-like. As they spoke, Virgil hid his face further and further into his boyfriend’s side, almost looking like he was trying to coax Patton’s body into absorbing him, so he could get out of there. Patton giggled and squeezed him tight for a second, causing Virgil to look up at him.

“It’ll be okay. It’s just us. The most important thing is that we’re doing this for us.” Patton reached down and slipped his fingers between Virgil’s in order to hold his hand comfortingly.

Virgil smiled softly, “I hate that you’re right with your sappy crap.”

“I didn’t hear that!” Patton threw his head to the side and comically pretended to not hear anything that Virgil said for the few seconds that followed, when the emo tried and failed to get Patton’s gaze to fall back onto himself. It only ended when Virgil moved out of Patton’s hold, grabbed his boyfriend’s face between his hands and turned it physically back to him.

“So rude.” Virgil said with a grin, his gaze exceedingly fond as he looked directly into Patton’s. The two shared a brief kiss that only broke because they suddenly heard a soft squeaky squeal.

All their friends were absolutely silent, each dealing with the incredibly adorable scene in their own ways. On the other end of the phone, however, none of their older friends were able to see what was going on and so Abigal felt she had every right to interrupt and ask what the heck was happening. It was explained to them all and she responded with a puking sound that was quietened almost immediately by Reggie’s comment of him ‘never having heard any complaints before’.

The rest of lunch continued with their friends on the phone and it was so wonderful for Patton. He felt like he could almost ignore the fact that he was going to lose his proximity to his boyfriend at home and could instead focus on how lucky he was to have had this wonderful experience with his close friends.

For two weeks in between that planning phase and the actual date of their ceremony, all of their group tried to hang out as much as humanly possible. Exams and last-minute revision got in the way for the first week, but eventually all the testing was over, and they had all the free time in the world to hang out. Each day, they crowded in someone’s home or nearby and just hung out, enjoying not only their last days together before Virgil moved away but also their last time of freedom as college and real adult life was creeping up on them fairly fast.

It only really became real on the day of their ceremony. They split into their initial friend groups and spent the whole day ‘getting them ready’. Abigal and Sophia were playing at being fully trainer hairdressers and makeup artists as they pretended to do Patton up for the ceremony, while Asher and Daniel were sat with Thomas, who’d been appointed to lead the whole thing. They were helping him memorise the script that a couple of the others had written for him to follow.

Across the street, Em was the one sorting Virgil’s make up while Reggie messed with his hair. Ana and Ayana were more than happy to just sit on his bed in the almost empty room, watching all of it happen from a distance.

“So, where’s this park you guys were talking about?” Ana asked, clearly bored.

“It’s at the end of the street. You probably passed it on your way here. It’s mostly covered by trees, so you wouldn’t know it’s there unless you’ve been there before.” Virgil explained. His nerves were rising as the afternoon rolled on. They were going to meet around 3pm at the park and he’d been specifically told to be there just before 3.

“It’ll be fine, Virgil. Just relax.” Em tried to sooth the anxious boy, checking his face one last time before putting away his makeup, “This is all for you and Patton. Just enjoy it.” There were noises of agreement from the rest of his attending friends. Virgil was going to try his best to not be nervous about it.

As they packed up and headed out of the house, Virgil told his friends to wait outside for him as he had to just let his parents know where he was going. He wandered through the empty home and into the kitchen, where his immediate family was still packing.

“Um, so… I’m going outside with some friends, I’ll be back soon. Is that okay?” Virgil shuffled, feeling a little bad at leaving his family right now.

His mom looked at him with a sad smile, “Of course, honey. Just be back before it gets too late.”

“Thanks, I will. We’re just going down to the park, so not too far.” Virgil said as he turned and headed to the front door. He was trying to remind himself to breathe slowly as they approached the end of the road and Virgil led the way into the small, enclosed park space. He stopped dead as soon as he got one foot past the iron gates.

Standing off to the side next to the trees was an archway that he’d never seen before. It was clearly made in a hurry as some of the original wood was showing through the white paint, but it still gave off the wedding vibe. The flower chains that were weaving through it and into the branches of the nearby trees only added to the aesthetic. Virgil almost couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He wanted to know who had done this but, before he could open his mouth to ask the question, he got his answer.

“Well, I guess she found the flowers then.” Reggie chuckled from his side. Reggie looked sideways at Virgil, directly addressing him, “Abigal wanted to make this special and ‘look good for the pictures’ so she and Ana made this last night. She lost the flowers this morning, but clearly, she found them.” Ana clicked their tongue and finger gunned when Virgil turned to look at them.

The stunned emo was almost dragged over to the arch and placed just in front of it, almost as if he was the groom at a wedding who was waiting for his partner to arrive. It was then that everything really clicked, and Virgil’s face turned bright red. He hadn’t expected them to go this hard.

Ayana stood at the end with a small basket in her hand and Virgil couldn’t help but notice her nervous energy. She was looking towards the gate as if she was looking for some kind of signal, but Virgil was still trying to let his brain catch up with him and so couldn’t quite think of what she might be trying to look for. Sure, they were waiting on Patton and the other half of their group, but that shouldn’t be something Ayana was specifically searching for. He found out her reasoning once the rest of their friends stepped into the park.

The youngest of them all walked over to the oncoming group of people and seemed to ask them something before she was put into the lead position. Despite the reservation and nerves that were showing clearly on her face, she began to sprinkle the ground with flower petals. This was yet another part of this that was clearly inspired by a wedding and Virgil was mortified, his face somehow turning an even brighter shade of red. He turned his gaze away, preferring to watch the branches of the trees sway in the breeze than what was clearly meant to be a wedding procession. It was only when his view was blocked by Thomas’ body walking past him and then Patton standing opposite that he finally stopped watching the surround nature.

Thomas perfectly fell into the role of minister, presiding over the ceremony as if he’d been doing these all of his life. He addressed everyone and followed the script perfectly.

Patton was clearly enjoying himself, if the wide, toothy grin he was constantly wearing was any indication. Virgil, meanwhile, was still trying to get over the embarrassment he felt over this whole thing being treated as a full-on wedding ceremony.

It got to the part where Virgil and Patton were to swap their promise gifts. They’d thought about it for a while and they decided to make bracelets for each other. Earlier in the week, they’d gone to a nearby craft store and picked out bead colours they wanted. Virgil went for his usual black and two shades of purple, while Patton naturally gravitated to the pastel blue, pink and yellow.

“Wait!” Patton had stopped Virgil as they were leaving the shop. He dragged the emo over to a nearby bench and dug around in his bag, opening the packets of beads. After a couple minutes of rummaging and more than a few beads running away from him, Patton held out one of each of the colours that Virgil had picked out, “We should swap some! So the bracelets have some of all the beads, a forever reminder in a forever promise!”

Virgil hadn’t admitted it out loud then, but it was a positively adorable idea and he just loved it. The idea that he and Patton would always hold something that was representative of their respective partner filled him with warmth and made him feel so utterly loved. He took the beads from Patton’s hand and then went about getting one of each of the colours he had in his own bag. Patton was cutely swinging his legs back and forth as he waited, the adorable action distracting Virgil just a little. Eventually, he held his three out for Patton to take.

In their hands at the ceremony were the finished bracelets. Patton was to go first. He grabbed a hold of Virgil’s left hand and started to slide the bracelet around his wrist, when a voice called out.

“Virgil? Are you still here?”

The boy in question sighed, the soft moment between them broken as Logan rounded the corner and entered the park. He caught sight of what was going on and seemed to have a moment of disbelief as he paused suddenly. After taking a second to catch himself, Logan headed over to them.

“What is going on here?” The firstborn Mortenson son was taking in everything he could see.

“It’s a Promise Ceremony!” Sophia responded, her hands on her hips as if it was the most obvious thing in the whole world.

Logan looked down at her with a slightly alarmed expression, “A what?” He shook his head before he got an answer, “Doesn’t matter. Virgil, mom and dad need you back at the house as soon as possible. It looks like it’s going to rain. Finish up as soon as you can.” All of them turned their attention to the sky and could see the dark clouds rolling in fast above them. Patton pouted and was clearly a little upset at the change in weather. Logan then turned to head off back home but was stopped by Virgil calling his name.

“Logan, why don’t you stay here? It won’t be much longer…” Virgil asked. He wasn’t sure why he asked for his brother to stay. Normally, he’d love to have the space, but something was telling him to keep his brother close by.

Logan glanced around at all of his brother’s friends, slowly being persuaded by their hopeful faces. He sighed and went to stand next to Ayana at the end, “Fine.”

The ceremony continued. Virgil pulled the bracelet he made for Patton out and grabbed a hold of his hand, staring into his boyfriend’s eyes. He slid the beads over Patton’s wrist and squeezed the hand tight before letting them both fall between them, their fingers still gently interlaced and the beads around their wrists touching.

Thomas finished up the last of the script he’d been given before looking between the clearly love-struck couple in front of him. A spark of inspiration must have come to him as, out of the corner of Virgil’s eye, he perked up and addressed them both, “Now, you may kiss!”

Virgil’s head almost cracked as he turned his head sharply to look at Thomas with a concerned and embarrassed glare. He went to ask what the fuck Thomas thought he was doing but Patton’s gentle giggles and soft hands turning his head stopped him. It was only a brief moment that Virgil had to see Patton’s loving gaze and smile before his lips were pressed so lightly against his own. He practically melted against the other boy, kissing back as the world around him drained away, leaving them alone.

Off to the side, Abigal was watching the boys have their utterly precious moment. She had her arms wrapped around her own boyfriend’s, her fingers locked between his, which meant she was able to feel when he tensed up and hear when Reggie muttered something along the lines of “Oh shit…” in a tone that was really unfitting for the situation.

“Hey, what was that for!?” Abigal looked up, ready to berate him, but she stopped when she saw the fear in his eyes. “Babe, what’s wro…” She trailed off as she followed his gaze. Her heart stopped when she locked eyes with the ones across the small park, her panic rising to levels she hadn’t felt in years. Immediately, she darted forwards to try and warn the others, but a loud metallic crash had everyone’s attention before Abigal even had a chance.

Everyone’s eyes turned to see what had caused the sound, a shout also coming from the same place. “What the FUCK is THIS?!”

Ayana immediately ducked behind Em, who wrapped the young girl in her arms. Daniel looked about ready to bolt in the opposite direction, while Sophia and Ana both seemed to ready themselves for a fight. Asher straightened his back and grabbed a hold of Abigal’s free hand, providing her comfort while she shook. Reggie was a complete statue, unmoving as Logan walked past him to stand fully between the group and the oncoming figure. Virgil and Patton both stood frozen, their hands now tightly clasped. Patton was shaking, tears were rolling down his cheeks as he stared at the approaching face of his older brother that was contorted into an expression of pure rage.

Last Chapter —– Next Chapter

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[tracies-tales]

Letter by Letter

Dear Arin...

Dan’s pen paused. He pinched the tip and wiggled it as he surveyed his work. He’d written plenty of love songs in his day, comedy variety though they were. Writing out an actual love letter was basically second nature. Although, it wasn’t helping him get his feelings out and onto a tangible page as he’d hoped it would. He’d heard that pouring one’s soul out in words was a way that helped some people manage their emotions.

Looking at the letter again, Dan was pretty positive this had only deepened his infatuation.

It reminded him of everything he loved about Arin. It was filled end to end with the feelings that he tried to convey to Arin every day. Once he’d begun spilling the things he desperately wished he could find the courage to say out loud, he’d found it difficult to stop.

Because this letter also contained his terror.

As much as his heart was laid out in ink, so too was the underlying fear that this letter could mean the end of their friendship. He didn’t truly believe Arin would shun him if he knew how Dan felt, but he knew things would never be the same. Not really. You can’t just confess your undying love for a person and not experience a change one way or another. 

A sigh parted Dan’s lips as he folded the paper and laid it on his chest beneath his hand. Somewhere, deep down, a piece of him yearned to give Arin the letter. The worst that would probably happen was Arin would apologize and say he didn’t feel the same way. Then they would go back to their lives, recording Game Grumps sessions, laughing at dick jokes, doing his best to hide the pain behind a smile.

He shifted to lay down on the Grump couch, utilizing the space while everyone else was absorbed in their own projects. He rubbed his hands over his face and groaned into his palms. He tried to get himself to accept the fact that Arin’s gay jokes were just that--jokes. But he said them too often, the inflection of his tone always just lilted enough to make Dan’s heart flutter and his thoughts turn to static. The way Arin’s hand would always linger on Dan’s arm or shoulder, or ass, on special occasions, made Dan unable to help but wonder. 

“Whatcha got there?” Arin asked.

Dan jumped and snatched the letter off his chest, crumpling it into his fist. “What’s what?” he asked, far too quickly to be convincing. He hadn’t even heard the door to the studio open.

Arin’s eyebrows shot skyward. “Ooohhh, secrety secrets?” he prompted as he shut the door behind him.

Dan snorted, unable to help but chuckle at his tone. He figured he might as well play along. “Yes, the tippitiest toppest of secrets.”

“My favorite kind!” Arin walked over. Dan didn’t miss the way his eyes glanced to Dan’s hands as he sat up.

Dan shook a finger at him, “No siree, they’re secrets for a reason, Ar.”

A pout immediately overtook his features. They almost made Dan feel guilty enough to show him right then. “Dannyyy,” Arin whined, sitting next to him and leaning heavily into his shoulder. “Come on, at least give me a hint.”

Dan hated when he called him Danny--it was so damn cute. “Dude, cut it out,” he smiled, ruffling Arin’s hair with his free hand. 

“Not until you tell me,” Arin looked up at him.

Dan pursed his lips. He was distracted just long enough by Arin’s puppy eyes for the letter to be snatched from his grip. “Hey!” Dan yelped, leaning to try to grab it back.

Arin stretched his arm to its maximum limit and leaned away from him, holding the paper out of reach. “Dan, come on, how bad can it be?”

“It’s just stupid song lyrics!” Dan blurted, immediately cursing himself for such a blatant lie.

“You’re never ashamed to show me your ideas for new lyrics,” Arin retorted. However, he relented and shifted back up, holding the letter out. Dan grabbed it, but it felt like some otherworldly force was stopping his hand from yanking it away.

Dan frowned down at it, refusing to meet Arin’s eyes. “I know,” he said, feeling his cheeks warm up with a tingling blush. 

“So...what is it?” Arin asked, his tone much less jovial than it was a minute ago.

Dan bit his lip. He shut his eyes and said, “It’s...a letter. To you.”

That made Arin’s brows knit in confusion. “To me?” 

“To you.”

“So why the hell were you so adamantly against showing it to me?”

“Because, I-” Dan’s voice got caught in his throat. “I wasn’t...sure if I was ready for you to know,” he replied, letting the paper go.

Arin glanced to his hand and back up to him. Waiting for approval. Dan grinned in spite of himself, through all the roiling fear tearing his guts apart; he was touched that Arin was actually double checking to make sure he had permission. Dan nodded, but he couldn’t meet Arin’s eyes. He tucked his knees up to hug them as he heard the crinkle of the paper being unfolded and straightened out. Then Arin began to read aloud, which only made Dan’s grip on his legs tighten.

“Dear Arin, 

Where do I begin? I guess all letters have to start somewhere. So here it is, greatest intro to a letter there ever was. Smooth, Avidaniel

How was I supposed to know? I need to stop starting lines with questions How could I have known how big of a part you were going to play in my life? 

Maybe it was your charming smile. Maybe it was your musical resounding laugh. Maybe it was the way you wanted me, a 38 year old nobody, to be your Game Grumps partner in crime. I don’t fucking know, but somehow you took a hold of me and never let me go.

No amount of words in pen, text, audio recording, or verbal assault will ever be able to quantify what it means to me. What you mean to me. Because, fuck dude, you mean the world. 

You deserve everything you have. I mean it. The internet popularity, the lovelies, the job, you’ve worked your ass off for this. Everyone is so proud of what you’ve accomplished, and I couldn’t be happier or luckier to get to see you shine so brightly. I don’t care that the spotlight isn’t on me--you’re more of a star than I’ll ever be.

Shit, I’m running out of paper already. Curse my own large-print hubris! 

I suppose there is one way I could have summed this up rather than write a whole ass essay about the subject.

What I’ve been struggling to write this whole time, because once I’ve written it I’ll know for sure it’s true:

I love you, Arin. 

Nothing’s ever going to change that, whether or not you do, too. 

You can count on it, Big Cat.”

The silence in the room that followed gnawed at Dan’s stomach like acid. Maybe giving him the letter wasn’t the best idea after all. Was he mad? No, he was probably thinking of the gentlest way to turn him down. The waiting was agonizing, driving Dan insane.

The horrendous ache was quelled by Arin’s arms wrapping around him. They encompassed Dan entirely, legs and all, into a snug embrace. Dan was shocked enough that he forgot to adjust to help as Arin hauled him into his lap. The paper had left Arin’s hand and fluttered to the floor.

A sniffle made Dan turn his head. “Arin? Are...are you crying?” he asked.

“Fuck you, what do you mean am I crying?” Arin laughed, the sound broken up with gentle sobs. “How the fuck am I s’posed to read shit like that and not get emotional?”

“I’m...fuck man, I’m sorry, I didn’t even mean to give it to you, I...”

“So you were just gonna bottle it up like some kind of dumbass?”

Dan blinked, “What?”

“Like I haven’t been hinting this at you for years,” he scoffed. “Years, Daniel! I spent this entire damn time thinking the same shit, more or less.”

Dan was dumbfounded. He felt tears start to well up in his eyes, as well, “Really?”

“Of c--of course really! What the hell do you think I was implying? I was hitting on you but really what I wanted was to bang Ross?”

The curse of the static-brain returned. “Hitting on me?”

“Holy fuck, you really were clueless,” Arin laughed, snuggling his face into Dan’s shoulder. He sniffled again and said, “This is only about a couple years too late, but I love you too, Dan.”

Warmth blossomed in Dan’s chest, and his heart raced with no indication of slowing any time soon. He had succumbed to tears as well, beaming at Arin before he shifted his torso and threw his arms around his neck. When Arin lifted his head in curiosity at the adjusted posture, Dan pulled him into a kiss. 

When they parted, Dan noticed Arin now shared his blush. “I’m glad,” Dan said, unsure that he could manage to say anything else.

They both turned their heads when they heard the door opening to Ross, who said, “Woah, sorry, didn’t mean to interrupt.” His gaze drifted to the floor as he noticed the letter. “What’s that?”

“Nothing,” Dan and Arin said.

cliche? maybe a little

regrets? none

this was inspired by the book “to all the boys i’ve loved before" :) ps i know dan’s 39 i just picked 38 bc idk

edit: this additional little note is to let y’all know i really am taking writing suggestions almost always so if you have ideas or a prompt from somewhere else you want me to tackle, pitch it to me! the worst i can do is say no (and I probably won’t, unless it’s too terribly nsfw) :D